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trashlie · 10 months

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Darker ILY Theories: the Shinae + Gun Kim theory

The time has COME. I keep telling myself to write this post but I keep putting it off because honestly, this one makes me feel sick. I’ve been talking about it again with friends while rereading the Black and White Formal arc, and in light of the current FP episode (232) I think it’s time to bring this one back into the fray.

As a big disclaimer this post deals with sexual assault noncon theories of underage girls.

Sometime ago I read a theory that Shinae was at the formal for Gun Kim. There’s been so many theories about the formal. Even recently, there’s been talk about the way Yui had Shinae style her hair seeming similar to how Nessa wore hers, and how she insisted that Shinae meet her husband. I don’t think by any means that discounts this theory at all, because Yui sure knows how to multi-task doesn’t she.

The Kim formal really set up a LOT of story and action. It’s the moment ILY reveals what kind of story it is - not that there weren’t hints and clues before, because we could already see the discord in Nol and Kousuke’s relationship’ the stress in Shinae’s life and her fight with her father; the money struggles; her friends. But the formal introduced so many elements. It showed us how off Alyssa and Nol’s relationship is. It showed us how sinister Yui really is. It fully introdduced Sangchul and how lecherous he is. The Chess theory, the manipulation, the drugs, all of it was at the forefront finally.

And also, we met Gun Kim.

Gun is interesting, because he’s the character we know the least about at this point - and his eyes are always closed. He’s always felt sketchy, even as far back as the black and white formal itself. The characters even comment on it. What is someone who looks like Shinae doing at this formal? Mr. Kim likes all women.

Now that we know how chummy the Kims and Yui/the Hiraharas are, the more sinister it feels. Gun Kim, with his several connections to media conglomorates. Gun Kim, whose father* stepped down from his position as CEO of Hirahara Corp due when facing several sexual assault charges. Gun Kim, father to Sangchul Kim whose prep school has been rife with sexual abuse cases.

(* presumably Gun’s father. Youngchul Kim. Sangchul Kim. It checks out)

At the time, maybe he didn’t seem SO bad. A negligent father. A womanizer, a playboy. But in light of what we’ve learned, I think we can revisit the scene and find some clues laid out, waiting for their time to come.

He makes his grand appearance - convincing the bartender to give underage girls alcohol. Even without the later context, this is terrible, but now that we know what we know.... it feels even more skeevy, even more dangerous. Letting young girls drink, get intoxicated, so that they’re easier for him. Ugggh.

He sure makes himself real comfortable with the girls, too. Sure, there’s nothing inherently wrong with this. What a gracious host. But we know better. And we also know you don’t put your hands on people who don’t even know you. Seeing Alyssa’s face, you wouldn’t ordinarily think anything of her smile mask; she uses it all the time, why would this be any different. But in light of ep 232.... I’ll try to save all my 232 posts for the end so I can put it under a readmore and avoid spoilers.

Isn’t it weird, that he can instantly recognize Shinae? Oh sure, maybe it’s because someone who doesn’t know who he is isn’t from this world, so she has to be Yui’s special guest. And look, Yui and Gun are business partners. Friends, even, since Sangchul seems to know so much about Nol and his family via Gun. Through who else would they know about Nol and his not-much-of-a relationship with Alyssa? So, surely Yui has told Gun about Shinae, since she’s the topic of Kousuke’s interest, right?

But no, I feel horribly, uneasily certain that Yui has shown Gun pictures of Shinae, described her to him, maybe even told him how much fun she is. How she’s got so much personality, that he’ll just enjoy her. Even typing this makes me feel ill ugh. The thought that Gun and Yui are in cahoots not simply by way of business but by way of an even darker, more sinister business is fucking horrifying.

So not only does he instantly recognize her for who she is but

Is it wrong to pay her a compliment? It’s not like he said anything inappropriate. And yet. And yet Shinae is uncomfortable. And yet he is a stranger, a man she doesn’t know, acting too friendly, someone who already knows of her. Danger, danger, danger, danger!

This man gives me the creeps SO MUCH and it’s everything about THIS. His expression, those closed eyes, something about him feels smug and smarmy. Everybody gets drink, everybody gets inebriated, everybody gets to have fun. He’s gross, he’s disgusting, he’s encouraging drinking. We know what kind of fun a man like him wants to see and have.

And he’s not simply enabling underage drinking.

Even after Nol expresses that he doesn’t want a drink, he’s still pushed to have one, still expected to be “respectful of the host”. The host who is pushing alcohol on minors!!! Like, even on its own that’s clearly beyond irresponsible, because you can definitely get the sense that he wants to see what happens when a bunch of kids loosen up, when they all let down their inhibitions, when they all get sloppy and start making mistakes. Like, let’s not pretend otherwise. He wouldn’t be encouraging the drinks at all if he didn’t want something to happen, if he wasn’t hoping for that to transpire.

Like, really mull over that for a moment.

The word choice that’s used here is important, both for the things said and unsaid. Kousuke and Nol may have met Sangchul for the first time, but they’re not stranger to Gun I’m sure. I can’t imagine this is the first Kim formal they’ve had to attend, and even if so, everyone in attendance seems to know Gun’s reputation. Sangchul is one of six children - but only one of two from the same woman. How many women has he been married to? How many more has he simply been with?

And how many of them young. Or against their will?

Sangchul didn’t learn his tactics from no one, let’s not forget that.

Sangchul only knows coercion, bribery, blackmailing, manipulation. If you’ve got a hot girl, you must’ve ha to force her hand, must’ve had to black mail her to get her to agree. It could never be as simple as a girl just liking him, no. It must be some seedy, skeevy, manipulative tactic.

Sexual assault runs in the family. Sangchul learned from watching his father, who no doubt learned from Youngchul. When you see women as property, as items, you don’t see them as people. Even if she refuses, they’ll get what they want in the end, won’t they? UGH.

Kousuke and Nol react in surprise - alarm - because the implications of his wording is creepy. Nol knows Shinae is being forced to attend this formal, she’s not here of her own volition and wouldn’t even accept his offer to safely get her out of there. He probably wonders exactly that - is that why she’s here? And he’s possibly not entirely incorrect.

Yui sweeps in to note that Gun isn’t being so literal, but we know how those two operate. I think as readers we are meant to read into that. It’s not there just for the boys to become alarm, it’s there for us to understand that Gun is not a safe man for Shinae to go alone with. Especially because as readers we already know Shinae feels off, she’s having a drink, AND the episode has quietly informed us that Sangchul roofied her.

And this man comes sweeping in, calling Shinae a cutie, promising to introduce her to everyone.

Even in her addled state, Shinae knows there’s something weird about the use of family, but she’s dazed (she’s drugged), she isn’t feeling right in the head, this whole event has been a nightmare for her so far, she’s being thrown into situations she’s ill-prepared for, so it’s so easy to gloss over it.

But the text emphasizes it itself.

It IS weird.

This is ALL weird.

Does this not make you feel disgusting? Does this not make you want to scream? He’s talking like she’s a pony or something. A grown man parading a minor around, talking about how she’s a cutie, everything is so perfect, her dress - which is modest only in the front and leaves her whole back and parts of her waist bare - everything. And the question about is she your new wife?

How many other pretty young things has he paraded around like this.

How many other pretty young things has he wed? And how many of them were forced against their will, bribed, manipulated? What did he hold over their heads?

I don’t have to spell it out. We know. We all know.

Look at Gun with his eyes closed, that stupid smile on his face. What was it quimchee said of why Mr. Kim’s eyes are always closed? Living is easy with eyes closed. He can turn a blind eye to anything, he can encourage anything. Was the drink too much, he wonders. Was she feeling unwell, he muses. Oh well, it doesn’t matter, my son has her. :)

Gun Kim is no fool. He’s not naive. He is a horrible, vile man and he knows exactly what he was doing, sending an unwell girl who was previously drinking underage off to “rest” with his creepy, vile fucking son.

But Ashlie, you’re asking. I thought you said that Shinae is at the formal for Gun, but he knowingly sent her off in that state with his son, surely knowing what kind of horrible thing he’ll do to her. If she’s for him why didn’t he take her?

He’s the host, of course he can’t take her anywhere yet.

She’s the after party.

jfkafjkfakjfajkafjkafj GOD that felt gross to write I’m sorry but I just KNOW that’s his line of thinking, I just KNOW that’s what this was supposed to be. Everything went awry when dick-punched Sangchul and escaped.

We know well enough now that the Kims are just as vile and atrocious, that they breed a special kind of especially horrible violence, that sexual violence is NOTHING to them - perhaps even fun. The way Sangchul needled Nol about Alyssa makes me so sick, because it tells you everything about how he views and treats women, the kinds of things he, too, has probably done.

All I can think of now is that Yui and Gun are in on this. Of course they are, this is their sleazy empire. Business partners that go further back, deeper than we ever realized. Yui, who has no qualms about playing with peoples’ lives, who gets a thrill out of breaking people down, out of their misery. Gun, who thinks girls and women are ripe for the picking, who enjoys a nice pretty young thing? UGGH UGH UGH death wouldn’t be enough punishment. Prison wouldn’t be enough. NOTHING that happens to them will ever be satisfying enough but GOD I WANT TO SEE THEM TOPPLE AND FALL.

Spoilers for ep 232 ahead:

I think we can already see how this ties in to the current FP episode, right?

I had absolutely NO idea he was this close. Like... I’ve worried about his connections to media conglomerates, I’ve worried about the women he’s been with and how Sangchul learned that behavior, but to see him on the other side of the door of the bathroom in which Alyssa is hiding.... horrifying! The way he calls her sweetheart like he’s some placating father, except we know better. The expression on her face when she hears the girls talking about her but worse, when she hears Gun ask if she needs any help.

It’s her body language when she finally comes out, so meek and small, arms held close to her body like she’s trying to take up as little space as possible.

And it’s the implication that he’s going to drive her himself. Alone.

Not even a manager to spare for her? Or worse, is he a manager? An agent? Is he her superior in this role? There’s so many horrifying, stomach-churning possibilities and in the end, it doesn’t matter which he is, because the point is: he has that access.

He doesn’t need to be their manager, their agent. He has connections. He has Yui. He has his name and influence and power and money and most of all, he has dirty little secrets. So much blackmail. So much dirt.

GOD.

I’m so fucking scared for Alyssa RUN GIRL RUN GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT ;___________;

I’ll put more thoughts in my actual 232 thought dump post but for now: Gun Kim may not have gotten a hold of Shinae, but he’s not left for want is he ;________;

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #Shinae Yoo #Gun Kim #Yui Hirahara #there's spoilers but only at the very end and it's marked by a readmore so this is otherwise safe to read just DON'T GO BEYOND lol #i hate this theory because i think it's true #it checks out and oh my god it makes me feel so ill #the reveal that the Kims and Hiraharas go back beyond Yui and Gun's partnership is just horrifying to me #like it's bad enough to be family friends anyway because how else did Sangchul know all those details #but once Yujing revealed how deep things go? god #I hate thissssssssssssssss #I hate that man I hate that witch #no amount of suffering or punishment will EVER be enough for them #Sangchul Kim #Youngchul Kim

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therainscene · 1 year

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Ah, the age-old question: is Vecna really the puppet master, or is all that string imagery proof that he was the puppet all along?

This question is always framed in terms of who is really manipulating whom, and even interpretations which see him and the Mind Flayer as a team tend to assume there’s going to be an inevitable betrayal in which one will rise as The Ultimate Big Bad.

But personally, I don’t see it that way; I think they have a more symbiotic relationship than that.

To see why, let’s take a look at another villain from the show:

Jason is a charismatic leader who knows how to rally groups into action, and this skill allows him to amplify his personal mistrust of outcasts like Eddie into a full-blown, town-wide witch hunt.

By the end of S4, the hysteria he whipped up has gained so much momentum that not even his nor Eddie’s death can stop it. The Hawkins Satanic Panic becomes something greater and more powerful than himself -- but crucially, it also could not have existed without him in the first place.

The Mind Flayer is much like Hawkins: not a single entity, but a collection of them. It was a formless cloud of particles before Henry got his slimy mitts on it, and the show has strongly hinted that these particles are the mechanism by which the Upside Down’s hive mind exists.

So Henry can be thought of as the charismatic leader of the hive mind. His ideas are the ones that drive the mind’s actions, but like Jason, that doesn’t necessarily make him a puppet master -- more of an inspiration. I don’t think the hive mind had any inherent agenda of its own before he came along, much as the people of Hawkins didn’t have an agenda beyond simply existing before Jason gave them a misguided cause to rally around.

This is the true horror of the Mind Flayer: it’s a reflection of how easily bigoted attitudes can become entrenched in a society of well-meaning individuals, and how overwhelmingly difficult it is to resist those attitudes when you’re targeted by them.

But conformity isn’t the only theme being reflected here. To complete our understanding of the bond between Vecna and the Mind Flayer, let’s turn our attention to one more villain:

Billy is a survivor of abuse whose anger led to a sense of entitlement to abuse others in turn. It’s classic cycle of abuse stuff, and very similar to Henry’s backstory.

But where Billy differs from Henry is that he seems to be aware that what he’s doing is wrong. Not that this helps much -- the best idea he can come up with to mitigate harm is to beg his victim for compassion, which is a great way to assuage his guilt, not such a great way to mend the damage he’s done to her.

I think it’s significant that Vecna and the Mind Flayer are used as metaphors for Billy’s urge to perpetuate the cycle of abuse, as their relationship is a very cyclical one:

Henry was abused, which led to the creation of the Mind Flayer, which led to Henry abusing Billy, which led to the creation of the fleshy Spider Monster--

Billy attempted to stop the cycle here, but as with the sauna plea, his efforts were dead in the water and the cycle continued:

--Max developed survivor’s guilt, which led to Henry abusing her, which led to her death, which led to Henry having free reign to continue abusing to his rotten little heart’s content.

This reflects not only the abuse that occurs between individuals, but also abuse on a society-wide level: bigoted societal attitudes beget internalized attitudes, which in turn lead to behaviours that perpetuate the original societal attitudes.

To me, a more interesting question than “which one is the real Big Bad?” is “how will our heroes stop the cycle?”

In real life, bigotry is defeated when outcasts and their allies band together and forge their own movements to spread messages of truth and positivity.

So I think it’s interesting that our core trio of protagonists consists of a charismatic leader who never wields his skill selfishly...

...and a powerful pair of survivors who are too full of love and kindness to perpetuate their own cycles of abuse.

#stranger things #willelmike #henry creel #mind flayer #jason carver #billy hargrove #my analysis

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qiific3 · 5 months

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thoughts on astarion!!!!!

yes he’s a hot vampire and that’s cool but more importantly he is the THIRD PERSON explicitly expressed to be in this particular cycle of vampiric abuse. he will literally do exactly what cazador did, continuing the really devastating pipe line of victim to abuser we’ve seen once already with cazador and vellioth (the vampire that turned cazador).

if you pass the dc on vellioth’s skull interaction, you learn that vellioth “taught” cazador three rules after he turned him, of which cazador later forces upon astarion (the rules are mostly about isolating and dehumanizing the spawn, turning them into the perfect slave). we see the abusive behavior trickle down from vellioth, to cazador, to astarion. and then it really makes SENSE that astarion would want to complete the rite of ascension, that he would want to defeat cazador the same way that cazador sought and succeeded at defeating vellioth (through killing him, proving himself to be better, more powerful, and later boiling the flesh off of vellioths skull so cazador could keep it as a trophy). it’s in his blood, that spite and vengeance. i GET it! this is what will make him safe forever from being abused, but at the cost of MAKING HIM THE ABUSER. JUST AS CAZADOR DID!

and if he does become the abuser, if he ascends, he will always have a part of cazador in him, and in turn a part of vellioth. the Only way to truly escape cazadors evil and the trauma he endured is NOT to choose eternal safety and power— it’s to completely deny yourself that fully encompassing “safety” provided by ascending and becoming an all powerful vampire. choosing to instead literally be vulnerable (physically and emotionally) is the only scenario where cazador will lose his power over astarion. when he chooses the inherent danger that comes with that sense of humanity, the decision to spare the 7,000 spawn, the uncertainty and the *fear*, he chooses to be free. and he KNOWS afterwards that freedom and safety are not the same, even though that’s what was ingrained in him to believe, because that’s what cazador believed and vellioth before him.

when he escapes the nautiloid ship he isn’t under cazadors command anymore, and yet he CHOOSES to manipulate and seduce. NOT because cazador is forcing him to, but because that is all. he. knows. that’s all he was Ever taught. and he realizes in act 2 that for some reason that’s wrong! and that’s the beginning of the cycle breaking. that’s when we KNOW he doesn’t have to ascend to be free! that’s when we know he’s capable of a level of empathy he hasn’t been shown nor has shown in over two centuries, and THATS why we’re obsessed with this character.

this is all an allusion to what we call generational curses, and how vampirism is essentially a generational curse. a generational curse is passed down through “blood” or through having that biological relationship. VAMPIRISM IS TOO! BUT MORE LITERALLY!!!!!!!! LITERALLY PASSED THROUGH BLOOD!!!!!

anyway im sooooo normal about vampires i swear

if you read this far ily :)

#astarion #bg3 #baldurs gate #baldurs gate 3 #vampire #vampires #astarion x tav

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shrimpmandan · 1 year

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I honestly fucking hate when antis bring up that fiction DOES affect reality as a counterargument to proshippers bc the thing is they’re not even technically wrong. Fiction and reality are inherently intertwined on some level. For example, fiction often depicts the ideals and standards of the time, or the creator’s lived experience. Fiction can impact reality in the form of individual people, both positively and negatively. For example, a propaganda cartoon vs an educational cartoon. The thing is, antis refuse to acknowledge that the “fiction =/= reality” argument (in the context of proshippers using it) is a direct response to the incorrect assertion that fiction will make people act against their morals. This can be about anything from “incest/abuse/age gap relationships in fiction will normalize it irl”, “video games cause shootings”, “porn causes violence”, or any other amount of honestly baseless and reactionary assertions about the world.

I see propaganda brought up a lot, which is especially frustrating, because antis don’t understand how propaganda works. Propaganda is not something that you watch and suddenly, you’re racist. Funnily enough, propaganda on its own isn’t particularly persuasive or logical in how it’s presented-- it’s just manipulative. Propaganda specifically takes advantage of preconceived ideas, fears, and prejudices-- for example, anti-gay propaganda would play into the idea of gay men being predatory, deviant, and mentally disordered, because that was already the general consensus of the time. Propaganda, by nature, plays into existing emotions, or preys on the human fear of the unfamiliar. This is why the best combatant to propaganda is education.

You can apply this same thing to taboo fiction, violent video games, and violent porn. You could make the argument that these things could have negative influences on children, seeing as they’re much more impressionable and may have a harder time distinguishing between fiction and reality, but the bottom line is kids are not the target audience for any of these things. They are not supposed to be viewing NSFW writings, videos, or games. We already have things like ESRB ratings, “are you 18?” verification checks (as paper thin as they may be), and tagging systems in place for the express purpose of deterring kids (or parents of kids) from seeing something that aren’t meant for them. After a certain point, you really just have to place the responsibility on the parent for either not monitoring their children, or being careless about what kind of content they consume. Aka: NOT the fault of the adults who make or enjoy violent or explicit media.

Going back to propaganda for a minute, with taboo fiction in particular (incest, age gap, etc.), it’s already, y’know, taboo. Meaning people are actively discouraged from participating in, or even just talking about it, since things like incest and pedophilia are already largely considered immoral. Most Western citizens would agree that irl abusive relationships, rape, and the like, are all immoral. So why would reading about it suddenly make them go against the entire worldview and moral upbringing they had? That’d be utterly absurd! However, if someone who was already considering or apologetic towards something like pedophilia were to consume media depicting it positively, it might, and I repeat, MIGHT have a chance to influence them into actually committing an offense. And even then, any evidence of that is extremely flimsy.

There’s been a small handful of IRL cases around fiction and reality. One that comes to mind is the murder trial of Scott Dyleski, wherein the prosecutor asserted that the Invader Zim episode Dark Harvest inspired Dyleski to commit murder. However, this statement was hardly backed up with any kind of proof, and in my opinion, is a weak argument on the prosecution’s end. There just isn’t any psychological evidence that makes a strong connection between dark/violent/explicit media and moral degradation, and while there have been studies done surrounding things like “do video games cause violence?” and “is porn making young men misogynistic rapists?”, these studies either came back inconclusive or even outright stating that no, these things do not lead directly to IRL violence. Simply googling “do video games cause violence?” or “does porn cause violence?” will yield countless articles stating that there’s no strong link between the two things. And, at its core, this is what proshippers mean when they say that fiction =/= reality. To say that fiction is responsible for all of society’s ills, instead of the fact that fiction takes inspiration from the tragedies of the real world, is an absurd take.

Overall, I think I’m still happy with the “fiction =/= reality on a 1-to-1 level” wording that’s since replaced ��fiction =/= reality”. It’s far less generalized and overall more difficult for antis to counter with actual evidence (which, let’s be honest, they barely use anyways), even though the only reason proshippers were using such a generalized statement to begin with was to counter another generalized statement: that taboo or violent fiction will always, or almost always, lead to irl crimes and normalization.

#proship #pro ship #proshipping #pro shipping #proshipper #pro shipper #anti anti #shipping discourse #fiction =/= reality #profic #pro fic #profiction #pro fiction #anti censorship #fiction is not reality #fiction is fiction #proshippers please interact

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simcardiac-arrested · 7 months

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do expand on the allegory

there’s probably better ways this has been phrased or analyzed but. snowgrave is just so Suddenly heteronormative compared to the rest of the game that it’s almost impossible to ignore—deltarune (and by extension undertale) has always been about queerness and gay relationships and the characters’ freedom of choice in terms of that—and as i understand, this sudden Straightwashing, let’s call it that, is to amplify the fact that something is veeery very deeply wrong and that these two characters have no choice or autonomy.

we have kris who is neither a man nor a woman and who isn’t implied to have romantic feelings towards anyone (all we know is that they really like susie, but it’s not clear in which way exactly), and we have noelle who is a lesbian and explicitly shown to have feelings for a character who is not kris, and she would like to just be friends with kris actually. but what happens in snowgrave? they’re suddenly put in a very hetero mold.

despite their genders and sexualities there is not a single queer thing about their snowgrave relationship. kris is shown as the domineering traditionally masculine one: they’re stoic, controlling, they make all the decisions and so on. noelle is shown as the submissive traditionally feminine one: always having to follow what kris says because she is ‘bound’ to them (i.e. married). and speaking of marriage, snowgrave just has a lot of wedding symbolism: noelle in a white dress with angel wings, the ring, the “we’re something else” ??? it all adds onto the inherent Wrongness of it all. and i think it can also be taken several ways. now that kris and noelle have been put in a seemingly straight relationship, they act like the ‘usual’ straight married couple portrayed in media: meaning they’re not actually happy together and want to get away from each other. but on the other hand the whole concept also rings of arranged marriages or forced marriages, of putting a queer person (or people) into a hetero relationship/marriage in hopes of fixing them somehow

umm i’m sure there’s more to be talked about but you probably get the general idea. and like i said in the beginning this whole allegory is used to amplify the central theme of deltarune: control. relationships can and often are used as a form of control over someone’s life, and i think the way toby fox uses that in snowgrave is really interesting. because let’s be honest, it wasn’t Needed: we could’ve just had your typical genocide route where we manipulate someone into murder and etc etc. but the romantic subtext just really hammers it home that This Is Wrong. that this is not what kris or noelle want. that kris has no choice but to follow the player’s commands no matter how uncomfortable it is. and fuck me is it uncomfortable, to shove these two gay kids into what is basically a straight abusive marriage for no real reason other than your own amusement. They dont call it the weird route for nothing i guess

#i hope this is comprehensive enougjh #im still sick and my head feels funny. and m SOO hungry starving white woman #but yeah #cramswering

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prying-pandora666 · 1 year

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My Azula Diagnosis Analysis Part 4: The Golden Child

Find all the parts here.

Sick of bad armchair diagnosis for Azula? Me too! So in this thread let’s discuss Azula’s most commonly “diagnosed” illnesses and disorders, and find out what she actually meets the criteria for, if any.

This time let’s talk about the roles and dynamics set for children raised by a narcissistic parent (Ozai, in this case). Just as Zuko is the Scapegoat, is Azula the Golden Child?

Golden Child Claims

—Azula seems spoiled and like she always got everything she wanted while Zuko got abused

—Azula shows concerning enmeshment with Ozai, who clearly uses her for his own gain with no regard for her own psychosocial development and emotional well being

So Is Azula A Golden Child?

This is an interesting one to tackle because it’s so misunderstood that it’s often used to make two polar opposite cases. On the one hand are the fans that insist being the Golden Child meant Azula was a spoiled princess who never heard the word “no” and had a perfect happy life. Others use it to argue that Golden Children are also victims of narcissistic abuse and that far from living perfect spoiled lives, they are sometimes more deprived of their own emotional needs than even the Scapegoat.

So first we have to clarify what being the Golden Child of a narcissistic parent actually means.

No, it does not mean one is spoiled and pampered and given everything they want. While the Golden Child may be given preference and praise over the Scapegoat, this is simply a tool to control and manipulate both children, and is not actually given as a form of love or support.

Golden Children are the other side of the narcissistic abuse victim coin. While the abuse endured by the Scapegoat might be more overt and therefor more obvious, the abuse heaped on the Golden Child is just as damaging though often far more insidious.

The Golden Child is not given unconditional love which we all require in childhood to properly develop in a healthy way. Instead, they are given conditional favor. This means that whatever praise and grace they may receive comes with the threat of being withdrawn—and may also include punishment—if the narcissist parent is displeased. This constant state of fear and anxiety without any proper support or safety can cause a host of complex emotional and psychological issues, and leave children feeling as if nothing they do is ever good enough and as if any affection they will ever receive will only be tied to their performance. They may even internalize themselves as unloveable except by pleasing the narcissist.

As always, while symptoms vary between individuals, here are a few significant and recognized symptoms of Golden Child Syndrome.

—Deference to those in positions of power: As Golden Children are raised as nothing but an extension of their narcissistic parent, they may develop and unusual deference to those in positions of power. Azula shows this but exclusively towards Ozai, whom she is so loyal to in The Show that she is willing to put herself in the line of fire during the Day of Black Sun to protect him. Even though she knew she’d be without bending and could have been killed.

—Overwhelming anxiety about falling short: Golden children are taught early on that their value isn’t inherent, but instead relative to others. That only by outperforming others or meeting absurd expectations will they have any value. This leads to severe anxiety about failing and the consequences of that failure. Azula fits this to a T. Her biggest fear is failing and becoming the new Scapegoat, therefor losing the only approval she’s ever had in her life which is from her father. This is why when Ozai discards her, Azula desperately cries out “You can’t treat me like this! You can’t treat me like Zuko!”

—An unhealthy perspective on relationships: As social skills are learned, the transactional nature of how Golden Children are raised greatly impacts their relationships. Azula struggles to express her love towards people in a healthy way, using manipulation and intimidation to control her friends the same as she would an enemy of war. This is due to Ozai grooming her exclusively as a weapon and offering no nurturing or concern for Azula’s needs as an individual. Although Azula also tries to use these skills to help her loved ones (most notably Zuko), when her favor isn’t returned, Azula takes the rejection extremely personally. The heightened emotional pain she experiences triggers a complete psychological disregulation. Azula’s reaction to rejection is prone to become violent, as her ever-anxious system interprets the rejection as a threat. We see this with how she reacts to Mai saying she loved Zuko but only feared Azula (a fact which Mai knew would wound Azula since she speaks about having this same trauma with mom), and how Azula attempts to kill Zuko after he betrays her to join Team Avatar.

—The hopeless pursuit of career advancement: As Golden Children have had it instilled in them that they must be exceptional, regardless of whether or not they want to be, they can find themselves lost if their pursuits do not pan out as expected. They may start to perform poorly, self sabotage, lose interest in their job/responsibilities, or even spiral into a depression and act out. We see Azula go through this when becoming Fire Lord did not earn her dad’s love as expected. Like a classic Golden Child, she did not seem to want the throne for her own reasons, but merely because she perceived it to be what her father would want from a child he’d love.

—A history of self-destructive, dependent behavior: Desperate to receive any sort of validation due to the lack of love and support in childhood, Golden children are prone to be victimized. Conditioned to transactional relationships, Golden Children may find themselves striving to please an enabler who uses the Golden Child’s skills to their advantage, while keeping the Golden Child just starved enough of affection to keep competing for more. As the Golden Child becomes dependent on any scrap of validation, they may endure increasingly absurd demands and mistreatment simply to avoid having that validation taken away. We see this in spades with Azula and Ozai. No matter what horrible thing Ozai asks of her, or how little he seems to care about her wellbeing, Azula loyally does as she’s told. Only when Ozai refuses to reward her with validation does Azula act up. We even see this to a lesser extent with her friends and Zuko, where being betrayed and rejected by all three of them in quick succession leads to Azula’s psychotic break where she questions if she can even be loved or if fear is all she will ever be able to get from others. “What choice do I have? Fear is the only way.”

—An inflated sense of self-confidence contrasted with low self-worth: Does this one even need explanation? Azula is highly confident in her abilities, so much so that she is unafraid even when outnumbered and surrounded by multiple highly skilled benders. However, she has internalized that she is an unloveable monster due to perceiving this to be her mother’s opinion of Azula. It’s tragic to see someone so skilled and confident to a fault have so little sense of self worth. The Golden Child values their skills and what they can do, but not themselves as a person, as that’s what the narcissist values - their usefulness.

—A desire to outperform one’s peers: A survival mechanism to maintain the narcissist’s approval. Azula demonstrates this quite handily in the volleyball scene in The Beach. She cannot even handle a normal, healthy competition for fun and turns a simple beach game into a battle arena. After her ruthless strategy wins her and her friends the game, Azula taunts the losing team as if they were her enemies and not just another group of teens. Azula is sadly unable to understand why others find this off-putting, as her entire life is a constant performance test.

—An unhealthy obsession with perfection: Meeting or surpassing expectations is so central to a Golden Child’s upbringing that many develop an unhealthy fixation. Golden Children are more prone to OCD than most for this reason. Azula is often described as perfect by others, and while she doesn’t call herself perfect, she does hold herself to an unrealistic standard. The first scene we ever see of Azula (not counting her cameo in Book 1), is her practicing lightning bending on a ship. This is an incredible feat of bending that even most firebending masters several times her age cannot pull off. Yet despite how impressive her skill level is, Azula freaks out when a single hair falls out of place. Azula is terrified of both failure and of being perceived as weak, a fact that leads to her hiding her vulnerability at all costs, which makes her come off as less sympathetic or fragile than she really is.

—Struggle to appreciate others’ successes: As Golden Children are expected to be perfect and surpass all others, they may not appreciate others’ successes for a couple of reasons. They may perceive anyone else’s success as a threat (Ty Lee, with boys), or they may see the lower/more realistic standards others are held to for success and resent them (Zuko, her eternal rival who got mom’s affection without having to earn it). Azula demonstrates both.

What Golden Children need most is to be removed from the abusive environment and given care to help them find their own sense of self outside of ther narcissistic abuser or anyone else they may become dependent on.

It’s a long and hard road to recovery, but it is possible to overcome these maladaptive behaviors and thought patterns, and to eventually develop healthier connections with others. Even more importantly, with support, patience, and effort, they must come to develop a healthier relationship with themselves.

Conclusion: Azula does suffer from Golden Child Syndrome.

While it’s easy to write Azula off as a spoiled happy princess compared to Zuko who bears obvious, physical scars of the abuse he’s endured, nothing could be further from the truth. Both kids are victims of Ozai’s narcissistic abuse and him constantly pitting them against each other.

Although Zuko and Azula show signs of loving one another (Azula especially has a strangely resilient devotion to Zuko, twisted as it may be), the toxic dynamic imposed on them by Ozai has led to a tragically adversarial relationship.

As a result, both kids think the other had it better and resent one another rather than recognizing the hardships they face in common.

Zuko envied Azula for having father’s favor.

Azula envied Zuko for having mother’s love.

#avatar #Atla #avatar the last airbender #azula #Azula Diagnosis Masterpost

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acearohippo · 11 months

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Alright I’ll bite. First of all, I don’t give a shit about tang yun, you can blast off about him all you want. I have a problem when someone starts implying that the creators are intentionally making it incest or, sorry, “”incest undertones”” with proof the size of a walnut

Second, obsession and possessiveness is not inherently romantic nor sexual. Are both the tang brothers and Yuuhime and Yamato’s relationship toxic and abusive? Very much so, especially on the latter relationship. You are allowed to hate these relationships and talk about how toxic and abusive it is. But-

Third, the proof you have is *checks notes* a blush and the word hogtie. And for Yamato, it was caressing her cheek. Kay so, Tang Yun blushing could be interpreted as embarrassment or shame since the context is that Tang Xuan literally just told him “don’t tie up people you love bitch, that’s weird” (exaggeration but still). Putting yourself into a hypothetical obsession mindset, would the target of your obsession saying that make you: A) make your heart go Doki Doki B) embarrassed? For the hogtie thing, hogtie isn’t inherently sexual either just because it’s used in bdsm. Fucking police hogtie people. The definition is to bind all four limbs together and knowing dislyte’s translation history, probably what was originally meant.

And Yamato “lovingly caressing Yuuhime’s face which mean he obviously wants to fuck her”… bro, have you never seen any villain ever do that. It’s a common trope to sadistically caress or touch a person’s face while they’re impaired or captured. He’s doing it to show the power and control over her. It’s possessive and abusive to a T but it’s not fucking incest. Like literally give me a list of actual romantic or sexual gestures he does to her cuz I haven’t seen it, I got my binoculars on.

My original point was that by consuming media where sibling relationships turned into incest, thus, incest media, you admit that you are biased towards seeing these interactions as potentially becoming incest and thus would influence your critique on them. As for your whole “I added tags to explain you can just ignore me UwU” You wrote a hella provocative post. You can’t expect a paragraph of fucking tags to handwave away anyone who would get pissed at you.

Sighs. Alright, I guess we’re doing it. First, let me remind you that the three definitions of incestuous, the adjective, I’ve been very specific on using, are:

Constituting or involving incest

Guilty of incest

Excessively or improperly intimate or exclusive

All of these are pulled from the Miriam-Webster Dictionary. Got that? Good. Because I have only been using the term “incestuous”, specifically to highlight the inappropriate levels of “affection” both Tang Yun and Yamato express towards their respective siblings. Not. Once. Have I said anything that about Dislyte intentionally making incest in there stories. What I have said is 1.) I am not going to forgive them for having incestuous overtones between the two siblings during the final act of the Sea of Sorrows event and 2.) the imagery Tang Yun brings up when speaking to his brother (or implying something to his brother) is uncomfortable. Not once do I say or imply that I think Dislyte is trying to push a romantic bond between the two siblings. Incestuous, the adjective, isn’t inherently romantic or sexual coercion, it is simply intimacy that is improper, inappropriate, uncomfortable, manipulative, abusive, and so on. Companies that have incestuous relationships with their customers have manipulated a state of dependency on the customers with their products, rendering them docile and accepting to whatever demands the company asks of. Incestuous can relate to intrusive thoughts, the way someone thinks- consciously or inadvertently- not necessarily how they act. Incestuous is just a descriptor, not the event.

This is why I specified that "incest media" is not the same as "media with incestuous overtones". The former is a kink, the latter is an unfortunate story telling device.

We see this in Tang Yun’s voice lines, in game, and how they are literally about how he feels towards Tang Xuan. If he can’t have him, no one can. All that he does, he does it for “his dear brother”. He simultaneously looks forward to the day and fears the day he can destroy his brother with his two hands. He was accused of abducting his brother and then he says he’ll hogtie him if he disappears like that again. These are all uncomfortable levels of obsession. It’s excessive. He agrees with Yamato’s intense stance on “protecting” his sister, Yamato who took away her second of freedom to be the one in charge of her actions through the musical device.

This is now the second time someone brought up Tang Yun blushing, I don’t know why cause that was never my focus. The two times I’ve brought up the incestuous overtones, it was always about the actions and their implications, never about the physical reaction. Him blushing doesn’t mean anything, but him cutting off his justification for his possessive thoughts when he noticed his brother getting upset with him after voicing them? The implication that he’s holding back his darker thoughts so as not to spook Tang Xuan, the object of his obsessions? That’s infinitely more solid proof of the disturbing nature of his affection.

The fact that they are SIBLINGS is what makes it appear more incestuous than a regular villain/victim combo. You know why no one sees villains “caressing” their victim’s cheeks “lovingly” as incestuous? It’s because the victim isn’t usually related to them. Cause, guess what, when there is a familial relationship? The consumers of the media will see it as incestuous. Because it is. It’s a line being crossed/blurred between family. If a villain does this action to their victim of the same sex, guess what? It will be interpreted as homoerotic overtones. If a villain does this action to a child, it’s interpreted as paedophilic overtones. That’s the point of being able to make logical inferences, without the author needing to explicitly state “Hey, this villain right here? Immoral as shit.” They can use this sort of tool to exemplify the corrupted morality of the villain. The posts I’ve made were never about the two siblings being incestuous, but it being used as a tool to paint Tang Yun and Yamato as immoral bastards. I understand that not everyone will pick up on that, but as someone who has consumed media where this happens often, I can pick up on that story-telling tool. Because, once you notice how it’s been used, you will pick up on it quicker.

Speaking of noticing things, did you truly read my post or did you skim through it and get upset? Because I made sure to find an example of hogtying that wasn’t NSFW and highlighted the position itself, rather than any sexual implications of it because this post isn’t about anything sexual. If you still saw it as sexual, then I can’t really blame you, or anyone, for seeing it that way. The thing about tying people up is that it is seen more often as a sexual kink, and I was worried about people having that imagery which is why I tried to minimise the damage by finding a demonstration that wasn’t overtly sexual (you’ll notice it’s more of a diagram featuring a fully clothed man with a neutral expression on his face, with colours contrasting only the rope and number/angles against said man) and by explicitly asking people to ignore any NSFW implications to focus on the the vulnerability.

It’s ironic, because I got this image from an online journal/news outlet documenting the US Criminal Justice system. The image is in reference to police hogtying, and yet you still got the BDSM reading I was trying to avoid. That, accidentally, proves my point that the imagery Tang Yun conjured with that specific phrasing is disturbing, seeing as it is directed to his brother. When it comes to siblings, there shouldn't be any sort of sexual implication between them.

It also doesn’t disprove what I was saying about vulnerability, because the position is used to render victims immovable and, historically, has been used against minorities in overt displays of power imbalances, rendering them vulnerable for sick displays of superiority. I’m sure the Dislyte devs understood the weight of that word, corrupt policemen being an international plague, and that’s why they had him use hogtie rather than just threaten to tie him up, something way less emotionally charged.

Let me reiterate, that the phrase I have been using, “incestuous overtones”, is used to describe any sort of uncomfortable intimacy between two people, specifically siblings in this case. If I was calling it incest, I would tag it as such. Its not incest, it’s implied. And implications can be just as uncomfortable to see/read as demonstrations. While it wasn’t my intention to be provocative in my post, I guess I’ll accept it since it’s inspired this sort of conversation. At the end of the day, I’m just a fan trying to piece together the behind the scenes relationships of one of my favourite characters. If you don’t notice anything incestuous, there is nothing wrong with that. That’s the fun thing about storytelling, people can get different interpretations from the same material depending on their experiences. I recognise the incestuous red flags, you only recognise the abusive red flags. I know that the overtones are done in a way to provoke discomfort in the audience, you are interpreting my understanding as a callout to the Dislyte Devs. I am telling you that’s not even close to my intentions but, at the end of the day, if this is how it feels to you (and others) then I cannot do much about it. I’m not going to spend all day going back and forth with you, you cannot convince me there aren’t any incestuous overtones. Likewise, I am not here to convince anyone that what is happening is incestuous. I am responding to your queries, but this isn’t me trying to evangelise anyone. I don’t care whether or not you agree with me, but you wanted my side so here it is.

Basically, I think this boils down to: you think I'm implying a sexual/romantic relationship is happening between the Tang twins and Yamato and Yuuhime, but that couldn't be further from the truth. It was never sexual/romantic to begin with, just disturbing and uncomfortable to watch happen between siblings.

Has it occurred to you that, perhaps, you're doing the projecting?

#the hippo answers #again don't know what this is going to accomplish but there you have it #i did chuckle at the “uwu” part #never been implied to be UwU anything before #this is just how you use tumblr #the tags are like endnotes #can add literally anything here #and sometimes it's to expand on the post #other times its to allow for derailing #i personally use them for the latter so that people focus on the post #like i'm doing now seeing as i didn't know how to add this section organically to my reply #dislyte #i'm not going to tag any characters because i really don't want this to continue on any space #i apologise to any tang yun and yamato lovers because i have no intent to make them unlikable with this conversation

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tibby · 2 years

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I’ll admit that it’s been many years since I’ve watched the Saw movies, so my memory of Amanda’s arc isn’t the best, but didn’t she rig some of the traps so it couldn’t be disarmed in the third movie? I remember this being something she did without anyone asking her to, and she just watched people die. It was like she didn’t enjoy or like the death of some people, but not minding others at all. But again it’s been years since I watched the movies, so maybe you can correct me on this one.

yes, amanda rigged her traps. but i don't think it was ever something she did with cruelty, and it wasn't ever something that she enjoyed.

amanda, at the point in the narrative where she begins to rig her games, was tested approximately two years prior. she has spent a majority of that time with john being moulded into this ideal apprentice. she has gotten absolutely zero help for the trauma she's experienced, and is spending all her time with the man who caused it, and who tells her that it was a good thing that he did that to her. he makes her believe that he rehabilitated her and made her a better person, that she doesn't need anything or anyone else as long as she has him and his legacy.

not only is amanda's relationship with john filled with emotional manipulation and stockholm syndrome, but it's also based on a lie that john believes and amanda can't ignore: that amanda has been fixed. because of course, she hasn't been. sure, she's no longer abusing drugs, but she's still dependent on toxic things, still desperately craving something that will help her escape the pain she lives with. she's still hurting herself, both physically with cutting, and emotionally with her dependence on john. she's in an incredible awful state mentally, but the only person who is close enough to her to do anything about it, is also the person who needs amanda to be in a vulnerable position. the more broken amanda is, the easier it is for john to control her.

so amanda is in this place where she's supposed to take on john's legacy, supposed to help prove that people can be rehabilitated and change for the better. amanda is primed to take on this legacy because she was the first one to survive, and is supposed to be the perfect example that john's methods work. but since they don't work, since amanda is still damaged, she begins to view the tests and the motivations behind them differently.

amanda, in her self loathing and her trauma, reaches the conclusion that nobody is good and nobody is capable of change. she decides that john's tests and ideology are absolute bullshit, but by this point she's in so deep that she can't leave. she loves john, and she wants him to love her too. so she has to do what he asks and keep testing people, because she believes that's the way to get his approval.

but how does she play the part of the perfect apprentice for john, even when she doesn't believe in his message? she creates the games, but she makes them unbeatable. she feeds into the delusions of john's work, while never actually giving people the opportunity to change. as far as amanda's concerned, people are inherently evil and won't ever grow or appreciate life. so it's better to kill them when she can, and save them from confronting that horrible reality.

but even when she's struggling with all this, when she's drowning in her self loathing and angry at the world around her, she's still desperately clinging to notions that people are good. she wants to believe that humans will save each other, forgive one another, make personal sacrifices to look after someone else. it's why the nerve gas house absolutely destroys her. she was in there to play a role, but i think she truly wanted everyone to survive. she wanted them to help each other. she was horrified when obi died the way he did, genuinely terrified of xavier, and went out of her way to look after daniel and laura. sure, part of the reason was because daniel needed to make it to the end for the sake of eric's game, but there was still a personal connection there. and if it was all an act, then why did she look after laura? why was she genuinely upset over her death? laura didn't need to make it to the end, but amanda wanted her to. she wanted everyone to. but xavier and his cruelty makes that impossible, and i think it shatters what very little belief in humanity that amanda has left. she still wants to think that humans can be good, but by that point, she no longer thinks it's possible.

it's why she's so thrown off when people are genuinely good to her. she doesn't know how to respond to daniel matthews showing her such kindness (and god, the fact that he was one of the few people who tried to save her, when his father was one of the people who doomed her), because he's supposed to just be a pawn but she can't stop herself from growing attached. adam is nice to her for thirty seconds, and it's enough for amanda to be haunted by his ghost and filled with such guilt over what she did to him that she tries to save him (because, to amanda, a mercy kill is a save). she doesn't want to shoot lynn, lynn who has been sympathetic to her even when amanda was cruel, but she believes she has to, and sobs when she pulls the trigger. amanda wants to see the good in the world and wants to think people are kind, but she is surrounded by so much cruelty that she can't. and so it unsettles her when she does receive it.

being hurt and hurting others, using and being used are all amanda has ever known. and as painful and horrifying as those things are, they're comforting to her at this point. it is easier to cling to them than admit that there is goodness in the world, but she just wasn't worthy of receiving it.

(sidenote: the only death we know that she willingly watches, not just for the sake of the game, is detective kerry's. and there's nuance to that one. i think watching kerry die had less to do with a desire to witness violence, and more...a bizarre act of payback towards eric matthews. eric matthews ruined her life, beat her bloody, and then taunted her that she'll never be jigsaw. amanda would have known that matthews and kerry were close, that kerry was desperate to find matthews, that she still saw him in high regard even after knowing what he did to amanda and others. i don't think amanda wanted to watch kerry die. i think she wanted kerry to know that she was behind everything, that matthews was to blame, that she'd die knowing that she couldn't put amanda back in prison.)

amanda makes her games unwinnable partially out of self loathing and partially because she thinks it's a kindness. it's her self harm on a larger scale, hurting others because she hurts herself in the process. punishing them because she doesn't think she's good or loveable or worthy of forgiveness, and therefore believes that nobody is. and she also wants to prevent people from ever learning this horrible thing she believes to be true. to amanda, it is better to be dead than it is to live in a cruel world where nothing and nobody ever changes. because to amanda, maybe it would have been better if she died in her first game, all those years ago.

#ask #anonymous #meta #amanda young #this doesn't make sense but. she's everything to me.

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zalrb · 7 months

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Would you call part of the affection Walt had for Jesse genuine love or do you think it can't be love because all the bad cancels out the capability for real love? I guess it comes down to everyone's definition of love but this is obviously one of the most debated relationships. I mean it speaks to their complexity and I want more dynamics on this level tbh lol where there's just SOOO MUCH. I miss the sooo much stuff lmao.

I definitely think their relationship is one of the most complex and layered relationships I've seen onscreen and with every rewatch, my feelings become more complicated. I remember when I was watching it in real time, me and my friend would have arguments because he hated Jesse and thought Walt could do no wrong in that dynamic specifically and I effectively thought Walt was a monster and was holding Jesse hostage so it was a really intense back and forth between us at the time.

I'll be the first to say that a lot of Walt's mistreatment of Jesse, while inexcusable, doesn't happen in a vacuum:

Jesse was severely unreliable and put Walt in extremely difficult situations because of his unreliability, such as when he’s so high he can’t deliver the meth to Gus and so Walt has to break into Jesse’s house to make the deal happen, causing him to miss the birth of Holly. Or demanding half of Walt’s cut because Hank took his, which actually isn’t really Walt’s problem. Or leaving the key in the ignition for two days straight.

And one of the sickest moments of irony on the show is him and Jane's dad talking about not giving up on family and it's a conversation where Walt calls Jesse his nephew, and he could've said he had a friend who had a son and he sees their issues, but he chose to refer to Jesse as his family.

And even though letting Jane die had serious larger consequences and of course deeply wounded Jesse, it also leads to his sobriety because Walt cared enough about him to put him in rehab instead of letting him kill himself in a meth den, which Walt would have the capacity to do for someone he did not view as family. He did just let a woman choke to death after all.

Not to mention, a lot of the obstacles they face snowballs from one particular decision, which was Walt's decision to protect Jesse, to keep Jesse from making the mistake of killing Gus' men, Walt does it instead:

which then leads to Gus trying to kill Walt but then that leads right back to Walt putting the responsibility of killing Gale on Jesse, which just breeds this cycle of codependency and toxicity.

Which leads to the question, does it matter whether or not what Walt feels can be love if the result is the same? It's still toxic, it's still codependent, it's still controlling, it's still verbally abusive. There is still an inherent power dynamic between the two of them

He still isolates Jesse from the things that make him happy. To me, what's one of the most disturbing scenes between them is when he manipulates him into breaking up with Andrea in season 5, the way that conversation starts with Walt making Jesse feel happy and hopeful

and then him slowly fracturing Jesse's relationship and potential relationship and then seeing Jesse get more and more panicked

he still ruins Jesse's peace at every turn so, I'm actually asking, does it matter if he also genuinely loves him?

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ladyddanger · 2 years

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One of the most annoying things is this fandom is people talking about clingy duo without realizing why they’re called clingy duo. There’s been an uptick in people either: a.) easing them from each other’s stories or b.) trying to make c!Tommy evil and mean and c!Tubbo his poor victim or c!tubbo evil and mean and c!Tommy his poor victim. The truth is we can’t talk about c!Tubbo without talking about c!Tommy or c!Tommy without talking about c!Tubbo. Their arcs are inherent to each other and their relationships are inherent to their arcs. For an example c!Tommy yelling at c!Tubbo before doomsday showed how far he had strayed from his own moral compass. c!Clingy duo have cared for each other since the start of the sever c!Tommy had been shown to be incredibly protective of c!tubbo. In Pogtopia he got in a fight with c!Technoblade a fight he knew he couldn’t win because he was so furious about c!Tubbo’s death. C!Tubbo has always cared about c!Tommy. He risked his life (and ended up losing it) to spy for him and Wilbur. He constantly carried the your Tubbo compass calling it his most valuable item. He was fully willing to die for c!Tommy.

And yes they hurt each other. They both made mistakes but they never stoped caring about each other. C!Tommy regretted saying: the disks where worth more then you ever were. The moment it came out of his mouth and apologized. C!Tubbo even though he thought he was protecting his nation almost immediately regretted exiling c!Tommy calling it a stupid decision and bringing his compass everywhere. To argue about which one of the traumatized child soldiers is the “worst” friend is silly at best and outright ignoring the lore at worst because it misses the point. The point isn’t which one of them is worse if it’s c!Tommy evilly manipulating and abusing poor Tubbo like c!Wilbur :( or c!Tubbo actually hating c!Tommy and turning on him the first chance he gets because he’s just like c!schlatt. The point is that they’re traumatized teenagers with communication issues and totally different styles of dealing with trauma and coping

C!Tommy clung to c!Tubbo after his death in prison because he needed him. It wasn’t to control c!Tubbo, it was because he was terrified of losing everything again. C!Tubbo went into denial after c!Tommy’s death. He dissociated himself from the pain so he wouldn’t have to feel the guilt and hurt. He didn’t “replace” c!Tommy or shut him out he tried to distance himself from the point of pain.

TL;DR? Clingy duos stories have intertwined from the start. You can’t talk about one without the other, and can’t boiled their stories down to good one and bad one because that’s not what they are. They’re clingy.

#i will defend my boys #i keep seeing bad takes in the tag and getting more more annoyed #c!tubbo #c!tommy #tw! exile #c!clingyduo #c!clingy duo

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fluentisonus · 2 years

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So I saw your Denethor post and I honestly at this point think that there’s just a deep and fundamental truth when it comes to his character, which is that some people are going to read him as abusive and some people aren’t.

I’m not even talking about the Jackson films here, just the actual text of the books - a lot of people read RotK, look at his interactions with people, and go “wow that’s a lot of abuse and manipulation” because of various things that they bring with them into their personal reads. I’m one of them; the way Faramir interacts with Denethor is exactly how I interact with my abusive father and as a result I’m personally not capable of looking at him as if he’s a noble or good person just because I see too much of my own past in how he behaves.

I’ve since realized that this isn’t a universal experience, and that a LOT of people genuinely don’t understand how anyone could see Denethor as abusive. It could be that they’ve had tense or toxic interactions that weren’t abusive, it could be that they see their own familial situation and that wasn’t abusive, or it could be that the abuse they’ve experienced doesn’t look anything like how Denethor treats both his sons - at the end of the day all that really matters is that this is just something they don’t see, and the people who DO see it wonder how anyone could see anything else.

I know that post is a few days old but I only just now saw it and I wanted to say something because I think a lot of people who don’t read him as abusive think that it’s got something to do with the Jackson films or with a bias against Men or whatever? But for a lot of us it’s just… we see him that way because that’s what the text literally says, in our reading, it’s not reaching or wanting to hate him or trying to twist the narrative into knots.

Hey,

So firstly, I wanted to say I see where you're coming from and I definitely understand how it can be read that way. The post wasn't meant to invalidate people's interpretations or experiences & I'm not going to disagree with your interpretation here because one of the joys of reading is that everyone has their own interpretation.

However I think for me the frustration is not about these readings on an individual level, but rather the fact that they've somehow become accepted as the only reading of the character and even that it was Tolkien's intention to write the character that way, which I strongly disagree with. I think there is a lot more nuance than people are giving it credit for and it frustrates me that this goes largely unacknowledged amongst readers who otherwise pride themselves in their analysis of characters and relationships.

Again this is not to say that this is a happy situation or any of these relationships are healthy or happy. But that's because these people have quite literally been on the front lines of a defense against essentially total destruction for years and years. We're seeing them for the first time at the absolute end of their rope. People are not going to be nice or considerate or accomodating in this situation, and I think it's a mistake to read this as their baseline state of being rather than a group of people who are absolutely going through it.

I think also it's complicated by the fact that this is not a parent/child relationship in a neutral setting. Yes, this is a father and his son, but the father is also the Steward of Gondor and the son is a Captain of the army, they're in the middle of a war, and they are having a fundamental disagreement over the state of that war and view of the world as a whole -- as the world is practically ending around them. Does this make for a healthy relationship? Of course not. This makes for an extremely fucked up relationship. But I'm a little tired of the fact that this is taken as inherently abuse rather than like. Two adults (to be clear Faramir is 36 at this point) who are both trapped into (inherented) roles commanding a country that's on the brink of destruction and having a disagreement over how they and their people could possibly survive. In fact I would say part of the tragedy is that they quite literally couldn't have a normal relationship divorced from this context.

I think both these characters are really well written and complex and deserving of a nuanced reading. I think their relationship is very interesting. Unfortunately that's not what I see with people's approach to Denethor. Very nearly everything I see is about him is extremely two dimensional and often explicitly treats him as a black-and-white villain, and likewise analysis of his character that embraces his full complexity is often met with denial by readers, which I find really frustrating.

So anyways. The point of my post was not to say that you can't interpret characters the way you want, I'm not against a variety of readings and perspectives based on people's different experiences. It was to say that there are huge swathes of this story that people on tumblr would be really interested in, thematically, in terms of characters, and in terms of relationships, if they could get past their determination to read Denethor so flatly, because I think to a lot of them it simply hasn't occurred to them to read him any other way.

#sorry if this is roundabout or repetitive I'm writing it on the tube & hsve not proofread it at all #thoughts #tolkien #ask #anon

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unminecraftsyourfic · 2 years

Text

Fic Review: what it's like to create choas by eternalempires

Oneshot

Word Count: 19,707

Important Tags: Superhero AU, Dark SBI, Villain SBI, Civilian Tommy, Vigilante Bee Duo

Warnings: Torture, Abuse, Dehumanization

Fandoms: DSMP

THIS FIC /pos.

THIS FUCKING FIC SPARKED MY CURRENT ANGEL DUO HYPERFIXATION.

Of all the superpower AUs I’ve read (and I’ve read a TON), this has one of the most interesting and unique ways of telling the story I’ve seen. The flipping between Tommy’s truths and lies in between relevant plot beats fleshes out both Tommy’s character backstory and the character relationships. The few scant details we get about Tommy’s actual backstory makes his actions feel that much more believable and sympathetic.

Starting from the beginning, the reader’s introduction to the Angel is just perfection. Most of the time in fics, Phil is completely in his element. He’s untouchable and in control. But here, he isn’t. He’s far from his all powerful supervillain self that most of the world knows. Rather, he’s at his most vulnerable, injured and unconscious in a stranger’s apartment. And while Tommy could take advantage of it, he doesn’t. Because from what we can tell, Tommy’s been in Phil’s shoes, vulnerable and at another’s mercy, and he refuses to stoop to that level. He helps him, regardless of the fact that he’s a villain.

Then, readers are introduced to Blade’s powers, which are so different from the typical Techno powers and fit him so well. The ability to manipulate both shadows and fear matches the character perfectly, and I appreciate it so much. The little bit of banter between Phil and Techno is lovely, and then we get our first hint of Birb Instincts. Which is just. Such good food. Such good food.

I absolutely adore the cafe scene, for both introducing the Bench Trio Dynamic and showing Tommy’s inherent protective nature. He’s not one to take shit sitting down, and will throw hands with just about anyone if he feels like he can help. Regardless of hero, villain, vigilante, or civilian, if Tommy can help in any way, he will.

The descriptions of Tommy’s relationships to the different members of SBI are just *chef’s kiss*. All of them are so different from one another (just like each person) but are so similar that they compliment each other perfectly. They’re all pieces of a puzzle that fits together perfectly.

I gotta say, I was so happy to see Tommy put the pieces together so quickly. As much as SBI likes to think they’re the smartest ones in the room, they aren’t as careful as they think they are. And Tommy is an incredibly intuitive person. He totally would be able to piece together secret identities like that, despite the fact that he acts totally unaware sometimes. And that protective instinct returns, determined to protect everyone he cares about, at the risk of his own safety and happiness. (Which often comes back to bite him in the ass, but that’s the one of the tastiest sorts of angst imo). Bravo to you, author, for showing Tommy’s intellect and insight.

Paternal Phil hits me so hard, especially when he acts so paternal when Tommy or someone is injured/incapacitated in some way. It just scratches this itch and I don’t know why, but this fic has that in SPADES and I can’t thank you enough for that. GOD it hits all the right notes for me and I fucking love it so damn much.

The dream sequence has this unnerving quality to it that sends a shiver up my spine every time I read it. The fact that George is so close to real life that it nearly trips Tommy up a few times is so unsettling in the best kind of way. The “dreams are almost indistinguishable from reality except for that One Thing” is such an underutilized trope, and I love it when I see it in the wild. The way each scene plays out is wonderfully described, vivid and dreamlike while still creepy.

And then there’s the torture scenes. OOOOOOOOOOO the torture scenes /pos. Dream is a little bastard and a bitch and I hope it fucking hurt when the Syndicate came calling. Bastard.

I’m pretty sure the scene in the van on the way back from rescuing Tommy is my favorite scene in the whole fic. There’s the tension of everyone’s distress at Tommy’s current state paired with Phil’s obvious affection for Tommy that just works so well together that I can’t stop thinking about it, even after I’ve read this fic 20 times. Just. AAAAAAAAA I love this scene.

Instincts. Getting lost in the hybrid sauce. Nothing more I really have to say about that but thank you for Soft Tommy <3.

(SBI is so soft for the boy it’s ridiculous XD)

The final reveal that it was Bee Duo that brought the whole superpowered society down on the Dream Team’s heads makes so much sense and fits so well with the overall narrative. And the little bit about Tommy treating everyone like people, regardless of which “side” they fall on, is perfection. Absolute perfection.

The only thing I have to say about the ending is they’re his, and he’s theirs, and they will never let each other go again. And I fucking love it.

Overall, this fic does so much right that it’s probably in my top 20 fics I’ve ever read for this fandom. The execution of the superpower tropes with a fresh, unique spin on enough that it makes the whole fic memorable, the superb characterization and plot, the incredible writing itself: everything in this fic works so well together that I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys SBI/Tommy-centric fics.

Amazing job author!!!!

link to fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36315184

#uyf mod ranboo #recsandreviews #sbi fanfic #dream smp fanfiction #angel duo #sbi #bench trio #what it's like to create choas #eternalempires

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howtoliveinparis · 2 years

Text

Christian Kinnersley

What is there to say about this one... Obsessed with being ”the alpha”, and this character he believes himself to be. Narcissistic and selfish beyond comprehension. A consummate egomaniac, and an extreme male superiority complex that gives him a belief that woman (and all men) are inferior. His intense resentment towards women might also be the reason he can’t connect with any. Despite the extreme ego, he is so obsessed with praise he seeks attention by posting photos and videos of his penis on Reddit, and waits with anticipation for comments. Even though he knows it’s mostly men who like and comment, praise is everything to him. A virgin, who never had a relationship for the first 26 years of his life, probably because most women can tell what a loathsome person he is, he is unable to make a connection with someone in real life, so he finds sexual relationships on Reddit, where they can exist completely online. According to him he spent all of his Oxford years masturbating on Skype for random people online. I couldn’t invent such a cautionary tale.

A cautionary tale none the less. I would begin what would be a long years. It would forever change my ability to love and trust another person.

Believing that people are inherently good has always been my downfall. I didn’t even realize I did that until I started noticing the motley group of characters on this blog. This is a cautionary blog so of course the people I mention are the worst of the worst of what I encounter. But what makes this story so despairing is that it came from someone I loved and trusted implicitly. Someone I would have given my life for, only to find out later that I didn’t know that person at all.

In fact I don’t even know if that person really existed. That’s the worst; being unable to believe your own reality, and questioning everything you thought you knew. Nothing is what it seems with him. He lies so much you never know what the truth is. He has so many versions of himself, but no one sees the whole person. He kept things from his twin. He doesn’t open up to his ”friends”. It’s hard to trust anything he says when no one knows the real him. I’ve never met anyone who lies so easily. I tried very hard, and probably got the closest to knowing him, but when someone is so dishonest what is the reality?

Emotional abuse is subtle. It doesn’t look like physical abuse. It differs from person to person. But the manipulation, the games, the stonewalling, the hot and cold, and withholding of affection and attention, all hurt as much as physical abuse. Your mental state is forever fractured and it’s hard to come back from. You’re forever changed from the toll it takes on you. Your relationships will never be the same because you’ve been hurt and manipulated by the one person who was meant not to hurt you.

They tell you things like “I’m just winding you up” when something hurts so it never comes off as intentional. It’s always “constructive”. “I would love you more” if you did this. Love always comes with conditions. “Maybe if you didn’t act that way”. “Maybe if you were better behaved I could see a future with you”. “If you were skinnier, I could love you more”. “If you were more attractive, you could be good enough for me”. I was apparently not as attractive as what he ‘deserved’ but he would always force me into having sex, despite me telling him very clearly “no”. All of these head games cause you to go crazy. Everything is under the guise that they are trying to “make you better” (so you can be good enough for them). Your self-esteem is slowly stripped away until you’re a shell of your former self. I am a strong person, who isn’t afraid to call anyone out, but after a year I was worn down. I was constantly questioning myself and my worth, which is not something that had crossed my mind before.

One Thanksgiving at a restaurant, I don’t remember how or why, but that night he took an interest in the way I held my knife and fork. We had been dating for months, but on this particular night he decided to scold and ridicule me. “My mother would think you were low class”. On and on it went that I wasn’t posh enough for him. I wouldn’t fit in with “his set”, and his friends. His twin, whose opinion consumes him, would think less of him if he ever met me. I wasn’t good enough for him, and he wasn’t sure I ever would be. Before I met him I had never had anyone imply I was an unworthy person, I didn’t have self doubt, I never questioned myself, but he never let me believe otherwise. I ended up spending the rest of dinner in the toilettes crying.

As it happens Americans hold their dinnerware differently. It’s a cultural difference. But that never changed how he treated me. He hates Americans (this apparently stemmed from his time at BlackRock), and according to him all Americans are beneath him. He is a terribly aspirational snob. His last name should be Middleton. He obsesses over class. He is so concerned with appearances, and what people think of him, especially what his twin and his twin’s girlfriend would think, it’s all he cares about.

He has some bizarre, perverse relationship with his brother Henry, and Henry’s girlfriend Rebecca Pearce. It’s like they’re in a threesome relationship together. She hated me from the start, despite me having never met her. I’ve never understood insecure women who hate other women for no other reason than their own insecurity and immaturity. They’re not allies. They’re anti-feminist and work to enable the patriarchy. She used to call me “Anfisa” (a Russian bride from 90 Day Fiancé) which I never understood, but insecurity breeds jealousy. I get it. I’ve heard that it happens to those kinds of women, the Kate Middletons of the world. I used to call her Christian’s Sister Wife because she instigated herself far too much in our affairs, business in my opinion that was not her’s. The extreme jealousy she had for someone she had never met led me to believe she had feelings for Christian, or that Christian wasn’t allowed to have a girlfriend that wasn’t her. His obsession with them, and the whole dynamic they have is all so very strange. I have never encountered an incestuous/jealous twin relationship before so I can’t understand it (and I’m a twin), but their opinion controls every aspect and decision in his life. He is obsessed with what they think of him.

And of course how he looks to others. Every move he makes is based on “how will others perceive me?, and “how can I be better than everyone else?”. It sounds at odds with being a narcissist, but thinking you’re better than everyone, and being obsessed with what others think of you, go hand in hand. He is a narcissist, who is extremely insecure, with a superiority complex. He should be more humble, considering his many, many failings both looks wise and in the bedroom, and his disgusting hygiene habits which includes bathing just once a week, but alas his sense of self does not match the reality.

Every relationship with another person is a game to him. He thinks everything is a competition. He needs to have the upper hand in every relationship. In this case it was always ‘I’m the best, this further proves my dominance’.

And that’s what it was; Domination. He loved being dominant. Over everyone. He’s a tyrant. He was a bully in grammar school, and got kicked out of school for it (lucky for him Oxford accepted him before he was expelled), and 10 years later he’s still a bully. To be on his good side you have to become subservient to him. You can never challenge him. You have to always give in. He always has to be in charge. In every dynamic he has to be the one holding the power. If he isn’t, he acts like a child and pouts until he gets his way. Or he’ll write you off altogether. It’s petulant, but not at all out of character for someone who crafts their world so they are the center of it. I have never met a smaller minded and less well rounded person before. It amazes me that at 26 someone can still be so immature.

Everyone at work was always a problem. He was always in trouble or being reprimanded by HR. There were always issues with his bosses or coworkers because no one is as smart as he is. He’s the best at everything. He was the only one who knew what he was doing. You should never question him. He was never wrong.

He went to Oxford, he studied PPE, to him that meant he was the ‘elite’ (despite being quite uneducated and ignorant). It is quite sad when someone peaks at such a young age, and can’t move on from their “glory days”. He used to send me articles, constantly bragging (he is an unabashed braggart), about how PPE graduates run the country (UK) and how special Grammar school boys are. In his mind he is actually even more elite than his peers at Oxford because he’s the “alpha”. According to him he is smarter, better, greater than everyone. There is no one whom he respects or admires because no one is on his level. According to him he grew up with a weak father, so every male that isn’t him is a “beta”.

And all women are ‘dumb bitches’. They deserve to be paid less because they are not good enough to do what men can. Especially in the world of finance, which he inhabits. A woman’s only use is to be a secretary. They don’t have the mental capabilities, and only got work, because they filled the ‘woman quota’. That’s his excuse for why any woman has a top job anywhere.

“Women are too emotional and crazy”. His relationship with his mother is the reason for his extreme resentment towards women. She called the police on him for hitting her, and had him thrown in jail for a domestic when he was 17 so his hate for women runs deep. Every time I did something he didn’t like I was “acting just like my mother”. She really did a number on him because his lack of respect, and belief that women are inferior, is nothing I have encountered before. There is a theory that men are inherently afraid of women, and have vilified women for centuries because they are afraid of our “power”. They seek to take down strong women because they’re targets. Put in that context it makes his attraction to strong women seem even more nefarious. He often jokes about what would happen if he ever has daughters (no doubt loads of emotional issues and therapy hours is what they'll end up with), he jokes about disowning them, shipping them away, or abandoning them and their mother because girls are weak and having girls would be the ultimate sin. His hatred for women is one step from Incel, so asking for respect from him was probably too much of an ask.

At work he would get into trouble constantly. There were always issues. “I do what I want” is his daily mantra. He refuses to do anything that anyone else asks of him; showing up on time, stop wearing trainers, wear suits, simple little things, that shouldn’t have been a battle, always were. He cannot, or outright refuses, to change himself. Even if it comes at the detriment of his career, or his relationships with other people. No one is as clever as him, so he doesn’t respect anyone and therefore doesn’t need to change.

And the selfishness. He must have been raised by a family of wolves, at least that’s how I justified it because only awful people could in turn raise someone so awful. His character lacks decent kindness, or any virtues for that matter. He isn’t capable of caring about a single person but himself.

An example, his birthday is December 13th, so it was always kind of a combined birthday/Christmas holiday each year. He refused to spend that time with me because he always chose football and skiing, but I am big on birthdays and holidays, so for our first year I decorated with banners and balloons. He then used them to decorate his mother’s house for his twin brother’s birthday. I wasn’t allowed to spend his birthday with him, but he could recycle my thoughtfulness for his family’s needs.

I got him a cake, champagne, and all of his favorite foods. I had a hamper from Fortnum & Mason delivered to his work on the day of his birthday. I bought him all of his favorite things; Adidas trainers, a jumper, Calvin Klein boxers, and a bunch of stuff from Barbour. I wanted him to have lots of presents because I wasn’t there in person and I wanted him to feel special. Everything I bought him was to ensure he was warm, dry, and taken care of during a London winter. In turn he got me an umbrella. The next year I bought him a bunch of warm clothes, a huge vintage map of Paris, and a smaller one of the Marais, because he’d always wanted them. He got me a card. That he filled out while I was in the shower a few days after because he couldn’t be bothered. He then spent £400 mounting the map of Paris to hang in his living room.

It wasn’t the material things, I bought him things because I genuinely enjoy spoiling the people I care about. The material didn’t matter, what bothered me was the fact that he honestly cannot think of anyone but himself. How hard is it to write something thoughtful in a card? He really is the only person that matters. I was someone that he claims to have “really loved”, but even I wasn’t immune. Respect, selflessness, consideration for others, these are not a part of his character. He lacks any ability whatsoever to see past himself, and his own needs and desires. His excuse would be “I’m bad at buying gifts for people”, and that would be the end of the discussion. He couldn’t even fake it just to make someone else happy. Like everything else when it comes to him, he is too obstinate to change. His arrogance leads him to believe he has no faults, so in his mind he’s “perfect” as is.

Unfortunately all of these traits laid the groundwork for psychological abuse. Dominance didn’t just occur in work relationships, and social relationships, it occurred in personal relationships. There was always some excuse for how things were my fault, even when they clearly weren't. I was never good enough, but after he hurt me I was always “great”. It was a constant back and forth of manipulation. I was always wrong, but it wasn’t “me”. He would say something but I wasn’t hearing him in the manner he meant it. I was “amazing”, but not good enough for him. I am someone who works at things, who wants to understand, who is always looking for ways to better myself, or finding ways for compromise, but I always failed with him. He is the only person who can win. He is the only person who is right. His way is the only way.

I can’t even explain to you what this does to someone’s psyche. There was always gaslighting of the truth and reality. Always an excuse for why something was never his fault. And always the fallback when he couldn’t explain it away “I’m never going to change so deal with it”. It’s a pertinacity against personal growth that is immature and pigheaded. And when he couldn’t win an argument, he’d just ignore you. He couldn’t be wrong if it didn’t exist. It is so unbelievably childish I still can’t understand how a grown and “educated” man acts that way. Like a child he will throw a strop until he gets his way. If that doesn’t work he will take his attention away until you do what he wants (I’ve seen him do it with his friends and bosses too). Every relationship for him is a chance for manipulation.

I don’t think I will ever come back from the toll this relationship took. I have a long road of hard work ahead. I’m sure it will be a lot of therapy, and if I ever find someone whom I connect with again, it will take a lot of patience and understanding, because trust will not be something I give away freely. How do you trust anyone after something like that? How do you believe anything anyone says?

I still love him very much. I miss him everyday, but I cannot understand this situation. I am confused by all of it, and trying to understand it makes the pain worse. I see the traits; domineering, tyrannical, manipulative, arrogant, narcissistic, misogynistic, controlling, selfish, and I understand how they come together to make the whole, but I can’t rationalize it with the person I want to believe I knew.

Apparently all of this is normal. It is not something that is easily explained. Emotional abuse is confusing because it comes from someone who says they love and care about you. But abusers always say that when they are abusing you, as if that makes it okay. Well after two years of emotional abuse, I am not okay.

🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂🕂

Immediately after writing this story he contacted me and was angry about the post. He spent three hours manipulating me, gaslighting me, guilting me, and being the kindest he’s been in a long time. He was sweet, he kept calling me “baby”, and suddenly we were the best of friends again. I felt bad for upsetting him. I felt guilty because he said I was hurting him. I didn’t want him to hate me. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything would be okay.

But he wanted something from me.

He’s so used to asserting his will, or putting on his “charming” act as he calls it, to get his way, when I didn't do what he wanted, he punished me for it. The pain I felt from that is something I can’t even describe. You’re hopeless, and it feels like it can never end, but you want to do anything to make it stop. I would rather shut down to people for the rest of my life than risk having another human being inflict that on me again.

I wrote this as a means of healing. Reading these things was meant to remind me that I wasn’t losing something valuable, no matter how much it hurt me not to have him there. And sometimes it is healing to write what you are feeling. Even if that only lasts for a short moment.

What you leave behind isn’t just pain but absence. A supreme blankness that triumphs over everything else.

I have spent the last month questioning the legitimacy of something, and someone, I used to have complete trust in. Until you’re in that position you have no idea how much it pushes you to the breaking point. There were moments were I felt, and still feel, like I am having a mental breakdown. I have always thought of myself as resilient and strong, and able to handle anything that life throws at me because up until now I have, but the overwhelming despair and sadness is something I cannot cope with. I constantly feel like I am a broken person now and I can’t see a light at the end of this. Nothing in life has ever beaten me, but this has completely demolished me. I don’t have the strength to get back up. I am defeated.

I also hoped that I would find solace in letting other’s know that they are not alone. I believe that the #MeToo movement has gone a long way in helping woman understand situations that cause them permanent damage. There is power in numbers, and I believe it helps to hear other people’s stories and know we aren’t alone. There is someone else who has gone through what you have, and it doesn’t make you any less of a person. There is no shame in someone hurting you.

As you can see he and I had a relationship that was only ever one sided. I had no one else. He was the only person I could turn to during our time together. Any time I tried to leave the relationship I couldn’t. According to him “I needed him”, “he was the only one who cared about me”, he couldn’t “lose me”. He would guilt me. He wouldn’t let me go more than a day without him. If I turned off iMessage to avoid speaking to him, he would hunt me down on every form of social media until I answered him. I am stubborn, and I will always try everything to make something work. I always caved because I couldn’t stand to see him in pain, and I wanted to believe him. I wanted to work on it.

When I try to look at our relationship objectively I can see what an awful person he is. Now that I no longer have anything to lose, I can see the manipulation tactics he employs. “But you say you want us to hang out together still”, like a carrot to get me to do what he wants. His attention is worthless to me now. It can no longer be held over my head. I no longer have to please him.

After reading this post, he has accused me of “doing criminal” things by writing it. Unfortunately for him there are text messages proving everything I wrote. I don’t lie. I don’t fabricate. And of course when I failed to give in to his demands, he grew even angrier. He uses so many abusive techniques to get what he wants, it amazes me how he can pretend to be blind to his manipulation tactics. Or perhaps that’s his game. He’s always lying to get what he wants. Of course he becomes irate when it stops working. His sociopathic tendencies really are on another level.

The truth is I never wanted to hurt him. I cared about him deeply. I would have done anything, and would give anything, to have him with me. From my point of view he was someone I loved very much. I had never loved anyone as much before. I made him my whole world (and in turn he destroyed it). He was my best friend, my confidante, he was the closest I have ever been to another person, and I was under the impression that we meant more to each other. I certainly never envisioned living a life without him. It hurts to lose my best friend more than I can ever write in words.

I am not a malicious person. I don’t set out to hurt people. I am very conscious of how my actions can affect others. I still feel shame and guilt when he says that I am hurting him. It’s stupid, I know, because he certainly never thought twice about hurting me. I wanted him to acknowledge what he did, but my feelings never even came up. It was all about him. If he bothered to look outside himself, or think about anyone but himself, he might see a person in love who is tortured. Instead he is so self-involved he thinks that I am out to get him. Everything is about him.

My intention with this post was to heal. I still cannot make sense of this, and I can’t understand how it went so wrong. How does someone turn on and off so easily? Who was that person I knew in the beginning? Did I imagine him? It’s probably my naive hope that people are good that I rationalize it by thinking I knew two different people. Especially when that person tells you over and over again that they don’t want to hurt you, and they “care about you”, and they “love you very much”. Why lie? I only knew one person, and he manipulated, and lied about everything, and he feels absolutely no remorse.

After the last conversation I had with him, it is clear that he can only see himself as the victim. He asserts that I am “weak and cannot move on”, and it is “unhealthy” to pay so much attention to this situation. He “has moved on and he will never look back, and I need to do the same”. He says he has met someone new who has read my post and “this isn’t a good use of my life”. I won’t even get into how selfish it is to flagrantly break lockdown to hunt for a new victim. Dalmore should really look into all of those “sick” days he scams them out of. I find it completely absurd that I was never allowed to leave the relationship, but now I’m painted as “psychotic” because I have thoughts on a relationship, and a person, that tore me apart. I wish I could snap my fingers and make all of this go away but alas I wasn’t the abuser.

There was a quote in “Dead Like Me” that I found very apropo. The son tells his mother “it’s not my fault she’s crazy” after his ex-girlfriend spray paints the family’s garage, and Christina Applegate retorts “ She is not crazy. You treated her like shit, so she was driven crazy,”. I know this is a hard concept for some people to understand but your actions profoundly affect others. Even if you can’t believe they do, listen to people when they tell you they have. Be an adult and take accountability for your actions. It’s simple.

To consistently abuse someone for years, belittle them after they tell you how you’ve hurt them, and then weaponize your new relationship by throwing it in their face that after one month you’ve easily moved on, and they’re pathetic for being unable to? Imagine being so tone deaf. Imagine being so cruel. There is something sinister that runs deep through him. I used to think he was just selfish, but it’s so much more than that. He is a disgusting, garbage human being.

Unfortunately I don’t have the ability to move past this yet. I was the unlucky one who was on the receiving end of his abuse and manipulation. I am unfortunate to not be able to move on so quickly. The damage he has done is something that will take years of work to try to undue, if it can ever be undone. He destroyed me, but has the cheek to say ‘walk it off’? He’s an insensitive, egocentric prick.

The truth is, if someone really loved you they would never treat you like that.

All I hope anyone can take from this is that people don’t change. You can try to explain to them how hurt you are, but they don’t care. Especially people as narcissistic as he is. No matter how much you tell them “you hurt me”, they are never going to feel the pain that they inflicted on you. And in this case they will paint themselves as the victim. He cares so much more about what people will think about him, than about the pain he put someone through, it’s disgusting.

I shouldn’t be surprised by the outcome. Abusers will always find a way to blame you. They are incapable of accepting that they are abusive. Or in this case, they simply don’t care. As someone who takes accountability for my wrongs, self reflects constantly, and consistently works to change my bad behaviors, it is something I am still having trouble accepting. But people this horrid aren’t capable of self-reflection, if they were they wouldn’t be such terrible people.

I so badly wished he would realize his wrongs, make the changes, and run off into the sunset with me. But he can’t acknowledge the damage he has caused. It’s all about him. He’s not capable of holding himself accountable. At the end of our relationship I begged him to try couple’s therapy, when he refused I asked him to seek much needed therapy on his own. I really felt that he could benefit by talking to someone. But he doesn’t believe in therapy. I desperately wanted this to work. There were moments in our relationship where it seemed great, and I thought it just needed a bit of work to have those times more often.

Unfortunately life isn’t a romcom. The wanker doesn’t figure out being an asshole is really bad and changes for the girl. You don’t live happily ever after. The Beast doesn’t become the Prince.

As women we need to shirk off the idea that if we just love someone enough they’ll change. We are engineered to be okay with “potential” and not with what is right in front of us. We think if we show them affection, patience, understanding, forgiveness, compassion, and warmth they will turn into someone who will love us as much as we love them. He had never had a relationship before, he had never experienced affection and love, I used to think that if I was just patient it would all work out.

That is not the case. Love cannot change anyone. Especially someone who “doesn’t need a relationship” and doesn’t care about love. I am aware that sociopaths exist, but I had never dated one before. Patience and understanding will not change that type of person. They will use you for everything that you have, they will take everything you can give, give you nothing in return, and then leave you depleted and broken.

I wish I had something more profound to say, but after a month I am still nowhere near able to make sense of this. I wish I could understand. I certainly tried hard to understand. I blame myself for letting this happen. I feel stupid for believing anything he said, and for thinking a good person could exist in him, when I could see one didn’t. I constantly made excuses for him. I tried to rationalize every bad thing he ever did. I let things slide because I told myself “this is new to him”. And worse I feel dumb for wishing we could go back to those happy times we had together.

I don’t like being angry. I don’t like the person I was in the post above, attacking someone that I loved and would have given my life for. I don’t like carrying around this hurt that is consuming me. I keep hoping one day there will be forgiveness, and we’ll hang out together in Austin and London.

But it’s a pipe dream. It will never happen. Maybe I am weak because I am willing to forgive too easily. Possessing empathy makes me a weak person. But I think what makes me so willing to is the fact that he is the only person I have ever been that close to and I didn’t want to lose that. I waited so long to find that, and the thought of finding that again seems unrealistic. When we met it was an instant spark. A banter that was so easy and so forthcoming. A meeting where everything just clicked into place. It was comfortable, and natural, and flowed effortlessly. I had never had that before. I thought I had found my other half. When you finally find that, you’ll do anything to not lose it.

But thinking that also clouds your judgement. His behavior over the last month has been particularly vile, callous, and cruel, and doesn’t deserve forgiveness. He’s actually become an even worse and crueler person. I need to remind myself constantly that he’s not my friend. I’m not sure he ever was. I want so badly to believe people are good. I want to believe people can learn. But I was just an easy target for him to prey on. What he got from consistently using me, lying to me, and hurting me I will never understand. I need to accept that. I am trying to understand the psychology behind abuse so I can heal, while dealing with this huge hole in my life where a person once took up so much space, and I am failing.

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I never considered this because I have never considered myself that kind of person but he gave me an eating disorder. For almost two years he told me I wasn’t skinny enough for him. He would constantly look at old photos of me when I was 53kg (which is what I consider an unhealthy weight as a result of a stressful period), and he would tell me that he wished he could have dated that version of me. His ideal woman is Emily Ratjakowski, who is someone I consider anorexic, and would never want to look like. After so many months of being told I wasn’t enough, I wanted to please him. He would tell me “if you were skinner, I could marry you”. I knew that I had to do it in order to please him. He made me hate my body, which I never did before. I began allowing myself only 1000 calories a day. If I had eaten that, and I was still hungry, I wouldn’t allow myself food. I also had to make sure I burned off all of those calories each day. I was obsessed with it. He would ask me to screenshot my daily steps to make sure I was doing them. Oddly enough when we broke up I didn’t eat for weeks and I ended up losing 30lbs. How happy that would have made him.

Thankfully I now recognize how unhealthy orthorexia (counting calories) is. It leads to an unhealthy relationship with food. I still count calories, it’s something that sticks with you I suppose, but I try to no longer care about “going into the red”. I struggle with it constantly. I sometimes don't allow myself food. I know it's bad, but I also can't help myself.

It’s another layer of the ramifications of what this relationship did to me. Throughout our relationship he would tell me all of the time I was not social enough for him, and I was never allowed in London because I would “embarrass” him, and I wouldn’t fit in because he’s such a social person. I’m a homebody who prefers my own company, and according to him his friends would think I was weird, and they wouldn’t accept me for this. I would reflect badly on him.

I am currently working in America. It’s strange to me because I was told for so long that something was wrong with me for being an introvert. But I make friends easily. Despite the fact that I always knew I was someone that people were easily drawn to, I was constantly told for years that I wasn’t enough. It’s a juxtaposition that I find hard to understand. It's a constant mindfuck.

Among other things, we broke up in October of 2019. From the period of October 2019 to May 2020 our relationship was off and on. We never went 24 hours without speaking to each other, but we had been fighting since July as that’s when he came to Paris less and less because he wanted to vacation with friends during the summer. We barely got to see each other as it was and I resented him for that. I felt less affection and attraction to him as a result.

Despite our breakup in October he would beg me to come to Paris. We would fight the Thursday before because, while I still loved him, and always wanted to see him, another part of me would have to hear his arguments about the future of our relationship, and I felt it wasn’t right for him to come. He would always accuse me of manipulation, and making him waste money on tickets, but it was a fair argument in my eyes. I wanted to see him, but I wanted to hear him when he said he had reservations about continuing our relationship.

It didn’t matter because he always came. I wasn’t allowed to go to London, but he was allowed to come to Paris and stay at my apartment whenever he felt like it. Which was pretty much often because he was always trying to escape his London life. Paris was where he could be himself, and he always found an excuse to come.

Every time I told him beforehand; if you come you can’t touch me. I don’t want to have sex with you. Which is honestly how I felt. The back and forth was too much. He was constantly telling me he was confused and he didn’t know how to rationalize the feelings he had for me with what he thought about his future. If I tried to stop speaking to him, but he would force himself into my life by contacting me on every form of social media until I answered him. It made me extremely confused.

But he would show up, and the first thing he would do was try to hug me. I would always push him away, but then he would start trying to kiss me. Usually it would stop by us going to dinner. He hates PDA so he would never do it in public. When we would get ready for bed he’d again start trying to be physical. I would tell him you have to sleep on the floor, which was always our means of compromise for him to come to Paris. But he would start trying to touch me and eventually he’d put his fingers in me, which I always hated. It felt like he knew he would get his way as long as he put his fingers in me. Usually I’d be able to keep my legs shut but he would force his way in, and eventually we would have sex. Of course after he would go to the floor.

Every time I voiced how much I hated that he did that afterwards, he would always say “well you got wet so you wanted it” or “you needed to get fucked so you’d stop being a bitch”. Because in his eyes every woman is a bitch because she’s not getting “fucked properly”. And every time was the same, after he got what he wanted he’d go back to being unaffectionate and cold.

I’ve never said this before because I feel like it paints our relationship in an unfavorable light. The truth is there are layers upon layers of stories that show the emotional abuse that occurred during our relationship. I am still trying to unpack them. If I bring any of it up I am accused of lying. Or Christian and his family will paint me as a 'bitter ex'. The text messages are there. I didn’t make it up. We clearly discussed it amongst each other over the course of months. They’re not lies I fabricated because according to him “we had a bad breakup”. I am tired of him trying to force me into believing that none of it happened.

Every time I think I’ve come to terms with this relationship, I realize that I haven’t. I can’t emotionally connect to people, especially men who I have no respect or regard for, which is turning into a loneliness I can’t bear. I want so badly to be in a relationship, and have that partner that I always dreamed of, and that love, and that best friend that everyone else seems to have so easily, but I can’t. I used to have it. But it's gone. It makes living unbearable. I will forever have him there reminding me, haunting me, a scar I can’t get rid of. He takes up so much space in my mind on a daily basis that it feels like I will never be rid of him. And I am still trying to gain the confidence that he stole from me back.

This is turning into a very long struggle, which seems to be an extremely, unfairly high price to have paid for loving someone.

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I am aware of the lies Christian has written about me on his “blog”. I don’t know how someone lies so matter of factly. Do you just not have a conscience? Is there nothing in you that feels bad for being untruthful? But I suppose one will say anything to make themselves look better. The text messages, he wrote, plainly show he’s lying, and yet he can, with a straight face, tell you the sky is green, and the grass is blue. It boggles my mind. I don’t understand it. I really believe it is mental illness.

Most of his allegations imply criminality, which if they were true, would produce legal repercussions. Let’s not pretend he cares about me, or that he’s doing me any favors by not running to the police. He already has.

I take offense to the things he wrote. He makes me sound like a criminal. That he could say those things with a straight face… I don’t lie, and because of that I am someone who does not like being called a liar. The more I am pushed, the more I reveal. My sense of justice is just too strong.

I don’t know what else I could have done in our relationship. I put him over me time and time again. I tried to give him everything he wanted. I sacrificed. I would have done anything for him. I would have given my life for him. It wasn’t enough.

How much can one person take from you before it’s enough? He ruined my life, and that’s still not enough for him. He wants me to pretend like he didn’t do any of the things that he did. What he did to me during the course of our relationship was awful. He has inflicted so much permanent and lasting damage, and then he tried to gaslight me into believing he did nothing wrong. He manipulated me. For a time it worked. But then he revealed himself.

I am not going to pretend that this relationship didn’t leave a huge scar. Or that I’m okay. Because the truth is, I’m not. I am still dealing with the stain that he left on my life. The days keep passing and they don’t get any easier. Every day is a constant reminder, and most days I wish that I didn’t have to wake up.

An officer from the Met contacted me a while ago, regarding an allegation of harassment against me, made by Christian, but she doesn’t answer my inquiries. I don’t know the process in the UK, but one can assume it has been dropped if she refuses to return emails regarding the matter? At the very least she could let me know.

Henry Kinnersley, Christian's twin, threatened to “prosecute” me to the fullest extent. I’ve never met him, I barely said two words to him when I was trying to get Christian a Green Card for America back in January, but according to him he's an expert on my relationship (and tried to mansplain it to me). I’m tired of being told I’m lying, I’m tired of the threats. I wait with bated breath for “justice”, as he calls it, to be served.

Christian is a truly reprehensible and vile person, a compulsive liar and manipulator. Despite his claims to the contrary, I stand by the fact that I have told no lies. My only crime was loving him far too much, and being far too forgiving, and open to reconciliation, than he deserved.

When I met him I thought he was a snobbish bore. I wanted to believe there was more to him. That was not the case. I made him a better person in my mind. I gave him depth he does not possess. I thought he was, or could be, something extraordinary. If I could love him enough, care enough, showed him I believed in him I could bring out his best?

But he’s nothing more than a tulip in a cup, and he stands no chance of growing up. He watches YouTube videos and dating shows every second of the day, he’s illiterate, and he only cares about his weekly football matches, and his “dinners” with his brother and his Uni friends. There is no ‘there’ there. I had to teach him. I took him to task. I forced him to open up and move away from his comfort zone. I enlightened him to new ideas. I encouraged him to look beyond his small world. I asked him to be his own person. I wanted him to place less emphasis on what others thought. I demanded he become emotionally intelligent. I would have done anything in my power to ensure his success. I would have given anything to ensure his happiness.

We shared a lot of the same thoughts, and we agree on the same ideas, even our character traits are pretty similar so I thought we were on the same page. I thought when he was in Paris he could be himself, without pretense. But he was nothing more than a city boy, living in his small minded London world, never growing, never wanting to go beyond. No aspirations, no ambition beyond growing up to be Boris Johnson.

All of the traits I thought he possessed were traits I gave him. I asked him to go beyond what he was, and what he knew. I wanted more for him. I pushed him to finally take the GMAT and submit his application for Harvard. I sent his resume to companies. I tried to sponsor him for a green card for the US so he could work there. I told him to use my address and apply for residency in France if Paris was what he really wanted. I wanted great things for him, and I would have done anything to get them for him. If he had wanted to stay home and paint for the rest of his life I would have worked so he wouldn’t have to. Because when you love someone you will go to the ends of the earth to make their dreams come true.

But he resented me for it. He is impuissant and stagnant. He will always be vain, arrogant, and pigheaded. To be someone profound, to truly be someone with depth, you have to have intelligence beyond inputting numbers into Excel. He is incapable of accountability and self-critique. He’s as deep as a puddle. Whatever he was when he was with me was transference. It’s the reason I am confused by the ‘new’ person he became. It’s not new, it’s who he always was. Whoever I thought I knew was a figment. I grieve for ‘him’.