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achillieus · 3 years

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let you down. (sebastian stan x reader)

summary: it's a universal truth but it's worth repeating; feelings eat us raw. or just an actor and a girl falling in and out of love over the course of three months.

(this was inspired by sebastian's visit to greece for his movie, monday, and is based on that, so that means in the story we’re in 2018. also i have this posted on ao3 too but while i’m writing the last parts i thought of posting it here too)

pairing: sebastian stan x reader

warnings: alcohol, sexual references, implied depression, sebastian desperately needs to hug the reader, it's kinda slowburn because i love the yearning

(pinterest inspired board)

part: 1/6

(other parts) (masterlist)

The day it happened, it wasn't a significant meeting at all, you barely even talked. In fact, when he opened the door of your neighbor’s flat that day with a beer in his right hand and his hair messy, he didn't have any effect on you. You always knew that living next to a director meant that sooner or later you’d bump into the pretty faces of well-known people. Sure, you didn’t expect them to be Hollywood actors like him, but to say you were starstruck by the man, would be the overstatement of the year.

The building you’ve lived in for the last three years has five floors; you live in the 4th, he lives in the 5th. He’s a quiet person, usually spending his evenings out of his apartment. You’ve talked sometimes, about the weather and the weird lady that lives in the 1st floor. You’ve never told him you find his directing style a little pretentious.

You’ve never been to his place until that annoyingly warm August evening, when you find a white button up shirt on your balcony. You can clearly see more clothing when you look up and you’re certain the item you’re holding belongs to him.

He’s not there though. Instead you find a different face behind the door. Lighter eyes and darker hair. The man in front of you is definitely younger than the director. You don’t bother to notice what he’s wearing.

“Can I help you?” His voice is deeper than you expected. Stronger, with a touch of European accent. The sound of English surprises you at first but soon you realize he must be another foreign coworker that came to visit your neighbor

“No, I just think Argyris dropped this and it ended up on my floor.”

He looks at you and then at the shirt, in your hands.

Then he says “Sure, I’ll take it.”

“Okay.”

Then it ends. He doesn’t even ask your name. You don’t have to ask his. You figure out, as soon as you walk down the stairs, that it’s Sebastian Stan that you just talked to.

And while being a big fan of marvel movies, you think nothing special of him at first. You just wonder how a mostly unknown director from Greece got an actor like Sebastian to come here so they can work together. It makes no sense to you, but you forget it when your phone starts ringing.

It would’ve been easier if you never saw him again, yet you do. You see him trying to understand what the old lady from the first floor is trying to tell him. You already know. The elevator is not working. The next day you see him walking up the stairs.

You exchange a quick hello, how are you and then off you both go.

The same night Argyris invites you to have a drink with them in the terrace. Part of you wants to just stay in bed and binge watch some Sherlock episodes. Part of you already thinks of what to wear.

There are around ten people there when you show up. They’re all sitting down in huge pillows drinking and talking loudly. You don’t know most of them.

You sit next to a blonde girl, across from Sebastian. This time you notice he’s wearing a plain black shirt and holds a glass of whiskey.

You don’t share any direct conversations but you learn that he’s afraid of growing old and that he thinks Taxi Driver is one fucking masterpiece, as he says.

When you mention that you’re probably the least artistic person in the room right now, you hear him laugh.

A curly haired woman starts dancing with him at some point. You decide he’s not a good dancer.

He leaves the same time you do, following you down the stairs.

“I thought you live here.” You say when he doesn’t stop at the floor you expect him to.

“Ah no, I stay at a hotel near the centre.”

He keeps talking about his suite until you reach your door.

You part in a blur, with a short goodbye.

He still doesn’t ask for your name.

It makes you feel genuinely offended.

Two days after, he is the farthest thing from your mind, until you find him sitting in front of your door, his eyes roaming the place with despair. And then he sees you.

“Ah finally you are here.” He starts casually. “Thank god.”

You just nod.

“Argyris told me to wait for him with you. We had a meeting but he got stuck in traffic.”

You give him a look.

“He said you’re always at home so you won’t mind.”

Ouch. Yeah sure, your social life wasn’t something to brag about but for some reason the way Sebastian said it, it sounded like an insult.

“Okay, come in.” You shrug, clearly not feeling comfortable and turn around to unlock the door.

You hear him call your name. You thought he didn’t know.

“Yes?”

He offers you an easy smile. “Thank you.”

Sitting in your couch he’s eyeing the entire room, while you put some groceries in the fridge.

“Argyris says you’re a great girl.” He clears his throat. “But he thinks you’re too quiet for your own good.”

You look at him, your eyes flicking up and down his face.

“And from what I can tell, he’s right.” You hear him laugh.

It felt weird to see him laugh while he was leaning back at your cozy pillow. He had entered your life so suddenly you didn’t even have time to react to it.

“I’m sorry but I barely know you.” Your words are sharp. He sits up.

“Okay then let’s get to know each other, what’s your favorite Disney princess?”

Defeated, you laugh. “Are you kidding me?”

“No, this is an important question.”

You wait for him to crack up but then you remember he’s an actor.

“I don’t know.” You think for a second. “Mulan?”

“Oh my god. Mulan is amazing.” You smile at him. “My favorite is Jasmine, she’s just so badass.”

You share your favorites that day, having almost nothing in common rather than your everlast love for animated movies and buttered popcorn.

When it’s time for him to leave, he stops and looks at you in the eye.

“You should talk more often.”

You stare at him with confusion. “I talk,” you raise your eyebrows. “When I have something to say.”

“Good.” he says, still looking.

Later in the evening, you’re eating some yoghurt when he comes knocking on your door.

He’s different. The white tank top he was wearing this morning is replaced with a dark shirt and his face looks tired. You assume they’ve been working since he went upstairs.

“Hiii”, he says dragging the i, “Am I interrupting anything?”

You desperately want to nod. You want to tell him that you were doing the most exciting thing in the world, before he came but you were never a good liar.

So you just tilt your head and take a step back.

That’s when he enters and is met with some loud rock music blaring from your laptop.

“You like AC/DC?” he asks, almost wide-eyed.

“Well, I can tell it’s them when I hear their stuff.” For the first time that day, he seems to be in loss of words. “Why are you so surprised?”

He sits in the same spot in the couch as earlier and laughs.

“I just didn’t take you for the kind of girl who likes this music.” It’s your turn to laugh.

“Why?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. Quiet girl who loves animated films and eats kids’ yoghurt” he looks at the carton in your kitchen table, “and also likes metal music? Doesn’t add up.”

“We’ve basically just met; you shouldn’t make assumptions about me.”

“Fair enough.” He sits back, fidgeting with his fingers.

You take some time just looking at him

There was a certain vibe about that man that made you wonder how it’d feel to cruise down a dessert highway in a convertible mustang with him. In the summer. With him wearing that white tank top.

The color of strawberries emerges at your cheeks just at the thought of it.

You wish he doesn’t notice.

You’re glad to find him looking the other way, before he speaks up.

“We’re going out tonight.” His voice is warm now. “Argyris says you should come along, even though I’m quite sure there’s no hardcore music where we’re going.” He laughs again.

I can’t. You almost say. But then anxiety slips away from you and out of sudden you want him to stop being so freaking arrogant, going around and acting like he knows exactly what kind of person you are.

He thinks you’ll say no. You can see it in his eyes.

“Sure, when should I be ready?” you say, surprising both of you.

He looks at you for some time and then trying to hide whatever he was thinking he says the first thing on his mind.

“How old are you?” He sounds pitiful. He knows. He wishes he could hit a wall; with his head.

“Twenty-one.” His eyes scan yours, unsure of what they’re looking for. “Why?”

“No reason.”

He inhales deep.

You try to blink. You’re at a party in a little bar you’ve never been before and a lot of people are wearing black. Alcohol. You can still taste it on the back of your tongue. You don’t remember how you end up pressed against a dark skinned man, but you can tell he smells of cigarettes and despair.

You sway your body to the beat, close your eyes. Breath in. And out. You think the music deafens you for a second but you open your lids and see Sebastian and he’s watching you, unashamed.

He’s not that far, though it feels like it with countless bodies in the way. The music melts. His gaze is almost angelic. Or devious. You can’t really tell.

He’s dancing with that curly haired woman again. You wonder how intimate their relationship is.

The red neon lights make his skin glisten. His muscles move divinely. It makes you think there’s an entire world inside him, his flesh barely keeping it hidden. Out of sudden you get the urge to walk towards him. You want to see him up close under this dim lighting. But you don’t move.

The man that’s groping your waist asks for your name. You tell him you need to flee. He doesn’t understand.

You sit outside with the sweet summer breeze touching your bare arms. The bass of the music in the background syncs with the beating of your heart. You can feel your ribs grow with every breath you take. Until you stop breathing because the door opens and his eyes suffocate you.

You can’t fathom the effect he has on you. He was a pretty face on screen some days ago. But right now he steals distance and stays near you.

You don’t look his way. He doesn’t say a word. Nicotine and smoke surround you as he exhales. His fingers hold the cigarette butt with care.

“Do you want some?”

You turn to look at him.

“I don’t smoke.” He laughs.

“That doesn’t mean you don’t want some.”

You want to know if his breath has the taste of sulfur. You want to pretend it’s the alcohol or the loud music that makes your head hurt.

“What’s the best part of being an actor?” The blue in his eyes glows.

There’s silence but he seems to be thinking about it.

“Do you ever feel things too much?” He says, his voice hoarse. “I mean, when you feel something so intensely it becomes a part of who you are.”

You nod. You understand.

“Acting allows you to let go of these feelings,” he starts. “You share the burden with the audience until it becomes light and you can hold it again.”

You look at him, shaking your head.

“I don’t think I could that,” you close your eyes. “I don’t think I could share what I feel so easily.”

He stands up. The wind hits you again.

“A lot people can’t. That’s why everyone is heartbroken,” he takes a breath, “Feelings eat us raw.”

You both go to bed alone that night. Tomorrow there is a hole next to you.

the morning after, search history

(02:45 PM) hangover recovery

(03:00 PM) best food after a hangover

(03:10 PM) sebastian stan

(03:30 PM) sebastian stan girlfriend

(06:00 PM) xanax side effects

You follow him on Instagram. He doesn’t follow you back. You remember he probably gets tons of followers every day and decide not to let it bother you. Instead you study for the exams of the following month.

The subject of your studies doesn’t interest you. Another poor decision you made under pressure. Sometimes you feel as if your life is borrowed from someone else. Sometimes you feel as if you haven’t found your home yet.

Feelings eat us raw.

His girlfriend looks beautiful in the pictures you find online. The media isn’t certain if they’re still together but you like to think so. It makes it easier to avoid him.

But the universe seems to be oblivious to your thoughts and you see him that same day. You’re taking the garbage out and he’s coming down from the top floor. You meet in the elevator.

“I’m glad to see you’re still alive,” his eyes are smiling as he talks “you looked kinda drunk last night.”

You fidget with the hem of the bag you’re holding.

“I wasn’t drunk.” You notice he’s growing some stubble. You’re not sure you like it.

“Whatever you say, doll.” You bite your cheek trying to devour any sign that might give away how his words make you flinch.

He turns his body a little so now you’re facing each other. He’s so pretty. He’s so pretty in a way that doesn’t hurt. You try not to stare at him, but you fail sometimes. You’ve never noticed how slow the elevator moves until you want to get out. You can’t stand being so close to him for much longer.

He’s an arrogant rich actor who loves Disney and smokes a lot, you think. I have no reason to be affected by him.

“Ah! Argyris said we’re leaving for the weekend.” You eye him curiously. “He wants to show us some small villages in the south. He thinks we should get to know the country a little more before we start.”

You’re stunned by your neighbor’s dedication to his work. Sometimes you wish you had something you could be passionate about too. Sometimes you think you’re never going to find it.

“That’s great. I’m sure you’ll like it.” You give him a smile.

He leans his back at the wall. The elevator stops. Finally.

“I like your eyes.” You grab tight onto the bag. “But they don’t smile when you do.”

He opens the door and he’s gone.

They tell you that it’s fun to meet a famous person. They tell you, you can ask for a photo and a hug. They tell you celebrities don’t talk a lot but that doesn’t mean they’re rude.

But he’s not like that.

He’s fire. He’s burning heat and scorching flames. His words are his thoughts; raw. You don’t like it.

late night search history

(00:38 AM) blue valentine movie soundtrack

(01:15 AM) is sebastian stan a bad person

(01:30 AM) acting classes for amateurs

(01:50 AM) cheap leather boots

(02:10 AM) sebastian stan eyes

You find it annoying; how he’s present even when you’re alone.

Thankfully he’s leaving for the weekend, you think.

The weekend, however, is two days away.

You think you can get away without seeing him. And you do. Until it’s late at night again. And they’re all upstairs with music so loud you’re certain the lady on the first floor is going to be rude about it in the morning.

The music tempo has you unaffected. All you think about is if he’s dancing with that woman again.

He’s such a bad dancer, he should not be dancing.

There’s a subtle knock on your door. You know it’s him. You hope you’re wrong.

“Do you feel like dancing?” His face is all flustered. It’s a good look on him.

“You can’t come knocking on my door at 2 AM and ask me to dance.” His gaze is filled with confusion.

“So you don’t feel like dancing?” You roll your eyes. He notices.

“That’s not the point Sebastian.” It’s the first time you call him by his name. You let it slip away slowly, testing the way it sounds coming out of your mouth.

He takes a step closer. You are suddenly aware of your pyjama shorts and your exposed skin.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to irritate you.” His eyes are the cliché blue of the sky. “I just thought you might want to dance, that’s all.”

Suddenly you feel guilty and embarrassed. He’s oblivious to it.

For a moment you feel his eyes linger on you. It feels surreal.

You nod at him.

He’s ready to say something when Argyris comes down the stairs, his shirt slightly unbuttoned.

“Ah man, I thought you got lost or something.” You lower your eyes. “Stop messing with the poor girl. People are looking for you.”

He throws a smile at you and Sebastian takes a quick breath.

“People are always looking for me.”

He gives away that he’s carrying a burden. Your expression softens. But then you look at Argyris and you see he doesn’t really pay attention to these words.

You share a quick look before you’re there standing alone at your doorstep, trying to grasp the idea of him.

When you wake up you feel like running. You can’t fathom where the feeling comes from but it starts like a liquid running down your veins and soon you can’t stay in bed even for a second.

Feelings eat us raw. Only if you let them.

i really appreciate feedback, it motivates me tons and also tell me if you’d like to be tagged in this six part story :)

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan x you #sebastian stan imagine #monday the movie #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #letyoudown

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acrookedmouth · 2 years

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hello, old friends

So, um, what's up? Been awhile since I used this blog. Or this website, even. You might not remember me. In some ways I hope you don't--it would save me the embarrassment of having to be compared to my younger self. Did you know I got my first Tumblr account in 2008? I was sixteen and in high school and worked part time at a mall HMV in downtown Ottawa. My url was chosen from a lyric in a Johnny Flynn song from his first album which I listened to almost every day that whole summer. A few summers after that I started watching Supernatural (2005-2020 god bless r.i.p. etc.) and everything kind of spiralled on from there.

You probably knew me under the name dirtyovercoats if you followed me back then, maybe even on that original blog before it got deleted by admin in 2014 for posting one too many Frightened Rabbit songs (r.i.p.). I was in a bad place mentally when that happened and still only freshly out in the world at 22, so I'm gonna be real with you when I say that whole ordeal kind of ruined my relationship with the site for a long time. When I first logged in the other day to revamp this blog space, I was amused and amazed to discover the last time I'd actually used it was in 2018.

(An excellent post to go out on though, I do say.)

I knew it had to be 2018, instinctually, by the declaration of my age alone, "26." In only a few weeks I'll be 30, which I have now discovered, nearly being there, only feels insane because of how young you still also feel when it happens. It's actually pretty exciting!

Don't get me wrong, a lot's happened in the interim to make me grow up a bit more. I went to grad school, and the first wave of covid hit. I went on mental health leave from grad school, and the second wave of covid hit. I started HRT, I returned to grad school, made a thesis about being queer and trans, and then the third wave of covid hit. I got a job at an art store, got vaccinated twice, quit said job at the art store after one too many crying breakdowns in the basement, graduated with a MFA, and fourth wave of covid hit. And I think that's about where we're at now, plus or minus a few waves and hits and, recently, plus a booster.

I think we've all been pretty traumatized by the world these last few years, but at the very pathetic, putrid least I can't say it hasn't pushed me to do a lot of... growing, shall we say, emotionally speaking. Spiritually, maybe, though I am an atheist. Certainly existentially. Most importantly, I discovered weed, and ifkyk, you know. Sherlock Holmes got it and understood.

And so here we are! I kinda thought I might be ready to step out into the world again. I wish I had been ready sooner, but what's done is done is done. Once I finished grad school I kind of realised that as gruelling the experience of having covid hit half way through your research project sometimes (often) was, it also made me far more confident in myself as an artist, writer, and general creative person, which, in the end, was what I had wanted for myself all along.

I'm sharing this here with you all here because I like honesty and because I wanted to re-introduce myself, regardless if you knew me then or are only knowing me for the first time reading this right now. My name's still Anna, despite being an AFAB trans person taking testosterone and using they/them pronouns, because I love that name and nothing else has ever felt so right for me or felt so much like it was the same colour as my soul. It's also a palindrome, which I've always really liked for pure aesthetic reasons, and I'm happily quite vain that way. I'm explaining this in very simple, straightforward terms because people sometimes get confused by the idea of a transmasc person still using a traditionally "feminine" name. But the thing is part of the wonder of being trans for me is not having to cater to heteronormative restrictions or categories anymore, which, like many trans people intimately know, is in practice actually a very difficult thing to do! I've given myself permission to be free of them, but it's a choice only I can make for myself, consciously, and sometimes with great effort. It's hard, and it shouldn't be this hard, but no matter how difficult it is it's also kind of wonderful, because it is absolutely worth it, in the end, to actually see in your future a way for you to be happy.

This is all to say! I think I'm getting there, or on the way there, sometimes. It's more than I've had in awhile. And it's new and good and I want to keep it going. Which is why I've come to face one of my last great fears: the big blue. It's been awhile, so I'm sure it'll take some time catching up. I kind of went crazy and razed the post archive of this account to the ground, to give myself a real chance to start fresh. Cowardly, maybe, but also it was 2AM and I'd had two edibles and was bored from literally waiting for some paint to dry in my studio (my bedroom floor).

Which brings me to the VERY LAST THING I promise: I kind of wanted to start posting art here again. And other stuff who knows; I've come to embrace the fact that I have little discipline or inclination for a real schedule. I'll see you again soon ❤️.

#baby's first post

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fu-yao · 3 years

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tagged by @leonzhng thanks for making me dig through my most embarrassing crushes 😭✋

i’ll tag @highwarlockkareena @yibobibo @lan-xichens @purplexedhuman @aheartfullofjolllly @lanzhansmiles @nyx4 i feel like i tag you guys in everything i am so sorry please ignore this if u don’t wanna do it !!

putting this under a read more for reasons

MEN 2010 – 2016

literally nothing more embarrassing than falling on the same type of white man over and over again (with the exception of minho from shinee bless his heart)

tommy joe ratliff → he was the bass player for adam lambert during his glamnation era (think of songs like for your entertainment and if i had you) idk why exactly i liked him so much but i just did.... however i searched him up again quite recently and found out he’s one of those republicans that says the dumbest shit on twitter so Big Yikes

harry styles → “baby you light up my world like nobody else, the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed, and when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell...” and BOOM 13-year-old me was sold for well over two years

louis tomlinson → basically i liked harry most until around 2013 when for some reason i started to like him a little less, and i got more focused on louis tomlinson, and although i didn’t like one direction anymore louis tomlinson always had a special place in my heart

ashton irwin → so ashton is 5sos’ drummer, i discovered 5sos through one direction & i stanned them until late 2014

harries twins → the harries twins (jack & finn) are basically the reason i started spending a lot of time on youtube, they were funny and pretty and they just had good videos in general, so for almost two years i’d watch their content regularly

choi minho → my first steps into kpop happened bc i was watching videos on youtube (most probably the harries twins) and suddenly i saw the sherlock mv in my recommended videos so i clicked on it and then 14-year-old me proceeded to fall for minho like an idiot

brooks twins → still youtubers, the brooks twins were 3/5 of the janoskians (jai & luke brooks, beau brooks, daniel sahyounie, & james yammouni), an australian youtube comedy group that was active from 2011-2018 though i was only around from 2012-2014 (when jai brooks was dating ariana grande)

jc caylen → surprise! another youtuber! jc caylen was part of o2l (our2ndlife) a youtube collaboration channel on which each of the 6 members posted videos on a certain day in the week (mondays with connor, tuesdays with ricky, wednesdays with sam, thursdays with jc, fridays with trevi (my 2nd favorite member bc she participated on the x factor), saturdays with ricardo, and then they had surprise sundays every week) and i remember how much joy jc & the others always brought me with their silly videos

misha collins → up next, you might know him as the gay angel that was sent to superhell after confessing his love to the homophobic hunter on supernatural, it’s misha collins! basically misha was a huge source of comfort for me, and i even went around calling myself emmisha for almost two full years (cringe)

henrik holm → he played even bech naesheim in skam and my crush on him reached that level of ridiculousness where i actually tried my hand at learning norwegian (i can only remember how to introduce myself and some curse words i would make a great first impression on him)

MEN 2016 – 2021

min yoongi → okay so my baby steps into kpop happened through shinee’s sherlock, but i only got really invested when yoongi dropped agust d 1 because Holy Fuck y’know??

kim namjoon → oh man i remember thinking namjoon was cute and a very good leader and then BAM he dressed like THAT at the 2016 mma’s and i fell in love. hard

park seojoon → i started liking park seojoon whilst i was watching hwarang (you guessed it, i watched it bc of taehyung), although he wasn’t my favorite character by far, but he was very silly off camera & i liked that (i’m not that into him anymore tho </3)

kim seokjin → OH BOY LET ME TELL U i liked seokjin from the very beginning (i got to know bts in late 2014) and i always liked seeing him perform and be himself and god once i realized i had a crush on him it just hit me like a mf truck, and he’s still one of my favorite people to this day

jung hoseok → god fake love era hoseok really hits different.... also yes i know i have all of bts’ hyung line on my list BUT bts was a really big part of my life for almost 6 years soooo honestly they deserve it i still think they’re great guys

choi san → when ateez made their debut in 2018 i immediately fell in love with san, he was such an amazing dancer and he captivated me right from the very beginning, to this day he’s still my bias in ateez uwu

xiao zhan → AND THEN, OCTOBER OF 2019 HAPPENS AND I WATCH CQL AND... i fall in love with xiao zhan, something i’d never expected would happen bc when i watched cql for the first time i wasn’t as invested in the story, but i really really really liked xiao zhan and one thing led to another and now here i am as a xfx

wang yibo → the thing is, i’ve known yibo since eoeo except i didn’t know cql yibo was uniq yibo (bc i’d forgotten his name) and when i looked it up i can tell you my jaw dropped to the floor bc holy shit????? also he is very silly and i love him loads ok

lee minho → ah, the man who has been my skz bias since 2018, not only is minho my bias i also kin him (there’s a lot of aspects of myself that i see in minho and vice versa) and he’s very comforting to me

bang chan → honestly, it was only a matter of time before i’d fall for bang chan, i knew the moment i got into skz again that i’d start biasing him and, well, here i am, double biasing chan & minho

WOMEN

this list is shorter bc i’ve in general always had less crushes on women than on men??? blame society forcing me into thinking i was straight for a LONG time

ariana grande → remember the 2011 layout of twitter?? where u could not only have an icon and a header, but also a background and ur twitter page was smack in the center of ur screen with the big ugly menu bar at the top??? yeah ariana grande was always my background for my l*rr* st*l*n*s*n layouts

perrie edwards → this was right around the time she was dating zayn & little mix was breaking out into the spotlight, yeah i just really loved her

andrea russett → okay so remember o2l?? andrea russett was kian’s girlfriend for a pretty long time and they always did videos together and i always thought she was super pretty

lily collins → maybe i don’t like clary in tmi all that much but i sure liked the way lily collins looked

alona tal → MY BISEXUAL AWAKENING, it’s only when i saw alona tal in spn that i realized, fuck i might be gay

park jihyo → i discovered twice (my 2nd jype group after day6) through the like ooh-ahh mv and red-haired jihyo really did something to my heart (i just rewatched it and god zombie bang chan is so mf cute)

kim jisoo → when bp made their square two comeback i was immediately smitten for red-haired jisoo in playing with fire, it’s also when i realized she was my bias out of the four members

shin ryujin → the reason that i have blue hair is partially bc of ryujin and her amazing intro in wannabe :D

xuan lu → her portrayal of jiang yanli was SO ON POINT and she’s just such a kindhearted wonderful person wow i want her hand in marriage

lee yoobin → god i’ve known dreamcatcher from back when they were still called minx and ever since i’ve always looked at dami that bit more than the rest, i was also able to see dreamcatcher live in october of 2019 and the whole experience was just so amazing !!

FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

there’s a whole lot more than just these 10 but i wanted to fit the evolution into one (1) slide as best as i could lmao

peter pan → this movie came out in 2003 (?) and he’s honestly the first fictional character i remember ever having a crush on

legolas → i was really doubting between placing haldir or legolas here but i only really got a vague haldir obsession when i was like 14

zuko → LOOK. ZUKO IN ATLA? HOT. ZUKO IN LOK? HOT EVEN IF HE’S AN OLD MAN.

will turner → man was annoying sometimes but i really liked him and his relationship with elizabeth was cute

jo harvelle → gosh i can’t believe she’s the only female character in here???? yeah she was one of my two spn faves and i’ll never forgive the screenwriters for the way they killed her off

castiel → does your fave ever get sent to super hell for being gay? no? well. mine did

kili → fili and kili’s storyline tore my heart out, spit on it, and then laughed straight in my face, KILI WAS LITERALLY MY FAVORITE DWARF

howl → i only watched this movie for the first time in 2020 so i kinda fucked up the tl cause i watched cql in 2019 but shh, anyways howl with his blonde hair was good looking but howl with his black hair just hits differently. i want a howl

lan jingyi → MY BABY BOY, TINIE LITTLE BABIE WHOMST I MUST PROTECT ok no but seriously this kid. i love him a lot

mu qing → BARK BARK. that’s all (that’s not all i love him a whole lot and it hurts me to see so many people misunderstand his character and only see the bad parts of him when they can forgive others for fucking up (eg. xie lian himself & feng xin) but bc mu qing doesn’t deal well with emotions suddenly he’s the bad guy??? i s2g if ppl are gonna do to him what they did to jiang cheng in the tgcf la i will RIOT)

#thanks for the tag hanyi my hands hurt now </3 #tag game

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englandsgray · 3 years

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Sherlolly Self-Interviews 2020

Well hi 👋

Ignoring the internal image of Gilderoy Lockheart smiling smugly while flashbulbs pop and saying ‘In my autobiography, Magical Me...’ 🙈😆 I shall take the opportunity of this lovely event to introduce myself as a writer of Sherlolly fanfiction on AO3...

I am English and somewhere over 30. I watched the show as it aired, and lost my heart as quickly to Molly Hooper as to Sherlock Holmes. The kiss is British television history. Series 4 is my favourite. Moriarty on the beach is life. The Holmes brothers break my heart every time.

I am extremely lucky to have been provided some questions to answer here by @ohaine and @mybrainrots - huge, huge love and thanks to these two lovelies, and not just for this. I admire you both so much as writers, and your support means the world to me ❤️ Thanks too, to @sherlollyappreciationweek!

Where did you begin to write, and have you written for other fandoms? I wrote my first fanfic when I was eleven years old - a 100 page ramble about The Monkees. Oh yes. Then in 2018, I fell for the characters of the Disney Pixar film Cars and began writing and publishing. So far so random! Writing in this fandom sprang from binge-watching all four series of Sherlock during lockdown. I remembered reading Louise Brealey talking about being disappointed Molly didn’t get chance to ‘roundly kick Sherlock’s arse’ and agreeing with her wholeheartedly. That, over a few weeks, turned into my first fic - Who You Really Are.

You’re a recent (and welcome!) arrival to the Sherlolly ship, and I was wondering if writing in an established, less active than it used to be fandom has been a challenge? Thank you, firstly. My experience of this fandom has been incredibly positive - the sense of welcome has been wonderful. I will admit I was terrified posting the first fic - there are hundreds of times more stories posted daily in the Sherlock fandom as in the one I had some experience of. But I needn’t have worried, it’s been a blast. I will also admit, that it’s no small thing to be surrounded by such brilliant writing and the long-standing passion which goes with it. But I find that inspiring in itself, and I’m very glad to be here - how supportive the fandom are makes me feel like I always have been!

What’s your favourite place and way to write? My aesthetic is Lin-Manuel Miranda in his in-law’s laundry room 🤣 I wrote my first ten-thousand words on the notes app on my phone before my other half told me to stop being ridiculous! I switch between the laptop, my phone and longhand (I’m a sucker for a nice notepad and a Uni-Ball Eye) and, more often than not, not sat up properly at a table.

Since you’ve (done something I’ve never managed successfully and) written a novella length fic... how did you organise/keep track of all the details and where you wanted the story to go? Did you outline/plot in advance? First of all - I would love to see a novella length fic from you @mybrainrots! The final scene of Who You Really Are came to me very early on and I knew I wanted the fic to fit within TFP - a lot of it takes place in the timeframe of the final montage. At first, it was going to be much more about Sherlock’s relationship with the ideas of sentiment and love (the phrase ‘I’m not sentimental about you, I love you,’ haunted me for a while) and I spent some time researching the psychology and playing with scenes from throughout the series - one of my favourites I didn’t go on to use was inspired by the final scene of THoB. Using scenes from the canon gave an automatic structure, and I was always aiming for the final one I wrote early on - the two of them on the beach (everything is about the beach, with me!) As I went along and started, inevitably, to slow down, I mapped out the chapters with a short note of what I wanted to be in each, then would add notes or phrases as they came to me - often emailed from my phone! I had to force myself through a tricky section set in Baker Street at one point, but it came together in the end. I did plot The Pathologist’s Skeletons on paper first, as I found with a casefic which remains a WIP, that I can get confused and lose focus when it comes to details and how to reveal them in a way which stays paced and interesting. I’ll certainly do that from now on with longer stories and cases. How did you keep up enthusiasm for the work? I want to write an original novel, so I am forcing myself to work through the knotty bits and blocks as a learning experience. Not everything is destined to be finished or finessed, of course, but I’m finding this process is building my confidence that I can overcome problems and slow periods. I also find I know when I need some external inspiration - some of my favourite scenes have come to me while out walking the dog or sitting on the beach. I’ve also been inspired by books or other series or things going on in the world, as we all are, and sometimes that’s pushed me on. Plus, of course, I’m a newbie - I’m very much in the honeymoon period of my writing, even though I’ve loved Sherlock for ten years! (Ten years! Bonkers.)

You’ve got a knack for writing Sherlock’s thoughts and capturing his voice. That said, which character do you find easiest to write? Which is the hardest? Thank you so much. I absolutely love writing Sherlock and Mycroft, and I’m sure that’s because they suit my somewhat over-the-top writing style! I find Molly and her POV really difficult. I want the scenes I write from her perspective to sound completely different to Sherlock, but that means writing in a style which doesn’t come as naturally to me. I’m a long way off happy with that at the moment, but I’m enjoying the challenge.

Is there a scene or character that specifically inspired you to start writing Sherlolly? The whole of TFP, but especially from the moment Sherlock arrives at Musgrave onwards. I am desperate to see what a Sherlock Holmes who has been reacquainted with his own heart would look like. I find his emotionality in those final scenes hugely compelling (Mycroft’s office is one of my favourite moments from across all four series) and, as I have always believed in him and Molly, I practically jumped up back in May after watching it and said ‘right, where’s my notebook?!’.

There’s a lovely peaceful, quiet feeling to your fic ‘We’re All Right At The Moment’. Can you tell us what inspired it and if you’ve thought of doing the backstory that goes with it? Thank you! Like everyone, I would go back to January of this year and start again in a heartbeat, but I am hugely fortunate to be able to say that I have a lot to be grateful to the UK lockdowns for. I might never have begun writing in this fandom otherwise, for one, and I have had a brilliant time so far and met some lovely people. Honestly, I don’t feel able to do any sort of justice in my writing to what has happened in the world in any broader sense than drawing on my own experiences of staying at home and enjoying my family. This particular super-short fic sees Molly cutting Sherlock’s hair at home in Baker Street. I wrote it in the evening after I had cut my other half’s hair and had been reminding myself that despite how horribly worried I was - and still am - about everything, we were all right in that moment, and to focus on that as much as possible. I wanted to try to capture that, if for no reason other than to look back on this entire experience and remember something lovely, so I am so pleased to hear you felt the fic did that. It was only after I finished it and reread it, that I realised it is ambiguous as to whether Molly is worried about Sherlock contracting the virus, or whether she is remembering him being treated for it... As I say, I don’t think I could write more about these extraordinary circumstances - perhaps it’s just too close at the moment - so I don’t plan on extending it. But you know how it is, the plot bunnies hop where they will...

Do you have a Sherlolly music playlist? What are your top five favs from the list? Here’s a run down of (6 🙊) songs I have been getting emotional over in the last little while, leading my brain to assign their significance to my favourite couple...

Kissing You - Des’Ree - It’s so 90′s, it’s a bit cheesy, it’s oddly disturbing. It helped me write A Request, Made Properly, and that gave me an excuse to have Sherlock kiss Molly in the snow.

How Long Will I Love You? - Ellie Goulding - part of the playlist, but also in remembrance of a friend who passed away recently. Life is very short, love is forever.

High and Dry - Jamie Cullum - It’s made me emotional for a very long time. The original is my partner’s version of choice, this is mine.

Think About You - Delta Goodrem - Okay, this one isn’t emotional, and it’s not my usual vibe! Blame the zoom exercise class I do! But oh my goodness, it’s Molly. Bless her.

Blinded By Your Grace (P.T.2. F.T. MNEK) - Stormzy - One of the best ever, I reckon. Spent an awful lot of time thinking about angels and demons, grace and what it takes to save someone, while writing my latest - The Pathologist’s Skeletons. This has been in my head most of the (blimmin’) time!

Love Me Like You Do - Ellie Goulding - I didn’t know I was a fan of Ellie until I wrote this list... I don’t subscribe to the theory that the love Molly wants or that which Sherlock has to offer is any lesser because it isn’t ‘normal’ or expected. I don’t think romantic entanglement would come easy to either of them. But it’s still love and it would be beautiful.

Thank you so much for reading. Thanks and love to @ohaine and @mybrainrots. And thank you @sherlollyappreciationweek for the event and for everything you do ❤️

Feel like I should sign off with a quote from the show...

“You’re not a puzzle-solver, you never have been. You’re a drama queen!” Dr John Watson (Moffat & Gatiss) 2014 😜

A fav fic of mine by @mybrainrots

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7563193

A fav fic of mine by @ohaine

https://archiveofourown.org/works/10562904

My stuff:

https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnglandsGray/works

#sherlolly #sherlollyselfinterview20 #sherlock #sherlockbbc #writing #fanfic #ao3 #ao3 author #read on ao3

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thefloatingstone · 4 years

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Last time I made a playlist of recommended youtube channels to enjoy while in lockdown or self quarantine, I focused on individual videos while also recommending other videos from the same channel.

I thought I’d make another list only this time I’m going to be recommending playlists or series on youtuber instead of just individual videos.

This is gonna go exactly like last time, so check out any of these that might seem interesting to you, and hopefully I can give you something to look into if you want something to watch but don’t feel like watching a Netflix or Crunchyroll show.

Last time I tried to put this under a read more break but it didn’t work and I ended up posting this long-ass post on everyone’s dash. Well I decided to do so again here. hit J to skip to the bottom of the post if you don’t feel like reading this whole thing. If you’re on tumblr mobile; why?

In no particular order;

Cinemassacre movie reviews and topics

All of you already know James Rolfe as the AVGN. I started watching him before Youtube was even a thing, before he was even signed on with Screwattack. Back when his videos could only be seen on his own website (or for some reason included on the free DVD you got with the local video game magazines). However, I eventually outgrew the outrage style humour of the AVGN episodes... but then James started doing Monster Madness where he would talk about his love for horror movies, and this where I learned about his vast knowledge about movie history and even films I had never even heard mention of before! I think it’s safe to say, he got me to be interested in movie history just as much as movie production and film as a viewing experience.

I recommend this playlist which is a hodgepodge of James talking about old horror movie franchises, talking about his first experience with Power Rangers as someone who didn’t grow up with it, or how Bob Ross is a childhood hero of his. It’s an excellent play list that’s really laid back but you learn a lot of stuff from it. James is very informed for the most part and it leads you to wanting to check out a lot of these things too, just because he’s so passionate about it.

If I ever get over my weird hang up about speaking out loud, these are the kinds of videos I’d like to make.

Vinesauce Vinny: The Neverhood

Vinny is by no means a new Let’s Player, having been on Youtube for over 10 years now, but I only started watching him a few months ago. I started with this playlist when I saw he was doing The Neverhood, a game I had heard about but never seen played before. The Neverhood is a bizarre game, as a point and click PC game from the 90s where the entirety of the video game was made with stop motion and clay. Something that sounds so insane you would say it’s impossible if not for the fact that it exists. The claymation itself is extremely well done, and the game has a really weird and absurd sense of humour. Just the strangest things happen in this thing. Now couple that with Vinny’s very dry and straightforward delivery and you have probably one of the funniest Let’s Plays I’ve watched in a long time.

This is also “short” for a Let’s Play series. With only 4 parts to it, the longest video only being a bit under and hour and 30 minutes. It’ll still take up a good chunk of your time, but it’s not as daunting as some of the other Let’s Plays I’ll mention on this list.

Team Four Star: Pokemon Shield Nuzlocke

Exactly what it says on the tin. The guys from Team Four Star play Pokemon Shield with Nuzlocke rules. They’ve done several Nuzlocke runs in the past, but I find the Pokemon Shield is the best one they’ve done. Especially since a lot of the needless fluff and grinding has been edited out. So unlike some of their previous series you don’t see a lot of Kieran and Grant running in a circle for an hour trying to catch a specific pokemon or trying to get to a certain level.

It’s also hilarious as they have a lot of “house rules” for the Nuzlocke often involving the exercise bike they.... have..... for some reason.

It’s very good and the gym battles become SUPER hype with the Nuzlocke rules and the music.

Baywatching

Having been going to a few years now, watch Allison try her very best to go through and do a video series where she talks about summarises every episode of Baywatch.

.... Ever. Single. Episode.

She’s not even close to done yet (and now she’s introduced Baywatch Nights AS WELL) but her trying to explain the batshit insanity of this show, it’s over the top characters, it’s insane plots and behind the scenes weirdness with all the enthusiasm and love for this slice of 90s is amazing. Please enjoy a good thick chunk of inside jokes, silly character voices, and a whole lot of ?????

Brutal Moose: Shenmue

Probably one of the most chill channels on all of Youtube, Brutal Moose aka Ian, prefers playing games you wouldn’t think would make for good Let’s Plays. And maybe they don’t, objectively. A collection of playlists covering Truck Simulator, Nancy Drew, Hidden Object games etc etc, spliced in with old commercials from drive in theaters from the 50s,60s and 70s. Ian’s Let’s Play channel is great for just putting on and letting play for company while you’re drawing or grinding in a video game or playing Stardew or something.

I recommend his Shenmue playthrough as Ian completely fell in love with the game and went on to play both the sequel and the newly released third game. Ian genuinely adores the weird voice acting and all the menial tasks and mini-games you can do. I watched this a lot in 2018 when I was going through a rough time, and it really helped me in a strange way to just put Ian on and listen to him talk to the chat and drive a forklift around for like 4 hours straight before going to Tomato Mart or wasting all his money on the gacha machines.

A Measured Response to “In Defense of Dark Souls 2″

At some point, big name youtuber Hbomberguy made a video called “In Defense of Dark Souls II”. I’m not subscribed to Hbomberguy but I enjoyed his video on why Sherlock (the BBC show) is trash. (come to think of it I should have added that to the first list). And it seems the video on Sherlock was really good and well argued.... and it seems his “In Defense of Dark Souls 2″ video... was not.

Using subjective language, bad representation of facts, or simply outright getting certain information wrong, Hbomberguy′s video on Dark Souls II is, at best, a man trying to argue that he likes Dark Souls II because it is “Objectively good”, rather than simply accept he likes it... because he likes it.

MauLer is kind of an asshole, but I have learned more about dissecting someone’s argument and deconstructing what they have said watching his response series than I have in any english or debate class I have ever had.

The response is over 10 hours long, but this is because MauLer takes time with each and every statement he takes umbrage with, discussing what is being said, discusses why it is false or dubious, and then compares with actual facts and research.

If you ever want to know how to to distinguish subjective opinion from objective fact in someone else’s argument regarding... ANYTHING really, I highly recommend this series.

I may not like MauLer as a person, but DAMN if he doesn’t know how to deconstruct an argument in a logic, emotionless way.

John Wolfe: Maize

Maize is a stupid game. a Stupid stupid game.

It involves sentient corn, and underground secret genetics lab, a Russian bootleg teddy bear that hates everyone, sentient corn, and a crumpet.

This game IMMEDIATELY went on my wishlist after watching this playthrough. Please watch John try and figure what the actual fuck is going on in this Monty Python-eque weird black comedy. It’s stupid, it’s weird, it’s bizarre and it’s honestly one of the funniest games I’ve seen streamed.

Hollywood: a Celebration of the Silent Era

This is not a youtube playlist. I mean it IS, but what this actually is, is a TV series released in the UK in 1980 covering the Silent Film era. As it was made in 1980, it includes interviews with many of the silent film stars who were often still alive during this documentary’s production. Each episode covers a specific theme of the silent movie era. One episode is about comedies, one is about WWI, one is about Westerns etc etc.

It’s a fascinating series, because it focuses on the silent era which, in modern day, I think many people unfairly think of as “those first few years of movies before movies really became a thing.” And that’s such a shame and really not true. The artistry, camera tricks, and raw nature of this early era of film making is so important and produced films which can still be watched today easily, possibly even easier than a few modern movies as often the very fact that the films are silent means they are universal, regardless of what language you speak.

I think an episode or two might have been turned to private or copyright claimed in this playlist, but I know if you do a search on youtube you can find the episode uploaded by someone else.

Diamanda Hagan: Bonekickers

Bonekickers is the show Mathew Graham made before he went on to work on the new Dr. Who. It is about archaeologists and it is God-fucking-Awful.

It is.... look. Ok. I like Archaeology a lot. But this isn’t a show that’s bad “if you like history” or “if you know things about archaeology”. This show is bad because it doesn’t make a single fucking lick of sense, all the characters are awful and terrible, and even if you understand what’s going on in the story you’re still going to be screaming “WHY????” at the screen as each new baffling stupid piece of the puzzle slots into place.

Diamanda Hagan has 0 time for this garbage and she’s going to walk you through each episode to show you how truly horrible this piece of garbage is.

Cry Plays: Ori and the Blind Forest

With Ori and the Will of the Wisps releasing recently, now is a great time to go and watch Cry playthrough the first Ori game. an absolutely gorgeous piece of work with a beautiful soundtrack and really likeable character designs and a sweet story, Ori is a great game to put on, sit back, and just let it wash over you. Cry’s playthrough is also great because although its a Metroidvania game, Cry fast forwards the parts where he backtracks for a long period of time, so you don’t get stuck watching him run back and forth as he tries to figure out where to go next or anything like that.

Cry also recently started playing the sequel as well!

If you enjoyed this list at all, please consider tipping me for a coffee

☕️ Ko-fi ☕️

#self isolation #Quarantine #Youtube #Links #Recommendations #Recommended #ask to tag #long post #No editing we die like men

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war-of-the-words · 4 years

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Sigh

WARNING: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH Summary: Shinichi always finds himself sighing, and one day a guardian angel appears to help him smile more. Written Oct 2018 Read on AO3

Shinichi let out a sigh. He did it so often it had just become second nature to him at this point, he can’t even remember how it started. He let out another sigh, it was unpleasant to think about. The senior officers on the force would tell him about his teenage years, how he would never sigh, just face all of the cases head on. They couldn’t tell him why he started to sigh either, that or they refused to tell him.

He knew there was something wrong with him, some trauma blocking his memoires. He remembered his childhood, how he fell in love with books and mysteries and soccer, but after his sixteenth birthday, everything is a blur. The gap spanned to when he was twenty. More than four years he had lost, and his newest memories began with him waking up in a hospital.

His mother was there, she was crying, when he addressed her, she only said she was sorry, that she couldn’t believe it either. When he asked what she was talking about, she ran to get the doctor. No one ever explained why he was there.

His life went on. He had been on the force as a detective for several years now, Megure was glad to finally have him as an official member of the team. He threw himself into his work, he decided that it was unimportant to focus on his past when it wasn’t something he could remember. He still found himself wondering, but he could always convince himself it was nothing to be remembered.

He let out another sigh. He always started to reflect on these things to much, right around the first of April. The weather was still warming up from a record cold winter, so the roads were mostly deserted on his walk home. He had stopped by a small coffee shop to warm himself up, the liquid scalding his mouth, but he drank it anyway. Surprisingly, he found his eye drawn to a park across the street. It was practically devoid of human life, a few joggers braving the cold. He let out a sigh. He didn’t have anything to do tonight anyway. Ran was busy this weekend and had turned down his offer for dinner.

Ran was nothing like he remembered. He thought that they would be dating by his twenties, but when he confessed, Ran acted...off. She was shocked at first, then a melancholic look fell across her face. She turned him down, but she wouldn’t give a reason, she just said it was better that they remain friends. Then she introduced him to several new faces, at least, new to him. Masumi Sera and Hattori Heiji were both detectives he had been introduced to, Hattori even vehemently told him about what good friends they were, but Shinichi couldn’t recall them, however familiar they seemed. He knew he acted colder now. He shied away from spending much time around anyone but the police force and Ran, the looks people gave him made him feel even worse than he usually felt, at least Ran had the decency to pretend to hide those looks.

Shinichi let out another sigh. There he went, thinking about unpleasant things yet again. He shook himself from his thoughts as he entered the park, the trees were just about to bloom, the cold holding them back. There were a scarce few birds chirping somewhere in the boughs, a calming sound in Shinichi’s ever hectic life. The nature was a nice scenery for coffee and a walk, a distraction from his constant sighing. The playground he eventually stumbled across was empty of children, so he allowed himself to take a seat on the swings and finish his coffee. When was the last time he had been to a park? It hadn’t been since the gap in his memories, the whole park atmosphere made him nostalgic for something, or someone, he couldn’t remember.

He let out a sigh as he downed the remaining drops in his cup. Why couldn’t he just act happy for once? It was silly to live the rest of his life like this. He knew it wore down on those around him, particularly Ran. It wasn’t a surprise to him when she turned him down for this weekend, he wouldn’t want to spend time with himself either. Shinichi sighed.

“You really need to stop doing that.” A voice said, surprising Shinichi. He hadn’t heard any footsteps. He opened his eyes to a startling sight. A young man, in his late teens/ early twenties, was standing in front of him. He had messy hair and his eyes were a peculiar shade of blue, his face was scrunched in distaste, assumedly at Shinichi’s sighing, and his attire seemed completely out of place. He wore a white suit with white shoes and white gloves, even his shirt and tie were white. The thing that really startled Shinichi, however, where the pair of large, white wings sprouting from the man’s back. “You need to smile more. “Just give me all of your sighs, and I’ll turn them into happiness!” The man’s face lit up in a bright smile, and, oh, Shinichi’s heart ached for some reason, this man reminded him of someone, perhaps his younger self? They looked very similar after all.

Shinichi was shocked when a “please” fell from his lips, almost too quiet to hear, but the man gave him a soft smile and offered him a hand. Shinichi allowed himself to be pulled up from the swing, the cloth of the glove soft, yet startlingly cold, beneath his hand. Suddenly, there was a puff of smoke, and Shinichi found himself holding a bouquet of flowers. Bright red and dark red roses, along with some pink carnations and forget me nots. Shinichi stared in amazement at the flowers for a moment before looking back up at the man. His face had a large smile across it, pleased with the trick, but it suddenly fell when Shinichi looked at him.

“Oh, no, what’s wrong? Do you not like flowers?” He raised a hand as if to touch Shinichi’s face, but stopped himself, a look of pain coming across his face.

“No, nothing’s wrong,” Shinichi said, raising a hand to his face, he was surprised to find he was crying. “I’m sorry,” he said, wiping at the tears that formed, “I...I have no idea why I’m crying, this is embarrassing, I’m sorry.” Shinichi let out a frustrated sigh, why was he crying? And in front of a stranger nonetheless. The man’s face looked in pain, just for a moment, when Shinichi sighed.

“You don’t need to be sorry,” his voice was calm and gentle, as if he were soothing a child, “If you want to cry, then cry. You don’t have to be strong all the time, Shinichi.” That was definitely weird.

“Who are you?” Shinichi eyed the man, he didn’t recognize him, but then again, he didn’t recognize a lot of people he supposedly knew. And then there was the question of his attire, and those wings. The man pondered his answer for a moment.

“Well, I guess, your guardian angel?”

Shinichi was sighing less. He had to be if his coworkers were commenting on it, and he had his “guardian angel” to thank for it. It still seemed absolutely absurd. Why did he need a guardian angel, why did he show up now? But whatever remains, no matter how improbable, and all that. The man certainly appeared supernatural. He appeared out of nowhere, even inside of Shinichi’s home, and he always wore the same attire. Despite his otherworldly nature, the angel seemed to prefer performing human illusions, human magic tricks that felt nostalgic in some way.

The angel appeared before him when he would sigh, and he would perform some magic tricks, the angel’s delight in performing lifting Shinichi’s mood more than the tricks themselves. Soon, the angel just started hanging around all the time, not that Shinichi minded. Not only were his tricks fun, but the angel could hold a good conversation, and seemed in tune to Shinichi’s interests, even if he held an opinion different than Shinichi’s own, how anyone could look so displeased at the mention of Sherlock Holmes, Shinichi didn’t know. The sight of the angel brought a smile to Shinichi’s lips, he couldn’t recall the last time he had been so happy. He didn’t care that the angel refused to give him a name, well, it hurt a little, but he knew that it wasn’t for any malicious reason. He also didn’t care that the longer he spent with the angel, the more he seemed to have nightmare. He never remembered what they were, the memory fading when he woke, but he always found himself in tears.

Memories started returning, too. He remembered the day at Tropical Land, with Ran. He remembered becoming Conan, remembered the Shonen Tantei and Haibara, the scientist looked almost tearful when Shinichi ran over to tell her about his returning memories. The day he remembered Hattori was eventful. He called up the detective and within the day, the Osakan was at his house, chatting about a storm and berating Shinichi for ever forgetting him, all in good humor. Hattori questioned him on how much he remembered, and they discovered that almost all of his memories returned, just a few lost days in several months and the area surrounding whatever event caused the amnesia. From Hattori’s reaction, it seemed like he knew what the event was, but he refused to tell Shinichi anything surrounding that time. The angel was there too, watching Shinichi bond with his forgotten friend, smiling until his lost memories came up, the angel probably believed the expression was hidden from Shinichi’s view, but he saw the man’s face fall in a mirror. He probably knew what that trauma was, if he was his guardian angel like he claimed, it probably wouldn’t be a good memory to see your human hurt, but seeing the angel’s face in pain caused a tightness in Shinichi’s chest that he couldn’t place.

After one particularly hard day, multiple homicides, all of them incredibly brutal, Shinichi, who admitted to himself he sighed quite a lot that say, came home to find the angel in his library, A mischievous smile on his face. He lead Shinichi to the couch, his hand once again incredibly cold, and made him take a seat. If the angel hadn’t looked so excited, Shinichi would have just ignored him and gone to bed, but how can he say no when the other looked to excited. “Today, Kudou Shinichi, I have an extra special show just for you!” The angel threw his arms wide in a grandiose gesture. Shinichi gave him a polite clap in return, he really didn’t think he could be the kind of audience the angel wanted him to be, but he would humor him anyway. The angel did not disappoint. He performed card tricks and other staple magic, Shinichi smuggly explaining each after they happened, the angel letting out a huff, but never stopping Shinichi's explanation. Gradually, the tricks increased in skill, Shinichi having to think more on how the trick was done, the angel obviously pleased by this development. “And now for my final trick!” The angel made a top hat and wand appear, showing the detective that the hat was empty, then waved the wand over it. “Three, two, one!” in a puff of smoke, several doves appeared from inside the hat and flew toward Shinichi, landing around him and cooing softly. Reaching out a hand, Shinichi careful stroked one of the bird's feathers, the other doves moving in closer, apparently jealous.

“You're smiling,” Shinichi turned to look at the angel, a content smile on the other’s face, as he realized that he was, indeed, smiling, “I'm glad.” Shinichi turned away, slightly embarrassed by the idea that the angel did all of this for him.

“Thank you,” Shinichi said, focusing his attentions on the birds now fighting for their turn to be pet, “for this, and everything else.”

“Of course, Shinichi.” How was it that the detective could so clearly hear the smile in the angel's voice, “It's what I'm here for.” Shinichi turned to look at the angel as he made a flower, a gardenia, appear and offer it to Shinichi. As Shinichi took the flower, his hand brushed against the angel's. It was notable, because this hand was incredibly warm, even through the glove the other always wore. It was because of this that Shinichi realized that it was the first time the angel ever offered him his right hand. The angel seemed to notice as soon as Shinichi did, and quickly pulled his hand away, brushing the situation off by scolding the birds for fighting for Shinichi's attention.

The seasons were changing again. Summer had passed by, and Shinichi had made the best memories he had in a long time, his sighs almost nonexistent. The nightmare were still occuring, traces now lingered in his mind. Blood on his hands, rain pounding on his back, a gunshot or was that the sound of rain? He didn’t know if it was fiction or reality, but the sadness always lingered with him long after he woke up.

The angel almost never left his side. No one could see him but Shinichi, so it wasn’t necessary to try to keep him hidden, Shinichi just had to be careful not to look crazy talking to himself in public. His tricks, too, were bringing memories with them now. Nothing concrete, just feelings of familiarity and adrenaline, excitement, and joy. Another feeling blossomed in his chest when he saw the angel smile, but Shinichi hesitated to name it.

They were walking in the park, the trees beginning to turn colors, the chill returning to the air, when it happened. They were just talking, the angel speaking enthusiastically with his hands, the look on his face bright and full of joy, when a name came to him, Kuroba Kaito.

Shinichi froze, at first confused. He didn’t know anyone by that name, at least, he didn’t remember. “Shinichi?” Kaito turned back to face him, his face now worried. Wait, Kaito? That was him, wasn’t it? Shinichi moved to sit on a nearby bench, his head beginning to throb in pain. “Shinichi? What’s wrong?” Why did he know this angel’s name? Why did the name bring such feeling of...of...affection?

“You died.” It fell past his lips before he had a chance to process what he was saying. He looked at the angel standing above him, his eyes wide, afraid of what Shinichi just said. Then Shinichi passed out.

There had been a chance of rain, but Kaito had been sent on the heist being tonight. He told Shinichi that he had backup plans for his backup plans, that everything would be alright, but as Shinichi ran up to the roof the meet KID, the rain audible from inside the concrete stairwell, a terrible feeling was building in his chest. When he made it to the roof access, he hit the door without stopping, he knew something was wrong, there was no logical reason to believe so, but he just knew.

Sometimes, he hated it when he was right. In all of the pounding rain, he didn’t hear it, no one had heard it, a gunshot. But it must of happened, there was no other reason for KID to be bleeding out, he was clutching his shoulder, what little of his face Shinichi could see was twisted in pain. He was ducked behind an air conditioning unit, just a couple yards from Shinichi. The sound of the opening door drew the thief’s attention, and a look of panic spread across his face, Shinichi was in danger.

It happened before Shinichi knew what was happening. KID moved from his hiding place, running toward Shinichi, and pushed him to the ground. A gunshot. A scream of pain. A weight pressing down on him. Something warm soaking into his shirt. Iron in the air. Blood. Bleeding. Shot. KID was shot again. Kaito was shot again. They are still in danger. Move. Move! MOVE!

Shinichi lifted Kaito’s weight off of him. Moving the both of them back to his original hiding place, his blood pounding in his ears, mixing with the sound of the rain, Kaito’s chest was rising and falling with effort. Shinichi threw open the thief’s jacket, trying to find the bullet wound. His chest, red was blossoming from his chest, practically his heart. Shinichi ripped off his on coat and bundled it over the wound. It took him several moments before he realized that Kaito was speaking, his voice weak and cracking. “...Nichi, Shinichi, I did it.” The smile on the magician’s lips was truly happy, despite the pain he must be in. “I destroyed it, that’s why they’re so angry.” He attempted to laugh, but it quickly morphed into a wet cough, his chest stuttering with the effort, his breath wheezing.

“Don’t speak,” Shinichi’s voice was rough with emotion, tears begging to sting in his eyes, “everything will be okay, we can talk later.”

“Shinichi,” Kaito looked at him, the look in his eyes twisting Shinichi’s chest into an impossible knot, “ I don’t think I’m going to get a later.” The magician’s eyes were shiny with tears, their salty form mixing with the rain, unceasing against the pair. “I think tonight was my final performance.”

“Of course it was,” Shinichi’s voice was heavy with false happiness, “Kaitou KID has completed his mission, now he can elegantly disappear, and Kuroba Kaito can take center stage as the world’s greatest magician.” Kaito laughed, breathy and almost inaudible.

“No, this was Kuroba Kaito’s last show as well, he will finally be revealed to the audience. Aoko is going to be so mad.” The magician’s lips trembled, his voice breaking with sobs and fear. Shinichi bit his lip, holding back from scolding the magician, like any of that mattered right now, he had to get to a hospital, he had to be okay, Shinichi hadn’t even told him yet-

“I don’t want to die.” Shinichi had never heard the magician sound like that. Even in the darkest moments, Kaito always hid his fear, always looking ahead with that insufferable smirk on his face. This was raw emotion, Kaito knew, Shinichi knew, too, however much he tried to deny it, there was only one truth. “I really don’t want to die, Shinichi.” Kaito reached one hand toward the detective, who held it without a second thought, using one hand to push down on Kaito’s wound, throwing his coat away to press down directly, as the other gripped the magician’s hand, which at some point lost its glove. His fingers were cold, whether from the rain or the blood loss Shinichi was unsure. He was sure that his grip was too tight, but the magician didn’t complain. Shinichi couldn’t find any words as the magician continued to cry, his heartbeat growing weak beneath Shinichi’s hand.

“I love you,” the magician said from his weaking sobs, “I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time now, but I promised myself I would tell you after I found Pandora, and, well, this is my last chance.” Shinichi sucked in a breath, shaking his head, trying to get the magician to stop, he didn’t want this to be goodbye. “I love you, Kudou Shinichi.” The smile the magician gave he was warm, despite his cold hand. Kaito let out a long breath, apparently content with his words.

He didn’t breath back in. His hand fell slack in Shinichi’s grip as his heart stopped beating beneath Shinichi’s other hand. Abandoning its place on Kaito’s chest, Shinchi moved his other hand to hold Kaito’s. He knew he was crying, he was sure he was sobbing, but all he could hear was the sound of rain and all he could feel was Kaito’s cold hand. Kaito couldn’t be cold, Kaito was never cold. He was warm, he was light, he was a beacon of hope in Shinichi's darkest times, he couldn’t be cold.

Shinichi let out a breath, trying to warm Kaito’s hand. It couldn’t be cold. He did it again, and again, and again, and again. He didn’t hear the task force reach the roof, he didn’t hear Nakamori’s revelation of Kaitou KID’s identity, he didn’t feel them pull Shinichi away from Kaito, he just kept letting out air. He couldn’t be cold.

Shinichi woke up on the park bench, sore from sleeping in such an uncomfortable surface, his eyes wet with tears. He remembered now. He remembered Kaitou KID and how he discovered his identity. He remembered promising to help KID take down the people who were after him and Pandora in exchange for KID's help taking down the Black Org. He remembered Kuroba Kaito and his ability to light up a room, make people laugh, bring a bit of joy, a bit of magic, into every situation. He remembered why he fell in love. He remembered that he never got to tell Kaito that he loved him.

Becoming more aware of his surroundings, he realized that his hand was in Kaito's lap, a cold hand resting on his side as a warm hand carded through Shinichi's hair. “You remember now, right?” Kaito's voice was soft, as if fearful of Shinichi's answer.

“Yeah,” Shinichi said, his voice just as quiet, “I do. Kaito let out a low laugh, completely mirthless.

“Well, cat's out of the bag,” Kaito said, trying to make light out of the situation. Shinichi sat up, forcing Kaito to pull his hands away. As Shinichi faced him, he grabbed Kaito's right hand and held it, just like he had that terrible night so many years ago. It was warm beneath his grip, but Shinichi let out a breath onto it anyway. “No matter how cold I have felt,” Kaito said, a bittersweet expression on his face, “that hand has always remained warm.” Shinichi met Kaito's eyes, tears threatening to reemerge. Those sighs, they were the unconscious memory of trying to warm Kaito's hand. His subconscious refused to let him stop until he knew that Kaito was warm.

“It was cruel to leave me like that, without waiting to hear my response.”

“Your response?” Kaito looked confused for a moment, the realization hit him and his face turned red, Shinichi almost laughed at how cute it was.

“Me too.” Shinichi said, giving Kaito's hand a squeeze.

“You too?” Kaito looked hopeful, and his smile only grew as Shinichi nodded.

“I love you, too” Kaito moved in and kissed Shinichi, his lips cold, yet so alive. He pulled away almost reluctantly.

“No matter what, Shinichi, I promise I will always be beside you.” Shinichi only nodded in return before Kaito leaned back in to kiss him.

When Shinichi next opened his eyes. Kaito was gone.

It took a while, but Shinichi finally found the resolve to visit Kaito's grave. Nakamori-keibu had been nervous to tell him where it was, seeing how badly Kaito's death had affected him, but he had eventually agreed. He laid down a bouquet of red roses and began to talk of trivial things. What had happened since Kaito left, how he was readjusting to life since his memories returned, a magic show he saw recently. He stood there for a while, sometimes just in silence, but as he did, he felt a warm presence holding tightly onto his hand.

Shinichi let out a, content, sigh.

#one shot #dsdrabbles #kudou shinichi #kudo shinichi #kuroba kaito #kaishin #kudou shinichi/kuroba kaito #dcmk #player 2

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televisor-reviews · 4 years

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Top 10 WORST Movies Of 2018!

As everyone is talking about their favorite and least favorite films of last year, I’d much rather take a look at what came out two years ago! This is what I do every New Year, get used to it. And keep in mind that I haven’t seen every film from 2018, so as bad as I’m sure Sherlock Gnomes and Pacific Rim: Uprising are, I haven’t gotten around to them. If you’d like a list of every film I have seen, I have them listed on my Letterboxd: https://drive.google.com/uc?id=1HnDnQ4ibO82ryM9lOCGgw1FZhVLdC4SZ

#10. Fifty Shades Freed On my 2015 list, I didn’t even bother putting Fifty Shades Of Grey on it because I thought it was absolutely hilarious! On my 2017 list, I placed Fifty Shades Darker at the very top for its lack of even the basics of what makes a decent flick, notably there being no real plot. So I guess I’m meeting this franchise in the middle by putting Fifty Shades Freed at the tenth spot for just how batshit this movie is. Shit kinda just happens randomly with little to no reason while also not being funny in the slightest. In fact, large segments of the film is kinda boring, particularly the sex scenes in which there are so many that by the 20th time, you’d just get used to it like a jump scare in Winchester. Really, the biggest reason this is only at #10 is because Fifty Shades Freed has Freed us all from this series, assuming that a film adaptation of Grey isn’t made. And that’s the greatest compliment I’ve ever given to one of these movies. #9. A Wrinkle In Time I once heard someone justify Disney’s live action remakes by saying they help fund their more unique film escapades like Nutcracker And The Four Realms (which barely didn’t make the list). The problem with that is that I don’t want those ether! And considering how Solo and The Rise Of Skywalker turned out, maybe Disney’s live action department should just stick with Marvel movies. Honestly, I don’t completely remember why I left the theater after seeing A Wrinkle In Time so angry, like legitimately pissed off. I remember the girl who looks like one of the Mean Girls being treated like a member of the Losers Club, how terrible the child acting was, how even worse the adult acting was, how annoying everybody who wasn’t Chris Pine was, and how that little kid was named Charles Wallace because the characters said it at least a million times! Considering how angry I am just writing about it, I’m guessing it was a combination of all of those elements being wrapped up with a pretentious bow. Honestly, A Wrinkle In Time was a humongous waste of my time. #8. Show Dogs It’s a bad sign when the movie starring Bojack Horseman yelling at Ludacris dog is only at #8 on my list. The big reason for that is because this is so terrible that I had to break down laughing at times. Not because Show Dogs is genuinely or ironically funny, it’s just so batshit insane that I had to laugh. Almost like a defense reflex: like if I wasn’t laughing, I’d end up jumping off the roof. The plot is crazy, the acting is crazy, the whole fucking idea is crazy! I’d like you to stop and imagine Will Arnett with the straightest face possible yelling at a dog voiced by Ludacris that nobody can actually hear in the middle of a very serious police station about the dog fucking up an undercover job and somehow not laughing your ass off. That is what it was like watching Show Dogs. You’re welcome. #7. Slender Man I think people really downgrade how good horror has been lately. I know that in a world of Insidious: The Last Key and Truth Or Dare, it’s easy to be pessimistic. And I think people also dismiss the greatness the internet has had on modern pop culture. Considering how bad things like Daphne And Velma and Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle are, I kinda get it. In reality, these tend to be the outliers among a lot of greatness, but after seeing Slender Man, I’m starting to think similarly. I was one of the only people who was actually excited about this movie because I’m young enough to remember a time when Slender Man: The Eight Pages was the scariest thing in the world and after seeing how well Hollywood treated the character in Beware The Slender Man, I was really hopeful. Little did I know that Madhouse Entertainment had one of the least interesting and least scary horror movies I’ve ever seen with boring characters, a monster that’s barely in the movie, and a script that’s closer to Rings than it is to its source material. I really hope this’ll go the way of Ouija and Annabelle and end up having a really good followup or else Slender Man will be a huge blot on the legitimacy of the internet. #6. Snake Outta Compton I’m gonna be straight with y’all, I have been doing a pretty bad job at keeping up with horror B-movies lately. I mean, I did watch The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time and Leprechaun Returns but those were mostly just mediocre, even within the context of the rest of their franchises. So when I saw the title Snake Outta Compton, I knew I had to watch it expecting something really stupid and funny as all hell. Instead I got a boring and uninteresting barely even an attempt at cinema. I really hated this film, it’s just such a boringly dull film where little to nothing ever happens and I hated every dumb second of it. The terrible rapping, the awful effects, the horrendous acting, everything in snake Outta Compton sucks and I hate it. #5. Norm Of The North: Keys To The Kingdom Remember that god awful polar bear movie starring Rob Schneider from a few years ago… yeah, they made four of those. Normal people would say the first Norm Of The North was the absolute bottom of the barrel, I say “No!… It’s Norm Of The North: Keys To The Kingdom,” and even more suicidal people would probably say it’s Norm Of The North: King Sized Adventure. If you thought the animation in the original was bad, you’ve seen nothing! This is so bad that I’m not even sure it should be considered animation! This is so bad that it makes Duck Duck Goose look like The Grinch! This is so bad that they couldn’t even get Rob Schneider back! The plot, it’s like this is one of those straight to DVD Disney sequels that were made up of episodes of conceled TV shows except why would anyone try to make Norm Of the FUCKING North into a TV show! But apparently it made money considering how (and I’ll repeat this again) there are four of these! Maybe the immense failure of Arctic Dogs will stop Entertainment Studios from making any more. #4. The Thinning: New World Order Speaking of sequels that’ll make the originals look like masterpieces, we’ve got Logan Paul’s magnum opus, coming straight outta that Japanese suicide forest. A film that tells you that a country made up of the smartest 95% of citizens are stupid enough to not catch on to the pretty obvious government plan going on in this universe. Even more so, apparently presidents to be are allowed to just make major laws that’ll arrest about 50% of the population before being sworn in as president. But even more so, I’m to believe that Logan Paul of all people is smart enough to escape these poorly conceived concentration camps. This is a key example of suspension of disbelief gone too far. I don’t believe for a second that this world actually could exist. And I want everyone reading this to remember The Thinning: New World Order after seeing what I put at number one that even liberals can make terrible movies too! #3. The 15:17 To Paris No shit, this is easily the worst movie I’ve ever seen in theaters. No joke, no sarcasm, the Clint Eastwood trainwreck that is The 15:17 To Paris is by far one of the worst movies of the decade… and it’s only at #3 on my bottom 10 of the year. Let me explain. Where the absolute bottom of the barrels of the year are total slogs that I wouldn’t be able to stand watching again, this is actually really fun to watch. Immediately after seeing it in theaters, I wanted to see it again just to make sure it wasn’t a fever dream. In every conversation I have, I recommend this movie because it has to be seen to be believed. Of all the films on this list, this is the only one I’d actually recommend to people. No other film has the balls to portray three normies with ADD talking as boringly as possible taking selfies in Venice for 30 minutes for no goddamn reason. In no other movie will you see a bunch of comedians try and do serious roles that they had no right being casted in. When I went back to school and brought this up with my film nerd friends, every one of them had a different story of watching this. My god, please watch The 15:17 To Paris so that we can convince Clint Eastwood into making The 15:18 To Paris. #2. Gotti Let me tell ya, Gotti is one of the wurst felms ya’ll evar see! Who in da hell convinced John Travolta that he culd do serious roles! But in all seriousness, this movie sucks. I’m not super familiar with the story of John Gotti, and by that I mean I’ve never even heard the name before seeing this film. And I’m pretty sure that to even get what’s going on in this, you’d have to see a 3 hour documentary on the guy beforehand or else you’d be incredibly confused the entire time because I know I was! Don’t even ask me what happens in Gotti because I have no clue. It goes all over the place with different characters doing different things at different points in time and eventually, I stopped paying attention! I do remember that there were about 20 characters named “John,” John Gotti only kills one guy though I’m pretty sure that as a mob boss he’d kill more, and I have no idea how this mafia makes money. Oh, and this convicted feline is apparently also Jesus Christ. I’ll tells yas, ya can live 100 yeers an neva see a moovy as bad as Gotti. Before we get to #1, let’s do some runners up!

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom I wanted so bad to put this on the list because as a pretty big Jurassic Park fan, I can fairly say that Fallen Kingdom is easily the worst film in the franchise. If only because of that dumb ass twist at the end with that kid I kinda forgot even existed. Or just for those annoying ass comedic reliefs that are consistently useless. Or just because on a base filmmaking level, this movie sucks. Hurricane Bianca: From Russia With Hate Listen, I’m openly and proudly bisexual, so I get how important it is to get good representation out there in the film industry. And I also get why a lot of the Ru Paul: Drag Race fandom has latched onto this series. But Jesus Christ guys, drag queens can do better and they deserve better. From Russia With Hate is definitely a step in the right direction with it being way more interesting and fun than the first Hurricane Bianca… but come on guys! These aren’t good movies! Just watch more Drag Race, it’s much better. The Happytime Murders Disney, please let Muppets Now be good! The puppetry artform deserves better than this garbage! The Happytime Murders is a movie in which half the jokes is that a puppet is jizzing a lot. Honestly, my biggest beef with this film is that it doesn’t even get to the heart of what people love about the Jim Henson style of puppetry, notably the fun. Look at most of the cast, they are very humanoid compared to Kermit The Frog or Fozzy Bear. This movie is, first and foremost, not fun. Bob Lazar: Area 51 And Flying Saucers This is my nomination for worst documentary of the year. It’s just annoying to me that this guy can get away with lying to so many people without any repercussions. In fact, he gets this whole documentary that’s basically sucking his dick the entire time! I went in expecting something along the lines of Behind The Curve, a doc that takes an even stance at looking at its crazy subject matter but in a respectful way. In reality, Area 51 And Flying Saucers isn’t even in the slightest being totally on Bob Lazar’s side without questioning his all knowing wisdom for a second and is n’t respectful in the slightest for the intelligence of its viewers! Fuck this doc! A Simple Favor This is my nomination for best worst movie of the year. A Simple Favor is a crazy film with a cast and crew taking it weirdly seriously for a comedy, all with super monotone voices. None of the actual jokes are genuinely funny but lots of them are ironically hilarious. Granted I was very high while watching this, but as far as I’m concerned, that’s the best state of mind to be in while watching it! And did I mention how nobody acts during this but rather just say their lines monotonely! Loved it! God’s Not Dead: A Light In Darkness This was the year Christian propaganda got boring. I was so excited when I went to see I Can Only Imagine in theaters as my first theatrical Christian film experience only to be totally disappointed when it turned out to be pretty dull. Even more so when, later on in the year, the newest installment in the world famous God’s Not Dead franchise, the same one that first brought upon this new age of Christian based filmmaking that’s brought me so much joy before, turned out to be similarly dull. There was a split moment when a character states, “Jesus Christ was the original social justice warrior,” when I was brought back to life with its own stupidity, but it turned out to be fleeting. Not outrageous enough to be put on the list, but too outrageous to be any good. So this is how God’s Not Dead ends: not with a bang, but with a whimper. The Meg And speaking of boring, The Meg has to be the most boring shark movie ever made. A film that feels like it lasts for days and in which no real stakes feel like are in play. This has got to be the most boring and dull and uninteresting and BORING movie of the year! And considering how boring of a year it was for film, that’s saying a goddamn lot! Mary Poppins Returns I feel like I went through an arc of my own while watching this. I went from, “this isn’t bad,” to, “okay, this is a little too much like the original,” to, “why the fuck am I watching this?” Mary Poppins Returns feels like one of the Disney live action remakes because it’s basically just a shittier version of the original with absolutely no good reason to exist let alone to watch, especially compared to said original. And the climax makes absolutely no sense with the logic of the film universe; she can literally fly! And by god, does this feel like anything but Mary Poppins. Blockers Listen, I get that this film is sex positive and that’s a really great thing and all the actors are really trying their best. But it is all in vain for this film with a really unfunny script and that’s kinda important for a comedy. Sometimes Blockers can get a chuckle out of me because of how over the top it can get at times but those are just outliers in a mostly mediocre movie that got built up too much because of how much positivity is in this. Proud Mary Proud Mary is the perfect example of a film in which just because someone can do it well, doesn’t mean everyone can. Ever since Quentin Tarantino has been making movies like Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill, throw back action films have been really cool to see. Then, all of a sudden, the director of London Has Fallen had to come around and remind everyone that they can’t all be winners. Mostly dull dialogue between characters I don’t care about waiting for the action that isn’t even all that good. I was really hopeful that Proud Mary would be fun, but it’s anything but. #1. The Trump Prophecy Listen, I get that when I say that a movie literally titled The Trump Prophecy is the worst film of the year, it comes off as if I’m making a big political statement but believe me, I am not. Politically, admittedly, I am pretty liberal but I’m not really a political dude. But I do know terrible filmmaking when I see it, and believe it or not, a film about a crazy firefighter who gets a vision in his sleep from a god orb that Donald Trump must be president might not be very good. In fact, fuck this cynical, piece of shit, taking advantage of conservatives, monotonely acted, with no love or passion put into it, goddamn movie! As much as I didn’t like any of the movies I’ve mentioned on this list, it’s clear someone, anyone, was passionate about making them. But considering how clearly the director never asked any of his actors to do a second take, no love is clearly put into this. How cynical, how shameless. As someone who does genuinely love the art of filmmaking and would adore the opportunity to make a relatively big budget movie myself, the fact that something as lifeless as The Trump Prophecy gets to be put into any theaters really pisses me off. Say what you want about The 15:17 To Paris, at least it had its heart in the right place. Say what you want about Gotti, at least John Travolta was obviously passionate about the project. This has nothing and is easily the most hatable film I’ve seen in years!

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may-shepard · 6 years

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the fine art of positive beta-ing

(This post was inspired by the incredible writers at the 2018 Fic Writers’ Retreat, which has just wrapped, and especially by @shamelessmash and @nautilicious. I love you awesome nerds!)

I have a confession to make: for a long time, I thought I was a writer who could not receive feedback. In an effort to hone my craft, I attended workshops and took classes where critique circles were part of the deal, hoping that some insight that my crit partners offered would help me get better, and better. This, I thought, was what I needed: another flail, in addition to the ones I applied to my work myself.

You know this kind of workshop, and this kind of attitude. Maybe you are holding onto it yourself: good writers are forged in Hell Places where All Mistakes Must Be Pointed Out and Eliminated and If You Can’t Take the Heat Get Out of the Kitchen. I was told that my use of commas was annoying. I was told that my choice of subgenre was untimely. I was red penned into a stupor.

Despite the fact that I was able to edit myself to the point where I got a few pieces accepted for publication, crit never, ever worked for me. I emerged from these experiences both pissed off and self-flagellating. I couldn’t see through the multiple and often contradictory corrections offered by my fellow critters, or the instructor, when I was taking a course.

Any piece I exposed to someone else’s crit, I always trunked, totally convinced that the problems with it were intractable, and that there was no point in trying to fix it. Worse yet, I felt like somehow I’d failed as a writer: I couldn’t take the heat. Perhaps it was time for me to exit the kitchen.

After a few failed attempts to find a crit circumstance that worked for me, and a really long bout of writer’s block, I managed to recover myself enough that I could write, by convincing myself that maybe I was just not a crit sort of a writer. I limited myself to troubleshooting my plots with my partner, who is great at reworking plots. As for making my craft better, I decided to go it alone.

Then I met @shamelessmash, and everything changed, because she changed the way I look at the act of beta reading, and the way I do it.

Way back when (uh, at 2017’s Fic Writer’s Retreat?), Mash and I were both working on longish projects, and, in part because I had a hand in helping her develop the idea for her lovely Sherlock fic A Case of Identity--The Musical, we agreed to trade beta.

(I can admit now that I hoped that she would accept beta from me and then like, forget that she’d offered to beta my fic in return.)

When she first asked me to read a chapter of ACOI, she specified that she wanted squee only: just positive feedback on what was working so far. I’d never had anyone ask that before, so I had no idea what was going to happen next. (Spoiler: really great things.)

At first, I thought, no problem! The fic was in the early stages of development, and we all want a little bit of encouragement along the way. As I read, and I thought, oh, there’s a comma here, a verb that could verb in a verbier way over there, I was tempted to mention it, but then I remembered her request and I refrained. I try, when I can, not to be a shitty friend. I also try not to be a shitty beta, which, hey you guys, means respecting the writer’s right to ask for the kind of feedback they want, and trying your best to offer it.

At the same time, the part of me that wants to be useful was squirming. How could 100% positive feedback possibly help someone hone their work into something better?

Boy was I about to find out. You will too, under the cut.

Receiving positive feedback makes you want to keep going.

Mash, super smart awesome writer that she is, knew that she wanted motivation to carry on forward. She was trying to get as much of the draft done as possible, before she started to post. There is nothing wrong with needing positive feedback in order to keep going. It’s really, really clever to ask for it. Knowing that the premise was working and that what she’d written so far was charming (and it was, so so so charming, holy crap) gave her a boost, and who the fuck doesn’t need that?

Asking for positive feedback only is a good idea, you guys. Try it the next time you ask for help with an early draft of a thing.

The other lessons came when it was time for me to share my stuff with her. See above re: reasons why I really hesitate to let people crit my stuff, but, given who Mash is, I was pretty sure it would be okay.

It was okay. It was more than okay. It was brilliant, amazing, incredible.

If you’ve never had the pleasure of receiving beta from a writer who is really really good at knowing what works in a story, and is willing to yell at you about what’s working in yours, let me tell you, it is a treat and so, so helpful. As I watched Mash go through my google doc on the first couple of chapters of my Sherlock fic The Burning Heart, leaving trails of keysmash and screaming as she went, I not only felt like a goddamn writing genius, but I also was taking substantial notes about where she was doing it.

Knowing what is working in a story is even more important for a writer than knowing what is not working.

If you know what works, you can play that up, and do more of it. That’s one reason, one very good reason, why telling a writer what you like in their story is a good idea, but there’s an even more important one.

Telling a writer what works helps them understand their own magic.

We all know, even if we’ve never been told, that what makes a writer great is not whether or not they can follow the rules for good writing, but rather, whatever it is that is uniquely theirs, that they bring to a story. Good craft, which you can learn, will always, always help you make your story more clear to whoever is reading it. Good story, good magic, the unique ineffable sense of play that makes you want to tell this story in this way at this point in time, that’s what makes people think, whoa wow whoa, this is amazing. It flourishes when it’s praised. When your magic is ignored, like it is when you receive crit that’s 100% focused on your mistakes, it lies down on the floor and refuses to get up again.

This is one major source of writer’s block. Even if you think offering positive feedback is kind of bullshit, I think it’s good, from a writerly karma pov, to avoid doing things that block other writers, especially the ones who’ve asked you for feedback.

But wait there’s more!

Mash did a lot more than keysmash and scream: she also asked questions when she was particularly excited.

The questions you, as a reader, are dying to have answered are invaluable writer feedback.

Hey is x going to do y next? (Insert inevitable joke about x being y’s love interest.)

Oh my god what did he mean by that?

How long is it going to be before we find out the answer to the question you laid out in Chapter Three?

These questions let me know where the breadcrumb trail I was trying to leave was effective. Under some circumstances, they let me know when I was waiting too long for a reveal. This alone helped me hone my plot.

Radio silence helps you see where what you wanted to achieve isn’t coming through.

We all have those places in our writing where we think we’ve really nailed it. When you’re dealing with a beta whose primary mode is positive, and they skim past the moment that you hoped was Big and Significant and Came off Well, you know you have more work to do. As writers we have ideas of what we’re trying to achieve, and we’re all trying to bridge that gap between what’s in our heads (which is potentially AMAZING) and what’s on the page (which inevitably NEEDS WORK). We know that what we’ve done will benefit from polishing. A lukewarm response to a big deal moment is a great indicator that we need to hit it harder or make it more clear.

The Role of What We Usually Think of When We Think of Crit

What do I think about comments that point out errors or ask thornier questions about what isn’t working? I think they have a place. I think that place is probably less important than most of us think.

It is still definitely helpful, and useful, to let a writer know if you think they’ve made a mistake, or if you think that something could be more clear. If they have an excessive attachment to a particular word or sentence structure, or whatever it may be, it’s fine and helpful and good to note that.

There are gentler ways of doing this that will be more helpful to most writers.

Instead of citing a “writing rule,” consider pointing out what the writer has done.

Never use adverbs they are the devil is easier to take and more useful if you stick to observing what’s on the page: you’ve used twelve adverbs in the last three paragraphs.

Show don’t tell could become instead of saying he’s sad, what about one sentence describing his internal reaction to finding his former partner’s scarf in the glove box?

If you’re offering crit in order to show off your knowledge of “the rules” and to talk about how you would never break those rules but the writer you’re critting has, your ego has taken over, and you’re probably not going to be super helpful in this moment.

Teach, don’t overcorrect.

Where a writer makes the same grammar mistake over and over, this is not the time to judge them and point out every single instance of it, unless they’ve asked you for a SPAG edit. It’s the time to recognise that they probably don’t understand semi-colons and link them to a post that explains them, point out one or maybe two wrong uses of semi-colons as you do your crit, and leave it up to the writer to correct it themselves (or not!).

Believe it or not, people generally like it better when you leave it up to them to take responsibility for their own work, and allow them to decide how much they want to take on board at any given time. If that writer doesn’t want to learn about semi-colons in this exact moment, then that is cool. If you’re not cool with it, perhaps it’s time to examine your excessive attachment to semi-colon evangelism.

Consider the level of the writer and emphasize the positive anyway

If you’re dealing with a beginner writer who is just figuring shit out, for the love of all that’s sweet and tender, just pick one or two mistakes to work on. Tackle verb tenses or POV this time--leave run on sentences for some future moment, and let them know, in no uncertain terms, what you like about what they’ve done. You could be the difference between shutting a writer down or ensuring that they keep going.

If you’re dealing with an advanced writer, please, please don’t assume that they don’t need positive feedback. Mighty oaks need the sun just as much as seedlings do. I’m by no means super adept at my craft, but I’m not a beginner either, and I always, always learn so fucking much when I see what people respond to in my work, when I understand what resonates with them.

A note on the proportion of positive to negative comments

There’s an old saw, that I’ve always found to be a bit cynical, about saying something positive before offering something negative in crit. This is a great idea, in theory. In practice, sometimes people following this rule offer comments like this:

This paragraph has some nice description in it, but

*deep, sucking inhale*

eight sentences follow that go into intimate detail about how many times the writer has used the word feel and how that is not a great idea for these thirteen reasons and also there’s a mistake in the research with reference to the specific century the armor the main character is wearing was most likely to be manufactured and and and and

Okay, I’m hoping you can see why, if this is the only form of positive feedback offered, it might come off as insincere.

On the other hand, in the context of a crit that lavishes praise on everything good, a genuine observation that a particular paragraph has issues or a particular aspect of the timeline is self-contradictory or the writer flips wantonly between first person and third person, is so much easier to take, and so much more likely to be seen as genuinely helpful.

When I go into a crit, I usually try to get my energy up and my mindset into a positive space before I do. I try to remember that on the other end of this work of fiction is a human person who, in the act of offering their work up for feedback, is making themselves vulnerable. If I catch myself dryly pointing out errors without saying much positive, I know that it’s either not a good time for me to be offering crit, or I need to slow down a little and enjoy what I’m reading. (In rare cases, it means I’m not the right person to be beta-ing that particular story.) I try to read like a reader, not like a writer. I try to avoid reading like I do when I’m combing my own stuff for infelicitous turns of phrase or bad logic, unless that’s what the writer has requested.

If you yourself are from the Hell Place and believe that You Work Best When You’re Being Punched In the Face and So Should Everyone Else, first, uh, you probably need a hug, but also, try offering positive crit the next time you beta for someone, and see what a difference it makes. If you’ve never received a crit that’s largely positive, consider asking for one, the next time you go to a trusted beta. Ask them to tell you whatever it is that they think is working. (If they refuse, find someone else who is not from the Hell Place.)

Even if you’re not from the Hell Place, give positive crit a try. We certainly have enough misery in this world. There are many, many reasons to spread some joy, especially where that joy is functional, helpful, and potentially life-changing.

I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

#writing #beta reading #fic writers' retreat

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pixel-pumpkins · 5 years

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6 games this year alone - post mortem

At the beginning of this year I made a plan to make 6 games in 2019, one being released every two months. My initial idea was that I use the first month to plan everything, and then use the second month to make everything, with the release happening on the last day of the second month.

I released two games this year under varying levels of success of hitting those deadlines: Saltwater Shells and Reach Out (and grab a hold of your goals). I was beginning to work on a Yume Nikki fangame for YNFG Jam, but I never finished it beyond a few early areas and messing with the tile design and minor animations.

The goal of this plan was to release more games than I had released in 2018, which was a grand ol total of 3. I was hoping, with giving myself deadlines that were not just like a week long jam, having 2 months would let me create something that was a little bit more thought out and well articulated.

Such is the nature of game design that I don’t think I really hit my goals all that much. I’m still happy with what I made to a certain extent, but the extraneous issues with the games and their release are what I think I need to work on.

Going chronologically, Saltwater Shells really tested my metal in the best of ways, and I’m pretty happy with a lot of it. I think I was overly ambitious but almost everything I set out to do is in that game. The only things that got cut was additional NPCs that you would’ve been able to interact with and give a little bit more narrative to the action of collecting sea shells. I think the game works without it, but that’s mostly everything I cut out from that game.

The release of Saltwater Shells was delayed by 10 days. A large bulk of the asset work for Saltwater Shells was done before then actually, it was just the final code that I was working on that needed to be in place so, you know, the game was actually playable. Also around that time was when I left my previous job and started at my new one. I had initially planned to be done with the game earlier since I was going to have a week off between jobs, but then it turned into just a weekend between jobs. I had to travel to Wisconsin, got a really terrible cold the day I traveled, and then travel back over the course of 3 days. I was still sick at my new job when I started it too and it was a lot of things to juggle really quickly and I still wasn’t done with the game.

Saltwater Shells still released though. I’m really happy about that. But the deadlines ended up being something that I kept having problems with. This ends up being a recurring issue, if you could believe it.

The second game was Reach Out (and grab ahold of your goals). I planned it from the start to be a crane game style game, and maybe a little bit more depressing in terms of your inability to accomplish life necessary things due to executive dysfunction or what have you. I also tried using Construct3 for the first time. So it was a learning curve of getting used to a new engine, as well as trying to pull off my plan. I used Construct3 because I really hate coding guys. Like I really hate it. I will code because I have to and I have the skills to do it, but if there’s one thing I would love to not do for the rest of my life, it would be coding. I experimented with trying to use a couple of other engines for this game, but what appeals to me about Construct was it’s pretty painless 2D physics, something that really trips me up in Unity constantly.

Being able to make a crane game was really rewarding, but really difficult turns out. This game ended up being delayed by 10 days from its original April 30th planned release date. I was really hoping to be able to get the game out on time this time, but I got sick again, and the physics method I was using was literally breaking everything or made the game unplayable.

The way Reach Out looks now is cut down significantly from where it originally stood. There was going to be at least 5 more levels and different goals per level of the crane game. There was also going to be a better method of gamifying your energy score vs. what it exists as now. I just ran out of time again.

I didn’t make any other games after that. My Yume Nikki fangame was going somewhere, but I got occupied with playing a lot of dungeons and dragons, and even wrote my own campaign. I didn’t get very far, but I liked what I had made but my energy to make games was waning after Reach Out.

I don’t like Reach Out as a game. I like the crane game part of it, because I love crane games. But it just serves as a grim reminder of my own inability to take care of myself, ironically, something the game tries to promote. My mental health went to hell before Reach Out came out and I don’t know if I’ve really recovered from the headspace I put myself in trying to finish that game. I really hurt myself mentally and physically trying to produce something that I knew was the antithesis of the product I was creating. I hate lying and dishonesty more than anything and I was being entirely dishonest with myself and my audience putting it out there under the conditions it was created in.

Promises and deadlines are the enemy to my success I think in a lot of ways. I really hate putting deadlines on things, for some reason time sensitive activities have always driven my anxiety up a wall that paralyze me. “How did you survive school?” a lot of procrastination and likewise bad mental health places. I put a lot of pressure on myself, and I think self-imposed deadlines hurt me much more than those others assign to me.

Knowing myself and my limits, I don’t want to think that this project was some kind of self flagellation, trying to push myself into a bad crunch corner that games so often perpetuate just to meet a deadline. I did QA for games, and crunch fucking sucks. I do QA for a photography company now, and crunch still fucking sucks.

The worst part about all of this is that I've been trying to write more scripts for games, I’ve been trying to learn how to use ren’py and some other game engines I’ve come across. I want to make games because I still really love them, but there’s like some kind of negative spike in the back of my head that doesn’t want me to make another game right now.

I’ve been taking a break the past couple of months from feeling pressured to create something, I have been chilling, drawing stuff for dnd, reading sherlock holmes stories, and watching a lot of youtube videos. I’m trying not to think about it and let myself recover from… some kind of hell I created for myself.

This post-mortem kind of sucks because all it really shows is that I learned I can’t beat myself and should try to work within my limits. I think that’s valuable but I really want to make a game right now. Anyway, I’m writing it also as a way to explain what’s been going on in my head lately surrounding making games. Games are fun and I’m glad you guys all like the weird ones I’ve made. I hope when I post a new one you all will enjoy it.

thanks for being here. I’ll be back when I’m ready.

#feel free to read this #its kind of an update but also a post mortem on the first part of this year for me #6 games this year alone plan

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sashank-kanchustambam · 5 years

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Instinct

Disclaimer : Please don't be an asshole and complain about my grammatical errors... I'm a normal person who is filling in his diary... not my mistake that you got hold of it

2. April.2018

Everyday I see this guy in the school recess; his name is Sameer. Anyways...the point is I don't like him. You ask me why.......I really don't have an answer..... I've never even talked to him, but I just instinctually dislike him.

12.April.2018

It was just like any other recess, and my eyes caught Sameer again; I noticed it for the first time..he actually is very physically attractive... I'd totally do him..... but yeah, I dislike him.....So I don't think I'll be doing anything of that sort....

I know all this might seem 'weird', but take two steps back and watch; there's always that person (or maybe more) who you just don't like..At this point of time that's exactly what Sameer is to me.

Weird how I say I don't like him.... but I keep writing about him. Well if you're fed up of Sameer already... I'm sorry

I'm in a boys school...and you narrow minded people might be stereotyping that we discuss girls all the time.... Though it's not completely true ... it can be sometimes... but I hardly have an opinion when it comes to 'who is hotter?'

16.April.2018

I was eating my food on a bench when I noticed a ball rolling towards me and a voice followed the ball....“Yo, Tanvir, .... throw the ball here.” you're not Sherlock... It's pretty obvious that's Sameer. I picked the ball up and threw it to him and he shouted “ Thanks Yo. ” I thought he was supposed to be a rude guy, but a rude guy wouldn't say 'Thanks' to a guy he hardly knows...and he knew my name too... maybe he's not all bad.

I typed his name on Instagram.. his bio read

“17

🌈 🌈 🌈

like playing Cricket and I kinda love writing random shit

🏏🖊️🖊️🖊️”

I followed him...and was unexpectedly satisfied when he followed me back.The ‛kinda hatred’ was kinda slowly fading away.

18.April. 2018

The bell for the recess rang and I stopped Aniruddh form running away....“Can I play cricket with you guys today?”.... Anirudh replied “I literally call you to play everyday, come ”.....I used to play cricket for the school up until class 10... Sameer joined school in 11th so never got a chance to play with him.....I didn't mind playing some recess cricket... Though the actual reason was Sameer.

It was the third over and I was batting against sameer's bowling....He's like 6'2 and bowls very fast.... but that didn't stop me form hitting him for 5 consecutive 4s.....I didn't expect the 6th ball to be a bouncer......I mean the ball doesn't need to bounce that high for my short ass but it still was a bouncer and it hit me hard on my lips ..... I threw the bat and fell to the ground...... Sameer started to say “sorry!!!!!” and ran towards me....he took his handkerchief out and pressed my bleeding lips with it....while his other hand rested my head.....my heart started beating at an extremely high rate.... it maybe even hit 120..... I'm totally crushing on him.... All it took is one thank you to make me not dislike him.... Maybe instincts are not always right.... maybe you should try talking to that one person who you hate for no reason.

24th April 2018

It's been 6 days since the handkerchief incident ........ I and Sameer have become closer......I mean we were never close before, so let's just stick to close instead of closer. Except for the height we're pretty similar....we love cricket, we love writing (tho I write only this diary), We're huge 'The office' fans and we vibe well.... the initial negative vibes are converted into complete positive vibes....we started to text a lot too.

While I was walking back to my class with Anirudh, Sameer stopped me and said “Yo Guys can you both come over to my place this saturday for a sleep over ?” Anirudh replied “I'm up” and looked at me....I said that I'll have to ask at home.... I knew my mom was going to allow but she can be unpredictable sometimes like all other moms.

Mom said “yeah you can go, but you'll have to come for the wedding on sunday”.......God!! I hate those weddings..... All that happens there is that a bunch of awkward-unforgettable memories are formed in my brain..... But as they say “To get something...you have to lose something”... well I'm not exactly losing anything, but you get the point right..

“ Tanvir! Does mom know that you're gay yet?” my sister asked... She wasn't mocking..it was a genuine question... “Not yet.... I'll tell it when I feel it's right though”

“You know she might freak out right?”

“Naah I don't think so”

28th April 2018

Though I and sameer were okay..... Aniruddh was high and drunk at the same time....he was doing all sorts of random shit....he almost put his fingers on a moving fan....He randomly just said “Guys clapping your hands is just so weird...I mean why do we bang our palms with each other when something good happens, I can't understand”. When I actually thought about it, it made partial sense.

You know those moments in which all the friends all of a sudden wip their phones out and get lost in their screens..... while we were having such a moment, Sameer noticed that Anirudh is asleep and said “Tanvir.... wanna chill in the balcony?”

He spotted out constellations to me.... This was the first time I noticed the constellations outside the books and the screen. So he thinks that Virat Kohli is a better player than Sachin and Lara, which I'll never agree to but I'll let it go. While he was laughing, I couldn't stop myself from staring at his lips.......he probably noticed that and became quiet....we looked into eachothers eyes for a few seconds and I slowly moved closer ........ I don't know how, but my lips were now hardly 3 centimeters away from his lips .....while I covered the 25 centimeters, he covered the last 3 centimeters.......and just like that I had my first kiss at the age of 17 and I know it sounds cliche like any other part in this diary... But it was beautiful.

2nd may 2018

Sameer hasn't come to school since then, but we talk a lot on text and on the phone too......I needed to say it, there was no point keeping it in.. so I said it..... more like typed it... But there's hardly any difference between those two these days.

‛Uhmmm..... this might sound weird.....You probably already know it.....I like you.....as in I feel stuff for you...... don't think it's because of the kiss... I've liked you before that also....I sometimes just think about you and start blushing.... If you feel the same ....do you want to take it a notch higher?’

I unsent and sent this message atleast 7 times... While I was going to do it for the 8th time he saw the message....... I immediately closed the chat and threw my phone away to the other sofa.....I just looked to the other side and started to bite my nails ....... all sort of thoughts were crossing my mind.....

‛Wow...that escalated quick..... I've always found you really cute Tanvir....and I could feel the vibe since the time you started playing with us..... I've never dated a guy before this.... but I think you're special enough for that...yes we should take it a ‛notch’ higher 😂💓💓’

My face was burning red and just like that I made my first boy friend ........also at the age of 17.

2nd June 2018

Today summer vaccation starts.... I mean summer holidays are enough to make me happy but I'm also happy cause I'll have more time to hangout with Sameer.... also it's our 1st month anniversary today... But sadly he won't be able to make it to the party at Anirudh's place because he's moving places and is busy with it...... I'll write the rest tomorrow after the party probably....Ill probably stay over at Anirudh's... That's what I told to mom

3rd June 2018

Yesterday night shit went down..... I'm not in a good mood right now...and won't be in it for few weeks probably.....

While I was partying, all I could think about was how my mom always trusts me and keeps saying that I'm an honest boy......I was feeling really guilty that I didn't tell her this.....I stopped dancing at once...and was just staring at the floor.....I started whispering repeatedly “I need to leave.....I need to leave..” and then the sound of my voice slowly increased....and I ran out of the place........ I literally jogged 4 kilometers to my house...and was panting heavily.....It was around 10:30 .....I thought to myself that mom wouldn't be asleep and I was ready to tell her about my sexuality...I confidently stood outside her room, took a deep breath, and opened the door......the second I opened the door... while I was on my way to shout ‛maa’....she was making out with someone....I felt really embarrassed and closed the door.... But not completely...... as a weird thought crossed my mind I opened the door again(....(btw all this happened in a 2 second period.....).....What I saw can not be unwatched.....MY MOTHER WAS MAKING OUT WITH SAMEER.....I closed the door with all the energy I had and probably broke a hinge....I walked to my room....I was feeling heartbroken and extremely pissed at the same time.....I locked myself in.... Sameer was banging on my door and said “I didn't know she was your mom tanvir... I'm sorry”... well even though he didn't.... what he did was cheating....and I did not feel very well.....I probably should have went with my INSTINCT and continued to DISLIKE him.

Also today is the day.......The day I throw this diary away ..... feel lucky if you find it

Instinct......Tanvir Manchanda

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breakingarrows · 5 years

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The Duology of Sherlock Holmes and A Game of Shadows

[This was originally published on VerticalSliceMedia.com in 2018 and is republished from the latest draft I have]

Holding Sherlock Holmes dear to my heart I was delighted to watch the 2009 adaptation directed by Guy Ritchie and starring Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law. Having started reading the classic novels and short stories during junior year of high school, the release of the film only propelled me further into the many adaptations of the character and continually draws me into new ones. The soundtrack is great, the action fit the canon, the chemistry between our two lead actors is entertaining, and the mystery is fun to follow due to the truth hiding underneath the shadow of the supernatural, something past Holmes’ story The Hound of the Baskervilles did to great effect. Two years later and all the key people return for A Game of Shadows, this time featuring Holmes’ greatest adversary, Professor Moriarty. While my younger self initially enjoyed the film as a follow up, frequent viewings and thinking since has degraded it to a mediocre follow up with some bright spots to save it from utter failure.

Immediately apparent in Sherlock Holmes (2009) is that the film does not shy away from, and instead embraces, the fact that the Holmes of the classic novels was physically adept and knowledgeable in hand to hand combat. The film combines this with his rapid deductions, as he observes a combatants physical body for weaknesses and proceeds to list out the varying blows and strikes necessary to knock them out. This is done at the very beginning as he infiltrates Blackwoods ritualistic killing grounds and again later during an underground boxing match. A Game of Shadows succeeds in expanding upon this, with an introductory fight flashing images and heightened sounds in place of a methodical breakdown. Holmes later gives a detailed breakdown but is interrupted by Zimza’s throwing knives midway through its execution. Lastly, his mental projections are turned against him, as Moriarty recognizes it and begins his own list of counters and blows until Holmes realizes his ultimate defeat. These scenes are a clever combination of the often overlooked fact that Holmes was an excellent fighter in addition to his wealth of knowledge. Deductions on the opponents status and likely responses, as well as their time of recovery, are medically detached. This matches Holmes’ approach to not just criminal cases but interpersonal matters.

Humor in the 2009 film came from dialogue between Holmes and Watson and the formers manic energy when moving around the scene. From his thinly contained panic at the presence of Irene Adler, to shutting down when Watson proposes a meeting with his soon-to-be-fiance, Mary Morstan, Robert Downey Jr. does a phenomenal job portraying Holmes in all of his eccentricities. A Game of Shadows continues this but tends to rely on greatly exaggerated scenarios. Holmes crossdresses in order to infiltrate a train; his brother walks around fully naked despite the presence of Mary; Holmes drives an automobile of his own design, and has a fear, or distrust, of horses to the point that he rides a miniature one. Due to A Game of Shadows’ reliance on an excess of the strange, the humor fails to capitalize on the success of the first. Even the dialogue, one of the greatest assets of the original, is jeopardized by a recycled conflict.

In Sherlock Holmes (2009) the primary conflict is the mystery regarding Blackwood’s return from the dead and his end goal. The secondary conflict is that Watson is moving in with his future-fiance Mary. Holmes does not want this to happen but can’t outright say it because to do so would be to acknowledge his attachment to Watson. In Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows the primary conflict is the mystery regarding Moriarty’s bombings and his end goal. The secondary conflict is that Watson is marrying and leaving on honeymoon with Mary and Holmes does not want this to happen but can’t outright say it because to do so would be to acknowledge his attachment to Watson. While the primary conflict differentiates itself by playing on international tension in Europe and the inevitability of the first world war, I cannot forgive the recycling of tension underlying Holmes’ and Watson’s relationship.

At the end of the 2009 film, Holmes regifts Irene Adler’s stolen gem to Watson as an engagement ring. This serves as both an apology for causing Watson to lose the original one during the case and as his blessing in regards to their union. However in A Game of Shadows it is reverted back to Holmes complaining about how Watson is making a mistake in marrying Mary. It is as if the filmmakers could not come up with another secondary conflict. They could have centered it around Holmes’ self-destruction during his obsession with Moriarty and Watson’s attempts to stem the tide of mortality threatening to consume Holmes. Or they could have evolved the Watson versus Sebastian Moran angle they so desperately wanted to play into but potentially left open for a undeveloped third film. Instead we retread a conflict solved by the first, something that really sullies sequels and other Sherlock adaptations. Star Trek: Into Darkness was criticized for retreading Kirk’s stubbornness, and by the fourth season of the BBC’s Sherlock series people were tired of Holmes constantly teetering between an asshole and caring about those around him.

Matching RDJ’s manic portrayal of Holmes is the soundtrack to the 2009 film, which has a cohesion and energy to it that creates a wonderful album that frequently drives my focus when working or writing. Each track has a recurring reliance on violin and piano for its core sound. One of my favorite pieces of trivia regarding the soundtrack is Hans Zimmer’s quote, “We rented 20th Century Fox’s underground car park one Sunday and did hideous things to a piano.” Tracks vary between rise and falls of volume, with the opening track “Discombobulate” being the greatest example as the opening features a few light notes before a sharp change to bombastic orchestra. Another standout is “Not in Blood, But in Bond” which accompanies a slow-motion, audio-drained scene of a dock being blown apart. The drab violin solo gives way to a mournful orchestra to accentuate the emotion of the scene.

While Hans Zimmer returns for A Game of Shadows the full soundtrack features too many tracks that simply do not fit the mood of the rest. The opening three tracks form one long theme and acts with the intention to usurp “Discombobulate”, as the introduction is nearly the same. However, instead of an instant jump into bombast, it is a long, drawn out process with some crescendos that crash like waves in and out. “Tick Tock” is the standout for this album, as it patiently builds and builds until it finally breaks into a full on sprint forward, spilling its energy into the next track. Unfortunately, “It’s So Overt It’s Covert”, “Romanian Wind”, “To The Opera!”, “Two Mules for Sister Sara”, and “Die Forelle” cause such confusion as to the overall tone of the soundtrack that it derails the quality.

A successor to “Not in Blood, But in Bond” is seen in “Zu Viele Füchse Für Euch Hänsel” which plays during a great sequence in which our heroes are attempting to escape Moriarty’s forces in a forest. The framerate frequently slows down to showcase bullets destroying the surrounding trees. An inspired section within this sequence shows the camera moving in unison with the positioning, loading, and firing of a large artillery gun. This camera movement plays into the soundtracks transference of energy from the film into the audience by transforming the camera from a still observer to active participant. Sadly small glimmers of high quality such as this cannot save the otherwise mundane sequel.

Irene Adler’s insertion among the conflict of the first film, as both an interested third party and clever way to lean into Moriarty for the sequel, was wonderfully done. She brings about a panic in Holmes when she first appears, with her legacy as making an “ass” out of Holmes twice. Such a strong character with a unique relationship with Holmes has such potential that it was a shock to see her removed so early on in A Game of Shadows. I understand the reasoning behind it though, as killing Irene both establishes Moriarty’s cruelty and capability given her status as a beloved figure in both our and Holmes’ hearts and her history of beating Holmes at his own game, twice. The scene itself is evocative, as Moriarty causes the entire restaurant to exit upon his cue and kills Irene via poison despite her request for a fresh batch of tea to be served in place of what was awaiting her. Causing the exit of one strong character to establish the arrival of the villain is effective, but the impact doesn’t have much weight beyond the initial shock. Moriarty’s intent to harm Watson establishes his cruelty on its own and his capability is shown via a misdirection when Holmes goes to the opera instead of the hotel wherein a bombing compounds the already present anxiety between European countries. New character Zimza subs in for Irene but fails to deliver anything close to the performance of Rachel McAdams.

Most of A Game of Shadows feels rushed and lacking much thought. The removal of Irene Adler early on makes a good initial impact emotionally but lacks any depth upon further reflection. Holmes gives his life, but that sacrifice is cheapened by a final reveal. While I understand the necessity behind having to show Holmes alive for a still-undeveloped third film, it removes any emotion of his sacrifice to eliminate Moriarty out of fear for Watson and Mary’s life. Disguises are overdone instead of subtle, the soundtrack frequently undermines itself, and some character interactions just fall flat. A conflict between Holmes and Watson is recycled, the humor continually fails to do anything clever, and while Moriarty proves to be a sinister and entertaining antagonist, it doesn’t save the movie from failing to continue the success of the first. Sherlock Holmes (2009) is an excellent adaptation of Holmes and Watson in their comradery, in Watson’s own capability separate from Holmes, in the exemplification of Holmes’ combat prowess, and as a mystery with supernatural leanings that turn out to be scientific in nature. Given more time I do believe a third film could be great, I just wish A Game of Shadows was better than it is.

#Sherlock Holmes #A Game of Shadows #Robert Downey Jr #Jude Law #Guy Ritchie #Criticism #writing

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perryavenue · 5 years

Text

Elementary, My Dear Anderson

Chapter Four

For Klaine Advent 2018 Also on AO3

Chapter one Chapter two Chapter three

Day 10: Light Day 12: Language

When Blaine woke up, he felt disoriented, and his head ached. He was in Kurt’s old bedroom, lying in bed, dressed in his pajamas, with no memory of how he got there. He was about to get up and see what was going on when there was a knock at the door.

“Come in,” Blaine said, and froze. His voice sounded strange and unfamiliar; as if he was speaking a different language. Before he could give it any further thought, Kurt rushed into the room.

"Come, Watson, come! The game is afoot. Not a word! Into your clothes and come!"

Blaine was confused. Why was Kurt speaking in an English accent, why had he called him Watson, and why had he just spoken the opening line from his recent play? Something was very strange.

Blaine opened his mouth to ask Kurt what was going on, but what came out instead, in an accent that would have been right at home in central London, was “Straight away, Holmes.”

Blaine was utterly dumbfounded. Oblivious to Blaine’s dilemma, Kurt stepped close and pulled him out of bed. Blaine stumbled and stared at Kurt, taking in his slim dark wool slacks over tapered leather boots, a button down shirt with collar and tie, and a waistcoat sporting a watch chain. It looked eerily similar to the costume Kurt had worn in the play. “My dear Watson, I can only give you a few minutes to get ready. Detective Evans is waiting in the parlor.”

When had Sam become a detective? None of this made sense.

Kurt considered Blaine carefully, his head tilted, his index finger tapping the side of his nose. “A bit unsettled this morning, are we? Why don’t I have Mrs. Hudson prepare a cup of tea while you dress. Yes, that’s the ticket!” Kurt turned on his heels and closed the door behind him.

Blaine collapsed on the bed, his head in his hands. He felt like the universe had shifted sideways. Why would Kurt call Carole “Mrs. Hudson?” Sure, that was her last name before she hyphenated it when she married Burt, but Kurt hadn’t used it in years.

Suddenly, Blaine felt a lightbulb go on inside his head. Method Acting. That HAD to be it. For whatever reason, Kurt had decided to inhabit his Sherlock Holmes character again. It wasn’t the first time. Blaine remembered Kurt assuming his Holmes persona for hours at home when he was still in the play. Leave it to Kurt to just go ahead and do it on a whim for Burt and Carole’s enjoyment without letting Blaine in on the plan. Whatever. Blaine was nothing if not a good sport. He could play along.

Blaine quickly washed up, shaved and dressed. He glanced at himself in the mirror just before he walked out of the bedroom, and stopped. In his hurry to get ready, he hadn’t paid much attention to his clothes, which was very unlike him. Instead of his usual bright colors and patterns, Blaine was wearing a rather boxy greyish brown tweed suit, white shirt and grey bow tie. Too late to change, he decided. This would have to do. He turned off the light and shut the door.

Kurt was waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs with a steaming cup of tea, in a pretty floral cup and saucer. Kurt smiled approvingly as he handed it to Blaine.

“Ah! Looking splendid. That’s the Watson I like to see!” Blaine glanced down, and it occurred to him how his clothes were very similar to what Dr. Watson wore in the play. Was Kurt determined to have him inhabit the Watson character as fully as Kurt’s own commitment to be Holmes?

Kurt interrupted his train of thought. “Mrs. Hudson left milk and sugar in the parlor, along with some fresh scones. Shall we? We shouldn’t keep Detective Evans waiting any longer.”

Blaine was puzzled. “Holmes, why do you call her Mrs. Hudson?”

Kurt looked surprised. “How else shall I refer to our landlady and housekeeper?

Blaine was startled but quickly realized his mistake. If Kurt was fully committed to his role (and Blaine knew that Kurt did nothing by halves) then he would remain in character every moment. That didn’t explain why Blaine seemed to be in character, too, but he was sure he’d figure it out soon. He dutifully followed Kurt into the living room.

Detective Samuel Evans, wearing a somewhat wrinkled tan raincoat over his suit, was pacing up and down in front of the fireplace, his hands stuffed in his coat pockets. Kurt observed him for several seconds before saying, “Good morning, Detective.”

A worried Evans returned the greeting, ran his right hand through his thick blonde hair and held it out to Kurt. He looked down at Evans’s hand, hesitated, shook his head, and reached for Blaine's arm.

“Have you met my colleague and biographer, Dr. Watson?”

Blaine preened at Kurt’s words. So he had become Kurt’s biographer! Oh wait, maybe he was Holmes’s biographer instead. This was so confusing.

Evans extended his hand to Blaine. “I don’t think so. How do you do, Dr. Watson?”

Out of habit, Blaine took Evans’s hand to shake it, and instantly wished he hadn’t. He pulled out his handkerchief from his pants pocket, and began to wipe hair pomade off his hand. Kurt gave him a sympathetic look before turning back to Evans.

“Our landlady has set out scones and tea, and Dr. Watson hasn’t eaten yet. Why don’t we sit down and you can tell me about this new case that is troubling you.”

The three men served themselves, and then took their seats; Kurt in the high backed arm chair, Blaine on the sofa, and Evans alongside of him.

Evans eyed Kurt suspiciously. “How did you know I’m here about a new case, and why do you think I’m troubled?”

Kurt sighed. “My dear Detective Evans, are these questions truly necessary? You know my methods. Your socks don’t match, signifying that you dressed in haste this morning, perhaps in response to an unexpected call. There is a magnifying glass peeking out of your coat pocket. You enjoy emulating me, so you are never without your magnifying glass when you are on a case. Your detective’s notebook is peeking out of your other coat pocket. You were wearing out the carpet in front of the fireplace when Watson and I entered the room, a sign of nerves. There are at least four other clues on your person that lead me to the same conclusion, but perhaps it’s time to get to the point of your visit?”

Evans visibly deflated. “My apologies, Mr. Holmes.”

“Apology accepted, Detective.”

“I just really need your help to crack this case.”

“That’s why we are here,” Kurt observed. “Proceed.”

“McKinley’s National Show Choir Competition First Place Trophy has been stolen!”

To be continued

Note: The Advent words are not being used consecutively, except in the first two chapters. You’ll find that they appear out of order in different chapters, based on where they fit best.

#perryavenue fic #klaine advent 2018 #klaine advent: light #klaine advent: language

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luminoustico · 5 years

Note

For End of the Year Writing Meme: All the questions sound super interesting so just use this as an opportunity to answer whatever questions interest you most

So funny story I put this in my drafts to complete in the quiet time of New Year’s Day, but then I forgot about it completely. BRACE YOURSELF.

A. If you could rec a piece of music to accompany one of your fics, what would you pick? Why?

Lies by Marina and the Diamonds, to accompany the latter half of Valse Melancolique. It’s a really good song to show Irene’s POV at that point, especially her reluctance to accept that the webs she’s spun are basically collapsing around her.

“I just want it to be perfect / To believe it’s all been worth the fight,” is the most relevant set of lyrics, IMO.

B. Who’s your favourite side-character from something you wrote?

I really enjoyed writing side characters like Rose and Finn, though Rose just edges it because I’ve been enjoying writing her in Don’t Complicate It. Finn runs a very close second.

C. Get any good comments on your stuff this year?

Sure! All comments are good comments, let’s be real. Unless they’re an obvious troll comment or those “update now!!!” kind of comments. Those aren’t so good.

D. Any drawings or pictures that had a big influence on your writing?

The artwork of the late 18th century and Roberto Ferri definitely influenced the tone of Valse Melancolique. Many scenes from certain stories were driven by a single image I had in my head as well.

E. Who’s your favourite main character you’ve written?

Though I do enjoy delving into Ben/Kylo’s psyche, I enjoy writing Rey more – she’s more enclosed, and I love chipping away at characters to get to their truths.

G. Where do you think you grew the most this year?

Towards the end of the year, I began to realise that writing can actually be fun like it used to be. I’ve been so aware of the way the world is currently that I’ve been convincing myself that my writing must have a message, or it’s not ‘worthy’. I need to understand that I started writing not to pass on any morals or messages, but as a release and a way to find enjoyment in the constant buzz.

H. How do you write? Paper, pen, computer? Music, no music?

All of those. I write on my phone, on my computer, on pen and paper. Music and no music, it depends. Most often I’m listening to a playlist/album which then stops and I cease writing an hour or so later realising I’ve been writing in silence.

I. What’s your favourite work you did this year? Why?

I’m always tempted to answer this kind of question with my most recent story. But I’m going to be really honest and say that star among the stars is a personal favourite. And it’s not just because of the pegging.

J. What are the best jokes you told this year? Any jokes you thought were funny that people didn’t catch? Vice-versa?

I’m completely blanking on this one.

K. Who have you killed this year? Why did they have to die?

Qui-Gon Jinn (to match with canon), Molly and Sherlock (hey it was a story based on Dangerous Liaisons, and I was reading classical Russian literature at the time of plotting) and Kylo Ren a bunch of times (metaphorically).

L. Which character did you most write about this year, and why do you like ‘em?

I wrote more about Rey. As mentioned before, it’s because I like chipping away at a character’s surface but also it’s because I really relate to her, especially in regards to her feelings of loneliness and her tendency to put on ‘a brave face’. Plus I really admire her compassion and her strength. I envy it.

M. Meta! Have any meta about a story you’re dying to throw out there?

Not particularly -- just headcanons and reasons behind why I write what I write. (I’ve never been very good with meta anyway.) I really like it when other people meta my fic, or pick up on something I didn’t! That is an AMAZING feeling.

O. Do you believe in outlines? Show us one!

I do indeed! I love my outlines. For some projects, I’ve got whole folders with docs labelled Initial Ideas, Plot Summary, Chapter Outline, etc. etc. I’ve got my notes app on my phone stuffed up to the gills with mini-outlines. I frequently use my story structure template, which is technically more for screenplays, but the breaking down into acts thing helps my brain figure things out.

P. What are your pet peeves in other people’s work?

When an author relies too much on UST and ruins the pacing. Like, an author drags out the first getting together because they believe that the anticipation is the only thing generating comments. If it’s right to have them bang, have them bang! The awkward morning after is a delicious opportunity for UST -- just a different kind. 9 times out of 10, your readers are there not for the smut because they’re invested in the story and like your writing.

Q. Quote three bits of writing you read this year. Can be your writing, or not.

Let’s mix it up.

“ “Why did you do that?” he demanded as they ducked into a side alley. “What part of ‘keep a low profile’ is difficult for you to understand?”

“I’m a good haggler,” Rey said through a full mouth. She didn’t have any idea what she was eating, and she didn’t care. It took so much effort to chew each bite instead of gulping it down whole. “He was trying to cheat us.”

“You didn’t haggle. You pushed.”

“I did not. Why would I knock him over in the middle of his stand?”

Kylo just stared. “You need a teacher,” he muttered. He watched her eat for a moment, his expression somewhere between thoughtful and disgusted, before taking a bite from one of his own skewers. Disgust won out. ” -- Symmetry and Black Tar by audreyii_fic. (Grumpy smuggler Kylo Ren, spunky scavenger Rey, canon divergence. Excellent.)

“ "Ben," Rey breathes once Kylo's mere inches away. It's the name Luke introduced him with, the only name she knows him by, and he's never bothered to correct her. Why hasn't he corrected her? The question flees from his mind as she closes her eyes and he leans down into the space between them, kissing her full on the lips. It's not gentle, he doesn't know how to be, but she opens for him the way the flowers she loves so much bloom in the sunlight. ” -- the surface of last scattering by diasterisms. (It’s the apocalypse, it’s exactly the right time to meet the love of your life, right? Read for utter devastation.)

“ Rey could spend hours in the Falcon’s inner workings. She’d spent so much time in the belly of hollowed-out Star Destroyers, which were horrific remnants of old worlds, cold and grey. The Falcon is alive, speaking a strange language she’s just about half-deciphered. Sometimes, on days where she misses the connection most and dreams of a boy reaching across the stars to find her, it feels like the Falcon doesn’t want to speak to her. It shuts down. Sparks spit at her, and mechanisms develop odd faults.Today, a jet of steam blows directly in her face, not harmful, but almost like a snarl of 'go away'.

Rey climbs out of the hatch, fetching tools. She works with that fault first.

“I’m not thinking about him,” she promises to no-one but the ship she’s looking after. ” -- If I was born as a blackthorn tree, by me!

R. If you had to rewrite one of your stories from scratch, which one would it be? What would you do to it?

Going to cheat here and head back to 2017. I’d rewrite Two Stars Aligned. What I’d probably do is make it a post-TLJ fic, where Rey and Ben decide to run away after getting involved in a secret relationship, but get shot down by the First Order -- after landing in Giaca, they become embroiled in Game of Thrones style politics and the ruling families, while the Resistance and the First Order conduct searches for them. I’d cut out the weird Force shit and make the redemption arc thing more organic by giving the whole story room to bloody breathe. Two Stars Aligned is actually the reason why I now try to stick to oneshots for exchanges and any anthologies I get involved in.

S. What’s the sexiest thing you wrote this year?

Sexiest thing written in 2018... It’ll have to be the pegging in star among the stars.

T. Themes, motherfucker, do you have them? What are they?

Feminism. Females being allowed to be as fucked-up and broody as the men they love, and perhaps, even broodier. Make women afraid of commitment, 2k19.

U. Any stories that took an abrupt U-turn from where you thought they were going?

If I were a blackthorn tree took a pleasing turn away from the initial outline. The initial idea was lots of secret trysts and stuff like that, but I much prefer the quiet romance with a note of hope at the end that it turned out to be.

V. Which story was the most viscerally pleasing to write? Tell us your narrative kinks.

Huh. Hm. Don’t Complicate It is turning out to be kind of fun to write; when I’m not allowing myself to be crippled by the brain goblins that is (they’re strong lately). It’s a combo of writing a trope/kink I’ve been wanting to write for ages -- A/B/O -- and remembering that it’s okay to have fun with it.

W. Who are your favourite writers?

@kylo-wouldnt-like-those-chips - @conchepcion (every time I think I’m out, she pulls me back in *shakes fist*) - @introspectivenavelgazer - @audreyii-fic - @kylorenvevo - ambiguously - @fettuccine-alfreylo and SO MANY MORE (this post is long enough already!!)

X. What’s your least favourite work of this year?

My least favourite has to be In Cars. It was an ambitious idea, which I didn’t really fulfil, I feel. Curse of being a perfectionist. I want something to be amazing. World-changing! Tear-jerking! I want Vestal virgins to weep golden tears over my words, already delicately transcribed onto ancient parchment by monks. Obviously, that’s an impossible standard, but I can’t help being cross when I don’t reach it.

Y. Why did you write? For fun, for a friend, for acclaim?

During 2018? Mostly for acclaim. It made 2018 a very difficult year for writing, and just a difficult year in general. I’m trying to make sure I have fun during 2019 with this stuff. Striving for perfection is a punishing task that no-one can ever accomplish because perfection doesn’t exist. Contentment does, though. As does happiness. And those should be more important.

Z. If you could choose one work and immediately finish it, what would it be? How would you end it?

I’d finish Sanctum, my priest Kylo fic. I’m split between continuing or rewriting anyway (the rewrite would include relocating the action to the medieval era, around the time Luther wrote that damned essay and pinned it to the church door). But I do know the exact image I want to finish on, which will remain whether I end up rewriting or not. It involves a name, a scrap of material and a rather fetching colour scheme.

Ooh. Cryptic.

#anonymous #answered #end of the year #did i just answer all these q's?#yes #i did #my ego is MASSIVE and i'm so sorry for that #long post for ts

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obsessivedilettante · 5 years

Text

Dramaland Forecast: January 2019

Previously: 2016 - 2017 - 2018

Waaahhh, it’s another year! I feel like I’ve been waiting for 2019 since, like, February, but somehow it still seemed to blindside me and I’m not ready to look ahead and make any goals or resolutions or, well, do much of anything (including watching dramas, haha).

Buuuuut I shall do my best to gather my thoughts on what this year promises us when it comes to dramaland.

Completed:

None. Again. I was even determined to try and finish up the last episodes of a couple of variety shows I’d started (NJTTW and Dancing High), but those are still sitting unwatched on my flash drive. It’s like I have a fear of completion or something. I’m determined to be better this year. 2019 is the year I actually finish dramas! Yeah!

Currently Watching:

Red Moon, Blue Sun aka Children of Nobody -- this drama is a wild ride, y’all, and you should be watching it if only to go “wtf” with me (I mean that in a good way, because the show is genuinely mysterious, and not in a “was this writer smoking crack” way -- although it might end up like the latter in a few weeks if things aren’t resolved to my satisfaction).

Miss Sherlock -- I got a couple more episodes in over the holidays when I was traveling. I’m only a few episodes from finishing the show, but apparently when I’m at home, I prefer to watch things on my laptop instead of my ipad. I need to work on that.

Dropping/skipping:

Groan. Everything, basically. I feel like 2019 is gonna be the year when I tackle my “on-hold” and “to watch” lists because there have been so many dramas in the past few years that I have genuinely wanted to watch (and finish!) but just never got around to it. I’m almost hoping the 2019 offerings are lackluster just so I can get caught up on a few things. But let’s see what’s on offer so far...

Upcoming dramas of interest:

Kingdom -- I think I’ll forever be mildly disgruntled about Netflix being one of the reasons that easy access to dramas is so fractured, but I’m hoping that their investment in this drama by one of my favorite writers will prove to be worthwhile.

Neighborhood Lawyer Jo Deul Ho Season 2 -- I’m interested in this, but I never got around to finishing the first season, so... yeah...

Liver or Die aka What’s Wrong, Poong Sang -- this looks like it could be cute! A wacky family drama with a pretty decent cast. I adore Lee Si Young, so I’m happy to see her in another drama.

The Crowned Clown aka The Man Who Became King -- this sounds like a Prisoner of Zenda type of story, which I always enjoy -- buuuuuuuut I always get a huge roadblock when it comes to historical dramas, even though they’re usually so pretty and lush. Will probably pass on a live-watch, but have a vague idea that I might one day watch it.

Spring Must Be Coming -- a body-swap starring Lee Yuri and Uhm Ji Won? Um, you’ve got my attention! My only concern is that I don’t know who the screenwriter is, so I don’t know what kind of direction this show might take, but the one teaser I’ve seen so far makes it look pretty cute.

Romance is a Supplement -- listen, I don’t hate rom-coms. I really don’t. I don’t hate Lee Jong Suk. I really don’t. But. For whatever reason, I instinctively go “nope” on this just because of that combination. Plus the writer has had some... questionable... takes on rom-com, and I don’t know if I have the patience to enjoy the cuteness and ignore whatever problematic stuff will crop up.

Touch Your Heart -- Lee Dong Wook and Yoo Inna, back together again! Tbh that’s all I really need to know, but the production team and supporting cast also make this sound pretty promising, even if the plot sounds very typical.

Haechi -- I’m happy Jung Il Woo is back, but my track record for historical dramas is truly pitiful, so l doubt I’ll watch this (especially because as much as I like Go Ara, I don’t think she’s a good fit for sageuks).

Big Issue -- this one vaguely interested me until I saw the production team, and now I’m convinced that this will likely start out pretty awesome but then turn into a confusing dumpster fire at the end.

Possessed -- a psychic and a detective solving crimes -- but without a priest? Hmm, seems suspicious. It’s OCN so it automatically has my attention, although I still want to know more. However, the cast filled with a lot of familiar supporting actors seems pretty promising, because if all those familiar ajusshis decided to add this project to their 2019 roster, then it must be at least decent.

Item -- this has an interesting premise and a really strong cast, and it’s probably the most compelling of the Jan/Feb premieres. But I’m still hesitant for reasons I can’t fully explain (or understand yet).

The Light In Your Eyes -- the ability to manipulate time sounds pretty cool, and Kim Hye Ja pretending to be a younger woman should be one heckava fun ride, but I just don’t understand the appeal of Nam Joo Hyuk in lead roles (in cute supportive roles, yes, but as a leading man? Um, no, thank you). This seems like those kind of dramas I might like in spite of the leads and would wish that it would focus more on the secondary characters.

Dear Citizens -- I’ve missed Siwon! And it sounds like this character leans on his skill as a comedic actor, so I’m tentatively excited, especially since it comes from the writer of Vampire Prosecutor 1 & 2, Bad Guys, Bad Guys: City of Evil, Police Unit 38, and Missing 9, it should also be a decent thriller/mystery, too.

Hot-blooded Priest -- lbr, the only hot-blooded priest I ever need in my life is Handsome Oppa, but apparently priests are practically de rigeur these days. I do think this could be a pretty good drama, just because I’m a fan of mysteries and police procedurals. I’d have more confidence if it were on OCN (although MBC has been impressing me lately).

Vagabond -- tbh this only caught my attention because it reunites Lee Seung Gi and Suzy. I know Gu Family Book was a hot mess, but I enjoyed it despite them being the least interesting thing in it. I don’t know that I’ll tune into their new drama, but it’ll probably get a lot of buzz and do well in the ratings just because of the cast.

Trap -- sounds like a very classic OCN drama with a strong cast. What more can a girl ask for?

When the Devil Calls Your Name -- Jung Kyung Ho making a deal with the devil, sign me up.

Legal High -- I’ve not watched any of the Japanese versions so I’m merely judging this for being a legal drama, but the fact that it’s an adaptation means there’s an extra hurdle to jump.

Aseudal Chronicles -- ...a fantasy? An actual, legit k-drama fantasy that isn’t set in the Joseon era or relying on common mythical stories?? A fantasy that is directed by one of my ultimate faves, Kim Won Suk (known for Misaeng, Signal, My Ajusshi)??? From the writers of Six Flying Dragons and Tree With Deep Roots???? Starring Song Joong Ki and Kim Ji Won???? WHAT IN THE BLESSED DRAMAVERSE HAS ALLOWED THIS TO BE??????? I don’t wanna jinx it but OMG I’m so excited and CAN’T WAIT for a premiere date to be set so I can start to count down the days.

There isn’t a lot so far that is really making me excited about the 2019 offerings yet (except for the obvious handful *cough*ASEUDAL CHRONICLES*cough*). It’s hard to make judgments about shows that are still even barely in the casting stage, and who knows what else will turn up on these forecasts over the year. But there really isn’t a January premiere that feels like a “must watch,” so maybe I’ll attempt to tackle that ginormous “to watch” list this month.

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johnnymundano · 5 years

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First Reformed (2018)

Directed by Paul Schrader

Written by Paul Schrader

Music by Lustmord

Country: United States

Language: English

Running Time: 113 minutes

CAST

Ethan Hawke as Pastor Ernst Toller

Amanda Seyfried as Mary Mensana

Cedric Kyles as Pastor Joel Jeffers

Victoria Hill as Esther

Philip Ettinger as Michael Mensana

Michael Gaston as Edward Balq

Bill Hoag as John Elder

(Confession: All images stolen from the Internet. We’re all going to hell anyway.)

In which Paul Schrader, a man whose last movie I bought from a pound shop makes a movie with goofy Ethan Hawke as a sad vicar and…it’s my favourite movie of 2018? Damn straight it is, Poncho. In First Reformed Paul Schrader creates a gloriously stark and sedately paced meditation on the question, how can we survive in the face of despair?

First of all, the Ethan in the room. Ethan Hawke. He’s okay, right? Never a chore to watch, but hardly a heavy hitter. A pleasant enough addition to any cast. Well, that was before First Reformed. First Reformed is movie about revelation and Ethan Hawke’s Ernst Toller(1) surely is a revelation. Toller, predictably enough, is the umpteenth iteration of Schrader’s evolving portrait of (Thomas Mann’s) God’s Lonely Man, and, like the Whitman said, he is large, he contains multitudes; he is the refined essence of all the God’s Lonely Men who came before him. Given Hawke’s predecessors in this ever mutating role include such titans of thesping as Robert De Niro, Willem Dafoe, George C. Scott and Richard Gere, the fact that his (Ethan Hawke’s!) performance can lounge comfortably amongst them is perhaps the biggest surprise in First Reformed. Appropriately enough, watching Hawke as Toller you will feel the scales fall from your eyes; Ethan Hawke (Ethan Hawke!) is not a lightweight screen presence, he is, in fact, an actor of the top tier. It helps that in First Reformed he’s given top tier material by a true auteur going at it like he’ll never get to go at it again. First Reformed is Schrader at the top of his mature game, exerting an iron control over material driven by an icy rage. And Hawke (Ethan Hawke!) is more than equal to the task. The boy done good.

1) A toller is defined as “a person who rings church bells (as for summoning the congregation) bell ringer, ringer. signaler, signaller - someone who communicates by signals.” There is some irony here as Toller’s congregation is small, but he definitely communicates via signals, particularly so at the close of the movie. Oh yes, particularly then.)

Everyone else has to act in Hawke’s daunting shadow, so it is absolutely to their credit that they still shine so brightly, so fiercely. I doubt many people other than his immediate family thought that Cedric the Entertainer could portray such a smoothly venal and slyly manipulative Pastor, while still appearing wholly human and relatable. (Mind you, Brummy funnyman Lenny Henry made a creditable Othello, so who the hell knows?) Michael Gaston is great as Edward Balq (2), the bad businessman who ambushes Toller over apple pie and thinks maybe it’s God’s plan to fuck up the world for cash. And he’s no one dimensional greedy meanie either, he is part of Schrader’s dramatisation of humanity’s struggle with The Bible’s (typically) contradictory command to both tame the world and also to preserve it. The abysmal weight of the latter burden falls on Philip Ettinger, as Michael Mensana (3). Ettinger is worryingly convincing as a man who clearly can no longer control his own mind. This tortured soul is desperately using his last scraps of rapidly fleeing reason to prevent himself from doing an unforgivable thing; either via the humane intervention of Toller or via other, more drastic measures. Amanda Seyfried is harrowingly vulnerable as Michael’s wife, Mary Mensana (4), but she also brings the core of steel essential for survival in the fallen world, a core which her husband, Michael, fatally lacks.

2) “Balq” is a phonetic ringer for “balk” i.e. to hesitate or be unwilling to accept an idea or undertaking.

3) Mensana alludes to “mens sana”, the Latin for “healthy mind”; it is used ironically for Michael. His mind is unhealthy.

4) Mens sana is used literally in the case of Mary. She also deserves its use in the wider sense; Mary embodies Juvenal’s phrase “mens sana in corpore sano”. She is “a healthy mind in a healthy body”. Her pregnancy is a sign of health and hope. Also, she’s called “Mary” and is pregnant in a movie thrumming with religious tones both over and under; I don’t think we need Sherlock Holmes to puzzle that one out for us.

Things are being said in First Reformed. Things weightier than “Tom Cruise can save the world without chipping a nail” or “uptight businesswomen need to unclench so wacky men can love them”. All true and valuable lessons, no doubt, but they aren’t what’s being said in First Reformed. Of course, something is usually being said in a Paul Schrader movie. That’s the way Paul Schrader rolls; like the thunder. Paul Schrader has been knocking about movies for what, five decades now? Since 1974 anyway, when The Yakuza was filmed by Sydney Pollack from a script by Schrader and his brother, Leonard. It was a good start; an entertaining geriatric action movie, involving an aged Robert Mitchum steamrollering his way through the Yakuza, while delicately pining for his war-time love. A little bit of playing in the Hitchcock sandbox aside (Obsession, Dir. Brian De Palma, 1979), this potent fuel of meditative violence would form the core of Schrader’s early offerings, with Rolling Thunder (dir. John Flynn, 1977) and, particularly, Taxi Driver (Dir. Martin Scorsese, 1976) refining the approach. Movies like Blue Collar (1978) and Hardcore (1979) also displayed Schrader’s interest in alienation, guilt, dehumanisation, guilt, sexuality and spiritual inquiry. And guilt. Sure, such themes were certainly less immediately arresting than hook handed ‘Nam vets and tonto taxi drivers, but with American Gigolo (1980) Schrader successfully intertwined all his major themes, high and low, into his first critical and commercial career maker of a knockout. That same year saw the release of the Schrader scripted Raging Bull (dir. Martin Scorsese). Top o’ the world, ma, in effect.

There then followed the ‘80s and, for Schrader, what appeared to be a “kid in a candy store” phase. (Legal note: no one said “nose candy”) Given the freedom Hollywood success bestows, Schrader indulged his more personal fascinations via his own scripts and those of others. Schrader having more going on upstairs than most in La La Land, this led to mixed results; his study of the celebrated Japanese author and coup instigator Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters (1985) clearly being of more artistic value than his study of Nastassja Kinski’s bare arse in his remake of Cat People (1982). But I have watched the latter far more than the former, so who am I to judge? Somewhere in this wayward and invigoratingly fun period is a movie about kidnapped heiress Patty Hearst (1988) and an adaptation of Paul Theroux’s Mosquito Coast (Dir. Peter Weir, 1986). And I’m pretty sure few filmographies contain a musical starring Michael J. Fox and Joan Jett (Light of Day, 1987) and a Jesus movie which managed to upset various touchy Christian groups, including that of his own father (The Last Temptation of Christ, Dir. Martin Scorsese, 1988). A real cinematic fruit basket; lots of fun, something for everyone.

But after the party comes the hangover, alas, and the early ‘90s for our fascinating firebrand seemed somewhat listless and directionless. At best. Schrader working with Harold Pinter sounds dauntingly awesome, especially with Christopher Walken and Helen Mirren on board, but the result was a stodgy Europudding adaptation of Ian McEwan’s The Comfort of Strangers (1990). (Walken is amazing in it though, true.) Then in 1992 there came Light Sleeper, a perfectly fine movie, a pretty damn good movie in fact; if you ignore that it’s basically American Gigolo for drug dealers, with a soupcon of a last act shootout for Taxi Driver/Rolling Thunder flavour. It’s probably Schrader’s best ‘90s movie because it magpies from all his earlier, good movies. A TV movie starring Dennis Hopper which used fear of witchcraft as a metaphor for the ‘50s Communist scare (Witch Hunt, 1994) sounds…interesting. (I haven’t seen it.) And the lean period sputtered out with a script contribution to City Hall (Dir. Harold Becker, 1996), a movie which despite a class pedigree stubbornly refused to ignite. No period in Schrader’s filmography is a total loss, but there was a clear lack of artistic traction in those six years.

Maybe even Schrader noticed, because in 1997 his work flowered anew with the release of both Touch and Affliction. As if invigorated by the source works, Schrader produced one of the best ever Elmore Leonard adaptations (an even greater achievement given the atypical nature of Touch. Christopher Walken is excellent in it, obviously), and an appropriately despairing staging of Russel Banks’ grim novel of dysfunctional families and DIY dentistry. As to the latter it would be lax to fail to state how incredible James Coburn is as The Awful Father. I’ve never seen Forever Mine (1999), so for me Schrader’s ‘90s closed on a high with the adaptation of Joe Connelly’s Bringing Out the Dead (Dir. Martin Scorsese, 1999). A fine high-octane night-in-the-life-of-a-paramedic parable featuring a lively cast kicking out the jams; all led by a truly great Nicolas Cage before his fall, before his face started adorning novelty sequin cushions.

In 2002, with Autofocus (from Robert Graysmith's book “The Murder of Bob Crane”) Schrader went back to the well of morality and debauchery he had been lightly dipping into throughout his career, and this time chucked the bucket in further than he had since Hardcore, drawing up a weighty, but darkly comic, look at the corrupting influence of images. Pretty ballsy for a man who trades in the things. It was a great start to the 2000s, so obviously it immediately turned to shit. So shit in fact most of the movies from this period appeared without my noticing, were difficult to source, or were disowned by Schrader himself. Not exactly Paul Schrader: The Glory Years. A 2005 Exorcist prequel was yanked off him by the studio and re-edited and re-shot under Renny Harlin. The Walker (2007), was really good with Woody Harrelson as a gay “professional companion” to older women accidentally uncovering Washington corruption; a kind of Light Sleeper for gay consorts. A really good movie, but nobody noticed. In 2008 Adam Resurrected occurred without my noticing, as did The Canyons (2013). In 2014 I did notice The Dying of the Light was taken off Schrader and re-edited by the studio so, without wishing to cause offence: **** that one. And this is where we came in...last year I picked up Dog Eat Dog (2016) on Blu-Ray in a Pound Shop; it was…very energetic, very hectic; a post fall Nic Cage and a never-even-stumbled-once Willem Dafoe were obviously having fun. I kind of dug it in a weird way, but Schrader definitely looked like his best days were behind him. Then I heard he was doing a movie with Ethan ****ing Hawke as a sad vicar or something. Hoo boy.

HOO BOY! indeed. Cover my face with egg and fry it in a pan! Yeah, Paul Schrader made a movie with Ethan Hawke as a sad vicar or something, and it was one of The 3 Movies I Loved in 2018. (The others, obviously, being Mandy and Let The Corpses Tan. I’m sure everyone agrees.) Schrader, the wily bugger had just been playing possum; letting his energies build, fermenting his themes, you know, getting ready to put out some fires with gasoline, as someone sang over the credits to one of his movies once. Filmed in the hypnotically discreet Transcendental Style so dear to his heart First Reformed is the “Paul Schrader movie” par excellence. It’s all been building to this one, kids!

First Reformed is a heartbreaker, a goddamn beautiful heartbreaker of a thing, it moves soft as a breeze and punches you in the heart like LaMotta on meth. The everyday becomes numinously stunning under Schrader’s soporific direction; the mundane is exalted; an indefinable mysticism hums through every scene; every performance is pregnant with the preternatural. Schrader lays his transcendental groundwork so well that when the movie makes a late lurch into magical realism it doesn’t jar, it just feels right; no, it just feels perfect. In First Reformed, terrible, terrible feelings are going on behind ordinary people’s faces; terrible, terrible feelings Schrader’s camera miraculously, tenderly, delicately captures like snow settling on an outstretched tongue. So, no, slow cinema doesn’t have to be boring cinema; only bad cinema is boring cinema. And First Reformed is good cinema. First Reformed is great cinema. First Reformed is Paul Schrader taking back the crown. Turns out everyone else was just keeping it warm.

#first reformed #movies #drama #transcendental cinema #paul schrader #ethan hawke #2018 #the 2010s #favourite movie of 2018 #nic cage sequin cushions #united states #cedric the entertainer #amanda seyfried #cedric kyles #philip ettinger #michael gaston

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