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popculturebuffet · 3 years

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Ducktales Della Arc Reviews: The Great Dime Chase!

Welcome back all you happy people, to my look at the series first arc! I covered the pilot last week and this week i’m going full speed ahead with two more review for this arc, one more for the Lena arc all leading up to BOTH finsihing up next week for DUCK WEEK, my huge celebration of the final episode of Ducktales 2017. So with all that in mind when we last left off the kids moved in, webby gained friends, Donald and Scrooge made the first steps to patching up.. and Dewey found out his mom was also invovled with their adventures setting this arc off.

This is also where the airing order reshuffling started as this episode was pushed up by two replacing impossible summit as the third episode... and where said order reshuffling for both this arc and the Lena arc really bit Disney in the ass by giving fans the wrong idea about the series pacing. See the original idea was to have a few episodes as a buffer, since this arc itself is only about 5 episodes long, so the pacing would be more spread out and fans while likely getting impatient for the della mystery to be resolved, would expect it to take about that long after a while. The same was clearly planned for the Lena arc.

The problem is Disney didn’t give one shit about proper airing order, story pacing or any of that at the time despite their most popular show at said time having the same pacing structure and having been aired in the right order. So as a result and as most of you already know, season 1′s structure was a mess: The globetrotting adventure episodes were off ballance with ones set in Duckburg itself, Scrooge sometimes felt like a supporitng character in the first half due to his two focus episodes being crunched to the back for holidays... it was bad. And it was worst here as by having both the Della and Lena arcs progress pretty quickly in the first 6.. it was thus jarring and grating that there was zero progress for either in the rest of the first half, and they had to move the spear of selene up a few episodes when they came back just to make up for it.. which still messed with pacing as that arc wouldn’t be picked up until the final three episodes solving nothing. This made fans blame the creators for sloppy pacing and for taking too long to get to the Della thing when they’d done nothing wrong and HAD staggered it out. It wasn’t till Frank later revealed the order was a bit bungled we got the message and until a few months into the series being on Disney Plus we got a proper order for the series. And again, the arc has pacing issues we’ll get to without this.. but they were made so much work by Disney blatantly disrespecting and ingoring their creative team.

I will give credit where it’s due though: Disney learned from it. While Season 2 had a few episodes shuffled around, this time it was due to trying out that binge airing strategy they were doing to get shows on Disney Plus faster, airing DuckBombs (Woo-Ooo!) frequently, so they wanted the airing to flow properly with that without screwing up the flow fo the season more than they absolutely had to. They were being careful and delberate this time not to make the same mistake and with season 3, they simply havent’ shuffled the airing order at all> The only two episodes aired out of order were holiday episodes purposefully made to air at the right time and detached from the season as a whole. This stretches to other shows too: Amphibia is two seasons in and Owl House got through it’s whole season with at worst minimal changes to the airing lineup and the arcs all being properly spaced and aired as intended. I give Disney a lot of shit, rightfully so, but I will give them all the credit when they learn from their mistakes and they REALLY did here, learning to trust their creators to know when to actually make an episode and simply having them set aside holiday episodes if they want one.

Otherwise not a lot of lead in for this one: It introduces a bunch of the supporting cast, reintroduces the board in full, and in general is a pretty good episode. Find out why under the cut.

We open with the introduction of the shows go to Show Within a Show Ottoman Empire. And what I’d forgotten was Louie wasn’t always into it but there’s a subtle arc to it: he gets into it, slowly obesses over it, by the end of the season he’s got his brothers into it, it’s not a huge thing but it’s a little detail I can’t help but enjoy a hell of a lot. But him not liking it is part of a larger problem Scrooge has picked up on: Louie’s laziness has reached godlike new levels: he’s opened about 7 cans of PEP! and only taken a sip from each, won’t change the channel because the remote, which is right next to him and would only take him hopping slightly to the left to get to it or incnching over a bit is “too far”. Scrooge finally blows up at the sight when Louie tosses his phone away for not being charged and assumes he can get another one because “We’re rich”. Scrooge corrects him “I”m rich!” and then drags him off by the hoodie with him to the office so he’ll learn the value of a hard day’s work. And really.. the scene is a good showcase for Scrooge: Louie is acting like the embodiment of all deadbeats and Scrooge is still VERY patient with the boy until it’s very clear he needs a wakeup call. Given Scrooge has a temper on the best of occasions it really shows he’s trying with the boys, and only really snapped when it was clear Louie NEEDED someone to snap at him and snap him out of his bullshit.

Meanwhile Dewey sneaks into Webby’s room to read her secret file on the McDuck family only to LITERALLY be caught red handed as she put glitter on her outside.. because it looks pretty. And as a security measure. Given she lives with a trained spy who likely has riffled through her stuff at least once, or would at least solely try to check her files just to make sure their secure, and lives in a place that gets broken into or nearly blown up, both by Glomgold, on a regular basis, i’d expect no less. But she also points out the obvious once he explains he’s looking for information on his family: He could’ve just asked. As we saw back in Woo-ooo! like yours truly webby will gladly go on about things she’s obsessed about at the drop of a hat and has likely been dying for someone to share her vast conspiracy board with. As for why he didn’t do the obvious, keep in mind he doesn’t know Webby well this point, so he dosen’t know what questions he asked might set her off and also doesn’t know WHY his uncles don’t talk about her, so he’s being cautious and it’s a nice foreshadowing for his secret keeping throughout the arc.. and how it’s an inherently dumb and selfish idea that only slows down his investigation.

So naturally given the sequel hook at the end of the pilot, he asks about Della. And after drawing the curtains and making sure Scrooge isn’t around to listen Webby asks what HE knows. Naturally given this is a whole story arc he only knows what she looks like from an old photo of her dunking donald’s head in his birthday cake, and Webby.. knows even less. No one talks about Della and the last time anyone did, a mailmain brought some junk mail with her name on it, Scrooge bought out the post office and they never saw that mail man again. Webby naturally thinks Scrooge murdered him... and while I don’t think he went THAT far, I pity that poor shcmoe and whatever ice floe he’s been banished to. And not a small villiage in the arctic mind you like an actual ice floe scrooge left him on with a lifetimes suply of beans.

This also admittedly answers a question i’ve been griping about for some time that turns out had a logical answer: I thought he’d somehow wiped her out from public record and the internet and then magically put her back. I was wrong and simply hadn’t rewatched this episode and connected the dots. He likely didn’t do.. any of that, but the triplets likely never thought to internet search her with Donald because as far as they knew Donald was an average person, and thus their mom would be too and looking her up wouldn’t tell her anything about them. It still leaves the plot hole of how they knew about Scrooge and not the Della search, I have no answer for that one, but hey sometimes these things happen and it’s a good enough show I can ignore it. Point is they had no reason to research her before then and Donald likely went out of his way to hide anything about her when they visited places. Likewise Scrooge was likely so miserable and consumed with his search, and once that was called off his failure, he likely pulled every archive and artifact for his own personal collection to pour over them in sadness and loss and simply put most of it back into the public once the boys helped him heal by the end of the season and the truth was out there. Likewise while the internet info was likely there after this episode too Dewey, as foolish as he can be, likely wasn’t stupid enough to look up his mom’s name on his uncle’s wifi. While Scrooge likely isn’t tech savy, given how paranoid he is and how much of a sore spot this is, it’s not a stretch to have him ask gyro to monitor his wifi for certain key words. So yeah i’ll admit when I was wrong and there was a logical explanation, if still with some holes, all along.

Anyways Webby has one place she hasnt’ been able to get into that might have the answers: Scrooge’s Personal Archives. And as it turns out, both parties are heading to the bin: Scrooge since, much like the comics, that’s where his office is, and Webby and Dewey for the same reason The bin being Scrooge’s buisness center, where his office is where he has meetings where a lot of his emoployees are is very accurate to the comics, as while the layout was never entirely consient apart from “Scrooge’s office is the only way in and out of the bin itself” and said office having a very consistent and iconic look that the series didn’t change. But as we’ll see they added two extra parts to it that in the comics scrooge would Balk at the expense of but this scrooge, whiel still probably not happy about the extra money, knows are vitally necessary.

Speaking of which the plot splits in two pretty cleanly once we actually get to the bin: Scrooge has no real issue with the kids going to the archives and no glimmer of their real intention, so the plots don't’ meet up again outside of when Louie’s literally crashes into Dewey and Webby’s for a second. There’s some thematic connections, cutaways and an intercut montage, but nothing outside of that. So as is tradition for me i’m covering them seperatly and since it’s both the reason why i’m covering this episode and our B-Plot, let’s start with the archives Webby and Dewey in The Mad Archivist of Scrooge McDuck!

Webby and Dewey head to the archive where we meet Quackfaster. In the comics she’s scrooges long suffering secretary, emphasis on suffering. He barely pays her, takes expenses out of her paycheck and she generally seems once minute away from a nervous breakdown at any given time. What i’m saying is the character and the “gag” have not aged well in any way shape or form so instead here she was revamped. Frank and Matt leaned on Scrooge’s love for adventure more than his greed at first, and had his thrill-seeking be his vice more. It does make sense as greed isn’t nearly as good as it was to people in the 40′s and especially the 80′s, but they eventually clearly realized they made it a bit too subtle, as it’s still an iconic part of the character and played it up a bit more in seasons 2 and 3, to the point two of his worst moments in backstory, both revealed in season 3, come from his greed. They found a nice ballance and I do think having his adventuring also be a vice was a nice change of pace. As such, they came up with the idea that he’d hire people who like him are exceptionally talented but also a bit reckless and unhinged. The kind of people most employers would unfairly shut the door on but Scrooge sees their true talent and worth and treats them with the respect they deserve. People who in most other works would be super villains, but here are kept from that by being given honest jobs for their talents and a boss who has no intention of ripping them off or undermining them. IT’s a great concept and I wish we’d saw more than two people hired with that in mind, but the two we got are great.

So with all this Quackfaster was reinvented with this idea in mind to someone entirely different but infinitely more entertaining: She’s now a ham of the highest order, not literally, and slightly unballanced. She also refuses to help Dewey until he completes some challenges for her, sorting out a code in the dewey decimel system

And in sorting the books to get to know the archives. Webby is all for it naturally as this is a dream for her: she’s likely tried to access the place for years and couldn’t as a non-relative, something Scrooge hopefully relaxes in the future, so a giant pile of books about adventuring, Scrooge (including an apparently 7 volumes on his favorite smells one of which Webby gives a happy “I knew it” upon finding out it was fresh baked cookies), and places he’s been, including a sly nod to Plain Awful. This is a hallmark of the show making smaller nods to the past incarnations without going into them or doing those adventures again and while I was at first disappointed those tales already happened in some form, I now get they simply wanted to tell NEW ONES, and were a big as fan of the olds ones as most of you reading this and myself. Though between you and me I was never a big fan of the square eggs story. Good idea just a weird and not all that funny execution.

Dewey however has the patience of a coked up ferret who also took some shrooms and being Dewey tries simply demanding she tell him. Naturally yelling at the weird hammy lady intrusted to guard the private library of someone whose a certified badass.. is not a smart or correct move and Quackfaster decides if they can’t respect the archives they’ll become PART OF THE ARCHIVES and pulls out a crescent shaped sword to apparently murder them.

So a chase ensues with the two trying to simply throw books at her, escape her and only narrowly doing so for a minute when Louie pops up being chased by a giant robot made by a smaller robot using a giant change machine. I love this show.

Eventually their backed into a corner while Dewey defiantly demands info on his mom. And his impatience and anger is understandable: this is the first time in his ten or so year old life he’s had ANY chance of learning anything on her.. and he’s having to do various fetch quests. While he could use some tact, may not get him stabbed so much, his viewpoint is understandable.

Thankfully it turns out Quackfaster was just doing a Mr.Miaygi and secretly testing them, having chased them to the book Dewey wanted, and said code she had them find earlier is the login for the vault. Granted it also has them put away some books (”How much of this is us just doing your job for you?” “About fiffttty perceeennnt”), but she works for scrooge. While he thankfully pays her a living wage here he still can’t be paying her much. Still they find their way to a secret vault and Dewey gets stabbed a bit to verify he is a mcduck.. and let into Scrooge’s secret room, full of treasures Della likely gathered. As I said, he DID put them aside somewhere, and likely just wanted them to cry over and donald didn’t fight it since the last thing he wanted was the boys learning their legacy. D

The telling part here though, despite accusations later.. is that Dewey’s first instinct upon finding this is to tell his brothers. Keep in mind Dewey’s all consuming need for attention and validiation, all of which he could possibly get and only have to share with Webby. He has every selfish reason for not telling them.. but he wants to. He knows they deserve to learn to. The only wrinkle is webby finding a note saying “Scrooge i’m taking the spear of selene, i’m sorry”. He decides to hide it for their sake right then and there. But while part of this as we’ll get into later in the week is him simply being afraid of what he’ll find personally.. it’s fair to NOT want to tell them. To try and protect them from the horrible truth whatever it may be. He has no way of knowing the betryal was nonexistant here and neither did we. It’s not the right course of action, awful truth or no they deserved to know too and both would say as much later, she’s their mom: good person or bad they know.. but like his uncles he’s not hiding this out of malice but because the truth might genuinely hurt them.. and as we’ll learn.. it will.. oh boy will it ever. But more on that next week and more on the arc itself later this week. What about the rest of the episode?

Louie in The Great Dime Chase! and Scrooge in The Boardroom Full of Heartless Assholes!

Winding back a few hours, Scrooge drags Louie up to his office, where the boy is genuinely impressed.. before naturally trying to take a swim in the money while Scrooge tries to tell him about his number one dime. Scrooge stops him before head injury occurs explaining that yes, even the money thing requires proper training: Louie would’ve just cracked his skull open and this would’ve either gotten really dark really fast or turned into a horrifying and hilarious child death version of weekend at bernies. It’s what Louie would’ve wanted. Scrooge can do it because he’s built up the muscle and resistance over time, strong enough and skilled enough to travel through the solid metal and dive into it. It’s a nice nod to life and times: While Scrooge didn’t necesarily train to swim in money, he bathed in it at first and when he needed to during an adventure discovered he could swim through it going from one barrel of his cash to another. So tweaking that slightly to an earned skill, and one Louie will have leanred by the end of the season, was a billiant move..and a way of silencing all those head injury jokes.

But their soon interrupted by the board, who Scrooge dosen’t recall having a meeting with and likely pull this kind of shit all the time when they can get Scrooge. It makes even more sense after the Della reveal, as he likely has to be forced into dealing with the men who, while as far as he knew were trying to help him, still pulled him away from Della.. and in one case, had a shit eating grin about it. Seriously Bradford you smirked evilly about your nemesis not being able to rescue his daughter how do you NOT get that your the bad guy?

The meeting ends up being boring with Louie asleep and Scrooge almost there, as let’s face it most board meetings probably are, until Gyro barges in! It’s our first apperance of 2017 Gyro and a lot of people were upset by how much more of an ass he was. Me, while I like the kind and gentle original, like the more mad sciency version here and feel Jim Rash did a good job with it, and I only really hate it when he’s around Fenton, and the show eventually addressed how fucked up that was in Season 3 after downplaying it in Season 2 by having them barely interact and have Gyro genuienly show some pride. Otherwise I like my insane prideful version even if I get why some don’t like it as it is nothing like the comics, but as we see with Donald not being a lot like the comics version isn’t a bad thing.

IT’s one hell of a character establishing moment, as he barges in, is rude to everyone and has to read cue cards to properly intro his latest invention Little Bulb, Gyro’s most iconic invention whose made here to help people not do work. The Board is skeptical though as most of Gyro’s inventions have turned evil, a nice nod to the fact that most of Gyro’s robots in the original series, who are in fact on a list of previous inventions.. turned evil and tried to kill people. IT also shows his warmer side as he insists they aren’t evil just misunderstood, or at least half were anyway, and tries to cover for Little Bulb shaking his fist at them and doing a throat slitting gesture... which while Bradford plays dumb about what that means.. he’s worked in organized Villainy for at least 55 years. He knows what that gesture means. It’s Heron’s favorite. And even if he didn’t he’s also worked with Scrooge for around 30. It’s also Scrooge’s favorite. So it’s rejected though Scrooge encourages Gyro who vows they’ll understand one day and they’ll all pay. Really should save that for outside.

Scrooge vouches for the board to Louie who questions such a slam dunk, pointing out he trusts their judgment.. mostly because he dosen’t know they’ve been embezzling from him to fund an evil spy orginzation the whole time but still, he usually trusts them. He would’ve found a way to fire them if he didn’t on the Della thing. But sometimes they overstep and they undermine that statment by suggesting cuts to the Bin’s budget, starting with Magical defenses “Do you know how many curses I have on my head?”. And props to the creators as they apparnetly had the whole Bombie idea in mind this far back, and as Bradford later shows towards the end of next season when he lures Louie into cutting it, he KNOWS where that money goes. He just was trying to feign ignorance to get Scrooge killed if he could. Clever bastard.

So Louie goes to get a drink, and naturally scrooge’s drink machine in his office not only charges but requires an extra ten cents. Louie assumes the dime in his office is an emergency Dime only to walk in on Scrooge giving the full story. As you all likely know, it’s his number one dime, with the origin taken straight from life and times: He was a poor shoe shine, and he worked hard to clean off a ditchdigger’s muddy boots, working himself to the bone.. only to get an American dime which inspired him both to work harder and smarter than anyone and to go to America to seek his fourtune. There’s some extra steps in the original material, and another bit that the show would also adapt later that we’ll get to next week, but point is it’s his symbol of all his hard work.. that Louie just sent into the vending machine. So said great chase insures as Louie follows the dime, as it’s emptied from the vending machine.. by a gull janitor we only see this season. And he’s a really likeable guy I wish we’d learned more. He then faces his and Charles Xavier’s greatest enemy THE STAIRS. There’s a runner about Louie having to constnatly run up and down the massive amount of stairs the bin has as someone else takes the elevator and by the climax it’s been taken out entirely. It’s pretty great. So Louie’s seemingly screwed and instead looks up how to pick a lock on YouTube.. no really. That’s what he does. Frank outright mentioned this in an interview, pointing out they wanted the kids to act like a kid would.. and props to him that’s what a kid would do. Hell that’s what I would do if I were locked out of a place and time was of the essence. Either that or look up a step by step instruction on google. He then runs into Gyro though, and gets the idea to use LIttle Bulb, convinces Gyro he has money and would like to invest and just needs to borrow the little guy and Gyro is happy to agree to it.

Naturally though, Louie’s laziness and a volatile machine who only likes one people just like his daddy, do not mix and Louie leaves sorting the coins to it while he watches Ottoman Empire, actually getting really sucked into it. IN fairness he did start with the Glomgold episode. Little Bulb meanwhile shows just how awesome he is by turning himself into a giant coni sorting mech by rewiring and reconfiguring the coin sorter.. and naturally given who made hi going mad with power. So while he did get the dime out.. he’s not horrifyingly obessed with chasing it and the real great dime chase begins.

Back at the meeting Scrooge continues to debate the Buzzards who now want to cut staff, both of whom Scrooge rightfully defends. While Gyro is a bit unhinged, his inventions have likely made the company millions and saved them billions, and while Quackfaster is the same as we just saw, there’s a method to her madness and her laziness. And given Quackfaster works two additional jobs to afford a nice retirement, it’s clear that while he pays them decently he’s likely still not paying them gobs. With the power of hindsight i’ts very clear Bradford just wants to try if he can to eliminate two sources of chaos and backup for Scrooge and when Scrooge sarcastically suggests just getting rid of the bin, Bradford goes with it with a shit eating grin, but it’s very clear by that and Scrooge’s frustration this is a non starter, and Bradford’s likely doing it just because he frankly knows it’ll piss Scrooge off.

So Louie runs for it working harder than he has in his whole life, with Gyro eventually trying to talk little bulb down, to no avail.. though we do get a nice moment of it registering him as father. Awwww. So the chase naturally eventually leads to the bin and Louie stuck in it, slowly swimming across, until Gyro gets to LIl Bulb, and realizes he’s in the wrong time of wattage and has literally gone mad with power and puts him back in his tiny old body fixing the problem. Gyro also crashed in with the bulb mech earlier, and while it disproves Scrooge’s point he’s stable.. he simply rolls with it and points out his staff is dangerously insane, and would likely swear vengeance on the Board if they were fired. And while he dosen’t say this part of it directly given Scrooge treats BOTH Quackfaster and Gyro exceptionally well, he knows they’ll know EXACTLY whose idea it was.. probably even tell them. So the board agrees to keep things as is to not die horribly as supervillains or not they have limits.

So the day is one, Louie finds the dime, replaces it and passes out with Scrooge none the wiser. it also turns out the Dime isn’t even the real deal, to Louie’s frustration. But Scrooge is proud he clearly worked hard, and gives him the fake dime as his own number one dime, a nice setup for their bond and a nice showing that Louie really has the potential to be as rich as his uncle one day, and it’s clear by this setup there was a lot of potential here for an arc.. which is why we got one. More on that some other time. Louie accidently spends it while Gyro ends realizing if he put himself int he robot it wouldn’t go mad with power.. and thus Project Blatherskite is born. And we all know where this is going.

Final Thoughts: All in all a decent episode. It has great pacing, some excellent world building, and some really good gags. While the series would do better episodes as it went, for an early episode helping set things up including Louie’s charcter arc, Gyro, Gizmoduck and the board as proper characters, it’s still very good and one of the series early standouts.

Next Time on Della: Donald is forced to confront his adventuring past when he runs into his old sorta friend THE INCREDIBLE STORKULES, Scrooge is forced into games of the gods by their resident Douchebag Zeus, and Dewey is forced to confront his own fear of whatever it is his mom did. Confront this review later this week.

Next Time on This Blog: It’s Lena’s Dark Night of the Soul as she and Webby head into “The Other Bin of Scrooge McDuck!”

If you liked this review share it, feel free to commission your own and feel free to join my patreon at patreon.com/popculturebuffet. Even a buck a month helps, and helps me reach my stretch goals, the current one being just 5 dollars away, and netting you reviews of the super Ducktales arc of Ducktales and a Darkwing Duck Review every month. See you at the next rainbow.

#ducktales #the great dime chase #louie duck #gyro gearloose #emily quackfaster #scrooge mcduck #dewey duck #webby vanderquack #bradford buzzard #F.o.w.l.#reviews #animation #disney channel #launchpad mcquack #little bulb

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princess-of-the-corner · 3 years

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Ladybug and Shadow Noire AU: Copycat.

Okay so I think this is probably when Mari finds out about Rose's powers and who her grandfather was.

So, yeah since Mari's parents know she's Ladybug she can't dodge the statue ceremony to get Adrien's phone (does he hear the message? Who knows!).

So Ladybug is there but distracted. And Shadow Noire is very very nervous but happy because she feels like this is definitly somethign more solid to prove she's not evil. But she's still on edge.

Ladybug kinda ingores Théo and bolts as soon as she can. Rose does some damage control but somehow screwed it up and upset Théo further.

When Copycat shows up and is doing his thievery and such, Ladybug is of course sus and thinks it's a fake.

But she first finds the real Shadow Noire up on a rooftop having a panic attack becausr she's scared that this guy is screwing it up for her and she's trying so hard to be a good person and to be a Hero and all that and she doesn't want this to fuck it up and she's real hurt how all of Paris so easily believed she went to crime. And in the process confesses that her grandfather was a supervillain.

Ladybug calms her down by telling her that she believes her. Shadow Noire is a good person and who her family was doesn't matter.

That said, she totally does go feral on Copycat for making Shadow Noire have that panic attack.

Afterward Ladybug reaffirms that Shadow Noire is good, but asks if the whole "related to a supervillain" thing was why she declined so vehemently when the older Heroes offered to train her.

SN: "Yeah. I mean. I probably would've been wary of any Hero other than you but... Those two were the ones who fought and arrested my grandfather so it's extra freaky and I knew they'd find out if I talked to them more and I don't know how they'd react???"

Ladybug connects the dots obviously to the whole Specter situation. She still doesn't know SN's Civilian identity because that's secret for now but Ladybug is even more doubling down on her being a good person.

#super dc au

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alatismeni-theitsa · 4 years

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Thanks for bringing the racebending to my attention. I never considered that it was harmful towards the origin culture. I considered that it was kind of strong to claim that sort of race thing in a way, but maybe that comes from the more.. christianity? view of where there isnt a direct way that God looks, except any way the person perceives. That's probably what I thought, too, until just now reading your answer to someone else. So.. it's not okay? 1/?

I honestly want to understand as my perspective on this now changes. It makes total sense why it would be entitled of someone to do such a thing, and how it's inconsiderate of the actual origin culture that the deities come from now that I'm thinking about it in this way. So again thank you for bringing this up and answering that other anon. I have some things to revise in my head on this, as I honor Apollo and Hermes, I want to make sure that I get accurate and do my research.

I really enjoy being able to read your experiences and I think it's important as, someone outside the culture, gets to experience and understand more to be as accurate and non... whats the word... inappropriate with representing such a thing, I guess I can say. If that makes sense.__________________________________________________________

Thank you for sending a message and for listening to the opinion of Greek people. (I am not the only one with that opinion, many of my 500 followers also share the same ideas.) Anyways prepare yourself for a looooooong analysis! So, get under comfy blankets and take your tea/coffee next to you!

To begin with, there are Greeks that don’t mind but those are usually Greeks who have close contact with the American way of thinking through social media. Or some that don’t care because the approach our mythology in a kinda superficial way? I am not saying this to offend any Greeks who don’t mind the racebending. Every Greek has the right to have a relationship with their culture according to their own standards. Those people who think racebending is ok are usually no less patriots than the ones who do. However, those who don’t mind the race bending are extremely rare to find.

If I go to my 50 y/o aunt and announce to her that foreigners depict Demeter as Black she is gonna lose her mind. I have also asked the opinion of Greeks who are not into social media or groups where Greek mythology is discussed by foreigners. When they were informed of the racebending the first thing they said was “but... why??” and they couldn’t fathom how this could help anyone. The second thing they say is “But the Gods are white!” explaining that our ancestor have depicted them as Caucasian for centuries and we, as Greeks, know no other depiction of them.

I assure you, it has nothing to do with white superiority - which is a myth anyways. Greeks can be perfectly racist to people who are pastry white :P If you racebended the gods into any other race, we would still have a problem. It’s all a matter of respecting iconography and tradition. It would be ignorant of even us Greeks to change the depiction of the gods when our ancestors were very clear in their art about their race. It was also clear in antiquity that the gods had bodies. I am in another computer and I cannot access my files, but I had a file for a philosopher who tried to argue against the public opinion that the gods didn’t have bodies. But the majority of ancient Greeks believed that the gods had a physical presence.

Also, race matters for Greeks as it does for most of other cultures. You expect Nigerian deities to look like the average Nigerian, yes? Because they were created by a homogenous Black population. You think the same for Indian and Chinese deities, yes? It makes sense for deities and public figures from a certain culture to look like the people of that culture. I think it’s common sense. Turning an old Nigerian deity into a Chinese, would’t represent the Nigerian people any more. For similar reasons, we don’t want our important heritage figures changed. (In case a warrior was described as Black African in our ancient texts, then of course we wouldn’t have a problem with keeping that figure Black).

You are correct when saying that the race bending comes from a Christian point of view. I think many hellenic polytheists/pagans/wiccans haven't managed to escape the Christian logic. In Christianity we have accepted for many centuries that saints and important figures would be viewed with different races, so people can come closer to them. For example, there is a Chinese, Native American, Mexican (different tribes), Black Jesus etc. Most of the times they are also dressed in the traditional regalia of the respective culture. It's a thing for the last 200 years at least.

Even Greeks depicted Jesus kinda white (he has an olive skin complexionand brown hair, which is closer to the Greek standards). And this happened since the Byzantine Empire. We even call the Virgin Mary "Mother of all Greeks" (apparently Mary has a particular interest in our nation xD) We have made her into a Greek mum. But we kinda have the freedom to do this because Christianity is an international religion which is alive for the last 2.000 years, so these changes come organically.

On the contrary, almost nobody has worshipped the Greek gods since 500 AC. The religion was been dead for almost 2.000 years, until Western classicists made it a popular. Now people who have no actual contact with the Greek culture start worshiping those gods. Don’t get me wrong, I believe any foreigner can worship the Greek gods! The thing is that most of the foreign worshippers don’t see the Greek gods as part of the culture that created them, because of the Americanization of the gods in the media and the complete stripping of the Greek elements from them.

But gods are still part of the Greeks’ heritage. Many ancient traditions and myths have kept from the ancient years, we have the names of gods and the gods are still used as symbols here. Our culture hasn’t died, as many westerners (perhaps subconciously) believe. It is alive and evolving, despite foreigners usually ignoring us. So, the ideas about our ancient religion have been involving with us, becoming part of our national identity in a unique way.

After 2.000 years of the religion’s “death”, foreigners become enamored with Greece again. But not our Greece. They become enamored with a part of our culture that hasn’t existed in millenia. They study the culture only till the Roman years and then they skip 2.000 years of evolving cultural identity and go straight to the 21st century western (west Europe/America) ideals and societies.

You can only imagine how it seems to us Greeks, when foreigners suddenly remember us again and, on top of that, they don’t become part of our culture but they insist that a part of our culture (in its ancient form) becomes tailored to their own standards. And now foreigners ingore our own point of view, because, as they have done the last 2.000 years, they keep on ignoring us :P (I mean they as a people, greatly generalizing here). Please see that post for how disconnected a Greek feels about the modern Greek religion, and the analysis that comes with it. (Link)

Similarly, imagine if suddenly the Nigerian culture became a trend in Greece and now some Greeks become interesting in the old (almost dead to Nigeria) worship of Orishas. And now they want to depict the Orishas as White, because they, themselves are white and maybe white deities reflect better the racial situation in Greece. Wouldn’t that be disrespectful, though? Not only because the Black becomes White, but because we would take an inactive worship from the Nigerians and add our own politics to it.

Our situation is also kind of special because for the last centuries every country that has become interested in our culture has abused it. They have stolen antiquities from us and northwestern Europe but also in the US have no problem having those stolen artifacts and displaying them. There is a tradition of foreigners claiming to “love” Greece but they are really in love with our ancient aesthetic and they don’t give a shit about the Greeks who preserve the culture and even die to protect their antiquities.

So we are used to this kind of treatment and it hurts extra when it’s happening again. But we are also desensitized. For some reason a person can be dressed as a Greek deity for Halloween and we won’t bat an eye. At the same time, I see people from other cultures defending the importance of their figures, when foreigners dress up as them for fun.

I don’t understand how we consider this disrespectful for any other culture but if it’s the Greek we don’t care. Why could this be? Perhaps because many Greeks have come to see their own culture as public property. Perhaps because it is what the prominent international media tells us and maybe because we are used to selling our culture for profit (we are a tourist country) and we only see it as merchandise.

Let me add I am not only fascinated by my own cultures but also cultures around the world. It makes no sense to me that people want Gods of color and their only solution is to make the Greek gods Black. Have we forgotten the numerous rich cultures of Asia and Africa?? There are a ton of deities there who, if you want to draw Afrocentric art for example, will be great inspiration! It reminds me of a publishing house which put POC in the covers of western classic books (thus kinda turning the white main characters into POC only in the cover) while not promoting books from POC or books featuring POC. I think it’s counterproductive.

I think that’s all I have to say for now! Feel free to ask more questions if I haven’t covered you! And if you have more thoughts you can drop them in my ask box.

Also, one question for you before you leave. You mentioned “I considered that it was kind of strong to claim that sort of race thing in a way”. Can you explain to me why? I would like to understand better people who think this way. Then maybe I could explain more effectively to them that their race bending practice isn’t as helpful as they think it is.

P.S. Even saying “races” of people exist is considered deeply racist in Greece (and Europe). I mention that as potential food of thought. For us there are only hues of skin colors, not races, so our social politics are different.

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taichoushadow · 6 years

Text

Bts reacts to you having a breakdown (Maknae line)

I didn’t know I was going to struggle with this one, so I hope it did not turn out that bad :(

Plus that my sweet sweet neighbour (note my sarcasm) always wants to listen to his music, loud may I add at freaking 11 p.m. cause obviously that’s what everyone does. no one sleeps at that time…

is not helping with my concentration at all.

Also want to thank you all for your kind messages, it really helps us writers to continue to write for you ^^ 💙🌼

Jimin:

The light blue sky faded slowly, dark clouds painted the world in a lighter grey and it was just a matter of seconds when it began to drizzle, the world softening around you, the area around you peaceful and still, no human to be seen. Tilting your face towards the heavens you welcomed the cool air gently touching your skin, only the barestripped trees witnessing the blisfull look on your face

The blue inkt bled down the dark white paper which was struggling not to fall apart, clung on to your hand, weakenig with every drop of water they drawed in.

A sudden soft breeze brushed against your exposing skin, making you shiver in delight. The wind had arrived, immediately playing with everything she could touch, the branches swaying in her presence. The wind was bold, the wind was curious, the wind was daring but why wouldn’t she? She couldn’t been seen and it must be so lonely as no one ever admired her or spoke about her beauty. At times she felt so rejected and taken for granted, she went into rage, showing everyone how dangerous, tough and merciless she could be, letting them feel she wasn’t one to be looked over.

Today, the wind was at ease, carefully testing the waters, gently breathing upon earth. With eyes gazing at the trees you suddenly felt something moist fluttering against the back of your hand and that’s when you remembered why you were here in the firstplace, the sight of the wavering sheet taking you back to this very morning.

You were close to swinging all these books out of the window not giving a damn anymore if you passed the semester or not. You were about to burst, your head was pounding, eyes burning from exhaustion, lips cracked and bleeding, the metal taste a bitter reminder of the stress holding you captive. Tears threatened to roll down however you refused to shed a single tear not wanting to give them the satisfaction ‘cause to you it felt like they wanted to see the students struggle, wanted to see every single one of them panick and afterwards when the major of students ‘surprisingly’ passed the tests and essays after they checked and read it over 10 more times for any mistakes they maybe have missed, the paper will be dumped on your table, muttering a ‘well done’ before walking away.

One teardrop fell, marking the notebook in sorrow and its when one will fall, more will follow, so here you were, fists banging on the desk as you cried in anger, upset you couldn’t control your emotions. You screamed it out, wiping the desk clean with one swipe of your arm as you watched how it clattered down on the floor with heavy breathing, sweat dripping down your body as the room began to spin. Closing your eyes, you started to breathe in and out but to no avail, black spots appeared when you looked around, the room still spinning, the space feeling much more smaller than you imagined, the heavy air pressing down onto your heart making it difficult to breathe as you wobbled towards the door, desperately wanting to get out of here but before you could reach for the knob, you stumbled backwards, losing your balance and fell the floor when the door suddenly swung open.

A worried Jimin hurried to your side, fingers clasping around your arm, trying to tell you something when you saw his lips moving but it didn’t reach your ears as you just stared at him wide eyed, the only thing you heard was your soul calmly asking for you to just run and get out.

You listened.

Pushing Jimin away, you ran out of the room, out of the house ingoring the pained voice calling out to you.

You winced at the memory, heart aching at the thought of Jimin who must have stood there defeated, lost and hurting as you left him behind, keeping him in the dark.

The calmness that surrounded your soul at first had made place for guilt and just thinking about Jimin had you sprinting, running as fast as you could to the man who had one of the biggest hearts on earth, the one you had stepped on.

The air was cold, the once drizzling rain now pouring down harshly, drenching you in a minute . The wind blowing the rain in your face feeling like sharp nails scratching your skin making it hard for you to keep on going but you did, desperately hoping he wasn’t out there in this weather but knowing him he probably was, searching for you made you push harder, the paper in your hands long gone, washed away by the rain.

Once you arrived at town, you stopped running and hunched over, your hands leaning on your thighs to catch your breath but you stopped breathing when you heard your name slipping past his lips.

‘‘Jimin!’‘ you called out his name, standing back up while looking around, weirdly you were unable to detect those familiar features eventhough your kept hearing your name. With a frown on your face, you went a head, your mind probably playing tricks on you since the sound of the tires driving on a wet road drowned out most of the noises around you.

A sudden wave of water splashed over you, making you shriek in shock but really not caring aswell since you were already drenched to the bone just when you wanted to shake some of the water of your skin, warm fingers clasped around your wrist, and you were hoping that this time your mind wouldn’t be so cruel as your eyes met the soft features you longed to see.

‘‘You’re here’’ you frowned eventhough you were happy to see him. He shouldn’t be here, out in the cold, out in the rain.

‘‘Don’t shut me out. Please.’‘ Jimin murmered softly, fingers still gripping your wrist. He didn’t look at you, his face lowered, his other arm unmoving at his side.

“Jimin..” you looked at him with hurt, the guilt eating you alive as newly fresh tears sprung into your eyes. Your fingers curled around his, slowly prying them off, his eyes widening when he felt your arms slipping away.

trembling hands carefully settled on his warm cheeks, keeping him from moving making sure he was looking in your eyes and when his orbs locked with yours, you leaned in, halting your movements when your lips brushed his and whispered: “I love you”

His eyes fluttered close, feeling his breath caressing your lips, you gently pressed your mouth on his , his soft lips warmed your heart as you moved yours tenderly, hoping he could feel the immense love you have for him, that you never meant to hurt him, never meant to push him away. Stepping back, you broke the kiss and giggled when he whined while taking a step forward, his arms hanging loosely over your shoulders, hands clasped together behind your back as he too grinned.

‘‘You’re amazing.’‘ you mumbled more to yourself than him, drying his features with your sleeve and pushed his hair buck that stuck on his skin, suddenly noticing the absence of the rain and looked up, ray of sunlights broke through the clouds, forcing them to drive apart and comforted earth as he hold her in his warm embrace.

‘‘It stopped a while ago.’‘ Jimin chuckled, hand pressing against your shoulderblades, silently telling you to come closer and kissed your temple when you did.

‘‘We should go home, put on dry clothes after we take a shower before we can talk about what happened this afternoon.’‘ he sighed, his heart still clenching at the thought.

You nodded while linking your arms around his and apologized sincerely as you dragged him into a tiny shop at the corner of the street to buy a towel, wanting to warm him up as you dapped his face and ruffled the fabric over his hair eventhough it wouldn’t help much since his clothes were still damp, for now it was enough, and dashed out of the place after paying, taking Jimin with you, hand now interlocked as he stumbled his way after you, confused as to why you were running.

‘‘I need you to get out of those clothes sweety!’‘ you said with a serious look on your face, not wanting him to get sick. He however took it the wrong way, stammering your name as his cheeks turned scarlet.

‘’Well… now I think about it. It’s great way to relief stress though.’‘ You laughed loudly when Jimin suddenly came running past, telling you to hurry up.

Taehyung:

The ticking of the clock on the nightstand had Taehyung going crazy, the sound getting louder and louder with every second going by. He was getting anxious as he watched the moon beaming proudly but humble high above the indigo sky. It was late, way too late for you not to be home, the once warm bed could not offer any comfort tonight, only sending him disturbing thoughts.

The babyblue comforter you had insisted to buy it for the bed was wrapped around his body however it only made him feel suffocated and struggled to get out of it, throwing it on the floor with anger.

He stood up every time he heard a door being opened and shut but sat down defeatedly once he came to know it were just the neighbours. He let himself fall backwards on the matress, his eyes observing the shape the lamp illuminated on the ceiling, desperately trying to get his thoughts on something less alarming, the worst scenarios going through his head.

What if you lay somewhere in a ditch, gripping your leg while screaming in pain but no one heard you? What if you were just walking home glad the weekend had begun but got yanked into an dark alley as a man would press a gun against your temple, threatening if you would dare to resist he wouldn’t be afraid to use it?

‘‘Stop it, geez!’‘ Taehyung scolded himself, slapping his cheeks multiple times as if that would help him to set his mind to something else. Of course it wouldn’t, you were always on his mind, how could he not think the worst when you had told him you would be home at 9 and still no any sign of you at 3 a.m. not even a text.

You couldn’t blame him, eventhough you found the night refreshing doesn’t mean there won’t be any creeps luring from the sides, waiting for someone like you to pounce on.

Taehyung shot up from the bed, marged his way out of the room, yanked his coat of the hanger, slipped on his shoes and was out of the door, heavy steps echo’ing through the gallery as he jogged down the stairs, the lift to slow.

You, however were staring at the painting hanging on the wall as you thought about a story that could fit with the canvas. Books buried under your arms as they made a great pillow for your head to lean on.

You were tired but relieved, the crying you had done earlier felt somehow comforting, you could weep how loud you wanted, the libraby abandoned by everyone at night except you, giving you the chance to break down in peace without someone judging you or asking if something was wrong. You scoffed at the thought, obviously something was wrong is someone crumbles openly, they won’t do it for fun and the last thing that person needs is judgemental eyes looking their way even the ones who at first looked at you with concern will end up just like the rest, silently scoffing when you tell them school has you just ‘a bit’ stressed and right there, it’s sad when you have to express your feelings in a much lesser way than how you’re actually feeling, knowing most people won’t understand your tears and will end up calling you weak, someone who overreacts or just a drama queen which is not the case.

Why can’t people cry over such things? Why is it only socially acceptable to only cry if something ‘sad’ happens. Sadness is a feeling that hits you suddenly, out of nowhere, no matter where you are or what you are doing. Sad is just the main word, wrapped in all different kinds of sad. So what if you shed tears over a project or a grade, if that is important to you than you are allowed to. Even the word allowed in this case just sounds so stupid. Who allows you to cry? Is there someone or something that tells you when you are allowed to let it out? No there is not… The-

Laughing, you stopped yourself from thinking realizing you were rambling to yourself silently and just when you were about to focus on the drawing again, a creacking sound reached your ears and when light fell on the picture revealing someone was here, someone had opened the door you heart picked up it’s pace, pounding faster and louder, eyes not wavering at all, to scared to move, to scared to look.

But as a familair sweet voice called out your name, you snapped your head towards the sound and what you saw had you standing next to the desk in a flash, walking towards the figure standing in the doorway.

‘‘Tae! What are you doing here?’‘ you were surprised, pleasantly so but it was still odd for him to be here really.

‘‘Wha- What I am doing here?’‘ he began but stopped, fingers rubbing his temple in circling motions before he continued, his voice getting higher with every syllable he got out.

‘‘Yeah, didn’t I tell you I would be home at 9?’‘ you frowned, finding his behavior a little off and it was now that you noticed his heavy breathing as if he had been running non stop.

‘‘Is something wrong sweety?’‘ you stepped closer, stroking his back to calm him down.

Taehyung was quiet, his dark orbs gazing into yours as he curled an arm around your waist, his warm hand settling on your lower back and softly pulled you closer until you were pressed against his chest while caressing your right cheek with the back of his hand.

‘‘Taehy-’‘ He shook his head, pulling you away form his chest as his finger fell on top of your lips, shutting you up immediately. The urge to lick your lips was definitely there but refrained from doing so, eyes still locked on his.

‘‘You’re okay. Here with me, unharmed.’’ he softly stated. ‘’Never do this again you hear me!’’ you jumped from his sudden loud voice as it boomed throughout the large chamber. ‘’Gosh the worst scenarios went through my head, I was losing my mind!’’ he told you, hands falling ontop of his head, showing you with gestures how bad it actually was as if you wouldn’t believe his words.

‘‘Taehyung, I told you I would be home at 9? Why are you being like this?’‘ Well now you were losing your mind, wheels spinning trying to understand what this was all about.

‘‘Yes, yes you did.’‘ Taehyung confirmed your words, making you more lost as why he was acting so worried.

‘‘So….?’‘ you questioned him while shrugging not seeing what the problem than really was, honestly.

Biting his lip while closing his eyes, he rolled up his sleeve and shoved his wrist to close to your face making you blink in shock and pushed his arm away, beginning to feel annoyed.

Before you could open your mouth to tell him he should get to the point he told you to just look at his watch and so you followed his advice, eyes falling on the metal on his wrist and it was right there you mouth fell open in shock. Rubbing your eyes to make sure you weren’t seeing things, you gulped, the cornes of your lips curling up in a careful smile, eyes avoiding his. “ I - I.. you know… Are you sure? I mean.. Oh fuck this. I am sorry Taehyung.’‘ you stammered trying to come up with an explanation but you knew there wasn’t one just that you had forgotten about the time and thus apologized although he deserved more than a simple ‘ I’m sorry.’

‘‘It’s just that school…’‘

‘‘Next time, just make sure you set an alarm on your phone so you can’t forget about the time and can text me when you want to study more or just need my company. I don’t want my baby feeling stressed.’‘ he interrupted, grabbing your hand, pulling you out of the libraby to take you home as he shot you his bright smile knowing you needed your rest and could talk about this later on.

Jungkook:

‘‘y/n.. honey please open the door.’‘ Jungkook pleaded you on the other side of the door but you didn’t budge, the warm water continued to fall on your small form, hidden away in the shower, trying to make you as small as possible. Arms pressed your knees together against your chest as you openly cried with the back of your head against the tiles,thinking the sound of the water would drown out your sobs.

Jungkook found it strange when you walked straight to the bathroom, locked the door without uttering a word when you came home but didn’t try to think to much of it as it had happened before especially when you had bad cramps, you’ve told him once. The warm water would soothe the pain and after that you would be your normal self again however his gaze lingered on the door a feeling that crawled upon his heart that this time it was much more than a bad cramp but decided to wait for now, not wanting to overthink everything and turned his gaze back to the screen infront of him.

The way home was torturing, the normal 10 minute trip felt like an hour as you kept yourself together while tears were threatening to come out. Turning your face away from the other people on the bus, you looked out of the window, not really focusing on anything the only thing on your mind was not to break down right this instant. Another bad grade, another failed test was not what you needed right now, was not what you needed in this class when you studied so hard for it, so when you finally arrived at your busstop, you stormed out, flew up the stairs, threw the door open and headed straight to the bathroom.

Sighing, you closed your eyes while leaning against the wooden material as tears burned behind your eyes, begging you to let loose and in the confines of your own home, you did. Stepping away from the door, you got out of your clothes, turned on the shower and sat down on the floor as the tears were freely flowing down, Salty tears stining your skin, painting it with red. It’s one of the reasons why you went in the shower, not having to explain why your eyes and why your skin were looking so bloated and red. You just took a hot shower and no one would question.

The walls however weren’t going to help you in your plan, the sound of your cries traveled through the walls, to reach their destination: Jungkook.

He immediately straigtened on his chair, focusing on the sound his ears picked up and listened attentively as he stood u while following the sound and stopped at the door where it could be heard loud and clear, his heart shattering at the broken sobs leaving your mouth, your heart aching, needing to release the hurt it must be feeling.

“Is it okay for me to come in?” you heard him ask, his voice soft and dripping with pain caused a new set of tears to roll down, feeling awful you were hurting him like this. He should not have to feel like that, he should not have to put up with your crying ass but could not help to feel the warmth surrounding your soul at the thought of him holding you close, his familiar scent and protective arms scaring away the demons, you needed him right now and it was okay to need him, it wasn’t wrong.

Getting back on your feet, you headed to the door, took a deep breath and turned the lock ready to bare yourself to him and watched how the door opened, slighty, revealing Jungkook inch by inch aswell as you would reveal yourself bit by bit and before you could react, his scent engulfed you, his body pressing against yours as his arms circled around your waist, hands holding the back of your head, holding you close as he shushed when he felt your shaking body, felt the vibrations on his chest as you cried it out once again because you were finally in his arms, feeling so stupid for hiding, knowing you would feel safe in his presence, his calm aura wrapping around you like a shield, protecting you from the monsters who tried to get in.

A familiar tune, familiar words reached your ears, his lips brushing your shoulder as he sang your favourite song, the melody and his angelic voice grabbed your attention and silenced your sobs, form still, unmoving

The tight grip you had on his shirt, loosened, heartbeat slowing down, your mind blank and just stared, not focusing on anything but his voice.

Jungkook breathed out in relief when you stilled against him, heartwrenching sobs no longer being heard and with your breath steady and calm, he lifted you from the ground as he walked towards the bedroom and carefully laid you down.

‘‘I’ll be right back.’‘ he whispered while covering your body with the comforter and ran back to the bathroom, to turn of the still running shower and snatched the towel from the rack on his way back.

Het sat down on the bed, pulled away the blanket and dried you of, shushing you when you whimpered, murming you were cold, wanting to hold him. ‘’I am almost done baby.’’ he whispered as he tossed the cloth away and laid down next to you, his arm swinging over your waist, hands settling on your abdomen and pulled you in, the thick sheet falling over your forms and continued to sing you to sleep, rubbing soothing circles on your skin.

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threenorth · 3 years

Text

TW; 3 weeks. Featuring months before.

Everything and Anything extremely triggering.

This is because i saw your video and it crushed me so if you wanted to see my year a bit more before this wrecking ball smashed..

28 days.

Sooooooooo hell on earth raganrock...

January I moved cities by February I started my new job in March i started getting my life sorted gym and all the things i couldn't like new glasses and new shoes and orophedics for my very flat feet. I remembered my old goals..

Go to university.

Get a good tech job.

Move to San Francisco.

Marry the girl.

I got the first two then it hit me my San Francisco was to be closer to you... Then marry you every goal i made was centred around you...

I started thinking how best to retalk to you but i thought id explore this later in the second half of April closer to May for that day we had in May years ago...

But it was the start of April it's a new month and it's Monday things were going good overall but the jenga game began... i hit new goals at the gym i can lift more than zero i was hitting 5's on my arms and 10s on my legs oh yeah small steps... so i decided to go out for a drink that week...

Friday April 9th i thought id make a song about the time I was loosing myself for the first time and repick up song writing again it's been a couple of years since I've put pen to page. That night I had been bullied in a bar, I herd you speak to me in a way you never had and i freaked out.

You told me to run.. Run fraz-run...

It it scared the living shit out of me but i knew i had to run and i disosated almost hit by a car but that didn't matter to me just to run from my past.

I got home alive but destroyed. I decided to research where you might be on social media and I looked on my instagram post to find your still tagged on that awful rock. I told you I don't think i was reday because i wanted to research more about how to be freinds with someone that you would do anything for...everything I read said i was still in love and i guess i was, it said i was in greif for the years prior and that probably was true. And ultimately I booked to see my doctor in the meantime.. I decided it was best i told you to Ingore me as I started feeling the truma of that night wasn't going away I felt the gun shot in my brain like the day i knew i had leave from you per say... I felt every laugh i herd brought me back to my childhood...

I asked my doctor for a mental referral my doctor said he would and gave me a pill to try help me sleep at night's with axeinty and depression all he can diagnose me with..i started drinking on the Fridays so one of those nights and some flashes of light in my eyes and everything came back to me. I should of called an abluance but i told myself i can do this.. I started feeling like I could die at any moment and you wouldn't know anything... Just that i told you to leave. In the meantime i got a cynical psychologist to help before my full assessment and he told me to write..so Write i did but i put it in the wrong places, i wanted you to know that i was thinking of you even when i said to Ingore me... I couldn't stop thinking about you... even the faintest laugh in the office sent me back to that bar where I was bullied and back to when i was a mere boy again everyday was hell and I couldn't do any thing about it so I thought this would hold me... one night on a fender bender i got a flashback from flickering lights and i told myself everything things seemed okay again I didn't feel the game of jenga had already begun before i noticed it started. I was told to wait and i was beginning to loose my hope... I wrote and and i wrote i fucking wrote to my fingers bled because that was the only relief he was trying to teach me mindfulness this was around the time second truma of seeing a lady being beaten up on the street and i could of been seconds earlier i might of helped more but i stood up to her whatever and told him to get the fuck lost i didn't care if i was beaten up because i don't like bully's i don't care who they are... I tried to shake off my truma but I was good but I remembered it because that's what i do... i had all my truma i bottled up and it started to unwind it's self... I tried to push though it again but this time after bottling 23/24 years of abuse and truma it couldn't fit... I went to the dentist and got two cavities to find the taste of blood in my mouth sending me through hell... But in my pain I felt your arm in my hand telling me everything will be okay and I remembered that awful trailer truma... I still hung on to keeping head strong but jenga doesn't wait for anyone and I was getting closer to worse.

As the days became weeks...the day got closer...i started loosing my mind... I ended up finding my emgercy folder on my computer about you in search of my old folder of you and my song lyrics of many years ago and my playlists i made you... I told myself I couldn't call this number now or never but I couldn't force myself to delete it either.

I told myself this was for emgercies... Little did I know what was coming next.

I remembered calling the emergency number i had for you because i wanted to hear your voice... Your voice it calms my seas and the tiktoks on repeat, the worse one was your poetry as it was the only bit of you that speaks to me in ways other things didn't. I don't remember much but... I made calls to people some you probably herd but the others you probably might hear that i tried to call a shelter and ask their pricing i was going to try to find out how to protect you even from me...

Around this time We had a delta lockdown, (I'm in Auck so level 3 atm) my weak 25mg pill couldn't save me from everything hanging on by that one last few blocks... i accepted my fate, i was felt i was due to die and i knew my time was running up...I had a breakdown on my way to get my injection while in the at risk group mental and physically yet i walked out of my house to get the injection and at the same time might as well risk my little bit of sanity i had to get my 25mg ap. I got my ap and poped one fast... About an hour later I then got my injection and felt nothing... Nothing at all No needle truma or no physical pain at all? I didn't feel a thing.... This scared the living shit out of me but i told myself it's the start of a new chapter... In the meantime I felt the burn... that i was on fire.. I've felt this before but it was gone in seconds this was constantly getting worse and i didn't know if i should go into the cold shower or what so i called an abluance. I called for an abluance they didn't want to come because i had mental health problems because of Asamtha with covid is pretty game over... I can only use 62 percent of my lungs anyway... They calmed me down and i went back to normality i thought but at work they told me to take it easy and i put my favourite album on ai and that tore me apart in ways I've never had it do it before... I poped my pills but it was to late i was about to topple. I started feeling good again but that's how the drug tricks you into normality... My polar opposite now i felt my death this was it I'm at peace i will die and that will be it, i ruined everything i made peace i was due to die my last words would be in my letters to you and how much i loved you.

I left because it was the only way i saw you becoming happy without me, i didn't see the signs you knew it but my demise never left I've been chronicaly depressed since 17... I wrote my last words out maybe one day yourd knock on the door to where i lived to find out i died. I called for an abluance on the second time they finally came out... August 28th...

I went to hospital, they had taken my blood i requested not to have a nerve block I wanted to see if I could feel anything i didn't feel it...I couldn't feel anything anymore I use to be super sensitive to pain now I'm thinking I'm the high pain torlance but I didn't have anything sharp to test my theory... And a promise to a girl never to self harm again. They wrote their notes was dismissed out from ed because i wasn't harm to myself or others with violence or self harm... Because i kept my promise never to self harm again since i kept my promise with you i never met a redline crisis in their opinion and were confused by my symptoms.

I started getting reday for my birthday trip to Auck which ultimately then became the time i might need to look how to store my stuff while I'm up here for medical..

I had to packup the little I could to come back to Auckland and now also sacrifice my apartment my work has been kind to me but i am spending 1700 on someone packing up my 3m x 4m box.

I want to send you money to help your endo but then all my savings had taken a hit too...

I sent $100 I sent the little i could risk to afford currently... I thought you knew it was me, the wallpaper of the stars of your blog... And the tfios... and then birthday wish from someone unknown to me made me confirm what i thought you knew... So i told you it was me... Then you typed out that message and it broke me... I wanted to come out to tell you that i was there to help but I forgot what you said before and that hit me and jenga collpase had happened....

I started my last letters... Many things were said but..

One is to that guy... I told him that if knew the girl i knew for 2 years while he had 6 years that i knew it didn't have to be a big ring, it could even be a pawn shop ring i told him to marry you.

all my words don't work... My brain is in fragments... And now all i do is the wrong thing...

it appears you do maybe read these.

I won't be writing here. I can't put more pressure on you, you already have enough to deal with but you want to know what kept me going it was the day I'd make you smile like i use to. But life doesn't go to plan... Or the one you might think...

All my plans led me to how I'd buy a log cabin and give you it and go back to my hole. Then i remembered that it was you and my log cabin i wanted all these years I've suffered without any help. Just to see you smile...

Everything i tried to do with all that i could was for you even if you didn't know it i know it, you only knew a bit of me... I never let anyone in not even you and the time i did i wanted you to know that i too am changing... But my plans for you...every single one to get back to my best even if it appears i never had that ever but everything was for the girl i loved...

Now we're going around the darkside of the moon.. I'm still waiting for a psych to drug me and help me to walk on my feet... Things are rocky here for the first time as i fight on because i know this soon will pass and we're getting closer to the day i will be me again... The punches keep coming but i can take them all... As i battle my first battles in your last battles when the light is dim... My secerts are everywhere if you notice my words... In my mental rambles on rk2 i talk breifly about grounding, and a totem but my shield protects me before it hits my core... I can do this all day.

I fight everyday because of my compass i hold close...

I am confused about many things..

but... I look in my mind where I see a girl, i see a log cabin in the woods coming home to her after being destroyed to rebuild myself again... In my log cabin cooking and watching art making art but I felt at ease that everything was going to be okay... This will be okay and am now closer to the day it would be okay .. But days became months and years... And the more i tried to remember her words to keep me to my goals... In my hard dark days of disoatision and psychosis my walls that look like her face... I wait to dream and drift off into my sleep i see the day i come home to my woodcabin and, she whispers to me...

She once told me,

everything will be okay.

He whispers,

Everything will be okay.

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