#i hate a lot more but project is my personal ick

[teeto-peteto]

…Out of curiosity, what’s your least favourite skin line?

ah i see... blood, i like that.

Ok so i hate Riot and i like destroying like a kaiju with rabies so, i consider a skinline something that has at least 2 sets, cause saying Zenith Games would be repetitive and we all know that was a literal crime. So if i had to say one, Project.

Okay, the first release of Project was good, i dont really remember if i saw the release when i started playing, but the initial skins were good. The colors were well put on, the whole mecha but prothesic but futuristic stuff was well glued together, the designs were neat! They were simpler, but well put together. The only itch i have is that they made women have like, at least the half down of her face uncovered while the men champions get all their face covered. But yeah, Riot making gendered accentuations in skins, we have been knew, it keeps happening.

Master Yi and Ashe were cool when they came out eventually, again i think they are neat (gendered nonetheless) and Yi had cool interactions, Ashe had that toggle where she uncovers/covers with her hood when surrounded by enemies or being alone, wich is cool for a legendary skin from back in the day.

Vayne, Vi and Jhin were also good, Jhin is iconic, i think Vayne has a good skin, Vi went kinda on the irrelevant hole but its a neat skin nonetheless. See this is exactly what happends in all of the skinlines riot has exploited. They make good shit until they realize they can milk fans EVEN MORE and then start to get lazy.

I dont understand the downgrade with the next skin set. It was hideous, they made Pyke so dirty with a literal scam skin that recycles the default animations a lot of the time but still costs 15 dollars, and the whole story was very mushy imo. The gender remark on the skins started to get frustrating. Cause of course Irelia is pink cause shes a woman and she's also showing her face, Fiora was pink. Katarina is also pink. Jinx is purple thank god but thats probably because she was released alongside Irelia because in another case they would have made her PINK cause she's a GIRL. On the other hand Akali is there and everyone has ONE colour just not to mess up with the palette but they give her BLUE hair and RED weapons. Honey just pick a damn fucking colour you cant have both.

Since then everything has been crashing down, honestly i cant remember when did Katarina and Ekko appear but they were before Pyke and his gang release and i dont think they are bad skins entirely i just think its obvious that Kata is pink. At least they also show Ekko's half face.

There's this weird ass change (i didnt read the lore nor i care but...) were they were like robots at first and there was also human characters and now they're just HUMAN CHARACTERS or human characters stuck in ANIMAL MECHA SUITS im loosing a braincell typing this. Project Mordekaiser? They said it was the best skin in the whole game. Im not anyone to interfere on their opinion and i think their opinion is great but here's my angry opinion: Bullshit, fan inflated, male character oogabooga, if they did same with a female character everyone would be zzz. Project Renekton is eh? Project Warwick is also an eh? No clue why they started with a lets make the animal characters in project and put guys inside like. They dont know about the springlocks wink wink. I often forget Sejuani exists in this universe but yeah she has a robot pig. Or is it a guy in four inside a pig suit? Tell me cause i didnt get the memo quite well. Senna is purple cause making her pink was going to be obvious and anyway doesnt fit her aesthetic but its also a forgettable skin, at leasy you can pair it with Lucian, her face being shown of course cause yeah Riot being creative. Project Sylas is HIDEOUS i've never seen such a terrible concept of a skin he's just himself in his canon outfit but with changed colours and they keep trying to sell it to me for 10 dollars. Project Varus is literally the same as Akali but less painful, honey just pick a colour you cant be blue and yellow. Icky.

In conclusion: Girls in mecha futuristic suits show their faces cause they are too pretty to be covered even when there are laser blasters and stuff falling from the ceiling. Sylas is shirtless and thats his entire personality in the skinline. They made Pyke dirty (honestly this is my most painful statement, im drying my tears with my Project: Pyke and his 7 chromas). There are guys inside animal suits but Bristle is there so i just raise my eyebrow in confusion. Mordekaiser being the best thing to ever happen to humanity after the discovery of fire according to the fans. Etc

Anyway, set in on fire.

#i hate a lot more but project is my personal ick #its my 'oh lord again? a fucking again? #i didnt like empyreans either but the story and the mv made it more gullable for me #pyke content but at the cost of having another scifi esque skin

[imperiuswrecked]

(Speaking of that fanart of Namor by Alex Ross w/women all over him) Is Namor into orgies? .... Esp w/him as the only guy? I thought he drank respect women juice? ???? Is this a dudebro fantasy projection on him or actually ic of him?

"Your arrogance sickens me, Beekeeper. Only Namor has the ability to make the earth move. And he reserves that privilege for one woman at a time. Unless they have experimental friends."

Uncanny X-Men (1963) 534.1

Uncanny X-Men (2012) #1

You didn't, you didn't really imperius sex her!

A mere gentleman does not tell. A king is far more discreet.

Ick. Ick. Ick.

You are only showing your parochialism and prejudice. There are many forms of beauty. She is a dignified queen of a noble people. Namor is nothing if not cosmopolitan in his tastes.

Uncanny X-Men (2012) #8

Those are some examples of Namor's thoughts + sex. There's others in the comics.

Is Namor into orgies?

Yes. He's also polyamorous if he's in an open relationship(s).

Especially with him as the only guy?

This is Marvel, I'd have a higher chance of sprouting wings from my ankles than getting Marvel to admit Namor is bi/pansexual. All we get is canceled queer storylines or heavily veiled hints that Namor isn't 100% straight. Examples of which I've listed before on my blogs.

I thought he drank respect women juice? Is this a dude bro fantasy projection on him or actually in character of him?

Yes, he drinks respect women juice. He doesn't like when others hurt or talk down to women. He isn't misogynistic however he is written by men. Most male writers are misogynistic. Sometimes that comes through in certain writing. We cannot separate that fact from character interpretation.

Just because Namor enjoys orgies or has a very casual sex life doesn't mean he looks down on or hates women or just uses them. Out of over 80 years of writing, he's been in a total of 3 serious long-term relationships with women (married twice, widowed twice) and 2 short-term romances. He's had a few flings. Namor is pretty monogamous in comparison to other comic characters. So while there could be some projection, (and there certainly is a lot of projection when it comes to the NamorSue ship) I personally find it in character for Namor to enjoy sex and pleasure. Just because he isn't ashamed of his whorish ways doesn't mean he's a womanizer.

Another thing to consider is that Namor's character flaws of arrogance, ego, and machoism doesn't mean he's a misogynist. Terms he uses sometimes like, woman, female, wench is imo mainly due to the fact he's Archaic or that Marvel sets Atlantis in type of old fantasy so that's terms they use. Wench being associated with sea/sailors as well.

I've always said that if a writer has Namor being misogynistic to women then they've failed to understand the character.

Maybe when I have time I can break down more about Namor's supporting cast, the women in his world, and how he is written across various decades.

#namor #namor the sub mariner #imp answers

[ay-chuu]

heyhey! is the matching event still opened? if so i would like a matchup for twisted wonderland

i go by they/she pronouns and i usually like to wear cutesy clothing with slight macabre themes (pills, syringes, bandages all that. look up yami kawaii for more stuffs) these can vary between pastel and somewhat gothic/scene. i am also 159 cm, if that accounts to anything.

my zodiac sign is aries and i am an intj with a 4w5 enneagram. as far as general personality type stuff goes, riamu yumemi and shin sato are pretty on the mark but i suppose i'm just not as open abt me being mentally ill than riamu is considering i just mask my emotions a lot of the time.

and my hobbies consist of astronomy, music compositions, and stag beetle terrariums!

as far as my pet peeves go, i hate sudden loud noises or constantly loud noises as the latter gives me a migraine after awhile. slimy food textures and foods that trigger my gag reflex as well is a massive ick for me too. i also despise slow-paced tasks since they easily make me bored and then i get distracted to do something else

my favorites are relatively spread out, i don't consume much television or movies so it's pretty much games and music for me. i like rhythm games such as project sekai, bandori, and idolmaster and i like games that fall into the rpg genre like pokemon, omori, earthbound, yume nikki, etc. with this, i do quite enjoy visual novels too. as far as music goes, i like a lot of punk rock but sometimes i'll consume other genres (fav english song is love me dead by ludo and atm my fav jp song is shoujo rei by mikitop)

as far as musical artists go, it can vary quite a lot. my most notable ones are probably pepoyo, shinra-bansho, akatsuki records, mcr, and green day.

i am so sorry that was longer than intended, i hope you have a good day and be sure to stay hydrated! ^^

Thanks for your good wished love and i really like your style! ヽ(o＾▽＾o)ノ

I match you with... (っ＾▿＾)💨

VIL SCHOENHEIT

First of all, when we look at the zodiac and MBTI features, you are quite compatible. You're both Aries, so you two are stubbornly committed to your goals as possible. What I would say for INTJ and ENFJ is that you can help Vil when he has unnecessary emotional tantrums about himself and he gives you the long self-care conversations that you wish. Rather, you complement each other in terms of your needs, and that's something you both want and respect.

I see some "haters to lovers" among you, Because at first you thought Vil was needlessly selfish and different and he didn't like the way you stare at him even though you're beautiful and interesting JKLFGJKDFLGDF I think you respected him after the events of book 5 and you respected each other You started to know and love!

He likes your taste in clothes, I think he thinks it reflects the sweetness of your introverted personality. Apart from that, he likes that you care about himself, give importance to him and your commitment to life. He always feels so happy and proud when talking about your commitment to your goals together. But even if he doesn't admit it, his favorite feature about you is that you are understanding and more relaxed, making him feel at peace with himself no matter what <3

I think the problem with your relationship is that you sometimes stay away from long-term goals and he is sometimes overly obsessed. Because he wants the best for you, he wants his goals to be long-focused and you want him to relax and not be so hard on himself, which causes fights between you. But at the end of the day, because you realize that the things you fight for are the value you give yourself, you put your pride aside and make peace.

Some of the memories i imagine for you two: A long night spent together at the mall, secretly making funny faces and laughing together while choosing a meal, Renting an arcade saloon for you one night and playing arcade for you laughing together until the morning even though he normally cares about your and his sleep a lot, and "You're Slaying today too, my queen" words given to each other :D

#by.aychu #matching/shipping event! #vil schoenheit #twst #twisted wonderland #vil schoenheit x reader #twst vil #vil

[xxxmasterkali]

Current Project I'm working on! 🤫💅📲🅰

Cast Alison DiLaurentis - Aqua Aria Montgomery - Xion Hanna Marin - Kairi Spencer Hastings - Namine Emily Fields - Strelitzia Caleb Rivers - Sora Ezra Fitz - Riku Toby Cavanaugh - Roxas Mona Vanderwaal - Skuld Mike Montgomery - Axel Lorenzo Calderon - Terra

I am making a few changes to this version. Here are the changes

Ezria - When I was younger, I absolutely shipped Ezria & without the obvious factors that play into their relationship, I still kind of enjoy them & feel Ezra is still a genuine person who really loves Aria, HOWEVER, I don't condone their relationship & the fact that Ezra knew who she was prior to meeting is kinda like wtf to me. I feel like the time jump makes me feel slightly better about it because at that point Aria is an adult & they went their separate ways & found their way back to each other. Having said that, I'm going to make it so Riku is in his first year of college & is like a teacher's aid or something so there's still like that element of a forbidden romance but I just don't want the massive age gap there, but I also still kinda want to do that Ezra reveal, but maybe I'll change it up so Riku doesn't know who Xion is prior. Either way, I'm trying to play with different ideas so it's not nearly as bad or unappealing as Ezria on the show. I know how people feel about it & it is completely understandable because it is pretty ick. I really don't want to recreate that dynamic because I am not okay with it & my boy Riku ain't gonna be like that.

Older Characters - So the other older characters on the show (Melissa, Ian, Jason, Garrett, etc.) I'm not entirely sure what their ages are on the show but they're only going to be 2 graduating classes ahead of the Liars because again the age thing for me is ick. Like I can't believe how many age gap relationships are on this show. Wtf. Also the Liars will be in their senior year of HS instead of junior so Aqua will have disappeared at the start of their junior year. Might be a few blips in the road by changing this, but I'll make it work.

Emison - Emily & Alison really isn't one of my most favorited couples on the show. I really loved Emily with Maya, but of course we know what happens to Maya if you have watched the show. So I either will try & do something different with Maya, change her fate, or create a whole new character for Strelitzia to end up with. & honestly I kinda liked Lorenzo with Alison. I really liked Lorenzo, he seemed like a really good guy & wish we got more of him & him with Alison. So Terra will play the part of Lorenzo.

Time Jump - I'm not entirely sure if I will do the time jump or not, if I even get that far. There were a lot of things in the time jump I hated (ex. Spaleb). I actually kinda like where season 6A left off. But if I do the time jump, Spaleb or in this version Sora & Namine will NOT be a thing.

So those are just some of the major changes that I've been thinking about, I'm sure there will be more along the way but that's what I've got for now. Listen, if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, especially regarding how I can change Ezria because I've been struggling with ideas, I'm all ears!

Pilot

#kingdom hearts #kairi #sims4 #namine #aqua #xion #strelitzia #prettylittleliars

[nerves-nebula]

OKAY UPDATE I MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN AN EXTRODINARILY MINISCULE AMOUNT OF SLEEP BUT I'M ON SEASON 2 EPISODE 6 NOW (just finished it) AND YOO

ANIMATION IS ALWAYS AWESOME, THE FIGHTS ARE ABSOLUTELY EPIC AND THE CHARACTERS HAVE ALL DEVELOPED!

I feel like in season 2 they found their footings with thecharacters, and also LEOOOOO LETS GOO they gave my boy (neutral) the episode focus that I wanted and more!! And Splinter doesn't feel as sus now, he's just a funny rat man methinks. What came off as ick is just him having no thoughts but pretending he has all of the

(<- I don't have a solid opinion on him yet, part of me thinks they're doing a decent job incorporating him more but part of me wonders why they're not talking about everything else like yea he's trying now but the brothers are starved for any attention from him so that's kinda an unhealthy dynamic???? IDK plus I'm probably projecting xD)

BUT BACK TO LEO!! Leo my darling I am loving how he's sticking out more as a character (? if that makes sense). He's less of "oh hey blue brother" and more like HEY IT'S LEO! I think it's great that they touched upon the fact that he isn't listened to as much (though in previous episodes Donnie tends to be the person that will trust Leo's judgment, but in less serious situations?) He's got SO much going on, he is harnessing gender, sass, and I think that he's like a partner to Donnie's genius (emotional smarts vs non-emotional smarts. Leo knows how to manipulate situations into his favour and able to predict people's behaviours and reactions. Really cool and I love how they're showing that more) <- also I am vibing so much with your Leo gender comments like YEAH you're right

My opinions on Raph are mostly the same, I just really like himand think he's fun. Raph is being more protective in this season both in checking in on the others more but also trying to push them so he can see they can protect themselves (so he doesn't have to worry about them as much? It's interesting development, though I think he deserves to be wrapped in a blanket and given his favourite foods (if he finds comfort in that sorta thing). He's great!

Mikey!! Same as Raph I like how they've developed his character more and he is SO youngest sibling vibes. Epic seeing him get better at fighting and how he doesn't have to sacrifice his naturally not-overly-serious nature to be like that. He's growing and probably has committed multiple pranks off screen, love that for him <3

DONNIE!!!! He's great my autism beam is locked and loaded and firing. The fact that one of the first things he did when he had to develop some level of technology in the woods was making a shell cover means something to me. Blorbo creature, but I want to finish season 2 before I read any fanfiction to avoid spoilers.

ALSO JUST MENTIONING DONNIE AND LEO DISASTER TWINS! They feel more like twins in sweason 2 like they have a secret dynamic and it's funnn! They feel more like equals in a way?? though that could've been that they were still getting used to writing the characters in season 1 and they settled more into a rhythm in season 2? Might be that I'm noticing more, but anyways it's great! Love that for them!

QUICK THOUGHTS: even though Big Mama and Splinter are canonically exs, they do NOT have the amount of exs vibes that Draxum and Splinter have. They are so divorced, such exs. Had Draxum not been so obtuse when he successfully kidnapped Splinter I feel like they could've had something, ya know (pre-mutant turtle era). Draxum mentioning that Splinter likes the turtles a lot before mutating them makes me feel like if Splinter said he hated them Draxum might have considered another animal lowkey.

THE REVEAL OF THE BROTHERS' ORIGINS!! So it debunks a lot of my previous ask BUT I still headcannon a fair amount of it. Lowkey playing with the idea that Raph and Leo are considered the oldest because those are the two turtles Splinter picked up first and interacted with <- does that make sense? IDK but I think that would be the FUNNIEST reveal

I will be going back to watch the rest of season 2 but after learning about so much more I HAD to send an update! The show is SO good and I started watching it at the perfect time (<- you don't need to know my life but something shitty happened just before the weekend and I was planning to have an existential crises but instead as part of a trauma response my brain attached to this instead and it will now become a personality trait and now ROTTMNT will exist permanently within me, It's happened with a few other things but ANYWAYS) and it's so fantastic to watch. I will share theories later when I'm at least half way through this second season. I hope season 3 comes out soon, but I saw that there was a movie so I'll watch that after season 2!

GOING FERAL THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TALKING ABOUTT THE SHOW BECAUSE THIS ONE WAS OF THE BEST DECISIONS I'VE MADE IN A WHILE. TO BINGE AND WATCH AND OOOOOOOOOOOO IT'S GOOD

YOU'RE ON SEASON 2 ALREADY??????? glad that I've affixed this show as a permanent part of ur personality >:) now we can talk about it >:)

also I'm so sorry but the show is uhhhh WELL its been cancelled (or "paused" but it doesn't look good tbh) and hasn't had a new season since 2019,,,,,, BUT THE MOVIE IS SOOOO FUCKING GOOD so maybe that'll make up for it ? :')

AND UR SO RIGHT ABOUT draxum and splinter having more Divorced Vibes than splinter and big mama asfdfdf it's WILD but I love it

TO BE HONEST I LOVE SPLINTER but I am also of the opinion that its like, a Good Person but Bad Parent situation. he was kind of a shitty neglectful dad before season 2 :') he loves his boys for sure but like ! !!! ough! !

I actually binged rottmnt over last summer so I'm not as fresh on the specifics as I used to be, but I've been watching clips and random episodes to remind me of how certain characters act or w/e and its SOOO FUNNN augAHGAG. So another binge might be imminent,,, we'll see.

#nnstuff #ask #asks are sweethearts #rottmnt

[waitimcomingtoo]

I feel like we’re literally friends and you give the best advice, You can totally skip over this if you want !!

Since the pandemic started I’ve been kinda stuck at home (seeing only close friends outside or masked!!) and since my parents are higher risk I have to be extremely careful for their sake. It was honestly kinda a blessing in disguise because I hated high school and got to stay home my entire junior and senior year doing remote learning 😮‍💨 I lost a lot of friends (good riddance anyway because they were fake!) and school itself was just awful and filled with toxic people! Anyways, the year is almost over and I’m graduating in a week! But as excited I am for college I am so nervous. I haven’t been around people in so long and I’m so terrified about making new friends !! I’m even more terrified about talking to guys since I’ve only had one relationship and haven’t dated since because my ex gave me super bad trauma lol !! I am praying there will be nice people to make friends with and really cute nerdy, Peter Parker type guys there 😫

You don’t know how badly I want to date a guy like Peter Parker why are they so hard to find 🙁

Congratulations on graduating soon! I think you’ll like college a lot better. You don’t have to be friends with people just bc you see them every day. You can connect with people you actually like and want to be around. Making new friends will happen naturally. Personally I hate those ice breaker type of events some colleges do that try to force you into making friends. Just put yourself out there, especially during group projects and group discussions. That’s where I made my most of my friends. As for nice Peter Parker type of guys in college, don’t set your bar too high. Remember that if you read a lot of fanfic, the Peter personality you’re looking for was most likely written by women. Men don’t really act as nice as their fictional counterparts. I personally like dating apps bc you can talk to a lot of people at once but it’s low stakes enough that you can just stop replying if you get the ick. I think you’ll be fine in college with making new friends and meeting people. I can already tell you’re a cool person so I doubt you’ll have trouble. Just take things one day at a time. Good luck in college!! 💜💜

[daisysprimordialplayground]

My favorit gemstones/crystals as of now

Smoky Quartz

Pyrite

Red Moss Agate (i am ridiculously drawn to all agates, kind of like with the different kinds of quartz)

Chalcedony

(I am also ridiculously drawn to Turquoise, Red Garnet, Rhodonite)

I used to LOVE Hematite/feel drawn to it. Now, though, it just seemd meh. Which is weird. Oh wait. That's just with the beads (which I used to be drawn to) I am still drawn to the stone. And really like it. Count it a favorite.

Dragon's Blood Stone repusles me. But they're cool-looking. The towers don't repulse, though. Certain ones, at least. Even the rough/from the ground stones are not rifht to me/resonate wrong. I am actually being drawn to a tower/group of them, now. But it's an etsy picture. Maybe it is inviting me to learn? Is there an entity (oh..wait. i was going to say is there an entoty other than a dragon associated with it? I dont think a dragon association is roght, per se. Something like that. Or it is but it's missing the main association? Idk. Just what it felt like) Pic of something interesting about it below. I think it is/wants to be Jasper. When I think Drsgon Blood Jasper, it feels fine. But 'stone' and 'chalcedony quartz'? Fuck em. I'm curious if throughout history it was associated as Jasper, but now scientists are like TeChNiCallY....

I am NOT drawn to Jade at all. And despite liking it I find it kind of repulses me, in a sense. It's weird. But also Emerald is my birthstone and I fucking hate it despite liking that kind of green. Idk what that is about.

Interesting. I ws actually drawn to the ones pictured below. The beads and the statues, though? Ick. I think I just like rocks. I found a soap at a shop that literally juat smelled like rock/stone and it was my favorite.

I always forget my favorites, so often create lists. This will likely be updated in a little bit as O search. The two I listed were always my favorites growing up, that is why I remember them.

I know it's weird that pyrite is my favorite since it is Fool's Gold...but lets just say I wish gold had the color of pyrite. Bronze/Brass/ copper are my favorite metallic looks. I don't like yellowish/orangeish gold. Idk what to even call the golds that I do like.

And COPPER! NOT Rose Gold, though rose gold is better than a the golds I mentioned disliking. If they're not too pinkish.

It felt fine until I got to the symbology. It felt more than fine/like I was at peace woth it. I dont think we know the true spiritual properties/symbolic meaning of them anymore. I'm going to do some research on that real fast.

That websote seems to get a lot wrong about it. Is it just me, though? It may be a personal relation to it kond of thing.

To me, I need to think of it as dirty. Hand/foot/maybe digestive system, not what we'd typically associate with Root, sacral, heart. It's very interesting. Also, why does a stone have astrology associated with it?

I think I know another project to start/work on when nothing else wants to be worked on.

This makes a LOT of sense.

I'm definitely going to start making oracle decks for this kind of stuff!

[growthpeacelove]

Playing nurse

getting the ick at the same time. Have to reflect on this. Trying to understand all these feelings.

I think I tend to look past a lot of things - certain realities and character traits. Let me just list it out

Lives a chaotic life - first the home is not fully lived in and it feels very temporary and that doesn’t make me feel better. I want an escape aka a clean place to go to.

Basic adult stuff - I don’t want to keep explaining / trying to organize and simply - I DONT WANT TO FIX ANYONE or date potential.

I am the emotional support person here and it’s that realization that men don’t create support systems for themselves and turn to women for that. Frankly it is tiring

The convo about the label - incited by him and yet he doesn’t want to just say it. This in between - I don’t care for it. Not that I have been exclusive anyways. I need to talk to my life coach about this. I’m going to book the second appt soon.

He keeps trying to present requests in a long winded project way - I hate that - just say what you want. Don’t have to dress it up when in reality you need help w a task. I came to that realization last night.

Lack of details and planning - I need someone who will go into planning or detail mode when they mention anything. I should not have to ask What Where When Why How every time.

It’s a lot of things that I looked past and I was busy with my own rotation and life and now I’m like whew I’m kinda over all of this.

Now is not the time to end it of course. And I am not sure I will anytime soon. It’s more like I wanted to check in and realize what I do need.

Am I doing too much? Could I have better? Should I just be single?

Idk - sometimes I miss the last one bc he had a lot of these traits figured out / present / life stuff figured out.

I know I like older that’s for sure. It’s like my friend said

You both can’t be too chaotic you need someone who is holding you back with a rope when you spiral/are chaotic.

He’s so right. I need better.

[causmonaut]

aaaand we’re back…

with another long ass post !!

documenting my stupidity immaturity:::::

she tweets: i love my bf!

he tweets: i love my gf!

she tweets: i miss my hubby i cant eat or sleep i cant breath i cant live like this

and hoooowwww do i see it? by logging into the acc i follow her on (to softblock everyone and keep the account as an archive since i had been using it for years)…

i !!! was confused? at first. then icked out… then hurt.

how do you shit on me for not even directly questioning your sexuality once because you loved to talk about dating men and dated and LOVED a man for 3 years, and say you’re a pure lesbian and i’m projecting by suggesting that you might have curiosity or the capacity to be attracted to men .. and then go date a man?

that part got me for a bit but her sexuality is really none of my business nor do i really care about it past the fact that she got super aggressive with me when i would question her comments. if she’s figuring out her sexuality then, good on her. i don’t believe in holding anyone to labels they’ve given themselves, it takes a long while before someone might settle (or decide not to settle) on whatever label(s) they feel comfortable with.

but it confirms that she’s with someone, it confirms that she likely lined him up soon after or before she dumped me which also stings because i think she’s shown me my worth to her so many times and it’s really not much. i think i was worth more than a few weeks of recovery? but it’s fine. i think she’s emotionally constipated and avoidant as fuck so i lowkey hope it all builds up and blows up in her face eventually (this is hateful, i’m rarely ever hateful…)

i decided to reach out before yesterday ended because it gave me an excuse to go and a: make it known that i know she’s a “lesbian” with a boyfriend and b: make it clear that i think it’s best i don’t have her on any of my social media accounts.. so i removed her on my defunct instagram… removed her from the server we used to share stuff and vc during games… took her out of groupchats with my friends.

her responses vv

“my tweets? do we still follow eo anywhere? but yeah, sure. please delete my personal info on there.”

“ooh i see”

“alright alright, thanks”

^^ putting these here.. for a few reasons

i think it’s important for me to reflect on how little energy she was giving me despite my long-winded over-explanations for my actions.. i wanted to make it clear i wasn’t removing her out of malice and stuff.. but really i don’t think i owed her the clarification.

i don’t think she thinks that deeply about things, and probably didn’t care much since they’re logical steps.

i wish i could’ve been more reserved during a lot of our conversations together but my overthinking makes it so hard not to assume she’d need the same reassurance as i might need in that situation.

i think for the first time she’s actually given me pretty mature responses. curt, dry, detached. probably in part because i’ve been pathetic as fuck in a lot of my messages to her, i’m sure she’s tired (i know she’s tired).

i would like to adopt her way of being firm in her decisions and knowing when to step away.

i could’ve honestly just quietly removed her from things, didn’t need to open up that can of worms or do that to myself or her.

i’ve now been dealing with the consequences of feeling a little hurt by her short responses, by removing her from things i wasn’t ready to remove her from.. by her moving on so quickly. her using the L word .. didn’t necessarily want her to while she was with me but she couldn’t say it even after a year, but with anyone else she’s said it within months? my self worth has taken a major hit. i think it’s half her and half me. two mentally ill people cannot function together for sure.

on the topic of mental illness, she subtweeted .. with “mental illness” .. friend saw and sent over a screenshot

yes, i’m mentally ill. i deal with chronic depression, anxiety disorder, a whole separate cocktail of other stuff, and ADHD… not to mention addiction (sober, btw).. and if we are being honest i am probably bordering on a personality disorder and all of that in combination with my anxious attachment style turn me into a monster when i’m with someone who can’t meet my needs or be consistent.

i recognize that and my needs, and what i need to work on.. i’ve known for a very long time but i still end up being attracted to manic types who are wishy washy and leave me questioning their intentions 24/7… this last girl was also a love bomber so that was not fun.

not excluding my own mistakes and toxic tendencies btw. i could lean into manipulative territory when i was upset, probably overloaded her with information in attempt to be transparent and it likely came off as being over critical and uncaring, because she could be petty i also allowed myself to be petty, too. we would get snappy at each other, she’d fuck up and i’d hold it against her for a while because she’d never genuinely apologize.. i’d fuck up and she’d never let it go, never communicate, only bring it up when it was too late for me to make up for it. it just wasn’t a good match.

but at the end of the day, once again, i can blame others as much as i want for things. i can hate her, i can ruminate on how little i must’ve meant to her in comparison to how much she meant and still means to me, i can torture myself with old screenshots or what ifs and would’ve should’ve could’ves but it doesn’t serve me.

^ easy to recognize that it doesn’t serve me but hard to not think or do these things anyway. i’m not good at combatting negative thoughts. i either don’t have them or they dominate all other thoughts. no in-between.

i think my anxiety and tendency to overthink are the biggest roadblocks i face.

kind of feeling like i am damaged goods. kind of feeling like i’d rather not date again so i don’t turn into an insecurity monster over someone that ain’t shit for the hundredth time.

life is tough as is. i have a lot on my plate, and sometimes i fear i’ll never feel peace. i don’t need a relationship to come and muddy everything up on top of all of the shit i go through on a regular basis.

buut as much as i don’t need it, that fear of loneliness sure does know how to creep in at just the right moments.

i’m talking about general loneliness. dying alone.. being distant from family… but also romantic loneliness, yea. everyone grows and branches out, my friends will find people they’ll go live in their own little bubble with, my cousins will do the same.. my parents are split and it wont be long before they both find people, too.. and here i am, their adult daughter who Should be more independent but i have honestly been so stunted by the amount of trauma we’ve all been through and it’s hard to feel my age, hard to cope with the fact that my life is my own. i don’t have the support structure of someone with parents that love them unconditionally or healthily.. it’s hard to grow when i spend so much time in their shadow trying to patch things up with them and help out without ever being nurtured in return.

in a lot of my relationships, i’m the one who lifts and supports others while i’m expected to get through things on my own. i fear it won’t ever change.

this all sounds very woe is me but i think i deserve to sit in that energy for a bit.

#junkrant not junkrat

[bamfdaddio]

X-Men Abridged: 1964

The X-Men, those wacky mutants that have sworn to protect a world that hates and fears them, are a cultural juggernaut with a long, tangled history. Want to unravel the tapestry? Then read the Abridged X-Men!

(X-Men 3 - 8) - by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby

Fantastic Four 28

The X-Men’s sophomore year basically serves as a recruitment drive for  Professor Xavier and Magneto: both our heroes and those nefarious villains try to recruit various mutants (The Blob, Namor, Unus the Untouchable), all with absolutely no success.

We also meet Magneto’s home team, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. (Later on, they would drop the ‘evil’, because why would Magneto call himself evil? He believes he’s doing the right thing.) The Brotherhood consists of:

An acrobatic toady;

A white-haired speedster whose entire personality is that he loves his sister;

A fashion victim with nebulously defined disaster powers;

A creepy, sexist illusionist, who is by far the most useful on this squad. He is literally the only reason Magneto briefly conquers a country.

i, too, enjoy towers of mashed potatoes (X-Men 4)

Magneto is fleshed out more: he still remains fabulously extra, but he develops an obsession with owning strongholds and/or land. In this year alone, he owns one island (1), one manor (1) and one asteroid (1). He also briefly takes over the nation of Santo Marco. Magneto also does some astral projection, because magnets can... do... that? (Just go with it.)

he is just so ridiculous <3 (X-Men 7)

magnetic intensity indeed. like toad and rogue, I would fall in love with magneto in a heartbeat (X-Men 5)

While the Toad’s and Mastermind’s loyalty to Magneto is never questioned, Pietro and Wanda, meanwhile, show plenty of reluctance in following the mutant despot. They even help the X-Men once or twice, but ultimately remain loyal to Magneto because he saved Wanda from an angry mob. (The mob is traditionalist rather than racist: They want to burn her because she is a witch, not because she’s a mutant. So it’s fine.) 

However, this year does mark the first appearance of anti-mutants sentiments: a crowd attacks Hank after he saves some kid from a water tower, simply because they suspect he’s a mutant. I always thought it was Claremont who introduced this theme, but apparently, he merely expanded on something Lee started. It also introduces the conflict between Xavier’s views and Magneto’s: the hippie professor believes in peaceful coexistence, the flamboyant villain in the dominance of homo superior.

they were so mean, Warren, they even took my glasses! (X-Men 8)

It’s also the first example of Professor X opening up his home to a villain in an attempt to reform them. The Blob, petty and churlish, refuses, but I have to admit I would read the fuck out of a What If? where the Blob accepts Charles’ offer.

This year also lays a lot ground for the X-Men themselves, fleshing them out. Hank becomes loquacious and smart, Warren reaches peak himbo and Bobby establishes himself as the jokester. Scott, meanwhile, becomes a lot more emo, tormented by his uncontrollable powers and his love for Jean. She also loves him, but neither of them actually does anything about it. In other character development, Jean straightens her hair.

in 2021, I aspire to have the same confidence as Warren goddamn Worthington entering a fucking room (X-Men 4)

Meanwhile, Charles is apparently also crushing hard on Miss Grey. (Which is fortunately dropped and mostly forgotten about, because ick.) That, combined with the fact that almost every male character notes how sexy either Jean or Wanda is, really does show how badly all of this aged. I haven’t really read old Fantastic Four or the Avengers, but I do hope Sue and the Wasp have a trifle more personality than this.

don’t fret, Jean, the only competition you have to worry about is Magneto (X-Men 6)

But! Charles does other weird stuff too! In a shocking display of extreme teaching methods, Professor X pretends to have lost his powers so the X-Men can prove themselves against the Brotherhood in space. Cyclops nearly dies, but despite that, Professor X graduates his X-Men! He then leaves and puts Cyclops in charge. Solid leadership skills all around.

this is just adorable (X-Men 7) 

Oh yeah, the X-Men also fight Namor and the Fantastic Four, and Iceman starts his bromance with the Human Torch. For those keeping track in the future: this is the point where the young X-Men are time-abducted for their All-New X-Men capers. (X-Men #8, to be exact.) Bobby also has an unhealthy obsession with eating icecream.

it’s 1964, do you know where your teen-age mutant hoodlums are? (X-Men 4)

Must reads: X-Men #3, the introduction of the Blob, and X-Men #4, the introduction of the Brotherhood. The rest are all variations on the same themes and... not that great. 

Didn’t you take Art History? This era is characterized by cheesy, cheesy writing and the kind of art that seems better suited to a Disney comic than a superhero epic. Stan Lee tends to overexplain everything we see in the art. Despite Kirby’s style not really being my cup of tea, he does effective work and some of his spreads are actually gorgeous. Check this out.

so… daddy longlegs is not a mutant? (X-Men 3)

Best new character: The Blob. Hear me out.  He is a different kind of villain than most of the villains introduced in this era: he is petty and small-minded, rather than megalomaniacal and dramatic, which makes for a nice change of pace. Then there’s the fact that he looks grotesque and that even the X-Men, who should know better, mock him and body-shame him. (Nice going, calling him ‘fatso’ while he probably even couldn’t lose weight if he tried, because, you know, it’s his mutant power). He is like a foil to the Thing: mean and selfish where the Thing tries to be heroic and rise above his circumstances. The Blob is an unhappy man who does unhappy things; some authors have realized that he’s more than just a fat joke: there’s something inherently cruel about his mutant power.

then again, Fred does call Jean a cute tomato, so maybe he deserves everything the X-Men throw at him (X-Men 3)

Most audacious retcon: Nobody seems to have a grasp on how strong Professor X and Marvel Girl are. One issue, Jean can toss around a crowd of women, the next, she can’t pick up Hank.  Charles seems to be just as strong as the plot demands. 

Ugliest Costume: The Scarlet Witch. Pink and red? O honey, no.

wanda, what is that headpiece (X-Men 4)

#x-men #abridged x-men #x-men abridged #stan lee #jack kirby #magneto #erik lensherr #professor x #charles xavier #cyclops #scott summers #marvel girl #jean grey #angel #warren worthington iii #iceman #bobby drake #beast #henry mccoy #toad #mortimer toynbee #quicksilver #pietro maximoff #scarlet witch #wanda maximoff #mastermind #jason wyngarde #blob #fred dukes #namor the sub mariner

[excvlsior]

about: *rosa samuels.

basics.

full name: rosalind florence samuels meaning of name: rosalind = ‘pretty rose’, florence = ‘blossoming in faith’ nickname: rosa, rosie by a rare few age: 21 date of birth: august 6, 1999 hometown: rochester, new york nationality: american ethnicity: honestly idk where the samuels r originally from bt they’re definitely whitey’s from europe gender: cis-female sexuality: bisexual spoken languages: english, fairly fluent in french and spanish as well profession: just a student tbh

appearance.

height: 5′9″ eye colour: blue hair colour: strawberry blonde voice: fairly deep and raspy i’d say........ soft spoken but loud at the same time idk hw she does it jst truly projects when she speaks its impressive tattoos: blue heart inside her ring finger, matching with lana and freya piercings: two piercings per lobe, right cartilage clothing style: big shirt big pant combo to the max. lots of baggy sweaters, usually bright, her fav is her rainbow turtleneck, likes baggy pants a lot too mostly corduroys, has a lot of overalls, doesn’t really like dresses or skirts in the slightest

health.

physical ailments: endometriosis neurological conditions: anxiety, ptsd allergies: dust sleeping habits: used to have a pretty regular sleep schedule Before everything that happened w tatiana now she’s a bit more as the kids say, self destructive but tries to get like at least a good 6 hours if she can exercise habits: she doesn’t rly at all unless it’s like when she attempts to roller blade or occasionally rides her bike but i dnt think she’s ever gone out of her way to exercise sociability: pretty fkin introverted n doesn’t rly like/wanna be around most people.......... she’s that friend where after a sleepover the next morning when the ppl hosting r like ok i planned a nice day fr us :D she’ll already b packing her bag like. i cannot. i will see u in a week. drink / smoke / drugs: yes / no / super rarely

personality.

positive traits: ambitious, daring, eloquent, genuine, humble, independent, meticulous, passionate, resourceful, tough, witty negative traits: abrasive, blunt, coarse, erratic, hostile, judgmental, overemotional, paranoid, ruthless goals/desires: she wants to be a prof really badly, really wants to know what happened to tatiana (rip sis), plans on traveling the world once she’s graduated hopefully with her best friends, she’d like to be more open and responsive to ppl one day bt . baby steps. fears: being vulnerable with people who don’t deserve it, the Male Gaze, men in general frankly >_>, living an unsatisfying life hobbies: rollerblading, painting, knitting, baking, singing<3 get it open mic night hosting queen, in the uni’s planet earth club, student government, thts all i can think of rn bye habits: lots of eye rolling (rude ass), purposely starts to stand with proper posture when she’s trying to ‘talk down’ to someone, plays with the tips of her fingers a lot, chews the skin of her bottom lip, also chews on pencils a lot when she’s deep in thought, openly flinches and/or glares when someone touches her that she doesn’t know well/likes

favourites.

weather: when it’s snowy but without wind chill so the air’s crisp and pretty from falling snow but not overly freezing colour: pink and purple music: a lot of alternative/indie stuff, hozier, florence + the machine, the 1975, also into boy bands/girl groups, spice girls, backstreet boys, one direction, a sucker for them all. movies: dramatic romances tbh, the twilight series being a big fav bc she’s a woman of taste food: stir fry<3, trying to become a vegetarian even tho she’s not even close to being one so she eats a lot of stir fry n will b like i love my vegetarian diet<3 then eat a cheeseburger 2 hours later drink: hot chocolate, red wine

relationships.

father: john samuels, he’s a pastor (blegh) but rosa’s a total daddy’s girl (hate that term jst gave myself the ick) n she knows it, grew up super close to her dad n their relationship is only jst starting to become a bit strained now tht she’s being a bit more adventurous and taking advantage of her freedom but they’re still pretty cool mother: i dnt think . james n i ever discussed wht their moms name is bt either way her n rosa r nowhere near as close as she is w her dad.......... her moms jst a bit disappointed shes not the Elegant Lady she expected of rosa n is a bit put off by her tomboyish ways bt their relationships more We Ignore Each Other than actual confrontations siblings: viktor<3 hey king, tatiana (rip queen) pets: i dnt think they hv any........... significant other: n/a family’s financial status: like pretty . middle class i think

extra.

zodiac sign: leo mbti: istp - the virtuoso enneagram: the investigator temperament: choleric hogwarts house: ravenclaw moral alignment: chaotic good primary vice: pride primary virtue: dilligence element: earth

#muse | rosa samuels. #lov u queen<3

[lunar-lair]

Bakusquad Headcanons

Uhhhh idk how but I ended up with a ton of headcanons for these dork kids, so uh. Here I guess??

After Bakugou really settles into the group and begins to let them actually physically touch him, Ashido's hand is basically constantly buried in his hair, especially when she's comforting him. Of course, she does this with all the others too, and has been doing it with Kirishima since their middle school days, but she's always saying Bakugou's is the fluffiest. ("It's just cause I use the best conditioner," He'd always huff.)

Kaminari has this habit with all of them. He'll put his pointer finger on some part of their body-usually their cheek, since that makes them laugh more for it's cuteness-and let a small, sm all static shock run through their skin. It never fails to make them laugh, and along with his jokes, he's one of the best at cheering people up in the team.

Whenever they're all cuddling, and one of them is cold, they snuggle up with Bakugou, and he'll heat up his hands like he does before he blows something up. But it's just really nice and warm. Not a bad warm either. Plus, he just runs warm anyways. (So does Kaminari-he's got electricity running around in his veins, they're gonna be warm-and Sero's not bad himself, but they don't have that advantage. (On the contrary, Kiri runs pretty cold, and Bakugou calls Mina 'barbie' just because she's basically freezing all the time.))

Any time Bakugou gets the chance, he'll just idly braid anyone's hair that's long enough to braid; aka, everyone except him and Mina. It's just really relaxing for him.

They all have these special hoodies, shirts, whatever, that they wear when they're real unhappy or just feeling really cozy comfy warm and shit and it's real easy to tell which one it is, so they just adjust the way they treat that person to accommodate

They all brought a bean bag a bit into the year that was their favorite color and they're all just piled in Sero's room cause he has the most room.

After realizing saying 'we need to talk' is a bit daunting, the squad made a little code phrase for when it's Serious Talk Time, whether that means later or now, and it's "I've got a story to tell". They decided on it pretty early on, but late enough that Bakugou was willing to participate in said talks in the first place, obviously.

They always have excellent nail polish, make up, whatever. Mina's pretty good at it, and Bakugou had fashion designers for parents. He wasn't getting out of his childhood without some Knowledge. Anyways, they're always perfectly presentable. It's great.

The whole squad is constantly secretly trying to destroy all of Kiri's crocs. Shh, don't tell.

Bakugou is entirely infuriated with Kaminari and Mina's hair, 24/7. Kaminari's won't settle down from it's staticyness for more then two seconds, and Mina's is just fucking untameable. He doesn't like Sero's much, since it's not long enough to do as much as he can with Kaminari's, and it's th ick, bitch. Kiri's is the most agreeable when it's down.

At some point, they bought a giant teddy bear. They only bring it out when someone is in severe emotional destress. It is The Happiness Bear. It has a few rips and burns and torn off fur, from Kiri, Kami Baku and Mina, and Sero respectively.

None of them agree on music choice. Mina likes bubblegum pop, Kiri's about more somber stuff, Sero listens to indie, Bakugou listens to rock, metal, and pop-punk-that scene-and Kaminari just listens to whatever he comes across. He had some really obscure music on his playlist, some emo, and even some shit like Beyonce and Taylor Swift, sittin right next to Ricky Montgomery and The Altogether. He's the most agreeable when it comes to listening with others, but theirs is always a bit...too much for him, since he's in the middle. Think of him as the circle and everyone else laying just outside the circle. The circle can't really expand, but the points aren't as broad. He's gets along best with Kiri and Sero, since he had plenty of chill music on his list, and some real obscure indie-ish shit somewhere. Bakugou likes some of the darker stuff he's run across, like Autoheart. He used to be REAL into All Time Low, but burnt himself out on their music. He knows every song, and every lyric; he doesn't hate it. It's just not his first pick. And then he's still got some shit like Owl City and Fun lurking around somewhere, and that's the shit Mina likes. Basically, he gets the most band recommendations, and gives the most.

Bakugou gets REALLY into Autoheart and Lincoln, shit like that as he gets older and mellows out-kinda like mid 2nd to 3rd year and on?-since it's still that kind of depressing feel but it's a lot more lowkey.

Kiri gets DE EP into The Altogether and Ricky Montgomery, and maybe Cavetown and The Oh Hellos, Sleeping At Last, Alec Benjamin...all those almost-sleepy singers, who sing about both sad and happy shit with the same calm tone.

Kaminari gets just,,,,SO into The Wrecks for like,,,,a month, with their party music vibe that's almost All Time Low but with more energy this time.

Mina's always been a Beyonce and Owl City stan, man.

Sero doesn't mind Owl City, either, though; got that kinda tone to it, yknow? Absolutely into Fun.

Skskdkdk sorry I got into a BIG tangent,,,,I just know so many obscure bands that they'd like man

Also I hella projected onto Kaminari bc I feel like he's that dork to be into a song called "Favorite Liar', another called 'Mediocre At Best', one called 'Agrophobia', and ANOTHER called fucking 'Light'.

Also he's definitely into Mother Mother. That's a must. Sero might be too.

Might make,,,,,a separate post abt that

Kami and Sero rlly like fall

Mina's a winter gal

Kiri's all for summer

And Baku's all bout spring

They have had multiple discussions about scars for no reason other than to discuss something.

Kami is ALWAYS letting off a static shock of SOME KIND and he shocks the first person he touches when he wakes up. Once he did this to Jirou and it partly fried her buds for a while, it blew Bakugou up because he had just walked in from his jog, it conducted with some of Mina's acid and fucked her over, etc etc. So Kirishima is always sent to wake Kaminari up, and all of them have rubber gloves on hand early morning just in case he wakes up before Kiri can be the first to touch him and he groggily tries to touch anyone

Bakugou's room smells like caramel due to nitroglycerin smelling like it 24/7, and it's calming as hell, so that's where they go when they need a good calming cuddle pile

They always do a group hug before and after dangerous missions

...just in case.

They go to the park at least once a month bc why tf not? And they always hog all the swing sets. Bakugou usually goes on a jog.

One of Kaminari's favorite ways to fuck with them is to let his hands hum with just a small bit of static and then POOF up their hair

It's always hilarious

Especially on Bakugou, since it just makes it kinda,,,,poof mo re??? It's hilarious trust me-

If Sero could make a conductive kind of tape, him and Kami could totally have a type of electroweb attack. Or maybe if Mina's acid could conduct well enough she could like spread all over the ground and it would work as a way to direct his electricity his pointers may not help with. Like zeroing in his electricity in little spots under villian's feet and giving Kami good control in the ground too and it could cause less damage! Plus maybe if he lost his pointer or smth she could put it on the villian and then they would get electricity right to the skin? Idk something like that

Hm...his combos with Baku are limited. It's possible he could like coat his hands with his sweat and then Kami could blow it up himself if his quirk is out of commission? Or his arms; we know they get recoil in canon. But maybe he could soak something in the nitroglycerin using the grenades-just open em i guess?-and then set it ablaze?? It'd have to be a PRETTY special case tbh

If civilians could possibly be harmed Kiri could act as a lighting rod,,,,using a lightning rod attacked to his head?? Or some super conductive clothing or something. Idk.

Everybody knows you could bathe Kiri in the sweat and then he'd ignite it no prob

Sero could swing one of them (or multiple) and then 'oh shit a flying bomb/rock/acidic substance/electricity plants comin ur way' i guess

Idk. I swore to God Baku was my fav but I'm bein real biased towards Kami. Sigh...oh well. I'll work on it later. It's late.

#this got fuckin long #but i have;;;;no regrets #take it. it took like and hour anf a half to make lol #bnha #bnha headcanons #bakusquad #trash talks

[popculture-etc]

Kenny Rogers, Adam Schlesinger,...coping with 2020

Worst year ever although there were some good.

It’s too early yet for me to do a quick look back on what 2020 is like here as we’re only going to be in the first of December tomorrow (it’s Nov 30 here) but I just have to as two losses this year broke me. Kind of, well, especially the second one.

You see, before East Asian pop, Jpop and Kpop, Western pop culture was my thing. It still is and this pandemic has made me go back to that recently starting with...the Beach Boys (their westcoast sound caught me, hook, line, and sinker and I wasn’t very fond of the Beatles to begin with...to be completely honest) I’m currently chillin’ to right now, as I write this post. I’m really weak to the westcoast sound. Beach sound/s in general, rather. I’m a big fan of the beach where nature goes, for one. Since some time, a few years ago, deep chill and tropical house music has been my go-to when I want to chill or calm myself down after an outburst of sorts and I put them on when I just feel meh, especially on Fridays. When I dream of being by the sea, the beach or in some island on my own. I live in a country with a lot of beaches and the Visayas here is basically island region Philippines, lol. Like most people, I listen to music according to mood just like the way I dress according to mood. And...it’s no wonder, really that I’m so into the Beach Boys now. RIP the Beatles. My dad played some songs of theirs on the guitar or so but the hold they have on me waned later on and I just think now how overrated they were back then. They did have good songs but when talking of good music, as in really good that it retains the same sound style or so, it’s the Beach Boys for me. Brian Wilson is the man despite his issues and personal struggles.

Anyway, we’re going quickly off tangent. I’ll save the Beach Boys fangirling for another day. lol.

I grew up with western pop culture rife all around me thanks to my American, cowboy country and folk music listening dad, my Carpenters-loving mom and then, college-aged aunts who’d made me see the Titanic film more than my fingers could count---the third is clearly an exaggeration but well...some of it is true and they were why I got into American films like Pretty Woman (we have this in good ol’ VHS in our family home, my grandparents’ in Jasaan), Mannequin, Ghost etc. in the late 80s, coming into the early 90s. So, tired of all the kdrama and uninteresting kvariety shows on tvn and the rebranded local channel, Kapamilya (long story for what we formerly know as ABS-CBN, the nation’s a mess right now and our gov’t’s just...ick!), I’d retreated to my cave and got into old tv shows I’d watched as a kid instead like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed and it’s been, well, moving on from there. I’m checking out Twin Peaks later. I’ve been watching old Hollywood films too. Some revisits on this include: Casablanca, Gone With The Wind, and especially A Streetcar Named Desire will always and forever be my favorite. Very young and cute and good looking Marlon Brando, ugh. I have some others in the stash which include Bonnie and Clyde I’ll be getting into much, much later, maybe over the weekends and holidays. In sum, I have a long history with western pop culture, especially America’s, more than I have with Japan’s and South Korea’s. The latter being very, very recent so it doesn’t really compare as much.

Let’s get right down to it...

So 2020 had us lose Kenny Rogers to natural causes on March 20 in a hospice and after, Adam Schlesinger to COVID 19 complications on April 1. I know the latter as the songwriter of The Wonders’ That Thing You Do from the film sharing the same song title. I know Kenny Rogers well because my dad listens to him over and over in the car. In pretty much the same way, I know the words to Islands in the Stream by heart and I accept and revere it as one of the best, if not THE BEST country-pop duet songs of all time between Kenny and Dolly Parton...as far as country and pop music in the US of A’re concerned, of course. Miley and Shawn Mendez’s cover of it I’d seen recently was alright but nothing still beats the OG one, as always. With music, it’s just, really always the case.

Kenny departing from us March this year was alright. He was well cared for in a hospice and at the right age too, to leave us and this mess of a world behind for the afterlife. Sounds grim but not really. Heh. He died of natural causes so we know he was at peace and accepted then that his time has come. Fans and long-time listeners of his should also be at peace with this knowledge. I don’t consider myself a fan but since he’s been around so much because my dad plays his songs in the car often, I’m the same. I’ve accepted his passing away early this year. He’s lived his life well and given us good music to listen to should we like to remember him and his works and celebrate his life and legacy doing so.

Schlesinger’s case was way worse because, well, COVID 19. And it’s well...I guess we all saw it coming, me included, that I’d just learned, watching the one of many national English news on ANC that ‘pandemic’ is the word of the year according to Merriam-Webster. Timely, huh? Yep. Predictable, really. Sarcasm noted here.

So if someone ever asks what 2020 was about, we only have to say that according to Merriam-Webster, it’s the global (COVID 19) pandemic. Short, not-so-sweet, succinct, and grim. Yep.

This one, Schlesinger’s case, is something I still find difficult to accept. He was only 52 years old! He was at the prime of his life and had some projects still he was working on at the time of his passing so WHY?! I suppose that’s all of us who followed him and his extensive work on tv, film, the stage and his own band, Fountains of Wayne when we heard news he’s passed away due to COVID 19 complications. It’s definitely me now though I learned of it late. Heh.

To cope with the sadness of losing Schlesinger, gone too soon at 52 years old and with an impressive Hollywood tv, stage, film resume to his name since and his own band’s, Fountains of Wayne (FoW) really good discography, by the way, I’ve been listening to FoW’s Welcome Interstate Managers---all of the contents of said album/record---and That Thing You Do’s OST with the Beach Boys’ Sounds of Summer Best of in between. My favorite song on Welcome Interstate Managers is the sarcastic take on real life as an everyday worker in sales, Bright Future in Sales. As much as I like chill sounds where music goes, I like me some music with lyrics jolting us back to grim reality in much the same way I like films (indies, mostly, or lesser known short and full-length ones) that tackle social issues not frequently discussed in public or so but we are aware are there, still plaguing much of today’s society. I live for cynical, satirical, ironic, and even hyperbolic stuff about real life actually. It may be why I’m so entrenched and attached to the era where we all hated ourselves---the 90s. Although one would say much of that sentiment or feeling did carry itself to the 2000s, though. I don’t know about you, but until now, I still hate or have heavy dislike for myself and everything else around me, especially our gov’t or current admin here in the Philippines, and people in general so I don’t think it ever really goes away. And going off tangent again for the nth time today.

Anyway, my 1996 was That Thing You Do on HBO in our household...on and off along with other 90s films like The Craft, Clueless, Jawbreakers (I think this still plays in Cinemax from time to time) so of course losing Schlesinger also was...rather, is hard. He’s done so much and he was supposed to be working on more and he’s left such a deep mark here for us, avid fans of American pop culture...I suppose, even the casual ones. Aside from his That Thing You Do, I’d also seen Josie and the Pussycats at some point. I don’t remember when, where...though I did watch some episodes of the cartoon on Cartoon Network (CN) so of course, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the film of it as well. He worked on a track or some tracks there, too. 

2020 sucks. COVID 19 sucks. This global pandemic sucks. But at least there’re films, tv shows, music, stage musical plays turned movies (Jonathan Larson’s Tick, Tick...Boom! is coming to us soon with Andrew Garfield in the lead---I’m wary of Garfield being a forgettable actor since The Amazing Spider Man because Dane Dehaan was what made that for me, to be quite honest so I’m not so sure of him being Jon here and as a self-respecting Larson fan since Rent, I’d rather they casted Neil Patrick Harris/NPH since he was in the London stage for this way back anyway...) to keep us entertained and fine until then. What would it take for ‘rona, and I’m not talking about the American Corona beer here that’s really popular in the west coast, to go away? I, like the rest of you in self isolation or quarantine, tend to think so but I don’t think we’ll have any answer to that until the vaccines are well underway by spring next year. Or at least, that’s what health authorities and scientists tell us anyway. I get reminded of it often in the news and I only tune in to that once in a while now because even that, following that daily, breaks my mental faculties down due to stress and pressure and all and I can’t have that when I still have so much, at the back of my mind, to do.

But anyway, time to conclude this one with one of my favorite The Wonders songs, All My Only Dreams just to end on a good note, better than the last paragraph’s ending at least and to remember Schlesinger as well that we’d lost this year along with plenty others we’d met in passing who’ve also left this world especially due to COVID 19 complications. I know we know a lot of those. For me, it’s a distant relative or family member I’d known since young but don’t have particular fluffy bunny feelings for because of some things that happened between the guy and me growing up in the NCR/Caloocan City to be exact. There’s also my good friend and former co-worker’s only remaining parent, her dad and a few more, I’m sure. So I hope 2021 would be better but I doubt it...very much. It’s still looking pretty dim, grim and bleak from here, where I’m currently standing in 2020.

Before we really end though, COVID 19 is definitely not a hoax. It hasn’t been since the first cases started in Wuhan, China. It’s just, only been getting worse and still continue to claim lives and spread to more people even those at home. So as someone who comes from a household of mostly medical workers or health care workers here, we should really be very careful about and around it. Let’s take the necessary health protocols seriously like wearing a mask out and maybe the face shield too and always keeping the sanitizers, alcohols in our bags among others---hygiene and sanitation, disinfection. It may come off really anal of me and I am not anal (I don’t like people with Type A personalities in the first place, lol...I’m just a very cautious Virgo, really, and a Type X---mix of Type C and D personalities) but seriously, SERIOUSLY, I can’t stress this enough, COVID 19, the virus SARS-COV2, that causes it is real. Very real and once it’s in your system, it can go the fatal, deadly way or just the mild and you’ll recover later anyway way. It’s not picking which people should die next and which should not, really. It’s really just there making a mess of things that are already messy since the beginning. My point being, it’s just better if we don’t spread it or are careful enough not to contract it with following health protocols set by health experts, scientists to help us get by this...pandemic. 

Well here’s to 2020 being over soon and 2021 creeping in on us soon enough. 

P.S.

Billie Armstrong of Greenday upped a cover of That Thing You Do as a tribute to Adam and the youtube live of the Wonders coming together again to pay tribute to and celebrate Adam’s life may still be up on the ‘tube. I have yet to see the latter but enjoyed the former. They are just so...sweet and precious. Ugh. Adam Schlesinger, gone too soon indeed. :(

PPS

Another songwriter/contributor in the TTYD OST passed away last year, too. Rick Elias. Cause of death is brain cancer. I had a friend from college, young and so full of life and dreams, who passed away due to the same thing so I’m kind of aware how this goes. Ugh. Cancer sucks. All of these are just so...sad. Depressing, actually.

#Adam Schlesinger #Kenny Rogers #american pop culture #USA #United States of America #That Thing You Do #Fountains of Wayne #music #entertainment #Hollywood #loss #COVID 19 #2020 #2020 is the worst year ever #what's next 2021? #A year in music #a year in american pop culture #a year in american rock and roll and pop music

[olderthannetfic]

I just realized it’s Fandom First Friday and the topic is meta!

For months, I’ve been slowly working my way through How To Be Gay by David Halperin, which talks about drag queens and how certain aspects of gay male culture appropriate from women to empower gay men. (Halperin uses the word ‘appropriate’ extensively, not necessarily in a negative context.) He brought up some points I thought were highly relevant for thinking about slash.

Last February, I went to Escapade and chatted with a bunch of acafans. To my total lack of surprise, they too love Halperin’s book and had the same reaction I did. I thought when I finish the book, I’ll write up some meta. But I got busy, and it’s a long, dense book. So then in August, I went to the final Vividcon. There, I ran into Francesca Coppa and mentioned this idea. Her response? “Oh, I just wrote a journal article about that.”

…

AHAHAHAHA! Oh god, we are the same person.

(NB: We are not actually the same person.We just have similar first names, similar fandoms, and similar flists back on LJ, have done similar fandom history oral history projects, go to the same cons, and have both been on the OTW board. Laura Hale once went so far as to “out” me as her. And now we like the same academic books too. Heh.)

So, obviously, now I have to write meta about this, and Fandom First Friday is the perfect time to take a stab at it. I have so much more to say and I want to go back through How to be Gay and pull out many more amazing quotes, but better to write something than wait for perfection.

What I found the most interesting about Halperin’s analysis was that he points out that women may find these funhouse mirror versions of femaleness upsetting, and those feelings are completely understandable and valid, but they don’t make drag any less empowering or significant for gay men. He neither thinks that we need to get rid of drag nor that women should stop having those reactions.

He also talks about how subtext is often more appealing than text: when he first started teaching his college course ‘How to be Gay’, on which the book is based, he assumed that students would connect more with literal representation of their identities. That’s the narrative we push: now that we have literal X on TV or in a Broadway show, we don’t need subtextual old Y anymore! Instead, many of his students loved things like The Golden Girls and failed to connect with current gay representation.

It’s a long book, but what many of his ideas boil down to is that a Broadway show that is massively subtextually queer allows the viewer to identify with any of the characters or with all of them simultaneously or with the situation in general. It’s highly fluid. Gay representation often means a couple of specific gay characters with a rigid identity. Emotionally, that can be harder to connect to.

Sometimes, allegory gets closer to one’s own internal experiences than literal depiction does.

Coppa’s article (book chapter?) is about exactly that. It’s titled: Slash/Drag: Appropriation and Visibility in the Age of Hamilton. She uses Halperin’s book but extends the idea further. I particularly liked her example of how female fans use Bucky to tell stories that are essentially (and often literally) about rape. His story is about a loss of bodily autonomy and about having one’s boundaries violated in a way that is familiar to female fans, but he’s a male action hero, so those stories don’t have the same visceral ick factor as writing about literal rape of literal women.

Partly, that’s due to how society treats men vs. women, but it’s also about which fans are writing these stories and which fans are the target audience of them. Just as a cis gay man appropriating Joan Crawford to talk about his experience of gayness isn’t really for or about women, most slash fanfic about Bucky being victimized isn’t really for or about cis gay men.

It was on the dancefloor at Vividcon that I realized that, as a woman, I have this unconscious feeling like I am appropriating gay men’s culture when I’m into Joan Crawford and other over-the-top female performers. It’s ridiculous! How can I be appropriating a female celebrity from gay men? But it’s an experience I share with lots of other women. Telling women we have no right to things is the bedrock of our culture.

That feature film Slash, which featured a bunch of cis male slash writers was inspired partly by the male director going on Reddit and finding a bunch of gay guys saying that slash squicks them. He felt that he was being progressive by erasing women.

On Tumblr, the fujocourse gets reblogged not just by toxic pits of misogynist, delusional bullshit like thewoesofyaoi, but also by seemingly reasonable fans. Hell, I’m pretty sure I used to suffer from this problem myself: I remember a time when I felt like I, as a bisexual woman, liked slash better, differently, and more correctly than straight women did.

I no longer feel this way.

There are lots of reasons for caring about slash, some of which are just about the pretty, some of which are more about gender, and some of which are more about sexual orientation, but after seeing decades of arguments about who is allowed to like slash, I have come to the conclusion that none of them are valid. All of them are “Not like the other girls!” and hating on femaleness. Some of the fans who do this are female and some are not, but it all boils down to not feeling like women have a right to a voice.

And then there’s Halperin calmly asserting gay men’s right to self-expression!

It struck me like a bolt of lightning because it was so self-assured. He never doubts that there’s something valid and important about giving gay men space to explore their own emotional landscapes. Literal representation is important, sure, but so is the ability to make art that speaks to your insides, not just your outside, and that sometimes means allegorical, subtextual art played out in bodies unlike your own.

“Fetishization” a la Tumblr often means writing stories with explicit sex or liking ships because they’re hot. Sometimes, it means writing kinks that are seen as dark or unusual. Frankly, this sort of fujocourse boils down to thinking that sex and desire are dirty and that m/m sex is the dirtiest of all. I do write some ~dark~ kinks in my fic because, for one thing, I’m a kinky person in real life, and for another, I often use fic to explore the experience of having dark thoughts and wondering what that says about me.

A lot of slash writers are exploring feelings of victimization. Another big chunk of us explore things like rape fantasies from the bottom: maybe we have and maybe we haven’t experienced assault in real life, but for all of us, having that kind of rape fantasy brings up questions of whether we’re asking for it, whether it’s okay to be into that kind of thing, whether it means something. Another chunk of us are exploring a different kind of “bad” thoughts: feelings of aggression, violence, dominance. In my own work, I’m interested in sadists and how they come to terms with their desires, but I think slash is also often a way to explore any sort of violent, dark feeling, not just rape fantasies from the top. Society tells us women aren’t allowed to have dark thoughts–hell, that we’re not capable of impulses that dark. Sometimes, it’s easier to write even a relatively banal action story about a male action hero because he, in canon, is allowed to have the feelings and impulses that interest the writer.

The fujocourse is all about saying that women aren’t allowed to have dark impulses ever. That we’re not allowed to be horny. That we’re not allowed to enjoy art for the sake of an orgasm. When we depict people not precisely like ourselves, we’re overstepping. When we make art for our own pleasure instead of devoting our lives to service, we are toxic and bad. Any time. Every time.

It’s just another round of saying that women’s pleasure is not valid and women’s personal space should not be respected. No hobbies for you: only motherhood.

And yet that’s not actually what most slash fans think. I was heartened to read Lucy Neville’s Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys: Women and Gay Male Pornography and Erotica. A friend read it recently and was trying to guess which quotes were from me. I have to admit, I was playing that game too! I honestly couldn’t tell, until I looked at demographic info, that some could not have been mine. They sounded so familiar. On Tumblr, I tend to wade into meta discussions, so I see a lot of loud, divisive views. I especially see a lot of views that, over time, make me start to wonder if I’m a crazy outlier. Intellectually, I know that this is all down to bad curation of my dash and a love of browsing the meta tags. I didn’t realize how much it had crept up on me unconsciously–how much I had started to feel like I had to justify and explain the most basic and common experiences of being a slash fan.

What was interesting about Neville’s book is how alike many of the women sounded. Now, no one book represents everybody, and she makes no claims to have figured out the exact size or demographic breakdown of fandom. Her focus is on women who like m/m material, whether slash or porno movies or anything else. At the same time, though, she surveyed heaps of women, and the responses were amazingly similar. Nearly every quote in that book strikes a chord with me. Nearly all of them, with a few minor variations, could be something I’ve written. Gay, straight, bi, asexual: we all had many of the same things to say about slash and what it means to us.

So, some brief, and more digestible thoughts:

Slash is “overrepresented” in meta and scholarly literature because people still ask us to justify ourselves constantly.

People ask us to justify ourselves because they assume that “good representation” is literal representation.

There are key emotional, psychological aspects of our experiences that are often better expressed allegorically, whether we’re gay men doing drag or women writing slash or any other sort of artist.

Here are some choice quotes from Coppa. (I will restrain myself and not just try to quote the entire thing. Heh.)

“There are endless transmedia adaptations of characters like Sherlock Holmes or Batman, so it is clearly not appropriation that’s the issue: it is the appropriation by the other—by women, in this case.

One could argue then that it is our awareness of this appropriative doubleness—of the familiar characters acting in an unfamiliar script, of the female storyteller animating the male characters— that boots slash out of “literature,” with its illusions of psychological coherence (see Edwards’s Chapter 3 in this volume), and puts it instead into the category of performance, itself so often associated with the fake, the female, the forged, the queer. My argument in this chapter is that it might be useful to compare slash to other forms of appropriative performance; drag comes powerfully to mind and, more recently, the musical Hamilton. These are forms where it’s important to see the bothness, the overlaid and blurred realities: male body/Liza Minnelli; person of color/George Washington.”

“In his book How to Be Gay, David Halperin (2012) discusses the ongoing centrality of certain female characters to the gay male cultural experience and takes as his project an explanation of why gay men choose those particular avatars and what they make of them. Halperin argues that gay men use these female characters to articulate a gay male subjectivity which precedes and may in important ways be separate from a gay male sexual identity (or to put it another way, a boy may love show tunes before he loves men, or without ever loving men). The gay male appropriation of and perfor- mance of femininity effectively mirror—in the sense both of “reflect” and “reverse”—slash fiction’s preoccupations with and appropriations of certain (often hyper‐performatively) male characters in service of a female sensibility; in both cases, appropriation becomes a way of saying something that could not otherwise easily be said.”

“A character like Tony Stark or Bruce Wayne speaks, obviously, to boys who are getting mixed messages about what successful manhood looks like in the twenty‐first century—it was hard enough in the old days to be Charles Atlas, but today you have to be Charles Atlas and Steve Jobs at the same time, which is a problem of time commitment just for a start. But these characters speak to women, too: differently. The doubled nature of the paired male characters taken up by slash fandom—these aliens, these costumed heroes, these men wearing man suits, men in male drag—make them appealing sites of identification for women, or proxy identities, to use Halperin’s (2012) term; that is, they provide “a metaphor, an image, a role” (185). They are sites of complex feeling.

But what these characters are metaphors for, what they make us feel, is not simple, singular, or easily reducible. Halperin takes hundreds of pages even to begin to excavate the complicated web of meanings around Joan Crawford; I am not going to be able to unpack any of these iconic male characters in a few paragraphs, and it is also the nature of fandom to build multiple and contradictory meanings around fan favorites (and to get into heated arguments over them).”

[In Halperin’s class] “Works that allowed gay men to be invisible were preferred to those where they were explicitly represented. “Non‐gay cultural forms offer gay men a way of escaping from their particular, personal queerness into total, global queerness,” Halperin (2012) writes. “In the place of an identity, they promise a world” (112). I would argue that slash offers something similar—that queer female space, as well as the ability to escape the outline of the identity that you are forced to carry every day—and that for gay men and slash fans both, the suggestion that you would restrict your identification to those characters with whom you share an identity feels limiting.”

“Visibility is a trap,” Phelan (2003) concludes, referencing Lacan (1978) (93): “it summons surveillance and the law, it provokes voyeurism, fetishism, the colonialist/imperial appetite for possession”—and fans on the ground know this and talk about it in very nearly this language. Again, this is not to say that fans—or gay men, for that matter—do not want or deserve good representations: female fandom, slash fandom included, championed Mad Max: Fury Road, Marvel’s Jessica Jones, and the new, gender‐swapped Ghostbusters, all of which have multiple and complex female characters. Rather, I am arguing that representation does not substitute for the pleasure or power of invisibility; for, as even the most famously visible actors say, “But what I really want is to direct.”

#fandom meta #fandom first friday #fujocourse

[annakie]

Notes on a blog cleanup.

I’ve been going back through my earliest blog posts (I joined this hellhole in May, 2011) to try and find a particular post I made, and decided to do some cleaning up of the early-blog cringe. Then I got a little addicted to it. 

So I started keeping this running log of notes as I went through.  Enjoy.

Basically the first few months my blog was more or less just a Doctor Who blog.  Just going back reliving those early Doctor Who memories, back when Season 7 was airing... and tumblr was at the height of the Doctor Who craze.  I’m only deleting the cringe-est of cringe posts from back then.

Fuck, this is making me want to rewatch Doctor Who.  I haven’t rewatched Doctor Who in like a half dozen years.  Probably more.  I mean I still keep up with the show when it airs but except for a few select episodes (mostly The Husbands of River Song, I’ve seen that like five times, it’s so good) I almost never actually go back and rewatch episodes.  This is a bad idea.

Also remember when we all felt the need to comment completely useless things on people’s posts who clearly didn’t care or add to the conversation.  Did a lot of that.  Deleting a lot of this unless it’s something I actually want to remember for some reason.

Any proof also that I may have liked Bedknob Cumberbund.  Only a few Sherlock posts but yikes?  Was that me?  Luckily no SuperWhoLock so far, but not surprising because I watched Supernatural enough to catch up to it and watch like season 8 live, and I think I tapped out mid-season 9 and was never THAT into it.

Adam Baldwin Appreciation Post... DELETED.  Yikes.

Apparently I once tagged something “otp3”?  *facepalm*

Found a post I reblogged where someone was DEMANDING CREDIT if someone reposted any pics from a set of pics of an actor because they spent a lot of time working very hard.... removing the watermarks from the pictures.  Imagine demanding credit for stealing the credit from someone else’s work.  Nowadays I’d just block the OP if I saw that on my dash. 2011 tumblr was a lawless time.

Getting in a few months to where I THOUGHT I had started tagging my posts, but instead I was reblogging with other people’s tags when that was able to be automatic.  I keep finding posts with like super thirsty tags that I am 99% sure were not mine, and deleting the tags or usually just the entire post.  Also lots of times I just kept tags that were like “mine” for things I clearly did not make myself.  Been kinda lazy about fixing this.

A LOT of “this post has been hidden for possible adult content” posts, and there’s no way to either see the post or delete the post.  Neat.  Also I’m sure almost none of them were anything objectional because even back then I didn’t relog NSFW stuff ever?

Oh no I’d reblogged a “Wake me up when September ends “joke” post.  Sorry Greenday.  Deleted.

Fuck, I’m rewatching Doctor Who.  How did this happen?  I’m on Aliens of London already?  This is so bad.  Why am I doing this?  Oh, nostalgia.

God I used to be so salty about Doctor Who / people who were assholes about Martha Jones.  I’d actually forgotten just how bad I was about that.  On the other hand, holy shit people were assholes about Martha Jones and I’d forgotten how shitty people were in her tag.  Even back then I’d block those OPs but still.  Yikes on both sides.

I’ve deleted over 300 posts now and I just made it to October 1st, 2011.

This is giving me the opportunity to go back and tag a bunch of posts as personal posts though so that I have a better record of what I was doing back then, which is nice.  I didn’t really start tagging personal posts as much until probably 2012.  Finding some pretty good memories that I’m glad I am tagging for keeps.

Hahaha remember when Netflix was going to rebrand the dvd side of their business as Qwickster?  My blog does.

Tags on a HIMYM post about shipping Ted and Robin more than Barney and Robin?  Definitely not mine. Ick.  Also remember having good feelings about HIMYM before the finale gut-punched your love of the show out of you?

October 15, 2011 I reblogged a post about Elizabeth Warren.  I was clearly ahead of my time.

There’s so many posts now that are just broken because the posts are deleted or because things were reblogged as links.  Remember when that was a thing?

Anyway I’m on Boomtown now and uh, Micky Smith is still great?  I can’t believe people hated him after the first episode where he was (understandably, humanly) cowardly.

Early December 2011 and I’m getting real tired of my own fandom wank.  I cared so much about a fictional character.  Kind of not regretting deleting more of this but hey I wrote a lot of essays, why not keep that proof?

Also I’ve started requeueing some good posts from way back when now, so expect a blast from the past on your dash starting a couple of weeks from now.  It’s a bit hard finding stuff that’d be considered truly good even today since gif size was so much smaller back then.

Seeing so many old familiar names of mutuals on my dash is nice though.  I miss some of these people... and a few are still around.  Hi there, friends I made through Doctor Who in 2011!

January 11th 2012 - I was watching Supernatural and damnit I reblogged something SuperWhoLock.  I hate you, January 2012 Me.  (OK actually I don’t because January 2012 me made a courageous decision that changed my life for the better in so many ways, but I’m still judging her choices in tumblr posts.)  At least the blog overall is starting to go down to like 60% Doctor Who and 10% Parks and Rec and 30% Other, including some socially conscious posts.  The cringe has lessened, but still there.

Also I’m on The Parting of the Ways, and yeah season 1 of New Who was just as uneven as I remembered it.  Eccelston did the best he could with what he was given, which was sometimes great, and the rest of the main cast was admirable as well.  Mickey, still underrated.  Captain Jack... still amazing.   And the Doctor did him so, so wrong by leaving him behind.  Gah. 

Anyway, in two nights I’ve now gone back over 750 pages of 15 posts per page, I’m on page 2488 of 2981.   I’ve deleted over 600 posts (40 pages worth) because they were dumb, bad, irrelevant, broken or just something I no longer want on my blog anymore.  I’m still only in mid-January, less than 8 months after this blog was started, but also I think I’m getting near the point of where I set up a queue and did a lot less post-spamming.  I may pick this project back up sometime next week, since I’m about to have a very busy rest of the week. I think the worst of the cringe is past, though.

#personal post tag thingy #notes on a blog cleanup

[elizabethrobertajones]

14x01 watching notes

RIP Kip, we hardly knew ye.

Well hey, returning friends and people who unwittingly clicked on this not knowing exactly what they're in for. Blowing off the dust and starting a new season of Dabb fuckery, which I spent way too long trying to think of a portmanteau for when I already have the episode downloaded

It's 5am, let's DO THIS.

-

So they start with Dean's Hi I Am A Cop On The Day Before I Retire speech re: hula girls and hawaiian t-shirts which is remarkably prescient of me to have been irrationally upset about that one detail after I binged most of season 13 last night to get me back in the mood. So now I have to elaborate on my one line textpost >.>

Because yes, that is the perfect note to start the season on: Dean thought the good times had rolled, allowed himself to hope, assembled himself a family with mom and step-pop (Bobby counts as a full father but AU Bobby is step-pop), brother, husband, kid... Said kid was promising A World Without Monsters aka Dabb's showrunning tagline for an endgame he teases them. And Lucifer was tucked safely away in an AU with the murderous Michael... And then in a series of events it all came crumbling down and with this amount of goodness in his grasp, he gave up what even when the real Michael was hounding him for it, he couldn't before.

Because in season 13 it is beyond obvious that Dean is tired, an Old Hunter, the best of his game but ready to bow out on that note, and yet for him it's not a matter of stepping back and letting someone else handle it because when Michael and Lucifer were involved, it was beyond personal. He and Sam only EXIST because Lucifer and realMichael wanted them to. And so there was no way this trouble would come to someone else's door, when it was the nasty angel on his shoulder and the devil on Sam's and we have Nougat as their collective responsibility who's the nexus of it all anyway.

-

Eeee the Road So Far text is glowy grace colour on a dark blue background. I'm JIZED for the title card.

-

Goodness, the Road So Far is a weird journey because we see Jack being all useful and magic and then callbacks to 13x01 and 2 where he was a messed up 2 day old and Dean just wanted to murder him.

I haven't outlined any expectations for this episode or even this recap but I suddenly realise that I should probably be wondering how much DeanCas we're gonna get in it, and this rage against Jack is subtextually motivated, for sure, but for me the first 6 episodes of Dean's grief arc were wonderful character stuff but removed from the main plot and therefore in my head I keep boxing them off like a bubble season, like 10x01-3 are, and I legit wasn't even expecting to SEE content from them in the recap, because brilliant as they are I sort of just forgot they were a part of this season despite watching them yesterday. The season for me became so much the Jack And Mary Search that this hiccup at the start didn't meet the requirements to be in season 13 :P

They're just That Time Dean Was Really Sad About Cas Then He Came Back And They Were Cowboys

-

Oh good there was "everybody we've lost" and then a recap of Cas dying and then - oh, we're recapping plot again? Er... everybody? Dean? Who else? DEAN?

this was the thinly veiled subtext of that line anyway since Dean waved off Mary and made it all about Cas anyways but. Yikes, editing team.

-

Jesus I watched season 13 yesterday and I forgot about Asmodeus. You know what, this is pre-coffee AND the 2 types of anti-brain fog medication I gobble in the morning.

But he's that much of a useless lump

Also too much Lucifer nipple on screen pre-coffee. Ick.

-

Nice recapping of Not The Levitating Fight.

-

NOW

Stock photo Nyoom of the season!! Hi Baby! You aren't in this episode because Eugenie said the car wasn't being used this season

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Sam's got his Vengeance Eyes on but he's all scruffy and grown up so I trust him 10000% to get the job done.

-

OW. FUCK. OW. OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. GOOD USE OF INTERSTITIAL MUSIC

Why were you even listening to Dean's tapes if they fuck you up that badly? IS THIS YOUR VENGEANCE PLAYLIST? I'VE BEEN WAITING 10 YEARS

Actually, I haven't, I binged 4-5-6 as one unit after thinking the show was cancelled during the writers' strike but the point is that Sam and his ipod in 4x01 is immediately in my head because he was listening to his own music and being a hipster douche, but now he is not on demon blood he has not installed an ipod dock because he's GETTING DEAN BACK, DAMMIT but at the same time he's also realising that this means a heavy toll that the only driving music in the car is Dean's stuff...

-

Oh no, this must be the guy from the SDCC clip we hadn't seen because Osric Chau is banned forever for illegally uploading them all for us in the past, and all I know is that Deanchael is going to Fuck Him Up and I feel very bad for him

*raises my mug to Osric* I'm sure you tried, dude. And thanks for the previous years.

-

Hi Deanchael. I noticed in a promo pic that his tie has that sacred geometry type pattern on it which is a detail I made a mental note to type out literally anywhere in the like month between there and here and did not so here it is at a hopefully appropriate place.

Based on every other scene setting detail I suspect that this faithful man is actually still within the USA because this is literally the cabin set they re-use for everything. The spoilers made it sound like Deanchael was globe trotting to raise his army but now I see what's around us... Yeah no he's as focused on the US as every other big bad before.

-

Anyway they really specifically chose this prayer to Allah because of how pointed it was about being only for Allah and how he was the best, so I'm assuming Deanchael is here to be like yo God's gone and I'm your last chance of faith

-

Like just ruin his day and he got up at like 4am or whatever the first prayer is to do it and all

-

I hope, like, no offence to any Muslim viewers or anything >.> They sure play fast and loose with a lot of this stuff because Christian cultures are full of bitter non-believers raised in the culture and looking to kick up at the big guy in the sky, which is not an impression I get that Islam is as used to cultural flippancy, regardless of personal beliefs of residents of predominately Muslim countries and cultures. I'm not 100% sure though, because the closest link I've got is my raised-Christian Iranian friend who applies Christian eye-rolling to the issues with being in Iran and heathen so I still get that perspective of middle fingers up at Organised Religion from our discussions about it all... anyway big diversion, still waiting for coffee to kick in :P I just swallowed the last of it so I can only get more jittery from here on out!

-

It's so fuckin weird to see Dean's face confidently reciting verse in Arabic

I mean you don't need the hat, sir. I get it. It's not you in there.

-

Well so far anyway he's playing on the fact that the guy does pray to god and his angels.

-

Lol @ this man guessing his way through God AND Gabe to Deanchael's annoyance that he's the 3rd guess and he has to clarify that he's the better one.

Man, Gabriel worked on his reputation. I wouldn't have been able to tell you who Michael was because there wasn't even a kid in my class with that name when I was age 4 busy portraying Gabriel in a nativity play with full impish glee that the real deal would have been proud of.

-

Uhoh things aren't looking good for Jamil D: Asking for peace and love is good, you funky little hippy.

Is Deanchael implying that the Syria insurgency is the route to peace? I honestly don't know enough about the American foreign policy politics to know what sort of stance this is though from a liberal leaning show (I mean come on Bobo is a card-carrying socialist, I've seen it on Twitter :P), though to an outside viewer well aware of how fucked up it all is should this have been said on a British program, this is a vast over-simplification.

But we know Michael's main traits are Likes War and then also Warmonger and of course, spoilin' for a fight. So this may be a personal judgement and as much as they're bringing politics into their show I'm just backing right on out and going with this :P That he thinks it is more honourable to stay and fight and that Jamil is a hypocrite for not sticking around to work for peace actively.

-

Oh Jamil hooked up with a woman called Darleen. He is FOR SURE in America.

-

It's so funny to me that Deanchael can fly anywhere and they could have set this anywhere but it still ends up being a wooden cabin in the US. This has to turn out to be a lead to follow with a news report about the poor guy or else this is just hysterical that they couldn't be arsed to mock up even a hint of another country :P

-

He knew all this about Jamil beforehand so I have to assume he's really just here to drag him.

-

Man, that throw was GOOD. I'm assuming they either spent all summer playing with wires and stunts or else they've gone back to the drawing board on all this flinging people around business.

-

"A better world" oh we are so on for this World Without Monsters malarky still. This lines up with the clip from Dean they opened on so well - the dark irony of he and Michael working on the same project but from different angles. Dean wants to sort out monsters and bad things so he can go on a beach, aka his version of paradise, and Mikey wants to smush all the sinners, and clean up the planet, which is HIS version of paradise.

-

HECKIN GOOD TITLE CARD

now photoshop those wings on everyone

-

I LIKE SCRUFFY BULLET MAKER FROM THE AU.

He's like so happy to be in a world where you just casually have resources.

Meanwhile poor Maggie has become the de facto nurse and hates it.

Ugh the Bunker is a place where people just show up who yell "Soup's on!"

In my redshirt betting pool, Soups On is the first guy who dies.

-

Promo sceeeeene

I'm so happy Sam and Mary are doing this together. Last season Sam was so upset that Dean got to have a relationship with her, and he had missed out, but without Dean around - no offence to him - Sam and Mary may be focused on FINDING him but this is the work they also need to do for their relationship to start to ground it in something real. It's taken this long with all the separations, but remember that Mary also worked through some of her issues about Sam only last season in the AU with 6 month old Jack. And if she needed that sort of reminder and relationship to warm her up for Sam, her suddenly-grown 6 month old, then there were still a LOT of underlying issues that dated back to the start for her to overcome. Hopefully this puts them on a level playing field, though there's a new conflict brewing for them, with Mary's determined optimism vs Sam's pessimism, born of that depression from last season that never really got treated or resolved, they just managed to power past its current main triggers. Of course now it all just shifts in a Deanward direction.

-

I love how Ketch has been punted to London, at Buckleming discretion to drag him back. This wasn't even Bobo punting him out the door, and he and Buckleming have a violent back and forth over favourite characters, started in 9x06 with Bobo's very first episode when he banished Professor Morrison forever.

-

MARY TRIES MOMMING SAM TO GO TO BED

THEN SCRUFFY GUN GUY IS LIKE "CHIEF"

Chieeeeeeef.

Sam runs the shooow here and I love it. He's their badass MoL hunter leader, a scruffy saviour from another world.

Given Sam is wearing the same shirt and jacket in the promo pics I'm guessing he does not sleep, though I hope he gets to eat the soup.

-

"Maggie can you hack the traffic cams?" "um. no."

I love and support Maggie. She is a normal person who happened to live in apocalypse world and she just wants to flirt with the guy from the Gas n Go who probably hasn't talked to her since that got blown up and Jack attacked him over her... I mean, this is better than the AU world but maybe she just wants to be normal? Did anyone ask Maggie what she wanted??

-

SAM. You can eat your soup and run things at the same time! Get back here and eat that soup!

-

"yes sir"

Goodness, this is wonderful. Sam's doing what he was born to do, and then not because that was leading a friggin demon army, but then yes because he's got inherent leadership traits that he defers to Dean all the time because, well, he's there, and he's big bro.

Look, sometimes you need big bro to murder Satan's ass for you forever, but you also should be calling the shots. There's a balance here, where Dean can be the older brother, but Sam can be the boss. Work/life balance. Dean's got your back but you command an army of hunters, like we've all been salivating over since like season 8 when they first said the MoL ran the Bunker as the hub of operations dictating stuff to trusted hunters and the like.

Of course, if Sam is the Bobby here, then who is the AUBobby? I hope we see what's up with that soon, I've been wanting them to bristle those beards in an alpha way at each other for months, because AUBobby was their leader before Sam because Sir Chief.

-

"Sam."

"i'm good"

*mothering intensifies*

"i'm GOOD"

*mothering intensifies*

"How's Jack"

You aren't used to being mothered and it's murdering me completely to my soul. Dean's got SO MUCH MOTHERING all through the show compared to you. He even sees Jody as a mom friend while you crush on her like crazy so you haven't even got that!!!!

Because Chief Sam is the boss of this lot but at the SAME TIME he's getting all these soft tender mom moments he's never got to have before. It's a wonderful balance of nuances to his current life. He's overworked but surrounded by a supportive care team that respects him, gives him soup, and holds his hand, literally in Mary's case. And yet he's the scruffy macho competent boss who knows how to call all these shots, deputise, set up missions, but still knows more than them, how to do traffic cams, I'm sure years of lore over most of these hunters who only learned to deal with what got thrown at them in the apocalypse by trial and error because when do they get lore books? Mary and Bobby and other pre-apocalypse hunters would be few and far between to offer competent training to a populace suddenly all turned hunter.

-

Oh, AUBobby is beating up Jack. Perfect.

-

AAAH DIRECTED BY TJW

WAS NOT ADEQUATELY HOLDING ONTO SEAT

WARN A GIRL

-

I love finally seeing the training room but I'm deeply conscious that this is where Put Up Your Dukes starts and I can't get that fan fic out my mind so I'm just like, Jack, don't lie on the floor, your dads have banged there.

-

I'm so happy that AUBobby is nurturing a grandson, because this is the difference between him and Bobby - that our Bobby had that with Sam n Dean, but AUBobby never did. Though he DID have Mary Campbell to crush on, I doubt it would have softened him and rounded out the harsh places in his soul the same way raising Sam and Dean did, because he had an unrequited love and she hadn't gotten over John, while this recently widowed Mary Winchester actually has made better progress just because of the circumstances of the loss. Anyways Jack has no preexisting history with Bobby so there's nothing weird about him and AUBobby stepping into a nurturing relationship, that Sam n Dean would find uncomfortable in a way, given their relationship with Bobby. And Jack gets yet another strong figure to teach and guide him.

AUBobby looks slim and stands tall compared to Bobby, which I'm largely putting down to posture, and not being drowned in layers. I like this difference - Bobby almost never voluntarily dressed in 1 layer, but AUBobby has a more military slant, and this training sergeant routine with Jack is a good fit to show a difference in his character, that isn't surly old Bobby behind his desk, that he's involved in teaching Jack to fight, rather than helping hunters with lore and swigging whiskey.

I'd assume given the lack of availability in his AU, he's considerably less alcohol dependant, so this is a very different character thing. If Bobby were doing this training, and nothing else was different, he'd be taking a breather to pour them both a whiskey as he imparts wisdom.

-

Demon in nice shoes and dark sunglasses at night to indicate that yes I am a demon I have black eyes :P I assume this is a demon anyway not just because of this detail but pre-season spoilers

-

Ah hearing Cas's name is enough to make my heart pick up. MY GUY!

But then, "Castiel, darling"

Stop trying to make Good Omens happen, it's not going to happen. You can't just "darling" up to an angel and expect that good good romance. Crowley took years to wear Cas down and Cas never actually LIKED him, down to their last real interaction where Cas was just "WTF???? LEAVE ME TO ROT AND DIE" when Crowley saved him in 12x12

-

God I miss that

-

"Oh god."

Same, buddy.

You do, however, realise this is your first words of the season gifset line, though?

Someone ought to write to Dabb and inform him that people make first and last word gifsets and to be more careful.

Especially if in the last episode at the end of the season, Cas's last word is "Dean"

-

Anyway Cas has said 1 line and I can tell he's on top form. Unlike 10x01 he's in a hipster hogroast joint.

-

This demon, with dark black sunglasses inside at night (douchebag) just ordered a coffee, black. WE GET IT, ENOBY DEMENTIA DARKNESS RAVEN WAY, YOU ARE GOFFIC AND IT'S AS BLACK AS YOUR SOUL

-

LOL Cas is sitting under the JACK'S sign.

Demon douche sits under Schultz, which is the death beer. And lemme tell you, TJW is well-versed in this. So well-versed in it he's sat Cas in front of a classic El Sol flyer with the subtle touch required to tell Dean that Cas is his dream girl. He knows his shit.

-

This seriously seems to be implying that the rise of hipster food joints is an effort from Hell to spread chaos on earth

-

Cas sitting with his back to the fire is such an interesting visual, but this is just a note to self for later to guess what it all means

-

THIS FUCKIN DEMON TOOK  HIS BLACK SUNGLASSES OFF TO SHOW OFF HIS BLACK EYES

Dabb is so good at incidental characters, and making me hate this guy for nuanced nonsensical reasons is amazing. This is... art...

-

This is a callback to 5x08 and Dean ranting about hating procedural cop shows then him and sam taking their sunglasses on and off at night every time they made  a pun and I'm 100% convinced since 12x01 and Cas busting through that Mystery Spot sign that Gabriel has been subtly influencing events

-

Okay so we know exactly what is written on demon bathroom walls. I'm taking that as a sideways confirmation that Cain knew full well that Dean had his Colette because he'd seen crude doodles of them doing it

Anyway douchedemon just outright told Cas that all the demons assume he and Dean in particular are banging. Not that Cas bangs Winchesters, as some have implied, without knowing all the details. They've narrowed this info down.

I assume this is also in the Winchester Dossier that Barthamus studied from before meeting them. I love that demons probably do have a filing cabinet somewhere of all the notable assholes they run into in their work, and the Winchesters take up a whole cabinent, but the refresher file summarising them in a paragraph if you don't have time is like, Sam: Lazy boyking, will stab you. Dean: fucking Castiel, will stab you.

-

Cas doesn't even move an eyebrow. Incredible.

-

Cas rarely gets hit with these compared to Dean in the history of the show, and Dean is full of bluster or anger or confusion or alarmed eyebrows. Cas is like... no. fuck you. i'm party!Cas, I have my shit in order.

Though this is from a demon. It's an entirely different thing when Heaven is involved, as they also have their dossier on the winchesters.

Sam: abomination. will banish you. Dean: fucking Castiel. Will stab you.

-

*loud coffee slurp* "what's in it for moi?

Cas, stab him. Stab him now. This is not worth the information. You can find another guy.

-

I'm starting to think Cas with his back to the flames is his unwitting danger from this hellish hogroast place.

-

They use Shultz beer containers to hold the sauces and menus on the table. DEEEEATH

-

Cas speaking slower and threatening to burn him to ash "right here and right now"

this is a gifset that will get a lot of notes from thirsty Cas fans

-

Whaaaaaaaa the entire joint turned out to be owned by and filled with demons who would ever have guessed based on one open fire and that metal hogs head from the promo pics :P

-

Stop hurting him!!!! Misha can't stage fight! This is really unfair!!

I wonder how the poor new awesome fight coordinator took to Misha

"let's just... um..." "hide him behind all these demons?" TJW suggests The fight guy nods sadly.

-

Aww Sister Jo got back to work. Good for her.

-

Sister Jo has no fear and can stroll down a shady alley counting her money

*t-shirt meme* One fear: *flappy wing noises*

"Hey Jo."

-

GHOLY SHIT TRUE FORMS TYHUEOJDSHGFSH DS TRUE FORMS WE SEE WHAT ANGELS SEEE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD SCIENCE HAS CAUGH T UP TO THE DIVINE, SPN CAN FINALL Y SHOW US WHAT ANGELS SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

-

Holy shit I want the gif of this as my blog header. That's shitting amazing.

-

Burning HALO

ALL HIS CHI POINTS LIT UP EVEN WHEN IT MAKES IT LOOK SILLY TO HAVE HIS CALVES GLOWING

-

I wonder if this is what Danneel sees when she looks at Jensen all the time

-

"Why would he say yes to you?"

"Love"

I'm dying and I am dead. I gather that Dean is 100% absent from this episode, but that one comment puts him front and centre and I am in paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain. Everything happening around Michael and because of Michael is because Dean loves his peeps. From Sam staying up hacking traffic cams on vampires to Cas getting his ass handed to him by demons.

-

I bet Cas looks like that single glowstick he had on in the cave when angels look at him.

-

Party!Cas

-

I ruined the fun

-

Jensen gently touches Danneel's face and that's just rude because that's all his tenderness for his wife being turned into a scary villain move between Deanchael and Jo. Don't do this to them!!!

-

Oooof Deanchael pulls from Dean's memory of Anael about what she was like, describing her in the most Cas-like terms, then cuts through her hilarious bull about wanting handbags (this is so meta about sticking middle fingers in the faces of people who think she's a well-paid beard) and then starts telling her she wants love and a family.

Deanchael has used the word "love" twice in a scene and it's horrifying to see the word come out of his face, when Dean is so guarded. Now Deanchael is just looking through Sister Jo and analysing what she wants - and she's playing this game very well but this move of his might still beat her. Because ow. Telling her she wants belonging and family. When she's very much established as a Cas mirror by the reminder she ran away from Heaven and doesn't want to play by their rules.

"It's very, very human of you. And so disappointing." Did all those times Lucifer sucked her grace bring her close to feeling it? To the point of permanent damage? I only ask because I know another guy this might apply to.

-

I wonder how much Deanchael is projecting based on conjectures because he knows Cas through Dean's eyes.

-

"But if they're all these sad, lost, fallen things..." Ya, that's Cas too for suresies

-

SAM AND JACK SAM AND JACK

Jack sitting quietly in meditation, clearly unsettled. A parallel to 13x23 when Dean came rushing in to him having a nightmare, now Sam is having a crack at parenting the boy.

-

Jack lying about how things were fine. Nougat. Hon. You're human now. But not that good at being human. Sam knows your tells :P

-

Sam interrupted mid pep-talk by Mary with some nonsense.

Jack is always so ugh... accepting and kinda flippant. He knows parental figures can be disappointing and get dragged away mid peptalk by some business.

Which he's apparently not involved in. I guess after we see him going on hunts with them in 13x23, he's grounded until he goes through basic training so not only is he useless to help with his powers to find Dean, but he can't even do the easy hunter stuff because he's just a kid.

-

Aww my poor baby Nougat :( He's so angsty. He's a TEEN. Lookit him! All growed up!

-

Uuugh I guess this is Nick. "I didn't talk to him. I can barely look at him."

What I'm getting from this sequence mainly is the sound of Triss's rage at the Bunker layout.

-

*Mary pats Sam's shoulder supportively and walks off*

You're on your own, Chief.

-

Ugh I am not ready for this bull if it's Nick but I have to keep watching to be sure :P

-

Ew it is. EW. What does Mark P HAVE on you all.

At least TJW is shooting the heck out of this to show us how gross Sam finds this all.

Sam's shadow falling over Nick.

I really want to know how this bullshit happened. And yet. No, not really.

-

Oh gross AND they're making Mark P take off his shirt. The nipple I didn't want to see in the Road So Far was not warning enough.

Pre-season ugh speculation was that whatever Crowley did to Nick made him stronger and more permanent apparently even than Lucifer being stabbed out of him.

-

So yeah anyway I guess Jack is in part also sulking about this and I'm with him, because Sam being pulled away from their pep talk time to deal with Gross Man Associated With My Father But Not Actually Him Because Biologically I Am The Son Of A Non-Historical President...

-

Making Sam the one who has to care for Nick is utterly cruel. He has so many deputies. Maybe this is just his personal fear that Nick's still a bit Lucifery. Maybe he just sees this as a gross burden, a manifestation of the ongoing trauma from Lucifer, that even when he's dead he lingers.

-

Plus, it's giving us some reassurance that an angel can be ousted from a vessel without killing them, to throw some options into the Deanchael pot.

-

Still. Nick. Really.

-

I bet Jack is sulking because some little cosmic part of him regenerating deep down in his core, that one lil gold glowy chi point in his big toe, knows that Eugenie forgot his name at SDCC and called him "Nick" and this shit from your creator just weighs on you. Jack is an entity beyond Buckleming and yet born from them, and this is what they beget: forgetting their own child in favour of this old carcass.

-

bitter? moi? *sips coffee noisily*

-

Actually, that's not true but I need some tea because I'm sulky so I'm taking this ragebreak to go make some and then I will sip it noisily in Nick's direction. :P

-

Everything henceforth is under the jurisdiction of hot drink no.2

-

"I don't understand how Lucifer could die and I could live"

I hate you

Eurgh, I bet you anything Dabb pulled a Buckleming and just took the post-it note they gave him when he asked, er, HOW does this happen? and transliterated it into dialogue because 1: all the writers shade Buckleming all the time because I can literally see it ooze out of Perez and Yockey and Bobo's writing but this is the showrunner, guyses. 2: it's such a dumbass convoluted explanation that it only burns out the archangel but if you non-fatally stab it then the guy is fine.

Which begs the question of how the fuck is Gabriel because if we get anything good from this, that fucker is in one hell of an interesting vessel situation compared to Old Nick.

-

PS: I am not sure how culturally saturated this is so we are all clear that Old Nick is a historically used name for Satan and his name has been a joke since 5x01 thanks to Kripke, and now we have to actually deal with that.

-

And then Nick is actually sympathetic to how Sam feels looking at him. I guess Mark P really wants us to feel sympathetic to his new dude.

-

"And Michael... did he tell Lucifer anything about his plan?"

Listen, we NEED acknowledgement that for a month or so Lucifer and AUMichael roadtripped together to assemble from their AU the key of solomon, the fruit of the tree of life, and the blood of a most holy man.

There was a lengthy downtime while people settled in and Dean was allowed to think the Good Times were rolling, and all that time, the weirdest brother roadtrip show ever was going on in the AU, mad enough that I would actually find it hilarious to watch despite enduring Mark P as a result of it.

-

SAM DOES NOT DESERVE THIS

He's not allowed to rest, ever.

-

I bet this is douchdemon phoning him from Cas's phone.

-

"Hello Sam!" says a perky voice down the phone. It's INCREDIBLE how unlikeable this demon is making himself. He's actually my favourite character now.

-

Oh no, Nougat is wearing a different grey shirt. He's really depressed. Someone help him.

-

"He just told you he was a demon?" "he seemed proud of it too"

Sam hates him as well. I can't wait for Sam to come scowl at him.

-

"What do we do?" Maggie asks, completely wide-eyed. Oh honey. Poor, innocent, sheltered Maggie. What were you doing all apocalypse until we caught up with you? You aren't hardened, you're adorable.

-

AUBobby and Rufus (his gun)

-

"I'm coming too!" YAY JACK. Your father is in trouble, he's on a hunting trip and he hasn't been home in a few days, but what a different world all the rest is

-

"I'm not as strong, but I can help," he says, looking tiny beside Sam, bruised up from AUBobby's training, a single layer to make him look even smaller...

(we do not talk enough about how all these jackets are a sort of alpha being shoulder plumping thing like when you make yourself look huge to scare off a mountain lion but that's 100% what this is)

IT MADE JACK SMILE yey he's allowed to feel useful! Pop is allowing him to go on a mission to rescue Dad who was looking for Papa when this all went down.

Grandpapa is not so pleased, because AUBobby has been measuring how useful Jack is and I feel like lil Nougat bab is going to do something mildly heroic for Cas or else get pasted for his ongoing character development for the season...

-

"He needs this, Bobby."

-

Dear LORD does he not quit? We don't even know his name? "Are you sure I can't get you anything... hot... or black?" FUck OFF

No wonder by the promo pic Cas looked so utterly done. This is exhaustingly annoying for him. Cas's personal hell is just irritating people. A line of Crowleys and Lucifers and this jerkwad chattering at him.

-

And yet Dean runs his mouth all the time and Cas is in luuuurve

-

Oh lordy are we really doing this coffee metaphor now? "Coffee has no effect on me" (but he once acquired the taste, and it was a core part of him being human and learning to human in the opening shot of 9x06 for him as his metaphor for how he was learning)

"me either *sluuuurp* not any more. But it's like saltwater taffy or infants. I just like the taste."

-

"I'm just being a good host like mother would have wanted"

Cas stops mid eyeroll to eyeroll HARDER at meeting ANOTHER demon with mommy issues. Like, please. Don't. I like Rowena now but can we NOT.

-

Party!Cas of Dabb era is my favourite iteration of Cas by a country mile.

-

"Why are you using me as bait?" "it's kind of what you're for"

Oh Cas. Now he's just the damsel in distress, which I guess is a step up from being an attack dog, but still isn't that great for the ego stroking about his role and use within the Winchester family, an ongoing source of stress for him, this reminds us.

-

Cas's faith in Sam is wonderful. like, as soon as douchmon says he needs something from Sam, Cas just SMIRKS like, OH BUDDY. BUDDDYYY. No, I'm not gonna say it. I'm just - "you think he'd make a deal with you?" I'm ... I don't laugh as a rule but inside? Hilarious.

-

"Somebody asked me what it was that I wanted" You know, I think Deanchael is INCITING people. he's not killing any of them, just using the revelation of his appearance to motivate them - moving Sister Jo to do what she wants, which is to re-organise Heaven with the ideas she had as a button pushing functionary... visiting world leaders and holy men, and this douche...

To what end, though? Chaos? This is a roundabout way to make a better world.

-

"Destroying, Drinking, Defiling, you know, the 3 Ds" they absolutely have posters up in Hell with this on for the newbies to learn.

-

We've seen Heaven's staffroom, I DEMAND to see the break room in Hell, with all its lurid Destiel smut doodled on the walls and so on

-

Anyway it's a hell of a question, pun intended, because demons have no real purpose, even the named baddies have largely been slaves to someone else's will (Lucifer or Crowley) and Crowley could not have answered that question from the start of season 6 through to the moment he chose to sacrifice himself... I don't think any of TFW 2.0 or Bunker Squad could answer it fully. Cas can't, and that's the question that's been bugging him since 9x06 -

EPHRAIM Shh-shh-shhh. It'll be over soon. I'll take the pain away.

CASTIEL I want to live.

EPHRAIM But as what, Castiel? As an angel? or a man?

and it's what his entire crisis in season 10 was over... Who ARE you Castiel? What do you WANT?

-

Dean wants a Beach Vacation Ending. He figured it out and as narrative punishment, he's Deanchael. No one else has sorted it out, though, but Sam got close - he had his pizza dream and was immediately punished with being eaten by vampires and resurrected by Lucifer and all that drama... Sam's work isn't done. Though his growth has taken a huge leap, now he has to figure out what he wants in this NEW setting, and we're only just MEETING Chief Sam in this iteration, so he's got a lot of work to do.

-

"I gave it a good think and I worked out exactly what I wanted. Everything."

Deanchael definitely is planning for this, so watch out buddy.

-

SAM DRIVING, MOM IN SHOTGUN

RED ALERT

-

Uhoh Sam's snapped because of the optimism Mary exudes. Yep, he really was nearly at the last straw in their earlier convo when he scoffed at her attempts to cheer him up.

Look, she's trying to mom you with no experience except adopting Jack. Work with her.

-

Sam is spiralling with the depression, this time all the bad things that could have happened to Dean and how they're never going to find him, throwing these horrible scenarios at Mary to stop her trying to comfort him.

-

"I know. I know he's out there, scared and alone." She sees lil 4 year old Dean. Because, I mean, that is the soul Dean bears to her when they have moments sometimes. And her optimism is a wall against thinking of her toddler in this scenario.

"I know. I know he might not come back. Never think I don't know that. But I can't - I have to think about the good, Sam. Because if I don't, I will drown in the bad." I wonder who that directly relates to who is currently driving this car.

I really hope this is a bit of vindication for Mary - or redemption to the eyes of the people who don't like her - that she does care, and she's spelling out her approach to all this. In the start of season 12 when she was trying to keep afloat she used a lot of optimism and furious paddling on the surface, because she has been doing that her whole life. When she was being raised a hunter, when she was a housewife with no clue what she was doing, a mom but he marriage beginning to fall apart... And then thrust into the present day, and it's 360 degrees of combat and loss and sadness and a ill-advised hook up with Ketch... Furious doggy paddling on the surface.

"For Dean's sake, I can't do that. We can't do that." And she shows that she is prioritising Dean, that she's driven and motivated to keep going FOR him.

Come on, give her a chance.

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Nyooom.

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Meanwhile in the Jack and Bobby truck, Jack is the one angsting and Bobby is the one driving.

Jack is one years old and not legally old enough to drive.

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Bobby peptalks him with the reminder that when Jack had his grace he did hero things for these people, which is why he can ride shotgun, and even if he feels useless now, they'll have his back, that he has earned this squad even if he can't be as awesome as he used to.

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Maggie is like, I'm getting a reaction shot... Am I going to develop feelings for Jack? That would be super weird, he's one years old. I hope no one is implying this even though I'm in a bunch of scenes getting character focus.

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Eeeeeeee Sam trusts Mary with the demon killing knife. I am sure they don't call it Ruby's knife to her and he has never, ever told her about that time that thing happened with Ruby.

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This fucker had his back turned for Sam to enter just so he could turn around dramatically. God he's repellent.

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An extra was hired to pat Sam down. What a job.

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"The shoulders. The hair! You are my Beyonce!" I mean, same. Except. Cas is Agent Beyonce so this fuckhead has totally misread this situation.

This gives Sam a moment to look over at Cas and Cas silently says, yes I know he's a total fuckhead, I've been dealing with this all day. I'm so sorry bro, can you just stab him so we can go home and follow a different lead. I don't even care what this one knows, I can't handle him another minute.

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"I'm more embarrassed than I am hurt" I understand this to my core, and I'm so sorry, Cas.

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"Kipling. Kip for short."

"Cool. Kip. I'm here." Sam being exactly as "fuck you" as I wanted towards Kip.

Sam is now standing with his head in an El Sol sign. TJW what are you up to bud?

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Oh no Jack and Maggie got caught skulking. Sam and Cas have the same "my boy!" reaction when they see Cas.

Maggie is here too, you monsters.

But Kip has missed Mary and AUBobby

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"It's just late capitalism, you understand" Yeah, and fuck you Kip.

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How is Kip so irritating that he can make tapping a stool somehow the most obnoxious thing a man could do? He's WONDERFULLY well-cast. I love this actor. He's chewing scenery and it's incredible.

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"What do you want?" Ow, Sam being twisted into asking the same thing Deanchael asked Kip

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"Ass-modeus Kentucky Fried" listen you are still the worst but that drew a sympathetic smile and I hate it and I hate you.

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Oh, Sam just Sammed something from that side glance, random demon side-eye. Oooh. Oooooooh.

But yeah, Kip asking for the "Crowley Deal" as if it's a package that can be bought from the Winchesters, and not something that Crowley wormed his way into via much back and forth power plays and drama. The Winchester have always had a back and forth with Hell, and since Crowley there have been a lot of demons, like Bart, trying to figure out what exactly it WAS that they all had. But someone has to be in charge, and the Winchesters are the top dog destined hunters with their fingers  in all the world-saving pies, so clashes come naturally. Approaching them like this, first Bart, now this douchenozzle, is meta, presumptuous, overstepping what builds naturally... An attempt to leapfrog to the end where the equilibrium is established.

But Crowley had time to build a long game. These new pretenders are working in a world where the Winchesters' actions have devastated Heaven and Hell alike, and are, like Mary, just trying to keep afloat on the whole thing.

"We never gave Crowley that deal." Because yes, that's how it seemed to play out, and from outsider eyes that's how it may have looked... But each and every interaction came about naturally through the plot, there was no wrangling it. That's just how the Winchesters and Crowley ended up.

And that hole can't be filled by someone just leaping into the chair and asking for it.

Though it is nice if Motown Meats is the new seat of Hell on Earth instead of the outdated exterior asylum interior castle dungeon look Crowley set up.

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"You're no Crowley. I know that. So do they." I think that was what Sam Sammed out of the demons, and also true, and ALSO is this the boyking accidentally exerting himself, knowing what's good for Hell? I always get a lil tingle in my thumbs when Sam gets too involved in knowing what's up with Hell.

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Holy shit Kipling was a Mongolian warlord who rode with Genghis Khan in life. PLEASE survive this episode, I want to hate you all season. PLEAAAASE I BEG YOU.

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Oh my god this insecure whinging asshole, chowing down on the scenery like there's no tomorrow. "I'D EAT YOUR HEART" *turns to weepy and quiet* "before I show you who I really am..."

This is Eddie Redmayne in Jupiter Ascending levels of scenery eating. He's gonna pick up a barstool and take a bite out of it now.

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Sam is doing this all unarmed, which is something to remember, because this is the fucker who talked his way into killing the Alpha Vamp while MOSTLY unarmed for a majority of that chat.

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Sam Fucking Winchester.

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AUBOBBY AND RUFUS!!!!

Also mary.

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But AUBobby gets a slow mo for Rufus shooting demons.

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HOLY SHIT MARY'S SLOW MO

I am pregnant

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MARY THROWING SAM THE KNIFE

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TJW was like this fight is too fast, my guy. We need to slow it down.  You're so good at your job no one's gonna see what happened unless we go slow mo.

he and the fight guy high five

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"Aw, balls."

Hey, Nougat tried. He's got a squishy hero centre.

Looks like he weighs nothing and now he's human he goes down in one punch. Owie.

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"Here take this. You know how to use it?" "Uh! Stab them with the pointy end!?" "pretty much"

Maggie you precious girl why are you HERE. Why is Soups On or Gnarly Gun Guy not here?

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Cas you fucking damsel in distress

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Fight guy is like "uuuuh do I have to"

Misha is like "I'm good here, tbh"

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SAM FUCKING WINCHESTER

(Aw, Kip's dead, he was fun)

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"ENOUGH"

YES SIR

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"There will be NO NEW KING OF HELL"

You are gonna get demon minions like fucking ducklings you ass

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"Not ever. And if anyone wants the job, you can come through me" Sam is technically immortal so long as Rowena is alive and vice versa you know. Also, how long is he planning on defending Hell? Ever?

I'm stalling from how much I have to scream about how badass Sam was throwing down that declaration that he's now essentially the trial a pretender to the throne has to pass to take the job.

Because if I was a demon... FUCK NO would I want to tangle with this fucker.

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Sam's file, updated: Current King Of Hell. Will Kill You. AVOID.

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Sam is fucking terrifying. I love it. He scared demons out of their meatsuits. Sam walking into a room is now a reason to eject and abort mission. God. This guy.

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Remember in season 1 when demons were scary? Oo er this isn't our sort of thing... halp.

Now Sam looks them in the eye and is like, fuck off. I'm scarier than any of you.

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"That's what I thought"

Cas is literally giving you the reverse look of in 4x16 when you marched in and fried Alastair's brain.

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SAM GOT A NEW SHIRT thank god.

I should amend: he did all this wearing blue plaid with orange stripes.

Sam Fucking Winchester.

The BMoL definitely didn't have the right birth certificate because that's his legal middle name.

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Sam n Caaaaas my GUYS. I hope this is the 10x01 convo but, like, not. Flip flip flip those pancakes, Dabb my guy.

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Cas, hon, you're still so beat up you have blood trails coming out of your nose. There's not really caring about your meatsuit because it heals eventually, but there's also washing your fucking face, because Sam's had time to change his shirt and get a beer so what were you doing?

-

Probably staring at a picture of Dean on his phone and sighing.

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Anyway he's here to ask how Sam is, rather than care about himself. Symbolism.

"I've been better. And worse." Worse is 10x01.

Or 4x10's flashbacks. For sure those are the worstest.

Though, this time you are the king of hell and you're wearing a dark shirt and I don't think you have thought this through.

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The most well-meaning accidental king of hell ever.

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Sam and Cas share the "to find Dean I'd do anything" look. Be CAREFUL. Cas is literally choosing to wear hubris on his face because he feels bad about his fuck up with going to Kip.

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Mary! Casual Mary chilling in the kitchen!!

Although, with everyone in the bunker, these rooms are taking on different meanings. The people are chasing out the heavy shadows and ghosts of all the oppressive silences Sam and Dean have filled these corners with.

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Aw it's Mary and AUBobby. I was half-hoping we'd have her giving beer to Jack, but I guess we need to set up the forward momentum on their relationship for this season.

"Not bad today, old man." "you too, Sunshine."

You do realise that Mary is sitting in the exact same spot as where Dean was when he called Cas "Sunshine" You do know that right I mean you KNOW? This is TJW, he knows. He's a Destiel Shipper of the highest order.

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Cas pops in on Jack, staring at his busted up face in a mirror, now filling more Winchester angst tropes to make up for lost time. "I'm fine," he says without being asked.  Because 10x01 or 10x02 was where Cas defined "fine" for Hannah and explained to her it's what humans say when things are really not fine but they can't admit it.

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"You did well." "All I did was get punched. In the face."

I love snarky teen Jack.

"To be fair, we all got punched in the face," Cas says, still covered in hubris.

He has a POINT. He has full right to pull the "I should feel more useless than you" card on Jack.

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Jack doing the "i'm useless" thing that Cas had to go through when he lost his grace, and Jack was allowed to stay in the Bunker. Is this how Cas would have felt had he not been kicked out?

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Jack says Michael's out there and he still feels responsible to stop him. There's a very, very very very ver very weird Hamlet vibe from Jack, being forced into a position of emotional responsibility to kill his uncle, but Cas is his once dead now back and not a ghost father, and Jack couldn't kill Michael and so Dean got possessed... I mean, it's not a neat overlay, but Jack wants to kill an uncle, an AUncle, and I feel like in terms of uncle-killing narratives, AU Michael making off with Dean fits about as well to Hamlet's uncle marrying his mom as we're gonna get... I'd love to see how this shapes out because these family narratives since season 11 are becoming deeply shakespearean in the amount of nonsense going on. This sort of supernatural drama is a modern world way to have this kind of heightened emotion and the stakes you find in Shakespearean tragedies, and to force the sorts of reflection on the world and self... I really really dig it. Watching season 13 yesterday really hit me with this feeling all over and I'm delighted that Jack has this arc because I'm so amused/interested to see where this weirdo Hamlet parallel goes for him.

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"I don't have anything." "Oh Jack" thanks Cas that's what I said out loud "you have me. You have all of us. You have your family." *SHOULDER GRASP*

No hug. Fuck off Cas, with your reassuring shoulder grasps. I know that's the language you've been taught but Dabb era is hug era and you suck.

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I love that with all of Sam and Mary's doubt and Jack's lack of self worth, it's down to CAS. CASTIEL. CASTIEL WINCHESTER. CASTIEL FUCKING WINCHESTER. PARTY!CAS. to give the actual pep talk of the episode which has ANY conviction behind it. Cas has been fuelled with something MAGNIFICENT since the Empty, and he's turned it up to 11 for Jack here :')

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Jack makes the smallest smile, then turns back to his mirror.

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Sam opening the door to his bedroom, framed in darkness. 10x01 parallels again - this shot as well as the demon dean one were repeated a few times through the 3 episode arc, and the demon dean one became iconic but Sam did it too, to Dean's room. Now he goes into his own... empties his pockets... he still has the fucking engraved money clip from Tall Tales because Gabriel is not only not dead but telling this entire story for us... He has the phone, that's off, because Dean is not there, not communicating with him, blah blah. And he has the keys to the Impala. Because he's the chief.

Well, the King of Hell. Damn, it took 14 years to get him there. Azazel is fucking spinning in his grave.

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Ooh, phonecall! Is it Deanchael? "What do you want?"

Nope, it's Sister Jo! :D She's been standing there ALL NIGHT weighing her options and working out what she wants.

SPIN THAT CHAOS, DEANCHAEL.

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Deanchael approaches a vampire, and it's that purity of Purgatory, that just wanna eat that fuelled so much of the badass stuff in season 7 with the Leviathan, everything Dean's struggled with when it comes to the black and white world of killing monsters no problem that dates back to Gordon in 2x03, that draws Deanchael to them. Because this is Dean's safe space with Benny, a real relationship based on a bond forged in pure, kill or be killed, eat or be eaten purgatory. Deanchael has the same inner machinery as Dean, because Michael is the worst version of Dean, engineered to be Dean but without love. Dean as a monster. And so it all leads here... D:

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Well this will be fun :D

#14x01 #season 14 spoilers #my stuff #dabb vs cars #HECK