#i think i never strived for my dreams because how every year i wanted to be unalive. and every new dream came out to tell me

[saylorsaysstop]

REPUTATION ERA | Bat Boys

What song/lyrics describe your relationship with a Bat Boy?

↪ Likes, reblogs, and comments are always welcome! ⭐️

↪ My Masterlist

BRUCE WAYNE 🖤 | KING OF MY HEART

"Late in the night, the city's asleep Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep Change my priorities The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury."

When Bruce Wayne saw you, he was starstruck. Women had enticed him throughout his years as Gotham's most eligible bachelor but none of those women made him come to a dead stop in the middle of a crowded room and lose his breath. But you did.

The moment his hand brushed yours in greeting, his heart somersaulted in his chest. This feeling, this emotion - it was foreign to him. Alfred had never seen Master Wayne speechless. As he strives to protect Gotham, Bruce does the same with your heart.

You were royalty in his eyes. The way you commanded a room with the simple wave of a hand, how you impressed anyone who crossed your path. It was an immediate decision Bruce made in his head that he couldn't survive another night without you being his.

He was the king of secrets considering his masked identity, but Bruce never felt the urge to keep his love for you a secret. He wanted to lock the two of you behind closed doors, not because he was embarrassed or ashamed, but because he was terrified of another man sweeping you off your feet. Bruce Wayne. Scared to lose a woman. Who would've thought?

No fancy car or gadget could ever compare to the soft luxury of your lips on his. Bruce loved to say that you were a drug and he was an addict, never wanting to go to rehab to get you out of his system.

What's Gotham going to think when he finally gets engaged to you?

DICK GRAYSON 💙 | DRESS

"Inescapable, I'm not even gonna try And if I get burned, at least we were electrified I'm spilling wine in the bathtub You kiss my face and we're both drunk Everyone thinks that they know us But they know nothing about,"

The love between you and Dick is like touching a live wire. It electrified and every spark between you is brighter than the rest. He started as your best friend and quickly turned into more- so much more. Nights where you raided Bruce's alcohol stash after Wayne Manor parties, both of you drunk and making out like teenagers with your hands all over each other.

The confessions of love spoken in private between each other. The line of your friendship was easily blurred the moment Dick made it known that he had such strong feelings for you. The first time his lips brushed yours, you were nearly swept off your feet at the erupting butterflies in your belly.

Dick became a lifeline. He made you feel beautiful. Everyone thought they knew the story between you and Dick, but needless to say, no one knew the truth. You and Dick have a love that people desire for themselves.

JASON TODD ❤️ | CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT

"'Cause my baby's fit like a daydream Walkin' with his head down, I'm the one he's walkin' to So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to My baby's fly like a jet stream High above the whole scene, loves me like I'm brand new So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to,"

Jason getting close to someone after everything he endured hadn't been easy. But when his heart leaped ahead ten paces before his mind could and he found himself entangled with you, he knew he belonged nowhere else except in the comfort of your arms. Jason stole your breath the moment you laid eyes on him. With his honed physique and dark hair, you were a sucker for whatever he had in store for you.

You loved Jason more than the world. He claimed to never own you, although he found it undeniably attractive to know you wear a chain around your neck with a little J dangling from it. You loved the idea of him being yours and you would gladly sport your love in public for the man.

Jason wasn't quick to add a label to what you two were doing, afraid that he'd jump too far ahead. He had been let down so many times in his life that he wasn't willing to sacrifice his heart for a woman... But when you laid in his arms and told him you wanted him for good, Jason's anxiety was immediatley lifted, and Red Hood's heart cracked to let line and golden warmth whoosh through it.

He vowed to make every day spent with him better than the last, even if some nights he came home in defeat. He knew that when he got to hold you in his arms, everything he worked so hard to fight for would be worth it.

TIM DRAKE ☕️ | DELICATE

"Long night with your hands up in my hair Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs Stay here, honey, I don't wanna share."

What Tim didn't admit to his brothers and Bruce first was the nature of his relationship with you. Tim had always been the cautious one, the one who thought of everything from beginning to finish. So when he stumbled across you and wound up in bed with you that night for a string of hookups that quickly became more, Tim knew he was in it with you for the long run.

Your little apartment thirty minutes away from Wayne Manor was easy to access for Tim to sneak to after patrol. You gave him a spare key and the moment you'd hear his footsteps on your staircase, your adrenaline would skyrocket, your skin would grow hot, and before you knew what was happening, Tim's hands would be running through your hair and claiming your mouth in the dirtiest of ways.

Your entire relationship with him from the first spark to the inferno that rages between you two had been nothing short of delicate. You didn't have such a good reputation in Gotham City, especially as the daughter of a crimelord Batman was in the throes of stopping, but Tim couldn't care less because you were good.

The thought of sharing Tim with anyone else infuriated you. With such a delicate relationship blooming between the two of you, you swore with everything in you that you'd treat Tim with the utmost loyalty and respect, two values he had no issue giving in return.

#dick grayson fluff #dick grayson #nightwing #dick grayson x reader #tim drake x reader #tim drake fluff #red robin fluff #jason todd fluff #jason todd x reader #red hood x reader #batman x reader #bruce wayne x reader #bruce wayne

[imagine-silk]

May I request something with Nick? Like, Sole was a detective who worked with the Nick who Nick was based off of? So Nick would definitely be surprised to see Sole. I could kinda see that perhaps this could cause a bit of inner conflict with Nick too. Thank you for considering my request, hun!

》I need to learn how to make dividers. If any of you know how to make them let me know. (oh my god I never knew I liked to be called 'hun' (⸝⸝⸝╸▵╺⸝⸝⸝))

Nick back then was different for obvious reasons. The war was still going on but it was still not a lost cause, and he didn't encounter it day to day by force but by choice. He was married to Jenny, the girl of his dreams that he always thought was out of his league. His identity was unquestioned and never in doubt and he never had a problem with his body. He was happy with his life.

You had a huge influence on him. When he met you he was just barely out of his cop uniform and getting used to wearing what he wanted. You were the one he was assigned to to learn the ropes. Something you weren't very happy about in the beginning but you were never mad at him, he wasn't the one to make the call. So you showed him what you did and taught him what you knew at the time.

From the start he wanted to make a good impression and was very eager to please. It took a second for him to calm it down. He still admired you. After his tutelage was done neither of you asked for a change. It was silently agreed you were partners, no talk needed.

You were there when he scanned his brain. It was for college students and their studies. You told him it was strange and to think twice about it but he laughed and said it was for science. That's the last memory he had when he woke up in the trash.

While he was adjusting he stumbled a lot. Then when he was welcomed into Diamond city and given his agency he tried to take hold of his life. The way he did was to pretend like he was you, to do what you would do, to take authority and be the one in charge. Over the years he changed. After a lot of reflection he realized you wouldn't have wanted that, you didn't want him to be you. You would want him to be the best version of himself. So he strive to be the person you saw in him.

Time stopped for him when you saved him in the vault. He felt so many different things. And he saw your confusion. You were under the impression he survived like you did, because no one told you he was a synth. Neither of you remember who said you should get moving but one of you did.

At the agency you asked your companion to wait outside for this reunion. "Nicki." A nickname you always called him by fondly. "You do remember me, right?"

What was he supposed to do, lie to you? But that was the problem. How much of him was a lie? He tried to explain but that made him think in circle. He did remember you but he wasn't yours, he wasn't who you remembered. He wasn't Nick. But he did know you. He still wanted to please you. He wanted you to see what he made of himself and tell him he did good. But you weren't his to claim because he wasn't Nick. But he was. He was Nick and there was no running away from that.

You hushed him, "It's okay. If you want to go back to us we'll do that. If you want me to be a stranger we can do that. I'll go at your pace. No matter if you're my Nick or your own. And if you never want to see or speak to me again I'll leave after we find Shaun." Again you put the ball in his court, just like he remembered. And he knew whatever he said you would pick the ball up and play the game with his rules.

"I'm not him. I'm not. But I want to be with you again." It was all so much. He knew you but you didn't know him. Somehow you knew exactly what he meant; I want you to know the me now.

He never really thought about how much he missed you in the last couple of years but now that you were here it was kind of embarrassing. You hired him to help you but he still looked up to you. It felt like he was hired help instead of a private eye. Every step of the way you smiled and told him he was doing a good job.

Throughout your time together you bond. It's different but familiar, it's built on what you had and became what was new.

He actually held Shaun once. He actually held him several times but he only remembered the first. This was personal for him too. The child of his best friend.

He was so confused when you came back through the telepad without Shaun. He followed you when you stormed away to your house and saw your break down. "I lost everything. Every fucking thing! My world, my wife, my partner, and now my son. What am I here for? Who do I need to kill-" You stopped when you saw his face and realized what you said. "That's not what I meant. Nicki. Nick!" You called out but he was out the door.

There he was hiding in his office like he did after your first fight on the job. But that was the problem wasn't it, he wasn't the one you upset at the time. Of course you knew he was hiding there and showed up. He didn't stop you when you sat down next to him. "Do you remember-"

"I probably do." It was bitter and pointed but you continued.

"Not like that. Yesterday I said 'tomorrow this will all be over'. And you said?"

"'It's not over until the fat lady sings'."

You chuckled, smiled, like nothing was wrong. You were so good at that. "That was the first time I'd ever heard that. You, Nick, never said that. It surprised me. What a weird saying. You're not Nick, I know that. I lost him. But I have you."

You'd just found out you lost everything from before the war and here he was being selfish, having the gall to need reassurance from you. The sweet thing was he knew you would tell him that was a stupid thought and you'd always have time for him no matter how silly. "You do have me." Like that he tilted and put his head on your shoulder.

#ask and you shall receive #fallout 4 #fallout imagines #fallout x reader #gender neutral reader #nick valentine #i leaned into using nate but it can be nora

[kurolumiis]

₊˚a story in which you are able to see your soulmate in your dreams every other night. you keep seeing a man appearing in your dreams, but you never believed in love. that is, until you meet him.

warnings — bsd x fem!reader, minor bsd spoilers (but it’s an au), ada!dazai, angst, fluff, romance, mentions of traumatic backstories & self-medication, reader has a dream job as a veterinarian, reader has an ability similar to midoriya’s mother from bnha (being able to make small objects float), reader has an emotional support dog along with a cat

MASTERLIST

notes: bro i hope this is good

You never believed in love. Even if you were destined to be with a person for the rest of your life, you had no interest in finding them. You had other things to do–better things to do, like strive towards your dream job and enjoy your life to the fullest. Becoming a veterinarian has been a dream of yours since you were a child.

You’ve had a passion for helping animals after they’ve done so much for you. You simply wanted to return the favor. However, you were currently taking a gap year to bring yourself into a better mental state.

Rosa, your cat, meowed, curling up in your lap. Chi, your emotional support dog, whimpered, trying to nudge your cat off your lap. Your animals had a jealousy feud that you hoped would die down. You only recently got this emotional support dog, so you hoped they would ease up to each other. You were currently eating dinner and watching a Studio Ghibli movie. They were your comfort movies–perfect ones to curl up and just enjoy the amazing scenery and phenomenal characters and storylines. If only you could be transmitted to the mystical fairytale-like world of a Studio Ghibli film. 

But alas, life is not a fairytale. It is filled with hardships and challenges you must overcome. You knew that all too well.

Suddenly, you heard your doorknob jiggle. Fearing someone was trying to break in, you grabbed Rosa and hurried her and Chi into your bedroom, shutting the door, in order to keep them safe. You ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife before heading over to your front door and held your back against it. 

“Stupid, stupid Y/n,” you muttered, not even thinking about grabbing your phone in a state of panic. Slowly, you inched away from the door and rushed to grab your phone on the coffee table in front of the sofa. You dialed the police and held your phone to your ear with a shaky hand. 

“What’s your emergency?” A male voice came from the other line. “There’s someone trying to break into my house! Please, please hurry,” you said frantically. The door burst open and a scream erupted from your mouth. However, a brunet man yanked the intruder back and slammed him to the ground. “Ma’am, is everything alright?” The voice spoke on the other line. “Th–There’s a man he…he pulled the person breaking in out of my home and threw him on the ground,” you stumbled over your words. The sound of sirens rang in your ears, coming from a distance. “What is your address, ma’am?” “I–” “Don’t worry, those sirens are for us!” The brunet man called out, holding the intruder's hands behind his back. “How can I trust you?” You shouted at him. 

It was then that the sirens approached your home and several police cars appeared in front. You didn’t dare move from your position, as if your feet were glued to the ground out of fear. The police arrested the man and questioned you and the brunet. 

When the police left, the man finally faced you. “I apologize for this intrusion. I didn’t think he’d try to break into somebody’s house–let alone a lovely lady like you,” he told you. Your eyes widened at the man, not because of his flirtatious remark, but because of the fact he was the man from your dreams–your soulmate. 

“I’m Dazai Osamu,” he introduced himself formally. “Nice to meet you, Dazai-San, but you really must be going now,” you explained, beginning to turn to enter your house again. “Wait, that’s no way to treat your soulmate!” He complained. So he did know. You paused in your steps, turning around. 

“Look, I have no interest in marrying my soulmate or even being in the same vicinity as them. So, you can just leave and live a cozy life with some other person,” you told him, crossing your arms and staring at him. “Isn’t that what people dream of though?” “Not everyone, I just have bigger priorities other than love,” you explained, shrugging.

“Hmm, well if that’s the case, I’ll see you, mystery girl,” he said, smirking. Dazai began walking away, leaving you to sigh heavily and enter your home. Entering your bedroom, you let your pets out. Returning to the sofa, you tried continuing your movie and eating your dinner, but had an uneasy feeling in your stomach.

“Y/n, when will you be attending college?” Your mother asked, causing you to drop your utensils on the plate below you, making a clattering sound. Tucking your bottom lip between your teeth, you huffed angrily. “Mom, I’m trying to improve my health,” you briefly explained, trying not to get agitated and say something you don’t mean.

Chi noticed your stressed state, rubbing the bridge of her nose against your leg. “It’s been ten years. You have got to get it together, you’re an adult now,” your mom pleaded. You sighed, not wanting to have this conversation in public. “I know, mom.” You kept your voice down. “I’m serious, I’m not gonna be here much longer. You’re going to have to figure things out for yourself.”

You sighed, running a hand down your face. “Yeah, yeah, I know,” you mumbled, shaking your head. You were well aware you’d lose your mom someday, yet you still prayed that day never came. After all the loss in your life, you craved someone to be with you forever. Someone you can form a connection with. 

Your mind drifted back to the man who saved you from the intruder. Your soulmate. It was like a nightmare come true. You didn’t want love, but you needed love. You tried pushing it away as much as you could but the desire never went away.

Brushing it off, you continued to poke at your salad with your fork. It wasn’t like you were going to see him again, so you shouldn’t even be thinking about him. He’s probably off thinking about another person as well.

SIghing, you tried taking a bite of your meal. Your appetite hasn’t been very large since the age of 16. It might’ve been stress-induced, but you weren’t too sure. 

After finishing your meal, you and your mother parted ways. “Think about what I said,” she told you, ruining your mood again. You had just forgotten about it. Shaking your head, you began heading to your car with Chi. 

You dropped her off at home and drove to your job at a local nightclub. You worked as a bartender and earned a hefty wage, completely oblivious to the fact that it was solely because your employer was into you. 

“Hey babe,” Kaori, your best friend, said, glancing at you before continuing to change into her attire. “Hey Ri,” you replied back, beginning to change. “You will not believe what happened to me…” You recalled the attempted break-in that occurred the previous night. “No way, what the hell?” She exclaimed, turning when you finished tucking in your shirt. 

“I wanna spot a cute guy in the crowd tonight and make him mine!” Kaori giggled. “Yeah, make him yours for one night. Then you’ll be onto the next guy,” you chuckled, exiting the changing room. “No, I'm serious. I wanna settle down.” Your eyes widened. The thought of your best friend, who was usually a party animal and took a new guy home every night, settling down seemed impossible.

“Well, it’s your life and it’s up to you.” Kaori nodded eagerly and placed her arm around your shoulder.

kurolumiis productions, 2024

#☁️ in my dreams! #bungo stray dogs #bsd #bsd x y/n #bsd x you #bsd x reader #bsd fluff #bsd dazai osamu #dazai osamu bsd #dazai bsd #bsd dazai #dazai osamu #osamu dazai #dazai fluff #dazai x you #dazai x y/n #dazai x reader #dazai angst

[angellic-critique]

Honestly my biggest fear is to end up writing my characters the same way vivzie does, I feel like she doesn't even try on certain characters(female characters and literally any other that isn't her "uwu baby boi must be protected at all costs" characters like stolas, angel dust). Like imagine completely missing the point of your own character/srs

to everyone pre-release worries and anxieties just as much as I have-- Please take this time to read or explore different interests of books or authors of subjects and genres you like ! In the era of internet where the golden age of information is rusting into brainrot, the less time online anymore the better. I've been taking javascript/python tutorials for myself attempting to make a dating simulator for literal years at this point and its bounced around to the point of where I branched off to develop my own murder mystery 2-d sidescroller !

I wish for this to be a farewell letter to the crushed hopes and dreams I had for the original hazbin pilot and crew has moved on to other things whereas viv attempted to spitefully keep a story she clearly doesn't have any passion over- it is very evident over her lack of care for her own characters purely for the monetary gains of attempting and sadly wriggling her way into industry the way she did is so abhorrent to the world of genuine art and animation I grew up with.

Has Vivzie ever read a Felix the Cat comic strip or Dilbert even Hägar The Horrible? Does she even know about the history and strive of depth that animation has been at for hundreds of years? Does she even like comics, clearly not if she doesn't even have the patience to write her own and horribly rush whichever story she's interested in that day. I've never seen a careless writer be this selfishly unashamed to write literal garbage and surface level 'intrigue' of design and then falling flat face first at EVERY step. Hope she becomes as unbearable of a director as John K. is because honestly even though I'm cringing making that comparison, it's pretty fair in my book considering the outright ABUSE she has always trying to talk or hoard artists into her 'pet project' I recommend above anything else to watch Dan Stamanolous' 'Moral Orel' if you want an actually funny dark comedy or Christy Karacas' fast paced dark horror comic-come-to-life Superjail! for good animattion that doesn't belittle its audience... *[Trigger Warnings for Adult Swim-esque outdated 2007 humor and light transphobia, read for your own triggers if you dont want to though, please!]

The fact that Stollitz is written so flimsily like a wattpad fanficiton of tropes rolled into one is astounding to me, I used to like the dynamic pre-season 2 as I've mentioned on here and @tired-hellowl so I really don't want to get a headache going into how I USED to like it-Realizing the problematic consent issues all of STOLASS is, I physically cannot watch another Helluva or Hazbin promo anymore without rolling my eyes into the back of my head.

To the anons and people who used to also enjoy vivs work, there are other artists and there are other stories to tell. If you wish to be inspired from Dante's Inferno/Hell or WESTERN CHRISTIAN BASED RELIGION keep in mind what source material you're doing because I don't even think vivzie has picked up the bible once in her life.... And I say this as a drifter in the world who believes in reincarnation I don't really vibe with the athiest stereotypes however, I don't believe in most religion but more power to people that do get hope and love from their teachings and cultures.

She entirely missed the mark for several years, nearly a decade. Viv has had time and time again chance and opportunity to give a chance of storytelling with demons and what does she do? Adult Cartoon that has the demons scream 'FUCK SHIT DAMNIT DAMNIT LOOK IM SO HORNY AND SILLY AND WACKY WOAHH THE SCREEN IS CONSTANTLY MOVING YOU CAN NEVER HAVE A SECOND TO BREATH IN ANY AMOUNT OF WORLBUILDING OR SETTING BECAUSE FUCK. YOU.'--

I have said this time and time again- there is no substance or worth about Helluva Bosses or Hazbins writing, even without the show not being released because Amazon seems ashamed about it, I know it'll be a shitshow.

Honestly at this point I agree with the redesign community, take any character you used to like and rewrite them until it's unrecognizable from the original source material, let those fuckers in space fight alien pirates or hell take them out of the heaven and hell trope and just flip it on it's head entirely out of earth or wherever you want to set your story! I'm personally redesigning angel to be a slight aid to my addiction help via rewriting him into my murder mystery heheh while keeping the sexual abuse and recovery in mind because woah that shit happened to me too man !!!

I wish the best to any future writers, animators, programmers, lovers of animation or art, you can do what you put your mind and hands to! Spread more positivity and love then hate in this world please guys, this'll be the last time I pop in I promise I'm trying to get a better job and hopefully get accepted in a community college that i've been on the fence over trying to do more online coding ! The sky is the limit!<3

#anti vivziepop #trash askbox #helluva critical #i dont want to be mean in the tags and overtag like i usually do #however #vivziepop critical #please stop supporting spindlehorse #please stop supporting vivziepop #anti helluva boss #genuine art criticism #genuine art tip box #<3 signing off #!!! <3 #my.silley.art

[wordsinhaled]

you're bodyguard AU???? I am fucking FERAL rn just fffffffffffffffff

THANK YOU ANON!!!! fully same here, i am not normal about it at all

like...

dream gives off such aloof monarch energy in 1389??? so i imagine he feels the last thing he needs is some former mortal following him around the dreaming and the waking to “defend” him. he scoffs at the entire idea!

except... when he met hob gadling in that tavern, hob was not at all what he anticipated, and dream couldn’t help feeling like he needed to save him, so he offered him the choice to come to the dreaming instead of the sunless lands. he expects the bodyguard role to be a sort of formality, because he doesn’t need a bodyguard after all, nor does he want one, and his sister thinks she knows what he needs, and... brooding huff!!!

so... dream sort of does the bare minimum for hob, which for anyone else is actually above and beyond, especially if you’re a 14th century commoner back on earth. he gives hob quarters in the palace that are humble by dream’s standards, but nicer than anything hob has ever encountered. hob gets a uniform that is made of the finest fabric he has ever touched. dream starts off sort of indifferent to him, expecting him to sort of mind his own business and be around whenever dream decides he’s needed, which results in hob having some degree of free reign to secretly hang about with lucienne and explore—as long as he doesn’t step on anyone’s toes, especially not mercurial and distant dream’s

but when hob arrives in the dreaming, he’s just fascinated by everything (i mean, imagine him just absolutely in awe of lucienne’s library; when hob died it was almost a hundred years before the printing press, and here are all these books! and because he’s in the dreaming, anything is possible: he can read them, and he can learn languages real and imagined—but he wants to put in the actual labor of learning most of them)... he loves the gardens and the vineyards and the whimsy of the dreaming. and basically hob gadling sets about quietly learning the ways of the dreaming and improving himself because that’s just hob, always striving toward something

and despite himself, dream is taken in by hob’s enthusiasm and curiosity. so dream starts taking him along for his daily duties of office. he expects him to stand in the backs of rooms quietly while dream is with delegations from other realms, and sort of linger and be nondescript while dream visits the waking world. dream is right: hob never really needs to defend him. but hob doesn’t know how to be nondescript; he’s sort of too curious for his own good—about dream’s mind and why he keeps certain counsel, about the politics and the history of the dreaming, about why things work the way they do in the dream realm. dream is exasperated with him often, and answers one in every five of hob’s questions, but there’s a part of dream that sort of starts to appreciate him, you know? this everyman, this boastful nobody from the white horse, whom dream expected nothing of—who challenges dream, and who is thoughtful even in his impertinence, and who irritates him all the time—and yet, and yet!

in my mind it’s very fairytale in vibe as well, there’s the passing of the seasons, and the weather, and dream and color symbolism, and things... you know

then of course there’s got to be some sort of very official dinner that turns out to be an attempt by another realm to stage an invasion of dream’s realm, and first of all hob shows up to this dinner in ceremonial robes and dream against all his better judgment is like, “OH NO HE’S HOT” (of course, because i love that trope, okay, pry it out of my cold hands!!!), but with dream’s particular flavor of self-denial and repression it’s more like, oh no, i absolutely shall not look at him, it does not become me!!! but maybe there’s a poisoning attempt, or the guests are armed, and hob actually does have to defend him, then, and he does it instantly and effectively and with absolute relish, so dream is like “OH NO HE’S EVEN MORE HOT”...

so then suddenly hob Is his bodyguard, but also kind of sort of his friend, and they spend long evenings together drinking the wine dream named after his sister and play chess in dream’s study and every night hob still says, “will that be all, lord morpheus?” before going back to his quarters and every night dream says, “that will be all”... until... hE dOESN’T......

yeah this got away from me BUT I AM !!!! OBSESSED

#the sandman #dreamling #dreamling bodyguard au

[leventart-den]

Interactive ZoSan fanfic. Ch.01

AN:

Hello dear Straw Hearts!

So here we begin our journey with the first chapter of the interactive ZoSan fanfic. Please remember that I am not a writer and English is not my native language. But I will try and I hope we all have fun. I have some ideas but your choices are what decide where the story goes. In the vote, you chose that our story will take place in the canonical One Piece setting. But since I have not yet seen many events and am not familiar with all the characters (I only just met Brook in the anime at the time of writing this but I happily spoiled some things for myself so I know roughly Sanji's story), my vision may conflict with canon. There may also be spoilers here, so be careful. This first chapter is just setting up the scene.

 If you prefer to read on AO3, then the first chapter is here.

This is also beta-readed by wonderful @dad-cahoon ! Thank you so much for your help!

So, without further ado, buckle up and let our journey begin!👀

***

-= My 4am Sun =-

Ch.01 "Distraction and consequences"

Sanji really thinks that Zoro will be the end of him one day. One way or the other. He's such a distraction. And he doesn't even know about it. And Sanji would never tell him. His sword work is blinding. Every time it catches the light and the glare hurts his eyes and Sanji hates it. He hates how it makes him freeze and silently demands “look at me.” 

Look at me. 

Look.

And Sanji looks.

Because he can't not.

And he stares.

Because no one really knows but Sanji loves.

He loves endlessly all the big and small things in this world that he finds beautiful. And now he loves how the 4am sun embraces the swordsman and grazes the steel of his swords. It stole the breath away from him in the same way it did on that momentous day when Zoro took a blow from Mihawk with his arms open and his gaze determined. Something shifted in him that day. Something sparkled and he treasures it still, keeps safe deep in his heart. Sanji will never admit it but Zoro became someone special to him that day. Someone he looked up to and strived to become in some way. Zoro was strong, passionate, and a man of his word. He was ready to follow his dream no matter what. Sanji was the same in some parts. Objectively speaking he was strong and passionate himself, but he always lacked self confidence. He always sought so much less of himself. Although It was always compensated for by him trying his best. And actually doing his best no matter what circumstances he was in (no, we are not talking about his weakness for women in this house). But nevertheless, Sanji was almost always blind to his own achievements. He never praised himself, even a little, and took the praise of others as if it was the biggest treasure. He never thought of himself as deserving anything good but still he dreamed of kindness and love and friendship.. 

And he always wanted to be friends with Zoro. And after all these years, he kind of thought they were. Even though from an outsider's view their friendship looked more like hatred, in reality it was just rivalry and they both loved it, at least Sanji thought Zoro liked it too. 

Sanji enjoyed their bickering and fights, he truly did. But there were times when he could get tired of it. In those moments he really wished they could have a “calm” friendship. Sanji tried from time to time to guide their relationship in that direction, but Zoro never got the message. It always ended up with sharp jokes, insults, or fights and every time Sanji–with an inner sigh–followed Zoro's lead. 

But also Zoro sometimes surprised Sanji by looking weirdly happy, or even proud when seeing the cook coming to the fight scene. It really throws Sanji off every time because he doesn't know what to think of it. It is too weird. And other times Sanji thinks that Zoro may even care for him. Like that time on the sea train when Zoro screamed at him to not go along further and wait for them because it was too dangerous. Of course it was turned into a joke in the end, but nevertheless. And if Sanji would be honest it drives him crazy every time. Every time he thinks they may have their “ordinary friendship” moment, Zoro snatched it away as fast as his swordwork. And once again Sanji sighs and goes along. Although to be fair, Sanji himself often starts the fight or bites first so he has nothing to complain about, really. Right?

Right.

So, he's completely okay with not having a normal friendship with the stupid mosshead.

It's only fair, he thinks. And dives down at the last moment, barely avoiding a killing blow from the enemy. It's a really bad idea to be distracted right now, in the middle of the battle on the deck of their ship. Sanji was actually starting to feel tired, and not only him, judging by the way others were fighting. The attack happened suddenly, late at night. A huge ship appeared as if out of nowhere, fortunately Zoro, who was on watch, quickly raised everyone. Their opponents were fast and tiring. And there were many of them. Although the entire attack was strange, as if they had a specific goal unknown to the Straw Hat Pirates. And their captain hasn't even shown up yet. They were also terribly silent, making the atmosphere of the battle sickeningly depressing and oppressive. Sanji and everyone else were used to the fact that their opponents were usually loud, demanding attention to their person, no matter how deadly, the atmosphere was almost always like a chicken coop fight. Noisy, bright and reckless. That's probably why Luffy loved these moments so much. He had a lot of fun, of course, when the situation wasn't life-threatening for his nakama. But now even their captain looked out of place. 

Suddenly, Sanji felt a long-forgotten but familiar chill running down his back. That kind of dark anxiety that cannot be explained because there is no reason for it.. But nevertheless, something inside begins to scream heart-rendingly, “run!”

And perhaps Sanji would have run, if in the next moment he had not felt a firm push of someone's palm to his back. Everything around seemed to freeze for a moment, for one painful heartbeat. The place where palm touched felt numb, but after a moment there was a tingling spreading throughout his body along with an increasing ringing in his ears. His head started to hurt. For a second he thought something had snapped inside him and a terrible heat exploded. He couldn't even scream.

He took a breath.

And blinked. 

And time seemed to rush forward again, drowning him in a cacophony of sounds

He felt confused. What just happened? Where was he? What was he doing?… Why is it so light already?

He almost jumped out of his skin when he heard a familiar voice next to him.

"Hey Sanji! I'm terribly hungry, can you cook something? No, not something, meat! A lot of meat!" Luffy slapped him on the shoulder as he passed by, making him step forward from the force of the impact. He shouldn't have though. Of course, their captain was many times stronger than any of them, but such a movement should not have moved Sanji so easily. He almost lost his balance. He felt shaken.

He blinked again, gritting his teeth and realizing that there was no cigarette in his mouth. He couldn't light a new one though. Not now, when his hands are shaking so much, hastily hidden in his pockets.

He looked around. Everyone went in different directions. The battle was over, they were moving away from the smoking ship of the unknown pirates behind them. Judging by the sun, it was now about eight in the morning. He lost time.

He lost time.

Sanji swallowed nervously. He should think about something else. He can't spiral  now. He can't fall apart. Not here where everyone can see him. He must be just tired... There is no reason to worry and especially no reason to give others reasons to worry. It sounded stupid even in his own head, but he has no choice but to persuade himself like this at such moments. He has a lot of practice. He just needs to hold on a little longer. 

And he will. 

He always does.

He exhaled, glad that Luffy did not wait for his answer and apparently did not notice his confusion. He will think about everything later, but now he needs to get to breakfast. Everyone is probably terribly exhausted and needs to replenish their strength. Sanji would make them the best breakfast he could. Something from rice. And not at all because the stupid Marimo loves rice dishes. Again. Sanji will never admit it, but he loves to surprise that stupid swordsman. He feels it as a small victory and grins proudly every time he sees that he likes his food.

He thought to himself as he walked to the kitchen and desperately tried to ignore the trembling which threatened to take over all of him. Nervousness was creeping through his entire body and as soon as the door to his personal temple slammed shut, hiding Sanji from prying eyes, he leaned against it wearily, hastily taking out a new cigarette and lighting it. It took him several attempts before a small flame touched the tobacco tip. He took a drag and exhaled, closing his eyes and resting the back of his head on the wooden surface.

He lost time. A few hours. What happened at that time? Has he passed out? Is he even awake now? No, no. He can't go there. He will drive himself crazy. He can't afford it. He must trust his crew. If he's passed out and it's a dream, they'll wake him up. If not, then to hell with it. Whatever happened during the lost time is not so important if no one asked him about it. 

As if in mockery, the hand mark on his back reminded him of itself with an already familiar numbness, as if someone else's palm was still touching him. It was disgusting.

"Fuck." His hand hit the wall before he even thought about what he was doing. He desperately tried to convince himself that everything was okay, but the truth is that he is scared to the guts. Sanji takes a breath and relaxes the fingers that he hadn’t noticed he had clenched into a fist.

Okay…

Okay.

Breakfast.

Taking another drag from his cigarette and exhaling through his nose, Sanji determinedly headed to the countertop, gathering the necessary ingredients as he went. After washing his hands, he took out a cutting board and a knife, forcing his hands to stop shaking, feeling the pressure in the back of his head starting to build up again. It made his ears ring disgustingly. He ignored it, clenching the cigarette between his teeth and starting to chop the vegetables. He will do what he should do. For what he became a member of this crew. Sanji would not allow himself to be a burden or a problem for this team. For his team, he corrected himself. Because he's part of it. He should not forget or deny it, even if at times he considers himself unworthy. 

His knife made the first “knock”, cutting through the vegetables and connecting with the board. 

It sounded oddly muffled.

He blinked.

Sanji watched dumbfoundedly as something was burning in a frying pan. He choked on his breath, dropping the extinguished cigarette from his mouth and hurried to turn off the heat, putting the frying pan aside. Feeling the world shift from the sudden movement, he hurried to grab the countertop to steady himself. A cold shiver ran through his body, his heart was pounding wildly, and his bones and muscles ached as if he had just taken a severe beating. Sanji sucked in a raspy breath, watching with incomprehension as dark blood dripped onto the surface of his precious kitchen, staining it. He touched his face, feeling the warm stickiness running down his lips and chin. 

This was wrong. 

He never bled out of the blue.

Sanji heard laughter coming from somewhere outside and winced. He hurried to the sink, washing the blood from his face and then wiped the countertop with a napkin, tossing it in the trash and throwing the scraps on top. 

He almost sank to the floor after that, but kept himself on his feet, making an incomprehensible quiet whining sound through his teeth, full of anger and something deeply painful. 

He felt weak. 

Again. 

He didn't understand what was happening or why. 

He will be a burden to them. 

He did not want that. 

Fucking hell. 

He didn't want it.

His eyes stung, but he took a breath. He must stop.

Breakfast.

He looked around the kitchen. Everything was ready, all that remained was to set the table.

Whatever happened to him during the lost time, his body apparently continued to work. That was good.

A small mercy.

He took another breath and lit another cigarette. His body ached, but felt calmer. It felt as if it was healing. Maybe it was. 

Okay.

He will set the table, get through breakfast and then decide what to do.

He's not weak. Not anymore. He can handle it.

Sanji felt something was torn somewhere in his body, he felt cold. He spat the blood into the sink and washed it off with water. 

He'll get through this, damn it.

.

.

.

TBC.

====================================

If you made it to the poll you probably read the chapter, so thank you for that!

It's time to decide where the story will go next! Keep in mind that some choices may lead to similar results just in a different way.

#sanji #zosan #zoro #one piece #black leg sanji #roronoa zoro #vinsmoke sanji #sanji is not a vinsmoke #ZoSan fanfic “My 4am Sun” #Leventart interactive fanfic #sanji angst #zosan angst #zosan fanfic #mention of blood #hurt Sanji #Sanji whump #4am sun meaning will be explained #if I missed any important tags let me know

[le-sserafims-blog]

🌸 Thankfully, I was able to spend my birthday meaningfully, so came here late 😭😭

Once again, thank you so much for congratulating me on my birthday, FEARNOT 🥹🥹🥹🥹🩷

Wow!!!

I'm 26 years old!!!

I've already been an idol for half my life!! 🤔 LOL

Very surprising...

It's amazing... When I first started as an idol, I never imagined what the future brings. I always thought life was unpredictable, but I've been able to continue this far because of the people around me who always support me. I'm so grateful for that :)

When I was young, my birthday was a happy day when I could receive gifts and eat what I liked. It was a day when I felt like the arrow was pointing towards me, so I always eagerly waited for my birthday feeling excited.

After turning 20, I started to feel a bit anxious about birthdays... 😅

Honestly, I felt a little scared that my time as an idol was getting shorter...lol

And recently, especially this birthday, it became a birthday with a slightly different meaning for me.

I realized that birthdays are not only about receiving congratulatory greetings, but also about being able to express gratitude to the people around me.

It's a bit embarrassing, but for the first time in my life (excluding my school days), I wrote letters to each my family members and gave them as gifts for my birthday this year!

I felt grateful knowing that my family was preparing gifts because we could spend my birthday together with them after a long time. I wanted to express my gratitude to them as well.

As I wrote about how grateful I am for giving birth to me and raising me for 26 years, many emotions have overwhelmed me, so I was writing the letters while holding back tears... 😅

And seeing my parents shedding tears while reading the letters that i gave, I felt a mix of emotions.

At a young age, they've been worried endlessly about their daughter entering this world, living far away where she isn't within easy reach, likely feeling lonely... I felt sorry, but still, seeing my parents shedding tears while sincerely supporting my dreams made me think this way.

Latelt, I've actually been feeling that there would come a time when the effort I keep putting in for myself will reach its limit— like the effort, if it's all just for myself, might exhaust me, reaching some sort of emotional limit. But seeing my parents, I started to feel that maybe working hard for someone else could be another way.

If I think that all my efforts are for myself only, I feel like I might lose strength when I detach from that passion, and it would be even harder when results don't come. But when I think about supporting my parents who sincerely cheer me on, and for FEARNOTs who support me as passionately, and for the members and staff who share the same dream, strangely, I feel energized.

These are just my thoughts, but I believe that to be able to continue something for a long time, perhaps this kind of mindset is also necessary :)

I received so much love from many people on my birthday this year. It made me truly happy to realize that there are so many FEARNOTs around the world celebrating my birthday and supporting me.

The online world continues expanding and may not always spread positivity every day, but I'm still grateful for the internet because it allows me to know that there are people who like me and celebrate my birthday. 😊

I remember my mom saying once on my birthday, "I hope you become an idol who, just like your name which holds the meaning "may good things bloom," receive congratulations from many people.' Following my mom's wish, I was able to become an idol who is indeed loved by many people.

I have experienced many failures and I'm learning various things as a person, but I've come to think that I'm happy with who I am now. Everyone has imperfections and areas where they are still immature, but I believe that's how we can continue to grow.

Im still in the process of learning a lot about myself, and every day, I strive to be a better version of myself than I was yesterday, continuing to reflect and improve along the way.

The world may sometimes be noisy with negativity, but I still believe that there are many happy, positive, joyful, and precious things in this world. Despite its flaws, I still find this world beautiful.

It's not all good, but it's not all bad either.

I wish to be the kind of person in your life who brings even a little bit of positivity and goodness. :)

Thank you for celebrating my 26th birthday with me, and please continue to support me in the future as well. ☺️

#le sserafim #weverse #le sserafim sakura

[ouroborosorder]

Hello! I saw your post about Dorothy's module and wanted to ask if you could share the English text, if you don't mind? ;w; Aceship only has the CN and it doesn't seem to be on the wikis from what I can find, haha. Thank you!

Yeah, totally! They're on wiki.gg but annoying as fuck to find due to weird layout. When you click on the module, they're under "description" with the "show/hide" tab on the right. It's a little unintuitive but they've got them all there still:

---

An ear-bleeding klaxon pierces the night, a girl shaken from her dream. Sand flies about the base's entire perimeter, the storm beating violently against every door and window. Subconsciously, the girl thinks to call for her mother, but remembers none of the Pioneer grown-ups are in the base right now, out on their exploration missions. A massive boom. The roof of the temporary living quarters is battered. Malevolent yellow monsters close in. The girl cannot run, only shrink back into the corner of her bed. From deep underground, up floats a silver light that lands upon her cheek, very much like her mother's hand would. The girl hugs her mother's storybook tight. She recalls her telling tale after tale. From those gentle passages, she strives to draw some courage. The storm curls through layer upon layer of sand. Brighter grows the silver light, which transforms into a gleaming ribbon and gently lifts the girl up. Into a silver dreamland she falls. In this cool yet warming reverie, she flies on moonlight, the storm and monsters never to catch up. "…how is she now?" "Vital signs normal. She's been spooked a little, but she'll be awake real soon." "Do you think those waves of abnormal energy just now…" "Earliest Pioneer records say this silver stuff's a special material that goes by the name of 'Transmitter,' developed by a scientist who joined a Pioneer Team voluntarily. Pioneers liked to call it 'Silver Slippers,' because it always helped anyone in trouble get home." "Wasn't that… back when this frontier first got broken in, all those years ago? I honestly thought it was just a legend." "Nope. It's real." Atop the sickbed, the girl opens her eyes. "Mom…" "Mommy's right here." "Mom, where'd she go? The one who owned the 'Silver Slippers'…" Her mother is silent for a moment, before resolving to tell the girl the truth. "If the records are true, then she did live here. But nobody knows where she went after that. Maybe she went missing on some deep delve, or maybe… she went of her own will, onto the next frontier, and the one after that, ever further out." Through the girl's eyes flashes a brief sense of disappointment. But very shortly, she catches sight of the storybook by her bedside, and springs up, grabbing it and hugging it close to her chest. "I get it, Mom. She's the same as the hero in the storybook you gave me, right?" "The… the girl who's always journeying on?" "Yeah, she's my favorite!" "Apparently, its author was an early Pioneer too. Who was based on what, we can't be sure…" "It's real." The girl's eyes twinkle with light. "She'll see her family again, and she can make dreams real, because I know it. She's just like me."

---

#arknights

[s0methingmoonlit]

So what if O!Sky was soft?

Ah, the brainrot just won’t go away. I think FNF Soft is wonderful! Mostly because the concept and aesthetic, and Grace! She’s my favorite of the bunch. Oh, I could ramble on and on about her, but we’re focusing on the Skyverse, especially O!Sky! This is my design for her! I tried my best to imitate Alex’s style, I think it’s pretty good. A little wonky on the limbs though.

Madison has a unique sense of fashion, I mean she wants to look stylish so makes sense. She’s a part time hair stylist, but dreams of becoming a fashion designer. She dyed parts of her hair blue because that was her second favorite color. She loves purple the most, and it’s pretty much 99% of her closet. Madison is not too short, only 5”2. But there are many more people taller than her, which is why she wears platform shoes. I was originally going to make her similar to her sister, but I think it’s better not to do that since that wouldn’t make much sense, mostly because of her backstory. If you wanna read it, just click or tap the magic button (aka keep reading LOL)

The two photos above are two other outfits. Madison’s outfit on her reference sheet is very similar to the second image, only that in the traditional drawing, the skirt is flowing, while in the one above, is a tight skirt, like the one in the third image.

Now let’s get into the backstory…

Madison wasn’t abused in her past like Benjamin was, but instead she heavily bullied someone. Specifically her younger sister. Yes, I do mean the Soft Sky we all know and love.

The Sky Siblings used to live in “The city of Stars” together with their parents. The father worked very busy as a Tailor, so they didn’t suffer too much financially. When they were young, Madison was always the one doing better at… pretty much anything. Sports, art, singing…whatever you name. At least their mom’s eyes. Mom would always give her older daughter attention and neglects her younger daughter. Because of that, Madison liked to treat her sister like crap, always bragging about herself and how she was better while Sky couldn’t “do anything” or was just “stupid and talentless.” She said lots mean things every single time she had a chance to. Their mother always just brushed it off as playful teasing because they were just kids! Kids don’t know morals. Same thing happened with the dad, but unlike mom, he actually started to slowly catch on to Madison’s hateful behavior. He then constantly reminds her to be more nicer to her younger sister, but that didn’t seem to work. He also began noticing that his wife was actually neglecting Sky. Before the siblings started middle school, the parents had a discussion with each other, which then turned into an argument, which lead to them getting a divorce. Sky and their father stayed at home, while Madison and their mother moved to another city. And that’s when Madison slowly starts to realize her behavior that past years. The less she was with her sister, the more days that went on, the more she felt guilty for her past actions. Her superiority complex slowly turned into an inferiority complex.

Nowadays, she’s much more mature, but isn’t very open to others. In other words, she’s very mysterious. She has a nice facade in order to please customers at her job, but in college she’s very avoidant of others. Like I said before, she strives to become a fashion designer, but also mustn’t reveal too much of herself. So yeah the reason Mother Mairest reminds Madison so much of herself is because she acted too much like her younger self. Also she only sees herself in Marilyn and not Frank is because 1) He’s ugly (at least Marilyn has a decent fashion sense) and 2) Madison never physically hurt Sky, at all. Even as a child she would never go far to physical harm. So no, Madison couldnt have caused that to Sky’s left eye.

Unfortunately, Mama Sky is a not a good mom in this AU. Actually, we know absolutely nothing about O!Sky’s mom OG universe, but I’ve always assumed she’s a good mother! But despite this, Madison still maintains a good relationship with mom. I mean, Mama Sky isn’t manipulative or abusive towards her, just was playing the favorite game in the worst way possible. I know many parents play favorites but this mother just takes it too far

“Ok, but what about Benjamin Fairest? What does Madison think of him?” Good question! You see… I actually didn’t think that far. Well, this is literally called the soft AU so the characters should seem less rambunctious and more calm. I guess Madison would just be neutral towards him. Like she wouldn’t care about his existence, she only wants his parents to get a good well deserved punishment. So yeah, he’s just okay in her eyes.

“What about Grace/Pico?” She has no idea who either of them are. Actually she knows the latter, but that’s only because a bunch of people made jokes about him in her high school.

“Wait, Sky Sky Curls?” I headcanon Soft Sky’s real name would be “Libby” but again, it’s only canon in my head, so I tend to stay away from using that.

I went on several different baby name websites for names that meant “heart.” Yes that is a reference to Old O!Sky’s sister being named Hearts. I kinda sorta gave up because I was doing this late at night. I chose Libby, or Libi, because it meant “my heart” or “girl” which isn’t exactly what I wanted, but I guess it was good enough.

Basically Libby was what I personally thought was most fitting for Soft Sky. If you read the small crossed out text, ok then.

Hmm… I guess that’s about all I could say! If you have any more questions, then the ask box is open! I think even people who don’t have a Tumblr and only came from my insta can use the ask box. You can ask anonymously or not.

#Madison doesn’t relate to ugly people /j #took me 3 days but it was worth it #fnf #friday night funkin #fnf art #fnf fanart #fnf soft mod #fnf AU #fnf soft au #fnf sky #Sky fnf #skyverse #fnf skyverse #Skyverse fnf #my art #artists on tumblr #art #fanart #tw child neglect

[analyzing-people-like-hell]

ANALYSIS #2: 03/07/24

A second specimen to add to my collection. A very silly one as well. I hope my research is up to your silly standards as well, #2. :3

Let's take a look at the list you've provided.

Ahh, the classic tragedy of a main character. A hero without a hero's journey. Yours was rather complicated to figure out, but I think I've been able to get a solid enough grasp on you. We'll just have to see if my findings are truly correct. Why don't we take a look at your background first?

"LORE":

A starving artist. You were forced to reach for standards that you never wanted, for you're yearning to follow dreams that may never come true. Yet you strive for them despite this, ignoring the (honestly outdated) standards that people like your family have set for you. Abandoning these kind of harmful traditions would normally be beneficial, if it weren't for the fact that your family looked down on you for it. You try to ignore it to the best of your ability, but it's hard to disregard them when everyone's opinions are so evident at every second of the day. Don't you deserve to live life the way you want to? Is all this cost worth it?

People have left your life without ever giving an explanation as to why. You've gotten used to it, it doesn't seem to bother you as much as it used to, but part of you will always wonder why. There's a child that is still searching for answers. Answers you still cannot give.

Generational trauma. Just generational trauma in general. Your parents were never reliable. The fact that they expected you to be reliable to them probably just made you hate them even more. It feels fucked up. You know it could be worse, but it feels so fucked up that they couldn't even fulfill basic parental responsibilities. Is it so much to ask for them to be dependable for just one moment? For them to be on your side just once? You look at kids with better parental relationships and you hate it. You hate how it makes you want to tear your insides apart. Why couldn't they give you that same kind of love? Why were they never there? It's not fair. It never was, and I'm sorry that you've only gotten half-assed apologies from them.

I'm not here to fix the mistakes of horrid parenting though. (If I could do that I would have been telling people that condoms were a cure-all for life's problems.) What I can do is pinpoint what issues these events might have given you. So why don't we continue onward.

THE TRUTH:

You have strong values because of what you've gone through, but your identity is less developed. You have dreams, but it's almost as if they're not fully fleshed out. Tell me, where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10? It seems like you're always just following along with the world. Things come at you, you don't seek for them. You honestly don't know what you should be seeking for exactly. You know what to avoid, you know what to do, you know the rules; you just don't know what game you're even playing. But you keep throwing your dice. Eventually one of those rolls has to get you what you want, right?

You don't deal with your issues either. Maybe you just don't know how to deal with them. Problems come to you and you sit with them because it's all you were taught. Taught to sit with them and wait until they go away. You can only sit with a caged beast for so long before it breaks its bounds. That thing has already managed to cut you while caged; you are praying it does not kill you when it is free.

I think that same beast has taught you anger. It pisses you off the same way the world pisses you off. Everything does in a way. It's all unfair. It never was fair. Why didn't you deserve better? Why do you get dealt a monstrosity like this? When is it your turn to feel whole again?

You're also one of those people with that weird self esteem issue: the one where you feel completely worthless to the world yet also feel like you're better than everyone else. You're probably a little narcissistic and have heavy swings between hating yourself and being full of yourself. How're those depressive episodes going for you, by the way? Are you still sure you don't need to talk about those with anyone? Actually, why do you rarely tell anyone about these things? Is it the fear of being a burden? Are you scared that the people you tell will start seeing you differently, maybe they'll know too much about you? Or maybe it's the fear that no matter what you do, you'll never be the person you want to be, so you might as well keep going as you are? All valid fears, but none should be valid excuses.

Those aren't the only things holding you back though. Another is your focus. It's hard for you to focus on anything because it all feels so meaningless to you, especially when it feels like you would fit so well in any other universe. You were meant to be saving worlds, not working a 9 to 5. You don't know what you'll do if you end up stuck being ordinary. You want to live. You want to have fun. You want to make life worth it. You need to. 

I'm afraid I can't promise that you'll be able to get all your wishes, but I can promise that one day you will find a way to make life your own. And I have all the proof I need to show you exactly that.

YOUR BEST TRAITS:

You truly are an artist at heart. You're creative and innovative, which helps you make solutions to problems that most might not even think about. Your insight on situations is valuable because of the fact that you're willing to follow your gut. Without your perspective, the world would be losing a vital mark in the pages of its history, so keep using it as your canvas.

You really are a true friend. When you care about people, you make sure to keep their needs in mind. You look out for people when nobody else is. You make sure to keep their best interests in mind while still keeping your own values. You might not be very vocal about it (especially since words might not be your strong suit), but you certainly put in all the effort you can through your actions. You won't ever need words if you continue showing your honesty and loyalty. Those will always be a thousand times more valuable than any word you could find in an age-old dictionary.

You are the heart of your story. When people talk about determination and strength, you are the best example in the room. You lead with your intuition and it makes you powerful because of it. Not all natural leaders have a good heart, so the fact that you are willing to fight for your values no matter the cost really does say something. Once you have your heart truly set on something, it's almost impossible to get you to waver. You might not exactly know what you're fighting for yet, but you'll be unstoppable when that time comes. In the meantime, you must keep trusting in your gut. It's hard to find people who hold themselves in such a way. Don't lose hold of that.

If it weren't for people like you, there would be a lot less hope in the world. You are what makes humanity so beautiful. You are flawed but you never let those flaws stop you. You've made mistakes, you know that, and you are doing everything you can to make up for those mistakes. What makes all of this so much more meaningful is the fact that you stay true throughout all of it. To be truthful and flawed is one of the most admirable traits you can find in any human. You shouldn't be perfect, because perfection is fake, and at least in my opinion, it is much more honorable to fall in authenticity than to rise through forgery. You are a hero. Heroes will always fail. That does not mean it is the end of their story.

Also you're very goober-core :3

And with that, I think I'll leave my thoughts here and take my bow.

With utmost gratitude (and hopefully utmost accuracy),

Dr. WZ

#analysis #multifandom #genshin impact #dead plate #sonic #everything everywhere all at once #dsmp #a silent voice

[rederiswrites]

Posted this on FB, and I suppose I can post it pretty much unaltered here, as well:

A lot of you are probably thinking, "Why would you do this to yourself? Do you even have fun at Pennsic?" and like…that's fair. I have a complex relationship with Pennsic, and it's certainly not all positive. I have to evaluate every year whether it's worth putting myself through what I know will be a grueling experience, definitely physically but also mentally. I whine about prep, and I whine while I'm there (just ask Jacob). But I still almost always decide to go.

I do it for the music, I do it for the colorful joy of the whole site, for everyone's willingness to make the best of what they have. I do it a little bit for the shopping, a little for the food, but overwhelmingly, I actually do it for other people. Not, like, selflessly--I want to see those people, and I do want the aforementioned things--but really, mostly, for other people.

For my kids, who always benefit so tremendously from the expanded social opportunities, from overcoming the challenges, from all the chances to spread their wings, for all the immediate reinforcements for good behavior. Who see music and dancing, try new food, see people striving for the heights of their respective crafts. They get concrete ways to help, a smoother transition into the adult world than modern life offers--every year, my kids leap forward during Pennsic. I would hate to lose that.

And for my campmates, who are my family, and a more important part of my life than much of my blood family. To be with them, of course, and also because we all know how hard it is to overcome the loss of even some of our members, in a small group. I would never voluntarily do that to my dear ones. I share the group's dreams for the future, and losing more members just isn't an option.

Yeah, it was too much. Collapsing is about the definition of it was too much. I was physically uncomfortable pretty much the entire time, and in significant pain for most of it. That's actually--well, at least at home relief is more easily accessible. Every year, we look for ways to make things easier, we make changes that we hope will help. And every year, new challenges arise. Some of this year's challenges were pretty awful. Next year, we'll probably do the same-- make some changes, try to arrange things better in advance, do our best, and keep hoping for the best. Because my loved ones are always worth it, still.

#this is ridiculous #pennsic

[honeybeekao]

can u tell me kaoru lore

aight hello hi len everytime im put on the spot i immediately forget anything and everything ive ever known SO

kaoru hakaze; a fail dissertation.

where do i start... i suppose we begin with his family right? why the fuck he's the way he is? suresies that works!

so he's the youngest out of 3 siblings, with an older brother and sister. and his mom died the year before he started high school (wow fun.) his dad owns a huge family business and theyre Pretty wealthy, like rich as hell meet the tenshouin zaibatsu at gatherings.

SO his mom was the most influential person to him i think, at least that's why he seeks affection and validation so much. she was a marine biologist and took him to the aquarium/beach a lot when he was a kid!! he misses her so much :(

his dad's strict and an asshole i will throw him into the sea ANYWAY he doesn't support kaoru in wanting to be an idol, and they constantly argue whenever around eachother. so like during all of his time at yumenosaki, kaoru avoided going home for as long as possible.

he's supposed to take on the business but kaoru Doesnt wanna do that, and won't so <3 thanks rei (encouraged him to strive towards his dream more, even though he was let into UNDEAD under permission to never attend practice and do whatever he pleased. he started showing up at some point and found his footing with it)

I HAVENT READ SUSTAINED MEMORIES but i know he loves and cherishes his older sister, and feels extremely guilty in general about his siblings. since he's allowed to kinda fuck around while they aren't. there's a line i see from a quote bot and the story that makes me lose it

"We took all the trouble to pretty her up, but my sister — she said ‟I'm sorry, Kaoru-chan”... and she started crying, ruining her makeup.

I mean, why was she apologizing to me? Me, who shoved all the heavy burdens onto my big brother and sister and simply just ran away."

he's guilty about running away from the family problems and this brings me over to how he feels guilt!

kaoru's an extreme overthinker. he does it without realizing, but won't really say anything about it.. and he more-or-less shoulders everything on his own because he doesn't wanna burden others with it. he's present, but not entirely and that's why a lot of people can't really read him. he's really carefree, and tries to brighten up every conversation if he can. one of his big skills is being a good conversationalist.. like adonis even asks him for advice on how to talk to people. he's good with people!!! which makes me go crazy because he would help others out even if it was annoying, but he doesn't wanna rely on others. also doesn't like being babied or treated like he can't stand on his own

in 2nd year he dated girls as like his one hobby (feels mean to call it that but it wasn't like he was ever serious. it was his way of seeking validation, while maintaining a simple persona of popularity. then at some point he was like all in love with anzu and decided she was the only person he cared about. he's a tad cringe <3) having this persona of being a playboy who doesn't care about anything was like, a way to set up so many walls. it meant he didn't ever commit to Any close relationships, had no support, and was just generally sad?? he's a sad character but so carefree and loving Sigh. anyway, in 3rd year he starts working towards being a better person. with the help of UNDEAD, and shows hurt when people assume terrible things of him.

he wants to be reliable, wants to be someone people like, and this gets easier as he moves on and comes to terms with things. i'm sure graduation without his mom to cheer him on was rough, but he has friends now!! and a supportive partner in the idol world (him and rei basically both carry tasks in the unit. he expresses that he doesn't want rei doing everything on his own n such because Um. that isn't fair to rei what the hell he's helping whether you like it or not)

i also believe he's aro with a romance fixation because what else screams that than... knowing So Much about dates, but not being able to ever properly fall in love. or explain what it is. in date plan he has a crisis over the fact he actually doesnt understand girls at all despite his history. oh kaoru, i love you sooo much

he has the prettiest hair ever mwah

#kaoru hakaze #im in love with him #lennie 🐻

[wanderingwomanwondering]

Eddie’s Queerness

*long post*

I said something on this subject months ago and I meant it but I don’t think we’re going to get it so here’s my updated perspective…

I’ve been having thoughts and feels about Eddie’s healing journey all season like literally everyone else in the Buddie fandom. I know many of use have differing opinions about how his arc is going to go, especially as it relates to his sexuality. The Buddie fandom knows that he’s some flavor of queer. I’ve seen gay, bisexual, and demisexual all floated as possibilities for what his queerness looks like. I want to throw my opinion into the pot since it feels like we are very close to something truly extraordinary in terms of Eddie’s overall healing. (Come on 517, make my year!!)

From my perspective, each of the 3 common possibilities for Eddie’s sexuality is valid depending on one’s own reading of and interpretation of the narrative. I favor demisexual or bi/pansexual for Eddie over gay. But I will cheer no matter which route the show takes.

Here’s my perspective below the cut

Eddie’s Personal History & Context

Eddie had an incredibly difficult relationship with his parents. They had high standards and expectations for him on every level - from career, to romantic partner, to parenting, etc. - and they were controlling as well as impossible to please. Eddie has made in clear throughout his time on the show that he never felt good enough for anybody. Not for his parents. Not for Shannon. Not for Chris.

His parents’ expectation that he would work in the family business forever combined with a shotgun wedding to Shannon after they got pregnant forced him into the military. He said at one point that the military was the only way that he could see to escape his parents’ (specifically his father’s) grueling expectations for his life and future.

Shannon is a long and difficult chapter that the fandom has spoken on at length and on multiple occasions so all I want to say here is that he has said repeatedly that he loved her. In Eddie Begins we saw his struggle with Shannon’s expectation that he be a partner to her rather than simply a provider and again in Merry Ex-Mas. It’s implied in Eddie Begins and basically stated in Merry Ex-Mas that Eddie felt like a constant disappointment to her because he could not figure out how to show up emotionally. 

On the Chris front, he feared he’d have the same problem he had with Shannon. He struggled with what it meant to be a good father to Chris and how to show up in that role as well, which the show talked about briefly in Merry Ex-Mas and again (via Mitchell) in Brawl in Cell Block 911. We also learn through Eddie’s conversation with Savannah in Cell Block that he felt unlovable, both by Shannon and by Chris to one degree or another.

Eddie’s struggles with building a family of his own track fairly directly in my opinion with his struggles with his family of origin. Never-satisfied parents had convinced him that he would fail at any and every endeavor. Never respecting Shannon (before she left) to the point of constantly insulting her to Eddie’s face. Making Shannon feel like an awful mother (before she left) because why wouldn’t Eddie’s parents subject his wife to the same poor opinion they seem to have of him; after all, he can’t do anything right. Eddie’s entire life in Texas sounds like it was in terms of blame, fault, error, and inadequacy!

Given what we know of his family life so far, why wouldn’t he become a man who keeps his emotions to himself, strives for excellence by someone else’s standard (the military and the LAFD especially), and in his personal life demands control of every situation as much as possible on his own terms (which does NOT work in a marriage or in parenthood!)? Why wouldn’t he have trouble finding his own heart? Why would he be someone who could recognize and strive to meet his own needs? his own wants? his own dreams? his own happiness?? 

All of the above has followed Eddie into the present, into his partnership with Buck in all things, into his evolving parenting of Chris, and into trauma recognition and trauma recovery. From my perspective, Eddie has not even asked himself about what happiness means or what it looks like because emotions are a floodgate. We can’t have full access to joy without seeing and feeling despair. Emotions are a package deal. So if Eddie wanted to court happiness in any deep and self-fulfilling way, he’d have to deal with all the painful shrapnel lodged inside him. That’s what he’s doing now. Wading through the pain so that he can have a clearer, truer, and fuller happiness available to him. A happiness that could let him find a meaningful love that he could hold as his own and a one that would allow him to show up in his son’s life in an authentically joyful way. Before he dove into his healing journey completely, he as becoming increasingly numb...able to fain joy but not feel it fully. Eddie’s healing arc is one of reclaiming. Well, more accurately he’s actually healing by discovering and claiming his complete, full-feeling heart for the first time!

Eddie’s Sexuality

Literally all of the above struggles can and do make total sense if Eddie were straight. How many people have demanding, controlling parents who want mindless mini-mes and get offended when their kid isn’t under their thumb. How many people feel obligated by their parents wishes in one way or another and ultimately live in cages built by their parents until they break free or irrevocably internalize the cage. One does not have to be queer for that to be their reality!

But we know Eddie’s not straight. Repression. Hiding parts of yourself. Trying to be the right kind of person for everybody else’s benefit. Living a fake life because of fear and/or confusion ie having no clear map to authenticity. Those themes absolutely exist for straight people, but they are hallmark themes of queerness (especially in contemporary media) on a whole other level. They are incredibly relatable to the lived experiences of oh so many (too many!) of us queer folks. That’s why with each passing season we saw the mounting queer themes in Eddie’s history and in his psychological & emotional arc.

Looking at the sexuality possibilities for Eddie, demisexuality captures the details of what we already know. Eddie actually loved Shannon and seemed to enjoy having sex with her. He said it multiple times even when he didn’t have to and I choose to believe him. Due to the presence of legit feelings he entered into a romantic and sexual relationship with her. From what we’ve seen in the show, Eddie doesn’t seem to readily experience sexual attraction unless he can tie it to his feelings. I think that fits for what we saw with Shannon and with Ana too. Ana was in his orbit and only became a romantic and sexual option for him when he considered what she meant or could mean to the person he cares about most in the world, Chris. It would also track with what we’ve seen of Eddie’s deepening relationship with Buck and the strongly rooted Buckley-Diaz family.

Bisexuality may capture Eddie’s experience. In the bisexual scenario, the sexual attraction is there from the start though. Maybe Eddie was sexually attracted to Shannon, Buck, and/or Ana before he got to know them. Feelings were present too at some point for each of them except Ana. We have a lot of *compelling* theories within the fandom but we don’t quite know because Eddie hasn’t directly spoken on the subject of his sexuality.  At least at this point in the scenario. 517 will hopefully be a game changer on that front!

Backtracking a bit, regarding Eddie’s marriage to Shannon, there were other relevant factors, chief among them was an unexpected pregnancy along with family expectation (I’m guessing, since they’re Catholic) and a sense of moral obligation because it is Edmundo “obsessed with doing the right thing” Diaz even when he doesn’t quite know what it is or how best to do it. There is no doubt in my mind that Eddie felt trapped in that marriage but he also felt trapped within himself by his circumstances, his upbringing, and lack of a clear and (perceived) equally righteous alternative. Eddie’s marriage to Shannon was painful and tumultuous for all those reasons in addition to youth and neither of them actually knowing what they wanted or needed at the time. With Ana it was based firmly in a sincere desire to do what’s best for Chris without regard to himself. By that point in the narrative, I would argue that Eddie was even more emotionally numb than usual because of his mounting unaddressed trauma. Like. It didn’t even occur to him that he was doing Ana a disservice until Buck pointed it out! 

Regarding the possibility of Eddie being gay, I will cheer as I would with either of the above possibilities. However, my fear is that the powers that be would assert that Eddie’s relationship history and context were solely "a high price to pay for a fake life” and that next to nothing at all about it was real/meaningful which is valid and relatable to so many (too many!) queer people, and also wildly painful to watch. No matter how they cut it though, parts of Eddie are falling away and still other parts are being uncovered/recovered/discovered and that’s exciting. 

Deep feelings - sadness, guilt, confusion, fear, joy, love, and desire - are hard for Eddie. They are hard for a lot of people and catching feelings for your best friend is a challenge even for people who are trauma-free. So I can imagine how overwhelming it all must be for Eddie. Whatever ends up happening next in Eddie’s Epic Healing Arc, Eddie has grown so damn much this season with Buck’s help, and imo he has romantic and sexual feelings for Buck that I can’t wait for him to profess in one way or another!

#eddie diaz #eddie sexuality discourse #demisexual eddie #buddie #evan buckley #buckley diaz family #911 fox #wee woo show #911 meta #long post #just the opinion of a queer pansexual black woman so take my take with a grain of salt!

[ddrqoyote]

people keep saying gear 5 is bad cause it turns luffy from a regular guy who made it this far with hard work into another chosen one. ignoring that that was never really true (related to garp and dragon, chosen by shanks and trained by rayleigh, has the will of D, etc), it makes me think of one of the biggest tensions in shonen.

there isn't really a thesis to what you're gonna read, i'm just rambling on something i think about a lot lately.

people want a self-made man for the lead that anyone could see themselves becoming. people also want a world-beater who can stop established, global evils with nothing but a small group of friends, and it needs to happen relatively quickly cause no one but hindu monks wants a story 5000 chapters long. and honestly, it doesn't feel real to have both. anyone who's been around the block a couple times knows that's not how the world works. it's not that easy to dismantle, no one can just stomp through the world like godzilla and knock all the bad stuff down. even kings and dictators can't do that.

i think most older shonen fans know all that, we're not dumb, we just don't like it.

there's this book of wwii superhero comics called "the great comic book heroes". the writer, jules feiffer, grew up on them in the 30s and worked on them* during the 40s and 50s. he talks a lot in the book about how he saw the earliest superheroes growing up.

*assistant to eisner on the original spirit run and wrote the last couple years. though he's probably better-known as a pulitzer-winning cartoonist, author and playwright. also illustrated the phantom tollbooth.

"The problem in pre-super days was that, with few exceptions, heroes were not very interesting. And, by any realistic appraisal, certainly no match for the villains who were bigger, stronger, smarter (as who wasn’t?), and even worse, were notorious scene stealers... Villains, whatever fate befell them in the obligatory last panel, were infinitely better equipped than those silly, hapless heroes. Not only comics, but life taught us that. Those of us raised in ghetto neighborhoods were being asked to believe that crime didn’t pay? Tell that to the butcher! Nice guys finished last; landlords, first. Villains by their simple appointment to the role were miles ahead. It was not to be believed that any ordinary human could combat them. More was required. Someone with a call. When at last appeared, he brought with him the deep satisfaction of all underground truths: our reaction was less “How original!” than “But, of course! The advent of the super-hero was a bizarre comeuppance for the American dream. Horatio Alger could no longer make it on his own. He needed “Shazam!” Here was fantasy with a cynically realistic base: once the odds were appraised honestly it was apparent you had to be super to get on in this world."

the rest of the essay is here if you want to read something about superheroes that isn't "they're the modern mythology (for the 1% of people who read comics)!" or "superheroes are shit even though i make a living writing them, because i'm british!"

but basically a big reason these superpowered characters exist is because real people CAN'T do the things they do. we can learn from them, we can strive to have as much integrity as them, but we can't enforce decency on the world or save everyone from the bullshit that happens to them, even the people we care about (i've tried saving people, believe me, it doesn't work).

i'm not trying to crap on shonen or superheroes, i'm just less and less sure what to do with them these days cause they're a huge part of my life and now they feel less real than when i was younger. i know they don't have to reflect reality for me to enjoy them and it's pretty silly to expect that, but... i don't know. sometimes i feel like i've totally run away from reality and i don't like that about myself. it feels like my life's empty sometimes. and i don't like how socially acceptable that's become either. every time i hear people talk about irl "character development" or "i'm in my [x] arc" or something similar, or some youtuber says "here are the characters in this story [that really happened]", i don't like it. call me a boomer but it worries me.

#one piece #shonen #battle manga #jules feiffer #i feel like there are more relevant tags but idk what they are #young man yells at cloud #just a little though

[heavyretro]

Things I’ve been wanting to say since 2021

Not sure how to begin, because I feel very silly writing this.

Is anyone becoming melancholy and nostalgic for social media before it made it’s change? Do you remember ending a livestream with friends, and saying “see you on the socials” ? It felt like communities were closer and more encouraging. I felt like I was constantly engaging with online friends from the time I woke up, to the time I went to sleep. Being in the burlesque and drag communities, social media presence was so important for a number of reasons I won’t get into here. However, I will say that social media was a great looking glass in which to keep up with the drag/burly communities from all over the world. You always knew what your communities were getting up to, you could hype them up, send them tips through cash apps, share their performance videos, etc. And yeah, you can still do that now, but with algorithm changes, it’s harder. I never see anyone in my timelines that I used to frequently see before the change. Anyone I knew from before I left for the UK, I do not hear from them now. To be quite frank, moving to another country in the middle of a global pandemic has been the loneliest thing, ever.

To preface, social media used to be such an invaluable tool for neurodivergent people and people with C-PTSD, PTSD, etc. Personally, I have trust issues because of my past with turbulent people with turbulent emotions, creating severe situations. Having a barrier between myself and others was a blessing. I could make friends upon friends, no matter where they were, and I felt safe. Because of how social media was set up back then, I made friends with minimal effort, and was able to maintain them for years. By “minimal” I mean, for someone with social anxiety, online engagement with communities was a breeze in comparison to IRL socializing. This generated confidence in my personal life, but that’s besides the point. Now, you have to be an entertainer no matter what industry you’re involved in. Let’s not even talk about how awful that is for people with anxiety. It’s one thing to be a performer for a live audience, but for an app? It’s a different feeling.

The above pictures are before the algorithm changes, and then after. I know working hard as an artist is a thing, and while I am on the fence about arguments regarding “the struggling artist” [ I really don’t think we should struggle ], this is completely different. I was already a booked artist and performer, and for the year of 2020, I had a show and modeling gig every month for the entirely of that year until the pandemic shut it all down. I had community and networks, and always strived to be a good friend and reliable person in general. Fighting for your art is one thing, but I will not fight AI to simply be able to be placed in an algorithm. These platforms do not pay me to work, and therefore I see no reason to constantly push myself to remain in some phantasmal ranking order. Effectively, these changes have cost me being “relevant” in social circles and networks. I do not want to make trendy videos with trending sounds for socials. I want to be ME as a complete artist, sharing my art, for free, by the way. I don’t want to share info graphics to generate engagement. I don’t want to dance on Tik Tok. I don’t want to be the center of attention, and gain 10K followers. I just want friends and community.

Recently, I enrolled in school in which I am pursing yet another [ but very much older ] dream of mine. I befriended one person in this school, and she revealed to me she doesn’t have social media, and it’s made her life easier. At first, fear struck me for her: no socials? How does one socialize? Is life valid offline? But then I thought again: it must be the most liberating thing, ever. She went off to Greece recently, I was like- how will she memorialize her trip to Greece without socials? And then again, I realized how silly I was being. I don’t often remember online engagement as much as I remember going to metal shows, drinking wine with my best friends, and hanging out with the bands afterwards. I remember making music with my band-mate in his studio with the small Hecate statue watching over us. I remember us doing breath work, putting whiskey in our coffee, and singing about loss. I remember going to MAGFest and playing retro video games in cosplay for 3 days straight. I remember doing LIVE shows, almost puking every time, and getting on stage and hearing everyone cheer.

I want nothing more than to leave social media entirely. It’s not a place for me, anymore. My place now is with my research, my books, and the wisdom found in that. What everyone doesn’t realize about my situation is that everyone reading this will know me as Polaris first, and my real name second. You have all met me as Polaris. My best friends I speak to regularly, my husband, new social groups I’ve stumbled into- we started our friendships and relationships this way. Therefore, it is hard to let go. I was the quiet and bullied kid my entire life. I have been ab*sed, I have been ignored, and I have been greatly disrespected in my life before entering my drag/burlesque life as Polaris. Suddenly, people wanted to get to know me. They wanted to share in my eccentricity by proximity- [ granted, sometimes attempting to take it for their own. ] Burlesque performers perform under different names for safety from stalkers and harm from people, communities, and businesses. I have seen performers get fired from their jobs because of this work. That it why it is SO crucial to call performers by their performer names, and not their real ones when they are working. That didn’t happen for me. I was Polaris no matter what- not by choice. I guess, this part is a story for another day.

I guess I am saying all of this to finally just get it out there: where are my friends? Where did my community go? I absolutely want to hold space for new friends, and I love you all so, so, so much. Some of you have been so supportive of me- more than most people, and I am forever grateful. However, it doesn’t shake this feeling off. This feeling like I’ve been forgotten about. Every day that goes by, I get ready to leave Polaris behind me all together. I will not spend more energy [ or apparently dollars ? ] just to show up in feeds. That is the whole point of social media - effortless community and engagement, while sharing information and support. I’m not paying for that, when I could just find that in real life. My point is, I am coming to the end of the rope with all of this.

Aren’t you all tired of creating videos before you go out, before you eat, before you get ready, after you get ready, when you wake up, at 5 AM, at 6PM? And then archiving them, and sharing them on your socials when you can just… put on a vinyl and share your time and energy with yourself? Clearly, I am not made for this new way of socializing.

Anyway, I hope the ratio of those numbers in the pictures made you laugh. It made me laugh.

#performers #artists on tumblr #social media #nostalgia #drag queen #burlesque

[rainbowvamp]

unsent letter: 1794

Author's Note: So… this was 200 words before I went ‘this is too short. how can I spice it up?’ and then made it 1000 words by accident. TW for the discussion of church/religion and use of catholic/religious language in regards to Dream. It’s very heavy handed. It is definitely blasphemous. If that’s something you care about, skip this one.

Summary: Hob is a sinner

---

I know I am a sinner, and I have done the wrong thing more times in my life than I have done the right thing. Even so, I count myself a worse man for my covetous desire of you. I know many men who deny their attraction to other men, but that isn’t what I mean. Firstly, are you even technically a man? But secondly, I feel like a bastard for wanting you when I know your interest is strictly platonic. 

Well, maybe not so strictly. Those looks we shared at the White Horse five years ago didn’t feel platonic at the time, but maybe I’ve poisoned myself, been made delirious with desire and have read expressions on your face that were never there. But the way you flicked your eyes towards me made me think…

It doesn’t matter. It feels wrong to love you like this when I know that isn’t your wish. I don’t want to  drive you away. I don’t want to make you think I’m not a safe person to visit. I know how uncomfortable a relationship can be when one person loves and the other does not return it. I’ve left no too few lives to avoid that very fate. 

I’m a sinner, and I’ve always known it. I only hope you continue to look past that. That your eyes see me with the same compassion they saw me with in 1689. That your words are intended to advise, and never to push away. I covet you like nothing else on this earth, and though I hold no love for the Christian’s idea of a God, I hear about that sin often enough to know it’s hallmarks. 

My nature as a man is to want. I have lived this long because I want so strongly to live. For a time I believed there was nothing I could want stronger.

I see my own error. I want you more strongly. I would die for you, as easily as I have lived for myself. I would kill for you more easily. I didn’t kill Johanna’s men, in 1789, but I could have. Would have. If you’d asked me to I’d have crushed their skulls beneath my heeled shoe and not hesitated for a moment, even as long distanced as I am from such gruesome deaths. 

I would have killed them all, if you’d asked it of me. For my desire. For my love. For whatever facsimile of love I have to offer you. 

Priests think they know so much. I sit through church most Sundays to avoid the gossip that happens when you are new to a place and don’t sit through church each Sunday, and today, this most holy day, the priest stood upon his stone steps before his congregation and preached that love was only pure through the eyes of God, family, and marriage. That love of the body, save for it’s necessity, was a sin to have and a sin to want. 

I am a sinner, then, and I have been for a long while. I am made covetous by the very thought of you. I long to know the taste and touch and smell of you. I yearn for the sound of your breathless voice, made low by want and the heat of your lips made red by kissing.

And just as ardently I covet the words of your lips, in kindness and in friendship. I long to know what your favorite tea is, and how you prefer to take it. I yearn to share a space with you for longer than a scant few hours once every hundred years.

If this love is sin, Stranger, then what point is there to sainthood? Why strive to be sinless if it means I give you any less adoration than you are due? 

I do not adhere to these laws of man. I’ve seen you and I know that if God, devils and angels were the only immortal beings that existed, you would never have stood in front of me. If you belong to some other category, what other things have these Bible beaters gotten wrong? What other lies and half truths live in their churches when I can look upon you and see all the hallmarks of divinity, but cannot call you by any name that they would say is divine. 

You are another divinity, entirely, outside of their understanding, and so I put no stock in it.

Instead, I worship at your alter, and perhaps these letters are my offerings, measly and paltry as they may appear. They are all I have, and even these, I do not think you would accept.

I am a blind worshiper, Stranger, sacrificing my words and my soul to the heart of your hearth, never knowing if I will be seen, but knowing that doing otherwise would never be right. 

We cannot worship only when we believe we will be rewarded for it. That, at least, the church is right about. I will almost certainly never see the fruits of my devotion, but this devotion feels as right as the churning, burning release of orgasm. As right as a well sated body. As right as a full belly and a warm bed. It is my duty to heel at your divine table, and so I do, in letters, and once, every hundred years, I attend a church service and am met by my God, or by the only being I have ever known to resemble one. 

Am I a worse sinner, for loving someone holy in such unholy ways? What does a word like holy matter to someone like you? I only call my love a sin because I know that if you knew it, you would hate me for it, and to go against you is the only sin I can imagine. 

I am hopeless. In this life. Would that I could forget, but in truth I would never wish to. I will endure the rest of my deathless life, loving you no hope it being requited, if only I can continue to see you, same as I always have, and kneel at your alter again, each century, offerings refused, but made because you deserve them, even if you want nothing of them. 

AO3

#lore's dreamling letters