#i dont know how to learn and also to keep that knowledge. cant see myself learning how to use all those big scary machines. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

filmnoirsbian · 3 months

Note

i dont know who else to turn to in asking something like this and i know its probably left of field of what you normally get but like what do you do when you know you'll never get closure? how are you supposed to move on? after a series of incredible terrible events irl last year that would require tws to explain most of my friends abandoned me for being too erratic and being unable to explain myself, some of them by dropping a wall of text of all my wrongdoings theyd never brought up before ever in the most vague way possible and then blocking me. part of me still wants to apologize but it was all so vague and my memory is so bad i dont know what i did and i dont expect them to believe that. i also have no way of even contacting them if i could figure out how to apologize for it. so like. i guess im asking is what do you do when you did something terrible you cant remember and will never learn and can't apologize for? how do you move on from something like that?

While not exactly the same as your situation, I have experienced something similar (in the vein of doing harmful things I do not/will never remember, and having to come to terms with the fact that I did and that other people involved are never obligated to forgive me nor will I probably ever be able to apologize). For various reasons (drug abuse, mental illness, etc) this is a reality that quite a few people might have to face and I think the only way to really do that is to acknowledge it happened, and do your best to not let it happen again. This might mean behavioral changes, lifestyle changes, or anything else you can actively do both for yourself and those around you. What I'll say is that you have several options ahead of you. You can do your best to somehow reach out and apologize, which your friends may or may not accept. Or you can allow them their distance and move forward on your own, hopefully learning and growing from this admittedly suckass experience, and building new, healthier friendships in the future. I know it sounds silly but you move on by moving on. I'm not saying you have to ignore or forget about this information, tbh I don't think you should, but instead place it aside with the knowledge that you may have fucked up in the past (who hasn't?) but you can always do better. Every day is just a series of choices to be better than you were, to do better than you have. Closure is honestly very rare. Real life is filled with loose strings and messy endings. But wallowing in guilt and regret and what ifs is almost always detrimental to growth. You can feel sorry--I certainly did, and likely always will--but extend yourself the amount of grace it takes to stand up and keep moving forward, knowing that the best apology, even if they never see it, is in not committing the same hurts.

#asks

55 notes · View notes

ganondoodle · 1 year

Text

so, i have thought more about what we now know about botw2 and honestly, setting aside the smaller things i am not a fan of (like the building aspect) my biggest gripes about it are the plot looking like its gonna be very generic, especially regarding ganondorf, while i hoped it would perhaps finally give us a little more interesting take instead good vs evil; and the oh so mysterious figure you see in in the trailer very likely to be hylia, since shes mentioned constantly in the first game (among other things like her design being pretty much a carbon copy of zelda for the most boring reasons imaginable)

and no its not just bc of my stupid little fanworks (that i do bc i love the franchise, as much as i am critical of it, it comes from being very passionate about it, hence me working my fan lore around the canon so it doesnt disturb it much, its more meant to expand it on parts i think are a little lacking without me trying to sound superior, literally just as an act of love (and a little spite ill admit that) to add something to it)- BUT bc i have little hope they would do anything more than just going full blown "this monstrous beast is pure inherently evil, and this is the pure inherently good white little girl goddess whos just protecting her god given perfect and unshakable good tm monarchy" with no little to no nuance (theres also alot more to be critical of the general structure and implications like racism, orientalism, nationalism, that while i can see alot of wrong or questionable things in the games i lack the eloquence to talk about in its full range) yes i am personally biased bc i just .. hate that kind of story/worldbuilding structure, but i dont think im the only one who would think of it as boring and .. disappointing?

i dont need ganondorf to be redeemed, i dont need him to be the good himbo bf that some people think all ganondorf stans want, i just want him to be more than to shout "i will conquor this kingdom bc i am evil and want it" and send a horde of monsters after you, at the very least id want the game to just aknowledge that there must be a reason for it, why it turned out like this

the zelda series and its world has so much potential, which is probably a reason for its popularity in fanworks, but also keeps not using it, no i dont expect a company like nintendo to deliver on all my hopes, of course not, im not that delusional, but the further i think and learn about this universe and concepts they created i find myself asking "why" more and more where the games never elaborate, never question

i like a clear structure, i like when your choices dont have a big or any impact on the story bc i want to live the story, not worry about every decision like i already do every second of my life IRL, i want to partake in a movie, in a theater piece i can influence the pace of but not change the outcome, yet i feel kind of ... ignored? let down? asking why and how, how do they know this is right and this is wrong, how do they keep enacting this seeing it never works out, keep saying defeat this evil, but evil yet returns stronger than before over and over, how do they never ask "is this the right way?", they say "we need to kill it more next time"

i know they are fictional little characters made up to sell a game, with a convevient plot point to ever repeat the same structure, but it cant be wrong to say "i love this world, i want to see and know more, i want to see it grow and change, break the cycle and be better, show me characters not puppets"

theres very surely nuances and ideas i am sorely missing bc i lack the knowledge of japanese as a language, culture, and mythology, but i dont think it invalidates all that i feel for it ..

.. right?

#ganondoodles talks #botw2 #tloz totk #rambling #long post #just to comment on the building aspect again #i think i dislike it so much bc it feels like the zelda world might be heading towards a too modern one #i dont like how alot of series of all entertainment treat industrialization as inevitable #that every world will have cars and planes and phones the way we have #botw took some modern concepts and very elegantly remade them into something that fits and doesnt feel out of place #maybe im just boring #maybe i just dont like alot about the world we live in and it pains me to see the escapist relief of it be turned into a copy of it #maybe im just autistic and think too much about stuff that doesnt matter #lmao #or something

128 notes · View notes

beetlebuggy01 · 1 month

Text

Todays “serious talk” with my mom ended with me being happy about being Autistic and I feel like I should share it with tumblr.

Like I said Today’s “talk of the day” with my mom was about autism because it was on the news and at the end I brought up how I love how I’m autistic, bc it makes me me. Like if I were to go into some magically scenario where I could see ANYTHING and I asked to see me but without autism I feel it’d be a different person entirely! Like if I was me just magically without my chronic illness it’d still be ME. but me without autism I just can’t see it being the same person? Like when it comes to earlier this morning my mom got a letter, and I was TRANSFIXED by the envelope bc the stamp has a shark on it. And when my mom asked what I was doing I I told her excitedly “Mom look! You got a letter and the person who sent you it put a shark letter sticker on it!” And immediately going into the different breeds of hammerhead without prompting. Which I gave the letter to my mom and said I wish I could keep the cool shark stamp! afterwords my mom tore the corner of the envelope with the stamp off and gave it to me. And then me getting excited at the idea of putting the stamp on my water bottle! In which my mom helped me gently peel the stamp off the paper and stick it to my bottle, and even helped me cut a perfect peice of tape to keep it on so it wouldn’t fall off and after getting said shark stamp to stick onto my water bottle I literally got so happy I DANCED AND SANG. That interaction is so inherently me and I can’t imagine having done that if I didn’t have autism. or other stuff like going to museums or aquariums and telling my mom a million fun facts I know about the exhibits! Or getting so happy I cry bc I found a pretty pebble and I can identify the material it is! If I were to imagine myself without autism I honestly can’t see myself doing those things, and those things make me fundamentally me yknow? Like the version of me without autism realistically would probably still be me, but to visualize it in my brain feels like I’d be a greyscale “WRONG” version of myself? Like some kind of dissociative experience or version of Uncanny Valley where I’m looking at my face but it isn’t ME. All my character all the parts that make me, me. Just gone? I just love being autistic honestly, and to be a little narcissistic? it makes me such a wonderful individual and fun and cool and awesome! I have fun facts and knowledge about such fun silly things! And I know so much and thrive on learning more! and without it without autism like I said I can’t imagine being the same person without it! Like getting happy over stamps that have sharks on them and in the end when I get it on my bottle I DANCE and SING from joy! Or being excited to listen to HOURS LONG video essays on topics I like, crying out of joy because I see a cute cat or I find a pretty rock or feather, it’s so inherently me, but also the fact that autism isn’t quantified by like “this is something because of autism this is ‘the real u’” (there is no such thing/way to do such. every part of me is because of autism and also the real me.) So therefore all the things i love that make me, me, are BECAUSE of the autism, and I love the person i am so therefore i love being autistic yknow?? This is really just a psudeo post on how i love being autistic, and how awesome and unique it makes me. I love being autistic <3

Which, I’m going over the ‘good’ parts of autism, I’m not going over the developmental disability part of the developmental disability, the sensory issues, the disconnect between how different neurotypical people think are taught and how I have to be taught and how I think. The things I just DONT and sometimes CANT and never will “get” about the world etc. I’m skipping over all of the genuinely “negative” parts of autism, which I just don’t believe you can label it as bad or good parts? it’s all just autism it isn’t some morality thing where parts of it are morally inherently good and some morally inherently bad. It’s just autism it’s “a force of nature” there is no moral badness to the wolf for killing the deer there is no moral badness to the different traits of autism, it’s just the way it is and you and the people around you (and the world) just have to learn how to live in a world where people are autistic/neurodiverse/disabled and accommodate it, not try to change or “fix” or right it bc it’s wrong yknow? Because it ISNT wrong. There is no good autism or bad autism traits it’s all just autism, at best morally neutral But that’s besides the point. I technically skip over those parts of it before, which the “negatives” are just as much a part of being autistic as the “positives” but I’m still happy to be autistic, because it’s still me, “negative” and “positive” traits alike! And I love me! I love being me I love the way I think and speak and work things out and everything about me! And I love me. Even still with all the parts of autism I love being autistic because autism is every part of me as I am me and I’m PERFECT the way I am. And yes I skip out the “bad” but still. I love being autistic because being autistic means I’m being me <3

Again like I said this is just really a “autism/neurodiverse positivity post/thought” yknow? It’s not really in-depth thought out or some essay I’ve proof read, it’s just me putting how much I’m me and how I love being me on the metaphorical page. And i guess it’s about Being happy with yourself and loving yourself with the “good” and the “bad” parts bc it makes you you and your beautifully you in every way you are <3

#autism #actually autistic #autistic things #autistic adult #autistic experiences #self love #self care #positivity #positive mental attitude #be happy with yourself your perfect #I promise you your perfect #your not wrong or different/neg or weird/neg #your exactly who your supposed to be<3 #autistic community #autistic spectrum

5 notes · View notes

scruffyssketchbook · 1 month

Note

i think part of the reason people are upset about Nego being discarded/removed from the series is likely for the same reason people may be upset about other changes to the series---people are afraid that the things they love will be changed, and they don't understand why.

as the author of this story, you know every inch and centimeter of the story. you have knowledge that the readers do not---you know how plots connect and the backstory of characters and everything else, but us as the readers don't. so while you can see where all of the issues from previous bad childhood writing are, we don't. we just see something we enjoy, something we like, and we are far less likely to see the flaws, especially if it is something in the future that we don't even have knowledge of yet. so, to the readers, Nego being an "issue" to the story/to characters and needing to be removed just doesn't make as much sense to us as it does to you, because we don't have the knowledge of why he's causing so many issues (even if you try to explain it, its kind of hard to do without potentially spoiling a whole bunch of plots, right?)

Nego was for sure one of my favorite characters. i just liked how silly it was that Vay could have a secret child that literally no one knew about, and I also liked the mystery and angst potential of "how? how did he get this kid?" and then as more was revealed, the "why? why doesn't the mother remember? is this really Vay's child? who is the one that truly doesn't remember?" it was so interesting to me. i was really excited to see how Blizz would react to learning Nego was a real eevee, and actually Vay's child. I would have loved to see Blizz and Nego have a relationship---be it positive or negative.

but i also completely understand that i dont have the context you do, and that i cant see the flaws you can, and i completely understand if things need to be scrapped/changed so you can be happy with your story. its your story, after all, and you should get to choose how you write it, not anyone else

Ah yes, and I agree with/ know all of that, which is why I'm kind of being very vague about what I'm doing. Cause once I say what is ACTUALLY happening, MORE people will flip out. I do see the flaws of the story and I'm aware that people are attached to the characters, but in the long run honestly, its better for everyone, including the characters if I do make these changes, rather than leaving things how they are now so everyone will be disappointed when things are just found out to be- SUPER WEIRD AND NOT MAKING ANY TYPE OF SENSE. Plus ofc, this way it's better for me personally. Like yeah I'd rather write a story that I enjoy, rather than having to keep forcing myself to make sense of writings I made when I just got out of middle school for another decade and a half when I know I can do better. But the thing is! I know people are very attached to the characters in the series, Even Nego! that is why I'm only doing the things that I'm doing with all of these changes now, and not in the past, cause I didn't want to disappoint anyone or make people sad. But doing that kind of just hurt the comic and me. So. I'm just going to do what I want to do, and NeeNee the plushie sounds cute! (Also, this way I can keep Nego in the series without him being a weird after thought. Because with the direction I'm trying to take the series, there is no way he could even be Vay's son.)

#rambles

5 notes · View notes

intervoids · 2 months

Text

silly as it is, as bad as my whiskers are, it surpised me how much of a girl i saw when i was reaching over

maybe its just the tits and the shawl, but i felt my face, even though i honestly hate the angle

but for mere glimpses i see her, just naturally, not like when i pose, i see her living and candid

i see her more and more

its incredible

sometimes i can stare straight at her, and she cant escape, she moves and changes angles but she never goes away

that is like staring into the sun

i would know, ive loved doing that since childhood

but this is like staring into the sun but i dont feel any pain and i dont see worse after, i see so much better, like not literally, its like my outlook is better, everything is better

and i can only sometimes do that, but at this point in my life, thats okay, its not, but i can bear it

i could bare anything for that girl in the mirror who stays there, she looks like her, and i can bear this brutal hardship and this desolate heartbreak

i know, i know, i really not only know, but i believe in what i learned so long ago on tumblr and reddit and in books at the faggy cafe

i know that she's going to be real enough to stay real, she'll be a regular sight

i could paint my first real glimpse of her from memory if i live to be 100 and get beated in the head every day, tragically reducing the odds of success (gotta avoid too much head trauma)

but i will one day see her every day, i almost do now, but only bc im unemployed and i know what she likes and can easily draw her out by indulging her favorite things (which i like, too)

but one day i will live in synch with her, possibly until death, a committment im overjoyed to make and keep and work towards, and one day she will be there, in banal glimpses, and serving

i cant kill myself, i decided these past few weeks

i dont think it would align with my personal code of ethics and morals i learned from Innate Human Intuitive Knowledge (as a child my mind wandered so crazy hard you would not believe how far and how byzantine) and also from observing nature and finding peace within myself

i dont think itd be just, or fair, for her to have had less time than him, so i cant morally kill myself until im at least 52 or 54, having given the girl as much time to live as the boything, were gonna hash it out to that, and not litigate this any further, okay?

i got no patience to be nonbinary for like a decade for no reason, although now that im picturing it, like, honestly, cunt, so potentially 78, but i am not interested in seeing what irritating problems plague my brutalized body in that stage of decline

i am not built to survive, but also my family has a weird habit of living to like 100+ so this might all be cope, or some kind of bargain-bin suicidality

well, hope i remember this in therapy, which i never can. happy to have told a few of you, this is ironclad logic though, 52 is honestly the perfect age to kill myself

4 notes · View notes

notabled-noodle · 2 years

Note

So ive done some thinking about ADHD

And ik this isn't a diagnostic trait

But I've heard lots of psychologists and psychiatrists and even diagnosed people, mention how adhd people keep on making the same mistakes over and over again cuz they "forget" the outcome that they've witnessed every single time

At first when i started wondering whether i had ADHD or not, that didnt sound like me. Im an anxious person, I triple check whatever I'm gonna do before I do it . Odering food online?? I reread the ingredients and the order 4 times before pressing order. Going to use the bus? I check the time schedule over and over even tho ik i cant have seen the wrong timethe 5 times i checked and rechecked it. So basically I usually leave no room for myself to make mistakes and If i make one I take it hard and never ever make it...

Or so i thought.

The respective mistakes that I make dont affect others. Thats the difference. No one else can spot them other than me. Cuz they don't change anyone's day, mood etc

I think that some subtle mistakes that people with adhd could be repeating are:

Sleeping. Every single day, I promise myself to sleep early to atleast get 8 hours of sleep. And every single night I forget my promise and I just end up finding myself thrown in a crazy rabbit hole in the midst of the night and going to sleep real late and getting barely 5 hours of sleep. Do i understand that its a mistake? Yeah. But do I at the moment forget the outcome? Also yeah.

Doing chores such as laundry, the dishes etc. These tasks are the hell of a neurodivergent person whether its due to a sensory issue, procrastination, the task being too boring? Who knows depends on the person. Often times i find my laundry and dishes piling up and i find myself scared of begining. I make excuses, I give myself a hard time cuz if I have time for washing the dishes then I have time to work/study etc. And yet every single time when i get the motivation and energy to do the dishes...i finish quite fast?? And i always regret not washing them?? Like no matter how many times i do the dishes i always end up convincing myself its some huge hard mission that needs total focua and total lack of responsibiliies

Now Idk if all what i said makes sense. Ive barely known about adhd for a year now. I read up on it to understand a friend whom said they believed to have it..and oh god did i hesitate about it in the beginning. But I did a lot of research and ive related to lots of stuff before deciding on self diagnosing. The main problem was that my symptoms presented subtly and it was hard for me to distinguish them.

I'm sending you this long ask cuz I know how knowledgeable you are on this topic and also because I read all of your posts and find myself agreeing with them

Do you think that these traits could be associated with adhd? Also what other times do you believe people with ADHD end up forgetting about an experience they would have learned about quiet fast were they neurotypical?

yeah, this often comes down to impulsivity, short-term memory problems, and not necessarily being able to think about things in a “cause and effect” way.

the anxiety and the desire to check, double-check, and triple-check everything can come as a direct result of years of being punished for impulsivity. over time, people with ADHD can learn what actions have a negative effect on others, and alter their behaviour to suit. it can be a lot harder to do this when you’re the only one suffering the consequences — you need a lot more self-control as opposed to externally enforced rules and boundaries.

in my experience, people with ADHD seem to be fairly good at breaking things down into past self, present self, and future self. the problem is that we see the future self as a completely different person to the present self. i.e. thinking “I’ll be able to do this tomorrow”, despite having no evidence that you’ll magically be able to learn those skills in 24 hours time.

the examples you included were pretty good! other instances of this could be:

procrastinating hygiene related things, even if you have the energy to do them right now — giving your future self those responsibilities because you’d rather be doing something else right now

quitting a bad habit or starting up a new one — you may want to reduce your screen time, but right now you also really want to see that new YouTube video and oh well, might as well start being good about it tomorrow

generally building tasks up in your head to be harder than they actually are, which then causes the tasks to build up, which makes them even harder than they would’ve been if you’d just done it straight away (a vicious cycle)

in behavioural economics, you’d say that someone with ADHD has intense “future discounting”. that is, we predict that the suffering of tomorrow will be less than the suffering of today. and we also predict that the joy of today will be reduced if we saved that joy until tomorrow. it can be challenging for someone with ADHD to process the concept of “delayed gratification”, because we can’t accurately imagine the reality of our future selves.

I hope this answered your question, and that it helped!

#asks #adhd

54 notes · View notes

tojasosbigmek · 24 days

Text

I just cant sleep, and its eclipse time. An intense one. It has been so long since I wrote an actual real rant. I dont even know how and what to begin on. Current feelings: being scared because im emotionally being put out, being vulnerable. Why? Because im tryna let my guards down. Im just so scared. I really do love this man. So im being sad and crying since this started. Purging out old shit that is needed to be let go. If we think about it, it is really a blessing. Everything is, honestly. We always progress forward, we can never go backwards or undo the growth.

Things can suck, but don't be afraid of it. Let it happen, then it will go. The bad feelings, feeling betrayed, broken, like wanting to die, they are all extremely bad and intense feelings but they pass. Which is still an interesting and new thing for me. I prolly never let things go, and im learning it how to. But it is also quite common for people to bottle up.

Honestly, im just happy to just be. It is always getting better. You know, it cant be peaceful only, things break down and start, there is chaos before peace, and there is silence before the storm. And it is how it is. It cannot be any different and it is unimaginable to live in complete peace. We sometimes experience downfall, breaking, sadness, depression, mental breakdowns, losses of all kinds, but then, there is space for something new. There are endless possibilities, and you know, this is just awesome and just feels so justifying and feels like i cracked the code, the code that mostly no one understands and do not make any steps to do so. They stop there, they have their reality that way, and they stay there, even though they are suffering. Because they are the suffer themselves. You can't see more of the world than what you can see right now. It is simple as that. Sounds like every reality is real and valid, but honestly, as someone that is over a lot of hardships and kinda found peace in living, i feel like i have lived in an illusion. Well, everything is one. If we get out of something, we can see it as something different. A dream is only unreal when we are woken up. So, shifting is always something we need to change. What initiates change? Thats a more complex thing for me to simply answer. It's like, if there was a potential in our core what we use. We can say its our path to go. It's written. But, honestly, its not written, its just that time is not real, we experience everything at once but we like to be in different dimensions of existence, where time is being percieved. So, you basically know everything. Everything, you were, you are and you will be, if we think in the time existence. But, you are not you, you are you with every other beings so there is no them against you but only you.

With all of this knowledge, its hard to actually live on Earth. Im hardly staying here. Im not compatible with this place because i dont belong here anymore, hence my growth stage. But i came here because i wanted to. So now, even tho I am hardly alive here, I try to be more compatible with this place and try to give meaning of my stay.

There are things I still don't know, so yeah, I still have place here thankfully. Like, I don't know why love hormones do not fill my body, while I know that I am in love. What is this whole thing tho? When am I attached for traumatic reasons, regarding only myself vs. when I actually love the other person? If a person is someone I actually need because they give something I dont have yet, thats temporary and is not lasting. Its karmic. Its intense. If its not intense, but I rather see with my third eye, that its something to keep and cherish, and just me having unconditional love towards a person, thats a whole different thing. Seems like something I kinda have the control over. But, even if we cant have control, we dont need that. We just need to stay in touch with ourselves, and let the flow happen, which is not painful.

Even if im writing this out, I will not actively think about it. I don't even need to tho, cuz its all in me. I wish to release whats not serving me, what is not supposed to be there, and I'm willing to let go of these emotions, I'm willing to relive what I could not process before, to process it now. I don't care about what people think because they don't know anything. They are programmed by society.

I have to say, I am also scared of studying, because I am scared that I will fail. I think about it differently, but this is how I feel, because I store this.

I feel like I could talk and talk and talk never endingly.

0 notes

imaslothandsowhat · 2 months

Text

still unemployed. also, highly anxious and have creeping depression coming back. home situation so stressful with the whole home renovation. we dont have any help and im incapable of doing everything my parents want me to do. i keep having pestering health issues. i dont get enough sleep and i think i have very strong case of insomnia fuelled by horrible anxiety. home renovation is so stressful and shit doesnt work bcos both my parents are old and, well, im not a fucking builder so i dont do it either. they keep having constant bickering to full blown out fights. i cant even clean the house, im so exhausted all the time. i think tis the atmosphere in the house - depressing and hopeless, we all succumbed to it. i dont know how to escape. also, reading horror stories - that may have influenced my mental state in one way or another, who knows, at least it keeps me happy bcos im lost in another book.

i try to write. finished one shot. writing another one, a very long one. i have many ideas for fanfics but then i get discourages bcos 'those are just fanfics'. they are not going to get me employed or recognised in any way. its not a published book draft. i cant force myself write an analytical piece of essay on politics - it bores me, kills me. i want to be educated and i try to read some academic articles but i cant physically force myself to open one. also, i want to and, actually, just have to read and learn the laws (plural, yes, so fucking many) of my country so i can be an educated citizen that knows her rights. its intimidating, its a lot, i want to cry often bcos i feel like a failure.

im so old and i dont have a job even though i graduated bachelors already a year ago. i shouldve found smthgn by now. but i dont want any job, i want smthng nice and worthy of m and my time and my knowledge. but i suppose im also very lazy and passive. i thought about starting a youtube channel, but thats also a lot of effort. a lot of energy.

all my energy goes to surviving day by day in this depressed household whre my father is always angry, tired, unhappy and my mother is always angry, tired, unhappy. see, a pattern? i am, too, always angry, tired, unhappy. when things go well, we cherish and we dont do anything. then, things swiftly go to shit and i feel sm anxiety that i feel my heart bursting and bleeding and i dont have any meds (except simple calming one) to help me. i want to cry, often, more often.

i began my singing online classes. it felt like a lot of fun and i enjoyed it. i want to begin my piano classes too, slowly. but then, i feel like a failure bcos its not a job. i dont work. i dont get money. i dont develop myself career-wise. everythign i do and enjoy slightly - its all a mess, its all unworthy, its all pointless. i dont help around the house, i dont help with renovations, i dont work. im nothing, i worth nothing. i dont have a job and im nothing, i dont have a career and how dare i dream big, how dare i be ambitious.

very depressive state of mind. my mind is haunted, i suppose, its hunted even by these sharks of anxiety and self-hatred ingrained so deep within me that it takes me so many years to unlearn that no, in fact, killing oneself is not a logical decision and hating every inch of your being and your personality is, in fact, not a healthy and cool attitude.

well, doing it all little by little. might read some academic articles, might not. who knows? no one fucking hires me regardless of how many cvs i send. my country is rotting, decaying from blatant nepotism and corruption. how will i move through it? i do not know. but i put too much energy already in my beautiful hobbies, in helping around the house, in keeping myself and my parents sane and not going off the rockers. its a full time job, actually! i try to soothe myself before i sleep bcos i wish only to cry and scream bcos how dare my fate not be what i have imagined all these months ago.

the world is cruel, unhappy, damp place. and i think im falling through it. but im trying to remember that this all is just a temporary feeling and i will feel better soon, maybe even tomorrow. my hobbies make sense, they are worth the time, worth my energy. i must try to enjoy my life even though i feel like its running away and i am worthless and my mom's words about 'doing something, write something, DO SOMETHING' are not helping. i simply want to decompose, cease to move forever. why time flies so fast? its already the third month of the year and i havent accomplished anything. work-wise, i guess. mentally? im down again. why life is like this.

tmrw i believe things will be better even though i cant for the life of me force myself to fall asleep early bcos my thoughts are killing me, eating me from the inside. i cant for the life of me force myself to wake up early bcos the dread of the day filled with depressive state horrifies me. what a cycle i live in. i dont know how to get out. and my depressed and angry parents are not helping. and i do not want to leave my house, pls do not suggest, im so sick of this stupid suggestion.

#personal rant

1 note · View note

lostacelonnie · 9 months

Note

Gotta keep that hope around for sure i will keep my fingers crossed for you. Oh that is a win win i gotta remember that, i say as if adhd wont make me forget. I usually just look for em to see like. What kinds are around. Whole ones. Broken ones. Weird shapes. Its interesting. Dont take any with me though. That. Makes me wonder how they teach english over there. Honestly yeah i look for a name in the bio or just. Shorthand the username somehow because i gotta have some way to refer to people. I havent used a bio in years so people use my username all the time. Oooh norway i have always wanted to go there. I dont camp as much as id like to but i should more tbh. I have seen her stacks & i gotta say. Clara is wild cant believe i let her sit unused. I dunno how much ill get but im gonna for sure be savin as i can. I think that one is last yeah. I am always interested at the start but fade by the end because the new stuff always slows down. Same ive been playing indies more like gris & obra dinn. To try & branch out. Good story annoying exploration is chasm in a nutshell yeah. True big cities be like that. I live in a smaller one now so very little happens. Mine hold dye decently well which i appreciate. Just wish we had true permanent dye. Maybe one day. Thats how i am with nail polish i always get it on the sides & mess up but ive gotta just. Be patient & let myself learn. Happy 1.2 star rail update

sorry for the late reply shfjglk i truly have no excuse other than "i was holed up in my room in an attempt to avoid interaction with my grandma but i accidentally also avoided interaction with Everyone Else" so im. So sorry ab that. COMING BACK hehe thankies!! if things go wrong i guess ill just move out for a while and then come back Suspiciously A Different Gender. nobodys gonna know. but yeah good luck on remembering that shdjfk!! and ahh thats fair i just usually visit pretty big beaches so theres not many around by the time i get there. english is taught just so you know the language but following the education system without external classes will get you a2 knowledge At Best and its getting worse with each year so. lol. and yeah frfr i use usernames as names alllll the time...... norway is very fun i recommend it!! esp if you prefer colder climates like i do. ahhh understandable!! i dont actually. own a tent but as i said, maybe one day. id rather go with friends tho which is a problem in on itself cos i dont have that many friends that actually know each other. unless i go with my photo camp friends. thats an Idea actually. YEAH CLARA IS GREAT.... i unfortunately dont have her quite built [terrible relic luck...... plus ive been more focused on trying to prepare for kafka recently] but seeing as shes my main [despite having jing yuan] i Will get her better stuff someday. i have 140 pulls rn so im equally nervous as i am excited. yeah it really Is like that bc im always paranoid ab spoilers so i always do at least the new story as fast as i can. except for right now as i still havent played the new honkai chapter [but tbf my game only managed to download the update yesterday, 3 days after the launch of 6.8] and i honestly dont have the energy to do it today so maybe tomorrow. ah that sounds fun!! i came back to minecraft recently idk why but ive been having a Great time. after 130 in-game days i am finally no longer homeless. and oh when i get older id like to move to a smaller city [since i like having things close but dont like having drama all the time] but im still thinking ab where. ah thats cool...... i tried looking for the dye that i used on camp but couldnt find it. rip. and yeah same tbh thats why i never paint my nails. and yeah happy star rail 1.2 o)-( i like the double planar ornament event since thats the only thing im missing for kafkas things......

#but at least it turns out that when im sealed away in my room im also extremely productive in drawing and writing #asks #pen pals

0 notes

mrfoox · 2 years

Text

It's insane how much shit I don't do unless I actively force myself, it's concerning

#miranda talking shit #Im disgusting on main again but like personal hygiene is a major thing #I can go weeks and even a month without showering and for me thats not really an issue #I dont have own thoughts that are like 'im dirty i need to clean myself or even i want to'#Like i just tell myself 'aw man its been two-three days i better do it or people will find me disgusting'#I keep myself clean for others mainly tbh. If i would know i wouldnt see any other human for weeks id let myself go #And then theres many if not most people who shower almost every day without fail and enjoy it ... I feel like an dirty alien #Csnt discuss it with anyone either bc then others are just disgusted with me whelp #Now ive learned its pretty common for people with autism to have problems with this sort of thing but for a long time i just thought i was #Sick in the head. I mean i guess i am but like... Knowing why makes it easier to manage and accept i guess #The only things i have an internal clock for that tells me i need is bathroom breaks. Sleep and eat. Everything else i need to remind #And force myself to do and its uh.... I never talk about it bc its weird. Majority of my friends think im... Well not normal but ya know #Not super sick or whatever. But these sorta invisible things are really a big struggle for me and i can never discuss them lol #Most of my friends know i got autism but 95% of them have a limited knowledge of that diagnosis so they are usually like 'oh social things #Are hard for you ok' but then i also have an entire suitcase with basic things i struggle to manage bc my brain is like this and no one #Know about it. Im sure many of my friends wonder why im not... Studying or working or doing something productive #Bc i dont... Sound sick or look sick. How the fuck does one explain you struggle to function on a basic level to normal people #Part of me hates... Being able to fit in at an glance. Like i am odd but unless i explain anything i can pass for normal #Always feel like i need to explain and justify myself bc of it i guess... And i cant or dont dare #Many of my friends are well... I guess positive which is cool but being told you can do things you cant is maddening #If i ever get work it wont be 9-5 and it wont be 5+ days per week ill never be able to do that and keep myself alive #Some of my friends are like... Oh you can be anything you want (: and i mean nice thought and sentiment but very untrue #Im genuinely banned from doing some careers with my diagnose and since i dont have the drive to persue anything im uh yea #Sure people like me can have pretty normal life and learn to manage it well but um i cant see myself doing that #I'll learn to manage better as i age but I'll never have a stable job or/and get married and have 2.5 kids and a house #And having an friend whos becoming an doctor. One whos an dentist surgeon and another who's studying high level of things its like uh #Im the garbage gremlin of any friend group and anytime someone tries to talk about what i want in life when it comes to career im like :)#I wanted to be a debtist wgen i was 8 and after that ive had no genuine want for an career. I thought driving a train would be cool but im #Not allowed to do that bc i got add/autism and not 20/20 eyesight uuuh... Also had an idea to become an watch repair person but i cant with #My tremor. Those have been my three ideas for things my entire life then i got nothing. I dont have any plans i just try to stay alive

4 notes · View notes

alittleemo · 4 years

Text

#So i learned my lesson last time i tried to make a long post in all tags so i gotta be brief ig this time (she deleted last time)#to preface: i dont understand how to use social media #everytime i use facebook?? Makes me want to throw up i Hate it #but INSTAGRAM is my problem here kids bc i simply Do Not Understand how to use it #my sister is def like the preppier more ~socially knowledgeable~ one of us (which is funny bc i have an insta and she doesnt)#but my two main problems with insta are this:#1. I Can Not bring myself to follow people #it does not matter whether you are a friend or literally my cousin for the most part i just Can Not bring myself to press that button #why you ask #bc of my fav phenomenon “everyone i know has forgotten me” + “i cant reach out to other people” ✨#however the opposite is also true in that ppl i dont know are requesting to follow me and i happened to mention it to my sister #and she was like follow them back dumbass and i was like but i dont know them??? Ive never heard of this person before???#she was p much like you should let them followyou bc you should have more followers that following and i was like hmm failed that :/#im p much gonna stop taking her advice but ugh im just frustrated #like the other day i actually followed a friend of mine bc he had been talking about hisinsta so i took it as an opportunity yk??#and his brother followed me too which i was like ok hes chill were friends w/e weird that he followed me before his brother but ok #(the first kid followed me back later but n e ways and im p sure he did both follows bc he apparently has access to his brothers account )#but like the fact i had to remove my phone from my area after sending the first follow bc it took energy was just ~depressing~#i am ~pathetic~#and i wanna keep insta bc i dont get to see so many ppl now but like i just wanted to complain thanks i apologize if you read this far #personal #about me #i need a rant tag ugh #lee’s bullshit #oh my god i jsut realized its 930 i haven’t eaten dinner bc i ate like half a pizza at 345 and im still not rlly hungry #ill eat i promise tho love yall

0 notes

thefanficmonster · 3 years

Text

Begone

Streamer Gang & Asexual Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Acephobia, Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having recently come out as asexual, Y/N faces some less than pleasant or appropriate responses in their chat during their stream with the gang. Luckily, they’re not alone in battling the haters this time.

Requested by the lovely Anon who told acephobes to begone, yeah you know who you are hehe. Thank you so much for the request darling! Let’s show these acehobes who they’re messing with! Love, Vy ❤

Boy is this nerve-wrecking or what? Sure, I maybe woke up with a ton of confidence, I listened to motivational and uplifting talks and listened to mood boosting music. I had a healthy breakfast and a cup of coffee. Damn it, I went on a run, all in an attempt to convince myself that dealing with the online world again is but a piece of cake for a badass like me. Well, low and behold, that feeling didn’t last very long. Here I am, chewing my nails off at the though of hopping in the Discord call and Among Us lobby with my friends and starting my stream. It’s not like I’m not expecting my friends and fans to support me - of course I am! I know they’re gonna give me a ton of love and appreciation and support and uplift me no matter what. But then again, there’s still those people who believe me and other people like me to be invalid and broken and whatnot.

Those are the ones I wanna avoid.

It’s not like their words mean much to me but I simply don’t wanna see em, you know? It’s not only about me - it’s least about me actually - it’s more about all those wonderful people they are insulting when they say shit like that about asexuals and all the people on the ace spectrum. I can’t help but flare up and get angry on the behalf of all my ace friends and even people I’ve never met.

It’s also my first time being directly thrown into the fire instead of getting caught in the crossfire seeing as how I came out to my fandom via a tweet and an Instagram post a week ago, telling my identity’s truth: finally bringing my asexuality to the surface to shine its brightest so I can be be my best and reach for my full potential.

But damn am I afraid to see how everyone took it.

My friends were quick to jump in and take me offline before I start refreshing my own posts to see the comments under them. Lord knows that without them I would’ve driven myself insane, I’ll forever be grateful for what they did and the lengths they went to to keep me offline and whatnot. One word to give you an idea of how invested they were in this: origami. All of us might as well have been born with two left hands and yet we still tried doing origami. Freaking origami.

Damn do I love my friends.

But now I don’t have sheets of paper and my friends to distract me. I have a fanbase to entertain and another friend group I haven’t talked to in a while. I don’t wanna get any predictions in already so I don’t jinx myself, so I’m just gonna say it’s gonna be...interesting regardless of what happens.

Then again, when is it not interesting when the streamer gang’s involved.

Deep breaths, Y/N. You got this

Listening to that encouraging little voice inside my head, I finally equip my headphones and in one fluid motion turn my camera on, officially starting my stream and unmuting my mic as I hop in the call with everyone.

“Hi guys! Guess who’s returned!“ I exclaim cheerfully, desperate to hide the nervousness of my voice.

“You really missed your opportunity to say ‘guess who’s back...back again’ didn’t you?“ Charlie is the one who greets me first, sounding rather disappointed in me in his usual jokester manner. It’s nice to hear, it makes me feel like nothing’s changed in the week I’ve been gone. Like I’m still the same person to these people. I really am the same, I just now am a lot better version of myself. Almost as though I’ve reached my final form. It feels empowering really. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” Charlie laughs again, “Congrats, by the way. You keep proving you can get cooler and cooler.“

“Careful there Charlie, I can only handle so large of an ego.“ I joke back, rolling my eyes playfully as a wide grin spreads across my face, “No, but seriously, thank you so much, man. It means the world to me that you support me.“

“Um, how could we NOT?“ That’s very clearly Rae, “Hun, you are so brave and amazing and wonderful, how could we ever NOT support you?“

“Yeah, we’ll always support you no matter what, Y/N. We’ll always be your friends, through thick, thin and beyond.“ Poki too interferes, her words only making my smile wider.

“Alright, alright, y’all are gonna make me cry and I haven’t even read my chat yet, hold on.“ I say, fanning my face to dry the tears I hope the webcam isn’t spotting, “Darn, you guys are the best. Sorry, give me a sec to gather my composure, I’ll be right back.“

I quickly mute my in-game mic as I turn to my chat where I see the same amount of love and support in the form of comments and emojis flooding in from my viewers. A warm feeling spreads throughout my chest, making me feel the most comfortable with myself I’ve ever felt. The most loved I’ve ever felt. The most seen and understood. To finally be you feels like you are finally really living in this world, not like you’ve been already living in it for God knows how long. It makes me so freaking happy and fulfilled to finally be living as me, as the real me.

Unfortunately, in life, nothing can be 100% pure and good. There’s always at least 1% there threatening to ruin all your happiness you worked so hard to build or obtain. It may be one in a hundred, but fuck it’s powerful and effective.

And in my case it comes in the form of two comments that stick out to my eyes. Acephobic comments saying my identity’s fake, claiming I’m faking it, saying us acephobes are immature creatures who refuse to grow up, or attention whores. Or just saying we’re delusional and in denial, confused about who we are.

I hadn’t even realized I was clenching my jaw and fists but when I do, I slowly relax my muscles and crack my knuckles before addressing the two people who spat out that nonsense.

“Ok, listen here, shooterpro69 and yourmom_lol. For starters, I want to apologize for your ignorance and lack of education on the matter of asexuality. In fact, for you especially, I plan on making an educational video, explaining asexuality to people who need or want to learn more. You, my friends, are in desperate need to be fed some knowledge cause damn, God knows how many people secretly think you’re hella stupid. Not that they’re wrong to think so but anyway. Unless you have anything nice or positive to say, begone from my chat. Actually, when I think about it, begone from every chat. No one needs you polluting their communities with acephobia and hate.“ I say, all spoken in a calm tone despite the boiling anger within me. People who know me well would probably be able to tell I’m fuming underneath the calm façade, but at least I got my message across loud and clear.

“WOO HOO, You tell em Y/N!“ Toast cheers, clapping his hands and whistling as more cheering arises from each my friends, leaving me in a state of mild shock and confusion.

Wait, what?!

“Um, wait, you guys heard that?“ I ask, my eyes darting to thein-game mic symbol that shows an not crossed-off mic, meaning it was enabled during the entirety of my speech.

“Hell yeah we did! You slayed them, Y/N! Damn goddamn!“ Rae whistles too, her enthusiasm wafting over me like a breath of fresh air.

“I second that!“ Corpse joins in, “And remember what we said - we’ll support you through anything. Need to bury an acephobe’s body, we’re the people you should call.” He says, confident as heck.

And I just can’t hold it in anymore - I burst out laughing, doubling over from the intensity.

If I thought I was happy and fulfilled before, this has to be the closest to paradise I’m gonna get on Earth. All thanks to these wonderful people. Friends are really something else aren’t they: they come into your life - often unexpectedly - and change it completely. Suddenly you’re not alone, you’re not forced to deal with everything and face everything on your own. Someone’s got your back and you’ve got theirs.

Through thick, thin and beyond.

And it’s so fucking amazing.

@maat-the-prescriptive @simonsbluee @save-the-sky @itsminniekat @hacker-ghost @bi-andready-tocry @imtiredaffff @jazzkaurtheglorious @hereforbeebo @fandomgirl17 @chrysanthykios @maehemscorpyus @loraleiix @letsloveimagines @annshit @i-cant-choose-a-username-help @enigmaticmaze @divine-artemis @waterlilypat @idontknowwhatthisisfam @evi-ka @classyandfabulous00 @redperson58 @lilysdaydreams @solowheein @mythicalamphitrite @axen-gers @luckygirl144 @nj01 @buddyemily @the-albino-lioness @stardream14 @gdhdkfnn @nomadicgypsyy @preciousskye @fluffysuicideunicornsworld @o-kaelin @manacharlotte @awkward-youtube-trash @lolalee24 @bonky-beerns @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian @strawbrinkofdeath @teenloves @tams0527 @browneyespinkhair @starstruckllamapuppy @daisychains012 @y0ulooked @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life @jula-pauline @melodykitty @just-that-bi-girl @crazybutconfidentaf @lowellshade @alphakees @bellero @weallneednamjesus @starryhanji @boiled-onionrings @husherstan @fockingwhore @melaningoddessthings @prettypastelpetals @haleypearce @godwhyamiawkward @y-napotat @daisychainyoonmin @little-miss-rebel3 @free-wheelin-bi-sexual @redmoon261 @darkacademic2 @wiseflamingoqueen @into-the-end @namikhai-i @nastiablr @thelittleplantlover @mirktuan @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny @vintagegothlover @easygoingtheatre @itsrandombooklover @miiaivi @emmybaybee @befourgolden @jjk-is-my-shit @eternalteaaars @spacebadgerx @princesslunalight @acequinn14 @samm48 @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa @fo-love @marishimomura-blog @therealglenncoco @cinnamonbun332 @killtherandomness @sanshinexxxsan @fee-btheweeb @press-lay @cathleenpotgieter16 @jazzydoesstuff @moonlxghtbay @forestrain2000 @hyunjinhugs @blood-of-fandoms @lovellylies @ukiyolixx @simpforhpcharacters @chrisdylan17 @parkerjisung @pedernille @theodonyous @wineandionysus @malfoystilinskii05 @morbid-x @coryisagee @jessewa26 @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365 @raeanneinwonderland @indecisive-empanada @gluttonypalace @loriane2503 @btsiguess-kpop @khaoticbunny @lucidlycactus @smiithys @rottenroyalebooks @kpopgirlbtssvt @fangirl-tc27 @fr0z3n-1 @notmesimpingfortechno @shotarosleftpinky @kunoi-chan @idk-whats-wrong-with-me @yikeroonie @goldenstarofthunderclan @poetry-and-tea @ama-do-writing-stuff @wishbonewolf @emeraldxhope @t0xick1tty @kusuinko @speakyourselfloveyourself @sophia902103 @lo-manburg @classsykittykat @dmgama @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee @btsiguess-kpop @akaashi-baby @gun-jong-simp @geschichtenfee @yerapotato-wp @browneyedgirl365 @thysagclub @sparklycloudnight @helloatomicshadow @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal @lucy-bunny17 @aaliyahh0 @katluckybear @boyleanti @straybids @franchesca-791 @cosmicstorm19 @averyisbackinthetrashcan @aomi-nabi @xlanawriter @allensimpsforcorpse @sunnyrae-cessh @ladykxxx08 @meowiemari

99 notes · View notes

wisteria-lodge · 3 years

Text

exploded bird + lion secondary (badger model)

Good afternoon Wisteria! I was hoping for your input with my sorting. This MAY become a novel, and i apologize ahead of time for that. Hopefully its interesting, if nothing else.

I am having trouble with both my primary and secondary. Ive thought i had it figured out so many times and then i would reanalyze myself and get confused. So i guess ill start with primaries. I can tell you for sure that i am not a snake primary. I just cant love another person quite like that. I grew up in a very snake primary environment and never felt i really fit in. I really appreciate snakes and i understand them, but i dont think i am one. I also very much pride myself on my individuality and dont bond to groups so i believe that may rule out badger. I think ive narrowed it down to exploded bird or really confused lion.

Interesting. So far so good. Let’s hear what you’ve got.

Right now in life, with all the information coming at me, all the data, all of the twists and turns, media bias, conspiracy theories, rabbit holes and objective realities, i cant figure out the truth.

… sounds like an Exploded Bird to me.

I think all theories are worth investigating and rabbit holes are fun. But i hate hypocrisy. And its everywhere.

I mean, everyone hates hypocrisy… but I think Birds find it *unforgivable.*

I cant organize all of this information.

Exploded Bird.

Dude. Whats gonna happen if deep fake becomes the norm?

eh, Photoshop has been the norm for a long time and we do okay. Some fakes have always been better than others, and there have always been fakes.

I feel like the safest thing to do is to fully understand myself. Then i can analyze and understand the world.

I would agree with that.

I would say that hands down i was an exploded bird, but i feel very strongly about things right away. But then i learn about them more and if my feelings were wrong, ok. Whatever.

This is still Bird. It’s not that Birds can’t feel strongly about things right away. They do, they just don’t feel safe TRUSTING those feelings. Instead they do… exactly what you’re describing here. Learn more, and then if it turns out their initial feelings were wrong… that’s fine, actually. The feelings are of secondary importance.

BUT i also WANT black and white. I want right and wrong. Grey, though necessary and true, bugs me.

… there’s a reason why I call young Birds Black-and-White Birds.

Deep down i crave to just understand something as it is. But one persons truth is not anothers. I get that. But it still bothers me in my bones.

That’s a very Bird primary angst. Birds can have this *fantasy* that if only everyone had all the information and thought it though properly, that everyone would come to the same (correct) conclusion. And then have to grapple with the fallout when they realize things don’t work that way. As a Lion… I’ve never had to fight that particular monster.

I can also seem like i make snap decisions based on feelings to others, but i just know what i want. If something sounds good, i want to do it. At that moment. No hesitation… i think im meshing into secondary territory here

I agree. Improvisational secondary, sounds like.

so ill just go with it. So my bedroom walls are lilac purple and my kitchen is BRIGHT yellow, because those colors sounded interesting. At that moment. I tend to jump into a project having no idea what im doing. I just thought it sounded like fun.

Comfortable making decisions on a whim, just jumping in. Very improvisational.

But thats not really a way to problem solve. When i start said project and then run into a problem, usually ill read about it, or ask someone who knows more than me. The “i know a guy” bird kind of applies here. I know how to make connections within my community and i plan for that. I think about who would be useful to know, based on my goals.

You know, this could be Bird. But I’m kind of skewing more Badger because of the emphasis on community and asking for help. And keeping an eye on ‘who is powerful, who is useful to know’ is a pretty common Badger secondary model manifestation.

But i dont think i build tools like a bird. In fact, binge watching videos on how to do something annoys me. Takes all the fun out of it.

I still think you’re an Improvisational secondary - and a Badger secondary model is *more* likely than a Bird secondary model.

I am always honest with people and i like that about me, but its not out of some need to stay true to myself. Its just because i have learned that honesty works the best most of the time.

So not Lion *primary* then. This is all about method. You don’t lie, because you don’t find it to be a very practical problem-solving method. Being very direct does work, so at this point… Lion is more likely than snake.

Now, dont get me wrong, i am an excellent liar. But only if its on the fly.

Hmm. Maybe a Snake who’s in neutral all the time?

This conflicts big time with my primary, however, so i rarely ever do.

Interesting. Lying conflicts with your (hypocrisy hating) Bird primary, so you don’t do it. Instead you are very direct, and that works well for you. You *can* lie (on the fly) but you generally don’t. Neutral Snake? Snake secondary model? Depending on how you define lying, could even be Courtier Badger. (I am ruling out constructed Actor Bird.)

I feel like ive gone all over the place in a highly disorganized way, so i will state that now i am going to give some anecdotal data. One time, as an adult, i was hanging out with a bunch of kids on a hayride. A little boy killed a butterfly. I was outraged. I called him out. I told him that he just took away the only life that creature would ever have and that was cruel.

Very loud Idealist primary.

This somehow turned into a question and answer school session about human biology, mammals and why on earth is water in a cup clear, but when you dive into the ocean, its blue?

Some kind of social secondary… and I know the obvious thing is to say 'trotting out a lot of facts, that’s bird.’ But I’m seeing you defuse a situation by leveraging your immediate community (Q&A session)? Badger.

I like being the person that gets the scary bugs out of the house because i feel brave when i do.

Sounds pretty Lion secondary.

When in an emergency situation i completely disconnect and become a calm, knowledgeable person.

This is actually a pretty common just, human thing. When things get bad enough, your lizard brain takes over, and everything is very calm and dreamlike.

I suddenly magically know what needs to be done and work with my environment.

Improvisational secondary.

Im also very aware of how everyone else is doing in that situation and i have an innate need to make people feel better so im usually the first to lighten the mood. Ill focus on others before myself if im hurt. Im more aware of how they are doing than how i am doing and i will make an effort to help them first.

Ah yes, the 'tend and befriend’ threat response. Very familiar. And yeah, going from this description I’m going to say very social badger.

In video games… skyrim is best here i think. I want to be a sneaky mage thief. But when something attacks me, without thinking i run right up to it and hit it with my fists without armor.

lol lion. (The classic Badger secondary strategy is BUFF ARMOR. I always play tanks.)

But i get really sad if its an animal.Those wolf whimpers get to me every time.

No one likes the wolf whimpers.

Ok. Ok. Ive rambled enough. Thank you for reading! Any input is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

Exploded Bird, easy. And probably a Lion secondary with a very social Badger secondary model that’s working well for you.

#sortinghatchats #bird lion #birdpri #lionsec #badger secondary model #courtier badger #sortme #wisteria sorts #exploded bird

16 notes · View notes

microcroft · 3 years

Note

Speaking of Merlin fics, if you don't mind, do you have any recommendations? I'd really appreciate it since Big ADHD means I have little patience for finding good ones -.-'

okay this was sent back in april but tumblr is garbage and i didn't see i had any new messages until right now?? im so sorry Anyway i fuckin get that my dude, except like my adhd does the opposite specifically with merlin fanfiction for the past year which has been my hyperfixation and i have been using to cope with a multitude of issues so you are in luck (if you still want recommendations) because i created a collection of my favorite fics that i am adding to a lot because i read a, quite frankly, concerning amount of merlin fics (there are some non merlin/arthur in it but its mostly merlin/arthur fics)

https://archiveofourown.org/collections/bestfunnylittlemagictwinkfics but more specifically, the ones that immediately come to mind are the long but very good ones that live rent free in my mind, in no particular order, there are a bunch in the collection which are just as good but I am really tired right now and dont want to make this post extremely long so I just want to make sure you (and whoever else may be reading this) know about these ones:

Born of Magic - "Set after 1x13. When Arthur learns he is of magic, he decides it's time to grow out of Uther's shadows. Secrets are revealed, and Arthur comes to learn just how far his father is willing to go in his war against magic. With Merlin on his side, can Arthur build the kingdom he was destined to create?" Arthur has his own cool special brand of Once and Future King magic, merlin also he is adopted by a unicorn.

Para Bellum - "After Merlin goes missing, Arthur forges new alliances to repel a deadly threat to Camelot. Nothing will stop Arthur from finding Merlin, and nothing will stop Merlin from protecting Arthur -- no matter the cost." I will never get enough married Merlin and Arthur fics and this is

The Care and Keeping of Camelot - "With Arthur dead, Camelot's destiny has soured--if it was ever any good to begin with. Gwen is fed up with grief and mediocrity and takes matters into her own hands, returning to the start to make a better Camelot or break history trying. Knighthood, rekindling her first love, and Merlin's silly almanac are all just byproducts." Post Canon Gwen is sent back in time by Merlin fix Camelot using what they learned. Featuring Morgana and Gwen having homoerotic sword fighting lessons and Merlin and Gwen's mlm/wlw solidarity.

For Want of A Nail- "Fleeing from Essetir in the bloody beginnings of the Purge, Hunith finds herself on the doorstep of old friends. That's all it takes to untangle the skeins of destiny and weave a new tapestry." Canon rewrite set in an alternate universe where Merlin grows up with Leon as his adoptive big brother, he has a very good dog, he and Leon give morgana a puppy for her birthday (very important to me), there's a whole lot of pagan rituals (which i fucking love), and merlin is a badass with a staff and throwing knives.

pretty much every CaffeinatedFlumadiddle merlin fic I have read, they are genuine comedic gold and so fucking well written it blows my mind. but out of all of their fics my faves are: Calling the Middle Man (Lancelot's characterization in my head is now entirely based upon this fic) and Thick as Sorcerers (the cat scene had me dying, and also gwen and elyan's dynamic in this fic is so fucking good)

Next to You (It's The Rule) - In which Merlin and Arthur are pining for each other and basically married, and everyone knows it, Merlin is a little shit, and all of Camelot and other kingdoms love him and see him as their ruler because he is honestly running half the kindom. Merlin and Arthur cant cope with being separated from each other, and when they get into a fight the whole kingdom goes into a panic.

(how do i do a secondary bullet???) (i really do love this fic so much, i love reading merlin and arthur being dumbasses together and co-running camelot and the majority of this fic is so unique, funny and like exactly what i look for in fics, so please dont brush it off just based off of this but i want to state that im not a fan of the genuinely-calling-merlin-queen bit. it was funny at the beginning but it did get taken a bit too far at the end in my opinion. i get that it is fantasy medieval times and it makes sense that people probably dont quite grasp that there can be two kings, i could write a whole essay on this topic but in the end it does make me feel uncomfortable, a bit like forcing heteronormativity when you dont have to because its fantasy medieval times not actual medieval times, and misgendering- it honestly did trigger my dysphoria a bit at the end but there is so much in this fic that is so good I can't not recommend it.)

okay there we go im cutting myself off now. if you want any more fics or to talk about merlin at all hmu i mostly just send shit to my friend who has never watched the show but probably has an extensive knowledge on it just from the shit i have been sending her like every day for the past year lmao.

#merlin #merthur #fic rec #fearoffalling #life #haleigh gets talked to

30 notes · View notes

thegraystreaks · 4 years

Text

hi everyone, i have been plagued with some Very Painful Thoughts™️ about percabeth post-tlo/pre-hoo. i don’t have the energy or emotional capacity to turn them into a fic but theyve been bouncing around in my head for a week and i need someone else to hurt with me. if you’re just trying to be happy today and celebrate our boy’s birthday in peace keep scrolling but if you want to Hurt come with me on this journey!!!

annabeth post-tlo is Clingy with percy...and he loves it but he’s also a little overwhelmed/confused, bc it’s like...all the time. she's always touching some part of him, holding his hand or tucked into his side or brushing her fingers across his arm

and he cant believe that she wants to spend time with him as much as he wants to spend time with her, that SHE’S the one always suggesting they sneak off to the canoe lake during those last two weeks of camp (not just to kiss, although they do a lot of that, but to talk and hang out without prying eyes)

he keeps catching her looking at him with some strange expression he cant quite decipher but it’s full of emotion and he doesn’t know what it means!!

and it finally all comes out when he wakes up from a nap (hello curse of achilles!!) and she’s there, running her hands through his hair (his gray streak in particular bc duh) and she’s crying

he panics for a sec bc whats wrong?!? but he just holds her and says “hey, it’s okay, i’m here, i’ve got you” and she just cries harder and finally says “i just can’t believe you’re still here”

and she tells him about how she was terrified for years that she was gonna lose him, her best friend, when he turned 16. (might i remind you!! chiron showed her the full prophecy when she was 10!!) she’s an exposed nerve, a ball of emotions..... our weepy annabeth just crying and crying and “i can’t believe you’re still here, i can’t believe i get to keep you”

percy’s mind is reeling about what it all must have been like for her, and she says “some days it hurt to even look at you. you were right there, and i was mourning you. you were right there and i missed you already.”

and percy gets it then, why she always needs to be near him these days. to remind herself he survived, that he’s still here

percy thinks about what it would be like becoming her best friend, spending years attached at the hip like they were, developing feelings for her, all with the knowledge of her most-probable death at 16

he thinks it’d be like growing up with a knife in his chest that no one else could see, like feeling it twist every time she smiled at him. remembering her fate in the middle of an everyday conversation and feeling like he’d been slapped across the face

she tells him she’d constantly teetered between trying to ignore her feelings and praying to every god to protect him. she’d pray for them to give her more information about the prophecy, pray that there was some double meaning in the prophecy she just didn’t understand yet

DONT think about him holding her, comforting her, saying “you don’t have to miss me anymore. i’m right here.” DONT think about him promising, “i’m not going anywhere”

and WHATEVER YOU DO please DO NOT THINK ABOUT hera taking him away from her a couple months later, hera breaking that promise for him

god i was gonna stop there but like...annabeth during those months?? working herself sick, throwing herself into plans for the argo ii, learning everything she can about roman mythology, grilling jason about everything he remembers about camp jupiter

before they learn about camp jupiter’s existence, during an update meeting on the search for percy, some dumbass suggests “maybe he left on purpose...maybe he doesn’t want to be found” and annabeth LOSES IT

she screams, throws something at their head, and storms out, and all she can think is he said he wouldn’t leave, he said he wasn’t going anywhere

it’s clarisse who finds her at the shore of the canoe lake

annabeth gets out, “oh, fuck off, clarrise” between sobs

but then....clarisse comforting her? rubbing her back?? “i know he wouldn’t leave you, wise girl, not on purpose” (the nickname slices through annabeth like a blade) “i’m on your side, okay? percy was a pain in my ass, but he’s my pain in the ass, and i don’t want him out there annoying gods know who else. we’re gonna find him, just so that i can beat him into a pulp for disappearing on you”

and if i think any harder about grover and sally and tyson and annabeth leaning on each other for support, being sad and terrified together, and the whole camp rallying around them and caring for them i’m gonna give myself an aneurysm.....so i'll stop there

if you made it this far congrats!!!! i mean this in the nicest way but i really hope you’re as sad as i am about all of this. xoxo

#my writing #kind of???#do we have the energy for a fic? no #do we feel the pain anyway? yeah #percabeth #uhh happy birthday percy? sorry that i am incapable of writing something nice and happy for ya atm

398 notes · View notes