potato is love, potato is life- local hell woman gives potato to her angelic future wife
Charlie: “I don’t think I should be allowed to interact with women ever again.”
Husk: “Is this about Vaggie giggling over a fucking potato earlier-”
Charlie: “OH IT’S ABOUT THE POTATO ALL RIGHT! WHY THE FUCK DOES THE PHRASE ‘apple of my eye’ EVEN EXIST IN THE SAME UNIVERSE WHERE ‘earth apple’ IS ANOTHER WORD FOR POTATO??? WHY DO PEOPLE CALL THE STUPID SPROUTY THINGS ON POTATOES ‘eyes’????? CREATION IS STUPID! IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!!”
Husk: “Did you fucking give her the potato.”
Charlie: (slumping) “I was trying to be romantic-!”
Husk: “Did you call HER your potato.”
Charlie: “THE POTATO OF MY HEART! The tuber of my root sprout!”
Husk: “Oh fuck. Shit, that’s. That’s terrible. You really shouldn’t fucking talk to women anymore.”
Charlie: (sobbing) “I WAS TRYING!!! TO BE SWEET!!!!!”
Angel Dust: “-hey gays m’kay, real fucked up question for ya both but- anyone know why Vag G-string is makin’ soppy doe eyes at an uncooked tater tot?”
Husk: “It’s because she’s almost as much of fucking fail loser as her girlfriend, is why.”
Charlie: (sniffs) “She. You think she likes it…?”
Angel Dust: “Charlie chip, she’s starin’ at the damn thing like it’s her first born child.”
Charlie: “Oh…”
Charlie: “…”
Charlie: “Unholy shit…. I am so GOOD with women-”
Husk: “No. No you’re fucking not. It’s just her.”
Charlie: “Well she’s the only one who counts so that’s perfect!”
Angel Dust: “Oh please don’ tell me you gave her the potato-”
Charlie: “BE RIGHT BACK IM GONNA GO GET HER ANOTHER ONE!!!”
Husk: “NO-!”
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Gonna be honest, I’m still rolling Sinner!Adam around in my head like an entertaining ball of yarn but now I have a conundrum.
If I did hypothetically write a ficlet about wing care (because I’m a sucker for wing fics) featuring Lucifer taking pity on Adam’s fucked up wing and showing him basic fucking wing care while tearing into him about it because how the fuck does he not know this shit and it’s snowballing from there and fuck Adam’s dropping trauma without realising it and oh fuck.
Okay I’m starting to get the appeal of Adamsapple/Guitarduck but in the way only an Asexual Panromantic person can.
But like- would anyone actually like to read that is the thing?
Edit: it has come to my attention that maybe I should link the actual finished product here so:
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My Fallen Apple
Lucifer X Reader
Chapter 1
You weren't originally supposed to be in hell. You only ended up here after telling Adam you refused to be his Third wife. He was a bitter prick about it, and shoved you out of heaven. Last thing you saw as you fell, was the look of shock and regret on his face. Not that you cared. He didn't deserve your forgiveness or pity…
Next thing you knew when you opened your eyes was pain. A burning sensation from your back. Oh fuck, your wings! They- they're not supposed to bend like that! You scream in agony and despair, realizing you'd broken and bent your wings! There was no way to fly back up to heaven now!
“Someone… Someone help!” You cried out, hoping maybe somehow one of your friends in heaven could hear your prayers. But… it was pointless. No prayers from hell could ever reach heaven, not even from an angel. Now here you were… fallen.
“Whoa! That looks pretty bad.” A voice, footsteps getting closer!
“Please! I- I don't belong here!” You tried to sit up, barely managing it with a sob. You look up to see who the voice belonged to.
“I'll say, you're in my garden, almost landed in my rose bushes too.” A short man with blonde hair frowned at you with his arms crossed. “I swear, just because my wife has been off working for seven years, doesn't mean I'm magically single! How did you get in here?”
“I… fell… who are you?” He looked surprised by your words.
“Who am I?! You're kidding right?” You shook your head, and he got serious.
“where did you fall from?”
“Heaven…” He took a deep breath through his nose.
“I see…” He started walking towards you, and you started to pull your wings around to shield yourself, having forgotten they were broken. This made the firey pain flare back up! You hadn't noticed it go numb earlier, but now, you wished you hadn't moved them! You couldn't help the whimper that escaped your lips. It made him stop moving.
“H- hey, I'm… I'm not gonna hurt you.” His voice was soft and low. “I promise, I just wanna help. Will you let me?” He held out his empty hands, waiting for permission before moving even a single step closer.
“Y-you still didn't answer my question. Who are you?” You had a sinking feeling…
“Me? Oh, nobody. Just the big boss of hell himself!” He chuckled at his own humor before shooting you a grin, “Call me Lucifer. And you are?”
Before you could answer, the world went dark, and you fell unconscious again.
The next time you open your eyes, you're in bed. A dream then. Thank God! But why have a nightmare about getting kicked out of heaven? Was it a warning Adam was gonna be a pissy shit when you gave him your answer today? You finally open your eyes and realize… this isn't your room. And… this isn't your bed! You sit up, wings curling around yourself as a shield and looking around frantically! Everything was extravagant and gilded! Some kind of palace suite? Then… oh. OH FUCK! YOU REALLY DID MEET LUCIFER!
“Oh hey, you're up! Great, hungry? I made pancakes.” The devil himself entered the room with a syrup soaked stack, steaming and fresh. Before you could refuse him, your stomach growled loudly, answering for you.
“I didn't think the devil would cook his own meals…” was all you could think to say. He set the tray in front of you, there was even a glass of juice.
“Why wouldn't I? Best way to make sure no one poisons me! Haha, not that it'd actually kill me.” He smiled, “oh, and you're welcome for healing you by the way. Once you're done eating, you can head back on up home.” He smiled and made a wing flapping motion with his arms. You giggle, it was kind of cute. He was so tiny, and handsome in a cute way. Not at all how heaven described him.
“You're… different from how heaven said you'd be.” You say, before eating some of the food he'd been generous enough to share. They were apple flavored.
“Oh really? And how is heaven describing me to you younger angels these days?” He raised an eyebrow, genuinely curious.
“They said you would be cruel. Take joy in the pain and suffering of others. That you didn't know how to laugh or smile, only how to hate and hurt… but, you just proved all of that wrong.”
Lucifer was shocked, “I… that's how they think of me? My own siblings are telling people this?” He looked hurt, gripping a hand to his heart. “Mikey and Gabe… they know I'm not… that I'd never…”
You got up from the bed, you couldn't stand seeing him like this, on the edge of tears from your own words! You should have found a gentler way to… ah fuck it, too late for that now. You pull him into a hug, wrapping your wings around him.
“I'm sorry.” You kept your tone soft and genuine, and that seemed to be the last straw. He hugged back and started bawling into your shoulder!
Now here you are, fallen from heaven, showing sympathy to the devil. You rubbed his back in soothing circles. “It's alright, let it all out, I got you.”
You weren't originally supposed to be in hell, but it didn't seem like such a bad place to be really.
(This was written for a very dear friend of mine. She's crazy for Lucifer, and I'm crazy about her so... yeah! Hope you all like it as much as she has!)
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