#i used all the nervous energy from the process to write this post
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This is an informational post about my experience with the 5/24 HSLOT 22 US Amex presales. Hoping it might help someone buying during verified fan presale tomorrow or general sale weds. @cuethetommo has great ticket insights and advice on their blog that I recommend reviewing and will reblog. i know this process is extremely anxiety-inducing and truly a capitalistic minefield and my heart goes out to anyone struggling with it/the unfairness/the prices/the US-centric tour sched/all the fucked up components that make this up! and yes i agree that Louis should be scolding Harry for this ticketing horrorshow every chance he can get.
TL;DR out of 3 presale invites I secured tickets to 2 shows, mid lower bowl in Austin ($199ea) and pit for MSG last show night ($199ea). i consider this a successful outing.
More detail:
Got presale invites for 3 shows: Sept 21 (MSG), Oct 2 (Austin), Oct 13 (Chi). I think I signed up for 10-11 shows during presale registration so maybe 30% success rate there.
The Austin & Chicago show presales were at the exact same time (?? why.) Due to date and venue preference I focused on Austin. Cleared & blocked my schedule for this time, got in the waiting room 10min early as advised, and got into the queue at 658 people in front of me. I wanted to get close seated tickets (like first ~3 rows lower bowl), so when I got in I started looking at those, while also trying to add pit tickets to my cart just in case. (Note: Even after re-entering the queue and trying for ~40min, I did not get pit tickets for Austin. Maybe this is obvious but it seems like if you want pit tickets, focus on snagging those first).
Every.single.ticket pit or otherwise i tried to add to my cart for 25min straight was "snagged by another fan". maddening. Finally found 3 seats which were exactly what i wanted (yay!) first row seated! and clicked through to checkout... only to see that Those tickets were $1144 EACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IN THE PLATINUM PRICING. Abandoned in cart.
Back into the bloodbath and ultimately checked out with 3 mid lower bowl tix @ $199ea. Sec 119: $1144, Sec 117: $199. Okayyyy.
20 minutes later i queued for MSG, prayed and refreshed, refreshed right at <1min in the waiting room, got into the queue with only 258 people ahead of me. Entered, went right for 3 pit tix, got them on first try (!!!! PURE LUCK PLUS REFRESHING TIL MY FINGERS HURT) for $199ea and checked out breathing a gigantic sigh of RELIEF and gleeee.
Final thoughts:
this was my first REAL go-round for this; all my previous harry tickets (2019-2022) have been aftermarket purchases. $199 is not cheap but it is the cheapest Harry ticket I have purchased so far. I envy the twitter stans who can get aftermarket face value tix and not get scammed tbh, couldnt be me
Even if someone had an unlimited budget this process also requires the privilege of time/flexibility of schedule and just plain old LUCK
Sorry i cant share more insights into Chicago since TM really fucked me in making that sale the exact same time as Austin??? But by the time I logged in there seemed to be an extreme few amt of tickets left, and they also seemed more expensive than the Austin tix (but less so than MSG).
Austin venue is smallest (15K) with MSG being mid (20K) and United Center largest (23K) so thats a good thing to consider in terms of how close the seats are, etc
it is insane to me that a pit ticket and a mid lower bowl ticket are the same price, and a seat BETWEEN the two is over $1K. fuck dynamic pricing.
in the same fuck-dynamic-pricing vein: the equivalent mid lower bowl ticket that i got for $199 in Austin was $900 at MSG. Ugh.
it may mean nothing but i think continuously refreshing your TM screen while in the last ~1min of the waiting room has a chance to secure you a higher spot in the queue. could be wishful thinking. also ritualistic chanting seemed to help. kidding... or is it?
#i hope this helps#SOMEONE out there#i used all the nervous energy from the process to write this post#fuck ticketmaster#ticket stuff#also LOL that exactly during this process 5 more MSG shows were added#talk about manufactured scarcity sheeeeesh
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Executive Dysfunction Study Tips
(compiled by us, for us; not a comprehensive list by any means, just the ones that work well of our brain specifically)
dress in a Nice Outfit for the Aesthetic. Studying in slacks and a button-down or knit sweater or similar with a mug of tea has completely different vibes (and much more productive ones) than studying in pajamas, even if the clothes aren’t as comfortable. Besides, the faster we get work done, the faster we can change into Comfy Clothes and relax.
in a similar vein, Beverage + Studying Music. Our go-to is corn tea and the LoZ ocarina of time soundtrack. lyrical music is fine for doing calculations, but for essays its instrumental only since the lyrics can fuck with the writing process.
make that grid of everything you need to do from this post, with Check Boxes next to each thing for Checking Things Off (or you can cross them out if that's more satisfying). Also gives an order and instruction for Starting The Thing which is usually the hardest part.
Imitate School Environment with “periods”, AKA studying for 40 minutes with a 5-10 minute “passing period” in-between, in which getting up and walking around is required. do not do “fun stuff” (reading/YouTube/etc) during passing period, or getting brain back on task will be Hell. our brain works best with a clear structure. Also, Set Alarms.
SNACKS!! snacks that are crumb free and don’t disturb the working process are best. I like pumpkin seeds, smoked salmon, apple/pear/peach/etc slices, cheese, and similar. washed bowls of fruit (grapes, cherries, strawberries, etc) make my fingers wet every time I eat them which is inconvenient, and I can't eat most junk foods for allergy/health reasons (+ grease, cheese dust, etc are similarly impractical)
from this post, “make timelapses on your phone of u doing your work” providing the exact amount of Nervous Energy from being “watched” to be productive, without the anxiety of being criticized from having someone actually watch you. For an extra kick, actually post them to YT.
have Separate Windows open for studying vs for fun stuff. I usually have three windows open on my laptop at all times – one for YT/reading (relaxing stuff), one for studying, and one for writing.
set a Consistent Time To Work and Time To Stop Working, because brain stop working late at night when get tired, but brain also no work as soon as we get home from class, because we’re exhausted and need to take a break + eat first.
in a similar vein, have a Work Time Ritual to get brain in the mood. Do the same thing every time its time to work so that you can pavlov yourself. For example, having a glass of water and and doing five jumping jacks, taking a shower, or getting changed into Studying Clothes. ADHD brain hates Transition Between Activities and also Starting Task so make it fun or relaxing.
finally and most important!!!! sleep well, eat well, and when its time to stop working (NOT when work is done, but when its Time To Stop), take a break and do something relaxing. Work on hobby or lie in bed and read fanfiction. We don’t work past 10:00PM and we aren’t out of bed past 11:00PM. aint nothing going to get done if your body isn’t in a shape to get it done. As a system, sometimes we can see the body as a tool/instrument/machine separate from the mind/identity/personality, and you gotta keep that shit well-maintained or its gonna break down on you and you’ll have to take it to the repair shop.
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Brahms Heelshire Headcanons
Honestly I'm not sure why it took me so long to do Brahms, given I've been writing him since mid 2022. But I've been really vibing Slasher Headcanon posts lately, and today, it's his turn!
As always, these are of course my own personal opinion, but feel free to reblog, add onto them, ask questions about them, or add them to the ones you accept yourself! I absolutely love hearing from others on their thoughts.
.♡♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡♡.
Headcanons from the Movie:
The Greta doll [Or the Nanny doll, for fics or content where the nanny is an OC or the reader] was never intended as anything dark/kinky/etc. It was simply Brahms mirroring how he'd seen affection shown towards him. I went into this in more detail on this post, if you're interested.
While he doesn't have the ability/time to do things like take care of his hair or shave, he does shower when the nanny is outside doing the rat traps.
When he can risk it, he'll sneak his clothes in with the laundry, but that became more difficult once his parents left. He's sometimes able to manage it by putting a few things in with sheets/blankets, but more often than not he'll simply use the clothes his dad left behind when he needs something clean to wear.
Def a clingy boy. Likes being able to have some form of physical contact with his partner, or at least be able to see/hear them if he can't do that.
Sometimes doesn't understand things that one would expect an adult to know, simply because his parents didn't teach him. The best way to address moments like this is to correct any mistakes gently, and teach him what he needs to know. [This does not mean to treat him like a child, just be patient and don't use a judgmental tone.
Occasionally has trouble processing emotions, especially negative ones, due to his father having a 'men don't cry' mindset.
Headcanons from Fanfic or Fandom Interactions:
Once he's ready to do so, he's okay with being seen without his mask. Respecting the boundary of letting him decide when that happens is a great way to show you care/trust/love him.
Definitely nervous about leaving the property, but he can manage if he's not alone at first. Once he's been out with someone he trusts enough to adjust to things like the crowds, levels of noise, and the environments, he's ok with splitting up for short periods of time.
When he goes out, he wears a cloth mask to cover the lower half of his face, so that the scarring will draw less attention.
Random Headcanons:
He's 100% the big spoon, regardless of a partner's size. While he does enjoy being held, he prefers to do so when he's holding his partner at the same time.
Really loves having his hair played with, especially if combined with kisses or cuddles.
Dog person [Cats are too aloof, and he enjoys the energy dogs can have. They're also a good way to get him going outside in the fresh air again]
18+ Headcanons🌶️🔞:
Spicy Headcanons:
This man does not know his own strength, so do not be surprised at all if you have bruises in the shape of his hands.
Definitely a switch, because he can enjoy both being the one in control and the one being controlled.
Age Regression Headcanons:
NOTE: I am not intending to say that age regression on it's own is spicy or kink. However, I feel it best to keep it under the 18+ cut.
One of his favorite modern children's shows is Bluey. This is partially due to the characters being dogs, partially because of the parenting dynamics shown, and partially because there are heavier/more adult topics addressed in a way that's easy to process/understand.
To add onto the above, if a nanny/partner sees him upset and prompts 'Checklist', he will recite off Chilli's checklist from the episode The Show, while allowing himself to do the items on it. It started as a way to help him address his emotions in a healthy way, but soon became something that helps both him and his nanny/partner, as he can do the same thing with them.
The checklist is as follows: ✓ Have a Cry ✓ Pick Myself Off ✓ Dust Myself Off ✓And keep going.
Likes doing coloring pages or other simple crafts, and will often proudly present his partner with the end result.
Loves it when they put it on the fridge where it can be on display.
They turn his childhood room into a 'Littlespace' room for him to go to whenever he like. This means painting the walls a soft, comforting color, putting soft rugs on the floor, adding prism window clings to the window to cast rainbows all about the room, a permanent pillow fort, and a TV with a DVD player and VHS player on a wheeled table that can be moved anywhere in the room, with a bookshelf full of movies from their childhood, as well as more modern ones.
One of their shared favorites is Quest For Camelot.
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For the domestic/relationship prompts you just posted about, I'd love to see what you come up with for #12 for Steddie!😊
I’m so sorry this took me so long to write, anon! But thank you so much for the prompt <3 I hope you see this and I hope it’s okay!
The prompt:
saying goodbye over and over because they keep forgetting things and coming back
970 words / T / established relationship fluff
“I’ll see you soon,” Eddie says, all nervous energy as he leans in to give Steve his third goodbye kiss.
“Okay,” Steve says, even while he tightens his hold on Eddie, deepens the kiss. It’s partly to distract Eddie, but mostly because he’s going to miss him so fucking much.
Eddie doesn’t pull away or protest, only threads his hands through Steve’s hair, ankle hooking around Steve’s calf as he pushes Eddie against the door.
They make out for a few minutes, like they did when they first got together, until Eddie finally does pull away and says, “I have to go.”
Steve sighs. He noses at Eddie’s neck, his jaw, breathing in deeply. He presses his forehead to Eddie’s temple and says, “Okay,” again, stepping away this time. His hands linger on Eddie’s hips, fingers curling into him a moment, and then he drops his hands at his sides.
“I’ll call you from the first stop.”
Steve nods. He presses his lips together. “You’d better go, or you’ll be late.”
“Okay.” Eddie runs a hand through his hair, bites his lip. “I—” He sighs and then he smiles. “I love you.”
“Love you too.”
“Give Pippin extra hugs from me.”
Steve huffs. “If she lets me.”
“Okay.” Eddie picks up his guitar case. “Bye.” He leans in and kisses Steve quickly, then opens the door.
“Bye,” Steve says, and then, “Good luck,” and he watches Eddie walk down the hall. He shuts the door with a sigh and drags himself to the living room.
There’s a heaviness in his chest, knowing he won’t see Eddie until he joins him in a week, but he’s excited for him too. This is Corroded Coffin’s first proper tour and, yeah, they’re playing more dive bars, little hole-in-the-wall types places, but it’s still a big deal.
Steve grabs the TV remote, switching it on but not paying attention to what’s playing, and settles on the couch with Pippin. She nuzzles against him when he picks her up, cradling her to his chest. She must miss Eddie because she’s not usually so willing to be cuddled.
“Well,” Steve says, petting her forehead, “it’s just the two of us for a little while.” Pippin gives a low meow in response; Steve knows how she feels.
And then there’s banging at the door and Eddie’s voice echoes down the hall: “I forgot my keys!”
Steve shakes his head. He sets Pippin aside and pushes himself off the couch, shuffling down the hall to open the door for Eddie. “And I thought you just missed me already.”
Pippin darts past Steve, mewing insistently at Eddie, who bends down to scoop her up.
There’s a softness in Eddie’s eyes that belies the wink when he says, “That too,” and Steve’s pulse does the little flutter that their years together hasn’t done anything to dampen.
“Okay,” Steve says, “where’d you last see them?” He glances at the hall stand, but they’re not there.
“No idea,” Eddie says.
Steve runs his hand over his face. This could take a while. In the end, they find the keys in the cutlery drawer.
They dangle from Steve’s finger as he gives Eddie a questioning raise of one brow. Eddie only shrugs; he takes the keys and they go through the whole goodbye process again.
It’s less than a minute before there’s the sound of the key in the door and Eddie comes rushing down the hall. “My lucky pick!”
“Seriously?”
Eddie gives Steve a look. “Yes, seriously. I can’t go without it.”
Steve holds up his hands. “Okay. We’ll find it.”
And they do. Exactly where Eddie had left it when he was meant to pack it.
Eddie clutches it in his fist. “Right, well. Goodbye.”
“Again.”
“Yeah.”
When Eddie doesn’t move, Steve’s brow furrows. Eddie’s been excited about this for weeks, and sure they’re going to miss each other, but he thought Eddie would be racing out the door. “You’re going to be late.”
“Right,” Eddie says, “bye,” and he’s gone.
For about two seconds. And then he comes back again.
Steve bites back a smile. “What did you forget this time?” They’d packed everything last night, double and triple checking, so he’s pretty sure nothing else has been left behind.
“You,” Eddie says and before Steve can react, he steps forward, wraps his arms around Steve’s waist, and hoists him over his shoulder in a fireman carry.
“Dude, what the hell?” Steve flails. “Put me down, you’re gonna hurt yourself.” Eddie stumbles a little and Steve hits his head on the wall. “Or me,” he mutters.
Eddie sets Steve down, chest heaving from the exertion. “Sorry,” he says, but he’s grinning in a way that says he doesn’t mean it.
“What was that for?”
“Come with me.”
“I thought you didn’t need me to come and hold your hand.”
“That’s not what I said.” And, okay, he didn’t use those words exactly but he had insisted he didn’t need Steve to come the whole time. That he’d be fine with Steve only joining them for the last week. “And I only said it because I didn’t want you taking too much time off work and I knew you would if I asked.”
“Of course I would.” Steve crosses his arms, leans back against the wall. “You really want me to come for the whole tour?”
“Yeah.”
“What about the other guys?”
“They’ll be fine.” Eddie bites his lip. “Please?”
“You don’t have to ask twice,” Steve says and Eddie grins.
Steve packs some clothes and they leave Pippin with Mrs. Carmichael, who they all know is going to spoil her rotten, and race down to the van.
“So,” Steve says, settling into the passenger’s seat, “ready, Eddie?”
Eddie snorts. “Yeah,” he says, “I’m ready now,” and he turns the ignition.
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WIP Wednesday
Thanks for the tags @cutestkilla and @ileadacharmedlife! I've got some ramblings for you today, and, yes, a bit of a WIP.
As some of you have already heard, I've been trying some new meds which left me incredibly sleep deprived over the last two weeks (not to worry-- I've stopped taking those for the time being). On top of that, I sprained my ankle just in time to go on a very active, high-energy trip. In a surprising turn of events, my sleep deprivation did wonders for my creativity, and I made a lot of progress on a new WIP. I didn't finish any existing ones, of course. That would be ridiculous.
I'm both very excited and incredibly nervous about this fic. It features an OC that is Deaf, and I am not a member of the Deaf community. I have been taking ASL classes on and off for 3 years, and while that has certainly served as an inspiration for this character, it by no means makes me an authority on anything Deaf.
While I believe we shouldn't all limit ourselves to writing only characters we "know" (which leads to many an all-white cisgender heteronormative ableist etc etc story), I also don't want to fuck it up. So I will be doing a lot of research and examining internalized biases and stereotypical tropes as I plan and write to make sure I'm treating this character and story fairly. I will definitely be looking for sensitivity readers throughout the process as well, so if anyone is interested in helping me out with that please hit me up (tumblr and discord DMs open).
I could use some encouragement, support, advice, or, if you feel that I am making a terrible mistake, a reality check.
Ok, now to the WIP. There's a little more to this than just being a Stormchaser fic... I don't think it's hard to guess, so you might pick it up just from this. I had a really hard time picking which snippet to use.
Penny POV
His smile falters. “I hoped you’d be excited for me. It’s an opportunity to help students learn and connect. I thought you were all about education.”
“Oh, don’t give me that,” I sigh. “Of course I’m all for education, and yes, that does sound like a perfect opportunity for you. But… you’ll be leaving us here for an entire year. We’ve never been without you for that long.”
“Well…” he gives a nervous laugh, a sure sign that his next words are going to make me want to strangle him. “I may have volunteered Delilah for their foreign exchange pilot program.”
Yep, that’s it. “Crowley, Shepard! I told you you can’t go around sacrificing our child for experiments! Just because I've gotten you out of impossible situations doesn’t mean I’ll always be able to!”
“I didn’t sacrifice her, jeez! It’s just an exchange program, and I’ll be there! Give me a little credit. Even Watford has an exchange program.” His eyebrows scrunch together. “And I thought we weren’t supposed to say ‘Crowley’ because it’s–”
“Problematic, yes,” I cut him off. “But you are being problematic, Shepard. We can’t send our daughter to school in America. To a creature school. Anyone could be there!”
Thanks for reading my very long post! Tagging @artsyunderstudy @facewithoutheart @martsonmars @agni-ashes @onepintobean @thewholelemon @shrekgogurt @raenestee @skeedelvee @technetiumai @iamamythologicalcreature
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More Than a Long Weekend
Making of Sunset Curve's Sophomore Album
(note from me, missjoolee. i have no clue how this happened. but it’s a spiral that ripped itself from my being that i’ve decided to spruce up just a touch [with some very good additions from my group chat 😘] and post. I don’t have the energy or time to fully flesh it all out for a full fic, but i decided i could at least write a scene to accompany the rest. hope you all enjoy!)
sunset curve released a stellar freshman album. they had a big tour and for their next one, the label wants to do a mini documentary of that process
Ray is the head videographer and producer of the film team.
Julie was originally just there as his assistant, but her knowledge of the music creation process had her making suggestions of what types of questions to ask, milestones to film, and Ray decided to take a step back and have her "run the show" so to speak
which you can tell something changes because in the first week or so of one on one interviews, all the guys are kinda nervous, but then they suddenly are much more chill and smile more
Julie is constantly talking to the guys to keep them briefed on what the crew will be doing at any given time, explaining why whenever necessary, and the crew (and the rest of the band) slowly become aware of a blossoming something between her and the lead singer
cue the jim halpert looking directly into the camera moments from Reggie and Alex whenever luke goes off on a enthused tangent while speaking to julie. Cue the crew filming Julie's briefs with the band just so they don't miss any of the looks traded between the two
cue the crew and the band using their phones to sneak footage whenever they stumble upon a soft moment
Ray was surprised at first by all the extra down time footage that was getting recorded at first but then realizes whats happening. so instead of all that footage hitting the cutting room floor, it all gets put in a separate folder. suddenly, he's covertly pulling the guys in for private interviews. he's doing the same with the crew to talk about juke moments (if they want to) (Reggie jumps IMMEDIATELY onto dragging the smitten luke through the mud. telling stories of dumb things Luke has done because he was trying to impress julie)
and then he pulls luke and julie in separately to record a sort of "evaluation" of the documentary process (How was your experience with our crew? Julie took the reigns early on, how was it, working with her?)(julie's was more like the usual interview, talking on her experiences working with the different members of the band. a lot of questions were fishing for candid comments about luke)(and a lot of the more professional questions/answers do get used for SC's documentary)
then the album release is fast approaching. Julie is super proud of these boys. she knows the album is going to fly up the charts. but there is melancholy as after the release party, the documentary crew will move onto the next thing. She has all of the guy's numbers (having had to call all of them at some point to be like "where the hell are you? we are supposed to be doing this") and she's been texting Luke about a lot more non work related things recently.
but she doesn't know if that will keep up once she's not seeing them every week
Just prior to the release, the guys have a concert where they plan to debut one of their new songs. The crew is there because of this. the crowd is told that it's being recorded. Julie is hanging out side stage. Luke can see her getting into the music from his spot at the front of the stage.
Luke loves it when he can see the crowd singing along to one of his songs. It's even better when he can hear them almost drowning him out even with the mic. It's amazing when they are getting into a song so new, they've never heard it before but can really feel it. But as they debut their latest single, he discovers he was wholly unprepared for the emotions coursing through him after glancing to the side and seeing Julie belting the lyrics along with him. The only one in thousands. The lights doused her in pink, red, blue and yellow, gleaming off the luscious curls he's daydreamed about running his fingers through more than once. Her smile is so big he can't help but return it before looking back to the front.
Dread flashes through him, tingling along every nerve ending and taking up residence in his stomach. "It's almost over." His body goes on autopilot, stepping back from the mic and looking at his hands move along the frets for the change up between the chorus and the second verse, as he wrestles with his mind to focus on finishing the song. Luckily the muscle memory from all the rehearsals they've been doing in preparation allow his mind to wander a bit, but turning back to the crowd let's him push it to the back of his mind until the song comes to an end. He walks back to the drumkit riser where there are bottles of water sitting for him and takes a moment. He can hear Reggie talking to the crowd, giving him a small reprieve, but he's not concentrating on that as he re-hydrates and uses a small towel to wipe the sweat off his face. His brain is whirling because up until now, the thought of the documentary crew finishing up their work has always been something in distant future. But now, the album is done. The final milestones of the process are about to happen and then they will be saying goodbye to the documentary team that has been with them this past last year. He'll have to say goodbye to Julie, and he really really really doesn't want that.
Alex does a small drum beat, mostly with the kick drum, right next to Luke's ear to let him know he's noticed something is up but to knock it off and get out of his head to continue the show. That's right! He can figure this all out later. He still has time. All he can do right now is engage with the crowd and put on a killer show for them.
The rest of the set goes great. Luke is able to refocus having determined he'll figure out what to do about Julie later, his energy bouncing back up to 120%. He still finds his eyes glancing over to Julie often. Her smiles always widening when she notices, causing his to as well.
Once the final chords ring out, he's breathing hard, grinning from ear to ear as the crowd roars their approval. He pulls the guitar strap over his head and hands his guitar to one their roadies. They wave to the crowd, Reggie and him throwing the remaining picks from their mic stand supply to the fans. Alex comes from behind his kit to toss his drumsticks as well. Luke basks in the adrenaline, the sounds, before flinging his arms around his boy's shoulders and taking a bow together to the continued roar.
Patting them on the back once they are standing up again, they all turn and head offstage to where Julie is waiting with a giant grin on her face, pride lighting up ever feature. Luke doesn't even think, he just makes his way directly over to her. Her grin begins to drop slightly in confusion, not understanding the intense purpose of his stride. He stops in front of her, his brain just barely beginning to catch up with his actions but he's made it here and he's not about to let it talk him out of this. He reaches up and cups her cheek in his palm, hesitating. The confusion leaves her eyes and they begin to sparkle. It can't just be the reflection of the stage lights, can it? Her grin creeps back up and that's gotta be a good sign, so he takes the plunge dipping his head down to kiss her. She immediately pushes up into the kiss, standing on her toes. Her hands drift up his chest like live wires to help her keep balance. He'd thought nothing could beat the high of an amazing performance but this, this moment with Julie, is euphoric in comparison.
Neither of them remember that there is a whole crew of people recording. They both miss the glance between Reggie, Alex, and one of the cameras. The same glance they've missed every time they've gotten lost in conversation while the cameras were rolling. They don't hear the cheers from some of the crew, drowned out by the still roaring crowd, celebrating this turn of events after months of watching the two's feelings for one another grow.
It takes Alex's snapback hitting him in the back of the head for Luke to pull away, his eyes not straying once from hers. He watches as her eyes drift behind him and suddenly her face comes crashing to hide against his chest. Looking behind him, he sees the cameras, and behind them, Ray, and he can't help but feel a smidge embarrassed. Not enough to wipe the smile off his face or dampen the happiness coursing though him right now though. Glancing back down, Julie's curls are all he can see and this time he doesn't have to dream. He gently runs his fingers along them to try and get her to show her face again. She doesn't, but he can feel her smile pressed over his heart and that works for him too.
anyway. the documentary comes out and it does well. but then years later after they get engaged, all of her coworkers show up to the party with giant grins on their faces
and Ray interrupts the festivities to announce he has a surprise for the couple.
they are presented with a high quality documentary of the beginnings of their relationship. WITH interviews.
there are even milestones from personal cameras. not just from that beginning time, but from other moments throughout their relationship
they are in love. everyone knew it was happening. and they are super grateful getting to watch it happen all over again
#happy juke jeudi!#i made a thing!#i don't even know what my brain is doing with it's life#did i watch any documentaries recently?#nope#so how on earth did this come about?#where did the inspiration come from?#have i been cursed?#is this a blessing?#why can't i work on any or my actual wips?#af;lgkhjadl;fkhjg;lkdhjsf#the questions never end#anyway thanks for reading!#joolee attempts writing#joolee's crack-like thoughts#juke#jukebox#juke fic#jatp#julie and the phantoms#julie x luke#julie molina#luke patterson#thedeathdeelers
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i love your blogs aesthetic!!! can you write some eddie fluff where he notices his crush loves to draw flowers as a way to relax from the anxiety around the upside down and always borrows the library's flower books to use as references that he buys her a book of her own?
ofhwofhowehf I LOVE THIS SO MUCH
"you comin', y/n?" eddie coos softly to you.
without lookin up from your sketchbook, you nod.
"yeah, just let me finish up this linework..." you squeeze out.
"my little van gogh," he whispers, believing he's out of earshot.
"not van gogh, eds, just mentally ill," you drone, as you pack up your markers.
"did not think you could hear me. come on, we're gonna go see if dustin's girlfriend will give us the background we need for this new campaign."
"that's why we're going all the way up weathertop?"
"yeah, babe. cerebro?" he motions like he's holding a walkie-talkie.
"that’s right. sorry."
while tying up your shoes, your mind swirls with nervous energy. after all the shit you've seen in the last month, your thought process is thoroughly deteriorated. you don't have a second of peace unless you're engulfed in your sketchbook, trying to paint the very picture of serenity. everything just feels so, so bad.
"y'ready, honey?"
"yeah, eds, i'm ready. let's go check out cerebro."
it's only about a ten minute drive to weathertop, but you have to take your sketchbook out again on the way there. you open up your plant encyclopedia and turn to the limited section of florals. setting it next to you on the van's seat, you draw in your sketchbook while admiring a lily-of-the-valley.
"sweet girl," eddie sighs, sneaking glances at you when the road doesn't demand is attention. "you've been nose deep in that sketchbook for what? a week? talk to me."
he reaches over and squeezes your thigh.
"makes me feel better, eds. i'm havin' a hard time. told you this already."
"yeah, i know you told me. i just mean maybe talkin' about it will help it go away."
"talking about it will make me spiral. i don't like to 'cos i won't stop talking, and i'll start crying, and talkin' in circles, and it'll ruin the entire day. i'm sorry." you look up.
"i get it, angel. don't have to explain, or feel bad." he pulls the van over.
"what are you drawin, then?" he snatches up your sketchbook, flips through the pages.
"baby..." his mouth hangs agape.
"babe. these are fucking incredible. why so many lily-of-the-valleys? not a bad thing, they're so pretty. but are they special to you?"
you shake your head, and point at the botanicals book.
"there's only a few flowers in here. i can't draw anything from memory, so now i've got half a sketchbook full of one flower... but it helps."
"oh, my god, y/n. oh my god. hold on." he reaches into the center console.
"what're you doing, eds?"
"just hold on a minute, honey."
he puts the van in drive again and turns it around.
"eddie, where are we going?" you laugh.
"couldya just be patient? it'll be worth it. i promise."
within a few minutes, eddie is parking the van again.
"i'll be right back, okay?" he huffs.
you're on the commercial street of hawkins. boutiques, hawkins post, and the supermarket are here. you don't really hang around here often. he's left you with your thoughts again.
what is he doing?
ah, there he is, holding a blue paper bag. he opens up the driver's door and slides in.
"gotcha somethin'," he breathes.
he hands you the bag.
"eddie, what--" you open it. a book?
flowers, a golden guide. a guide to 200 of the most common wildflowers.
you are absolutely astonished.
"eddie, thank you! thank you so, so much. they only had a foliage one and this botanicals one at the library! thank you so much, eddie. this is so, so special to me."
his smile could put every single streetlight to shame.
"'m so glad you love it, baby. if it's flowers that you love, then flowers you shall have." he leans in until his forehead is touching yours.
" i love you the most, y/n."
"i love you even more."
#eddie munson x yn#eddie munson#eddie munson x reader#stranger things fic#eddie munson fic#eddie munson imagine#eddie munson fluff#asks
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Born in Doncaster, Tomlinson was part of the boy band One Direction, who sold more than 70 million records worldwide. After they split in 2016, he launched his solo career and returned as a judge to The X Factor, the show that launched the band. He has a son, Freddie, six, from a previous relationship with the stylist Briana Jungwirth, and lives in north London.
I’m not an early riser. When I was touring with One Direction, I used to wake up at 4pm as the adrenaline of being on stage and after-show partying meant staying up until 3am was normal.
I’ve been touring solo all year and the post-show energy is still intense, but I’m out of bed by midday now.
If I’m not touring, Doncaster is where my heart is, but I split my time between my house in north London and LA, where my son lives.
The first thing I do every day is have a strong coffee. I love a full English but I’m lazy, so I’ll probably have a bowl of cereal.
I’m very good at just watching shit TV all day, but if I’m trying to be productive I like to inspire myself by watching interviews with other artists I admire, like Arctic Monkeys or Liam Gallagher. It’s dead interesting hearing the way they think.
If I’m having a lazy day, I’m not gonna lie, I rate Bargain Hunt. I love it when someone pays well over the odds. I’ve not been invited to the celebrity version yet but if my career starts winding down one day, who knows? If I’m writing or recording, I’ll never start a session before 2pm. I’ve learnt not to get too carried away when a tune gains momentum. Sometimes you think it’s a f***ing banger, then you come back to it three days later and it’s not quite as good as you remember.
There’s a different sort of pressure being a solo artist, and the lows are lower on your own. In One Direction we made decisions collectively, but now it’s all on me. That also means the highs are higher. This year I did a concert in Milan in front of 34,000 fans. The adulation was almost overwhelming, but I could take all the credit — not just one fifth.
For lunch, I love a tuna sandwich with salad cream — not mayo — and some prawn cocktail crisps on the side. I’m a shit cook. I’ve survived on microwave meals for years, but I do feel sorry for my son — he must be sick to death of cheesy pasta.
I never work too long away from LA, so I see Freddie as much as I can. After my LA gig he came on stage and played the drums, which he loved. I think he assumes that it’s normal for everyone’s dad to tour the world performing.
Being a father has changed me but because my mum used to work nights and I was the oldest, the responsibility fell to me to feed, dress and bathe my younger siblings, so I’ve already had a parenting crash course. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t challenging, but it’s so rewarding too.
Social media has been really important for connecting to my fans, but I’ve got a funny relationship with it. It can be a toxic place and I’ve had some unhinged messages sliding into my DMs. I can’t keep up with these people posting 20 photos a day on Instagram, though, as all I’m doing is watching Bargain Hunt and that’s not that interesting.
If I’m performing in the evening, I have a double vodka and Red Bull to calm my nerves. When I was in One Direction, that pre-show ritual made me feel like a rock star. It just gives you such a great f***ing feeling on stage. I’d love to say I don’t get more nervous if I know Harry [Styles] or any of the other boys are in the crowd, but I do. You want to give your best.
When I come off stage I need five minutes to decompress, but I’m still buzzing so normally a big group of us will go out. I won’t be touring like this for ever, but while I am I want to have all the fun I can. That usually ends at about 3am with me crawling into my pitch-black bunk on my tour bus before we start the whole process all over again the next day.
Tomlinson’s album Faith in the Future is out on Friday on BMG
Words of wisdom
Best advice I was given
Always be a student of music
Advice I’d give
Have faith that if you’re not happy with where you are, eventually you’ll be all right
What I wish I’d known
Make the most of the lack of responsibility that youth brings, as being young won’t last for ever
#for my nice anon#I’m pretty much always willing to post these things i just usually only do it if I think folk are interested#or if I have something to comment on#so if I haven’t it’s because of that and if u want it u can slide in my inbox anytime#and I’ll post it for you#as always I get irritated by UA’s posting selectively edited articles#baby he doesn’t need you editing his life#Louis Tomlinson#the times#unedited#a life in the day
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I am drunk on ‘I connected the dots’ energy rn but like forgive the incoherency because I NEED TO SHARE— so I was staring at the posters again and my thought process was: first poster had a crack running through Claudia’s face + second poster has the crack running through Rayla’s face… So, what does a crack signify? Injury? Loss of self? And then it hit me like lightning.
Crack in face = split personality.
And so, my take on the fake Rayla theory is that fake Rayla is not fake at all, but real Rayla who is under the control of Claudia.
That’s why Rayla comes back to the castle so easily, without having killed Viren, looking relatively calm and collected and not very conflicted at all - which felt so odd to many because it felt so out of character for her self-loathing and self-sacrificial self. But you know who it does seem in character for? Claudia. Compare to the way Claudia acts with the boys after the first betrayal in s2. The easy way she talks to them, as if they’re still friends. The lack of guilt. The dark mage cloak.
That’s why Rayla looks real but her actions feel off. It’s her body, but Claudia’s controlling it.
That’s why the story can have Rayla reunite with the boys without making her leaving narratively pointless. Because Rayla is not coming back of her own free will, she’s still midst development arc with her incorrect beliefs. (And what better way to teach her a lesson about leaving her loved ones ostensibly to protect them, than to have her used against them?)
That’s why Callum’s emotions/words/actions on seeing her again won’t be wasted. Because Rayla will still be able to witness all of them, even if she can’t choose how her body responds.
That’s why the first thing we see her with is the cube, why we later see Callum clutching her sword. Because this is how Aaravos is choosing to use her, not an illusion, the real her, to lure Callum in.
I’m writing this on 0 hours of sleep after having the ‘crack face = split personality’ maybe-epiphany so I’m sure there are a dozen holes in this theory but damn if it’s not the only thing that I think makes total narrative sense for Rayla both coming back (physically) and not coming back (willingly) at the same time.
Listen I always love people coming into my inbox unhinged bc I feel like I'm always unhinged about this show, these days, and I deeply appreciate the solidarity. However I am nothing if not a nitpicker which is to say:
Rayla is nervous to see Callum, it's just not the closeup shot they chose
And Claudia did show remorse around the boys post-betrayal
I was reflecting on it today and I think I may have figured out why Rayla's come back (plot inciting incident wise that also works with everything characterization wise) that I'm going to make a larger post about after this or once I corral my thoughts about it, anyway.
But her absence is two-fold: it's the catalyst for both her emotional arc and a driving force behind Callum's, too. They both need to be resolved and be resolved together (pointedly because it was a separation, tbh).
The biggest narrative weight behind Rayla's absence has always been 1) the way reconnecting with Callum after will force her to reckon with the fucked up ways of thinking that led her to leave in the first place and 2) the emotional toll it's taken on Callum. Prior to this, one of his biggest motivations from S2 onwards was to not lose her (2x07 with dark magic, so much of S3 and the climax of arc 1 itself, TTM). Now he's lived through that. He's lost her once. I expect a decent amount of S4 to focus on what he's willing to do in order to not lose her again - and by exploring that, give her choice to leave the emotional weight it deserves, tbh
Because Rayla can still be used against her loved ones and still see Callum be put in danger because of her, and can still have her epiphanies, you know... if we go the CHET route
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The Killing Moon Author's Note
He asks if he remembers her.
He doesn’t answer.
There is quiet longing between them in moments when they are alone that Link still cannot place. He thinks he needs time but Hyrule won’t grant them peace. Especially not when there is a kingdom to rebuild and the Blood Moon still rises. But Link doesn’t want to rebuild, he just wants-
(Or, Breath of the Wild 1.5 for those who are tired of waiting.)
Rated E - Post BoTW/ TotK theories - 50,834 words - complete
Read The Killing Moon on Ao3
(Two months later, here it is!) Wow. I cannot believe this story is finally done. I started writing this before so much of what defines me and my life today even happened…I look back at 2017 and the things that used to excite me, bother me, worry me have shifted and changed so significantly…and yet LoZ remains
There have been a few games in my lifetime that have touched me this way, becoming sources of comfort during challenging or stressful times, never losing their luster. (“Seriously, you are playing that again, B?” ) The idea for The Killing Moon came following a frantic explosion of creative energy after I finished BotW for the first time. I didn’t want it to be over. I remember diving into fanfiction at the time, hungry for anything and everything that would keep the story alive.
Then I decided to write a multi-chapter, lore-heavy, character-study of a fanfiction. As my first stab at fanfiction. Because, why not.
I churned out several chapters REALLY fast (I think 9??) and then my life got busy, my attention shifted, and before I knew, it had been years.
I would occasionally think about the story, sometimes making a mental note to go back and delete it, only to forget about it again…To be honest, I was nervous to look back at my writing and get stuck….I had had a vague outline of where I was going that was lost, so all I had in my head was a final confrontation under Hyrule Castle (more on this later).
Following a replay of BotW and the 2021 E3…I decided to do a massive edit, removing chaptering 2-9 completely, and reworking the plot to align more cohesively with what we received about the sequel. The story had a clear endpoint and it took off from there.
Major changes/themes/story notes
[MAJOR CHANGE] the tense:
I switched the ENTIRE story from past to present tense (I am positive I've slipped up here and there…I did not have a beta and, alas, I am not an editor…truly, this was written in the sleepy moments I get at the end of the day when my kids are in bed).
The Killing Moon was never meant bring much resolution and I felt present tense lent itself better to the suspense and tension I wanted present throughout with this in mind. Also, from the beginning, this story has been primarily about Link beginning the process of unpacking some of his trauma. I wanted a chance to deepen my version of Link POV and intensify the complexity of emotions he might face after all he has endured…I wanted to honor the complexity living with trauma. At times, it was meant to feel claustrophobic and uncomfortable and confusing. He is actively remembering his past in this story, specifically recalling personal details no one else can give him. Even Zelda is limited in what she can tell him about himself and as Link says, it feels wrong (even though she would gladly do it) to hold her accountable for chronicling his life. So if he wants it, he must endure it.
[THEME] loss of knowledge to time/making decisions on incomplete information:
I also wanted a tense that promoted unreliability…this story is very much a guessing game. For us (the fandom) with the sequel coming, but also the characters themselves…literally working back from the almost-end of the world where many of the information-keepers died and records were destroyed/lost.
BotW is a post-apocalyptic Hyrule. The “golden age” is long gone. Even the “robust” Hyrule we see in the events of 100 years ago do not hold a candle to what is alluded to exist in Hyrule 10,000 years prior. There is little/no mention of KEY elements in LoZ lore because they have been lost to time, purposely concealed, and then forgotten over the ages.
“Goddess, don't tell me you’ve forgotten your sacred charge? “A pause. “The power without equal. The hidden treasure of Sky Keep? Broken by Twilight’s touch? Fa ha ha…The birth of the Calamity has even faded into myth, hasn't it?...Now give me what I ask in return for the secrets of the Triforce.” (Horned statue, Chapter 4)
In the Killing Moon, first time they have ever heard about the Triforce is from a demon.
This Link and Zelda, in a way, resemble the first version of themselves. They have very little guidance. The history they are working through is incomplete and potentially inaccurate (maybe even skewed by those who recorded it) and yet, they must face destiny all the same. As we saw in BotW, destiny doesn’t wait for you to be prepared.
[THEME] the burden of destiny/ trauma across lifetimes:
Jacob Geller provides a beautiful narration to the theme of darkness in the Zelda series as a whole and does a magnificent job of summarizing what sets BotW apart. “It is a game in which each acre, every abandoned stable and crumbled temple and forgotten spring is a monument to your failures.”
I didn’t come upon this video until very recently, but I feel like it captures the essence of the the "big picture stuff" I was aiming for with Link. The first scene I wrote for The Killing Moon was actually his panic attack in chapter 3:
"Nothing - left of me," he continues in a desperate whisper. He can’t read her face. "If we have to - again," His hands are sweeping in front of him, tracing his broken speech in patterns that feel true. “I won't come back. My body but I-”
A new resolve takes hold of him. He doesn’t need her to just hear him -he wants her word. He’s in her face now. She takes him up in her hands again, and furiously thumbs away the tears from his cheeks. He is supposed to be dead. He whimpers and dips his head down, chewing, chewing, chewing on the words.
"Not-not even sure I'm fully alive!"
To die (I know the jury is out on whether he actually dies or not, but in The Killing Moon, he does die 100 years ago), come back without your memories (essentially the stuff that make us who we are), into a world that has seen generations since you closed your eyes, and be thrust back into a destiny you have already failed…and then the WEIGHT of your past lives…thinking about the overstimulation alone breaks my heart. I feel it in my gut.
Now that Link has finally done it, “completed” the task he was charged with 100 years ago, what happens to the weight of duty when the war is won? What happens to a weapon? Does he get put on a mount somewhere, too? Does he turn to dust?
He can’t even figure that out because of the inescapability of his fate. In the first chapter, he is called to destiny a THIRD time in a single lifetime.
He is also trying to make sense of this with another person. Someone he learns he once loved, who still loves him, who he understands has danced with him in these roles over many lifetimes.
Is there any part of this soul that is his alone? (Chapter 7)
How much of this was manufactured? Does that even matter to him now? Can he allow himself to have feelings? In BotW, we learn 100 years ago Link felt so burdened by duty, he stopped speaking (in The Killing Moon, it is a total loss of the already very little verbal speech he had as an individual who is/was selectively mute.) Now, faced with another “calamity” of sorts, it is his feelings toward Zelda, in particular, he struggles with. And she as well -can they allow this when they know what is at stake? There is a push and pull intentionally through the story, the impact of severely ingrained GUILT for wanting more than what they are destined for. Wanting each other more than anything.
“This isn’t the first time I’ve heard stories about your travels, all you’ve done for everyone else since you woke up. It doesn't feel like my Hyrule anymore. It feels like yours.”
“It can be yours, too.” His voice frays at the end. He sets his hands on her thighs. Something burns in his throat.
“It’s OK. I’m at peace with this. Really, I am. I will do everything I can to protect it. To protect them. For you.” (Chapter 10)
Also a feeling that their timing is off. Their specific time together, that they were supposed to have, has past (I think we see it in AOC tbh). They’ve lost that to destiny, too.
[MAJOR CHANGE] Big Bad
"A Spring is created only when a divine spirit departs from Hyrule." A mischievous smile. “What is born from shadow? A Void. The Blood Moon is a harbinger of what’s waiting beyond. See, look here-” (Hino, Chapter 3)
In the original draft of this story, before 2019 E3, Void was the name of the "Big Evil" in this Hyrule. It was going to be revealed as another title for Demise, trapped inside Ganondorf who was sealed under Hyrule Castle. I shit you not, lol. His sealing was going to have been flawed somehow and the malice or essence that escaped is how we get Calamity Ganon. That is why in chapter 7 the movements of CG in the footage are “off”. Basically a dead spirit carcass being possessed by the Big Evil because, fuck, he’s not going to die that easily after 10,000 years and then another 100 more of being this close.
When we got the teasers, Void became a description for the concealed bit of history. I still wanted to play with the themes of parasites/possession and added in the possibility that after his time with Zelda, a silver of the human he was started to come through. You can read my thoughts on the battery theory, which heavily influenced the connection between Ganondorf, Link and Zelda in this story.
“All three or none at all.” (Master Sword, Chapter 7).
Ganondorf too is trapped by his destiny and how TERRIBLE it is to be on THAT side of it. Imagine if your destiny was the soul of not a Hero or a Goddess, but a demon. What if your destiny was to be the one who will Eat the World? And what if you loved Hyrule? What if Ganondorf was a man of the people, who was trying to do right and the Royal Family tried to ERASE him from history by sealing him away and concealing everything from the records?
“We are bound too tightly in this fate. We’ve been fighting for a long time. More than a century. It was us ten thousand years ago. It has been the three of us time and time again. Link, when I was in the darkness, sometimes I felt like he was a part of me. And that part was lonely and scared and so tired. I think he wants us to save him like we saved you. Is that crazy?”
I am admittedly pretty obsessed with the idea Zelda feels connected to Ganondorf.
[STORY NOTES] Zonai
Mentioning the Zonai came in the rewrites. Not even on my radar in 2017 when I started The Killing Moon. Clearly, I am firmly in the-Zonai-play-a-big-role-in-the-past-and-TotK-camp. But I didn’t think it was realistic for Link and Zelda to figure out everything about them in this story.
[STORY NOTES] Luminous Stones
Another addition to the rewrite. I became obsessed with all the raw luminous-stone looking crystals in the teasers and ran with the detail about them rumored to contain souls of dead. It did not make it into the story but I did have tons of notes about how these luminous stones might be souls of Zonai or the army of the spear-wielding rider in the pictographs/ petroglyphs and their energy is part of the seal.
[STORY NOTES]Losing the Master Sword
The threat of this was always in the original story but it was emphasized more in the rewrite.
The original story had Link’s nightmare in which the Sword is gone (it was actually written to be symbolic of LINK “becoming” the Master Sword in the nightmare, that his body is the weapon, to be bent and broken and forged again and again with the Shrine of Resurrection). Hyrule Forest–resting place of the Master Sword–was destroyed in the original story. It fits well with TotK. I do wonder if the Lost Woods will be inaccessible for the game or for a part of the game.
[Fun-ish facts]
I love to connect all the LoZ stories and overiously do so with direct references to past lives (this story is SS, TP, Oot-heavy). But there are more indirect references in The Killing Moon I tried to sneak in:
"Wind waker" - Stamella shroom tonic for soldiers (Wind Waker)
The three comrades from Link's past (Colson, Medin and Jayde) are called "four swords" by their commanding officer. (Four Sword Adventures)
This is dangerous.” Link starts.
“Take this.” Zelda hands him her torch before stepping further into the cave. (Chapter 11)
(A spin on "It's dangerous to go alone, take this!" The Legend of Zelda 1986)
Thank you to those who have stayed with the story. Thank you to those who are new. I do this for fun and I can't tell you how much it means to me every time I get a notification someone took time out of their day to leave kudos or write a comment or I see the story was bookmarked. Comments/questions always welcome. I am planning to go back and do some minor (mostly grammar) edits but I already have some ideas for a continuation once TotK is out.
I just love this fandom.
B
#bahbahhhwrites#loz botw fanfic#botw fan fic#long fic#author's note#the killing moon#legend of zelda#loz#botw#loz fanfiction#loz fandom#totk theory#totk fanfic#tears of the kingdom
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in ~early-mid 2022, i received an ask from an anonymous messenger that i don't have the soul to go back & dig up. it's main message, the sort of theoretical thread connecting sentence to sentence, was essentially that - no matter how pained & self-contorting my writing might be - there is also a deep truth pervading through it in much the same way that sunlight might peek through cracks in the concrete. so, i should keep writing. i am essentially paraphrasing - the way this was all delivered was, of course, much more comprehensive. i vaguely remember it being sort of perceptibly run-on, or 'excited', loose, like the writer was functioning on either too much or too little energy.
this post is a kind of open letter to that anon, though i sincerely doubt they are still interested in me, as a way to soothe my own moral conscience. i have reached a point where i think, be it passively or actively, about them every so often. iif you are not that anon, i don't really mind whether you skip by disinterestedly or continue on;
hi. we talked only briefly, if one could even consider it a talk, i want to say... last july? it was pretty one-sided, really. you said something, i gave a response. but even that little microscopic interaction between two people reflected enough humanity for me to remember it in comparison to the wide array of normalized inhumanities.
your message to me was very emotionally loaded in a way that i, be it shockingly or not, was not really equipped to process. or, did not want to process it? i spent some time mulling over & came up with a response that, i think, was actively missing the point. i remember, in the moment, finding it a bit harsh but genuinely feeling an absence of other possible things that i could think of & then write out. there was an absence in my mind of how to respond to admiration.
for example, you sort of offhandedly, at the end somewhere i think, said that i should continue writing, perhaps a book or something like that, because you felt that i would "come to define generations". that felt uncomfortable. i couldn't confront it as anything other than what it seemed to be. why place that expectation onto me? it felt unduly deifying. etc. i didn't realize that it was never about the books, or the offhanded line that it would define generations; it was about the personal truth there
my entire response was filled with these little technocratic, inhuman nitpickings: "why the expectation that i should write a *book*, of all things?" - embarrassing! deeply...
there are many anon asks that i spend my time thinking about, or hold as deeply important to my internal world. the flurry of crush anons that i received one night in spring of 2022 is one such occasion, or the anonymous person who told me that they wished more people were as honest about their personhood as i am (more-or-less). i can tell already that the one i received yesterday will grow to be equally important, somewhere down the line, when i am starved of further interaction. anonymous affection is always important to me, because it is anonymous. it's an ideal my brain uses as a substitute & always has - the flurry of crush anons, for example, is important because it was crush anons. it was world-rending, feeling it to that degree. or, it's why i become so inconsolable upon seeing that my writings might not have been received with some arbitrary interactions online, like accidentally revealing a chip in my armor & being unceremoniously blasted. your message has been a fixture for some time.
there's a specific phrase that you used, i think it was like... - "but there's a truth there." it is one of the idle phrases that i repeat under my breath when i am alone. a kind of rapid, nervous self-talk, like a child attempting to console itself.
i hope that, for what it's worth, this message displays some of the gratitude i lacked then - even if you don't see it. thank you. love you
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ok y’all know that spider oc I made a while ago? I edited him a bit (a lot) and decided to post it so here it is (I cannot draw so it’s just a description)
Name: Adler Lee
Nationality: Australian
Hero name: Agent Spider
Age:28
How long has he been spider-man? 13 years
Dimension: Earth-8121
Friends: Hobie, Spider Noir, Peter B, Jess (kinda), Gwen, Pav and pretty much the rest of the main cast.
Enjoys: Cooking, writing, photography, boxing, watching movies, reading, video production and sewing
Normal job: Film crew and part time bartender
Fun facts he has SPD (sensory processing disorder) and sometimes is out wearing headphones and sunglasses. He also might suddenly shut down due to it.
He also has dyspraxia but he learned how to do things in a way where he won’t get killed while being spider-man (the spider senses helped him a lot)
Another fun fact he can play the guitar and saxophone
Uranic (only attracted to men/masc presenting non binary people) and ftm trans.
Normal outfit:
Black loose fitting shorts with big pockets. (tight at waist, loose everywhere else. Looks like a trapezoid)
A thin green-brown checkered button down
maybe a white shirt under if he’s feeling sophisticated
all white baseball cap (backwards always)
dirty old converse
a bandaid on his nose and on his cheek (somehow always getting cuts there)
those 3d glasses from the movie theater (he loves them)
headphones around neck
Spider suit:
White to dark purple fade
hood
white lines all over
purple lines on the hood
triangle patters at the legs
sleeveless
blue gloves
tinted eyeholes for SPD
microphones so he can hear better (helping for dyspraxia)
physical description:
poofy light brown hair
brown skin
prosthetic left arm (i’ll get into it later
green eyes
buff
6 foot 4
thick accent (he also swears a lot and uses a bunch of Australian slang)
prosthetic arm
Good traits:
confident
respectful
Charming (ish)
easygoing
realist
stable
funny
witty
bold
flexible
cool older brother energy
neutral qualities
impulsive
stubborn
SWEARING :0
carefree
somewhat secretive
all over the place
messy
sneaky
bad qualities:
brutally honest
overly sarcastic
VERY blunt
harsh (if he doesn’t like you)
Protective
unpredictable
cunning when he wants to be
unruly
careless
habits
always rubbing shirt
cracks knuckles when nervous
rocks himself from side to side or back and forth
cannot sit right at all
somehow has everything that everyone needs like you need pads? dude has some of all sizes as well as tampons. Water? BOOM. Cold water bottles. he’s magical
never remembers whatever people say
yet he somehow remembers people’s habits and schedules
speaking of schedules he never follows one unless he feels like it or it’s his normal job
other things:
(plot hole) he either lost his right arm due to having Phocomelia syndrome which made his arm completely disappear at birth or he lost his arm while getting slammed into a building by a villain idk which yet
He’s on the olympic team for boxing and he got a few gold medals before
His canon event was his sweet Italian next door neighbor who was basically a father figure to him.
His parents were kinda trash if we’re being honest and were the reason he swears so much (learnt habit from them)
His dad was always away and hardly came home and his mother was an alcoholic, and when his dad came home (for once) they would always argue
He would usually run away to said neighbor that died because they were very comforting and cared for him.
Goes into big brother mode whenever someone younger than him gets hurt because he also had a younger brother that
Gives everyone the most random nicknames
Bro is still shocked about being bit cause DUDE LIVES IN THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION OF NEW YORK. THERE ARE SPIDERS EVERYWHERE. he wasn’t prepared
he lives in a small apartment building with 2 cats that he loves very dearly. There are plants and candles everywhere almost looks like a wild jungle.
he gives out keys to his apartment to other spider people if they need a place to stay
somehow a god at cooking
idk what it is but i have a feeling that if he died he would die from trying to protect jayden/cory or another spider person he cares about a lot from the spot
he prepares for everything when it comes to people visiting so he has a bunch of stim toys for people who need them
he knows how to copy people’s personalities surprisingly well like if he doesn’t like u because you’re cocky or something he’ll act the same way to get on your nerves because he’s petty
his universes art style is similar to super smash bros and if he was introduced to the movie it would be similar to “Agent Spider joins the party!”
bro would probably have a crush on someone in the main group like noir or something but adler would most likely die/get extremely injured before a confession
#across the spider verse#oc#across the spiderverse#spiderman#spidersona#into the spider verse#spiderverse
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GET TO KNOW THE AUTHOR.
name: mel
pronouns: they/them/theirs
preference of communication: mainly tumblr IMs these days, but i have discord and wire and occasionally i will drop my info on tumblr, give it out privately if asked, or add if someone else is looking to add. it can take me a while to work up the courage to message someone in the first place and i'm really... not good at the usual social cues of "hey how are you/good how are you?/what have you been up to?" but i'm usually game to chat about other stuff
most active muse: Caleb. i've had a lot of other muses but he's been the one i've been most consistently able to write in the slightly over 3 years since i first started writing him.
experience/how many years: i had a couple false starts trying to set up rp blogs for Samwise Gamgee from the Lord of the Rings trilogy and Wirt from Over the Garden Wall back in 2014 and 2015? but i just never really managed to get off the ground and start writing in-character for them because i was super heavily intimidated by the rpc and too nervous to approach anyone. finally in january 2017 i stumbled across a parody of Portal 2 on youtube called the Unauthorized Musical and discovered that there were already a handful of muns on tumblr who had picked up characters specifically based on that production and regularly hosted rabbit streams where they'd watch the video again together and welcomed anyone who wanted to join to do so. i noticed nobody was really writing any antagonistic characters against them so i wound up setting up a blog for GLaDOS and following everybody i met during the stream and that was essentially how i became hooked on tumblr rp. i've been kicking around on and off for about 7 years now.
best experience: there's so many to choose from, but i think i'd have to say my best experience was when i started writing Caleb. i was just fresh off watching Westworld season 3, i was actually feeling more compelled at the time to try and write either Dolores, Maeve, Clementine or Teddy but i felt like i wouldn't do any of 'em justice. i ended up making a sideblog to my old multimuse after deciding i would try writing Caleb, and that's where i almost immediately connected with melody/aworldofyou/copiesofme and was enthusiastically introduced to a bunch of other muns residing in the tiny but mighty westworld rpc. 🥰
rp pet peeves: one is pretty much the same as Sandra said; making a new main blog in the spur of the moment. exhausting all energy on curating a distinct aesthetic for icons/banners/promos/custom themes/etc, and then completely losing interest in a week or 2 without ever getting to write that character. and then more often than not the process gets repeated down the line until that person either becomes overwhelmed from having too many blogs to manage or too many memes to answer or too many starters to write.
i also don't particularly love memes that promote making rp into a popularity contest or seeking an almost constant stream of validation from other people. things like "send a _ and i'll rate your blog on a scale of 1 to 10/using a scale template" i try to stay far away from. arguably every notification you get on tumblr is an instant dopamine hit just like all social media is but. idk there was just something about those blog rating/character rating memes that made them feel more addictive to send and receive than like, taking the time to give someone your honest opinion on how you feel about them as a person or on their writing and characters and such.
another similar thing is reblog chains to the effect of 'reblog this if you actually like following me/seeing me on the dash.' i really don't like these. there's a level of self-deprecation and guilt-tripping involved and when people already feel awfully low and vulnerable to negative self image this just makes it worse. especially when people post with side commentary like 'oh nobody will reblog this from me lol.' and i don't think they're always necessarily aware that this is manipulative behavior, but...it is. even just the way the source post is typically phrased, it preys on insecurity and it makes me sad when i do see mutuals reblogging posts written like this because then i'm like. just sitting there thinking "i'm not a spambot so...if i didn't like following you or seeing you on my dash i would not be following you??"
other forms of reblog chains like 'reblog to give the person you're reblogging from a hug' or 'reblog this and say something nice about the person you reblogged from' are far better in my opinion because they don't inherently contain that same level of insecurity. they put the focus on lifting up and supporting the person you're reblogging from instead of centering on yourself.
plots or memes: i like both but i am very much a memes person because i feel like i'm not very good at plotting.
long or short replies: i don't really have a preference! but lately my thing generally seems to be letting the length creep up so my replies just get longer and longer over time. i never expect anyone to match me, but like. the one thing that would crush my soul is me posting like. 5-7 paragraphs and getting back a one sentence or one word response 😭
are you like your muses: i have a few things in common with caleb, one of them being that we're both neurodivergent and just trying to exist in a society where it is typically seen as undesirable to be classed as such. i stumbled across a venn diagram a while back comparing and contrasting common traits associated with ptsd and autism and it has given me a lot to take into consideration in the way that i portray caleb
tagged by: @k4ndall
tagging: @gunslingcr @paddyfuck @weirdwonderful @killjoysanonymous @prettydead & you (not labeled)
#i'm an underachiever — out.#dash games.#in which getting to know me means getting to know...that i ramble a lot
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Turns out I'm Inspirational?
Something really positive that happened to me, that I only fully integrated now consciously into my reality.
I used to have a very big fear of sharing myself. I was raised to believe that the only thing that I had to offer publicly, that was of any worth, was my objective achievements, dry knowledge and facts, and my personal impressions were not useful or important enough, and even if I already had them they needed to be tailored to people's needs and expectations in a specific way in order for me to be accepted at all.
Then life pushed me to express my feelings into writing. I had so many thoughts swirling inside me, so many emotional burdens crushing me, and writing really helps me organise myself and my own thoughts inside my head. Kind of like writing a diary is a meditative practice to some people. But because I still have the emotional desire to be useful, I feel the need to share my impressions, because it feels unsatisfying, useless and selfish to keep what I have concluded to myself. If at least one person benefits from my journey, I consider it a success. Yet at the same time, the negative conditioning I received was clashing with that need and was making me feel very awkward whenever I was posting anything. I knew objectively that I was being too nervous about it, that people don't really care because they have their own lives, but my past traumas of being bullied and mocked so severely made me feel like I was going to get punished whenever I would express myself honestly.
Nevertheless, I felt forced to do it, simply because I needed a resolution and I didn't want to endlessly carry this amount of emotional pressure. I decided that I don't care who laughs at me or hates me for it, I still need to be myself and stifling it any longer would be just too unhealthy. And then the most amazing thing happened. Every time I took that internal risk, people came back to me with words of encouragement. I received so many nice comments and even private messages, so much more support than I expected. People related to what I've been going through, felt compassion for me and some even expressed admiration for me as a person.
But most amazingly, many people said that they found my personal thoughts and conclusions just as inspiring as my astrology writing. They found it a useful learning tool...they thought I was inspiring, which is something I achieved simply by being myself, without having to work hard for it.
I still have passion for astrology and have many observations prepared that I will share. But I do that when I feel like doing it, and an enormous weight and sense of guilt that plagued me in the past whenever I wasn't "working" stopped burdening me, when I realised how much I inspire others automatically, just by breathing. It is so painful to go through life constantly accompanied by a harsh, emotional internal critic that dismisses your more fragile emotions and constantly yells at you internally "do something productive already and quit whining, or you're useless". It shows exactly how fun my life has been up to that point, if my mind had to create this particular coping mechanism. It takes active work to remove that kind of thinking process from your mind, and it is not easy.
It was such an unexpected blessing to me when the fragile, emotional energy I carry inside me that I was so afraid of sharing turned out to be something appreciated and objectively useful to others. Now, I don't have to feel like I haven't done "anything" just because I spoke from a more vulnerable place. Because me doing that can mean something to someone. Even if I take a break for some time, I will eventually come back to share my conclusions anyway, because sooner or later I will always have that urge. And the fact that I could achieve that in the most challenging moments of my life is a reward that I never expected to receive.
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Existential discomfort and ADHD
Picture a face. Could be a made-up face, could be the face of someone you know, could be an amalgamation of the two.
When I try to picture a face (or anything else, for that matter), everything about it never stops moving. The head is a layering of all different kinds of head shapes and sometimes random other shapes, always subtly morphing and adjusting and occasionally flashing out into irrelevant silhouettes before coming back to a general human head.
Focusing on any one feature or area is like zooming into a melting painting. Everything in my mind’s eye is always in a state of becoming, both in terms of movement and composition. Whatever I’m trying to visualize, most of everything within or around it is only partially there, fading and warping in and out of a hazy existence. A mouth is simultaneously multiple kinds of mouths in multiple expressions without necessarily feeling impossible or contradictory, any of which might bring about distracting phrases or moods or scenes in my head. The mouth will also occasionally be some unrecognizable shape, as if in response to a suddenly relocated vector point, and will sometimes simply cease to be a mouth at all, or disappear entirely.
In my mind, anything is hard to look at for too long. The longer or harder I try to look, the more elusive it is. Like the scientific eye peering closer and closer at atomic particles, everything is always breaking the rules and splitting into smaller and smaller stuff. More and more relational context, less and less hard truths. This experience can be quite frustrating, even depressing. It’s hard to visualize, oh, anything. It’s hard to make plans for expression, meals, outfits, to synthesize information, prioritize tasks, and to project my intentions into the future. Sometimes I feel like I have a learning or processing disorder, and by definition perhaps I do. It’s hard to get diagnosed with stuff as an adult, especially without health insurance in the US.
But diagnosis can also be another shackle. I don’t think my mental experience is “wrong,” and in fact it’s probably quite common. Just as I may be swimming in the vast body of God (for lack of a better term), eternally morphing and becoming and being composed by/of all happenings simultaneously, my mind is also part of this.
It also feels existential because my efforts to hold something cause it to decompose through my brain-fingers. It sometimes feels like life is flowing by me and I can’t point my life force well enough to engage with it. Visualization is part of creativity, motivation, and preparation. It’s how we align ourselves with a future. Simply writing this post has essentially taken me months.
But maybe there’s a middle ground. Maybe we don’t all engage with life exactly the same way, and maybe engaging with it where we’re at makes it easier to broaden our styles of engagement over time. While using modern concepts (or language at all) to identify my experience has helped me in many ways, it may also be holding me to preconceived ideas of normal, right, useful, healthy, et cetera, and thus tricking me into a self-limiting understanding of self.
Easing into that understanding has required staying with this discomfort -- the discomfort of struggling to focus and to express, the discomfort of looking into this experience long enough to see what all it touches, without getting too distracted by what it feels like and what all that may bring up in my mind and heart. It’s possible to stay with it and learn from it and process it, though it may take many tries and many years.
And God knows, I’m still uncomfortable. Processing discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean “fixing.” “Fixing” assumes a problem. Processing just requires giving the energy somewhere to go, spreading out across a wider nervous system until the backlog of energy has eased and the flood has receded, and we can see the patterns left on the shorelines. The effects are writ there and we’re living them. There’s plenty of work there, alone.
May we stand in our discomforts long enough to process whatever’s waiting inside them.
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Post-conceptions
One preconception I had for this course was that there will be a lot of writing. I was nervous about how much writing there is because I have a lot of friends that had taken the class before and told me about the course structure. As we reach the end of the course, the writing was not nearly as much as I expected. The journal entries are very engaging and do not feel like work we have to do. I also wrote that I expected to learn practices that promote sustainability as well as learn more about our local ecosystem. Reflecting back on this, I was spot on. Essentially every class we talked about sustainability and how we can work towards it in every aspect of our lives. The Earth Charter comes to mind now when I think of sustainability. The Earth Charter is a booklet that teaches vision, ethics and promotes action for a just, sustainable, and peaceful world. The field trips taught me so much about our local ecosystem, specifically the CREW trip comes to mind. I learned countless things about how CREW preserves and protects our water resources and natural communities. One specific topic I got to present on that I found very important was symbiosis. We saw real world examples of this on the field trip with lichen. Symbiosis is an essential natural process that can be found virtually everywhere in the world from plants to animals to cells. Photosynthesis is actually only possible because of a symbiotic relationship. Another great example of sustainability practices we learned was pertaining to reduce, reuse, recycle. This point got talked about a lot throughout class discussions. We have been told to reduce, reuse, recycle since we were little kids but never really knew the importance of doing it the right way until we took a field trip to the Waste to Energy resource facility. We learned about the process this facility goes through using the waste we throw away everyday and turning it into energy that they can sell. This was a way for us to see sustainability in action, which is a great way to learn rather than just reading it from a book. When I talked about sense of place in the beginning of the year I explained how my sense of place is when I am with my friends or family. For me it was not a literal location and it still is not. When I reflect back on my sense of place It has not changed a bit. Whenever I am down or need help with something I look to my closest friends and family for answers and comfort. One of if not my favorite parts of this class is the diversity I got to experience. Our class is extremely diverse and I was able to talk with students that have a wide variety of majors, and come from complete different cultures. The differing viewpoints of all the students and the professor really opened my eyes when we had class discussions and presentations. Collaboration is and always will be the most effective way to get work done. Everyone brings a different skill set to the project at hand and I normally will hear of a point of view I would not have thought of by myself. This class is geared towards collaborating with fellow students and I had a great time doing so. Some of the pictures below are ones I loved from the field trips. I also included the original picture I had in Journal 1 that shows my sense of place which pertains to sports. My closest friends and I bond over sports all the time.
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