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cowboy-anon · 3 years

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▶️ Apple :D go make some applepie :)

(yes my humour is very broken xD)

I swear this was supposed to be fluffy and short, but it got angsty and long instead. It’s so long it deserves a title AND I’m tagging people! Today Apple bakes a pie and we learn a bit more about Benji. 🍏 I’m not 100% satisfied with it but it’s still pretty good.

I should probably also note that everything I’ve mentioned so far is basically canon, besides a few minor details. Like, yeah, Jimmy’s canon, y’all.

CW: Broken whumpee, clueless whumpee, crying, food, implied captivity, neglect, pet whump, referenced past loss of consciousness, referenced past punishment, referenced past whipping, Stockholm Syndrome, unhealthy habits, yelling

Tagging: @sideblogformindtrash, @unicornscotty, @milk-carton-whump, @happy-whumper, @whumperfulart (Let me know if you want to be added or removed from this list! <3 )

Apple Pie

Apple doesn’t think your humor is broken at all, although admittedly he doesn’t get the joke. At the suggestion, he smiles. An apple pie would be a great idea to win back Master Clay’s affections, especially after yesterday!

Of course, to get his ingredients, Apple needs Master Clay to go to the store, and to get his ingredients on Master Clay’s list, he has to visit Benji. Apple hasn’t even seen them since their unconscious body was carried out of the extra bedroom last night. Still, Apple knows that for the next week, whatever Benji asks for, they’ll get. That’s how it always goes.

So Apple moves to sit up, but the instant he does, his back flares with sore, stinging pain. Ow, ow, ow! He freezes, biting back a whimper as his shirt settles against the raw skin. The sting fades into constant but bearable discomfort.

This time when he moves, he goes slower, and the pain feels like less. Apple feels overwhelming relief when he makes his way down the hallway and the hurt is tolerable.

Benji doesn’t talk, eat, or sleep much after a punishment, and this time is no different. When Apple nudges open the door to Master Clay’s bedroom, they’re laying on their stomach in the dark with the shades drawn, illuminated only by the haunting light of the TV. Master Clay always moves it for them on days like this.

They’re looking at the TV, red-rimmed eyes staring but unseeing at the colorful reality show playing on screen. When Apple sees them, he kind of wants to go back into the living room and wait until Benji’s okay again. He hates seeing them like this, so sad and quiet and small.

Maybe this treat will help cheer them up, too!

Apple pushes the door all the way open and crawls into the room, careful to shut it quietly behind him. “Benji?” His own voice is hoarse from yesterday, too, so he clears his throat and tries again a little louder when Benji doesn’t move. “Benji?”

Benji shifts on the bed, just enough for Apple to know they heard him. Apple crawls closer and kneels in front of them on the floor. It takes a moment for their red eyes to meet Apple’s, but when they do, Apple smiles.

“I need some stuff from the store today.” Apple grabs the pen and notepad sitting on Benji’s nightstand and offers it to them. “For an apple pie for Master Clay.”

Benji shakes their head slowly. Not now, Apple. He can see it on their face. They’re hurting today. Apple feels bad for pressing, but he’s sure Master Clay and Benji will both appreciate it later!

“Please? It’s only a little.”

Benji looks angry and exhausted all at once, and Apple thinks if Benji says no this time, he might just drop it. But Benji just sighs, then squeezes their eyes shut.

Rarely ever does Benji take a punishment worse than Apple, but this was one of those times. If the deep, bracing breaths are any indication, Benji’s thinking the same thing.

Apple doesn’t know what they’re doing until they let out a long pained hiss. Benji pushes themself up and moves around until they’re laying on their side and facing Apple. Benji takes the notepad, then motions with the pen. What do you want me to write?

Apple grins. Thank you, thank you, thank you! “Apples and brown sugar and cinnamon and a lemon. We need more flour, too. Oh, and ice cream!”

Benji writes everything down slowly, probably so they don't hurt themself more, and Apple watches mystified. Even though their hand shakes, their writing is still so pretty and swirly.

When they’re done, Benji peels the top sheet off the notepad, gingerly folds it up, and puts everything back on the nightstand. Then they settle back onto their stomach on top of the duvet.

From this angle, Apple can see the edges of angry red marks peeking out from the bandaging wrapped all around their back. Master Clay was kind to take care of Benji’s wounds like that. Maybe if Apple hadn’t tried to steal that apple, he would’ve gotten the same treatment.

When Apple looks back at Benji’s face, they’re staring at the TV again. He takes that as his cue to leave, being careful to shut the door quietly behind him.

***

When Master Clay returns with the ingredients, Apple is a little disappointed to find that he forgot the ice cream, but not ten minutes later, Master Clay passes through the kitchen grumbling about it. Apple’s pulling his ingredients together on the floor when Master Clay snatches his keys off the counter and leaves again.

Did Benji tell him that he’d forgotten it? Or maybe Master Clay noticed how disappointed Apple was and realized what he had forgotten! Regardless of the reason, Apple can’t believe Master Clay would drive all the way back to the store just to pick up some ice cream for him!

Apple feels a stab of loneliness every time Master Clay walks out the door, but it’s good that he’s gone. If he’s quick, he’ll have this pie done before he gets back. He can hardly imagine his surprise!

So Apple doesn’t waste any time. He mixes together all the dry ingredients for the dough and then cuts in the butter, careful not to overwork it before tossing it in the freezer. The apples are next. He cuts them nice and precise, and he makes sure the measurements are just right. Who knew that cooking show Benji watches would’ve come in handy like this?

Apple gets so into it that he starts to hum a little tune under his breath. He doesn’t remember what it’s called, but it’s soft and uplifting and he starts it over again as he lines the tin with the pie crust and layers in the apples.

Finally, Apple pulls together a streusel topping. It’s really easy, and it’s a touch of his own personal flavor since he’s not using the traditional lattice. By the time it’s in the oven, he’s forgotten all about his raw back, but he gets a harsh reminder when he leans up against the bottom cupboards while he waits. He winces and twists so that he’s leaning on his shoulder, not his back.

He doesn’t realize he’s fallen asleep until the oven beeps.

Apple wakes with a jolt, frantically trying to orient himself with his eyes. Right, he’s in the kitchen, on the floor. When he looks up, there’s a pint of vanilla ice cream sitting on the countertop, half-melted but still ice cream.

Apple smiles groggily to himself and eases onto his knees. It’s hard reaching into the oven from here, but he manages it. He uses a dish rag to pull the pie out from the heat and sets it on the floor in front of him.

The smell is heavenly. It takes all Apple has not to dig into the pie right then and there, because he made the pie for Master Clay and Benji, not himself. He barely ignores the way his stomach growls when he catches a whiff of buttery crust and spiced fruit.

Apple cuts a big slice for Master Clay and another for Benji, he scoops a spoonful of ice cream on top of each, and then he crawls over on his knees with the two plates and spoons in hand back to Master Clay’s room.

Apple gives the door a gentle knock before entering just in case Benji’s asleep.

“Master Clay? Benji? I brought you some pie.” Apple doesn’t know if he’s just surprised or fully disappointed that Master Clay isn’t in the room with Benji, but he supposes it’s a mix of both when he sees Benji propped up against the headboard of the bed. “Master Clay…?”

Benji shakes their head, eyes still glued to the TV. Not here.

Apple lets the flutter of disappointment go and instead crawls over to the bed, placing one slice of pie on the blanket and offering the other and a spoon to Benji. “I brought pie,” Apple says again.

Benji looks from the TV to the pie, and for the first time all day, a ghost of a smile passes over their lips. Apple can hardly believe it! He did that! Only as quick as it comes, it’s gone and replaced with a far more somber look.

“Benji, are… are you okay?”

Benji looks like they’re about to nod their head, but they must think better of it because they get impossibly quieter and more withdrawn.

They silently take the plate from Apple and break a piece off with their spoon. Apple’s excitement comes back full force. Hopefully Benji’ll feel better once they’ve eaten!

Benji is about to take the bite when their hand comes back down to the plate and they whisper, barely audible, “I want to go home…”

Apple doesn’t know what to say to that. How could Benji want that? With everything they have—pretty clothes and tender touches and everything they could possibly want—how could they ever want to leave Master Clay?

“You don’t mean that,” Apple murmurs. “That’s just the punishment talking. You have everything here. You can have anything.” At that, Apple feels a pang of something in his chest, but he keeps going. “This is your home, Benji. Master Clay—”

Benji hurls his plate of pie at the wall with a crash.

“THIS ISN’T HOME!”

It’s so loud and Benji’s voice sounds so raw and tearful, and Apple doesn’t know what to do besides bow his head in submission. So he does. Because Benji yelled at him. They’ve never done that before, no matter how exasperated or angry they’ve gotten with him.

The room goes quieter than it’s been all day. Of course the people on TV would choose now of all times to have a quiet moment.

When Apple dares to look back up again, there are tears streaming down Benji’s cheeks. Apple can’t think of anything to say, so all he says is, “Enjoy the pie…” Then he gets onto his hands and knees and crawls out of the room again.

Behind him, Benji’s silent tears turn to sobs, and they continue to whisper, “I just want to go home…”

Apple shuts the door.

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a-crimson-lion · 4 years

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A Look At Bakudeku’s Development (Based On That One Instagram Post): A Photo-Narrative Analysis

Word Count: 4,287 (Yikes…)

[This got long. Like, REALLY long. Don't expect too many colors. There's a lot to get through...]

For those out of the loop, I recently came across this Instagram post during unhealthy hours in the morning. The purpose of this post, I’d assume, was to debunk any negativity aimed at the Bakudeku dynamic/ship, claiming it was indeed not abusive and that the antis in question are ignoring canon in favor of playing Bakugo’s suicide instigation on repeat. Before addressing the post in question, I would like to state two things:

I am not stuck on Chapter/Episode 1 in the series. I have been caught up proper with every story arc up to the JT Training Arc and am roughly familiar with everything past that point. I don’t just take Katsuki’s now essentially forgotten suicide instigation into account; I’m taking every part of his actions well beyond that moment and how they reflect on him, internally justified or otherwise.

While I’m among the people who believe that Bakudeku as of the latest incarnation of the manga (up to Ch. 280) is indeed abusive, I am open to discussions on why it is not. In any case, however, I cannot ignore the fact that the dynamic/ship is incredibly problematic besides the skeletons in both Izuku and Katsuki’s closets.

So, in order to address this issue to the best of my half-awake brain’s abilities, I will review the screenshots within said post and break down how they factor into the Bakudeku dynamic and the overall development. Be aware that there are some manga and movie spoilers, and this is just MY OPINION. I could be wrong, and I’m okay with that. If you wanna talk without patronizing me, the comments are open. I also apologize in advance if I myself come of as patronizing. All the screenshots I’ll be discussing can be found in the video link above (or here).

Well then, no point in beating around the bush...

1) Izuku Taking Katsuki Out Of The Final Exam Gate (Anime Screenshot)

The first piece of “evidence” used to show the merit of Bakudeku comes from the Final Exam arc, shortly after Katsuki succumbs to All Might’s assault, only for Izuku to come in and deck the #1 Hero in order to grab Katsuki and carry him to safety, allowing them both to pass.

However, this photo marks a recurring trend throughout some of the other photos: they speak more about IZUKU as a character than Izuku AND Katsuki.

Izuku getting to save Katsuki is a major development… for Izuku. One that we’ve seen before. Think about it. The first time Izuku saves Katsuki towards the beginning of the exam, he has to punch Katsuki in the face because he was considering throwing the match just for working with Izuku. And after he’s been saved, Katsuki blows up (figuratively and literally) before aggressively kabedoning him. In this scene though? Katsuki got knocked the f*** out, so he really has no room to protest if Izuku comes in to save him a second time.

Plus, this isn’t really anything NEW with Izuku. We know that he’s aware in an abstract sense that what Katsuki did to him was “wrong,” but he doesn’t hold a grudge or any animosity to him towards that. He’s one of Katsuki’s biggest defenders and supporters, assuming Katsuki allows it. So really, him saving Katsuki isn’t really surprising or a major step forward, ‘cause he was always willing to do it from the get go. And again, Katsuki isn’t conscious during his second rescue, so we don’t really know if he would have let Izuku save him again or if he would have protested.

There’s nothing new here, and nothing balanced to the overall dynamic. Just Izuku being Izuku.

2) All Might Acknowledges The New Bakudeku Rivalry (Anime Screenshot)

Deku vs Kacchan 2 was a big moment for the Bakudeku dynamic. I’m not saying it’s a positive moment, nor am I saying it was necessary, but it was big. And in the aftermath of that fight, where Izuku and Katsuki are having a back and forth, All Might thinks to himself that the two have become true rivals now, or something along those lines. And it’s nice that he’s willing to spell this out for the audience and all, but uh…

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: show, don’t tell.

All Might is essentially telling us that Izuku and Katsuki are rivals now. What does the story have to show for it? A brief conversation during their house arrest, followed by a massive stall due to the Shie Hassaikai Arc and Cultural Festival Arc (albeit with one more instance we’ll cover later), and then what essentially equates to Katsuki yelling at Izuku a lot during the Joint Training Arc.

...that’s ...not much.

And yeah, you could expect me to be a good bean to the author and wait until the later arcs, but even then, the execution… just falls kinda flat, at least for me. Going back to that particular moment with All Might’s thought process, it kind of reminds me of Eraserhead essentially acting as a mouthpiece for the Ochako vs Katsuki fight during the Sports Festival, but that’s a can of worms I won’t be indulging today.

What I’m getting at is this: All Might letting the audience know that Bakudeku have reached rival status is great! Now if only the series could deliver more on that...

3) Standing With Two One For Alls (Heroes Rising)

Okay, seriously, if you haven’t seen Heroes Rising yet, I implore you, GO. WATCH IT. It is an incredible film and I would recommend it with warm words. And I’ll admit, it gives us a better incarnation of Bakudeku compared to the rest of the series.

Yes, I said “better,” not “great.”

Look, I’m all for Izuku and Katsuki working past their differences and the clusterf*** that was their childhood, and maybe Horikoshi not being as integrally involved with the film’s writing as people think he is has something to do with it, but uh… you do not say “put myself as low as to working with Deku” or something like that and expect to be casually tossed aside, at least if you’re me. And while I’m glad there was some genuine emotional tension as Izuku gave Katsuki OFA, some part about it feels… off. Like, nothing was really truly resolved. Katsuki wasn’t given OFA as a sign of forgiveness, as an acknowledgement. Katsuki was given OFA because there was an AFO level villain about to wreck the place and kill some peeps and oh look, the narrative made it so that Katsuki was the only convenient holder around! It kinda stings when you look at it that way.

Not that it matters, because a big thing most people forget is that at the end of this movie, THE ENTIRE THING IS ESSENTIALLY SWIPED ACROSS THE DESK AND ON THE FLOOR. Even if it was going to have some level of effort towards the development of the dynamic, that effort is essentially GONE because Katsuki doesn’t remember SQUAT, and what happens to OFA after the fight is NEVER DISCUSSED. It’s just a hard reset, BOOM, back to normal. *Sigh*

Really, the whole double OFA thing was for convenience, less so for any emotional leveling up that could have been done. And even then, Izuku is still somehow the one putting more emotional input into the entire thing than Katsuki.

4) “I Thought You Were Gonna Get Ahead Of Me!” (Anime Screenshot)

Katsuki’s methods of motivation are… admittedly not for everyone. They seem to work fine for Izuku, as seen sometime after the Cultural Festival Arc, but again, that’s just Izuku. We know how he takes Katsuki’s words and turns it into motivation, but why does Katsuki bother at all?

Well, maybe this comes with desperately trying to find reasons to like a character but progressively despising him and his narrative placement more and more as time progresses, but here’s my angle on it: Katsuki just doesn’t want Izuku dragging his weight for nothing.

Keep in mind, we’re talking about the same Katsuki who held a grudge against Shoto for holding back during the Sports Festival. The same Katsuki who wanted the #1 Hero to go all out and would continuously press to fight him. The same Katsuki who wanted to fight a deadly villain even after being instructed to get back to camp for his own safety. The same Katsuki who challenged Izuku to a fight to finally determine where the gap was, and who was frustrated when he won because the power Izuku possessed was All Might’s, so clearly he shouldn’t have lost.

In short, Katsuki doesn’t like it when people don’t give it their all. And I believe it’s been stated once or twice that once Izuku makes One For All his own, there’s a good chance they’re gonna fight again. So it’s in Katsuki’s best interest to make sure Izuku isn’t half-assing anything, because he wants to prove he can beat Izuku at his best, thus proving that KATSUKI is the best.

So it’s less so for Izuku’s benefit as it is for Katsuki’s own.

5) One Giant Leap (Heroes Rising)

Arguably one of the best moments of the entire Heroes Rising film amongst the fandom is the big handhold scene between Katsuki and Izuku as they make a last gambit effort to take down Nine with two One for Alls. Admittedly this is one of the best if not the best moment throughout the entire progression of the Bakudeku dynamic thus far. I’ll give it that much.

...which makes it all the more frustrating because again: MIND. WIPE. The audience knows it happened, but in canon we never know if Izuku discusses it with Katsuki or if anyone else was aware of the moment in greater specificity. IT ESSENTIALLY NEVER HAPPENED, and I’m starting to legitimately wonder whether or not it was for the best...

6) Datte Atashi No Hero (Anime Screenshot)

First off: how? Second off: huh?

Believe me, the second ending of Season 3 is an absolute bop, don’t get me wrong, but uh… again, it provides NOTHING balanced for Bakudeku, once again relying on Izuku’s perspective on the entire matter. I once read an interesting meta about this ending and how it could be interpreted (take this with a grain of salt), but the biggest contender is that this is in fact Izuku’s fantasy. Think about it:

Izuku is a humble traveling warrior, with nothing to distinguish himself in his own opinion.

Ochako is a magician because she’s alien to Izuku, an unheard of phenomenon.

Tenya being a knight, Shoto being a prince, and Momo being a warrior princess all correlates to their high standings in society, heroic or otherwise.

The reason Katsuki is a barbarian king is because he’s familiar to Izuku in an ancient sense; he’s known him for a long time. The list goes on, but you get the jist.

With this in mind, it’s not difficult to understand that even Katsuki willing to work with Izuku would be another aspect of Izuku’s fantasy: to be able to stand beside his childhood friend once more. And remember the ending of that scene, when Izuku does that big sword slash? That’s him having fully mastered OFA. Both are things that could happen given the manga’s recent direction, but still have yet to happen because this is, again, a fantasy.

And apparently Datte Atatshi No Hero is a reflection on Izuku’s feelings towards Katsuki. Take that as you will, but again, this does not speak for Bakudeku as a whole. Just Izuku’s feelings on the matter.

7) Win to Save, Save to Win (Manga Screenshot)

Since I’ve already penned myself into a short story at this point, might as well take the time to look at this famous phrase from the story.

Personally, I consider it bulls***. It harms both characters overall; yes, I said both. It excuses Katsuki’s need to be a blunt powerhouse that only targets villains, and it redundantly demands Izuku do more of what he was already doing, albeit with less sympathy. I know it sounds corny to say saving is more important than winning, but in the heat of the moment, what gets to the civilians in danger more often? Seeing a guy in a cape deck the latest disaster right in front of them or from a distance? Or said cape guy risking life and limb making sure that this person gets to see life another day?

There’s no perfect answer to it, but that’s my stance.

And this quote, “Win to save, save to win,” justifies the one thing that keeps Katsuki from truly outgrowing his past: his need to be the best. If winning is on the same level then saving, and Izuku has an innate capacity to save, then that means it’s okay for Katsuki to have to win all the time, right?

No. It’s not. And that’s not speaking for all the “Gary Stu” crap, either.

Because being pressured into being the best is what caused Katsuki to hate any kindness offered to him by Izuku. The desire to be the best had him bully Izuku for a decade to ensure that Izuku remained the loser and Katsuki remained the winner. That desire characterizes arguably the worst aspects of Katsuki’s character, and those aspects aren’t gonna fly in the Pro Hero world. Because if Nana Shimura, Shota Aizawa, the Pussycats, Mirio, Sir Nighteye, and a handful of other incidents have taught us anything, it’s that even at their best efforts, heroes don’t win all the time.

Katsuki needs to learn this, or it will crush him in the long term. But he hasn’t. The narrative has kept letting him rack up wins, and his current actions in the manga were spurred on by the fact that he still has yet to truly take a loss.

Say what you will, but I don’t like this line. For what it says about Izuku or Katsuki.

8) The Only One Who Can Accept His Feelings… (Anime Screenshot)

Me @ #7: Wanna see me go off?

Me @ #8: Wanna see me do it again?

Izuku’s perspective on the entire Bakudeku situation is a major reason why most fans condone it. “Izuku doesn’t appear obviously bothered by Katsuki, so that clearly means it’s not abusive/problematic, so just shut up!” or something like that. Well, I’m no psychologist, so I won’t go into a spiel about people ignoring their pain for the sake of others or people trying to excuse others in order to place fault on themselves whether or not it be accurate.

Really, all I can say is that NONE OF THIS should be Izuku’s responsibility.

I’m not blaming this on Izuku because he hasn’t had actual friends or a healthy support system in a long while, but the fact that he decides to take on and enable Katsuki in his element just… doesn’t sit well with me. The logical conclusion would be talking, not throwing hands. I don’t care if they’re “distressed teenagers,” neither of them should be doing this, and Katsuki was fully aware that the teachers would stop them in the first place; that’s not simply adults meddling in what isn’t their business. Katsuki should have really figured out by now that maybe the best course of action is to actually vent to someone without blowing their face off, and I get that he’s absolute s*** at feelings, but really, that’s more of a red flag that he needs to actually get help. And if you think a little too hard on Izuku’s feelings of the matter, well…

Imagine being ostracized for so long that you lose all sense of self worth.

Imagine being told time and again that your worthless, which checks out for you because clearly if your worthless, the guy that enabled that mindset is obviously better than you, and he’s entitled to use you for his own ends.

That’s what I get from this scene.

And again, this is all from IZUKU at this point; virtually NOTHING from Katsuki.

9) Double Detroit Smash (Heroes Rising)

I’ve already said my piece about the film. At this point, it’s beating a dead horse with a stick. Moving on.

10) Word of God (Miscellaneous)

Here’s the thing about Word of God in fandom: the general consensus is that it’s nice to get confirmation from a credible source, but unless it is portrayed in canon, it’s just more words which may or may not be true.

In this case, Kohei Horikoshi, the mangaka for BNHA, is saying that eventually, Katsuki will have to apologize to Izuku. Eventually.

As in, it still hasn’t happened yet.

As in, Katsuki still has yet to decide that what he did in the past was wrong and he should try to fix it.

As in, it currently shows no bearing towards Katsuki’s current character nor the overall Bakudeku dynamic.

Sure, it MIGHT happen, but in another interview (or mayhaps it’s the same one), Horikoshi stated that Katsuki originally wasn’t intended to get as much screen time as he did. Both of these situations are different of course, but with the recent turbulence of the War Arc shaking up the manga, is it really so hard to believe that an apology might slip away from Katsuki’s thought process?

On the bright side, an apology could happen. But until it’s canon, then it’s only a possibility, and therefore can’t be used fully for the intended argument.

11) X-Catapult Handhold (Heroes Rising)

I bet some people working on the movie and some fans on the movie felt spoiled when they included not one, but two handholding scenes for Izuku and Katsuki.

And while the first handhold is certainly a marvel of battle tactics, again, there isn’t much else going on with it. Is it nice to see Katsuki working with Izuku again? Yes, but contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t go past that. Katsuki’s just willing to work with Izuku, full stop. He’d probably be willing to work with anyone because Nine is f***ing tank. And sure, getting a handhold tease is nice, but it’s only to facilitate Katsuki’s subsequent yeeting of Izuku at Nine in an attempt to do damage. Nothing more pressing about the circumstances of their past or anything like that.

12) A Bit of Advice (Anime Screenshot)

Look, this is one of the tamer, better looks at Izuku and Katsuki’s relationship. He’s willing to put his pride aside and give Izuku some advice. But remember what I said earlier in #4?

It’s not just to make sure Izuku gets better, but so Katsuki can feel like it’s a complete win when he beats his ass.

And if we take the line “It pisses me off” into account, we can look at that flaw from the same angle. Remember, Izuku has All Might’s power, the #1 Hero’s power. To Katsuki, that means he shouldn’t have the luxury of making mistakes. But Izuku does. He makes mistakes, and Katsuki sees them and he doesn’t get to exploit them. He still wins, but not because of those mistakes. And part of that pisses Katsuki off. Izuku shouldn’t get to slack. So, Katsuki gives him some advice. Advice that will no doubt help Izuku in the long run, for his (and Katuki’s) sakes. It’s a good outcome from a not very good reason...

13) Have You Made That Borrowed Power Your Own? (Manga Screenshot)

Yeah, no.

I don’t care if Izuku is used to this treatment, it still isn’t reinforcing an overall positive tone.

I don’t care if Katsuki acknowledges at some level that Izuku’s power is becoming his own, he still has the gall to say it was no wonder he passed BECAUSE of his power. Which may be true, but it’s not like Izuku was relying on it 100%, and lowkey comes off as Quirkist.

All it tells me is that Katsuki is starting to acknowledge Izuku, in the “gadfly I can’t get off my back” sort of way. Is this the “best development” y’all are rooting for? Basic acknowledgement of another human being?

14) Outta My Way Punk! (Manga Screenshot)

Katsuki reflexively tells Izuku to get out of his way.

Izuku is used to it, again, that does not excuse it.

Once again, Katsuki reverts back to his usual behavior instead of showing a more subtle approach to show the audience that maybe he’s changing beyond what a chorus of other characters saying “he’s changed!” has to offer.

...even if it’s not abusive, you can’t really say that’s a “good” relationship, either.

15) Blackwhip Training (Manga Screenshot)

Katsuki willing to train with Izuku to help him master his Quirk(s) is nice.

Still blatantly in his element with lots of needless yelling and dominance assertion, but still nice.

And keep in mind, right after it’s clear they aren’t getting anywhere and Izuku tries to rationalize it, Katsuki decides to dip seeing as it’s not worth his time anymore. And even before that, at least in my translation, Katsuki seems to be more interested in beating out Blackwhip instead of having Izuku get a handle on.

Again, maybe not abusive, but not exactly supportive, either.

16) ??? (Anime Screenshot)

I personally have no idea what they were going for with this screenshot, but if I had to guess, that’s after Katsuki gives Izuku an escape window whilst he faces off against All Might alone during their Final Exams.

While I understand that this is early on in their dynamic’s development, the fact still stands that Katsuki still wants to fight for fighting’s sake. He may have been willing to at least give Izuku a chance, but he still sees Izuku’s retreat as cowardly, even though it’s a perfectly valid way to pass the exam. He still just wants to fight.

There’s no mutuality in that sense.

17) Quote from Justin Briner (Miscellaneous)

I don’t have much of an opinion for Izuku’s English VA, but for what it’s worth, I think overall he’s a really cool dude. The same, however, cannot be said for his quote.

I can buy into Izuku wanting to get stronger because of Katsuki, since that is a major plot point. I can’t do the same for Katsuki seeing the good in people because we don’t ever see it, really? In fact, it’s more like people latch on to Katsuki and he just tolerates them until they’ve completely wormed their way into his life. There’s no scene where Katsuki considers someone a good person because of something Izuku did, or anything even vaguely along those lines, at least to my knowledge.

As for their relationship, there have been more downs than ups, and it isn’t relatable to me in the slightest. Maybe that’s just ‘cause I don’t get the overall appeal, but their friendship never really strikes me as a… well, friendship. You could argue that’s the point and that’s what makes them different and interesting, but I would much rather we see more concrete proof of their relationship being at more understandable highs and lows while actually demonstrating it was mutual.

But again. That’s just me.

18) Joint Training Pep Talk (Manga Screenshot)

I’m basically repeating myself at this point. Katsuki might be keeping tabs on Izuku, but again, it’s not entirely for Izuku’s benefit. He just wants to make sure his new “rival” (successor to the #1 Hero, I might add) isn’t dragging his feet through the mud and actually getting s*** done so their eventual third clash will actually be worth his time.

...this relationship is so one-sided in two entirely different ways, I swear.

19) Speaking With Kacchan So Naturally (Manga Screenshot)

Why are we congratulating Katsuki for adding one more person to his already (surprisingly) sizable tolerance pile?

Why are we congratulating Izuku for bridging a gap other people managed to cross with little to no effort even though he didn’t do anything wrong?

Izuku is essentially saying “Good job on me for finally getting the same treatment as everyone else from that one person after over ten years.” Good on him, but uh… that’s not exactly a landmark worth framing the way the fandom does...

The relationship might not be outright abusive, but HOO BOY the bar has never been set lower...

20) “You’ve got a good friend in him” (Manga Screenshot)

And finally, the pièce de résistance. Which is really more narrative mouthpiece-ing.

Even before that, Katsuki yet again can’t take a compliment from Izuku for whatever reason. Yet again, Izuku just shrugs off all of Katsuki’s discouragement, intentional or otherwise. And I love me some Dadmight as much as the next guy, but really, does he have a good grasp on relationships? His only friends in his life were David and Naomasa, and he’s been shown time and time again to not be the infallible man many think he is due to being the Symbol of Peace? But suddenly he goes “Bakudeku rights” and y’all jump on that with no room for argument?

Katsuki has yet to prove what All Might has been saying. Again, telling rather than showing, therefore removing the meaning from the entire thing. Unless Katsuki proves otherwise, I call bulls***.

-------------------------------------------------------

So, my final verdict? Bakudeku is fine. It’s just not as great as the rest of you are making it out to be. I’m not gonna dictate whatever you ship or what you enjoy, that’s not my place, but at least keep these perspectives in mind. You don’t have to believe them, but just… stay aware, y’know?

Alrighty, I’ve wasted enough of your time. If you’ve read it until the very end, then… thanks. Carry on.

-Crimson Lion (10 August 2020)

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aewriting · 4 years

Text

Grey Zone, Part 6

There is now a 6th part to this angsty, angsty fic, in which T.K. and Carlos run into one of T.K.'s past hookups.

Warnings for explicit sexual content, angst, unhealthy coping strategies.

All parts are here on AO3.

***

Lunch starts out well.

They’re trying out a new place, post-workout. One of those fast-casual spots where you customize your own salad. It’s okay, T.K. thinks. Like, it’s nice to have healthy options, but he could have put this together himself just using stuff in his and dad’s fridge. Which, admittedly, is probably better-stocked than 90% of the fridges in Austin. 95%? 99%, maybe?

Carlos’s fridge is always well-stocked, too, he thinks, sneaking a look at him across the table as he sips a green juice. “How’s yours?” T.K. asks, and Carlos smiles.

“Pretty good.”

Things have been... nice, between them lately, especially since the club with Paul. They grab lunch sometimes - even breakfast or dinner, depending when they get off shift. Ice cream, once - rare for T.K., but worth it to hear Carlos order from the vendor in Spanish for the both of them, worth it to see him lick his cone with such... enthusiasm.

T.K. exhales. They haven’t slept together. There’ve been nights they probably could have, nights when T.K.’s been so close to just crowding Carlos up against a wall and going for it. But then he remembers therapy, remembers he’s not supposed to be just jumping into sexual encounters, let alone a new relationship.

But is this jumping?

It’s been a few months now, and it seems... god, it seems good. Carlos is gorgeous. He seems to think T.K. is attractive, too. But that, that’s kind of the least of it. Because T.K. knows from experience that part’s not hard. He, he’s pretty damn aware of his physical appeal. It’s all the other shit that’s a liability.

But with Carlos... god damn. Like, Carlos knows him. And he hasn’t turned tail. Or, or just limited their encounters to sex. He knows T.K. relapsed, knows he had a bad breakup, knows his job and his dad... knows he can get moody. Sad, sometimes, indifferent. Careless, even... And he still seems to want more of him.

So they eat together. Work out together. Take drives together. Watch movies together.

And if they occasionally grind up on each other on the dance floor?

Well. He’s a firefighter, not a saint.

He feels like he’s getting closer to healthy. Not there yet, but at least he’s at a place where it feels like it could be possible. Someday.

Like Carlos could be possible someday.

So he smiles at Carlos, here in the little restaurant. Jokes about his super-tight t-shirt. Swivels around in his seat to see how much this place is charging to add avocado and -

Shit.

That’s when he sees him. Them. Fuck. And from the looks he gets in return, they see him, too.

He... he knew this would happen eventually, if he and Carlos hung out enough together, especially in certain spaces. He wasn’t expecting it here, though, with these two, of all people. And not now.

First instinct is to avoid. “I’m gonna use the restroom.”

Carlos nods, mostly focused on his salad. “Sure.”

T.K. crosses the restaurant quickly, trying to dodge eye contact, trying to pretend like the two other members of the filthiest threesome of his life aren’t currently in the same room as him and Carlos.

They’d looked like they were almost done, with their food. He hopes that if he just takes some time, they’ll be gone. This place wasn’t designed for lingering.

He washes his hands, looks in the mirror, breathes deeply, and heads out. Exhales when he sees that their table is empty... but goes cold when he sees the taller guy exchanging words with Carlos. Winking at him.

Fucking hell.

He delays as best he can, watches them exit the restaurant. Watches the way Carlos’s brow furrows, the way he looks down at the table without really seeing.

He makes his way over, sits down. “Hey,” he says softly.

Carlos startles. “Oh. Hey,” he says in return. But he doesn’t meet T.K.’s eyes.

They finish their salads and drinks in near silence, a departure from their banter earlier.

They get into Carlos’s car. Carlos looks deep in thought as he starts the ignition, then turns to T.K.

“You still want dropped at the station? Or do you have other plans?”

T.K. frowns. Other plans? “I go on shift in like 3 hours. I figured I’d just get a shower at the station and sort of bum around there for a while after that.”

Carlos nods tightly. “Just thought I’d ask. That’s plenty of time to fit in some other stuff.”

Other stuff.

“What did they say to you?” T.K. asks, voice low.

“Mierda,” Carlos mutters, mostly to himself. “I, I’m not repeating it.” His jaw tenses, and then his face goes carefully blank. “And it doesn’t matter anyway.”

T.K. reaches out, touches Carlos’s arm, the one that’s about to put the car into reverse.

“Hey.”

Carlos’s shoulders slump, and he’s quiet a long while. His voice sounds raspy when he finally speaks. “How... how many? Since you’ve been in Austin?”

T.K. purses his lips, doesn’t answer.

“No, never mind,” Carlos exhales heavily. “You don’t, don’t have to answer that. It doesn’t matter. I’ll take you to the station.”

“A lot.” T.K. says, louder than he means to. “It... it’s been a lot. Of guys.”

Carlos just nods. “Um. After we...?”

“Yeah. And before, too.” T.K. looks down. “It...” he starts. “I was trying to feel something.”

Carlos’s mouth twists a little, at that. “It work?”

No point in lying. “Sometimes.”

“It work with me?”

Shit. “Carlos...” T.K. trails off. Then decides, what the hell? He’s already this far in, might as well keep going. “At first, you were just another body to me.” He can see Carlos flinch, a bit. “A, a really hot one, but... but that’s what it was. That’s all I was looking for. But you, you were nice to me. Like, nice in a way other people weren’t. Um, historically haven’t been. You... it seemed like you cared. About me. Like, the real me. Even with all my shit. And I liked talking to you. Liked seeing you out on calls. Liked it even more when we’d go out, do stuff.”

Carlos is looking at him with big, sad eyes. “I liked it too,” he says finally, voice quiet. “It’s just...”

“What?”

There’s pain on Carlos’s face. “It’s like the damn fight. It makes me,” his jaw tightens, “makes me worry. For you.” He bites his lip, seems to consider something. “Those... guys. At the restaurant. They told me to have fun. Said you were down for anything.” Carlos shakes his head. “Like, what does that even mean?”

What does it mean...

Well. What it had meant, with those guys, was that T.K. had been in the vicinity. Had been looking for a hookup. Used the app and made contact with the tall guy. Met up at a fuckin’ hardware store and followed the guy’s truck to his place west of the city.

It had meant that the guy had bent him over the hood of his pickup, pulled down his jeans, and fucked him hard, right in his garage... then told him that his boyfriend wanted a go, too. And T.K. - well. It’s not that he hadn’t wanted it. Just hadn’t expected it. Bad, bad etiquette, on their part, really. Like, you should mention that shit up front. That there’s another guy. Not, not everyone would be down for that.

But T.K. was. Down for it. Down for anything, right? Honestly, at the time it just seemed novel. Kind of crazy. Different enough, intense enough to stir up... something.

It was certainly stirring shit up now.

“Probably means what you think it means,” he finally responds, wanting to see what Carlos will do with that.

Carlos looks torn. “You use an app?” T.K. nods. “What... what did you say you were looking for? Like, in the profile?”

Rough, he’d said. He, he’d said that he liked it rough. In his experience, the hookups with an edge of... of pain? Like, the really physical ones, the intense ones, those were the ones that seemed to do the trick. Pierced the grey the best, blotted it out the longest.

Problem was, it didn’t last. He knows now, from his therapy, from AA, from all the goddamn work he’s putting in, that it had been just another high.

“I stopped,” he blurts out, and Carlos seems startled. “I stopped,” he repeats, “almost a month ago.” He swallows. “Finally told my therapist, my sponsor what I was doing. And now I’m telling you. Always planned to tell you, eventually. Just didn’t think it would be today.”

Carlos is frowning.

“I deleted the app.”

“Why?”

T.K. sighs. “My dad. His diagnosis. I can’t be doing shit like that, the way I was. He, he needs me. And I...” Fuck, he just, just feels so low right now, trying to explain this. Had Carlos asked him about this two months ago, he’d have probably laughed. Smirked. Poked fun at Carlos for not being on the apps, too. But he’s in a different place now. Stakes are higher. With Dad. With, with Carlos.

“I’m trying,” he says, hearing the desperation.

And Carlos stares at him, sadly. Reaches over and pulls him close over the center console. “I know you are. I know.”

#my fic #tarlos #911 lone star #grey zone

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inorganicone2230 · 5 years

Text

Divine Intervention (Part 3) Yandere!Erasermic x Fem!Reader

Part 2 Part 4

Summary: Sometimes a little divine intervention is necessary to take back the ones we love… whether they want it or not.

Warnings: Suicide, kidnapping, forced relationship, emotional and mental manipulation, typical Yandere behavior, possible non-con in future chapters

Side note: Holy shit! I certainly hope you guys have some time because this one is LONG! I’M TALKING 5K WORDS!!! Hopefully no one minds lol

Please enjoy!

“And was that the newest one?”

You laid back on the couch and sighed, “Yes. I just wish I knew what it meant. I mean, why bring up this supposedly dead woman?”

Doctor Kayama looked down at her notes in thought, “Perhaps it's simply your minds way of filling in the blanks. You've been having these dreams for quite some time now. And as an adolescent you didn't question the details and the facts near as often as you do now that you're an adult.”

You let another sigh fall from your lips. “Yeah, you're probably right, but there already was an explanation for her, she’s dead.”

You had been seeing Doctor Kayama, who specialized in sleep disorders -insomnia, sleep apnea, narcolepsy and in your case, reoccurring dreams/nightmares- since you were 16 and in a way it was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you had someone unbiased to talk to about them who you felt wasn't going to judge you, and a curse because by constantly talking about them, you could never really forget them or put them out of your head. They were always there, right at the forefront of your mind, just waiting for something in your day-to-day life to trigger a memory of them.

Doctor Kayama pursed her plump lips into a thin line, “The mind is a tricky thing, and dreams are even trickier. I can see that we are not going to make anymore progress today, our time is almost up anyway. And if I'm not mistaken, you have to be to work in an hour.” She said, standing up to put her things away and walk you to the door.

You followed suit, “Yes, I think I’m hitting a blank on how to think about it further. Maybe next week I’ll have some answers… or some ideas at the very least.”

Nemuri smiled at you in response, “I agree. Some time to think more will do you some good.”

You shook her hand and as always, you felt just a little bit better after your session, even if you didn't make much progress. Anything was better than nothing. Wasn't it?

“I'll see you again next week, same time as usual.” With your confirmation to return next week you were out the door and on your way to work.

--------

You were fortunate enough to have found a nice apartment that was within walking distance to both your work and the doctor's office. Right in the middle actually! The only downside was that you had to go further into the city whenever you needed to do shopping. You made decent money at the bookstore/cafe that you worked at, but the area didn't really have any grocery stores, just a lot of restaurants and gas stations. And while that was fine every now and then, you would prefer not to waste all your hard earned money on expensive meals and unhealthy junk food.

You were about halfway home though when something caught your eye, or rather someone… and it made you freeze.

‘Was that? No… it couldn't be? Could it…?’

For just a moment you could have sworn you caught sight of a familiar head of golden hair. Long and soft looking, it caught the glare from the afternoon sun on the fresh snow in just a way that it seemed to make the strands glitter in the light.

Without a second thought you instinctively began to head in the same direction. Or you would have, if your phone hadn't rang.

You scrambled to pull it from your purse. “Hello?” A brief pause, “No that's fine. I was going to stop at my apartment on the way but I can just head straight there, it's no trouble.” Another pause, “Sounds good. I’ll see you soon, bye bye.”

Hanging up and putting away your phone you took a look around, you had lost sight of whoever that was. “Oh who am I kidding, it was nothing! Just someone's regular blonde hair, my eyes and that appointment I just had are playing tricks on me.” You reassured yourself. It was a strange thing to see but there was no way it was real. With your pep talk over you began your trek to the bookstore.

In your haste you failed to notice the lime green eyes that watched you from the roof of the building beside you. Eyes that watched you with a predatory hunger. The bounce of your hair, the sway of your hips, the curves of you soft form. All of it was focused on you and you alone and the predator licked his lips in anticipation.

“Soon (Current Name), soon.”

--------

You made it to work with a few minutes to spare and after exchanging pleasantries with your coworker and going through the usual shift-change duties, you were ready to start your day.

It was a Saturday and with most people still in school or at work, plus the cafe being closed, it was proving to be a rather slow afternoon. You did the usual tasks of dusting the shelves, taking inventory and putting away new items, calling people to inform them of their special orders and just general basic things. You soon found yourself with nothing else to do. Not even a customer to hep out!

Luckily, the couple that owned the store didn't mind the employees reading on shift as long as everything else was done and no customers needed help. Taking a seat behind the counter you began to read your current book. A horror/mystery novel about a young girl who goes to sleep in her bed but wakes up in an old house with no windows or doors leading outside, she has to find a way out while being haunted by whispering voices and a tall pale figure with teeth for lips that watches her from the shadows.

You had only gotten a few chapters in when you heard a voice speak to you though. “Excuse me miss? Could you help us?”

Funny, you hadn't heard the bell go off when the door was opened, nor had you felt the draft from the chilly winter weather outside. But you simply wrote it off, thinking you were too engrossed in your book. None the less you mark your page and put the book down. “Of course! What can I do for y-...” You freeze mid sentence.

Standing in front of you are two very familiar looking men. Both tall and handsome in their own way, but as different as night and day.

The tallest one had black hair that brushed his shoulders and a serious case of five o'clock shadow. His eyes were just as dark as his hair, though admittedly, that could have been because he looked like he hadn't slept in a week. He was dressed in black jeans, a gray t-shirt and a heavy black winter pea-coat.

The other man practically radiated sunshine with his rather long blonde hair and bright green eyes framed by simple square glasses. Multiple piercings adorned his ears along with other jewelry, a silver chain wrapped twice around his neck and a few rings to match. He was dressed rather similarly to his counterpart but in tans and whites.

It was THEM! The one’s from your dreams… or at least... two men who looked exactly like them. And it scared you…

It took you a second to realize that you must have zoned out when you froze because they were giving you odd looks and asking if you were okay. You managed to give them an admittedly half-assed response. “O-oh yes! I'm p-perfectly fine, you just startled me is all! What can I help you with today?”

Both men exchanged odd glances with each other, like they were having some silent conversation. “Are you sure miss?” The black haired one asked, “Your white as a sheet and look like you've seen a ghost.”

“Yes! Absolutely!” You replied with a forced kind of enthusiasm.

The blonde snickered and gave a feral grin, first to you and then to his companion, “Aww, she's blushing Shouta! Maybe she's just flustered, what with having such good looking guys come in her store!” His insinuation and the wink he throws your way make your eye twitch in irritation. But he’s not done running his mouth, “Well if it makes you feel any better Sweetling, I’d be tripping over myself to if a lovely little thing you walked in on me out of the blue.”

You weren't quite sure how to respond to that. Luckily for you the other one -Shouta, the blonde said?- seemed to know what to do about his friends behavior since he reached out to yank on some of his hair. “Cut it out Hizashi. Can't you see you're making the poor thing as nervous as a wet kitten.”

Hizashi at least had the decency to look apologetic as he rubbed the spot his hair was yanked. “Sorry hun, my mouth gets the better of me sometimes, especially around pretty girls.” He held out his hand to you and grinned again, “Let's start over! I’m Hizashi and this here is my friend Shouta!”

You were still really put off -terrified actually- by their resemblance to the men from your dreams but you had a job to do still. You swallowed your fear and plastered on your best ‘Fake as Shit Face’ Before quickly shaking both their hands. “It's nice to meet you, my names (Fake Name)! What can I do for you today?” You hoped you sounded convincing enough. Your work had a policy about not using real names on the name tags, just better for the employees safety, especially in this day and age. Can't be too careful.

“We were hoping to find some books on religion… reincarnation to be more precise. Possibly even mythology and folklore.” He said it in such a strange way, like he was trying to explain something without going into too much detail.

You thought it was an odd request for sure, but you weren't really one to judge other people's taste in literature since you yourself had some weird ones. Right now all you wanted to do was get them out of the store ASAP.

“Sure! Follow me right this way.”

You lead them to a small section near the back of the left end of the store, no more than three bookshelves. Both sections were right next to each other since more often than not, both genres got classified under the same banner these days. “I’m not to sure if we have anything on reincarnation specifically but if we do it's over here. Feel free to look as long as you want, we're still open for a few more hours so take your time!”

Both of them smiled at you warmly and thanked you profusely.

“It was no trouble, please let me know if I can help with anything else.” You were trying to make a speedy exit. You needed to think, and breath, and process what was going on. But you couldn't do that around their confusing and suffocating presence.

“Oh don't worry Sweets, we'll be sure to let you know when that happens.” Hizashi said in a rather provocative way, obviously trying to get a reaction out of you.

You didn't respond, simply gave a nod and turned on your heel and began heading straight for the restroom.

Once inside with the door shut and locked tight, you suddenly felt the strangeness of this situation hit you all at once. You ran to the toilet and puked, small quiet tears running down your cheeks as you hyperventilate. ‘What the hell is going on here?!’ Why the fuck do those two look like them?!’

It wasn't just a passing resemblance either, it was like they stepped right out of your mind and into reality. You just couldn't handle this right now. “Maybe they'll have not found anything and left already.” You said to yourself hopefully and decided to give yourself a few more minutes of isolation before going back out there.

Your prayers went unanswered though as you stepped out to see them at the counter, one book in hand and warm smiles on their faces. “You okay there sweetling, you're looking a little pale?”

You waved off the concern and booked it to the register to ring up their purchase. The sooner they paid, the sooner they would leave. At least… you hoped they would.

“I hope you found everything you needed!” You sounded totally fake even to yourself.

Shouta gave a low chuckle, “No, not everything. But I’m sure we'll get what we need very soon.”

Something about the way he said that sent chills up your spine. It almost sounded like a warning. “W-well if you have something specific that you're looking for we can try and order it for you.” Your reply is automatic and as the men share a look, you feel like your being left out of an entire conversation that is taking place right in front of you.

“We’ll be sure to keep that in mind.”

“Well I hope the two of you have a good evening, please come again!” You gave a short bow to them both.

“Come on! No need to be so formal! You seem like a real sweet girl, you should give us your digits so we can hang out sometime. We know some pretty awesome places to go have some fun.” The blonde suggests, leaning across the counter space and ever closer to you, a large toothy grin on his face.

Without thinking you reply, “Sorry, my boss's have a strict policy about employee/customer relations. Immediate termination if fraternization is found. I like my job so I’d rather keep it. Sorry again.” There was no such rule or policy enforced, but they didn't need to know that.

They give each other that same look again. “That's too bad. We're new to the area and were hoping to meet some new people to hang out with.” Shouta replied, both wore the same dejected look. It almost made you feel bad for fibbing. Almost…

“The folks around here are really great, I’m sure you guys won't have to hard of a time meeting some new people!” You really hoped they would leave or that another customer would come in. Anything to end this weird conversation!

For a moment, the two men frowned, like you said something awful. But they quickly bounced back, “Well I’m sure we'll be seeing you around either way. We’ll be sure to come back here if we need anything else! Right Shouta!?”

Shouta gave a much quieter response then his friend, “Yes, I’m sure we're on the fast track to becoming regulars for you.”

‘I certainly hope not.’‘ You thought bitterly as you finished saying your goodbyes and watched them walk out the door. If you never saw these men again it would be far far to soon for your liking.

--------

Back in their home in the Heavens and laying in their bed, the two gods of Life and Death basked in the happiness they felt at being in your physical presence for the first time so long.

Hizashi himself was a literal walking bundle of sunshine. “Oh Shouta! I know we've been watching her all her life and sending her those dreams for years, but to be in her presence again after eons apart! The memories didn't do her justice, her voice alone was enough to make my mind go blank.”

Shouta also gave a lighthearted smile, “Yes, and the way she seemed so shy and nervous after she recognized us from the dreams. It really was so sweet and precious. She was such a raging spit viper in the past, I rather like this quiet, demure version of her. Almost seems a shame to waste it by giving her memories back.”

The God of Life nodded along with his opposites words. “Yes, she's going to be quite angry once she remembers everything. Why don't we just forget about the medicine and bring her here as is? Start over completely! New and fresh?”

“Do you truly want that? For her to not remember anything about our time together in the past? Because I don't, I want her to remember the day we met, the time we spent getting to know her, the first time we made love to her. I want her to be able to understand how hurt we were the day she took herself from us!” Shouta’s eyes were beginning to flash red as his hair moved in an unseen wind. “I want to know why she did it in the first place, so that we can do better for her, be better for her. And…” Shouta trailed off here as if he was unsure if he should continue or not.

Hizashi reached out to take his lovers face in his hands and promoted him to continue, “And?”

Shouta took a deep breath, “And perhaps I wish to punish her for it... we have suffered for five thousand years without her, and it just doesn't seem fair that she should get to live in blissful ignorance of what she has put us through. That's why I want her to remember Zashi.”

A mouth was on his as soon as he finished, a warm wet tongue tangled with his own as he readily responded. The kiss lasted a while longer before both deities reluctantly pulled back.

A smug Hizashi stared down on his other half with lusty eyes, “Very well, I can see your point, we will give her the medicine. But what do we do now that we've made her aware of us outside of the dreams? Do we simply bring her home, or do we wait and play it by ear? I want her here with us, so that she can be safe and happy. It took all my willpower in that shop not to just grab her and bend her over the counter. I can't wait to much longer Shou! So what is the plan? I know you have one.”

Shouta's smile was positively feral, “This is what we will do,...”

--------

The rest of the night went smoothly -despite your nagging fear over the two lookalikes- and you tried your best to be as productive as possible until it was time to close up the shop for the night.

Since you got all your cleaning done so much sooner than usual, it was a relatively easy close. All you really had to do was count down the till and check to make sure all the doors and windows were locked. Easy peasy!

You were excited to get out the door so quickly after such a slow -and admittedly frightening- evening. All you wanted was to get to the comfort of your home where you could relax and breath easy. Tomorrow was the start of your weekend and you had every intention of staying home the entire time!

After checking that the place was locked up you headed for the door. You felt the bitter cold air as soon as you stepped outside, it was a clear night so it was much colder than the overcast day had been. And quiet too, you noted. Not unusual for you, all the other businesses closed at least an hour or two before you, and no bars or restaurants for a few blocks meant that you rarely saw a single soul this late at night. You still kept a switchblade in your coat pocket and pepper spray in your purse though, just in case…

You locked the door and had just started walking when you heard it, the telltale sound of snow and ice crunching under heavy footsteps, two sets. You had a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that you knew who was going to be there when you turned around. You wanted so bad to be proven wrong.

“Well look who it is! Our new favorite bookstore worker! Just closing up shop sweetling?”

Yup, you were right... unfortunately. You turned around and there they were, still dressed in the same clothes and with warm smiles adorning their handsome faces. “Y-Yes, I was just on my way home.” You said, not bothering to put on the fake customer service enthusiasm you had earlier. You hoped they would take the hint and let you go on your way.

They were much closer to you now, only a few feet away, when Shouta spoke next. “You seem awfully tired there Kitten, and it's quite the hour for a pretty young lady like you to be walking the streets so late at night. We'll walk you home.”

Your eye twitched at the use of that nickname, you didn't know these two well enough for them to act so familiar with you. And they never would if you had it your way. “That's not necessary, I live close by and I'm used to walking this la-”

You were cut off by Shouta’s firm voice, “We insist. We'll walk you.” It was practically an order. And it made you bristle. You were just about to tear into him when you were cut off again, this time by the blonde.

“Sorry, what Shouta means to say is that we live in the direction you were going. We have to walk the same way anyway and we just wouldn't feel right NOT walking you this late at night. Come on, don't make us go home worried sick about weather you made it home safely or not. Pretty please?”

You knew this wasn't normal. Meeting two guys -at the same time- who look identical to the men from your dreams, the way they just happen to run into you as your getting off work, that they live in the same direction as you. You wanted so badly to tell them to fuck off and leave you alone, to hightail it and run as far and as fast as you could away from them, but you didn't. You weren't that kind of person, you overthink and over analyze situations that make you feel uncomfortable. Just like now, you couldn't help but think that maybe they really were just trying to be nice, that it was just a coincidence they looked so similar. But another part of you thought that if you did tell them what you really wanted to say, it could backfire on you at work, they could come in and say something to your boss and coworkers. Make it sound like they were just trying to be Good Samaritans and you were being a self-righteous bitch. You needed this job more than you needed your backbone, you thought. So you caved…

“W-well if it's not out of your way, than sure. I could u-use the company.” You know you've made a mistake the second the words leave your mouth.

Both men beamed at your agreement. “Great! Then lead the way Sweetling!” They each took a stand on either side of you as you begin to walk.

Hizashi fills the silence with chatter and small talk while Shouta chimes in every now and then. They ask basic and harmless things, things like; “Do you enjoy working at the bookstore? Have you lived in the neighborhood long? What kinds of things are there to do?” You answer some of them honestly, but some you fib on or give vague nondescript answers. They don't seem to notice, and if they do they don't mention it.

Soon -but not soon enough- the three of you are standing outside your building. It's a modest three story complex, relatively new and decently maintained and you live on the third floor in a small one bedroom flat. You refrain from breathing a sigh of relief while still in their presence. “Well, this is me. Thanks again for walking me home.”

“It was no trouble. Me and Zashi are always happy to help. Especially when such a pretty face is involved.” If this was any other man flashing you that sexy smile you would have gone weak in the knees, all you felt right now was a desire to kick them both.

“Yeah! It was so nice meeting such a cutie right off the bat! And we got to run into you again, that's gotta be fate, right?!” Hizashi says dreamily. Was it just your imagination or had they moved closer to you.

You chuckled nervously, “W-who can s-say? M-maybe, I don't k-know.” They were definitely closer.

“ I'm positive it was! We couldn't stop thinking about you all night! We're so happy to see you again (Y/N)!” Hizashi kept gushing.

You froze in absolute terror. How did he know your real name!? They were still taking turns praising you when you spoke. “How do you know my name?”

Shouta was the first to take notice of your tense tone. “What was that Kitten?”

You didn't bother being polite this time, “I said how the hell do you know my name?! I never gave it to you!” You took a step back and freaked when you felt the brick wall of your building behind you instead of the door.

They looked at each other in that same way from earlier, speaking without words.

“Calm down, you gave us your name when we introduced ourselves in the shop.”

“Yeah, don't you remember? It was even on your name tag.”

If you hadn't heard it so clearly you might have believed them, but you had heard it and you weren't buying their bullshit excuse.

“No! I gave you a fake name in the store, the one you just said is my real birth name! How do you know it?!” Your breathing was labored and you felt lightheaded. A panic attack maybe? You needed to calm down and think straight.

They looked at you for a moment longer, faces blank of any emotion. And then Hizashi laughed, scratching the back of his head like he just made a simple mistake . “Whoops, guess I kind of blew our cover. Sorry Shou, I got carried away and wasn't thinking before I spoke.”

Shouta meanwhile simply shook his head and cuffed him in the arm. “Great job Loudmouth, now we have to move things along faster thanks to your carelessness.”

You were dumbfounded, completely lost as to what was going on in front of you. “What the hell do you two freaks think this is?! Some kind of sick joke?! Because I'm not laughing! What I’m doing is going straight to the cops.” You regretted that last line as soon as you said it because both men's eyes were instantly on you. Bad idea to admit you were going to go to the fuzz. Now you felt like a cornered animal. Like pray. And when your flight or fight response kicked in, you ran to the left, your switchblade and pepper spray completely forgotten in your panicked state. Or tried to anyway.

Two sets of impossibly strong arms grabbed you and shoved you back up against the cold brick wall, a hand covering your mouth to block your screams. Not enough to truly hurt or bruise, but just enough to knock the air from your lungs. Your eyes fell closed for just a second and when you opened them again you were greeted by a sight you only ever saw in your dreams.

They stood before you in ancient but elegant robes, radiating a strange and inhuman aura. Hizashi was dressed in green and emerald, ornate jewelry catching the light from the street lamps above. Shouta was in simple gray and black. Where as before they had only LOOKED like them now they WERE them. They were still smiling like nothing was wrong.

“Oh you won't be doing that Songbird, those pretty little lips aren't going to be singing for anyone but us ever again.” The blonde leaned in closer to whisper huskily in your ear, his warm breath fanning over your numb ear and making you shiver. “You have no idea how amazing it feels to be touching you like this again. You feel so soft Sweetling, I could just devour you right here and now.”

You had gone into shock for a few moments at the drastic change in them, both in physicality and in personality. But as soon as you felt the undeniable press of his hardening groin against your hip, you absolutely lost it. Thrashing, shaking your head, trying to scream through the hand that still covered your mouth and kicking out your legs, but it did you no favors as you soon found yourself too tired to move.

It only seemed to egg the blonde on further when you heard him groan -not in pain- but in pleasure. “Keep that shit up and I’m not gonna be able to hold back.” He said, grinding himself against you harder. You ceased all movement.

“Enough. It's far too cold to be doing that here Zashi. We can enjoy ourselves once we have her safe and sound at home, and warmed up.” Shouta said as casually as if he was ordering a pizza. You began to thrash again with renewed vigor, tears ran down your face and you felt his hand become slick with your drool from your muffled screams.

Hizashi pouted and rolled his eyes, “Fine fine, but it will be a lot easier to get everything ready if she was asleep.”

“I'm one step ahead of you. Do you want to or should I?

“You. I don't think I could hold myself back if I do it.”

“Alright, just take your hand off her mouth when I tell you too.”

This was your chance! As soon as your mouth was free you could scream for help! Even if it was only a second, you had to try! You closed your eyes and waited with bated breath for the pressure on your face to ease up.

“Now.”

The hand was gone. “SOMEONE HEL-” The Hand was replaced with a mouth. Shouta's mouth slammed against yours in a bruising kiss and you felt some kind of bitter tasting liquid slide down your throat. It took you a second to realize that he was still kissing you, sliding his tongue against yours and groaning into your mouth, probably in an effort to keep you quiet while whatever he forced you to drink kicked in. Which wasn't taking long as you felt your mind going hazy and your eyes getting heavy. Well, you weren't going to just take it without a fight, the moment you felt his tongue in your mouth again you bit down. Hard!

He pulled back with a curse shot you a disgruntled look as he spat blood onto the street. “That wasn't very nice. Maybe I was wrong and she dose still have some of that fire left.”

Your mind was foggy and your knees gave out on you, Hizashi caught you before you could hit the frozen ground. “G-go f-f-fuck y-yourselves!”

Both of them just grinned down at you and reached out to stroke your cheeks and hair. Your arms felt heavy, you couldn't even fight back at this point. You were slipping away fast.

“Don't worry Kitten, we'll explain everything once we get you home and you wake up. Things will all make sense soon, we promise.”

“We’ll do better this time. We won't let you get away from us, we've worked too hard to get you back. But we'll tell you all about that after you get some sleep. Just rest for now, your perfectly safe with us Sweetling. We love you so much!”

That was all you heard before sleep claimed you. Your last thought was that you hoped your sleep would be black. The last thing you wanted was to dream and have to see their faces again.

I hope everyone enjoys this extra long chapter, the next one will probably be about the same length, if not just a bit longer! If you have the time please let me know what you thought. I was incredibly worried about the pacing I set for it. I feel like it was too rushed.

As I said before, thank you again to @jadepillar18 for the inspiration on this story!

Enjoy!

#yandere!erasermic #yandere!erasermic x reader #yandere!aizawa #yandere!hizashi #yandere!aizawa x reader #yandere!hizashi x reader #fem!reader #reader insert #aizawa x hizashi #yandere bnha #bnha #gods au #kidnapping #stalking #typical yandere behavior

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seraphiixa · 4 years

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In depth character questions. anon said: For the character question meme: 1, 3, 20

1. Death is an inevitable part of life. What is your character’s experience with death? Have they had someone close to them die? Have they ever killed someone? How did these events affect them? Have they been able to move on? What do they believe happens to people when they die? And why? How does your character feel about death? Do they feel at ease, or uncomfortable with the idea of dying?

Most of Lyra’s family is still alive, thank goodness. Her grandparents all passed away in peace during her childhood due to natural causes, and her parents and her siblings are all still alive. She has, however, removed quite a few people from this world. Due to her extremely cold upbringing, she was taught to regard criminals very harshly, and so if she was unable to capture a pirate or criminal and was forced to neutralize them instead, she did so without hesitation or questioning. It’s part of her job; every soldier in any branch of any military cannot question their actions with the enemy, or else they’d never step foot on the battlefield. Frankly, she doesn’t think about it too much. It’s just a part of her life.

Lyra thinks there is an afterlife, though she isn’t sure what it’s like. She imagines clouds and light and reunions and happiness. Lyra isn’t afraid of dying, but she is afraid of leaving her life behind. She has a daughter and does not want to leave her alone in the world; she’s also afraid of what parts of history that have not yet come to pass that she will miss out on.

3. Religiousness is the ritual act of spirituality, it refers to devoutness and piety. Is your character religious? Are they part of a large, organized religion, or a smaller, more personal one? How do they express piety and devotion? is this important to them? Or do they do it out of obligation. When did they begin their habits and why? Is it something they were raised in or something they learned as they grew older?

Lyra is not religious. Her home island has a minority of residents who believed in the ‘old gods’, which are highly reminiscent of what we know in our world as the Hellenic deities, and Lyra is very familiar with them and celebrates the islands’ festivals with them, but she doesn’t take it very seriously. She doesn’t mind recounting stories and talking about it, but this religion has not been widely practiced on her home island in many hundreds of years. She thinks most people just do it to keep up with tradition.

20. Not all relationships are healthy, or are even good for us. Has your character ever had any unhealthy, toxic, or abusive relationships? How did your character know the other person in the relationship? If and when did your character realize that this relationship was unhealthy? Was the toxicity mutual, or one-sided? What sort of behaviors, from one, or both parties, defined this unhealthy relationship? Has your character been able to move on from this relationship, or are they still ‘stuck’ in it? If they are past the relationship —or writing from a perspective where they are past it— talk about how your character reflects on it. Is there regret? A sense of satisfaction? Or have they not allowed it to affect them? Could they or would they make amends, if possible?

Violence, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse under the cut.

Lyra’s marriage was extremely toxic. Her husband was violent, emotionally abusive, sexually abusive, and physically abusive to her. It was somewhat of a quasi-arranged marriage; her parents had insisted she come home to Heraklion Island to meet a young Lieutenant who was stationed there with the intentions of the pair marrying. Lyra did so, at age 22, and they were married for two years. Her former husband’s abuse began only a few weeks after they got married.

It was small at first, like most abusive relationships. He contradicted her constantly, belittled her, and tried to make career decisions for her. He routinely gaslighted her, manipulated her, and tried to embarrass her in front of her family. He regarded her in a highly misogynistic way, fully expecting her to stay home and be a trophy wife so he could remain in the Navy, telling her they needed to have children even though she didn’t want any kids. When she made it clear she was not getting out of the Navy nor did she plan on reproducing, the physical abuse began.

Her former husband never beat her (or so, that’s what Lyra would claim) but he did very often push her around, shove her into walls, grab her roughly enough to leave bruises, and pull her by her hair to shout into her face. He broke her wrist on one occasion, and gave her a black eye on another when he pushed her face into the railing of a stairwell. This violence always came about when they were in the middle of arguments, so Lyra would make excuses for him and take on the blame for it --- saying she shouldn’t have shouted at him, that she started it, etc etc. She would avoid going to the hospital at all costs in case it raised questions. After all, she was an upstanding Lieutenant in the Navy; she didn’t want anyone to think that she was weak or needed help. She stayed because she was content... It was always the same answers when her friends asked her why she stayed: ‘... It could be worse, it’s not like he beats me, I don’t want to have to start all over, I don’t want to admit that I failed, it’s not as bad as some other marriages, it could be worse...’

Due to the stress of having to live in a marriage that was failing on all fronts, Lyra lost all sex drive. He would pressure her constantly for sex until she finally gave in, oftentimes just laying there and letting him do what he wanted to get him to stop asking. This went on for months. One time that this happened, Lyra was on top, listless and doing the bare minimum, until he said he was about to ejaculate. She tried to get off of him in order to not get pregnant (because she knew for sure at this point that she did not want a child with him), and he grabbed her hips and held her down on him, forcibly ejaculating inside her.

That was how Epone was conceived --- against Lyra’s will.

She spent the night screaming at him over it, throwing his things and demanding that he GET OUT of her house, to which he threw things at her and shouted obscenities, as well. She demanded a divorce. He refused to leave. A few weeks later, after not speaking to each other in the house, Lyra went to the doctor because she felt strange and somewhat nauseated. She learned she was pregnant and made nice with her husband that afternoon. She knew she couldn’t leave now. At not until the baby was born.

When Epone was born, Lyra fell into a deep and severe postpartum depression. She spent a few more months at home with a husband she didn’t want and a baby she didn’t want, and finally went to the courts to forcibly divorce her husband when Epone was seven months old. She left, leaving Epone in his care, and very rarely goes back --- and only to see Epone. She has a bittersweet relationship with her daughter; she barely knows her because she is gone most of the time, and Epone is a physical reminder of the night her husband raped her and forcibly impregnated her.

Lyra only realized a few months into the abuse what was happening. Things like this don’t start out all at once; she thought that maybe she just didn’t know him well enough when they got married, but then she realized he was a completely different person than how he presented himself. She wanted a divorce long before she ever vocalized it. There were so many reasons she didn’t divorce him immediately. She was afraid to be alone. She was afraid to admit she failed. She thought that perhaps she didn’t have a good enough reason to divorce him. She was afraid to let her parents down.

Lyra is not past this. She has not processed it. As soon as they were officially divorced and she returned to the Navy, she gave extremely little thought to it and threw herself into work. She does not want to think about it; she wants to pretend it never happened. Which, admittedly, is not healthy in the slightest. Lyra does not reflect on it, think about it, or have any opinions about what happened, she just wants to carry on as though ages 22-24 never happened for her.

She does not want to make amends with her former husband. All he is to her is the father of her daughter; Lyra acknowledges that he is, at least, a good father. Epone is happy, healthy, and loved, and that’s all that Lyra needs.

#x. ... anon.#x. ... thank you for sending this!#x. ... biography.#x. ... headcanon.#x. ... long post.

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commentaryvorg · 4 years

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entirely fair and accurate takes on kaitos love suite event, honestly one of main reasons kaitos event is my favourite is because it doesn't get uncomfortably nsfw vibes like some of the others' (especially considering they're all teenagers AND it's pretty non-consensual... big yikes). but also, as his "ideal", the best outcome would be the object of affection returning his feelings, but in the fantasy, again, his "ideal", he didn't believe it would happen. that seems pretty bad.

Yeeaah, I’ve very deliberately never read a lot of other characters’ Love Suite events and am even more sure about never ever doing so, based on what I’ve gathered about them. Compared to those, I’m sure Kaito’s really is pretty tame and reasonable and one of the better ones, not that there’s a very high bar here.

I get what you’re saying now about how he theoretically should expect his feelings to be reciprocated at least in this “ideal fantasy” where he gets everything he wants - I didn’t quite pick up on that specific point before. That’s an interesting thought, but after considering it… I’m not entirely sure that’s how the fantasies work?

If it really was 100% perfectly “ideal”, then every single thought and action should be something that makes the character happy. But if that was the case, then it might just come across as too perfectly ideal for them to even be able to feel like it’s realistic at all. I went and reread some of the other tamer scenes that I’d read before to check how this is generally handled (Rantaro’s, Ryoma’s and Gonta’s are all nicely platonic), and, yeah, they’re all like this. Rantaro’s sisters are still missing and he’s having to abandon his surrogate younger-sibling-figure to search for them; most of Ryoma’s loved ones are still dead and he outwardly insists that his former manager wouldn’t want to stay with him; Gonta messes up in his attempts to be the perfect gentleman because he knows he still has a lot to learn. The events are still bound by that person’s reality and by how they expect things to work for them. They’re getting a nice reprieve from their troubles, but things aren’t completely perfect and happy. (The one partial exception to this is that Maki never became an assassin in her fantasy and seems to genuinely not remember that part of her life during the dream. That’s interesting, but I’m not sure if there’s actually a significant reason for why she’s the only one, given that Ryoma’s problems are just about as bad as hers. She’s still an orphan, though, so things still aren’t perfect for her.)

So I don’t think that the fact that love-suite-Kaito doesn’t expect his feelings to be reciprocated is any more meaningful than him hypothetically not expecting that in real life. The hotel’s magical dream powers (usually) don’t actually warp a person’s outlook to make them see the world any differently to how they normally do, nor to expect things they wouldn’t reasonably expect in reality, no matter how much they might want them.

(anon also added some tag commentary in their reblog of the initial post that I want to respond to a bit as well)

#i never really thought that the love suite events were *really* that character heavy so mostly the ask was a sudden realisation p late

I agree with you that evidently most of them really aren’t that much about the characters at all (well, presumably, though of course I’ve only seen some of the tamer ones). But here’s the thing - at least some of them could be, in theory, and a couple of them are. Rantaro’s and Ryoma’s are really pretty good - they’re relevant to their issues and give some more insight into their backstories and how they deal with their difficulties in ways that we don’t get to see much of in canon, considering that they both die so early on. (Rantaro’s in particular I might even go so far as to call my favourite piece of Rantaro content - when I reread it earlier I found myself having some Thoughts that may turn into a post of their own.) The “ideal fantasy” concept has potential to be more than just a lazy excuse for romantic and sexual stuff and to actually be used as a tool for some interesting character exploration. It’s just that, unfortunately, most of the time that either didn’t occur to the writers, or they just didn’t care.

It’s kind of like how most characters’ Harmonious Heart events are about something reasonably superficial or at most the character worrying about something they’d already told Shuichi about in their FTEs. Nearly all of them just range from almost no character insight at all, to maybe some but not much more than what we got from their FTEs. …Then there’s Kaito’s, which makes absolute maximum use of the potential of the “Shuichi gains inexplicable mindreading powers” premise to explore the core of Kaito’s issues and allow Shuichi to help him with them to an extent that is simply not possible in any of Kaito’s more regular content, and it’s the best. And, sure, I don’t think anyone else quite has such stubbornly-hidden issues that practically require mindreading to fix them to the point that their Harmonious Heart events could ever be quite as good as Kaito’s. But there’s definitely some characters who I feel could have had one that’s more relevant to their most interesting issues than what they actually got, if the writers had really thought about using this concept to its fullest potential for them.

So, well, I do think it would have been possible for Kaito’s Love Suite event to genuinely be really character-driven (and if that were the case I would personally have also preferred it to not be romantic at all). There are things you could do with the “ideal fantasy” concept that could absolutely be very deliberately about his issues.

What if it drew off Kaito’s deeply-buried subconscious need to have someone he could safely talk to about his weaknesses and worries, without having to be afraid of letting them down by telling them all this? And then, as Kaito vents to him about his worries in the dream, Shuichi realises with dawning horror that he’s the person Kaito’s terrified of admitting any of this to in reality, and that Kaito has no idea that Shuichi’s actually hearing every bit of it right now. And to keep up the “ideal fantasy”, because Kaito reacts very negatively if he tries to do otherwise, Shuichi has to just play along and agree with Kaito’s unhealthy outlook and be all, “Yeah, don’t worry, I won’t tell any of this to your sidekicks, your secret’s safe with me,” even though he wants to do the exact opposite because he knows that’s the best way to help. (That’d be a neat deconstruction of the dodgy non-consensual aspect of the place in a way that didn’t even have to get all nsfw about it.) …Admittedly this would be along rather similar lines to the Harmonious Heart event Kaito already has and probably not quite necessary next to it, but, you know, just as a proof-of-concept example.

Or, instead of that, to make it something different, they could have still made it about the rival thing, but not have the romance be the main point (or not even there at all). Instead, we’d actually spend the scene properly exploring the concept like you talked about: that in some ways Kaito feels more at ease around a rival than a sidekick because there’s no expectation to be completely invincible, that if they’re evenly matched then he’s supposed to lose sometimes as well as win, to be weak as well as strong, and that’s okay. We could even sort of combine this with my previous idea and have Kaito end up kind of accidentally venting a little to his rival about his worries, and then saying, “Y’know, it’s weird. I could never tell any of this to my sidekicks. But it doesn’t matter if you know all this, ‘cuz that doesn’t change the fact that I’m gonna beat you!” Or something like that. Your asks made me realise that I’d actually really enjoy some proper exploration of how Kaito feels about the concept of rivals, and it makes me so frustrated that the only time the game does touch on this topic to any extent is unnecessarily focused on obligatory romance and not really about his issues at all.

#anyway thanks for answering my ask i really loved your commentary it really made me think about why i liked kaitos arc so much

You’re welcome; I’m glad you enjoyed the commentary! Again, I am so happy I could help people who already liked Kaito realise even more of how great he is. :3

#danganronpa v3 #reply #your ask didn't come across as passive-aggressive at all so no worries!#i was a little worried i'd somewhat overdone the grumpy-aro-ness in the last post but it seems like you didn't mind #so we're all good #Anonymous #danganronpa v3 spoilers #(oh right i forgot; readmores on asks don't /work/ on this blog theme for some stupid reason)#(goddammit)

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faithhudson · 4 years

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Raise Your Glass || Fae & Evan 07.01

Fae

Fae wondered to herself what the hell she’d been thinking. Yes, she was learning and growing or whatever Sawyer thought she was doing, but that didn’t mean she should have volunteered to spend time with Evan. She was still a Hummel, still one of the people her mother had insisted were family when she knew better than that, and the fact was that spending time with her wasn’t something Fae had ever volunteered to do before. But when Evan had messaged because she needed to go into town and couldn’t do so without an escort, Fae had somehow convinced herself that it was a good idea to say yes. An idea she was very much regretting.

“Hey,” she greeted Evan with a half-hearted wave. “You ready to go? The shuttle will take us into town.”

Evan

She had been extremely surprised when Fae had agreed to go into town with her. This would be the first time, in ever, that Fae had agreed on her own account to do something with her. Evan wasn't even sure what had prompted her to ask Fae to go with her. Before she had arrived at the institute, Evan had made peace with the fact that she and Fae would never have any relationship with one another. And yet, when she had arrived, the fellow Switch had offered to get her some things from Florida. It had felt like a step in the right direction and she supposed she felt like she needed to try and take a step in that direction as well.

"Hey, sounds good." She agreed with a nod, already feeling the awkwardness. But it was better than an angry tension. She was glad for the change, however small. "Thanks for coming." Evan said, stepping onto the shuttle and finding an empty seat.

Fae

There was still a part of her that wanted to turn tail and run, but it was too late for that now. She’d been a bitch and worse to Evan over the years, but Fae simply didn’t seem to have it in her anymore. The Hummels weren’t her family, and she still resented any insinuation that they were, but after years of little to no contact - and the way that Madeline seemed to be calming her worst instincts - it seemed harder to be angry anymore. “No worries,” she was still having a hard time finding friendly words, but she was doing her best to at least be okay company. She found the seat right in front of Evan and turned back to face her. “I was a little surprised you asked. But you can buy me a drink in town and we’ll call it even.”

Maybe that was a terrible idea, but Fae was worried about getting shaky again on the trip and having some alcohol in her system seemed like a possible solution.

Evan

"Honestly, I was surprised too. But here we are." Evan said with a slight shrug. "I honestly figured that you would have said no. But I can't say I'm mad that you didn't."

Evan wasn't a stranger to the issues that Fae had had throughout her teen and young adult years. It would be impossible to live in the Hudson-Hummel household without being knowledgeable about at least some of what Fae had done and struggled with. But she also knew that one couldn't change completely without taking some steps and it did seem like she was taking at least some element of a step forward. "Sure, Fae. I'll buy you a drink." She replied with a chuckle.

Fae

A smile tugged at Fae’s lips, surprising even her. “Honestly, I’d have figured that I’d say no too,” she admitted with a nod. “But I’m not mad about it either. You needed to get into town and I could help you, so I’m good with it. And even better because you’re going to buy me a drink,” she grinned. The coach roared to life, an unhealthy amount of black smoke billowing from the tailpipe, and she looked curiously out the window.

“Starting to wonder if this is an elaborate plot to kill us off and collect some kind of insurance policy,” she observed.

Evan

"I've seen some things that people have mentioned have happened. And honestly that wouldn't be surprising to me." She rubbed at her forehead and then wrinkled her nose. "Hopefully they can at least get creative with the way that they complete the task." Evan crossed her arms over her chest. "How are you feeling about this whole camping thing?" The Switch questioned, trying to make some conversation. It had been a long time since they'd had a long-ish conversation. She couldn't even remember the last time before the text convo they had had during the Florida trip.

Fae

“You mean that wide thing? Yeah, people have only talked to me about that in like...hushed whispers. I still don’t really know what they did.” Fae grinned at where Ev’s train of thought went. “Right? Like something better than ‘their bus went off the road,’ please.” She was grateful for the effort that Evan was making, because she was having a hard time finding conversation material with someone she hadn’t talked to properly in years. “I’m not much of a camper? But I can get some points out of it, have a drink, so it could be worse. How about you? Any of those…” her mind refused to spit out the word for a moment. “Excursions! Any of those excursions you’re excited about?”

Evan

"Yeah, the wide thing in general though. Sounds like people have been through some rough shit here. It's a little surprising." Evan explained. "Exactly! Not really what I'm looking for." The Hummel nodded as Fae expressed her opinion of the trip. "I think that the rock climbing will be fun. And hopefully everything else is exciting too. I'm also excited to get some points. It will be nice to make some progress on that front." She stated, wanting to make the most of every opportunity to get points.

Fae

“It doesn’t totally surprise me...I mean they did offer me a choice between this and jail, so I assumed it had to suck in at least a few ways. But I gotta say I’m a little surprised that they can like...out and out torture people. Even jail usually can’t do that.” Admittedly, she hadn’t spent that much time behind bars, but she knew at least that much. “They’re handy things to have, if you plan on getting out of here,” she smiled a smile that didn’t quite make it to her eyes. “I hope you have a blast with all of it. I don’t think I’ll be much of a rock climber.”

Evan

“It is surprising and a little unsettling. But who knows...it could be the same other places too. So I guess it’s you know...hopefully get out of here as soon as possible.” She noted the change in Fae’s face and hoped they could get back on track. “You don’t think so do you? What about exploring the caves? Do you think you’ll be any good at that?” There was tons of stuff that Evan didn’t know about Fae because the girl had never wanted to let her get to know her. Hopefully this would be the start of that changing. Even if they were never sisters, it would be nice to at least be friends.

Fae

“Could be,” she admitted. “I don’t really know anything about Institutes except what I learned in the flyer on the way here.” As many issues as she’d had with Evan, the last thing she wanted was for her to be stuck in Lima waiting on a claim. “Something tells me you won’t have problems there. People’ll be lining up.” She held up a hand, showing off a slight tremor that wasn’t caused by the coach’s rough movement. “Fine motor control’s not really great for rock climbing. But yeah, the caves actually sound like they could be fun. Long as I don’t get too lost.”

Evan

The compliment from the Hudson was a surprise that she hadn’t been expecting, but she was grateful for it nevertheless. “I don’t know about lining up, but it’s nice to hear.” Evan said. “That makes sense.” She mused, nodding her head slightly, biting down on her bottom lip. “Don’t stray too far from the group and I think you’ll end up just fine.” The Hummel expressed, smiling softly. “Just hoping that our entire trip ends up having nice weather. It would be suck to just be stuck within the tents the entire time.” Evan expressed, glancing out the window as the shuttle took them towards the town.

Fae

“People like to couple up here,” she shrugged. “You’re pretty, and it’s only a matter of time before you’re getting asked for scenes and that kind of thing.” Fae nodded, considering that. “Seems easy enough. We’ll see what happens when the time comes.” They’d actually slid into a fairly seamless conversation, and she didn’t want to stop it if she could help it at all. “Good point...do you know any of the people you’re with?”

Evan

“Scening and ending up with someone though…completely different things. We’ll see though.” The Switch uttered. “Anyone catch your eye?” She wasn’t sure if Fae would answer, but it didn’t hurt to ask. “Nope. None of them in my campsite are anyone that I have ever spoken to before. So that’s...fantastic.” The Switch said, shaking her head slightly and rubbing the back of her neck. “Only have to deal with it for a few hours for a few nights so I think that I can handle it.” Evan stated. “How about you? Do you know anyone that you’re sharing with?”

Fae

The coach turned off and began to slow, indicating that they’d made it into town. “You’re not wrong,” Fae admitted. “But one usually leads to another sooner or later. And all you can do is try, right?” She hesitated, trying to decide how much she wanted to share. “Someone I like...yeah. But I’m not really looking to saddle anyone with me for life.” A frown tugged at her lips, because being on the trip without anyone in her tent that she was friends with or even knew sounded shitty. “That’s good at least. And yeah, I’ve got Sawyer in mine, and Madeline - so two people I know.”

Evan

“Maybe so. But I’m not really in a rush.” Evan admitted, nodding when Fae said that there was someone she liked. “Hopefully you at least have fun with whoever they are.” She continued. “Well, you got lucky then. Good for you, Fae. Hopefully you have some fun.” Evan uttered. It sucked that she was with people she didn’t know, she had to be honest, but at least it was only for a little while each night. She could make it through that without too much of a hassle. When the bus stopped completely, she hopped out of the bus after Fae and glanced around. “So I just need to get a new bathing suit. Because the one I brough decided it had had enough of being a bathing suit.”

Fae

“Oh hell, no. I mean you’ve got lots of time before you’re thirty, and you don’t have to throw yourself at anyone just because you feel rushed.” She nodded, a little smile on her face. “Yeah, we have some fun. We’re doing a scene while we’re here, actually.” It did suck that Evan was stuck with strangers. “Drop by and visit anytime, I’m sure Sawyer would like to see you.” Fae led the way off the bus, wobbling a little on her feet as she waited for Evan. “Oh damn - bad timing. Yeah, there’s probably a dozen places in town that sell ‘em. Pick a direction and I’ll follow after you.”

Evan

“Exactly. As long as I’m sceneing and working on getting the points, I’ll be happy with the progress. There’s someone I talked to who graduated really quickly and didn’t get to take all of the classes that he wanted and I honestly don’t want that for myself. If I’m actually going to leave here with someone I’m supposed to spend forever with, I kind of want to have experienced as much as possible here.” She shrugged. “What are you doing, if you don’t mind me asking? I’m doing a scene as well. And I’m...a little nervous about it.” At the offer, she smiled softly. “Thank you, Fae. I’ll probably take you up on that.” She chuckled and nodding at her words. “Terrible timing but that’s sure what I’m hoping for.” She glanced both ways down the street and then made her way to the left.

Fae

While she didn’t plan on graduating, ever, what Evan was saying made perfect sense - if you were supposed to leave with your claim and knowledge, why rush through it? “Yeah, I can understand that. You’ve got till you’re thirty, so it’s not like you need to be out of here tomorrow.” Fae shook her head. “I don’t mind. We’re doing fire drumming, which is basically what it sounds like. How come yours is worrying you?” Fire was damn scary stuff, especially when you had to trust someone not to burn you. Following after Evan, Fae took the chance to look around the town a little - it was quaint, but still crowded.

Evan

“That sounds pretty exciting honestly. I hope that it’s a good time for you.” When she was questioned about why she was worried, she paused. “We’re trying fire flogging. And I don’t know...I’m just nervous. The person I’m doing it with says that she’s experienced, and I don’t think that she’s lying, but it’s far from what I have ever done before.” Evan answered, surprised that they were actually sharing things like this with one another. It wasn’t something that she had ever imagined would be happening. Finding a small little shop, she stepped inside. If there was nothing there, they could always check out a different place, but she would never know if she didn’t try.

Fae

“I think it should be pretty cool. It’s supposed to be relaxing, or at least that’s what the stuff I read says.” She stayed in step with Evan as they walked, eyes widening when she found out what the Hummel had in mind - she had read about the fire flogging during her research, but that had sounded too intense. “Damn. I mean, color me kind of impressed - I hope it goes okay, and it turns out you didn’t have any reason to be nervous.” She followed Evan inside and let her eyes adjust to the dim light.

Evan

“That sounds nice. I’m hoping that it goes well for you.” Evan smiled, truly hoping that for the other Switch. “I’m hoping that it’s something that I didn’t actually need to be worried about too. But it feels good to be trying something. Even if it’s something that seems this wild. As long as I come out on the other side I will consider it a win.” Evan uttered, shaking her head slightly. “If not, get Saywer to tell my dad I loved him.” She said with a soft laugh. Noting a section of bathing suits near the back, Evan made her way towards them. “So, you willing to tell me honestly if a bikini looks good or bad?”

Fae

“Thanks,” Fae nodded. They were actually cordial, and the conversation was flowing, and that was better than she could have expected. “It’s cool that you’re really going all out for this one, and I hope it goes really well.” She snorted. “I think you’ll be alright, but I’ll pass the message along if that happens.” Following Ev toward the back, Fae nodded. “Yeah, of course. I’ll be my usual brutally honest self.”

Evan

“I appreciate it, regardless.” She smirked when Fae said that she would be her usually brutally honest self. “Perfect. That’s exactly what I need right now. I knew there was a reason that I asked you to come along.” She teased, shaking her head in amusement. The conversation was going pretty smoothly and it was actually a lot easier than Evan had imagined that it would be, and she was grateful. She just hoped that they could continue taking steps forward instead of having them both take steps back after what had begun as a good day.

Fae

“Now it all makes sense,” she agreed with a laugh. “You knew there wasn’t anyone else who’d tell you the truth.” She looked through the racks as they passed, secure in the knowledge that most of what the town sold was to tourists. There was clearly no other explanation for some of it, and she hoped that most people who invested in clothes from the store threw them out immediately on getting home. Otherwise it would just be disheartening.

Evan

Looking through the racks of bathing suits, she found three that were the right size and that she thought might work well with her body and her skin tone. “Alright. I’ll go change into the first and you can tell me what you think.” If Burt and Carole could see them now, they wouldn’t have actually believed it. There was no fighting, Fae wasn’t running away from an interaction with Evan, it was actually good. She slipped on the first bathing suit, a plain black bathing suit that had looked good on the rack, but didn’t quite fit well enough. But she had told Fae she was there to judge and so she would let her. Stepping out of the dressing room, she quirked an eyebrow.

Fae

Amusing herself by watching the other shoppers go by and trying to guess what state they were from, Fae took a seat and waited for Evan to return in the first of her choices. It was hard to believe they’d been in the same place for this long and no one had died, but Fae found that it didn’t upset her. They could be friends, maybe, in time, as long as they didn’t have to be family. Playing candy crush on her phone after the tourist game got boring, she looked up as Evan stepped out and immediately wrinkled her nose. “Nope. Good color on you, but it’s...lumpy. That one’s a fail.”

Evan

She chuckled at Fae’s words and nodded her head. “I thought so too. Glad we’re in agreement with that. Here’s hoping for better with the next one.” She made her way back into the dressing room, setting that suit on the side of the room that she had deemed the nope pile. She slipped into the next suit, a purple choice this time. Evan thought that it fit better and it was definitely a maybe at the very least. She opened the door and placed a hand on her waist. “How do you feel about this one?”

Fae

“I’m glad too, I wouldn’t have wanted to break your heart,” Fae teased. She waited patiently as Evan tried on the second suit, and when she stepped out again she gave the girl a long once-over. “Fit’s definitely better. It suits you. I’m not a hundred percent sold on the color, but I could maybe warm up to it. If you can find something that isn’t purple, though, that might be better.”

Evan

She snorted slightly and shook her head. “If you haven’t broken my heart by now, I doubt there’s anyway that you could.” It might have been pushing it, but they both knew that things hadn’t been good between them and there was no point in trying to pretend that it had been. Moving forward was great if they could, but Evan was pretty sure that the only way that they would be able to move forward was through acknowledging the past. As Fae discussed her opinion on the bathing suit, she nodded. “I’ll put it in the maybe pile then. Maybe the next one will be what I’m looking for.” She stepped into the dressing room and put on the final choice she had from that store. It was similar to the feel and look of the purple with just small changes; but this time in red. She felt sexy in it and thought it might be a good choice, but she had brought a second opinion for a reason (even if part of that reason was because she couldn’t go alone). “So?”

Fae

Fae couldn’t resist laughing at that. They didn’t exactly have a great past, and it was more than a fair comment. “I’d say you’re right about that.” She nodded, letting Evan head back into the room and playing for a few more minutes on her phone before the door opened again and Evan stepped out. If she were boiled in oil she wouldn’t have admitted it, but...Evan actually looked hot. To the point that Fae was jealous. “That’s a winner. Hands down, solid gold, ten point oh. If you’re looking to turn heads on this trip, that’s the one I’d go for.”

Evan

The fact that Fae was offering her so many compliments had Evan knowing that it was the right choice to go with. Fae didn’t owe her anything and so speaking lies about how Evan looked in the bikini was pointless. Smiling, she nodded her head. “Then this is the one. I’ll get changed, pay, and then we’ll go get you that drink that I owe you.” The Switch offered, moving into the changing room for the final time. She changed out of the suit and back into the clothes that she was wearing. Making her way out of the changing room, she headed to the front of the store to offer the worker the payment that was due.

Fae

“Sounds like a plan,” Fae nodded. As Evan disappeared a store security guard wandered by and she immediately tensed up. She was in the store legally, on a trip sponsored by the school, and under supervision the whole time, but it didn’t stop the nerves. It wasn’t as if she’d had many interactions with police that were positive...or any, truth be told. Her hand shook a little more, but she managed a smile as he looked at her and she made a beeline for the cash register just in time to meet Evan there.

Evan

There was something off about Fae when she reached the cash, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. Not that the girl would tell her if she was right or not. She just hoped that as they moved forward, they could help her feel better about whatever had just happened. She paid for the bikini and then led the Hudson out of the store. “Alright...um...did you happen to see a place to get a drink when we were walking here? Because if I’m being honest, I wasn’t paying attention.”

Fae

As silly as it might have been, Fae found herself a bit shaken by the encounter. But she dragged her attention back to Evan as she spoke, immediately perking up at the idea of a drink. “Yeah, actually. There’s one across the street and like...two doors back. Looks like kind of a tourist trap, the ones with bartenders who all wish they were in Cocktail, but hopefully it’s bearable.” She pointed in the direction of the bar, which advertised itself with neon lights (even during the daytime, apparently). “Thanks for this. I definitely need a drink.” She didn’t know how many rounds she’d get away with, but anything was better than the craving.

Evan

“Well, I guess you get what you can get.” She winced at the look of the sign, but she knew that there wasn’t much that they could do about it and there probably wasn’t a ton available. As long as the drinks were good, then she supposed that they could deal. And she hoped that maybe they’d have a nice snack or two that Evan could dig into while they were there. She wasn’t sure if Fae would eat, but she could use a bit of food for the rest of the day. Walking towards the bar, she opened the door and let Fae walk in first and choose where they would sit, following after.

Fae

“Just once I want to find a town with a Coyote Ugly bar,” she joked as they walked. “Bunch of gorgeous women who serve drinks and dance on the tables? I mean come on.” Truthfully Fae wasn’t sure any of them were still in business anyway, but it would have been nice. The minute she stepped through the door, it felt like home. The smell of sour beer, the music from the jukebox, the chatter of the crowd - she knew it like the back of her hand. Guiding Evan to a table near the bar, she raised a hand in the air and was immediately found by the bartender. “Sex on acid, please,” she requested, looking to Ev for her order.

Evan

“I have to admit that I definitely wouldn’t complain about that at all. Though the strip bar might be as close as we end up getting.” Evan expressed, smiling at the other. While Fae knew immediately what it was that she wanted to drink, Evan took a quick look at the menu in front of her. “I’ll have the blue lagoon special please. And maybe some potato wedges, thank you.” She expressed, watching the bartender walk away to prepare their drinks and give the order to the kitchen.

Fae

“I have heard good things about the strip club, actually. I wouldn’t mind checking the place out someday.” Her fingers tapped in time to the music as she looked around, taking the place in. It was well-lit, the floor painted in a dark swirling pattern - much nicer than her usual haunt. “You know what this reminds me of?” she asked, snapping her fingers. “Hotel bar back home. The...Marriott, maybe. They had carpet, though...in a bar. Which honestly seemed like the worst idea of all time.”

Evan

“Yeah, I’ve heard good things too. Might not be a bad thing to go see.” She mused. “Hm?” The sound left her as Fae began her thought before she chuckled and nodded in agreement. “That was honestly the worst idea ever. I can’t even imagine who thought that was a good idea. Beyond dropping drinks, dropping food, dropping people...it seems like a complete disaster waiting to happen.” She mused, shaking her head. “Can only imagine how hated the carpet is by the people that work there.”

Fae

“If you get there before me, send me a review,” Fae grinned. “I’ll look forward to hearing all about it.” Nodding instant agreement, she tapped vigorously on the table. “Exactly! What kind of nitwit would actually think it was a good idea? I cannot imagine how many years of spilled beer and food was in that carpet. It used to be a bet, my friends and I - if anyone would put their mouth to the carpet we’d buy drinks for them for a month. And literally no one ever did it.” Which said something, given how much they loved to drink. As if summoned by magic, their drinks arrived.

Evan

“I’ll be sure to do that so long as you do the same for me if you get there first.” She paused. “Could always just go together and then we don’t have to worry about sending a review at all.” Evan wasn’t sure what Fae would say to that, but it was an idea and it was out there. If Fae said no, Evan wouldn’t be surprised and so it wouldn’t really hurt. It would be far from the first time that Fae had avoided doing something with her and at this point, Evan was just used to it. “Oh god...that is disgusting. I have some more respect for your friends that no one ever did it.” She said with a laugh. As the drinks arrived, she thanked the bartender and took a sip. It was pretty good, something she may order again.

Fae

“Fair deal.” Evan’s next statement made her pause. Until now she’d have immediately said no, possibly with a few choice words thrown in. But so far, at least in this one controlled experiment, they’d occupied the same space at the same time without either of them ending up hurt by what the other had to say. “Tell you what - let me know when you’re thinking of going, and if I’m free we can do that.” It was an olive branch, the sort of thing she’d talked about with Madeline, and it was worth a try. “I’m surprised I never did it, honestly, for a month of free drinks.” She palmed the shot carefully and slammed it back, not even blinking as it hit her throat. “That’s the stuff.”

Evan

She had been expecting a flat out no. A no that was so loud and so strong that Sawyer would have heard it back at the camp. And yet, that’s not what happened. It wasn’t a yes. Fae could still end up saying no down the road when Evan actually asked her to go again. But it was something. It was more than she would have gotten in the past. “Alright, sounds good.” She agreed, not wanting to be silent and make Fae seem like she wasn’t happy with that idea. It was something, however, that she wasn’t going to tell Sawyer, Eli, or anyone else from the Hummel clan though. “Want another?”

Fae

This careful peace between them might be too good to last, but at least it was holding for the moment. “I do, but you only promised one drink - I can take of round two when you’re ready for another.” Already she felt better, the familiar feeling of alcohol in her blood lessening the symptoms of being without for too long. Their potato skins arrived and she was surprised to find she could actually eat - they were deep fried and smelled perfect, and the bacon they were topped with was crispy and plentiful.

Evan

She hummed thoughtfully when Fae said that she would take the next round and she nodded her head in agreement. “Sounds good to me.” She spent the next little while finishing up her drink and had just finished when the food arrived. “Perfect. Thank you. Can I get another? Same drink as before please.” Evan expressed, turning her attention to the food. “That looks so damn good.”

Fae

“Another for me as well,” Fae greeted the waiter. Things were better now, she could relax and know that she wouldn’t start to shake in the middle of their meal. “It really does. That’s perfect bar food right there.” Not that tended to eat a lot when she was drinking, but she’d been in enough bars in her lifetime to know what a good snack looked like. “Mind if I grab one of those?”

Evan

"I don't mind at all. Go ahead, Fae." She responded, offering a smile as she took her own piece of the potato. She took a bite and hummed. "Delicious." She put a bit of the garlic aioli sauce that they offered on her next bite and moaned. "That's even better. So much better." She offered the dip to Fae so that the Hudson could try some as well.

Fae

“Thanks,” Fae grabbed herself one of the skins and bit into it, the combination of crunchy potato and cheese and bacon filling her senses. She hadn’t realized just how hungry she was until that first bite. “Really delicious,” she agreed, washing it down with some of the water they’d each been poured. “Ooh,” she murmured as she added a bit of the dip and took another bite. “Damn, that’s good.”

Evan

"Who knew this place was going to have such awesome food. I wonder if the rest of their menu is this good." Evan mused, finishing off the first skin before grabbing another. She was extremely famished and was glad to finally have some food in her system. The day together had gone well and part of Evan didn't want it to end, but she also didn't want to push it too far.

Fae

Swallowing her mouthful of food, Fae nodded. “It’s kind of a hidden gem, I gotta say. Even the drinks are alright, and they knew how to make a decent Sex on Acid without any prompting. If I was the kind of person to leave yelp reviews, they’d get a good one.” She shamelessly helped herself to another of the skins as well, glad to see the second round of drinks arrive.

Evan

She chuckled and nodded her head. "Maybe I'll leave a review for us them." Fae may not be the type, but Evan had left a few reviews in her lifetime. As the drinks arrived, she thanked the bartender again and took a long sip. It was delicious and definitely a way that would cool her down. Though she was also glad that she had a new bikini so that she could hop in the water when they got back to the camp.

Fae

“Fair enough,” Fae chuckled. When her second round arrived she reached out with one hand to hold the bartender before palming her shot with the other and tossing it back. “One more, please,” she handed the glass back and returned her attention to Evan. “What are you up to with the rest of your day?”

Evan

"I'm not too sure as of right now. I'll probably go swimming at some point and then maybe just hang out around where the camp fire will be. I have my scene tomorrow so I want to be well rested for that if I'm being honest." She drank this next drink slowly and glanced at the time on her phone. "We should probably head back after your next drink." She mused, glancing down at the quickly demolished potato skins. "What are you planning to do the rest of the day?"

Fae

While part of her - or most of her - would have been much more content to stay where she was and enjoy the cool of the bar for a while longer, three drinks would be enough to let her fly for the rest of the day. So she could let that go. “Makes sense. Sounds like the kind of thing that could really take a lot out of you, so resting up is a good plan.” The thought of being flogged with something that was on fire was enough to make her wince. “I’m not sure, honestly. I’ll probably just lay on the beach and listen to music or something. I don’t really have a lot of plans for while I’m here.”

Evan

"Yeah, I'm not too sure what it's going to be like so it can't hurt to prepare myself however I can." Evan expressed before listening to Fae's explanation of whay she would be doing. "That makes sense. Can't hurt to just take advantage of no classes regardless of where you are. Hopefully you have fun no matter what you do." She mused, finishing off her drink.

#thread: raise your glass #c: evan

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crystaljins · 5 years

Text

The ‘mum’ friend | 08

Characters: Jin x Reader

Word count: 2.1K

Synopsis: Jin’s a little tired of being the mum friend but that won’t stop him from buying people coffee.

Notes: I feel like there were a lot of things that surprised me while writing this. Getting into this Jin’s head was definitely unusual- I admittedly hadn’t thought about why he did a lot of what he does until I decided to write this from his point of view and then I was like “dang Jin get it together”

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Sometimes Jin is too nice for his own good. It’s not that he doesn’t enjoy helping others- the tiny smile Yoongi offers when Jin picks up the drink he likes from the convenience store or the warmth of seeing Jungkook curled up securely on his couch because he likes Jin’s place better than his own is so rewarding. He was raised in the kind of environment that having meant giving. And Jin has and so he gives. It’s just sometimes... he gives maybe a little too much. This is one of those times.

His ex attempts to diffuse the awkward tension in the air by sipping at her coffee.

“Thanks for agreeing to see me.” She says softly, still not quite bold enough to make eye contact. Both of them fall into an awkward silence.

Yoongi had told Jin to just ghost her but alas, his mother had raised him too well. Her constant texts and calls over the past few weeks told him she was struggling to move on, and what a decent human being would do is help her to finally let go. So he had reluctantly responded to her texts and agreed to meet with the intention of reminding her that the past is the past and clinging on to it is unhealthy.

Only he hadn’t anticipated how much it would hurt to see her. She’d been very drunk when he’d picked her up that one time and so it had been easy to ignore the pangs in his chest and focus on getting her home safely. But now there is no such distraction and Jin is hit with the full force of a love lost. He had really loved the woman sitting in front of him. He had dated her for 5 whole years- from his first year of university, through his degree and into his first few years of work. At one point he had even thought maybe he would marry her.

But sometimes love does not work out and it did not work out between Sooji and him. Perhaps they had been too young and naive to handle a relationship like the one they had had. Either way, the breakup had been prolonged and messy because neither had been willing to let go.

The reason it had gone rotten between them was because Jin had been “too nice”. At first, Sooji had liked his kindness. Encouraged it, even. Most girls do at first. He’s handsome and he’s sweet and he goes out of his way to help people. Isn’t that the embodiment of what a young woman desires in a man? But then she started to get jealous and insecure. Yes, Jin was the kind of boyfriend who would wake up at 5 am to pick her up at the airport at 6am but he was also the kind of friend to wake up at 5am to pick Taehyung up from the airport at 6am. Yes, he’d always clear his schedule if she wanted to spend time with him but he’s also just as willing to do the same for Namjoon. What made her special? Did he even like her?

At least, that was what her insecurities had forced her to ask and perhaps he could have worked through it with her had she told him as much. Because admittedly he hadn’t been that good at expressing how he felt for her and he had hoped she just knew. But she hadn’t and what had ensued was a terrible time of fighting for and fighting with with each other. Of holding back and not saying what they were really thinking. The frustration curdled into resentment and then into anger and soon enough neither of them were willing to give an inch but neither of them were willing to leave the other either. It had been ugly and messy and painful and enough to turn Jin off relationships for the rest of his life.

Perhaps that is why he’s been so hesitant with you, as far back as when he first met you three years ago. He had been fresh from his breakup with Sooji when you first came into his life and he was attracted to you almost straight away. But he hadn’t made any kind of move or given you any signs that he was interested in more than just friendship. At first it had been reluctance- you bore so many similarities to Sooji. The exact same adoration of his kindness but also the same reluctance to allow him to share that kindness that Sooji had was as plain as day in you. And so while he liked you and couldn’t help but be attracted to you, he just couldn’t bring himself to make that leap. To fall into the same mistakes that had lead to his painful breakup with Sooji. No, he couldn’t do that to himself. Not again.

But then time went on and he started to learn something.

For one thing, he isn’t who he was when he was with Sooji. He probably won’t ever be that person again and so he’s not going to repeat what happened with Sooji. But on top of that, you aren’t Sooji. Far from it, actually. What he had initially thought was a reluctance for him to help others had just come from misinterpreting your abrasive personality. From your difficulty in expressing yourself. You are rather like Yoongi in that manner. You keep a tight lid on everything and are reluctant to show any weakness. And you refuse to be honest, even with yourself. And so it took a lot of digging but eventually Jin discovered the heart of gold beneath the prickly outer layer. No, that reluctance to share him hadn’t been a reluctance at all. It had been a desire to be like him and a frustration when you could not. You aren’t possessive and jealous like Sooji at all. You are just endearingly naive when it comes to your desire to help others. You want to but you don’t know how to. And when Jin realised that he couldn’t help but take you in.

By the time he realised he had fallen deeply for you, it had been too long and he’d found himself unable to cross that boundary and finally make a move. Is it terror? Cold feet? Does a small part of him still fear the likeness of Sooji he had once thought he could see in you? Whatever it is, it is far safer to just not make a move. To occasionally flirt and tease you but never to take that big, terrifying step.

Instead of taking you out on dates like he really wants to, he drags you along to all his errands because it’s the safer option. Dating you without actually dating you. And besides, he knows that even though you gripe and complain every step of the way, you secretly like being able to help out. (That, and you have a huge, obvious crush on him and would probably do anything to get to spend time with him.) Only, now he’s fallen into a repetitive cycle of liking you but being too scared to go further and pulling back, only to realise he can’t keep away. Clearly the only way to break this cycle of avoiding his feelings and his desire to be with you is to go back to what started it all. To get some proper closure with Sooji. This is both for his own sake and for Sooji’s.

The awkward silence between him and Sooji has gone on for far too long and so he decides to break it.

“Sooji,” He begins. He has a preformed speech in his head. He’ll question why she contacted him, then gently remind her why things didn’t work out, and request that they both move on with their respective lives. A clean, civil, neat break. Only, she cuts him off.

“I want you back,” she confesses urgently. A tear slips from her eye and slides down her cheek. It takes everything Jin has not to reach forward and wipe it away. “These past few years have been hell. I... I miss you so much. I know that you think we weren’t good together, but we were! And I’ve had a lot of time to grow and mature and I-“

“Sooji,” He says, softly, firmly. His throat is dry and the words feel caught in his throat. “Don’t do this to yourself.”

Her eyes go wide and tear-y and he knows she’s on the verge of begging, but he won’t allow her to stoop that low.

“I know it’s been hard, but it’s been a long time and we are both very different people now. We have to move on. This clinging to the past isn’t good for you, ok?” Jin says gently.

“I still love you!” She blurts out, and then she claps her hands over her mouth like she hadn’t intended to say the words.

Jin is momentarily dumbfounded. Although he has well and truly moved on, a small part of him will always love Sooji. She was and is his first love and he will probably never forget those feelings. This is probably why her confession floors him so thoroughly and it is at that precise moment that you decide to make your presence known. You must have been walking past because this cafe is one of your favourite places to frequent.

“Oh,” you say, and it is a hurt sort of sound. Not quite a gasp but not quite a cry either. Simply a shocked exclamation and then you are fleeing.

Jin is not the sort of person to swear but he swears now. It takes him exactly one moment to launch himself off the seat in pursuit of you. All he is able to offer Sooji is a careless apology thrown over his shoulder and a promise that perhaps another day he can offer her proper closure but for now all he knows is he cannot allow you to get away. If you think... if you think he has any lingering feelings for his ex then his chance with you may well and truly die for good. As it is, it is a wonder that you continue to adore him as you do after he’s played it so hot and cold and while he feels like the biggest jerk in the world for not doing anything about it sooner, he’s doing something now.

“You have the wrong idea.” He cries, when he catches your wrist on a quiet street a few blocks away. You pause in your retreat. You stand, facing away from him with your arm his limp in his grasp.

Jin has never actually told you the full story of what happened with him and Sooji. He realises it in that moment and so he does so now. What pours from his lips next as he recounts the long, hurtful years that unfolded between them is a bit of a blur. But whatever it is that he says, it is sufficient to convince you not to continue running when he releases your wrist.

Instead you do something unexpectedly but endearingly forward. You step towards him. Slowly, you snake your arms around his torso and pull him in close. It is rare that you allow him to be affectionate with you but it is even rarer for you to initiate it. He relishes the contact and tries not to let his disappointment show when you pull away.

“Sorry,” you say, a little sheepishly. “I shouldn’t have over-reacted like that. I... I was just embarrassed. And I’m sorry that she made you feel guilty for being yourself. If it makes you feel any better, I like how you’re always helping other people. I mean, maybe I could have gone without buying those pregnancy tests for Taehyung’s girlfriend with you, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s what makes you you. I wouldn’t want you to be any other way, Jin.”

Honestly, you’re so endearing it’s hard to focus sometimes. You’re sweet as sugar and soft as butter and you drive him crazy. He should have asked you out months ago- no, years ago, but he’s a damn fool who got cold feet at the first signs of commitment and now he’s going to pay the price unless he does something about it.

“Are you free tomorrow?” He asks suddenly, urgently. You seem confused by the sudden topic change.

“I’m pretty sure I am.” You answer. He offers you a warm but hesitant smile.

“Good. Keep your schedule clear.” He requests. “I have something I want to tell you.”

“Why can’t you tell me now?” You answer. Jin merely offers you a cryptic smile.

“Because I have to make sure to do this right.” Is his reply.

#Jin drabble #seokjin drabble #jin x reader #kim seokjin #bts fluff #writing

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notthatiwilleverwriteit · 5 years

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Saw the previous anon ask. You can correct me if I'm worng, but did you meant that most people stay together because they think it's "true love" but tianshan love is not that kind of love, sure they will love each other in the future and will be together but because they love each other and not because they thinking "oh it's true love so that's why we must stay together"

Good afternoon, dear anon-san!

Just so everyone reading this is on the same page with us, this is the anon ask you are referring to. An anon asked do I think HT would be romantically involved with only MGS in the future, and my answer was a resounding yes but with a Tianshan twist.

Hmm, I can see where my idea may have been confusing. Admittedly, the true love argument wasn’t the strongest point but more like a highly subjective gut feeling. Let’s see if I can be more clear and specific

“did you meant that most people stay together because they think it's "true love"”

For the most part, I was talking about true love in the context of fiction but also about how love is often viewed in the Western world. In fiction, characters are looking for The One, their Soulmate who will fulfill them and with whom they can spend the rest of their lives, soaked in the bliss of not having to be alone. And once they have found their fated partner the story is nicely wrapped up. No story seems to be complete without a fulfilling romance, even if it’s just on the side.

All that discourse isn’t reserved for the fiction but has seeped through to real life as well. (Or perhaps it’s the other way around...) The ideal (and I’d dare to say the expected norm) is to find your one true love and vow to love them until either one of you dies. And if you fail that nearly impossible goal, it sticks the label of “divorcee” on your forehead that will never come off.

What I meant with “true love” was that it is a highly subjective and often passing feeling and yet we’re expected to set out to build a life-long relationship based on it. Of course, I’m not saying those kinds of happily ever afters can’t exist. I do know some couples who have been together for decades and are still deeply in love with each other. Maybe I’m just a really nihilistic individual but to expect everyone to reach that kind of relationship seems highly unrealistic.

But the longest relationship I’ve ever had is with myself, so what I say should most certainly be taken with a sack of salt.

“but tianshan love is not that kind of love”

One thing I would like to remind you about the original anon ask is that it was about HT. I gave my answer according to what I think about his perspective, not Tianshan as a whole.

From HT’s point of view, his relationship with MGS didn’t go down like the stories about true love. His objectives were somewhere else entirely at first, and it could be even said those goals were quite selfish. He didn’t do the good deeds just out of the goodness of his heart but was looking for some kind of proof that he could be something better and furthermore stick it to his father and the legacy waiting for HT.

I think HT wants to stay together with MGS in the future because he gained something unexpected with him. He doesn’t have to hide his “darkness” or moments of weakness around him. MGS can not only handle him and hold his ground but also accepts HT for what he is and offers some much-needed comfort. And losing that isn’t really an option for HT because he would revert back to self-imposed isolation. In other words, playing the solitary hero again.

But now that I think about it more, you could very well argue that HT finding all of what he thought he would never have in MGS is the embodiment of fate and true love. If MGS is the only one around whom HT can be his true self, I suppose it doesn’t get more truer love than that.

Well, damn.

But I’d still argue it’s slightly different. For example, if you compare Tianshan to Zhanyi it becomes more clear. Zhanyi has that romantic true love/soulmate vibe to it. In ZZX’s eyes, JY is someone completely irreplaceable, and it’s obvious they want to stay the rest of their lives together. Not to mention, Zhanyi has strong promise-related rhetoric that ZZX especially has been carrying with himself since they were little kids. That I see based on true love whereas Tianshan has the same endgame but is considerably less rosy and pure.

I guess the word I’m trying really hard not to use with Tianshan is “dependence“ because it has a somewhat unhealthy sound to it. I fully believe HT wants to stay with MGS in the future because he loves and cares about him, but it can’t be denied his character is also depended on him. ZZX and JY, on the other hand, are almost on the level of being soulmates, so not being together isn’t an option for them either but even if they did part ways in the future, it’s not like either one of them would lose their way as a character.

I really hope I managed to be more clear this time. And as I said, the true love argument wasn’t perhaps the strongest base for it all but that’s the vibe I’ve always gotten from Tianshan. But people are always welcome to question my ramblings and ask for clarification.

Thank you for your question, anon-san!

#tianshan #he tian #zhanyi #19 days #answered ask

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secretly-a-plant · 5 years

Text

Head Underwater (PRB 2019)

Here is the fic I wrote for the @phandomreversebang 2019! Thank you so so so much to @lovelydeps and @phanandpenguins for being an amazing artist and an amazing beta! I couldn’t have done this without them. (Reblogs, likes, and comments appreciated!)

Ao3 Link

-Dan’s POV-

The ocean is a beautiful and serene place. Dangerous yet peaceful, mysterious yet full of joy. And forbidden. Completely and utterly forbidden. Ever since I was born I've been told horrific stories of winged creatures flying too close to the waves and getting lost in the blue depths. Unable to escape because their wings are sodden with saltwater and the tears of drowned sailors. I’ve been told that every creature that lies below the surface is my mortal enemy, destined to destroy me. That I should never venture to the sea for as long as I live. And yet, I seem to have an unhealthy fascination with the sea. Specifically with a dark-haired merman whose eyes shine brighter than every star in the sky.

I first saw him years ago. I had just gotten into a fight with my parents. This wasn’t a rare occurrence, it seemed that my father and I were always at each other’s throats, and my passive mother almost never took my side. I had stormed off in my usual manner, but instead of retreating to my room, I found myself walking the seldom tread path to the coast. I sat on a rock, closer to the sea then I had ever been before. I was gazing off at the skyline when my eyes caught a shimmer of light in the shallows. Curious and feeling rebellious, I moved closer. It was then that I locked eyes with the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Full of terror and amazement I quickly turned away and ran back up to the sanctuary of the forest.

And here we are. I’ve been coming back every day since to try and catch a glimpse of the mysterious sea dweller. Pathetic, I know, but I can’t bring myself to stop. One more look I tell myself, just one more complete look and then I’ll be satisfied. Today is a gloomy sort of day. Dreary and cold. The type of day that sinks through your skin, chilling you from the inside out. I don’t expect to see him today, but my subconscious seems to be driving me towards the water anyway. I walk past the cliffs that surround the cove. Craggy and leering, like giants sent to protect the land. I feel my feet sink into the sand as I close my eyes and breath in the ocean air. I feel the mist settle on my skin and the wind whip through my hair. The serene moment is interrupted by a loud splash. I jump at the sound and dive behind a rock. I cautiously peek out from behind my hiding place to be met with the exact thing I had been searching for. I tell myself that I have to go. I’ve gotten what I wanted and now I must return back to safety. But I can’t tear my eyes away. He turns, and quickly I duck down, but I know he’s seen me. I hear the gentle sound of water lapping against the coastline and tentatively emerge from behind the boulder. In front of me is a merman. Dark hair, pale skin, shining blue eyes, and a long scaly tail. He looks nothing like the drawings of mermaids that are in history books. Those mermaids are fearsome and ugly. Eyes full of rage and mouths full of fangs. The creature standing before me looks like he was crafted from sunbeams, and wrapped in layers of serene waves. Once my mind has started working again I realize that he’s looking at me with as much unfiltered awe as I am with him. Has he never seen a human before? But surely he must have if the tales of these creatures are correct. I come to my senses and abruptly turn around. I can’t just stand there and let myself be distracted by how he looks. Looks can be deceiving and while his skin may be devoid of imperfection, there are horrors in his mind. I get no more than two steps when I hear a gentle timid voice.

“Wait!” He says, his voice apprehensive as if testing it out. “Please stay.”

I turn around and see the look in his eyes, curious and pleading. I take a few steps back and sit down on the sand a few paces away.

“Hello,” I say, with a surprisingly steady voice. I know I should be scared, terrified even, but I can't bring myself to feel anything but wonder.

“Greetings, I am Phil”

I feel a small smile start to spread across my face, matching the one that Phil has adopted.

“I’m Dan.”

-Phil’s POV-

I’d never seen a fairy before. I’d heard about them, horrible winged creatures sent down from the sky on thunderbolts, with a personal vendetta against the ocean. But looking at the being standing before me, I don’t know how he could be dangerous. His eyes were ringed with red as if he’d been crying, and every part of him from his curly hair to his oversized jumper to his soft gray wings looked safe and warm. Such a contrast from the harsh blues and steely grays of the coastline. Suddenly he turns around and starts to run. I think “No, wait!” but the words are stuck in my throat and I watch as he disappears among the cliffs. And then he’s gone, so quickly that I was certain I imagined him. I sat there for a moment before slipping back below the waves.

That was years ago. I thought I’d never see him again and that it was probably for the better. When I had gone back to the ocean teeming with excitement at my discovery, no one believed me. They couldn’t fathom that a fairy would come anywhere near the water. And so I waited. I resisted the urge to go back up to the surface to try and catch another glimpse of the boy I had seen so long ago. Today was different. It was a dreary mid-October day. The ocean floor was empty, my parents always went away once the leaves changed to seek warmer waters, and most of the marine life went with them. However, I seemed to be the exception. The brisk weather had given the ocean a dreadful chill. The sun was not strong enough to pierce the layer of waves and seafoam and warm the sand underneath. I made the decision to go on the shore. Maybe I could find a nice rock to lay on, and the sun could chase the chill from my bones. As my head breaks the surface, I see a creature standing on the shore. A creature with curly hair and soft gray wings. My eyes widen in surprise. It couldn’t possibly be the same fairy, could it? But it must be. His wings displayed the same patterns that had lived in my dreams for years. Slowly he turns around, and stands motionless, looking me directly in the eye. Then he jolts, as if startled, and turns and starts to run. This time I manage to voice the words that I hadn’t been able to say last time.

“Wait! Please stay.” I say, immediately self-conscious of the tremor in my voice.

He hesitantly turns around. Finally facing me, he takes a few small steps in my direction and sits on the sand.

“Hello,” he says, his voice calm and smooth.

“Greetings, I am Phil.” I wince at the overly formal greeting, but he doesn’t seem to mind. I begin to smile. He does too, a shy grin growing on his face.

“I’m Dan.” He says, then hesitates and blurts out a sentence so fast I can’t understand what he’s saying.

“What was that?” I ask, with a slight chuckle in my voice. He is clearly embarrassed, his cheeks flaring red as he stumbles over his words.

“I’ve been, um, waiting for you. For a while. Since I was young. I’ve been coming here every day hoping to see you again.”

“So you are the same fairy! I’d hoped I wasn’t making a mistake.”

“Um, yes. That would be me, I think.”

“So. Dan. You’re a fairy. Aren’t you supposed to hate me?”

“Oh, uh, well not exactly hate you. Resent and fear you more than anything else. And frankly, shouldn’t I be asking you the same question? Isn’t your species hell-bent on killing off every single fairy?”

“That’s ridiculous. I’ve never hurt a fairy in my life. Neither has any other merfolk that I know. I’ve always been told that it was fairies that were set on destroying my species.”

“The only reason we ever wanted to hurt you was because of the pain and suffering you’ve caused us. Do you have any idea how many faires your relatives have drowned?”

I start to feel anger replace the curiosity that had bloomed inside me. What right does that boy have to come down to our ocean and start accusing my ancestors of murder?

“Maybe you should go. Who knows, if you stick around maybe my murderous grandma will emerge from her home and eat you.” And with that, admittedly petty, comment I sink below the waves, making sure to splash some of the icy water back up on the shore.

-Dan’s POV-

At first, all I'm feeling is rage. But slowly it starts to turn into guilt. He was just defensive of his family, if I had been in his position I would have done the same. Besides, he clearly had very little knowledge of the bloody rivalry between the two species. Maybe if I go back and apologize we can come to an understanding. But not yet. He probably won't be back today, if the way he stormed off was anything to go by. My shoes were now soaking, which definitely made me a little less apologetic. If I give a little time for the dust to settle hopefully we can ease the tension a little bit. For now, I should probably just go home and try not to catch a cold.

When I first wake up I have no memory of yesterday's events. As I drag myself out of bed my conversation with Phil comes back to me. I stand still for a minute, trying to process what had happened and where to go from here. I eat a quick breakfast and gather a small collection of things to bring to Phil.

When I return to the small cove, I see no sign of Phil. I move closer to the water, probably closer than I’ve ever been, and hesitantly call his name. I wait a few minutes, then come to the realization that he’s not going to show up. Maybe he’s still mad about yesterday, or maybe he just didn’t feel like indulging a stranger who accused his family of murder. As I’m about to turn away, I instead decide to sit down on a warm rock dangerously close to the coastline. I never realized how peaceful the ocean was until now. I start to zone out until I hear the sound of something moving in the water and I quickly snap back to attention. It’s Phil. He looked like he was just as surprised to see me as I was to see him.

“You came back.” He says, sounding confused, and then his expression shits to annoyance. “You’re not here to slander my species’ reputation are you?”

“No,” I said indignantly. “I actually came back to apologize. Plus, I brought peace offerings.”

I begin to pull a couple of sweet rolls out of my bag. “I don’t know what you eat, but these are some of my favorites.” I hand him the food, and he takes it, looking at me suspiciously. He takes a hesitant bite and I immediately see his eyes light up.

“They’re good, aren't they?” I gloat with a slight smirk on my face.

“These are quite possibly the best thing I’ve ever tasted!” He exclaims loudly.

I let out a short bark of laughter at that. He quickly finishes both of the rolls and proceeds to come a little closer, resting his elbows on the rock I’m resting on. I find myself inching back instinctively, but instantly regret it after seeing the downcast look on Phil’s face.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For assuming that you and the rest of your species were murderous beasts? I brought one of my history books so you could see it from my perspective.” I slowly pull the book out of my bag and hand it to him, making sure not to drop it in the water. He opens it and flips through the pages. Then, to my complete and utter surprise, he bursts out laughing. Hysterically laughing. Laughing so hard that his tongue pokes out of his mouth. He quickly puts the book on the rocks so that he doesn’t drop it.

“Why are you laughing? I thought you would be...well I don’t know what I thought your reaction would be, but certainly not laughter!”

“I’m laughing because this is simply the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. Merfolk’s don’t look like this! They all look like me! Well, similarly to me anyway. If I looked like this I would have converted a long time ago.”

“Converted?” I ask, confusion evident in my voice.

“That is what I said yes. Any merfolk can choose to become human. It’s complicated, supposedly painful, and it doesn’t happen very often, but it is an option.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Well, there seems to be a lot of things you don’t know.” He sounds teasing as if he was talking to an old friend and not someone he had met yesterday.

“Maybe you could teach me?”

“Are you really willing to learn? You still seem scared of me.”

“I am still a little scared, to be honest, but it seems that our historians got some things wrong when it comes to the ocean, and I want to know the truth.” He smiles brightly, and in that moment I knew that I would do whatever I could to see that smile again.

----

To my surprise, visiting Phil has become my favorite past time. I bring him food and books and stories, and in exchange, he teaches me about his life, tells me stories, and gives me the gift of friendship. I am going back home after one of such these days when I find a letter from my parents. Great. I love my village, I’ve got a small house perched on top of a tree, and I love visiting the markets and walking on the soft pine needle carpeted floors. That being said, everything about my home is tainted by my family. I was never anything my father wanted to be. I stopped studying and became a pathetic drop out living off of odd jobs and his parents’ financial support. So getting a letter from them asking to come over for dinner is far from good news. Nevertheless, I prepare to endure the endless streams of questions such as ‘Do you have a job?’, ‘Are you eating enough?’, Or perhaps most annoying of all, ‘Do have a girlfriend?’ My parents are obsessed with micromanaging my life. They’re constantly trying to set me up with horrible banking jobs and nice mellow mannered girls from good families. I hate it with a passion. And yet I don’t have the courage to tell them that I don’t want either of those things. I arrive at my parents' house. I take a deep breath and knock on the door.

----

Dinner is awkward, to say the least. There’s a blanket of silence that lays over the table that almost never accompanies family dinners. It’s nice, peaceful even. It allows me to have the illusion that I’m not a disappointment to the family name. That is until my father clears his throat.

“So, Daniel,” I hate when he calls me that. “Where have you been going every day? Did you find a job?” I stutter and nearly choke on a bite of potatoes. They noticed. Of course, they noticed. I’ve been so stupid. They cannot find out about Phil. It would only end badly for both of us.

“Oh, not exactly.”

“Care to explain?”

“I’ve been um, studying uh, history?” I grab at the first excuse that enters my mind.

“History? Where?”

“The next town over has a nice library. I’m thinking about pursuing a career in it.” There, that should keep them satisfied for now.

“Oh! That’s wonderful Dan!” My mother says with a warm smile on her face. I begin to feel guilt growing in my stomach. If she knew what I was really doing would she still be smiling? Certainly not. And I hadn’t seen her this proud of me since primary school. I smile weakly and try to eat more food even though I now feel sick to my stomach.

-Phil’s POV-

After a few months, Dan slowly becomes my favorite part of my daily routine, and I often find myself missing him when he’s not here. Although there are other things to look forward to, my parents are visiting today. It’s still too cold for them to stay here for long periods of time, but they claim to miss me, so they’re swimming down for a day. I’m waiting for them just outside of our house, rubbing my arms together to try and ward off some of the chill. I begin to see their dark silhouettes emerging from the murky water, and I quickly swim out to meet them. My mother quickly embraces me with a warm hug, and out of the corner of my eye, I see my father smile warmly. My father has never been as affectionate as my mother, but over the years I’ve learned that he shows his affection in different ways.

The minute we get back in the house my mother immediately comments on the lack of nutritious food.

“Goodness, Phil! Have you been eating at all?”

“Um, well…” I stammer at a loss for words, unsure how to explain to her that I’ve been eating large amounts of fairy food every day.

“No matter,” She interrupts my mildly panicked mumbling “Fortunately I predicted this and brought some food with me.” She begins to pull food out of her sack, far too much food for three people I might add, and I chuckle fondly.

“So Phil, what have you been doing lately?” My father inquires. I freeze. Should I tell them? I can trust my parents with anything, can’t I?

“Well, I’ve um, been spending some time on the beach…”

“Not too much time I hope,” My mother says jokingly “We wouldn’t want you to grow legs and run off somewhere!” I chuckle weakly.

“Well actually, I’ve been making some friends,” My mother looks at me confused and before she can interrupt I rush to continue “His name is Dan, and he’s very nice, I’ve been teaching him about merfolk culture.”

“This...Dan, he’s not a pixie is he?” My father says apprehensively, sharing a worried look with my mother.

“Well yes, but…” My father breaks me off. “Absolutely not. Fairies are dangerous. All they want is to hurt us. Humans I could possibly allow, but I will not see you talking to fairies.”

“I know dad, and I thought that he wanted to hurt me at first too but he’s actually very caring, and he just wants to understand,” My father stands up abruptly.

“We need to leave, and this time you’re coming with us. I can’t have you endangering yourself and others.”

“What? No! I’m staying here! I like it here!”

“Phil,” My mother says weakly “Please don’t do this. We need you to stay safe.”

“Why does everyone hate them so much anyway? What did they ever do to us?”

My mother and father share another loaded look.

“A long time ago, when your grandmother was still a young girl, fairies discovered the ocean. They were fascinated, naturally, they had never seen anything like it before. And the merfolk were scared. These creatures were coming to close for comfort, and tensions were running high between the two species. One day, a curious fairy wandered to close to the water. There was a mermaid there, the boy was fascinated, he’d never seen anything like her before, not knowing what she was he tried to capture her. The mermaid, scared and confused, tried to get him to go away,” My father breaks off, his voice choked up. “And when he didn’t, she drowned him. After that, the two communities were at each other's throats. Merfolk began mercilessly killing off fairies, and fairies were hunting and capturing merfolk by the dozens. Eventually, the fairy council and the merfolk council made a peace treaty. No more fighting, no more killing. But you can see why we don’t exactly get along.”

I sit in stunned silence. We had both been right, me and Dan, our ancestors had tried to kill each other. Finally, my father speaks breaking the tense silence that had fallen over the room.

“Phil I can’t force you to do anything. But please consider what I’ve told you.” He turns to face my mother “I think it’s time that we go.” She rises nodding silently and goes to hug me, just as tightly as before, although this time it was lacking warmth and joy.

---

As soon as I saw the end of my father’s tail disappear into the fog, a thought struck my brain. I have to tell Dan.”

-Dan POV-

When I get down to the beach the next day, Phil is already at our meeting place looking anxious. When I approach he looks up suddenly as if startled out of his thoughts.

“Are you ok?” I ask, worried about my normally chipper friend.

“There's something I have to tell you.” Anxiety swirls in my stomach, those words almost never lead to something good.

“Last night my parents visited.”

---

By the time Phil finishes recounting the horrific event, I feel sick to my stomach. I stand up quickly the minute he finishes speaking. I don’t know what to do. My thoughts are running wild and nothing is making sense.

“Please don’t go” I hear Phil’s voice say. He sounds scared and confused, his voice reflecting my thoughts exactly.

“I know it’s awful and confusing, but I’m hoping that we can work it out together. Just because our species have a bloody and dishonest history doesn't mean that we can’t be friends.” He sounds nervous as if there is any universe in which I wouldn’t be his friend.

“You’re right. I want to be friends.” I say with a small smile. I sit back down on the rock and Phil sets his elbows up next to where I’m sitting, causing water to splash up beside me. I flinch, my natural reaction when coming in contact with ocean water. Phil must have noticed because a small smile starts to form on his face.

“Have you seriously never been in the ocean before?”

I shake my head no, and Phil lets out a startled laugh.

“You have to try it! It’s the best thing ever!”

“Nope. No. Definitely not.”

“Please Dan? For me?” He looks up at me pouting with big blue eyes and how could I possibly say no to that?

“Fine. But only so you’ll shut up.” I say, rolling my eyes. I try to feign nonchalance but my heart is racing. Surely the water can’t be that dangerous. I cautiously dip my feet in. It’s cold and slightly terrifying, but calming at the same time. I stare in fascination at the spot where my feet disappear under the water, waves lapping at my ankles.

“That doesn’t count! You barely dipped your toes in!” Phil looks at me with a mischievous glint in his eyes and the tip of his tongue poking out of his mouth. Suddenly I understand Phil’s train of thought.

“No, Phil-” But it’s too late. Pale hands wrap around my ankles, pulling me down into the ocean. I emerge sputtering and wiping water out of my eyes to find Phil doubled over in laughter.

“You absolute twat! I could have drowned!” He scoffs.

“You wouldn’t have drowned. Not only is it shallow here, but I’m also here to pull you out if you were in any real danger.” I huff, but in spite of my annoyance, I feel a smile building up inside of me. I look at Phil, and I feel pure unfiltered joy. I wish I could live in this world forever, just me and Phil. My sentimental thoughts are interrupted by a shiver that wracks through my body.

“Bloody Hell, Phil! It’s fucking cold!” Another wave of laughter hits him before he opens his arms invitingly.

“Come on, a hug will warm you up.” I try to keep up my pretense of being cross, but I can’t resist the temptation to tread through the water into his arms. He wraps me up into his arms and I immediately warm up. He seems to be a swimming heater. I stay there for what feels like hours but was in reality probably less than a minute. I pull back slightly and find my eyes locked onto his. Mine brown, like the earth I had walked on since I was a very young child. His blue, like the ocean in which we were currently standing. We were so close together I could feel his gentle breath on my face, and I feel my gaze subconsciously dropping to his lips. I break away from his embrace and chuckle nervously.

“I should probably go, I don’t want to catch a cold.”

“Yeah, that’s, uh, probably a good idea.” He seems so disheartened compared to a few minutes ago, and I long to say ‘No wait! I made a mistake, I want to stay here forever!’ but I need time to process the thoughts running through my head. I slowly pull myself out of the water. I stand up and turn to walk away.

“Dan?” I turn around,

“Yeah?”

“I- I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow?”

“Definitely.”

---

By the time I get back to my home, thankfully without being spotted in my sopping wet clothes, I have come to the inevitable conclusion that I fancy Phil. This is a terrifying thought because there is absolutely no way that Phil could ever reciprocate my feelings. I suppose the best solution is to ignore these feelings until they go away. After all, it’s just a little crush.

---

This isn’t working. Every day my feelings for Phil grow stronger. It’s like a rose blooming in my heart. Soft beautiful petals representing the happiness I feel when I am around him and the hope that perhaps he could feel the same way, while the thorns represent the facts of reality.

-Phil’s POV-

Ever since I got Dan to come into the ocean, I can hardly keep him out of it. Nearly every time he visits he immediately jumps into the waves. This has done nothing to help my growing feelings for the other boy. When Dan was on land and I was not, there was a clear, visible barrier between us that helped keep my feelings at bay. But now that he is in water with me, so close that I could reach out and touch him, I find my feelings snowballing every day. How could someone not fall in love with Dan? He’s perfect. Absolutely, amazingly, perfect.

---

A few more weeks pass, and I think I have to tell Dan how I feel. It’s getting impossible to bottle it up. Dan’s constantly being flirtatious, without ever officially making a move. The hope that my feelings could possibly be reciprocated continues to grow. But how? In what way can I possibly reveal the romantic feelings I harbor without humiliating myself? The question hangs over my head, making the task seem even more daunting.

---

It’s a beautiful day, sunny and warm. Dan is lounging next to me on the same sunny rock that he sat on the first time we talked. We’re not talking, but the silence isn’t awkward. With Dan, gaps in conversation are never uncomfortable. The quiet understanding covers me like a blanket. Instead of talking I take time to simply sit and watch Dan. His eyes are closed, face turned up to the sun. He has a small smile on his lips making his dimples pop. I’m struck with the sudden realization that I might be in love with him. It’s terrifying, but my brain is invaded with thoughts of growing old with him, of living together, of having a family with him. The tidal wave of emotions causes me to take a sharp breath. Dan turns to look at me, his warm eyes gazing at me fondly.

“What’s up?” I feel my heart burst in my chest and I know I have to tell him.

“I have something I need to tell you.”

“And that is?”

“Um I- I like you. Actually I mean I might love you, but that’s a rather recent development so I’m not completely sure-” I pause at the look on his face. He has turned fully towards me, and his mouth is open in shock. I immediately feel shame growing inside me and rush to apologize.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, and you probably hate me now -” I’m cut off by Dan once more, however this time it is from Dan pressing his lips to mine. I melt into the kiss, his lips lotting into mine like they are pieces of the same puzzle. He pulls away, his face splitting into a shy grin.

“I think I might love you too.”

- Dans POV-

The months after we confessed our feelings are some of the happiest of my life. The many months that I’ve spent with Phil have been a roller coaster of emotions. Curiosity, anger, fear, infatuation, and now we seem to have fallen in sync with each other, a feeling that can only be described as love. But alongside the happiness there’s also pain. I can only see him for a few hours every day, and even then I can only hold him close to me for a small fraction of that time, and I’m sick of having to sneak back from visiting him everyday because my clothes are dripping with saltwater. These thoughts have been plaguing my brain for weeks now, and after a lot of research I think I might have found a solution.

---

It looks like it’s going to rain. Not ideal for visiting the ocean, since I usually get soaked anyway and the rain adds an extra layer of chill. I sit on the rocks, dipping my feet in the water, anxiously waiting for Phil to arrive. When he finally swims to the surface my eyes light up with excitement.

“Phil!”

“Dan!” He exclaims, mocking my excited expression. I take a deep breath, a cocktail of anticipation of nerves swirling in my stomach.

“I have an idea to propose to you. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and we both know that our situation isn’t ideal, to say the least. I did some research, and I think that there’s a way for me to become human. I know you’ve mentioned converting before, but I know it’s a hard and permanent decision. But even if you don’t want to do it, I still think I will, I love you more than I can put into words, and I want to escape this prison that I’ve put myself into. The past between our species horrifies me, and I hope that by converting I can begin to break down that barrier. I want to be able to hold your hand and go on adventures with you, and I-” My voice breaks and I realize that I’ve started to cry.

“Dan,” Phil says, voice cracking with emotion, “I want that too. All of that, and honestly I’ve been thinking about the same thing, and if you’re sure you want to do this, I want to join you.”

“Okay, alright, then let’s do this,” I say smiling as I wipe a tear from my face.

“Let's do this.”

---

My first thought when I get back to the forest is that I have to tell my parents. At least my mom. If I disappear off into the human world, she deserves at least some sort of explanation. With that thought I change directions and head to my childhood home.

---

I approach slowly and knock faintly on the door. Despite how quiet my knock was, my mother still answers within seconds.

“Dan! What a wonderful surprise! Please come in, I just finished making biscuits.” We walk in to the warmly lit kitchen and she ushers me to the stools by the kitchen counter. I take a seat, and she bustles around gathering plates and mugs. She sits down, placing a mug of tea and a plate with a biscuit on it.

“So dear, not that I don’t love it when you visit, but why are you here?”

“Well,” I start, I break eye contact and instead gaze into the murky brown of my tea. “I-I um, I think, and I’ve thought about it a lot, and done some research, and I uh, want to become human.” She looks at me with soft eyes.

“You met someone, didn’t you?”

“Well I mean, yes. I met someone.”

“Who is it? What girl is so special that she can draw my baby into the human world?”

“For starters, his name is Phil,” my mother’s eye brows raise in surprise. “And he’s not exactly human, in fact he’s actually a mermaid. But don’t worry! He’s very sweet! Probably the sweetest person you’ll ever meet, and he’s going to convert too, and-” I break off in surprise as my mother rises from her seat and quickly envelopes me into a hug.

“Darling, I want more than anything for you to be happy. And I trust you to make good decisions about who you spend your time with. If you need help, I’m always here.” Instead of words, I decided to just pour all of my love and gratitude into the hug.

---

“Now Dan,” My mother is once again seated across from me, this time her face serious. “Converting isn’t easy, and it’s permanent.”

“I know. I’m not rushing into this.”

“I know.” She smiles. “It’s not complicated, you must simply have someone cut off your wings at the very base. Now the tricky part is that if you have any reservations about it, any at all, it will be extremely painful. More painful than anything else you will ever feel. That being said, if you believe that you are truly doing the right thing for yourself, the cut will be quick and painless.”

I swallow, nerves swirling in my gut. But then I think of Phil, of his eyes and his smile, and all my doubts melt away.

“Can we do it now?”

“Now?”

“Yes. I want to do it as soon as possible, and there’s no one that I’d rather have do it then you.”

“I- alright then. If you're sure.”

“I am.” I hear her take a deep breath as she rustles around looking for a knife. I hear her come up behind me.

“Can you, take off you shirt for me dear? It will be easier that way.” I do as she says, and then take a deep breath to steady myself. I feel the cold metal against my skin, and then a soft tingling, similar to the feeling you get when your foot falls asleep. I feel my wings fall, and for a moment I feel my skin melding together, leaving no trace them. I turn around and see my mother smiling.

“Did it hurt?”

“Not at all.”

“Then you should go to him. I’ll always be waiting for you if you ever need to come back.” I hug her tightly a few tears falling from my eyes onto her shoulder.

“I love you.”

She gives a wet chuckle, “I know, my darling.”

-Phils POV-

I decided a long time ago that I wanted to convert to human, and now that Dan’s doing it too my decision is set in stone. I also decided a long time ago that I didn’t need my parents’ help or acceptance. The merfolk history nauseates me, and now that I know the truth I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life as one of these creatures. According to Dan, his conversion was easy with no complications. When I saw him walking down to the ocean, a large grin replacing his wings, I cried tears of joy. He jumped into the water and wrapped me up in his arms. Unfortunately, the merfolk are a little more dramatic. In order to properly convert, it has to be a full moon. I have to remove ten scales and then my tail will supposedly fall away to reveal legs. Technically, no one else had to be there, but I told Dan many times that I want him with me regardless. As I gaze at the ocean, lounging on a rock while waiting for him, I hear him approach.. I turn around excited to see him. He looks tired and disheveled as if he’d just woken up. Which, to be fair, he probably did. I curiously look at the bundle of clothes he has in his arms.

“What are those?”

“Oh, uh, those are clothes. For you. After you transition, I mean.”

“Oh yeah, of course. I didn’t even think of that.” I give a nervous chuckle. He sits down next to me and pulls me into his arms.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” His whisper tickles my ear.

“Of course.” I pull away slightly and begin tugging at my scales. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. I hesitate. Dan locks eyes with me and gives me a small smile as he gently squeezes my hand. He says so much in that smile. He says ‘I love you’ and ‘I will support you no matter what you do.’ I take a deep breath as I pull the last scale.

---

I inhale sharply in amazement as my scales begin to slide off of me, forming a puddle around where I am sitting. I begin to see pale skin replace the deep blue. Dan passes me a shirt and a pair of trousers and I quickly turn and dress. Or try to. I’m clearly not used to legs, or being on land. Dan laughs loudly, and quickly stands up to help me stand. I fall into his chest and join in his laughter. He pulls away slightly and places a gentle kiss on my lips.

“Do you want to leave now? Or wait?”

“Now. I want to get started on my new life with you.”

---

As we’re walking through the forest, on the way to a train station that can take us to London, Dan pauses behind what must be his parent’s house. He looks and suddenly the back door swings open. A kind looking middle aged woman walks out, Dan’s mother I’m assuming. She looks at us. At first her expression is shocked, but then it slowly transforms into one of happiness and love. She winks, then turns around and closes the door.

-Dan’s POV-

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry I haven’t contacted you before now. Phil and I are really happy in the human world. It wasn’t easy at first, we had to find someone who could give us fake information to make everyone believe that we had been in the human world forever and didn’t just spawn into existence a year ago. I am going to give this letter to the agent that helped us, and I sincerely hope it gets to you. Fortunately, this letter is filled with happy things. I wrote a book, about the magical ‘fantasy’ world of fairies and mermaids, and Phil has been working as a marine biologist ever since he found his ‘land legs’. We have a house, a dog, and a gaming system where we spend way too much time playing mario kart. Don’t get me wrong, there a lot of things that are bad here. Take taxes for example. But at least here me and Phil can have the life we’ve dreamed about. In fact, I’m trying to put some of those once distant plans in motion. After I finish this letter I’m going to propose to Phil, that is unless I back out, and I hope with all my heart that he’ll say yes. Because I love him. So so much. So much that someday I want to have a family with him, as scary as that is. I want you to be a part of that too. Please write back, maybe we can plan a time to meet. I want you to meet Phil, formally this time.

Much Love,

Dan

I put my pen down and fold my letter into an envelope. I put it on the kitchen counter, nearly tripping over Otto, our corgi. I walk out to the back garden where Phil is sitting on a bench looking out at the sea. I place a gentle kiss on his forehead before sitting down next to him.

“Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever miss it? The ocean?”

“Sometimes. But it doesn’t matter, because you’re worth a million oceans.” I shove him lightly, a fond smile on my face. I take a deep breath and pull the rings out of my pocket. Phil gasps, and it takes a lot of self restraint to not burst into laughter at the look on his face.

“Phil, you are easily the most important person in my life. I would cross continents for you, and it is my deepest hope that you would do the same for me. So with that thought in mind, I would like to ask you to marry me.”

“Oh my god Dan, yes! Of course yes.” I smile as I slip the ring onto his finger. It’s simple, containing a small bit of feather from my wings. It matches mine, the same design but with some of Phil’s old scales instead of feathers. He laughs.

“What are you laughing for?” I say indignantly.

“I’m sorry, it’s just so cheesy.”

“Shut up, it’s supposed to be cheesy.”

#prb2019 #prb #phandom #phanfiction #Phandom reverse bang #daniel howell #phil lester #Dan and Phil

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thedrunkenminstrel · 5 years

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Malk’s top ten ships

So @parttimebetawarrior did it and I’m nothing if not a copy-cat so I decided to be a pain in the butt and write a thing about my favorite fictional ships. Come to me tomorrow and this list will probably change and jumble around, but they’re still relationships I love from stories that helped me out.

So check it out if you want.

10)Yukiteru Amano/Yuno Gasai

Future Diary has a lot, and I mean a lot of problems. The girls are all fetishized to an uncomfortable degree, and a lot of the diary powers only make sense upon multiple readings viewings, and there are points of it that are just interesting drags.

But the relationship between Yuki and Yuno, as deeply unhealthy as it is (deliberately so) is a fascinating story of two terrible people falling in love. Do either of them deserve love? Maybe not? Does love make them better? Absolutely not. But they still need it in a world that has been cruel and awful to them, and maybe that’s the only thing that matters. Especially to a pair of broken, horny teens.

Plus they actually bang, and when was the last time that happened in a manga?

9)Rock/Revy from Black Lagoon

Two for two in unhealthy ships. Revy is a gunslinging berserker who has never known a peaceful life and Rock is a brilliant but repressed office worker who gets dragged into the crime-ridden streets of Roanapour. It’s a classic story of people from different worlds coming together like you see in movies like Titanic or Romeo & Juliet.

What makes Rock and Revy different though? Well, violence honestly, and each character’s relationship to it. Revy both disdains Rock’s previously peaceful lifestyle and is envious of it. She respects and even loves Rock in her own broken way, but can’t get over his naivete and his privilege that keeps him from understanding why she would do something like graverob. Rock knows he should be horrified and disgusted by what Revy does, but finds her and her way of life incredibly seductive.

8) Shirou Emiya/Rin Tohsaka from Fate/Stay Night

Yeah yeah, I’m tsundere-loving trash, what do you want from me? These two are great together though, and they compliment each other both in a relationship and combat, and it’s fun to see Shirou’s cool-headedness and dumbass bluntness bounce of the much more self-aware and insecure Rin.

And they respect one another, though for Shirou that respect takes some earning. There’s a journey here of both of them learning and becoming better people, as they fight through the insanely complicated world of Fate. Plus, Shirou grows up to Archer. He ages well. Good going, Rin.

7) Gomez Addams/Morticia Addams from the Addams Family

Ah finally, a healthy one. They’re creepy and they’re kooky, mysterious and spooky, they’re a functioning family unit. For all the weirdness of the Addams and how much people are freaked out by them, they’re undeniably healthy: endlessly loving and romantic to each other and equally doting on their… less healthy children. They do them and they’re happy, especially when they’re doing each other, and that’s what a good relationship’s all about.

6) Kobayashi/Tohru from Dragon Maid

Another anime with a lot of problems, namely in its loli and shota shit, but the relationship between Kobayashi and Tohru is something that makes the show more than worth it.

People argue about the sexualities of the character so I’m just going to say that I see Tohru as a lesbian and Kobayashi as bi. Much like the Addams, what makes this relationship work for me is the combination of the fantastic and the domestic. Tohru is a dragon with cosmic powers that cooks steak for her career woman girlfriend, and despite being a bit of a grump, Kobayashi is fascinated and engaged with Tohru, even though Tohru needs to learn to turn it down. There is a genuine tenderness to the relationship and a message of not just understanding each others’ differences, but learning to love them.

5) Peter Parker/Mary Jane from Spider-man

Okay, this relationship has been through its rough patches: retcons, a miscarriage, and that godawful ‘smoker’ subplot, but there’s a reason people keep going to these two: They work so well together.

People say Gwen Stacey is the best Spider-man girl, but they forget that Gwen’s hatred of Spider-man kept her from ever being able to love Peter Parker in his fullness and kept Peter from being able to be honest with her, but Mary Jane is the one who could take Spider-man and Peter Parker as a whole, noble, messed-up package.

Peter Parker, the self-obsessed nerd and Mary Jane the empathic party girl complement and teach each other. Mary Jane can understand and be there for Peter in a way others can’t, and Peter can bring the quiet intimacy she can never have in her life, though admittedly that comes with the stress of a superhero husband.

4) 2B/9S from Nier: Automata

And back to my horrifically unhealthy ships. Nier: Automata’s a heavy game, dealing with existentialism and the cycle of violence. I’m pretty sure I’ve talked these two to death time and time again, but I love repeating myself so:

2B and 9S are creatures created for violence to do violence, specifically for a repetitive, cyclical war and have been defined by that their whole life. Through that entire thing, what have they had except for themselves? When you factor in the violence and resentment that has a weird parallel with a lot of real life relationships, you get something that feels raw and violent, but nonetheless filled with love and pain. That’s what the world is after all: it’s cruel and filled with pain and everyone is going to hurt you, even the one most important to you. But there’s hope and there’s love and we can keep going for that.

3) Kraft Lawrence/Holo The Wisewolf from Spice & Wolf

Spice & Wolf gets a reputation which, while not entirely undeserved, has more to do with its marketing than the content of the show. It was a show that surprised me so much the first time I watched it. I didn’t realize a romance show could be like this. I didn’t know fantasy shows could be like this. I didn’t know anime could be like this. It was so down-to-earth and subdued and, despite its fantastic setting, real.

Then there’s Lawrence and Holo. While Holo’s definitely a magical girlfriend who comes out of nowhere, it avoids the anime cliches. She doesn’t bring Lawrence into a world of adventure or save him, but rather they enter a partnership, and in the most brutal terms, that is what a relationship is. It’s a level of maturity that permeates the relationship that I love. There is friction and dire points, and the characters screw up, but in understandable ways, and they work to amend it. The anime isn’t above some ‘hurr durr I walked in on her naked’ nonsense, but the two handle it like adults rather than like overactive cartoon characters. Lawrence himself will also actually flirt back with Holo and comment on her ‘nice tail’ ho ho ho. It’s nice to see a male lead in an anime that’s somewhere between completely agency-less and a predatory creep.

In any case, if you haven’t seen Spice & Wolf, please see Spice & Wolf, it’s the best romance anime made.

2) Okabe Rintarou/Makise Kurise from Steins; Gate

Hot damn, where do I start with these losers? I’ve made no secret that I find a lot of parallels between these two and my own relationship, an abrasive nerd who shows affection by being verbally obtuse and somehow has managed to gather a group of friends through some weird force of personality and a charming brilliant girl who gets easily flustered by the teasing, but also enjoys terrorizing the other party as well. I love the model of bickering made out to be flirting, and it never feels more genuine than here/

Beyond that, they’re just purely lovable people and their entire progression of romance just feels, again, real. They feel like real people feeling real emotions. They’re not as mature as Lawrence and Holo, but they do care and grow and ultimately, the show becomes about what you will do for the most important person in the world to you, as well as understanding what makes someone the most important person in the world to you.

If you haven’t watched Steins; Gate WATCH STEINS; GATE

1) Minato/Aigis from Persona 3

I played Persona 3 during a very hard time in my life. So that probably influences stuff, but boy. These two, guys. These two.

Minato and Aigis approach life in a weirdly similar way. Aigis has just entered into understanding what life is and Minato is a step away from the ledge at the point where they meet. Aigis is single-minded, and Minato is detached… it seems at first that the relationship is superficial, and later it is.

Being close to Minato hurts Aigis numerous times, including the most painful final time, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have done it or that it was worthless. Persona 3 is a game about how life will hurt you, but life is still worth living. That’s Aigis’ last lesson to learn by the end of the game. She ends up fighting not for the world of humanity, or even her friends, but for one man she found. And you don’t need to save the world to find meaning in life. All you need is something simple, like someone to take care of.

And damn are those not some of the best words ever put in a video game.

#Malk Muses #long post #long long post

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dvstpan · 6 years

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❀ *ﾟ ━ final self para taking place on wednesday (June 27th) and detailing/reflecting upon the events of sunday and monday (June 24th & 25th), involving the evolution of relationships between dustin and teddy, hazel, and his parents ❀ *ﾟ ━ credit to miss meg ( @lcsbicas / @teduardo ) for helping me out with dialogue, details, etc; everything in here involving people who belong to her have been aided and checked with by her personally because obviously, they aren’t mine ❀ *ﾟ ━ she’s long and a bit trigger heavy in some areas or touching on heavy subjects, so please proceed with caution ❀ *ﾟ ━ TRIGGER WARNINGS: suicide, abuse, mental illness, mostly mentioned but still the situation surrounding it, therefore i’m giving the fair warning

Mr. Graves, we have come to the conclusion through our evaluation that you have developed schizophrenia.

Life was changing. The zipper slowly traveled around the edge of the suitcase, his nimble hands flipping it open, as Dustin began to pause and attempt to think about what he needed to pack with him on the adventure ahead of him. Adventure might be a strong word for the way he felt, lamenting over it silently as he racked his brain for all the options. His head was clearer now that he had left the hospital and their temporary medication that, to his knowledge, wasn’t actually meant to be used for schizophrenia so much as chill him out to the point he could be fine with just about anything under the damn sun, was keeping him balanced. The voices making conversation in his head were considerably quieter- still there, just quieter. They weren’t screaming and shouting and that was all that really mattered. It was tolerable, which was all he wanted- more tolerable than it had been on Saturday evening. Their droning would be annoying, admittedly, if the treatment wasn’t causing him to turn a blind eye to it. He was pretty sure he could get hit with a brick without getting angry in the slightest right then and there. His hand came up to scratch the side of his face, a subtle reminder he needed to shave his stubble when that evening when he would be settled in back in Manhattan. A trip back home, by the end of all this, was nothing less than necessary. His parents wanted him to come home, take a breather, take five steps away from it all, and he needed to be present for a court hearing in an attempt to receive a restraining order against the son of a bitch that was his biological father. If only everything were simple and he could just wish for him to go away- he would have been long gone many, many years ago. Life wasn’t fair, though, and it left him wondering- if his father hadn’t come back into his life, if he had left him alone after he had turned sixteen, rather than harassing him, would this be different? Would he have developed schizophrenia? That’s not what he’s supposed to be dwelling on right now, he reminded himself, as he moved to start rummaging through his clothes drawer. If he was missing anything- anything at all- he was sure that Teddy would run it all by him before he ran out the door again. As he began pulling out several pairs of socks, he glanced back at Teddy where he was perched on Dustin’s bed, exchanging a smile. How did he ever get so lucky to have friends who would stick with him through it all? It was ugly, and it wasn’t going to be easy, and Teddy of all the people was going to have to put up with the blunt of it considering they lived together- yet, he had been so hopeful and surprised by the concept that Dustin was going to come home, as if he ever thought he wouldn’t. If anything, Dustin thought it should be the other way around- he was grateful Teddy still wanted him around, wanted to deal with it all.

The aftermath aside, he also knew that the evening, and what happened then, was easy for no one, as his meticulous hands began pairing socks up that had just been haphazardly tossed into the drawer when he was too busy to actually fold them together, tossing them like a game of hot potato over his shoulder for Teddy to catch. He was pretty damn sure if he threw a pair of boxers at him, on the other hand, Teddy might make some kind of awful, dirty joke. He considered it as he rummaged through his drawers, his grey eyes wandering to the paper that had been set out on the table, his brow furrowing. Dustin didn’t want to feel guilty about what happened. Still, now everyone knew, and everyone knew what happened, and Teddy knew what it looked like, cleaning up his room and finding out what was in his head. Those demented delusions that stemmed from an extreme, chaotic downward spiral of paranoia… Never had Dustin felt so fucking terrified in his life, and never had he been so lost and irrational. Nothing he did then had been irrational, and there was a gap in time he wasn’t sure of exactly what happened, in another world entirely. Everyone should be angry with him for not saying anything, for not knowing how to talk about it, not wanting to admit what was happening to him, trying to run away from it instead, convincing himself that it was all because his father had scared him, and it would pass because it always passed. Dustin might be smart academically, but his common sense didn’t always reach the level ground. His movements stilled, shuffling over to his desk after a long pause and rooting through the papers. He really needed to just shred them, never look at them again, and he knew he probably shouldn’t look at them now, when he just got out of the hospital. However, he felt fine. He wanted to see for himself what had been going through his fucking head, why he made such a damn mess for everyone. What he read, sentences in disjointed handwriting that weren’t quite the mostly neat, as some friends would call ‘cute’ handwriting that he called terrible. In fact, he could barely read it- he could still read it enough and make out the words that Teddy would have too. It didn’t paint a pretty picture. Phrases like spying on me and watching me through cameras and voices telling me to do bad things painted the very opposite, his stomach flipping. To think that the cause of all this was his father, all along, after all these years, was nothing less than horrific. God, that phone call his mother took when she recognized the name across Dustin’s phone…

I am his mother. You don’t know a single thing about him, and I’m glad, because he deserved far better than that, and I gave him that. We gave him that. I love my son more than ANYTHING. Lose my son’s number and stay the hell away from him.

After a childhood of hurting in silence, of what seemed like a lifetime of teaching Dustin how to shut up, sit down, and take whatever was shoved down his throat and never say anything about it if it was bad, realizing that he couldn’t do it alone was almost ground-breaking. He had just woken up halfway through her talk with Winsor, starting him from something she said in the hallway when her voice raised. It wasn’t hard to wake him when he was a light sleeper, easily doing the trick, leaving him to catch snippets throughout the rest of the call. With fingers curled in the sheets of the hospital bed, tension in every inch of his body as it went on and on, fearing the worst might happen, that somehow, some way, Winsor would bring his wrath to the table, fear that was purely from words and his past more than the present and actions to pair with it. He wasn’t given much time to dwell on that fear when he was ultimately distracted by the notion that his mom cared enough to stick her neck out for him in the way that she was. Looking back upon it, he realized how unhealthy his way of thinking for all those years had been, and perhaps that meant that, despite the wreckage it had caused, being hospitalized had helped him grow. Fate had some way of piecing everything back to the way that it should be; maybe it was meant to have happened. Nevertheless, the verbal altercation between his mom and the man who had hurt him over, and over, and over again in more ways than Dustin could ever fathom, brought him to tears. He had never expected anyone to defend him, if only for the reason that as a child, he had to defend himself alone. Absolutely and completely alone, with no one around that cared enough to stop it or old enough to stop it. It had evolved from there to accepting that he would have to go through everything that involved his father alone, whether or not he could keep his head above water throughout it all. Though this was a big change, one that almost uprooted him, as much as he had braced himself against it, it had brought on unexpected good.

“You okay?”

Teddy’s voice started him out of his thoughtful stupor, looking over at his friend and offering him a small smile, nodding his head. Once he gathered his bearings and turned to his shredder, flicking it on, he ran the papers through them. He didn’t need reminders of what had happened, and he was more than happy to let them go. Easing them down one by one, he flashed another smile in Teddy’s direction when he moved back to the drawer, beginning to root through it again, deciding the underwear would have to be up next, then he could move to his closet to retrieve hsi shirts and pants. Couldn’t leave without some of his nice clothes, mixed in with something normal. Though, if he was honest, he probably had some old clothes in boxes in his room in Manhattan. “I’m okay,” he confirmed verbally at last as he drummed his fingers on the set of drawers, finding himself smiling gratefully. Teddy had been around at the hospital for as often and as long as he could, reluctant to leave his side that first day- Dustin couldn’t even begin to fathom how thankful he was for the company. Teddy had made it known how important Dustin was to him, not just in words, but in his actions, bringing in all kinds of crap he couldn’t technically make use of in the hospital (for example, pyjamas) and a gentle press of lips to his forehead when it was mentioned he wanted him to come home soon, please. It shook him to his core, to see people show their care for him so deeply- not just because he was hospitalized, but because they genuinely and truly had been scared shitless about him. I can’t lose you, essentially, said in more or less words, the general gist of what he had said when they talked about it. The three days in the hospital had been very long and emotionally draining; it was nothing compared to the three days of hell before that, and he had gladly put up with it by comparison. Looking over his shoulder at Teddy again, still half-considering throwing the underwear at him to stuff into the suitcase, he mulled over the chain of events.

Mate, it’s a mental illness, not the bloody plague. Of course I still want to live with you.

Sometimes, words were immeasurable to actions. Sometimes, words made more impact than actions ever could, and it was why he valued words over actions. They were what he needed right when he needed it, more fulfilling and reassuring than actions- Dustin could be so blind to the people around him and what their actions equated to. The complicated balance-beam of a relationship he had with others, often confused by past experiences, past relationships gone sour, and all the ugliness that had come with it, he found it far too easy to assume that he was doing something wrong or saying something bad or he was a burden, a million different fears that never really came to light, festering into a truth internally. How could he not see it? Looking back, he couldn’t fathom how he hadn’t seen it- at least in Teddy, who was practically his sunshine-y other half, exuberating love and positivity and his silly humor, or in Hazel’s soft touches and affection, and both of their desires to confide in him, where they all three found it more difficult elsewhere. Secrets were swapped, truths made easier. Teddy had never given him any reason to believe that if he ever did fall to his high risk and develop what he had long dreaded, he would change his mind about their living situation. In fact, Teddy had never given him so much as a breadcrumb to believe such a thing- Fear wasn’t rational, he supposed. Hearing it from himself, and seeing the way he so lovingly cared for him, to the point of passing the fuck out lying next to him in the hospital bed, was jolting. Teddy was willing to deal with it without even batting an eyelid, never thinking twice to answer it, and that was everything. How did he ever end up so lucky?

And perhaps, he’d take it for granted for just a moment longer to be a brat as the boxers were thrown over his shoulder, the arising noise that Teddy made a fair indication he had hit his mark and landed them right on his face. Bingo.

“Hey! When people say they wanna get into your pants, this isn’t what they mean!”

Hey, look at me- I see no reason why, if we get you sorted, get you some nice medication, and get you happy as Flappy Larry again, that you can’t come back to work. We’ll do it one step at a time, okay? Don’t worry about work. You can talk to Hazel, or I can do it for you, and if it’s a no, then maybe you can come back here. I’ll find out the engineering stuff for you, yeah? Your life’s not over. It’s just a little different.

Life was changing, and he was blessed to be surrounded with people who would support him through it, catch him when the cliff crumbled under him, pull him back up again. Dustin tried his hardest to be as independent as possible from a young age, always finding it troubling to have to accept help from someone else, anyone at all. The situation he had been thrown into had been life-changing, and he never thought he would be so fucking relieved to pick up a Facetime from his dad to his mom and see his dad’s face, letting out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding when he saw his face. This wasn’t easy. This hadn’t been easy on anyone, nor had Dustin made it easy on anyone by keeping his mouth shut out of sheer terror, paranoia-induced delusions, and an awful cocktail produced by his own mind. A mind so beautiful, able to craft anything from his pile of circuit boards and at school, and work his magic with tattoos, was also capable of being entirely merciless, and suddenly he couldn’t do it alone anymore. Too much had happened in one day, for the both of them, for everyone he knew that was close to him, and seeing his own dad break down into tears over the phone was both heartbreaking and eye-opening, the words that he was met with shaking him to his very core and bringing Dustin to tears all over again too. I’m just so glad you’re okay… God, Dustin had been a hot mess throughout that entire phone call, sniveling and sniffling and snotting all over himself and trying to pull the strings all back together. Slowly, that had transitioned into an explanation for what had gone wrong, what had happened, where the error was that led him here, broken parts coming to light. Of course, his parents had feared it for the longest time, but he had been so damn close to turning thirty that he thought, if he hung on, for just a year and a half more, that risk would drop- he’d slip by unscathed. Life didn’t work out the way anyone wanted it to. Finding himself opening his closet to begin picking out shirts and jeans from his racks of clothes, his thoughts continued to wander.

You are my family, you are our family. David, he loves you so much. Did I ever tell you that Josh once told me he wants to grow up to be like you, just because he wants to talk to daddy like you do? Dave messes up your name even now, but he used to put Reynolds on your school forms, and not even notice until I pointed it out. Even then he wouldn’t notice what was wrong with it for a moment. You know how much having a baby meant to me. But at the end of the day, it didn’t matter if it never happened, because I had you. I am so glad they have you as their brother, and you have them.

The phone call from his dad that eventually led to talking about what would happen now, what would happen now that he was schizophrenic, was reassuring, paired with Carly’s gentle we’ll figure it out, okay? But the conversation with his mother the next day was absolutely eye-opening and riveting. At first, it was a hard pill to swallow, a sharp contrast to what he had spent a good portion of his life feeling. Feelings of inadequacy and as if he was an outsider in his own family had built up and up and up with all those dinners with the extended family, and the added pressure from his biological parents later down the road. They knew just how to tear a hole where it hurt the most and push him out of the comfort of being in a loving home in ways he couldn’t quite express, leaving him feeling empty and alone. It hadn’t helped his assumption he had to keep quiet about parts of his life and keep to himself. After time had passed, he had come to accept it as a truth, without ever asking, allowing that to settle in as a stinging wound. To hear the exact opposite from his mom had been… disconcerting, initially. More of a shell-shock, really. Maybe he was an idiot who wouldn’t know common sense if it waltzed up and smacked him in the face- maybe he just needed to hear it, growing up six years in his early childhood without ever hearing any words of love from the two people who were supposed to love him and screwing him up even more. Whatever it was, it was what he needed, settled in that hospital bed and bawling his eyes out after his mom had taken his phone to have a word with Winsor. He loved them, he loved them so damn much, and how could he have ever thought they didn’t reciprocate the same feelings for him as they did for their other children? What had been going on in his head? The change in headspace was still difficult to adjust to, though the few days he had spent in the hospital alone were enough to leave him feeling like he had no fucking clue why he had logically come to that conclusion to begin with. It felt even more foolish when he saw the tattoo on her hip of the four little birds- one for each kid. He had been so blessed with his family… Sighing to himself and removing the clothes he needed from the closet, grabbing a few shirts and sweatpants while he was at it, he shuffled back to the bed, setting them down to begin folding them diligently. He was going to be saying goodbye to Hazel at the airport.

I’m here for you, okay? I love you.

Hazel had taken his diagnosis… well, just about the same as he had, he supposed. She looked sad, but she had already known this was possible, no matter how fresh it was. Yet, she was supportive, asking what she could do immediately, gathering information, looking to comfort him with affection. How he ever chose such amazing friends, he’ll never know. Hazel was his oldest friend if he wasn’t counting the boys back in Manhattan, and they had always stuck by each other’s side through thick and thin- she had never given him any reason to believe otherwise. Hell, she had saved his life. He was alive because of Hazel, even if he still narrowly escaped death again in the back of an ambulance when his heart stopped. There was no friendship like it, nothing comparable to the way they looked out for each other. They were each other’s soft place to land. Hazel meant more to him than she could ever know, and he was glad that she thought she could confide in him for all the things that she thought was too late to tell anyone else. He would never be able to repay her for all that she had done for him over the past week, including the gift she didn’t have to get him in the slightest- that damn Breaking Benjamin debut album Saturate he had dropped the other week and shattered and had been bitching about ever since. It was in mint condition, too. Dustin would have to figure out a way to thank her when he came back home, he thought, as he tucked his Porg into the suitcase and zipped it up, plonking his hat onto his head and heaving the suitcase off the bed to the floor. All that was left was to urge Muppet into his little dog carrier.

Of course, Teddy followed him to the door. Dustin didn’t mind that Teddy had settled himself on his bed while he packed- if it made him feel better, to be able to see his best friend while he was doing something as mundane as packing, then he would gladly take the company. When he was finally to the door and ready to head on out, Teddy wrapped him up in a long, tight hug, one that was equally as reciprocated by Dustin. Arms wrapped around the shorter half tightly, he pressed a kiss to the top of his head, squeezing him slightly. He knew he had just come back after being gone for a week, and he would miss Teddy as much as the other would likely miss him. It wouldn’t be long, though- he would be back before he knew it, and hopefully in a better mindset. Teddy pressed the softest of kisses to his shoulder and he smiled to himself. The hug lasted for far, far longer than it really needed to, perhaps the tightest hug he had ever received. He didn’t deserve someone as soft and sweet and loving as Teddy, giving him one final squeeze before he finally pulled back and smiled at him.

“Call me if you need me, yeah?”

Life was changing, but it wasn’t all bad. Sometimes, it gave and it took away, like the ocean. He just had to embrace it.

#answer the phone and listen to me (self paras)#mental illness tw #suicide tw #abuse tw #3.8k of utter garbage

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red-hot-hope-blog · 7 years

Text

22 Weird Things You'll Experience when You Stop Shaving

1. In our culture, it’s still terrifying at first.You look around at everyone else with their smooth, bare legs and armpits and realize how taboo body hair really is. Stepping out naturally hairy feels like a social death sentence. It seems certain that each person you encounter will look at you with disgust and that no one will see you as sexually attractive ever again. Still, in the back of your mind you remember how natural it really is, that some other cultures do find it quite acceptable, and that you hate shaving all the time. You might even break down and shave every so often, but in the end, you persist and let your hair grow no matter how frightened you still are. 2. It’s strange, but you keep looking at yourself and thinking it isn’t that bad.As you watch your little leg hairs get longer and longer and feel the prickles of your once-forgotten armpit hair soften, you’ll look in the mirror or down at your legs and feel calmly okay about it. It’s different than when you shaved, but looks and feels very...normal. 3. You want to touch and play with your legs a lot.Touching your smooth legs right after shaving used to seem nice, but by the end of the day they felt like a cactus with a million sharp, tiny prickles. With the hair grown out, your legs feel soft. And the skin beneath still feels silky smooth. You wouldn’t have guessed it, but all that gentle texture is downright tantalizing. 4. A lot of people don’t really notice.You were afraid that you would look like you have furry man-legs, but the hair on your legs is actually much more sparse than you thought. And your armpit hair is hidden in, well, your armpits. Many people can’t even see your body hair while you are out and about. And when the weather is cold enough, it’s all covered up anyways. This might be easier to get away with than you thought. 5. Did it get warmer out here?You used to get chilled by the breeze so easily, even in the summertime. That was the joke: “women are always cold.” Now your exposed, naturally fuzzy legs feel a lot more comfortable out in the elements and the shivers have become rare. 6. Natural hair starts to look comfortingly normal when you see it on other people.After all, there is just something so completely natural about it. It appears as if it is meant to be there. You find yourself looking at photos of models and celebrities who have been brave enough to show off their body hair and it looks right. By contrast, the mass amount of people who shave start to look artificial and edgy...like they are missing something. 7. Many of the people who do notice don’t seem to really care.Okay, so your leg hair was glistening a bit in the sun or you lifted your arms up in excitement and your little puff of armpit hair was revealed. Everyone definitely saw. Yet no one says a word. They don’t look at you funny. They don’t even treat you any differently. Huh. That’s kind of nice. 8. You’ll feel the need to hide or throw out your razors in order to strengthen your resolve.It’s still so tempting to shave, just to end the mental discomfort. If you shaved, maybe you wouldn’t have to think so much about feminism and unrealistic physical expectations and time wasted on materialism anymore...you could just be blissfully ignorant… And then you are disgusted by your own thoughts and throw out every razor in the house so as not to succumb in moments of weakness. Besides, you can’t bear to let the people who do know about your decision to be “au naturale” think you are a wuss who gave up. 9. You start to actually prefer how you look with all of your body hair.It begins to matter less to you what other people think about it, because you start to think you look and act sexier with it. It shows you are an adult woman with enough inner strength and personal confidence in herself to make a difficult decision and let her body be exactly as it is. And that attitude is very sexy. Plus, it’s all so soft and mysteriouslooking... 10. When people do notice and do care, it actually makes you feel kind of smug and powerful, which is fun.You were talking with a stranger and when you lifted your arm to gesture, she caught a glimpse of your armpit fuzziness and was clearly mortified. You kind of laugh inside. She has no idea how good you feel, how much less effort and stress you experience from trying to be “good enough”. You find yourself hoping that the memory sticks with her and plants a seed that grows into doubt about her own shaving habits. 11. You’ll find yourself being surprisingly truthful with your partner and male friends.It starts with your partner, because you can’t hide it from him. When he questions you about it, you find yourself spilling your guts about the stress of getting ready in the mornings, the ugly and painful razor burn, the feeling that you can never please a man unless you do so much to make your body “just right”, the fears that hair-removal encourage a youth-focused sexuality that borders on pedophilia… It was easy to gripe with other women about these things, but once you've already been that vulnerable with your man, you find yourself being able to share these difficult, oppressed feelings with other men too. 12. You will feel strangely more equal to men.Now that giving up shaving has encouraged you to openly share your female opinions and emotions with men, they start to look at you in a different light. They start to question why they've found shaved hair attractive and expected. When you have body hair and are willing to share why, men see your humanity and not just your polished appearance. And this creates the compassion which paves the way for equality. 13. You’ll desperately want other women to join the fight.Okay, admittedly, a big part of you wants all the other women to quit shaving just so that you don’t have to feel self-conscious or alone anymore. There is comfort in conformity. But the more noble piece of you wants all women to stop shaving so that they feel like less of a sex object and more like a person, and at the same time know that they can be completely irresistible just as they are in their natural, female form. You imagine what more women could achieve in art, science, and technology if they spent less time and mental energy on material appearance alone. And you begin passionately expressing this vision to other women. 14. So many men shave their faces. You start to believe that they should stop too.After considering the sexual oppression you have undergone as a woman in being expected to shave and wear makeup in order to fit the cultural beauty standard, you realize that our society does the same thing to men. You look around at the shaved masculine faces and consider that these men are fighting a perfectly normal bodily expression of their masculinity in order to appear more professional, less threatening, or more attractive to certain women. And you begin to want men to stop shaving and embrace their true selves just as much as you want the same for women. 15. You will feel more like yourself.You can’t quite pinpoint why it works this way, but you feel more at home inside of your body. You are more present and drift off in thought a little less. You gain a better sense of who you are and what you believe in and feel more comfortable expressing that. 16. You will feel less nervous and more grounded.With that newfound ease of being in your own skin comes a sense of inner stability. You start to feel calmer and you actually move with more grace and certainty. Maybe your body hair acts like antennae, allowing you to read the environment around you and make subtle adjustments in how you react. Surely there is some biological or metaphysical explanation – you sense this intuitively – but really you are just glad to feel better than you have since before adolescence (probably around the time you caved to the social requirement of shaving in the first place). 17. Armpit hair on women is somehow so alluring.As you look at yourself in the mirror and at beautifully done photos of au naturale women, you start to realize how sensual women look with armpit hair. There is a wholeness and an ease to these women. And something dark, playful, and seductive about that tease of fluffy hair. Maybe it’s their breezy confidence, the lack of worry about being technically “sexy”. Or maybe armpit hair is what we actually find more visually appealing deep down, once we rid our mind of what society has told us we are supposed to like. Either way, you now personally find it very attractive and feminine. 18. And did you know you can feel the wind through your leg hair?You are walking outside, bravely baring your natural legs and a new, tickley, wonderful sensation brushes through you and takes you off guard. You’ve never felt that before and it feels almost as amazing as when wind blows through the hair on your head. It makes you feel very connected to the earth and sky, both physically and spiritually. 19. It makes people more uncomfortable to hear you talk about keeping all of your body hair than it does for them to actually see you do it.When you simply go about your business as your hairy self, most people don’t seem to care. But as soon as you verbally point it out, people start to squirm. Not everyone wants to delve into the real reasons behind their long-standing habits or standards for attractiveness. And it is difficult for anyone to admit that they may have been carrying unhealthy or oppressive opinions, or that they have been doing something purely out of physical insecurity. 20. Your legs stay so much more moisturized.You assume it is because the hair allows your skins oils to wick down along your legs or simply because you aren't tearing up your skin with razors. Whatever it is, you never get the dry, scaly legs you used to and you no longer have to use oil or lotion on your legs. They keep themselves smooth and soft. 21. Razor burn is forgotten forever. No more itching. No more burning. No more hideous red boils on your armpits or legs. You don't miss any of it. 22. Others will support and applaud you, and it will feel very humbling.You start to receive admiration where you thought you would find disgust. Friends tell you that what you are doing (or rather what you've stopped doing) inspires them and this surprises you. It becomes clear that more women than you realized are longing for permission to put down the razor and be accepted for who they can’t help that they are. And more men than you had hoped are looking for women who are confident enough to be comfortable in their bodies and not constantly get distracted chasing a false, and ultimately pointless, ideal of sexual attractiveness. Your partner tells you he never wants you to feel again that you won’t be loved, accepted, or considered beautiful unless you fight your body's ordinary state every day. He doesn't think anyone should feel that way. You start to feel loved. You start to feel supported. You start to feel hopeful. You even start to feel like things are changing for the better. And this fuels you through each and every day as your gorgeous, natural, hairy self. I love you all!! Thank you for reading!

#anti shaving #naturalhair #naturalbeauty #body hair #body positive #armpits #leg hair

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