#i forgot how easy it is for me to write a novel when i'm writing for this asshole

[the-bad-batch-baroness]

Where's Mommy?

Wolffe x Fem!Reader

Part 7

Summary: Wolffe's wife suddenly dies, leaving him a single father in the middle of a war.

Pairing: Wolffe x Fem!Reader

Characters: Wolffe, Cara (child OFC), Comet

Tags & Warnings: heavy angst, mention of death, off-screen death, spousal death, reader is not the spouse, grief, hurt/comfort, family fluff

Word Count: 1.1k

Author's Note: We are back to the Wolffe angst! (but did we ever really leave?) This part is really sad. I know I keep saying that, but this one actually made me tear up while writing it. I don't usually get emotional when writing emotional scenes, so yeah. Do with that what you will. As always, please enjoy 💚

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5

Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10

"Cara," Wolffe says. "I need you to go with Comet and pack some things from your room, okay?"

Cara looks up at him with a puzzled expression. "Why?"

"Because we can't stay here without mommy," he explains.

"Oh," she frowns. "Where are we going?"

"The Jedi Temple," Wolffe says. "We'll be staying with Plo for a while."

"I don't want to go," she pouts.

Wolffe sighs. "I don't want to go either, but we don't have a choice. Please, help daddy and go with Comet to pack."

"No," Cara whines.

"Come on, ad'ika," Comet says. He gets up off of the couch and stretches his arms over his head. "I bet I can pack faster than you."

"Nuh uh," Cara says, then jumps off of Wolffe's lap and runs toward her bedroom.

"Well, that was easy," Comet chuckles. He looks down at Wolffe. "You okay?"

Wolffe sighs. "Do you want a real answer?"

Comet frowns. "I guess that was a dumb question."

"I'm fine," Wolffe says, but his facial expression betrays his words.

Comet decides to change the subject. "How many boxes can she bring?"

"One," Wolffe says. "The Jedi aren't big on things ."

"Understood," Comet nods, then walks off to follow Cara.

"Oh, Comet," Wolffe throws over his shoulder. "Make sure the di'kute in the kitchen clean up their mess."

Comet smirks. "10-4."

Wolffe remains seated on the floor and fidgets with the carpet pieces again. Fine. He doesn't even know what that word means anymore. He used to, back when life was simple and fine just meant he wasn't dead. Now, he's not sure what to feel, how to feel, or how to deal with whatever feelings he's having. Sure, he feels sad when his brothers die, but something about this death feels much different. It's heavier, denser, tighter, and suffocating in a way he can't fully explain.

Unwilling to dwell on his unchecked thoughts, Wolffe grabs whatever box he can find and heads to his bedroom. He scrolls through the mental list he made and collects all of the obvious items he wants to keep. Some things are on the bookshelf, like her favorite holo-novel. Some things are in the dresser, like her nightshirt and a lingerie set he bought her for their first anniversary. And some things are on the bedside table, like the holo-photo album and her half-used chapstick.

He opens the bedside table drawer to check if there's anything hiding in it he wants and his heart sinks. His gold wedding band sits alone in the drawer. He almost forgot about it. He can't wear it most of the time, but usually he'll put it on when he's home. He didn't even get a chance this time around. He picks up the band and admires it fondly, reading the inscription and the date. His wife saved every credit she had to buy those rings for them. He carefully places it in the box.

Wolffe rummages through the closet next, pulling little bits and pieces of his wife out and places the most important items into the box. He only gets one box, so he has to make every spot count. He shifts a stack of clothes to the side and a data-stick falls off the shelf. He bends over to pick it up and studies it for a moment. Wondering what's on it, he plugs it into the holo-projector and sits on the edge of the bed. An image pops up and his breath is stolen as the recording plays.

Hi darling, his wife says with a warm smile while sitting next to Cara at their kitchen table.

Wolffe gasps, then covers his mouth. He remembers when his wife sent him this recording on Cara's third birthday. He was away on a mission, and wasn't able to look at it for a couple of rotations, but it made him so happy to see them both. He'd been on that mission for months and missed them dearly. He completely forgot about it until now, and can't believe his wife kept it all this time. She looked so beautiful that day, and Cara was all dressed up for her special day, too.

Today is Cara's third birthday, she continues, then looks at Cara. Say hi to daddy.

Hi daddy! Cara yells with a big grin.

"Hi baby," Wolffe says. It might seem stupid to say hello to a recording but he doesn't care. 

It's time to sing happy birthday, his wife says. Ready, Cara? Nice and loud so daddy can hear.

Cara nods her head and they both start to sing. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Cara, happy birthday to you.

Wolffe's eyes turn misty and his body trembles as he tries to contain his emotions.

Now, blow out the candles and make a wish, she says.

Cara blows out the three lit candles and his wife claps.

What'd you wish for? she asks with a big smile.

Daddy come home! Cara yells towards the recorder.

Wolffe can't hold back the tears that roll down his face. He wishes he had more time with her. With both of them, together, as a family. It was too short. He didn't even get the chance to give his wife the life she deserved. She took care of everything while he was deployed, and he vowed to take care of everything when the war was over, but now… Every vow he made with her has turned to ash. Until death do us part was the promise, but now, death has claimed her.

Okay, Wolffe, his wife says. I know this needs to be short, so we're gonna say goodbye now.

"No," Wolffe's voice cracks. "Please, don't say goodbye."

Say goodbye to daddy, she says to Cara while waving towards the recorder.

Bye, daddy! Cara yells and waves.

"Please," Wolffe begs, his entire body shaking. "Cyare. Don't go."

Come home soon, she says, then blows a kiss. I love you, Wolffe.

The recording ends, but the last image stays. Wolffe stands up on shaky legs and approaches the projected image. He stretches out his hand to touch his wife's cheek, but his fingers pass through the pixels. He gasps, then tries again. This time to brush her hair with the palm of his hand, but it also passes through. It's an image. It's not real. She's not real. Why isn't she real? All he wants to do is touch her one more time and hug her one more time. To feel her warmth.

"I love you, too," Wolffe whispers through a shuddered breath.

Wolffe carefully pulls the data-stick out of the holo-projector and cradles it in his hands. Besides his daughter, this is his most prized possession. His wife's voice. He thought he'd never hear it again, and he doesn't know if it helped him feel better or made him feel worse. Regardless, he nestles the special memory into the box and surrounds it with his wife's other things to keep it safe from harm. If anything ever happens to that memory, Wolffe doesn't know what he will do. 

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5

Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10

Masterlist

AO3

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#tbbb writes #commander wolffe x fem!reader #commander wolffe x reader #commander wolffe x you #wolffe x fem!reader #wolffe x reader #wolffe x you #clone x fem!reader #clone x reader #clone x you #commander wolffe #tcw wolffe #wolffe #the clone wars #clone wars #tcw #star wars #clone wars fanfiction #clone wars fanfic #clone wars fic #tcw fanfiction #tcw fanfic #tcw fic #fanfiction #fanfic #fic

[shiny-jr]

Hi Shiny! I’m not new to your blog but I have been reading up on the works I’ve missed since I haven’t been the most active on tumblr for like, a solid year, (possibly more?) and I forgot just how amazing your writing is; you are definitely one of my favorite writers, and I greatly enjoy every one of your works.

That’s why- as a reader who really wants to get into writing- I would love to hear what stands to be your biggest inspirations, and especially what media (whether it books, songs, films, etc.) has influenced your writing. I’ve been looking to develop my writing style by taking in the works of others, so any recommendations are appreciated!

Welcome back, anon! Let me see what I can think of off the top of my head.

As I sit here, the first thing I thought of is vocabulary. I think having a good VOCABULARY is key to making a good story, especially when it comes to the flow. I grew up reading a lot, and recently, I began reading more again just books and articles. Through that process, it's easy to learn words, see a new one, and look it up. You might remember said words and use them later.

I've actually been told that I speak kinda eloquently at certain times, like in a professional-business like way, which I totally don't mean to. But yeah, I digress, vocabulary is very important. I'll give you an example.

I started writing this chapter for a new series, and it was late at night, and my heart wasn't really in it. When I reviewed it, I immediately hated it. Why? Because of the vocabulary. It was all simple words, repetitive, and without any variety. I'm not saying your vocabulary has to be great or anything, but when I write, I always have a site called wordhippo open. Just for when I can't remember a specific word or I'm looking for a synonym to change things up and prevent that annoying repetitiveness.

CHARACTERIZATION is also a huge deal. Writing for characters that are not yours is not easy. It's difficult. One thing I do is if I'm not sure about a character's decisions, actions, dialogue, is I look for reference points from what they're from. Voicelines, art, anything helps. If its lacking, I try to think of another character they're similar to and ask myself what would this other character do? Would it be the same as the first character? That usually helps.

Of course, this includes character development and conflicts and relationships and such. I think some of the best characters I've ever seen in media, are from the animated Avatar: The Last Airbender. That series has such solid personalities, variety within the cast, good interesting conflicts, and one of the best character development arcs in modern day animated media.

As for songs, I usually just listen to instrumental songs when writing. I found that lyrics tended to distract me, which is why I try to avoid it when writing. No series or novels come to mind immediately, although I do write personal reviews for those I read. Most of which is either praise or criticizing (mostly criticizing) the writing style of the author, the characters, or the plot. I'm glad to share some of those, but I've written a good number of them and they're lengthy, just me yapping.

Anyways, that's a lot. I'm not sure if I answered your question as you wanted? I hope I did. Let me know if there's anything else.

#shiny speaks

[symptomsofdeceit]

hihi!! :3 this is my first ever time sending someone an ask AND IM REAAALLY NERVOUS. gonna stay anonymous, because i'm a bit shy. also sorry if my grammar and spelling gonna be goofy, english isn't my first language :")

i found out about your game a couple of days ago and these crazy boys won't leave my mind ever since. i looove pathetic loser men and yanderes ❤️. demo is great!! your art style is soo pretty and i really like your character writing!!!! forgot that description said that there's two yanderes, so Nalis ending got me like 😳😳😳 OKAY THAT'S UNEXPECTED BUT SO DAMN HOT. Thaumo is so adorable! THAT MOMENT WITH FORK THO 😭😭😭 don't know which one of them is my fav so far. guess they have to fight for my heart so i could find out >:3 Tremo is so pretty!! ah, tired mysterious women are my weakness ❤️ also i feel sorry for Johnsoni, poor guy! #justice for Johnsoni, hope to see his sprite in future :"D i'm so eager to see what's awaits MC in next update. i know that game development isn't that easy, especially when you have to work irl. don't forget to take breaks from time to time, make an update at your own comfortable pace aand stay hydrated!!! your tumblr page and answer for other ppl asks about these weirdos is my food for now ❤️❤️❤️

SORRY THAT'S A WHOLE ESSAY LOL. just wanted to show how much i love your visual novel and characters! have some ideas for asks too, hope i will find the courage to write here again :"3 watch out Nalis and Thaumo, my future asks might be… veery silly >:D

Hello, & I apologize for this reply being late! I appreciate the ask very much, & no worries on your English!! I think you’ve done perfect here :)

I’m so so happy that you’ve enjoyed my demo!!!!This entire message has me grinning at my phone so so hard. If you eventually do decide on a favorite between the two I’d love to know which one it is!! I hope you’re taking breaks + staying hydrated in your life as well, and thank you so much for all of your kind words (｡ŏ﹏ŏ)💕💕💕💕

You have no idea how much I appreciate your words, this means a lot to me!! I would really love to have you in my inbox again, so I’m mentally sending you all the courage I can ✨💪😤 silly asks are some of my favorites, I’m excited to see what you’d throw at the boys!

#symptoms of deceit asks #developer got too happy and exploded 🍓🦑💥

[fateandloveentwined]

number of unique chinese characters in a book

So there's this blog I read long ago on the number of unique chinese characters one uses. Say a person writes a 10k chinese novel. But how many characters are discrete?

Classical chinese poems and songs have me doubting my chinese ability as always, and that got me curious about how many chinese characters I know or write on a daily basis.

To answer this (and to very much knock my confidence like an idiot) I put together something to count the number of unique chinese characters in a passage. I use about... 2.8k characters in my general writing.

Then I wondered about the authors I read.

A quick search online suggests that a chinese user knows and uses 1000-3000 characters regularly, and after high school you are supposed to have taken in over 6000 characters -- something I'm pretty sure I didn't do.

That said, I got curious about the number of unique characters these authors I read usually use. That doesn't at all indicate writing competency, but well, it felt interesting regardless so I decided to go play with that a bit.

For reference, jinyong's wuxia novels are around 3.5k to 4.5k unique characters per novel.

you only need 2.5-3k characters to use chinese like natives do, it's not too much really!

methodology rambles feel free to skip to next heading

I recorded some numbers and figures for something to work with with works I enjoyed. Fanfics I also included, which I saved on my computer a long time ago.

I made attempts to analyse the data in a fairer way, looking at the total word count and the highest frequency of "的"s (a very common chinese particle, think the letter "e") used in the passage. That sort of helped, but at the same time there are always outliers that manage to muddle up understanding every single time.

So now, observations. I categorised them into four levels according to the number of unique characters, from lowest to highest.

observations

note: notable novels are highlighted in yellow for easy spotting, and fanfictions are shaded in grey. I added english titles for most of them because I didn't put them in when I first did the screencaptures.

first level: below 3.5k unique characters

Good authors don't always equate an extensive character set. Conversely, there are authors who basically cannot write well (subjective) and still end up with a surprisingly not-low unique character count.

Works like 靜影沉璧、瀟湘水冷、風骨同守 that adopted a more literary, classical chinese writing register had lower unique character counts than the others. This was not what I expected, considering these works were where I found most words I'm unfamiliar with and ended up questioning my chinese reading ability (sorry lol).

I was also surprised with 潭石、水千丞、覆水難收、木蘇里 (mu su li) because their writing are all pretty good, all achieved while using a much smaller lexicon range than what I've expected.

(不問三九 with good writing was also low and in this range, but I forgot to mark hers down so, shrugs.)

second: 3.6k to 4.5k characters

That said, some authors do typically reach a range of around 3.6-3.7k unique characters, which is a pretty wide character set. Supposing adding a book of an author increases the total number of unique characters the author has used, these authors tend to round up at around 4k+ words with 2-4 novels inputted.

With each book added, there would be an increase of a few hundred unique characters, but they tend to level off at about 4.3k etc., and that is likely their maximum unique character count.

Some do level off at around 3.7k though, which indicates a narrower range of lexicon employed.

third level: the weird level

weird because the unique character count increases by leaps and bounds with every new novel of theirs that I added, and we end up perplexed and baffled.

At around 1M to 1.5M words inputted from an author, I thought that the unique character count would be pretty steady already, similar to how the unique character counts for authors at the second level levelled off eventually.

That's not the case for these two authors here. It is perplexing because the settings of their books do not vary greatly, yet the choice of characters and words were, apparently, diverse enough to give a "forever"-going increase in unique character count with every book I added.

This category aggravates me so much I couldn't make head and tail of it honestly lol.

the final level: the eloquent and literate

Of course, in this world there are always very literate individuals, and verbose they may seem, some are good writers. Here are the authors who actually have a vast unique character range.

You may be wondering how this 3.7k differs from the ones in the second level, but bear in mind this is merely the result from a single work of the author, or that the author's book is, like, half the length of the other authors while achieving a far higher unique character count than others.

And there's meatbun at the top of the list; I used both 2ha and Yu Wu for her stats, but her 2ha alone was already higher than Royal Nirvana and any other book I tested, so she goes in this category.

And et voila. All of this may not make sense to you, I'm not even sure about how the reception of this would be, it was a passion project and an interesting evening that I had, and now that I have some (sort of subjective) results I hope to share it out. :)

feel free to hmu for peculiar thought experiments and discussions on this topic!!

this is a repost from another site. i have used too many a username, and am not ready to link together all of them yet (someday) -- if you recognise this and wonder, message me, that's probably another account of mine.

#danmei #chinese language #mxtx #2ha #language #linguistics #meatbun doesn't eat meat #meatbun #chinese #cnovel #fate's wonky thoughts #fate creates

[olderthannetfic]

Sometimes I think about that time when I found a fic that clearly followed the plot of a fic written by astolat. A fic she written over 10 years ago, but still.

I made a comment saying, hey, this seems super similar to another fic I’ve read. did you get inspired by astolat?

And they said, ok yeah. Sorry, forgot to mark it as a remix. My bad, it’s fixed.

But I wonder if that author really did make a mistake, or were they trying to plagiarize astolat before getting caught? I’m not a fic writer, so I’m asking is forgetting to mark a fic as a remix actually an easy mistake to make?

Ps The notes says the fic is self-indulgent and written in just an hour, which makes me suspicious. “Self-indulgent” has the connotation that it came from only you, “written in an hour” makes me think you read it and rewrote it on an hour.

Do I have something, or am I just reading too much into this?

--

I think you have something, but I also wouldn't worry about it. Ideas are cheap. Execution is what matters.

I periodically run across fics where it looks like torture, but really, the characters are just undercover and it's a BDSM thing (little do the bad guys know). And one of them demands the other as payment at the end to get them out of there. I've written something more or less like this myself, though not pre-negotiated.

And if I know the author, I'll be like "So... that one QuiObi fic?" and they'll be like "Fuck yes!"

Unless I actually dug up what the hell the name of that fic was, reread it, and copied it a lot more closely, I'd never bother crediting it for such a basic trope any more than I'd credit the trope where one hero is like "What monster came up with this villain's trap???" and it turns out to be from the other hero's trashy novels.

(It's The Jewel of the Nile. It's always The Jewel of the Nile. In my fic. In every other Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty fic. Seriously, it's always this movie. An entire generation of viewers imprinted on that damn joke.)

Granted, this sounds like it was a lot more than just one trope, but even whole plots are a dime a dozen.

It wouldn't be surprising if they didn't think credit mattered that much or if they thought everyone would notice anyway because astolat is popular. Or maybe they were trying to get away with some shit. But even then, I can't work up much emotion over it because it's not the facts of astolat's plots that make people like her fic: it's the sum total of how she writes them.

I'm trying to think about why I don't usually care about this when I do care about the kind of nonfiction idea theft Hbomberguy did that video about. I think it's because most cases of the latter involve significantly more research to come up with the nonfiction idea, so there's a lot more pretense of intellectual work and originality. The plagiarist is citing the original researcher's sources as though they found them on their own.

For fiction, unless it's a barely-rephrased version of the original, it feels like much of the work was the actual writing of the prose, and the second author did do that themselves. They might have first encountered the tropes in a particular fic... but they weren't exactly very original there either.

I might feel differently if I read the actual fic in question though.

[emotionally-estarriol]

About a year and some change ago, I decided to buy the first three Artemis Fowl books. I don't exactly remember why I wanted to read them. I had never heard anything about them when I was a kid, seeing as I only read graphic novels and historical fiction, but while wondering around Books-A-Million, I saw them, and after some out-loud debating with myself, my mom chimed in and said: "You should get them, I'm happy you're reading again."

The books just kinda sat around for a while until the day I started A Wizard of Earthsea because I also had started Artemis Fowl that same day. I had an audition later in the day, and I wanted to read something easy and fun to shake my nerves, but I ended up only reading a chapter and then forgot about it, trying to finish Earthsea.

Now, don't get me wrong, Earthsea is a phenomenal book that I now love deeply, but at the time, I was struggling to read it. So after a week of trying to brute force my way through, I decided to tell my friend (Who wanted me to read it) that I was taking a break from the book to read something else and while trying to figure out what book I was gonna read I remembered Artemis Fowl. I saw it on my bookshelf and thought, "Oh yeah, I started that, sure why not? It's middle grade. It'll be quick and easy." I then proceeded to take a month to read the first book.

A month, I know!!! Why did it take me so long? Was I not enjoying it? Did I at least pick Earthsea back up? Well, to answer that last one, the answer is no. In the entire month it took me to read Artemis Fowl, I didn't read any other books, much to the dismay of my friend, who just sat with the knowledge that I was literally 4 pages from THE massive turning point in Earthsea, but anyway, that still doesn't answer the first two questions. The simple answer to the first question is things like school, work, and rehearsal and the fact that I'm just a slow reader. The simple answer to the second was yes, 100% absolutely, but there's more to it than just those surface-level answers.

The answer to those questions is why I'm writing this in the first place, and it all starts with what my mom said to me when I first bought the books in the first place: "You should get them, I'm happy you're reading again." Cuz you see, when I was a kid, I was a reading MACHINE; from the ages of 3 to 11, I always had a book in my hand despite the fact that reading was always kinda hard because the words and letters jumped around on the page (They still do that, I'm in the process of seeing if I have dyslexia. I think I do), but I still read with passion and fervor. Reading was my first taste of escapism, full-on "transported-to-another-world" kind of escapism, and I loved it. It manifested as this warm feeling in my chest and a hazy filter on the world around me. When I got so overwhelmed by the world around me and even my own mind, the escapism from books was there to calm me down and put me at ease.

And then, one day, I stopped.

I can't tell you why I randomly stopped reading one day; I can give you some guesses, but I can't give you a concrete answer. But I stopped, and soon I grew sour towards reading, and I mean sour. Reading became "nerd shit" to me, and I held this weird, arrogant achievement of how long it had been since I stepped foot in my school's library, and over time I slowly forgot the comfort reading used to provide me.

Now, in a more cliche but sweet story, I would say Artemis Fowl was the book that got me back into reading and made me fall back in love with it, but that's not this story because the book that got me into it was none other than Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. Trust me, I was not expecting it either! But something about that book in my junior year of high school fucking rerouted my brain and sent me back to the library with a new lease on literature. But then why am I talking about Artemis Fowl? Well, let me answer those two remaining questions. I wasn't just enjoying Artemis Fowl; I was savoring it, and that's why it took me a full month to finish it.

When I decided to go back to Artemis Fowl, I often read it at night before bed (On the nights that I wasn't exhausted from a four-hour rehearsal) with a little battery-powered lantern and my cat Finny next to me. The setup was very similar to when I would read as a kid with my Ikea nightlights and my cat Smokey. And the more I read, the more I found myself saying, "This is exactly what I wanted to read as a kid!" I also was saying, "I'd be insufferable if I read these as a kid!" because Artemis was my peak idea of cool so I would've absolutely, without a doubt, adopted him into my personality, but who knows.

I didn't consciously realize it then, but the further I got into the book, the more that warm feeling in my chest returned and the stronger the hazy filter became. When I cracked this book open, I fell into its world, and it caught me in its cool, badass, loving arms, and it happened every time I went to read it. I laughed, I gasped, I cried, I had such strong feelings about it that I couldn't put it into words. It was like I didn't have the words to describe what I was feeling, much like when I was a kid.

I started Artemis Fowl on October 29th, 2022, and I finished it on November 29th, 2022. It was a full and true month in the middle of my very hectic senior year and it was probably one of the best because,

Artemis Fowl handed me a piece of my childhood back.

And it wasn't the usual kind of nostalgia that you get from finding an old toy or seeing an old cartoon from your childhood because I never interacted with Fowl as a kid! It didn't bring me to the past; it brought the past to me. And in a way that I so desperately needed as adulthood stared me down. And though I didn't know it then, I know it now.

I read Arctic Incident a couple of months later, and the feeling returned, and now, as I write this, I'm reading Eternity Code. This whole post came about because I had the idea to live-blog my experience with Eternity Code (because I read the back and WIGGED OUT), but after thinking about it for a bit, I decided against it and wrote this instead. Live blogging felt a little too personal, even though I just dumped out my fucking emotional attachment to these books for the entire internet to see. Still, it felt too personal because stopping to write felt like it would break my warm cocoon of haze, and I don't wanna lose that, not again.

I may talk about Eternity Code once I finish it, I may not (I probably won't), but I just wanted to shout into the void about what this book has done for me.

I don't believe your inner child ever goes away. Sometimes, they just get lost and need help getting back home. It may take a while, they may keep getting lost, hell, they may not even want to come home, but when they do finally come home, something just clicks into place and relief just washes over you.

If I ever meet Eoin Colfer, I'm probably gonna say something silly like, "Nah, man, I read these books when I was 17, I didn't even know they existed as a kid", but at some point, I have to thank him for these books.

Artemis Fowl didn't change me; it brought me home.

#creative writing... i guess #reading #artemis fowl #I nearly cried while writing this #it didn't help that I was listening to the Spiritfarer soundtrack the whole time #funny to think this all came about because the plot for eternity code is my worst nightmare #childhood #i didnt proof read this #felt like it wouldnt be right to edited like raw feelings ya know #sorry to anyone who reads this in bed alone at 2 am #long post #literature

[unluckyxse7en]

Tell me about that book you read as a kid that made a strange and specific impression on your psyche?

(Sorry I didn't answer this sooner!! I was Stuck on it and then forgot 😭 )

(Edit: FUCKER GOT HIDDEN IN MY DRAFTS BASED ON WHEN I GOT THE ASK, NOT WHEN I SAVED IT SO I THOUGHT I LOST IT, SORRY IT'S EVEN LATER...)

I came up with a few books that might've qualified for this - "Freedom" by Angela Dorsey (one of many horse girl books, of the ghost horse variety) or "The Fire Within" by Chris D'Lacey (one of many dragon books - and I think my selection alone speaks volumes about me lmao)...

I think I've decided to talk about "House of Stairs" instead, by William Sleator. It might be an easy answer because it WAS strange and specific as books go, but it's one that's always consciously stuck with me whereas the other two books I think informed me on a creative subconscious level more than anything.

Full disclaimer - everything written from here on is based on dim recollection. I read it just once in middle school, a time I barely recall at all, and some elements are probably distorted/wrong based on how I envisioned things. But I'm writing it as is because it is SUCH a strong memory even if it's off in places, and I think that more precisely answers the heart of this question than if I pulled up a summary online and described it from that.

I'm also hoping to find a physical copy to own at some point, so part of this is because I'll be interested to come back to this and see how much I described poorly or entirely wrongly.

So that said. House of Stairs.

"House of Stairs" is, in essence, a story about sociological experimentation - the focus of the book is on several teens who get trapped in a labyrinthine space that lives up to the book's title, a reference to the M.C. Escher painting of the same name:

You can already see how this is the "easy" answer for a strange, specific impression.

The building they're trapped in is all white, stairs going up and down no matter how far you look - or go. They're trapped with no discernable exits and no resources, for unknown reasons and an indeterminable amount of time.

So then comes the actual experiments.

Aside from stairs, stairs, and more stairs, there ARE landings, here and there - and some of those landings have little stations with buttons on them. As the kids discover, if you push the button, you get food.

...Until suddenly, you don't.

Then the kids have to sort out, is it broken? Can they wait until it gets fixed? Should they try to fix it themselves or go elsewhere in search of the exit?

This leads to many things - heightened emotions, thoughts and theories, tension, arguments - until suddenly they're rewarded with food again.

Well. No one pushed the button, what happened this time?

And so it goes on, until it becomes clear - the stations are conditioning them, training them with rewards to silent tasks fulfilled. And as the book goes, the kids divide into camps - those who want to listen implicitly to the station, and those who don't. The station starts rewarding harmful behaviors to boot, to see just how far they're willing to go, so the focus of the book narrows to the protagonists who search for a way out.

The book is a YA novel so it ends with them finding the way out of course, being recognized for staying strong and finding a way out, and of course the innate reward of getting out despite the adversity. But the premise of this book itself stuck the strongest with me.

It raises questions like, what if that were to happen to me? What would it take? It's easy to claim you'd be strong-willed and find a way out, only because by knowing the book you know a way out exists. But in practice it's much harder, especially without that knowledge. How long would I last, would I immediately fall into the camp that follows the prompts? Would I resist but fall to its sway? Or, would I fall to the enemy camp, once it became clear they wouldn't get rewarded otherwise?

Sad thing is, as fantastical as the space itself sounds with its descriptions - almost akin to a white void with stairs stretching forever - the overall concept of a space being created for such a purpose doesn't even strike me as all that out there, and I think that suggests it's definitely left an impact on how I view the world.

It's just outlandish enough, and yet there's people all the time who would do such a horrendous thing, in the name of research... or perhaps even just their own amusement.

Honestly I barely remember the ending - how they got out, life after. In a manner of speaking, I think I too got trapped in the house of stairs - only unlike the characters I'm still stuck there, poking around the place and contemplating just how much - or little - it'd take for someone to create such a thing in reality.

Hopefully that answers the question in a satisfying way ^^; I was stuck on this for a bit since, as mentioned before, a lot of my childhood has been lost to memory issues - it was hard determining what books impacted me how, when I barely recall what I was like before reading it, you know?

#blablablah #long post #house of stairs #william sleator #damage-ko #ask games #this was such a fun game! if you ever want to do smth like this again id love to play again #again sorry for the delay - i wanted to answer faster I just got stuck on How to do so in a fulfilling waysnfjdjfjdjcjscj

[linalilia]

[meet the prisoners!] prisoner 001: miyagawa akio

oh god we're really doing this.

so yeah, remember when i said that i actually have milgram ocs? i'll start posting them now!

here's our first prisoner! his design looks a bit boring, i know, but i think it fits him well! sorry for making him look like mikoto's long lost brother i wanted him to have that "basic anime protag" vibe, if you know what i mean. though his personality is not like that at all, haha. also i'm sorry if the symbols on his prisoner uniform look weird, i'm still trying to figure out how to make them look good and i can't see them that well even though i use references 😔

also, some notes: this story happens before the events of canon milgram project + novel (yes, i know the plot of the novel but i'm not sure where to read it in english, i'm sorry!), so es isn't the guard yet. this time milgram prison has not one, but TWO guards and both of them are polar opposites of each other. one of them wants to vote everyone innocent and believes that they're actually good people, but the other one thinks all prisoners should be voted guilty and all of them deserve to die for their sins.

this time the prisoners are much less sympathetic than the canon ones because if the canon prisoners are kind of "morally gray".. well, maybe these guys' cute designs will be enough to make people vote them innocent :') i will write their mv descriptions, voice dramas and interrogations as well, though honestly, i feel like i actually could try writing songs for them because i like composing and writing lyrics.. but i'm too lazy for that right now djsjsksk.

also almost forgot to mention, don't take their mv descriptions too seriously (or do take them seriously. i'm not your mom), like, for example, if i mention a character being treated badly by someone in the mv, it doesn't necessarily mean that this thing actually happened. it doesn't mean that my characters are able to lie through their mvs, it's more about how they personally saw their crimes. and considering that a lot of my ocs are very dramatic and they believe that they've done nothing wrong.. yeah, trusting their every word is not a good idea.

and if you guys find my ocs interesting, maybe i'll actually do polls where you can vote them innocent or guilty! and if not, that's okay, i already have canon verdicts for them in mind, so :'D it would be fun to see people choosing something completely different from what i expected though

anyway, you can read this boy's profile under the cut!

General info:

Name: Miyagawa Akio (宮川 昭雄) (kanjis in his last name stand for "temple, shrine, palace" and "river" and kanjis in his first name mean "bright" and "hero")

Age: 16 y/o

Gender: Male

Status: Prisoner 001

Birthday: September 4 (Virgo)

Height: 166 cm

Blood type: A

Image Color: #D5C7E5

Occupation: High school student (first year)

Personality: Akio is a very prideful and arrogant boy who has an extremely high self-esteem. He believes he's innocent and refuses to admit that he really did something bad. Whenever his crime is mentioned, he claims that it wasn't his fault and his victim deserved it anyway. However, he's actually very smart and it's easy for him to fool people and make them believe that he really is a good guy. He claims that he was the best student in his class and he's been getting perfect grades since elementary school. He says that he never had any rivals because he was so perfect, however, it doesn't look like he had any friends either. He also doesn't believe that Milgram is an actual prison and thinks that it's all just for show and even if it's real, he's sure that he will never get executed or anything like that.

MV info:

Which canon Milgram song he would cover: It's Not My Fault

Which DECO*27 song he would cover: Reversible Campaign (i wish i could say that i have a deep reason for giving him this song, but.. i don't have one actually! i just like this song a lot and it's very special to me because if i'm not wrong, it's the first deco*27 song i ever listened to (or at least i have many good memories associated with it) so i thought that it would be a good idea to give it to the first prisoner!)

If he could cover a song by a different Vocaloid producer, which one would it be: Abnormality Dancin' Girl by Guchiry (i do have a reason this time, but i think you'll be able to figure it out yourself :))

His MV description: His MV would have this royal theme/aesthetic, similar to Muu's INMF MV with its whole queen bee thing, however, his video would still feel and look completely different. His MV would mostly have dark/dull colors.. until one specific scene.

His video starts with a crowd of people sitting in a room that looks like some kind of a concert hall and even though it looks beautiful and detailed, it's mostly gray and black. All people look like black silhouettes and don't have any defining features, however, judging from their poses, you can tell that they feel awkward or even anxious. And then, suddenly, Akio appears on the stage while dressed like a king. Even though he's supposed to look unique compared to the silhouettes, his colors are still just as dull as the room's. He smiles and starts singing and while he does so, he appears not just as a king, but as other important figures, for example, a movie star, a popular singer, a president and even a god. The lyrics mention Akio being the only person here who's actually interesting, unique, skilled and talented. The silhouettes follow him around all the time and you can actually see them having bright green eyes, but they show them only when Akio does something cool, for example, defeats an enemy, executes a criminal, etc. Everything goes well until Akio notices that the colors of the MV start becoming brighter and he sees that the silhouettes are not really interested in him anymore and they're following a very bright figure that looks like it's literally made out of light. He starts getting more and more nervous as he sees his loyal followers leaving him. There's a shot of him standing with a glass case full of all kinds of prizes and trophies in the background and the glass suddenly breaks right when he sees that figure again. The glass hurts Akio in the process and one of the silhouettes notices it and decides to check if he's okay. Akio sees that this silhouette's eyes are different and they're not green, but pink instead. He smiles and the MV ends with the "more popular student" being executed by Akio, who got his crown back and right when Akio looks at the pink-eyed silhouette and nods, the colors turn dark again and the lights go off.

His Trailer 1 Voicelines:

"My name is Miyagawa Akio. You two.. You two are not much older than me, right? So why the hell do you even have a right to judge us for our crimes? Honestly, I'm the one who deserves this right more than anyone else here."

"He really doesn't know his place, does he? So annoying.. Hey, can you help me out with something? Come on, I know you like me."

Trivia.

He sees himself as innocent and hopes to get a verdict like that as well.

He didn't commit any other crimes except murder and he claims that he had only one victim.

He's secretly embarrassed of his height and wants to grow taller.

He's very proud of being popular with both guys and girls from his school.

He's not really close with any prisoners except Prisoner 009, who's only one year older than him and was quite a popular student as well. Prisoner 002 wants to become friends with him too, but he keeps ignoring her and finds her annoying.

You can think of him as Haruka's "foil" or simply his opposite because of them both being the first prisoners, but having completely different personalities. Haruka constantly apologizes, believes that he brings misfortune to other people and he's not the smartest guy here, meanwhile Akio really was the best student in his class, he never apologizes and takes his words back and he believes that he's better than everyone else. They're also almost the same age, though Akio is one year younger than Haruka.

Even though Akio and Muu's videos (we're talking about the second one) have a similar theme, they feel very different. No matter how much Muu claims that everything is not her fault, she still appears as a monster in her MV and she constantly says how pitiable she is (i am NOT going with the official eng translation) and even if she's a "bad girl", she still asks to forgive her. Akio doesn't feel like that at all and he really does believe that he's innocent and he also doesn't see himself as a monster or any other scary creature, HE LITERALLY SEES HIMSELF AS A GOD. He never asks to forgive him because he thinks that people will do it even if he doesn't ask.

His crime is pretty easy to solve compared to the other prisoners. I wanted to make it more complicated at first, but then I thought that it makes sense for a first prisoner to have a crime that's not as mysterious or difficult to solve as other characters' murders.

#feel free to smash that guilty button if i do a poll for him <3 #or smash that innocent button if you want to encourage his god complex ig #i love him a lot though. he's a very fun character #milgram #milgram oc #also i don't think my usual oc tag fits here SOOO i'm going to tag my milgram oc posts as “linagram” now SHJSSJSK #linagram

[authortobenamedlater]

After combing through the show (again) for fanfic purposes, I just need to throw this out there.

Halo has SO MANY LOOSE ENDS to tie up in S2.

I know we all know this but let me put an itemized list here for my own benefit if nothing else.

First, and biggest: They have to separate Cortana and John. Seeing as John can't access the keystones in his current state, the show is kind of stalled until this happens. So it has to happen quickly enough not to take up the entire season but slowly enough to not make it too easy.

Second, and most obvious: They have to find the Halo. If you take clues from this photo, we won't have to wait too long. If nothing else we can rest easy that all our Spartans are back together. I'm going to wager this also means John and Cortana are back to themselves.

Third, about which few people care but is still important: Kwan and Madrigal. We didn't like Kwan, but now that she's here, we need to know why, you know? The show can't just drop her, but they also can't let her eat up airtime like she did for much of S1.

As I recall, it looks like Madrigal is a portal or something to get to the Halo along with some Forerunner term I can't remember (@mrtobenamedlater can comment more here since he's the one who told me), so I'll bet that's where they are going with this.

Fourth: Where's Halsey and what's she up to? And how many flash clones does she have?

Fifth, can't believe I forgot this and have to edit it in: Is there any kind of reckoning for the SII program architects? JAG is clearly sniffing around, and even Halsey can't hold them off forever. Keyes is so pissed off at himself and everything by the last episode I wouldn't be surprised if he went nuclear on the whole thing.

Other second-tier loose ends...

This isn't exactly critical to the story, but The Reach for Life project is fishier than Mr's waders when he comes home after a day on the water. What is up with that? Halsey knew John's parents somehow. What's the connection? Did his parents die in the plague or what? That plague was absolutely engineered to wipe out the planet, so who did it (spoiler: Halsey)? What about John finding the artifact took his family from happy and fairly normal to clearly not happy? Show of hands, who thinks Halsey was in on that?

John tells Kai "I'm working on it" when she says her parents could still be out there. Are we going to meet them? What about Riz and Vannak's parents? I'm also going to take this moment to say once again that I don't understand why they did a whole new team for Chief when Blue Team was already there AND the show used so many other characters that barely appear in the games at all (I know they have major roles in novels etc.).

Assuming we get another nine-episode season, everything in this post alone would be enough to fill it. I saw a report of a couple of new characters coming in, so there are obviously going to be some new threads there. Are we going to have enough time for all of it? I wouldn't complain if we got more episodes, or if each episode was over an hour long a la Rings of Power.

I simultaneously want Halo S2 immediately because I'm impatient, and want it to take as long as possible because I'm afraid it will take all the worst parts of S1 and magnify them. Also I have tons of fanfic to write and don't need canon getting in the way.

I really need to go into my drafts and find my rant about how short seasons are ruining TV because that's the root of my gripe here.

Anyway. If you read this far, did I miss anything?

#halo #halo season 2 #halo the series #halo tv #halo tv show #halo paramount

[teddybeartoji]

MICKEY…… im sorry im literally so scatterbrained i COMPLETELY forgot to answer ur question abt shoko’s role in the ihtctaot universe 😭😭😭 IT HIT ME OUT OF NOWHERE i was like did mickey ask me abt shoko or did i make that up….. bUT i finally remembered and im here to help (hopefully maybe) :’3 

I LOOOVVEEEE THE IDEA OF ESTRANGED CHILDHOOD FRIENDS SHOKO/KNIGHT!READER R U KIDDING ME…… i also feel like it makes sense for shoko to maybe have a tough upbringing? or like. maybe she grew up in a run-down area and thats how they met… bc im assuming that reader didnt have it easy as a child :cc BUT ANYWAY;;;;;

tbh when i was writing my own fic i kinda pictured shoko as someone who just hangs around the castle and helps the maids now and then. good at patching people up, knowledgeable abt treatment and etc… maybe hired by the royal family to be a nurse of sorts? idk but i do see her as someone Mysterious. just kinda appears when she wants to. easily misunderstood bc she has unsettling vibes but shes nice!! mostly.

THOSE R JUST MY SPONTANEOUS THOUGHTS THOUGH im sorry i forgot abt this… 😔😔 i think i was so excited to answer that my brain blocked it out LMAOO but…!!! im always happy to talk abt shoko <33 and i cant wait to see what u do w her character!!

NOOO RUSHH EVERRRRR i literally send u like a novel lmao

but ahhhh ari ari ari the way our brains are not kissing they are now making out ok i was literally thinking about the same things about her. like everything u said........................

the estranged childhood friends ahhhhhhhhh it's so good i'm thinking something sooomething about the reader going out of their way to help shoko out when they were kids. like they were both more like street kids (i think shoko was more quiet so she came off as more "manageable" so i think she'd find a house to stay at but the reader still had to be out and shoko felt soooooooo bad and tried to make up for it by always fixing them up whenever they fought with whoever)(but the reader never wanted shoko to feel bad they think it's just the way that it is - they're out on the street, they don't belong, don't fit in I'M CRYING) but then yeah something something the reader decides to move and learn how to be a better fighter and shoko is left behind BUT NOT FOR LONG bc now this fancy ass little white haired teenager is here tagging along a sulky dark haired boy and whooo boy she now has new friends (yay) and satoru definitely gave her a room somewhere on the first floor, kind of hidden away with her own little garden area overlooking the ocean (that's where they all hang out at)(every time sugu leans on the railing to look at the sea at some point satoru comes up and scares him a little and sugu's eyebrows always furrow and he aaaaaalways hits him on his shoulder)(and shoko pretends they're annoying but in reality she's so glad to have them)

#ehehehehehehhehehehe doing so well #not thinking at all #head sooooooo empty #how am i supposed to sleep like this #ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #they're my loves #OH and she always patches us sugu when he comes back from a battle while satoru looks at them with his head resting on his arms #yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #ihtctaot #ari <3 #friends!!

[rahleeyah]

Leah, I love your writing, I do, but… where was the scene of the squad finding out about Gabi? This earth-shattering thing, this massive revelation about Olivia that they never knew about, and you didn’t put it in? Especially since Gabi has been to the precinct? You even started off with the hostage situation and Amanda and then never followed up… I hate to say this because I’ve never felt this way about your writing, but honestly it feels like you got bored with this one and rushed the ending.

You know what? I did! I did get bored! I was tired of it! And it turns out that I am a person, like an actual human and not a fic machine, and I am writing for fun, and therefore am under no obligation to keep working on something that isn't fun for me any more! There were a million threads that I could have continued to follow with this story. It could've been another twenty chapters easy, if I was going to explore every important avenue in this story. Dear God, I couldn't have handled that. I wanted to give y'all a nice little ending instead of simply abandoning it, or worse, struggling for months to continue to churn out chapters that I didn't like and wasn't proud of.

And with fic, as with any story, it is impossible to cover every single angle, and so it is up to the audience to fill in the blanks how they want. If you want the Amanda reveal you are welcome to day dream about it to your heart's content, and imagine it going however you like. I simply did not want to write it. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist in this verse, or that I forgot about it; I just didn't want to do it.

And I'm sorry I let y'all down, and all, but like. Not every story is gonna be perfect. Not every story is gonna be a complete novel. Sometimes I am gonna get bored. This is my hobby, not my job. You can't expect me to write every story perfectly, when I am continually growing - which includes making mistakes - and I'm sorry but some of em just aren't gonna hit.

But thanks for making feel like shit about it! That was super cool.

#anonymous #e.o asks #s.vu

[achaiapelides]

Kit's Diary

Chapter 6

Dear Ty,

today I'm only going to write a short entry as I'm super tired because I read way too much of "Romeo and Juliet". I'm going to tell you about that later. But first there's something from yesterday I forgot to tell you:

Tessa and Jem encouraged me learn some language because that would be helpful if I ever want to be an active Shadowhunter. So I elected Spanish and German. Spanish because little Rafe speaks it and Magnus too, obviously, and I think it sounds really nice. Tessa also learned Spanish when she went to school and said it's not that difficult to learn. And German because I found this really cool movies that I wanted to watch, but they're only in German and they don't have English subtitles, so I'm now learning German instead. Yesterday I had my first Spanish lesson. The teacher, Mrs Stephenson is really young and also can teach really well. The lesson was fun. We learned how to greet people and state who we are and how old we are. Hola, me llamo Kit. Tengo dieciséis años. ¿Y cómo te llamas? Did you understand that?

At home, I had a talk with Tessa in Spanish. It's actually pretty easy to learn.

Especially compared to German, in which I had my first lesson today. It's very difficult and my head hurt a bit after the lesson. But the teacher, Mrs Seymour is really good and seemed to be everyone's favourite teacher. She's really motivated and tries to help everyone catch up if they don't understand something. Though she also said that we have to learn the grammar and vocabulary regularly, otherwise we won't be able to follow the lessons because you need to learn a lot of stuff. Here, we also learned how to greet people and talk about us. I can now say: Hallo, ich heiße Kit. Ich bin sechzehn Jahre alt. Und wie heißt du?

After German, we had history again, afterwards lunch and then English. It was very interesting, obviously, but we got a lot of homework. In history we had to write a biography in keywords about one of Henry's VIII wives. I chose Anne Boleyn. And in English we have to read the whole play in the next three weeks. And it is so long. And the way Shakespeare writes is just ugh. My head starts hurting after only reading a paragraph, how am I supposed to read the whole play? We also got the tasks we had to do in our project. We habe to read the whole play, of course, then write a summary, a short characterization of all important characters in keywords and a full characterization of one character of our choice. Then, each of us has to think of a question, which we have to answer in a researched analysis of the play. After the autumn holidays, we have to give our work to the teacher and she will grade it, so it counts as our first exam of the semester.

For the rest of the hour we talked in our groups about analysis questions and which we find interesting. I already have an idea what mine is: Was the death of Romeo and Juliet really necessary? This sounds kind of depressing, but I think there are a lot if arguments against it, as well as some counter arguments. And you don't have to research too much.

After English we had different project suggestions and we could elect one. I chose the history project. The election almost took an hour, but for the remaining time, we talked about what we would do in the project. The teacher is also Mrs Addams and she explained, that we can each or in small groups choose a historical movie or novel and after reading, find out how much of it is historically accurate. As homework we have to research on different movies and books we find interesting and choose one.

Then we were free to go home, where I ate lunch alone because Jem and Tessa were at the doctor to get Mina vaccinated. I also started reading the play and continued after they returned and Mina went to bed. And I lost track of time, so now it's 1:30 am and I started to think in Shakespeare-English. After I answered Tessa’s question what I was doing with "Can thee not see?" and waving the script in front of her eyes, she laughed, but grabbed the paper and told me that I had definitely read enough for today and should go to bed.

So, that's what I will do now, hoping that I will dream of us. Not as Romeo and Juliet though. That would be even more traumatising than when we brought Livvy back to life. We don't want that right?

Love,

Kit

P.S. Whoops, now this entry got longer than I wanted it to be... well... it's 2:15. Future Kit will hate me in the morning.

Little announcement:

Firstly, happy new year, everyone!

Secondly, for the next weeks the updates may come irregularly because I have exam phase in university so I need to study a lot and don't have enough time and energy to write a lot. After February, the updates will probably be regularly again though, as I have holidays in March.

Thirdly, I have no idea how the British school system works, so I'm just making up my own, which is kind of a mix of British and German school system.

That's it. See you in the next update (hopefully next Monday). :-)

#shadowhunters #cassandra clare #the dark artifices #the shadowhunter chronicles #the wicked powers #christopher herondale #tsc #christopher jonathan herondale #kit herondale #kit x ty #secrets of blackthorn hall #sobh #fighting the post sobh monday depression #post sobh monday depression #kit blackthorn #ty x kit #kitty #kit's diary #ty blackthorn #ty herondale #tiberius nero blackthorn #tiberius blackthorn

[maniacalmole]

I've realised that not only did I forget to answer to your lovely comments on my "Writer's ask" post (I read them and they brightened my day), but I also forgot to send you some asks (and I was going to!) So, here are my questions (if you still want to take your mind off your work): 20, 30, 32, 35 (The original post is here, if you lost it: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/maniacalmole/689079306269442048?source=share)

It's been like a MONTH since you sent me this ask, and I'm sorry it took me so long to answer, but thank you so much for sending me these!!! <3

20. If a witch offered you the choice between eternal happiness with your one true love and the ability to finally finish, perfect, and publish your dearest, darlingest, most precious WIP in exactly the way you've always imagined it — which would you choose? You can’t have both sorry, life’s a bitch

Rude witch....

I'm going to try to bargain, here. If I don't get my book published, does this mean I can never write it? Does it mean I can never think about it again? Can I still write and attempt to publish other books, just without the help of magic? As much as I want to share my story with others, it's ultimately for me, so if I can still at least think about it, then maybe that's enough....

I hope this isn't a betrayal of my very self or my soul or anything, but I think I'd choose my one true love. Good friendships are a wonderful thing, and really strong connections, which are even more rare, are....damn. So I think that's even more important to me. Usually my desire to share my writing is my desire to be known and loved for who I am, and sounds like I'd have that covered! But for once, I'm happy this genie-witch magic can't come true! I just have to struggle through the effort to find and make both happen like a normal mortal DX

30. Talk to me about the role dreams play in your writing life. Have you ever used material from your dreams in your writing? Have you ever written in a dream? Did you remember it when you woke up?

Sometimes, I think a dream is so FASCINATING and GOOD that I MUST use it in a story! But pretty much always, when I wake up, I realize it's not impactful at all, that was just the strong dream emotions. And lack of a need for logic. Why can't we have these strong uninhibited dream emotions in real life!?

I don't think I've ever dreamed up a story that I actually want to write, sadly. A few in the past that I considered, but I've mostly forgotten them now :( There was one about a dragon! But the plot seems weird now, and I'd never be able to capture the imagery that was the real draw.

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

This one was hard, because the only things I could think of were embarrassing or depressing. And from songs, but those are poems, in a way. But I'm just going to be honest.

"I've felt this bad for so long I'm scared I'm fine."

From the song "Guilttripping" by Frank Iero. I found it because I love MCR, and back when I was still on twitter, someone tweeted this lyric, and it hit me so hard I had to go and listen to one of the angstiest songs ever. But we NEED these songs. And I think, after all this time, the reason why is this--if it's worth pointing out, then it CAN'T be our normal, right? If we're writing lyrics about it, then it's not just the boring natural state of things. If we feel that bad, then there has to be something wrong. Then we have to keep fighting to fix it.

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

Oh, so many. Kill your darlings? Take one step towards them and YOU'RE dead. Don't use adverbs? Fuck swiftly off.

But the one I destroy most.....Write every day. Or I'll never be a writer? HA. How DARE you imply that my absolute disaster of an ability to function in a really-very-easy-life is going to stop me from writing just because I don't get around to it as often as I should? My soul will talk when it wants.

#Thanks again so much sonnetnumber23! <3<3<3 #asks

[krakenartificer]

Hello! I somehow came across a post of yours about the effect of menstrual cycles on adhd meds and you talked about tracking effects and everything. I only just started medication (in my 30s, late diagnosis for the win) but how does one go about figuring such things out?

Late diagnosis is such an improvement on never-diagnosis! Congrats on getting meds!

I wish I had an easy solution for you, but the way I figured it out is that I've been tracking my ADHD symptoms, the amount of adderall I took, and the section of my cycle I'm in (which can only be determined retroactively, because my cycle is irregular af), every day, for the last 8 months.

I've got a spreadsheet where I just have to enter the date, and (once I have it) the date my next period starts, and it will calculate the percentages and everything. And each day, I rate myself on a 0-5 scale, how much I'm struggling with:

working memory, aka "how many times today have I forgotten something literally seconds after I looked at it?"

tactifractitree problems, aka "I can't even hold all the pieces in my head, never mind figuring out how they all fit together into a 'plan'"

emotional regulation, aka "how many times today has a tiny thing caused me to entirely freak out?"

task initialization, aka "I know what to do, I know how to do it, I want to do it, but when I try to do it, I just .... don't."

need stimulus, aka "I have no idea what to do, so I'm going to end up doing the first task that crosses my field of vision, regardless of how useful or urgent that task is"

hyperfocus, aka "I can concentrate really well, but I don't get to choose what I'm concentrating on"

grasshopper brain, which is what I call that state where you have so many thoughts in your head and they're bouncing around like grasshoppers in a jar and every time you try to capture one of them you get smacked with three others

Inability to cope with changes, aka "I am perfectly functional as long as everything goes exactly according to plan."

And honestly, it's very much a work in progress, and I dislike a lot of things about it. I feel like maybe working memory and tactifractitree are actually the same problem? But I'm not sure. Inability to cope with changes is definitely a subset of emotional regulation, but for me personally I sometimes have times when I'm not freaking out about anything else, I'm only upset about changing plans. It might be that those times aren't actually emotional regulation at all? That they're tactifractitree problems where I can't see the big picture well enough to figure out how to adapt to the new circumstances?

And hyperfocus is a bad thing when it forces me to work on my novel or to make pie charts about Alexander Hamilton rather than doing my actual job, but honestly I kinda like it when I can do 20 hours' of work in a 10-hour workday because everything is coming together in godlike clarity, or when I'm able to write 7000 words on my novel in an evening. So do I need, like, a hyperfocus (affectionate) and a hyperfocus (derogatory), or something?? I don't know. And even if so, how do I keep myself from crashing at the end of it because I forgot to eat?

Worst of all, the ability to examine your executive function, and determine where on that spectrum you lie, is a thing that requires executive function. So while I'm pretty sure that on my good days, I'm accurately recording how well I'm doing, I suspect that I sometimes have bad days that are bad enough that they prevent me from knowing how bad it is. I'm trying to come up with objective, measurable ways to determine the problems, but I haven't been able to find any that seem to track well.

But, all that said, and even with those limitations, I'm delighted to have even just the information I have been able to glean, which is that I do, definitely, need my adderall to come in half-dose pills, so that I can choose whether to take 0, 1, or 2 pills on any given day. And I'm pretty sure that the pattern corresponds roughly with first-half and second-half of my cycle. I've started measuring my basal body temperature each morning, and we'll see if that has any greater clarity.

Anyway, I made a spreadsheet, and I make sure I update that spreadsheet fairly consistently by

a) making the google doc with the spreadsheet one of my firefox homepages, so that it opens up on my screen every morning as soon as I open my web browser

b) adding a recurring "record health data" task to my to-do list, so it shows up each day

c) adding "record health data" to the app I use to track my morning routine, and

d) adding a "did I record health data?" to my habits tracker in my bullet journal.

The combination of the 4 of them means that I manage to get a record almost every weekday, and some weekends. And after 8 months, trends are kinda-sorta starting to appear.

(If anyone has better ideas, please please please tell me.)

#askbox #actually solicited advice #actually adhd #gpoy #spreadsheets #coping mechanisms #menstruation and adhd

[snortinguraniumoxide]

Little midnight Rant about Dostoevsky's Ippolit Terentyev!!!

What a surprise - a dark and gloomy Wednesday evening. I'm WAYYY too deep in my feels (maybe because of the depressing Spotify piano playlist that conveniently made its way to my ears), so I decided that I needed to pour my innermost thoughts regarding Ippolit's (Hippolite's?) character from "The Idiot" by Dostoevsky - it's very possible that NOBODY is going to read this but HEY, what do I have to lose if I just type some random doodoo here,,, SOOO BEFORE I START, excuse my potential grammar mistakes or any "spEeCH InCOnGRuencY" which I might spit out here, it's almost 12 am and I'm generally not one to write or describe my emotions on tumblr or anywhere else (this is my first post after all ;0) ENOUGH RAMBLING;;

I don't know what the majority of people in the fandom (is there a fandom? Lord tell me there is) think about Ippolit, but overall, I find this fella to be a VERY tragic character; he's also still quite relatable in the era we live in today, where young adults crave independence of thought and just want to live their life, bothered only by the occassional thought that they must make their youth "worth" reminiscing about at an old age. But I guess teenagers growing into adulthood have always been known for yearning autonomy. I've gathered that this idea, which both humanity and society have supported for so many years, is what makes Ippolit's character so realistic, so relatable-- and yet, I couldn't quite emotionally grasp "HIM", so to speak. I'm convinced many, whilst reading this youngster's "Confession" and evolution throughout the novel, have asked themselves; "What would I have done/would I do in his shoes?".

And that question crossed my mind, too - I find it to be nothing less than pretty terrifying. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but knowing that your youth will undoubtedly be cut short by a disease as ruthless as tuberculosis is not an easy pill to swallow. While others "live", you're cursed to count your remaining days and have your brain constantly remind you about how others were just lucky;; that, no matter what you try to do, you cannot escape your fate - and you can't carry on existing.

Perhaps his arch seemed so personal to me because I, too, am a young person who wants to carry on living, without knowing the days I have left (and now I'm talking more about myself than the character I'm dedicating this post to, sorry about that); imagine dealing with the thought that someday you won't have your childhood anymore, getting over it, becoming a teen, getting ready to fly the nest and go out on your own - then you're hit over the head with the CERTAINTY that you will have the rest of your life taken away, too. And not when you're old, in a best case scenario, having settled any business you wished to clarify before you left, and having lived a pleasurable couple of years on Earth - but while you're still forming and shaping as an individual. Now, Ippolit was undoubtedly smart and idealistic (poor baby), maybe TOO idealistic for his own good, so I see why he was angry in his letter; angry at the people who were fortunate enough to have the option to waste their days goofing around, simply thanks to the fact that they aren't painfully aware that their clock is ticking every minute of every day.

I genuinely think that, even though his opinions are sometimes VEEERY far-fetched, he is one to be empathized with - as someone who was destined for greatness, but, at the same time, was far away from achieving it.

I forgot most of what I wanted to type earlier, but I hope you enjoyed this hehe :> NOW TO DRAWING MORE IPPOLIT AND WISHING THAT HIS ARCH WASN'T SO TRAGIC!!!

#the idiot #fyodor dostoyevsky #russian literature #prince myshkin #hippoliteterentyev

[little-ature]

random talks: books

Gue baru sadar bahwa faktor terbesar gue kesulitan menulis akhir-akhir ini adalah karena gue semakin jarang baca buku atau baca bacaan yang cukup lengthy. I've been too comfortable with watching (short) videos which require less and lesser of my attention. Baca buku sekarang membutuhkan kesabaran lebih buat gue.. something I didn't know I would feel towards books.

As an attempt for me to practice writing, I will babble about books this time!

The Pageturner

I must say, I miss the excitement of trying to read pages after pages slowly, mindfully, because the book is too entertaining! The last time I felt that way was when I read Kevin Kwan's Crazy Rich Asians trilogy. I swear, the movie didn't do justice (at all) to how hilarious the book is! Kevin Kwan is such a genius writer, I'm certain nobody would dare say otherwise. There is something the way he writes that just makes the whole plot was much more enthralling. Baca Crazy Rich Asian mengingatkan gue pada novel-novel seri Hanafiahnya Sitta Karina, circa 2010-ish. She also captured the setting (and the specific product/series of the brands! lol) in detail, making the story more lively and easy to imagine. I remember her novels made my sisters and I went crazy about the characters (and the whole Hanafiah clan). Another pageturner book for me is The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Gue nonton filmnya duluan sih, dan gue cinta banget filmnya. It is undoubtledly one of my comfort movies. Gue selalu tertarik dengan premis yang berkaitan historical issue/era seperti racial segregation di US yang diangkat di film ini dan liberation from sex discrimination di film On the Basis of Sex. I bought the book in secondhand condition from e-commerce, in a perfect condition. By perfect, I mean the pages already turned yellow and has the particular dusty scent on it! I'm glad the book was well-loved by its previous owner. The plot in the book was more complicated than in the film (pastinya), dan jauh lebih bagus. Despite the controversies of Stockett's being bashed because writing a (so-called_ white-savior books, I think the book was brilliant. Gue gak melihat plotnya mendiskreditkan perjuangan people in color seperti yang dibilang sebagian orang. It's just a fiction afterall, and people can write anything they want. Speaking of pageturning books, gue juga baru inget kalau Seven Husband of Evelyn Hugo tuh BAGUS BANGET. SEBAGUS ITU, gue sampe sempet ngoceh panjang lebar di instagram story betapa gue bersyukur hidup di era ini karena sempet baca bukunya di hidup gue! Romance novel yang gak shallow at all. I swear if you haven't read it, you are missing a masterpiece in your life.

The First English Book

My first english fiction was Eleanor & Park. Oh boy how the novel changed my world and my youth! As someone who just turn into her adolescent phase, reading a romance novel with a relatable setting like Eleanor & Park offered me a beautiful experience. I felt the butterflies in my stomach as Rowell captured the small acts Park did to Eleanor in the bus and vice versa. I felt my cheek blushed and embarassed as I read the lonely-time-in-the-car scene. I felt hurt by the ending, the same feeling I got when I felt heartbroken in high school. I felt that love offers both comfort and hurt through reading this book while also experiencing it in real life occurs at the same time; and I will never forget that in my life.

The Ones I Don't Like

Gue baru sadar kalau gue gak enjoy baca self-help books. Some read fiction book to be inspired or to be guided. I read them for fun, and forgot about what it taught me quickly. I tried reading 101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think and felt mesmerized on the first few chapters, but I found it kind of repetitive and boring afterwards. I read the tiktok & instagram famous Conversations of Love, but I don't find it enjoyabl or inspiring. I was captivated by The Intelligents Trap's review and synopsys, and I couldn't even finish the second chapter up until now. Kalo gue inget-inget, kayaknya non-fiction book yang gue pernah baca dan gue inget gue enjoy cuma The Personal MBA yang gue beli waktu punya slight ambition untuk switch career options (wakakaka) pasca lulus kuliah. For a business book, bukunya sangat mudah dimengerti dan easy to read. Why Men Love Bitches juga cukup seru. Tapi ya lagi lagi itu, gue baca bukunya for entertainment purposes only. So far ga ada non-fiction atau self-help books yang life-changing bagi gue atau yang bener-bener gue take notes untuk diimplementasikan di hidup gue.

The Edgy Reads

I saw Breast & Eggs everywhere and the premise seems quite groundbreaking. The cover was majestic and the first few pages were promising. I somehow got the impression that this is the book which cool & edgy people nowadays read, hence I bought it. The plot was quite 'everywhere' to me and very slow-paced. I had a hard time finishing it.. hehe. Untung covernya keren buat jadi pajangan di meja. Another edgy reads of mine are edgy magazines. I collect a few of old Architectural Digests which I found very inspiring and aesthetically pleasing to look at (but don't read), a few The Monocle(s), design anthology, and F magazine i just recently purchased from Kinokuniya in Takashimaya (by the way, it was the biggest Kinokuniya I've ever gone to!). Simple aja, gue suka banget liat foto-foto dan layout majalahnya. I don't exactly read them, but I'd like to keep them forever and keep collecting them.

The Ones I Like, but Not Really (for some reason)

Normal People by Sally Rooney was achingly beautiful! The story was captivating, it caught me hooked from the beginning to end. It brought the class issues, self worth, pure connection between two persons, it felt intimate and raw. It was beautiful and aching at the same time. However, what's the most aching to me is not Marianne's struggles or the ending, but how Rooney purposely write with no speech marks (!!!). I prefer the movie to the book itself. Indah... banget. The whole sequence was picturesque and dreamy, paired with beautiful scoring from Stephen Rennicks. The movie destroyed me. The chemistry between Daisy-Edgar Jones & Paul Mescal was so real, gue suka lupa kalau Marianne dan Connel di filmnya hanyalah build-up characters.. I even forgot that the movie was fictional!

The Push by Ashley Audrain. Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng. A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara. Don't get me wrong, both are well-written dan bagus banget.. I just can't handle that much sadness and depressing vibes in a book. Still recommend you to read them though.

What else?