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lunarspiral1127 · 2 months

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X-Men 97 episode 5 *SPOILERS*

The interviews

The reporter seemed nice and doesn't act like a typical controversial one. And, seeing Beast blush was adorable. But, Scott's interview was a doozy. What he said when he lashed out, well....he ain't wrong. I just thought Magneto would be the one to say those things, not Scott. Still, not wrong.

Jean/Scott/Madelyn/Logan drama

UGH! I hate love triangles that bring out so much stress and drama. And, I'm worried that Jean and Scott will break up because of the crap Mr. Sinister pulled. I wasn't expecting Jean to kiss Logan, and it was HIM who told her to go talk to Scott. Despite his feelings, he's still trying to be respectful to their relationship. But, seriously, Jean, why did you kiss him?!

Then apparently, Scott and Madelyn were checking up on each other telepathically, which I get why Jean would be mad at that. But, Madelyn during her time at the mansion WAS Jean and Scott thought that was her! They're the same! At least they were? Then again, they're in contact for a month and Jean kissed Logan once....UGH! I hate this drama. SINISTER THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

Genosha

Beautiful. It was a paradise for mutants. They deserve this. The gala looked pretty, I liked the statues of Charles and Magneto, I was not expecting the Hellfire Club to be a part of this council cause I don't trust them (especially the crap they pulled in the previous show). Lots of cameos from other characters that I couldn't keep track on, but the place was lovely. It's a shame though on what happened later on....

Nightcrawler

This lovely, precious German Christian man. 🥰 I love Nightcrawler and I'm glad to see him in this show. The original voice actor who played him in the previous show still does a great job voicing him. And, he approves of Gambit and Rogue (adopted sister) being together, so that's extra bonus points. He got a new look compared to his previous one, but I still like it. Then when the massacre happened, I was so worried that he was gonna die. Thank goodness he survived, but I hate seeing him so hurt.

Gambit/Rogue/Magneto drama

I hate this love triangle SO MUCH! We get an explanation on how Rogue and Magneto got together, and I'm questioning how old she was when they first met and whether Magneto was influencing her in a bad way. Either way, still don't like this ship. Even when them dancing looked good animated, I STILL don't like it. Plus, it still doesn't make sense cause they've been against each other in the previous show, where there was no signs of the two having that past relationship.

Anyway, I'm glad Rogue finally told Gambit the truth, and I feel so bad for him. But, he knew what she wanted and how much it hurt, even going as far as to distance himself, which he showed a lot of emotional maturity, so respect to that. But, that thing where he'll lead Genosha if Rogue stays as his "queen"? DA FUQ?! Look, I like Magneto, but I did not like that. Still wish Rogue could've gotten one of those collars to nullify her powers so that she can touch Gambit. Would've solved a lot of drama, just saying.

I was SO relieved though, that Rogue said that he was right, and rejected Magneto, but I wish she could've done that without kissing him right where Gambit can see it. Either way, it seemed like she'll choose Gambit and not stay with Magneto in Genosha, THANK GOD!

So, you think this would be the end of that love triangle right? Well, yes and no? Cause what happened afterwards hurt like hell.

Genosha Massacre

So, a giant Master Mold thing showed up, killing mutants and destroying Genosha. It was cool seeing Cable again trying to stop it and seeing his mom after so long, which is a glimmer of hope but I'll get to that later. So, many people died. Sebastian Shaw, Calypso, Banshee, Marrow, pretty sure that was Dazzler or Moira not sure, and three more that hurt me so much.

Magneto. Okay, I may not like that love triangle, but I didn't hate the guy. Dude was fighting that Sentinel with a train as a whip, that was pretty cool. And, he tried to protect the Molocks. He tried to protect Leech! He got Rogue and Gambit out of the way. What hurt the most was he told Leech not to be afraid IN GERMAN! Again, didn't want him to die. Although, I wished he could've used his magnetism to push the Molocks away like he did with Rogue and Gambit, but nope. They all died!

Leech. Precious innocent Leech. He was just a kid, man! And, he got to hang out with other mutants his age. He was making friends. Only for this to happen. And, not a lot of people talk about Leech and what happened to him. But, I liked him, and that hurt.

And, finally, the one that hurt the most.....Gambit.....Remy.

He went out like a hero. He sacrificed himself to destroy that Sentinel from killing even more mutants. "The name's Gambit, mon ami. Remember it." Well, now we know why this episode is called Remember It, cause it was Gambit's last words. And, if that wasn't enough, Rogue holding onto him, crying over his body, finally able to touch him....only to not feel him.

THAT. FREAKING. HURT. SO. BAD!!! 😭 Gambit was one of my favorite X-Men characters, and I legit was crying seeing that end. It really hurt to see that happen to him, but at least he went out saving people. However! There is that slight glimmer of hope! Cable. He tried to go back to stop this, who's to say he won't try again? Time travel shenanigans will happen and he can team up with Bishop and the rest of the X-Men to prevent this from happening. It happened many times before, it can happen here. And, maybe, just maybe, Gambit, Leech, Magneto, and all those people won't have to die. This may the denial talking, but I'll be so pissed if Gambit's dead and he Rogue won't be together for good anymore, cause that would be bullcrap.

God, how am I gonna be okay when we're getting Storm and Forge vs. The Adversary next week?! And, jeez, if things keep up like this, Storm is gonna return to the whole mansion on fire. I can't imagine what her and everyone's reactions are gonna be when they find out about Gambit and even Magneto.

Anyway, good episode. Much better than last week's. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go find a way to cope from all of that.

#x men 97 #x-men 97 #xmen 97 #xmen 97 spoilers #episode 5 #marvel

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wirbelwindria · 1 year

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Ken trying so hard to be his father is what breaks him and his ambition in the end; mostly because he forgets that he is not actually Logan. He’s made in his image sure, but he’s not made of the same stuff.

He is literally reopening wounds someone else has caused to emulate the violence his father used to inflict and it works, at least for a moment, it works.

In that moment Kendall and Roman both forget that they are not father and son, but brothers, forget that the hierarchy they emulate is just make believe.

Shiv sees right through it though, she’s still on the outside like she always was, her pretense is fitting into the narrative as anything other than woman(wife and mother) and she can’t fool herself any longer.

She rejects Kendall as the living memory of her father and when Kendall retaliates it’s enough to pull Roman out of his daze. (I think this is the first time Roman actually fights for someone else without an ulterior motive at play; he’s done with the corporate familial charade)

Shiv returns to the role that has been assigned to her: The woman behind the man.

She would’ve always ended up crowning someone else, her choice has always been limited to which man she would back, because she is allowed a voice, but not allowed to lead.

So she picks Tom, she knows Tom. She picked him years ago.

Shiv using the strings she has access to to promote Tom’s position within the firm is exactly what she used to do when we first met her. In a way she’s right where she wanted to be when the show started, her plan worked.

She made her husband what she wasn’t allowed to be.

(What she couldn’t have been, because she was never allowed to learn the trade in the first place)

This isn’t the end of an era, it’s just the same as it always was; a different head to wear the crown, but it’s still one of the guys; the women are relegated to the background once again, useful enough and important enough that the first people Tom wants to see, or decides to keep around, are women, but none of them are allowed to hold tangible power in their own right.

In the end Shiv is the only sibling that cuts herself down enough to successfully fit the role assigned to her in her father's world.

She's the woman behind the man, kingmaker, but not king, mother and wife, she is the bloodline

Ken is nothing now, because in the end he couldn't exert influence like his father could, he couldn't take the crown on his own, so no one handed it to him

Roman probably will find some niche, he's been brought up to follow, even if he doesn't want to see himself like that; he'd rather see himself as nothing

Connor, well, unattached to the machinations of the company, of the family, like he always was; He never fit the narrative, so Logan didn’t even bother to assign him a role he could fit himself into.

#succession #s4e10 #long post

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starksummers · 2 years

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Scott Summers/Tony Stark Fic Masterpost

We decided to put together a master post for anyone who might be looking for a Scott/Tony story. There aren’t a lot out there, but we’re hoping there will be more each day. If you want to take a closer look at what is available, here are some great stories!

One Shots/Short Stories

Birthday Surprise by KiAnLake (Rated T) Scott decides to take day-off but Tony decides to follow him. He finds out something new about his boyfriend

Blinded By The Light by laetificat (Rated E) Scott Summers visits Tony Stark; they find they have a few things in common.

Date Night by scottxlogan (Rated T) (Part 3 of Better Together Series) After skipping out on team bonding for the night, Tony reaches out to Scott in the hopes of enjoying date night only to discover that things don't go entirely as planned. Will a small mishap prove to be a disaster for them or bring them closer than they'd imagined when the night began?

Freedom by scottxlogan (Rated M) (Part 1 of Better Together Series) In the aftermath of his divorce, Scott Summers decides to step outside of his comfort zone and fall into temptation with an unlikely potential lover. Will his night on the town be the wild, hot fling he's hoping for or will an unsavory reminder of his past drag him back to misery?

I hope that my gift cheers you up. by KiAnLake (Rated G) Tony remembers when he was little kid, he got a toy from a little boy with blue eyes.

Masquerade by KiAnLake (Rated T) Scott become Emma's plus one for Tony Stark's costume party. But instead of being with Emma, he get hit on by the host himself. Should he ignored Tony or go for it?

Mechanical by BlackEyedGirl (Rated E) Tony gets to know his new team-mate a little better.

Must be the Moonlight by scottxlogan (Rated E) Scott and Tony reunite at the Hellfire Gala only to discover that the passion they once found in secret is still alive between them. After they give in to temptation revealing their true desire for one another, Tony is delivered a proposal to win Scott's heart that is almost too good to be true. Will he accept or are they fated for an unhappy ending?

Outside is just a larger cage by GammaGaze (Rated N/A) Arrested for crimes committed while under the influence of the phoenix force, Scott Summers has been locked up in a mutant-hating prison to defend himself. Billionaire Tony Stark only wants to understand Scott's powers, but he discovers something more.

Playing Hard to Get by st_aurafina (Rated T) (Part 1 of Playing Hard to Get) Tony Stark is trying to break into superhero society. Scott Summers can't get away fast enough.

Season ticket on a one way ride by Wolfsheart (Rated E) (Part 1 of Wantons light of heart) Scott Summers outbid Tony Stark on a classic sports car; Tony pays him a visit to check out the car. They go for a drive. Things get interesting

Spinning on that dizzy edge (I kissed his face and kissed his head) by Wolfsheart (Part 2 of Wantons light of heart) (Rated E) Scott stayed the weekend at Avengers Tower while his and Tony's "first date weekend" commences. There is mingling with the Avengers that goes better than expected, Tony proves he's good at romance and sweetness and massages, and many topics are discussed in the three days of getting to know one another.

This Close to You by st_aurafina (Rated T) Part 2 of Playing Hard to Get Scott and Tony do some training.

What's your gift again? by KiAnLake (Rated E) Scott wants to get one simple thing for his lover's birthday. Why is it so hard to get it? How did he and Tony end up in the hotel room? Tony: All I want to do is blow a candle.

Would you like to cross-dress for me? by KiAnLake (Rated E) Scott come to see Tony for their date but he get an interesting box from Pepper.

Works in Progress

Beautiful Disaster by scottxlogan (Rated M) Set after the events of the comic X-Men Forever. After Logan's death, Scott is rejected by Jean and blamed for her being unable to share her life with the man she 'truly loved'. Knowing that his marriage is over, Scott goes back home to Alaska to be with his family and start over. Struggling to find a new meaning in his life after he's quit the team, Scott runs into a familiar face. When Tony Stark works his way through town after having reached his breaking point, he's looking for an escape. Ready to shut his world out for a little while, fate lands Tony on Scott's doorstep. Together will they find a way to a new beginning as sparks fly?

Better Together by scottxlogan (Rated M) (Part 4 of Better Together Series) Tony Stark and Scott Summers have been taking their time engaging in a series of flirtations leading up to the beginnings of a romance, but will their time together be cut short by an unexpected twist? Will their relationship grow stronger or will fate tear them apart before they can truly begin a new life together?

Darkness by Blue_Hood (Rated T) What if Tony was actually Charles' son? What if he had the power to control literal darkness? How would the course of the Avengers' history be changed?

#scott summers #tony stark #iron man #cyclops #Scott/Tony #fanfic #mechanical boy band #fic master list

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hageny · 3 years

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Succession Thoughts: Gerri x Roman

AN: Credit goes to @thinkingfixatingobsessing for the idea for point number one in this post. Also, this post is my lengthiest yet, but I promise it’s worth the read, lol.

1. Come Over?

This moment between Roman and Gerri is a small one, but presents an interesting thread that starts in this episode--Vaulter--and gets threaded into their phone sex scene in Safe Room. During his time working through the documents and foundations of Vaulter, Roman is stuck in the middle of the proxy battle and feeling the heat of the moment, which comes to a head in this scene. We see him wrestling with himself about what to do, throwing his phone a pathetic glance, hesitating, and then finally deciding to call Gerri for help. He divulges to her that he essentially has no clue what to do and throws out a weak ‘pivot to video’ idea that Gerri instantly reminds him was tried by the Vaulter team already and presumably fell flat. Finally, Roman breaks and asks her meekly, “Can you just come over? I want you in the room.” This is interesting because it is one of the first scenes where the show establishes the fact that Roman seeks out Gerri for comfort. This, of course, comes on the heels of their trip to Japan, so we can deduce that Roman has realized that Gerri could’ve screwed him but didn’t, and sees how he was exposed to her nurturing side when he needed it most. What’s interesting is how the dialogue in this scene mimics what comes later. He first asks her for her help, and when she balks at his request, he immediately says, “Yeah, could--yeah--fuck you!” and hangs up on her. The move from gentle and comforting to caustic is an interesting one, but it’s fascinating because for once it isn’t built into the scene to showcase that Roman needs degradation to achieve sexual pleasure. Here, he flies off the handle at Gerri, but when we think about this scene the reason why is obvious and not tied to sex: Roman gets angry because in his one weak moment the response he receives is not the sympathetic one he wants, and so he pivots back to caustic to shield himself later on. He knows that should Gerri brings this up later he can tell her he was fucking with her and didn’t mean it, but in truth, he did mean it--he did want her and need her, and Gerri didn’t understand this, and was too busy with things on her end to meet him where he needed her. Part of Roman’s hang ups, sexually, are tied to the degradation he experienced as a child, but there is also a link between his need for degradation and his realization that he never got the comfort he needed, so seeking insult was easier. He is a walking example of the quote, "All attention is good attention.” Because Roman never received the comfort he desired, he shields himself from rejection by pretending to be hardier than what he is and striving to be insulted, because to him, at this stage, it’s all the same. He could get a hug, but getting walloped and getting off are faster so he settles for that instead. This thread is later carried into the ‘shirt-button’ scene in Hunting, where Gerri walks up to Roman’s room to look in on him. Now, she has the understanding of him that is necessary to respond appropriately, and instead of berating him for being a mess she comforts him, and he responds not by pushing her away but accepting her gentility, however brief. Roman doesn’t so much need humiliation to get off--he only needs it because it’s all he thinks he deserves, and it’s served him well enough so far. It’s the key to his inability to have sex with his other girlfriends: it’s not that he can’t, it’s that sex requires intimacy and sensitivity, and Roman isn’t close enough to himself emotionally to comfortably tap into these feelings and deliver.

2. Rejected.

As I’m re-watching the series in preparation for Season 3, there is a thread which is established early on between Kendall and Gerri that begins in Lifeboats and is expounded upon later in the show. We see Kendall at the helm of Waystar during Logan’s absence as he makes his infamous ‘Lifeboats’ speech, gathering his team together and asking for their help in moving Waystar into the future, inviting them to pool their ideas and deliver them to him, essentially attempting to depart from his father’s style of management by ostensibly establishing an ‘open door policy’ with his team. This move, however, is ironic, as immediately after this scene we have the scene between himself and Gerri, pictured above. Really, in hindsight, Kendall is as manipulative as Logan, but he is weaker in the sense that he is not as combative openly, and therefore comes across as a softer, better version of his father, which isn’t always true to his nature. We see Gerri follow Kendall after the meeting and tell him, “I want to talk options to you, okay? I’ve got some thoughts I’ve been working on for a long time--”. Kendall immediately interrupts her and replies, “I don’t want the sloppy seconds, Gerri. I’m taking five to think big.” When she presses the issue again, promising that she has some good ideas, he flat out rejects her without even listening to her, and it is here where we see shades of his father in himself. It’s also what makes Gerri’s manipulation of Kendall easier later on. We can deduce that this is not the first time that Gerri has been pushed to the sidelines by one of the Roy family members, and at a time when help is sorely needed--and on the heels of Kendall openly asking for it--he outright rejects Gerri’s and essentially makes it clear to her that her help is second-rate help--only useful to him when it can get him out of a tight squeeze, but not so useful that he believes her worth listening to when the stakes are higher. This ties into her relationship with Roman as well. While Roman is always showcased as being the one who needs her, if we pay attention we can clearly see that Gerri’s need for him is equal to his. Gerri has been a part of Waystar for decades--at one point in Pre-Nuptial commenting to Kendall that she and Frank are reminiscing about their first visit to Caroline’s estate in 1986--making her one of the most senior members of staff. But what she has--it is implied--never had is someone who genuinely valued her ideas and her input. This is also what she gets from Roman. She tells him to do something, he does it. She throws an idea out, he listens. He becomes her voice, often using the phrases, “Gerri thinks” or “Gerri says” during Season 2. Through Roman, we hear Gerri, and through Gerri we see Roman’s potential. They carry each other. Roman is always depicted by his family as being stupid, and yet who was smart enough to seek out advice from the one person with the most experience at Waystar aside from Logan? Not his siblings. Because they believe they know better, their ego will be their downfall.

3. In Logan’s Shadow.

In Sad Sack Wasp Trap, we see shades of Gerri’s eventual betrayal of Kendall begin to take shape. Having tasted his first drops of power, real power, Kendall’s ego immediately starts to swell in little ways. We hear him telling Jess that he wants to do a run on the late-night TV circuit, having gotten the idea while traveling in L.A. Gerri reacts to this with disbelief, and Kendall retorts, “What does that mean? I was fuckin’ king of the Lampoon.” Kendall’s use of the word ‘king’ is used to purposefully emphasize the way he has begun to see himself--finally in the position he desired for so long, finally out of his father’s sphere of influence. His high is interrupted by Jess’ telling him that his father has dropped into the office and wants to see him. When Kendall asks Gerri if she knew about this, she denies this, but when he says, “Shouldn’t he have told you?” all she does is shrug coolly in his direction. This begs the question: did Gerri really not know? On the surface, it seems obvious she didn’t, but we have to consider that this moment comes right after Kendall’s complete disregard for her in the previous episode. Gerri’s motivation to help Kendall would be at a fairly low point, and what could be more amusing to her than to watch him fall flat on his face so quickly again, especially considering Logan’s outrage at Kendall’s decision to bring Stewy in to help their debt issue. Maybe she genuinely didn’t know, but given what she does later on, it would seem pertinent to wonder.

4. Take the piss.

Later in Sad Sack Wasp Trap, Kendall finds out that his father has pissed on his carpet and brings Roman, Gerri, and Frank in to assess and discuss the situation. He starts by lecturing them about what could happen if people knew Logan had done this, pointing out that this bit of knowledge could spear the company’s already flagging public persona, and trying to use that as a way to keep his father from attending the RECNY ball. He tries to drop the responsibility for fixing the situation into Gerri’s hands, telling her she needs to talk to Logan and tell him that if he intends to come back he has to do so via the proper avenues, and that he can’t just show up on a whim. Gerri listens for a while, and eventually delivers a barb that is subtle but effective. She asks Kendall, “What did you do, Kendall, when you realized he’d done this?”, referring to Logan’s pissing incident. Kendall immediately falters, stuttering that he didn’t want to embarrass his father in front of Stewy and basically admitting he did nothing. The camera sweeps over her and Roman’s faces, and they give Kendall the same look, suggesting they are disappointed but not surprised at his ineffectiveness. This moment also mirrors what Roman does later in Vaulter, undercutting his brother in front of his father to get the result he wants. The point of Gerri’s remark is to showcase her opinion of him. To Gerri, Kendall is nothing but a papa’s boy with a golden spoon in his mouth, someone who wants the power but is unwilling to work for it. And who can really blame Kendall? Considering the way his father treats him, he has learned from Logan that working is one thing, but using a by-way to get to the top faster is better, and he attempts to see this come to fruition by taking control of a company he is ill-equipped to lead. Gerri’s disgust for Kendall is fairly obvious, but to Kendall’s great misfortune, he is a swimmer in a shark tank, completely out of his league in her waters. She is faster than him, more subtle, more cunning, and lacking in conscience enough that when she disposes of him later she feels no remorse. Kendall has bad traits but he is overall not a bad character, and we see his better parts shine when he is not chasing power. But to Gerri, his better characteristics are a moot point. She undercuts him later once again, and we see how she delights in what she’s doing, how his weakness and trusting nature to her are disgusting, and if anything make it easier for her to do what she does. While Roman makes her prove herself equal, playing with her, seeing if she can give back what he puts out, Kendall takes for granted her abilities, wanting only a menial servant, and sees himself eaten alive.

5. I Will Guide Thy Hand.

During the RECNY ball, we find out--via Connor--the Kendall has plans to make a retirement announcement in Logan’s presence, allegedly so he can usurp the throne for himself. Though Kendall later denies this, we do know that he does not want his father to speak at the ball. Allegedly, this is out of ‘good will’, his concern for his father and the company mainly influencing his decision, but truthfully Kendall is also motivated by a desire to take hold of a position his father always had at the ball--as a speaker--and be on the receiving end of the adoration Logan is so used to. He wants to be seen by the public the way his father is: competent, powerful, totally in control; he also knows that there is a chance that Logan will declare himself CEO again, knocking Kendall from his throne--which eventually comes to fruition. Gerri knows this, is smart enough to intuit why Kendall is afraid, and is calm when Kendall once again comes to her for assistance, wanting her to handle his father. Unlike earlier, she doesn’t throw any barbs his way. She calmly promises to talk to Logan about his supposed speech and to try to dissuade him--while not so convincingly claiming she knew nothing about the speech at all to begin with. Instead of doing what she promised, she walks over to Logan and simply tells him, “Good luck tonight. Gonna knock it out of the park.” She gives him the motivation he needs to move forward with his plans, especially at a point where his health is so precarious. Gerri knows this, knows Logan well enough to understand that a little reassurance will ensure that Logan will do as planned and follow through with his decision. We see her later in the episode watching the whole thing play out during Logan’s speech, a self-satisfied smirk on her face, already knowing the end from the beginning. What we’re witnessing is the blooming of the flower on the end of the thread that started when Kendall disrespected her in Lifeboats. All he had to do to save himself was listen to Gerri, and yet he chose not to, believing he knew better than her how to reposition Waystar and lead the company into the future. He, who has been to rehab, fallen prey to his addictions and vices, and only played in the big leagues when he wanted to while Gerri--and the other members of Waystar--had to be there regardless of the circumstances in their personal lives. Again we can’t solely blame Kendall--he is the person his father has allowed him to be. We can also see that what Kendall lacks is the thing that makes Gerri so capable of remaining in power--detachment. Gerri is emotionally detached enough to do her job well and not worry about what amoral things she does to maintain her position of power. This is another trait she shares with Roman, who, after hearing how beleaguered the employees of Vaulter are, still guts the company and costs them their jobs without a second thought to the damage he is doing. With regard to her relationship with Kendall, for Gerri destroying him is not only easy but pleasurable. She knows that Kendall stupidly trusts her, and will remain none the wiser to her duplicitousness, and so she operates in the background, doing what she can to ensure he will lose what is so precious to him because of her--all while believing she did what she could to help him. This theme reminded me of the movie The Witch, hence the title of this particular post. Thomasin ends up in the hands of the Devil at the end, and--believing he will give her what she wants--she gives her soul to him. Like Kendall, she doesn’t realize that the person who is giving her what she wants is really taking everything, and she, like Kendall, is left with nothing in the end. Am I comparing Gerri to the Devil? Only superficially. She is certainly not totally like Satan, but from what we see here, she has the ability to operate like him: swiftly and maliciously.

#gerri/roman #gerri x roman #gerri kellman #roman roy #succession #succession hbo #hbo succession #succession thoughts

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sparrow-flies-south · 4 years

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Put A Spell On You [1/3]

Fandom: Sanders Sides Rating: Teen Pairings: Prinxiety, very minor background Logicality Summary: Roman sighed, trying to figure out how best to explain it. “I think everyone’s in love with me.” Virgil rolled his eyes. “How do you walk around under the weight of that ego?”

Everyone is acting strangely around Roman. Thank god his best friend (and crush) Virgil seems to be unaffected, because he's going to need all the help he can get to figure out why everyone is confessing their love to him. Notes: 5 years later, and I’m back in a different fandom. Please be aware that this fic involves a love spell, and some of the consent issues inherent with that premise. There is a scene where one character kisses another under the influence of the spell.

Part Two Part Three

Also on AO3

Roman Prince sat in his Elemental Magic class, and tried to ignore the looks people kept shooting him.

At first, he thought he had just been imagining the feeling of eyes on him – clearly he had been spending too much time with Virgil. But hallway through the lecture, he had managed to catch a boy sitting two rows ahead of him staring at him. The boy had turned bright red and looked away immediately, but it had been enough to confirm Roman’s suspicions.

Being stared at was hardly an unfamiliar sensation. Roman had been an actor, after all, before coming here – still did want to be an actor, once he graduated. He knew how to grab attention and how to hold it. There was a kind of rush to it, having all eyes on you and knowing it’s because you chose it. Knowing you had the power to control where the crowd looked.

Roman wasn’t in control of it today.

So now he was hunched over his notes, trying to pay attention to the lecture because elemental magic really wasn’t his forte, and wondering what exactly he’d done to get the attention of the whole lecture hall.

He fought down the urge to pull his compact mirror out of his bag to check that there was nothing on his face. No one was laughing, so it probably wasn’t that. Probably.

Finally, the lecture ended, and Roman was out of his seat and on his way out of the door before anyone else could move. He didn’t even bother putting his things away, instead gathering them all into his arms as he fled the building.

Once he had put enough distance between himself and the lecture hall, he finally took the time to put his notebook and pencil case away, and then decided to hell with it, and pulled his mirror out of his bag. He didn’t have any classes until that afternoon, so at least he had time to fix whatever was wrong.

Except nothing was wrong.

Roman looked the same as he always did.

Feeling more confused than ever, Roman dropped the mirror back into his bag, and that was when he noticed the note someone had slipped inside it.

Hesitantly, Roman took it out and unfolded it.

Roman, it read. Your eyes are as deep as the ocean. Your body is like a Greek statue. There are not enough words in the English language to describe my love for you.

Roman should feel flattered. A secret admirer writing him love notes was the kind of thing he daydreamed about (though in his dreams, the notes usually ended up coming from one person in particular). Instead, the note just made an uncomfortable feeling settle in his stomach.

Perhaps it was a prank. Some class wide prank everyone had decided to pull on Roman because –

Well, Roman wasn’t sure why. He didn’t think he’d pissed anyone off lately. And it certainly wasn’t out of jealousy – he was only barely scraping by in that class, and that was with Logan tutoring him.

He shoved the note back inside his bag. Well, if it was a prank, he wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of an answer, and by the end of the day, everyone would get bored of him, and things would go back to normal.

Not far away from him, a girl was casting glances at him, from where she stood surrounded by friends. Roman smiled awkwardly at her, and that seemed to be enough to encourage her to start walking towards him, determination written on her face.

Perhaps he’d spend the rest of the day in his apartment.

He quickly began walking across campus, but was interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Roman!”

Roman turned to see Patton jogging towards him, clearly out of breath. He didn’t have his backpack on, but he was carrying some kind of container in his hands.

Patton was always a welcome sight, but something about it seemed off, though Roman couldn’t quite tell what.

“Padre!” Roman greeted with a wave, as Patton finally slowed to a stop.

Patton laughed far too loudly. “Padre! That’s – that’s funny.”

“Um. Good,” Roman chuckled nervously. Suddenly, he remembered what was off. “Hey, aren’t you supposed to be in a lecture?”

Patton beamed at him. “You remembered! Oh, of course you did, you’re so smart, Roman! But anyway, I just had to see you.”

Ah. That explained Patton’s odd behaviour. “What do you want?” Roman asked, voice teasing.

Patton shoved the container he was carrying into Roman’s hands. “Here! I made these for you!”

Roman hesitated a moment before opening the container. Inside, it was filled with chocolate chip cookies.

“Patton, when did you find time to make these? You had lectures all morning.”

“Oh, I didn’t go to those,” Patton answered, waving a hand dismissively, “This was far more important.”

“How could this be more important than lectures?”

Maybe Patton was stress baking. But then, Roman couldn’t remember him mentioning any tests coming up.

“Because they’re for you, silly!” Patton’s expression changed to be oddly serious. ”Roman, you’re a really important person in my life.”

“You’re an important part of my life too, Patton.”

Whatever was wrong, it must be serious, because one level above baking in Patton’s Stress Metre™ was getting overly emotional about how much he loved his friends.

“I’m really glad we met. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you.”

Roman shifted uncomfortably. “Oh, I’m sure you’d get on fine. Anyway, Virgil and Logan-“

“They don’t matter,” Patton dismissed. “Not the way you matter to me.”

Roman blushed. “Well, thanks, Pat. I’m glad to hear it.”

“I really like you, Roman,” Patton said earnestly.

Roman laughed nervously. “I know. I really like you too.”

“No, I mean, I really like you.”

“I… know? Patton, are you feeling okay?”

“No, I mean-“ Patton made a frustrated sound, and then took a step closer to Roman. They were nearly touching. Patton’s eyes were shining with something Roman couldn’t name. He gently laid one hand against Roman’s cheek, and Roman found himself frozen in place. Patton leaned in to him, and then-

And then they were kissing.

Or rather, Patton was kissing him, because Roman himself unable to react as his brain short circuited.

Patton pulled away, smiling gently at him. “Do you see what I mean now?”

“Urk,” Roman said.

Patton frowned. “Roman?”

And oh, god, Roman was going to have to let Patton down somehow, and how was he supposed to that? Only a monster would reject someone like Patton, but clearly Roman was a monster, because he loved Patton, but not in a romantic way, and entering a relationship with Patton just wouldn’t be fair, not while Roman was hopelessly in love with-

Roman pulled himself away from that thought. That way madness lies.

“Uh, Patton, that’s great, but, uh-“ Roman spotted something over Patton’s shoulder. “Oh, God.”

As if the day wasn’t bad enough, heading towards the two of them was Logan. Logan, who was one of Roman’s closest friends. Logan, who, though he refused to admit it, was in love with Patton. Logan, who must have seen the kiss.

Logan, who looked really, really, pissed.

Roman considered turning himself into a frog. Anything to get out of this situation.

Patton turn to look over his shoulder, frowning. His expression turned to ice, which looked incredibly wrong on Patton’s face.

“Logan,” he greeted, colder than Roman had ever heard him.

“Patton,” Logan responded in kind, and then his voice warmed as he said, “Roman. It’s good to see you.”

“It’s, uh, good to see you too, specs.” Roman looked nervously between the other two, who were glaring daggers at each other.

Had they had a fight? Was that why Patton had kissed him – some attempt to make Logan jealous?

That didn’t sound right, but then, none of this sounded right.

“Roman,” Patton said brightly, “Why don’t we continue our conversation somewhere else?”

“Roman,” Logan added before Roman could reply, “There is something I want to show you. Perhaps you would like to come with me?”

“Uh,” Roman eloquently replied.

“That’s nice, Logan, but Roman and I were in the middle of something, right?” Patton turned back to Roman. “Come on, I’m sure you don’t really want Logan boring you.”

“Oh, but he does want you throwing yourself at him?”

Patton glared. “Roman and I are perfect together. Right, Roman?”

“Hang on-“

“Please. Roman, I assure you, I would make a far superior romantic partner than Patton?”

“Oh, you think so?”

“I don’t think so, I know so.”

“Please, how would you know how to treat Roman right? You don’t know the first thing about love.”

“That is patently untrue.”

“Stop!” Roman shouted, and the two turned to look at them.

Patton beamed. “Hey, Logan, why don’t we let Roman decide who he wants to be with?”

“For once, Patton, you make an excellent suggestion. Roman?”

Roman looked between them both.

“Well, Roman?” Patton prompted.

“I, uh – I gotta go.”

And then, Roman decided to take a page out of Virgil’s book and boldly teleported away.

***

Roman landed right outside his door, blocked from just teleporting into the apartment by the wards Virgil had insisted on putting up when they first moved in. He threw the door open and rushed inside, locking the door behind him and then locking it again with magic. Finally, he leaned against the door and allowed himself a moment of panic.

“Princey, what the hell?”

Roman jumped, and then noticed that Virgil was sitting on the sofa, looking at Roman as if he’d lost his mind.

“Ah, Virgil, hello,” Roman said, glancing around the room as he tried to calculate the best escape route if Virgil decided to throw himself at him.

Not that Roman would mind Virgil throwing himself under most circumstances.

A flash of hurt crossed Virgil’s face for a moment, and right, Roman probably looked like an asshole who was trying to avoid his best friend right now.

“Say, Virgil.” Roman risked taking a step towards him. “What do you think of me?”

Virgil raised an eyebrow. “Right now I think you’re insane.”

Roman had never felt so relieved to hear Virgil insult him.

“Oh, thank god,” he said, and threw himself down on the sofa next to Virgil.

“Care to explain what’s going on?” Virgil asked.

Roman sighed, trying to figure out how best to explain it. “I think everyone’s in love with me.”

Nailed it.

Virgil rolled his eyes. “How do you walk around under the weight of that ego?”

Or maybe not.

Roman groaned, and dropped his head into his hands.

Virgil laid a hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” he said, and when Roman looked up, he looked worried. “C’mon, tell me what’s really wrong?”

Roman sighed. “I wasn’t actually joking, you know.”

Virgil furrowed his brow, so Roman decided to just launch straight into it.

“Patton kissed me.”

Virgil froze.

“Oh,” he said, and there was something wrong with his voice. “Well, that’s… great, I guess. Patton’s a good guy.”

Oh, god, now Virgil thought he and Patton were dating.

“No, it’s not,” Roman blurted. “I mean, yeah, Patton’s great, but this… Virgil, has Patton ever showed any interest in me?”

“Well, no, but I’m not exactly the guy people go to for relationship advice.”

“Right! But today, Patton came up to me, and apparently he skipped all of his lectures to make me cookies, and then he kissed me!”

Virgil frowned. “Okay, that… doesn’t really sound like Patton. He’s more of the pine quietly type.”

Roman could relate.

“Yeah, and then Logan came over, and said that he was in love with me too!”

“Okay, that definitely doesn’t sound right.” Virgil chewed his lower lip nervously. “Do you think something happened to them? Like, did someone put a spell on them or something?”

“Maybe.” Roman ran his fingers through his hair. “No, that can’t be it. This thing has been happening all morning. Logan and Patton are just the only ones who actually talked to me. Here.”

Roman dug through his bag and pulled out the note he’d found earlier. He handed it to Virgil, who read over it.

“Wow, Princey, this is…”

“I know,” Roman groaned.

“This is really bad. ‘Your body is like a Greek statue’?”

“Can we focus on the magic part, Edgar Allen Woe?” Roman snapped.

“Right. Sorry.” Virgil looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well, Logan and Patton make their own food, so it couldn’t be that. And I doubt someone would be powerful enough to just cast a spell on the whole campus. Which means… Ah, crap.”

“What? What is it?”

“The spell must have been cast on you.”

“Someone cast a love spell on me?”

Love spells were forbidden magic. They stripped away the victim’s identity. Over time, they wouldn’t care about anything other than making the object of the affections happy. And they would do anything to make them happy.

Virgil nodded. “And now everyone who casts eyes on you falls in love with you. Or something.”

“Except for you,” Roman pointed out.

Virgil’s eyes slid to the side. “Right,” he said tightly. “Except for me.”

Roman shook his head. “So how do we stop this?”

Virgil grimaced. “Sorry, but I think this is where my help ends. Ordinarily, I’d say we ask Logan, but I think we’re on our own for this one.”

Roman considered. “We might not be.”

“What are you-? Oh, no, you have got to be kidding me.”

“I’m just saying, if we asked him to, he’d probably drop everything to come help.”

“So you want to use the spells effects to manipulate our friend?”

Okay, that did sound bad.

“Not when you say it like that! Look, Logan would want to help us, right?”

Virgil nodded warily.

“And it’s not like we’re only doing this for our benefit. He probably isn’t thrilled about being in love with me, either.”

Virgil snorted at that, but he still looked serious. “Spells that influence emotions are dangerous for a reason, Roman. People under them don’t act like they normally would. There’s no telling what Logan might do.”

“Oh, relax,” Roman said, already pulling out his phone to send a text. “It’s Logan. What’s the worst that can happen?”

***

Twenty minutes later, Logan was stood in the living room glaring daggers at Virgil, who looked like he was trying to shrink even further into his hoody, and Roman was strongly starting to regret his decision.

“I wasn’t aware he would be here,” Logan said at last.

“I live here,” Virgil snapped.

Roman grimaced. He recognised what Virgil was doing, going on the defensive. Turning prickly and lashing out at anyone because he expected everyone to hurt him. It was how he’d been when they first met. Roman had never wanted to see Virgil act like that again, and certainly not at Logan of all people.

“Okay,” Roman said, stepping between them. “Logan, we need your help with something.”

For a moment, Logan looked disappointed, and Roman pushed down a pang of guilt. This is for the best, he told himself.

“I see,” he said at last. “Well, I’m always happy to help you, Roman. What is it you need?”

Roman glanced at Virgil for support, who just sent him a look that said this was your idea.

“This is probably gonna sound crazy,” Roman said, “But we think someone cast a love spell on me.”

Logan was silent for a moment, before saying, “I see. It does not sound crazy, actually.”

“It doesn’t?” Roman asked.

That was a lot easier than Roman had expected.

“It makes a lot of sense, actually. You must have noticed Patton’s behaviour earlier.”

“Right,” Roman agreed eagerly. “That’s what I meant.”

“Well, it is a good thing you came to me. And it is a good thing I am not affected.”

Maybe not easier than expected. Roman exchanged a glance with Virgil.

“You think you aren’t affected?” Virgil echoed.

Logan rolled his eyes. “It’s simple. Love spells do not work on those already in love with the person the spell was cast on.”

“So you think your feelings for Roman are real?” Virgil sounded disbelieving.

Logan tilted his head. “Of course. Why wouldn’t they be?”

“Right,” Roman said slowly. “Well, do you think we can break it?”

“Certainly. Although with no further information, trying to do so by ourselves may take some time.”

“Are you talking hours, or…?”

“Weeks, more likely. Possibly even months.”

Roman groaned and threw his head back.

“So we’re doomed,” Virgil chimed in.

“Did I say that? No, because we are not doomed.”

“Look, L, I don’t know about you, but I really don’t think Roman can just go around with a love spell on him for months. What if something happens?”

“Of course he can’t. Which I why I am not suggesting that he does. Yes, trying to break the spell by ourselves could take months, but the caster of the spell could break it in seconds.”

“So we find whoever cast the spell, and get them break it,” Roman said, brightening now that they had a plan.

“Exactly,” Logan said.

Virgil shook his head. “Where would even start?”

“Ordinarily, I would suggest Roman tell us everyone who might mean him harm, and we work from there. But I do not think that will be necessary.”

Roman frowned. “It won’t?”

“No. I believe I know exactly who is to blame.” Logan stepped around Roman so that he was standing in front of Virgil, who tensed.

“Virgil,” Logan continued, “You do not appear to be affected by the spell.”

Virgil shot a panicked glance at Roman, who felt frozen in place.

“I guess not,” Virgil muttered, looking away from them both.

“Specs, what are you saying?” Roman asked.

“I would have thought it was apparent. I am accusing Virgil of casting the spell on you.”

Virgil eyes widened in panic. He turned to look directly at Roman. “Roman, I swear, that isn’t true.”

“Then perhaps you would care to explain your lack of response to the spell?” Logan asked.

Virgil scowled, and looked away.

Roman swallowed. Virgil was watching him desperately.

When he’d realised Virgil wasn’t affected, he’d been too relieved to wonder why.

It wouldn’t be the first time Virgil had used magic against him, but that had been a long time ago, and Roman had given as good as he’d got.

A year ago, Roman wouldn’t have hesitated to believe that Virgil could have done this. But that had been a different Virgil, the Virgil that had existed in Roman’s mind, because that was what Virgil had wanted him to see.

The real Virgil was the one who had stayed up late arguing about Disney movies with him so that Roman wouldn’t think about how he’d done on his exams. Was the one who had shrugged and muttered “whatever, Princey,” when Roman had asked if he wanted to get an apartment together, but had turned his head away so Roman wouldn’t see his smile. Was the one who fussed every time Roman used magic recklessly.

The real Virgil could be sharp, but never cruel. Even when he and Roman had been at each other’s throats, he would never have gone this far.

“Okay,” Roman said, “I believe you.”

Virgil let out a breath, and smiled uncertainly at Roman. Roman smiled back.

“You cannot be serious,” Logan argued. “He gives no evidence to prove his innocence, and yet you just believe him?”

“I know he wouldn’t do this,” Roman said firmly. “And so do you.”

Logan scowled, but didn’t deny it. “Well, then who else do you suggest is responsible? Can you think of someone who able to cast such a spell, that would do so as some kind of petty prank?”

There was a moment of silence, filled by three men coming to the same realisation.

“Remus.”

There was a pause, and then:

“Crap,” Virgil muttered.

#sanders sides #roman sanders #virgil sanders #prinxiety #fanfiction #My fic #put a spell on you

76 notes · View notes

unikornavenger · 4 years

Text

Pairing: Platonic Moxiety

Warnings: General anxiety, cursing, homophobia, family issues, money issues

Word Count: 2,738 words

A/N: Ah, so it’s been a while. Haha like one and a half years. Uh oopsie. I hope someone reads this lol. I finished this sometime in 2018 and then forgot about it, so I’m uploading it now. Also, I kinda don’t like this, and I’m finishing a new fic very sooon. and sorry for this horrid formatting. (i can’t add a read more on mobile sorryyy)

Summary: Virgil can’t get a job and he accidentally takes his anger out on poor Patton.

Alright, onward with the story!

Virgil stares at the paper in his hands as his breath speeds up without his awareness. The edges begin to crinkle in his fists. It’s shaking.

He doesn’t deserve this letter. He refuses to accept the words that are screaming back at his face. Not after everything that he’s tried. Not after all of his hard work. He doesn’t deserve to read the words “We regret to inform you” again.

After so many pieces of paper with the same phrase ended up shredded in the trash, it feels so easy to just stop trying. Because he’s trying so hard to get a job. It’s so unreasonably difficult.

He’s applied for jobs he’s overqualified for, underqualified for, and ones that he was certain that he would get hired for. Maybe that’s why it hurts so much. Because he knows that he should have gotten a way to earn income on his own by now.

The desire to just be able to stand on his own two feet is overwhelming. He’s tired of staring into the black hole that is his wallet and deciding that he hasn’t done enough to pay for a cup of coffee. Friends keep paying for simple things that he insists he doesn’t want or need.

It’s the building guilt that’s getting to him. That’s it. He doesn’t want them to pay for the things that he should be able to pay for himself.

And another rejection? Virgil’s sure that he has applied for all the operating stores in a five-mile radius. There have to be more desperate places where he could apply. He just has to look harder and dig deeper.

But if he receives another “we regret to inform you” letter, he’s going to lose his mind.

There’s a hand on his shoulder, “Hey, Kiddo? You okay?”

Virgil takes a deep breath, “Yeah, it’s just another rejection.”

“Aw, I’m sorry.” Patton leans his head on Virgil’s. It’s supposed to be comforting, but it feels like the action is full of pity. Patton must be tired of Virgil using him as a crutch. He probably thinks he’s manipulative and only has him as a friend because he wants money.

“Thanks,” Virgil manages, hoping that Patton can’t hear the weird raspiness in his throat. “It’s just exhausting trying and trying and then to keep… you know?”

“I know,” Patton rubs Virgil’s arm. He finally gently shakes himself out of Patton’s hold to place the letter on the counter.

“I don’t know how I can support myself anymore.”

Patton slowly nods his head, “Are you sure you can’t ask your parents for help?”

As close as Patton and Virgil are, Virgil’s never told him about his situation with his family. It’s embarrassing and dirty and awkward. But he’s thankful for it because he was able to meet Patton. His parents essentially kicked him out as soon as he turned eighteen because they couldn’t handle a gay son in their house. He would be a bad influence on his younger siblings. His behavior was “unacceptable”.

He isn’t really mad at his parents for thinking like that though. He knows that they grew up in a generation where “gay” was a slur and there was so much negativity in the media about the queer community. He couldn’t really change their mind.

He just wishes he could for his siblings’ sake.

That being said, Virgil can’t ask for his parents’ help. He told them he could manage on his own. He told them that he could support himself better than they could support him.

And here he is. Drowning in his empty pockets, leaning on his friends for everything. Once again his parents prove him wrong even though they are thousands of miles away.

He promised himself that he would be independent and he’s become more able to do things on his own. He thought he could handle it, but evidently not.

“Yeah, I don’t think they would be able to help me.”

A strange expression washes over Patton’s face. Virgil can’t read it. “Are you sure?”

Virgil rolls his eyes. Maybe he’ll take the hint and bite his tongue. “Yes, Pat. I have to do this myself. On my own.”

Patton crosses his arms, “Okay, then, I just don’t understand why you refuse to ask your parents for help. They’re your parents. They have to understand your situation.”

He resists the urge to laugh. He would rather not think about them being his parents because they never really seemed like his parents. “I don’t understand why you think that I can ask for their help.”

“Well, when I’m struggling, I just give my mom a call and have a chat with her and I always feel better. I think you should explain your situation to them, and they can help you out while you find a new job.”

“Okay, well, some of us don’t have the luxury of calling our parents. Some of us don’t have everything served to us on a silver platter. Some of us have to actually work in order to float. Some of us actually have to try.”

Virgil could tell by the amount, condition, and brand of Patton’s clothes that he grew up in a wealthy family. Or at least one that never needed assistance from the government. Maybe that’s why Patton’s always happy. Because he already has everything he could ever need in life.

Patton shakes his head as he takes a step back, “That’s not fair-”

Virgil laughs dryly. How thick can he be? “You’re right. It’s not fair that I’ve had to work so hard in order to be able to survive up to this moment in time and you have been able to feed off of your parents to this day.”

He snatches the letter from off the counter before storming off to his room, shaking his head.

He latches the door behind him slowly, preventing himself from slamming it because he told himself he would never ever slam a door.

Sure, maybe, his actions are a bit immature. But, as he stares at a crumpled piece of paper in his hands, his actions seem justified.

He leans his head against the door and closes his eyes. Patton didn’t understand. He can’t just bring up Virgil’s family and expect the conversation to go over well. After everything Virgil’s done to prevent phrases that his par- phrases that they’ve said from resurfacing. Patton can’t just make them bubble up to the forefront of his mind.

He’s made progress that he’s proud of. It’s wrong to remind him of the past without warning. Patton has no idea how difficult it has been to not think about the people that raised him. They were his foundation that he relied on until he couldn’t anymore.

Patton has no idea.

Wait, Patton has no idea.

Sugar honey iced tea.

He turns around and grasps the door handle. He pauses. If he goes out there, Patton could be upset that Virgil just lashed out at him for no reason.

His hand falls.

He doesn’t want to be reprimanded by Pat. But, if he stays in his room, he’s afraid he might explode. Of guilt or anxiety? He’s not really sure.

He looks around him until he notices the window that leads to a fire escape. Perfect.

It takes a few moments to carefully traverse the rickety metal steps. And once he reaches the ground, he feels an actual weight being lifted from his chest.

Freedom. The air in his apartment is far too heavy with the guilt of hurting Patton and the combined failures crumpled up in messy spheres in his garbage.

He needs to talk to someone else.

His legs guide him to the library where Logan works. The walk is peaceful, side for the hum of cars whizzing past him. Memories of his youth flood his mind. When he was younger, he would walk hand in hand with his mother and the cars driving past would cause him alarm. They were so close to him and they could so easily jump the pavement and hit him.

But, everything was alright because Mom said so. She told him that the drivers knew what they were doing. And since she was there, she would always protect him. The cars would have to get past her first.

She always placed herself between the street and her son.

The rush of air from the entrance of the library brings him back to the present. Taking out his earbuds, he approaches the front desk to see Logan rapidly shoving items into his messenger bag as some random librarian assists the person checking out a stack of books. His phone is sandwiched between his shoulder and his ear.

He said he never does that because it is dangerous, and one could easily drop their phone. Yet, here Logan is, disregarding his own advice.

“I’m on my way. Try to calm down. Take a few deep breaths,” Logan hangs up the phone before throwing it into his bag.

Scrunching his eyebrows together, Virgil asks, “Logan?”

Logan whips around, interrupting his frenzy to face Virgil. “Virgil? Why are you here? Are you okay?” His voice is low in volume but still incredibly urgent.

Virgil takes a step back so his brain can comprehend the words that are quickly exiting Logan’s mouth at Mach 2 speed. “Uh, I’m fine.”

“Then why the hell-” He cuts himself off as he looks around him. Virgil is suddenly aware of him wringing his hands together. He watches as Logan takes a deep breath before informing the librarian that he has to step out for a second. The librarian nods once sharply in conformation.

Logan silently slips out from behind the counter and leads Virgil to the front of the library. He tucks them into a side street branching from the library.

Virgil feels his throat go dry. He’s pretty sure that Logan didn’t bring him here so he could beat him up, but he can’t stop the thought from crossing his mind.

“Would you like to explain to me why Patton just called me panicking because he thought that you ran away and would quote-unquote ‘do something bad?’” Logan urges as he crosses his arms across his chest.

Virgil takes the tiniest step back at Logan’s tone. It’s like his words are made out of steel. “I might have upset him.” It sounds more like a question than a statement.

“That might have been the largest understatement that has ever exited your mouth.” He sighs loudly, “Excuse me, I have to tell Patton you are alright before he keels over.”

His stomach flips as Logan turns around, pulling out his cellphone from his pants pocket. Hurting Patton is the absolute worst thing Virgil has ever done.

That might have been an exaggeration, but in this moment it feels like it. Patton didn’t deserve Virgil’s stupid outburst. He didn’t deserve any of the shit Virgil puts him through. And yet, he continues to tolerate Virgil’s presence.

Logan’s voice cuts through the stale air, “Hi, Patton. I’ve run into Virgil, and he is fine.” Virgil shuffles his feet and sniffs, “Yes, I’ll tell him… Okay… Okay… 10 minutes… Goodbye.”

Logan turns back around as he pockets his phone once again, “Patton is awaiting your arrival back at the apartment. I told him that it would take you approximately 10 minutes for you to return home. Please hurry back and fix this mess because he is very worried.”

Virgil feels like he just murdered someone. That’s how much intense guilt is crushing what is left of his soul. He doesn’t deserve friends like this.

“Thanks, Logan.”

“Anytime,” he leads Virgil to the end of the side street before pausing and turning Virgil to face himself. “Just please try to not do this again.”

Virgil swallows, “Duly noted.”

Logan makes off toward the library as Virgil is left wallowing in his own mind as his feet trudge back to his apartment.

As soon as Logan leaves, Virgil feels light, whispiness in the air leave with him. He doesn’t want to face Patton yet, but he’s already done enough damage. He’s taken Patton’s money, lied to him, and screamed at him. Why does he still care?

Why does Patton have the capacity to care about him?

It doesn’t seem fair. Virgil has absolutely nothing to offer Patton. His implanted negative attitude always brings everyone down with him. He’s not smart like Logan and can’t solve any of his own goddamn issues. He’s not funny like Roman and can’t make anyone laugh to brighten their day. He’s not empathetic like Patton and can’t help anybody. He’s just a goddamn nuisance.

He’s exactly what his parents told him he would become.

A monster.

A monster who craves power and feeds off of exuberant people.

A monster who is the villain that rampages other people’s wallets and destroys their happiness.

A monster with absolutely no purpose.

Virgil looks up to see his apartment complex. His fingers wrap around the keys in his pocket. They feel heavier than usual.

He drags his feet as he maneuvers through the small crowd of people gathering in the lobby.

Virgil decides against using the stairs as he’s afraid his legs just might collapse underneath him.

Entering the elevator, he feels like he’s breathing through cheesecloth. The keys jingle in his left hand as he uses his right to push the button for the fourth floor. Luckily, the elevator doors slide closed before anybody else could enter the small box.

He glues his eyes to the ascending floor numbers that seem to be changing far too quickly.

This problem must be solved for Patton’s sake. The monstrous puddle of guilt gushing into his stomach agrees with him.

The elevator dings as it comes to a stop on the fourth floor. Virgil exits and soon enough he is staring at his apartment number.

He should just run back down. Forget about this whole ordeal and deal with it tomorrow. He can’t open this stupid door. His hands refuse to fish for the keys in his pocket.

No.

He has to do this. If not for himself, then for Patton.

Deal with the consequences.

He wills his hands to take out his keys and insert them into the keyhole.

Here goes nothing.

The door creaks open and Patton is standing in the living room. His back is to the door. His hands are tangled in his hair and he holds his glasses in his left hand.

He turns around quickly, “Virge?” Patton makes a mad dash for the door.

Virgil’s legs suddenly don’t work, so he allows Patton to wrap his arms around him. Virgil slowly pats his back before using his foot to close the door behind them.

Patton sniffs before he lets go, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have pressured you to talk about your parents. And I’m so sorry I made you feel like you had to leave. But I wasn’t thinking and-”

“Woah, Pat,” Virgil interrupts, “It’s- It’s,” he laughs humorously. “It’s not your fault. It never was.”

“Of course it was!” He exclaims, rubbing a hand across his eyes. “I should have never made you- I should have just been there for you, no questions asked.”

“Patton,” Virgil chuckles quietly, “That’s insane! We’re best friends. I should have never expected you to blindly catch my fall. That’s asking way too much of you.”

“Wait,” Patton pauses, “You still think we’re best friends?”

Virgil takes Patton’s hand, “Of course I do. One disagreement doesn’t equal the end of the world.”

Patton looks at the ground, “Oh.”

“Patton, none of this is your fault. I was just scared because I didn’t think you would understand the, um, situation with me and my parents.”

“I can assure you that I will do my best to be here for you.”

“It’s just,” Virgil pauses. The words won’t exit his tongue. His mouth is filled with cotton. He didn’t realize how difficult this would be until he was actually in the moment.

“You don’t have to tell me tonight, Virge. I trust you to tell me when you’re ready. And if that day never comes, I will respect your decision.”

“Thanks.”

“Well!” Patton shouts, “I think this calls for a tea and Netflix night. What do you think?”

Virgil smiles as Patton grins widely, “With that smile, how could I disagree?”

#sanders sides #virgil sanders #patton sanders #sanders sides fanfic #uni writes #moxiety #logan sanders

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latestageyouth · 5 years

Text

When you walk away (Nothing more to say)

chapter 4 - ThE PLoT tHiCKeNS

trigger warnings: sympathetic Remus and Deceit, misunderstandings, threatening, threats of blackmail, slight unsympathetic Patton (let me know if I missed something)

summary: Just because I don't have the patience to write slow burn doesn't mean I won't try.

The following week was, as expected, awkward between Damon and Logan. Neither talked to each other, hell, Damon even skipped some of his classes to avoid Logan. Not that Logan did the same, but hey, he doesn't really need lunch, right? Okay, so maybe Virgil was getting suspicious, but it wasn't like he will be forever. Soon, Virgil will get used to the three not hanging out together and forget the two ever even talked. Logan was sure of it.

Which is why he was especially alarmed when Patton mentioned it.

"...Pardon?"

"I was saying that you and Damon are, like, making an extra effort avoiding each other, what happened? I mean, it's not like you were buddies before but you are intentionally avoiding him now. What happened? Did he hurt you?"

"N-no, of course not! I would tell you if such a thing happened," Logan reassured the other man.

Patton furrowed his eyebrows, giving Logan a kind but concerned look, "Then what happened?"

And for the first time in forever, Logan didn't know what to say, "Well, you see...Damon..." his eyes darted around the classroom, "...Asked me...out?" okay, maybe it wasn't completely true, but it was close enough.

Patton started at Logan for a while before collapsing into a laughing fit, "Oh Godness, Logan, have you learned a thing or two from me?" he wiped the tears from his eyes as Logan stared at him. After what seemed like an eternity Patton's expression changed from a smile to a black stare, "Holy Moly, you weren't kidding..."

"Why would I joke about something like that?" Logan crossed his arms and looked away.

"And what did you say?" Patton propped his head into his hands, putting his elbows onto the table.

"I said no, what else would I say?" Logan internally cringed at his answer. God, he wished Damon would ask him out, but of course, his chances are already ruined. He ruined them himself. How did he know that? Well, when someone avoids you and doesn't go five feet near you, you kinda get the message.

Patton just nodded, still smiling, "Good."

Logan furrowed his eyebrows, "Why is that good?"

"Well, Damon is a bad person. I mean, he spreads gossip around the school, he breaks the school rules, I even heard that he got arrested once for underage drinking," Logan wonders if Patton can see the hypocrisy of his last sentence, "And surely you wouldn't want to be like that, right? He's just...bad influence."

Logan looked at the clock, "The class is about to start. I suggest you take out your things," Patton did as he was told, pulling out his biology textbook and some colourful pens. Logan looked at the floor, even as the professor came in. It was unlike him to zone out during a lesson, but he couldn't help thinking about what Patton had said. A bad person? From what Logan saw, he is far from one. And really, underage drinking? Four out of ten teenagers had drunk alcohol, it's not as outrageous as Patton makes it.

"Mr. Croft, care to elaborate?"

Logan looked at Ms. Watson, "Pardon me Ms, what was the question again?"

Ms. Watson sighed, "Mr. Croft, out of all the people here I thought you would be the one listening. Nevermind then, Mr. Lee?"

"Antonie Philips is often called "The father of microbiology", Ms."

Ms. Watson nodded, "Very well, at least one student is paying attention," she turned her back on the class and started writing on the board.

Logan put his head into his arms, shutting his eyes. Despite the embarrassment, he kept thinking about the whole "Damon" situation. He hadn't heard any rumours or gossip surrounding him, but of course, people won't talk shit about him in front of his face. Maybe Damon already spread the word and Roman and Patton were not telling him out of pity? He needed to confront Damon about it, ignoring him will only make it worse, and if he hadn't told anything to anybody yet, maybe he can prevent him from doing so.

As soon as the lesson ended he packed his things and went out into the hallway. If he's (un)lucky, he will spot Damon, and (un)lucky he is, as Damon is talking to Remus close by. He tries but fails, to swallow the lump in his throat as he approaches the two. The two don't even notice him at first, so Logan needs to speak up, which is more difficult than it should be. Is this how Virgil feels?

"Ex...cuse me..."

The two look down at the spectacled young man. They both raise an eyebrow at once, which Logan thinks is remarkably eerie. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, Damons spoke, "What do you want, specs?"

"Can I speak to you? Alone?" Logan looks at Remus, who in turn looks at Damon. After a while, Damon sighs and tells Remus to wait for him in the classroom. Remus, although involuntarily and with a lot of protests and a suggestive wink, does what he is told.

Damon turns to look at Logan, "Well? I don't have all day for you."

"Don't spread rumours about me."

Damon smirks, but not in the same way he did on the last Thursday, this smirk is bitter and sarcastic, "Straight to the point I see. You always were so formal, Logan, but I am afraid I have not, it goes against your wishes, after all."

A tiny bit of flush spread across Logan's cheeks, "Oh, how thoughtful of you. I didn't know you were so...fair."

"I am not. I just know how gossip works. You see, rumours get twisted very easily, and I don't need the school thinking I got rejected by a nerd and am just twisting the whole story to look good. Remus has the same class as you, did you seriously think he wouldn't tell me?"

Logan furrowed his eyebrows, "I-"

"Now scram, you're ruining my reputation," Damon began walking away. Logan tried to think of something to say that would get his attention. If that would happen to be a threat, well, there's nothing Logan can do with that.

"That's not what you said on Thursday. How do you know that I won't tell people about that, huh?"

It seemed to work, as Damon stopped walking. He slowly turned to look at Logan with a wide-eyed look he could only identify as fury. He walked over to Logan, pushing him against the wall with his hands on his shoulders, their height difference not helping the situation. Logan could technically just kick him or punch him, but for some reason, his body didn't cooperate with him, "I know you, Croft. You're not the type to spread rumours about someone you have a crush on just because you fucked up your chance with them. That sounds more like me, and if you have some of that common sense you love to boast about, you would know not to push my buttons."

Logan may not look fazed, but on inside he couldn't put the person from last Thursday and the person right now together. One of them was a facade, that Logan knew, but which one was beyond him. Damon leaned in closer, now speaking in a much lower and threatening manner.

"If I remember correctly, you didn't want to look like a creep, right? Well, you see Logan, the best rumours have a little bit of truth to them, so let's say that I would take you having a crush on me and twisted it just a little bit. What do you think would happen if you gained a reputation as a stalker, huh? Even if you disproved it, people would still believe it, because it was the first word, and also because I can be very convincing with my words. Capiche?" Damon stepped away from him, his hands leaving Logan's shoulders. When Logan glanced up at him again, he looked like a completely normal person who didn't just threaten him. He even smiled at Logan, a relaxed smile at that, "Well, I look forward to our next chit-chat."

He walked away and left Logan with that. He was a completely different person. Was that his real self? Does he even have a real self? His thoughts were interrupted by Patton who put a hand on his shoulder. On instinct, Logan jerked away.

"Hey Lo, you okay?"

"I, uh," the man in question adjusted his glasses, "Yes, why would I not be? We should get to our next class."

"Mhm," Patton hummed, "I think Roman is already in math, I haven't seen him yet."

Logan chuckled, "I find that hard to believe. He probably overslept and is now running to school."

"Aw, come one, have some faith in him, Lo!" Patton punched Logan's arm.

Logan rubbed his bicep, "If he didn't slack off so much, maybe I would."

Patton didn't say anything in response, just softly smiling at Logan. They walked into the classroom and as expected, Roman was nowhere to be found. It wasn't until the middle of the math class that Roman burst through the door, apologizing and making up excuses to the teacher, who just told him to sit down and gave him detention. The three boys, well, mostly Roman and Patton, passed notes to each other during the class, occasionally snickering. Surprisingly, the teacher didn't catch them this time. Logan couldn't help but stare at the man not that far away from him. Only one row and a desk away. Logan knew that Damon knew he was staring at him, but that didn't stop him. He watched as he ripped out a page from his notebook and wrote something on it, then folding it and passing it to the person behind him, who looked at the note and passed it to Logan. Logan looked at the note.

It had an arrow pointing to the right scribbled on it. He unwrapped it.

'stop staring at me, u creep'

Logan looked around, checking to see if the teacher was looking, and when he confirmed that he was not, he took his pen and wrote back:

'Stop me Yourself.'

He folded it back together and passes it to the person connecting Damon and him. The girl gave him an unimpressed look, tapped Damon's shoulder and handed him the note. Logan watched as Damon read the note. He shot Logan a glare, which Logan returned with a passive-aggressive smirk. Logan didn't think Damon would do anything other than write back, so he was fairly surprised when he raised his hand.

The teacher looked at him, "Yes, Mr. Barnes?"

"Can I go to the BR? "

The teacher was silent for a few seconds, before answering, "Yes, but be quick."

"As always," Damon mumbled as he stood up and walked out of the door. That was ten minutes ago, and Logan wonders if he just made someone leave school to get away from him. So, instead, he focused on the lesson, ignoring the notes being passed between Roman and Patton. When the door finally opened, shortly before the end of the lesson, Logan didn't think he was ever more disappointed in someone.

There Damon stood in the doorway with a cupful of ice cream with a little plastic spoon stuck in it.

"Mr. Barnes, may I ask where you have been? You asked to go to the bathroom ten minutes ago," the chalk in the teacher's hand snapped in half.

Damon just shrugged, "I never said I was going to the bathroom, I said BR. You know, like Baskin-Robbins? Where else did you think I was going?"

"Detention. All week. Now sit down and stay silent."

Damon smirked and sat back down into his seat. Some of the kids in the class snickered, some let out a groan, some just sighed. Logan was one of the latter. He pinched the bridge of his nose with his hand, closing his eyes.

"Is that mint chocolate chip? Aw man, I'm so jelly!" Patton quietly whined.

Logan spent the rest of the class staring at Damon, not even paying attention to the class. Or Patton. Or Roman. Or anything other, really. When the bell finally rang, Logan's head almost blocked out the sound too. Roman and Patton were gone first, but Logan quickly caught up to them, not forgetting to shoot a glare to the sly snake walking off in another direction, which was returned.

Damon still had the cup, scrambling for the last remains of the ice cream before throwing it in the trash. He felt someone wrap around his waist and turned around only to see Remus.

"Since when are you so touchy-feely?"

"Since when are you such a buzzkill?" Remus tilted his head and grinned. Damon noticed Virgil standing behind the shorter teen. He waved awkwardly to Damon, while Damon nodded back. He turned back to look at Remus, who was now a reasonable distance from him, "I am so fucking hungry, let's go eat already."

Damon rolled his eyes, "Then don't skip breakfast all the time."

Remus groaned in response, already going to the cafeteria, so Damon and Vigril tagged along. Speaking of Virgil, he tapped him on his shoulder. Damon turned his head to look at him.

*'What's up with Logan and you?' *, Virgil signed to him. Oh, that's right, Damon finally started learning sign language. Although it was still broken, he understood enough, he was a fast learner.

Damon sighed, "Don't even ask, he's being an asshole."

'Why?'

Damon hesitated before answering, "...He's...jealous that I hang out with you more," Yes, that'll do it, lying is always a good alternative. Virgil didn't sign this time, instead scrunching up his face and rolling his eyes. Damon nodded, "Yeah, just don't tell him I told you, he would explode."

The cafeteria was emptier than usual. Still, they sat at their usual table, and Damon thanked whatever eldritch being was listening the others weren't here. The others? No, they weren't even a part of their group, they hung out with them once. Remus ate whatever food they served today, Damon couldn't tell what it was. He and Virgil were talking about something, but Damon couldn't bring himself to pay attention. The whole situation seemed like he was back in middle school, maybe it does to Logan too? Does he even remember him? Maybe he already forgot about their past friendship. Well, they were more frenemies than friends, Patton always brought them together despite their protests. Huh, he didn't talk to Patton in forever, but what did he expect? After what he did Damon has to business talking to him or his family.

He finally noticed the fingers snapping in front of his face, "Heeey, earth to Dee. Are you there?"

Damon pushed Remus' hand away, "Yeah, I'm sorry, just...thinking about stuff," he rubbed his eyes in an attempt to focus.

"Ooooh," Remus put a hand under his chin, "What kind of stuff?"

"None of your business."

Remus huffed, "Okay then, party-pooper, keep your secrets," he stuck his fork into the whatever-the-hell-cafeteria-was-serving-today and put it in his mouth. Virgil, who had pulled out his phone without the other noticing, turned the said phone around for Damon and Remus to look at.

'Srry, have to go. Told Em i would meet up with him dring lunch :P'

Damon waved his hand dismissively, "No problem," they both watched as Virgil got up and left the cafeteria.

"Look at that ass."

The taller one put a hand on his forehead, "God damn it, Remus, can you not sexualize one living being?"

"Sorry not sorry, the temptation is just too strong. Anygay, I wonder what Picani wants, do you think it's about us?"

Damon shrugged, "Maybe, maybe not, who cares..."

"Damn, Dee, what's up? You are the nosiest son of a bitch I know, don't you wanna go eavesdrop on them?" Remus gave the other a concerned, truly concerned look.

The other sighed, "Not really..."

"You, uh, you sure you're, like...totally gucci?"

He rolled his eyes, "Yes, Remus, I'm fine. Can we drop it?" Damon said in a more serious voice.

"..." Remus looked away, "Sure..." he frowned and ate the remains of his lunch. The table was silent up until Virgil returned, neither of them knew how long. The table was also silent after that, aside from a few greetings. Virgil didn't question it, and if he did, he didn't bring it up.

#long post #?#when you walk away (nothing more to say)#sympathetic deceit #sympathetic remus #unsympathetic patton #and so it begins #virgil sanders #remus sanders #deceit sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #analodemus #slow burn

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thecomicsnexus · 5 years

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TALES OF THE TEEN TITANS #56-58 (FINAL STORY) AUGUST - OCTOBER 1985 BY MARV WOLFMAN, CHUCK PATTON, MIKE DECARLO, ROMEO TANGHAL AND ADRIENNE ROY

SYNOPSIS (FROM DC DATABASE)

A band of costumed men, the hirelings of Gizmo of the Fearsome Five, invades the STAR research hospital in New York to retrieve the encapsulated form of Neutron, a nuclear-powered villain who once fought Superman, and who had just been transferred to the facility from Metropolis. Abruptly, Raven appears and mercilessly attacks the intruders, almost killing them. When she realizes what she is doing, she breaks off her assault and instead uses her empathic powers, increased by the growing influence of Trigon, to cure the patients of the hospital's Intensive Care Ward. Meanwhile, Gar Logan meets the returning Joseph and Adeline Wilson at the airport and apologizes for his earlier behavior toward Jericho, while Cyborg undergoes the operation that will restore his normal appearance. When the members of the Fearsome Five stage a break-in at Tri-State Prison, they are resisted by Nightwing, Wonder Girl, and Starfire, the remaining unoccupied Titans. When Nightwing is injured, Starfire forcibly removes him from the encounter by depositing him on a rooftop. Despite the efforts of the two heroines, Psimon and his teammates are able to abscond with another encapsulated super-powered prisoner, a woman called Jinx.

At Titans Tower, Dick, Donna, and Kory recuperate from their battle with the Fearsome Five, together with Gar and Joe, while at STAR, Victor Stone, his cyborg parts successfully replaced with plastic, undergoes recuperative physical therapy under the direction of Dr. Sarah Charles.

The Fearsome Five recruit the sorceress Jinx to their cause, but are unable to release Neutron from his confining radiation-proof capsule without aid. Days later, having heard nothing from Cyborg, the Titans learn of his operation from his grandparents, while the Fearsome Five decide to abduct Dr. Jenet Klyburn to help them free Neutron. Both groups converge on the STAR facility, but the super-villains arrive first and kidnap both Dr. Klyburn and Victor, whom they fail to recognize as the former Cyborg. Back at the criminals' headquarters, Victor manages to rig Neutron's capsule to explode, so that he and Jenet Klyburn can escape in the confusion. As they do so, however, Victor collapses when his body begins to reject its new polymer replacement parts.

The next morning, Psimon's image appears at a hastily convened mayoral press conference to demand the surrender of New York City to the Fearsome Five.

The Fearsome Five appear on the New York waterfront to lay claim to the city, and are confronted by the police and the Teen Titans. Starfire's opening blast throws Psimon into the Hudson River, and he does not resurface. The other super-criminals, particularly the revived Neutron, prove harder to subdue, and a pitched battle ensues.

Meanwhile, Psimon finds himself teleported aboard the orbiting satellite of the Monitor, who enlists him in his efforts to stop the destruction of the multiverse (as shown in Crisis on Infinite Earths).

Victor Stone undergoes surgery to transform him hack into Cyborg in order to save his life. Nightwing, Wonder Girl, Changeling, and Starfire are defeated, but the Fearsome Five have still to contend with Jericho, who possesses the members one-by-one, forcing them to battle one another, until the Titans have time to recover.

By this time, Jinx and Gizmo are unconscious, and Shimmer has been possessed by Jericho. Starfire matches power-blasts with Neutron, while Wonder Girl hurls Mammoth high into the air with her lasso, then drops him directly onto the nuclear villain, which knocks out both criminals.

The Titans then visit a recuperating Cyborg in the hospital, after which Jericho is made an official member of the team at Titans Tower.

REVIEW

And that is the last new story of New Teen Titans volume one. It’s not a great story, but it introduced Sarah Charles. This story also leads to New Teen Titans Volume 2.

As to why volume 2 was printed in offset with volume 1, just like with Outsiders, the reason was that back then, comic book shops weren’t everywhere, and Volume 2 was only available on comic shops. So these titles would reprint volume 2 stories in regular paper.

This practice didn’t last long. By 1987, comic shops were a thing everywhere.

It was also nice to see Victor as almost human again, even if it was for such a short time. More changes will come to him, especially by the end of the nineties.

I give this story a score of 7

#crisis on infinite earths #the monitor #harbinger #teen titans #titans #new teen titans #cyborg #fearsome five #jericho #chuck patton #romeo tanghal #dc comics #comics #review #1985 #modern age

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joeybelle · 6 years

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Oh, how the tables have turned -- Part 3

Clyde Logan x Reader

Inspired by @clyde-prompts: “Some guys are rude and use ableist slurs against Clyde. The reader is with them, and although she feels bad about what’s happening, is too scared to say anything in front of her “friends”. She comes back to the bar a couple nights later to try and show him she’s not a bad person. They get to know each other and fall in love”. Doesn’t fully follow the prompt

Warnings: Language, first person POV, driving under the influence cause I assume everyone does it in that movie, IDK what I’m doing.

Rating: Mature

Setting: Pre-Heist

Tags: @lonelyravenclaw @kyloren-supreme-ben @onmyknees4steve @elsablackswift @helloimindelaware @mwcritics

A.N: I’ve decided to slice this fic into 3000-ish words parts for people to be able to scroll past it without much annoyance. Pert 3 ended up being much longer than expected, so i had to cut it into two parts somewhere in the middle. It’s not perfect, but you’ll be getting both parts today. When I finish editing. Might take a while. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy the story. Feel free to drop me a line anytime or just message me if you wanna squee about Clyde Logan in general.

Rejection is always a tough pill to swallow. It wasn’t the first I’d gotten rejected and it certainly wouldn’t be the last, but it still didn’t go down easily. I found myself moping at home the next few days, following what I’d gotten used to calling the ‘series of unfortunate events’ related to Clyde Logan. Not that I had that many alternatives anyway, being a friendless nobody in a small town, but this time it felt self-imposed.

In the meantime I cut the grass in my yard and discovered a few rose bushes that were beautiful, but mean to my hands, I watched how the living room ceiling started leaking one rainy afternoon, signalling a pretty serious hole in the roof, nearly broke my neck going into the basement because there was a missing step I hadn’t seen before; I opened the vodka bottle all by myself and realized that he had been right, drinking alone wasn’t fun at all, but I was doing it anyway to hide my shame; I ate ice cream and binged Netflix shows for the rest of the week.

But there’s a limit to how much time you can spend alone at home before starting to go insane. I reached mine the next weekend and for a moment I considered paying Mellie a visit, but then I remembered the whole Clyde ordeal and I decided against it. I was sure that he’d told her everything and I really didn’t feel like talking about it. It was bad enough that I was beating myself up over it, I didn’t need someone else to rub it in. So, since the Duck Tape was off-limits for obvious reasons, and I didn’t feel like exploring for another bar in the neighbourhood I was left with only one option: the country fair.

I used to really love country fairs and carnivals and all that when I was a teenager, but it was probably because I’d be with my friends and there would be booze and food and we’d just be stupid together. I wasn’t sure I’d find them as charming nowadays, but at least I’d be moping outside, in public, which was an improvement to being secluded in my own home, waiting for another rain to invade the living room through the ceiling. So I showered, dressed like a semi-decent swamp witch and went to the damn thing.

As expected, the country fair didn’t impress me at all but it was a way to kill a few hours while feeling like less of a hermit than usual. I ate something, tested some insanely sweet drinks, and stuffed my face with enough ice cream to endanger my health, so in the end I found myself sitting on a bench, dangerously close to a food coma, with nothing better to do than to watch the crowd. Other people seemed to have way more fun than me. There were couples holding hands, parents with their kids, teenagers in groups visiting attractions and Clyde Logan with a blonde kid attached to his arm. Wait, what?

I have to say, this was the last place I had expected to see Clyde Logan. In my head, country fairs didn’t really fit his style (because I had spoken to him twice and I knew all there was to know about the man, obviously), and I assumed he’d be too busy with the bar to come to one anyway. I remembered that it was pretty early and the bar probably wasn’t open yet, but his presence in my field of vision was still unexpected.

I sighed dramatically and leaned back, arms crossed over my chest. Speak about bad luck, I thought. I came here to avoid him and here he was, swinging a blonde kid on his very toned arm. Actually, I didn’t mind the view. He was distracted by the kid and far enough not to notice my staring, so I indulged in it for a moment. There’s no harm in looking, right? Especially when he was wearing a dark, short-sleeved shirt that seemed at least a size too small, the buttons threatening to give in anytime he flexed his muscles while lifting the little girl in the air. His niece? Maybe. She seemed vaguely familiar, so I assumed she had been part of the onslaught of school kids that were sent to visit the college I worked at. Or maybe she was his kid. I had no way of knowing for sure.

Whatever the case, he looked really good doing it. He was smiling for a change. An open and honest smile lit up his usually somber face, and I just couldn’t look away. I caught myself wishing he would smile at me like that, but then I realized that we were practically strangers and I hadn’t made the best impression the first time we met. And since he clearly rejected me, I had to get over this crush ASAP if I wanted to live peacefully in this town.

The little girl let go of his arm and ran back to a couple that, after a bit of squinting, I recognized to be Jimmy Logan and his sister Mellie. They both looked different—after all it had been more than a decade since I’d last seen them—but not so much that I didn’t recognize them. Jimmy lifted the girl in the air and kissed her, then put her down and looked straight at me with a shit eating grin on his face. The feeling was similar to being punched in the gut. I remembered that in another life I’d dreamed of Jimmy Logan looking at me with a smile, but right now the only thing I felt was panic, so I decided to get the hell out of there before Mellie noticed me and I’d have to be part of a very awkward conversation.

But luck definitely wasn’t on my side today, because the little girl started running towards me yelling ‘Miss’ at the top of her lungs. Oh, now I recognized her: she was the pageant girl. Really smart kid, very bubbly and friendly, talked my ear off during the college tour. Her favourite subject was, of course, pageants.

“Hi!” I said, when she stopped in front of me, grinning from ear to ear. “You must be… uhhh… uhhhh.” Crap. I had been calling her pageant girl in my head for so long that I’d forgotten her name.

“Sadie!” she helpfully reminded me.

“Sadie, right. How are you today?”

“Good. Daddy brought me to the fair to see the auctioneers. And later uncle Clyde will win me a unicorn.” I did my best not to steal a glance at Clyde at the mention of his name, not wanting to invite any more attention towards me. Hopefully I’d be able to get out of here before the adults ganged up on me.

“Awesome!” I said, panic clearly noticeable in my voice, because Jimmy Logan was rapidly approaching (despite his visible limp) with Mellie following closely. “It was nice seeing you today, Sadie, but I have to go now. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for your unicorn.”

“Aw, leaving already?” She looked genuinely sad and I felt bad for her, but I felt even worse for myself, so I had to go.

“Yeah, leaving already? Without even saying hello?” Jimmy caught up to us before I was able to disappear, so I put on my most believable fake smile and hoped for the best. “Come on, don’t be a stranger, Baby,” he said, pulling me into a hug.

“Well, I kinda thought I was,” I mumbled, but returned the hug. He seemed like a nice person, plus I’d held him on a pedestal for so many years that I could indulge in a hug.

“Daddy, why are you calling her baby?” Sadie aske, giggling.

“Cause that’s her nickname,” he said, ruffling her hair. He explained to her that I’d been called baby ever since I was little, but she had to be polite and call me by my real name. The kid giggled again and I mouthed ‘I hate it’ which made her laugh harder, before turning to face her dad once again.

“I am surprised you know that. I lived under the impression that you had no idea who I was,” I said, going to hug his sister. “Hi Mellie, long time no see.” In hindsight, I should have kept my mouth shut and pretended we were at least acquaintances. And although I knew it could be interpreted that way, I wasn’t bitter that he never acknowledged me in my teens—after all, it was just puppy love and it had been a decade since then—but I was curious what had prompted this sudden display of familiarity. If anything, I would have expected Mellie to come alone to say hi.

“Hiya, sweetheart. It’s good to have you back.” She warmly returned my hug.

“What do you mean I had no idea who you were? You’ve been coming to my games since you were twelve and cheered louder than the whole cheerleading squad.” That was true. “How could I not know my biggest fan?”

“So you what, ignored me on purpose?” I said, arching an eyebrow.

“Well, it’s not like I did it on purpose,” he said and laughed. His laugh was still the same as I remembered, loud and contagious. “But my brother here had the biggest crush on you and I just didn’t wanna make him more jealous.” Well, this was unexpected.

Clyde had conveniently stayed out of my line of sight, keeping his distance, but now I turned to look at him. Never in my life had I seen anyone blush so furiously in a matter of seconds, his whole face even his ears becoming a deep shade of red. He was glaring at Jimmy who seemed really unfazed by it.

“Is that so?” I pressed, feigning innocence, but deep inside me there was a little devil laughing maniacally. I mean, I was aware that it wasn’t very nice of me, but I was feeling a tiny bit of petty satisfaction knowing that I wasn’t the only one embarassed by the whole situation. Misery loves company.

“Yeah, he only ever came to my games to see you cheer,” Jimmy said, same shit eating grin plastered on his face, seeming completely oblivious to his brother’s discomfort.

I smiled back but wonder what Jimmy’s motive was. Talking to me out of the blue, after never acknowledging me before, snitching on his brother in a matter of seconds. I knew he was insanely loyal to his family, so why sell him now?

On the whole, the situation was beyond comical. Jimmy was grinning, Clyde seemed set on killing him with a glare, Sadie attached to his arm again asking ‘Is that true, uncle Clyde’ over and over again until he finally mumbled something that sounded like ‘It was a long time ago’. He looked at me like a deer (or a moose) caught in the headlights and I could feel my own cheeks burning. I was in hell.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me about this?” I asked Mellie, who stood next to me, arms crossed and an amused smile playing on her face.

“‘Cause he’s a bit of a coward and you were infatuated with my other brother,” she kindly explained.

“Right.” Made sense. I still felt like something that I should have known about back then— who knows, I might have liked him back—or you know, forever hold your silence type of thing. But knowing this now explained a lot of things.

Now that the petty satisfaction that I had felt for embarrassing him had died down a little bit, I understood why Clyde rejected me and didn’t seem to react to my flirting. If someone I had been crushing on in my teens showed up on day, insulted me or trampled on my insecurities then tried flirting with me I would have been much less gracious in rejecting them than Clyde had been. Yes, it had been more than a decade since highschool, and I was pretty sure his crush on me was dead and buried (like the one I used to have on Jimmy), but it was something that could potentially still hurt after years. So once again I was flooded by guilt.

“Well, it was… uhh… fun meeting you guys, but I have to head back now,” I said, getting ready to bail. Enough embarrassment for a day. Served me right for wanting to get out of the safety of my home. Never again.

“Come on, we’ve just met and you wanna leave already?” Mellie said with a disappointed look on her face.

“It’s not that, I just have some things to do at home,” I tried excusing myself. “Give me your phone number and we can hang out another time,” I said fishing my phone out of my pocket.

“The things will still be there tomorrow, but you’re never getting back today,” Jimmy said with a wink.

“Wow, who knew my brother was a philosopher,” Mellie arched an eyebrow at him. I laughed.

“Please, Miss,” Sadie latched onto my hand, pulling me towards the booths. “Daddy said I’ll get to be your guide today, show you around the fair. Pleaaase.” How could you say no to a kid? Big-eyed, freckled, and more full of life than I’d ever been.

I looked over to Clyde who had returned to a somewhat normal shade, although there was still some pink tinting his cheeks. He still seemed highly uncomfortable about this whole thing, his whole body looking tense. I tried imagining what he felt: a week ago he was living a (supposedly) peaceful life and then Baby was back in town and he’d been insulted, hit on and then embarrassed by his brother in front of his family. If I’d been in his place, I would have faked my death and left the country by now.

“I don’t think I should…” I said, hoping that at least one of the siblings would take the hint and leave it be.

“Nonsense!” Jimmy proclaimed, patting me on the shoulder and nudging me towards Sadie. “Come stay with us a while and I promise you’ll have plenty of time to do whatever you were planning on doing.”

“Are you willing to help out?”

“If that’s what it takes…”

I snorted. “Half an hour then I’m gone,” I said, following them towards the booths. I send Clyde an apologetic look, hopefully he wouldn’t be bothered too much by my presence for the next half an hour. He seemed to have regained his composure and was following us closely.

Sadie was still holding my hand as we were mingling into the crowd of people staring at the attractions. She diligently explained to me what everything was, like it was my first time going to a country fair. It was entertaining to watch. She was a really cute kid and honestly, after so many days of self-imposed isolation, it was nice to interact with people in my free time.

“So, how’s it like being back in your hometown again?” Mellie asked, once Sadie ran over to her dad.

“Nice, peaceful.” Or that’s how it should have been, if I’d been a little smarter. “But it’s gonna take a bit of getting used to. It’s definitely keeping me busy. My roof just started leaking, something I never thought I’d have to experience, but hooray for adult life,” I laughed.

“Did you get it fixed?” she asked, a little concerned.

“No, not yet. Called a couple of contractors, but they didn’t have any opening this month.” I sighed. “I don’t have that many contacts in the area, but I’ll keep looking and hope there won’t be rain anytime soon.”

“That sucks,” she said and turned to her brother. “Hey Jimmy,” she yelled, “do you know anyone who can fix a roof?”

“What happened to it?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, truthfully. “It’s just raining into my living room.”

“I can come take a look when I’m free. If it’s not something big I can fix it for you.” He offered.

“Thanks, but…” Was I stupid enough to refuse? Yes.

“You don’t trust my skills?”

“Oh, I do, but I don’t want you to waste your free time fixing my leaky roof.” It wasn’t just that. I generally preferred to work with people I didn’t know, who were paid to do a job and with who I could argue at the end if the job wasn’t done properly. With friends and family, you just accept what you get, smile and then pay someone else to fix it later. Plus, if they refused payment, you’d have to find a way to make it up to them which meant more complications. And in this particular case I knew I shouldn’t be spending more time with Clyde or his family if I wanted my unrequited crush to die anytime soon. But how do I tell Jimmy that, when he seemed so eager to help?

“It’s no problem. I’ll take a look and if it’s something I can’t do, I’ll put you in touch with some people. When are you free?”

“Not sure, my schedule isn’t fully decided yet.”

“Then give me a call and we’ll see what works for the both of us. Clyde gimme your phone.” That earned him a frown from his brother.

“Why? What happened to your phone?” he said on what I guessed was a rather disapproving tone, but handed him the phone nonetheless.

“It’s broken.”

“He forgot to pay for it,” Sadie explained with a giggle.

“I didn’t forget, I’m not paying it in sign of protests to the shitty plan they forced down my throat,” he muttered. “Anyway, what’s your number?”

He punched in the number and gave me a call. I typed the name Clyde but then changed my mind and saved it as ‘Logan Bros’. Clyde never really wanted my number, so it was just a way for me to get in touch with Jimmy if I needed help. I decided to never call it unless the roof caught fire and I was trapped underneath.

The phone went back to Clyde and I saw him fiddle with it a bit, probably saving the number. I wondered what he saved me as. Probably used my real name, since I’d never heard him call me Baby. Although for some strange reason, I wouldn’t have minded even if he did. No matter how much I hated the nickname, I was sure I’d very much enjoy it if he moaned it in my ear as he pulled me closer to his chest and… stop. Restrain yourself, woman.

Sadie kept her promise and was a very good guide, which meant I was now very well acquainted with everything at the country fair. Jimmy had bought us corn dogs and cheesy fries and donuts and refused to let me pay for anything, so I retaliated by buying everyone snow cones and funnel cake. By the time we reached the shooting galleries, I was so full I was ready to burst.

As Sadie was searching the booths for the toy she wanted I bought a bottle of water, hoping to wash away the nausea caused by all that deep fried food I had shoved down my throat earlier. Seeing that Clyde had fallen behind and we could finally be alone for a bit, I decided to go and talk to him.

“Sorry for crashing your family outing,” I said, standing besides him as we both watched Sadie’s quest to find the best toy. “It wasn’t my intention.”

“It’s alright” he said, briefly glancing at me. “I have to apologize for how my brother acted today. I guess he’s just excited that you’re back in town. He doesn’t have that many friends.”

I had to admit that Jimmy Logan being lonely and not surrounded by hordes of friends was something that I would have never imagined. But I could see it now, after all we were both in the same position: two formerly popular kids that had fallen from grace and were now regular nobodies. Most friendships we made in our teens weren’t the kind that lasted a lifetime.

“I’m actually really enjoying this,” I said, trying to open the water bottle and failing. My hands were still very greasy from all that deep fried food. “But don’t tell anyone or I have a feeling I might get friend-dopted by your family and you’ll never get rid of me,” I said with a wink, to which he smiled. An actual smile. Directed at me.

“Lemme help you with that,” he said, noticing my pathetic attempt at opening the bottle. He held it under his left arm, effortlessly unscrewing the cap.

“I’m completely useless” I mumbled retrieving the bottle, and he chuckled.

In the meantime Sadie seemed to have found what she was looking for and dragged both Clyde and me towards one of the booths. She showed him what he wanted and after paying he was given a shabby airgun. I don’t think I’d ever seen anyone look at a rifle with more contempt in their eyes. I was certain he was used to a different type of guns, especially since he had been in the military.

“Piece of crap,” he mumbled, to no one in particular, disgust clear in his voice.

“Welcome to the glamorous world of carnivals, Mr. Logan,” I laughed.

He shot me a dirty look and aimed. He missed the first two targets, but got the other three. It was still quite impressive, I was sure the only thing I’d be able to hit with any rifle would be my foot, especially since everyone knows the games are rigged and the guns aim screwed on purpose. He paid for another round and I kept my fingers crossed. Sadie had climbed onto her father’s shoulders and was cheering from above.

This time he got the first target with very little effort. And the second one. And the third. By the fourth I was probably as excited as Sadie, although a little less vocal. The fifth target came down just as effortlessly as the others and both Sadie and I cheered loudly. The vendor faked excitement and handed him the toy, making a bit of a spectacle to attract other customers. ‘Look everybody, you can win even with one arm!’ he bragged, and I hated him already, but Clyde didn’t even seem to notice.

“Which one do you want?” he asked Mellie, after giving Sadie her toy.

“One of those,” she said, pointing to a bunch of little plushies that could be hanged on the rearview mirror.

“Alright,” he said, and paid for another round. This time, it seemed like he didn’t even have to aim. He just pointed the rifle and the targets went down one after another, to the vendor’s increased irritation and to my delight.

Clyde gave the toy to his sister who thanked him with a kiss on the cheek, then turned to me. “Which one do you want?”

“Me?” I said, taken by surprise. “You want to get me one too?”

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#clyde logan #clyde logan x reader #clyde logan x oc #logan lucky #clyde logan fanfictio

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serrj215 · 7 years

Text

The Imp, the Spirit and the FTP Server.

Reading was always one of Raven's passions. In fact, for much of her life reading was one of the only things she was ever allowed to do other than meditate. When she came to earth one of the blessings she cherished were the huge libraries. The easy access to knowledge and stories. She often thought that when she read she added to herself, new ideas and tastes of emotions she could not risk trying to feel for herself.

The passion for the written word was the reason why she was sitting in front of Beast Boys unattended laptop. Raven never had much use for the internet. It was all 'misspelled noise' She told Starfire once when she found the 'Wonderful book of facing’ and started begging her to join. Yet the blocks of neat text on the screen caught her eye. But this was Beast Boy this was most likely a video game guide or some other waste of perfectly good words.

When she started reading, Raven couldn’t be more surprised. She couldn't look away, the words just pulled her in so easily. The browser was opened to a writing site and a large collection by an author called GML. Several dozen short but captivating stories. Before she knew it, she finished the first story and was onto the next one, then the next. Each one pulled at her in a different way.

One was a sad and morose tale of a lost friend, what the main character should have said to save her. Another about exploring an alien world with an older brother. Raven read one that nearly brought her to tears, and the next one made her feel as bright as morning. They were like eating peanuts, she had read six stories before she heard Beast Boy bellow "Hey Dudes! Anyone see my PC?!"

She had no idea what she was thinking, but by the time Beast Boy had come into the common room. His laptop was closed, Raven was sitting in a lotus position chanting, and a link to the site was in her e-mail.

"There you are Lappy!" Beast Boy exclaimed scooped up the device.

"You named your laptop?" Raven asked one eye opened?

"This is not just a laptop! Its Lappy! connector to Social Networks and lord of Farmville!" He declared proudly holding the computer up as it held ultimate power.

"Please take your porn gateway and leave me alone" Raven closed her eyes and resumed her chanting.

"Raven?"

"What?"

"You can get porn on the Internet? Please tell me more?" He asked with fake enthusiasm and his eyebrows dancing for emphasis.

"You know what you can also get on the internet? Obituaries." a sharpness lining her voice.

"Well I am leaving, you are a bad influence on my computer. Come along Lappy." Best Boy turned away petting the laptop like it was a loyal puppy.

It was nearly 1:00 am and Raven found herself using one of the ops room computers. The hardest part was remembering her email password. She dived right back into the collection of GML and soon she was lost in the words. The stories were just short enough to keep her wanting more and the characters seemed so familiar. They must have been borrowed from other stories she had read, or modeled after historic figures but for some reason she couldn’t place them, even though everything they did or said fell into place in her mind like puzzle pieces.

There were several stories about a forest Imp trying to impress a beautiful moon Spirit. The Imp was full of life and humor. Willing to go out of his way doing to most ridiculous things just trying to make the Spirit smile. The Spirit was described as elegant and ethereal, yet so cold would reject the Imp every time. It was heartbreaking to see the Imp get rejected again and again but he loved her, he would keep coming back for more.

It was 3 am before she was finished with all the stories. Ravens eyes burned from staring at the screen. She made her way to the couch to lay down and let the words of GML play in her mind. Sleep claimed her.

The next morning, she woke up to the clicking of the keyboard Beast Boy was sitting at the terminal she was using the night before. She did remember to log out, didn’t she?

He swiveled in the chair to face her their eyes met and he wore a smile that chilled her. "You know you favorited all of them, but the one about the finding the magic dog. What was wrong with that one?"

She was on her feet instantly and rage was front and center. Beast Boy was very close to a long vacation someplace very hot. At least he was till "I am glad you like my work" fell from his lips.

She froze. His work. HIS WORK.

"Your work?" the words came out weekly with almost a squeaking sound she was not aware she could make.

"G. M. L. Garfield. Mark. Logan.” He said slowly spinning in the chair. “You really didn’t think I would sign anything on the internet 'Beast Boy'? Robin would love that!"

Her mind ran back to what she read the night before. The stories started to line up to missions and battles they all fought. She started recognizing the others from the stories, and she recognized herself.

A moment ago, she was ready to destroy him for violating her privacy, only to find out that in a very weird way that she violated Beast Boys. The stories might have been on the internet for the world to see but no one knew that the characters were real.

A chunk of ice started forming in the base of her throat and starting to spread into her chest. She thought that some of the things that the Moon spirit had done and said were so callous, so hurtful. It put new light on the things that she had said to him over the years.

"You really wrote all of that?" she asked not knowing what else to say but needed to fill silence.

"We all got stuff to deal with.” He leaned back in the chair and started examining the ceiling. “You meditate, I do this." With a swing of his legs he stood up to face her. "I tried a journal, Rita said it would help, but it was easier to turn my life into a story. Then I thought why not share it. "

"Those are all our missions"

"The more interesting ones, with a little artistic license”

"Do you really see me like that?"

"Like what?" he asked quietly, carefully, knowing exactly what she meant but not sure if he wanted to hear the answer. He knew what he wrote, it wasn’t meant to hurt her, but she had hurt him many times.

"Am I really that cold?”

“Rae, I see the Moon Spirit as beautiful, lonely, isolated and unique, and that’s why the Imp loves her. I see you as someone I don’t get, but I can’t let you go. You keep bouncing around my head. "

“Her image stayed with him, in dreams, in passing glances and would wonder into his mind if it was left idle” She said quoting one of the last stories she read.

“It took me 2 hours to come up with that line. Spent most of it banging my head against a wall.” He looked away putting his hands in his pockets.

"Is the Moon spirit ever going to give the Imp a Chance?"

"You tell me, but the Imp isn't going to give up. That boy is a glutton for punishment." The words broke his mouth into a smile.

"Does the Imp want to go for a walk?"

"I would love too, let me go get Lappy"

First thing I have written in so long. Actually I wrote most of this last year but never was able to get past the rough spots till now. I have been in a funk lately but writing is not going to get any easier if I don’t do it. I have so many drafts and half finished things. New ideas come but sometimes the scariest thing in the world is a blank screen. So this one went a little meta, but who doesn't love the idea that Beast Boy might also write fan-fiction?

#bbrae #bbrae fanfiction #Serrj215 Original

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missallycat · 7 years

Text

I don’t like Jess for Rory

and neither does Rory actually… if you think about it

This has been a long time coming and I always was asked to explain why I dislike Jess, for Rory. I don’t hate Jess, as a character I think his backgrounds are interesting and his lashing out understandable because of it. As a teacher I feel for the past they recreate in that character, and his troubles because IRL I know men who have a similar background history. But that doesn’t mean I have to like him… much less believe even in the slighest he’s “the best choice” for Rory or “the only one who truly understands her”. Sorry no, my one and only choice for Rory will always be Logan, why? Because to me if you watch the show and the revival is clear as day who she chooses to be with, and who she turns to. Each and every time regardless on how many times they say goodbye.

I don’t like Jess because he first arrived and was totally not just disrespectful but downright insulting to Lorelai, (honestly the pie comments were far too wholesome I would have slapped his rude mouth and tossed him out). He was a guest in her house and he basically called her a whore because she was talking kindly about her friend.

He’s rude to Luke and I get it, he’s angry he’s upset to be sent like a package by a mother who is the only parent he has, who can’t control him and doesn’t want to deal with him because she doesn’t know how to be a parent, but at the same time loved him enough to want to do better for him because she knows she can't succeed, so sends him to the one person she KNOWS AND TRUSTS who might make a difference with him, the one person who always helps her. If she didn't care for her son she would have let him be whatever, let him get in trouble, let him end up in jail or worse who knows, but she loved her son enough to want to do something for him that she knew was beyond her. So she sends him away, and I get it, he arrives like a package without a choice, to this little weird town where he doesn’t know anyone or understands if he suddenly landed in a loony bin or in an alien planet (I mean I feel for the guy, he goes out and sees people hanging garlands and little kids doing cartweels and suddenly a mother and daughter wearing THE SAME ONESIE! I mean WTF??! lol I understand his dismay, I do! Lol). I get it and I feel for him, however I don’t find it an excuse and carte blanche for him to be rude to everyone and treat the entire world as if they were beneath him nor I give him the pass for being the crappiest boyfriend to Rory, those things don’t excuse him. However I simply don’t like him FOR Rory because Rory doesn’t like him for Rory.

Most of Jess’ growth is assumed and not seen, I think is fantastic he lost the MASSIVE chip on his shoulder and started taking responsibility for his life and wrote a book, however we have no clue of what his personal life, because we barely see anything of that when he reappears, and why? Because the writers didn’t consider him that relevant to the show, or maybe he wasn’t that interested but still point is he wasn’t that relevant to the story. He had already been written out and the writers didn’t consider relevant to the story to know Jess’ personal life and backgrounds from the time he wasn’t around, because he was no longer important as any more than to make an effect then be on his way.

Dean, before leaving, had a background and a story, when he came back in the revival too, Logan had a story, he was seen in his many wrongs and in his growth and most of all and I can’t emphasize this enough: His RESPECT for Rory’s will. Say what you want about the situation and whatever Logan’s mistakes have been and whatever Rory AND Logan’s mistakes have been. He was always upfront and clear with Rory from day 1 onwards, he’s still waiting for her but at the same time he’s not hiding anything from her. And while neither of the boyfriends were perfect ever, far, far from it, Jess takes the prize (of the worst one) because he was by far the most disrespectful one and the one who, in the limited time, treated Rory the worst. And present tense (and past) Rory rejected him flat out multiple times in the original show:

1. The infamous Keg! Max! Incident. We will dwell on that one later on but for now let’s just get to the gist. She said wait, she said no, and he kept going. And if you are of the argument that her protests were too feeble and that’s why he kept going thinking she was game, or that because she went up there she was game, then please grab the nearest brick before I can and throw it at you. No means NO, paraphrasing Paris, “male, female or hermaphrodite” no means no, period.

2. The silent phone call after Chilton graduation: She kept getting hang ups so she finally understands it must be Jess because as usual he doesn’t willingly comunicate so she uses the the chance in order to say her goodbyes. Rejection number 2: “…that’s it for me. I’m going to Europe tomorrow and I’m going to Yale and I’m moving on. And I’m not going to pine. I hope you didn’t think I was going to pine, okay? I think…I think I may have loved you, but I just need to let it go. So, that’s it, I guess.” She wanted him there but since he had yet again failed she decided the only thing left to do was move on. Once Rory makes up her mind about things, she stays headstrong until the end.

Let’s not forget this is the swell boyfriend that after making her feel bad for not sleeping with him (no, it wasn’t his intention but that’s what happened) he went to explain but instead saw her talking to another guy, got jealous, made a snide remark got in a fight and wouldn’t talk to her at all, until she happened to find him in the same bus by chance. Why by chance, you say? Because he admitted taking a later bus. So he wouldn’t have to face her and say goodbye. Left without explanations and then kept calling and hanging up on her because he couldn’t even get the nerve to ask for forgiveness. ("Ghosting, because I'd rather at once show you I'm an asshole than slowly let you know that I suck")

3. When he tried to get her out of Yale, “come with me let’s start over but away from this place we’ll go to New York, we’ll live together we’ll work”, she said no, he said “only say no if you really don’t want to be with me” and she said, guess what? NO. I get it he was desperate because he was finally owning up to his feelings of loving her and he wanted her to go with him there and then because he felt his window of oportunity was shutting down if it wasn’t shut already so he went and he pushed and pushed until he got a firm and loud NO.

And let’s dwell on this for a bit. People say Jess was the only one who really understood how much she loved college, because he really loved her… How is a guy who pretty much proposed her to drop out of college the one and only who truly understands her love for studying? He showed up out of nowhere after once again leaving (not forgetting his previous pop up where he said he loved her and bolted) with no contact at all nor any explanations about his behavior (season 4) and to come get away, run away with him to New York, to what? Oh that’s right to live in a filthy mattress with view to the mold (Luke’s words and let’s face it, the truth) in a crappy apartment with 10 other people. He didn’t ask her to leave to go on a vacation he proposed to live and work in NY. With no qualifications, a Rory who had been trained for nothing in the real world. Who hadn’t even worked in a store yet ever before. What would she have done? Hmm waitressing in NY, probably a messenger too, with crappy hours and crappy pay until she got bored of the boho life (which was never her style to begin with) and went back to Lorelai and back to where? Ah that’s right the place Jess was demanding she dropped off.

4. Season 6 comes, (after the yelling, we’ll get back to it, don’t you worry) after an entire season without him and we find Rory in a fight with Logan. When she went to his open house she was mad at Logan yet she didn’t want Jess, she wanted to use him, she told him she loved Logan. Plain and simple.

Let’s go back for a sec to a moment before in season 6. Him getting credit for getting her back to Yale, I’m sorry but to me is ridiculous. To make him look like the knight in shining armor the one and only who saved her is, to me, just plain ridiculous and also underestimates and insults Rory. He came, yelled, she was already shaken and thinking what am I doing, she sees this guy who had nothing and had accomplished something big professionally and since she was ALREADY shaken she got shaken a bit more and made her choice to go back. I’m not saying he was useless, neither am I saying he didn’t have any influence, he did but it was his presence and what he had accomplished while she had nothing in the works (by her own choice) and he was the last drop that spilled her glass that was already brimming. She was already headed that way. It was HER CHOICE, nobody MADE her go back, Rory may be indecisive so many times and insecure but when it comes to her own life, in the nitty gritty she’s nobody’s pushover. Lorelai knew, Logan knew, Lane knew, SHE.COULDN’T.BE.FORCED. Rory needed to decide on her own, she needed to learn from her OWN mistakes and make her own choices to find her way back. Had Jess come to shout earlier in her path he wouldn’t have made a single difference; He comes out of nowhere and with no previous contact whatsoever, shouts or gives an idea then disappears again. He left her without so much as a goodbye (after the yelling) or actually breaking up (when he first left town) with her. And this is the guy who KNOWS her best? Someone who she doesn’t talk to in years at the time? hmmm…

5. Revival, they talk like old friends who haven’t seen or known of each other for quite a while (YEARS actually hmmm interesting friendship when they haven’t known of each other at all for years) yet she doesn’t share that much with him not even her difficulties while writing. Is a good conversation, is fun and I personally was so happy to see him for the first time EVER, I was so happy to see Jess, he seemed calmer, he seemed in a better place, more grounded, he genuinely tried to give his best advice as someone who was involved in a similar field of work.

But here’s the thing… Why is his growth made SUCH A BIG DEAL? So he grew up! Was he expected to still be a sulky bratty disrespectful punk of a teenage boy at age 32, 33?? Wouldn’t that be sad? If a grown ass MAN was still acting like a resentful teenage BOY? I would feel so sad and it would feel so unrealistic for a human being with a minimum level of intelligence (and Jess has a good level of it) to NOT grow u and leave the ‘tude behind? It would be dumb if he didn’t, is only NATURAL for him to change and grow up, why shouldn’t he? Or are the expectations for his character so PAINFULLY low from his own adoring fans that they expected no change in him from ages 19, 20 to ages 32, 33? Did they really except him to still be the same and that’s why his growth is so highlighted when it should be a natural thing? He was supposed to stop being a sulky disrespectful child at some point. What else do we know about him? Is there a mention of him having a successful relationship with anyone in all these years? Or even a semi committed relationship that in the end just parted ways? Is there any mention of him having had that? No. Because it wasn’t relevant because we don’t have to know if he is in a better place in the romantic world, because (and I can’t stress this enough: HE 👏 ISN’T 👏 A 👏 ROMANTIC 👏 INTEREST 👏 FOR RORY 👏. ASP said it best, Jess and Dean were not meant to be forever. (even though she compared Dean to prince Charming and she said Jess is now family).

So back to the revival conversation (notice how she does not hug her friend even though she hasn’t seen him for years? She doesn’t even come near him, yet she hugs plenty of other people she hasn’t seen in a while) He suggests out of the blue: a book. Why? “he knows her better than anyone!” I hear you say. Sorry, no. He knows Rory as well as anyone who knows Rory. In the words of Dean “A book. Well, you’ve read them all, what’s next is writing them”. He gives a good idea, spends a couple of minutes talking to her, then goes his way, as usual because why not? He’s got his life, he’s got his stuff, he’s always in the moment kind of guy. Is not that he doesn’t feel love (Milo’s words) but is not the romantic love anymore. Rory is Rory she’s in her own world, lost at the moment but finding her path again enthusiastic about the new idea given by Jess. She tells Logan all about it and about her struggles in the meantime, and goes to Logan when she can’t understand her mom and is fighting with her, she tells Lane about it, she meets Dean by chance and HUGS Dean, and tells him about it while thanking him about being such a fantastic first boyfriend for her. And Jess… she jumps up and down excitedly without showing her author friend her pages, and grabbing the front of his shirt and his jacket… why? because he happened to be there.

Now, having finished with the plain and clear rejections. Let’s go back to the first one.

Keg! Max! Makes me mad for many reasons the main one being that she had to PUSH HIM OFF OF HER for him to react. I am completely, 100% sure he wasn’t going to rape her or even hurt her. I’m sure that wasn’t the intention nor the purpose EVER, but the fact he needed to be pushed is what makes me mad and is inexcusable. She was trying to find out what was wrong with him because she was worried, but since he didn’t want to talk he tried to distract her by kissing her and lowering her on the bed to carry with the next “order of business” as a way to shut her up.

I get it, teens and hormones (although 18, not really THAT excused) but I’m not saying he needed to jump away from her the very second she said wait, he could have kissed her and ASKED what was wrong; he didn’t need to jump, just pause without having to be pushed! He yelled at her and that also makes me mad. I also understand he was frustrated about other things and took it out on her, that the yelling wasn’t really about that and that he felt bad for saying it and was planning to perhaps distract her say it wasn’t his intention or that he’d do better next time, because let’s face it, did he ever actually explain anything owned up to his mistakes? Did he ever apologize for anything, that we see during his time? He’d distract her, try his best to make up but that’s the point he just NEVER talked, (”I don’t know why he was mad at me I don’t know IF he was mad at me because he NEVER tells me anything” Rory’s words). He was just plain rude (rude to her grandma too but let’s not dwell on that) because in his mind actually doing something nice for his girlfriend, and actually communicate with his girlfriend made him a pushover.

The fight with Dean I actually understand, because if I came out of a room crying because of a fight with a guy and guy then showed up behind me annoyed (annoyed! He actually scoffed!), I have a good number of friends who would want his head, metaphorically speaking of course, even now as an adult. I get he didn’t yell really because she wouldn’t sleep with him but what really pisses me off is that he had to be pushed to react and move (his intention wasn’t to force her because he could have easily done that) then yelled and had the gall to be annoyed and afterwards radio silence, no apology no explanation he simply left and if they hadn’t seen each other by chance she wouldn’t have even seen him that time because he purposely took a later bus.

The Keg! Max! scene in Kyle’s bedroom is inexcusable and there is no coming back from it period, in my opinion, because how can you trust someone who never explains or apologizes and you never know why things happen with him or what is he going through.

I don’t think Jess is bad nor that he ever had bad intentions towards Rory, I’m 100% convinced that’s not the case. But he IS a bad boyfriend and that scene is so uncomfortable to me even though I had never had a similar experience and it makes me so mad every time I force myself to rewatch it to make sure I’m not judging too hard. I’m not. Jess wasn’t even a hormone filled teen here. He was 18. He didn’t want to have a conversation and tried to use sex as a distraction, as something interesting to make it happen, both to forget about his problems and get Rory to stop talking and questioning what happened.

Why is Rory blamed for “forcing” him to talk and he isn’t for trying to force her to have sex with him? That’s what ended up happening. It wasn’t his intention or his plan, absolutely, granted; he did back off, granted; he never meant to hurt her, totally granted. Thing is he wasn’t a hormone riddled 15 year old (and even then, how about RESPECT someone who you apparently like? Never mind he wasn’t taught better, is common sense you don’t push your wants on someone who doesn’t want them, I like this person then I don’t want this person to feel bad because of me), he was a tad older and one would expect a bit smarter, and he knew this would be Rory’s first time but he didn’t ask her to consent, he didn’t pause to make sure she wanted that, to make sure she agreed or was comfortable, in fact he didn’t really care at first when she started to show being uncomfortable. He didn’t ask if she was OK. Instead, he was only caring about himself. He didn’t even wait to ask her how she was feeling, actually he wasn’t very interested in that… and this wasn’t a random teen at a party, this was supposed to be her boyfriend, and in the words of people of Team Jess, the one who loved her and understood her… yet she had to push him off and he still didn’t care about her comfort level he snapped at her berating her why did she come there that he didn’t force her, so on top of pushing he made her feel like crap in what was almost her first time.

Now, on adult, revival Jess:

I like that later on when he shows up, seems to have dropped most of the ‘tude but what happens in his personal life we don’t have a clue and we see a Rory who, rejects him flat out (season 4), basically says she regrets leaving Dean for him (same season), uses him and tells him she loves someone else (season 6) and hasn’t had contact with him in years and barely tells him much about her writing or personal issues when they talk, doesn’t show him her pages (hello, he’s a writer why not discuss that with him?) and then barely grabs his sleeve and the front of his t-shirt when she’s happy jumping excitedly around him (may I add, the jumping happily is not ABOUT him? He just happened to be there), yet she doesn’t hug her supposed friend at all in any point? (revival) Rory doesn’t want Jess for Rory from what is shown, doesn’t she deserve the chance to be with the one she obviously chooses? And honestly, in my opinion, Jess deserves better than to apparently pine away after 10 years for a girl who doesn’t show any interest in him. So no, I’m not team Jess for Rory because Rory isn’t team Jess for Rory. And I’m damn glad, Milo seems to be of the same opinion and so it would appears, are the writers.

Just:

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limejuicer1862 · 5 years

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Wombwell Rainbow Interviews

I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me. I gave the writers two options: an emailed list of questions or a more fluid interview via messenger.

The usual ground is covered about motivation, daily routines and work ethic, but some surprises too. Some of these poets you may know, others may be new to you. I hope you enjoy the experience as much as I do.

Anthony Wilson

a lecturer, poet and writing tutor. He works in teacher and medical education at the University of Exeter. His anthology Lifesaving Poems, based on the blog of the same name, is available from Bloodaxe Books. Love for Now, his memoir of cancer, is published by Impress Books. Deck Shoes, a book of prose memoir and criticism, and The Afterlife, his fifth book of poems, are available now from Impress Books and Worple Press.

The Interview

1. What were the circumstances under which you began to write poetry

I began writing poems because I was asked to at school. I was thirteen or so. I suppose this happens to a lot of people, but with me, I just carried on. It was homework, over the weekend, on the not very original topic of ‘Black’. My teacher Mr Borton liked what I wrote but scribbled at the bottom of it that I had spoiled quite an original poem with a rather clunky and obvious ending. Part of me thinks I am still trying to impress him. Part of me still thinks that I carried on writing poems to prove to him that future poems would be an improvement. From then on, all the poetry I wrote in my teens and as a young adult was in secret. It took me a very long time to show it to anyone, by which time I was in the final stages of an undergraduate degree at university.

2. Who introduced you to poetry?

My teachers. The aforementioned Mr Borton, Mrs Hooper and Mr Vickery. I owe them everything. We looked at John Logan’s The Picnic, McGough’s 40 Love, Dulce et Decorum Est, Ted Hughes’s animal poems, Pike and so on. The first Hughes poem I remember seeing was The Retired Colonel. Where I grew up, Northwood, on the very edge of Greater London, seemed full of them. I had even been taught by a few. That poem really knocked me over. I guess what they were doing was presenting to us language that was alive and somehow contemporary. As Seamus Heaney says in one of his essays, this literary but also very natural language began at this point to merge with the more informal poetic speech of my early childhood: hymns and Bible readings in church, my father’s Sunday lunchtime stories about Jennifer and Peter, his father’s terrible jokes at Sunday teatime, the football results on Saturday evenings, pop music and so on. I do think you need both kinds of language to get you going. Heaney, again, his idea of a ‘linguistic hardcore’ on which you build as you start to read and stretch your wings. As you get older, of course, you realise the reading part will never be complete. But the bedrock of your experience, that never vanishes. I consider myself extremely lucky to have had those experiences in my early life, and to have met that amazing set of teachers when I did.

3. How aware were you of the dominating presence of older poets?

From the moment I encountered Hughes, McGough, and Dylan Thomas (it was a very male curriculum, I am afraid to say) and the others, all the way up to A level, where I met Sylvia Plath and Hopkins, the presence of older poets has always been a mesmerising factor in what I might call my development. First as a kind of set of rules by which you play, obsessively copying, imitating and following, then as a set of elderly relations you know you have to see each Christmas but about whom you suddenly feel embarrassed. Because by then you have encountered other poets, other voices, other models, and the same cycle of imitation, obsession and rejection begins all over again. I feel as though I have now got to the stage in my life where I am holding a kind of permanent open house to whoever wants to come in. Sometimes I see Ted in the hallway, or cooking a fry up, as Peter Sansom would have it. We nod at each other. Sometimes I find Marie Howe unpacking her suitcases all over the place. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don’t. You never know who is going to turn up. Jaan Kaplinski was round the other day. We sat under the apple tree, then it started raining.

4. What is your daily writing routine?

My writing routine isn’t really one. I do morning pages, a la Julia Cameron, first thing in the morning while the bath runs, a couple of pages of nonsense, then on with the day. I carry a small notebook around with me, into which go lists, prompts, ideas, quotes and yet more lists. I seem to be in quite a list phase at the moment. I write poems and essays and blogs and other bits and pieces -I don’t really know what to call them- at the end of the day, when the emails and the other necessary business of teaching, meeting, visiting students and feeding back to them has been done. This will be in the second golden hour of the day, late afternoon, just before cooking needs to happen and my family come home from their days. I think of it as writing in the cracks, between other things. Ann Sansom once told me that tiredness is a great state to be writing in, as it cuts through your rational, editorial defences. You tend to go for the jugular more.

5. What motivates you to write?

Being a human being.

6. What is your work ethic?

I am really prolific and scandalously lazy at the same time. I sometimes go months without writing a word. Then splurge endlessly for several weeks.

7. How do the writers you read when you were young influence you today?

As I say above, I like to think of myself being on nodding terms with them. Having said that, it has been a long time since Sylvia came round for a cup of tea, not to mention Eliot. I’ve been thinking of having another go at The Four Quartets again recently, perhaps I should? The problem of getting older and losing your first love of poetry, is that you can see the strategies that people use a little more clearly, and that can get repetitive, which can lead to cynicism. When you are young and have not encountered Theodore Roethke before you are just running round the house going Wow, look at this, isn’t that incredible, how did he do that? I liken it to being in a band (which I was, for several years, with my brother). You practise and practise and practise and gig and gig and gig and everything is all about gobbling up every experience that comes your way. Now I am in my dotage, I find I can generate just as much electricity on much less material. A line of Tranströmer here, a phrase of Janet Fisher there.

8. Who of today’s writers do you admire the most and why?

The thing is, some of these very early influences, some of whom are dead, feel very alive and ‘today’ to me more than writers who are actually with us. For personal reasons I have come off social media this year. The advantage of this is that I now have much larger headspace than I did previously, and this is good for reading and writing. The disadvantage is that I miss just about everything. I couldn’t tell you who has been shortlisted for this or that prize for the last five years. I am just not interested. I find it inimical to getting any proper work done. I make up for this by paying attention to my team. I think everyone has a team (they might not admit it, but they do), and for me these are people I know personally or have worked with and who still inform my practice. People like Christopher Southgate, what an amazing poet he is. And a great human being, so generous and kind. I am on first name terms with all of them. People I see once a century, like Jean Sprackland or Cliff Yates. They teach me so much. Peter Sansom. I last saw him five years ago, and am still meditating on what he told me each day over breakfast.

9. Why do you write?

I think I have to, really. I don’t think it is a choice. (Except, of course, it is.) I don’t go along with the idea of having something to say. I write to find out what I want to say. For me it is about discovery. Things occur to me which I want to say which I would not have said had I not started writing. William Stafford said that, and he was right.

10. What would you say to someone who asked you “How do you become a writer?”

Read. Everything. And forget about having a ‘career’. ‘You make the thing because you love the thing/ and you love the thing because someone else loved it/ enough to make you love it.’ Thomas Lux.

11. Tell me about the writing projects you have on at the moment.

My big project at the moment is silence. Staying away from the news (you know what and you know who) enough to collect my thoughts together to be present enough to recognise and become aware of the promptings that might come my way. It is getting increasingly difficult to do this (see what I say above, about social media). Having just published two books I am determined not to spend the next three years moping and worrying about not having a project to work on. To counteract this, I have started several. Not all of them will come through. But that is not the point. The point is to keep going. That is how I judge success.

Anthony Wilson October, 2019

https://anthonywilsonpoetry.com/books/the-afterlife/

https://anthonywilsonpoetry.com/books/deck-shoes/

https://anthonywilsonpoetry.com

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews: Anthony Wilson Wombwell Rainbow Interviews I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me.

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asdfghjklasdf1019-blog · 7 years

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Rant

I'm a really shitty person and let me tell you why. When I was young and impressionable I started dating a boy. Said boy and I 'fell in love', hell we had our lives planned out. I was willing to sacrifice my need to travel and see the world for him, seeing as in my empty little head I thought it was ok for a boy to tell a girl how he wanted her to live. I was ok staying in Texas and pretending not to care that I had to hide the fact I am a feminist from him. I was okay abandoning my friends in order to make more time for him until gradually, he was my social life. I interacted with only him, who was at the time making me feel loved and wanted in a time I thought nobody else would. I was okay with the fact that he didn't tell anyone that I wasn't eating (after all, he's protecting me, right?) or that he'd be angry when I went to fix my relationship with my dad (who'd recently ran off with another woman) rather than go to his house. He was angry I wanted to join marching band and told me I wouldn't be good at it, (he wasn't, so how could I possibly be?) bc he knew it would mean I'd be around other people. He would be angry when I told him I'd rather talk than kiss, it seemed that's all he ever wanted. I was truly happy when we dated, and all that aside he really did care about me. Often I feel ungrateful seeing as the worst in people is generally more easy to recall. The issue is that I was never at my full potential for happiness. I was still a kid when we met, and when we ended he told me he didn't love me anymore. Can you blame me for ending it after that? Imagine realizing how dependent you are on someone, and when you try to fix it they tell you that you're different from who you used to be? Imagine the hurt from having that blame bounced back onto you again. I broke up with him after 2 years and 8 months of dating (for a 15 year old is a really long time) do I regret dating him? No. I've learned a lot about myself and what (and what not) to look for in a partner. I've learned what an unhealthily balanced relationship feels like. I've learned that it's ok to stand up for yourself, even if it means you think you'll never be loved by anyone. All that said, I'm not going to say I wasn't damaged emotionally. I knew Logan and I were over months before it happened, I'd done my crying and heart aching. That night i cried to mom if only to keep her from worrying about my mental wellness, seeing as it was easier than explaining the gut feeling I'd experienced much earlier. But along with the rejection of a failed relationship, My dad had left three months prior for a woman he had an adulterous relationship with, and my family was still picking up the pieces. I felt as if I didn't matter and that I wasn't important. I went through dating random boys, shallow and selfish boys who always had ulterior motives, to feel wanted. Despite the support from my mom and my closest friends, I was alone and recovery was slow. By August happiness was less of an effort and more natural. I felt normal, and normal was amazing. I laughed with my friends, goofed off at practice, ate regular meals, and allowed myself to experience life the way it's meant to be. When a particular blue eyed sweet heart walked into my life, I didn't argue. I'd fought so long to be happy, why would I fight against this gift? Even if I knew I didn't deserve him, I was going to cling to him and never let go. (Selfish, I know, but don't worry. After my story is told we can analyze how awful I am) I found out said boy and I were neighbors, and I knew life was giving me this opportunity for a reason. A relationship blossomed between us after a few months of tentative friendship, and a new kind of happiness I'd never known came to be. Life made sense when he was around, laughter came as easily as breathing, and I didn't care when my mouth ached from smiling. I still carefully maintained my freedom and found that he could openly grant it to me without feeling threatened. We talked for hours, about everything and anything, and the sound of his voice grew to be my favorite sound. I'm not saying my emotional issues magically disappeared. After all, love's magic doesn't work miracles. But he did something no one had ever done before, he opened his arms for me to cry against his shoulder and told me he'd be here no matter what. He showed me what the term "unconditional love" meant, and it changed my life. I went from breaking down at least once a week to less than once a month. I became the true happiest I've ever been in my life. What can I offer him? What can I do to influence his life? After all he's done for me and helped me to overcome, not once have I ever seen him cry. Not once have I ever been able to offer him emotional support on a bad day. Never have I been able to offer him the same sense of sanctuary he offers me. He's given so much and received so little from me. I don't know how to tell him how much he means to me in a way I think he'll comprehend. Reader, I doubt you even understand how important he is to me. He's my best friend and the only person who can make me smile with a single look. He's my adventure pal, and I can't wait to spend my life adventuring with him through the challenges adulthood presents. You may have read his and said, "her and Logan only broke up 7 months before you started dating!" Or "you're to young to know what love is." But reader, you're wrong. Thanks to him I know what real love is, in comparison to love out of necessity. Thanks to him I understand what it feels like to hold the love of your life and think, "I am the luckiest son of a bitch in the world." Fast forward to today Now, I'm not saying I've not done shitty stuff before. The whole point of this is the fact that I am a shitty person, and one situation won't decide a person's value. What I am saying is that today I think he realized just how shitty I am. And now I'm so selfishly scared that he's going to do what's best for him and leave me because of it. I'm getting ahead of myself, we'll get to the self loathing and analysis of everything soon. My point here is the great realization. Today he took a photo of me (a very unattractive one, not that I'm not used to them) and captioned it (jokingly) that I'm an ass. I understood the joke and tried to take the phone away while laughing. Exasperatedly, I meant to say his name. The name I said was Logan's. I hadn't even realized the blunder until he froze and I saw the hurt in his eyes. The hurt I'll never forget as long as I live. Later, after talking and discussing the situation, he's the one trying to comfort me. He's concerned about me hating myself and being upset with myself when I'm the one who fucked up. I fucked up and he's trying to comfort me. He went to his house for a little bit and I cried. I cried for a good while, trying to rationalize what I'd done. Then I cried while trying to tell myself that maybe this was for the best. Maybe he'd see that he deserved more than what he had and he'd leave. Then I cried because I didn't want him to leave. Cried because I knew that even if he gave up on me, I'd never be able to give up on him. The game I'd opened in hopes of playing remained untouched, in favor of this post I began writing through tears of self loathing and fear. And now he's here. He's back, initially we laid together after he returned. Afraid to touch him, I placed a hand questioningly on his side. (He was facing away from me) when he shied away after a moment, I felt my heart shatter. As I type this, there is a heavy coldness in my chest. I caused him so much hurt that he couldn't stand to be touched by me. He finally opened his eyes to the person I am and is repulsed. He doesn't want me. And I deserve it. I deserve him not wanting me bc I am the one who hurt him. I am the person who doesn't deserve love. And when I asked him, "do you want me to stay here or go elsewhere." And he shrugged, I felt a small part of me break. This is the pain i deserve. This is what I want from him, I want him to show me understands that he deserves better even if it hurts me. Maybe giving him space was the wrong decision. I don't want him to think I'm giving up. Lmao I'm just really stupid. I let myself fall into the situation with my first boyfriend, I should've gotten out when I had the chance. The scars I have from that relationship are nobodies fault but my own. It's easy to read this and think about what awful person he may have been, but certainly I did something to deserve it. Nobody acts like that unwarranted. I should have gotten out before either of us became the monster. I should have spared Harrison from my love. He should be happy and I'm so scared I can't give him that the way he gives it to me. I'm scared I won't ever be enough. One thing is very certain, I won't stop trying. Even in the moments when my chest felt cold and my heart ached because I thought he was giving up on me, I never lost my will to fight for him. Even if I don't deserve someone as amazing as he is, I will never stop trying my hardest to keep him happy. Even if it means he no longer wants me, I will never stop wanting him to be happy.

#just really sad lmao #I'm a shitty person #terrible person #sad #rant #relationship #ughh #tbh we talked it out so this post seems unnecessary #self loathing rant

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