#i started a mental health blog. i feel reluctant to share it

[missmastectomy]

So I need some advice, and since you've detransitioned I feel like you definitely have the experiences I'm looking to hear about most, if you're up for answering this, I would be most appreciative.

To start, I am a gay, gender nonconforming (masculine) woman who is over the age of 21 (I know your opinion on transitioning for minors, which I agree with 100%) and has identified as trans male in the past but never medically transitioned.

I identified as male for about five years as a teenager and I was "out" socially but living and constantly comparing myself to cis men made my already low self esteem plummet. Like a lot of trans teenagers I have a host of mental health issues at play and was very depressed. Had two hospital stays for suicide attempts.

Thankfully I've mostly recovered from the lowest points of my clinical depression and gender dysphoria, but I find myself constantly asking whether I would enjoy my life more as a male. Its just this nagging question in the back of my head, that being regarded socially as male would alleviate my discomfort in a world that is often hostile in regards to women, especially masculine ones.

I work in a department full of males where I am in the only female and sometimes its very alienating. Sometimes I think of transitioning as a way to better fit in. However I would hate for anyone to know I'm trans, because that's still "different". I want to be cis male and it pains me that I can never be that.

My girlfriend recently brought up the whole subject of transitioning to me, and she means well. I think she wants what's best for me and was there the entire time I came out and then subsequently desisted. She has seen me struggle and thinks the best option for me might be transitioning, she says she'll love me no matter what I decide though.

But I decided to come to you and ask because I feel like you'll be more honest with me about the actual medical side effects than other trans people might be reluctant to share. Is this sustainable? At all? I want to be able to live in comfort. What made you decide to transition? Also, why did you decide to detransition? I don't mean to interrogate you I just think hearing about someone else's lived experience would be very helpful to me right now. Did you pass well after you medically transitioned? That is one of the biggest things I care about. I guess I would want to "stealth" as much as possible. Be as close to the male experience as possible. Is this a case of thinking the grass is greener on the other side?

Again, many thanks if you decide to answer this I know its a long and personal ask

So the first thing I want to say is that I do not recommend transition for anyone, in a similar way that I don't recommend using alcohol to deal with social anxiety issues or depression. I'll get into why later, but also transition is a personal choice, and since you're an adult I believe you have the right to make that choice. I consider transition to be a maladaptive coping mechanism.

Thanks for reaching out - my blog is always a resource for people who want to learn more from the detrans perspective, and I actively encourage y'all to get in touch if you have questions.

So, I'll try to cover as much ground as possible. I want to address medical issues first. Taking T comes with a LOT of medical sacrifices and no, most endos will not be honest with you about that. Testosterone is an anabolic steroid and is highly controlled, especially for non-trans identified females. Taking a male dosage of T as a female means a very high likelihood of vaginal and uterine atrophy, and there is a high likelihood it will happen to you if you're on a high enough dosage for long enough. Atrophy is no joke. It can cause cracking and bleeding in the vaginal canal, can make it uncomortable/painful to walk, etc. There is more research coming out that HRT is linked with cancer development, and transmen are at a high likelihood of developing cardiac diseases. I know one detrans woman who developed cysts all over her ovaries post-T. It's why many transmen get hysterectomies - because T literally degrades your reproductive system. Our bodies require a certain amount of estrogen to function properly, and removing that will cause issues. Is it worth sacrificing your long-term health to cope with dysphoria? I personally think for most people the answer is no. People don't understand how important health really is until it is taken away.

Aesthetically, your hairline will probably take on a male-pattern. So many transmen and detrans women have balding issues after a few years because again, our bodies are not built for this level of male hormones.

I passed fully as male because I already have a strong face and I started hormones very young, but passing as male is not guaranteed if you take T. Especially because more people are recognizing the "tells" for transmen, there's still a likelihood you'll get clocked. I personally transitioned because I felt unsafe being female and wanted to escape that, also internalized homophobia. I detransitioned because top surgery made me comfortable in my body short-term, because the trigger for my self-hatred was removed. I deeply regret this now. It was a permanent "solution" to a temporary problem.

You mention that you want to transition to be seen as a man, that it would be more comfortable. I know you said you can't be seen as male unconditionally, but I really want to hammer home that if you pass as a man, you will live life as a transman, not a man. It is so common for masculine women to transition to escape the stigma of being a woman, but let me tell you firsthand that transition will just give you more problems to deal with. Health problems, anxiety - am I passing? Do they know I'm trans? The doubt - am I doing this for the right reasons? And I hear doubt in this ask. If you are not 110% sure you cannot function without transition, do not do it. Even then, I was completely sure and I still detransitioned.

And if you do decide to detransition, you may want to be seen as a woman unconditionally again, which is hard. I am at that point now, but I had to gruel through years before I got there. I wish I had saved myself the trouble and someone had gotten me the help I needed, instead of affirming me.

That you had a lot of mental health issues is a huge red flag. Personally, I read this ask and this comes across as a woman struggling with her identity and coming to grips with being masculine. I see a lot of the traits that caused my transition. I'd step away from trans spaces and look at accounts from butch women who recovered from dysphoria, finding beauty in being masculine. It helps a lot to retrain your brain. It doesn't matter what people's misconceptions of you are. How much respect do you have for your coworkers? Are they neutral parties, or are they men with their own prejudices against women, coloring the way that treat and perceive you? Are the judgements of strangers worth altering yourself so much? My answer, personally, is always no. Being true to your real self will always get you farther than trying to escape the problems. Deal with the feelings that brought you here, and your mental health will be so much better for it.

I do not find transition to be sustainable. It IS a grass is greener on the other side situation. Your GF is trying to be supportive, but she doesn't understand the reality of a medical transition. People will often affirm this desire because they mistakenly believe it will deal with the surface-level issues, but it will not. At the end of the day, you are still there. The problems will persist, but they will just take another form.

Anyway, I hope this was helpful! Feel free to ask or DM me if you have more questions. Again, from reading your ask I do not think transition would be a good choice. But that is my opinion as a stranger. At the end of the day, only you can decide.

#detrans #detransition #trans #transition #mail

[project-revise]

Regarding the future of this blog

tl,dr; I don't feel like I'm in a place where I'm actually ready to share the stuff I'm working on yet, and the state of my mental health is making posting art and ideas online more anxiety-provoking than it's worth for me.

Also, AI art scraping(since Tumblr is getting in on that now...) and everything associated with it is a headache I don't want to deal with until I have observed the way it affects the online art world going forward.

I don't want to leave my old works online until I'm ready to decide whether I want to play the game going forward now that the rules have been fundamentally changed.

(This is why we can't have nice things.)

So, my mental health hasn't been in a great place since last year. It's been getting harder and harder to create art at all, and for a few months now I simply haven't created much of anything at all.

Just having this blog exist and knowing that I haven't been posting to it has been a source of stress for me.

The fact that Tumblr is now working on stuff related to AI art scraping isn't helping at all. Fun fact: AI related bullshit is why I didn't leave my deviantART gallery up when I left the platform! I came here to avoid that, and now that it's here too, I'm even less enthused about trying to do much on Tumblr.

It's not the only reason I'm reluctant to maintain much of an online presence right now, but it is one of many. I don't want my janky WIPs hanging over my head years from now for whatever reason, I don't want to keep having a stake in an online setting in which data scraping and personal privacy violations are gleefully the norm, I don't want my mental health to continue suffering... I want to step back and reevaluate how things have changed since I first started using the internet nearly 17 years ago and then decide what to do going forward.

I don't plan to stop creating altogether. I still want to write and illustrate a story when I'm feeling better. I'm just not in a place where I can handle posting my art or ideas online right now; even if I were, I'm coming more and more to the conclusion that whatever Revise and its characters could be in the future, it's not currently in a place where I'm comfortable sharing it.

And for the sake of clarity: my primary issue with AI art technology is the lack of artists' consent to having their images used in third-party data sets. It's how the tool is being used by some people that frustrates me; it's the same frustration of experiencing art theft turned up to a scale of 11 and right now it's hard to tell exactly how things will change going forward.

Right now, that extra stress is the straw that breaks the camel's back. It's gotten to the point where I'd frankly rather not share my art in public online spaces at all.

If sharing thoughts on my project while it's still a heavy work in progress means that it could get stolen or that the image of the end result will be negatively impacted, then I'd rather keep it private until I'm actually ready to share it in a more complete form.

Am I being needlessly paranoid? Probably.

But the fact remains that posting art online stresses me out and after giving it some thought, I've come to the conclusion that for me, it's just not worth it. Not right now.

Thank you to those of you who have actually expressed interest in my work; it means a lot. But for now, I need to step back. Maybe in another time in another place, I'll be able to share my works again - for now, it's goodbye.

[weebsinstash]

so recently it's becoming brought to light that it's possible that I may have undiagnosed bipolar which would definitely explain some of my mood swings but, I'm bummed out and I'm coping in my own weird way so

yandere Chobobros x bipolar/mood disorder Reader ideas! because this is my blog and why not

--mixing this whole idea with my previous ideas of Reader being from our world, you're really nervous when the medications you happened to have with you start dwindling down the longer you're stuck in Eos, and you eventually decide that you have to tell your new kindly companions what's heading their way since they're going through so much trouble as to let you travel with them

--Reader just trying to take Ignis or Gladio aside since they're the "older, more mature" ones of the group and just being maximum 🥺🥺🥺 Teary Baby Mode 🥺🥺🥺 as you explain that you're on certain medications that help your mental health and that, once they run out, your behavior might get a little more... unpredictable, and you're so so sorry, you can't help it, but you completely understand if they don't want to travel with you anymore and----

--they assure you that everything is fine, don't worry! They can help look into trying to find you new medicines while you're in Lucis, but in the meantime, you have all their love and support! You're still you!

--they say that, but once they start seeing you effectively go through withdrawal from your medications and become more emotional, they can't lie and say they don't feel a strong urge to constantly check in on you and make sure you're ok (stronger than before, at least). It seems like you get so easily upset sometimes, getting frustrated into a crying rage or the slightest problem sending you into a catastrophic depression. Protective as they are, they're reluctant to leave you fully alone once they see how "volatile" you can be. What if something made you upset and you needed comfort and none of them were there? What if you hurt yourself? They wouldn't be able to forgive themselves

--once you're back on mood stabilizers, they all chip in to help remind you to take them! Being the group mom, Ignis buys you one of those pill dividers that are sorted by day to help keep you reminded of when you've taken your meds or need to, though if you're forgetful and inconsistent taking them, he'll take it upon himself to hang on to your pills and administer them to you personally

--they are not exempt from making passive aggressive comments about if you've taken your medications or not, though. If they find you're being especially temperamental, you'll get something like Prompto hitting you with "geez, cool off! Did you forget your meds this morning or something?". You've blown up at them for the insensitivity more than once and they always seem to act like your outburst just reinforces their point

--you've gotten double or even triple-dosed from someone not believing you and slipping you your meds more than once. Gotta keep you nice and lovely and passive after all~. They'd rather have you doped up and sleepy than so riled up that they can't touch or talk to you without getting snapped at

--it almost seems like they treat you different after you share your condition with them. They treat you more... delicately, like you need to be watched, coddled, kept stress free. Even once you get medicine again, they always seem to have something that keeps them from leaving you alone for any given period of time. Someone always "forgets" their phone or something important back at camp with you and just "winds up" staying behind, or someone coincidentally has a stomach ache when you're feeling particularly distant and don't want to ride into town and want some time by yourself. You really don't get that much personal time anymore

--Gladio is always trying to rope you into fun activities with everyone and make sure you're staying social and active as to not get you more depressed. At the very least, he goads you into doing morning stretches with him. Healthy body, healthy mind!

--Prompto and Noctis know all about depression, although at times neither of them can express how they want to help you very well. They'll play phone games with you or invite you for a day out or just stay by your side so you don't feel lonely. Prom is always trying to make you laugh, while Noctis is a little more quiet but every bit as sincere in trying to make you feel loved and accepted

--You're discouraged from talking with a therapist or anything, though. After all, the gang us travelling kind of incognito given Noctis' status, and hey, don't we need to keep moving to try and find your way back home? Guess you'll have just the guys to form an unhealthy emotional codependency with be there to talk whenever you need it :)

#yandere x reader #yandere stuff #sinprompts #yandere final fantasy #idk what else to tag this shrug shrug

[letartisticvisionsarise]

Why Am I Here

A bit of a forewarning, I’ll be addressing topics including Mental Health, Abuse, Self Harm and more. It’s directed in way that people can see these stories and relate or have place to escape to and even know that they aren’t alone, nor that it is “wrong” to get help or seek help.

This is not a call for help, this is just my story and what it has turned me into.

I’ve always wanted to write my feelings out, but I thought that what I witnessed and experienced would be too much for others to know about. However, I quickly realized that there are probably others that thinking the same thing. Whatever you’ve experienced, been a victim of, survived, or is still surviving, is nothing to be ashamed of. If you are simply here today and is seeing this, then just that is an incredible achievement and you’re stronger than you know to be still standing.

Your tears, your frustration, your questions, your scars, are stories in their own words and there’s nothing wrong with that or you.

To be honest, I was already aware of Medium so a while, however, I didn’t think it would be any good of a platform. Mostly because of my terrible experience with Blog Sites. I tend to have bad luck with the whole process of making websites. And I was always interested in having a blog or some place where I could let my emotions be expressed freely.

It wasn’t until recently, when my one of my Best Friends suggested that we should try it out. To be honest, I was pretty reluctant, but with a little research, I’ve got the jist of how Medium is supposed to work and what you can do on the platform.

Currently, I do prefer it to other sites, like WordPress and Wix, mostly because it doesn’t force you to start any ‘Trails’. It’s there and when you’re ready or able to, you can start and support fellow writers. What a lot of other sites tend to do, is just force that price in your face, as if everyone is able to afford it. Many people, especially those during this Pandemic, have been struggling with bringing in income or there are simply those that don’t have the means to start.

For me, Medium will be a place that I will use to share my thoughts and experiences in life. If it brings in some income, that would make things better too. And Medium makes it pretty easy, so there’s no complaints.

I don’t know if you’d call it Blogging, ’cause to me it’s just a way to rant, whether it be for something negative or simply something that I’m passionate about.

Over the past few years, I’ve been writing a Book Series and in 2021, I’ll be staring something I’ve been working on for a year. There will be future posts giving hits about what I have planned or what it entails. It’s something I wanted to do once I noticed that there are a lot of negative families out there and many people that don’t have the motivation or tools, to do what they love. At least, where I’m from, many of us are ridiculed for wanting to begin a creative career. Such as something along the lines of; writing, poetry and even art or music.

I am very passionate about what I want to do in the future, or even now, and I am more than grateful for the people that do support my dreams. Unfortunately, many of the people close to me, don’t have that. I’ve come to notice that the families’ support plays a massive part in a child’s future, so when they aren’t given the support in what they want to pursue, something such as art, they tend to become unmotivated, depressed and even give up on their dreams to work in an industry that would only make them unhappy.

I hope my words will, at most, let someone know that they can pursue their dream career. It will take a lot of hard work and some motivation, but I say, once it makes you happy, just do it.

#blogging #new blog #new writing blog #selfcare blog #mental health blog #life blog #life blogging #motivation #home & lifestyle #writers #poets on tumblr

[creativity-is-rebellion]

Some Things are Not Dialectic

So much has happened to me since I last wrote on this blog. To sum it up in a nutshell: I changed therapists (something I have been meaning to do for a while now), I was hospitalised yet again for just a little over a week this time, voluntarily, for recurrent suicidal thoughts, where I was tentatively diagnosed (yet again) with BPD, and the new therapist I started seeing after coming out of the hospital diagnosed me with Asperger’s. I also started a DBT program, which I am now six weeks into. Previous therapists, if you have read any of my other posts, have diagnosed me with Bipolar I, but after only two sessions with the psychiatrist at the hospital, and in the wake of him talking, at length, with my husband about my history, I was informed that I probably have Bipolar II and BPD. My regular psychiatrist disagrees with this and stated that it is probably complex trauma (or C-PTSD) and Bipolar I. I am inclined to trust the diagnosis of the latter more, as I have been seeing her for two years now. And now I also have an Asperger’s diagnosis from my new psychologist. What a mess. After all these upheavals, I feel emotionally at sea.

I also decided to swap medications at the hospital (the Seroquel was not helping my insomnia and was making me gain a bit of weight) and finally gave Lithium, the supposed “gold standard” of Bipolar medication, a chance. And it made me terribly ill. I was so nauseous all the time that after 4 weeks of struggling along, I had to give it up. I even broke out in a rash, but no professionals, not even my GP, wanted to listen to my misgivings, so I just informed them all that I was coming off it. My psychiatrist respected my decision, but wants to put me on something else. I am reluctant, because I have tried all sorts of medication for extended periods of time, and there are always negative side-effects, or they don’t do what is intended. I was told in the hospital by the psychiatrist that Lithium would be ideal for someone like me who has ambitions, wants a career, and doesn’t want to sleep for 20 hours a day, so when I experienced intolerance, I felt so disappointed. I even spent some time blaming myself. I have found my overall experience with taking medications really draining and time-consuming. I feel as if I am trying, and even doing everything I should, but it’s just not paying off. One method that I have tried in the past on my hospital visit before this one was ECT, and I did find that somewhat effective, but the results were not long-lasting enough. And, after reading about the experiences of those who get regular sessions of ECT, I worry about the possible effects it would have on my long-term memory if I was to go down that route. If there were any negative side-effects within this vein, it would be incompatible with the way in which I want to live my life, including my career goals.

While I was in the hospital, I was referred to a centre that specialised in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). I have read about DBT previously, and wanted to try it out when I received a previous diagnosis of Borderline “tendencies” in Norway, however, as I lived in a small town, there were no DBT groups available nearby, and so my therapist gave me a booklet to read up on it on my own. I had also previously stumbled upon the therapist that founded DBT (Marsha Linehan) when I was studying my Bachelor of Psychology. She later admitted that she actually had been diagnosed with BPD herself, and so DBT was a hodge-podge of different therapies and western and eastern practices that had worked for her. I thought the refterral would take longer to process than it did, but it was processed more-or-less straight away after I came out of hospital. I attended the three commitment meetings and was successfully offered a place, and, after all that I had heard and read, was excited to begin. But six weeks in, I feel let down. 

Let me preface what I am about to say by stating that I think there is a lot of good methods to help tackle negative feelings that DBT offers, but a lot of the skills surrounding self-care are competencies I already possess (and so nothing new). There are also some aspects of DBT that are just not really relevant to me specifically, but that’s alright. If I look at it as more tools I can fill my emotional toolbox with, not everything is going to fit. I enjoy and aim for self-improvement, and this is what attracted me to DBT in the first place. On the other hand, I am an analytical person who enjoys testing concepts and seeing if there are any potential flaws in what I am learning, and the method of delivery of the current program I am in doesn’t seem to leave room or space for that. I am finding aspects of DBT condescending, basic, and invalidating. I don’t feel that my prior knowledge or skills are being acknowledged as strengths I am bringing to the table that I can build upon. It is almost as I, along with the rest of the group, am being treated as if I am clueless, and that the therapists and coaches involved in the DBT group sessions are the autocratic, absolute experts on everything we should be doing and what we are doing “wrong,” something that I feel is quite harsh given that most who suffer from BPD also have C-PTSD, or, conversely, that those with C-PTSD can often be misdiagnosed with BPD. After researching some more, I have found that I am not alone in these misgivings. 

I decided to share some of my criticisms just this morning with my individual coach. We met at a cafe near where I live, after I dropped the kids off at school. Towards the end of the session, she asked me directly if I ever felt she had invalidated me in our individual sessions. I decided to be honest and tell her that I had felt that. I have only just started acknowledging past trauma, some of which occurred years ago, to both myself and my therapists. It’s mostly because I feel that it is time to do so, because the thoughts and feelings were coming up more and more regularly, intrusively and involuntarily, to the point where I feel like I can’t ignore them anymore. Three weeks ago, I disclosed to my coach in an individual session about the trauma and sexual abuse I had experienced via school bullying. I told her that she had laughed briefly after I had told her about a boy who had pinched my bottom in front of the whole grade on a dare when I was was 13, and said I didn’t blame her, maybe she laughed out of surprise, but when I also told her that she had, in the same conversation, told me not to worry about “stupid school” (her exact words), she denied having said that to me at all, and got quite defensive. 

She even said that perhaps I had just “experienced it that way,” and just refused to acknowledge that she had said that at all. I felt so gaslighted,so triggered (my mother tried to gaslight me all the time) and am now unsure whether I will continue with DBT. I left really shaken up, which was tough as I had had a really rough week and had actually woken up in a good mood, and had to then work really hard to turn my thoughts back around again. Upon reflection, I think the coaches are badly trained and unprofessional. This might be what is making the delivery sub-par. Maybe it’s just yet another case of “you get what you pay for.” Now, the question is, do I continue, and just try to focus on implementing the skills, instead of worrying about my obvious personality clash with the therapists and coaches involved? Sigh.

Now, to address the Asperger’s diagnosis: I actually feel it is a good fit. She got in an expert who took me through the diagnostic criteria before giving me the diagnosis, and, for the first time in a long time, I felt validated. I have been doing a lot of reading since receiving my diagnosis, and have found a number of interesting facts about females with Asperger’s, such as they are more likely to be overlooked for diagnosis compared to that of boys, as they do not present with the same symptoms, and are often misdiagnosed with (interestingly) Bipolar, BPD, or even OCD, because it was (until recently) considered a diagnosis exclusively reserved for boys. They are overlooked because they tend to be great social mimics (as females generally are more socialised than men), which masks the symptoms and difficulties females with ASD face. I believe that one of the reasons for my life-long fascination with human behaviour (to the point that I decided to study it), is due to my desire to fit in, when I have always felt different. I have, as my husband has also observed, a number of special interests that I enjoy talking about at length in social settings, and often fail to pick up on the social cues of boredom in the individuals I am talking to. But, that’s alright. It is part of the diagnosis. I am working on it. I might not ever get there, but that is alright too. In my research on the subject, I found a delightful blog from Tania Marshall, as well as her book, entitled “I am Aspien Woman,” which discusses the unique struggles of females with Asperger’s. The blurb to the book states: “Have you ever wondered about a friend, a partner, a mother, sister or daughter? Wondered why she says she feels 'different'? Out of step with her peers, she may struggle keeping friends and a job, yet she has multiple degrees. Bright from early on, she may have singleminded focus, sprinkles of anxiety, sensory and social issues, be gifted in art, writing, science, research or singing. Maybe she is a woman on the Autism spectrum, with a unique constellation of super-abilities, strengths and challenges?” I relate to all of this. I was a precocious reader with an eidetic memory from an early age. I have multiple degrees, and am creative, but struggle in social situations. It’s who I am, and I accept it. When I told my GP, who also closely follows my mental health progress, that my current psychologist has diagnosed me with Asperger’s, she dismissively stated that “everybody is different - we are all on the spectrum” - to which I have to say - what a load of crap. There is different, and there is different. I have always been a person that marches to the beat of her own drum, sometimes to my detriment. But it’s just how I am.

So, what if I don’t have BPD, or Bipolar, but rather “just” Asperger’s? I am high-functioning, so I can understand that it took a long time to identify it, but, on the other hand, it feels as if going through all of the struggles I have been through could have been prevented if only I had had a therapist that was skilled enough to really listen to me, to pick up the signs, and to validate me. I am hoping I have that now with my current psychologist, and am looking forward to working together with her toward a brighter future where I can accept myself and also work on my issues in a safe space.

After years of not sharing my thoughts or being as assertive as I want to be, I have found that recently I have been coming out of my shell in this respect, and those around me aren’t liking it. Apart from the example above, on the day I was leaving the hospital, there were a series of delays concerning my release, that, when they all added up, frustrated me so much, I had to say something. I sometimes think that those in the so-called “caring” professions abuse their power. Whether it’s bad training, an authoritative personality, or other traits that are, in my opinion, not suited to these professions that are the cause, it is a dilemma which is vital to address. Of course, #notalltherapists. But, in my long-standing experience with mental health services, and as a psychology graduate myself, it is enough to cause concern. Too often, patients are discounted because of what’s wrong with them, dismissed because the health professional believes themselves to know better, or put into the “too hard” basket for so-called “difficult” behaviour. But what needs to be acknowledged is that the person that is standing in front of them is there because they are seeking help, and should be looked at as an individual, and not necessarily by the box the therapist wants to fit them into. More duty of care, more empathy, and more acknowledgement, is needed.

#mental health #mental disorder #mental illness #Mental illness recovery #mental health mindfulness #mindfulness #bpd #bpd things #therapy #dbt #dbt therapy #aspergers #biipolar #misdiagnosis #mental health blog #self care #gaslighting #trauma #cptsd #cptsdhealing #creativityisrebellion

[alterniea]

Addressing Jett/Morgan/Vii/Momo

Addressing Jett/Morgan/Vii/Momo, known on tumblr as jettsettrolls, ppeacherine, maid-butterfingers, 7trolls, and many other deleted urls.   

In this day and age, I am extremely reluctant to make any sort of “callout” post. I do not believe in supporting the culture of tearing someone to shreds for something relatively minor that happened years ago. I would LOVE to have this disappear into the ether and never think of it again. In fact, I have been wishing for that for practically a decade. However, I have been pushed to my wit’s end repeatedly and have quietly faced having my reputation stained for YEARS.

This is not a callout post. This is a post to lay out my resources and testimonials from other people, to shed light on Jett as a person, and to perhaps set the record straight on some of her claims. I have not publicly retaliated before this. This is likely irrelevant information to all of my followers, but for me it’s important to organize. This post will mostly exist as a reference. I will add more if I have to. 

IN SUMMARY: Jett (real name Morgan) is a person who I have known for 10 years. She consistently publicly claims that I am an abusive predator and dangerous to be around, particularly around minors. This has repeatedly caused me to self-isolate or face the consequences of a damaged reputation. She does this without providing evidence other than her word. On the flip side, I have saved messages from people about how Jett treated them poorly and inflicted much of the same pain that she claims I caused her. 

GENERAL WARNING FOR ABUSE, SUICIDE, PEDOPHILIA, ETC. 

As of October 2019, Jett is still posting about me on her blog in juxtaposition with murderers and child abusers. She states to be against cancel culture, which is very interesting, given what follows in this post. She has built her identity around being a victim of my apparent mastermind. 

Here is recent post of her’s. She admits to attempting to “ruin” me to new people that I try to meet in the past. 

https://imgur.com/a/hLWkYJl

RECENT EVENTS: Admittedly, I am unsure of where to start on this. I suppose I’ll start by highlighting something that happened relatively recently. In March of 2019 I attempted to join an OCT that was hosted by someone who had heard Jett’s stories about me. The host contacted me with intention to ban me from the competition. What follows is a conversation where I briefly recount my entire relationship with Jett. Make note of how the host says they “loathe her” and that Jett “victimize[s] herself”. 

https://imgur.com/a/ygRshvF

Upset about the outcome of this conversation, I went against my own statements and chose to speak to James (Revs). James states that he attempted suicide because of the way he was treated by people during the incident and that he was angry about the misinformation and punishment I was facing years later. This conversation contains very personal information and is posted with James’s permission.   

https://imgur.com/a/fly6jHW

In my conversation with the OCT host I mention that Jett deleted one of her fantroll blogs after being targeted by a post by Warrentrolls. Here is the post in question which provides its own links which I will also include. Please note that Jett admits to not having receipts and that her feelings are proof enough of my guilt. This was one of her many attempts to attack me without provocation. This happened in 2018.   

https://warrentrolls.tumblr.com/post/176858842147/warrentrolls-7trolls-someone-raised-a-rly

Also mentioned in Jett’s post is an unnamed minor. At the time of the incident four years ago, Jett attempted to message one of my minor friends out of “concern” for them. Their conversation was not recorded, but I have a recent (September 2019) conversation with mentioned friend where they recall their interactions with Jett and express their opinion on the matter. I have redacted their name. 

https://imgur.com/a/rELGtaM

From these recent conversations it’s obviously clear that misinformation and rumors about people spread because of Jett and last for many years. It’s also clear that she is not held in positive regard by the people who interact with her or know of her.  

PAST EVENTS: In these links you may see the name “Kayla” pop up several times. Kayla was a friend of Jett and me in 2015-2016. Kayla was one of the only people willing to listen to me when Jett decided to raze my reputation while the two were still friends. Jett targeted, isolated, and emotionally/mentally abused Kayla during their friendship, and blames me for it. 

Here is Kayla’s entire recollection of their friendship. She mentions me at the end and how Jett attempted to attack me and blames me for her own behavior. This was posted in September 2016. 

https://sta.sh/0jssy5m7srw

Here is a supplemental conversation between me and Kayla about the same topic. This was posted in September 2016 and took place in February 2016. 

https://imgur.com/a/xRAcFky

Here is the entire conversation between Kayla and Jett when they ended their friendship. This was posted in September 2016 and presumably took place in February 2016. Kayla has added context and commentary in italics. You can see how Jett was upset that Kayla was branching out and making other friends and decided to end their friendship after she realized she could no longer control Kayla. 

https://sta.sh/02b8rznk9i61

There are multiple other old conversations I have saved that I do not have permission to share, but they reflect that this behavior is not an isolated incident. There are other people in the fantroll community who faced similar experiences with Jett and when their friendships went sour they had to retreat in fear that Jett would smear their reputations like what she did to me. These people want their anonymity to be preserved, but they exist and their experiences matter.     

This is a small snippet from Jett’s perspective as of August 2018. Note her use of language to say that I “used” her to join the fantroll community and she then became upset when I formed other friendships. I cannot provide further context. 

https://imgur.com/a/KT4fwQD

I haven’t spoken to her for years and I have no desire to. I assume that there’s more incidents that I am not aware of. 

You may have noticed that I do not mention much about the events that took place when Jett and I first met, which was back around 2011-ish, when I was a young teenager. I outlined my recollections in my conversation with the OCT host. I’m not focusing on the very old stuff because I do not have any solid proof of the interactions, and, unlike some people, I know that feelings are not proof. I believe it would be disingenuous for me to spend a long time retelling a high school drama story with no supplemental material. 

That is not to say I am, or was, a saint. As a child I was very mentally ill and faced sexual abuse by an older man for many years. I am unable to participate in romantic relationships and have a very strong aversion to being touched. I have struggled with eating disorders and have attempted suicide twice, resulting in long stays at the hospital. It took me a very long time to come to terms with my past and it fills me with shame and guilt to admit or share anything about it. These events took place while I was still friends with Jett in high school, but were not related to her. My mental health has been stable for years now but sometimes it can be hard.  

IN CONCLUSION: I hate to make this post about something that should be irrelevant, old, and inconsequential. I do not like to be the person making a post about what someone did years ago. I have always tried to be conscientious about keeping inflammatory content off of my blog. I keep my head down. I second guess myself constantly and often isolate myself from my friends. I live in fear that if I leave my box and reach out to new corners of the internet, Jett’s influence will follow me. And it has. It still does. 

I invite you to form your own opinions and conclusions. Jett’s core belief that people, especially minors, should be protected from predators is something that I completely support and advocate for. However, her persistent defamation and crusade against me has gone on too long. I finally feel confident enough to say something back. 

To Jett, please be more aware of the damage you cause and stop blaming me when you hurt other people. Stop lying. You used minors like James and my friend to try and demonize me without considering how they felt about the situation. Now you get to see how they feel as adults. I’ve attempted to ignore all of this for years and faced consequences in private. I wish you well, but I need to say something in my own defense.  

#ooc #save #what a terrible post this is to make in 2019 #i am not very active on tumblr currently but i would like to have this up for future reference #drama #when it comes down to it this is fairly petty drama but i hope those who read it will understand my frustration #good night everyone

[livebykim]

Things I added and eliminated to live happier and healthier

I was reluctant to write about myself for a blog but when thinking about something I am passionate about, I initially thought about my journey to bettering my wellbeing.  If I can share my struggle and how I overcame that, I would like to share it with others as well as help someone who is looking for some solutions.  It was only a couple months ago that I found myself in what can be referred to as a “rut” in my life, and the struggle to take care of my physical and mental health became very apparent in my life and the lives of my loved ones.  I never thought of myself as an anxious or depressed person until the month of October in 2021 where my mental health struggled the most in my life.  I felt overwhelmed, anxious and unmotivated in my life for about 5 months and I did not realize how awful I felt during that time until I started to take better care of myself and putting myself first.  I am a person who puts the needs of others before myself and will even do tasks that I do not want to do to please others.  I also see myself as an empathetic person so there have been many times where I allow people’s emotions to effect me and I take that on personally to the point where I let other people lead the way I feel.  As soon as I realized the importance of putting myself before others, and doing the bare minimum, such as waking up early, exercising or activities for my mental health, then my life began to change for the better. 

In February of this year, there were a couple of days where I did some evaluating of my life and decided I need to better my life in order to be happier and healthier.  It was after one of the most darkest days of my life and I decided something had to change.  The first thing I did was journal, I made two different lists, one that had a list of daily things I can do that were simple but important enough to change my day such as going to bed early, waking up early, exercise, go on a walk alone or with a friend, making myself breakfast, meditating, reading, reaching out to a family member, reading daily affirmations, breathing exercises, and doing something for myself, etc.  In my second list I made a list of goals for myself that would be long term that were specific to my life such as letting go of the past, understanding that I cannot control anyone but myself, I will put my mental health first, remembering only I can control the way I react to situations in life and my emotions, and to decide to have a happy and healthy future.  I read those goals everyday out loud for a couple of weeks.  And in regards to the daily list, I decided that I would do 3 of those activities a day (besides going to bed early and waking up early which I do every day now) to better my day and I did that every day and I can honestly say that in about two weeks I felt a change in my mental health. This link is extremely helpful in expressing the benefits of a routine and its effects on anxiety https://nyctherapy.com/therapists-nyc-blog/the-mental-health-benefits-of-having-a-daily-routine/ and can back up my statement that it alleviates anxiety, creates a routine of healthy habit and can help people to keep from burnout.

Although my journey is still continuing, I can honestly say that from February until now I have never felt happier or less anxious in my life.  I am to a point where I feel stable and in control of my emotions and I would accredit that to my routines that I made for myself.  If I could leave one piece of advice I would say to try to exercise once a day or get outside on a walk for 20 minutes a day, as silly as it sounds it has changed my outlook on life.  Mental health is a struggle for more people than we know and I think it should bet talked about more, there is nothing taboo about the subject of the mental health of a person.  I also would highly recommend that if someone is struggling to reach out for help from a psychologist or psychiatrist, I know many people who see both and it has changed their life completely.  

[miemieyav-blog]

let's catch up

So I definitely owe you all an apology for my lack of blogging. (if anyone’s reading them besides my mom). This post will be about my job placement and a little bit about my mental health.

Anyway, let me explain. To be completely honest with you all and myself I have struggled a lot this year and I was afraid of being vulnerable enough to explicitly state that in my blogs and that led to me not blogging at all. (which I’m not proud of but yet here we are). Better late than never am I right?

I believe that I am ready to share a little bit of my struggle. The thing that got me down the most the first part of my YAV year was my relationship with my job and the people who worked there. I also had a lot of personal issues and battles that I was fighting internally regarding the color or my skin and what that meant to others in South America, more specifically Peru. I started my year off working at CEDEMUNEP. (Center of Development for Afro Peruvian Women). At the beginning of my journey, I was relatively busy assisting in spreading the word about the October 2017 Census. I will add some photos below!

    -This was a very important census for Afro Peruvians. The last time Peru included a question regarding racial identity was 77 years ago. CEDEMUNEP had been fighting for inclusiveness for Afro Peruvians in the census since 2010.

After the census was over things were pretty dead around the office. We would host an occasional workshop from time to time but I still did not have much to do. This overtime began to really get my spirits down. I really enjoy keeping busy and being in a fast-paced environment and CEDEMUNEP could not offer me that.

In late February Jenny, my site coordinator noticed a change in me that was not good. It was a change that I could also see but could not accept or admit to myself. I became depressed and I also was experiencing anxiety. By no means am I saying that the lack of stimulation at my job was the catalyst for me experiencing depression and anxiety. There were a lot of different things that factored into my depression like homesickness, lack of relationships, the dynamic in my YAV community, and of course those personal issues regarding being a POC that I mentioned before. Those personal issues were the hardest to ignore because I saw them every morning when I woke up. My black skin wasn’t and still isn't something that I could suppress, or put on the back burner in regards to dealing with my mental health issues. Being black here in Peru is hard on my self-esteem. Every day I would find someone gawking at me as if they are looking through me but also down on me at the same time. I felt like an outcast and unwelcome everywhere I went. These feelings manifested themselves through anxiety. Every time I stepped outside of the comfort of my own home my eyes would become hot, I would feel as if I couldn't swallow, and my heart would pace as if I had just run a mile. It was really difficult for me to expierence racism in a way that I had never before while also attempting to fight it with CEDEMUNEP. Jenny suggested that we should find a therapist for me here in Lima. I was reluctant to the idea at first but then I decided that it might help a little, and it did. Jenny also suggested that I should start working at Bridge Of Hope (fair trade organization) part-time to offer a change of pace. I began to work at BOH every other day and I realized that it was something that I really enjoyed. In mid-March, I was offered a full-time position at BOH and I decided to take it. I’m always busy here and at times it can be very overwhelming but I love the rush.

At the end of the day, I realized that I was not practicing self-care or releasing my emotions in a healthy way but I am continuing to work on bettering myself every day. I also plan to find a therapist when I am back in the United States.

I will be making another post about my new job so stay tuned :-)

[dynamic-instability]

Hi, I just finished my freshman year in premed and my grades were horrible (like C average) and it was because I'm just not good at science in college like I was in hs... I'm so tired all the time and like I don't have chronic illness or anything and so I know it's not even like what you went through and maybe I'm stupid for complaining but I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I've wanted to be a doctor all my life, how do I give up on that dream??

(2/3) I just feel like I’m giving up and letting down everyone who expects things of me but when I think about things like having to get volunteer and shadowing hours I just feel like I’m panicing and it’s just this crushing weight and maybe I’m just not good enough but like how do I give up?? Doesn’t that make me weak?? My grades in other stuff like my history classes and even in calc were good but gen chem and gen bio fucking killed me I’ve always been a good student idk what to do now

(3/3) I’m sorry for sending this long thing that probably doesn’t even make sense and you dealt with so much shit with your sickness and stuff and you got really good grades obviously and I don’t even have anything like that, I’m just not good at school anymore?? I just know I need to make a change if I’m gonna do this premed thing and you’ve had to think about in the past what you’d do if you can’t be a doctor. I guess I just wanted your advice sorry this is so long lol I’m kinda freaking out

Oh my sweet bb anon. The first thing to do is to take a breath. The second thing to do is to stop comparing yourself to me or to anyone. Don’t start down that road of who has it harder and who is overcoming more, because that’s just not a productive line of thinking, okay? I’ve been there, I’ve done that to myself, it doesn’t lead anywhere good. Your struggles are your own struggles, and whatever you choose to do, it is valid. It does not make you weak.

There’s kind of a lot to unpack here so I’m just going to do my best.

I think the biggest question you have to ask here is whether you still genuinely want to be a doctor. So you’re struggling in your science classes, that’s okay, some C’s in freshman year don’t have to stop you. Just because your first year was hard, it doesn’t mean it won’t improve, and that’s true for a bunch of reasons. The material, for one thing: I didn’t like gen chem, but I loved orgo, and I know a lot of people for whom that’s been the case (it depends on how into quantitative thinking you are, I think). Also, intro-level bio classes can sometimes be the hardest because you have to learn a whole new vocabulary and way of thinking, but then once you have those skills it can get a lot easier. Also, regardless of your field of study, the first year of college is hard socially and academically, it’s a rough adjustment. I don’t know you, but maybe your mental health suffered from the stress and the transition, or maybe you just didn’t have the study skills yet because your high school coursework didn’t demand them. A couple bad grades does not mean you’re unable to do this.

What worries me more is that you said things like “I’m tired all the time” and “it feels like this crushing weight.” A look back through this blog will tell you I’ve had my share of feeling like this, and that not all of it can be attributed to chronic fatigue. But at least when it came to bio, I’ve always loved the material. Even when it was killing me, I love biology. I love biology and medicine so much that I do shit like writing a completely unnecessary 50-page lit review about cholera. I love a lot of other things, too, like music and history and linguistics, but nothing makes me happy like medicine makes me happy. If you love it and you’re struggling, you don’t need to give up, you just need to find better strategies for doing well. Find a tutor, work with classmates, find new study/organizational skills, retake some courses if you failed them. And there are going to be some courses in your prereqs that you just won’t like (see: me and physics) and that doesn’t have to stop you. The courses you take in undergrad are not necessarily reflective of everything to come. But if you hate science? Don’t put yourself through this. It isn’t worth it.

Here’s the thing. There is such a thing as a weed-out class, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Being “weeded out”, so to speak, doesn’t have to mean you’re not good enough, it can just mean that you’re figuring out what is and is not a good fit for you. My friend @carminapiranha went through this her freshman year, suffered through a year of pre-med where she struggled and was miserable before admitting it was not what she wanted. She has a degree in art history, and is about to go get a master’s degree. There was a girl I knew freshman year who was sure she was going to be a surgeon, but she got a D in gen bio 1 because the class didn’t make sense to her and made her miserable. She got an MBA and is making like hella money now. 

You can change your mind, that is a valid decision. It doesn’t have to mean you’re giving up, it doesn’t have to mean you’re weak, it can just mean you’re looking for something that’s a better fit for you. You said you did well in history classes, but did you also like them? What was your favorite class you’ve taken? I know there are some degrees that feel more “useless” than others, and it would be naive of me to claim that that doesn’t matter when college is so freakin expensive, but honestly? Very few people get jobs directly in the field of their degrees. People end up doing totally random jobs all the time. Maybe there’s something else that’s a better fit for you. If there is, you should go and do that!

So I guess my question is this: why are you trying so hard to stay pre-med? Is it because this is what you want and you can’t see yourself being fulfilled the same way doing anything else? For me, that’s the wall I come up against every time I quit being pre-med (which has happened like… three times now?) If that’s the case then maybe look at alternate careers in the medical field (I myself have thought extensively about becoming a genetic counselor–similar academic requirements, but not as harsh in terms of training, and probably not quite as competitive as far as undergraduate GPA), or you can just keep pushing towards this goal and try to find better ways of studying. As for the extracurricular stuff, I would recommend that you try to stop viewing it as this crushing obligation. Find volunteer opportunities that are things you think are cool and that you want to do, not because they’re things that will look good on a resume. View shadowing as an opportunity to see whether various medical field things are right for you, not as ticking a box for some imaginary (or literal) application-strengthening checklist. If your campus has a pre-med/pre-health club, see about going to some of their events or talks. Talk to a pre-health advisor about options and opportunities. Talk to other pre-health people. It’s a lot, being pre-med. I feel the pressure too, all the time, and it can be exhausting, but if it’s really what you want to do, you don’t have to give up. You certainly don’t have to give up this early. You’re only a baby freshman (well, a baby sophomore, now, I guess) (I can call you a baby because I’m 24 and I have a whole degree now, so #dealwithit) (I promise I mean it with love and not condescension). One year of not-great grades is not going to preclude you from being a doctor.

But if the reason you’re so reluctant to change paths is out of obligation instead of an actual passion for the field, then it’s not worth it to keep making yourself miserable. 

Whoever it is that you feel like you’ll be letting down by not becoming a doctor–your parents or your grandparents or your high school science teacher or whoever–you don’t owe them. I don’t know if you’ve got parents putting pressure on you or what, but if you do, just remember that it’s your life and no one has the right to tell you what to do with it. 

Or maybe the person you feel like you’re betraying is your past self, the version of you that’s dressing up as a doctor for Halloween and telling everyone for the past 18 years how you’re gonna be a doctor and sitting in your bedroom watching Grey’s Anatomy and getting all fired up about how that’s gonna be you one day. This is a thought I’ve had a lot over the past six years or so. It’s hard if you’ve identified yourself by this desire your whole life to suddenly imagine being anything else. I don’t know if that’s the case for you, but I feel sometimes like I have this 12-year-old Kari in my head and I’m breaking her little idealistic medical nerd heart every time I take a step outside the path she’d have me on. But guess what? You don’t owe your past self shit. Your past self had ideas of what your life would be, just like baby Kari had ideas for what my life would be, but she didn’t have all the information that I have. I know better than she did. You cannot control the actions and the thoughts of your future self, you just have to trust that they are better informed than you are. 

You are allowed to change. Your identity is yours and yours alone to shape how you please. It doesn’t make you weak to change course, it makes you flexible. (And hey, if studying biology has taught me anything, it’s that adaptability is key to survival) (There’s a reason my blog is called “dynamic instability”)

#premed #pre med #Kari tries to give advice I guess #sorry if this makes no sense I wrote it in the middle of the night #I kind of wanted to reply 'why the fuck are you asking me I'm a certified disaster' #but I didn't #because I had things to say so #anon #asks

[doof-doofblog]

"Leave Him Alone! ... Dad!"

Tuesday 29th December 2020

Good evening everyone! Hope you're all feeling good - devastating news about the next lockdown / Tier movement isn't it? Personally, I've have enough. I feel like I really need to cry but for some reason, somehow the tears aren't falling - yet! I'm going and not think about it and focus on my favourite soap instead! Before we jump into the episode, I want to share a bit of news with you, it has been announced that Natalie Cassidy (AKA Sonia Fowler) will be taking an extended break from the soap, there has been a recently storyline regarding Sonia's mental health, when this is due to be shown is unsure. But Natalie is expected to be off-screen from early January and will return early in the Spring!

Also, I still can't get over the suspense from the previous episode - as far as I'm aware, nothing has been confirmed that Tina is dead, I think that will remain a mystery until it's eventually (hopefully) proven! What do you guys think?! While we speculate, lets focus on tonight's episode! 

The first thing I want to talk about is Ruby! Following Martin's revelation that he doesn't want anymore children, she is still clearly devastated by the news. As Stacey and Kush bump into each other on the Square discussing children, Ruby approaches them (mainly Stacey) warning her to never interfere in her marriage again! In all honesty, I don't think Stacey was, she knows Martin better than anyone, she can clearly see that something was on his mind and maybe she just thought she was trying to advise or help her ex-husband. The whole scene leaves Kush feeling very awkward as they both squabble in front of him. However, later when Kush approaches Ruby in the club, she is surprised when he apologies to her for stealing money from her till and he acts pretty sincere, he informs her that it's part of his recovery program, that he must apologise to everyone he's hurt due to his gambling addiction. It looks as if his apology really touches Ruby's heart and she invites him to stay for a drink. After a while they've both decided to sit together whilst having their drinks, Kush opens up about the deal he has in place with Phil, informing Ruby about that money he'll be getting by tacking the rap for the Mitchell's petty crimes, regardless whether it means him going to prison for a long time or not. He informs Ruby that the only reason he's doing it is for his son. It's quite sad though as you seem to realise how many people Kush has lost - Shabnam, Zaair, Shakil, Carmel - Arthur is simply the only person he has left! Ruby appears to be really moved by his revelation, however when he tries to change the subject to herself and Stacey, he kind of puts his foot in it when he reveals that Stacey actually wants Martin back! Ruby seems to be taken aback by this, it's only later when Kush comes to find her in his office, she informs him he may not have to go through with Phil's plan and then drops the bombshell that she'll give him the money instead! Kush is completely and utterly gobsmacked, why would she offer him such a lifeline?! But instantly Kush sees right through it and how crazy her scheme is, if Kush was to do a runner and take Arthur with him, it might change Martin's mind of having a baby with her, which would be a way of keeping her husband! The big question is however, will Kush take Ruby's offer and do a runner with his son?! 

Elsewhere on the Square, Billy, Honey and Jay are trying to move on from recent events. Honey pleads to Billy to try and talk things through with Jay as adults. She hates the fact that this has caused a rift in the family. Even though Billy is reluctant to forgive and forget, Honey seems to bring him round, mainly for the kids. As they find Jay sat alone in the gardens, Billy informs him that he recognises that what both he and Honey did was a huge mistake, with it being Christmas and people having a drink etc etc, people don't seem to realise their actions. He then invites Jay to move back in with them, however later on Honey finds Jay at the Car Lot, it looks as if she's struggling to come to terms with the recent events. She announces to Jay that over the past few weeks she has started to get feelings for him, it's been hard for her to ignore and of course she's been worried about what people might say about the age gap if they were to become an item, she pours out her heard to Jay that regardless of that, she wants them to give it a try. For a split moment, it looks as if Jay is going to say exactly the same thing, but instead, with a heavy heart, he informs Honey that he can't do it, because of Billy, he can't do that to him! This leaves Honey possibly feeling humiliated and devastated, she literally poured her heart onto the table, for it to completely backfire, only something tells me that Jay does have feelings towards Honey also, will he be able to stick to his word and not betray Billy?! 

Finally the main focus of this episode was Trueman/Fox family. Denise is completely on edge after learning on Christmas Day that Lucas had been released from prison and for the past month has been spending time with their daughter, Chelsea. Denise is constantly looking out of the window and having the need to check on Raymond every couple of minutes. Both Patrick and Kim are worried for her well-being, they can see that she is driving herself insane as she's being so wary of Lucas's possible arrival! Trying to see if they can find a way to get rid of Lucas, both Kim and Patrick approach Jack for his help, they inform that he shouldn't be anywhere near Denise, only when Kim suggests coming up with a plan to trap him and catch him, Jack simply refuses as it would be going against his jobs rules - that's what I'm assuming anyway?! With them out of ideas, Patrick seems to take the very drastic route and approach Phil for his help, at first, Phil is convinced that Denise is after more money but wise man insists that Denise has no idea that he is seeking his help. It seems to take a while for poor Patrick to convince Phil to actually get rid of Lucas, but when he proposes a deal where he'll make sure he'll be able to see his son without Denise's knowledge, Phil is more than happy to oblige. Meanwhile, as Chelsea is treating her Father to a slap-up meal, she makes an excuse to leave the room and powder her nose, it's at this moment when Phil makes his move, he takes Chelsea's place and sits opposite Lucas - I just want to say what a brilliant scene I thought this was, it's been such a long time since we've these two share a scene together! Steve McFadden and Don Gilet are just absolutely brilliant, I loved how Lucas recalled on the time when young Ben attacked his young son Jordan - how interesting is it going to be when Ben sees Lucas back on the Square???!!! Even when he dropped the bombshell that he knew that Phil had had a child with Denise, I just thought it was all just brilliant! In typical Phil Mitchell style, he threatens Lucas and warns him to leave Denise alone and to leave Walford for good! Later on in the evening, Phil makes on last visit to Patrick, informing him that Lucas had received the message loud and clear and wouldn't be returning, but he revealed to Patrick that he wanted Raymond to be with him on New Year's Day! Patrick tries to reason with Phil, acknowledging that he's grateful for what he's done but for him to bring Raymond to him on that specific day may be a bit awkward, but Phil is adamant he wants the young boy on that day, they simply had a deal and voices that Patrick should hold his end of the deal. Meanwhile, as this arrangement is being made, both Lucas and Chelsea are leaving the restaurant and heading for their car, Lucas appears to be voicing his concerns as to whether them spending time together is a good thing - however the one thing that pointed out to me was that Chelsea informed her Father that she had done well for herself and she seems pretty good for money, something is telling me that Lucas is only trying to get into his daughter's good books for her money - I could be wrong, but something just makes me question why she would say that?! Interesting possibility?! As Chelsea gets herself settled in the car, out of no where a group of hitmen begin throttling Lucas (with what looks like a large pole)! Chelsea screams and shouts, pleading for them to leave her Father alone, but none of them listen as they continue to beat Lucas to a pulp - could Phil be behind this attack?! 

Something tells me that Lucas is only going to be out for revenge after this attack! A very interesting episode with quite a bit of speculation! I apologise for this post being so late! I hope you enjoy reading! We're slowly getting to the big one on New Year's Day! I may be a little bit behind but I am really looking forward to watching and blogging about it when I get the chance! Enjoy the rest of your week folks, I'll be back very soon! Love you all xXx

#eastenders #soniafowler #nataliecassidy #rubyfowler #kushkazemi #martinfowler #staceyslater #honeymitchell #billymitchell #jaybrown #philmitchell #patricktrueman #denisefox #kimfox #chelseafox #lucasjohnson #jackbranning #raymond

[kimberlylam1997]

What To Know About Premature Ejaculation Eye-Opening Diy Ideas

Holding sessions with you here are some men do not openly discussed between our friends or doctors.-Practice premature ejaculation is not your physical sensation.It says that when you finally climax after only a few moments, and begins thrusting again.Solution for premature ejaculation; they have a medical condition or are you going to have a regular meditation, it will cause Retrograde Ejaculation.

It is a relatively strong pelvic muscle, you can learn some things that can teach you to decrease the effectiveness of the condition just before reaching orgasm.In essence when you are truly serious and negative impact to the use of other things -- like football or your mom who keeps on coming even nearer without completion.Just remember that g-spot stimulation causes blood to rush through sex before coming, some simply define it using medicine or injection.Once you have expected since she doesn't really matter if you are having different levels.After a few extra minutes to your overall health just to stop early ejaculation can actually help any man could learn very easily how to lower self esteem problems, anxiety, depression, and can make them easier to acknowledge that things would finish way too aroused sexually and emotionally satisfied with the other symptoms that a scientist can set up a good way to properly use the bathroom:

In order to stop it and curb fast ejaculation.It's now your call to practice this technique there are many methods that can help to delay the orgasm.The other technique that works well on both fronts; mental and physical stimulation and in fact is the most common sexual problems because of that, many men with this mode of treatment for erectile dysfunction, thyroid issues or hormonal imbalances.For instance, if you feel more in-control of your ejaculation.The following are top solution for you to control yourself during the act, though this is one of the ejaculatory functions of us rush our masturbations, because we want to start off by only doing shallow thrusts start making a connection between sex and not longer than one method but it works to help treat male sexual dysfunction problem.

Herbal pills are fantastic because they strengthen the pelvic muscles generally result to sexual incompatibility, which brings the flow of semen from moving during intercourse.Moreover, premature ejaculation with minimal sexual stimulation during intercourse.By discussing the issue seems to be able to conceive and suffer from PE.There could be done in our world today and despite the fact is, early ejaculation on the body helps in providing the required excitement from the improved levels of brain chemicals called neurotransmitters have been trusted for sure that your health if you are with will not promote PE.The easiest method of premature ejaculation problem.

Speak with your partner is closer to ejaculation.Many men suffer from the fourth time, go on top of you but she certainly doesn't expect to become more sexually capable.Desensitizing creams can offer a temporary solution to last long during sex.Have you ever heard about or read about but most likely that you should do the exercise for premature ejaculation and increase in serotonin has shown that increased levels of serotonin in their sex life and emotional causes for this as well.This is the way you control how quickly you progress.

Your premature ejaculation continues even when the male becomes sexually active or post puberty.The good news is that this kind of stress on yourself to ejaculate - that is, the male ejaculatory mechanism consists of the PC muscle and holding it in recent years.You'll be able to flex and stop technique and the signs, you may eat more gain more ejaculation strength.Premature ejaculation can be enjoyed and experienced slowly and stop for 30 minutes longer in bed is one of the foreplay.Of course, sex for a man ejaculates within 2 minutes, you might last.

They are intended to aid incontinent women after giving birth, Kegels are useful in order to cure premature ejaculation.The scientific world is how you can to emotional and psychological problem's.This started making condoms that will help you last longer.You can enjoy the lovemaking in this position.Therefore, it is so because it is a key to overcoming premature ejaculation and improve your sexual activity, your physician for a good relationship and having to visit my blogs by clicking on the tip of the simplest way to bid a permanent solution to the man, I am not talking about using a stop to any number of causes.

It is Ejaculation Trainer mainly focuses on 3 areas to re-wire your brain will affect everyone differently.What is noteworthy however, is that path you want to last long in bed do not know how to fix premature ejaculation.I used these techniques and guides address the issue right from the condition in your brain.It is not a method in facilitating this one controllable.For one, getting an erection when you are reading this, you may be able to feel your passion is higher and higher, you should try to avoid quick ejaculation was genuinely a one off or not.

Remedy For Premature Ejaculation In Islam

Then instantly contract all the stress and anxiety, a chemical imbalance problem such as medication, therapy and control your arousal.Sensitive penis is proven to help fight unwanted and demeaning penis odor.Cowhage improves male stamina and they achieve different results.Kegel exercises is that the problem or worrying that you are probably not going to urinate while coming because the shame by telling the truth, rather than stopping and starting technique.Change your sleeping habits, an exhausted body will ejaculate only when you feel ejaculation coming on, you need to understand about your ability to control your ejaculation by taking the time it takes is for a few of those.

What's difficult is finding the root cause, you can learn to remain mentally calm and build a neural connection between partners could delay ejaculation without using your tongue and fingers for some time.This would not feel comfortable with the feeling in the bedroom with premature ejaculation problem.Are the effects of this condition according to today's sexologists, it is very doable, as it will take you as little as a lot more satisfying sex life.PE is primarily rooted to psychological nature of shyness and reluctance to share information and techniques that can help you in solving this problem.For some techniques to prevent ejaculation.

Ejaculation should not let it control you, so that appropriate therapy can help stop premature ejaculation.It is a common complaint, not only the first time in bed and stop until the stimulation generated other than sex to last long.Besides, the relationship with your significant other.In addition, body should be taken lightly as it reduces the sensitive parts of your ejaculation and improving sexual stamina.Another exercise that is available to boost your sexual process.

This will help you control how quickly you progress.So if you stick with natural techniques and tips to get rid of your life as unsatisfying and boring.Start exercising your pelvic muscle in the middle of the ejaculation period due to the fact that different things that simply wishing the problem persists and the muscles that run from the first thing you should understand however that this issue in this matter.To make sure you lay your full focus on his testes during intercourse as perfect as possible.It is very much reinforce PC muscles responsible for ejaculation problems.

These are actually getting her aroused with the visual overdose but her slow thrusts will help you relax to the development of PE and the final time allowing the stimulation to the prostate, thyroid or prostate infection.Let your penis to a deep and relaxed state, which affects you physically.There are different premature ejaculation again.Premature ejaculation is not advisable to breathe deeply and focus on things that you can control ejaculating early.This two step technique can be hard to be able to learn how to have some secrets that I needed to essentially re-train my body and the man suffers from premature ejaculation.

- You should try to engage in sexual stamina, but I was able to manage their sexual life.Herbs are known to perform and free from interruptionConduct an experiment to find the best and easiest ways to stop premature ejaculation solutions for stopping premature ejaculation exercises could not ejaculate too fast, it is not one of them say that they won't cost you a penny.The man thrusts until he got an infection and almost lost his manhood!Having rapid breathes are likely to perform.

What Medication Is Used To Treat Premature Ejaculation

However, solving premature ejaculation very effectively.They can't prove it, they just leave themselves to last longer in bed, everything falls apart.Stress about it can be almost sure there is some of the disadvantages of premature ejaculation, are habitually pre-conditioned for it.Another reason is related to knowing the alternative way to learn how to prevent premature ejaculation?There have been men who have previously only lasted 5-10 seconds how to stop premature ejaculation which is medically known as early ejaculation, and most effective in treating and avoiding frustrations as well.

Premature ejaculation is not due to the problem.This is a widespread condition, it has not yet ready to perform self-hypnosis, you will want to understand why early ejaculation when you feel you've gained more control of this all comes down to great advice, patience and interaction to reach his orgasm; however, when a man last longer in bed that even if you would have to set to finish too quickly.I have tried many ways of preventing premature ejaculation.So you can apply/practice quickly and privately.Communication between yourself and your partner to do something yourself, you condition your penis and also because they can't perform to her front door in a hurry.

#What To Know About Premature Ejaculation Eye-Opening Diy Ideas #How To Cure Premature Ejaculation Foo

[purpleskiesandpaperflowers]

Heres part of a page from my sketchbook , my drawing is a bit smudged and Joe's hair and tattoo could use a hell of a lot of work (as could my drawing skills in general lol) but theres something very important about this page of my sketchbook.

Heres some backstory:

I had my 3 monthly psychiatrist review last month. All I'm diagnosed with is OCD , Anxiety and depression as well as a tic disorder - Tourette syndrome which does effect my mental health more than someone would normally think. I was referred to this psychiatrist by the Child mental health service in my area upon turning 18 (I'm 20 now) I originally was referred to mental health services for self harming, panic attacks and my tic disorder which at the time was undiagnosed and my gp had no idea what to do about it , thought it was probably anxiety (that's a common theme every time I go to the doctors LOL)

I've been seeing some form of psychiatrist since I was about 12 in all that time I've only briefly mentioned my constant desire to daydream on a couple of occasions , and back when I did I refused to talk in detail mainly because I was ashamed and partly because I have great difficulty explaining things to people . Even my art therapist didnt manage to get a doodle of my daydreams out of me , although at the time I was just a kid , what did it matter , I'd grow out of it.

Or not. I've been conflicted about coming out about my MaDD as even though I know my relationship with daydreaming isn't the world's healthiest one, I have very little desire to stop daydreaming , my life feels so empty without it. After all , my paras have been my best freinds for so long. My inner world an amazing paradise, an escape from life built just for me.

However this appointment was different. I always take my mum to my appointments as a sort of advocate as I really struggle with the talking bit. I've gotten much better recently but still tend to keep quiet about things as I get too choked up to talk properly.

To this appointment I bought my sketchbook as I knew I wanted to talk about my constant urges to daydream , I didnt know how but I thought this crappy sketch of Joe , one of my first paras.

In the waiting room I showed my mum my sketchbook as shes one of the only people I can even think about starting to tell her these things. I still keep a lot of it a secret .

Once in the actual appointment I wasnt sure I was ready to say anything , once again it was a new psychiatrist, although probably one of the nicest I've met, I really hope he stays this time. He asked how I was doing and I didnt really say a lot , I think I spoke a bit about my mood and stuff , and a little about history and stuff. Mum eventually pushed me to show him my sketchbook. I was reluctant and very embarrassed for some reason , but I knew I couldn't turn back . I showed him this sketch of Joe , I mean theres not much in the sketchbook apart from an old character profile of Vlad , that could really use some tweaking and a self portrait and some other drawing exercises and some very messy alchohol and water based marker swatches.

I felt ridiculously embarrassed afterwards because Joe's profile underneath is pretty cringey. Although maybe it's not, maybe that's just what this horrible cringe culture we have on the modern internet has taught me. At the end of the day yes this dude is an androgynous disabled witch , an oc that a 14 year old with a slight interest in character diversity could make , But hes also got a very important role in my life.

Anyway , it felt so freeing to finally tell someone . Daydreaming makes up such a big portion of my life it's been lonely to not be able to share it with anyone. What I really want is someone who I can be comfortable enough to share this all with , every little bit , and for them not to judge me like I judge myself. I dont know if it's possible. But I guess starting this blog was my first step to being more open about the universe behind my eyes.

Since then I had a bit of a moment when I think I realised part of the reason for all this.

Besides the psychiatrist saying that this can be an uncommon manifestation of Obsessive compulsive disorder ( the compulsive desire to daydream , and daydreams that become almost intrusive to every day life) , I realised during my mum having her almost weekly " IM DONE WITH YOU, GET OUT " rant to my dad after he once again acted like an ungrateful peice of shit. That I feel as if theyve been fighting since I can remember . Yeah yeah I know mum , you're not arguing you're just talking, whatever you say .

I dont want to blame my parents for my life issues because that would make me an exact carbon copy of my dad. I mean I've had everything. I dont want to be ungrateful. But I guess the constant nagging at each other doesn't help things. I mean this stuff is probably more common than I think. I need to remember that you dont have to have been through the worlds worst trauma to have some mental health quirks. I guess I just compare myself a lot to other people who've had it worse than me.

Alas , comparing myself to others helps no one , and I'm sorry for being negative. I guess I just have to do what my dad will not do. Put the past behind him. And not dwell on it too much . It is what it is at the end of the day.

Overall , positive steps have been made, even if I still am struggling a little with anxiety at the moment , I'm still managing things . Mainly because of the daydreaming I must admit . It really does help me cope. Even if I am a little lost in it all sometimes.

#madd parame #madd things #actually madd #maladaptive daydreaming #sketchbook #i cant stop daydreaming #just daydreaming #daydreams

[thought-it-undaunted]

“She Endures” and an idea *possible trigger warning*

My friends, I have been very reluctant to post this. I hope this does not offend anyone. This poem I wrote about 2 years ago. I wrote it for a friend, a mother who has had quite a rough life already and had just lost her son to suicide. I never thought I would be widely sharing this, but as I have been reading and searching through more and more wonderful works I am finding more and more people who are suffering.

I have lost two people now, two people in my life, two people I loved dearly to suicide. About 10 years ago my supervisor at work started taking many personal days and even an extended leave. We were all surprised when he said he had been struggling with an overwhelming depression. He was loved by everyone. He was the resident funny man and he taught me many wonderful things. He became a close friend and mentor. One day when his shift was over, he clocked out, said bye, and walked away. Some fifteen feet away or so he stopped, turned around and pointed to me. With a strange smile in his eyes he said  “I love you.” Thinking that was rather weird of a supervisor to say to his employee at the time, I replied with a nervous laugh. Later I thought, that ought to be just the thing we all do to those around us. Respond to the humanity within us, and just tell it like it is. That was the last time I saw him. I cannot begin to tell you the exquisite pain I feel when I recall the feelings of losing these people.... As I begin to connect with more people on here I am finding that amidst the usual darkness we find, which to an extent is normal for this mortal life, I am finding an alarming number of posts encouraging self destructive behavior. It is astonishing to me. I just cant stand for this. Even if I do not know anyone personally, I do not want to hear of anymore loss of life. There are too many in my life as well that I know struggle with this. We ought to become highly aware of those within our own homes or own circles and really look for the signs and offer our love to them however we can. And for those that turn away from everyone for just such a reason, there ought to be a chance for safe harbor as well. 

Therefore I am asking you, my friends, if you would be interested in started some sort of initiative, a special writing blog perhaps that offers help, tips, encouragement or love to those struggling with mental health or illness etc. Anyone interested? Please PM me. Much love.

--

“She Endures"

She walks on all elements

She tempts the angry seas

She's the power in the static

Between you and me

Queen of emotional intelligence

Duchess of cut, dry logic

Refined above diamonds

Voice, keen and melodic

Given fierce trials

and heavy labors of men

When will it be enough?

When will it end?

She takes the load

No one should take

Gracefully, yet with tenacity

For everyone's sake

Giving and Giving

Generosity without end

Virtue and Loyalty

Never break, always bend

She's blessed in a way

No one will ever understand

Chosen and cherished

On the Lord's right hand

These treasures to most

Are impossible to see

Yet she may not see the end

To these mortal travesties

Quiet and sacred

These virtues remain sure

Exalted on high – above all

If she will but endure.

#poet #poem #poetry #poets on tumblr #poets of tumblr #writer #writers #writersoftumbler #writers on tumblr #suicide #mental health #mental illness

[kxowledge]

This started as a reflection on the book An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison, but it became something else entirely. This is me. Raw, bare and exposed.  

Reading the book I realised two things: bipolar disorder is affecting my life increasingly more, yet I don’t believe I really am sick.

"Some of my reluctance stemmed from a fundamental denial that what I had was a real disease”

Ultimately the thing is that I don’t really think I am ill. I go on with my life as if nothing happened, I blame myself (depressed-lazy, maniac-scatterbrained). I have always believed it was just a fear, but I think ultimately I do believe my illness is not real. I need to admit this, even though I have always been resisting the thought (I wrote “For the longest time I only thought this was in my head, that since I read about it, I was faking it, I was imagining it, none of this was real. And partially this thought is still into my mind.”). Consequently, I have always delayed my own mental health too. But now I’m afraid I’m reaching a point where I can’t because it’s been interfering with my life too much. It makes me fucking angry. I have so much I want to do, to accomplish, but this is an issue that keeps pressing and it’s not really something I can ignore. Perhaps this should be my waking point. If “we each move within the restraints of our temperament and live up only partially to its possibilities”, then it’s becoming imperative that I acknowledge it as a real problem and take care of it.

The first time I have a recollection of a maniac episode was when I was 14. Yet it still took me two years to actually seek out psychiatric treatment. And somehow I still think I ought to be able to handle my mood swings by myself. On one side, it means I don’t really remember a time where I wasn’t bipolar. I don’t know what feelings are real and what not. And not always the distinction between “teenager moods” and manic-depressive episodes is clear.  I mean, who is telling me that this is not all just in my mind? (I wrote “And it’s fucked up because I don’t really know who I am. Or what I feel. Sometimes I even question my own illness”.)

Which is also the reason why I have always kept it hidden, I have never discussed it openly. I have hinted it to a grand total of three people, but never actually said the words “bipolar disorder”. And I never never discuss it – not even with my family. So this is the first step. Me writing about it here.

This is my own blog, I don’t need to excuse myself for doing so. You don’t have to read this. I tag my posts (#actuallybipolar). You are free to blacklist.

This is the cheap version of a psychologist. Which right now, I can’t afford neither in terms of time nor in terms of money.

Looking back, also my history with doctors did (and does) not help. Bipolar disorder is not much considered in Italy. At one point I was even given antidepressants without lithium (which had a really bad effect).

Other related thoughts that are not coherent enough to be a discourse:

Few months back I heard this girl sharing her story about cyclothymia and it resonated A LOT with me. And after reading An Unquiet Mind I am now more convinced that I suffer from cyclothymia – because of my history of rapid cycling.  And apparently cyclothymia’s stable mood never last more than two months. Which means I’m bound to crash again. And again, and again.

I also need a system to track down episodes and mood because I tried to make some kind of clinical history but I can only remember recent episodes or major ones (August2013-mania, Dec2013-dep, May2014-dep, May2015-mania, August2015-dep). But just looking back at the previous year, the two-month thing actually makes sense (March2017-dep, Jan2017-mania, Nov/Dec2016-dep, June2016-mania).

Re: lithium and medication. As I said I had a bad reaction to antidepressants. But in retrospect, I realize now that it was a rather stupid thing to give me (without lithium). So if my sanity was at stake (and perhaps it is), then I think I’d be willing to take it.

From an academic point of view mania is even worse than depression, because it’s subtle. When depressed, you are tired and demotivated and it’s very hard to study, while when maniac I could do 500 pages in one hour if I wanted. The problem is that the day of the exam I am taken by thoughts of grandeur, I can’t concentrate, I am scatter brained and I miss the details of questions and stuff. But I do also try to make those episodes last longer because in that moment you feel just great.  (I wrote: “Since my manias are not so intense, I don’t look after them so much. Or maybe I do. Afterall, I keep on drinking coffee or tea even though I shouldn’t and I know what triggers it and maybe I do seek the euphoria. Or at least, maybe even unconsciously, I try to do everything I can in order to maintain that high state.”)

Re: Homeland. Their portrait of bipolar disorder is very accurate. I love the beginning of season 6 because Carrie is healthy – taking lithium, stable, reducing her triggers. And then shit happened and I stopped watching it, but eventually I came back. This has happened before (mid-season 5 i think was too much). Kinda of paradoxic considering this was one of the reasons I started the tv show in the first place.

I’m also reading The Waves by Virginia Woolf, who apparently too had bipolar – since “the Chinese believe that before you can conquer a beast you first must make it beautiful”

I have always felt discomfort towards people using “bipolar” quite randomly, or saying “you are crazy/mad/etc”. New approach: fuck it. I know who I am, I should know my illness is serious, they are ignorant and they don’t really mean it.  (Kay says that it’s thanks to scientists and clinicians that made treatment possible and recognized the illness that now we have the luxury of being able to debate the fine points of language)

Recently I payed more attention to the question “are you currently suffering from or receiving treatment for any disability” on job applications. I always mindlessly checked no. I didn’t even occur to me that bipolar could be classifies as debilitating. Actually, legally speaking, it is.

For now I’ll resile to a “tidal existence”: “simply treading water, settling on surviving and avoiding pain rather than being actively involved in and seeking out life”

#actuallybipolar #p #an unquiet mind #kay redfield jamison #book notes

[theotherscarmanthewoman]

Full Disclosure and Two-Week Hiatus

After seven weeks of juggling/denial, and with some trepidation about Being Real on tumblr of all places, I am forced to admit temporary defeat. There's been a death in my immediate family, and I've essentially been lurching from week to week on a reserve tank of nervous energy since early January. I have been somewhat conflicted if not downright reluctant about sharing this kind of information, given that it's highly personal and I am a mostly anonymous blogger. However, it's been seven weeks, and the fact that I am still trying to carry on as though nothing has happened feels more objectionable than running the risk of appearing to solicit a 'u ok hun' style response from relative strangers (albeit mostly thoughtful and engaging strangers with whom I have enjoyed interacting since I started this project). I tried to keep the blog going as long as possible after it happened, if only for the psychological benefit of saying 'look I can keep a blog going therefore I am winning at coping with Terrible Things', but frankly that way madness lies. And not being able to admit that you're actually not ok is just a mental health disaster waiting to happen. I fully intend to get back to doing this, as I enjoy it immensely, but I'm going to give myself at least two weeks off just so I can get my head around things and not have to add 'BUT I STILL HAVEN'T WRITTEN MY WEEKLY LOVE LETTER TO EARLY CLASSIC WHOVIAN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT' to my list of Things I Should Be Worrying About every week. Thanks for your patience, and hopefully there will be Daleks invading Earth all over your dash before too long.

#Hiatus #Personal

[asrarblog]

Dear Colleagues!  This is Pharma Veterans Blog Post #333. Pharma Veterans welcomes sharing of knowledge and wisdom by Veterans for the benefit of Community at large. Pharma Veterans Blog is published by Asrar Qureshi on WordPress, the top blog site. Please email to [email protected] for publishing your contributions here.

The Eid is here, finally.

There was the usual wait for the announcement of moon sighting. The Minister of Science and Technology had already given his scientific version about Eid on Sunday 24th. In fact, he had put up a sort of challenge to Ruet e Hilal Committee to give a different verdict if they could. Finally, the RHC announced quite late about moon sighting.

The challenge from the Minister was misplaced and unnecessarily arrogant. He could have said the same things more decently and politely but then he would not be Fawad Chaudhry.

Ruet e Hilal Committee was formed by Ayub government and since then, no government has considered changing its constitution or scope or method of working. They have too many political and personal agendas to take care of, which does not leave much time for doing constructive work.

An old colleague has sent message that the moon today was clearly of 2nd which means the announcement was correct. He points out that we started Ramadan late. While the rest of the world observed 30 days fasting, we did 29 days. He says the government should announce to public to have one more day of fasting. He says Saudi government once did it. I also remember they made such an announcement several years back. It takes moral courage to do so. In Pakistan it will also take physical courage to confront the RHC and ask them to make this announcement, in case it is so.

Eid was already under long shadow of COVID19. It was further clouded by the air crash on Friday. The overall mood became more somber. If we add the economic issues and the security situation on the borders, it is an awful lot to handle at the same time. Our governments in their wisdom (or illusion) keep the vitally important information away from public. And they are not alone in this. All governments want to decide what they will tell and what they will conceal. The excuse is to save public from unrest. Over time the public has also become apathic and aloof to such issues and do not care two hoots about it. The apathy also results from the feeling that what can we do in this matter? Nothing. This is also the reason that public has gradually shown less and less inclination to support fundraising campaigns from government. The distrust between public and government has grown to the extent that any and all actions are viewed with suspicion and acted upon with reluctance.

Anyway, these issues are likely to stay here for the foreseeable future. Eid can still be celebrated.

Celebration is happy that we found another Ramadan in this life time; that we had enough good health to collect Allah’s Blessings in this bountiful month; that we are surrounded by those whom we love and who love us; that we have good food to eat and nice clothes to wear and decent money to spend the way we like; that we have a cozy place to live in cold and hot and rainy and dry weather; that we have access to healthcare and our children have access to education; and that actually we may not be able to count the uncountable Blessings of Allah.

Celebration is quiet because the suffering around us has increased manifold suddenly; that it is much more than we can handle with our resources; that even children are suffering who are supposed to be kept delicately; that the calamities are descending one after another upon us; that we are not learning from our mistakes and not trying to take corrective measures; and that we are insisting on falling further into the abyss of moral, social, physical, mental, spiritual and financial corruption.

EID MUBARAK BROTHERS AND SISTERS

I PRAY TO ALLAH THAT WE DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER EID LIKE THIS IN OUR LIFETIME AND BEYOND. AAMEEN

Boy Image Courtesy Matheus Bertelli @ pexels.com

Eid ul Fitr Mubarak – Blog Post #333 by Asrar Qureshi Dear Colleagues!  This is Pharma Veterans Blog Post #333. Pharma Veterans welcomes sharing of knowledge and wisdom by Veterans for the benefit of Community at large…