#lately I've been making one batch every week

[historia-vitae-magistras]

A lightee ask than usual but do you have any food or eating habit thoughts?

Ooohooohh, I did a whole ass seminar on the history of food. Failed it because I almost bled to death but I got to keep all the material! I've got.... a lot of thoughts and feelings about food culture. Too goddamn many, tbh. This got really long so I'll have to do a part two for other characters if wanted but lol enjoy.

Alfred:

 —Actually pretty gourmet little shit when he's got time and effort. He's made food Maria loves so often she has to give up on pretending she didn't enjoy it because fucking hell, he makes good chilaquiles after they've been drinking and fucking. There is, however, a non-zero chance he hasn't eaten a vegetable since the Nixon administration.

 —With that combustion engine metabolism, he's also perpetually hungry, so he eats whatever is around him. His guts do not like this, especially when it's a lot of dairy.

 —He has that kind of lactose intolerance that's tied to his health and stress, so if he's been particularly freaked out lately, he'll remind the world of his nuclear arsenal when he's got to use the toilet after that triple cheeseburger with a side of deep-fried cheese curds.

 —He's a stress eater too. He eats every negative emotion he's ever had especially when he's trying not to binge drink or do drugs.

 —He’s exceptionally food-motivated. They didn’t call one of his first major historical eras ‘the starving time’ without reason. He has preferences, but food is also food, and he’ll genuinely enjoy it in most forms as long as it's not rotten or otherwise godawful. Cowboy coffee and beans for ten days straight, and he will genuinely be the only man on that cow trail not sick of it by the end.

 —This also goes into why he’s so generous with food. He’s big on homemade food. He’ll make a whole big ass batch of like some sort of mac and cheese, and all the neighbours will get a big ol’ bowl of it with an ‘oh just return the Tupperware whenever,’ and it will genuinely be one of the best things they’ve ever eaten in their lives. Europeans recoil in horror, but our portion sizes are almost never single servings. It’s a generosity and hospitality practice except drinks. He really will down like a 2 liter of Slurpee in a single sitting.

 —He doesn’t mind eating alone. Actually prefers it sometimes. He loves eating in his car. American frontier culture, especially mountain men, had an often hyper-individualized, almost mythic culture of spending long periods alone in the woods and not being very sociable; thus a lot of situations where single servings were a thing, eating alone in quiet without something to do can be a real goddamn luxury.

 —He’s a really big protein guy with his metabolism. Sometimes exists on protein shakes but is more often a beef or barbeque or ham or alligator jerky. And a somewhat chunky Alfred is a healthy Alfred. A perfectly cut no flab Alfred is an Alfred who might be severely dehydrated and on several kinds of uppers.

 —He has better tastes than Arthur who didn't really realize food was supposed to taste good until like ten years ago but his combinations can be equally wild and unappetizing as they are batshit tasty.

—He loves spicy food. He's got so many opinions about hot sauces.

—He’s always hungry. If he isn’t hungry or turns down food, its genuinely a bad sign. If he turns down anything or just is just picking at it his food alarm bells should be sounding. He’s either about to declare war or puke all over the table or keel over dead. Peckish or food coma is his default state. Like if he was a smaller guy someone would say he’s got a binge disorder but he’s tall and beefy so he’s pretty okay.

 —Incredibly adventurous eater too. People will assume since there’s that old school culture of Anglo-American who eats the same 7 meals every week and might keel over dead if the meatloaf is slightly different he’ll be a bit hard to please but then he’s absolutely charmed by everything from Korean kimchi to Lithuanian Lašiniai.

 —He loves anyone who feeds him, just got to be a bit careful because he’s got surprisingly delicate stomach for the world superpower.

 —That American obsession with authencity means he’s surprisingly good at remembering people’s food culture or eating norms. He figured out chopsticks in ten seconds and quickly picked up the cues and manners of eating in any given culture. Still struggles with modulating his voice and personality, so he can often come across as rude, but he's so excited to do so. It's almost frustrating how happy he is to try and adapt to people around him and how happy he can be to fit in.

Matt:

 —He's a very good cook when he's putting in effort for other people, but he's not really like Alfred, who he'll make a whole ass meal for one just to relax on a Sunday.

 —He does tend to eat more vegetables than Alfred, but only because his northern vitamin deficiency has him binging them when he can afford them or they're available during the summer.

  —He can be weirdly picky on his own, but no one ever really needs to ask about his favourite food or how he likes anything because he always just goes with the flow around other people. “Just get me whatever you’re getting.” comes out of his mouth often.

 —There's a lot of sour cream/crema and yoghurt/coconut milk involved when he eats Mexican or Indian food for as much as he loves it.

 —Katya was singlehandedly responsible for his ability to maintain a normal weight during the 20th century by adding rye bread and perogies/vyrenki to his diet. He craves mushroom-umami flavours when he misses her, which is most of the time.

 —When he’s normal and eating the Anglo-North American diet, but he isn’t always eating it, he gets some strong sugar cravings, especially when he’s west of Manitoba. He’s as fond of birch syrup as a flavour as he is maple; there’s just less production. But the kind of deprivation he got and his own tendencies to not eat sometimes cause white sugar to just straight-up burns.

 —There's very much something of François to Matt's dietary habits, but less in his personal tastes and more in that he might be more sensitive to flavours. He has that kind of discerning and slightly oversensitive palate, but he’s a shitty perpetually broke frontier settler colony. He knows better/feels too guilty/is too embarrassed of himself to really indulge it.

 —He kept too much of his peasant communalism in his eating habits. Where Anglo-American communities did have a lot of cooperation, communal eating was a special occasion. The norm was based on the individual household. In contrast, French Canadian habitants still technically lived on medieval land plots and owed labour to a lord while also having a culture of seasonal male work, so Matt grew up used to communal ovens and eating most of his meals around others. Later, in Arthur’s jurisdiction, it was usually the same. He got a plate of whatever he was given, and it wasn’t something he had ever had to initiate himself.

 —Partially, he's sometimes exceptionally bad at eating when he has to choose to do it himself. Especially since the Americanization of the food culture took hold in the '80s and '90s. Whereas Alfred is food motivated from going without when he was little, Matt learned how to block out physical sensation until he collapsed because it was rare that someone, including himself, cared about what kind of state he was in. He just doesn’t eat at all when he’s stressed or anxious. And now it's his sole responsibility to do so as there aren’t the same community structures. He has a lot of Alfred’s abundance now, all the brunch and BBQ places anyone could ask for, but it hasn’t meshed with his eating habits. His people gave up so much of their communal eating in exchange for various choices and then wondered why they were so lonely. So he’ll just microwave a potato or a packet of Kraft dinner a day for a week straight and wonder why he feels dead because, technically, he did eat something. It’s seriously a miracle he got as tall as he did.

 —Feed him nothing but hardtack for three years, and he won't complain until he's dropped dead of scurvy. If Arthur puts some sort of godforsaken mixture of plum sauce or gin-infused spag bol in front of him, he’ll compliment it before he disassociates to get at least some of it down.

#the ask box || probis pateo #hws canada #hws america #meatsack mechanics || the sociology and biology of nations #matthew || my country is winter #alfred || o beautiful for spacious skies

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

I'm not sure why crispy chickpeas aren't everywhere as like a top ADHD snack because they are:

Delicious (so you will actually seek them out/want to eat them)

Crispy (a good stim for texture people)

Easy to make (super hands off, they just roast for like 30 minutes while you do something else)

Healthy (it's literally just beans! Such protein!)

Versatile (you can switch up the seasonings if you get tired of one flavor; you can also put them on/in a bunch of different dishes)

Cheap AF & forgiving of your timeline (a can of chickpeas won't go bad in your pantry if you don't have the energy to make something with them this week)

So here's the resippy.

Cooked chickpeas (I usually use one can)

Olive oil

Salt

Paprika or curry powder or rosemary or your favorite spice (optional)

Steps:

Drain and rinse your chickpeas.

Dump them onto a towel or paper towel and rub them dry a bit.

Remove any loose skins. If you're feeling extra you can remove all the skins; this makes them slightly crispier. I do not find this to be worth it.

Put them on a baking sheet (lined with parchment paper if you want to save yourself some cleanup). Toss with a drizzle of olive oil, a generous pinch or two of salt, and your seasoning.

Roast in your oven. I usually do 400°F for about 25-30 minutes, but this is pretty forgiving and you can do 425 for 20 minutes or whatever you want to do

Taste a chickpea. It should have an audible crunch. If it doesn't, put it back in until it does

When done, taste for seasoning and add any additional salt or seasoning you want. Proceed to devour them.

These are best fresh, but I still like them later on (if I don't eat them all right away). Store in an airtight container for a couple days at room temp or a few days in the fridge.

Enjoy!!

#adhd #adult adhd #adhd recipies #adhd tips #lately I've been making one batch every week #on Sunday or whenever my weekend is #they last me like. a couple days. if that #they're just so good #i put salt and smoked paprika on mine

[assortedfruitsnacks212]

Enemy Of My Enemy - An Eddie and Billy Fic

I can’t stop writing these two omg 😭 The setup:

Takes place between S2 and S3.

Eddie and his friends have been tortured all year by Jason and his goons.

✨ For @munsons-maiden ✨ If anyone else wants to be tagged in my Billy and Eddie fics, let me know!

As soon as Eddie got the call from Hargrove that morning, asking to meet in the usual place after school, he could tell something was up. Hargrove's voice wasn't as loud as it usually was. Hell, he sounded downright withdrawn. When Eddie hung up, he chuckled to himself, imagining all the stupid reasons the King of Hawkins High could have to be in a bad mood.

He got turned down by a girl. Or he lost a basketball game. Or both in the same weekend. Now that would fuckin' hurt. If Eddie knows anything about Billy Hargrove, it's that he can't stand losing—period.

So when Hargrove swaggers into the clearing with a cigarette in his mouth, a black eye, and a row of stitches in his right eyebrow, Eddie isn't surprised, exactly. But he still kind of is.

He sits up straight at the picnic table. "Holy shit, dude," he exclaims, then immediately regrets it.

Hargrove ignores him. Approaching the table, he sits down with a long, low sigh, the kind a man makes when he's had it up to here with people's bullshit.

"You got the goods?" he mumbles around his cig.

"Yup. Got a fresh batch over the weekend."

Hargrove fishes out his wallet and flips it open. Eddie glances down right as he's digging out a twenty.

"Oh, uh. Twenty-five for the half," Eddie says.

Hargrove looks up, plucking his cig out of his mouth. "Last time you said twenty."

"Economics, my dude. Prices go up and down with the market. I know, it's insanity."

A muscle twitches in Hargrove's jaw. With slow, measured movements, he pulls out the ragged bill and flashes it between his fingers.

"I only brought twenty," he says darkly.

Eddie glances between the money and the stitches in Hargrove's eyebrow. For a moment his survival instinct babbles at him to give in. Just give in this one time. Keep the king happy.

Then he shuts the lid of his lunchbox.

"Sorry. No can do."

Hargrove leans back, a cold gleam in his bruised eye.

"Your friends got money, right?" Eddie says. "Those rich SOBs on the basketball team? So hit 'em up and come back. I'll wait."

Hargrove closes his fist around the twenty, making it crinkle. Eddie's heart pounds, and his survival instinct starts babbling again. He's about to lose it. He’s had it up to here with the bullshit. Calm the beast before he kills you. Give in, give in!

He stymies it with a cocky smile.

"I'll even take change," he announces, gesturing expansively. "I'll sound like a jingle bell when I walk, but hey, what can I say? I'm feeling generous today."

Hargrove stares at him. Eddie tries not to wither under it, even though he knows he's being sized up, his weaknesses noted and tallied. Hargrove's good at that, making you feel like he can see every exposed artery, like they're all within reach of his razor-sharp claws.

Finally, Hargrove looks out at the woods. Eddie lets go of a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"I've got a better idea." Hargrove drags on his cig. "You give me the half for twenty. And I'll make your biggest problem go away."

Eddie frowns. Wait, what?

"My 'biggest problem'?" he asks.

"Jason Carver. His boys have been making school a living hell for your friends lately." Hargrove blows out smoke. "I'll make 'em stop."

Eddie's eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. "You'll make them stop?"

Hargrove glances at him with heavy-lidded eyes.

"It's that easy for you?" Eddie asks, his voice tight with disbelief.

Hargrove shrugs.

"And you'd do it for five dollars?"

"What can I say? I'm feeling generous today. Though maybe—" Hargrove licks his lip "—next time I show up with nothin' but a goddamn twenty to my name, you'll be more... charitable."

Eddie blinks, feeling dizzy, like he's standing on the edge of Wonderland. Jesus, Hargrove must be desperate. Last week he barely even acknowledged Eddie's existence. Now he's offering to change his friends' lives? The opportunity alone is worth way more than twenty percent off a bag of weed.

Eddie throws open his lunchbox.

"Shit, man," he says. "If you really deliver on this, I'll be the one getting the deal, not you."

Goods exchange hands. Eddie stuffs the money in his pocket. Hargrove tucks the bag in his jacket, springs up from the bench, and walks away.

Well shit, nice doing business with you, too.

Before he reaches the edge of the clearing, Eddie calls, "Hey, um. Can I ask you something?"

Hargrove stops and glances over his shoulder.

Eddie spreads his hands. "Why? I'm not the only schmuck with weed at this school. You could've found a cheaper price in half an hour. So—" he grins "—why the favor?"

Hargrove's look darkens to a glower.

"I fuckin' hate Jason Carver."

Shoving his cig in his mouth, he swaggers out of the clearing.

Eddie's grin fades. As Hargrove disappears into the trees, he closes his lunchbox, props his elbows on the table, and folds his hands together, thinking.

#billy hargrove #eddie munson #billy hargrove fic #eddie munson fic #stranger things fic #jason carver #assortedfruitsnacks212

[farmergilesofham]

The Vanguard Swimsuit Fic, Part 4: Ada-1

"Yo Ada, how's it hangin!"

Ada-1 looked up from the Loom's command console, taking in the unusually jolly-looking Guardian coming down the Annex stairs.

"Hello Guardian. Do you have need of my services?"

"Yeah a bit. I've got a few questions actually, so I'll start with the first: can the Loom produce Ether?"

Ada looked back at the Loom, considering the question for a moment. The ambient chittering of nearby Eliksni, once an unnoticed hum, died down to little more than a whisper. The massive steel arms of the Loom thrummed with power as they folded a fresh batch of Synthweave in on itself, the soon-to-be programmed matter tinkling like an ocean of quiet windchimes.

"Yes. I think it could make Ether, but we would need a lot of Glimmer, and a lot of Methane, too."

The room burst into a wave of excited chittering, as Dregs rushed from one side of the room to the other, making extra sure that everyone else had heard what they thought they had heard. The few human workers, tinkering with the processing systems below Ada's balcony, stared around in mixed wonder and confusion. Meanwhile, the Guardian's face had lit up in an incredulous smile.

"You're serious? You could actually make Ether??"

Ada looked stately as ever, unperturbed by the sudden chaos of the room.

"Yes. But, it would take more Glimmer than the Vanguard budget could possibly allow, and more material than I have reach to import. Not to mention the difficulty in acquiring that material to begin with. I'm afraid that short of a miracle, there is nothing I can realistically do."

Her voice cut through the excitement, stamping it out like a flood over a campfire. Previously-elated Eliskni's shoulders slumped, conversation lowered, and one Dreg simply sat down, hard, their legs giving out beneath them. Nobody moved to help. The silence rolled out like a cold blanket, enveloping everyone in the room.

The Guardian broke that silence with another question.

"Ada, d'you have any Black Armoury weapons left over - things you never ended up giving to Guardians?"

Ada shot them a stern look, before returning to her stately repose. This was a subject already extensively discussed, and immediately struck down on every occasion.

"No. No weapons, not anymore." "The most I could give you is a Sparrow model the late Ms. Holliday worked on, but never finished. You should know," she said, again doling out a good dose of her particular brand of side-eye, "that I've parted ways with making weapons of war, Guardian. Permanently."

The Guardian simply nodded, and continued unabated:

"That'll work. I'm going to go upstairs and talk to Zavala about organising a few things, including the possibility of something to do with this."

Ada cocked her head to the side in confusion.

"If you advertise to guardians that - by giving you a certain amount of material and Glimmer over a, say, three-week period - they can get a Black Armoury sparrow which had been personally worked on by Amanda before her death, I think you will see some significant interest."

Ada remained silent, pondering.

"Now, imagine that you tell the guardians who want to participate that what you need is Methane and Glimmer. They will move Heaven and Earth and several other places to get their hands on the last thing our favourite Shipwright worked on."

Ada dipped her head, just a little, conceding the point.

"...I see your reasoning, Guardian. Some preparatory work would need to be done, and the Sparrow would need to be finished, but such a plan could work."

The room exploded with noise. Ada flinched a little, as the volume in the workspace shot through several decibel ranges; having felt a nascent joy, then dark despair, then the thunder-gold of pure renewed jubilation, the Eliskni had all either burst into tears, or into song. The Guardian was smiling so widely it almost hurt, but they, too, were a halfstep from openly crying. Ada affected to take all this calmly, of course, but the shifting of her feet and trembling of her entwined fingers betrayed the ancient exo's true feelings. Everyone, even those who did not understand what had been said, could just as well have danced a jig together, were it not for the constraints of the room's elevation.

Not that that stopped a few particularly eager Eliksni workers, who went capering across the catwalks in the few more moments before, inevitably, Ada asked everyone to calm down a little.

The sound dimmed down again to a gentle murmur, but there was no way to banish the twinge of merriment from every audible voice.

"As I was saying, Guardian, some preparatory work still needs to be done. Since this is your idea, I entreat you to find me a suitable engineer, someone who can faithfully complete Amanda Holliday's work without losing the essence of her hand."

The Guardian's Ghost fizzled into a existence for a moment just to give Ada a wink - or whatever passes for a wink when one only has a single eye (a saucy blink? No, that's the name of an all-Warlock club in the Lower City). Turning to the Guardian, Pebbles just bubbled:

"Noted!"

...before vanishing in a theatrical puff of holographic smoke.

"Hey so on another note, wouldya like to be in a swimsuit calendar?"

The room went dead silent again, every ear straining to hear Ada's answer.

"A what?"

"A swimsuit calendar! You know, the sort where good-looking folk lounge around in photographs with barely anything on?" it had not seemed to occur to the Guardian that hearing this may have some kind of adverse effect on Ada, as they stepped back in surprise when the Loom's Architect gave a most unusual utterance. One could even say it sounded almost like a huff of indignation.

"Absolutely not! I am no exotic creature to be gawked at, Guardian! Out! Out I say!"

The rosy colour of the ancient exo's cheek under-lighting told a slightly different tale, but the Guardian was not about to argue and lose all the goodwill they had just gained from their Sparrow idea. With a nod and a bouncing of feet, they traipsed back up the stairs to the Annexe, leaving Ada to fume on her own.

Yet who would they bump into at the top of those stairs if not the Drifter, who stopped them and pulled the Guardian aside.

"Hey, hot shot, you know you don't have to rope me into this whole mess, right? Ole Drifter's gettin' a bit too old for this--"

"Nuh-huh Drifty, you're going on the front page~" The Guardian said with a wide grin, though their eyes flicked to something in the former Dredgen's hand.

Clasped not-so-tightly in his grip were what looked like brand new Tex Mechanica Sparrow keys, the leather tag still shiny under the lamplight.

"Like what you see, hero? It's yours if you ju--"

"Ooooooh absolutely not. You're not worming your way outta this one. I've already sent Eris and Elsie both a message, so you made extra sure you're there on the day, hear?"

The Drifter visibly wilted under the Guardian's jolly glare, and half-heartedly still tried to peddle the Sparrow at them, but to no avail. Away they went, leaving the grizzled troublemaker to his own thoughts, which went something along the lines of: I'm not getting out of this, am I? in a dejected little voice as Germaine mouthed the words.

----------

Some time later, Ada-1 heard the stomping footfalls of another Guardian, and was just about to politely request they leave her alone when she realised who it was that stumped awkwardly down the narrow descent.

Saint-14, walking with a gait that almost implied fear, if not at least great anxiety, came up to Ada and whispered something to her, in a voice so used to shouting that the words still echoed across the room.

Ada stood and just stared at him for a while, then said:

"Do you at least have his measurements?"

The legendary exo nodded, and passed her a bundle of clothing topped with sheet of paper bearing a few carefully-written sets of numbers.

"Well, alright."

This was going to be a long day.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

:D

Hello and welcome to chapter 4! This has taken a good deal longer to finish than I expected it to, mostly on account of some life stuff getting in the way. I hope you enjoyed the read, and we'll be rejoining our characters in...

Chapter 5: Taming the Wolf

If there's anything you'd like to see, or any character interaction you'd like to have appear, do send me an ask.

Aight that's all folks, see ya next time!

#destiny 2 #destiny the game #destiny titan #destiny guardians #destiny 2 lightfall #destiny fanfiction #destiny exo #bungie #the vanguard swimsuit fic #the big bad destiny calendar fic #destiny saint 14 #saint 14 #destiny osiris #014 #ada 1 #young wolf #fanfiction #destiny 2 fanfiction #destiny drifter #the drifter #Eliksni

[rising-volteccers]

12, carrying to bed, from one of the asks games you reblogged with any Volteccers you like !

Thank you very much for sending this prompt! I've been thinking on how I wanted to go about it before this idea came to mind! This is based on HZ008, a sort of what-if scene hehe.

Series: Pokemon Horizons

Characters: Friede, Captain Pikachu, Roy

--

While it's a shame that Murdock's latest batch of doughnuts hasn't borne fruit in enticing their resident tech-wiz to eat, Friede and Cap are all too happy to munch on the 'failures'. Reason 45 (he's continuously updating his mental list) on why Murdock's such an awesome cook; he just has a way with sweets that beats even some specialty shops. Mollie keeps a watchful eye on their budget so he doesn't get much opportunity to satisfy his sweet tooth when they head out to restock.

Thus when Murdock requests for his help in tweaking his doughnut recipe, Friede eagerly rises to the challenge.

So far they're into their second week of tests. Murdock goes at it pretty thoroughly, trying out different dough recipes, cooking methods and the glazes he puts on top. Every time the trio sneak into the kitchen to find an untouched plate, they'll munch on the leftovers so there's no evidence left behind about their nightly snacking. Friede then bounce around ideas with his friend until Murdock has an idea on what to change for tomorrow's batch.

Friede knows that Murdock worries deep down. Sure, Mollie's assured him that at the very least, Dot's getting her daily vitamin needs but as someone who's joy come from feeding others, it must be tearing him up on the inside. That's why he tries to lift his spirits by praising every single doughnut he and Cap munch on because they're genuinely that good. Friede hopes that Dot too will be tempted to try it out herself.

Until then, he'd be a liar if he claims not to enjoy the late night snacking. The sugar helps keep him awake when it's his turn to navigate the ship through the night, which just so happens to be today.

After giving his honest feedback, Friede bids Murdock goodnight before exiting the kitchen, Cap situated comfortably on his shoulder. He quietly walks down the small corridor (mindful of the spots that creak when stepped on) until he's back out on the deck.

Friede takes a moment to breathe in the cool air. It's a peaceful night with barely any clouds and the moon shining bright, perfect for navigation. Cap too mimics his action so Friede rubs his chin with a finger, grinning from the content sound his partner makes.

"Time to get to work, eh Cap?" he says, earning him a soft Pika! in return. Friede starts to make his way towards the captain's deck but pauses about halfway through. He stares for a moment, even briefly rubbing his eyes to make sure he's not seeing things. Nope. That's definitely Roy and Fuecoco fast asleep by the stairs leading up to his destination.

"Honestly, what on earth...?" Friede mutters, rubbing the back of his head before making his way over. Cap hops off his shoulder to reach the boy first.

Somehow, Roy's curled up with Fuecoco snugly in his arms, his back against the wooden wall. He looks like he's on slip away from tipping over and hitting his head against the edge of the stairs yet they're both snoring away, dead asleep.

Friede has many questions. After he gently steer Roy away from the kitchen, he thought that the he'll return back to bed. The captain's deck isn't near to his room so why he's here is a mystery, on top of how he appears to be deeply asleep in that uncomfortable position. Sometimes Friede sleeps in the captain's chair and it's awful for his back so he can't imagine how Roy manages it.

Nevertheless, Friede can't let him stay asleep here. If anything, being out in this cold air all night might get him sick (which sucks in his personal opinion cause then Mollie will insist on bedrest, something that he picture Roy and his boundless energy won't like).

Cap's trying to rouse the kid by gently poking his shoulder but aside from an initial twitch, it doesn't seem to cut it. Before his partner decides on a more electrifying awakening, Friede crouches down in front of Roy and gives his shoulder a gentle shake.

"Hey Roy, you're not supposed to sleep here," he says. Instead of waking up, Friede suddenly finds himself with Roy slump in his arms, still fast asleep. He stares down at the kid then sighs deeply. Really, is he this hard to wake up usually?

Friede thinks briefly before coming to a decision. Carefully, he slips an arm around Roy's shoulders and another slides underneath his knees. In one swift moment, Friede rises to his feet, taking a moment to adjust so the kid is secured in his arms. Roy's not too heavy even with Fuecoco still snoring away on his chest.

Quietly, Friede makes the short trip to Roy's room. Cap helps him open the door before he carefully enters, taking care not to bump the edges. Friede then gently sets Roy down on his bed while Cap pulls up the blanket to cover them up.

Roy simply nuzzles deeper into his pillow, tugging the blanket closer around himself and Fuecoco. If not for the way he smacks his lips prior to more snoring, Friede might have thought Roy's been awake all this time and is just pretending to be asleep so he can get a free carry back to his room.

Friede snorts at the thought, lightly shaking his head. Yeah right, Roy's not that kind of person. Kid doesn't have a mean bone in his body to pull off something like this. It does make him wonder if he's just accustom in sleeping at odd, uncomfortable places. Food for thought.

Cap scampers up his back to settle on his shoulder again. Well, he suppose that's that. Time to make his way towards the captain's deck again.

"Goodnight Roy," he utters, sporting a small, fond smile before closing the door behind him.

#Pokemon #Pokemon Horizons #Professor Friede #Roy (Pokemon) #Hana writes stuff #Thank you again for the prompt! #I know this was from the h/c list but my mind went here so have something cute instead :D

[sugareey-makes-stuff]

20 questions for fic writers!

Ooo, this look fun! Thanks for the tags, @lumosatnight (x) and @anaxandria-writes (x) ! This is going to be interesting since I've only started writing again a few years ago, so I'll do what I can to make this writing-centric. This is also probably going to be rambly AF, so you've been warned. And onwards!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

118 (39 are fics, and the rest is all art). That number will change because it's spooky season, and there are definitely some fun things being posted for that very soon.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

91,266, but if you exclude a couple of collabs where I only provided art, then it's down to 68,276. I have a few works that are hidden and haven't been "officially" released yet because these are the WIP text fics I've talked about before, and they need more TLC!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Harry Potter (31)

Teen Wolf (8)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Little did I know [HP: Perciver, T, 2.5k]

There's a guiding light [HP: Perciver, G, 1.5k]

Love me like that [HP: Perciver, T, 2.5k]

Help Me Out [TW: Sterek, E, 3.3k]

It's Enough For Now [TW: Sterek, G, 300 words w/ art]

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

You know what's funny? I had to take a break from answering for quite a while, and I just started replying back to comments to most recent works yesterday. So, progress! I really do want to show some appreciation to folks who have read and viewed my work, especially across multiple fandoms and ships over the last couple of months. The multi-fandom life is a tricky one to balance, but I'm hoping I can reply to a batch here or there when I have a chance to eventually get caught up with the backlog. If I haven't replied back yet, please note that I have read your lovely comment, but I just haven't had a chance to string together some words to say thank you! I cherish each and every comment I get, especially if I've made someone smile or their day a little brighter with my creations.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I've actually been in a whumpy phase lately, but I posted up The Walls Came Crashing Down (TW: Sterek, T, 4,242 words) maybe a couple of weeks ago because it's a Bloody Mary fic, and there was a near-death experience included. There's also so many terrible feels, crying and trauma after that happens. It's hopeful but yeah. I've been wanting make something like this for a long time, so I'm glad I finally did because it was such a fun and challenging fic to write (while keeping it at that exact word count :P).

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Navy and Gold (HP: Perciver, G, 900 words) for Cruel Summer Fic fest, because I was given a song that had a lot of fluffy family vibes, and that's usually what I don't write? But I turned it into a wedding ficlet, and I think I surprised myself because it came out really well. Especially in such few words!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've gotten some weird comments on both fic and art. More of the kind where someone wanted or expected a certain thing, or they were questioning that something was missing. Anyway, some friends have defended my honour or else tell me that those commenters weren't worth it, so I'm glad to have that kind of support!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Once upon a time I did not write PWPs. Ever since I came out of writing hibernation, PWPs have definitely slipped in. That's how I actually started writing more when I challenged myself to write drabbles for a smut workshop for Kinkuary. Now, I love writing sexy and kinky microfics and drabbles because they're short, quick and punchy. I've recently graduated to writing a couple of one shots (and heyyy, I'm actually working on a couple for Kinktober as we speak ;D). Kinkuary and Kinktober are usually my inspirations to get things written out anyway, but I'm open to other challenges too. There's a reason why A Study in Kink exists as an HP fic and art series. At this rate, I may need to make a new series for Sterek Sexy Stories. The amount of Sterek smut ideas I have kicking around in WIPs rn is kinda insane. But also, porn with feelings. <333

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Not in the traditional sense. The most I've done is add in fandom references into a fic. So for Teen Wolf, I've been adding in little elements from Supernatural, especially if I want to bring a certain type of lore or big bad into the scene. But that's it.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Thankfully, I haven't. Then again, I've only written short things these past few years (and I'm more concerned about art theft, considering how much of my art is out in the world).

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, I have not!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, I have! @crazybutgood and I got to know each other when we were paired up last year for the Owlery Exchange: To Days to Come and wrote I Just Want You To Know (Drarry, T, 3.5k) together. Epistolary fics are awesome btw! My Harry had a lot of fun bantering and bonding with her Draco, and I love how we didn't even know we were writing to each other until partners were revealed, and it was time for betaing and editing. That's how we became fast friends, which was totally meant to be! :D

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

That's just...I like a lot of ships, okay? I'm a multi-shipper and a multi-fandomer, so that's a tough question!! Hang on tight...this is going to be a long ass explanation. I'm not going to rank them, but I'll list three ships that have impacted my life in a huge way. I'll start with Sterek, because I've only gotten to know them for a little over a year. But Sterek was a blessing to discover at such a shitty time. Literally one year ago, I felt burnt out, like I was losing my muse, and I was recovering from COVID. Everything in RL kind of sucked. But when I got curious and started reading Sterek fics late one night, I was sold. Sterek helped me pause and get to know myself again as a creator, reader and a human. I really needed that, so the timing couldn't have been any better. I latched on to Sterek quickly and tightly because I see some of Stiles' and Derek's traits in me. They're also complicated and deserve Nice Things, and I can relate so, so much. That's why it's been easy to make art and fic for them. Their potential is endless because Sterek made my love for supernatural and spooky things deeper. Every time I write or draw for them, I can do it with ease and clarity. Everything just comes together and works. And it's so satisfying! Perciver is a rare pair I owe so much to. They're the ship that gave me the confidence to write again and they changed the way I currently draw. I think drawing Percy and Oliver helped me understand them as characters, and that translated into writing because I already had visuals. I know them in and out, and I made the fic series, Where do we go from here? because I believed in them. I wanted to share stories that haven't been told yet, but I wanted them to be real. And the fact I've figured out how to bring Perciver to life through art and fic has an amazing journey. They've given me the practice I needed to improve my crafts. It's because of Perciver that I've become a better artist and writer because I finally found my groove. And gosh, it's nice to have a well-established style. I will love these boys forever because they may be opposites but gods, do they go so well together. They get each other, they're each other's rocks, and it's beautiful. Of course, Drarry was my first ship I fell in love with. I still love them to pieces, and it's because of these two that I learned how to write and draw in the first place. I've been able to make some amazing friendships with other folks because of these two, and I cherish that a lot. Also, Drarry was why I entered fandom and the fest scene, and why I've stuck around for so long. What the creators in this community have made year after year is immaculate. And all the fics I've binged over the years got me through some of the hardest times of my life, especially when I was dealing with family issues, school and just growing up. I cannot imagine what life would have been like without Drarry, tbh. I think of Drarry as two sides of the same coin, and their banter and their snark and their complexities make it so they learn to understand each other. It's inevitable why they're drawn and will always be drawn to each other.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't want to say never, but more like when. I've mentioned way back in other posts that there are 2 text fics WIPs that have been kicking around, but since I have sooo much I need to rewrite and recode for each one, I have no idea when I'll have time? One of them is slotted to be a 50k Sterek fic with texting, IG messages and a scrolling playlist and I have half of it written out. Let me tell ya, coding alone takes more time than the writing. The other fic is a sequel to the above fic and has holidays vibes, and it still has the same coding setup, so yeah. I'll figure it out one day, I guess.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue is my fav and something I write out first because it shapes how the fic will read. It's how I develop voices, snark, banter and whatever else, and then I'll fill in the gaps with narrative, description and all that jazz. That's also how I end up getting the best ideas. The dialogue ends being my prompt to move the story along. I'm also a thorough researcher and like to check my facts before writing in little details. Just so I can have some perspective and so I have an idea how I want to explain something from a character's PoV. Also, it's super helpful to drop in little Easter eggs to shape things up and give a scene some context. Facts are fun. And I'm a nerd, but we all knew that. XD I've definitely gotten way better at showing vs. telling once I started writing again. I try to go for smooth or punchy if I can. It comes down to a lot of things like dialogue, selecting certain verbs and descriptors to explain a person's narrative (like what's going on in their mind), how those thoughts are broken up in multiple sentences and how those are punctuated. Those are the things that create beats and rhythms that keep the story going. And since I'm creative who also loves music and dancing, I'm all for that. I actually think I'm wired to think this way, so that's not a bad thing!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Extensive world building and making big plots that need a lot of ends tied up. I used to write longer fics that had all of this, and while I still have copies of these (not published on AO3 for reasons), they're not strong. Rereading things now, these stories could use improvements. It's easy to try to jam everything in one go, but that needs to be done strategically. And you know, sometime less is more. I also don't have a lot of patience to go crazy with intricate outlines (since I'm more of a pantser than a planner), and I've found that writing something that's super detailed ends up boxing me into a corner or else it's like dragging teeth to finish the thing. I think this is definitely related to my writing style having changed over time, which is not a bad thing! I just can't write like that anymore.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Yessss. I've done that with Love me like that! I also happen to know Scottish Gaelic, so I was able to drop words in pretty easily. I love the cultural sense another language adds to a fic because it shows more dimensions than just describing what someone looks like, where they're from, etc. I also like using a few words vs a long sentence. Names, or little sayings that hint at traditions or history are just nice touches. So if I do know a language and I know I can add in some words in correctly, I most certainly will!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter, specifically for Drarry (all of my older stuff is on LJ)

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Probably Feel You Breathing [TW: Sterek, E, 8.4k] because it was my 3rd attempt in writing a text fic, which ended up being a success. It's 100% texting, something I totally made for myself, but I'm really proud of it because I had a chance to write from alternating PoVs. Also, this somehow turned into porn with plot and feelings and had some minor world building included based on texts alone. I didn't think I could accomplish that, but I did!

Tagging (no pressure, this is just for funsies): @danpuff-ao3, @phdmama, @outtoshatter, @thistlecatfics, @phoebe-delia, @nanneramma, @theheadgirl, @raisesomehale, @thotpuppy, @bleepbloopbotz, @quackquackcey and anyone who wants to do this!

#asked and answered #sterek #perciver #drarry #tag game #20 questions for fic writers #ask meme #fanfic #writing #about me

[toadlett]

IMPORTANT OWL PEOPLE NEWS

I'm gonna be changing the update schedule for this comic!

I've always had some trouble keeping up with the page-per-week schedule, but lately my shifts at work have changed and I've reeeeally begun to feel the pressure of trying to keep up a rate of pages on this as well as the day job and paid illustration work and just having a life. Previously I've used hiatuses to let me catch up when things get tight, but that is only ever a temporary fix, and I want to be not scrabbling to get pages done every time, but instead taking the time to make this comic the best it can be. SO.

Starting after next week (the 16th), this comic will change to updating irregularly, one scene at a time. I'll post scenes when I have them all done, and announce them on all my social media. That means you'll get a little chunk of pages at a time, instead of isolated pages that don't really make much sense on their own.

Patreon supporters will continue to see pages ahead of time, with me posting batches as soon as I've finished them - I usually work in batches of 5 pages, but with this new schedule I might change that to just how many I can get done at a time, depending on my schedule. they won't go up scene-by-scene on my patreon, just as soon as available, and I tend to have some longer scenes so patrons will likely still be reading a bit ahead. Patrons will also still get to see process and advance looks at all my other work, as well as behind the scenes and extra owl people bits, so if that appeals please do consider supporting me!

I hope this isn't a huge bummer for people, but I've been weighing the pros and cons of this change for a while and think this is the best way to keep posting Owl People for free while still getting to make it as good a comic as I know it can be.

TLDR: Owl People is no longer updating 1 page a week, now it's gonna be one scene at a time, as and when they are finished!

#owl people #comic #webcomic

[declanlikesmusic]

Listening Highlights: Episode 001

August 13th to 20th, 2023

Hello! Just as soon as I've started a new series, I've decided to put it off and make a new series! (Expect this.) Trying to keep up with daily posts was simply not worth it. Much as I was so excited to kick that series off, I thankfully decided to turn it off before it became too much of a chore for me and I'm glad that I did. Because now, we have a different format to substitute it!

Welcome to Listening Highlights, where I go over what I've been listening to as of recently! There's no set time for each episode, I just talk about music when I feel Autistic enough to do it. I also wanted to be more selective with what I talk about this time around; for the most part, that didn't happen, I'm just so Autistic that I went over pretty much all of the past week. So let's go!

Drake – If You're Reading This It's Too Late (2015)

The first thing I listened to after the last Today's Listens episode, I spent that morning with the 6 God himself, the man behind such classics as Way 2 Sexy and that one line where he calls himself a lesbian. He's one of the most popular figures of music right now and it's to the point where either you detest his trajectory as one of the most bland musicians going or you're LosPollosTV. I'm in the former camp and I do not look forward to having to try out his latest records any time soon, but at least I have this mixtape to fall back on whenever I need a reminder that Drake can spit. This turned out surprisingly great & consistent. I especially loved most of the beats on here, especially the ones that were sampled on I'll Try Living Like This (a cool album & also vaporwave). The energy is great and Drake even has some touching vulnerable moments as well. I highly recommend it and probably no other Drake release.

7.8 / 10

Highlights: Legend, Energy, Know Yourself, No Tellin', Madonna, 6 God, Now & Forever, You & the 6

The rest of that day was not too interesting. I listened to Western Digital's lost signal, which was a decent vaporwave and broken transmission EP. I bring it up because its closing track, glowing (disintegration), is one of the most haunting, harrowing and almost hopeless pieces of plunderphonic music I have ever heard. I highly recommend it for that alone, it sounded like distantly watching the world burn and collapse in front of you while bunkered away. I then finally gave a listen to lilien rosarian's second album every flower in my garden, which I didn't care all too much for. As much as I appreciate the production & the pretty soundscapes, they felt much less like songs than her 2019 debut. After that, I took another very slow step in conquering waterfront dining's monotonous discography with the FEELS 感じている EP, which was actually his first release in general and not his debut album that I rated before. I cared for it even less; it was a much rougher batch of vaporwave that was particularly underproduced & repetitive.

billy woods & Kenny Segal – Maps (2023)

So I decided to go through with another 2023 release and this one I wasn't too particularly excited about. Abstract Hip Hop has been hit or miss for me most days and that's usually to do with the production, so when I heard that billy woods was joining up with producer Kenny Segal again after 2019's Hiding Places, I was even less thrilled at the idea, because I did not like that at all at the time and I only now think that album was okay. But holy shit, Maps blew my expectations way out of the water! The beats are far better here, by miles, the samples are awesome and the beat drums are consistently excellent. billy woods continues to be a great rapper but it's not usually the lyricism that sells a hip hop record to me. It's the production that helps make me wanna look into the lyrics and this album handily succeeds at letting billy shine like that. I came out of this record with so many favourites, way more memorable highlights across the board than on most other billy records I've heard so far. Extremely high recommendation, genuinely makes me feel like I've been missing something from billy's records all this time.

8.4 / 10

Highlights: Soft Landing, Soundcheck, Blue Smoke, Babylon by Bus, Year Zero, Baby Steps, The Layover, FaceTime, Houdini, Waiting Around

Skimming through some more albums here, you'll notice one of them is home to one of the biggest vaporwave & future funk songs of all time, Private Caller. This is SAINT PEPSI's split album with ショッピングワールドjp titled Winner's Circle. I wanted to give this another fair shake, just in case SP's overshadowing of JP's side comes off as undeserved. But no, that first side is genuinely some weak & weirdly produced mallsoft-ish vaporwave. Not my cup of tea in comparison to the great second half. Speaking of giving lower vaporwave albums a fair shake, when christtt tells you this is one of the best vaporwave albums of all time, it's always a coin flip as to whether that's even close. Careless Messenger Recordings✆ (division under Comtex)'s sole album Suddenly Mega is not close at all. It's one of the slowest & most lethargic listens I've had in a vaporwave album and some of its many cuts are especially poorly produced.

Skymmr – your new home (2017)

Back in 2017, there was this group of very tiny vaporwave & plunderphonics producers who were given the password to a Bandcamp page and told to run wild with it. It was a practice that, in many ways, was horrible in hindsight, with how shoddily it was managed and how toxic some of the people in the group were. But underneath all of the gunk they shoved out, one record by fellow Aussie Skymmr stood out as not only a captivating example of the extremely abstract ethos of the music released there, but also was great & conceptully fascinating. your new home is a 7-minute 7-part suite of experimental plunderphonics & vaporwave sound collage and it's very cryptic about this theme of entering a new home and it not being at all what it seems. The result is probably the only record of that collective I ever regularly came back to and it even held up for me today. It's not my highest recommendation, this is definitely a more personal thing to me, but if you're curious, do check it out.

8.4 / 10

Highlights: gazing through the window, the man in the bathroom pipe cleaning (he isn't what he says he is), isn't this your new home?

The next day, I felt like kicking off the morning with some metal and one of my girlfriend's highest recommendations was Between the Buried and Me's Colours. It was a damn great time with some incredibly high energy throughout. After that was Ariana Grande's Sweetener, not my first full-length experience with her music, but one that I decided to rate first here anyway thanks to my favourite discog diver. That evening, me and my girlfriend decided to do a discog diving listening party ourselves by listening to every song netbooks.WRLD publically released to Bandcamp, which amounted to only two and a half hours. It was an excellent time and constantly high energy & fun. I recommend his debut album ENDLESS STAIRCASE for getting into his currently short but incredibly promising catalogue.

The day after that, I slogged through DJ VLAD's frankly exhausting Hardvapour. double mix. It was an okay time with some highlights, but it frankly served as a reminder of why that submovement of vapour burned bright & fast with toxic fumes. A few months back, I was recommended You're Doomed. Be Nice. by Rob Crow's Gloomy Place and to my pleasant surprise, this was a genuinely great indie rock record. The riffs & choruses were shockingly well-written and pretty catchy, through my only gripe was how understated the majority of it sounded. Still, I fully loved my experience with that album, unlike Facade by one of vaporwave's earliest come-and-go producers Psychic LCD, which I only loved about half the time. This was a full detour into progressive electronic ambient music and hoo boy, it sure sounds like it. It's definitely an ambient album with hints of progressive electronic music. It's decent, but I just don't think it should necessarily be noticed.

stab something – the art of copyright infringement (2014)

The end of that day, I tackled the final multi-track release by the early 2010s duo of stab something, which comprised of then-upcoming vaporwave legend christtt alongside then-upcoming beloved trans songwriter & producer Jamie Paige. They went on their separate ways after this particular EP, but my god, at least it still they had the magic in them together. Their full-length self-titled album is frankly astounding; it's some of the creative, upbeat & fun glitch hop / plunderphonics records I have ever heard and while this EP is much more small-scaled by comparison, it continues what made the duo so good. It's only 15 minutes, 5 tracks but it's just as creative, upbeat & fun with glitch hop & plunderphonics as that album, albeit without fully-fledged cohesion, which is kind of in its nature. I dearly recommend both of these records, at least the sole album itself.

8.6 / 10

Highlights: in and out, cheesecake

What else have I heard this week? Well, there was this one time two vaportrap icons VAPERROR & COCAINEJESUS collaborated under the Love Potion duo moniker with their album XXX. That was amazing at the time and even now, it's still an incredibly consistent and great wave album. I also listened to non-canon by Late Arcane after hearing their great album PreQuel from this year. This was more of the same punchy and creatively chopped together vaporfunk that was provided there, although on first listen, it's a lot lesser for me by comparison. There was also the first of a series of EPs by Street Sects, Gentrification I. It was mid. Whatever magic they were forcing through on their debut album End Position might just be a fluke after all these years.

There's about five more records that I heard after that, but at this rate, I kinda don't want to say much about any of them? Not because they're bad, not really, I just cannot say any notable things about each of these records, not even as much as I already did the rest of these. I adore Everything Everything as a band, but A Fever Dream is easily one of their weakest efforts, even if it's still a bit great. This weird STAR GIRL alias I heard many years ago put out the weirdly fascinating RNBW EP almost a decade ago (what the fuck) and I decided to finally listen to its predecessor, STAR. It was much less captivating & interesting despite being kinda similar in concept.Rebecca Peake was another side-project of death's dynamic shroud members, but even when compiling songs from the first two months of recording a song every day for a year, The World's Strongest was so inconsistent that I can hardly tell you what to make of it. Bladee & Ecco2K's Crest was just not a good listen to my ears. There's a 9 minute song that felt like 6 different tracks, I had to check what I was listening to multiple times. Plus, aside from Ecco clearly singing the higher passages, for the most part, I could not tell these two apart. Call me a not-member of the Drain Gang, I guess. Finally of this batch, I checked out bodyline's ファンタジーモニター、which was another healthy serving of really deceptively simple but clearly well-produced vaporwave. I do love what they're often going for, but this was just barely my least favourite so far; still very damn good.

I wanna close out this retrospective with two albums. First being Anderson .Paak's Oxnard, which is in my opinion, one of the most underrated albums of the past decade. Not that .Paak is not popular, he clearly is, that Silk Sonic album was excellent, but before that, people were dying for another Malibu from this guy and while they ended up getting that in the form of Ventura, it was not before the music community got "let down" by Oxnard and they dragged the album for it. I think it's a great album with some excellent singing, rapping, songwriting and producing across the board. It was really slept on. Lastly, Blank Banshee just incredibly recently dropped his fifth mainline album 4D. I have a lot of thoughts that I don't even think are cohesive yet on just one listen of this brand new thing, so that's why I've decided to give it its own review on RateYourMusic that you can check out right here.

There you have it. Where I've been with music for the past week! Will I do something like this again? Hopefully! Will I talk about a full week's worth of music again? Hopefully not! Until then, stay safe and tie your shoes!

#listening highlights #music #music review #music recommendation #music community #hip hop #rap music #vaporwave music #electronic music #experimental music #plunderphonics #vaporwave #indie music #underground #pop music #r&b music #rock music #indie rock

[ofpineapplesanddawns]

"can i cross your boundaries just for the night?"

Lucian x Peter Vincent ♥️

Since I've been thinking about my little alchemist Peter au lately, I'm gonna put this with that au. :D

On with the fic!

--

Peter was giggling as he made some poor attempt to cling to Lucian's cloak, his feet stumbling through the soft dirt, still damp from the rain they had earlier in the day. Rain that was blamed on the human, since the village still believed him to be a witch, but they had no right to complain. Rain is good for crops.

Lucian sighed but coughed when the front of the cloak pulled against his throat and he had to adjust himself, then grab ahold of Peter, who nearly toppled over into the mud. "I thought you said you could handle your drinks."

"The beer ladies 've made a powerful batch this week, it seems!" Peter snorted and burst into laughter.

They had gone to the pub for a cooked meal that wasn't Peter's making, nor Charley's, since the boy was out of town to visit an ailing family member. While having their meal, Peter had taken to drinking a number of mugs of the local beer, and was now tipsier than he seemed to have anticipated.

He hiccuped, grinned, and clung tightly to Lucian. "I've got... herbs, 'r somethin' back home. You can brew me up, uh... oh, I might be a bit sick, world's... spinny."

Lucian sighed. "I told you that you were having too much. Give me a second." He lifted up Peter in one easy swoop, and the human gasped.

"Oooh, you're so fuckin' strong!" He looked him up and down with glossy eyes. "That's... that's so..." His surprised face turned into something a little more bedroom-eyed like.

The lycan decided not to address that and brought them home. He set Peter down on the bed near the fireplace and asked him what he needed to help sober him up a bit. With Peter drunkingly telling him with herbs to combine together with water, he brought over the cup.

Peter made a face, pinched his nose, and then drank it down in one go. Then he coughed hard. "Gods above, that shit's foul!"

"Did it work?" Lucian smiled, sitting down on the bed.

"Against my will, it did. Bleh." Peter got up, still a little unsteady on his feet, and grabbed for another drink of water. "Hey, uh, thanks for coming out with me tonight."

"It was nice spending time with you, it always is."

Peter looked over at him, smiling just a little, before coming back to sit next to him. Things between them have shifted recently, what with Peter's confession of feelings and all. Lucian wanted to take it slow, and things seemed to be going well, but all night he couldn't deny that he would very much like to kiss Peter.

It didn't help that he looked rather good with his cheeks flushed and his mouth constantly pulled back in a smile every time he looked at Lucian this evening.

"Peter," he started, licking his dry lips, "may I ask you something?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"I know I asked for you to please let me go at this with my own pace, considering..." He toyed with the necklace around his neck, "and I do appreciate what you're doing to allow me that. But... well, can I cross your boundaries just for the night?"

Peter blinked owlishly at him. "Huh?"

Lucian rolled his eyes. "Can I kiss you?"

"Oh. OH! Oh, yeah, yeah! You can totally kiss me! I've- I've been waitin' for you to make that move when you're ready! But you said just for the night, yeah?"

"Well, it terms if anything gets a little heated, I'm still not sure on everything yet, but I cannot deny that I do have trouble holding back when I am enthralled in the passions of kissing someone I care about."

Peter snorted. "You can just say that you get a little too into it sometimes, but that's fine. Again, we're goin' at your pace."

Lucian rolled his eyes again before smiling, leaning in close to the alchemist, and he finally pressed his lips against the other man's own.

--

The gentleman lycan, that's Lucian in my works.

#lucian x peter vincent #john's drabbles

[liz-and-the-blue-bird]

Good evening to me

Since I've gotten some new followers: "Good ___ to me" indicate long personal posts. You don't have to read them ofc, they're mostly for me down the line.

This is kind of a weird one, it's mostly reflective stuff today. I don't usually make these without a lot of negative or at least melancholic emotions to work through. Regardless, I want to stop writing about the recent ex, but a lot of this is going to be tangential to her, so she'll pop up a few times. However, I want to focus on some personal thoughts that I've been thinking about.

Here's a song.

Right at the end of February, I took an OCEAN test or a "Big Five Personality" test. This is actually unusual among personality tests, it is actually supported by Psych research. Results tend to not change over a long period of time, etc. etc. You can take it yourself here, and be sure to share with me your results! I'd love to see them. In the meantime, here are my results:

The Extraversion and Openness to experience being so high is unusual, I think. It means a lot of what makes me comfortable involves art and people, or perhaps as an extension of that, expressing myself and communicating. With this context in mind, I've started to look back at my personal history. Moments where I'm sad or melancholic, I tend to write. When I was very young, it started with poetry, but now it has evolved into these journal entries. And I guess the reason I prefer to make them public is because of that extraversion, that longing to communicate with people my ideas or emotion.

Speaking of, I found a bunch of old notebooks the first week of March. So I've been reading through them all. And by a lot, I mean a lot:

And then, even older notebooks.

You can tell these are older because I doodled things on them. I never doodle anymore.

The first batch, the moleskins and stuff like that are primarily journals. Or at the very least, notes on what happened. The one that is open actually started 4 days after the ex 8 years ago. After a week of being sad and noting every single thing that has been happening, it abruptly jumps 8 months to me complaining about something else because I was not a very consistent note taker.

Meanwhile the one with the bird on it is actually a poetry notebook, before I started preferring to write exclusively online aka in the tumblr editor. The last poem written in there is Sucks. Then I stopped writing poetry for a very long time, and a lot of my writing energy became these journal entries, as well as other stuff on this blog, usually regarding anime.

The older notebooks, the spirals, are pretty much all poetry notebooks back from middle school and early high school. Though there's a few where I just doodled a bunch. They date all the way back to end of middle school.

But the poems SUCK. Like they're REALLY BAD. Most of them are actually on DeviantArt however, so they actually had an audience. Had.

I enjoyed looking through them. Interestingly, a lot of the love poems in them are reference to my first first girlfriend in middle school/high school. There was even a photo of us from back then, which was a big surprise. I don't remember much from her other than, well, making out a lot. I liked making out. I still do, but it started there.

We were a problem. We made out on all the band trips home. We would be late to band practice because I had brought her to a quiet corner of the school to just make out with her straddling me or me grabbing her butt. We made out so much in the practice rooms that the band directors ended up putting up signs in the band room saying to limit PDA ("no purpling" I think is what they said).

But I digress. I don't know her anymore. And she has such a common name that I wouldn't be able to stalk her if I wanted to.

Here's an indie song I just learned about and have recently been obsessed with.

I already kind of feel normal. I have spikes down but I've started waking up at 7/10 instead of 3/10 and winding up. 7/10 is about my default state. 10/10 is like... On a date with a girlfriend who I know is excited to be with me. 1/10 is trying to decide if life is worth living. 7/10 is "would dance to One Direction if it started playing right now".

I had a moment about a month after the break up where I just had a really bad breakdown. It was a combination of some more bottled up thoughts about the relationship that I had trouble finding a reason to write down or tell anyone and how poorly I had been taking care of myself and my surroundings because of my mental state. And I told it all out to a very old friend of mine. She comforted me but she said something that has made me feel better the most since the break up happened.

"But the fact that you're here, telling me this in this moment, just shows how much you cared and how much you can care for people."

It made me feel better. A lot better.

My capacity to care.

I care about a lot of things, very deeply, and often for very little reason. Stuff like the most efficient route to work, or my specific boba order that tries to get the "most drink per drink." How I tend to pause and stare at the sky for no real reason other than it's there and I won't see another like it. How I overthink things and memorize useless things. But this is the first time that that I've been told and thus realized, that it is no weakness or weirdness.

It's a strength. It's just me. A tremendous capacity to care.

I've been holding on to that ever since. I hope I don't forget it. Because from my old poetry and journal entrees, I tend to let girls and myself gaslight me into thinking that me caring about them so much, "too much" is a fault of my own. It isn't.

It isn't. It isn't. It isn't.

It is simply me.

But anyway.

I've started talking to a new girl. I've made it clear I just got out of a relationship, just to be fair to her, and tbh I'm not super certain on her, but it feels like I just want to see where this goes. I just really really want to meet people right now.

I think I have always had this fetish for nostalgia. Where I couldn't fall in love with anyone who I hadn't known for a long time. I think I learned about this very recently, and was why I was so aromatic until I re-met the ex. When I realized it, I started thinking I needed to grow out of it in some way. Especially if I'm actively trying to meet someone new. It's not that I wouldn't open up to people, I've always been a chronic oversharer (see, um, this entire tumblr post series), but rather I wouldn't feel supremely comfortable with people until I knew them for years.

But then a friend told me that my music taste is nostalgia. After I linked her that song I just linked. Because a lot of songs I send to her have this nostalgic feeling, even between different bands, genres, languages. Sometimes it's sad nostalgia, sometimes it's happy nostalgia, but it's definitely a longing for something deep and sentimental.

And I had just learned about that song.

This changed my feelings towards my "nostalgia fetish." I don't think I am looking for people who I have known for years. It just so happens that lot of my closest friends are that because I'm old and that's just how friends are when you're old. But I think it's moreso I'm looking for someone who has this same sentimentality. This same depth of emotion when looking at something old or close to them. My fetish for nostalgia isn't nostalgia for the person, but nostalgia in the person.

At least, I hope so.

Whatever, I'm looking forward to meeting new people.

Last song.

Many years ago, I remember the first time I felt normal after that break up. It was like 10 or 11pm and I was bringing someone home. They lived in Round Rock but I lived in downtown Austin, since I was a UT student at the time. After dropping them off, I still had like a 20 minute drive and I had just learned that The Summer Set's album, Legendary, had a deluxe edition, which that song I just linked is a part of. I look them up on youtube and hit play.

And on that drive home I found peace, somehow. I remember stopping before getting to the highway, next to a unkempt grassy field, and standing there, looking at the sky. I missed the sky and stars. I missed that hour drive home from her house when it was getting dark and you could see the constellations because I was between 2 medium sized cities. I missed that bumpy road that seemed perpetually under construction and twisted and winded and didn't make sense. I was a lonely boy who didn't have a place that felt like home and didn't know where he was going to end up. But I knew and, at least in that moment, was fine with it.

I still am that boy. But that constantly under construction road got finished in the past 8 years. That starry sky was gone, I noticed, from our drives to Austin together—too many small towns and buildings had popped up, too much light pollution. I thought I found a place person like home but it was a dusty extended stay motel that I ended up staying at for 5 months, with too high of a rent and a crummy landlord.

Last time I felt over her, I remember saying that my daydreams no longer had a girl on my shoulder. I felt really aromatic. Really antisocial. I became an island. And I don't know if I'm trying to replace her or what, but I don't think that will happen this time. I might be fine without a partner, but I know I am better with one. I know I'm ready.

For anything, really.

#the kyoukai no kanata gifs are important to me too #for some reason i associate it deeply with college and the ex #i have weird associations i think #i mean i describe songs with taste flavors #when i was in uni i made playlists named after drinks #anyway i digress #to me #this might be the last one for a while #thank you everyone who spends the time reading these #as well as anyone who just spends time interacting with me #i consider you all friends

[brightgnosis]

I've been tossing about the idea of making my own skin lotions- mostly emulsified Vanishing and Cold Creams- since finding an old 1920's Drugstore Formulary from when you could still pop down to the Pharmacist and have them make one up for you.

We've pretty much figured out at this point that whatever is causing the reactions I'm having with skin products is the preservatives and stabilizers. And that's by no means a complaint that they're in products. They need to be, in order for the products to be shelf stable; it's a good thing they're in there ... But unfortunately that does mean I can't use them now, because I can't really separate those out out in the same way that I could scents, or anything like that.

I don't live in an area, either, where I have consistent enough options to buy "more natural" options that'd be in the range of "more preservative free" (and I hate ordering online where I can't smell the product, etc, first) ... Plus, honestly the "more natural" options are often even worse on my skin anyways, because they often contain Essential Oils in high quantities --- and I really don't know who needs to hear this, but most Essential Oils are skin sensitizing.

This basically just leaves me with "sensitive skin" options. Those, for some strange reason I haven't figured out yet- but which I'm starting to think may be the Colloidal Oatmeal in some of them- are sometimes horrifically textured and give me the "nope nope" feels (texture aversion) when using them. And they're virtually all unscented. Most scent really isn't my problem, though- especially not in the right quantities; I shouldn't have to suffer with unscented lotion for the rest of my life because people still haven't figured out how to give us proper options?

Looking through these old formularies, however ... The most common products are all pretty simple to an extent. Especially Cold Creams- which I already use and love to an extent anyways (doubly so now that I'm on like 3 medications that dehydrate the demons out of my skin, and the amount of water I drink has zero effect on it); it's literally just and emulsified mixture of a Water, some Beeswax, a bit of Borax, and an Oil.

The Borax can be left out entirely (and was; Borax didn't begin to appear until the late end of Cold Creams' life) --- or Sodium Bicarbonate (literally Baking Soda) can be substituted for it and it works just as well. And there's plenty of options for both the liquid and oils I could use, so I'm not tied down to anything if I feel like I want to switch it up. That's especially true today when we have a larger range of options on a larger scale than what was available back then; I could even use something like my Pine Oil (Olive Oil base, which is fairly traditional) that I made up for my Pain if I really wanted to get whacky. And Essential Oils were also a common additive in very small quantities in some formulations.

The only major complaint is that the old formulations weeped (water separation) and weren't that stable- or shelf stable- prior to the use of Petroleum products. And honestly I don't really care about the weeping? A lot of that gets solved by using a modern blender during the emulsification process, and by using modern refined products; what we have access to is much higher quality even at the baseline of availability thanks to better technology as a baseline. And you'd be surprised what that actually solves in its own right. What it doesn't solve, I just don't care about.

The shelf stability part isn't much of an issue, either, and they already talk about how to solve that in the literature anyways: I can just make myself small batches, and make it up once every couple of weeks; it only takes about 20 minutes to an hour each time now from what I've seen of other people making them. And with modern materials, that's not a very labor intensive process? If I wanted to, depending on how I stored it and what the shelf life really wound up being (since no one seems to be able to really give a good answer) I could even wrap that up as part of my Esbats, since I already re-make my water for the Blessing of the Head then, too.

Anyways, the major actual-use complaint is that the old formulations are greasy. Which is honestly a part of the point since they were meant to be put on and then wiped off. But this, once again, can really be fixed (at least partially) by picking oils with better skin absorption rates in the first place. Because, again, we know better now; skincare science has improved drastically, and we can use that to improve the old formulations for better results, even if we're still using the old method of creation.

In that regard, it's most common now to substitute older ingredients like Spermaceti with Sweet Almond Oil. And in general, Sweet Almond, Jojoba, and Olive Oil are believed by most people now to have the best skin absorption rates; bonus points for Jojoba actually technically being a wax, and so potentially being more stabilizing than either of the other two for an emulsified mixture. So not actually a bad call, there ... Unfortunately, however, they all have a true absorption rate of 3, which is actually about a medium on the scale; Coconut Oil, which is considered "the best" and all the rage right now, is actually worse than them with a rating of 4.

The worst rating you can get altogether is a 5- meaning it has the slowest absorption rate and largest molecules; just to put things into perspective.

Since I don't actually want to wipe these off "like you're supposed to" ... If I'm looking for something that will absorb faster and will cut the surface "greasy" feeling of the cold creams that was commonly complained about regarding the old formulations? It might actually be worth investing in a higher quality oil with a much faster skin absorption rate once I figure out what I'm doing. And that's actually oils like Hazelnut, Grapeseed, Abyssinian, Camellia, Rose Hip, Castor Oil, and Safflower.

And now that I look at that list, I realize that's all pretty much the blend that makes up my favorite body oil I already use that does so well on my skin, ha. So it looks like I'm actually on the right track research wise, even just in the theoretical stage (I love having just enough knowledge to form a hypothesis and then it looks to be right; such a good feeling) ... But I can see why it's usually blended, considering some of these prices- looking them up right now- are kind of expensive. Still, if it means a lotion I can actually use finally without my skin burning? It's worth it.

It'd be fairly cheap to get started initially, though ... Just about $40 for a small batch of the most basic Sweet Almond Oil, Rose Water, and Beeswax to figure it out and get the hang of things first; to see if it's even feasible for me to actually do for myself. If I can, though ... Ohohohohoh.

#Personal #2022 #Face & Body #Alphabet Soup #Scent & Senses #Herbalism #Fibromyalgia

[singsweetmelodies]

hi! just wanted to let you know that your writing is amazing and love's a game, wanna play? is a new favorite! even unfinished i feel like it's a masterpiece and i just thought you deserved some love so i hope you have a good day/week/time ahead you!!

awwwww, BLESS you, anon 😭❤️❤️ I have been opening Tumblr and coming into my inbox to stare at this ask like "🥺🥺🥺" for the past two days or so - you are just the SWEETEST! love's a game/the fake dating au is my baby, so every compliment about it turns me into a walking version of this meme:

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! and ahhh, let me take this moment to just say: yes, I know I've been terribly behind on posting chapters lately, but I can promise you that I'm not abandoning the fic or leaving it unfinished. never!! as soon as I finish this batch of deadlines I'm currently working for, I will make fake dating au my priority again ❤️ teehee! especially because the next chapter is such a fun one 😉 I was opening my WIP document for it again yesterday, and making myself have a good cackle, so if you want, I can give you a tiny sneak peek for what's ahead 🤭😍

#asks & answers #anon #wip: love's a game

[avaguenotion]

10/29/2023 - i didn't quit.

Here we are on this Sunday the 29th of October and I can surely say that I have no quit my job at Target yet. Although today is the first day I cancelled a shift - I woke up way early in the morning around 3ish and my body was just so sore and I felt so constricted and overwhelmed that I chose - with great reluctance - to cancel my shift via the computer software "mytime." This is not something I want to do often and I really did hesitate for a while but ultimately I accepted that I just needed this day to rest before I go back again. Yesterday I worked with a new manager named Zack and he seemed pretty cool from what interactions I had with him. Only that he kept pressuring me - with good reason - to be more mindful of the time I had for my order. I ended up being way late on my GM pickup batch and I had to cut it short. It does make me feel bad when things like that happen but something about me is a little more tolerant and indifferent. I know that way back before medications stuff like that would have pushed me over the edge but now I kind of sit with it. I just accept it as something that happened and live with that slight disturbance but ultimately accept that they have not chosen to fire me yet and I have not chosen to quit so there really is nothing to be done other than to try harder next time. I really liked working on the "ship from store" order more than the "pick ups" because there was no time. Sure moving quickly is important but there really is no actual clock counting down the time. After this week I'm scheduled for a 30 hour week and then a 35 hour week which are both outside of my requested weekly hours. I think I can live with the 30 hour week but the 35 one is going to be insane. I'll probably talk to someone from HR about this soon. That's work...... Aside from that there's the general feeling of uncertainty I have about my future. It's so subtle and no one will understand unless they've been on these drugs but the level of apathy and amotivation that comes with antipsychotics really does make setting goals and taking initiative harder. I have truly lost a significant amount of my interest in science, math, and physics as well as my creative writing, drawing. The only thing that remains more intact is my interest in music and even that ebbs and flows. I don't know. I also had court last Friday on the 27th and the new judge is a bit more intense than the old one. They want that report from Anne Klein done ASAP which means some inpatient hospital time. The judge also wants to see me every 2 weeks until then I suppose. Finally, a report from my psychiatrist about my general well being I guess. A lot has happened since I've returned from florida. Day by day I reckon.

#daily #schizoaffective #life #music #court #abilify #muslim #target #work #the mars revolver #journal #writing #muslim writers

[bonesandblood-sunandmoon]

In case I scroll back through this tag [health and medical] next summer, I want to make a note of this. [For posterity: This is being posted on 22 September 2023.]

I've been reacting to something - possibly more than one thing - on and off this summer.

I first noticed it when eating a non-spicy salsa where I was the only one who tasted a bit of spice [1], and due to the timing of this during a high grass pollen week, I'm guessing that it might have been a bit of oral allergy syndrome (OAS), or pollen-food allergy syndrome (PFAS), around grass pollen and tomatoes.

I don't usually eat uncooked tomatoes, since I've always not liked the taste and texture of raw tomatoes since I was a kid. However, salsa is an exception to that, so I may want to keep this in mind if I happen to try to eat salsa during the next grass pollen season. (Or a high pollen day or perhaps the peak.)

Given that I wasn't eating a solitary food item, I'm mostly guessing that I was reacting to the tomatoes. I've been helping a relative who couldn't tend to their tomato plants this summer (so they're a tall and rather large intertwined tomato mass), and I've also noticed a not guaranteed but occasional skin reaction to really getting in among the vines. It looks like a slightly pink rash moreso than hives, and it doesn't burn. There might be a little itching several hours later, but taking Benadryl makes it stop. (Given that tomato picking overlaps to some degree with pollen season, I guessed it was more of this maybe/maybe not allergy reaction thing.)

However, I've also noticed that some absolutely unspicy pre-packaged food items [2] have occasionally tasted a bit spicy this summer. It hasn't been one particular item, but I've just noticed that it's been pre-packaged baked goods that don't have a ton of extras to possibly be reacting to. The first time, I wasn't sure if I was maybe reacting to the sunflower oil, but I don't think the oil type's been consistent across all of the items.

It didn't seem to be happening at the exact time as the possible tomato stuff, and it didn't even happen consistently every time I ate a particular food item. So, I'm not really sure what was going on with that, and I honestly don't know if it's going to continue after the main late summer/fall allergy season ends. (Or, worse case, if it randomly continues year round.)

I'm just putting a mental pin in that.

[1] This salsa has been approved as non-spicy by a relative who reacts to peppers, so there wasn't a high chance that this batch just happened to have actual spice. I think it's pretty much just tomatoes, onions, and a touch of cilantro.

[2] I'm talking like a little chocolate cake that doesn't have anything with heat (like a salsa could conceivably have).

#health and medical tag

[dzpenumbra]

7/28/23

Alright. 3AM and here I am. I got a full night's sleep last night. Waking up and seeing the afternoon light was a relief. I'm hoping that will soon be... a thing of the past.

Let me elaborate. I had therapy today. I timed the start of my day so that I didn't do yoga or anything before therapy, I actually pretty much started my day with it. I did dishes and broke out my brand new teapot to make a pot of jasmine tea. I thawed some frozen strawberries - this bag unfortunately was not a great batch. I ate a bowl of cereal and played Mini Motorways for a bit. But the big thing was... I started my day with therapy.

The teapot... was a bit of a mistake, to be honest. Not in getting it, it will be a perfect addition when I finally do literally anything social in-person at my house. Something I had given up on ages ago in the past. But... what noticed today was that... just drinking two cups of tea was... too much. I got too much caffeine in my system from just two cups of tea. How fucking crazy is that. After only a couple days of not even a cold-turkey caffeine detox, just cutting down from a pot of black coffee to one cup of tea. The difference was staggering. I guarantee 2 weeks ago I could've drank the entire pot of tea and barely felt anything.

So, that's a thing I need to be mindful of. I made a point to go into therapy without a plan today. I was curious to see what would come out of it naturally. Unsurprisingly, some stuff from my journal entry last night about my social anxiety and panic and its origins/maturation and all that came up. But a surprising amount of stuff about... sleep. My lack of sleep, sleep interruption, my sleep schedule, what I've historically done about sleep. He made sure to be very delicate about it, but was urging me to try to bring my sleep schedule back a bit. And honestly, I want to. I genuinely don't know what's holding me back.

I say this at 3AM. 3AM is a very normal time for me to be awake. I just spent like 15 minutes in my kitchen cleaning my stove and washing dishes, and I had to actively stop myself. These late-night/early morning hours are very unique, hours that the layman rarely sees at any point in their life. Fucking think about that, how weird is that? The average person, in fact... the vast majority of people... can go their whole lives and only see between 2-4AM a handful of times. On super rare occasions, like being sick or having nightmares or if they have an infant child that needs care, or in extreme emergencies, or a super quick bathroom sprint. And I've seen that entire stretch from midnight to dawn every fucking day for well over 4 years. Every day. It's where almost every one of these journal entries was written, it's where a lot of my artwork has been made.

So... why? Why? XD Why do I sleep during the day... and stay up until dawn? I. Don't. Know.

I legit asked my therapist directly to please help me explore this next week. I honestly don't know. I'm struggling to connect the dots. Is this a thing like, "well, I just drink caffeine, don't ask me why... it's just what I do"? Is it because it's insanely quiet and still - like just the sounds of the occasional cricket or the rare nocturnal hunt? Is it because everyone else is asleep, and I'm... avoiding them? Meaning like... I finally have the world to myself and won't be bothered? ... I don't know, because I really don't have the world to myself... I have to be super quiet during the night. It's one thing to be loud and shit during the day... it's a whole other ball-game to disturb your neighbors at 3AM. Am I afraid of going to sleep in the dark? Genuinely unsure on that one. I don't really feel like I am. And I have night lights... I think it might just be... unfamiliar. Like working out was.

Here's an interesting thought I had earlier... am I sleeping during the day because that's when people aren't in the building? ... Like... everyone is away during the day, at their jobs or school or whatever. So... that's the time when the building is the emptiest. Can I like... sense (subconsciously) the presence of this many people in close proximity to me? And like... maybe when I'm sleeping, do I feel safer when I'm around less people? It's an interesting angle, but I don't know.

Or is it really not this complicated. I really think it might be as simple as... I'm just not used to sleeping at night. And I really have no dire need to be awake at a certain hour... Though it would be convenient, I would have plenty of time to skate, without having to rush. I could take day trips to the lake or the beach or go explore weird hippie shops and shit. I could go on adventures. I could go be out in the world! But when am I going to do 4-hours straight of painting? How do I fit that into my day, too?

Yeah, maybe there isn't some big subconscious reasoning. Maybe it's just... what I got used to. Maybe dawn is the only marker because... its the only timekeeper I listen to. When I see 4AM, it doesn't mean much to me. When I see the sun coming up, I go... "oh shit, yeah, I gotta wrap it up." I guess kinda like what sunset is for a lot of people.

So yeah, maybe this is just a matter of habit. Just a super big and super broad habit.

I had to remind myself today that in 2019, I was living in a house with 11 other people. I was sharing a room, first with one other person almost 10 years older than me, then with 2 people 10 years younger. It was super alien and uncomfortable and I struggled with it a lot, but I managed to make it work enough to function and adjusted surprisingly quickly. I had some sleep struggles there, but only because I was staying up until 2AM. That's peanuts compared to what I'm doing now. Back then, I was waking up at around 8 or 9 so I could make a 10AM appointment 2 times a week. But I was steadily waking up in AM. And that was not that long ago... it was only... 4... years ago... Damn, the pandemic really fucked up time, didn't it.

So... I guess a lot of my big dramatic problems are... still residual pandemic problems. Scared to be in close proximity to other people, and kinda masking that as... don't want to be "overwhelmed emotionally"... or "don't want to involuntarily do something to offend people". Maybe my panic brain is bringing that shit out because it knows I'll listen. When really... it's "I don't want to get sick and die." Because... people just don't talk about the virus anymore, like it just doesn't fucking exist. Like it just went away. And I don't have social interactions, so... I'm kinda... frozen in time? And I never evolved new social habits because... I don't have anyone else built in to practice with. So... I guess I'm kinda still in quarantine, kinda?

I mean... I'm vaccinated so I don't really know what I'm worried about. I'm just... I haven't really been to any kind of in-person thing involving more than just family members in almost 4 years. I've been to doctors, I've been to therapy, I've gone to dinner with family. I don't know, I haven't like... hung out with a group of people since before the pandemic. And it's super alien, and... that same word keeps coming up over and over and over - overwhelming. The idea of it is overwhelming. But I crave it so much. And it's essential for my personal and professional growth.

I used to go to concerts at small venues where you'd just be packed in there like sardines, feeling the energy of the crowd. Now? No way in hell I'd do that. I might stand on the side by the wall and listen to the music... Huh... Maybe this is pandemic shit.

I've been trying to put this in context of why I have been skipping and kinda avoiding... excusing myself... from going to these regular live model drawing sessions at the art collective a block away from my apartment. I've known about and missed 2 drawing sessions and a small concert to raise money for flood victims. Let me just uncork the old noggin real quick and unload all the reasons I came up with to not go. So I can hear how exaggerated (I wanted to say "stupid" but I'm really trying not to beat myself up so much) they are.

I didn't want to go because I haven't done figure drawing, let alone figure drawing from life... in a very long time. Like... since college. I did some figure drawing studies in 2020 and 2021, from photographs. I haven't done figure drawing from life since college. And... yeah, honestly? I think that's the big bad one. I'm a tiny bit self-conscious about how I smell because I stopped wearing deodorant like 6 years ago, it kept fucking with my skin and I don't like the idea of putting weird chemicals into my skin when I don't really know what effects they'll have, especially for cosmetic purposes. But I'm really not that concerned about that one, I mean... if I'm wearing beads and hemp jewelry, you can expect a little B.O. and you can get the fuck over yourself, you stink too. We all do. And I make sure I shower and perfume very soon before being around people, so I really don't think that's an issue, it's never been brought to my attention as being a big one. I am a bit self-conscious about my skin condition. It's like acne, but all over my scalp to varying degrees, in addition to some face acne. I have been self-conscious about this for a while. But I just can't bring myself to wear a hat to hide it. I just can't allow myself that crutch, it feels like giving a loaded gun to my shame. And I've been going out regularly and honestly, once I get out there I really don't think about it. On my last walk, I had mosquitos fucking gravitating towards them because they're like radar beacons of heat, but I passed by several people and the insecurity really didn't linger in my head more than a fleeting thought. If someone's going to judge me for something I can't help, when I can't even get a doctor's appointment until December? They can fuck off. I've been a little afraid that I might... be socially awkward? From just... lack of practice... But my therapy sessions prove that completely wrong... and my interactions with the girl who works for the building and the maintenance guy prove that wrong. And streaming does too. And my passing body-language interactions with people in the world prove that wrong. I'm just... kinda in my own world out there. But not in an anti-social way. In the way that a 7 year old is in their own world, because they're just utterly fascinated by the shape of these leaves over here... or this rock they found... but if you approach them, they're cool with chatting. Hell, they'll tell you all about it! So... I'm not so much insecure about my ability to communicate... I'm just worried that I won't make the most out of the opportunity. That I will meet some people but... not connect, not have it turn into friends. Because I'm too passive. I don't know.

So... of all of that... I think the insecurity about my drawing ability... and my insecurity with being too passive and just sorta... being at the school dance but standing on the sidelines and waiting for someone to approach me? Because I'm a bit shy...? Those are the big ones. The others are kinda just fleeting thoughts. How to address this? If I make figure drawing an anatomical study... or a study of breaking down the body into simple interrelated shapes... I could go on, you get what I mean? If I make this a study... rather than... I'm here to show these people my chops... as though I have to... impress them or something? First impression moments, man... that's gotta be what this is. Ugh... But yeah, if I focus on treating this as an opportunity to learn about anatomical structures... like trying to draw the person's skeleton rather than their skin... or their muscle structures in certain parts of their body that are flexed or rotated when they're in specific poses. Or just breaking down complex forms into simpler shapes so I can sorta... develop gestural shortcuts for future figure drawing... Then this can be sort of an... autodidactic class. A class where I'm teaching myself. Not just me showing up and being this incredibly talented artist and drawing the person and then people look at it and go "wow, that's really good" and I get embarrassed and proud at the same time. Good lord, engaging with these anxieties is so fucking important, this paragraph has turned me completely 180 on this. I absolutely can see the value in going to that drawing session now, it's worth well more than $15 for 2 hours. Plus, I get to potentially meet new people.

See... that's what I did. I put too much emphasis on meeting new people and making a good impression. If I have a secondary goal... I can come out of there with a win no matter what. Not that it's winning or losing... but I hope you know what I mean. If I go there with the exclusive goal of making new friends... there's a good chance that even if it goes well, I might not make a new best friend. And that puts a ton of invisible pressure on myself and on other people, that they're not even aware of. I really should be going for the experience. And make an effort to socialize. But really... just get an experience.

Goddamn. I'm just like... the concept of walking up to a stranger, or a group of strangers, at a trivia night at a bar? That shit is so fucking alien to me right now. I just immediately get a huge reflex that just starts laughing at the absurdity of that. Me. Walking up to a beautiful woman at a bar and asking to buy her a drink. XD Right... I'm in the corner booth sitting crosslegged on the bench seat drawing zentangles on a coaster. That's the character I am. I don't like being that forward. It makes me uncomfortable.

And yet... I rely on others to be that forward... Figure that one out... XD

I'm just gonna explore this one before I turn in, I really want to get a shower in before I go to bed. The time before last at the skatepark, a kid came by. I say kid, he was probably in his early 20's. He was on the other side of the park the entire time. I had headphones in, he had headphones in. He stayed on his side of the park, I stayed on mine. (To be fair, the only obstacles I wanted to skate were on the side I was on.) We didn't speak the entire time. We barely made eye contact. Can I... challenge myself... next time I'm at the skatepark... to go up to someone specifically for the purpose of saying hi? To introduce myself? I mean, I wave to passersby a lot. I smile a ton. I feel like I'm approachable enough. I wonder if I could challenge myself, set some goals... to like... go up to strangers and introduce myself and get to know something about them. Without "being weird" about it, since that keeps popping up in my head.

I did not grow up with good role models for this. But I know how to do it. I've done it in the past. And I really need to remember this part. I have done it in the past and it did not go poorly. It's just very alien to me, and it's not something I have really identified as behavior I would do. Like sending food back at a restaurant, or returning something I bought, or getting something fixed by my landlord. They are things that I am capable of doing logistically, in action, but they are not comfortable actions. They are things I do very rarely, and they feel... risky? They feel liable to upset people. And... my compassion gets hijacked by my self-protective anxiety and goes "oh, you really shouldn't upset those people, it's not that bad." Like the creaky floorboards.

That same "protective" voice says "don't be weird and go over and bother that kid." Because a 36 year old skateboarder saying hi and introducing himself and complimenting another skateboarder is... weird... apparently... and will upset them? Okay, let me turn the tables then... if a 45 year old skateboarder came up to me and complimented me, would I think it was weird? No... I would make a new friend. I'm just... I guess this is where the trauma comes in... I'm aware now that not everyone reacts the same way. And a lot of people in my life... A LOT of people... reacted in ways that did not make sense. And my compassion... got confused, and now kinda short-circuits and struggles to read peoples' reactions properly and tries to play it safe? I guess? Like... "this could go really well, it could be just a normal everyday human interaction, or it could go really bad. Really bad is the new one, we didn't know it could go like this, but god fucking damn did we learn. So... is the benefit worth the potential cost? It is worth the risk? To upset them? To hurt them?" And the answer comes out to be... "play it safe, avoid. Just smile from a distance and let them make the first move."

You know what they say. All great things come from playing it as safe as possible and not taking any risks at all. (That's sarcasm, in case you couldn't read the tone, it's actually the opposite.)

Man... Social anxiety and trauma can get so fucking weird when they mix. Weird because... the logic doesn't appear to make sense... but in the context of the narrative of my outlandish traumatic experiences... it makes a convincing enough argument to end up like this. Welp, the good news? ... Isn't that what gospel means? Good news? XD Welp, here's an excerpt from the Book of DZ for the day - I have made enough progress in developing my self-awareness to be able to detect these... hang-ups? Insecurities? Limitations? I don't even really have a good word for them. Challenges, I guess? And, more recently, I can actually... see myself performing healthier, more social actions. Well, I can see a hypothetical person doing these things. Like I can write stage directions and script a scene where a person that I would be playing would walk up and introduce himself at the skatepark. "Hey, you're really consistent with that tre flip. Is that a favorite trick of yours? Oh, my names _____ by the way." I've done it before, too. I just really wish... I felt excited to have those interactions... rather than dreading them.

Back around college graduation and the few years following, I used to do this thing I called "emotional alchemy"... where I would try to take the physical sensation of stage fright and channel it directly into excitement. Into pure, excited, "I'm pumped" excitement. I'd be back stage just like jumping around and moshing with my bandmates and putting all that adrenaline into exuberance. I have no idea where I got that idea from. But it worked.

Maybe I need to re-learn how to embrace the adrenaline. Embrace the excitement. The Ace of Cups. That's it. The Ace of fucking Cups. The gigantic burst of emotions that you get on a first date. Or a first kiss. Or your first speech in front of a crowd. Or, for the fellow recluses out there, going to the fucking grocery store. XD Or riding on a subway train or something.

This is the last thing, I promise. I mentioned this in therapy. This idea that like... what I'm dealing with are just big emotions. Intense feelings and they can get really sensory overwhelming. But it honestly hasn't been that bad recently. Walking yesterday was not bad at all. At all. Very little, if any overwhelming anxiety. I was just... joyous and childlike. But there's something about the Ace of Cups that just... throws me off. Like I'm afraid of a giant surge of ANY emotion. As though... they're bad. Because of how intense they are. Oooo oh, like how I'm kinda... if I were to find a romantic partner, I would really... need to easy my way into any form of physical contact. And I mean... even hugs. Because of how much of a fucking sensory overload it is. It makes my entire body seize up, literally. I wince. So... there's a reflexive component to this... like preparing yourself to dip into an ice-cold river. It's not going to hurt you, it's not bad... in fact, it can even be good... but it's a shock to the system. Like eating a slice of cake when you haven't eaten sugar in 5 years. Or drinking two cups of tea instead of one today. XD

So... I guess my approach here is to reassure myself that the shock to the system is not that bad, as long as you just relax and ride it out and try to just... see it as another experience. An intense life experience. And in a way, I would like to end up in a place where I am... in an odd way... grateful that I get to experience the little things in life that people all around me take so... for granted... that I get to experience these things so fully.

I go walking and I'm am constantly in awe. I think I'm the only person out in the city walking around and looking up. The architecture is very interesting and alien to me. And the lighting effects of light reflecting off brick and cast iron and other different materials. And the engineering and artistry. And so many different types of plants, in so many unique different types and growth configurations. And the constant flow of water in the river, and just picturing the currents and thinking of how long it took for the rocks to erode. And god, seeing animals is so lovely, I miss it so much and cherish it every time I get to. Birds, rabbits, beavers. I love that experience. And I really do feel blessed that I have reached a point in my personal growth to be able to genuinely appreciate and find joy in so many things. It makes every day an adventure. This overwhelm is just a byproduct of me... experiencing life with the gain turned way up. And sometimes it feels like a lot, even when it isn't bad or harmful. It's just... a lot. So... I'm trying to be self-compassionate about that limitation, but also remind myself that emotional overwhelm isn't necessarily harmful, and subsequently... doesn't necessarily need to be avoided for "personal safety".

Okay, 4:30... still gotta read this back. Not bad. Might even make it to bed before daybreak.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

[runawaysatellite]

~Estrelle's thoughts~

I saw some tourists staring at our blackened church And though they spoke another language I faintly managed to hear a word...Hell? Ah, yes, Hell... The world has already ended and this is hell...

And if heaven is real I pray that it is like the room I was born in Dark ,small and full of teary, tired eyes As my mother, less than 20 years of age, Pushes on to me the burden and boundary of this world And her sister holds me and wraps me in blankets as I scream, As gentle and scared as the pigeons that scatter at my feet as I'm writing this, Circling their newly found dead "I hope you're scared I hope you're free Nothing ties you to us anymore Go live and leave us be..."

Don't be afraid, don't look at this place with sadness or admiration They tried to burn us down before But this is the place where heresy and faith make love As if one just returned from war And the other thought them dead What prayer is there to hear When the words of peasants have more weight Than those of missing queens? So don't just watch, go in there and beg, Beg with everything you have and pray you're heard "If I ever were to ask for peace, would you grant it?"

But that's not why I'm here today, the visitors ,they are headed their way And I'm on mine, to a local bookstore As l enter I take of my hat without shaking the snow off of it It would be a sin to damage books I noticed they have a new batch of Bukowski's hellish dog Something I will admit to enjoy only in solitude Or to a lover right before our imminent deaths "You married a monster love" "And so did you" And we smile and laugh through the tears because we both know our lives will outlive us at this point And oh, how we loved our lives...

But that's not why I'm here, right? Why am I? Where am I? Ah, right ,the bookstore... I'm just wasting time, hoping to do so enough for the shop I've been eyeing for the past week to open So I'm just moving around because outside is too cold and inside is too putrid And after introducing myself to every title there at least twice, I leave empty handed And I go there, to my initial destination I swear, they have the weirdest working hours But it doesn't matter now that I'm here The shop lady is a sweetheart And she lets me browse in peace till I settle on a bun stick I pay and leave and just can't wait to try it

And it works for a while It helps me feel put together, it helps me focus when I ask it to But it's like it has a will of its own, in some way It always makes me circle back to some things And I am forced to remember they exists as more than just memories "Who is that?" asks a classmate looking at the face I've been diligently sketching for the past few days "Just a late friend" I reply without looking back How I hate this person... "Oh, they're dead?" they go on in misbelief "Well, I sure do hope so"

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Author's note: I don't know wtf this is either.

#poetry and poems #half decent poetry #my poems #my poem