#because i found one on twitter and the lack of interactions made me so sad

[murderofravens]

need more art of toji sugu and kento with a woc.. i am starved

#whenever i see good suguru x reader art i get so excited but then she's just pale white #and i get pissed off oopsie... #and i know there's a lot of art of him with woc i know my girls arent disappointing me! #it just gets buried under hashtags or smth i guess.. #because i found one on twitter and the lack of interactions made me so sad #if i found them i would reblog tf out of them! #toji fushiguro x reader #suguru geto x reader #nanami kento x reader

[feretra]

Please read all of this and don't just ignore what I write. And understand this comes from a place of concern for you AND Gig.

I understand that Gig did things that made you uncomfortable and forgot to tag certain kinks and I'm also sorry that you're sick to this extent and I hope you get better. I do feel as though you threw some exaggerated accusations out because you were hurt. Which, being hurt is valid and that's fine, but to try and completely ruin someone over your triggers is a little hurtful and makes me frightened to interact with you.

Then after you stopped being friends with Gig you accused them of sending themself anons (ones I sent them) and then you further claimed that they stalked you when YOU sought out THEIR private blogs and Twitter looking for vague posts about yourself.

Don't get me wrong. I understand wanting to look into previous friends and see what they're saying about you. But you can't blame them for venting and using their personal social media to vent. They didn't even mention you by name. Everyone on all sides is allowed to be sad and is allowed to vent.

I don't want to guilt you or tell you what to do, but you should consider deleting the post and making a public apology for your part in this. You both did wrong here. Bringing up the Georgie from IT cosplay was unnecessary and superfluous and being indigenous has nothing to do with gunplay. I'm sorry, but that's a common kink. I don't have it as I'm Ace, but many do.

Gig should be less guilt trippy and vague. And they should always tag triggers and kinks. But none of that should be cancellable.

Again. I'm sorry you were hurt and I'm very sorry you're sick. But taking responsibility is important. Please consider what I'm saying. Feel better soon.

“Frightened” to interact with me? Bullshit. You’ve sent me literal essays both on and off anonymous trying to do the same thing Gig has been, you just have different tactics and terrible comprehension skills. You don’t follow me, or interact with me, nor will you ever. My friends and I, we don’t have this kind of relationship. You’d know that if you did actually know me.

Regardless —

#1) This is a lot of text to tell me that, weeks later, that you still don’t understand what the actual crux of my issue with Sam was. So allow me to do my donation to charity services and hold your hand through it:

It was not just gunkink. Sam was not tagging graphic, life-altering violence against women. This was not just kink. It was horrific violence I have experienced and it results in death if executed correctly. So while you want to talk as if you are the final arbiter of the Indigenous experience? You do not get to decide that my experiences in my body were invalid. I have severe PTSD as a result of them. I have boundaries set in place to keep me safe when I have to skate near my triggers. And while it was a spat? I thought Sam and I solved this instance in what I thought was amicable terms.

Except that Sam encouraged her friends to engage me in fights. Just like, surprise, we’re now. Because Sam wants to be the victim. And when I found out, suddenly I was “so nice and sweet” and she couldn’t understand why they were attacking me. Except that Sam knew damn well why, because she had been the one to goad them in the first place, and then made them look the fool when Sam wouldn’t even defend them.

It is not the lack of tagging. It isn’t even the violence. It’s her manipulation of other people to guilt and victimize herself when someone is firm on their boundaries. I had them. @raphaeni had them. @laceratiio had them. These are things we will not write. These are topics we do not want to explore. Topics I do not want to see on my dash are these, so please do not follow me or engage me in writing if you want to do this sort of thing.

Sam blatantly lied and said she did not engage with any of these until she got close enough to feel comfortable. Then they come out. You can maturely tell her that you are not comfortable and are parting ways, but despite the fact she will seem very amicable? She will demonize and distort what was said, you’ll get a spike in crude anons, and then magically you have a ton of vague posting about how you crushed her spirit and did her dirty. There is no consideration for how she made you feel, or if there is, it is only in the context of how shitty of a friend she was and how it can be spun for pity.

I have the right to call out bad behaviour. Especially when it is a pattern and can be established as such. I have the right to warn people, especially when she all but proved the other callout true with her behaviour. Numerous people have showed me her attempting to imply I’d be the reason for her unaliving herself. If anything, I hope this sets a goddamn precedent for the help she clearly needs and isn’t getting.

She wants her boundaries respected but she never respected anyone else’s so long as we carried a pretty face she could write a problematic Neri ship with.

#2) Everyone wants non-screencapped proof, but manipulators wipe their evidence. I can give what I have, all collected in literally under a whole hour of my time over one day, but then I’m a bully and a stalker for playing into what you want, right? You can’t have both.

#3) If you respected my boundaries, you’d leave me alone after nearly two goddamn weeks. Knowing damn well I almost just had to be hospitalized. You don’t. You’re more concerned with getting the outcome you want.

You haven’t figured out yet that telling me to do shit is the most surefire way to make me never do it.

#ooc #[ and because you cannot help but send me anons ] #[ off goes the anon feature ]

[alanshee-keeper-of-realms]

Dang, I didn't even know there was a fandom for Ninjago on Tumblr. There is one for Twitter, TikTok, and YouTube and it's toxic there as someone who has shifted away from the fandom in 2019, seeing all these dramas happening over plastic little bricks is utterly insane, the last time there was a drama it because of homophobic users on twitter that said something about how heterosexuality makes the show better which goes to show there is ALSO a concerning amount of lacking media literacy in this fandom who ONLY cares about the ships in the show and NOT for the story 🤷🏽‍♀️ and I didn't know there is heat happening on Tumblr. This fandom never changed its way, huh? Most of the people who switched fandoms were people over 15+ who wants to be in a fandom that's solely a safe space for marginalized groups. I don't blame people for leaving this fandom. Hopefully OP, you do find a fandom where you actually feel safe and belong and I'm sorry to hear that YOU'VE been getting harsh treatment by the community :( you deserve so much better than this. I recommend checking out The Owl House fandom and the show itself, as someone who is in it, I think you might like it there more than the fandom you've left.

I have actually been hiding out in the Owl House fandom on my other account and honestly I really do not want to leave this page so I have made a decision after 2 weeks I have decided to come back to this page and completely redo it, but you know what I'm not ashamed about my posts before

Take that as that is what trauma does to a person and only a coward would delete the evidence of that damage. I wasn't thinking clearly at all

In the end I'm just here trying to create stuff for other people to enjoy and I appreciate the anonymous folks that are clearly outside the Ninjago fandom who have encouraged me not to abandon this page, while I will occasionally do things, I will not be the same as I once was with it,completely loyal to a fault.

My time with the Ninjago fandom is a majority over with this post. I say it to you, and the other Anon, which I will respond to, have really helped me realize how toxic the fandom has become.

But it's hard for ones founding member to leave what they once helped to create and watched grow for over 12 years

If you didn't know that about me, I was around for the original days. I was around online from 2013 onwards.... I was making fanfic. I was interacting I was creating art even! Not very much, but I would, I would post, and I would do everything to help bring it to life, to support this little show I used to love with everything I had,

But the fandom and its inhabitants took that away from me... took that love and support that I once wanted to give to this fandom and threw it back, and showed me they really never cared for my effort, so in the end all I got was nothing and that's evidenced by these past few years.

So with a heavy heart I do say a majority of my days in the Ninjago fandom are done.

This decision also came as I again have been getting into the Owl House fandom and found more support than I have ever felt from Ninjago in a long long time.

It didn't take them long at all to bring me in amongst their group.... as long as I keep my tags appropriate and stuff to my corner I've already found that I can be as weird as I want to be,

Again, something I used to be able to do in the Ninjago fandom before I recently realized I became afraid of it, afraid of losing everything from it

How is that right because I don't think it is okay, and it never will be. And the sad factor is I know I'm not alone due to all of these anons. I've had more than a couple that I can tell that they were former Ninjago fans

Maybe the fandom needs to look at itself and realize it's killing itself. It's like a cancer festering and eating away at it until there is nothing left but insanity and hatred

Perhaps they have already reached this point.

And that thought about makes me cry that's how much I loved that fandom but as the saying goes if you love something

Let It Go

[annetteblog]

Intro & My take on KM

Hi!

I’m new around here so it’s supposed to be (not so short) introduction, since I don’t know how to start a blog heh. I hope to sprinkle my 0.5 cents into the KM conversation and maybe to bring a new perspective from someone, who is not a part of the typical English-speaking West.

Who /the hell/ Am I?  

(please, consider it to be said with NJ’s voice from Intro: Persona :D)

I was born in Siberia (it’s in the Asian part of Russia), currently live in the European part of the country while studying at a Uni (European in terms of geography, not in terms of everything else i’m definitely not shading rn lolllll). English is not my first language, I’ve just kind of learnt it to some extent. Due to this it takes me more time to write a post; and I may (and will) make some grammatical & other mistakes. Plus I’m lazy AND busy with Uni, so I won’t even promise to be consistent in posting smth lol. But I thought I need more practice in terms of writing in English, so here I am, actually scribbling something. This feels weird, because I’ve been around stan Tumblr since 2015, but never ever interacted, just read.

How I ended up around Jikook/Kookmin (and BTS) & My (long&messy) take on this matter

Although I had heard of BTS before, I became an Army only in October 2018. I had kinda avoided them, because you know... boybands.... sing songs about romantic love and how they love girls.......... (+I had been around Twitter when 1D been at their peak and I remember a quite toxic community of fans, whom always had scared me). Shortly, hello stereotypes. Obviously, after I got engaged I felt terribly sorry that I had been sleeping on them, but what is done cannot be undone. 

Someone I knew back then reposted one of their MVs and I, during my sad hours of procrastination, decided to watch it. Then I saw their live performance with the same song. And I thought “wow these guys can sing and dance and the music is kinda cool, i need to check this out maybe??” 

Then a funny thing happened. One of the next videos I watched (the same person had it added to their page) was a 2016 BangtanBomb where JM and JK practiced their Coming of Age dance. 

Do you know this moment with Gina from the 1st episode of Brooklyn 9-9:

Well, that was precisely me after I watched it. I don’t even know how to explain this, it was kind of a gut feeling? Whatever you call it, I started to get suspicious and couldn’t even explain to myself why. /actually now a do have questions to this vid and the main one - why does everyone cringe that much? if it’s a girly choreo than they had done some “girly” moves before. why is there such strong reaction??/

I started to get deeper and went to some ru-shipper communities. Shipping culture among Russian speaking fans is... well, weird to some extent, but I maybe address this topic some time later. You need to consider that (as far as you probably know) Russia is quite homophonic country and sadly is not the greatest place for LGBTQ+ community at the moment. The non-frienly influential attitudes hanging in the society + the general shippers’ weirdness = the result is not that nice honestly. 

I struggled for some time in order to find more mature people (not just in terms of age but in general sanity), failed, ended up with some EXTREMELY toxic ru-fans of TK, which was/is the most popular pairing here, spent among them like 15 minutes and ran away horrified. After that I didn’t even try to engage with shippers or believers or whatever of any pair and just decided to enjoy the music and the content (which is a great idea, highly recommend!)

After a couple of days I discovered that JK makes videos. I love video, films and visual art so I immediately found them on YT, saw the titles with names of different cities from all over the world and was like “Oh that must be so cool, he’s visited so many outstanding places I’ve never been to, so I really need to watch it! I shall enjoy some beautyyy”. Then I clicked on GCFt.

Well, what can I say. I did enjoy some beauty, but not the type I had initially anticipated. The biggest clickbait in my entire life. JK should be proud of himself.

                                       /as I said - the beauty/

I had already known Troy back then and I known the song’s lyrics so it would not be an underestimation to say - the video just blew my mind. I was like - hold on is this real? seriously?? no really really????? he manage to get away with something THAT obvious?????? dude how

As a person who edited videos AND is not a native English speaker, I don’t buy the explanation “oh he mustve didnt get the lyrics lmao”. You just don’t do that. You don’t. DON’T. You google and translate every shit you don’t understand, every word and idiom you’ve never encountered, because otherwise the possibility of an epic failure is very likely. You wouldn’t want to give your mum a video as a birthday present and then discover that you used a song with WAP-ish lyrics, right? (well maybe that would be okay in your family, I don’t judge, but that’s not the case for people I know). So don’t you dare to degrade JK’s intellectual capacities; such assumption is really offensive. He is a smart boii, he knows exactly what he’s doing in terms of his art.

So I was shocked, but decided to look for the context - maybe I missed some previous events regarding this Tokyo thing (another great idea - always check the context). Well, apparently I didn’t, because the whole narrative with the trip for two, lovely selfies etc. made my poor brain lowkey explode. (I still don’t buy the rings theory thing though)

But I didn’t give up lol! I’m a bit stubborn and it’s very hard to convince me in anything, so I decided to search for more context, more of their interactions, moreeee. Remember, the late October 2018, there were no swan lakes, RB, and even MMA18 hadn’t happened yet. 

This time I ended up watching content in more or less consistent way, and when I saw all of these scenes with affectionate JM and a cool badass i-don’t-care-about-anyone-i’m-a-manly-man-with-no-feelings-whatsoever JK, I just hysterically laughed. 

Homophobic Russia, remember? I recognized this. Growing up here being LGBT myself, taught me the same type behaviour during my high school days. When a girl I kinda liked but didn’t what to admit it to myself was nice to me or (oh god) flirted with me, I did something similar. It’s like a huge panic mode. Being an introvert doesn’t help either. The funniest thing is that you may not entirely realise what exactly is going on in terms of your own feelings, especially at that age (16-18ish). In my personal case, I thought I liked her but as a friend, only later to realise that well not as a friend oops :DDD The second thing (already not so funny) is that you actually consciously or unconsciously try to avoid the subject as much as possible, as long as possible and pretend that nothing is going on. We’re just bros. Stop doing this stupid gayish thing and don’t look at me like that, you’re annoying. If you ever do this again I (gently) kick you. I’m straighter than a straight line in my math textbook. IDK, but probably that’s your brain is somehow trying to protect you. Again, in my case&position I knew that the consequences for any non-straight person being outed would be bad (TW not to the point of being killed bad, but to the point of being excluded from a big part of society). So for me it was a mixture of the internalized homophobia + lack of self reflection + just being a bit emotionally slow + very! straight community around. Shit happens, I was a teenager and made my share of mistakes, but that experience helps me to recognize the same pattern of behaviour up to this day.   

So coming back to KM, because the post is already waaay too long and I just ramble. It’s been 2+ years for me being a part of this fandom, and what can I say... Things become more intense and eventful with every year passing by ;) Funny how I felt that vibe from the 2016 dance practice video. Seeing the Black Swan performance a week ago almost had me choked, no joking. They are amazing.

                                                    Pure Art

However, and I would like to emphasize that, I do not incline that KM are 100% romantically involved and/or gay or whatever. I tend to treat people with respect and not to make too much assumptions about their private life. That’s not my business. However, I’m also not a fan of heteronormativity, so I’m just sitting here and observe everything that’s going on putting some distance and not forgetting being generally polite and critical thinking. But if they are just straightest besties please give them an Oscar before Grammy

Anyways, I hope this blog won’t kick the bucket from the very start and I will post something every now and then. You can always ask me questions about some BTS/Jikook related stuff or something about Russia and a Russian view on mass culture topics, since I’m pretty sure some of you have very stereotypical view of what is going on here :) However, do note that I’ve never been to America or Europe, therefore I may not be aware of something verrrry obvious to you or just have a completely different experience. 

P.S.  And yeah, I’m used to say Jikook, since it’s the name which is used much more frequently in Russian.  i like it better and what will u do haha

#jikook #kookmin #what am i even doing here #i'm gonna regret this #long post

[bakagamieru]

Hi! I've been feeling really down, as well as frustrated and sad these past few days and I guess I'm here for a bit of reassurance maybe? Your blog was what opened my eyes to Ziam and also to the stunt ot4 v Zayn and all that, about a year ago, so I'm quite new. Your masterposts especially have been very informative! So basically I trust your judgement in this as someone who's been here a while and gone through it. Anyway, I completely believe in Ziam along with Larry now (been a Larrie (1)

(2) a long while) and I also believe all bbg's are fake etc. The thing I still get confused about/doubt sometimes, is the whole Harry&Louis & Zayn 'feud' thing. Most days I'm sure in my heart that all the twitter fights and post-interviews being mad at Z is all fake and part of a narrative. Zayn honestly even put lyrics to a song about a fight before actual fight for fucks sake?! Also it was all so ridiculous and public, childish, etc. it can't possibly have been real. Then his 'falling out

(3) with NB in the end. Also what ELSE (if not that 'fight') could they have been mad at him for? For 'leaving' because of his health (or whatever they said was the reason)? And after all this time still being mad/or at least bringing it up? Sounds very unlike H&L too doesn't it? Then I remember rbb/sbb, and this is something I've researched TOO MUCH honestly. Some people still refuse to even admit it was there or that it meant ANYTHING. But that goddamn yellow smiley was there several times

(4) after the 'twitter fight'. Why would that be the case? Also Ziam being together, and Louis being so close with Liam and hating on his man? It just doesn't add up anywhere. Sorry I know this is just me sounding very insecure about it all and atm I kinda am. I was having a discussion with a Larrie the other day. One of the bigger blogs with a big influence and lots of people reblogged and agreed with them, when I was trying to point out how I think 1D as a 'whole' are still being under some

(5) form of contract or image clause at the very least. They said the whole contract thing is fanfiction at this point (besides Louis essentially) and the other boys are all free to do whatever. They also don't believe in Ziam or that Zayn is friends with the boys at all. Mentioned how Harry is still 'salty' about him in interviews etc etc. They are so SURE of themselves. But yeah even though I mostly KNOW I still doubt on this because of the fucked up narratives. what if H&L / Zayn really did

(7) has been a stunt? Not saying they hang out as best friends these days maybe, what with their own lives and pandemic on top of it, but do you still think they're 'family'/ot5forever'? I honestly feel like I get gaslighted even by Larries these days and it's not much fun to follow them anymore :( Seeing Harry with Niall made me smile though! Gives me at least some hope that they still are close xx //This got very long, I'm so sorry. You can answer in tags if you wish :)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Number 6 never seems to have made it to my inbox.  Good job numbering them, though, because I never would have realized one was missing otherwise.

Anyway, I hate to say it, but talking to Larries is a fraught prospect.  Almost all of the people who still call themselves Larries don’t believe in Ziam and it’s because they’ve never bothered to actually look at the evidence.  They don’t treat all of the boys with the same respect or interest that they treat Harry and Louis, so any time you try to convince them of a stunt related to Liam, Zayn, or Niall, they’re likely going to make their decision based on nothing but bias and refuse to budge on it no matter how much evidence you have.  Taking their word on Louis being the only one still under contract/sabotaged when they clearly don’t pay any attention to what’s actually going on with the other boys would be foolish.  You can always try to change a Larrie’s mind and maybe there should always be people that do try, but from my perspective, it’s just a depressing and infuriating situation to put yourself in.  

At best, I would have those conversations privately, especially if the blog has a lot of influence.  A blog with a lot of influence has ulterior motives to not changing their views publicly because if they do, they may well lose followers.  You may have a chance of getting them to look at evidence if you’re talking in private though.

I know the whole 1D friendship thing is hard right now because it’s been more than 5 years since they’ve really interacted.  We’ve gotten some Niam, Nouis, and Lilo here and there, but most of that is just talk even, no pics.  Because we have no immediate evidence of their friendship in front of us, all we have to rely on is interviews which we KNOW are BS-narrative machines.  It’s hard to ignore them when it’s all we have, but we should ignore them anyway because past experience has taught us just how much interviews push stunt narratives.

I would actually say the whole Narry outing recently gives us more to believe in than anything else.  If Harry and Niall hung out completely in public and we only found out about it through a picture a week or two later that could easily have never been identified by a fan, then it’s pretty likely that all the boys have managed to hang out whenever they want without being noticed, right?  Especially if they went to each other’s houses instead of to a public hiking trail.  There’s so much going on behind the scenes that we don’t have access to or knowledge of.  Zayn could have hung out with any one of the boys at any time because we hardly know where he is.  He’s almost never even on social media, so there are huge chunks of time where he’s unaccounted for.

The hiatus is hard specifically because of a lack of new information and because the status quo (in terms of the BS narrative) has had no reason to change for a long time.  I’ve said it before, but with Zayn’s situation, the only time after hiatus started that it makes narrative and business sense to reverse the “feud” narrative is leading up to a reunion.  That means we most likely WILL NOT see any improvement until a reunion approaches and with the pandemic, that’s definitely not happening this year and probably not even next.  It sucks, but the status quo of BS being maintained is what we should expect right now and just because it IS being maintained isn’t a sign of anything having worsened.  It’s just logical.  If you want to use the hype of a reconciliation to get fans excited, to sell tickets, to earn money, etc., then you need to wait until a reunion so that you HAVE tickets to sell and money to earn.

I would say hold on to the logical conclusions you can come to from the time when we had a lot of information to go off of (the OTRA tour and just after) and try not to read into anything happening now because there’s just about NOTHING happening right now and there’s just not enough data to find patterns and draw conclusions about the reality behind the fakery. 

#one direction #bakagamieru #I hope that helps #when I say 'Larries' I don't mean everyone that believes in Larry #because I'm pretty sure most people who believe in Ziam also believe in Larry #but pretty much none of them call themselves Larries #Anonymous

[hanaasbananas]

A Little Love Part Two

Part One, Part Three

AO3

Four years later

“Hello?” There was a knock on the counter above him and Adrien paused at the familiar voice. “Is anyone in? The sign said open so...”

Emerging from where he’d been putting things away behind the counter, Adrien grabbed a cup, beginning the motions of preparing an order. “Hi, what can I get you today?”

“Actually, can I meet Adrien?”

Inwardly, he sighed at the question. Really, it had been a year already, hadn’t the novelty worn off yet? But when he met the girl's gaze, he was surprised to realise that he knew the girl standing across from him. Just as surprising was the way she looked around the place as though she was searching for someone else.

Huh.

“Yeah, one second-” he ducked back below the counter to grab his apron, ignoring her perplexed look until he pulled it over his head, gesturing to the name emblazoned across the front. “Adrien, that’s me.”

“Oh!” she clapped a hand to her mouth “Oh, shit, that’s embarrassing, um, hi, I’m Marinette,” she held out a hand for him to shake. “I’m writing an article on the best up and coming bakeries and cafes in the city and I’d really like it if I could write about your cafe. I’ve heard amazing reviews about this place. Especially about all your cheese desserts.”

Adrien blinked. An article...well it was bound to be better than any of the other things that had been written about him. The documentaries and exposes, and twitter threads ripping into father and Nathalie, even speculating about what Adrien himself might be capable of. But an article about the cafe ...

She was staring at him expectantly and he nodded quickly. “I’d love that!”

“Perfect!” Marinette grinned, turning to go. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning then!”

***

Marinette wasn’t stupid.

She knew exactly why Alya had gotten her to take charge of this project and it wasn’t because you know so much more about pastries than I do!

Please. As if something like lack of knowledge had ever stopped Alya before.

Still, with Hawkmoth defeated for good, and the heroes of Paris gone, the Ladyblog was no longer active and Marinette supposed it couldn’t hurt to help Alya as she experimented with different endeavours.

Getting Alya off her back about her abysmal social life was just a bonus. Not to mention that Adrien’s Cafe was certainly...intriguing.

Former model and son of the disgraced fashion designer Gabriel Agreste- Hawkmoth , returns to Paris after two years and...opens a cafe? The headline wrote itself!

And a successful cafe, at that, Marinette thought to herself as she walked in. The place was already packed full of customers and it was only nine in the morning.

She hadn’t had a chance to properly look around the day before and she scanned the place from where she stood at the entrance, taking in the large bookcase in the back corner, with several plush chairs and a low coffee table; the rustic table booths and dim lighting that lent the place a homely air.

But by far, the most appealing thing about the place stood behind the counter. Looking up at her entrance, Adrien’s green eyes met hers across the crowded room, his face splitting in a wide grin as he weaved his way around tables and customers to greet her.

Which was another reason why she didn’t mind doing this article-the subject was super easy on the eyes. He almost reminded her of another blonde haired, green eyed boy she used to know, but Marinette quickly dispelled that thought, focusing instead on Adrien in front of her.

She was definitely going to enjoy this job.

***

“-a clean break, you know? I just needed to get away from everything here and start fresh somewhere new where nobody really knew me.” Adrien took a sip of his coffee, avoiding Marinette’s gaze as she scribbled down notes.

Somehow, even though Adrien knew Marinette was writing an article about him, he found it easy to open up to her. He glanced down at his hand, at his empty finger, remembering the ring that had once sat there. It had been easy to talk to her before , as well, when he had been Chat Noir.

In the last two weeks, the small crush on Marinette that he’d nursed all those years ago, had returned full force. It didn’t help that she was at the cafe every day, sampling all their wares, taking photos of everything as though every square inch of the place needed to be documented. Most times he struggled to retain his cool, sending over his new hire instead to take her orders and serve them as well. Despite that, he couldn’t help but follow her every movement as he worked, watching for her reactions as she tried his cakes and pastries, and he couldn’t resist at all when she asked him to sit with her.

Soon, maybe when her article was done, he even planned on asking her out on a proper date.

“And then...what made you decide to come back?” Marinette prompted, breaking him from his thoughts and he sighed.

“Don’t get me wrong, it was nice, living in another country, with my aunt and cousin, and even just getting to go to culinary school instead of following the path my father had set out for me by having me do a business degree, but, well…” Adrien shrugged uncomfortably “Paris is home, and I wanted to come back. My father took so much from me, I didn’t want him to take this as well.”

“That’s...wow.” Marinette straightened, sending a winning smile in his direction, seemingly unaware of the way she dazzled him. “Well I, for one, am very glad you came back to the city, because where else would I get all these amazing pastries?”

“Uh, from your parents?” Adrien raised an eyebrow, laughing and throwing his hands up in surrender when she threw her pen at him.

“You know what I meant!”

***

Adrien’s Cafe was shut on the anniversary. 

Of course it would be , Marinette thought to herself crossly. It had been stupid to even come out today.  

Adrien had more of a claim to sadness on this day than she did, and yet, for the first time in four years, Marinette had found herself wanting to spend the day with someone instead of wallowing in her own misery and regret, without even Tikki to keep her company.  

Swallowing her disappointment, she turned away, hiking her back up on her shoulder when she heard Adrien call her name.

“Marinette?” He stood in the open doorway, regarding her with a curious tilt to his head. “What are you doing here?”

“Uh..” she smiled awkwardly “I didn’t realise you were closed today, so I’ll just…” she made to leave “I’ll just go then.” 

“Wait!” Adrien grabbed something from behind the door and stepped out to meet her. “I was gonna go on a supply run,” he said, holding up two large canvas bags, he said “do you wanna come with me?” 

***

On the first anniversary of defeating father, Adrien had gone to visit him. He hadn’t stayed long, had simply pulled out the box that held Plagg’s ring and showed it to him, watching as realisation dawned on father’s face and left before anything could be said. He’d had a train to catch, after all. 

The next two years, while he’d lived with Aunt Amelie and Felix, Adrien simply locked himself in his room for the day. For once, his cousin never had a snarky remark for him. He almost wished that he did. At least that would be normal.

Even the year before, Adrien had hidden himself away, overwhelmed by the memories of being back in Paris, of seeing people celebrate the day. It was the only time he’d seriously considered putting his miraculous back on to see Plagg again instead of simply staring at the ring, turning it over and over in his hands, but never wearing it. 

But this year... this year Adrien had almost forgotten about the date entirely. He’d planned on going shopping anyway, to try and break his habit of locking himself away on the anniversary. His resolve had practically dissolved until he saw Marinette standing just outside the cafe, and suddenly, leaving the house hadn’t felt like such a terrible idea. 

It was meant to be a quick supply run, but the two of them had turned it into a fully fledged day out; driving around the city and even stopping for lunch in the park. 

Adrien might even have called it a date. He was pretty sure that Marinette felt the same way-if the pretty blush that coloured her cheeks whenever he flirted was any indication. 

It was dark when they returned, laden down with heavy bags as Adrien-loathe to let the good day end- let them into the empty cafe,  “What’ll you have then? Tea? Coffee? Hot chocolate? And you’ve gotta have some cake too. On the house!” 

Marinette shook her head, smiling softly at him and his heart skipped a beat in his chest. “You’re spoiling me, Adrien. I don’t need anything.”

“Come on,” he wheedled playfully, “just one slice? and you have to have coffee with it”— sensing her wavering resolve, he rummaged in the bags until he found what he was looking for. “I’ll even use the fresh beans…” he shook the bag enticingly, grinning when Marinette conceded with a groan. 

“Oh, fine . Go on then.” 

“Alright!” Adrien gestured to a table, pulling out a chair for her. “Take a seat, and I’ll be right back out.” 

Adrien hummed cheerfully to himself as he worked, meticulously slicing the banana and walnut cake-it was a new recipe that he wanted Marinette’s opinion on. He smiled to himself, laughing under his breath at his thoughts. 

It was strange how in such a short amount of time, she’d come to mean so much to him. Only a month ago he’d been determined to be a loner, to content himself with running the cafe and that was it. He got all the social interaction he needed from serving customers and what else could he need? 

And yet...Marinette had managed to worm her way into his life so easily he wondered at how strong his defences had been in the first place. 

Setting everything onto a tray, Adrien made his way to Marinette. “So this was the first time I made”— he stopped short, his blood freezing in his veins at the sight of the red…

...the red kwami that squeaked and zipped back into Marinette’s purse at the sight of him. 

“A-adrien!” Marinette exclaimed, her voice unnaturally shrill, though he hardly noticed, eyes trained on where he’d seen the kwami disappear. “That was uh...that was-”

“You’re Ladybug.” It wasn’t a question, simply a statement of fact and she hesitated for a moment before nodding. 

“Yes. I mean...I was. I’m so sorry, I didn’t tell you, but I was worried-” she half rose out of her seat as though to come up to him and he took a step back, setting the tray down heavily on another table.

After all this time…

Marinette’s voice was hesitant. “Adrien?” 

“Get out.” Adrien said, turning his back on her, his mind racing, putting the pieces together, seeing everything in a new light. “Get out.” He repeated “leave. Before I say something that I regret.”

“I-okay.” 

It wasn’t until the door slammed shut behind her that he let himself turn around to watch her retreating back, feeling as he had four years ago.

The emotions washed over him like a tidal wave and Adrien grabbed hold of the table as his legs buckled underneath him, the blood rushing in his ears.

It seemed that this year was just as bad as all the rest.

#mwg feb event #this part is the one most inspired by the music video Thoda Thoda Pyaar lol #can't believe this fic was supposed to be a coffee shop/cafe au it rEALLY went OFF THE RAILS #i love it tho #miraculous ladybug #adrinette #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng

[neverxalone]

———  basics! ♡

NAME! ♡       Yoo-sook

PRONOUNS! ♡     Hehehehehehhehehehehehehheehe

ZODIAC SIGN! ♡     Virgo

TAKEN OR SINGLE! ♡     Attack on Taken 

———  three  facts! ♡

1! ♡   I’ve been called “Ms.” and “Ma’am” in real life more times than I can count the times I was called “Mr.” recently. I find it flattering. Ah yes, the perks of skinny jeans, wolf cuts, and overall androgyny    

2! ♡   I play all the instruments and do the vocals for my metalcore/black metal band Escapade To Serenity. Here is my favorite song I’ve made so far: link

3! ♡   I’m Straight Edge, there’s a huge drinking and smoking culture here and everywhere else I guess, and I’m not up for it-- especially in the metal and -core scenes. I’m not the militant/policing type of Straight Edge follower though since I believe everyone has a right to do what they want to do or consume what they want to, but if there’s a chance for me to promote or encourage others to try Straight Edge, I’d take it. I gotta say I’m not so good at convincing though xD

———  experience! ♡

PLATFORMS USED! ♡     I started off RPing on Facebook in 2011, then moved to Twitter for a  very brief period in 2012 or 2013. I found the text limit on Twitter to be very restraining since one would have to make multiple tweets if they were to continue a long reply to a thread, and that kinda broke the pace for me. I don’t remember how I thought of Tumblr or came across it, but I moved here in 2013 and have preferred this as my RP platform ever since! I love how customizable the whole experience can be here. 

———  muse  preference! ♡

GENDER! ♡     I started off writing male characters, but as of late, I’ve found myself writing female characters more often. I guess I relate to them more than I do the male characters in the shows and media that I am exposed to. 

LEAST FAVOURITE FACE(S)! ♡   I don’t know and I don’t mind what people use. 

MULTI OR SINGLE! ♡      I’ve almost always did single muse settings. I remember trying dual muse blogs for my OCs in 2013 and 2014, but it was hard to keep track of two muses at once, so I just opted for my single muse blogs. I find them easier to manage.

FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT! ♡    okay let’s do this.

FLUFF :   FLUFF GOOD. Especially when done with characters and muns who are totally down with the ship, or if there is a natural chemistry that just makes you go “THIS IS IT, THEY ARE PERFECT”

ANGST :   So.... coming from a person who listens to Linkin Park and MySpace Metalcore on a regular, dare I say, daily basis, I absolutely DIG angst! Some of my muses have sad and angsty backstories as well which helps in the drive for that particular genre, but there are times that I also feel sad for my muses... Like I just want them to be happy as well, you know? 

SMUT :   I feel comfortable with smut if the characters have chemistry and the other mun is okay with it as well... Although I feel like I am somewhat lacking in some aspects because I have a rather straightforward way of writing. A lot of smut I’ve come across are quite detailed and dramatic, I’m not sure if I can write like that. 

PLOT / MEMES! ♡     I like memes for interactions and then we plot along the way! That usually works for me. Plots are also good for more in-depth interactions and starters. I am fine with either since I believe they can be done simultaneously. 

tagged by:  @tigrextoque ((Thanks a lot, my dude))

Tagging:  @perfumednightingale @mcmcntomorii @riverofsymphony @whitx-dxath @hirako5hinji @florabloomings @ryusxnka @akanoluna​ @akarxuu​ @praedulcis--helianthus​ and everyone else who wants to do this! Please tag me if you do~

#((This was quite fun to fill out!)) #Munday #((I guess it counts?))

[lnarizakis]

haikyuu: sparknoted | all about hinata shoyo

masterlist

all about hinata shoyo

foreword: Hi, everyone! I’m so glad you’re reading this. I’ve always wanted to do an analysis series of Haikyuu!!, and I think now that I have so much free time on my hands, this is the perfect time to start. I decided to start out with a character analysis on Hinata Shoyo, since he’s the protagonist of the series. The three topics I will cover are: his character, his character development, and the final arc. The topics about his development and the final arc contain spoilers, so beware! Please enjoy, and everything I say is left up for debate, addition, and correction!

HINATA’S CHARACTER

NOMENCLATURE | Since we are talking about a character, we should look at his, well, character. This kid’s name is Hinata Shoyo, and according to the Wiki, his name means “Place in the sun/Sunny place” (Hinata), and “Flying heaven” (Shoyo). Part of his last name, Hina, means a chick or a baby bird. We should know by now that the meaning of his last name is intentional - multiple times he is referred to as the sun in the manga and anime. He is often compared to Tsukishima, who is referred to as the moon. Like Hinata, he was given that name also with intention. I’m pretty sure the story mentions this, but the reason Hinata was given this name was because of how much he shines. Not just because of his personality, because of course, he is a very bright person, but his whole character shines. He radiates - the effects of his “sunshine,” per se, is found in the character development of multiple people - Yachi, Kenma, Hyakuzawa, Kageyama, and even Tsukishima.

MOON AND SUN | I’m going to side-track and talk about the relationship between Tsukishima and Hinata for a little bit - the story mentions this, but it’s worth noting and it leads into what I’m going to say next. Tsukishima and Hinata are like night and day, respectively. Hinata is bright like the day - he shines and radiates the sunshine off on other people. They bask in his light and become better people because of it. Tsukishima, on the other hand, is more lowkey; he prefers not to talk to people rather than to interact, and, initially, he has no interest in improvement. Plants don’t grow during the night (I will refer to this analogy later). The point is: one can only see the moon when sunlight reflects off of it (I think that’s how the moon’s brightness works; all I know is that the sun’s light is involved lol). Therefore, the effects of Hinata’s presence and his “shine” has affected Tsukishima so much that he is able to shine even “in the night”. So besides Kageyama and perhaps Kenma, Tsukishima is one of the people to be most affected by Hinata’s personality.

APPEARANCE | Okay, now I’m going to talk about Hinata’s appearance. He’s short, he has orange hair, and always has the brightest smile on his face. Except when he has to make a point like “We haven’t won yet,” where he’s got that awfully creepy and sinister smile on his face. But I’m going to get back to that. First- his height. When we first get to know Hinata, the very first note of his height is where he stands at 162.8 cm/5’4 ft. (April 2012). He’s as tall as I am! But he’s not tall enough for volleyball, and he is constantly looked down (literally and metaphorically) for that fact. His opponents, and even his teammates, don’t realize the hidden potential that hides within Hinata. So it becomes ironic when there are people who are taller than Hinata, and they “look up” to him. Notably, Hyakuzawa. During the first-year’s training camp in Season 4/To The Top (AKA Ball Boy Arc), there’s a scene in which Hyakuzawa is sitting on the ground while leaning against the wall. He’s looking up at Hinata, who stands in front of him. He tells Hinata that he should have been invited instead of him, which is very ironic because when Karasuno played against his school (I don’t remember which school oops), he was seen as this very intimidating guy despite his lack of experience. Anyways, the point is - despite Hinata’ s height, he makes up for it with ability and talent, to which others who are much taller than he is are just in awe, and perhaps jealous, that he could go past this misfortune of his and strengthen his other skills instead.

ELEMENTS OF HORROR | “We haven’t won yet,” Hinata says, with the most sinister smile on his face. No, man, it’s not sinister. He’s just in the moment. Of course, he doesn’t mean to pull off that kind of scary face, it’s not in him. Yet the face he makes, along with the tone of voice he uses when saying those four words, just gets people. It chills them right to the bone because it’s so unlike Hinata yet it is so like Hinata. He is the type of person to persist on and encourage himself and others just by saying “We haven’t won yet,” but he doesn’t make that type of face. So… why does he make that type of face? The reason is the author’s choice. Furudate loves horror and drew Hinata’s face with a sinister expression. That’s the simple reason, but I believe there is so much more to that. Furudate could have based his entire style on a horror-like manga, despite it being quite out-of-place as it is a manga about volleyball, but if that’s what he wants, that’s what he wants. However, he chose to draw that particular scene with a horror-type feel because that’s what the others see. That’s what everyone who watched Hinata say those four words saw. His expression, his eyes… everything about it chilled them to the bone and Furudate wanted it to make it clear to the reader that that’s how we are supposed to perceive his words. Because if he drew it any other way, it would have come off as Hinata jumping up and down exclaiming with a super-happy voice, “We haven’t won yet! Let’s keep going, guys!” But no- it’s supposed to be creepy because everyone else saw it as creepy.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

SPOILER WARNING! | This section is very spoiler-heavy! Please don’t read this section if you do not want to be spoiled for the outcomes of the nationals!

THE BALL BOY ARC | I will be covering Hinata’s character development all throughout season 4 because I think that this is the most important development to Hinata’s character. I’ll begin with the Ball Boy Arc, where Hinata must swallow his pride after entering the first-year training camp uninvited. Of course, Hinata had good intentions when he arrived, but he did not realize the consequences of his actions. Before, when he heard that Kageyama and Tsukishima were invited to these training camps, the first thought that ran through Hinata’s mind was “Why wasn’t I invited?” Yes, Hinata realizes his strength and the growth he has made throughout the time he had been practicing volleyball, but it seemed to him that he just wasn’t good enough. Upon arriving at the training camp, Coach Washijo immediately denies him to practice with the rest and so Hinata swallows his pride and announces himself as only the ball boy, nothing more. This is important because he is actually telling everybody there that he really just is not good enough.

KAGEYAMA’S SUPPORT | Coach Washijo tells Hinata that he is no good without the support of Kageyama. This comes across as a slap to the face for the poor boy, but I believe the coach told him this for two reasons. One, Washijo does not want to admit to the fact that Hinata is definitely strong and is an amazing player, but, two, Hinata is not strong without Kageyama and so he therefore cannot participate in a camp where Kageyama is not there to support him. This opens up Hinata’s eyes and he realizes that he must not rely on Kageyama all the time; after all, Kageyama is his rival. I don’t know if I’m right on this, but this is one of the two times where Hinata trains and learns without Kageyama’s help. The other time was when he practiced with Coach Ukai, the senior. If I’m wrong, please let me know!

HINATA’S COLLAPSE | Progressively throughout Season 4 we see that Hinata gains lines under his eyes. I saw two twitter posts that mention these- the first about how they could be “crow’s feet,” and the second about how they are lines of exhaustion. I agree with the second post. Throughout the season we observe how hard Hinata works and that sometimes he pushes his limits. He calls his coach to ask him about what he should eat, but I don’t know if we ever see him eat what Ukai tells him to eat. If we do… then, okay then. Lol. Anyways, not only are his eating habits being rearranged, it is also assumed that Hinata bikes home very late at night every day during the training camp at Shiratorizawa. He goes home with his heart pumping so he probably goes to sleep at an even later time. So Hinata also has a bad sleep schedule, and you know how hard it is to try and revert a bad sleep schedule… Hinata is also shown at times during nationals to be wide awake at night. With this, we can tell that he is exhausted. He is tired and in need of a rest. But he doesn’t give himself a rest, because all he wants is to prove to others, and himself, that he is good. And this leads to his downfall- his collapse in the middle of the Kamomedai VS Karasuno game. Hinata catches a fever all because he couldn’t take good care of himself. It’s so unfortunate, but it’s another wake-up call for Hinata that tells him that good things take time to come. He can’t magically hone his skills overnight.

THE FINAL ARC

THIS IS IT. IT’S REALLY THE END. | Ah, the final arc. We are so close to the end of Haikyuu!! and it makes me so sad to think about it every time. The final arc is the last match of the game. It is no coincidence that it is the last time we see Hinata use the restroom before the game. It is also no coincidence that many things that happened during Hinata’s first game are happening as well - Hinata meets Kageyama again at the restroom, he breathes in the smell of icy-hot spray, and, of course, he is going against Kageyama. That’s just awesome. But… he is not only going against Kageyama, he’s also going against Ushijima Wakatoshi and Hoshiumi Korai. This is no mere coincidence. These three people are all Hinata’s rivals. He declared one way or another that he would beat each of them and become the greater person. Hinata told Kageyama that he would, one day, beat him in a game. Hinata told Ushijima that he would beat Shiratorizawa and move onto nationals. I don’t remember if Hinata ever told Hoshiumi if he would beat him in a game one day, but we know for a fact that Hoshiumi did, at least in his mind. Let’s not forget how Hoshiumi really thought, “I’ve waited years for this day, Hinata Shoyo!!” Before the final game.

TEAMMATES: PAST AND PRESENT | I also want to mention the “commentators” for this match as well as some of Hinata’s teammates. In every game that we read/watch in Haikyuu!!, there is at least one person outside of the game who commentates on their perspective of what is going on in the game. We are not only getting the action, but also the analysis. In the final match, we are getting the commentary from Hinata’s teammates. We are finally getting their perspective in the game and how they perceive everyone’s actions. I just thought that was really cool since they were Hinata’s teammates- we never got the chance to hear their opinions about the game as an outsider. We also have some of Hinata’s teammates, Bokuto Koutarou, Miya Atsumu, and Sakusa Kiyoomi. I specifically want to talk about Bokuto and Atsumu, since the only reason I believe Sakusa was placed in the MSBY Jackals was so we could see his own ability because we never got to see him play in high school. Besides the Little Giant, I don’t know if there was any other person that Hinata looked up to more than Bokuto. I think it was great for Furudate to place Bokuto on Hinata’s team because it’s sort of a teacher-student moment where the teacher has to play with his disciple. I also think Furudate made the smartest choice to place Miya on this team as well because it shows that Kageyama is not the only one to perform a quick attack with Hinata. Having Miya on this team provides two things- it becomes a “battle of the setters” between Miya and Kageyama, and we see that Hinata has grown to adapt to perform well with other setters. It’s great character development on Hinata’s part because we see that he has definitely moved past the “he’s no good without Kageyama” thing back in high school. Good for him!

RIVALRY | Anyways, with a little analysis on Hinata’s team, we move on to the opponents. The big three opponents are, of course, Kageyama, Ushijima, and Hoshiumi. It’s a really good thing that Furudate placed these three on a team together (Talking about Romero makes their team even more OP so we’re just gonna set him aside for right now, haha) because it’s a test of Hinata’s ability. We get to see the rematch of the century, since each of Hinata’s rivals have wished for a rematch against him. Hinata lost to Kageyama’s team back in middle school, so now we wonder if Hinata could beat Kageyama now. We know that Ushijima lost to Hinata, but since he declared that he would beat Hinata in the future, we also wonder if Hinata could win against him, this time without the help of his teammates back in Karasuno. Lastly, Hinata collapsed in the middle of the match against Kamomedai, so we do not know for sure if Hinata could have won against Hoshiumi. All of these questions that we have for these three rivals will be cleared in this match; we get to see if Hinata will win in the end. We will learn if Hinata has truly become stronger. This match will let Hinata examine his current self and if his skills now can finally win against Kageyama, Ushijima, and Hoshiumi. It’s sort of like the “final exam” for Hinata’s strength.

Alright, that’s all I have to say! If you read all of this... then wow. I am in awe. Thank you for reading! I really enjoyed writing something like this. I was writing like the end of the world was coming. If you liked this, please let me know! Disagreed with anything I said? That’s fine, let’s respectfully discuss! Thanks!

#haikyuu!! #hinata shouyou #hinata shoyo #cadekagi

[greennct]

chenle in your camera lens

fansite!au, i've had this idea for ages, i thought it was super cute!! let me know what u think, i tried to make it as fluff-y as possible bc chenle is my baby! it’s also bullet pointed bc i wanted to see how it would feel to write in that style & honestly i was literally just trying to write like @warmau​ bc she’s super talented & i love her im so sorry i had to drag u into this 💞💖💘

edit!! i just posted a part 2 to this fic, which you can find here!

(3.2k words yo what, no triggers apart from chenle making cute meme faces which genuinely actives my soft sad hours)

song rec: notice me by spinn

not to brag, but like,,,, you were pretty famous as far as fansites go

part of it was because you had just been around for so long, taking photos of zhong chenle pretty much since the first day of his debut

and part of it was how talented you were at capturing the boy so authentically

but the main reason nctzens knew/loved/worshipped you, was because of how effortless and pure your interactions were with him

before you had even heard the word kpop, your passion had always been photography

however since you were still in high school, you were broke and unable to really pursue your dream properly

like seriously, apart from one half-broken digital camera you were pretty sure hadn’t been upgraded since 2003, the photography department at your school was pretty much nonexistent. you found yourself getting more and more upset about the fact you weren’t allowed to do what you loved every day

so it really was only a matter of time before you decided to take matters into your own hands

immediately after having spent a ridiculous amount of money on a mediocre, but at least functioning camera, you decided to take it out the next weekend you could, to try and capture some action in the streets of seoul

you were expecting cute photos of couples, candids of children playing, maybe even some views of the city (if you could be bothered to find a rooftop), or anything else that struck your fancy

what you were not expecting, was a world-famous boyband filming some kind of variety show on your local high street

what you certainly did not expect at all, was to suddenly find yourself staring at the cutest boy you had ever seen in your life

there were seven or eight people with cameras already at the scene, furiously clicking away. you sidled up to the closet person you could find, and half-whispered to her, scared of disturbing the lighting speed of her shutter closing, to ask if she knew what the boy with the ash brown hair was called

you were told his name was chenle, & without having to think, you lifted the viewfinder to your eye, and snapped your first photo of him. you still have it today, it’s the first thing that pops up when someone searches your blog, a candid of him laughing at something jisung had said.

every time you look at it, you get this little fuzzy feeling in your stomach, reminded of the very first day that he had caught your eye, by doing something as simple and normal as laughing at a joke

since then, there was no looking back. you steadily made a name for yourself as a chenle fansite, with your amazing photography skills

and sure, your action shots of him dancing were ethereal, and your lack of whitewashing gained you popularity from a lot of fans, but your specialty, the reason everyone flocked to your blog directly after every awards show, was because of your candids of chenle

somehow, you had a knack for knowing exactly when to capture a giggle, pout or shocked reaction to one of the dreamies antics, managing to encapsulate chenille’s bubbly personality within a single frame

people who had met nct dream started referring your photos to international fans, claiming that your photos were the closest thing one could get to actually seeing what chenle was like irl

but even that wasn't the full reason that you became to famous and loved by nctzens

seriously, when the regular/irregular album came out, your inbox was fukk of messages from nctzens begging you to break into sm and reshoot the whole photobook

however, even though you loved taking photos of chenle, the problem was that you were basically his age

you were still in high school, living with your parents, and essentially under their control

having to originally been monitored by your mother every time you went to any kind of nct dream event, you quickly made friends with the other fansites, so that you wouldn’t have to  chaperoned, but instead was supervised by people you trusted, who were responsible adults

however, this didn't stop the older photographers from always teasing you, when you had to leave an awards show at 10pm with the rest of the underage members, were slightly late to an interview, because you had to rush from school, or even from time to time when you whipped out your laptop at a schedule, balancing it precariously on your raised knee whilst waiting for chenle, needing to submit an assignment to your teacher within the half hour

it quickly became a joke within the nctzens, the tiny, underage chenle fansite, who everyone loved to baby, with more talent than half of the adult photographers

what's more, you work didn't go under appreciated by the dreamies themselves

((((not to brag or anything,,,, but like,, you had the highest percentage of photos with chenle directly smiling at your lens than pretty much any other fansite))))

he knew that you were the same age as him, and mentioned it from the first fansite you went to. he told you to drop any formalities since you were “friends now,” and always teased you whenever he saw you

one of the ways that chenle would do this, was by always making a silly face before posing properly, sticking out his tongue, crossing his eyes, or doing some other dumb facial expression

he did it to tease you, trying to ruin your photos, as he had always asked why you couldn’t eve seem to take a bad photo of him

of course you had replied that it wasn't your skills that made the photos so pretty, it was him (with an extremely red face lmaoo), & so chenle tried to take that as a challenge

whenever he was sure no one else was looking, he would pull the most horrible faces for you to take photos of, trying to sabotage your photography

and of course you whined to yourself that he still managed to look incredibly endearing even with cross-eyes and some drool dripping off his chin

and you were sure other nctzens would die as much as you did with how sweet he looked in the photos - after all, the candid shots were completely on-brand for you

but somehow you could never bring yourself to upload the photos online, deciding there was something that would make your heart hurt a little bit at allowing other people to see those photos

even though you knew better,,,,, you wanted to pretend his expressions were just for you

of course you had a crush on chenle, it was hard to follow around such an effervescent & cheeky boy for so long without developing at least some kind of feelings for him

& though you felt your heart flip a little every time he complimented your photos, or told you that you looked nice that day,,,

you also weren't delusional. you knew that you didn't have a chance, you were literally just a fansite, & it was chenle’s job to be nice to you

because you were so conscious of coming off as creepy with your pretty obvious crush, you always made sure to completely respect his boundaries

you prided yourself on turning off your flash if you thought the dreamies looked tired, and when you started making enough money from your photos to follow them to different countries, you made sure to take different flights and stay at other hotels, if their details ever got leaked, not wanting to feel like you were stalking them

instead of ever acting on your emotions, you stayed content with the stupid faces he made you, convincing yourself they were just for you, and tried to shove your feelings deep, deep down

& for a while,,,, it worked. you & chenle stayed,, not friends but,, something closer than just a casual fan

he knew your name, he would always wave in your direction when he recognised you, and you would always hide your furious blush behind the camera lens when he sent you the occasional wink or finger heart

& that was enough for you,, until unfortunately, life started getting in the way

college was drawing closer and closer, & you had to start scrambling to put together a portfolio of your photography to apply to schools with

you realised you probably needed some more extracurriculars, so signed up for a copious amount of clubs, started volunteering for extra credit, actually studying for tests, and even hanging out a lot more with your friends, having realised with a shock, that you had limited time left to share with them before you all went to different schools

with all that going on, you barely had time to scroll through your social media accounts when you finally got to bed,

you spent the half an hour before your eyes drooped so low you were forced to turn your phone off scouring furiously through the photos other fansites had taken of chenle, scouring for any photos of the weird faces he made, if he had started doing them for someone else now that you had been away for a while

searching for a sign they weren’t just for you, and you had been delusional for hoping against hope this whole time

funnily enough, you actually ended up receiving the exact opposite of what you feared

upon opening your twitter one night, you discovered you had a lot more mentions than usual, all tagging you in one video

clicking on it, your stomach dropped slightly. it was taken at an award ceremony, previously your favourite time of the year, because it meant you got to see chenle almost every day. now you just felt a pang in your stomach - you couldn’t see chenle at all at the moment

it was a video of him turning to converse during an ad break with a jaemin fansite, one who had taken care of you a lot when you had first started to take photos

he mouthed the name of your fansite, raising his hands in a quizzical manner. you almost dropped your phone. upon calming yourself, and reasoning that of course he knew the name of your fansite, he spoke about it with you all the time, you resumed the video

when she didn’t understand what chenle was trying to communicate to her, he said you name (your felt your heart do a triple flip where is was beating sporadically in your throat), and asked where you had went

she replied “college applications!” and he pouted, suddenly blinded by flash as the fansites around him tried to capture the moment

“tell her to come back soon!” he said, and turned back around

you rewatched the video at least 20 more times to prove to yourself that it wasn’t fake

this sudden recognition and blatant affection that you were shown, was pretty much unheard of, and not only did you know that, but the whole of twitter knew it too

before you could even like the video, your whole account was filled with  messages from delusional stans either convinced you were dating and sending well-wishes, or threats to stay away from chenle indefinitely from slightly less sympathetic fans.

to be honest, you didn't know which reaction was worse

after all, though it was certainly blush-inducing, it wasn't anywhere close to a love confession, wasn't everyone overreacting slightly?

you sighed, turning off your phone. right now was an important time of your life. though there was still a significant amount of people telling other to back off, and simply being happy you had received such high praise from chenle, the last thing that you needed was your phone pinging all day with messages from everyone else, demanding some sort of explanation about the video from you, when you knew the exact same amount of information that they did.

the next day, you texted the jaemin fansite to tell her you'd be staying off of social media for a while. you deleted all your apps. you had decided to ride out this ‘scandal’ until you were at least done with your application, and you had to admit, not having the pressure of everyone scrutinising your every move was quite liberating

though the rest of the year was actually a lot of fun, and you ended up spending a lot more time pursuing things you didn't have time to previously, and spending time with friends,,,,

there was always that small ache you felt whoever your friend texted you saying chenle had asked about you again, or seeing a billboard of his face in the city, hearing an nct song playing in a café, reminding you of the lifestyle that had consumed you just months previously,,, that you missed more than anything,,,,,,, the boy you couldn’t stop thinking about,,

you tried to push the feeling down, reasoning that there was no way chenle was as bothered as you were about the separation, & carried on with your life, no matter how awful you felt at times

of course, the school year did have to end at some point, though. after what felt like years, your college decisions came back!!! you were so glad that your hard work had paid off!!!! (of course you got in to your dream school what kind of au would this be if u didn’t lol)

your friends wanted to take you out to celebrate, but you declined politely, knowing exactly where you were going

nct dream had just had a comeback, and your jaemin fansite friend had won you an extra ticket to their fansign “just in case,” since she know you were about to finish your schoolwork

you missed chenle too much to stay away from him much longer, no matter how stupid you knew your feelings were

let me tell you,,,,, the moment you walked into the hall, the tension in the fansign literally hit the roof

you practically ran into your seat, ducking behind your camera lens, trying to capture chenle without actually having to make eye contact with him

everyone was whispering about your sudden return after months of silence on social media,, you caught some people trying to take photos of you sneakily

the dreamies noticed your presence too, of course

haechan caught sight of you first, and nudged chenle, who was standing next to him, pointing him in your direction

the whole room literally squealed at the way chenles entire face lit up at the familiar sight of your camera

& you,,, well you were just glad your face was covered because hOly hECk you were blushing,,, you tried to keep your face hidden, until you had to go up to get him to sign your album

when you left your seat, the whole room collectively held their breath, like im not even kidding, there had been so much speculation over whether or not you had left the fandom over the controversy, so your sudden unexpected return to the fansign was a huge

now of course chenle was the last in the line, so you had to deal with the rest of the dreamies teasing beforehand, while they signed your album. though you were friendly with them, and they knew your name of course,

however whoever you had talked it had always been sweet and innocent,, they had never made you so,,,,,, uncomfortable before

even jeno, the shyest of the lot gave you a knowing smirk when he said “welcome back!”

jisung told you he couldn’t draw a heart, otherwise chenle might get jealous, and mark just gave you a cryptic look.

“chenle’s been pretty worried about you.... don't break his heart.”

you kind of just laughed awkwardly, and moved down the queue to jaemin. there was no way that he was being serious. nct dream were acting weird around you

you tried to quell the nerves in your stomach when you finally faced chenle

“hi!” you managed

“i missed you!!!! don’t ever leave me for so long again!” chenle pouted, skipping the formalities of small talk. you tried not to giggle like a twelve-year-old

“i'm sorry, chenle, i had college-”

“applications!” he finished “how did they go? have you heard? did you get in? you wanted to go to the arts one in daegu, right?”

you blinked, surprised he remembered such a small detail about your life. you could barely remember telling him about it. “um, ye-yeah! i did!”

“woooaaah!” he cheered loudly, “i always knew you were smart!!” taking your hand in his, he waved them together in the air. you could hear gasps and clicks behind you

“this is gonna be all over twitter tomorrow, you know, chenle.” you blushed, gently trying to extract your hand in order to make sure he was comfortable

chenle simply tightened his grip on your intertwined fingers, pulling them closer to his face, as he leaned his head against them. “they seem to like us together, don't they?” he agreed. you let out a little gasp in spite of yourself, cheeks extremely flushed.

“i don't mind...” he continued, “unless you do?”

you shook your head slightly, not trusting yourself to speak. chenle had always been flirty with you, the same way he was flirty with all the other fans he met, but this behaviour was a huge step up from what you had experienced beforehand. your brain started working overtime, putting pieces together at 100 miles an hour

the weird faces, the asking about you, the trivial facts he remembered,, was is possible,,, chenle also-

“miss? your time is up” a manager started trying to hurry you along, as there were already two or three people queuing behind you. “wait!” chenle said, finishing his signature in your album, scribbling furiously

he then looked up at you, offering the pinky finger of his free hand up with a solemn expression

“promise you won't run away again?”

you joined your fingers with his, unable to do anything but nod at his forward behaviour

“you gotta promise!!”

“i promise!” you half whispered

chenle pressed a small, chaste kiss on your fingers

it was so fast that it could've been mistaken for him simply waving your hands together

however you and chenle, with matching blushing faces knew exactly what the gesture had meant

the rest of the afternoon, you tried to ignore how the butterflies in your stomach had suddenly morphed into huge stallions, kicking up all of your emotions all over the place

it certainly didn’t help that he kept looking over at you. winks, hearts, kisses, pouts were all thrown your way

and of course, from time to time, he would go to your side of the auditorium, lean close into your huge camera lens, and make a horribly ugly face

every time he did, you found your heart swelling just a little more, because you knew, you knew

that those faces had always been for you

& when you got home, and read the message chenle had left in your album, a small paragraph simply stating he thought you were “seriously, like ridiculously beautiful,” you knew that he hadn’t written a series of digits underneath his signature for anyone else

you finally understood, that everything had always been just for you

#chenle #zhong chenle #nct dream #nct chenle #nct dream chenle #nct fluff #nct dream fluff #chenle fluff #chenle au #nct dream au #chenle fic #chenle imagine #nct fic #nct imagine #nct dream fic #nct dream imagine #nct dream scenario #writings

[wetookanoath]

personal struggles, the fate of this and other blogs and apologies.

This year so far has been strange and not good for me and this blog. Some of you know my long history with hate in this fandom and while it’s always nice to hear your kind words, the hate I get is every day worse to the point I had to take off the anonymous option on this blog, my personal, the Library, the writing events and even the damn porn blog.

A few months ago I said I was gonna delete all blogs, and as promised I also deleted my twitter account, passed the instagram account to someone else (who hasn’t done anything with it yet), deleted other b*zzf*ed related blogs I ran, and left others I helped in.

I answered to every and all asks on this blog and the porn blog (most asks now on queue or drafts, waiting to be posted slowly to not spam), finished the event that didn’t went as good as it seemed and passed the administration of the Library to my personal account to never left it die down.

During this time, something happened in my personal life and I found myself in a very dark place I never thought I would go back to after it happened to me many years ago. But it did, and I had to dealt with it all over again, but this time there was a difference, this time I knew were to start and it helped me because I was able to ask for what I needed and get help.

I’m on meds again. I’m not proud of it and it... makes me angry that I’m ashamed to admit it. I’m making less money, lost a person, stopped writing, entered a rehab therapy for two weeks for depression (I didn’t tell anyone but my family, which won me a very long fight with my best friend and two of my best friends online), ended in the hospital last month. 

That long period I spent away from this blog, forgetting to answer replies I got e-mails for and the days of check-in and whatnot for the Exchange, god they were so good even with all that mess going on. I watched and read so many things, even if suffered not writing and other physical things. But I felt good, I really did. Which I think it’s why I was happy to get back here, just to find hate on my inbox yet again (from the same person as always, by the way. This woman really is the saddest person on the planet. Yes, it’s about you. I know you are reading this), and I really thought “why do I keep doing this to myself?”

And then weeks ago I finally realized why. And it’s because I like this show so much. I like the pictures and the stories, the chat group I’m in even if sometimes I feel like they don’t like me, and most important, in spite of all the hate we get here, I love the stories I write for this fandom, and my ship. I’ve never wrote this good, gotten the chance to improve and learn better english too.

I love the writer I am in this fandom and I have wrote so much these past few weeks, and all because I started to write shy*n again. 

So what do I do?

There are days when I forget this blog exists. It’s been so boring, this hiatus and how things have changed, the lack of content makes things dry and easier to forget. I just forget it exists, but then when I get in, it’s fun when there’s no hate. I find it entertaining to go into my blogs and tag everything properly, organize tag pages and make lists of films based on things, make edits, answer old asks I didn’t have time for before.

Since now that anonymous is off I don’t get any asks, I had have the chance to answer in depth so many things I had left behind before, it’s been fun. Like it used to be, January-July of 2018 came again to remind me of how things were before The Change. I enjoyed preparing this blog for my deperture, and I found myself not wanting to go.

My first thought after that revelation? “People is going to hate on me on anonymous for changing my mind”. Isn’t that fucking sad? That I have to condition everything I do so people won’t hate me on anonymous and say horrible things just because I complain bout things, then calm down and change my mind like any other normal person does on a daily basic... on my own, personal blog? 

So, so far, this is what will happen:

The blog reminds, since it’s also kind of an archive for this fandom with how much has been posted that I know it’s resourceful to people for all kinds of things.

Anonymous will perpeturally be off in all my blogs. The Library’s inbox will remain closed.

I’m still going to take my long periods of ignoring this blog, so I’m sorry if you sent me any qs and I don’t answer right away.

It will be on perpetual semi-hiatus, since I will come back once a week to answer things, tag stuff, stock the Library’s queue and the one on this blog.

About the updates, I’m just going to post things I would like to archive myself.

New fanfics/chapters of fics coming every Saturday until I’m done posting everything I wrote these weeks. I’m still writing, so I guess my day of the week to check replies, messages and asks will be on Saturday.

I don’t think I will be around for the new season, not the way I used to. I’m so gonna watch it, but no posts from me anymore. This is a big maybe, since I’m not sure of many things right now, especially with my health as fragile as it is right at the moment.

There’s, so far, 131 original posts on queue. These are: lists that were requested on this blog on such things like all episode Shane called Ryan ‘baby’, personal favorite shyan moments with links (I worked so much in this one, I ended up hating it), etc., edits from many things, included shoots found in old articles and so on, the ongoing ‘fave insta pics’ series of Ryan, Shane, TJ, Sara, Kelsey and the boys in other people’s instagrams, more favorite fanfic edits, and more buzzships edits. Also, a few headcanons, rec lists and solo recs.

Queue will post three posts a day, one original text, one reblog, one original edit. Texts are less than the edits, so when they are over, it will be two edits and one reblog. I will be stocking the queue during my weekly visit, so I don’t know if it will eventually run off original posts or not. 

Library reminds what it is, inbox closed until further notice.

Writing Events is over, though. I’m too tired for that. At least for a long break.

This really all depends on my health and how things are once the show is back. I miss the interaction a lot, so having lost the anonymous option it’s really a big bummer for me, and maybe to the people who did like to interact with me and the blog’s content in a positive way via this option. We’ll see.

And finally, I want to apologize not only for the long of this but for my negative reactions months ago. It was wrong, childish at times and out of character. I didn’t realize I was getting bad, and when I did it had already gotten worse. I can now look at all those desperate posts and see how bad I really was at keeping it together and how desperate I was to be okay. 

While I still believe I didn’t deserve the harassment I was getting, I should had never given onto it and answer back. I shouldn’t. It was not only bad for me, but to the people who followed/follows this blog and engaged into the negativity too. 

I caused that by acting exactly how the hateful people wanted me to, and instead of showing myself as the imperfect human being I am, all people saw was a crying girl asking to be appreciated and loved back. And the reality is that forcing those things to happen won’t make it any better, on the contrary, it makes it worse.

All those times I said, “why does people have to insult me for you to care about me?”, it was because I made it happen. I decided to posts those answers and reply to the hate, and it made people, worried by my answers and the tone of them (yeah, I was pretty suicidal and paranoid, I didn’t realize until recently), send their support. It made it look like that was the case, that I needed to be hurt for people to appreciate me.

But now, I don’t post those things. Had to shut down anonymous asks. And last week I got one ask, just one, of someone saying they love this blog. There was no reason for it, just someone who saw me online and send in their positivity. And it was the best thing in the world, those short words, the best ones.

So yes. My sincere and deepest apologies to everyone, involved or not, for having acted, well, toxic in the past months. Hopefully, it won’t happen again. Meds, no anon and semi-hiatus will make a difference, I hope. And things will be fine.

Thanks for the support, the kindness and the love. And thanks for reading this bible.

Love you,

Nina.

#this is long but i hope you guys read it #specially the apology #your local nerd talking.txt #personal #blog updates

[baskervilleshund]

4,5 years of Gotham in my life♥

Wow my emotions these last days. I’m not much of a text poster on this site but when Gotham ended I really felt I wanted to write this!

Gotham has been a huge part of my life for so long now. 4 years and 7 months since the first episode aired, that’s some time gosh. And so much has happened during this journey! I just wanna mention some memorable things during these years. Like remember the pre-s02x09 excitement?? And other stuffs, ah here we go!

The first trailer made me SO EXCITE, I had wanted more batman villains content for years since I have always found the batman villains squad so interesting and good and unique characters, there is so much to explore here! And so the Gotham trailer came and I just OH MY GOD this is exactly what I want!! And so it started and it was amazing. My first love was Ed, it took him his first scene in ep1 to make me go totally THIS IS MY FAV! More eps went on and I required more Ed content. But then Oswald slowly grew on me kinda out of nowhere like I wasn’t expecting it. And when amazing ep7 aired it just hit down on me from the sky, like it does when I know I got a new obsession/fandom. Oswald’s amazing scenes in ep7 and I went ”Okay this is it, I’M DEEP INTO THIS NOW AND I LOVE IT!”. In exactly THIS↓ scene/moment I basically said those words out loud and realized this is my life now, ugh also one of my fav looks I miss the bangs:

Shortly after ep7 I started shipping Nygmobblepot, since we knew who these characters were and who they will end up being it made SO much sense in this show, they were like the two familiar main villains in kinda the same age and I also loved them both so I mean it was obvious for me. Man in the beginning we were so very few in the shipping Nygmob pond, in the OCEAN of Gobblepot. It was a bit of a struggle sometimes, ppl wrote hate on my Nygmob posts n stuff shrug. And I just didn’t get how not more ppl could see it? It would make more sense if this were new characters like they hadn’t even met but since we knew this is Riddler and Penguin it just was fate for them to cross paths soon enough! We needed Nygmob content! I started making tons of my own AU:s since if the show wouldn’t give us content I would do it.

BUT we had Robin & Cory with us! Reminder that Cory invented the shipname after 5 minutes and Robin & Cory’s amazing twitter activity during s1 especially I will always remember as a fav. Remember when they we’re so into roleplaying Nygmob and spoke how Ed & Os loved each other and all sorts of things. All about going to The Foxglove together and stuff. Ugh it was amazing, I miss their interactions.  

In this very smol pond is when one day my shining star @conscience-killer (aka okimi79)  approached me, with this ♥ ”Sometimes I feel we’re the only Nygmobblepot shippers in the world…well apart from Robin and Cory. We should have a secret handshake or something.”

And man did we get a secret handshake! Gosh MY DEAR OKIMI! That I up til this day since then has spoken with like everyday for 4,5 years, you are amazing ♥ And in that time of so few shippers it felt even more special, to have  someone else out there as obsessed as me. I’m so grateful we found each other at exactly that time and we’ve been through so much on this journey ♥.

When Nygmob in spring finally had their first scene it was so amazing and I have no idea how many times I have watched that scene to this day, and also with that the ship grew a bit yas!!

Let’s jump forward a bit. NYC Comic Con 2015 in fall, one of my fav Robin & Cory cons/interview times! Because the legendary ep 2x9 was soon upon us and OMG remember how excite they were in those interviews!?! And THEN, that fkn night THE episode aired. I couldn’t believe it was real, it was EVERYTHING we had dreamed of!!! SO MUCH NYGMOB CONTENT and so in character and gosh. Man their season 2 relationship is just so beautiful and I love it til this day and 2x9 is forever my favorite episode because it meant EVERYTHING for us shippers and more people also started seeing the connection between Nygmob and so more ppl started to make content and join in!

A time after another shining star came into my life, @constant-sinner (aka (riddlelvr) ♥ This amazing person and artist! And together with her and okimi I am part of the best trash family of three and I can’t believe I’ve been a mom (yet i’m the youngest but i’m fashion fur coat mom okay) to these trash sinners for like 4 years. ♥

Okay but remember all INSANE SMAYLOR CONTENT BEFORE SEASON 3!!? Man that was also one of the best times I had during these years. God they were so excite for their relationship in s3 and WEREN’T WE ALL! And omg Comic Con. I had my fkn header for 3 years soon lol, man that moment I remember seeing the signing booth stream all casual and Robin & Cory goes “Smaaylor!! Nygmobblepot!!! ;))” And I’m just wait WHUT omg. Their press tours with Sean is something I’ll miss even more than the episodes, always such a joy seeing those three together!

And when season 3 started it was just insane. To be honest how their relationship grew in s3 that’s how I expected it to grow after their meeting in s1, it made sense already back then. Ed admiring Oswald and sneaking to his club and Oswald would be a huge part of Ed’s journey to become the Riddler but ah well, I did my best with my AU:s back then!

And then s3 came and Gotham EXPLODED and I had no idea where all million ppl suddenly came from lol. It became huge. But since it still feels kinda close to this day (2,5 yrs though man), my most nostalgic feels will always be over s1-2 so I’m not gonna write so much about the season 3-5 times in this text. My closest to heart milestones is during the first years and now that I’ve seen all episodes I still think season 1 is the best overall, except the lack of Nygmob content ofc ;)

I’ve not just felt love for the show ofc, the show isn’t perfect. There has been serious flaws and bad writing and plot drops. Tbh s4 I just felt so NOPE about? 22 eps of waste…Like Ed’s plot for example like he barley had his own plot what happened? And we also have the q*eerbait Nygmob issue obviously. I have also felt the show has been a bit childish being -helloo- GOTHAM city we’re talking about? I think it would have been much better off with a MA-rating tbh to properly tell certain stories. After s4 though I’m glad in s5 Nygmob finally got some proper screen time being together and in character!! Like that’s how their relationship should have been from beginning of season 4, or season 1 if u ask me lol but ya know!

BUT I LOVE THIS SHOW, the amazing actors and characters and scenery and costumes!! Ed, Oswald, Robin & Cory will ofc always have the most special place in my heart ♥ The Nygmob journey in the show has meant so much to me to follow it from day one and I never knew how much this show would mean to me when I started back in the day.

This show. And not just the show itself but my journey and life around it!!? So much has happened. For one example I had made a bit of gifs before but Gotham really got me into gif making, and it’s been a joy sharing content and my Nygmob AU will always be among my most fun things I’ve done, it was like if they ain’t gonna give us enough content I WILL. It’s a fun way of gif making to manip scenes to create something new! And today I still enjoy making gifs, as you probably know heh. Thanks so much for all nice comments and reblogs through all these years ya’ll!! It warms my heart and I love to read reblog tags! 

I have been at con and got to meet Robin, enjoyed so many interviews and promos, chatted with wonderful people. Every Friday night I have been up in my Europe timezone at 2am to live watch the show, the workdays after has been a bit of a struggle of being tired with going to bed like 5am lol but man it’s been so nice to follow it when it airs!

Watching together with my dearest @conscience-killer and @constant-sinner . Two of the best that happened to me during these years. These two people that I’ve spoken with like everyday for 4 years! Through Gotham finding two of my dearest friends in my life. Watching the show together and screaming, crying, laughing during this journey, about not just the show but EVERYTHING in life. They also are amazing writers and artists ♥ And also helped me endless times with gif caption when my non-native brain trying to write gif captions at 3am after the episode lol. All my love to you both ♥

THANKS TO ALL AMAZING PEOPLE that impacted me over these years. The cast and nice fandom people! My dearest @conscience-killer and @constant-sinner. And I also wanna mention dear @millicentcordelia and @selene-volturo that are amazing ppl that have been here with me since the very beginning of season 1. And they have always been so down to earth even during the stormiest periods of this show’s existence ♥ I’m so glad we’ve shared this LONG journey!

And also hugs to my dear mutual fandom friends that I’ve shared hours of conversations with over the years. Some of us maybe don’t speak as much nowadays and some of us have gone separate ways with new interests but I hope you know who you all are, regardless if we spoke yesterday or 2015. You have made my fandom time a joy!

I’m actually okay with the show ending now you know. Ofc it’s a bit sad but as I said I felt s4 was kinda stomping around in the same spot and even s5 had some fillers like they didn’t have more to do to push the story forward? The last ep was a nice easter egg wrap up for this LONG journey. And I mean shows live on with fan content, and who knows maybe it will return somehow? But it feels good they told us it would end so I was prepared for this and to say ”goodbye”. But it’s not goodbye because content will continue on this site and I’ll continue re-enjoy this show!

This is 4,5 years. In 2 pages, I could prob write 20 but ah, but i felt I got to to summary the most important things for me over these years ♥. This show and stuff that came with it will always be such a big part of my life, ALL LOVE AND HUGS!

#my text #gotham #nygmobblepot #HUGS AND LOVE!! #ugh gosh my feels #so much has happened and i'm so grateful for all positive things that I've been a part of <333

[mikazukikannagisjourney]

Spiritual Log August 26 2019

DISCLAIMER: Please seek help from professionals when dealing with ANY kind of disorder, physical or mental. I just happened to choose not to and I am not blaming any entity or anyone for the results of that choice as well as my current situation. You can take my own personal experiences here as SPIRITUAL ADVICE and I am more than happy to assist, but if symptoms persist, please consult medical professionals. My info here is not liable in any way if any kind of physical or mental harm happens to the end user. Thank you for understanding.

*Before I start this entry, let us all collectively focus our high-vibrational intentions to the healing and recovery of the Amazon rainforest. Feel free to channel energy towards healing not just the Amazonas but also the mass consciousness expressing the disturbance in this world. Thank you.*

I was gonna log so much stuff but for some reason, I got into a depression *a very dangerous one* since the start of this month, and instead of spreading my low vibes I just chose not to blog about it and just transmute. It was a very disturbing time because no matter how much I cleared my energy fields, my subconscious, cords and attachments, anything I thought of clearing, the depression just persisted. I wasn't on meds and I don't have a shrink but so far, I have been managing it OK. Even more so once I have come to terms with the fact that my depression stems from the Spiritual Awakening process, and that I just have to face my demons and learn how to reintegrate my shadow aspects back into my self, along with a lot of other healing methods. But this time around, it felt so scary. The need to kill myself just grew stronger everyday. It was so dark that I was doubting if it was even mine. 100% gloom and doom there. But then last week Wednesday I just found out that the Amazon rainforest has been suffering from wildfires for 3 weeks already. AND I WASN'T EVEN INFORMED. Not here on tumblr nor twitter or even Youtube. Not on the telly. Nada. And that was very disappointing, I have never felt so much lack of care or disappointment since the day when the presidential candidate I voted (RIP MDS) lost and was almost at the last part of the race. And it was very disturbing that nobody gave a crap in the planet's lungs. No wonder so many people, apart from myself who got so depressed this month. They probably don't know why, and probably won't know why until they started opening their eyes to the truth. Especially geomantic empaths *cough, like me, cough* 😆 I mean, a large portion of the earth was in pain, in suffering, and go barely any attention, so she just directly contacted empaths everywhere. And that's where the stuff about empaths start to get tricky. Because despite numerous posts, the info are mostly too-general to be digested, and cannot give answers to those who have more needs than others.

I have been on this conscious awakening process for 3 years now, and I haven't gotten the hang of being an empath. Mainly because most of the stuff I read or watch have no specifics on how or why empaths are able to feel the energies and emotions of others, as well as being unable to distinguish if these emotions and thoughts are their own. For once and for all, I will give my 2 cents on this topic because I personally had some disturbing yet enlightening experiences on what empaths experience and why some of them are just so full of angst. Also because this might help at least someone out there and help them be at ease.

WHY EMPATHS INTERNALIZE AND EXPERIENCE THE EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS OF OTHERS

To find out what needs to be healed in an unwell person - e.g. You suddenly felt heartbroken and sad, and flashes of your past breakups kept rushing into your head. You thought you were over them all already, and you were, because they were years ago. But then suddenly everything comes back to you. The pain, the trauma, the endless nights of rollercoastering between paranoia on why you were dumped and hope that your dumper will evetually come around. Turns out one of your friends/mates was unceremoniously dumped and has been suffering in silence for the past week.

To fine-tune the healing process for each person to be healed - e.g. using different strategies of healing two friends who were both fatigued, but one is emotionally-drained due to being friends with a toxic colleague and the other one has been overly anxious over the resuls of their DNA test because it will determine their fate (relax it's just a scenario, that can happen.lol)

HOW EMPATHS INTERNALIZE AND EXPERIENCE THE EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS OF OTHERS

Basically, all of your inner demons will come back to haunt you, with gusto and fervor. All vibrations, low or high, will be at their extreme levels. Things you thought were already cleared will rush back with even greater intensity and pain. And you can't help wondering why or if these are even your own. (Hint: 90% probably not yours)

E.g. In the 1st 2 weeks of August, all of my memories of being sexually-harrassed while I was drunk and broken-hearted kept rushing back to me. Randomly. No warning whatsoever. My hate was filled to the brim. I easily got mad, and upset, and I could've cried at a drop of a hat. Everything made no sense to me, I just finished my full-moon clearing and everything felt even more horrible. I felt trapped, hopeless, in extreme despair, and very much suicidal. Fast forward to 2 nights ago when I hit up an old friend and had some catch-up, turns out this person had been dealing with workplace issues as well as harrassment by an older person for the same time period that I had been experiencing shit. So yeah, turns out it wasn't really mine, but to be able to relate to this friend, I had to relive my own experiences so I can enter the friend's energy field. Because I had a similar experience with my friend's. Similar experiences create resonance with empaths so they can detect emotions, feelings, or thoughts by others, especially their loved ones. I just decided to heal us both before I ended the call, to clear our energy fields. It turned out to be a very enlightening experience for us both. *Fun fact: Empaths can bunch together, get individually attached to narcs, or both. It sucks*

WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO CLEAR ENERGY FIELDS AFTER EVERY INTERACTION

See above. Because if not cleared, the inner demons will just keep popping up. Like having light on a mirror. No matter what happens, as long as there is light, things will always get reflected on mirrors. Also, a clearer energy field means less resonance with others having a bad day. Besides, it's easier to detect happy energies that way.

HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS ANNOYING SITUATION - STEP BY STEP

If a negative emotion is felt:

Step 1 - Ask this emotion if it is yours. If yes, go to step 5. If no, proceed to next step.

Step 2 - Send this emotion back to where it came from, or send it directly to Source. Tell it to leave you because it has no business with you, as it is not yours. Bring in your full intent of sending this emotion away. With love.

Step 3 - Ground and check to see if your emotions calmed down or disappeared. If yes, go to next step. If no, repeat 1st step.

Step 4 - Relax, drink some water, and pat yourself in the back. Then make a high-vibrational shield around you to keep other people's emotions out. *Some make mirrors, some make golden egg-shaped ones, some use invisibility cloaks, some use white light. For me, I encase myself in a lovely nata de coco sphere. Low vibes stay out, light goes in, plus it's delicious. Yes my energy shield is food, lol it works for me so why not.* The End.

Step 5 - Meditate on why this emotion is appearing to you now. Ask what needs to be healed so it can be released. You can also do emotion code in this step. Crying or emotional release is definitely recommended.

Step 6 - Once the reason/s was/were identified, go to Step 2.

Repeat entire process as needed.

If a positive emotion is felt:

JUST ENJOY THE WHOLE RIDE, DUH. 😆 At least take advantage of being an empath by enjoying and dwelling in other people's happiness too. It also amplifies the energies and helps raise the earth's vibrations.

Well, I hope this journal entry helps you, especially during these chaotic times. Thank you very much, and may you find the healing you seek. Love and hugs from Source above. ♡

Mikazuki

三日月

#thought log on spirituality #about being an empath #empath #empath experiences #it's not what you think #how empaths experience the emotions of others #my own experiences #also it sorta sucks #empaths #being an empath #the empath life #why empaths need to clear their energies #why we all have to do energy clearings everyday #empaths and energy clearings #how to manage being an empath

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

Shake It Off: Love and thanks to the cast of SAA 2019

Hello friends, I've just returned from a week in Washington DC where I spent a few days at the Folger Shakespeare Library followed by a few days at my all-time favorite conference, the annual meeting of the Shakespeare Association of America. I would say that it's like Comic Con for Shakespeareans but there's a lot less cosplay (no, we're not a Ren Faire) and a lot more intellectually crunchy panels featuring the newest scholarship by brilliant scholars in the field. Some people in my position would, I'm sure, not be so invested in attending an academic conference that they spent the night before their first chemo treatment completing the paper in time for the participation deadline (perhaps the most on-brand thing I have ever done). They're occasions that we often grouse about, after all: the timing is bad; the flights and hotels are expensive; the schedule is too packed; the program doesn't have what we want on it; we have to grade/prepare lessons/do admin work when we get home. Admittedly, this is a more fun conference than many and I see a lot less general grumpiness about it than some I could name (*cough* MLA *cough*). It does share a little bit of the carnival atmosphere of Comic Con, culminating in a dance on the last night that could feel hokey (and does to some people...the conference is divided pretty sharply between dance-attenders and dance non-attenders) but which gives me the kind of warm feelings of kinship that you get from dancing at a wedding. Like: ah, nerdy as they are, this is my family.

[Below the cut: thoughts and thanks to the members of my profession.]

Perhaps this trip was kind of a weird thing for someone with Stage 4 cancer to be doing. I have, potentially, precious little time in this world (even in the best case scenario it's far less time than I'd anticipated) so why spend so much of it on work? The simple answer is that, with less time, it has become all the more important to spend it doing the things that make me feel the most like myself. And that means a trip to a rare books library where I can spend 8 hours a day combing through 400-year-old plays in search of annotations. It means doing a survey cross-indexing my list of plays against the library catalog while listening to all the Girl Talk albums in succession. It means the giddy satisfaction of closing out the library and going to happy hour with my fellow researchers. It means 10-hour conference days where I work hard and play hard and take copious notes in appreciation of my friends' and colleagues' fantastic minds (and maybe sneak a nap in my hotel room during the late-afternoon slump). And it means closing out the weekend with a community that has stepped up in incredible support of me in the time since I've made my diagnosis public in a way I did not expect and am profoundly grateful for - a fact which is the point of this post. I found myself in the hotel bar somewhere in the neighborhood of 2am on Sunday morning, quite literally weak in the knees from so much dancing, guzzling water and keeping company with colleagues who I've come to call friends as we all, exhaustedly, said repeatedly "we should go to bed" and subsequently did not. There was a real last-day-of-camp vibe that infused the whole thing with preemptive nostalgia for the time--so soon!--when we would not be together in the same place. This is the thing about assembling in person only for a few days every year. There is never enough time to catch up one-on-one (or even many-on-many) among the events of the days. It's both the best and worst part of attending a conference where your colleagues are also friends. You're left wanting more time, more conversation, more connection. Many conversations and much of the friendship continues over various forms of social media, which I have a very deep attachment to and which has helped me make it through these years of instability and separation from people I care about. Some people regard social media or blogs (like this one) as a stand-in or poor substitute for the intimacy of real-world friendships. But for someone like me who became a teenager at the same time instant messaging apps came into existence (shoutout to AIM!) and who has had the repeated experience of developing a friendship or a friend group only to have to bid farewell to its members they are a godsend. They are a conduit for intimacy, fostering it but not replacing it. At this conference I had the unusual and somewhat surreal experience of having people--some of whom I knew well, some of whom only in passing or from Twitter, some not at all--reach out and thank me for writing and sharing so much of myself. Some of them had been through something similar, either on their own or with a loved one. Others hadn't but wanted me to know that my experience had affected them and that they were on my side, hoping along with me for things to get better. I was moved almost to tears several times because, in that way that happens when you write and then post into the void, I wasn't sure anyone was listening. But they were and responded with manifold kindness. It seemed somehow symbolic of my experience with the academic profession overall. It can seem cold and empty, as we are all separated by space and time (especially the lack of it). And when we speak into it not as a professional academic but as a person the likelihood of getting any response, let alone a positive one, seems so slim. That is, I think, why revealing so much of myself on here seemed somewhat risky to me and would to many people. We cultivate very carefully our professional selves, even in casual interactions, because the line between the personal and the professional is so blurry in academia. Often we use this fact to impute great skepticism to our readers (our colleagues); better not to show any vulnerability in case someone, some day, may want to hire you and who would want to hire a vulnerable human being? But in this case I've seen the other side of that grey area. I found a wealth of empathy where I did not expect it. And that as much as anything has made me want to keep working, to keep writing, to stay in this academic community. Your continued and continual support has really sustained me. I do recognize, however, that one reason I'm able to share all this is that I have a secure job. I think I would still be posting about my experience in any case simply because it isn't in my nature not to share thoughts on the most important thing in my life. But I also know that it's my privilege to be able to do so, to even have the choice. And it is a choice that I have made in smaller ways in the past too. I still recall several years ago during one of my turns on the academic job market when I received an unsolicited email from someone I did not know (although we had a friend in common) informing me that my Twitter account was unprofessional and that I was likely writing myself out of a job. Of course, I cracked my knuckles and wrote a pointed reply about how I had quite literally written a dissertation on the concept of the public sphere and thought very carefully about what I wanted to put in public or not and, what's more, that it was only for me to decide and not for him to arbitrate. (For the record, I do not consider my account "unprofessional" since it is a purely personal account from which I sometimes tweet about work-related things. Also for the record, this person wrote back with an apology.) But that fear, stoked by incidents like that, would keep many junior people (or even senior people) from publicly showing their wounds--literal and figurative--in a situation like this. I am glad to be able to speak. I am more than glad that someone is listening. As I return home from the conference, prepared to resume chemo again on Thursday, I feel sadness and trepidation, sure, but I do also feel energized and supported, raised up by a larger community of far-flung friends, colleagues, acquaintances; people I've never met face-to-face and people who are an integral part of my daily life. Friends, academics, Shakespeareans, you are a wonderful bunch. Thank you for making this trip and this conference an occasion to recharge and return to fight another day.

#bex writes #my life as a cancer patient #bex travels #prof me #my face #how do I selfie?

[rkmiya]

five fo five

i debated on even doing this because i knew it wasn’t going to be a fully positive note but it’s my honest feelings and the point of the rkfifth post was to post how we feel about rookies. as someone who has been here since the moment it opened until now i have a lot of feelings. note: this is going to be all over the place and not cohesive at all because i intend to pour out my thoughts as they come with very minimal editing and my thoughts, unsurprisingly, aren’t always cohesive.

NOTE: skip to the bottom if you’re too lazy to read everything for a nice little present i did for everyone !!!! uwu

first and foremost i want to talk about what an amazing milestone it is for an rp to maintain this kind of longevity in which it’s been around for five consecutive years without hiatus, with three (mostly smooth) admin transitions and always maintaining at least 100 muses in the rp at any given moment. that’s freaking insane. especially because this is the era where most rps die after a month or two because people lose interest; it’s crazy that rookies has been around and probably will continue to be for some time. so i want to thank our current admin team for keeping the rp functioning. i know it’s a high maintenance rp and it’s a lot of upkeep so despite everything, i commend y’all for your efforts.

that being said, it is also my five year as a member! i’ve been here since the very beginning with rkmin (now rkmiya). she’s never been dropped and picked back up again (though we did go through a really rough patch of lack of muse). she has journeyed through this five years of rookies and it’s been insane. that’s the only way i can describe it and i’m still not sure if i mean insane in a good way or a bad (probably a nice mix that leans towards good? who knows). being a five year member comes with some feeling of accomplishment because wow yes i’ve survived five years. but at the same time it makes me a little sad. most of you who have me on twitter know why and if any of you who have read rkmiya’s threads also know that she is very tired of being a trainee. we’ve been in the rp for five years and she was a trainee at the one-month mark for rookies (meaning this january will be her 5th year as a trainee, as the rp is heading towards its sixth year running). keeping a five year trainee muse is exhausting. it’s especially worse when she still hasn’t debuted but i can’t force that on rkmiya. but a lot of her frustration is stemmed from the long period of time in which she’s stayed a trainee. five in-real-life years. seems like a long time, right? but that was one of the leading causes to her two year long muse drag. any of you who were around for the beginning-middle of rk know that i used to write a fuck ton for rkmiya. and i mean it. she’s accumulated over 100+ solos in like her first two years in rk, even before our current point system. if i calculated it now, she has 8 on her current blog (rkmiya) and 124 on her old blog (rkmin). that’s 132 solos over 5 years of rping with threads (mostly paras) in between. after about three years, i felt like i hit a dead end because i had given sunmi (back then, min) a lot of development. i felt like i was scrambling to do things with her and for a long time i had debated dropping her.

thankfully both rkmiya and i are stubborn bitches so i refuse to drop her until she’s debuted whether it’s with nova or another company.

i have been given the grace of having one muse on its way to being debut ready. (and guess what? rkmiya is still a bitter bitch about it). i’m really excited and really pumped. i will say in the recent months (after i changed fcs from miss a min to sunmi), i’ve kind of regained that initial spark i had with the rp. which is nice because it was hard forcing myself to do things for her muse when it just wasn’t there and i was more upset than not to be writing there. most of you would remember that as the era where i prioritised my second muse: rkahnso.

her url actually isn’t rkahnso but it’s just easier to write it as such. but she is ahn sohee and she’s been in the rp since…….2014? and her ride seemed to be a lot easier. in comparison, sohee was given the opportunity to grow as a muse prior to being signed. she handled about 3? rejections before being picked up by trc. it’s nice to be able to have that balance because i wasn’t able to do that with sunmi. chungha, when i finally picked her up, was meant to be a non-trainee for much longer than she was. she made it to a year before she was signed. i’m not sad about it but it’s perfectly fine.

rkchungha came after a few attempts at a third muse (i had jackson, kim minji ‘kimi’ of bulldok and nearly brought in rkmomo). her initial faceclaim was going to be jennie but because the face wasn’t available, she was made into chungha! she’s the most wild of the three which means she’s the easiest to plot with for me. her purpose as a muse was to give me that freedom of a rookie muse because i had spent so long with two trainee muses. to be perfectly honest, i completely blanked on the entire year i had rkchungha. like i didn’t even notice the year pass/don’t have any memory of most of the threads she did in her first year. it’s a weird thing to explain but i feel like i didn’t “zone back” into the reality of being her mun until like march. it was almost like i was rping her on autopilot because unlike my first two muses, i don’t remember much of her earlier days in the rp. but she has grown interestingly and continues to develop and grow. like rkahnso, she was meant to need interactions in order to develop.

(another quick fun fact, rkmiya/rkmin was a version of my kpopxmen muse who was also a min fc because the admins of kpxm were the ones that founded rookies. so i essentially just transferred the muse i had spent two years rping already lol)

as an rp, i think it’s great when it’s at its best. at its worst (for me), it felt like a chore and i felt burdened. i know things are optional and i do not have to do them but when you have determined muses, slacking off is actually more damaging than you realise -- and any of you guy can see that as rkmiya has suffered the most from my two-year-long-rut i was in for her muse before switching faceclaims. so even if things are “optional” i feel obligated to do them because i want my muses to be at top tier they have to be. which means (now) doing three sets of trainee replies and three sets of evals. and because rkahnso is in trc/g, that means i’m doing seven replies a week and three solos (sometimes more bc rkahnso needs more attention with her evaluations) which is fine. i like that there’s prompts to write about with evaluations. it’s just that it gets repetitive very easily and it straight up nearly completely killed rkmiya’s muse before i even switched faceclaims.

i really do love rookies but i was once at a point where i felt hopeless, i felt like my muses were going nowhere and it was so repetitive to do the same thing over and over it was getting exhausting to even open up tumblr. and let me tell you, keeping a muse for five years straight without dropping a single time is such a hard thing to maintain. so shout out to rkmiya for turning 5 years old along with rookies. that’s literally insane. and i cannot tell you how the hell i did it or explain what it was like to force myself to at least do one reply every week and not even fight for trainee points for months on end. but since about may, i’ve been clear out of the rut and i’ve doing the needed replies and chungha is almost done with stamina (at the time that i’m writing this). it’s a good feeling to get as low as i did and come out of the other side with consistent muse, the ability to have new story arcs for each muse and to be an active member of the rp yet again.

i also want to say that i’m really happy with where the rp has grown lore-wise. it’s a lot more in-depth and the decision to include seocho, while completely unrealistic in real-life, makes it a lot more easier in an rp setting! i’ll admit that there is a good blend of rp make-believe that’s added into the roleplay as well as realism (so that we know what to expect without things being too out of hand at the same time) and i’ve always loved that about rookies. and it’s only gotten better and more interactive with time.

ooc wise it’s been a rocky road. not even with me personally but in general. i’ve been here for five years and i’ve witnessed/heard of a lot of messy things. is any rp perfect though? of course not and rookies is no exception. though i will say that personally i feel like it’s an improvement from how it was before in previous years. it’s still not perfect and there are some things i would like to be fixed/dealt with but not one person can push a mountain, you know? besides, there are other things in rp to focus on. my advice is to drop the people who don’t make you happy. don’t even respond to them. remove yourself from them, let the admins know and surround yourself with people who make you happier. as someone who has been in a situation of a year long push-and-pull with someone that was mostly abusive, it’s better to stay very far away from them and ignore that they’re there than to keep trying to reconcile with them. rookies, if anything, has taught me to stand up for myself and not let people say what they want about me or others. i will always stand up for myself and i will always stand up for others when there’s something to be said.

i haven’t made many long-lasting super close friendships in rk. i say this because yes, i have friends/people i know in rk of course but they’re mostly face-value friendships. there are few that are consistent and beyond surface level.

i know i can write so much more about her and it will definitely get a lot gayer because hope has my whole heart on such a deep and honest level but everyone who has us on twitter sees that from time to time so i’ll spare you all. just know that when i say she’s absolutely my best friend, i mean that.

i will say that i am well aware that i’m intimidating to some of you. i am so sorry for that if i come off a certain way. i’m just very…..aggressive in personality. outspoken, i curse (a lot) and i caps as a way of communication (not because i’m yelling at you, i swear) and i say “bitch” as a term of endearment. i encourage everyone to at least approach me because i can assure you i am literally harmless and 90% of the people who met me and were intimidated by me at first now can’t even understand why they were intimidated in the first place. just saying!!!!

branching off from that, i know that because of my own introversion coupled with the aforementioned issue that i speak to very little people in this roleplay. i’m not overwhelmingly upbeat and i really hate group chats but i’m willing to be anyone’s friend. i do go through these periods where talking to certain people (usually new friends) is really overwhelming for me so i need space. and i’m sorry if i ever went from talking to you a lot to rarely if at all. it’s not because i like you any less! i just got overwhelmed and i’m terrible at upkeep. i rarely genuinely dislike anyone. in fact, it takes a lot for me to even outwardly express that i don’t like someone. so if you’re ever feeling like you’ve upset me to the point where i don’t want to be friends or wonder if i don’t like you, please know that you most likely didn't! and i’d love to talk to you any time.

anyways (good job ani for getting distracted from the main point) i wanted to talk more about the connections i’ve made here!

a lot of you know i came over from kpopxmen and from that, i know a lot of people for several years. those people include kyle, jess, d’mi (an ex-rookies member), jenn (ex-rookies), ema (ex-rookies), jaiden and julie (our og admins), adri, phil, razel, gim (ex-rookies) and so many more people that i probably can’t think about mentioning rn. but i’ve went to make a lot more friends here and for that i’m grateful.

to amy: i want to say i’m sorry for confusing you with someone else when you initially joined the rp but i’m not sorry that i did because it put me in a situation where i got to speak to you for the first time and got to know you better. we don’t thread often (i think we have like two in our entire history together) but i love our muse’s dynamic, even if it’s mostly behind the scenes. i’ve come to adore yien so freaking much and i can’t imagine an rk without him. i’m happy and grateful that you trust me enough to talk about things and i can’t thank you enough for being one of the only people to go out of their way to make sure i’m okay when i’m at my worse. i love our tea spilling sessions. you’re the greatest for when i want to rant without judgement.

to marie: i’m still upset you dropped jinyoung i loved his muse u n u lol but for real i really do think you’re a cool person. it makes me wonder what the hell took us so long to freaking speak to each other on a more close level. but you’re so fun to be around and you have a great ass energy and i still have that baby picture of you running away from whatever that was AHAHAH but i’m so happy that we talk more! and omg we have our first ship together (that’s not in rookies but i’m exCITED OKAY WHAT A FUCKING POWER COUPLE) and you have to plot with me on dabin now bc you took jinyoungie away u n u

to nic: thank you for being a good friend to me all of these years. i value our friendship. i find it funny we haven’t plotted with any of your newer muses. HOW THE HELL DID WE MANAGE THAT? anyways i really wanted to say thank you for having my back, for helping me out when i really need it and for letting me rant and bitch to you about things that really piss me off. sometimes talking to you really does keep me sane or else i’d blow tf up for real. for that i’m thankful. we really do have to plot more with our muses. which somehow we’re terrible at? LMAO GJ US

to carly: i will talk about your hentaekai username until my fucking GRAVE because it’s still the most iconic thing to have happened. so for those of you who DON’T know, carly’s username on aim was hentaekai. so when she joined, she had put her aim username in her intro. i just copy and pasted her username into my add list and sent her a simple hello and introducing myself. then…….i returned to see if she was online (because i had sent the message when she was offline) and THEN i realised her name looked like hentai and i fucking lost it. that’s actually how our first conversation went. we then went on to talk about how similar taemin and min (rkmiya) were to an alarming degree. and now we have luna who is miya’s sister! i care about you even if we don’t talk much at all and it’s nice that we can confide in each other about things. i am grateful for you and you always provide interesting insight.

to jess and phil: i put you guys in the same one because we are One LOL. anyways i love you both to the death of me. we honestly have sphere chat for bringing us even closer together and thank fucking god you both let your muses be signed to sphere. rkmin was going nuts on her own it was getting ridiculous. i LOVE the sphere musketeers and i love the family dynamic that the sphere kids had. it really was the precedent in terms of company dynamics. phil, you know howon meant so much to rkmin and i’m glad even to this day we got to have our muses in the same company and i love you~ and whichever 1284239429834 muses you decide to bring LOL. jess, from jonghyun to huidong: i love that rkmiya has a relationship with both (which reminds me, jong-puppy needs to text his noona un u). i really find her relationship with huidong more interesting as the nova parents. it’s actually pretty nice how well the compliment each other and are similar at the same time. i honestly never thought they’d be close but here they are!

to chanel: wow it’s been forever for us, hasn’t it? we’ve been through a lot. although we don’t speak anymore i do value our friendship as it were. we had a really good dynamic going for our muses. it was nice to plot some extreme fucking slow burn for rickhee, who are a complete mess. it’s nice seeing the contrasting relationships our muses have with one another. you do create some fun muses! thank you for being a friend for so long. i definitely do miss talking to you more but i know irl gets a bit busy!

to nova kids: i want to thank you all for the 4 amazing years that sunmi has been in nova! it’s been fun. we’ve seen a lot of faces come and go. we’ve all had our differences with one another but honestly i really love how easily the nova kids can crack jokes on each other and really be playful. even if we don’t get to put it on dash often enough i really prefer the nova kids dynamic of all the companies my muses are in rn and that wouldn’t be possible with every single one of you contributing to that dynamic and it’s always a little different with each muse lineup. i know sunmi wasn’t an og nova member from day one but it really feels that way sometimes. we’re a crazy bunch but it’s fun to be in chat!

to trc kids: i know the company’s dynamics aren’t established if at all but i wanted to thank all of you for plotting with sohee and for dealing with her craziness. although she is more of the shy, eternally sweet kind of gal, she is super die hard for trc and would never dream of leaving. it was never her first choice in company (or her second, truthfully) but she really has come to love the company as it is and that’s all thanks to you guys! (shout out to joi for still having yubin in there since day one!!!! LETS GET THIS MONEY !!!) i also want to give a secondary shout out to mir first giving me great ass plot development for nesshee and for vanessa taking sohee’s first female kiss ic and for forcing sohee to learn that she has to take the good and the bad in situations. it was a very vital lesson she needed to learn. to the rest of the trc crew, let’s keep working towards getting our kids closer!! <3

to kt crew: i know chungha is still new to the kt group and doesn’t exactly fit in yet but i wanted to say thank you guys too! i don’t have much to say because it’s been less than a month being in kt and it’s the one company i’ve never had a muse in so i’m still unfamiliar with a lot. it’s also the company with the most members that i’m personally unfamiliar with. i’m interested in learning more about everyone and their muses!

to everyone i didn’t have the time/mind to mention: please don’t take it the hard way. i just had a lot to write and i’m sorry i didn’t give you a personal shout out. i usually do it to the people who have stayed in my sphere most recently (because then i remember them) but don’t think this means i think any less of you! you’re just as important.

to everyone who has mentioned me in their rkfifth so far: thank you! i didn’t really think i was impactful enough to even be mentioned in someone else’s rkfifth post so it was a nice surprise. honestly there were at least like two of you who mentioned me that caught me completely off guard. (and there’s some who didn’t mention me that i kind of expected to and they didn’t so it’s like a two sided surprise LOL)

to the rest of rookies: whether we haven’t met yet, only talk occasionally or are just twitter mutuals, just know that i’m ready to be friends when you are. it’s been five years and i’ve seen plenty of people come and go (including admin team members) and i feel like my heart will always be in rookies. i just can’t pull away. until rkmiya gets her shot at being debuted i don’t think that damn muse would even let me leave even if i wanted to. so i guess i’m sticking around for a while. why not make the time go by quicker by making some new friends? LOL

if you made it this far (hi carly) thank you for reading my long ass spiel that probably made no sense at some points! congratulations! i made something really nice for everyone. so if you want to see it, please click here!!!!!!

#rkfifth #word count: 4357 #oh jesus pls dont read all of this #no i didnt tag anyone bc there was too many people to tag #scroll to the bottom for the present yall

[meeshy69-blog]

Michelle’s Mindfulness on Music: an Interactive Twitter Narrative

*Michelle Betty* @pettybetty1017

Michelle had succumbed to the state of loneliness after becoming a freshman in college. She has always been a positive thinker; she has always been motivated in school, and she had always lived an active, happy lifestyle. But her soul was taken over by sadness after facing heartbreak.

Michelle and her boyfriend Johnny had been dating for three years during high school, but soon after graduation she went on to attend her dream college, Columbia University in New York. She had only been in school for shortly under a month and was still adjusting to being away from home. Her and Johnny always made time for each other daily over the phone. Sometimes it would be a little tricky for the two of them to make time, but they would still manage to catch up.

“What?” Michelle said in confusion, as she pressed her ear to the phone, “I don’t understand, John… I’m only two states away from you, Johnny. 

“There’s not much to explain here, Mich.” Johnny replied in a curt manner, as he and  Michelle exchanged conversations. “I’ve been thinking about this for awhile. Now that you’re settled in at school, I think we should do our own thing. The distance isn’t worth it for us two.”

Michelle’s vocal fry peaked through the phone, but she made sure Johnny wouldn’t hear her break. She excused herself from the call so she could tend to the imaginary dinner she had cooking in the oven.

Michelle was anguished. She spent most of her pre-adult years with Johnny and couldn’t think of any reason why long distance wasn’t worth it for him, especially since it didn’t cross her mind once that it was ever a problem. Johnny was someone she looked forward to talking with at the end of the day, weather it was about something comical or frustrating that went on that day. He was the ear she would rely on for all of her daily stories.

Days after her and Johnny split, she spent most of the time in her room, lacking motivation in school, her social life, and her academic performance. Her grades started to slip and she didn’t know what to do to cope with such a life changing event. She even considered dropping out of school all together so her headspace could be in the right place again. Michelle’s emotions were eating her up inside.

“Was it something I did?” she would ask herself. “Or maybe it’s someone else… I knew I should have stayed at home for a year with him. He’s probably at home filling the gap with some other girl while I’m stuck here feeling miserable.”

She figured that finding any type of excuse towards his reason for breaking up with her would potentially help her move on. She even tried becoming angry with the whole situation; maybe if she had fingers to point at him, some of the stressful emotions would be lifted from Michelle’s shoulders.

Michelle didn’t find any of this helpful at all. In fact, nothing seemed to be benefiting her mood when she would implement distractions on her day. She started isolating herself daily to the point where even her friends didn’t want to be around her negativity.

“Why does one change in my life cause other people to leave me too? I’m stuck in a domino effect of bad luck.”

This thought really pushed her down further in her negative emotions. Michelle was tired of feeling sorry for herself. She missed having a connection with people and most importantly, she missed sharing laughs with her close group of friends. Johnny was the last person on her mind at this point, and all she was missing now was just a genuine connection with people.  

The only piece of comfort Michelle got out of her day was through social media after she had physically separated herself from human interaction. Social media was the one thing that gave her a sense of belonging again. Seeing that little red emoticon heart pop up on her instagram feed allowed her to feel a pinch of gratification, but only for a slight moment. She craved this feeling heavily each day to where she would even find herself venting about her problems on Twitter, hoping for someone to notice her pain.

Michelle considered herself an expert in the field of social media, but mainly because she was studying Social Media Strategy at her University. She was aware of how users can rely on social media platforms to deliver messages to a larger audience in a quick and efficient way. This also allowed her to recognize how effective hashtags can be over such social platforms. She often found reliable sites and pages through hashtags that related to her own personal life, gaining that small sense of comfort back again for a short while. This reminded Michelle of how she once relied on specific hashtags that would lead her to tips and articles on healthy eating, workout routines, and even beauty routines. She would always utilize these tips, especially before moving away to school. This gave her an idea:

“what can Twitter do for me to help with my mental health instead of my physical health?” she asked herself.

As she was trying to cope with her emotional trauma through Twitter, she began using the hashtag #depressed as a cry for help. As seen on her Twitter feed, she overshared about her issues and several of her friends believed that her oversharing on twitter was a way to gain attention from Johnny, but she was feeling so separated from the world that this was her only way of venting her emotional problems.

Using the hashtag #Depressed led Michelle to share her story with others that were also feeling this way over Twitter. This connected her to others that have gone through similar situations, and it even connected her to a page that shared coping mechanisms for her specific mood changes. After reading several articles through the #Depressed page, she stumbled upon one specific article that provided some good insight on what music can do for the human brain.

“Music helps control blood pressure?” Michelle read aloud as curiosity sparked her interest.

She was puzzled by this statement after reading an article from Digde Project, something she found through twitter and the #depression hashtag. This article talks about the several ways in which music improves multiple disorders, including a few that she had been struggling with as of recently. She had noticed that her depression has recently been causing panic attacks that kept her from falling asleep at night. In this article, AJ Block states that The Cardiovascular Society of Great Britain recently discovered that some genres of music can in fact match up with our rhythmic beat as humans, causing the heart to slow down and relax.

Not only does Block touch base on how music can relax the human heartbeat, but it is also stated that McGill University in Canada had conducted a study on how music can positively affect the chemicals in the brain. Dopamine is a great chemical, especially when the brain is doing its’ job at producing it. According to McGill University, music acts as a stimulant for the brain, jumpstarting it to regularly produce this happy hormone once again.

“I don’t remember the last time I updated my music playlist on Spotify.” Michelle thought to herself.

Eager, she took her phone out and began scrolling. She scanned through several old bands and artists she once enjoyed, which made it hard for her to pick a song out to test-drive this theory. She then took it upon herself to create a specific playlist incorporating “feel-good songs” in it that she once loved.

She plugged her headphones in and rolled onto her bed, staring at the ceiling fan. As she watched the fan spin on low-speed above her, she became unaware that her toes were keeping beat with Kevin Morby as he sang through her ears, an old favorite musician of hers. As her ankles and toes began to softly dance, she realized all the movement in the room was in perfect sync.

The fan spinning, her toes wiggling, and the soft voice of Kevin Morby through her headphones; Michelle could feel her eyelids become very heavy as she actually relaxed for the first time in awhile.  She missed this sense of comfort that once overwhelmed her body, and Michelle was finally at ease from her thoughts.

#music and mood #depression #coping #protips

[pebblesagainstaewswindow]

Reflection on Onion man

So hellu hellu there, nice to meet you @ whoever's reading this post,

I'm Ophelia and I've been lurking the Onision and the anti-onision community for some time.

I decided to make this post after seeing some especially creepy interactions between gregman and his underage fanbase.

Now, before anyone accuses me of being a sock puppet account of the grease man himself by looking at the lack of posts (the fact that he feels the need to create those is...very sad), I must say that I used to be more active on tumblr and I actually had two account before this one, but I eliminated them on a whim when I felt that I was dangerously spending way too much time looking/lurking the wrong communities. I created this account to first look at p*rn (I'm just going to be honest) and then, after the Purge, to just lurk for fun.

Now onto what I really wanted to say.

I started to watch the onion man back in 2014, and at first I enjoyed the content, edgy 13/14 years old me saw "something" in the man doing skits and stuff like that, and I (wrongly) agreed with some of his opinions/ideas, I had gifs of him, was an hardcore fan, crushing a lil bit, you know, the usual.

But as things start, they also come to and end. In 2016 I started to find his content boring, halfassed and overall terrible, and after some time I even had the chance to discover his past relationships and what he'd done in general, and that was the last straw. I laughed at his incapacity of being faithful and keeping it in his pants and left the community (in which I only lurked basically, I was and still am incredibly anxious, I'm doing this post because I'm worried).

Then the Billie drama happened, and that irked me even more and made me feel like I dodged a bullet, or better, a cannon ball.

As time went on I realized how bad he was, and by researching a bit more I found even more reasons to not hate him, but pity him.

He's so insecure about his own mental health that he has to go after others and consider them "mentally challenged" (to say the least) if they self harm or suffer from an ED.

He's so uptight with his sexuality and idea of masculinity that he tries to be the nice-guy-feminist-ally but then fails to actually follow the opinions he spouts, thus being the biggest hypocrite that ever was.

That's why I really suggest to look at him in a more "oh he's so pathetic" kind of mentality, rather than pure hate. He thrives on hate, but shrivels up at the idea of being considered pathetic, as it takes a toll on his ego.

But anyway, this is not a post to entirely shit on grrrrregory, but rather a warning to any minor in his community.

It's understandable to like him at first, especially if your sense of humour is a bit fucked and edgy. Then maybe you start appreciating him because of the picture of himself he tries to project on the internet: the honest, kind hearted, helper and saviour of young women that only gives true opinions that are actually perfect and should not be contested, as if you try to do so, you're a bigot/conservative that deserves to be oppressed.

It's okay, you should not be ashamed to admit it and to show it.

But then look around him.

Why does he only hang out with very few people?

Why do people on the internet cringe at him and consider him creepy?

Why is his like/dislike ratio so fucked?

Why is he forced to hide behind characters on Twitter to "avoid" backlash?

It doesn't take that long to find out.

You look up his name, and with a simple Google search you'll find everything that went down with him. Internet is unforgiving.

A little search, and you find out how he damaged his wife's car while on his way to fuck underage Shiloh when he was still married.

Or how he put Shiloh through an absurd amount of stress and pain, i.e. forcing her to shave her head and so on.

The situation with Skye, Adrienne and Kai (who, while also not being as innocent and as guiltless as he tries to be, does not need to be misgendered out of spite.)

The abuse of his animals, from his turtle, to the guinea pigs and dogs.

If you really see these things as "haterz gonna hate", I beg you to reflect. Would a completely innocent man try and deceive people by making fake accounts that support him and by trying to spread hate among other people? Would a man with a spotless soul claim to not be obsessed with someone after YEARS and YEARS only to make videos and name dropping that person every 10 tweets he makes?

That's only an example of how much of a bitter soul he is. He doesn't deserve your time or money. If you have any problem that concerns your mental and/or physical health, please be careful with the content onision posts. I wasn't personally affected by it, but you might be. Focus on healing and becoming a better version of yourself. But who am I to force you to do that? I'm not patronizing, but rather suggesting.

Onision is the equivalent of the edgy kid that brags about punching a wall while being angry at his parents.

He's the guy saying he's a feminist to only get into people's pants.

He's a bully, and as a bully, his ego is so fragile that he has to go out of his way to abuse a copyright system to take down people who disagree with him. Would someone honest and able to take criticism do that?

Look up what he asked Billie when they were splitting up: do you think a sane man would ask you to be chained in his basement as proof of loyalty?

Look at Kai. Does he look like an happy parent? Why doesn't he trust Onision around their kids? Why does he keep on looking for someone else to get into his and Greg's relationship?

But these are just starting points, and you can just ignore them if you want.

What I really care about is you being safe. If greg shows interest in you and you're underage, take a step back. It's not cute, it's not goals. It's predatory. Because guess what, do you know what happened with the last teenager he approached? Onision got married to him. Kai was all over Greg, because he got what fans want from their favourite celebrity, he got his dream of marrying the man he stanned.

In the end, I don't care about whether you believe me or not, I care about people (specifically minors) not falling into the onion trap.

Just please,

BE CAREFUL.

#onision #anti onision #antio #greg avaroe #thoughts