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liz-and-the-blue-bird · 1 year

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Good evening to me

Since I've gotten some new followers: "Good ___ to me" indicate long personal posts. You don't have to read them ofc, they're mostly for me down the line.

This is kind of a weird one, it's mostly reflective stuff today. I don't usually make these without a lot of negative or at least melancholic emotions to work through. Regardless, I want to stop writing about the recent ex, but a lot of this is going to be tangential to her, so she'll pop up a few times. However, I want to focus on some personal thoughts that I've been thinking about.

Here's a song.

Right at the end of February, I took an OCEAN test or a "Big Five Personality" test. This is actually unusual among personality tests, it is actually supported by Psych research. Results tend to not change over a long period of time, etc. etc. You can take it yourself here, and be sure to share with me your results! I'd love to see them. In the meantime, here are my results:

The Extraversion and Openness to experience being so high is unusual, I think. It means a lot of what makes me comfortable involves art and people, or perhaps as an extension of that, expressing myself and communicating. With this context in mind, I've started to look back at my personal history. Moments where I'm sad or melancholic, I tend to write. When I was very young, it started with poetry, but now it has evolved into these journal entries. And I guess the reason I prefer to make them public is because of that extraversion, that longing to communicate with people my ideas or emotion.

Speaking of, I found a bunch of old notebooks the first week of March. So I've been reading through them all. And by a lot, I mean a lot:

And then, even older notebooks.

You can tell these are older because I doodled things on them. I never doodle anymore.

The first batch, the moleskins and stuff like that are primarily journals. Or at the very least, notes on what happened. The one that is open actually started 4 days after the ex 8 years ago. After a week of being sad and noting every single thing that has been happening, it abruptly jumps 8 months to me complaining about something else because I was not a very consistent note taker.

Meanwhile the one with the bird on it is actually a poetry notebook, before I started preferring to write exclusively online aka in the tumblr editor. The last poem written in there is Sucks. Then I stopped writing poetry for a very long time, and a lot of my writing energy became these journal entries, as well as other stuff on this blog, usually regarding anime.

The older notebooks, the spirals, are pretty much all poetry notebooks back from middle school and early high school. Though there's a few where I just doodled a bunch. They date all the way back to end of middle school.

But the poems SUCK. Like they're REALLY BAD. Most of them are actually on DeviantArt however, so they actually had an audience. Had.

I enjoyed looking through them. Interestingly, a lot of the love poems in them are reference to my first first girlfriend in middle school/high school. There was even a photo of us from back then, which was a big surprise. I don't remember much from her other than, well, making out a lot. I liked making out. I still do, but it started there.

We were a problem. We made out on all the band trips home. We would be late to band practice because I had brought her to a quiet corner of the school to just make out with her straddling me or me grabbing her butt. We made out so much in the practice rooms that the band directors ended up putting up signs in the band room saying to limit PDA ("no purpling" I think is what they said).

But I digress. I don't know her anymore. And she has such a common name that I wouldn't be able to stalk her if I wanted to.

Here's an indie song I just learned about and have recently been obsessed with.

I already kind of feel normal. I have spikes down but I've started waking up at 7/10 instead of 3/10 and winding up. 7/10 is about my default state. 10/10 is like... On a date with a girlfriend who I know is excited to be with me. 1/10 is trying to decide if life is worth living. 7/10 is "would dance to One Direction if it started playing right now".

I had a moment about a month after the break up where I just had a really bad breakdown. It was a combination of some more bottled up thoughts about the relationship that I had trouble finding a reason to write down or tell anyone and how poorly I had been taking care of myself and my surroundings because of my mental state. And I told it all out to a very old friend of mine. She comforted me but she said something that has made me feel better the most since the break up happened.

"But the fact that you're here, telling me this in this moment, just shows how much you cared and how much you can care for people."

It made me feel better. A lot better.

My capacity to care.

I care about a lot of things, very deeply, and often for very little reason. Stuff like the most efficient route to work, or my specific boba order that tries to get the "most drink per drink." How I tend to pause and stare at the sky for no real reason other than it's there and I won't see another like it. How I overthink things and memorize useless things. But this is the first time that that I've been told and thus realized, that it is no weakness or weirdness.

It's a strength. It's just me. A tremendous capacity to care.

I've been holding on to that ever since. I hope I don't forget it. Because from my old poetry and journal entrees, I tend to let girls and myself gaslight me into thinking that me caring about them so much, "too much" is a fault of my own. It isn't.

It isn't. It isn't. It isn't.

It is simply me.

But anyway.

I've started talking to a new girl. I've made it clear I just got out of a relationship, just to be fair to her, and tbh I'm not super certain on her, but it feels like I just want to see where this goes. I just really really want to meet people right now.

I think I have always had this fetish for nostalgia. Where I couldn't fall in love with anyone who I hadn't known for a long time. I think I learned about this very recently, and was why I was so aromatic until I re-met the ex. When I realized it, I started thinking I needed to grow out of it in some way. Especially if I'm actively trying to meet someone new. It's not that I wouldn't open up to people, I've always been a chronic oversharer (see, um, this entire tumblr post series), but rather I wouldn't feel supremely comfortable with people until I knew them for years.

But then a friend told me that my music taste is nostalgia. After I linked her that song I just linked. Because a lot of songs I send to her have this nostalgic feeling, even between different bands, genres, languages. Sometimes it's sad nostalgia, sometimes it's happy nostalgia, but it's definitely a longing for something deep and sentimental.

And I had just learned about that song.

This changed my feelings towards my "nostalgia fetish." I don't think I am looking for people who I have known for years. It just so happens that lot of my closest friends are that because I'm old and that's just how friends are when you're old. But I think it's moreso I'm looking for someone who has this same sentimentality. This same depth of emotion when looking at something old or close to them. My fetish for nostalgia isn't nostalgia for the person, but nostalgia in the person.

At least, I hope so.

Whatever, I'm looking forward to meeting new people.

Last song.

Many years ago, I remember the first time I felt normal after that break up. It was like 10 or 11pm and I was bringing someone home. They lived in Round Rock but I lived in downtown Austin, since I was a UT student at the time. After dropping them off, I still had like a 20 minute drive and I had just learned that The Summer Set's album, Legendary, had a deluxe edition, which that song I just linked is a part of. I look them up on youtube and hit play.

And on that drive home I found peace, somehow. I remember stopping before getting to the highway, next to a unkempt grassy field, and standing there, looking at the sky. I missed the sky and stars. I missed that hour drive home from her house when it was getting dark and you could see the constellations because I was between 2 medium sized cities. I missed that bumpy road that seemed perpetually under construction and twisted and winded and didn't make sense. I was a lonely boy who didn't have a place that felt like home and didn't know where he was going to end up. But I knew and, at least in that moment, was fine with it.

I still am that boy. But that constantly under construction road got finished in the past 8 years. That starry sky was gone, I noticed, from our drives to Austin together—too many small towns and buildings had popped up, too much light pollution. I thought I found a place person like home but it was a dusty extended stay motel that I ended up staying at for 5 months, with too high of a rent and a crummy landlord.

Last time I felt over her, I remember saying that my daydreams no longer had a girl on my shoulder. I felt really aromatic. Really antisocial. I became an island. And I don't know if I'm trying to replace her or what, but I don't think that will happen this time. I might be fine without a partner, but I know I am better with one. I know I'm ready.

For anything, really.

#the kyoukai no kanata gifs are important to me too #for some reason i associate it deeply with college and the ex #i have weird associations i think #i mean i describe songs with taste flavors #when i was in uni i made playlists named after drinks #anyway i digress #to me #this might be the last one for a while #thank you everyone who spends the time reading these #as well as anyone who just spends time interacting with me #i consider you all friends

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dizzybizz · 6 months

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mingling memeing for today 🥰

#guys theyre so in my head i ????? helP????#scum villian self saving system #svsss #sha hualing #liu mingyan #mingling #my art #doodle #for that last one teehee #honestly tho it could go any which way there #like...#both of them thinking biting? or kissing? shl thinking biting while lmy thinks kissing?#i kinda wanted to do full shoujo style for shl's but i went with the silly sloppy makeout instead #again IT WORKS wIT H BOTH #i was also thinking about keeping the veil for it but i didnt in the end ✋😭#it might have been a mistake for me to learn how to draw the two of them. now there is no going back yknow. oh gods #anyways i love them and i think they could be so silly and good and aguuhhgooghgfhfghfhghghhg

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fizpup · 3 months

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valentine, you're a horse ❤️

#my little pony #mlp g3 #wish-I-may #wish-I-might #ok so. I'm gonna ramble for a sec #normally when I post on valentine's day I complain in the tags about being single. but I won't this year!#I've recently realized I'm definitely somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. and that I'm perfectly content without a partner #in the past I've described myself as 'emotionally unavailable' or having 'commitment issues' but neither of those things were ever true #I'm a very loving and loyal person!#I've always been extremely affectionate with friends and family but unable to have the same level of love for potential partners #unsure if I'm just demisexual/demiromantic or actually aroace but I'm definitely not the default settings type of gay lol #I'm a big fan of romance and sex in fiction! but irl? 😅😬 idk about that fam! idk!#hypothetically I would like to have a gf one day and maybe fall in love but now I understand why that may not happen #or atleast is gonna take a while. and that's fine :)#tldr; if your top song on spotify last year was Cupid by Fifty Fifty it's time to do some soul searching lol #happy valentine's day!! 💕

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spoopdeedoop · 10 months

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pride art i did for the lmkd server pride event!!

#my art #monkie kid #lego monkie kid #lmk fanart #lego monkie kid fanart #monkie kid fanart #lmk mk #trans pride #transgender #silly little guy he's so me fr!!#his hair's a lot browner here than it's supposed to be my apologies #really like the colors on this one :)#might be the last art piece you'll see from me in a while i'm going to japan!!#for like a week n a half #so yeah this might be it for a while #glad i got around to making pride art during pride month finally #qi xiaotian

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sysig · 5 months

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“It could be that the loss of her children drove the Queen deeper into her darker desires...but, I don’t believe she was fighting against them that hard before that particular tragedy. No monster does.” (Patreon)

Bonus:

Hmm, wonder what he could cover those holes with :3c

#Doodles #Handplates #UT #Fellplates #UkaGaster's answers about Toriel really interest me :3c #As evidenced by the quote caption lol - but his other ones are very interesting too! Since it sounds like she's still around!#Poor classic Handplates!Gaster believed Tori dead for such a long time while she was at the Ruins #Meanwhile Fellplates!Gaster is just like ''? I saw the Queen last week she threw me into the pricker bushes? -.ò'' lol #But anyhow lol ♪ The implications that they're still in each other's vicinity really makes me curious about their relationship!#And how Toriel might react to knowing that someone - someone other than her - is having So Much Success on one of her sore spots #Not just of having children but of the constant reminders of Gaster's success where she has to live every day with a heavy heart for her own #Being cruel to him over it - well that's just par for the course isn't it ♪#He mentions that she's much more of an emotional sadist - insulting him and then making it Very clear that she does Not approve of the holes #''They're ugly and you should feel ashamed for drawing so much attention to something so unsightly''#I do think that her knowing that he's so intent on being kind and merciful and then twisting the knife on how much he's hurting her-#Making him feel guilty for daring to even attempt the betterment of all - for giving pieces of himself away and try to be a good person #''If anyone will break my spirit it will be her'' :)#Although that's all assuming that Toriel even knows about the brothers! :0 When I thought about it later it'd make more sense if she doesn't #It was still too good to not do something with the idea hehe - but imagine her betrayal if/when she found out tho she'd kill him on the spot #Gosh I haven't drawn Tori in foreeeeever I can't even remember the last time #Doing a/nother study on her would probably be fun haha she's rather plain how I draw her currently #I wonder if her Fellplates version would also wear reading glasses hehe #And the bonus :3c Where are the plates featured in Fellplates? Surely it's not just called that as a reference right ♪ Hehehe

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orbmanson7 · 8 months

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Have some Logan angst doodles from my sketchbook

And a doodle from the yet-to-be-released 'comfort' chapter of my fic, Malfunction

And here's a little happy Logan with some implied angst, as well 👌

#logan angst #logan sanders #ts logan #orb cant draw #doodles #sanders sides #might make some of these into stickers bc i havent done that in a while #that last one under the readmore is an oofuri reference #in case anyone was wondering

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sammy-the-dead-dumpster · 1 month

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holding hands solves every problem (except when it doesn't)

#bnha #mha #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha 418 #mha 418 #deku #shigaraki tomura #tomura shigaraki #tenko shimura #shimura tenko #izuku midoriya #midoriya izuku #bnha shitpost #mha shitpost #poor tenko can't hold hands what's he supposed to do now #also my art tablet broke in the middle of this so it might be the last one for a while

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sleepinglionhearts · 2 months

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Kana may, in fact, be named Kana because it is a simple name but also I know where I started, I'm borrowing that name with great respect u___u

#doodles #one piece #one piece art tag #oc art tag #roronoa zoro #cat burglar nami #tashigi one piece #nico robin #blackleg sanji #tony tony chopper #monkey d. luffy #again don't worry about it don't worry about it it's fine just. woe. child be upon ye #in nami's case u know vivi was part of the decision ok #i will get to drawing that i HAVE SO MANY IDEAS #i do have interactions between mikan baby and other crewmates planned #as well as sillies with kana #actually kana might get a backstory for real bc i had Another Idea but i have to let it sit in my brain a while #this won't be the last u see of these critters ok #anyway here u go have the stuff that's been rattling around in my brain!!! enjoy!!!!!!

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puppetmaster13u · 16 days

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Prompt 278

You know what I’ve gotten obsessed with and inspired by? Dredge.

You know what is also fun? Merfolk. What’s even better? Lovecraftian corrupted merfolk. Especially if say, one goes with the Lazarus Waters being a form of ectoplasm. So, in this? Lazarus waters are like lakes, while Amity Park, thanks to the Portal, and the barriers? It is an entire sea.

There are islands, small areas that were once the tips of buildings that have gathered more landmass around them. There are mangroves, trees not like anything on earth or anywhere else stretching up in canopies dark enough to block out the sun, yet lit by the green waters.

It goes deep. Mariana Trench deep, despite it being impossible. The GIW have explored for caves or tunnels, they’ve tried to find some sort of explanation, but there isn’t one.

Now all that ecto? That has an effect on people. They mutate, they change, they adapt. Anywhere else would have been a slow death- something the GIW might have even been counting on. But Amity Park? It was founded by witches, it was the hotspot for the supernatural, even before the Fentonwork Portal. They’ve been dealing with this sort of energy in microdoses from the moment they first began to live in the city in any generation.

But they begin to adapt. Shift into something… other. Some stay contaminated, clinging to human forms as they form homes on the tiny islands, fishing and farming what they can. Others become Liminal, almost seeming to meld with fish, some similar to ones of the Living and others something just to the left. Similar yes, but not quite… right. And then there are those that have truly melded with the energy of the dead, forms torn asunder by it, ripped apart and made anew by it.

The first sign back when the barrier was activated, when they could no longer leave and were trapped were the fish in the lake. And now they are the same, with gazes of something Else, with gnashing teeth and a hunger gnawing at where hearts once were.

But they aren’t monsters. They’re still themselves. Just a little… Other now.

#DCxDP #DPxDC #Prompts #Eldritch Ghosts #Liminal Amity Park #Merfolk AU #They see nothing wrong with each other because they’ve gotten used to it #Also yes they can ‘swim’ in the air too #Seriously check out the Dredge Wiki if u aren’t up for playin- at least look at the Aberrations #Even the more human-looking Parkers (usually elderly but not always) still look Off #While others have become deep sea nightmares #I see the fact there’s an entire Lazarus ecosystem in the middle of nowhere Illinois interesting Absolutely No One #People Definitely Doesn’t Have A Fishing Boat Out There Trying To Fish Up The Pit Creatures #Honestly GIW might do that too & have some fucked up fish- they keep failing at catching a parker who knows better #Clockwork and others visit too sometimes & it’s like seeing a Fucking Incomprehensible Leviathan #If the Infinite Realms is the Open Ocean then Amity is a Sea where whales go to set up their nursery #Idk if any of this makes sense I’ve been sick the last few days lol #Dredge Au

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hylialeia · 10 months

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you don't get it. she loved him once. she didn't have a maester, she had a brother. he sold their mother's crown to keep them fed. he said Dany, please. she loved him, once.

#I feel like the tragedy of viserys and dany is they really might have been close and loved each other normally of they'd been allowed to #barristan says viserys always seemed aerys's son but when has westeros had any sort of developed understanding of mental illness #dany knew him best and she said the last kindness left him when he sold their mother's crown #it begs the question how much kindness there would have been if they hadn't been children forced out on the streets #a brother dany says never forgave her for their mother's death giving her birth.#but who told her stories and brought her up while his own mental faculties were wearing thin #it doesn't feel like tywin keeping tyrion based on lannister name and blood alone #she loved him once.#that viserys had some inherent lecherous evil in him doesn't feel in line with that to me #it doesn't feel in line with dany please #if ned is the good guardian to tywin's bad one viserys was just a boy who found himself in that role under the worst possible circumstances #and who under duress of those awful circumstances and his own undiagnosed mental illness #(for which he never got any help or support)#failed his sister very very badly #leaving daenerys to feel the hole of his absence even when he was still alive #because she loved him. once #lol anyway!#asoiaf #daenerys targaryen #viserys targaryen

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dailynakaharachuuya · 8 months

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And, despite everything, we meet once again.

#bungo stray dogs #bungo stray dogs chuuya #bungo stray dogs dazai #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs chuuya #bungou stray dogs dazai #bsd #bsd chuuya #bsd dazai #skk #soukoku #school au #(I am not very happy about the clouds!!)#(But adding more colour doesn't help heheh I think it might be the over all shape of it)#(No matter!! I will keep practicing!)#(I was listening to all of luck lifes BSD endings while drawing this.. felt right for the mood)#(I'm probably not going to be able to draw anything until.. either sunday or monday)#(So this is the last one until then!)

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pinstripe-doodles · 4 months

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#pins doodles #another one id finished a while ago #im convinced this is a different waistcoat to the one he had last series but i might be getting paranoid #it feels so much more difficult to draw....... anyway there was an attempt and im NOT gonna stress about it #this was for fun !! [shakes self] no stressing !!#ofmd #izzy hands

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thejasontoddarchives · 3 months

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Brothers in Blood will trick you into thinking it’s just a silly crack scenario brought to life and Jason just concocted this plan for shits and giggles. Then you get a single page like this:

Nightwing (1996-) #121

that reveals he wanted/desperately needed shreds of acceptance even if it was coated in layers of resentment irritation and doubt after going through this:

Batman (1940-) #650

And it had to be from someone who isn’t Bruce

#jason todd #dick grayson #dc #brothers in blood #look sometimes people need to find the least vulnerable way to be vulnerable and this was that #because the fact is he is vulnerable but the last time he revealed that without undercutting the moment with jokes and giggles #it turned out fabulously wrong for him #if he distracts Dick as much as possible so he'll never find out how much of a mess he is right now or what he actually wants #he can still get that confirmation that Dick cares about him without risking something happening that would be his second final straw #even the telegram where he finally sort of reveals what this was about by thanking Dick for still having his back he has to make it wacky #the ww3 comic that preludes this is even more fascinating #because I do think the cover art is ... impactful?#Jason's holding the Nightwing suit in one hand and the red hood helmet in the other and looking solemnly at his Robin suit glass case #granted it is the pill helmet but still. anyway #he’s doing this not long after Bruce slit his throat and prior to that told Alfred to keep the glass case as in the cave in uth #because meeting Jason again changed nothing and he might as well still be dead to him so that uber-tombstone stays #ofc Jason never heard that convo but it's clear he put the pieces together by himself now while looking at the case #and he’s stranded as to what he should do + silently devastated #because he knows now that he doesn’t matter (in the only way that does matter) to the one person who was the most important in his life #after his parents were gone #so then he decides to come to Dick with this because he really is the only other person who was in his life if only very briefly #anyway that was just my interpretation of that cover but how Jason is actually written in the story is just … off in many ways #but yea #this page and that ww3 cover did kinda solidify what his motivation was for the brothers in blood arc #it was good #if only the execution of everything else was better … The premise/foundation was there

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popponn · 5 months

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so what if isagi yoichi is in love with you. you, too, are in love with isagi yoichi. but you see—through the law of romantic comedy, a misunderstanding must happen. and thus, it happens.

in your part, the thought of isagi being in love with you since the very start never crossed your mind. but, nevertheless, you still try your best to get his heart. yet, on isagi's part, he thinks it was all a gesture from a special best friend as he thinks you are actually in love with a third party and is too shy to make a move.

so, isagi eventually decides that on this rare occasion where he thinks that being an egoist will be a mistake, he shall play cupid and help you gain the heart of the other party. a teammate of his—which he actually doesn't know who—

"he is a bit scary when he is angry or on the field," you once clued him. "but i think he is really sweet!"

cue, enter from stage left, barou shohei and itoshi rin, the top two candidates.

(spoiler: in which, barou shohei and itoshi rin have to play matchmaking due to some romantic complications.)

note: a dumb dumb romcom where every party involved are g/sn/k level of intelligence in the romance department. it was entertaining and somehow funny to me. i nearly went only with barou only but hey why one angry victim when you can do two?? two who also have rages on isagi. been on my mind for a while but yeah writing this smells tough so i do what i do best—wips ♡ one day tho. all in all, isagi is not coming out unscathed no matter how this goes. at least i didn't also add kaiser (...unless?).

#bllk scenarios #bllk fluff #blue lock isagi #isagi fluff #blue lock scenarios #blue lock fluff #bllk isagi #bllk imagines #bllk x reader #isagi yoichi x reader #blurbs #blue lock x reader #drabbles #blue lock imagines #isagi x reader #it's been a while since the last blurbs #and hello baby do u miss my non stop isagi posting get ready becauss it might be coming back soon #maybe one day soon

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