#but god my brain hurts

[bixels]

Just gonna have to wait and see, right? Just wait and see! Just gotta wait and see! Who knows, we'll just have to wait and see! It's anybody's guess, we'll just have to wait and see! The future is exciting, we just gotta wait and see!

#personal #my art #Fuck your fake ass 'i am very smart!' intellectualizing “observations” and open your god damn ears. #do something for fucks sake. it's sickening seeing videos of ai crap and seeing rows and rows of repliers using their one brain synapse #to type “wow! very exciting!” “haha this is kind of scary! but in a really interesting way!” #and then they go about their day without a second thought while creative industries burn around them #i go to one of america's top tech schools too and it's enough to make you wanna tear our your hair #every day it's seminars and talks about “the potential consequences of ai!” when the consequences are happening NOW #NO MORE DISCUSSING NO MORE INTELLECTUALIZING NO MORE SOCRATIC SEMINARS NO MORE DEBATING. ACT YOU COWARDS #people are getting hurt RIGHT NOW. stop pretending to care when you clearly don't! just be honest and say you wanna make money #my time here has really made me hate academic spaces. you people are so god damn useless and cowardly.

[panthermouthh]

“How can I move thee? Will no entreaties cause thee to turn a favourable eye upon thy creature, who implores thy goodness and compassion? Believe me, Frankenstein, I was benevolent; my soul glowed with love and humanity; but am I not alone, miserably alone? You, my creator, abhor me; what hope can I gather from your fellow creatures, who owe me nothing?”

#Frankenstein #Victor Frankenstein #the creature #frankensteins monster #Mary Shelley #gothic art #this one hurt my brain to figure out #I worked on this for like six hours straight today good god #I used a different quote over on instagram because I couldn’t choose one lol #it is very late and I must sleep GNIGHT <33 #my art

[pokeberry5]

directionless anger

(or, something like: the robin mantle is a curse, but that isn't inherently anyone's fault and someone has to wear it)

i adapted the two pages below the cut bc they were haunting me—tim having a nightmare the day of his mother's funeral, from Batman (1940) #455: “Identity Crisis, Part 1”, from this post

#dc #dick grayson #tim drake #bruce wayne #sart #long post #cw eyestrain #sometimes you’re 14 and the people who were supposed to take care of you hurt you but they didn't mean to #in fact it’s the last thing they wanted #and what do you do with that? #trying to exorcise all the brain worms before my semester starts and i inevitably have neither the time nor the energy #i would also like it to be known that i find his hair from the period very charming but BY GOD do i struggle drawing it

[yrsonpurpose]

Out of all of the characters you've played, who do you think that Mary would approve of, for George?

#nicholas galitzine #rwrb #red white and royal blue #nicholasgalitzineedit #rwrbsource #userninz #chrissiewatts #usersteen #usernuria #userclara #usergayppl #mine* #well yes he is! #crumbs.................. #wasn't expecting him to be speaking about henry #god the layers to all of this #its actually making my brain hurt #she probably doesnt know the book implications to this question lmfao #also this outfit is making me feel insane

[fakeoutbf]

bishops knife trick i owe you my life

#the audio is so clear here you can hear how he messes up the lyrics ajenfnjdje #god i need this tattooed to my brain asap #fob #fall out boy #tourdust #2ourdust #all the mania songs in this tour have personally hurt me btw

[starry-bi-sky]

more cfau miscellaneous things because Childhood Friends Danny and Jason have my head and heart always and I need to finish rewriting chapter two dammit (and redo the half-finished chapter 4 because its just Not The Vibes). i'm almost through I need to get through the graveyard scene. (i just stubbornly refuse to have it be shorter than the original chapter and thats the little death. that is the mind killer.)

Danny and jason’s ghost forms both smell faintly like burnt flesh and cigarettes. However, Jason has a more smokey smell while Danny’s smells almost,,, electrical? In a sense? Like he just straight up smells like burnt flesh and sulphur while Jason smells like someone put him in a smoker first.

It’s very much an unpleasant smell but Danny finds an odd comfort in it just as much as he finds a comfort in the smell of nicotine.

(Jason post-revival smells burnt flesh once and is immediately offput by the fact that it brings him an instinctive comfort. He doesn’t realize its because it reminds him of Danny, and is uncomfortable by it.)

-

In an au of an au, Danny’s altercation with Rath ends with Rath regaining enough of his sanity to snap out of the grieving state and ends with him breaking down. Instead of being souped and imprisoned, Rath, who is permanently 14, decides to Move On into the unknown. He’s exhausted, heartbroken, and tired.

(Is this influenced heavily by the ParaNorman scene where he talks to Agatha and helps her move on? Yes. But it doesn’t fit with the Original Storyline so im shoving it into an Au of an Au.)

Rath tells Danny that Jason lied to them (which he genuinely believes), and that he’s tired of waiting/looking for him/grieving. Jason is gone. He isn’t coming back, he abandoned them. And he wants his mom and dad, and his sister, and his friends. And he’s ready to join them.

He leads Danny out to Gotham, which other than Amity Park might’ve been the only city left untouched due to Rath’s own mental block on the place. They go out to the park he and Jason used to frequent or up to one of crime alley’s rooftops, and there Rath lies down and goes to sleep. Only to never wake up again, materializing into nothing as his soul moves on.

Before Rath leaves, he forces Danny to promise him that he’ll only wait for Jason for ten years. After that if he doesn’t find him, or if Jason doesn’t show, then Danny has to move on. Whether that be like how Rath does, or if its inly mentally/emotionally, doesn’t matter. He has to move on. Don’t wait for him. Don’t waste his time any more.

(“Oh, and if you find him, kick his ass for me.”)

Danny reluctantly agrees, and Rath lies down. Danny sings to him as he falls asleep.

(Angsty points if the vigilantes including Red Hood caught wind of their presence and were silently watching from the shadows. Rath might know they’re there, but Danny’s too focused on Rath to notice.)

(If only so that Red Hood realizes that this is what happened to Danny, and that Danny is gone before he can make things right. The tragedy, folks. The angst. The initial realization that Danny was Rath, and then also that Danny was dead and has been dead for years, and that before he moved on, he moved on believing that Jason abandoned him.)

(like i said it doesn't fit in the original timeline/storyline hence why its an au of an au and isn't nearly a fleshed out, but i was largely just focusing on the tragedy of Rath moving on and Jason being alive to see it and realize just who Rath is.)

-

Just like how the Lazarus pits shot Jason's twiggy 4'6-5'4 (depending on what you find) feet tall and 86lb ass up like a tree an essentially fixed his malnutrition, the portal did the same thing for Danny.

(granted i forgot about malnutrition and danny's likely stunted growth at first -- his family lived in crime alley and despite both his parents working, I don't think they had enough food all the time. He probably wasn't as badly malnourished as Jason was, but he wasn't healthy either.)

Granted his ghost in its "natural" state (14) is short, and his growth spurts were slow at first, it did result in him reaching his dad's height. There were points where it just happened overnight, like a baby. He went to bed one night 5’6 and woke up the next day 5’10.

Jazz is shorter than him. Although I have't decided if she's even liminal at all (and if she is, it didn't cure everything because she would have also suffered childhood malnutrition, and since in au canon their parents didn't get their hands on physical ectoplasm until after they got to Amity Park. So the exposure is less.)

-

Danny's voice absolutely sounds like canon Dan's. It kinda just dropped one day when he was 16-17 and never went back up. Sam and Tucker sometimes ask him to just talk about anything because they find his voice soothing.

I'm not sure yet how Danny would feel about it at first considering Rath, but I imagine that Rath, when he did speak, would have had a quieter and scratchier/weaker voice considering he's spent the last decade shrieking and crying.

(and i suppose technically that shouldn't have any effect on his throat considering he's a ghost and idk if that would actually affect him, but i like the idea so im keeping it)

In the beginning you could hear him from a mile away by the sound of his loud, echoing wails, but ten years later you can only really hear him by the soft, shuddering sobs he makes. Like he's gasping for air that isn't there. The future is full of very quiet survivors.

And it's much easier to speak when you pitch your voice upwards (especially when whispering/speaking quietly) so he might've spoken in a higher, airy pitch in order to be heard. So Danny might actually find a comfort in having a lower voice.

#tw mentions of gore #cw gore #i suppose this counts as gore #dp x dc #danny fenton is not the ghost king #dp x dc crossover #dpxdc #dpxdc crossover #childhood friends au #cfau #really leaning into the idea of rath just being a horror. the horrors! i am delighted in the horrors! #im having fun with it #i swear to god turning 19 turned a switch on in my brain because i am much more comfortable with gore and heavy injury now than i was l #literally a year ago. the urge to write about some of danny's most horrific injuries in his fights is STRONG #like the hORRORS folks. *th horrors*. i dont think i'll ever write a dissection fic because that icks me out but the idea that danny's had #to stitch up his own throat because it got slit in a fight nd he cant shift back to human until he's done because his ghost will survive bu #his body wont #the idea that he's been impaled multiple times before and it hurts each fucking time but he still gets up and hurls the hurt right back in #equal measure. because that's how you wanna play? okay. lets play. he's 14 and his best friend is dead. he can play. #and the idea that all ghosts have 'corpse' forms where their ghosts look exactly like how they died. and danny is utterly unrecognizable #jazz being liminal or not just isnt important to me because she's barely gonna show up in the story anyways #same reason why i hardly use the headcanon that ellie becomes danny's daughter because what use is she to me like that? she'll hardly have #an impact on the story and i refuse to treat characters like props. if they can't help progress the story then they aren't included

[afterthelambs]

i told my friend how interesting it is that Akechi appeared immediately after they defeated Yaldabaoth, while the other phantom thieves' wishes took until after the new year to manifest and my friend said "that probably means joker was thinking of akechi the entire time they were fighting yaldabaoth, wishing he was there with them" and im NOT OKAY ANYMORE

#yaldabaoth mentioned akechi once during that velvet room confrontation and joker's brain stopped functioning #but for real though #i think joker wished akechi could have been there defeating that god with them #it's what akechi deserved after being used as a pawn in some dumb game #i'll always be sad that atlus never let akechi face off against shido or yaldabaoth. from a thematic perspective #because every phantom thief got to face the person who was hurting them #i guess that lack of closure is supposed to be part of the injustice in akechi's life but they still couldve acknowledged how unfair it was #but no they just never bring it up ever :') #someone save these characters from the writers #p5r #persona 5 #p5 #goro akechi #akira kurusu #shuake #my post #persona 5 royal #p5r akechi #p5r akira

[neon-catarina]

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

#GOD I LOVE THIS DYNAMIC LITERALLY NOBODY WINS #I'm listening to dream an unhealthy amount and I just LOVE the concept so much its making my brain hurt but in a good way #neon's nonsense #chonny jash #chonnys charming chaos compendium #cccc #cj soul #cccc soul

[arthursfuckinghat]

I'm still on chapter two of my second run but I'm learning and questioning a lot about Dutch the more I stay at camp.

The way he flicks from "you were always special to me, Arthur" to "I know you'll betray me in the end, you're the type" in the same day - and how frankly unfazed Arthur is to any of this really makes me wonder what it was really like for him growing up with Dutch as one of his parental figures.

Was it normal for Dutch to go back on his praises so often? Was it normal for Arthur to not take Dutch's words to heart because he knows he probably won't mean it? Did Arthur grow up having to be desensitised to any kind of praise because of Dutch's constant hot and cold reactions? What part did Hosea have in helping Arthur understand Dutch's ways?

Did anybody else see how Dutch (and partly Hosea, he isn't free of blame either) was indoctrinating Arthur through all their years together? How Dutch had perfectly crafted Arthur into being his personal work horse and guard dog?

Even in his final breaths, Arthur did not once blame Dutch for his demise or express any anger, he simply confessed how much he had tried and given Dutch all he had. He was hurt and exhausted and confused, the man who raised him had left him to die again.

He had chosen Micah, a man Dutch had known for not even a fraction of the time he had known Arthur, because Micah tells Dutch all the things he wants to hear.

Whereas Arthur asks questions, offers suggestions and isn't afraid to express his opinion - All the things Dutch dislikes and tends to mock him for (take the 'I insist' conversation for example), he sees it as a question of his authority and his 'faith' ideals.

Dutch seemed to need Arthur so much more than Arthur needed Dutch, was he afraid that Arthur would realise that?

Was Dutch threatened by Arthurs place in the gang?

#I have so much more to add to this but I dont want to ramble too much #but god my heart is hurting #arthur was saved from the streets only to have been manipulated into working until he dies #almost a cult like indoctrination? #its proof that the 'trolley brain damage theory' is frankly offensive to the writing that went into dutch's character #but thats just my thoughts #feel free to add yours!! #mick squeaks #rdr2 #red dead redemption 2 #arthur morgan #dutch van der linde #hosea matthews #red dead redemption 2 spoilers #liveblogging

[skunkes]

ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page

#delete later #deleting soon bc eyes on me #for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL #sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out #im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever #but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened #i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow! #all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc #idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project. #as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it #and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either. #im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting #and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better #its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3 #this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love #cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble #and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it) #i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim

[drizztdohurtin]

the act 2 scene with Gale and the dialogue for the following morning guYS I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE I LOVE HIM SO MUCH I'M LOSING MY FUCKIGN MINDF

#how does it have a stronger effect on each time I see it?!?!? #I'VE DONE THIS 3 TIMES BEFORE AND I'M STILL LOSING MY FUCKING SHIT #i'm down so bad #oh my god my stomach fucking hurts #serena the yap-atron 3000 #wife #goofs and gaffs #shitpost #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #gale dekarios #brain rot

[crimeronan]

self-indulgent because i'm having a Riotously terrible evening pain-wise but i'm very fond of hunter being a waify little chronic illness/pain boy post-canon and like. for a while, just. no one.... notices.....?

not even because he's actively Hiding it, like. he would 100% tell people he's in pain if they asked. it just. doesn't occur to him to share. he'll sometimes quietly withdraw and lay down in the dark to conserve his energy and the others very reasonably assume it's a grief thing.

so they'll sometimes like. knock gently on the door and ask if he wants company, to which sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes it's no. "no" when hunter is in a significant enough amount of pain that he really can't move much & "yes" when he wants to curl up with bad TV shows as a distraction

it could be anyone in the squad who figures out what's going on but i'm gonna go with my bias and say it's luz, on a day when she's having some bad depression/grief/survivor's guilt feelings herself. bc she's still coming to terms with her own death and the loss of her glyph magic and sometimes she is. Sad

hunter having one of those Catastrophic pain days where he's planning to be an unmoving lump under 7 blankets for the entire day. n luz coming in and softly asking if she can lay down with him. which is different from asking if he wants company. hunter would say no to company bc he can't really Perform Friendship right now but he doesn't mind luz being here.

luz climbing under the 7 blankets too. n snuggling up to hunter and wrapping an arm around him. and hunter just like. goes Stiff. like beyond "hm this is mild discomfort" stiffness, his muscles completely lock up and go rigid like he's just been Shot. he doesn't make any sound or protest or flinch away or anything, he just kind of. stops breathing

luz pulls away immediately bc she recognizes that Something Is Very Wrong, i'm guessing she assumes it's a panic response bc hunter has plenty of reason to have issues with physical touch. but then she sees the expression on his face and it clicks and she's like.

hunter. dude. hey. hey. hunter.

do your scars HURT??????

#hunter: [blankly] y.... yes??? of course??? #luz: DDDD: !!!!!!!!111shiftone!!1eleven!!!! #luz is like BUT THAT'S 80% OF YOUR BODY and hunter's like well. yes that is true. what is the point being made here. #luz: theres PAIN MEDICINE theres HEALERS theres DOCTORS FOR NEUROPATHY #hunter: oh. i forgot tbh. i just kind of figured i'd live like this #this post brought to you by oh my fucking god my hip and side hurt SO bad right now. #and i can't currently speak aloud. despite being perfectly able to form sentences by typing. #my brain isnt without speech but my body is too busy devoting all its energy to quietly trying not to die #more characters who dont scream or cry or anything when theyre in pain. little dudes who just breathe quietly and stare blankly #autoimmune tag #toh #horrible mindscape trauma pals #hunter toh #luz noceda

[kaisollisto]

avatrice but they're both furniture tables.....

At first Ava just thinks it's just a really good day, the sun is shining at the right angle through the window that warms 3/4s of her. Her broad oak surface preens at the attention. She's always loved the way the window casts light. The slopes and curves hypnotize her.

There's something that calls to her, (the story, the mystery, the mistakes, the process,) that she loves. The arch, Ava pores over, there's a story brimming beneath the smooth glass. It vibrates at a frequency Ava can't get out of her mind. It sings to her and sometimes it drives her insane.

She wants to answer the call, to sing back but Ava is brown oak wood. She was made from the splinters of a great tree she can no longer taste.  The memory lingers like a tender bruise, the taste of something greater, something familiar, but now all she can taste is herself.

She tastes like a forest fire, smokey and raw. It sits inside of her lungs smoldering, burning her up. And Ava has never known how to stop heaving.

Ava's favorite game is finding love in plain sight. She can't calm the forest fire but it's easy to pretend she isn't on fire when passion curls inside her.

She looks for lingering touches, worn away divots, the absence of dust. There's always more to it, a reason, a why, an answer that Ava seeks. (One that she doesn't want to know but seeks.)

It's been years but Ava can still feel her. She stands on 4 legs just like her but there is purpose in the way she holds space. She holds it like a museum (whereas Ava fills her lungs with as much air as she can hold).

The question itches at Ava, it paws at her chest and she's always loved to scratch. She can't find it at first, the love, the absence, the dust, the divot, it's hard. For once in her life Ava just sees a table.

And it eats at Ava, she permeates Ava’s brain like a fine layer of dust. No matter how much Ava wipes off, the dust still settles. Ava can't escape her, they've never held a conversation (but Ava has held the air in her lungs longer in hopes she could taste something different).

-

(She radiates devotion, and what is devotion if not something akin to love Ava thinks.)

#aka just an excuse for me to throw lines together #but also the premise is #hahah #write avatrice but they CAN"T bang #so I said #watch this #this'll be funny #and it wasn't #instead it was harmful #and no one laughed #except me #but it was like a tiny giggle #and yes this unfinished #i couldn't write anymore #my brain hurts #don't look too deep i'm going off of vibes and vibes alone #so if nothing makes sense #thats on me #my bad g #avatrice #table au #god i'm going to hell for even tagging that

[gayanimebitches]

ok. migi & dali opening. i am going to talk about it now.

throughout the opening we see so many Things. the entire series up until the second to last episode, i hadn't paid that close attention to it because god that song is a banger and honestly i was more focused on the music than the animation, despite being captivated by it every episode. but that episode for some reason. i paid more attention that time and had some Realizations.

one question i've had every single time the opening has played has been "why does one of them take the cherry pie and the other does not?" throughout the opening the two of them are seen doing the same things, effectively mirroring each other, which makes sense considering it was most of the plot for the first few episodes, so i really didn't think about it too much. but with that pattern established, it's extremely strange when, at the end, one of them strays from the shared course of action to take one of the slices of cherry pie that's sitting on the chairs.

another thing i noticed when i actually paid attention was that the one in the shadows in all their activities is always dali.

and if that's not enough, we have this shot of migi and dali as sun and moon respectively, and i think we all have enough media literacy to understand the implications of that.

then we have this shot of them, showing migi floating higher and dali sinking lower.

all of these screenshots to say that the opening animation tells us exactly what the series, or at least the part that the anime currently covers, is about at its core. we see it in the series time and time again as these two try to make their way through the world.

migi is portrayed in the series as somewhat childish, frequently to a fault - generally more hopeful in what he believes, which shows in his actions and the way he interacts with others in a genuine way. dali is severe and bitter, much more driven by the idea of getting revenge for their mother, seemingly just for the sake of it at this point, and being willing to do it at any cost because he doesn't value anything other than his brother.

migi sees the good in things and, while still helping dali with their shared goal, is genuinely enjoying his life with this family and in this town. dali, on the other hand, is dedicating everything he has to their goal, not caring or bothering to invest any part of himself into anything else. (this is portrayed also by migi being in the light, enjoying the activities he's doing, and dali being in the shadows, spending all his time trying to solve their mystery.)

this conflict of priority between them results in the fight they have in episode 9. a showdown between hope and despair, over a bike in a river, all as a result of migi's off-comment about wanting to eat cherry pie again.

and now the bike. they state this explicitly in the dialogue, but it's the first gift migi has ever gotten. so when dali throws it in, he does not hesitate even a little bit to jump in and get it. the bike is meaningless to dali - just another thing to toss and discard for the sake of moving forward. he gives up on everything so easily because he never bothered getting attached in the first place. he's so quickly ready to abandon anything and everything aside from migi. there's no way that he can be happy like that and migi knows that. migi is all he has and they both know that.

the jealousy he expresses is just jealousy that migi is able to find happiness and value in things other than him while he's unable to do the same, as a result of his bitterness and his fixation on finding their mother's killer. he's jealous that migi is growing closer to other people and making connections that are important enough to him that he's not willing to just throw them away with the toss of a bike.

so he takes his brother down. he forces his head underwater, and asks if he's still thinking about that cherry pie (THIS LINE IS SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!). he tries to drag migi down with him into his own despair, tries to convince migi that his beloved cherry pie isn't really all that important. that it's not worth as much as migi's acting like it is.

he tries to literally beat the hope out of migi. he is so desperate to be hopeless that he beats the shit out of his brother over and over about it.

but, of course, that would never be enough to stop him.

and we're back to the cherry pie. dali finally caves and agrees to go back and try to sort things out, not because it's what he thinks is best for their safety, but because it's what migi wants for his happiness. he realizes that he'll only continue to hurt migi if he pushes his own cynicism on him and forces him to leave everything behind, since he had the guts to get attached. even though dali doesn't really understand the value of the cherry pie, he sees how much it matters to his brother. he sees his resolve to experience those small moments of happiness again.

the cherry pie is taken from migi's side of the shot.

throughout the entire story, migi has been the one to see the value in the simple things, like taking walks with the dog, having friends to hang out with and do wacky bird shit with, riding a bike, and eating cherry pie together. he is not afraid to experience joy and is willing to fight for it, for both him and his brother, even if his brother doesn't see the value in it quite yet.

migi will see the good in things. he will have hope for the future. and he will take the cherry pie.

#migi & dali #migi to dali #migi and dali #felt like such a dork writing that last section #BUT I LOVE THIS SHOW AND THE THINGS IT SAYS TO U #I LOVE U THEMES AND MESSAGES #me: i should go to sleep #my brain: u should write up a tumblr analysis post abt this anime opening and the significance of its shots in relation to the series theme #me: ok #the way i hit the image limit and had to get rid of some #ARE U STILL THINKING ABOUT THAT CHERRY PIE IS SUCH A GOOD LINE U GUYS #could prob write a whole nother post abt dalis reluctance to let himself get attached to things #and his at any cost mindset and how it hurts migi thruout the series #but. #might get a little too personal xo so maybe i wont #I LOVE U HOPE VS DESPAIR THEMES #ok anyway #god #this took me 2 hrs to type up and gather screenshots for #ANYWAY TIME TO GO TO SLEEP #ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ #meta

[synonymroll648]

from a vibes perspective, i totally understand why so many people look at keefe and go ‘this guy would be the male equivalent of a wine aunt when he’s older’. 

but. but. 

taking lore into consideration, in my heart, he’s terrified of alcohol (even if he tries really hard to hide it). because. like. his first exposure is almost guaranteed to be through cassius, and cassius canonically threw a glass extremely close to him at least once when he was, like, 8. maybe cassius wasn’t always extra nasty when he was drunk, but there’s gotta be a correlation in keefe’s brain between risking getting seriously hurt (emotionally or physically) and alcohol consumption that’s really hard for him to shake. 

#tw alcohol #tw child abuse mentions #lmk if there's more trigger warnings i should put #i have a thing for hurt/comfort lmao #kotlc #keeper of the lost cities #this is brought to you by: #that one fic my brain started writing internally where it's sophie's 21st bday and she's like man i #have saved the world so many times we've all lost count. i want a fucking drink #and keefe's internally like OH GOD OH FUCK in a bad way but externally he's like yeah babe whatever you want!! #and then she's like. i don't wanna do anything super stupid though. and drinking alone is super stupid when you've never drank before #will you stay w/ me? please? #and keefe's like. i cannot say no to that face #so he spends the night doing an increasingly bad job of hiding how bad he's freaking out #because sophie is a safe space and alcohol is not safe and he doesn't know how to deal w/ the two colliding #ESPECIALLY since sophie's just getting dorkier and sweeter as her filter goes down instead of throwing insults or objects at him #(i feel like sophie would be the kind of drunk that's very impulsive and says EVERYTHING that comes to the forefront of her mind #and stellarlune was more than enough to prove that she sees keefe and a lot of the time her brain just goes hnnngh soft little tortured #artist. MY soft little tortured artist.) #yeah but even intoxicated sophie can tell something's wrong even before he flinches super obviously at an empty glass falling over w/o #breaking. and so she's like nah man it's hurt/comfort time and he's like BUT YOUR BIRTHDAY and she's like do you really think i'm #gonna just let go of the fact that i know you're stressed? i'm not a dickhead keefe #so yeah it ends in cuddles. because of course it does #keefe sencen #annnnd out of the drafts this goes. post!

[youngestdaughtersyndrome]

I think my true white whale is the existence of reality in the sense that due to the bias of the human brain nobody is really interpreting the world the way it actually is and The World could very well be some incomprehensible eldritchian nightmare place that the human brain turns semi-pleasant to placate the soul and stop our minds from shattering. Like maybe im just a classic nutcase but our only concept and touchstone for "reality" is the consensus of the population and the consensus of the population might be totally wrong but we'd never know because we cannot perceive the world outside of our own eyes. We have no idea who is seeing the world the most accurately like we really have no idea what life truly is/feels like and we assign everything labels and structure based on something that could very well be an illusion. And i dont know if i would think this way or think about this at all if i didnt have psychosis but knowing that my reality doesn't exist to other people has kind of opened my mind in regards to the perceived realness of the world but most of all it has opened my mind to the idea that fully and truly all we have is each other... all realities that are experienced exist in some form but we have to hold onto each other to stop from getting swept out into that big dark endless ocean of maybes and what ifs.... humans keep humans sane as much as we drive each other crazy and that's literally the point of it all. Hell is other people (world seen through a solitary perspective, isolation, "at" mentality vs "with") but heaven is each other (world seen through group perspective, togetherness, "with" mentality). Does that make sense. Is this thing on

#and bc i am me. in my mind “god” or the forces we attribute that name to IS the true reality that we can never perceive due to our brains #witnessing undiluted divinity is insanity inducing and possibly deadly which makes humanitys search for god even more interesting to me #we are constantly looking for something hidden to us it is obscured by a hundred veils. and the only way to get closer to it #without dying or getting hurt is through collective experience and togetherness...... once again the meaning of life becomes love T__T #i could go on abt this forever but im not gonna lol so heres the summary..... if i ever write it out it'll b a newsletter too not a post #hollyws