#it's just i had never felt that disgusted of myself from being a lesbian since i realized i was a lesbian

[genderkoolaid]

is it weird to feel like i was still treated/classed as a faggot before even knowing i was a boy (i'm transmasc)? i was never called a dyke or derisively called a lesbian or any of that. but i was a tomboy, always was. and i was always heavily derided for crying or "being a crybaby," derided by boy and tomboy friends if i ever liked any Girly Things with comments like "that's so gay (derogatory)", and being masculine but still interested in boys was regarded as this weird and disgusting thing. it's like being a tomboy and, for at least for a part of my life that being accepted, i had this expectation of masculinity placed on me that led to me being castigated by my peers for stepping outside it.

there were still expectations placed on me for "being a girl" and i was punished for not doing that correctly and i experienced heaps of misogyny, but there are so many instances in my life where i was specifically punished for being a tomboy who wasn't masculine in the right way but instead in a gay way. i never felt targeted by anti-lesbian sentiment but always felt very heavily targeted by anti-gay man sentiment. but despite desiring my whole life to be a boy i didn't truly know and accept that i was one until i was 18 and didn't start living as a man until i was 20

idk man my experience with gender growing up was always so weird and confusing and people's assumptions about what i Must Have Experienced based on agab and identity are always incorrect and it's just so incredibly alienating.

I've heard things very similar to this from a lot of trans(+) people. I myself have been out since I was very young and spent the majority of my life openly (gender)queer which definitely shaped how I experienced gender socialization.

This is the problem with using socialization as a Gender Binary 2: Its Inclusive Now! While there are broad trends, people can have such wildly different relationships with gender. Some trans people have always felt targeted based on their assigned sex, some people have always felt targeted based on their gender identity, some people have felt both.

The thing about the patriarchy is that it's a liar and you should never trust anything it says. The patriarchy claims to be a strict gendersex binary for control purposes, but it also must grapple with the existence of queers (gays, trannys, intersex folks) whose existence proves that what it claims to be natural is constructed. Because the ways in which misogyny and transphobia actually function are not tied down by any logic other than "stay in control." Demonizing queer&trans+ people for being "monstrous" for blurring the boundaries between (cishet) men and (cishet) women is like, alongside misogyny, a core part of how gender oppression works. Whenever people expect us to have the exact same experiences as cis people, whether based on gender identity or agab or socialization, they are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

#m. #ask box

[faghubby]

Vacation Freedom

"I think you should get changed, I don't want to see those clothes again until we are headed home" Judy said as she tipped the bell boy for being up our luggage. I flinched alittle as she said it in front of the bellboy. But that is what this vacation was about wasn't it.

Over the last two years Judy and I had explored our sexual fantasies. It started on our third anniversary. We were laying in bed in the after glow of sex. When we started talking about fantasies. Now we had this discussion before but somehow now. I didn't hold back.

"I like to see you with another woman" I told her.

"Really? I don't think I could do that. "Wait Paul are you there too? Is this like a threesome thing?" Judy asked an obvious disappointment in her voice.

"No, just you and her" I told her.

"Would you be with a man if I wanted?" Judy asked.

"Well maybe" I told her. She sat up and turned on the light.

"Really if I wanted to see you suck some guys cock" Judy was saying as she did I got an erection. Since we where only covered by a sheet it was hard to conceal.

"You would!" Judy laughed as she stroked my dick thru the sheet. I didn't try and deny it.

"Have you ever sucked a dick before?" Judy asked as she teased me.

"No, I just " I fell silent.

"You don't get away that easy" Judy said. She let me go and rolled over she went and got something from her dresser. She came back to bed and stroked me again.

"Show me what you do" Judy teased as she held her vibrator to my lips. I looked at her smiling face and parted my lips. She giggled as she watched me lick her toy.

"That is so hot" she told me. After a few minutes she stopped.

"You got me so wet, fuck me" she told me. I didn't last long but she didn't care. I held her as we drifted off to sleep.

In the morning I went to get in the shower. When Judy came in to use the toilet.

"Paul, would you swallow?" She asked staring at me.

"What?" I asked confused.

"Would you let a man cum in your mouth?" Judy asked.

"I guess. I mean you have to try it right?" I said. I was rock hard again

Judy watched as I got in the shower. She joined me as I washed my hair. She stood behind me and stroked my dick.

"When you shower at the gym do you think about all they men and what thier cocks taste like?" She asked. I didn't respond.

"You want to suck them don't you. You aren't interested in them sucking you" she stated as she did she used the soap to lube between my ass cheeks. Her finger teasing my asshole. I came in big spurts.

Judy continued to tease me about cocks, blowjobs even getting my ass fucked over the next few weeks. I found myself admitting to it all. Even telling her how I used to wear my mother's underwear and wonder what if felt like to be a girl. Judy never looked down on it or found it disgusting instead incourged me to tell her more.

She told me she would help me explore my fantasies. First buying a strapon and teaching me to suck "her cock". Then taking my anal virginity with it as well. After that her buying me panties wasn't to far fetched. We continued to play off and on. A year ago Judy had me shave my legs and wear a dress. Taught me to walk in heels. Soon I was dressing up and playing her lesbian lover every weekend. She even bought me a strapon to use on her.

Six months ago we talked about inviting a man to our bed. I agreed but when it came to it I hid. Judy convinced me to at least watch. I sat and watched as a large man fucked my wife with a big cock. Judy tried to intice me to join her. But I just watched. As soon as he left I dove between her legs and licked her for an hour. He had used a condom but I was so turned on I came in my pretty panties as I pleased her with my tounge. Judy took off my panties and made me lick them clean.

"You are just a little sissy" she teased. We talked alot about it. And basically figured I was afraid someone would learn that I was a bisexual sissy.

Thats when Judy came up with taking me on vacation. But I was to be her sissy for the whole thing. Not wearing boy clothes at all. I could watch her have sex with men. Maybe even join in if I wanted.

It was obvious she was not going to be happy till she saw me suck a real cock.

Judy had made sure I was free of body hair. Even plucked my eyebrows a bit thinner but not necessarily in high arches. She had also gotten me a wig.

By this time I had alot of practice and was able to do my own makeup and hair. I got dressed in a skimpy sundress Judy had gotten me. I wore a white thong underneath and a pushup bra held my glue on tits. I choose my long red wig. And 2 inch heeled sandels. Judy nodded her approval as she led me around the resort. We where tired from the flight but it was to early to sleep so a bit of exploring to know our way around. We found ourselves at a pool side bar. As soon as we sat down a group of men bought us a drink. Judy invited them to join us.

John, Brad, Phil and Dave. They were all coworkers on some kind of team building retreat. But had the day off. Dave stood behind me and was not shy about his hands on my ass. While the other three hit on Judy. Fighting for her attention. I was so turned on. Judy noticed it as well. She stood excusing herself to use the ladies room she took my hand for me to join her. She stopped only long enough to whisper something in Dave's ear. When we came out of the ladies room Dave was waiting.

"I like girlie bois" he said quietly to us both. Judy smiled and put my hand in his. He looked around.

"I share a room" he said worried Judy just handed him our key. She squeezed my hand as Dave led me away. I was terrified and excited. Dave was all over me in the elevator kissing me and holding me tight. As we got into the room he stopped .

"I am married" he seemed to need to confess. I just dropped and unbuckled his shorts. I let them fall then pulled down his boxers as well. His average maybe a bit bigger cock was rock hard. I took him in my mouth with ease. I then stopped and looked up at him.

"I never been with a man" I confessed. He grabbed my head and shoved his cock back in my mouth. He was soon face fucking me.

"Yeah, suck it bitch" he told me. The more forceful he was the more I wanted it. I was amazed at his stamina he must of lasted 10 maybe 15 minutes before he grunted and pumped his load down my throat.

Dave was probably 10 years older then me. And 40 pounds heavier. Mostly muscle and height. As he was at least 6' 2" to my 5' 7" he grabbed my arm and practically picked me up from the floor. He lifted my dress over my head. His hands slid over my cage. As they caressed my ass, thighs and stomach. He had me remove the false breast telling me he wanted to see me.

He made love to me, he was tender and gentle even though his big cock nearly split me in two. We fell asleep in each other's arms.

[sappho-ism]

I see a lot of people talking about how being lgbtq+ is just a part of their lives that is just negligible and doesn’t influence who they are as a person.

Which of course, there’s nothing wrong with. But I have a very opposite experience. And I just wanted to talk about it? Because I think about it a lot.

(Note, I will be talking about Christianity and religious trauma so please if that stuff makes you upset, scroll on, I’ve put the tws in the tags but I’m putting it here too just to be safe.)

See the thing is, as I’ve said many times before on this blog, I grew up in a Christian family and was a Christian myself up until I was about 14 when I then left the church. I didn’t even know gay people existed until I started in secondary school and I had a friend who came out to me as a lesbian and she had to explain to me what being LGBTQ+ even was. At that point I was 11. And since being a kid in school meant you were surrounded by other girls who had these “boyfriends.” I never understood that. I never understood the allure of being married to a man, having a child with them, etc. To me, even when I was literally a child, it sounded like something I did not want. Like at all. This lead to me feeling incredibly abnormal compared to so many other people. But I spent that entire first year of secondary with that friend and as I started my second year, a few months before I turned 12, I also came out as a lesbian.

I was outed at church very soon after too. Pastors would pull me aside into rooms to talk about who I was, and why it was a sin that I needed to correct. That I needed to “cast the devil away from my life.” I had friends in that church who were my age. One of which was actually bisexual herself. Her mother throughly hated me because of the fact I was lesbian, worried that somehow I’d “make her daughter gay.” Other people in the church who had previously been family friends now saw me as something to be fixed. That I was a problem and that they needed to remedy it through Christ.

My parents actually had the two church leaders over at our house for food once, and I remember watching one of them go into this fit about how much he hated that the church was being pressured to accept LGBTQ+ people, how it’s wrong, disgusting, and all the other shit you’d expect to hear from a conservative Christian’s mouth concerning LGBTQ+ people. In my own fucking house.

This culminated in me being cohered, guilt tripped and manipulated into being baptised in-front of the entire congregation and then announcing that I was “free of the sin of homosexuality.” Watching people actually rejoice and clap and celebrate such a thing is still something very present in my mind.

I left the church very soon after that. One reason because I didn’t believe in any high power to begin with. The other being I felt like I had utterly betrayed myself. I hated myself. And everyone else in that place hated me too. They just liked to pretend they didn’t, and “only hated the sin.” I went through so much confusion and upset over who I was, and trying to navigate that as a young teenager while simultaneously being told that I was disgusting for even existing by a community I had grown up in was suffocating.

But once I was finally away from all of that, I still had to endure the fucking isolation that comes with being literally the only other out lesbian in my school and, to my knowledge, my college and just being a lesbian in society in general but I won’t go into that because this post is long enough.

Being a lesbian has literally defined my experiences that have shaped me growing up. It’s been there. Everywhere. I’m still trying to combat feelings of shame over my own sexuality that come creeping in every so often, especially since I’m still very exposed to Christianity through my family. But being able to call myself a lesbian instills me now with this feeling of joy and self assurance, feelings that initially were just plain shame and self hatred. I feel incredibly connected to that part of myself, and by extension the community. Even when I haven’t known other shit about myself or who I was, that was the thing I did know.

Being a lesbian directly impacts me. It did and it definitely still does. It’s not just a negligible fact about me or anything. It’s so important in a way I still can’t properly describe and idk if I ever will be able to. But it’s nice.

I didn’t have this ability to be so open about myself when I was younger. And now I finally have the chance, I’m going to take it. Yes, it still puts me in danger, yes, people are going to fucking hate me for it. But I’m doing it for younger me who didn’t have the chance, who was bullied and ridiculed and made to feel like she was a disgusting abomination for simply existing.

#long post #verrryy long post #essay at this point #I’m sorry this is literally so long but it’s late and I am thinking #tw christianity #ex christian #tw religious trauma #lesbian #wlw #lgbtq #lgbt #sapphic #lesbians #nblw #lgbtqia

[umbreoncomplex]

can i be honest? im really happy about buck being bisexual. yada yada oh but he didnt kiss eddie. whatever. okay? ive been with this show since that fateful night in january 2018. id seen the previews and ads for the show for a while and so i awaited the night eagerly and watched the premiere episode with my mom. this was 6 years ago, and i was young, and still new to being queer, and to me that was something you kept secret in online chatrooms and fanfiction read in the dead of night. i was young, and maybe trans maybe lesbian. and you weren't supposed to be those things in the "real world". and this is a truth i keep in my mind for a while. and then, i dont remember when, but we are introduced to karen. hens wife. these two become the first queer people ive seen on screen outside of online circles. away from fanfiction and cartoons. and they feel so real. so tangible. and i feel seen. because maybe ive met queer people before. but we were always tucked away into the digital world. this was cable tv. this is what everyone could see. and this meant there were dozens and dozens of people behind the scenes letting this be real. and in that moment i felt everything could be okay. and i found lonestar, i found paul, and by now i was familiar with queer people in media and in real life but paul was a trans man on tv and this was so new to me and once again i felt comforted. felt seen. i smiled when owen helped paul with skincare in that one bathroom scene and it was normal and okay. but heres the thing. these were queer people established from the beginning. and they have always been queer. and i love them for that. i love hen and i love paul and i love carlos and i love tk and i love nancy. but we have never gotten to see discovery yet. and ive been with this franchise 6 years. ive had all these queer headcanons in my head, some big ones i knew could never be true, but that's okay, because i could still imagine them and discuss them with friends and make them real to myself. and while buck being bi was plausible, maybe far more likely to happen than any other headcanon i had, i was familiar with this show. queer identities had been established from the beginning. you knew from the get go if a character would be queer or not. and so i expected this status quo to stay. and yet it didnt. because on the 100th episode of this show thats carried me through these psst few years, buck kissed a man. or more accurately, was kissed by a man. and he wasnt disgusted. wasnt appalled. didnt pull away. he reciprocated. and this wasnt like with tk. this isnt oh haha some guy thinks buck has a crush on him and buck is bewildered because oh! he's obviously straight. this is a kiss. and he kissed back. and when he lets go hes shocked. surprised. but not bothered. this is bucks "oh" moment, even described as such by oliver stark. this is a beginning. this isnt a scene they're going to throw away, but a story theyre starting. and it's going to be something entirely brand new for 911. because now we can see someone grow into their identity. accept it. learn to be themselves proudly. ive loved buck since day 1 of this series, and i cant help but feel proud. and i know he's just a fictional character yada yada who cares. but i care. because ive watched his story for 6 years. his struggle to love himself. to accept he can be desired and cared for. and hes been getting better. but now hes been introduced to something new. and now he must love himself in a new light, learn to love himself through change, and not just as a static personality. and im happy. and i wont stop being happy. and oliver stark said "you were right". and i was. and i cant believe i am. that this story can exist outside of my head. outside of online chatrooms. outside of fanfic. and it feels poetic, to watch buck come into himself in real time like this

#911 spoilers #911 abc #911 season 7 #evan buckley #evan buck buckely #bi buck #<- ive noticed thats become a tag lol #911 100th episode #eep i think those cover all my bases

[archangeldyke-all]

feel free to ignore this if it makes you upset or uncomfortable!! I was watching this video by Caelan Conrad about how grooming is portrayed with lgbtq people and it really just broke me.

I’m a 18 year old lesbian from the south. I’ve come out to my immediate family (most are Christian) but most of them dismissed it as me being to young to know. I’m so fucking scared that if I even end up dating, that they’ll being to see me as a groomer or something. I have a little sister and it hurts so much when I distance myself from her but I just can’t handle the possibility of someone thinking that I would ever hurt her like that.

i know that a lot of lgbtq people find joy in life but it feels so unattainable with everything right now. Do you ever get over this daunting fear? Do you have it?

hi baby. i wish i could give you the biggest fucking hug in the world rn. i've never seen this video, but i do know a LOT about this fear and being dismissed. this is going to be a long post, lol

i came out at the age of 13 to my mom. it was a complete accident, i didn't mean to come out, but her intuition figured it out. she was certain i was too young to know, and i had my first ever panic attack right in the middle of the lunch rush at a local cafe! it was horrible. at school, i was the first queer kid out, and as a result i faced a lot of horrible, shitty, disgusting, perverted questions and comments and teases. i was raised incredibly catholic (like, church 2/3 times a week) but through my adolescence i lost my faith and... no one was sad to see me go.

all of this is to say: i'm very familiar with this feeling. i doubt you'll ever meet a lesbian that hasn't felt this way. we're made to feel so predatory and ashamed for feelings and attractions that are completely natural and normal. (there's plenty of sociological reasons for why queer people in general are always portrayed as predators, and there's even more reasons that lesbians are specifically targeted by the 'grooming'/'predator' comments so often that i'd be happy to talk about some other time.) it's depressing and discouraging, but i promise you every single one of us feels this way. you are not alone.

i also promise that it gets easier. it's so fucking corny and lame, but it's also true.

give it time. your family will become a smaller and smaller fraction of your world. this isn't to say they will matter any less, just that your world will expand beyond them. you'll find passion in your work or art or hobbies and gain more freedom as you get older. you will make queer friends, you will find queer spaces. they won't be where you expect, and it likely won't be glamorous, especially in the south, (hell, coming from a small town midswesterner here: some of my best memories come from loitering in the wal-mart parking lot and breaking into the public parks after closing) but you will find them. you'll also make straight friends who love you, and they'll prove to you that the world is changing for the better! you'll work with queer people, you'll love queer people, you'll beef with queer people, and each time you meet another person like you, you'll feel your world grow a little bigger.

most of your family will come around in time. if they don't-- don't worry about it. you can't control what they choose to believe about you, you can only control you. don't push away your sister-- you'll regret it when you get older. instead, show her how much you love her every single day, treat her with compassion and respect, and she'll treat you the same way, regardless of the shit she hears from your family.

also: anyone who accuses you of doing something horrible is just projecting. you are not the problem-- they are.

and finally: despite the fact that i've been out of the closet since i was a kid, and the fact that 'dyke' was my nickname in highschool-- i was scared to say the word 'lesbian' until i was 19 years old. i was consumed with the fear, discomfort, and disgust you're feeling right now. but as i grew up and my world got bigger, i realized that there wasn't anything wrong with me, there was just a whole lot of shit wrong with the world. and it took time to unlearn all the shit swirling in my head, but day after day, i got more confident with myself. what helped the most, though, was reading about, and meeting and interacting with other lesbians (old or young, annoying or mean or nice, butch or femme-- any lesbian) whenever i could. the more i learned about lesbians and lesbian history, the more compassion and respect i had for them-- and then for myself for being one of them.

and now look at me: i'm running a lesbian smut blog!!

joy is on the horizon for you, baby. it'll start small, but it'll grow and grow and grow. i really hope this helped you believe it <3 i love you so much, i'm sending you a million kisses, i'd you'd like them. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[ihateliterature]

As a kid, I was everything they expect a trans man to be. I hated pink with a passion. I hated girly things, gossip, make-up, doing my hair, pastels, flowers, one direction, Twilight, 50 Shades and everything else the girls around me liked. I called myself "not like other girls". I begged my mom to let me cut my hair short for years and when she finally let me at 14 I almost cried in the hair salon. Just the simple idea of putting a dress on filled me with dread and disgust. I spent more time with guys and I never felt at home among girls, always unwelcomed, always an intruder, although I didn't know why

But I am not a man. I never was. I called myself a lesbian, demiboy, genderfluid, agender, maverique and so many other terms, but I could never just call myself a man

I loved Barbie ever since I was a kid. I saw all the classic movies, but I could never bring myself to reveal that until recently

I liked make-up and deeply admired mua, but I could never try it for myself or admit to this

My discomfort with girls was actually fear all along, as most of my major abusers have been women and girls so I was hypervigilent around them

It's weird. Being constantly punished by society for your masculinity while being hypermasculinized. I was "the brave one", "the strong one", or so people said, I was actually just the freak. The token masc in every group. Being dubbed the butch lesbian even if I was never any of these things

Society pushed femininity on me, and I fought back bc I didn't want it, not that way. But after a while I just couldn't even attempt to breach that femininity, bc it would have meant they were right, it was a phase, I was just a spoiled brat wanting to be special. Even if I knew it was wrong, I had to keep going, bc I've come too far and getting patted on the back for finally "growing up" would have hurt more than suppressing that part of me

Until it happened

I finally cut off my last link to my teenage years. The best friend who treated me like an accessory and the ex that tried to "fix" me and make me into an alloro Dom masc lesbian for her fantasies

I was alone, I felt like I got cut off from my own identity. It was both freeing and terrifying. And I said fuck it. If it is a moment, it's this one

I've grown up from that scared teenager. I don't care anymore. People can talk, I won't listen, because I know who I am and how far I've become. My femininity is not a retraction of my masculinity, but a part of it, my femininity is masculine in nature and the more femme I dress the more masc I feel. That me, that's who I am

I love Barbie and mua. I like wearing long skirts and crop tops. I like wearing spiky eyeliner. And it's alright. It doesn't invalidate who I used to be. I don't need to be the "token masc" or the butch, I don't need to be the fantasy of cis women, and I definitely don't need to listen to them when it comes to my presentation. I am non-binary and I don't owe anyone androgyny or masculinity or femininity, I don't need to make myself palatable to cis people. I can just be myself

#transgender #transmasculine #transmasc #non binary #rant post #masculinity #femininity #androgynous #genderqueer

[lesbian-ed]

Hi. I don't know if this blog is still active but in case it is I was hoping maybe to hear some thoughts from you, or maybe even your followers, about confidence and comfort towards one's own body. Like how to deal with anxiety. I am lesbian, obviously female, way too old, I've never had sex, or even really dated. I don't approach people romantically because I hate my body and distance myself from all chances for dating. I've been trying to lose weight but I've struggled with obesity practically all my life. I also think I'm much hairier (I mean it's everywhere and I'm not light haired either omg) than what is normal for most women, and I hate both shaving and just letting the hair grow. I have more or less given up on dating because I don't want people to see me naked or get close to me. Sometimes I feel I'm content but sometimes I feel this isn't healthy: it concerns me that my hatred for my body is keeping me from experiencing intimacy, and how long can that go on until it becomes psychologically damaging. Though who am I kidding - the damage's been done. I understand that people of all shapes and sizes etc. date, fall in love and so on, but I have this deep-rooted discomfort about my body that I've felt since I was around twelve. So I was hoping to hear some thoughts or experiences on how one might overcome this kind of persistent disgust, though I understand if this isn't the kind of ask you wanna answer. In any case thank you for reading.

Hi! I'm sorry this ask has been sitting in our inbox for a few months, unfortunately we don't always still have the time or energy to go through the asks anymore. I wanted to answer this, and I know it's so late but here's to hoping you might wander back here someday, and that this may help you, or another woman who feels similary.

I shared this view for a really long time (so much so, I identified as trans for a long time. I never felt "woman enough" because of my body). I struggled with being fat, hairy, "unwomanly".

When I was in school all of my friends got attention from boys and men, and I never peaked anyone's interest. Even though I didn't want to be with boys, I still craved that attention, I thought there was something wrong with me for being someone who no one would ever want. I punished myself with no eating, too much eating, self harm.

For me, what finally clicked was when I was first introduced to radical feminism, and through that I started thinking about the concept of inherent worth. I knew all women had inherent worth for being women, for being alive. I knew I had empathy and care for all women, regardless of thei appearance, and I thought they all deserve respect. That eventually led to the radical realization that if I think all women are worthy, then I must extend this to myself. I am woman, just as any other. And my external appearance doesn't change my self worth.

It really helped to stop seeing what is considered "ugly" as a negative thing, and rather to think of it as neutral, inconseqential, of no value. Instead of looking at all that was "wrong" with me as a bad thing, I took all power from it. I knew that I would never think badly of other women who looked like me, so why would I be the only exception?

Slowly, I was able to take away all the weight I put into my appearance, and became more neutral. Don't get me wrong, I'm not magically healed. There are still days where I'm reminded of all the ways that I don't fit into society's expectations for what a woman should be. I'm reminded of how terrified my mom was and still is that I'd end up staying fat. I'm reminded of aunts and uncles comenting on me losing and gaining weight since I was as young as 6 or 7. I know that being hairy, with dark body hair all over, is not the standard for what's attractive.

But those days have less weight in the grand scheme of things because no longer is my focus in life to be palatable. And I don't mean to come off like I have all the answers, that my way is the only way. I know this is not an easy journey.

But I think in order for you to start seeing yourself as someone who is worthy of desire, of love, of care, first you've got to see yourself as human. The more I look back at how people treated me growing up, at how people still treat me now, the truth is that society doesn't see "ugly" women as people. We are dehumanized, objectified as clutter, things in the way of what is "right".

I'm sure you're a kind and nice person. Look at yourself from the outside in, look at yourself as you'd look at someone else: what would you say to yourself then? Would you really think so badly of you then?

Be patience. I understand we have a lot telling us that we are not good enough, that aging is bad, that we have expiration dates. But as long as you are around, you are human, you are worthy of kindness.

Regarding the romantic aspect of this, I used to share your anxiety, that no one would want to look at me naked, that I would never feel comfortable undressing in front of someone. But then I met my girlfriend, and she made me feel so comfortable with myself that when we finally met and the time came to share intimacy... It just happened so organically, so naturally. It wasn't a performance, it was caring for each other. Not once did she look at me with disgust, not once was she anything but kind. I don't think it's just because she's some saint. I think when you care about someone, attraction comes naturally, and you don't separate body and mind. You just know that is your person, and you want them fully.

So maybe slowly working on allowing others to see you for who you are, not physically, but like.... Your personality. Open up. It doesn't need to be going on dating apps. It's just... surround yourself with women. Be around other women, love them, let them love you.

Things move slow, but self care can be just allowing a friend to tell you you're a good person. Accept compliments, even when your instinct is to tell others that they're wrong. Be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness, there is nothing about the way you look that is inherently wrong.

Posting this here so hopefully we'll hear from others as well, and hopefully you'll catch this one. Take care. Be well. You deserve good things, just because you're human, just because you're there.

#mod a #self image #self esteem #self harm #body image #October 28 2022

[watermelinoe]

hey! sorry if this is inconvenient but I've been reading about your experience while being febfem and I wanted to ask you for your perspective on something. it's okay if you don't want to answer! also english is not my first language and this is gonna be super long

tw for csa/rape. you can stop here if you want to

I've been having trouble figuring out if I'm a lesbian or bisexual. from 14-18 I labeled myself as bi but I knew I didn't have any sort of attraction to men. I never had crushes on any guy, fictional or irl. I never felt any sort of romantic or sexual attraction to them – actually, quite the opposite, since I was a kid I noticed they caused me dread, disgust or indifference. if any boy tried to approach me the only thing I felt was anxiety and/or anger. it was different with girls. I felt sexual attraction to them, I wanted to be with them, I felt good and excited thinking about them. all of my crushes have been on girls. so, even when I labeled myself as bi, I knew I only had interest in being with women.

by the time I was 19 I was like, okay, that must mean I'm a lesbian. And it felt so nice, figuring myself out. I still like women the same amount; my problem is my possible attraction to men.

this is very difficult for me to talk about but oh well. as a kid I've been sexually assaulted plenty of times, both by other kids (boys) and adult men. they'd touch my genitals or make me touch them and/or hold me in place without letting me go. one of these adult men was especially awful and for some time my brain just deleted everything to do with him when I was 9. but I remembered some time later and I talked to my parents about it (mostly bc I was pretty sure my sisters were also assaulted by him and I was so scared he would come back since he used to be a family friend). my parents, especially my mom, shamed me for it though and treated it as if it were my fault and I had wanted it.

other than that, my first contact with f/m couples during childhood was pretty bad – both inside my house, with other couples I've met and on tv. from my point of view, it was like women were always trapped in awful situations and needed to be submissive. I also tried to ask my mom about it when I was 10/11, but she shamed me again and told the rest of the family I was asking about indecent things.

I don't think about any of this much bc they're very unpleasant memories. but when I was 9/10 I remember that I'd have noncon fantasies with men. I just thought that's how it worked, that's how it'd be. but I'd feel disgusted afterwards. eventually, along with everything else, I stopped thinking about this bc it made me upset. so for quite some time I avoided anything to do with sex bc of the discomfort it caused me, especially since I didn't like boys (and had no romantic interest in them).

(before all of these things happened and before most of these assaults even took place, I already didn't like boys. I remember already feeling dread and indifference towards them when I was 5 - 7 years old, for example).

I only ever figured out gay people existed when I was around 13. and when I was 14 I noticed that *I* could like girls – not only that, I already liked one! she was my closest friend back them and I liked her so so much. for the first time romantic or sexual attraction became an exciting, fun, good thing to me. I had never thought it could feel good.

that's when I started labeling myself as bisexual. like I said, I already knew I didn't like boys, but what if I did like one in the future, right? but it never happened. and then I figured I must be a lesbian.

but last year I Iearned how to properly masturbate. like I said, I never thought back to the things that happened in my childhood bc it made me upset. but very quickly I noticed that masturbating upsets me, bc it reminds me of back then, and also bc the noncon fantasies I used to have when I was a kid came back. only with men, obviously, as I could never imagine being in such an awful situation with women. but I did fantasize about women too and it always felt nice/safe.

I searched about it and people were saying it's normal to imagine those things. but I decided that I didn't like it, it made me feel gross and anxious. my brain once again started to push it all to the back of my mind and for months I didn't think about it. I decided to try masturbating again recently but, even if I didn't imagine anything bad or to do with men, I started feeling like shit again afterwards. for the past few weeks it's been the only thing in my mind and for the first time I decided to willingly think about what happened during my childhood.

I'm almost 21 now and, thinking back, I think my fantasies are all just an response to everything that happened. the only way I've ever imagined myself with men was in situations of assault/rape. knowing what it means hopefully will make it easier for me to heal and create a healthier future relationship with sex and anything to do with it. but I've been thinking, does it really matter that the fantasies were noncon? I still fantasized about guys in a way so that must mean I have at least a slight attraction to them, right? or do I have do try being with a guy before knowing for sure? have I always felt attraction to them and my trauma just got in the way of it?

I've been having a hard time thinking about a possible attraction to men without linking it to assault/rape automatically too. if I do like men, does that mean I like to be assaulted? I can't imagine men in normal, healthy circumstances. even in the fantasies, there was so much disgust and contempt involved. I still feel gross.

I've been reading about the febfem term and, if I do figure out that I feel something for men, I'll definitely go with this label. all of these memories, including the ones from last year, make me upset and I know I don't want to go near guys. but I wouldn't use the lesbian label while feeling some or any sort of attraction to guys, that'd be wrong. it's been somewhat comforting to read you say that you can be bi and not want anything to do with men.

I can't talk about this with anyone in my life but it's been driving me crazy and I just wanted to ask for your perspective. do you think that means I like guys? should I try something with a guy before coming to any conclusions? do you think I could heal from the way I view sex? everytime I think about liking men my mind just goes back to assault/rape, but perhaps that's something I need to heal from?

I cry whenever I imagine liking men, but that could be the trauma I think. maybe I do like guys, but I just don't want to and I'm suppressing it. idk.

I'm sorry if this is too much, I'm just so confused and it's been so painful thinking about these things. I just want to feel okay again and I've been crying for days but I can't seek confort from my friends or family. at this point I just need someone else's thoughts on the situation. it's really okay if you don't want to answer though.

hi anon, i'm going to do my best to give you the kind of answer you're looking for that will be reassuring, but please don't treat me as an authority on your experiences here, on the contrary, i hope you can find a way to make peace with yourself and give yourself the real answer.

i can't tell you whether what you feel for men is attraction or not. from what you've described, i don't think you are attracted to men. these "fantasies" sound like intrusive, internalized self-harming mechanisms stemming from your trauma, that have attached themselves to your sexual development and harmed it. that isn't your fault. for me, early exposure to fetish content warped my sexuality, and i also struggled before coming to terms with my bisexuality - and i still have an unhealthy sexuality tied to that pervasive cultural masochism that's inflicted on girls from a young age. as a result, febfem is the term i feel best describes me, because i like men but i don't like the way i feel when i'm with men. to me it sounds more like you may not like men at all.

you have an even denser web to untangle... but, i want to give you permission not to. i know, it's probably a cyclical thought loop, and you're afraid of calling yourself the wrong thing, but you aren't hurting anyone by using the label that best describes you to the best of your knowledge right now. if, say, ten years from now, you were to suddenly experience genuine attraction to a man, that wouldn't mean you were a liar for ten years. we can only work with the information we have, and finding out you were wrong doesn't make you a bad person.

you also have no obligation to "fix" your reaction to men, except to work on rewiring your libido, because right now it's burdened by intrusive associations with your trauma. but you never have to sleep with men to prove your sexuality. if you were attracted to men, that would be true whether you have sex with them or not, but if you aren't - and to me it sounds like you are not - then you'd be engaging in self-harm.

it's also perfectly fine not to label yourself one way or the other if you feel too conflicted. you know you're attracted to women. you belong in spaces for same-sex attracted women. you are not hurting anyone by being in lesbian or bisexual spaces in order to understand yourself better. i think being around other women, online or in real life if you can, will be much more rewarding for you than being with men. you don't have to have all the answers right now. focus on what makes you feel safe and happy.

i wish i could offer more resources for your past trauma, to help you heal your sexuality so you can have a healthy sex life (masturbation included) free of thoughts that upset and disgust you. maybe some of my followers have similar experiences or recommendations for material that can help? i'm wishing you all the best, anon.

#answered #rape tw #cocsa tw #long post

[desbianherstory]

Sharan Dhaliwal is an openly bisexual British-Indian writer, journalist and activist. Dhaliwal is the founder and editor of Burnt Roti, a South Asian magazine. She also created Oh Queer Cupid, a queer speed dating and comedy night, in addition to founding and directing Middlesex Pride. Dhaliwal’s memoir Burning My Roti: Breaking Barriers as a Queer Indian Woman was published this year.

Since Burnt Roti’s inception, I came out as bisexual and realised that a lot of the reason that I had held back from living my true life was because of the way I grew up. I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t a continued pained experience for others, so I started to focus on LGBTQ+ stories, and out of that have created Middlesex Pride. It’s the first Pride event for Middlesex – I want to focus on discussions and education. I grew up in Southall and Hounslow and, along with many other South Asian people, was immersed in a very traditional life. When I came out, I noticed messages from people thanking me for doing it, but also telling me that they can not – I learnt that a lot of these people lived in the Middlesex area. There’s a severe lack of LGBTQ+ visibility in communities there and that creates two things – a lot of people don’t understand what sexuality means for the LGBTQ+ community and tend to focus on sexual acts or HIV. It means that the stigma attached to it causes young people to stifle themselves, sometimes exacerbating mental health issues. Another thing it does it creates a doubt in the minds of those who are discovering their sexuality. If it isn’t discussed or taken seriously, it must not be real. People could live a long time (like myself), keeping any feelings or desires to themselves. My mental health suffered, I was in various relationships I didn’t actually want to be in and I was stuck in a destructive pattern of getting with someone, disliking the situation and leaving it soon after.

So attitudes towards sex and sexuality where you grew up were a little guarded?

There’s a stigma around sex and sexual acts (like with much of society), and it’s considered ‘dirty’. Talking about our bodies is seen as ‘disgusting’ – including puberty and menstruation. A lot of South Asian womxn learn to keep to themselves – never asking questions and never really learning more than they’re told. It’s changing a little, but there are still remnants of it there, which I want to break down. Older generations would, for example, say that they never heard of the word ‘lesbian’ before. There’s not really a word that translates in the Punjabi language now (I’m not sure if that’s changed over time) but there is a language barrier. Teaching certain words, what they mean and what effect they would (and wouldn’t) have on them is important. There’s still stigmas and negative connotations, but it needs to be broken down and explained.

So, being bi! What are your experiences like as a bi woman of colour in 2019?

Ok so let’s talk about fetishisation. The first woman I went on a proper date with was a white American, who seemed to have an obsession with Indians. I’m not gonna lie, I ignored the red flag from her text which popped up on my phone in all caps “I REALLY WANT AN INDIAN”. At first I wondered if she was Indian, and then she spent the rest of the day texting me about Bollywood films, as if I knew nothing about them. It felt strange. But I was incredibly attracted to her and just wanted to go on a date, so I did. She didn’t speak too much about Indian stuff then, but the texts continued – she wanted me to teach her Hindi. I suddenly felt like I was working as an unpaid language tutor. For some reason, I expected to experience fetishisation from cis men, not from the LGBTQ+ community – it was that naivety that was the biggest blow. I’ve had struggles being specifically bi on dating apps – lesbians haven’t taken me seriously. I’ve had some unmatch me because they assumed I was just “messing around” on the app. I’m now in a relationship with a woman and it feels amazing – she doesn’t question my bisexuality, she knows I want to be with her. It’s not just the lesbian community – there are bad eggs everywhere. But bisexuality is definitely considered a ‘half assed attempt at being gay’.

How did your family react when you came out?

My dad had a pure and wholesome reaction, where he quoted me verbatim “Sharan, sexuality is fluid” and I lost it. Firstly, credit me when you quote me, secondly I don’t even know if he knows what he’s saying. But bless him, he doesn’t care about my sexual preference, he just wants me to be happy. My mother had a strange reaction – she jumped between disliking it and not caring. I think she thinks there’s fifty per cent chance I will marry a man, so she’s just relying on that. I don’t want to get into maths with her, so I just let her be for now. But a big part of Middlesex Pride is to allow her and others like her to find out more about what it means to want to be with someone who isn’t the ‘expected gender’. I want her to know it’s okay if I don’t marry a cis man. In fact, I’m going to marry my girlfriend, so she has to be on board or she won’t get to hang out with her grandkids lol.

#Sharan Dhaliwal #people #indian bisexual women #indian queer women

[menalez]

Questtioning Febfem anon i can relate. Personally ive reached a point where it doesnt matter to me anymore trying to find my "innate sexuality" because ill never really know how id feel about men if hadnt experienced the amount of trauma that i have, even though thats also really hard to accept tbh, bc theres always this sliver of doubt and the feeling of not truly knowing yourself, but honestly, who under like 70 actually truly does?

What matters to me right now is learning from my experiences with men. It doesnt matter wether or not what i feel for them is real, genuine and inherent sexual attraction or not, because i know that after every encounter ive had with a man, even men ive trusted and loved and consented to having sex with, my body inevitably goes haywire and i end up panicky, disgusted and full of guilt, shame, self hatred and extremely destructive urges.

I had a hard time accepting that and i thought since i clearly am bisexual since ive had consensual sex with more than one man, maybe this time it'll be good and it'll be worth it and i just gotta relax or communicate or something, for a long time, because it felt like i somehow had to.

But i dont have to. I never had to. And although i miss sex and dating, it is better to be celibate until ive healed and worked on myself enough to feel like im "worthy" of being intimate with another woman again, and having no romantic or sexual encounters is much better for my overall well being than engaging in sexual acts that i know will make me feel horrible both during and after the fact.

There is no shame in being attracted to men, and there honestly isnt even a need/obligation to figure out if you truly are attracted to men or not. What matters is that you know what you DO want, and if you feel a hunger and desire for other women and you know thats what you actually want, just focus on that.

You're not defined by your attraction to men nor by your lack of attraction to them. Do what makes you feel good, and dont do things that make you feel bad. You dont have to identify as a febfem in order to never date or sleep with a man ever again in your life, you dont need a label nor an excuse, although i 100% understand the appeal of wanting to find a community that gets you were you can be completely open without worrying about overstepping or invading lesbian only spaces, while also wanting to avoid having to hear about men and het sex etc.

What im trying to say is just, We'll be okay, you'll be okay, i hope the best for you random online woman who ive never spoken to but feel a great deal of solidarity with. Love you, be safe, take care of yourself and prioritise your own wants and desires♡

!!!!

[piqued-curiosity]

hi! just wondering because i had the same experience (even when i believed 'twaw' i knew i'd never even talk to one); what was that like for you? did you ever think badly of yourself for knowing you weren't attracted to them? (i personally berated myself a lot and was too afraid to say anything in regards to a lack of attraction)

it's okay not to answer btw! i just saw one of your posts and the thought came up (:

Hi! This is something I have a lot to say about, so I’m more than happy to answer, and thank you for asking!

It sucked. I felt the same way you did, with berating myself and feeling bad about it, and not daring to say anything about how I truly felt.

I ran a transmed blog that would get a lot of asks, and many of them would be asking me my opinions on things like this. I would always stand firm in my belief that lesbians couldn’t be attracted to males… but would protect myself from transphobia accusations by saying “but trans women have transitioned to female, so lesbians can be attracted to their female sex characteristics”. It’s bullshit because men can’t transition to female, and will never actually have female sex characteristics that lesbians would be attracted to. And I think I knew this deep down, because I always knew I wouldn’t be attracted to a trans woman, and I always felt like something wasn’t right when I said these things. But it was either convince myself lesbians could potentially be attracted to a man if he looked enough like a woman, or be harassed for being a “terf”.

When it came to “genital preference” discussions, my stance was always that lesbians cannot under any circumstances be attracted to penis. At one point I would say “but some lesbians might be able to work around it (not me though)”, but that was a very short amount of time before I saw how homophobic that was and cut it out. Still, I would agree that lesbians could be attracted to post-op trans women. And that’s where the guilt came in.

Transmeds are less extreme than the others when it comes to obscuring reality, but they still do it to some extent. One example is how they’d claim that a neovagina is “just like” a vagina. This always felt wrong to me, because I wasn’t attracted to the idea of a surgically created vagina. It was gross to me. But I got the impression that expressing this feeling would be the last straw for people, because I was sort of known as a “Good Lesbian”; a lesbian who you should listen to about lesbianism, only because she’s not a terf (see; only because she stays in line). Expressing my homosexuality in an uncensored way seemed like a great way to be branded a “terf”. So from what I remember, I’d try to just avoid saying a clear yes or no to questions of “would you date a post-op trans woman”, and would just answer with “I don’t know”.

But internally I felt awful about it. I would dig deep and try to figure out why the idea of dating a trans woman was so disgusting to me. They’re women, right? So I should be attracted to them, right? But I knew they were male and that I couldn’t be attracted to males. I also knew I couldn’t voice that, because many equate that with saying that trans women are men, which despite being true is considered the greatest sin of all.

For a while I wished that I was straight and wanted kids, so that I could at least fall back on the “I want biological kids” reasoning for not wanting to date trans people, which seemed to be the only acceptable “excuse”. But since I didn’t have that excuse, I tried desperately to figure another one out. The best that I could come up with was that I don’t find plastic surgery attractive, and since passing trans women have had a lot of surgery to get to that point, including the surgically created “vagina”, I wouldn’t be able to date them. To an extent this is true, because I’m very easily disturbed by medical stuff. I would not be able to handle a neovagina and the dilation and all that even if I could be attracted to it.

But it’s really sad that I even felt the need to have this in my mind as an “excuse” for my lack of attraction to men. It’s sad that as a lesbian, I didn’t find my natural sexuality to be enough of a reason to say no to men. And I’ll never forgive the people who made me feel that way, and feel incredibly awful and guilty for any lesbians I might’ve made feel that way while I did my whole “some lesbians can be attracted to trans women!” routine.

Another thing I would say and agree with is that “it’s fine to not want to date trans people, but be nice about it.” We’d actually say “it’s not transphobic to say ‘you’re a great woman, but I’m not into you’, but it’s transphobic to say ‘you’re a man and I’m not attracted to men’”. Which, fine, be polite… but at the same time, why should lesbians have to be polite when our boundaries aren’t being respected? It should be a well known fact that lesbianism excludes males, and that any male who thinks he has a chance with a lesbian is a homophobic asshole. Lesbians shouldn’t have to be nice to these men, we should be able to shut them down with “you are a man, you know I am incapable of being attracted to you, leave lesbians alone”.

In short, yes I did feel bad about myself for not being able to be attracted to trans women. I worried constantly that I might be transphobic. But thankfully, my response to these feelings wasn’t to try to do DIY conversion therapy like people wanted, but was to start pushing back. And eventually I pushed so hard that I ended up just accepting that yes, trans women are men and that’s why I’m not attracted to them. Call me transphobic, I don’t care. If your response to homosexuality is to call us transphobic, that’s your problem, not mine, and I want nothing to do with you. As I’ve said before, the more lesbians are told we’re transphobic for how we were born, the more we’re just going to stop taking those accusations seriously. That’s what happened with me, and now I’m at a point where I feel no guilt whatsoever about my sexuality, and will laugh in the face of anyone who tries to call me transphobic for it.

#asks #anon

[ladychlo]

I am feeling very conflicted about my sexuality lately.

the thing is, I feel incredibly dysphoric when I watch straight porn, I am a transman , my testosterone hormones go crazy sometimes and I want to watch some porn and satisfy myself a little to cool off. I always knew I was into women, and very very little interested in men. when I looked at men I didn’t desire them, if I want to say it simply.

But after my transition I always find myself watching gay porn and It gets the job done for me. I don’t understand it, am I into men now? maybe biologically, it is more easy for me to look at masculine bodies being intimate.

I still desire women more, but I feel like I am in lack of something when I watch straight porn, not manly enough, I never had sex after my transition as well, do you think this barrier could be exceed?

I am writing this to you because you are the only trans person I know in this platform, have you ever experienced something like this?

Hi love!! hope you're doing well and having a lovely day!

I really really understand how you feel, and from my experience, I know how conflicting and frustrating this can be, and I'm gonna share with you my experience first to ease up the conversation.

I identify as a non-binary transmasc, I'm legally unable to go through any hormone therapy or any other changes except my gender expression and how I present myself through clothes, speech, pronouns, etc. but the why I realized that I'm transgender is through my sexuality itself. when I was perceived as a woman I had a hard time accepting that I should desire men, it's a conservative environment with no proper education on sexual orientation so it was hard to identify why I dislike men when someone suggested any type of sexual interest in a man I always wanted to crawl out of my skin, I felt genuinely disgusted with the idea of being with a man, and I had a hard time to understand that I love women, I'm attracted to women but when I did realize I'm romantically and sexually attracted to women, it felt right on a certain extent but part of me was just not at home with the idea of being a cis lesbian, because first of all, part of it I was presenting femme due to some social pressure and second of all when once I got intimate with a girl I just felt like something unsolved, there was still something in me wanted to crawl out. so press forward when I realized that it's my gender that was unsolved, I felt like there was a fog that now I can see through it, when I started presenting masc, using neutral/masculine pronouns, and being mentally in the right line with my gender, the way I started perceiving my sexuality changed, I still adore women, I'm mostly attracted to women but also the idea of being attracted to other genders isn't appalling anymore, as much as I identify as a lesbian still, the possibility of my sexuality being fluid is still here. before, it was the idea of being a man's girlfriend that disgusted me, the idea that my sexuality was perceived by others through a gender that wasn't me distressed me.

this to say, we're taught that gender and sexuality are separate but actually your gender and your sexuality work together, harmonize together, and orbit around each other because their social existence is inherently fluid and linked to each other. your sexuality can help you understand your gender as much as your gender can help you understand your sexuality. it's a constant process of recognizing parts of yourself and it's a big conflict because when you think you figured it out, you find other stuff about yourself that are still unsolved.

also, about hormonal changes I can't speak from an experience point on that since I'm unable to go through that yet but I read and heard stories from other trans people, that transitioning can influence your sexual orientation not completely in the biological sense but to see your body changing, your perspective about your body changes, how you feel in your skin, how you see your body and how others perceive you changes, and it actually helps you recognize the fluidity of your sexual attraction too because your sexual desires are not purely biological, they're never purely biological, there is a social sense to it, maybe now after transitioning you're able to see parts about your desires that weren't recognizable before, it doesn't mean they never existed, it's just that in a certain situation you couldn't recognize them in yourself. me, for example, cant watch straight porn, cant watch mlm porn, or sometimes I don't watch wlw porn, I prefer audio porn or written one and let my imagination do the rest because I can't find myself in the equation when I watch it, I just don't feel like I'm tuning with it but you my friend, you might be while watching gay porn finding yourself in the equation, identify your pleasure with it and let me tell you, if it feels good and if it does the work for you so why not!

and yes!! the barrier can always be exceeded. I know there is this pressure about having a specific label, and I guess once you start to try and fit yourself and squeeze yourself in a label maybe maybeee is not yours. you shouldn't fit the label, the label should fit you. once you feel you're trying so hard to identify with a specific label then it is not yours, a label should make you feel like you have your own ground to define what you are and what you want. if today I identify as a transmasc lesbian it's because I feel like the lesbian label is not pressuring me to conform to it to the extreme, on the opposite, your label should always make you feel comfortable with the idea of your sexuality being fluid.

so yeah my friend, you're doing alright! just listen to your body, if something makes you feel good about yourself, gives you beautiful pleasure so there is no need for a guilt or a conflict to weight on that. take your time, again listen to your body and every change is very much welcomed <3

#if you want to talk about this more Im always here ! #long post

[lavenderfeminist]

How did you come to terms with knowing you were in fact gay? Did you ever go through a phase of questioning if you are bisexual? I’m very confused right now if I’m a Kinsey 5 bisexual or just a lesbian so this is why I’m asking. Help a girl out.

I started to write out what amounted to my life story but I just don’t have the time or emotional energy to rehash all that. So my answer is going to seem weird. Whatever.

I was “out” as bisexual to a very select group of people during high school, after I accidentally revealed I had a crush on a girl. I would never have called myself a Kinsey 5, because the layout of my feelings towards men and women was and is like this: I knew all boys “felt” the same to me, and I knew I had very strong feelings for select girls. I felt intense guilt over the ease with which I desired other girls, and I rationalized this to mean that while I was only capable of “liking” certain girls incidentally, my neutrality towards all boys meant I had the “potential” to like any of them. So sure, my feelings for girls were very strong and happened without intervention, but I was sure that if I tried hard enough I could develop those feelings for any boy, especially since I’d had girl friends turn into crushes effortlessly in the past. In my mind that would have put me closer to a Kinsey 2: some girls but ANY boy. In practice, obviously, this neutrality quickly transformed into disgust as soon as I attempted to “like” a boy by choice, because no matter how much I reasoned with myself about how smart or funny or kind he was, you can’t force attraction. In junior high I tried very hard to be attracted to the boys who liked me, but by high school I got tired of making myself distressed. I think my friends noticed that I only talked about having crushes on girls, and those who I hadn’t come out to noticed I never talked about crushes at all, and later told me they figured I was asexual. A few of them asked me if I wasn’t a lesbian, and I lied to them about there being “some boys who make me sure I’m not” (oof) because the idea of being a lesbian and not being able to conform and hide my attraction to girls for the rest of my life was like. Mindnumbingly terrifying. But I knew I was waiting for something, and I remember the day I first sat down and started to try accepting that I couldn’t choose to be anything different than what I am. That these were the cards I’d been handed so I might as well get on to dealing with them. I don’t know if any of this is helpful, but I can’t really make sense of the “Kinsey 5 vs lesbian” question because for me it’s very clear that I can’t feel the same way about any man, no matter how much effort I might put in, as I do naturally about women. Men are pretty much all the same to me, with a little wiggle room for friendship and more for disgust, and my feelings for the women I’m attracted to are so distinct from that that it’s hard for me to imagine being sincerely confused about the difference in my feelings for men and women. Maybe I’m misinterpreting the metric used for the Kinsey scale, idk. Good luck, and at the end of the day, letting your attraction function as it naturally does will tell you more about yourself than trying to find a specific metric for it.

#asks

[comphet-critical]

lol a woman could come here and be like “i’ve never liked men but one time i was wondering what it’d be like to be in a relationship with one” and you’d be like uhhhh actually you’re just a kinsey 5 bisexual

you sound a lot like the “everyone is a little bit bi” people. what DOES count as lesbian to you then?? someone who has known since birth that she only ever wants to look at women only?

not everyone figures out their sexuality so early. yeah i used to think i’ll have a husband/boyfriend when i’m older because that’s just how it IS supposed to be according to heteronormative society. “you would have known you liked other girls but wouldn’t know how to describe it” not everyone has crushes in childhood. i first started questioning my sexuality when i was 14 but due to years of being in a homophobic environment i genuinely thought there’s something wrong with me and felt like i was disgusting, so i had to push it out of my mind and convince myself how i’m actually just asexual and all that bullshit. only then later at 16 i started to actually accept myself. but no apparently some tumblr blog knows more about myself than i do.

have you heard of POCD? it’s a type of OCD where sufferers keep having intrusive thoughts and worry if they’re actually pedophiles. and keep having to do compulsive actions to convince themselves they’re not. what do you think about these people then? that they actually are attracted to children since they’ve thought and questioned it??

majority of people are actually bisexual, it’s not that “everyone’s a lil bi” it’s people coming to my blog describing obvious attraction to both sexes, that’s bisexuality i’m sorry that offends you?

lesbians aren’t attracted to men, you can’t force yourself to be attracted to someone you’re not, so lesbians can’t force themselves to be attracted to men

if a lesbian could convince herself to “just date men”, conversion therapy would work, lesbians who live in extremely homophobic environments would make their lives easier and end up with men

look through my hocd tag, women have come onto my blog and spoke about how they have ocd and have intrusive thoughts about being attracted to men. this is a mental illness, you can’t suffer from pocd/hocd without having ocd in the first place. this isn’t just regular “questioning my sexual orientation” thoughts, it’s a mental health issue.

#ask #signs you’re bi

[wolfkid888-blog]

Who am I?

Ever since I was young, I always have a fondness for my female teachers. At the time, I thought it was just admiration as they treated me well and gifted me gifts on occasion. How naïve I was back then. Now I know better of what it was. I suppose it is a part of growing up. When I started high school, my comprehension of my emotions started to change. Around this time, one of my friends gushed to me about her favourite BL ship and exposed me to the community of LGBTQ people.

That is when I started to wander more into it. She had informed me about the many social groups in the community and the terminology used to characterise each person's relationships or sexual orientation. I listened carefully; a trace of nervousness mixed with curiosity. I began to question myself and learned of what I am, who I am.

Realising that I had been defined as a lesbian—someone who only had romantic interest in women—was a revelation.

My thoughts began to spiral into ambiguity and introspection as a result of the finding. I thought back to the past and noticed an underlying trend of attraction to women which I had originally written off as simple appreciation. It was as though a cloud had parted, exposing a reality that had been lying in wait all along.

When I thought back to my early years, I remembered the social dynamics in my group as well as how they had shaped the way I saw relationships. There had never been many girls in my tuition class—most of the students had been boys throughout primary school. There would at least be 2 or 3 girls within the class aside from myself but over time they would either end up in another class or leave the tuition centre entirely. Without any female playmates to play whatever barbie or tea party stuff girls would do, you can probably imagine that my entire self was mostly affected by hanging out with the boys. I found myself drawn to activities that are often associated with boys due to the absence of female playmates, like playing Bakugan and Pokémon cards.

The friendship of my male contemporaries gave me comfort, but I also felt cut off from my own femininity. If I ever really had one to begin with.

This dissonance was exacerbated by my personality. I considered myself a tomboy, choosing more utilitarian clothing over dresses and skirts.

I hated dresses. Loathed them even. I do not like how defenceless I feel when wearing them. I would always worry about the wind blowing too harshly and it would flip my skirt where everyone could see my underwear. I felt uneasy and insecure at the idea of dressing in frilly, womanly clothes. I fought with ingrained fears and a severe fear of vulnerability despite my seeming boldness. I am a very insecure person, unable trust others easily. I like to feel safe. Literally and figuratively. Which is why I liked the flexibility and freedom that sports trousers provided, which was a subliminal protest against the ideals of femininity in society. It made me feel safe.

My dread of alienation and rejection increased along with my realisation of my sexual orientation.

I was afraid of how my parents would react if I came out to them, so I avoided the idea of coming out of the closet to them. Would they embrace me as I was, or would they reject me out of disgust? I struggled to balance my fear of losing my family's affection and approval with my desire to live authentically. The fear tore me apart. So, I took the only other route I could take.

I leaned on my friends for support, counsel, and comfort. They reassured me that I was not alone in my troubles by being a supportive attitude and a listening ear. Oh, what would have become of me without their support. Dreading at the thought. We overcame the challenges of acceptance and identity as a team, drawing strength from our common experiences.

Their resolute assistance strengthened my determination and served as a constant reminder that, despite my sexual orientation, I was worthy of love and acceptance. Even with the advancements in LGBTQ acknowledgement, I was still hesitant to tell my parents the truth. I knew that my well-being and safety hinged on my bringing up such a delicate subject, therefore I realised how important timing and context were.

Armed with the understanding that I was not defined by what society expected of me, I decided to address the topic on my own terms as I set out on my journey into maturity. I am an adult. I could make my own decisions but I have yet to officially enter society and stand on my own. So, it is best to be prepared for the worst-case scenario, where they might disown me. I decided that if I were to ever tell them, it would be on my terms. When I have fully entered society and no longer need the assistance of my parents, I would tell them of my circumstances. Would they accept me for who I am? Perhaps, perhaps not.

In retrospect, I can say that my path of discovery of oneself has been an emotional rollercoaster, punctuated by periods of uncertainty, anxiety, and self-acceptance. Nevertheless, I have come out with greater courage and resiliency, knowing that my individuality is real and deserving of celebration. I am constantly reminded of how important it is to be true to who I am and embrace my truth as I attempt to navigate the intricacies of life, no matter what obstacles I may encounter.

#Youtube

[josiebelladonna]

fuck. i didn’t want to do this again but if i disappear from here for a time, i want this to be my last post.

Perform a word association exercise with the word “sex.”

Nausea. Discomfort. “Big deal”. “No big deal.” Deserving. Undeserving. A contest. Popularity. Anxiety. Depression. Trash. Garbage. Taboo. Caught. Emptiness. Blackness. Immaturity. Disillusioned. Bored. Boring. Boredom. Lame. Uncomfortable. Elusive. Anger. Heartache. Heartbreak. Headaches. Stomachaches. Achy joints. Annoying. Obnoxious. Violence. Mistrust. No trust. Traditions. Daydreams. Nightmares. Awfulness. Disgusting. Stupidity. Tears. Cutting. Hitting. Horror. Trauma. Crosses. Bibles. Eye rolls. Pathetic. Arrogance. Powerless. Hopeless. Useless. Listlessness. Indifference. Anxiety. Uncaring. Cruelty. “Point and laugh.” Ridicule. Tedium. Unsafe. Abuse. Trauma. Bullshit. Horseshit. Gun to my head. Children. Babies. Baby fever. Tools. Sterility. Fertility. Infertility. Pointless. Pleasureless. Mindless. Loveless. Lies. Liars. Ugly. Cold. Gross.

Would you say that you have or have not had a strong sexual drive in your life? How does and did this level of sexual drive affect your intimate relationships?

You know. I promised I wasn’t going to be negative about this but… I can’t.

I can’t gloss anything over. I’m exhausted with sexuality. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of everything about it. Picture me, picture me, this fucking idiot here with her head pressed against the wall and tear stains on her face, wishing she could change everything. I have given up on sexuality. I really have. I can’t do this, and no one helps by telling me I need to exude confidence or to “just be myself” because those pieces of advice are complete nonsense. And we wonder why I get so angry about it. These were meant to help me and meant to let me audit this part of me, this part of me that I have never loved or felt proud of before. But instead, it all angers me. This is supposed to be about joy and pleasure, right? I apparently never got that memo. What’s supposed to be pleasurable about any of this? What in the fuck is this. What is this?

I actually have had a very strong sex drive in my life: thing is I never know what to do with it. What do you do with something that you know is going to get you called “slut”—I didn’t even have to fuck anyone to get labeled that anyway (more on that down below). I can’t picture myself with someone else, I just can’t. I can’t imagine anyone liking what they see in me. I was so disinterested in the people, boys and girls, at my school that I never could do anything: being treated like dirt by your own peers since you were ten years old, yeah, expect to check out all together. There have actually been a few times I thought I was lesbian because I am really intrigued by the female form and to be honest, there are times I’m actually drawn to it more than I am men’s bodies and I wonder what lesbian sex would feel like. I never could experiment because of my environment: being openly lgbtq+ where I grew up was like suicide. I needed to come out like I needed a hole in my head. 

There were no resources and I was too ashamed to talk about it anyway. I just told people I was straight because I didn’t want them to know that I’m actually not straight. But… I do love men, though. I really love men, actually. I think men are absolutely gorgeous and decadent and sexy. Hell, I have a crush on a man right now. So, I thought I was bi for a while and then I started seeing nonbinary people with really beautiful bodies. Ran around in circles and I eventually landed on pansexual. It’s good to know that there’s a name for it, but I still have so much shame and anxiety and frustration about it. I can’t picture myself with someone, no matter what gender they are. I can’t do anything with this.

What struggles have you had with your sexuality?

Way too many to list. Way too many. I’m constantly uncomfortable. I reject my desires: I don’t find them normal or pleasurable. I don’t find myself as all that attractive, either. When I was a teenager, no one ever made a pass on me. Girls didn’t like me, period, and boys always gave me that awkward little smile whenever our eyes met. I didn’t actually start getting looks until about two years ago.

I feel so much shame about my sexuality that I find it hard to even so much as move some days. It’s a dead weight on my chest that makes it hard to breathe. I don’t think about it all the time because a.) I have absolutely no reason to; b.) whenever I do, I get angry about it (stay away from things that anger or trigger you, you know); and c.) it’s just not worth the time or effort. I get no questions or interest in this part of me anyway, so why bother? And whenever I do, it’s always presumptuous. Everyone always thought I was seeing someone and they were shocked when I said I was single. “Really?! You’re SINGLE? In this era?!!?” Yes, I say with a straight face. “WHY?!” I just. Am. I can’t explain it, and I don’t know how to explain it, either.

Now I get absolutely nothing. I’m not saying I miss it—and the day I do is the day we’re all fucked—but why should I even bother putting inventory in something that no one cares about and I find unpleasant to talk about on top of that. It’s unpleasant. My sexuality is unpleasant. Not an iota of good feelings or memories to be found here. No, it’s all shit. It’s all garbage.

I have this very distinct memory from high school—I don’t remember the context, though, it may have been for spirit week—there was a day where we all had to dress up in either red, yellow, or green, like the stoplights: red for “taken”, green for single, and yellow for “talking”. I remember I used to have green pants and I wore those plus my Green Day shirt. I got to school… and I’m not exaggerating. I was the only person wearing green. I was just in a sea of red with a few yellow spots here and there. I remember people staring at me, too, like judging me, like, how fucking dare I walk around out here advertising my singleness. If I recall correctly, it wasn’t just students, either, I had a couple of teachers look at me funny, too.

I always befriended guys, too, and everyone always thought we were “a relationship” (never was, though, it was all platonic), so when I befriended more, I would hear words like “player” or “not like the other girls” or “secretly lesbian” thrown my way when none of it was true. It got lonely really quick.

In what ways do you nurture your personal sense of sexuality, and/or sexual relationships?

I draw. I write. …I live on a mountain top, 20 minutes away from a trump bastion. it’s not like I have a ton of options.

I like jewel tones. I like black and white. I like stuff that’s form-fitting and also low-slung jeans: I do not like anything high-waisted unless it’s worn with crop tops, otherwise I hate it. I don’t get why everyone clutches at themselves at the mere mention of anything low-rise. I like denim and leather and silk and velvet and corduroy. I like stuff that’s low cut—leftover from being heavy and struggling with weight most of my life as I’ve tried to wear T-shirts and the collar always feels like it’s choking me. I like camisoles. I like pajamas. I like underwear: as much as I cringe at the thought of wearing lingerie, I do like just wearing a bra, and I do have a teddy in my closet. I like to wear jeans: I have never felt good in a dress before. I dunno, I find dresses a bitch to walk around in and sit in, and I hate how skirts always wants to blow up (I’ve lived in windy areas my whole life). After a shower, I let my hair hang down for a few hours before I brush it: if I haven’t showered in a few days, I comb my bangs up into this pompadour upon my head so I have this Elvis/Dennis Miller thing going until I feel like climbing into the shower for another round. My mom says I look like I came from the beach, but I feel more Dennis Miller than anything. Only makeup I have is chapstick and nail polish: when I was little, I’d put on lipstick and eyeshadow and mascara but I always look over made. “You’d be so much prettier, though!” Heh, nope. Even just a little bit makes me look like I just walked out of the circus.

Is all of this supposed to make me feel sexy? I dunno, I don’t understand how it’s supposed to play into sexuality.

Write about your first sexual experiences. Interpret sexual experience any way like, even it’s about you first kiss.

There was the first time I touched myself. I was very young—I would think all children do this when they’re extremely young. I was in front of a mirror and I opened my legs and looked at myself there. I touched my clit the first time and I remember it really tickled me. I felt my labia and even stuck a finger or two in.

And then naturally, I got caught.

Write about your last sexual experience. How was it different from your first sexual experience?

I guess this could be the last time I touched myself: I was standing up and had my underwear on that time (just to play around a bit). Did very little but then I moved to my nipples and I was starting to go nuts a bit. I also tried between the legs again naked, with a shower head, and that really did something. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve gotten a lot more sensitive as I’ve gotten older.

I don’t remember when this was, either, that’s how indifferent I am to sex.

What were you taught about sex as you grew up? What did you not know that you needed to know?

Sex ed from middle school onwards, plus I was told that all guys don’t care about me and just want to get in my pants over and over by my drug addict father and the world at large—being woke does have a cost but not in the way you think. I was never told about pleasure or anything good or that kinks are good or the range of sexual orientations or anything genuinely useful. Just your standard “insert penis into vagina, don’t have babies until you’re ready and only do it to have a baby” and that was it. It was always having babies, too, like god forbid you ever want to have sex because it’s fun or what have you.

I was also bombarded by these messages of “don’t be promiscuous or a slut, don’t get a reputation, no one will want you otherwise” and it was always in junction with being ladylike, too. Level up and always be ladylike or no one will love you (I hate how gen z has adopted this ideology, too. Really, nevermind me for a second: you cannot convince me that this current generation is healthy when they exhibit some of the most inhibitory behaviors ever. And the Barbie movie isn’t helping, either; if anything, that obnoxious eyesore has turned everything into a complete bitch fest overnight. I said it before and I’ll say it again: the issue is not misogyny but rather everyone is taking that fucking movie way too seriously. That movie has brought out the absolute bitch in everyone). I also heard bullshit like “if you have sex, you WILL get pregnant, FACT.” (i.e., the whole “men force abortion on women” thing that pro-life feminists claim is science fiction to me)

I was also always told “if you have sex, you’ll contract a disease, guarantee it”. I just think of Soundgarden’s song “HIV Baby” whenever I think about this: have sex, give birth to a child riddled with disease as punishment for not keeping your legs closed.

Cue the nausea whenever someone asks me about some sex life that I allegedly have because apparently fucking everyone has a fucking sex life and yet nobody told me *facepalm*

How has your views of sex changed over time?

I guess i’m more aware of it. It’s just this thing that people like to make a huge deal about and I can’t bring myself to it. I’m too tired. I’m too confused. I’ve given up on the whole sex thing. It doesn’t help that it genuinely triggers me, too. I don’t care about sex and sexuality and I’m too squeamish to boot.

Describe a sexual fantasy you have.

If I wrote it, and it has either a mature or explicit rating, it’s probably fantasy. That’s all I’m gonna say. I have no specific “go-to” fantasy, either, something that crosses my mind regularly, that’s how much I don’t care about this whole sex thing.

Turn a sexual experience into a piece of short fiction. Describe the setting. Use dialogue. Write erotic description.

When you’re so inexperienced that even this feels in vain.

Write about the best sex partner you have ever been with. Describe a special time together.

I’m a virgin and I always feel like I’m going to get laughed at whenever I mention this, too. How can I be a virgin at this age? Again, I just am. No one wants me.

What changes if any would you like to make about your sexual self?

All of it. I want to change all of it. This is the worst thing about me. I have felt so much shame about this fucking bullshit, that it’s a chore to even get out of bed. It’s stuck. I can’t undo it. I’m stuck with this fucking thing. No one wants me and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I hate my gender: I am ashamed of being a woman. I don’t want to be a man, though. I don’t want to be anything. I hate my body, and I hate my sexuality. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, i hate it. It’s all ugly. It’s awful. It’s a disgrace. It’s horrible and disgusting. No. It’s NOT beautiful and you’re a damn fool if you think otherwise. I want it all changed and taken from me so I don’t have to think about it anymore.

I am NOT a “sexual being” and I hate that phrase with a passion. No. NEVER. Fuck you.

I really truly genuinely do not care about sex. At this point in my life, I can’t afford to care. Why the hell should I? Everything that pertains to my sexuality has been roundly rejected my entire life, what’s going to change the second I do? I’ll just ~magically~ get everything desirable, like all that aches me is just going to automatically disappear? Oh, yeah, that’s totally realistic. That’s totally what is going to happen. It’s delusional to assume that everything will automatically be right as rain the second I start to care. It’s irresponsible, too.

But at the same time, I have had my boundaries disrespected by family, friends, peers, classmates… everyone. Everyone apparently thinks it’s okay to invalidate my feelings and my choices, and that it’s okay to make fun of me when I change my mind and think it over again. 

Take my whole issue with makeup: I literally hate wearing it, and girls often asked me why I don’t wear it. “I just don’t,” and also “I don’t like the way it feels on my skin”. Cue the “there’s natural makeup” and the “you’d look so much prettier with it”. I GAVE YOU A FUCKING ANSWER. I DON’T WANT TO WEAR IT EVER.

I have no control over this. None. I don’t know how to gain control, either. I have named my problems. I have gone through my history over and over again to dizzying degrees to see if there was any sexual abuse in my life and there wasn’t. I feel like I’m missing something here, like I’ve read on how to “reclaim sexuality”, a phrase which on its own already annoys me just from how loosely it gets thrown around, and… nothing. None of it works.

Write a sexual confession to your partner or someone you admire. Be straight forward or as kinky as you would like.

Okay. First things first. I feel bad for feeling the way that I do about you, and also… you know, her. You know. You. Know. That black and white face with the stupid grin across it. I likened it to a slasher smile at first but… it’s not. You know it’s bad when you can’t even say their name without wanting to gag. But I can’t help it. I just… I can’t vibe with her, dude, she reminds me of a few women I’ve known and there’s a reason why I don’t like them. I’m trying really hard to understand what you see in her, and I can’t—and apparently, a lot of people are on my side with this, too. Including your own band. 

I’m sorry ahead of time, I really am, I hate to do this to you… but I’m putting those posts about her back up. I’ll admit it, I’m an asshole. In fact, when I wrote about her initially, I felt like an asshole. But I can’t quit this. I can’t quit you.

And yes, I feel guilty for having a crush on you, especially now. First off, there’s this stupid sexist taboo that’s in vogue right now, like how fucking dare I have a crush on a MAN, on a BOY, no, I have to like GIRLS and only GIRLS. And I just… I don’t like her. She bothers me. She annoys the ever-loving fuck out of me, to be honest. It’s the whole thing of meeting someone and you cannot explain it, but you just want to avoid them at all costs because something about them just bugs you to no end. I see her name in junction with yours and I want to puke. I’ve crushed on other guys before who were taken and I wound up crushing on the girl, too, so please don’t think it’s out of jealousy. I still think she’s secretly gay, too, and again, it’s hard to fully explain. It also just feels wrong, too, like… you’re way over there and I’m way over here. It’s not like we can actually do anything in person. You feel so out of reach. 

Plus, you grew up in the 70s and the 80s, where I came of age in the 2000s and early 2010s. It’s common, sure, but I care, and I care a lot. In fact, go ahead and say that I care too much, I’m aware.

I really wish I could tell you everything, especially about how I feel about you. I have so much fear around how I feel about you, and I really, really don’t know how you’ll react to this should you ever see it. I suck at this. I could push you away. In fact, I feel like I already have lost you. You’re the first guy I’ve ever had a major crush on, and I will wait forever if that’s what it takes, but I have this nagging feeling that I lost you.

I just don’t know what to say to you: really, I feel like I’m bullshitting with you all of the time because you’re so intelligent and cool and content and seem to have everything together… and I’m not. I feel like I’m just not worth your time: there are far more women out there who are far more interesting than me, women who are better than me, like they have degrees and they’re accomplished architects who refer to themselves as gypsies for some goddamn reason even though that word is a level of self-hatred i can’t even begin to fathom because it’s racist no matter who’s using it. But what have I done?

Your eyes are the ocean, and I want to go for a swim. I think of the Deftones’ song, “Knife Prty”: “I could lie here forever”. I look at your handsome face, how it gets more handsome when you’re smiling… like genuinely smiling, and I don’t care how your teeth look, either. I look at your beautiful hair, at how it’s two-toned and soft-looking: I look at your hair from when you were younger and I want to play with it. Don’t cut your hair short again: it was cute, but you look so gorgeous with long hair (it suits your face better, too). No, you don’t need to lose weight. Hell, you could get thin again and I would still want to hold you.

I hate my desires. I hate how I feel like I’m just doing this right and no one will tell me what it is. I have to actually go out of my way just to fantasize about anyone, whether it’s you or someone else—yes, I am that undersexed. I am in so much pain, and I already feel like I’m in trouble for even thinking about you. I am so at odds with my sexuality that I don’t want it: I’ve often said that if I could rip it out of me and light it on fire then I would do it in a heartbeat. I genuinely hate it, and I can’t bring myself to care about it. 

Old enough to be my dad or not, you’re everything that I’ve secretly dreamed of but was too afraid to share with anyone else, everything I love in another person, and if I’m being honest, you don’t even seem real because you really are that perfect to me. I know you aren’t perfect, but you are to me, though. And like I said, I hate that I feel this way. I seriously wish I could just leave you alone, and I wish I wasn’t such a loser or that I’m imposing or obviously unimportant. Okay? I’m a loser. A fucking gentile loser. My head is a mess. I’m a fucking mess, a waste, a lost cause, a nobody, and I can tell you’re far more interested in her because you’ve been together longer and I’m just some weird girl who came along who’s afraid of voicing her true feelings, especially to boys. That’s another thing I’ll admit: I’m a pussy. I feel like I can’t talk to you, either, especially now. I know she’s there. I know she’s there, looking over your shoulder and seeing who’s got the NERVE to hit on you. Fuck… You would rather enjoy someone who’s more powerful than a heartbroken spineless lunatic like myself, I get it. I was never anyone’s type, anyway—it’s like what Sheryl Crow says, “I’m not the kind of girl you take home.” She was there for you when your mom was sick, and I was thousands of miles away because I just am. I get it. We all get it. I’m an idiot and a fool for having feelings, let alone feelings for a guy who is worlds apart from me. I’m nothing. I don’t compare to her. I have absolutely nothing on her. I do nothing for you. Nothing compares to the “great one”. She’s smart and makes your dreams come true, I’m stupid, lost, and useless to you.

Leave my body, heart, and soul all to waste and hope the next bastard who comes along is crazy enough to pick me up like I’m roadkill. You’ll be holding your breath until you collapse, though. I’m just not desirable by any means. 

You’re hotter than Death Valley, and I’m just death.

But I can’t leave you alone. I’m in love, and I’m brushing away tears writing this, too. I wish I could let you go—“if you love something, let it go”—and maybe I’m just too immature for that and for you; I have no experience with this, I don’t know how to “let go of someone if I love them”. It’s how I feel, Alex. It’s how I feel.

And… I just have this persistent feeling that doesn’t… ahem. “matter.”

What would you like to learn about your sexual self?

What even is the sexual self, really, I’m so confused about this.

Edit: okay, I have the worst luck with relationships (I really mean it: I didn’t start getting looks until a couple of years ago, I have never been asked out, only fixed up and spent a weekend with a friend that was jokingly treated as a date), I hate my sexuality, and overall, I’m just terrible with this. What is there to learn here? Why am I bad at this? I can tell you that without even thinking twice about it: no one ever encouraged me. I grew up with the most backwards views on sexuality and there’s no end in sight even as I’ve grown up. I’m just not good at this, plus it doesn’t matter.

What part of your sexuality seems the most mysterious to you?

Those lesbian thoughts I keep having. Even with as much as I love men, I can’t help but feel aroused by women as well. 

Why do I love men, like men are the most despised beings on earth right now, how fucking dare I be attracted to them.

And also why I keep coming back to this. Why did I keep my incredibly high sex drive under wraps when sexual energy is incredibly powerful.

The shame. Why is there shame. Why did you make this. How is this even possible.

When you hesitate to write something, what reminder can you give yourself to be as completely honest as you can, both factually and emotionally?

“I’m the only one here.”

What, if anything, about sex distresses you?

I worry about getting pregnant, and I’ve always known that this is why I’m so bored with regular old penetrative sex, and why I feel genuinely repulsed by the affluence of it in fanfic: it’s the weirdest thing to me, it’s like everyone has baby fever, whereas I don’t want children. Plus, I’m just genuinely grossed out by the thought of being filled with cum.

My poor stomach has been through a lot, too: I worry about having to run to the bathroom because my own erotic tendencies are sending my digestive system into overdrive.

The pervasive feeling that i’ll never have it, either. I’m a virgin at 30. Most 30 year olds have had it several times, i’m lucky to have some rando on the street even look at me.

I just don’t like talking about sex, either. People are so comfortable talking about sex and all things sex and I’m usually thinking about other things or where the exit is. I genuinely cringe when I even think of talking about anything sexual. I’m just not comfortable.

What change would you like to make in your sexual behavior?

I don’t know how to be sexy, like I’m genuinely surprised when someone tells me something I did was hot.

What change would you like to make in your sexual attitudes or thoughts?

I almost never have sexual thoughts: the only time I do is when I’m writing (now you know why I thought I was asexual for a time. I genuinely don’t have sexual thoughts unless prompted).

As for attitudes… you want the truth? What does sex mean to me? You want to know what sex means to me? It doesn’t mean anything to me, it’s just a thing that happens. On a regular basis, I don’t think about it at all because I have no one to share with. No one is attracted to me, I get nothing out of it, and I simply don’t “get some”, either, so why should I bother?

What change would you like to make in your sexual emotions or feelings?

Same story there. I don’t want pain, either. I feel bad for having these feelings, too, like I said in my stupid little one-sided confession up above. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. There’s something wrong with me… for being attracted to men, like I’m so ashamed of this. I’m attracted to men and I feel bad about it.

What memories came to mind from the previous questions?

Oh, fucking hell, let’s see… crying about feeling lost and being treated to insensitive comments telling me to “exude confidence” and accusing me of being an alcoholic (when I can easily tell you that I’m not; I’m obsessive but I don’t “medicate” myself) rather than be a shoulder to cry on and tell me I’m not wrong for feeling this way.

All the times I was asked “why do you do this?” and I’d give a legit answer and then they would respond with unsolicited advice or opinions. Everyone wonders why I refrain from giving an opinion, too.

The phrase “raunchy side” *shudders* and feeling incredibly powerless.

Really, all the times I showed any emotion and no one knew how to react… or worse, they wouldn’t leave me alone to the point of harassing me.

Nothing good or happy. My sexual history is a joke.

What do you like most about your current partner? Least?

I’m a virgin. Still a virgin. Always a virgin. Will die a virgin.

Make three (or more) sexual wishes. Don't hold back!

I wish I could talk about this freely. I wish I was hot. I wish I was accepted. I wish I belonged. I wish I didn’t have to worry. I wish I couldn’t feel hysterical laughter whenever I say I’m a virgin. I wish I had a sexuality that worked. I wish I could crush normally. I wish I had power and prowess and agency.

Make a list of your sexual partners and write a few phrases to describe the relationship. What patterns do you see?

After years of research, I finally came to the perfect scientific conclusion: I’m a virgin and I’m lucky to have anyone even look at me. I could drop down to 160 pounds, my high school weight, and no one would notice.

If you have a sexual partner now, write about this relationship. What works for you in this sexual relationship? What would you like to change?

Boy, you know, my hand not only does things to my clit and tits, but it can also become a fist to break the face of whoever implores the regular use of a clinical, completely loveless and soulless word like “partner”.

Describe what your ideal sexual relationship would look like today.

I don’t know. I don’t know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. I know what an unhealthy relationship looks like, so I guess … healthy is the opposite? I don’t know. I don’t fucking know.

I guess I’m just not interested in sex, and there have only been a handful of times in my life where I actually was interested. Why should I be interested in something that depresses me and makes me anxious when I think about it? To be perfectly honest, I kind of don’t care at this point. Sex is stupid and overrated and I genuinely don’t understand it and I’m in too much pain to even give a fuck.

If you have been sexually dissatisfied, what has kept you in the relationship?

Doesn’t apply.

Are you able to ask your partner for what you want sexually? How do you do that?

Who cares about what I want, amirite?

If you have difficulty asking for what you want, what are you telling yourself that makes asking difficult?

Who cares about what I want, amirite?

What are your sexual limits with your partner?

I don’t want to be filled with cream. No, I’m completely turned off at the thought of being pregnant. I’m almost mortified by it, actually: use a condom or pull out, or let’s use our hands or mouths.

I like a little pain… not too much, though. I like little nibbles or scratches down the back, or spanking.

None of that “daddy” nonsense, either.

Don’t ever call me your “partner”, either, i fucking hate that word. I hate how normie it is, I hate how everyone uses it including couples who have been together a long time… I want to know when it was normalized because it’s so sterile and cold and influencer-y. Call me that and I’ll straight up leave.

I also don’t care about sex, either. I could not do it for the rest of my life and I’d be fine with that. Not that I can imagine anyone wanting it with me, anyway.

Or maybe I do actually care, given I’m of the belief that if you bothered to say you don’t care, you actually might, and you actually might a lot.

What sexual behavior won't you do or would do only under certain conditions? Write about those to clarify your boundaries.

(see the tidbit with pain) Please don’t overdo it. My body is actually very sensitive and too much pain is too much.

As repulsed as I am by the idea of having penetrative sex, if there’s protection involved, I actually might reconsider.

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BE PATIENT WITH ME. I’M DUMB AND TRAUMATIZED, I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING.

I don’t like it too rough: I’m slow and sensual for the most part, but a little quickness goes a long way if I think about it.

No period sex, please. I don’t know, just… b l o o d on the good sheets or nice upholstery, and my own, no less.

In what way might your relationship with your partner deepen or improve by talking openly about sex?

Hang-ups about… noonewantingtobeinarelationshipwithme aside, I feel like an open conversation is a “make or break” type thing: if they aren’t comfortable with it, they probably aren’t for you. If they’re curious, but they’re like me and they aren’t comfortable at all with this stuff, or they’re not sure, or they’re so uncomfortable to the point they hate their sexuality, make them feel safe. Put your arm around them and help them because it’s very daunting, especially when you see they’re alone because everyone is either disrespectful and patronizing or “too busy”. Make it make sense for them.

Can you recall your first discovery of sexual fantasy? What was it about?

All I know is I was very young and I didn’t understand what was happening, nor do I even remember it or if it even was a fantasy in the first place. I have to actually force myself to fantasize, too.

Write out three of your favorite sexual fantasies. If this is new to you, make one up now.

Can’t say I have favorites anymore.

How have you used your sexual fantasies up until now?

Haven’t. I hate how this assumes that I can, too.

What began as a fantasy that you later took into action?

The time I told Alex I’m in love with his voice. It was way before I wrote voice kink one shot in eclipse, too. That one in particular was so much fun to write—kind of tricky, but fun, though.

What sexual fantasies work the best to arouse you?

I was pretty aroused writing Chave do Mar: Alex as a merman with a long shark tail, smooth milky skin, and black curls tousled over his shoulder. Same with Blood & Chocolate, too: Alex being overfed and it shows up on his body. The Black Orchid scenes from now it’s dark were pretty hot, too, when I think back to writing them: Joey surrounded by burlesque strippers.

I’m bullshitting.

Have you shared your sexual fantasies with a friend? What was the reaction?

…it’s a chore to even think of one.

Have you shared your sexual fantasies with a lover? What was the reaction?

Forget thinking of one, I don’t know if I could be courageous enough to do that.

How important is it for you to share your sexual fantasies? What are your reasons for sharing or not? Does sharing fantasies break their "spell"?

You know that fanfic meme that talks about writing your dream fanfic filled with all your fantasies and dreams but choosing not to and keeping it locked away in your mind because you want it to yourself? Yeah, I don’t relate to that at all. I write them out because I want to make sense of them for the most part. I honestly don’t care if no one sees them, either, because I’ve never really seen them as all that mystifying: just these weird little scenes that roll around inside me and whether they face the light of day is up to me. I don’t write them out to arouse me, either: just to make sense of them. I literally don’t care, they’re stupid and pointless and painfully unsexy.

What, if anything, do you find distressing about your sexual thoughts or fantasies? Write about that to clarify it for yourself.

I don’t think they’re special or gossip-worthy or revolutionary or life-changing. They just… are what they are. I have to really sit down and get myself going to fantasize—are they just supposed to happen? I don’t get this.

I live in an imaginary world and to bring these out would defy the laws of science. They’re not physically possible.

If you could say three things to the world about the nature of your personal sexuality and really be heard, understood, and accepted, what would you say?

I don’t know, this is stupid.

I don’t care if you don’t care. We all know it’s pointless, anyway. Although I feel like there should be a point to it.

It doesn’t matter and you can’t change my mind about that.

When was the first time you experienced feelings of arousal and what triggered those feelings? What did you think of it at the time? What was your emotional response to those feelings?

Like I said, I was very small. May have been from me sitting in front of the mirror and touching myself, I have no clue. I didn’t understand what was happening, either, or why the adults in the room freaked the fuck out over it, either.

The first time I wore a shirt that showed off my belly is another one: I was like four or five, and it felt right to me.

Describe your first sexual encounter. How old were you? Was it consensual? If not, what resources have you used to help heal from that encounter? If it was consensual, what did that experience mean to you at the time?

I was 18 and it was the day that Dan Wheldon was killed. I had just gotten home and a text from my dad about it. I get online to find a boy who used to sit behind me in geometry class completely beside himself because Dan was his hero. I remember it was Sunday evening, around dinner time: I told him I had to get something to eat because I was hungry and I would be right back. I came back and we talked for hours. Evening became night, and then I blurted out something that made him laugh, and then he made me laugh. One thing leads to another and I say something kind of sexual and it went from there. We chatted and texted back and forth for a few weeks after that until I got slammed with finals.

yes, a sexual encounter after a horrible tragedy. It’s disgusting, and more so to write about it to add some realness to my writing (glad we haven’t seen Nightmare Brigade on ao3 lately, fucking callous bitch).

As for meaning, I’m not sure. I don’t know how to feel about it, either. I don’t even know if it counts as an encounter, either, but it’s all I got.

Who was your first romantic, sexual partner? What about him or her appealed most to you? What did you hope would happen with that relationship?

I have never had a boyfriend. Fuck, I’ve never had a girlfriend. Almost 30 years old and I have never even been kissed. Go ahead, act surprised, I’m used to it, the mouths agape, the raised eyebrows, the soft “really?” I got sick and tired of hearing “oh, you’ll find love some day” when I was 17, and now I know in my heart it won’t ever happen. Really, I could shed 100 pounds and have confidence through the fucking roof and no one will want any of this. Whoever said “everyone has sex” has obviously never met me. It’s so exploitative, too: this unfair assumption that way too many people have had about me and it only makes me hate myself. (Why is that always the response to someone saying they’re single, too? It’s like, i’m just stating a fact, I didn’t ask for you to be fortune teller.) At the same time, I don’t even want a relationship. I can’t be sexy if it saved me and I’m a lonely, ugly person, too: it’s the last thing I need.

Do you believe that sex and emotional intimacy are linked, or is it possible to have a sexual relationship without emotional attachment? What experiences influence your answer?

Linked but not exclusive, though. Casual sex is a thing, plus you can be emotionally attached but not want it; don’t believe everything you see on Twitter (especially now, fucking hell). Just… my own observations about this.

If you could have the perfect sex life right now, what would that look like?

The idea of me having a sex life, period, is so beyond me, like I don’t know what a sex life is even supposed to encapsulate. I often ask google, “what’s a sex life? define sex life”. I hate how I’m just automatically supposed to know these things when I reach a certain age, like is it surprising that I’m so lost about this?

How do you define “awesome” sex (i.e. what makes sex better than good)?

Makes me think of “awesome sauce”, which completely sucks the eroticism out of this.

How do you feel about PDA? (You can take this as far as “kinks in public,” too.)

Can’t stand it. Can’t stand seeing it, can’t stand the thought of it happening to me (insecurity and hang-ups might have something to do with that when I think about it), some things are just better left in private. As for kinks in public, though? I don’t know, that seems a bit much.

What do you think about when you masturbate?

Been some time since I last did, I couldn’t say.

What are your sure-fire turn-ons (and/or turn-offs)?

Turn-ons: touches on my head (you know when you get a haircut and they wash your hair really well beforehand? No joke, that genuinely arouses me). Touches on my breasts, especially my dark-ass nipples. Touches on my belly, especially around my belly button because it’s technically scar tissue. Fingers on my lips—not sure about tongues, though. Touches on my thighs and my knees (yes). Touches on my ankles. I like soft touch. I like being held. I like fantasy. I like intelligence. I like sweetness. I’m all about feeling and being close.

What are your thoughts about porn?

I still don’t see it as exploitative. One complaint I do have with it is unrealistic expectations, even without looking at it. No guy is like that. No girl is like that.

What are your thoughts on foreplay? Favorite types? Best experiences? Wishes?

It’s underrated. A few kisses or hickeys on a sensitive spot like on the neck or the belly, or fingers on the labia and lips on the thighs can take you a long way, and I can say that just from my own writing.

What parts of your lover’s body are you most drawn to? (If you don’t currently have a lover, feel free to consider past or future lovers.)

“Lover” is another pathetically overused word. My eyes have always wandered to the middle of the body. At this point, I don’t care if it’s slim and delicate or round and thick, either, I like to feel and hold.

If you were to “recreate” the early days of your favorite sexy relationship, what would they look like? Would you change anything?

It’s weird to think that I can actually answer this: I don’t think I would change anything. Maybe I could have been a little more upfront with him about how I feel about him earlier on because I just think about that one night in March-ish 2021, but there was a point to that, though. I wanted to ease into it, and there had to be some sort of opportunity to find with him because I see people hitting on him all the time, and I always think I’m being inappropriate with him, oh my god 🫣. 

The beauty of it being online is it’s kind of the whole entire point to it. 

Really, if Alex and I take it offline, we lose the clandestine nature of watching each other on stories or him fanboying over me like he’s a teenage kid again. I just have this pervasive feeling that *sigh* she has some control over his instagram now. He doesn’t come on stories nearly as much anymore and he feels so elusive now.

What do you want more of in your sex life?

A sex life? But I feel so bored by the whole sex thing. I have a crazy amount of shame that ruminating on it makes me physically sick, and I feel stuck inside of it, like I can’t get rid of it. I feel like I’m boring and underwhelming, like you would think that someone who identifies as pansexual and polyamorous and has a high sex drive would have at least one conquest but… I’ve just never been respected or built up or even seen. Plus, there’s this whole thing about how women are not supposed to chase, either. 

Okay? I’m powerless. I’m a loser. No one cares or thinks about me in a sexual manner because they have no reason to, and I have no reason to augment myself in any way. What is there to augment here?

Would you ever visit a sex therapist? What would be the reason and what do you think their advice would be for you?

I’m on the fence. No, because my only real problem is the feeling of safety and wanting to be comfortable. And yes because sometimes a second opinion can help.

Is there anything about sex that embarrasses you, causes shame or fear, or makes you nervous? Or…what’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you during sex?

My fear of pregnancy plus I worry about shitting myself.

Just the act itself. I literally can’t imagine anyone being that crazy about me, like I am not beautiful, I am not sexy… and I hate the expectation that comes with those words, like “you’re a woman! Be beautiful and sexy 24/7!” Fuck off. I could go away right now and no one would care or wonder what it would have been like to make love to me or toss a dick in me.

Talking about it makes me so nervous, too. I HATE what I desire and think about and all of that. I keep saying it over and over and over and over again, none of it matters and I feel weird and gross talking about what and who I’m attracted to. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I am on the verge of another breakdown just writing this.

That first time you’re naked in front of them strikes me as nerve-racking, too, like that’s the moment of truth right there: when they see you naked the first time.

What do you tend to fantasize or dream about when it comes to sex? What kinds of porn or kink are you drawn to?

I have to force myself to fantasize. I don’t watch porn (I don’t, and why would I? So, don’t even think about it). I write about kinks and… whatever.

I had a sex dream one time. I don’t even remember what it was about now.

If you were to create a sexy playlist intended for a hot date at home, what would be on it?

I have never made a sexy playlist in my life before so I wouldn’t know where to start.

What are your love languages and how do they apply to your sexual needs? What about your lover?

I’m all about touch and spending time. I am touch-starved and I have all the time in the world. 

My needs? My needs are a joke.

How do you feel about being naked?

No opinion. It just … is what it is. I don’t fixate on flaws (I never could, either, even with my troubled relationship with myself), nor do I see it as a beautiful thing: it just it what it is. I take care of myself but that’s about it. What do you do with it. Why is this controversial. 

Now, when I think about being naked with someone else, look the other way.

What’s your favorite way to be seduced?

You put your guitar on your lap, you brush your hair really nice, you have this little twinkle in your eye like you’re up to no good or you’re secretly going commando out of camera, you have a glass of wine in hand, and you talk in a very soft, husky voice when I ask you about your underwear.

Do you have any trust issues surrounding sex or your sexual relationship(s)?

Do you ever see something that, for whatever reason, you have this inexplicable feeling of drunkenness? That’s my reaction to this.

What do you look like, and sound like, when sex feels good for you?

Whenever I write something erotic, every so often I have to stop myself and close my eyes because I feel things moving. I get really quiet (everyone talks about screaming during sex: I’m the exact opposite, I get really quiet) and my hands start itching for the feeling. I bite my lip a lot, too—sometimes I do that without even thinking, like it just happens. It’s a long slow burn with me. And yes: I feel guilty afterwards. You have no idea what an idiot looks like until you see me.

What is the most sexually daring thing you’ve ever done?

Flirted with Alex on stories. I’ve always sucked at flirting (I once went for five years without flirting with anyone because I suck so hard at it), let alone with a guy like him. I love calling him “baby” and by his name, especially.

Flirted with Eric on stories (I called him “big guy”) and got him to take a selfie from the toilet. Wish I was making that up.

I asked “are we going to see a Jeff Becerra OnlyFans any time soon?” and mf literally replied with “only if the price is right” and the eggplant emoji.

Any time I post risqué art on instagram because they’re assholes with that sort of thing. No clue how threads’ll react to it.

When now it’s dark was being written and I posted those ink drawings on instagram (completely oblivious to the fact Joey was watching me).

There was also one time in school one of my friends had his pants hanging down a bit and I tried to pants him and he caught me. I did get to pinch his butt when no one was looking, though.

In your opinion, what does it mean to be good in bed?

Thought I knew before but now I don’t. I fucking don’t know what this means.

Have you ever had sex in a public place?

WHYYYYYYYYYYY would I do this?

When and how did you lose your virginity, and how did you feel about it? How do you feel about it now?

I’ll probably die a virgin. Tumblr wants me to die a virgin.

Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time, watched others have sex, been watched? If not, would you?

I’m polyamorous so I’d maybe try it. As for voyeurism… maybe I’d like to be watched? Don’t know about watching others, though.

How often do you masturbate and what works best for you?

I go for long stretches of time without doing it, because I get bored with it. I’ve done it sitting down, standing up, on my back, stooped over, topless, with my pants on, in the shower, in bed… all with my fingers. I have no desire to use a toy. I’m sorry, I’m not aroused by putting a piece of glass or ceramic or rubber up a very delicate part of my body.

Maybe I’m not doing it right because I have done it but I barely get off at all, and I’m more disgusted with myself than anything. I lose interest after a couple of minutes. Yeah, I don’t see this going well with another person.

Maybe I’m just not trying enough, but I look at some on lingerie sites like Spencer’s or wherever, and I shake my head.

“Find one that’s best for you”, they tell me. Yeah, but nothing here is jumping out at me. 

What are you most grateful or thankful for in your sex life?

Oh, yeah, i’m totally grateful for something that triggers and upsets me. Totally grateful for something that brings me so much shame that it makes my chest hurt and makes it hard to even get out of bed some days. Oh, yeah, totally grateful for the judgements, the dirty looks, the snickers, the condescension, and the guilt. Totally grateful for the tears, the hiding, the heavy feeling in my chest, the headaches, the pits in my stomach, the pure absence of luck, the sadness, the self-hatred, the suicidal ideation, the horrible feelings where there should be pleasure and confidence, what have you.

What is your favorite sexual position, and why?

Officially don’t know anymore.

Have you ever had an “inappropriate” crush? What was it about that person that drew you in, and what made it “not okay”?

All my crushes have been inappropriate lol

They all have been either older, or unavailable in some way like already taken or not interested.

I was never drawn to people at my school, so I looked beyond the borders: older people fit that bill for me.

Have you (or would you) ever tried role play? What roles are you drawn to?

Maybe I would try, but I officially don’t care anymore.

Are you more dominant or submissive (or a bit of both)?

I’d say “domme” but I’m definitely both. Yes, even with as much as I hate the female role and find it restrictive, there’s a sub in me.

How do you feel about your own body?

This body is… I don’t know. Parents called me beautiful but if my piss-poor track record with my peers and crushes and this whole thing here is anything to go by… it should be clear that I have trouble seeing this myself. I’m not good-looking. I only started actually getting hit on very recently, and looking at my appearance when I was a teenager, I did not look good at all. It makes sense that no one ever made a pass on me and I was the only one wearing green.

How sorry do you have to feel for a person having sex with you?

Sorrier than sorry. I can’t give you anything other than tears.

Could someone know you sexually, properly know you, and still like you?

A certain someone knows about me sexually and I have no clue if he likes me, and it’s not the boy I cybered with, either.

#sexuality #journaling #personal #text