#because nobody fucking thinks about it and I'm not equipped to deal with starting that discussion

[foxxsong]

.

#sometimes i have things i really wish i could talk about #well. it's usually one specific thing. #but i know i can't because it will attract entirely the wrong crowds #and fucking NO ONE can be normal about it it feels like #it's one of those areas where “progressive” people tend to get all awkward because they're not trained for That Side of the equation #so they get mad and circle back around to what they know so they don't have to think about it or feel righteous for “correcting” you #and then you've got the other side of the coin that just... ugh don't even get me started #either “you deserve it” or “see how those leftists treat this issue if you hang out with us we'll take you seriously” #as if that's not a blatant trap with the heavy assumption I'd deal with all of their nastiness so they could use me as a cudgel #and tell me it's for my own good because they're “the only ones that care” #anyway if you're reading this i can almost guarantee it's not about whatever you're thinking about getting mad at me for #because nobody fucking thinks about it and I'm not equipped to deal with starting that discussion #especially not right now

[historiaxvanserra]

loved your other headcanons would you maybe do some period headcanons?

Cycle | Period Headcanons

I didn't both including Rhys (again) because this is officially a Rhys slander blog.

Cassian

Cassian can sense it before you do. He'll never say so but you always know by the way he subtly starts preparing. He'll make sure to treat you with extra care and attention, not that it's ever lacking to begin with but the way he loves you and touches you is softer in some way.

Cassian's love language is definitely physical touch; he NEEDS to be touching you. It's like a lifeline to him and he likes to think it reminds you that he is there for you in every way he can be even if he can't take your pain away.

He's such a cuddler anyway so he's always there when you need extra comfort in his arms. He'll wrap you in a signature bear hug that engulfs you entirely and stays that way until you're ready to pull away.

He'll indulge all your cravings-- anything you just have to ask he's so attentive and soft!!

I'm a big believer that Cassian isn't scared of blood, he's seen enough of it so he's totally on board with continuing bedroom activities if you're comfortable with it.

Azriel

Azriel is highly attuned to those subtle changes that nobody else would notice; the slight swell of your breasts, the widening of your hips, changes in your behaviour, your scent. Which means he always knows it's coming.

Like Cass he's always well prepared but in different ways. I 1000% believe his love language is acts of service so instead of offering purely physical comfort he will also run you a warm bath, a heating pad, and tea to ease the pain. He'll give you whatever it is that you need.

That's not to say that he neglects your physical needs in any way if anything it's one of the times you need it most. He'll hold you all night, kissing your forehead and pulling you close sharing your combined body heat, his hand over your stomach for comfort.

Azriel is so protective and understanding and will take time from his work to take care of you whether you tell him to or not. It's his job to take care of his mate.

Eris

Eris is so busy that he doesn't realise at first so he'll fuss over you thinking that you're hurt or upset.

He feels a bit embarrassed that he didn't notice. How could he not? So he'll beat himself up about being inattentive and attempt to make up for it in other ways.

His hands are fucking magic, the fire in him means he makes the best hot water bottle ever, his hands do a much better job than any heating pad you can imagine. And he'll run you hot baths and sit with you, washing your hair and massaging your shoulders because he needs you to be at peace.

He's super vocal about how beautiful he finds you during these times, knowing you're a little more needy and emotional but he doesn't mind it one bit.

He takes pride in how needy you get for him and he likes feeling needed and knowing that he is the only one who can take care of you brings him so much comfort too.

Lucien

Lucien always knows he's so in tune with your body that he has the calendar mapped out. so he likes to be well-equipped to deal with it and to help you as best he can. He's always got snacks on hand cause that's the only thing he can think to do.

does Lucien have an excuse to lay in bed with you all day? no. does he need one? also no. you best believe this man is in bed or by your side the whole time.

He's so supportive the whole time, offering you drinks and food and cuddles, whatever you need he's got it handled.

Lucien telling you he heard that sex can help the pain is a not-so-subtle hint that he doesn't care about the mess if you don't.

Lucien is king of distraction and he'll gladly think of 100 ways to keep you entertained and your mind on other things.

#acotar #acotar fanfiction #acotar x reader #acotar headcanon #cassian acotar #cassian x you #cassian x reader #cassian headcanons #azriel x you #azriel x reader #azriel shadowsinger #azriel headcanons #eris x you #eris x reader #eris vanserra #eris headcanons #lucien x you #lucien x reader #lucien headcanons #lucien vanserra #a court of thorns and roses #a court of silver flames #a court of wings and ruin #a court of mist and fury

[timeoverload]

I haven't felt very social the past few days and I've been having trouble interacting with others. It has been hard for me to have extensive conversations with people at work. I'm used to having some quiet time when I get there in the morning but I haven't been getting that lately.

The new team lead is really nice and has a positive attitude. I appreciate that he is encouraging. He is just a chatterbox and sometimes it's too much first thing in the morning when I'm not fully awake yet. He yells a lot but I don't think he realizes how loud he is sometimes because he has been having ear problems. I can't get mad at him for that because he can't help it. I just already work in a loud environment and I have a hard time handling a lot of the noise as it is. Normally I can have one of my earbuds in my ear when I'm working to distract myself but I haven't been able to listen to music since I have been teaching. He asks a lot of questions which is a good thing I suppose. However, I get frustrated when I'm trying to teach him something important and he gets distracted and runs away. I don't want to be the only person who knows what to do when there's an emergency because that's what happened today.

We had an emergency earlier and had to flash a tibial impactor because someone fucked up and the patient was already on the table. We have to get approval from the charge nurse or one of our supervisors in order to sterilize an instrument that way and it's not something we do very often. When we have to flash an instrument, it has to be placed in a special pan and ran in a rapid cycle which takes about 20 minutes. The rapid cycle has the same 4 minute exposure time to steam as a normal cycle but there is no dry time which makes it faster. A normal cycle typically has a 30-45 minute dry time. The pan comes out wet because it's designed that way and usually it gets taken to the room before it cools down. The instruments inside the pan are also wet but the water is sterile so it's safe to use. In any other situation, if a pan or wrapped item comes out of the autoclave wet it has to be reprocessed. We try to avoid running rapid cycles as much as possible because using an instrument for surgery that is wet can be risky since water can be a magnet for bacteria. It doesn't work for everything and we can't run power equipment or implants on a rapid cycle. We don't use those special pans for long-term storage either just to be cautious. We also have to do a lot more documentation and follow up when we flash instruments.

Nobody knew what to do earlier so I ended up having to do most of the work for that. I tried to ask for help but I felt like no one was listening. I was already super busy with eyes and I had to stop what I was doing to deal with that situation. It's ok though because I got it done. I was glad that I could deliver the pan to the room before they made an incision because I hate it when people are waiting on me. It's my goal to make sure everyone else knows how to do that by the end of next week because it's so important. If my boss is there tomorrow I will probably talk to her about it.

I'm just super worn out. I have had 60 eye cases the past 2 days. I was surprised because I had 30 eye cases today and they got done before 3. It was nice to have time to get caught up on some things and not have to rush around for the last 2 hours of my day. My back wasn't bothering me too much earlier so I decided to help dispatch and pull case carts after I got my eye stuff done. I wanted to do that so I could have some quiet time and it went well for the most part except for when I was pushing the cart back to the department. I was trying to go through the automatic door and it started closing unexpectedly and pushed the cart into my face. It almost broke my glasses and I have a nice welt above my eyebrow. I hope I don't get a bruise. I left after that happened because it was my time to go anyway.

It has been so busy and it's only going to get worse because everyone tries to get surgery at the end of the year. I'm hoping we don't have to work Saturdays in November and December. I used to volunteer to work Saturdays during the winter because the extra money was nice. I can't do it anymore. I hate that I think about work so much but sadly it has consumed my life. I still remember when I started and I loved it so much. I had fun and I laughed a lot. I thought I could do it forever and I was naïve to think that things wouldn't change so much. One of the newer guys made a comment to me today about how it seems like our job changes and breaks people. I can't say that he's wrong about that.

I have also been thinking about my cats all day. I can't get Soupy and Salazaar in to the vet this weekend even though I wanted to. I still have to get them new carriers because the only one we have right now is sort of broken. I think they are in better shape than Harry is so I'm not quite as worried about them. I think they also had a check up more recently. I am still planning on taking them in the near future but I'm worried about Harry right now because he seems to have the most problems. I have no idea how much all of Harry's bills are going to be and I want to be able to pay them when the time comes. I need to figure out when I can take him in to get his teeth taken care of because he needs to take antibiotics for 5 days before the appointment. I just want him to get better and I feel bad for him.

I wish I could get caught up on everything in my life but I can't seem to do it right now. My room is a mess again which isn't surprising to me at this point. I'm going to work on it more this weekend. I also have a stack of papers to go through and it just keeps growing so I should tackle some of that as well. I don't know what my problem is.

I'm going to try not to worry about stuff anymore tonight. I think I'm super overstimulated right now and that probably isn't helping with my anxiety. My head also hurts from getting smacked earlier. I'm mostly ready for bed but I might have some ice cream. I have so much in my freezer because I have been eating it a lot lately. It would be awesome if I could get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight but we'll see I guess. I think I'm going to try to relax now. I want tomorrow to be a good day.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me complain. I appreciate all of the nice messages and they made me smile. I hope everyone has a wonderful evening and a good day tomorrow. 💖

#personal

[lesbianslovebts]

How was Hobipalooza for you? Could you describe it? (*´꒳`*)

Aaah okay, I'll describe the whole experience! It was an 8 hour road trip from Minnesota through Wisconsin to Illinois. My mom and I got to the hotel in Chicago at about 6:30 p.m. on Saturday. Then we walked to Giordano's for some deep dish pizza. We slept and napped and didn't do much of anything Sunday until it was time to hop in the Uber. We had no idea where we needed to go to get into the festival, and the address that we chose for Grant Park in the Uber app wasn't right, so the nice driver helped us figure it all out. We gave him a $20 tip for dealing with us (relative) country bumpkins fjshdhagsfjkf.

We put on our wristbands, zapped them on the entrance thingy, and went through security. We got there around 6:30 p.m., grabbed a couple of waters (it was in a can instead of a bottle - very weird), and found the Bud Light Seltzer stage where Hobi would be performing. There was some decent breeze because of the lake, the sun had dipped below the skyscrapers, and the temperature was maybe only 75 degrees or so. But I had to wear my handpainted Hobi jacket, of course, so I was still sweaty all night. 😭 Anyway, there was another artist we saw on that stage before Hobi. The Kid Laroi? Meh, the performance was mediocre. According to Google, he's just an 18-year-old kid, so. 🤷‍♂️ Once he was done, his fans left, so all of us Hobi lovers surged forward. I ended up on to the right hand side and had to watch the screen, mainly, but if I stood on my tippy toes and peeked through the heads just right, I could see Jung Hoseok in the flesh on the stage. 😖

There was a good 50-60 minutes of waiting after the rush forward, and every time a staff member came out, moved a piece of equipment, tested the mic and lights, or changed the slide on the screens, the crowd screamed lmao. One of the partners of Lollapalooza (whatever that means) came out and talked about how Hobi is the first Korean artist to headline a US music festival and introduced the mayor of Chicago, who announced Lollapalooza will continue for at least another 10 years. Then there was some more waiting, screaming, and chanting of "J-Hope, J-Hope, J-Hope!" and "Hobi, Hobi, Hobi!" and "정호석, 정호석, 정호석!"

The screens said "MORE?" and then the intro from JITB started. People were even chanting along with the narration! And then. And THEN. Jung fucking Hoseok burst out of the box, and we all LOST OUR SHIT. I didn't know how to act right. I was wiggling and squealing and stomping my boots. His HAIR was such a surprise. It was so long and poofy. He must've gotten a perm and extensions. He looked like a rockstar and was wearing tight gloves, and I'm such a slut for gloves. 🥴

He started off with "More," and the Earth shook. The bass was so strong, and the chanting was just like a BTS concert. Whenever he skipped a word or line, we filled in like we were getting paid for it. I didn't look up the set list beforehand, so each one was a total surprise. He did all of JITB, most of Hope World, Just Dance, Ego, his verse from Cypher pt. 1, CNS with Becky G, and Dynamite. He was so cute before Dynamite. He said, "You guys will sing 🎶, and I will dance 🕺." He swore a lot, too, and we felt that in our guts. When he was taking a breather, we were screaming and everything, so he looked at us like 😮🤨 and said, "You guys are fucking crazy." 🤣 He also told us to make some motherfucking noise, and we were all like 😳 yes sir, Hoseok, sir 🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣!

I didn't see anyone else's performances, but I can GUARANTEE that nobody did it quite like him. I think what a lot of people who aren't fans don't understand is that we weren't there just because he's a part of BTS. We weren't there because BTS is what's popular right now. We were there for Jung Hoseok, a genuinely talented artist who knows how to put on one hell of a show. Sunday night is going to be one of my most precious memories for years and years to come. 💕

#thank you mom for surprising me with tickets~ #jhope #hobi #hoseok #jung hoseok #lollapalooza #hobipalooza #bts #llbtsanswer #llbtspost

[incarnateirony]

Actually, you know what? No reason to be cryptic about it. Enjoy the journey on Aaron's current life choices.

So I mean, I've not made it secretive that I'm, among many things, a pothead, mostly for pain management. And that I've had an interesting life, and have some surprising influences in rings that I always stood as the Most Unlikely Hobbit in.

But certain things I witnessed, I observed, I learned a great deal, even had the means to get involved with but just, didn't. I had enough chaos in my life, let's not add FBI drug raids to it, thanks.

But on February 6th, weed is legal here.

The first places that were approved on licensing for it were established medical dispensaries. They've already gone through the process and most of them are importing established brands etc etc and so on. And most home growers don't have the mix of knowledge, and time to do all the hinky beaurocracy shit as a backyard operation, so they mostly just grow and quietly share with besties if they got overflow, and it's kind of whatever they got.

I've also lived in a location where it was legal, as it went legal, so I remember watching this process happen before. The first thing that happens is lines down entire blocks at major established medical dispensaries, while the overage joe still smokes something from their friend's potted plant basically, and it's cool, as long as you're not like, busted trying to distribute random shit on the corner.

And then over time the market shifts because since legalization application is open for everyone else in a few months, after it's Roughly Pretended Nobody Planted Early, We Swear, and smaller licensed recreational-predominant dispensaries open, but often struggle and fail on profit margins vs operations vs whatever. Like I have literally seen this circus, I have watched the monkeys rise and then die.

So I hear them asking, well, isn't this gonna bring the cost of weed way down? and I'm like... nyes?

If you mean the demand to have some random shit dropped in your mailbox by your uncle Ben's neighbor, yeah, that's gonna go through the floor. Even if they Swear It's Their Best Shit. Because the market is going to be full of high end prices with menus and educational information that lets customers select what they want, and the prices START where they used to be and only go up from there, plus taxes. So. No. Weed actually gets a little more expensive but the shit you get is hand over fists better.

Like someone I know is all "You know weed is cheap, no matter how good it is right, where do you think I get all my shit." and I'm like. You get all your shit because it's inventory nobody wants, was harvested way too young and is indiscernible from higher end ditch weed dude, this is just what market availability has done.

Then they argue, no, don't order your seeds from XYZ, my buddy in colorado can send you any strain you want, bet.

Nawwwww. NAWWWWWW. That's shit they shook off their plants, best guess at gendering and is probably lowkey hybridized somehow, no I want to know EXACTLY what they fuck I'm starting with and be in control of my plants without having an invasion of boys fucking up the crop.

So then of course there's the issue of competition even if I got the startup equipment. Yeah, lots of people grow for themselves, but expecting to make a profit margin is where people fuck up. Because by the time they pay for space beyond one table in their kitchen, or anywhere to sell it or have space, they're in the hole before they ever open the door.

So considering the remodeling plans I had, the local zoning and other things, I got the operations front covered, and it'd be part of a paid off home. It's just built in cost of living anyway, only now Home Earns Money with the layout I have planned and so on, because again, I need to remodel the basement for disabled living anyway, And This Fits. Wheelchair floorplan and all.

But um. Because of my life path, DESPITE my somehow squeaky clean record, I have seen things. The system will ironically let me coast through application easily as an, awww, look at these two white nerds trying to make a profit margin on their pain management dotting all their i's and crossing all their Ts. When really we have quarterly plans set out for two years as a rough estimate.

We being a friend of mine, a dear real life friend, who has history in realty, accounting and business management that was looking for a way out of the grind too, and is happy to help quickbooks his way through this and match the money I can put in on the 18th.

Because no, no I will never be able to out compete the established big dispensaries. But I got something better. The common sense to know pulling in a quarter what they target in a week is great. The ability to incorporate it to living expenses. The available manpower to handle all the form filling and dotted i's and crossed T's on that end while I handle the production, at no cost to us, no inflation to customer, and everything beyond some essentials really being minimal cost for profit. And cured and treated right you get this sticky bud NO dispensary can match, period.

And then there's where I'm at. I'm in a food desert. How do you think the dispensaries look. If you go up the main road maybe five miles there's one, and I can guarantee you it'll be expensive as fuck, so everyone will keep buying ditch weed.

The point is to be the middle ground of that, to be KNOWN to those people, to have local referrals and community.

Like naw, I don't want a store front. I'll do everything I can to be healthy, legal, maintained, all of that and it won't be that hard with the two of us. But you get me 200 locals that already spend 500 a month in weed you got me 100K/month, bro. And they still get to menu pick That Good Shit like at the dispensaries but because there's no storefront or middle management it outprices them for actual hand reared good shit that aint dried out or whatever.

Yeah. I know EXACTLY what the fuck I'm doing, and to NOT overgrow and to NOT overaim, and to KEEP it small and simple and to NOT expect to be a millionaire overnight, but rather, to be a Thousandaire smoothly for a bit and, then if my buddy does the right business cost writeoffs, we can see about expanding year two or what have you. Yeah, sure, buy the house this year on early profit margins, collateral it against itself for repairs and write it off as a business expense to get started. The room is there but it's not about ever trying to be One Of Those Ones. It's about fitting a local demand in a market and being THE one to set up that demand, and you can't do that if you fuck around waiting a month to invest it.

SOOOO to roll back to the start of this post on the 18th I am Buying Some Shit that will not see investment return for, oh, 10-14 weeks one could say, and then after that things start rolling, at about the rate getting a license approved happens, iykyk.

It's just about 500 investment on either end, scaled to 15 plants expected to drop 15-25 low to high ounces as a start. You can outprice the market and still pull 100K. And after you get round one going next month double it over into a second wave with a few more troughs and again the next month. You only run three. Suddenly it's like when you have too many chickens. That's it that's the sweet spot right there. So give it a quarter.

So that's about where I'm at right now. I'm worried about getting them started first, as I can't fight against time itself. He's gonna work out the licensing and LLCs shit in the meantime and put in his half and we're getting it rolling NOW. I can bat around customer reward and referral programs loosely and whatnot as that's already on the mind, but this is the point of motion I'm at right as my hip literally blew, so there's a lot of chair sitting by force going on right now. [uses cane to push gamer chair around the house] HOLDING FOR INVESTMENT MONEY FIRST CHAIR SECNOD I CAN MAKE IT TILL THE FIRST DAMMIT.

[ithappensblog]

dream vs. reality

I have always loved giving gifts to people. I guess it's in my nature. There is something so satisfying about finding or creating the perfect item that matches someone’s personality, interests, or needs. That’s why I decided to open up my own gift shop, Little Pepper Gift Co., where I could sell crafts, personalized accessories, made by other Canadian makers. I don't have much patience for creating products myself, so I decided that supporting other small businesses by opening a small shop carrying products I loved (and knew other people would, too!) would be a great way to accomplish this. I was so excited to launch my shop online and share it with the world. I had a vision of being an overnight success, or at least a steady source of income and joy. I thought I had what it takes to run a successful business, just like my husband, who owns Labrosse Consulting, a thriving survey equipment supplier combined with Civil Engineering Technology consulting. Something he was passionate about and good at. I thought people would love my products and appreciate the care and creativity that went into them. But reality soon hit me hard. Running a gift shop is not as easy as it seems. It takes a lot of time and effort to create, market, and ship the products. It takes a lot of work to set up shop at craft shows, if you're lucky enough to score a spot. It also takes a lot of patience and resilience to deal with the competition, the customer feedback, and the sales fluctuations. Mostly, it takes a toll on your mental and physical health, especially if you struggle like I do. I started to feel disappointed and discouraged when I saw my friends and family buying similar items from big chain stores instead of supporting my shop. I felt like they didn’t value my work or understand how much it meant to me. I felt like they were choosing convenience over quality and connection. I also started to feel like shit when I went days or weeks without a sale. I felt like no one wanted what I had to offer. I felt like I was wasting my time and energy on something that nobody cared about. I felt like a failure, with another business adventure that didn’t pan out because of my bright ADHD ideas.

I started to lose motivation and interest in my shop. I stopped pursuing new products, updating my website, and posting on social media. I stopped checking my email and responding to inquiries. I stopped caring about my shop and myself. But then I realized something. I realized that I was not alone in this journey. There are many other small business owners out there who face the same challenges and frustrations as me. There are also many customers out there who appreciate and support small businesses like mine. There are also many resources and communities out there that can help me grow and improve my shop. I realized that I still have a passion and a purpose for my shop. I still have a dream and a vision for my shop. And I still have a chance and an opportunity to make it happen.

Now I'm fighting with the idea of selling off the business to some other eager entrepreneur. Or do I stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself, pick back up and not give up on my shop or myself? I know success isn't created overnight. I'd love to rekindle my excitement and determination for my shop. I decided to do something that I love and share it with the world. And you know what? It felt good at first. But here I sit, stuck between a rock and a hard place. My family poured so many hours and so much money into this endeavor that I don't want to let them down and have them feel like this was another stupid idea. Because, when I have the next idea (we all know I will), I don't want them to think that supporting me is a bad idea. That's why I didn't tell anyone about writing these blog entries... I can do without the comments about mistakes I've made in the past.

#blog #blogger #reallife #thisislife #shithappens #smallbusiness #smallbusinessowner #businessowner #giftshop #littlepepper #onlinestore #allinmyfeels #adhd #adhdidea #millennials #ontariocanada #sudbury #sudburyontario #surveying #civilengineering #dronesurveying #constructionsurveying #civilengineeringtechnology #surveyingconsult #consultingfirm #smallbusinesslife

[topherfoxtrot]

Thunderbolts: The hulk's personal protection team

Hey, here's the second episode of my fanon thunderbolts. Since last episode Emil Blonsky escaped from his imprisonment. He's probably going after the Hulk, right? John, Ava, Yelena, Justin and the mysterious Contessa Valentina attend to a presentation Bruce Banner is giving at MIT to find out. This one is more comedy leaned. It wasn't a conscious choice, it just sort of happened. But I'm glag it did. If you enjoy your read please like, share or comment something :D

Valentina hated those heels but something inside of her made she wear them anyways, even on grass. She was going first and foremost. Justin Hammer was right behind her jumping in excitement and giving a lot of useless yet interesting facts about MIT lore and culture. The rest of the thunderbolts were there too. John was wearing a cap and a 5 o'clock beard. Ava was wearing a huge gray sweater as she usually did. Yelena was rocking a leather jacket. For all purposes they did look like a group of college students.

"This place is huge!" Ava looked around, "I wish I went to college."

"What would you do?" John asked.

"I don't know. Anything except quantum physics I guess!" Ava laughed.

"I knew a quantum physics guy once." Justin thought out loud.

"Yeah you knew everyone." Yelena rolled her eyes, "You told that already. We been knew."

"Hey, no need to be so harsh. Your new equipment is my property and I can reclaim them at any time, remember?"

"Oh yeah I haven't used the tasers yet. Wanna help me out with that?" Yelena smirked.

"Behave, children." Valentina intervened, "We want doctor Banner to have a good first impression about us. Specially after the Blosnky incident." She side eyed Ava.

The campus was packed with people of all ages and all around the country and possibly the whole world too. There have been a lot of workshops and seminars the whole week, but today's main event was special: Bruce Banner was gonna give a presentation on the applications of biochemistry in robotics. Apparently the robot dogs running around campus were testing an engine that doesn't need gasoline or electric energy to work.

"I've seen those dogs before." John was reading an informative folder, "I don't think building them to never sleep is a good idea."

"I have a history of dangerous applications of robotics and I agree." Justin cleaned his glasses. The microfiber cloth had his name on it. "It can get out of hand rather quickly!"

"Now that I think about it Bruce Banner also has a history of dangerous applications of robotics." Yelena pointed out, "Y'all remember Ultron?"

"Mistakes are learning opportunities. I mean, not for them I guess." Valentina sighted, "Trust me those super idiots are always making mistakes and they never learn!" She said that last part in a loud whisper.

The presentation was supposed to happen at 4pm so they got there one hour earlier as the Contessa wanted. Doctor Banner was in the auditorium already. His big hands were setting the projector and his eyes were studying the obnoxiously small papers scattered across the table. As usual, the heels Valentina was wearing announced her presence.

"Doctor Banner." She greeted him formally.

"Hello." He analyzed her quickly, "How can I help you..? And you?" He looked at the thunderbolts arriving with the Contessa.

"Well, you see." Valentina took off her sunglasses, "It might actually be the other way around. We are the ones who are here to help."

"Oh." Bruce changed his posture to pay full attention at the lady.

"We are the thunderbolts and we are here to protect you Doctor Banner."

"Protect... me?" Bruce tried to sound polite.

"We have privileged information that confirms you might be in danger, man!" Justin put himself in front of Valentina, "We don't want to scare you or anything but the Abomination scaped his imprisonment!"

Bruce's eyes opened wide suddenly. It's been fifteen years since he saw Emil Blonsky. And as time passed by he caught himself thinking about the man less and less. Now however this distant memory became an immediate danger.

"Should I cancel the..?"

"No, of course not Doctor Banner!" Valentina waved her hand as if the whole situation was nothing but a little annoyance, "You can carry on with your presentation. The Thunderbolts are here to protect you. Also, my name is Valentina Allegra de La Fontiane, Contessa Valentina de La Fontiane. It's a lot to remember I know but don't worry, I'm hard to forget."

"Okay. The.. hm, thunderbolts." He looked at the weird bunch, "Hey aren't you the new Captain America?" He asked.

John looked down and then looked to the roof real quick, "I'm not Captain America anymore." He said between his teeth.

"Yeah there's a new new Captain America now." Valentina rolled her eyes, "But that's not important now, is it? We'll just sit here and wait for the presentation to be over. How about that?"

Bruce didn't trust the team quite yet, but he trusted himself to be his own protection so it was no big deal. Still, as the thunderbolts took their sits at the end of the room, Bruce grabbed his cellphone to check if Emil was really out. There was nothing on the news or on twitter which meant that either Valentina was lying or the government was hiding this information really well. Both options were equally plausible in Bruce's eyes so he decided to roll with it.

***

When the presentation started the lights went out. Yelena, Ava, John, Justin and Valentina were sitting on the last set of chairs. At some point Valentina got up to get a phonecall. John whispered to not disturb the presentation:

"So...who is she?"

"What do you mean?" Justin asked, also quietly.

"This... Contessa. I don't know. Her." He pointed at the exit door she just left through.

"Haven't you read the card?" Ava asked.

"What card? You mean the blank card? The one with nothing written on it?"

"It was written with invisible ink." Yelena clarified.

"Invisible ink?" John couldn't believe his own words.

"John that's the oldest trick in the book." Justin seemed interested in the presentation, "Espionage 101."

"I was black ops...!" John sounded offended. Someone shushed them so they stayed in silence for a while. Ava felt bad for John though.

"It doesn't matter if you read it or not." She whispered, "It's not like there was any key information there. It was just her name and this weird lightning symbol."

"The thunderbolts!" Justin whispered back.

"So.. us?" John asked.

"That's what it seems." Yelena looked around with no sign of the Contessa, "But who are we?"

"Didn't she explain anything to you guys?" Justin asked.

"No! Did she explain anything to you?"

"I mean, no."

"What?" Ava asked a little louder than intended.

"She just said she would sponsor my projects so I was immediately on board." Justin justified himself, "I just assumed you were more into her deal than I was."

"I can't believe I fell for another pyramid scheme." Ava sighted

"Another?" John asked.

Someone shushed them again, more aggressively this time.

"Excuse me who do you think you are to shush me??" Justin whispered as loud as he could.

"Hammer, sit down!" Yelena ordered.

"Not, let's see what this fella has to say!" Justin grabbed his cellphone to use as a flashlight, but that was not necessary because the lights turned on out of sudden. The robot dogs entered the room as part of the presentation and everyone clapped and cheered at them. Justin sat down again and straighten his blazer aggressively.

The robot dogs did some flips and silly dances. Their "skin" was transparent so it was possible to see all fluids and engines working inside. Everyone was having a good time except Justin, John and Yelena. Something about the dogs and the claps made John unsettled. Yelena felt the same. They looked at each other looking for some guidance. That's when the shots were fired.

A few people from the crowd got up wearing balaclava masks and wielding machine guns. The robot dogs positioned themselves, one on each side of every seat row. The chemicals inside them started to bubble in a menacing way. A man from the first seat now in balaclava got closer to Hulk with a shotgun aimed at his head.

"Hello everyone!" The man screamed, "We are only here for the money. If everyone cooperates, no one gets hurt."

The criminals started to walk around the room with huge bags stealing rings, watches, wallets and all sorts of jewelry.

"There's twelve of them." Yelena whispered.

"How much you can take?" John analyzed the room with her.

"Without getting shot? A few. But the dogs seem to be time bombs."

"Yeah there's too many people here. We have to think this through!" Ava stated.

"Oh my god is that Ant-Man??" Justin screamed pointing at Ava's feet.

"What? Where?" Ava got up on a jump. The men started shooting at her but she phased around the bullets out of reflex. That was just the distraction Justin needed to run into the exit door Valentina went through minutes ago.

"Fucking Hammer!" Yelena grunted before jumping to the ground. A nearby dog jumped to attack her but she quickly applied a jiujitsu move that made the dog fly above her. The fluids inside the robot started to shine in a weird way. John jumped across the seats and kicked the robot to the roof where it exploded. The roof suffered some damage but no enough to fall. No one got hurt. Except the dog whose metallic remains fell onto the ground.

John landed beside Yelena to check on her. Ava made herself invisible and visible again more times than the nearest criminal could comprehend. When Ava reached him she grabbed him by the back and used him as a human shield. Her hand phased into his neck in a lethal threat.

"Nobody shoots no one and no bloody dog explodes!" She demanded.

Everyone in the auditorium hold their breath together. Bruce seemed to be having fun. Yelena and John remained on the ground watching everything in anticipation. Ava had declared a temporary negotiating time, but for how long?

Suddenly breaking the absolute silence the auditorium was emerged in music started to come out of the speakers on the wall. Even the criminals looked around confused to the sound of "U can't touch this". When MC Hammer sang the iconic 'Hammer time!' the exit door exploded and among the smoke Justin Hammer emerged with a shield, three tasers, a shotgun and bunch of flash grenades. He took his right hand to the sky to show his car keys in triumph.

"He went out to get our stuff from the car trunk." John said in denial.

"Fucking Hammer!" Yelena screamed again (with a smile this time) before running to his direction. John came right after.

The criminals started shooting at Justin, who jumped to the ground scattering everything he brought with him. Ava let go of her human shield and disappeared. Yelena grabbed her tasers and John grabbed his shield. They both got up ready for action. The criminals started shooting and John instinctively projected the shield in front of them while Yelena got closer to him.

"Hey, it even looks like we rehearsed it!" Yelena said, smiling.

John also gave her a smile. Without realizing it he offered his arm for a forearm pump like he used to do with an old friend. Yelena forearm pumped him and jumped back into action. John smiled even brighter.

What happens next is just incredible. John's shield ricochet's throughout the whole auditorium at his will. Ava phases through and disarms everyone fast. Even with no powers Yelena runs around quickly dodging bullets and immobilizing the criminals. Justin cheered for them just alright. But he also turned off the robot dogs and used some of the flash grenades when necessary.

At the end of the showdown all the criminals were gathered at the podium. Bruce scrubbed his hands with a pride smile as if he did something at all. The gesture clarified that the threat was indeed neutralized so all the people in the crowd got up and started clapping at them. Justin waved his hands with a bright smile.

"Come on guys, it's the least we could do."

"What is happening?" Ava grabbed her arms is a slight self hug.

"Don't you see?" Hulk whispered to her, "You're the heroes!"

The sentence made John move his shoulders awkwardly. We are the heroes!, He whispered to himself. Yelena giggled because she totally heard that. She grabbed one of John's hands and one of Ava's hands and curved to the crowd as if they were actors in a play. Ava and John looked at each other and decided to bound as well. The cheers went louder.

The Contessa finally came back. She looked worried.

"What the fuck is going on?"

"We are the heroes, Val!" Justin winked at her before grabbing John's shield and bound as well.

#john walker #john walker positive post #thunderbolts #ava starr #yelena belova #justin Hammer #valentina allegra de fontaine #bruce banner #FoxtrotFanfic

[davids-cartoon-corkboard]

Back when “Repairin’ the Baron” first aired, I was like “I'm worried about Mikey being alone with Draxum and this “giant reptilian monster” imagery, Draxum’s going to play them all for fools by faking his redemption and then he'll mutate Mikey as part of a scheme or just out of spite.”

But now I have an idea that’s so much worse. :)

Let’s say Draxum truly does grow fond of Mikey and begins to feel parental towards him. After all, who doesn’t love Mikey? He’s such a sweetheart, so small and cute and helpful and naive...

And Draxum gets worried. This beautiful idiot child is going to get himself killed, trying to befriend every villain he comes across! He called Foot Recruit “frenemy” even after she tried to smash his shell into powder! He’s approached a cannibalistic mutant multiple times because he wanted to learn how to make pork risotto! He got an apartment for the guy who nearly wiped out humanity!

If only Mikey was better able to defend himself... if only he wasn’t quite so friendly, or so small... if only he was a bit faster, stronger, tougher...

So Draxum stages a little “accident” with an oozesquito, not out of malice, but out of a misguided attempt to keep Mikey safe.

The scene is staged so we think we’ll get a repeat of the monster!Don situation from 2k3, but... it actually works! Mikey gets an upgrade, and he’s still himself!

He’s a little taller than Leo, Donnie, and April now, and has a grand old time teasing them about it. His family doesn’t baby him when they spar anymore! It’s a lot easier to thrash villains now!

It is so much easier to thrash villains now...

Mikey’s “Doctor Delicate Touch” moments start to get more frequent, and more severe. He’s full of restless energy at all hours of the day and night. The flames of his kusari-fundo burn brighter and hotter, it’s laugh sounds more sinister. Sometimes it screams with rage, instead.

And then he goes too far. Maybe he gets pissy that Donnie insists on running more tests even though he’s fine, he feels great, Donnie’s just mad because he doesn’t like his little brother being stronger than him, FUCK OFF-

Donnie gets burned. Mikey runs to Draxum. Maybe he figured out the oozesquito accident wasn’t really an accident, maybe he didn’t, but right now he desperately needs someone else to blame. Scared and ashamed, the tears and snot sizzling right off his face, he grabs Draxum by the shoulders and shakes him, screaming “I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE FIX ME.”

This would be the worst possible time for the Hidden City police to track Draxum down, so of course they choose right then to kick in the door and attack.

Mikey retaliates. It doesn’t matter that they’ve brought a small army this time, or that they're the yokai equivalent of a SWAT team, or that they’ve got every possible exit surrounded. There’s nothing they can do against him. Mikey is a blur of flame and fury, mowing them down and leaving ash in his wake. The room, and then the building, and then the block lights up and New York starts to burn around him as he laughs and laughs and laughs.

Draxum can only stare at his perfect, ultimate creation. It took centuries of research and experimentation and setbacks, but he finally did it! He made a soldier capable of tearing through foes like the cheap paper those Foot idiots use! An agile, graceful killing machine, whirling and dancing like the devil against a backdrop of hellfire.

And he is sickened with himself, because how could he do that to his son?

Draxum sighs and grits his teeth. This is going to hurt, but it has to be done. Summoning every tendril he has, he wraps them around Mikey’s limbs and mouth and pulls him away from the fight. They smoke and shrivel as they touch Mikey's glowing body, wiring hot agony back into Draxum's nervous system. But Draxum does not cry out. He can’t risk the Hidden City’s remaining forces hearing him.

Just for a moment, Mikey is too surprised to fight back. And that’s all Draxum needs to pull him into the sewers. Steam billows up before Mikey even hits the water, choking and blinding them. But it cools him down enough to realize what he’s done, and he doesn’t protest when Draxum hoists him onto his back and starts trekking towards the lair.

Donnie is a genius, nobody doubts that, but he’s a programmer and engineer, not a biologist. His lab just doesn’t have the equipment Draxum needs to start working on a retromutagen. The only place in the world that does is Draxum’s lab, which was confiscated by the Hidden City police.

Draxum doesn’t hesitate. He appears before the Council of Heads to strike a deal. Give him access to his lab long enough to remedy the wrong he has done, and he will surrender. The Council agrees.

Some days later, Mayhem appears in the lair with a little pink vial tied around his neck, as well as a handwritten note. It simply says:

Here is the cure. Don’t forgive me. -Draxum

#rottmnt #rottmnt theory #baron draxum #rottmnt mikey #mikey plus #<- that's what i'm calling this idea #if someone wants to adopt this idea for a fic then be my guest #ask to tag

[cliquestitsandicks]

Tracking Kat

Episode 1: Kat is mourning the end of her relationship with Adena. It has been 5 weeks since the breakup in Paris. She's still looking at old pictures of them and posted one. She still hasn't sent Adena's equipment to her, even though Adena has been texting her asking for it. By the end of the episode, she's admitted to (in order) Alex, Patrick, and Jane & Sutton that she is not okay. She is still sad about the end of her relationship. Alex tells her "you're so hard on yourself. You got your heart broken. There's no expiration date on heartbreak. You move on when you're ready to move on and when you *are* ready, you will find someone amazing. Someone who will never leave." Then Patrick is an entitled, invasive dick. She told her girls she wasn't ready for it to be real yet and that's why she hadn't told them... but she broke down in front of them. She'd finally accepted it was over. End of the episode, she makes an instagram post exposing her vulnerability to the world and packs up Adena's things for good.

Episode 2: Kat injects Jane for fertility treatment. She is very familiar with Jane's reproductive system at this point - best friends. She learns the Wild Susan, a club Adena took her to that became a safe space she frequents and which happens to be 1 of only TWO lesbian bars in the city, is closing. She learns the only reason it's happening is because developers want to gentrify the neighborhood. We learn Kat has a lawyer (not sure how that may come up later) that she met through the #BeReal campaign. Anyway, Kat throws a queer prom as a fundraiser to help save the Wild Susan. It ultimately fails because $42,000 in one night from poor people is a bit much. But it was a valiant effort and, as Kat learns, the gentrifiers were well aware of its impossibility. This episode is leading up to her political career. "I've been so into my feelings lately, it feels really good to challenge my energy into something that really matters". I am so proud of Kat. In Season 1, I would have worried she was avoiding her feelings, but the writers made a big deal of showing she's done the exact opposite of that in the prior episode.

Episode 3: Kat has been researching councilman Reynolds and he's a total piece of shit - helping gentrifiers, cutting funding to parks, and voting against paid maternity leave. She's fired up. Our girl is P A S S I O N A T E & informed! We meet the councilwoman for whom she plans to volunteer and her campaign manager, Tia. Tia's a tiny, bubbly boss with natural hair and a bright smile and we see Kat brighten up. We later learn she and Kat have more in common, both being NYU grads (actually overlapping while there) and both brilliant. Tia, however, is not from a wealthy and connected background. In their initial meeting, Kat tells Tia "I'm just looking for something to channel my rage and depression". Kat enlists her besties to help get the councilwoman to unseat problematic Reynolds. Sutton clearly sees something between Kat and Tia because she does a friend's background check (checking the social media) and tells Kat she looks very single to which Kat responds "it really doesn't matter because I'm still getting over Adena" and Jane seems skeptical of Kat's protestations with her silent smirk. We learn Kat has really soft lips. Kat is the voice of reason for Alex, being the first one to acknowledge the hypersexual "dangerous" Black man depiction that will likely be projected onto him if he admits he is the man in his friend's story. Then we see her naturally command the crowd at the rally. Again, I am so proud of Kat. She isn't holding back when she knows she should speak up. She's taking control of her narrative. She's fighting for what's right in a constructive manner. And now Tia, who has way more experience with this than Kat, is recommending she run for office.

Episode 4: We start the episode with Kat describing what would be her district and job description to her best friends. She's looking excited about the potential to do something that matters and really help people. In her conversation with the Toby (?. don't know, don't care), we get to see more of Tia being supportive of Kat and Kat being confronted with whether she's motivated to actually run or just wants someone to beat Reynolds. We learn Kat had an abortion in 2013 when she was 20 AS IS HER GOTDAMN RIGHT BECAUSE IT'S HER BODY, but it's something she's felt some sort of shame/concern over seeing as nobody close to her knew about it. Then, and this is so great, after telling her friends she has the conversation with Tia. Tia shares that she's had one as well and completely understands not wanting it to be public knowledge, but in sharing her experience educates Kat on yet another way vulnerable people are having their rights stripped, this time through manipulation and "crisis centers" that shouldn't exist. Tia remains supportive and doesn't pressure Kat at all with her decision. "I am by your side if they come for you, but you gotta do what's right for you". When we get that great speech from Jacqueline we see Kat being moved my the statement that you'll never know what you're capable of if you don't take a leap faith to face challenges that frighten you, then you'll never know what you're capable of. [i'd like to pause right now to say Jacqueline is fucking wonderful and i love her like my white auntie. also Sutton needed to hear that again just as much as Kat and i really appreciate this entire moment.] When Kat leaves Jacqueline's celebration, she passes by one of those "crisis centers" Tia told her about and decides to use her voice to help others. "I like to think of myself as a pretty strong, empowered, forward-thinking, open-minded woman. But, up until now, I haven't been able to talk about my abortion. If me putting myself out there helps even one woman to feel less alone, less ashamed, and less guilty then it's worth it." And just like us, dear Tia is blown away. She actually exhales a breath she didn't know she was holding and biiiiiiiitch (!!!! excitedly). and then they're dancing! This is the episode, upon rewatch, when i recognize how often Tia touches Kat unnecessarily.

Episode 5: Kat's entire recap includes Tia, ending with Sutton saying "she seems to be very single". Her very first scene, Tia is complimenting her walking out of some campaigning event we later learn was a Town Hall. Can we just talk about Kat's blazer for a second? First of all, i want it. Second, how did they find something so perfectly her? It's colorful but still semi-professional, fun, but still about her business. Heart-eye inducing. ok. So the next time we see Kat, she and Tia (whose last name they finally mention as Clayton) are reviewing campaign platform and doing debate prep at Kat's apartment. Tia's complimenting Kat almost continuously at this point. Clearly she's impressed, borderline gushing. and Kat tries to brush it off. Tia's not letting her. And there's this moment when Tia forces herself to break eye contact with her (around 5:40 of the episode). The show tells us Kat still hasn't dated since Adena, but Sutton brings up the "stupid smile" she gets whenever Tia's mentioned. She's making better decisions than Patrick and her being compared to Patrick is lowkey happening a lot. I'm starting to wonder if they're setting up Kat taking over digital if she doesn't win the campaign. Ok, the song choice as they pan to Kat and Tia... "I never normally check my phone 10 times in a minute. I'm not the girl to be kept on hold 10 miles from the finish." Again, Tia is very touchy with Kat, never anything inappropriate of course, but the hand is always on the back or the arm. and their interaction is just.. lovely. I squeal. it's so cute. they're so comfortable. Kat invites Tia to the dinner BEFORE (i got the timing on that mixed up before) Tia says she's "a boring straight girl" [the test determined that was a LIE... nah, my good sis Tia is dealing with some internalized homophobia which is no joking matter, but we don't learn that until the next episode]. Apparently, Kat can cook now? So she just liked Adena's food better i guess? idk... anyway. I get why some of the things Tia said can be taken as flirting, but i still believe that you accept what someone says is their sexuality until they say otherwise. yes, that's even when they're saying things like "when i see what i want, i go for it" and "Annndd she can cook. it's hot" and looking at you like that. Kat telling Jane to apologize because he's her boss and she got suuuper disrespectful and would absolutely deserve getting fired makes me proud. She's the mature friend now. She's the one with a level head on her shoulders. Kat finally makes her feelings known to Tia, but this is after Tia has already stated she's straight. Tia reiterates that this is a professional relationship and apologizes for Kat getting the wrong idea. I'm reminded of when Alex Danvers told Maggie Sawyer she was into her and she was rejected... but in that example i was floored and heartbroken for Alex because ugh, i just didn't see that coming. With this, however, it felt like Tia was clear in her words even if it shocked the hell out of me what the words were. So i didn't feel heartbroken for Kat. I thought... tbh... she brought it on herself for refusing to respect Tia's "no", however soft it was. But the writers did let us know it wasn't over with the music selection... Kat looking at "You and Tia make a great team :)" as "I'll go to war for you" plays.

Episode 6: All the emails have been released and Kat has no worries at all about that because she's a professional. And we get to see her be a boss addressing the entire group. Patrick isn't there this episode (YAY for our sanity!) and i think Kat being a boss so often when Patrick isn't around is intentional. When we see Tia, she says last night is forgotten but she thinks it's a bad idea to remain Kat's campaign manager... which is clearly a hard rejection. One can argue that it's too harsh for someone merely admitting they were into you. But it's just as easy to argue that it's appropriate after telling someone, very clearly, that you are not into them romantically and them ignoring that and saying that you were flirting with them on this date they never called a date before you were already there?? so i'm not mad at it. At the end of the episode, we find out that Tia was rejecting herself, not Kat. Turns out, Ms. Tia Clayton has known she's attracted to women since she was in high school, but she "didn't want to want it". Tia is so TINY AND ANXIOUS ABOUT HER SEXUALITY AND MANY OF US HAVE BEEN THERE. But... and i say this in jest... for someone who is really trying not to be out in the open with her gay, she sure was comfortable kissing Kat all outdoors for anyone to see. My good sis is smitten. I'm excited for the story. Again with the music during their scenes though... "I cannot fallll in love with youuuuu. I cannot feeeeel this way so soon, so soon." Also, my girlfriend and I have watched the gifset of the kiss over the phone and swooned (we live in different states for now). This episode, we also got the flashbacks (i missed Lauren so much). Kat's got red streaks in her hair, is a friend to strangers, has regrettable sex with men who taste like pickles, and is cute as a button. She also called Jacqueline "Mama Jackie" and that's it; that's her name now.

#the bold type season 3 #the bold type #katia #kat edison #tia clayton #TBT S3 SPOILERS #i rewatched the whole season today

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: Don't get excited or anything Janis: only talking to you to look busy Jimmy: steal my job an' all or just my lines? Jimmy: so proud me Janis: technically I got you fired from that one Janis: and not to get ahead in the java game myself so Jimmy: fucked my future as a recruiter that Jimmy: tah very much Janis: 💔 Janis: what can I say? Janis: your chat has left a lot to be desired from the start Janis: though I'd happily pick up a CG shift now, nothing to do with your skillz or lack thereof Jimmy: You could've started this one with 'oi Jim don't put persuasive on the CV' and have done, mate but here we still are pissing about Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: use your head and pick up a shift where Pete works now not where he burned his bridges if you want the good chat, girl Janis: Yeah 'cos you want me interrupting your bromance time more than I already do Janis: reverse psychology won't work on me either, boy Jimmy: Tell it to the lad who's rewriting a birthday classic in your honor 'cause that ain't me, babe Jimmy: Still got it bad after all this time he has 💘 Jimmy: #thejulieteffect Janis: God, Gracie didn't slip him an invite as a tip, did she Janis: will have to maim my face to avoid any further association with her, like Jimmy: Might've Jimmy: Much as we throw Shona on that Gracie sized bullet she's nowt but persistent Janis: Desperate is the word Janis: invite half the town, why not Janis: no girl needs that many 'idk you really so I got you a bath set' gifts Jimmy: Alright, alright I'll take yours back to the shop Jimmy: Calm down Janis: bung it her way Janis: still might get some 'gratitude' 🤞 Jimmy: 👌 Janis: cool so it's a plan Janis: you distract, I'll make myself scarce Jimmy: challenge accepted Janis: it's not known to be challenging Janis: but we have just discussed your shortcomings too so yeah Janis: maybe baby Jimmy: having her about when I ain't being paid is proper challenging Jimmy: you wanna sweeten the deal, rich girl Janis: Hmm, what you got in mind? Jimmy: we both make ourselves scarce Jimmy: I reckon that's a better plan Janis: maybe ain't earned persuasive still but Janis: you can tick off problem solver Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: ain't gonna be a problem if have the dickheads in town have an invite to your gaff Jimmy: slip away easy through that #opendoor Jimmy: half* Janis: you forget I'm 1 outta 2 guests of honour Janis: sadly, you are the only one on that score Jimmy: Nah Jimmy: nobody but Pete's coming for you, babe and we can slip him a note ahead of time Janis: You really know how to make a girl feel special, huh 😏 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: is it worth me coming to you Janis: how long you got left on Jimmy: both feeling special now Jimmy: how #goals Janis: well you know Janis: hit up the CG already and the replacements aren't much Jimmy: 💔 for 'em and you Janis: don't look too 😢 for me when I show Janis: not #goals Jimmy: Drying my eyes on my apron as we speak, like Janis: need your 😎 Jimmy: that's alright til the fans wanna see my 😍 Janis: who are you kidding, Doris can't see in front of her face Janis: it's the accent Jimmy: she can see my 🍆 Jimmy: keeps her coming back Janis: please don't make me laugh Jimmy: sexual harassment is no laughing matter, dickhead Jimmy: she's a menace 👵🚫 Janis: you know you're asking for it, babe Janis: made your granny love no secret Jimmy: when I'm not 😢 over you I'm 🤤 over her Jimmy: busted Janis: can't fool me Janis: know what you're like far too well tbh Jimmy: see right through me you Jimmy: only gonna get more of a bighead the older you get, aren't you? Janis: don't plan on changing Janis: not that kind of birthday girl Jimmy: 👍 Janis: dunno why she's bothering Janis: 'less she can get Pete to fake marry her she ain't even competing Jimmy: shut up, he'd get a decent amount of song writing material outta that Jimmy: enough to consider it Jimmy: don't be giving ideas like that out for nowt Janis: so you're saying recruiters out for you but pimp/band manager is my calling Janis: cheers, keep it in mind Jimmy: can't be living off mummy and daddy forever, babe Jimmy: time's running out Janis: they're running out of kids who wanna be around them, more like Janis: you know they don't wanna be left just them and Gracie Jimmy: Give 'em the heads up and they'll have time to have a load more Janis: 💀💀💀 Jimmy: 💸💸💸 Janis: if they do, not me Janis: and all the others Janis: splitting it 10 ways makes it less impressive Jimmy: actually 💔 Janis: I know Janis: babysitting is your primary gig Janis: soz, like Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Janis: Poor, poor boy Janis: have to stick with your two Jimmy: You still ain't taken the 🐶 off me yet so it's 3 Janis: if you put 'dog dad' in your bio it's over Jimmy: saved that 💎 for the dating apps Janis: fairplay Janis: go over well with that crowd Jimmy: 🐶💕 Jimmy: gotta earn her keep somehow Janis: subtle Janis: what do you want, like Jimmy: other than 🐶💀 Janis: you love her, shut up Jimmy: bollocks Jimmy: you love her Janis: I know what I've 👀 Janis: and I've got plenty of blackmail evidence for when this all goes tits Jimmy: I know how to fake it Jimmy: tah for all the practise Janis: mhmm, 'cos you did such a top job at that Jimmy: 🥇 me Janis: Sure thing babe Janis: best bae ever Janis: fake enough for you? Jimmy: might be if you didn't mean every word Janis: Idiot Jimmy: you love me Jimmy: and you're on your way here, deny it Janis: I can't deny I'm en-route Janis: but that's like 96% because I need to hide Janis: no funny business Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: only thirsty for a fruit juice Janis: I ain't a toddler Janis: and obviously, I ain't looking for you to serve me either 🤷 Jimmy: you ain't a coffee drinker and we don't serve booze, pisshead Janis: 1. I'm gonna subtly wait for Pete to be free 2. we'll think of something Jimmy: 1. enjoy helping him close 2. he won't be thinking of owt when he's this hungover so enjoy doing that yourself an' all Janis: 🙄🙄 Janis: not entirely sure you barista boys are worth the hassle Jimmy: on you go then Jimmy: find a barman and solve all your problems Janis: no tah Janis: can't be going there Jimmy: 🎻💔🎻 Janis: it'd be like you cracking on with a miner Janis: assume your granddad was a miner Jimmy: be like me having a go on a 👻 Janis: can make that happen Janis: that kinda cool girlfriend, obvs Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Janis: find out the equipment Janis: not talking 🍆🤖s Jimmy: so I'll meet you in the cemetery or what? Jimmy: #datenight Janis: Such an emo Janis: called it and you out from day one Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: You reckoned I wanted to suck Alex Turner's ballsack Jimmy: Indie and emo are different genres, mate Janis: It's all fringes and marding really, isn't it, mate Janis: point is, ghosts are everywhere Janis: have as much if not more luck in any house in this shithole of a town Jimmy: proper poetic you Jimmy: I smell a lyrical collab with your bf Janis: nah Janis: we both know muse is about as good as I got Jimmy: but there's no need to pass that along to Pete and have him 💔 Janis: Shut up Janis: he loves me just the way I am, and YOU'RE just jealous Jimmy: #duh Janis: if I wanted that kind of guilt-trip, I'd have stayed there Jimmy: The orchestra is raring to go here Jimmy: What more do you want? Janis: you Janis: dickhead Jimmy: I'm yours, dickhead Janis: Good Janis: I need you, like Jimmy: We don't need to be here, either of us Janis: I can't Janis: I can't be anywhere near that fucking party tomorrow Janis: it's not just because it's the usual bullshit family function either, like Janis: just Janis: nah Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: good thing I have a better idea Janis: Yeah? Jimmy: Nowt for you to do but come with me Janis: Alright Janis: obviously Janis: never gonna have better plans or better company 'round here so Jimmy: 🥇 Jimmy: come here and we'll go from there Janis: I am Janis: I'd almost forgot how long this bus took Janis: been that long, like Jimmy: you should be live tweeting Jimmy: fans love a throwback Janis: well, we both know what I should really be doing Janis: but ain't really feeling it and this bus driver is new Jimmy: 🤞 our top bloke ain't 💀💀💀 Jimmy: weren't meant to be part of the pact, like Janis: if he was on the outs, I'd have 💀 him at the wheel ages ago Janis: just that good Janis: call me the eternal optimist Jimmy: 🌹 by any other name Janis: peak romance always Jimmy: 💪🏆 Jimmy: you ain't seen nowt yet birthday girl Janis: Idiot Jimmy: 💕 Janis: do I need to bring anything Janis: not fishing for clues or nowt but could be relevant Jimmy: bring whatever you would to fuck off for a day Jimmy: we ain't coming back til its over Janis: okay Janis: just us? Jimmy: you can bring the dog if you want Janis: 😏 Jimmy: I draw the line at Pete's puppy dog eyes though Janis: 💔 Jimmy: You'll live and he's half 💀 so there ain't no challenge in smacking him down Janis: Hot Jimmy: 😏 Janis: is that my surprise? Jimmy: Do you want that to be your surprise? Janis: Yeah, I'm gonna be an accessory by admission Janis: think on, babe Jimmy: 👍 Janis: Your man of mystery bit is very unhelpful sometimes Jimmy: poor baby Jimmy: soz you can't handle being kept on your toes Janis: oh please Jimmy: What? Janis: I could run circles around you in my sleep Jimmy: go on then Janis: maybe Janis: if the plans allow time Jimmy: maybe I'll make time if it's that important to you to prove yourself, Juliet Janis: I know I don't need to prove myself to you Jimmy: 👌 Janis: fuck off Janis: you love me Jimmy: You're alright, for a rich girl Janis: I'm the best Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt babe Janis: #duh Jimmy: #youknowthedrill Janis: town is finally in sight Janis: jesus Jimmy: the new driver ain't winning me over 💔 for him Jimmy: sort it out knobhead Jimmy: 🎅 will get there before his bus, like Janis: N'awh Janis: you missed me? Jimmy: for a sec or two Jimmy: not owt to get a big head over Janis: have to work on that then, won't I Jimmy: hate for you to be bored while you're waiting for Pete to make you a drink Jimmy: gotta give you something to do Jimmy: it'll take him ages longer than two secs Janis: weird brag, mate Janis: usually the other way 'round but admire the honesty 😂 Jimmy: been a bit since I've made shit weird Jimmy: nice to know you've missed it Janis: you know Janis: keeps things interesting, you do Jimmy: Yeah Jimmy: part of the deal, like Janis: I'll renew your contract Janis: 👌 job Jimmy: tah Jimmy: might take you off the trial period for a bit Jimmy: see how you go Janis: 😏 Janis: might not hand in my notice Jimmy: won't have to get a replacement in then Janis: 💔 Janis: know how you love that Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: keep disappointing me, you Janis: psh Jimmy: It's alright, well used to it, me Jimmy: nowt I can't handle Janis: We'll put that theory to the test when I get there Janis: 5 mins Jimmy: good Janis: thanks Janis: by the way Jimmy: you ain't opened your bath shit yet Jimmy: leave it out Janis: I've got to work on my so real surprise/grattitude some time, babe Janis: want me to fake it when I'm there Janis: alright Jimmy: that top job you reckoned I did faking it goes double for you, girl Jimmy: I ain't helping Pete close so you've got more time to piss about having a go Janis: Not how I remember it, boy Jimmy: scroll back through all your feeds Jimmy: I'll hang on Janis: admitting you're more #basic Janis: cute Jimmy: surprise! 🎉 Jimmy: happy birthday Janis: 😍😋 Jimmy: 💘 Janis: love you Jimmy: I love you Janis: I really do Jimmy: Is it my turn to act surprised or what? Janis: You can Jimmy: #kinkunlocked Jimmy: ages after I thought we'd run out Janis: just that good, baby Jimmy: I'll give you a few minutes Jimmy: deffo worth that Janis: and so generous Janis: 😩 Jimmy: too northern for that shit Janis: Nah Janis: this place has changed you Janis: 🍀💀 Jimmy: If owt's changed take your share of the blame Jimmy: 💕🔪💀 Janis: alright Janis: I ruined your life Janis: do something about it

[dissirnulo-blog]

Hello! I just stumbled on this blog by complete accident, and it's interesting to read your posts about akechi! I'm sorry if this actually comes of rude or ignorant or whatever, but i'm genuinely curious about life in orphanages in japan. Your akechi seems to be awfully not fond of it, and i guess the same with go with canon akechi actually. What are you thoughts?

OH MY GOSH? im really flattered that you found them interesting, and im more flattered that you actually want to hear my thoughts on such a delicate subject. youre not being rude or anything!!

i very well cant give proper opinions on a subject without laying down the facts first, though, and surprisingly, other than passing mentions and links to an article or two, no one really talked about just how awful the system is in japan, and in turn how it affected goro, so let me talk about the system while adding in my own commentary

WARNING: WERE GOING TO SPOILER TOWN HERE.

spoilers and very, very, very, VERY heavy text under the cut. im so sorry mobile users

these are all articles i have bookmarked lolol i suggest yall read them but tldrs aint that bad too

What’s it like to be raised in a Japanese orphanage?

many kids that wind up in orphanages were neglected by their parents or suffered some kind of abuse from their parents. its also not uncommon for parents to leave their kids there simply because theyre too overwhelmed by the job

but even then, some (read: a whole fucking lot) of these parents refuse to let their children be adopted bc of a social stigma involving it. they cant support/cant take care/dont give a fuck for their children but theyre too scared of the shame that comes from getting their kids adopted to let them live in a family that can care for and love them. think about that for a minute.

these kids are sometimes called throw away children by society. goro is a throw away child, you can say.

the kids tend to form a hierarchical society where the oldest or the biggest kid orders all the other kids around. refuse to listen to them, and you get beat up. abuse and bullying is rampant because of this

a child leaves their orphanage at around 15 to 18. once they leave, any kind of support from the government is cut off. gone. nada. youre on your goddamn own. 

japan is a country thats held together by connections. you get a job if you have a good network to back up your credibility. basically, without any kind of networks, youre already ruined before you even got outside of that goddamn orphanage you live in

to add: its not uncommon to hear about orphans released from orphanages becoming homeless or unemployed, and without a support network, more often than not they also suffer from mental illnesses such as depression. or theyre also manipulated into committing murder. you know.

im gonna throw my assumption out here that goro most likely was released from whatever orphanage he was in when he was 15. not too long after, he had awaken to his persona, and thats when he approached shido. probably. if that were the case, then it would align with when the mental shutdown cases started: two years before the main game. goro died at 17 years old.

with these facts, we can assume that HE WAS LITERALLY A HOMELESS KID WHEN HE WENT TO SHIDO, AND HE WAS BARELY LEGAL WHEN HE DIED, YOU FUCKING MONKEYS

“When I was growing up in orphanages I sensed the staff was fulfilling their responsibilities but I didn’t feel protected or loved. When I had to leave the orphanage I was all alone. I had no one to turn to.” — Sayuri Watai, 27, founder of a support organization run by and for ‘graduates’ of childhood welfare facilities.

Japan: Children in Institutions Denied Family Life

basically, the foster care system and the alternative care system (aka orphanages) in japan are a fucking trainwreck, but thats the whole point of this post, so its not that surprising.

orphanages are just really fucking bad, theres not enough space, bad facilities, abuses from both staff and fellow children, that kind of shit

its also mentioned here how those who leave the orphanages have no support to help them ease back into society and again brings up the importance of having connections in japan

adoption is rare. by 2011, only 303 kids (out of like, roughly, 30,000) were formally adopted out of the alternative care system. more on Why later

childrens’ best interests are often set aside in favour of letting the parents or family, who put them there in the first place, decide what happens to the kid, which basically means if the parents/family of the kid doesnt want the kid to get adopted, then no, the kid wont be adopted.

basically, the system favours the stupid adults’ opinions over the kids’ wellbeing. as quoted from one of the careworkers mentioned in the article, “In Japan, the interest of the parents is seen as more important than the interests of the child.”

“The Convention on the Rights of the Child states that for the full development of a child’s personality, they ‘should grow up in a family environment, in an atmosphere of happiness, love and understanding.’” 

hey so guess which persona 5 character never grew up in a family and ended up screwed up in the personality department and got so lost and confused with what he really wanted so he desperately clung to the flimsy fame he had and the idea of revenge and fake praises from a certain shido masayoshi? yeah i thought so

japan likes to cram all these kids into orphanages that, even though there are caretakers who do want to take very good care of these sad kids, there isnt enough staff to deal with them, and thats when what looks like neglect from the staffs part arises

the article lists testimonies from children and adults who are and were from these institutions. one of them, a one sentence testimony, stood out to me in particular: “I don’t have any dreams for the future.” it sounded so jaded and tired to me, and it makes me think of the last time we saw goro in the game. that really tired smile really hit it home for me. goro had goals, but what about dreams?

lets speak in hypotheticals: if goro managed to inflict his revenge on shido, and he won, what comes after? what will he do? he spoke in the ship about being heralded as the hero who took down shido, sure, but do yalls really think, after everything, he actually plans to get out of that goddamn mess alive? goro made it his life mission to ruin shido. nothing matters but that, not even himself. after all is said and done, it doesnt seem very plausible for goro to keep on wanting to live. theres nothing to live for, after that

Witness: Lack of Support in Japanese Orphanages

“Masashi cared about his appearance – he wore fashionable [ … ] clothes and had styled his hair – but a sense of isolation clung to him.” that sounds familiar but maybe thats just me

studies show that children younger than 3 who grow up in orphanages have the risk of delayed mental, emotional, and even physical development because of the lack of bonds with a proper adult or family. orphanages are also a really poor environment for older children, who most likely already experienced abuse in the hands of their families or severe trauma after losing their parents. either way, orphanages are just a really bad idea for children

the first two articles have mentioned this, and now this article mentions this again: kids who grow up in orphanages are often poorly equipped for the real world because of the lack of support after their release, and yeah yall know how they end up homeless and jobless bc of it

as continuation, sometimes, education for these kids are so poor that they get out of the system barely able to read or solve simple math problems. 

children get subsidies now (bc back then they didnt wtf). its around 55,000 yen, or 550 usd. they cant even get a drivers license with it, which also happens to be really good extra points for when applying for a job. another opportunity lost for them

Adoption in Japan Part 1: Why are there so many kids in orphanages?

this article focuses more on why adoption is so rare in japan and also reinstates some things that have been mentioned earlier, namely, childrens’ well being getting set aside in favour of what shitty parents have to say

majority of kids in orphanages have living parents who retain legal custody but are not raising them. because of this, they are not allowed to be adopted, even if the parents dont come back for them

for some reason, japan is really insistent on giving the parents full control on their kids life even though they already abandoned them. this idea is so strictly followed that even a baby found in trash cans or some shit are usually ruled by court as not allowed to be adopted in case the biological parents come looking for them. i know. its full of bullshit.

with that and the stigma of a family letting their kid adopted, it makes me think that maybe its why goro ended up stuck in orphanages and never lasted in foster homes. because despite being a good kid (which i actually think he was), he was never adopted bc his mothers family refused to let him be adopted. its really messed up

apparently, people think orphanages are “the right place for nobody’s children to be raised.” add in the “throwaway children” nickname from one of the earlier articles, i get where goros coming from with his whole “unwanted, cursed child” mentality, and why hes so desperate for anyones attention. spend your entire childhood having the idea that youre a throwaway child, that youre a nobody’s child, that your mother killed herself because youre unwanted planted in your vulnerable mind, and then taste praise for the first time despite it coming from the one person you want to ruin the most, no wonder goro was intoxicated by it.

while there are orphanages with staffs that try their best, sexual and physical abuse are still prevalent, mostly in private orphanages. though they are supposedly monitored by the government, those sent to inspect these private orphanages have little to no training for the job. most of the time, the inspector only comes for tea, then they fucking leave, and the abuses and badly maintained facilities continue to prevail

the article brings up again how children are badly prepared for the real world and are doomed to a life of hardship when they leave. it never stops

in japan, only middle school is compulsory, but most jobs require that you should be at least a high school graduate. only 10% (or lower) of kids from orphanages get to attend high school, because 1) getting into high school is like a super big deal and hard, maybe like getting into college, and normally, middle schoolers attend cram schools to prepare for their entrance tests, 2) these orphans cannot afford cram schools, 3) the government refuses to fund cram schools for these kids bc its also acknowledging that their public education fucking sucks and cant afford to get anyone into a high school

imagine goro burning his fucking eyebrows to be able to get into high school. although, truthfully, i wouldnt be surprised if shido had something to do with goro being able to get into high school, if we still go along with “goro approached shido at 15″ thing. but i stand with the whole “goro is actually smart and intelligent despite being a wack detective” thing bc lets be real, that shit he pulled in saes palace is fucking nuts. you cant deny the kids a genius in his own right

Adoption in Japan Part 2: Attitudes to Adoption

adult adoptions, the kind thats done by adults (duh) for convenience or inheritance etc etc, is a frequent thing in japan, but child adoption, the kind that we all are more familiar with, is apparently kind of a wack concept in japan. its entirely new to them. in fact they only legalised that shit in 1989

koseki likes to make everything complicated. its so fucking hard to describe, but its like a family tree of sorts, except when you (the mother) have a kid out of wedlock, youre not allowed to register your kid to your family tree for some fucking reason; you have to start your own family tree with just you and your kid. if you give up your kid for adoption and they got adopted, their name doesnt get removed from your family tree for some fucking reason, but the fact that they were adopted is noted in your family tree. and this starts the discrimination and stigma that comes from getting your kid adopted, and it makes parents who leave their child to orphanages unwilling to get their kids adopted. its also the source of stigma surrounding single mothers and children born out of wedlock. (hey guys guess whos both a kid born out of wedlock AND an orphan?????) NOTE: this is how i understand the concept of koseki so far, and i may not be 100% right bc that shit confuses the fuck out of me. idk. japan why

so yall know how obsessed goro is with being perfect—perfect grades, perfect public image, perfect everything? as it turns out, theres this stupid idea in japan thats widely accepted that “everything from your taste in food to the language you speak is biologically pre-determined” now that makes a shit ton of sense, considering the kind of person shido is. that fucking asshole. holy fuck.

Japan’s Forgotten Children

it says here that about 4,000 children were formally adopted out of the system, as opposed to an earlier article that says 303. i dont know which one is true.

this entire paragraph:

“Last month, a Chukyo Television director who was documenting this problem, asked a high government official why Japan had such a system, as opposed to promoting adoption and foster care like other developed nations. The man, whom I respect for his honesty, basically said that after the war there were many children without parents. At that time, many orphanages were built. So, that became Japan’s system to this day. Let me translate that for you…There are many jobs involved in this system. Plus, we don’t like change.”

orphanages run by the government receive funding based on how much kids they have, so more kids = more money, and that basically is also one of the reasons why no ones making an effort to get these kids out of the system. the kids are their means of getting free fucking money.

the government isnt trying to remedy this problem bc it doesnt want change, at least according to this guy named yamanta tokuji. hes an ex-child welfare worker who wants change, to put it simply.

he also says that living in orphanages for years damages a childs well being and behaviour. some who end up in family environments can develop reactive attachment disorder in which they regress to behaving like a baby.

the government wont tackle the issue “because it doesn’t want to know the truth and thus be forced to change.” yamantas opinion again

look, before anything else, i dont condone what goros done. shits fucked up, kids killed a whole lotta ppl, and he didnt fucking hesitate to pull the damn trigger on akira, but since this is fiction, context is important. if youre one of those people who simply dismissed goros character and went “eh. hes fucking evil with daddy issues” im just….. :(, bc you fucking missed the entire point of his character. its important to note hes the only teenage antagonist in a game where the adults are the Bad Guys™. i dont remember where i read this, but i (sorta) quote: hes a warning of what couldve happened to the phantom thieves, without morgana, without the support system that they had, without the positive influences that made them decide to do what they did. even yusuke acknowledges this, once they come back from shidos palace after Hell™ happened (i would have put a link to a photo, but where the fuck do i even find a pic of it).

i think that people seem to misunderstand goros character simply because of really fucking bad writing atlus COME THE FUCK ON they forget that theyre playing a game based on japan, where culture and society are very different from theirs, and in turn they dont understand the context behind goros backstory and how japans society views orphans and illegitimate children can really fuck with a kid, and okay, just because youre either of the two doesnt mean youll resort to murder, but 1) this is a modern fantasy game, where cats can become buses and fake gods can force a lonely kid who happens to be a wild card into the depths of hell, come on, 2) goro wasnt even the one who came up with the murders, it was shido. he fucking bragged about it in his boss fight you fucking monkeys!!!! i forgot to mention this, but shido also threatens goro if he ever so much expresses doubt

its also because of bad writing. its mostly because of bad writing. god. goro deserves better than this

goro was a vulnerable kid with powers, and that made him a perfect puppet for shido. imagine if he had known about changing hearts sooner, because no one ever told him about it. imagine if he was able to bring his wild card ability to its full potential, and dont even get me started with the fact that he was a wild card user. this post about wild cards and goro really makes you think, but that isnt the point of this post, so

anyway its 2 am im tired Good Night Have A Swell Night Sir

#goro akechi #akechi goro #persona 5 #p5 #spoilers #This Is Really Long I Cried #uughhh i wrote this instead of replies i hope youre happy anon!! #rtrp ooc #( 2/2. ) #( ooc. ) #( asks. ) #anonymous

[tacticalgrandma]

Because I'm a sucker for them interacting, please give us more Alex and Herc in the Batman AU. First impressions? Division of labor? Kitchen encounters in the middle of the night?

AO3

Tried to write them hanging out but someone interrupted, whoops:

“Herc!” Alex yelled as the doors to Laurens Research and Development Offices slid open. He looked around the clinical office space, rows of clunky white tables topped with elaborate computer set ups, and nobody in sight. He crossed the room to the door on the opposite side, and knocked. “Herc?” he called again.

No answer. “Ah well,” Alex muttered to himself. He walked back across the room to one of the computers, sat down in the swivel chair in front of it, and typed in the log in information for John Laurens. Herc would have let him do it anyway, probably. Better to ask forgiveness than permission and all that.

“Organize your damn internal drive,” Alex said, continuing to mutter as he clicked through the filing system. “Come on Herc, it’s like you’re trying to keep the extrajudicial vigilante abetment thing hidden or something.” He paused, then clicked back a screen, then clicked on a folder labeled “Pics of Kids.” It contained a single Excel sheet, listing the inventory of the Laurens Foundation combat prototypes, and the codes for accessing them in the R&D vault. “Perfect, Herc. Hide it as something that no one would willingly decide to look at.” He spun and jumped out of the chair, bumping straight into a young woman who was exiting the vault.

“I’m so sorry-“ he began.

“Who are you?” she asked.

Alex looked down at her. She had short curly hair and thick hipster glasses, and her electric wheelchair had a tablet on a swivel on the right side. She was keeping a finger on that screen as she stared expectantly at him.

“Well?” she asked. Alex swallowed nervously.

“I’m uh, Alexander Hamilton?” She looked at him blankly. “I’m a friend of Herc’s? Uh, Hercules’s?”

“I don’t think Mr. Mulligan lets his friends into the vault,” she said. She was typing something out on the tablet.

“Uh, yeah, yeah, of course! I’m not like, just a friend of his. I’m John Laurens’s personal assistant.” She continued to stare. “Like, Laurens John Laurens?”

“So… why are you trying to get in to the vault?” she asked, and Alex deflated.

“Could you just call Herc please?”

“Oh trust me, I am,” she said. “I’m just also calling a few other people. So…”

Alex flopped back down into his swivel chair, raising his hands in defeat. The woman smiled and drove around him, and settled at the computer he had been using. Alex turned and looked back at her. “You’re not worried?” he asked.

“Why would I be worried?” she said, still facing the screen.

“What if I had a gun or a knife or something?”

“You wouldn’t be able to get anything like that down here. Security would catch that much, I’m sure.”

“Well, still.” She turned around to face him, an eyebrow raised.

“I had my back to a massive arms stockpile and my finger on the master console for this lab. I wasn’t too worried.” Alex slumped back down and folded his hands across his chest as the woman resumed her work on the computer, conceding defeat and resigning himself to embarrassment.

It came about five minutes later as Alex heard the faint sound of a keypad unlocking the entrance. He and the woman turned around to see Hercules Mulligan and two security guards entering the lab. Hercules looked around, out of breath and anxious, before spotting the woman and sighing in relief, then spotting Alex and straightening up again in surprise.

“Alex? What the hell are you doing here?”

Alex ran one hand over his face. “So, look, you know I needed that thing, and it seemed like you were busy…” He heard the sound of muffled laughter behind him, and turned to glare at the unapologetic looking woman.

“Oh my God,” Hercules said, smiling. He turned to the guards. “It’s okay. Everything’s okay. He’s just an idiot.” Alex gave a small wave as the security guards appraised him, then turned and left. Hercules walked over to him and smacked him upside the head, then leaned on his shoulders, ignoring his protests, as he addressed the woman. “Sorry about that, Ms. Schuyler. Mr. Hamilton has just inherited some of his boss’s entitlement issues.”

Alex started. “Wait. Schuyler?”

“Yeah, Peggy. Peggy Schuyler.” The woman shook her head to chase away the last of her laughter, and looked over at him. “You know my sister, right?”

Alex felt a wave of dread. “How did you know?”

“Her sister, Eliza,” Hercules said loudly, glaring down at Alex. “She works with John a lot, so of course Mr. Hamilton has met her.”

Peggy looked between the two of them, Alex still looking nervous and Hercules still looking exasperated. “Right,” she said finally. “I should probably let you guys get to whatever you were going to do. Nice meeting you, Alexander.” She took the chair out of its locked mode and turned away from the two.

“Likewise,” Alex said. She held hand up in farewell and Alex watched her drive into the next room. When the door closed, Alex spun and hit Hercules on the shoulder.

“You hired the police commissioner’s kid sister to work at the Batman’s lab??”

Hercules rubbed at his shoulder, as though the blow could have possibly hurt him. “Look, man, I didn’t have much of a choice, ok? She was top of her class, Eliza recommended her, I’d have to do a helluva lot of explaining as to why I didn’t hire her.” He rolled his eyes when Alex continued to glower. “And besides, she was at the top of her class. She’s already done a shit ton of stuff around here. If you think about it, it actually helps John, since we’ll get the job done better and faster. And she’s a really cool person once you get to know her. Real funny. Weird taste in music.”

Alex sank back in the chair, tapping his fingers against his leg rapidly. “I still don’t like it,” he said after a minute. “It just seems too risky. Can’t you reassign her somewhere else?”

“Tried that,” Hercules said. “Told administration to send her to IT for her interview. She came back the next day with a portfolio of her work and refused to speak to anyone but me. And Eliza came down and told me I better at least talk to her or she’d fuck me over, in so many words.” He snorted, shaking his head. “I mean, you’re right Alex. We ever try to go up against the Schuylers, we’re not going to win that one. But if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?”

“That’s not what that means at all,” Alex said.

“It kind of is.” Hercules began pushing the swivel chair Alex was sitting in towards the door. “Now if you’ll excuse me, my staff and I have some work to do.”

“But I still need the—“

“I’ll get them to you as soon as possible.” He pushed Alex through the sliding doors, and waved as they closed on Alex’s glaring face.

He heard Alex yell “I’m telling Beth about the file name!” through the frosted glass. Hercules paused a minute, then shook his head and walked away. It wasn’t his fault that few of his coworkers had experienced the joys of parenthood. Beth would understand.

He settled into his office and the comfortable rhythm of work. A couple hours later, he heard a knock on the door. “Come in,” he called.

The door swung outward and Peggy drove in. “Sorry about earlier, sir.”

“Don’t be,” said Hercules. “Alex deserves to have some second thoughts the next time he comes barging into my lab and messing around.” He looked over at her, her hands carefully folded in her lap. “Was there something else you wanted to talk about?”

“Well, yes, actually,” Peggy said. “After Mr. Hamilton submitted to his detention, I looked into what he had been doing, to make sure he hadn’t compromised our systems. He hadn’t thankfully, but he had opened up a document I wasn’t familiar with.” She adjusted her glasses. “One that listed some combat technology that I hadn’t heard of. Not here, at least. I seem to remember hearing about the Batman using some of that equipment.”

Hercules stared at her. Her face was the same carefully constructed neutral as Eliza’s had been when she had been threatening him. He put his head in his hands.

“Are you going to tell your sister?” he asked. He heard Peggy snort and he looked up, surprised.

“That’d put Angelica in the worst goddamn position. She has to litigate against the richest person in Gotham, and she loses her check on corrupt cops. I know she complains about him, but right now, the Batman’s doing her a solid. No, don’t worry,” Peggy said. She leaned forward. “I just want in.”

If you can’t beat ‘em, Hercules thought. He stuck out his hand and Peggy shook it, smiling. “But you’re going to have to deal with Alex from now on.”

Peggy laughed. “I wouldn’t worry to much about that one, sir.”

“No,” Hercules said. “I suppose I shouldn’t.”

#hamilton #alexander hamilton #hercules mulligan #peggy schuyler #fic #batman au #this is kind of exposition-y i'm sorry #orig

[unqueenlybiscuits]

K-pop hates your nasally tone.

fuck you and your cow

You Don't Mess With The Zohan Script

   You don't mess with the Zohan!  Come disco.  No, no, no.I no disco, I make the fish.  Danny, come on, go disco.  Oh, okay. Disco!  Danny, that looks good. You're gonnabe a hit at your bar mitzvah.  So okay, Mr. Big Penachim,I no see you disco.  No, no, no. I making dagim.I no disco.  A real man, he can discoand cooking dagim.  So let's go.  Go, go.  I get the hummus for you.  And for you.  Little for me, eh!  No.  No.  Kapara, what is going on!  Just some bullshit-uchen.  Let's go!  Hey, I'm on vacation here.Can't you see this!  You promised me time off.Get someone else to do it.  Are they gonna hurt him!  No one can hurt the Zohan.  - Bye, Zohan.- Take care, man.  The terrorist known as Phantom...  ...was spotted yesterday at aHacky Sack tournament in Beirut.  He may be have been trying tobait us by surfacing briefly.  We believe he's being kept in a safehouse on the Lebanon border.  How is we lose Phantom!  Didn't I capture Phantomthree months ago!  What, you didn't hearabout the trade!  What trade!  Zohan, we gave back the Phantom.  No!  What do you mean,we give back the Phantom!  Zohan, relax.  It was a good trade.We got back Etan and David.  That's all we gotfor a veteran terrorist!  Come on, we got hosed here.  They threw in a spyto be named later.  Come on, Zohan,you have to like that deal.  Maybe they're talking about Ze'ev.  Ze'ev.Come on, he's not even a good spy.  He got caught, for God's sake.He's a stupid.  Our plan is to enter the building fromthe front with a team of eight men...  ...with an additional 12 menat perimeter positions.  Unfortunately, there is a highprobability of collateral damage...  ...including property and loss of life,on both sides.  Okay, here we go.  Excuse me!  Come on, is it not saferto send one man into building...  ...with minimal coverageto take out the target...  ...instead of blowing uphalf the neighborhood!  Well, who would do that!  Oh, "who would do that!"  You know you weregoing to ask the Zohan.  Zohan, why you say this!  I just laid out an entire planwhich didn't rely on you.  Come on, Yaron,you're setting me up.  All this talk of civilian casualties,then of course I end up doing it.  - But I'm not even asking you to do it.- All right, I'll do it.  Give me Avi and Koby as watch,I'll get it done without the mess.  Well, thank you. You didn't have to.  Oh, I didn't have to, bullschlassah.  Have some Fizzy Bubblech.  "Kiwi watermelon"! Yeah, is good.  "Avalon."  Chunky cuts.  Zohan, what are you doing!The girls are here.  I know, I was watching television.  Well, if you want to have fun with us,we're right next door.  - Good with the sticky, you should do it.- No, no, no.  I am going to dinner with my parents.Just leave me alone.  - All right, all right.- It is all right!  You don't giggle at the Zohan.  You hear me!No giggling at the Zohan.  You never giggle at the Zohan.  What's the matter, tatele?  You haven't touchedyour baba ganoush.  What would you think if I tell you...  ...I want to leaving the army,start a new life!  Why would you do that!You are good at it. It's steady pay.  You can't leave,you're one of their best.  Besides, you are too oldto take a risk.  Stay in the army, play it safe.  There's other things I can dobesides war.  You don't war.  - I was in the real war.- I know, I know the story.  1967.  We were surrounded on all sides,outnumbered.  - And in six days, we...- And in six days, we won.  You won. I'm sorry,I don't have a big, fancy war...  ...that lasted all of six days...  Six days and five hours.Your generation likes to forget that.  Dad, I've done so muchfor the country. When does it end!  They've been fighting for 2000 years.It can't be much longer.  All of my friends servedthe minimum three years.  Why can't I move on!Do something else.  Something more creative.  Creative, what!  You've caught so many terrorists,it's an art.  You're like Rembrandtwith a grenade.  What will you do!  Maybe go to America.  What, and haggle overstereo equipment!  Wait a minute, Ya'acov.  Uncle Levi will set you upat electronic store.  You make money, sow yourcreative oats, you come back.  No, I don't want to doelectronics store.  Then how will you make money!  I don't want to say.  Zohan, if you can't tell your parents,who can you tell!  Come, Zohanele.  I want to cut...  ...and style hair.  You... You fagala?  He's fag... Faga...  I like hair. It's pleasant,it's peaceful, no one gets hurt.  Well, you're only diggingthat fagala hole deeper and deeper.  Hello, down there!Hello, in the fagala hole.  Maybe he wants Vaseline.  Yes, it's so funny.  I just want to make peoplesilky smooth.  You know the Phantom will try to run,so be ready for this.  - Zohan, now!- So let's go.  The Zohan.  Freeze!  I get it, I get it,you guys don't like our country.  So we are the bad ones.  I'd love to sit and discuss thiswith you, but I'm short on time.  I'm just saying.It's not so cut-and-dry.  We settled herefor hundreds of years!  Good point.  None of my ancestors ever steppedfoot in this land. No, you're right.  Hey, don't walk away!  Come out, come out,wherever you are.  Hello, jackass.  You think you can oppress my people,landgrabber!  But I will never disappear.  No one can catch Phantom!  So let's go.  Very good.  Sorry. It's for the cause.  Zohan.  Zohan, bring it.  Why you do this! I feel no pain.  No, no, no. I feel no pain.  - I feel no pain. This is too much...- No, no, no. I feel no pain.  I have told you in other fights.  No, no, no. I kill you right now.  Look, look, look.  The piranha,it looks very painful for you.  Is good, is good.  Is very nice. Yes, yes.  Fizzy Bubblech for me.  You like what you see!  Time to die.  So let's go.  Okay, game over.  Yeah!  I kill!  I kill the Zohan!  Zohan is dead.  The Phantom!  Cutting the hair,this makes something beautiful.  Instead of shooting it.  That's why I had to fake to die.  I could have captured Phantom again,but for what! They trade him.  I love my country,but the fighting, it never ends.  It's like Mr. Scrappy, you bite Coco.  Coco, you bite him back.  Soon you are both having worms,eating your own poopech...  I understand. The pills.  Your parents thinkthey know what's best for you.  Sleep.  It's all about not getting recognized.  I know how great I lookedin the beard...  but I'll make this work for me,you'll see.  Rise and shine, guys.Good morning.  Is nice, huh!  It's the Avalon.  It says I care about the way I look,but I'm still approachable.  Oh, you like this!  Who wants to go next, guys!Who wants to look silky smooth!  Yes. Yes.  Oh, where are my two little babies!Oh, come on.  Come on out, Scrappy, come on out.Come to Mama, Mr. Coco.  Mr. Scrappy. Coco.What happened!  Who gave you permissionto do this, huh!  Who did! Answer me.  Scrappy, was it you!It was you, wasn't it!  You're always the instigator.  Bad dog. You are a very bad dog.Never again are you gonna travel.  Take me to the Paul Mitchellhair salon.  - First time in New York!- Yes, my friend.  So, what brings you here!  I have a dream.  I had a dream too.  What dream you have!  My dream was to come to America...  ...and make enough moneyto send for me brothers and sisters...  ...so that we all could enjoyfreedom together.  - This is good dream.- Oh, yes, it is.  - Is dream come true!- No, man.  Me brothers and sisterswere hacked to death.  But I love the Chinese food here.It's incredible.  - Hey, you forgot these.- Those are for you, my friend.  Good morning for you.I am here to meet Mr. Paul Mitchell.  And who are you!  Scrappy Coco.I am here to take a job from him.  He isn't in right now.  That's good. So I will wait, then.  You know what! I'll takeone Fizzy Bubblech, a raspberry.  You know,he actually doesn't come in too often.  Yes, just tell him I am perfect for this,so let's go.  - I am the best.- The best at what!  All of this. The cutting, the styling,the making it silky smooth.  I wanna know who cuts your hair.  Oh, you like this, eh!  This is the Avalon,straight from the Paul Mitchell book.  I haven't seen that stylesince Luke married Laura.  Sister, are you this Laura!  You tell Paul Mitchell,Scrappy Coco was here to see him.  If I find out he was here...  ...or you are keeping himhidden from me...  ...I will destroy you.  Believe me this.  What the hell was this, champ!I'm not paying for that!  This asshole cut me off,made me swerve into you!  With all due respect,I was in the bicycle lane.  You came like a madman.Be glad nobody was hurt.  I mean, somebody could've died.I mean, you came...  Okay, real mature, sir. Real mature.  You do not want to bethrowing bicycles.  Look, stay out of my business,Mustafa.  "Mustafa"! This is not my name.Who tells you this is my name!  Whatever.Salami, bologna, apple sauce.  Apple who!  My friend, if I were you,I would change the tone.  Avoid the pain.  Listen, go back to your goddamnedpretzel stand. We got it...  - Look what I've got. It's right here.- Please!  - I've got it.- Please, let me go.  I never work at pretzel stand.You like to insult people!  Was that your feet!  Yes, it's the feet. The feet uppercut.  Here comes the double foot.  This is good.  Smell it, smell it, smell it.Now take it.  - That's for you.- All right, let me go!  You said you wanted pretzel!  Okay, I'm good.  Beautiful.  You want some chickens!  No, no, no. I fix for you.  It's all b'seder.  What are you, bionic!  No, no, no. I only like the girls.  Thanks, anyways.  This is ridiculous traffic.  Anyway, George insistedwe have the party.  - I always get midnight shift.- Could you keep it down, please!  I no sleep,I no see World Series Poker.  Are you even watching the road!  Be nice. He could be a terrorist.  - Why Hamdi no get no midnight!- Could you at least change the station!  - Hey, that was amazing.- Oh, yes.  Where are you from, anyway!  Where am I from!  Australia.  Really!Because you sound Middle Eastern.  No, no, no. Similar accents.  - Kangaroo. You see!- Sure.  This is ridiculous. We're getting out.  - Come on, dear.- I've been working longer than Hamdi.  - You want me to get you home!- No, I'll grab a cab.  You've done enough.That was crazy.  Whose lockzie do I have to schluck?  Oh, you know you're boning me.I don't know that.  It's you.  - What is happening!- What's happening!  It's bullshaklaga.  - We have to go.- Go where!  - I'll run you.- What are you doing!  This is legal!  Scrappy, have another kneidlach.Come on.  You're very nice, Mrs. Klayman.  It reminds me of my mother's cookingin Australia.  Really!It's funny, you don't sound Australian.  Yes, no, no, no.This is because I am half Australian...  ...half Mount Everest.  So this is what you're hearing.  Well, Australia,it must be really nice there...  ...since they got rid of the apartheid.  Oh, yes, the weather is much cooler.  So, Scrappy,I understand you cut hair.  I will be workingwith Mr. Paul Mitchell...  ...as soon as I find outwhere they are hiding him.  Oh, Mom, Scrappydoesn't have a place to stay yet.  - Really!- Not yet.  Well, actually,there's a nice one-bedroom...  ...that just opened up upstairs.  Nice light, not huge.  And they redid the kitchen very well.  - This could be good.- Could be good.  Could be good.  Hey, Mom,do you know where the detergent is!  - That's very good.- Oh, my God!  What! What's the matter!  What's the matter! That's my mom.  - It's okay, Michael.- I know it's your mother.  She's very beautiful.  Michael, I haven't made stickyin two days.  - What do you want from me!- Couldn't you wait till I was asleep!  - Or dead!- No, Michael.  You do... What's he doing now!  Why'd that happen!Why'd that happen!  It's okay. Let me talk to him.  Oh, I can't get up.  No, no. You'll feel your legs againin two hours.  Michael.  Come on, this is nothingto feel bad about.  Me sexing your mother.  It's beautiful. It's natural.  No, I didn't bring you hometo do it with my mother.  Why not, huh!You don't want her to be happy!  Did you see her! Did you look at her!  I don't thinkI can ever look at her again.  Michael, her faceduring the big bang-boom!  You did not see!  She was glowing.  Patches. What are you...!  Michael, come on.  They'll be plenty of timefor you and me.  Tonight, I take you to disco, huh!How's this!  No, why would I wanna goto a disco tonight!  Michael, you should go. It'd be fun!  You could use a little stank.  Yes, you need your penachimto take a swim.  Yeah, a little chicken of the sea.It wouldn't hurt.  Disco, disco.Let's do this, Michael. Yes or no!  Come on, you get to disco.  - All right, fine, I'll go to the disco.- Okay.  I do your mother one more time,and then we go.  - Wha...!- Seconds already!  Oh, yes.  Hey. Look at this.  This is what you need, man,to let off a little steam, huh!  How many times a day do youmake sticky! Two! Five! Twelve!  How many times a day!I've had sex once in my life.  It was at tennis camp.It was awful.  You're too picky, Michael.Maybe that's the problem.  Every weed in the desertis still a flower.  Look at this. This a big one, eh!  But look at the tits.These will bounce nice for you.  Your mother, she has huge poopeh.  I mean, very wide.  But what I see are two big, strong legswrapped around my head, squeezing.  So who wants to get somepoontachen?  - I wanna get some poontachen?- Well, let's get some. Yes.  It's good for you. Nice spinning.  This is what I'm talking about.You play this.  - I ain't playing this corny shit.- No, no.  I need to set themood for my friend.  Get out,you Daisy Duke-wearing motherf...  - Disco, disco.- Good, good!  - Disco, disco.- Good, good!  Yes, hello. Hello.  Hey, Zohan.  Who you looking for!  It's okay, no one can hear mein disco, Zohan.  Can you believe the poontachatin this place!  I'm not Zohan.My name is Scrappy Coco, my friend.  What!Of course you are Zohan Dvir.  They all think you dead in Israel.I'm not going to tell.  Tell what!I don't know what you're talking about.  Zohan, it's okay.Don't worry, I'm a huge fan.  The way you took outAbdullah Meda in '94.  And when you made Melami Benazireat his own shit in '97.  I can't believe I'm meeting you, man.  So, what the fachmaare you doing here!  Come with me.  Look, I couldn't takeall the fighting anymore.  - What's it all for!- Are you crazy!  If I could blow a terroristinside out like you...  ...this is all I would do.I'd never sleep.  - This is exaggeration.- No, it's not.  You made Palami Habdallah's poodlesit on a live grenade.  - You gotta show me how you did that.- I don't remember. I was young.  So tell me the truth.Why are you in America!  I no want to tell you.  What! What! Come on.  You are the best, Zohan.Whatever you say is good.  I want to be hairdresser.  You a fagala?  I can't believe it.  A great warrior, but also a fagalawith the penachim.  No, no, no. I like hair.  Come on, man, I get you real job.  You come by my shop tomorrow.  Israeli electronics. Are you crazy!  - Everyone will recognize me.- No, you don't look like same Zohan.  You have silly haircut now.  - I have what haircut!- What!  - You say I look silly!- No, no. Who said this!  - You said this.- No, no. Nobody say nothing.  I don't need your job.  I get my own job on my ownat a big salon. You will see.  You ever cut a sister's hair before!  Yes. Sister, brother, grandma,grandpa, the whole family.  I'm good at this.  Have you ever workedwith dreads before!  This is what you do.  No more. This creature slayed.  It's not a problem. Okay, he's got me.He's got me. He's got me. Okay.  Okay. So we blind him in the eyes.We got you.  And we finish him.  You back away, I take hold of him.Go! Go! Go out! Go now!  Go!  This is hair. This is hair.  Oh, okay. The joke's on me, eh!  A big part of our job hereis making this a fun experience.  Of course, of course.  For a lot of kids, this is their first cut,and it can be very frightening.  - I can imagine.- I don't want a haircut.  Get away from me.  Let me go.  Young man, look what I found here.  A nice balloon.  Do you want it! It's right here.  You shouldn't jump around...  ...when this nice woman'sholding a sharp pair of scissors.  If you move, she could slip andslice your jugular vein on accident.  There's no way to stitch the jugular.  All of your blood will be on the floorin four minutes.  I've seen this. I've done this.You don't want this.  Well, then, at least it's a good time toshave his neck. I would get him quick.  When I was your ageI already killed seven men.  Maybe you should grow up.  I promise you you won't regret.  And come back.  "Fujigawa"! I don't know that brand.It really isn't...  It's not really Fujigawa.It's Sony guts.  - Wouldn't it be better with the Sony...- Oh, no, no, no. This is what you want.  - Four-hundred fifty.- But the ad says "Sony," and "300."  No, no, no. What you going to believe,me or the ad! Four-fifty.  Hello, Going Out of Business.Can I help you!  Sony, yes. Three hundred.  Come in, yes. Very good, very good.  Hi. I represent the new ownerof this building.  Good for you. Want a birthday cake!What do you want!  Yamaha is very good.  Did you receive our letterregarding your rent!  - This I don't know.- It's being raised to 20,000 a month.  No, no, no. This is too much.  Eighty-five hundredis all we'll give you.  - This isn't negotiable. We can get...- Ten thousand, that's all.  We both go home happy.  - I'm sorry. We can't settle for less.- Okay, no deal.  You come back when youwant to deal.  - Sir, you don't understand.- Go.  What you still here for! You like me!I have girlfriend. Go.  Thank you very much.  Hey, look who's here.  Come on, not so loud.  Don't worry, Zohan.I tell you, they don't recognize you.  Yosi. This is good man.This Chocolaté Coco.  - Scrappy Coco.- Scrappy Coco.  Cooking Who-co!  Yes, yes.  So you're going out of business!  No, no, no, no. Is just a sign.Is good for business.  Yeah, so you look me up, man.That's cool.  I come for job.  Job. So you not big hairstyle!  It's not really happening for meso far.  So I am here. So let's go.  No. No job.  What do you mean!You tell me to come here.  I can no let you do this.You want to be hair homo.  No, so I do this for now.It's all yofi tofi.  Is no now.  Once you start in electronics store,you never get out.  Look at Ephraim. You see!  I don't see nothing wrong with that.It's perfect.  Ephraim came to America...  ...to be racing car driver.  But he let slip away.  I can hear it. Look. Check your ear.  Pinchas wanted to bethe next Bill Cosby.  No. Is resistant, no proof.You don't understand!  But the store kept pulling him back.  Maybe you swimming with the watch.  - I'm not swimming...- Is resistant.  Yosi wanted to be a hand model.  What, you don't like this! Look at this.This is most beautiful.  But he got too comfortable here.  Press this button, it's free HBO.  The electronics storeis a dream killer.  And I won't let the Zohankill his dream.  You are a real mensch, Oori.  You the mensch.  Come.  What! What's this!  You may not go for this,but this place cross the street...  - Yes!- They maybe take you.  - Is good place!- No, is dump, but they take you.  Is on Palestinian side of street.  Palestinian!  No, no, no.Look, nobody kill you there.  Here nobody care.  First off, no one kill me anywhere.  But Palestinian, no.  I've done enoughto my parents already.  I just want job for the Zohan.  And it kills methe way Phantom bastard...  ...getting his buttochim kissedin Palestine now.  Buttochim kissed! What's this!  He have business.  He buy wives.  Him!  They say his ugly face everywhere.  Everyone is runningTo Phantom's Chewy Muchentuchen  For the food the heroes eat  Kubeh, sambouesk,Delicious muchentuchen  You never know who you'll meet  You are going to get spoiled.  Phantom Muchentuchen!  Oh, yeah!  This month,order Muchentuchen Happy Lunch...  ... and get action figures fromPhantom Presents: Death to Zohan.  Unbelievable.  This animal gets to live his dream.But, me, l...  I can no work Palestinian, no.It's like... I can't do this.  Yes, you can.  Is your dream to cut hair.You want fight, or you want hair!  I want hair. But I'm scared.  Is America.You can do anything here.  You never done somethingpeople thought was impossible!  So you don't want to talk, huh!I'll make you talk.  I can do this.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  So you have never cut hair before.  I have cut my own hairand several dogs.  I have the Paul Mitchell book,I have the stamina, the desire...  But you have no trainingor experience.  Would you hire someonewith experience in something else!  In what!  Can anyone here do this!  Okay. I have never seen that.  That is very nice,but that is not going to help me.  No hands.  Besides, I have no openings.  If anything, I need to scale back...  ...since they just raised my rentthrough the roof.  Out of nowhere, some guy with a tiecomes in and tells me I need to pay.  Stop it!  I only wish to learn.  I will do whatever it takes.  Fine. You can sweep up haira few shifts a week.  - You won't be...- No pay.  No, no, no.But then, I will become stylist, yes!  That could be a while.  I will wait turn. You will see.  I will get nighttime job for money.  Soon the whole worldwill be silky smooth.  Zohan.  - Carmen Electra has the best tits now.- Oh, please.  Oh, my God.I wonder how much she paid for them.  They're so perky.  You know, leave it to herto buy the best tits.  It's always first class with that one.  You know you don't have to catchevery piece of hair as it falls.  Yes, I do. You deserve a perfect floor.One single hair is unacceptable.  As you were.  Yes. I got this.  "Did you seethe new Kate Hudson movie!  I think she is even more vivaciousthan her mother."  Scrappeleh, that's wonderful.Now, let's practice on Michael.  Michael!Could you come in here, please!  What! What is...!  Oh, Scrappy needs to practicesmall-talking.  Can we do this another time! I havea shot at keeping my food down.  Michael, I want to practice now.  I'm afraid I'm terrible at this.Why won't you help me!  Oh, honey.You are good at everything you do.  - Got it.- Thanks.  So you're making her silky smooth,huh, Claude!  - Framing her face!- Yeah, Scrappy. I'm framing her face.  This is smart.  A nice layered stylewith the soft bangs...  ...is good for a bigger womanlike this.  - Coco.- Takes the eyes off the moon face...  ...and brings it toward the titzim.  Coco.  I need to speak to you.  In private.  Private. A secret!  They will never get it out of me,I promise you.  Coco, Claude is trying to work.  Yes. He's very good.  So I am ready to cut hair today.So let's go, let's get it on.  No. Let's not go.  But I am the best.  Don't tell me you're the best.  - I have the desire, the stamina.- You've been here two days.  I run this place for five years.  I think I know when you are readyto cut hair.  Okay, Jeez! Get a room, you two.  No, no, no.  I do not touch thiswith your penachim.  Out of respect for the working.  No, you don't eat where you shit.  Or shit where you eat.Whatever the...  The smell is bad.  This is called a comb.  - With the fingers!- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.  - Scrappy.- I'm sorry. Here, I take your leg up.  I'm sorry about this. I'm sorry.  - Okay. All right.- I apologize.  - Take him where he wants to go.- Thank you. Okay.  - Good luck.- It will be fine.  - Your limousine has arrived, sir.- You're observant, Tyler.  Thank you, Big Mac.  I am really late for a hotel openingdowntown. The Walbridge Hotel.  I understand, sir. I know theneighborhoods inside and backwards.  - We will not let them stop us.- What!  I'm not in much of a hurry.  Oh, no.  You want some coffee back there!  No!  I will lose them.  Nobody is following us.  Oh, shit!  Have a good time, sir.  Debbie, you did a good job.  You look very bangable,Mrs. Rosen.  Mrs. Paulson, I must tell you...  ...when you first came in,you looked hideous.  There was nothing attractive.  But now, I must say,my schtitzel, it's about to burst.  - It could break these any...- What are you doing!  We are talking shop.  No. No.  - Look, Coco...- What!  You need to calm down now, okay!  I don't think these customerslike the way you talk shop.  Nobody say this.  Coco, remember,respect for the workplace.  I have betrayed my salon.  He's trying to kill himself.  - Scrappy.- I deserve this.  No, no. Just... Just...  Easy on the ladies.  I didn't mind.  Take care, Mrs. Paulson.  She did not mind.  Let me disinfect the scissors...  ...so someone elsecan make someone else silky smooth.  I'll just clean up.  Rafaela's Salon.  What! No.  Debbie, she quit.  - What!- Sorry.  Claude, did you know about this!  I should have told you.  She's been looking for a new jobsince those rent guys came around.  Then why you no say nothing,little bitch!  Don't worry,I'm not giving up on this place.  You're a good guy, habibi.I just... I don't know what to do.  So let's go.  Scrappy, I have enough problemsright now.  I not the problem. I the solution. I fix.  But if you screw up...  I can't afford a screwup right now.  No, no, no. I no screw up.I am the best for the job.  Yeah, but you push and push."When is my turn"!  I have to care about salon.  - No, no, no.- No, no, no.  You care about you. And don't fightin front of the customer.  Mrs. Skitzer,I am afraid our stylist is out today.  Would you care to wait for Claude!  Does he do hair!  He's not a regular.  Well, that's fine.  She say...I mean, only if it's okay with Dalia.  Okay.  You will not regret this decision.  Mrs. Skitzer, let's cut your hair.  Just lay back, Mrs. Skitzer.I'll take care of everything.  - Oh, thank you.- Thank you.  Sexy woman like youdeserves to be pampered.  Me, sexy! Sure.  Don't be humble.  You've got the ass and titsof a schoolgirl and you know it.  And everyone else knows this too,believe me.  Yes.  Let me get your earring off.  I love it.  Of course you do.I make you silky smooth. I tell you this.  All right, Scrappy.You can cut Debbie's clients today.  If they want you.  Thank you.  I'll get to you all soon as I'mall the way done with Mrs. Skitzer.  That all you got, Mrs. Skitzer!  Come on, baby. Go, baby. Yes. Yes.  So who's next!  Come on, Scrappy!  Thank you, dear.  - It's a lot of speakers.- Yes. Yes.  It's orgasmic.  Oh, my God.  Oh, yes!  Grab it, Scrappy!  For you. Yes.  I give this to you.  - No. I am sorry, Mr. Paul Mitchell.- Hear me out, Scrappy, please.  I'll give you stock options.I'll name a shampoo after you.  No, my loyalty is to here.I will destroy you.  I heard about this placefrom Joanne.  You have to ask for Scrappy.  Yes, is the primarycardholder present!  Excuse me!  Hello, I am callingfrom Spiegel catalogue.  Are you between the agesof 18 and 39!  We're trying to talk here.  Have you ordered from cataloguein past six months!  Could you get off the phonewhile you drive!  Hey, what's the matter!I trying to make a living, do my job.  This is your job.  This is job also.  This is not Iraq.  I am Palestine, I'm not Iraq.  And you're not getting a tip.  And you are a stupid cow.  Jeez.  - And we're done. Okay, you, skedaddle.- Thanks so much.  - I'll see you later.- All right.  I like this, the red hair.  I bet she has a pumpkin patchdown below, yes!  I don't know.  - Did you tap her tuchus?- No.  Why don't you go afterthe snatchacheem in this place!  They all want you, believe me.  Scrappy, I wouldn't be so sure.  I'm telling you,you're not picking up the signs.  Come with me.I'll show you a technique. It's beautiful.  Hello, Mrs. Haynes. How are you!You want the cut and color today!  Yes, please. Thanks.  Watch.  You see! She's going with it.It's good.  Yep.  - She has a free shoulder. Come join.- I'm good.  Mrs. Haynes,you're getting cold here.  Claude, come. Keep her warm.  Go ahead. Yes.  And gently move.Gently move the shoulder.  All you want to do is let her knowyou're here for her.  Now look awaylike you're not even doing it.  We're not doing this.  - Same rhythm.- Okay.  Push. Push. Push.  Oh, you're pushing harder.It's starting to feel good on my end.  I am trying to make moneyto start my own business, huh.  Would you say you read Spiegelonce a month, twice...  Would you just get usto the hair salon!  We're gonna miss our appointment.  I curse you, and I curse your hair.  What is big dealabout this hair place anyway!  They get worse every year.  Okay, we'll take them to the truck.We'll just talk to them. But we'll find a...  Did you throw this shoe at me,my friend!  No!  Sure looks like it was you.  Then who threw it!  Okay. You're lucky I'm in good mood.I'll let you off the hook.  Nobody spits on me.  Thank you for the goat, my friend.  Yes.  Goat!  Goat.  Goat!  Goat!  Goat.  I said, "Can we have the receipt!"  Yes. Die in hell.  Welcome.  We'll color your hair Bling-BlingBlond. This is what you need.  You know what else they go for!  The... I don't know what you have,but mine is the biggest.  This...It does not get bigger than this.  It's enormous. Scary. I mean:  What!  I have the biggest. It's the biggest.  Take a look at this.  Look.  - It's not that big.- It's not that...!  No, no, no. The bush.  The bush is the biggest.  And the girls like thisbecause it's cushion.  It is no bullshaklaga. He is the one.I never forget a face.  So, what do you want I do!  Wait. I conference you.  Hello!  Nasi, emergency meeting.You're on with Hamdi as well.  - Hello, Nasi.- Hello, Hamdi.  Can you believehow much they pay Delgado!  Yes. Why Mets do this!  This is serious. We meet!  I explain why is emergency.  This is not just manwho take my goat.  - Zohan Dvir.- Yes.  Everyone think Phantom kill him.  Phantom not kill him.  We will capture,then make trade with Israel.  We will be heroes.  But, Salim, we are not Jihadim. Wedon't know for sure that this is him.  Let's call Hamas, Hezbollah.Let them handle this.  - Leave it to the pros.- No.  Hezbollah shmezbollah.  Hezbollah will take all the credit.This is our shot.  Why not let Phantom capture him!  Screw Phantom. He hero already.  Where's my chainof muchentuchen restaurants!  Salim, don't make thisabout yourself.  This is about me.  And about him.  And about my goat!  Come on, let's go!  This is nice,the walking inside the outside.  The park, the people,the horses, the kid.  Well, you're always downtown.  You should seea little more of New York.  Yes, yes, this is good.  The talking is good...  ...to get to know each otherbefore the bang-boom. I like.  Oh, no, no, no.There will be no bang-booming.  I just wanted to thank youfor saving my business.  - This isn't a date.- No, no, no.  I feel you have helped me so much...  The right thing to dois to tap you so hard...  ...my schtitzel will come outyour poopech. That's what I think.  Look, why don't wejust enjoy the park!  No, no, no. This is what we do.  Hey, look, softball.  - You like softball!- Of course, I love softball.  What is softball! Teach me how to.  I learned softballwhen I came to the States.  When you're Arab, it helps to fit in.  Yeah, how long you move here ago!  Just a few years ago.  I couldn't take it there anymore.All the hate, on both sides.  Yes, especially yours.  Why you say this! You don't know.  No, no, I don't. I read this.  The Australian-Tibet mediais very biased.  Look, both sides crazy.  My own family...  My brother...  ...if he knew I work cross streetfrom Israelis, he would lose it.  - Really!- You have the hardcores on both sides.  They just want to fight and fight.  Nobody will win this way.It has to stop.  When will it end, eh! Yes.  Okay, so you must be thirsty, no!  Here.  Where you get this!  This! From specialty shopon West Side.  This Middle Eastern drink.You know this! Fizzy Bubblech!  No, no, no. It looks pretty good.  Oh, try, try. It's very good.Try, have a sip.  It's not for me.  No! Really!  This is his shop.  Here is photo for compare.  For how long this take!I close the newsstand.  Make sure you ask himif he ever hit by shoe.  And about the prize goatthat can fetch a bowl of onion soup.  Look in his eyes when youask him this, for they will be suffering.  - You know, I just got haircut.- Go.  Look at this. I feel like Hugh Hefnerwith all you little bunnies around here.  Okay, okay,let's see who is going next.  "Jorge Posada," where are you!  That's me.  Okay, good-looking guy,you take a seat there. You're next.  You know, you look likeyou already just got haircut.  No, no.  So I guessing you're looking forsomething in the silky smooth area!  - Well...- Because I see you have nice curls.  You don't want tocut into those curls.  We will talk about this over there.  Okay, Scrappy, I wait.  Is not like I have a shoe to throw.  Sure. Yes. Beautiful. Whatever.  I don't have time to go watcha goat fetch soap.  - What!- What! I don't know.  Listen, my friend...  ...you want to talk, it's good,but you have to wait your turn.  First I have to cut and bangMrs. Greenhouse.  - That's right.- Okay.  Well, I'm ready for it.  Oh, dear.  I am sorry, Mrs. Greenhouse.I am not man enough for you today.  Oh, Scrappy, it's fine.  I don't know what the problem is.I am going to lose business.  Oh, no, dear. You're still adorable.  The screwingwas really just a bonus.  You are an angel, Mrs. Greenhouse.  An angel with a magic throat.  Oh, Scrappy!  No, that could work.One more, please.  Let's see what we got.  And we're still nothing.  Well!  He was very cool.  Idiot. What did he say!  He think I have nice curlsthat go well with a full face.  - But was it him!- Well, it looked like him.  But hard to know.  I tell you this: he didn't seem to carewhen I talk about goat fetching soap.  Soup. The goat fetched soup.You ruin everything.  Soup! This makes no sense.  Screw you. It's him. I know it's him.  The goat fetched soup!This is unbelievable.  Go to hell.  You said it was urgent!  It's an emergency.Please, take a look.  Yes, yes.  Well, that's not a real problem.You can always shave it.  No, not the bush.  No, inside the bush.Look deeper. Him.  - I see.- He lays in there all day long.  Maybe it needs some more oxygen.It looks like it's being strangled.  So the Palestinian says to the priest:  "Okay, but let's skip the bath."  Why, are they not clean!  No, is good joke.  Honey, are you all right!You've been in there for over an hour.  What is this stuff! I mean, I took onesip and I repainted the whole toilet.  Is Fizzy Bubblech.You'll get used to it, relax.  I don't wanna get used to it.My car couldn't.  - All right, that's it for me. I'm done.- What! What!  Is everything all right!  - Is it about the pee-pee!- Stop it.  - The pee-pee!- He can't do with his peepeechosetz.  Really!He's usually as hard as trigonometry.  - Mom. What...!- When did this happen!  The last few days.  Of course. It's ever sinceyou went out with that Dalia.  Your hog is telling you something.She must be the one.  The one!  Is this possible!  Of course it's possible, man.  All the beaverim in the worldand he falls for Palestinian muffich.  Why should Scrappy careif she's Palestinian!  He's from Australia and Tibet.He's not Israeli.  - No, no, no.- Oh, no, no, no.  Exactly.  What was that, a motor boat!  You know, Scrappy...  ...a special woman is specialno matter where she's from.  Listen to your hog.  Someone special.  Maybe is good.  It's good! It's terrific!  I mean, you know,you guys won't be together anymore...  ...but Scrappy is in love.That's great, awesome.  Thank you for your support.  - Is a good boy.- Good boy.  This is fun. Let's celebrate.Where's the cat!  Let's cat-sack, huh! Throw it to me.  - Got you.- Let's play, man.  Take it, Michael.  Look at you.  I wanna try it.  Is good.  Welcome to Hezbollah phone line.  For membership information,press one.  For negotiation update, press two.  For bonus mile information,press three.  For terrorist supplies, press four.  We have currently suspendedour terrorist supply service...  ... as we are engagedin negotiations with Israel.  We will resume service as soon asnegotiations break down. Thank you.  Great.  Come on. Just think of a bomb.  They say you can make bomb fromeveryday's material. You combine.  Yes, okay.But what we combination!  Just think of chemicals.  Chemicals, like in science class.  Yes.  Who remembers this stuff!  Hello.  Well, can I help you fellasfind anything!  Yes, do you have...  ..."liquid nitrogen."  You need what!  Liquid nitrogen.  Yeah. Well, I supposewe have some of that.  Now, just a moment.  - This is it!- Yes, and that's the large container.  This works!  Oh, it works quite well. Yes.  You use!  From time to time. Sure.  We'll take 12.  Look, you can turn off the water...  ...but we will find a wayto keep on going.  Oh, you like when I spray you,Mrs. Skitzer!  Where's the $ 14,000!  I have your rent right here.There is no getting rid of me.  We don't wanna get rid of you.  Mr. Walbridge would actually like torelocate your salon in our new mall.  You mean the one you want to destroythis community to build!  It is not our intentto destroy this community.  I'll take the community, Pancake.  My name is Gray, and I'll be back.  Nice to meet you, Pancake.  Why Pancake!  Just for fun.  You were amazing right there.  Oh, my God.  What!  I have one.  What!  I have zikpah.  Look at it.  It is you.  Dalia, I don't know how to tell you this.I cannot make sticky with anyone else.  You are the special one.  I will only be stiff for you.  Who is Steve!  Stiff, with an F.  - Stiff. Stiff.- Yes.  Okay...  ...I know you meant thatin a good way...  The best of ways.  - so thank you.  Thank you.  Is crazy.  This has never happened.  One woman...  ...one zikpah...  ...one life.  You see his face!Scared Israeli son of bitch.  Salim, this is not bomb.  What you mean "not bomb"!  It's grade A liquid nitrogen.  Guys, I really need to go home.  Inaz have a soccer matchin the morning.  - I am hero.- Salim, this not bomb. It just go:  Well, just go with it.  I scraped some off the window.  Maybe you know what is!  It's Neosporin, it's nothing.I use it for cuts and genital sores.  We're beginning to thinkmaybe someone out to get the Zo...  The Scrappy.  You mean like a competing salon!That's heavy.  Don't be afraid, honey.Don't be afraid.  Well, I...  Yeah, lick this.No, she likes the tongue in the ear.  Oh, I like that bet... Oh, I like that.  Close with the brenski.  Come on, get some salivaon those bad boys.  - She likes it, huh!- Of course she likes it.  Okay.  I could look for clues. It's my shiftfor community night watch.  The what!The communism tight crotch!  Oh, it's the communitynight watch program.  You know, people in the neighborhoodpatrolling it, keeping it safe.  We kick some ass.  Hey, why don't you let Scrappy Cocotake your shift tonight!  - I bet he'd be good at this.- Oori.  What! For clues.  I know it sounds scary, Scrappy,but you are gonna be just fine.  Maybe I can manage one night.  Maybe you can pretzel some people.  - Thank you for getting the hummus.- The hummus.  Where's Patches!  Patches.  I'm terrified right now.I'm totally terrified.  "Shitting my pants"doesn't come close.  I wish I was shitting my pants.  It's just a patrol.  What if something goes down!  I don't know if I'd have the courage.  What if something goes downand someone got killed!  I would have to live with that.I'd be happier shitting my pants.  Much happier.  - Let's go.- We're supposed to call the police.  No. No time.  No, no. No. It's good.  Drop the paint.  Get out of here, Ahab,or I'll cut your eyes out.  - Maybe we should let him finish.- No, no, no.  What you cut my eyes out with!The Neosporin!  My blade, camel jockey.  My friend, the beating I give youif you stop the spraying...  ...is much less than the beatingI give you if you try to cut me.  What are you laughing at!  That was just with everyone.  They had it coming to them, right!  Yeah. Yeah, it seemed like it. Yeah.  - Okay, you take it from here.- I got it.  Everything's gonna be okay.  What you gotta say about that, huh!  You're telling meour guys can't handle...  ...some neighborhoodnight-watching losers!  We can't even put a scareinto these people!  The main guy who got in the way...  ...is the same one who's bringingold biddies into Rafaela Salon.  My aunt goes there.  She says besides the sex,the guy gives a pretty good haircut.  Don't talk to me about that dump.  I've got a huge,classy hotel standing there...  ...and it's staringat that cheap garbage.  I want it staring at the Supercuts.  Now, has anyone made any headwaywith any of these foreign people!  I spoke to the manager of GoingOut Of Business again yesterday.  I stated our priceand the urgency of the matter...  ...and he offered me two-thirds lessand a Toshiba DVD player.  The people at Everything Must Gowere just as difficult.  They offered me a Blu-ray discand a jar of hummus.  What's hummus!  It's a very tasty...  ...diarrhea-like substance.  Grant Walbridge has a vision.  A vision for Lower Manhattanto have the first indoor mall...  ...with its own 300-footroller coaster.  You know, you're lucky I havea world-class superhot girlfriend...  ...with a perfectly proportionedass-to-breast ratio...  ...or I'd be furious.  She is smoking, sir.  I'd payto spend an hour with her, sir.  Let me in on that.  Well, thank you.  But if you bitchescan't get those people out...  ...I will find other peoplewho will get the job done.  However, whenever.  Walbridge!  This is where I find them.  But I don't know if it's same peoplewho try to Neosporin salon.  But you caught them writing this crap,so, what do you do!  - You don't mess with the Zohan.- Check it.  - Disco.- Disco.  - Good.- Good.  Why did you do thisto Naseef's store, huh!  Why you blame the Israelis!  We come to work,go out of business.  No, no, no.Is not Israeli who do this.  I do community watch.Don't worry, it's all taken care of.  Not Israeli! Who else would write"Arab go home"!  Oh, I don't know,just maybe 99 percent of the world.  - You see what he says!- That was joke.  Come on, come on.You guys get along here, stop this.  Yeah, here it's okay. It's just there,the war is never going to end.  You know, we were so close to peacebefore the asshole shot Rabin.  Bush, he see the big picture.  Bush no want peace,he set it all back.  What about Bush's wife!This is a wife I would get sticky with.  I would do this. I would do this.  - Yes, yes.- What about Clinton! I would do Hillary.  The big legs.  Yeah, she look strict,like she's going to teach me a lesson.  - Yes, discipline.- You know what's funny!  I like Chelsea.  You're crazy.  She has beautiful legs.  If I want legs, I'll take Obama's wife.She has legs.  This is what happenswhen they talk politics.  No, no, no, wife of McCain!  She has the ass,and you know she's not getting any.