#i do appreciate all of you lovely humans for the discussion and the support. its good to talk about collective trauma in a sense. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hwaightme · 1 year

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Your fan, Seonghwa (part 2, series finale)

(part 1) (your fan ml)

🛸 pairing: seonghwa x nerdfluencer & physicist!reader 🛸 genre: romance, fluff, mutual pining 🛸 summary: a bulletpoint-style wordstream of what it would be like if seonghwa was stanning you 🛸 wordcount: 6.0k 🛸 warnings/tags: language, noraebang chaos, mc knows too much, seonghwa is a star, IT ALL COMES TOGETHER, crossover hours, is it christmas again? 🛸 taglist: @doom-fics @layzfeelit @acciocriativity @izuijin @justhere4kpop @honey-lemon-goose @i-luvsang @jcngh0-hq @black--awsum @jackinmyarea 🛸 a/n: HI! THIS IS THE END (hold your breath and count to 10) oh my word... I am so unbelievably grateful for all of you, for your love and support, for inspiring and for believing. Without you, none of this would have happened. Much love, and biggest hugs, and stay tuned for more to come in the future!!

You needed to act quick if you were going to solve anything. Time was against you, considering that in a month’s time ATEEZ were going to be going on tour, and you needed to write another chapter of your thesis that discussed experimental set up and some predictive modelling.

As you watched your computer crash yet another time, deleting the data that you had implemented into the physics simulator engine, you decided to give up for the evening and figure out how to get your plan, your life experiment, running.

Your thoughts had drifted to trying to immerse yourself in Seonghwa’s world. You were clueless when it came to music, and aside from listening, did not do much else. But what you were always ready for, was others’ enthusiasm, You wanted to see that glint in Seonghwa’s eyes return to him, you wanted him to be himself and to be proud of what he had achieved.

You were no stranger to creative ruts, to self-doubt and trying to pretend to be someone you were not. It was almost a rite of passage in STEM, and you could only imagine how intense it could be in the creative and liberal arts. In that state, one tries to remove themselves from what they can actually do, steps away from that they have overcome and believe that the work of others is something they need to measure themselves against.

This was what you had observed in Seonghwa, and this was disconcerting. Of course, you appreciated the fact that every time you called, and met, he could impress you with his newly acquired knowledge in your subject… but at the end of the day… it was something you already knew. It was something that was second nature to you, and removed his own beauty from the conversation. You stared liking Seonghwa not because he was an astrophysics enthusiast (especially since when he tried to be, it was evident that it was giving him unnecessary amount of stress), but because he was himself. That adorable nerd sitting in front of a camera having the time of his life assembling Lego. That more than cute man who was over the moon when you were raving with him about the lightsaber he had as part of his collection. The wonderful, brilliant, Seonghwa who had so much to share with you, so much to teach you, but instead was hiding his genius away. The last thing you ever wanted to do was to change him, so for the sake of humanity and the universe not exploding, it was time to act.

After a quick ideation session, your intentions and your plan was clear – but, you needed to go to a more public space for it, and every fibre of your being was screaming THIS IS A RISK. But a risk you were willing to take, and were ready to go through every mitigation strategy in the risk assessment framework that you had drawn up on eight post-its you had stuck side by side on your desk. Though, prior to doing any of that, being the certified adult and professional researcher you were, you needed permission for this to go ahead. You had already heard from Seonghwa about the number of times that his members had caused unnecessary chaos, and you were not about to join the ‘horsemen of the ateezpocalypse’ ranks. You needed to call the captain.

You were lucky that most of your friends had an equally strange schedule that made one question what time zone they actually lived in, so your close bestie who owned ‘dream-ity’ and had the patience of a saint to be able to handle none other than Jung Wooyoung, had sent over Hongjoong’s number at lightning speed, though not without trying to figure out why exactly you needed it. She already knew that you were ‘seeing’ Seonghwa, but none of the details. Neither you, nor the eldest member, apparently, were cracking about anything more ‘tea-esque’ that was going on between you.

She did initially offer to send you her boyfriend’s number but considering that Seonghwa had explicitly stated that that certain someone was the equivalent of his personal sleep paralysis demon and the real reason why his hair for the comeback was stark white (“it is not dye nor bleach, it is Marie Antoinette syndrome”), you politely refused, insisting to ‘go see the captain’, channelling your inner Karen.

Seemed that Hongjoong was also an interesting character who was able to respond to you in thirty seconds, at four in the morning. At least your friend had an early opening shift and needed to travel, this man was just night owling like you. Little did you know that this was the case because Hongjoong already had your number after ‘lovingly’ interrogating Seonghwa after your first meeting.

You had opened up the conversation by introducing yourself, stating your interests, and apologising for the disturbance. You had also inquired whether it would be possible to set up either a meeting or a call with Hongjoong, to discuss the details of your proposition, seeing as you needed approval and it may be easier to explain verbally. Hongjoong was pretty straightforward in his response:

<hongble telescope> call in 2 min?

<you> yes please thank you!

And in exactly two minutes, you were ‘face to face’ with none other than the captain of ATEEZ, who appeared to be located in his studio, hunched over just a little and in dim lighting. To be frank, you were not any better – you were still in your office, illuminated just by a couple of desk lamps, and were also gremlin-like in your posture. It was odd how, in some senses you two were alike.

“So, how is the woman who is making Seonghwa turn into a physics student?” Hongjoong joked, though it did not make you cheer up one bit. You felt a pang of guilt in your heart, and decided to launch straight in.

“About that. I have been quite concerned about Seonghwa recently.”

“In relation to physics?”

“Yes.”

Hongjoong ran a hand through his hair and looked off into the distance momentarily.

“Well, he has been kind of… out of it lately. I mean, when it comes to stages and stuff he is chill, because you know, professional and music is his passion and all that, but in the dorms, you are right he is a lot more isolated.”

“Yes, well, I am to blame for that, and I want to fix it.”

“Since when are you to blame? If anything, it is his choice so he should like… wake up.”

“Well, it is hard to kick away something that someone wants to do subconsciously, and I do not want to come across as the centre of the universe by no means, but when a person does something to try and impress you, you cannot help but feel responsible.”

“You know what, I like your approach. That’s admirable. Okay, then, go on. I am interested to hear what you are thinking.”

“Well, I want to prove to Seonghwa that he does not need to pretend to be someone who he is not. I really could not care less whether he knows anything about my line of work or not, what I want is for him to be happy.”

“You are just green flagging your way into my grumpy old man heart.”

“How are you old, Hongjoong? You are just caring-”

“Okay Y/N you are just going through a check list of how to make Hongjoong happy at this point.” He grinned and exclaimed, intertwining his fingers and leaning back in the spinning chair.

“Well, hah, I guess it is easier to do when you mean it. So, well, my point here is that… I need to take him to this one location that is a little bit more public, but I can assure you I will do everything within my power to make it safe.”

“Hold on, hold on, do you need to do that?”

“It is critical. There needs to be a little bit of a shock to the system but it is only beneficial.”

“Okay, now I am not so approving. How do I even know I can trust you? Being nice is one thing, being reliable and trustworthy is a whole other area. What is the deal? What do you know, or what can you do to prove that it will be okay?”

Frankly, Hongjoong was already pretty confident in the fact that he would be able to entrust Seonghwa to you – the eldest member’s heart was already in your hands, so what was the problem with just letting you two go for it? Hongjoong wondered whether he was being stopped by his frazzled nerves, which had been put through challenge after challenge with each of the members – even himself¸ in this chaotic journey to find and fight for love. But he needed to act in the role of responsible leader, so back to listening to you. How were you doing to impress him?

You needed to think fast. Here, every word mattered. Expressing your affection and concern was easy enough, since it was at the forefront of your mind, but here you had some six dimensional chess to play, and your opponent was a master – taking one look at the ATEEZ lore was enough, and how it was going to play out was going to be quite impressive…

Oh.

That was right.

You knew the secret of the lore.

That’s it.

You thanked your ability to hyperfixate for helping you go over all the diaries, the interviews and the albums and mvs and shorts that were linked to the story of ATEEZ. You were no stranger to extensive lore and saga-like evolution. You were a Star Wars fan, for goodness’ sake. On top of that, why had you studied the theory of relativity and quantum physics if you were never going to use it for the most abstract and obscure reasons? You felt as though you had just gathered all the infinity stones together and were about to snap an infinity glove. You looked straight into the camera with a soft smile gracing your lips, and began.

“Well, I am not sure about physical proof, but in terms of theoretical knowledge and carrying on the story of ATEEZ, I could talk you though a couple of my ideas that may or may not serve as proof for my understanding of the depth of your group, the importance of paying attention to the details, and future-forward ideation.”

Hongjoong did not look particularly impressed, since he had listened to enough ATINY explain to him some outrageous interpretations of the lore, that were anything but correct. But he was intrigued enough to motion to you to go on. And that, was when he had signed up for the shock of a lifetime.

You launched into a monologue that first, briefly summarised the relationship between every era, every little diversion and even the selection of concepts for stages. You were showcasing that really, to you, it had been simple all along, and you had been merely enjoying how they were executing what was already out in the open. When you transitioned smoothly into expressing your musings on future releases and the avenue down which the story will go, Hongjoong was dead quiet, and even stopped rocking in his chair. His jaw began to drop as you revealed a specific detail that was meant to be a plot twist – he had envisioned ATINY’s reaction so many times, and had been keeping this a secret even from his members, and here you were, saying it right back to him. Just who were you?

He was equal parts impressed and terrified, since you were a walking computer of ATEEZ knowledge. You could basically compromise the entirety of KQ with the amount of information you held. There was no choice now, it was not even a matter of trust – it was basically essential that you joined them at least for the sake of being silenced. He recalled how he had said to Seonghwa that he expected you would know at least a bit of the lore to a high level – well, he had never expected you to be able to lead a discussion on it. Hongjoong now desperately wanted to invite you to a chat with him and the CEO. This was essential for the business.

“Well, these are just my thoughts and feelings, of course. So take it with a pinch of salt.” You finished, smoothing the creases at the bottom of your shirt, a habit you had formed to calm your nerves during presentations.

“That is one big pinch of salt, Y/N. I think I will have to have you sign an NDA for that. And jeez, this has probably been the most original way someone had ever pledged allegiance to the ATEEZ mission… ever.” He whispered, suddenly looking a LOT more tired than he did at the beginning of your conversation.

“Thank… you?”

“Yeah… uh… so… where was it you wanted to go?” he recalled that he had not even asked what the public space was.

“Noraebang.”

“What the fu- did you actually just make my soul leave my body to ask if you could go sing some songs with Seonghwa?” he face palmed and massaged his temples. Damn, you really were a STEM person. Very careful. Though he could vibe with that – Seonghwa was not kidding when he said you were a mature and responsible human.

“Uh… well I needed to check with you because this is a venture outside of more secluded locations, I needed to hear your thoughts on whether it would be okay for Seonghwa to appear in a noraebang, how and when it would be possible-”

“My one request is you don’t talk lore with the guy, because I still want to maintain some authority. And ask him to take you to KQ at some point after, and I can arrange a meeting for then. I am not kidding about the NDA.”

“Sure. Thank you. Then the rest is… up to me?”

“Yes, go wild. Well, not wild, but I assume you know what a ‘safe and secure’ wild is?”

“That is basically what physics is.”

“Understandable-”

“-have a great day.”

“Yeah you are a walking green flag in my eyes, Y/N. I’ll text you some of the times when Seonghwa is free this week so you can organise the noraebang date, m’kay?”

“Perfect, thank you so much!”

When you ended the call, Hongjoong yeeted himself onto the sofa, face down, and began to run through the conversation that he would have to have with management – ‘big reveal an astrophysicist knows more than the group about the storyline that the group follows’.

Seonghwa was not enjoying the continuous winking from Hongjoong, not one bit. In addition, the fact that, upon receiving some kind of message on his phone, Wooyoung entered full sneak and snoop mode and kept on infiltrating the eldest members’ room – fifteen times in the last hour, to be exact, did not bode well for Seonghwa’s sanity. Though at least the latter member appeared to still be clueless, and pestering Hongjoong more than him.

And it only built up come the time of Seonghwa’s date with you. You had suggested to meet right outside the dorms, saying that it was going to be a surprise. His mind went right back to high school when there had been pop quizzes and surprise assessments – totally not emotional trauma speaking for him there. He recalled you had talked about some kind of conference, or convention related to space research – what if you were going to take him there? As much as he was into seeing you be very excited, and he was interested in the reality that inspired some of his favourite things on the planet, his brain would erupt or turn into goo from that much content.

He already had a hard time reviewing the online flashcards that he had created for whenever you would mention some kind of concept or word that he did not quite understand. Though you did not do it often, and never, ever did the horrid thing of overusing complicated terms just to put yourself above someone, he still went out of his way to study the thing that appeared to come naturally to your after so many years of practice, study and beyond impressive dedication to the craft. He felt that you deserved more than he could offer, that you were on your own gorgeous wavelength, and that he could only dream to reach it – if it could happen at least sometimes, that would be enough.

“Dude you are actually scary, why are you looking at that?” San slinked right up to him, pointing at the screen where there was a diagram explaining redshift and blueshift.

“Because I am ascending, San.”

“Hwa, you are not a scientist so why are you-” Mingi, who was in the process of trying to sneak a snack from the kitchen in his pocket, called out, but was quickly cut off by Hongjoong, who was standing right by his room’s door.

“-because he is respectful. If you guys had as much dedication as the guy then maybe, just maybe you would be able to carry the lore or at least pretend to understand it.”

“Why so salty?” San interjected, allowing Mingi to complete his mission without being spotted.

“Excuse you that’s called being well-seasoned.” Hongjoong retorted, not being quite sure what he meant but at least it was not salty.

“Ah yes, something that a near-retired gent such as yourself and a Thanksgiving turkey have in common.” Wooyoung appeared out of his room, shooting finger guns at the captain.

“Nah turkey doesn’t do it.” Yeosang called out, only having tuned into the conversation once something bird related was mentioned.

“Yes you guys, we have all converted to ‘blue bird’~” Yunho imitated Yeosang’s line in Halazia, deepening his voice. He was currently splayed out on the living room couch, trying to control his rage as he was repeatedly losing to Jongho at FIFA.

“We are not EATING the BLUE BIRD you GUYS!” Hongjoong sighed and tried to end the conversation.

Seonghwa sent him a grateful glance for the effective de-railing. As the members disappeared back into their respective corners of the dorm, he settled back down into one of the dining room chairs, only to be joined by Yunho, who decided to ‘take a break because he was not really feeling the game at the moment’, much to Jongho’s amusement.

“Hey… all okay?” Yunho whispered, making sure that others would not overhear their conversation.

“Yeah.” Seonghwa locked his phone and placed it face down. He tried to muster a smile, but it was a little challenging given that he could not figure out what he was going to face this evening.

“How are things with her?”

“Good. Thank you for driving me those last couple of times by the way.” Seonghwa tried to bring up the positive. Yunho, though he was able to choose violence, ended up being incredibly supportive of Seonghwa and his seeing you. To the point where he was competing with Hongjoong for best advice giver and most encouraging homie.

“Oh no problem at all. It its just awesome to see you so smitten, really. Just let me know if you need anything else, like ever. I’ll be there.”

“It really means a lot. But today she is taking me to some mystery location apparently.”

“Well you know hyung and I are right here, just sound the alarm and we will speed to wherever.”

“What would I do without you, Yunho?”

“Take the taxi.”

“Respectfully, bruh.”

“What, am I wrong?”

“Nah.”

“Good, let’s stop being sappy and get you ready, yeah?”

“READY FOR WHAT?” of course Wooyoung had to have listened into the conversation, and was more than ready to learn the ins and outs of what kind of stuff has been going on with Seonghwa.

“Seonghwa, do you want to-”

“It’s a date, Woo. It’s a date.”

“CAN I COME?”

“NO, YOU CANNOT!?!?!”

At least now he did not need to spend the next two hours stressing, but instead fighting a barrage of questions coming from all directions at once. At least Hongjoong and Yunho were already in the know, and Yeosang and Jongho were just not bothered enough and respected a thing called privacy (also known as – they will not hear the end of this from Wooyoung later anyways, so why bother now). So, he was getting it easy.

Out of all the places in Seoul where you could have taken him out on a date, a noraebang was probably one of the furthest down on the list. You had never explicitly expressed any interest in performing music or signing or… anything to do with you personally engaging in the art. You had given him the impression of exclusively being a listener, rather than someone who would belt songs into a microphone in front of a TV screen for fun. But he was not complaining. This was right up his alley.

You had taken every precaution, even if it meant paying a higher booking fee, checking the blueprints of the place to make sure you went down corridors with less people, choosing a noraebang that was primarily automated with little staff… you wanted this evening to be about Seonghwa and him having fun, rather than him having to worry about everything and everyone.

It was nothing short of brilliant to watch him as he ambled down to the room under the neon lights, excited at every piece of décor, and poking you a little whenever he would hear snippets of songs that he recognised. It was like someone had pulled a switch inside him, and the previously distressed and anxious Seonghwa was nowhere to be seen. This was the power of passion, and of music. And you felt beyond guilty for somehow having had played a part in making him believe that you did not want to see this.

Though nothing was explicitly your fault, and you did talk with Seonghwa about his life and abouthis career, you felt like you could, and should have tried harder. He deserved so much more than what you could offer, so you were willing to do anything to simply make him smile. And a trip to the noraebang was, as it turned out, a fantastic start.

You two had started off the evening with a couple of classic 90s hits, Dance with DOC by DJ DOC and I Know by Seo Taiji and the Boys, which progressed to Seonghwa fully serenading you with Perfect Man by Shinhwa, which you had picked because “haha, Seonghwa – Shinhwa sounds similar”, not realising that your ears were about to be blessed. Then you had made the discovery that Seonghwa was a girl group dance machine, and from Wonder Girls, to miss A to 2NE1 you two were losing yourself in the music, with Seonghwa actively trying to teach you key points of every choreo. As you came closer and closer to choosing more recently released tunes, however, you noticed a lull in Seonghwa’s enthusiasm. He appeared to be hesitant in carrying on with your concert, glancing at you more often, asking if you were okay, if you were happy, what your preferences were.

As minutes turned into an hour, and then were beginning to approach the second, he started getting worried about your interest. Were you doing this because you actually wanted to, or because you felt pity for him and wanted to ‘bring yourself down to his little bubble’ and have a good sing-along. Long rumination session short – he needed a reminder for just what he had achieved.

With every look he was sending in your direction, you were getting more and more annoyed. Not at Seonghwa, but at the fact that he was so quick to disregard his brilliance. Compare himself. View himself as someone who had 'not done much'. While being humble was admirable, and how he was grateful to everyone who was helping him made your heart swell, he was approaching irrational levels of self-disregard.

"Hey, Seonghwa. Can I quickly tell you something?"

"Oh if you are tired we can-"

"What makes you happy?"

"What?"

"What makes you happy?"

"Uhm... is this a trick question?"

"This is not a quiz, Seonghwa. What I want to hear is the truth. Otherwise, I will just try to answer for you.”

"You?"

"Smooth, but scratch that for a second. Does music make you happy? In another life, would you still be ATEEZ?"

"...Yes."

"Good! That is what I wanted to hear. So why are you not living it when you are with me?"

"But I... well... we bonded over space? And Lego? And sci fi and... things not to related to music... so I decided that this was what would help me be closer to you."

"I am glad that it helped us bond, I really am. But at the same time, I am upset that I made an impression on you that this was all I was interested in. I know you go out of your way to learn more about what I do. I know that you spend hours picking apart the vocabulary, the ideas I drop without thinking. I know that you care so much and put that above what you love. But this is consuming you. I am so sorry for it. I am taking away from your happiness."

"But this is not... your fault? In the slightest? I want to learn more, and I want to know what you like-”

"Relationships are a two-way street, Seonghwa. So, if there is imbalance, I am to blame too. I like you for who you are, not for who you try to morph yourself to be. I am an idiot for not diving into music until now. I am upset at myself for not enabling you to shine to the fullest. Seonghwa, you are radiant. You are the most hardworking, respectable, persevering individual I know. You remember those times you mentioned how you approach practice? Passing it of as nothing special? Well I can guarantee you, you are one of the few who is so damn passionate and so deeply caring about the future, about ATEEZ, about music. You breathe this, and I want to see more of it. You deserve more than what the universe has to offer, and I as an astrophysicist can say that. And you, as an idol, singer, rapper, performer, dancer, artist, role model, actual model and SO MUCH MORE, can do me a favour and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND LOVE WHAT YOU HAVE ACHIEVED. You have so much to be proud of, and yes, I understand that sometimes there are days where you doubt yourself and are down in the dumps - hell, I have been there myself, but just know, that even if you feel that way, neither your fellow members, nor I feel the same. You are a guiding star for many, and the one I will always look for in the infinite expanse."

"I... I really don't know what to say.... Y/N..."

You could see that Seonghwa was beginning to tear up - you had expected for him to be the type of person to take such things more deeply, but did not predict that you would be misty-eyed right there with him. Before either of you became a sobbing mess, Seonghwa pulled you close, and into a tight hug. The way he held onto you alluded to a sort of fear. A fear that this was all an illusion. That it could disappear in the blink of an eye. But you were never going to feed into that. Instead, you moved your hands to cup his face, and stared deep into his eyes, finally closing the space between you with a sweet, reassuring kiss, full of love and promise.

You upheld your promise to Hongjoong, and had asked Seonghwa whether he would be comfortable with showing you around KQ. This had led him to immediately calling Hongjoong, who, much to his surprise, had apparently already organised everything for the same day next week, and now was simply asking Seonghwa to send his regards and warn you that you were probably going to be ambushed since the rest of the guys were going to find out pretty quickly. Oh, and that you had a meeting at two thirty in the afternoon, so better be at KQ by then. After ending the call, Seonghwa turned his head, eyes wide as a saucepans:

“Since when are you business partners with Hongjoong?”

“Probably since I had to call him to ask if it would be okay to organise this.” You gestured all around you, struggling to keep a straight face as EXO’s Growl played in the background.

“And what kind of meeting is he talking about?”

“Long story short I apparently need to sign a non-disclosure agreement. For… reasons.”

“No way. No freaking way you actually did it!” he exclaimed, putting his hands on his head.

“Did… what?” you tried to hide it since Hongjoong had asked you to not tell Seonghwa the specifics, but his reaction was too cute to resist.

“There is literally only one reason why he would want you to join in on some intellectual property protection schemes, and that is if you somehow managed to crack the lore. So… my darling has the ATEEZ multiverse in her hands isn’t that neat?!”

“I said nothing, by the way.”

“I don’t need you beefing with Joongie so neither of us know anything.”

Did you overprepare for what was supposed to be a casual visit? Yes. Did you regret it? Hell no. So, you lugged a heavy tote bag around with you with a great sense of pride, from room to room, studio to studio. Seonghwa asked you a couple of times whether it was too heavy or not, but you stated confidently that it was for an eight makes one team kind of moment.

The gifts contained in the tote bag were a collaboration between eight people, after all. It was not too hard to get in touch with everyone, and they were more than invested in the idea of figuring out a meaningful expression of gratitude. This was how, in a week’s time you had managed to coordinate the ultimate deliverable, exclusively for ATEEZ, and absolutely top secret.

Seonghwa managed to force entry into what had been planned as a meeting between you, Hongjoong and the CEO only, and ended up sitting in a corner, just loving the fact that you were his girlfriend and were so immersed in his work, as spooky theories and future release plans were being hurled around the room. Being sworn to secrecy had never felt as good for you as it did now, and the joy written across Seonghwa’s face as you ended up being able to uphold a discussion about some obscure science fiction anime that the CEO was a fan of served as further motivation.

After finishing the meeting and making your way to a staff-only cafeteria for a late lunch together with Hongjoong and Seonghwa, you were stopped on your tracks by a very distinct shout from behind you.

“SPACE RACE!?”

“Oh so you were not kidding when you said they interrogated you huh?” you turned to Seonghwa after having registered that the rest of ATEEZ were about to stampede you.

“Yep, and that, my dear, was Wooyoung altering you of his presence. Whether you stay still or run it does not really matter. He has you on his radar.” Seonghwa warned you, placing a hand on the small of your back.

“And his girlfriend is my friend.”

“You have too much power, I respect you.” Hongjoong whispered as the three of you turned to greet the rest of the members.

Yunho pushed himself through, introducing himself as the designated driver to a lot of your functions with Seonghwa, for which you bowed to him and thanked him. Yeosang mentioned that your work was very cool, and how he had read your interview in a science magazine published a few months ago, which took you aback, but made you feel honoured. The rest of the members were equally polite, though Jongho was the only one who managed to control his volume when greeting you.

“So, you here to talk science?”

“Only science that’s related to ATEEZ, so if you follow Hongjoong, Seonghwa and I to the cafeteria, I shall share all.”

And who would not sign up for a little mystery?

Once everyone had sat a large table, and were more or less settled down, you finally felt like you could reveal what had been prepared. But, not before quickly shooting a text to a group chat of all your collaborators: “it is happening”.

After looking around the oversized bag, you finally took out gift number one. It was a miniature FIFA World Cup style trophy, engraved with ‘ATEEZ’ and ‘8 makes 1 team’ right at the base. You noticed Jongho go pale, just as you had expected.

Then, there was a game for the console. A side project which a high profile game developer who you admired had been working on for what had been a few months apparently, but managed to wrap up in the time you had set – a Super Smash Bros style multiplayer, but with the boys as the playable characters. Yunho began to look side to side, trying to figure out whether it was only him to realised exactly who was behind this gift.

The next gift was a double combo – it was a CD, recorded by a rapper that was currently rapidly rising to fame, together with a well-designed booklet on the inside, containing the lyrics translated into seven other languages. Both San and Mingi melted into a puddle at the side, punching each other out of excitement.

One of your favourites was a present from your good friend at ‘dream-ity’ – an array of cookies with ornate icing designs, made to look exactly like the various editions of all albums that ATEEZ had ever released. You could hear Wooyoung whispering to himself ‘this cannot be happening and when did she have the time’ over and over again.

Next were eight custom jewellery pieces, matching bracelets for each of the members that were from a not yet available, highly exclusive collection from ARNURI. You had no idea how you had convinced the designer and owner of the brand to just gift that on a whim, but seeing just how Hongjoong.exe ceased to work explained it all.

Was it possible to make a mini magazine in the span of a week? Apparently so, especially when an expert has access to top quality blackmail material collected by none other than Yeosang. And that was exactly what he gravitated towards as soon as you produced it out of the bag. He leafed through page after page, seeing a collection of inside jokes, quotes and memes from both the internet and from his stories of the boys, and was near tearing up.

Seonghwa was staring at you, flabbergasted as you produced a framed mini poster. While the rest of the members were cooing over the various ATEEZ-themed presents, you looked at him, and quietly explained:

“So, this… this is a star map. Basically, how the sky looked like above Seoul, South Korea when you guys made your debut. And under this,” you turned the poster the other way around, and from behind the frame produced a certificate, “is a document confirming you having your own personal star, named after ATEEZ. So, here’s that.”

He covered his mouth with his hand, stifling a gasp.

“Eight makes one team?” you tried, noticing that all the members were either texting, or already calling their special people.

Seonghwa reached over to you, gleaming, thanking the universe time and time again. As he took your hand in his, and looked into your eyes, making time freeze, he whispered:

“Something tells me it’s sixteen.”

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anarchywoofwoof · 5 months

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Hello again! I'm the beginner that asked you the gun control question. This question is a little more hypothetical. So, obviously absolishing capitalism would decrease the crime rates a lot. But in an anarchist society, what happens to people who do crimes not caused by capitalism- things like murder and that? This is probably gonna be my lsst question don't worry.

let me address your last comment first.

please never stop sending me asks. i love this type of engagement. this is one of those unique things about tumblr that i actually appreciate tremendously, so please do not think you're bugging me. i answer when i find the time, if i feel that i can provide some kind of meaningful answer. or a funny one.

anyway, about your question: what happens to people who do crimes not caused by capitalism. let's add another layer to our conversation about crime, specifically murder, in an anarchist society.

it's important to emphasize that while we often try to separate crimes into those caused by capitalism and those that aren't, the reality can be more intertwined than it first appears. in many cases, even acts like murder can be linked back to the systemic issues inherent in capitalist societies. some theorists believe that capitalism can create mass murderers by causing people to 'malfunction.'

it may be hard to accept or seem like a stretch (i am sure someone will send me an anonymous ask letting me know) but it's really not if you break it down. capitalism, by its very nature, breeds inequality, poverty, and social alienation. these conditions create a breeding ground for various forms of violence, including murder.

think about it - a lot of murders aren't committed by inherently 'evil' people. instead, they're often the result of desperation, untreated mental illnesses, or a life measured in crime and violence as a byproduct of poverty, racism and marginalization.

for instance, studies have shown that areas with higher poverty rates often see higher rates of violent crime. it's not a coincidence. people living in poverty, facing daily struggles and systemic - often racist or classist - barriers, can find themselves in situations where violence feels like the only option. it's the tragic type of outcome you get in a system that fails to address basic human needs and inequalities.

this is before addressing mental health as a whole, which is massively underfunded and often completely ignored, especially in capitalist societies. many who fall victim to violent acts suffer from mental health issues. we need to do a better job at understanding the context of incidents like these and realize that with better support systems in place, such tragedies might be preventable.

much like gun violence, an anarchist society would aim to tackle the root causes. by removing the regressive structures of capitalism, we would work towards a system where resources are distributed more equitably, where people are supported and integrated into their communities, and where mental health is addressed proactively.

beyond this, you start getting into prison abolition, which i've covered in prior asks a few times if you're interested in checking that out.

this is all a very simplified overview, and the real world is messy and complex. but these ideas and concepts are about envisioning a society where we address the causes of violence at their roots, rather than just dealing with the cleanup work. i certainly don't have all the answers and these thoughts should be considered minor grade contribution to a broader, ongoing discussion by minds much greater than mine.

#borking back #crime #anarchy #anarchist #anarchism

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ryuichirou · 7 months

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Waves!

Its the OruVil/VilOrtho shipper again, back in your dms offering more of this consuming ship 🩵💜

So the new event Playful Land! I’m not sure if you’ve seen any or played it yet (sadly I’m not sure if you’re EN or JP sever), don’t worry I will keep this post entirely spoiler free for the sake of everyone here!

There has been a LOT of interaction between these two.

It’s got me thinking about the whole Pinocchio story it’s based around but also with some personal HCs about Vil and Ortho being very parallel to the story of the Tin Soldier and the Ballerina (mainly based off the outfits). It makes me wonder if twst is pushing Vil to be a ‘Blue Fairy’ type role to Ortho as well.

Sorry this isn’t the usual risqué HCs but what if Vil is the one capable of making Ortho more in touch with being human, that’s his gift to Ortho - giving him freedom and choice and support when Idia has hang ups with it all.

I honestly cannot get over how close these two are becoming, it feels like more than friendship at this point, they have a mutual respect and understanding that’s so adorable but Ortho’s also becoming more of a little shit.

Deviant HCs on the table, I feel like Vil’s doting behaviour and encouragement are making him a filthy enabler to Ortho’s little god complex and entitlement. As soon as he becomes that star and sees Vil looking up with heart eyes he’s never going to let that or Vil Schoenheit go.

Cue Ortho’s dangerously obsessive and possessive arc of his beautiful senpai. It would be awful if he saved damsel Vil’s life if anything bad should happen at Playful Land and Vil is left swooning…

Sorry for the late reply, Anon!

Just in case: we haven’t watched this event yet. We don’t play the game ourselves at all, just watch everything on yt and read the translations. So thank you for not spoiling anything, we really appreciate it!

That being said, we’ve seen that the event has a lot of OruVil interactions, and honestly this is super exciting. The Tin Soldier and the Ballerina!! Such cute potential visual themes for them! Also, Vil being a “Blue Fairy” for Ortho would make sense. They do have an interesting connection, and I think Vil has influenced Ortho more than it appears at the first glance. I mean, he is the one who taught Ortho about the whole “the possibility is not 0” thing, so we’ve seen him unintentionally enabling Ortho in the main story already. Vil inspires Ortho to both take action and do whatever he wants, and to reflect about who he really is as a person. This dynamic is definitely going to evolve, since Ortho became such a special boy for Vil.

I really really like the idea of Vil being a little bit too enabling with Ortho though lol I feel like every time we discuss these two I just end up talking about how much Vil spoils him. Ortho is definitely going to become the biggest little shit with the most horrible god complex in the world if his kind senpai keeps treating him like this lol But of course, Ortho also loves Vil very much, so seeing him being obsessive and dangerous to everyone other than Vil would be so fun~ Both in canon (can you imagine?) and in fanon.

I feel like I just repeated a lot of what you’ve said, but just to stress: I’m really happy you like these two and share your thoughts with us. They are awesome….

#replies #oruvil

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sotwk · 1 year

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I have a slightly weird headcannons request if you're want to write it if not that's okay no pressure just wanted to ask and see 😊

The elves with a mortal s/o and they've just found out that human women experience periods and how they initially react and how they help or do they even try help or just leave you to it lol (Any elves of your choice and if you are ok to write this can you pls include thranduil)

I view "weird" requests like this as a challenge, and as long as it's possible to discuss the topic in a SFW way, I welcome them! Thank you for the ask!

I think Elves--learned, wise, and immortal as majority of them are-- would not be blindsided by this particular feature of the female human body. Male elves who are open-minded enough to enter into a romantic relationship with a human female would also have already done their "research" on the differences between Elven and Human physiology. Canonically, Elves do not take falling in love lightly; they enter serious relationships with the intention of forming a marital bond, which means they will have considered the possibility of having children with their beloved mortals. In their attempt to learn how that might work, they will surely learn about the wonder known as a woman's "period".

Here are my headcanons of how male Elves would react to periods, using two of the more popular LOTR elves who are also very different from each other in background, skills, and personality:

Some content below is slightly above my usual standard for safe-for-work, but nothing is explicit. Just a fair warning in case you're not comfortable with this topic!

Thranduil

His initial reaction: Horrified and slightly disgusted. It will take him a bit of time to adjust to the idea of this bodily function, but when he learns that it is vital to procreation, he will appreciate its role in bringing new life. He will still view it as rather barbaric and inconvenient, but then again, so many aspects of being mortal are. He loves you in spite of all that, and sees human fragility as part of what makes your life so precious.

How he will try to help:

Thranduil is used to having power and control, so he will be very frustrated that he cannot really DO anything to eliminate your pain. He will insist on bringing in the best healers at his disposal to ease your symptoms, but eventually he will realize and accept that the best strategy is to support and distract.

Every month, expect to be showered with exotic food, lavish gifts, and endless affection; anything your heart desires that might make the time of the month better for you. If he has to take an entire week away from his duties to whisk you away to a quiet, remote place where he can simply hold you in bed, he will.

"He will do all that every month?!" you might ask. You, his beloved, are mortal; the total amount of time devoted to serving you during your period is very much the equivalent of a blink of an eye to him. Your time together is far too limited and priceless for him to just watch you suffer without giving his best effort to make it go away.

Patience is not not his strong-suit, so your hormone-driven mood swings could potentially irritate him, and arguments and heated spats could arise. On the bright side, Thranduil is also very good at making up.

Elrond

His initial reaction: Curious and sympathetic. As a very wise, learned healer with experience treating health conditions of members of all races, he would not even be too shocked or alarmed by the discovery of a woman's cycle. His first instinct would be to learn as much about it as he can, so he can fully understand the implications on your health and your relationship.

How he will try to help:

Elrond will try to both science and magic his way through it at first. He will throw in a great deal of effort learning everything he can about your specific symptoms and the ways they can be eased through all the healing abilities and resources he commands. It is always a privilege to be treated by the best healer in all of Middle-earth, but more so for something quite trivial!

Methods of providing comfort would include skilled massages, luxurious baths (together, if you prefer), and daylong cuddles in bed. Elrond would the last elf to be bothered by blood, in any form, so even nsfw options would not be off the table for him if it would help you in any way.

Once standard healing methods are exhausted, he will then insist on just having you rest and relax, and will provide everything you need to achieve that. But he will let you decide. If going for a long, tiring walk is what will help distract you, he will simply ask to accompany you.

His compassion and understanding of the mortal condition means he will also prioritize your emotional well-being. He will stay patient and understanding throughout your irritable periods, and may attempt to assuage your foul moods by entertaining you with music and gentle humor.

My Ask Box is always open for random headcanon asks! Don't be shy; anons are welcome too, but I love to connect with fellow LOTR fans!

Fic requests are open as well! Please check my Guidelines and send an Ask.

For more of my original content, please see My Masterlists.

#sotwk headcanon #sotwk answers #random asks #thranduil headcanons #elrond headcanons #lotr elves #lotr headcanons

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the-sky-is-my-home · 10 months

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alright because it looks like they're losing by like 1 vote rn, here's some AtsuAranKita propaganda for @hqrarepairtournament

I truly believe they're the ultimate polyship. like every combination is great on its own but also adding the third only makes it better and also each individual member gets exactly what they need.

AtsuAran - childhood friends to lovers. literally what's not to like? from the "oh he just sees me as a friend" to the safety and comfort they get when they're together, knowing the other has already seen them at their worst moments and still loves them, so there's nothing to worry about. plus they're a comedy duo who miss each other so much when they're on separate teams :( they just belong together!!

AtsuKita - textbook definition of opposites attracting! both of them think the world of each other and they balance each other out perfectly. prime material for both of them to think "oh he's not into me because I'm nothing like the things he values" when in reality they see the other's strengths as extra amazing because those are their own weak points.

AranKita - perfect highschool sweethearts. they just vibe with each other. kings of quietly appreciating each other and shyly linking hands as they walk home together. this is the romance kita's grandma dreams of for him. they're so stable and supportive and good at respecting each other's boundaries you wouldn't believe they haven't been married for years.

But! Also!

Kita is here to kickstart things for AtsuAran. He makes Aran realize he's not actually okay with third wheeling all the time (whether that's for the twins as kids or for the blossoming AtsuKita romance), and Atsumu that taking Aran for granted is like the dumbest thing he could possibly do (and he's done many dumb things). Kita can point out the bad habits they've accumulated over the years and just gotten used to, to make them change themselves and their relationship for the better.

Aran can mediate between Kita and Atsumu. He understands each of them better than they understand each other, especially at first. He can bridge the gap between them when both of them think it's too big, and save them a lot of heartbreak, especially since they both trust him so much and confide their feelings to him.

Atsumu is like, AranKita's own personal hypeman. like both of them suffer from what I call "side character syndrome" where they think of themselves as secondary and not that special even when it's completely untrue (see Kita going "I'm just some guy, a human invited to a banquet of monsters" like every single of those 'monsters' isn't afraid of him and thinks he's literally flawless. and Aran is one of the best players, literally bokuto level but he's like "yeah this is the miya twin team. let me narrate their flashback, I'm just kinda also here"). but Atsumu would have none of this. he'll casually assume Aran will be there when he makes it to the olympics. he'll be so happy and proud and in awe every single time he gets to eats rice Kita grew. also he's the one to get things moving. after the 20th time walking home hand in hand he'll be like "okay I waited long enough give me a KISS I'm going insane here" while AranKita on their own would've waited like another 100 times until either of them would've brought up the possibility of a kiss even tho they totally want it.

And!!!

Aran gets to have a bf for any situation he could need one. Atsumu for endless, in-depth volleyball discussions at times of night where they should be sleeping, and for fun nonsense that makes him feel like a kid again. Kita for some peace and quiet and a rational, realistic perspective on whatever problems he faces. And of course, one bf to complete his jokes and one to laugh at them. This is what he needs.

Atsumu is a needy bf for sure, but with two partners who are more mature and patient than him, he never has to feel like he's too much, and they can reign in his worst impulses. (also both of them help with his most important platonic relationship because Kita can help him understand osamu's decision to quit and the value of making food, while Aran being in the pro leagues means Atsumu isn't alone there, he still has one of the people he started volleyball with right there, making it easier to accept). and with Aran around, he can always be boke instead of tsukkomi, which he likes way better, and with Kita around, he'll never have to worry about nobody laughing at their jokes (yes this is very important).

Kita loves and needs his routines, which both of his bfs are used to and know not to disturb. But they also bring some change and new, unexpected things with them whenever they return to him to keep him from being stagnant. Kita gets to look outside the bubble of his humble life when he watches them on TV and then proudly brag about them to anyone who will listen. and you guessed it, most importantly, they make him laugh. with how happy he always looks when they're around or he's talking about them, nobody thinks he's a robot or scary anymore.

hopefully you all see my vision now. please. vote for them.

#atsuarankita #atsuaran #atsukita #arankita #miya atsumu #ojiro aran #kita shinsuke #haikyuu #also please talk to me about them #I have so many fic ideas but I can't write them all :(

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snootsrottmntcollection · 1 year

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Hi! I currently have COVID-19 for the first time, so to deal with it I made some headcanons for Raph. If you have issues with the topic, please take care of yourself and skip this one!

So! Still here? You sure? Lovely!

HCs for Rise!Raph caring for an S/O with COVID-19

No pronouns mentioned, and no Y/N used! Established romantic relationship fluff. Word count: 696 || Character count: 3629

He’d be kind of cautious coming in your room for the first time.

Raph's top priority is caring for you, of course, but he also wishes to avoid getting sick himself. He has brothers to look after!

That is, until you remind him that the virus had specific human tastes for its victims...

...he kind of stopped giving a damn after that.

This dude is all about making sure that you’re well cared for in every way possible.

Need new bedsheets because you forgot to change them for a concerning amount of time? Gotcha covered.

Craving food that actually provides the nutrients that you need? No problemo.

He’d cook you full meals with reasonable portion sizes whether you asked for it or not, you’re sick for Lou Jitsu's sake.

“Eat something real or perish,” said in the most cheerful tone.

Got a sore throat? Warm milk and honey and/or the perfect tea coming right your way, perhaps a cough drop as well.

Coffee is also made fresh each morning. No one needs to say anything anymore, this is just how it is now.

Body ache? Raph owns a concerning amount of painkillers, don’t worry you can have some too.

This guy provides you with desperately needed physical contact.

Snuggling and cuddling is lovely just don’t cough in your savior’s face please and thank you.

Raph is very flexible when it comes to cuddling positions! He doesn't care which you prefer, he trusts you to not hurt yourself on his spikes.

You can watch videos and shows and movies all you want, Raph will probably be asleep within 5 minutes anyway.

He doesn’t fall asleep on purpose! If he’s around someone he loves and if nothing extraordinary is happening, it’s a switch goes off and he’ll suddenly doze off.

His cute little snaggletooth pokes out when he’s asleep! You resist the urge to touch. Raph appreciates the effort.

Every time you start hacking up your lungs, Raph startles awake with a yelp.

You apologize the first few times but eventually you reached the conclusion that it was going to keep happening.

He likes giving you kisses wherever you’re comfortable with. Forehead kisses are soft, and Raph is a big fan of kissing your knuckles overdramatically. The way he kneels down makes you feel like the main character.

He will absolutely resort to bribery, threats and in very frustrating cases blackmail to get you to take a bath.

“I will steal your blankets if you don’t go and wash off. I do not care if you’re sick, I can and I will!”

Betrayal.

...You’d totally do the same thing.

Raph respects you as a person but he does not take shit from sad sack bath avoidance syndrome.

He would totally vibe with you in the bathtub if he could but alas, human bathtubs are tiny as shit.

If you let him wash your hair or back or something, he might literally cry.

He will cry if you tell him that you’ll genuinely return the favor.

You pinkie promise.

Your room is going to get aired out every once and a while, no ands buts or ifs. No stuffy air in this household! Or apartment.

Raph never knows how to refer to your place.

Raph and you get into the deepest discussions ever at midnight almost each day. Not really about heavy topics but y’all just get in the zone at around that time.

Hyperfixations and hobbies get talked about, real world news if that’s something you can handle. Raph has a lot of stories to tell about his life, and you don’t mind listening.

Whenever you decide to talk about something, Raph hangs on to every word as if his life depended on it.

He’s so invested in what you have to say, even if it’s quick or brief.

Your health improves over time, slowly but surely.

He’s so unwaveringly supportive.

Time flies by with Raph on your side.

Thank you so much for reading!!

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed! Please feel free to express your opinion on my writing. I went nearly two years without getting a taste of corona, and those were... some very convenient two years. This cough is killer. I usually take time out of my day to lay on my back and just exist for a bit, especially while being sick, but I can't lay down for more than a few seconds without my lungs disagreeing. Well, on the bright side it's getting better! Take care of yourselves during the holidays folks!

Comments > Reblogs > Likes

#covid #covid cw #corona #corona cw #i know a lot of people have issues with covid related stuff so i'm tagging to be safe #take care of yourselves!#rottmnt x reader #rise x reader #raph x reader #rise raph x reader #raph #rise raph #rottmnt raph #rottmnt #headcanons #x reader #could this qualify as a sickfic? it's not a fic but there's being sick #hmpf #rise headcanons

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qwilanikan · 3 months

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On Marriage in Fandom (with specific emphasis on Good Omens)

I’ve been reading a lot of GO fan fiction recently, and mostly I have been loving it! There are some amazing writers in this community and I’m so grateful to be able to benefit from their time and skill and imagination! But… I have a lot of cognitive dissonance when it comes to shipping Azicrow, and others, and the romanticization that fandoms put on marriage and them being married/husbands.

Some context: I am a relationship anarchist.

I wrote another post with more details about what this means to me, including my opinions on marriage as an institution, with a bunch of links to articles and resources if you are interested in digging into this a bit more.

So, I mentioned some cognitive dissonance. I am pretty obsessed with Good Omens and with Aziraphale and Crowley and their relationship. But, the fact that they rely solely on each other, does not align with my own values. I don’t think it is healthy for them to have no other sources of support.

And, of course there is a lot of discourse about them being ‘husbands’, what with the ‘ineffable husbands’ thing and such.

This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while and felt compelled to try to express after encountering it over and over. Even though there are things about their relationship that don’t align with my values, I gush over Azicrow since they are not real, it’s a fantasy. I have lifelong friends that I rely on and trust and care about deeply. And so I can admire that in their relationship. But once it enters the realm of marriage it gets harder for me.

I see a lot of idealization of marriage in fandom without reflection or critique. This is not unique to fandom by any means, it’s ingrained in our socialization.

I am uncomfortable with so much emphasis on marriage (and hierarchical romantic relationships). I think organized monogamy and rule-based relationships (especially marriage) are about control and ownership, not love and respect and trust. I don’t find that appealing at all. I wish the focus was on their love for each other, rather than creating a rule-based relationship between them and idealizing that.

I try to suspend my disbelief and just enjoy the warm fuzzies of Aziraphale and Crowley being cute. I love Aziracrow because I see their love and care for each other and their care for the world and humanity. I want to celebrate that love and I don’t want to imagine that they are trying to control and coerce each other. I don’t think that supports their love, I think it supports unhealthy systems in our society.

notes:

* I want to acknowledge that this is not specific to Good Omens. For instance this has been very present on the OFMD fandom since season two, and is just everywhere all the time.

* I have historically mostly lurked, and consumed fandom, rather than engaging publicly myself. But this is something that I really care about and I want to be able to discuss. (Please feel free to engage with me about this!)

*I read one fic, (To reveal my heart in ink by chaoticlivi), which I loved. And something that I really appreciated about this fic is that even though Az and Crowley’s relationship was definitely sexual, and probably romantic (whatever that means… but that’s another topic), Az still continued to call Crowley ‘friend’ the whole time. I loved that so much! There’s no reason they can’t still call each other ‘friend’ regardless of the ways that they relate might shift over time.

* Also, as occult/ethereal beings there is no practical advantage of them getting married, as they don’t need the financial or governmental benefits it gives you, so the only reason to do it is to idealize the idea of it and its hierarchical nature

#fandom #fanfiction #fanfic #good omens #crowly x aziraphale #relationship anarchy #relationship politics #marriage #anti marriage #let’s discuss #my thoughts

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randomfoggytiger · 1 year

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X-Files Typing: 'Never Again' and Fear

‘Never Again’ disguises its true, insidious purpose under the mask of the loss of control. While Ed Jerse, Scully, and Mulder are reeling from the deterioration of their personal lives-- a shrieking mad woman in his head, a never-ending line in her view, and the swift and impenetrable withdrawal of his dependable partner, respectively-- the truth that lies at the core of each of their problems is: fear. Ed fears that all women are out to destroy him; Scully fears that Mulder’s quest has displaced her value in his life; and Mulder fears that Scully might not ever have been as accepting of what he has to offer as he had thought.

Chosen Above All Else?

Scully contemplates many things this episode: a rose petal left on a grave, Mulder’s nameplate on his desk, endless lines, and her life. She has given her Si Hero’s natural loyalty, her Te Parent’s unlimited library of her mind, and her Fi Child’s unwavering conviction in her beliefs to a cause that has grown her as a person and strengthened her Ne Inferior’s hope for humanity and the future; and it is not the never ending grind that Scully fears, the perpetual wasting away at the quest for the Truth: that inspires and strengthens her. Nor is it the fear of the unknown: that is kept in check by Mulder’s continual support, the person who takes leaps by her side and has her back no matter what. Her fear is that she hasn’t been chosen.

Scully stated to her friend Ellen in ‘The Jersey Devil’: “He’s not a jerk… He’s obsessed with his work.” Since then, Mulder and she have grown undoubtedly closer-- their reassignment, her abduction, her coma and recovery, Donnie Pfaster, his father’s death, her sister’s death, and many other experiences-- and Scully has aided and abetted willingly all his schemes, teasing and flirting each step of the way. In ‘Home’, Mulder set himself up as a candidate for her Uberscullies, and leaned into her inquiry. There was fertile ground for a more nuanced discussion of their relationship after the Peacock horrors unfolded, with a more somber Mulder and vindicated Scully.

But then ‘The Field Where I Died’ happened. Scully’s unrivaled closeness to Mulder was shaken by his attachment and grief over the loss of his professed ‘soul mate.’ Equilibrium was restored by the time Mulder paid a visit to Russia, Scully was incarcerated for contempt of court, and John Lee Roche was sent to the afterlife where he belonged. But that doubt remained. Scully’s Ni Demon needs to be chosen ABOVE everyone else; if she is not, her loyalty morphs into bitterness and hatred, leading her to walk away and not return.

But the real problem is that Scully's Ni Demon prevents her from realizing what the issue IS-- muddling her desires, wants, and needs in a confusing snarl that messes with her head most of the episode.

Missed Signals

Scully gazes at the rose petal on the grave because it is a physical marker of the love someone has for the deceased, conquering even death. She takes it with her; simultaneously contemplating it and the nameplate on Mulder’s desk. The realization that there is no marker of her presence in Mulder’s life clinches what her Ni Demon believes is a sign that she is not valued or appreciated.

Mulder is being shuffled off to a mandatory vacation; but is pulled up short when Scully asks him why she doesn’t have a desk. He makes a flippant but sincere remark before redirecting her to a case to do in his absence. Scully debunks its importance, unspooling the informant’s story good-naturedly and trying to avoid her brewing emotions... until Mulder uses that ‘assignment’ word again. Scully balks at this, flinging out a remark not dissimilar to her “macho man” accusation in ‘Syzygy.’

Offended, Mulder steams that his files mean everything to him, stating: “You were just assigned here.”

Scully takes Mulder's words as further confirmation for her Ni Demon; because this is the seed of fear taking root in Scully-- that she was assigned and is appreciated only for her value to the work (it's not until Fight the Future that this is addressed; but those doubts surface again and again whenever her partner drags them back into unhealthy cycles.)

“And it’s become mine.”

Mulder screeches to a halt, his bravado and irritation disintegrating into a puff of smoke-- "You don't want it to be?"--

so suddenly and shakily that Scully tries to soften the blow, too late. Mulder’s face crumples, and he physically folds in on himself.

Scully tries to explain that she feels like she's lost herself while everyone else has moved on: “...while my own life is… standing still.” She gives a tight, false huff of laughter, an outward sign of the raging, internal panic.

Scully doesn’t know what’s wrong. Scully believes she knows it’s being trapped by “the endless line”; but if that were the case, she wouldn’t stick on it through all the losses and scant wins she continues to gain from it. The lesson she learns from ‘Never Again’ is that the never-ending line isn't the quest: it's her relationship with Mulder.

Mulder is a man driven by his Ti Hero, easily losing himself in the twisted puzzles that all point to the Truth. He is also a man that MUST feel safe by his comfortable routines-- his Si Child is soothed by revisiting safe reliabilities or keeping the current status quo going from the day he is born to the day he dies.

What shakes Mulder out of these toxic routines is the threat of losing someone’s love-- in this case, Scully's-- because his Fe Inferior tries to fill the hole in his heart by seeking out acceptance from others. In one simple sentence, Scully begins to rock the foundations he has built his life on; and he scrambles to find the problem and repair them as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, Mulder’s Se Trickster (inability to read people's actions correctly) misreads the source of Scully’s hurt, deducing incorrectly that maybe he’d gotten under her skin too much lately. By excusing himself from the room and her life as quickly as possible, he sends the message to Scully that her problems are not worthy for him to stick around and listen to, the final nail in her Ni Demon coffin.

She needs others to at LEAST listen to what she has to say: if they don't, she feels devalued to the lowest possible level.

On the Job

Nevertheless, Scully still fulfills her Si Hero’s responsibility and duty. As she is tying up loose ends on a bogus case and contemplating the card Ed Jerse gave her, Mulder finally gets in touch.

She is genuinely happy he tracked her down, showing her Ni Demon that not all hope is lost because he HAD wanted to contact her.

However, the interaction takes a downward spiral when Mulder refocuses his attentiveness (which is the Virtue pair to his Vice apathy) back to the work.

He further tramples on her Te Parent's effectiveness by arguing about her methods on the job. Scully takes his remarks the worst possible way, assuming that he is simply belittling her efforts rather than wanting to understand her reasons with his Ti Hero. When Mulder accuses her of skipping out for a date, Scully lets him stew in that jealousy and hangs up.

She slowly works herself up to having dinner with Ed, which leads her to the tattoo parlor.

Scully’s Si Hero is open to all new experiences-- she wants to try everything at least once. How Jerse pitched the tattoo to her was highly significant, as a marker for her to overcome her pent up emotions and become a new woman. The appeal, particularly, that she hadn’t tried it before was the icing on top of the cake.

A fun fact: ISTJ’s are two sides of a coin when it comes to pain: they are one of the most susceptible to pain out of all the Types; but they are also built to withstand and endure pain. Scully’s ecstatic face during her tattoo was (on the one hand) enjoyment; but it was also pride at enduring that painful sensation and exuberance of trying something outside of her Fi Child comfort zone with someone to back up her afraid Ni Demon.

Ed Jerse has, in one evening, become a replacement for Mulder’s position in her life; and she feels like she has hit the jack pot. She finds out the next day the only treasure she found was fool’s gold. Watching Ed's destruction-- the bitterness that drove his mind to crack-- is what reveals to Scully that, unlike Jerse, it wasn't resentment driving her: it was longing.

The Basement Redux

Mulder and Scully have a last scene in the basement, after both missed each other’s calls and Scully was nearly killed again.

She enters the office, depressed and emotive;

but covers it all up the moment Mulder arrives.

Mulder tries to charm a smile out of her-- “Welcome back. You look a lot better than you did in the hospital”--

but retreats to his files when Scully remains unresponsive.

His next response-- a good natured but sarcastic “And congratulations for making a personal appearance in the X-Files for the second time” is a cover for his own wounded emotions, buying him time as he rustles amongst his files like his life depends on it.

By the time Mulder turns around to deliver “It’s a world record”, he glances briefly as Scully, vulnerably anguished--

but turns away again when he sees she hasn’t dropped her mask.

Mulder is hurt. He knows there is a festering wound; but his Ti Hero is unable to figure out how to solve it, because it is unaware where the problem IS. So it begins jumping from protocol to protocol (complimenting Scully when he arrived, half-heartedly trying to impress her with her new X-Files record, and eventually switching to impersonal work mode with moderate success.) His endeavors are hampered by his Se Trickster, however: it broadcasts his pain and insecurity like a beacon, betraying how personal this whole issue is; and, in turn, raising Scully’s hackles. She believes her own personal needs have been dismissed, her own worries playing second fiddle to Mulder’s great quest without acknowledgement for all that she has done for him (as Mulder hilariously recounts in Bad Blood: “I do it all for you, Mulder! All for you!”)

He regains some footing while reading Jerse’s file,

allowing Scully to use the guise of work to reestablish herself as well. She marches to her chair,

mentally ruminating on the medical reports Mulder is reading while comparing it to her experience.

Mulder tries to keep the mood light and establish eye contact--

but she keeps her eyes fixed on a middle distance.

Scully’s mask starts to crack when she catches sight of the petal on Mulder’s desk;

and Mulder’s humor dies on his “better late than never, huh?” when he sees her reach for it.

Insecure of where they stand, his Si Child is pulling out all the stops to try to make this threat-- this discomfort-- disappear as fast as possible. Mulder's mood further sinks by his perceived rejection.

Scully continues to disengage;

and Mulder flees the uncomfortable moment as quickly as possible,

Si Child is SCREAMING for solace: stretching as he stands, rolling his head and neck,

hunching up his shoulders as he digs into his case files again for a quick distraction (or solution.)

Finally, he admits defeat: “All this because… because I didn’t get you a desk?”

His voice is vulnerable, puzzled, confused.

He has run out of all alternatives and is finally left with his greatest fear before him: Scully might not love and accept him-- because he knows that her loyalty to the cause is loyalty to him-- like he’d thought… or like she used to. Fe Inferior is terrified, wounded, and willing to do anything to get her to like him again.

Scully is genuinely shocked he asks, softening as she finally looks him in the eye.

“Not everything is about you, Mulder. This is my life.”

The great misunderstanding of Scully: she is NOT drawing a circle around herself, enforcing boundaries that Mulder can never cross, cutting him out and keeping him from ruining her perfect, private world. What she wants, what she needs, is for him to acknowledge that her Si Hero’s loyalty and steadfastness, and her Te Parent’s help and sacrifices, her Fi Child’s moral guidance and strength, and her Ne Inferior’s drive to save the world by conquering the fear of the unknown is not all he values her for. That she is not simply a useful cog in his mission. That “that unspoken” is felt by him, too.

She gets her wish; but has no comfort from it.

“Yes, but it’s…”

We know from the scripts (linked here, thanks @dunhamhairograpy) that Mulder’s statement was: “Yes, but it’s become mine.” What I find more fascinating, however, is WHY he didn’t finish what he’d started:

Mulder’s unspoken “...but it’s become mine” dies on his lips as Scully’s meaning dawns on him.

She cocks her head, queuing him to continue, wanting him to continue.

And Mulder realizes two things:

Firstly, that Scully wants them to stop circling the drain of their relationship, that she wants something more, that what they have isn’t enough. He tries to say it once more-- tilting his head forward and (presumably) sucking air in--

And freezes because:

Secondly, Mulder realizes that he can’t take that next step.

Mulder’s Ni Critic restrains him with the fear of making the wrong choices, showing him the constant mistakes and mess-ups of the lives of those around him. It shackles him to DUTY, to what he SHOULD do, rather than what he WANTS to do.

Samantha, the quest, the Truth-- he has tossed it away time and again for Scully (by avenging her death, by sacrificing the clone of his sister for her life, by tossing aside informants and the Truth when she needed him.) He has shown time and again that he is willing to walk away from it all if it will save Scully. What he cannot lose is her.

But Scully wants more.

And that terrifies him.

Instead of facing that fear, Mulder allows his Si Child to lull him into complaisance with the current, comfortable routine he and Scully have fallen into; and his Ni Critic scares him once or twice to keep him in check.

The only way to stop this cycle is for Scully to criticize his behavior through his Fe Inferior-- “your behavior is hurting me” or “I am ashamed of you.” But she won’t, because she believes he KNOWS what the problem is: she’s told him time and again, hasn’t she? She’s demonstrated her love and loyalty with her actions, yes; but Mulder’s Se Trickster cannot interpret her actions. He must be TOLD in plain terms, or he will never realize there is, or was, a problem.

Scully waits, still hoping he’ll finish his confession.

When he doesn’t, her gaze falls once again, her hopes crushed. Realizing that, for all Scully had “gained”, she is still on that endless line, looping around and around in perpetuity.

To sum this disaster up:

Scully's Ni Demon doesn't know what she wants. Introverted Intuition is all about planning her one's own future; but hers in placed in her last slot, making it a corrupting force instead of a leading one. Because of this, she spends the episode confused and frightened: what is it she's feeling? What should she be doing? She tries to utilize all facets of her Si Hero-- Sensing Introverted, the source of internal physical sensation and experiences as well as and long-term duty and loyalty-- to work it out of her system; but is led astray by the dazzle of a pipe dream solution. In the end, Mulder has confirmed he values her; but cannot meet her needs the way she wants.

Mulder's Ti Hero, Se Trickster, and Fe Inferior are threatened by her sudden withdrawal. Thinking Introverted is about internal logic; the "if this then that" puzzle solver that pulls information about and resorts it into a new and logical whole. However, it needs to be told CLEAR and PRECISELY what the problem is. His ability to correctly read the source of Scully's distress is handicapped by his Extroverted Sensing Trickster, which is all about performance for and of others: he CANNOT read the actions of others correctly, but assumes he is. And because he misreads her signals, his Extroverted Feeling Inferior-- which deals with external sources of love and community-- is afraid of being rejected or unloved if he cannot give Scully what she needs... which his Ni Critic-- Introverted Intuition hampered by ruthless worry-- prevents him from doing so.

Is 'Leonard Betts' or 'Memento Mori' Next?

Setting aside Morgan, Wong, and Gillian's insistence that 'Never Again' took place before Leonard Betts and unattached to the cancer arc, let's analyze Scully's actions to deduce a timeline.

It is appealing to place 'Never Again' after 'Leonard Betts' because of Scully's contemplative, dour mood after taking the flower from the gravestone. However: if 'Never Again' were simply a joy ride to express that she'd thrown caution to the wind to LIVE, then it would prove she'd already given up. Then the message 'Memento Mori' would have been useless; because that is when she grapples with her mortality and hopelessness and rises above it; but not before denying there's a problem and refusing to admit she's dying FIRST. Scully cannot both deny she is dying from cancer in the following episode and give up by behaving recklessly in the previous episode. (Not to mention her real, fearful concern over the ergot poisoning she and Ed could be suffering from.)

Finally, if this episode were about Scully's cancer and not her own fears and priorities, then she wouldn't have needed to be coaxed by Ed each step of the way-- her motel, his apartment, the crummy bar, the tattoo parlor, and back to his apartment. She would have simply given up and jumped on each new opportunity handed her way.

But does it make sense to place it before 'Leonard Betts'?

Yes-- it's the perfect case to pull Scully from her doldrums. Most of the episode is brimming with medical jargon and theories; and Mulder relies heavily on her expertise to jump from one conclusion to the next while teasing her lightheartedly and listening, proving her value. Not only that, but he's just as flummoxed as herself throughout most of the episode, which gives her ample time to show off here and there. The ending is even more tragic-- her unresolved fears pop up again but in an entirely new way: letting Mulder down right after they'd reestablished their sympatico partnership.

Thanks for reading!

If you want to read a thorough analysis of Mulder's and Scully's Type, I put them in bold, clickable links.

Enjoy!

Disclaimers: This is a self-assessed analysis. This information is not based on the abominable MBTI system (which has been butchered from its original Jungian typology since ~WWII); instead, it’s a combination between the works of Jung’s type psychology, Dr. Linda Berens’ Communication styles, Dr. Dario Nardi’s EEG brain scan compiled research, and others’ data and practices as compiled and simplified by CSJoseph. This system is based only on the Nature side of Nature/Nurture; and each “type” is not a “box” to fit everyone into– simply a tool to help understand the basics of the human mind that science has only begun to fathom in its limited scope.

#txf #X-Files Typing #Never Again and Fear #analysis #MBTI #but not #S4 #Never Again #x-files #mine #the x files #xf meta

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my-shields-are-down · 1 year

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Shirt

REMEMBER: One word prompts trigger a Chenford fanfiction one shot.

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Tim had always known Lucy was a bit of a dork.

And now, after spending every waking hour outside of work with her, he realizes her being a raging dork is by far one of his favorite things about her.

She’s passionate about anything small- animals, humans, itty bitty stickers, and office supplies, flowers, bugs, birds, shoes (you’ve seen the booties, right?), shells, woodland creatures and aliens. She’ll gather them up, ooh and ahh at the smallness and then appreciate, buy and share the small thing with you so you can share her joy.

She’s the kind of friend who shows up at the airport or at your game or race with your best friends and has given them all signs she made by hand, with hats, kazoos and noisemakers so they can march around you when you come down the gangway or step on the playing field enveloping you in a cacophony of love and laughter. Making you the envy of everyone who isn’t greeted by that parade of love - jealous that their friends and families didn’t do the same for them.

She knows a ridiculous amount about a ridiculous number of things. If anyone she cares about cares about something, she becomes a walking encyclopedia of “fun facts” she’ll toss out in support of your current burning passion. From dinosaurs to Indonesian cane furniture manufacturing practices to deciding between tile or hardwood floors to why Tom Brady is or is not the greatest quarterback of all time (he’s not) - Lucy knows enough to fully engage in a lively discussions.

She has a love/hate relationship with surprises - she loves receiving them, but not if they are delayed. She’ll bug the person surprising her relentlessly with endless questions, and flirty eyes, and roaming hands all to find out what the surprise is. (trust me, I know)

She loves her *people* - her found family of strays, rejects, people with broken or missing pieces - fiercely from a bottomless well of love and affection, to make sure no one ever feels unappreciated or unsupported or unloved like she has in the past. People know when they have been loved by Lucy - which is why she is such a phenomenal gift giver. She loves and treasures her friends and family knowing the best gift given the time and place.

All of these thoughts run through Tim’s head as he picks up the two figurines on his desk - obviously placed there by her and Aaron while he was in his most recent action meeting. One of Aaron and one of Lucy - action figures he believes them to be. They can be connected or stand individually. Together the banner at the bottom of their stands says, “Fists of Justice” and Lucy’s alone says “Justice” - the perfect moniker for her.

He holds the mini replica of her, gently fingering the details on her and Aaron’s patrol uniforms - even the badge on her shirt is correct in its placement and size. The “Heroes-R-Us'' stamp molded into the plastic tells him where they were made.

A perfect "office warming" gift to their former sergeant from his past aides.

He reconnects them and places them back on his desk in the light of the lamp. He loves these action figures. Correction: He loves her.

#ask andrea #chenford #tim bradford #lucy chen #aaron thorsen #one word prompts #shirt #andreawrites

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kindredhearts13 · 2 years

Text

An Extremely In Depth Dissection of the Cleaning Lady, Episodes 6-8

Okay, I am sure I am going to inadvertently piss someone off by saying this, but it needs to be said: in a general sense, we’ve began to confuse romance with lust and sex. And while those things are not inherently exclusive and removed from each other, they all can and do also exist without each other. Television in the past few years, particularly shows surrounding younger characters tend to use sex as a cure all. A lot of times, it is contrived plot armor that, ironically, doesn’t actually add anything to the actual plot or story. It’s just used for sensationalism, whether it makes sense or not. Perhaps I’m in the minority of people that want earned interactions between two characters, or that want the ownership of a character’s sexuality to feel authentic to the character. there are many criticisms I’ve had and will continue to have about the show, but I will also be the one loudly applauding the writers and showrunners for letting the characters be authentic and human, and not simply doing what would be sensational or exciting with no genuine reasoning behind it. (i’ll discuss more of this below the cut.)

Let me be the first to say, I hope that the show never makes a major character decision purely for fan service. Because THAT is what kills a show. Let me use of one the most famous examples: Game of Thrones. Yes, that show was sensational in every bit of meaning- but the sensationalism was never the point of the show. The political drama and danger that it created was always the focus and always meant to be at the forefront. To the point that it dictated whether characters that we loved lived or not. It was when the showrunners lost sight of this and ran out of source material that the show shifted and became something unrecognizable. They gave into fan service with bigger battles, more sex, random out of character jokes that didn’t fit the person saying them and it tarnished what was once considered one of the greatest pieces of television we’ve had.

Whether or not we like it, whether or not we agree with every choice regarding two characters and their relationship, the show is not about the romance between Thony and Arman, That is a MAJOR part of it, but the actual show is about a woman trying desperately to save her family and the impact that has on everyone that comes into contact with her. Yes, it is technically an ensemble show- but there is ONE main lead- The Cleaning Lady- Thony. And the reason this show is so good and we care so much is in large part because the writers and showrunners understand what their show is about- as do the actors. Yes, there could be improvements and I’m sure they will come. But I do think we have to be realistic about what we’re going to see and support what we do have and do like so that we don’t end up losing it. Now that I’ve said my piece on that, let’s dive in.

This is going to be different than my typical dissections of the episodes. I feel that these last three episodes have all gone hand and hand in three parts of a whole. So, I’m going to be looking at all three and breaking down moments and thoughts that particularly stood out to me.

First, I want to discuss the pacing. As many of you know, I write fanfiction on the show. In fact, this show brought me out of a years long hiatus of writing any fanfiction at all. At the time, I was inspired to write because of the myriad missing moments I felt we had in the show- specifically between Thony and Arman. Now, while I do still find that I crave certain moments or scenes to give more context- I haven’t felt a pulled to write because I’ve found myself very pleased with how the story and its pacing has unfolded this season. I was, obviously, always a fan of the show- but this season, they’ve really found their stride and seemed to have really honed onto those quieter, more delicate moments that make the characters feel more real and personal. It’s something that I greatly appreciate and wanted to make mention of it before I speak on anything else. If the show is able to maintain this pace, I genuinely believe season 3 could be their strongest and potentially garner them more support from a larger fan base.

GARRETT

To my pleasant surprise, Agent Garrett Miller has FINALLY arrived. It took a season and a half, but I can finally say that he’s a character I am becoming invested in and wouldn’t be opposed to seeing more of. Episode 8 was definitely his strongest episode, but I think that this last episode set him up for some really interesting development for the rest of the season.

I’ve said it before, but I genuinely think the biggest issue with Garrett’s character was never that he was a flawed FBI agent; rather, it was that he was so inherently rooted in his privilege on a show about people trying to make a way without privilege and protections. While it made total sense for him to not fully understand his privilege and agree with Thony’s point of view, it was a failing of his actual character’s design that he had a constant safety blanket last season, which led him to having no real consequences and coming off as extremely un-relatable. Last season, almost every personal (and professional) issue he encountered was handled within the matter of that episode. His ex wife that he cheated on didn’t want him around his son? He showed up at her house, made her laugh, and things were fine. He was supposed to be on a tight leash after his inappropriate behavior with a CI, but still did things without his superior or partner? He found some good intel, so they were able to overlook it. He gets someone deported and nearly gets Fiona deported, as well? He’s back on that “short leash,” but isn’t removed from any casework. Even him attempted smuggling of Thony across the border, his most selfless act last season, ended up impacting her more than him and he still suffered no true consequences. Not even with his boss and friend, who would’ve had every right to sever any personal relationship with him after that. There was nothing that actually made his character develop because he didn’t have to develop past the very clear safety net laid out for him. Then, this season, we met Maya- and it all changed.

I was nervous about the introduction of Maya at first; thinking that we were just going to watch him win without actually deserving the win. Again. But to my shock, that didn’t happen. While it was sad Maya’s part in the story was reduced to something so small and we didn’t get to emotionally connect with her as much, outside of the lens of Garrett’s former lover, she did end up serving a greater purpose and meaning to the show. And not just for Garrett, but also for Arman. I wouldn’t say that Maya humanized Garrett, because he already was a believable human- just not a likable one; but it did ground him. Her presence rooted his character back into a sense of reality and served as an ongoing reminder of a constant consequence for his actions. She ended up in the messy situation she was in because of choices that he was a part of; and for once, this consequence isn’t just going away. Garrett is actually being forced to think and act differently, to take accountability, and face some hard truths about himself. I don’t know if it will last, but I certainly hope that it does.

I enjoy the burgeoning friendship he has with Thony, and I think it would be increasingly interesting to see the push and pull of how he interacts with Arman in later seasons. I also really appreciated the way he was with Chris and Fiona. I don’t know that I would necessarily envision something romantic, but I would be incredibly curious to see a type of confidant relationship happen between Garrett and Fiona. It would be unexpected, but it would also have to be earned which would mean major growth for both of their characters to come to this place of mutual respect and understanding. I’m intrigued by the thought.

I also appreciate the fact that he didn’t cross the line with Maya again, at least not physically. I worried that they would take the seedlings of growth we had and destroy it by having them be incredibly intimate with one another; but in reality, while you could feel the tension (and at times desire between them) we watched Garrett exhibit something that he isn’t known for: restraint. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with this version of him and I hope that we get to see more of this side of his character- because this is the side that’s going to make him feel more imperative to the show and the other characters.

CHRIS

I am so glad that they have carved out more of this show and story for Chris, and I hope they continue to do so. I can truly see his character having such growth and a beautiful arc as we continue to watch him heal and struggle with that healing. I hope that they don’t just act like the whole Marco thing never happened, but I also want them to show us what it looks like when Chris feels like he’s regaining control of his life or actively choosing to live it. He’s so young, but so wise and he already exists as a type of anchor for the family. Fi choosing to not keep him as in the dark is something I wasn’t entirely expecting, but that I’m thrilled about- because it opens up a realm of possibilities. For example, with JD’s words last episode, one could wander if the next season of the show would explore these influences in Chris’s life. A JD/Garrett like presence vs an Arman. And while we know that Arman is a gentle giant, most don’t. And I can absolutely see Chris feeling powerful in the way Arman did by getting involved in this world. It would also serve as an interesting conflict for Thony and Fiona.

Something that really struck me with Chris is just how much he genuinely loves Thony. They don’t have enough scenes together that are just the two of him, but she is clearly like a second mother to him. I would love to see more of their individual relationship more built up as the show progresses. Not only was Thony willing to take the fall for him, but Chris was going to take the fall for her. And from the beginning, he was able to see what Fiona could (or would) not- that Marco was hurting Thony. Again, I feel that with Chris getting older and being so perceptive of everything happening around him, that we are being led to more of his inclusion into Thony’s world.

JD AND FIONA

I don’t have too much to say here, save for the fact that I enjoyed the awkwardness and juxtaposition of their scenes for Thony and Arman’s. While the latter’s were tender and intimate, the former were cozy and innocent. Incredibly sweet and safe, and felt warm compared to the coldness of what Thony and Arman were facing. It made me happy to see the fun loving Fi from older days make an appearance and to watch her feel so at home in this new space. I don’t get the heat from her and JD that I do with Thony and Arman, but I do get the comfortable warmth that makes me curious to see more. (I still am toying with the whole Fi and Garrett getting closer idea.) Fiona deserves happiness and joy, and it was just nice to see some of that “normalcy” in the midst of so much turmoil.

Now, here’s my beef with JD. He is NOT wrong. Jas does need to be kept safe and protected, they all do. And yes, Thony’s decisions (particularly concerning Arman) have cost her some of that safety they had last season. However, JD is extremely hypocritical in acting as if Thony, alone, has made some grave error in protecting her family. He’s concerned about Thony, who is actively working with the FBI; but wasn’t he complicit in keeping a secret from the FBI- himself? I just feel like he’s doing a lot of finger pointing for a man that just rolled back into town. And the suggestion that Fiona leave Thony, when it isn’t like she’s been the one truly bringing danger to their doorstep until now, makes me really disappointed in him. He had no concern for Thony, and I get it- again, he’s a Dad first. But if they are all a family, them that includes Thony. And he needs to think of her, too.

KAMDAR

I just want to say: THANK YOU WRITERS FOR LETTING NAVEEN ANDREWS DO WHAT THE FUCK HE DOES! I’ve said it from day one and I will say it again, let Naveen act and that man is going to act the house down. Robert is so terrifying and insidious and loves playing mind games, and I cannot wait to see him even more in action and wordplay next episode. He is becoming such a delicious villain.

THE THONY AND ARMAN OF IT ALL

I think right now, we probably have the most interesting opportunity to watch the development of the relationship between these two. Something that I really appreciate about them is that they feel grown. They feel mature and adult, because they are. And they make decisions that are more calculated and thought out, like an adult closer to their 40s and less like one closer to their 20s. It’s something incredibly refreshing to see on television, and something that made shows like Breaking Bad (which I’ve often said has heavily inspired the style of this show) so intriguing. Part of the reason that I’m so excited about this pacing is due to the fact that we no longer have to do as much guessing with these characters and how they feel. It’s not so much that they’re saying exactly how they feel more than before- I mean, Thony and Arman are slow walking that communication bit- but rather, we’re getting to actually see it. We’re actively getting to watch the conflict they feel about their very feelings, and I love getting to see things like that- both as an actress who studies, does, and teaches this for a living but also as a viewer who gets to watch these people reveal themselves to us. Character work is my favorite thing, and I feel so much more connected to these two, in particular, this season than I did the last.

While I’m sure to some it would’ve made sense for Thony and Arman to fall into bed by now and to say I love you, to me it makes perfect sense why they haven’t. Given the fact that the very nature of the show asks us to question what we view as strictly right or wrong, I highly doubt that the writers are afraid of Thony and Arman being perceived as cheaters. They wouldn’t have the show that they did with the subject matter that they do if they didn’t expect the audience to be more emotionally intelligent than that. We learned the very first episode that Thony feeling like things were out of her control sent her on a spiral of trying to make everything as perfect as possible to make up for it; so, why in there would she then do something that she would view as reckless when she’s trying so desperately to push out the recklessness of her life?

That’s literally the point of her and Arman. He is something that is associated with this recklessness and lack of control that she has over her life, yet his very existence contradicts this stereotype he should represent because all he’s done is try to help her regain control of her life and feel free. He’s tried to be her anchor and she ended up becoming his.

What’s kind of magical about where they are right now is that Thony has allowed herself to view her relationship with Arman as something solid and not reckless, something that took the entirety of last season for her to do. She kept pulling back and walking away from him because she knew what not doing so would mean- and it would go against what she feels that she should be. Her own moral compass. Their interactions in Mexico opened the door for her to start considering what it might mean if she did accept what she was feeling and did allow herself to find comfort and solace in someone that accepted her exactly as she was; even so, she was still hesitant and pulling away. Her focus was then and still is Luca and her family; and though she’s starting to blend the line between Arman and her family as one unit (when she was having a panic attack in his car, she said to him: “Let’s go home.” then corrected it to, “I need to get home.”), she still is Thony. The perfectionist, the surgeon, the woman who has put everything she’s ever wanted and needed on the shelf for someone else. So, when we do finally see these two being so completely intimate, and sexual, and romantic all at once- it will be because she feels safe in that choice. Thony has no reason to feel safe in that right now.

Arman is still married, even if his marriage is truly over. And he may love Thony but he isn’t ready to admit that to himself let alone to her. Admitting that would mean admitting that this life he’s trying so hard to win back from Kamdar, this world he’s given up his family for, isn’t actually making him happy. He’d have to confront Nadia’s insinuation that he’d never be fulfilled being the “hero” that Thony sees him as, and ask himself if that’s true. And if Arman is too afraid to tell Nadia that things aren’t right in their marriage, that he isn’t happy- why should be expect him to suddenly be more emboldened with the person that has literally captured his soul? Thony has come from a place of abuse in her previous relationship. A place where she was never enough, and never had the support she needed. while Arman has been there for her and showed her what that support has looked like, he also hasn’t shown her that she is enough. He iced her out when he went to prison and first came out; and now- even though he’s killed for her, he’s still making Nadia a priority.

The other side of their relationship; however, is this level of understanding that’s passed between them. They don’t do a great job at saying exactly what it is they feel, but they have this way of silently understanding one another and that prompts more open communication between them and allows them to better understand the other’s needs. Outside of just noticing things about one another, like when the other needs comfort; they have this understanding that they aren’t just friends and that there is something deeper there. Or different, as Arman put it. Their worlds can no longer exist without each other, but they also are too afraid to intertwine their worlds the way that we all want them to.

What I found most interesting about the scene where Arman returned the key card to Thony was that you could literally see the moment Thony shamed herself for allowing herself to feel. You could see her mentally calling herself reckless and stupid, and Arman trying to explain and fix things before she shut him down. Because she couldn’t face it, and she couldn’t fix it. And it broke my heart because we watched her be alone all over again and all I wanted to do was hug her and say “you are enough.” She took a very clear emotional step back in that moment, which was evident in how she delivered the news about Nadia to him in their final scene together. And I am so curious to see how they’re going to bridge that gap. Because in such a short time, she went from allowing herself to believe that she maybe would actually be able to find something real and genuine with a person that would love and support and accept her no matter the cost, to being hit with her reality- which is that Arman isn’t technically hers. And that line between their two families does, in fact, exist. That moment when the camera cuts to her after he yells at Garrett and uses the words “my wife,” was that first crack in that image Thony was building in her mind. And the keycard just shattered that little bubble even further. And it is delicious, regency era inspired drama that I am so excited to see unfold.

This post is already ridiculously long (seriously, if you’re still reading- hats off to you), but let me close with saying this: When Thony and Arman do finally have their moment of pure passion and love and desire and romance, I am so excited for it because it will actually have been earned. This show is very much told through the lens of the female gaze, and because of that, I want Thony’s embracing of her sexuality to be authentic to a grown ass woman that is steadfast in what she wants. I want it to be empowering for her, I want her to feel safe and not regretful. I want her to associate it with her having control and power over her own body and desires, and not replaced with a few lightly satisfying shots that will be purely fan service. Thony deserves so much more. Her relationship with Arman deserves more. And I cannot wait to watch them reach that more.

#the cleaning lady #armony #thony x arman #thony de la rosa #arman morales #nadia morales #garrett miller #robert kamdar #fiona de la rosa #tcl meta #tcl dissection #the cleaning lady deep dive

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