#is that my writing tag. if not I'll fix it.

[cashandprizes]

The Boring CBT Final for the Fun CBT King - By Lexi Moon aka CashAndPrizes

Okay! People asked and I fought tumblr to deliver!

Hi, I'm CashAndPrizes also known as Lexi Moon, and I am a doctoral student studying clinical psychology. I wrote about Redacted (specifically Lasko) for my final for Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. Here's the paper.

Shout out to my beloved friends in the WhoreHome and W.A.R. for keeping me going through this paper. I love you dearly.

Words of warning:

I am a clinician in training. I am still being supervised. I have not been graded on this final yet. (I'll update when I get it!) And I am definitely not an expert. Take everything here with a grain of salt.

I am not a licensed therapist but even if I was I am not your therapist. I'm play acting as Lasko's therapist for a class. Take everything here with a grain of salt. If you read any of this and think "It's a bit loud in here" do not assume this is absolutely you. If you have the means, please try finding your own mental health professionals and if you don't, please do a lot of research on these subjects. Don't use this as a diagnosis please, I'm just a guy.

I filled in a lot of Lasko's backstory based on my experiences with patients and my beloved Lasko kinnies who were instrumental to the writing of this paper. (I won't tag you and call you out, but you know who you are an I love you.) Your headcanons might be different - that's cool. I'm not claiming canon over most of this - but I did use the transcripts and timeline very heavily.

If you don't like the idea of pansexual, transgender, Indo-Caribbean/Trinidadian child of immigrants Lasko - pookie this might not be for you. If that sounds like your jam though - come on in, the water's fine.

Without further ado. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Mambo Number Five. Here's Lasky. I can, in fact, fix him.

Case Summary

This case conceptualization addresses the hypothetical course of treatment for Lasko Moore, a character in a modern-fantasy audio narrative. Lasko Moore presented to treatment as a 30-year-old pansexual and transgender Indo-Caribbean man working as an administrator and adjunct professor at Dahlia Academy for Magical Novices for persistent anxiety symptoms. Upon intake, Lasko reported experiencing near constant racing thoughts that he was unable to “turn off”, panic attacks, and increased anxiety about social interactions at his work. He described spending a significant amount of mental energy preparing for and reviewing social interactions with colleagues such that he often avoids his colleagues in an effort to minimize his anxiety. Lasko reported that the anticipation around coworker interactions (meetings, socials, etc.) becomes quickly overwhelming as he becomes preoccupied with what he will say and do in an effort to try and minimize his tendency to become hyperverbal and overshare information as well as stuttering. He described this process as starting with embarrassment over previous interactions which leads to critical thoughts like “I shouldn’t be so anxious” which leads to rehearsal of potential outcomes of interactions. However, in the moment of social interactions he becomes so anxious as there “aren’t any objectives [or] any specific roles” to the conversations that he “word vomits” and becomes tangential and overshares until he runs out of breath and stops himself from talking due to his own critical thoughts and begins to isolate himself. 

Lasko was initially diagnosed with Panic Disorder (F41.0) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (F41.1) to capture his persistent anxious state with occasional intense bouts of extreme anxiety and panic. An initial long-term goal was collaboratively set as improving his coping strategies and tolerance of anxious affect to better network and create relationships. As this was Lasko’s first time utilizing mental health services, treatment began with inhibitory learning in combination with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in order to facilitate willingness to experience interoceptive cues and extinguish avoidance due to fear of negative consequences. This was able to reduce his panic attacks as he felt more able to tolerate overwhelming anxious affect. Despite his clear engagement with treatment through attendance, homework, and skills practice, Lasko continued to struggle with critical thoughts and avoidance of coworkers which he identified as a major barrier to his continued professional development and potential non-academic relationships. Through collaborative exploration, a persistent early maladaptive schema relating to his critical thoughts emerged and treatment shifted to a goal of starting dialogue between schema modes to facilitate the use of coping strategies to build interpersonal effectiveness. Lasko was born as the human-born child of Trinidadian immigrants who moved the southern California in the early 1990s due to political unrest. From an early age Lasko faced high academic expectations from his parents who desired upward mobility for their child and a “piece of the American Dream.” His mother was emotionally labile to the point of explosive outbursts where his father was more passive and spent significant energy working and caring for his wife. This experience started Lasko’s early maladaptive schema regarding rigid standards with no support, which only became worse when Lasko’s elemental powers began developing at thirteen and his parents expected perfect control (and perfect suppression) of his powers with no training and a highly critical environment. This led to Lasko isolating himself at home as much as possible to hide his lack of control but left him with an environment that created a positive feedback loop where his lack of control led to increased yelling and criticism which led to worsening outbursts of his powers. This culminated in a final traumatic event when Lasko was seventeen and lost control of his powers, leading to his mother “calling [him] everything she could think of […] she was so loud and I just wanted her to stop” to the point that Lasko accidentally sucked all of the air out of the room and almost suffocated his mother. Though Lasko was able to find support with the Department of Uniform Magical Practices and become emancipated from his parents, these experiences developed a maladaptive pattern of hypercritical thinking about himself, especially in the context of social relationships.

Research

Avelino Cardoso et al. (2023) pose potential ways to modify and apply Schema Therapy to sexual and gender minorities. This work focuses on understanding how of harmful implicit and explicit messages about gender and sexuality contribute to early maladaptive schemas based on consideration of the minority stress model, and how Schema Therapy interventions can be applied to sexual and gender minorities. One area of particular relevance from this article is the conceptualization of an inner critic mode that specifically represents stereotypes and prejudice that are naturalized by society. When applying these principles to the case of Lasko, the environment of his childhood can be understood as an essential aspect of the treatment. Though Lasko did not present to treatment looking to discuss the impact of his pansexuality and transgender identity, potentially because of the clinician’s own advertised identities, the impacts of systemic oppression against sexual and gender minorities can be woven into treatment for his hypercritical early maladaptive schema. Based on the suggestions of Avelino Cardoso et al. (2023), it may be worth examining his secondary schemas around shame and social isolation as also being shaped by his experience as a gender and sexual minority and how that may contribute to his predominant hypercritical schema. 

A major concern for this section of the paper is the lack of research modifying second and third wave cognitive behavioral therapies for sexual and gender minorities. Results for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy with LGBTQ+ individuals only revealed one article about group therapy and a study proposal; results for Schema Therapy with LGBTQ+ individuals only provided Avelino Cardoso et al.’s (2023) theoretical essay. There does not appear to be much research and what research exists is extremely limited with no randomized control trials. This makes it clear that evaluating the efficacy of treatment for sexual and gender minorities is not a priority, which leads to a major critique of Avelino Cardoso et al.’s work. Though the article is useful for considering how to address systemic change in the room, it seems to attribute lived experiences of sexual and gender minorities to a schema rather than ongoing threats in a world where hate crimes and discrimination against LGBTQ+ individuals is on the rise. The abandonment and violence that these individuals may face is not imagined and it can be seen in the lack of interest in research.

ADDRESSING Model

When considering the case of Lasko, it is important to remember that psychology does not develop in the vacuum of individual experiences – psychology develops based on the global environment, which includes the social, political, economic, and cultural contexts as well as individual context. Utilizing Hays (2022) ADDRESSING Model, the impact of Lasko’s intersecting identities can be understood to have a major impact on his current symptom presentation and the development of early maladaptive schemas and schema modes. Lasko was born to first generation immigrants from Trinidad with strong Indo-Caribbean and Catholic roots – and he was assigned female sex at birth. Using a systems-focused lens, Lasko’s current symptoms can also be understood within the larger context of living in a world where several aspects of his identity are under intense scrutiny and political debate. As a child of immigrants and as someone Indo-Caribbean, Lasko likely faced explicit and implicit messages about his intellectual capabilities, his body, and his work ethic. While Lasko directly experienced his mother as extremely critical and never satisfied with his performance, it is just as likely that he received messages as a child about needing to work harder than many of his same aged peers for equal amounts of recognition based on his racial, ethnic, and sex assigned at birth. There is also the element of the disconnect between his sex assigned at birth and his gender presentation, and the messages he received about being transgender from his Catholic, Trinidadian immigrant parents as well as the American culture – which were likely discouraging at best and hostile at worst. 

Keeping all of this in mind, Lasko’s hypercritical, social isolated, and emotional deprived schemas can be understood as also being a direct result of the intersection of his identities – and this does not even cover the added layer of being an empowered human-born. In a variety of ways, Lasko has had very different experiences than his peers by virtue of being a transgender, pansexual, child of unempowered human immigrants. When Lasko describes feeling different from the people around him growing up and when he entered the empowered world, this is a real experience based on the multiple identity intersections – it is not hard to believe that he did not have many friends or family members between the late 1990s and late 2000s that had similar experiences to him. This left him with the acute sense that he was fundamentally different and needed to work much harder than those around him, and also that to get validation he needed to sacrifice his needs (or identities) for those of others.

Methodology

The initial treatment approach for Lasko was a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and inhibitory learning with interoceptive and in vivo exposure, which was successful in decreasing his panic symptoms but not generalized anxiety symptoms. Lasko reported that he experienced sudden panic attacks that seemed random and included symptoms such as accelerated heart rate, tightness in his chest, hyperventilation, feeling that he would lose control, sweaty palms, and loss of control over his magic. At the time of treatment, he reported that he had been having at least one panic attack every other month since he was a teenager and that they would occur more frequently when he was in periods of intense stress. After exploration, Lasko was able to determine that he often had panic attacks related when he spends time ruminating in anticipation of social interactions. Lasko explained that during panic attacks he tends to seek quiet, dark places to hide and “ride out” the panic attack and that he has thoughts like “I’m going to mess this up” or “I can’t do this.” 

Treatment started with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and inhibitory learning as an evidence-based approach for treating panic attacks and generalized anxiety to address his symptoms and reduce further panic attacks as well as his anxious thought patterns (Barlow, 2021; Ruiz et al, 2020). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a therapeutic practice that focuses on improving psychological flexibility and understanding the function of behavioral patterns (Gordon & Borushok, 2017). Much of early treatment with Lasko consisted of psychoeducation around the therapeutic process, behavioral therapy, and mindfulness. He took easily to ACT and benefited from understanding how avoiding social interactions was negatively reinforced by decreasing his anxiety while keeping him from creating connection. Inhibitory learning through multiple types of exposure (in-vivo and interoceptive) was able to make him more comfortable with feeling panicked, effectively reducing his panic attacks (Ramnero & Törneke, 2008). However, his baseline anxious affect and negative thoughts did not ease despite the use of ACT, so treatment shifted towards understanding the function of his persistent negative thoughts through Schema Therapy.

Lasko’s symptom presentation after several sessions of ACT and inhibitory learning was a persistent anxious affect and worry (especially around social situations) that felt uncontrollable and critical ruminative thoughts. As it seemed treatment had plateaued, the content of sessions moved towards a deeper understanding of his critical thoughts based on an indication of deeply held early maladaptive schemas. Barlow defines early maladaptive schemas as persistent behavioral, cognitive, and relational themes developed in early childhood that are reinforced throughout lifetime and that cause significant disruption and dysfunction (2021). Schemas are often viewed as truths about the self and others and are difficult to challenge because of the deep affective component and lifetime of reinforcement (Barlow, 2021). Movement towards schema work started with psychoeducation which involved discussing how schemas are reinforced through modeling (in this case by his mother’s critical comments about his performance) and how people can often act in ways that reconfirm schemas into adulthood. Lasko then completed the Young Schema Questionnaire - Revised and received high scores on schemas related to emotional deprivation, social isolation, and unrelenting standards (Rijkeboer, 2015). During the debriefing and explanation of the results, Lasko reported that when he was completing the questionnaire he felt “really seen” in a way that was uncomfortable but also validating to his experiences in childhood and as a queer person of color living in America.

The topic of sessions then moved towards further psychoeducation about the process of schema work, including delving into his schemas and determining schema modes with the goal of improving his understanding of schemas and working towards healthier integration of modes and coping strategies (Barlow, 2021). Lasko was committed to treatment but apprehensive about “what would come up,” speaking to his concerns about dredging up uncomfortable memories and feelings. In response, he was encouraged to revisit his understanding of ACT and his core values as a reminder of why he wanted to continue treatment and work through feelings of discomfort and grief. The next session started proper schema work, starting with Lasko explaining his understanding of schemas and how they were currently impacting him. He aptly summarized that his childhood experience of feeling intense pressure to do well academically and conform to socially and religiously defined gender roles left him feeling isolated from his peers and that he always needed to work harder and do more, while also feeling as though he had no support or anyone who truly understood him – this led to the development of schemas related to emotional unrelenting standards, social isolation, and emotional deprivation. 

The first step of schema work was to identify schema modes as recommended by Barlow (2021). Lasko completed the Young Schema Mode Inventory (YSMI) as homework (along with his regular thought and feeling records) and scored highly in the following modes: vulnerable child, compliant surrenderer, detached self-soother, punitive parent, and demanding parent (Lobbestael, 2015). With this in mind, the next session started with reviewing his thought and emotion records as a baseline for identifying schema modes. Lasko was able to sort different thoughts and feelings into categories that broadly resembled the categories for child modes, coping modes, and parent modes, but he struggled to come up with names for them. He eventually decided on “Young Lasko” to describe his vulnerable child mode, “The Doormat” to describe his compliant surrenderer mode, and “The Critic” to describe his punitive and demanding parent modes with suggestions from the therapist based on his results on the YSMI. Lasko was overwhelmed with sadness and fear during this session, describing how hard it was to name and admit these schemas out loud and how scared and vulnerable he felt. He reported a heavy weight on his chest and how badly he wanted to hide from the therapist and his own internal experience, and his wavering control over his powers was evident by the rustling of papers in the room. The second half of the session was dedicated to using ACT and mindfulness techniques to sit with the almost intolerable affect without judgement. The session closed with a discussion of how he could focus on his value of self-care after the session and he decided that he had plans to meet with his friend group the next day and try to talk with them about his feelings as a form of self-care and confirming his acceptance in his friend group. 

The following session he reported that his conversation with his friend group had gone “really well, better than [he] expected” and the session started by discussing how this did not conform to his expectations as a way to integrate the initial phase of inhibitory learning into the present. The conversation then moved to re-introducing the names for his schema modes and utilizing a combination of mindfulness skills and reaffirmation of his core values to give a voice to those modes and their needs by recommendation of Barlow (2021). Lasko explored that “Little Lasko” felt “awful, awful all the time” and was a sad little boy trapped in a girl’s body who “[held] onto all the bad stuff” including feelings of being completely isolated from others and deep sadness. Lasko further explored that “The Doormat” was a representation of how he had worked so hard in school and at home to make everyone else happy and that by avoiding his own needs and wants (for self-expression, acceptance, nurturance, joy, etc.) he thought he would get his needs met. At this point in treatment, discussing “The Critic” was still too affectively laden so discussion started with the first two with the goal of working up to “The Critic.” Based on guidelines from Barlow (2021), the next few sessions focused on identifying the ways these schemas had developed within his childhood and how they had once been adaptive and essential for his survival. Lasko’s homework between these sessions was to read handouts given by the therapist about schema modes and the ways they are internalized throughout childhood. Lasko was also willing to try journaling once a week from the perspective of either “Little Lasko” or “The Doormat” to better understand how integral they had been to his survival. 

Session Description

This transcript describes the first part of the schema work, where Lasko began to identify and label schemas with prompting from the therapist. Rather than just using the terms from the YSMI, Lasko was encouraged to create his own meaning to better represent his own understanding of the schema modes based on evidence-based methods from Barlow (2021). The goal of this session was to help Lasko observe the schema modes based on his thought and feeling record from the previous week and start thinking of the modes as parts of him that were observable separate from himself.

Therapist: You’ve summed up schemas and how they work, and I don’t even have anything else to add. Lasko: I really, um, want to make sure you know I’m serious about this. I want to get better, I want to be better. Therapist: It feels like it’s really important for you to feel like I know how hard you’re working right now. Lasko: Yeah, well… Yeah, I don’t want you to think I’m not doing the work. Therapist: It’s interesting because you’re the one paying for sessions, you know? While I’m glad that we are working together towards your goals, what you get out of this is really up to you. Can we talk more about how you want to make sure I know you’re working hard? I think that’s really tied to this whole schema thing I’m trying to sell you on. Lasko: I’m already sold on it!  Therapist: [Hm] Lasko: … That’s… that’s what you mean, isn’t it? Therapist: [Affirmative hm] Lasko: Fuck – sorry – shit! I um… I feel like I need to prove to you that I’m listening and trying really hard. Therapist: What will happen if I think you aren’t trying? Lasko: Well, you won’t take me seriously – at all. You’ll think I’m wasting your time and that I should – I need to be doing more and taking it seriously. Therapist: And how would I be feeling with you? Lasko: Angry, because I’m wasting your time – but I’m not, or I don’t want to. I don’t want to waste your time, you have so many other patients you could be seeing and if I’m not doing what I should be doing then I’m just- I’m taking up space someone else could be using and they probably need it more than me. I mean, I’m fine you know, I’m anxious but I can survive, right? There’re people out there who need your time more than me and I’m wasting it – or I would be. I’m not – I don’t think I’m wasting your time right now except I keep rambling. Therapist: There’s a through-line in there that I want to pull. You feel like you need to do what I expect you to do, right? Lasko: Yeah, I mean you’re the therapist. You’re the expert with – all the experience and degrees. So yeah, I should be doing what you expect. Therapist: It sounds like there’s some part of you that feels like you need to be doing what I say you should do, even if you don’t want to or have something else to say – like your “rambling” – and that if you don’t, you’re wasting my time. Does that feel right?

Lasko: I want to do this, I do. But um, yeah. That feels right. Therapist: And you do what I say you should do because if you don’t…? Lasko: Well I’m wasting your time. And then you’ll – I mean you probably won’t, you’re a really nice person and you’re so helpful but I just… I have this thought that you’ll get mad at me. Therapist: I would be mad at you. What would I do if I was mad at you? Lasko: You would um… Well I know you wouldn’t, because you just – you’re not like that but like my mom would start screaming at me. She would just… she would just yell and tell me that I was wasting their money because I wasn’t doing well enough at the school they paid for me to go to you know? Or I messed up the nice clothes they paid for. Or I just – anything like that really, I was wasting money and time and I was a waste of space and… Fuck – sorry – wait, um. This is hard to talk about and I don’t want to cry. Therapist: This is really hard, I’m really putting you through it already today, aren’t I? Lasko: [Affirmative hm] Therapist: I want to take what you just said and kind of summarize, kind of explain, is that okay? So, it sounds like you have these thoughts that you aren’t trying hard enough – or at least that I don’t think you’re trying hard enough, right? And these thoughts serve to make sure that you show me how hard you’re working so that I believe you, because if I don’t, I might think you’re wasting my time and become angry and yell at you.  Lasko: That’s a really succinct way to put it, but yeah. Therapist: So what I think is happening here, is that there’s a part of you that is so terrified that I will become angry and yell at you and make you feel just awful about yourself. And to deal with that, there’s another part of you that works really hard to try and anticipate and meet my needs so I won’t become angry with you. And then there’s also this third part of you, this part that is so critical and reminds you of how scary I could become if I got angry with you and kind of beats me to the punch by being mean first. And all three of these parts were working together in those last few minutes. Lasko: Wow… yeah, that um… you hit the nail right on the head. That feels right. It’s not – um, it’s not really great for me, though. Therapist: What I’d like to do is start by giving a voice to these parts of you, just letting them speak. Do you think we could do that? Lasko: That… That sounds really awful. But, yeah we can… we can do that. Therapist: And here I am, asking you to do these terrible things you don’t want to do and you’re doing them with me anyway.  Lasko: That’s the um.. that part of me that tries to meet your needs, right? That’s what you said? Therapist: I think so. I really want to hear more from that part of you.

At this point in the transcript, the therapist was using a combination of techniques to try and get closer to the schemas that were indicated in Lasko’s dialogue. There was a mix of rephrasing/restating what Lasko had said with the dual purpose of making sure the therapist understood and phrasing things in a way that would lead to more dialogue about schemas. The therapist in this section also started outlining the core schema modes operating at the moment in broad terms to gauge Lasko’s ability to tolerate and explore them further with the intention of eventually moving towards labeling schema modes. In this section, it is becoming clear that Lasko’s persistent anxiety about the therapy (proving he is engaged enough) is a result of active schema modes that attempt to anticipate and meet the therapist’s needs to prevent criticism and anger on the part of the therapist. This insight from the conversation can be broadened to potentially explain the utility of Lasko’s critical thoughts and anxiety around social interactions – he spends so much time preparing and planning for these interactions to try and anticipate and meet the needs of others to prevent criticism and anger from his peers, the mere idea of which causes deep feelings of fear and sadness, by criticizing himself first.

Therapist: I think so. I really want to hear more from that part of you. Lasko: I mean – geez, what should I say? Therapist: Maybe we could start with what that feels like…? Lasko: It feels like I’m always guessing, trying to figure it out. I feel like I have to do everything right, try harder, do more…I feel like I always need to be doing more, doing it better. Therapist: What emotions does this part of you have? Lasko: Um, I don’t – I don’t know.  Therapist: Do you think I should bring out your old friend the feelings wheel? Lasko: Yeah that might – might help. You know how much I love the wheel. Yeah – um, I guess I feel… inadequate? Maybe… Therapist: Can I suggest something that I’m sensing in you? Lasko: Please, you’re way better at this than me. Therapist: I’m wondering if this part of you feels desperate. Lasko: Yes, desperate. Therapist: Desperate… it feels like there’s more to that. Desperate for what, do you think? Lasko: Desperate… desperate to please – desperate to get it right. Therapist: Wow… desperate to please feels really powerful. I see you rubbing your chest right now, what are you feeling? Lasko: It’s like… my chest feels tight – a little like when I have panic attacks. Therapist: That connection feels really important. What do you make of that? Lasko: I feel – I’ve felt desperate when I’ve had panic attacks before. Like desperate for air, which is just – it’s funny as an air elemental you know, well not funny-funny, but it’s just – anyway, it’s like desperate for air but it’s also like I’m desperate for… I don’t know how to phrase it…? For it to stop, yeah, but also like I… I want to do things right when I talk to people but I always fuck it up – sorry – wait, don’t apologize Lasko. Sorry, I – sorry – fuck. I just- I want to have better interactions with people! I want things to go better and to communicate better so people like me and – I don’t know. Therapist: So people like you… do you think that’s what this part of you wants? Lasko: Yes – so badly… So badly it hurts. Therapist: It hurts in your chest, right there? Lasko: Yeah… it’s tight and heavy and then I start crying because I’m just – I’m a mess. Therapist: You’re feeling so much right now, and you’re doing it because I said we should. Lasko: Well… yeah, it’s um – it sucks but you know better than me. Therapist: That seems to be a thought you have a lot, we’ve talked about it before on your thought and emotion records – and I think it’s really tied to this part of you. Lasko: I mean… maybe, yeah. Therapist: What do you think you could name this part? How do you think we could refer to it? Lasko: Like a name? What kind of name…? Therapist: It’s really up to you, I think it’ll be more helpful to use whatever you think is the best way to describe it rather than my clinical-ese jargon.  Lasko: I don’t… I don’t really know. I’m not good at this kind of thing. Can’t you – you can just name it, right? Therapist: I could, but I feel like if I name it we’re staying in this pattern where you just acquiesce to my demands. Lasko: Which is like – the whole point of this, yeah. Therapist: Exactly. What feels hard about thinking of a name? Lasko: I don’t – I don’t want to pick some stupid name that I have to use, and you’ll think “wow that was a really stupid name choice, I should have picked it.” Therapist: [Hm] Lasko: Yeah, you don’t have to say anything, I hear it. Also, I just… naming it feels so real, you know? Then it’s a real thing. Therapist: And there’s something about it being “a real thing” then? Lasko: Then I’d… I’d have to talk about – acknowledging all of it – that feels really awful. I feel like I can’t breathe right now. Therapist: I can feel the air becoming thin too. Why don’t we take a few moments and just notice how you’re feeling and breathe through it?

This section of the transcript starts to explore and move towards labeling the schema mode of the Compliant Surrenderer. This mode attempts to anticipate and meet the needs of his hypercritical Punitive and Demanding Parent mode to protect his Vulnerable Child mode, which becomes clear in the transcript as he verbalizes that this part of himself is desperate to do well (whatever that may look like) so that others will like him. Just sitting with this part of himself causes Lasko almost intolerable feelings of desperation and panic, likely due to his fear of his Punitive and Demanding Parent mode as well as a fear of criticism and rejection from the therapist.

Closing Thoughts

I really enjoyed this case and this paper. While I didn't choose a current patient, I feel that I got a lot out of this assignment. It was really interesting to think formally about a character and work through a treatment plan and focus on a specific element of treatment. I managed to pick a case where I got to implement schema therapy, which is one of the forms of CBT that I find most interesting in addition to ACT. Despite this being a fictional character, I have certainly had previous patients who have similar struggles – and I also felt that I was able to use the media (and my previous experience to fill in gaps) to make the most of this assignment for my learning.

As I was working on this case, it occurred to me that though I felt like I was able to portray this character as accurately as possible I felt like so much was missing or unaccounted for. Because I was working from a CBT rather than psychodynamic lens, I felt like there were clear points where I would have ideally worked more relationally to address resistance or spoken more about the therapeutic relationship. There are always a million different things you could pick out of a patient’s response to respond to, and it was challenging to focus more on the schemas rather than talk about the relationship. I also felt like because of the limits of this paper, I did not have enough space to talk in the methodology or transcript session about how I felt his identities played a part in the development of his schemas. In this example, it was very clear to me that Lasko’s experiences of his parents were only part of the equation as development does not exist in a vacuum – there is a reality that his identity as a pansexual, transgender, Indo-Caribbean, second-generation immigrant and his experiences of xenophobia, racism, heterosexism, and transphobia would have also impacted his feelings of isolation/difference from others and internalized pressure to present and perform well. I also think that this would have been something I discussed in subsequent sessions as I believe this is another function of his schemas – to protect and prepare himself from his experiences of a hostile, sometimes violent world.

References

Avelino Cardoso, B. L., Paim, K., Figueiredo Catelan, R., & Liebross, E. H. (2023). Minority stress and the inner critic/oppressive sociocultural schema mode among sexual and gender minorities. Current Psychology, 42(23), 19991–19999. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-022-03086-y 

Barlow, D. H. (2021). Clinical handbook of psychological disorders: a step-by-step treatment manual. Sixth edition. New York, The Guilford Press.

Hays, P. A. (2022). Addressing Cultural Complexities in Counseling and Clinical Practice: An Intersectional Approach. Fourth edition. Washington DC: American Psychological Association.

Lobbestael, J. (2015). Validation of the Schema Mode Inventory. In M. van Vreeswijk, J. Broersen, & M. Nadort (Eds.), The Wiley‐Blackwell Handbook of Schema Therapy: Theory, Research, and Practice (pp. 541–552). Wiley-Blackwell. 

Ramnero, J., & Törneke, N. (2008). ABCs of human behavior: Behavioral principles for the practicing clinician. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger & Reno, NV: Context Press.

Rijkeboer, Marleen (2015). Validation of the Young Schema Questionnaire. In M. van Vreeswijk, J. Broersen, & M. Nadort (Eds.), The Wiley‐Blackwell Handbook of Schema Therapy: Theory, Research, and Practice (pp. 531-540). Wiley-Blackwell. 

Ruiz, F. J., Luciano, C., Flórez, C. L., Suárez-Falcón, J. C., & Cardona-Betancourt, V. (2020). A multiple-baseline evaluation of acceptance and commitment therapy focused on repetitive negative thinking for comorbid generalized anxiety disorder and depression. Frontiers in Psychology, 11. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00356 

Home. (n.d.). Redacted Audio. Retrieved May 5, 2024, from https://redacted-audio.com/

Appendix

Character and Media Primer

Redacted Audio is an urban-fantasy audio narrative on YouTube that centers around the fictional city of Dahlia in southern California and its inhabitants (“Home”, n.d.). In this urban-fantasy world, people are separated into four categories: unempowered humans; empowered humans, which can be further broken down into elementals and energetics (people with control over the four elements, gravity, sound waves, magnetics, psychokinesis, telepathy, seers, or a jack of all trades) and shifters (e.g.: werewolves); vampires, who are turned unempowered or empowered humans that feed on blood to survive, have superhuman speed and senses, and cannot go out in the sun; and demons, beings of pure magic that are not necessarily evil or good. The character I have chosen is an empowered human who was born to unempowered human parents – a human-born – which is a rare kind of person who often faces discrimination and barriers to learning how to control their magic. Lasko is an administrator and adjunct faculty member at the Dahlia Academy of Magical Novices, which is essentially magical community college where students (of any age) can learn mastery over either their specialty or all aspects of empowered human magic. The Dahlia Academy of Magical Novices operates as a school under the larger Department of Uniform Magical Practices, which oversees magical practices, ethics, and maintains the covert status of magic. Lasko specifically has natural control over the element of air, giving him an increased lung capacity and control over air (making wind currents, taking air out of the room, making tornados, etc. – think air benders in Avatar: The Last Airbender if you are familiar), but chose to complete his full certification at The Dahlia Academy of Magical Novices to have a better understanding of all types of magic. He teaches an introductory class on magic for incoming students as a way to provide a less discriminatory experience for other human born students.

ACT Hexaflex

YSQ-R Table

YSMI Table

That's all, folks!

#speed run #redacted #redactedasmr #redacted asmr #redacted audio #redactedverse #redacted lasko

[liichkiing]

YOU'D BETTER PICK YOUR WEAPONS UP

AND THROW YOUR MERCY DOWN

Hi everybody look at my Hollow Knight oc. Their name is Raiko and they are a scorpion from a kingdom far from Hallownest. Infodumping (which kind of reads like a little story) and also several more sketches under the cut!!!!

SO basically they were raised as a brainwashed soldier but then they assassinated their king and tried to stage a full on revolution but their heavily militaristic kingdom quashed it really quickly. And as punishment they were "made an example of" (dismembered slowly and publicly). Their fellow rebels snuck in and freed them before their stinger was removed though, and one of the others had started making them prosthetic arms. Their hideout got raided before their second, third, or fourth sets of missing limbs had proper finished prosthetics, so they only have the one set of arms. They and their fellows scattered, and they haven't seen or heard from any of them since. They have no idea if anyone else even survived that raid.

Anyway. They fled to the ruins of Hallownest, since it's a death trap. They assumed their pursuers wouldn't follow them there, as the assumption could safely be made that they were either dead or miserable down there.

They are alone for a while until they happen upon the mantis tribe. A younger mantis warrior named Kas'il recognizes them as a dangerous individual and tries to take them down, but Raiko has a lot more experience and quickly takes her down. They don't kill her, though, because she's one of the first non-infected bugs they've seen around. Slowly, they end up bonding, and Kas'il tells them that if they can best her tribe's Lords in combat, then her tribe will no longer be hostile to them even though they are a terrifying huge scorpion and are very reminiscent of the beasts of Deepnest.

So, Raiko fights the Mantis Lords, and they come to respect each other. They're able to freely travel into Deepnest, which they are hesitant to do at first, but they're very much drawn to the dark. Part of them feels like they belong in Deepnest. This is their self loathing talking, but, hey, it happens.

At some point, they hear stories about the Mask Maker, and, given that their face and horns were disfigured during their failed rebellion, they are a bit desperate for. Again, they have a lot of self loathing and survivor's guilt, and they hate being reminded of their failures every time that they see their reflection.

They spend increasing amounts of time isolating themself in Deepnest, killing a lot of dirtcarvers in the process. They end up carving out a little hole for themself in the tunnels somewhere. Eventually they don't even talk to Kas'il anymore.

One day a strange, pale little thing breaks into their home, catching them off guard. They fight, and after several (or maybe just one) attempts, the little ghost defeats them. With Raiko feigning death, the ghost leaves. Not long after, though, it returns. Raiko tells it that they don't want to fight it, since it's clearly a determined and formidable foe. Instead, they offer stories from their distant home--a new tale every time that their strange visitor returns.

After several stories, they realize how much talking about their life has made them feel... Happy. They didn't know they could even feel happy. It was strange and perhaps a bit scary, but, with their newfound motivation, they knew that they had to do something for their strange companion. They made a gift: a charm, much like the one they'd been granted by the mantises, but with their own twist.

Venomous Blade

Imbued with the power and guilt of a deadly beast. The bearer's nail is coated with scorpion venom and deals more damage over time. When hit, the bearer's strength resets.

Shortly after the Absolute Radiance is killed and the Infection is no more, Raiko happens across a Nosk hunting a strange little glowing beetle. Raiko kills the Nosk, but the little beetle reminds them of a friend they once had, and so (although they look delicious) they let the beetle live and opt to protect the little adventurer.

(And then they fall in love and adopt some weird little vessels.)

(Kite, the luma beetle, belongs to @ivory-obsidian ::^D)

#victor.png #victor.txt #is that my writing tag. if not I'll fix it. #my art #hollow knight #hollow knight oc #raiko #kite #sif ocs #original character #oc #ocs #also their scissors come apart into two blades. it was more convenient when they had eight arms. but they do use them as mobility aids also! #like crutches. very sharp crutches.

[lennsart]

Most of the wips I write these days can be summarized by "Legend gets hurt in fucked-up ways, and then he gets hugs" :)

(I'm fine shhh)

But I had this sitting in my drafts, and it's like the comfort part to a hurt/comfort, except I didn't like the hurt part, so posting this probably doesn't make sense, but.. I just wanted the boys to hug

Context + snippet under the cut !

Basically, Legend has been abducted for ransom (I think it was inspired by a whumptober prompt) and he didn't have a stellar time there. The rest of the chain rescues him, but they're worried he'll wake up confused at night, so they decide to watch over him. And they're supposed to take turn, but they all kinda end up sleeping next to him :)

Have this little Four POV that I quite like and feels like it can be posted without context :

Four expected to see two people in the room. One awake, that he would be about to replace, and the other asleep, that he would watch.

He hadn't expected three sleeping dudes.

He had to pause and go back to the hallway to laugh, muffling his chuckles in his sleeve. Of course Sky would have wanted to hug Legend and would have fallen asleep. Of course Hyrule would have let them, and promptly fallen asleep as well.

When he came back in and carefully closed behind him, he noticed with fondness that Legend, at least, looked perfectly content. He was sleeping on his back, Sky hugging his right arm, and he held Hyrule's hand with his left.

The traveler was mostly on the ground, head and arms on the mattress. Four winced ; that couldn't be comfortable.

Alright, he gave up (as if he hadn't as soon as he noticed them). He'd watch them three sleep, if only to gush about how cute they were tomorrow.

(He hoped Wind would bring his pictobox for his turn of watch in the morning.)

He got on Hyrule's side, and gently nudged him. This one hummed sleepily.

" - Shh, don't wake them up. " Four whispered. " Hop in.

- What...? " the traveler asked in confusion.

Four bit back a laugh at how asleep he sounded.

" - Get in the bed. " he ordered.

Hyrule may not really understand what was happening, but he didn't need to be told twice. He climbed in, wincing when he moved his legs, and abandoned Legend's hand to hug his waist, resting his head on his stomach.

The veteran softly hummed, but didn't fully wake up.

Four sat on one of the scarce empty spots of the bed, giggling to himself. He was happy that this watch had taken such a sweet turn ; he had expected to get lost in his own mind, trying to understand how they could have let one member of their group go through that. 

...

Instead, he had three sleepyheads cuddling, and he would trade for nothing in the world.

The last free spot on the mattress, above Hyrule and next to Lege, was probably too small for someone to sleep there.

...Well. He was small too, and mostly slept curled up anyway.

But, no ! He had decided he'd stay awake. No matter how comfortable those three looked, no matter how much he'd like to hug the vet, too, he would fulfill his mission.

Legend's hand opened and closed in his sleep, and he extended it further. Four blinked, and reached with his left hand. 

In a second, he was trapped, Legend satisfied with the hand he found and holding tight onto it.

...

Alright, that wouldn't be comfortable to stay sitting in this condition. Plus Legend looked like he wanted the smith to stay, and his goal had always been to watch for him, right ?

He curled up in the little free spot, his hand still in Legend’s, and definitely did not fall asleep in a matter of minutes.

#The colors were not coloring but the black and white is A Look #I also gave them pajamas. I'm not sure if they'd have those but. Hey. Komfy #linked universe #lu legend #lu four #lu sky #lu hyrule #my art #If you tag as ships I'll spray you with water. Please let the boys be cuddly platonically they need it #writing snippet #One day I'll post my writing without getting anxious. In the meantime. Art and snippet #Hopefully the mermaid curse fic will fix me (I'll try to start posting it this february :0)

[nerevar-quote-and-star]

Dangerously close to plotting a real Skyrim/Lord of the Rings crossover for after Keeping Count because my secret desire for Leara/Glorfindel has reared its head again

Shhh Don't question it.

#look look now i must explain #the explanation is that leara simply works well with literally every male character I like at least for the most part #anyway #it'd be funny #i wish i could write a leara/astarion fic but i do NOT understand d&d at all alas #I understand lotr/silm on a crazy level so i guess sunshine hero elf it is #this is fine actually #actually what i really need to do is edit and finish my funny Skyrim/hobbit crack fic but that's a ten year old project #no really #I do NOT KNOW i am just having thoughts and i'm sharing them on my blog because it's mine and I can #also i was in the glorfindel/ofc tag on ao3 like five minutes ago and it looks empty and sad #so Leara can fix it #one day there will be more leara ships than there are for hermione granger jk maybe #i should make a list #I am talking out of my hair it is unlikely that i'll ever do anything the fact that keeping count even exists is a bloody miracle #mod post #oc: leara roseblade

[puppygirlgirldick]

for the purposes of reading porn, i am now considering myself a trans girl who somehow has a cervix and a womb. if people can't be arsed to write smut without referencing wombs and cervixes and making specific note of somebody having both a vagina and an asshole or write shit like "all three holes" then i am just gonna get high enough to forget that i ain't got that kinda equipment.

#this is a complaint but it is a complaint that will also lead to me feeding my breeding kink #so it's a win win situation really #but no for real it's twenty fuckin 24. write inclusive porn. it's not that fucking hard. or just #be up front. and say your shit isn't for transfems (or for pre/non-op ones). that's fine. sometimes shit isn't for you (me) and that's fine #i might think your kinda jerk. but in the same way that i think someone getting pizza delivered to their house is a jerk cuz i don't get an #not the end of the world. #just kinda sucks to get halfway through something relatable and then whoops here's a reminder y'all weren't thinking about trans women agai #maybe that's a me thing not being able to imagine having that equipment and more weed will fix it. i'll be testing that theory #the tags are longer than the post at this point because i am unhinged and i cannot be stopped. sorry.

[risingsunresistance]

shader pictures :]

#someone's gotta do it jkfhdkg #i like getting pictures around hypixel for you guys bc i know a lot of you dont log in #guiding ppl around during the memorial writing stuff was really important to me #sharing the pictures of the build when ppl couldnt see it and reading tags everyone left for him n stuff #idk #tw death #technoblade #hypixel #mine #shadertag #im GONNA make a separate tag for all my scenic pics n stuff. i'll fix it later but that's what it is for now #gotta go back through the crunchies tag and remove all the scenic stuff and stick it in that tag #maybe i'll do that tonight

[little-pup-pip]

Could I request a moodboard that's based off of Charles Henri Sanson *from the manga innocent rouge* being a caregiver to a little boy? No pacifier please! And preferably with fantasy and book related agere stuff? Thank you lol I'm sorry this is complicated

Sure!!

#charles henri sanson #innocent rouge #!! #im very lucky that i finished this in advance #Im able to write the tags on my laptop #i dont know when this problem will be fixed #so i guess i might have to take a hiatus for a while #or i'll have to make posts and tag people #maybe i'll make a poll #anyway i hope you like it!! #it wasnt complicated at all! #sfw interaction only #moodboard #sfw agere #age regression #sfw littlespace #agere moodboard #agere

[nyxofdemons]

four years for this show...

#IM SORRY. ITS JUST. IM SO. HHHHHRGN #its fine. its good. its entertaining to say the least #but from a writing perspective...... #im not an anti i am the worlds biggest helluva boss enjoyer the hellaverse is SO SPECIAL TO ME #but.. the more i see about hazbin s1...... #how in over four years was this what you came up with. how is the pacing this insane. how is this character treatment ok.... PLEASE #my sorta toxic trait is that as someone obsessed with media analysis; narrative devices; and story structure - #as well as just. someone who is an aspiring showrunner/creator working on my own huge projects - #is that every time i come across a movie or show that i think is done in a really lacking way. all i can think about is how i would #have done it instead #(this happens in a non-critical way too tbf if i really enjoy a book or game i'll be like they should let me make a based on film) #but hazbin. hazbin. all i have right now is 'i could fix her' in my head #I WOULD TREAT THESE CHARACTERS RIGHT I WOULD GIVE THEM THE NARRATIVE THEY DESERVE #there is. so much potential here. how is the execution so lacking #mine #good ideas!!!! good moments!!!!!!!! THE OVERALL CONSISTENT NARRATIVE IS NOT DOING SO HOT #as a side note though i really think this is why helluva is doing so much better in terms of pacing and writing. the structure of that show #is so much more accommodating to a long intricate story WHILE weaving in a billion different character stories #8 episodes for hazbin is insane season 1 needed twice as much #nyx crit tag

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

having shrimp emotions abt the end of shb again

#the nemesis speaks #swift plays ff14 #ffxiv spoilers #for the tags i'm sure i'll say something spoiler-y here #anyways AAAHGUGH.... wailing sobbing etc... #the way you fight HADES and not emet-selch at the end... #the way it's a climactic epic clash and a battle over the right to history #but it's ALSO the two of you kicking and screaming against an end that seems inevitable #his facade falling away piece by piece bc it's been so long and he's so tired and WHY DOES IT STILL HURT SO MUCH #AND WHY WON'T YOU JUST LET HIM WIN! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE- #and he's so ANGRY at you for daring to 1) exist and 2) not side with him #the fact that he was friends with azem AND venat and they're both dead or functionally dead now #and you are alive and you carry their legacy and you DARE to keep defying him. (THEY keep defying him.) #it's best for everyone. he wants them back. why won't they let him fix it. #he's ssooooooo. #and then ardbert i could write a whole second fucking tag essay about HIM. everything to me. #anyway. i cannot in good conscience tell anyone to play shb bc you have to slog through a lot of ''just okay'' mmo content to get there #and also it spensive kinda #but WAUGH i wish ppl saw my VISION

[dupliciti]

i think one of the only things i have yet to talk about from 2.0 content is sp.arkle's voiceline about sa.mpo when they're on the same team ( waiting for them to add one for sa.mpo for spa.rkle for team join or just an About one... )

i'm going with what's in the english text: 

"Shouldn't the "Fool" introduce himself to everyone?"

the other languages are just about the same i believe

anyways, i WANT to believe this is playing off the fact that sa.mpo has not yet outright told us (the player) and the trailblazer that he's a mas.ked fool

it's been heavily implied up through this point, the most damning being that sa.mpo like other fools drops in talks of joy and mentions a mask. and also talks about the tavern, knows giovanni and sp.arkle... ya get me. he hasn't outright said anything. which kinda makes me go back again to the memory bubble question - did sa.mpo or giovanni leave it for us? giovanni was the one that suggested we go to penacony after all, yknow... just 'cause

regardless of this, spa.rkle's line being this for him joining team rather than more mockery about how he draws a line i think is somewhat telling. even if sa.mpo has said that they aren't close, she has a good idea of who he is. he's reliable, sets limitations, and she knows he doesn't like her view of aesthetics (pursuing the Elation) and this could extend into not liking her very much. he's getting his mask back after seemingly doing without it for a reason. perhaps she's grown used to this more laid back, behind the scenes sa.mpo, hence him commenting in that one scene that even an old timer like him likes to take the stage from time to time

so there's a couple of different shifts that he's apparently gone through. at least i believe that's implied

spa.rkle almost sounds like she's daring him to own up to the fact that he is a mas.ked fool instead of tiptoeing around it for the sake of those he's taken some sort of liking to. she knows what he is and thinks that everyone else ought to know. i don't think that's necessarily with malicious intent but she is very well aware that he has been concealing the fact, especially after her own run in with the TB

#anyways i am... gonna try writing between work. shit is kinda stupid this morning im a lil upset #i need a meta/analysis tag bwuh #( analysis; ) #that's what i'll make later and then fix up my hc tag asjkdgh #( ◇ ᵐʸ ᵈᵉᵃʳ ᵃᵘᵈⁱᵉⁿᶜᵉ┊ ooc; )

[blushblushbear]

Hi, good to have you back!

Okay so hear me out- Double proposals. Their going to propose to their wonderful S/O when they find out we had the same thing in mind. Like we both get on one knee and both end up whipping out rings? What's their reaction?

A headcanon with anyone you think would have most reaction to it

THIS ENDED UP BEING A LOT SO I'M PUTTING IT IN A READ MORE AHHHH

Nimh: He is so so flustered. He was actually low key mentally preparing for you to say no so the fact that YOU were already planning on asking HIM??? He's gonna need to sit down, the room is spinning and his heart is fluttery

Also I picture him asking on a picnic date.

Volks: He's stunned. Like actually just staring at you in disbelief. He'd SAY he knew you were gonna say yes (you had to at this point, ya know?) but part of him was really worried that you didn't actually want to. Or if you DID want to, you didn't want it as much as him, and he hates being the one who cares more (make him feel too vulnerable) (also I feel like he'd ask you at a waterfall???)

He plays it cool (if a bit stammery and flustered) while around you but rest assured when he's in bed later that night he is so excited and giddy and relieved-- he couldn't stop smiling AND NO ONE CAN KNOW

Kelby: He's shocked but like one of those drunk people who got showed some dope street magic. He's so pumped but also can't believe cause NO WAY! OH NO WAY! YOU WERE GONNA PROPOSE?? /HE/ WAS GONNA PROPOSE!!! HAHAHA OH MAN NO WAY!!! later he says that he wished in that moment that he'd told you 'jinx, you owe me a soda' (he asks you at your guys' favorite park, but he waits till sundown to make it extra romantic)

Eli: So this old school romantic fucker made it super obvious he was gonna propose. He showed up that evening on a horse dressed like a prince. And didn't even bat an eye that you were also dressed like royalty. He whisks you away for an evening of cheesy romance but just before he pops the question he actually looks deep into your eyes and gets all poetically sincere. When you smirk and pull out your ring and say "you were gonna ask the same thing" he smirks back with "had a feeling you were going to-- I love you, but I couldn't be beaten to the punch, darling! You understand! NOW PUT A RING ON IT BEYONCE AND GIVE YOUR FIANCEE A SMOOCH!" He jokes and smarms and cheeses but honestly he's really super grateful to have you.

Anon: He actually plays it super casual but the whole time leading up to it he's crazy nervous. He asks in a really low key way-- I think you're just playing video games at his place and he asks if you'd wanna maybe move in and also maybe make it forever and also maybe marry him. He legit plays it like it's a spur of the moment thing that he just blurts out but when you laugh he says he's serious and pulls a ring out of his pocket. He stares at you waiting for his answer and when you stammer he thinks for a moment that he's going to be rejected. But before that sinking feeling can make it all the way to his stomach you pulled out a ring and said you had been trying to think of the right way to ask. He lived and breathed off that high he felt in that moment for about 3 weeks.

Garret: Fully taken by surprise. He cries and scoops you up into his arms. He super can not believe you were planning on proposing too. says he wishes he had waited to ask now so you could ask first and he could give you the same happy feeling you're giving him right now! But he tells you "Don't worry, Garret will find many ways to give you that feeling for the rest of our lives!"

I'm thinking-- maybe apple picking date?? Or a fair date??

Dmitri: Candle lit dinner over looking the sea at a private table at one of the finest restaurants he could find. Rose petals EVERYWHERE, heart shaped EVERYTHING, he is in a tux with his shirt slightly open, HE RENTED A BAND. A string quartet to be precise. He makes the evening as classically romantic as he possibly could. He read you a poem that he wrote with the band playing in the bg. Then at the end of his poem, he gets down on one knee and asks you to be his forever. As you excitedly pull out your own ring he stares at it awestruck. He's silent and unmoving for a moment before his other knee drops down and he's now crying at your feet. He tells you how happy you make him, how lucky he feels, and holds out his hand for you to put the ring on it. He slips your ring on you and then dips you dramatically, telling you "Now kiss me under the stars, my darling"

Ichiban: He streams his proposal. He makes it seem like one of those things were it's like "oh ho ho my S/O doesn't know I'm about to propose to them-- what this~~! >:3" but then you throw him a curve ball and actually pull out your ring and ask him first. He was so sucker punched by the whole thing he ends up crying on stream. The clip of him getting a proposal jump scare goes viral.

William: He actually tries to keep it low key and sweet. Well-- tries to. He's definitely a fumbly nervous mess the whole night. Dinner, dancing and then a boat ride. He brings a boom box out onto the lake. He hits play and then does the whole down on one knee thing and starts his proposal speech, but part way through he realizes that this is the wrong track and asks for just a moment to switch it. He wrestles with the boombox for a bit before fumbling it into the lake. As he watches it sink down in the water, he sighs and feels so defeated, but when you call his name and he turns to you with a kicked puppy look only to see a ring in your hand he legit cannot believe his eyes. He is in stunned shock as you take his hand and give him YOUR proposal speech. The first thing out of his mouth is "REALLY?!" when you laugh and say yes as you slip the ring on his finger, he's still processing it and after a moment of staring at the ring on his finger, mouth agape, he repeats "REALLY?!"

He asks you if your sure or if this is real about a 100 times on the way home that night.

Myx: He got his band to give you a private show to "preview their new set", at the end of which he shouts a declaration of love into the mic and says "and I have just one question for you babe--" and the lights behind him light up with the words 'WILL YOU MARRY ME?'

and as you walk up on stage, drop to your knee and pull out a ring, he can't stop smiling. He kisses you and then WHOOs /SO LOUD/. To say he's over the moon would be an understatement.

Stirling: He takes you out onto a private lake that he owns and has specially flattened so he can skate on it without ruining his skates. He walks you through a graceful yet simple couples routine and then once you've got it down he hits some lights (were those always there?) and you two perform it in full. At the end he surprises you with one final move that was not in the choreography he had shown you-- he slides toward you on one knee, pulling a ring from his shirt and holding it out to you. You look surprised and tell him to wait one second, and then start awkwardly skating out to the end towards your bag. He sits there silently in that proposal pose feeling himself sweat for a second before you come sliding back towards him with your own ring in hand. He stares at it in shock for a moment before smiling sweetly and simply saying "even now, you're still full of surprises.

Scale: He left you a map. Well-- it was more like a puzzle or a riddle. You're own national treasure style hunt towards a 'big surprise' that he refused to tell you. You ran through busy streets, jumps across rooftops, went through a jungle, through a secret entrance behind a waterfall and climbed a secret stairway all the way to the top of a mountain-- all the while feeling like there was someone following you. When you finally got to the top of the mountain it seemed like no one was there-- until a dagger was flung in your direction and embedded itself in the tree behind you. A note was attached to the dagger that read 'turn around'. When you turned, you found a hooded figure looming behind you. "you probably are wondering why I brought you here..." It ripped off it's cloak to reveal Scale in a tux, "I have an important question to ask you." He walked towards you, dropped down on one knee and before he could take out his ring or even begin to ask you pulled out a ring of your own. He looked at it in shock with a blush on his face before leaping to his feet and saying "Wh--WAIT NO FAIR I WAS GONNA ASK FIRST!"

Sven: He had invited you over for a traditional home cooked meal but when you got there you found him in the kitchen, apron still on, oven mitts still on his hands as he was on the floor crying over what looked like it was a souffle but it was so burnt you couldn't be sure. When he noticed you there he started to bawl even harder "NO! NO NO! THIS IS NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO!!" he curled onto the ground whimpering as he held back more tears and muttered "there was something I wanted to ask you... but I can't do it like this..." you knelt down beside him, petting his hair trying to console him. "I... actually had something I wanted to ask you too." you said. And then you pulled out a ring and his eyes went wide. "Sven-- would you" before you can even finish you are off the ground being spun around in Sven's arms as he beams "YES! YES! A MILLION TIMES YES!"

Cole: Cole planned to play it low key. He couldn't let his hand show too early. Tonight he was going to make you his, and you weren't gonna see it coming. He had booked a dinner at a nice restaurant. Not so nice that it would draw suspicion but definitely a step above your usual place. He was gonna wait till the end of dinner and spring it on you out of nowhere. It was the perfect plan. After the plates were cleared and it was just you, him, and two glasses of wine, he reached his hand over, taking your hand in his and bringing it to his lips to kiss with a sly smile. "Have I ever told you you look breathtaking in the moonlit? I'm sure I have, but it never hurts to be repeated." He reaches into his pocket to pull out the ring "In fact, I think it would be better if you go those sorts of compliments more often. Perhaps, everyday... an easy feat for me to do once your m--" he froze dead in his tracks as he opened his eyes to a ring box in front of you on the table. He let out a nervous laugh, "heh... w-what's this dearest?" Why was his palms suddenly so sweaty??? why was all of him suddenly so sweaty??? No matter, it's fine, it's nothing, he can remain calm. You open the box, holding it up for him, and asking you to marry him.

....YOU.... were asking HIM.... YOU..... were asking.... HIM???????? YOU--- YOU WERE OFFERING YOUR HAND TO HIM???? YOU WERE ASKING HIM???? YOU WANTED TO MARRY HIM???? YOU WERE PROPOSING????? he could feel his pulse racing YOU-- AND HIM--- YOU HAD A RING??????? YOU--- WERE ASKING---- HIM?????????

"Cole?" your voice cut through his sudden panic like knife. ...A soft and gentle knife.... he looked up at your eyes and you were looking at him with concern-- had he lost his cool???? oh, he guesses he HAS been just staring at the ring wide eyed and unblinking for a full minute now HA HA ha... he clears his throat, trying desperate to cover up any traces of swooning or being flustered "ahem-- YES, sorry, I uh--" he pulls out his ring and opens the box towards you, "I guess you beat me to the punch"

Poe: He takes you out into a field, with a picnic and many candles to help you both see. He reads you a book of poems that remind him of you, and then ends it with a poem of his own. He didn't flinch at any of the other sappy love poems he read that evening but as he drew to the end of his own, he was starting to sweat, knowing what comes next. He finishes off his poem and closes his notebook with a sigh. He reaches into his pocket but before he can pull out the ring you stop him and say that you have a poem you wrote that you wish to read him now. He could never pass up a poem from you. He listened to you with wrapped attention, your voice was like a lullaby. He let his eyes flutter close as he smiled and let your words wash over him. When you finished, he opened his eyes to a brilliant night sky, feeling the ring in his pocket. As he pulled it out and looked towards you, he was meet with a ring meant to be a mate to his. He was shocked, though aside from a blush it barely showed. He simply smiled softly and as he slipped the ring on your finger, said, "to the next chapter of our story..."

Cashew: The two of you had spent library dates quietly passing notes back and forth to each other, so that's how he decided he was going to propose. As he sat next to you sweating bullets in a library, he pretended like nothing was different, and this was a totally normal library date with totally normal notes and he totally didn't have a ring in his pocket or a rose in his backpack. Then the time came. You had slid your shared notebook over to him and he held up finger to indicate he was going to write something long and to give him a moment. When you nodded and turned your attention back to your book he covered the notebook a little a wrote 'will you marry me?' on it, he quietly pulled the ring out of his pocket and the rose out of his backpack and placed them both on the notebook, covering it up just enough so that you don't see yet. then he felt a tap on his shoulder and he nearly jumped out of his skin. He glanced over at you and saw a folded up prewritten note that had been sealed with a heart sticker (you were so cute), and as he took it, you glanced at him, pointing to note, indicating that you wanted him to read it. His aniexty flared up and he began to sweat even harder as he thought 'HA w-what if this is a break up note and I'm getting dumped right now? HAHA' with shakey hands he opened the note and a ring fell out pinged onto the table. reading the words on the paper 'will you marry me? Y/N' froze him in a moment. He was sitting there, staring at the ring on the table, clutching the note and vibrating with excitement.

Someone in the next isle shooshed him.

"HOLY SHIT-- I mean---" he lowered his voice, "holy shit!!!!! Y-yes! I---"

he slid the notebook your way, "YES!"

Seth: His was somewhat spur of the moment. He had gotten a ring but still hadn't figured out the right way to ask you. After about 3 weeks of racking his brain for the perfect proposal he finally just said fuck it. One night while you two were lying in bed he looked you square in the eyes and said "marry me?" at first you laughed it off but as he reached out and pulled the ring out of the draw, turned back to you, took your hand and looking at you once more replied, "I'm serious. Marry me." You looked at the ring in shock and surprise for a moment, "L-look, I know this isn't the romantic way to ask you, but I've been thinking about it for forever now and I figured it was time I just--" you rolled over to your side of the bed, digging through your clothes. For a second he thought you were about to get up and storm out on him but when you rolled back over with a ring of your own in your hand, he grew a crazy smile

"Hell yeah!"

#blush blush #blush blush game #bear answers #bear talks #bear text #bear writes #I'm sorry I don't have it in me to tag the individual boys tonight I just can't #THIS TOOK FOREVER TO WRITE I WANTED IT TO BE QUICK BUT I JUST KEPT GETTING LONGER AND LONGER #I need to fix some of my tags later anyways so #I'll save that as a problem for future bear

[manofthepipis]

Here are my own Addison/Spamton headcannons to add on! :]

(buckle up cause I got a lot)

If Spamton tries to talk about personal memories that he tried very hard to bury, (like his puppitfication), he physically cant. If he talks about a memory that overwhelms him his body would spaz out in glitches and error signs. (kinda like a system crash)

I feel like if the Adds were to get the grasp of healing magic, the first one to perfect it would be Clicks. (bc he already makes tea that heals you!)

Sponsor owns a motorcycle! (because they thought it made them look cool) And regularly takes it out for a spin when he's done with work for the day.

Survey is a secret horror fan, and when having movie nights with the other adds, they would always recommend horror movies that they personally like.

I feel like Banner really focused on clothing after Spamton went missing, (he only really did this as a side hustle/hobby beforehand) as it was a good distraction and a way to cope, and he found out he was really good at it! And made it his primary business.

When an addison gives a gift with no underlying intention/price tag attached, it is seen as a sign of a genuine friendship, familial, or courtship relations, (like when they all gifted Spamton the new phone) as all addisons are selfish in nature

Clicks 1000000000% cried at the Barbie movie and has a poster of her in his room lololol

Sponsor absolutely LOVES those shitpost videos on TikTok, like that smurf-cat that's been trending recently? his feed is FULL of videos like that

Its hard for Spamton to open up for a variety of reasons, because he HATES it when people give him pity, he's been dealing with that his whole life, and knows that bigshot's don't get those looks.

Along with fashion, Banner is CRAZY good at makeup, and that's when he and Clicks have most of their gossip sessions when doing Clicks makeup when they're hanging out together

Survey has a soft spot for holiday seasons (not just because of shopping sales and spike and sales, cause all addisons are scrambling when october hits,) but also because it's a time they feel all warm and fuzy with their family :]

To add on to the motorcycle thing, Banner was very against Sponsor getting one, as he heard about horror stories on those "death traps" (his words)

to add on to the one above, Sponsor didn't wear a helmet once, (cause he only needed to go like, a street down to grab something,) and Banner gave him HELL. bro went on a whole rant about Bike saftey and Sponsor always wore a helmet after that incident (a mad banner is very scary! cause i hc that he always keeps his chill) (Banner is not beating mom friend allegations)

Jevil LOVES messing with Clicks the most, as he's the drama queen, and his reactions are hilarious cause he HATES the clown. Jevil will do things like change his wallpaper, take secret selfies, or just flat out jumpscare him because it never gets old...

Sponsor is a BEAST at Just Dance, like, bro is doing breakdancing for every single song, and he WILL make EVERYONE do the dances correctly, (as clicks likes to half-ass it by just moving the controller correctly)

Banner is the strongest physically out of all the addisons. Y'know like, that punching bag game in arcades where the harder you punch the bag the more points you get? Banner DEMOLISHED that, and has one of the highest scores still.

Clicks secretly plays dating sim games as a guilty pleasure

also have you seen eviction day yet? If not, I HIGHLY reccomend! I will add a warning for flashing lights and disturbing imagry though, https://youtu.be/fzzGtz4v3YU?si=6-AD5j8qrGARbdM3

but yea! here are my silly lil headcannons for the silly lil guys :]

i'm incredibly happy with the energy we've created in the studio today

also known as omg i love these headcanons like this is great food hfjdksjdjdks

the first one i also share! and it's a bit of why i headcanon swatch feels distant from spamton out of everybody he talks to. Like they were rlly close at one point and talked a lot, and swatch was his shoulder at high stress points in his job. However when the Horrors happened, he physically couldn't explain anything, leaving swatch to wonder what exactly happened to him and then build up resentment for keeping them in the dark. They even tried to help at first, but help turned to hate real fast when neo got involved.

i love the idea over clicks and spamton maybe bonding over some healing magic, like i had something similar in mind for a future chapter but this rlly has me smiling at the possibilities. spamton would maybe give him some tips- for a price. He IS thinking about trying to capitalize the whole healing gig after all since he's good at it.

banner going into clothing after spamton disappeared makes sense, especially with keeping busy trying to forget about him (it's awful hard to with the mannequins looking the way they do, but maybe that's a good thing in the long run) also i adore the mom friend vibe these headcanons have about him. i'd love to add on to the helmet thing, as I feel Clicks would join him on this (he's protective) but sponsor (and maybe even survey) claims it's fine if it was just once.

i completely agree with surv and the holidays. honestly i feel like they're the most ambitious with holiday sales and are unmatched, kind of peaking during seasonal sales in general (seeing how many survey ads are in place when customer shopping is at an all time high). spamton was indifferent to the holiday craze (cuz even when addisons were at their busiest, he wasn't) but liked when everything settled down after they weren't as busy to talk with him again. I have a picture in mind of survey chilling with spamton and realizing this, how happy he is when they're not busy (and feeling as if he was supposed to be), and being happy in return, if not sympathetic to him.

jevil pranking the adds and being a general nuisance is just so funny to me. gosh i can just imagine the absolute chaos he'd bring to a tea shop, mixing up the names and flavors, upon the other things (especially the wallpaper that has me cracking up with ideas). spamton, at the request (and payment) of clicks, gets jevil to stop (maybe. it's unclear if hes actually stopped completely or if there's smaller pranks here and there) but he secretly finds it hilarious.

overall these headcanons are great and i'm so happy to see them shared

#ALSO i haven't seen eviction day yet! This is the first i'm hearing about it so i'll give it a look :D #there's so many of them and i'm eating each and every one <3 #i'd add on to everything if i could but i feel like my add ons are long enough lmao srry #when i get talking about this feral lil beast of a character i cannot stop thinking and thinking #thank you so much for the brain food i love these #i lowkey wanna write a clicks and banner makeup sesh now #maybe as a one shot or something #maybe they rope spamton into it but he's not too excited about anyone touching his face but him (for obvious reasons) #but they like maybe wanna fix the blush on his cheeks since it looks kinda faded/scratched after he's lived in the trash for so long #he'd deny it but after a long look in the mirror thinks about reconsidering it #see im adding on but in the tags there's no hope for me hfjdjsksksk #dr!hc #asks #fanfic #sponsor being on a motorcycle is SO COOL i can't get it outta my head #long post

[araekniarchive]

'penelope at the loom', @araekni

#my writing #original #spilled ink #words #prose #poetry #@araekni #mine #theme: i have no choice but to live with this #theme: i'll try again. let me try again #theme: creation #theme: unmaking #theme: begin again #funny how i have a load of tags where im trying to day how this feels and never quite getting there #local web weaver once again putting all her emotions in a piece of art and hoping that fixes her

[ghostussy]

     Forced Bliss

     Copia x Insomniac, Chronic Pain reader 

     / / / 

     First off, I am so sorry for the lack of content lately. Life has kicked me in the metaphorical dick about a million times this month. And on top of everything else, I’m dealing with arthritis and depression flare-ups thanks to the changing weather. Please, take this fic as a peace offering. <3 

      Also if anyone has any advice for managing arthritis throughout the night, it would be greatly appreciated! Mine keeps waking me up and I am tired lol

     TW: Mentions of chronic pain, insomnia, high emotions/sobbing, breakdown

. . .

      It was late at night when you went for a stroll in the Abbey; much too late for anyone to be awake, save for the ghouls. They were always up to something mischievous; sometimes it seemed as though they never slept. You could hear their faint shouts from down the hall, confirming that they were awake and causing trouble, as usual. The sounds of chaos provided a small comfort, serving as a small reminder that others resided in the building and that you were not alone. 

     Of course, it was too late for you to be walking throughout the cold Ministry halls as well, and you predicted that Sister Imperator would have your head if she discovered you. Still, you kept walking; you should be in bed, but you found yourself unable to sleep. The few moments of rest you had gotten were fitful, and plagued by nightmares. Of course, these nightmares were unlike the ones you had seen in movies; there was no thrashing, no calling out into the night; and certainly no one to comfort you. You had felt the panic set in slowly, strategically burning at the edges of your mind as you fought through your sleepy haze. Finally, you had woken up, gasping into your pillow. You had clumsily dove to your side table, frantically searching for the switch to your lamp and knocking over anything that got in your way. You felt yourself spill a glass of water, tossing papers, nudging your glasses and medications until they fell onto the floor. By the time you had finally managed to turn on the light, the table and the surrounding area was a mess. You had stared at it for a moment, the panic beginning to subside. Then, you eased yourself onto the floor and began to sob quietly. 

     After a few moments of this, the room that once provided a sanctuary to you felt suffocating. Now, here you were, walking aimlessly, trying desperately to clear your head.  

     As you crept down the dim hallways, you noticed how beautiful the Ministry was at night. The moon shone through the windows, casting a faint glow all around you. Altars sat alongside the walls, the still-burning candles illuminating dancing shadows down the hallway. You approached the window, looking outside into the courtyard. You looked up, gazing lovingly into the night sky. It was a clear night, and the stars peppered the sky, almost as if the universe had it’s own set of freckles. 

     You sat there for a while, longer that you’d intended; eyes transfixed on the sky, you were unaware of your surroundings. 

     You nearly jumped out of your skin when you heard a small cough from behind you.

     Turning around, you were met with a very tired-looking Copia, dressed in his usual sweatsuit. His makeup had been washed off, and sleep was in his eyes. When he spoke, his voice was soft and gruff, as though he had just been woken up from a deep sleep. “Hello there, cara. May I ask what you are doing out of bed so late?” 

     You stammered, panicking at having been caught. “O-oh, my deepest apologies, papa! I was simp, ah- simply going for a walk, is all. To, uh, clear my head.”

     He continued to look at you with raised eyebrows, and you felt as though he was staring right through you in search of the truth. 

     “I couldn’t sleep,” you admitted tiredly after a moment. While this wasn’t the only reason to be out of bed, it was still technically the truth. 

    His gaze softened as he looked at you. “Oh, ragazzo. You poor thing. You must be so tired, si? Come, please let me help you get back to sleep.”

     “Oh, no, papa, don’t worry yourself. Please, go back to bed. I will return to my bedroom as well.” You faked a small yawn, hoping he would buy it.

     He gently wrapped an arm around your shoulders, and you flinched at the sudden contact. “Little one, you are still shaking. Please, allow me to provide you some comfort.”

     You pulled away, and he moved his arm so you could easily do so. “I’m not shaking. I’m okay, papa, really. Thank you for concerning yourself with me, but I am alright.”

     He rubbed the side of his face with one hand before looking at you once more. “Y/n. I am an old man, and I am very tired. Let’s cut to the chase; one of my ghouls sold you out. I know that you haven’t been sleeping well, and that you are haunted by nightmares. I also know that tonight has been the worst so far. So please, come lie down with me.” He cupped your face with his ungloved hand. It was warm against your skin, and he rubbed the soft tip of his thumb in circles along your cheek. You melted into the touch, wishing for a moment to be held in his arms; after all, you knew that he would hold you safely and securely, allowing you to sleep soundly for once. After a few seconds, you pulled away, coming back to your senses. 

     “I-”

     “Yes, you can, and you will,” he urged you gently. “Now, come lie down, and get some proper rest for once. That is an order from your papa.”

     You sighed in defeat. “Okay.”

. . .

     It wasn’t long before Copia had coaxed you into his bed, nestled deep underneath the covers against him. You lay with your head on his chest, arm draped over his stomach. It made you seem needy, clinging to him the way that you did- but you didn’t care. Weeks of poor sleep and nightmares made you desperate, leaving you constantly exhausted. You wondered if you should have fought him a little more, insisted that you were okay and gone back to your bedroom- but part of you was glad to finally be held.

     It was dark in his bedroom, but you felt safe in his hold. The two of you laid like that for a while; you found yourself unable to fall asleep, and he refused to rest until you did. Despite being held so gently and being so exhausted, you simply couldn’t sleep. Your mind raced, thinking of anything and everything. What you had done that day, what you would be doing the next day, how you were pulling Copia away from his own precious sleep. You thought of your conversation earlier, how you could have slipped away instead of burdening him with your insomnia. You hoped that in the morning, he would not be too tired to carry out his duties. 

     After several moments of this, you heard him sigh before he placed a hand on your back. Gently, yet firmly, he rubbed his hand in circles, carefully massaging your tired muscles. He placed his other hand in your hair, combing through it gently and scratching at your scalp. You let out a gentle sigh, wrapping your arm tighter around him and nuzzling your face as close to him as you could get. 

     “C?”

     “Yes, amore?”

     Another quiet sigh escaped your lips as he worked into a sore spot. You completely lost your words, only responding with a quiet, “ohhh.”

     He let out a small chuckle. “Ah, there we go,” he purred, “I am shutting off that overactive brain of yours. Surely it must be difficult to rest with so many thoughts, si? So please, allow me to assist.” You found his gentle, soothing touches to be overwhelming. Soon, it was all you could think of, and you could do little except lie there and melt into him. Before long, you found yourself fighting sleep, wishing to enjoy the moment longer. Your eyelids fluttered shut, then open, then shut, then open again. “Ah, caro bambino, please. Rest your eyes. I will still be here in the morning; both yours and my own duties are put on hold until you have slept, and slept well. This means that you may rest as long as you need to, child."

"'Kay..." you mumbled into his chest, barely awake. Within seconds, your breathing had evened out, and you had gone lax within his hold. You could feel the exhaustion at the back of your mind, clouding your thoughts as you peered up at him with half-lidded eyes; he looked down at you with adoration, smiling as your eyelids slid shut finally and sleep overcame you.

. . .

     You awoke with a gentle start a few hours later, shaking slightly. You noticed it was still dark outside, and groaned in frustration. A familiar pain radiated through the hip you’d slept on, spreading through your leg and into your knee. Looking up, you noticed Copia, who was fast asleep; his face leaning against one of the many pillows he was propped against. His mouth was slightly ajar, soft snores escaping his lips. The shadows underneath his eyes were much clearer now that his face was relaxed completely; you felt terrible for keeping him awake earlier. 

     One of his hands rested on your back, the other still loosely tangled in your hair. Carefully, you removed yourself from his grasp, whimpering quietly as the pain in your hip increased greatly. He stirred, but didn’t wake as you sat on the edge of the bed. You waited a moment, feeling the pain begin to subside. Flexing your fingers, you could feel that your knuckles were swollen.

     You rubbed a fist into your tired eyes. They burned with exhaustion, and you longed for sleep once more; however, you knew that you would most likely not be sleeping again tonight. Every night, it was the same pattern; you would retire early, struggling to sleep for hours; and when you finally found rest, you would awaken only a few hours later in pain. Once you’d awakened, you would be awake the rest of the night. It was a vicious cycle that left you constantly exhausted, and you had grown tired of it long ago. 

     Tears pricked at the back of your eyes. You quickly rubbed both fists in your eyes, determined not to allow them to fall. You were unsuccessful as your joints ached and your body screamed for sleep. Once they started, you could not stop the steady stream from falling down your cheeks. Once the floodgates had opened, you were suddenly choking back sobs, trying to stay quiet so that you wouldn’t wake the man sleeping close to you. Your whole body shook violently and you doubled over, resting your elbows on your knees and pressing your face into your hands. Your sobs came out forcefully, and you found yourself gasping quietly for air. 

     “Y/n...?”

      Oh, no. 

     You sat up after hearing his voice. Though you had spoken to him many times, this time it felt... different. You longed once more to be held, for him to soothe you gently. Yet, you had already burdened him with so much. You couldn’t bring yourself to ask so much of him. 

     Another choked sob forced it’s way out of the back of your throat, and he quickly scrambled out of bed, making his way over to you. He knelt in front of you, taking your hands in his. “Oh, tesoro. What is the matter? Are you unwell? Are you not sleeping well? Please, tell me so that I may help you.”

    You were unable to speak; this only worried him further. He reached up and brushed away your tears before pulling you into his embrace. He rubbed your back soothingly, whispering small phrases in a mix of Italian and Latin. You buried your face in his chest, sobbing into him. Weeks of pent-up frustration, sleepless nights, pain, and depression seemed to all come out of you all at once as you cried, tears staining his shirt. He paid this no mind, instead focusing on comforting you as much as he could. You clung to him tightly, as though you had been stranded in the middle of the ocean and he was the only piece of driftwood for miles. Sobs wracked your body, and you shook violently against his strong, steady hold. He truly was your lifeline. 

     Suddenly, you found your words. 

     “Cope... Copia...”

     “Shh, darling, I’m here for you,” he whispered, “I’m right here, let it out. It’s going to be okay, I promise.”

     You gripped his shirt tighter. “I’m sorry- Lord, I’m so sorry- I didn’t mean it, I didn’t- I swear, I’m sorry-” He pulled you closer as you fell into hysterics once more.

     “Hey now, none of that, okay? You’re going to be okay, alright? I promise, you will get through this. But I need you to tell me what’s wrong, okay?”

     Your head bobbed slightly, and Copia wasn’t sure if you were nodding or on the verge of passing out from exhaustion. Probably both. 

     The sobs slowed, and you finally started to relax against him. “I’m sorry,” you started, sounding sincere. 

     “Shh, no more of that, now.” He brushed the hair from your face, and wiped away your remaining tears. “What can I do to help?”

     “You’ve already done so much,” your voice was choked, desperate. Still, he pressed on. 

    “Y/n. I want you to look at me.” When you did so, he felt his heart shatter. The shadows underneath your eyes were a dark, deep shade of purple. He saw many emotions in your eyes, and your face was flushed, a slight red color flooding your tearstained cheeks. “I will always be here for you. I know you are suffering. I need you to tell me how I can alleviate your pain, alright?” 

     “I... I don’t know.”

     “What hurts, child?” 

     “I just... I’m so tired, papa. And I’m sore from sleeping.”

     “Oh, dear. Is it the arthritis?” You nodded in response. 

     “Okay, I can work with that. How about a quick bath? To sooth those painful joints, yes? Doesn’t that sound nice?”

     You leaned further into him, exhaustion evident within your movements. “Yeah...”

    “Or would you like to rest instead?”

     You hummed in response, not fully awake. 

     “I’m going to take that to mean that you would like to rest instead.” He cradled you in his arms, moving to place you on the bed. While you were still in his arms, you whimpered, still in pain. “Oh, dear...”

     You opened your eyes, leaning up against him slightly. “Sorry. Must’ve drifted off.” 

     “That’s alright.” He set you back down on the bed. “I am going to get you some painkillers, and a heating pad. Then, in the morning, we will run you a hot bath. Does that sound good?”

     “Hm...”

     “Excellent.” He laid you back on the bed, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead before standing once more. “Sit tight. I’ll be right back.”

     You laid there for a few moments, fighting to stay awake until Copia returned. For once, you found evading sleep to be difficult; and you were grateful. 

     Not much time had passed when he returned with a bottle of extra-strength ibuprofen. He handed you three pills, which you took carefully; then he used his arms to support you as he placed a heating pad on your hip. When he crawled back into bed, you wasted no time cozying up next to him once more. Instead of laying your head on his chest, you opted to press yourself close to him as you possibly could; wrapping your arms around him, you curled up in the crook of his arm, tangling your legs together. He chuckled, loving every second of your sleep-deprived clinginess. He ran his hand through your hair once more, enveloping you in his loving embrace. It wasn’t long before you fell asleep once more, and stayed that way. 

. . .

@lightbluuestars     

#I'll do a part 2 later. It's 2 am for me and my sleep schedule is fucked #I tried to stay up late and get up early a few days ago to fix my schedule and it made things so much worse lol rip me #anyways this is very dramatic and self indulgent but my arthritis keeps waking me up so. here ya go I guess lol #copia x reader #papa copia #copia comfort #copia x chronic pain reader #copia #copia x reader insomnia #author is very tired it's been a long few days please forgive me for whatever this is #Hopefully I can manage writing on a regular basis soon #tw: medication #tw: chronic pain #tw: arthritis #tw: panic attack #tw: breakdown #If I missed any tags lmk

[insecateur]

Me, looking at vulgar french words for penis: Oh neat they also have Verga

Also tbt to the time a teacher of mine said "Le bilo bitte" instead of Bic and we spent a full hour laughing

"verge" is commonly used in french smut and is at least marginally better than "membre" which is a nightmare imo. "organe" is another euphemism which i feel like you need to be very confident in order to pull off. i haven't written smut in french in so long i'd like to write some this year

"bite" is always funny altho i do think going a step further and reaching for "teub" gives it a real special flavor

#la réponse d #also bite is just always a riot in english. #french smut is a lot less vulgar than in english in general funnily enough at least in fic #people will use euphemisms for everything. even in like pwp #i saw 'bite' only in like. two fics back when i was researching for my in-universe fanfiction #i do have a soft spot for 'verge' tho even if it's silly #when i was writing the bad french smut i wanted to try and use 'engin' somewhere but couldn't do it #i do think augustine would use 'engin' to talk about lysandre's dick to aggravate him tho. #would probably make puns and jokes about him being an engineer. #anyway sorry for going in a tangent i am still shiniless and suffering💔 #talking about funny peepee words helps #WHY DID A BUNCH OF THE WORDS GET ADDED AS TAGS LMFAO. #ohhhh it's bc i forgot not to use quotes oughhhhhhh brain empty #okay i'll fix this on pc later but first missing word was bite. second was uhh i think verge. last was ENGIN #my tags are ruined but i'm not retyping all that sry #i fixed it on pc.

[allaganexarch]

ASKS hmmmmmmmm 5 / 8 / 20 ?

👀👀👀

I just need to say I love that these eye emojis are coming into my house sdkjnfjnkfknjf they're so big and for WHAT tumblr LOL! Saving 5 for the end so I can readmore the snippet!

8. Is there a story idea in your mental vault that you’ve never been brave enough to try writing? Is this the year? Can you tell us about it?

kjndfsnjkdfsknjfsd literally the only things I'm weird about writing are smut ideas okay!!! and they're not even that weird it's me i'm the problem!!!!!!!!! So idk, the LiandrinxReader fic will probably be a nice challenge for me on that front, and who knows, maybe this is the year the Hawkedith light bondage fic sees the light of day. oh actually you know what for a non-smut idea I've always wanted to do a tropey time travel fic! but i think i would make myself insane LOL. maybe this will be the year!!!

20. Any plans to work on original fiction this year?

OHOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! It's honestly so hard to choose and prioritize what to work on!!! I have 2 big original ideas, both of which I have rambled at you about extensively LOL. I think I can make a good chunk of progress on the nano nonsense fic this year, since the style is pretty firmly in my wheelhouse and I have a pretty strong idea of the main plot through-line. We'll see how I'm feeling, but I think once I get a few of my lingering fanfic projects done I'll be ready to focus on my original things again! Month-long challenges like nano actually work really well for me when I can manage them, so I might try to do something like that eventually to make some significant progress!

5. Which WIP is first on your list to complete this year? Will you post a snippet?

Again, it's soooooo hard to choose and prioritize!!! Scorched earth is in general my top priority because I just don't want to drag it out too long--before the most recent time my schoolwork beat me to death w a stick I was under the delusion that I could have it almost finished by the new year LOL! But since it's fairly simple in structure and I have it pretty clearly planned out, I mostly write chapters in one or two sittings. Second priority is advancing/finishing ghost of you, since the next chapter is literally almost done, I just got too busy to work on it. But instead I shall offer youuuuu Liandrin x Reader nonsense! It is once again a long snippet because I cannot just be normal.

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You heard a lot about Liandrin Sedai during your first year or two as a Novice.  There was a rumor, never confirmed but nonetheless ubiquitous, that a Novice had died under Liandrin’s tutelage not long before you had arrived.  As a result, she was no longer permitted to teach Novices.  Furthermore, it was suggested, Novices would do well to avoid her.  Reasons for this varied somewhat, from ‘lest they remind her of her very recent tragedy’ to ‘lest they become the next unwitting targets of her deadly ire.’

You’re sure you never saw her in all that time, though, and eventually you heard the story repeated less and less, only really trotted out when new students arrived to the White Tower.  You learned later that Liandrin had left the Tower for a long while after the incident of legend.  It’s common for sisters of the Red Ajah to take extended leave, and the unfortunate fate of the Novice in question had certainly not impeded her ability to perform the functions for which she is best-suited.

You have also learned since then that for every extended absence, there is a corresponding extended stay in the Tower, particularly for the powerful and influential.  Liandrin is quite popular, if perhaps controversial in some circles, and it has thus been impressed upon her how very much her talents are needed within these walls for the foreseeable future.

Nevertheless, you are nothing short of shocked to see her perched atop the teacher’s desk when you arrive for your afternoon lesson.  You glance out the window, perhaps to catch a glimpse of the dire emergency that must have incapacitated so many Aes Sedai that Liandrin has been deemed a suitable substitute.

Liandrin is technically allowed to teach Accepted students.  Technically.

Liandrin herself looks about as pleased as any of the Accepted.  She pays you no mind as you enter, her piercing gaze fixed on some imagined point on the far wall.  Her arms are folded, her lips are pursed, and it looks like she’s biting the inside of her cheek.  Given her storied reputation, this understandably puts most of the students ill at ease.

“No need to trickle in,” she says, so sharply that you notice a few students flinch.  “You’re all in the right place, I should think.  I am Liandrin Sedai, and I will be overseeing your practice for the afternoon.”

She says all of this as though each word causes her great distress, gaze still fixed somewhere above the students’ heads.

“I am unaccustomed to teaching, and it’s been a long while since I was Accepted, so you will have to forgive me my unfamiliarity,” she continues, but gives absolutely no impression that she is asking forgiveness for anything.  “Adeline Sedai was not generous enough to inform me which weaves you are currently studying.  Would anyone be so kind as to enlighten me?”

The room falls eerily silent.  You cast a surreptitious glance toward Briallyn, who is usually the sort to raise her hand at any opportunity.  She is gazing at Liandrin like she is something inhuman and incomprehensible.

You swallow your nerves and raise your hand.

Liandrin turns her head sharply.  “Yes?”

“Weaving Spirit,” you say, although your voice falters under her exacting gaze.

“Weaving Spirit,” she echoes with a mocking lilt, inclining her head and smiling with false sweetness.  “Could our esteemed little sister perhaps narrow it down, just a bit?”

You feel your cheeks flush hot.  “The basics, I mean,” you stammer.  “Just starting.”

Liandrin scoffs.  “I suppose I should have known better than to expect anything more than that,” she says with a theatrical sigh.  “What was our dear Adeline Sedai having you do, just…” she waves vaguely, “pick at threads of Spirit out of nowhere?  No direction, no purpose?  No wonder it’s taking so long.”

She points at you, and you nearly startle out of your skin.  “Come forward.  Since you’ve been kind enough to volunteer.”

You can hear a low whisper of fear starting up around you as you obey her command, feel the eyes of your fellow Accepted upon you although you keep your head bowed low.  You are shy and unused to this kind of attention.  You can feel your face flushing all the way up to your ears.

Liandrin is perfectly average in stature, yet somehow seems to tower over you through her presence alone.  She ducks her head to catch you eye, and now her subtle smile bears no tinge of mockery.  “Look,” she bids you, gesturing out toward the classroom.

You attempt, quite unsuccessfully, to swallow down your embarrassment.  You look.

“Your classmates are afraid of me,” Liandrin observes, with the kind of neutrality one expects of a particularly uninteresting weather forecast.  “No doubt you’ve all heard stories about me.  Or, should I say, one in particular?”

You glance surreptitiously in Liandrin’s direction.  Her eyes are alight with cruel amusement.  She is enjoying this.  She leans in toward the class, as though to share a secret.  “Let me assure you that what you’ve heard…is absolutely true.”

The whole class visibly recoils, and the frightened whispers culminate in horrified gasps, followed by a deafening silence.

“Look at your classmates,” says Liandrin.  “The same way you would look for threads of fire or water.  Look for their fear.”

A part of you considers that you can see their fear perfectly well without looking very closely at all.  Another part of you is preoccupied with the way Liandrin’s eyes light up watching people recoil from her.  But you know from experience that Liandrin has very little patience, and she will not be pleased if she has to repeat herself.

You tear your eyes away from Liandrin and look, focusing on the class as a whole rather than trying to stare at any one person.  You squint and tilt your head, think of the frightened whispers and all the different versions of Liandrin’s story you have heard repeated over the years.  Some of your classmates are much younger than you, and their precocious talents allowed them to graduate to the rank of Accepted sooner than most.  They must have heard the story of the Novice who died under Liandrin Sedai’s tutelage very recently, and they do not have the benefit of experience to tell them that Liandrin means them no actual harm.

You think you start to see it then, something red and wrong hanging about them, brighter in some places than in others.  On instinct you reach out to pull at the threads.

You are not a talented channeler.  Threads do not respond well or quickly to your beckoning.  But the threads do come to you, slowly, and in this aspect alone, Liandrin is endlessly patient.

“A useful trick, to draw upon strong emotion,” says Liandrin.  Her words are for the benefit of the class, but she speaks quietly, and she is standing close enough to you that her voice makes you shiver.  “Spirit is that which is not strictly tangible, and yet you can feel it, can’t you, when there is a room full to the brim with terror?”

You can see the change in some students then, the ones who understand that this was, at least in part, a play upon their emotions in an unusual effort to educate.  You see the shift not in their faces but in the threads you are attempting to weave, a subtle change in the color and shape as fear gives way to confusion, or brightens into excitement.

You can’t help but wonder what others see, when they look at the color and shape of your own emotions.

New Year Fanfic Asks!

#personal #exciting tag for writing things #exciting tag for answered asks #absolute LOL when I was reading over the part i wanted to snippet there was a *** that caught my eye #which is my 'i'll fix it later' sign #so i had planned out a couple of side characters to be reader's classmates and had named them and characterized them and everything #and then i stopped suddenly in the middle of doing this and was like this is stupid why do they have this much detail what am i doing #so i ended up transplanting them into tamsin's class in original thing LOLLLLLLLLL #but then i just fucking LEFT this student UNNAMED with some ASTERISKS even tho she very much has a name i just stole it for my other work #so i put it back for now but idk if i'll leave it or give her a diff name LOL #anyway THANK YOU FOR INDULGING MEEEEEEE #and my desire to yeet so called snippets that are several thousand words long