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bluegekk0 · 1 month

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Bit of a ramble about something that's been on a mind for a while, about HK and the AU. Not really a vent, but just wanted to talk about it. It's pretty long so I'll hide it.

My relationship with HK these days is a bit complicated, to be honest. I absolutely adore the game, I get this warm feeling every time I hear the soundtrack and I still get the itch to replay it from time to time. It's a work for art and I'm so, so grateful I played it, even if I was quite late to the party all things considered.

But I can't deny that I fell into the rabbithole of having too many headcanons where I can't engage with other people to the extent I perhaps used to. I don't like many of the popular characters nearly as much as the fandom does, and those that are close to my heart I interpret in a way that speaks to me, but one that feels very distant to how other people view them.

It has some downsides. I avoid looking up HK fanart and I'm slowly starting to dislike getting posts about it recommended to me in the For You tab a little bit. Not because the art is bad, far from it, there are incredible artists and other members of this community that deserve all the love in the world. It's just that it keeps reminding me that my interpretations are so personal, and headcanons that go against them almost feel like mischaracterization, as ridiculous as it sounds. Some interpretations end up upsetting me more than I'd like, too. Some of it is misinterpretations that annoy me, but some are just things I personally don't agree with.

But part of me makes me think that it's my fault somehow. I can't quite explain it, I think this is somehow rooted in my self-esteem issues. I often fear that I don't belong, that I'm doing something wrong by not following the general fanon, that my AU feels like an insult against the canon because of how derived and self-indulgent it is. I didn't have that problem before, not to this extent, but as my mental health got worse over the months, it makes sense that something like this would also start to make itself known. Or at least it makes sense to me.

So deep down I'm torn. On one hand, I get weirdly protective over my interpretations and it's gone to the point where I struggle to separate them from the versions other people talk about. On the other, I'm starting to feel guilty that my AU versions are so different that they might upset some people.

I had some moments where I considered turning them into OCs. But every time I I think about that, I reach the conclusion that no, I don't want to do that. I love them the way they are, despite their designs evolving with time, I wouldn't want to change anything about them, let alone turn them into different characters. And it's not like I'm really changing the character from the canon. Some details are different, but it's also easy to forget that we don't really know much about a lot of these characters, so in many ways I'm just filling the blanks and writing the story around it. Not to mention, adapting canon in ways that I find personally engaging is one of my favorite things about the worldbuilding and lore of the AU. And then there's all the engagement from people who like the AU and want to learn more that is genuinely the main reason why it's as expansive as it is. I don't think I would've stuck around making art for it for this long if I was doing it for myself only.

But it's not just art, knowing that people care, and getting all the interesting ideas I haven't considered inspires me to expand the world of the AU even further, I think about it in my spare time, of all the ways I could develop the world, I still get random ideas for it that I eventually want to include, I read about something in the game's lore and I immediately think of the way I could adapt it into my AU. It became a personal project that I find comfort in, and changing it would just feel wrong. And I know how my brain works (well, at least I think I do), I know I wouldn't remain as invested if I were by myself, I need to share it with other people. And I doubt they would be as interested if it wasn't for the connection to HK. I think that's natural and to be expected.

So all that leaves me in a bit of an awkward spot. I love HK, but over the last year I built a wall around me and the sandbox of my personal interpretations, that creates this disconnect between me and the rest of the fandom. I don't think that fact alone makes me upset, either. There's a reason why I'm still sitting there and playing in that sandbox to this day, and it's because I genuinely love doing it. I guess the disconnect just feeds into my already existing confidence issues and worries. Then again, I haven't really left the fandom, and I'm not planning to anytime soon. All I'm hoping for is that my low-confidence plagued brain improves, and stops telling me I'm doing something wrong by playing in the sandbox by myself.

Okay, not by myself, that would be selfish of me to say. There's still a lot of you here, people whom my silly AU clicked with, people who want to see more of it and are still there for the 6th slice of life drawing of the week. I love and appreciate you all, and I'm really grateful I can share the sandbox with you. You're the best, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm so, so happy that you found something in my art that resonated with you.

I don't know how to end this post tbh. Again, it's not really meant to be a vent post, not the usual kind at least. Even if some things about this frustrate or upset me a little bit, I think I'm slowly moving towards the acceptance stage. I don't want to change my interpretations so they're more in line with the rest of the fandom, and I don't want to force myself to engage with things that upset me just to feel like I belong. All I'm hoping is that I eventually stop having doubts; about this, and everything in general.

I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts. Maybe someone else feels like they're in a similar spot. Maybe hearing some words of encouragement that I'm not going insane with this would also help me accept the position I'm in. Maybe it's Maybelline.

#getting this off my chest felt nice #makes me wonder if anyone else has ever experienced something similar to this #not just with hk but in general #gekko.txt #feral pk au

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aioliravioli-69 · 24 days

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I'm so excited about the tumblr art exchange it feels like my heart is gonna pop

help pleaseeee

#cinderella boy #punko #help #send 911 #I've fallen and I can't get uppp #I literally wasn't able to eat because it felt like my heart would just fly out of my chest #whyyyy #being a fangirl is such a curse😭😭😭#I feel like I've been filled with helium #I'm boutta float into the stratosphereee #I really hope this doesn't come off as narcissistic #I want her to see this side of the fandom because it's literally so sweet #the next art piece better be the phantom of the opera au!#no really #I was surprised to find out that some people didn't know there was a tumblr tag 'til yesterday #it's been here for weeks!!!#nice to see all the new peeps though :))

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r0ttingsystem · 8 months

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North here and I'm about to rant about system stuff, enjoy

I'm going through survivors guilt rn, kinda

I just read the experience of a system with an extreme persecutor and just

I don't know, thought about everything

We don't have many internal conflicts, it's peaceful

Right now I can see the people in the front room

Yellow and Tommy are gossiping about each other's crushes

Grumbot is drawing for his best friend

All our small littles are in the corner napping

Grian and Dani are to either sides of me, zoned out thinking about their partners

William and Steven are talking about school, since both of their sources are being students

Will is trying to see what other cool thing he can do with his new body, since him and commet fused into a subsystem

John is on his chair sleeping

Mary is just laying down under a whole bunch of blankets asleep

Blarg is cleaning up the headspace living room thats connected to the frontroom

Everyone else is doing their thing, drawing, talking, writing, sleeping, going in and out of their rooms

I'm just here

Trying to comprehend everything

Thing to make sense of all of this

Why are we peaceful? How can we sit here doing our thing while other systems have to deal with so much in their innerworld

Hell, our 'worst' persecutor is sleeping in a wooden chair cuddling a plushie and a music box

It doesn't help that I'm one of the only ones that can remember/care about our past

When I formed our system was a mess, everyone physically and emotionally torturing each other, we were Trying to hold ourselves together by a thread. Everything was loud everything was so god damn loud

But now it's just, quiet

Sometimes that bothers me

Why can't it be loud again I was used to be running around being one of the only ones willing to help the system

My brain is still in that mode

That I can't relax, if I do something bad will happen

But I know that nothing will happen

I know I can just lay down and take a nap for a while

I can't do my rounds? Rowan will be happy to run around headspace to check everything, he's a dog he'll be more then happy

Something going on in outerworld? Grian and Lio will take care of it

Something going on in innerworld? Again Lio could help, or if anyone needs advice they can ask dani

I know I can relax

But the thought of relaxing makes me more anxious then I can put into words

I feel like I'm the only one of a generation that has survived

The only ones from our "old system" that are still here are me, Mary and commet ,I guess will counts too cuz they share a body now, madness, misery and some more people I don't currently remember

But it doesn't bother them like it bothers me

Mary couldn't care less, commet/will too

Madness and misery don't remember much of anything really

And then there's me, it's my job to remember and to care about it, I have a whole office full of all the system information I can gather, which is most likely 1/3 of everything

And I don't understand why I'm at peace with that

Why do I like doing my job? Why does it calm me?

am I just a secret autism holder who's obsessed with information? Likely XD

Ah, that joke reminded me my job used to be a comedian, and I fucking hated that

I don't understand any of this and I'm trying to be at peace with that

But it's so hard when I'm obsessed with information to the point I beg people to let me rant to them about our system

I don't know where this was going but, thank you for listening to me

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babeygirlbuckley · 1 year

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kinda tired of all these parent redemption arcs tbh. give chimney a gun

#911 spoilers #hey dont mind me im just casually popping in 👋🏼#but yeah anyway #eddie and ramon last season felt natural/organic but buck and chim in this one felt kinda forced #like im sorry but didnt the buckleys stop going to therapy with him?#youre gonna tell me that 30 years of emotional neglect has been resolved?? like. no lol #the ending was sweet but also. idk. contrived? that might not be the right word #and CHIMNEY #i have NEVER seen mr. han smile. not once. he was cold/distant with albert too but now all of a sudden theres a baby named after his dead #dead first wife and hes sitting on the floor playing?? making faces?? pop pop is funny???#it just doesnt seem realistic to me. like at all #plus everyone else putting the pressure on chim to reach out and fix things is bullshit #hen was so against him meeting with tatiana again. i feel like she was way too nice about it last ep #yeah its fine to encourage a talk for chim to get everything off his chest but like if it was me? if this was my friend?#idk maybe im a bad person but i wouldve used harsher language than that lol #'maybe its about what you need to say' turns into 'call him out! confront him! let him see what hes done to you! make him take responsibili #*responsibility!'#also didnt like that he wound up having the talk with his stepmom instead of the party actually involved #and maybe im remembering wrong but didnt his first marriage end bc his wife died?? he considers that a personal failure?#ANYWAY #all this to say: it is not the children's responsibility to reach out and reconcile with their parents. stop trying to make chim feel bad f #for being kinda aloof with the guy who literally abandoned him in a foreign country #god my thumbs hurt. im not used to this #chimney my beloved 💖#i think thats the tag. its been a while

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5eraphim · 5 months

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I'd understand if you dont want to respond to this, but I audibly breathed out my nose after that guy wrote an essay about how 'immoral' you are on the notes of that scout fic. Like. they have no likes or ppl theyre following... did they make a tumblr account just to drag you? was this somehow the first thing they saw on when they searched 'tf2' or something?

Like, you didnt even glorify rape. the reader basically dissociates and experiences hallucinations of scout being demonic, and how the bedroom is like a fiery pit of hell. Did this human being ever engage with media outside of that one fic?

this has happened before, and yeah it always hurts to see someone making personal attacks like that in my comment section/s, but i think the shock has largely worn off.

i actually didn't read the entire thing until u sent this ask, and i didn't bother before deleting their tirade. i think i'm just going to turn off comments on stories for a while, which feels ungrateful to all the nice ones i've gotten but im getting tired of trolls and tbh, disabling the anon function on my main account has given me wonderful peace of mind. (though the disabling anons on main was partially bc of people sending hatemail about this account, and partially people getting pissed i post/engage in true crime stuff- but God, that's another issue entirely)

and while i am of the opinion authors shouldn't have to justify what they write about through lived experience, writing like this has been very therapeutic for me personally to give myself a creative outlet to process things instead of letting the bad times and memories fester inside my own head, and i've also met so many others like myself sharing my work online and it really means a lot to me. while people calling me a rape apologist/abuse fetishist/ degenerate or whatever fucking sucks, the good people far outnumber the bad.

i try to tag my content to avoid triggering others, if someone wants to ignore all that to get offended in my comment section that's their call, but i am by no means obligated to keep those comments up.

#im sorry the true crime thing has been bugging me for fucking years now im not gonna lie #i don't know for sure if i'm going to keep this up permanently #bc it's abt emotional/controversial issues i don't entirely feel qualified to talk about #but it felt nice to get this off my chest #also you're really nice to send this and i do apricate this #anonymous

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umilily · 11 months

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i'm back. (and i didn't commit murder, but it was close.)

#lily talks #i took some nice pictures that i'll probably post later #many creatures to be seen #but all that really needs to be said is that it was exhausting and i'm done socialising for the rest of the month #i am so tired of dealing with extroverts #there was only one bed but unfortunately instead of a friends to lovers fic this was more like strangers to enemies lmao #(not quite that bad but oof)#like my roomate was alright even if we ahd absolutely NOTHING in common but she was incapable of talking in an indoor voice #or just not saying something for longer than 2 minutes #and this one dude nearly chewed my ear off with his whining about having to walk places and do things #like you know #as is to be expected of a course like this one #food was the shit though #today i ate my weight in Kaiserschmarrn and that is the type of life i want to lead #also once again bavarians are on a whole other level #suffered a cultural shock talking to them #(why would you mix dark beer with coke and cherry liqueur??#that was probably the first time since i moved here that i felt understood by the austrians #also shout out to the woman running the inn we were staying at who saved us all by literally putting our shoes in the oven to dry #ironically the only day of this trip that my feet were dry was today when i had to put on a chest wader and get into a river up to my hips #in conclusion #i am not made for conducting research outside #(i nearly died on our hike and almost had to crawl towards the end bc it was so steep and uneven before giving up entirely)#but the perfect job for me is work where you have to pay attention to detail and can take as long as you'd like #i had to check riverbed samples for larvae and stuff today and that was the most relaxing thing i've done in ages

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britneyshakespeare · 1 year

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i am like. unreasonably mad right now.

#oh like SO much madder than i need to be #tales from diana #i uninvited this guy i don't personally like very much from smth last week #i told him something TRUE tho which is that my friend who was going through a mental health crisis might not be expecting a lot #of ppl there and i was trying to keep the crowd small for his sake. FOR HIS SAKE. that was half of my anxiety tbh.#i probably would've suffered through trying to be nice and agreeable if i weren't looking out for him. he's been through the wringer lately #but it gave me a valid excuse to tell this guy i already have some problems being around that i didn't want him to show up.#but i told my OTHER friend. who WAS going. not the one going through the mental health shit.#i wasn't gonna throw the first guy under the bus so i told him hey friend 2 i uninvited that guy bc i kinda have reservations about him.#i didn't think it necessary to share my first friend's crisis (when i told the guy i dislike abt it i didnt say who it was)#(that was another reason i felt like i shouldnt invite him. bc i didnt want him to know who it was. i didnt wanna share his business)#so im telling friend 2 about the reasons i have reservations about this guy right? and friend 2 is like 'oh wow i didnt know that'#and he starts feeling differently abt him. reflecting on some stuff. it's not easy to find out someone isn't who you thought they were.#he ends up 'uninviting' him (the guy i told him i dislike) from smth we were gonna do sunday. he didn't give a reason like i did #he just said 'actually something's come up and i couldnt do that' but later that day he ends up going to the HOSPITAL right #friend 2 does. he tells the disliked guy that's why he didn't see him on sunday. but now he doesn't believe either of us uninvited him #for sincere reasons. i mean i guess friend 2 didnt. but he's doubting friend 2's health in the first place #and he fucking doubted my friend going through a MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS who i was just trying to be accommodating for.#im so mad. im so mad!!! not everything's about you dude.#i had to get that off my chest. there's more but im just so mad. im kind of fuming honestly #ive been pissed off abut this for over an hour now i can't be reasonable about it. just fucking fuck allllllll the way off.

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wine-dark-soup · 1 year

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Arf

#It's 🤌 the sudden realization living alone is terrible for you #My mom visited and left this morning #I was feeling so great even stopped having insomnia (that i had non stop since august)#(Btw you never realize how tired you are until you sleep soundly for 4 days and feel Normal again)#The weather is probably helping too but thats not just that #And now im alone again in the house and the minute she left i felt i was starting to drift again #Im a freelancer #I work from home so i dont even have work relationships #And depression really fuels itself like if i start being tired again if it stop sleeping again #I will be too tired to go out and i will remain Isolated #Which is pretty much what happened since august #I literally dont know how to form Solid relationships too and not just like having a nice chat with people i'll see once or twice #It's terrible bc i am Not as depressed as before so i am perfectly aware of the tools i can use and i remember feeling so strong #When i was declared 'healed' a few months back. Like it was true and i was about to seize the opportunity #But it was like; snatched from me and it IS even more depressing somehow. It was just here you know?#Idk; idk. I hope i'll keep sleeping so i can go out at least but i am really feeling hopeless and uuuh #Ill-fated?#To the point im on the verge of crying #EDIT WRONG BLOG not that it matters i just wanted to get it off my chest #Adding this too - i immediately started bad habits again. Like playing games in the evening. Bc what else is there to do when you cant '#'Parallel play' with your mom in the living room? Chill while shes watches a show #?#Just chat with her (or anyone else)?#I have no interest in watching tv on my own i just wouldnt focus except if im 200% into it #So being alone in the living room is at best boring at worst anxiety inducing. Im just there. Waiting for something #So before it becomes unbearable i hurry nack to my bedroom and check my phone or go on a game #See what i mean?

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roaring-eeveen-louder · 1 year

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This whole Hisui thing has been hard on both of us, but I’m really worried about Mars. She’s trying so hard to be strong about all of it but I can tell it’s taking a toll. I don’t know what to do to help her. She won’t even talk to me about it.

#I’ve ‘talked’ to my mom about it. she didn’t understand but it was nice to get it off my chest #it felt good knowing someone else knew and it wasn’t just there in my chest #talking to interviewers and league officials and researchers- well it wasn’t the same #they wanted to know facts #not emotions #but I got to share my emotions and I got a nice hug out of it #I missed my mom a lot #but Mars.. she isn’t saying anything #she keeps smiling and being herself.#but I can see there’s just… none of reaches her eyes #it scares me a bit #unreality #pokémon #-pluto

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renxmaiden · 2 years

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Honestly really glad I made the decision to isolated myself away from the main SK fandom for good because it’s just wasn’t it for me even though it’s peaceful.

#delete later #Yes its peaceful but the moment a RenMei shipper breathes suddenly its not peaceful anymore when it comes to renmei #It always had that intense air whenever it comes to RenMei #Being a RenMei shipper but being in the main fandom personally felt like I was walking on eggshells and I felt paranoid #Not only it had this intense air but I hate having to see antis pretend to be nice but deep down they full on hate the shippers #sadly ive seen some people like that and... yeah that was kiiinda it for me taking a leave out of the main fandom for good #Its really sad because this was honestly the first main fandom I thought is really peaceful but its not so peaceful when it comes to renmei #And its also why I dont really tag my renmei content into the main series tag cuz... I dont want nothing to do with the main fandom #And yeah sorry for ranting im just. feeling really shitty right now. sighs #but its whatever I just needed to get this off my chest. I'll feel better soon #For now I will keep on spreading positivity and love in the RenMei fanbase like I always do <3

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theater-of-dimensions · 2 years

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I love coming back to Minecraft after not playing for months or years, because some of the changes are so unexpected in the best possible way. I almost started crying today because I tamed a cat and when I got in bed to sleep it sprinted over to lay down on top of me, and when I woke up it had brought me a piece of string as a gift 😭

#Minecraft animals in general have my whole heart #I first discovered animals can get in minecarts when my cat suddenly jumped in my minecart and rode it all the way down to the mine #(different save file)#I was organizing my chests with my cat #And I heard a meow and then the sound of the minecart launching off #Turned around and there was no sign of cat nor minecart #Ran all the way down the track (which was quite long) and found my cat in the cart at the bottom just chilling #Also today in my current save file I accidentally stole a wandering trader's llama #I had a boat with chest parked next to my farm and the llama got into the boat #Also caused the lead to drop so at least I can now keep my horse nearby without relegating her to the chicken pen #Felt kind of bad about stealing the llama #But I broke the boat to release the llama and there's no sign of the trader nor the llama so I'm guessing they left together? idk #Also my cat kept getting stuck in the boat so I ended up putting it away #Also separately this cat I also accidentally stole from an NPC whoops #Last I was aware you could only get pet cats by taming ocelots #So yesterday I found a village and there were cats wandering around so I was like ok cool NPCs can have pets now too #And I gave one cat some fish to be nice and then it suddenly sat down with a collar and became mine #Oops #To be fair though I basically just did what my cousin does every time she goes to Turkey lmao #Finds cats wandering around a village #Feeds the cats to be friendly #Ends up being followed around by the cats

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lokigodofaces · 2 years

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Okay, I don't talk about real world issues a lot on here, but I've felt like I have to say something.

Covid has affected everyone in so many ways, even those of us that haven't caught it or lost anyone to it. And I know that there are people who have lost friends and family and have nearly died because of Covid, I get that. And I give my condolences to anyone who has lost someone. Let me make it clear that I am not trying to diminish your suffering. But I am tired of being told that my experiences during this pandemic don't matter because I never got Covid and none of my loved ones died of it.

I had multiple friends who were trapped in abusive homes because of the lockdown.

I had to watch my brother struggle in school because his teachers almost entirely disregarded his IEP during online school.

I watched my other siblings, who were in elementary school, only have half an hour of school a day the end of the 2019-2020 school year, and when the new school year started, all of the teachers were surprised that them and their classmates were behind because they didn't have Zoom calls, they had a couple of assignments to do without help for months.

My sister was half a year old when the pandemic started. Once things started opening up, it was apparent that she had fallen behind in social development because the only people she saw were her family. She's doing fine now, but you have no idea how worried I was for her before.

I was in two AP classes when the pandemic started. Both of my teachers fricked off and didn't teach us anything, instead assigning us huge amounts of homework without giving me adequate instructions. Additionally, I stressed for months over I got college credit because the tests were one question each (for most AP tests). $90 one question test. And, I may be wrong, it's been a while, but I believe they took a type of question typically on the tests, and shortened the amount of time we had to write it as well. Also, so many of my friends were unable to submit their tests because the servers were poorly built and the College Board didn't tell us about all of their "security measures" (I had two cousins who took the same class. They were in the same home, so they had to take the test at the same time, but they were in different rooms. They weren't allowed to submit it because they were on the same Wi-Fi, and the College Board seemed to forget siblings exist and that this might be an issue for some people.). I was lucky that I passed both of my exams.

I basically had to do both my work and my brother's, because I had to help him read since his IEP was hardly accommodated for.

I didn't live in an abusive house, but my relationship with my parents was definitely more tense leading up to and during the first six months of the pandemic. It was scary, having an increasingly tense relationship with my family when I couldn't leave the house.

Honestly, it wasn't until part way through the 2020-2021 school year that teachers could kind of teach online. Most of mine didn't even have Zoom calls for a long time, and only assigned homework for things we had to teach ourselves. Only my math and physics teachers really did anything to teach us.

About half way through the 2020-2021 year, we had to start doing Covid tests in order to do extracurricular activities, and a few times to even go to school. These were performed by random faculty members, and they didn't know what they were doing. I was honestly terrified for my sinal wall, the way they shoved the swabs up my nose. And those swabs were only supposed to go a centimeter up your nose.

I know of at least two people (there were probably more) who were supposed to be in quarantine because of contact tracing, but weren't told that by the health department until after the period they were supposed to quarantine. Also, we weren't always told the results of our Covid tests to stay in school or extracurricular activities.

I was in marching band, and we were almost shut down several times despite the social distancing, masks (yes, in a marching band), etc. Yet the football team and cheer teams could do whatever. Seriously, someone on the cheer team posted a video of her and her teammates not social distancing, sitting closer to each other than is normally socially permitted, and everyone knew about it. The school did nothing about it, yet they shut down another team the week before. But cheer can get away with anything in my high school.

My high school was under construction, so there was a dust problem. If you have never experienced your mask being covered in dust and not having a spare, you should be grateful.

For the first half of the 2020-2021 year, more than half of my school was under quarantine at any given point. I am one of the rare people that was never quarantined. We were told by the administrators that we all probably were asymptomatic because we were young, which is why we would go online with like 1% confirmed Covid cases. It wasn't until January that everyone in the school got tested that we found out that it was actually only one extra person that had Covid (and she had been making out with one of the other people with Covid). Doesn't sit right with me that we were all told that we probably all have had Covid at least once without realizing it. And then to forget that was ever said and act like no one ever thought that when multiple school wide tests showed that the vast majority of students did not have Covid all at once.

We were all told we had to social distance no matter what, but they expected 21,000 students to fit in a tiny cafeteria. It was split up into three groups, but still, that's a lot of people in a small cafeteria.

After a while, my school made a requirement that teachers had to use Zoom. Including band/choir/orchestra/theater/etc. You can see why that would be hard. If I were a band director, I would have my students fill out practice charts or something, not make them play on a laggy Zoom class.

When I graduated, the plans for graduation changed every week leading up to graduation, including two days before. You can imagine the stress that put on my parents and I.

I feel sick when I think about having to have online classes now.

My mental health tanked in the first six months. I wasn't suicidal, but I was pretty close.

School sucked for me, so the fact that I almost cried when it was announced that we would have in person classes because I was so relieved to get to go and not just do horrible online classes is saying something.

My dad is an assistant manager at Lowe's (an essential business). He worked ridiculous hours because people couldn't work in the day anymore. Daycares were closed, so parents had to watch their kids. My mom is a stay at home mom, so my dad was able to go to work at any hour. In January 2021, half of the managers had Covid. There always has to be a manager in store, so my dad and the other manager had to work every day, switching off shifts, losing all of their days off (my dad had a few days off scheduled because of his birthday). I basically didn't see my dad for two weeks.

And these are just a few of the things that have happened off of the top of my head. And I have been relatively lucky to live in places with less Covid cases, so things opened up faster. I know that lives have been lost, and I am so sorry. I understand that I have suffered far less than so many people I have been lucky to not lose anyone and to not get Covid myself. But I am tired of being told that I didn't suffer, and that I am just being "whiny" and that I need to shut up. I get it, people have suffered far worse than me. But if people could acknowledged that I suffered some too, and stopped calling me whiny and recognized that I had legitimate problems, that would be nice.

#liv won't shut up #covid #felt nice to get that off my chest #i just hate how my experiences are dismissed #i mean i was borderline suicidal how can you dismiss that?#suicidal thoughts tw #still wouldnt claim to be suicidal but i was definitely getting close...

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sapsolais · 2 months

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#spiritually apologizing to my philosophy professor for always having a crisis on wednesdays #sorry bro 😔#i actually really miss the first english professor i had online #he was so nice :'] he gave off Huge magnus quinn vibes #if i had him today i would've gone to class i think #i just don't. feel great and i've never really felt this way before and it's kind of complicated and all #tangled in my chest like spaghetti and i don't like it #there's like. a large part of me sticking up for myself internally that wants to hiss and fight shdjfhgjg #but logically. some of my feelings are justified but others are not and i know this #it's just. wombo combo ough #and i could really use a friend or #i dunno. someplace to go to #i was just gonna go to my Usual Parking Lot Nap spot #but i cried on the way home last night and i felt like i might end up crying again and that isn't something that's happened often lately #and i dunno. i wanted to keep driving. so i put on my Chill the Fuck Out playlist. but i didn't know where i was going #or where i Could go for comfort because there. isn't really anywhere dhfjghg. i thought abt the gym tbh but was worried abt stressing out #the trans tape on Day One shdkfhfk. so i figured i could drive downtown and get some pan dulce #and champurrado from my favorite place because it's been years and i need some comfort #think i'll go to the park and just walk for a while afterwards. i could use it #sap says

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screampied · 4 months

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how jjk men react to you being quiet in bed and trying to hide your moans

ps: love your writing and I don't know if you've done this or not but respond when you can happy new year🎊

❛ JUST A TEASE! ❜

geto, sukuna, gojo, toji, nanami. jjk men dealing with a quiet s/o who hides their moans.

warnings. fem!reader, lots of praise, dirty talk, cunnilingus, hair pulling, overstim, hiding your moans, size kink, 18+

wc. 2.5k

an. happy new year !!!! and thank yew smmm.

★ NANAMI KENTO.

“everything okay?” he’d hum, and nanami’s got you riding him, two soft grasped hands latch onto your waist as you’re slowly lurching and bucking your hips against him. nanami ghosts a few fingers down your waist.

a sly teasing expression with the way he’s leaned back, his eyes trail from up to down as he sees your cute expressions. “you’re awfully quiet today, princess.”

and you were very much quiet, he raised his brows at the way you hide yourself into his neck, trying to deflect the situation by softly nibbling on his skin and he smiles to himself.

“is the pretty baby shy to make noise?” he coos, his words were warm—full of tenderness with a tad of playfulness. you let off a soft gasp from the way he lightly grips a bit more on both sides of your waist. nanami makes you start to move your hips, bounce against him, your skin ricocheting from each thrust and you’re so full, pumped full of his girth you can’t even think clearly. “you don’t gotta hide from me. ‘s just me, hon. your moans are adorable, y’know?”

you pathetically nod, feeling yourself throb from not only his sloppy hits against you—but his words, the way he was so soft and tender with his praises.

“i-i know,” you muttered, your arms went around him and he softly chortles, brushing his thumbs against your hips—creating a pattern-like trace of circles against your skin, giving your sweet curves all types of attention and touch. “i just don’t wanna be so loud. it’s…embarrassing.”

“embarrassing?” he repeats, and he’s still leaned back. nanami’s so pretty, blond hair slightly ruffled, a few beads of sweat run down the sides of his head as if they were in a competitive race with each other.

he’s balls deep to where you slip out a moan from feeling his tip kiss against that spot that always gets you weak. “oh, don’t say that,” he happily sighs, there was a sparse glimpse of sparkle in his eye and he smiles. nanami lightly tilts your chin up to bring a kiss towards your lips. “you could never be embarrassing, my love. if anything, your sweet moans and whimpers are quite adorable. the way only i can make you sound like that makes me feel a certain type of way.”

“really?” you’d moan, squeezing your glossed lips together.

“really, princess.” he reassures you, your entrance felt as if it was nearly at its limit, nanami’s cock stretched and stretched against you as you felt him throb—giving him a subtle glance. you could spot his sharp jawline, and the perfect way of how it clenched and tightened. you made him so aroused, for a brief moment he stared away before pulling you towards his chest.

you choke out a whimper, pressure building up inside of you, how filthy it was at the way his tip french-kissed your g-spot, a sloppy smooch with the head of it — you’re spasming, you’re stupid.

“k-kento, ‘m gonna cum...” you’d gasp.

“can’t hear you pretty girl,” he groans, peppering a few kisses near your face. “i wanna hear you. speak up, wanna hear that voice talk to me nice.”

once you end up creaming down his shaft for a second time. you’re shaking, a mess and he has to hold you in his arms. a warm smile on his lips as your body lifelessly rocked against him.

not exactly moving your hips anymore—you panted, tugging on the front fabric of his shirt before slumping your head against his chest.

“aww, my poor baby’s all exhausted, hm? there there, ‘s okay. i got you, kento’s got you.”

★ GOJO SATORU.

the moment he figures out you’re trying to be quiet purposely — hiding your moans. a hand covering your mouth he grows confused, yet it turns to straight cockiness.

“heyyy, don’t be like that,” he purses his lips, you’re laid flat on your back with your legs just lightly pushed apart. just open and spread just for him and only him. “hiding your pretty moans from me? aw man, that’s no fun, princess…”

and he gives you a faux pout your right hand that wasn’t occupied, your nails dug into the depths of his skin, marking up his pale toned arm.

gojo looks down at you, one hand lightly pressing against your tummy to feel how good he was fucking you.

“m-mhm s-sato—,” you’d pant, again and again. your pussy gripped and hugged tight against him. a bear hug practically. your walls grew out to be so needy, suffocating yet you get cut off your words once he grabs your chin. a thumb swipes against the tiny drool seeping down the corner of your mouth.

“don’t hide from me.” he murmurs. he’s real slow with his movements against you, slow and steady.

his bare chest presses against you, and he’s so hot, his heat radiates against your skin, almost as if he was sticking against you. “don’t cover that pretty face. matter of fact,” and then he pistons his thrusts—a hand running up and down your waist, squelches of your cunt ringing through your ears like a bell. “moan in my mouth. gimme a little kiss,” and then he teasingly puts a finger against his lips. “riiiight here, baby.”

his body jerks against yours and gojo brings you into a deep kiss once you lean. his tongue traces against yours, heaving before he starts moaning into your mouth from your sweetened taste.

“sweet girl,” he’d grunt, you could feel his erectness practically plug you full. whilst gojo’s chest pressed against yours, he started to grind slowly against you. your lips parted a bit, eliciting a needy moan from your throat.

it was the way your legs trapped his slim waist, easily locking around. you gasped — feeling gojo move your hand from your face, pinning them towards the sides, and you felt that dumb coy smile of his tug against the corners of his lips.

he smiles at how you start to cover your mouth again, but he moves your hand away. “so damn shy for nooo reason,” he teases. with a blindfold half on, gojo he playfully tugs on the band, clicking his tongue with a swift head shake. “ah ah, i wanna hear you.”

and you grew out to be more flustered the minute he pulls away from kissing. strands of spit depart your lips and his. leaning into your neck to softly, gojo nibbles against your skin all to just to drag out more noises from you.

“think ‘m gonna laugh at your orgasm or somethin’?” he whispers against your skin, still buried deep—inches inside your pussy that gripped and clamped down on him before he giggles at the way you nod. “aw. i won’t do that. ‘m not that mean.”

“promise?” you mumbled.

his thrusts, so fulfilling. it was so deep, reaching directly into those spots to make you your brain short circuit. swallowing thickly, you end up cutely tugging on his arm.

he chuckles. “oh i promise, baby,” and then he plants a kiss near your nose—cheek—then near the corner of your mouth, finally locking his fingers with yours. “be as loud as you want, if it helps, i’ll be loud with you,” and then he runs a hand down his back. “just…not too loud because it’ll be the seventh time the erm…neighbors complain about us, heheh.”

★ SUKUNA RYŌMEN.

“what’s with you?” he raises a dark brow, your back’s being pressed against his chest.

riding him in reverse and you’re so quiet….

dragging a few nails lightly against his thigh and he gives the right side of your neck a few playful bites. “you’re not all whiney like ya usually are.”

his words were so smooth and sly against your neck, delicately brushing against your skin.

he throbs inside you, and you clamp and clamp down on him. you’re so dizzy—yet you seclude your moans by pressing your glossed lips together, only cute faint soft mutters of moans slipping out here and there.

“…woman,” he grunts, pausing your hips, your eyes briefly widen at the feeling of sukuna’s big hands hold your waist in place—a single shift of his thigh, and you felt his girth expand deep inside your walls. “aw don’t don’t hide from me now,” he smiles, a mere softness gliding against his deep tone.

you started to cover your face with your hands from how embarrassed you were—yet sukuna grabs your hands and chuckles. the way the tips of his fingers graze against you make you tingle. you pulsed so much—it got you off to where you felt yourself start to salivate, all from his touch and words.

“you know better than to not hide your pretty voice,” he murmurs, softly sinking his canines into your neck. nibble after nibble, you panted. a whimper leaves your throat once he starts to bounce his thigh. “or…should i stop?”

“n—no,” you choked out, a swift head shake. the way he softly sucks against your skin, gentle fangs softly seeping into your neck before giving your neck a few sweet kisses. “kuna- don’t stop.”

“i would,” he hums with a chortle. deep voice full of smug and satirize. and his cock was just idle against you. at this point you were cockwarming him, and you wanted to move but he had your hips still. “but i guess someone thought it was a good idea to hide their pretty moans from me.”

he was such a tease—you felt yourself burn up once he drags a a hand down between your legs to rub a few good circles against your clit, maneuvering his fingers, and you’re so wet….

it was sloppy.

squelch after squelch. you whimpered, gripping onto his hand to make him rub harder but then he chuckles, lightly swatting your hand away. “oh…?you like that? or you’d prefer for me to finish?”

“f-finish, ‘kuna..”

“then moan for me,” he whispers, giving your skin a soft suck. sukuna starts to bounce his thigh again and you whine. nails piercing into his thighs, you hit your lip before letting off a moan. “see, that wasn’t so hard, now was it, brat,” and he helps you start to grind your hips against him. reaching so deep, your head fell back against him and he lowly guffaws. “yeah, be loud. don’t care who here’s, ‘s just you and me.”

★ GETO SUGURU.

he’d be propped up in between your legs, eating you out like a starved man. you have the courtesy of tying his long, pretty hair back for him.

a few minutes had past yet he was taking his precious time, pressing sweet kisses against your cunt.

you felt yourself throb and flutter, gripping onto his hair and he has a smile.

“love pullin’ on my hair, huh?” he mutters, swiping a thumb against your slit. you happily coat him with your slick than ran down his chin. you gave him a pathetic nod, and you shiver, lips parting from the way geto presses his tongue against your labia — giving it lick after lick.

geto’s raises a brow at the way you’re covering your mouth with a hand, just barely keeping eye contact with him.

he plants a chaste kiss against your pussy before pausing briefly. breaking himself away and now you pout. “…hey,” he murmurs, a coy cunning voice. “stop that, baby.”

“s-stop what?” you hitched, your legs feeling warm. he was so sloppy with his tongue, yet gentle.

“girl, you know what i’m talking about.” a subtle eye-roll, geto sits up from between your legs. his tone was now filled with playfulness yet a bit of sass.

you stare down at him, a few strands occluding his view of vision.

tightly holding onto his hair, he stares at your pussy then at you.

“you’re being all timid and shy. c’mon, ‘s just me. i wanna hear how good i make you feel,” and then he slowly lays his tongue flat against your cunt. “…so…let….me,” he paused between speech. using two fingers to lightly spread open your folds, geto laps his tongue again to taste your sweet. “—finish my meal, and lemme hear you.”

“o-okay.” you stuttered. gritting your teeth for a split second, your legs felt numb and not even moments later.

he ends up coaxing yet another orgasm out of you, your mind goes blank. you were so loud.

he couldn’t help but chuckle at you, how cute you were. with the way your body jerked and squirmed all because of his tongue.

geto gives your pussy a good suck, he knows all the right spots to swirl and run his tongue across.

“there it is,” he hums, and his head goes forward before you yank a bit too hard between your legs. “e-easy, sweetheart. don’t pull my hair out now.”

★ FUSHIGURO TOJI.

toji grunts — two rough hands attached to your waist as he’s got your head pressed against the mattress. you’re biting the sheets with your teeth, strained moans being secluded entirely and toji immediately notices, you feel the curve of his dick throb against you. it was so good, your eyes rolled all the way back, toji’s got your wrists in a good hold before he pauses his sloppy thrusts.

“hmph.”

“w-why’d you stop..” you spat out, your voice was a bit shaky and muffled….solely from the way your teeth tugged against the sheets.

toji’s stubborn and doesn’t reply, and instead, he makes you move your ass up just a bit—yet he pulls out, and you gasp at the feeling of him just rubbing his leaky plump tip against your inner folds.

a few inches and he'd be right back in. you cringed. and you started to whine, face down and ass up, your body felt so hot and tingly.

“t-tojiiii..”

“w-whattt..”

he mocks your voice, and you let off a frustrated sigh, he butchers your tone in the most dramatic way. you don’t even sound like that. “aw, getting frustrated, ey? how come y’er biting the sheets. ya don’t want me to hear you or somethin’—?”

your eyebrows contorted together, and you huffed out a needy breath, back starting to arch idly. “no,” and you feel the tips of your ears grow hot at a scorching temperature—his tip, it was rounded and fat, just swiping against your folds. with just a bit of a push he’d be back inside, but he kept sliding out. “toji, f-finish…finish fucking me.”

“say please.”

you pout, your cheek pressing into the mattress now—desperately craving him to continue. “please…”

“silly girl. ya forgot to say pretty please.”

“toji….” you moaned, craving to feel him again, and he caressed his fingers against your ass, teasing you—a single playful click of his tongue, and he’s got you wrapped around his finger. he starts to make you rollick and move your hips against him, still holding your hips. you grumbled, finally letting off a moan—just wanting him to not tease and finish. “pretty please.”

“good girl,” he purrs softly, dipping his hips against you just slightly before you sit your head up. “now now, lie back,” he mutters, and he starts to go back inside again, a good squeeze and fit and you let off a soft whine once his cock hits there.

you’re seeing blanks, mouth open and all, you whimper before you start getting louder. “there we go….use that whiney voice, jus’ like ya always have, doll.”

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alastor-simp · 4 months

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Alastor x Reader - Sleeping On His Lap

Here is my attempt at a Alastor x reader fanfiction. Took me awhile to kinda get into his character so please don't be mad if Alastor seems a bit off. Enjoy!

Sigh, it was another eventful day at the Happy Hotel, or Hazbin Hotel as it was now called as a certain deer demon decided to change the name. You had spent all day doing certain tasks around the hotel such as helping Charlie create posters for the hotel, clean the rooms with Nifty, break up the brawl between Vaggie and Angel Dust as he had pissed her off one too many times and organize the bar for Husk as he was passed out drunk. You could have refused to do these things, but you enjoyed helping people, so it made it all worth it.

You had started working at the hotel after you had saw Charlie singing on the 666 news about the hotel and redeeming demons, only for her idea to be made a laughing stock upon everyone who watched the broadcast. You actually had mixed feelings about the whole redeeming thing, seeing as you weren't sure if someone like you could be sent to heaven, despite not being a very big criminal during your time when you were alive, but apparently doing a little shoplifting is enough to send you a one way ticket to hell. Charlie's words did inspire you a little bit, so even if you felt that you couldn't be redeemed, others probably had a better chance, so you decided to head to the hotel and ask for a job after the broadcast was cut off from the brawl with Charlie and Katie Killjoy. You were hired in a split second and immediately pulled into a bear hug by Charlie, and then introduced you to the others.

Back to the present, you began to feel extremely exhausted from moving around everywhere, so you headed over to one of the rooms with the long couches so you could take a rest. Heading into one of the rooms, you peeped around and saw that no one was there, which made it better as you really needed some peace and quiet. Heaving a deep sigh, you sat down on the couch, turning and falling back, as you laid your body down, with your head facing the front of the couch. "What a long day", thinking to yourself as your eyes slowly began to close and you were lulled into a deep sleep.

**2 Hours Later**

As you were sleeping, you felt the sensation of someone petting your head, the soothing feeling had awoken you a bit, but you quickly fell back asleep at the warm touch. You could feel that you were holding something in your dreams, and you assumed it was one of the pillows on the couch, so you brought it closer to your face and nuzzled it. "Mm, smells nice ", as the scent from the pillow was making you more relaxed, as it reminded you of a being in the middle of a deep forest. After sleeping for 30 more minutes, you slowly began to open your eyes, and try to make out what was in front of you. Expecting to see a pillow, you saw red stripes in front of you, "Huh?" As you were still trying to make out what was in front of you, a loud voice interrupted your thoughts: "Ah, awake now are we?", said a static voice above you. Eyes opening wide, you looked up from your position and saw Alastor staring down at you with his trademark smile. Slowly, you began to piece together that you were laying on his lap, and nuzzled into his chest as you were sleeping. "AHHHH", jumping up from your position, you rolled off his lap, and your body fell to the ground as you stared at Alastor in shock, as he continued to look at you with his glowing eyes, amused at your reaction. "Um, h-how long was I sleeping on your lap?", you softly asked, as your face was red, but your eyes were showing fear, as you remembered that Alastor did not like to be touch, and you happened to hug him in your sleep. "HAHA, For quite a while, darling. It was a very busy day, I assume?", Alastor said as he placed his arm on the armrest of the couch, and his hand against his cheek, smiling even wider.

Nodding your head, you slowly got up from your position, and started apologizing to Alastor, eyes aiming towards the ground and fingers twiddling together. Alastor raised an eyebrow and wondered why you were apologizing, to which you answered that you had hugged him in your sleep, and that he made it very aware that he did not enjoy physical contact from someone unless he initiated it, feeling extremely bad if you made him uncomfortable. Listening to you, Alastor's smile relaxed to a small grin as he looked at you with gentle eyes. He did admit that he was not use to being touch by others, and was quite surprised from the sleep hug, but he didn't detest it as much coming from you, which boggled his mind completely. It must be due to your kind and innocent nature that made him react different around you, as he was used to more of the common riff raff being terrified of him or trying to battle in a turf war, but how you were with him, made his black heart melt.

Feeling that Alastor was upset as he didn't respond to your apology, you quickly excused yourself and began to head over to the door to leave. A loud SNAP was heard and before you knew it, you had been teleported back on to the couch, this time being seated on Alastors lap. "A-Al, what are you doing?!", your face began to become as red as his hair, while your eyes stared at Alastor in shock. Smiling at you, Alastor moved his hand to your chin and tilted your face up: "There is no need to apologize, darling. If I had been upset about you hugging me, you possibly w̩͉͍̱̍̂̉̊o̫̼̐̎̋͜u͚͌l̳̓d̠͉̗͋̔͞'̼̳̣̼͊̏̾̾t͜͝ ͕̱͐͠ḇ̅e̙͗ ͍͓͔̱͍͛̔͌͘͞a̝̜̘̎́͒ḽ͒í̱̙̈́v̧̌e̠͠ ̢̹̜́́̈̀ͅr̲͇̳̅̽͌i̩͈̒̅ĝ̲̦̎ẖ̛̳̲͙̀͌̽͘ͅt͉̅ ͖̞͍̞́̋͛͛ň͚̫̦́͂̿͟o̱͌w̡̕" he said, as his eyes flashed for a second into radio dials. "However! I am not opposed to be touched by you. So no need to apologize, my dear.", Alastor said as he continued to smile at you widely, but his glowing eyes were looking at you softly, letting you know that he was not angry with you. Feeling shy, you turned your head away from Alastor, muttering a soft okay, as your heart was beating rapidly. "Smile my dear!" Alastor said as he moved his hand from your chin to your cheek, to have you look at him again. Baring through the embarrassing situation, you gave Al a small smile, which pleased him. "You always over do it, darling. While Charlie and I appreciate your efforts at helping the hotel, it does no good to work yourself to the point of fatigue. If you are ever feeling exhausted and need a break, don't be hesitant to come find me, as my radio tower is open to you. Understand, my dear?" said Alastor, as he leaned closer towards you, making you flustered again.

Nodding your head was enough to let Alastor knew you understood as he chuckled, while sliding you off his lap, and as he stood up from the couch. "Now then, we should probably head back to the lobby before the others get worried about our lack of presence.", He said, as he straighten his coat out, while turning towards you, extending his hand out for you to take it. "Yeah we should", as you grabbed his hand, and made your way with him back to the lobby. You were still trying to process what just happened between you and Alastor, but you feel like you both have become much closer then before, and you didn't mind it one bit.

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