#imagine not looking at this man and not immediately going 'internalised homophobia' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

doomstypewriter · 3 years

Note

would u do forbidden love, secret relationship moceit? i was thinking a pseudo-historical au, ideally with homophobia as the motivator for the forbidden/secret part but if u absolutely dont wanna do that janus being an outlaw would also work i suppose. just some whacky bois sneaking through windows to hang out, nearly being caught smooching, funny hijinks, then! sudden melancholy about how in love they are & never being able to show it

Finally, anon, I am done!!!! I gladly present to you the final chapter, just in time for Valentine's Day (call that timing (once you read the thing you'll get this reference)).

Hope you enjoy it, and thank you for giving me the chance to write something this cool!

<< Chapter 1 AO3

We call it an affair because it's a forbidden romance

Word count: 9376

Summary: Janus is dumb. He may be intelligent, but intelligence isn't at odds with poor foresight. So he makes a mistake that can get him killed. Romina is very gay and very angry. Patton is confused but does his best. Virginia is the only one with a functioning brain cell. Or, how a chain of misunderstandings almost ruins everything.

TW: Seemingly Unsymphathetic fem!Roman (not really, she is just feeling very hurt and angry and it is all resolved eventually), mild transphobia, mentions of blood, mentions of violence (there is a sword fight), mild misogyny, internalised misogyny, internalised homophobia, homophobia, mild threats of violence (again, the sword fight), swearing... I think that's all, but if you spot anything else tell me.

Chapter 2: The rest of their lives

The light raised above the darkness and it was morning again. In two days time, Patton would be meeting the countess, just so he could start properly courting her, not because his father wanted to get a title and land for his son. To suggest such a thing would be ridiculous. Scandalous even!

Reputation ruining…

Janus got up from his cot, unfit for the heavy silks that covered it, some stolen, some gifted by Patton. He looked at the things surrounding him. His house wasn’t so bad. It was in fact bigger than the places inhabited by most peasants, and a palace compared to the things in which people like him had to sleep… the things where he had had to lay in. The house consisted of one room, like most, but the size made up for the lack of divisions.

This was a cave reimagined as a home. The walls had been lined with timber and thoroughly coated with stucco, the curving grooves of its application were not that noticeable, Janus was not a professional but he had certainly done his best. Aside from the absence of windows, it didn’t resemble a cave. There was a section of rock he had left uncovered at the very back, where water seeped out of the wall and provided him with a steady source of the thing. He would prefer not drinking watered-down stucco.

He began to get dressed. All of his clothing was stored within a small but beautifully carved cupboard he had stolen from a manor in Bohemia. He had plenty of garments from here and there, five outfits in total! Stolen as well.

In the house, what he hadn’t crafted himself he had stolen. Perfume bottles from France, boots and gold from the Kingdom of Aragon, a stiletto and a medium-sized silver mirror from the Republic of Venice… he even had two tapestries.

But, even then, it was nothing compared to Villa Morandi. He surrounded himself with opulence to quench his thirst for wealth, the easy life of those above. His home was an illusion, a taste of richness, in which a poor man could pretend. This was not a place where Patton could live, let alone want to.

If he was to spread rumours, then what? A plan of keeping Patton to himself would not succeed and his lover’s life would be as good as done.

After packing his fanciest clothes and putting on the ones he used for travelling, he set to leave. He carried his stiletto, a grappling hook and a sword, all three perfectly hidden under his cape.

Using a hidden pulley system, Janus moved the boulder that hid the entrance to the cave, returning it to its place afterwards. No one would find his home no matter how long he left.

The path down the slope of the mountain twisted and turned. Janus was in no disposition to waste time, so he went across the forest. Half-lost in the trees lay the cabin of a woodsman’s family. A while ago, Janus had left them a steed along with one florin. The family cared for the horse, not knowing exactly what to do. As the horse appeared and disappeared, bringing them thirty soldi each time, they began to get the gist. Upon reaching the cabin, he headed for a well-built timber shed where his horse waited, fed and rested.

He left thirty soldi on a small stool at the corner of the shed, mounted his horse, and galloped away.

The Regio county manor was two days away by horse.

Patton left yesterday, as his carriage would take longer to get there, stops and all, than one man on horseback.

Janus paused at the base of the mountain. With one whistle his hawk surfaced from the sea of trees to land on his forearm-length glove.

“You are to find Signor Morandi’s and Patton’s carriage. Follow them without drawing attention to yourself, find me and report to me at dusk. If anything urgent were to happen, come to my side immediately”.

-------------------------

His room at the inn felt quiet despite the muffled sounds from down below, where people chanted and told stories.

The cool breeze wouldn’t be half-unpleasant if he wasn’t leaning on the ledge of a wide-open window. I also didn’t help that he was in his underwear. Father would certainly scold him for letting himself be seen in his linen undershirt. Some may think he was waiting for some disreputable company.

It was more hoping than waiting. Also, Janus couldn’t possibly be disreputable. Out of costume, he had no reputation whatsoever. He liked to keep it that way. His real identity had no friend nor foe, in that he found safety. It had been hard to trust each other. Believe a criminal could be good. Let the son of a merchant become a friend, form an opinion of Janus, the original one. A part of him felt so proud, to see him grow, believe him, love him… another part found it sad for people to miss on such a wonderful person.

Nights like this made him nostalgic. The first floors had tallow candles cast their diffuse glow onto the streets. Cobblestones seemed softened by the warm tint. Darkness rendered malleable to the light. It all made him miss Janus even more.

The touch of his palm, holding the weight of his lazy head, a poor substitute to Janus’ hand.

On such a night they had met. How scared he had been! A bit angry too… captivated as well, even if he couldn’t admit it to himself at the time.

Patton smiled in contemplation.

He had spotted him right there, sitting out of the adjacent window, ready to jump and make a run for it.

“Stop! You will get hurt, good sir!” at first he did not realise the true nature of what was happening.

To think Janus could be harmed by jumping off a window! He knew better now. Balconies were his true weakness. Thankfully, the only balconies he climbed now were his.

“Oh, I’ll stop at once. Care to join?” Janus said as he pulled a stiletto out of his cape.

“You are stealing!”

“I would never!” he feigned indignation.

“Then what is it that you are doing, good sir?”

Oh, Patton could still hear the laugh that had followed, velvety and insincere. It brought a chill up his spine.

“Stealing, of course”.

“That is vile!”

“Is it? You’re all allowed to provide for yourselves by buying fabrics and goods created by others. Am I not doing as you do? Are merchants not thieves? How can you tell a vile man from another? What do you know of this world, dear?”

“Well… I... I know for certain that the woman in that room, the one you are stealing from, sir, is not wealthy. She may look the part, but that is thanks to heirlooms. Her family has been impoverished for two generations”.

“Does it make you virtuous to spread the secrets of others? Isn’t gossip frowned upon by those of…” he lifted his gold rosary from under his shirtfront with the tip of his blade “your inclination”.

“I am merely explaining so you may be persuaded to accept my gold in exchange for returning her possessions”.

“Why shouldn’t I just take your gold and keep her stuff too?”

“We may be allowed to provide for ourselves in ways others may view as vile, but should we condemn those who cannot on the account of not wanting to express vileness or having no means to? I do not mean to intrude, sir, but the thoughts behind your words betray your stance in this dilemma. You shall find more satisfaction in stealing what you believe was already stolen. A poor woman is not worth your pride, nor ridding you of the chance to make me lose mine”.

Janus frowned as if he didn't expect him to say something like that. Later he would confess to him that what shocked him was hearing him say something smart. It keeps on surprising him whenever he does.

"Quick, hand me your gold and I might consider it".

"No, sir, I expect you to leave what you have taken first".

He did try to hide his eagerness. But, how his cape rustled, once inside, betrayed him. What kind of thief was so noisy? He thought to himself. Once they had built trust, Janus explained that he had been quite shaken up by his offering. He neglected to mention the reason why. Patton imagined it was because he found his disposition to put himself in harm’s way for others ridiculous.

The thief’s half-concealed face emerged from the window.

"Will three florin do?" Patton asked, pulling his coin bag.

Janus looked at the rich embroidered fabric almost in awe. If only, for a second.

“I suppose…”

“Well, then, there you go, sir”.

His hands pried the bag open, ready to pull the golden coins.

“Hmm…”

“What is the matter?”

“I could always just go back and get all the stuff”.

“Is it not enough for you?” he showed him the three pieces of gold in his open palm.

It was as if he could almost feel him licking his lips. The part of him, dark, often chastised, made him shake and quiver. His knees felt weak, somehow. This hunger in the thief’s eyes, almost akin to wonder, at the sight of gold, as if he had never seen so much before, it made him want to… dear Lord, no!

“To put such a price on mending the error of my ways” he laughed, staring right through him with those green eyes. Patton’s knees threatened to buckle for real. “It isn’t very much, now, is it?” he leaned forward, and if Patton leaned as well maybe he could… what? Fall from this height for a pretty thief?

“What do you want, then?”

That had been a first for Janus, Patton was certain. He didn’t quite get his reaction, but, picturing it again some days later he figured the thief was taken aback.

“Uh… tha-that fancy coin bag of yours will do. Consider me a gentleman, I wouldn’t want to fleece you completely, the first time”.

“Oh, I’m sure”.

“Ha”, Janus stared at him in disbelief.

Patton felt mortified.

“I-I mean…”

“Are you always this eloquent or is it just poor skill when it comes to existing?” the sentence did not sound as condescending as it should have, more like borderline flirtatious.

Words would not come to him.

“The coin bag, please”.

His arm moved on his own, careful to avoid touch. It would be a bad idea to give this man a chance to tip him over the ledge. For a moment, he hesitated. This bag had been gifted to him by his father, he had two made for the two of them. It was two of a kind. But… the woman next door’s wellbeing was far more valuable than any piece of fabric. No matter how treasured.

Janus dangled the bag from his pointer finger, right next to his face. Side-eying his price, he spoke again:

“Looks like the virtuous are also the most stupid”.

The thief readied himself to jump. Patton knew he had to say something, because, this moment, it told him he would regret it if he didn’t.

“It is not about virtue, but goodness”.

For a moment he thought he had heard him stop breathing. Then, he jumped. Patton jumped in his place as well. He couldn’t help but bring his entire torso out of the window.

There he was! Running. He had made no noise in his landing.

Just when he was about to disappear into the shadows, this weird new acquaintance looked at him one last time.

Back then, Janus vanished for a while. Patton had come to learn that he would always return one way or another.

Like now.

A shadow moved, carefully, on the roof tiles at the other side of the street. Patton whistled, trying not to be too loud, not that anyone below would hear him. Knowing it had been spotted, the shadow flew to his side.

“Hello, big guy”.

After a rustle of feathers, the hawk landed at his left.

“Why the grumpy face?” Patton laughed. “I know it’s just your brow feathers. You’re so handsome” he caressed the top of the bird’s head with one finger.

“He sent you all the way here. You must be tired. I don’t have any food for you here, but I’m sure I can get you something to drink”.

Patton poured some water into a basin and carried it to the window, he placed it on the floor.

“There, it’s supposed to be used to wash your face… I guess you can do that too if you want”.

The hawk flew inside and drank it all dry.

“You ought to tell Janus”, he began saying as he bent his knees, “to stop worrying so much. I am okay. I know he is concerned, but it will all be fine. Also, when you get home, ask him when is he going to let me visit, I’d love to go”.

-------------------------

The carriage clattered over the stone pathway. Inside, the curtains were drawn, but a pang of curiosity made it so Patton moved them, ever-so-slightly, aside to take a discrete look.

Big was an understatement when one tried to describe the Regio manor. It was a three-storey building comprised of a first floor with a rusticated facade that had four small windows on each side, the centre being interrupted by a wide mason staircase presided by a classic structure of pilasters, then followed by an entablature and a pediment with the most ornate of tympanums. He imagined the staircase lead to the primo piano nobile. To both sides of the main entrance were two sets of four architrave windows built in perfect symmetry. Above it all, was the third floor, which mostly mirrored the second, but had a total of ten slightly smaller windows, as there wasn’t another central element to interrupt their flow.

If this marriage agreement moved forward, one day, this would be technically his. It will be his wife’s, but, as spouses, they are supposed to share it all. Villa Morandi will be hers as well, it was only fair.

A part of him felt bad for not having had the chance to keep contact with Lady Romina Regio previous to now. How was one supposed to feel when they get no say in who they marry? Father, at least, had asked him. Yes, he risked disappointing him, but, ultimately, the choice was his. Will this woman, on the account of her status, be allowed such a choice? He feared her parents were the only people who would decide. Father too. Does she even want the father of her fiancé to take this from her? Is it right to deceive themselves like this, to have God bind them when no love is to arise from this union? Is a potential friendship worthy of the sacrament of matrimony?

Patton knew two things with certainty: he wanted to be a good friend to Lady Romina Regio and he could not sacrifice his feelings for Janus to achieve it.

They were guided inside by Virginia Fusco, Lady Romina Regio’s personal servant.

The entrance consisted of a corridor, divided into three naves, by two rows of ionic columns made of rose gold marble. Above that, there was a straight ceiling with five rows of twelve coffers, all richly painted with floral and geometric motifs. His boots looked cheap in comparison to the flooring they walked on. Big and polished terracotta tiles in a diamond pattern covered the ground, the corners were clipped to accommodate small white marble accents.

Once they passed the entrance, this father was led upstairs by another servant, while Virginia instructed him to accompany her elsewhere.

“I am glad you arrived here safely after leaving Villa Morandi. Has everything been well?”

She stilled for a moment.

“Uuh… thank you for the kind concern, sir. Things in the house have been… busy due to the news of your engagement to her ladyship” she began walking again.

“I was asking about you”.

“Pardon?”

“When I asked, before, I wanted to know if you have been doing well. It must be stressful to be sent back and forth between the palazzo and Villa Morandi during the last weeks, especially being a personal maid to her ladyship, it is uncommon for someone like you to be used as a messenger”.

“I shall do anything her ladyship requires. Any task”.

“Oh! Sorry! I did not intend to say you would not”, Patton stopped dead in his tracks.

Virginia turned around and stared at him in confusion.

“I… when you first arrived I did not expect her ladyship’s personal servant to be at my home. Her ladyship’s maid is supposed to stay with her, so I thought something bad might have happened… The trip in between is not too long but done enough times it can prove to be energy-consuming”.

Patton was met with even more confusion from Virginia, so he kept babbling in hopes of fixing his mistake. “Not that you would not be willing to put up with it for her ladyship, I am sure. I did also not mean to assume anything, that is why I asked in the first place, I only meant it kindly…”

“Sir, it is alright”, she began saying.

If Patton had not been as worked up with the conversation as he was he may have detected the slightest hint of amusement coming from Virginia.

“Her ladyship is--”

“Oh! Oh, that too! I did not mean to not inquire about her ladyship’s wellbeing, part of me dared to hope I could meet her today and ask her in person…”

“Sir, please, follow me. I am afraid we cannot keep the person I am taking you to waiting, you see, her ladyship finds it upsetting”.

Patton laughed.

It caught Virginia off guard. People were not supposed to behave so… openly within these walls. At least she wasn’t used to it.

“You must excuse this man’s oblivious nature, I should have realised where you were taking me earlier”.

“Sir, I am undeserving of your apologies. But, if we keep stalling, her ladyship will require one”.

“Of course, lead the way”.

-------------------------

His horse reached the palazzo just in time to see the Morandi’s carriage passing by.

Unlike his dear Patton, he did not have an invitation. Sneaking past the guards, an easy task if you asked him, had to suffice.

The place was huge, it was to be expected from such a family. Janus couldn’t care less for the grandeur, not when he couldn’t get his hands on it, and that wasn’t the reason why he had come there.

It would seem the Regio had it going on. The palazzo was relatively new, built, at most, fifty years ago. If you checked the list, all of the items relating to appearance did justice to the status of the family. Looking closely though…

There were only two boys and an old man tending to the gardens. Gardens as big as everything else, mind you. So, clearly, they were understaffed. Which was precisely why Janus had been able to hide between a set of unkempt bushes to change into today’s costume. As long as he managed to avoid getting any leaves of brunches stuck, it would all be fine.

Back to the Regio, though. If one was as much of an expert at judging other people’s wealth as Janus was, save that one time with a woman at an inn, it became obvious that the counts were missing on the money. Firstly, the manor had been built recently, but most certainly not after the war. Secondly, the guards were as many as one would expect, but not as… on guard -curse Patton’s sense of humour- as they should. This just told him they weren’t being paid that much. Then was the matter of understaffing.

And, of course, Patton’s presence here.

Janus had not forgotten Signor Morandi’s words. Patton could only afford to marry a countess because the Regio could not afford anyone less wealthy.

The clothes were on and he was inside the house.

Why did these people never put any sort of vigilance at the servant’s entrances? It never occurred to them that even if people wouldn’t steal their laundry, perhaps they would get in with the laundry. Pathetic.

It made his life easier, though.

He was in.

He was in and he was going to… what?

For starters try to find any dirt on Patton’s dear future wife. Maybe any belongings that could give him some leverage. Just to be safe.

Janus knew Patton would keep his word, even if it destroyed him, and it would. Nobles always wanted offspring. Janus just wasn’t sure if Patton would be up for the task when someone did not have his pretty eyes and his masculine figure.

Causing troubles for his beloved was the last thing he wanted. But, if it came to it, Janus would do anything. Whether that meant creating accidents, blackmailing or appointing a convenient kidnapping during a wedding night.

He went up the servant’s stairs and reached a second-floor gallery, open to the courtyard below.

Just when he was about to leave, his ears caught some hushed shouting coming from above.

-------------------------

“How could she do this to me!?”

Romina stormed the third-floor corridor, without any bearing nor destination.

“Your ladyship, please, we must go back!” Virginia ran behind her, speaking between her teeth.

“Did you see him, Virg?”

“Yes, I did, your ladyship”.

“I-- this is outrageous!”

“I beg you, can we not have this conversation here, your ladyship?”

Despite Virginia kindly pointing out that the third-floor gallery was hardly an appropriate location for such or any kind of discussion, Romina did not heed her request.

“I was going to become a princess! And because of this, I am deprived of royalty! Because my sister fancies herself a man!”

“For the love of…, you know what, no. I am tired of this. She dresses like a man, she talks like a man, she looks like a man and she feels like one. In which way is she, no, he, not a man?”

Romina grimaced at her own words. Still, she was far too angry to let go of her resentment.

“In the fact that he has no honour. He lied to me, several times. First by promising we’ll stay together. Then he did not care to tell me I had a brother, didn’t even trust me for that, and now he has abandoned me. And what for? He saw that pretty ‘scientist’ or whatever he calls himself and decided to follow him to the end of the world. How come he gets to be a pirate when I have to become a wife?!”

“Romina, please, shut your big mouth before anyone overhears us” Virginia warned.

“So now I must be quiet!”

“Yes! For your sake, you dumbass”.

“Well, I will not be quiet, you… you sonnetist of elegies!”

“That’s not even a--” Virginia placed her hand on the bridge of her nose.

As if to make her point clearer, Romina kept walking into the gallery.

“I don’t care! You know why? Because now I have to replace him in a destiny none of us wanted, but at least he had been prepared for! What am I going to do?”

“How about you begin by coming back--”

“He leaves me like this, to be mocked and compared to him,--”

“Oh Lord, why do I even bother--”

“--who ran away. How could he be so selfish!? Let me ask you this instead, how can a man surrender his word and his honour so readily?”

Then, Virginia stilled completely.

She didn’t know whether she felt angry or deeply saddened.

“What wouldn’t any of us do to seize the freedom that we have forever been denied? And, who wouldn’t cast away honour to be free and loved? Can’t you identify with that, or are you a liar too?”

“I…”

“Is it Remus who you’re angry at?”

“It doesn’t matter what I think. I am still going to have to get married to some random person--!”

“Oh, shut up! At least he’s nice! Do you know what he did when he met me? Because he came to personally receive me, you see. He asked for my name! Not only that, but he remembers it. Just when I was taking him to see you, he asked me how had I been! Have you any idea how many people do that? You are so privileged you cannot get your head out of your stuck-up ass, Princess. Nobody ever cares how people like me are doing!”

“Oh, so that is what this is about! Well, sorry I can’t pepper you with attention every waking moment, love--”

“Fuck off, I already know that, stop making this about you!”

“But it is about me!”

“You’re so lucky you get to marry a kind man! Any other person would just use his status to be a self-righteous narcissistic asshole, yes, Princess, like you, but not young Signor Morandi so quit mopping!”

“Well, if you like him so much, then why don’t you marry him instead?!”

Her hands gripped her apron tightly. Virginia could not bear her gaze at the moment. She bit her lip as if that could help her to cope with the backlash at the sheer stupidity of Romina’s words.

“I am sorry”.

“You… at least you’re… hmm…” she took a deep breath. In part to give herself time to consider what to say carefully, but, also, to calm down. “Male-inclined. I… your ladyship, if I did not serve you I fear I would only be any good left in a nunnery. You must understand, if I could choose who to marry, well, kind and considerate is not much of my type, as you must be aware. Neither is Signor Morandi”.

“If…”

Romina returned to her side.

Her hands, littered with all sorts of rings, made Virginia’s hands give up on holding the apron. The labour-stained pair were squeezed safely.

“Please, please look at me”.

The request made Virginia want to refuse. But, aside from her position, these were the kind of situations in which Virginia could not deny Romina.

“If I could choose who to marry, it would be one who would make me a princess, not on the account of status, but with word… if you know what I mean”.

Virginia rolled her eyes.

“The only one that dense here is you”.

“The mouth on you. I am going to have to keep you by my side”, she paused for a second and then whispered, “my love”.

Her gaze was most intense upon hearing that. The pair of dark brown eyes opening in a way that could be described as feline.

“No nunnery could be at your level when it comes to sarcasm and bossing other women around. I, at the very least, can hold my ground for longer until you get me to do your bid--”

Finally, Romina was quiet.

Virginia gripped her shoulders, squeezing the puffs of her dress’ sleeves, with the tips of her fingers touching against the golden netting that covered Romina’s chest. It was as if she was trying to drink the life out of those lips. Her very being was buzzing with want and anger.

The bejewelled woman became pliant, yet passionate, under the touch. Bravery, whenever it surfaced in Virginia, was something to behold. Even more of a thing to experience.

“Fuck” Virginia covered her mouth with her hands as she abruptly parted.

“Likewise. Oh, I feel dizzy” she smiled.

“No, not that way. I… shit… I just did...that! And here!”

“Now, now”, Romina grasped her hands.

She caressed the base of Virginia’s thumbs with a devoted look.

“Ro…”

“No reason to panic, my nightly gale”.

“Well, I wouldn’t be so sure about that” a voice came from the other side of the gallery.

-------------------------

The room was quiet.

No.

The room was completely silent and Patton had no idea what had gone wrong. He never intended to say something that could harm anyone’s sensitivities. It just never occurred to him that someone could be offended by a pun about the weather.

This first attempt at friendship had not been… great.

His father would certainly laugh at Lady Romina Regio’s decision to storm out of the room upon hearing a silly joke. He would make nothing of it. He’d say womanly outbursts were to be expected. Darn it, most people would say so.

Ignoring it would be simple.

Patton could not ignore it.

Firstly, it became clear to him that her ladyship had no say in her marrying him. Not only that, but she might feel strongly against it. Secondly, and most important, he intended to build a friendship with her.

Considering the circumstances, the best he could do would be to find her and speak from the heart. If he explained to her that he meant no ill by making a joke, or to be insensitive by indulging in frivolities in the face of such a serious matter as their first meeting, she might feel better. And, if she still refused him, he could offer to call the entire thing off.

Except that would be a terrible idea. Her family needed the money and going back on his choice would make her chances even more difficult. But, maybe, she wanted that. Her reaction pointed to it. Father would be very disappointed, the last thing Patton wanted was to be a bad son. But wasn’t it worse to force a woman into a marriage? Also, Janus. He’d be free to remain with him for longer.

What was he going to do? He didn’t know what the right answer to this was.

Talking to her. Patton could start by doing that, but first, he needed to find her.

-------------------------

This wasn’t the kind of dirt he had expected to find, but only a moron would look a gift horse in the mouth right now.

The servant girl’s passion came out of nowhere. He almost wanted to take notes.

“No reason to panic, my nightly gale”, said the countess, still entranced at the sight of her maid’s hands.

She had just given him his cue, so Janus could not help but oblige.

“Well, I wouldn’t be so sure about that”, he said leaving his hiding spot.

Instantly, they turned to look at him. The countess let go of the other’s hands in a jolt. Her demeanour changed in a second. So, not only was she a countess, but also a terrific actress.

“Oh! Good day sir! Are you, by any chance, lost? My servant can…” she looked at the aforementioned.

Her maid was having none of it. She eyed him suspiciously, ignoring how her mistress’ body language asked her to calm down.

“Were you coming to see his lordship? I am afraid he is busy at the moment”.

“Oh, well yes. I was sent by Marquess Sanders to inquire about a series of matters relating to war expenses” he said as he took off his cape.

By revealing his outfit he hoped to gain some credibility. Looking rich always got people off your back. Especially when you carried a sword.

The countess’ eyes lit up in recognition of his dusack. Dusacks were one of the main weapons sent by Marquess Sanders during the war, this one so happened to also have the family crest attached to the scabbard.

Normally, he would have covered it to avoid getting Thomas into trouble.

“Well, in that case--” Romina began to say.

“Excuse me, sir, but I am sure her ladyship would first like to see the letters that his lordship always has his people carry”.

“Is your maid often allowed to talk over you, your ladyship?”

“I...uh…” Romina looked at her maid for help.

“Well, that is to be expected, as she is allowed to do much more than that, is she not?”

The maid squinted at him.

“Oh, that thing? It was a… a token of friendship!” the countess proudly proclaimed.

While she may be a fantastic actress, she surely was a terrible liar. The maid scoffed in the way Janus could not, whether it was due to hearing her lover say something that ridiculous or because of the awful lie he could not tell.

“If that is how I treated all my friends I am certain my lovers would be confused”.

Both women caught their breaths.

“I would, of course, not be so indiscreet as to say anything, for a price, that is”.

“What is it that you want?”

“I’ve heard you are soon to be married--”

The maid looked at him even more intensely, and then…

“Your ladyship, this man is deceiving you”.

“Yeah, I can tell, we were just discussing--”

“You dense ass, not now, all the time! His money bag over there, it’s Signor Morandi’s!”

Oh, fuck.

Well, it couldn’t be helped.

Janus unsheathed his sword and pointed it to the maid’s neck.

“I suggest we keep this matter quiet, or else I’ll have to keep it quiet forever”.

-------------------------

Patton’s efforts to find Lady Romina Regio or her servant, Virginia, had not been successful so far. He had explored the main areas of the house, now finding himself at the first-floor courtyard.

The smells coming from the kitchen, where the staff worked in their earnest to prepare tonight’s dinner, danced in the air. Patton sat at a stone bench, wondering what else he could do. His only chance would be waiting until both families dined together. He’d wish to apologise to her ladyship before that, so they could indulge in the dishes without any looming over.

Then, the faint sound of a voice coming from above called his attention.

It was barely hearable due to the clankings of nearby cooking. But there was no way he wouldn’t recognise it.

“I would... be so indiscreet … price...” Patton could make out.

Indeed, it was Janus’ voice. If that and the words ‘indiscreet’ and ‘price’ were anything to go by, he was blackmailing someone.

Her ladyship was nowhere to be found and Janus was being Janus nearby. It didn’t take too much to put two and two together.

Patton moved around the courtyard while staring upwards.

There they were! He only had to find a way to…

Oh no.

Janus was pointing his sword to Virginia’s neck.

Before Patton could realise what he was doing, his feet were already running upstairs.

-------------------------

This would have been a great time for both of them to bail, hadn’t a sword been pointed at her. But, that's life. Some days you wake up next to your lover in her chambers with a deep feeling of dread over, well, everything; other days you are about to get basically beheaded, what can you do.

For starters, Virginia was going to fight, because she didn’t feel particularly inspired to think at the moment.

“Please, do not hurt her, I beg you”, Romina said.

Wonderful. Virginia was either about to get hurt or be very lucky on her own accord.

She quickly leaned back and ducked, taking advantage of the man’s attention being redirected at Romina’s plea.

Definitely, she was getting hurt, not lucky, as the sword fell down on her with a swift swoop.

That was it.

Then, Romina pulled another sword from the pocket opening of her dress, crossing blades with the thief, but, most importantly, saving her life. She was going to be really cocky about it, if they made it out in one piece.

“Well, this was a lovely surprise”, the thief said as Romina and he circled each other, edges sliding in a sharp sound, “but if you don’t give it up, you’ll end up maimed and, after that, let’s say… your maid may take a nudge downstairs”.

Romina slid the sword away and twirled it back to strike. The thief had enough reflexes to put his dusack across his face before it got cut in half.

A strong clank echoed all over the gallery and the courtyard below.

“You foul fiend! You may be brave enough to threaten me, but your overconfidence in thinking you can get away--” she struck again, “with endangering her--” Romina turned them, making it so Virginia was behind her, as if to underline her words, “shall be your downfall”.

“Thank you for enlightening me, your highness” the thief began to say.

He overpowered Romina by twisting their swords. She collided against Virginia’s chest after the villain shoved her away.

“This has, clearly, proved how friendly you are. By all means, tell me, are you also willing to die for all of your friends?”

His next move was more successful now that he had gained more range of attack. The thief plunged forward in a piercing motion. Romina stopped it with a backhanded sweep, then turned on herself, making it so his blade pointed to the ground.

“I would die for her, any day”.

Virginia did not have the right to feel as flustered as she did, not when they were in mortal danger. Somehow, Romina’s best romantic lines happened whenever she did not speak them directly to her. Seeing her look that fierce when fighting may also factor into it. Why did Princess always have to be so intense?

“Is this a confession? Scandalous!”

“It is a promise”.

There was a delicate balance between each other for a moment. Their eyes locked in a stare.

It was so strange, Virginia thought. This man keeps on threatening them, but he hesitates. What was holding him back? Also, why steal a coin bag when you plan on blackmailing someone? Yes, it had to be planned, otherwise, the marquess lie made no sense, too much preparation involved for that to be a coincidence. Could he actually be sent by the marquess? But, why? The Regio and the marquess had had a wonderful relationship over the years.

Something didn’t fit.

The thief moved ever so slightly. Romina, clearly, wasn’t taking any chances.

In a display of quick reflexes, she side-kicked him on the chest, making him stumble backwards.

While the thief struggled to regain his footing, Romina sliced through the cord keeping Signor Morandi’s coin bag attached to his waist. She smiled playfully.

“For someone so smug, you are surely a clumsy opponent”.

“I’ll give you clumsy” he replied stepping forward and thrusting with the sword.

Romina blocked his attack effortlessly, but, soon, Virginia realised that wasn’t the thief’s intention. His right foot was just in front of the bag, ready to move it towards him like a hook.

“Ro, the bag!” Virginia warned.

She looked down and smirked.

“This the price of greed”, Romina mocked as her sword turned to strike the thief’s right leg.

The dusack crossed blades, again, with Romina’s before it could do any damage.

“Your willingness to lose a leg over some gold only proves the worth of your lot”.

He leaned closer to Romina, looking at her in the eye as he twisted their swords to get the upper hand.

“You know nothing about me or what I stand for”, he said in a deep and menacing voice.

Romina laughed in between her teeth.

“I may not, but I know one thing”.

“Oh, and what is that?”

“You just got distracted”.

Romina’s foot slipped past the thief’s, kicking the coin bag away from him. He ran to his left while blocking Romina’s attacks at his right.

What was so special about a coin bag anyway?

-------------------------

Patton began to hear sword fighting noises just before he reached the entrance to the stairs.

What was Janus thinking? Engaging in a face-off with Lady Romina Regio, who not only was a countess with an apparent disdain for weather puns but also a remarkable swordswoman, had to be one of his worst ideas to date.

While he had faith in Janus’ skills, he also knew that her ladyship’s fencing instructor had been fired, as a lesson, after she stabbed a man on the shoulder during a ‘casual’ duel.

-------------------------

The coin bag was kicked and pushed from one place to another by the thief and Romina while they dodged attacks.

“Is it the gold you are fighting for or is it your pride, villain?” she said, smirk reflecting on her blade.

“Hasn’t anyone ever told you not to project your desires onto others? So honourable protecting her frail maiden!”, he pushed forward. “Still… it would almost seem, not because of the self-indulging banter, that you only duel to flatter yourself”.

“The one who is so set in getting a stolen coin bag dares to lecture me on selfishness!”

Romina used her weight to stop him from making her retrocede any further. Her grin widened, satisfied in this victory.

“Takes one egoist to know one”.

Right then, the thief made a sudden move.

“Romina!” Virginia exclaimed.

“I’m fine!” she said, wiping the bleeding cut on her jaw.

The thief looked at the prized coin bag that he now held in his hand.

“Loved beating you, but I think I will take my lea--”

He was interrupted by Romina’s scream. Her sword wooshed several times in front of his face, barely leaving him time to bend backwards to avoid it. The dusack clancked against the floor.

“Shit” the thief cursed.

Things looked dire for the thief. With his sword out of reach, there was little he could do. Romina’s sword flashed by one more time, slashing through his left upper arm. Despite the painful burn of the cut, his left hand did not let go of the coin bag. Nevertheless, he fell on his knee, clutching the wound with his free hand.

“I will make you an offering, villain”, Romina pointed at him with the sword, gloating over his tilted gaze. “Return Signor Morandi’s coin bag to me, and I shall let you go”.

“Your ladyship, kindly get stabbed in the chest”.

She turned his back on him, twirling her sword while at it.

“As you wish”.

Time froze before Romina could even think about delivering the killing blow.

Virginia saw the thief reach for his boot, pulling out a stiletto. He stood up and positioned his knife pointing upwards. Because of this, Virginia panicked, already imagining the tip breaking through Romina’s lower back and into her chest.

Immediately, she ran in front of the thief, head empty of thoughts, only consuming fear. At the same time, the thief began a descending motion, making Virginia realise where he aimed for.

‘He’s going for her leg!’, Virginia thought.

This would not help. When they crossed, the thief’s knife was at the height of Virginia’s gut.

Virginia looked at him in terror.

The thief looked at Virginia in panic.

The fabrics of Romina’s dress could be heard twisting in the air, as she turned around, only to see the back of Virginia’s head.

“No!” Romina cried.

In yet another display of quick reflexes, the thief let go of the stiletto, just before it could do any damage.

Romina only heard the blade fall as she shoved Virginia aside.

She punched him on the left cheek, leaving the outline of her rings imprinted on his skin, red and slowly swelling.

The thief’s boots staggered backwards.

He fell face up in the middle of the gallery corridor.

Faster than ever, Romina’s sword moved and settled its tip at the base of the thief’s neck, sort of mirroring how he had threatened Virginia.

Virginia brazed herself against the wall. Her breathing heaved like the bellows trying to get the fire back up. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw young Signor Morandi emerging from the path that connected to one of the third-floor staircases.

“Please, do not hurt him, I beg you”, he said while catching his breath.

Romina looked upwards to stare at him.

“What is the meaning of this?! Do you know this man? Did you send him?!”

Sometimes, Romina could outmatch Virginia when it came to reaching conclusions. This just so happened to be the worst possible moment.

“I--”

Only Virginia saw how the eyes of the thief went wide at hearing young Signor Morandi’s voice, his frown when Romina accused him.

“Look at me!” the thief shouted.

“Trying to protect your master, villain?”

“That is not quite… this is a complete misunderstanding, if we talked--” young Signor Morandi began to say.

“Shut up!” both Romina and the thief replied in unison.

“Stop talking nonsense, your highness”.

“Oh, so it is nonsense! He seems to know you, how do you explain that?”

Virginia squinted at them, getting the sense that she was missing something more than ever.

“Janus, please, let me tell them the--”

“We now have a name for our thief!” she announced triumphantly. “So you do know each other! Let me tell you, Jolliest Caesar, he has betrayed you. Whatever you paid him seemed to be less than enough, so he stole your father’s coin bag”.

Young Signor Morandi’s eyes went straight to said item, lighting up in recognition and some other emotion much harder to identify.

“Is this the outcome you desired? I thought you were silly, I was... persuaded to believe you were kind. But, this? Do you owe your father so much disrespect?”

He grimaced in response, looking away. Meanwhile, Janus pursed his lips in a thin line.

‘Why does it matter to him?’, Virginia wondered.

“Signor Morandi is an upright man, someone who carries himself proud and virtuous. I will not insult him by denouncing you to my family, but I hope you learn to have--”

“Oh, poor and noble Signor Morandi! Rid of a coin bag, whatever will he do?!” Janus shouted.

The gazes of all people present turned to him.

“It’s not as if he could buy another. Are we to pity him?! He is so good! You defend what you think to be the property of a man who would gladly pull any pair of lovers apart. Gift his son to a stack of classist swine in exchange for a title! What an estimate of his worth!”

One could almost marvel at him having the nerve to spit his anger even under the point of a blade. Romina frowned, taken aback.

“But he’s so upright! Admit it, you couldn’t care any less about this ridiculous coin bag, you just want to use it as an excuse to keep your affair with your servant hidden. Am I the one you wish to kill or does it make you feel less powerless to pretend you’re stabbing another man? None of us gets a choice”.

Young Signor Morandi held his breath.

Virginia let hers out. That was it! Of course! How could she not have realized earlier?

“Spilling my blood won’t change that! I may not be good, but I can at least see through the lies, and you aren’t good either. You’re as selfish as I am and you won’t get to keep her, we never do”.

“What?” Romina answered.

She looked at Virginia, then at young Signor Morandi, then back at him.

“Are you seriously doing this? I could make these your last words! What is wrong with you! This is madness. I am about to die” she began to mock him, “let me make this moment into a speech about society and another man’s stolen money. Who does that? I know I am dramatic, but, at the very least--!”

“Princess, shut up!” Virginia shouted.

“Excuse me, I was only trying to give some fair critic--”

“Not the time. Also, you are completely missing the point!

“What do you mean?”

“Do you know how we always talk after dinner?”

“That is not what we do after…”

“Yes”.

“So what is your point? Oooooh!”

“Now you get it…” she closed her eyes.

“They also talk…” Romina smiled.

“Hmm”.

“And he is actually…!” she pointed back and forth between the two with her sword. “They are…!”

“We are, and if you would” Janus flattened himself against the floor.

“Your ladyship, please, my Janus has had enough of sharp objects for…” young Signor Morandi looked at him.

“For forever, put the sword away”.

Romina did as requested and promptly offered a hand to help Janus get on his feet.

“You are one menace of a woman”.

“Thank you”.

“What is going on?!”

A large set of rushed footsteps accompanied the question. The four turned around to see his lordship, Count Regio, his wife, Signor Morandi and a myriad of servants.

“Oh, father, mother!” Romina exclaimed. “Signor Morandi”, she greeted more formally.

“Romina, what is the meaning of this?” said Count Regio.

“Your lordship, your ladyship”, Janus spoke after a bow. “I was sent by Marquess Sanders”.

Romina turned to look at him. His attire was mostly back in place, a part of her couldn’t help but be impressed. After spotting the family crest on Janus’ dusack, the counts’ expression changed from confusion to shame.

“Romina, did you duel this man? Apologise this instant!” Count Regio looked livid as he spoke. “We already had to be rid of her fencing teacher, do not worry, Signor Morandi, we will also dispose of her swords”, Countess Regio reassured.

In the scandal, Virginia was the only one to notice the coin bag forgotten on the floor. She stepped to the side, knowing no one would pay attention to her, as per usual, especially with such chaos. The coin bag disappeared under Virginia’s skirts, dragged by her foot. Young Signor Morandi walked past her and nodded in a silent gesture of gratitude. Perhaps one person did notice.

“Your ladyship, that will not be necessary, I come as a new fencing teacher, an early engagement present of Marquess Sanders”.

“But how did he know…” Virginia muttered.

Janus did hear her and went on:

“He was very impressed by the letters sent by your daughter. Marquess Sanders believes that someone with such impeccable diplomacy, and a disposition to secure the future relationship of her family, should not be deprived of outstandingness. To preserve such remarkable, dare I say, rare, qualities on a lady, he sent me. Marquess Sanders hopes my instruction can further her skills and aid her to grow more accomplished than ever before”.

“Oh, that is fantastic to hear!” Count Regio said, looking a lot more uncomfortable than her tone would suggest. “But, Lady Romina, as you already are aware of, is engaged now. We ought to hear young Signor Morandi’s opinion on the matter”.

-------------------------

All eyes turned to Patton.

“Actually…”

For a moment, he doubted himself.

Lying, as he had always been told, was sinful. But so was ignoring the struggle of the weak, breaking your word and not honouring one’s spouse.

Most importantly, Patton had to honour his heart.

If lying was the price to pay… well, so be it.

“I asked her for a demonstration. I have always harboured a burning admiration for her dexterity with the sword. Her ladyship is truly heroic and radiant when duelling”.

Romina turned to look at him.

It would seem he had managed to become friends with her after all.

-------------------------

The moonlight shone in its quiet dance with the nightly air. This was, once again, a clear summer evening, but it marked the end of an insane day. The sounds of dining and chatting had died out. Everyone, gradually, left for their rooms. Janus, crossing the gardens, intended to do the same.

Climbing with a wounded arm made his ascend harder than usual. Luckily, the ostentatious facade of the palazzo gave him countless points to anchor himself to. Slowly but surely, he got to Patton’s open window.

As what felt like always, Patton held him by the lapels of his cape and pulled him inside.

Rather than saying hello, Patton kissed him. It was gentle, devoid of the despair that had marked all their meetings during the last weeks. Patton pulled apart just as softly.

“Here”.

Janus stared at the coin bag in his hand and smirked.

“Dear, if you keep on offering me your money you’ll turn into the worst noble ever, and I, the worst thief”, he said with no real smugness.

Patton laughed.

“Virginia retrieved it when nobody looked”.

“I’ll remember to thank her”.

“Please, be nice this time”.

“You saw that?”

“Yes. Janus, pointing at someone with… that thing… don’t do it again”.

Janus shrugged and leaned in to kiss him again. A pair of hands pulled on his cape, that fell on the floor, forgotten.

“I don’t think” Janus half-laughed, “I could get away with it again”.

His bandages were fresh. The bleeding had stopped, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Patton stared at it and furrowed his eyebrows.

“I could have lost you today”.

“You saved me again”.

“Well, that isn’t entirely true”.

“Oh, why would that be?”

“You managed to stand your ground until I could save you”.

“Call it good timing”.

Patton smiled.

“What’s so funny?” Janus smiled as well.

“I’m happy. We… we are going to be together after this. I even gained two friends”.

“You keep meeting the strangest people, dear”.

“I’ll have to make sure that you kids don’t get hurt”.

“We’ll try to be in our best behaviour”.

Patton got closer and whispered:

“Liar”.

Janus swallowed and stared at him, suddenly feeling defeated, yet happy about it. He loosened his belt, letting it fall to the floor with his dusack.

It made an awful lot of noise. Patton looked down, almost in disbelief at Janus’ newfound capacity to make a sound.

“Hmm. Where did you really get that sword? Romina could get in serious trouble if…”

“Don’t worry, Thomas won’t mind covering for me”.

“Thomas? You know the marquess?”

“Let us sit on the bed, I think that you deserve to know this secret”.

Both of them got comfortable on the ridiculous wall of pillows placed against the headboard of the canopy bed.

“I used to work for the Sanders family. Ever since I was a boy, I tended to the horses, which is how Thomas and I became friends in the first place. As we grew, he decided to make me his personal servant, and, aside from learning to lie as easy as speaking, I also learned I hate rich people. Thomas is okay though. I think you and Thomas are the only rich people I tolerate”.

“Well, that’s rich”.

“Patton! I’m telling you my tragic story!” he said, not at all bothered. “Anyhow, I decided that wasn’t for me, so I told Thomas. He was sad, but he respected it. Before I left, he gave me his own sword, I guess as a safe-conduct of sorts, maybe to remind me I could always come back”.

“That is… a lot”.

“I know. He’s a good friend. Believe it or not, I’ve never used it until today. I… couldn’t let you get caught in any of my… shall we say, activities, so I figured…”

Patton grabbed him, mindful of his wounds, and pulled him close.

“You need to let other people in, Janus. I know I’m kind of silly, but I can still help. I wish you could see that when you let people know you they want to be on your side. You are someone worth knowing”.

“And you are more of a bastard than people give you credit for”.

His laughter made them shake a little. Janus stared at Patton’s joyful expression feeling satisfied.

“I guess I am”.

“Pity you don’t want to do anything wicked with it”.

“I’ll leave that to you, just, tell me beforehand”.

“How else would I be saved last minute, dear?”

They stared at each other for a while. It hadn’t fully hit Janus until now that this, this thing right now, would be his life from now on. Thinking that, perhaps the world wasn’t as cruel as he had always made it to be.

“You are so good”.

Patton kissed him again.

“Only when nobody’s looking”.

“Jan, name’s Patton, not nobody”.

“You think you’re so funny”.

“Am I not, when I make you smile like this?”

-------------------------

Taglist: @joylessnightsky , (the following interacted with my tagging request post, so I assumed you wanted to be tagged, if not, please tell me) @jerasings , @daemoade , @grandhairdofarmgoop .

#moceit #prinxiety #ts janus #ts patton #ts virgil #ts roman #fem!roman #fem!virgil #moceit au #renaissance au #renaissance!Patton #renaissance!Janus #sanders sides fanfiction #moceit fanfiction #doomstypewriter #doomywrites #dooms requests

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nullbutexe · 3 years

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SHADOWHUNTERS - Created by Ed Decter - Based on The Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare

Content Warning - Mentions of abuse, suicide, self harm, internalised homophobia and drugs.

The Netflix show Shadowhunters has a lot of important topics to talk about. These include sexuality, grief, addiction, religion and mental illness.

Firstly, the Warlock, Magnus. Magnus Bane is an openly bisexual male who doesn't conform to gender roles. He is not ashamed to talk about his past relationships with both men and women, which is something that is not really seen within the LGBT community. People often hide their sexuality or gender identity due to fear of being treated differently, but Magnus is so open about his sexuality. He is not ashamed of who he is and is proud of his identity, something everyone should aspire to be, regardless of their gender identity or sexuality.

Magnus embraces his femininity, unlike a lot of cisgender men. He wears makeup (specifically eyeliner, which he describes as his tiger stripes) and paints his nails, something which is a stereotypically feminine trait (although that is slowly changing). As well as this, a lot of his clothing could be described as 'feminine'. This shows other LGBTQ+ people that they are able to embrace their femininity regardless of their gender identity; Things should not be gendered. Experimenting with your gender expression should not be looked down on. Everyone should be able to be free to express themselves however they want without fear of judgement. Magnus’ character is the embodiment of this. He is never judged for how he expresses himself.

Magnus is also shown to struggle with the loss of magic and therefore turns to alcohol, which is a very negative coping mechanism. He ends up having a breakdown in front of his (at the time) boyfriend as a result of drinking too much and not being able to cope with his magic being taken away. Magnus has friends who help him through his loss, especially Alec, who reminds him he is no less of a person without his magic and that he still loves him regardless. People often turn to alcohol or drugs as they believe it will distract them from their issues, which is why this portrayal is very true to the real world. Magnus feels a loss of identity through losing his magic, which is to be expected since he has has magic for over four hundred years. He feels powerless and useless without this huge part of him, however he is lucky to have a huge support system to help him through his dark times.

As well as the trauma from losing his magic twice, Magnus also suffers from PTSD due to events of his past. When body swapped with Valentine, the Clave use the agony rune on Magnus as a form of torture to get him to tell them where the Mortal Cup is. The rune only ends up bringing up past trauma which he has spent centuries trying to bury. After returning to his body, Magnus talks to Alec about what he did and explains that he never wanted Alec to see this ugly side of him. Showing Magnus so vulnerable and talking about his trauma shows people that opening up can help them move on from events of the past. Alec is extremely comforting towards Magnus and expresses how he thinks there is nothing ugly about him. This seems to be a huge relief for Magnus.

Next, Shadowhunter Alec. Alec Lightwood is one of the few gay characters who hasn't been portrayed in a stereotypical way. He is the leader of the New York Institute and is incredibly masculine, which is very different to how gay men are usually portrayed in the media. Having a (now openly) gay man be someone that high up in status is important as it shows other gay or LGBTQ+ people that they can do everything that a non LGBTQ+ person can do and more. By being open about the fact he is gay to the rest of the Institute, it gives other LGBTQ+ Shadowhunters the confidence to be able to talk about their sexuality or gender, as shown by Underhill who tells Alec how inspirational he is. As well as other characters now being confident in opening up about their sexuality, a lot of fans would have also found inspiration in Alec's bravery to come out the way he did. Alec also dealt with a lot of internalised homophobia due to his status and his family, which is something a lot of people can relate to as people are often ashamed of their sexuality due to judgemental family or how society can portray the LGBTQ+ community. Alec managed to get rid of the internalised homophobia with the help of his family and friends, and his now husband. This shows to fans that there are people who support them greatly and will never judge them. Having supportive people around you can help immensely and can save someone's life.

In season 2 episode 4, Alec is possessed by a demon who uses his body to kill Jocelyn, Clary’s mother. He feels incredibly guilty about this and blames himself, despite the others telling him not to. We don’t see much more about Alec’s guilt until season 2 episode 8, in which Alec’s worst fears are brought out due to Iris’ attack on Magnus’ apartment. When talking to Clary on the balcony, he hears her blame him for her mother’s death, when in reality she is trying to talk him down from the balcony. He tries to jump, but luckily Magnus catches him before he manages to. After the attack has been resolved, Magnus talks about how magic cannot create fears, but bring them out, showing just how much Jocelyn’s death effected Alec. As well as Alec almost falling from the balcony, we see him repeatedly shoot arrows which results in his fingers bleeding. This seems like a type of self harm for him, as he doesn’t use the healing rune to fix up the wounds. Magnus points this out as well as the fact that Alec is clearly hurting due to what the demon did. He explains that Alec hopes the pain in his fingers will overpower the pain he is feeling from the guilt, but that it is not that easy. Magnus does all he can to try and comfort Alec.

In the finale of season 3B, we see Alec as Inquisitor and Magnus as High Warlock of Alicante. Previously, there would never have been a High Warlock for any of the Shadowhunter cities, as Downworlders and Shadowhunters were generally separated. By being open about their relationship and Alec being so high in power, they managed to change how the Shadowhunters treat other Downworlders. They ultimately end up working with each other instead of against. Magnus and Alec changed the world with their relationship. They ended the blatant racism between Downworlders and Shadowhunters and they are finally treated as equal.

When planning his and Magnus’ wedding, he states he would like to have it at the Institute. He explains that this is because the Clave would have to celebrate a relationship between a Shadowhunter and a Downworlder under their own roof. Having the wedding in the Institute shows how much Alec is willing to do to abolish the clear racism and hatred of Downworlders within the Clave. This, along with several other acts during the one year time skip (I imagine), had a huge effect on the perception on Downworlders and both Shadowhunters and Downworlders end up working together.

Raphael Santiago is (while nothing is explicitly said about his sexuality) an asexual vampire. He explains to Izzy that he's not interested in sex, implying he is asexual, which was then comfirmed by the book writer, Cassandra Clare. Vampires are often portrayed as sexual beings in the media, and the fact that Raphael is asexual is completely different from the norm. There isn't a lot of asexual representation in the media and is often completely forgotten about, so seeing a character be open about his asexuality to one of his friends gives representation to an often ignored sexuality. Having this kind of representation is important as it lets other asexual people know they aren't alone and also validates their feelings.

Raphael also manages to keep his faith throughout his life time despite everything he has been through. When he becomes mundane again, he talks about how he went to morning mass for the first time in 80 years. In the season finale of 3B, he states to Simon and Isabelle that he joined the seminary and is on his way to becoming a priest. Despite the hell he has been through, he still managed to keep his faith and intends to devote his life to it. To other religious people who might watch the show, it tells them that they should never give up on their faith, regardless of what they go through. Despite not being a religious person myself, I can fully understand how that may be comforting.

We see Raphael’s sister struggle with dementia as it ultimately worsens and she easily forgets who Raphael is. Despite her not knowing who he is, he visits her often and spends as much time as possible with her. In season 3 episode 3, Raphael gets a phone call from the nursing home explaining that she has passed away. This very clearly affects him a lot, and he immediately turns to Izzy for comfort. He is upset that he cannot attend her funeral due to it being during the day, so Izzy promises that she will go in his place. When he becomes mundane again, he goes to Rosa’s grave and plants flowers for her, something he hadn’t been able to do previously. I think this would have been a huge weight off of his chest.

In season 3 episode 5, the head of security, Underhill, talks to Alec about how he is an inspiration for being in a same sex relationship with a downworlder. He explains that if it wasn’t for Alec he would have never had the courage to come out to the Institute. He had to keep his private life separate from his job at the institute until Alec had the courage to show his true feelings for Magnus. This just proves how much of an inspiration Alec is to the rest of the Institute.

As well as Underhill, Shadowhunters Helen (who is half Seelie) and Aline also end up having the courage to be together. In the finale, we see them kiss at Alec and Magnus’ wedding after talking about what they could wear for their own wedding. Their relationship is a similar one to Alec and Magnus, as it is a same sex relationship and one of them is part Downworlder. If it wasn’t for Magnus and Alec being open about their relationship, I doubt they would have been able to be public with their own.

Luke Garroway’s partner, Ollie Wilson, is also in a same sex relationship. While she and her girlfriend, Sam, are a minor part of the show, it gives us another same sex relationship but with mundanes instead of the Shadow World. The two share everything with each other and seem to be in a very committed and loving relationship.

The show also deals with drug addiction, as seen in Isabelle Lightwood. Victor Aldertree gives Izzy Yin Fen, a drug made from vampire venom, as a pain relief for her demon wound. Yin Fen is immediately addicting and Aldertree gives her a jar of it to use when she needs it. Once she finds out what it is from the Iron Sisters, she tried to stay clean, but ends up suffering from really bad withdrawals. In response to this, she tries to find some vampires who are willing to feed from her to get her fix of venom. Raphael agrees to do this, which only gets him addicted to her blood. They both agree that it would be best for them both to stop. Izzy then uses candy as a way to control her withdrawals. Through this and the support of her brother, she manages to stay clean.

Abuse is also heavily dealt with. Johnathan, Clary’s brother, was sent to Edom at a young age and suffered torture from Lilith. She burned him constantly, and when he returned to Earth, he continued to burn himself as a sort of reminder. As well as physically abusing Johnathan, Lilith also mentally abused him, telling him that no one would come for him. This clearly affected him for the rest of his life and he continues to struggle with the trauma of the abuse. When connected by the twinning rune, the behaviour of burning himself was also transferred to Clary. They slowly become more connected and behaviours are shared.

Every topic discussed within the show was dealt with in a very mature and understanding way. With such heavy topics being included, there is always the potential for there to be bad writing as people often struggle to understand certain concepts, but they were all very well written and dealt with maturely. All of these things combined have made Shadowhunters one of the most representative shows to ever exist. These are the reasons why it has become one of my favourite shows and why I will never let it go, even though it’s officially over. It didn’t deserve to end at all, but I’m just glad we got to have this amazing show exist in the first place.

Thank you to the cast and crew, who have done an amazing job portraying some of the best characters and storylines. Thank you for making me and a lot of others feel like they aren’t alone in the world.

#shadowhunters #magnus bane #alec lightwood #raphael santiago #isabelle lightwood #andrew underhill #johnathan morgenstern

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hangingslothcentral · 4 years

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sirius black was done dirty and i’m mad about it

So you might have seen my big post about how dumbledore is a scumbag for his treatment of Harry, but like, Sirius was done so dirty by this motherfucker I cannot even. It makes me genuinely furious.

Think about it for a minute; Sirius is this wildcard kid. He’s raised in an abusive household, which he eventually flees, and ends up living with the Potters. His parents, in addition to being abusive, are also wizardnazi sympathisers, and Sirius’ younger brother, Reggie, grows up to actually BE a wizardnazi (he ends up being a crucial thorn in Voldy’s side and turns coats later, but he has to have actually joined in earnest).

Sirius is not a quiet, broken little thing in a straightforward sense. He’s a particular flavour of damaged which results in him being loud and brash. He simultaneously loves and loathes himself; he prances around like a show pony and kisses anything that breathes but ultimately beleives himself to be unlovable. He acts fast and rash because he doesn’t have a strong handle on his emotions. He doesn’t understand what healthy love and affection looks like, and often he’s mean to people because keeping them at arms length is less scary than letting them in. When he does allow people to get close, he is fierce, frightening and irrationally protective of them. Stand between Sirius and his friends and he will rip you limb from limb. Because he doesn’t really value himself or his own life, he’s way more likely to throw himself into dangerous situations, either because it allows him to feel fear in a way he can control, or because he genuinely doesn’t care if he lives or dies but DOES care if his people get hurt. Probably most of the time it’s a combination of the two. This is why his dog animagus form is so appropriate for him, imo; he’s not loyal and obedient like a labrador, he’s protective, he’s pack-driven, and he will protect his pack At All Costs.

Dumbledore has watched this kid roll in from the Black family and get sorted into Gryffindor. Dumbledore is a smart guy; he knows this will complicate Sirius’ relationships with his family. No biggy, really. Dumbledore has other shit going on; Voldybaldy is gaining power with frightening speed and ability. Every day the war gets closer and closer to Dumbledore and the school he has chosen as his stomping ground. Sirius getting ostracised is probably a good thing from a distance; the likelihood of him becoming a Death Eater is slimmer.

As he progresses through school Sirius is getting to be more and more of a nuissance. He, James, and Peter are in and out of detention all the time. He notices Sirius is becoming preoccupied with Remus Lupin; this could be a good thing in two respects. Remus is even less likely to end up outside of society if he has social ties, and you hoped him to make friends at school for this reason when you fought for his place. Sirius and James might even shake Remus out of his shell a little bit, maybe direct him towards being able to control himself when in wolf form, the way Fenrir Greyback can. Only this wolf would be on your side (maybe I should also write a ‘How Dumbledoodoo fucked over my boy Remus’ too). Dumbledore likely also hopes, as Remus assumes, that Remus will be a guiding light to his new friends and perhaps curb some of their less desirable habits. But the shenanigans continue, only more on the DL, more efficiently. Remus and Sirius become closer than Dumbledore had anticipated because he has a ton of internalised homophobia and assumes straight until proven queer and it won’t have occured to him that people he did not previously think of as particularly important have so complex a set of inner lives as to be creatures that fall for each other.

The extent to which Sirius will do anything, a n y t h i n g, to strike back at those who have hurt the people he loves becomes clear in his fifth year when he sends Snape into the tunnel under the whomping willow after Remus. Can you imagine how furious Remus would be with him for using him that way? Can you imagine how hurt he would be that Sirius did not even consider how he would feel if he killed someone? None of this would have occured to Sirius. He wanted to see Snape torn to shreds. Wanted him hurt, dead. Wanted him to suffer. How dare Snape insult his Moony? Did Snape think it was cool and fun for this to happen to him every month? Did he think it was a fun little puzzle to solve? Remus is not a puzzle and he is suffering, but he’s not meek and vulnerable, and he can stand up for himself. The obvious answer to this problem, to Sirius, is let Snape solve the riddle and then let Remus rip his head off. Easy, straightforward.

Thank god James went to Dumbledore and explained what was going on because had Remus actually killed or even hurt Snape in his wolf form, he may never have forgiven Sirus for facilitating it. As soon as this is pointed out to Sirius, it is plain to everyone there that he intensely wishes he could take his actions back but there is nothing he could do. And that moment where the egg cracks, where he realises he almost fucked up in a way that would mean one of the people he cares about most in the universe would never speak to him again, that would have happened when Dumbledore called him, James, Snape and Peter to his office after Snape’s life had been saved. Dumbledore would have watched these emotions blossom on Sirius’ face (maybe even sneaking a peak at his thoughts whilst he was at it). He would have known the intensity of Sirius’ feelings, his regret, and the reasoning as to why this unfolded. Dumbledore is not a stupid man. This is why he allows them all to return to school life as normal immediately afterwards with no more serious repurcussions than a slap on the wrist.

So at this point Dumbledore knows - does not suspect, k n o w s - that Sirius is reckless, loyal to a fault, and would go to any lengths imaginable to defend his friends, and their honour he probably also knows now Sirius is madly in love with Remus but that’s neither here not there even if it is important to note.

Time goes on, they finish school and become members of the Order. It’s not confirmed in the books but it’s fairly safe to assume from context that to be a member of the Order you have to have Dumbledore’s trust, in some capacity. In practice, that means Dumbledore reckons he’s got something on you and when it comes down to it, he’s the one holding the cards so you’d have to side with him for your own benefit. He’s earned James, Peter has never been a particular problem, Sirius owes Dumbledore his honour, and Remus would have had literally no opportunities in life were it not for Dumbledore. Thus, a loyal set of additions to his little wizardnazi fighting team.

The prophecy happens, James and Lily’s son is implicated, you know this part of the story. And they are killed by Voldy and Harry is packed off to the Dursleys to become an obscurial and the rest is history. But Sirius. S I R I U S. Sirius ends up in Azkaban for murdering Peter and a bunch of muggles. Yeah, surface level, to an outside observer, maybe this would make sense. Sirius was always a troublemaker, he came from a pureblood, traditionally Slytherin family with ties to voldemort. It would make sense it was him that betrayed Lily and James and also that he would kill Peter for challenging him. IF you only had a very scant awareness of Sirius Black, which we have already established, Dumbledore does not. He knows quite a lot about Sirius, actually. Has a firm grip on what he’s like.

See, Dumbledore never offers to be James and Lily’s secret keeper. It wouldn’t matter that he was an obvious choice, even if that was the reason he gave them. Voldemort is scared of Dumbledore. He would not have dared attack him, and besides, that is just not how the Fidelius Charm operates. Let it be one of the friends, and Dumbledore assumes James and Lily would choose Sirius because it’s Sirius, and he probably would have nudged them in that direction. Why? Because Sirius is rash and loyal to a T. If anyone is going to get killed, weaken the Fidelius charm by having a bunch of people as secret keepers instead of just one because he dies, it’s Sirius. Oh he’d go down in a blaze of righteous glory. But Sirius, by now, has learnt this about himself. He knows. So he tells James and Lily to choose Peter instead.

Dumbledore may not have explicitly known this, but he would have known that Sirius would have died before he betrayed his friends. He was probably actually counting on it. Knowing he was at the wreckage at the Potter’s home in Godric’s Hollow would have, should have been enough for Dumbledore to add up these pieces of information and infer that it was not Sirius who was secret keeper. The Fidelius Charm did not break; Peter gave the secret up. And when Sirius went to confront Peter, if Dumbledore had not yet worked this out, he should have guessed at this point what had happened, because of how Sirius was, what he’d have felt about Peter betraying Lily and James.

Anyway, none of the guessing really matters because had Dumbledore even visited Sirius just once, before his trial or after, he’d have heard the full story and put the pieces together. But he didn’t. He didn’t bother because Sirius wasn’t directly important to his plans. Because Sirius was supposed to die and weaken the charm anyway so Dumbledore could have his baby martyr. It didn’t go exactly as Dumbledore had thought, but it worked out mostly to his devices, so why bother asking Sirius for the details? Who cares if he is wrongfully imprisoned? He was always a pain in the neck anyway.

I could go on but this is actually really long now hahahahahaaaaaaaa. yes so consider this pt. 2 of why dumbledore is the worst.

#hp theory #sirius black #harry potter #dumbledore #sirius #dumbledore is the worst #harry potter theory #harry potter imagine #wolfstar #my poor baby boy

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fangirlinglikeabus · 4 years

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blue sky (doctor who)

summary: something’s been worrying victoria. the doctor wants to talk about it. jamie is very bad at pretending he has a reason to leave them alone together. (gen, general audiences; warning for internalised homophobia but it’s hopefully not too heavy and it works itself out in the end)

you’ll just have to take my word for this that this is also on other sites because last time i posted with links it didn’t show up in the tags. i’ll reblog with them later

It was a beautiful day; hot but not too hot, with a clear blue sky framing the tops of the buildings. No threat of rain whatsoever, which had pleased the Doctor when he'd first peered, cautiously, out of the TARDIS, umbrella at the ready. 'England' and 'August' were two words that placed together didn't inspire him with much confidence as to the state of the weather, but today had thankfully proved him wrong. So far, the dry spell had held.

They'd parked the TARDIS a few streets away and wandered through the town, the three of them together - Jamie, Victoria, and the Doctor - until they'd arrived at the café. The Doctor had suggested they stop for some food - lunch, he'd said, although it was probably only about eleven o'clock, local time. Something was on his mind, some reason he had for wanting to sit there rather than continue walking, only it wasn't clear what it was. That concerned Victoria, but she tried to console herself; if it was really serious the Doctor would surely have told them already. Anyway, there were no monsters around that she could see, no aliens climbing out of the cracks in the pavement to attack them, to make this beautiful day miserable and fraught with danger, so for once maybe it wasn't anything to do with that, and they were safe.

Victoria tore her eyes away from the sights of the street - the girl about her age that she'd made eye contact with suddenly and alarmingly - to look at the Doctor. He was playing a game of patience, the cards placed haphazardly on the table in front of him. Every so often he looked up and cleared his throat loudly at Jamie, who kept leaning too far forwards, casting a shadow over the game. Each time Jamie would say 'eh?', realise what he was doing, and sit back in his seat with an embarrassed cough and a look which seemed to say, 'I'm only doing this because I want to, not because you told me to'.

It had a comforting familiarity to it, as did much of what the two of them got up to, like the friendly arguments about the Doctor's ability to fly the TARDIS, or the attempts to explain some technological development to Jamie which usually ended up with him saying 'oh, aye', his code for 'I still don't understand this, but I don't care enough to try'. The Doctor apparently hadn't managed to decipher it yet, since he still made the effort each time, and Victoria hadn't the heart to tell him.

Then again, maybe he knew, and it was just a game the two of them played, another steady part of their friendship. They'd known each other much longer than either of them had known Victoria, had rhythms and rules to their relationship, some of which she might not know about even now, and as a result of it seemed inseparable. She could barely imagine Jamie without the Doctor, or the Doctor without Jamie; they'd probably travel together for the rest of their lives, if they could.

Which just left her. Victoria.

It was easy to think she'd stay with them, with that funny little man and his Jacobite friend, in the light of the sun. They had taken her in when she was lost, and shown her kindness, and she loved them for that. But the trouble was that they weren't always in the light of the sun. They were in the London Underground, fleeing yeti - or in a future Britain in the grips of an ice age, escaping towering Martians.

Occasionally the Doctor would look up and meet her eyes, and she would glance away. There was something contemplative about his expression today, something in the way he regarded her that worried Victoria. Worried her because he seemed worried, on her behalf, and she hated the idea of concerning him unduly. Of course, it was nice to have someone care about you in that way, and she was grateful that it was the Doctor who cared for her, but it did make her feel self-conscious, especially because in this case there was really nothing to worry about. She'd talk to him about it if there was something, except for the ongoing problem of what she would do in the future, which for now she wouldn't bring up with him, because anyway she hadn't really decided what she intended to do with it or what her own feelings were yet. As he finished the card game (cheating, she was sure, backtracking on his own moves when he decided he didn't like them or when he realised he'd reached a dead end, but she didn't point it out) Victoria wracked her brains on what could possibly be bothering him about her. Her mind came up blank. Unless -

No, he couldn't possibly have noticed that. She'd hidden it from him very carefully. And if he had he would have brought it up already. Victoria was struck with a terrible vision of the Doctor looking horribly severe, all appearances of the fool or the father wiped from his face, ordering her out of the TARDIS.

She hadn't initiated it! That had been the girl - the girl they'd met a few stops ago, Liss. She'd been the one to take action, leaning in to kiss Victoria, who had fled before anything else could happen, hoping that no evidence of it appeared on her face. Maybe it had. Maybe it was a bit like that story the Doctor had referenced offhand once, about the man whose sins appeared on his face, in a portrait.

In the meantime, as her thoughts wandered down that path, the Doctor had begun to look panicked, patting down his pockets with increasing desperation.

"Oh my word!" he exclaimed finally. "I forgot to bring any money with me!" Casting around, his eyes fell on Jamie. He took on a placating tone. "Jamie, would you mind terribly if I asked you to go back to the TARDIS and fetch me something to pay the bill with?" He delivered the line very naturally, and Victoria wouldn't have suspected anything at all if Jamie hadn't then looked very deliberately between the two of them, said stiltedly, as though he was reading from a script,

"Oh, aye, I can do that,"

and moved off with the gait of someone who fully intended to take as long as humanly possible in carrying out the task he'd been set.

"Victoria," the Doctor began - almost as soon as Jamie was out of earshot, in case there was any doubt that it had been a deliberate plan between the two of them. She braced herself for the conversation to come. But then he stopped, apparently unsure of where to go from there. Victoria waited, her heart hammering away in her chest.

"Is there something on your mind?" the Doctor eventually settled on.

Victoria ran briefly through all the things that were on her mind. If she wanted to stay with Jamie and the Doctor; where she would go if she didn’t want to stay with Jamie and the Doctor; whether or not they'd be suddenly thrust into mortal peril in this nice English town; the kiss that she didn't want to think about and everything wrapped up in that; consequently, her father, who she had an uneasy feeling would have been disappointed in her, although she had no specific evidence for that because of course it would never have been something they'd have talked about together, not in a million years, not in 1866 or any date that followed in what should have been the ordinary course of her life.

"No, there's nothing," Victoria said. Nothing she could tell him, she meant. Although the Doctor was very old, and very strange, and seemed to know a lot of things that other people didn't, she couldn't imagine ever sitting down with him and explaining that a girl had kissed her, and because a girl had kissed her she was now unable to stop thinking about anything apart from whether she'd liked it, and whether she wanted to do it again, and whether she'd been like that all along or if it was some sort of disease, some sort of situation where once you'd fallen, you stayed fallen, like Adam and Eve taking a bite of the apple in the garden of Eden and being cast out forever.

She looked away from him. She didn't like to tell lies to the Doctor. In an ideal world she could have told him everything; they could always talk like they had near the very beginning, in the cybermen's tomb. But they couldn't, not with this.

Casting about for something to distract her attention, some excuse not to look at the Doctor, Victoria's eye fell on two girls walking on the other side of the street. They were making slow progress, ambling along as though they had nowhere better to be in the world and were taking joy from that. They were holding hands, swinging each other's arms back and forth while they walked.

As Victoria watched, one of them said something and the other laughed, leaning forwards for a kiss.

"Victoria?"

"Hm?" Her head jerked back towards the Doctor, as suddenly as if she'd been caught doing something criminal, not just letting her eye wander.

The Doctor didn't immediately pose the question he'd been meaning to put to her, but instead gazed after Victoria, at the two girls.

"A charming couple, aren't they?" he said, sounding pleased.

"Couple?"

"Oh yes, that sort of thing is quite normal by this period," the Doctor replied, cheerfully and entirely without artifice, as though he had no idea whatsoever how this was affecting her. "Not without some struggle, I might add, but your country sees the light in the end."

Victoria felt, suddenly, like she was about to cry. Which was silly - she hadn't even cried when her father had died, except a few times in her room, when the only people who might notice were the Doctor and Jamie if they happened to be in the vicinity, and definitely not in such a public place as this, where anyone might walk past and see her. And it was over such a small thing as well. She'd faced down monsters before, big scary hulking things, so why -

"Oh, Victoria," the Doctor said gently, fumbling in his pocket and pulling out, in turn, a pack of top trumps, tickets for Casablanca, a bag of sweets, and at last a clean white handkerchief, which he handed over to her.

That was the last straw - that small gesture, the ridiculousness of the contents of the Doctor's pockets, which now lay strewn across the table. Victoria began to sob. She buried her face in the handkerchief, hoping that no-one would hear, hoping that she would run out of tears and then she could stop feeling so miserable.

At last she recovered enough to speak. "I'm sorry," she said wretchedly. "I've ruined the nice day out you wanted for us all." But when she looked up at the Doctor he didn't seem annoyed. He smiled and reached across to pat her hand.

"That's quite alright, Victoria," he said. "It's more important to me to know that you're happy than anything else."

This threatened to make her well up again, but she composed herself. "You said - it was normal now."

"Hm?"

Victoria forced herself to go on. "Those two girls, I mean."

"Oh, yes." The Doctor was about to launch into an explanation of the history that had led up to the time period they were visiting, but he caught the expression on Victoria's face and thought better of it. "It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know."

She looked down at his hands; at the table; at the top trumps, a battered old set with a picture of a t-rex emblazoned on the first card and the whole thing clumsily kept together by a rubber band, which almost made her smile, it was such a Doctor-ish thing for him to carry around. "I know."

"Good." The Doctor paused, although whether to gather his own thoughts or wait for her to say something was unclear.

"There was a girl -" Victoria began, but fell silent.

The Doctor smiled encouragingly. "Go on."

"Never mind." She couldn't talk about it just yet. The Doctor had said it was fine, and she trusted him, but she was still walking on untested ground, unable to quite shake the sensation that she'd done something horrible.

The Doctor, after waiting for a few moments, said, "Naturally it will take some time for you to get used to."

"Yes," Victoria said. Her voice shook more than she wanted it to, and it came out much too quietly. She wished she could sound stronger - but then, she reminded herself, this wasn't some terrifying creature that she had to stand up to, but the Doctor, who was looking at her as a compassionate father might look at a daughter.

That brought with it another pang, and Victoria came very close to crying again.

The Doctor smiled at her, and pulled his chair closer. "Listen to me, Victoria. It will get easier. I know it might not seem like it now, but I promise you it will. Falling in love with another woman, and acting on that feeling, is no more inherently good or bad than if we were talking about the same situation with a man. It has just the same potential to bring you great happiness, if you'll let it. Do you understand me?"

Victoria nodded. She didn't yet trust herself to speak.

The Doctor smiled and patted her hand again. "Brave girl. Ah, and here's Jamie back with the money."

Victoria turned around. Sure enough, there he was, approaching the table cautiously.

"Is everything alright?" he asked once he was close enough, glancing uncertainly between the two of them.

"Oh, yes," the Doctor said, beaming, "I think everything's quite alright now, isn't it, Victoria?"

"Yes," she said, and even managed a smile of her own up at Jamie. She was surprised to realise that it was true, at least temporarily. For a moment even the worst of her worries seemed perfectly manageable in the face of the beautiful summer day. Everything was absolutely calm and normal. But then -

"Oh, Jamie, you picked up the wrong purse!"

"Well you didn't tell me what I was looking for! You just said fetch something you could pay the bill with, an' that had money in it, so -"

"But Jamie, these aren't even from the right planet!"

"An' just how was I supposed to know that? Next time you get it, an' don't go bothering me if you're going to complain -"

Well, she supposed that was normal too. Victoria started to laugh - laugh uncontrollably at the two of them, being so ridiculous over something that barely mattered. They stopped arguing with each other, shocked into indignation by her laughter.

"Now, really, Victoria, I do think that's quite unfair -" the Doctor began.

It was a beautiful day; hot but not too hot, with a clear blue sky framing the tops of the buildings.

Maybe things would work themselves out after all.

#classic who #doctor who #victoria waterfield #second doctor #two #jamie mccrimmon #writing fanfiction like a bus

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mollymauk-teafleak · 4 years

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Help Wanted (final chapter)

Thank you so much to everyone whose enjoyed this fic! Writing it has been a real joy and a relief right now, especial thanks to @minky-for-short and @spiky-lesbian my lovely beta readers!

Please consider leaving a comment on Ao3 if you’ve enjoyed this fic!

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |

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Fjord and Caduceus get the happy ending they deserve

WARNING: This chapter deals with physical domestic violence, it doesn't happen on page but the results are seen. Also, conversations around internalised homophobia

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“Are you really going to let him leave without saying goodbye?”

It was all Yasha had said to her that evening, since she’d come storming in after her disastrous ‘conversation’ with Fjord. Not at first, of course, both of her girlfriends knew better tha to approach her when she was in a mood like that, giving her space to burn her anger away. Jester, of course, had immediately crept onto the sofa as soon as the coast was clear, wrapping her soft arms around her and not asking for an explanation, just holding.

Yasha didn’t speak her love through touch as much as Jester, instead there was a cup of warm tea in front of her all of a sudden and the strong, sure presence behind her he knew so well, a hand on her shoulder.

And those words, in her quiet, level voice.

Jester looked like she wanted to say more, that expression on her face like she was just full of words and was about to burst, until Yasha laid a gentle hand on top of her head and suggested that maybe she could go and help her make dinner. The tiefling bit her lip and flared her nostrils but eventually nodded and hopped over the back of the sofa, Yasha turning after her and leaving Beau with those words.

“Are you really going to let him leave without saying goodbye?”

Not admonishing or judging, there was none of that in her tone, as steady and sure as the sight of home from a long distance. It was just another moment where Beau felt her girlfriends knew her better than she knew herself, like they saw what was under the anger at the surface, the anger that many would assume was all there was to her. So many that sometimes Beau would believe it.

Because of course she wasn’t going to let her best friend go for gods knew how long without a goodbye. She couldn’t have their last interaction be them screaming at each other on a street corner, throwing words like weapons. No matter how she felt about his choices, he was still her friend. They’d been through far too much to leave it like that.

It had just taken her up until now to realise it.

Sighing, Beau unfolded herself and stood up, heading for the door, “I’m going to go to Fjord’s.”

Relief flooded Jester’s expression and Yasha gave a small nod, “We’ll have dinner ready for when you come back.”

Beau gave them both a rueful smile, taking a moment to admire the simple domesticity of them with Jester chopping carrots and Yasha stirring a pot on the stove. She couldn’t believe this was her life now, after so much time believing she was undeserving of anything half as lovely. A square window of warm yellow light on a dark street, always there for her.

And she would repay them by continuing to get better.

Beau shouldered on her jacket and slipped her feet into her comfy walking trainers, already planning out what she was going to say, how she was going to rescue the clusterfuck that had been their last interaction. At least it wasn’t the first time they’d had to do this, they were practically experts at navigating their way back to friendship after both letting their anger do the speaking for them.

She was a second from putting her hand on the door when someone knocked on it.

Frowning, Beau opened the door and sucked in a sharp breath.

Fjord stood on their doormat, panting heavily like he’d run there. A gym bag sat at his feet, haphazardly stuffed and hastily zipped. He was shivering in just a t-shirt and jeans, the cold night air turning his joints a harsh, dark green, arms wrapped around himself protectively and his eyes red and raw.

And an angry swelling around one streaming eye.

“I…” his voice was raspy, like he was struggling to get the words out, “Um, I broke up with Avantika. Can I sleep on your couch tonight?”

Fury flooded Beau within an instant, her jaw clenching hard and her hands turning into white knuckled fists. Adrenaline snapped hard in her chest, making her voice a low growl, “I’m going to kill her. I’m going to fucking kill her.”

Fjord closed his eyes, shrinking down, looking so completely defeated, like a man with water up to his jawline and rising, “Beau...please, I...I just need a friend right now. Please?”

Beau found it hard to control her emotions, as a rule, particularly negative ones. They seemed to take root in her, in her muscles and chest and nerves, and take over until it was so hard to care about anything else.

But the one thing Beau did care about more than anything was the people she loved.

So she inhaled deeply, feeling it fill her up, as the monks had taught her. And as she exhaled, her jaw unclenched, her fingers spread and palms opened.

“Of course,” she reached out and put her hand on Fjord’s arm, gently bringing him inside, “Jester can have a look at that eye and we’ll make a bed up for you. Stay as long as you like, man, seriously.”

Fjord’s lower lip trembled and he bit down on it, hard, just nodding.

“Hey,” Beau murmured quietly, dropping her voice before folding him into the attentions of her family, the wide eyes and gasps and immediate action, the realities of his healing, “You’re safe here. Okay?”

Fjord gave a shuddery gasp and in it Beau could hear every time he’d let something slip as a teenager about the realities of the Asylum, every disastrous break up with women he couldn’t force himself to love, every impossible rule he’d been given to live by, every nightmare and flinch away from a raised voice, every scar he’d been given by so many people. She heard a lifetime of hurt start to shift like an earthquake starting to stir.

“Okay,” Fjord breathed, tears starting to fall.

Caduceus stayed in bed far past his alarm, lying on his side and listening to it’s dull buzz in the predawn gloom. He’d been awake long before it sounded but now it had, he couldn’t bring himself to move.

All he could do was replay the kiss over and over in his mind, the last moments he would ever spend with Fjord. He frantically searched for something, anything he could have done to change the outcome, changing his words and actions over in his mind like puzzle pieces he couldn’t make fit. Was there any way he could have kept Fjord close to him, taken the fear out of his eyes, any way he could have turned him around in the darkness?

He knew it would do no good but he couldn’t stop his mind chewing it over, punishing himself for every choice and everything he could have done differently.

It was as if the clocks had turned back on him and he was the firbolg he’d been two years and change ago. The one with weights on his wrists and ankles keeping him pinned to his too small bed, lost and depressed and scared to go out into the loud, foreign city he didn’t know, endlessly punishing himself for leaving too soon, for leaving too late, for leaving full stop. Falling before he’d even taken his first step, building walls around himself when he’d worked so hard to be free.

He couldn’t bear that again. So Caduceus did what he had done two years ago and touched the earring that looped through his right ear. He’d always played with his ears as a child, running his fingers over their soft edges to calm himself whenever he was anxious. Apparently he’d done it as a baby too, when he’d been born with the largest set of ears any of his family had ever seen on a newborn, so the story went. So when he’d been thinking where to set his mark of the Wildmother, the choice had seemed obvious.

He ran his thumb over the carved, polished oak, following the whorl of the wood and took a deep breath.

“Please give me strength,” he murmured, “I’m going to need you to get through today. And...wherever he is, please protect him. Please make sure he’s okay.”

And then he got up, far from ready to face the space in the cafe beside him that would always feel empty, but at least able to try.

He tried to focus on simple things, once the door to the cafe had closed behind him, letting out it’s usual cheery ring.

Take off your coat. Hang it up. Take out your apron. Put it on, double knotted at the front. Take the first chair down. Then the next. Then the next.

Simple instructions for an exhausted brain and an aching heart. And it worked, for a time. It stopped him thinking about how Fjord would be coming up the street right now, how the bell would seem extra bright when he pushed it back. How he would call out a friendly hello and probably use some slang term Caduceus wouldn’t understand but he would put together from context. How he’d be wearing shorts, even in the cold and Cad would tease him for it and Fjord would jokingly call him his grandmother in return. How he’d help him take the chairs down, going twice as fast as he did, asking when Cad would be putting the croissants in the oven because it just so happened he’d missed breakfast that morning, just a coincidence. How he’d call him Caddy and be the only person who ever had.

Maybe it wasn’t working as well as he’d thought.

Fortunately, the ringing of the bell above the door gave him something else to think about.

“I’m sorry, we’re not quite open yet,” Cad straightened up, “But if you’d like to take a seat, I can get the kettle on…”

“I think I’d like that,” Fjord answered, his voice small and hopeful, “If you had the time.”

Caduceus froze, eyes widening, wondering if he was still back in his bed, listening to the alarm and had finally drifted to sleep. But he never would have imagined Fjord like this, looking so tired and hollowed out, with a fading, sickly yellow shadow over one eye and a fresh scab on his lip.

The marks were all he could see, hand lifting to touch them, heal them without question but he forced himself to stop, “Who…”

Shame darkened Fjord’s expression and he hunched his shoulders, “Um...Avantika…”

Cad’s jaw dropped and he felt a pit of disbelief open up inside him, quickly filled by an anger he’d only felt rarely but when he did, it was like a forest bursting into flames, “What?”

Fjord winced, “Don’t worry, I’m done with her. I mean it, for good. She’s leaving anyway and...and I just want to let it go, okay?”

Cad quelled his anger, tucking it away to examine later, “So...she’s going and you’re…”

Fjord smiled then, even as it clearly tugged painfully on his lip, “I’m staying.”

Cad blinked, shaking his head slowly, wanting to believe it so desperately but terrified of being hurt again, pulled in two directions at once, “You’re staying? For good?”

Fjord nodded, “With Beau and Jester and Yasha until I can sort something more permanent than their couch. I mean, I still need to get stuff from...from her place and...I-I’ve never really put down roots anywhere so…”

He even sounded different. His accent had shifted slightly, like a layer of it had been pulled away. A lot of him seemed to have been pulled away, actually, pared back and stripped down and he was trying to figure out what was left.

“I’d like to work here again, if you’d have me,” Fjord asked shyly, “I mean, I’d completely understand if you weren’t comfortable with that. After...after everything.”

Yes, Cad wanted to answer wholeheartedly but he made himself stop.

“After what, Fjord?” he said instead, “I think we need to talk about it. It doesn’t have to be right now but we need to.”

Fjord shook his head, “No. I mean, thank you but no. You’re right, we need to talk about it and we need to talk about it now. I’ve waited far too long already.”

Cad nodded and gestured to the table he stood by. None of the tables or chairs in the cafe matched, as he’d sourced them from half a hundred different thrift stores and flea markets and scrap yards. This one was black wrought iron with a mosaiced top, flowers done in squares of leaded glass. It was a table made for partners, for third or fourth dates, only big enough for two people to sit close with not an inch of spare space.

Fjord sat across from him willingly. He’d looked like he’d slept in the clothes he was wearing and judging by the room, they were probably Yasha’s. Cad wondered if the ladies even knew he was here, as early as it was.

“I, um…” Fjord cleared his throat, “I want to apologise for the kiss last night. Not that I did it, just the way I reacted. Well...maybe how I did it too. That wasn’t how I’d want our first kiss to go. What I mean is, I want to kiss you, Caduceus. I...I like you. In that way.”

Cad felt something come to life in his chest, a fluttering that settled in his throat as his heart began to pound, “I like you in that way too, Fjord. I have for a while.”

Fjord’s golden eyes widened, “Really? I...I hoped, I thought I saw it sometimes but I didn’t know if I was seeing what I wanted to see.”

“Neither did I,” Cad smiled kindly.

That made him smile again, that shy hesitant smile. He took a deep breath, fixing his gaze on the table top while he marshalled his thoughts, like he was having to rearrange everything with this new information.

“Um...it might seem stupid but knowing I...I can feel this way, I’ve kind of only known it since yesterday. Well, not really, it’s always kind of been there but up until now I tried to hide it, even from myself. It just wasn’t something I could be, it wasn’t allowed in the world I lived in until I met you,” Fjord swallowed hard, “In the orphanage, I would have been beaten up for it. In high school I would have been even more rejected than I already was, on Vandran’s ship, I...I would have lost the only man who I could call a father. But I didn’t realise how much it was hurting me, how...how it was like an infection? The more I tried to hide this part of me, the sicker I got, the more twisted, the more sad.”

Cad only nodded and gazed at him, trying to be a constant, sure presence.

“But...I’m done feeling sick,” Fjord took a shaky breath, “I’m done hiding it. I’m...I’m gay,” his voice broke almost immediatley and his face crumbled, tears flooding into his eyes, “Gods, I’m sorry…”

Cad leaned forward, voice soft, “Oh, Fjord, it’s okay. I promise it’s okay...can I touch you?”

Fjord nodded wordlessly as his shoulders shook, gripping back just as tight when Cad wound their fingers together and held fast.

“It’s okay,” Cad stroked his thumb across his knuckles, feeling the scars and callus there, “Fjord, it’s okay to feel grief, it’s okay to feel lost and confused and happy, all of these things come with realisations like this. But I need you to understand you’ve just done a wonderful, brave, beautiful thing and I am so very proud of you.”

Fjord didn’t fight his tears, they fell on their joined hands as he gasped out, “But...I don’t know when I’ll feel comfortable kissing you, I don’t know when I’ll be able to say ‘I love you’, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have sex with you...Cad, I can’t ask you to take all this on.”

“Yes, you can,” Caduceus said, firmly, “You can, Fjord, because you are worthy of love. You are worthy of patience and care and kindness. You can always ask. And I am saying yes.”

Fjord gave a sodden, shaky gasp and collapsed fully into his tears, pitching forward, stumbling until Caduceus caught him. He caught him and he held on tight, as strong as any anchor had ever held a ship, folding him into his arms and letting him sob into his chest. With the scent of fresh breeze and dew heavy flowers around them, Caduceus held the man he loved and who loved him back and let him cry. As he would through so many hard days and difficult times.

Eventually, Fjord’s tears ran out. In Cad’s arms he felt so small, like he’d shrunk down without the weight of the poison he’d purged. He let him pull away for air, holding his face in his hands and stroking his damp cheeks so gently.

He wasn’t looking at the mask of a man who had believed all the lies he’d been given and swallowed the hate he’d been shown for long, long years. But nor was he looking at the man who’d made him laugh so much, who’d been occupying his cafe for the last months, the one who had reached out to the Wildmother and Caduceus with hope and desperation in his eyes.

Caduceus was looking at someone new, someone halfway between those two and someone entirely himself. He was looking at Fjord at the very start of a long and difficult journey. He was looking at the man he now realised the Wildmother had put him on this earth to love.

They kissed, a soft and gentle kiss, shy and sweet as honey. And this time, Fjord smiled from ear to ear.

It would be hard for both of them at times. They would both struggle and cry and need different things at different times. But it would always wash up better than when they started, they would grow together stronger.

And both of them knew the light would always be left on.

A year was a long damn time to keep a secret. Beau was pretty pleased with herself for managing it.

She would hide her knowing grins behind her coffee cup as they’d all sit together in the Blooming Grove and someone would bring up how strange it was that Caduceus hadn’t found someone for all the time he’d been in the city. She’d feel a burst of pride when one of them would comment on how much happier Fjord was looking, how his tusks were coming in, how therapy seemed to be doing him a world of good, if they really were just going to ignore the fact that his accent had totally changed. She’d snort down laughter whenever Caleb would cluelessly comment that Fjord and Caduceus had been in the back room an awful long time for guys who were just supposed to be getting sugar and why did that take two people in the first place anyway?

Because she’d spent nearly her whole life looking out for her best friend, ever since they were in high school. There was no way she was going to miss how Fjord would put his hand in places it had no rightful reason to be during work hours, when he thought the counter was hiding them better than it was and Cad happened to be passing by. She wasn’t going to miss how, whenever busy days or stormy weather would have Fjord paled and shaking, Caduceus would be the person he’d turn to. She wasn’t going to miss the extra long lunch breaks in the back room or how late Fjord would come home some nights, after cleaning up apparently took hours longer than expected.

But she said nothing, shrugging innocently whenever asked, all while watching through the corner of her eye as Fjord stole a kiss to the back of Cad’s hand behind the coffee machine.

There were no secrets with family after all.

#critical role #cr fic #teahaw #fjorclay #fjord #caduceus clay #beau #beau/jester/yasha #internalised homophobia #domestic violence #modern au #coffee shop au

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moonshinelouis-archive · 4 years

Text

fine line analyses

these are thoughts; my thoughts. if you don’t agree please be reasonable and just ignore.

tumblr fucking ate this post so here i am. rewriting it all.

tw: i talk about alcohol, drugs, grief, and death

the album in general uses the extended metaphor of yellow. the colour is mentioned in nearly every song and i’ll explain why or why not later. the yellow is hope, happiness, and all things nice but as all archetypes it has a ‘dark’ side; it means cowardice and/or deceit. it also seems to follow the hero’s journey which is interesting.

side a: love/light vs dark. exposition.

golden begins the album already in sunshine; in happily vibes imo. gold is the ultimate illuminated colour, so to use it is... the next level, especially as the album opener. “take me back to the light / i knew you were way too bright for me” are ideas that come back in lights up. i love the juxtaposition in this song: “hold [the golden (light)], focus, hoping,” and then a couple lines later, “i’m hopeless, broken”; showing that at the same time, he’s hopeful and hopeless. i love that he alludes, in the entire song, that his person is the sun but he never says it outright: “you wait for me in the sky / [your light] browns my skin just right / you’re so golden,” which come back in sunflower. “i know that you’re scared / because hearts get broken / because i’m so open” immediately made me thing of strong. both he and his lover overwhelm each other at times: “you were way too bright for me,” “you’re scared / because i’m so open”; but ultimately this is a song about devotion: “i don’t wanna be alone / loving you’s the antidote.”

watermelon sugar doesn’t have anything outright yellow; however, the entire lyrics are rooted in imagery surrounding summer which inherently involves a sunny, especially when he calls out that it’s “warm,” that there are “berries,” that it’s “the end of June,” so my point stands. this song has already been analysed, i think, so i’m not gonna go too into it; in a nutshell, it’s the sweetest of loves. “tastes like strawberries on a summer evening” calls to we made it’s “remember how it tasted / looking into your eyes,” and the absolutely feral warm image of tasting moments makes me crazy...the tenderness..oh god.. “it sounds just like a song” comes back in many other tracks; in sunflower, “plant new seeds in the melody” -- try to find new beginnings in the music -- and also “want you more than a melody.” harry says this one was “the hardest one to finish” which could suggest ongoing events.

adore you has yellow in “honey” and “lemon” and hidden in “summer skies” and “brown skin.” thematically, this song is the same as watermelon sugar; devotion. “walk in your rainbow paradise” -- a rainbow is renewal, promise; a gateway, the calm after the storm. to be with his lover is to walk in paradise, away from all evil. though their lack of communication plagues them, it can sometimes be how they find their peace: “you don’t have to say you love me / nothing / [that] you’re mine.” “i’d walk through fire for you” reminded me of happily and through the dark.

lights up, too, has already been discussed at length; “what do you mean? / i’m sorry by the way / i’m never coming back down / can’t you see / i could but it wouldn't stay?” will speak volumes to anyone who’s been closeted, even if nothing extreme. “i’m never coming around / it’d be so sweet / if things just stayed the same” would be the melancholy and fear of watching those you love slip away because of something you can’t change; and, even if it doesn’t, there will always be the little things that change, like how you’re perceived. “all the lights couldn’t put out the dark / running through my heart” is one of my favourite lines; it speaks of the things within himself he’d rather hide, and yet, all the pride he’s told to have does nothing to erase his bitterness towards the feeling -- internalised homophobia/transphobia. however -- “step into the light / so bright sometimes / i’m not ever coming back” -- as overwhelming, as scary, as engulfing as it all may be... it’s much better to be in the light than in the dark; back to golden. the yellow in this song is in the ‘light.’

side b: complete abstinence of yellow. abyss.

cherry presents vibrant red rather than yellow, perhaps to illustrate the glossy jealousy he expresses in this song, and possibly to say he is angry despite sounding defeated. thematically similar to woman. i don’t think this song is dismissible because its aspects all come back: “gallery” is again in sunflower; “don’t call me baby” returns in to be so lonely. “there’s a piece of you in how i dress” reminded me of “painted nails make harry beautiful” :’) also, “your accent” is pretty loud. if anything is to be said about the ending, is that it’s in the “language of love.”

falling is very clearly the death in the hero’s journey; the lowest point from which he could only rebirth. again there are communication issues: “forget what i said / it’s not what i meant”; “we’ve run out of things we can say.” and then there’s rediscovery: “what am i now?” he asks, after having asked the listeners if they know who they are; and his despair seems tied to insecurities -- “what if i’m someone i don’t want around? / what if i’m someone you won’t talk about? / what if you’re someone i just want around?” (notice the flip of pronouns in the last two; switching the blame. harry and louis seem to do that a lot; the blame is passed from one to another in songs. he blames himself in this one, though: “there’s no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands.”) the biggest insecurity lies in the line: “i get the feeling that you’ll never need me again,” in which harry just wants.. to be needed; to be loved and to be in love. overall he’s asking for redemption, whatever of.

to be so lonely is still sad, but obviously a rise; a rebirth. “don’t blame me for falling / i was just a little boy / don’t blame the drunk caller / i wasn’t ready for it all / you can’t blame me, darling / not even a little bit / i was away / and i’m just an arrogant son of a bitch who can’t admit when he’s sorry” -- the opening verse is just all excuses, all flimsy at best; pushing the blame around. “i was just a little boy” had me screaming; “don’t blame the drunk caller” is distancing himself as far away as possible even though....that’s him, drunk-calling; he said so in falling: “there’s no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands.” the last one is not even trying; he just straight up says he’s arrogant.. lol. again he’s rooting onto insecurites: “i just hope you see me / in a little better light” asks his lover not to only see him as the stupid little boy who became a needy and arrogant drunk caller; and again he pleads for mercy with rather nonsensical logic: “do you think it’s easy? / being of the jealous kind?” overall, these three songs together could be interpreted as a breakup, though the romantic songs in the album would support better that there have been really rough patches in their relationship; specifically times in which they were caught in untimely scheduling inconveniences amid fights. but see it how you will.

she is a projection. harry tries out the ‘normal guy’ archetype, giving his character a nine-to-five office job and the predictable (supposedly married) life with kids; he likely did this to try out a different perspective of his feelings and/or to appeal to his audience, who is mostly not made up of millionaires. right away, he’s pretending, with the most basic of things: “[he] sends his assistant for coffee in the afternoon / around 13:32 / like he knows what to do.” as for the whole chorus and “a woman who’s just in his head / and she sleeps in his bed / while he plays pretend” is, to me, the woman inside him who aches to be seen; she represent his struggles with binary genders, both of which are oppressing. “he takes a boat out / imagines just sailing away / and not telling his mates / he wouldn't know what to say” is literally eroda?? and shows communication issues. again.

side c: ascending

sunflower makes the yellow comeback.. loud and in your face. the sunflower is commonly associated with the sun tarot card, which often depicts them with children, who are mentioned... the card stands for clarity and success. this song is thematically like watermelon sugar and adore you, but it just has that stoner vibe you know ? “kids in the kitchen listen to dancehall” triggered “even as young as you are.” again, there are communication issues; “i’ve been trying hard not to talk to you” “let me inside, i wanna get to know you / wish i could get to know you” “i was just tongue-tied / i’m still tongue-tied.” “i’ve got your face / hung up high in the gallery” again shows adoration; with cherry’s “does he take you walking through his parents’ gallery?” it could be interpreted as, are his parents showing you off like i do? a big note about it: “hung up high in the gallery / out of this shade” in the light! this is major.

canyon moon shows yellow in “the world’s happy waiting / doors yellow, broken, blue” -- happy, first of all. the doors are portals that they’ve taken, will take, or could take; some are happy, some deceitful, some sad. i find it very interesting that in she “the man drops his kid off at school” and in this one jenny tells her husband to “go get the kids from school.” “two weeks and i’ll be home” loud loud loud. paris and rome are both romantic cities. “[she -- jenny?] pretends not to know the words” again shows some pretending, perhaps to show that we all pretend about things in life, even mundane activites... just a fun song about being away and missing each other like right now.

treat people with kindness is the only song outside of side b that does not have yellow. i think that is because, though this is a happy song, it’s jus a cover up -- he’s burying his grief in the music and drugs/drinks. “and it’s just another day / and if our friends all pass away / it’s okay.” “feeling good in my skin / i just keep on dancing” shows the other effect of numbing all the insecurities and fears he normally carries.

side d: settling. the first sign fine line is a track to be paid attention to is that it’s the titular the track. the second push is giving it its own side on the record.

fine line is another side of she, for which i liked this eloquent explanation. it’s a drastic shift in mood from tpwk to fine line; harry truly shows how vulnerable he is. he’s divided -- “you sunshine, you temptress”; god, when i read/heard that i cried. so beautiful, so appeasing, but it looks like such a distant dream. unachievable. furthermore i think making this song about a relationship, or anyone other than harry and harry’s inner demons is belittling it; belittling his internal struggles to reach the so desired fine line...

#*#mel.txt #lyric analysis #hs2

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madokasoratsugu · 7 years

Note

SouTaku and Ikumi x Megumi for the ship meme?

aaaaAAA YES. btw ikumi/megumi (god bless u for sending this ship 2 me btw) is under the cut else this would have gotten Long lmao

send me a ship and ill break them down

Soutaku:

How did they they meet?

one arrogant speech and extended shoe grinding later

Who developed romantic feelings first?

OH BOY definitely Takumi !! he starts to realise that this rivalry is getting a lot more serious, and hey, he wants to be by this guy’s side not just because he’s a fun challenge, he has this way with words and smiles a little too wide that makes you breath catch and is stupidly good looking and - oh.

Who is their biggest “shipper?”

Isami.....he saw through his brother Straight Away, but unlike popular belief doesn’t tease him about it from the get go. he let Takumi sort through his feelings (and internalised homophobia) but gently lets Takumi know that he’s there for him and honestly, he just wants his brother to be happy :”))) even if he has to pull a few strings himself to help his brother hohoho

When did they have their first kiss and under what circumstances?

after they confess to each other, there’s relieved laughter and bumping foreheads and shaking hands, and Takumi, still riding the adrenaline high, leans in and kisses Souma on the corner of his mouth, smile sloppy and honest against Souma’s skin. Souma immediately goes in for a better aimed kiss after Takumi moves away, and there’s no fireworks or popped champagne; but there’s soft sighs and melting fear and that’s enough.

Who confessed their feelings first?

THEY YELLED IT AT EACH OTHER DURING END OF SECOND YEAR LMAO. a fiery argument about avoidance and excuses leads to them screaming confessions and awkward silences and just ?? kk we like each other hahah- wait wHAT TH

orr an alternate confession scene i like equally is Takumi confesses to Souma during graduation but Souma doesn’t reciprocate(or he thinks he doesn’t) and rejects Takumi and all Takumi can do is smile and say “yeah, i know.”but then months later of unwarranted irritation, Souma sees Takumi tagged in a photo on Instagram and everything hits him at once and he realises he’s made a big miss steak

What was their first official date?

i wish i could say they planned it but god damn, Souma is shit at following plans and Takumi wants/expects too much so they compromise and decide to improvise on the day itself.

so they end up with the same idea: food tour !!!! they spend the entire morning/afternoon exploring the city and all the lil alleyway stores hidden away plus visiting well known restaurant. in the late afternoon till evening they wind up resting on a park bench talking while sharing too sweet soda and too salty fries. they hold hands the entire time and share shy kisses in the shade whenever they can (it sort of becomes a game about who can sneak the most kisses during the date)

How do they feel about double dates/group dates?

sorta eh. they’re not super into the idea but not against it either? dk imo they’d prefer having personal dates but they’re open to having double dates.

What do they do in their down time?

(when they’re not cooking)

Souma watches trash tv while Takumi reads, curled up against Souma. occasionally they’ll make comments about the other’s media of choice. (”you think that book is good? wait till you get to chapter 5″ “are you watching another rerun of csi miami??”)

together though, they enjoy going out together for walks and checking out newly opened shops (any and all types welcomed).

What was the first meeting of parents as an official couple like?

Jouichirou was so. so chill. a surprised blink, then shrugged and absolutely burst into a grin. “i see, i see. so what about my son attracted you, Takumi?” there’s no intimidation or anything bc he already knows Takumi is a competent, dependable and stout hearted person and chef from Central Arc, and is a better person than he ever hoped Souma could find (and spend the rest of his life with).

Toshiaki and Aurora were a lot more surprised (mainly bc Takumi was so closed off about love), though Aurora kinda...expected it. a mother’s sixth sense is hardly ever wrong, and the fluster her elder son gets into when the redhead is mentioned over the phone gives away waaay more than Takumi ever realises. Toshiaki has a quiet talk with Souma (which he testifies to be a lot more scary than his encounter with Aurora earlier in the kitchen) about Takumi, their relationship and future plans. but the couple are quick to accept Souma, it’s hard not to trust and love someone their own son loves so dearly, after all.

What was their first fight over and how did they get past it?

(barring the confession scene fight)

Souma’s wanderlust can’t be contained, and Takumi knows this. but they get engaged young (probs 21ish) and Souma is away more often and gets in contact less than Takumi likes, and it makes him uneasy and worried and he deals with this by overworking.

after too much lack of sleep nearly has Takumi collapsing in the kitchen and one sternly cold phone call by Isami later, Souma rushes back to Italy and confronts Takumi. Takumi has an outburst of more sadness and frustration (towards himself for not being able to articulate his feelings, not being able to handle anything well and not being able to trust Souma fully; “i was the one who said it was okay for you to go, how can i be so selfish as to ask you to come back as and when i want?”) than anger and Souma is fuckin heartbroken.

they end up talking a lot about the importance of communication and letting feelings out and being better fiances to each other that night.

(its not rly a fight bc i cant imagine them fighting over anything more serious than “i told you to tell me when we ran out of milk, this is the third time this month you haven’t, yukihira souma !!!” or getting angry at each other over something actually relevant like their safety or smth lolol)

Which one is more easily made jealous?

oooh this surprises a lot of people but Souma. Souma is so easily made jealous, and the best part is no one can tell? Takumi gets jealous too, but not as easily or as irritated as Souma.

Souma gets all sorts of jealous, like he’ll purposely hold the hand that that weird salesman grabbed for a little too long, snake his arm around Takumi’s waist a little too tightly when he catches someone just looking in Takumi’s direction. his attitude also does a complete 180 when he’s jealous; he’s a lot more curt and annoyed. Takumi finds this weirdly cute.

What is their favourite thing to get to eat?

this is so fuckin cliche but each other’s homecooking :”)))

Who’s the cuddly one? What their favourite cuddling position?

Takumi is the touchy feely one !! he really likes being in contact with Souma in one way or another. fav cuddling position is curled up against Souma’s side or back against Souma’s chest, in between his legs.

Are they hand holders?

YAH TOTALLY. chronic hand holders. try catching them together without holding hands. they especially like twining their fingers together.

How long do they wait before sleeping together for the first time? What’s the circumstances?

///vaguely nsfw

........personally i think they slept together nearing the end of third year? after their finals, during an in between break after finals+results and before their graduation.

Isami was away for a head start in his internship with Momo, and they were alone at Takumi’s apartment. it was raining pretty badly and getting chilly, so Souma suggests sharing blankets when they’re going to bed entirely just to tease Takumi, but Takumi actually crawls under covers with him and Souma’s ?? didn’t expect that but not complaining.

they’re just quietly sitting against the wall, acutely aware of how close they are when Takumi turns to Souma and starts trying to say something but doesn’t, and Souma just kisses him, once, gently. (“just felt like it.” “oh.”) then one kiss leads to another and welp.((don’t ask takumi why he has a bottle of lube in his bedside drawer, he’ll combust and maybe die.))

Who tops?

they switch, all the time. depends on mood and atmosphere !!

What’s the worst first they’ve ever gotten into?

the first time they ever tried to dirty talk in Italian. Souma started it and it was horrendous. Takumi couldn’t stop laughing for weeks any time he remembered it. he still can’t.

Who does the shopping and the cooking?

Takumi does more of the shopping (though they often do it together) and Souma cooks more !! they try to split the tasks (esp cooking) equally but there’re preferences and they lean towards it.

Which one is more organized and prone to tidiness?

......Takumi. he’s actually tidy on a normal person’s standard. Souma is tidy on his own standard, which is ‘as long as i know where everything is, why does it matter that my desk looks like world war z?’

Who proposes?

Souma !! he actually hooks Shinomiya into it - getting them an isolated table at SHINO’s Tokyo for a nice dinner, then going for a short walk to a romantic and private place around the area where he can propose (as recommended by Shinomiya). Souma settles for under a willow tree near the edge of a park, and Takumi cries a lot.

Do they have joined Bachelor/Bacheloette parties or separate?

they have one together !! actually its more of an afterparty with everyone they’ve invited to their wedding !!

Who is the best man/maid of honour? Any other groomsmen or bridesmaids?

Isami is Takumi’s best man ofc. Megumi is Souma’s maid of honour !!

Big Ceremony or Small?

a small ceremony !! not being outed to everyone in the entire world is preferable, esp when they both have insane reputations from graduating Tootsuki as second and third seats.

ive talked about their future wedding here before haha!!

Do they have a honeymoon? If so, where?

OHH DEF. idk tho like....probs somewhere ridiculously romantic like Paris. they’re a ridiculously sappy couple. they have fun sightseeing and tasting authentic French cuisine.

Do they have children? How many?

never really thought about it, but they def have dogs, if that counts? two, to be exact. both adopted, one golden retriever named lemonade and a dobermann named stoic. they are aptly named after their characteristics; lemonade is bubbly and fun, stoic is, well, stoic.

Ikumi/Megumi:

How did they they meet?

through Souma, ironically enough. its funny ending up with someone who used to crush on the same person you did :”)))

Who developed romantic feelings first?

Ikumi !!! after she got over Souma (pretty quickly too, near the end of her first year and realising she could do a lot better and Souma wasn’t anywhere interested in her anyway), and started figuring a lot of things about herself, she started paying a lot more attention to Megumi (it helps that they had tons of classes together in second year), because something about Megumi just...attracts people and makes them watch out for her, yknow?

her friendship with Megumi deepens quite a bit, and they even start having lunch together + instinctively looking at each other during partner/group work. she kinda...guesses that she might like Megumi but its after one really vivid dream of Megumi and her on a date later, that Ikumi actually confronts her feelings lol.

Who is their biggest “shipper?”

Souma !! he’s really goshdarned happy that Ikumi finally found someone she liked properly (he was aware of her crush, but never said anything bc he figures whatever form of love it is, it really isnt his place to say anything till Ikumi does) and that Megumi, sweet darling Megumi, has someone to properly cherish and love her.

When did they have their first kiss and under what circumstances?

around Summer of second year, during a festival, under the fireworks. they were sitting next to each other on a grassy field, watching the fireworks flare to life noisily. with each illuminating bloom, throwing dully neon colours over the wondrous look on Megumi’s face, Ikumi finds her heart beating faster and harder.Megumi turns to comment about how pretty the fireworks are, Ikumi agrees, and kisses her softly. they break apart after a while, and there’s a little embarrassed fluster and ‘o-oh my gosh i dont know what got into me - !’ before Megumi shyly pipes up that it was nice, and she didn’t mind. they spend the rest of the fireworks show leaning against each other, their fingers curled together on their laps.

Who confessed their feelings first?

Megumi !! she was behaving oddly shy that day, and Ikumi was ?? what’s going on. during lunch, she offers Ikumi a charabento and Ikumi is really touched, and impressed. “you made this, tadokoro-chan?” “a-ah, y-yes, uhm - !” “wow, that’s amazing, you have to teach me how to make it sometime !!” “uhm - !! ikumi-san...” snapping of chopsticks, a blinding smile. “yes?” “i-i really like you.” the words come a near whisper, swept away with the wind. the sudden flush of Megumi’s face isn’t gone that easily, though.

Ikumi finds herself blushing madly too, and she blurts “really??” and Megumi looks at her for a moment, before hesitantly nodding. Megumi’s fists knead into her plaid skirt, averting Ikumi’s dumbfounded stare. “i - i don’t know how to explain it, but you make me really, really happy and floaty and it’s just...i wanted you to know that you mean something special to me.” Ikumi feels like a cat has gotten her tongue. “and i - i don’t need an answer n - now -” “but i like you too !!”and then it’s a blushing fest and a spying Souma from the second floor fist pumps the air.

What was their first official date?

AMUSEMENT PARK DATE. Ikumi’s never been to one and Megumi thinks that is Abominable and Must be remedied immediately.

it’s fizzy and fun and oh boy, do they go wild. all the roller coasters, carnival snacks and rides they can go on they do. they take So Many selfies, buy the cutest matching headbands, and laugh so much their cheeks get sore.

at the end ofc they go on the ferris wheel and enjoy a romantic 45min alone, quietly appreciating the spectacular view and their girlfriend’s beauty.

How do they feel about double dates/group dates?

they’re ok with it !!

What do they do in their down time?

(when not cooking lol)

Megumi really, really likes plants, but doesn’t have the confidence to have an entire veranda garden like Takumi bc of lack of experience (u should see Takumi’s veranda back in Italy) and general anxiety about it, so she keeps a few potted plants, cacti and bonsai instead !! she likes spending time trimming her bonsai or talking to them !

Ikumi dabbles in the crafts, like sewing and knitting, as a major fuck you to her dad (she can be a capable boss and feminine at the same time these things aren’t mutually exclusive). she made a few of her own outfits + Megumi’s !! in fact Megumi’s fac one piece dress was made my Ikumi :”))

What was the first meeting of parents as an official couple like?

Megumi’s parents were a lil surprised bc sweet lil Megumi has brought back a potential partner !! dear u will not believe this !! Ikumi made lots of effort to dress up and look proper, so they quickly warmed up to her earnest nature and really, really liked her. she left an incredibly good first impression with her personality and great conversational skills. the fishermen dudes were skeptical and protective of Megumi at first but Ikumi’s competence and care for Megumi quickly shone through and they readily accepted her. someone Megumi cares for that much has to be a good person, they reckon :”))

Ikumi’s mother really, really liked Megumi. she found Megumi’s soft spokenness and iron will really endearing, and was glad Ikumi had found someone who accepted her for all is she and even encouraged her to become a better version of herself. Ikumi’s dad was an asshole who refused to even see Megumi, because he doesn’t believe in marrying down your status. Megumi left a note with a medium rare steak (fav dish of Ikumi’s dad) she cooked, requesting that Ikumi’s mum serve this to him later on. Ikumi’s dad could sense the sincerity in Megumi’s dish, but doesn’t fully accept her till ~2-3years later.

What was their first fight over and how did they get past it?

after one particularly bad family weekend with Ikumi’s dad, Ikumi was upset that Megumi let him walk all over her like that. they fought a little, mainly Ikumi ranting about how Megumi is too soft, why shouldn’t she stand up for herself?! why should she have to stand for all this verbal abuse? (Megumi had withstood nearly the entire evening, till Ikumi’s dad sneered a comment that made Ikumi twitch uncomfortably. then she’d spoken up, softly. “please don’t speak about your own daughter this way, Mito-san. it’s highly unbecoming and irksome.” then had a staredown before Ikumi’s dad left the table w/out finishing the meal.)

Megumi manages to calm a near tears Ikumi down, and explains that its just a part of getting Ikumi’s dad to accept her, but nonetheless agrees to stick up for herself a little more.

Which one is more easily made jealous?

Ikumi !! :’3cc she has a habit of clicking her tongue when she gets jealous lol.

What is their favourite thing to get to eat?

Megumi’s fav is Ikumi’s homemade ice cream !! she doesn’t make it much but it’s so creamy and good.

Ikumi really enjoys all of Megumi’s soups/stews !! warm and filling and perfect for a rainy/Winter day in.

Who’s the cuddly one? What their favourite cuddling position?

both !!! they like facing each other, snuggled tight.

Are they hand holders?

kinda? they like holding hands for sure, but link arms a lot more.

How long do they wait before sleeping together for the first time? What’s the circumstances?

//vaguely nsfw

hmmm they’re about 20-21ish when Ikumi’s dad is kinda approving of Megumi alr and they’re in a peaceful time for their relationship !! Megumi is back at her ryokan helping out, and Ikumi visits her.

they share Megumi’s room for the night, which is pretty big, and there’s this Mood, and they get down to it !!

Who tops?

switch, depends on mood !! i actually headcanon neither have really high libidos, so they don’t sex much lolol

What’s the worst first they’ve ever gotten into?

the first time they tried to take a selfie. the wrong angle, combined with an unstable hand, nervous smiles and ‘idk why its not taking the photo waIT IT IS -’ made for a pretty hilarious experience.

Who does the shopping and the cooking?

they do it together !!! catch em in the kitchen wearing matching aprons and cookin up the finest cuisine u can dream of.

Which one is more organized and prone to tidiness?

both are, though Ikumi is more of a stickler for tidiness while Megumi can survive letting things pile up for a while.

Who proposes?

Megumi !! she pops the question immediately after Ikumi’s dad gives her the greenlight for their relationship !!

while driving them home that night she parks off the side of the road, a highway overlooking the ocean, takes out the engagement ring she’s had on her since forever, “i wanted this to be more romantic, but i just can’t wait anymore -” and she softly asks Ikumi to marry her and Ikumi sobs and nods and it’s perfect.

Do they have joined Bachelor/Bacheloette parties or separate?

together !!! they have a girl’s only slumber party with their close friends from Tootsuki lmao

Who is the best man/maid of honour? Any other groomsmen or bridesmaids?

Souma is Megumi’s best man !! Takumi is Ikumi’s best man :”))) (they got along really well in the second year too, and keep in touch quite often)

Big Ceremony or Small?

...somewhere in the middle !! Ikumi’s family is fairly influential so the wedding is large scale to a certain amount, but Megumi stated that she’d prefer a more private wedding so they settled for close family and friends with a few trusted business associates.

Do they have a honeymoon? If so, where?

yup !!! they go to Venice, Italy ! Megumi has always wanted to go there so they decided to make it their honeymoon destination ! they have a splendid week there, and end it off having a great dinner party at the Trattoria, on Isami and Takumi’s invitation.

Do they have children? How many?

hmmm probably? i headcanon they adopt a 10yo girl and her 14yo brother, and they make a cute family !!

#shokugeki no soma #food wars #soutaku #ikumegu #yukihira souma #takumi aldini #ikumi mito #tadokoro megumi #shokugeki headcanons #inquiries #polar-stars

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