#fuck im tired of being so repressed i dont even have the words for what i feel truly

[hecksupremechips]

Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over

Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰

#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually #very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds #like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd #but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga #and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit #and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’ #which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road #its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16! #he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control #which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’ #so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way #like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health #i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to #be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident! #so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game #is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me #cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused #but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone #like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways #and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed #but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child #shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING #HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY #like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work #apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs #his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be #better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy #and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad #how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel #makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired

[sadistcoyote]

.

#how can you show love when you never felt that as a child #i just feel like a little kid crying alone in my room silently again #asking my mom to come here wanting to #tell her what im thinking. how im feeling #and choking up. not saying a damn thing. sitting there fighting to get a sound out for 5 minutes #just to be yelled at #waste of time. coward. it must not be bad enough if you cant spit it out #i only know to internalize all my feelings and thoughts. #i cannot ever allow myself to reveal truths about myself #i was created to be used up #my existence is to give but i will never be allowed to take #i will never deserve to feel the same love i try to give to others #and even then im not good at that either #fuck im tired of being so repressed i dont even have the words for what i feel truly

[aceymazy]

can i request a idv norton x reader nsfw hc please

yes. you can. (wow another idv req... all i have rn are idv reqs and one sally face from months ago.)(That was a cry for requests)

<---------->

Well well how did you even get here?

Pinned on the bed under Norton who is staring at you with a predatory gaze without saying a word.

You got him jealous. Not that you need to do much to make him jealous, he easily gets jealous.

But you went too far today it seems.

First headcanon as that he'll always dominate. No matter what. No matter how much you beg or do anything for him he wouldnt let you.

(^) Considering this, he would only let you dominate if he's tired and just wants love when he feels like his worlds about to crumble.

(^) Pamper him, praise him, tell him how much he matters to you and that you dont see him as a monster for what happend, hes putty already in your hands.

When he dominates and gets too into the feeling, sometimes (might i mention also accidentally) he would just randomly degrade you without him even noticing. Calling you names like 'Cunt', 'Whore', 'Slut' etc. (Sometimes he gets so into it he starts to rant about how submissive you are for him, and that you wouldnt even be able to live without his cock inside you, or something along those lines.)

Hes ROUGH. His pace is fast, and hes grabbing your hips/waist hard. He will wait until you adjust though, he dosent want to hurt you.

Along the lines of not wanting to hurt you, he wants you to feel pleasure aswell, not just him. Just imagine one day youre in Nortons bed, both of you cuddling when he suddenly asks if you have any fetishes/kinks.

Awkward conversation but he takes your words to heart, he really just wants to pleasure you.

After the whole shabang is done, he would get you water or some snack you ask but he wouldnt bathe you. Hes too embarrassed after to even look at your naked body, so you have to do that one yourself...

But he would make sure youre alright, still conscious and that youre not too hurt of his pace or marks he left.

Would even offer to massage you after, and if you agree, he would make sure to do it gently, not to 'accidentally hurt your now over-sensitive body or something'. (his words)

Now onto kinks, hes definitely into praise.

Maybe hes into semi-public sex, but that depends on where, when and if hes too much in the mood. (Sometimes when hes just horny he just represses the feeling and goes on with his day without it even being there)

Definitely into cock warming. Like you both could be doing anything and he would just sit there, with you on his lap, his cock in your hole as you both do your respective things/hobbies.

He goes absolutely apeshit if you manage to get your hands on lingerie and tease him with it. He would just want to fuck you right then and there and just rip the lingerie off your body if you allow him. (If you manage to speak that is. Take that however you will.)

A few nono's during sex is degradation. He'll feel awful if you call him something derogatory, even if its accidental.

dosent really like public sex but if its semi public and youre into it he might give in.

despises being tied up, but hes hesitant on tying you up, even if its a kink of yours.

hahahahahhaah im going insane x3

#hcs #scenarios #idv x reader #idv #idv dating hcs #idv headcanons #idv scenarios #idv smut #aceymazy #norton campbell #idv norton #idv norton campbell #idv norton hcs

[sabaramonds]

the thing about mikoto of milgram fame is that hes like. okay. so theres a lot that cant be said about him yet because his 2nd trial hasnt released and wont be for quite a while and his music video and interrogation only tell us so much. but what they DO tell us is um. enough to say some things if he answered his interrogation questions honestly, we know he has a younger sister he brags about, his parents are divorced and his father isnt involved in their lives. in regards to his mother, he says that “she raised me. i cant let her worry.” he downplays his own interests/hobbies a lot. he said he played baseball in high school but that he wasnt good at it; he went to an art school but did so in order to go into business (though design was related to his chosen company) and says that he likes drawing but, again, isnt good at it. he says he hates working late nights but we see him pulling an all nighter at work in ‘undercover’. when asked why hes working his current job, he says he worked incredibly hard to even get hired, so its something to be proud of. finally, when asked if he ever gets angry, he says he doesnt. he says, “i dont think ive ever gotten angry before. isnt it disgraceful to get angry?” theres also the following milgram portal conversation (src):

Yuno: Hey, Mikoto-san. Don’t you get tired being so conscious of others all the time? I mean, you’re free to do what you want though.

Mikoto: Eh…… Aha, what are you talking about? I’m not being conscious or anything. It’s normal to make sure to get along with everyone, right?

I mean, when you put it like that, aren’t you the same, Yun-chan? You’re always smiling and getting on with everyone too.

Yuno: I don’t smile unless I actually want to. But with you, when you’re talking with other people it’s more like you only smile deliberately. So I kept thinking, don’t your cheeks get tired?

Ah, is this just what happens when you become a working adult? ……you see people like that sometimes.

Mikoto: Haha, you don’t mince your words do you.

…….that was never my intention, but now that you mention it, yeah, I guess I do. This might’ve been since I started my job too…… But like, if I was rude to everyone I met, all my efforts would come to nothing, right?

all these little things add up to paint a picture of a stressed and deeply repressed guy working a job he doesnt actually like (but he has to have a successful job he can brag about or his mother will worry) he thinks little of his own interests and hobbies and socializes more out of obligation than out of genuine desire. all of this culminates to um...his present situation... basically what i want to say is that i think its fine. also i think he killed someone and immediately repressed it but that incident is entirely unrelated to his anime brand DID and his alter. who aside from trying to whale on es that one time has only ever really showed up to be like “can you shut the fuck up. and get away from me. im trying to be normal over here and you are RUINING my life” or to pace around in mikotos cell in the middle of the night like a creature. i think mikoto 2 was entirely unrelated to mikotos repression stress induced rage murder but they might have cleaned up after him idk. we will see. mikoto wants to be a normal guy having a normal time and not worrying his family at all ever and never experiencing anything like anger or frustration at all EVER EVER!! because he has to set a good example for his sister and be the perfect son for his mom so she can relax. and he doesnt think he can do the things he enjoys for the sake of doing them. so what im saying is if he killed someone who cares. whatever. also we should all mass vote him forgiven/innocent just to spite kotoko after last nights birthday timeline post. AND because it would be funny as hell and the fandom flopped HARD voting haruka guilty/unforgiven. like god forbid girls have a little fun 🙄 btw its my firm belief that the tarot set we see in his mv (and i could talk a lot about the rest of the imagery used in that video but its almost 2am and ive rambled long enough) was designed by him during college. really funny to think about it like that. he does have one of the card designs (the. hangman, actually. i think) visible on a canvas in his apartment, partially obscured behind his couch at one point. so. lol

#milgram #guys named mikoto be like. normal with something wrong with them #my ramblings

[ovinetanuki]

i sat at that womans funeral and promised myself i would never be so horrible. i watched her die a little day by day for months, feeding her and cleaning her even though i knew it didnt matter, and said to myself i would never end up like that. i wanted so badly to be different and to do better, but the truth is I'll never be better. i look and act just like her, its encoded in my dna and i hate it so much.

you're so selfish, you're so manipulative, you're so disrespectful, you're so mean, you're so rude, you're so dismissive

i know, i know, i know, i know, i know, i know i fucking know, godammit i'm not that stupid i fucking know! you dont think I've peiced that together by now? you dont think ive figured that out? you dont think i look back at every stupid, shitty thing ive ever said and done and want to die? im sorry. ive said it so many times its not even a real word anymore. i could say it a hundred times, a million times, i could say it until the universe succumbs to entropy and it would still never be enough to say how sorry i am. no amount of apologies or grovelling will ever be enough.

its so infuriating seeing your own psychotic, warped behavior playing out in real time and knowing that its stupid, knowing thats its wrong, knowing thats its Not Normal and not being able to do a damn thing about it. never being able to see past your emotions because you are your emotions and your feelings take up every atom in your body. sitting there vibrating with rage and hatred and clamping your mouth shut because you know anything that comes out will be the most vitriolic, evil thing you can imagine. being so good at burying your thoughts that you dont have any left. repressing your feelings so much that you physically cant cry anymore.

i want to be better but there is no better version of me to return to. no one can make me better because no has what it takes and i would never expect anyone to. my only solution is to disappear. and i dont mean that in a "oh woe is me im such a pissbaby and i want everyone to pity me and everyone should feel sorry for me" kind of way, i mean that in a "ive seen this exact story play out a dozen times and know how it fucking ends because I'VE FUCKING SEEN IT BEFORE."

im so tired of hiding and pretending to be something im not. im tired of trying make other people understand. people never undertand, and it doesnt matter how much i try to explain it or how many times i say it, they never fucking understand. im tired of hurting and hurting other people.

im tired of people telling me i dont care. it makes me want to rip thier throat out so then maybe they can feel an ounce of how much it hurts. i wish i didnt care. i wish i could stop caring. I would delete everything, EVERYTHING and burn it all to the ground and feel nothing at all. I'd throw it all down the drain and laugh while everyone flopped around in the ashes trying to find something to save. i care so much its killing me. i care so much that i cant eat and i cant sleep and i cant think. say i dont care one more time and I'll show you what happens when i dont fucking care.

im so sick of it. it makes me want to vomit.

#vent

[arthur-kingsmen]

in theory, doing reckless things in the hopes someone notices im not okay sounds like a nice idea, in practice it just gets me yelled at and reminds me i should just keep this shit to myself

#idk #i dont know how to say! any of this! #theres so much going on in my head and i wanna just cry and scream but i dont have words! #i get part of it out #and maybe cry a lil #but i feel like im doing worse than i can explain and i hate it #and its! my! fault! for not being able to even say anything! #how can i be upset others dont notice if i cant even convey whats wrong in the first place? #plus im fine when people are around and i almost hate it #ill be okay but the second i go home or everyone sleeps i just ffucking break #i almost wanna have a breakdown in front of someone so its OBVIOUS #but i cant! i just make stupid jokes and repress everything and cry the second im alone #i fucking hate myself so much #delete later #its whatever #im just tired of myself #i wish i was better with this #but im not

[coughloop]

vent/rant post about fash/cryptofash/reactionaries on tumblr under the cut dont reblog

im really frustrated with how things have gone down in the last week and im gonna ramble a lot, also im gonna use fash/cryptofash/reactionary and maybe some other terms pretty interchangeably cause they all feel like umbrella terms for the type of people im talking about.

I know we're all getting tired of blocking the same cryptofash accounts that keep remaking over and over again, as well as new ones that find their ways into the periphery of popular posters and have suddenly shoot into popularity until they post something super racist. And a lot of the time it feels so useless and futile, like half the time they have a backup ready to go and the other half just remake in under 24 hours. and like, what does it even do? its not fighting any real world issues, i have no idea what the social effect of having super racist people 3 degrees of separation from everyone on the site actually means, but I know I really fucking dont like it, I know it makes me super uncomfortable to see a mutuals reblog from someone who constantly reblogs and interacts with people that fantasize about beating up trans people on the street.

and now that people like me and some others are getting more and more savvy about noticing cryptofash blogs, it becomes harder and harder to not see how many people i follow that keep me 3 degrees of separation from them.

take ukrainianbimbo for example. they constantly reblog from terfs, transphobes, racists, misogynists and anti-Semites AS WELL as trans people, Jewish people, and people of colour. i blocked them from following me months ago after spending 30 seconds on their blog and recognizing multiple well known tumblr reactionaries. when they noticed i had blocked them and made a couple posts about how easy it is to not follow and reblog from fascists they went on a posting spree whining about how they dont check who they reblog from and why should it be their responsibility. wah wah wah, shut up. anyway, last week they got properly called out for this behaviour and badgrapple came to their defense, going on the dumbest tirade ive ever seen about how theyre sick of fake callouts for people who havent done anything wrong (tell that to your friend ukrainianbimbo who's reaction to being labelled an anti-Semite and a fascist was to triple down on telling a trans jewish woman that she was ugly and should kill herself (both of these things are very untrue shout out Agent, you dont deserve that at all)) and now both of them are going out of their way to interact with more bigots seemingly as a protest for being repressed over hanging with those types in the first place. Fuck off.

All of this then led into people i respect making random vagueposts like "feel like fash is a word being thrown around way too liberally on tumblr these days" and like, yeah, in a way i guess it is, but also people are acting like fascists! crypto fascists specifically because theyre never completely open about their beliefs. fash is shorter and less confusing however (thanks cryptocurrency for that) so thats what people genuinely call them. Why is that a bad thing? If you're posting things that people look at and say "woah dude, you sound like a fascist", maybe thats on you for doing things that other fascists on this site do, not on them for using the "wrong word" for it.

on top of all this though, people HAVE started making up unchecked callouts about people, like Declan smokeweedinbong, who was unfairly called a fascist by someone because declan responded to a comment on his post he didnt background check, thats totally unfair to declan but fuck the reaction from a lot of my mutuals was REALLY WEIRD. people didnt start posting in defense of declan, who again, did nothing wrong but not pay as much attention to a random person as he could have (ive done that too i get it!), but instead people started beating the "cancel culture has gone to far" drum, fucking again. why is that your response?? defend your friends, please! but why is it people who dont want to be exposed to racists and transphobes and anti-Semites ultimately receiving the pushback? its so dumb!

so now half the time i see someone getting an anon about reblogging from a fash, they respond positively but why do they always get follow up anons like "thats dumb who cares, i never look at who i reblog from" like maybe you fucking should?? shut up! people are so fucking stupid on anon it blows me away soemtimes.

i really have no idea where im going with all this, i just really needed to get this frustration of my chest. thanks for reading my run on sentences if you did, and sorry for being somewhat incoherent, i just am so fucking tired of all this, and it doesnt even mean anything. whatever

#d0nt r3bl0g

[necronatural]

my knowledge of founders “fan culture/works” (or whatever the hell its called) is peripheral at best, so your occasional rants about it are super incomprehensible and also highly entertaining. I have to admit that Im intrigued. if you dont mind, could you explain the “taxonomy” of it all? in other words, my curiosity has overcome me; what the fuck is going on?

Ok im relatively new lets see if I can break it down. The progenitor of the wave is Blackkat, who wrote fics about Tobirama. Most tropes have a highly identifiable progenitor.

1. The Tulpa: a recurring theme is usually Tobirama trying to be as emotionless as possible to better do his job, not acknowledging how emotional his heart truly is. Also he's a deranged inventor who loves to draw up new concepts. Turn in Such Humanity and Count Your Blessings is this, condensed.

2. Woobie Tobirama: Hashirama is not paying attention to Tobirama's repression, giving people who understand it better (like Madara, Madatobi is the dominant ship) access. This mutates into "Bad Brother Hashirama", where Hashirama either resents Tobirama for his personality or is scared of him and neglects/abuses him, sending Tobirama into the Uchiha's protective arms. See: break your ankle in a cave copypasta. Overall "Tobirama goes to the Uchiha's house" is the most common trope you'll find and most fics strive to put Tobirama in the Uchiha's house

3. Kids. Canonically Tobirama is just normal about children (note: something wrong with him so it's striking he is normal with them) so obviously its wildly popular for him to adopt or mentor them and he has a caretaker's impulse. Kagami is often pulled into this, #1 child for Tobirama to be nice to. He's not Tobirama's student but people act like he is

4. Sex pest Izuna. Tends to crop up if the fic isn't lovey dovey. I think its a distinct trope where he isn't just sexually liberal (this is funny and I'm fine with this) but specifically is sexual at inappropriate times and often as his sole personality trait. I wish for world clean. Worth mentioning this guy is viewed as a dom top, baby are you sure?

5. Soulmates. Just soulmates. They're everywhere. Ubiquitous. Can't spit without hitting one.

6. A/B/O. Likewise 😞

7. Arranged Marriage. Look if there's a fic trope where 2 people are forced to be intimate with/acknowledge/not kill one another you bet your ass that it's a trend

8. Wife hunts. Kill me.

9. Darkfic. I full stop block these posts when I see them. Appears to exclusively be, as a "trend", Super Sexual Sadism Bros Madara and Izuna and the sexual sadism Madara solo joint.

10. Uchiha flailing: ok this isn't a trope but there's a trend of...like, if the Uchiha flail or there is a comment on how they tend to flail NO EXCEPTION the characterization is them acting like a middle schooler. Anastasia from 50 Shades corny obliviousness. Why.......?

11. Spare Tire Izuna: no one knows wtf to do with him btw. Overall trends as irritable, more active and autonomous, mirrors Madara's opinions but is honest about it. He's a plot device guy unless he's being a dom top or is in love with touka. Not even in a ship sense sometimes him being in love with touka is a background crush so he has something to do. He's not a piece of meat...hes a person... with feelings... [Insane]

There's also microtrends caused by people filling out ideas from drabble collections, a core part of the ecosystem. I think I saw a wild strain of guide/sentinel from this. G/S AUs are irresistible to me I'll always read them

#asks #not liking madatobi means if i dont vibe with a fic i just leave. ive opened chapter 1 of many things.

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

i vaguely remember asking if anyone had read the “summer camp secrets” series on here, a while ago... and getting resounding silence, which i took to be a no. i think i had either a dan/alex parallel or a blair/alex parallel, both of which kind of work. 

now, the only things i can actually remember about those books (i read them in middle school, ok?) is brynn and alex! (im assuming that’s how brynn’s name is spelt.) i barely remember anyone else in there. and the more i think about it the more i feel like.... i want to dan & blair them.

since nobody seems to remember these books or have read them i can likely say anything i want to and y’all will have to take my word for it, lmaooo. but seriously - alex and brynn as dan and blair is so deeply interesting to me and i cannot stop thinking about them. 

alex’s whole thing is sort of that she’s aspiring to be good at so many things, maybe even everything (this is why she could work for dan OR blair) - she’s really good at sports and academics, etc etc. but she’s also got diabetes, which is like... her secret? and she doesn’t want the other girls to know this, she has some internalised ableism + fear about other people’s ableism & how that’ll manifest if they see her as different, and what i remember from book 4, the alex pov book (it’s been like, 10 years) is that she had so much internal monologue and quiet angst going, she repressed everything and kept it inside so much and she just really wanted to like. be one of the girls but also be successful. and yeah, like i said, that could be really blair, but i just. that energy for dan makes my heart hurt, because honestly the crux of both dan and alex is sort of knowing there’s something about you that sets you apart from your peers (even though it’s different Somethings in both their cases) and being hyperaware of that, trying to compensate for that, trying to ignore the voice in your head that’s telling you you will never fit in, and all that. and that’s just so interesting for dan, but also sort of heartbreaking (i can definitely see dan struggling w/ internalised ableism even in show!canon as a context and like. ouch) 

and brynn! brynn is interesting for blair because she doesn’t match up in terms of vibes, on a surface level at least. brynn is sunshiney and outgoing and extroverted and in THAT sense more of a serena. but that’s just the outward bits. brynn is like. THE theatre kid to end all theatre kids. she is so embellishingly extra and ridiculous and over the top but not in a bad way, just in a 12 year old who idolises audrey hepburn kind of way. (they’re both either 12 or 13, fuck if I remember. i read these books such a long time ago.) i mean. is the blair waldorf appeal NOT just, essentially, thinking believeing dreaming of being a star and trying to work for it? brynn is just so dedicated and focused and all that jazz, from what i remember. i dont think i ever read the brynn pov book (so maybe she is more of a serena, i don’t know) but  i just really think that vibe of like. kid who pins all their hopes and dreams on a Single aspiration and goes “i GOTTA do this or else i won’t succeed” is just.. very on brand for blair. .but again, disclaimer for the millionth time that it’s been years, etc, i could be bullshitting this. 

and that’s the thing about alex and brynn - they’re both best friends (tho in retrospect im pretty sure i shipped them when i read these books) and they’re both VERY intense in like. extremely opposing ways. brynn, for instance, unironically calls people “dahling”, it’s her Thing. i think. i couldn’t possibly have made that one up. but brynn is just like that, life’s a stage, she’s always performing, and alex is sort of like that too but more when it comes to sports/academics. they’re both just two kids who are so so so serious about who they want to become, what they want to be, what they want to do with their lives, etc etc, but in very different ways. they see themselves in each other a lot, and they understand each other, even though they’re outwardly very different.

and im thinking specifically about the time alex travels across a few states or something (i think they lived like. west coast/east coast, or the very least, a few timezones apart) JUST to see brynn’s theatre performance on opening day. 

anyway in case you can’t tell im very , very tired, and i cannot fucking sleep,

#meta #crossover #i want to put this in the db tag but it's not entirely db #these books couldve been amazing OR they couldve been shitty #i don't remember #i DO remember there was this brief summer before 8th grade when we were ALL reading them #middle school sure was a time #summer camp secrets #just in case there's a fandom on tumblr #(there isn't i don't think) #anyway #not putting this in the g0ssip g1rl tag for the same reason i didnt put it in the da1r tag #it's only like. 20% that anyway.

[garbagequeer]

hey hello im writing a piece for laptop ensemble that involves sampling and i need the most repressed/tender/yearning quotes you got. just as gay and heart wrenching as you can. but also no pressure I know youre a stranger on the web I just feel like you post that kind of stuff a lot thank you bye

hope this isnt like too late school keeps me busy :( (also can you put a read more on asks? guess i’ll find out). i ended up choosing many quotes from the same texts cause im indecisive as shit but i’ll bold my favorites from those in case that makes it easier for you!

anyways first of all you can never go wrong w richard siken as obvious as that is. these are both from you are jeff

You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you don’t even have a name for.

Let’s say you’ve swallowed a bad thing and now it’s got its hands inside you. This is the essence of love and failure. You see what I mean but you’re happy anyway, and that’s okay, it’s a love story 

this one’s from planet of love (the format got fucked bc tumblr is not actually a finctional website but :/ )

I have a megaphone and you play along,                                                                 because you want to die for love,                                                            you always have.     Imagine this:You’re pulling the car over. Somebody’s waiting.                      You’re going to die                                            in your best friend’s arms.             And you play along because it’s funny, because it’s written down,you’ve memorized it,

from litany in which certain things are crossed out 

I make you pancakes, I take you hunting, I talk to you as if you’re            really there.Are you there, sweetheart? Do you know me? Is this microphone live?                                                       Let me do it right for once,

sorry about the scene at the bottom of the stairwell                                    and how I ruined everything by saying it out loud.            Especially that, but I should have known.You see, I take the parts that I remember and stitch them back together            to make a creature that will do what I sayor love me back.

We were inside the train car when I started to cry. You were crying too,            smiling and crying in a way that made meeven more hysterical. You said I could have anything I wanted, but I                                                                                just couldn’t say it out loud.Actually, you said Love, for you,                             is larger than the usual romantic love. It’s like a religion. It’s                                                                                                 terrifying. No one                                                                        will ever want to sleep with you.

from snow and dirty rain

I had a dream about you. We were in the gold roomwhere everyone finally gets what they want.

that scene from when harry met sally where sally says:

One day I was taking Alice’s little girl fro the afternoon. I’d promised to take her to the circus, and we were in a cab playing “I spy” - you know, “I spy a lamppost”, “I spy a mailbox” - and she looked out the window and there was this man and this woman with two little kids, and the man had one of the kids on his shoulders, and Alice’s little girl said “I spy a family”, and I satrted crying, you know? I just started crying, and I went home

(like anyone else sometimes cries when u see a family doing something nice? is it because i want to participate in a sense of family of my own but have been excluded as a gay person from it’s portrayals and it makes me go :^( cause i dont feel there’s room for me there but i want there to be and i just have to long for this nuclear family heteronormative way of life that i’ve been made to believe is idylic? is it because my parents got divorced and my dad’s an ass and my mom is just a very angry lady and i want to re-do my own childhood? who knows. should we ban movies? yes we should!)

from maurice (ultimate source of tender)

“There was something better in life than this rubbish, if only he could get to it, love, nobility, big spaces where passion clasped peace, spaces no science could reach, but they existed for ever, full of woods some of them, and arched with majestic sky and a friend”

‘Did you ever dream you had a friend, Alec? Nothing else but just “my friend”, he trying to help you and you him. A friend’ he repeated, sentimental suddenly. ‘Someone to last your whole life and you his. I suppose such a thing can’t really happen outside sleep’

we are all so lucky i don’t actually own maurice in english this would just turn into me quoting the whole book

ee cummings voices to voices, lip to lip

the thing perhaps isto eat flowers and not to be afraid.

from virgina woolf’s letters to vita

7 september 1925

january 21 1926 vita writes

I am reduced to a thing that wants Virginia. I composed a beautiful letter to you in the sleepless nightmare hours of the night, and it has all gone: I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way. You, with all your un-dumb letters, would never write so elementary phrase as that; perhaps you wouldn’t even feel it. And yet I believe you’ll be sensible of a little gap. But you’d clothe it in so exquisite a phrase that it would lose a little of its reality. Whereas with me it is quite stark: I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal. So this letter is just really a squeal of pain. It is incredible how essential to me you have become. I suppose you are accustomed to people saying these things. Damn you, spoilt creature; I shan’t make you love me any the more by giving myself away like this—But oh my dear, I can’t be clever and stand-offish with you: I love you too much for that. Too truly. You have no idea how stand-offish I can be with people I don’t love. I have brought it to a fine art. But you have broken down my defences. And I don’t really resent it …

and on january 26 virginia writes back

Your letter from Trieste came this morning—But why do you think I don’t feel, or that I make phrases? ‘Lovely phrases’ you say which rob things of reality. Just the opposite. Always, always, always I try to say what I feel. Will you then believe that after you went last Tuesday—exactly a week ago—out I went into the slums of Bloomsbury, to find a barrel organ. But it did not make me cheerful … And ever since, nothing important has happened—Somehow its dull and damp. I have been dull; I have missed you. I do miss you. I shall miss you. And if you don’t believe it, you’re a longeared owl and ass. Lovely phrases? … 

from virginia’s diary, about vita on december 21 1925

I like her and being with her and the splendour–she shines in the grocer’s shop in Sevenoaks with a candle lit radiance, stalking on legs like beech trees, pink glowing, grape clustered, pearl hung.

from virginia woolf’s to the light house

What device for becoming, like waters poured into one jar, inextricably the same, one with the object one adored? Could the body achieve, or the mind, subtly mingling in the intricate passages of the brain? or the heart? Could loving, as people called it, make her and Mrs Ramsay one? for it was not knowledge but unity that she desired, not inscriptions on tablets, nothing that could be written in any language known to men, but intimacy itself, which is knowledge, she had thought, leaning her head on Mrs Ramsay’s knee. Nothing happened. Nothing! Nothing! as she leant her head against Mrs Ramsay’s knee. And yet, she knew knowledge and wisdom were stored up in Mrs Ramsay’s heart.

Love had a thousand shapes. There might be lovers whose gift it was to choose out the elements of things and place them together and so, giving them a wholeness not theirs in life, make of some scene, or meeting of people (all now gone and separate), one of those globed compacted things over which thought lingers, and love plays.

there forced themselves upon her other things, her own inadequacy, her insignificance, keeping house for her father off the Brompton Road, and had much ado to control her impulse to fling herself (thank Heaven she had always resisted so far) at Mrs Ramsay’s knee and say to her—but what could one say to her? “I’m in love with you?” No, that was not true. “I’m in love with this all,” waving her hand at the hedge, at the house, at the children. It was absurd, it was impossible 

(fun fact: the spanish translation adds something that i’d translate as “one could not say what one meant / what one wanted to say”, which i really like and i was disapointed to find out isnt on the english edition)

It was love, she thought, pretending to move her canvas, distilled and filtered; love that never attempted to clutch its object; but, like the love which mathematicians bear their symbols, or poets their phrases, was meant to be spread over the world and become part of the human gain. So it was indeed. The world by all means should have shared it  

from the great gatsby

I didn’t want to go to the city. I wasn’t worth a decent stroke of work but it was more than that—I didn’t want to leave Gatsby. I missed that train, and then another, before I could get myself away (…) Just before I reached the hedge I remembered something and turned around. ‘They’re a rotten crowd,’ I shouted across the lawn. ‘You’re worth the whole damn bunch put together.’ I’ve always been glad I said that. It was the only compliment I ever gave him

from kafka’s diaries

may 27 1911: Today is your birthday, but I am not even sending you the usual book, for it would be only pretence; at bottom I am after all not in position to give you a book. I am writing only because it is so necessary for me today to be near you for a moment

parts from a from a letter he wrote to oskar pollak on february 4 1902

When we talk together the words are hard; we tread over them as if they were rough pavement. The most delicate things acquire awkward feet and we can’t help it. We’re almost in each other’s way; I bump into you and you - I don’t dare and you. When we come to things that are not exactly cobblestones or the Kunstwart, we suddenly see that we are in masquerade, acting with angular faces (especially me, I admit), and then we become sad and bored. Does anyone make you as bored as I do?

then I fall silent and you fall silent and you become bored, and I become bored and it’s all like a stupid hangover and there’s no use lifting a hand. But neither wants to say this to the other, out of shame or fear or - You see, we are afraid of each other, or I am.

Of course I understand it. It’s boring to stand for years in front of an ugly wall and it just won’t crumble away. Of course, but the wall is afraid for itself, fro the garden (if there is one), and you get out of sorts, yawn, have headaches, don’t know where to turn

You often talk with her, not only for the sake of talking. You walk around with her somewhere here or there, or in Roztok, and i sit at my desk at home. You talk with her, and in the middle of a sentence somebody jumps up and makes a bow. That is me with my untrimmed words and angular faces. That lasts only a moment, and then you go on talking. I sit at my desk at home and yawn. I’ve been trhough it already. Wouldn’t that separate us? Is that so strange? Are we enemies? I am very fond of you

from his leters to milena

Last night I dreamed about you. What happened in detail I can hardly remember, all I know is that we kept merging into one another. I was you, you were me. Finally you somehow caught fire.

jane wong. from clearing

We want to believe everything has meaning.Plums blossom over a power grid

and I am in love again. The shame of it.

from leslie harrison’s [sirens]

I’m not Penelope married to faith married to waitingbound in fine soft strands of silk dyed and stretchedin my world longing has teeth and fins has a tastefor blood longing is a room built entirely of knives

Lorde’s melodrama tour interlude

Don’t you wish you could go inside a heart, see the strings and atrium’s, everything beating and bleeding. It’s kind of funny, I spend almost every minute thinking about love. Being guided, and divided by love. But I’ve never seen it. It’s just a rumour, a comedown, an afterglow. I wanna see it, in colour. In the summer, I can almost picture it

from Andrea Long Chu’s on liking women

One day, you tell yourself, it will give you what you want. Then, one day, it doesn’t. Now it dawns on you that your object will probably never give you what you want. But this is not what’s disappointing, not really. What’s disappointing is what happens next: nothing. You keep your object. You continue to follow it around, stash it in a drawer, water it, tweet at it. It still doesn’t give you what you want—but you knew that. You have had another realization: not getting what you want has very little to do with wanting it. Knowing better usually doesn’t make it better. You don’t want something because wanting it will lead to getting it. You want it because you want it

ada limón, In a Mexican Restaurant I Recall How Much You Upset Me

But love is impossible and it goes ondespite the impossible. You’re the muscleI cut from the bone and still the boneremembers, still it wants (so much, it wants)the flesh back, the real thing,if only to rail against it, if onlyto argue and fight, if only to missa solve-able absence.

i dont think i need to get into mitski songs because you probably already know but basically pink in the night/come into the water/once more to see you/in happy when she says if you’re going take the train so i can hear it rumble one last rumble/in i want you from the first verse to the first time she goes “i just need a quiet place where i can scream how i love you” (YES the card thing is very important)/the first verse of i will (w emphasis on everything you feel is good i f you wold only let you)/abbey/strawberry blond

sufjan steven’s futile devices obviously predatory wasp of the palisades you know the drill 

was going to find some twin fantasy lyrics but i started thinking about famous prophets (minds) and like. emotionally left my body so. i wont be thinking about it or any other songs anymore it makes me too crazy

from frances ha

It’s that thing when you’re with someone and you love them and they know it and they love you and you know it but it’s a party and you’re both talking to other people and you’re laughing and shining and you look across the room and catch each other’s eyes. But not because you’re possessive, or it’s precisely sexual, but because that is your person in this life and it’s funny and sad but only because this life will end and it’s this secret world that exists right there. In public. Unnoticed. That no one else knows about. It’s sort of like how they say that other dimensions exist all around us but we don’t have the ability to perceive them. That’s what I want out of a relationship. Or just life, I guess.

from ellen lee’s notes on twin fantasy that i revisit constantly

there’s no going back to deliver these words to the ones they were really meant for. That’s how heartbreak feels, I guess. It feels like your heart in between the teeth of someone who’s looking away. When you’ve lost your loved object, what happens to all the things you have to say to them? When they’re turned away, what happens to all the things that you couldn’t, but desperately need(ed) to, say to their face? He dissociates himself from his own romance until it becomes a fantasy. You have your bleeding heart, you have a finite set of memories — when nothing new enters and you’re unwilling to let go, then you have a fantasy. The loved object enters into you and transforms.

the journey home by dermot bolger(havent read this at all dont really plan to/dont know a thing about it either i just came across this shit like 2 years ago and i still think about it)

I wanted to hurt him; I wanted just to touch him. What I wanted I’m not really sure. If he had stopped and opened his arms I would have walked towards him; I would have sat on the kerb all night with him

adam b, sweet i have a (really gay) heart

i feel like my body is the extension of a lake. i feel really badabout not telling you the truth, sometimes. i feelreally small next to you. tall boys remind me of bean stalks.i wish i had your legs. i wish i could know your handsbefore i even touch them

aaaand i think that’s all i could think of and track down, hope this is actually helpful and not too long (i am indecisive no kidding). also ksjdfg it’s nice that you thought to ask me this and i did have fun going over all these quotes so thank you 💖💖💖

#answered #i hope this fits what you were looking for!! #and i hope read mores are working on mobile djfgk #c #thing #Anonymous

[angrylizardjacket]

ask your destiny to dance [16] {Roger Taylor}

[masterpost]

“I can’t speak to her.” Roger’s got his head on a bar in a pub that’s not Ash’s.

“Can I go back to pretending I don’t know what was going on?” Brian asks, taking a long sip of his drink and gazing out at the crowd. It’s been over a week since Ash had stayed over, and they hadn’t seen her since. It’s not like she’d even asked about him, or made a move to contact him; sometimes they go a full fortnight before seeing one another, but Roger’s been fretting for almost eight days internally, and for the past twenty minutes externally, since he’d finished his first drink.

“She said she loves me.” Roger groaned, lifting his head to weakly order another pint. 

“From what you’ve told me, she wasn’t even fully conscious; it’s not like it counts.” Brian had never seen Roger downright distressed like this, it would be funny if it wasn’t bordering on annoying.

“No, that means she was extra honest,” Roger groaned, downing half his beer in on go, to which Brian could only roll his eyes.

“Or she was still asleep and thought you were Jack Nicholson.” After a beat, Brian goes back to watching Roger brood over his glass. “Boo hoo, Rog,” he shoved the blonde lightly, to which Roger just leveled a glare at him, “a girl you’ve been seeing for months maybe has feelings for you. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

“It’s only been since I broke up with Kristin,” he’s adamant about that and Brian lets him have it, for now. In retrospect, he feels like an idiot for not seeing it sooner; Brian’s not sure when it started, but it’s definitely a lot longer than Roger’s willing to admit. “And it doesn’t mean nothing, but it also... it’s never meant something. Like it’s something but it’s not something. It’s just fucking around and having fun.” And Roger swivels on the bar stool, joining Brian in looking out over the crowd, before they spot Freddie crashing through the door, making a beeline for them once he’d spotted them.

“Alright, what did I miss?” Freddie asked, though the other two were quiet as he ordered a beer. Before either could get a word in edgewise, Freddie props his chin on his hand on the bar, and announces; “Roger you look like shit, what’s wrong?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s in love with Ash, and he thinks she’s in love with him.” Brian says blithely, and Freddie nods with understanding as Roger tells them to both sod off, and he stalks through to join the crowd on the dance floor. “She said she loved him in her sleep.” Brian explains, taking the chair Roger just freed, sliding into place beside Freddie.

“I’ve never seen him this worked up about someone before.” Freddie admitted, and Brian nodded in agreement, the two of them barely able to see his blonde hair for the crowd, and they lost sight of him soon enough.

“What do you think? Has Ash said anything?” Brian’s gaze slides to Freddie’s who just rolls his eyes.

“I think my dear Ash has never in her life loved a man who’s deserved it,” Freddie mused, though his lips twisted into a smirk, “that’s not to say she’s a saint, far from it, but compared to the others, Roger is a breath of fresh air.” 

“Isn’t that a sad thought.” Brian said faintly, before heaving a sigh. “Well, I know we haven’t been here long,” he got to his feet, finishing off his drink and looking around for his housemate, “but if I don’t drag him home he’s going to do something stupid in his current state.”

“Like that pretty, brunette thing over there?” Freddie asks, pointing to where Roger’s already got his lips on a wavy-haired brunette at the side of the room. Freddie’s pretty sure he sees Brian’s soul leave his body for a moment, and watches everything play out like a terrible Shakespearean comedy for which he was the only audience member.

“He’s a danger to himself.” Brian takes Freddie’s drink from his hands and takes a long gulp before passing it back, though Freddie doesn’t seem likely to complain.

“He seems rather fine,” Freddie watches Roger go in for a hickey on the girl with a morbid, voyeuristic interest, taking another sip of his drink, “and you know he and Ash aren’t technically exclusive.” 

“Yeah but there’s three options here; Ash finds out and gets pissed and I have to hear about it because apparently now that I know I’m all in on this disaster,” Brian lists on his fingers with a theatricality Freddie had rarely seen from him before, though he’d rarely seen Brian this exasperated before, so perhaps it was merely that, “two, Ash isn’t pissed, sleeps with someone else, and Roger gets pissed because he’s in love with her-”

“Which is unfair, what a tremendous double standard.”

“Yes, we all know Roger’s a hypocrite.” Brian sighed, casting a glance over his shoulder at Roger, before turning back to Freddie.

“And three?” The other man prompted, and Brian picked up his empty pint glass.

“I kill him with this glass because I’m sick of his sulking.” He says bluntly, and Freddie’s all for the third option, but he begrudgingly helps pull Roger away, to which the drummer complains the whole time.

“Where are we going?” Roger demands to know when they head in the opposite direction of his apartment, a sentiment that Brian mirrors, though he doesn’t seem inclined to question Freddie’s direction outright. Freddie always had a plan. The man in question wrapped an arm around Roger’s shoulders.

“You’re going to confront your problems, Rog.” He sounds so decisive, as if it wasn’t a plan he’d come up with as they were leaving the bar, and Roger tries to scramble his way out of it, but Brian’s fed up enough with Roger’s complete inability to do anything but run from his problems that he’s willing to take Roger’s arm in an almost iron grip.

“It’ll do both of us a world of good.” Brian tells him as Roger glowers at his housemate.

“You don’t get to decide what’s good for me; what’s good for me was that girl at the bar, she smelled nice and was about three minutes away from banging me in that bathroom.” Roger snarled, wrenching himself out of their grips, though he didn’t run this time, crossing his arms over his chest as he walked with them.

“Rog, we’re not gonna let you ruin a good-” But Brian’s gentle sigh was cut off by more of the blonde blustering.

“That’s so presumptuous!” He stopped in his tracks, scowling between both of his band-mates. “You’re both wankers, selfish fucking wankers. This is kidnapping.” He snaps.

“Fine; if you want to leave, we’re not stopping you.” Freddie offers, gesturing freely at the path behind them. “We’re just trying to help.” 

Roger stomped the entire walk to Ash’s apartment. 

“What the fuck, guys.” She opens the door with her hair in a messy bun, wearing a pair of sweat pants and a ratty, oversized Beatles shirt. “How did you get in?” 

“Your RA let us in; sorry for the interruption, just had to deliver this idiot.” Brian gave Roger’s shoulder a nudge. Roger is looking at anything but Ash. His latest drink had hit him about the same time as he got to her block, and now that he can smell the vanilla candle she likes to burn in her room just beyond her, he just wants to curl up and go to sleep under her duvet. Or fuck her. He’s not quite sure.

“Can I return to sender?” She asks without hesitation, and Roger rolls his eyes. Freddie shoves him forward.

“No.” 

Ash doesn’t move, just frowns as Roger stumbles into her space, and she’s automatically got a hand on his chest to steady him. Roger doesn’t seem like he’s there completely of his own free will, but he doesn’t move away from her, even as both Brian and Freddie leave, muttering something about him being ‘her problem now’.

“Care to explain?” She asked, gently walking him backwards and closing her door behind herself. The two of them make their way to the common area, and Roger sits up on the kitchen counter as Ash pours him a glass of water.

“Not really.” He said, sipping the water loudly and swinging his legs so his heels kick the cupboards below. Ash looks like the very sight of him exhausts her, but she rests her hands on her thighs, pressing herself against his legs to still them. “We can fuck whoever we want, Ash.” He says, seriously, and he sees the exact moment she realised the reason for his forced meeting, and he watched her expression fall.

“Yeah of course.” She agrees, crestfallen expression turning quickly to faux apathy. “Did you have fun?” But her heart wasn’t in it.

“They pulled me away, brought me here before anything really happened.” He huffed, taking another long sip. Ash stepped away, yawning loudly and sinking into a chair at the dining table. After a beat, Roger hums thoughtfully. “Ash, what do I mean to you?” And it’s so nonchalant it actually hurts Ash a little.

“I think that’s a really shitty thing to ask right now.” Her answer is automatic, she can’t look at him. “And I think you’re drunk.” 

“Ash...” It does register in his mind that he’s said the wrong thing, and it breaks his heart to see her too tired to repress her emotions like she usually would in this situation. Perhaps she assumes he won’t even remember this tomorrow. “Ash, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Yeah, I know.” She says softly. “You’re always sorry, and I’m always sorry, and there’s always someone else that feels like a mistake, even though we don’t technically need to apologise.” Shaking her head, she sighs deeply. “This isn’t the time for this conversation.” She admits, and standing, she takes his hand. “Come to bed, Rog.” 

When they’re back in her room, she pulls off her sweat pants and offers them to him without even thinking about it, and he’s quiet, forlorn when he takes them, changing into the borrowed pyjamas. Ash is already tucked into bed when he turns back, back to him, pressed as close to the wall as she can get with her head pillowed on her hand, not even attempting to co-opt some of the pillow for herself. There’s sewing equipment out, obviously still in use in the corner of her room, a blouse half sewn and still in the machine where it was left when it’s creation had been interrupted by a knock at the door.

When he slides into bed beside her, reaches out to rest a hand on her shoulder - an apology? a reassurance? just a need for human contact? - she shrugs him off, murmurs a quiet ‘don’t’. 

“I panicked.” They’re back to back, and the bedside lamp has been turned off. Roger isn’t even sure if Ash is still awake. He speaks into the silence, made honest by the hour and his inebriation. “You told me you loved me and I panicked.”

“Roger... I never said that.” Ash’s voice was confused in the darkness, and Roger feels like his whole world has fallen out from under him. He’s spent over a week considering whether or not she’d remember; if it had been real, whether she’d really meant it, but he’s never quite sure which answer would hurt more.

“You... were mostly asleep.” He admits, and he can feel the way Ash sighs heavily, the shift of her back against his as she tries not to hear it.

“Wow, imagine what kinky shit you and the girl from the bar would have gotten up to if I’d meant it.” She just sounds tired, as though she was trying to end the conversation, as though she hadn’t just shattered Roger’s heart. After a beat, she laughed humorlessly. “What are we doing, Roger?”

“I think Brian’s right.” And his words are enough to startle a weak laugh from Ash. “I want this to be about more than sex, I think.”

“You’re drunk and panicking; don’t worry, I’ll still work with the band if this goes south.” Ash says. Roger won’t take that, can’t let himself fall into the trap of panicking like he’d already fallen into that night. Turning, Roger presses his lips to the back of her neck, and Ash doesn’t like to think about how good it makes her feel.

“I’m sorry-” He tries, but she cuts him off.

“I heard you the first time.” Voice terse, she crosses her arms awkwardly over her chest. “Roger the idea of being with you fucking terrifies me.” She admits, raw and honest, glad he can’t see how conflicted she was. “You were so worried that I was in love with you that you almost slept with someone else, and for what? Were you worried you were losing control of your life? Didn’t want to be tied down?” Roger’s got an arm on her shoulder, rubbing comfortingly as she speaks, and he can feel her shaking.

“I know I’m not a saint, okay, love?” Roger admits, and Ash takes a long moment to consider his words, leaning back a little into his touch, before answering.

“Neither of us are, Roger, and that’s why what we have is so good right now.” Her voice has softened, and Roger stays quiet. “We can talk about it tomorrow.” She says gently, before reaching to link her fingers with his where he’s got his hand on her shoulder. She pulls him closer, and Roger makes a low hum, pressing a quick kiss to her shoulder.

When the morning comes, things are quiet and golden. Neither one knows what to say to the other, but Ash still gets him a cup of tea in the morning, and when he sees the cup with the little cat face on it, Roger feels something tighten in his chest. 

“Let’s try this, please.” He asks, expression sincere when he looks at where Ash is tucking herself back into bed, pressing herself against his side. The look she gives him is confused, and then it blooms into something hopeful. “I’m not fucking around here, I mean it.”

When she kisses him, her hand is warm where it had been holding her teacup, and she’s smiling against her lips. There’s a tension in her shoulders, and he can’t stop playing her words back over again in his head, ‘the idea of being with you fucking terrifies me’ and it’s clear that feeling hasn’t vanished over night.

But she’s willing to try.

the ususal suspects: @deakydickfanpage @hollyissuchahoe @laueecakee @smittyjaws @crystalshines2909 @i-am-sarah @legendsaresooftenwarnings @2ptonpt @benhardy24-7 @maiilovely @mickey-yr-a-goner @butter-times @heyyouitskay @tired-eyes-fairy-lights @yepimthatperson @missieluvsmurder @ironqueen98 @ceruleanrainblues @banhbao329@fantasticchaoticwho @ko-kitty @seven-seas-of-hi @mimisfangirlfantasy @aadjuric @rogmobile @cardybenhardy @snacfu @perriwiinkle @the-strange-fan-girl @finite-incantatem-7 @tapetayloe @florencewelchmybiggod

#roger taylor #roger taylor imagine #roger taylor x oc #borhap #bohemian rhapsody #ask your destiny to dance fic #bo rhap #queen #queen imagines #queen imagine #freddie mercury #brian may #borhap imagine #bohemian rhapsody imagine #the angry lizard writes

[death-himself]

enjoy my theories and me connecting dots that weren’t meant to be connected and also random notes

this is from my third time watching the new episode, including every single tiny detail i noticed because when it comes to theorizing i either dont do anything or go all out

also know that I am terrible at reading facial expressions so most of those parts are likely wrong

(under the cut because on google docs it said it was 7 pages long and i am afraid)

virgil looks automatically anxious and frustrated

logan stutters a lot after roman makes the "take off your glasses" joke and i cant tell if hes confused or if hes actually offended by that

what they all say the first time they yell at logan: virgil: "shut up before i shut you up" thomas: "WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH" patton: "hey now heeeyy nowww" slowly turning into song

thomas calls virgil "the purp man"

references to Sword and the stone? may refer to something?

second time they yell at logan: virgil: "i'm gonna prohibit your BREATHING if you keep this up" (damn virge calm down) thomas: "please stop please i really dont want to think about it" patton doesnt speak (im pretty sure)

virgil glances at thomas a lot

is it just me or around the time virgil says "we're going to talk about something else now" he starts to sound a lot like deceit? Especially with that "sure"

roman gets easily distracted

"of course you're not a chick. You're a metaphysical human being. A chick is a really ??? girl"

why does remus appear behind the TV?

patton notices remus when saying "evil" virgil notices remus when saying "show up" and his tempest tongue comes in

when roman get knocked out the first time virgil looks at thomas like hes frustrated or annoyed maybe he looks at thomas like that because he thought it was thomas that was to blame for him showing up? since he was the one to have those intrusive thoughts?

also why does remus smack roman with a morning star?

all dark sides wear eye shadow confirmed

also this disproves the theory that all dark sides have a more animalistic features, therefore proving the headcanon that deceit just puts on makeup to look like he has scales on his face because hes dramatic

virgil looks kind of scared right before the song starts

during the song: logan looks done with everything thomas looks scared virgil looks furious and maybe defensive (that snarl tho) patton looks confused

why is patton of all sides to be the one to puke out remus (that's probably not the weirdest line i've written)

Remus considers any creativity that isn't dirty or horrific (aka his stuff) to be dull or boring

I think the A-Z part of the song is a reference to this one song video about the ABCs of ways to die but i have no clue

Even early on in the song when logan says "It's fine" it shows that hes trying to sort this out and get to the problem, but Remus prevents him from continuing, then allows Pat and Virge to say their thoughts

ROMAN CALLS REMUS "BRO" 8 MINUTES IN

"recently a snake offered me a morsel from the tree of knowledge" reference to deceit but also adam and eve

one of deceit's hands is holding a gavel reference to SvS

also deceit wears a coat just sayin

"No longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you" this means that deceit really doesn't want thomas to lie to himself

why is deceit always the one with multiple arms when half his face is a snake? snakes dont have arms

Is remus holding up the mirror to thomas a reference to remus and roman basically being mirror images of each other?

Remus is SO PALE compared to thomas WHICH IS WEIRD CUZ THOMAS IS ALREADY REALLY PALE

I think remus is actually a lot smarter than he seems he knows how to manipulate thomas into believing hes a bad person by using religious topics and language, something that's been with thomas his whole life

also while remus is singing about hell he turns from normal to fully colored green, similar to all the other sides

Virgil looks so disturbed and frustrated after the song

"I'm really stupid right now" MOOD

when remus agrees with thomas that roman's his creativity he's just like "yeah...." SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS TO A T

Virgil and Remus argue like they know each other super well

Patton's so pure he doesn't even like to say "B-hole" precious dad

Remus uses words that have been said before to back himself up "Why do you want to stifle your own creativity, thomas?" 12 Days of Christmas: "We shouldn't stifle Roman's creative whimsy!" also all the other times roman's admitted to feeling ignored

Virgil's so uncomfortable he might have been afraid that remus would outright say that hes a dark side (bc honestly remus seems like the kind of guy to do that)

Why does remus like Jeffery Dommer so much?

also when remus turned his head to the side at about 10:30 the music matches and sounds like hes cracking his neck

Remus gets confused for a moment when Logan takes his "lot of good that did him!" seriously this seems to be a recurring theme throughout all the dark sides: them being confused by logan taking things literally You think I'm joking? I'm not Virgil early on gets frustrated that logan seems to "only take what he says literally" and I'm pretty sure I remember some time where deceit has to stop to process the fact that logan took one of his metaphors seriously

LOGAN IS A PSYCHOLOGY NERD AND WOULD LIKELY BE A PRETTY DECENT THERAPIST. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE MY MIND

Patton looks so scared when logan asks him to do the experiment. Hes like "what? what do you need me for? what's going on?"

virgil looks so tired and annoyed when he says "good save"

LOGAN GIVING OUT VALIDATION TO PATTON AND THEN LATER TO VIRGIL IS ADORABLE

wait does virgil blow at his bangs whenever he's really annoyed or anxious? because he did that in moving on part 2 while he was dealing with his panic attack in pattons room and then in this episode where he is clearly anxious throughout the whole thing

"No mommy I dont want the mashed potatoes" ROMAN HAS A MOM WHICH MEANS THAT REMUS HAS A MOM BUT WHO TF IS THEIR MOM

when thomas calls remus scary and he responds with that it sounds like a virgil problem Virgil glares at him so clearly defensive and angry remus just smiles like "yeah, i know whats going on"

virgil's the only one who doesnt suspect logan to be deceit when remus claims it

you know when everyone was creating theories about who romans counterpart would be and everyone was expecting them to be extremely elegant and suave? yeah, why the fuck did we think that? If the dark sides are like mirror images of the light sides, then of course remus would be this chaotic demon with literally no elegance whatsoever roman's the elegant, romantic, graceful prince, so of course whatever remus is would be his opposite

Cane and Abel - another biblical reference

also after remus says that virgil looks like hes confused or maybe just deep in thought about something

self-immolate means to set fire to yourself i had to look it up too remus literally wants thomas to strip, set himself on fire and play shake it off

despite all the biblical references reeling thomas in, remus is sooo bad at getting his point across "and then the baby...dies" "AND NO ONE SURVIVES"

a demented version of that "hallelujah" thing plays while hes talking about the baby bird and the airplane

"I am YOUR creativity" at that it flashes to Virgil, who looks like hes thinking about it. probably a sort of build-up to show how long virgil thinks about it before admitting that remus had a point

virgil looks so nervous when remus says that hes never been one to soften the truth

"why would you aspire to be so...boring?" (i feel like the word aspire there is important for some reason)

patton tries so hard to believe that thomas is a good person to the point where he ignores logic

THAT TURN TO LOGAN REMUS DOES IS SO FRICKIN TERRIFYING

it seems like both remus and deceit seem to understand that logan is the most dangerous for them remus threatens logan to try and get him to stop talking deceit chucks logan to the very back of the courtroom in SvS

"TURN INTO A GHOST" "TURN INTO THE HULK"

"I merely gave him a baby...AND A LARGE SHARP KNIFE" ME

"one of you is enough!" I wonder how that line affected Virgil? since it's possible that at this time he was already doubting whether or not hes really grown

PATTON LITERALLY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT REPRESSION IS

that voice-crack when virgil says "But what if he's lying?" That might show how he feels about lying and deceit a bit more. he might be terrified at the thought of being lied to

paranoid is definitely a really bad word to virgil and the others know it. virgil and patton turn to look at logan the moment he says it, and logan freezes for a moment to change it into something better

when both virge and remus say "but what about jeffery dommer" virgil just looks so scared, his eyes darting around as if his mind is racing, probably worried that he really hasnt grown

they keep referring back to "that can't be where the bar is"

Logan says "figuratively" to stop Remus

"I LOVE BEING GIVEN TWO D's AT ONCE"

Virgil looks so afraid that he's still the bad guy in this its so sad

both patton and virgil laugh at poop jokes they are 29— they are very mature adults

"I would never hide anything from you" *glances at virgil* I feel like that might have been the moment virgil realized he couldn't just hide him being a dark side much longer

THEY DON'T EVEN LOOKED SCARED WHEN REMUS SCREAMED THEY JUST LOOKED ANNOYED

as the vid goes on remus tries more and more to be noticed

why did logan ask virgil how thomas was feeling instead of patton? was it because he knew thomas was really anxious or because he felt like patton would claim that he was feeling fine?

while everyone's calming down during logan's lecture, virgil just seems to grow more and more anxious, since he knows that he'll probably have to tell thomas that hes a dark side

thomas and virgil STILL dont want to go to a therapist

virgil just looks so guilty when thomas decides to lie down on the couch

"It was just like old times" when remus says that patton and logan just look so mad that he would say that

after that logan glances up at virgil to see how he feels aww

VIRGIL'S SMILE WHEN ROMAN GETS BACK UP IS SO UNSURE YET SO HOPEFUL AT THE SAME TIME

everyone just looks so proud of logan awww

virgil sounds so lost when hes about to reveal himself

he never calls them "the dark sides", just "the others"

virgil looks on the verge of tears when he says "because i was one of them". it shows how much this affects him, and how terrified he is to tell thomas. this is even more terrifying to him than telling them his name, which was shown to be an important thing to him

and afterwards thomas just goes silent, and looks so lost and confused, maybe even betrayed. he clearly needed a moment to think before saying anything

then virgil shrugs and leaves, his eyes red and full of tears, probably too scared to stay any longer

once he leaves thomas just stares at the ground processing the information

i’m bad at theorizing and my thoughts are a mess rn so all of this is probably complete shit

#sanders sides #ts spoilers #tw remus #tw duke #cursing #what i do when theorizing is write down my thoughts the moment i have them and dont look back

[boy-porridge-vent]

september 10 2019

god i cant take it anymore Im so tired of everything

having traumatic memories flow back through my head every fucking night??? Im fucking tired of it. I cant sleep anymore because either I go to bed crying & miserable, or I get no sleep/a couple hours each night so I dont have enough time to dream. Recently, every time Ive had a dream, it’s involved my ex & how she treated me. Every fucking night. I literally can’t sleep without crying & freaking out/self harming because I get scared of what repressed memory is going to reemerge in my dreams this time

Ive tried to block so many things, it’s been years, but every night for nearly 2 weeks anytime I sleep I dream of her, her calling me names, the things she would say to me, when she would get physical, her sexual assault against me. I can’t fucking do it anymore

Im so exhausted, Ive only gotten about a total of 8 hours total over the past 3 nights because either I cant sleep from being scared, or because I force myself to stay up.

she’s fucking ruined me, she abused me, I was used, yet all these years later, Im the one that continues to suffer from the thoughts and words she forced forever into my mind, while she got away completely scot free with no consequences, so she still continues to harm and manipulate people to this day because she got away with it when it came to me.

I feel like it’s all my fault and I should be the one trying to stop her, but I have no control, Im legally not allowed to have any contact with her. Im seen as the bad guy. Why? Because I reached out for help one too many times and the school thought it was annoying & clingy. They thought I was obsessive over her.

It’s not obsession. It’s called fucking trauma. It’s called being emotionally unstable because of abuse that I was never able to properly heal from. I was forced to move on quick and pretend it never happened so I could move on with my life, and in that period of my life I had no time to properly think over everything and heal, I had nobody to professionally talk to. Ive been denied therapy by the school and by my parents because they think therapists are ridiculous, that I don’t need one.

Im sorry, but I genuinely do think Im going to end up killing myself in the next 2 years, maybe even within a year if shit keeps spiraling downward like it has been. I need help. Im not trying to self diagnose here, but it almost feels like I have ptsd or something because I cant stop thinking about what she did.

Im not obsessed, I would know if I was. I dont think about her as in I miss her/want her back; no, not at all, I wish she wasn’t around anymore. I think of her everyday, multiple times a day, cry over her every night & stay up wide awake in fear because of her almost every night because of what she did to me. This is every fucking day. Every fucking night. I can’t get her out of my head. The same horrible experiences & verbal blows come back to me every day, and I can’t make it stop. Once it pops into my head, it’s there for hours, and it weighs me down severely.

I want to get better. Im tired of relapsing into my eating disorder over and over. I relapsed into it while I was dating her because of how miserable and emotionally strained I was, I relapsed after we broke up, and I relapsed again a few weeks ago ever since the memories & nightmares started flooding into my mind much at a greater extent than ever before. 

Im tired of relapsing into cutting. I started cutting only 8 months into our relationship because I had nobody to talk to, nothing was getting better, I felt helpless. I relapsed over and over the next couple years, it became an addiction, and now it’s becoming almost deadly. I relapsed in August when these memories started to pop up again and now everytime I get an urge when she comes into my mind, I go deeper and deeper. Im so tired of all this. 

I want to remember what she did to me so I can grow from the experience & help others who may go through similar situations since I have a large understanding of these types of abusive people;

but I also want to erase all memories I have of her. Everything. Even hearing her name or hearing certain words makes me think of specific situations in time & makes me have to leave class or put in earbuds to drown out any noise to try and distract myself. She’s ruined me, and it hurts even more knowing that she’s still doing this shit to other people, and getting away with it. She gets away with it because I’ve been told by my school that I need to keep my mouth shut & never talk about her. If someone is her friend or she talks to people, I have to stay away and just let it go. Meaning she could have another victim right now, someone exactly like me, who’s vulnerable & overly trusting, thinking she’ll be a good friend, and they’ll end up being hurt, insulted, used, treated like absolute fucking shit and they may start to self harm or contemplate suicide because of how negatively it effected them, just like it’s effected me. And that. Fucking. Horrifies me.

Knowing someone else could be in my exact position because of her is one of my worst fears. I dont steal her friends, but rather they usually come to me after a few months. Why do they come to me? Because they see her true side & are smart enough to get away while they still can, because she’s told everyone she could about how she thinks Im the bad guy because I came out about my abuse, so logically when they see her true abusive nature, they come to me to see if I really am what she’s described me as, or if it was all just lies, just like her supposed goodie-two shoes mask was all a lie to cover up her true deceiving manipulative personality.

I can only look forward to the day when she leaves this town and has nothing left, or the day when finally the consequences finally come around and ruin everything she has, so she feels the torture and suffering Ive silently been going through for 5 fucking years. Im not religious, but I pray God have the tiniest bit of mercy left on her fucking soul when her time comes around, because she’s going to need a miracle to get into any kind of heaven with the things she’s done to the dozens of people she hurt.

[turtle-steverogers]

Tell Me Why Again?

here’s some of our disaster boyfriends spot and race who are bad at feelings and relationships tbh but they’re trying.  sorry if its kinda shit.  it takes place in the binge baking universe kinda...like medda has cancer in this too

warnings: fighting

ship: sprace

editing: no

Race couldn’t even remember why they were fighting at this point.  Some trivial thing no doubt, that escalated into a screaming match.  Typical.  If they went to a psychologist, or talked to Albert, who was a psychology major, they would probably come up with some fancy explanation as to why they always fought like this.  Probably something about repressed childhood anger and bad coping skills and all that Freudian bullshit.

The reasoning didn’t matter as Spot shouted at him, spit flying from his mouth as he gestured wildly and without purpose.  Anger thrummed loudly through every vein in Race’s body and his ears were ringing as he let Spot’s words bleed back into his consciousness.

“And I’m so sick of always being the bad guy!  Of always taking the blame!” He seethed, eyes glinting furiously.

“I do not put all the fucking blame on you!” Race shouted back, adrenaline driving his voice to a higher octave.

“Bullshit,” Spot spat, “You always play the fucking victim, Antonio.”

Race froze, livid and horrified.  They crossed all kinds of lines while fighting, but his name was an entirely new boundary.  Spot knew his association with that god forbidden title his father had given him.  He knew how much it fucked him up to hear it- especially in an angry atmosphere much like the one they were creating now.

He clenched his fists at his sides, driving his fingernails into his palms, “Don’t you dare fucking call me that!  You know how much I-”

“Oh!” Spot exclaimed, a manic laugh intermixing with his wavering tone of anger, “There he goes again!  Playing victim!  Feeling all bad for himself!”

Race huffed out a disbelieving laugh, stunned that Spot was taking it this far, “Well, you ain’t a saint either, Sean!  You’re so fucking bent on playing tough guy all the time!  You drag down everyone around you, you realize that, right?  You and your toxic masculinity.  Afraid to be seen holding your fucking boyfriend’s hand in public!” his voice was bordering shrill by the time he was finished with his rant.

Spot set his jaw, his voice dangerously low as he answered, “You know why I don’t like to hold hands when we’re out.  You fucking forced it out of me during one of your hissy fits, do you remember, Tonio?”

Race flinched and Spot scoffed.  Race did remember.  It was after their group had gone bowling and Race had tried to intertwine their fingers between games.  Spot had pulled back abruptly, busying himself with his soda.  Race had finally snapped that night, furious that his then boyfriend of nearly six months still had refused to display the fact that they were dating.  He had accused him of being ashamed and yelled at him for nearly an hour about how little he was putting into the relationship.  It was then that Spot had broken down, finally admitting to having a homophobic father, that had instilled an ever-present fear of being outed into him after so many years of mental and physical torment, before finally being put in foster care.  Race had apologized, but neither of them had completely come back from that incident.  It probably wasn’t healthy.  This probably wasn’t healthy.  No, this definitely wasn’t healthy.

He loved Spot more than anything.  He wanted to protect him, to show him that.  But both men had so much trouble communicating their issues with both themselves and one another that by the time it had all piled up, it was too late and they were taking out their anger on one another.  It was a habit that needed to be broken.  

“You can’t even do me the courtesy of answering?” Spot sneered.

Race flicked his eyes back to Spot’s, growing angry once more, “Shut up, Conlon.”

“Don’t tell me to shut up!” Spot punctuated his statement by hitting his thigh with his fist.  Race could tell he wanted to punch something else, the wall probably, but he had learned a while back that that was not going to fly with their rental bills, “You should at least-”

He was cut off abruptly by Race surging forward and connecting their lips, deepening the kiss for a moment before pulling back.

They stared, breathless at one another.  Spot’s eyes were swimming with leftover anger, confusion, and pain, and Race softened.

“We need to stop this,” Race said, a note of finality in his voice, “We can’t keep doing this.  We’re going to crash.”

Spot averted his eyes to somewhere just to the left of Race’s shoulder, “I know,” he murmured.

“We always do this.  We let things bottle up until we’re testy and annoyed at everything and then the littlest thing sets us off and we blow up.  It’s bad for us and it’s bad for the relationship.  Do you even remember what we were mad about?”

Spot hesitated, “Uh, I got mad because you didn’t get the mail.”

Race ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath, “Case and point.  It was a tiny fucking thing and yet we spiraled until we were throwing toxic waste at each other.  Boyfriends don’t do that.”

“No, they don’t,” Spot said, then whipped his head up, a new fear in his eyes, “You don’t wanna break up, do you?”

Race shook his head, “No, I don’t.  But I do think we need to seriously reevaluate how we handle things.”

Spot nodded, pacing over to the couch and sitting down.  Race followed, sitting next to him and resting his forearms on his knees.

“How do we do that?” Spot asked, voice tired.

“We needa start talking to each other,” Race said, “Were you really mad at me for not getting the mail, or was something else bothering you?”

Spot paused for a moment, eyes hard and focused on the rug underneath his feet, “I dunno, I think I’ve just been stressed about everything that’s happening with Medda and her cancer and Jack kinda got mad at me on Saturday because I forgot to pick up Smalls from her kindergarten and yeah, I don’t know, like you said.  It kinda piled up.”

Race reached out a hand, allowing Spot to take it in his own time, “Thank you for telling me.  I’m sorry you’ve been stressed and I’m here for you.”

Spot started to run his thumb over Race’s knuckles subconsciously, “I’m sorry I called you by your, uh, yeah.  And I’m sorry for everything else I said.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Race said, sincerely, “I shouldn’t have brought up the PDA thing when I know why you react the way you do.  And I shouldn’t have thrown any of the other shit I said at you, either.”

Spot shifted, looking at Race for the first time, “I, uh, are we good?”

Race nodded, “I think we are if you do?”

“I think so, too.”

“Okay, I’m glad,” Race said, “But, next time, we need to talk to each other.  I need to do better about it, too, not just you.  So if one of us is starting to feel stressed, or something’s bothering us about the other person, we need to bring it up, okay?”

Spot squeezed his hand, a ghost of a smile on his face, “Okay.”

Race smiled, “I love you, Spot.”

“I love you too, Race, really,” Spot brought Race’s hand up to his face and kissed his knuckles.  Race pulled him in and hugged him in return.

“Look at us,” Race praised, a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth, “Being mature and talking about our feelings.”

Spot snorted, “Don’t push it, Higgins.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, asshole.”

“Numbnuts.”

“Asswipe.”

“Cornfucker.”

“Oo, that’s a new one.”

“I know.  I was proud of it.”

Both boys laughed, the tightness that previously plagued both their chests loosening.  They were going to be okay.

-

thanks for reading, chiefs

hmu to be added to my tag

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@andthewoildwillknow @the-newsies-justice-for-zas-blog @sunshine-e-cigarettes @have-we-got-news-for-you @musical-shitposts @thebroadwayaesthetic

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#newsies fic #newsies #spot conlon #sprace #racetrack higgins #our boys fight alot #poor race #poor spot #rip oop

[01010010-posts]

abo anon. i saw your response to my rough play ask &... imagine 69ing with omega connor. he's on top, hands bound w rope behind his back, mouth knotted as his alpha continues to eat him outas he writhes, holding his hips tightly & spanking him cuz he's overstimulated & moving his hips a bunch, moaning around his alphas cock. when it's finally over he's still moaning from all the praises as alpha wraps him in a blanket & kisses his bright blue face.

AHHH sorry for the late reply!!!first of all yes, absolutely yes??? how the fuck do you even think these things im crying,,,, i bet you would be super good at writing them!!! you should try it!!connor with his hands behind his back, tied by a rope, squirming, because he both hates and loves being restricted like this, his mouth completely filled, the sensors on his tongue going into override, his body at the mercy of his alpha, who doesn’t wait on his omega to adjust but continues to stimulate him, their tongue moving, their fingers gently caressing connor before striking again and spanking him, leaving a visible mark on his skin. the same that’s weirdly blue on his face, around his nose and under his eyes. he can’t help but be overwhelmed by all these sensations. he might overheat a bit. and by a bit i mean a lot. and by a lot i mean he’d gladly faint from the pleasure. AND the praises dont get me started on the praises. he’s feels drunk whenever you praise him!!! giggly connor that adores being praised, esp during sex!who wouldnt honestly *clap handsx4*i dont have anything to add to this ask bc it’s perfect already if not that im fucking guilty of making omega connor such a sub because im wEAK why cant i peg android boys,,,,!!!!!! :’(((i love this sm mdk.djkdjdkjlj60 would prob have a hard time bc he’s him ok but if he’s feeling more angry/jealous than insecure then gosh,,,, he would *drag* his alpha somewhere close and private and pout. he’d stare at them for a long time, not saying anything, his shoe probably tapping nervously on the ground. they’d have to figure it out themselves. which, they do, because they know 60, they know what’s gotten into that tiny head of his. and so they apologise, kissing, cuddling, pulling him near, hugging him. but that’s just sufficient to calm him down and reassure him. of course it’s not enough. he needs to be teased too. to let him know that his alpha learned a lesson. and he’d probably take control of the situation, kindly, but still control. he’d make his alpha beg. and yes, they would def reek of each other’s scent. everyone needs to know!!connor would repress his jealousy because come on it’s a stupid emotion to feel of everything he could. he shouldn’t even think about it. and yet. yet he’s there, his mind clouded, his eyes roaming the room, looking at you, secretly playing with his coin in the pocket of his jacket…. GOD. he can’t do this anymore. he asks to speak with you in private and as soon as you’re alone he regrets his decision why did he do it oh no no no now you’re gonna laugh at him for being so stupid, for being so jealous, jealousy is bad right? but he cant help it. it’s stronger than him. so he just,,,, lowers his head like a guilty puppy, muttering something inaudible and you coax him into repeating it again and again until it’s actually sounds and then letters and then words you can understand. and you don’t like what you understand. you didnt mean to make him doubt himself. you sigh, sweetly cuddling him, biting his neck, leaving splattered marks here and there, not bothering to stop this ritual that has him gasping ever so slightly, there’s plenty of time to talk about this at home, in the moment there’s just him and only him, his need to be gratified, to be told ‘good boy’ and ‘i love you’, to be reaffirmed as your lover, as enough. he’s so enticing you can’t help yourself either. he looks embarrassed but happy at the same time when he returns to his workplace before you, to not be suspicious, though his and your scents mixed together don’t leave much to the imagination for others.RK900 mhh. he’s possessive allright. but he’s also quick to get annoyed and that’s maybe one of his biggest flaws. not to mention that’s he’s vvvv needy in this AU. he might either not even give the other omega the chance to approach his alpha (have you seen this boy? he’s fucking huge, he’d scare anyone in a heartbeat) or let them do whatever they want just to sulk later, be nervous and have this distressed scent & aura around him. of course he wouldnt tell anything to his alpha. not because he wants them to get it as 60 or something like this. he’s just. a bit sad. he knows he’s an android and it often hits him. and when it does he’s…. really at loss for words and reactions. he’s apathetic. so it’d probably be his alpha having enough of their distressed omega and acting kinda brash, taking him somewhere quiet. he’d get more nervous and with a 100% probability he’d retort in a bad manner at the ‘what’s wrong?’ of his alpha. and he’d try to get away with it. to just wait for the sour mood to pass (though he knows it won’t pass, not like he can forget or anything like humans do). BUT his alpha feels guilty af, they def pushed him and did the wrong thing. so they grab his hands and ask him to stay. at least a little. he doesn’t move, letting you do whatever you want, he’s tired already. he only needs his nest. so you bit your lips and apologise to him, comforting him, not leaving even a doubt in his mind, he’s the one, he’s the only person you want, yes, he’s a person. not an android, not an omega. a person. your person. he’d probably want you to hug him for a solid minute, inhaling your soothing scent, taking deep breathes, ingraining in his wires that you’re there and you’re his. and everything will be this way forever. he’d linger his tongue on the bite mark he did on your skin, wanting to remind both of you that you’re soulmates. partners. mates. doesn’t matter the name, the only thing that matters is you two. it would definitely evolve into something more, needy as always, but this time with him wanting you to feel a bit bitter, a bit like he does whenever someone is too flirty with you. whenever you don’t smell like him in every part of your body. which, after he finishes with you, wouldn’t be possible.AHHH??? thank you baby?? this means a lot bc jdkjdlkjd i hated that thing, i posted it and wanted to forget about it. but maybe re-reading it after some days it’s not super bad. if you like it then that’s the most important thing!! it was thanks to you after all!! tho im a bit sad that i lost the purpose of it halfway through, think it kinda shows. i could def have done better ugh!! or maybe im not cut for writing sexy things who knows!!!! (as i was typing this i lost this whole answer for a moment and started to cry and shake, fortunately i got it back)FUCK?? YES?? MHH??he promised!!!! now he has to obey his alpha n be good and actually get off from his little friend down there. and boy he does. he still has to try 4 out of 4 speed. he’ll,,,, cum sm. dirty. AHAHAH his voice box goes hoarse for a sec, thank god he’s an advanced model and quick to disable it because he was this close to let everyone hear. which, ironically, turns him on like there’s no tomorrow. does anyone even work at the DPD or they just all have sex there?

#DBH #dbh abo #dbh a/b/o #dbh omegaverse

[noahsenpai]

lemme quickly explain why i feel i cant explain my frustration of others dependence on me without being too fucking afraid

im so done with people taking advantage of my guilty complex and making me feel like some sort of shitty person for feeling some kind of frustration or disappointment towards other things. this especially happens if i try to explain that some people are too dependent of me. for example if i say ‘you're too dependent on me’ or even if i jokingly complain about something, the other person will say something along the lines of ‘oh so you musnt want (insert name of something to do with problem)’ or ‘i guess you're not responsible enough for (insert name of something to do with problem).’ i cant even express my concern for what that kind of retort will lead me to feel like doing.

you may be asking ‘liv, what does it lead you to feel like doing?’

imma be blunt here.

it makes me want to hurt myself. or in some more severe cases, it makes me, for lack of a better word, suicidal.

it makes me feel like a shitty fucking person. an irresponsible person who cant just do good for others and who cant be responsible for their own actions (it probably makes more sense to say my own actions as well as the actions of others). yes, i love helping when i can, but if im relied too heavily upon, i start to sink into myself and feel like i cant get a grip on my own life. yes, i have a wonderful life, wonderful friends and a wonderful support system. but dont come to me with your problems and expect me to solve them bc im ‘the most competent’ because you know whats really happening to me? you know why i sometimes wait for the last possible minute to do what you asked me to do?

im trying to show you that sometimes i cant fucking jump up to help all the time. im trying to show that im not as perfect as you think i am, or as perfect as you expect me to be. sometimes im the worst person to ask because im trying to figure out something that may be bothering me or something i need to focus on and not fuck up. its a constant cycle, like this:

liv gets asked to do something --> tries to talk about over-reliance on them and/or jokingly complains about something --> other person makes a retort for the purpose of triggering liv’s guilty complex --> makes liv go hide by themselves and try to convince themselves not to do something stupid --> repression of feelings, goes back to living normal life --> (back to beginning)

goddamn, its as if people want me to repress my emotions and my feelings in order to convince others that im a perfect person and that im ‘the one who you can dump your problems on and have them fixed them flawlessly’ because ‘im the most competent’ and ‘the most emotionally reserved.’

tl;dr im so tired of people taking advantage of my guilty complex when i try to express how i feel about something. so unbelievably goddamn fucking tired. why? because it triggers a depressive response and i go hide away and im scared i might hurt myself.

yeah i think its obvious i havent been to therapy in a while so peace out while i go fume some more (about this problem and lack of good fucking grammar in this post jesus christ)

#liv rambles #negative #tw: self harm #tw: suicide #((kinda))