#i wish i didnt constantly live in doubt as to if anyone actually feels how they say they do but with everything it feels like that's all

[technicolorxsn]

I wish I could know for sure what people thought of me

#i wish i didnt constantly live in doubt as to if anyone actually feels how they say they do but with everything it feels like that's all #i can do #i know its a defense mechanism from constant lying and abandonment through my life but i wish i could get rid of it and go back to just #blindly trusting what people say they feel about me #its difficult though #especially when all my brain seems able to do is latch onto small things that could confirm my fears #which is also a defense mechanism from half of my fears in the last couple years being confirmed speedrun style but yknow #idk #im rambling rly #i feel like shit rn and i dont particularly want to go to my partner or really anyone #but i like the sort of. vague solidarity that venting on tumblr gives i guess #the idea that someone sees it and gets it but also lets me keep my space #like. parallel play venting lol #anyway yea #ignore me just thinking out loud

[anonymoushouseplantfan]

DM has a piece by Alexandra Shulman, Alexandra Shulman, former editor-in-chief of British Vogue, she was also the longest serving editor in the history of the publication, from 1992 to 2017 (succeeded by Edward Enninful). Shulman started her career in 1982 at Tatler.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-9334003/ALEXANDRA-SHULMAN-know-efforts-aides-make-Meghan-welcome-didnt-want-help.html

"I know the efforts Royal aides made to make Meghan feel welcome. She just didn’t want their kind of help"

By ALEXANDRA SHULMAN FOR THE DAILY MAIL

PUBLISHED: 17:27 EST, 6 March 2021 | UPDATED: 17:30 EST, 6 March 2021

Before the Duke and Duchess of Sussex married, a professional creative, well used to the intricacies and diplomacy involved in working with Royal households, was interviewed for a role by Meghan.

A mutual friend ran into the candidate immediately after the interview and asked excitedly how the experience had been.

The reply did not sound encouraging. ‘Well. Let’s just say it was like The Devil Wears Prada. And I was not Meryl Streep.’

Judging by the bullying allegations that have now emerged in a leaked email from the Royal couple’s then communications secretary, Jason Knauf, this was not an uncommon reaction.

I have met Knauf many times and I have to say that he must have felt pretty hard-pushed to do something that could undermine any of his bosses.

With her beautiful son Archie, current pregnancy, dashing Prince, stonking commercial deals, Montecito mansion and now her global fame, you would think that the Duchess of Sussex might feel… job done.

What more could she possibly wish for? But as we will be hearing on her Oprah interview (and how I wish I was strong-willed enough not to watch it), that is very far from how she feels.

She is aggrieved. She is a woman much misunderstood. She was, until she was able to flee to Santa Barbara, a voiceless victim like so many of the abused women she constantly tells us she supports.

And who were these tormentors? Well, first up are, apparently, the British media, whom her husband has long also disliked. But a close second are those Royal courtiers and aides who peopled the world she was expected to operate in when she arrived to live here.

One of the striking things about Kensington Palace – the centre of ops for both the Cambridges and Harry when Meghan Markle moved in – is how very old-fashioned it is; think brick-walled cloisters, Jammie Dodgers and hunting prints, strangely muted and dim.

KP, as everyone calls it, is actually a labyrinth of small rooms and neatly proportioned apartments with battalions of young staff steering visitors around the corridors to their final destination.

Like many palaces, it is literally inward-looking with not much of a view and a little bit claustrophobic. As a confirmed California girl, Meghan no doubt found it so. And probably a bit depressing.

The staff who work at KP, like those at Clarence House and Buckingham Palace, are a hugely industrious bunch, happy to put in incredibly long hours for comparatively low salaries because they enjoy the status of working for the Royal Family. And they care. They care a great deal about protecting the Royals in every way, from organising the details of daily life to their image and security.

I remember meeting Knauf for the first time. He was a good-looking young American (a direct contemporary of Harry) wearing a formal grey suit and the requisite palace lanyard, and I found him quite daunting.

He didn’t seem big on small talk or even the smallest joke, and clearly took the view that this meeting was mine to lose. He was the one in control. As I got to know him better, I discovered he has a great sense of humour but, even off-duty, he was implacably loyal to his bosses.

The idea that he, or anyone working alongside him, would have had any interest in not supporting the incoming Meghan Markle as she tried to navigate this new world is simply not credible.

In truth, the opposite is true. Even before Meghan arrived, I know for a fact that the KP team were busy rallying a group of interesting and influential people who might be helpful and friendly to her in a new country.

They had learnt from the sad story of Princess Diana that letting a newcomer flounder in the somewhat archaic Royal pool, where they could feel isolated and unsupported, could be disastrous.

But herein lay the problem. It turns out that Meghan did not want guidance or support, or certainly not of the kind she was getting. No, as we later learnt in her interview with Tom Bradby on the South Africa tour, she wanted to be asked how she felt.

Knauf’s email raising concerns about Meghan’s intimidating behaviour came about after a growing number of complaints – all from women – in Kensington Palace.

At that time in 2018, the corporate world was finally beginning to take accusations of bullying and bad workplace practice seriously – and Knauf, an accomplished corporate professional, had his ear close enough to the ground to know that such things couldn’t be allowed to fester, even in a palace.

The decision to confront this toxic situation would have been nightmarish to make. The last thing Knauf would have wanted was the idea that he and his colleagues were ganging up against Meghan.

In addition, Harry and William were still linked by their joint foundation and a huge amount of behind-the-scenes work had been put into developing the notion of the two brothers as emotionally literate, empowering, modern Princes – and nobody wanted the whole thing to fall apart because of the new wife on the scene.

So, no doubt to begin with, allowances would have been made for Meghan being used to a different workplace culture. The serried ranks of polite young women in KP, with their unassuming clothes and understated make-up, all used to working quietly and cautiously in a certain way, may have appeared lacklustre to her.

But reports that staff were bothered by her sending 5am emails from her yoga mat, as if that were too demanding, would have been wide of the mark. Employees in the Royal offices know they have signed up for 24/7. Pretty well every day of the year. It’s less of a job than a vocation involving a big slurp of the Kool Aid and being prepared to put your own life on the back-burner.

Although we might think that we Brits have a more hierarchical culture than the Americans, the US workplace is far more status-led, with much more visible deference expected from juniors to seniors.

Meghan would have been used to the noisy can-do ethos of that arena in contrast to the measured but often more effective British approach.

In the States, at least until very recently, it was not uncommon for employers to scream and shout when they couldn’t get what they wanted – right now. Harry’s ‘What Meghan wants, Meghan gets’ admonishment, so jarring to our ears, would have been an entirely acceptable mantra in many an American institution.

But perhaps more difficult than a clash over working styles for the team who worked for Meghan, and possibly for Meghan herself, is that they seemed unable to provide her with what she wanted. Or even to know what that was.

What was clear though was what she didn’t want: being told what she could and couldn’t do.

I have always thought that an American woman I know found me patronising because, on our first meeting when she was new in town, I suggested places and people she might be interested in. She lost no time in telling me that she knew it all already. Meghan clearly felt similarly.

Unlike the Princess of Wales, Meghan arrived on the scene as a woman in her 30s, with friends and connections, experience and opinions all bedded in. She knew what she liked and wanted, and had no interest in anyone thinking there might be any gaps where she would appreciate a bit of advice.

And unlike Catherine Middleton, who, by the time she married Prince William, had experienced years of living in the Royal goldfish bowl with its oxygen of protocol and precedence, Meghan would have been confounded by what might seem ridiculous prohibitions and rules. 

Maybe it’s not surprising that she shot the hapless messengers, venting frustration on the team trying to help, and drove them away. Her lawyers deny bullying ever took place, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard a bully acknowledge themselves as such. Often they don’t even recognise they are doing it.

You have only to hear the way Meghan refers to The Firm (Prince Philip���s term for the working Royals), as if it were a cross between the Cosa Nostra and the Scientologists, to know that Team Sussex will no doubt regard the timing of the release of these accusations as directly targeting Meghan in revenge for the Oprah interview. And they may well be right.

But such is the Oprah machine’s build-up of the revelations of this interview (and let’s not forget one being broadcast as Prince Philip lies in hospital, which unless the Sussexes had rubbish lawyers, they would have reserved the ability to postpone), it was probably too much too expect, of even our usually buttoned-up Royals, to sit back and take it.

After all, they, like Meghan, are only human.

[parrishh]

i'm like, 90% sure all of the anons in my inbox right now are actually the same person so, if that's you, i'm just going to answer all of your mister impossible questions in this post since there are a lot of them and this is going to be really very extremely long

"Wait what why is Jordan awake?"/"Is the sweetmetal of declans picture helping jordan stay awake?"

i don't know why she's awake but i don't think it's the painting, because at the end of the book she's outside declan's apartment, not her own. i guess it's possible that she succeeded in making the painting a sweetmetal powerful enough to sustain her even there, but i feel like there's probably a different explanation. i've seen theories that she's inadvertently made herself into a sweetmetal by finally seeing herself as her own person rather than just a copy of hennessy, which is interesting

"And the things about the ley line Idgi? Hennessy wants to stop the power but for what"

i think hennessy thinks shutting down the ley line is the best (or even only) way to get rid of the lace. she hates herself for the lace to the extent that she doesn't even want to live anymore, so of course that's her primary motivation. she feels hopeless so long as the lace has power. she's desperate

"Why did he think adam was in on declans plan? I think the "oh" was more like oh you want to come with bryde of course...."

the "oh" is in response to ronan saying "i'm calling now. i need to see you", before there's even any mention of bryde. adam says "you're here? oh", not "you're here? why are you here?" the fact that he didn't ask why ronan was in town, the fact that he said an "oh" of realization instead, implied that he already knew why ronan was in town. and he could have only known by speaking to declan. i think it was a reasonable conclusion on ronan's part

"Ronan are you being serious????? Why should Adam/Declan drop everything and come fight with you - they didnt even know where you are, they don't know the plan. Then you accuse them of that Moderators plan without questioning them. And I mean, yes, Ronan is easily manipulated and he thinks everyone is against them and Bryde is the only one who cares but come on!!!!!!! Seriously, doesn't he get that he might be in the wrong????"

i mean, i think you hit the nail on the head when you said "he thinks everyone is against them." for a long time, he's been struggling with feeling alone, like he's a burden, like the people he loves don't really understand him. he's never had a healthy relationship with another dreamer, so it makes sense that he feels so isolated from literally everyone he cares about. and now he just found out two of the most important people in his life went behind his back to conspire against him (even if he doesn't have confirmation about adam, declan does admit to it over the phone) which is just...salt on a wound he's had since he was a kid. i'm not saying he's in the right, but i do understand why his immediate reaction was what it was. when you've been hurt like that, it takes some time before you can like, calm down and reconsider your own role in the situation

"Ronan basically dreamt Bryde in his worst dream right? Why does he still trust him"

i mean, i don't know how much we can believe what bryde says, but when he reveals himself as being ronan's dream he basically says that everything that he (bryde) wants, ronan already subconsciously wanted before he even dreamt him. that bryde wants it because ronan wanted it. to admit that bryde is in the wrong, ronan would have to admit he, himself, is in the wrong, too, and that's not easy. especially because a lot of his motivation is saving matthew and not wanting to live with the weight of matthew's life on his conscious anymore. especially because he's felt alone for so long, and now he just found out the first dreamer to truly make him feel less alone is his own creation. he's hurting. a lot. he will admit to being wrong in the third book, i think, but like i mentioned above, that kind of growth takes some time

"I think Ronan actually doubts Brydes plan too bc he thinks stuff like people built the dam, there are living things here, it cost a fortune..... and i personally never see a purpose in what they're doing bc bryde never tells them and ronan obviously doesn't know or he thinks he doesnt. I think he doesnt and he just trudts bryde blindly for now and his insecurities aka bryde take over and rule over ronan. Thoughts?"

i mean, i think ronan sees the purpose. here are his thoughts, directly quoted from chapter 17 when bryde is talking about restoring the ley lines:

"A world where Matthew could just live. A world where Ronan could just dream. A world where every dream was clear and crisp and easy to navigate, so there were never accidents or nightmares. He wanted it."

he wants, as i mentioned above, for matthew's life to not be reliant on his own (which i understand. that's a really heavy knowledge to live with.) he also just wants to be able to exist wherever he wants and with whomever he wants (thinking, for example, about how he wasn't able to get an apartment in boston in cdth), without constantly worrying that the nightwash is going to kill him. poor guy just wants a normal life

"Also did we ever actually see bryde get something out of a dream? Most work did Ronan"

this is interesting. now that you mention it, i don't think we do. supposedly he dreams the orbs, but i can't recall ever seeing that happen? i could be wrong, though

"And why is the nightwash mostly ronans problem? I mean hennessy and rhionna (?) had it very little and who knows if the other dreamers have it"

i think ronan is a much, much more powerful dreamer than any of the others. there's something...More about him. something special about being the greywaren. i don't know what it is, specifically, but i anticipate that's something we'll find out in the final book, and i expect it'll explain why the nightwash affects him more than it does the others

"Who the hell dreamt the mods"

i don't know! i think the most popular theory right now is that it was nathan farooq-lane. i'm not sure how that works, though, since they killed nathan and bryde took the sweetmetal off of lock pretty early in the book (unless nathan isn't actually dead, somehow) (or bryde is nathan, which is another popular theory). another theory is that it was ronan. like, he was feeling so alone and misunderstood that he accidentally dreamt his own persecutors? or it's possible that they were all just dreamt by random dreamers and that's why they felt strongly enough about the "cause" to become moderators, but that's kind of boring

"And why are R B and H so dangerous? Bc of what they're doing?"

yeah, and, i mean, according to liliana's visions, they have the power to end the world

"Can I point out that Idk what everyone is talking about, I dont get pynch possible breakup vibes at all from this book"/"Am I trippin or did I read another book? Because some fellas say there's no pynch"

i think when people say there's no pynch, they just mean that there's very minimal pynch interaction, specifically. because, yeah, even though they're both constantly thinking about each other, it is true that we only get one moment of them actually interacting (the phone call), and it's obviously not a positive interaction

i don't think anyone actually thinks they'll break up. at least, i haven't seen anyone say that and i've been feverishly reading everything under the mister impossible tag, so

"What struck me as really odd was that Adam bought this stupid 14$ waffle which he would have never done a few months back and I dont think he would do it now? 14$ is a lot of money esp for a waffle so why spend it on something as useless as this? And why do the others need Adams money? Are they all on scholarships? Was it just bc he had cash and the others didnt? And why is he treating them like his followers and they treat him as their guardian or whatever like he clearly needs to be honest with them"

okay, first off, i will say, as someone who grew up poor and, like adam, absolutely busted my ass in high school to get a good scholarship so i could go to college, the relief of actually getting that scholarship is...powerful. my financial anxiety definitely didn't disappear once that happened, but there was, at least in my experience, this feeling of "i made it, it's going to be okay now" that made it a little easier to spend money. i don't think it's that unrealistic that he, now having the security of a harvard education, would spend fourteen dollars on something he doesn't need every once in a while. it would be completely out of character for henrietta adam, yes, but it's a bit different now. plus, it wouldn't suit his faux Harvard Adam persona to refuse the waffle because of how much it costs

i think his friends are all a lot more well-off than he is. it was just that they didn't have any cash on them and the waffle truck didn't take card (also realistic, i never have cash on me so i always have to ask someone to spot me when a place turns out to be cash-only)

i think (a) they all look up to him because he has this really calm, cool and collected persona. more importantly, we can assume that they were all struggling with something when he met each of them, since they were all crying. now in swoops this guy who saw them upset and came to comfort and befriend them. of course they see him as something like a hero. and (b) i think he likes that. in high school, he was the one being rescued, not the one rescuing. i think he enjoys being the kind of person he used to wish he could be (ie. gansey. he's being gansey)

"I thought it a bit funny in a weird way that Declan talked about marrying Jordan…I can't imagine he was being too serious about it?"

no, i mean, i don't think he was literally proposing, not yet. he's just really happy for the first time in a long time (maybe ever) and, after a lifetime of pain and trauma and more responsibility than he ever signed up for, i don't blame him for wanting that feeling to last forever, even if he's not really thinking clearly

"Also I think it's amazing they make each other so happy but the ending makes me a bit sad or surprised bc shouldn't Matthew be his nr1 priority now?"

we only have jordan's perspective at the end, so when she thinks that it was clear declan had come out of his apartment looking for her, i don't think that necessarily means he wasn't also looking for matthew. i don't think it's fair to say that, in that moment, he should prioritize either matthew or jordan. he loves two dreams, so he can and should be concerned for both of them equally. i don't think one love is inherently more important than the other just because it's lasted longer or because it's family

#WHEW THIS TOOK FOREVER #thanks for the questions! sorry i don't know what i'm talking about half the time! #mister impossible #mister impossible spoilers #mi spoilers #w's mi asks #answered #anon

[motherofbulldogs]

ALEXANDRA SHULMAN: I know the efforts aides made to make Meghan welcome. She didn't want their help

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-9334003/ALEXANDRA-SHULMAN-know-efforts-aides-make-Meghan-welcome-didnt-want-help.html

Before the Duke and Duchess of Sussex married, a professional creative, well used to the intricacies and diplomacy involved in working with Royal households, was interviewed for a role by Meghan.

A mutual friend ran into the candidate immediately after the interview and asked excitedly how the experience had been.

The reply did not sound encouraging. ‘Well. Let’s just say it was like The Devil Wears Prada. And I was not Meryl Streep.’

Judging by the bullying allegations that have now emerged in a leaked email from the Royal couple’s then communications secretary, Jason Knauf, this was not an uncommon reaction.

It turns out that Meghan did not want guidance or support, or certainly not of the kind she was getting. No, as we later learnt in her interview with Tom Bradby on the South Africa tour, she wanted to be asked how she felt

I have met Knauf many times and I have to say that he must have felt pretty hard-pushed to do something that could undermine any of his bosses.

With her beautiful son Archie, current pregnancy, dashing Prince, stonking commercial deals, Montecito mansion and now her global fame, you would think that the Duchess of Sussex might feel… job done.

What more could she possibly wish for? But as we will be hearing on her Oprah interview (and how I wish I was strong-willed enough not to watch it), that is very far from how she feels.

She is aggrieved. She is a woman much misunderstood. She was, until she was able to flee to Santa Barbara, a voiceless victim like so many of the abused women she constantly tells us she supports.

And who were these tormentors? Well, first up are, apparently, the British media, whom her husband has long also disliked. But a close second are those Royal courtiers and aides who peopled the world she was expected to operate in when she arrived to live here.

One of the striking things about Kensington Palace – the centre of ops for both the Cambridges and Harry when Meghan Markle moved in – is how very old-fashioned it is; think brick-walled cloisters, Jammie Dodgers and hunting prints, strangely muted and dim.

She is aggrieved. She is a woman much misunderstood. She was, until she was able to flee to Santa Barbara, a voiceless victim like so many of the abused women she constantly tells us she supports. Meghan is pictured above with Harry while the aide whose email exposed bullying claims is seen left

KP, as everyone calls it, is actually a labyrinth of small rooms and neatly proportioned apartments with battalions of young staff steering visitors around the corridors to their final destination.

Like many palaces, it is literally inward-looking with not much of a view and a little bit claustrophobic. As a confirmed California girl, Meghan no doubt found it so. And probably a bit depressing.

The staff who work at KP, like those at Clarence House and Buckingham Palace, are a hugely industrious bunch, happy to put in incredibly long hours for comparatively low salaries because they enjoy the status of working for the Royal Family. And they care. They care a great deal about protecting the Royals in every way, from organising the details of daily life to their image and security.

I remember meeting Knauf for the first time. He was a good-looking young American (a direct contemporary of Harry) wearing a formal grey suit and the requisite palace lanyard, and I found him quite daunting.

He didn’t seem big on small talk or even the smallest joke, and clearly took the view that this meeting was mine to lose. He was the one in control. As I got to know him better, I discovered he has a great sense of humour but, even off-duty, he was implacably loyal to his bosses.

The idea that he, or anyone working alongside him, would have had any interest in not supporting the incoming Meghan Markle as she tried to navigate this new world is simply not credible.

In truth, the opposite is true. Even before Meghan arrived, I know for a fact that the KP team were busy rallying a group of interesting and influential people who might be helpful and friendly to her in a new country.

They had learnt from the sad story of Princess Diana that letting a newcomer flounder in the somewhat archaic Royal pool, where they could feel isolated and unsupported, could be disastrous.

But herein lay the problem. It turns out that Meghan did not want guidance or support, or certainly not of the kind she was getting. No, as we later learnt in her interview with Tom Bradby on the South Africa tour, she wanted to be asked how she felt.

Knauf’s email raising concerns about Meghan’s intimidating behaviour came about after a growing number of complaints – all from women – in Kensington Palace.

At that time in 2018, the corporate world was finally beginning to take accusations of bullying and bad workplace practice seriously – and Knauf, an accomplished corporate professional, had his ear close enough to the ground to know that such things couldn’t be allowed to fester, even in a palace.

The decision to confront this toxic situation would have been nightmarish to make. The last thing Knauf would have wanted was the idea that he and his colleagues were ganging up against Meghan.

In addition, Harry and William were still linked by their joint foundation and a huge amount of behind-the-scenes work had been put into developing the notion of the two brothers as emotionally literate, empowering, modern Princes – and nobody wanted the whole thing to fall apart because of the new wife on the scene.

So, no doubt to begin with, allowances would have been made for Meghan being used to a different workplace culture. The serried ranks of polite young women in KP, with their unassuming clothes and understated make-up, all used to working quietly and cautiously in a certain way, may have appeared lacklustre to her.

But reports that staff were bothered by her sending 5am emails from her yoga mat, as if that were too demanding, would have been wide of the mark. Employees in the Royal offices know they have signed up for 24/7. Pretty well every day of the year. It’s less of a job than a vocation involving a big slurp of the Kool Aid and being prepared to put your own life on the back-burner.

Although we might think that we Brits have a more hierarchical culture than the Americans, the US workplace is far more status-led, with much more visible deference expected from juniors to seniors.

Meghan would have been used to the noisy can-do ethos of that arena in contrast to the measured but often more effective British approach.

In the States, at least until very recently, it was not uncommon for employers to scream and shout when they couldn’t get what they wanted – right now. Harry’s ‘What Meghan wants, Meghan gets’ admonishment, so jarring to our ears, would have been an entirely acceptable mantra in many an American institution.

But perhaps more difficult than a clash over working styles for the team who worked for Meghan, and possibly for Meghan herself, is that they seemed unable to provide her with what she wanted. Or even to know what that was.

What was clear though was what she didn’t want: being told what she could and couldn’t do.

I have always thought that an American woman I know found me patronising because, on our first meeting when she was new in town, I suggested places and people she might be interested in. She lost no time in telling me that she knew it all already. Meghan clearly felt similarly.

One of the striking things about Kensington Palace – the centre of ops for both the Cambridges and Harry when Meghan Markle moved in – is how very old-fashioned it is; think brick-walled cloisters, Jammie Dodgers and hunting prints, strangely muted and dim

Unlike the Princess of Wales, Meghan arrived on the scene as a woman in her 30s, with friends and connections, experience and opinions all bedded in. She knew what she liked and wanted, and had no interest in anyone thinking there might be any gaps where she would appreciate a bit of advice.

And unlike Catherine Middleton, who, by the time she married Prince William, had experienced years of living in the Royal goldfish bowl with its oxygen of protocol and precedence, Meghan would have been confounded by what might seem ridiculous prohibitions and rules.

Maybe it’s not surprising that she shot the hapless messengers, venting frustration on the team trying to help, and drove them away. Her lawyers deny bullying ever took place, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard a bully acknowledge themselves as such. Often they don’t even recognise they are doing it.

You have only to hear the way Meghan refers to The Firm (Prince Philip’s term for the working Royals), as if it were a cross between the Cosa Nostra and the Scientologists, to know that Team Sussex will no doubt regard the timing of the release of these accusations as directly targeting Meghan in revenge for the Oprah interview. And they may well be right.

But such is the Oprah machine’s build-up of the revelations of this interview (and let’s not forget one being broadcast as Prince Philip lies in hospital, which unless the Sussexes had rubbish lawyers, they would have reserved the ability to postpone), it was probably too much too expect, of even our usually buttoned-up Royals, to sit back and take it.

After all, they, like Meghan, are only human.

#daily mail #alexandra shulman #meghan markle

[hellreads]

For anyone who saw this, i urge u to read Right of Way. Okay io, my heart. First, as a jk stan, i feel like a several punches hit me from every direction. I'm the kind of reader who easily immersed into the character especially w the pronoun 'you' i feel like someone is reading me a story of my life, so yes i am bawling, usually it took me a few fluff or smut fic to simmer down the emotion but not this one. I went to bed with swollen eyes. I couldn't read a shit after that.

I will put all my answers under the cut because this is RoW and my emotions for this fic has no end T_T | 🍒

❤️ Rara | 🍒 Io (I decided to answer it as if we’re just chatting and not hurting rip our weak hearts for RoW Jimin, Jungkook, and OC)

[AN EXCHANGE FULL OF SPOILERS]

❤️ : For anyone who saw this, I urge u to read Right of Way. Okay io, my heart. First, as a jk stan, i feel like a several punches hit me from every direction. I’m the kind of reader who easily immersed into the character especially w the pronoun ‘you’ i feel like someone is reading me a story of my life, so yes i am bawling, usually it took me a few fluff or smut fic to simmer down the emotion but not this one. I went to bed with swollen eyes. I couldn’t read a shit after that.

🍒 : Rara, I feel you!!! I am the type of reader who hardcore immerses herself even if the main character gets killed or is a ghost because the best way for me to relate and feel everything to the core is to immerse, I can never read something as an outsider, okay maybe there’s a few I started out as an outsider but eventually caved in (even named OC fics lol, it’s fun to be someone else), sorry to break it to you but NO FIC CAN EVER HEAL THE DAMAGE RIGHT OF WAY HAS DONE TO YOU, NO FIC CAN MAKE YOU FORGET OF THE EVENTS, THE MISTAKES, THE REGRETS, THE PENANCE, THE ACCEPTANCE, THE WEIGHT THIS FIC WILL HAVE ON YOU IS TOO HEAVY YOU NEED A SUPPORT/SUFFER GROUP. 

ONCE YOU READ RoW YOUR HEART WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.

❤️ : RoW jk is childish, to me. But maybe he is just naive or confused. For him to fall for oc but still care about sohee is kind of dick move to me, but someone once told me “we cannot choose who fall in love with, and we certainly cannot choose how it will happen either”. That’s their fates. I’m pretty satisfied w the ending bcs there’s no bad person in this story, just bad decisions. What saddens me is, it seems like only OC who pays the price.

🍒 : That is true that he seems like a childish one but isn’t that the beauty of being a child? loving without limits, with all your heart? no hesitations, just trusting that love will be kind, good, untainted even, he saw something in OC that’s why he opened up himself to her and fell for her even if we cannot fully understand the set-up they agreed to have, I hated him for staying with Sohee, I could never understand that part but then again have you seen how feral Sohee was for Jungkook? the girl would kill for the boy, she snaked her way to get him and she’d do anything for history to not repeat itself, but the gods said fuck you Sohee we’ll let the boy stray, he cheated once, he’ll cheat again, what makes you think you’re special hun? you’re right nobody is a bad person here since they’re all humans, something led them to commit the sins they’ve done in this lifetime…

Sohee’s Fault was stealing Jungkook from Seulgi, she was head over heels for him she didn’t think twice, she just wanted to get him at all costs even if it means karma will find her sooner or later, she lusted after him and eventually loved him so there’s no way she was letting go, hence, she carefully planned everything so she gets pregnant with his baby, sick right? but the reality is she’s not the only one who did this thing to their partner, she just didn’t fucking care as long as she keeps Jungkook.

Jimin’s Fault was trusting and loving OC too much he shrugged every sign of her infidelity under the rug, what a libra thing to do Jimin (I am a Libra and I can attest to this Libra trait especially when in love) he was too blinded by love that he gave her every benefit of the doubt whenever she skips dates, goes home late, always tired, even asking to be fucked dog style, sigh, he lost the love of his life to his best friend (well he lost his loves twice to the same boy) she was nothing but an empty shell pre-programmed to respond to him like a lover would and that fucking hurt, I think among the four characters here he received the most damage cluelessly, what a poor loving soul, my heart shattered for him, he only wanted to give her the world but she decided to run to a different planet.

Jungkook’s Fault was being weak and not opening himself up to Sohee, if he only opened up to her the way he did to OC then this wouldn’t have happened,  she’s always been there but something is still missing but he should’ve talked things with her instead of finding solace in the arms of OC, because of the secret class they shared they had to write something together which I think could’ve been written minus their drunken state but whoops this is their fate, maybe in another universe they belonged together and they’re trying it as well in this one? (coherence fucked up my mind so I keep thinking of alternate universes) also, Jungkook did nothing to stop the sins they’re doing, he’s into deep inside her in every sense and there was no going back, he was willing to ruin relationships and friendships but fate was cruel, he only had a taste of his euphoria before everything came crashing down.

OC’s Fault was thinking she was strong enough to fight her strong feelings and urges, she thought she was not capable of doing such thing, she wasn’t a bad person, maybe the stable relationship really got to her (long-term relationships can get boring and it isn’t pretty) and having a taste of something or someone new is titillating, also, it wouldn’t be bad right? because it’s the worst, just like Jungkook she gave in to lust, god their sexual chemistry and actual chemistry off-sex is something every lover should have except they aren’t lovers but sinners trying to milk each other everything they got before the world reveals their secrets, she knew it was wrong but she always kept coming back for more, as much as she tried to stay away and forget about everything she keeps spiraling down with Jungkook, it was no longer a mistake but a choice. ultimately, she had to pay the price because that was her predicament, she got the short end of the stick, everything was ruined for her, her relationship with Jimin, Sohee, and Jungkook.

❤️ : If i could wish for a different ending i would say a happy ending but that is unreal. I would want oc to end up w jk, sohee didnt ended up pregnant. (Thats the thing isn’t it, when u’re pregnant u’re bound for life, for the sake of the child). Maybe oc can end up w jimin, she will live her whole life as jimin wife and also as a liar. Point is, the ending is “this is bound to happen, someone have to take the bullet” n i think it’s necessary rather than satisfying,

🍒 : You’re absolutely right about somebody taking the bullet and that’s obviously OC, this is why it fucking hurts, you know for a fact that she didn’t do all of this on her own, it’s not like she forcefully had her way with Jungkook, I’m just so appalled because he was a fuckboy and suddenly lost all knowledge and imagination on this exact position “It’s actually pretty shimple… The girl is straddling the guy, her back facing him while her face is turned to the side so he can kiss her.” imo, he tricked her by playing dumb, maybe it’s true they’re tipsy but he constantly bugged OC after which means he remembers everything they’ve done that one sinful night…

~ the first ending I hoped for was Jimin and OC getting back together, I prayed so hard that he’ll have the heart to forgive and take her back but this the reality of cheating and getting cheated on, no matter how much you try to mend and put the pieces back together it will never fit perfectly again, edges now cracked and torn there’s no way their perfect relationship will ever be the same, as one of my favorite songs said “with each passing day the pain still stays the same” no matter how hard Jimin tries, his trust and love for her will never be the same, he will always doubt her and be reminded of her infidelity, it will not be a pleasant ride for them so it’s better that they didn’t end up being together because even if time heals all wounds the scar she gave him will always hurt like a salted fucking open wound.

~ the second one I hoped for was that Jungkook gives up everything even if Sohee was pregnant, this is brutal I know but if he truly loved OC he would keep his promise and be with her, with or without a child growing inside his girlfriend because it’ll never be the same for them but unlike Jimin, Sohee was willing to try and forget because he loves Jungkook too much, I applaud her for trying but I believe she will never be truly happy, she will be constantly reminded of stealing Jungkook from Seulgi, forcing their child into this world as a trap to keep him, and the devastating fact that Jungkook was willing to give everything up for OC, and that for a short period of time he loved her like the world was about to end, and end it did, Sohee won in this lifetime, suffering is a small price to pay to be with Jungkook ig, they can try but reality will come checking up on them once in a while and it won’t be fun, their relationship is damaged but for Hikaru their innocent angel they will try. 

~ the last and ultimate ending I prayed for was OC ending up alone, another savage wish because I love suffering, but this was the only way for her heart to be free from all the pain and guilt, she suffered long enough by keeping secrets and coming back to Jungkook’s arms, she wasn’t a bad person, she was just weak and lost the battle in holding tightly onto her morals because love is something you can’t run away from, yes, I believe that she and Jungkook fell in love it was evident in the incriminating poem he made her “the tiny islands of your birthmark leading me to your center like a happy trail” he paid attention to every part of her and you don’t do that to a random fuck, it was hard not to love the pair despite the sins they’ve done because fuck I’m crying again, my chest now heaving from too much pain ugh, they were perfect (these lines should’ve been on my second ending but whatever I’ll get to my point) if only Jimin and Sohee didn’t exist or sure let them join the picture except they’re just random friends, but they’re not, and that’s why it sucks that she had to endure all of this losing a lover, losing a friend, and losing a soulmate (because fuck the way Jungkook loved her screams soulmate to me except he’s tied to another T_T)

❤️ : My favorite moment would be when jimin found the poems, man it went down like I’m falling from a cliff straight into the coldest sea on earth. U know when u ride a rollercoaster, on the falling part, u feel like ur heart is at ur throat? That how i feel as jimin reads the poem. Now imagine being jimin. Imagine being cheated on in the worst way anyone could possibly imagine. He was ready to propose to oc, jk is his bff, she fucked jk while he was away, on the couch next to their photo…

🍒 : RARA, I FELT THAT, I RECENTLY VISITED A FAMOUS THEME PARK AND FUCK THE ROLLERCOASTER RIDE THERE TOOK MY SOUL, ALL I SHOUTED OUT WAS LOOOOOORRRRRRDDDDD AND I DIED ~ anyway, that poem part fucked me up, I was literally bawling my eyes out, I have been cheated on but if I happened to discover the affair the way Jimin did I would die, when I discovered my boyfriend of almost 8 years cheated on me my heart froze, literally fucking freezing cold and not a single tear dropped that day, the following days were hellish, that’s when I wanted to cry and release all my pain but still no tears (I knew it was coming I guess) ~ this is why the length of a relationship doesn’t really matter because it’s never an assurance that your partner will be faithful to you, maybe things got boring okay I admit to that but what I can never understand is, why stay and cheat and hurt your partner if you’re no longer happy.

no one owns anybody nor is anyone entitled to own anybody or have them as a back-up in case your mission to cheat or flirt fails, that is just fucking sick.

❤️ : I love it that I major in literature study, bcs i can keep my mind sane instead of just blaming myself (oc), i see it from each characters’ pov and god, the author deserves a standing ovation. This is so many asks hehe, i feel like i still have a lot to say but I couldn’t think straight right now, too clouded by the angst smoke, hehe p:s i love u more!

🍒 : ohhh that’s an interesting fact, my major and my profession has nothing to do with literature or anything, in fact, people who studied my major probs hate English ghasdjfghjdsagfhjsadgfjksd, I’m just used to seeing both sides of the story and trying to understand why they are like that, did something happen to them to end up in the situation they’re in? what is missing in their lives? what are they craving for? what tipped off the balance? nobody wanted to be in the predicament they’re in, Sohee, Jimin, Jungkook, and OC were victims of time and circumstance, just because things didn’t turn out the way you want them to doesn’t mean life or fate or destiny is cruel, this is the nature and balance of this universe, if they give everything to us freely even if we tried taking it in the most inappropriate or evil way there would be nothing but chaos, I just hope that somewhere out there our girl OC is happy and having the time of her life, I’m no longer wishing for Jimin to come back, I just want all of them to heal and learn from their experience, it’s sad and painful but they were just never meant to be, Jimin nor Jungkook was never meant for OC, OC wherever you are my love, I hope you’ve healed and loved yourself well and put back the pieces of your broken self together, love will find you and it will be beautiful.

#answered #tete-a-tete #ft #qq #rara #joonkookiemonster #RoW suffering club #THIS IS AN EXCHANGE BETWEEN DEVASTATED READERS OF RoW #SPOILER POST PLEASE AVOID AT ALL COSTS IF YOU HAVEN'T READ RoW YET #UNLESS YOU WANT TO SUFFER? BE OUR GUEST ~ #combined word count: 2579k~ #this was super long i'm sorry rara ~ love you!

[adonis-koo]

bury a friend

| 2 |

Note: Everyone was asking for a part two so your guys wish is my command. I am so sorry to anyone who ain’t reading this like they really need to build a read more tab for mobile writers Anyone want part 3 tho?

Pairing: Yandere!Taehyung/Reader, Jungkook/Reader

Plot: Taehyung was always different. Ever since you were kids he had always been different. Constantly in and out of the psych ward but that never stopped you from liking him when you were little. He was like the brother you never had. Unfortunately after moving in together your life turns into a nightmare that you can’t wake up from.

Word count: 5938

Previous | Next

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Your fingers twitched as they continuously traced a pattern against your jeans. A nervous habit you had formed within the recent months. Your eyes consistently flickered around the room and your pupils were a little too dilated to be considered normal. Paranoia had long set in as your breath hitched unevenly. He would be back soon. When was the last time you had even left the house?

The question caused your mind to trail back to your earliest memory you could collect, It had been atleast a month since. A month since he had caught you talking to Jungkook, a month when he claimed you were his, a month since he officially became the breeder of your never ending nightmare.

There were days when Taehyung was stable, where he was genuinely the person you knew since you were a child, where he’d pout and joke with that boxy grin. Then there were days where he had psychotic breakdowns, where he’d scream at you, lock you in your room, he had even destroyed your phone after seeing you texting your good friend Namjoon.

It was beginning to get more and more difficult coming up with excuses every time you did manage to get out of the house to get to school. Which you were already failing due to being so behind in class from missing so long. Hoseok- your best friend since you had started college was getting increasingly worried each time he saw you. Your eyes stale and dark circles plagued them, you were constantly fidgeting and glancing at your phone anytime he saw you. You knew it was bad, but at this rate, was there anything you could do?

Your new phone had been confiscated by Taehyung who only ever allowed you to have less then five minutes a day on it. Your professor had been sending you material via email since you hadn’t been able to arrive to class- bless the mans heart. But not all of your professors were as kind as your Major’s. But even then access onto your laptop was limited with the internet being disconnected majority of the day.

The twitch in your finger continued as you thrummed them against the surface of the laptop that sat in your lap, your thesis still unfinished as it had been all day long. Most days were often like this, it was a miracle you got anything done or completed around the house let alone for school. That was if you were even allowed to go to school to present it. Upon thinking about all of this it finally dawned on you how pathetic it must sound, you were just merely a puppet now and Taehyung was your puppet master.

But there was nothing you could do, there was a time when you could but you chose not too. It almost made you humorlessly laugh, you actually had a chance once upon a time, a chance of avoiding this living hell. And you chose not to do anything about it. But now it was too late, it was too far gone and so was Taehyung.

Hearing the door open caused you to jolt as your shallow breathes halted, he was home. Your eyes quickly launched down back to your computer, deleting your last string of lines before rewriting them in attempt to look busy. The footsteps heaved behind you before you felt an all too familiar grip wrap around you, “I’ve missed you sweetheart.” Taehyung murmured as he buried his face into your neck. Your body involuntarily tensed as you forcefully swallowed back your fear, “I-I’ve missed you too.”

Any other reply would provoke him, and it didn’t take you long to figure out Taehyung was not someone too provoke. You could feel his lips against your neck curling up at your words even if they were so obviously faked. After a moment he let his chin rest against your shoulder as his eyes scanned over the computer.

It may have seemed innocent to anyone else but you knew better, he was looking for any trace of you possibly finding an outlet to the world outside. You had long since tried but he had never stopped being on guard, his shoulders relaxed when his scan was over before humming out, “When is your thesis due?”

“Tomorrow.” You murmured, your gaze staying planted on the keyboard as you attempted to relax your coiled body, you couldn’t help it though, this reaction was self inflicted from him. It wasn’t always like this.

Taehyung appeared to be calculating something in his head before he finally spoke up, “You can go to class tomorrow to present it, I know my baby’s been working hard.” He kissed your neck causing all of your hard work of attempting to relax go to waste as your body tensed again. He never seemed to mind though as he pecked your neck over and over again.

But his words had brightened your day significantly, you’d actually be allowed to go outside, to campus, you’d see your friends for the first time in a long time.

“But remember,” Your chest suddenly squeezed at the darkening in his tone, “No running off once you’ve finished your classes, I’ll be there to pick you up.”

It was like the butterflies had been plucked of their wings for a minute, but you stiffly nodded your head, you weren’t going to ruin the only chance you had of going out, “Of course.” You murmured. In fact, you shouldn’t have expected any less from him. He would never loosen his tight grip on you, if he allowed you to actually see your friends, attend classes as normal you could learn to love him.

But now all you could muster was fear in his presence, it was long past that point now. Pressing one last chaste kiss against your neck he finally released his hold on you, feeling as though you were released from a silent choke hold you let out a relieved breath, “I’ll let you keep working sweetheart. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”

You didn’t bother to turn around to listen to him, as if you’d ever voluntarily speak to him. Taehyung really wasn’t that unpleasant of a person to be around, he could be a completely different in front of his friends. But as soon as that front door shut he was a ticking time bomb.

One you’d rather not gamble with. You were silently thankful for your thesis being due, had it been a regular day you would’ve without a doubt been forced onto to couch for a movie and cuddle session. It wasn’t inherently bad but after witnessing so many of his tantrums firsthand many would simply call you traumatized.

Taking a deep breath in hopes of calming your erratic heart beat you closed your eyes, you didnt have to worry about this tonight. Taehyung was actually a very considerate person when it came to letting you get what you needed done. If only he was that tolerate when it came to letting you have anyone in your life.

Letting your body relax as you exhaled you opened your eyes before refocusing on finishing your thesis, now knowing you’d actually be able to present it gave you the encouragement to continue.

---

Packing up from your last class you sighed in contentment, it was nice and sunny out reflecting your happy mood. You had forgotten how much you enjoy social interaction until today. Zipping up your bag you slung it over your shoulder as you began walking towards the door, “Y/n! Where have you been!” You froze slightly at your friends voice. Hoseok’s smile was as bright as the sun that shined through the window upon seeing you.

You could have hurried out of the classroom but seeing him so happy to see you made you feel bad, you didn’t mean to make your friends worry. Checking your phone you bit your lip, your professor had finished up lecture ten minutes early. You had time.

Giving him a small smile you walked over, “Sorry for the worry, I’ve just been dealing with family affairs.”

Hoseok’s smile faltered upon hearing your words, you technically hadn’t been dealing with anything. Not since your parents abrupt death- but to anyone on the outside it was a good enough cover. You felt your stomach churn in sickness, you were using your own parents death as an excuse.

Did that make you in some way just as sick as Taehyung? No it couldn’t, you weren’t the one that killed them. You hadn’t even realized how uneven your breaths had gotten or the tears in your eyes until your vision of Hoseok blurred. Quickly he huddled you against him into a hug, “I’m so sorry Y/n. Were you

able to hold a funeral?”

You knew why he was asking, had it been any other situation you would’ve invited them all in hopes of some sort of comfort but of course Taehyung wouldn’t allow that, hell you hadn’t even had a funeral for them, “N-no, it was too painful.” Your attempt to stop crying was futile though, it was too late. You had too much pint up trauma to keep it under wraps anymore in the warm presence of your kind friend.

Of course Hoseok wouldn’t question it, he would assume this was all under the guise of losing your parents, but that was only a fraction of the weight your heart had been carrying. After a few minutes you swallowed back your tears and silent cry for help, you couldn’t risk telling him about it.

Not after seeing what Taehyung could and would do to keep you under his thumb. Hoseok opened the door for you as you sniffed, wiping the last remnants of your tears, “I’m sorry Hoseok. I’ve just been taking time off to recover at home.”

Hoseok only shook his head as you both entered the hallway, making way for the flight of stairs to head down to the first floor as he replied, “You don’t need to apologize Y/n, I can’t even imagine how devastating that must be. You better get home and get some rest.”

But just the idea of home was enough to almost make you start crying again, because home was not home. It was your golden cage you could only ever escape from with his permission. Swallowing thickly you forced a smile onto your lips, it came out more like a grimace as you replied, “Yeah I will.”

Both of you had finished walking down the stairs and were making your way out the large metal double doors when you noticed them. Your heart almost jumping into your throat when you saw Seokjin huff crossing his arms, “What do you mean your car as a flat tire? Can’t you just get it changed?”

Looking away sheepishly Jungkook laughed, “If I had a spare I would. I’ll take it into the auto shop tomorrow but for now I really need a ride.” He gave his signature bunny like smile that no one could truly deny. Forcing Seokjin to groan as he flicked his step brothers forehead, “What am I gonna do with- Y/n!”

You instantly ducked your head while cringing, looking towards the ground as your shoulders tensed. Gripping the strap of your backpack tightly as Seokjin hurried over, “Are you okay!? You haven’t been responding to any of my calls.”

“I’m sorry Seokjin...I’ve just...been going through the motions a lot lately.” You struggled to string a coherent sentence together as guilt gnawed in you once more. All of your friends were so worried, you couldn’t just tell them though. You loved them so much you didn’t want to put them in danger for your sake.

Seokjin’s eyes softened as he sighed, “I know, I just get concerned when we don’t touch base. Are doing okay?”

“I could be better,” You gave a tense smile, realizing what you said wouldn’t be good enough you quickly shrugged as you attempted to laugh, “But life goes on right? I can’t...keep staying holed up forever y’know?”

Smiling Seokjin ruffled your hair as he nodded, “Right, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I’ll try to make it.” You nodded, lying through your teeth. But you couldn’t worry them anymore then possible. Above anything else their safety came before your own, “Then I’ll see you soon.” Seokjin nodded pleased, his expression suddenly shifted as he glanced at Jungkook, who had been awkwardly looking away from you both.

Seokjin glanced towards Hoseok and as if they had an unspoken conversation they said goodbye to you and went ahead, “Go on you dipshit,” You watched Seokjin attempt to quietly whisper to his brother as he shoved Jungkook towards you, “Go ask her while she’s here.”

Gritting his teeth Jungkook glared at his brother muttering something you weren’t quite able to make out before he turned back to you, his expression melting instantly as his eyes softened, “Hey Y/n,” he greeted softly as he walked closer, you glanced away, suddenly feeling nervous before looking back towards him with a sheepish smile, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry for everything that happened. I know an apology won’t do much but...”

Pressing his lips together he trailed off before finishing gently, “But I just wanted you to know we’re all here for you.”

Your chest spread in warmth from his kind words, and for the first time in a long time you felt a genuine smile pull on your lips, with tired eyes that didn’t go unnoticed you nodded, “Thank you.”

It was quiet but it was the happiness you had felt in a long time.

It’s not like you could really reach out to them, but having that reminder made you feel better. One day, one day you’d be able to ask for their help, “What is it that you wanted to ask me?”

Jungkook’s expression suddenly took on that of a deer in the headlights as he coughed, looking away from you highly flustered, “Um- you- uh- heard that?” He nervously laughed.

You found yourself involuntarily smiling, at his reddening face, forgetting how much you enjoyed that shy boyish expression, he coughed again attempting to gain the confidence to look back at you as he flusteredly replied, “It’s nothing- I mean you’ve been going through so much recently I doubt you’d want to go- Not that there’s a problem with that! You have every right-“

“Jungkook, it’s fine,” You smiled, still unsure of what he was talking about, but seeing him again, actually talking to him again, it made you realize how much you had missed his presence, “I need to start- moving on- y’know? I’ve been a shut in forever. I need to start going out again.”

While you felt nostalgic a smaller voice in your head was also yelling at you. This would be considered heresy if Taehyung ever caught word of you saying this, he owned you. There was no going out on your accord.

But here you were coaxing him to tempt you anyways, it had just been so long since you had done anything.

“W-well....” Jungkook fidgeted at your words as his eyes darted back away from yours, having never quite lost his flustered temperament, “Namjoon was throwing a party at his house tomorrow night- I was wondering if you’d....” He sheepishly smiled, running a hand against the back of his head before continuing, “If you’d go with me....You don’t have to of course! I wouldn’t blame you at all if you’d rather stay home.”

You had opened your mouth despite not really quite knowing what to say, no was the most obvious choice. In fact, you shouldn’t have even let him get this far, but a part of you desperately wanted to say yes. You hadn’t even made a sound before the sudden ding of your phone went off forcing you to snap your mouth shut. Opening your phone as you tensed slightly.

“Here babe, you better be behaving.”

“Is everything okay Y/n?” Jungkook stepped closer, concern written on his face as you forced a tense smile.

Nodding as you quickly stepped back, your eyes scanning over the open courtyard, “O-of course! Um- I- I have to go!” You murmured frantically, your nerves on tilt again, “I’ll meet you at the party okay?” Out of all the things you could’ve blurted it had to be confirmation of you attending.

You quickly walked past him before suddenly stopping, “Also! Uh- my phone hasn’t had any service so don’t worry about texting me.” Before Jungkook could even say goodbye you had scurried away.

Your heart pounded in your chest and your legs felt weak as you rounded the corner, seeing the familiar black mustang where Taehyung sat texting.

Quickly getting in you collapsed into the seat, your legs relieved to be weightless but your twitching fingers wouldn’t stop. Lips pressed against your temple as Taehyung gave you a dorky smile- one so many people would perceive as loving, “How was class babe?” Clearly pleased that you had arrived not a moment late.

“I-it went well! Thank you for letting me go today.” You nodded attempting your best not too stutter, your hands still shaky as you gave him a nervous smile.

Resting his hand on top of your thigh he gave a happy hum as he pulled out of the parking lot. Watching as the campus ground became a distant sight you sighed. It felt as though you were prisoner going back to her cell. And you supposed, you in a way- were doing just that.

---

The more you thought about it the more anxious you became. You had intended bringing up going to school to Taehyung but anytime you asked to talk to him you could never quite find the courage. It was nearing seven pm and you’d imagine the party would be starting soon. You could easily stand Jungkook up, hell he’d probably even apologize but he didn’t deserve that.

You continued fiddling with your shirt in thought as the TV played monotonously in the background. Taehyung had disappeared into his bedroom awhile back and had yet to make an appearance. The more you thought about it the more you ridiculed yourself, it was such a stupid idea. For all you knew Taehyung would be staying in tonight, there’d be no way to escape for a night with him home.

You sighed sinking into the couch, an uncomfortable feeling setting into your chest at the idea of unintentionally leading Jungkook on, he was so sweet and deserved so much better then you. A wash of guilt flooded you and you could feel your face getting hot as tears attempted to blur your vision.

Come to think of it, you didn’t deserve any of your friends. Hearing a door shut you suddenly jumped out of your skin, hurriedly rubbing your eyes as you attempted to busy yourself with the book that sat unread for nearly an hour. Taehyung had entered the room, leaning over the couch as he pressed a kiss onto your cheek, “I’m headed out tonight sweetheart, behave while I’m gone.”

You almost dropped the book from your hand as you twisted around to face him, he was going out? He was dressed in a pair of distressed jeans, a white button up and a leather jacket. With styled back hair showing off his forehead just about any girl outside of your house would’ve considered him boyfriend material. If only they knew...

“Going out?” You didn’t mean to croak out his sentence, looking like a lost little puppy with raised eyebrows. To most people they’d rightfully assume you were shocked. But Taehyung was not most people as he nodded solemnly, “My friends keep annoying me about it...I don’t have to go. If you don’t want me too.”

“No!” You said a little too quickly before sharply stopping yourself, giving a small cough as you glanced away for a second, not wanting to sound too eager, “It’s okay...” You murmured, finally glancing back up at him, grabbing his large hand into your own as you gave him a fake smile, “You hardly have anytime to hang out with them anymore, go on. Don’t worry about me.”

If he could physical manifest hearts into his eyes you were positive Taehyung would’ve, he looked so lovestruck it almost made you uncomfortable, he suddenly popped down, pressing his lips against yours. It had took just about every fiber in your body to not push him away.

You were left little choice in the matter as his hand clamped against your jaw before parting his lips, bitting against your bottom one delicately before breaking away. Letting his forehead rest against yours as his lips pulled into a smirk, “You’re such a good girl Y/n. I’ll be back soon.”

As soon as he turned his back you outwardly cringed, rubbing your mouth as he closed the door at the entrance. It took a you a solid minute of you sitting on the couch zoned out before it really hit you. He left, he was gone. You could go out. But what if he came back before you did? Dread filled your stomach again but your legs weren’t having it.

Standing up you swallowed your fear as you shook your head. Two hours, you’d let yourself have two hours of freedom before returning home. Just two hours, that would be enough. You went back to your room to get dressed, finding a pair of distressed high waisted jeans and regular white T shirt tucked in. Grabbing the over sized knit cardigan you struggled to get it over your shoulders as you hurriedly grabbed your bag.

Just two hours. Intending to open the door your hands froze at the knob, could you really do this? You glanced at it like it was your life line, if he caught you...there was no telling what the punishment would be. If he caught you with who you were with. You swallowed thickly, there was a one way ticket to the grave sight. Taehyung didn’t even a bat an eye when he killed your parents, he wouldn’t have any trouble with your friends. But it’s only two hours! Taking a deep breath you exhaled before opening the door.

By the time you arrived the party was in full swing, the music blared and while the house was all too familiar you felt skittish in such a loud environment. But Jungkook was somewhere in there. Sighing you fiddled with the yarn of your cardigan before forcing yourself up the few steps, wedging yourself past the few frat boys that had always shown up.

The noise was naturally worse on the inside and the lighting had been replaced with colored LED bulbs disorienting the room, the music made your entire chest vibrate as you squeezed your way into the mass of bodies.

Namjoon was not technically a party person himself, but he was a very social and popular person on campus and a great host to be fair. But this was ridiculous, if everyone wanted to party couldn’t they just get the same effect at a club? Over the top was definitely in his name.

Regardless of the flashy atmosphere the limited space had began to give you a sense of claustrophobia you weren’t aware of having. Feeling your breathes become uneven as you tried your best to focus on the crowd in hopes of spotting the doe eyed boy.

“Y/n!” It seemed he had found you first, calling out your name as he gently clasped your arm, causing you to turn sharply to him, “I’m glad you could make it.” Jungkook smiled as he began to tug you over towards the wall where it was less crowded, a blonde you were unfamiliar with appeared to be talking with Namjoon.

Unconsciously Jungkook wrapped a hand around your waist to keep from losing you in the crowd as you both approached the other men. The blond had stopped mid sentence as his eyes landed on you and Jungkook, trailing down to your stomach as he called out, “You didn’t tell me you were bringing your lady friend!”

You pressed your lips together as you glanced towards your feet as you both stopped in front of them. Looking back up just in time to see Jungkook’s glare as he thumped the back of his friends head, “Jimin shut up.” He hissed out quietly.

“Y/n! It’s been forever, how have you been?” Namjoon quickly took your attention off the hot mess of two friends glaring at each other, offering you a genuine dimpled smile.

Giving a small smile in return you shrugged despite the inside of your chest wanting to implode with how much torment you had been through, “I’ve been better but- I can’t live my life cooped up in my room. I’m glad I could make it.” Your words were genuine, you really were glad to make it. It almost felt like you were a normal college student again. But you couldn’t exactly do what most would do here, not if you wanted to get back home at your designated time.

Giving your shoulder a comforting squeeze Namjoon nodded in agreement, “It’s all you can do, I’m glad to see your healing Y/n-“ Stopping mid sentence as if he spotted something in the crowd he sighed exasperatedly, “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Laughing you nodded him to go ahead as you turned back to Jungkook and Jimin who appeared to be bickering, “Should I leave you two or...?”

They both instantly stopped before Jimin smirked grabbing your hand, “No of course not! You’re too pretty to go back out there. I’m Jimin.” You assumed he was being chivalrous in kissing your hand- had Jungkook not quickly snatched it away, lacing his own fingers in yours. A certain glint in his eye that felt foreign looking at. Jimin suddenly snickered as he continued, “Sorry I can’t help but tease. Kook never shuts up about you.”

A smile began to curl up onto your lips as Jungkook huffed, puffing out his chest slightly as he shot Jimin another look, “Would you go away?”

“Fine, fine.” Jimin laughed again as he raised his hands in surrender, “I’ll leave you two alone.” He winked as Jungkook scowled again despite his reddening face.

Sighing Jungkook rubbed his forehead before looking down at you sheepishly smiling, “I’m sorry about him.”

“No, it’s fine- Do you both work together?” You asked turning towards him slightly to get a better view. He looked especially good tonight, his black hair covering his forehead and maroon long sleeved shirt hugged nicely against his chest.

Jungkook gave a sigh, a smile lingering on his lips as he ran a hand though his hair, “No we’re in the academy together, he’s one of my closest friends so he wanted to come tonight. If he didn’t tease so much I wouldn’t mind him staying.”

Remembering Jimin’s previous remarks you couldn’t quite blame him as you laughed, shaking your head at the thought, “No it’s fine, looks like you didn’t really care for his flirting either huh.”

Jungkook’s eyes dilated slightly as he quickly looked away from your smirking figure, cheeks reddening again as he rubbed the back of his neck, “W-well...I...” he looked sheepish again unable to reply as you began to laugh.

He was too adorable for his own good, he ducked his head further down at the sound of your voice, “-Do you want a drink?” Jungkook coughed out quickly attempting to change the subject as he finally peered back up at you, cheeks still flushed.

“I would, but I promised myself I wouldn’t drink tonight.” You gave another smile, amused by his flustered state. Jungkook nodded understandingly before tugging on your hands which you had now noticed were still held, “I’m sure we can find some soda at the back of fridge.”

Despite feeling your face grow hot you allowed him to pull you through the crowd. His grip strong but not too tight on your hand, just enough to make you feel safe. Safe...you hadn’t felt that in a long time. Glancing down at your laced fingers you almost felt a pit in your stomach grow. What would Taehyung do if he caught sight of this?

You knew the answer already, but you were sure killing Jungkook would be considered kind for Taehyung, and he wasn’t kind to anyone who threatened him. You were thankful Jungkook held your hand, had he not it surely would’ve started twitching again. Your free hand was beginning to shake as all your thoughts flooded back to Taehyung. When would he be home? Was he already home? Was he looking for you?

“Y/n?” It seemed Jungkook had been calling your name as he finally turned around fully, noticing your paled skin and shaky breathes, “Hey! Hey, hey it’s okay.”

He instantly clasped your shoulders bringing you closer to him as your vision began to blur, “C-can we go somewhere quieter?” You tried your best to keep your voice steady, unable to look up at him as the tears began to fall down your face. He knew, he had too.

You shouldn’t have been asking Jungkook to do anything, you should’ve gone home and waited for punishment. It’s the only thing you could do if you didn’t want anyone else to die. Jungkook however nodded quickly, tucking you against his side as he wedged you both through the mass of bodies.

Both of you had exited the living room and went upstairs into the outer hallway that over looked the living room.

It was a fair bit quieter and the majority of people hung out by the railing where it outlooked. Jungkook gently stopped you, letting your back press against the wall for support as his grip softened against your arms, “Better?”

You nodded, feeling at a loss for words, looking up at him for a brief moment before tears began to resurface. Not use to such kindness as you attempted to swallow back a sob. Jungkook let go of your arms only to hold your face, pushing back the tears as he quietly hushed you, “What’s going on Y/n? Everyone’s been worried about you. You were fine but now your phone doesn’t work, you’re never at school any more....” Jungkook pauses, as if gauging your reaction, pressing his lips together before he sighed, “You look so paranoid anytime I see you. Y/n, please tell me what’s going on, you can trust me, okay?”

He wasn’t sure what he said wrong but your tears quickly spilt down faster as your breath became ragged, shaking your head almost violently as you quietly sobbed out, “Y-you don’t understand...I..I can’t-“ finally you grabbed his shirt before launching yourself against him, tightly wrapping your arms around him as if he’d disappear from the world, “Please don’t leave me...”

Jungkook must’ve been took a back for moment having stayed still before wrapping his arms back around you, letting his chin rest on the top of your head as he sighed, “Of course I won’t, but I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

His prying only made your grip tighten, refusing to talk anymore until you could properly speak. Jungkook, being as patient as he was only held you closer. Waiting for whenever you were ready to open up on what was going on.

Finally you peeled yourself away from his chest while taking a shaky breath, arms still loosely wrapped around him as you glanced up at him. Eyes darting quickly as hesitance refilled you. Could you really tell him? Would he be safe? You opened your mouth finally resigning to tell the truth, Jungkook was so warm, so safe, he was everything you needed to feel okay again, “W-well I...”

Trailing off you never had a moment to continue your sentence as Jungkook was suddenly ripped away from you.

Eyes dark enough to swallow you whole glowered at Jungkook and the deadly aura was enough to cause you to pale, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing to my girlfriend?” Taehyung spat out, grabbing Jungkook by the collar of his shirt. Your feet felt as though they planted to the floor and you became breathless, all of your paranoia had told you this would happen. Of course he would be at the same party, all of his friends went to the same college as you. This is what you got for not listening, now because of your selfishness someone you loved was going to pay the price.

Jungkook looked utterly foreign to you in this moment as he glared harshly at the other male, grabbing his wrist before shoving Taehyung off him, “You’re the reason she’s been acting like this isn’t it?” It was posed as a question but you could tell it was an accusation. Had Jungkook always been this tall? Had he always been so intimidating?

He had already placed himself in front of you protectively but Taehyung’s eyes had dilated in anger making you swallow thickly, “Thats none of your fucking business,” His voice was calm but there was a quiver of anger in it, “Unless you’re ready to put one foot into your grave Jeon, get out of my way.”

But Jungkook wasn’t budging at the threat. Unfortunately you wouldn’t let this happen, you didn’t know if Taehyung was armed but you wouldn’t let anyone else be hurt because of you. Quickly side stepping Jungkook your vision started blurring again, “I-it’s fine...”

Jungkook was already objecting, grabbing your arm as he replied, “No it’s not Y/n! This is far from okay!”

Taehyung’s grip on your other arm was stronger though as he ripped you away from him, wrapping a possessive arm around you harshly, “This isn’t over Jeon.” He sneered and you could tell it was far from over, no he was going to make Jungkook’s life a living hell.

Jungkook only glowered at him as he replied, “You’re right. It isn’t,” his eyes lowered to you, his harsh expression melting softly, “I’ll get you soon Y/n, I promise.”

You were already being dragged away though, Taehyung’s fingers dug into your waist enough to leave bruises, he was beyond angry as he drug you down the stairs and out the door.

Almost tripping several times on the pavement you were finally at the mustang which you were shoved into the backseat of. Taehyung leaned inside. Arms on either side of you caging you in as he snarled, “Don’t you get it? I love you. You don’t get fucking a choice. Jeon is gonna pay for touching you.” His eyes had severally dilated letting you know he had gone far past his stable point, “I’ll rip off every finger on his hand. Nobody touches you except me. Nobody. You don’t get to love anyone except me. I’ll kill him, and I’ll make you watch while I do it as punishment.”

You had to turned away from him with eyes tightly shut, shaking your head as the tears continued down your face. Curling against yourself as soon as he lifted himself off from you, slamming the door as he got into the drivers seat, starting the car.

You had feeling you weren’t going home.

#bts #bangtan #jungkook #bangtan boys #kim taehyung #bts kim taehyung #taehyung x reader #taehyung x you #bts au #bts au fanfic #yandere!taehyung #yandere!taehyung x reader #yandere!au #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #bury a friend

[ghostbox]

shae and yasin form a val hate club

(the title is misleading just so you know)

it’s not like i enjoy constantly looking through their social media. i hate it. actually, i despise it. i hate being reminded they exist and they’re living ok while hurting others. i feel like the only thing i can do is reach out to those they’ve hurt... it’s hard to keep up with them. they always seem to move on so quickly from victim to victim. they’re just so... vile. nobody deserves the kind of treatment they give out.

however... i’ve noticed that they may have a new victim. though they haven’t posted about them in a while so i can only assume that they did something. looking at their twitter account though it looks... inactive. is it even worth reaching out to them...? yeah, duh of course it is. i don’t doubt they feel alone and helpless... i’ve felt that too many times with that rabid abomination. i’m messaging them.

unholyg0th sent: hey

truthfully, i’m kind of not expecting an answer... i mean the account’s last tweet is from an entire two months ago. this is probably pointless... as i’m already closing the app and about to turn off my phone, i get a notification that someone had messaged me on twitter. it was them. without wasting i second, i go to open it up.

wormydirt62 sent: hi? whos this?

unholyg0th sent: i know this is out of the blue but you were with val at some point right?

wormydirt62 sent: who are you?

unholyg0th sent: oh im shae.

a couple minutes pass as i dont get a response from them. shit, did i scare them off? thankfully, after a couple more minutes, i hear my phone go off again.

wormydirt62 sent: i heard abt u but i still cant trust this is shae

wormydirt62 sent: send a pic of urself holding a sign that says

wormydirt62 sent: idk

wormydirt62 sent: hi yasin

wormydirt62 sent: or smth like that

wormydirt62 sent: just so i know ur shae

wormydirt62 sent: pls

is yasin their name...? i mean i guess i don’t blame them. they must be trying to make sure i’m not just val on a different account. it sounds like something they would do... i obey their request and hastily (and sloppily) write down “hi yasin” in a notebook and take a picture of myself holding it towards the camera. immediately after, i send it right to them and wait a couple more minutes until they finally respond again.

wormydirt62 sent: yea that seems believable

wormydirt62 sent: im sorry i doubted u. i cant be sure who im messaging.

unholyg0th sent: thats understandable. are you ok?

wormydirt62 sent: yea. i think so. u scared me. i thought u were val.

wormydirt62 sent: nvm did u want to talk abt smth

wormydirt62 sent: abt val

unholyg0th sent: yeah. as i asked before were you with val previously?

wormydirt62 sent: i was dating them yea

unholyg0th sent: if im prying too much do let me know

unholyg0th sent: but why did you two break up? did they hurt you?

wormydirt62 sent: i havent even talked to anyone else about it

wormydirt62 sent: but i trust u

wormydirt62 sent: i guess we never properly broke up

wormydirt62 sent: there was just

wormydirt62 sent: one time i refused to listen to them. i had it.

wormydirt62 sent: i was tired of them depriving me from having a friends

wormydirt62 sent: and hurting me from little to no reason

wormydirt62 sent: and the one time i chose not to listen to them

wormydirt62 sent: they freaked out rly bad and killed me

i already started feeling sick just reading what yasin had told me so far. it was all just... too similar to my own. but it looks like val took the extra step and took their life. the poor thing...

wormydirt62 sent: but then i found myself waking up in the middle of the forest

wormydirt62 sent: i was sure val killed me so i wasnt sure why i was alive and breathing

wormydirt62 sent: it wasnt really long until i could tell there were some changes in me

wormydirt62 sent: my cousin says ive somehow changed into a ghoul

wormydirt62 sent: im not sure if val has anything to do with it though

wormydirt62 sent: actually i hope they dont

unholyg0th sent: thats awful... im so sorry that happened to you. you dont deserve what they did to you.

wormydirt62 sent: sometimes i still feel like its my fault

wormydirt62 sent: or maybe like i deserved what they did

unholyg0th sent: no. not at all. you didnt deserve anything they inflicted upon you. they abused and went as far as to kill you. none of the blame is on you.

wormydirt62 sent: i guess

wormydirt62 sent: im still uneasy about that

unholyg0th sent: i dont blame you. i feel the same way after mine and val’s breakup.

unholyg0th sent: just know im here for you. you arent alone yasin.

wormydirt62 sent: thank u

wormydirt62 sent: ur actually rly nice shae

wormydirt62 sent: i knew i should have had my doubts abt what val told me

to no surprise, val seemed to have been lying about me. though i didn’t really want to hear what val had been saying about me. so before yasin could type anything more up, i go to start typing back to them.

unholyg0th sent: of course. i just didnt want you to feel alone.

unholyg0th sent: i know what its like to be hurt by them.

wormydirt62 sent: thank u

wormydirt62 sent: if u dont mind me asking why did u guys break up

i feel my stomach churn just thinking about our dramatic break up. but at the same time... you really wanted to make yasin feel they weren’t alone in the abuse. i begin typing at a slow pace. luckily, yasin seems patient enough.

unholyg0th sent: val abused me both mentally and physically. they even forced me to break contact with the healthy friend circle i had finally gotten myself after so much hard work.

unholyg0th sent: and knowing how violent they were, i was terrified that they would go as far as to kill me if i mentioned i wanted to break up with them. but i wanted to get out of there.

unholyg0th sent: but... i never knew what exactly they were until i took a knife to their chest. i think val truly would have killed me if i didnt know how to run and hide.

wormydirt62 sent: im sorry to hear

wormydirt62 sent: u went through a lot of things with them too it looks like

unholyg0th sent: i did.

unholyg0th sent: i still have to deal with them.

unholyg0th sent: they found out my new home address and they harass and stalk me almost daily.

wormydirt62 sent: oh my god?

wormydirt62 sent: theyre so awful 

wormydirt62 sent: are u ok?

unholyg0th sent: i try to be. i think im slowly regaining back that healthy circle of friends with new people.

unholyg0th sent: so i think i’m going to be fine.

wormydirt62 sent: i hate them so much

unholyg0th sent: me too. i want them to stop hurting people.

wormydirt62 sent: me too

wormydirt62 sent: i havent slept yet so im heading to bed

wormydirt62 sent: thank u for talking with me

unholyg0th sent: go to sleep. you need it.

unholyg0th sent: and no problem. i hope to talk to you more!

wormydirt62 sent: that sounds nice i think id enjoy that

wormydirt62 sent: ttyl

after our conversation had ended, i let out a sigh and put my phone down. the more i hear about val hurting others, the more i wish stabbing them had actually worked out.

#gravetext #oc tag #shae #yasin #abuse m #my writing is BAD #and the ending is STUPIT #but please please PLEASE spare me

[nyruratchet]

Notes 4 - The Morning After

“People. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”

There are pills for straight couples to avoid pregnancy after a few moments of bliss, there are pills to help people stay safe from contracting HIV, there are pills to recorrect the chemical imbalance for people struggling with mental issues; there are pills for EVERYTHING, but no one has derived a magical pill to fix the pain one feels when forced to wake up the morning after valentine’s day alone.

Actually, this problem doesn’t just exist on Valentine’s day. But, seeing as how I’m perpetually single, I can attest to the fact that this day is the most painful (all other holidays come second). Just yesterday, someone asked a question, “yall fall in love with niggas y’all meet on apps??”

My response: Honestly, what are the other options? This is a legitimate question...

Him: Go meet someone in real life...apps aren’t real life! You don’t know that nigga til u see him. In real life, u see everything you as over and over on the app.

Me: You do (meet them), but those are the same guys on the apps. And no one gives you the time of day at bars, events, etc. So, ur stuck with friends of friends, coworkers (nope) and apps...really (WTF?)

Him: Idk who y’all meeting but niggs stay tryin to see wassup on the low when I’m out...especially the damn gym!

Now, I then had to check him and remind him that, just because YOU are so attractive and have thousands of followers that men just flock to you, THAT IS NOT the average gay man’s reality. Just recently a black man on Grindr says he doesn’t like black men. Only whites and latinos. Yep, this is the world I live in. So when you all think I’m crazy to think I’m not in someone’s league, please know there are factors in the chess game that I’m aware of that you have NO CLUE about. Being the darker brother in the gay community is not easy and constantly I am made to feel like I’m not worthy of inclusion in it. Being dark is not acceptable. Nor is being skinny. Nor is not having a BBC (which is all anyone seems to value from us). Nor is being open to love; I’ve been faulted way too many times for that tbh. Almost as many times as I’ve been skinny-shamed or considered fem. Guys in our community are looking more for TS girls than black men. Period. I see “girls” on Grindr far too much. THERE, I said what I said. Grindr’s way of dealing with this influx...ask me to list myself as a CIS man. NO THE FUCK I WILL NOT! I’m a man. These labels are too much. can’t meet men in bars or apps or work. So, let me know...HOW?

To lose my virginity I had to get on craigslist and whore myself out like a rentboy (no money involved) only to get this catfish older man to respond. I was 21 years old and saw this as my only chance before moving to NY. Guys throughout my life up until this point (as i wrote about in my last post) had been ignoring me. I was invisible in the world of gay sex. I might as well have been a eunuch or a monk. I was always the “friend”...still am. So, I took this less then adequate gentleman and let him penetrate me for the first time; give me my first kiss (yuck, it was awful); and teach me a few things. I thought, after this, I’ll never have to settle for less than I deserve...BOY was I wrong.

Back to the part about me being invisible for a moment. Throughout high school, people knew I was gay. I told a few guys and expressed interest and they paid me no attention. COME TO FIND OUT, my (at the time good) friend Jonathan, had slept with a quite a few of them. (Backstory, I fell for Jonathan, he spurned me too, we became great friends, he then transitioned into being a woman, and now we don’t really talk). So, When I found this out, I was devastated. TO THIS DAY, I will never understand why I was not enough. I was SOOOOO nice to these guys. Dustin used to get picked on in middle school, and I used to stand up for him. Nick was the most beautiful boy in the world in high school with a smile that could like up the darkest soul and I would always root for him, etc. But, I wasn’t who they wanted. I mean, You think I’m a good guy now, you should have known me back then. I was such a kind spirit. My soul is so dark now and I don’t think that will ever be rectified.

These next instances are the reasons I will never be untainted. THESE STORIES ARE NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. If you don’t want to cry, feel sorry for me, or worry, stop reading now.

I have been abused mentally, physically, and emotionally. These stories are in sequential order.

When I was traveling once, I was drinking and felt like fulling one of my fantasies. I don’t remember why, but i know that I hadn’t been touched in a WHILE. And for a person who needs that, just a moment where someone can use you to “get off” is enough to make it through the night. One fantasy that is very popular in the gay community of being fucked by visitor who comes in the unlocked door and fucks you, then leaves after he finishes. No strings attached (NSA), photos presented beforehand (pics), usually some time of safeguards in place. I was new, and it was my fault. This guy sent me pictures on whatever app I was using, think it was Craigslist. He told me all his information, I told him where I was staying and said I’d be blindfolded, ready for him to fuck me when he walked in. As SOON as he walked in, I heard the door close and lock and I had a feeling something was wrong. He came up behind me, naked and grabbed my neck chokingly and SHOVED into me. And this guy’s body was WAY bigger than what he said. He was chub/stocky and nothing like what he had sent me. I tried to tell him to stop, that I didn’t want HIM. But clearly, he had done this before. And this was before catfishing was a THING. So, he wasn’t going to stop no matter how much I struggled. So, I resulted that this was a part of the “fantasy” that I had signed up for. I could NOT call this rape. I will never call that rape. Yes, someone lied to me, wouldn’t stop when I said so, but I was totally in the wrong here. I put myself in a situation to be taken advantage of by a stranger. That is one of the things that makes this fantasy so hot. Just happens in my case, that it went terribly awry,  So, I went limp and let him finish. He left. I locked the door and took down the posting I had made. My throat was on fire and he had pulled my hair too hard. But he was gone and I was alone again. 

Another time in a hotel room, laying over in Washington, Dulles I was getting ready for bed. I was hungry, so put my iphone on the charger, grabbed my food and went for the microwave on another floor. When I came back, my phone was charged enough to check my facebook. As soon as I opened it up, on my timeline it says “PAUL IS IN A RELATIONSHIP”. I said, wait...what? My Paul? the one who I helped move? The one I got a xmas tree for? The one I held while crying? The one I protected from himself? The one whose bed I was JUST in? The guy I had been talking to like every day? My heart was beating out of my chest and I couldn’t breathe. Now, I’m not nor have I ever been naive. We weren’t a couple. He wan’t mine. But I wanted him, made it known. He said lots of things that didn’t add up to much. But, I was in his life, so I accepted that until he could give me more. But when I saw THAT status. I LOST it! Why? because he had told me WORD FOR WORD: “I don’t want a relationship right now. I have some little twink guy from this broadway show who likes me, but I’m not interested.” I always did status checks to make sure I didn’t get blindsided. But alas, here I was despite all my effors. My body went NUMB. Tears ran down my face. I dropped to my knees and asked God or whomever was in charge of things WHY the FUCK was it not me?? Am I not cute enough? Am I too poor? Not successful enough? What did I do? I immediately texted my friend Ant and told her what was up and that I was ready to end it. Before I knew it, I was on a 3 way call. What no one knows is, at one point I was bathroom, in the tub, with a razor, a full bottle of advil, a bottle of wine to hopefully make the blood run faster. I had never contemplated killing myself. This was a knee-jerk reaction to someone I loved with every fiber of my being choosing to give his love to someone else who didnt even have to try! If he could throw me away after I gave all I had and more that I didn’t even know I had in me, and he STILL didn’t want me, how is anyone else gonna love/choose me? So, I was ready to end it. Cuz I knew, this would not be the last time this would happen; guys don’t seem to care who they hurt or how. Paul texted me and said he didn’t owe me any explanation “dude”.  But my friends talked me down from that ledge I was prepping to jump off. I also was terrified of doing it. I didn’t know if it would even work. And I didnt want my family to go through that. Till this day, that is why I could never commit suicide. I do think about it, yes. My life sucks. And try as I may, I don’t see a reason for me being here. And yes, I’ve been to many therapists ever since college. Its not a problem that can be talked out. I suffer from depression that can only be assuaged by fixing the problem; the problem is my life. (love, money, music). So, I just try to keep on. I’m not bi-polar; although, sometimes I wish I were. That is a diagnosis that can be managed with medication. My life, cannot be managed. But I’m trying...I am trying.

Now, as I mentioned before, not a big fan of coworker dating/fucking/etc. HOWEVER, there are 2 people I have always said I’d try if I had the chance. Because they may be reading this (doubt it, but I will fight my petty urges), We’ll just call them Trip and Kurt. Now, Trip and I have been messaging off and on doing this whole cat and mouse thing for years. He winds up telling me he’s interested but we couldn’t tell anyone at work; which I agreed to. And would have tried to keep his confidence, FOR HIM. He is really against work relations as well. This all started with grindr and just escalated to us talking off and on. Finally one day, he texts ME and asks “Hey sexy, you in NY?” I wasn’t. Was working. But I never post my whereabouts on FBOOK so, the question was warranted. He said he really wanted to fuck. Our paths kept not being able to cross. So, LONG story short, I rearranged my schedule and we set up a “date” at his place when I got back. I was working a redeye. Told him I’d get home, run my errands take a quick nap and be over to make a full day of it. Trip agrees with everything. I do exactly what I say (I’m a Leo, it’s what we do. We’re consistent. We’re straight forward). I pick up a bottle of $20+ wine to show him I really give a shit and to be courteous because a good southern boy doesn’t arrive at someone’s house empty handed. I knew he had been done wrong and I wanted to put my first foot forward, even if it was just sex he wanted. I message him when I was on the way back home...no response. Ok, I wanna shower. Text him again...tells me he’s out. I say, “ok well just tell me when to head over. I’ll be at home” He says “ok sounds good baby.”  Ok, so I take my hour nap so I don’t miss his text. (For me, you KNOW that is no small feat!) I get up and he still hasn’t messaged me. So I wait...and wait...and wait for 5 hours. Then I text him “Ok...well, headed to bed I guess. Hope you had a good night. (he’s scheduled to work the next day so I KNOW no late fun was happening)  But beforehand, my spidey senses were tingling. So, I got on facebook. OH, he’s out living his best life! Fuck MY time right? Awesome. I had a drink then went to sleep. Next day, he messages me that he fell asleep after getting home. BOO, so...you left your friends (after you went out...yeah, I saw the check-ins), hopped a train, got home, and never NOT ONCE thought to text me to tell me a damn thing?! But you say “sorry” and I’m supposed to just accept that? No. I wanted you past the point of that barrier I placed up barring all guys I worked with. You just took a big dump on that AND made me feel shitty in the process. I took that bottle of white wine to the head by myself at some point btw...

Now Kurt, he’s special...I met him and was immediately entranced. To keep this one shorter, he also told me HE DIDNT WANT TO DATE ANYONE. Guys need to stop telling these motha fuckin lies!  Ok, so I’ll be your friend. But I really like him. So, I’m minding my own business and facebook again notifies me, Kurt is in a relationship. OH? with WHOM? Oh! someone we work with? Someone you met AFTER ME?! Interesting...now, when this boy confessed a secret to me, I was totally loving and told him my past experiences and that he’s and amazing person, etc. So, the next time we work together, I don’t mention his new BF. He brings it up and explains how and why he fell for him. WOULDNT YOU KNOW IT, the boyfriend said the same thing I did about his secret but just BEFORE he happened to conceal it. I tried so hard not to roll my eyes when he told me that. It was like a smack in the face. If you don’t think I’m cute, just say that. But don’t talk about how someone’s heart won you over. Cuz I was here loving on you before. I went back up to my room (tipsy) turned on some Aaliyah and cried myself to sleep. I am never gonna be enough for these boys/men. I saw that now. Paul had recently resurged and re-exited my life after telling me he loved me. I WAITED for that! He was the first man to ever say those words. And they were supposed to mean something! And shortly after...he ghosted me again. So, I’m feeling pretty worthless at this point.

No matter what I do, I’m never good enough. I keep trying to be the best me and there is always someone there saying, nah...this other dude is better. Swipe left. “Thank you, Next” (I don’t like Ariana Grande btw.) I have this fear that when I’m old, some guy I’ve loved forever will find me and say, I married someone else. He’s gone now, he did me wrong. We can be together now. Like I’m only going to be someone’s choice after their first choices have bit the dust. That is NOT okay with me. 

So, here I am on Valentine’s day trying to explain to all of you who have someone to “come home to”. EVEN if you don’t like Vday, do not pretend that this day doesn’t matter or make people feel a certain way. I’m alone AND I’m lonely. Don’t tell me I shouldn’t feel this unless you tell me how to not feel that way; and your explanation better not involve friends. Sorry, friends have their own issues and while checking in and venting is great, they can’t be your life support. They can’t help you take care of your heart. Especially if they are married, have kids, etc. You’re the single 3rd wheel. 

I tried to take myself to the movies. The movies I wanted were all sold out by couples. Dinner, tables full. So, I ate leftovers from yesterday’s dinner I cooked and am halfway through this bottle of wine. You cannot fault a person for wanting love. Finding it may have been somewhat easy/happenstance for you. And I try not to fault YOU for that. Everything has been hard for me. Literally, everything. That’s the only reason I’m still here. Because when something happens, I yell, scream, vent, handle it like Olivia Pope, then continue on. No one is there at night when i lay down. No one said Happy Valentine’s day to me today. No one is gonna smile at me when i wake up in the morning.  Nope, I have to survive my morning after by myself. No pill in hand to help.

“Children needing other children, yet letting our grown-up pride hide all the need inside...acting more like children, than children.”

#valentines #love #unrequited love #dating #relationships #wine #sexy #fantasy #blog #broadway #feelings #mental health #survival

[fanged--menace]

Im low on reasons to live. Very low

Everyone hates me and always will. Im just unlikable. Havent met someone who actually likes me. My future is fucked because im not good at anything. I have no talents, im good for nothing. I want to raise a farm but ahhahaahahhaa i doubt id be good at that either. And its not happening since every fucking place makes it illegal and expensive. Living is too expensive. And whats the point if the earth will basically be dead in 12 years.

My mom always reminds me about how i wasnt supposed to happen and now shes in a lot of debt and i feel its all my fault. My parents hate each other but feel stuck because of me. My mom wants to fucking kill herself and constantly reminds me. I have no one and ill never have anyone.

I hate myself. I hate every single fucking bit about my being. I wish i didnt fucking exist. And i bet everyone else wishes it too.

Why'd it turn out like this. Why is my life so fucked

#vent #im sorry for this i have no one to talk to about it #im scared of my future. i fail at everything so whats stopping me from fucking up everything else

[jellybeanbeing]

A Reaper At The Gates by Sabaa Tahir

DISCLAIMER: This is the third book in the series and if you have not read this book or the first two, please be warned that the synopsis and the review will contain spoilers. But if you don’t care, by all means, do what you want. Thanks!

Synopsis: 

Beyond the Empire and within it, the threat of war looms ever larger.

The Blood Shrike, Helene Aquilla, is assailed on all sides. Emperor Marcus, haunted by his past, grows increasingly unstable, while the Commandant capitalizes on his madness to bolster her own power. As Helene searches for a way to hold back the approaching darkness, her sister’s life and the lives of all those in the Empire hang in the balance.

Far to the east, Laia of Serra knows the fate of the world lies not in the machinations of the Martial court, but in stopping the Nightbringer. But while hunting for a way to bring him down, Laia faces unexpected threats from those she hoped would aid her, and is drawn into a battle she never thought she’d have to fight.

And in the land between the living and the dead, Elias Veturius has given up his freedom to serve as Soul Catcher. But in doing so, he has vowed himself to an ancient power that will stop at nothing to ensure Elias’s devotion–even at the cost of his humanity.

REVIEW TIME! With spoilers!

Where do I even start with this book… I know after I finished Torch, this book was going to shred me to pieces. And it did. So much. Starting this book, I was so nervous and scared. While reading, I was still so nervous and scared. The thing about this series is that YOU CAN’T TRUST ANYONE. Not even our main characters. And I think that is what kept me on the edge of my seat. You just never knew what each character’s true intentions were. All in all, I was a freaking mess throughout this entire story.

SO MANY QUESTIONS WERE ANSWERED IN THIS BOOK. And I’m so happy about it but before we get to that, the Nightbringer had solo chapters! I actually liked seeing his perspective (even if it was only like, two chapters). I was able to understand him more because if you read my Torch review, you would know that I hate him. Now, I hate him less? I don’t know. I just think that he’s become a more complex character that I could kind of understand. Still whenever the Nightbringer showed up, I found myself yelling, “Go away! Stay away from my babies!" 

Elias’s chapters for me this time around were not my favorite. It felt like it was there to still have him included in the story and I’m sad because I wanted to see so much more of him! But I have to say that it was interesting to see Elias’s transition from being human into becoming the Soul Catcher. It was so heartbreaking because he didn’t want to let go of it but it’s always freaking duty first. 

The part that really stood out to me in his chapters was when Elias entered the jinn grove and saw the history behind them and then eventually he sees his past with his mom. You finally understand the story of the jinn and who they were before they were imprisoned. You also get to see the more human side of the Commandant which is always good to see (in my opinion) because it adds a lot of mystery and depth to her character. The fact that she visited Elias when he was still in the Tribes without the intention of killing him and asked what his name was kind of broke my heart. I’m hoping in the next book we understand the Commandant’s true feelings towards Elias.

On the topic of the Commandant, what the flipping fudge nuggets is she planning to do? She doesn’t exactly want to be Empress so what does she want to be? Her whole character is a freaking mystery. Even with some more knowledge on her, she’s still so unpredictable. We finally know why she’s such a cold hearted bitch. With everything that has happened to her, I think it fueled her to become the way she is. Similar to the Nightbringer, knowing more of her past makes her character better to understand but it does not excuse her of doing all the horrible shit she’s done. 

My love for Laia has grown so much since the first book. I’m constantly enjoying how she’s growing so much as a person. In the first book, she was always so doubtful of herself and never saw herself as someone strong but as the story progressed, she’s become a leader who fights for what she wants and is a strong and confident woman. I LOVE IT! 

The part where Laia went off about how Darin was the reason why everything happened and why everyone was either dead or imprisoned was so shocking for me to read. I think it was because Laia never elaborated on her feelings about Darin besides wanting to save him. But I was glad she kind of cleared the air between them because a lot of stuff happened and they weren’t talking about it. 

Also, Laia confessed her feelings about Elias… SHE LOVES HIM. Finally! She was always referring to Elias as her friend even though they had romantic relations with each other. I was so frustrated whenever Elias came close to telling Laia what he said the night he left her to go to Kauf. I WAS READY TO CRY. We obviously know what it was but Laia doesn’t know! I was prepared to have my heart punched at BUT IT NEVER CAME. So I guess we have to wait for book 4.

Oh my goodness! Can we talk about that scene where Elias and Laia get rated R? I was anticipating it but not in the way we got it. Elias is suddenly transported into Laia’s room after seeing his former best friend, Helene bleeding to death and then Elias and Laia just go at it. I mean, I loved it, glad we got it but kind of wished we got more because it was cut off so abruptly. 

But COOK IS LAIA’S MOM. I did not see that one coming. I mean, I should’ve! But the way the Cook was described, I tossed the possibility from my mind. I was hoping for a rekindling of the relationship but that didnt happen and I understand that because Cook is not the same person she was back then. It definitely broke my heart when she sacrificed herself so that Laia and Helene could make it out alive. 

Now let’s get to Helene! Her chapters were probably my favorite throughout the entire book. They were always so interesting and action packed. We got to see Helene grow so much in this book and with every chapter, you could see her growth. I loved it when she said, "Hope is stronger than fear. It is stronger than hate.” This quote will forever resonate with me. 

To see Helene so broken and vulnerable at the end was just heartbreaking. She was willing to give up her life and her soul to save her people. UGH! When the Nightbringer showed up and asked Helene for “a piece of her soul” and she ripped her mask off, I bawled my eyes out. Also, I had no idea that the last piece of the star was her mask! But also, why was it that Laia and Helene owned pieces of the star? 

I’m so looking forward to Helene and Laia’s friendship! The moments they had in this book were so touching. Right in the beginning, Laia and Helene have this heart to heart moment that makes me want to cry. They understand each other and have this bond that I want to blossom. At the end, they have another moment together where they’re actually nice to each other. I can’t wait for the small training scenes with Helene and Laia in book 4 and for this friendship! 

Guys, I think I love Avitas Harper. I was still kind of skeptical about his character throughout the book but once we got to know a little more about him, my inquires about him disappeared. I WANT MORE SCENES WITH HELENE AND AVITAS! Throughout the book, you can feel their relationship shifting to a more romantic one and I’m all for it! Harper is so protective of Helene and he cares about her so much. I love him! When they kissed at the end, I was so happy because they finally allow themselves to have that moment and to let each other in. But then Helene just closes herself in again and I’m just like, no! Anyways, I’m here for this ship, I will sail with it.

Honestly with having read Reaper, I have absolutely no clue how the last book will turn out. I’m really hoping that no one I love dies. Its happened to me too much already. I’m so curious where and how everything will end! I need the next book soon!! Giving this 4.7/5 stars.

#an ember in the ashes #a torch against the night #a reaper at the gates #sabaa tahir #elias veturius #laia #laia of serra #helene aquilla #avitas harper #the nightbringer #keris veturia #book review #spoilers #books #blood shrike #soul catcher

[j-e-s-s-i-c-a-r-o-s-e-9-4]

Just letting some thoughts out.

Does anyone actually use this to write full thoughts out on their blog anymore? 

I recently went though every single post i have either made or shared on here.. it brought me so many good and bad memories, my head hurts from the emotions i was feeling and putting out into the internet on here. I want to say that so many things have changed in the 8ish years since i started posting on here but they havent. 

the number one thing that stood out to me was how sure i was of wanting to be a mom. I have an almost 5 year old now. Hes my whole world and the love of my life. I’m soo blessed and grateful that I was able to give life to his beautiful\ soul. 

I was a college student 7 years ago. I took two semesters of classes and then never went back.. I had no idea what I wanted in life other than living in Maine and when that didnt work out. I moved back to RI and dove into working 2 part time jobs just to be working for a distraction from life. I had a boyfriend that wasnt the greatest and when we broke up, i met a random guy to make myself feel better about being single and ended up in a relationship with him. a few months later i was pregnant and on top of the world. then the mask he was putting on faded away and i saw his true colors. He was not who i expected and was constantly putting himself before his child and myself. he was also putting the people i loved most in the world down. I broke up with him to be happy when i had my son. we were better off not together but he then didnt step up to still be a father. Ive been raising my son basically on my own this whole time. If i didnt have my son i would have never applied for new jobs, which would have never led me to eventually becoming a General Manager for a Restaurant. 

A little over a year into me being the General Manager i got fired for messing up on a payroll document that i didnt know was wrong until it was too late. this taught me to never get to comfortable in life. that things can change in a heart beat. I was lucky to get a part time retail job for the holidays and im still apart of their team. I also started working at my sons daycare to make some extra money. i know that this isnt forever and theres something bigger planned for my life i just cant tell what it is yet.

I miss how simple life used to be before i had to worry about bills and was able to just move to maine on a whim. just enjoy life. not have so many worries or doubts that im doing the right thing. I crave a change in my life but cant find one thats fulfilling without uprouting everything i have for my son and i. I pray everyday for guidance and the courage to live my life how God intends for me. 

I miss the friends i used to have that i could talk to about everything and anything and never feel judged for it. I know im surrounded by family who loves me but its just not the same. 

about a month ago i broke up with a really good guy. i felt like the relationship wasn’t going to last a life time and with having a child i want a partner that i will be with forever. not just a short time. I wish him the best of luck in life and hoping that he finds the perfect person for him. 

Its late. im starting to not be able to type properly anymore. i have to wake up for work in less than 5 hours. I’m not proof reading any other this and just posting it. 

I hope everyone whos read this is happy and knows that they are loved. 

#mine #personal #youdonthavetoreadthis

[sheinthatfandom]

Ok so before Ryan Murphy completely takes this season in a whole new direction tonight and it turns out this is part of the Roanoke tv company or this was all some kind of flashback story Ramirez is recounting on devil’s night at the hotel here are my thoughts. this all my own thoughts and feelings yada yada yada. This is all going under the assumption that there is no big gotcha shamayama twist.

The deaths go with how you act/who you are. Ray was constantly trying to save himself, or saving his own neck so... boy got decapitated. While part of me doesn’t like that the first death of the main cast was the black guy he was so f-ing unlikeable by the end that I was rooting for his death. Honestly I kinda expected a metal wire like wrong turn 4.

Birdie oh birdie she deserved so much better. She befriended everyone and was trying to look out for everyone. Tried to talk down jingles tried to protect Xavier even crawling to free him when she was in agony. She had too much heart so she died by someone she saved mercy stabbing her in the heart. That actually hurt to watch.

Xavier, wow I knew Cody would be a fave cause he’s fucking Cody but Xavier needs to be the final girl (you know what i mean) so much more character and depth than Brooke. He loved himself and his face so he lost his lips but hasn’t died. I don’t know if someone like him living with these burns is worse than death. I’m also wondering if that weird moment on the bridge with him and mr jingles where he kinda passes out until brooke finds him was actually him dying.

Chet, ok can we agree muscle man is dead? I know the preview saw him up and about like he’s fine and dandy but that has to be a ghost and his corpse is back on the infirmary bed. cause no one closed his wounds and the adrenaline shot cause his heart to keep pumping. The heart pumps blood, Chet has a giant wound spraying blood therefore that boy dead. But yeah he stabbed himself with steroid needles and then got stabbed with a giant spike. Also quick google search says squirting blood, and pulsating flow means an artery was hit. I’m not a doctor but white boy dead.

Mr shu, idk his name here other than big dick McGee, he is the only one I’m like ehh not sure how to connect with my theory about how you die. He was stabbed in the stomach if it was in his back I could say he watched over others too much and didn’t watch his own back but that got ruined.

I hate that all the real bad guys are women. I get it’s probably a nod to Mrs voorhees but she had a damn good reason and in Montana I can say this fits but between Margaret and nurse Rita (I know it’s Donna but I never disliked a Donna before so I’m sticking with Rita) it’s like ok so is Brooke going to be the seasons true big bad cause it’s seems all the bad guys are women manipulating men into doing evil.

I feel so bad for mr. Jingles I knew he was gonna have a sympathetic backstory like that clown and I was right. Now that it’s established Margaret is the killer I gotta say any scenes with gloved killings but no face shots is probably not mr jingles. Which means when he told Xavier I didn’t do it I think he meant it. I think Margaret came out Xavier in the oven attacked birdie which broke her heart more maybe even killed ray but I doubt that last one I’d have to watch that epi again.i do think once he wraps his head around the fact that he’s not the killer maybe he’ll go on to protect the others from Margaret and Rita.

This is a long ass fucking night and the sky ain’t changing like shouldn’t it have gotten darker closer to midnight and start lightening by now? Maybe this is purgatory, but then I’m not sure how they came into the camp if they’re reliving it. Or maybe once they die on jingles night then you’re stuck in purgatory.... but then how do the living see you. I need that hippie to come back and answer some questions. Also I love how Jonas Shevoore is an anagram of Jason Voorhees.

I am not okay with using a real life rapist pedophile and murderer like Ramirez and making him sexy and supernatural. He’s dead but the victims families are still alive. They don’t need to see a circle jerk over him. Zach Villa is awesome I just wish they coulda made up a killer.

Are any kids actually showing up? I would think no parent would actually send any kids there. Also if jingles didn’t get freed was margaret going to kill all the kids that broke any of the rules? again im finding it hard to believe anyone would send their kids there. i know the internet wasnt around but ramierz knew who jingels was and rita knew him and the camp as well. maybe xavier was the only one to never do his homework. but then again white rita didnt know about the camp either, just idk im going in circles with this one.

I have no idea where the story is going I guessed Montana’s brother being the best man but couldn’t figure out how Brooke didn’t know her/recognize her. So I’m glad they explained that. Sarah Paulson is supposedly coming back so I’d guess it’s as Lana and maybe she’s doing a report on the murders at the very last scene of the season.yes i know reports said she wasnt gonna be in it but reports also said there would be no supernatural stuff this season just horror and Satan bringing back Ramirez and a ghost hippie has made that statement false. this ended up way longer than i intended but since tonight will probably change everything we’ll see if any of my thoughts pan out.

#ahs 1984 spoilers #i really wanted that samandriel gif for birdie but tumblr sucks and its no longer on the search box #yes that would be crossing fandoms to add him here not my fault one of my fandoms has a gif for everything

[timingmatters]

Clay Jensen rant

Did ??? People even read the book??? Listen I hate being one of those "if u dont read the book u cant even comment" bc thats bs but series Clay isnt much different anyways. If anything more attached to Hannah but.... he didnt do anything wrong??? Like he did (the picture he leaked of the stalker and all bc of his anger) but not to Hannah. This is a guy who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks and whose best friend just fucking died and to some extent I bet he blamed himself when he thought he allowed his friend to drive drunk. Obviously when Hannah said leave he would leave bc SURPRISE people with anxiety fucking hate confrontation and if someone u really care about screams to you "GT THE FUCK OUT" his reaction was obviously gonna be to leave, let her cool, and try to talk later. Bonus points for him if he tried to avoid the screaming afterwards and at least try to pretend things were better with her because thats REALISTIC FOR PEOPLE WHO SUFFER FROM REALLY BAD ANXIETY. All he did was never truly confess his feelings because damn she was never just a friend. He always liked her. And confessing feelings is never easy especially for people who suffer from anxiety. Hence why he would push her away from time to time and doubt whether she wanted her to be with him. Not because "Hannah's fault" or anything but because people with anxiety are constantly doubting people's love and intentions for them. Always doubting whether others actually care or if they got bored with them. So yeah. Maybe Clay could have stand up for her and take more action. But from his PoV things werent that bad for her atm and he couldnt mentally do it. So many of you say "he redeemed himself" no he didnt. Theres nothing to redeem for tf?? Him feeling guilty is the fucking worst bc he truly does not deserve to feel guilty when hes mot guilty of shit. Yes the sings are clear but that doesnt mean people are always able to do. From someone who has been depressed and has dealt with depressed people around her, sometimes we just dont know what to do and the only person able to save themselves once depression hits you is the person itself. Once Hannah was bad because of all the things that happened to her, Clay or anyone noticing might have call a professional but the only person who would truly convince her to live would be herself. Stop. Blaming. Clay. Depression and suicide isnt black and white and isnt always someone's fault. The whole point of this show and book is to show that is a bunch of stuff accumulated and how we deal with them. Clay not noticing she was depressed doesnt mean he killed her. Clay not going against her wishes of being alone doesnt mean he killed her. Clay not wanting to talk about his best friend's death (something he prob feels partially guilty for until he found out the truth) (plus also lad at the memory of him) and lashing out on her doesnt mean he killed her. Him not noticing doesnt mean he killed her. It means he liked her so much, even loved her. But he was also going through his own shit. And if hannah never talked directly to him how was he supposed to know?? A best friend's death isnt a little deal. Is a big fucking deal. He suffers from anxiety and panic attacks (mental disorders my people) and his best friend fucking died. Thats traumatic af he saw his body there. And even before that, he was getting to know Hannah so is not like he would not whats her usual behavior and whats not. Yes he could have done something if he had realized. But him not realizing didnt kill her. Hannah even said so herself. So stop saying he redeemed himself or that he did take part into her decision of killing herself or he was also at fault. He wasnt. Even Hannah knew that. Stop romanticizing his anxiety and self-blamed behavior bc if anything all this unjustified guilt was driving to the place Hannah was. So liking or thinking he deserved all that guilt is literally 1) not getting the show/book and 2) romanticizing his bad mental health and paranoia

#clay jensen #13 reasons why #hannah baker

[guyinlovewitheremika]

Dude serious question here : how are you still single ? Judging from your blog you seem so cute and friendly and an overrall fun person to be around. I for one would have loved to get to know you irl. But well keep up your amazing blog, I wish you the best in life

Aww anon that’s really sweet of you haha. Hope you have an amazing life too.

I used this opportunity for a little bit of self-analysis, which I’m keeping under-read since it’s not the main content of this blog. Quite frankly it failed and I don’t recommend reading.

THERE IS NO POINT TO THIS POST. I started writing with a huge plan, it didnt work out and now only half the thing is here, and by itself, it makes no bloody sense. I still wanna keep it here simply for myself, but anyone reading this rn will probs only get an incomplete and thusly inaccurate picture of what I’m trying to paint. 

Okay, so here’s the thing. I started writing this huge thing with a clearly mapped out thought process in mind, it had structure and whatnot. Unfortunately an event I even described in my analysis, a change of my mental state, prohibited me from finishing my writing---this is thus very incomplete, lacking many arguments and most importantly an actual conclusion. I doubt I’ll ever reconnect to this particular text anyway, but I still felt like sharing it as I considered it to be a very accurate depiction my head up until the point where I got lost. So even though it’s totally lackluster and incomplete, I’m still sharing it here because I feel like I owe it to myself. Anyway. After this follows the introduction I had originally written. Since I posted this for myself, the chance of me answering asks, replies or messages about this is very little, partially for reasons explained below. AnYwAY

Le forum ofdeath and sucks balls what the fuck

You'reprobably just a lovely anon who wanted to say something nice and cheer me up,and believe me, it's appreciated^^ This extended response shouldn't be takenpersonal by you in any way at all, I simply saw an opportunity for me to writethings down I've been meaning to write down for a long time. Thing is, there'sabout a 0% chance of me talking to over people what's really going on in myhead unless I'm prompted to do so--unless there're huge indicators of therebeing legitimate interest in my psyche, I aint talking, and even then, the chancesremain slim. Granted, your message wasn't really a direct inquiry or whateverbut I've had this shit in my system so long that it's more than sufficient forme to let lose. Warning: basically everything below (and even above) are mypersonal observations of myself, and most likely don't make a ton of sense foranyone who isn't, well, me. "Translating" all of this into anythingcomprehensible outside of my head is gonna be tricky enough, but I still feellike doing it. The purpose of this text is ultimately for self-analysis; uponwriting things down it can clarify or explain certain thoughts, and that'sreally waht I'm after. I don't want to shove my own analysis of my mentalsituation down my followers throats, I'm writing and posting this only for myselfto be affected by the process of doing so; thusly, once more, this will potentiallybarely make any sense for anyone, but it's not supposed to for anyone exceptme, so in essence, don't read too much into this post.

Long assintroduction

Damn

Anyway, let'sget started, and back to the original question, how are you still single.

BecauseBOI, there's a plethora of reasons, mostly tied to my relationship with myselfand my surroundings, and that's what I wanna talk about here.

First ofall, yeah. Guy does seem like a fun, sweet person to have around here, doesn'the? You're not the first person to tell me that, and I'm not saying that tofeed on my ego or whatever, but because this perception of Guy isn't unique. Iget nice and lovely anons, Barely and hate towards me as a person despite arather rapidly growing follower count, I've even made a ton of onlinefriendships over the span of months, and those folks generally don't seem tohate Guy either, for similar reasons. That's all good and fun, and ofc Iappreciate people who're sympathetic towards me, but that's because here ontumblr and over on discord, I'm Guy. The dude who absolutely loooves snk, whoknows a lot about the series, who tries to help people out and is pretty wankfree (that's an over-the-top, stereotyped description simply for the sake ofgetting the general point across).

The problemis that "Guy" is a periodic, temporary and very much incompleterepresentation of my identity. Now of course, the following dialogue can quicklyfall into the "edgy-teenager-YouKnowMyNameButNotMyStory" trope whichtypically disqualifies any rationality accompanied by the claims, but for thesake of argument, I'd like to give my analytical skills more credit than a 21stcentury stereotype. The basic point I'm trying to make here is this: the"real", "complete" version of myself has more to it thanjust the blogger you know as "Guy", and that's simply because myonline presence is very filtered. Whenever I'm posting on my blog or talking tomy friends on discord, I'm being Guy. My mental state, my thought process, andmy emotional balance is that of SnK loving Guy. The thing is, whenever there'sa change in my mental state, a variation, one that differs from who we know as"Guy", Guy shuts down, and so does my activity. I'm not blogging24/7, I'm not being constantly Guy. And I'm not chatting 24/7 either, myfriends may confirm this: I often stop talking in the middle of conversations,stop responding, reduce or cease my current activity all together. Occasionallythat's caused by irl disturbances, but for the most part, the issue lies in avariation within my mental state, one that disrupts my situation of being Guy,causing a discrepancy between my activity and my thought process concerning myactivity. In simpler (and seriously overblown) terms, I temporarily stop beingthe person I just was (this being Guy), and swap to a different mental state, onethat differs from being Guy.

This allprobably sounds ludicrous and absolutely over the top, and I apologize for that.It's not as if I have "multiple personalities" in my head, orschizophrenia, or whatever. These varying mental states I'm describing aren'ttotally different people, but...different facades of myself, if that makes anysense.  It probably doesn't, so let meprovide you with a possibly explanative analogy, to visualize everything. Letssay you're playing and RPG, and you have your core character. You level him up,gain experience, skills, and whatnot. That's default form of your character,lacking equipment and whatnot. However, in order to adapt to the constantlychanging environments and opponents you face, you need equipment, and the onlyoptions you have are various, predetermined armor and weapon sets. There's adifferent, unique type for every situation-one for each environment and eachenemy. The only problem is this: they come with a predetermined set of statsand skills. Parts of the sets cannot be exchanged with one another, and youcan't use multiple ones either. What's worse is that, despite the varyinglevels of skills you may have obtained on your core character, these arepartially or even entirely overwritten when donning one of the sets--you can'tverify or even use these stats and skills of your core character, as they'relocked away by whatever set you use. Only in down times, when in your hideout,all by yourself, can you take off the sets and access your stats andskills--only then does the experience you obtained when using the sets actuallyappear, only then can you observe your core character as a whole. That's moreor less what my head looks like, from my POV. Granted, this by no means is atotally accurate representation--it's flawed, it ignores certain other aspects,doesn't universally apply to me either, and ultimately, has no proof. However,I feel like this is the closest approximate description I can offer at themoment, and ultimately just am example to allow for some visualization--not auniversal truth or affirmation.

But let'stake a closer look at these equipment sets, or mental states, as I like to callthem. One of my favorite movies over the past years was the sci-fi flicArrival--Denis Villeneuve's thought provoking tale about extraterrestrialcreatures showing up on our planet and humanities attempt to interact with them.One of it's major elements was the use of language, and one theme in particularfascinated me: the theory that speaking in another language can potentiallymodify, or even rewire your brain and thought process. It's something Icouldn't agree more with. I fluently speak three languages, and, given myliving and educational situation, typically switch between all three of themmultiple times a day. I don't want to assume anyone's thoughts or feelings, butI'm certain I'm not the only one who has different relationships with thelanguages they speak, and who feel different depending on the used language.It's a pretty natural thing. Another thing we can probably all agree on is that,depending with whom we're interacting, or under which exterior circumstances(such as location), our precise way to express ourselves may sometimes vary--youmay act in a certain way with one person in a certain place, and act verydifferently with another person in a different place. Well, of course I can'tclaim that to be a universal truth for every person on the planet, but I'vecertainly heard other people describe it before, and I've felt it from otherstoo. It's there, sometimes, to a certain extent. Maybe it's totally natural, aneveryday feeling for everyone involved, and maybe I'm just too weak to be ableto counteract the consequences, but who knows. My primary issue stems from the fact that, I'm taking this varyingcircumstances and their consequences to a ridiculous level. Depending on mylanguage, my location, the time of day and the people I'm with, my expressionof myself, my (from an exterior POV observable) personality, if you want to, isborderline subject to change. "Guy" in many ways I can't mentallygrasp at the moment is fundamentally different from the person you mayencounter under specific, different circumstances.

Now ofcourse, this probably is something felt by other people alone, I'm not somehowspecial by feeling that way, probably just too weak to deal with it. But onething I can say with absolute certainty is that the consequences of thevariations has an effect on my surrounding. An example in my family: due to hisjob, my father is rarely at home, and I'm typically left with my mother, withwhom I have a rather close and positive relationship with. On the days myfather is there however, our relationship changes, my general mood is affected,and my expression of myself heavily changes. Once again, I'm sure I'm notunique in that way, I'm sure it's a normal, human concept, it just seems toaffect me really much. This isn't just limited to important, deep relationshipslike me and my parents, but its present in really every situation. Example, Imay desire to spend time with my friends at school when there, but back home,in a different mental state, that desire disappears entirely. I often don'treply to messages for weeks, and rarely ever initiate communication by myself,which can be totally different in another mental state. See, and that's one ofthe primary issues. My relationships with pretty much everyone are heavilymodified and affected by the changes in my mental state based on circumstancesand whatnot. If we follow that logic, any intimate or romantic relationshipwould be affected too. And that's one of the cruxes here: I couldn't possiblyentertain one particular mental state throughout the entirety of anoverarching, important relationship with someone. There would be instances inwhich my mental state would vary, and I would in turn be severely affected thischange, but this non-given, non-evident relationship with a significant otherwouldn't just...stop existing, wouldn't temporarily be on hold until I've returnedto a mental state appropriate of said relationship. You can't put it on hold,you can't neglect all of that while waiting for your brain to return to anadequate state. There's continuity and effort and ultimately something enduringwithin a relationship, but that's incredibly hard to entertain if the facade ofoneself is subject to constant modification. Though that in itself is somethingI would already consider rather problematic, it's far from the end. Rememberwhen I described the situation in my head? The idea of a certain core character,unaffected by the armor sets? Let's take a closer look at that.  

All thesevarious mental states, these predetermined armor sets, caused by the varyingcircumstances I find myself in throughout life, have one thing in common: blockingout the "core character", the one that acquires the skills andexperience obtained through the life in armor, the one that has a sort ofoverseeing access to all of these obtained life experiences. That is what Iconsider to be the "purest" version of myself. The one thingunaffected by circumstances, the one at the center off all these various mentalstates. I can only be in this unaffected state when not in relation to anythingin my exterior: not being constrained to convey thoughts verbally through theuse of a certain language, not being actively in relation to another person,and being in a neutral place, unaffected by anything, such as my room.Basically, if I'm in an entirely neutral situation, not affected by anythingexterior whatsoever, my mind goes into a neutral state too. This neutral stateallows me one particular thing: introspection. Self-analysis, if you want to.Only in the neutral state can I fully reflect on my experiences and my life asa whole, only then can I attempt to understand my progression in life, myemotions, my mental situation. In fact, at this very moment, I find myself inthis neutral state--only now am I actually able to reflect on what's going onin my head, and the fact that I'm able to write it down cohesively is an enormousfeat in itself. However, this distinction between my neutral state, the"core character", and the various mental states, the "armorsets", comes with a plethora of issues, the first one being this verydiscrepancy. As explained earlier, the "sets" override the"core", and I mean that in a literal way. All my reflections, all mythoughts and questions, all my arguments, failures and progressions, areblocked out when I'm in one of these sets. For example, if I'm talking to mytherapist, it's downright impossible for me to communicate all these thoughtsobtained through introspection, simply because they're blocked out, they're notavailable anymore. They slip out from memory, I can barely grasp them at all,it feels like walking through horribly thicc mist; and even in the event that Istill can formulate some of my thoughts, I can't properly convey them. In fact,even if I write them down and try to read them out, it feels more like readingsomeone else's thesis: my brain doesn't connect to the material at all, itdoesn't understand, it can't back it up: in that situation, they're not my ownthoughts at all, but someone else's, and no matter how much I search my mindfor answers of clues, the only thing I can find is a bleak, empty void, leavingme feeling dumbfounded, with an empty head. Literally. When I later return tomy neutral state, everything returns to me, but quite frankly, that's notuseful, since I still lack the means to communicate it in a manner thatconvinces both me and party B.

Unfortunatelythe issues don't stop there. If we go by the assumption that this neutral, coreversion of myself is what you may call "the real me", I would kind ofbe in a pretty shit situation, because, quite frankly, being this neutralversion of myself is not fun at all. Maybe its related to ingrained pessimism,but all introspection, all reflection and thoughts, always go in a prettynegative way. Never once have I thought about myself in depth and arrived at anactual positive outcome: every answer is negative and spells out inevitabledoom one way or another. There's always a depressing note to everything, infact, there is a seriously ingrained tendency leading towards what may be aform of depression in all my thoughts, but I'll get into that later. The bigbad issue is that ultimately, this neutral state of mine, as well as everypossible variable mental state, lacks one primordial thing necessary to thehuman existence: life. I'm descending towards a melodramatic presentation oncemore, forgive me. It's a hunch towards excess. But here's the thing. Theneutral state is exclusively based around introspection, it can't do anythingbut reflect, and reflect in a pretty negative manner if I might add. There'snothing else to it. The "sets" are technically set in what we wouldcall life, they're all in relation with something, but inherently lack thecommon thing that is myself; they're mere facades, they're fakes, they'reincomplete, they're not ME.  Here's thething. Perhaps it was a result of all the issues mentioned above, or perhaps itcaused the issues above and originate from a certain event in my pastirrelevant for now, but one thing is certain: I'm heavily emotionally distancedfrom my own life. I barely ever feel any real, active emotions out of anythingin life, everything is distanced, bleak, unilateral. Any real, strong emotion,be it joy, hatred, sadness or whatever else you may think of, is something Ibarely ever feel these days. Even events that have an incredibly strong effecton my life struggle to bring forth an emotional reaction. Everythingstays...bleak. Unaffected. There's often a sort of distant negativity, abackground feeling of sorts, and there are occasions of limited joy or whatnotthat last a few moments, but it takes absolutely nothing whatsoever to returnto an empty or even highkey depressed state--ultimately, the sensation of"being alive" has become incredibly elusive to me over the last 8years, now nothing more than a mere distant memory. That's just how things are,and I can't deal with it.

Granted, Imay possibly be overdoing it rn. Been writing for a long time, need to makesure I don't start getting affected just yet. Ultimately, all these thingsheavily block the way for a meaningful relationship with another person. Notonly would they have to deal with the fact that the person they know seems toundergo mental changes on a continuous basis which can't be any good, their s.o.would go through constant mood changes, would often be emotionally distant fromthem for seemingly no reason whatsoever, wouldn't be able to even entertain a relationshipon a deeper level. Whatever it would be, it couldn't even be called a proper relationshipfrom my point of view. I wouldn't be able to be myself, and that's pretty mucha death sentence for anything meaningful that's supposed to last for a bit,right?

(sidenote:I feel as if I may have just exited the neutral state and am no longer able toentertain my introspection. My thoughts are literally disappearing from my mindand my memory of everything I've said so far and what I meant to say afterwardsis getting foggier by the minute. It's absolutely ridiculous and horriblyannoying, but at the very least it proves my points to myself, that's worthsomething).

After this point, I continued writing, but quickly realized I lost all connection, I had indeed gone through a change in mental state, leaving behind my introspection. Thus, this is largely incomplete, with many threads not tied together, and many arguments lacking entirely. My analysis went much deeper than what we see here, but unfortunately I don’t seem to be able to pick it up for now. What a shame. I had thought I had finally figured out some serious progress. But in a way, it’s also fitting. This major failure is evidence that the points made are very real and not my imagination. Too bad it prevented me from going further, but that’s all I can do for now. 

This is more or less the conclusion I meant to reach, but since half the arguments and reasoning are missing, it doesn’t make sense and feels like an asspull for the sake of attentionwhoring. It’s not, and I can assure you there is legitimate reasoning behind this, I just can’t access it rn:  To add more finality to the actual question that I tried to properly explain here but clearly turned out incapable of doing so, I have rather convoluted but justified mental and psychological issues for being single. These aren’t by choice, these aren’t because I enjoy being lonely, in fact I’ve desired the opposite since I was a child, but for various reasons I cannot fully explain yet, it wouldn’t be good at all for neither me nor my partner, not with the way I am right now (and this current failure is proof of that). Instead, I’ll keep sitting on my ass, waiting for a miracle that will never happen, with mental and and physical issues getting worse and worse as a consequence. But in its own way, that’s desirable for me; which is based on another issue, rooted even deeper in my psychology, one that is probably the source of all my issues. But I can’t talk about that yet.  

Other than that, there’s practical issues too. I’ll be leaving the continent this summer. I have very little positive memories about the last 8 years, the 2nd chapter of my life, but I don’t want to start getting attached to this life just as it is about to end. That would be the worst possible way to leave, and I need a clean cut at all costs. So yeah, no SO for me.

#dont read this #personal #reference #guy's introspection #this basically took me the entire day but like 75% is missing don't read this. #Anonymous

[incoherentlynonexistent-blog]

Unfortunate Outcome

Amazing how one person can change everything.....incredible as that same person becomes somebody they swore and promised to never become.....funny how you believed them, and the unfortunate outcome is the consequences you suffer because you trusted their word over everyone and everything....

It's so degrading...to now be where you're at only because you believed in something that wasnt ever real...

Hurtful to actually feel the loneliness kick in.....

Depressing to remember how little of an importance you were to them....

Unwilling to heal and move on because how do you pick yourself up after consistently being there for someone then for it to become abandoned and forgotten.....

It's the Unfortunet outcome to their mishaps that led me to becoming helpless and needy.

Sad thing is, I don't even know what it is that i want

Idk what I need....

I know I dont need this constant bullshit

Unfortunetly because I had so much hope and expectations

Its stupid to look back and realize how naive and oblivious I used to be

Now I guess they can say I made my own mess when they're the ones who lied and ridiculed me because I was drug along for so long

The most unfortunate thing about this is the outcome. Despite how much "better" they find this to be, I won't ever be able to be better....yea I have my good days, but even those arent good.....

Doesnt matter where they go

Doesnt matter the time they let slip by

Hell it doesn't matter what they do .

In still feeling the same things

I doubt ill ever have anything to help me endure this

I live everyday waiting still

I go about each day hoping anyone would love to be here again

I literally feel myself slipping

I'm already dead because of them

Added with how I'm still feeling

I'm not sure of this feeling will subside

It's all mind consuming

I can't just stop about this

It's the one thing that no-one understands

The reason why I'm like this

The answer is simple

Given the empty promises and then being just thrown way like yesterdays garbage

I'm miserable with this unfortunate outcome.....

I didnt get closure

Instead I get the only thing that's never changed

Them leaving my life.....

Something promised against but in the end

They all prove to be the same person that leff you to begin with ......

It's hard living and feeling like this

I have no faith

I don't have confidence

I'm trying to find a purpose

But I can't get far or enough to cease the memories....

They're just haunting to me now...

Only because of how and what I've done

You really think I can just magically become better

No.

It's not possible unless you actually are willing to be here

Or unless you actually gave me the closure I've been desiring

Until I'm given that

I will not get better.

I will not heal

This unfortunate outcome will be my life sentence

This isn't what I what wanted

None of this is

I don't want the depression

I dont care for the desire.

I just want to feel happy again.

I want a reason to actually smile and feel good about myself......

I just wished someone would hear me out

After asking for three years now...

I cant just move on

God Damn it man

If they only knew just how bad I really am

I wonder if things would be different....

I wonder if anyone wouldve left....

I just want someone to be here for me

Irs not ever been about my sex life or being in a relationship

My goal was to only be around the people who want to be here

Maybe ive beckne to fucked up to obtain that chance again

Unfortunate outcome is me being treated in such manner when the pupils who inflicted all that hurt and damage are the ones at fault for me becoming this way. They shut me out because I'm still fucked up over it. I was the original victim that became traumatized and untrusting, but I wouldnt be this irritable bitter suicidally depressed person that's unwilling to move on if it weren't for their actions.

I don't trust anybody any more

I don't even crack a smile

You know who you are

The person im addressing anyway ..

I hope you're happy

I hope you feel accomplished at what you created

With the unfortunate outcome that you refuse to have anything to do with what you started and fucked up numerous times......it leaves me like this.....

Idk how else to stress this fact

Because I cant get that little bit of respect....

When I shouldn't have been involved anyway

I should've walked away

I should've listened to the voice in my head

"Don't worry on going to the laundry mat

If I'd knew then what I knew now

I would've never showed up

I would have never existed

But its thanks to you ive gotten like this

Thanks to you I sit all day every day for the past few years pondering about whats wrong with me

Why am I not wanted. Why does everyone leave....see that's the difference between us, you're the one who does all the leaving. I linger because I believe in equal opportunity especially when so much effort was put into it in the first place. I believe in those who remain loyal and true on their word, but you seem to still believe in empty promises. You're using you're ears to see and you're eyes to hear. You're the most cruel and cold hearted creature. Not human.....because with human emotion, I couldnt do what you do, I cant lead them on, shut them out, I cant make someone feel like their the one for me, but then shut them down and out when the one I want is around. I will never understand you're selfish decisions and with how you know youve done wrong but you still don't bother to change.

Maybe I've become an unforgivable asshole, but that's the unfortunate outcome when someone so heartless just takes you for granted then you're the bad guy for not only reacting actually a little more civil than you should've, but because god knows whatever words come from my posts or even texts, god forbid they remind you consistently of what you've done. Everything I am and everything I do now is because of you..

Days I'm angry, I blame you

Days I'm depressed, It's your fault

Days I cut, blamed you because just the little bit of open honesty wouldve prevented me cutting myself, but only to relieve that pain that I cant get out through crying.

Its the pain that makes your chest ache and have the urge to just scream in agony. Its that lodged in lump that swells in your chest when everything that was promised, shared, and enjoyed together now sets this darkened, and dead look to it. I find myself shying away from every and any little thing that you had any relations to. My music has changed. My faith in life itself is nonexistent. Ive become so angry and bitter, that I am constantly snappy.

It doesnt matter how angry I were to get with anyone else, because every one probably tells you I'm fine.....

I'm not fine

Im not ok

I'm suffocating myself

Its hard to not still be bitter....

How can I not still be angry when you left once again.....ive been irrational and disrespectful, but I never thought that this unfortunate outcome would involve me getting worse....I figured at some point within these four years .....I figured you wouldve not done this so much that I'm probably permanently fucked up....I mean fucking look at me...have you ever seen anyone so pathetic and humiliating?....

Loving someone is so beautiful but sad, because when you fall for someone, there's some part of you that breaks too, its gone for ever because its with that person you wanted to give your whole heart to, but they'll only always have what's actually left of you. For some reason being in that persons presence or just respected enough to be even thought about by them, makes life worth living even if I were to spend it alone. Its not because you lack feelings or really the past that I held over your head....I just wanted for someone to finally treat me differently.....

You wound up treating me the same

This is my unfortunate outcome

Its been a battle especially the last two years

I've never in my life have I ever felt so much pain

Ive never loved anyone as much as I love you

The unfortunate outcome for you is me being gone when you want to come back

I already know how it's to be

Its why I never understood you

But I still kept trying to

Maybe that was my mistake

Because my unfortunate outcome is the distance between us and how little I've meant within the last couple years....idk myself what you could ever do to make things better.....

Unfortunate outcome is what's done is done....

Its ruined

We're ruined

Were gone....

The end....

Hope you're doing well.....

Sorry for being impulsive and annoying

I'm sorry for being a fucked up mess.

Wishing you a lifetime of happiness....

Wishing you luck on your endeavors

Ill miss you

I have been already

Life just won't ever be the same. I just know if it was went about differently I would be able to handle the sudden blocked phone and Tumblr better than what I am now. I'm wasting mt time is the sad thing because I'm sire you're thought is why if I'm to be the way I was before, well, it would be nice to have at least that wanting to talk to me or even asking things sbout my life. I literally have been wanting to fit in, and I'm sorry I tried to get in your way. I'm sorry for being this way period.....in sorry I can't bring myself to be better.....I literally feel like I have no other place to go or anything to do.....I should be doing soemthing with my life, bur in not.....only bevause I spend every day trying to avert seeing or even tbe chance to see you kr anything related to you That will rip my chest right then and there.

It's those things I want to feel better about.....I want to be able to see you without getting so severely depressed. That's the last unfortunate outcome, because of that, how I feel.....I think it's best if we just never saw each other ever again......Obviosuly you're already on that route but if that's really what you want, then you really will not ses me ever again. I mean you can scream yell my name. I will not look at any part of you.....I'm prudent because maybe youre right, just sticking with avoiding them, and I guess you do lose some feeling. I hate being like this. Idk what else to do. I dont need your help. I need your understanding. I dont need to be questioned, at least at what I'm doing, because idk anymore.....I get flustered easily because my mind stays so caught up on you that I fuck up everything I touch or work on.....then it goes back to the angry blaming you thing.....never ending......so how can I get better? What do I do? You just left. You didn't leave a note, you didnt say goodbye, and of all things I've ever done for you, you never helped my unfortunate outcomes...you rejected me time and time again.

I just idk how to be ok.....

I just feel like I'm losing touch with my existence

As in because you live in my mind so much I try to avoid that too....I've become a blank spaced emotionless robot....I'm depressed but I look solemn. I then break soon as I snap.....I'm getting worse.....idk its so hard to put into words. I just feel myself losing control over everything including my decisions.....

Whether you believe me or not.....I don't care to convince you anymore. Honestly I'm not even doing that now. I just needed to get what I could out....atleast While its flowing....well it was....I think I explained the best I could and linked the way I think...

Respond or don't respond

Respectfully, I'm refraining from tagging your blog name in the post. If you see it and or read it then its actually ok if you don't ever speak to me again.....I mean you're the one in charge and I know if you don't soeak first, then there's just nothing left to do but just hope you enjoy life.

Take care of yourself Kourt.....thanks for everything.....

[survivorsolomonislands]

Episode 2 “#NewQueenInTown” - Lily

hey hoes so ill do my first impressions or w/e chrissa- kween! i was hoping she'd stay awhile but u know when someone wants to be elimed then u gotta! dana- idk ha!hevjkbev i dont remember a dana in any of these so! idk how she plays so yikes but i wouldnt be surprised if shes close w the other newer people lexo- im love her! im hoping we can do #that for callie tru matt- i played a game with him once and he voted me out so :/ but i think we can work well together tbh mitchell- hes malaysia and thats all i know, im not sure how he played in malaysia and lowkey the only times i ever interacted with him he kinda annoyed me gtg monty- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh i love monty, i know he will be one of my closest allies for sure! i cant wait to slay w him linus- hes from winnipeg and he seems sneaky to me and hes a newer school player so he could be close w the others ryan tiddie palmer - i love my dadt sdhvbdfv but also im a little wary of him bc i have a feeling he would love to vote me out but as of rn i need him so, we'll see zak- i voted him out in palau and thats all i got kjehfvbjr i didnt even kno they played a game before anyway hes also part of the potential new school alliance

also heres the vote tea, basically mine and lexis names were being thrown around and i was like??? we aint even do anything so then we started throwing zaks and linus name around. anyway me and mont were freaking out bc we needed 2 more people to get majority and vote zak and save me and lex, so we recruit chrissa and we make an alliance chat w ha. we call and talk about who we can pull in and such. so come the next mornin i start talkin to matt who said he was down for voting zak. honestly i trust matt he seems more trustworthy than other people plus i dont think he knows a lot of the tribe members tru so if i keep him close then my alliance should be good tru. anyway i talk to lexi to figure stuff out, and i talk to zakriah and basically tell him that im willing to vote lexi next round or w/e, mind u this is after chrissa anounces that she wants to be voted out, and well hopefully by telling him this i can gain his trust a little and get some tea from ha. also zak knows that me mont and lexi were targetting him??? honestly idk who couldve told him unless it was chrissa??? no one else shouldve known tru, anyway so i get the tea from that mitchell is the one who told him that he heard my name being thrown around and kjefbv like i dont wanna confrontational or anything but i went to mitchell and asked him about it and he was "like honestly it was like a grapevine thing tbh like nobody was like "...how bout karen" it was more of "i've heard Karen"" LIKE??????????????????????????????? REALLY BITCH THAT DONT ANSWER MY QUESTION. grapevine my ass, like thats what zak told me too, like !!!!!!!!! just tell me bc if u dont then im gonna assume that ur ass is the one started the whole "i heard" thing nnnnn anyway!!!! im just relieved that chrissa is asking to be voted out bc this couldve been way more stressful aaaaaahhhhh  honslee i was scared this was all a ploy to throw votes but i genuinely believe ha and i love chrissa too much to ever disrespect her wishes so :/ bye bye chrissa we hardly knew ye!

Not much has happened so far. We won the first challenge, which is awesome, and kinda gives me this fire to keep winning just so that we can keep beating the vets. It's kind of fun to be the underdogs (considering we all have much less experience than the vets) and to win. As long as we don't get a flash challenge, I'm not too worried about how well we do. Or at least, how well I do. I just don't want to be the person with the lowest score. Anyways, on day 2 or something Lily messages me and says we should be in an alliance, since we knew each other from a chat. So I said sure, and she gives me an idol clue she found! Holy shit! Lucky for her, I don't have any other alliances, otherwise I could so easily just play her. I don't have any plans to though - she seems very trusting and kind and I respect that. I just have to be careful it doesn't get me in trouble as long as we're aligned. So I go to search for the idol, with the clue she gave me in mind, and somehow end up finding the exact same clue she did. Hopefully we don't make the same mistake again next round.

https://youtu.be/hCcal7QtHWY

OMG okay so first off... Daisy comes to me saying she likes Jacob. Okay. Perfect. He's my ride or die anyways, so now we have a mutual ally we can lean on, and she says she wants to be in an alliance. Cool. Even better. Let's officialize this shit.

So Daisy makes the chat, and she says "alright Johnny and Jacob, let's add Willow and Luca" and I'm internally freaking out with Jacob on the side here, and Jacob and I are losing it in PMs and we're like "I think that wouldn't be the BEST idea, just because adding people late can make them think that they're going to be 4th and 5th" So Daisy is going to stick with us three being a f3.

Little does Daisy know that Willow wanted a four person alliance with me and Jacob already, and it didn't include Daisy, so it'll be easy for Willow to think she's on the in, and same for Daisy, which can be GREAT for later.

All I know is I'm going to have to do a little educating to Daisy on how to play this game, and making an alliance with three people and then adding two people LATE is no beuno sweetheart... Thank God Jacob and I prevented that one. At least we know we're in a core for now, and we can start picking off the weaker rookies............... or maybe we go after someone who looks like they can be smarter, and an independent player. Maybe Aro for example? Let's see what happens after immunity (giggle)

So after Chrissa announced she wanted to be voted out, Karen and I were able to talk to each other for the first time this game. I pushed that I didn't want to target her if it wasnt out of hate, and targeting each other based on lack of communication could be easily fixed - after all, what's better than an unlikely duo? I'm in two right now if I'm not being played: as far as I know Linus wants to work with me to get out Karen, and Mitchell also thinks that's what I want. However, I want me an ally in Karen, and Lexi or Mo's gotta go next.

Something terrible happened to me irl yesterday and Im in a bad headspace right now. I really dont feel like talking to anyone besides Luca and Johnny(whos actually pretty cool) so I cant wait to get to the swap. I tried connecting with Kaya a bit but she doesn't seem to like me very much. I have a terrible migraine and everything kinda sucks right now but I'll fight through it. I can't wait for the time when I eventually look back on this confessional and cringe at the angst lmao

I low-key hope I get taken out of this challenge early so I don’t have to sit around all night doing it, but the only way that’d be able to happen is everyone just went after me to start the challenge, and no one knows I’m good at live challenges except Chrissa, and she’s bye bye

Aw Dana assigned me to shoot my fuckbuddy aromal in the first round of the IC :( like the opposite of the hunger games up in here :(

This paintball challenge is so fucking FUN! Like, it's so cool to keep on my toes and constantly be dodging/shooting paintballs. It's like my own sort of little endurance challenge. I just have to be sure I don't miss any dodges... That's why I changed the conversation notification settings to notify me every time my name is said. :P But it's fun, anyway. And if I lose, I can blame my team and use the machete I got. >:3c

So... let's play catch up!

Chrissa got voted out unanimously like she ASKED TO. It sucked bc I liked Chrissa but she was a lil strategically problematic so... whatevs. BUT then Karen starts being like "oh would you have voted for me? where'd my name come from?" and being kind of aggressive about it so... that turned me off. Honestly yeah I would've voted your ass out, you ignored me and continue to do so lol, but after that? I'm set. I think my allegiance with Dana is solidified by my complaining to her about Karen, and honestly? I see her as my #2 in this game.

Matt, the other option for my #2, also tells me he's ready to make a move  against the Karen/Monty/Lexi coalition when we next go to Tribal Council. We're slaying this challenge so that won't be tonight, but when it does, Karen's ass is grass if I've got anything to say about it!!

Karen and Lexi still make minimal effort to talk with me. Pretty much nobody has been 1-on-1 talking with me throughout this whole 3-hour-long-so-far challenge which is also kind of ridiculous but??? What are you gonna do. I'm still sick so hopefully when I recover I'll start schmoozing like I usually do and stop oozing like I don't wanna do.

also fuk u mangrove swamp

RETWEET IF YOU ARE ON TEAM LA NEEDS TO GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.

This challenge is murdering me. 4.5 hrs left SO.

So, I quit during the paintball challenge. I was the last person left on my tribe and I just couldn't see myself pulling off a win, not against five people - I did manage to get one out on my own but it seemed very doubtful I could have gotten them all. I'm not sure how I feel about throwing it like that, I probably could have faked it and just posted a shoot at the 6 mark which might have been better for my game, cause I'm not sure how that will effect how the vets see me from this point on, or if my tribe finds out and gets mad at me for it, but Y'ALL SHOULD BE HAPPY I DIDN'T MAKE US SUFFER THROUGH ANOTHER FOUR HOURS OF THAT @ VETS. I hate giving up/losing but at the same time, this is only the second challenge of the game. If this has been an individual immunity challenge, damn right I would have stuck it out but it's still early on and I think this vote will be pretty straight forward. IF I manage to get voted out I'll feel so stupid for throwing it but as of right now I trust my alliance and feel safe. (famous last words)

So now Star wants to talk to me...... Tooo little too late bud. You've been talking to the least amount of people this whole game, you didn't even help with the immunity challenge, and now you're coming to me all worried about the vote? Sorry you're in this situation, but you made your own bed, and now you have to lay in it. 

On a different note, I was talking to Jacob, and we were thinking that two of us should throw our votes onto someone else, just in case of an idol play, but honestly, I don't wanna be that paranoid freak always worrying about an idol, but I also don't wanna a repeat of the last tumblr survivor I played in, where I got idol'd out of the game, so I'm trying to be careful. I might talk to Daisy about it, but I don't want to come off as paranoid, so it'll be an interesting talk if I choose to have it...

(Slightly later)

OMG LILY JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS THE IDOL I'M SCREAMING!! Now I don't have to worry about a fucking idol play. Not only that, but she tells me that I'm the only person in the game that knows about the idol, which is huge for me because it means that she trusts me the most, and this can be a relationship outside of Jacob, Daisy, Willow and Luca, so this is really good. I am going to focus on forming a broship with Aro too, just to have that connection, but I think that I'm starting to become very trusted in the tribe, which is good. 

I know my struggle is going to be when we switch tribes, and just hoping that the luck of the draw doesn't put me onto a tribe with bad numbers, but even if I do, I think I'll be able to charm my way out of it. The fact that I want to vote out most of these people, and they still continue to prove to me that they trust me the most is CRAZY, but Lily is definitely going to be a tool I'm going to utilize in the game for a long long time, and I hope she and her idol make it deep enough in the game to benefit me.

Sorry... rambling. My struggle now is whether or not to tell Jacob. I don't want to lose his trust later in the game by him finding out about this idol, and him knowing that I knew about it. I think I'm going to tell him about it later tonight, and I hope that he'll be thrilled, but he isn't even going to be back for day change... At least now I know that I don't have to worry about the idol, especially because I doubt there are more than one idols out there, from my specific tribe, so definitively, it's bye bye Star time :(

Jesus.... Karen and I survived that round.. In what world is that actually realistic? But we did and thankfully with little issues like messy thrown votes or Chrissa playing an idol on herself after misting us all. I was really nervous that it was all an actual trap because I have seen it happen before and boy is it terrifying but bless her heart for being true to us all.

The challenge was one that I have won before so I was not too nervous about the whole workings of the challenge but I was nervous about how long the challenge would go. I was so tired yesterday for some reason and I do not know if I could have lasted until 2 am with very little break. I would have tried my best of course so I could make sure Karen and I were safe but there is only so much a single person can do which L.A. ended up proving. The Veterans won the challenge THANK GOD and so we do not have to worry about one of us being voted out bless. Right now I would def consider Karen my final 2 because we do share the common homie of Callie and I do my best to trust Callie's judgement most of the time (the other times... I just can not defer from what god wants). My only issue is that Karen has a lot of friends on this tribe that I fear she might pick over me such as Monty and that makes me a bit scared of her but right now we sort of need each other in terms that we are both the most threatening ones on our tribe at the moment so if she gets rid of me, she does not have many people to hide behind and I have been known to be a very good meat shield for those that take advantage of it so here is to praying she is actually my final 2.

Okay I love my tribe now. Seriously though I was only disliking them because I was too mentally checked out to socialize. They're all really sweet people and omg it was all i could do to stop them from pronouncing Zaks name wrong lmao during the challenge. Even though I outta be pissed that more than half of us got eliminated for breaking simple rules, I loved that they were cheery about it.

For the vote ahead, it should be a smooth 9-1 against Star. He hasn't been too active thus far and everybody seems to be on board.

https://youtu.be/RpyYL7gVQEE

LAST ROUND VOTING: A SUMMARY We get back to camp after being beaten in the immunity challenge and things devolve into chaos. Mitchell starts whispering "Lexi" and then shouting "WHO SAID THAT! I HEARD YOU! lexi.... WHO WAS THAT!!!!" Lexi and RTP climbed into the shelter and started singing songs together, waiting for other people to join. Matt sat himself on a rock and just kinda sat there...waiting.... Zak was running around, talking to each and every person saying he heard something different to everyone, calling every guy Miss and every girl Qween. Karen was sitting trying to have sensible discussions, and Mitchell and Zak saw this and started freaking out. Mitchell kept his calm and kept whispering lexi... but Zak thought he said Karen and started freaking out. Meanwhile, I'm running around screaming at people that Zak is dead weight and Linus is a rat, but nobody is really listening to me. Meanwhile, Linus disappeared into the woods to maybe go try on some wigs or some shit, and Dana is off talking to anything that moves, with various degrees of success. In the middle of camp is Chrissa, just sitting. Me, Karen, Zak, and Mitchell are all screaming about who should go, and she silently raises her hand and says four words. "I. I will go." Everyone stopped and just kinda looked at her, and then started screaming. Not words, just incoherent noises, and that never stopped until Chrissa's torch was snuffed by Isaac

real confessional for this round: So, this has been a pretty chill round. As a tribe, our number one priority was winning immunity. I staying longer than a few people, until I had to go swim. I still need to talk to Dana, Lexi, and RTP this round to keep those connections alive, but other than that, my social game is less shitty than in the past! So, overall, this is not looking terrible for me!

IS DAISY FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? Daisy, girl, we spoke about this. Adding people to alliance chats can only cause problems. Making a brand new chat is the way that it has to be. I can't be closely tied with someone who is actually that oblivious to how this game goes. It's like telling someone that there's a three person alliance, and we just want them to be fourth on the ladder. THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS. Luckily for me, it's someone as ditzy as Lily is, and it's someone who doesn't really talk to a lot of people, and she's someone who has an idol, and now Daisy and I were both told by Lily, which is why Daisy added her.

One thing that Lily and Daisy aren't aware of is that Jacob knows about the idol too, and that's because I told him, so with Jacob in the loop, and me being the one who told me, is PRIME. I need to be the barrier of communication between all of them, and right now I think I'm doing a steady job. One thing I need to work on is my relationship with Allie and LA, because they're two SMART girls, who I haven't been spending much time talking to, so I might work on that later today, even though I've spoken briefly about the vote to both of them, I need MORE!

Well after the mess with Chrissa we were lucky enough to win, and I think the challenge was a good bonding experience for the tribe. Now I'm kind of in the middle right now I like my alliance a lot but I think I could work with Karen and Lex in the future so I'm nervous about alienating them and I'm like back and forth back and forth like a metronome or some dumb swingy shit. So lemme just cross my fingers we don't have to go to tribal, and that somebody I know will get this damn idol ay dios bio

We lost the immunity challenge earlier. I'm super disappointed but I doubt I'm in any trouble at tribal council. I kinda messed up by posting early, lost my head and this probably was a factor in our tribe losing. On their tribe, only three people messed up.

But challenge aside, I feel I'm pretty safe for the time being here. I like Jacob, Willow, LA, Johnny and Allie and I think I'm getting along with Aromal too. Really the only people who I haven't really been talking with are Star (who's getting evicted today), Daisy and Lily.

I should probably talk more with the other two. All that said, this game is phenomenal. You can never know if you're really safe.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND THE FUCKING IDOL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA But like... wow. I find the idol clue on my very first search, and then on my second search, I find the idol itself. When will your fave... #newqueenintown

We won! Updates game wise so I'm just utr1 instead of inv. 

1. Zak is still a self righteous prick, but he's also smart enough to just flat out target me rn, so idk. 

2. Matt is easy to talk game with, he's seeming a bit paranoid though. 

3. Dana and Ryan, still love em both. 

4. Mitchell is everyone's best friend, hillarious dude. That also sadly means he is the biggest threat in the game. Of course, right now I want to work with threats, but eventually he will be scary. 

5. Karen is still my target. 

6. Gotta try and make Lexi and Monty not flip at a swap. 

7. Linus is the best, he's probably the front runner to win right now.

Okay so I keep forgetting about confessionals oops. But I'm going to my first tribal council ever tonight and I'm a little nervous. I feel like this vote tonight should be pretty simple because everyone in the tribe wants to vote out Star, but I'm worried that he might have an idol or something since 9/10 people in our tribe looked for the idol yesterday. Also I'm still a little bit irritated at myself from the challenge yesterday because it said 7:05 on my computer when I pressed send but it was still 7:04 on the skype clock or whatever Idk

#thequeenstaysqueen