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whoacanada · 3 years

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(Hey, look! That Zimbits AU where Jack goes into PR after retiring from the NHL and NHL!Bitty comes looking for advice about coming out!)

“Your ten-o-clock, remember?” April gestures to the conference room with her pen. “The cutie the Hurricanes coughed up for Pride Night outreach? He’s here.”

Jack tugs down the blinds with a cautious finger and zeroes in on the handsome blonde sitting awkwardly at one end of their large conference table, conspicuously alone. “There’s always suits for outreach talks,” Jack hazards, looking back at his receptionist over his shoulder. “They never send players alone.”

“It’s what we’ve got on the books. Eric Bittle, Carolina Hurricanes. No plus ones.” April whispers, checking her calendar. “Well? Get in there, Boss; and buckle up, he’s got an accent.”

Eric Bittle looks up, his dark brown eyes wide and unfairly attractive as Jack extends his hand, Bittle rising to take it. Everything about Bittle is polished and perfected; suit tailored, hair coiffed so neatly Jack would posit he’d gone in to have it trimmed before he’d arrived this morning. He’s pulled together so tightly, in fact, that Jack can’t find any loose threads, and if he remembers his time in The Show correctly, no loose threads means Mr. Bittle’s probably hiding something.

“Eric? I’m Jack Zimmermann. It’s great to meet you.”

“Oh, I know who you are,” Bittle chuckles, and Jack’s heart would skip a beat if he wasn’t so certain there’s a huge piece of context still missing from this meeting. “It’s still very nice to meet you in person.”

“So, tell me about Pride Night,” Jack pops the button on his suit jacket and settles down across the table. “What, exactly are the ‘Canes thinking about doing that involves you coming to see us?”

Bittle bites his lip briefly, gaze darting off before coming back to settle on Jack, and Jack is reminded of so many media training sessions it’s like he’s back in Vegas again.

“I may have, ah, fudged the reason for my visit a bit. Yes, we have Pride Night coming up, yes I’m the designated sacrifice, but I’m more here on personal business.”

Jack eases the tip of his pen from the legal pad, recognizing an off-the-record admission is coming. “How personal?” He questions. “Are we talking potential legal trouble or just potential social trouble? Or no trouble at all.”

“I’m gay.” Bittle says plainly. “Whatever trouble that may be. My team knows it, my family knows it, and I want to come out — I need to come out — and I can’t mess it up.”

Jack is grateful for his game face, reaching for the coffee carafe near him to couch his surprise and no small measure of his excitement. “Oh, you mean like I did?” Jack jokes, earning a soft smile.

“No active player has come out since you retired,” Eric skirts Jack’s comment, taking the mug before gingerly amending, “Not voluntarily, at least. I’d like to break that streak. Given your experience, and what you do now, it seemed like the smart move to come speak with you.”

“Well, I’ll be the first to admit my behavior didn’t lend itself to much confidence with the public at large, but that’s why I’m where I am today. Making sure people like you can learn from my mistakes.”

“And you made a lot of mistakes,” Bittle murmurs, taking the mug from Jack gingerly, glances back out the window as he takes a sip, and Jack fights a smile when he realizes what’s happening.

“Are you . . . chirping me?”

“Makes me less nervous,” Bittle admits, apologetic. “But that was rude, I’m sorry.”

Bittle’s eyes are bright. His smile is bright. Everything about him is warm, inviting. Jack might be biased, though, he’s always had a soft spot for compact blondes.

“Don’t apologize.” Jack leans back in his chair, feeling lighter than he has in weeks. “You might be the only one in the whole league right now that doesn’t need to apologize.”

“I think I need to have a partner,” Eric clears his throat. “I can’t come out without a reason, otherwise what’s the point.”

“That answers one of my first questions, gives us a place to start. Yes, a boyfriend gets you points, but not in the way you’re thinking. If you come out with a guy on your arm, the story becomes maintaining the relationship, not that you have one or that you are ‘out’ at all. The scandal is the relationship falling apart, or you flirting with a fan when you have your partner at home, that kind of drama.”

“And if I just say, ‘hello, I am a homosexual’ people will think I’m promiscuous, or just trying to get laid.”

“Maybe. Are you?”

Bittle’s expression turns indignant, lips twisting into a judgmental frown that reminds Jack of his grandmother before a scolding.

“What kind of question is that? Yes, of course, but they don’t need to know that. But that doesn’t — You know, you gave me hope?”

Jack doesn’t quite startle, he’s well beyond the jumpyness of his youth, but he has no clue where this conversation is about to go.

“When you came out, when you were drafted, your cup season . . . every time you succeeded, beat the odds, it made me think, maybe, I could do it, too. I could be a professional athlete, I could play hockey, and it didn’t matter who I wanted to be with.”

Jack knows there’s a ‘but’ coming, he can feel it; so he gets there first.

“But . . . then I overdosed.”

“Then you retired.” Eric corrects. “Two years before I signed with Carolina, and you just gave up. I was going to be the first out NCAA men’s hockey captain, you ‘retired’ in scandal, and suddenly the trustees didn’t want the attention. Back to square one.”

“Eric, I wasn’t well.” Jack defends gently, knowing Bittle isn’t trying to be cruel.

“You let them get to you! You were supposed to be untouchable. I needed you to be untouchable.”

“Eric.”

“I’m sorry,” Bittle looks down at his hands, the table, anywhere but Jack. “I genuinely didn’t intend for any of this to come up so quickly, you’ve been nothing but charming and here I am dumping all my baggage on you like we’ve been talking for years . . . ”

“It’s actually alright. I’ve made peace with what happened to me, what I put myself through, and I wasn’t kidding that I’m very intent on making sure I can help others avoid the same pitfalls. So, what do you need from me right now?” Jack asks, genuinely curious. “An apology? A hug? You wouldn’t be the first to ask.”

“I want . . .” Bittle huffs, closing his eyes and evening his breathing. “I want dinner.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I’ve loved the idea of you since I was sixteen, but now I actually need your advice on how to do this without losing my mind, and I can’t plan my future from a boardroom, so, I want you to take me to dinner. I want to hash this out like two normal, well functioning adult men. Also, maybe alcohol.”

“Speak for yourself on the well-functioning part,” Jack chirps himself, “but I think dinner can be arranged. I assure you, you’ll have my full support moving forward. The firm’s, as well.”

Bittle’s lips quirk, holding Jack’s gaze. He caught the slip, and now there’s nothing to do but own it. They lapse into a gentle silence. Jack sipping his coffee, Bittle doing the same. Jack isn’t sure what he’s waiting for, the puck is at the end of his stick. He flashes a smile. Bittle blushes.

“So,” Jack begins. “Do you like Burmese?”

____

They part ways and April’s eyes are huge with suspicion. “Should we discuss fees?” she asks. “Do we need to start billing? Sounds like it went well.”

“Nah, we’ll talk later about payment,” Jack replies, folding his jacket over his arm, hiding the slip of paper with Bittle’s personal number and trying not to stare as the forward walks away. “I have a strong feeling I might be handling this pro bono.”

#Zimbits #OMGCP #my stuff #eric bittle #jack zimmermann #PR AU #NHL!Bitty #tw: overdose mention #I know I’ve been gone forever here’s a treat to say sorry

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themountainsays · 2 years

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I'm not a huge hanahaki fan, but it's just way too fitting for Isamira. I think there's more angst potential in making Isabela's hanahaki a subconscious use of her powers instead of a disease, though. Isa'd assume it's some kind of karmic thing instead of being self-inflicted, the family'd worry over what it could mean that the magic is turning on one of their own, and best of all: requited love would only be the first step, because self-love is the real cure. (1/2)

So, instead of Mira's confession instantly curing Isa's hanahaki, Isa starts to recover for a while due to Mira's love and acceptance, only to sicken anew as she remembers she's supposed to feel crushing guilt for corrupting her little sister, not happy and fulfilled with the love of her life. That'd fit in well with the need to hide their relationship, and would also narratively echo the movie, where the initial fix reveals a larger problem that needs a more fundamental solution. (2/2)

Same anon that sent the powers-hanahaki ask with an addendum: The gifts are bestowed by the miracle, so if Isa's powers are killing her, what's the natural conclusion but that the miracle (which has a quasi-religious significance to her family) is killing her as punishment for her feelings, turning the gift it gave her into a curse? That's an angst at least on-par with what Mira must've felt when she failed to get any gift at all-- at least the miracle didn't seem to be trying to hurt her.

👀 ohh self-love as the cure for Hanahaki is a WONDERFUL spin I’ve seen seeing some people play with lately and I adore it. I worry it may make it a bit more… eh… generic, maybe? But at the same time, I’m gay so I can relate to this shit. Ahh I have in my mind the crystal clear image of Isabela lying down on her bed, sick and exhausted, turning her head to the side and seeing Mirabel sitting next to her, on the edge of her bed, gently brushing Isabela’s hair aside to better see her face. Just this very tender and sweet gesture full of adoration and concern that makes Isabela’s heart twist and feel her lungs more full and more empty than ever before. Gosh this whole concept is so heartbreaking anon I love your brain sm ahhh the miracle turning against her! Seemingly. Apparently. Allegedly. Even though she has the gentlest more innocent and pure romantic love for her sister, it still looks so wretched and horrible in her eyes. It’s possible that her powers hurt her because she wants to hurt herself. Because she hates herself. They’re punishing her because she thinks she deserves punishment, and receiving worse pain only seems to confirm it. God it would frighten Mirabel so much. Of course everyone is terrified, but Mirabel feels especially disturbed since at this point she knows the truth and she just doesn’t want her big sister to die. She’s scared. Ooh imagine her showing up at Isabela’s door one day because she had a nightmare about the disease taking her, so she crawls into her bed and hides her little face in her chest and softly cries, like so softly you can tell she’s trying not to but the way she’s gripping her sister’s nightgown and how small she makes herself gives her away and breaks Isabela’s heart all over again. And since Isabela’s health improved a little after her confession maybe she’s hoping that MORE love will help? But it only seems to make it worse because Isabela feels MORE guilty that she’s forcing Mirabel to be around her, to show her affection when she should run as far away from her as possible. Isabela shouldn’t be allowed to touch her at all, but Mira still climbs into her bed every now and then and refuses to leave.

Gosh Isabela’s guilt and self-hatred spiraling deeper and deeper as she convinces herself that the Miracle hates her, that it wants her dead, that she’s no longer useful to the family so she had to be discarded, or else she’ll end up hurting them. I imagine that the internalization of this idea would mean a huge crisis of identity since she’s constructed her whole sense of self around being her family’s Perfect Princess, since they liked her like that. She’s convinced that the only thing left she has of herself is her sacrifice, and Mirabel obviously tries to tell her that no, there’s so much more to her, she’s unconditionally loved etc etc more shit that gives Isabela bad coughing fits and makes her vomit blood. At one point I imagine Mirabel will just try to distance herself from her, believing her presence causes more harm than good.

Gosh Isabela with hanahaki disease is so good ahhh her magic turning against her sanjksnfjknde because she turns against herself skalnfjkñewfn I love it sm 😭😭😭😭 I wonder if she’d struggle to make flowers grow too, because they’re all growing inside of herself, so there’s also an element of “losing her gift” (or rather losing her ability to control and use her gift the way Alma expects of her), so add that to the stress. Honestly if it weren’t for Julieta’s cooking out girl would be super dead by now ;-; ahh but I’m just imagining, like, the first time she actually kisses Mirabel and “lets the love out”, all of these tropical flowers suddenly grow around them, because she’s releasing herself for the first time in her life ;-;

#madrigalcest #isamira #isamira hanahaki au #shipcest #uhh #self harm cw #sorta

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sleepless-in-starbucks · 3 years

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14 (bodyguard AU) and 46 (blind date) sounds fun,,, your choice of ship ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥

14. Bodyguard AU || 46. Blind date

Random choice generator got me creativisleep!

roman's a semi-popular actor- he's never really been to an awards show, and he's not been in That much, but he had a small but strong role in a real popular film and plenty of leading ones in lesser known movies. he's got enough of a following to be satisfied with himself, even if it isn't That huge of one

because of this, roman didn't take the possible dangers of his fame seriously... until he got jumped by one fan at a play in his hometown. he came out fine (he's always fine ;p) but it made him reconsider his choice to not have some sort of protection

he ends up hiring remy to be his bodyguard, a choice he Slightly starts regretting when he realizes remy, despite having excellent marks out of bodyguard school, is about as professional as a golden retriever

they take roman's food out of his fridge Whenever, borrow Way too many of his shirts (and roman hasn't seen his BMC 'boyf riends' hoodie since they got their hands on it), and is never in typical bodyguard wear (they wore a suit for the interview and never again)

but they also bring roman coffee (when did they get his regular figured out...?), talk to him like he's just a Person and not a celeb, and have yet to try and kill him themself so. roman's alright with them staying

(plus, is it so wrong if roman enjoys how they look? he deserves for a bit of an eye-candy sorta bodyguard, damnit, they're with him all the time after all)

remy's been with roman as his bodyguard for a few months when roman decides he cant just keep Lookin at a pretty person, he deserves to have a pretty person to kiss and cuddle with too!! so he pokes around for a bit, finds a non-homophobic service (he's pan, so he could Technically use a plain ol' straight service, but he refuses on gay principle), and uses it

idk how datin apps work but this one that im makin up is a blind match up app, which takes ur information and uses it to randomly pair u up with random accounts. the app keeps account info privated until After the first date has been gone on, to really maintain the 'blind match' aspect. the matched up people play a mini guessing game through the app about places they can go for a date until location and time is determined

roman likes the idea of the app mostly to keep his own identity secret as long as possible- he doesnt want people pickin his account Just bc he's a celeb, y'know?

the first couple of blind dates dont go well tho... most are nice people who roman just isn't compatible with, one was a straight woman who spent the entire date being Very homophobic despite roman's rainbow heart + pan flag pins, and someone who was clearly Too Much Of A Fan (remy had to physically pull them off of roman and help him escape the park before they could latch back on)

oh, did roman not mention? remy's been coming on all his dates with him

because of course they are! they need to protect roman! whether that's by eating dinner in the booth over or sitting two rows back at the cinema or awkwardly half-stalkin roman and his date while they walk about

so they're always there, to bring roman there and take him home, and listen when he complains about the bad matches and lament the almost-winners, and convince him he is a catch that needs to try again because eventually Someone will realize he really is too good to pass up

(remy always says that line in a weird way)

so he keeps trying... until roman has possibly the worst date ever

because he gets stood up. it's fifteen minutes past the scheduled date time, he's gotten no text explainin where they are, but he's sittin at the restaurant alone and starting to become rather upset by the pitying look the server gives him when he says he's still waitin on someone else before he orders

remy slides into the seat across from him at the 20 minute mark. shoots roman an apologetic smile that an outsider would mistake as a 'sorry im late' one when roman knows it's a 'sorry they didnt show' one

roman appreciates the gesture to save him, but he almost just wants to go home at this point. he's tired and bein stood up feels like Shit, actually, and he's about ready to call off the whole dating thing really, dramatic as that may be (like it's not his middle name)

but remy says smth about this place having really good sandwiches, and it's clear they're tryin so hard to help roman out here, even a little, and roman can't just dismiss that effort, so he picks up his menu again and orders smth and tries to ignore the way his face heats up just the slightest at the relieved smile remy flashes next

lunch with remy is great, actually, better than it would've been with whoever couldnt be bothered to show or apologize or Anything. remy even knows the way to an ice cream shop on the way home, sayin it's for roman's 'broken heart' as they pay for it

except, well... roman's heart isn't feelin so broken anymore

it's actually feeling pretty put together. really functional. functioning really fast. especially when roman's looking at remy. or when remy's lookin at roman. or when they smile. or when they laugh. or when they speak. or when they-

roman doesn't fall asleep until 2am that night, heart still racing a bit, screaming into his pillow a bit as he acknowledges he is wholly and totally head-over-heels for his bodyguard

he tells remy the next day he's done with dating for a bit, saying he's still upset over being stood up. he doesn't mention that it's also bc remy's ruined all other people for him

things try to fall back in routine from there, but it's a bit harder when roman's trying to not be so in love with someone who just works for him. and remy's definitely started pickin up on it too- they had asked him just last if he was okay, that he didn't seem as upset by remy takin his clothes anymore, and that didn't seem like him, was he getting sick?

the opposite, actually, absolutely nothing makes me feel better then seeing you walk around in my shirt or jacket or whatever else, please never stop and also kiss me?

roman just said he was tired

eventually... roman decides this can't keep going on. remy's giving him more weird looks these days, and roman is pretty sure being around remy so much without Any kisses is starting to cause brain decay (it's not, it's really not, remy always bein on his mind is just a side effect of.... pretti........). so, he takes matters into his own hands

admittedly, maybe firing remy wasn't the best way to go, given remy immediately demands to know why, what they did wrong, even asking if roman's being blackmailed into this

"blink once for yes, twice for no" remy asks, lowering the sunglasses they always have on to look directly at roman's eyes

roman doesn't blink for a full minute. he might not be breathing for that minute either. has he ever seen remy's eyes this close? has he ever seen them at all? they're such a brilliant shade of brown. roman could drown in them. he might be already

roman's pretty sure he started this conversation standing up, but maybe not, because when he finally blinks and remembers things outside of remy's eyes exist he's sitting down and remy looks extremely concerned

"okay... what's wrong, hun?" they ask, and oh no, they look so sad, and worried, and that's not good, roman should fix that right now, regardless of whatever he was doing before (he's forgotten)

"im gay" he responds intelligently. this will fix everything

remy, however, just looks confused. "yes?"

"for you" roman adds, helpfully, sure that Now remy will understand they're just really very pretty and nothing's wrong and if they feel bad still they should look in a mirror because then they'll be good again

now it's remy's turn to sit in silence, expression frozen in one of shock. they still havent put their sunglasses back on, so roman doesnt mind, bc this gives him more time to stare at remy's eyes

"you're having a breakdown because you're gay for me???" remy finally asks, expression unfreezing to look incredulous and a little hurt

roman returns a similar look. "im not having a breakdown!"

remy scoffs. "yeah, sure, right, that's why you suddenly froze and completely stopped breathing and minorly collapsed after i... look off my shades to look at you..." they suddenly break out in a smirk. "oh my gods, you're a gay disaster"

roman doesn't try to deny it, especially with the knowledge he apparently did stop breathing to admire remy's eyes. they have a point

"how long?"

"since that date you hijacked after i got stood up" roman admits. he finds it extraordinarily rude when remy starts laughing

...until they're pulling out their phone, hurriedly opening up the exact same dating app roman had been using, showing a log of all the dates they had planned- there's only one marked as having actually been attended

same date time and place of the one where roman had assumed he had been stood up

"you broke my heart!" roman says as remy puts away their phone, over-dramatically, not actually giving a damn, just feeling gay and a bit giddy at the thought remy hadnt gone to any of the other dates, just theirs

no longer worried quite as much about roman for the moment, remy's smirk just grows, smoothly moving from being crouched in front of roman to being set firmly in his lap, lazily brushing hair out of his eyes and wow was remy always this warm? and stunning? and perfect?

"i dunno babe... sounds more like i stole it" remy teases, movin from playing with roman's hair to cuppin his cheek, leaning in close and not even bothering to pretend to be looking at anything other than roman's lips. "which, yeah, bad bodyguard etiquette... i hope you can forgive me..."

roman doesn't need his words to answer that tease

#oops this got long ':) i got distracted by the gays... happy pride month djhbvcfjds #fanfic #creativisleep #ts roman #ts remy #nb!remy #the cryptid speaks #meri #yeah roman just. has an all out gay panic disaster moment right there #poor man 😔#also my characters keep ending up kissin in each other's laps can y'all tell im a touchstarved gay yet /hj

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matchasprouts · 3 years

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Listen Closer - Chapter 2

[ your honour, i simply love him. also this may become my focus for a while so idk if The Walls and Ashes will keep getting semi-regular updates ]

First || Next || Previous || Last

“Do you ever think about making traps that aren’t iron maidens?” Amanda asked, looking up from her own work to watch Garrett attach a chain to a literal iron maiden.

Garrett glanced at her before scoffing and placing the collar on the chain down on the ground as he went around to the back of the maiden to check the pulley the chain was attached to. “I think about plenty of traps. Iron maidens are just my favourite. Would you rather I-”

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Amanda cut him off, already knowing he was about to spew some shit on medieval torture methods. “I was just curious. I mean, they work, so I’m not complaining. And it keeps you busy.”

Right. Because if he wasn’t building or designing a trap he was writing, and that would be falling back on what he was trying to unlearn.

When he went to respond, he was cut off yet again by his phone ringing. He answered it almost immediately, since the only people with that number were his Jigsaw associates. “Yeah?” he greeted, tucking the phone under his ear as he got back to work.

“Garrett. I am in the car, outside. I need your help,” came the voice of John through the phone, the way he spoke making Garrett chuckle to himself. “Be prepared to carry a person.” Oh! There was no scheduled game for today?

Garrett once again tried to reply, just for John to hang up. He let out an annoyed groan, but flipped the phone shut and tossed it on the table. “Don’t touch my trap,” he told Amanda, before pulling down his sleeves and jogging outside to help John.

He was ninety percent sure he heard her fucking with his trap as soon as he left.

---

“Who in the FUCK is this guy?” Garrett asked, struggling slightly to keep John’s newest victim standing, his limp body leaning heavily into him. Garrett was the strongest of the three of them, sure, and the second tallest but this guy was HUGE. He had to be at least 6’0, and carrying him was like carrying a brick wall.

John glanced at him, a vague amusement in his eyes but a neutral look on his face. “That, Garrett, is Detective Mark Hoffman. Normally I don’t go after cops if I had no evidence that they’re dirty, but he attempted to frame us, and I cannot tolerate that. Getting caught myself doesn’t matter. Keeping you and Amanda safe does.”

Aww, murder dad moments. Better than the dad Garrett used to have. “Right,” he let out a huff, readjusting Mark as he dragged him through the room, FINALLY dropping him into a chair in the middle of the workshop. “No wonder he’s a detective, the man’s a fucking giant.”

He stood in front of the still passed out detective, giving him a proper look over. He was big, like he’d already said, with short dark brown hair that had looked black outside. He had surprisingly well formed lips for a presumably cis white guy, and Garrett surprised himself with the thought that they looked awfully biteable.

Ah, there’s his gay instinct. He’d been wondering where it had gone, since it hadn’t fucked him over when he’d met that Adam Faulkner guy- who was definitely cute, but also now haunting him, which kind of ruins the appeal.

Moving on from that, Hoffman also had a little bit of scruff on his jaw, which Garrett quickly realized was what he’d felt on his temple while he was carrying him to the chair.

His little inspection was cut short when John began setting up the trap, strapping Hoffman to the chair with a shotgun strapped to his chest, the barrel directly under his chin.

“That doesn’t look very escapable,” Garrett joked, sending a short look to Amanda, who immediately looked away, at least having the decency to be embarrassed about her rigged traps.

“You would be surprised what human beings will do to escape entrapment,” John replied simply. “But this one is not built for him to escape from on his own. I’m going to make him an offer.”

He looked at his two apprentices, gesturing for Amanda to come over to them. “I want both of you to keep working on your games tonight, out of the warehouse. I know much about the detective, but not everything. I’m not going to risk him lashing out.”

Of course. John Kramer was nothing if not protective of his apprentices. Theoretically, Hoffman would fall into this category when the night was over. “Well, my iron maiden’s done,” Garrett said, glancing back at his newest device. “My game could take place soon, if not tomorrow. I know where the player will be.”

John nodded at this. “Good. Run your game then. If all goes as planned tonight, it will be good for our newest recruit to see one of you in action. Maybe he’ll learn something. Now go, both of you.”

Usually, Amanda argued when he dismissed her, but apparently she could see that he was serious, and simply packed her things and left. Garrett looked at Hoffman one last time before doing the same.

He could hear Hoffman begin to stir as he stepped out the door, and he found himself hoping that everything would go smoothly tonight.

Gay ass.

---

“Man, just carrying bodies is giving me a work-out,” Garrett muttered under his breath as he readjusted the woman slung over his shoulder, finally lowering her to the ground of the room her game would be taking place in.

As much as he wanted to do one of those big, multi-room games he’d seen John put on, he just didn’t have enough experience for those yet. So, it was a single room, with a single trap. Since it was small, he’d chosen someone with a small offense.

He’d even gotten to record the tape himself.

The collar let out a satisfying click as he fixed it onto the player’s neck, humming a soft tune as he gave it a tug to ensure it was one correctly.

There was a key for her to get in the middle of the room, just barely out of reach of the chain. She’d really have to get creative with getting to it. He checked the chain itself as well, ensuring it wouldn’t break off. He finished his check-up with a look at the hinges on the doors of the iron maiden, and the pulley attached to the chain.

The player was starting to stir, so he placed the tape recorder next to her and took his chance to leave. After all, if she survived, he really needed her to not see his face.

Soon enough, he took his place in the camera room, leaning back in his chair and propping his feet up on the desk.

“Do you always watch your games like that?” he heard someone speak up, looking to the door that Hoffman had just come through. He tilted his head at the detective, before grinning at him.

“Sure do,” Garrett replied, turning back to the screens. “Well, I would, if this wasn’t my first game. Usually I’m tinkering with something while John’s games are running.”

The player had woken up by then, clicking the tape on and cutting off the conversation.

“Hello Cara. I want to play a game,” the tape said, the voice making Garrett smile. It had been hard work getting his distorted voice to sound similar enough to the original Jigsaw’s. “For years you have kept yourself in a closet of your own creation in order to help others rise above you, allowing them to steal your work.”

“Well, unless you want that closet to become your death, you will rise above that today. Before you is a box, and inside it is the key to your freedom. You will have to work to get it. You have ten minutes. If you do not get to the key in time, the closet behind you will become your coffin. Live or die, Cara. Make your choice.”

The tape clicked off after that, and Cara did exactly what Garrett guessed she would- run straight for the box and find out the hard way that the chain was just barely short of the required length to grab it.

“This is usually the part where they start screaming for help and panicking. I gave her ten minutes because I knew she would, and that’s when a lot of people tend to die. I wanted to give her a fair chance.”

That almost seemed nice, but it was a lie. Garrett liked watching them thrash around and panic. The more time they had alive, the more time they could slowly go insane.

Hoffman had moved closer at some point, now sitting next to him in a chair that he’d pulled over to the desk. This was the first time Garrett had seen him since last night, so he finally got a chance to look at his eyes.

For someone who wasn’t a fan of blue eyes, Garrett thought Hoffman’s were gorgeous. He very, very quickly looked away, turning his attention back to his game.

“Did you build the iron maiden yourself?” Hoffman asked, and Garrett scoffed at the question.

“No, unfortunately. I didn’t have enough time to build one from the ground up,” he answered with a soft, disappointed sigh. “I found most of it from a collector that built replicas of medieval shit, but never got around to completing it. I finished it off, added the extras.”

Hoffman gave a hum of acknowledgement, his gaze glued to the screen in front of them. “How is this supposed to help her? How did it even help you?” There it was. Since Hoffman hadn’t gone through a real game, he didn’t feel the same as Garrett and Amanda. He didn’t understand it like they did.

Garrett readjusted himself in his chair, tilting his head at the screen. “I don’t want to tear every person I see to shreds anymore,” he offered with a shrug. “I don’t feel like screaming for hours on end until my throat bleeds. I’d say it worked pretty well on me. Sometimes you just need that kind of release.”

“For her, she’s supposed to learn her worth. She’s not just the sum of what she can do for others, what’s more important is what she can do for herself. And she needs to figure that out. I don’t want her to die. Why would I? That’s not the point.”

He didn’t notice Hoffman turning to look at him while he spoke, so he almost flinched when he glanced over and made eye contact with him. They held each other’s gazes for a moment, before they both looked back to the screen.

Cara really was trying to get that box, having now resorted to removing her belt and attempting to loop it around the box. It took a few tries, but she finally got a grip on the box and pulled it over to herself.

She scrambled to open it, and Garrett glanced at the timer.

Eight seconds.

“She’s not going to make it,” he realized aloud. He hadn’t even noticed how quickly time was passing, but he didn’t feel anything when the timer went off, or when Cara screamed as the chain yanked back, dragging her into the iron maiden.

Her screams became wet and gurgled when the doors of the maiden closed on her. Blood seeped out of the cracks at the bottom of the door. He just stared at the screen.

“Huh. Maybe ten minutes wasn’t enough time. Shame. I was really looking forward to seeing her get better.” With that, he stood up, turned off the screen, and headed back to the room to leave the iconic jigsaw piece in her skin. Hoffman followed, and watched him do it. “Most important part, if they die,” Garrett told him as he cut the skin with a scalpel John had given him, closing the door again when he was done.

And then he turned to Hoffman, his head tilted to the side in a curious motion. “Will you be the detective on the case? I suppose this will be your first test of loyalty, hm? I’d hate to kill you. You’re very pretty.”

He gave Hoffman a pat on the shoulder as he left the room, leaving him to think on what he’d said. It wasn’t a threat, but it was clear that he would kill him if needed. But he genuinely did not want to.

A smile formed when he heard Hoffman follow him out of the room. It was nice to have another apprentice, and it was looking like they’d get along.

#story tag: listen closer #self ship fic #self shipping #self insert #scrap.writing #scrap.ships #romantic: ⛓🕵️‍♂️#s/i: garrett whitlock #mark hoffman #chapter 2

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incarnateirony · 5 years

Text

Terms and Conditioning and Meanings

Okay, so it’s something a lot of people heard me bang on about several times over the last few years, but recently I found a thread (x) by yet another lit professor -- this one in another fandom.

I’m sure some people will choose to reactively and malignly pick at parts of what they say without reading the heart of their body of work, in a blazing display of self-blind irony, but well-- I went off on my usual tear I go on ‘round these parts and unsurprisingly they went through and liked every single one while QTing other Typical Fandom Asshats to shoot them down, so let’s roll here.

I’ll start with the TLDR edition but then break down the actual content behind a cut -- because this? This is something this fandom DESPERATELY NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCES OF, and how they DO and DON’T relate.

CODING = CONSCIOUS CHOICE OF CONSTRUCTION BY AUTHOR SUBTEXT = THEMATIC RESONANCE THROUGH MOST OF OR THE ENTIRE WORK THAT EMBOLDENS THE TALE INTERPRETATION = LITERALLY WHATEVER YOU WANT BUT STRONGER IF YOU KNOW WHAT THE OTHER 2 ARE AND WHERE THEY ARE. THANKS KIDS DEATH OF THE AUTHOR = NOT AN EXCUSE FOR EIGHTH-ASSED READINGS CANON = WHAT EXISTS WITHIN A WORK, OR AN AGREED UPON BODY OF ACCEPTED WORKS (episodes, books, etc not part of the ecclesiastical body) NO, it is not a MAGIC WORD for “NOW THEY KISSED” and there are MANY FORMS OF WHAT IS CANON WITHIN AN ACCEPTED BODY OF WORK. QUEERBAIT = VERY FEW OF THESE THINGS AND YET CAN BE ALL OF THESE THINGS AND THIS IS THE MOST BUSTED WORD Y’ALL HAVE FUCKING RUINED.

(Edit: I saw someone reblog this with “really aggressive in an offputting way” before a tag of “but I agree” so I’ma put this out here: Yeah. It fucking is. Because this fandom is fucking exhausting. And I am tired. Of having to fucking repeat things. That are literal common sense. In a fandom that insists on flushing common sense. Of otherwise intelligent people sending themselves into destructive spirals. Of even friends losing friends to people sliding off into bitter pits these problems lead to. So if you’re someone that favors common sense, maybe you actually should feel this frustration in your soul. The lit folks reblogging this with commentary so far seem to.)

To quote the linked OP and give credit where credit is due for resparking this conversation in my mind and realizing I haven’t said this for a long time and new followers may not know, even if this is familiar to like 90% of people who follow me -- but I feel they touched aptly on parts I haven’t even really done more than brush over.

queer-coding is quite sinister in a lot of ways (though can be employed subversively to great effect) but also very interesting! studies have shown that children who like or identify with queer-coded villains are more likely to be lgbt, even if they don't realise what's going on.

during the hays era it was mostly a way to show that a villain was bad (because gay = evil), but it could also be a way for closeted queer creators to sneak lgbt representation into their work, which is why so many queer-coded villains are so damn *likeable*.

what's also interesting is that lgbt creators would sometimes explicitly *straight-code* their villains - gaston from disney's beauty and the beast is a great example of this. highly recommend that you read up on the story of his creation!

all of which is to say: queer-coding has a meaning, it's not the same as queer-*baiting*, and it DEFINITELY isn't the same as "I'm gonna read this character as gay because I wanna imagine him as gay" - the name for that is fanon, and some trek fans

there are lots of academic works on the history of queer-coding if you want to spend an afternoon down a google scholar rabbit hole! just, you know. terms have meanings.

that's the thing. coding literally is intentional. what you're talking about is an alternate or resistant reading, or a world-context-centred critical approach.

you're right that it's got nothing to do with representation, but unlike semiotics, which is text-centred but may or may not rely on reading into intentional authorial choices, queer-coding refers specifically to an authorial choice. it's a defined term.

I didn't just take AP and honours english. I *taught* AP and honours english. for y e a r s.

--by @jaythenerdkid who I just accidentally found the tumblr of by preparing to make a twitter link but I checked and it’s the same person.

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Okay so let’s pick through this a little bit before people start spinning this up in their heads.

TO START: QUEER CODING

I’ve seen people say “This character has villain attributes or dark attributes ergo he is queer coded.” That is absolutely not the way to apply this history, this works in reverse. As handled here, villains were either malignly codified to make queer characters evil and/or were then used as a slip-in of representation. A villain being a villain is not in fact itself an actual queer coding point. A dark history is not itself a queer coding point. Addiction stories are not themselves a queer coding point. In fact, trying to apply itself in this order is like BLAZINGLY homophobic and gross as hell and if you’re doing this, you should stop now. Yes, I’ve seen this.

I fucking promise you Gaston wasn’t consciously “queer coded” in being a villain, being a villain does not give him a Magic Gay Point.

Are we good on that point? Have we figured out the direction these Magic Gay Points fly in and don’t? Cool. If the author consciously added elements that will harmonize with a straight audience as queer to make them seem bad, that’s malignant queer coding; if an author consciously added elements that will harmonize with a queer audience to make them somehow familiar or likable, that is subversive queer coding.

An example of subversive queer coding: In the Legend of Korra, the creators had limitations on what the network would allow them to do. Later, they confirmed their intent was a WLW couple being portrayed at the end, but it hovers in the area of a hand hold that people can unfortunately choose to negotiate away into bestest friends despite all the other story flags for them along the way.

People have/can/will call queerbait about this. In this case, this is not queerbait. This is attempted representation to bypass restrictions and is not malign, but are authors doing their best to give their queer audience something, anything, in the case of it. Yes, it was post-air acknowledgment but it was what they were goddamn trying to give us gays out here. It’s not hiding their gays on the creator’s part -- it’s hiding their gays on the network’s part -- WHICH IS A STEP A LOT OF PEOPLE GET VERY CONFUSED ABOUT.

Hell, just because *one* show or property on a specific channel even allows X Amount Of Gay in it doesn’t even mean they’ll allow their other properties that amount of gay every time, and can and WILL step in and block creators. It happens even on premium networks like HBO or Starz. Because they have their ideas of what the demographic they dump a bunch of marketing money into is okay with, half-educated and half massive fiery balls of projection from whatever old white dude is reviewing the data. So no, never just bank on “well X network made the Gay Bar exactly This Tall To Ride here so all their other shows can be Exactly This Gay.” -- you do that, you’re gonna set yourself up for a FUCKTON of disappointment.

Hell, LGBT aren’t even treated equally to other LGBT. Bi men have like 1/3 the representation of bi women because media is held in a largely male gaze corporately and well, bi women are sexy to straight guys, give them some of that lesbian action. But oh, nono, don’t put the bi dudes near their network, no homo. If you drape a rainbow boa on this lamp post though we’ll let you have a gay guy run around that is there to make other characters uncomfortable as a stereotype, that’s fine. LITERALLY do *NOT* simply assume for *ANY REASON* that because one kind of LGBT person cleared on one show that others will too, there’s so many ways that drops through the floor.

That small aside about network bullshittery handled, let’s get back to the terms.

Negative queer coding I can think of with things like, I dunno. Jafar. Honestly very few LGBT people will actively associate with most of these attributes because a great wealth of them are attributes in the eyes of straight creators villainizing gay people, rather than gay people making gay people that just happen to be villains, and this distinction *DOES MATTER.* The long, snaky body -- the coy, venomous tone, embellished gestures; I mean sure, some people are like that, and that’s fine, you be you, but it’s a stereotype most try to shed rather than play into. It’s not the sum of who we are but put into the wrong creator’s hands, they *make* that the perceivable sum of who we are, + villainy.

But queer coding CAN be suggestively used to paint positive role models in situations they can’t necessarily be written as Overtly Gay, and the list of those reasons is unfortunately Very Long. But they are always things that are active choice, and your interpretation of what is Active Choice is not the same as Proven Active Choice.

For example: “The wallpaper was green and blue in this scene so Dean is thinking of Castiel even if he isn’t saying it.” Okay. We’re gonna go to Subtext and Interpretation later, but summarily: no. Hell, maybe it even is, but that’s a huge vault you actually have to exorbitantly prove and you can’t just say “but movie lighting theory” because I promise Dean = Green Cas = Blue isn’t general lighting theory.

An alternate example: “Bobo Berens, the first LGBT author on Supernatural, affirmed that Castiel was written in place of Colette, Cain’s wife, in Dean’s mirrored life; this is recurring symbolism and reflects often in Beren’s work, wherein his first episode showrunner Carver opted them to act as jilted lovers, and made a vast wash of content involving bold partnership ideals such as ‘at the altar’, ‘secret admirer’, and more that mysteriously hit the cutting room floor, but resonates very loudly through several directly connected seasons and all future work by Berens such as classic romantic partnership gifts and ideas [mixtape, heart connect, etc].”

This is simultaneously coding and subtext. We could frankly make 200 page dissertations about this chain of text -- and most of us already have -- that doesn’t require loudly extrapolating interpretation of external elements or single unrelated lines.

“But subtext is just QUEERBAIT. It’s JUST SUBTEXT, it’s NOT CANON.”

Okay honey let me stop you right there. This is like the most common bad hot take in this fucking fandom. Like every part of it is bad but everybody kind of strings it together into one big Ball of Bad.

Subtext is, summarily, a hidden body of text that is felt in the work. Beyond Who You Want To Be Gay, subtext is a lot of things. Subtext is the value of humanity above all powers and principalities, in Supernatural. And there’s all kinds of other subtext. Whenever you see someone blink and have black eyes in SPN without them saying “I’m a demon” and you know they’re a demon, that’s... kind of subtext too. I mean, we know textually demons have black eyes, but nothing ever said only demons have black eyes. So what if I wanted to say it’s the ghost of big bird? It’s MY INTERPRETATION and MY INTERPRETATION IS VALID TOO.

Shit you can even cobble together half assed unrelated extrapolations--some demons have yellow eyes and Jack had yellow eyes so he wasn’t a demon so clearly not all black eyes are demons and uh... the angel blade kills lots of things, that black eyed thing still wasn’t a demon.

See how easy it is to absolutely BULLSHIT around it with decontextualized BULLSHIT? It almost passes at a glance until held up to the smallest bit of scrutiny and following episodes.

Okay, so look, “It’s my interpretation, and my interpretation is valid” is only as far as it holds up soundly to *you.* As long as it is truly valid to *you.* And that doesn’t mean big brave faces you put on For The Twitter Stan Wars because you don’t want to lose digital clout when the newest episode falls through and blows your entire house of cards out of the water because you weren’t reading the actual subtext being hewn into the story by the authors -- or even forming a resilient resistant read of your own subtext that can hold -- but once that interpretation leaves your mouth to try to bounce off of other people’s viewpoints, you’re now indirectly challenging their viewpoint with theirs. If you stay in your cabal where you think the spirit of big bird has black eyes, and never subtweet or @ or whatever anybody else about this Hot Take, that’s fine, just don’t be surprised when you’re left defending that to whatever followers you pulled into the Big Bird Cabal.

Or you all sit in angry silence with each other and then start helicopter swinging at the writers for ruining The Spirit Of Big Bird that was never fucking there. Because you’re trying to apply patchy, unstable, and generally very piss poorly founded readings to a still released work.

So THAT lead in shoved off to the side about interpretation and keeping your interpretation to yourself if you don’t want to be challenged by far more solid interpretations, Because that’s how content discussion works,

SUBTEXT IS OFTEN A FORMULATIVE PART OF CANON, ESPECIALLY IF IT IS CODED, WHETHER WE ARE TALKING QUEER CODING OR ANY OTHER KIND OF CODING.

Subtext is a thematic undercurrent. Subtext is the unspoken soul of a piece, what lies in the blank space between the lines, but not just whatever you take the lines to be. If you sit down and write a lit paper, you’re gonna have to explain where you pulled your subtext out of.

You can either go the “Death of the Author” route where you summarily erase any commentary ever made and build your own, but you still need to be able to read the sum of the text and present what it all is. And most importantly you can’t just present what it’s not. If your entire reading of a work is trying to explain away common sense bullshit and it ends up reading like All Work No Play Makes Johnny Dull Boy because you had to build 82 nonlinear explanations around what you don’t want, and those all lead to nowhere, that professor is going to flunk the shit out of you. And if you use Death of an Author DEFINITELY don’t simultaneously try to appeal to authority with other quotes convenient to you.

Not Wanting something to Be So and going completely over the river and through the woods in completely disjointed intentionally maladapted readings of refusal doesn’t mean you’ve found subtext, it means you’ve chosen to make a reading -- an interpretation -- that is not really thematically sound with the body of work but for whatever reason, you’ve chosen to make that the meaning it has to *you.* And that’s fine. Unless you’re trying to impress a professor. Or jousting your opinion off of somebody else that isn’t doing cartwheels around the content to avoid the parts they don’t like (and get mad about it later.)

Removing all genuine thematic subtext and disregarding it from any part of the canon discussion of a piece is, however, devastating and essentially rips out the foundation of a piece. This has become all the more common as junk TV gets junkier and continues to appeal to the lowest common denominator that need to be reminded that 2+2=4 every three episodes before they accept that 2+2=4 in their respective canon universe, because otherwise they’ll claim it’s just subtext or someone else’s opinion that it equals 4.

And that’s not what these words mean and I am left eternally climbing up walls, because in this fandom, like... subtext, interpretation, coding, queerbait have all become one amorphous blob that just gets hurled around like four stuck together balls of Gak at a grade school party and just seeing where they splatter.

It is entirely possible for content to be subtextual and canon, if it is thematically resonant with the piece and a loud and fundamental part of its storytelling that it can not operate without acknowledging. Discussion of queer content aside, there’s a lot of shit this applies to. There’s a certain sense of good faith most authors put in their readers/viewers/whatever that people will have an fundamental understanding of the spirit of a work they’re conveying. This good faith amount varies depending on their projected demographic, but let me assure you, if your respective creator essentially has the characters stop and do “today I learned” narratives, or interruption explanation inserts over everything, there’s one of two reasons: 1. It’s a literal parody/comedy 2. It’s either geared for kids or they think you’re all fucking idiots.

As I don’t tend to watch parody, comedy, or kid shows, I tend to favor shows that don’t feel the need to handhold me through every instance of the show. Because I am not nor do I appreciate being treated like an idiot.

Subtext is a valuable part of canon as long as we are talking by virtue of “coding” not “random unfounded interpretation.”

Now, to the topic of queer coding, is it fundamentally gratifying to our primitive lizard brain survival instinct if we see characters kiss or whatever your personal landmark for gratification is? I mean, sure. Does the romance leading up to the kiss absolutely not matter at all until the kiss, or was that early state of subtext, dance, and non-consummation itself a valid romantic journey?

Because honestly this is something I feel current LGBT dialogue is missing. We’re so wounded from being caught in the subtext veil that we want confirmation, but everybody wants to skip the journey to the sweet stuff. I’m not saying every story needs to be a years long slow burn, but y’all. You know how we talk about het romance being boring as fuck because it’s like “dude/chick look at each other and they fuck and now they’re insufferable, hahahah is this what het culture is like is this what they call romance what kind of standards--”? Yeah, we’re rapidly snowplowing towards that.

I’m also not saying quick confirmation is bad either. There’s shows and stories where even pre-confirmed LGBT couples are GREAT to see, just existing in the population. Not every story needs to be THE grand romance, or THE great coming out adventure, some can have already had their adventures just like the Totally Het Neighbors Next Door and that’s... fine. That’s great, even.

But we are approaching Absolute Bottom Barrel Trash Content at terminal velocity, mostly just being exploited and monetized by corporations that are virtue signaling us to give at best sub-par turnout. The amount of currently airing shows with quality queer content can probably be counted on your two hands.QED there’s hundreds of shows, thousands depending on which networks you’re counting in your numbers. Off the top of my head, Legends of Tomorrow has a fabulously queer cast that Just Is without being defined only by having a partner nor being a rainbow lamp with a sticky note of plot directions.

But we are also signaling creators that it’s no longer safe *to* give us gradual, slow burns, or genuine romance either. And we’re ALSO signaling creators -- INCLUDING QUEER CREATORS -- that it is no longer safe to make subtextual or coded content.

“Well good!” you probably say.

NO, THIS IS BAD, THIS IS REALLY, REALLY BAD.

Because while you may live in a fantasy universe where X Network had Y show exactly This Gay To Ride, it’s in blatant disregard of inconsistent landmarks and limbo sticks different shows, creators, and products have to go through, and some people in some shows are trying REALLY REALLY HARD to give you resonant queer content and you’re just shitting all over them and yelling that it’s queerbait.

I mean, queerbait is the idea that someone is giving queer content without intent to follow through and generally to exploit a queer audience. The problem is, all queerbait accusations are launched in default bad faith. Some of that bad faith is earned. Some of it is not. Sometimes there’s a lesbian with a network executive breathing down her neck that just wants to let her girls be together so she has them hold hands, even if she knows The Straights will talk it away as best friends, no matter how many canonically romantic storylines they’ve wedged into the subtext through loudly recognizable tropes.

Queerbait is a VERY DANGEROUS CARD and MUST BE USED WITH EXTREME CAUTION. Because depending on the longevity of what you’re crowing about, without understanding of what’s going on beyond the production veil, you can very easily even get creatives and creators hard shut down on a network level for wanting to protect the product. I’m sure you think “make it gay!” is the one answer to that, but no, it isn’t always, not depending on what the old white guy network exec I mentioned a while ago has in his papers about what or who he interprets pulls his income and what they like via demographics or inconsistent marketing test groups.

That’s not to say never call out queerbait, but the internet desperately needs to be more conscious about when and where they fling it around. What if Korra fans started horrifically screeching about queerbait and blasting it all over the internet and @’ing production or even network people and making devoted articles to make it a shitshow that even hit GA impact zones? Do you really think Nickelodeon would look at their demographic paperwork and throw it in the air and go “Oh! Well we make it gay then.”

Or do you think they’d have left a hard feedback note to further divide those characters with a strong warning about limits and restrictions.

We are slowly moving out of the area of things like queer coded villains and have more migrated into an area of subversive queer coding, but a great deal of subversive queer coding has people lose their SHIT because Some Idiot On The Internet With A Shitty Take And Quarter Assed Interpretation told them “it’s just subtext so it’s not valid until they kiss”, setting out this roving goalpost everybody keeps running after like a goddamn donkey chasing a carrot on a stick, and in some cases completely unable to be reached, despite the LITERAL BEST INTENTION of the authors.

I’ve heard “well if they can’t Bring It All The Way, they shouldn’t at all.” What the FUCK? What kind of UNBEARABLY STRAIGHT WASHED WORLD do you want to live in? What kind of world do you think we’re living in right now? I regret to inform you, Trump got elected to office somehow and reversed a lot of LGBT protections somehow and it’s not just “because Russia,” it’s because there’s still a SHITTON of assholes out there that make corporations that bankroll TV SHITTONS of money and whether we like it or not, TV is a BUSINESS and we’re all DOLLAR SIGNS.

Stripping subversive queer coding, especially from the hands of queer authors, sets us back into a weird offset of primitive ages and extremized content, where the latter becomes poorly packaged lesbians dropped as a marketing plan to upsell Trendy New Teen Show without daring to rattle the middle aged demographic of a split political demographic in another show. No. Absolutely fucking not. Use some responsibility and apply some critical thinking before yelling queerbait and figure out where a problem is in any given situation, that’s all I fucking ask.

Hell for all you know those queer creators could be pitching it again and again behind the scenes, or baited on that side with maybes, or being stalled out by being told to wait for test marketing groups, and generally tugged around on their own leash where corporate is summarily watching the feedback to the blatant but subtextual and coded queer content.

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Now, ALL OF THIS becomes a fucking mess in discussion when people don’t box off these definitions and issues.

If people don’t realize the value of subtext to canon,

And people don’t understand the difference between coding and interpretation,

And people confuse queerbait with any of this,

You end up with some giant VAT of literally EVERYBODY sounding like dipshits because Anti A told Shipper B who loves queer author C and relationship D that It’s Just Subtext, and then Shipper B turns around and yells ITS NOT CANON YOU’RE IDIOTS FOR LOVING IT in their pained bitterness, but then Anti A brings Anti B back and they decide they optically prefer relationship Z that has no actual coding or subtext, but they’ve strapped together their own interpretation, but they confuse interpretation and subtext, and break out all interpretations are equal even if they are not in the body of the actual canon work, but now everybody is yelling it’s not canon because nobody even fucking knows what any of these words mean anymore, and then Shippers A-Z turn around and start yelling queerbait at a gay author just trying to write his little gay heart out-- you see the problem, right?

On the other hand, there’s fandoms where people confuse these same points and think their uncorroborated interpretation is subtext simply because they chose to interpret it that way, and with enough voices drawn into it in the vat of “all interpretations are equal”, turn around and yell queerbait at authors who are scratching their heads going “the fuck are you on about”

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Other bad takes: The opinions of actors really don’t fucking matter. I don’t care if they’re pro-relationship or anti-relationship or just pro/anti any idea other than a relationship. This is like taking the opinion of some dude who played Hamlet an eternity ago for Shakespeare while Shakespeare was still alive and writing about what Shakespeare’s writing meant. His opinion may be meaningful to him, but it is his own interpretation. If Shakespeare wrote Hamlet The Sequel the actor could turn out entirely wrong about what he was babbling about.

Actors are just interpreting the art to screen like you are. Acting is an interpretive art. They’re just. Interpreting. Just like you. So stop whipping out statements of actors against each other. You might as well be quoting jared-uwu-cest.tumblr dot com as an authority for your bad fucking take. Stop it. If actors on the same set have conflicting opinions and are just talking about their opinion, their opinion doesn’t mean shit more than any other fan of the source content, unless they are hand delivering statements, cited, from specific authors they’ve communicated with about the work they’re interpreting from (coming to mind, the time Jensen Ackles went to showrunner Jeremy Carver confused about the romance with Amara feeling right, only to tell us that Jeremy Carver told us that Amara wasn’t his romance, she was his kryptonite).

Now if you’re choosing death of the author NONE of this is relevant, obviously, because you shouldn’t be citing ANY of this, because then you’re just playing to discussion points for convenience. But if you are looking for actual intent, the actor’s interpretation is only as valid as any other dedicated interpretation, albeit possibly more or less sounded in awareness of the text, but is otherwise only as valuable for how direct of a voice box they are being for what authors said about specific scenes. Hell, most things are filmed out of order and many actors don’t watch the whole piece. It already consumes their work life, it won’t consume their home life, no matter how much they love it, they haven’t reviewed the full body of the piece externally as a finished product, just processed emotions out of sequence.

THERE WAS A NEW AVENGER THAT DIDNT EVEN REALIZE HE WAS ACTING A NEW AVENGER UNTIL HE TOOK HIS KIDS TO THE MOVIES AND WAS LIKE “OH SHIT I’M AN AVENGER.” Stop BANKING on actor statements.

This also gets more complicated in group writing projects such as TV shows with multiple authors. And MORE complicated explaining that complication to fandom when they get positive statements from the creator of a show who is the *only* author and then turn around and yell “WHY DIDN’T [OTHER FANDOM]” do that when like, IDK, 6/40 authors have over the course of however long it’s been written on, most have been radio silent and one other had a different opinion and then you just expect some group borg rising of everybody who’s ever written on the show to come and hand deliver you individual hand-fed statements about what they meant.

This entire thing also foregoes the import of directors and how they work with their set dressers as part of the creative process; they’re what manifest the text into a visual medium of the story, which may or may not be identical to the author’s intent. Again, to hearken back to Supernatural as my root fandom here, it’s been mentioned Sgriccia knew how to work with everyone and get what they were meaning to convey with how long he worked on set, so generally, authors and Sgriccia cooperated really well in a full art. Whereas that nightmare of an episode Don’t Go In The Woods was directed by a VFX guy as his first directing experience and we could see he barely knew how to work with actors much less the spirit of the text; he just had great understanding of environment.

These things, these opinions, these takes also matter. Because TV is a different form. I generally don’t see people arguing Pride & Prejudice on twitter, it’s usually TV/movies. Lit theory is incredibly valid for understanding the pace and flow of a body of work but you also have to understand what authors are deeply plugged into that, what directors are deeply plugged in, who’s an experimental folly they’ll patch up the work of afterward, it’s not the same as just reading a novel by one author or, at most, a few co authors in immediate harmony.

Like I don’t know if people think I did my Crazy Pagan Magic to come up with the season 14 ending like I had a pages-long rant reel of direct quotes and shots that literally predicted that Jack was going to lose his soul, become faux-god, and Dean was going to be given an ultimatum of shooting him, probably after killing Mary, because getting the yellow eyed thing was the point right--but that the true scarlet letterman wasn’t their lost child, but the absent father. The Great Father who left all questions--the god of control. But dad told you to put a bullet in me, and you didn’t.

Like, anyone remember me spouting literally all of these things across different posts? It’s not magic. So while Christians in fandom are turning themselves into pretzels making shitbrained theories trying to explain why it Wasn’t Really Chuck Or Chuck Isn’t Really God, I’ve got a few hundred pages of thesises here talking about this being exactly where they were going because of SUBTEXT. Because it’s PART OF THE CANON AND BUILDING THE FUNDAMENTAL STORY.

If it comes to a textual head like Chuck, great. But people have to recognize whatever landmark they set for what they consider a textual head is entirely subject to the creators or, worse, a network. The same way in season 11 they got told they couldn’t kill God, here we go on take 2, maybe the network changed it’s mind, we’ll find out.

These things all interplay VERY IMPORTANTLY with each other and also, this issue goes WELL BEYOND Supernatural fandom. At some point in history a bunch of people in multiple fandoms started slinging these words around without understanding them and bounced them off of more people that don’t understand them and it turns into a goddamn hot mess because nobody’s using words like they mean anymore, just vaguely beating each over the head with it, and it’s driving me i n s a n e. Hell, y’all are undermining YOURSELVES half the time by the way people have taught you to misuse words.

ALSO WRT “CANON”

Most of the above covers what canon is within the way it’s abused in fandom, but I’ve seen some people take the idea of it being accepted into a body of work by the authors as meaning like, every reading of the material needs to be acknowledged by the authors. I already detailed what it means. It’s absolutely not that. 100%. I don’t give a shit how you choose to interpret that. Because there is literally no way on planet earth an author has made a full statement confirming every detail about every part of their book and that goalpost doesn’t just magically manifest when we’re talking about, say, gay shit. Or powers you don’t like. If it’s thematically there, it’s thematically there, you can’t hackjob it out of canon just because This Specific Idea doesn’t have a Canon For Dummies statement attached to it, or worse, one attached to it specifically to your liking, since people like interpreting away ones based on their preferences rather than reason.

Similarly it doesn’t mean there’s a magic goalpost of a vagueblogged percentage of people that must accept the content for it to be canon. Hell, like half the fandom still tricked themselves into thinking there was a reaper retcon in season 9 (x) that NEVER FUCKING EXISTED IN ANY DAMN CAPACITY. Large groups of people choosing to miss the point doesn’t mean the canon didn’t hold the point, simply that they chose to draw another point out of it. Generally, in a still releasing work, that also leaves them disappointed and confused later (such as when someone claimed they retconned the nonexistent reaper retcon, because I heard you like retcons.)

There is no magic percent, no magic statement. These things are nice, but they aren’t what makes canon. Canon is the actual accepted body of work such as seasons, episodes, books, movies, or whatever else as part of the universe. (Eg: Supernatural’s novels are officially noncanonical and not part of discussion of canon content. They are not accepted into canon. That’s what this means.)

Also if you’re talking about canon quantify it. You can be as tired as you want about bad rep, but bad rep quality has nothing to do with the canon source content. You can be as tired about lowkey gayness as you want but are you saying the canon material isn’t romantic at all, or are you saying the characters aren’t consummated yet. If the canon material isn’t canonically romantic why are you yelling queerbait; or acknowledge the value of queer unconsummated canon romances even if you aspire for more, but don’t bounce that goalpost around for convenience, fuck sake.

DID U KNOW that things can be CANONICALLY ROMANTIC without being CANONICALLY CONSUMMATED? Or that even a queer author’s idea of what reads as consummated canon may not be the same as yours? Did you know that a MLM LGBT author in his 40s may have very different ideas of how to express an MLM romance than a bunch of WLW LGBT women of any age, because there’s intersectionality at play? If you don’t want bi men determining how lesbians should be represented we need to apply that all around, kids.

-----

So sure, your interpretation can be valid, for you. But once you joust others, or pin your interpretation on the show without careful exploration of the actual intentful themes, you’re gonna probably be disappointed as it releases and uproots your ideas. Now the question is if you are willing to hold mature intelligent discourse about other people’s potential interpretations and readings, or if you’re going to grapple onto your old, broken interpretation like Gollum with the Ring because it’s your precious and you’ll let it send you crawling into a moldy cave hissing at anyone happily walking by.

Is Your Interpretation worth your anger when it falls through Do you even WANT to like the show? Do you literally prefer staying angry over reviewing your take compared to people who are still happy with it? Why AREN’T you willing to figure out where you went left of canon?

And furthermore, is your anger and broken interpretation/expectations worth holding onto a damn ring/show that clearly isn’t what you thought it was, or can you toss your fiery stan rage into Mordor before you turn into a twitter goblin and find a place you can interpret differently that makes you happy?

---

Lesson: Stop being fandom goblins

Also @tinkdw

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jmeddows2 · 4 years

Text

You (Roger Taylor x fem!Reader)

This is my Halloqueen gift for @mezzomercury Happy belated Halloween! I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it on time,but here it is. I’m really nervous about it ARGHH @dtfrogertaylor Summary: Reader is an opera singer, with a chaotic manager with just the right contacts in the industry Warnings: only a bit of swearing, else we have Fred and Reader become best friends, fluff Word count: 2k+ Notes: sorry for mistakes, english is not my first language Roger is single and childless in this story! The Duck House really exists and Queen used to stay there quite frequently when recording in Montreux :)

You were supposed to get a real job with a purpose, regarding the field you were actually educated in, but Steve, your manager had quite the reputation. Especially in terms of missing dates and mixing things up, making him the chaotic mess of a man that he naturally was. As an opera singer, that’s just started out, you struggled with auditions. Steve’s lack of time management was rather poor, that sometimes he wouldn’t tell you about the most important auditions in time, or miss most of them, because they just weren’t on his radar. If it wasn’t for all the contacts in the industry Steve apparently had, you would have run for the hills ages ago. One day, when Steve waltzed into the office to your meeting, which of course he was again late to, he was restless, jumping from one foot to the other. "I have it. This is going to be IT for you.” He explained it as a project. To 'expand’ your horizon, to fill your CV with something, that would make your future opportunities skyrocket from 0 to 100. .....to stand in for the band Queen as a background singer (in case of use)...... living, food and drinks provided.... is what the contract read ...should not be opposed to beer and fun. Must be flexible and be available to fly out during the time period of recording from June 1981 - March 1982. Place: Montreux, Switzerland. The few black letters on white seemed to get even more ridiculous throughout the over 100 page contract. But also funny. Mainly ridiculous though. Being crammed up in a recording studio in Montreux, Switzerland as an "option of use” wasn’t exactly your idea of a job. Or at least not what you were aiming for at the moment. The numbers with a 5 digit payment that crested the contracts last page, made you rethink the whole deal though, much to Steve’s joy. So you agreed. Your first encounter with Freddie, Brian, John and Roger was weird. Well, not with Freddie, Brian and John. They were all kind and excited to get to know you better. Roger was another thing. He didn’t even look at you or recognize you when you all gathered in one of the temporary Queen offices, to go over all the details. He was too distracted reading through the schedule for the upcoming months. It felt more like he pretended to be interested in the schedule on his lap, while absentmindedly toying with the pen between his fingers. You later found out, that he was dealing with the aftermaths of a really ugly breakup. Montreux, Switzerland You arrived at Geneva airport on a cold January morning, approximately 7 months after your first encounter with the band. Your personal driver was already awaiting you with a sign that read your name in capital letters. He had a wide grin plastered on his face. The exclusivity didn‘t stop there though. The one hour ride from the airport straight to the recording studio in the black limousine felt more like 10 minutes. A bottle of champagne, a few snacks and the heated leather seats in the car that made you feel oh so comfortable, may have been the reason why time passed so quickly. The nervous feeling crept back into your mind, as soon as the driver dropped you off in front of the casino, in which the recording studio was located. The recording studio was situated in the basement. As you pushed the door open, there was only a friendly security guard in the foyer, checking your ID. "Hi love, are you lost?“ It was Roger. His hair was a bit shorter than the last time you‘d seen him. "Oh hi, no actually, I‘m supposed to be here. As a background singer“ The uncertain tone in your voice made it sound more like a question. "uhh, I received a call to come out here. We had a meeting a few months ago“ Roger looked confused, but not bothered by your presence at all. "Well, be my guest then“ he awkwardly shook your hand and gestured for you to make you feel comfortable. "Where are you from uhm?“ "Micaela. Born and raised in New York City“ “A NYC girl? pretty sure you’ve got some stories to tell” he teased. “I’m sure not nearly as many as you” You got right back at him. That was something Roger highly valued. The wit, someone who’s not afraid to speak up. He smiled to himself and soon after Fred, Brian and John entered the studio as well. They each greeted you warmly. Freddie was very excited to have you on board. When he wasn’t busy recording, as a fellow opera enthusiast, him and you always found something to talk about. Or it was rather having Freddie listen to all the stories you had in store, even if it was just a few. It almost felt like telling bed time stories to a child, seeing his dark, beautiful eyes light up, even at the slightest mention of words like ‘stage’, ‘orchestra’, ‘costumes’ or ‘opera’ in general. "I’m going to be honest with you, darling” Freddie said, as he took a seat beside you on the couch, while Roger was banging his drums frustratingly to the already finished guitar and bass backing track of ‘Las Parablas de Amor’ in the recording booth. "We don’t actually need your beautiful vocals here” Freddie patted your thigh gently. "You’re kidding, right? Why am I here then?” "I thought you may enjoy a little holiday out here. You know, there’s great spa resorts around town. And you could do some small assistant work, nothing hard or bad, I promise! No, I promise on Montserrat Caballé, so you really know I’m not joking” he swore. Well, you couldn’t say no now.

Out of nowhere there was a loud crash. You turned around to see Roger tossing his drum sticks across the room, nearly hitting John in the head. Roger continued to throw casette tapes around, that were properly lined up on the shelf nearby. “I’m done with this. It sounds like a cheap piece of crap.” he stormed out of the room. The boys only looked at each other, as if they were communicating through their minds on who’s turn it was now to go after Roger. "I’ll go” you volunteered, seeing as no one else made a move and what could you possibly have to lose? Except for a huge amount of payment. Ok, maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but the other boys looked quite relieved when you got up from your seat. You prepared for the worst, grabbing your coat from the hanger on the door on the way out. It was really cold outside. Roger wasn’t hard to find. He was just outside the building, a cigarette hanging from his lips and rubbing his hands up and down his arms. He certainly wasn’t clever enough to bring a jacket with him, after his dramatic, oscar worthy departure. "Hey” how exactly do you approach an angry person you don’t know, but find really attractive? "Did they send you out here?” a chuckled groan left his lips. “No, I came out here on my own. Want to talk about it?” you suggested. He offered you a cigarette, but you declined.

"Talk about what? about the crap we’ve been recording lately? It’s disco.” he grimaced a pained face. “It sounds like the music they play in gay clubs. I mean don’t get me wrong, I support everyone’s sexuallity, but not everyone’s taste in music! I’m just not made for Disco music. It’s a load of bollocks. God, now I’m just venting” he threw the cigarette on the ground, putting it out with his boots. "I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m actually an opera singer. Not really Rock 'N Roll, is it? Yet I’m here in a recording studio with one of the biggest rock bands.” "Ok you have a point. Why did you agree to do this anyway?” he was shivering, while lighting another cigarette. "Sometimes you make sacrifices for the sake of others, but only as long as you’re feeling comfortable in your own skin ” "God,I hate that you’re right.” he sighed, unable to hold the pout anymore, that was was replaced by a smile forming on his lips. "Now let’s better get back inside before you freeze to death” you gestured for the door. "Just a minute” he grabbed you gently by the arm. "Thank you” Roger hugged you tightly, nuzzling his face into your neck. The feeling of his cold cheeks in contact with your warm skin made you jump a bit. “ Now let’s go and make some disco music” he laughed, grabbing your hand. Expecting another fight and argument by Roger, Brian, Freddie and John were surprised to experiece as calm as he ever was. Stil, you decided to put the recording on hold for the day and locate back to the house, in which you all stayed. "Welcome to Duckingham Palace” when entering the house, you quickly noticed why Roger called it like that. There were hundreds of wooden duck statues situated all around the house. They were evrywhere, quite creepy, but as time passed, they became pretty much invisble to you. Believe it or not.

You all had gathered around the living room with a hot drink in hand, when John lit the fireplace, creating a cosy atmosphere. It felt like you’d known Freddie, Brian, John and Roger since forever, as you seemed to pretty much share the same or at least similiar interests and humor. "Ok now Micaela. Tell me. What’s your favorite Queen album?” John asked curiously while pouring a generous amount of rum into his hot chocolate. "Easy” Freddie answered for you. “Has to be A Day At The Races” you nodded in response. "See? we’re besties already, you guys better step your game up” Freddie threw his arm around your shoulders. Roger couldn’t stop giving you little looks while having a conversation with Brian, who as expected also wasn’t a fan of the new direction in music they were headed at. “ how did you tame the lion, darling?” Freddie chuckled into your ear. " you know..How did you get Roger to calm down so fast? I know how he can get when he’s in a mood” "The cold outside did the job actually” you tried to sound nonchalantly.

"Of course yeah, that’s also why he’s been eyeing you up, ever since we left the studio. Did something happen?” Freddie kept pressing, but in a playful way. "He never gives in so easily. Usually not even to pretty girls like you when he’s mad” Your only answer was a light blush of cheeks. At 2 am, John was the last one to go to sleep. Roger and you literally had to drag him up to his room. He was so plastered, that he didn’t even recognize his own song on the radio. Roger and you decided to sip on one last ‘good night drink’ to reward yourselves for all the hard work of tucking John into bed like a little baby. There was a silence upon you, but it wasn’t awkward at all, just relaxing. "Thank you again for today” Roger broke the silence. "Nothing worth thanking me for” "It is actually. Y'know I’m glad you’re here. You’re going to make this much more bearable for me" you snorted out with laughter, not realizing how serious he was about the words he said. "I’m being honest, love! I really fancy you and I want to get to know you better.” he was so close to you now, you could feel his warmth. "the seaside promenade is really beautiful, almost as beautiful as you.” Roger brought his hand to your hair, to brush a few strands behind your ear. "So, it’s a date then” you nervously drew a circles with your fingertips on the surface of the wooden kitchen counter, while looking into his ocean eyes. "Yeah it’s a date” he smiled at you. You both took your last swigs of your drinks. "Good night Roger” you hugged him tightly and gave him little peck on the cheek, before wandering off to bed, thinking of all the beautiful scenarios the following day would have to offer. Roger followed closely behind, entering his own bedroom. The feeling of your kiss on Roger’s cheek lingered with him, until he fell asleep, thinking of his newly found happiness. You.

#roger taylor #brian may #john deacon #freddie mercury #Queen #queen + Adam Lambert #roger taylor fanfic #roger taylor x reader #roger taylor fluff #happy halloqueenevent #happy halloqueen #fluff

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dimples-of-discontent · 5 years

Text

Thoughts on “Destiel is Real.”

So, I’ve been relatively scarce of late (except for when I went bonkers with reblogging deadly Cockles content...which I think I blacked out from b/c it was like being waaayyyy too high and it’s all their fault) because, if y’all don’t know, I have stage 4 breast cancer and am in chemo. I’m tolerating it really well but it takes a surprising amount of time, actually, especially since I’m still working 80% time and also living alone so doing house stuff etc.

This is all to say that I’m weighing in on things belatedly a lot. Like, I do still want to analyze the Cockles JIB panel as a whole b/c, oh my, was there a lot there. But today I will settle for this piece of it. I apologize if this is reduplicating what smart folks said elsewhere right when it happened. I was also off Twitter to avoid having it bring me down so I might just be really unaware. But as soon as this moment happened I was like, “oh man we’re gonna argue about this for like 84 years.” So here’s my small contribution on what this reminded me of.

To me, listening to Jensen and watching him engage the crowd, inspired a lot of anxiety b/c it did definitely seem like he was pissed off. I just couldn’t tell with what or who, especially given firsthand context from some folks in the room like @bluestar86 who wrote this account: https://twitter.com/bluestar861/status/1130255687290937344?s=21 about the general positivity Jensen and Misha had shown earlier (which is why Misha mentioned the shirt) and how the energy in the room was almost entirely positive. I totally believe that. But it didn’t reconcile easily with what I felt I saw from Jensen.

Until I remembered SDCC 2011. The one where Misha had been fired and all of them knew but none of the fans do. I wrote a long meta on that panel that I’m actually super happy with so maybe check it out? Anyway, this is how I described some of the dynamics:

The way everyone is sitting at this table isolates Sera and the body language from Jared and Jensen is openly hostile. Jensen especially pushes himself as far away as possible, defensively crosses his arms, leans away, doesn’t make any eye contact. Jared is also pissed and is functionally shielding Misha with his body while he does the first Cas question. Both of them are very protective and Jensen is more than a little hostile. They also both keep egging the audience on in their love for Cas/Misha, as when Jensen shouts “YEAH!” in affirmation of audience shrieks about the character. They want to show Sera what a piss poor decision it was to take Misha away from the fans…and from them. Whatever else you see happening these are some amazing friends.

So, we had a remarkably angry Jensen at this panel and he was angry specifically because the network had made what he considered--both professionally and personally--to be a fucking terrible decision. But he couldn’t say that. He’s got NDAs and stuff to worry about. So instead he settled, among other things, from egging the audience on to show how much they loved and wanted more Castiel.

Now I’m not saying the correlation is 1-1 with Destiel. But I am suggesting a thought experiment where something similar could be going on. And by “something similar” I mean “Jensen has inside knowledge about a thing the network has decided that he thinks is fucking stupid and that will hurt the fandom.” Like, oh for example, they’re not moving Destiel out of the subtext.

Additional fuel for this fire. Many have speculated that it’s network president Mark Pedowitz who’s the blocker. Jensen, earlier in the panel, asks the audience to applaud Pedowitz. That’s weird and he’s never done it before. True, Jared was talking about how Pedowitz says that they set examples for other shows and that Pedowitz is complimenting them on it so it was at least that in part. But Jensen is MASTERFUL at throwing shade while appearing to be doing the correct, professional thing. Witness his comments about Bob Singer and last year’s S13 finale. He’s done it with Eugenie and Sera too and probably others I don’t know about. Having the audience applaud Pedowitz if he knows something negative about Pedowitz--something the audience won’t like and that will actively hurt many of them--has a major bite of irony that I feel Jensen is perfectly capable of trying to engineer. (Or maybe there hasn’t been a final decision but he knows it doesn’t look good and why. Don’t lose hope! This is just speculation and a thought experiment.)

I’m going to put the JIB analysis under a cut, since it’s long and has lots of images. It ends with “The most similar behavior I saw was Jensen angrily getting the audience to cheer for something, even doing the same hand-raising gesture. In 2011 it was Castiel (”Go on! Show Sera how much you love the character she killled!”) and this time it was Destiel (”Go on! Show the network how much you love the ship they won’t textualize!”). That’s what made me think, initially, that he may know something about plans for Destiel that a) makes him mad, b) that he considers a bad decision by the network, c) that he thinks that audience will be hurt by.”

Anyway,

If you watch the JIB panel (starting about 12 mins in) you see, first, that Jensen wants Misha not to bring it up. He raises his hand at Misha which I first thought was him being like “shhhhhh don’t bring that up!” but which on repeat viewing I think was him actually just trying to get Misha to shut up so he could literally try to understand what she was saying. Once the audience reacts to Misha’s comment these are their faces:

Jared is absolutely looking at Misha like, “dude, why did you have to go and do that? You just threw a live grenade onstage.” Jensen is hamming it up gesturing at the audience to scream louder.

Jared changes his face to “well, when you’re right, you’re right! What are you gonna do.”

Here’s Jensen. He’s looking grumpy. Now, is it fake grumpy, a recognized and favored persona that he has. Or is it actually grumpy? Or is it both”

I think it’s both. But I also think he looks sad. And concerned. Like, on behalf of the audience not for him. Now you can say I’m projecting if you want--this is all total rampant speculation--but look at his eyes. I think he’s upset that he has to talk about this at all (since he knows a little about the fandom conflict it sets off) but there’s something else.

He pauses for a good, long time looking at the audience responding. And according to Saz and others the response was HUGELY POSITIVE! So why does he then announce into the mic with a grumpy fake laugh and what I honestly have to call sarcasm, “Destiel is real!”

Note that Misha is not worried by this. If Jensen were actually legitimately furious I think Misha would look a little worried. But instead he looks amused and curious about where this is going.

This is Jensen asking “Is it?” for the first time. He looks intentionally confused - that’s the bit he’s doing.

Here’s Jensen after the audience starts to audibly yell “Nooooo!!” His face says “WHAAAAAAT!?”

People then yell “yes” to drown them out and he asks, “Where?”

Second “where?”. Maybe he’s trying to get them to say “subtext” - a word the cast has great familiarity with and which was used in “Fan Fiction” and which they can joke around a lot about. That’s my guess. Maybe he has a subtext joke set up he wants to do with Misha. (Remember his tweet to Misha during “Fan Fiction: “you keep your subtext to yourself. I’m not that kind of girl. Wait...”)

They don’t - at least not clearly. Someone in the front row says, “Nowhere.” Misha says, “Help” (after mouthing something at someone in the audience that is probably “I’m sorry about this.” Jensen checks on Misha BUT disregards the fact that he’s looking over at the question-asker (who didn’t even ASK a Destiel question, just wear a shirt she liked) and asks “Where?” AGAIN.

Misha then takes things in hand and reaches out to tell Jensen, “don’t get into a fight with these people.” Jared is making a “Yikes!” face at the person in the first row who is continually yelling “Nowhere!”.

Jensen does sit down, but he’s mad. He’s really tense and it takes him a while to shake it off.

Who’s he tense with? The most obvious answer is the audience but let’s consider a couple things. 1) The audience was giving a mixed answer, including and sometimes more loudly the “Nowhere!” that you would think Jensen would want to hear IF he were angry/tense about the “Destiel is real” shirt or the audience’s support of it. 2) He was demanding consensus and an answer to where it was real EITHER to have them say “nowhere”--which they did so why not just stop?--OR to get them to say something like “subtext” to lead them into either a question or a bit about it.

So why keep pushing? Hoping to change the answer? Hoping to find consensus? Or maybe just hoping to get them to make a lot of noise about it for a long time (at which he succeeded). Now, Jensen is famously inconsistent about Destiel and also famously different onstage, especially for J2 audiences...though this, the most Holy Gay panel of all the panels, isn’t a place he’d shy away from, e.g. “What would Dean and Cas do on a trip to Rome? Everything I think of right now is inappropriate.”

Which brings us back to “who’s he tense with”? Could it be only part of the audience? Which part? The part yelling “nowhere” or the part yelling whatever positive things they were yelling? I’m going to hypothesize, based on a LOT of other stuff that I’ve written about, that he’s annoyed with the negative folks spoiling it for everyone with their “nowheres” and is trying to get the positive folks to drown them out and give him a good answer he can run with.

The fact that nothing coherent emerges is actually what gets him annoyed. And, by extension, the volume and persistence of that small part of the audience, which lets people like Pedowitz shoot down the idea of textual Destiel as something the viewers “don’t want,” annoys the living shit out of him because he sees the viewers all the time and knows that a majority of them either are ok with or actively want textual Destiel. I imagine him thinking something along the lines of, “Why can’t these nice people just have what they want? It’s b/c of assholes like you.”

He definitely lets his emotions get the better of him. He was already not in the best place, thanks to circumstances I hope to write about later but which boil down to having his special panel with Misha (that he was visibly psyched for from the moment he got onstage, “I always have so much fun with you!”) taken away because he got some awkward wood from being choked and straddled. So with that grumpiness he was primed not to make the best decisions. He gets aggressive and confrontational when he’s pissed, which is a thing I don’t love about him, even though it’s very easy to see why, and maybe this was just his battleground of choice.

To get back to the thought experiment about whether this is like SDCC 2011, though, I think it could be. I think it’s far more complex, given all the discourse surrounding Destiel and Jensen’s own sexuality. (Here’s a post I wrote in response to a question about Jensen and Destiel and bi!Dean that asked whether I thought he experienced them as about himself and Misha.) It’s tough, b/c each piece of evidence could go both ways (ha). Either mentioning Pedowitz for applause is excellent shade or total sincerity. Either Jensen is mad at the pro-Destiel audience and trying to get them to admit that they’re wrong, or he’s mad at the antis and trying to get them drowned out.

The most similar behavior I saw was Jensen angrily getting the audience to cheer for something, even doing the same hand-raising gesture. In 2011 it was Castiel (”Go on! Show Sera how much you love the character she killled!”) and this time it was Destiel (”Go on! Show the network how much you love the ship they won’t textualize!”). That’s what made me think, initially, that he may know something about plans for Destiel that a) makes him mad, b) that he considers a bad decision by the network, c) that he thinks that audience will be hurt by.

Given his shift in attitude overall and the mood of the room as described by attendees, it seems plausible to me that his engagement was a performance, using the audience, of what it is the viewers ACTUALLY want. But it could also just have been a grouchy Jensen taking it out on an old, familiar punching bag - the topic he never wants to discuss onstage - Destiel.

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hermannsthumb · 5 years

Note

for the summer prompts if you want you could do family reunion. it could be a fun and interesting dynamic

YES i think id like to make this into a longer fic itd be so fun, so thats why it cuts off where it is and has the long setup hehehe

13: Family Reunion

from summer prompt memes here

---------------------------------------------

"I should probably warn you,” Newt says over breakfast, after a few minutes of poking his fork into his room service pancakes (which have been steadily growing soggier) and twirling his orange juice straw between his index finger and thumb.

Hermann sets down his own fork with a small sigh of relief, and Newt has a feeling it’s not just because the unusual (for them) silence was leaving him on edge. “Oh, good,” he says. “I was about to say the same thing. You first.”

"It’s just,” Newt continues, “well, my family’s...they’re kind of a lot.” It’s important to him they go over this now, before Hermann’s inevitable Geiszler Culture Shock during the actual reunion this coming Tuesday. Give him plenty of time to prepare himself.

“I’d be strange if they weren’t,” Hermann says. “I’ve met your father, you know.”

“I know,” Newt says. “They’re just...loud. And nosy. They’re going to ask a million questions about you, and us, and our--” He gestures between them. “--Thing.”

“Our thing,” Hermann repeats.

“Yeah,” Newt says. “Our--” He mimes something obscene. “You get me?”

There is a brief moment of uncomfortable silence. Newt would have liked to say relationship, because he was under the impression that’s what they have, and he doesn’t think it’s too much of a leap--they share a bed, after all, and occasionally get up to shenanigans in it--but they’ve never labeled it officially and he’s worried about unintentionally making Hermann uncomfortable. “I understand,” Hermann says. “My family is the opposite.”

This is the reason they’re all the way over here in some quaint little German bed and breakfast, after all, instead of going through paperwork or cleaning up old specimen tanks in their Hong Kong lab like they probably should be: Geiszler and Gottlieb family reunions, both scheduled, coincidentally, a week and a decent (but manageable) drive apart from each other. They made a two week long vacation out of it, with the first week--this past week--spent doing dumb touristy things and eating non-rationed food. They have the time to do fun shit like this these days, after all; no more impending doom, no more weight of the world on their shoulders, no more overworking themselves until they collapse into an insensible heap on the lab couch only to be discovered by the graveyard shift janitor at three in the morning. Besides. If Newt and Hermann intend to keep getting up to shenanigans in shared bed, they’ve got to Meet the Families eventually. This way is just tackling it all at once.

“No shit,” Newt says sarcastically. “I’ve met your father too.”

While their recent outing with Newt’s dad had been nice and fun and causal--he bought them dinner--their only run-in with Hermann’s, accidentally, at a banquet during the war had been anything but. Newt recalled a lot of shouting (on his own end), louder shouting (on Hermann’s father’s end), and mortified silence (on Hermann’s end). And that was before Newt and Hermann even started getting up to shenanigans together. “You certainly have,” Hermann says. “Er. Please don’t be too offended, but I don’t imagine most of them will be very polite to you. They’ll have heard about the incident in Anchorage with Father by now. And most of them--well. Most of them don’t approve of me.”

Newt’s face splits into a grin. “They don’t approve of you?”

The tips of Hermann’s ears go red. “Of my career,” he says, “my, er, lifestyle, the career of the man I’ve chosen to share it with...” This, considering what little Newt knows about the extended Gottlieb family, makes sense: Hermann continuing to work on the jaeger program even after his father publicly turned his back on it must’ve been a real shock, and Newt was, after all, Hermann’s research partner throughout it all. Hermann being gay is just the metaphorical cherry atop that. What he says next throws Newt for a loop anyway. “I was also a bit rebellious in my youth. I don’t imagine they’ll have forgotten that.”

This time, Newt full-on snorts in disbelief. “Rebellious?” he echoes. “Holy shit, what’d you do? Get straight A’s instead of A-pluses?”

Hermann’s blush spreads down to his neck. “Er. Something along those lines,” he says. “At any rate. I suppose I’m what you may deem the black sheep of the family.”

“No fucking way,” Newt says delightedly. “Man. I can’t fucking wait for this.”

They check out of the bed and breakfast the next morning and start the two hour ride to Hermann’s childhood home, where they’ll be spending the next few days. They could’ve spent the entire time in Hermann’s old bedroom if they wanted and bypassed paying for a hotel entirely, but Hermann was deeply opposed to it--his siblings would not be arriving until today either, and the thought of being alone in a house with his parents clearly made him uncomfortable. Newt didn’t even bother suggesting it as an option.

“I can’t believe you grew up on a farm,” Newt says when they finally begin to pull down Hermann’s long gravel driveway. Because it is totally a farm--huge property and rolling fields and all--and Hermann has, conveniently, neglected to tell Newt this.

“It’s not a farm,” Hermann says. “Er. It’s--farmland. There’s a difference.”

They drive past a cow.

“It’s totally a farm, dude,” Newt says, waving hello at the cow. It doesn’t acknowledge him. “Did you have chickens, too? Pigs?”

“I had a cat,” Hermann concedes, and then Newt forgets all about pestering Hermann about the cow because the farmhouse finally comes into view behind the tall trees, and wow. It’s big--at least enough for each of the Gottlieb kids to have their own bedroom, Newt’s sure--with a wrap-around porch and a spacious yard. After craning his neck around, Newt spots more cows meandering through a fenced-off meadow nearby, and more excitingly, a large pond a brief walk away. There are ducks on it.

“A farm,” Newt repeats. “You grew up on a farm. Wow.” He thinks he can be forgiven for being a little incredulous about it all: the little Hermann’s shared about his childhood made it seem like he lived out his days chained up in some sort of drafty gothic castle before he eventually fled in the dead of night for uni. This beats the first six years of existence Newt spent in a shitty Berlin apartment by a mile.

Hermann parks their rented car in an empty bit of grass further away from the patch of gravel where another half-dozen-odd cars are and switches off the engine. Then he stares at the windshield for a very long time.

“I haven’t been here since I was a teenager,” he finally says. His knuckles are white around the steering wheel. “Even before that--it was mostly only summers. I went off to a boarding school when I was quite young.”

“Summers must’ve been...nice here,” Newt says cautiously. He’s worried he might strike a nerve without meaning to; it’s very easy to do that with Hermann, after all, especially when it comes to talking about his childhood. Newt used to do it all the time without meaning to. And sometimes, when he was pissed at Hermann, he used to mean to do it. He doesn’t feel very good about that these days.

“I would take my telescope out to the field,” Hermann says, “or up to my brother’s treehouse, on days when I could manage the ladder.”

His eyes dart down to the keyless ignition, and his index finger twitches, as if he’d like nothing more than to press it; Newt reaches over and places his hand on Hermann’s arm in a way he hopes is soothing. “Hermann,” he says. “We can leave now if you want. We don’t have to go in.”

Hermann worries at his lower lip for a moment, then his whole body seems to sag. His hands drop into his lap. “No,” he says. He works his jaw. “We’re going in.”

Newt nods.

They go inside. Newt can tell, instantly, which of the people milling about are related to Hermann by blood as opposed to marriage: they have Hermann’s fine cheekbones, his funny stick-out ears, his dark hair, and some--only a handful--have eyes almost the same warm brown as his, though without the little crinkles at the corners and Hermann’s delicate, fanning eyelashes. Unless Newt’s just biased in Hermann’s favor. A few of them nod tersely in Hermann’s direction; one older-looking woman outright avoids eye contact and speeds up a little down the hall.

Newt shuts the door behind them and gives the foyer a brief once-over. High ceiling. Neutral-colored wallpaper dotted with small roses. Neutral-colored carpet. A single vase of flowers on a pristine wooden side table. “It’s nice in here,” Newt lies.

“Hm,” Hermann says with obvious distaste. Then a strange look flits across his face. “Bastien,” he says over Newt’s shoulder, slightly louder. “Hello.”

Newt turns. Walking stiffly towards them down the hallway is a guy who looks unsettlingly like a taller, less pointy, and far more stylish Hermann. He stops a good foot away from them and nods just as stiffly. “Hermann,” he says, and Newt half expects them to exchange a firm, professional handshake. He knows Hermann’s not big on hugs, and he must’ve gotten that from somewhere, but come on. “I’m surprised you came. It’s good to see you.” His eyes sweep over Newt once. “Are you Dr. Geiszler?”

“You can just, uh, call me Newt,” Newt says. His mouth feels weirdly dry. He didn’t expect to get this fucking nervous.

“I’ve seen your photograph online,” Bastien says. His accent is thick, thicker than Newt ever remembers Hermann’s being on the rare occasions his learned pretentious English one slips and gives way to his natural one. It makes sense. He never left the country like Hermann did. “Hermann has mentioned you once or twice in emails.”

“He has?” Newt says, because that’s news to him, but Bastien’s already turned his attention back to Hermann.

“Father is in the backyard,” he says in a low voice. “If you were wondering.”

Hermann’s visible distaste returns. “Ah. Thank you. I’ll be sure to avoid it then.” He allows himself a tiny fraction of a smile. “It is nice to see you.”

"Bastien is only two years younger than me,” Hermann explains once he and his brother have nodded at each other once more and Bastien’s retreated back down the hallway. “I was always closest to him, out of my siblings.”

“I can tell,” Newt says, and, probably lucky for him, Hermann doesn’t pick up on the sarcasm.

Hermann takes him on a brief tour of the lower level of the house. It’s weird; for all the charm the outside has--from the vines creeping up the sides, the ancient shutters, the sagging porch, the beautiful hills--the inside is pretty, well, bland. There’s a pristine dining room. A pristine kitchen. A pristine living room, with couches more out of fashion than Hermann’s sweatervest and a fucking gorgeous piano that looks practically untouched. (Newt whistles when he sees it; “I took lessons once,” Hermann says, “I wasn’t very good.”)

The main point of Newt’s interest, though, the thing that really makes him stop dead in his tracks, is the single family photo resting atop the fireplace mantle. All six Gottliebs are lined up in a row: Hermann’s father, a woman Newt takes to be Hermann’s mother (she has his eyelashes and his wide mouth), a teenage, and much shorter, Bastien, two twenty-somethings that must be Hermann’s older brother and sister (all three with Hermann’s ears), and--

“Holy shit, Hermann,” Newt says, snatching up the picture frame for a closer look. “Is this you?”

It is, which Newt is sure of even before Hermann flushes beautifully and turns his eyes to the ceiling--there’s no mistaking that scowl or cane. The Hermann in the photograph is leaning against a wall, a good foot away from the rest of his siblings, and can’t be any older than eighteen. He’s got an undercut twice as severe as his current one. A cigarette dangling from between two fingers. And--Newt realizes with a jolt of something that might be called elation, or it might be called horror--an earring in one ear. “Ah,” Hermann says. “I did say I was--”

“This is the best day of my life,” Newt says. “I want a copy. I want three copies. I want to carry one around in my wallet. I can’t believe you had an earring!”

“He did it himself,” a woman lurking near the doorway with a drink in hand and Hermann’s cheekbones says. “With a sewing needle, wasn’t it?”

“A safety pin,” Hermann says miserably. “Hello, Karla.”

“Hermann,” Karla says. They exchange stiff nods. (This family is fucking weird, Newt thinks. Maybe Hermann really is an alien. It would explain a lot.) “Who’s your friend?”

Hermann touches Newt’s arm. “This is my...” He trails off, and Newt starts to wonder if he should jump in with a lab partner when Hermann finally coughs and says, “My Newton.”

Newt gives Karla a nervous little wave. The once-over she’s giving him behind her wire-frame glasses is twice as severe and scrutinizing as the one Bastien gave him earlier--far more Hermann-esque. Specifically, Hermann when Newt’s fucked something up and is doing a very bad job of hiding it. “Your Newton,” she says. “The biologist?” Newt and Hermann both nod. She looks satisfied. And a little disapproving. “You didn’t say he was coming. You may have to make up the guest room bed for--”

“There’s no need,” Hermann says, and a small blush blooms on his cheeks. “Newton and I will be sharing my bed.”

“Sharing?” Karla echoes. She narrows her eyes at Newt again. “Hm. You are his type.”

“Karla,” Hermann hisses. He looks mortified.

“Hermann was always bringing home boys like you,” she says to Newt. “Dyed hair, piercings, tattoos--”

“Karla.”

“All because he knew our mother and father hated it, of course,” she says. “That’s also why he--” She tugs on her earlobe, the same earlobe Hermann has pierced in the photo, and takes a sip of her drink. “He was always so difficult. And now, a,” she says the next word like it leaves a bad taste in her mouth, “biologist.”

Newt feels, vaguely, like he’s entered in a parallel universe, where Hermann Gottlieb is apparently some sort of bad boy rebel without a cause and not, in fact, Newt’s stuffy, uptight, stick-up-his ass lab partner who one time yelled at Newt for being too cheerful at work. “Difficult?” he says faintly.

“She’s exaggerating,” Hermann jumps in quickly. He tugs frantically on the sleeve of Newt’s leather jacket. “Newton, we should--”

“He used to stay out until three in the morning,” Karla interrupts, with something akin to glee on her face, “and come roaring in on the back of some boy’s motorcycle--”

“Holy shit,” Newt says.

“Newton,” Hermann says. “Upstairs, please.”

Newt places the photograph back on the mantle and scurries after Hermann as he clacks, furiously, from the room and past his sister (who merely nods at both of them again). Hermann doesn’t stop his furious clacking until they make it all the way up the creaky staircase, down the upstairs hallway, and through a door that he shoves open unceremoniously.

This is where Newt stops. He’s not sure what he expected Hermann’s childhood bedroom to look like, but he wasn’t expecting this. It’s undoubtedly Hermann’s though. The bedspread is dark blue, patterned with little white spaceships and orange comets, but looks recently washed, at least. There’s a model of the solar system hanging in the corner, clearly homemade. A heavy layer of dust on a desk in front of a window, where several advanced mathematics texts are stacked up. More spaceships on the faded wallpaper. A few perfectly straight and even posters, one of the phases of the moon from 2006 tacked to the back of the door. A messy bookcase.

Newt was expecting--more neutral colors, maybe. An ancient-looking abacus. Victorian schoolhouse chalkboard slates. He smiles. “This is your old room?”

Hermann eases himself down onto the edge of the bed. “Yes,” he says, and pats the bedspread. “I imagine we’ll fit here together tonight without a problem.”

“Yeah,” Newt says, and sits down next to him. He has a million things he wants to say: your family is fucking weird, what’s so bad about being a biologist, you weren’t lying about being a black sheep, huh, but what comes out, along with a wide grin, is “So. I’m your type?”

“Oh, don’t start,” Hermann says. “Karla was only teasing. She always teases.”

“You used to ride around on motorcycles,” Newt says, “with boys. Plural.”

Hermann darts his tongue out, nervously, over his bottom lip. “With one boy in particular,” he concedes. “Ah. A friend from school.” His blush returns. “He had a tattoo of a sparrow on his shoulder. He was my first kiss.”

Inspired, Newt leans in and kisses Hermann’s cheek. “Dude. That’s adorable.”

Hermann hides his face in his hands. “He had freckles,” he says.

#newmann #maria's fanfiction tag #Anonymous

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alvizbeldamarcos · 5 years

Text

On Male K-Idols Looking “Gay” (And How They’re Not)

by Tricia Belda

source: BBC

Androgyny is a concept long existing in K-Pop that transcends the gender and cultural differences between idols and fans. It existed even from when the industry only had a small fan base consisting of local fans and a few foreign ones. Artists have always been freely cross-dressing; K-Pop boy groups may cover girl groups’ songs and vice versa, without receiving any judgment from their audiences. Androgyny has always been a part of their culture that their audience views it as nothing out of the ordinary. However, now that K-Pop expanded further to reach out to more countries, several problems arise. With more foreign eyes onto the industry and a now larger market, some people are quick to question the standards that K-Pop has set up.

The spite mostly comes from the non-fans, particularly the ones who are used to Western pop music culture. People outside the community are quick to point out what seems to them are “flaws” of the K-Pop industry. Most of the time, the misunderstandings are caused by the differences between the culture of K-Pop fans and non-fans. These misunderstandings consist of criticisms of the culture, not only limited to androgyny. The most pronounced “problems” that the non-fans often raise are the “fan wars”, the music for its “repetitive songs” with the “same melodies and concepts”, and the idols for being who they are— particularly male idols for being somewhat “effeminate”.

The effeminateness possessed by K-idols is known as “soft masculinity” among the people familiar with K-Pop culture, as Asher (2018) indicates. Soft masculinity is characterized by an interest in commonly feminine objects, such as makeup, and by the possession of feminine features. Shin (2013) translates this “soft masculinity” to “kkochminam”, which literally means flower boy in Hanggul. Kkochminam is a term used in K-Pop to describe males with flower-like or delicate appearances. However, a more convenient and common term used by people outside the community is the word “androgynous”. Androgyny, as Merriam-Webster (n.d.) defines it, refers to “the quality or state of being neither specifically feminine or masculine”; may it be in terms of physical features, in attitude, in fashion, etc. Among male K-idols, the more known androgynous ones, include Taemin of SHINee, Sungjong of INFINITE, Jeonghan of SEVENTEEN, Ren of NU’EST.

Shin (2013) states that kkochminam is often associated with the concept of metrosexuality; wherein men also pay close attention to their appearances and grooming. Aside from sharing common traits such as delicate facial features and skinny body types, the mentioned idols above (along with other male idols) also put high regards on their appearances with their distinct fashion sense, and their interest in skincare and makeup; similar to metrosexuality. However, a notable difference between the two would be the age group commonly linked to both. Shin differentiates that while metrosexuality mostly refers to “urban men”, kkochminam involves younger males (as the common age group of idols).

Due to its “feminine” nature, androgyny easily appealed to the female fans. Consequently, it is presently being used by K-Pop agencies as a selling point for products. Famous skincare and makeup brands these days have male idols as their endorsers. Visto (2018) even states that customers are “often lured into stores by men endorsers of make-up and skin care lines rather than their women counterparts”, showing both how powerful the industry is, and how such concept of masculinity is widely-accepted in South Korea. Male idols have always been very expressive in using skincare and makeup, stating that they believe men are free to groom themselves as much as women do.

image

NU’EST’s Ren modeling in skirts (source: Daily Kpop News)

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EXO’s Kai performing in a crop top (source: Naver)

Likewise, androgyny is also “sold” as publicity in terms of fashion and performances. Ren of NU’EST garnered positive attention for modeling skirts and dresses for “VIP Shop” in China, and Kai of EXO received praises for wearing crop tops for their recent performances. Regardless of the negative feedback, these idols receive due to their unconventional fashion sense, a majority of the audience have been really accepting of the change. Fans have shown support for their idols breaking the norms that only women can wear certain apparels. The idols, in turn, make sure to meet their fans’ expectations by smoothly incorporating these unique outfits into their performances.

Taemin of SHINee also showcased androgyny in his performances; not through fashion but through his music. In his interview with Herman (2017), Taemin stated that he particularly used gender-neutral pronouns, and incorporated masculine and feminine movements for his choreography in “MOVE”. The artist adds, “I really wanted to break those labels, showing that dance is a form of art”, showing how idols are trying to boldly push the boundaries even further. Androgyny here is effectively used as a way to be a more versatile performer. Queerness actually widens the variety of performances an idol can show on-stage, for gender no longer serves as a limit to what an idol can showcase.

Androgyny breaking boundaries are not only limited to the stage, but also to the “real lives” of idols recorded by the camera; fancams (fan-taken videos), reality shows, variety shows, and music shows. In addition to the aforementioned comparison between metrosexuality and Korean soft masculinity (kkochminam), the former only refers to grooming while the latter involves the personas showcased by idols both on and off-stage. Jung (2011) calls this “manufactured versatile masculinity”, wherein idols are purposely fashioned to have an image of both manliness and softness or femininity. She states 2PM’s Taecyeon as an example of such, for both being “beastly” whenever he rips his shirt on stage to show his well-built muscular body; and for being “puppy-like” whenever he speaks in a high-pitched voice and makes sweet gestures when told to act cute (known in Korea as “aegyo”) in shows. Taecyeon, and other idols switch between personas depending on the environment to effectively appeal to the audience. Due to exhibiting such duality, the idols, and their performances cater to fans with different preferences.

The “real life” of an idol is also commonly caught on camera whenever fans take videos of them in concerts, fan meets, or other events outside of their performances. Often times, these idols act clingy and sweet towards their fellow members in front of the fans purely for “fan service” (an idol’s way of pleasing his/her fans). As a result, fans pair an idol with one of his members, fantasizing about their “relationships”. In turn, “shipping culture” (from the word relationship) has naturally made its way to be a huge part of the K-Pop culture. Fans have been really open and expressive about this in the media, to the point that some idols have admittedly stated that they are aware of the “shipping culture” in the industry. Although a few idols have already stated that “shipping” makes them uncomfortable, Iwacka (2014) states that their agencies direct them to fuel their fan’s desires by further being touchy and close with each other. To the fans, “every sign of friendship and closeness is seen as a sign of ‘burning passion’ inside the group”. This, in fact, is the content of most slash “fanfics” (fan fiction) that fans write, Iwacka explains.

Internationally, however, with predominant Western influence, the Asian standards of androgyny are looked down upon. To others, androgyny in K-Pop is seen as “gay”; whereas that should not be the case. As Oh (2017) explains, androgyny in K-pop is considered “neither an absence of masculinity nor homosexuality.” On the contrary, it is seen as a performance, to be “theatrical spectacles” for the audiences’ viewing. In these performances, the actors (or in this case, idols), are free to exercise queerness, without necessarily being branded as a certain gender. Oh also adds that “queer” is a verb, wherein the gender is practiced and exhibited; performed and not just part of an identity. The said idea of androgyny is unique to Western views as “queer is often understood as a Eurocentric concept with the implication that the non-West queer subject should follow Western models”, Oh says.

As a result of the generalization of queerness and androgyny being a specific type with fixed standards, several misunderstandings arise. K-Pop idols are usually the target for online harassments, cyberbullying, slander, etc. In the case of male K-Pop idols, they are usually subject to homophobia. A long-standing problem in the K-Pop world is how people working in the industry receive years of training, sacrificing everything they have just to pursue their dreams, only to be faced with the harsh reality of a cruel and judgemental world. Now that K-Pop has grown bigger, although it equates to more attention and more profit, it also means more conventional eyes critiquing the idols for not complying to the standards of the West.

One known instance of this would be when some people opposed K-Pop idols making the “Top 100 Most Handsome Faces of 2018”. Dong (2019) reports the Greek TV show host Katerina Kainourgiou and her guests making homophobic and malicious comments on their show “Eutixeite”. They made remarks such as "Is he a man?”, “I can’t believe there are women who voted for that thing to be No. 5.” Towards Korean idols like Kang Daniel and BTS’ Jungkook. Such comments show how some people remain unaccepting or uninformed of the differences between K-pop and their local culture.

Understanding androgyny in K-pop is not only a matter of understanding gender difference but also cultural differences, as ethnocentrism is involved. Baylor (2012) defines ethnocentrism as,

a term applied to the cultural or ethnic bias—whether conscious or unconscious—in which an individual views the world from the perspective of his or her own group, establishing the in-group as archetypal and rating all other groups with reference to this ideal.

The concept of such could be seen whenever some people call idols (and other eastern Asian males) “gay” simply because they have softer-looking features and are more concerned with their grooming, compared to males of their societies. Darling-Wolf, as cited by Eisend, Langner, & Okazaki (2012), explains that comparisons between the masculinity in different cultures cannot be outright made because the concept varies and develops differently in each society.

Each society also has its own standard of an ideal man, which members of other societies are not obligated to adhere to. With Caucasian masculinity as the most desired ideal, as per Tan & Shaw’s (2014) research, most people then tend to prefer men with either more defined facial features, more muscular bodies for the “Tough and Macho”, or the more mature and sophisticated for the “Cool and Refined” over the young-looking, vigorous, innocent, and delicate Asian masculinity ideal. Having these ideals are actually normal because each one has their own preferences. However, having a certain standard, and employing that criteria to judge others’ behaviors, traits, identity, preferences, etc. is a mindset that, as much as possible, must be avoided. Particularly for androgyny in K-Pop, where both the topics of gender and culture is touched upon.

A phrase to sum the ideas up may be “The concept of androgyny, it has been suggested, offers a means of transcending the duality of gender differences imposed by culture”, as indicated by Krishnaraj (1996). First, that gender is a spectrum which could not be quantified as either strictly male or female. Anyone could go from either end or prefer the middle ground (which includes androgyny), which is why the phrase “too feminine” or “too masculine” cannot always be applied. The case is even more applicable now, with the emergence of SOGIE and now that everyone should be more accepting of each person’s freedom of choice. Second, that each culture has its own set of beliefs, traditions, customs, and traits which should be respected by different communities. The standards of a certain culture could not be imposed on another, as a result of the disparity brought about by the history, topography, and other factors which may actually discern the two.

Currently, K-Pop has caused a radical shift in global culture. Aside from the aforementioned influences, it has caused, it also seems to be the meeting point between the concept of gender differences and societal disparities. K-Pop might just be the revolution of breaking through the barriers of heteronormativity and prevalently Western thinking that most people are accustomed to.

Bibliography

Asher, S. (2018, September 20). Flowerboys and the appeal of 'soft masculinity' in South Korea. Retrieved from BBC News Asia: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-42499809

Baylor, E. (2012, January 11). Ethnocentrism. Retrieved from Oxford Bibliographies: http://www.oxfordbibliographies.com/view/document/obo-9780199766567/obo-9780199766567-0045.xml#firstMatch

Eisend, M. L. (2012). Current Insights and Future Trends. Advances in Advertising (Vol. III), 276.

Herman, T. (2017, October 25). Taemin Talks 'MOVE,' Gender Stereotypes & Pushing the Boundaries of K-Pop. Retrieved from Billboard: https://www.billboard.com/articles/columns/k-town/8014100/taemin-interview-move-gender-stereotypes-pushing-the-boundaries

Iwacka, R. (2014, January). There Will Be Blood – the Darker Side of K-pop.

K-Pop Idol Boy Bands and Manufactured Versatile Masculinity: Making Chukgojeok boys. (2011). In S. Jung, Korean Masculinities and Transcultural Consumption: Yonsama, Rain, Oldboy, K-Pop Idols (p. 165). Hong Kong University Press.

Krishnaraj, M. (1996). Androgyny: An Alternative to Gender Polarity? . Economic and Political Weekly, 1.

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Androgyny Definition.

Oh, C. (2017). Unmasking Queerness: Blurring and Solidifying Queer Lines through K-Pop. The Journal of Popular Culture, 9-13.

Shaw, P. &. (2014). Race and Masculinity: A Comparison of Asian and Western Models in Men's Lifestyle Magazine Advertisements. Journalism & Mass Communication Quarterly, 118-138.

Shin, J. (2013). Male Homosexuality in The King and the Clown : Hybrid. Journal of Korean Studies, 98.

Visto, C. (2018, October 15). Beauty and the boys. Retrieved from Business World: https://www.bworldonline.com/beauty-and-the-boys/

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theromancewatcher100 · 5 years

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***BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY REVIEW***

Last night we went to see Bohemian Rhapsody, the whole fam. We were pretty bloody excited to tell you the truth. I hate to be one of those people that only get into something because it’s portrayed in a film or in popular culture. But in all honesty, I liked Queen before. I wasn’t a mega super fan like my dad but I had a general knowledge of their music, of their greatest hits, with some lesser known ones thrown in between. It’s not like I had never heard of them, and let’s be fair. I wasn’t even on this earth until well after the beautiful Freddie Mercury had passed. It actually makes me really sad to think that I wasn’t around when they were the biggest band in the world at one point. I can only imagine the hype, the anticipation and also the controversies that you would hear of when they were making it big, making their mark, cementing their legacy. This film gave me a new found respect for all four band members. While for us millennials, the light has always been shone on Freddie, his zany personality, and his tragic death. Other than that I didn’t really know of anything personal pertaining to the band. And well, I like personal stuff. It makes you who you are. Obviously, music can fill in a lot of the gaps, but until you try to understand what that person is like as a human being I feel like you can’t fully appreciate their songs, it ends up giving them a new meaning, a new appreciation for the individuals behind the instruments. I know they say to separate the art from the artist. And I do think there is some truth in that...in some cases, but not this one. The art and the artist are so intertwined that the artists have in themselves, become their art.

Bohemian Rhapsody was a wonderful portrayal of the band’s path to stardom. I loved it. But more than the flashing lights and the huge arenas, I loved the way it presented the relationships in and around the group. They all had their part to play and played it so well. Rami Malek as Freddie was truly iconic. When he first came onto the screen with the brunette mop, crooked fringe, and rather large knashers I thought, dear Christ what have they done, this is going to be extremely distracting. In all honesty, I thought they had seriously overdone it, appearance wise. But on reflection, I can happily say that they got pretty darn close. Freddie was just that gawky looking. But damn did he own it! Malek succeeded in giving us unabashed humour, sharp poignancy, and fabulous sassiness all rolled into one. The way Freddie’s sexuality was portrayed, I thought seemed really accurate for the time, ‘I’m bisexual’...’you’re gay Freddie’. I thought that was really heartbreaking, and most definitely common for the time, still happens today even! I also thought they dealt with his bisexuality really cleverly, showing only tidbits here and there, implying what might have happened rather than actually showing it on screen (now is the time to appreciate the ‘Another One Bites the Dust’ sequence; someone throw me a hot towel!). Not that that would have necessarily been a bad thing (I personally don’t think it would have). But I don’t think the rest of Queen or Freddie himself would have wanted sex scenes plastered all over the big screen, even if it wasn’t actually him. I think it was done more out of respect rather than a disregard for who he was as a person, and I think realising there’s a distinction is super important. Lastly, the relationship with Mary, from what I’ve read seemed spot on. Their relationship was so sweet and lovely, and so tragic at the same time. My heart ached for both Freddie and Mary equally; they wanted to bee with each other, but couldn’t, through no fault of either one. The scene that comes to mind here is when Freddie switches the lamp on and off to try and get her attention from across the street, but the room stays blanketed in darkness. His constant need for companionship really came across. However, he did find this in his large family of furry friends. I was so happy they included his extended family in his cats. Asking to speak to them when he was on tour, giving them each their own room in his mansion and so on. Lastly, the one scene that really stuck out for me, and I think really helped me understand the relationship between the boys was when Freddie told them of his diagnosis. While I know this wasn’t historically accurate, (seriously, what is these days?) the lump it left in my throat was immense. Not because of how beautifully he delivered this confession, but because of the group’s reaction. Without hesitation, they each went in for a group hug. Don’t want to give a history lesson here, but during the 80s when AIDS was rife, and they were still learning about the disease, they weren’t 100% sure of how the disease was passed on from person to person. And just by including that small but powerful gesture, whether it happened or not, really cemented these individuals not just as incredible musicians, but as being more human than we might have ever thought someone could be.

I also think special recognition should go to Gwilym Lee, Ben Hardy, and Joeseph Mazzello. In particular, Gwilym Lee has a striking resemblance to Brian May and I really couldn’t get over how similar they looked, but how similar they sounded too! Lastly, we have to talk about that final Live Aid sequence. I don’t know how they managed to do it, but they succeeded in making the cinema feel like a stadium. The anticipation beforehand, the exhilaration during and the sheer feeling of nostalgia afterward made you want to run back into the cinema and relive it all over again.

Go and see it, I doubt you’ll be disappointed, unless you’re a critic of course- but what do they know really ;)

#bohemian rhapsody #movie review #freddie mercury

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anuknowha · 5 years

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Till Death Do We Part// Chapter 7, Daydream

He had woken up this morning in his his room. His shirt was off and his skin showing as he stretched and yawned. He was feeling rather confident. He was feeling excited knowing that he was going to be tonight's opening act in Chicago and most importantly, his blood was pumping at the thought of finally being able to meet his two favorite artists. Skrillex and Marshmello.

They delivered him foods, because it was still early in the morning. He had forgotten he had ordered room service that morning. So the knock that suddenly rang at the door came to him as a surprise. He scratched his head and got up, his brown locks in his face. And as he brushed them away out of his eyes, he answered the door.

“Delivery for… Mr. Berling?” the woman at the door stated while she was looking down at the metal tray in her hand.

Once she looked up a blush started to appear on her cheeks. She shook her head trying to snap out of it as she stared at him.

“Y-you’re Avicii aren’t you? I love your music!-” she tried her best to whisper but failed to hide the excitement in her voice.

Avicii took time to hush her, and grab his food before thanking her and closing the door.

“I hope I didn’t come off too rude.” he mumbles to himself as he sits the tray on the bed and sighs.

He walks back over to the door and checks the peephole, in which she’s no longer standing at and he let out a nervous huff.

“Long day ahead.” he told himself as he plopped on his bed and opened his tray to reveal golden pancakes drizzled in fresh maple syrup, two strips of bacon and a small container of butter.

He started eat, one forkful after another, until the plate was clean. It was than sat next to him as he grabbed the remote and looked for something on tv. Today was going to be a long day, but he wasn’t going to let it get out of hand.

“You know, you can’t keep this up forever George. You’re gay and you can’t just hide who you are, someway, somehow, they’re going to find out about it and you’re going to still try and cover it up.” Anselmo stated.

George threw his jacket on the couch in anger and turned to his partner.

“Look… just… my family doesn’t even know I’m gay right now and I rather the press not know either. Its 1992 and all that people know about gays is that Freddie Mercury died from being one and that seemingly only us homosexuals can catch AIDS and I rather not be the second rockstar putting their life on the line to be out in the shooting range you know? I rather not be a target.”

“George, all I’m trying to say is that you need to realize that we can’t keep hiding this. This may be a secret but its not one that should be, or have to be kept forever. I know we can’t help what others say about us or what they think but you’re George Michael, you’re better than this, you don’t have to be upset or take any of this from anyone.” his boyfriend said sympathetically, as he walked over to grab his arm. He placed a gentle kiss on his lips causing George to return a small smile.

“I guess you’re right…” George sighed.

“Good, now go out there and get em.” he said patting his back, “I’ll be waiting for you to return. And when you do, I have a surprise for you.”

“I don’t think you should wait up for me, I’ll probably be bloody tired once I come from this stage.” George smirked as he headed towards the door.

Avicii went to take a shower, finding one of his black t shirts shirts to throw on along with some jeans. He was about ready to head out for today. He opened the door to his hotel room and took a peek in both directions making sure no one was around him to make sure he doesn’t draw attention to himself. He quickly skipped out and headed towards the elevator which was already waiting for someone to take a step inside.

He happily did, and went down to the first floor before exiting the building. He went to go find something to do, and since this was his first time in the huge city, he wanted to take some looks around.

He spent the day shopping, going to a few stores and buying a few more shirts, and a new hat that was more expensive than the one he had sitting in his room. He slapped his new cap on, giving himself a small chuckle.

“I think I’ve done enough, and I still have about 3 hours before showtime. I better take my stuff back to my room…”

His phone started to ring, and he picked it up, it was his agent.

“Avicii, Skrillex and Marshmello are trying to meet up with you before the show. They said they want to have a quick talk and hang out some. Do you think you could meet them at the venue in say, about thirty minutes? Don’t worry, I’ll have a cab pick you up from your hotel in about 15 minutes.”

Avicii was about to say something before he got cut off. Quickly, he tried to wave down a cab and was successful as it took him back to his hotel. He hurried to get upstairs and stumbled to find his room key. Once he opened the door he threw his bags in, one of them falling on its side, which left his shirt laying on the floor. He shut the door quickly but silently and made his way back downstairs, he knew that the taxi was outside, waiting for him.

Upon arrival at his arrival to the venue, he was promptly greeted by Skrillex and Marshmello who were standing outside waving at him from a distance. He was quick to get out the car and race over to them to greet them, trying his best not to fanboy as they both shook his hand.

“Come on inside, we have snacks.”

Within a few minutes, they were inside, sitting down and enjoying themselves plates of fruit.

“Me and Mello have been waiting to meet you for a while. We love your music and we were looking forward to playing after you.” Skrillex smiled.

Marshmello only nodded.

“Is he going to be like this the whole time or is he going to talk?” Avicii said raising a brow.

“He’s just going to answer using postcards if he needs to and or the average gestures.”

Marshmello gave a thumbs up.

“But back to what I was saying, it is going to be an honor to have you open up for us, the fans will be screaming.”

“I bet.” Avicii shrugged taking a bite of his strawberry.

“What have you been doing anyway? You know, while you were here?”

“Shopping. I was actually shopping while I was waiting for you guys.”

Marshmello made the gesture of laughing as they all continued to talk for about an hour.

“Guys, you wanna start making sure everything is in order?” Skrillex’s agent said.

“Yeah… lets go.” Avicii smiled as he tossed his plate in the trash.

The went on stage, each making sure that their songs were ready. They took turns messing with the sound and the microphones, being careful not to break anything. They couldn’t help themselves as they made jokes. And within the next two hours it was time to perform.

First up on stage was Avicii, he was excited, pumped even as he watched everyone dance and sway their hips to the music. And after about an hour of him playing his songs, he gave it over to Marshmello and than Skrillex who seemed to bring the house down. Once they were all done, they went backstage to share drinks, toasting and making a few more jokes before they had to say their goodbyes.

“That was much fun Avicii, we should hang out again some day. You know, when we’re not all busy and touring.” Skrillex smiled.

“Yeah” Marshmello said through the mask.

Both Avicii and Skrillex looked and Marshmello and burst out into laughing before they went their separate ways for the night.

After his concert he walked backstage, tired sweaty, his hair in a disarray. It was a mess, he was a mess, but that didn’t stop his boyfriend from pulling him into a big hug once he away from the audience.

George groaned and laid his head on his chin as his boyfriend pretended to drag him with him to his dressing room.

“I’m tired.” he groaned into his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“I know, I know. Would you rather wait until morning? I really wanted to do it tonight but I wouldn’t like to have the rest of your stamina dragged away by what I’m planning to do you know?”

“That’s fine...”

“Well… also, after that we are going to call your family and you’re going to confess to them.”

“Okay…” he said groggily.

His boyfriend tossed him on the couch gently and watched him go into a sleep slumber before his eyes. He couldn’t help but smile to himself although he knew that his boyfriend wouldn’t remember what he was even talking about when the sun rose in the morning. But currently that didn’t matter to him. All that mattered is that they were both happy and safe. Anselmo laid down next to his boyfriend, resting his head on his shoulder before falling asleep as well.

The next morning they woke up and looked at each other. George couldn’t help but laugh as he pushed his lover from his shoulder gently.

“I didn’t take a shower last night and here you are, drenching yourself in my sweat. I must stink huh? From all that jumping around and performing?”

“I don’t care about that, and you know it. Plus, I think your muscular scent is amazing, it draws me to you even more. It's a scent I can’t get out of my mind, just like I can’t get you out of my mind.”

George laughed giving him a peck on the lips, which was only returned with a more passionate kiss that lasted seconds before his lover pushed him on the sofa.

“This is my surprise for you.” Anselmo whispered into his boyfriend’s ear.

And within those few words they started to undress. And they were on top of each other, limbs tangled in a hot passionate time of sex. They felt so in love, so happy as their bodies intertwined and became one. The dressing room filled with moans and groans and the sounds of wet skin smacking against each other. It lasted for what seemed like hours, and by the time they ran out of stamina it was noon.

“I’m hungry.” Anselmo mumbled against George’s chest.

“Well let's go, we’ve been in here a while and I think we should’ve already been out of here.”

George got dressed and helped his partner get dressed before they walked out the door. They followed each other and headed towards the exit. They were happy to finally be getting out of there. They rushed arm and arm to the tour bus and took a seat. They couldn’t help but look at each other and burst into a fit of giggles.

“You should’ve seen yourself! “Oh George, right there!”” George mocked.

Anselmo blushed and shoved his boyfriend down on the couch inside of the giant tour bus.

“Tsk tsk, did you remember what you promised me that we’d do today?”

“Mmm… not quite. Was it more sex?” George teased.

“No... wanna try again?” Anselmo cooed.

“No, not really.” George said grabbing a soda from the fridge next to him and opening it up.

“You promised that we would call your parents and confess to them that you’re gay.”

He could tell George was hesitant and didn’t want to say anything. He sent his boyfriend a glare and sighed.

“I don’t recall this.”

“That doesn’t matter, you told me you’ll do it. Please? For me?”

George took a sip of his can of soda and requested that they stop at a nearby phone booth to call his family. They stopped at the closest gas station and he got out the car. Each step he took was hesitant.

He walked in, put in a few coins, dialed the number and picked up the red painted metal phone. It kept ringing, two, three times before it was picked up.

“Hey mom…” George started.

“George! It's been too long since we last spoke. I have missed you much! How’s the tour, how’s life? How’s everything going?”

“Great mom. There’s something I need to tell you…” George trailed off, wrapping the long red cord around his index finger.

“What is it sweetheart?”

He could tell she was smiling on the other side of the phone, and he didn’t want to ruin it by telling her the truth, but he knew he had to. He took a deep breath and spoke.

“I’m gay.”

It got silent on his mom’s side of the phone.

“You are… I kinda figured that! I’m glad you’re embracing it finally and I’m glad you shared it with me.” she said which felt like music to his ears.

For once he felt accepted and comforted by someone in his family.

“I’m going to tell everyone else, I know that they’ll be thrilled!”

“Okay!” he said biting his lip with joy.

He was trying to hold back his screams of happiness.

“Mom… I love you… and thank you…” George said, trying to hold back tears that were now forming in his eyes.

“I love you too George. I can’t wait for you to come home.” she said, holding back tears of her own as she hung up the phone.

George looked around his room in tears. He snapped out his trance from looking at the ceiling, something he forgot he was even doing. He sat up and felt them drip down his cheeks. It was all a dream; something that lasted longer than it had in reality. He missed Anselmo, a lot, but he knew he couldn’t have stopped him from dying. He couldn’t have stopped the disease from spreading or even delay it from happening. Every time he thought about it, it shook him to the core. His partner died from AIDS in less than 2 years into their relationship and it broke his heart. He was hoping that it would last longer, that he would have time to spend with him but he didn’t and it destroyed him. Every time he thought about him, he would remember the song he dedicated to him. He would remember how he would sing it to him and watch as he listened during his last days. It made him happy to know he was so special. And when he took his last few breaths George watched, his painful movements. He cried, and observed them pronouncing him dead before taking him away. He knew that his heart was broken, and over the next few years he grieved, he was depressed. He could lie awake at night thinking about this, watching him, breathing. He’d think about how he use to have someone to cuddle up to and smile and laugh with. But now, he could only think about the warm embrace of the man he once loved. Between those few years of grieving, he had also lost his mother. This sent him into a downward spiral that he was almost unable to bring himself back from. He was in a slump, felt as if he was cursed, and it drove him mad. He knew he would find someone else, but than he knew he needed a break. These days, being here and thinking about things like this was hard for him. It made him uncomfortable and sick to his stomach. He sat in his bed, covering his face with both his hands as he let out small mewls and cries of pain. He wanted no one to hear him. George had spent most of the time in his room, because he didn’t want to break out in tears knowing that he hit his mark too early. At first his partner died before him, and now he was dead without his partner. But it wasn’t his fault and he knows it wasn’t, nonetheless, it still gave him chills to think about it. He knew this was something, dead or alive, he could never get over.

Avicii blinked and looked straight ahead, he was still in his room. It was empty, except a little bit of equipment and his bed. He remembered he was dead, that he was no longer home. He shook his head and brushed his hair back from his eyes. He dared not to say anything as he remembered the beautiful thought in his mind. He ‘made it big’ he thought to himself but sometimes he knew that “big” wasn’t big enough. He knew, that you could always be who you dreamed to be, but sometimes you couldn’t be more. And that was because they were holding you back, the company, the ones that “raised” you. It made him uncomfortable sometimes; the fame, the fortune, people screaming at him and occasionally stalking him. He didn’t like it, he hated a lot of it to be honest. Being rich, having money, was all good but there was something that was still bugging him. That’s why he quit making music, he knew he couldn’t take it. It was too much on him, it ruined him. His mental health deteriorated and he could feel himself slipping through the cracks. He remembered what he was saying one day on a tour bus, how his “music will be the death of him”, and it was. He mumbled to himself as he got up, and walked over to his equipment. He ran his fingers over the keys, taking it in, for what seemed like the first time in a while. Avicii took a deep breath in and sighed. He remembered what it was like playing in front of all his fans, it was fun. It was something he had actually enjoyed in this long stressful mes.

And he said, “Wake me up when it's all over.”

But the truth is it wasn’t going to be, until he took that last step that last breath. Tears started streaming down his cheeks as he swallowed. He didn’t want to remember that day anymore, how he took the wine bottle, how he ended it all so soon. But he couldn’t help but remember it. It hurt like hell, like the wound he sustained. The only difference was this one was emotional and he knew, that he couldn’t actually end it. He was happy it was all over, but at what cost? What did he have to give up to be free? Everything.

He chuckled to himself, and had a soft smile float onto his lips. “All this time I was finding myself, and I... didn't know I was lost…”

And they knew that it was all a daydream.

Taglist: @lennonwhipped @rogers-flowered-blazer @caviarandqueen @peacelennon @caminc91 @sweet-mother-love

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aili · 5 years

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Valentine’s Day Music Newlsetter 2019!

Welcome to the 13th Music Newsletter! Short intro for the newbies - I love music. I love sharing music with other people. In college I started a "music newsletter" email with some playlists (aka mixtapes) I've made and some song/band recommendations. Why Valentine's Day? Because I think this day should be about love in many ways - including love for music!

That brings us to today. The first Valentine's Day mixtape I put together was actually a physical mix CD that I mailed to my home friends while I was away at college. That was in 2008 (11 years ago!). A lot has changed since then, but my love of music has not. While I feel sometimes too busy or too old or too out of touch to know what I'm even talking about, I hope you'll get some enjoyment out of this - as much as I've been enjoying listening to these songs and picking them for you!

*Click here to download Valentine's Day 2019 mixtape!

Click here to play Valentine's Day 2019 on Spotify!

*Note that the file downloads as a zip file, double clicking on it to open it up should give you the individual songs. Then move the songs to iTunes into a playlist!

1.) "Happy Unhappy" - The Beths New Zealand indie rockers The Beths debut album, Future Me Hates Me, is full of catchy, energetic sad-twinged songs. This song feels like it could have come out back in the 00s when we had to find new music by reading blogs and actually downloading MP3s - it feels closer to the Garden State soundtrack era of indie than the recent moody electronic vibe. It's a lot of fun! Sounds like Courtney Barnett by way of The Wombats, with a splash of Los Campesinos.

2.) “City Looks Pretty” - Courtney Barnett Courtney’s 2018 album “Tell Me How You Really Feel” is only her second studio album, but somehow it feels like she’s been around forever. The album features a “fuller” sound and more production, which may appear dulled next to 2015’s “Sometimes I Sit and Think, and Sometimes I Just Sit.” However, I feel excited by Courtney exploring a more mature sound and think it accurately reflects the albums depressive theme. “Sometimes I get mad / it’s not all that bad” is sung with a definite apathy compared to her shout-singing past record. As the bridge settles in, Courtney captures the depression symptom of lack of interest in things you used to enjoy. The city looks pretty when you’ve been stuck inside isolated for two weeks. 3.) “Screwed” - Janelle Monáe feat. Zoë Kravitz Janelle’s 2018 album “Dirty Computer” is an anthology of songs (and truly, poetry) that tell of reckoning with being a queer woman of color in an oppressive, violent society. It’s an incredibly personal album with her fans in mind - “I want young girls, young boys, nonbinary, gay, straight, queer people who are having a hard time dealing with their sexuality, dealing with feeling ostracized or bullied for just being their unique selves, to know that I see you. This album is for you. Be proud.” (Rolling Stone, 2018). My favorite part of this song is “See, everything is sex / except sex / which is power / you know power is just sex / now ask yourself who’s screwing you.”

4.) "BAGDAD - Cap.7: Liturgia" - Rosalía 25-year-old Rosalía Vila Tobella from Catalonia has an excellent 2018 album El Mal Querer. The album combines traditional flamenco with modern R&B. The album is a story of love and heartbreak over the course of 11 chapters/songs. This particular one might sound familiar due to the sampling of Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me A River."

5.) "Gun" - St. Lucia St. Lucia's first release off of their 2018 album Hyperion caught my attention with its connection to a more traditional rock sound and the heavy-hitting, one-word title. The production and sound almost reminds me of Oasis or U2. Turns out that the album is indeed produced by someone who worked on records with PJ Harvey, Depeche Mode, and U2. In interviews, Jean-Philip Grobler talks about how this song is generally about both gun control and power. "You said you wanted to feel a gun in your hands" in Verse 1 transforms to "You said you wanted to feel the blood in your hands" in Verse 2, highlighting the fact that guns are designed to kill.

6.) “Apathy” - Frankie Cosmos With a catchy bass line, gorgeous lyrics, and endearing vocals, this song and entire album are not to be missed. As you may notice on this year’s playlist, this year I was super into what I would describe as punk-influenced, low-fi indie female vocalists. Pretentious enough for you? Haha. I just mean that there are a ton of young women blowing up in the indie music scene with a huge crossover in sound. As demonstrated in “Apathy,” many of these songs are short, lack a traditional pop music format, use low-fi production, and have a storytelling aspect of almost speak-singing. These elements are all found in traditional punk music, so it’s interesting and exciting to see these artists shaking things up and challenging the punk genre. Frankie Cosmos has a long history of creating music, under various projects using Bandcamp as a teenager. Her 2018 album “Vessel” is nothing short of delightful and another one of my favorites of the year. 7.) “Your Dog” - Soccer Mommy Soccer Mommy is Sophie Allison, singer-songwriter based out of Nashville. She opened for Paramore on their recent tour and she has launched into the indie music scene with a lot of attention in the past couple years. I love how her voice clearly carries so much anger as she sings about an emotionally abusive relationship. Her lyrics describe the agony of small, sweet gestures pushing her back to her ex, despite her wanting desperately to end it. Using the metaphor of being a loyal, sub-servient dog, she describes the way her SO treats her like she’s his property. Because the song lacks a traditional “pop” format (verse 1 / chorus / verse 2 / chorus / bridge / chorus), there is a sense of the story ending unresolved. Fortunately, she has an excellent album (one of my favorites) from 2018 called “Clean” where you can learn more of her story. 8.) “Pristine” by Snail Mail A stunning debut from 19-year-old Lindsey Jordan, “Lush” is a 2018 release not to miss. “Pristine” perfectly encapsulates teenage life and love - “it just feels like the same party every weekend. Doesn’t it?” There is such a sense of genuine hormonal angst that she is almost joyfully celebrating. Her album reads more like a diary - and how lucky she is to have these future memories and be able to approach them with such wisdom.

9.) "Uncomfortably Numb" - American Football feat. Hayley Williams Paying homage to Pink Floyd, legendary emo band American Football joins with Paramore's lead singer Hayley Williams for a devastating track about losing emotional sensation. "I blame my father in my youth / Now as a father, I blame the booze." I couldn't find too much information on the exact inspiration behind the track, but it's the second track released off their upcoming album out March 22nd. Hayley is usually front and center as a singer, and it's interested to hear her take more of a backing role, as well as explore a bit of a lower vocal range than she usually does.

10.) “Geyser” - Mitski Mitski absolutely killed it last year with “Be The Cowboy,” which was consistently rated not only in the top 5 best albums, not only top 3, but making MULTIPLE end of year lists as the number one album of 2018. It’s easy to see why, given the incredible breadth of music she wrote for her album. I see Mitski's influence reflected in the rise of fame in other punk-inspired female vocalists in the indie scene, building off her ability to capture the attention of a wide audience. Which is also very interesting because she incorporated elements of many other genres on this album (spot any disco on “Nobody”?) While it was difficult to pick one song for my playlist, “Geyser” stands out to me as not only an excellent album opener, but a fascinating look into Mitski’s own relationship with the art she creates. In an interview, she explains that this song is about her feeling like she has to create music because she would never be satisfied in life without it, but feeling sometimes stifled, stuck, and resentful when she puts music above basic needs such as her health and self-care. She needs her art to survive but it simultaneously kills her.

11.) “Me & My Dog” - boygenius It’s impossible to pick just one song of this album. Boygenius is the supergroup of Phoebe Bridgers, Lucy Dacus, and Julien Baker - who each could also have one of their incredible solo songs on my playlist. Partially because they enjoyed each other’s creative energies and partially as a response to constantly being compared to each other as “women in indie,” the trio came together to create an EP of emo-influenced, folk-inspired gorgeous tracks about grief, loneliness, identity, and heartbreak. This particular song features Phoebe Bridgers in the verses and is a beautiful representation of the embarrassing and frustrating feeling of being in love with an ex. Please check out the individual work of these artists too!

12.) "bless ur heart" - serpentwithfeet Serpentwithfeet, aka Josiah Wise, has a gorgeous, intimate voice throughout his 2018 debut album, soil. This song starts off with a question of how his art will be received by the world. The rest of the song is a tender message of gratitude to his first love. It seems like Josiah questioned the choice to speak about his experiences with his ex in such a public fashion - with complexities of privacy, being open about sexuality, and possible painful memories on the table. Josiah's writing is very much like poetry, and his raw, unfiltered, un-autotuned vocals match the beauty of his words.

13.) "Bury A Friend" - Billie Eilish 17-year-old Billie Eilish is set to release her debut album, When We Sleep, Where Do We Go? next month. This song matches her goth aesthetic with a creepy story from the perspective of the monster under the bed. We learn that the monster is part of Billie herself, who is struggling with her own demons. 14.) "Loading Zones" - Kurt Vile A gorgeous guitar track, Kurt Vile paints a picture of his hometown Philadelphia and feeling on top of the world exploring his city's streets. He included a hilarious marketing strategy of sending fake parking tickets to fans in the mail to promote the song. Kurt Vile talks about the metaphor of "I park for free," which is how he sometimes lives his life - breaking the dumb rules because it's his life, his streets, his town. 15.) "Dylan Thomas" - Better Oblivion Community Center Is it possible to already be nostalgic for the late 2000's? Conor Oberst and Phoebe Bridgers released this surprise collaboration last month and this is the standout track for me. Conor Oberst's incredibly recognizable voice is hard to match in terms of strength, timbre, and uniqueness. While Bridgers is young enough to be from a different generation than him (she also grew up listening to Oberst's music), he saw something in her that resonated with him. I love how they sing in unison on this track (and much of the album) and think their voices sound really good together.

16.) "Butterflies" - Kacey Musgraves Kacey Musgraves is bringing a breath of fresh air to country. After self-releasing three albums, she tried her hand at reality TV through Nashville Star over a decade ago. Golden Hour is her fourth album using a record label, and she just won Album of the Year at the Grammys! Her voice is beautiful and has an earnest, authentic approach in joining elements of country pop.

17.) “Prior Things” - Hop Along “Bark Your Head Off, Dog” is Hop Along’s third album, released in 2018. Singer/songwriter Frances Quinlan has the ability to transform the themes of her songs. Layered with a multitude of different sounds and instruments, it could easily sound scattered and busy, but instead feels like we are huddled around a campfire with an enthusiastic, stream-of-consciousnesses storyteller. “Prior Thing” is the last song on the album and crosses time, space, and memories with the start of a hallucinogenic drug trip. She has the ability to take a phrase and transform the expected - pausing or elongating notes at unexpected places. This method keeps you invested in figuring out what the song is really about or what the conclusion is. 18.) "Kids" - Pup Emo/pop punkers Pup have a new album Morbid Stuff coming out on April 5th. Their songs are made for live shows - shouting/singing alternates, sing-a-long catchy lyrics reminiscent of the Hold Steady, and unison whole-band lines. Pup frontman Stefan Babcock said this song is about finding someone who agrees with your view of the world being a fucked up place, and enjoying small moments of solace in spending time with them.

SPOTIFY

Don't forget to subscribe to my playlists on Spotify! Here is the link to listen to this year's mixtape on Spotify.

I try to add new songs at least once a week to this playlist: What I'm currently lovin' (updated freq)

-----

I hope you guys enjoy the new music and feel free to send me recommendations of anything you like!<3 aili

Previous Mixtapes:

Autumn Love mix | Autumn Love Spotify

Copenhagen mix | Copenhagen Spotify

Valentine's Day downbeat 2010

Valentine's Day upbeat 2010

Valentine's Day 2011

Philadelphia mix | Philadephia Spotify

New Crime mix | New Crime Spotify

The City mix | The City Spotify

Drive mix | Drive Spotify

Valentine's Day 2012 | VDay 2012 Spotify

King's Myth mix | King's Myth Spotify

Hold On mix | Hold On Spotify

Valentine's Day 2013 | Vday 2013 Spotify

Valentine's Day 2014 | Vday 2014 Spotify

Valentine's Day 2015 | Vday 2015 Spotify

Valentine's Day 2016 | Vday 2016 Spotify

Valentine's Day 2017| Vday 2017 Spotify

Valentine's Day 2018 | Vday 2018 Spotify

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louis-sottficrec · 6 years

Text

Fluff

Just A Flower Boy by Larryruinedme, 70k.

CUTE, FLUFF, YES.

Summary: Harry Styles is a clumsy, flower crown-wearing, openly gay junior with only two true friends, Niall and Zayn. Louis Tomlinson is the school's attractive, straight football captain, with a small body and a big personality. As fate will have it, Harry has a huge, unrequited, utterly hopeless crush on Louis. Fate is thrown out the window the day that Harry and Louis find themselves partnered up for a history project. Harry starts to receive notes from a secret admirer, Louis starts to get jealous of Harry's budding friendship with senior Nick Grimshaw, Zayn and Liam develop a thing for each other, and Niall is the best mate anyone could have asked for. And suddenly, Harry's crush on Louis doesn't seem so utterly hopeless anymore.

You’ll Never Know by inmyrosegarden, 56k.

Again, the fluffiest of fluffiest fics. You might want to select ‘entire work’ as I felt that it read a bit smoother that way.

Summary: Louis is the overachiever who’s too shy to approach the boy he likes. Harry is the popular athlete who tries to help him get the attention of said boy. Little does Harry know that he’s the one Louis is crushing on.

Before I Fall Too Fast by xxSterre, 6k.

Summary: ‘Hey Lou, want to hang out after work? Order in some curry?’ He’s slightly surprised, because, well. “Didn’t you just say you had plans?” Harry’s cheeks flush as he shrugs it off. ‘I just wanted them off my back. Truth is I’m gonna be terribly single and alone, but I thought we could be single and alone together - maybe we could make a proper night off of it? Play some FIFA, watch Grease...’ He trails off with an impish grin, and Louis is pretty sure that his own face shows just how easy he is for his favourite musical. “Fine, I can’t say no to Danny and Sandy. That’d be mean of me.” It’s probably a really bad idea to spend Valentine’s Day with the guy that you’re actually crushing on, Louis knows that. However, it’s also really hard to say no to spending the most romantic day of the year - supposedly - with the one guy you’ve been crushing on for almost a year.

Shy Eyes by isthatyoularry, 2k.

I’m a sucker for coffee shop au’s, so this is just 2k of pure fluff, it’s cute.

Summary: Coffee Shop AU where Harry is 21 and famous and he has been in love since the moment he saw those cerulean blue eyes.

Four Letters, Seven Points by LibbyWrites, 20k.

Coffee shop and scrabble makes for the perfect fluff fic!

Summary: Louis was pretty sure that a nerd who plays Scrabble as a hobby could only be boredom personified. Harry proved him utterly wrong.

Apples Always Fall (As I Do For You) by rainbowsandgucci, 54k.

This has created even higher reaching expectations of the dream life. I want to live on this apple orchard and fall in love now.

Summary: ”Due to unforeseen circumstances, help is needed here at the orchard for the impending apple season. Looking for someone able to start within the next week or two at the most, is willing to do whatever miscellaneous tasks are needed, such as picking & packing apples, running the cash register, and other handywork that may need to be done. Must be good with customers, and able to lift up to 50lbs. Help will be needed until at the least the end of October. Please contact the number found on this page, or come out to the orchard and ask for Harry. All the love xx” Louis is staying at his Aunt's farm in a small town in Minnesota for four months. To deal with the boredom that sets in a week into his stay, he starts working at the local apple orchard, owned by twenty six year old Harry Styles. Louis quickly finds himself falling in love with the orchard, and he finds a family in Harry's friends Niall, Liam, and Zayn. He also starts to fall in love with Harry. Falling in love with him turns out to be the easy part.

Make It Everlasting So Nothing’s Incomplete by supernope, 9k.

Flowershop and lots of Valentine’s fluff, what more can a person ask for..

Summary: Trying to be conspicuous so he doesn’t startle him, Harry sidles up to Louis and asks, “How’s it going?” “Alright,” Louis muses, turning his head so he can smile at Harry. “I wish there were explanations about what each of the flowers mean on labels or something, though.” A thrill runs up Harry’s spine, and he can’t quite temper the grin that spreads across his face as he asks, “Well, I could tell you, if you’d like?” “Oh, only if you have time, I don’t want to keep you away from your work -” “Louis,” Harry laughs, gesturing around the empty shop. “There is nobody here and, as luck would have it, there is literally nothing I would like more than to talk to you about flowers.”

i’ll bring the bread because boy, you’re the jam by snagnetism, 8k.

Summary: Just when he’s about to stop clicking the next button and claim defeat, maybe put some posters up around town, he’s met with a picture of white cardstock lying on a table, words written in black Sharpie with careful, deliberate strokes. “Hiiii,” it reads, “if you’re reading this, you’ve found my camera! I’d love it if you could contact me so I can get it back. It’d be the nice thing to do.” Or the AU where Harry loses his camera. Louis finds it. They fall for each other via email.

Blend into my favourite colour by rainbowninja167, 19k.

Very fluffy and lots of pining between two (or four) oblivious boys.

Summary: Harry often wonders if they’ll ever meet in real life. And if Harry will recognize Tommo the instant they see each other, like somehow their souls will just know. Or maybe Harry’s soul is shouting “Louis!” too loudly for any other signals to go through. Harry is a barista with a secret Werewolf High fan blog, a desperate crush on a customer named Louis, and a best friend on Tumblr who always makes him laugh. Louis can't figure out why the barista at his favorite coffee shop keeps creepily staring at him, and to make matters worse, he may be slightly in love with a friend he met online. A love square involving two boys, one TV fandom, and one food fight.

Found My Missing Piece by styleandsin, 16k.

Very cute and fluffy bloggers AU. Lots of pining, ergo lots of goodness.

Summary: ‘“@harrystyles followed you.” “@harrystyles liked your tweet.” “What?” He whispers in astonishment, because there’s no way. But he clicks on Harry’s profile and sure enough, the little grey “follows you” appears by his name. After taking a second to just stare at the screen, he quickly takes a screenshot and sends it to his sister. Lottie is one of the few people who would understand his shock. Niall would certainly just make fun of him for it.’ Louis and Harry are both fashion bloggers. Louis' been following Harry for years. Harry and his blog really gave him the confidence and the push to make his own. His sister and best friend have been making fun of his silly little crush on him ever since. But that's all it is, a silly, harmless crush because there is no way Harry knows who he is. Or does he?

Both Sides by louiesunshine, 10k.

Two oblivious friends = a lot of pining.

Summary: ‘“What’s one thing that Harry doesn’t know about you and that you wish to tell him?” Oh, fuck. This is just fantastic, if Louis learns that Niall and Liam purposely threw this question for him, they are going to wish they never met him. Because of course there is something he wishes to tell Harry, but he can’t. He can’t because he’d run the chance of ruining their friendship and that cannot happen.’ Or, the one where Louis has been in love with Harry for years and hasn't told him. However, his friends Liam and Niall maybe provide the little push that he needs.

Not the Desperate Type by lululawrence, 6k.

Summary: “First of all, I’d like to tell you how disturbing it is that you’re this familiar with your neighbor’s sex life,” Liam said, amusement lacing his tone. “Fuck off,” Louis said, laughing. “Second, that is really very sad. How bad is the stomping? Are you sure your neighbor doesn’t like it fast like that?” “With the amount of cleaning the guy does, I think he’s taking out his sexual frustration on the cleanliness of his apartment. I can’t imagine the guy makes enough mess to require daily vacuuming.” It sounded like the guy was actually moving furniture above him as he was sweeping now. Damn. Did Louis miss the seven minutes in heaven or was the guy angry because he didn’t even get that much pleasure today? “I’m kinda afraid with the amount of noise he produces while cleaning that one day I’m gonna look up through my ceiling and be able to see him.” “Tell him we wish him a better sex life and that we’re rooting for him if you do.” Or the one where Louis' neighbor has a series of unfortunately short sexual experiences and Louis can hear every. Single. One.

Slow Hands (Slow Days) by LadeLondonderry, 9k.

So much fluff and animals and oblivious boys!

Summary: Louis Tomlinson is the new vet hired on at Payne Veterinary Practice, in the middle of the Yorkshire countryside with nothing but rolling hills and farms for miles. Harry Styles is a resident farmer, with pigs and sheep and beautiful green pasture and a, confusingly, completely empty milking parlour. Maybe Louis is putting too much thought into this, but he really, really thinks Harry should have cows. And Harry really, really seems to disagree.

In the end I started thinking about the beginning by infinitelymint, 21k.

I had tears filling my eyes at the end of this.

Summary: When Louis returned from Malaysia to attend his best mate Zayn's wedding, he hadn't expected their wedding planner to be Harry Styles. Over the next two weeks Louis learns that maybe staying in one place permanently isn't so bad, as long as you have someone to stay with.

Warm Me Like Sunshine by rainbowslovehl, 45k.

Not strictly, but it was very cute and warmed me up inside. Recommendation: read with a good cup of tea and a cozy blanket (extra: include fairy lights).

Summary: The pictures weren’t as surprising since Louis had seen him around with a giant camera hanging off his neck, and occasionally clicking passersby. What surprised him were the written parts, occasionally spread out between his photos. They ranged from random song lyrics, a few of which he recognised, mixed in with quotes, that he claimed he wrote himself. They were haikus or poems, mainly about love and longing for someone. And of course he wrote poetry, Louis shouldn’t be surprised. He did seem to be the type of person who are just perfect in every aspect. Or alternatively, Louis accidentally discovers that Harry, the boy who he likes, has a tumblr account. He thinks it’s a chance to talk to him online without actually talking, getting to know him before they converse in real life. But things don’t go according to the plan when he finds that Harry is pining over someone who seems to be perfect. It gets worse when Harry starts talking to him in real life as well, since now he has to hide from him that his online friend (Tommo) is the same as his real life friend (Louis).

Force of Nature by Holdmyhalo, 25k.

Cue the tears people, this will have you sobbing when the applause starts.

Summary:Louis is a shy, young musician who doesn't want to go to Harvard. Harry is a confident, second year athlete who likes to have a good time. When their paths cross while their families are vacationing at the same lake resort, what begins as a summer of fun becomes a defining journey that might just change everything.

Check Please by zedi, 2k.

Sugary sweet.

Summary: Louis has a shit date. Harry offers to cover the bill. They maybe fall in love.

Whether Clouds or Clear Skies by onewasturning, 25k.

Summary: “You, young Harold, are a baker among curry houses and vintage clothing stores,” Louis says, and it forces a bark of surprised laughter out of Harry. “I’m a— sorry, what?” “Harry,” Louis says, “last night I had an experience bordering on profound.” “You’re making it sound like you did something sexual with my muffin,” Harry says. Or, Louis gets into the habit of stealing baked goods while Harry’s busy keeping tabs on the weather.

Tis The Season For… Love? by AFangirlFantasy, 27k.

Summary: Harry seems to have it all: A successful career as a pastry chef, a Victorian home in London, and a dedicated boyfriend who he's been with for years. One day he stops by his boyfriend's apartment to surprise him and finds out that he's not so dedicated to Harry after all. Shocked and too depressed to celebrate, he decides to skip Christmas and on a whim leaves on a plane to New York. In New York he meets Louis… Or...Louis might just be what Harry's needed all along. (cheating, not HL)

Learning To Eat by photo41, 28k.

A lot of fun and cheekiness.

Summary: Celebrity chef Louis Tomlinson has a problem. He’s opening his first restaurant in 9 weeks, and he has yet to hire a pastry chef- apparently people think he’s ‘standoffish’ and ‘rude’ and ‘quick to temper’. Whatever. He ends up saddled with an annoying, happy-go lucky rookie who also happens to be obnoxiously good looking. His tv presenter and pop star best friends only add to the drama, and for fucks sake would everyone please stop quoting Julia Child?! Kitchen AU where Harry helps Louis re-learn how to eat. (METAPHORICALLY)

This Wicked Game by cherrystreet, 70k.

I’m not sure where to put this fic, category-wise, but it is pretty fluffy with a little ‘angst’. You’ll understand what I mean if you read it.

Summary: An AU in which The Bachelor is gay, Louis is a contestant, Harry is the bachelor, everyone drinks a lot of champagne, the entire world gets to watch them fall in love, and no one plays by the rules.

Don’t Unplug Me Or Shut Me Down by slashter, 7k.

Summary: Louis scowls. "He's a photography student. He works with gorgeous models and probably breaks hearts with his smile. I'm a nerd. I earn my money fixing broken crap, and for some stupid reason, I like it. He wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, he's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers, et cetera, et cetera." Louis sighs. "I swear, the coolest thing I've ever done is wear contacts." Basically, Louis is a self-proclaimed nerd who fixes things and Harry seems too perfect to keep breaking as many things as he does.

#fic rec #my fic rec list #larry fic rec #fluff #larry fluff #hl fluff

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riyuyami · 6 years

Note

You still doing drabbles tonight? How about the Big Moment. Well, the second biggest moment -compared to Yuugi and Atemu actually getting together- what about when Atemu finds out Yuugi's the author?

I was hoping someone would ask me this.

–

The panel and book signing was making Yugi want to scream.

He could clearly see Atemu in the audience, sitting there with a pleased smile on his face, holding his copy of the new book, amongst the sea of people who were happily listening to Yugi stammer through his answers.

He changed his voice for these things anyway, but he really hoped his voice wouldn’t be picked up by Atemu so quickly, the book signing was after the Q and A, and he knew Atemu wanted an autograph. Hell, the guy hadn’t shut up about it for three days now.

He had been saddened when Yugi rejected his offer to go with him, he pulled some dumb excuse out of the air, saying he had to do something at work, and sadly couldn’t attend. Atemu perked up and said he’d get a signed copy for Yugi, he’d buy the book for him and everything!

Bless his sweet, dumb heart…

“Uh, yes, you, in the back.” Mai pointed out to the red head, and Yugi inwardly screamed. God damnit! He KNEW she was gonna take Atemu’s question sooner or later!

Atemu happily stood up, looking blissfully unaware of the truth before him. “Mr. Hakim, I’m a huge fan of your work, and it was an honor to do the promotional art for the release.” There were murmurs from the others in the audience at this. “I just want to say thank you, for everything, for your wonderful books, the amazing characters, and the fact that your stories are what brought me and my crush closer. He’d be here today, but he had work, so I came on my own and on his behalf. I’m sure he’d be gushing over your new book with me if he was here right now.”

Yugi gulped, but smiled. Those were such sweet words, and… heh, crush, wow, boy, he’d love to be more than that… but he was so scared of how Atemu would react. Yugi had never told him the truth, and they’ve known each other for months…! He felt like shit.

“You’re welcome, I’m glad that you and your crush are such big fans. I hope that you continue to enjoy the series, and that I wish the best for you. Oh, and thank you very much for the beautiful art.” Yugi gestured to the poster to his left. “I adore it greatly, you captured the heartbreak on Heba’s face perfectly.”

Yugi was shocked that he kept himself in check, cause wow, he really felt like Heba right now. He just wanted to run away and spare himself the trouble.

Atemu smiled sweetly and nodded, sitting down.

The questions went on for a while, and soon the book signing began. Yugi noticed that Atemu seemed to linger in the back of the line, strange, he thought he’d be the first one up at the table to get his book signed.

It took over twenty minutes for Yugi to sign and chat with everyone before he got to the last person, the red-eyed man who had waited the longest. “Good afternoon.” Yugi smiled, trying to keep his fake voice going.

Atemu shifted on his feet, gently placing two books down. “Could you sign one for me, and one for my friend? Please? I know the rules on say one item to be signed, but I’m sure he’d love to have your autograph.”

‘It would be me signing my own work.’ Yugi thought, but he nodded anyway. “Sure, heh, I won’t tell anyone.” He took one book and signed his pen name. He even drew his little triangle necklace design. “Okay, that’s for you. And now-” He reached for the second, but Atemu put his hand on Yugi’s own.

Yugi tensed up, blushing deeply as he looked up at Atemu, who seemed to be staring at him hard. “That necklace…” Atemu spoke softly, looking at the golden charm around Yugi’s neck. Instinctively, Yugi clutched the string.

“It looks… a lot like my friend’s.” Carefully, Atemu reached out and touched the charm, lifting it up slightly to look at it. “Yugi said it’s one of a kind, that it’s ironic that it looks like Heba’s…”

The room suddenly felt very small and lacking in air as Yugi stared up at Atemu with wide eyes. “… Y-?”

The table hit Atemu in the stomach and he wheezed as Yugi shot up out of his chair and ran. “W-wait…!” Atemu gasped, watching the author run away from the small corner of the bookstore they were in.

Yugi ran through the many aisles, trying to make sure Atemu couldn’t spot him, he knew the artist was following him! He got to the back, to the section where reference books and language manuals were kept, and panted hard. Shit, shit, shit…! Of course Atemu would recognize his necklace! How could he be so stupid to wear it today of all days?!

He groaned and slid to the floor, leaning against a book case. No one was around, no one really seemed to pay much attention to him, he was alone…

“There you are!”

Well, not anymore.

He looked over at the man who had stage whispered at him, seeing a panting Atemu standing at the end of the aisle. “Y-Yugi… is that really you?”

“…” With a heavy sign, Yugi pulled the wig off his head, shaking his hair out to get it out of the clumps it was in from the wig cap. Atemu gasped and slowly approached.

“You’re… you’re the author of Millennium World…?”

Yugi nodded, letting out a dry laugh. “Yeah, I’m Abdo Hakim, the writer of the most successful history-magic-based gay novel series on the market.”

“But… but how? I mean… is this a joke?”

He shook his head. “No, I’ve always been the writer. I just… don’t use my name or let people know.”

“You… didn’t bother to tell me?”

Yugi saw that Atemu looked conflicted, almost looking as if he was a kicked puppy. He felt panic flair up in his chest and he stood up quickly, approaching Atemu. He gently cupped his face, looking down at him with a soft frown. “I didn’t want to tell you… cause I was scared of how you’d react. I didn’t want you hating me for being the writer, or worshiping me because I write your favorite books. I just… wanted you to like me for me, as Yugi, not as Abdo… I wanted you to like the guy who wears leather in the summer, and sings ABBA in the shower, and who can’t cook but still tried to make you a nice dinner anyway…”

“Yugi, partner, I like you.” Atemu spoke up, a small smile coming to his face. “I liked you the moment I saw you, you captivated my attention, even before I knew a damn thing about you. I’m a little upset that you didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth, but I understand where you’re coming from. I rave about your books all the time, hell, you’ve seen what I’ve drawn, and my weird comments online… and my headcanons. But still, I don’t care if you’re the author, it’s just another piece of you that makes me really, really like you. And I already really, really like you!”

Yugi blinked, his cheeks feeling warm. “So, I’m still your crush?”

“Yugi, you’ve BEEN my crush since the moment you held up that cookie plate at my doorstep.” He leaned in close, placing a gently kiss to Yugi’s cheek. “You being Abdo just makes things a bit more interesting for our relationship.” He smirked.

Blinking again, Yugi snorted and started to chuckle, leaning against the smaller man as he wrapped his arms around him. “You nearly gave me a heart attack. How could you do this to me, I’m an old man.”

“You’re only a month older than me!”

“I’m still an old man, you doof.” He huffed Atemu close, letting out a sigh. “Sorry about hitting you with the table, you okay?”

“Not the worst thing to hit me in the stomach, trust me, Bakura has a mean left hook.”

Yugi chuckled again, sighing softly as he continued to hug onto Atemu. “You didn’t have to buy me a copy of my book, you know.”

“I had to, you weren’t coming today. Are you still gonna want the signature or is that just a stupid thing to ask?”

He got a loud snort and laugh in reply.

#yugioh #puzzleshipping #in plain sight #yugi mutou #Atem #atemu #john's drabbles #norealgoodbyes

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afangirlsplaylist · 7 years

Text

Dear Rhett and Link,

As a kingdom of Mythical Beasts, we (particularly your LGBTQQIA fans and allies) wanted to thank you for choosing the Trevor Project for Gifticality this month. So several of us have written to let you know what it means to see you supporting LGBTQ people.

“I think of all the young LGBTQQIA Mythical Beasts who just saw two people they admire say “you’re wonderful the way you are.” I imagine how much it may mean to a young person who doesn’t have anyone else in their lives who support them for who they are. You just offered them light in a world that can often be dark. Thank you. <3″

- @mythosethan

“I haven’t identified or accepted myself as bisexual for very long. I’m lucky enough to come from a family I know would accept me but I’m still partly closeted because I’m not ready to say anything yet. Through your show, I’ve talked to so many other Mythical Beasts that are LGBTQ too, and I’ve really been able to be myself. So one day soon I think I will be able to come out fully - thanks to you guys and your fans. It means the world to me that you’ve done this.”

- Simone, @afangirlsplaylist

“It took me so long to accept myself as bisexual. When I was in high school in the early 2000’s there was little to no representation of the LGBTQ community in the media and almost no place to find genuine, caring support. I felt alone. I know that there are a lot of teens and young adults that watch your show and many of them are probably going through something like I did. I want to thank you for openly supporting the community and giving us two smiling, friendly faces to remind us we matter.”

- @survivormind

“I barely recognize myself, but it’s a good thing. I was in fifth grade when I realized I was bisexual, but I hated it. I was raised in a conservative, Christian home. My parents and community were not overtly homophobic, but it was understood that it was a sin, that it was unnatural. So I suppressed my feelings and explained them away whenever they would resurface over the years in response to a crush or a fantasy, chalking it up to confused feelings.

I married a good Christian man, and I loved him. I still do. But for the first time in my life, I’ve begun to accept who I am in a way I never allowed myself before. I don’t hate my life. But it’s painful to know I didn’t give myself the chance to learn more about myself when I was still free to do so. Now I don’t know if I’ll ever get that chance.

I was able to adapt, but I know not everyone has that luxury. Being bi rather than gay made me able to just focus on my attraction to men and try to ignore the other part of me, but that wasn't the healthiest way to handle it, and neither is it something every LGBTQ+ person can or should do in the face of adversity. Your support shows that you see us, and it gives more people the courage to not hide themselves like I did. I wish I could go back and have that courage sooner.

- Gwen

“Hi! I am asexual, akoiromantic, and genderqueer. Nothing in my life has made me feel better than figuring those things out. When I found out not only that asexuality was a thing, but that there were others who were like me, it felt like a pressure I didn’t even know was there was lifted. I wasn’t weird or a freak. And when I finally realized that I didn’t have to live in a binary that made me feel small, I couldn’t sleep from excitement. So for me and all my siblings, thank you so much.”

- Erika, @one-true-houselight

”I went to high school in southeastern Illinois in the 80s and that was not a safe place to come out. So no one ever did. The people I graduated with that have since come out had such a hard time, the Trevor Project would have been amazing for them to reach out to. My kids and their friends fall in the age range the Trevor Project supports and I am so grateful they have much better resources than my friends did. Thanks, Rhett and Link for letting people know there is a safe place for them.”

- @mousehill83

“Recently, I needed to become more of a big sister as I learned that I needed to protect my trans brother from my parents and the transphobic and homophobic people in the world. Knowing you guys - R and L and the crew, support this and also introduced me to this charity, brings me joy. It’s not just knowing that you guys support this charity, but also learning how there are so many sources out there to help and support my brother and others. So thank you.”

- Anonymous

“Growing up in a conservative American family, I knew nothing about anything LGBT. Then I started learning about it from the internet as a teenager. I wanted to be accepting and ended up labeling myself as the most outlandish and accepting thing I could find: pansexual and trans. I don’t know if I am those anymore, but I am grateful for the LGBT community being accepting of anything. It means a lot to me to see allies like Rhett and Link supporting an LGBT charity like this.”

- Anonymous

“I’m so happy that they picked an LGBT+ organization, especially for Pride Month, it shows not only support to the people that they are helping with the money, but it also shows support to other LGBT people out there, the international Mythical Beasts as myself, I can’t be prouder of R&L (I’ve always been proud, but this hits home and I can’t help but feel personally loved by them)”

- Anonymous

Dear Rhett, Link and Crew.

“Thank you for making The Trevor Project the charity for giftacality this month. It warms my heart to know you are fellow allies against bigotry and hate. To some it might seem like a quiet, small gesture but it speaks volumes, and makes me proud to call myself a Mythical Beast.”

Love, - Liz, @613liz

“Re: the Trevor Project- it is great to learn this organization exists to help and provide crisis intervention for this specific group of dear young people (people who face a frighteningly high risk of harm in this world). Kudos to Mythical Entertainment for supporting them and for spreading the word!”

from, - honestly a random Christian dinosaur

“It brought a smile to my face when The Trevor Project was revealed as this months GMM charity of choice. I myself am not LGBTQ+ but I love and support the community with all my heart, so the fact that Rhett and Link are outwardly showing their support and donating to The Trevor Project makes me extremely happy.”

- Anonymous

“For the Trevor Project- as a semi-closeted bisexual woman who fears losing family if I fully come out, and as someone with a serious mental illness and past suicide attempts, this hit my feels. To know that two people I admire greatly are supportive of my community in this way and are trying to address a serious issue like LGBTQIA suicide means so much. Thank you, Rhett and Link, for standing up and saying you support the community like this. I’m sure it will save lives.”

- @elloellerose

“It means so much that ME has chosen to donate to the Trevor Project. This is not just you donating to an amazing and important organization. It is you showing that you and your brand stand up for everybody’s right to be who they are and to love whoever they want. Something that should be a matter of course but sadly isn’t. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for contributing to making the world a better place for me and my lbtq+ friends and family. I am proud to call myself a mythical beast.”

- @mythicalpatterns

“I grew up in an environment where I was different from everyone else. My family and most of my friends are conservative and I couldn’t be who I was when I was a kid/teen. As a mythical beast, this made me happy to know I am welcomed as I am here and showing support means a lot to me.”

Thank you, - a 30-year-old bisexual man

“I just want to say how proud I am to call myself a Mythical Beast when our leaders are being THEIR mythical best by supporting such an important cause. It shouldn’t be controversial to do so, but it is. It may be a small gesture, but it means something huge.”

- @whilhelminaprince

“Thank you so much for supporting an LGBTQ+ charity. It means more than you know to countless Mythical Beasts to know that you two support us and view us worthy of your attention and love. I am so gracious and thankful.”

- Anonymous

“The support for The Trevor Project makes me so happy. 🌈💗👬👭”

- @rileyrooin

“Ever since I was young I knew something was off, I just didn’t know what. As I got older I started looking at boys, but not because I was into them, I wanted to BE them. I told my closest friend, who was extremely supportive, then one year later I wrote a letter to my mum before school explaining everything. Now at school, my name and gender have been changed. I’m proud to be transgender. :)”

- @linklovesrhett

@loulougoingsolo left a message here

Thank you @rhettandlink !

#rhett and link

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