#i don't want to be that type of person cause its disgusting and awful to fake something like this

[ceasarslegion]

On the note of that last reblogs tags i think we need to stop this trend of taking one part of somebodys story as a representation of the whole story. I think, instead of seeing someones problematic art and saying "oh they must have been a raging racist and a terrible person all the way down" we should take a moment to step back and ask "what happened after?" and even "why did he believe these things? What was the sociopolitical environment he was in? And how did that change when he was confronted with reality?"

Like, lets use dr suess as an example. He was a liberal democrat who opposed war and fascism during a time when anti-war wasnt a popular position at all and antifascism was only popular because it was the ideology of america's war enemy. And he supported japanese internment and drew some pretty racist cartoons. I completely understand why the second thing is bad, don't take me for an idiot or a defender of such actions, and im not saying you have to forgive that wholeheartedly and koombaya with him in whatever the afterlife is if you believe in that stuff, but I am saying that it's disingenuous to act like that was where his story ended regarding his racial views.

If you ask yourself why an anti-war, antifascist liberal democrat would be racist, you get a few answers: maybe he was an asshole, or maybe something about his sociopolitical environment was causing him to believe that racism was compatible with his political views. Either way doesnt change the outcome of said racism, but the latter posibility can be reached and changed if it's handled right, which is worth pursuing.

If you dig a little deeper into the why of his particular case, you'll find this quote: "But right now, when the Japs are planting their hatchets in our skulls, it seems like a hell of a time for us to smile and warble: "Brothers!" It is a rather flabby battle cry. If we want to win, we've got to kill Japs, whether it depresses John Haynes Holmes or not. We can get palsy-walsy afterward with those that are left."

Awful thing to say about an entire race of people. Makes you a bit sick to your stomach, doesn't it? But if you step back from your initial emotional response and peel back the layers here, you'll find that underneath the racism and prejudice, of which im not denying there is, he's basically saying "I think there is a direct enemy of freedom and liberty that needs to be squashed in order to protect others." Whether or not he was right or wrong doesn't change that that was what he thought and believed, which is a pretty liberal democrat position (even before the party switch) misdirected to an entire group of people whom their place in the war was not the fault of their race.

Dr suess was the type of racist who can be reached. It actually doesn't take a lot to do the reaching itself, the main work comes from whether or not the person is willing to accept that they were wrong and put in the effort to change their ways. Which, if you just end at that terribly disgusting thing he said about Japanese people, you don't see how he actually felt and acted at the end.

Do more digging and you'll find that when the war ended, he was confronted with the realities of japanese internment and how he once cried support for such a terrible practice. These people arent nazis by birth, they're just people being generalized with the actions of their government. Many were born and raised multi generation american citizens being treated like war criminals in their own home when they had nothing to do with the nazis overseas. (Sound a bit familiar regarding the social treatment of individual russians these days? That's a post for another day though)

Dr suess wasnt stupid, its also disingenuous to act like prejudice is a failure of intellect. He was a real smart guy, and after being yanked out of his bubble he completely overhauled his views and disavowed his previous statements and racism. And you also have to remember that he wasnt a politician, he was a childrens book author who did the occasional political cartoon. His power over these systems one way or another was always pretty minimal, but he did do what he could in his position: he wrote another book basically saying "I was wrong, and I'm deeply sorry. I see why I was wrong now" which was Horton Hears A Who. The one with the famous "A person's a person, no matter how small" line that was about remembering the humanity of those you're too disconnected or different from to see right away.

If you think thats too little too late, that's your opinion and you're entitled to it, but at least hold that opinion after knowing the whole story. And maybe don't end the judgement of people, especially historical figures, conveniently where the most rage bait can come from. Like I said, I'm not saying you have to love him and forgive everything he ever did just because he realized he was wrong and changed his ways, but I am saying that if you're going to judge somebody, you do in fact have to judge their whole character and not just the cherry pick the parts that make for the most outrage. Framing someone like dr suess as a full stop racist just isnt accurate unless you're talking about a very specific timeframe in his life. It's more complicated than that, regardless of how you feel about the racism itself, which isn't my place to tell you how to feel about.

#some thoughts

[lord-radish]

I remember the first big biphobic post I saw on Tumblr when that was going around. It was this long screed about bis and their straight-passing privilege and how they hurt the gay community through half-measures and their potential to cause emotional distress through their sexuality - specifically, there was a story about how OP was in a same-sex relationship with a bisexual person and that person left them for the opposite sex, which was emotionally devastating for them.

And the thing is, I can empathize with how shitty that would feel. I can understand why they would be so upset and have a personal aversion to dating bisexual people.

But that turned into "bisexual people have straight-passing privilege and will abandon gay people to save their own skin, and by the virtue of being attracted to both men and women, they can and will Weaponize Their Sexuality against gay people to harm us". It went from "this was emotionally devastating for me" to "bisexual people have the power to harm all gay people as I have been harmed, therefore due to that and being able to pass as Not Gay, they shouldn't be a part of our community and we should consider them to be straight and have the same capacity for malice and bigotry as a television evangelist".

It still fucks me up because again, I can empathize with a bad experience. I'm sorry that happened to them. But the idea that a bi person will leave you for the opposite sex, specifically to hurt you and/or the wider gay community? The idea that every bi person is inherently bad and harmful to gay people for that possibility? Man fuck off with that shit.

Personally? I'm permanently closeted. That's how I choose to live my life, for better and for worse. Is that straight-passing privilege? Sure. I'm also permanently unknowable to everyone I spend time with which takes its own toll. Being closeted is a shared experience regardless of sexuality, and it has its own difficulties and setbacks.

Other bi people want and need to be out about their sexuality, and they want to be taken seriously. And they often aren't, because the same heteronormative tinge of disgust and bigotry that affects gay people is applied just as liberally to bisexual people by homophobes. The same people who are disgusted by homosexual behaviour and attraction are disgusted by bisexual behaviour and attraction, because It's All Gay To Them. Being bi doesn't make us half-straight and therefore more willing to uphold heteronormativity, it makes us half-gay (or all-gay) to homophobes and equally as likely to face homophobic violence.

Bi people are just as likely to be pieces of shit as your average straight person, your average gay person, your average trans person - in that whether someone is an asshole is a solid 50/50 chance regardless of sexuality. There is no "being a worse person" by virtue of one's gender expression or sexuality. No-one is more or less shitty for who they present as or who they're attracted to. It's down to the individual, foundational person.

If you have a personal distaste for bisexual partners due to your own personal experiences, that's your business. But it's not inherent to being bisexual, and drawing a line in the sand about it as if there is something inherently shitty about being bisexual is short-sighted and - in of itself - shitty.

That's a theme I want to hit on this pride month. You might have a particular distaste dating-wise for a particular type of person. That's your business. But turning your personal dating distaste into a broader intra-community witch hunt is fucking awful. I'm sick to death of people being dickheads about the Inherent Harm of sexualities and genders they don't agree with and making it everyone else's problem, trying to splinter the broader queer community because there's a handful of experiences or hypothetical scenarios that define entire groups of people.

Heteronormativity - and cisnormativity, for that matter - affects everyone who's deviant to the ideals of that system. Bisexual people are deviant to the values of heteronormativity. Bi people are in league with gay people, and making it out like we're agents of the Heteronormative Agenda sent in to hurt gay people's feelings is fucking wack.

#biphobia #long post

[lovemesomesurveys]

How are you doing today? It's only 5:20AM, but so far my nagging cough Is acting up which isn't fun.

What day of the week is it? It's Sunday.

What's something you used to believe in that you don't anymore? So much has changed within just the past 6 years, things I never saw coming or was prepared for and not in a good way. So many setbacks. There was a time I thought I'd actually do something with my life, but now… it's hard to see past all this.

What do you admire most in a person? Motivated, ambitious, driven type people.

What's your favorite dinosaur? I don't have one.

Do you believe in reincarnation? If so, what would you like to be reincarnated as? No.

What are 3 scents that you like? The ocean/beachy air, coffee, garlic.

Do you ever use the grounding technique 54321? I've tried it a few times before.

What's the silliest thing you've gotten injured from? I know there's several incidents, but of course I can't think of any at the moment.

What's the weirdest food combination you enjoy? The first one I always think of is eggs and ranch. shrug

Where would you relocate if you were forced to leave your place of residence? Uhh. I have no idea.

Do you play any instruments? No.

What is an unpopular opinion you have? Sushi is disgusting.

Have you ever done a crazy dare? Nope.

What's your favorite type of cheese or cheese substitute? I loveee cheese. Various types.

What are things you still enjoy from your childhood? Some of the same music, shows, movies, foods… I really, really miss that time of my life.

What smells better.. fresh baked bread or fresh brewed coffee? Aw, both are lovely but I gotta stick with my pal coffee.

What's the oddest text you've received recently? I actually received some sexual spam texts a few weeks ago like wtf?

What's something you believe everyone should have? Of course ideally it'd be our necessities

What's the first thing you do once you get home from a trip? I'm the person who unpacks as soon as I get home.

What has been the worst kitchen mishap you've made? Starting a small oven fire.

Do you know how your parents met? Yeah, they were coworkers at the time.

Do you believe love is blind? It can be.

If you could get away with it, what crime would you commit? I don't want to commit any crimes.

If you owned a restaurant, what would you serve? Nah.

Have you ever met a president? Nope.

What food tastes better than its appearance to you? Probably how mashed potatoes end up looking up on my plate cause I put so much gravy, so it ends up just looking like a glob of brown stuff lol.

Do you actively post on social media? Tumblr is the one I actively and consistently post on, both my personal and this one.

What was your favorite childhood book? I loved Nancy Drew, Goosebumps, The Babysitter's Club, Sweet Valley High, Judy Blume books, Beverly Clearly books…. how young are we talking? If younger, then books like Little Critter, Arthur, Barenstein Bears…

Do you ever experience intrusive thoughts? I think everyone does.

What do you consider to be the smartest animal? Apparently, Octopus are.

What movies make you laugh the most? Hmm. I don't know.

What's a product you use everyday that you wish you could get a lifetime supply of? Currently, there's several medical products I have to use and unfortunately my mom has to pay out of pocket for a lot of them and I feel bad because shit is expensive and quickly adds up.

What's the best name you've heard a pet named? shrug

What always makes your day better? It's been rough, ya'll…

Would you rather have multiple hobbies or 1 true passion? I like having different things to choose from to do for hobbies, but having a passion is entirely different to me. I haven't felt passionate about anything in a long time. :/

Coffee or tea? Coffee. It still trips me out that I don't drink it everyday like I used to for so long.

Do you listen to podcasts? Which ones? No.

Would you say you're good at saving money? I can be, but man I'm such a sucker for Boxlunch and Hot Topic sales. They consistently have really good sales, plus they have their Lunch money/Hot Cash.

Have you ever ridden in the front of a roller coaster? Yeah. The only roller coasters I do is the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad and the Cars roller coasters at Disneyland.

Would you rather have free massages for a year or facials? Meh.

When was the last time you've had an adrenaline rush? I don't even remember.

Have you ever used a whole chapstick? Honestly… I don't think so.

Has anyone ever given you a gag gift? Yeah.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

[starsistertarot]

What type of girl imayoshi will falling in love?

I made this gender neutral, because its just ... About his type 🤷‍♀️

---

I think Imayoshi are into people who can mentally stimulate him. Someone who can take a joke and not get upset by his teasing. (Because his love language is that of a 7 year old, if he loves you, he mocks you).

He'd find simple-minded people to be extremely boring and predictable. He likes them complex with layers 🤌.

Someone who keeps him on his toes at all times. Someone he could predict yet he still has 3 outcomes in his head.

I feel like he'd be into reactive people. He'd find your face of disgust to be funny. And it melts his heart when you try not to smile but you're so bad at hiding it.

Someone who he can have intellectual conversations with, without it getting heated and sour. He won't take offense to your opinions, and he expects the same from you.

Someone who is capable of thinking for themselves rather than rely on him for everything. I feel like he values independent people, since he also independent. (It doesn't mean you can't ask him for help, just... not all the time).

Someone who is cool minded and doesn't lose their temper that often, OR someone who is capable of sweeping things under the rug rather than causing drama, (Because he wants to cause it >:( ... just kidding but also I'm not).

It doesn't mean you're not allowed to get angry, but if anger is your go-to-response to most things ... I'm sorry but: Instant turn off.

Someone who is generally very calm, but he could rile them up if he wants to. Because as mentioned earlier, he feeds off reactions like a fuckings vampire-

I feel he's into the "cute s/o" who has a lot of bite to them, OR someone cold, calculative and unresponsive (since he likes the challenge).

Someone who is witty, and could banter with him rather than soaking up his insults. He finds it amusing if you can keep up with him, as not many people have the courage to do so? (Maybe? I feel like most people would find him terrifying---)

Example: "Aw are you blushing because of me?", "Ew no, don't flatter yourself 🙄✋".

Someone who has a lot of patience because good lord they would need it. And they also need a great sense of humour because dating him would require it 😃✋

Summary: A calm, intelligent and independent person who could keep him on his toes. Someone who isn't afraid to speak their mind, someone who isn't afraid to "challenge" him.

#god what an asshole #i say that every time #yet still #id sell my soul for him #actually i dont have a soul #i sold it to a gacha game #because im dumb #but im not stupid #but i am definitely an idiot #kuroko no basket #kurokos basketball #knb #knb headcanons #knb imagines #imayoshi shouichi #imayoshi shoichi #knb imayoshi

[redxblueihateloveyou]

i'm curious, what are your top 10 favorite rinharu moments in high speed and high speed 2?? i love the books. i don't understand why people say is impossible to ship rinharu if you read them...

Lmao who are those “people”? As in multiple? And are they from Mars? I do not get this. You cannot be serious. You probably meant “impossible not to ship”?

I don’t know about top ten, I love all of their interractions tbh, they just remind me of my fav type of romance in general. I know what are my top 5 I think, but after that I love everything, so it’s hard to rate.

1. My absolutely favorite moment will forever be the one, where Rin describes the way he sees Haru in the water, I’m seriously forever in awe, because, I’ve read a lot of books, and like... even period dramas got nothing on Rin Matsuoka, when he describes the love of his life. I mean, seriously, find yourself a person who sees you the way Rin sees Haru lol

Rin felt like he was touched by the light, that surrounded him with warmth. He turned around to see Haruka, who was glowing. Shining. Haruka was shining with every strong and confident stroke that he made. The outstanding energy, emitted from him, surrounded Haruka with the dazzling light and Rin froze, unable to look away. Rin’s heart was beating so hard in his chest, that he forgot how to breathe. Haruka stole his heart. And the further away he got from him, the more distance grew between them, the more uneasy Rin felt, like he was losing the control over his emotions. He was possesed by Haruka’s shining. His strokes looked as if he was hugging the water, his leg movements were so effortless and so elegant, as if water herself was moving him to the finish line. But in all these deceptively smooth and unhurried motions were so much strength and power and such incredible speed, that all his opponents didn’t stand a chance. His swimming was that transcendent reality. He was like a bird dancing in the sky with its wings spread wide.”

Dude... I’m like... still speechless. I mean, and not just this, but everytime Rin talks about Haru, even when he jokes about his stupid habbits, you still feel that he finds him so beautiful, inside and outside, that it just makes my heart melt. 

2. When Aki tells Rin that if you put him and Haru together, you get a perfection. 

“That guy has no sense of humor. He should learn by watching me, don't you think?" Rin joked lightly.

Aki laughed a bit at his words. "It's true. Add the two of you together and divide by two, and it would be perfect."

But I mainly love that moment, because like... Aki starts telling him, that Haru is not what he's pretending to be (like for some idiots in the fandom who call him selfish, that was the explanation for them xD) and how everyone always want something from him, and he never asks for anything in return and doesn’t have anyone to lean on (yup that’s what I said all along, too, with Makoto’s dumb behavior in difficult situations, he’s on his own there lmao). And she waits for Rin to deny it or like be surprised, but it turned out that that’s exactly how Rin sees him and that he cracked him from the very beginning. BTW, here’s your addition to the ask about Rin loving Haru for who he is and seeing him for who he is. I’m just in love with that moment, because I’m happy that he just... not only he knows him, but bc he’s not one of those many idiots who just don’t get it.

"Nanase-kun seems like he can do anything all by himself, doesn't he? He's good at studying and sports and even art. He really can do anything, right? That's why everyone relies on him, but it would really be something for Nanase-kun to rely on anyone, wouldn't it?"

Rin certainly thought this was true. He had only just transferred, but the image that Rin had of Haruka was exactly that. But even if Haruka didn't have the will to go out and get involved with other people on his own, it wasn't like he was completely isolated. On the contrary, he was considered the most reliable person in their class, and when people relied on him, he always did his best to meet their expectations. This was the strange balance that people around Haruka had to maintain.

3. The one when Haru calls Rin by his name for the first time. And I honestly for some reason didn’t even realize that this moment was in the anime until my 3rd rewatch (lol), but, man, little Rin’s reaction is the most adorable ever. I cry.

4. When Gou meets Haru for the first time and immediately goes “ah so you’re Haruka Nanase, the one, who my brother talks about 24/7...‘Nanase is so cool, Nananse is so fast!’” and Rin just goes red lmfaaaaaooooo.

5. When Haru says that he feels the fever running through his body each time he just sees Rin, but he doesn’t understand what it means... ahem.... OH WELL

6. When Rin tells them he’s leaving and Haru gets absolutely furious and calls him a selfish jerk, but then he feels his legs giving out and he thinks that he needs to be in the water, but then he realizes, that for the first time in his life it won’t save him and he’s so lost and fucking crushed. "you can’t just mess up my whole life and leave me like that” and “this can’t be true, I can’t be this weak.” aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa fucking hellish angst... that mix of emotions was seriously hideous, at first he was so confused and in denial, he couldn’t even think, he literally went “who is leaving?” and then it just all blew up. Poor baby.

7. Just all the little moments, when Rin notices everything Haru does and falls in love a bit more each time. Like when Haru slowed down, when he saw that Nagisa is having troubles of keeping up with him.

Nagisa was earnestly trying to keep up with Haruka. If he kept up that pace, he wouldn't be able to run next to Haruka for the whole trip. That was how it had been yesterday. Nagisa's breath was coming short, and when Haruka saw him slow down a pace, he lightly turned his eyes downward. I guess that's as far as he goes.

A sigh mixed with Haruka's long breaths. Then, by just a tiny increment, Haruka let his pace slacken.

"Oh?" Rin said quietly. Haruka could almost hear him saying "You're so nice, Nanase," and he tsked inwardly. Nagisa caught up to him, smiling as if it hurt a bit. It looked like he'd lost the energy to keep talking.

Just cute, and they watched each other all the time, it’d be a bitch to count each one, but god, all of them were cute.

8. All the moments of Haru pulling Rin’s pigtails... hilarious, especially the RinRin one, but the funniest and my favorite was when Nagisa turned to Haru to ask him for a permision to call Rin Rin-Rin, like... all the rights to Rin belong to Haru and vice versa lmao I agree. “I’ll allow it” lolz shut it, Haru.

9. This moment: “Something happened inside of him that made Haruka incredibly angry, he was so pissed, that he didn’t even want to swim anymore. To think that someone like Rin could make him feel such powerful swirl of emotions and make him such a mess... he felt disgusted with himself.” Yeah, Haru, love is dat bitch when you’re 13 lol

10. The one where Haru whispers “sorry for making you feel that way” to Rin? The one where Rin’s grandma doesn’t want to go to see the relay, but then she suddenly does, when she finds out that her grandson’s future husband is in it? The “he at that moment realized that the only thing Rin was concerned about was Haruka” one? I don’t fucking know, you pick haha ANY MOMENT, ALL THE MOMENTS XD

______

BUT in all seriousness, I do not get how you can love Makoharu after the novels. Like do people just ignore these moments:

“Haru waved Makoto off like an annoying fly”, “feeling annoyed by his obnoxious care, Haruka went right past him”, “feeling like Makoto’s smile could turn into tears any second now, Haru turned away and went to the showers” (fuck this shit I’m out lmao), “complitely ignoring him, Haru kept walking”.

??????? is this... does anyone find this amazing??????!!!!!!!!!!!

Or when Haru was literally fucking losing it, cause Makoto just repeated everything after him and how he just lost all the respect in that moment.

“I feel like I should also get into running.” Makoto said it as it was a joke, but Haru knew for sure that it wasn’t. More than that, he knew, that Makoto was going to ask him that ever since the moment he found out that Haru was running this morning. Haruka fel annoyed, because he couldn’t find the excuse to refuse him.

Or this moment:

“Makoto was late and Haruka didn’t have any reasons to wait for him. Makoto can catch up with him on the way, they’ll meet at the swimming club either way. For both of them it’ll be better, if Haru went by himself, than stood there and waited Makoto, slowly losing his temper.”

“Haruka felt uncomfortable, cause Makoto looked at him, as if was a weak”

Or this:

"Did you know I was going to come out here?" Even though he knew it was impossible, Makoto couldn't stop himself from asking.

"Nope."

"Then, why…" are you standing in a place like this?

"Watching the sunset."

and I can go on and on and on

and the fishies... oh my fucking god, the fishies

***

I’m just saying, all these moments are not even funny. My point in all this, that like no matter how much Haru loves Makoto as a friend... or got used to him is what I personally think, I don’t think he’s ever gonna idk how to say this... respect him as a human being? admire him? And this whole situation... I just can’t appreciate such kind of relationships even in a friends way. 

1stly because Makoto’s behavior in general makes me have war flashbacks to some of my real life experiences (and yeah, I confess, it affected me and that’s why I don’t like his character a lot; because I don’t think many people know what it’s like to deal with these kind of people in general). 2ndly, cause Makoto fans keep trashing Haru and many call him selfish bc of the way he treats him, but what they don’t understand is that if it wasn’t for Haru being this harsh, Makoto would literally became even doormat-y than he is now (yes, it’s possible lmao). 

P.S. my favorite in the novels tbh is all the Haru “I’m surrounded by idiots” moments, like when they started to dig the frozen soil with little scrapes and he was looking at them like they’re morons and then just silently walked away and came back with a giant shovel... “if you keep doing this with your tiny scoopers, we’re gonna be here all night” and they then they just watched him as he did everything himself LMFAO I just love him so freaking much. I also think his relationship with Nagisa are incredible and so underrated, since it’s a huge and incredible part of the books. I just keep saying, Haru’d be an amazing dad, so I can’t wait for him and Rin to adopt xD

P.P.S. And what about the Free! novelization????!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAA

#answered #anonymous #rinharu #harurin #Free! #free! iwatobi swim club #free #rin matsuoka #nanase haruka #sharkbait #Haru x Rin #rin x haru #did i not get something? wasn't the high speed a horrible thing for mh? #cause it seemed like that to me

[shadystranger]

Bernardo character analysis cuz yes

The major hindrance of Bernardo's life was actually himself all along.

Bernardo is a smart guy and as much as he holds expectations he's never satisfied, worse he is the first to feel the most disappointed with himself (ex: him emphasizing on how pathetic and loser he actually is) Bernardo used to see himself as an incompetent third rate book-smart, even after he became the second highest ranked member in the organization he still thought of himself as a loser.

Bernardo's negative view of himself probably stemmed from only one thing and that's that he was too demanding of himself. Bernardo always pursues the finest of things be it liquor, cigarettes, etc he doesn't settle just for any quality, the reason he does such a thing may be because he knows enough just how inferior they would be. You only know something is good when you have experienced what is inferior. Bernardo fancies the finest of things because he's too familiar with the worstes of them Bernardo used to be quite poor not to a great extent at all but his modest family situation posed to him more hurdles in life than it did him good.

Near the end of Bernardo's route after Gian finds Bernardo under the rain, he shares his beer with him Bernardo first got disgusted by how awful it tasted compared to the wines of highest quality he's used to but finds himself later content with it. Bernardo's attitude with the finest of things x otherwise could be also said for Bernardo's aspired self in his mind and what he's in reality. I like to think that moment is more of a metaphor that even his self who does wrong-doings, cries in the rain and is miserable at times is fine on its own without being prefectured and Gian loves Bernardo for who he is anyway.

Bernardo's life used to be quite a series of pure downs and no ups. He emphasized how awful his time in the army had been (which he had to serve in to be able to get into university), no sooner he's imprisoned and is targeted too much for his own good, worse he ends up in the Mafia (the least place he likely wanted to be associated with) and finds himself with no choice but to miraculously work his way in the stocks in a dying stock market or else his life ends. The only time life works Bernardo's way is when Gian helps him and quite literally saves his life, this is probably the beginning of Bernardo's fixation with Gian.

Bernardo is not perfect, he proved to have self-doubt and self-aversion issues at some points but he is not the type who sees less worth in himself and such.

A good chug of Bernardo's mindset is the incarnation of reason. He does not carry out decisions unless he has re-thought them thoroughly and his actions are bound to be from the utmost consideration of the organization than anything, he for the most part knows how to base his actions on his logical side rather than his emotional side and the benefits it has on the organization.

However both the army and family proved to be discard-able means, Bernardo's history in army is kinda vague though it was clear he hated every bit of it and his plans of a family was destroyed because the one he truly fell in love with was a man (and with Bernardo's attitude It probably was never that any women was fine as long as she gives him a child, it was never that any woman would "work" rather it had to be the "specific person he genuinely fell for" unfortunately for him Gian was a man, so that led to smartass plan B of them using any women to hitch two of their kids which is a dick plan overall because it shows that as long as it means he'll reach his goal Bernardo'd not mind using anyone even if he won't go out of his way to, needlessly. Basically Bernardo is an extreme the end justifies the means kind of person) back to the point Bernardo for a long while didn't know how exactly he should spend his life, to Bernardo life is a mere means, probably an empty stage where you've to fulfill your duties and that's it.

In the grand scheme of things, Bernardo has three main factors to how his mindset works: number one is his strong sense of responsibility and reason, number two is his indecisiveness, oftentimes due pessimistic approach and number three is contradiction (which is usually because of Gian).

Bernardo originally strongly believes that he and the organization are in a kind of dutiful relationship. He must be logical, wise, steadfast and completely discarding his own real emotions. Bernardo adopts more of an old and robotic approach to life he is aware he was born for a reason and that's to put his all into being useful, have a family and die. but all of these are mere means for him to fulfill that desire in him to leave a proof of him existing. When you serve your country (ie army, later → the organization) when you get married (ie → a child) both are what you'd most likely think of when you want to bury yourself down into even one person's memory after you die. I don't know if his fixation with the thought is out of self-doubt or low self-worth but one thing for sure It's the only way of life he adopted.

Kind of nearly everything Bernardo searched for (be it, purpose, investment, money, and companions) was given to him by the organization. Maybe it's because of that that he holds the organization this highly in his list of priorities.

CR:5 was in a way the light that guided him through the tunnel. It's no exaggeration to say it played a big part in him continuing to live because he's now actually tied up with an "existence".

The organization keeps on giving than anything and Bernardo'd never really have any reason to betray it you'd think but then you see him turn around and help Gian ditching CR:5 if he wanted to or giving Gian the money he got rather than maybe investing it in the family's ledger especially when CR:5 wasn't in its best shape then.

I'm pretty sure aside from Gian followed by the capos no one matters much to Bernardo. (I included the capos too because Bernardo does admit to Ivan that he's a dick but he would never does harm to someone close to Ivan even when it was convenient for him to)

Bernardo literally has no reason to betray the family, but because he considers keeping Gian safe of greater priority he decides to, this doesn't lessen his loyalty per se but just shows how he sets his decisions based on his own list of priorities, Bernardo would be the biggest asshole if it means he gets the end he desires and Natasha's case was no different as the organization. Bernardo loved Nastasha, he had no reason to ill-treat her but because he knew only through her he could set up Dave, which getting rid of him was beneficial to the family and probably work as a self-satisfaction to Bernardo, he used her. It's not that Nastasha never mattered to him but rather that the organization and maybe his desire to settle scores with Dave had the upper level in his priorities than her.

Another thing to put into consideration Is that in Ivan's route Bernardo did say that he had a "naive image" of the family. He joined expecting better but the reality was disappointing. Bernardo does have his iffies about the ordeal of things but he'd usually just stay still in the sidelines, he doesn't take a step more than his line of sight allows he's cowardly in a sense.

I believe Bernardo's indecisiveness and hesitation lies in the fact he's the type of person who considers the negative what-ifs of any situation most and bases his train of thought on the worst outcome and even when he does not, his fear of the numerous dead-ends and no guarantee 100% that "that thought" would work is due that. In essence he limits his own self through his cautiousness and pessimism.

He's the one who chains and limits himself this much. That's why I think the scene on the bridge at the end of the route symbolizes him managing to rid himself of his constant indecisiveness and cowardice.

Bernardo knew Gian approximately around the time he was with Nastasha. But the difference is that Bernardo truly loved Gian whereas he didn't have as strong feelings towards Nastasha.

Since day one Bernardo had always kept making sure his love for Gian stays hidden if Gian does not notice he will not tell him, the thought was not even considered to him because he was cautious more than anything to protect his relationship with Gian the risk of it changing by Gian becoming aware of those feelings he held for him was too high and not worth it, Bernardo would have never taken the intuitive unless he *knew* the chances were in his favor and he wouldn't lose their current relationship.

In the general pessimistic predictions Bernardo had, Gian and him had no future. Despite adopting the mindset of expecting the consequences of every step he took, that rational valve of Bernardo gets inherently broken when it comes to Gian sometimes. The moment Bernardo decided to make his feelings for Gian blatant he did not regret it. Even if it meant he was fucking up their relationship, he didn't regret it (Though it could also be because Gian makes Bernardo lose all his original sense of reason, since Gian is the cause of Bernardo's "contradiction" or who knows?)

As I already said, Bernardo doesn't get to act based on his emotions due his position in the family. Acting sensibly is commonplace and default for him. Bernardo is not a man who can be tied up by bonds: to him partners can be used, promises can be broken, companions can be betrayed, Bernardo is much more unsympathetic than he lets on (with expectations to that maxim).

When it comes to Nastasha though I don't think It's that he's a mere dick to her because Bernardo is actually not (even if overall he is)

Let's put some things straight Bernardo originally gave her a better life and was the one who gave Nastasha her only source of income (her shop). And it was heavily implied that Nastasha did think if Bernardo abandoned her, she'd have nowhere to go. Bernardo himself is not heartless. So he probably for that reason didn't want to end their relationship of nearly 9 years. It's not that he had much romantic feelings for her (even if he did love her at some point) and was switching between her and Gian because he can't decide and making Gian a side-track in progress. It was more like he was being considerate of her whereas Gian was the one who mattered to Bernardo the most and whom he has the strongest feelings for (not just romantically).

So even If he wasn't interested, Bernardo would still speak sweet nothings over the phone to Nastasha, still give her flowers, and such. He was maintaining their relationship, but he did not intend to give her a future with him. (Is he shitty for acting and leading her on? absolutely. Was it not with good intentions here and there? to be fair, No)

Despite the fact Bernardo took the bystander stance on Nastasha and let her be r worded by Dave, fully aware of the consequences he still regretted his actions and cried under the rain which would seem quite hypocritical of him.

Bernardo continued to hold the bouquet of flowers then, not because he was holding on his love for Nastasha and past, It was because the bouquet of flowers resembled his self that acknowledges Its own incompetence, wrong-doings and failure (also the scene where Gian said he should give him those flowers and Bernardo replied he'd buy him another one but Gian insisted on the one he was holding means a lot more when you view the bouquet as Bernardo's unfiltered self).

In the Best Ending when Bernardo shouted his love for Gian in the void, It could be interpreted as a kind of rebirth for him.

I mean Bernardo originally could not face his genuine probably overwhelming love for Gian (now you see his Gian whoring traits all over the place be it in his own route, the other capos' or the neutral one)

Because of numerous reasons, had Bernardo remained the same as his past self he would still have been stuck, unable to get out of the dark dilemma he had gotten himself into. But through Gian he was able to change and overcome his mental fears.

To sum it up, Bernardo lived his life searching for a reason to live and the meaning of life and family. He wanted to prove himself through his constant efforts and "deeds". You'd think overall such a man has no emotions in him and is incapable of loving thanks to his strongly logical mindset. But he loves Gian like the biggest dumbass ever in love and CR:5 as well (saying this cuz Bernardo did say that spending time aimlessly with the five of them is like a dream-like reality).

#Tumblr broke while I made this #lucky dog 1 #Bernardo Ortolani #This is pure thoughts and brainfarts on Bernardo #The character writing in ld1 is hella neat

[eversoslinky]

Boobs... my love/ hate relationship with my body.

Here's an image of a beautiful Brunette, DD breasts bursting out her bra, teeny, tiny waist. She's every straight man's (and gay woman's) fantasy. She's flawlessly perfect and natural looking at the same time. This woman and many others like her the reason I struggle with my body everyday and why I hate my breasts.

Here's an image of a flat chested girl. (I had ALOT of trouble finding this image on the internet!... I typed in double A and triple A breasts and still got some gorgeous photos of glamour models... not quite what I'm looking for, I guess the word "breasts" goes hand in hand with "huge" on the search engine) Grown women can be small busted too and I'm never going to feed into the fantasies of disgusting perverts by posting images of pre teen girls in bikinis. At 30 I was just beginning to except who I am, I'm on antidepressants and have been for the past three years... as a result, my weight has fluctuated I've gained weight on my thighs, hips and midsection... my chest, however, that's stayed the same. I excepted it and in a weird way learnt to love my body... until I met someone who messed up my head and made me hate my figure.

I "used to" have a female friend with triple D boobs (a size I didn't know existed until I met her) She was very proud of her naturally big chest and rightly so but the problem with people who are blessed with what mother nature has given them is they seem to think they can shame people who have cosmetic surgery to enhance their looks. And that's not cool. Not cool at all. It's the same with men who gush over their favourite female celebrities and their "perfect" bodies. I've got something to tell you here that might upset you a little bit... those bodies are probably surgically enhanced! So don't you dare make a woman feel bad for wanting a boob job! It's frustrating and so god damn awful when your boyfriend or partner tells you he doesn't like big boobs and prefers your natural double A chest but then is watching videos of women with DDs. What you really mean to say is you like natural big boobs? Oh and a girl with a perfectly toned figure who never goes to the gym... I hate to break it to you but those "perfect" girls you love looking at.... their surgically enhanced and they probably work really hard at the gym and watch what their eating to stay looking that way... so sorry to burst your bubble right there...

Being a small busted girl has its plus points though, a few things I'll miss but hopefully they wont be an issue for me when I have my own (ten years in the making breast implant surgery in the new year) The biggest plus is probably that I really enjoy exercise and in particular getting on that bike in spin class and cycling my little heart out. I can lean forward to do push ups on the bike without any "pop outs" accuring (!) The thing I will probably miss most of all is the fact my boobs are my "ugly card." everyone has something which is deemed as "not very attractive" but is in reverse the greatest blessing to them cause it gets rid of shallow fuckers. I get alot of unwanted attention from men, I say this because I look alot younger than what I am and I'm slim, big blue eyes, full lips and high cheekbones. With makeup on I can look quite attractive but this often means that I can attract idiots, fuck boys, creeps and men who haven't read a book since high school and can't have a conversation with me. An guy on a dating site once said to me "I want a girl with blonde hair who wants children." I was moved to finally have met someone who wants a family like I do. I love kids so much. He ruined this by saying "she's got to have really big boobs too!" He kept going on about how I was his ideal woman and I shut him down by telling him I'm flat chested but I wish him all the very best looking for his "perfect" girl. Instead of the correct answer which would be "the size of your boobs doesn't matter to me, you're a nice person and I want to get to know you better." He responded with "A boob job will sort that out... then I'll marry you." Disgusting vile human being. I'll bet you any money, after I blocked him he was probably scratching his head as to why he offended me so much.

When I do get my implants done I'm getting them done for ME. NOT A MAN. ME. Without sounding big headed here: I've not had any trouble attracting a man. No one has ever been put off by my small chest. The type of man I want to attract won't care about the fact I'm tiny on top and got a big curvy backside to rival that of Jennifer Lopez or Beyonce. He'll love it. As for the girl who used to be my friend I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, the one with perfect natural triple D breasts who shames women for wanting to enhance their bodies. She's single, she acts clingy and needy with men and "needs ALOT of attention" I'm so sorry but no matter how hot your body is but no man will put up with that. I think like a guy and I know I'd rather have someone who was independent, ambitious and had their own life going on. Someone who is funny, quick witted and might not return my calls cause their busy doing something fun that doesn't involve me. That's ok.

Last but certainly not least is the fact that people have told me throughout my life that in order to get bigger breasts I must "eat more calories" DO NOT listen to anyone who tells you this shit! It's irresponsible. Firstly not every woman is built the same, weight goes on different places on different bodies. I tried last year eating ice buns from a local bakery, pancakes coated in maple syrup and tea cakes... this was just my breakfast! Every meal had a pudding and everything was covered in salt, sugar and sweeteners. I did this for three months last summer until I realised I had no energy, my depression got a thousand times worse and I gained inches in all the places I didn't want them to go. The people who told me over the years to "put on weight" where nothing but jealous women who didn't like the fact I was trying to improve myself. If you are wanting to gain weight please see your doctor, nutritionist or personal trainer. They will advise you on a sensible safe approach to your healthy weight gain. DON'T eat ice buns for breakfast (like I did!) It won't make your breasts bigger, it will only make you gain weight round the middle.

[unalivemebro]

anyway

i've been so fucking anxious lately, like full blown panic attack a day anxious and like i have a xanax prescription and it helps and everything but I'm deeply uninterested in getting like actually addicted to benzos so most of the time ive just been like feeling like im dying and its epic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i know part of the reason im so fucking anxious is cause i have this dumbass crush on a Genuinely not even that cute irish boy i met Online (which is like deeply cringe but w/e) and i can tell he literally only sees me as a sex object and like im not here to shame the lad but bro stop talking about my ass dude. just play the video game and crack a mf joke its noon,,, its simply not horny hours. like logically im fully aware that like i should just essentially block em and move on with my life but im fucking LONELY. and look ive got friends that i adore and family and whatever but man its just kinda nice to be like fawned over, even if it makes me feel kinda gross afterwards. he's not like a bad person and i feel like ive only mentioned him like hes some awful creep and he isnt, but he definitely lies about his sex life. i cant tell if its like to make me jealous (???? which makes no sense ive never even met him in person) or if its like a im a big man that crushes ass typa thing. have to say, typing this all out like stream of consciousness style actually did help holy shit. like. in a way i felt one of those little sims like -- over my head just now with the man. i was literally like desperate for a message from him a few days ago and now im kinda disgusted???? thats a bit strong. but i do think the discord call today irritated me, instead of like charming me, which helped.

next topic :)

ive really gotta fucking deal with my parents. i havent had an extended conversation with either of them for what's probably months now, and like im genuinely MUCH happier. but im not sure if you can, in essence, ghost your parents. i mean i guess once im off their health and car insurance/phone plan thats really it. i don't even want to talk to them, thats the thing thats really surprised me about this whole like experiment to see if they reach out. when something happens to me i have to like remind myself to be like "hey guys and gals this happened" instead of like the excitement i feel waiting to tell kim or someone else i actually give a fuck about. i think i just got so tired of their narcissism, and im sure my own narcissism didnt help, but like im their only child and they cant even find it within themselves to like care about anything i do. im literally positive im more hurt like ~deep down~ by their apathy than i realize, but im also so deeply unsurprised? i just, i really honestly do hate my mother. i have a harder time hating my stepdad, but i think its just internalized misogyny T B H.

ok im done for now. this was actually helpful HUH who woulda thought

[scummy-writes]

I forgot if I already asked this or not, but: If RFA/V/Saeran were vampires, what would their general feeding habits be like? Assuming they don't choose to feed off MC all the time or just leave her for tiny dessert nibs.

You haven’t! Or at least if you did, tumblr possibly ate it! Gosh, I don’t talk about vampires much, but I really like them….Modern vamps are so good… I’m sorry if none of these make sense! The last vampire related thing I watched was a few random episodes of Buffy afhdsf

Speaking of Buffy, I’m going along with the idea that just because they’ve drank your blood doesn’t mean you’re a vampire. Rather if they drink the vampires blood? …Is that weird? Idk if thats ‘Official Lore’, but now it’s “Scums Bastardized Lore’. And it’s a weird modern vamp world because?? I have?? No idea how to write vampire worlds holy fuck

Thank you @fromthedeskofelizabeththird and my friendo Mouse for helping me out with this one!

Zen: The ‘Lestat’ Vampire

- Probably the most typical, dramatic and Romantic vampire.

- A bit of a drama queen if his fans aren’t giving him much attention

- He won’t drink fans blood, but if its offered he tries to come up with an excuse. Saying he’s already ate, prefers a certain blood type to maintain his ‘good skin’, etc

- With Mc he would be worried about drinking too much at once! He might get carried away, especially since he wouldn’t go feed off of random people (probably some weird modern-vamp storebought bs), and he might try to make it Extremely Romantic (and cheesy)

- Mostly he would try to save drinking her blood for special occasions, and probably wouldn’t even bring up or entertain the idea of turning her for a while.

Jumin: The ‘No One Understands Me’ Vampire

- Look me in the eyes and tell me that Jumin wouldn’t be the type of vamp to lock himself in his room with Elizabeth 3rd, lamenting about how humans and vampires are so different, and how no human could understand him.

- Not as dramatic as Zen, but very closed off and skeptical when Mc shows any interest

- Probably drinks blood like its a fine wine. Gets fancy stuff, directly from the victim without having to sink his own fangs into them- Rich Vampire Bs, basically

- Mc suggesting that he could drink from her causes him to think she’s implying a sexual spin to it, and it takes a bit of talking to explain what she meant

- If he ever does drink from her, he’s very very careful, treats it as a relationship bonding experience, and compliments everything he can about the taste

- He may not do it often mainly due to the fact he wants to save her blood for very special occasions

Seven: The ‘Ayyyy Lmao’ Vampire

- Goofy vampire. Does the cheesy lame vampire jokes and treats his own existence as a joke

- Definitely has scared random humans by popping out and threatening to drink their blood, but then laughing at their horrified expressions

- Hails some god awful cheap blood soda bs as the best drink. It’s disgusting. Everyone things its disgusting.

- Refuses to drink Mc’s blood. He doesn’t want to hurt her like that, doesn’t want to risk going overboard and drinking too much, doesn’t want to risk anything. He would literally starve before willingly drinking her blood.

- If he absolutely had to, he would drink the bare minimum and then possibly baby her for a bit. As in, making sure she’s not feeling lightheaded or sensitive afterwards.

Yoosung: The ‘Innocent’ Vampire

-The most normal vampire that probably romanticizes drinking someone else’s blood. Probably hates that he’s going to look cute for years. Wishes he got turned a bit later in life.

- Drinks cheap blood and never any human blood until he meets Mc. It’s easy for him to get it, has been offered by a few humans before, but shyly refused

- If Mc ever lets him, he tries to make it romantic, almost as if it’s going to be your first time doing something else together

- The first time he accidentally goes overboard, but he apologises profusely (probably cooking something high in iron for you). After that, he tries to be more careful and stresses you can always say no

Jaehee: The 'Most Beneficial’ Vampire

- Probably only became a vampire because it was the best way to get a job, maintain one, or because it was beneficial at the time.

- …vampires probably would have some gross ass coffee blood, huh? If so, that’s probably what she would drink the most, if not then normal coffee it is. Maybe some vampire employees would get better blood than “'storebought”’ blood?(fuk idk)

- When you suggest it to her, she outright refuses. Drinking blood straight from a human seems too personal, too intimate, and she doesn’t want to do that to a friend

-… Until its proven that the two of you are more than friends.

- Still, she hardly does, unless she really needs a pick-me-up. Afterwards she makes sure you rest up and don’t get too light-headed

V: The 'Wrong Reasons’ Vampire

- Probably turned a human into a vampire, under the guise that they would live together happily (*coughs* Rika)

- Because of this, he’s reluctant to drink from Mc. Doing so he might go a bit overboard (Rika would have been the last human he drank from), or stress about you wanting to become one

- He’s mainly used to just drinking like Jumin does, without the 'Humans will never understand me’ vibes.

- If he does, he’s so careful. So sweet, kissing the spot he’s going to bite a few times, barely even drinking enough to satiate his hunger.

- Just don’t seem to eager for it, because it will bring forth some past worries of his

Saeran: The “”“'Edgy”“”’ Vampire

- You ever see those vampires who go around drinking from whoever they want, whenever they want? Well here is Saeran, a Korean version of Spike.

- He does whatever, drinks from whoever, and tosses them aside afterwards. Doesn’t even care how weak they are afterwards

- Mainly the more dangerous ones, so if he hasn’t met Mc like that, she is lucky.

- Presumably, Mc would most likely be the one to calm him down, start forcing him to feel emotions (he hates it at first), and because of that, he doesnt drink from her at first.

- When he does, it’s more romantic. He doesn’t use her or toss her aside. He’s careful, constantly making sure she’s sure and okay, and then even dares to kiss her afterwards.

#mystic messenger #mysme #jumin han #jumin #jaehee kang #jaehee #yoosung #yoosung kim #707 #seven #saeyoung choi #saeyoung #zen #hyun ryu #saeran #saeran choi #v #jihyun kim #0lgerd

[cryptidsandchamomile]

Yesterday my therapist and I went over the criteria of DID and to my surprise I actually got all of them in some shape or form. She wants me to write down when I dissociate and not feel like myself to see if it's not just a reaction to stress or other circumstances.

I always feel like I'm faking all of this, that I'm doing it for attention and that the small things I remember aren't even real or that I'm overreacting because it wasn't so bad.

I always thought that getting a definite diagnosis would help me, but now that I'm in the progress of it I just want to push everything away again and stop going to therapy and forget I ever even thought something was off

#i also dont want to be diagnosed for the sake of it that wasnt ever my intention #i just feel like im making it all up because i watch YouTubers educating people about did #and that im projecting onto it #i dont want to do that #i don't want to be that type of person cause its disgusting and awful to fake something like this

[sbry41001]

Hello. I need help and don't know where to get it.

To preface this, I just wanna say, to the one or two people who know me in reality who may or may not see this - I’m just putting this as a fair warning - you can stay calm and know that I will probably be ok and please stay quiet about this because it’s very personal, and I’m just writing this on here as an outlet.

No one will read this most likely, and certainly no one will freaking care, but I figured I'd put that as a disclaimer.

To get right into it,

I have a type of depression that would probably be called ‘persistent depressive’ because sometimes it’s noticeable and other times it isn’t. Usually it involves me staying inside of my bedroom for most of the day and not going out, simply because I am a burden to people and won’t be around them to bother them.

I have been called “abnormal” for having it, or for various other things that can be associated with it, such as letting little things get to me or 'overreacting’ within certain situations. Or simply having feelings such as anger and expressing them.

It has caused me to put myself away and feel like garbage like 90% of the time, and hate myself, and basically I make myself feel like I don’t belong with people or that no one will ever like me, pretty much classic symptoms.

So to get to the next part, which is when it got to be the worst, and the absolute worst and most freaking devastatingly awful period of about a year within my life, and the “story” section, is that back in like June (directly at the beginning of June) of 2016, I met this person (sorry, I won’t be saying who they are or tagging them), and made friends on a certain app just through a public chatroom of some sort, and well apparently this one person enjoyed doing, er… Not so appropriate things during chat/role play and after I started doing it with them to humor them, they actually began to like me and we actually hit it off and became a “couple” (I will never use that term to describe the two of us ever again). I felt great for a long time - someone liked me, even if it was a relationship that was too weird for me and wasn’t actually what I was looking for (for specific reasons that you can dm me for if you REALLY honestly wanna know.)

Well after a while, as I did not expect, we weren’t exactly the same as before, and they began to respond to the other folks in the chat we were in, and I began to feel like they disliked me – thanks to my depression. It felt like they kicked my butt and mentally abused me in ways I don’t really want to repeat because it will probably stir up emotions in me that I don’t want to even remember feeling. There were times that they called people “the most beautiful they’d ever seen” despite the fact that I was their gf. And after I finally snapped and started being rude to them because they never gave me proof that they loved me more than or differently than their previous lovers or friends, and they 'dropped me as a person’, they began cursing at me constantly and started calling me horrible names like “b*tch, saying 'F you’ to me all the time, as I said mentally abusing me, essentially bullying me & saying the most heinous and disgusting things to me - and it broke me. It broke me the hell apart. And while I was far from perfect - I said some bad things to them as well, and I was terrible back because of the horrible emotions and suicide attempts that I had experienced. - Oh, right, I forgot to tell y'all that the BS they said to me made me nearly end up committing suicide until I stopped myself from it because I figured it might not be worth it, despite the fact that I wanted death, craved it, told myself that being hated this much by this person and their friend group meant that I should not be alive.

This went on for a period of about a year until I left their message group and was never invited again.

Another thing that’s made this horrible feeling that I need to be dead even worse is that one of this person’s friends, who I will tag (@mrrald) because I actually want them to know the real story, how much they hurt me, and pretty much how much of an idiot they are. Basically, they said even more horrible things to me, calling me a "racist and sexist bigot” because of the fact that I watch the News and keep up with it on Twitter (and basically because I’m not an SJW like they are), as well as saying that I “cant solve s*it on my own” because I was still effing hurt and depressed that the person who I thought genuinely liked me did not. And, freaking surprisingly enough, I’m not hurt by that anymore, I’m more hurt by how much they hate me so much as to say such nasty things to me and curse me out for just trying to tell them that I Graduated High School.

Yes, I’m being serious, and yes, this got the suicide attempts rolling again.

I hated, and still hate myself, and think that what they said, that I was a “manipulative, need therapy, insane, abhorrent, always have a victim card, and horrible individual” are true, and to this day I still am hated by these folks, get messages from them still saying how horrible I am on my board occasionally from those who I forgot to block, and still want to die because I feel so alone and such intense and heavy and violent self hatred.

My family also dislikes me a lot, and downs me for not having a job yet - even though I’ve been trying hard for just over a year to get one, but simply no one has said yes as of yet and say that I’m also “negative and horrible” all the time. I know already that of their children, I’m the worst, and that I’m the family disappointment. I’m not as pretty, when I do things I don’t do them perfectly exactly as they want, and basically I’m horrible as a person and as a family member. I leave things out, I don’t like it when I’m way behind in a card game, every little thing I do starts an argument - in summation, I’m an immature idiot who screws crap up.

I’m just sick of doing it and think if I were gone, things would be SO much better for them. That’s pretty much what they’ve told me, anyway.

Basically, this is a cry for help, as the title suggests. I want to be alive, not just existing, and I want to stop feeling like I want or need to die.

I need to find something better that will help me with this illness that I have and I need to know how to deal with the people who mentally abused me online in that group. I know there are things in my life that I do enjoy, certain series that have kept me at least partially sane since that horrible yearlong time, and I live for those things and those things only - as an example, I live only to see that new episode of My Hero Academia come out. Or that new SU Episode or Game, etc etc.

Those things are losing their effect on me however, kind of like how bubble gum loses its taste.

I need comfort, I need healing, and I need pleasant social interaction above all else. The light is dimming on my life and I fear that eventually it really will end up getting to the point where I take my own life.

I need to know that I’m not freaking scum/garbage like I’ve been told I am and like I tell myself every day.

#self deprecation #depression #selfhate #selfloathing #im crying #cryforhelp #suicide #toxic people #pleasehelp #death #screwup #longstory #sorry #help me #help #cry #iwannadie #im done #done #totallydone #imsooverthis #anger #imsick #imsickofliving #mental health #screaming #imstupid #jesuschrist #sososofuckingdone #10secsaway