Free To Feel
I’ve been considering writing a Sanders Sides oneshot or something for a while now and well I guess I’m finally doing it.
Description:
High school au hurt/comfort with Janus and Patton. Patton has learned something from his mom, and he’s pretty upset about it. He doesn’t know why- it took place years ago, so he doesn’t have any reason to feel sad about it, right?
Then why can’t he stop crying?
It takes a talk with Janus to let him know that his feelings, no matter what they are, are valid.
Warnings for: discussion of past miscarriage(s), Remus (he only shows up briefly and says one thing to warrant this, though), some swearing
If you read it and have any constructive criticism, please share!
Patton was having a shitty day, and Janus could tell.
It wasn’t like it was hard or anything- he was great at reading body language, and Patton’s had been practically screaming “THIS SUCKS!!!” all day long.
Granted, that was what Janus saw. Patton was actually very good at concealing his negative emotions, so it was no big surprise when none of their friends seemed to pick up on the distressed vibes radiating from the usual sunshine. Janus had roughly half his classes with Patton, so he had plenty of time to observe his mood. Rather than excitedly volunteer answers like he usually did in History, Patton had sat quietly in his spot looking out the window. That in itself didn’t seem like much cause for concern at the time, but when he offered no topics of conversation at all during lunch Janus began to worry.
There wasn’t much he could do about it until after school, though. So he waited, keeping a careful eye on the softest of his friends while in the classes they shared, and formulating a plan for talking to Patton after school. Since he didn’t know what the issue was, he figured that he’d swing by his house after school before heading to Patton’s. They lived only a few blocks away from each other, and were regularly coming and going between houses as if they lived together. This was essentially the norm for their entire friend group- though the twins and Logan did live at slightly greater distances than the rest.
When the bell rang, Janus totally didn’t run out of the classroom. Nopity nope, he definitely did not. Doesn’t matter what you heard, the hall monitors are bitchy liars.
Regardless of the verity of what the hall monitors may or may not have seen, Janus did arrive at he and his friends’ designated meetup spot at the front of the school very quickly— but was somehow still the last to arrive, excepting Patton.
What? It wasn’t his fault that his final class was all the way on the other side of the school!
He didn’t plan to stop and chat, though, considering two things. A) he was on a mission, and didn’t have time to listen to Roman talking about the upcoming theatre production today, and B) he had absolutely zero I desire to get involved in whatever was happening.
Virgil and Roman were lounging on the ground against the wall, watching Logan and Remus scream at impressively loud volumes.
“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS?! YOU CA-”
“IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU TELL ME, I’M NOT GOING TO LISTEN!!!”
“YOU ARE SINGLE-HANDEDLY THE MOST INSUFFERABLE PERSON I’VE EVER MET!!!”
“YOUR MOM IS- oh hey Jannie!”
Janus rubbed his temples. “Hello Remus. Have any of you seen Patton?”
“He already went home,” Virgil piped up. “Said he was tired and didn’t feel up to listening to these two go at each other like a couple of wild animals. Well, not in those words, duh, but that was the general vibe I got.”
Remus snickered at Virgil’s comparison of him and Logan. “Y’know, going at it like a couple of wild animals sounds pretty fun, huh Logan?”
“Why you-”
Janus didn’t stick around to hear the rest.
When he arrived at Patton’s house, he knocked on the front door and called out as he stepped inside to let them know it was him entering, then poked his head into the kitchen where Patton’s mom always sat at the table working. “Hi! Is Patton home yet?”
She had scarcely opened her mouth to respond when Patton came sliding down the hallway in socks at top speed, bowling over Janus and knocking them both onto the floor.
“Oh, sorry Jan!” he exclaimed, hauling them both back up to their feet. “C’mon, let’s go to my room so Mom can work.”
Patton’s mom was clearly suppressing a laugh. “Pat, honey, what have we told you about sliding down the hallway at Mach 4?”
“Sorry, mom. Won’t happen again!” he called, already moving back towards his room. Janus followed, and after setting his bag down on the floor, immediately flopped down into the absolutely enormous beanbag chair occupying the corner of the room. Patton shut the door then followed suit, plopping himself down onto the other end of it.
It was huge. They could have easily fit another person in between them— although at that point it would’ve been a bit more like a cuddle pile.
“So, what’s up?” Patton asked. He wore a calm smile on his face, but the emotion he was trying to convey did not reach his eyes. He looked, like Virgil had said, tired.
“It’s vibe check time,” Janus replied. “And before you start spouting some ‘I am a-okay!’ bullshit, let me tell you that I know something’s been off with you all day. Whatever’s going on, you can tell me about it.”
“Right to the chase, huh?”
“Yes.”
Patton sighed heavily and sunk down in the chair. “I don’t want to burden you with my garbage.”
“You aren’t burdening me, Patton. I asked. And I sincerely hope that your ‘garbage’ is referring to the contents of your trash can, and not your personal issues.”
Patton sunk a little deeper into the chair. “So, I was talking with my mom yesterday.”
He paused for a long time.
“I don’t think you know this, since we didn’t really hang out then, but when I was littler my parents tried really hard for another kid. That’s my brother.”
Janus was very familiar with Patton’s little brother. The kid was smart as a whip, just as silly and sunshiney as his older brother, and had probably seen every Disney movie in existence. Their entire friend group doted on him like he was an angel- especially Logan, who normally was awkward around kids at best. The others liked to tease him about it, but it was clear to anyone that they all adored Emile as well.
Patton pulled his sleeves down over his hands and balled them up to make sweater paws. “I remember, when I was really little, I used to ask for siblings all the time. I wanted a bunch of siblings to play with and hang out with and have little sleepovers with— all that fun stuff. I never really stopped to wonder why it took so long for Emile to get here.” He paused for a moment to breathe— in for four, hold for four, out for four. Virgil used the same trick to help with his anxiety.
Patton let out a small chuckle. “I was so excited when he arrived. I finally had a brother! Yeah, he was really tiny and squishy at first, but as he got bigger he started to grow into this amazing person who is so much fun to be around, and now he’s one of my best friends. Sure, he can be a goober sometimes, but so can I! I love having him as my brother!”
Another long pause.
“But… I didn’t stop hoping for more siblings. As we both got older, though, and he got to be old enough to actually talk and stuff, I kind of forgot about it, but… not completely. I wondered, sometimes, why it was just me and Emile. Heck, once I was old enough to realize that we aren’t getting any more siblings, I even felt sad that he wouldn’t get to be a big brother too.”
Patton rubbed at his eyes, and remained quiet for a bit.
“Yesterday, my mom and I were talking. I can’t even remember now how it got brought up, but…” he took a shaky breath and continued. “We wound up on the topic of siblings, and she— she told me that she—”
There were tears flowing down his cheeks now, but he seemed determined to continue.
“She told me that she miscarried! And I— I don’t— I don’t know why I’m so upset, because it’s not even like I knew the babies existed back then and it was years and years ago so it shouldn’t matter now, but— I couldn’t stop thinking, about how I never knew how risky it was, and then I started thinking about how it just as easily could’ve been me or Emile and— and that just scared me so much because I can’t imagine not having him in my life because he’s such an incredible kid, and then I was thinking about how we could’ve had more siblings that probably would’ve been just as amazing as him and— and—”
Patton buried his face in his sweater-paws and wept. Janus reached out an arm and gently wrapped it around his shoulders— enough so that he could feel it, but still light enough for Patton to move away if he wished to.
Instead, Patton collapsed into his embrace, and Janus enfolded him in his warm arms, not saying anything, just letting him cry.
“Four,” he sobbed. “There were four.”
They stayed there like that for a while, as Patton cried out the word ‘four’ again and again. When he did sit up and dry his face, he wouldn’t meet Janus’s eyes.
“Sorry to dump all that on you. It’s silly to be so upset about something so long ago-”
Janus cut him off. “Patton, you don’t have to apologize for anything. I came here because I noticed that you seemed sad, and specifically asked you to share with me what was wrong— and I am so glad that you did. There is absolutely nothing silly with the way you are feeling. This is an entirely natural and reasonable response to learning what you have, and your feelings are completely valid. Additionally, you don’t have to hide when you feel upset over something. You have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’ve ever met, and you have friends and family who love you so much. Please don’t ever feel like your emotions are silly, or that you can’t talk to anyone about them.”
Patton’s eyes welled up, and he wrapped Janus up in a huge hug. “Dang it, Jan. How do you always know what to say?”
Janus wrapped his arms around his friend once more, and held on tight. “It’s my specialty.”
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Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: DLAMPR (platonic), Analogical (platonic)
Characters: Virgil, Logan, and Janus centric. Roman, Remus and Patton supporting. Background C!Thomas.
Genres: Ventfic, Comedy, Crack, Light Angst, (Metaphysical?) Sickfic
Additional Tags: heat exhaustion (mild), food, animal mistreatment (referenced - foie gras), Virgil Has The Brain Cell, Sick Logan, Himbo Roman, Janus is a Little Shit, Remus is a Little Shit
Summary:
“Heat does, in fact, affect cognition."
(Canon-adjacent AU. Silly vent fic where the resident Brain Cells have A Fun Time.)
Or...
▪ Brain Cell # Logan: Doing his best impression of an input-lagged computer & wind-up toy.
▪ Brain Cell # Janus: Just sitting here amused about the ridiculous situation.
▪ Brain Cell # Virgil: The only gawd damn Side with any sense of urgency here.
-
“Florida, you SUCK!”, Roman wailed while fanning himself with the most extravagant hand fan he could conjure.
“You noticed that now?”, Virgil groaned into the sofa cushion.
“Why, I have NO idea what you two are on about! We are FINE.” Janus was gritting his teeth with every word.
“You’re seconds away from disrobing, Janus.”, Logan deadpanned.
Virgil lost the will to keep his hoodie on in the heat, dressed mostly like that one time Thomas whipped up his workout get-up. His eye shadow’s hold was absolutely dying from the obscene amounts of sweat pouring out of him. Maybe some tears too, but like hell is he going to cop to that.
Roman whined some more, “I have SO many ideas but they’re just- dashing away like The White Rabbit forgetting to wind the clock forward!”
Remus popped up out of nowhere, “That sounds like a YOU problem, Robro!”
Thankfully, Remus was behind some furniture. Because he very clearly was in the buff. Again. Eating some casu marzu flavored “detergent” pods. The odor permeated the room the moment he opened his foul mouth. Offending Roman the most, naturally.
“Just because you’re USED TO IT, doesn’t mean I AM. I NEED TO DO. SOMETHING!? Thomas needs m-”, Roman flapped the fan at such a speed it was threatening to come apart.
“Yes. I sympathize, Roman. You do share a good half of Thomas’s executive functioning abilities. And it would appear I too am experiencing some… technical difficulties.”
Logan’s speech had slowed down considerably near the end there.
Virgil stirred, concerned, “Oh no… not again.”
Virgil looked at Janus, pointedly, “Are you going to do something about this!?”
Janus laughed, “What are you expecting me to do? Change the weather?”
Virgil buried his face in his hands, smearing around the eye shadow, “FINE. Sometimes if you want something done, you gotta do it yourself.”
Virgil dragged his feet toward the fridge. Once he was there, he grabbed a two liter bottle full of chilled water from within and took a swig. Everyone watched.
Virgil took the bottle with him, a smirk slowly forming on his face. Virgil approached the lot rubbing his chin, “Who do I get in line first…”
Virgil smiled even more, staring at Janus and Janus’s eyes widened.
Janus stood no chance when Virgil splashed a good amount of water all over the snake-faced side.
Janus clearly was not impressed, was about to open his mouth to speak before a new voice came onto the scene, “What has gotten into you!?”
It was Patton, mocking disappointment but was already looking like he was going to crack up. Roman, however, doubled over laughing. Janus finally said, “Not like I was going to ask that…”
Virgil explained, “Well, maaaybe if you did more than laugh about the mess we were in-”
Janus gathered himself before dismissing it, “Oh, Thomas will be fine.”
Virgil shot Janus an “I’m watching you” glare. Without delay, he dumped some more of the water right over Roman, eliciting a totally dignified squawking noise from him. He shot back up and glared at Virgil with the utmost offense, “What is this- this BETRAYAL!?”
Roman was getting really mad until he resumed fanning himself, relaxing a moment, “Okay… I have to admit this feels nice actually… but I WILL have my revenge, Hot Topic.”
“Wouldn’t expect anything less, Princey.”
Patton giggled, “That sure is one way to cool your jets, kiddo!”
Virgil then looked over to Logan, who looked like he was about to talk, but it was in slow-motion. Virgil took pity and threw some of the rejuvenating water onto him as well.
Logan continued speaking almost as if the spell didn’t happen, “… a series of studies were conducted by the Universities of Virginia and Houston exploring this very subject. One Amar Cheema and Vanessa Patrick wished to understand how heat impacted cognition. Specifically, on decision making.”
Roman looked like he was really struggling to follow along. Janus was too busy trying to steal Roman’s fan. Patton looked a little checked out too. But hey, at least Remus and Virgil were paying attention.
“Cheema and Patrick looked into various samples of behavioral data. They found people avoided making choices in lottery tickets, were less able to find clerical errors in writing, and had experienced reduced novelty-seeking in products within warmer settings. This was supported by a report undertaken by the National Bureau of Economic Research.”
Remus chuckled, “Oh, that REALLY makes me wonder if there’s a link between that and Florida Man stories… oh, to make Thomas one of those headlines, a man can dream.”
Logan cleared his throat, “While that could be a factor. Criminal documentation being publicly available thanks to Florida state laws on the matter… is arguably a greater one. This makes sampling bias likely.”
Virgil needed to keep Logan going here, because like hell was he going to be the only Brain Cell here who hasn’t lost the plot, “What else?”
“Cheema and Patrick hypothesized that this may be linked to glucose act… iv… it-y.”
Virgil dragged his hands across his own face, high key tempted to do something drastic.
Patton piped up, “What I’m getting from this is we need some cookies!”
Virgil shouted and shook his head, “Don’t you DARE start that oven, so help me-”
Roman took a dreamy tone “Oh! A sundae with Royal Raspberry Cherryiot sounds positively marvelous.”
Remus gagged, “Gross.”
Janus was completely passive aggressive, “I’m totally not jealous you sold out to a bunch of Canadians…”
Virgil looked at the then stock-still Logan, “THAT’S IT.”
Virgil grabbed Logan like he was a cardboard cutout and marched up to the nearest bathroom. Everyone else looked on in various states of confusion, before filing behind him.
Virgil stood the bespectacled one in the bathtub, snapped his fingers and shouted, “HEY. Somebody get me some ICE up here!”
After a beat, he added, “… anyone BUT Remus.”
Remus made a small sound of disappointment, before shrugging. Roman stifled a laugh at his brother’s expense before taking the initiative. “I’ll save you, Specs!”
Patton peeped, “Are we... like, doing the ice bucket challenge now? How much is Thomas going to donate to charity? Oh! How about-”
Janus was grumbling about something else entirely, “I mean. What is your angle? You little terrorists with wings…”
Virgil glanced at the two of them, “What.”
“Well, I forget what that charity actually was for but-”
“Guantanamo Bay isn’t enough for them… foie gras is the only acceptable punishment.”
Patton looked at Janus shocked, “Janus! Leave the birds alone!”
Remus raised an eyebrow at Patton, “… didn’t think you were listening to us talking about that.”
Before Virgil could comment, Roman arrived in the most Roman way he could, with a giant bucket of ice, “here I come to save the day!”
Logan slowly looked up at everyone, his speech slurred, “What’s happening?”
Virgil grunted, “Dude. It’s like herding a bunch of cats over here, without you. And I kinda need you for my own sanity!”
Logan simply said, “Ah.”
Virgil looked at Logan then at Roman, “Uh. Can you, like, snap him into some swim trunks or something. Don’t think he’d appreciate uh – well…”
Before Roman could do anything, Remus clapped his hands and with a glittery plume of green smoke, poofed Logan’s outfit. Oh, Remus DID give the nerd a set of trunks, trunks that had “Feed My Frankenstein” lyrics in bloody splatter text and deranged busts of Alice Cooper on them.
Everyone turned to glare at Remus. Virgil was annoyed. Roman was insulted. Janus snickered. Patton actually couldn’t properly see what was happening. Logan lagging behind them all, looking more confused than anything else. Virgil huffed, not speaking before getting the tub to start filling with just about lukewarm water, not wanting to completely shock Logan out of this mess. It was already starting to help when Logan actually asked, “While this is not exactly… ideal. I suppose I am feeling closer to optimal.”
Virgil sighed in relief, “L, I want you to keep talking about that stuff from before.”
“A cognition test for Thomas, I presume?”
“Yes. PLEASE.”, it was obvious that Virgil was by himself on this one.
“Right. Among glucose’s many life-giving functions is to maintain homeostasis.”
Roman was absentmindedly throwing handfuls of ice into the tub, “Uh. I think Thomas the Dank Engine doesn’t need any help with that one – thanks yours truly.”
Logan turned to squint at Roman, mouth hanging open in yet more bafflement.
Janus snorted, “Oh dear, did you hurt yourself reaching for that absolutely desperate homo… phony.”
Virgil rolled his eyes, “We’re trying NOT to break Thomas’s brain anymore, guys.”
“Thank you, Virgil. As I was saying… The human body uses more glucose just to cool down than to warm up. This means, during hotter weather there is less glucose available for use for higher brain functions. So…”
Unsurprisingly, Virgil only forestalled the inevitable...
-
Meanwhile, Thomas could be seen sprawled out on his couch. Completely drained. Completely out of it.
He was just about ready to doze off, despite really wanting to be able to be productive. He at least had the sense to get some ice water.
And so, nothing got done this sweltering summer day.
It was not meant to be.
The End.
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Happy birthday to Roland!
Today is his -534th birthday!
Roland was a "smart" AI assigned to the UNSC Infinity. He was the Infinity's AI during the Requiem campaign, managing the operations both on the ship and on the ground. He was treated like a crew member by Captain Thomas Lasky, providing input and suggestions on the best course of action.
Roland was present when Catherine Halsey was taken into custody on Infinity, and, when he visited her in her cell to lecture her on withholding information, was put under her control by an override code. Roland was able to regain control and order her arrested, but not before she made contact with Jul 'Mdama, whom she wanted to use to get out of UNSC custody and continue her search for the Janus Key.
Roland would oversee the mission to retrieve Halsey and sever the connection with a Forerunner artifact that bound the Infinity to Requiem's surface just as the planet was on a collision course with its sun. Once the connection was severed, he steered the ship off world just before Requiem exploded. Roland continued to serve Infinity after the events on Requiem, and during the pursuit of Dr. Halsey.
During the Created crisis, Roland remained loyal to the UNSC, although he felt sympathy for Cortana and voiced his dismay when Dr. Halsey spoke of terminating her. This mindset mirrored his feelings on "final dispensation" during the sham trial of Iona, an AI who argued for her right to live and not be terminated once she reached her designated seven-year lifespan. Iona was placed in stasis to be studied, and Roland was one of the "judges" who heard her arguments. While he never revealed ONI's intentions, he regretting lying to her. Similarly, he resented what he perceived to be a blithe decision to terminate Cortana once she lost her usefulness to the UNSC.
Because Roland did not join the Created, the Infinity and its crew were able to go into hiding to regroup until the UNSC could cultivate a plan to combat the Created and the Guardians. He also had the authority to officiate marriages, having performed the marriage of Veronica Dare and Edward Buck, though it's unclear if this is something all smart AIs can do, or if Roland acquired the credentials on his own.
Roland was assigned to Infinity when it was attacked by the Banished. His current status is unknown.
In canon (~2560), he is turning 3!
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