#international balance of 2018

[imaginaryf1shots]

Red Line | CL - LH

WC: 5K

Charles Leclerc x reader, Lewis Hamilton x reader

Summery;(REQUESTED) You have had feelings for Charles for years, your best friend. When he fails to return your feelings and a new Ferrari driver joins the team, he shows you attention and care. It is less complicated.

Warning: angst?

AN: i debated who she should end up with, but he's my number 1 driver, and I'm WEAK for him.

Masterlist

You have been working at Scuderia Ferrari since 2018, you started as an intern under the engineering team, you quickly became a permanent engineer for Charles in 2019 and have continued to develop and grow as the time went on. Maybe it's because you joined the same year Charles did, or it's because you were one of his first engineers when he started working for the red team, but the two of you have grown so close to each other. You consider Charles to be one of the closest people to you, during work hours and out of work hours. You see each other a lot even in the off-season. Charles values your opinion and cares a lot about it, he also considers you one of his close friends. Whenever you’re in the paddock you're always close by, he can depend on you. He prides himself in knowing you, he knows your coffee order, your favourite food, your dreams and hopes, he knows it all.

The moment Charles joined the team, you just clicked, your connection instant and so effortless. You both don't have to overthink it... at the start at least.

On long days, feeling the effect of the jetlag, when you'd almost drop from how tired you are, Charles always brings you coffee for a boost. On days where you're both in Maranello, he'd always offers you a ride back to the small house you have in Italy, he always insists that it's on his way but both of you know that it wasn't. He's always been patient and calm, and that made him a good listener. On plane rides when only the two of you are awake he'd just happily sit down and listen to you vent, his patience seemingly endless.

Even the fans picked up on the bond between the two of you, some speculating you're a couple. Thankfully it wasn't a big thing or it would have affected your job, but every now and then you both get those kinds of comments. And maybe you just had the smallest hopes that you were an actual couple, those feelings you have slowly ate at you every day. You were in love with Charles, the intensity of your feelings scared you. You can never tell him what you're feeling with the fear of ruining the perfect balance of your friendship. And even though he treats you in a way a partner would on a lot of occasions, he acts completely oblivious to it, as if everything he does with you he does for everyone else.

On a late evening, as you looked over the latest numbers and data, Charles came seemingly out of nowhere with two cups of coffee in hand.

"Long night, huh?" He said, offering you the coffee, you smiled, grateful for his gesture.

"Thanks." You take a sip and sigh in content. "You always know when I need the caffeine boost."

Charles leans on the desk beside you and grins. "It's the perk of knowing you so well, how are my numbers?"

"Not good." You tease him, Charles leans over to see what you're looking at. "They're saying you're too nice."

Charles laughs and rolls his eyes. "I'll try to be less nice then, maybe I'll start with you."

"Come on now, I was just joking." You pout at him and he smiles.

"How long until you finish up?" Charles asks and you hum.

"Not long, I'm just finishing up." You tell him, and he nods but doesn't move.

"Do you need a ride?" Charles asks, his eyes not straying from you. "I'm heading out."

"You're staying on the other side of town." You raise an eyebrow, those words you say to him every time.

"It's no trouble, besides it's an excuse to spend more time with my favourite person on the team." Your heart skips a beat at his words and you can't fight the smile.

"Alright, I'll take you up on that."

Those kinds of things your mind wanders to, especially on those sleepless nights while you're lying in bed. Your mind always goes back to the little moments that you shared, the moments that got your heart to flutter, the lingering glances, the causal touches, and the shared laughter. You cherish those moments, holding them close to you like precious and delicate Chinas. But there was always doubt. Did he actually feel the same way? Will he ever feel the same way? Or are you just destined to always be his friend?

Your thoughts all came to a halt when the room buzzed, by the new arrival. The room was alight with anticipation as Lewis Hamilton walked in, his presence commanding attention. His move to Ferrari is sensational, the talk of the paddock all of last year. The move turned F1 upside down. Lewis greeted everyone with a practised charm, a smile on his face, he wanted to seem genuine, he wanted to not come across as a big headed driver and just to get to know everyone he works with, to create a harmonious and smooth working place. Lewis met everyone's gaze as he greeted them, but when his eyes met yours, something shifted.

"Hey there." Lewis said, approaching you with a smile. "You must be the genius behind these impressive numbers."

You laughed, feeling slightly flustered. "I'm not too sure about the genius part, but I try my best. Welcome to Ferrari, Lewis."

"Thanks, it's great to be here." Lewis said and looked around the room before his eyes settled back on you. "I've heard a lot about you, mind if I pick your brain a bit?"

"Not at all, what do you want to know?"

And so you and Lewis stood talking for a bit, before he was whisked away to continue his tour and meet the rest of the workers. But as his presence became permanent in the factory you found yourself spending a lot of time with him. He often sought you out and at first it was just to understand all the data and how the new car will function and he had ideas that he wanted to see if it could be implemented or not. Your conversations flowed easily, from the team, to the car to your role it all went and flowed easily. And you found yourself thinking more about Lewis and looking forward to your time together.

Lewis had a knack of lightening the mood and making everything seem so effortless. It's a trait that you appreciate. It was refreshing.

One afternoon, you were reviewing data together. Lewis leaned over your shoulder, his proximity causing you to lose focus for a moment.

"So what's the secret sauce here?" He asked his tone playful, it was as if he had no idea what he was doing, as if his proximity was not having any effect on you.

"If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret then, would it?" You laughed, nudging him lightly.

"Fair point, but come on, give me something." Lewis smiled at vou. "I promise I won't tell anyone.”

"Alright, alright." You said after rolling your eyes, your smile showed that you're actually okay with it. "It's all in optimising the balance between speed and control, especially in the corners. We've been finetuning it for months."

"See, now I'm learning something, you really are the genius everyone says you are." You blushed and shrugged, brushing off the compliment.

"It's a team effort."

"Yeah, but each team has its MVP." He said and his eyes locked with yours for a moment longer than necessary.

One dqy, you were in the garage with Charles, adjusting some settings to his car, when Lewis came a playful grin on his face.

"Hey, engineer extraordinaire, got a moment?" Lewis asked, his eyes filled with mischief.

"What's up, Lewis?" You looked up at him already amused.

"I've got a serious question for you, it's about strategy." Lewis leaned next to you, his eyes going to Charles with the playful look on his face. Charles watched the interaction with intrigue, he of course noticed how close you and Lewis became, but he never actually saw you interact.

"Go on."

"Pineapple on pizza, yes or no?" This was not what you expected at all, Charles was even surprised, but where you laughed he did not.

"Really? That's your serious question?"

"Absolutely, it's crucial information." He said laughing along with you.

"Well, if you must know, I'm a pro-pineapple." You shrugged, throwing your hands up. "Controversial, I know."

"I knew I loved you for a reason, you've got good taste." Lewis winked at you before he patted Charles's shoulder and left you back to what you were doing.

"That's it?" You asked after the older driver.

"Yeah." With a wave of his hand over his shoulder he was out of sight. You shook your head and went back to what you were doing before he came in with a smile on your face.

"Huh." Charles mutters frowning, things are changing, and it's making him feel some type of way, he has no idea what to feel about it.

As your relationship grew and your banter continued, you found yourself looking forward to these light-hearted moments. Lewis had a way of making the most mundane topics entertaining. He was effortlessly funny, and his humour was a refreshing change from the intense atmosphere of the garage.

One evening, after a particularly long day, you found yourselves alone in the garage. You were finishing up some data analysis when Lewis wandered over, two bottles of water in hand. You got dejavu, as your mind flashed to when Charles would get you coffee and drive you home whenever you had long days.

“Thought you might need this.” He said, handing you one.

“Thanks, Lewis, you’re a lifesaver.”

He took a seat next to her, watching her work. “You know, you’ve got this incredible focus. It’s impressive.”

You smiled, a little flustered by the compliment. “It’s part of the job.”

“Still, it’s something, I’ve been meaning to ask, how did you end up here? With Ferrari, I mean.”

You paused, considering how to condense years of passion and hard work into a few sentences. “I’ve always loved racing. Grew up watching it with my family. I studied engineering because I wanted to be part of this world, and Ferrari… well, it’s the dream, isn’t it?”

“It really is, and you’re amazing at what you do. The team’s lucky to have you.” Lewis nodded, genuinely believing his words.

“Thanks, Lewis. That means a lot.” You felt a blush creep up your cheeks.

As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned to months, you noticed more about Lewis. His dedication to his craft, the way he treated everyone on the team with respect, and his infectious enthusiasm. He was different from what you had expected, and you found yourself drawn to him in ways you hadn’t anticipated.

There was a particular day that stood out. You had a meeting scheduled and as you waited for it to begin, you were both early. Lewis started telling a story about an adventure he had on a race weekend in Japan.

“So there I was, completely lost in Tokyo, and none of my apps were working. I couldn’t read the signs, and I was pretty sure I was going to end up on the news as the driver who went missing in the middle of a city. Then, out of nowhere, this old lady comes up to me and starts speaking perfect English, asking if I needed help. Turns out she used to live in London. She got me back to my hotel, and we still exchange Christmas cards.”

“Only you, Lewis. Only you.” You laughed, shaking your head.

“What can I say? Adventure finds me.” He said with a wink.

It was in these moments that you started to notice his attractiveness, not just physically, though he was undeniably handsome, but in the way he carried himself, the kindness in his eyes, and the warmth of his smile. He made you laugh, made you feel seen and appreciated. It was a stark contrast to the complicated, often unspoken dynamics you had with Charles.

As time went on the lines between her professional and personal life began to blur once more, but with a new Ferrari driver. You and Lewis continued to grow closer, your bond solidifying with each shared laugh and meaningful conversation. Yet, with each passing day, the tension between you and Charles grew more.

One morning, as you arrived at the garage, Charles was waiting for you, his usual easygoing demeanour replaced with a more serious expression. Something that you picked on instantly, you can read Charles easily.

“Hey.” He greeted, handing you a cup of your favourite coffee. “Got a minute?”

“Sure, thanks for the coffee” You replied, knowing that something big is about to drop. “What’s up?”

He led her to a quieter corner of the garage, away from the prying eyes and ears of your colleagues. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something. It’s... about Lewis.”

You sighed inwardly, bracing yourself. “What about him?”

“I’ve noticed you two have been spending a lot of time together.” Charles ran a hand through his hair, a habit you knew indicated he was stressed.

“Yes, we have. He’s new and has a lot of questions. We’ve become friends.” You nodded, keeping your voice steady.

“Friends?” Charles echoed, a hint of scepticism in his voice. “It seems like more than that.”

“Charles, we are friends.” You looked him in the eye, his stare was unwavering, you’ve never hidden anything from Charles, it wasn’t in your nature. You blinked a few times before you continued, your voice dropping a little. “I may have feelings for him and I’m pretty sure he feels the same.

His jaw tightened, and he looked away for a moment before speaking again. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt. He’s got a reputation, you know.”

“Lewis has been nothing but kind and respectful to me.” You countered. “I appreciate your concern, Charles, but I can handle this.”

“Alright. Just... be careful, okay?” He sighed, his shoulders slumping slightly.

“I will.” You promised, feeling a mix of relief and guilt as you walked away.

That evening, after another successful session, Lewis invited you out for dinner. As you sat in a cosy restaurant, the conversation flowed easily, and you found yourself relaxing in his presence.

“You look like you’ve got a lot on your mind,” Lewis observed, his eyes searching your face.

“Just the usual stress of the job.” You smiled, waving him off. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

“Anything I can help with?” It takes you a moment to answer before you decide to confide in him,

“It’s Charles. He’s... concerned about us spending time together, he thinks I might get hurt.”

Lewis’s expression softened. “I understand where he’s coming from, but I want you to know, I’m serious about this. About us.”

“I know.” You said, reaching out to squeeze his hand, fighting the blush from forming on your cheeks. “I just need to figure out how to manage everything.”

Charles sat alone in his hotel room, the dim light casting long shadows on the walls. The conversation with you earlier played over and over in his mind. He had always thought your friendship was special, but seeing you with Lewis had stirred something deep within him, something he couldn’t ignore any longer.

His phone buzzed on the nightstand, a new message from you: “Thank you for understanding, Charles. It means a lot to me.”

He stared at the words, feeling a pang of longing and regret. How had he not seen it before? The way his heart quickened whenever you laughed, the comfort he felt in your presence, the jealousy that gnawed at him every time he saw you with Lewis, it all pointed to one undeniable truth. He was in love with you.

Memories flooded his mind: the late-night conversations, the shared glances across the garage, the way you always seemed to know what he needed without him having to ask. He had taken it all for granted, thinking it was simply the bond of close friendship. But now, faced with the reality of losing you to someone else, he realised just how much you meant to him.

Charles leaned back against the headboard, running a hand through his hair. How could he have been so blind? He had always been there for you, and you for him, but he had never allowed himself to consider the possibility of something more. Now, it seems, it might be too late.

On track after that, Charles found it hard to focus. His mind was clouded with thoughts of you, of what he needed to do. He watched you from a distance, your interactions with Lewis emphasising the urgency of his situation. He couldn’t stand by and watch you slip away without at least telling you how he felt. And from then on tension between him and Lewis started to mount.

One afternoon, as the team prepared for a crucial race weekend, the tension between Charles and Lewis came to a head. They were in the garage, going over the final preparations, when Charles finally voiced his frustration.

“Lewis, can we talk?” Charles asked, his tone clipped.

“Sure.” Lewis replied, sensing the underlying tension, and he had a pretty good idea why Charles wanted to talk to him.

They stepped outside, away from the hustle of the garage. Charles turned to face him, his eyes blazing. “What are your intentions with y/n?”

“My intentions? I care about her, Charles.” Lewis raised an eyebrow, taken aback by the directness. “Isn’t that obvious?”

“She means a lot to me.” Charles clenched his fists, struggling to keep his emotions in check. “I don’t want to see her hurt.”

“And you think I do?” Lewis shot back, his voice rising. “I’ve been nothing but honest with her. What about you, Charles? Have you told her how you feel?”

Charles was silent, the truth hanging heavily between them. He hadn’t, and now he feared it might be too late. It seemed that even Lewis knew about his feelings even before he did. Charles gave Lewis a nod and left him abruptly.

His feelings weren’t just affecting his relationship with you, and with Lewis but it started to be felt by the team as well, and it wouldn’t be long before the fans started to spot it as well.

Inside the garage, you could sense the growing tension between the two men. It was affecting the team’s morale, and you knew you had to do something. So you approached Charles.

“Charles, we need to talk.” You nodded to the side for him to follow her.

“What’s on your mind?” He asked once you stood in a quiet corner.

You took a deep breath, gathering your thoughts. “This... thing between you and Lewis, it needs to stop. It’s affecting the team.”

“I know.” He admitted, his voice unsteady. “I just... I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”

“You’re not losing me,” You said gently, giving him one of your smiles that always calmed him down, but it seemed like it wasn’t working at this moment. “But you need to understand that I have feelings for Lewis. And I need you to respect that.”

“I’m trying. But it’s hard.” Charles looked at you, his eyes filled with a mixture of pain and longing.

“I know it is.” You replied, placing a hand on his arm and his heart skipped a beat. “But we’ll get through this. We always do, as friends.”

This sent a bang to his heart, how many times he’s called you a friend not knowing the effect it had on you, it seemed like now he knows.

”What?” You asked, seeing the look on his face. “You have something you want to tell me.”

”I-uh…” Charles trailed off, his confidence suddenly gone.

”Charles, just say it.”

Charles took a deep breath, trying to steady his racing heart. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and there’s something I need to tell you. Something I should have said a long time ago, and maybe this is not the right time but I can’t hold it in any longer.”

“Okay. What is it?” Your heart started beating fast in your chest.

“I’m in love with you.” He blurted out, the words rushing out in a torrent of emotion. “I have been for a long time. I just... I didn’t realise it until now. Seeing you with Lewis made me see what I’ve been too afraid to acknowledge. I don’t want to lose you, not like this.”

“Charles... I...” Your eyes widened in shock and confusion, those words you’ve longed to hear for years, and here he is saying them to you, but… it’s a bit late. This just complicated everything.

“I know this is sudden,” He continued, his voice trembling slightly. “And I know you have feelings for Lewis. But I had to tell you. I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. You mean everything to me, and I can’t stand the thought of not trying.”

You were silent for a long moment, your gaze dropping to the ground as you processed his words. When you finally looked up, your eyes were filled with a mix of sadness and uncertainty.

“Charles, I... I don’t know what to say.” You admitted. “This is a lot to take in. I care about you so much, but I also have feelings for Lewis. I’m- I'm just so confused right now.”

“I understand.” He said softly. “I’m not asking for an answer right now. I just needed you to know how I feel. Whatever you decide, I’ll respect it. But I couldn’t let you go without telling you the truth.”

“I need some time to figure this out.” Your emotions were everywhere and you couldn’t make sense of them.

“Take all the time you need.” He replied, his voice gentle. “I’ll be here, no matter what.”

As you walked away, Charles felt a strange sense of relief mingled with apprehension. He had laid his heart bare, and now the rest was up to you. All he could do was hope that, in the end, you would see that he was the one who truly loved her, that with all your shared memories spent together you’d choose him, and that it wasn’t too late.

As you walked away, you couldn’t help but feel the weight of the situation pressing down on you. Your mind is spinning, the weight of his confession pressing heavily on your heart. As much as you had longed to hear those words from him, the timing felt like a cruel twist of fate. You needed clarity, and the only person who could help you find it was Lewis.

So that evening, you went to Lewis’s hotel room. The city lights outside cast a warm glow, creating an intimate atmosphere. Lewis welcomed you in with a gentle smile, sensing the turmoil in your eyes.

“Hey.” He said softly, leading you to the sofa. “You look like you’ve had a rough day.”

You nodded, your emotions still raw from your earlier conversation with Charles. “I need to talk to you about something important.”

“What’s going on?” Lewis sat beside you, frowning.

“Charles confessed his feelings to me today.” You took a deep breath. “He told me he’s in love with me.”

“I see.” He knew about his feelings, but he didn’t think Charles actually had it in him to confess. “ And how do you feel about that?”

“It’s complicated.” You admitted, your voice trembling. “I’ve had feelings for Charles for a long time. I thought he only saw me as a friend, so I never said anything. But now...”

“I understand.” Lewis nodded, his gaze never leaving yours. “This must be really confusing for you.”

“It is.” Your voice barely above a whisper. “But the thing is, I’ve been waiting for Charles to notice me for years. And while I was waiting, I met you. You’ve been so kind, so genuine, and… I couldn’t help but start to have feelings for you.”

“I care about you a lot.” Lewis reached out, taking your hand in his. “More than I’ve cared about anyone in a long time. But I don’t want to be with you if your heart is somewhere else. You deserve to be happy, whatever that means for you.”

“I know. And that’s why I need to be honest with you.” Tears welled up in your eyes as you squeezed his hand, it’s all too much for you. “I’ve spent so much time waiting for Charles to return my feelings, and it’s cost me a lot of happiness. I don’t want to waste any more time. I want to give us a chance, Lewis. I want to see where this can go.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel pressured.” Lewis’s eyes softened with relief and warmth.

“I’m sure.” You nodded firmly, your decision made. “You’ve shown me what it feels like to be appreciated and cared for. I don’t want to let that go.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” He smiled, a genuine, heartfelt smile that made your heart flutter. “I promise, I’ll do everything I can to make you happy.”

You sat in silence for a moment, the weight of your decision settling between you both. You felt a sense of peace, knowing you had made the right choice for yourself. The future was uncertain, but with Lewis by your side, you felt ready to face it.

After your talk with Lewis, and your decision being made, you were filled with a mix of excitement and apprehension. Being with Lewis felt right, it was easy and your bond just grew stronger every day. He made you laugh, supported your ambitions and treated you with a level of respect and affection, you hadn’t realised you were missing.

But your past with Charles still haunted you, you saw him every day for work and there was a subtle tension over you and it affected the team dynamic. Charles was professional, as always, but there was a distance and coldness to his demeanour that hadn’t been there before. It hurt you to see him struggling, but you knew you had made the right choice. For yourself.

After a race weekend, that was hard and gruelling on you and Lewis and the rest of the team, Lewis took you out to a quiet restaurant. The conversation was light and filled with laughter, a welcome respite from the pressure that is their work.

“Can you believe how many laps we ran today?” Lewis joked, shaking his head. “I thought my arms were going to fall off.”

You laughed, enjoying the ease of your banter. “I was beginning to think they’d made you a permanent fixture on the track.”

As you continued to talk, you felt a warmth spreading through your chest. This was what you had been missing—genuine connection, unburdened by years of unspoken feelings and what-ifs.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Charles sat alone in his room once more, he was staring at his phone. He had been avoiding you, unsure of how to navigate your new reality. The thought of you with Lewis was a constant ache in his heart, but he couldn’t deny that you seemed happier. Unable to bear the silence any longer, Charles decided to reach out. He typed out a message, his fingers hovering over the send button before finally pressing it.

Can we talk? I miss our friendship.

Your phone buzzed just as you and Lewis were finishing dessert. You glanced at the screen, your heart sinking slightly at the sight of Charles’s name. Lewis noticed your expression and raised an eyebrow.

“Everything okay?” he asked gently.

You nodded, showing him the message. “It’s from Charles. He wants to talk.”

“Do you want to go see him? It’s okay if you do.” Lewis took your hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“I think I should.” You said softly. “We need to clear the air.”

Later that evening, you found herself outside Charles’s hotel room, your heart pounding with a mix of anxiety and resolve. You knocked gently, and a moment later, the door opened to reveal Charles’s weary face.

“Hey,” he greeted, stepping aside to let you in.

“Hey.” You replied, taking a seat on the edge of the sofa. “You wanted to talk?”

“I did.” He nodded, closing the door and sitting opposite you. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what I said to you, and I realised I was being unfair. I shouldn’t have put you in that position.”

“Charles, it’s okay.” You said softly. “I’m glad you told me how you feel. But I also needed to be honest with myself. Waiting for you for so long, it was hard. And in that time, I found something real with Lewis.”

“I understand.” He looked down, his expression pained but accepting. “It just took me too long to see what was right in front of me. I don’t want to lose you as a friend, though. You mean too much to me.”

Your heart ached for him, for the years of missed opportunities and unspoken words.

“You won’t lose me, Charles. Our friendship is important to me too. It’ll take some time, but we can find a way to move forward.”

He nodded, a faint smile tugging at his lips. “I’d like that.”

And so the tension began to ease, it took time, but you and Charles found a new rhythm. Your friendship slowly mending as you navigated this new phase of thier relationship. Lewis was a constant source of support, his presence a steady anchor in the shifting tides of her emotions.

And so one race weekend, as the team prepared for another race, you found yourself standing between Lewis and Charles, the three of you chatting easily. There is a new understanding between you.

“Ready for this weekend?” Lewis asked, grinning at you.

You smiled, feeling a sense of contentment you hadn’t felt in a long time. “More than ever.”

Charles chimed in, his eyes warm with genuine affection. “We’ve got this.”

In that moment, surrounded by the people who meant the most to you, you knew you had made the right choices. Your relationships weren’t perfect but it was close to it. Most importantly you are happy.

Maintaglist:

@gnatthefly . @mochimommy2002 . @llando4norris . @mrswolffs-blog . @barcelonaloverf1life . @c-losur3 . @mysticalpenguinarbiter

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[zombryz]

: ̗̀➛ Sparks and Cursed Shadows

˗ˏˋ hello again, dear reader ˎˊ˗   Here is my new series :3

Chapter One

masterlist | Next Chapter 2  | ao3

Pairings: Satoru Gojo x afab!reader x Suguru Geto

A/N: hehehe I am so excited for this one. I've already written 20k words and are planning on posting once a week. I usually write these for myself and will almost always make the reader afab, however, I am always open to requests and can write for any gender. As always, thanks for reading my brain rot :3

Summary: Years had passed since you last saw him—the formidable sorcerer, Satoru Gojo, with his innate six eyes, your old classmate, and first love. When Suguru Geto decided to part ways with Jujutsu High and abandon sorcery altogether, you went with him, both of you unintentionally breaking Satoru's heart. Now, after years and years, your heart aches as Suguru, your now lover, succumbs to the ancient curse of Kenjaku. Suguru—no—Kenjaku threatens to kill Suguru inside of his own mind if you do not confront your once-beloved Satoru Gojo, killing him to bring balance back to the world of curses.

Warnings: (current, may change throughout the story) **Possible Anime/Manga spoilers throughout** PSTD, Death, depression, angst, possessiveness, jealousy, uneven power dynamics (obviously because Gojo is the strongest), eventual lemon/smut, slowburn, right person wrong time, friends to lovers to enemies to lovers again, touch starved, unprotected first time, virgin!reader, virgin!gojo, betrayal, possible pregnancy (undecided but will make it cute, not annoying), fuckboy!gojo, kind of poly!reader (she loves them both at the same time), gore/blood/violence scenes that will be graphic

Word Count: 8.5k

Monday, July 9th 2018

“Do you want to go see Human Earthworm 3?” Mahito annoyingly leans into your shoulder hoping that Suguru won’t see him pestering you. You roll your eyes internally and move your head to the left a little now that Mahito is blocking all the sunlight. He sits in the beach chair next to you after he realizes you’re not going to answer him. “Oh c’mon, Geto has you on such a tight leash it’ll be fun.” He says this in a sing-song voice hoping to get you on-board. 

You scoff and try to ignore his childlike teasing and pull your sunglasses down from the top of your head to block your eyes from Mahito in hopes of getting him to leave you alone. 

“No one will even see me so it’ll be like you’re seeing the movie alone. No need to be embarrassed.” He adds hoping this would somehow change your mind. Ugh, he was so aggravating.  You remember when Suguru introduced you to Mahito, the patch-faced, human-like curse. You initially thought he was cute until he opened his mouth. Nothing has changed since then, he’s just gotten more and more under your skin. 

“Enough Mahito,” Suguru interjects and is suddenly standing over the two of you with his arms crossed. His voice made it seem like he was unbothered by the situation entirely but his body language read a little differently. Mahito slumps back into the beach chair with a clear frown plastered across his face. “Y/N, can you come with me please.” He doesn’t look at you when he says this. Instead, he turns on his heel and walks towards the floating door in the middle of the sand. You were in Dagon’s beach domain. It was mostly relaxing and this was where most of you spent your time in hiding these days. 

“What is it?” You ask as the two of you approach the door. You avoid his blatant eye contact. Lately, you’ve been having a really hard time looking at the man you love because that's just it; He isn’t the man you love, well, not anymore. One day last year he came back from a “mission” extremely injured with stitches across his head. He said that he was no longer Suguru Geto but instead a man by the name of Kenjaku. At first, you thought that the injury on his head made him lose his memory but soon you realized he had been possessed by a curse that you had no idea how to exorcise. He stopped touching you and acted like he barely knew who you were and became very serious-natured. Suguru was never this cold. He tried to imitate his love for you but you knew better. It was all a facade. After all, he had told you the truth, that man was no longer Suguru Geto. You weren’t sure if you were supposed to mourn him or save him. You chose the latter and never gave up hope that one day you would get him back. You knew he was still in there, somewhere. Until then, you would do whatever he wanted you to do. It was like you were his slave. You would cry yourself to sleep at night almost every night since. Your Suguru was no longer there to hold you close, to tell you how much he loved you, to have you by his side. You were no longer of importance to him.

Only once had you attempted to exorcise him. That was the day you almost died. He was too strong and you got the only evidence you needed that he was still in there, trapped inside his own body. His body betrayed Kenjaku and didn’t allow him to hurt you anymore. Suguru had stopped himself from killing you. 

“There is something I need from you.” He shuffles his hands awkwardly. Seeing him come off so confident is weird, although his body language betrays him whenever he speaks to you. In the beginning, it was tough to watch but now, you're just numb to it. God, you wish he’d just get on with it so this conversation could be over. It still hurts and you feel your tears threaten to spill. Now all your relationship was was transactions. You stayed close because you loved him and he took advantage of that. “I need you to kill Satoru Gojo.” Your heart sinks at his request. You had secretly hoped that Kenjaku wouldn’t find out who Satoru was or who he was to you and Suguru but several months ago Kenjaku had devised a plan to trap Satoru. That plan you could live with but this? Satoru’s name still sounded foreign on his pseudo-Suguru’s tongue. Your mind flashes to Satoru’s ocean-blue eyes and his cocky but warm smile. How could he say that about his best friend? Your best friend? He probably had this planned this whole time. You were being naive. It was probably because Satoru posed a serious threat to him. How could you forget that Satoru was the strongest Sorceror? You couldn’t, but instead, you just wished he wasn’t.

“I thought we planned to trap him in the prison realm, that’s what you said!” Your voice betrays you now and you’re not trying to shout but you are. You’re upset and visibly so, why is he saying all of this?

“We’re not certain the prison realm will be enough to hold Satoru Gojo, after all, he is the strongest.” He laughs and you just scoff at his words in disbelief. If Suguru heard himself say this he would be so heartbroken. It had been years since you saw him, the strongest sorcerer, the man who held the innate gift of the six eyes, your old classmate, your first love, Satoru Gojo. Almost ten years to be exact. He would be almost 30 now. So much has changed since then. You wondered if he remembered you and if he thought of you as much as you thought of him.

“I can’t. I won’t-” your voice cracks, “-do that.” The tears from earlier start to spill now. You had hoped that running away with Suguru to follow his dream would mean that you would never have to see Satoru again. You were fine with that but this, you weren’t fine with. Your heart would never allow you to kill Satoru Gojo. You weren’t even sure why Suguru was so confident that you could. Maybe because it wasn’t a request from Suguru…

“Yes, you will. If you have any hope of seeing Suguru Geto again you will.” Your eyes flick up to his forehead where you look at him through wet lashes. You look at the stitches that hold his skull together with haste. He’s still in there and you just wanted him back. “You’re the only one out of all of us that has the best chance of getting close to him. After all, he once loved you. Didn’t he?” Your cheeks burn and your stomach drops at his words. You feel like you’re going to be sick. If you were being honest with yourself, you didn’t know if he once loved you or not. “Even if you don’t kill him, you’re able to get close and weaken him, then we can trap him.”

“Fine.” You wipe the single tear from your cheek and turn to walk away but before you can Kenjaku reaches for your arm and grabs a hold of your wrist tightly making you wince.

“I think you should go with Mahito. It could give you a chance to scope out Satoru’s whereabouts. I hear he has a few students of his own now.” His voice is deep and low making you curious as to why he was whispering. Is this because he doesn’t have faith in the little curses he keeps around him? Are you the only person completely loyal to him? Maybe, you thought. Then your mind wanders to Satoru. You wonder if he’s gotten any taller, his hair any longer, or if he is the same old Satoru. Your lips turn upwards slightly at the thought of his laugh as you leave Suguru and make your way over to Mahito.

“Come on patch-face. We’re going to see your movie.” You throw a towel at him and roll your eyes at the excited face he makes. He reminds you so much of a child and sometimes you don’t know why you can’t stand him. 

Later in the day

You arrived at the movie theater and bought one ticket for Human Earthworm 3. Mahito stood next to you eager to get into the theater. There were only a few other people in the theater, a few boys sitting by the front and a lone teenage boy. Good thing you didn’t care about the movie all that much because the boys up front would not shut up. The lone boy sitting at the top left of the theater wore a purple shirt and his dark hair fell over his face. He looked sad but you tried not to think anything of it. 

“Should I shut them up?” Mahito leaned over to whisper in your ear. His words were laced with evil and you could hear the smile across his lips. You shiver at his words but try to play it off.

“If you want, I don’t care.” You wave him off with an annoyed sigh. The boy in purple looked up at you and you imagined he thought you were crazy for talking to yourself. Whatever. You had gone through your wallet during the movie and found your old jujutsu high ID card. Yep, just as you thought you were once a grade-one sorcerer. You flip over your ID and run your fingertips over the scratched-up surface. There was a smiley face drawn in Sharpie that was slightly smudged. That’s right, Satoru drew this. You smiled sweetly to yourself at the memory. He was so annoying back then but you adored him and his goofy self. He was somehow always so cocky. He was beautiful though, he was tall and hadn’t completely grown into his height yet. You remember his messy white hair and his angelic blue eyes. You even remember him stealing your ID card and holding it above your head so you couldn’t reach it. He always made it a point to joke with you about being short. He was always so playful with you. 

Your mind wanders to something darker as you hold the plastic between your two fingers. Were you really going to have to kill him to bring Suguru back? What if he could help you instead? Did he even still care about you or Suguru enough to do that? This all felt so heavy. Were you even going to be able to kill him if he said no? Kenjaku seemed to think you could. Yes, you were once a very strong sorcerer and if you had to guess you’re probably well past a special grade now but that just means he is too. Even back then Satoru was the strongest, he was a special grade even then. You sigh to yourself. You try to remind yourself that you were the descendant of one of the strongest sorcerers in history. You were part of the Kashimo clan, your great-great-great grandfather was titled the god of lightning. You tried to talk yourself into feeling stronger but it wasn’t helping. The truth is Satoru would kill you in an instant if he wanted to. Maybe because you deserved it and wouldn’t fight back or maybe just because you were weak.

Before you knew it Mahito was bored. He no longer had any interest in the movie and you were snapped out of whatever trance you were just in. He stood up and started walking to the exit but not before completely transmuting all three of the boys who were talking during the entire movie. You roll your eyes and follow him out stuffing your ID card back into your wallet and then into your purse. Such a drama queen.

As you’re walking back to the building where your hideout was you hear someone call out to you. You consider ignoring it but then he yells out, “Hey, you, patch-face with the lady!” Suddenly your eyes widen as you turn around to face the same sad boy from earlier—the one who wore purple and had one side of his face covered by his dark hair.

“Y-you can see him?” You blurt out pointing at Mahito, not even acknowledging that he was going to say something first.

“Yeah, and I also saw what he did to them.” He steps back a little, losing the confidence he just had. He seemed sweet and you knew he wasn’t at all a real threat. Suddenly he seemed sweaty and scared. 

“What, were they your friends or something?” Mahito interjects and you allow him to speak to the poor boy. You feel a small drop of water fall on your face and when you look up you notice it's starting to rain. You pull your hood over your head and lean against a wall under an air conditioning unit so you don’t get wet.

“Can I..” he hesitates, “Do that too?” The boy asks while staring down at his feet. There seems to be something troubling him for him to be asking dangerous strangers for help.

“Come on, I’ll show you.” Mahito grins creepily and that was your queue to leave. You didn’t care to listen to him go on and on about curses when he just learned about it not too long ago himself. After all, he was a new curse.

“You two go on without me. Suguru will want to hear about this.” You share one last look at Mahito and the boy before drifting back into the shadows of the alleyway to make your way back to the hideout. 

The next day 

Mahito tells you that the boy's name is Junpei. He can see and manipulate cursed energy and Mahito has taken it upon himself to personally “train” the boy. You’re slightly annoyed but just happy that Mahito won't be bothering you as much anymore. You tell him to be nice to the boy and that if he hurt him in any way, you’ll kill him. You can’t help it, something about him reminded you of a younger Suguru and it warmed your heart. 

Suguru on the other hand didn’t care as much as you thought he would. He was more disappointed to see that you had returned with no news on Satoru’s whereabouts. You promised to go back out today and see what you could find out. You met up with Mahito who happened to be spying on Junpei. Apparently, Junpei had crossed paths with The king of curses, Sukuna’s vessel, Yuji Itadori, a young boy with bright pink hair and a red hood attached to his Jujutsu High uniform. You could feel just how powerful his cursed energy was from a mile back. His aura sent chills down your spine. Everything about Sukuna freaks you out. You’ve only ever heard stories about him as you and Suguru spent a couple of years searching for his twenty fingers. You also remember that your great-great-great grandfather made it his dying wish that one day he would get to fight Sukuna. You guessed that never happened since your grandfather was the one 6 feet under. 

“He told him about us,” Mahito says while playing with the ends of his hair and swinging his feet out beneath him. He was sitting on a park tree near where Junpei and Itadori were talking but was careful to be out of sight.

“What do you mean?” You weren’t following what he was saying.

“Junpei told Itadori that he saw us yesterday and described what we looked like. Should we go ahead and kill him to preserve Geto’s plan?”

“No, that would just stir the pot. Maybe this could work in our favor. We got word from Jogo that Sukuna’s vessel was one of Satoru-I mean- Gojo’s students, right?” Now Mahito was the one not following. His face is full of confusion. You flick him in the forehead, “That means that Gojo will come to us stupid. Now we won't have to find him. He isn’t going to send his weaker sorcerers to fight us knowing that we’re multiple special grades.” 

“Oh, right!” Mahito smiles and turns to face Junpei once more. “I also fought a blonde sorcerer yesterday! Even more the reason to come.” Mahito sings as he continues to swing his feet humming a tune. 

Your heart drops. A blonde sorcerer? Could it be? 

“Mahito… this blonde sorcerer…” you start but your voice gets stuck in your throat. “Did you kill him?” Your throat suddenly felt like pins and needles.

“The businessman? No, it was a pretty even match actually and we had to draw.” 

Nanamin.. Of course, it was him. You anxiously ran your fingers through your hair. Thank god, he’s still alive. You tried to keep tabs on most of your other old classmates, except Satoru. You thought Nanami quit being a sorcerer but maybe your intel was wrong. 

“Please don’t hurt him.” You turn toward Mahito practically begging. 

“I never thought I’d hear you say that Y/N! Wow, you are a softy arentcha? Well, either way, I do what I want.” Mahito gets close to your face and smiles. You had about enough of him and were this close to exorcising him right then and there when you noticed Itadori and Junpei leaving. Killing Kenjaku’s favorite curse would have to wait. The two of you continued to follow Itadori and Junpei.

Later that day 

You had devised a plan. You overheard Kenjaku and Mahito talking, they were going to use Junpei to create a diversion to see how much control Itadori had over Sukuna, or best case scenario, they were planning on getting control over Sukuna’s vessel themselves. 

The whole plan made you sick. Poor Junpei. You knew what you had to do. You had to be there in the shadows to protect Junpei and to leave with Satoru, however you needed to. This was your only hope of saving Suguru. 

When you weren’t sleeping in Dagon’s domain, you were in a room over at the motel you were all staying at. You used to share this room with Suguru and you just couldn’t be alone in there anymore, it was too much. You began packing a few of your things when you heard someone knock on your door softly.

“Come in.” You call out to them. 

The door opens and when you look up you see Mimiko, her long brunette hair laying at her shoulders and her body language makes it seem like she has been tiptoeing around Kenjaku herself. You can’t believe how much she has grown since you and Suguru found her and her twin sister years ago. For a long time, you all felt like a family. You and Suguru even used to make sweet jokes about how Mimiko and Nanako were your daughters. You once asked Suguru if he thought if you had children together ironically you would also have twin daughters. He chuckled but you knew deep down he never wanted to bring more kids into the world. Sometimes you wish your relationship with him could’ve been different. You would’ve really loved just being about to go on dates and worry about paying rent with your normal careers. Maybe you both would’ve worked at Nanami’s office and made Fridays your movie nights and Tuesdays would be when you invited Shoko, Nanami, and Haibara over for Dinner. Satoru would come sometimes when he wasn’t busy with his new girl of the week. Sadly though, that was all just a dream; but maybe in another life, it wasn’t just a dream. 

“It’s just me.” You say and turn to continue packing with a straight face.

“Oh, okay,” she immediately relaxes. “Where are you going?”

You completely ignored her question, you didn’t want her to start getting worked up. “Where is Nanako, I want to say goodbye to the both of you.” 

“You’re leaving us? No! You can’t, please don’t leave us here with him.” Her voice cracks and it breaks your heart. They both have been through so much. 

You rush over to her to quickly stop her from crying. You lower your voice so that it is above a whisper while you gently rub her shoulder, “It’s okay, it’s not for good. I’m doing this for us Mimiko, I am going to get help so that we can get Suguru back.”

“Really?” She questions while sniffling. 

“Yes, but I need to hurry before he notices. Can you cover for me?” 

“Well, Nanako is with him…” 

“Where?” You say with slight irritation in your voice.

“Upstairs.”

You give her a big hug before making your way up the dirty motel staircase. Luckily, you see Nanako’s blonde hair coming around the corner and she is alone. You run up to her and give her a big hug as well. 

“I love you. Tell Mimiko I love her too. She’ll explain everything.” You don’t even give her a chance to ask any questions before taking off down the other side of the outside hallway. You try to be stealthy and quiet but you’re not quiet enough. Suddenly an arm reaches out to you, jolting you to a stop. It was him. His grip made you wince once more.

“And where are you going, Y/N?” He asks with a borderline sinister smile. You shudder as you go to look at him trying your hardest to pretend like everything is fine. 

“I’m going on your secret mission, remember? I just said goodbye to our daughters.” You hiss up at him. This time you look directly into his eyes so that he feels your anger. 

He didn’t seem to like this, he reached out and grabbed your throat to pull you closer to him. Your teeth clench together and cry out in pain. He’s not quite choking you but he’s holding you hard enough to leave bruises behind. 

“Good luck then.” He mutters in your ear. When he pulls away he places a small chaste kiss on your lips making your heart flutter a little. The entire interaction was giving you whiplash. You figured this was his way of saying ‘Don’t betray me or I’ll kill you’. He lets go of your throat and you cough trying to catch your breath.

You look at him with hate in your eyes one last time before turning and running down the motel stairs. You had one more stop to make for your grand plan to work. Mahito. 

The next day

You wake up the next day in a room unfamiliar to you. The night before you had left your motel and went to a hotel that was closer to Jujutsu High. You showered and put on a little bit of makeup. As you were getting dressed in your family's traditional attire you couldn’t help but feel nervous. Today you were going to see Satoru. What if he didn’t want to see you? Who were you kidding of course he didn’t. You would be lucky if he paid you any mind at all. But what if you had to fight him? Your heart was beating out of your chest as you put on your all-white haori. As you wrapped bandages around your fists and lower arms you breathed out deeply preparing for the worst. You pulled your hair back into two buns and grabbed your quarterstaff before leaving for the school. It had been a long time since you’d had to fight anyone let alone dress in your traditional attire.

You arrive at the school that you heard Mahito mention to Kenjaku the day before. It was the school where Junpei attended. You decided to keep your distance from the fight because you couldn’t give up your position or your plan. When you walk toward the back of the school you see the veil had already been lowered. This was Mahito’s viel which means Kenjaku wasn’t here. He most likely didn’t want to run into Satoru to raise any red flags about your arrival. When you entered the viel you hoped that Mahito had noticed your energy like you planned. You walked through the school and up the stairs. It was dead, where was everyone? There was glass all over the floors from the windows. They must’ve already started fighting. 

You turn the corner to where you thought you heard fighting and that's when you see him. Junpei. No, no, no, you were supposed to protect him. You were too late. Mahito had already gotten his hands on him and turned him into a transmuted beast. You clench your eyes shut as you walk past his body. Your heart sinks and your face twists in anger. Maybe the next part of your plan would be real then. Mahito of course will think you’re putting on a show for the sorcerors like you had planned.

When you walk over to the windowsill you see them. Sukuna’s vessel, Itadori and Nanami were fighting Mahito. Quite frankly, Mahito was getting his ass whooped. You wanted to see how this would play out but that's when you realized one of the most important parts of your plan. Satoru isn’t here. Where was he? Why did they only send Nanami? 

You take a deep breath. Okay, you had two choices. Bail or improvise. You chose the latter. 

With a war cry and your charged cursed energy, you jump from the window and land behind Itadori and Nanami. You tap into your rage and your hair starts emitting cursed lightning that bounces from each of your buns. Your eyes began glowing yellow and you lightly tap your quarterstaff on the ground causing the school courtyard to shake.

“MAHITO!” You scream at the top of your lungs, haste dripping from your tongue. Just as planned, Mahito would change direction and start fighting you. 

Both Itadori and Nanami look your way. Itadori is extremely confused about whether or not you’re also an enemy and when he starts to make his way toward you Nanami reaches his arm out to stop him. He looks back at Nanami and he simply shakes his head signaling him to trust him. 

Mahito then takes the opportunity to shape himself into a giant spiked beast and attempts to slice you where you stand. You jump over his additional spiked body parts and use one of his arms as leverage to jump across to the other side of the courtyard. He tries to hit you again and you redirect his hand using taijutsu and infuse your quarterstaff with cursed lightning and hit him directly in the chest. The impact makes him fly across the courtyard and he starts shaking from the electrical energy in the blast. Damn, you need to dial it back a bit if you want this to be believable. You turn toward Nanami and Itadori. Your eyes meet Nanami’s and your heart flutters in your chest, you haven’t seen him since his hair was long. He was so tall and cute and now he is a big, strong man. His blue dress shirt is snug across his chest and you’re just completely surprised by how much he's grown. His cheeks were much more defined and he was aging like wine. He still wore his signature frown.

Perfect moment to be distracted. Mahito takes the opportunity you give him and turns his arms into little spikes. He pierces the back of your thigh causing you to scream out in pain. What was he doing? This wasn’t the plan. You cry out as you feel two more spikes go through your gut. When he pulls them out you look down to see your all-white haori covered in blood, your blood. Well so much for dialing it back, you trusted Mahito enough to not kill you but maybe that was his plan all along. This fake fight was a ploy for him to kill you.

“Y/N!” Nanami yells out as he runs over to catch you before you fall. 

“N-na-namin” you respond breathlessly as you fall to your knees. There was blood pouring from your mouth. Nanami catches you and you hold your stomach as you shake in his arms. Did Kenjaku know your plan all along? Why would Mahito kill you? You felt yourself slipping out of consciousness and all you could think about was the fact that you wouldn’t get to see Satoru after all. Maybe this was for the best. If you can’t be with Suguru you don’t care whether you lived or died. 

As your eyes start to close you can feel Nanami squeeze you tighter as he hugs you against his chest. You hear Itadori yell out that Mahito is getting away and Nanami tells him to let him go, and that it wasn’t worth it. Then you hear Itadori ask if Nanami knew who you were to which he replied, “Yes, I know her well.” 

---

Two days later

You wake up to the smell of cigarettes and hear muffled talking in the background. When you sit up frantically in shock you see that you are handcuffed to the bed. You begin to panic, your charged cursed energy threatening to spill out until you realize that you recognize where you are. You’re in the medical office at Jujutsu High. You’ve been here for many injuries, most of which were self-inflicted from your training with Satoru. Damn, his stupid infinity, your attacks would almost always bounce back causing you to get hurt. When you look down you see your thigh wrapped in bandages as well as your lower abdomen. 

“That special grade curse got you pretty good.” You scoff at the statement that Mahito was a special grade curse. Screw him. But wait, you know that voice, that sweet voice coated with years of cigarettes and liquor.

“Shoko?” You yell out whipping your head back and forth to search for her.

“Hey squirt, it’s me don’t get all frizzy on me now.” She wheels her chair over to your bed and stands to take your temperature while simultaneously rubbing your head trying to stir up your electrical cursed energy. That’s right, she always called you that because you were a little younger and a little shorter than her. She also loved annoying you by making your hair frizzy. You didn’t even care that she was making your hair a mess, a huge smile was plastered across your face. She looks much older, you bet it's from her bad smoking and drinking habits. She’s still beautiful though, just has dark circles under her eyes and her hair is much much longer. She’s still the same Shoko. God how you missed her. 

“Why am I chained to the bed?” You ask but you already know the answer to that question. 

“You know why squirt…” Her face drops and she wheels away from your bed now. 

“Well, what happens now? Am I to be executed now that I am in the school's possession again?” You ask with a small laugh but deep down you have a genuine concern that that might be the case, this was one of the reasons you never came back after deserting the school with Suguru. 

“You know there are very strong people here that would never allow that to happen.”

Was she talking about Satoru? She had to be. Unless someone else from your class sprouted up and became strong enough to overpower those in charge. You decide to assume she’s talking about Satoru.

“I’m not so sure about that. Last time I saw him he seemed perfectly okay with the idea of me dying.” Your voice gets quiet as you say this, it’s as if the wound is still fresh. You don’t allow her to say anything to that, “Anyways, where is he?”

“He got back yesterday, as soon as he heard you were here.” Suddenly there are butterflies in your stomach. You thought you were going to die at Mahito’s hand but it seems he missed all of your vitals. So you get to see Satoru after all. Why were you suddenly so nervous?

Without warning, the big metal door to the facility opens and you see Shoko stand to greet whoever it is. Part of you hoped it was Satoru and the other part of you was scared shitless. 

“Y/N.” A stern male’s voice states your name causing you to jump a little.

Your eyes start watering, “Nanamin?” You turn your head to see him walking over to you. 

“You know I hate when you call me that.” Nanami gets closer to your bed and unlocks your handcuffs freeing you. You giggle at his defensiveness, it’s good to see he hasn’t gotten any more expressive with his emotions. You jump into his arms and hug him. He is reluctant to return your hug but he ultimately does. You’ve missed him so so much. 

“Why are you freeing me?” You step back and rub your wrists looking down to see they’re starting to bruise. When you reach up you feel a bandage around your neck too. You look at Shoko confused until you remember the moment you had with Kenjaku before you left. You rub the bandage gently reminding you of why you’re here. He had hurt you. You want Suguru back.

“We have some questions.” He reaches around your back and puts new handcuffs around your wrists. He is gentle with his movements though so that he doesn’t hurt you. You sigh, just when you thought you were free. You understood why though, it was going to take a lot of work for anyone here to trust you again. Nanami walks you down the hall to Principal Gakugangi’s office. Memories of this hallway flood your brain. You remember the time you, Satoru, and Suguru raced down this hallway. Of course, Satoru won because he had the longest legs.

You’re brought to a room next to the principal’s office that has a chair seated at the front of the room directly under multiple TV screens. Across from that, there were a bunch of seats that were set up auditorium style. All of your old teachers and classmates were already seated, all except Satoru. You started to explain to ex-principal Yaga and principal Gakuganji why you were there. It was as if you were reading from a script. It was the story you fabricated to get here, although most of it was true. You told Shoko, Nanami, Utahime, Mei-Mei, Gakuganji and Yaga. You wished Satoru was here to listen but you figured there was a reason he wasn’t. You went on about how after you left Jujutsu High years and years ago with Suguru he was possessed by Kenjaku and forced you to work for him. You lied and told them how you heard that Mahito could transmute souls and that you went looking for him to help touch Suguru’s soul to kill Kenjaku inside of him. Everything in your story came together so perfectly, you mentioned how you were fighting Mahito at the school because he had betrayed you and told Suguru your plan and was ultimately trying to kill you. This explained why Itadori told them Junpei saw you at the movies with Mahito and why you were trying to kill him afterward. 

Finally, Utahime spoke up and asked, “Why did you never come back to us, Y/N?” She sounded so dejected as she said this. You were starting to regret coming back at all, it was already stirring up way too many old emotions that you thought you tucked away years ago.

This question hit harder than you expected it to. Your chest started to feel tight. You held your wrists together to wipe your face of the tears that were now spilling out on their own. Bending forward you rest your head in your arms before continuing, “I wanted to come back, trust me I did!” You pause and look at all your old friends sitting on the edge of their seats listening to you with such care in their eyes. “I was scared because of the death penalty and also I wanted to protect you guys the best I could from Suguru, h-he was not himself.” You sniffle and stare down at your bound hands, you internally debate saying this last part but they deserve to know, “a-and, I loved him.” You hesitantly correct yourself, “I do love him.” You’re suddenly brought back to the first few years together with Suguru after you both had abandoned Jujutsu High. You were severely depressed and would cry almost every night to Suguru about how you missed everyone at Jujutsu High and how you wanted to go back. He would comfort you but couldn’t understand your reasoning. He didn’t ask you to follow him and he never really understood why you did. He did, however, reassure you of his love whenever you need it. You don’t think he ever felt sad about his past which allowed him to pour himself into both you and his purpose. 

You watch as everyone’s eyes quickly dart toward the door behind you. When you look over your shoulder with puffy eyes you see what they were looking at. You finally see him. The strongest sorcerer, the man who held the innate gift of the six eyes, your old classmate, your first love, Satoru Gojo. He is, where do you even begin? If your heart wasn’t hurting so bad you could probably talk about how he was taller than the door frame for hours. His hair was slightly longer than you remember and still as white as snow. It sat perfectly on top of his head with a black blindfold that covered his beautiful blue eyes that had been burned into your memory for years. He upgraded from the little black sunglasses you used to steal from him. His lips looked as soft as you remember and when you look down you see his arms crossed over his chest. His arms look so much bigger now that he has grown into his lanky self. He looks strong and his hands are huge. You can’t even focus, the room was spinning and your heart was beating out of your chest. How embarrassing. No one said a thing. You hated that you couldn’t see his eyes. You knew him though, more than probably anyone else in the room. Your presence made him uneasy and nervous just as much as yours did his. He continued to stare at you through his blindfold. Everyone fell into an unbearable silence. It felt like you were swallowing nails every time you took a breath. You wanted him to scream or yell at you, you wanted him to do something other than what he was doing. Your eyes were begging him to take you away from all the eyes in the room so that you could talk one-on-one, but he wouldn’t do that. Not anymore. You wanted to know if he still cared at all if he even missed you.

“I thought I told you not to get distracted in a fight,” Satoru speaks in a calm voice but his posture stiffens against the door as he speaks.

You open your mouth to reply but instead, Principal Yaga interjects and stands before you causing you to turn your attention to him. You just wanted to be anywhere but here. You were now very unsure about whether or not Satoru would allow the higher-ups to kill you or not. Suddenly you feel very small and weak.

“The Kyoto sister school exchange event is about to begin,” he gruffs in annoyance and points to the TVs above your head. “We’re done for today. Gojo, she is your responsibility, put her in the talisman room until we figure out what to do with her.” 

Your head shifts from Principal Yaga to Satoru, suddenly very nervous. The talisman room is where sorcerers bring special-grade human-like curses, “evil” sorcerers, or anyone who poses a threat to the sorcerer world. It was like a holding cell that drained all your cursed energy. It was where the school put those who were on death row. You freeze in your chair when you see Nanami coming over to drag you out of the room.

“N-Nanamin, please, no,” you beg, catching a sob in your throat. 

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” His eyes seem sincere but you knew he had no choice. He walks you over to Satoru who takes the chains on your wrist without saying a word. He is neither gentle nor harsh in the way he leads you down the hall. A tense silence falls around you. This is the closest you’ve been to him in years and you just want things to go back to the way they were. You’re too scared to look at him so you stare at the ground rethinking this whole thing. Should you try to fight Satoru here and now? No, he’s too strong and the others would be behind him. Should you make a break for it and run back to Suguru? No. You stop abruptly causing Satoru’s infinity to hit you causing you to lose your balance. He had his infinity up around you? This was ultimately a test to see if he still trusts you, even a little, but the answer was no. Your heart breaks, things are never going to be the same. Now that you are out of the sight of the others you turn to Satoru as much as your position allows, your last hope was talking to him.

“Satoru,” You hum his name, it coming out much sweeter than you meant for it to. “Please, l-listen to me.” You look up at him and try to ignore how he towers over you. He tilts his head down at you. You’re still unable to see his eyes so you just assume he’s looking at you. “I-I know you don’t trust me anymore…” Your voice wavers as you say this. “But, you’re in danger. Please list-” 

“’m the strongest.” His voice is gruff and cold as he cuts you off. It’s his way of saying ‘Shut up, no I’m not’. 

You start pulling your arms away from him to get him to understand how serious this is. He eventually gives way and you’re now facing him with your hands behind your back. He cockily puts his hands in his pocket allowing you to continue talking. He is straight-faced and almost looks bored. Oh, how you wished you could see his signature Satoru Gojo smile. 

“Suguru has been possessed by a very strong cursed spirit who has lived many lifetimes. He is planning on sealing you away!” Your voice strains as you try to plead with him. 

“Suguru is dead,” His voice is still just as monotone as before. “I should know, I’m the one who killed him.” 

First, your heart drops. Then your eyes widen and your muscles tense up. “What?” You grumble through gritted teeth as you slowly blink up at him as your mind tries to wrap around what he just said. The electric cursed energy you possess begins to flow through you in anger. You can feel the static electricity start to form between the two buns in your hair, like a radio frequency. Your hair begins to float from the friction. Suddenly your arms are free from their shackles. You must’ve tensed up so much that your strength snapped them off.

“That was you?” You say with furrowed brows as your feet naturally start to take a fighting pose. You remember when Kenjaku came back in Suguru’s place that day and explained that he found his body ‘without a host’, aka dead. You didn’t believe it, you never did. Who could’ve possibly killed him? Whoever it was had to be strong, you never guessed it would be Satoru. He was his best friend. And Suguru was still in there. He had to be.

“You know I had to do it. Don’t start this Y/N, you know I’d win.” His hands were still in his pockets and now he was just getting on your nerves. You hated that the first time you heard him say your name again was under these circumstances. 

“You’re just going to have to kill me too,” Your tears stop and you reach your arm out to summon your quarterstaff using your cursed wavelength, after a moment it shatters a window and is in your grip, “Gojo.” You twirl your staff around your head and tap it on the ground making the rest of the windows in the hall shatter. You revert to his last name and for a split second, you think you see him release a pained breath but you no longer care. There was no going back for either of you. You were now enemies. 

You run at him at full speed while building up your cursed energy in your staff. You had no idea how you were going to get him to turn off his infinity but you were okay with it ending here. There was something so beautiful about dying at Satoru’s hand. As soon as you’re close enough, you jump above him and hit right where his head would be. You can see your attack absorbed by his infinity. However, the floor and the wall behind him weren’t as lucky. They both take a huge hit and crumble away. Why wasn’t he fighting back? Why wasn’t he killing you?

Attack after attack after attack, he just allows you to come at him. You’re extremely angry and you feel like you’re going to explode. You throw your quarterstaff at the wall frustrated and instead walk up to him preparing to try hand-to-hand combat. Your lips are trembling now, you’re a sobbing mess. He finally pulls his hands out of his pockets as you incessantly pound on his infinity until you feel it slowly dwindle. Then your arms make contact with his chest. Tears run down your cheeks as your arms feel his heartbeat where they are resting against him  It even annoyed you that his heartbeat came out slower and calmer than yours. Who were you kidding, you didn’t pose a threat to him at all. You may be a special-grade sorcerer but your weakness was him, and maybe you were his too. You fall into him completely exhausted from over-exerting yourself. He allows your forehead to rest on his heart completely swallowed by sadness. You finally gave in and cried your heart out into his chest. He then slowly reaches up to grab your arms, his touch is hesitant but still gentle. It’s almost like he doesn’t want to touch you but does so anyway. He ever so slightly rubs his thumb across your wrist making you raise your head to look at him. Your eyes were wet, your lips were red, and your hair messily fell around your face. You still couldn’t see his eyes, those beautiful eyes, and that stupid blindfold.

“He’s not dead. He can’t be.” You plead again, not even sure what you’re expecting from him anymore. “I-I love him, Satoru.” You can’t believe you’re sitting here telling him this, crying into his chest like you once did what felt like lifetimes ago now,  “I know you once loved him too, he was your best friend. Please, plea-” 

He brings his hand up to your cheek and caresses it softly before bringing his two forefingers up to your forehead and gently draining you of all your energy, ultimately putting you to sleep. Your eyes roll back in your head and you fall limp into his arms. Satoru leans down to pick you up bridal style before walking over to your quarterstaff and picking it up in one swift motion. You were so light in his arms. Your head lulls on his chest as he carries you to the talisman room. Your hair was completely out of place and your lips were slightly parted as if this was the most comfortable sleep you had gotten in a while. He can't help but stare at you through his blindfold as his chest tightens with emotion. You were the same girl he fell in love with years ago, you just matured and there was a certain confidence in the way you carried yourself that you didn’t do before. Your hair was much longer and your cheeks had thinned out a bit with age. It was so strange seeing you again, now his heart was starting to beat fast. He honestly never thought he’d see you again. When he ran into Suguru last year he was sure you would be with him, fighting alongside him… but you weren't. He had hoped that meant you ran away from it all and maybe even married a nice ordinary man, someone you wanted to marry, settled down, had a family like you always talked about, and abandoned sorcery altogether. But here you were not only before his very eyes but in his arms again, still tied up with his best friend and still tied up with jujutsu sorcery. He wondered what you had been through all this time away from him. He had tried to move on, he did. He’s been on plenty of dates with other women and he even tried pursuing both Utahime and Shoko, they were the closest thing he could get and it wasn’t close at all. Shoko knew he was trying to fill your void and she respected herself too much to give in to his motives. Utahime on the other hand liked him back and for a while, they tried dating but in the end, they just weren’t compatible. None of them were you, you hurt way too much. How was it fair that in the end, you chose Suguru? Did you not love him too? Did you just love him more? Why didn’t you stay?

Satoru was suddenly very thankful that you were asleep and that he had a blindfold on, his tears escaped anyway. 

He walked past his room with you in his arms. Part of him wanted to lay you on his bed in hopes that you would wake up and this would all just be a bad dream. You would be back in 2006 laying in his bed again but instead of thinking with his heart, he went with his head. He brought you to the talisman room, sat you in the chair in the center of the room, and left to return to watch the Kyoto Sister School Exchange event.

#bryannawrites #gojo x reader #satoru x reader #geto x reader #suguru x reader #satoru x reader x suguru #jujutsu kaisen #jjk x reader #jjk smut #jujutsu sorcerer #jujutsu gojo #jujutsu geto

[usedpidemo]

What if there was a K-pop based game? Not a Just Dance K-pop edition, but an actual game? What would the gameplay be like? Would you play or buy it? And who should be the first cover idol?

This honestly shouldn't be something I put so much thought into, and it's only scratching the surface, but there's so much material and concepts you could do with a K-pop based game. Other suggestions have already been tackled and explained tactfully, such as gameplay and Career/Story Mode, so here's a list of things and ideas I would like to see in a hypothetical game:

Cover idol:

I think if it’s not BTS or Blackpink, especially for the first game, you’d cause a huge riot. They are far and away the two most popular and recognized K-pop groups of all time, and are basically most Westerners’ gateway to the genre. It makes sense why not them, they’re currently inactive (esp. since BTS are in the military), but I’d argue that you should easily make two cover versions of the game—one with BTS, the other Blackpink. If it has to be one active idol, you could go with many options: Wonyoung, Karina, An Yujin, Yeji, Chaewon, Winter, Seulgi, Sana, Miyeon. It would be cool to have a foreign idol, but it has to be a Korean first, and I’d personally go with Wonyoung. For the Legacy/Legend Editions, I’d pick IU.

MyGM:

You could go three ways with a MyGM mode. Group based, company based, and music show based. All three will have similar gameplay elements, but have different ways and strategies to go about managing a successful group, company or music show. 

MyIdol could be you as a singular group’s manager, scheduling comebacks, concerts, days-off, and so on during a calendar year. There’s a stamina/morale system to balance between working them for profit/popularity and resting them so that none of the members get disgruntled and leave or be sidelined. You’d also have to make decisions for the members’ solo opportunities, line distribution, and more.

MyCompany is larger in scale—you now run an entire company or sublabel (good luck if you’re running Cube or SM lmao). You have to manage every artist’s comebacks and schedules, or else they leave or demand a contract termination. An addition from MyIdol is the ability to sign other idols/artists/trainees on the free agent market and you can add them to existing groups or create new groups with your current roster. 

MyMusicShow would basically be WWE 2K’s MyGM. You’re in charge of a music show/Korean TV station like KBS’ Music Bank or SBS’ Inkigayo and you have to compete with other networks for the best ratings of the week throughout a calendar year. You can negotiate exclusive contracts with other agencies so that their groups can only appear on your programs, as well as managing set designs/TV booking (who wins on your show)/screentime for the artists on your show. 

Universe Mode:

What it says on the tin: you have control over the entire industry and decide who are the top dogs, create special collaborations, send groups on international stages, etc.

Showcase Mode:

Depends on who’s the cover idol: you basically replay some of their most iconic/legendary stages throughout their career. If it were someone like Wonyoung for example, it would include her Very Very Very performance from PD48, that one Love Dive baseball stage, K-Pop Flex 2022, her 2022 Melon Music Awards performance, and so on. You could also do one for whoever’s on the Legend/Legacy Edition cover.

Roster:

Depending on which companies are down for it, I expect all the current 4th/5th gen guys to be available from the start, while 3rd/2nd gen groups are labeled as Legends/Legacy and require some grinding to unlock (with few exceptions). Newer groups would probably be DLC or groups from prominent eras/releases (like 2018 TWICE or 2010 SNSD for example). TheLibrarian’s suggestion of having boy group/girl group only versions is also a possible option, but c’mon, if the NBA and WWE 2K games can include both their men and women’s rosters, I see no reason for the K-pop game not to do the same.

I put so much unnecessary thought into it for some reason, I even tried making concept covers of my own using my ideas and others (they're kinda bad XD). Sorry you had to read through all that.

#asks #question #zeketheknight

[rosequart]

animation is cinema: a primer

there's been recent discussion about animation and how it should be treated as "real" cinema and "real" art for all ages—which is true! but these social media conversations typically only touch on already popular animated films in the U.S.

i've briefly listed what i consider the best international animated films of the past 10 years as a "primer" for people who want to get into more animated movies around the world, beyond well-known directors like miyazki and moore.

there's enough variety in art direction and plot that there's something for everyone: family friendly, war dramas, romantic comedies, horror. anyone is free to add their own recommendations in the reblogs. movies are good! watch them!

boy and the world (o menino e o mundo, 2013)

adventure/family. a boy leaves his small brazilian village and discovers the industrialized city. uses collage alongside traditional animation to tell a story about globalization and capitalism that children can understand. PG.

flee (flugt, 2021)

documentary. follows a boy's escape from afghanistan to denmark, incorporating archival film footage of the time. balances the realities of war and immigration with pockets of levity and warmth. PG-13: warnings for war, human trafficking, implied sexual violence.

josep (2020)

history/drama. a dying military policeman remembers his encounter with catalan artist josep bartolí in a french concentration camp after the spanish civil war. changes art styles depending on the time period. not rated: warnings for war, sexual violence.

loving vincent (2017)

history/drama/mystery. a man retraces vincent van gogh's steps before his death. some truly beautiful art direction, each frame an oil painting. PG-13.

marona's fantastic tale (l'extraordinaire voyage de marona, 2019)

drama/family. follows the life of a little dog and the various people she meets. an eclectic and mesmerizing animation style, paired with a great original score. not rated: warning for animal death.

night is short, walk on girl (夜は短し歩けよ乙女, 2017)

comedy/romance. a college sophomore goes on a series of surreal encounters with the local nightlife, all the while unaware of the romantic longings of her classmate. a unique, simple art style that gets increasingly surreal as the story progresses. PG-13.

the tale of the princess kaguya (かぐや姫の物語, 2013)

drama/historical fantasy. based on the 9th century folktale where an old bamboo cutter discovers a little girl in a stalk of bamboo. beautiful use of watercolor, limited backgrounds, and simple ink strokes to complement a devastating story. PG.

the wolf house (la casa lobo, 2018)

horror/fantasy. a young woman takes refuge in a house in southern chile after escaping from colonia dignidad. surreal use of stop-motion animation that utilizes an entire house: painted walls, moving furniture, paper mâché, and more. not rated: warnings for body horror, general horror elements.

#animation #animated film #world cinema #animation is for everyone #long post

[bedlamsbard]

Hello (almost doctor?!) bard! Hope the tail end of the school year is going okay. I have a plot choices question about Of Home Near, which I just binge read and totally fell in love with. What lead to your choice to leave Bucky and Sam unsnapped? It was done so naturally and it felt like it fit in the narrative so well I had to blink and remind myself that it was canon divergent.

Thank you! I'm into summer semester now, which had darn well better be my last semester.

I don't remember exactly when I decided that Bucky and Sam weren't going to be snapped -- I think Bucky, Sam, and Yelena are the big three that don't get snapped in Home but do get snapped in canon. Part of it is the randomness factor; Steve and Natasha don't get snapped in canon, but in Home they're not even there to be snapped, which changes the number of people who can possibly get snapped. *handwave* So that's the internal logic of why Bucky, Sam, and Yelena are still around in Home but not in canon. (Horizon, which is also an IW AU, has similar internal logic for why characters who are snapped in canon don't get snapped in that fic: the divergence means that there are different people around and in theory the Snap is ~random. Which is also the reason that there are different people snapped/unsnapped in Home, Horizon, and canon -- i.e., Thor gets snapped in Horizon/Yonder but is still around in Home, Alexei is snapped in Home but is still around in Horizon.)

For Bucky and Sam specifically, I don't remember when I made that decision but I think it was very, very early on, possibly even before I started writing. Part of it is just so Steve's life isn't so god damn miserable; the Snap is bad enough as it is. But it's also to balance out the characters in the 1945 timeline: Bucky isn't there in 1945 even though the rest of the Howlies and SSR are, but he is there in 2018. There was never going to be a 1945 Bucky/Winter Soldier in this story. That was never an option; that empty space always had to be there. There was a lot of speculation in the comments right up until Chapter 13 about when the Winter Soldier would appear and it was making me pretty unhinged, since from my POV it could not be more clear that this was not a Save Bucky fic. He was always, always going to be the ghost in the room in 1945.

I knew that Steve and Natasha were always going to make it back to 2018, though the earliest I think I started saying so was in July 2023, since I do talk a lot about my WIPs and I was trying to stay vague about the outcome until then.

To some extent Sam and Bucky survive the Snap for the comedy factor after the return to 2018; it wouldn't have quite the same effect with any of the canonical survivors. Though you'll note the actual reunion goes differently than this! Also yeah the ENTIRE reason that Tony is there in the 2018 sequence is for the comedy factor. That is also the entire reason the Howard/Steve kiss actually made it into the story. I do stuff because I think it's funny and then I add the emotions in once I actually start writing.

I also thought Bucky and Steve having reverse experiences in 1945 and 2018 was funny, tbh. Steve's got the "I would like to not be brainwashed by the USSR" problem and Bucky is speedrunning Steve's usual Avengers problems.

More seriously, part of Bucky and Sam's survival is just so that Steve's team is there in 2018 as well as in 1945 in a way that they really aren't in canon, since the Avengers seem to fall apart after the Endgame prologue -- it's part of the reason Clint shows up at the compound (which he doesn't do in canon). Yelena (and to some extent Clint) is there to balance that out for Natasha, as well as to provide a mirror for the 21st century Red Room vs. the mid-century Department X.

There is another, more practical reason, which is: seeing Bucky in 2018 is an instant "oh SHIT" for the 1945 gang. As soon as he turns up in the time window, that's a clue that there was weird stuff going on that Steve's only began to touch on. And it's also to give Bucky closure on leaving the Howlies and the SSR -- he was ripped away from them as much as Steve was, but I feel like I never see that touched on in the fandom, so he gets some of it back.

This is more about Bucky than it is about Sam; part of that is because I didn't want to snap one and not the other and because Bucky's the one who's more relevant to this particular part of Steve's narrative, the reasoning is more about him than about Sam. But like -- that's Steve's team. They have to be there in 2018, just like the Howlies are there in 1945.

(I do think that because I didn't snap anyone in Home who didn't also get snapped in canon that there are too many Avengers survivors, especially because I have Clint and Yelena show up at the compound, but I also didn't want to snap anyone who survived canonically. And it ended up being most of Team Cap, minus Wanda, so it does end up feeling unbalanced, but I didn't want to kill anyone else off.)

#really truly any time I say 'I just think it would be funny if --' #I REALLY DO think it would be funny and then I make it work #the emotions are second to me thinking something that is arguably not that funny is funny #themightytrivia #bedlam replies #home behind the scenes

[duchessofostergotlands]

I am a bit of an anti monarchist myself but who does enjoy the fashion and talk of making what is an antiquated form of government somewhat doable in the modern age. Which royal family do you think does a good job of balancing or ushering in modernity?

Sorry it took me so long to answer this! It's difficult because in my typical fashion I want to ramble about what modernity actually means and how some royal families aren't expected to be modern, some aspects of modern life don't suit the monarchy. But I've tried to chill out and just answer this in the way it's intended lol. And so I'd say the Scandinavians but Norway in particular:

Harald has done an excellent job of adapting to social norms, especially for someone of his generation. His speech about Norway being a place for everybody will go down in history. We expect younger royals to be more inclusive but to have that coming from the top was very significant, and yet he did it in a way that didn't overstep his boundaries. And it was backed up by action. For example back in 2018, Harald talked about Me Too but earlier that year a new zero tolerance policy around sexual harassment had been introduced at court. So it's not just about saying one thing in public and doing something else in private.

They manage to keep elements of their life private while still making you feel like they've given you access. Think of Ingrid's 18th speeches. They felt so personal and like we'd just been invited to a family friend's birthday, and yet if you read them back they didn't give away anything intimate. That is really difficult.

This is something common across Scandinavia but the fact they stop and speak to the press at engagements (on the record), including answering criticism or difficult questions. That makes it feel like they understand the role of a free press and don't just want the attention when it benefits them.

They are part of international institutions like the UN without it seeming like they've forgotten their own countries and the people who pay their bills.

Harald and Haakon have both shown you can have a healthy monarchy and a healthy family. Not many people can say they fired their own daughter/sister and still get on!

#ask #anon #norwegian royal family

[mariacallous]

Global governance, never really settled, has recently been having an especially hard time. Everyone believes in a rules-based system, but everyone wants to make the rules and dislikes it when the rules work against them, saying that they infringe on their sovereignty and their freedom. There are deep asymmetries, with the powerful countries not only making the rules but also breaking them almost at will, which raises the question: Do we even have a rules-based system, or is it just a facade? Of course, in such circumstances, those who break the rules say they only do so because others are, too.

The current moment is a good illustration. It is the product of longstanding beliefs and power relations. Under this system, industrial subsidies were a no-no, forbidden (so it was thought) not just by World Trade Organization rules, but also by the dictates of what was considered sound economics. “Sound economics” was that set of doctrines known as neoliberal economics, which promised growth and prosperity through, mostly, supposedly freeing the economy by allowing so-called free enterprise to flourish. The “liberal” in neoliberalism stood for freedom and “neo” for new, suggesting that it was a different and updated version of 19th-century liberalism.

In fact, it was neither really new nor really liberating. True, it gave firms more rights to pollute, but in doing so, it took away the freedom to breathe clean air—or in the case of those with asthma, sometimes even the most fundamental of all freedoms, the freedom to live.

“Freedom” meant freedom for the monopolists to exploit consumers, for the monopsonists (the large number of firms that have market power over labor) to exploit workers, and freedom for the banks to exploit all of us—engineering the most massive financial crisis in history, which required taxpayers to fork out trillions of dollars in bailouts, often hidden, to ensure that the so-called free enterprise system could survive.

The promise that this liberalization would lead to faster growth from which all would benefit never materialized. Under these doctrines that have prevailed for more than four decades, growth has actually slowed in most advanced countries. For instance, real growth in GDP per capita (average percent increase per annum) according to data compiled by the St. Louis Fed, was 2.5% from 1960 to 1990, but slowed to 1.5% from 1990 to 2018. Instead of trickle-down economics, where everyone would benefit, we had trickle-up economics, where the top 1 percent and especially the top 0.1 percent, got a larger and larger slice of the pie.

These are illustrations of British political theorist Isaiah Berlin’s dictum that “total liberty for wolves is death to the lambs”; or, as I have sometimes put it less gracefully, freedom for some has meant the unfreedom of others—their loss of freedom.

Just as individuals rightly cherish their freedom, countries do, too, often under the name “sovereignty.” But while these words are easily uttered, there is too little thought about their deeper meanings. Economics has weighed into the debate about what freedom and sovereignty mean, with John Stuart Mill’s contribution in the 19th century (On Liberty), and Milton Friedman’s and Friedrich Hayek’s works in the mid-20th (Capitalism and Freedom and The Road to Serfdom).

But contrary to what Hayek and Friedman asserted, free and unfettered markets do not lead to efficiency and the well-being of society; that should be obvious to anyone looking around. Just think of the inequality crisis, the climate crisis, the opioid crisis, the childhood diabetes crisis, or the 2008 financial crisis.  These are crises created by the market, exacerbated by the market, and/or crises which the market hasn’t been able to deal with adequately.

Economic theorists (including me) have shown that whenever there is imperfect information or imperfect markets (that is to say, always), there is a presumption that markets are not efficient. Even a very little bit of imperfection can have big effects.

The problem is that much of the global economic architecture designed over recent decades has been based on neoliberalism—the kinds of ideas that Hayek and Friedman put forward. The system of rules that evolved from there must be fundamentally rethought.

From an economist’s perspective, freedom is the “freedom to do,” meaning the size of the opportunity set of what a person can do, or the range of the choices that are available.

Someone on the verge of starvation has no real freedom—she does what she must to survive. A rich person obviously has more freedom to choose. “Freedom to do” is also constrained when an individual is harmed. Obviously, if an individual is killed by a gunman or a virus, or even hospitalized by COVID-19, he has lost freedom in a meaningful sense, and we then have a dramatic illustration of Berlin’s dictum: Freedom for some—the freedom to carry guns, or to not be masked, or to be unvaccinated—may entail a large loss of freedom for others.

The same principle applies to the international arena. The rules-based trade system consists of a set of rules intended to expand the freedoms of all in a meaningful way by imposing constraints. The idea that constraints can be freeing, while seemingly self-contradictory, is obvious: Stoplights force us to take turns going through intersections, but without this seeming constraint, there would be gridlock and no one would be able to move.

All contracts are agreements about constraints—with one party agreeing to do or not do something in return for another person making other promises—with the belief that in doing so, all parties will be better off. Of course, if one party cheats and doesn’t deliver on its promise, then that party gains at the expense of others. And there is always the temptation to do so, which is why we require governments to enforce contracts, so that promises mean something. No government could enforce all contracts, and the so-called free market would crash if all participants were grifters.

But while there are similarities between discussions of freedom at the individual level and the country level, there are also a couple of big differences. Most importantly, there is no global government to ensure that the powerful countries obey an agreement, as we are seeing today in the case of U.S. industrial subsidies. The World Trade Organization (WTO) generally forbids such subsidies and especially disapproves of some of the provisions—such as requiring domestic manufacturing (“Made in America”)—in legislation passed recently by the U.S. Congress, including the CHIPS and Science Act.

Moreover, within democratic countries, the role of power in the making and enforcement of the rules is often obscure; we know that inequalities in wealth and income get translated into inequalities in political power, which determines who gets to design the rules and how they are enforced. An imbalance of power means that the powerful within a country determine the rules in ways that benefit them, often at the expense of the weak.

Still, the democratic context means that every once in a while, power is checked—as it was when the antitrust laws were passed in the United States in the latter part of the 19th century, or the Wagner Act was passed during the New Deal of the 1930s, giving workers more power.

In an international setting, power is even more concentrated, and democratic forces are even weaker. What has happened in the past few years illustrates this. The United States was at the center in constructing the rules-based system, in both designing the rules and how they were to be enforced, including dispute resolutions through the WTO’s Appellate Body.  But when the rules—such as those concerning industrial subsidies—were inconvenient, it decided to ignore them, knowing that there was little, if anything, that any country could or would do about it. So much for the rules-based system.

And the United States’ confidence that nothing could or would be done was reinforced by the fact that it had effectively defenestrated the Appellate Body, because that Body had made decisions it didn’t like, and the U.S. thought that the Body was guilty of overreaching, going beyond what it was entitled to do. But rather than going back to the WTO and clarifying what the Body’s role should be, the U.S. simply hamstrung any adjudication within the WTO. The situation would be like suspending the U.S. Supreme Court while figuring out how to bring the justices back to a reasonable theory of jurisprudence.

This imbalance of power has played out repeatedly in recent years. When developed countries attempted to implement industrial policies—even mild policies, such as Brazil’s effort to provide capital to aerospace corporation Embraer at reasonable interest rates through that country’s development bank (as opposed to the outlandishly high rates then prevailing in its financial markets)—they were attacked. When Indonesia tried to ensure that more of the added value associated with its rich nickel deposits remained in Indonesia, it was attacked.

To win the hearts and minds in the new cold war brewing between the United States and China, the United States needs to do more. Washington needs to use the money it has to provide assistance to the poor, and the power that it possesses to construct rules that are fair. Nowhere is that more evident than in response to the debt crisis that the United States faces today and the recent pandemic, another of which the world will almost surely face in the future.

With most sovereign debt contracts written in the United States, Washington has the power to change the legal framework governing these contracts in ways that make the resolution of crises—where countries can’t pay back what they owe—faster and better. This approach would address the “too little, too late” problem by which one crisis is followed by another, which has plagued the world for so long. With more creditors entering the field, debt resolution is becoming ever more difficult. There are important proposals currently before the New York legislature (where most of the money is raised), but support from the Biden administration would be enormously helpful.

The world has just gone through a terrible pandemic, and the recognition that there will be another has spurred work on a proposed pandemic preparedness treaty. Unfortunately, under the influence of Big Pharma, there are no provisions in the treaty for the kind of intellectual property waiver that the world so badly needs, let alone the technology transfer that would allow the production of all the products—protective gear, vaccines, and therapeutics—necessary to fight the next disease that strikes.

The freedom to live is the most important freedom that we have. Our global agreements have not balanced our freedoms in the way they should. Better global agreements can benefit all countries, though not necessarily all people within them: Such agreements would constrain the power of the exploiters to exploit the rest of us, thereby making a dent on their bottom line, but they would benefit society more generally.

Striving to create global agreements that are fair and generous to the poor would, I believe, be in the United States’ self-interest—in its “enlightened” self-interest, taking into account the new geoeconomics and geopolitics. It was never in the United States’ self-interest to pursue a corporatist global agenda, even when it was the hegemon. But it is especially not so today.

[freifraufischer]

Let’s talk about German gymnastics...

The above picture is Pauline Schäfer-Betz (25--who has the amazing middle name of Sieglinde), Kim Bui (33), and Elisabeth Seitz (28).  Between them they have been on 8 Olympic teams and Bui was an alternate for the 2008 team.  Every so often someone in the gymternet (even the actual Gymter.net) will wring their hands and worry about the fact that Germany is leaning on these older athletes and be concerned that there aren’t people to replace them when they retire.

This is a cultural misreading of German gymnastics philosophy.

But to explain why let’s first start with these three amazing women.   Schäfer-Betz was the 2017 World Champion on balance beam, and took a silver medal on beam at the 2021 World Championships, and bronze at the 2015 World Championships making her one of the most decorated beamers currently competing not named Simone Biles.  She also is one of my favorite floor workers of all time.   Schäfer is known for having lower difficult but winning with extremely clean execution (though she has a criminally under valued beam skill named after her that will looks impossible when you see it).  @darthmelyanna calls it witchcraft which is rather fitting when you watch her beam choreography.

Eli Seitz has made 3 straight uneven bars finals (6th in London, 4th in Rio, 5th in Tokyo), having won a world medal on the bars in 2018 and came in 9th in the Tokyo Olympic all around.  Here are her Olympic bars routines:  2012, 2016, 2020(1).

Kim Bui’s gymnastics resume isn’t quite as storied though she is a regular AA and event finalist at Europeans, Worlds, and Olympics and provides solid team scores.  Here are her events from 2021 Europeans.  To me she lovely to watch because of how much joy she brings to every performance, but the remarkable thing to know about Bui besides that she’s a high level international gymnast at 33 years old is that she has a masters degree in biomedical engineering and spends half her day in a laboratory doing cancer research.  In case you were feeling accomplished about yourself today.  Except Bui would tell you that you are doing great because she’s that kind of person.

These are not women who are “holding on”, they are still highly competitive athletes at the top of their game who are also leaders beyond their sport.  In 2021 these three women began a movement in German gymnastics to show that gymnasts didn’t have to wear leotards but had other options if they didn’t feel comfortable.  In their statements to the press they talked about not liking the kinds of pictures they found of themselves after competitions and the way people talked about their bodies rather than their sport.

Because gymnastics fans are used to seeing a name for a quad or two the fact that they see these three women consistently from Germany makes a lot of people reflexively assume that there aren’t those younger gymnasts that would replace them.  The reality is that they are a core of a team that often includes younger gymnasts (who often also medal with non-Schäfer/Seitz/Bui Germans taking medals in 2016 and 2017.  A lot of the handwringing compares the Germans to the Romanians who kept sending older great athletes to competitions while burning through young ones.  I think this is a misunderstanding of the German program which emphasizes wanting longer sustainable careers rather than immediate medals.  Seitz went to 12 straight world or Olympic games before finally taking a break for the 2021 Worlds (which was only months after the Olympics).  Bui has had ACL injuries and come back better than she was before.  

Gymnastics as a modern sport was born in Germany as both military training and philosophy for a whole and healthy life.  The modern German program has jettisoned some of the... more problematic... elements of turner philosophy and embraced a modern one which I think they see Kim Bui and her scientist/world class athlete life as the example of.  They are proud of their young talents but they want their young talents to be around for a very long time.  

And I think a good example of this is going on this week at the European Youth Olympic Festival.  A large multisport competition for juniors.  Helen Kevric, who might be the single most exciting junior gymnast competing right now who will turn senior just in time for Paris, won the all around title and lead the German team to silver ahead of much more “traditional” gymnastics powers.  She has 3 days straight of finals this week and on the first rather than throwing all the difficulty she was capable of which likely could have given Germany a gold medal she instead was allowed to throw slightly less difficulty to save her body not just for the next few days but for the next few years.  The Germans took a silver today not because they lucked into it or because they weren’t good enough, but because sanity tells them that a single European Youth Olympic Festival gold is not worth unnecessary risk to a young athlete.  Something that would be unthinkable in almost any other country.

Do not mistake people prioritizing sustainable careers for decline.  I try not to get my heart set on juniors.  So many of them never make it to the senior ranks or burn out early.  I’m still holding by breath to see Kevric in Paris because she’s a stunning gymnast.  But I am more confident that I will see her there than a junior from any other country.  And I hope that in eight years I’ll still be writing about how amazing Helen Kevric is.

#gymnastics

[maaarine]

The Interoceptive Mind: From Homeostasis to Awareness (ed. Manos Tsakiris and Helena De Preester, 2018)

"In accordance with our conceptualization of interoception and empirical findings, we assume dysfunctional interoception to lie at the core of maladaptive eating and EDs, of related dysfunctions of embodied cognition, as well as deficient unity and stability of an embodied self.

 The perception and knowledge of one’s own body is due to co-perception and integration of the different sensory information (visual, tactile, proprioceptive, and interoceptive) that enables an individual to gain an accurate perception of one’s own body.

We suggest that in EDs, integrative multisensory processes, forming the self are basically disturbed, by this supporting what Hilde Bruch recognized: that at the root of EDs, especially and most deeply in AN, is fundamentally a deficit of the self.

The self may be considered as an integrative structure of the mind that organizes and coordinates affective, cognitive, social, sensorimotor, and vegetative functions with regard to interoceptive and exteroceptive stimuli from one’s own body and the environ- ment.

Recent accounts suggest that the integrative function of the self (i.e. its ability to integrate cognitive, affective, and conative functions) as well as its diachronic function (i.e. the experience of a consistent self over time indicated by one’s identity) is profoundly compromised in EDs.

This implies problems in integrating one’s own internal experiences within a meaningful narrative of the self as persisting across time, which results in an unstable sense of self that weakens related functions like self-esteem, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. (…)

This is suggested to lead to pervasive weakness of the integrative functions of the self, which may explain why certain personality traits that are common to AN become rigid, such as high harm avoidance, low self-directedness, and perfectionism.

This view is in accord with Gaete and Fuchs (2016) who state that EDs may be characterized by an embodied defense, so that patients experience their own bodies primarily as objects, at the expense of the “subject body.”

This is based on a phenomenological approach of psychopathologies of embodiment by Fuchs and Schlimme (2009), who differentiate between the body that one “pre-reflectively” lives, the lived or “subject body” (implicit in one’s ongoing experience), and the physical body (that appears as an object of conscious attention, and that one can perceive or that is perceived by others), the “object body.”

This means that the body has a double or ambiguous experiential status, with an ongoing oscillation between these bodily modes as a foundation of all experiences.

It is to conclude, that an adaptive, healthy self emanates when we are able to integrate “subject” and “object body” fluctuations continuously in a balanced way, balancing the inner and outer self."

#the interoceptive mind #manos tsakiris #helena de preester #book #tw ed #tw eating disorder

[dangertoozmanykids101]

Brush And Floss To Fight Cavities And Other Villains

I forgot I even wrote this first half of a story - back in January of 2020.

SUMMARY: You'll never believe what happened to poor Tom today. He really got sent through the wringer - quite the rollercoaster of a day. But don't worry, Tom is going to tell you all about it. "It all started with this dream I had...."

But first let me blame @maryxglz for starting my morning off today far too fixated on young Tom and his teeth. Our dearest @maryxglz has been fueling our community with the most beautiful gifs for years. Look at this one! (Link to full post in blue.)

@maryxglz posted the above gif back in Dec 2018 in a perfect set of three all looping with perfect timing to showcase his mouth - those lips, that little tongue that peeks out in another gif, and those gleaming white teeth. And I haven't even mentioned the way those eyelashes brush his skin when they flutter closed like a butterfly sunning itself on my finger.

Only for his eyes to open back up with those pale ocean blue eyes that sparkle with ... GOD they are seductive! @maryxglz you have done it again!! He looks like a little coquette that I want to gobble up piece by piece!

[Clearing my throat, unsuccessfully trying to rid my voice of that hoarse gravely growl that undermines my desperate attempt to appear non-predatory.]

Brush And Floss To Fight Cavities And Other Villains

So after spending half my morning fixated on his teeth in this filthy erotic gif above that @maryxglz made, I remembered a stupid crack fic I started back in Jan 2020 that y'all may or may not get a kick out of. You tell me? It's 2111 words and somewhere I have a second chapter started. On AO3 I tagged it with warnings such as minor violence, dreams vs. reality, nightmares, teeth, tooth fairy, alternate reality, RPF Tom Hiddleston, crack fiction, I must've been on crack to write this. Sorry, no smut. It's not really RPF though - just a guy named Tom who looks exactly like the guy in the above gif by @maryxglz Enjoy.

This is from Tom's POV.

You know what saved me? Pilates. I was able to finally buck my hips hard enough to knock her off balance and free my legs from under me.

So it all started with this dream I had last night. You're going to think I'm crazy, but please hear me out.

In my dream, I woke up lying in bed still dressed, smelling like a saloon, and feeling like I'd been in a bar fight. My tongue was cracked and grooved from dehydration and mouth breathing; it felt like the floor of a desert and probably looked even worse. When I opened my eyes, I saw none other than the tooth fairy hovering above my bed with her face maybe 10 inches from mine. She was intently staring at my mouth until I snapped it shut. I was left with this awkward violated feeling, like she had seen me dancing naked in the kitchen.

"You're awake! Oh wonderful. This will be so much easier now." Her face lit up when she saw my eyes open. Her wings moved so fast that I hadn't noticed them until she did a happy spin with an extra swoop-dee-loop and flutter that scattered gold fairy dust all over me and the bed. Some got into my nose which I accidentally inhaled, sending me into a painful coughing fit. At some point I made the mistake of licking my lips; it tasted disgusting and bitter.

Once my cough settled down, I stared at her in disbelief, trying to figure out what or who she was. I hadn't noticed yet that I was dreaming, a concept still far out of reach, nor was I privy to the fact that she was after my teeth. I just felt groggy, still two sheets to the wind with my head feeling thick and fragile, so my mind wandered trying to remember why I would be hung over and where I had gone that night dressed in a tuxedo. In real life I knew I had stayed home, but my attire and the state of my health told another story.

During my internal debate of truth, facts, and misconceptions, the tooth fairy was flipping through some notebook mumbling to herself. All I could understand were random numbers she rattled off in no obvious sequence before she slammed the book shut.

"Right-ee-o then. You are Thomas William Hiddleston, correct?" She smiled with a very business-like receptionist's smile that was as superficial as her gold leaf lipstick.

"Yes." I had no idea what else to say since she wasn't wrong.

"Good. Now open wide please so I can take inventory."

I hadn't realized how little she was. Her face was so close to mine when she spoke that I could barely focus. Otherwise, she hovered beside the bed, slightly floating up and down and still far enough away to skew with my depth perception. Without my glasses or contacts in she was little more than a white blur that far away, appearing to float like an apparition or some energy being. I thought maybe she was an angel, since she wore white and her skin had a gold shine to it, as though she was her own nightlight.

When her hands grabbed my lips and pulled my mouth open, I was shocked that her hands were no bigger than a raccoon or maybe a tiny monkey. Her face came closer to look directly into my mouth. I just laid there and let her do whatever she wanted. I wasn't scared yet, just super weirded out and hoping the examination would be over soon.

She reached in and moved my tongue from one side to the other as she counted to herself, and mumbled things like:

"Yep."

"I knew it."

"Oh, that's no good."

"Yep. That one too."

"Well, that one can wait."

Leaning back she wrote some more things into her little notebook and shook her head. She scratched her chin furiously before writing more, then shook her head again.

"They are not going to be happy about this," she muttered to herself, but her voice was loud enough for me to hear.

In an attempt to lighten the mood as well as distract myself, I couldn't resist the urge to say anything to fill the silence. It didn't matter what I said, as long as I said something. This was unfortunate since what spilled out of my mouth was moronic.

"Well Doc, am I going to live or not? Just give it to me straight, Doc." I used some weird American accent that I couldn't identify, let alone tell you why I used it. I just felt stupid after I spoke out loud. The only other sound in the room was the low whir of her wings beating as fast as a hummingbird. Besides that, the silence was deafening, an assassin to any performer's ego. She completely ignored me as though I hadn't said a word. I'll admit that this wasn't a shock, since my comedic delivery needed a lot of work.

Without even acknowledging me, she put away her notebook somewhere and took a surgical mask out of her pocket. A little metal arm swung down from atop her head that had a huge magnifying glass attached to the end. The lens covered half of her face and from my view her eye was enlarged just as big as the lens.

"Okey dokey Tommy my dear. There is nothing to be afraid of. This will just take a few minutes and it won't hurt a bit. You'll only feel a tiny little bee sting."

"Bee sting?!" I jumped up and scrambled back across the bed. "WHAT isn't going to hurt? Because a bee sting DOES hurt! How do you know I'm not allergic to bee stings?"

“Tommy boy. Stay still." She advanced on my position until I fell off the bed.

I did a backflip, or more accurately a clumsy back roll and belly flop off the bed landing flat onto my face. Keeping my body low to the ground, I tried to crawl away from the bed toward the door. I didn't want to spook her since she seemed unpredictable.

Her advance was steady until I started to crawl, then she whipped around to block my path to the door and flew at me like a bat out of Hel. Knocking me back, the little demon planted herself on my chest trapping my knees still bent underneath me. This left me in an awkward and uncomfortable position with my arms pinned to my sides under her thighs. She may have been tiny, but no amount of wiggling and pushing would budge her. The laws of physics did not apply to this creature. Though she was tiny, she was fierce and weighed a ton.

The comedy of the scene was surreal; I, a very fit six foot two inch man, just got taken down and completely incapacitated by some little pixie devil the size of a large raccoon with wings.

She studied my eyes; she didn't look into them but AT them, first one and then the other, studying them as though she was reading a story we couldn't see, or listening to music we couldn't hear. I watched her facial expressions intensely, trying to interpret something, anything that she might give away.

"Can you hear me Tommy?"

I nodded. I thought I could hear her. My eyes were as big as saucers, so maybe I just saw her talk while my brain made assumptions about what she said. I rapidly blinked a few times to verify that my eyes were indeed open, but I couldn't figure out how to verify that my ears were turned on.

"OK. Good. I'm going to take three teeth, and then you can go back to sleep."

THREE? .... THREE TEETH!!

I shook my head violently, partially to make sure I was hearing things correctly, partially to rattle some things lose in case I was going crazy, and partially because I was really hoping this was a dream. I continued to shake my head plus as much of my upper body that I could, because there was no way in Hel I would let her near my mouth. I held my lips pursed so tight she would have needed a crowbar to get inside. She tried to grab the sides of my head to steady me, but I just thrashed harder.

"You need to settle down Mr. Hiddleston. Just open your mouth and you'll never even miss them. I promise! But I'm not leaving here tonight without them."

Anger and contempt formed in her eyes. Her hand pulled back and she swung. She slapped me so hard that I heard a bell ring.

In that stunned moment my mouth fell open and those tiny little monkey hands of hers dove into my mouth. She grabbed ahold of one of my molars and started yanking at it. I've never before felt anything so bizarre or disturbing.

If that little angel hadn't fallen from heaven already, she surely would soon. The anger in her eyes glowed like the flames of Hel as she glared at me; she looked scary. Those tiny little hands pushed down on my windpipe at just the right spot. With the creepiest smile flashing large bright white perfectly straight teeth, she watched me struggle and gasp for air. I slammed my knees into her back several times, but she didn't budge.

"Well my dear sweet Tommy-Boy, looks like we'll have to anesthetize you in order to retrieve what we are due. Now just close your eyes. That's it. Go to sleep."

The lack of oxygen to my brain started to take its toll. I stared up and the world slowly was swallowed by a black cloud encircling her so she became this golden flame still visible inside my rapidly diminishing vision; she was the only light within a vast darkness. The irises of her eyes spiraled with green and gold as everything grew darker and darker until all I could see were those eyes and hear her saying "Tommy-Boy" over and over again.

It was terrifying! I thought I was going to die.

With my last ounce of strength before I completely succumbed to an unconscious void, with one last abdominal crunch to literally save my life, my knees hit her back with enough force to push her off me.

I sat up, coughing and drawing as much air into my lungs as I could, but no sooner had I caught my breath that she knocked it right out of me again. I heard this shrill scream behind me seconds before I felt the impact. She flew full throttle into my back and sent me rolling across the floor.

With my adrenaline pumping overtime by this point, I felt like Kong as I stood up and reached for her as she flew around me just outside of my grasp. Swooping in and out, stabbing me repeatedly with something sharp, she hissed in response to my roars.

Then I got her!

My giant gorilla hand wrapped around her ankle and threw her to the ground. Dust plumed up from the carpet like a cloud, leaving a small crater on my bedroom floor.

Finally I had knocked the wind out of her giving me the upper hand for a mere moment, but that was plenty of time. I roared into her face with the fury of a wild animal before grabbing her feet. Lifting her up into the air like a rag doll, I slammed her body back down to the ground again and again and again.

Eventually she just disappeared out of my hands in a sparkling puff of smoke, leaving me standing alone and bewildered. I sat back down on the edge of the bed staring at the state of my room wondering how I would ever explain the damage to the floor, especially considering that every surface of my room was covered with a sparkling gold glitter.

Looking at my hands and legs, I was covered with the same glowing gold dust. I couldn't rub it off no matter how hard I tried. Finally I just gave up and flung myself back onto the bed absolutely exhausted.

'What the fuck just happened to me?` was all I could think as I drifted back to sleep.

"Tom! Tom!"

I felt something kicking at my leg still dangling off the bed, and I heard myself grunting with each kick to the shin. That sensation was real, very real. My shin would surely develop a huge bruise quickly.

"Ouch!" I finally moaned almost intelligibly.

"Thomas William Hiddleston! Wake up you asshole!"

I'm just tagging a handful of people off the top of my head who might have a good laugh or remember the first time I posted this. @nildespirandum @ladyoftheteaandblood @caffiend-queen @redfoxwritesstuff @myoxisbroken @imanuglywombat @jtargaryen18 @so-easy-to-love-me @acidcasualties @americasass81 @muddyorbs @lokisgoodgirl @frostbitten-written @talklokitome @latent-thoughts @mooncat163 @fictive-sl0th @mastreworld @gigglingtiggerv2 @deceitfuldevout @lokischambermaid @mochie85 @alexakeyloveloki @devikafernando @holymultiplefandomsbatman

[virtchandmoir]

Scott Moir, Kaitlyn Weaver advocates of gender-expansive ice dance and pairs figure skating teams

January 11, 2023

Canadian ice dancer Kaitlyn Weaver says, as an LGBTQ2S+ person, her sport has never fully reflected her lived experience.

Skate Canada has rewritten its policy that specifies ice dance and pairs team must comprise a man and a woman, a rule change that has Weaver and two-time Olympic ice dance champion Scott Moir as its biggest advocates — and could revolutionize the stuffy figure skating world.

Canada, which is the first country in the world to make such a move, plans to push for an international rule change at the next ISU congress in 2024.

"There's so many different ways that it can impact young people," Weaver said. "But as an ice dancer, and especially as a queer person growing up that didn't know she was queer, seeing different stories represented and different partnering, different types of identities on the ice, would have been very liberating for me."

As of next season, pairs and ice dance skaters — up to the Canadian championships, but not beyond — need only be two skaters.

"This is meant to be gender inclusive, so it doesn't matter how you identify yourself, if you're a skater, you're welcome," said Skate Canada president Karen Butcher.

"We'd like to be leaders in the sport no matter what, and we believe that this change is the right thing for more skaters in Canada, and by extension around the world to be able to enjoy skating and have more opportunities," she added. "Why not examine it and see what changes can be made?

"If we're not constantly looking at how do we make our sport better, we're going to die."

Weaver, a two-time Olympian with partner Andrew Poje, said Canada's rule change has been the "talk of the figure skating world," and she was pleasantly surprised to see Russian Maxim Grinkov, who won Olympic pairs gold in 2014 with Tatiana Volosozhar, support the move.

"Max said, 'Why not? A skater is a skater, and if you can do the elements, then who's to say that it's any different?' and I think that, coming out of Russia, that's a big statement," Weaver said.

Moir and partner Tessa Virtue became the most decorated ice dancers in history when they won Olympic gold in 2018. The 35-year-old Moir now coaches the Ice Academy of Montreal's satellite program in London, Ont., and said, because there are far more female skaters than male, removing the gender stipulation could have a huge impact on keeping girls and women in the sport.

"Seeing so many women that want to ice dance, and not having the opportunity because that partner doesn't come along or what have you," Moir said.

He added that he and Virtue had a true 50/50 partnership on the ice, where the strength of their elements came from the two of them equally.

"We have a really unique opportunity in skating where you have the balance of grace and athleticism, where the body type or the body build, the pure science of what the traditionalists would call an advantage, I don't really see that," Moir said. "I see the fact that we have an opportunity to tell a new story and to have a new look.

"And what is the advantage? If traditionalists think that two women can't do lifts, I'm eager to prove them wrong. Or two men together can't be graceful in this era, I'm eager to prove them wrong. Because I don't believe that. I see an even playing field and a fantastic opportunity to get more people involved in figure skating. And that's always something I'm passionate about."

Moir believes that with the advancement in women's sport, and specifically skating, that the best skaters in the world right now are female. Women are reeling off triple axels. Kamila Valieva of Russia became the first woman to land a quadruple jump at the Olympics last year, at age 15.

"That female-female team is going to be hard to compete against," Moir said. "I just keep going back to: I'm happy I didn't have to compete against a Tessa Virtue and Tessa Virtue team."

Moir realizes there could be a backlash against the policy change, and hopes that skaters don't pay a price or face bullying.

News that artistic (formerly synchronized) swimming would now permit two male swimmers per team in the team event caused an uproar recently.

"I think it's ridiculous. It's small-minded, right?" he said. "In this next generation, hopefully we're starting to let people identify how they want to people. That's all it has to be. And whatever your background is, or however you identify, you should be able to participate in sport and that get the lessons that (sport) offers."

While the teams at this week's Canadian championships in Oshawa, Ont., will see only traditional male/female duos, both Moir and Weaver hope to see the rule change, which received a unanimous vote from Skate Canada's board of directors, reflected in next year's fields.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with the stories we're telling, (but) I think there's room for so much more," said Weaver, a three-time world senior medallist. "My queerness has a big part in why I felt especially motivated to help push this forward. We don't see young people in our sport that are not heteronormative … and I think that that's a problem.

"Canadians belong on the ice. And if there's a group of people that don't feel like that, it's our job to make sure that becomes a reality. And a visual reality. Kids can't be what they can't see. And if we can make space for everyone, I think that our sport and our country will be much richer for it."

Weaver has worked with American pair team Anna Kellar, a nonbinary trans athlete, and Erica Rand, who hoped to compete at the American national championships, but U.S. rules still stipulate a team must comprise a male and female.

Canada was also one of the world's first countries to drop the term "ladies" in figure skating, switching to "women's singles" over a decade ago. The ISU only recently dropped the relic. Women were called "women" at the Olympics for the first time in 2022.

This report by The Canadian Press was first published Jan. 11, 2023.

—CTV News

#scott #off ice #interview: ctv news #canada will be on the right side of #history #the question is how long before others catch up

[thehappybroadcast]

Finland first topped the World Happiness Report in 2018. The country has remained at the top of the rankings based on how the people there describe their personal sense of "wellbeing," according to the publication. The happiness score also considers countries' gross domestic product, social support systems, personal freedom and levels of corruption. We believe Finnish happiness stems from a close relationship with nature and our down-to-earth lifestyle," Heli Jimenez, Business Finland's senior director of international marketing said. "It's not some mystical state, but a skill that can be learned and shared." Those selected for the Masterclass of Happiness will work with coaches in four areas: nature and lifestyle, health and balance, design and everyday, and food and wellbeing. The happiness class will be held at the Kuru Resort in the Finnish Lakeland from June 12-15, with participants arriving on June 11 and leaving on June 16. Visit Finland will cover all costs for 10 people. Those interested in applying have until April 2. Applicants, who must be at least 18 years old, will have to complete a social media challenge on Instagram or TikTok in which they post a video "showing us what things make you believe you may secretly be a Finn," according to Visit Finland. Source: CBS News (link in bio) #finland #happiness #travel #goodnews https://www.instagram.com/p/CqLFN5CLeFQ/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#finland #happiness #travel #goodnews

[petermurphyinfo]

NEW Peter Murphy Limited Edition Lyric book

PRE-ORDER now for release 31st July

Only 600 signed and numbered copies

www.thefloodgallery.com/products/the-line-between-the-devil-s-teeth

“Lyric writing is a dive into the never-ending internal depth of your sea of being. You’re writing to, from, and for your fellow beings and Earth friends.” - Peter Murphy

 The Flood Gallery are proud to announce a new official Peter Murphy deluxe lyric and art book “the line between the devil’s teeth and that which cannot be repeat”. This unparalleled document of Peter Murphy’s work is limited to just 600 copies, with each copy individually numbered and signed by Peter Murphy. The book is a 288-page, oversized deluxe hardback housed in a slipcase with gold foil design and comes with an exclusive giclee print painted by Peter Murphy.

“the line between the devil’s teeth and that which cannot be repeat” is an epic tome that for the first time ever collects all of Peter Murphy’s lyrics, from the groundbreaking 1980 Bauhaus debut album ‘In the Flat Field’ to Peter’s tenth acclaimed solo album ‘Lion’ in 2014. Lyrics from ‘The Bela Session”, which was recorded in 1979 but not released until 2018, are also included. 

With an introduction by Peter Murphy, the book also features personal hand-written journal entries and previously unpublished paintings and illustrations by Peter. Amazing photography is included throughout, including rare and unseen pictures from lens legends Fin Costello, Paul Cox, E Gabriel Edvy, Kevin Haskins, Rob Sheridan and Justin Thomas, producing a true visual feast.

Peter’s spellbinding voice and the lush romanticism and depth of his lyrical style continue to enthrall his fans old and new alike, creating a richly woven tapestry that perfectly balances meaning, melody, and rhyme. This is a must-have for all fans of Peter Murphy, Bauhaus, and Dali’s Car

The book will be released on 31st July but is available to pre-order exclusively from:  

www.thefloodgallery.com/products/the-line-between-the-devil-s-teeth

 

[married-2-the-music]

K-pop Discography Deep Dives: NCT Dream

A Disclaimer: I was planning, when I first started Tumblr, to be a lurker, but then I began an office job and needed something to listen to to keep myself occupied. And then, I started going through entire K-pop groups’ repertoires, album by album, and jotting down my thoughts. And then, I stumbled into K-pop tumblr and decided, you know what, there’s at least four people on this hell site who would read in depth rants about these discographies and at least five who wouldn’t read it and then get mad because it’s kind of our job as K-pop fans. My lukewarm takes should be taken with an entire silo of salt and the knowledge that this is completely for fun and occupying my very bored, very neurodivergent brain. With that being said, enjoy!

So, we’re talking about NCT Dream today; here are my credentials. I haven’t been interested in them for very long, to be honest. It’s only been since around the beginning / middle of June, when I was recommended their videos. Since then, though, I’ve listened to a decent amount of their songs (mostly title tracks but a few b-sides too), and while I wouldn’t call myself an NCTzen, I would definitely call myself a fan.

They debuted in 2016, at around ages 14-16 (and now, no longer being those ages, I wince internally), with the song Chewing Gum, which I did like. It has a nice mix of hip-hop and singing, but it’s definitely not as much my style as their later work. For obvious reasons, it feels childish, and I’ve never been a fan of sing talk.

The other two songs in their first single “The First”, are My First And Last and Dunk Shot. My First & Last starts out with a surprisingly hard-hitting beat, reminiscent of SHINee, and I liked it a lot more than I expected. Dunk Shot is actually my favorite, continuing the SHINee vibe, which of course I loved, hence the blog name.

What stuck out to me the most in these early songs is how distinctive and honestly great their voices are, even as young as they were. (I know I keep emphasizing age here, but being a celebrity at 14…just let that sink in.) I can almost always tell who’s singing, even not knowing their voices very well.

The voices who stood out the most, though, are probably Mark and Haechan. Haechan’s voice has a great balance of nasality and chest voice, and as a singer myself, I think he has great control. Mark’s is very different from that, but unlike many rappers, I almost always enjoy his parts in the songs; his breaks are good, he has flow, and a good singing voice too. Renjun, Chenle, Jisung, Jeno, and Jaemin have good voices too (especially Renjun’s lower tones, which offer a good contrast)

The next comeback is We Young, which, despite its somewhat silly intro, manages to balance the youthful feeling and their talents well. It feels like a day at the beach or a road trip, and also a bit like Seventeen. Walk You Home is my favorite b-side from the EP, because I’m a sucker for acoustic guitar, but I also love the anthemic nature of Trigger The Fever.

I know I’ve heaped praise on them so far, but as a first year of material, these songs are really good. Unfortunately though, we then get to NCT Empathy 2018, and their song Go, which feels far more like an NCT 127 song than anything to do with Dream…which unfortunately isn’t a good thing. After all the beautiful harmonizing and the floating melodies, the hip hop beat and pop-trap mix feels especially harsh.

We Go Up follows the hip-hop sound that Go established, although the chorus, though less melodic than the other ones before, is alright. The b-sides are also less melodic but better than the title; Dear Dream especially is very sweet and makes me smile, especially the “I’ll be your home”.

Some of their best songs are the nostalgic, feel good, and somewhat understated ones, with a stripped back production that allows the Dreamies’ voices to carry the weight and harmonize together, turning something average into something quite good, like Candle Light, written when Mark left the group due to becoming an adult. (He did return, although not for two years, and his absence is clearly felt; the songs feel a bit less full.)

Fireflies is also sweet; the full chorus is a welcome return to form and it becomes an anthem in its later moments. Boom, meanwhile, returns to the hip-hop sound, and although the choruses are alright, it’s also not close to their best. We Boom (Boom’s album)’s b-sides are also (mostly) not it. They embrace the NCT 127 idea of uncomfortable sing talk and waste their great voices, Stronger especially. Dream Run is pretty good, though.

Ridin’ is not their best, and again I’m reminded that they have so much potential that isn’t being used. The chorus is almost great and usually I can articulate better, but something stops me from liking it more.

Hot Sauce marks….well the return of Mark (sorry), and as happy as I am to hear him bring more balance, I wish he could’ve gotten a better song for that. The sing talking is back in spades and its genuinely grating on the ears, which I never thought I’d say about an NCT Dream song. The b-sides are alright, with All Night Long, Be There For You, and especially Irreplaceable (which feels a lot like old Dream with its bright energy) as some nice hidden gems.

Hello Future is, at last, a title track that reflects the best of NCT Dream: upbeat, hopeful, and optimistic, It’s delightfully odd and a bit off-kilter, and manages to blend hip-hop, straight pop, and even a little bit of the dreaded sing-talk in to make an honestly delightful song, which isn’t an easy talk. Bungee is a great b-side from this album too.

But, of course, this can’t last, and we’re back to the sing-talk with Glitch Mode, which I’ll admit is marginally better than Hot Sauce but still gets on my nerves because it has a pretty good build-up in the pre-chorus, but just no pay off, which is one of my pet peeves, I’ll admit.

The b-sides are all pretty good (barring Fire Alarm), and I especially liked the sleepy warmth of Teddy Bear, the upbeat drive of Better Than Gold, the chill road trip vibes of Drive, and the electro / R & B influences of On The Way. In fact, their b-sides after Hot Sauce are almost all good, and even the ones that don’t end up on my playlist, I don’t usually find myself skipping much.

Candy is a cover of H.O.T., but I really like it. It’s very much a holiday feeling song, which surprisingly I, a certified Christmas cynic, don’t mind. It’s fun and doesn’t take itself too seriously, which is a must with this kind of subject matter.

Graduation isn’t technically a single, but since it has an MV (and because I’m biased but let’s pretend I have a legit reason), I’m treating it as such. In my opinion, it’s one of Dream’s best songs. What could so easily become just another easy listening b-side turns into an honestly lovely ballad with their voices adding sweeps of genuine emotion. Overall, I think that it’s one of their most honest songs, which makes sense if you know the backstory, and it reminds me of my own (quite imminent) graduation, which means I never fail to sing along.

Broken Melodies starts like an understated ballad, but soon spirals into an anthemic song with an earworm of a chorus, a great chorus, and excellent use of their voices, which sound imbued with warmth and better than ever. It’s no wonder that I became a fan after listening to this song.

ISTJ, the actual single from the album, isn’t as good as Broken Melodies, but it’s miles ahead of Hot Sauce and Glitch Mode; the chorus is sprawling and definitely has me tapping my head. I’m not a fan of the intro though. As for the b-sides, Blue Wave has a nice beachside beat, but my favorite is Like We Just Met, which was written by the band members themselves, and feels like a warm hug or a walk by the water.

Overall, again I’m super glad I did this. I’ve added a lot of b-sides and early songs of theirs to my playlists and gained a whole new respect for the members’ voices. I think after my deep dive, I can consider myself an NCTzen, at least of NCT Dream, although that doesn’t extend to the other subunits yet.

So my top five songs by NCT Dream are Graduation, Broken Melodies, Fireflies, Hello Future, and Trigger The Fever / Dunk Shot (because I couldn’t choose). Overall, NCT Dream gets an 8.5/10 from me, because they are pretty good most of the time but when they lean into the sing talk…well, I don’t need to repeat myself. I do really enjoy the greater part of their discography though, and when they stick to their strengths, they’re hard to beat.

See you next time for a girl group!

#k-pop #k pop boy groups #nct dream #nct #nctzen #mark lee #haechan #jaemin #jisung #jeno #chenle #renjun #K-pop deep dive #review #Spotify

[kawaiicollectorinternet]

Fullerton's Amazing Mind!

So I just finished reading chapter 10 of Tracy Fullerton's "Game Design Workshop: A Playcentric Approach to Creating Innovative Games" and it is critical for designing with a player centric aproach in mind.

Within chapter 10 Fullerton explains the importance of designing and testing for functionality, completeness, and balance.

Functionality:

Fullerton explained that at different stages of prototyping you must test for different aspects of your game in order to meet your player experience goals.

Completeness:

Fullerton described that for a game to be complete many aspects of the game need to be considered. The game needs to be internally complete so unintentional gameplay is averted; loopholes need to be fixed to reduce players exploitation of the system; and dead ends need to be fixed to ensure players can progress to game.

Balance:

The importance of balance was also highlighted in chapter 10. Fullerton was clear that for a game to be fun it needs to be balanced and directly tied balance to the difficulty of the game. Fullerton also mentioned that balance is needed to ensure a dominant strategy doesn't emerge and that asymmetric games can create enjoyable play. Fullerton outlined that balance is a combination of logic and intuition and requires a large amount of testing time.

Thanks for letting me share my excitement with you as I continue to learn more about designing for a player centric game!

References:

Fullerton, T. (2018). Game Design Workshop: A Playcentric Approach to Creating Innovative Games. ProQuest Ebook. Retrieved from: https://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/qut/reader.action?docID=5477698

#gamedev #studying

[bryan0301]

About Me

Nguyen Minh Tuan

sneakerdaily.vn/author/bstuan0301 [email protected]

Professional Summary:

Dynamic and innovative professional with a Master’s in Fashion Design from the International Fashion Academy (IFA) Paris, and a Bachelor’s in Fashion Merchandising. Demonstrates expertise in creative design, product development, and strategic merchandising within the competitive fashion industry. Proven ability to enhance product assortments, optimize retail strategies, and innovate design concepts. Seeking to apply extensive knowledge and experience in a challenging new role that promotes creative solutions and brand growth.

Education:

Master of Arts in Fashion Design, International Fashion Academy (IFA) Paris, [2016]

Specialized in creative design, product development, and fashion management. Completed thesis on "Integrating New Technologies into Fashion Design", exploring how technology can enhance the value and functionality of modern fashion. Bachelor of Arts in Fashion Merchandising, International Fashion Academy (IFA) Paris, [2018]

Focused on merchandising principles, retail management, and consumer behavior. Completed projects on trend forecasting, visual merchandising, and brand management.

Professional Experience:

Assistant Merchandiser, Gucci/Louis Vuitton (2018-2020): Supported senior merchandisers in the development and execution of merchandising plans. Consultant for Collaborative Brand Strategies, Nike/Adidas/New Balance (2020-2023): Developed and implemented innovative strategies enhancing product development, market presence, and inter-brand collaboration. Fashion Merchandiser, Marketing, Sneaker Daily (2023-Present): Led merchandising strategies to optimize product assortment and inventory levels, increasing sales performance and customer satisfaction.

Skills:

Expertise in fashion design, merchandising, and trend analysis. Proficient in visual merchandising, product selection, and inventory management. Strong analytical skills with a keen eye for market trends and consumer preferences. Excellent communication, negotiation, and relationship-building skills. Special Contributions:

Published Author: Wrote and published articles on fashion trends and footwear on leading online platforms such as Vogue.com and Elle.com. Product Innovation Project: Collaborated with designers to develop a new line of technologically advanced sports shoes, warmly received by the market. Career Objective:

Aiming to leverage my academic background from IFA Paris and extensive professional experience in fashion design and merchandising to contribute significantly to the success of a forward-thinking retail team. Committed to driving innovative design solutions, sales growth, and meeting the dynamic needs of the contemporary consumer market.

#shoes #fashion #startup