#idk i’m just sad about it

[disengaged]

toronto ….. :-)

#went to a baseball game for the first time in my life yesterday and it was actually really fun #saw cool plants at the conservatory #ate some very good vegan food #energy and overall wellbeing was in the absolute shitter today which was upsetting. bc i want to enjoy trip + spend time w family. but. ok #i guess it’s highlighting that i just have a lot to figure out in terms of … pacing? nutrition? discussing my ability levels w others? #i told my parents abt my health being increasingly poor etc (omitting the su*c*dality part) #but i don’t think they understand it at all #and it’s difficult to explain that i cannot do all the things i used to do #and that i’ve spent the past month basically bed-bound other than going to the gym and grocery store #pegasus speaks #idk i’m just sad about it #and achey and sick and i’m so bloated i look 6 months pregnant lol #i don’t want to be dealing with this and it sucks that i have to. that’s all #my face

[opalmelon]

the way i haven’t seen my brother since last year is so so painful. i miss when we were inseparable and basically super glued together constantly and each others best friends. now i’m always the one putting effort into trying to make plans (which always fall through), the first to text, always asking how he’s doing, what’s going on in his life because he doesn’t tell me etc etc. i wish it wasn’t so one sided. i just miss him and day by day im hit with these huge waves of sadness thinking about him. i wish it didn’t feel like im the only one who cares. can i please at least see you Once before the year is over?

#rant #txt #idk i’m just sad about it

[the-bi-space-ace]

Okay I’m going to talk about cutting off Crosshair’s hand because while I know plenty of people see a lot of symbolism in it and think it was a good decision I have things to say about it.

I have CPTSD which has a lot of different symptoms. One of them is trembling or shaking. There’s a lot of complexities tied up in it but I’m not going to go into more detail because it’s not a fun thing to talk about.

What I liked about Crosshair’s trauma was that it impacted him not only mentally and emotionally but also physically. It’s very representative of what it’s actually like dealing with symptoms from something like PTSD and CPTSD (there are differences between these two that I won’t go into rn). I loved that we got to see a physical symptom of something psychological. It’s so rare that it’s handled well. Because yeah meditation and safety will help, certainly, but oftentimes it’s not the end all be all. I’m safe. I’m protected. I take care of my mental well being. But I still have symptoms that say the opposite. Because it’s not as simple as ‘no longer in the bad situation therefore the symptoms will stop’. I’ve made my peace that it’s lifelong and, honestly, Crosshair’s symptoms would be lifelong as well.

Cutting off his hand…

Here’s the thing.

The show really makes it seem like cutting off his hand is something he needed to move forward. He needed to be rid of the symptom because it was a physical reminder and it was holding him back from moving on. Cutting off the hand means no more shaking which means he’s healed. No more shaking hand=no more trauma. He can finally move on with his life.

And to that I say ouch.

There’s been plenty of times my symptoms are inconvenient to myself or others. Times when I wish I could just make it stop. Times when I’m terrified that it’s holding me back and I’m screwed up and that’s all I’ll ever be: broken. There are plenty of times I know people wish i could just knock it off and get over it and cut it out but that’s not how it works. Like I said. I’ve made peace with this thing that’ll be with me forever.

It was refreshing to see him try to adapt to dealing with it instead of ignoring it or trying to get rid of the part of him that was hurting. I loved that. It was such a freeing thing to see. Someone who will live with the hurt and the symptoms and it doesn’t make him any less. It just makes him have to do life a little different.

I hate that they cut off his hand. I hate that it wasn’t handled with any sort of nuance or delicacy. And I hate that this thing that made me so proud of him, so proud to share something with him, just got cut off for… what? Shock? To ‘fix’ him?

If we had gotten more time with the loss of his hand maybe I’d feel differently. Hell, I’d love to see how Crosshair adapts to losing his hand, see how he learns to accommodate. It would give him and Echo something to bond over and talk about, finding healing with each other. I think this could’ve been done well. I’d still be on the fence about it but I would’ve held my breath and saw how it played out.

I fully expect people to roll their eyes at me here. I expect that people will say that I just don’t get it or that this isn’t what they intended. I’m sure this isn’t what they intended. At least I hope it isn’t. But what they intended doesn’t change how insensitively this was handled after a whole season of him unpacking his hurt and trying to learn to adapt to it. No one reacted to it, not even Crosshair, and we got no unpacking of what happened. I’m not happy with this but it is what it is I guess.

#the bad batch #tbb crosshair #tbb spoilers #tbb season 3 #idk what to say other than ouch #feel free to disagree #this is just how I’m feeling rn #maybe I’ll write something nuanced in fic form about this one day #and I’ll feel better #but for now I’m getting my week of sadness out of the way #before I move on to continue writing and ignoring the parts of canon I don’t like #it just stings is all #tw ptsd #tw cptsd

[syphaa]

haven’t seen the movie idc i’m obsessed with this image

#*series #oops #like now i want to watch the movie but it sounds like a sad movie idk #maybe i’m scarred by marriage story where every movie about being married is just depressing asf😭 #oscar isaac #jessica chastain #scenes from a marriage

[napping-sapphic]

I really do know that physical appearance isn’t everything but i also really hope that one day i get to experience someone i love looking at me and thinking i’m pretty

#wlw #wlw mood #sapphic #sapphism #lesbian #idk #i just haven’t really had many compliments on my appearance throughout my life #but the few times i have gotten them have been crazy #i end up thinking about it forever #idk i’m just forever excited about the idea of someone just plain old LIKING me #like bells and whistles of falling in love and everything aside #i truthfully deeply really want someone just to like me if that makes sense #also this isn’t like a sad post btw #it’s something im hopeful about and look forward to a lot :) #right now i just have to be a bit wistful about it though lol #im gay and i like sleeping

[cozy-the-overlord]

Catching up on the whole watcher situation because I ironically stopped watching their channel regularly because I didn’t like how expensively produced their shows were compared to Buzzfeed Unsolved’s simplicity

#i didn’t have a problem with them changing the way they did things or anything #like it made sense that they would want to have a significant departure from their Buzzfeed style after leaving Buzzfeed #i just didn’t like it as much #so i would only watch occasionally if i needed something to listen to in the background #the fact that they are now trying to put their content behind a paywall #because production is so expensive #is wild to me #like imo the production actively made the show less enjoyable #why are you spending money you don’t have on it??? #idk it just makes me sad #like i know the YouTube documentarians i watch are probably going to end up doing videos on this #usually with those videos i’m the one from the outside looking in on some drama around a person i’ve never heard about before #but i was a fan of ryan and shane since high school #I have some of their Buzzfeed unsolved merch #it’s sad that people i looked up to turned out to be so out of touch on so many levels #watcher

[un-pearable]

as true as the jokes about “everyone wants to rewrite ninjago” are i feel like smthn people forget when complaining about the inconsistencies of the show is that…. it wasn’t planned? it’s not like most other animated shows lately - it didn’t start with a deeply fleshed out world or a meticulously designed pitch bible with grandiose plans for a long-term story or character arcs. the ninja don’t originally get their powers from heredity because they weren’t hereditary powers yet. the magic system doesn’t make sense bc they literally just made it up as they went! they go back and forth on stuff like whether non-elementals can learn spinjitzu bc it’s a collaborative piece of media made by people with vastly different levels of control over the story, the animation, the sets, etc. that varied over the course of the series. it’s totally understandable and exciting to see so many people reworking the early stuff with the lore and logic later seasons introduced but i personally feel that… if you’re doing that. you need to understand why the show is like that instead of writing it off as being bad and shitty. it was working with what it had. it’s only what it is now because of that awkward troubleshooting phase, not in spite of it

#ninjago #text✨ #you’re 100% allowed to criticize the show but i keep seeing people complain about the inconsistencies about like. their parents giving them #their powers especially. like yeah cool that wasn’t a thing yet? they have different origins than the non-core elementals #because in the real world that idea hadn’t even crossed their minds yet! the original story was a more traditional fantasy narrative of #normal people rising to the occasion and *gaining* powers through their own feats. the fact that they changed it later doesn’t mean #it was necessarily bad to begin with or that it’s something that should be mocked #idk just. there’s a lot of hostility in some circles about this stuff and it makes me kinda sad. enjoy the complexity of production and how #series adapt over time. it’s part of why the show is so interesting to me #that essay i wrote had a whole bit juxtaposing the attitudes about technology in rebooted and prime empire and how they reflect greater #cultural trends between 2013 and 2021. it’s SUPER interesting and yet a lot of people only talk about it to make fun of how ‘bad’ it was :( #this isnt to say i don’t enjoy some of the retcons. the changes to their meetings with wu in s8 are genuinely really interesting! i love the #changes to cole’s backstory. i think his mom makes him in the early seasons even better! i’m just saying.. be respectful? nobody *tries* to #make a bad show. ages and ages of time and dedication were put into what ends up on your screens. it’s all human love and creation. #as goofy as it is #okay sry got all anthropology there but hm. been thinking about this for a while. apologies for being the local annoying early seasons fan

[sevikasenby]

sevika gently scratching your back with her claws while you cuddle. or her scratching your back while you lay on your stomach and her occasionally kissing your back, shoulders or head.

#i am once again sad that she’s not real #blame the rain #rain always makes me think of soft sevika :( #im literally sitting here in a towel bc i just got out of the shower #and im thinking about cuddling her #is that tmi idk #i talk about wanting sev to rail me into her mattress #so this shouldn’t be tmi 💀 #i’m really fucking rambling aren’t i #okay bye 😭 #sevika #sevika arcane #arcane sevika #arcane #sevika imagine #sevika x reader #sevika x you #soft sevika

[autumn-may]

love thinking of sad traumatized edgy characters in normal situations but not in a ‘how do you think X event affected the way they handle everyday life’ kinda way but in a ‘what do you think 358/2 days rikus hair care routine is like’ kinda way

#Kingdom hearts #Riku #kh riku #Idk #Either he’s a ‘mens-13-in-ones’ kinda guy or a ‘uses physical self care as a way to distract from horrific mental self care’ kinda guy #My biggest character flaw is my failure to look at sad fictional characters and concepts if there’s a funny thing I could think about/j #Guy who wrote a whole essay analyzing riku in my tags I get it and I agree completely I love riku analysis I love his complexities #I love his depiction in 358/2 it’s my favorite version of him but also I’m a funny little guy and I’m just crackin jokes around here #Unstoppable force (enjoying legitmate character discussion and analysis) vs immovable object (I just thought of a joke)

[uselessnocturnal]

you’re losing me lyrics that are shaking me to the core kinda

“i wouldn’t marry me either, a pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her”

“how can you say that you love someone you can’t tell is dying?”

“i’m getting tired even for a phoenix”

“how long could we be a sad song ‘til we were too far gone to bring back to life?”

#taylor swift #you’re losing me #the way pathological people pleaser rolls off the tongue #the heartbreak when you think of ‘i rose up from the dead i do it all the time’ #the way in those interviews taylor talks about how they love sad songs #exile exile exile #mirrorball people pleaser things?? #oofffff #you’re losing me vs cornelia street #it’s just kinda heartbreaking yknow #i’m not that bothered by taylor swifts relationship things #but i think there’s something So Tragic about going through so many relationships #and thinking you’ve found The One and not wanting to lose them #only to for years later to end up on different pages #idk it’s just #agsjfkshfjdhfk #the saddest endings #thinking about high infidelity #‘the slowest way is never loving them enough’ #that being said. the matty healy stuff is fucked up!

[ecoqueer]

I wish that people gave a shit about nonbinary people who don’t use they/them pronouns. You can literally give your friend group (which includes another nonbinary person) a list of your favorite pronouns, none of which include they/them, and mention several times that you don’t like they/them pronouns for yourself, but they’ll make the switch from she/her pronouns to…they/them. And feel super proud of themselves for being sooo progressive as to use they/them pronouns for you….when those aren’t your pronouns.

I think that saying “he she and they are my least favorite but are fine in combination with other things…I’m really fine with any neos but here’s a list of my faves that you can choose from!” Is polite and not a difficult request. I’m not good at being a pushy person, and I shouldn’t need to be.

#it screams #i guess I’ll pull the lists out again and re-link them #but the aforementioned friends view messages from me as a chore and check them rarely so when they do they’ve built up and so just skim #everything #which I’m fucking tired of #I’ve been going back and forth on whether it’s better to have no friends or a few friends who make you feel shitty #dunno which is worse #they also are extremely cavalier with covid while knowing I have no health insurance #and have supported some statements/actions that really make me sad #so idk I might be basically friendless at this point #i hold on for too long to people who have clearly moved on and don’t much care about being my friend anymore #I’ve tried reaching out a few times to no avail so idk I might just give up #try to cultivate online relationships more #which feels pretty impossible to me #sigh #I’ve been not able to sleep well #because of issues in my life with…all of the few people in it #issues that could be solved if I had kept a wider support network #instead of getting trapped with someone who was abusing me and my friends who don’t seem to give a shit about that and expressed more #concern for him than for me when the news was revealed to them #again I don’t have health insurance so no therapist #which I fucking desperately need right now #i have no one separate to talk to #the one who knows all of the different factors from all of the angles…is the abuser #i feel like I’m in so much fucking pain and I feel so alone and all of the people in my life who are supposed to be my loved ones #are standing around me ignoring me completely and acting like everything is okay #just causing me more and more pain #well this didn’t start out intended as a vent but it sure turned into one huh #i wish I could convey to y’all the desperation and loneliness and aching that I feel #vent

[corrodedcoughin]

it's been a long day, hell it's be a long week, long month, long life. Steve is driving home from work and somebody pulls out in front of him, making him break suddenly and leading the other driver to honking their horn at him.

For some unknown reason, this is the thing that breaks Steve Harrington. He's had a swirl of background thoughts going through his brain for weeks, they aren't anything new. Nothing he hasn't heard or thought before, but they just get so loud, so overwhelmingly loud and overbearing.

Before he knows it the tears are trailing down his face as he drives, he doesn't wipe them away, know there's no point when they aren't going to stop. Suddenly all the thoughts and feelings he's pushed down are right in front of him and he feels like he's drowning. Steve lets himself wallow, lets himself be swallowed by his emotions.

Truthfully, he loves looking after people, feels like if he can't do anything else, he can make sure the people around him feel cared for. He puts immense effort into everything he does for them, checks in with them, always goes the extra mile to makes birthdays and Christmas gifts absolutely perfect. He wants everyone to feel like they are listened to but the thing is, Steve has never experienced that feeling himself.

He bends over backwards to run around giving lifts, fitting his schedule around other and caring so, so much. And he doesn't mean to sound so selfish, but the thing is it hurts, it hurts more than he can possibly explain, he feels hollowed out and so inexplicably lonely. He's in this small town and he doesn't really think he wants to move but what else is he going to do with his life? Everyone else is going to leave and he's going to be left behind, he's never going to find love in this place and that's one thing he is desperate for. He wants to feel loved, he wants to feel like he is a priority to someone, like he matters, like he's special. God he's so heartbreakingly lonely.

The tears are streaming thick and fast, he has to pull over to let the body wracking sob rip through him. He's never going to tell anyone he feels this way, can't let his friends know about the emptiness he feels inside, that he loves them fiercely in hopes that it will fill this deep and dark void. He loves that he can make his friends happy, it's the one thing that keeps him going through it all, the only thing that makes him think this is all worthwhile.

He just aches so intensely, right in his bones, in his soul. He knows his friends love him but he can't internalise it, he's heard people say he matters but he doesn't know how to assimilate the statement into his being. He feels disgusting for thinking these thoughts, bad and mean and self-centered and greedy for something he doesn't deserve but he can't stop himself which only perpetuates the cycle. He hates himself so intensely in that moment, stronger than usual, hates himself so overwhelmingly he feels like he can't breathe.

But he catches the time on the dashboard as he leans his head back against the headrest, sees that it's close to pick up time for Dustin, Lucas and Erika. He wipes his face, takes a deep lungful of air, flips the car indicator up and gets ready to be Steve Harrington again.

#flowers anon this is the post #it was really cathartic so thank you for giving me the permission to be self indulgent and over the top about it #idk man I’m sorry I just in my flop era and I’m sad today #but I’ve got a post to make up for it I swear #stranger things #steve harrington #don’t look to hard I might have revealed a bit too much

[kat-rose-griffith]

Does anyone else want to see Portia Featherington get knocked on her ass by love or is that just me? Like it’s really sad to me that she so factually doesn’t believe in romantic love. Obviously she didn’t have it with her useless prick of a husband, but her being so certain that love is just a fairytale means she didn’t see it anywhere in her family growing up either. I mean it’s not at all necessary to her character and not everyone needs to fall in romantic love, as she said her kids are her love, but I just think it would be neat seeing a character like her thinking romantic love is entirely imaginary and getting another chance to get completely floored by it

#bridgerton #portia featherington #I recognize that I’m probably alone in this #it also doesn’t feel fair that Violet has been surrounded by endless love her entire life gets praised for believing in it and gets 2 #idk I just feel like I can see Portia’s entire upbringing when she talks about love and marriage and society and it makes me so sad

[shima-draws]

So my roommate is also into One Piece. I’m not sure if he’s watched any of the anime, I know for sure he’s watched the live action, but earlier tonight he came upstairs and watched a few episodes with me while waiting for a food delivery, and then he got hooked, and then he sat and watched MORE episodes with me without really knowing what was going on. But it was still wildly entertaining to him, esp since I’m right in the middle of one of the (arguably) best arcs rn, and now he wants to finish the arc with me LOL. NOBODY is immune to One Piece propaganda. Or Bon-chan 🥰

#Shima speaks #IT WAS JUST REALLY FUNNY #Like he’s been spoiled to a lot of stuff and has general knowledge of some things #So he knows (as well as I) about what’s going to happen to Ace #But yeah I’m in the middle of Impel Down and it’s absolute fucking CHAOS rn. Insane. #He was like. How much more are you going to watch tonight. #And I was like well I usually go until right before bedtime when I’m binging it #So he was like let me grab my blanky :) LOL #We started chanting PRISON RIOT!! PRISON RIOT!! PRISON RIOT!!!!! #Idk it’s just nice. I usually don’t get this kind of reaction to stuff I watch #My parents don’t like anime and my sister. Well she likes it but only specific series #So I couldn’t rope her into OP even if I tried lol #So having someone be like ooooh what are you watching it looks good I want to join! #IT FEELS NICE. OKAY. I don’t get that ever!!! #I don’t have the kind of family who would be willing to watch anime with me #And tbh I get jealous when my friends tell me they watch anime with their parents #I doubt my parents would watch anime if I were on my deathbed and asked them to. LMAO #Not faulting then it’s not their cup of tea which is fine. It just makes me sad #*them #Bc that’s just. Such a HUGE part of my life and who I am. And they don’t know anything about that side of me #Or about the things I’m into #Sorry didn’t mean to get emo in my tags. Anyway. #I was gonna watch more OP during my lunch break tomorrow BUT since my roommate also wants to watch more. I will wait :) #Never have to do that usually! Huh!! How fun!!! #One Piece

[alyona11]

The duality of man is when you love Hadestown so much that you hate Hadestown

#me being me #idk something something show getting generic #like it’s still a good show but a good show and 4/5 and 8/10 rating for a show such as hadestown is shameful #I do think that hadestown should hit like a life changing event that made me fall in love with it #not like some generic Broadway/WE show that you see and vaguely remember liking a year after #and like it’s kinda sad to understand that it doesn’t quite hit like this now #either because of acting choices of some folks (which tbh not fully their fault and I wrote a post about it) #either because Anaïs decides to make a lyric change which is like the most obvious downgrade #that it makes me think ‘oh the show thinks I’m stupid’ #instead of idk making the one change people have been complaining for years #like even fuck it just idk leave what works working #idk I feel like seeing WE made me thinking about it more #and I did enjoy the show a lot and I had fun #but also I keep thinking how some small bits didn’t fit and the show didn’t hit as it should #which makes me feel of people who will experience ht for the first time and might not understand the show’s full impact like I did #idk just thoughts

[buff-muffin]

Post Marineford spoilers nerds

You guys ever think about how in that small recovery arc after marineford that Luffy was still wearing the same shorts from the battle? Like, Law and the others could have lent him some clothes. Or idfk an old jump suit. Like. I know the pants were red but they would probably be black with the amount of blood that must of soaked those fuckers. His blood, Ace’s, Jimbe’s and the amount of corpses that must have been on the floor.

Do you think they still smelled of smoke, gun powder and blood? Do you think they made Luffy’s flashbacks worse? Do you think seeing his blood soaked yellow vest triggered him? What do you think happened to that outfit? He wasn’t wearing it when he returned to marineford. Maybe he burned it. Like stripping himself of that layer of himself or shedding his skin. Maybe it’s at the bottom of the ocean. A scar he could never rid of not forgotten but buried.

Idk man I’m just snowballing :)

#marineford #marineford spoilers #one piece #op #portgas d ace #monkey d. luffy #luffy #trafalgar law #I haven’t started on post time skip yet. I might next week depends on if I feel I’ve waited enough. #so I don’t actually know much about how Luffy handed things if more information is given later #I just KNOW Rayleigh had to be his therapist for those two years #no spoilers for post time skip btw #I’m sad we didn’t get to see more sad Luffy #like idk man. he’s at his LOWEST #COME ON ODA LET IT SIMMER LET US H U R T #SMH I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE #one piece headcanons #head canons #rambles