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cloudbrooksblog · 7 months

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my misinformation journey (lmao)

When i was like 11 or 12, I was watching a movie with my sisters. I'd recently watched a Cinema Sins video on the movie. I parroted things that were said in the video.

My sister pointed this out. She said, "you got that from a Cinema Sins video, didn't you?"

I was intensely embarrassed, so much that I still think about it. Of course, I'm 17, so it was relatively recent, and also parroting other people word for word is cringe, but it's also because I attempted to deny it. And later on, I couldn't figure out why it was wrong. If I saw the flaw after he pointed it out, why is it bad to make the same comment? I can see that he was right, even if I hadn't watched the movie on my own before that. Even if I hadn't double-checked, he presented the evidence to me.

I was evaluating my actions in a flawed way. Obviously, there's something annoying about someone pointing out petty flaws in something you're just trying to enjoy. In the Helluva Boss fandom, I've learned that. But it's also flawed in a way that's extremely important once you bring it to a more serious context.

Near the start of this year (2023) I was in an online discussion, in the comments of a Youtube community post. There was a meme about Hamilton (the musical), and I recalled my sister saying the creator of the musical (Lin-Manuel Miranda) was white. I parroted this without double-checking. If you'll see my profile picture, this was insane of me. I left the situation only halfway learning the lesson, but at least I didn't argue with people calling out my bullshit that time, and at least I apologised. I'm saying this as a personal acknowledgement of my growth since 12 years old, but compared to the bare minimum there's no silver lining. It's a flaw of mine that still needs work to this day. Speaking of which...

Talking out of your ass/bluffing is a thing that's easy to spot in others, especially if you disagree with them or are more knowledgeable about the subject than they are. I said that while talking out of my ass. I have one singular example of this from a podcast I recently watched where Fredrik Knudsen (documentarian) went onto the Official Podcast and fact-checked one of the hosts, who was being extremely judgemental, speaking about subjects that Fredrik knows tons about, and also was being extremely disrespectful to Fredrik the entire time via interrupting him. He also used the word "schizophrenic" as an insult. Remember that.

It was easy to spot then, but that's because it was an extreme example with a (hyperbolically) fact-checking expert present. I can't think of other examples off the top of my head, and I'm not going to check. I think a better framing would be to point at that situation as one single example of this flaw being fatal, rather than using it to generalise, unless I plan on checking. I'm trying to get better at it, but this post isn't just a personal benchmark, I promise.

I watched a video about AI by a relatively small Youtube creator named Jimmy McGee today. I absorbed the information without really thinking about it. I already mostly agreed with him, and what I didn't agree with him about I was simply neutral on and/or uninformed about. In the comments of a video called "The Dream of the Internet", there's someone using the word "schizophrenic" as an insult; an awkward synonym for the word "batshit". I also recently saw it being used as an insult by the previously mentioned podcaster, and overheard it being used as one while out in public. This is more frequent use than I'm used to witnessing. I wanted to make a post about it. I connected it to the way Andrew Tate and Sneako have undeniably made an impact in our culture already-- According to the viral video of teenage Sneako fans, and some vague anecdotes about Tate fans being numerous and loud. There's nothing wrong with believing individual anecdotes, but there's something wrong with basing a portion of your worldview on them, in my opinion.

The fear of mind control-- of algorithms designed to keep you glued to your screen-- is brought out in me by these anecdotes. It was almost certainly created by them, I reckon. I connected these fears and anecdotes with some final parts of McGee's AI video, and suddenly there's a fully-formed opinion: "Casual ableism is becoming more common because ableist people are getting popular online-- all because of the algorithms that want you glued to their sites".

It's an unnuanced, reactionary opinion. I'm glad I caught myself. This flaw of mine is something I started thinking about vaguely after the Hamilton thing, because I TRUSTED my sister, and I was CERTAIN she told me that, but it was also put at the forefront of my mind after seeing the podcast episode where a host got continuously spotted talking out of his ass in a way that's extremely easy for anyone to do, especially myself. Even though I'm against cringe culture, extremely left-leaning, etc, I still talk out of my ass like Alex Jones does. I steadily work on it, slowly, and now that there was an example where I caught myself BEFORE posting, I thought I'd make a post analysing myself. Thank you to anyone who read this. Pls don't roast me too hard about it LOL

#not actually word vomit this time #i proofread this shit #does this count as an essay /j #tw ableist language #i know i mentioned being 17 in the paragraph before i mentioned being in the helluva boss fandom. what can i say? i live on the edge #if you want me to answer for it just shoot me an ask i guess #misinformation #social commentary #im not that proud of the post or the fact i did any of these actions #im proud of myself for explaining it. for having the words #It's going to get a singular note #and thatll be fine #im literally overexplaining myself so hard rn #im gonna stop typing before i make your brain EXPLODE /lh #personal

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steves-strapcollection · 11 months

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47. “When I picture myself happy… It’s with you.” 💕💕

YES! I'm still working on asks from THIS ask game, and I absolutely will be happy to receive more (since I'm using these prompts as exercises to write short shit without context to overcome my pathological need to write So Much Context)

[ NOW ON AO3 ]

There was something distinctly heartbreaking about playing wingman for the guy who made you believe in the entire concept of soulmates, Eddie thinks as he leans against the trunk of Steve Harrington's Beemer. It's not even that he thinks they're soulmates, but what the dude has with Robin is really convincing. And maybe Eddie is pretty sure Steve is his soulmate, even platonically, even if that thought makes his pining ass want to vomit.

He refuses to pine after a straight man for eternity, and yet...

What's stupid is that Eddie is a shit wingman, so it doesn't even make sense that Steve keeps taking him out with him to bars and shit. Half the women that wanted to even approach Steve were afraid of Eddie, and the other half were fucking mean to him which lost Steve's favour immediately which... hey, Eddie couldn't complain too much about that.

But still, that meant that Steve was striking out every single time and Eddie was feeling bad about it because he was happy about it. He got to spend a whole evening with Steve and sometimes they would spend the night together because Eddie's place was closer and Steve was too tired to drive all the way home. Eddie could pretend this was a real date, that Steve Harrington was dating him.

Jesus H. Christ, he was pathetic.

Steve sighs next to him. "Why is this so hard?" he asks, and at Eddie's questioning look, Steve elaborates, "Dating, getting laid, whatever you wanna call it?"

Eddie huffs a laugh, and shrugs. "Well, I mean, I think I've got it worse in that department, Stevie," he mutters, taking a drag of his cigarette. Steve's known about him being gay for months now, which makes it even more wild that the man still shared a bed with him and took him out to bars almost every Friday night. Tossing his cigarette onto the asphalt and stubbing it out with his boot, Eddie asks, "What are you even looking for?"

Steve pauses, staring at the ground. "Someone who makes me happy, who gets me, who wants to be with me, the real me, y'know?" he asks without even looking at Eddie, which is good because Eddie's sure the way his heart was breaking would be visible from fucking outer space.

Me, that's me, Stevie. Choose me. That's what Eddie wants to say, to shout and scream and even stomp his feet a bit because it's not fucking fair. He's all those things and more and he wanted to be that for Steve.

"Think you might be putting too high of standards too early on these poor girls, Stevie," Eddie laughs instead, grinning crookedly over at Steve and stopping short at the intense gaze being leveled back at him.

"See, that's the thing, Eds. I'm starting to think I've been looking for that in all the wrong places," Steve says seriously, shifting so he's standing in front of Eddie.

And Eddie is sure he's dreaming. He's actually fast asleep and he's going to wake up literally any second and this was all just some terrible dream thought up by his awful, gay, pining, stupid brain. Because it actually sounds like Steve, the love of Eddie's life, is about to confess something huge to him.

"What makes you say that?" Eddie croaks out before clearing his throat, glancing at Steve's lips before meeting his eyes.

"I've always had these big dreams about my life, what it'd look like if I wanted to be happy, and before I always thought of these grand things that involve a wife and a whole pack of kids," Steve says and Eddie feels his already shattered heart break even more.

Eddie manages to laugh, though, even if what he really wants is to crawl into bed and cry. "Okay, so now you're raising the bar even higher on these poor girls?" Eddie asks, shoving Steve's shoulder with his fist.

Steve isn't swayed. "You don't get it, Eds, that's not what I want anymore," he says, running his hands back through his hair. "That isn't what I imagine when I think about being happy."

"Then what do you imagine?" Eddie asks because, apparently, he's a huge fucking masochist.

"Eds... you're really going to make me say it out loud?" Steve asks, almost teasingly, and then he steps just a little bit closer.

Eddie's heart stops, once again struck by how not real this has to be. "Yeah, I'm gonna need you to say it with your outside voice, Stevie," Eddie says. "I'm not a mind reader."

Steve sighs heavily and puts his hands on his hips as he visibly considers his next words carefully. Something comes over his expression that takes Eddie's breath away, something fierce and brave and beautiful, and now the full force of it was turning on him when Steve's eyes meet his.

"When I picture myself happy," Steve starts, stepping close enough that the heat radiating off of him begins to warm Eddie's chilled skin. Steve lifts a hand to cup Eddie's jaw as he says, "It's with you, Eds."

Eddie blinks owlishly at Steve. "What?"

"I think I'm--I've been into you for months, and when you came out to me I got so hopeful, like I actually maybe stood a chance, which is obviously stupid. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you're into me but still," Steve rambles a bit as Eddie tries to form a coherent thought. Steve chews on his bottom lip and asks, "Eds? What do you--is this, like, okay?"

Eddie slaps himself in the face, just hard enough to sting, and Steve jumps.

"Eddie, what the hell?" Steve asks, bewildered.

"Sorry, just checking that I'm not dreaming. Pinching wouldn't've been enough to wake me up from a dream this good," Eddie breathes, twisting his hand in the front of Steve's polo and pulling him close. "You mean that, Stevie? You want me?"

"More than I've wanted anything in my life," Steve confesses easily, and he stumbles when Eddie gently shoves him back.

"Then take me home and we can make out about it in private, yeah?" Eddie suggests, grinning as he scrambles to get into the passenger seat of the Beemer.

When Steve gets into the car, he's grinning, and Eddie leans across the center console. "One kiss for the road?" he asks, batting his lashes up at Steve.

"Absolutely," Steve agrees, and then their mouths slotted together perfectly, like they were made to be kissing each other all along.

And yeah, Eddie was really starting to believe in soulmates actually...

Thank you again for sending me this ask!!! Send me more of these fun prompts? Also, if you like my writing, please consider checking out writing blog -> @gerrystamour

#steddie #steve/eddie #steve x eddie #steddie ficlet #gerry writes #gerry drabbles

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viablemess · 5 months

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I have a lot of feelings about the Durin Family, Fili in Particular

---Howdy folks it is that time of year again where i go absolutely feral for Fili Durin. He is underappreciated and tumblr has addressed that but i feel an URGE to add to the discourse so here I am. This post is not done, fyi. I will add more to it later.

It's 10pm/22:00. I just got home from class. I'm waiting for my ramen water to boil. There is a fireplace and some holiday lights. Let's have a (fireside)chat.

First of all, the constant tying of Fili and Kili together?? Like I get it. Merry and Pippin parallels. I love parallels (looking at you, George), but come on. Chill, just a tad. I know Tolkein didn't give you much to go by, but he didn't even write tauriel into the books or Bolg and yall ran with that anyways. Use your creative brains, pls, I'm actually begging you.

ANYWAYS. Have them develop separately even if only a little. Kili is the younger one, literally viewed younger bc he has the smallest itty bitty beard. He is not the heir, he is the spare, and could have some deep rooted personal insecurities about that as a result. He may feel that he deeply has to prove himself to Thorin bc he does not have a set role in the future like Fili does. Kili gets his romance with Tauriel, which--khgf;ushfw;e uneneccary, but I can appreciate the attempt to broaden the target market and appeal to a romance audience even if the previews did not hint at that happening at all so it would not have been a marketable trait per say but I digress. Again with the parallels of forbidden romance, poor Legolas still does not get any, we know, he was not even in the books really either, let's move on.

Kili is babied by the company, needs to prove himself, his mother made him promise to return to him so he is still deeply in the "coming of age" side of things (a lot of the company is, but that's a topic for another word vomit fireside chat). He begins to realize that he might like elves which goes against his family and he was already the spare, might as well go all in and fall in love with an elf. Fine. I can deal with that. But let's see more of Kili messing up, more so than just the trolls. Let's see him make silly goofy mistakes more. The company always tries to keep him out of the line of fire by making him an archer (heh) and keeping him off the front lines. They do everything to protect him, bc Dis is a terrifying woman, ansd if she made Kili promise to return to her, dammit, the company will return him to her if it is the last thing they do. Kili likely spends less time with Thorin and Dwalin than his brother, so here he is, questioning his own self worth and if he belongs in the party and his own abilities while coming of age and sticking out from his family even more, so why not rebel a little? why not be an archer which is not as glorified, why not consider shaving to meet cross cultural beauty standards, why not date the elf (dammit, I'm convincing myself for Tauriel's presence and I hate that). He's trying his best and messing up along the way, and is INNOCENT. Completely. He is aware of his ancestry and what happened, but he and Bilbo are the two being narrated to when telling of the Durin family history, and as a result, the differences in dwarven / hobbit culture could be explored further. Thorin has a little kiddo to watch out for, and maybe is softer around, because even Thorin knows Kili is young, maybe even too young to be here but if they didn't let him come he would have snuck after them, so we get to see a more forgiving, family-man Thorin who we do not see anywhere else (and yes we get that at the end of the movie but I'm getting to my critique of the (I almost called it a keldabe wrong fandom) forehead touch with a name I cannot recall later).

Onto his brother. Fili is the heir, okay. So, that means that he is likely raised very differently from Kili. Whereas Kili may have had some time to play and be a kid (as much as they could in the Blue Mountains as refugees, anyways), Fili likely was given no such privilege. He followed Thorin around like a lost puppy, watching his every move and trying to imitate it, because he knew he would have to do Thorin's job someday. Even if Thorin did get married / have a kid / etc there would likely still be a window where Fili was in charge before Thorin's kid came of age, and as the years went on, the chances of that happening diminished, and so Fili threw himself more and more into his crown-prince-studies. Maybe a little obsessively, just like his uncle, who had practically stepped into the role as father. Because Fili thought he had to be Thorin. Thorin, meanwhile, saw the King that Fili could be, and that King was so much better than him. Fili grew up humble as a result of them all being refugees, something Thorin did not have to learn until much later and even then he never fully got it. Fili was kind, because he saw the suffering of his people, and understood how large of a difference a small act could make. Fili also had the teachings of Thorin drilled into him, because Thorin's problem was that whenever he saw Fili, he also saw Frerin. Frerin was Thorin's younger brother, just as blond as Fili, and (I'm assuming) played a roll in Fili's name (both starting with F). Frerin died at the Battle of Azanulbizar, and Thorin remembers that battle, he remembers losing his little brother. He can understand the fear that Fili feels whenever the company encounters a fight because he has felt the same in the worst of ways. But, because Thorin understands, he pushes Fili to be better than him. Even if that pushing is too much, too hard, too fast, too young--Thorin knows that Fili can be better than him, and Thorin does not want Fili to suffer as he has suffered, so he does everything in his power to prepare Fili for what is to come, and because Thorin loves him, that is all he does. He pours that love out as motivation and pushes Fili to do more, do everything, and do it better than he did. Fili, being young, does not realize this. He just sees it as Thorin preparing him to be king, and quite brutally at that, but Thorin is the closest thing he has to a father, Fili is not going to question it, not for anything, except for his little brother. And that just hurts Thorin, because he knows that, had he had the chance, he would have died to save Frerin at Azanulbizar. He knows Fili would do the same for Kili, but they are both so, so young. Thorin fears he could lose them both in one go, if he is not careful. So he is harsh, he scares them, he is forceful, because they do not have time for care and coddling, that won't keep them safe.

Whereas the company sees Kili as carefree and fun, Fili is cold, like his uncle. He is stone, and observant, and polite. He has to be Thorin, AND everything that Thorin is not. It is an impossible task, but he has to try. That is what is expected of him, not just by his mother and uncle, but by the entire people that is behind him, waiting for him to ascend to be king. He does not get a choice. The only one who can pull him out of that rut is his brother, with whom he actually feels like he can be what he is -- barely older than a kid.

Im gonna let that sink in for a second. They're CHILDREN.

anyways.

So, Kili gets his romance plot. It's cute and it parallels. And I've established that Kili must prove himself, and Fili will bend over backwards to make Thorin happy, which likely also extends to Dis, his mother.

I imagine Dis gave Kili the river rock to come back home, and she told Fili "be safe, don't be stupid, etc etc" but HIGHLIGHTED "take care of your brother", and Thorin does the same in the movies.

So, when Kili galavants up the bridge to open the gate after the party does a little slip and slide down the river, Fili naturally goes with. He sees that Kili is about to get shot. And Fili, who knows above all else he has to be king and he has to take care of Kili, just does the normal heroric thing and jumps in front, and he gets shot.

He is chastized for it, for being stupid, but overall they both are thanked for getting them out of the mess, and there is no time to waste because the company has to leave, and Fili (like what Kili did albeit maybe with more conviction) will not let others help him, or show weakness. So Fili continues on, poisoned, and Kili has the guilt of knowing his brother took an arrow meant for him. Fili must suffer the consequences of being a hero, and Kili must suffer the consequences of being the youngest, and feeling guilty for not taking responsibility for his own actions.

This all boils over to a fight where Kili tells Fili that "I made the choice to go up there, I didn't ask you to intervene!" because dammit Kili wants to be treated like an adult and FIli just took that away from him, again.

Fili, naturally, retorts, "I just did what I had to, because you know what? mom didn't tell me to come home--all she told me, all everyone ever tells me--is to take care of you! So I don't matter, not to this family, not in the same way you do. You're a son. I'm a prince."

Which, ouch. Slap in the face to Kili, and maybe the company overhears. Kili feels slighted, but also maybe is starting to understand, he can be a kid, Fili cannot. And Fili, meanwhile, is about to break from the weight of expectations that feels heavier than the lonely mountain ever could.

So, Kili stays with Fili when they get to Bard's, because it is what Fili would have done for him. Thorin is pissed, but lets it go, because Kili isn't Fili, and ouch, again.

I imagine Bofur helps quite a bit, he has a kind soul and listens better than most, and while Fili is delirious with fever Bofur talks him through it. Kili gets to be more coherent with Tauriel, and we get to see if their relationship actually holds up outside of a "she saved my life I love her" style of interaction which bleh is cliche as all get out.

and PLEASE when the dwarves do get out of Bard's house, they get to actually help Bard deal with the dragon. I read a fic a long time ago (if I find it I'll link it and the author below) where Fili had to be Bard's arrow anchor instead of Bard's son and I just chef's kiss. The dwarves who are left get to help the humans, and they feel more sympathy for them. Maybe they witness more death, and so when the dwarves do turn their backs on the humans later, Fili, Kili, Bofur, Bifur & crew are like "wait wtf they have suffered enough" unlike their future indifference we see in the movie.

and THEN all the dwarves arrive at the mountain, and Fili and Kili actually get welcomed home like the family they ARE, but it's stunted, because something is wrong with Thorin. He is glad to see Kili and Fili, but barely spares them a glance. They've heard the rumors and stories, of gold sickness. They begin to wonder, and we get to see them talk (probably with Bilbo) about the concept in secret where everyone is looking for the arkenstone. We get to see Kili with his hero worship refuse to believe Thorin would fall under a gold thrall. We get to see Fili, who is afraid of becoming like Thorin, too scared to enter the treasury unless immensly pressured to do so, and even then someone is always with him, because he worries. He still holds the ruby Thorin threw at him, and he keeps it in his pocket. He holds it so tight the edges cut his palm, and the pain seems to distract him from the wealth that surrounds him. I always wondered if Thorin gave Fili that ruby because he was the heir, or the only dwarf with so much gold about their person, with his hair. It was what Thorin saw first, not because it was his nephew, but because he looked like the very thing that already clawed Thorin down into his own demise.

AND NOW the war starts. and this needs to be another post bc ffs I'm losing my shit this is much too long.

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adorethedistance · 11 months

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RollerMagic - Quinn Hughes x Reader

Hockey Masterlist

Warnings: mention of vomit, swearing, suggestive comment

Words: 1904

Requested: could you write about quinn pleeeease. had a dream last night: Quinn was in New Jersey for a Canucks and Devils game and went out with his brothers to a roller rink (?), met a girl by the candy machine (her candy had gotten stuck and he politely punched the machine to catch it) they spent the night talking (the two youngest Hughes looking for him like fools) and he invited her to watch the game and, soon after, a date; she said she would go to the game but would only accept the date if he scored a goal for her (he scored a hat trick)

A/n: Listen I don't know Quinn very well so I was not going for realism on this one. This is literally just my best guess at flirting with him but I truly don't know him enough to know if this is true to his character so I'm sorry for that! I've also just never done a Quinn fic before so first time for everything I guess?

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” I say to myself as the small pack of Skittles I’d just bought becomes wedged between the coils of the vending machine. I gently bang on the glass but the Skittles packet doesn’t budge. Utterly defeated, I huff out a soft sigh before dropping my head and staring at the fluorescent patterning of the Arcade carpet. Today is not my day.

I was late to work because of my car stalling, some kid puked in the middle of the roller rink and I had to clean it up, I left my lunchbox on the kitchen counter by accident, and now the only food that I had enough cash on me to buy was stuck in the vending machine. Could this day get any worse?

I lift my head, preparing to cut my losses, when I lock eyes with a guy who is probably around my age but definitely attractive. His wavy brown hair and soft eyes shimmer in the dim arcade lighting. He smiles at me politely and I smile back, too absorbed by my own infatuation to think twice about it. He glances to either side before making his way over. I panic internally at the idea of such a cute stranger heading my way, but I can’t bring myself to walk away.

“You doing alright?” The hazel-eyed boy asks upon seeing me in distress.

“I’m great!” I fake being chipper as we both know the real answer. He laughs softly at the joke and I relax a tiny bit at the idea of making a good impression. “How much of that did you see?” I ask, praying his answer will keep my dignity intact. He hesitates for a moment before answering,

“Honestly? Everything.”

“Good. Good! This is good. First, I have a terrible day, and now a really cute boy has officially witnessed my latest and greatest downfall? This is just great.” I ramble out of intense nervousness.

“You think I’m cute?” He teases inquisitively. I search and scan my brain for a witty response to no avail.

“It was hypothetical?” I say though it comes out as more of a question than a statement.

“What’s hypothetical?”

“I don’t know, I was hoping if I said it with enough conviction that you wouldn’t question it.” The cute stranger apparently thinks this is very funny and heartily laughs at my confession.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I got your name?”

“Y/n.”

“Y/n,” he softly repeats my name, smiling at the way it sounds in his own voice. “I’m Quinn by the way.” Quinn extends his right hand politely, and the feeling of his strong hand in mine gives me butterflies. The shape of his palms and the length of his fingers. I wonder what it would feel like to have one around the base of my neck and the other in between-

“Nice to meet you, Y/n.” I blink rapidly to shake away the brief fantasy. God, it’s been a while.

“Uh, you too…?

“Quinn.”

“Quinn!” Quinn. “Quinn what?”

“Quinn Hughes.”

“Pretty good name.”

“Thanks, I guess?”

“Has a pretty good ring…” I pause, unsure of why I needed to tell him that.

“Have you worked here a while?” He asks, and my brows furrow in confusion.

“How do you know I work here?” Quinn laughs heartily before realizing I’m not making a joke.

“You… you’re wearing a name tag and a t-shirt that says RollerMagic.” I close my eyes and wince at my own unfathomable obliviousness. I’m surprised he’s still talking to me with the way this conversation is going.

“Right. It’s been a long day.”

“Tell me about it.”

“What happened with you?” I ask, genuinely curious about the day of the slightly less unfamiliar boy. Not that I could even help the sudden interest. Especially when he looks at me this kindly and smells like icy sandalwood.

“Also a bad day at work.”

“Where do you work?”

“Vancouver.” My jaw drops and Quinn bursts out laughing at the more than apparent shock on my face. I don’t laugh though, I just look at him bewildered, waiting for an explanation.

“Care to elaborate?”

“I play hockey.” “Like, for a living?”

“You could say that. Although it took a bit before making a living since I was drafted in 2018.”

“Oh shit, you’ve been pro since 2018?” He nods, surprisingly patient with my disbelief. “So you’re like, rich rich?” Quinn laughs at the question and concedes a little bit.

“I don’t know about that-”

“I know what sports contracts pay, my mom is a lawyer. Also, look at your watch. You can’t pretend and play coy when you’re wearing something that expensive.”

“Touché. What about you? You never answered my question.”

“I’ve been working here since Freshman year so coming up on four years now.”

“You’re a student?”

“Yeah.”

“Where at?”

“Princeton.”

“Holy shit. So you’re like smart smart?” Quinn makes fun of me and I roll my eyes at him.

“Okay, I see how that sounds now. Wait if you’re from Vancouver what are you doing here?”

“We’re playing the New Jersey Devils? Ever heard of them?”

“No, I got that, you little priss. I mean why are you here as in why are you at a roller rink?”

“I don’t know. My idiot brothers were hellbent on going to an arcade.”

“Do they play for Vancouver also?” I ask playfully.

“They play for Jersey actually.”

“I was kidding…” After I trail off, Quinn and I begin laughing, the absurdity of the conversation continuously growing in magnitude. “But like, both of them?”

“Yep.”

“How did that happen?”

“You ask a lot of questions.” He states in a non-judgemental, yet amused tone.

“Only when someone is interesting enough to be worth interrogating.” Quinn smiles flirtatiously and I drop my eyes to the floor, shocked by my own boldness.

“You’re really cute,” He says simply, as if the very statement didn’t ignite every nerve in my body.

“So did Vancouver lose and that’s why you had a bad day at work?”

“No, just a rough practice. The game is tonight actually.”

“Good luck,” I say without any snark or playfulness. Just a legitimate regard for his success. Quinn is taken aback by the genuine care and he smiles brightly as a result.

“Thanks.”

“I’ve never been to a hockey game before.”

“Never?!”

“Never.”

“Well, then you’ve gotta come to the game tonight.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“Are you working late?”

“No, I’m off at six.”

“That’s perfect.”

“I don’t- I’m not-” I sigh, unsure of how much or little I should share with Quinn in this moment. “I can’t really afford a hockey game right now.” I put as simply as possible. Quinn pauses for a moment and then laughs softly.

“Don’t even worry about it.”

“...What?”

“Don’t worry about it.” I stare at him dumbfounded as if I’m stunned he could be so nonchalant like this.

“There’s gonna be three of us from the same family out on the ice tonight and our parents don’t even live here. I’m pretty sure we can swing getting you a seat or two.”

“I can’t accept that. We just met and I’m not really cool with taking things from strangers.”

“Even if it’s a really cute boy with a sports contract?” He says jokingly and I drop my guard a tiny bit. I huff out a sigh, still feeling conflicted and slightly uneasy. Quinn picks up on the uneasiness and looks me in the eyes before softly saying, “Look, you don’t have to take me up on the offer, but it would be really cool to see you there tonight. Either way, it’s totally fine with me.” The lengths to which he is going just to ease my anxieties and ensure my comfort fills my chest with warm, radiant light and I smile gently at the level of consideration.

“...Okay.”

“Okay. Could I get your number to send you all the information you’ll need?”

“Is that the only reason you want my number?” Quinn looks off and shrugs a little as he admits,

“Well, I’d also like to get to know the pretty girl from the roller rink. And I was hoping I could possibly take her out on a date while I’m still in town?” My stomach erupts into a million butterflies and I hold out my hand to take his phone. He gives me the unlocked device after setting up a new contact. I brazenly decide I should keep Quinn on his toes, out of concern that he thinks I’ll make things easy for him.

“If you win tonight you can take me out.”

“Bro, what?”

“I’m serious!”

“Why? This is so childish!”

“No, this is serious, Quinn. I can’t date a loser!”

“Oh my god- okay, fine. If we win-”

“Win what?” A strange voice says from behind me. I turn around to see two other boys have appeared behind me and Quinn from seemingly thin air. Out of fear of more of them appearing, I lean back against the vending machine I was once sworn enemies with. Seeking shelter in the cool glass that’s been illuminated by LEDs.

“Nothing.”

“Is this guy bothering you, sweetheart?” The tallest one says and the one he’s standing with laughs.

“Seriously, Q. We leave you alone for ten minutes.”

“I’ll meet you guys in the car,” Quinn speaks up, clearly flustered by their presence in this moment.

“Okayyy, don’t be long, lover boy.”

“You’re on the clock.”

“And that was…”

“The idiot brothers I was talking about.”

“Right. Got it.” I’m amused if anything, but I can tell Quinn is struggling to shake off the encounter. Rolling my eyes, I extend my hand to him which he takes confusedly. Pulling him closer to where I’m leaning against the vending machine, he gets the idea and steps forward to close the gap between us. I didn’t anticipate being flustered by the close proximity, but as he steps closer he places his hand against the glass of the vending machine, above my head. His crisp scent is stronger and I’m grateful he took the invitation to close in.

“Anyway. If we win-”

“Mhm.”

“I get to take you out?”

“And if you lose?” I ask, challenging him. He takes a moment to think it over.

“I don’t know. What happens if we lose?” I mimic his expression from when he was deep in thought, before saying with a completely straight face,

“I kill you.” We both burst out laughing. I hate to think that I already like Quinn as much as I do.

“I guess I’ll make sure to win.”

“You better.” Quinn backs up and the excitement I was having trouble controlling vanishes when I can no longer feel him near me. My subconscious urges me to be nearer to him and I push off of the vending machine as well. Quinn looks past me and I follow his gaze. He’s examining the Skittles packet that I abandoned, and in one swift movement, he hits the side of the machine and the packet neatly falls to the bottom. My lips part in shock and I’m amazed at how seemingly easy that was for him. He grabs the bag and holds it out to me like it’s no big deal, but I can tell he’s very proud of himself.

“See you later tonight then?”

“See ya later.”

***

A/n: hope y'all liked it and I've got a Jamie fic in the works so stay tuned!! Special thanks to the person who requested this !

#Quinn Hughes #Quinn Hughes x reader #Quinn Hughes x y/n #Quinn Hughes x you #Quinn Hughes fanfiction #Quinn Hughes fanfic #Quinn Hughes fic #Quinn Hughes imagine #Quinn Hughes one shot #Quinn Hughes oneshot #Quinn Hughes reader insert #Quinn Hughes smut #Quinn Hughes fluff #Quinn Hughes angst #nhl #nhl fanfiction

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vind3miat0r · 2 months

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Hush EA spoilers

(also a whole lot of word vomit. and for once its not copied and pasted from texts i sent to my boyfriend)

I TOLD YALL I TOLD YALL VEGA WASNT DEAD!!

okay wow theres a LOT to unpack here. uhm.

so the general theory that demons dont go to Death when they die has been confirmed!! yippee!! their magic just gets scattered to the winds and it seems like its up to someone to stitch said magic back together in order to revive(?) the demon that was killed. yay!!

taking a moment to talk about Hush because HUSHH?? Hush freaking out about how he killed Vega and how Vega confused him was just. heart-breaking. omg. i was expecting many things today, but not Hush of all people having a breakdown. that really hit too close to home </3

now, Hush mentioned something when talking about Vega: he used the term "anacruses" to refer to our beloved manipulator. hello? sudden lore drop?? question mark??

more lore drops is Hush talking about how he met Vega before he was formed, and how he thinks he wasnt supposed to remember the demon, and i quote: "But a part of me, a tiny echo within me is made of those who made me, and that’s the part of me that knows him. Knows… Vega. The daemon before the demon. The voice before the song broke from the stave. I don’t think I’m supposed to remember him."

focusing on the "voice before the song broke from the stave" part; i looked up the term "anacruses", and what i find interesting is that the word "anacrusis" popped up. "anacrusis" has multiple meanings, but one of them caught my eye: "one or more unstressed notes before the first bar line of a piece or passage."

now, i dont know much about instrument lore, but (correct me if im wrong) this is referring to music. personally, i think this is really interesting (this may be the autism speaking), because we know that d(a)emons have some sort of connection to the spellsong. im sure Gavin or Hush maybe explained it once, i cant really remember. we also know that Hush is literally the silence in the spellsong. the plural of "anacrusis" is "anacruses". you can see where this is going.

we know that Vega is really old. we know he was around before the Cacophony, which makes me think that he was one of the first daemons to be created. like, "within the first ten" kind of first. Hush calling Vega "one of the Anacruses" has me thinking some things.

firstly, the term "Anacruses" may just be a sort of title for d(a)emons who were created before the Cacophony. this is plausible, and i think it would make sense. it could also refer to d(a)emons who were created before the existence of the spellsong, maybe?

we dont know much about the spellsong, other than that its this non-corporeal thing that d(a)emons and Hush have a connection to (and if we really want to reach, the Sovereigns as well). we know that every empowered person's core has a "voice" in the spellsong, and that if said person dies, their "voice" goes silent.

we dont know when it was created, or how it was created. but the definition of "anacrusis" got me thinking... maybe the "Anacruses" daemons are the ones who created the spellsong. its a bit of a reach (thats an understatement that a very long reach), but i think it's plausible. its like FNAF lore: if you dont think about it, it makes sense.

you must be thinking, "wow vinn thats a lot of word vomit! what are you trying to say?" what i said a few paragraphs ago: "Anacruses" just means "old demon" but with significant lore and meaning attached to it. thats it.

(i really like how Erik's brain works — props to him for working this into the possible spellsong lore)

i dont really have much to say about Hush saying he existed before he... well existed. what i take from that is that he could have been a non-corporeal being who physically couldnt take a physical form until very recently. whatever created him took parts of themself to make him. i dunno, im still trying to understand it myself.

uhhh anyways thank you for coming to my ted talk, youve been a great audience as per usual :D

#wooo no “Erik when I catch you” this time?#surprisingly no!#teehee #redacted early access #redacted ea spoilers #redacted asmr #redactedverse #redactedaudio #redacted hush #redacted vega #vinn says fandom things #vinn theorizes #redacted theories

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ranfordgallus · 2 months

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"proship dni" like ur not drawing weirdass gore of children's show characters based on real living human beings.... proshippers are ur fandom cousins no matter how much u deny it 😝

I feel like the difference between me and proshippers is that i dont draw the kratt brothers with their intestines out (literally i mostly draw the kratt brothers covered in blood and the MOST gore ive done is euther stoner martin projectile vomiting blood (which i dont take seriously and i made that as SATIRE) and stoner chris with a severed head (also not made seriously, stoner AU is not meant to be serious, its a satire AU i made)

and in krattsatrophe chris eye was damaged along side his chest but its not so fuckin deep that his organs are showing because thats too gruesome for me to draw the kratt brothers that way so its mostly just a scar, i dont draw gore of the kratt brothers all the time and its just them LIKE I SAID...covered in blood the most gore ive done isnt insane, mostly just slight gore

You acting like me drawing cartoon gore of the kratt brothers ironically and proshippers shipping the kratt brothers unironically are the same thing?

Before you asked "well the krattastrophe has gore but its a serious AU?" Yes it IS a serious AU! but i did that because its for the loooreee....remember i never draw the kratt brothers with their brains sticking out because thats too gruesome for me to do that, but when i DO have to draw that its for the lore! But...minus the brains sticking out part nd more like getting their eye clawed of by a cougar for example or one of their arms torn off which....thats the limit ill go from there....*cough*

"ok but you draw zach getting killed and HIS intestines are out!!" YES I DID! thats...because its also for the lore in the comic, but also the difference between me drawing gore of fictional characters and proshippers shipping fictional characters is that i DON'T romanticize gore (in fictional characters or irl obv) and proshippers romantisizes incest, pedophilia, etc (in fictional characters....i hope) which is...disgusting obviously

Plus....i havent drawn "kratt brothers ""gore""" for a long time...i think the last time i drew "gore" of them was 2 months ago when i drew stoner Chris's head being severed by one of zachs robots...sooo yeah, i dont draw gore that much but when i do its mostly just my ocs

Sorry for the lengthy reply i just wanna explain myself thoroughly lmao

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giulliadella · 4 months

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Hellraiser: the Toll is dumb AF

You freaks liked my review of The Scarlet Gospels, so I'm here to deliver this short review of another garbage Hellraiser novel while I'm procrastinating with studying for the finals. Spoilers for the entire thing (and some funny fanart) below:

Hellraiser: the Toll is a novella written by Mark E. Miller that serves as a passage between The Hellbound Hearts/Hellraiser movie and The Scarlet Gospels. It sucks harder than a black hole.

Short summary (5 sentences)

Kirsty Cotton is a depressed fucked up person that is running from place to place because she's scared of "The Cold Man" which is a nickname she gave to Pinhead. She gets a letter from some random theology professor and decides to go visit The Devil's Island in French Guiana where she's told the Cenobite would wait for her. She goes to a hotel kept by an old lady and a butler named Walter, the old lady is skinned alive and the butler tries to kill Kirsty, but she smacks his face with a hammer and kills him. Then she enters the jungle prison on the Devil's Island and meets Pinhead, they chat, then argue, then start a fight which ends by Kirsty smashing his face with a hammer and taking out one of his nails. She returns home and keeps the nail in a jar on her night stand.

Endlessly confused plot

I honestly can't tell what universe does this book describe. It's a mashup of "The Hellbound Heart" and Hellraiser movie, but the second movie is not cannon, which is very weird. The author basically picked and chose whatever random thing he liked and made a senseless mashup. One of the worst things about it is the same fucking issue with the Boom! comics and that is that Kirsty hates Pinhead because he "killed her father and ruined her family". Which is pure bullshit from every angle. In "The Hellbound Heart", Cenobites only killed Frank and Julia and let her go. In Hellraiser, they also killed Frank and Julia and she barely escaped. Her father was killed by FUCKING FRANK. Pinhead didn't ruin Kirsty's family, Frank did. I don't think that Kirsty would hold any ill intent towards the Cenobites, in fact, in Hellraiser 2 she objectively doesn't. She wanted to save them for fuck's sake. And they all gave their lives for her. I really have no idea why would she have any reasons to hate Pinhead, but oh well.

Pinhead acts like a whiny little child

Seriously, what the fuck is with these books and assassination of Pinhead's character? Why the FUCK is he depicted as narcissistic, misogynistic motherfucker, when he couldn't be further from it? Also, why does he use his fists to fight Kirsty when he can summon chains with hooks by will and also has like 12 butchering knives hanging from his belt? The worst part is probably the dialogue, especially when he says "Jesus wept", like, come on, that's the dumbest thing I've ever read. Does the motherfucker who wrote this think that Frank and Pinhead have any parallels? Because if he does, he needs a hit on his head with a hammer, just to reset his brain.

Hell is shit - literally

The description of Hell in this book is even dumber than in Scarlet Gospels. It says that the floor in Hell is made of shit. And there's a hole and people in Hell worship the hole and throw babies in it. Like, what the fuck. Also, I fucking hate the fact that he described Cenobites as foul smelling. Do your research, motherfucker, they smell like vanilla! There is some stench of rot beneath, but nobody in the entire franchise never had the urge to vomit when they were close to the Cenobites, so it can't be strong. I don't know how did the author of this garbage come to the idea that Cenobites smell like shit and that Hell is made of shit, but it's literally like how a 13 year old would describe it. I don't know what is the reason, but maybe, just maybe, straight men have much different interpretation of what Cenobites are compared to queer women like myself.

Stuff I liked

There was one scene where a demon was running in the rain screaming FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!FUCK! until he was struck by lightning. I laughed my ass off with that.

The fact that Kirsty kept the nail she knocked out of Pinhead's face by her bedside was so cute. Like, this book has some shipping, but it fucking sucks. Mostly because both Pinhead and Kirsty are very much out of character. But keeping the nail was definitely in character for her lol.

Overall, this entire book could be summed up by this illustration:

The Toll sucks. It doesn't suck as much as Scarlet Gospels, and, thank Goddess, it's only 40 pages long. But it still sucks. It ruins both Pinhead and Kirsty and their relationship and it's definitely not worth your time. If you want good stories about the Hell Priest and his human crush, go to AO3, there are many of superior quality.

#hellraiser #book review #rant #fanart #pinhead #kirsty cotton

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moroser · 1 year

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[incoming long and personal and dark post]

it dawned on me that it’s april and that means it’s been 6 years since i stopped doing drugs. big achievement. i did weed the whole time, thinking i needed it to keep away from the worse stuff, but i stopped that too, almost 2 months ago now. everything i’m about to talk about i did without anyone in my life (offline) noticing and all by myself.

my entire life has been unstable and so difficult. and i mean difficult and sad. i used to drink pretty heavily, but i stopped when i found pills. i was taking pretty much any opioid i could find, i even stole them. i was text book addict with pills. i had every excuse to keep going with it, it made sense to me at the time. i was in so much pain mentally, emotionally, and eventually, physically. taking them was reprieve.

eventually, i was taking so many a day, quite honestly i should have died. my brain was blank, i lost my creativity and i stopped drawing, which is the one thing i love the most to do. create. even though i did not stop, the fact i felt nothing in that realm anymore was heartbreaking. i’d spent several nights staring at the ceiling practically waiting to die. i had one dream that i can remember while on drugs and it was of me staring at myself opened-eyed and dead on my bed. it shook me.

the drugs affected my ability to think, cry and feel, then one day on my way to work, after taking so many, i got so sick on the side of the road on the freeway several times. eventually i pulled off into a town i didn’t know and passed out in the parking lot of a gas station for who knows how long. i woke up dazed with the taste of puke in my mouth, and totally dehydrated. i missed work, i was embarrassed with myself. i have no idea how long i sat there for before getting out of the car to walk around. eventually i made it home but i felt like i wasn’t the same after that.

decided to detox (after trying before, and failing), which was the worst events i’ve been through in my life. took days, nearly a week to get over the worst of the symptoms. i don’t think i slept at all. i was so sick, shakes and chills, vomiting, etc. i let spongebob play for the entire time, that sponge grounded me lol. i’d made it through that time. and i stuck too it, using my desire to feel my creativity again and wanting to be better to my body to stay away from relapse.

2017 i cleared my system of alcohol, pills, energy drinks, pop, and the only thing i’d let myself use was weed because i felt it would stop me from everything else. and technically, it did. it aided me for a long time. but the passed ~3 years i’ve been so ill with stomach issues and nausea and throwing up that i decided to stop that too.

so now i’ve been completely sober for 1 month and 21 days. for the first time since high school i have nothing in my system that is altering me the way substance abuse has. it’s been a major adjustment. my focus is shit, my sleeping is difficult and my dreams are insanity. it literally feels like i’m sleeping just to wake up somewhere else because my dreams are so vivid and clear. i wake up every four hours having to adjust and remember i actually live here, not in dreamland. i didn’t dream at all while on drugs or weed, so in a way, i welcome the vibrancy of them.

looking back, none of those things helped me. they only broke and shrouded my spirit with a darkness i don’t want to feel ever again. i want to be healthy and i want to give my body the chances that it deserves. i want to heal properly. i want to live so much. i want to find someone to be with that will understand me and accept me even with my flaws and history. i feel better already, but i know there’s still a long journey ahead and i can only hope it gets better. i deserve better. i know i’m a good person. i know i have so much creative potential in me and it’s what i want to give my energy and soul to.

thanks for listening, if you read this. i am proud of myself for getting as far as i have but the support from my friends and strangers online has been a colossal sense of communal help i’ve never had offline. sharing my art has been a big help and just people enjoying it means so much to me. thank you.

#tw drugs #tw death #journaling again cause its what i do #dont do drugs please. take it from me #tw addiction

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whatstruthgottodowithit · 1 year

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The Best Place To Be

Fandom: Elvis Presley, American Actor, Elvis Movie 2022

Pairing: Elvis Presley x Reader

Characters: Elvis Presley, Reader, Jerry Schilling, Dr

Word Count: 2660 // Rating: Mature

Summary: Tours are well oiled machines but what happens when there’s a spanner in the works

Tags/ Warnings: Request, Requested Fic, Kisses, Established Relationship, 70s Elvis, Elvis on Tour, Tour Schedule, Ill Health, Abdominal Pain, Fever, Nausea, Vomiting, Hospitals, Planes, Fear, Arguing, Angst, Love

Notes: hope whoever requested this likes it. also if you ask me something the surgical nurse in me will always go to something surgical. I have no apologies.

Elvis Tags: @literally-just-elvis-fics @caitlin1996

Request from anon: Could you do one where the reader isn't feeling well but doesn't tell Elvis and she faints?

‘Our only duties, as far as I could gather. Our only duties, our only-’ I mumbled, trying to get the words on the page in front of me to stick in my head though I wasn't having much luck. The book in front of me had been laying in my lap for the past twenty minutes but I had barely made it through two sentences as every time I did a familiar wave of pain flowed through my abdomen making the words melt from my brain. I was sitting in the dressing room, trying to ignore the hubbub that came with the preshow, and trying to distract myself from the pain I had been having on and off all day.

I didn't have time to be ill. Ten cities in ten days meant that for the foreseeable future, my life was a blur of cars, planes, hotel rooms and show venues and though I wasn't working I was still expected to be part of the team. To show up, grin and bear it until we were safely back in Memphis and I could have time to slow down. It wasn't that I didn't want to know what was wrong. I just didn't want to cause problems. When it came to Elvis the goal was clear. Keep him well, keep him working. With me? Who knows. I could be shipped off to a hospital in a state I didn't know or forced to go back to Memphis. I didn’t want that. Or worse. Elvis would insist the tour be rejigged, which meant I’d be receiving the Colonel’s wrath. No, I knew what I needed to do. Hang on and wait it out.

But it was hard, especially as another wave of pain flowed through me bringing with it a round of nausea that made me feel as though I was going to hurl even though I knew full well there was nothing left in me to throw up. I clutched my stomach and closed my eyes, trying to breathe through the ordeal going on inside me.

'You falling asleep on me?’ came a familiar velvety voice which made my eyes snap open. Elvis had come out of the bathroom and was giving himself a final once over before he had to head to the stage. As he fiddled with the cuffs on his suit he watched me in the mirror awaiting my response. ’M'tired,’ I said. It technically wasn't a lie. I was exhausted. Whilst he’d slept soundly on the plane I’d been tossing and turning, unable to get into any position that seemed comfortable. Throw in a day of driving, prepping and general busyness I wasn’t the most spritely. Elvis moved towards the couch I was sitting on and captured my chin with his fingers, tilting my face upwards as he leaned down and kissed me. 'Well don’t be calling it a night just yet,’ he smirked, pulling back, 'you know I love it when you’re watching.'

I nodded and smiled though I could feel uneasiness building inside me. That was the other problem. Though I wasn’t officially a member of the crew I did have a role. I was an unofficial mascot. Someone he needed to get him through the touring schedule. He liked having me by his side, watching every single show and being honest with him about it. I calmed his pre-show jitters and helped him ride his post-show highs but the thought of doing that tonight seemed like a mammoth one. I was comfortable sitting on this dingy little couch in the dressing room and I wasn’t sure how well I’d fare standing at the side of the stage amidst the heat and the noise. Elvis didn't notice my reluctance as he moved to check his hair out in the mirror, in fact, he didn’t have much chance to do anything as there was a knock at the door and Charlie appeared.

'Ready to go boss?’ he asked. Elvis turned and nodded, walking towards me and holding out a hand to help me up from the couch which I did so with as little wincing as possible. He didn't let go of my hand until we were out of the dressing room but before he did he brought it to his lips and kissed my knuckles gently. Then he was lost to the flurry of the crowd. I filtered back allowing his entourage to walk with him, firing questions at him as they walked in step. I could feel myself shrinking backwards, trying to ignore the dull ache in my stomach which twinged with every step. The coolness of the stadium’s corridors was a welcome relief to the warmth I was now feeling in my cheeks from exerting myself just a little but that quickly fizzled away as we walked out into the auditorium and I felt the Phoenix heat melded with the warmth from the stage lights and the thousands of bodies crammed inside waiting with eager excitement.

As the sound of CC Rider echoed out the crowd started to cheer and Elvis limbered up, taking to the stage to rapturous applause. I watched him go, feeling the same awe and pride I felt every night even though I had seen the show a thousand times before. Yet that feeling was only fleeting thought as my discomfort returned almost immediately. I moved myself to a secluded corner, resting against trunks that held equipment in order to keep myself upright. That wooziness from before was present again but I kept myself focused, watching Elvis as he moved around the stage entertaining his fans. I don’t know how long I managed to stand there, focused on the show before another wave of pain hit.

'Are you okay?’ Jerry said as he appeared at my side. As I turned my head to look at him my vision faltered, blurring his face in front of me before it focused back in sync. 'I’m fine,’ I said. 'You don’t look good,’ he said. I moved to wave him off but as I took my hand off the trunk I stumbled, not having realised how tightly I had been gripping it to keep myself upright. Jerry’s hand caught my elbow steadying me. 'Okay you need to sit down,’ he said. I could feel his grip tight against my elbow as he waved to one of the roadies for some help. ’M'fine,’ I said, though my voice sounded as if I was hearing it from underwater. My vision blurred again accompanied by ringing in my ears as I felt a searing pain ripple through my abdomen.

And then nothing.

As I came to I could feel myself being gently deposited down onto a soft surface and I cracked open my eyes to find Jerry watching me with concern as he placed me on the dressing room couch. He moved out of the way, though he perched on the arm beside me as Dr Nick appeared in his place.

'That was some drop,’ he said as he gestured for me to offer him my arm, which I did obediently. 'What happened?’ I asked. 'You went white as a sheet and then hit the deck. Scared the crap out of me,’ Jerry said with a frown. 'Sorry,’ I mumbled sheepishly. 'Your blood pressures down a bit,’ Dr Nick said as he took the cuff off my arm. 'I’m fine honestly,’ I said, attempting to sit up though it was done with a wince as I felt searing pain. Jerry and Dr Nick pushed me back down gently. 'Have you got pain?’ Dr Nick asked. 'A little,’ I said, though he looked at me skeptically, 'okay a lot.’ 'Since when?’ he asked. 'Last night,’ I said. 'Where?’ he said, his hand following mine as I placed it gently on my right side. 'Does that hurt?’ he asked, pressing sharply on my side, making tears sting my eyes. 'Yeah,’ I said, trying to breathe as steadily as I could. 'Any nausea or vomiting?’ he asked. 'A little of both,’ I said, 'but I haven't eaten anything today so the nausea isn’t that bad.’ 'That’s not exactly a plus,’ Jerry said. 'Any fevers?’ Dr Nick said. 'I don’t think so,’ I said watching his face closely as he frowned, 'why what is it?' 'I think-’

'Where is she?’ I heard Elvis’ voice say panicked. He burst in, followed by several guys offering protestations but he wasn’t listening to them. His face was frantic as he came in quickly kneeling by my side as he placed a hand tenderly on my cheek. 'Are you okay?’ he asked, worry in his big blue eyes. 'I’m fine,’ I said though he only took that in for a millisecond before he was looking for a second opinion. He glanced at Jerry who shrugged and then at Dr Nick, 'what’s the matter, Dr Nick?' 'Well it could be a couple of things,’ he said, 'I wouldn’t want to say for definite but she’s got pain and vomiting-’ 'They said you passed out,’ Elvis said quickly. 'It was nothing,’ I said as Dr Nick continued, betraying my denials as he said, 'she did but I think that was more due to her being weak from not eating today.’ 'You’ve not eaten anything today?’ Elvis said. I could see the cogs whirring in his mind as he tried to think about every moment we had spent together and whether or not he recalled what I had consumed. He’d been bleary-eyed this morning at breakfast drinking his coffee and reading his paper whilst I pushed pancakes around my plate. And lunch was on the go as always, easy to hide if needs be. 'Didn’t feel up to it,’ I said. He seemed to take my answer on board but there was something behind his eyes that I didn't like. Anger.

'So what doc?’ he said turning to look at the older man who shrugged. 'Like I said I wouldn’t want to say for sure without tests but that would mean going to the hospital,’ he said. 'Then that’s where we’re going,’ Elvis said matter of factly. 'But we’ve gotta leave and the tour-’ I started to protest. 'Will wait,’ he said looking pointedly at me before he stood up. I could feel the shift in his mode. He was the boss now, looking at the guys who were lingering by the door, 'get a car to take us to the hospital and call ahead. I want a room sorted for when we get there.’ 'What about Dallas?’ Vernon asked with concern. 'Keep it on the books for now. Have the plane on standby so it’s ready if we can make it,’ he said, 'and let the Colonel know.’ 'He’s not gonna be happy about it,’ Vernon said. 'I don’t give a rat’s ass what he’s happy about,’ Elvis said. Vernon nodded and scuttled out the door. A few of the boys lingered too making him glare at them, 'haven’t y'all got things to be doing?'

There was a murmur of agreement as he looked down at me that feeling of disappointment not waning though it softened a little as I felt a pain flow through me again and moved to clutch my stomach. He turned away, mumbling, 'Isn’t there something you can give her?'

'Yes, yes,’ Dr Nick said turning to his bag of tricks and rummaging around in it until he produced a vial of something and started drawing it up. I glanced at Jerry, the only one who hadn’t left and he smiled at me for a moment though it was pulled away from me as Elvis said, 'Jer.'

I watched Jerry jump up obediently and go to his boss. They talked in low whispers for a moment before Jerry clapped him on the back and headed out the door offering me one more smile as he did. As he left Elvis turned around and came and sat on the coffee table beside the couch watching as Dr Nick finished up what he was doing. The pain was eased now, whatever he had given me working instantly though it hadn’t done much for the nausea.

'I’ll ring ahead to the hospital,’ Dr Nick said, 'hopefully we can get some scans arranged for as soon as we get there.’ 'Thanks, Doc,’ Elvis said glancing towards the door. Dr Nick followed his gaze and then nodded subtly. 'Right, I er, I’ll leave you to it. Not too long though. The sooner we get her there the better,’ he said. 'Right, right,’ Elvis said. I watched him as he watched Dr Nick leave the room. Then his gaze fell on me. There was an ounce of compassion behind his gorgeous blue eyes but I could see the tension he was holding in his jaw and it was enough to make me feel like I was a naughty schoolgirl.

'E,’ I mumbled trying to get out words even though I didn’t have a plan for what I was going to say. 'Why didn’t you tell me?’ he asked. 'What?’ I said feeling whatever I was going to say suddenly not compatible as a response. 'You didn’t tell me,’ he said, 'you’re in this much pain. Hardly eaten anything, heading for hospital and I’m the last to know.’ 'You had a show,’ I said. 'When did it start?’ he asked pointedly. 'E,’ I said guiltily. 'When did it start? Because I can bet it wasn’t when you were at the side of the stage,’ he said. I looked at him for a moment and then looked away feeling enormously guilty.

'Last night,’ I admitted. Elvis scoffed. 'So you did have time to tell me,’ he said shaking his head. 'When?’ I said, 'we had places to be. Venues, cars, hotels, planes. There was never a right time and I didn’t think it was that serious-’ 'But you didn’t know that!’ he said his voice louder than intended, 'you could’ve…I could've lost… you don’t know what it is. You can't take risks with your health baby.’ 'Elvis,’ I said sadly. I could see the anguish in his eyes as he said it, catching himself on the idea of losing me. He was always so protective over those that he loved, especially when it came to their health. Losing his mother so young made him careful. I had just been so focused on making sure I was doing the best thing for him I hadn’t thought about what he would actually want.

'Honey…you need me to tell about this stuff. No matter what,’ he said. 'What about your tour? I mean we’re going to be at least three hours behind and that’s if they can figure out what it is right away and the Colonel’s gonna hit the roof-’ 'I don’t care about that,’ Elvis said coming to kneel beside the couch and placing his hand on my cheek. 'But-’ 'I. Don’t. Care,’ he said watching me closely. I hesitated for a moment taking in his look of concern and allowing it to soothe me just a tad. 'Good,’ I giggled, making him watch me with amused concern until I explained, 'you can be my buffer from when he shows up shouting the odds.' 'You think I want to incur his wrath?’ he chuckled his anger and frustration disappearing, 'ain’t having no one in that room except medical professionals.’ 'Not even you?’ I asked quirking an eyebrow. 'I’m the exception,’ he said as he helped me sit up. There was a dull ache inside me now though it was nothing as it had been before. 'Maybe we can play doctors and nurses,’ I giggled as he pulled me up to standing where I clung to his side. 'That sounds like a plan,’ he said leaning down to place a kiss on the top of my head. I didn’t feel 100% right but beside him was the best place to be.

#my writing #elvis #elvis presley #elvis Presley x reader #elvis x reader #elvis fic #elvis presley fic #elvis x reader fic #requested #requested fic #the best place to be

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the-duchess-of-domination · 2 months

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TW for ED/ARFID talk

I'm severely emetophobic (to the point of ARFID) yet I love tummies so much? The noises, the smooth skin, how it changes shape depending on how full it is, the fact that we need them to keep us alive! Everything! But only online. I'm such a sucker for upset tummy fluff yet if someone said their stomach hurt in real life I would probably cry on spot and hold my breath around them forever. I think part of the love for tummies (or I guess you could say kink but it's not that sexual for me) is because I wish I could do it IRL. I wish I could comfort people and rub their tummies when they don't feel well. So instead I go to tumblr where I can do it no problem. I know this is rambling, but I hope someone relates

-lurker anon

TW: OCD, Emetophobia

hi anon!! thank you for sharing!! im sure a lot of us (including me!!) can relate!

i’ll share a little bit about myself! everything with me started as a child, and there are a lot of overlapping layers. i knew from an early age (literally by 5 years old) that it was exciting to me when cute boys had stomach aches (usually from being fed too much, throwing up wasn’t really on my radar quite yet but it makes sense because it comes with the territory). most of the pieces of media i can remember leaving an impact on me usually cut away or just insinuated that a male character was nauseous or too full by showing their face turn green or having them duck off screen. nothing was ever particularly graphic. this also led to a fixation on stomachs in general, especially the stomachs of bigger guys.

though i never admitted this fascination to anyone (and nobody ever shamed me), i felt weird because i knew other people didn’t share this fixation, so i kept it to myself and tried to enjoy it in private (this usually took the form of writing stories or seeking out media that possibly had sick boys in it. i was a real sleuth). i was a bit obsessive with it, but overall most of the harm was internal rather than external because i was convinced that to enjoy watching men’s pain and discomfort must have meant i was evil or that something was seriously with me.

the thing with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is that when you explain your compulsions and thoughts out loud they sound silly because you know they aren’t true, but you can’t help but think them. as a child my thoughts told me that to become sick was an admittance of weakness (which, obviously is SO not true lmao) and that expressing vulnerability was a man’s job. i developed crippling emetophobia that has persisted into my adulthood. the idea with vomiting and its lack of control was absolutely horrifying to me.

a man being sick? there is nothing sexier.

but me?

i began to have panic attacks through middle and high school. this later led to contamination OCD, always being terrified of being sick, and again, worrying and having thoughts about why i found it so attractive when boys admitted they were nauseous (that i must be corrupt, a bad person, crazy, etc).

sometimes i think our brains help us cope with trauma and fear by throwing us a bone every now and again. my fear of losing control manifests in fantasies where i hold all the power. i use my fetishes to strengthen the relationship i have with myself: that im not evil, or wrong, or corrupt, or out of control, or crazy. im just a girl who does things a little differently, and control in my fetish life helps me feel more comfortable dealing with my emetophobia in real life.

anyway, that was a long tangent, but i hope this resonates with the people!! 😭 we just love tummies man. i too love the little sounds they make and what those little sounds mean, the look of them, the way they sit on people’s hips, the fact that they can bloat bigger or get smaller, that we anthropomorphize them by saying they get “upset,” the chest and nipples right above them—i could write a manifesto i SWEAR.

-the duchess 👑🦢

#the duchess speaks #emetophilia #emeto kink #tummy ache #belly ache #that was so long but the people need to know

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melrosing · 5 months

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MATE I have a feeling I am so late to this but what happened to your job!

lmao! so much! but I don’t have it anymore! ok you didn’t ask for the full story lmao but im always in the mood for venting lately so the full tale under the cut on What Happened With My Job

so without getting into detail they have been absolute asses all year!! like with each other the women in my team are like Bosom Pals but apart from a handful of pleasant people they just have no time for me lol it’s very cliquey??

anyway. we had some really difficult clients in the Spring who were ready to throw in the towel at every stage of our work process bc it was unfamiliar territory for them. I was leading the project but really struggling to meet their insane expectations like it was HUNDREDS of emails a day from like 8AM to 8PM and their ‘head of’ sometimes swearing at me on calls with a dozen other people and thinking I can work magic and get [MAJOR CELEBRITY] involved in a thing for them when objectively I can’t and just scream. anyway my directors get really uneasy because this is a big client and they don’t want them getting scared off so when the client starts reaching a crescendo of frustration they fully just scapegoat me right at the end of the campaign (at which point our results are great! lmao) and say it will be Dealt With

around the same time I start to realise that the business is failing and my ‘specialist position’ is typically the first kind to go and that COINCIDENTALLY they are on my ass day after day trying to insist im not meeting their ‘standards’ and genuinely making up the most insane reasons why not (like I know I’d be biased saying this but SERIOUSLY) so im like ohhh right. I see where this is going

THEN my dad gets goddamn incurable brain cancer and my whole life falls apart. and they suddenly have to be like ‘oh no. I am sorry this has happened. oh dear.’ I’m off two weeks having a complete mental breakdown until im kindly reminded that cough I’ve almost used up my statutory days of compassionate leave! but per company guidelines they do have to manage my workload whilst i er. struggle indefinitely w the emotional burden?? so my capacity is thus reduced and man you can tell they’re not thrilled about it

so they basically check in every Friday for a month saying ‘hope everything is ok can you take on more work yet’ CONSPICUOUSLY never asking how anything is going with dad (like when I first logged back in I had a catch up with my line manager and kind of tremulously started talking about what had happened and she literally said ‘it’s ok you don’t need to tell me the details’)

THEN I get GASTROENTERITIS 💃🏻 god knows how. but it’s a bad one and I physically can’t eat for a week man I eat like a banana a day and even that makes me sick lol. but whatever the first day I phone in and tell my director im not well. she’s like ‘WELL I ACTUALLY HAVE SO MUCH TO MANAGE RIGHT NOW SO THIS REALLY ISN’T HELPFUL LIKE I GET YOU CAN’T HELP BEING SICK BUT I REALLY NEED TO BE ABLE TO RELY ON MY TEAM TO SUPPORT COS WE HAVE A LOT COMING UP’ (I’m not even kidding)

so on the third day I log back in bc I feel like I need to just push through it but oh no im still vomiting my guts out so I message the same director ‘look I think maybe. I am still sick’ and she says NOTHING in response till I suddenly get a text from my LINE MANAGER saying ‘Hi. X says you say you still don’t feel well. We understand it’s food poisoning. That usually only lasts 24 hours’. LIKE??? apparently with all the compassionate leave I’d had to take, the sick leave was just too much for them to bear lmao so i got myself a goddamn doctor’s note and have to announce every day for the rest of that week ‘I’m still not well sorry’ (they never ever reply)

Then finally I recover and I log back in and my director doesn’t ask me how I am or anything literally just says ‘WELL let’s get straight to business’ and explains the status of everything at me for 20 mins going on about how stressful it all is.

And then an hour later I get a surprise call from my head of department telling me unforch they’re making me redundant. can’t be helped. understand this is a bad time for you personally. (said head of department has never addressed what bad thing is happening personally rn). and im in shock. till i figure that what with my dad this is probably an appalling time to make up some performance based reason to fire me so this was their only option

and then finally I see the paperwork and realise severance pay is a third of my annual salary. so i promptly get over it, log out halfway through the month whilst still being paid for my time till the end of it, and NOT ONE of those fuckers has even reached out to say goodbye in all that time but god knows I never want to hear from them again so?? fuck it! i told HR everything anyway I was like look I don’t want to take formal action but?? I think you should know.

and now im just gonna chill for Christmas w my dad and my fam and my pals and my cats and do my weird asoiaf shit on tumblr I guess lol. so there we go that’s what happened!!!!

tl;dr got made redundant lol

#ask #sorry I think this really does have to be the last time I whine about my job on my goddamn Jaime blog #I mean I don’t even have the job anymore so #but yeah. fuck corporate jobs man. I’ll probably get another one soon enough but that company I am done with forever

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valyalyon · 1 month

Text

August 2, 2025

This short post is about D's labor with her and Raphael's son, lot of CW's ahead. This is does have a happy ending, though, so I hope everyone enjoys!

Previous Post | Next Post

DIE MASTER LIST OR #LYONDIE DIVIDERS

I had entered the hospital early that morning with Raphael at my side...

CW: difficult labor resulting in rapid blood loss, mentions of vomiting, hospital setting, blood collection and transfusion mentions, near-death experience. 500 words.

...My water had broken a few hours before we had arrived, but I had delayed going to the hospital just a bit.

Even arriving after a delay, our son was still not ready to come out, and I went through a pretty agonizing labor. About mid-day, Raphael was calling my mother to come to the hospital.

By that point, I had started to bleed, but not a lot. I was holding up really well, and kept a pretty jovial personality the whole way through, sometimes cracking jokes in the heat of a contraction to help Raphael calm down.

He was definitely panicking, and I know it was warranted…

When my mom arrived, she was brought into another room immediately for her blood to be collected. Only about 35 minutes had passed since she was called, and I had started losing a lot more blood.

I was still seemingly in good spirits, but I was quieter, and my eyes and face were getting dull. Raphael was in panic mode, he had never seen me so weak and was worried he’d be losing me.

I remember trying to crack jokes, but soon I was vomiting.

Within seconds, there were IV’s, blood transplants from my mother, and the voice of a scared Raphael, “hurry! Fuck, hurry!”

There was a moment where I felt myself losing consciousness, I could feel everything around me, but I was standing or floating? Apart from myself, and then I started to lose everything.

I was in quite a lot of pain, and our son was not budging. My cervix was expanding, but my son just wasn’t coming out, I needed to push.

The issue was that I was so weak after all the blood I lost. My brain essentially was convinced that I was dying, and I started to die.

Even after the transplants, my body was like, too heavy to move. Like I had already gone into the mode of a corpse. Emotionally, I died, and my body felt so weak.

My mom’s blood literally saved my life.

For a couple hours, I barely moved, and then I finally gathered the strength.

I sat up and started pushing, giving birth to Leon at 8:15pm.

Leon had tufts of dark hair and he was a fat baby. He laid on my chest with his eyes closed, and a little scowl on his face that reminded me a lot of his father.

Raphael’s eyes were bright for once. He looked at Leon and I with an expression that showed care and concern. Finally, he spoke, “he’s so beautiful… you’re so beautiful. Thank you, Dolores.”

“That labor was scary,” I finally admitted to him.

He nodded his head, a sigh escaping his lips, “yeah that was terrifying.”

“Do you want to hold him?” I asked, looking up at Raphael.

“Please,” he pulled up a chair and I handed Leon over to him slowly.

Raphael took him into his arms, cradling him, and then sitting down, “he’s so pudgy but small…”

“He has your hair,” I laughed and pointed.

“I’m so lucky to have you and him here right now, Dolores. Thank you…”

#cw labor #cw blood #tw body horror #cw hospital #dark romance #lyondie #bluestlyon #writeblr #booklr

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clanoffelidae · 3 months

Text

I’m always scared of jinxing myself by opening my mouth and saying I’m ‘not physically disabled anymore’ or that ‘my cyclic vomiting is gone’; because there’s no cure and we don’t know why it sometimes just… stops. There’s not even really any medication to manage it you just kind of… try to work through it and manage symptoms and side effects as best you can. Namely, the dehydration due to excessive vomiting being the main concern. (Have had abdominal spasms due to becoming dehydrated from it before. Took me 5-6 minutes to army crawl six feet to the shower, wiggle out of my clothes, and stretch up to turn on the hot water to try and soothe the muscles I was in so much pain. It was also like 4am and I was at a homestay in another country so fuck me I guess lol. Fortunately my homestay actually spoke English; which worked out because I speak Spanish decently well so I was making an active effort to converse with her and practice before I got sick, she was extremely helpful because I mainly needed help with specific vocabulary/phrases and she could help me translate them, and then when I got sick and was so exhausted I could barely communicate in English anymore I was able to drop the Spanish and still be understood and given help. That’s a tangent tho lol sorry)

And that’s true of a lot of physical disabilities, sadly, so I’m sure many of you can understand why I’m scared of it. Because I’m one of the lucky ones, even when my condition was at it’s worst I had more good days than bad. One of the defining characteristics of CVS is that in between episodes you would never know something is wrong with us.

And sometimes people just… ‘grow out of it’, so to speak. It most commonly affects children, even being thought of as a pediatric disease, and then just goes away when they get older. I was a weird case, I had two sporadic episodes in high school and then it hit me hard basically as soon as I got to college; it only ever happened when I was an adolescent/adult.

During the worst of it I would have episodes as little as 3 weeks apart; I’d be in severe agony and vomiting profusely for around 24 hours, take several days for the pain to go away (the episode was over but I was sore after the vomiting), and about a week for the brain fog and lethargy to clear up. I knew my stomach was empty, I knew I had nothing in it, but it felt so swollen and I was convinced it was about to tear open like an overfilled balloon. The condition is believed to be related to migraine headaches and I believe it - my severe migraines are the throbbing kind where it feels like my head is about to explode, and that is the exact same kind of pain I was feeling in my stomach. Those same, unique qualities that differentiate the pain of a migraine from another headache were exactly what I felt in my abdomen. I was also light and sound sensitive, seeking darkness and solitude; although it didn’t cause literal pain to be exposed to light and sound like with a migraine headache, it stressed me out for ‘seemingly no reason’, overwhelming me and increasing my pain as a result of the stress and desire for the stimulus to go away.

My last episode was in 2019. I only even had frequent episodes for a little over 2 years.

And I’m still deathly afraid of every new medication I try because I don’t know why it stopped. Nothing about my lifestyle changed, nothing about my habits. I was never able to identify any triggers like with my headaches, it just sort of ‘happened’ as far as I could tell.

I have no idea why it started and no idea why it stopped.

And I’m constantly fucking terrified that I’ll fuck something up and it’ll come back, that this time of peace and ‘health’ is temporary. I’m so fucking scared because it hurts so fucking much and I don’t want to be in pain again.

I don’t want to be in pain again.

And I don’t know why I’m bringing this up or what I’m trying to say really. I guess I just want to get my fears written down because they’re circling in my head again.

And I guess I also want to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone who suffers with a ‘hidden’ condition that no one believes you about, I’m sorry for everyone who is barely dragging themselves through it day by day; in pain, exhausted, and with the people around them burnt out on offering help because ‘why can’t you just get better already’.

I’m lucky, I’m so very, very lucky that for whatever reason my episodes just… stopped. They just stopped. And even still I live aware of the sword dangling over my head, never believing that the dragon is actually dead and is only just sleeping, still there to be reawakened if I mess up (when I don’t have the slightest idea what or where that invisible line I must never cross is), and I never dare to say that I’m ‘cured’ because I don’t believe in miracles like that. It’s a miracle that they stopped, and I’m grateful for it, but I will never dare to believe that they couldn’t come roaring right back any day.

Disability can happen to anyone, and I’m vividly aware that my old pain could be stumbled into at any minute, along with any number of other things, and I’m so sorry to everyone who still lives with their pain that is a constant companion. Mine is sleeping, but I remember it well for how it burned like the sun, to the point that I was able to identify sporadic episodes years after the fact that I had thought only stomach bugs because they were so horrible.

Pain is good, but not like this.

Pain is meant to be a teacher, a protector. A warning system of ‘hey! Don’t do that! We could get hurt!’ Your body’s way of keeping you safe and alive; don’t touch the fire because it hurts, don’t touch the fire because it could kill you. Pain is life’s way of steering you away from death, of keeping you safe and alive; letting you know there’s damage so you know to keep that part safe while it heals and use it less. Because when you’re about to walk into the flames your body doesn’t have the time to sit down and explain it to you gently, it has to alert you ‘NOW. PULL BACK NOW!’

Pain is meant to be a good thing; it’s meant to keep you alive and to protect you, to teach you about danger so you know how to be safe, and go let you know when you’ve been damaged so that you can make sure to give the damage time to heal.

But it’s not meant to be there all the time; it’s not meant to be constantly flashing the alarms when there’s nothing to be done, your body trying to help and let you know that something’s wrong when there’s nothing you can do. It’s not meant to linger until it breaks you, to weigh on your shoulders until you struggle to see the good past it. But just like with any good thing, so often does it become ill.

Pain is a constant companion for too many of us, and I’m so, so sorry for that.

You shouldn’t have to be strong.

I’m sorry.

I just wanted to let you all know that.

#vomiting #cyclic vomiting syndrome #actually disabled #disability #chronic pain #recurrent pain #i hate how pain is such a beautiful thing #your body’s alert system and life’s way of making sure you stay alive #protecting you - teaching you - keeping you safe and helping you to heal #letting you know what you need to #and it just gets twisted into something horrible #becoming chronic and never leaving and breaking you down #being used intentionally by others for cruel devices #and i just. i don’t know.#it upsets me is all #i’m sorry to everyone who has to be strong #you shouldn’t have to be #i’m sorry #life’s hard and survival’s not easy #that’s not the way the world works #i get that and i accept that #but this is more than that #and it’s not fair #and i’m sorry for that #i get that life is a constant battle for survival #but you shouldn’t be having to fight with yourself

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ficklecat · 2 months

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imma bitch about gender™️ stuff real quick

getting married in the same year I realise I’m not cis is WHACK BRO wtf

like literally I’m going through one of the MOST gendered societal practices that exists while barely understanding my own identity and it’s so fuckin stressful and upsetting and fucking with me way worse than I thought

my fiancé is incredible and so is my best friend but even they aren’t used to it yet and I’m still barely comfortable with correcting anyone about my pronouns because I still have a voice in my head that’s saying none of this is real and I’m just overthinking and/or my illness is skewing how I feel about myself

but every time I have to encounter this whole “omg you’re a blushing bride to be!” I want to VOMIT it gives me such a visceral ICK and I’m so uncomfortable about it but I’m not even “out” to anyone besides a very intimate circle of people (and some people at work that I wanted to ‘test it out’ with who have probably already forgotten)

idfk I’m just in this weird gender limbo rn and I have this big event thing this week to go to to taste stuff and discuss details and it’s just about to be so miserably dysphoric for me

and I’ve never really experienced gender dysphoria in a real or intense way, so this is still new to me and it fucking sucks so much because my own brain isn’t even backing me up and is just telling me “you’re being dramatic just stop trying to be cool and different” even though I know that’s not true

UGH

this is so stupid

just don’t perceive me please I’m begging

#it doesn’t help I don’t ‘look’ the part #and yes I know that’s not real #but I mean to say I’m visibly cis #and because I’m still not comfortable telling everyone or correcting pronouns #I feel stuck #on top of other identity shit tied to my appearance #and my current health situation #it all just feels like a lot #ANYWAY #disclaimer here that I’m not an idiot and obviously understand the plight of trans and NB folks who experience this daily #as well as worse things that I’ve never had to deal with due to my cis and/or passing privilege #it’s just frustrating and making me feel stupid #gender shit #ax says stuff

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callsignspark · 3 months

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Ik this isnt part of the ask game, but would you consider showing us how you outline in Trello?? It looks so freaking effective!

I have been waiting for someone to ask me this question. thank you so so so so much you’re going to regret asking lmao

so as I said before I use Trello - a free cloud based project management tool - to outline and write my fics (and also for my to do list and my Christmas present shopping and vacation planning and literally everything) because, to be 100% honest with you, I have no chill. I have never been relaxed about anything. ever. not a single day in my life. and therefore I marinate on fic ideas in my mind for months (sometimes years!) before I start doing anything with them. this is my process I use for everything I write and we’re using Mar[r]y Me as my example!

the first thing is the idea. I get an idea and I word vomit vibes into the closest thing (notes app, google doc, scribbling into my work notebook, texting a friend) and then I marinate on the idea. I first had the idea for Mar[r]y Me on January 25, 2023. it went through several iterations as I shaped what it was going to be and below is what I sent to Jordan in June 2023 and it’s the basis for the story we’ve all been following. (or mostly, it’s changed quite a bit since then.)

once I’m ready to start writing I create a board in Trello. think of a board like a white board, you then add “cards” which I think of as sticky notes except with a lot more features. also my process is the same no matter if it’s a one shot or a multi chapter fic, it just depends if it gets its own board or it goes into my one shot board. (which is filled with ideas waiting to be written lol) anyway. this is the Mar[r]y Me board!

for a multi chapter fic like this each chapter gets a card in the IN PROGRESS list (they move to the right as things get written/posted). each card follows a template: title, due date (loosely assigned to get an idea of what a posting schedule may look like), a label (always being with need to plan), and a checklist. also the chapter outline - obviously.

before I get into the outline, I use the labels as a nice visual representation of what the status of everything is. as the screenshot below shows, the each writing stage has its own color (and I use the color blind color schemes so I get the fun patterns too!) and it gets changed as we go along. it helps me know at a quick glance where everything is at the moment.

I also love the checklist feature, see below. which basically has all the steps I need to follow once I have a chapter written and ready for final editing. it may seem like overkill but I work long hours and you’d be amazed at how easily my brain forgets things lmao. so this ensures nothing is missed when I’m getting ready to post.

now onto the outline. my outline goes from something super basic, to a few bullet points, to an in depth summary of what’s going to be written. using chapter one as an example of this progression.

1. this is the og outline for the whole story. just a dream and a vibe and one sentence. literally.

2. the expanded outline for chapter one

3. just a small section of the final outline I used to write the chapter. a lot of my final outline ends up being actual sentences that I use in the final draft, I basically write the chapter in bullet points and unfinished sentences.

4. I use the very expanded outline to write the actual chapter. following along bullet point by bullet point. an example from chapter 9 since that’s what I’m writing rn.

5. once everything is written, all the bullet points have been used up or ignored, I transfer it into google docs and read it to myself, editing as I go. once I’m happy with my final rough draft I use grammarly to idiot check things because I’m an engineer not an English major. then I start using the checklist (teaser posting, creating tumblr post, etc.) and then the worst part. I walk around my home office and I read the entire chapter out loud to myself and make final edits as I go. is it excruciating to have to listen to myself speak the flirting I’ve just written out loud? yes. have I made myself cry multiple times? yes. do I find a lot of rough spots and smooth them out? yes. that’s usually done on Thursday nights.

6. from there it’s all final editing and formatting and scheduling the final post. I also have to create the accompanying recipe post for Mar[r]y Me so I do that too. and we post on Fridays! sometimes I share the google doc link with friends so they get an advanced copy of the chapter and sometimes they get to be surprised with everyone else (I’m running behind schedule and don’t have time to share it lmao)

it’s a lot of work for something I’m producing for free but I genuinely love it so much and it helps me keep everything straight. there would be so many lost ideas and abandoned thoughts if I didn’t do it this way. it’s crazy that this the first fic I’ve ever written and that I’ll probably be close to 90k words by the time it’s finished.

if you’ve made it this far thank you for indulging my very intense brain and it’s processes. I love the community we’ve created here on this blog and I’m so excited to keep writing and sharing. and I especially want to give a big thank you to my very good friends Ames, Alexa, and Jordan. Mar[r]y Me would not be the story it is without them and I can’t thank you enough for your love and encouragement during this story.

#asks answered #anon <3 #I don’t know how to tag this #elle hyperfixates on something #<- yeah that’ll work

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