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natasha-in-space · 8 months

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Left To Wonder

VAE!Ray/cmc Natasha Stakh;

A glimpse into the aftermath of Ray's first unfortunate awakening, where Natasha and Seven are left to pick up the pieces. A bitter truth about his relationship with his twin is a burden too heavy to carry, and the redheaded hacker is left torn and angry by the end of it. At the same time, Natasha is battling her own demons, finding herself overwhelmed by all the implications of their situation, once her friend wakes up again.

Ch.1, Ch. 2 (you are here!)

-A day earlier.-

As Natasha sat in the hospital lobby, thousands of thoughts racing through her mind, she couldn't help but let out the heaviest sigh she possibly could.

15 minutes. She was absent from Ray's side only for 15 minutes. 15 measly minutes, and it was during those specific 15 minutes of her being away, did he decide to wake up for the first time. Well, it's not like he decided that himself, but... It was still frustrating. She huffed, rubbing at her eyes in an irritated manner.

Annoyance pierced her mind like small needles digging into her skin. She sat faithfully next to him, talked to him and held his hand all this time, but when it came to the most important moment of all, she was not there when he needed her most. What was the point of that round-the-clock watch of hers, then? Now, all these grueling days of continuous sitting at his bedside seemed utterly meaningless to her. Honestly, it was pretty stupid of her to feel this annoyed at something so insignificant, but... Perhaps, she was just tired. Which wouldn't be a surprising explanation at all. She was exhausted.

Natasha groaned into her hands. Ray's reaction was her fault. She should have told Seven about all the nuances... She swore to herself, that she would be there for Ray when he woke up for the first time, since she didn’t want him to feel alone again, but...

In the end, he had to be injected with a sedative, forcefully plunging him into the peaceful world of unconsciousness for his own good. She heard about all the fuss only when she witnessed an entire team of doctors and nurses already rushing into his ward, with Seven being pushed out the door. She exhaled, rolling her head back onto the back of the chair, staring at the painfully bright lights of the hospital.

...God, she couldn't imagine how scared he was. How terrified and alone he felt. In the end, all her efforts to be with him were completely futile. Hell, she even spent her nights in his room, how is any of this fair!?

She observed Seven, who appeared to be praying, holding a silver cross in his hands. Her jaw clenched.

If God existed, he had a cruel sense of humor.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

Seven eventually let go of the cross, now left staring absent-mindedly at the floor. This is not what... he expected. No, not at all. He slumped in his chair, clasping his head in his hands, inadvertently parodying the same pose Natasha was in moments earlier. Something he seemed to do often these days. Or, maybe they were both just very stressed. Probably the latter. The more he thought about what just happened, the more his heart sank, a sickening sense of dread enveloping his insides.

He had a bad feeling about this.

"I don't get it. He was so scared of... me? What was that all about? I mean... Yes, of course he would be scared but- Why was he looking at me with like... that?"

Remembering Saeran's terrified look... As if he was being threatened by some horrifying creature, a look he knew so well and vowed to rid him of. But... He didn't even do anything! All he did was sit next to him and call him by his name. Then, why was he so afraid of him...?

He looked at Natasha, as if she was the one who was supposed to know everything there was to know about his brother. And he... He kind of hated it. He had absolutely no other information. From anyone. Even from those who should have been responsible for him... He just... Didn't know who else to turn to at this point. Feeling so helpless was one of the things he hated most of all.

But, for now, he had no other hope except for her.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

Natasha gulped, dropping her gaze to the floor with guilt, unable to bear the disheartened expression on Seven's face. She should have told him everything from the very beginning, instead of delaying it, waiting for some miracle, or until somebody else would do it for her. Although, then again, it's not like she knew that much. No, she knew practically nothing.

She hummed quietly, kicking off her shoes from her feet, pulling her knees up to her chest, and wrapping her arms around them. Her head turned towards the bustling hallway of the hospital, her mind focusing on the med personnel in white coats going in and out of the wards, paying no mind to their hushed dialogue. Her heart sank as she watched them, today's unfortunate events replaying in her head for the countless time. She wanted to be there when Ray woke up... Sure, her presence hardly would have magically removed all his fear and stress upon his first awakening, but-

Ugh...

The strangest thing is, some tiniest part of her felt... somewhat jealous that Seven was the one who saw him awake first. It seemed so stupid and absurd to her, however, she couldn't do anything about these unwanted feelings of hers. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't pictured their 'reunion' in her own head many times. Maybe, as a small source of comfort in this stressful time. But, then again, these daydreams of hers were hardly believable, and she knew that. Even if Ray had some... 'feelings' for her, her being next to him wouldn't make his awakening that joyful or happy. But, she just wanted... to lighten his burden, at least a little. Let him know that he was not alone, and that someone was nearby. That... she would protect him.

She got distracted.

Natasha turned away from the ward doors and gazed at the redhaired hacker sitting next to her. She had to take a breath before beginning her explanation. This wasn't going to be pleasant. "Seven... I may not know much, but... He spent almost his entire life there, as far as I understand. I was his assistant for about a year, and... the 'outside world' in their ideology is a terrible, cruel place where everyone wants to destroy you."

She shivered, turning her eyes back to the floor, sorting through so many unpleasant memories of her time in that cursed place that disguised itself as a castle of hopes and dreams. In hindsight, she should have known that any castle, however bright and welcoming, had a dungeon hidden beneath its grand beauty.

"I... tried to ask him to come with me once we escaped... maybe even ask the RFA for help, since I realized that none of you were bad people... and he almost listened to me, but... the Savi- I mean, Rika intervened and reminded him that, if he ever left, he would get locked up somewhere like an animal, never to see the sky or flowers, or... something like that." Natasha swallowed the lump in her throat before continuing. "He's... afraid of this world. And-"

"What are you..." Seven's voice was quiet, but that didn't deter her from catching onto every tremble in his tone as he stared at her in a mix of disbelief and horror.

A small noise of discomfort, similar to a whine, slipped from her lips as she then hid her head in her knees, speaking the rest of her words in a muffled voice. Maybe, she didn't want to know his reaction to what she was about to say. Because she knew this would hurt him, greatly, and she did not want to be a witness to that. Not again.

"...He sees you as an enemy. He hates you and V in particular, and I'm not sure why. He-" Natasha shuddered, remembering the terrible sight of what Ray has done to Jihyun in the basement. She saw him be threatening, or even scary before, but... not like this. Not outright malicious and violent. In that cell, she saw a side of him she didn’t want to accept. And it was that exact event that pushed her to help Jihyun escape, leaving behind her former boss in the process. "...I said he was a good man, and i didn't lie about that, but- He... He tortured Jihyun, right in front of my eyes... I know it was an order from Rika, but he- he was so... ruthless with him. And I think... he would have done the same to you, if you were in Jihyun's place. I don't know why, I know almost nothing about his past, except that it was terrible, and... I can’t explain anything else to you, I’m sorry.”

She raised her head, biting on her lower lip.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is... Maybe- Next time he wakes up... you should leave the room. He... knows me, and we were close, so... maybe, that will make him a little more comfortable." Natasha fidgeted, knowing full well how that probably sounded to him. "...And if he's relatively calm, I'll call you in."

This would result in a bad outcome. She already knew that. The way Ray talked about Seven... If they would ever get along well with each other, then... She could only imagine it after a long period of time. But, maybe, if he saw how Seven was truly worried about him... And how painful it was for Seven to see him in pain... Maybe? Ray was a kind soul at heart, no matter how absurd this may sound after all the horrible events of these past few months of her stay in Magenta. She believed... Or, she wanted to believe that he was capable of forgiving Seven, no matter what could have happened between them.

...Jihyun knew. Natasha was certain of it. But he was still in intensive care, and Jumin strictly forbade Seven to approach his best friend after he saw his... 'unstable' state of mind, once the truth of who was Ray came out. And that was probably for the best. Rika probably knew, too... She was the one that 'saved' Ray, after all. But Rika is far from a reliable source of information. Especially now. Either way... She won't talk to anyone until Ray wakes up again, and this time she will be there.

And if she had to avoid leaving even to use the restroom to achieve this, so be it. It sounded absurd. She almost smiled at herself. At how irrational that sounded.

Almost.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

"As an... enemy?" Seven narrowed his eyes at Natasha with a look of hurt crossing over his features. "What kind of nonsense did she even say to him?!"

He clenched his hands in fists. "Why did she do this to him? Did she lie to me that she loved him!? How long? Was it from the beginning? Did V knew? Is that why he wouldn't let me catch the hacker? I-"

"I don't know, Seven. It's true that I worked with him, but I... there's... a very limiting amount of information I could have access to." The young woman murmured, her lips pursed into a thin line. It was obvious that she had a hard time speaking about this. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything earlier, I just- I don't know... I guess I thought everything would work out on its own somehow."

He couldn't believe what was happening even after a few days have passed. He was so angry, and confused, and scared, and every day his hatred for everyone responsible became stronger. His own hatred would have frightened him, if he wouldn't get more and more sickening information of how his brother was mistreated every single day. He hated Rika, he hated V, and he wanted revenge for what happened to Saeran, and he did not hide it from anyone. The crushing sense of utter betrayal was almost too much to bear. Those two hurt his family enough to deserve punishment. No, not even punishment... He truly despised them with all his guts for what they did. Or, in V's case, for what he didn't do. Justice was nothing but a meaningless word to him now; it was simply about his own desires, his raging emotions, which he no longer controlled at all. He didn't care about justice. He just wanted to make them pay.

And yet... he hated himself most of all.

So... Saeran hated him, is that right? It felt like physical pain inside his soul. Debilitating and exhausting. Like a knife twisting itself slowly and mercilessly into his heart, draining the life out of him. Every new day that he learned more and more, it would only become an ever greater burden to bear, weighting on him heavier than anything he had to stomach in his miserable life so far. And God, did he have to stomach a lot. It pained him to imagine the absolute hell his brother went through, and he was unlikely to come to terms with it so soon, if ever. Saeran hated him... He was afraid of him... What did that insane woman even tell him? He doesn't know anything. And that frustrated to no end. Some part of him wanted to scream, to blow up at Natasha, to grab her by the shoulders, shake her and demand answers, but... He knew she wasn't to blame for any of this. She was a victim who just happened to get caught up in this mess.

And, despite having every right to get angry and leave them all behind, she stayed in this hospital: refusing to leave Saeran's side, visiting Jihyun on the daily, even bringing him food, ignoring his insistent refusals to eat. Most importantly of all, if it wasn't for her... God, he didn't even want to imagine what would have happened to Saeran if she didn't decide to go against him and leave back then. He shouldn't be angry with her.

So, he decided to leave before doing or saying something he would regret.

"...Yeah, you're probably right."

His own voice sounded a lot less emotional than he actually was on the inside... His chest hurt. The pain was getting stronger by the minute. It was unbearably painful to realize that he could evoke such negative emotions in Saeran just by his presence alone. He huffed. Perhaps this was too much for him again. Part of him still believed that Saeran or... Ray? That he would be able to recognize him and forgive him, by some stupid miracle. He understood that he still saw him as that quiet, kind, but frightened child he knew him as before, and that Saeran had already matured. Raised by Rika's lies and even more pain. Although now, taking everything into account, he began to feel more and more empty and hopeless about the whole situation. Why try to find out anything when he would receive test results after test results with a huge list of drugs in Saeran's system, when he would get told about how badly his brother's health has been neglected for years on end, and when his own family would look up at him with such a terrified expression.

With a colder look to his eyes, he stood up and headed out, still hanging his head low. After all these days, this was the first time he went out without there being an urgent need for it, even if it was only for a short time. Leaving Saeran now... He couldn't. He didn’t know what to do now and how to live on at all. What was the point of him continuing his work for the agency. But he had to finish it if he didn't want to put others in danger. He should never have forgotten this. That's not to mention the danger of Saeran being him, having his blood examined. What other choice did he have, though? It's not like he could take him out of the hospital when he was in such a critical condition. Damn it, his head was boiling again, no matter how hard he would try to concentrate and distract himself-

He felt the urge to break something.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

Natasha sighed, watching Seven leave with a gloomy expression on her face. Ugh... What happened between these two? She had the idea of going over to have a proper talk with Jihyun once he recovers enough for such a heavy conversation, but... Something told her that this would be a very long talk, for which she did not have the strength right now. Moreover, she felt guilty about hiding the truth from Seven. He looked very distressed... Even with her not knowing absolutely anything about the situation, she could understand that Ray was someone very important to him. Family is complicated, but... it shouldn't be this complicated, right?

However, at this moment, she should use what she has at her disposal. So, after a few more moments, she got up from her seat and wandered aimlessly towards the local cafeteria, typing out a short message to the redhaired hacker along the way that read: 'I'll bring you something to eat. I hope you feel better... If it means anything, I'm ready to listen.'

She had the impression that, if she didn't bring him any food, he would refuse to eat at all. Or, rather, just forget about it.

This situation was filled with nothing but sadness and secrets.

-Present time.-

Natasha was prepared for the next time Ray woke up. She put down her book, which she had been reading for the last hour or so, smiling a little towards the young man on the hospital bed. "Good morning!"

She tried her best to carry a positive and bright attitude with her, since Ray was so gloomy and unhappy... almost always, in fact. A sheepish laugh filled the room as she rubbed the back of her neck in an embarrassed manner.

"Yesterday you looked so upset and nervous, so I decided to give you a small gift to cheer you up a little." She pointed to a small vase placed onto his bedside table, a bouquet of various flowers placed in it in a somewhat clumsy manner. "Apparently, the clinic has a small botanical garden for patients to visit, and the personnel allowed me to bring you some flowers from it if I helped them out a little. I tried to choose the brightest ones with good meanings, so that they would brighten up your day a little."

The moment Ray woke up again, he rushed to find her with his blurry gaze. Although, before he could get all emotional over her apparently not disappearing or leaving like he expected her to, she successfully managed to distract his attention. That's good.

"For me...?"

A more genuine laugh slipped from her lips. "Well... Except for forget-me-nots. I just love forget-me-nots, and I haven't looked up their meaning. So, uh, don't pay any mind if they actually mean something bad. Other than that, I brought you some daisies, pink carnations, and white camellias! I can hand them over to you, if you want."

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

He already could barely hold back his tears, realizing just how kind Natasha was being to him... Again and again... His heart began to flutter in a painfully familiar way, both scaring and overjoying him. He gave her flowers countless of times, but never got the chance to receive any himself. Not like he ever thought he would. Now he simply didn't know how to react to such a heartfelt gesture. This was just too much... Way more than he deserved, especially from her.

"You even chose the meanings... For me... I- Thank you... They are so beautiful."

God, they were great. They went together so gracefully and their meanings... Oh, even her smile was so... sweet and lovely to look at. Like a mirage that would fade from his line of vision with a single blink. Ray never deserved to even stand next to her, much less receive something so meaningful from her! The former hacker started fidgeting with the sheets nervously, but he still hoped that his words would reflect the gratitude he felt.

"Thank you very much. They are truly wonderful. I... I don't know what to say, I'm sorry. It's so much... for me..." He lowered his head, feeling guilty for reacting this way to her gesture. He couldn't even thank her properly... Not like his body could move in a way he wanted it to, anyways.

"Hey, no need to apologize. I wanted to do this." Natasha smiled, making his heart squeeze in his chest.

As usual, he was useless.

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

The former assistant sat down on a chair near his bed and smiled. "Besides, it's the least I can do, don't worry. I don't expect anything in return. I'm sure it's not very nice to be locked up in a room like this all the time. Even I don't like visiting doctors, let alone staying in a hospital, I can't imagine how this feels like for you. How are you feeling? Does anything hurt?"

With a hint of worry in her eyes, she tilted her head to the side and assessed his condition. She had little experience with visiting hospitals... But even if she did have the universal experience of getting stuck in the hospital due to a broken leg or a stupid injury, it still hardly would have prepared her for something like this.

She never thought she would see Ray like this, that she would see any person she knew like this. But, in the end... Jihyun is still recovering from his surgery and, thankfully, seemed to be recovering well, and Ray... It hurt to even look at Ray.

She understood that she should rejoice in the simple fact of him even being alive and not suffering anything worse than this, but... Even the doctors could not say anything for sure yet, since they were never able to examine him after he woke up. She had no idea how to bring this entire topic up to him. Like a dozen of other topics, each more unpleasant than the last. So much had happened in such a short period of time that even she felt overwhelmed, and she had no idea what it was like to be in his shoes. This is only his third awakening so far, and if the first one turned out to be a disaster, then in the second one, he hardly had enough strength for a normal conversation, and she didn’t have time to tell him... anything, really.

How was she supposed to bring up such heavy topics when it's clearly not the time for it? He almost died! How can she explain what happened to Mint Eye? What his new reality entailed for him? About everything that awaited him in the hospital? About his injuries? About Rika? About everything that happened between her and Jihyun during this time? And... about Seven...? It's simply... too much! She didn't want to talk about any of this! It's... just not fair, not fair at all. But, then again, none of this was fair from the very beginning. Everything always happened too fast, too cruelly and too unfairly, and Natasha couldn't do anything about it. Only adjust to it.

The majority of his body was covered by bandages and compressions, with some areas being more dense than others. She did not know the details of his burns and injuries... But even a fool would see that everything was quite serious. The dressings on his head, covering one half of his face, involuntarily would bring to mind the worst of thoughts, but... it seemed like, by some miracle, he did not lose his eye. Ugh, she really should find out more about his condition.

She sighed, biting her lip and squeezing her hands in her lap, as if she wanted to say something. She had no idea what words were stuck on the tip of her tongue. There was simply too much she wanted to say and not enough time to say it all.

"Ray I-"

She stopped mid-sentence. Her gaze became fixed on the modest bouquet she had brought him, and then on his left hand, where the white bandages that were now painfully familiar covered his skin. Suddenly, she found a huge lump forming in the middle of her throat, restricting her ability to breathe. Everything seemed to fall back onto her shoulders again in a second.

"Natasha...?" Ray's voice sounded muffled through the rising white noise filling her senses.

The horrifying news of what Rika had done to Jihyun, the general panic that set in right after, the alarming messages she got from Ray, the disgusting twisting in her stomach as she raced along the rough mountain roads, praying to all the Gods there were for her not crash the car on the way. The deafening roar of the explosion and the cursed stench of smoke, which now always would make her hands tremble whenever she smelled something burning. The way this very same acrid smoke penetrated her lungs, burned her nose and throat, as it seemed to her that she would simply suffocate and die right then and there, unable to save or help anyone. The sight of Ray, bloodied, burned, and barely breathing in her lap - something that now remained forever ingrained into her memory, haunting her nightmares ever since. Nightmares where he... where everything ends very differently and way more tragically. The way his blood was all over her clothes and her hands as she desperately tried to keep the pressure on one of his worst wounds on their way to the hospital.

And how... how that long wait felt. Not knowing what answer awaited her. Not knowing anything.

This time, Natasha couldn't put on a strong facade like she did for him last time. It was not possible for her to smile and calm him.

Instead, large, ugly tears rolled down her cheeks without any signs of stopping, and, with one hoarse pitiful sob, Natasha bent over in her chair, lowering her head in front of him and letting the salty drops fall onto the white sheets, leaving behind tiny spots of gray.

"I'm really- Really sorry."

Her voice sounded quiet and weak. Vulnerable. She understood that her stupid tears would not solve anything, that she needed to be his pillar of support right now, that she needed to explain to him as much as possible and help with all his burdens, but... She just... couldn't. She was weak. She was not at all as strong as Jihyun, Jumin and the rest of RFA saw her as.

She took a shuddering, shaky breath, one that burned her lungs in a painfully similar way they burned on that cursed day. She was like a little child trying to hold back her tears, but only failing in the process. Incoherent words rolled out of her mouth like a waterfall.

"I never- I didn't think- Ray..." It seems that only now had she fully realized what could have happened, and what it truly meant for her to be able to call him by his name like that. Ugh... She was a complete disaster. She clung to his name, refusing to let go, like it was a mantra.

Ray seemed to open his mouth to try and say something, but nothing came out. Or, maybe she simply didn't hear it. Neither option would surprise her.

"Ray, Ray, Ray..."

He was still alive. He was here. He was okay. It was just a name. And yet, it felt like something much bigger now. Proof that he was real, and not just a dream or a hallucination.

Another trembling sob wrecked her body, and Natasha clutched a small piece of the blanket in her hands, as if trying to ground herself with it. "I'm just- I-I'm so glad you're alive. I'm so glad I get to see you again."

In a state of emotional turmoil, harsh words almost came out.

What motivated you to do such a thing? What were you thinking?

Fortunately, she had enough self-control to resist those impulsive thoughts. Instead, she sniffled, continuing to let fresh tears fall from her eyes.

Ah... This was the first time she cried since the whole thing happened. She just realized it now. Maybe that's why she was feeling so overwhelmed?

"I... I... I missed you too, you know."

You're so stupid.

"Don't go anywhere. Not... not like that, do you hear me? Stay. Stay with me and don't do anything- to yourself. Please..."

The last words she spoke caused scary images to appear before her eyes, which is why she immediately closed them, not wanting to see any of them. Not wanting to even think about them. What did he think about back then, in the last seconds before the bomb went off...? Was he scared? Or had he already become so resigned to this outcome that he was waiting for it? She didn't want to know.

As she thought about it, a lump of bile rose violently in her throat.

Why did everything... have to end up like this...?

𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂 ˚ ☆ ꙳ * ࣭ ࣭𓈒 ﹒ ☆ 𓂂

Ray's expression slowly shifted from concern to something akin to panic as he saw tears appear in her eyes. He never saw her cry before... Not in front of him. It made his whole body grow cold with dread. He didn't understand what happened. What did he do to cause such a reaction in her? Usually he tried not to move a single muscle to avoid the pain, but, now, he automatically put his hand on the top of her head. The pain from this movement did return, but in a dulled out form, as he was focusing on something else right now. And yet her last words gave him a hint, making him feel sick to his stomach from the memory. He didn't expect... that someone would care about him like that. But, now he noticed how pale her face was, her eyes, which had completely lost their former dazzling shine of emerald green he loved so much, her usually neatly brushed out hair now tied in a messy bun that did not look comfortable at all. All this was the result of stress, shock and many hours spent here, next to him. It's... his fault. Her pain was his fault.

“What happened, Natasha? Don’t... Don’t cry, I beg you. Is it because of me? Don't. Don't cry for me, please."

At that time, he believed that no one needed him. She left with V, Mint Eye was destroyed, he was left all alone. He didn't think... that she would return to him. If it weren't for her, he wouldn't have woken up again. This thought gave rise to an unpleasant feeling in his chest. Although... He still wasn't sure of anything. He had little understanding of all the consequences his final decision would bring him. What would happen to him now, what was to come. He didn't have time to think about it, and he deliberately avoided the topic as if nothing had happened. But he wouldn't be able to deny it for long: he changed when he made up his mind back in Magenta, and he changed when he woke up again.

Don't go?

What would have happened to her if she didn’t make it? Natasha was with him all this time, every day, she sat here and waited for him to wake up. He put her through hell, and he didn't even know how much damage he caused her on that fateful day. What if he died in her arms. What would have happened to her then? How would he hurt her? Would she blame herself for his death? Crushing guilt filled his entire being. He was so selfish... These questions were too difficult for him to answer.

"Forgive me, I didn't mean to... hurt you." He looked down blankly. "Do you consider me that important to you? I made you go through so much. You should hate me by now... Why do you suffer so much for me?"

Both of them had a lot to discuss.

#mystic messenger #mysmes #mysme #mm #saeran choi #vae ray #vae saeran #vae ray x cmc #saeran x cmc #vae ray x oc #saeran x oc #oc natasha stakh #vae ray x natasha #saeran x natasha #will add an ao3 link once i post the series there 💀#anyways WOOO big project done i am happy #idk if the constant switching of pov is interesting to read so i might drop it in the later chapters??? i don't know??? we'll see #self indulged cmc writing go!!

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