#i know it's not very good

[divorcedfiddleford]

leave the door ajar

#gravity falls #stanford pines #fiddleford mcgucket #fiddauthor #artwork of the damned #this is sloppy but i just had to get it out of my head #i just think especially at first there was a lot of fear of saying the wrong thing #and of feelings not being reciprocated #they'll be okay they'll talk about it later #well. more accurately they'll imply they don't want to stop working together and build a doomsday bunker with one bed about it #but that's basically the same as talking #also apologies for the alt text #i know it's not very good #i might try to re-do it later. or just tack it under the post in a readmore. i'm open to suggestions #anyway happy fiddleford friday please enjoy his misery

[threewaywithdelusion]

She's Not Sure She Loves Him (Spuffy Fanfic)

(Warnings for major character death, depression, and unhealthy relationships)

~~~

She's not sure if she loves him. She doesn't know if she ever did. She certainly felt like she did, that moment when the town that forced her to grow up was crashing down on their heads and his soul was burning away. Her fingers had been burning, in his hands, but she'd refused to let go and-- she thought she might have loved him. 

Maybe she had. 

It didn't matter anymore. Not now, so many years later. Just as the teenage girl who'd moved to the Hellmouth had disappeared, so had the world-weary Slayer that had come after. Now all that was left was a battle-hardened Buffy, living because it was her duty. 

It had taken him years to find her. Years to want to find her, after he'd been resurrected.  Years of her mourning him, until she decided to stop feeling the pain. Years of drifting further and further from her friends. Years of time just... Passing. Just passing, monotonous and slow and meaningless.

And then he'd found her again and for a moment she'd wondered if he was still the same person she'd known. The person she might have loved. She wondered if she still had his heart and if he still had his soul.

Then she stopped. 

Good. Evil. What did it matter? He was there. 

And so she stayed with him. 

He was all she had. She'd drifted away from her friends, and they'd drifted away from her, and now it had been eight years since the Sunnydale Hellmouth had closed-- more time than she'd ever called it home-- and she had no one left but him. 

She'd lost Giles first-- before the collapse of Sunnydale-- the day she'd closed the door in his face. He'd found a new Slayer after that, and Faith had been the perfect student, totally reformed and better than Buffy had ever been. She'd listened to him, wanted his opinion, been so careful to toe the line that she'd turned into a model of what every Slayer should be. Buffy and Giles had never... And he had been an old man. Now she would never get the chance.

She'd lost Willow next. Willow, who'd fought so hard to be good that she'd forgotten to fight to forget Tara. And so the first chance she'd gotten, she'd tried to bring her beloved girlfriend back and her eyes had turned black and she'd spiraled out of control-- worse than before. She'd killed two people and Buffy had almost killed her and then Willow was Willow again and she had cried. The experience changed her, and after that she'd kept to herself, quiet and desolate and trying to forget magic and Tara. And she'd stayed away from Buffy especially because Buffy had almost killed her and Willow had been lying when she said she forgave her. She understood, yes. But it's hard to forgive the person whose face meant death, even just once upon a time. That was fine by Buffy. Willow was no longer the shy, caring girl she'd called a friend. Some part of Buffy acknowledged that it was her own fault, that if Willow hadn't been her friend she might still have been the same girl. But Buffy never dwelt on her guilt for too long. She couldn't. She'd caused enough damage- enough death- that if she was to dwell on her guilt for even an instant it would crush her to pieces.

She'd lost Faith next. When Giles died and Faith went dark side again. Buffy had been in England--trying to forget him and failing miserably-- when she'd heard the news. But she'd only just stopped Evil Willow last year and there was only so much she could take. Only so many times she could turn her friends good again before she realized the futility of it-- she was a poison that corrupted the good and it was better if she never went near them at all. Faith was probably still out there-- a rogue, dangerous super-powered girl-- if she was still alive. Buffy didn't know if she was. She didn't want to know.

Losing Dawn should have been the worst. Buffy had once loved her enough to die for her-- she had died for her little sister up on Glory's tower. But that had been another lifetime, another girl. Dawn had called her on it: on her bitterness, her distance, her mindless apathy. She'd burst into the living room of Buffy's one-bedroom apartment like a ball of righteous fury, 21 years old and ready to drive her big sister back into the world. She'd screamed and pleaded and threatened until she was blue in the face, and Buffy had just sat on the couch, unmoving, remembering what a poison she was to everyone around her. Dawn had stayed for two months-- sleeping on the couch and using every possible opportunity to plead with her estranged sister. And then Xander had stopped by and she had given up, screaming some more before the door closed behind her with a very final thud. And Xander -- loyal-to-the-last Xander -- had told Buffy that he was leaving with her, but that if Buffy needed him he would never be more than a phone call away. Then he'd left too and Buffy had been alone.

She'd never called. 

She'd been completely alone for a year before Spike found her. At that time she'd believed him to be dead for six years, and she'd been deader on the inside than she'd ever been those long months they'd spewed nasty words at each other while longing for each other's touch in the dark. 

He'd kissed her, uncertain, and she'd thought she'd finally lost her mind but she didn't care because he was there and she wasn't alone any more. His lips hadn't brought her to life-- he was dead and death after all-- but he'd brought her company. She drowned in his kisses, losing herself in his lips until she couldn't breathe-- because corpses didn't need to breathe, right?

A year after his lips touched hers Willow had died-- suicide by magic. Buffy had cried and cried while Spike held her-- and she hadn't shed a single tear since. 

She'd finally called Xander then, only the call had gone straight to a voicebox that had informed her in an indifferent, mechanic voice that his number was no longer in use. 

And then Buffy had known she had no one in the world but him. She'd thrown herself into the relationship with reckless abandon, not stopping to search for feelings, not caring if they were there. She had only one thing in the world and she did not want to know if it was real. Because it might not be.

Buffy had once been a bright, bubbly girl, full of light and joy. The years had worn her down, down so that by the time she left Sunnydale there was barely any light left. The girl Spike had found was worse than a shell, because at least a shell was complete, even if it was hollow. Buffy was a broken vessel, empty and cracked and useless. Barely there. Almost nothing left to give.

She let him consume her. 

Every bit that was left. She didn't want it, didn't need it anymore. Give herself to him? Why not? She'd held out on him all those years. She was just making up for lost time. It didn't matter if she couldn't give him anything without losing herself entirely-- she'd lost everything and now it was her turn to be lost.

She wasn't Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She didn't slay anything, not anymore. She saw shadows rustling in the darkness and she walked right past them. She watched demons with red eyes creep out of crypts and she looked the other way. She didn't ask her vampire lover where he got his blood-- if he wanted animal blood he knew where to get it and if he wanted human blood... Well, Buffy didn't think he was killing and she didn't care beyond that.

She wasn't Buffy the Girl either. Buffy the girl had cared about friends, and boyfriends, and family. But this Buffy didn't have those things. She had a Spike and he was all three-- and none. He was her only friend, her only family, her lover-- but she didn't love him. She couldn't love him: that was broken too. 

#btvs #buffy the vampire slayer #spuffy #spike and buffy #btvs fanfiction #I know it's not very good #I wrote this when I was 16 #but I'm never going to finish this so I decided to post it

[odetoscavengers]

Something that could have been

#femurs art #carolina parakeet #quagga #great auk #extinct animals #extinct species #this was for a school thing #this series was made for ME #also this isnt supposed to be realistic #so like. i know that thylacines wouldnt make very good hunting companions but that wasnt the point of the piece #thylacine

[autumn-may]

Mostly spoiler free summary of my viewing experience

#The boy and the heron #how do you live #studio ghibli #ghibli #in all honesty that movie was legitimately so fantastic and im like changed as a person #Story wise as well! It hits really hard if you know a bit about miyazaki and his legacy. Its a very personal movie i think #And you can feel it in every aspect #The eng dub voice actors were really good as well and the animation was beautiful as always #Also really loved the tone!!! The story really relied a bit on the use of negative space in both sound and pacing and i enjoyed that alot #in conclusion go read a article about miyazaki and his son and then go watch the movie it’s probably going to be one of my favorites #image id in alt

[inkskinned]

you're in the habit of denying yourself things.

if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.

but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?

what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.

and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.

you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.

so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.

it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.

sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.

oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.

#warm up #this isn't good #writeblr #this is complicated by the fact i can't stand up too long or i fuckken pass out and <3 hit my damn head <3 #but i did take a deep breath and buy myself the stupid rice cooker #and!!! a very cheap sushi kit!!! i have been wanting to try making sushi for literally YEARS #the kit was only like 15 dollars!!!! and i haven't purchased it bc?!!??!?!?!?!!? #..... i didn't get the mixer tho that felt. like a lot. like too much. #on my list is a kitchenaid. one day when i get a check and i have paid off my student debt #and medical debt #i will put that first little bit of cash #into a kitchenaid 5qt stand mixer (with attachments) #i really do just go into their refurbished section and stare lustily at each option #but yeah i feel guilty about the rice cooker even tho i know for a fact this damn thing is gonna be a lifesaver #oh shit also fuck i forgot to mention . poached eggs

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

#good omens #´hello friends!! how are you!! #I hope you're doing well! ( ´ ▽ ` ) #I have a big cough but otherwise I am good! It's nothign bad I am just very slimey #usually I am not a cough person I am not sure where this is coming from #most of the time I just get a stuffy nose #has my nose gotten stronger #but there are good news too I have already found a VERY good chestnut to put into my pocket this autumn!! its very small! (❁´▽`❁) #it's been a very warm autumn in Germany so far so it has not really felt like fall yet #but yesterday it was all rainy and stormy and I had two new books and it was the best day possible to have a slimey cough (: #and now I feel SO much autumn I am close to buying a set of window colors #I do not know what I would to with the window colors I just have this strong urge in me to buy a window color set #the last time I did a window color was at the birtday of a class mate I think she turned 9 and I made a deer #but for some reason we did this craft 5 minutes before we all had to leave so we had to carry our window color deer home wet #unfortunatly for the deer and me I fell down the stairs of her house and smeared the deer all over me and i screamed the entire drive home #which wasn't very long but it probably felt very long for the mother who had a screaming child covered in window color deer inside her car

[clown-owo]

been replaying the Portal series I think this is where its heading

#i haven't drawn in like. half a month. which listen i know i don't post much here but i do draw a lot #i have another blog. but also sometimes i just don't post things. i draw for myself #just got burnt out from working on an animation final 😔 #so anyway. eased myself back in with a silly comic about portal #my irl saw my shitty sketch and thought glados was painting chell which is very funny to me. #chelldos #but like. unrequited. glados is obsessed with chell. chell is not having a good time #portal #chell #GlaDOS #GlaD0S #my art #og post #1k #5k #10k #20k #edit: i made this post almost a year ago and it haunts me. theres a typo. chell is out of character. #because i couldn't come up with a good reason for her to be there in the first place #and this was a shitty ms paint replicating drawing that i did just to get back into drawing #i didn't think it would gain much attention #i was Wrong #anyway someone in the comments said this is what happens when you speedrun thats an infintely better setup for the punchline #EDIT 2: ok i fixed it fuck you

[catmask]

sometimes while i think about that while a lot of adults did not treat me very well as a kid i also get a lot of 'in hindsight this person was so good to me and i didnt even realize it until now' as an adult. today i was thinking about how the first anime convention i ever went to was when i was 10 and i asked the man working the manga cafe what manga was/what a good place to start was (because the con was very overstimulating for me and i had gotten lost) and he asked how old i was before recommending yotsuba and asking if i wanted any water or something to eat. its really simple but theres a lot of bad things that couldve happened or he could've been careless in his recommendation, but instead yotsuba has remained one of my favorite manga for years, and probably a large portion of why i continue to read manga as an adult... i think adults who try to involve kids in the world safely/kindly even in little ways make so much more of a difference than they ever really know.

#and i know that sounds silly like YES. it was just a bookr ecommendation #but i feel like a lot of people either dont really care about whats a good starting point for younger kids in their shared fan spaces #or dont really take the care to recognize different peoples ages would effect what they would both enjoy or #be capable of engaging with #not to mention theres a lot of manga that would NOT have been appropriate for a 10 year old to read #so the fact that he askedd and even asked what sort of thing i liked at the time #was very sweet. i think about him a lot and i hope hes doing well #txt #scratchpost

[chloesimaginationthings]

FNAF movie Mike meets Jeremy Fitzgerald

#myart #chloesimagination #comic #jeremy fitzgerald #michael afton #mike schmidt #fnaf #fnaf 2 #fnaf fanart #five nights at freddy's #FINALLY more of Jeremy!! #sorry it’s taken so long for more of this boy but he returns 🩵 #Mike doing a self burn here too #HE knows very well he doesn’t have friends so how Michael got one #(​Mike has one friend too and that’s Jeremiah) #Least Mike made Jeremy laugh- #Jeremy just got here and his homie already being out on blast #I love the idea of Jeremy and Michael actually being friends #like Michael is awful anti social monster and he’s buddies with the most chipper guy ever #it’s good bit I think it’ll be fun to explore that more! #I gotta draw Jeremy more after this #there’s sm to draw with him 💜💜 #I hope yall like him and his design!!

[egophiliac]

IT WAS ERIC AFTER ALL!!!! I'm so glad we got to meet him (before Vil snaps him away with those Infinity Gauntlets) (can't wait to see what happens when we get the matching Infinity Tiara to go with them, there will be no survivors)

(sorry to be so slow/rough lately, just got a lot of stuff on the ol' brain at the moment! alas, if only I could spend all my time drawing incredibly stupid characters I mean I do but)

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #tapis rouge #i know these are not my best but by god i needed to draw ~daddo venue~ #he is a treat! can't wait for him to yell at us for screwing up a shoot or whatever the last-minute disaster will be #i am SO HAPPY it turned out to be about movies after all! ...i mean sort of anyway #i'll take what i can get (and i do enjoy twst trying to be all cute about snow whAHEM i mean beautiful queen) (i see you there twst) #(also to be fair it actually wasn't poisoned in historial-revisionism-twstland so i think we can trust this apple. a+ acting eric) #anyway we are still. very solidly in the 'stand around and talk about the wallpaper for three hours' part of the event. #but HEY we got to meet eric! i was not really expecting it to be him so i am VERY pleased #also god help me i did think the shopping montage as portrayed by a rhythmic where they literally SKIP down the street was hilarious #there's a lot of Choices that were made in this event and that was a good one

[verk0my]

falling

you can get a print here: inprnt!   

#if you look very closely you'll see crowley's silhouette #I wanted to make it subtle #but I don't know if it's visible at all #crowley #good omens #good omens 2 #neil gaiman #good omens fanart #falling star #fallen angel #fanart #my art #verkomy #verkomy 2023 #procreate #prints

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

i vote that next year instead of reading Dracula we do a Jeeves & Wooster Book Club. those two never got the rabid tumblr shipping fandom they deserved (disqualified for the sheer technicality of being published a century too soon). we must correct this injustice

#jeeves and wooster #i want to watch tumblr go rabid i want to watch ao3 overflow with jeeves/wooster fanfiction #yes obviously the fandom EXISTS but it's a cozy little neighborhood #a handful of talented artists and writers doing their best to keep their charming little village going #but i'm tired of cozy i want this fandom TRENDING #I WANT TO SEE THIS ON MY DASHBOARD PEOPLE #i swear to you if they made a shiny new tv series tumblr would absolutely obsess over these characters. good omens levels of obsession #it's just such a great dynamic! the good-natured overly-trusting bumbling idiot in constant need of rescuing! #the stoic all-knowing genius who quietly masterminds mayhem in order to protect this one moron he's devoted himself to for some reason #jeeves as a morosexual is just such a beautiful interpretation of the original text #wooster as a happy-go-lucky himbo who stumbles his way into a relationship with a protective caring and supremely competent mastermind #the angst and social complexities of a same-sex cross-class relationship in turn-of-the century london! #oh AND half the stories are about jeeves helping wooster get out of engagements/desperately avoid marriage #two men who live together constantly scheming to maintain their bachelorhood. this is quite literally the main plot point #the gay subtext is there! the gay subtext is there and very ripe for picking!!! #this thing is LOCKED AND LOADED we can pounce literally any time

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

#It’s just so different #even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol #in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps #if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it #esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends #no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr #u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS #meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life #this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation #like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !! #& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers #who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them #and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends #it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me #I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc #like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this #so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works #p

[regicidal-defenestration]

A bus is basically the classic thing to wait in the rain for

#it is Cold #also every time I listen to the Cure I remember the bit in Lisa Frankenstein where she's like they help you emotionally #like they are a very good band but I don't think From The Edge of the Deep Green Sea is imbuing me with anything but melancholy #welcome to night vale #Well tangentially but like You Know

[snapscube]

Many people say stuff about you. Like how you are sensative, annoying, an idiot, or just straight up bad person. How do you feel about that?

#i’m so sorry this is the funniest ask i’ve gotten in a very long time #and i don’t mean to make fun but i genuinely have no way of parsing if this is written in good faith or not #i’m just elated #and i don’t know how to respond otherwise

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

#selfie bee #good evening friends!! how are you doing! C: #I'm very very sleepy I got a new ikea office chair and I build it all myself #I think it went okay! I don't think I pulled the back screw tight enough and now the back is a bit loose #I can probably fix it but I can also ignore it for the next 18 years #thats how long the old chair held up!! in germany it could now drink vodka and drive a car!! #not at the same time that is illegal! not at the same time!! (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ* #but the day is not over yet my uncle asked me for a big art quest and I do not want to disappoint #he wants a muppet tattoo and asked me to draw it #my uncle has started to get tattoos a few months ago #as far as I know he has now gotten 3 note clefs 3 stars a flower and multiple birds #he also started getting piercings but so far I managed not to know exactly where #I think tattoos are super cool (´｡･v･｡｀) I wish I had a good idea for a tattoo but the last time I was very sure about getting a tattoo #it was heath ledgers face as the joker #at that point I was 12 and would not see the actual movie for two more years #a muppet tattoo is a way better idea!! he asked for the count van count! that is also one of my top 3 muppets ₍՞◌′ᵕ‵ू◌₎♡ #I always thought I knew a lot about muppet lore but since I started looking up muppet pictures I think there are still a lot of secrets #can the muppets from the Sesame Street actually leave the Sesame Street? #I think Kermit is both on the Muppet Show and on Sesame Street but he is also like the boss muppet #he might have special abilities #I hope you're having a good day friends!! C: #I think I'll post a Sherlock comic later this week #miss you!! ♥♥♥