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naoa-ao3 · 7 months

Text

Just a Man

Rogue was on a mission. That was why she was in New Orleans. She didn't like it though. Not that she had anything against the city it was just that on every corner she stopped she could feel Remy. He was there in the crowd, up on a balcony, sitting in a restaurant. He was everywhere. Everywhere in a city that had been so much a part of him. Of course she had no real idea if he was there. He could be half way around the world for all she knew.

She remembered all of the times the X-Men had visited New Orleans. So many times they had gotten caught up in his guild business. And there it was. The reason they weren't together. His life was one one problem after another and so many of them he brought on himself. She sat down at a cafe to eat. It was hot and all of the indoor tables were taken. She had to eat on the street. She stirred her drink slowly, feeling the weight of so many memories and so much love. There where ghosts all around and then one materialized in front of her. A blond woman, beautiful and tall. She emerged from the crowed and came and took a seat across from Rogue.

Belladonna Bourdreaux.

"It's been a long time." She said. She had the same accent as Remy. She came from the same world. Rogue had once felt threatened by this woman. Now they were on equal ground.

"You here to fight?" Rogue asked coolly.

Belladonna shook her head. She looked a little older than the last time they had seen each other. Maybe life had caught up to her. "What do we have to fight about?" She asked. "Neither of us have him and you ain't here to mess with de Guilds." She ordered lunch.

"What're you here for then?"

Belladonna shrugged. "I heard you and Remy broke up a while back. Never did know why."

Rogue felt a little offended. "And what makes you think you got any right to know?"

Belladonna gave her a coldly sympathetic look. A look that said: Because I've been there already. "He flirt too much or did he kill your brother too? Leave you when you needed him?"

Rogue frowned. "I left him. He didn't do much of anything." This wasn't entirely true but it wasn't why she'd left him. Going back to Sinister. . . the deal with Apocalypse. She hadn't ended it because of that although they hadn't won him any favors.

Belladonna looked surprised. "I loved him for a real long time." She said. "But he ain't good. Not for himself or anyone else." Rogue was quiet. "He doesn't mean to be. I know he doesn't. He's not a bad person. . . he's just careless and he makes bad choices. One after another and he thinks they're his alone to make but they effect other people and then when someone gets hurt he sits there wondering how the hell it happened."

Rogue was quiet. It was true. Remy always made decisions with the best of intentions. Sinister, Apocalypse, Sinister again but they always ended badly and she was right even more because people did get hurt. Innocent people. The morlocks, Belladonna, Rogue herself. People fell in love with him and that never ended well. She had even heard that Wolverine had kicked him out of the X-Men.

She was sure Remy deserved it. She had heard he had tried to rob Tony Stark. He knew mutant human relations were constantly at risk and he knew that he was a high profile mutant. He never cared about that. She thought he had always been uncaring about how mutants were perceived. Maybe that was unfair. Maybe he did care but he sure never acted like it.

Belladonna watched her face. "You ain't happy knowin' I'm right." She said.

Rogue looked down at her plate. "You come here so we could shit talk him?"

She shrugged. "I just was wonderin' why you two split. I thought maybe he'd found something better with you." She looked at Rogue seriously. "I hated you. You know that? I hated you from the bottom of my heart. Even while I was hating him."

"I know you did."

There was a bitter laugh. "We had a time though, didn't we? You X-Men. . . my Assassins. I'm sorry you got dragged into it."

Rogue was surprised. "You don' hate me any more?"

"Part of me always will. Just like part of me will always love him. You think you'll ever fall in love again?"

Rogue was thrown by the question. She thought maybe Belladonna had been searching for someone to talk to. "I don't know."

"I gave up love. I'm the leader of the Assassins Guild. That is my marriage." She laughed a short dark laugh. "My second love." She looked down for a moment. "But loving him was something, wasn't it?" Her voice turned sentimental.

Rogue thought about all of the times she had known in her heart that she loved Remy and she understood. "Yeah." It hurt to think about.

"You still love him, don't you?"

She didn't respond. She didn't have to and she knew it.

Belladonna smiled. "Lovin' him was like having the whole world in your heart. Like every day was golden and perfect and even if it wasn't. . . he was. And the sex. . . ain't nothin like it in the world." A shiver went down Rogue's back at the mention just as her heart hurt at the mention of love. "Gettin a man who's good at sex. . . well a man you don't have to teach to be good at it. . . that doesn't happen too often." She paused. "My God, he almost seems perfect. Doesn't he? Just until you been around him for long enough. Then you start to see that it's not all sunshine and charm. Start to see he's just a man. Not the worst. . . they never are but him. . . he makes you think he's more and then you find out he isn't. You find out he's just a man and it breaks your heart and it's almost more than you can take. He didn't have to fight my brother. . . that was two boys butting heads and it ended the way it ended. My brother was a fool and Remy was a fool for fighting him. For fighting him and expecting a different ending. Then he left me and after that it seemed like he just kept on leavin' me. My heart broke every time 'cause that sweet kid I loved so much was just a man after all. Same faults as any of the others."

"He's done a lot of bad things. I know he didn't mean to do most of them. . ." Rogue said, speaking at last.

"But he did them just the same, didn't he?"

"Yeah and then he goes and tried to find a short cut to redemption and blows it all to hell all over again."

Belladonna nodded. "He's just a boy. You know they always are. Men. They're always boys underneath. They grow up but just the same part of 'em is still the kid they were. Remy had to grow up fast he and I both did. Maybe you did too, I don't know. I reckon so. I reckon we all got short childhoods and none of them were exactly what they should have been. But it doesn't excuse anything."

Rogue nodded again. "I go to sleep and I still love him. Does that make me weak?"

"No child. I don't think so. It makes you human. There are nights I still love him. Nights my heart breaks cause he's not there in bed next to me. Cause he's not touching me. Nights I imagine I can feel his hand on my arm. On my cheek. I think there always will be. I think when you love someone like him you love them so totally that it can't ever leave you."

Rogue felt her heart break some more because she knew just what Belladonna as talking about. Hell, she could touch people now and all she wanted some nights was to touch him.

"Maybe it's selfish of me but I hope some day you two work through your bull shit because I think you two were born to be together. I think you two love each other the way I once thought he and I loved each other."

"After everything you've said?"

"Oh shoot, it's like I said: he's not a bad man. He's just trying to be good and he's not good at it. He needs someone to show him how. It's petulant and pathetic but it's what he needs. He always gets himself into trouble. Sleeps with the wrong woman. . . makes the wrong guy mad. . . trusts the wrong person. He brings it on himself and he deserves it half the time but you never feel like he does. I never do. I tried but I couldn't."

"I don't know if I want to love him again."

Belladonna smiled. "Shoot girl, you gotta quite before you can do it again. And he's not the kind of man you can ever quite. Something about him you just fall in love with and hell, he'll fall in love right back."

Rogue nodded. "Guess so."

"Well. . . I'm not telling you what you gotta do. Just what I hope you'll do. Slap the crap outa him if you have to just love him in the end." She broke into a grin. "You ever heard the song Stand by Your Man? One of the worst country songs ever written but it makes me think of him sometimes. There's one line. . . cause after all, he's just a man. Don't excuse anything but it's true."

Rogue laughed. "I know the song."

They laughed for a moment and it dawned on Rogue that she never in all her dreams thought she'd be sitting at a table laughing with Belladonna Bourdreaux. Least of all that the woman would be telling her to love Remy.

"I was jealous of you." He admitted.

Belladonna looked at her, the laughter dying from her eyes. "And I was of you. I think part of me this minute is glad you were jealous. Glad you felt threatened. But I don't think I mean you any malicious will. We've both loved the same man and we've both lost him. That brings women together. Doesn't make 'em friends. . . don't even make 'em like each other but it brings 'em together. Gives 'em common ground. Hell, it's probably what makes up hate each other."

"You miss him and I miss him and we both still love him. I don't think he has a right makin' us feel like this." Rogue smiled a little at her own words. "He's a bastard."

"He is indeed. Boy can't keep it in his pants and he doesn't know when to stop talking but he's just a man and he's no better or worse than anyone else. Well. . . maybe a little more worse. But it's like we said: he doesn't mean to be and deep down he's not. You see him again, you help him do good. You hear me? Cause he needs to do good he just don't know how."

Rogue nodded. "I won't ask you to do the same but I'll say thanks. Maybe some day Remy and I will work it out. I don't know if I want to but I'll keep an open mind."

The two women looked at each other and felt the closest thing to liking each other they had ever felt. Then Belladonna turned away and was gone and Rogue paied the check, head filled with thoughts about Remy and all of his faults and all of his virtues and everything that made him just a man and everything that made him seem like so much more and she knew. . . just a small part of her knew that she would never stop loving him.

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