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aponderingcharming · 4 years

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We Have What We Have When We Have It - Part 1

Part 1/3. Pre-Time Heist in Endgame. Steve notices Natasha’s been quiet all day and checks in with her before the mission tomorrow. By the end of the conversation, each of them fully realize what the other means to them. Now all they have to do is win the mission. Read on AO3.

“Hey, you got a sec?”

Steve leaned against the door jamb and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans just to give them something to do. It was evening now but it had been a sunny day, maybe even the nicest day they’d had in a long time. He took that as a good sign, as though the universe was letting them know that it was on their side. Remnants of low sunlight beamed in through the wall of glass, the rays framing her perfectly as she sat there in front of him. She looked lost in her own thoughts, her teeth chewing on the bottom of her pen and her brow furrowed in that quizzical way it always did when she was trying to work something out, but at the sound of his voice, Natasha raised her head from her notebook. A small but genuine smile formed on her face.

“Sure,” she replied, placing the notebook onto the coffee table in front of her. “What’s up?”

The man drew in a breath and took a step further into the room.

Her braid fell over her shoulder as she scooted forward on the couch and though he’d never said it, Steve liked the combination of red and blonde she was sporting lately. The red because it was just so Nat, but the blonde reminded him of those years they were on the run together, forging this unbreakable bond they had. And that’s what they had; a relationship that was more real and more important to him than he could have ever imagined. An unlikely partnership that just worked. A friendship born out of shared experiences and understandings. A constant. Something he wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.

And maybe, just maybe, even something more.

Not that they ever talked about it. Whatever it was between them, whatever chord that linked them together, it couldn’t be defined. It just was.

“Everything okay, Rogers?” she asked when he didn’t speak. Her smile had turned a little worried.

He snapped himself out of his reverie. “Yeah, sorry. Was just thinking,” he said, shaking his head. “You all set for tomorrow?”

Natasha’s eyes flicked to her notebook again and then met his eyes. “As much as I can be for time-travel.”

“Technically it’s a time heist,” he quipped.

She laughed then, husky and soft. “I know you were encased in ice and woke up 70 years later in essentially a whole new world so you’re not really new to weird things happening to you, but did you ever picture yourself being able to travel through time?”

He bucked an eyebrow. “You seem to forget that I was a human experiment and injected with super serum in order to become an enhanced soldier. After everything we’ve seen over the years, time-travel seems par for course, really.”

“Time heists,” she corrected, laughing again.

Steve loved the sound of her laughs. She had a few of them; there was the one she used when she was flirting and trying to get information out of someone on a mission – that one was higher, looser; there was the one she had when she was with everyone and they were just having a good time – that one was more guttural, like it came from a deeper part of her; and then there was one that was only for him – that one was soft, intentional, melodic, real. He wasn’t sure when he started logging and categorising them but he found out early on that there was a true joy in learning the many facets of Natasha Romanoff.

“So what’s going on, Cap?” she implored again, eyes more alive. She rested her chin on her clasped hands as she leant her elbows on her legs.

After the debriefing when they finally put a plan in place and everyone’s roles had been assigned, they ordered in food and spent time just hanging out and trading old stories. There was this anxious yet giddy crackle in the air that was undeniable. Everyone was assured, but there was still this undercurrent of apprehension that no amount of joking or rationalizing could diminish. At some point in all of it, Natasha had slipped out of the room. It was only when the stressed delirium had started to fade and everyone began excusing themselves to spend some time alone – or falling asleep in Thor’s case – that Steve noticed she was gone, and that she hadn’t been overly chatty over dinner, either.

That’s when he found her.

“Penny for your thoughts? You seemed kind of quiet earlier.”

Natasha offered a small shrug, green eyes open and honest. Raw. As time went on, there became fewer walls between the two of them; they had been through a lot and seen a lot over the years and with that came an unspoken understanding and respect. There was no point in lying to each other anymore. “This is…this is a lot, you know? I just never thought anything like this would or could happen.”

“Yeah, me neither.” He moved over to her and took up the other side of the couch in a gesture of friendship, with a posture of being ready to listen to whatever it was that she wanted to say.

She turned her body more in his direction, letting her arms fall onto her thighs. “The last five years have probably been the toughest of my life. I mean, I’ve been through a lot but when I finally found a purpose and a place where I belonged, I then realized what it meant to lose something. To really lose something. And I tried - you know I tried - to do whatever I could, to be the best version of myself, to keep pushing on but it just felt so helpless. Our job as Avengers is to fix the problems and save the world – and we couldn’t do it.” The beginning of tears swept over her eyes but she kept them in place with a purse of her lips. “But now we can help. Clint can get his family back, you can get Sam and Bucky back, Wanda, and Peter…everyone can come back. We’re going to restore families and friends. We’re going to make a difference, Steve. Whatever it takes, we’re going do it.”

The words washed over him for a beat. “You know for a second there you reminded me of me.”

A loose snicker escaped her then. “You must be rubbing off of me. Can’t spend a lot of time with Captain America and not learn a trick or two about making impassioned speeches.”

“I guess not,” he agreed with a chuckle. “We have been through a lot, you and me.”

“More than most. Aside from Clint I don’t think I’ve ever had someone stick by me through so much.”

It was an off-hand comment, not made with much intent but he couldn’t let it go unchecked. There was strange urgency in the air over the past couple of days and it seemed as though there was some kind of emotional shift happening between them all. Maybe it was this sense of reconnection, of renewed purpose, of righting wrongs but whatever it was, it brought with it a compulsion to leave their barriers down.

“And I’d do it all again, Nat,” he declared earnestly, causing her to meet his gaze. “When I woke up from the ice, I didn’t think I would ever feel like I belonged or that I would make friendships or relationships that would mean anything to me. Truth be told, I don’t think I wanted to. But you proved me wrong.” A timid smile flashed across his face. “You saw something in me – I don’t know what it was, but you showed me trust and loyalty when not many others did. And every time I look around in a fight, there you are. Every time I’m in a bind, you swoop in from somewhere and help me out. You always have my back. I don’t think there’s anyone in my life I trust more than you.”

Honesty was important to Steve; it was the backbone of his entire sense of self. But even he surprised himself at how easily and quickly those truths came from him. He had observed as hours and days and months and years of striving to do better, to be better had resulted in this new warped view Natasha had of herself where her only purpose and value was centred on this role she had as an Avenger, as someone who had to save the world, and while that was integral to who she was, Steve felt as though she had lost sight of how far she had come and how much saving she had done, and was doing, by just being her. She had saved him so many times and in so many different ways. She was already better, already more than enough, already someone of great significance. And she deserved to hear it.

Something came alive in her eyes, a dancing of flames around her pupils and her mouth opened just that little bit like she was about to say something and then suddenly stopped. It was like she was searching his words, examining their meaning as though they were physically floating in front of her and she was trying to figure them out. He just waited, praying that the sincerity would shine through.

Suddenly, she reached out and took one of his hands in hers. He tried to ignore the electricity that fizzed up his arm. Voice low yet strong, the words tumbled past her lips like they had to get out of her.

“When everyone started disappearing after the snap and it was just chaos, the only thought in my mind was, ‘Please let Steve still be here’. How horrible is that? Everyone just stood there watching as friends and loved ones literally turned into dust in front of their eyes and I’m there selfishly begging the universe to give me some kind hope to cling to - as if I had any more right than them.” Her eyes squeezed shut for a moment, face crunching in that way it did when she was admitting something that she was ashamed of. ‘Please let Steve still be here’ resounded throughout his mind, though. It was like it woke something inside of him, something he had tried to quash down a long time ago. Though it didn’t feel like the right time to say it, he had thought something similar that day. He just never had the courage to tell her. Natasha continued on though, completely oblivious to his internal struggle and held his hand tighter. “And then when I saw you? I don’t think I’ve ever felt relief like that before. I couldn’t imagine doing this – any of this - without you. You’re always by my side, no matter what. And I know I haven’t made the last five years easy and I know I wasn’t the Natasha everyone knew, but I was so happy that you were still here. I felt like, despite it all, everything would be okay. You were like my tether to this world, keeping me in check, keeping me sane.” Green eyes pierced his blues. “I want everybody back more than anything but, Steve, just know that if it was just you and there was a chance to bring you back, I would do it.”

That floored him.

It floored him mainly because if it was just her he knew he’d do it, too.

No hesitation.

“I would do it for you, too, Nat,” he practically whispered.

Surprise split through her usually cool and collected demeanour. The glimmer of hope that took over her face gave him pause and he noted the way his heart thrummed with more determination at the way her head slightly cocked to the side as she appraised him as if seeing him for the first time.

And then it was just them; two souls on the same wavelength not really saying anything but saying everything. Their hands idly caressed each other, unbidden and loose, tracing and tracking the patterns of skin and bone.

Steve couldn’t remember a time when had ever felt something so strong. Words couldn’t define it; it was this emotion that swept over and all around him, consuming him to the point where it was all he could feel.

He wanted to kiss her.

He wanted to tell her how he felt.

He wanted to tell her he loved her.

But the words wouldn’t come.

Natasha was the first to break the silence that had overtaken them. “So tomorrow…” she started, her tone still low but lighter than before.

“Tomorrow,” he mimicked, clicking back into place and remembering what lay ahead of them. It was risky; unchartered territory. Steve trusted Tony and he trusted the science but it was like nothing they had ever attempted before. It was truly so much bigger than any of them could fathom.

“I’m going into space.”

Her delivery pulled a soft laugh from him. “Yeah, you are.”

“And you’re going back to our first Avengers mission.”

“That’s gonna be…weird. And freaky. I gotta make sure I don’t run into myself. Who knows what kind of ripples that could cause.”

Her expression turned mischievous then. “Two Captain Americas in one place,” she mused. “Doesn’t sound half bad to me.”

“Easy, Romanoff,” he jested easily.

“Just be careful, that’s all,” Natasha said, the intent a joke but the result came off a little more serious. Her shoulders dropped then. “I know we know what we have to do, but it somehow feels like it’s not going to be that easy. I can’t shake that feeling.”

Steve nodded in agreement. He’d been thinking that pretty much the whole time but he could never pass up the chance to get his friends back and restore the world to its proper order so he shoved the worries and the doubts to the back of his mind and became laser focused on the task at hand. It was only really now, as the woman before him confessed her reservations, that he felt that feeling, too. “Yeah, I’ve been feeling that as well. You be careful, too.”

She lifted her chin. “How about we both promise to be careful?”

“Deal,” he smiled and pumped her hand twice in assurance. He could get used to holding her hand; it seemed to fit so snugly in his, as though it belonged there.

“Good. I’m going to hold you to that, Rogers.” Her smile was wider now and it reached her eyes, brightening up her whole face. “What do we do when we get back after all this? Everything’s just going to be different. And weird – in a good way, but still weird.”

He pondered that for a minute. And then, “I think it’s time we get a life, don’t you think?”

A dramatic, melodic sigh flowed from her. “I don’t even know what that looks like.”

“Neither do I but we’ll figure it out. We always do.”

Natasha bowed her head bashfully as she bit her bottom lip. “Yeah, we do.”

His heart swelled.

After five years of living in this uncertain and confused state, Steve finally felt like things were turning a corner. He now pictured himself with a different life and a newfound sense of reason and identity. Captain America but better.

Hope was a very powerful thing.

But as much as he could have stayed there forever – and right there in that moment he genuinely felt like he could, he still had prep to do and a few notes to go over and he really wanted to spend some time gathering his thoughts and maybe drawing a little to ease the tension he could feel starting to build up in his muscles.

The sun had set now and the room was beginning to darken, dark shadows starting to make appearances.

“I think everyone’s doing their own thing tonight so that movie night that Thor was pushing for is gonna be no-go,” Steve eventually murmured.

“Yeah I think that’s for the best. The last thing we all need before tomorrow is a war over what movie to watch,” she quipped. “ Save that for when we get back.”

He peered down at their hands once more. “I’m gonna go and do a few last minute things for tomorrow. Turn in early.”

A flicker of sadness crossed her face but as soon as it was there it was gone. “Well, you are an old man; must be hard to stay up late at your age.”

“Ha-ha,” he said dryly.

She bumped her shoulder against his playfully. “I got a few things I have to do, too. I don’t know if I mentioned it but I’m going into space tomorrow.”

He played along. “Space? Really?”

“Really. I’m not just your average spy, you know.”

“I’ve never thought that for a second. There’s nothing average about you.”

She tenderly rubbed her thumb along his in response. “I suppose you’re above average, too,” she said with a wry smile.

A deep chuckle rumbled in his chest as he rose to his feet, breaking their contact. In an instant he felt cold, like he had lost a part of him. “See you tomorrow, Nat.”

She gazed up at him with fresh eyes. “See you tomorrow, Steve.”

When all of this was over, when they had won and brought everyone back, he was going to tell her how he felt. No holding back, no chickening out at the last minute, no more waiting around. He was tired of waiting and he was tired of pushing away his desires and wants.

He loved Natasha Romanoff and he was going to tell her.

And he was going to kiss her.

The rest they could figure out later.

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notesfromthefielddesk · 3 years

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Episode 1 - Malinowski

Episode link; https://open.spotify.com/episode/6nIUBg5IthVY6F1caobf1N?si=04759ed73f474e39

We hear the fizz of the surf and some seagulls

John

Imagine yourself set down surrounded by all your gear alone on a tropical beach, close to a native village, while the dinghy which brought you sails away out of sight.

Now imagine, you look down that beach and see a man. He’s sat behind a desk wearing a tweed suit. Is that a microphone? You head over to investigate and realise he is narrating your actions.

Hi! this is notes from the field desk.

Theme

John

Why don’t you grab a seat… I guess on the sand. I’d offer you a chair but honestly getting this one here was hard enough. It’s a good one though, one of those ones with lumbar support. I insisted on it.

I said “if i’m going to sit behind a desk on a tropical beach for months you better believe i’m having lumbar support.” The guys on the fishing boat were not impressed. You should have seen their faces when they saw the desk.

Oh.. I seem to be sinking in the sand a little, would you mind, yeah if you just grab the other side. (Skuffling) Okay should be good now.

Transport and sinking aside it’s a pretty good office though right? I know you can see it but do you mind if I just describe for the benefit of the tape?

I am sat on Maliu Island just off the coast of Papua New Guinea. We’re at the North West Shoreline. It’s early morning the sun still rising. Looking out over the bay the lightly rippled sea shimmers in a thousand tints caught briefly on it’s continuously moving surface. In shallow spots amid turquoise vegetation, you see rich purple stones overgrown with weeds. Where the water is smooth unruffled by wind the sky and land are reflected in colours ranging from sapphire to the milky pink shadows of the mist enveloped coastline.

brief silence just washing of waves

John

I know what you’re thinking. Why the desk? I actually think this is a stroke of genius. I was talking to my supervisor, Susan, and she told me theres a debate in anthropology about the separation between field and desk.

You know anthropology? We’re like sociologists who like travel and hate maths.

Just so you know in academic circles that joke kills.

Anyway, apparently theres loads of articles about how anthropologists go to the field and they meet all people. Then they go back to their desks, in the universities and libraries and whatever. And then they write things that don’t relate to the people. Which makes going pointless in the first place. At least I think that’s what they were getting at, I sort of skimmed them, and they seemed to fit with this other idea of mine so… Sort of just ran with it.

My main idea, was that i’d recreate the research of the first anthropologist. Sort of a peer review, what did he get right, what did he get wrong. So i’m recreating “Argonauts of the Western Pacific” By Malinowski.

There were others before him, some old english blokes called Taylor and Frazer. Some people even say this Greek fella Herodetus was the first. But Malinowski was the first one to get the travel bit down. Before him most of these guys relied on reports they got from colonial officers or missionaries or even worse amateurs, usually wealthy people, running around writing nonsense.

Nowadays we’d call Taylor or Fraser armchair anthropologists. Taking the observations done by others and theorising about it. AKA philosophers, am I right?

Not a joke fan, noted.

Malinowski thought that the studies done before him were theoretically strong but the data unscientifically gathered. To successfully study the “other” you had to go and live with them see the world through their eyes. If you lived with them and participated in their community you could make objective observations about how their society worked. He said this becoming native was key and to achieve it you have to stay in the field for at least a year.

So the problem of early anthropology was people not leaving their desks to collect data, and the problem of modern anthropology is people leaving for the desk and forgetting the field. I thought two birds, one stone. I’ll bring the desk to the field.

(Disappointed) Oh. You were wondering about the tweed on a tropical island. Well in scientific study you control the variables right? If I want to see the Trobriand Islands like Malinowski did I need to recreate his experience. He was a posho, and in the photos he wore this weird colonial outfit which I couldn’t find but I figured this would work just as well.

Same deal with my travel route. I flew to Brisbane, not clear how he got there but we will say Brisbane was the starting point. I sailed up the coast from there to Cairns. From there I chartered a boat to Papua New Guinea. I’m not really a big boat guy and it was a lot longer than I expected so I was sick most of the way. But good news, so was Malinowski so we’ll count that as scientific accuracy.

We arrived pretty late at Port Moresby, the capital of Papua New Guinea. Malinowski doesn’t describe it but to be honest, I was a bit disappointed. It’s a massive city. I was sort of hoping to be far flung you know, cut off from civilisation the way Malinowski says you should be. I knew this was a risk though, in the intro to Argonauts Malinowski mentions that even back then in 1915 Native communities were melting away.

I tried to put my disappointment aside. After all, this wasn’t my final destination. And hey look at this, pretty cut off right? I took a car the following morning down the coast to Deba, I know that’s not how he would have done it but I couldn’t find a boat willing to take my desk. At Deba, I managed to bribe my way onto a fishing boat. Now here I am.

I know it’s not really the Trobriand Islands. But Malinowski hung around here and Moresby for a while and with the desk this is as far as I can get. I have now, in the words of Malinowski “spread my nets in the correct place” now it’s time to wait and see what falls into them.

Waves washing on the shore. Drag this out 10-15 seconds, see how it feels in the edit.

John

Seems like no-one coming. So Let’s go over some theory in the mean time. Don’t whine we’ll keep it light. You can paddle while I talk it’s mostly for my notes anyway.

Sound of someone paddling in sea

Malinowski was a functionalist, which means he thought all our social behaviour is an extension of our physical needs. He argued that thinking about it this way you could understand any behaviour, however strange, by understanding what need it filled.

Example, magic, weird right? Malinowski said no. It’s a response to emotional distress. When something bad happens that you can’t explain it’s comforting to fill that void of understanding, with Magic. Malinowski says that’s why magic persists in modern society. Like when you have a shit month and say it’s because mercury is in retrograde, it’s comforting even if you don’t fully believe it.

But this doesn’t just happen after the fact, participating in magic can make us feel like we’re in control of the future, which is strange and scary. That’s like saying “Next month Mercury is in retrograde get the incense ready.”

Remember that guy Frazer I talked about earlier? This is basically his theory of magic and religion. He said people realise they aren’t powerful enough to control nature so they ask higher powers to help. Malinowski loved Frazer, total fan boy, used to carry his book around, so it’s not surprising he borrows a lot of his ideas.

That other guy, Taylor, he would say we’ve advanced as a society beyond the need for magic. Through industrialisation we can control nature. Any magical belief left over in society was a “survival.” It used to serve a useful function in society but now it doesn’t, it’s just a silly ornament that we should throw out. Imagine a twitter atheist bro, “uhh horoscopes are stupid, haven’t you heard of this thing called science.”

Malinowski, not so much a fan of Taylor. He said no Taylor you dummy, society is functional. How can there be a social behaviour that doesn’t have a function. Doesn’t make sense. He said the function probably just changed to serve a different purpose.

Despite that little spat, they all basically agreed in an evolutionary perspective. That less advanced societies are what our society looked like in the past. By studying other people maybe it can help us understand the weird things we do now.

So i’m here to take an objective look at Malinowski’s objective look. A hundred years ago he was on the Trobriand Islands, so now they should look like the UK did in 1920. I suppose that big city at Port Moresby was a good sign they were right.

Oh shit, I’m actually late to teach my tutorial. Just gunna Skype in. In the mean time i’ll leave you with a recording of a passage from “Argonauts of the Western Pacific.”

Waves washing on shore maybe ten seconds

“The goal is, briefly, to grasp the native’s point of view, his relation to life, to realise his vision of his world. We have to study man, and we must study what concerns him most intimately, that is, the hold which life has on him. In each culture, the values are slightly different; people aspire after different aims, follow different impulses, yearn after a different form of happiness. In each culture, we find different institutions in which man pursues his life-interest, different customs by which he satisfies his aspirations, different codes of law and morality which reward his virtues or punish his defections. To study the institutions, customs, and codes without understanding the desires and feelings of these people is, in my opinion, to miss the greatest reward which we can hope to obtain from the study of man.

These generalities the reader will find illustrated in the following chapters. We shall see there the savage striving to satisfy certain aspirations, to attain his type of value, to follow his line of social ambition. We shall see him led on to perilous and difficult enterprises by a tradition of magical and heroical exploits, shall see him following the lure of his own romance. Perhaps as we read the account of these remote customs there may emerge a feeling of solidarity with the endeavours and ambitions of these natives. Perhaps man’s mentality will be revealed to us, and brought near, along some lines which we never have followed before. Perhaps through realising human nature in a shape very distant and foreign to us, we shall have some light shed on our own. In this, and in this case only, we shall be justified in feeling that it has been worth our while to understand these natives, their institutions and customs.”

Waves washing on shore for maybe ten seconds

John

Well…that was… an interesting tutorial. In the end we talked a lot about Malinowski’s diaries rather than argonauts. They were published in 1967, a while after he died. In part probably to protect his reputation, as it turns out. To be honest, I hadn’t read them in depth. But my students said they show he was kind of a racist. More like he was a racist, throughout. He curses the Trobriand Islanders, calls them lazy and stupid. Also it seems like all through his research he was bribing the islanders with tobacco to include him, and dance, or do magic. It all comes across… unscientific.

But I said to them, this is just his diary, his private thoughts. I’m sure, when he went to the field he was able to set his personal prejudice to the side and carry out good research.

They didn’t agree. First they said, objectivity wasn’t possible because people know their being watched and that changes things. They gave the example

From of a photo from Argonauts of the Western Pacific with the caption “A Ceremonial Act of the Kula." A shell necklace is being offered to a Trobriand chief. Behind the guy presenting the necklace is a row of six bowing boys, one of them sounding a conch. All the figures stand in profile, their attention apparently concentrated on the rite of exchange. But if you look again, you see one of the bowing Trobrianders is looking at the camera.

To be honest when you look at the other pictures, Malinowski does look awkwardly out of place. Hardly, a member of the community. And Malinowski definitely skewed the results with the bribes.

Sorry, the tide is coming in and the waves are now washing onto my brogues. Would you mind helping me shift the desk a bit further up the beach.

General awkward moving the desk sounds.

Sorry where was I? Right, secondly, they said Malinowski was wrong. Those colonial officers and missionaries, it wasn’t that they couldn’t be objective because they weren’t scientists. But because nobody is objective, we’ve all got baggage, things that have happened to us that make us think a certain way.

He couldn’t just leave his racism in the diary because it effected the way he thought about everything. They said when you claim something is objectively true you’re really making a claim about authority.

Remember, before, how we were talking about the evolutionary stuff. They said that is based on the assumption that European civilisation was the peak of human society and everything else is on the same track to becoming that.

They said that’s what colonialism was, British people going around the world claiming they were the height of civilisation so they should be in charge. By being in charge they’d make them better. They called that “The White Mans Burden.” Not the students, the colonial officers. What Malinowkski’s diary proved was that he was just as prejudiced, just as guilty of this way of thinking. He saw them as savages and backwards, less evolved. and that wasn’t just a private opinion, that formed the basis of his theories.

I said, wasn’t that just cancel culture?

They groaned at that. One of them said really cancelling someone was just challenging the authority of their statements and actions. When Malinowski was “cancelled” it challenged the authority of colonial racism. Even if he only thought in private that the Trobriand Islanders were lesser it still effected how he treated them and described them. The same way it effected British colonial officers descriptions and treatment those they ruled.

That’s why anthropology is suspicious of objectivity, because objectivity is a claim to authority and authority leads to misrepresentation and mistreatment. In other words, arriving as an anthropologist and claiming to be able to see someone else society objectively is like saying “I’m big your small, I’m smart, you’re dumb and there is nothing you can do about it.”

They stumped me a bit at the end there, couldn’t really follow, but I did feel hurt. I said “if that’s all true and I’m replicating his work then how am I different from Malinowski. Am I a racist?” It got a bit awkward after that.

Still, I think there is some merit in what I’m doing. I’m not a racist. So I can asses Malinowski’s work, see the flaws. Societies still advance so, i’ll just see how things have changed, have they become like us? I told them I would carry on and prove I could be objective.

Anyway a lot to think about. [Phone ring]

John

Apparently, the students have complained. And Susan has reminded me that my contract requires I teach the tutorials in person. That this fieldwork was not cleared and that I have not done an ethics form. Further, she reminded me that the department does not subscribe to a teleological perspective. I asked what that meant and she said to do some fucking reading for once.

Still, Malinowski teaches us a lot. Fieldwork is still really important in anthropology, you’ve got to go and talk to people and understand their perspectives. That’s his lasting legacy more than the theoretical work. Plus, I suppose his diary teaches us that we should keep an eye on our assumptions. And remember that no matter what we do, like bring a desk to the field, we always sneak into our work. So maybe we should just be upfront about that.

So - would you mind helping to carry this desk to that village? I need to get back or i’ll get fired.

more desk moving noises

I just realised I never asked what you were doing here.

Really!? that’s disgrace-

Theme

This was notes from the field desk written by me John McGrail.

This episode references

Clifford, John (1983) On Ethnographic Authority in Representations, No. 2 (Spring, 1983)

Dahl, Roald (1988) Matilda published by Jonathan Cape

Malinowski, Bronislaw (1922) Argonauts of the Western Pacific Routledge

Malinowski, Bronislaw (1948) Magic, Science and Religion Waveland Press

Malinowski, Bronislaw (1967) with introduction by Firth, Raymond (1989) A Diary in the Strict Sense of the Term Stanford University Press

Tylor, Edward Burnett (1871) Primitive Culture published by the Cambridge University Press

Young, Michael W. (2004) Malinowski: Odyssey of an Anthropologist 1884-1920 Yale University Press

The sounds were all taken from Freesound. If you can donate to them you totally should, I would not have been able to make this podcast without it.

The sounds were;

Water Lap by snog https://freesound.org/people/snog/sounds/67031/

Sand slidding out of shovel slowly by XfiXy8 https://freesound.org/people/XfiXy8/sounds/467301/

Tropical Ocean Waves » Mau U Mae Beach Waves by tombenedict https://freesound.org/people/tombenedict/sounds/397594/?page=2#comment

Tropical Island by rich wise https://freesound.org/people/richwise/sounds/451743/

The theme music was dark side of my students, posted by Mia Stodzwiekow created by Tadeusz Maszewski https://freesound.org/people/miastodzwiekow/sounds/341770/

#podcast #anthropology #arts and entertainment #culture #society #transcript #audiodrama

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lemonietrinket · 4 years

Text

Before the Sun Sets ||| Jae x Reader

Summary: The two of you were hopelessly in love, it was easy to tell for everyone—including the two of you. However neither of you had refused to act upon it, and though love may be powerful, there is always the possibility of it waning. Someone inevitably had to break, before the love did. And so it fell to the final afternoon for a difference to be made.

Genre: Nervous fluff, some light angst, otherwise just fluff Warning(s): It’s a confession fic so expect saccharine nerves Word Count: 2293 Song(s): Serenade - (Hoony Solo) Winner, Mist - Ateez, You Can Stay - Stray Kids

AN: A request from anon, I’m sorry it took so long! I wasn’t feeling a lot of creativity for a while and literally like started completely again after like several thousand words, so this one is a little bit shorter but I think much better in quality. Sort of inspired by this comeback’s teasers

~~~

It was quiet, gently so, with the sun sending cascades of gold through the streets as it set after a relaxed day out at the beach. The rays grazed the pink hued clouds as the sky shone in radiant amber light, gracing you with a halo upon your seaswept hair while you skipped through the dappled shadows of the trees.

You were in reach—much like you had been the entire time, but Jae opted to place this worry aside for the sake of achieving success—to the point he could almost hear his future with you, your laughter whispering across the air. He’d never heard it so close before. It was if the gradually waning afternoon sun had brought it forward to him, to encourage the beating of his heart and the rising heat in his cheeks. He never blushed otherwise, after all.

It was time. For what exactly, Jae wasn’t sure. He had an idea, as this would be the perfect time to confess. But he couldn’t deny the lingering tones of an impending end. Sure, he was ready to practically burst, but it wasn’t that severe. He’d liked you for so long now, who could never imagine a world where he didn’t.

Mere steps away, that laughter was directed to his bandmate as he told you an animated story, his deep voice striving in intonation and octave. You shrieked when Dowoon shook his head, aging his voice for you so as to impersonate an elderly character and Jae sighed. He would never regret helping the youngest come out of his shell, not once, but he felt the pang in his chest as he realised just how happy he made you. He wanted to be the one. The only one.

He shook his head. Now was not time to lose hope or courage.

All he had to do was take a single long stride, ask you, and then he had the prime opportunity to open that loud mouth of his and admit the feelings he’d been having this whole time. The ones that threatened to cleave his heart in two so cleanly if they weren’t acted upon.

He levied himself, words spinning on the cogs of a machine in his head and formulating a sentence: it would only take one to get him started, it was all he needed.

Jae took the step, a deep breath passing through his lips, as his feet drew him close to you, then at your side, to where he wanted—no needed—to be.

He found himself sandwiched between you and your arguably closest friend rather awkwardly, shoulders pressed in to accommodate for his intrusion. But as his eyes glanced up and caught sight of the block of flats where they called home, he tossed the nerves aside the best he could. Now was not the time for worry.

Without a glance to Dowoon, something that he hoped would not be taken at all personally, he let his gaze fall onto you and your awe-striking features framed in the afternoon’s gold.

And with the nicest, suavest grin he figured he could ever pull, he let that one word he needed to let the others coalesce fall from his lips.

“Howdy.”

You didn’t take Jae’s sudden appearance at all negatively. Far from it: the sight of his face sent a rush through your veins more potent than any alcohol, leaving you briefly fuzzy in the head and a beam of your own rising to your cheeks.

Nothing could prepare you for many of his antics, as he always found a way to befuddle you with his sudden anecdotes and quote-worthy answers. This time, too, was no different.

As soon as he greeted you, your gently curved eyes widened in surprise as low giggles bubbled from your chest—as if the butterflies that resided there and rose to greet him were beginning to set themselves free. It didn’t help that Dowoon just behind his shoulder pulled an exaggerated expression in incredulosity, squished up to the walled fencing of the street.

“Howdy,” you returned, meeting his gaze set all the way above you. It never stopped amazing you how easily he could make your laugh, or how hard it was to tear your eyes away from his charming smile—even if it, like this one, was a tad on the unnerving side. You preferred to not think upon the slight delay you noticed in your actions.

“What can we do for you, Mr Park?”

“Hmm,” Jae thought for a while, heart pumping as he took the next step with ease, “I think it’s less of a plural and more of a singular scenario.”

It took a few moments to understand what he meant, you had to admit, but Dowoon was on the ball. “Aish, you could just ask!” He pouted, though it was faux for the most part as he quickly settled back into a grin, falling back to harass talk to Sungjin instead.

At last the two of you were left in peace. However, that was only part of this step. He had to ask you the rest as of yet, and you were drawing closer to home.

“Ok, you kicked poor Dowoon out, so what are you after?” you enquired with a sly chuckle and folded arms. You weren’t mad at all—how could you be? The person who you who had captured your heart so easily and nonchalantly wanted to not only be alone with you, was in the process of doing so.

Oh how you wished you didn’t drift across the pavement to give him space out of reflex. You wanted to stay as close to him as possible, to hold those fingers roughened by guitar strings between your own, let them bathe in the light of the slowly setting sun as you walked. But you couldn’t. Why? Your internal questioning wasn’t directed in the normal fashion, you were rather questioning your apparent cowardice. The excuses you had made all along whisked through your brain as you continued to stare at his crinkled fringe and plush lips that seemed more enticing than ever before.

“I was wondering if you wanted to watch the sun set, since it’s so nice out,” Jae explained, barely able to reciprocate your gaze. He leant in instead, daring to push you and himself one further, whispering, “And I stole the manager’s card so we can get extra snacks.”

You grinned, nibbling o the corner of your lip as you prayed to the heavens that no blush had risen significantly to your cheeks at his words. “I’m in, as long as you promise to hide them in my hiding spot this time.”

“Deal.”

The timing was very nearly off, your acceptance coming just before you had to turn to the main entrance, but fortune was on your side. You called over your shoulder, briefly instructing the others to not wait for you, you were just going to continue your walk and make the most of the weather.

“After all the weather forecast predicts rain tomorrow!”

“Yeah, severe storms! Awful! Floods in the streets!”

“Exactly! We may not see the sun for another week!”

It was was not true in the slightest, and the faces that were before you didn’t show a single sign of believing you—composed of mere nods and pressed smiles—and neither was it necessary, because as soon as your backs were turned, your four roommates immediately exchanged a knowing look, filled with a range of joy, relief and disdain.

But there you went nonetheless, making excuses for yourselves.

It didn’t matter for now, the focus was much more importantly upon the events that followed, as there was still much to go wrong.

The two of you threaded through the streets leading further out of town, barely running into another soul as you found yourselves back by the beach, though this time at the top of the hills that curbed it in parts.

The wind didn’t help you as you attempted to ease your fingers through your bedraggled locks, not that you really minded. You had decided to wash it upon your return home.

And so you let your thoughts swirl as they wished, following the lines of his shoulders and back beneath his loose shirt, wondering if you could ever trace them beneath your fingers in the real world. You let yourself be consumed by the daydreams of a plausible future that you longed for; waking up to his dishevelled hair resting upon a pillow beside yours, feeling him flush against you as he joking sat on your lap instead, hearing his voice sing and harmonise the most dreary of days, all the things that you’d done as close friends but this time could do as a couple.

Partners. Lovers. Together. A future constantly bathed in golden sunrises and sunsets.

You felt like it was closer than ever now, but so were the nerves. There was no doubt you loved him, and you were sure your affection was mutual but fear always kept you back.

It was at this moment that Jae came to a stop. You had reached an area free of underbrush and the odd dog-walker, with a clear view of the sun. Its belly was brushing the horizon as Jae settled his gangly limbs against the grass, and you very nearly forgot to join him after being distracted by the ombre shades that it cast upon the approaching clouds.

“Don’t look at it for too long,” he advised once you’d joined him upon the hilltop.

You chuckled, glancing at the orb that gave you warmth, but returning to him. He was capable of giving you so much more. “It’s still unsafe to look at, I know.”

“Don’t want those eyes of yours getting hurt,” he iterated his own falling to the mildly prickly blades of green around him, “they’re too pretty for that.”

His final words had been mumbled, caught by the same slight breeze that made you drape your hands across your bare arms.

Silence fell over the two of you once again, and it for a while appeared the same stalemate was going to occur once again. You both turned your attentions to the flourishing crimsons and encroaching indigo of the sky, wishing you could turn them toward the other and take in the beauty of their face instead.

Upon the dimming light of the afternoon giving way to the evening and night, you felt something begin to tug at your heart, cold rippling across your skin. You didn’t want to be cold.

Meanwhile Jae sat mute in a different way. He had expected to speak again right after he complimented you and then the words just tumbled away. He’d seen you turn your head to the horizon and he’d done the same. You were more insync than you’d perhaps first realised. All while he stared absently at the arching flames of the sky, the true fire blazed in his heart, heat breaking through to his ears and leaving his heart pounding. He didn’t want to be so hot.

You were so close, his hand right by yours in the grass. Neither of you had to move far to stretch across the centimetres of shadow and hold one another.

Nothing happened for the longest time. The wind played with the crests of the sea, the salt fell across the air and the small trees behind you rustled in hushed whispers.

And then, with a flurry of emotion and energy, your hands jumped and clashed, knuckles meeting fingertips, and you turned to look at one another in the dying light.

The two of you laughed at the accident, pulling away but not far. You pouted sheepishly, rubbing where the contact had been made. Until Jae once again bridged the gap, properly this time, and took your hurt hand into his.

He rubbed his course fingertips across the back of your palm tenderly, and though it was far from a serious injury you’d never thought you’d feel pain disappear so quickly. He was so gentle with you, and his touch alone seeped warmth through your system. You wanted more.

The touch of your cool hand soothed his nerves too, and he felt the constriction lying on his chest lessen, able to finally open his lips at last.

You had wondered why he had been so quiet, as you never would have expected this moment to be done in silence. But the more you considered it, you wouldn’t change a thing.

He didn’t need to apologise here, the caress of his lips pressed against your hand as he kissed it apologised enough for him. Much like he neither needed to speak to comfort you, or confess to let you know he loved you.

You knew mostly anyway, but his actions spoke larger than his smart words ever could.

You shifted across the grass and in an instant he embraced you in his warmth, his hands gripping at your shirt desperately as if you could slip away at any moment.

Nuzzling your nose into his neck, you breathed in his salt-tinged scent and breathed a sigh of relief, knowing the chaste kisses you pressed there got your message across.

Soon he pulled apart from you, but only to take your cheeks into his hands and kiss you properly. You melted into his lips, hands clutching to him and letting him seep into every corner of your being, while he was overcome with security. He finally had you, and he could sink into you just as he wanted to.

You exchanged no words as the sun finally fell beneath the horizon, but none were needed. The gold reflected you, and even though it faded into the deep evening, it would continue to shine for you.

~~~

AN: idk what you guys think of my makeshift paragraph breaks, idk if theyre any good but until tumblr makes some proper ones fuk u tumbler theyre going to be what i use rather than dots (which make the formatting look a bit weird? imo?)

Masterlist

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nightwideeyes · 3 years

Text

2020 review

do we really wanna do this? I’m not sure but god knows I need it.

shout out to 2016 me for starting this. I’ll compare it afterwards and see how many steps I’ve taken back

okay okay all jokes aside

all the bad shit that happened, all my thoughts, all my feelings

this is 2020 in retrospect, so buckle up and join me on the ride

see, I was pretty hopeful for this year because I spent half of 2019 in a toxic relationship which I deeply and passionately regret with all my heart because it took a toll on my mental health. The rest of 2019 I spent recovering from self hate and anxiety

so I went into 2020 with a fresh start fever thinking this is the year that will change things

but the anxiety didn’t really leave. throughout january i was rather okay, euphoric about the new year. at the end of february my anxiety got worse and i was overthinking a lot, started being tense a lot etc etc

then march the absolute avalanche introduced herself. miss rona. i don’t want to whine about how shit the pandemic is, how terrible it hit us all because it certainly hit people a lot harder than me but still, it’s not nice, its annoying and frustrating and can mess with someones head enough

so during march and april my anxiety was on peak levels. i was constantly mad, upset or nervous and had to spent my time in homeschool, having no distraction whatsoever

i spent a lot of time outside in the forest and discovered new magical places where I could find some peace and thats where I’ve been hiding away during may, becoming part of nature, finding back to my old self somehow

on my birthday the 11th I was feeling well, I was content and happy and thought shit would be alright again

but the day after I came home from school and received the message that my fathers cancer was back after 10 years. although I’ve pretended like it wasn’t all hopeless and things would be alright again I think it hit me the hardest this year. it’s been the starting point of me confronting myself once again with the thought of him dying, of leaving us behind, of me having all the responsibility of what he would leave us. of going through the struggle again, of going to hospitals again, of seeing him vanish again. it was devastating.

in may I attended an assessment center for a job I wanted to do with all my heart and felt so confident and strong that I could do it

but in june I received a letter of rejection and had to write myself in for another year of school because i didn’t really have an alternative

meanwhile my dads treatment got rescheduled again and again until june and he had his operation on the day I wrote my second final

so unknowingly and unnoticeably i was put under so much pressure of one unfortunate event following the next and it felt like I was just supposed to function when I didn’t want to function anymore

but these times ended and I wrote my fucking finals, passed them, celebrated a bit and my father recovered too, like we all had hoped anyway but didn’t know for sure

so summer had been the best time. although there were still restrictions on public life me and my friends had so much fun together and did amazing things and I think we just grew closer from the creativity of coming with ways to spent time with each other without having to go out much

i was doing a lot of yoga, a lot of mental self care during summer, watching atla, spending time trying to get in touch with my body and soul and I discovered some good music that helped me find myself and develop myself

at this point I would like to thank

5 seconds of summer; for making me realize that deep in my heart I will forever be teenage me stuck in my emo phase and that’s how I feel most comfortable

Upsahl; for reminding me that I’m a bad bitch who doesn’t need anyone or anything to be happy with herself

Yungblud, for reminding me its okay not to be okay and that broken people stand up for themselves and are strong together

and Blackpink, mostly for giving me more reasons to simp for cute girls

in august i was working for two weeks at a factory to earn some money and although I’ve been there before this time it’s just been hard. I felt really stupid and not taken seriously by the staff and I think that’s when I was getting anxious again, feeling very stupid and very unable to do anything right

from the anxiety starting in august it went into september with me. I started a new school year, gave this weird boy a ride to school two times before I scared him off for some reason (maybe because I was giving him badass lesbian vibes as I was playing Use Me by PVRIS in my car constantly) and was quarantined on the second day of school bc of our english teacher

in september my dad was submitted into the hospital a second time and we thought he had gotten worse again but this time it was a result of too much mental pressure. i was stressing into that again, thinking of ways I could help him with his responsibilities and worries.

the rest of september I spent in this weird state of perpetual tension and kind of continued it into october

on the fourth of october I went to Lehesten all by myself and I felt so proud and accomplished and I realized that I don’t need anyone to feel better but myself. so I went on some more field trips in october, enjoying some me time and some peace of mind, getting back into the bands I was listening to as a teen, recalling the times I felt free with myself

in november I was living off post human survival horror and felt so careless yet free of all of my worries, feeling numb but content

so until december there have been pecks of anxiety here and there but I’ve spent the fall months rather well, mentally

now december started well but the anxiety has increased again and now it’s been on moderate levels

but nonetheless I’m getting through day by day and I hope I will reach the state of carelessness again in order to collect my thoughts

so although 2020 has been a year of disappointment, hurt, fear and way too many thoughts and worries I would like to move onto the point of this list which might help me move on further

2020 positivity

a collection of things I've learned, I am grateful for and what I've experienced and done all year which I am proud of

- I've been more open and confident about my sexuality than ever before

- I've been spending so much time outside getting inspired

- I've been creative

- I've been writing the most honest and uplifting poetry ever since I started

- I've self printed and binded a poetry collection of my past and the sorrows that came with it to help overcome it

- I've started drawing again, started yoga and meditation and enhanced my spirituality, I've picked up the guitar again

- I've graduated 12th grade with an average of 1.6

- I've started 13th grade with crippling fear of failing and got used to it after a month and appreciated the challenge

- I've dealt with a big disappointment and learned that when one door closes a new one opens somewhere else

- I've learned what it means to support each other as a family but also when it's time to step back and distance yourself to protect yourself when you can't help anymore

- I've been getting in touch with the most free and careless version of myself

- I've rediscovered my love for old music I used to listen to

- I've learned that I don't need anyone to do what makes me happy

- I've learned to appreciate my friends more than ever for being my light and support

so although this year was full of disappointment and hurt and fear and worries it helped me grow

throughout this year I have been the bravest, strongest, most honest and authentic version of myself

I do not have any hopes for 2021. I just want to continue growing the roots I have dug for myself now. I want to continue blooming into the person I've strived to become all these years

I want to grow and continue blooming. I want to continue becoming the version of myself that makes me feel content about myself. But I also want to know I am valuable and whole at any time.

I want to overcome this anxiety and I want to be free of fear again.

so this is me manifesting it.

I will grow and I will continue blooming. I will continue becoming the version of myself that makes me feel content about myself. I am valuable and whole at any time. And I will overcome this anxiety and I will be free of fear again. I will not be afraid anymore. I will be clear again.

Ich werde keine Angst mehr haben, ich werde wieder klar sein.

#personal #2020 review #2020 positivity #growth #i guess

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themusicplayedherlife · 5 years

Text

Take a Chance (Part 14)

pairings: steve rogers x reader

word count: 2k+

warnings: angst?? fluff??

a/n: so this was originally supposed to be a lot longer, but i--for the life of me--could not write the wedding as much as i tried, but here it is! finally! two more chapters to go and a few side chapters ;w;

summary: AU! After a one night stand at a friend’s wedding, you gain something that could possibly change your life and views on life for better or worse.

*song recommended to listen to Adagio for Strings, Op. 11

previous || all || next

You try not to stare at your reflection too much.

Wanda and Natasha are moving around you, helping each other add their finishing touches after having helped you get ready. They’re laughing and cracking jokes, but it’s not completely genuine. They keep stealing glances at you when they think you’re not looking, but you can feel their heated gaze every time they make a joke, hoping it’ll pull a laugh from you. It doesn’t.

You play with the ring Steve gave you, twisting it around and slipping it on and off. You’ve found yourself staring at it more than you’d like—it’s beautiful, breathtaking really. But a part of you isn’t sure you deserve this ring. It belongs to Sharon, not you. Just like this whole wedding belongs to her.

Your gaze lifts when the door is thrown open to reveal Amora wearing the beautiful light green dress--that she and the girls picked as bridesmaids--that hugs her every curve and matches the color of her eyes. Her blonde hair, unlike Wanda’s and Natasha’s, is loose and framing her beautiful face perfectly.

Green eyes meets yours through the mirror as she closes the door behind her and stalks her way over to you. “You’re about to get married, but you look like you’re attending your lover’s funeral instead.”

“Amora,” Natasha warns her, but she shakes her off with a wave.

“Stop being such a drag and smile.”

“Amora.” Wanda tries to stop her too, but she just ignores her and stares at you with a raised brow.

Natasha’s heels click against the flooring. “You’re being a bitch.”

“Anything new?” She replies back, her voice nonchalant and teasing.

You sigh, eyes falling back onto the ring. Maybe if you ignore her and don’t make eye contact, she’ll go away.

Harsh whispers fill the room, the three of them arguing about who knows what, until a silence blankets over them. Natasha breaks the silence first, promising to be back before it’s time for you to walk down the aisle.

Wanda sends you a worried glance before promising the same and following Natasha out of the room.

Amora waits for the door to close behind them before addressing you. “A little birdie told me you’ve been avoiding your soon-to-be-husband. Said you kept turning him away every time he tried to visit you at your mother’s. Want to tell me what that was about?”

You flinch—husband. In an hour he’ll be your husband. There’ll be no turning back after this, you’re going to have to make it work, push your feelings aside and focus on Shrimp. For Shrimp, you remind yourself, resting a hand on your stomach that is slowly starting to get bigger. “I think you more than anyone understands he’s not really going to be my husband.”

She scoffs. “The wedding license you signed begs to differ.”

“Maybe under the law, but he’s never going to be mine. This whole thing is just a sham, just like yours was.”

“Beg your pardon? My wedding ceremony was not a sham,” she spits the word out with disdain. “And neither is my marriage to Sam. We may have had our reasons to get married, but that does not mean we do not care for one another. He is my husband and I am his wife.”

You purse your lips. If she knew about Natasha—

“If you are thinking about what happened between Sam and Natasha, you do not have to worry. I already knew before she herself knew.”

You turn to gape at her and she chuckles.

“Oh, my love, why do you think Sam and I agreed to this marriage? How do you think we are making it work? We both understood that we would not fall for each other, but we knew that we could love and care for one another. An open marriage is what is helping us strive.”

“But on your wedding—“

She raises a perfectly manicured brow. “That was my day to be lavished with attention and Sam knew that. Had the perfect night planned for me that involved a very private massage and a lot of chocolate covered strawberries. As a reward, I allowed him to do whatever or whoever he wanted. The honeymoon was ours and ours completely.” She pauses for effect, lips widening. “Well... not entirely.”

You grimace at the suggestiveness laced into her words and the image she has painted in your mind. “Really didn’t need to know that.”

She laughs, clearly enjoying how uncomfortable she has made you.

As her laughter dies down, the loud ticking of the clock fills the room and your gaze falls to the ring on your finger. Would he be mad if you returned it after the ceremony? You cover your ring finger with your hand, sighing gently. Do you even want to part from it?

“You know,” she starts, breaking the silence between you after studying you. “For as long as I have known you, you have always infuriated me.”

You sigh. “Seriously, Amora?”

She ignores your disgruntled protest to continue with her tirade. “Always hiding your feelings from others, purposely making yourself miserable.” What is she...? “Do you not grow tired?”

Your breath hitches, lodging itself in your throat as your fingers twitch and your eyes meet hers through the mirror. For once, there’s a tenderness in her pretty eyes that you have never seen from her.

“You build a wall around yourself that everyone has to climb just to see a fragment of who you are. And as soon as they get close enough, you shake them off, afraid of what their reaction might be if they see all of you. You just keep building higher and higher, isolating yourself—isolating every single feeling you’ve ever felt out of fear. Are you not exhausted?”

Your mouth opens and closes, wanting to deny her words, but words do not form only a choked sound that pushes your mind back to the night you cried in Steve’s arms.

“I might not know Steve’s feelings for you or any of this, but I do understand yours—you have fallen for him, or else you would not be keeping your distance from him; would not be saying he is not yours.”

You hang your head, murmuring, “He won’t ever have feelings for me.“

“How can you be so sure of that when you do not give him a chance to fall in love with you?” She rests her hands on your shoulders. “The matter of the heart is tricky business, my love. It can fall in love in a moment or it can take years; it can love for a lifetime or it can hold on for a day. We do not ever know what is in store for us when it comes to love. But what we do know is that loving, being in love, and being loved is a wonderful thing, something we should never trade for anything in the world or ignore.

“Bring down those walls and let him in completely, stop pulling back, and find out for yourself what kind of love you will share with one another.”

Of course she’d make it sound so easy. She just doesn’t understand! No one does! You dig the heels of your hands into your thighs. “I can’t afford to, Amora. It’s not just me anymore! I have Shrimp to think about and this could ruin everything for them. They’re my priority.”

She sighs. “You are an idiot. I said it when you were with my oaf of a cousin, Thor and I am saying it again: you are an idiot and a coward. Your happiness is just as important as your little one’s.”

At the mention of your ex-boyfriend, a dull pain blooms in your chest. He deserved better than what you could offer him. “This is different! I—I couldn’t love Thor as he deserved— couldn’t love him as much as he loved me. He didn’t deserve that.”

“No,” she says firmly, “you were afraid to find out if you could. You were afraid of allowing yourself to truly fall and risk it all.” Her eyes harden. “You were afraid of losing his love and of losing that love you could have found for him.” Just like your parents, were her unspoken words. “But you can not keep clinging to the past—“

“I’m trying!”

She scrutinizes you. “Are you? You have to stop fearing the future, too, love. The present is what you have, and it’s what you should focus on. Steve is—“

A knock on the door startles you and interrupts her. Wanda and Natasha poke their head in. Wanda flashes you an encouraging smile and Natasha a worried glance.

“It’s time,” Wanda says.

Your heart pounds harshly against your rib cage and your eyes meet Amora’s once more.

“Stop holding back,” she says, offering you her hand.

When you were six years old, you and your family attended a beautiful wedding. You had been so enthralled by the flowers and the music. So fixated on the bright rays that slipped through the large glass-stained windows, dust particles flying in the air like magical fairies blessing the small church and the couple tying their love. So enamored with the beautiful bride in the purest of whites as she was led down the aisle by her father. You could see so much in his eyes full of tears—the pride and all of the love he had for his daughter shining brighter than the golden ornaments decorating the chapel.

“That’s going to be us one day,” your dad had leaned down to whisper in your ear, and you smiled wide, eyes bright and twinkling as they looked up at the man you once thought your hero.

“You promise, papá?”

“Con todo mi corazón, bebe.”

With all my heart, he had promised. If only that little girl you used to be knew how much of a lie that was. Would she had clung so much to the memory of him after he left?

“Mija,” you mother says softly, taking your hand in hers.

You smile weakly in her direction and she squeezes your hand.

“He’s not him,” she says softly, assuringly.

“I know, mama.”

“I trust him,” she whispers, cupping your face in her dainty hands, bringing your head down to press her forehead against you. “I believe in him.” She pulls away and presses a gentle kiss to your skin, just above your eyebrow.

“We’re here for you,” your sister says, squeezing your left hand.

You bite your lips and nod just as the double glass doors open and the music begins—the cello and bass filling the backyard with its song just as Natasha starts you all off—walking slowly and in time with the music. Wanda goes next, and she smiles back at you reassuringly before staring straight ahead and walking with her head held high.

Your heart races and you hold your mother’s hand once more, your grip tightening on her and your sister’s hands as Amora steps out into the bright yard. Vicky, in a beautiful white dress with golden embroidery of flowers on the skirt, drops petals on the white carpet covering the grass as she smiles at the guests.

Your sister hands you your bouquet made out of blue and white hydrangeas, and a bunch of other flowers you don’t recognize, and you take it from her, your hand shaking. They loop their arms through yours and with their help, you walk down the aisle.

It’s all a blur—the faceless blobs standing and their muted whispers as the string quartet plays.

“Breathe,” you think you hear your sister whisper to you, but it’s all white noise at this point. The warm sun on your skin sends trickles of sweat down your back and your feet are already starting to swell. It’s uncomfortable and all you want to do is sit down and cry, but you can’t, not now—not now!

Instead of focusing on the faceless guests, you resolve to keep your gaze forward, but as they move, your eyes lock with Steve’s and it takes everything in you to not cry. His eyes are wide and his bottom lip is hanging open; his hands that had been resting at his sides suddenly come to his front where he folds them neatly—fingers playing as they tug on one another nervously. He hardly pays any attention to someone—Bucky?—leaning in and whispering in his ear, his baby blues are completely focused on you.

And then he smiles and its like the whole world is shifting. It’s such a beautiful smile—the corner of his eyes wrinkle as his eyes moon; the corner of his lips lifting with every step you take. It sends a rush of fresh air to your lungs as your blood calms and your heart that had been ready to jump out of your chest, slows.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispers breathlessly as you come to a stop in front of him. There’s a sheen in his eyes, glossy and misted.

A newfound heat takes over you as you get lost in the sincerity of his gaze. “Thank you.”

“Please, take care of her,” your mom pleads, voice firm and yet so vulnerable, breaking the trance you had been under. She offers him your hand, but she refuses let go.

“I will,” he says it resolutely—a promise.

She squeezes your hand and takes his hand, and with her guidance, your hands meet. “I know.” She only lets go when his fingers slip between yours. “I love you,” she whispers to you.

“I love you too,” you whisper back as she and your sister take their seats.

Both you and Steve, with your hands wrapped in warmth, turn towards the wide expanse of the sea; an arch of flowers looming over your bodies as the officiant opens the ceremony with well known words.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…”

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x y/n #Steve rogers x you #Steve rogers #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers au #reader insert #marvel fanfiction #marvel au #take a chance

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lvehui · 4 years

Text

late night thoughts - hong jisoo

genre: this was so fluffy but so angsty??? like???

In which Y/N wonders if she and Joshua will last.

(inspired by that one meme that's like, "hey do you like me?" and the guy responds, "honey, we're married" and the other meme that's like, "you like me?" and the guy, who is literally proposing, says, "take a wild guess.")

this one is for anyone who constantly brings themselves down.

word count: basically 1.9k. could've been more if i added more to the imagery than like, the emotion of the piece (which is heavy, by the way). i'll edit it to make it better later.

After binge-watching all three seasons of Stranger Things and sharing an entire tub of Neapolitan ice cream --- which was probably very unhealthy, by the way--- Y/N and Joshua finally decided to slip under a cozy, warm blanket and call it night, right where they were on the couch. Their bedroom was only a few feet away from them, but they both had been too comfortable being in each other's arms to even consider sleeping in it.

With his right arm wrapped around Y/N's waist, he had pulled her into his chest and buried his face into the crook of her neck. It wasn't long before her boyfriend fell asleep in that position, leaving Y/N alone in her thoughts.

As cliche as it sounded, she wondered how she had gotten so lucky, meeting the love of her life in a coffee shop. If she hadn't decided to make a detour from her usual route to work and fetch a double-shot espresso to wake herself up, things would be different. Joshua would've been swept off his feet by another girl and Y/N would've been having another one-night stand with her insatiable ex-boyfriend. Yet, there she was, at home in Joshua's loving embrace, and honestly, she didn't know where she'd be without him.

Despite not wanting to think about it, she often imagined her unimaginable life without Joshua. Sure, their relationship made her feel more than complete, but the likelihood of him losing interest in her, falling out of love with her, and eventually leaving her overshadowed all the good. Before she knew it, she was breaking her own heart, like the anxious and overwhelmed baby she was.

"Hey, love?" she whispered.

Joshua moved a little before he hummed, "Yeah?"

"Do you still like me?" Her fingers twiddled as she waited for a response, already feeling awkward and dumb for asking such a question.

Another hum. "Take a wild guess." He was probably talking with his eyes closed because she sensed sleepiness in his answer. "Y/N, look at us right now. We're spooning on this small ass couch, we eat from the same spoon, and live together. On top of that, I don't think I can go a day without kissing you all over. If I wasn't such a broke Millenial, you'd have a ring on your finger by now."

A shade of pink spread across her cheeks, then all over her entire body. But then that fuzzy feeling was set aside by insecurity. "Really?"

"Really," Joshua easily replied. "Do you doubt me?"

The answer was yes, but it didn't pass her rosy lips.

"Y/N," he murmured, quietly, but not quietly enough to stifle the natural sweetness in his voice. "What's wrong?"

Subconsciously, her body scooted further into his lean frame. Even though there was no gap between the couple and Joshua wasn't going anywhere any time soon, Y/N needed to be closer to put herself at ease. (Or at least she'd try.)

"Nothing, really," she quickly lied, attempting to cover up her abysmal mood. Then she joked, "Maybe it's just the lactose getting to me?"

Joshua removed his left hand from Y/N's waist and brought it to her long, black hair, gently pushing some of it behind her ear. "Perhaps," he mused, entertaining the possibility, even though he saw right through her. There was a slight pause, in which he simply stroked her hair, before adding, "Or maybe its something else and you're just afraid to tell me?"

"Maybe it is," she mumbled, a tiny, defeated pout following. "But it isn't a big deal." Then, "I mean, it is, to me, but like... you know, it shouldn't be a big deal, and my mind is just going into overdrive for reasons that I don't want to tell you because I don't want to scare you off and---"

"Hey, hey, hey," Joshua told her. "This isn't me telling you that your feelings aren't valid, but slow down, calm down, and look at me. Please."

Y/N shifted her weight and turned to face her boyfriend, whose expression was full of seriousness and concern. It made her question what she looked like in his eyes, not just then, but every day. (And also, was it messed up of her to think about how ethereally beautiful he was in these circumstances?)

"I just... I was just thinking about how great life is with you, and how much I cherish you, and how absolutely devastated I'd be if we broke up," Y/N revealed in a low voice.

For a brief moment, a mix of surprise and sadness flashed across Joshua's face, until his brows furrowed in confusion. "You think I want to break up with you?"

She shook her head and waved her hands, furiously. "N-no! No, I don't! And I never want to break up with you," Y/N promised him, reassuringly. Once she collected a few short breaths, that same insecure feeling returned to her. "...but you could always want to."

"Want to what?"

His question caused Y/N to avoid his eyes. "You might not want to break up with me now... You might love me now... But that can always change, is what I mean," she explained, feeling stupider by the minute. "Like, you see people fall in and out of love all the time. They think that they're going to want each other forever until they don't. They lose interest in one another. They fall for someone else. They realize that the person they're with isn't the one."

She continued, "And I'm not saying any of that is wrong. I rather break things off than stay with someone because I've invested so much of my life in being with them. So if you ever wanted to leave me because you're unhappy, then I'd support it."

And suddenly, tears began to prick the corners of her eyes. "But even though I'd support it, it'd break my heart, you know? And I was just thinking about how likely it would be for you to break up with me because I'm lacking in so many areas." A snot-nose laugh came out of her mouth. "Like the common sense department, the talent department, the humor department... and especially the beauty department."

Gingerly, she pinched the sleeve of his hoodie and restrained herself from breaking down. "I guess I'm just wondering when you're going to come to your senses and be done with me."

Silence hung in the air, distancing the two even though they practically shared the same air. Y/N's eyes focused on Joshua's chest, boring into the gray material. It was then she realized that maybe, in her heart of hearts, she wanted Joshua to come to his senses because he deserved a better girl than her.

Joshua slid his arm out from under her, so he could bring both of their hands together, with his over hers. With a firm, yet tender squeeze, he admitted, "I've thought about you leaving me before, as well as whether or not we're meant to last."

Her widened eyes could meet his. Genuine surprise and curiosity were written all over her delicate features. "You have?"

"More or less." A sad smile graced his face, highlighted by the moonlight seeping through the cracks of their window. "If I had a list of irrational fears, that one would be number one."

Joshua's genuineness caused her to look down at his chest again, not knowing how to feel about his response. On one hand, it made her feel shy and giddy, but on the other, it made her ashamed for being worried.

"You should be more scared of spiders or something," is all she said. "Don't waste your biggest fear on me."

"It's not a waste," he replied, shaking his head. "It keeps me going. It's the reason why I strive to be the best boyfriend. Just because I have you, doesn't mean I can't lose you, so I've vowed to treat every day of our relationship like it could be the last."

He continued, filling up the empty spaces within their conversation. "And It's true that people fall out of love. That's why break-ups and divorce exist," he told her. "So I get why you're working yourself up about the possibilities. It's because of the very fact that the chance of things going wrong exists."

Her boyfriend was right--- even though their relationship was going well, Y/N had allowed herself to become overwhelmed by her self-insecurities and the sheer possibility of breaking up.

She felt herself begin to crack. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't apologize!" he told her, coming off more upset than he meant to. After a moment, he simply sighed, before using one hand to cradle her pale, tear-stained cheek. "Everyone gets scared. Everyone overthinks. You're not the only one, okay? It's natural."

His thumb wiped away one of her dewy teardrops while small hiccups bubbled in her chest. "I can't blame you for doing any of those things, because I do them too," he told her. "But if we allow our worries to consume us, then we'd be self-sabotaging ourselves, not able to enjoy the moment because we're too busy thinking about the future mess-ups, you know?"

She nodded.

"Mess ups will come, but as long as our love is strong, they will go," he reassured her. "And I know our love is strong. I know we can do anything. And I know that I aim to spend the rest of my life with you, despite any obstacle we may encounter, and nothing is going to stop me from doing that."

Joshua tilted her chin upward so that he could see her entire face. "That being said... I'm wholeheartedly willing to take those chances because I love you, and everything about you, from the way you snort when you laugh, to the way you cry every time someone dies in an anime."

"Hey!" One of her tiny fists weakly hit his shoulder in embarrassment, but his comment made sent a not-so-subtle shade of pink to her cheeks. She tried to appear mad by scrunching her eyebrows together, to no avail. "Asshole."

"Seriously," Joshua said. "I love you. You're all I see." He took her hand, the one he had been holding for the longest time, and put it over the upper right side of his chest. His heartbeat wasn't rapid, but it was steadily pounding away, letting go of its inhibitions. "I want us to be together..."

"Forever," she finished, clearing her face of snot and salty tears. A smile peeked through her sweater paws. "Yeah... I know."

Finally, the bitter cold that had been cast throughout the air was thawed by the warmth of their hearts. It was soon after their conversation that they had fallen asleep, both of them this time, with Y/N snuggled in Joshua's arms, right where she was supposed to be.

She knew that there were no guarantees and there was the possibility of things going wrong, and hell, her insecurities would always be there, but that night, she fell asleep to utter feeling of being loved, basking in the present, but dreaming of the beautiful future ahead of them.

#seventeen fanfic #fanfic #svt #hong jisoo #hong joshua #svt joshua #seventeen #please comment im begging you bro #jiang writes!

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triptychexe · 5 years

Photo

TRIPTYCH. DARE. SECOND ALBUM. 7/31/19.

TRACK DESCRIPTIONS TYPED OUT BELOW.

INTRO: BRAVERY:

A purely instrumental/ambient track that was produced and composed by One, Teo, and Van.

"DARE is an album that feels close to getting punched in the gut… Some things that are discussed in this album are not topics that your average idol group sings about. This intro is your airbag.”- ONE

"DARE is no joke. The introduction track is supposed to give you just a taste of what’s to come. We took elements from stand-out tracks like DARE, RED RUM, and THE INVITATION and made it into one short and sweet sample.”- TEO

“Our group has always gotten criticisms. A lot of people dislike that we are very… open about who we are and what we believe in. Not many idols are as outspoken as we are, which is fine, of course. But we want to inspire people with our music to stand up against injustices and wrongs that we see. They need bravery, and we’re more than happy to give them that.”- VAN

DARE:

The title track is the second ever song in Triptych’s discography to feature all 18 members. The song calls out the injustices in society (including unfair police treatment, prejudice against the LGBT, sexual assault cases, to name a few). The track was written by members Nia, Asa, Cal, Teo, and Eli. It was produced and composed by One, Sun, Van, and Sol.

“We feel like people will gossip about something serious for a few days and then forget about it once it’s lost its shock value. This track, in my eyes, is supposed to help people realize that in order to see change, we need to take charge. And that’s what we want to do. This song is a risky move… We could tarnish our reputation with this song. But is it worth it if it gets people talking? I think so.”- NIA

“This is the most politically driven song we have ever made. We’ve talked about gender roles, we’ve talked about general societal standards… but I don’t think we’ve ever been this blunt before. It’s sure to give the older generations a bit of a shock. I can’t wait to see the reaction.”- CAL

“[DARE is] going to be a game changer, I think. I don’t know how to word this correctly without sounding too boastful, but I think our music usually makes an impact in the K-Pop community one way or another. However, I don’t think anyone will ever take an idol group seriously. We hope to change that with this song and other songs on this album.”- ELI

WE ARE:

Featuring all 18 members, this song was written by members Ame, Teo, Fin, Van, Jin, and Eli. With EDM and pop influences, this track explores what it means to truly put aside your pride and be who you want to be.

“There’s a lot of pressure these days to fit in, especially with things like social media being a huge part in people’s lives. I think that people just need to be reminded that at the end of the day, fitting in isn’t all that matters. Being popular isn’t going to make you happy down the line, wearing designer clothing will only make you happy as long as it fits you. Fitting a mold shouldn’t be what people strive for. Fitting into yourself is what truly matters.”- AME

“When I wrote this, I not only had our younger and teenage Artychs in mind, but I also thought a lot about our own maknaes.Our youngest member is currently nineteen, and even though that’s not a child, they still are constantly feeling pressure to conform to what an idol should be. They haven’t been in the game as long as us, so I think some of the lyrics are for our maknae line to learn from.”- JIN

“I’ve always struggled with trying to be someone else that other people liked. If there’s one thing that plagued my teenage years, it was the fear of judgment. I’ve slowly grown out of this fear, but I’d be lying if I said I still care about what others think to some degree. I think writing this song really helped me focus on goals that I want to reach for self-improvement. I hope that fans also can reach these goals with me.”- FIN

RED RUM:

RED RUM, inspired heavily by Triptych’s seniors and lablemates, Vice, has a creepy and horror-like sound. Written by Teo, Jin, Sol, and Hyo with special help on producing from Vice’s Cyth. Features all 18 members.

“RED RUM is an interesting track. It’s a direction none of our subunits has explored, so it was fun to mess around with a darker sound. We got a lot of help from Cyth. He was really interesting to work with and really added a new twist. As far as the lyrics go, this song is about perception. Perception of people, situations, industries… Nothing is ever as it seems.”- SOL

“We know way too many people who have been screwed over in this industry. Including us, of course. No one’s safe from being used when you’re an idol. I guess this was sort of a reflection on all the things we have gone through to be where we are today. A lot of people look at an idols life and think it’s a dream. I beg to differ. Never trust a smile in a suit.”- YEN

“Unfortunately, by expressing how badly you want your dreams, you’re making yourself vulnerable to companies and agencies that want to sign you. Once they have your desperation, they can manipulate you. Everyone knows ‘red rum’ backwards is ‘murder’. We get asked for advice from fans who want to be idols pretty frequently. Even though to their face I tell them to never give up, I wish I had told them to read between the lines.”- HYO

VISION:

Boasting all 18 members, this track gives a much more hopeful and upbeat message than previous songs. Written by members Teo, Fin, Yen, Asa, and Zim, this song almost counters the previous track “RED RUM” by reminding listeners that things always get better.

“Life isn’t just filled with bad stuff. I think VISION is very relevant for this album, even though it is different from the first four tracks. At the end of dark tunnels, there is always light. I hope that VISION can guide our Artychs through their own dark tunnels.”- FIN

“I think we contradict ourselves a little bit with this track, but that’s human nature. All of the songs leading up to this one have been very serious and filled with some dark stuff. We needed a song that would pull everyone out of that emo funk, and I think this song delivers.”- ZIM

“VISION is that feel-good song that should just be played on a loop all summer long. I think it’s that song that you listen to on the way back from a rough day at work or an unpleasant outing and you’re like… Wow, Triptych is right. Life gets better.”- ASA

SELFISH:

Written and composed by members Yen, Asa, Jin, Teo, Nia, Sun, and Sol, SELFISH is a song about wanting a significant other all to yourself without other people being involved in your relationship. Boasting 18 members, this track holds special meaning to the members of Triptych who have come forward about their personal relationships.

“Relationships of mine have always been up for speculation. Ever since I debuted to now. I guess I wrote this song thinking about all the things I’d like to say to my significant others when we’re not in the spotlight.”- NIA

“Being as polite as possible, I think the typical fan sometimes forgets that we, idols, are humans too. And I’m not saying they’re bad people for forgetting so-- it’s our job for our fans to feel very close to us! We do have a very tight bond to our fanbase, which is something I’m forever thankful for, but I think SELFISH is a nice way to draw the line in the sand."- SUN

“Idols date all the time, it's just rarely ever show to the public. Having to share every aspect of your life to people can be exhausting. Sometimes we wish that our personal relationships were kept personal. There's actually nothing 'selfish' about that."- DAY

THE INVITATION:

For the seventh track, the supergroup takes a more sensual and slow take with their song THE INVITATION. Written by members Van, Sol, Teo, Ame, and Jin.

“The song is supposed to be a little intimate and slow. The ‘invitation’ is a peek into our minds and our personal lives, something that we give to fans on a daily basis. THE INVITATION talks about how open we are. Being an idol has really taught me how to let certain people in and how to keep others out. As a group, we put out very raw and real stuff. We just wanted to express how intimate that truly feels through song.”- KIT

“If it feels like we’re… Uh… getting it on…While listening to the song, that’s the goal. Everything we put out, we trust our fans to react to it and support it. They literally carry our careers in their hands. They know they’re powerful, just watch them on Twitter, but they also have all our trust, which I think is more powerful than trending a hashtag world wide.”- DAY

"We hope that what fans take away from this song is that we share a deeply intimate relationship, even though we may not know each other. Like the song itself, the concept of this relationship should be slightly unsettling. However, our relationship goes both ways. You share intimate things with us and we share intimate things with you." - VAN

WONDER OF IT ALL:

Even though the group itself has been in motion since 2015, the support and love they receive around the world still baffles them to this day. On the eighth track and the final OT18 song on the album, Triptych dedicates this song to all the Artychs that have supported them. Each member has given a hand in either producing, writing, or composing this track.

“This song is probably the most personal and sentimental song I have ever helped write. I’m not the best with my words or emotions, so trying to tell Artychs how I feel about their continuous support was really hard, especially when they never fail to leave me speechless. They have helped us do what we love to do as a living and they allow us to be ourselves while doing so. That’s something I will forever be grateful for.”- HYO

“I think it’s really beautiful just how strong music can be. A good chunk of our fans don’t even speak Korean, yet they learn all the words to our songs and practice the dance routines. Music and the love for music brings us together on a colossal, global scale. We may come from different backgrounds and walks of life, but I hope that when Artychs listen to this song, they feel like they are connected to us somehow.”- AME

“Out of all the songs I’ve written, I love writing about our fans the most. It’s like documenting a great love story. I’m not saying that our fans have romantic relations with us by any means, but the way we love each other - platonically and supportively - is so strong and so powerful. It’s a kind of love that I will never find anywhere else in the world, yet I feel it all around the world when I tour. It truly is wonderful.”- TEO

S.O.S:

Y3LLOW brings back a classic hip hop vibe with S.O.S, a track that tells the story of someone falling deeply in love with someone, but is unsure if the feeling is reciprocated. Written, composed, and produced by Y3LLOW subunit members Zim, Eli, Van, Ame, One, Sol.

“I think our discography needed a break from being so down and in the dumps. As a group I feel like love songs aren’t really our forte, but they’re equally as relevant and as relatable as our more serious songs. We shouldn’t have to just sing about the bad stuff to be recognized as a ‘good artist’. We should be allowed to sing about whatever we’re going through and that should be enough.”- ELI

“I feel like we’ve all been in this situation before where we like someone so much it feels like we’re drowning. I think when writing S.O.S I reflected on feelings that I’ve had in the past. Crushing on people hurts. That’s why it’s called ‘crushing’."- AME

“This song kinda hits a little hard, I’m gonna be honest. It’s relatable in the saddest way possible. Why is it that the people you love hurt you so much? And most of the time without even knowing it? What the hell? How is this a thing that humans feel?”- ONE

MIDNIGHT:

Subunit R3D enters the album with a slow EDM and pop style jam that has hints of romance. Written and composed by R3D subunit members Nia, Teo, Ura, Jin, Kit, and Sol.

“MIDNIGHT is supposed to give you those butterflies you feel when you’re young and in love. The song itself literally speaks of sneaking out your window at midnight to meet someone you love. If you want to look at it on a deeper level, I personally like to think of it as a love song between oneself and escaping your old self to meet a new version of you. If you don’t want to take deeper looks, don’t feel pressured to, though. Love songs just aren’t my thing.”- URA

"This track is very vocal-heavy, much like our other subunit track. I think R3Ds role in the group is to bring attention to our vocalists. It's nice to have songs with little to no rap in them from time to time."- JIN

“I mean, who doesn’t dream of sneaking off with someone in the middle of the night? I’ve yet to meet someone that makes me feel this way, but I wrote how I want to feel when I meet the right person. If they don’t make you feel how MIDNIGHT makes you feel, they’re not the one for you!”- KIT

EYES ON ME:

Returning with a hyped up tropical beat, subunit BLU3 makes a splash with their song “EYES ON ME”. Written, composed, and produced by BLU3 subunit members Yen, Asa, Cal, Hyo, Sun, and Fin.

“EYES ON ME is that summer bop that will just be blasting from your car radio all summer long. It’s just a fun song about just basically just showing up to the club with all your friends and being like ‘we run this biss’. I think it’s the ultimate turn up song.” - HYO

"Look, we saw your tweets, Artychs. We know it’s hot girl summer. So trust me when I say that this is the ultimate hot girl summer anthem. I hope listeners get an instant confidence boost when they hear this song. I personally think it’s a total banger.”- SUN

“I think BLU3 has some of the funniest and most lively members out of Triptych. I think our role in Triptych is to bring songs that give people those good vibes and I think we delivered. Our personalities really shine through in this song. This couldn’t have been a better fit with our subunit.”- YEN

OUTRO: SOMETHING:

To finish the album, another instrumental and ambient track is played. The sound may be confusing to fans at the first listen, as it seems to be playing samples of old Triptych songs in the background.

“OUTRO: SOMETHING isn’t supposed to be an easy listen. It’s supposed to kinda throw you off and make you think ‘What is this’? The point of the track is to have you anticipating what’s to come.”- SOL

“A third generation of Triptych has been rumored for a long time and I know Artychs are curious about the outro and if it has any relation to Gen 3. I can confirm that this outro is not about new members joining us. However, we have plans already to try out some new things musically. We hope that fans will receive these new changes well. Anticipate.”- NIA

“Artychs know to expect the unexpected with our group. We are always try out new things, testing new waters, stuff like that. I think OUTRO: SOMETHING reminds both Triptych and Artychs that there's always room for exploration." - ELI

#kumokocnet #koclovebot #omayakocnet #tokyokocnet #wooperkocnet #kpop au #fake kpop #fake kpop group #kpop oc #oc kpop group #original kpop group #oc!kpop #oc!idol #idol!oc #kpop!oc #kpop idol!oc #kpop idol!au #kpop!au

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roger1na · 5 years

Text

careful ch3 - john deacon x reader

summary: you are a ballet student at the royal ballet academy. To pay for your tuition, you work part-time at the celebrity gossip magazine, Seven. One fateful day you’re sent to interview a band on the rise, Queen, post-concert and befriend the sweetest man on the planet.

word count: 2.3k+

warnings: swearing, cigarettes/smoking

author's note: thank you for being patient! i'm back in my groove after a few desperately stressful weeks and i'm super excited about this chapter and the next few ones!

[ch1] [ch2] [ch3] [ch4] [ch5] [ch6] [ch7] [ch8]

chapter three

Falling in love was so terribly easy, you thought. You wanted to drift into love, be slowly caressed into feeling romantic things. With John, you’d been pushed out of an airplane and the ground was approaching fast but you weren’t scared. You almost wanted to be taken into the embrace of the earth. It’s where humans are meant to be on, isn’t it? Feet planted.

Loud thoughts and bursting emotions stampeded in your brain after dancing. Your face was glistening with sweat and your updo had come loose, stray hairs framing your elegant face. When you danced, all your worries left you. There was just the music and the choreographed steps and the ache in your muscles. Once Tchaikovsky’s last composed note stopped though, real life came tumbling and left you more breathless than dancing ever did.

Particularly the colour of post-it note neon green kept coming up. It was a whole new level of fear that had stricken you when you had noticed it stuck to your desk telephone.

call me sometime!

xxx-xxx-xxx

The note was scrawled in messy handwriting and whoever had written it had had shaky hands for the way the letters peaked oddly. But they had forgotten to sign their name and for a moment you were extremely confused.

”Nat!” You called out to the office secretary, a small but dynamite woman with cat-eye lens and no time for anybody’s bullshit. She looked up and clicked her tongue.

”Yes love?”

”Who’s this from?”

”Oh some bloke.” She went back to her typing, acrylic nails click-clacking on the keys.

”Wow, yeah, can you be more specific?” You rolled your eyes. ”What’d he look like?”

She squinted her huge eyes and looked up to the right corner of her eyes trying to remember. ”Long brown hair. Sort of a big nose, but not in a bad way. Looked like he hadn’t smiled since birth.” Your heartbeat sped up and you held the note close to your chest. ”Why? ’Ave you got a bloke?”

”No! Shut up. Maybe.”

She grinned and set aside her work and leaned on her hands to get a better look at you. She pumped her eyebrows up a few times. ”Tell me more.”

”Sorry, I’ve actually got work to get to thank you,” you turned on your heel, trying not to squeal or scream or show any sort reaction to the little square piece of paper that had saved your morning.

”Ha ha. Run from this discussion for now, Y/N.”

And so you did. You locked yourself in the bathroom before carefully taking out your diary and sticking the note there, then casually as ever you continued your day, not thinking about it. Or pretending not to think about it. It never really left your mind. You imagined what’d it be like to roll those numbers into a phone. To hear his voice slightly muffled, slightly static, on the other end. And then you told yourself not to think about it because there was work and dancing and living to be done.

That’s how you ended up in the dressing room, clutching your diary and thinking of all the sappy things you’d like to say to him and framing the note with little hearts and stars and general squiggles, not really thinking much of it.

“Are you really going to keep writing sloppy romantic shit about him in your diary and never talk to him again?” Rose startled you, peeking over your shoulder.

You slammed the notebook shut, embarrassed that she’d gotten a glance at your innermost thoughts. “Shut up,” you bopped her over the head with the book gently. “It’s not easy. What do I say?”

“Hi, I’m madly in love with you but I’m too proud to admit it?”

”Shut up!” You laughed. ”’M really not.”

”That mushy shit-” she gestured to your diary vaguely throwing her hands around it, ”-that’s madly in love.”

“No, it’s not, it’s barely a crush.” You quipped back and held your diary tightly to your chest.

“A-ha! You admit there’s feelings!” She jumped around victoriously. A scarlet flush was spreading on your cheeks. Rose paused her celebration when she saw your embarrassed face. “What’s wrong? Is this the first time you’ve had feelings since, what, 1969?” She was joking around but your eyes were panicked. Her mouth formed a little ‘o’ when she realised.

“What do I do?” There was a certain urgency to your voice. Rose took pity on you, lacing your hands in hers.

“You goof, it’s going to go just fine.”

“Will it?”

“If you give me a light, I’ll promise you,” she had let go of your hands and was now fumbling in her bag for her trusty pack of Marlboro Reds, same shade as her lipstick. When you had tossed her your lighter and she was inhaling nicotine, you started making your way out of the studio.

“Listen, call him. You’re a total dork, he sounds like a total dork, it’s a match made in heaven.”

“I don’t call people, except for you.”

“That’s because you have no social life,” Rose laughed. She was such a breeze, floating along in life, dabbling in this and that. Part of you wished you were like her, the other part was glad to be a small, pocket-sized persona that could easily fit in anywhere quietly, no fuss, no show. “I get it, huge deal, he’s a fucking rock star, but I mean, how bad can it get?”

“I suppose,” you trailed off. The two of you had reached the stairs that lead to the underground, where Rose took the tube back home.

“Be brave for me, okay?” She kissed your cheek. “Ta!”

“I hate you, for being so right,” you called out after her. She glanced back at you over her shoulder and winked.

“Love you too, sweetheart!” Then the tunnel swallowed her and you were left alone with your mess of thoughts.

You took deep breaths to calm yourself as you caught one of the famous bright red double deckers of London. Right, it’s just a phone call, you told yourself as you got off on your stop.

Memories of him standing at the steps to your apartment complex’s front door made your heart beat faster. What wouldn’t you give to see that again? How he perfectly fit into the scenery, though he was impossibly tall and almost funny-looking with his long hair and crooked smile.

Your door creaked as you pushed it open and took in your apartment. The dumpy old couch your brother had given you. The dusty old curtains your mother had sewn up. The bright red rotary phone on a stand next to the couch that you had saved up for, for months. You liked the way it reminded you to keep striving and soon you’d have an interior design to match it, not just sad hand-me downs.

You took your sweet time getting ready. You brewed a cup of tea in a banged up kettle whilst whistling a tune. You set in a vinyl and danced to the music whilst waiting for your cuppa to be done.

When you had a cup of Earl Grey’s steaming in your hands you took the needle off the vinyl and silence settled into your house. You sat down on the couch, cringing at the noise it made in the desolation of a poor neighbourhood at night, in London.

Slowly, but certainly, you rotated the number into the phone and picked it up and put it to your ear, anxiety twisting your insides.

The line was ringing. You bit your lip nervously and played with the telephone cord.

First ring.

What if Natalie was just messing with you? Were they all in on a collective prank and she’d described your lunch date to get a rise?

Second ring.

What if he intended it for another Y/N? And Nat had handed the post-it note to the wrong person? There was one other one, in another department, another building but still.

Third ring. The line clicked. “Hello?” His East-England accent sounded marvelous through the phone.

“Hi,” you choked out, voice gone out of nervousness. You cleared your throat before repeating. “Sorry, hi.”

“Hey,” he laughed nervously on the other end. “Sorry, who is this?”

“Oh right! It’s Y/N.”

“Y/N! I’m so glad you called!” His voice deepened just slightly as he realised he didn’t have to be on guard.

“And I have half the mind to ask you the same thing. You didn’t sign your note!” You scolded him playfully.

“Shit, I’m sorry! How’d you know then, to call me?”

“Took a chance. And asked our receptionist.”

“Clever girl,” he joked. Your smile was wide and though your heart was palpitating, you were beginning to calm down.

“I was actually really nervous to call you.” You started.

“But I’m the least intimidating person you could talk to.”

“Yeah but, you’re you. What’s a twenty-something rockstar doing talking to me?”

“You make me sound old. I’m twenty-two, twenty-three in a few weeks.”

You almost spat out your tea. You could’ve sworn he was older. In the end he was only two years older than you. “What?”

“Oh, come on, am I some grandpa to you?” He complained sourly.

You started giggling uncontrollably and you heard him sigh on the other end. Sometimes, you can hear it when people smile. You swore you could hear the right corner of his mouth twitch up and his eyes wrinkle as he listened to you laugh.

“Alright, alright, calm down.”

You sighed and suppressed a smile that was trying to spread on your face. If the nosy neighbours were to glance through their window they’d think you were mad. “So, actually, how are you?” You started.

“The same. Cheered up when you called.” There was clanging in the background and somebody laughed and another voice complained.

“Where are you? Do you have roommates?” You felt your cheeks burning.

“God no, I’m at the studio. We’re working on our next album.”

“You gave me the number to your studio and not your house?”

“They’re the same. I bought the telephone, only natural that it’s my number.”

“Right,” you laughed and rolled your eyes.

“John, who’re you talking to?” A high-pitched, scratchy voice interrupted. “Is she pretty?”

You heard the scuffle of somebody covering the receiver with their palm before you heard John’s faint voice. “How d’you know it’s a girl?”

“You’re grinning like an idiot. Is it that dancer? What’s her name?” Somebody tried sounding out different names very similar to yours whilst another person kept disagreeing and suggesting your actual name.

“She’s the one who interviewed us, remember? Y/N Y/L/N.” The more reasonable voice finished.

“John?” You whispered into the receiver.

“Right, sorry about that.” His voice returned sheepishly.

“No worries but, it’s like, what, 9pm?”

“Nine forty-six.”

“Right, it’s late, why are you still working?”

“They’re arguing over something. I want to make sure they agree on something good in the end.”

You shook your head. “You need your rest. Have you eaten today?”

“You don’t need to worry, Y/N.” There was a triumphant ha in the background when he said your name.

“But I want to. You worried for me too.”

“I suppose,” he paused and you could hear him tapping on his bass, which you assumed was sitting in his lap. It made a hollow, plastic sound. “But I’m fine. Thank you. I hope you’re fine too.”

“I am, thanks. We’re rehearsing Swan Lake.”

“I have no idea what that is, if I’m being honest,” he chuckled. “But I want to see you dance. When do I get to see you dance?”

You smiled softly, blood rushing to your cheeks. “Soon, I hope.”

There was a yell in the background as somebody rushed to John who tried to keep the phone out of their reach. “Fred, fuck off, no you’re not-”

There was a small, whispered row, before John was back on the other end. He sounded slightly grumpy and a bit breathless, as if he’d just been in a fight. “Do you want to teach us dancing?”

“What?”

“Freddie is dying to learn about ballet and he’s hellbent on you teaching us.”

You giggled and you heard John scoff slightly on the other end. He was an adorably witty and grumpy man. He had a way of always seeming like the world was out to get him, but that he was absolutely too determined to get his shit done to let it bother him.

“Sorry yeah, it’s a stupid idea,” he mumbled.

“No, no! I’d love to,” you replied fondly. “When’s the best time? I’m free every saturday. Usually.”

“Brilliant, darling,” you heard Freddie’s yell into the receiver and the sound of John smacking the back of his head. “Next saturday alright with you?”

“Mhm,” you nodded.

“Right then Freddie, back to singing,” John shooed him off. More cursing filled the background. ”You're really okay with this? We’re all a bunch of dunces. And we’ve got eight left feet.”

You laughed. ”You’re a dork, John Deacon. Of course I’ll come. And I’ll have fun too.”

”Brilliant.”

“What do your new songs sound like?”

“So far, pretty good. We’re about half-way through, we’ll push the album through for the winter.”

“Will I get a signed copy?”

“We’ll see,” he teased.

“You are a piece of work, John,” you rolled your eyes before listening to him chuckle on the other end. His laugh was slightly bark-y, but not in an uncomfortable way. It sounded full of joy, with a mischievous edge to it.

”I’m going to start heading off to bed,” you whispered, after a moment of silence.

”Alright, sleep well.”

”I hope you come to a good agreement.”

”We won’t, but thank you.”

”Goodnight, John.”

”Goodnight, Y/N.”

You put the phone back before screaming into your pillow. What had you gone and done? You lifted your face to stare at the clock hung on the wall, hearing it’s ticking go too slow as you heartbeat accelerated.

“Rose is going to freak out,” you muttered.

***

taglist: @fourmisfits @deakysgirl @im-happy-at-home @obsessedwithrogertaylor @itsametaphorbriansblog

#john deacon x reader #deacy x reader #deaky x reader #joe!john deacon #joe mazzello #joe!john x reader #bohemian rhapsody #john deacon #deacy #deaky #i rlly hated writing this chapter bc it's like 90% dialogue #which is fine but it's hard to write smoothly yknow #anyway please tell me what you thought!#i had a stressful week and i hope that i can get ch4 out way faster than this #apologies!!!!!!!!!#careful - jd

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cerastes · 5 years

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Completely aimless post in which I just talk about a plethora of things with no real goal other than that I felt like talking about it.

Martial arts are an art, end of the day, but one that is particularly difficult to be self-taught in. You really do need the instruction of someone, especially at first. If you have a solid base that was polished by a good master, then you can continue to improve yourself from there, but I think it’s exceedingly improbable for someone to be able to be truly self-taught as a martial artist. Just like with writing or drawing, there’s a difference between “good martial artist” and “good master”. Someone that is great at the arts might not be good at teaching them. Finding a good master, thus, is a task that should be viewed as it is under this lens. Likewise, you, as a student, can also be a good student or a bad student. A good master and a good student are a beautiful combination. Strive to be good, the rest will follow.

In a way I believe many people will understand it better: It’s incorrect to think of martial arts as active skills. ‘Martial Arts’ is a skill tree composed 80% of passive skills. You practice a punch or a kick or a clinch or a defensive maneuver not to do them consciously, you practice them so they become ingrained in your body language, so you react with them when they need to be used, and so you have the discipline to automatically know when they should be used. It is only in the highest levels of combat or when you are against someone of your level that mind games and the 3D chess games of “I’ll do this and that and this and that so they do this to which I respond with this but I should keep in mind they might do this at bullet point 3 so I’ll watch out for that and do this and that in that case instead” come into play, and they are thoughts that happen in a second, because they do not happen in words, they happen in motions you have ingrained in your body after laborious training. It’s why amateur martial artists tend to lose to street fighters but adept martial artists tend to wipe the floor with the same street fighters: Amateurs are still under the idea of “active skills” martial arts, whereas the adept simply does. Do, and the rest will follow.

It’s unhealthy to not realize and admit to your mistakes, but it is also unhealthy to never forgive yourself for them. Likewise, it is unhealthy to keep ‘friends’ that won’t let you forgive yourself, whether they make it manifest through words or simply through actions, subtle as they can get. It is a sad reality, but it is true. Avoid these friends. Make distance with them if they are not willing to let their own fears or grudge subside after you’ve proven you are not the you of yesterday. Don’t let them think you need to spend a lifetime atoning for once having been the you of yesterday. No one is, was, or will be flawless, but we can and should be better. Don’t let them not let you be better or feel better.

Years ago, I was immature due to my own bad experiences with some people that hurt me deeply and came to the conclusion that cutting people off was the right thing to do if they crossed you. Thinking back on it, it was me being afraid of being hurt again. I’ve long since moved on from this way of thinking, and I’ve embraced contact as the right way to handle things. However, as much as I regret the way I was, I decidedly do not regret cutting off the people I cut off, I simply regret the way in which I cut them off. The people I cut off are people I still do not want around me, and that I would’ve cut off anyways. What I regret is not talking to them and letting them know “hey, you’ve been shit to me, I really do not want to know you anymore,” because it’s unfair to wordlessly cut off someone, but it’s also unfair to subject yourself to more pain because supposed “friends” keep hurting you. I have apologized many times for being the way I was, but I will not apologize, not once, for the people I actually cut off. They are not all bad people, some of them are pretty decent, honestly, but they did me wrong, and not once or twice or thrice. Me cutting them off wordlessly wasn’t something I did after one tiny whoopsie, it was something I did after being wronged several times, and no one can say I didn’t give a bunch of these people chances, because I kept some around even after tons of fights and supposed ‘break ups’, forgiving them for their shit until I simply couldn’t take it anymore. What I’m trying to say here is that I’ve already paid my dues, I regret what I regret, and I acted bad, but that doesn’t mean I’m the bad guy and the other party was composed of poor wittle sunshines that were wronged by the big bad Dreamer. They had it fucking coming, and that’s all I have to say. If I have to feel like a perpetual villain around you because you happen to be friends with one of the people I cut off, then we might as well not be around together any longer, because fuck that noise. I am not saying your friend is a bad egg and you should consider your morality or the viper in your chicken coop or whatever, all I’m saying is that they wronged me pretty bad as well, and I don’t have to deal with your shitty ambivalence. You want to come to terms to this properly? Then fucking talk to me. Communication is the morale of the story, after all.

Yet, life seems to have a knack for having me, by chance or circumstance, be stuck with these people that feel this ambivalence for me for things I’ve already settled years ago. It’s getting really tiresome, and I do not have much patience left in me, years-long friends or not. Having to walk on egg shells because of their fears and/or over something long buried feels terrible, especially when the egg shells are from four-five years ago and everyone has moved on except these third parties.

It’s true that politics have different weights in the lives of different people: For some, it’s just a topic among many, and for others, it’s a matter of life or death. In that regard, I respect the decision to ignore the whole “I’m not going to lose friends over politics”: It is completely valid to part ways with someone over political ideas, for their abstract beliefs may mean concrete consequences for you. That said, I also respect the decision to want to part ways with someone for being too immersed in politics, because even though it may be their livelihood on the line there, perhaps you simply do not have the emotional energy to want to invest into a fight that’s not yours, when you already have your own fights. I personally am someone who doesn’t like politics getting in the way of friendship, but I’d also really rather you don’t turn everything into a political joke, either. It gets very exhausting for many reasons.

The ambivalence born from my love for neuroscience and my incredible distaste for memorization-heavy disciplines is something I think about every day. I love reading article after article of the fascinating new advances in neurosciences, but I cannot for the life of me sit down in front of a moldy textbook and memorize all of these names. It’s too boring. I like the part where we discover and experiment with cool new stuff, not the part where I learn what the name of the little bean-shaped thing behind the eye is.

I don’t think psychoanalysis is inherently a terrible form of therapy and that Freud should be dug up and shot again: I do not agree with most of what Freud said and I do not like psychoanalysis as a form of therapy, but it is true that Freud got the ball rolling for a lot of the future advances of psychology, arguably giving birth to the discipline in the first place, be that in the form of contributions to his theory or counterpoints to it. Whenever I see yet another post saying “SIGMUND FREUD ACTUALLY DID NOTHING FOR THE WORLD,” I simply chuckle, murmur “tumblr not knowing things again, I see,” and I carry on. What I hate about psychoanalysis, however, are the politics behind it. The moment you turn something that should be used first and foremost for the benefit of the people that need it, in this case mentally ill or afflicted people, and turn it into a game of power and influence for your own goals, is the moment you are inhuman garbage and should be removed as a psychologist. Suicide ratings are tragically high, mental health is still seen as a joke among many people, and you want to keep the hegemony of the “original form of analysis” just for the sake of tradition and your own benefit? Die. Really, just die. I don’t use this word seriously very often, but I really think you should die for the benefit of the world if you act this way. You are putting so many people in danger just because of your little game of politics. We are better off without you.

Final thought about psychoanalysis: If it works for some people, it works, and that’s great. The patient shouldn’t be molded for the technique, it is the technique that should be shaped to fit with the patient.

The video game difficulty dilemma is always... Annoying, to be honest, between people that miss the point and the sheer vehemence between both sides, it’s really hard to mediate, but aside from being annoying, it is also a genuinely fascinating topic. I love high difficulty, but I also love games being more accessible. End of the day, though, I think that the idea of bashing your head against a wall until you become skilled enough to surpass the challenge is a beautiful concept, so part of me really thinks that shouldn’t be changed when we specifically talk about FromSoft games. And it’s fine if that’s not your cup of tea! It really is, I’m not saying everyone should like this, but, well, it’s big part of their appeal and their “never give up” message, I don’t think it’s right to facilitate things, to be honest. There’s appeal in the “learn under hostile conditions” idea, after all, and I really don’t know how it is that you can keep that with facilitators. I’d be delighted if they can find a way, though, because I do want more accessibility and all. Hard topic. I immediately refuse to engage with people that see it as an “us vs them” topic, though, lol, I’m here about that constructive dialogue.

Writing is writing, roleplaying is roleplaying, and tabletop roleplaying is tabletop roleplaying. They encompass very different methodologies, I’ve come to learn. It’s pretty fascinating. I love writing walls of text, but tabletop roleplaying, I’ve come to appreciate as a fast and short form. Much like I’ve come to appreciate roleplaying, really. I don’t really do 21 paragraphs anymore, ever, haha. I’ve come to understand the beauty of rapid pacing in the last years. I think it’s pretty essential in a tabletop environment. My DnD group, for example, is composed of Busy People, myself included, and we can’t spare more than one day per week on it, so we try to make every minute of every session count. The verbal nature of it can’t be beat, and were I to DM a game on the net, I really think it would be ideal if we had voice chat to go with it. Though, I understand there would be other problems associated with that, but that’s another story.

Really wish I had more free time, I want to play Trails of so bad.

I fucking hate cooking, bwahaha, I cannot get myself to like it. I like the end result, but I hate the process. Still, I endure, because I like food the way I make it: For me.

Really miss sensei.

I can’t stand people that look at something somewhat dark and immediately dismiss it as ‘edgy’. Where’s your sense of style?

On the same token, though, grown ass people being unironically edgy is painful. “Don’t pretend you don’t want an unhealthy, sexy relationship” alright fam. Unhealthy dynamics aren’t the only way a relationship can be spicy, lol.

Wanna play some basketball.

It’s fucking autumn, baby, the sun has finally fucked off.

Winter palettes are still the best, and combinations of white, purple, turquoise, pink, and shades of green can’t be beat.

Wanna rewatch Shirobako.

I’m pretty fucking tired and short on patience towards numerous people for different reasons, the main definitely being that the thesis is fucking tiring, but I am overall having a good time and I am enjoying life.

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prettywordsyouleft · 5 years

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Boyfriend! Kim Jaehwan

Thank you for requesting this @hyukwonz! It’s been awhile since I’ve done a Boyfriend scenario, so let’s hope I can do this one justice! Jaehwan is such an interesting character, so let’s find out how he’d be as a boyfriend.

Please note: his Different Kisses was also requested and will be posted tomorrow. They will directly tie into this scenario.

Confessing:

Like most things in life for Jaehwan, if he wants something, he’s going to do his very best to get it. He noticed you on campus at the start of the first semester, charmed by how you stood out from the rest. He had learned you were an art student, and whilst you seemed much more reserved than he was, you definitely knew who you were as an individual and that attracted him. But you were aloof in behaviour when he tried to approach you, giving him short answers and polite smiles before departing quickly.

It took him some effort to actually get you alone enough to ask you out on a date, and even when he did, well, you seemed to have a lot of excuses. He wondered if you just weren’t all that interested in him.

That wasn’t the case at all. Jaehwan steadily became the muse for all your art, secretly drawing him in your sketchbook over and over at night when you couldn’t get him off your mind. Sometimes he’d end up within your projects too; his hands or his eyes captured by your pencil only becoming obvious when you finished. He was a distraction. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to date him, you really did. But you had made a promise to yourself that for the first year at university there would be no boys. You wanted to establish good grades and friendships but nothing more. You didn’t even know where you would have the time to date either with how busy your schedule each day was. Frankly, you over-thought the situation and that’s why you became flustered whenever Jaehwan would approach you, wanting to run and hide in case you blurted out how much you thought of him in an embarrassing way.

By the second semester, he backed off though. You heard from friends that Jaehwan had really liked someone and they had turned him down after all attempts. It made you feel guilty but you managed to continue through, chanting that you were here to get good grades in art, not kissing. When you also heard Jaehwan was planning one last attempt and would give up after this, it made you strangely hopeful. For the next two days, you floated around campus in a daze, waiting to see what Jaehwan was going to do next. When nothing happened though, you filled with dread. What if they hadn’t meant you? You tried to keep your head down and focus on your semester project and not on foolish daydreams of you painting whilst Jaehwan played his guitar.

It was actually the sound of a guitar that attracted you to the court the next day. He was strumming his guitar outside the art building too eagerly and had garnered a small crowd, enjoying the free show. When you stepped into the circle and he spotted you, there was more than just the guitar sounds. The crowd gasped when he started to sing, his love confession strongly delivered through the song.

It was obvious it was for you with the way he stared at you as he said each word, smiling a little when the crowd encouraged him on. And on the final line of the song, he mentioned your name, asking if you would finally accept his heart.

Of course, you did. I mean, you couldn’t let such an amazing performance go to waste in front of everyone, right? But on a serious note, you had been so touched by the song that all resolve you had to ban yourself from dating was all forgotten then.

Starting out:

Once you got over the initial worry about dating Jaehwan, it was surprisingly very easy to grow comfortable around him and his playful nature.

Physical affection started almost from the beginning too and soon you were that college couple that everyone wanted to hate but couldn’t because they were too envious at how in love you both were.

Lots of cuddles and sweet moments occurred when you were together, but it was evident he had a really quirky and fun side to him right away too.

Although his loudness took a little to get used to when you’re a quiet person by nature, you enjoyed the vibrancy and colour he added to your world and the encouragement to break out of the structured lifestyle you maintained was exciting.

You were both different from each other, and sure, sometimes it meant you had to work to understand each other more, overall it made your relationship interesting and worth all the added learning on how to work together.

Dating pros:

Everything is always exciting and interesting with Jaehwan. He adds an element of anticipation to everything you do together just with how hyped up he often is. It keeps you on your toes and you like this about him.

He’s comfortable, you know that even when he’s joking around he’s only doing it to have fun with you. This has taught you to relax and allow yourself to be whatever you want to be around him without judgement.

His goal in life is to see you smile and be happy and he fulfils this every day he is with you. There is no way you’re not happy when he’s around. Even if you’ve had a really bad day, Jaehwan knows how to turn it around and have you smiling in no time.

He’ll do anything for you. He might whine as he does it or tease you incessantly, but he’s never going to let you down when you need him.

And on that note, he’s very much so a tease to you all the time. He loves hearing you whine and begging him to stop, it’s something that makes him feel fulfilled when he’s got your full attention like that. He finds you the cutest when he’s teasing you and often diffuses it with lots of kisses.

He’s the ideal romantic underneath all that joking he does, he is the proper wine, dine and cherish you kind of guy. I mean, he confessed with a freaking love song! He is well in touch with his emotions.

His laughter is so loud and piercing yet it’s addictive and makes your energy levels rise with it.

Jaehwan is dedicated. He works hard at any goal he wants to achieve, in a methodical and admirable way. He constantly challenges himself to be a better person and partner, and you’ve noticed yourself influenced by his mannerisms, striving for your own goals with better precision than before.

This means you’re a very productive couple who speak often about any problems that arise and have solutions for them promptly. Communication is a huge part of your relationship, both through playful and serious moods, and you can understand each other very well now.

He knows when to be extra, but more importantly, Jaehwan is able to tell when he needs to tone it down, which is such an attractive feature to him. Get yourself a man who can do it all.

He has an odd sense of humour and in the beginning you didn’t understand it completely, but now you live for all his dumb jokes and get excited when you can give him one back.

He’s very affectionate and showers you in physical and emotional attention which you give back in equal amounts too.

Will happily pose for you whenever you need him to for your artwork and openly offers to be your nude model teasingly (which he’s done from the start and was the cause of many of your earlier blushing sessions until things got intimate).

Likewise, you understand his music is very important to him, and you support him by listening to his compositions, and helping him fine tune anything that’s not quite right to you.

Ending this here, he has the voice of an angel. How are you not blessed whenever he sings to you? Lullabies, ballads, upbeat bops, he is always singing and serenading you.

Dating cons:

Even though you love his happy bursts of energy, some days you are too tired/stressed for his antics, and it irks you when he can’t take anything serious (even though he’s very capable at doing so). He’ll tone it down immediately when he notices your mood, but sometimes it’s a bit too late for you.

His laughter is amazing, but it’s also very loud. In fact, he’s just loud by nature. On days when you need to think, he’s not the first choice of person you choose to be around.

He sometimes pushes himself too hard when striving for his goals. He can easily get wound up and self-critical and whilst he has a great determination to get to the other side, he can often get so invested that his focus on you or your relationship can be pushed aside to cater for this greater need he has to improve/meet his deadline. Whilst you understand this as a fellow artist always striving for further realism and creativity from yourself, you wished he would sit back a little and enjoy the process, instead of rushing through.

Since becoming an idol, he’s naturally been a lot more invested with his work, and it was hard to deal with in the beginning since you started dating before his big break. You knew his determination would always make him succeed with his dreams but it was definitely hard on you both to adjust to his idol life.

He’s domestically challenged and very lazy. It’s ironic how lazy he is when it comes to how driven he is, but he prioritises things very differently from some people and being clean or doing chores is not something he puts high on his list. If you ask him to do something, he’ll try so A+ for effort, but his actual efforts aren’t worth praising and you’ve just naturally adapted to doing all the cooking and cleaning for proficiency.

When arguing, he’s petty and easily wound up which makes you defensive. Fighting can be loud and dramatic.

He’s clumsy, but so are the best kind of people in life (aka me). So you know to have the first aid kit well stocked and heaps of healing kisses on standby!

Intimacy:

Jaehwan is a passionate lover and knows what he wants from his partner.

He’s always been very strong with his PDA from the beginning and to this day he showers you in his attention no matter where you both are. He’ll also expect it back, and whine if you don’t offer it up right away.

Forehead kisses and back hugs!!

Always touching you, no matter where you are, he has to have a hand on you at all times, a constant connection is important to him.

Loves days where all you do is snuggle up together and eat good food (cooked by you or take outs because you’ll never let him in the kitchen again after he almost burned it down that one time).

Because he’s naturally affectionate, kisses happen often and so does making out. You can read more about his kisses in the link in the reblog (coming soon).

Making out with Jaehwan is where things get easily worked up so you have a pretty active sex life.

He likes to be in control and hear you beg.

A needy lover, Jaehwan wants to make sure all his wants are met whilst meeting all yours as well.

Not so much of a slow and sensual guy but he can make that happen if you want it.

Prefers making love with you in a way that is loud and active. Definitely vocal in bed and knows how to have you singing out all night long, if you get what I mean.

Morning sex is his favourite and because he’s naturally a tease, he’ll often wake you up with his hands and lips as opposed to anything endearing and soft.

Long and arduous sex sessions are a must after being away from you for too long.

Aftercare is somewhat lazy but he has a way of looking at you as if you are a piece of artwork.

And to him, you are the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen so he’d definitely admire you in that satisfied glow you feel after sex and tell you just how much he loves you until you fall asleep together.

Dating Jaehwan is lively and full of the unexpected. Even from the start, you anticipated what he would do with you, and nothing has changed there. Although you know each other well, you know he’ll continue to keep you guessing for the rest of your lives and that’s part of the reason you love him so much. Even though you are complete opposites, you definitely attract endless love and excitement from each other.

____________________

I accept requests on other idols for the Boyfriend! series whenever my requests are open! To check to see if I’ve written your bias already, check the reblog or my bio for the Boyfriend! Masterlist and my Main Masterlist.

#kim jaehwan #jaehwan #wanna one #wannaonenetwork #wanna one imagines #wanna one scenarios #kim jaehwan imagines #kim jaehwan scenarios #boyfriend! kim jaehwan #pwyl; boyfriend! series #prettywordsyouleft requested

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okimargarvez · 5 years

Text

LADY IN MISTRESS

Original title: Lady in mistress.

Prompt: Luke and Penelope watching an action movie.

Warning: none.

Genre: comedy, romantic.

Characters: Penelope Garcia, Luke Alvez.

Pairing: Garvez.

Note: oneshot, part 365 Garvez canon Life.

Legend: 💑😘.

Song mentioned: none.

GARVEZ STORIES

LADY IN MISTRESS

A snort. Another one. So the blanket that is literally torn from his body and ends on the ground. The cold that is wrapped him. Man remains a moment paralyzed, unable to understand what has just happened. Even though they were watching an action movie, one of those films that he should like more than his girlfriend... he was almost falling asleep. The warmth given by the proximity of their bodies and the continuous massage of her hand between his hair and ears...

-It's so annoying.- she pushes him away and puts her arms folded. Then she snorts again, like a speeding locomotive. The metaphor makes him laugh, but he doesn't dare. Penelope still seems to read his mind and glares at him.

He rubs his eyes, feeling his pupils dry, even if he doesn't wearing contact lenses. -What?- gradually he recovers his mental faculties.

She looks up at the sky, as if he had asked a stupid question, as if the answer would too obvious, to be worthy of getting feedback. -This movie. Why does it always have to be the girl, better still if blonde, the one who is kidnapped?- of course every reference is completely coincidental. Luke manages to sit up with great effort.

-It's just a stupid movie.- first mistake often committed by the males towards the girlfriends: underestimation of the Problem, to be written necessarily with the capital "P", to make the idea of the immense variety that this category can include.

In fact, Penelope glares at him, but above all, with a clever move takes possession of the remote control and, generously, simply pauses live tv. But now she holds the scepter of contemporary power between her enchanting and delightful fingers and can decide the continuation of the entire evening. -No, it's how the real world works.- in her tone of voice there is more than a shadow of sadness. -Do you want to tell me that you never imagined being able to save me, thus obtaining my eternal gratitude and not only?- but she is the first one who tries to drive it away, makes a joke with mischievous nuances.

-Hit and sunk.- Luke replies, with the usual nautical way of saying.

-You see, you're a sexist, like the others.- the man grabs the pillow that hit him in the head and decides not to return the favor.

-No, don't turn me into someone I'm not.- now they're both serious. Penelope bites her lips. -Most women I know are more badass than men.- he tilts slightly and takes her hands. She allows him. -Blonde, black, red, brunette. I would never put myself against JJ, Emily or Tara.- she barely holds a smile.

-And against me?- she whispers.

Luke goes back up to grab her wrist, delicate but firm, and catapulted her into his arms. -Baby, you know that when we argue I can't even breathe.- and his heart beats hard, almost to confirm his words, and that of her imitates his, then misses a beat, and it hurts, but it doesn't matter. She puts her head on her chest and shakes her head gently, while her hair frames her face like a aureole.

-You are still the same.- she always tells it to him, but she would never want that Luke stops shooting out sentences like that, crazy, absurd.

He, who barely seemed able to say a simple -I love you-. Perhaps because it was never simple for him. -No, it's the truth.- he bows his head and she raises her chin, without either of them having added anything else, they understand each other so easy, they walk one in the other direction and meet in the middle. This means true connection. The lips come together in a passionate and ravenous kiss. -Shit, at least a year ago I would have tried to pretend that it was not so. But now I don't care about looking like...- she interrupts him, while the visual contact remains fixed.

-What, a man in love with his girlfriend?- no one blinks. Her glasses lenses fog up. -What shameful!- and she moves away, just a little, as much as the male arm allow her.

And his hands start to wander along her ribs, they seem to count them one by one, up and down their hips, and the damn tension for something that feels deeply unfair, vanishes. At the same time Luke's sinful mouth takes care of the upper part of her neck, leaving kisses on her shoulders, on her clavicles and tearing out from her more than a sigh. -So, you don't think I deserve a reward?- he whispers in her ear. He learned to nibble almost as much as she did, after all he had the best teacher.

Penelope strives to remain lucid. -You always go there.- but it's something above her resources. Not when he engages in this way.

Still, the man decides to grant her a truce. -Naaa.- he giggles, satisfied with himself. -I'm just slightly obsessed with your lips, your body, your eyes, your legs, your breasts and your butt.- and she doesn't feel objectified by his description.

She takes three long breaths before speaking. -And I should be glad you mentioned my mouth and my eyes first, right?- she looks for eye contact.

He nods vigorously, with too much emphasis. -Absolutely. And I forgot to talk about your hair.- he wraps one or more strands around the fingers and slowly brings their faces closer together.

Penelope decides to torture him a little longer. Ok, they've been together for a year, but it scares her how much power he has on her. -Stop that. You know that if someone would kidnap me I could manage to save myself, without anyone help. While you'll make yourself crazy, with the whole team. No triumphal entry or you untie me, freeing me from the chair and taking off the gag. And even nothing exit like in the movies, with me in your arms while I declare to you my eternal gratitude making sexual promises.- he sees the whole scene as if it were real and shudders. Provocations aside, he doesn't even want to think about such an eventuality. More than going crazy with fear, he would die.

It is obliged to respond with the same tone. -Too bad. You always have to ruin all my fantasies.- she laughs.

-Why you should fantasize when you can do it serious? - this time are her hands that crawl all over him, it is she who rubs against him, with precise and always perfect gestures.

-You're keeping on teasing me. You want to delude me, make me mad, and then pull back to the last to leave me filled with desire, and then I have to handle it on my own.- she pretends indignant.

-What you say! When have I ever done something like this?- and she makes her best innocent expression, pure and chaste, like an angel.

-Penelope... don't challenge the sleeping dog...- the tension between them is tangible.

-I don't think it's right.- she continues to needle him.

-I don't care. Woman, you're about to be kidnapped. Prepared to fight, because I will not be as gentle as usual.- the hoarse voice, the fire in his eyes.

The feet that kick into the void. -Uh, wow, should I be excited?-

TAGS: @theshamelessmanatee @arses21434 @kathy5654 @martinab26 @reidskitty13 @jenf42 @gracieeelizabeth27 @silviajajaja @smalliemichelle99 @charchampagne14 @thinitta @myhollyhanna23 @garvezz @mercedes-maldonado @shyladystudentfan

#garvez #penelope garcia #criminal minds #luke alvez #cm #penelope x luke #luke x penelope #garcia x alvez #alvez x garcia

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as-the-doctor-ordered · 5 years

Text

@pragmatic-purple

-x-x-

Mika slowly approached the door to Pur’s quarters, fidgeting anxiously and antennae vibrating in excitement above his head. He and the Tallest had finally agreed to dinner--after only a few years of one-sided flirting and missed and misunderstood messages.

The doctor stood silently at the door without knocking for a solid ten minutes before he built up the nerve to do so. He was wearing his dress robes; nicer, even, than he had worn to the party. Sunset orange and golden yellow, accented with the perfect amount of black to make the colours pop, paired with high heeled boots and waist cinched tightly with a laced belt. It wasn’t the most comfortable, but he wanted to look his very best for what Tallers Dib and Zim referred to as their ‘first date’.

Taking a deep breath, the little Irken rapped his knuckles on the door and stepped back.

The Tallest had spent the last several hours trying on robes, checking his reflection and then tugging the robes back off, creating a rather large pile of discarded clothing on the floor of his closet. Eventually he was able to settle on some, they were high collared and royal purple, offset with silver and a pair of his fancier gauntlets that he typically saved for political affairs rather than the fairly used and beat up and modified ones he wore in a daily basis. He had never really been one to care much about his appearance. All if his robes were beautiful, artisanally crafted. Typically he did not even really look after he chose a random pair.

But tonight was different.

At the knock on his door he practically jogged over to answer it. He paused for just a moment to shake off the nerves. He opened it and grinned widely at the Irk before stepping out of his room and shutting the door behind him. He offered an arm a little nervously and said, “You look wonderful.”

Mika chittered happily as Pur answered the door, looking the Tallest up and down a couple of times before he really realized he had been spoken to. He flushed, gently taking the arm offered to him and giving Pur a small smile.

“Oh. Thank you, my Tallest. You look incredible, yourself--as usual.”

The doctor wasn’t entirely sure what to expect from their dinner, or what exactly Pur had planned for tonight. The uncertainty only fueled his own nervousness, but he also couldn’t deny how very excited he was for it.

As they walked the Tallest glanced down and gave the boy a soft smile. He was always so incredibly formal. It was endearing in many ways, but he asked quietly, “Mika, would you be open to maybe… maybe not referring to me as ‘Tallest’ this evening? Purple is fine. Pur is even better.”

He brought his free hand up, laying it over the boy's which rested on his gauntlet and added, “It is fine if you must use the title for your own comfort, but you are welcome to use more familiar terms.”

The doctor’s flush only deepened at Pur’s request. It was true--he couldn’t remember a single occasion where he had actually used Pur’s name, aside from in reference to ‘the Almighty Tallest Purple’. He gave a nervous half-shrug of his shoulders, smiling anxiously.

“Ah, yes. I can see how that may be unnecessary concerning our current activity--” Mika cringed. Again, formalities. It was difficult for him to break out of that professional tone, even with those he might call ‘friends’ now. “Of course, Pur. Whatever is more comfortable for you, of course.”

The smaller Irken, now risen a few inches with his heels, which he found to be unnecessarily pinchy for he normally wore comfortable boots to stand all day in, paused again before adding softly and cautiously, “Would you mind telling me what you have planned for us this evening, my--ahm. Pur?”

Truthfully when he had made this arrangement his legitimate plans were just dinner that was it. But he had been cornered by his brother and both of other Tallest's mates and grilled about the plan for the evening, chastised a bit for his lack of planning. His brother had said firmly that ‘any Irk can take him out for dinner. You are a Tallest. Where is the razzmatazz?’ and then he was promptly sat down to come up with something ‘a touch better than dinner.’

He offered the Irk a smile and offered vaguely, “You will see soon enough. I would hate to ruin the surprise.”

Pur continued to guide Mika throughout the ship, passing right by his dining room and instead heading far further into his wing of The Massive, finally pausing outside a fairly nondescript door, which he pulled open to reveal his personal holodeck.

The room had already been converted into a scene, a table laid out with food sat in the center of the room which looked as if it were a clear bubble, a vast ocean stretched out in every direction around them. They appeared to be in some kind of reef, surrounded by brightly colored anemones and corals, all of which were teeming with life.

He gestured for the boy to step in ahead of him and asked with curiosity, “Do you like it?” He left out the part where he had been coding for three days to make it happen.

Mika was, at first, confused when they walked right past Pur’s dining room, even going so far as to watch the door as they passed before looking up at the Tallest with a puzzled expression.

However, as he opened a different door, he understood completely. Slowly, the doctor tugged his arm from Pur’s grip to step into the holodeck as physically instructed with his mouth open and eyes wide, surveying the room in wonder.

It was stunning. Ocean scenes had always been his favourite, and he’d not had many opportunities to see the oceans up close or experience them. He wasn’t sure which planet this was from, but it didn’t matter. The Tallest had made him something very, very special.

He turned to Pur with the same shocked wonderment. “My Tallest--Pur. This is… I love it.”

“I'm glad,” he mused quietly. He was not entirely sure what else to say and found that his nerves were creeping back up on him. He found himself scrutinizing the small flaws in the hologram, which he was certain would likely be unseen by any but himself - but he could not help but worry that Mika would notice them, that the spell would be broken.

He took a deep breath to try to dispel the thought and moved to pull out a chair for the smaller, “Are you hungry, Mika?”

While it was true that Mika would be unable to spot any flaws in Pur’s hologram, truthfully he was more dazzled by the gesture itself than of the beauty of the false ocean and reefs surrounding them.

The doctor nodded lightly in response to Pur’s question, gently tucking himself into the chair that the Tallest had pulled out for him. “Yes,” he muttered quietly, “Thank you.”

The Tallest pushed the chair in and took a seat beside the smaller Irken, glancing at the food and admitting, “I… I did not know what kinds of foods you liked. So, I guessed.”

A small smile tugged at his lips and he nodded toward one plate covered in fruit tarts and added, “But I did see once that you had some of those in your lunch… which I interrupted you in eating because I twisted my ankle.”

Mika couldn’t help but to giggle at the memory. “Oh, so you do notice things, my Tallest,” he muttered, trying his hand at a joke and hoping it wouldn’t be completely misplaced. He looked up from the plate to smile warmly at the other. Really, it was touching.

“Yes, actually. They are a favourite. I like to bring things that give me joy, particularly for more strenuous work days,” he paused for a moment before adding quickly, “Not that you gave that day any added trouble, of course.”

The Tallest chuckled and chose to not bring attention to the slip back to his title. Instead he tilted his head to the side and mused, “On occasion I am able to be observant. Just not when it comes to someone flirting with me for years apparently.”

He poured each of them a glass of wine and handed one over to the smaller before adding, “And of course I added trouble to your workload. I am likely the clumsiest and most frequent of your patients. Though I suppose that the work itself is a bit more critical when the others come in. They do tend to hurt themselves in far more splendid fashion.”

Mika giggled again, choosing to now actually pick up his silverware and actually begin eating the meal that Pur had provided for them. He was unsurprised that the dishes Pur had chosen for them today were far more delectable than he would normally have, and he couldn’t stop the pleased hum from rising in his chest.

“You are simply distracted, Pur,” the doctor said, flashing a bright smile to the Tallest, “And I was always willing to take any excuse have you in my wing. Although, perhaps in the future, we can do so whilst avoiding any unnecessary accidents or bodily harm.”

The Tallest did not begin to eat, he instead sipped at his glass of wine and listened to the other speak. He gave a chuckle at his final comment and mused back, “I am already in your wing more days than not and I doubt I am going to become any more graceful any time soon. However, I will strive to make more visits purely social.”

Mika purred lightly, placing down his fork and lifting his own wine to his lips, sipping silently. He was still nervous, his spooch a-flutter. The scenery, the meal, how wonderful Pur looked and how sweet he was.

“I almost came looking for you again, at the party,” Mika murmured the admission, blushing, “Dib's friend, the other Dib. He offered to go with me to find you. To tell you outright how I had felt.” He laughed softly, “But I am thinking I like what happened between us far more. More our speed, yes?”

“It is funny to me that saying ‘the other Dib’ does not actually narrow it down all that much. But, yes. I agree that the way it happened is probably for the best.” The Tallest took another sip from his glass and raised a brow at the other Irk and asked with genuine curiosity, “How long have you felt this way? About me, that is.”

Mika could have choked on his wine at the question, but he carefully swallowed his small mouthful and delicately placed his glass back on the table, turning slightly to look at Pur, his cheeks golden.

“Oh, Pur. I have been working for you for some time now, haven't I? Since then, at least, my first day. You and Tallest Red led me personally to the wing I now call home. Fresh out of the academy and blessed with this position. You placed your hand on my shoulder as you led me through the door. You had armour on rather than your robes you usually wear these days.”

The doctor turned, then, to look out at the corals and the fish that swam by and between them. “But, oh. I had longed for you for some time prior to completion of my studies.”

Pur flushed deeply at the admission. He imagined that it was likely that the Irk had some kind of celebrity crush on him, being a Tallest tended to come with those sorts of things. Not for the first time the subtle worry that it was the title and not the Irk that was the attractive part of this arrangement fluttered up in his spooch and he pushed it down by taking another drink.

He set the glass down, toying the rim with the tip of one of his fingers as Mika looked out at the illusion he had created for him, the realization that perhaps he had managed to create an illusion for himself sinking in, “I would have thought that actually meeting me would have dispelled some of that. I can't imagine that I am much like the reputation that was spread of me in your Academy days.”

Mika turned again to Pur, his eyes the warmth of a ripe tangerine. “Oh, Pur. You’re so little like your reputation,” he said softly, placing a hand gently on one of the Tallest’s gauntlets.

He remembered so vividly the stories he’d heard, the type of Irk that Pur displayed himself as whenever they were televised, the way he and Red played so well off each other. Pur was still, as ever, the more fun one, softer-spirited, technologically inclined. What was missing from rumours, interviews, video feeds--the kindness. The warmth. The honest interest in others.

That, and he was way nerdier in person. “You are far less than I could have imagined,” with a wide grin he added, “And yet… so, so much more.”

Pur's brow furrowed, unsure of exactly how to take the comment. He was so much less than his reputation? He was unsure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Mika did not seem disappointed, rather he seemed infatuated, full of admiration. And yet he could not help but to worry.

He looked up at the smaller Irk with an always kind smile, “I do hope that I have not disappointed based off of what your expectations were…”

Mika turned fully now, obliging himself to take Pur’s hand in both of his own far smaller ones as his expression softened. “You have not disappointed me in the slightest. Please, don’t misunderstand. You offered me kindnesses few of my peers ever gave. What I am saying, is that from the first day we really met, I knew you were so little like what rumour and video feeds have portrayed you as. The Almighty Tallests, one Brash and one Brilliant, malevolent rulers of the Empire. That is not you.”

The doctor stopped, only briefly, to take a breath and to look down at the hand in his own. “What began as a schoolboy crush on an unobtainable celebrity turned into so much more.”

Pur turned his hand over allowing the smaller's to fit snugly in his palm and he brushed his thumb against Mika's knuckles and gave him a soft smile, “I suppose that being less than malevolent is not all that terrible of a reality. But I have not always been kind either. As a young Tallest my brother and I did and ordered truly terrible things. It was not until much later that I came to realize that it was not who I wanted to be.”

He let out a soft sigh and added, “But perhaps that unpleasantness is best left for a later time. Tell me more of you. You have me at quite the disadvantage as far as personal knowledge goes.”

Mika frowned up at Pur. His antennae drooped slightly, suddenly worried he’d soured their date. Perhaps he’d said the wrong thing? With a shaky breath, he nodded, returning his gaze to Pur’s hand.

“Sure. I am not sure what there is I could say that is very interesting, however. From a smeet I have been pushed in one direction, to be a doctor. I am very lucky that I quite love the work I do, and loved my time in the academy. I also seemed to have a natural skill for it.” He hummed softly as he thought for a moment, and continued, “We each did a field medical term. We did not get to pick where we went for it. We were warring quite heavily with many planets at the time. I was never sure if it was simply a lack of doctors on the field and needing more or if it was actually meant to be a training opportunity.”

Mika chuckles softly, nearly fondly at the memory. “I almost lost my medi-license two years in. Was almost sent for recoding. I could not help but to provide aid to those who were not ours.”

Pur listened intently as the smaller spoke and he knew that in truth the reason that students were sent to the war zones was due to the fact that they were thought to be more expendable than those who were fully trained. It was a decision made to keep fully trained doctors on Irk and aboard The Massive while giving the Invaders some semblance of peace knowing that they had relief on the field. The memory made his spooch twist.

He pushed it aside and asked, “How did you avoid being recoded? It seems that in those days that would have been quite the infringement of your rank. Not that I am disappointed that you wound up where you did, merely curious.”

Mika shrugged lightly. “I was being hauled off the field--I had been doing a rush surgery to a young boy who had been caught in the line of fire--to be taken to recoding when the Taller on site was shot point-blank. I almost saved him, too, but it was too dangerous. My squad had to drag me out of the field back to the bunker. Nobody spoke of it since, nor my recoding. Kept my medi-license, but I was flown back to the academy no more than a week later.”

Pur’s eyes widened at the admission. He had never personally seen much of the battlefield, aside from what he got to witness as Red's point of contact in the command center. He had never really been built to fight. He could not imagine the stress of not only experiencing it first hand but also having to try to perform medical duties while battle raged around you.

He smiled softly, “Well, I shall not complain in the slightest that you were not recoded. I have quite enjoyed having you aboard The Massive. You have been an excellent doctor and friend.”

Mika smiled brightly up at Pur. He was never the one to let his past get in the way of his future, especially not in the way of the present. There was too much to be grateful for, too much good.

They weren’t the happiest memories to relive, and Mika preferred to spend as much time as possible feeling joyful.

“Thank you, Pur. I am glad as well. Were I recoded, I would not be here, enjoying this meal and this beautiful scenery you prepared for us. But let us not dwell on the past, yes?”

The Tallest nodded and agreed, “Yes. I prefer to live more in the present and in the future.”

The truth of the matter was that the past tended to make him incredibly depressed. He would rather have the anxiety of the unknown ahead of him. At least he could channel that anxiety into useful and productive energy. He tilted his head to the side and asked, “What are your hopes for the future? Do you have any big plans?”

Mika laughed lightly, daintily picking up one of the tarts with his fingers and taking a small bite, savouring the sweetness of the cream and fruit on his tongue. “I am the personal doctor for the Tallests and Tallers Dib and Zim. I am the lead medic on the entirety of the Massive. I am not sure there is any more I can aspire to,” he shrugged a little. It wasn’t a boast, not by any means.

“I work away at my sculptures in my personal time. Or I read, now that Taller Dib has brought so many of those fascinating novels onto the ship. I do not have any big plans.” He turns to Pur, then, with another delicate bite of the tart, expecting the same answer, although he still asks, “And what of you? Any big plans, Pur?”

The Tallest listened with a grin. It was true that in his given field, Mika had sort of hit the jackpot. There was not much more of a ladder for him to climb. When the question was directed back at him he offered a smile, “We are reshaping the whole of the Empire. Making plans for peace and prosperity. Creating alliances and disbanding our presence where it is unwanted. I have many big plans.”

He glanced at the coral reefs and added with a wistful smile, “The most impressive and biggest of which I cannot even share for your own safety. But I imagine that you will know if they are successful.”

Mika purred softly. It was true that he hadn't known Pur in his youth, but this was what he had come to love most about the Tallest. He knew that Red got most of the “credit”, or perhaps blame to some, concerning the recent revolutions. Simply put, it was because he was the louder of the two, really.

Peace and prosperity. “It sounds like a dream,” he muttered, finishing off the tart in his hand before leaning into his chair slightly. “I have faith, Pur, that whatever it is, it will be accomplished with success and prowess if you are a part of it.”

He eyed the Tallest for a moment, another flush rising to his cheeks as he risks a flirt, knowing that many had been so easily missed before, “So are you just not hungry, or have I made you nervous?”

Pur flushed lightly, having been called out on his lack of appetite. He looked to the smaller and replied with a chuckle, “It is definitely nerves, if I am being entirely honest. Truth be told, I have never had a romantic dinner with anyone before. All of this is new to me.”

Mika offered the Tallest an affectionate smile, again placing his hand on Pur's gauntlet and gripping him lightly, as if he thought the other could feel through it. “It is okay, Pur. I have not done much better regarding romantic endeavours. I do not mean to make you nervous.”

The Tallest let out a soft sigh, still smiling mindly at the other as he mused, “All of the best things in life should make an individual at least a little nervous. It is the feeling of anticipation before a leap of faith.”

He shrugged and added quietly, “If I wasn't nervous I would question whether or not I really wanted this.”

“That is a fair assessment,” Mika agreed, still looking up at Pur. He was nervous, too, of course. The two of them always seemed to be nervous wrecks around each other--at least, he knew that he was a nervous wreck around Pur, and had been for many years.

It may be time to create some comfort.

Leaning up--in fact, having to rise slightly out of his seat, unhappily so at the pinch of his shoes once more--he pressed his lips gently to the corner of the Tallest’s mouth. Close enough, it’d do; he was still too nervous to kiss the other fully. Baby steps.

The Tallest felt the blush rising in his cheeks from the moment that Mika lifted himself from his chair. He saw the kiss coming long before it happened and made no move to stop it. Instead he purred softly at the press of the Irk's cool lips on his skin.

Pur turned his head slightly, enough to return the gentle and chaste kiss, barely catching Mika's lips. He tried not to think about the fact that his cheeks were likely flushed to the point they matched his deeply colored eyes and robes as he pulled back slightly to look at the other Irk, his antennae twitching nervously.

Mika continued to half stand for a few moments before rising completely--a rare occasion, like the party, where he stood taller than Pur.

“If we let our nerves get the better of us, we will go nowhere,” he muttered, his voice soft but warm. He was blushing, too, but found Pur's far more stunning. Pur was so much more anxious than he was, which generally is unexpected. However, he realized, standing over the Tallest that, he felt he had no time to be a bundle of nerves. There was too much to be happy about, and this date? Certainly one of them.

He leaned down, then, kissing Pur more fully, sliding his hands up to rest gently on the front of the Tallest's shoulders, almost to his chest, his hands too small to really hold quite properly, letting out a soft hum as he did so. His own antennae vibrated gently, tilted forward just slightly.

As Mika leaned over him, catching his lips in an actual kiss, his first actual kiss, the Tallest could not help but stiffen slightly at first. The nerves lasted only a few moments and then he relaxed into the affection, bringing one hand up to cup the little Irk's jaw as he pressed forward a bit to show that the advance was welcome.

Pur's antennae perked, leaning forward to graze against the smaller's as the Tallest purred softly into the kiss.

The doctor couldn't help but purr as well, stepping a little closer into Pur's personal space as he deepened their kiss just a little.

Mika shivered at the feeling of the Tallest's antenna against his own, and he couldn't help but to pull back just slightly with a tiny gasp--more an inhale of breath--before leaning in again, balling the fabric of Pur's robes in his little hands loosely.

The Tallest felt his nerves diminishing at the affection, his brain which was practically always running a million miles a minute quieting as he felt the Irk's hands on him and savoured the sugar sweet kiss.

He did not really think about the action before he did it, reaching out his free hand and wrapping it around the doctor's waist and pulling him into his lap. His other hand slipped from Mika's jaw to the back of his neck where his sharp claws grazed gently over the smooth emerald skin as he deepened the kiss with a soft purr.

Mika slipped without complaint nor resistance into the Tallest's lap, shimmying as close as he could to the other and his antenna still brushing against the other's.

The smaller Irken chirped into the kiss at the feeling of Pur's claws on his skin, in turn gripping his robes a little tighter. He pulled back from the kiss just slightly, hardly even enough to breathe, to gaze half-lidded at the other. “P-Pur?” He murmured softly.

The Tallest took the moment of separation to catch his breath, but he opened his eyes at the sound of Mika's voice stuttering his name. The nerves began to creep back up on him now that he had a moment to actually process their position. Familiar feelings of worry crept up on him as he replied quietly, “Is something wrong?”

“N-no!” Mika assured softly, the flush in his cheeks deepening, acutely aware of the warmth it brought to his naturally cool skin. “Not at all. I simply wonder if--perhaps at the dinner table is, maybe, not the most appropriate place…?”

His voice was quiet as he spoke, certainly not intending to worry nor offend, and very much enjoying the atmosphere of the corals around them. He would not complain would the Tallest prefer to stay in his personal holodeck, but seated at a chair by the table certainly couldn't have been the most comfortable for him.

The Tallest tilted his head to the side slightly as the smaller spoke, his antennae drooping slightly as he took a moment to look around at their surroundings. When he looked back to the other Irk he asked quietly, “Where do you feel would be appropriate?”

Mika could not help but frown as Pur's antennae drooped away from him. He leaned back slightly, to take in the Tallest's features and raise a hand to caress his jaw in reassurance. “Perhaps we could retire for a drink?”

The doctor offered the suggestion gently, and while he wanted to take in the beauty of the seascape surrounding them a little more, he didn't want to take his eyes from the other, watching to ensure he hadn't offended or disappointed the other in some way.

The Tallest worried his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment at the suggestion. There were still many worries and doubts swirling through his mind. Uncertainty of the truth of the doctor's feelings, uncertainty of his own abilities to be a mate to anyone, should those feelings prove to be true and they headed down that path, and the ever present fear that he may disappoint.

Would it be kinder to stop this before it progressed too far? End it before he had the chance to shatter the image that Mika currently held of him? Allowing this to go any further almost guaranteed that one of them was bound to be hurt.

But Pur did not have it in him to push the smaller away, instead he pressed into the soft touch of the boy's fingers on his jaw and replied softly, “Anything you want, Mika.”

“I want you, Pur,” Mika responded, shifting forward slightly in the other's lap to press a soft kiss to his forehead. “And if you are not comfortable with that yet, we do not have to. We can stay here, in this beautiful scene you have made for me, and we can talk.” As if to affirm his statement, he gently stroked the pad of his thumb along the soft skin of Pur's cheek.

Pur looked up at the press of Mika's lips on his brow, trying to steel himself against the nerves fluttering about in his spooch. He gave the boy a soft smile as he pulled away and stroked the Tallest's cheek. All he could do was to take him at face value. To move forward trusting that Mika was being entirely candid with him. He knew immediately that he would give the doctor anything that he wanted. He could fall hard for him, this sweet Irk with eyes like a solar flare. If it turned out he was wrong.. well, he would rather be the one to be hurt anyway.

The Tallest smiled softly and replied, “A drink sounds lovely. We can retire to my lounge, if you would like. I have a bottle of blueberry wine from Earth that Dib gifted to me. We could try it together.”

Mika chittered softly at the suggestion, giving one final kiss to the Tallest's forehead before slipping from his lap and holding out a hand to help him up, as well. “I think that sounds very lovely. I would enjoy that very much.”

The Tallest took the Irk's hand, even though he did not really need the help to rise to his feet. Once standing he adjusted his hand tentatively to intertwine his fingers with Mika's as he turned for the door. He paused for just a moment to steal a cookie from the table which he popped into his mouth in the way out the door. He had always been unable to resist the siren call of cookies, regardless if he felt more nervous than he had ever been in his entire life.

Which was actually fairly impressive. He was more nervous now than he had been the first time he had been presented to the brains. Fresh out of his internship for biomechanical study and to be recoded as Tallest. But he would rather face the brains a hundred hines than deal with this feeling like fluttering bugs waging war in his chest.

As they stepped into the hallway the Tallest swallowed thickly and mused, “My lounge is not totally put together at the moment. Certainly not as elegant as my brother's. I have a lot of half done projects laying about. More so than usual, but the seating area is nice and relatively clear. I hope you will pardon my general lack of organization.”

Mika could sense the nerves wafting from the Tallest, bittering his natural maple scent. He tightened the grip of his hand slightly, really only just realizing now how much more comfortable he was than the other.

He gave the Tallest a warm smile, eyes bright. “I am certain it is wonderful, Pur,” he'd have to get used to using his name over his title, “and all the more you, anyhow.” He was, after all, going with Pur to his lounge, certainly not the other Tallest's, who he had always been far more scared of than in any way attracted to.

Pur gave a soft chuckle and a one shouldered shrug commenting, “I suppose it is rather reflective of me in many ways, yes.”

When they made their way to the lounge Pur opened the door for the other to let him inside. He had not been exaggerating, his desk was piled high with schematics and hand written codes, stacks of books lined the wall that was dominated with computer screens and there were no less than a dozen dismantled PAKs strewn about. However, the Tallest lead the way past these to the overstuffed chairs beside his fireplace and pulled one of them out for the smaller. He made his way to his wine rack, again - much less elegant and far less full than Red's was. Pur had never been much of a drinker, but there were a few bottles, each of them a gift. As he poured glasses of the blueberry wine he asked, “Would you like a fire or no?”

Mika followed Pur into the lounge, his smile tugging a little wider and he chuckled lightly. He was unsurprised to see the lounge descended into a bit of chaos. He would often bring tea or supper to the Tallest in here to see him working tirelessly on some project or another, especially as of late. Since the revolution, he'd only seemed to have gotten busier.

He settled easily into the chair that was offered to him, watching Pur's moves closely and with a bit of a swoon. “I would love a fire, if you would not mind, of course.”

Even though this Tallest's lounge had become a mix of workspace and relaxation, it was still quite stunning and all the more Pur's aesthetic. Elegancies that, even as personal medic to the Tallest's and Tallers of the Empire aboard the Massive, were not exactly accessible to him. He had earned a great deal of respect from other Irks due to his position, but certainly nothing could match the beauty and grace of all things offered to the Tallests (or, taken, as was quite often the case for one Tallest more so than the other).

The Tallest gave a nod and as soon as he handed over a glass to the smaller he stepped up to the fireplace and began to input commands into a small control panel in the wall and the hearth suddenly came to life, filling the space with warmth and the ambiance of flickering flames. He made his way to the other chair and sat down musing, “I never mind a fire going. I am perpetually cold, no matter what I do. So, some additional heat is always welcome.”

He took a sip of the wine and then smiled at the other, “Actually this is quite good. But I tend to like much sweeter wines.”

“A fire is always a welcome addition,” Mika agreed with a small chitter--the warmth was quite nice, along with the ambiance of the crackling orange-yellow flames across the mostly purple room. He sipped from his glass and couldn't help but to purr.

“It is a very nice wine,” he nodded, unsurprised that Purple had sweeter tastes, although he had hardly ever seen the other drink. In fact, Mika didn't drink often, either, unless there was to be a celebration of sorts on the Massive.

The smaller took a glance around the room, really taking the space in and humming softly. “Would you tell me of something you are working on, Pur?”

The Tallest glanced behind them at the untidy room, the projects he had going on and furrowed his brow. His main project was the virus he was developing to fell the control brains. For the doctor's safety, that was not something he could be told, even though he had accomplished an impressive amount of work on it and would have loved to brag, if it were not so treacherous. He brought a hand up to his chin, tapping softly with the tip of one finger as he pondered.

“Oh,” he finally said. “The PAKs are a rather engaging project. What I am working on is a PAK program that would allow an Irk to switch from their current PAKs without the ten minutes to live side effect. The Irk would then have these PAKs and be free to remove them. There are a bunch of reasons why I am working on it that I cannot necessarily divulge. But, essentially, it is to give our subjects more freedom. Unfortunately- they will need to be tested at some point. So I am trying to make sure the program is unflawed before I hook one to my back. So far, it has been problematic.”

Mika listened closely and with interest as the Tallest spoke, eyeing the PAKs and parts that occupied the space. When he had finished speaking, the doctor turned to the other, antennae twitching curiously. “Problematic? It sounds like a very fascinating project. How is it problematic, if that is information that you may divulge?” He asked, the thought knotting a bit of worry into the pit of his stomach as his mind processed the possibilities.

The Tallest offered a smile, this one was wide and far more his norm, now that he was speaking about work instead of feelings. He gave a chuckle and began, “So to be able to switch the PAKs properly one has to be able to decrypt the securities placed on it. The code within a PAK is bound to the very nervous system of an Irk and there are certain firewalls that have to be broken down to be able to unsync that connection. The problematic part is that the encryption is almost always being scrambled. I have been able to pinpoint it a bit. But the encryption scrambles twice every zeptosecond. That is twice in every trillionth of a billionth of a second. So, in order to succeed, my program has to be able to decrypt those firewalls before the next scramble.”

He brought a hand up to scratch at his cheek absently as he added with a chuckle, “I would like to think I am close. But there is still some testing to do before I am comfortable strapping one to me.”

Mika nodded thoughtfully, “Yes, that does sound very complicated. The program will have to be very fast and accurate,” he offered, not understanding so much the techy details. “I would hope that all of the kinks would be worked out before testing a PAK on yourself like that. I cannot imagine what kind of damage it may do if it is not ready. I do hope that you are careful in your testing,” he said, taking in the Tallest's far more relaxed and comfortable demeanour, the way his violet eyes glimmered with excitement over his work.

Pur gave an honest laugh and mused, “Oh, it would undoubtedly kill me, if it is not ready. Probably rather horrifically.” He took a sip of his wine and added, “So I am making sure that I am being rather thorough.”

He turned his full attention to the other and asked happily, “What kind of sculptures are you working on? Is there anything in particular that inspires you?”

Mika's antennae leaned back slightly at Pur's comment, and he chirped unhappily. “Oh. We certainly do not want that. I am glad to hear that you are taking the proper care, though, and I do have faith in both your technological prowess and determination. I am sure when it is ready, it will go well.”

He hummed to himself softly, taking a sip from his own wine as he considered the Tallest's question. “Well, I used to do mainly abstract sculpture, particularly from spare parts and machinery that I could find. I do tend to keep them quite hidden in my quarters. However, Tallest Dib has shown me some incredible historic sculptures from Earth, particularly of people, done from clay or marble. Those have been inspiring me quite a lot lately, and I have been attempting to recreate such artworks in Irken form. I… Feel it is quite a shame we have kept art from our culture so completely. It is interesting to me to explore Irken values in a medium that seems to be so against all our people stand for. At least, until recently.”

He blushed slightly at the admission of his work. He had mentioned it a bit before, but was always scared to divulge details, and he had never shared information about his sculpture with anyone else. He hoped that the Tallest's interest was not just feigned.

Pur had leaned forward, placing his elbow on the arm of the chair and cupping his cheek in his hand, quite enraptured in what the Irk was saying. He had always loved artwork and discovering what that word meant to other cultures. But as Mika spoke he had a rather brilliant idea of something he could share with the little Irk.

“I have something I want to show you,” he said as he rose from his seat and made his way over to the wall of screens, grabbing one by the edge and tugging it from the wall. It came away easily and simply hovered mid air. He pulled it over to the smaller and sat down on the floor at Mika's feet as he started digging through the vast amount of information on his computer. As he accessed a set of files he mused, “Art is actually something that used to be very important to Irk. This was millennia ago, of course. Before the brains, that is.”

He pulled up an image of a planet, one which was luscious and green with oceans of vivid pink. The information on the screen listed it as Irk. But Irk nearly five thousand years ago. It was a great deal different from the almost entirely metal covered planet which both of them were born to. He opened up some historical documents and added, “Art came to be seen as a waste of Irken resources when the brains took control, so it was destroyed and outlawed. However, they do love their data, so there are records. Of course these are not public, by any means. But being Tallest does come with a perk or two.”

The screen was suddenly filled with images of paintings, beautiful buildings of stone covered in base relief, sculptures and pages upon pages of Irken poetry. He scooted a bit to give Mika full access to the screen and rested his head on the boy's knee and said up to him, “Perhaps you can find some inspiration from the inspiration of our ancestors?”

At first, Mika was very confused when the Tallest stood and walked away, but his antennae were perked with curiosity and he listened carefully as Pur began to speak, now sitting near him on the floor.

His eyes widened at the screen, staring in awe at what was revealed to him and the information that Pur had just divulged. Years and years of artwork censored and hidden from their history, something that he was startled even the Tallest had been able to discover. It seemed so outside their realm, so outside of everything he knew about his own people. The control brains and the Tallests--well. Most did assume that the Tallests simply fulfilled their role as messengers of the brains. Nobody spoke of it, except for perhaps in hushed whispers far from prying eyes.

The artwork was fascinating and beautiful. The pieces still held the strength and grace of Irken form, their curiosity in technology, but so proudly displayed these things as pieces to be considered. Artwork meant to question, not to confirm what was already understood.

“This is incredible. Was this all destroyed?” Mika asked, his voice hushed and nervous. It felt almost as though discussing it would destroy the illusion, or that they would be caught any second doing something horribly illegal. But it was incredible.

Pur had let the smaller look at the art in silence as long as he wanted to. The Tallest was content to simply watch him take it all in. At the question he gave a soft and almost sad smile, “Yes, it was all destroyed. These records are really all that remains of our artistic roots. But there is so much more, even. Philosophy, even religion. Everything was purged from Irk thousands of years ago, but there are these records of them.”

He glanced at the screen and added, “As a Tallest, we are meant to study these things. The brains told us that it was to see how primitive the species was, to be able to appreciate the wonders of the New Empire. It was meant to solidify our loyalties to the brains, so that we would not question their orders. But I have always found it just… fascinating.”

He gave another smile and added, “As does Red, believe it or not. I have caught him several times even humming some of the ancient folks songs under his breath. He even tried to recreate a few of the paintings. The brains were really displeased with him for it though.”

The Tallest did not elaborate on what the brains being displeased entailed, but he was sure that anything that the Irk could come up with would not even come close to that terror.

Mika could hardly tear his eyes away from the artwork in front of him as Pur spoke, even outlining Red's interest in their beautiful and hidden past. While he did want to inquire further about what happened to Red when he had been caught, he could tell with a glass that it would not be information Pur would be comfortable divulging to him.

He nodded in response, looking back to the screen and following the lines to one of the poems, a little archaic and their language even slightly different. He considered for a moment before asking, just as quietly, “Why are you showing me this? Does this…” he fidgeted anxiously, one antennae twitching in excitement at the thought, “Does this have anything to do with the projects you cannot tell me about?”

The Tallest had furrowed his brow at the first question but at the second he turned his head away to look into the fire. He heaved a heavy sigh and replied carefully, “It does not directly have to do with them. Though I hope that because of our plans we might pave the way for Irks to once again express themselves like this, among other things.”

Mika couldn't help but to place his hand on Pur's shoulder, gripping him perhaps a little more tightly than he'd intended as he rose his eyes back up to the artwork. “For there to be a day I can explore my artwork without shame, without the need to hide it… I am very hopeful for those projects, Pur. And even though you have not been able to come forward with these plans, I can promise you, many Irks feel much the same way.”

Pur nodded lightly and agreed, “As am I.” What he did not add was the fact that he and Red had already discussed that it was unlikely that they would manage to see the finished product. The brains would be livid when these plans came to fruition. The Tallests were prepared for the fact that it may very well be their final act of defiance.

The Tallest shook off the thoughts and looked back at the other with a kind smile, “I would love to see your art sometime, if you are willing to share it with me.”

Mika, clueless to the Tallest's inner thoughts, simply smiled down at him and blushed. “I would love to show you sometime. I cannot say that my work is as incredible as what you have shown me here, but perhaps you may still find it interesting.”

Pur grinned back up at the younger Irk and replied happily, “I think that you are quite incredible. I am sure that any art you have created will be equally so.”

He gave a shrug and added, “All of my own art, if you could consider it that, is just my work with technology. It seems to be the only kind of creation that the brains are truly okay with. Even the books which Red and I tend to hoard from other cultures are considered contraband. Not that it has ever stopped us. But we have become far better at hiding it from them.”

Mika smiled at Pur's compliment. “Your work is art, Pur, of its own sort,” he said softly, moving his hand from the Tallest's shoulder to caress his cheek, seeing how the violet blush arose to his high cheekbones. He loved how Pur's eyes got excited as he spoke of his projects and interests, even defying the control brains brought a defiant glint to his eyes that was nothing less than stunning.

He could imagine that the control brains were far less than pleased at the recent developments, particularly Red, more vocal and far more often in the public eye, his own defiances quite on display for all of the Empire and further.

“I should thank you, Pur. For tonight. It has been a very, very wonderful day, thanks to you.” Mika stroked his thumb along Pur's cheek.

Pur did not disappoint the Irk's desire to see him blush, he did so quite splendidly, vibrant violet erupting about his cheeks at the touch, once again remembering that he was anxious about this whole ordeal. He chittered softly and replied, “N-no. Thank you, Mika. For coming to spend time with me tonight. I know that you are a very busy person and this has been very nice.”

Of course, Pur was an incredibly busy person as well, however it did not seem necessary to state as much. The Tallest straightened his back, realizing now that sitting on the floor like a smeet was rather unbecoming but he did not stand, instead he looked up at the smaller and asked, “Would you possibly want to maybe do this more often? On a somewhat regular basis perhaps?”

Mika purred softly at Pur's question, continuing to stroke his cheek and examine the colour, his mouth parting just a touch to inhale the brilliant maple of him, the way he looked so bashful and charming.

“Pur, I would love that. Very much. I will always make time for you, and I am so glad that you would like to spend more time with me.”

The Tallest flashed another smile at the response and moved instead to his knees rather than sitting on the floor and took both of the smaller's hands in his as he spoke, “I really would enjoy spending more time with you Mika. This has really been wonderful. I know I have been a bit less than eloquent this evening but I appreciate the chance to do this again and hopefully I will have better control over myself.”

He glanced away, the blush still vibrant on his cheeks as he added, “I am usually not quite this much of a wreck.”

“Oh, Pur,” Mika murmured quietly, using his hand already on the Tallest's cheek to turn him back so they were again facing one another. He leaned down, pressing another kiss to the Tallest's lips, gentle and chaste, before pulling back. “We will become more comfortable around one another over time. I do not mean to make you nervous. We can take this as slowly as you like. There is no hurry.”

He felt odd, once again sitting taller than the other, looking down to him. It was a serious role reversal--and again, his shoes were pinching.

With a frustrated squeak, the doctor pulled back. “Do forgive me, I know this is certainly not first-date appropriate behaviour, and quite unbecoming, but I may lose my mind if I must wear these infernal heels for another moment.”

With that, the smaller tugged up the hems of his robes, unfastening his heels and delicately, but quickly, tugging them off with a relieved chitter. He turned apologetically back to Pur. “My apologies, Pur. I am… Not accustomed to wearing anything other than comfortable boots, for I do so much standing at work.”

The Tallest had tilted his head curiously at the squeak of pain only to chuckle lightly as the other removed his shoes. The Irk's feet were very obviously sore from the heels and it was something that Pur understood all too well, “Ah. Fancy shoes. Very cute. But also not worth the pain, I have discovered.”

He moved back into a seated position on the floor, lifting his long robes up to the ankle to reveal a pair of clunky combat boots, “I never wear heels unless making a public appearance. And that is only because Red wears them. People would talk if we did not appear to be the same height. I hate them so much.”

He chuckled once again before lifting the doctor's feet into his lap and beginning to rub the aching arches and toes gently with his fingers, “I hereby give you my full blessing and encouragement to wear comfortable shoes to all of our future dates. I would much rather you not be in pain throughout.”

Mika's cheeks heated quite intensely as Pur tugged his feet into his lap to massage them, but despite the orange tinge and his embarrassment at himself, he couldn't help but begin to purr under the touches of the Tallest.

“Ah, thank you, Pur. I do appreciate this, and the fact that I will not have to wear the heels very often. I do much prefer a comfortable, and efficient, pair of footwear.” He laughed softly, letting his hands rest in his lap now.

“I do imagine it would be odd to see the two of you on screen at different heights. Although it is odd that we have always had two leaders of the same height--perhaps shoe style has been a visual aid in that department.”

Pur chuckled lightly and mused as he continued his gentle massage, “Perhaps. I doubt it though. The brains measure us on a monthly basis to make sure that one of us has not grown and if an Irk wants to contest us with their height we must also submit for measuring, not that it happens often. We are almost freakishly tall for Irkens.”

He smiled up at the doctor and added, “In the past there have been times where there was only one Tallest and I know of at least one universe in which there is only a single Tallest. In that one Zim is actually Tallest. It is hard to imagine with how short my brother's mate is. But I suppose that genetics were bound to deal him a fair hand in some iterations.” He paused and tilted his head adding with a somewhat uncomfortable chuckle, “I am fairly certain that he killed us in that universe though. So that is less fun.”

“Oh, that most certainly is less fun,” Mika nodded, fidgeting with the ties on his robes as the other spoke. “It… truly seems to be an odd thing to determine leaders.”

The smaller Irken considered this for a moment, turning back to the Tallest, still seated on the floor and rubbing his sore feet. “I am curious how much you have discovered about our pasts, other than the artwork and religion. Did we conduct ourselves in much the same way? Were we always so violent? Or simply… explorative?”

Pur smiled softly and mused, “It may be an odd way of doing things and certainly not the best way of doing things. But it certainly worked out in my favor.” He spend a few moments in contemplation before he continued, “As far as what I have discovered about how Irk used to be, actually, believe it or not - actually the society used to be incredibly spiritual. But spirituality fell to the wayside in the name of progress.”

Mika's frown deepened. “Well, I am certainly glad you are in the position you are, and that the stars have brought us together in this way. I cannot even imagine an Irk as spiritual. I know many other races to be quite spiritual, and Taller Dib has educated me some on Earth spirituality. It is hard to imagine for our people.

“I wonder,” Mika continued, “How we may have progressed would we have not turned to such dominance and violence.”

The Tallest shrugged and mused, “It is an interesting notion to ponder, but truly it is impossible to tell. But violence was not completely out of the norm, even for those Irks. The priests were the greatest warriors of the civilization. But combat was seen as an extension of spirituality. More of a command of one's own body, really. But, from what I have been able to tell, they only engaged in combat when pressed to do so and for sport.”

He continued rubbing the soles of the smaller's feet and added, “There has always been a tendency of conquest among Irkkind, but it seems that it used to be far more balanced.”

“Hmm,” Mika murmured, leaning back into the cushioned chair, tugging one of the decorative pillows from behind himself to hug it to his chest, purple on orange. “That does make it a little easier to picture. I wonder if we will ever be able to go back, or if we are doomed to continue down the path we have chosen to take.”

He glances at Pur, then, adoration clear on his face for the speculative expression of the Tallest’s. “Perhaps time will tell.”

Purple smiled softly and mused, “I have to remain hopeful that we are able to reverse some of the damage to our own culture. The damage of the Empire as a whole cannot be undone, of course, but I would hope that future generations are able to see our mistakes and continue on with the desire for change.”

Without truly thinking about it he slid his hands a bit further up to massage the boy's ankles and calves, “It is my hope that we will help to shepherd in an age where Irks are able to choose their paths for themselves, are able to grow and love freely. Most of what the future will hold is up to Irks themselves. There are those that currently and will continue to resist change, there is a wickedness in our blood and I only hope that goodness will win out.”

Mika nodded sadly into the thought, but he had seen it first-hand and knew it to be true. The way Irks like that spoke of Taller Dib; even with his prowess and his station, he was seen as an outsider to their people. The fact that Red had taken one Irken mate was odd--odder, still, that he took two, one of another species. “I hope so as well. I suppose all we can do is continue to fight for what is right, and to nurture more pleasant and welcoming ideals.”

He allowed Pur’s hands to travel up his leg, but he couldn’t help but to blush a little as the hem of his robes rose up a little further. In return, he placed a gentle hand on the Tallest’s shoulder, offering a light but affectionate squeeze.

The Tallest hummed softly at the hand on his shoulder and gave a nod. He did truly hope that their newfound path of peace lead to prosperity, that the Irks would follow their lead and they would be able to live happier and more freely.

Pur glanced up at the little Irk with a smile and let go of Mika's leg as he shifted himself onto his knees and mused, “I am sure it will work out,” The Tallest let the conversation about the future of Irk end there and acting far braver than he felt he brought a hand up to the Irk's jaw and pressed forward to steal another gentle kiss from him.

Mika was glad for the distraction of the kiss, having become unsure of what more to say regarding the current topic of conversation. With a soft chirp, he responded to the kiss in kind, just as gently, his hand still on the Tallest’s shoulder sliding down just a little to rest on his chest.

He deepened the kiss slightly after a moment, risking the opening of his mouth. He flushed, hoping he wasn’t moving too quickly for Pur, but definitely wanting to end this incredible night on just as high of a note as it began, as was every moment in between.

The Tallest purred softly at the feeling of Mika's hand on his chest and responded by slipping his hand to the back of the smaller's neck as he tentatively slipped his tongue into the doctor's mouth, letting it slide softly against the other's. The feeling was incredible, not completely unlike he had imagined it would be, but also not a sensation that he thought he could put words to if he tried.

He brought up his other hand, wrapping it softly around the Irk's lower back, pulling him closer, nearly off the edge of the chair as he pulled away from the kiss and ducked his head down to kiss at the smaller's neck. His purr shifted into what was a rarity for him, a soft and rumbling growl as Pur finally let his inhibitions go, letting himself simply be in that moment with Mika.

The liberation did not last long. Pur had just barely begun trailing soft kisses along Mika's jaw when the little Irken insignia at his collar flashed a soft lavender color and an Irken's voice sounded, “Pardon my intrusion, my Tallest. Your presence is required on the bridge.”

The Tallest let out a heavy sigh, mumbling against the Doctor's skin, “Do you think they will believe me if I told them they got the wrong number?”

At first, Mika was chittering into their kiss, then gasping and purring into the kisses to his throat, both hands having shifted to the Tallest's chest to steady himself. His cheekbones flushed and eyes slipped closed, allowing them to simply be together, finally not as Tallest and subject--then nearly jumped out of his skin at the voice sounding from the communicator he had not seen flash.

He giggled shyly, pulling back from the other just slightly, stroking the back of Pur's head in a comforting and affectionate manner. It was probably best they stopped now, and didn't take things faster than they were ready for--at least, than he was ready for. “I am sorry, but I do not think they will, Pur,” he murmured, the giggle still audible tucked between his words as he tried to settle his nerves.

The Tallest chuckled and mused, “You are probably right,” as he pulled away and lifted his hand to the communicator, tapping the insignia and replied back, “En route, Lieutenant.”

Pur looked to the smaller as he stood with a sigh. He leaned down, pressing his forehead against Mika's and saying softly, “Thank you for a lovely evening, Mika.” He straightened his back, shoving one of his hands into his pocket and scuffed his boot on the floor as he added, “I would love to do this again sometime.”

Mika stayed seated only as long as the Tallest took to press against his forehead with his own, chittering softly and his antennae tilted forward just slightly.

“No, thank you. I had such an incredible night, Pur,” he said, standing and risking taking Purple's hand in his own, noting the awkward shuffle and the lack of desire to leave. It was flattering. It made him feel more special than he had in his years. “I would love to do this again, too. Any time you would like. You do, after all, sort of make my schedule.”

It was a joke, and only half true--he did have students to teach and a very rowdy human that often called his attention away, but the Tallests were his first priority and, should he wish to, he could ask one of his upper-level students to take over for a day.

The Tallest chuckled lightly, rubbing the pad of his thumb along Mika's knuckles as he looked down at the smaller with a warm smile, “I suppose that I do. Well, you have my word that I will make sure that you are given adequate free time indulge me in my desire for your company, so long as you maintain the desire to do so.”

He brought the doctor's hand up, pressing a kiss to his fingers and adding, “I hate to say goodnight, but I really do have to go. Please feel free to sit, enjoy the fire and finish your wine. I will have some of the dinner that neither of us really ate sent to your quarters, or here, if you prefer.”

Mika chittered softly as Pur took his hand up and kissed his fingers, blushing lightly. He pulled his lip between his teeth for a moment as he considered his options.

As much as he would love to stay, and the offer was quite sweet, he wasn't sure yet how appropriate it would be to stay for long. “Thank you, Pur. I will stay to finish my wine, if that is okay, and then I think I will retire to my quarters. If that is okay, of course.”

Pur let out a genuine laugh at the comment as he looked down at the doctor and replied with a smile, “Of course that is okay, Mika. It is not like I am going to force you to stay in my office all night. Stay as long as you like, dinner will be in your quarters when you do retire.”

The Tallest leaned down to press his lips against the doctor's cheek before stepping back a few paces and engaging the teleport system hooked up to his gauntlet. As he finished he looked back to the smaller and said with a smile, “I had fun, thank you for spending the evening with me. Goodnight, Mika… Energize.”

With that the Tallest phased out, leaving the doctor alone in the office.

Mika whined softly as Pur teleported out, sighing and sitting back down in the chair. He tugged his heels back on, not wanting to walk through the ship barefoot back to his quarters, and slowly sipped at his wine.

Despite the interruption, it had been a really fantastic evening. Dinner was lovely, the holodeck was incredible, and speaking with Pur here in the lounge, being close to one another… it was everything he had dreamed of since the academy. More.

He had been worried that upon meeting Pur that the feelings would fizzle into a simple crush for their leader. They didn't. He had worried the same with the date, and again, the way he felt hadn't faded but in fact increased tenfold. He smiled to himself, finishing off his wine in one fell swoop, before he stood and made his way back to his quarters.

#;my almighty tallest: pragmatic purple #the date #long post #//tw long post

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gcrminatorarchive · 5 years

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Your portrayal on Osmosis Jones

You want positivity? You got positivity!!

Cheesy jokes aside, I absolutely adore your portrayal of Osmosis Jones! Now, it has been years since I’ve watched the movie / seen the TV series, but I can say without a doubt that I can hear Ozzy’s voice, in not only how you write his dialogue, but how you write for him, and certainly within how much you cherish and love the character!!

You don’t shy away from his negative traits either - truly, I believe that you flesh out Osmosis and bring him into new, fresh heights that the movie and TV series just didn’t have time to explore, or didn’t think to explore! That’s the joy of roleplaying, however: being able to take a character into new, refreshing territories.

You also make Ozzy your own, by giving him these neat little quirks. I love reading the way you write his speech patterns, I can just hear Chris Rock and it is such a treat!!

Now, I know that you have a habit of doubting your writing, or getting down: and I’m here to tell you, nay, remind you that it’s okay to doubt yourself, or to make mistakes. What matters is that we learn from those things, and acknowledge them while striving to better ourselves. I trust and have faith in you to do those things.

So! Whenever that little voice in your noggin starts getting down on you, just remember: give yourself permission to feel bad, or upset, or negative, but then build yourself back up! Remind yourself why you love the character, why you love writing. Remind yourself that it isn’t about comparing your writing to another roleplayers’! We each have our own distinct, unique way of tackling writing, and that’s another thing that roleplaying is about: sharing that writing, writing together, and just enjoying our experiences!!

We don’t talk a lot, we’re usually on at different times, life and work can be interesting that way, but even if we’re not chatting on the daily, I wanted to also remind you: it’s great to see you! On the dash, in an ask, answering things. I love how you host so many movie / tv show nights and if my internet / schedule allowed it, I’d hop in on more of them!!

Take care of yourself, remember to let yourself grow and feel happy, and remember that Ozzy cares about you as much as you care about him.

Happy holidays,

Kravitz

@wisheternally

Oh my god...This....This left me totally speechless. Even now as I re-read it and type, I still have trouble finding the right words to say to this. But here goes.

I’ve gotten praise before, and sometimes it feels kinda bittersweet, but this...This made me feel more than I’ve ever felt about my writing and myself before. I’m practically in tears right now; I thought opening up an Ozzy blog after my previous encounter with another who RPed him would be a horrible idea; I had been bullied at the beginning for taking him on when I only wanted to cope with losing a friend I had respected and trusted. Not only that, I had regret it and felt dirty for doing it, because I thought I would both cause more conflict with that person, and worse...I thought the words they said came from Ozzy’s mouth. Because he was a character I loved and grew up with even before I met the dude. I thought people would just continue to label me as being spiteful for doing it over time, and that I was shaming myself, my ex-friend, and the character for portraying him. I was scared of my own shadow. Stuck on an emotional roller coaster that didn’t seem to stop. I was a fuckin’ mess. Still kinda am.

But this...After reading this, I know in my heart now that it was one of the best things I ever did.

And though I had my doubts, a lot of my RP partners, both old and new, didn’t shame me for what had happened prior during the time I’ve been on this blog; Instead, they built me up little by little with their kindness and care, helping me get back up. I can’t thank them enough for their patience and understanding, more than I could ever say in a hundred years. All of you have truly given me my wings back.

And even after all that chaos, after all that user said and did to make me think otherwise, after that few months of depression and hurt, I never ever stopped loving Ozzy. I couldn’t. He had been one of my childhood companions since the very beginning. Although we aren’t friends anymore, that user did do a good thing in bringing him back into my life, helping me rediscover/remember him two years ago; Ozzy taught me to take better care of myself, and not only that, but to take risks, break some rules, and be brave in the face of those who would hurt you and desert you. To get back up and keep trying. He’s truly a hero that needs more appreciation than what he gets.

I also always thought I’d only make things worse by being sad and negative, and that I should handle all of my internal conflicts on my own. But you reminded me that I’m valid to feel the way I do, and that I’m here for one reason and one reason only: To have fun, and to make friends.

Kravitz, I’m so grateful to have you as a friend here. You are kind, and so loyal and caring to folks like little old me, who doesn’t deserve a thing like that. I love your spin on your Shadow and Ozzy just loves hanging out with him. And we totally need to talk more, bud, time-zones or not. I will message you as much as I can (Hopefully not too much!) and bombard you with so much Osmosis Jones and Sonic trash. You are welcome to hit me up for asks, OOC chats, or a stream any old time you’re free, you just let me know, and I will drop everything and hang with you. It means so much that you believe in me, bro. Thank you. Love you lots.

You want Osmosis? You GOT Osmosis, fam. Any day of the week, any time you want.

Happy Holidays!

#wisheternally #Srsly...I realy can't stress this enough but you are so sweet for doing this #Thank you. Just thank you. <333333333 #submission

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incorrectdeceptionquotes · 6 years

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A Bundle of Secrets Chapter 24

Chapter 24

A few days later...

“Berossi! You have a visitor.” A guard called.

Cornelia Berossi, formerly known as the mystery woman made her way over to the telephone station, wondering who would be visiting her, she had no family and her team had abandoned her. She was surprised to see Jonathan waiting for her by the phone. She sat down behind the glass and picked up the phone. “Hello Cornelia. That’s a lovely colour on you.” He smirked.

Cornelia rolled her pale blue eyes, “What do you want Jonathan?”

“Well, I have always wanted to see what it’s like being on the other side of this place.” His smirk turned to a frown, “And I came to say goodbye.”

“Goodbye?”

“You see, you were such an obsession for my life at one point that, it didn’t seem right to leave without a proper happy ending.”

Cornelia scoffed, “Happy ending?”

Jonathan raised an eyebrow and smirked, “Of course, this is me and my family’s happy ending. I’m done with you. You, behind bars with no legs left to stand on and... the odds of you getting out... are near impossible. Even if you did, you’d have a real tough time readjusting to society.”

She raised an eyebrow, “How are you so sure?”

“Oh, because you see,” He held up a newspaper with not only a picture of him and Cam having been reunited but a very clear picture of Cornelia’s mug shot in the corner, “The whole world knows who you are now.” Cornelia’s eyes widened as she looked at the newspaper, “There’s no more hiding for you. Time to face the spotlight.”

“Why did you do this?” She whispered as her nostrils flared.

“Oh, I didn’t do anything” Jonathan said putting the paper down, “I mean, with one of the Blancs having been taken to jail for murder of a civilian, the kidnapping and attempted murder of an FBI agent and that’s just naming a few, the article practically wrote itself.”

Cornelia sighed, “I wish you understood.”

“If you wanna be mad at someone, be mad at yourself.” The former mystery woman gave Jonathan a confused look and Johnny could help but... feel sorry for her, her life wasn’t easy and she clearly had problems that went beyond her hatred of his father but she had made her choices, “Look, you’re smart. Probably one of the smartest people I’ve ever met but you made one fatal mistake. You messed with my family. Now you have to answer for everything you’ve ever done.”

“You don’t understand, my mother made me who I am, I had to do things that no child should have to do.”

“So did I, so did Cam, so did a lot of other people in this world but they don’t all turn into psychopath killers who toy with people’s emotions and purposely ruin lives in the name of the greater good. Along the way, you start making your own choices.”

“People like our parents treated us like they could bend us to their will and never let us choose who we wanted to be.” She took a deep breath, “And when I finally found you again, I realized that it was our turn to win.”

“But you became a villain.” He chuckled grimly, “Because that’s what people like you do, your happiness has to come at the expense of others and that’s why you could never be happy.”

“But we understood each other.”

“You don’t know me. You never did. You thought you did but you didn’t. You didn’t know it was me you were looking for.” Jonathan stated bluntly, “You had thought you were looking for Cameron, that’s why you framed me for murder.”

“Jonathan-”

“But you know what, I’m glad it was me because if you had done that to Cam... let’s just say that it’s a good thing I knew Kay would get him out soon enough after what I did.”

“But you still left him there. You left your brother in your place, how does that make you any better than me?”

“Well, I can of one thing that makes me... at the very least, one percent better than you.” He leaned in to the window, “I. Am. Not. A. Killer.” Her expression didn’t change but Jonathan could see the anger build in her eyes, “Don’t get me wrong. I know what it feels like to be tempted to be the bad guy especially when it seems like that’s who the whole world wants you to be but... it isn’t something to strive for...” He raised an eyebrow, “It’s something to pity.”

Cornelia scoffed, “You pity me?”

“Yes. I pity you.” He gave her a genuine sympathetic look, “Because you don’t have anyone waiting for you to come home.” His light demeanor vanished. Jonathan’s eyes went dark and his nostrils flared, “But you deserve to be here.” He had to tell her why he truly hated her now, “You... are the reason I never got to see my little sister again. You are the reason she and her husband are dead. You are the reason my baby niece has to grow up without her parents who loved her so damn much!” He spat, “And the only reason, I haven’t done anything to you is because I need to be there for her now. I want to be there for her... and you’re not going to stop me. You took over a year of my life away from me but unlike you... I have something to live for now.” Cornelia didn’t say anything. Jonathan sighed, “Well, I said all I came to say.”

“Where are you going?” She asked softly, almost uncharacteristically as she looked at him again.

“My brother and I have a funeral to plan.” He gave her one last look. For a moment, he didn’t see the beautiful psychopath who ruined his life, he saw the innocent young girl who he met in Reykjavik, he shook his head slightly, she wasn’t that girl he had been friends with back then... not anymore. She made her choices and this is where those choices brought her and she had no one to blame but herself, “Goodbye Cornelia. I do hope... you can understand what you’ve done and maybe... you can redeem yourself.” It was foolish to think she could but he knew taking away someone’s hope was just cruel. He put the phone back in its holder, got up and left.

“Goodbye Jonathan...” Cornelia whispered into her own phone knowing that he was no longer on the line to hear her. She was alone... and she could only blame herself.

When he got back to the archive, he saw everyone combing through Fiona and Shawn’s personal belongings, trying to just organize it all. Cameron was the first to notice his brother’s return, “Hey,” He greeted, “How’d it go?”

Jonathan shook his head, “It was not what I expected...” Jonathan smiled, “But it... it really is over. We can actually move on.” He walked over to his brother and gave him a hug, “She’s out of our lives.”

Cameron hugged his brother tightly, “Welcome home.”

They pulled away from their hug, “Where’s Farrah?”

“Little girly’s helping Jordan with his music.” Gunter said with a smirk as he walked by, going out the door to get some takeout for dinner, “If I’m not back in an hour, it mean that they’ve screwed up our order and I’ve had to teach a lesson.”

Jonathan called out, “Jordan-”

“This is a Disney playlist I’m making for her Johnny, no swearing to be found here!” Jordan called from the other room. Jordan rolled his eyes, “Uncle Johnny’s being kind of the buzzkill now huh?” Farrah giggled as she kicked her legs to the music.

“I heard that Jordan!” Jonathan called back, “The kid learns any curse words before she’s ten, I’m blaming you!”

Kay walked into the room from the kitchen holding an apple in her left hand, it still in the sling, “So I finally found something that wasn’t pudding, candy, coffee or expired.” She looked up and saw Jonathan, she smiled, “Hey, how’d it go?”

Johnny shrugged but smiled, “It’s over. I can actually move on with my life... I can actually have a life.” He headed for the kitchen, “Now what’s this I hear about pudding? Do we have vanilla?”

“I saw chocolate pudding.”

“Even better.”

Kay walked over to Cameron, “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just a little overwhelming. You know if you had told me two weeks ago that all thing would happen... I genuinely would have said that it was impossible.”

“Cameron Black thinking something is impossible?” Kay joked. She noticed how he was just kind of combing through the things, almost as if he didn’t want to finish cleaning it up, “Need some help?”

“Uh, no, it’s fine, besides, your arm-”

“I still have the other one.” She said as she started to organize the books on the table.

Jonathan walked back in with a pudding cup in hand, “How’s the organizing going?”

“Pretty good. We’ve managed to sort out most of the photos and Dina’s gone to get plastic covers for them.” Cameron said.

“What’s with all the notebooks?” Johnny asked motioning to the pile of books that Kay was looking through.

“Sketchbooks, actually. They’re all Fiona’s. She was good...” Her hand fell to a black sketchbook with a silver spiral binding. Something about it seemed familiar so she opened it; she smiled as she flipped through the pages, seeing drawings of fairies, royalty and knights in shining armor, “She seemed to love fairytales.”

Jonathan had put the empty plastic cup aside and started looking through the books, “Here’s a page of where she was just writing down baby names. Man, she had a ton of names in mind for Farrah. Soraya, Regina, Ella, and Alice which is just naming a few... but it’s clear she liked the name Farrah the best.” Kay smiled as she continued flipping through the sketchbook until she flipped a page and pressed between the last page and the current one were two unmarked envelopes. Kay’s eyes widened as it finally clicked in her mind as to why the sketchbook seemed familiar.

Cameron smirked, “How are you so sure?”

Johnny flipped the book around for Cameron and Kay, who wasn’t paying attention, to see, “Well, given the fact that the name is underlined three times, circled twice in red and got little gold stars and pink hearts drawn around it, that’s kind of what tipped me off.”

Cameron chuckled, “Well, the name Farrah does suit her.”

Just then, Kay’s grip the apple she was holding loosened unconsciously and it fell to the floor when she opened up one of the envelopes and saw the words, To Cameron Black written inside the flap. Cameron and Jonathan both turned their heads to Kay who looked shell-shocked, Cameron gave her a concerned look as he picked the apple off the floor, “Kay? What’s wrong?” She didn’t respond for a moment and Cameron gently placed hand on her left shoulder, snapping her out of it, “Kay? Are you okay?”

She looked at Cameron with a look of disbelief in her eyes, “C-Cameron... did I... how long did I flat line when I was in the hospital?”

“You didn’t tell her?” Jonathan asked.

“I-I genuinely forgot to.” Cameron replied, “Just for a few minutes according to the doctor. Kay, why do you ask?”

“These... these letters...” She took a deep breath, still not believing it herself, “Fiona wrote these letters for the both of you but... she was too scared to send them...”

Jonathan furrowed his brows, “Wait, how do you know that?”

Kay let out a breathy chuckle, the look of disbelief still on her face, “She told me.”

...So Kay finally remembers what happened when she was unconscious! The mystery woman or... Cornelia is locked away and the Deception family can finally move on with their lives... or can they? I’m sorry I keep doing that, I’ll stop... eventually. :D

Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, I actually enjoyed writing it more than I thought I would!

#deception #deception fanfiction #jonathan black #mystery woman #cameron black #kay daniels #jordan kwon #gunter gustafsen #kaymeron #a bundle of secrets #renewdeception #savedeception #deception abc

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dropintomanga · 6 years

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Post Anime NYC – On Women and Their Impact on My Life

2017 is a year I will always remember with regards to anime conventions. The Bay Area finally received an anime convention in Crunchyroll Expo, that looks to spearhead the next generation of anime fans. And finally after 7 long years, New York has a new place to call home for many anime fans in the form of Anime NYC. After going through 3 days of non-stop walking, talking, & hanging out, I had a blast being around friends (old and new). But it was also one of the most emotionally exhaustive experiences in my life. It brings me back 6 years ago when a certain someone came into my life and how my blogging life suddenly became quite a journey that went beyond blogging.

Around late summer 2011, I tweeted at a random Twitter user who loved Tiger & Bunny. She happened to be a Japanese woman who lived in New York. We actually chatted online for a bit. One day, we decided to meet up in person. A date was scheduled and it was after her trip to Comiket, as she liked to draw doujinshi. Before the meetup, she said she would get me Gintama merchandise from Japan for me. I said "Sure." We met for lunch at Kinokuniya NYC and we hit it off right away. The two of us fangirled/fanboyed over anime/manga series that had huge homoerotic undertones. I even introduced her to a few of my friends. All of this was really unexpected and I felt lucky. We then started going to NYCC and other conventions together and grew closer as the years went on. We always texted each other every day. I never thought I would have a close friend/companion that listened to me a lot during that time and vice versa.

That big old post I made about the power of fujoshi back in 2012. That was largely inspired by her.

Around 2015, things changed slowly. I think I was starting to have feelings for her, but I was so confused over what to do. We were at Otakon that year and things felt off. She then said she felt guilty for bringing me with her because I looked depressed out in Baltimore like I didn't want to be there. She also said she wanted to do separate hotel rooms if Otakon 2016 was a possibility as we always shared a room together. I was confused and told her that I was happy to be at Otakon with her. Later around October 2015, I was physically harassed by a male employee because I made his job more complicated than it needed to be. He pushed me aside, thought I was trying to make his life miserable, and threatened to watch over me. I reported the incident to my supervisor and the president. They didn't punish him since no one saw what happened. I quit about a week later because I didn't feel safe there.

My relationship with my friend slowly deteriorated. She said she wanted a time out early summer. I said sure and that she can talk if anything. She said that it wasn't what I was thinking. Around that time, I was unemployed. I mostly did a volunteer gig, helping out NAMI. I slowly began to think that she wanted me to die because I was an annoyance in her life. One night, I had enough and wanted to kill myself. I put up a tweet saying that I had enough. I couldn't take it anymore, yet I didn't do anything. A fellow fan on Twitter actually called the cops for me and they came over to my house after midnight. I felt so stupid afterwards. I actually told my friend what I tried to do and she told me that she felt that she was in the way of me developing new relationships with other people. She didn't want me to like her romantically. I called her on the phone to talk and we made up. I thought we were good again.

She wanted a time out a couple of months later. I agreed. Then the big U.S. Presidential election came and I wanted to talk. She said to not talk to her unless I wanted her to say something harsh. I then made the big mistake of contacting her with a large email about a whole bunch of things and she replied back saying that she wasn't my mom and that I was a crybaby who blames everything and needs to grow up. She did tell me to take care of myself more. I wanted to say more, but she didn't want any of it. I left it as is. However, I was so angry that she called me a crybaby. I never asked to be that way because of my mental illness. I didn't know how to process her not being in my life and I made another mistake in continuing to bother her around early January. She then blocked me.

Around that time, I bought a Humble Bundle PC game set that included the game VA-11 Hall-A. For anyone who's played the game, you know it's a bartender-simulation game. Behind it was a story about life and reconciliation. The story behind the main character, Jill, got to me as she broke it off with her ex-girlfriend, Lenore, years ago before her bartender job. Lenore's sister, Gabriella, came by after 3 years of no contact to let Jill know that Lenore was dead. She blamed Jill for everything. One night, Jill gets a letter from Gabriella saying that she wanted to talk in person to clear things up. Jill becomes hesistant to talk, but one of her friends said to her that the fact that Gabriella wants to talk means she's trying to give Jill a chance and that if Jill avoided her, Gabriella would hate her for life. The game got to me.

I wrote an apology email to my now-ex-friend, saying that I wanted to work things out. She replied by saying that friendships all end at some point and she didn't want me to contact her in any way, shape, or form. She also said that if I try to see her, she would call for legal protection. This was back in January of this year.

This ex-friend was at Anime NYC, working at Artists' Alley. I was up there with a female friend, saw her, and told my friend to go somewhere alongside Artists' Alley. She got the message since she knew my situation. She encouraged me to be in a good mood since I suddenly felt like I had an anxiety attack. I knew that there was a chance of seeing her since we both loved anime and manga a lot. I thought I was ready, but I wasn't. I did go back to Artists' Alley by myself to buy stuff, but I just avoided her because of the threat. The female friend who was there for me at Anime NYC texted me throughout the con asking if I was okay when we weren't together because she sensed how fragile I looked.

To tell you the truth, after that January, I thought about quitting the entire anime/manga community entirely. I had enough. Was it really worth it going through all this pain for fandom? I realized that I was trying to chase my own happiness at the cost of someone else's. I know people get told that everyone should strive for their own happiness, but I think some of that advice is a big fucking pile of horse shit because most people decide to hurt others without thinking about them by chasing after happiness. That's why I cut off my social media accounts for a while, but slowly came back. Going to Crunchyroll Expo was a big life saver for me since I didn't have to deal with potential East Coast drama. It was a new and different environment that I needed to be in.

At Anime NYC, I went to a panel called "Cosplay with Disabilities" on Saturday. It was very heavy as you can guess. They talked about not being judged by those who will never get you. I was going to bawl because there's a part of me that felt I was being judged all those months ago. But I was conflicted because I know I messed up the friendship. Some of my friends that knew about my ex-friend asked "Why would you still to talk to someone who indirectly made you want to kill yourself?" I wonder that myself. But I believe in the potential of people to redeem themselves, including myself.

I could avoid her, yeah. But I've come to realize that to avoid her is to basically get rid of a huge part of me that she helped unleash – my interest in embracing my love for 2D men, being sexually ambiguous, and wanting to do cosplay of female characters that I like. Around her, I was the real me. I was truly myself around her. A "me" that I've been accepting more and more over the years. She did something that I wish I can pay her back in some way. I still treasure the memories we had together over the years.

I'm a beta male deep down. I didn't mind girly things when I was little. I recalled watching The Little Mermaid on CBS in junior high with no worries, but when I told one boy that I liked it, he was like "Really?" with a look of disgust. I think that made me want to keep my feminine interests hidden in order not to be teased. Almost all of my best friends are women. Some of the current ones I have are all in the anime/manga fandom. I never found myself comfortable among alpha males. I had an alpha colleague who was always talking about Japanese prostitutes because I follow the adult film industry sometimes, but I found his talk so uncomfortable because I just absolutely hate talking about porn with most men. I actually like talking about it with women and they in return tell me some really dirty (and good) jokes, even better than men's.

I've been so influenced by the women that it's not even funny. My mother influenced me to learn how to cook, a woman influenced me to cosplay, a woman influenced me to do blogging, etc. I get harem jokes and sometimes I get flustered, but I've always felt that I'm a girl deep down inside a man's body.

That's why it's really hard for me to move on because this is happening in the community where I call my safe haven. I later read up on relationship loss/grief and how to deal with it. A lot of people don't know how to handle loss of anyone important to them. Another thing is that even the losses that seem insignificant can have a detrimental effect on someone's psyche. The most important lesson I learned from that research is that you may never fully move on. The pain will always be there. It will always hurt. You can do whatever you can to avoid it, but when it comes every now and then, you won't escape it. You can learn to let it go instead.

Because I fully accepted letting go, for the 1st time ever, I don't hate myself. I picked up on what flaws I had and addressed them. I read up on books about the flaws of "positive psychology" because that line of thinking was making me worse. Although it did cost me anime-viewing time, I made up for it by still reading a crap ton of manga. At the same time, I still want to be the kind person who still places others before himself (though more calmed down) that my old friend and many others like. It's scary when people tell you that you're different in a good way.

Though because of my ex-friend, I am now using the kindness & wisdom she's given me all those years towards me as a catalyst in what I'm secretly planning for the anime/manga community. I think now is the time to give back to the community in a way that goes beyond fandom drama. I want to let you all know that it's okay to cry over lost relationships even if you can't get over them. Take all the time you need and if anyone tells you otherwise, that's their opinion. If you've expanded your worldview in a productive manner like I have, you're trying and you're a winner to me.

I just want to say to my ex-friend when we ever run into each other again at next year's Anime NYC that I felt scared from her "legal protection" comment because I would rather grovel into a corner than go after someone. I would also forgive her because I know it's hard to handle certain kinds of people. I would also say that we don't need to be friends anymore, but if she knows someone who's an anime fan and has mental health troubles, that she can always point them towards me.

I would finally say that I will always, always love and respect her, no matter what.

[[UPDATE: I spoke to her recently via email. She said that I’m free to do what I like to. We’ll probably run into each other again some day. We may ignore each other, but I still want to be there for her if she asks for my help.]]

To all the women that I talk to in my life, I'm glad I'm friends/acquaintances with you all. Also, I'm so sorry for my actions regarding suicide and the ones taken on one of your own.

Thank you to anyone who’s read this far. I know it was heavy, but I felt this was something I want everyone to know about me going forward.

I will keep on observing and trying for everyone. If you have anything you want to say, you can email/message me. Comments are closed for this post.

#psychology #fandom #life #friendship #relationships #loss #Anime NYC

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