#mentally ill self-isolating motherfucker

[apollo-zero-one]

Man I can't believe I had the chance to go to a performing arts school up through middle school and I fuckin quit after 6 months just because I got bullied. BRO YOUR HOMEWORK WAS POETRY!! YOU HAD TO PRACTICE DANCING TO COTTON EYE JOE AS YOUR BIG UNIT TEST. GYM CLASS HAD A CIRCUS UNIT!! YOU HAD A WHOLE DAILY CLASS ON IMPROV!!! YOU FOOL!! YOU ABSOLUTE IMBICILE!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A YOUTUBER!!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE TWEENAGERS GETTING LOADED BY MAKING SHITTY YOUTUBE SHORTS IN 2008-14!! But noooOoooOOOoo little miss Noellie (who WANTED TO GO!! who worked SO HARD and sent in an application essay and did an INTERVIEW to get in!!) couldn't handle disruptive classmates or little scuffles and petty grudges and general Attitude of the other students and cried to mommy to put her back in public school. I am EATING MY HAIR over what Could Have Been. I COULD BE SOMEONE'S ANNOYING YOUTUBER!! I could be a DISGRACED DISNEY CHANNEL STAR!! I could be an America's Got Talent winner! A mild to moderately successful comedian! I could be making short films!! But no no no precious thin skinned baby me heard a few new cus words and watched a teacher get heckled and begged to give up The Dream in favor of?? Quiet math tests?? I am such a fucking quitter I quit everything the second it gets too hard I always take the out as soon as it's offered what's my fucking damage.....

#I had SO MUCH POTENTIAL and I SQUANDERED IT!! weak ass third grade PUSSY! Your life could have been SO SICK!! #or you could at least be addicted to cocain or something interesting like that!! Boring ass goody two shoes always just staying home doing #NOTHING bitch make a REAL FRIEND go to a God Damn PARTY live a little instead of just hiding in the closet eating saltine crackers for years #waiting for it to be quiet outside before you ever even toed the line #mentally ill self-isolating motherfucker #you could have shrugged it off you could have GROWN A PAIR and FOUGHT BACK but you just ran and cried for mommy #victim complex little bitch baby always whining and exaggerating and making shit up fucking LIAR I am you and I KNOW what you did and I know #you knew it wasn't the truth and you regretted it the moment it came out of uour mouth but once you'd said it you just swallowed it back and #doubled down incriminating or discrediting others with your lies. For why? Because you didn't like them? You could have ruined someone's #life you wouldn't have hesitated mayhe you did and don't even remember because you cant keep your mouth shut with your pants ablaze #manipulative little shit and to WHAT END? Pity? Sympathy? Attention? Entertainment?? What was even going on in your stupid ugly head? #This is a callout post for my third grade self that possessed demon ass evil nine year old. That kid drowned anthills in olive oil and #poisoned a wild animal once. That kid cut plants just to see if they oozed. That kid modified her whole ass personality on a dime for a boy #she had a crush on. INSTANTLY dropped a LIFELONG CULTURAL ALLEGIANCE (thats what football teams were like back then in our town) because he #said he had the opposite allegiance??? What the fuck? girl had NO integrity none zip zilch. #No empthy either that kid looked at everyone else on earth like they were friggin space aliens and she was the only one with Real feelings. #bitch literally thought like 'I have Feelings they just have Reactions' bitch what the fuckkkkk #that nine year old was fucked the hell up!!! #and for literally NO REASON!! No cause!! Just born fucking evil and weird. jesus fuck. #Evil ass bitch caused her autistic brother months of nightmares and then laughed about it and wrote poetry about how evil he was because he? #was a kid??? Normal sibling rivalry taken way way way too far defamatory ass statements #and this girl had NO CONSEQUENCES because she could lie and manipulate her way out of ANYTHING she had the baby eyes and the helpless charm #and played dumb soooo well . read people like some calculative evil AI scanning their faces for microexpressions and overanalyzing each word #choice like holy shit. its not That Deep. pretentious shit trying to play 5D chess on a checkers board. #Manipulating shit just to see what happens?? zero awareness?? no asking just skipping straight to testing for yourself?? #'What happens if I step on this' it fucking breaks 'what does that taste like?' it's not fucking yours to mess with 'if I hit this person #how will they respond?' they'll be upset use your goddamn judgement you are NINE not TWO do you even care a little about any other person?? #Are you just living in some other reality??? #callout post for the fucking demon child inside of me #im so goddamn problematic I'm so so so deeply mentally disturbed and broken for no reason

[bellysoupset]

Could you write a backstory post for all your characters?

I can certainly try!

It's under the cut in case people don't wanna know these details like this and instead try and piece them together through the stories.

I think I'm gonna go in order of economic power ($)? Idk i think it makes sense, since it's something I bring into play in my stories quite frequently.

Lucas Atwood: Lucas is an only child and his mom was a senator, while his father is a music star who goes by the name of Kit Howard (actual name, Christopher Howard). To give their son some scrap of anonymity, Lucas has his mom's surname as his last one, which is the one he goes by. He grew up extremely isolated, with his father always on tour and his mom always working, until he turned 16 and his mom got severely sick. He took care of her during the following year, because she refused treatment and refused to let the public know of her illness. Lucas is very desensitized to gross things because of it, but he definitely has a weird relationship with caretaking, seeing as this was the only moment in his life he actually had a parent home and some affection. His dad was on tour for his new album and hit song (the one that triggers Luke), when Veronica passed away, at home. Nowadays Lucas and his father have a very strained relationship, his paternal grandmother playing buffer most of the time in passing information between the two men.

Jonah Banks: He's the son of a Hollywood plastic surgeon (Jasper Banks) and a super model from the 80s (Jackie). His father is one of those overly pleasing, bright smile people, who's super lenient and demanded nothing from Jonah, making him having to parent himself. His mom filed for divorce when he was 10 and went to "live her life", having him over here and there, but mostly very self focused. Nowadays she regrets it and is doing all she can to mend this relationship, Jonah is tentative about letting her back in. Jonah's dad always made it clear he wanted a friendly, extroverted son, like Lucas, which cemented Jonah's rivalry with him from an early age. They went to boarding school together since they were kids. Nowadays Jonah's dad has remarried twice and has a daughter, Angelina, who's 9. She's very sweet and Jonah adores her, but he has no patience to deal with his father, so he only sees her when he visits and takes her away to hang out.

Wendy Marshall: Out of everyone in the group, Wendy definitely has the most boring background. Her parents are still together, even though they're one of those straight couples who despise one another. They're supportive of Wendy's transition, but only at home, you know? The rest of their conservative family... Isn't supportive and they don't cut contact or call them out, making it a huge point of tension for Wendy. Wendy came out when she was 14 and started on E when she was 16. Both her parents are doctors and they drilled the "work hard" mentality on her, which may or may not be the cause for her chronic migraines and possible gastritis.

Vince Monacelli: Vince moved with his family from Italy to America when he was 9. His English was broken at best when they moved, after opportunity, and public school with a broken English taught him real quick how cruel kids can be. That is, until he turned 13 and went from "chubby cute immigrant boy" to "big motherfucker" overnight. He's got no friends back home because of bullying and some history with getting mixed up with the wrong crowd, but it's nothing big enough for me to note here. Vince is very close with his family. They are now middle class, but back then they were poor and had to deal with food insecurity every end of the month. Vince has a very unhealthy relationship with food because of that. His parents are still together and sickeningly in love, which gave him high standards for romance. He's close with his nana and Vince has two younger sisters, Sofia who's 16 and had the world's biggest crush on Lucas, and Livia, who's 6.

Isabella Martinez: Bella is a trailer park girl. It's been just her mom, Marisa, and her since she can remember and she loves her mom, but sometimes she wishes the woman could get her shit together in the love department. Her mother wears her heart in her sleeve and hops from scumbag to scumbag, which made Bell weary of romance in general, Lucas (now) being the exception that proves the rule. They were living pay check to pay check and Bella worked ever since she was allowed to. From lemonade stands to costumer service, you call it, she's done it. Her mom works as a hair stylist. Bella's biggest issue with her mom's romances was how easily they turned her head and suddenly "let's blow this paycheck on a barbecue because it's 4th of July" sounded like a grand idea. They fought a lot over it and Bella spent many many nights sleeping in her shitty car and not speaking with her mother over situations like this. Their relationship has improved significantly since she moved to college. Bella has a full ride scholarship and she studies computer science. She's one of those "success story" (heavy sarcasm there). She knows how to play the bass, but Bella is too shy about stages to be in a band. She loves punk music.

Leo Wagner: The final one and easily the most tragic of the guys. Leo's mom walked out on him and his father when he was 7. His dad was an abusive POS. He worked at a pub and frequently came home piss drunk, but those were the good days, because then he'd just pass out and not mistreat Leo. He got more violent the older Leo got and the more apparent it was that Leo was not his Straight Boy, as he had wanted. When Leo was 17, his father committed suicide by hanging himself in the living room. Leo found him and it was the biggest catalyst for his depression to take a severe dip. He was put on the foster system, but not adopted. Leo's depression medication is some of the strongest in the market, because his body is very resistant to treatment. He works as intern at a law firm now and never opened up about his mess of a past to anyone.

#yes this is all sad #but it makes for good storytelling so whatever #also they're all a family ok #my characters #mywriting

[homiro]

I absolutely am hated lmao like why were people even following this damn account? Now I have 442 followers I know it was 480+ just a couple of days ago because I was trying to create new sideblogs on mobile so I saw it lmao maybe I'm just being nEgAtiVe and this this is why people don't like me as usual but fuck it you know I'm tired as hell of this bullshit life of all the bad luck of just idk being too autistic or something for anyone to want hang out with me for real lol oh you don't put yourself out there lmaooo yeah for what? To be shut down and get mad and just cut off the relationship? I guess I'm meant to be alone and that self-isolation really is the way about it not matter what the lazlos and other such American (from ANY of the countries in the AmericaS PLURAL) say. Honestly fuck ableist fuckers and fuck covert transphobes literally go to hell.

By the way I'm not self diagnosed I had to go through a fucking insane battery of questions lol great thing. I gained nothing from it except an #actuallyautistic. And I'm tired of having to mask so that the motherfuckers who pretend to care about mentally ill people and act like they're ND but ick when they see someone with an actual condition that isn't uwu palatable uwu smol bean who's shyyy fuck outta here.

Rant over lol they want me to be the villain, I'll be their fucking villain I just won't willingly interact with these cunts anymore. I'll be the cunt who copped out when he was lied about and misgendered and the little uwu smol beans villanised me. And yes, no i HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN. AND I HAVEN'T LET GO. Because abusers and harassers want you to forget and let go to be exonerated of their own shittu behaviour. I apologised for my meltdowns and was met with nothing but condescending remarks and holier than thou attitudes and treated like shit by literally all of these clout chasing twats. I'm not upset I left that was a blessing in disguise but they robbed me of the only thing I had which was writing. I barely wrote this hear and when I did I had to push myself. And not because I had some block it was literally because I didn't want more harassment and to be told I suck by the fans of dubcon shit. And fuck every single MOTHERFUCKER who says it isn't. I'm an SA SURVIVOR I KNOW WHAT IS AND WHAT ISN'T SA. But you know, it's hot apparently lol so it's okay /s rant over unfollow away I guess lol some cunt on here said I was negative and shit as well before unfollowing instead of just doing it. Like just say you don't understand cptsd and fucking go.

I'm done.

#long post #rant #personal vent #fuck all this #I'm burning bridges #maybe that's my cue to actually cop out for good #I'm so tired of having to mask to be accepted for being different and for having permanent trauma

[habeascorpseus]

the reason why I'm a c!wilbur apologist is because literally I cannot look at him as anything but any other asshole who happens to be mentally ill. his actions aren't even particularly evil or even manipulative (I think some people in this fanbase think that "manipulation" is just telling someone to do or stop doing something). I rewatched the pogtopia arc yesterday and the dude snaps like. twice. 3 times if you count the button room chat with q and tommy, but I see that as more of a last-ditch cry for help. granted, it's scary for an adult figure whom you trust to suddenly not act like themselves. but wilbur was pretty emotionally reserved and stable in pogtopia. mostly he just disappeared for days and tuned in to check on tommy and help him spy on Manburg. so yeah, I seriously don't get where the fuck the "vilbur" bit came from. dude was evil like. 3 times. and honestly, I don't blame him! on a server like the dream smp, being a little bit amoral is like therapy! (cough, tommy torturing fundy and connor while with technoblade, cough) perhaps it's because it's in such stark contrast to the man he began as, (again, like tommy during his stay with technoblade. people thought he was becoming a villain bc of how different he was from the person he started as) or maybe it's people being afraid of something they can't understand and extrapolating on it. but then again, 2 years ago, I wasn't this fucked up either. isolation does that to a motherfucker. but in the end, wilbur was a man who lost control of the situation and himself and just... retreated into himself. then self destructed with a bang. there was no obsession with tommy or serious attempts to isolate him (he told tommy to stay away from tubbo once and didn't follow up on it again.), no physical abuse (technoblade beat tommy up, wilbur was the one to suggest a fight. still fucked up but techno really did just jump at the chance to beat up a child huh), no lavish plots of manipulation, no plots to rule the world. the man was just a dude who became fucked up and then wanted to die. so in conclusion, petition to change character wilburs status back to Just Some Guy rather than Evil Manipulative Mastermind. because not only does it humanize the mentally ill, but also because it fits him so much better. he's not a story. he's just a man

#habeas speaks #wilbur soot #tommyinnit

[a-scaly-troublemaker]

Here's my characters I relate to list

Updated because I found out about kin discourse and don't want to bother anyone

Ruvyzvat (Friday Night Funkin' Mid Fight Masses/Date Night Masses) - I'm an antisocial, prickly motherfucker more often than not. I also have a strong and lawless sense of justice. I would love to see objectively horrible people (ex, war criminal) get smited by vigilantes. I also have a very tight group of people I trust in real life. Only like, one. My social skills are so bad that they get me shit-canned sometimes.

Sarvente (Friday Night Funkin' Mid Fight Masses/Date Night Masses) - I'm seen as a sweetheart by some people, and several also claim that I'm a great singer. I'm also very accepting of diverse people, cultures, etc. People are people, fuck whatever the bigots think. I've studied flower symbolism and would absolutely use it in floral themed AUs, too.

Whitty/Whitmore (Friday Night Funkin' Vs. Whitty, which was sadly taken down because of Twitter drama. sigh) I hate social interactions with a burning passion because I always feel like the elephant in the room, so I hide. I also feel like there's always someone who's gonna come after me for whatever I'm doing. I have a 'fuck you' punk rock attitude, until someone comes after me, then I'm timid as shit and kinda have a lowkey panic attack. I'm rarely seen not wearing a jacket of some kind.

Dark Choco Cookie (Cookie Run Franchise) - I feel detached and disconnected from my family. I also am so incredibly insecure that it's depressing. I berate myself regularly and don't believe I'll be able to change much, if at all. My family hasn't been able to help much with this, on the rare occasion that they try. I also still struggle with mental illness along with my habitual 'oh I forgot to take my ADHD meds NO WONDER I CAN'T SLEEP'. I'm also afraid that other people are going to hurt me and don't trust on a personal level all that easily.

Dark Cacao Cookie (Cookie Run Franchise) - I hide some of my inner workings expertly, because I may have repressed them into practical nonexistence. I also hold a few of my mistakes in the past against myself to this day. I also tend to self-isolate whenever given the opportunity to do so. I'm also cynical as shit and take kindness towards me as a fleeting act that will likely not come again.

Milk Cookie (Cookie Run Franchise) - I care a lot about what others are going through, even if I don't know how to help and even if my politics are always in the back of my mind.

Truffle Cookie (Cookie Run Franchise) I'm reclusive as shit when allowed to self-isolate. I just hide in my own little corner of existence and stay there until I absolutely have to leave. Feel free to step into my little bubble of paradise in the blighted hellscape that is planet Earth. Be warned, there's some crazy shit in my little bubble that might scare you.

Purple Yam Cookie (Cookie Run Franchise) - I can get irritated at the slightest, most insignificant detail in some of the things that I do and perceive around me.

Red Velvet Cookie (Cookie Run Franchise) - I love animals and get along with animals better than some people. I would likely never leave my room if allowed to stay there forever.

Espresso Cookie (Cookie Run Franchise) - When I work on something I'm passionate about, I may not stop working on it for hours, and will fuss over every little detail. I'm also not afraid to call people out on their hypocrisy, to the point that it can cause issues when our situations differ dramatically. I also have sudden moments of 'I can't fucking sleep' because I enjoy roleplaying with friends over Discord too much. My bluntness has been a small problem in the past. To top it off, I habitually listen to audio that will keep me awake at that time.

Madeleine Cookie (Cookie Run Franchise) - Let me stay in my own little bubble, because everything outside of it has done, at best, nothing.

Peacock/Patricia Watson (Skullgirls Franchise) - I'm a little unhinged sometimes, and what I wear can lend a dubious aura to me, but don't be frightened by my mayhem. It's fun for me, and I normally mean well, even when someone gets mad at me for my antics. I also have random spaz moments sometimes that can be glorious and hilarious to behold. I've also had a rough past that still haunts me on some level, though what that level is, I don't know.

#fnf whitty #fnf ruv #fnf sarvente #Madeleine Cookie #crk #Espresso Cookie #Red Velvet Cookie #purple yam cookie #Truffle Cookie #Milk Cookie #skullgirls peacock #dark cacao cookie #dark choco cookie #might add to this later

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

the wolf should’ve been afraid of me.

Titans 3.04

just under the wire! ... i hope.

like with the previous review, i’m typing this up as i see the episode. here we go!

spoilers ahead.

1. ... well. that was an interesting cold open.

1.25. i don’t know whether to admire this show’s restraint when it comes to gotham and its excesses, particularly arkham asylum. it’d be easy to go hammer and tongs, like suicide squad (2016) did, or any number of bat media did, at a tropey, colourful~~insanity~~ that can be quite damaging, casting mental illness in strangeness and criminality. it definitely shows gotham as... separate from the rest of the country, its own ecosystem of heroes and villains, a sort of rogue state. 

but that ecosystem is still human, with its heroes needing to clip parts of themselves away just to survive, growing old and needing to be recycled, its villains languishing in the same kinds of systems that fail everybody else who needs to be helped. it’s a quieter, tenser sort of wrongness: not strange enough that you can dissociate, but not close enough that you can completely empathise. gotham is its own creature.

1.5. i know that the reasoning behind this is more doylist than anything, but i’m so glad that joker was killed off with little fanfare right at the start of the season. he is the one man in the batverse that’s transcended its confines as this sort of ethereal boogeyman/eternal edgelord and to justify his presence in the series would mean giving him this tired, overblown importance and too much of a stab at colourful, tropey “madness” in this otherwise-subdued series. i wish all batmedia would follow suit and get rid of this fucker.

1.75. so jason is bucking scarecrow’s control! or reminding him of who exactly holds all the cards right now. circling back to what i talked about in the last review, it’s remarkable just how little time it’s been since jason’s “death” and he’s already got ‘minions’ and elaborately set up plans to track, break and kill the titans. just how long has he been planning this? when did he first look at WE weapons prototypes and think that’s something i can use to blow somebody up? and the most unsettling question: did he plan his own death at the hands of the joker just so that he could break batman?

at this point it’s obvious that the scarecrow at least started jason down this path, but it’s frightening just how far he’s travelled already.

1.8. aaagh, less than one minute in! i’ll shut up. 

2. conner washing his hands at the sink reminds me that he was directly in the line of explosion when hank got blown up and he’s probably got atomised hank-bits all over his skin that he’s desperately trying to wash off.

... you’re welcome.

2.25. conner, don’t you speak to gar fucking logan like that, sir, no!

2.3. if anything it’s the lex part of him that gave him the knowhow to recognise the weapon and build a de-activator for it. 

anyway, for that ‘half-breed’ and ‘talking tiger’ comment?

(i wish, tho, that we actually see conner more interested in the superman part of his legacy, like maybe listening to stories from gar, or even better, dick, so we get a better idea of the pressure he’s feeling to live up to that part of him and not the part that’s lex.)

((i talked about conner’s stages of moral development in his introductory episode last season, but i wonder if the next stage of his self-actualisation would be to further integrate the parts of himself and realise that they are only parts and he, conner, is an entirely different person unto himself that can make decisions on how to use what he has and what he knows. his superman abilities can be used to destroy. his lex knowledge can be used to save.))

3. oh dawn :((

3.25. is this the last we see of dawn and hank? i mean, we know donna is coming back; would it be a stretch to think they’ll try to have a go at resurrecting hank as well?

3.5. “deathstroke didn’t make us into killers.” good, because deathstroke didn’t make jason a killer either. there’s a missing step there you need to be looking for, dick. 

3.75. dick did try to break the cycle, step away from gotham, run from the possibility that he could turn into batman. it didn’t help; he couldn’t fully withdraw from his vigilante persona the same time he loathed it, and batman literally haunted him both asleep and awake. but maybe gotham doesn’t have to turn anybody into anything. maybe gotham has nothing to do with it at all. it’s about taking responsibility, realising some sacrifices are pure bullshit, and building an actual family instead of merely a team.

anyway: hugs!

(oh, also? mr “i hate flying”? i mean, there’s perfectly valid reasons to hate flying that’s not related to childhood trauma, but then again, this guy was literally a ‘flying grayson’ once. also also, remember that he also gets sea-sick. must’ve a lot of fun stories to tell.)

4. ooh that gar/kory confrontation was brief but cool!

listen, i have never seen a psychiatrist with that extravagant an office and SIR I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW--

4.5. kory’s so unused to reaching out for help and it’s breaking my heart that HPG likely is some kind of impostor that’s maybe causing her symptoms in the first place. 

kory and dick have mostly been apart this season but it’s remarkable how their journeys have paralleled each other; kory processes her grief, isolation and existential dread into a determination to take care of this new family she has, no matter what it takes; dick does much the same, forging ahead with plans and solutions until he has no fuel left in him and spirals into a massive breakdown.

4.25. listen titans this really is a TERRIBLE continuity error. we aren’t goldfish; we can clearly remember that two minutes ago it was gar’s upper arm that was burned, not his forearm. COME ON.

“sensory deprivation tank” *SNORT*

anyway, gar is the BEST

4.5. i wonder where these visions of experimentation took place. was it on tamaran, or on earth, after she came to hunt down rachel/trigon and before she lost all her memories? is HPG a part of the scientist group that experimented on her? ... god, i hope not. i mean, i think he is, but it would be cool to have some positive therapist representation in media. 

5. you’d think the van transporting a dangerous supervillain that only batman could catch would be more secure but... i’m also not entirely surprised. 

5.15. i love dick gives ZERO shits about hiding himself or even ensuring scarecrow is adequately contained. just turns away after kidnapping him in BROAD DAYLIGHT and says ‘let’s go’. I LOVE THIS DUMBASS

6. lmao gar is having a really really shitty day SOMEONE GIVE THIS MAN A BREAK or just a goddamn story arc of his own

6.5. i’m really confused about the timeline here. so... sometime ago, kory came down to earth to hunt down trigon, yeah? at some further point down the line she and her sister were kidnapped and experimented on. THEN she somehow escapes but... loses her memory? a few months pass and then we see blackfire alive and well and free; she kills faddei, can impersonate other people, and is clearly seeking out kory. but now she’s still in the experiment facility...? what’s going on?

i’m not entirely surprised about the facility being mostly deserted. either the biggest investors in this project gave up on it and it was left to the most fanatic to carry on, or they were deliberately trying to lure kory and get her to free blackfire--expand the environs of the experiment, so to speak.

7. hopefully barbara is going to get something to do other than listen to various men give her Attitude

8. how do you terrorise a terrorist? well:

i love when dick is a scary-competent motherfucker.

8.25. ooooh, the attack on crane at arkham a ploy to get crane to blackgate? nice one dick, i didn’t even think of that. but why though? to protect crane from the titans? to intercept the van to blackgate and “rescue” him? seems likely--red hood was there, except dick got to crane quicker.

9. still reeeallly unclear about the komand’r situation. was komand’r captured after s2? is this all A TRAP?? if so, why are you stepping into the only thing that can contain you, kory????

9.25. so... definite parallels between dick/jason and kory/kom here. i’m just. i’m still. really confused. i’ll shut up now.

10. this may be my favourite dick look yet:

woodsman!dick in a beanie.

10.5. i unironically love how titans has made this bizarrely-devoted-to-his-moniker, toxin-spewing supervillain into a tamer version of hannibal, psychoanalysing his victims into submission. it’s of a piece with how inward looking titans is, the way all of its villains are obsessed with how our protagonists’ minds work, to the point where they would actually spend time inside of them. 

there are no big plots to end the world. no apocalypses or endgames here. these villains collect the titans’ insecurities like infinity stones. the way the titans defeat them is by achieving character growth--literally winning by the power of love. literally “the real superpower is the friends we made along the way”!

10.7. anyway, i’m betting dick is used to this bullshit from crane and is humouring him in the service of getting more information. the story about the wolf? an implicit threat, not to mention dick getting to control what crane knows about him and what methods he would use to manipulate him.

am i giving dick too much credit here? i don’t think so. he’s really impressed me so far this season.

10.75. like. there’s a real unreliable narrator vibe coming off with every person that talks about bruce (much like how the various members of the titans talked about jason’s motivations) and to buy into crane’s talk about bruce being a psychopath is to fall for the same manipulation that jason fell for. dick is the only person who hasn’t really psychoanalysed bruce this season, and i think some part of his detective brain is piecing things together into a bigger picture.

11. i’m glad kory rescued kom but did she have to kill the scientist?

(i mean, yeah, probably - the less people know that kom escaped the less likely they’re going to have the fucking govt on their doorstep, but still.)

11.5. dick’s gonna come back to wayne manor, stare straight at komand’r and go, well which room would you like? because the team might as well adopt ANOTHER person, yeah?

12. oh MAN that red hood/nightwing fight was AMAZING! and he did the thing! the boomerang escrima thing! i’m so delighted!

12.5. the anger and disbelief in dick’s voice when he says you told crane EVERYTHING?! tells me that he knew exactly what he was telling crane himself.

12.75. “everything you are is because of him” - oh that reminds me of halluci!bruce from last season. i hope we see halluci!bruce again--he is so vicious but so entertaining... so much more effective at tearing dick down than crane or jason combined. goes to show that dick’s biggest enemy is own fucking head.

12.8. oh no! dick’s shot! crane is in the wind with red hood! blackfire is now with the titans! i love it!

honestly this season’s pacing is such a big step up from the last couple. gold star, show.

#titans #titans spoilers #meta #dick grayson #koriand'r #garfield logan #komand'r #conner kent #dawn granger #jason todd #jonathan crane #a byronic cupcake #badass strawberry truffle #manic pixie pop tart #a tragic jalebi

[zukosgay]

I see you posting about horror and I would love some recs if you have some to share 🙏

i just accidentally deleted a whole list fjahsjdasd i hate my life. anyways, i’m just gonna go ahead and assume you know the classics that get recommended all the time (the babadook, the ring, the exorcist, the vvitch, the conjuring, hereditary, the thing, insidious, etc.). here’s some underrated/indie horror movies i rarely see talked about (favs are in italics):

The not-actually-that-scary-but-still-good horror movies:

Let The Right One In (2008) – I mean, it’s literally my favorite movie/book and I have a tattoo of it, we been knew

Possum (2018) – I cannot even begin to tell you how much I adore this movie. Horror movies about CSA that explore it without once showing the actual rape, but still being terrifying/disturbing nonetheless?? Just an irish guy chilling with the puppet personification of his csa trauma????? Hells yeah (huge TW for spiders tho, i mean. I’m not scared of spiders but that fucking puppet is stil terrifying no matter how much I look at it)

Hard Candy has a soft spot in my heart. That’s my emotional support „ellen page tortures pedophiles“ movie

Thirst (2009)

Ravenous (1999) THE INHERENT ROMANTICISM OF BEING GAY AND CANNIBALS ON A MOUNTAIN. Brokeback mountain for cannibals

We Are What We Are (2010)

Marrowbone (2017)

The transfiguration (2016) – there’s so little vampire stories with black people, and i really loved how this wasn’t outright fantasy horror but had more of a ‚vampirism as an actual mental illness‘ approach

Nightbreed (1990) this movie IS lgbt cinema history

Gerald’s Game (2017) – we get it elena you love horror movies about the trauma of CSA

The autopsy of jane doe (2017) - i feel like this movie is perfect for horror fans who are tentative about seeing any big grotesque/gorey jumpscares 

As Above, So Below (2014) (the first and so far only movie that got permission to film in the paris catacombs) (also good for starters)

The Actually-Scary (at least to me) movies:

Lake Mungo (2008) ((think of TMA’s The End)) (i deadass think about this movie so often, the story is so devastating and really stays in my head. also the bg ghosts)

The [REC] franchise!!! any of those movies fuck me up and are TERRIFYING (again ff) 

I watched 30 Days of Night (2007) when it came out, when i was way too young, and it still to this day holds the spot for coolest vampire design (they modelled them after the jaws of white sharks!!! They’re supposed to be slavic strigoi) and also one of the only one times where i was actually scared by vampires

Livid (2011) (french horror movie!) (v gorey)

The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014) (found footage of a demonic mom – you’ll see a lot of FF on this list cuz i think it’s criminally underrated and terrifying if done well)

NOROI: The Curse (2005) ((ff))

Open water (2003) (this is scary to me because it’s based on a true story about a couple who went cave diving in the ocean with a guide who got LEFT BEHIND in the middle of the motherfucking ocean – with literally nothing to hold onto and no one even reporting them missing. Also, after i watched this i did a lil research and turns out there’s quite a lot of people ‚going missing‘ while taking swimming lessons where the guides will just drive to shore without them YEARLY. Fucked up if true) ((this has tma the vast vibes))

Clown (2014) (I recommend this to people who aren’t scared to like Eli Roth movies and think It Chap. 1 was boring)

Martyrs (2008) – a classic, this movie is bound to disturb you. It’s about child abuse and the survivors of child abuse enacting revenge, though it’s not the typical csa/anything similiar. HUGE tw for uhhhh, torture, self harm, mutilation etc..

Mama (2008) – the goth tattooed rocker chic jessica chastain movie

The bay (2012) (ff)

The last exorcism (2010) (ff)

The wailing (2016)

If you put on any V/H/S movie for me I’m guaranteed to shit my pants, so there’s that

May (2002) – i turned lesbophobic after watching this movie. About a lesbian obsessed with dolls i’ll say nothing more

The not-as-scary-but-still-scary-so-i-dont-wanna-put-them-in-the-first-list-in-case-i-traumatize-anyone movies:

Creep 1 & 2

The Strangers

The void (2016) ((tma the spiral))

The Hallow (2015)

The loved ones (2009) – a classic

Excision (2012) (if you liked raw)

Devil’s pass (2013)

Afflicted (2013) ((ff))

The cell (2000)

Session 9 (2001)

They Look Like People (2015)

The children (2008) – fuck them KIDS

The blackcoat’s daughter (2015)

I really liked Armie Hammer’s netflix original Wounds (2019)? IDK why. I found the story (albeit better suited as a short story) fascinating

Night Eats The World (2018) – another french movie! This time it’s about the inherent isolation and loneliness in locking yourself in a parisian apartment all alone with a bunch of zombies eating the rest of the world

Pontypool (2008)

The lure (2015) – yes, we’re polish, yes, we’re mermaids, yes, we eat men, yes, we also perform in a pop girl group WE EXIST!

I am not a serial killer (2016)

Green room (2015)

That’s it, pretty much. 

#god i saw my life flash before my eyes when i accidentally deleted the whole reply. so i did it in word instead #pirategf

[cassyapper]

jotaro kujo song analysis: “eight” by sleeping at last

i could not figure out what the fuck to title this for a long time. please forgive me ik it’s awkward but it’s the best i got

anyway the song “eight” by sleeping at last made me mentally ill so let’s get into why <3

here’s a link to the song: https://youtu.be/obi4KCh6eHQ

here’s a link to the lyrics i referenced: https://genius.com/Sleeping-at-last-eight-lyrics

be warned there are part 3, part 4, part 5, and part 6 spoilers in this

with that let’s begin.

“I remember the minute;/it was like a switch was flipped --/i was just a kid who grew up strong enough/to pick this armor up,/and suddenly it fit” Lengthy first line to start this on i know but cutting it up didn’t make sense so please forgive me… Alright let’s get to the meat of this hm? This line is about when jotaro first manifested star platinum. “I remember the minute, it was like a switch was flipped” fits perfectly with how suddenly and obviously star platinum became known to its user, as jotaro first manifests it when he’s in the middle of a fight, a fight star platinum ends very quickly and brutally. The “i was just a kid who grew up strong enough to pick this armor up” is about jotaro having the willpower to control a stand such as star platinum and not get ill over it. He “grew up strong enough to pick this armor up”, this armor being star platinum (which, yes, star platinum is armor more than a weapon because its strength is used to protect. This is stated explicitly in the jin hashimoto song “star platinum” which was written specifically with jotaro/star platinum in mind, as the title suggests). It also shows how young jotaro was re the “kid” description; he was only 17, the youngest jojo up to that point. the “and suddenly it fit” also mixes with how suddenly star platinum manifested, particularly how jotaro gained passable control over it very quickly

“God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago…/I was little, I was weak, I was perfectly naive,/and I grew up too quick.” Another long line im sorry it just doesnt make sense to cut it up 😭 Anyway this is part 6 jotaro reflecting on his past self, PARTICULARLY part 3 jotaro, which explains the “god, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago…” segment “I was little, i was weak, i was perfectly naive” is kinda gold coming from part 6 jotaro cause end of part 3 jotaro is canonically when he’s at his strongest but i dont think part 6 jotaro is talking about star platinum in this line. He’s talking about jotaro being tactless and rude and pushing away his loved aways in a disillusioned attempt to keep them safe. By part 6, jotaro has to have known his coping mechanism of self-imposed isolation wasnt fair to his loved ones/himself and it clearly didnt WORK as evidenced by jolyne’s situation, so he’s cursing his younger self for it here. Hence, the calling of part 3 jotaro “little, weak, perfectly naive.” part 3 jotaro starts making the bed that part 6 jotaro ends up having to lay in and he hates him for it. The “and I grew up too quick” part is jotaro acknowledging his trauma. Even before part 3 started jotaro clearly had issues and they just kept building and building and building from part 3 and on. Combined with his self-imposed isolation, jotaro had to grow up quick to survive, and this line is part 6 jotaro reflecting on that

“Now you won’t see all that i have to lose,/all i’ve lost in the fight to protect it.” Remember the self-imposed isolation i mentioned in the last line? This line is about why jotaro does that. He hates being vulnerable. He hates relying on others. We only see him comfortable trusting others to take care of things ONCE the entire series, during the steely dan arc, when he believes in kakyoin’s abilities to keep joseph safe and get the lovers out of him safely. ONCE out of the four parts he’s featured in, out of the three he’s prominent in. jotaro does this, as i previously mentioned, out of a disillusioned attempt to keep those he loves safe, hence the “now you won’t see all that i have to lose” line. This behavior is solidified in jotaro at the end of stardust crusaders, when the two final times he tried to trust that others would handle it resulted in the deaths of over of half those he cared the most about (he may have gotten joseph back, but don’t forget that joseph did actually die). Thus, this decisive night ties into the “all i’ve lost in the fight to protect it” line. He’s lost loved ones but he won’t lose them again, not in the same way at least. Ironically, the self-imposed isolation only puts his loved ones and himself in danger, but i can get into that later.

“I won’t let you in, i swore never again --/i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” This line kinda ties back with what i was mentioning in the last line, but it hones it a bit more on jotaro’s complete denial of being vulnerable rather than how he acts to ensure he isnt such. “I wont let you in, i swore never again” is a direct tie-in for how jotaro feels after stardust crusaders; he is never going to get as close to anyone or anything the way he was close to the crusaders ever again. Nothing is ever going to matter to him the same way and he is going to make sure of that, as the “swore never again” implies, because he is certain, at least at first, that this will keep others safe. The “i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” part goes into how selfish and arrogant jotaro’s mentality is. Don’t get me wrong, jotaro’s self-imposed isolation can be seen as selfless, especially because the main driving force behind it is to keep others safe -- but it’s not the only force driving it. Like i said, jotaro doesn’t want to be vulnerable, and to be sure he doesnt feel that way, he needs to ensure he won’t be hurt. Can’t be sad when people die if you were never close to them, right? So as much as it is to protect others, he also is protecting himself by closing off from others. It’s also arrogant of jotaro to assume he is the deciding factor of who lives and dies, that he gets to choose/manipulate the cycle of life and death by deciding on if he opens up to others. Jotaro had this mentality of being a “deciding factor” shoved into his head during the journey to egypt, and that kinda warps his worldview as a result; everything must be his fault. Things go bad surely because he let them somehow. And it’s not jotaro’s fault he’s ill in the head like this but it is still arrogant, and the “i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” line attests to this.

“I want to break these bones until theyre better/i want to break them right and feel alive” Oh jotaro you have the shittiest fuckign coping mechanisms Alright. “I want to break these bones until theyre better” ties into jotaro throwing himself into dangerous situations alone. He’s just so so damn convinced he can handle everything himself -- bc again, he is led to believe he is the deciding factor of life and death -- he just has to try. If things go wrong, it’s bc he didn’t try hard enough, hence the “break these bones until theyre better”; jotaro will hurt himself and will be convinced he deserved it until he “learns” how to be perfect like he’s “supposed” to be. But being perfect isnt something you can learn, you mentally ill motherfucker jotaro. anyway “I want to break them right and feel alive” ties into the fact jotaro would rather break his body over and over and over rather than tell his loved ones he cares. The only right way to be hurt to him is taking a hit that was meant for those he loves. Jotaro is very much a man of action rather than a man of word, and this line is about his rather unique way of acting (that is, getting beat the fuck up over and over) Basically jotaro can’t tell the people he loves that he, well, loves them, unless he is literally dying. Examples of what i mean: jotaro preferred going on a perilous, 50-day journey to just telling holly he loved her; jotaro preferred getting beat over the head with a rock in the lovers arc rather than risk hurting joseph; jotaro preferred to literally get blown up by sheer heart attack rather than tell koichi to his face he is a good kid; jotaro stepped knowingly into a trap for jolyne and had to literally believe he was in fact saying his last words before he uttered “i’ve always cherished you.”

“You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong --/my healing needed more than time” Oh my GODDDddDDDdcdd im sobbing as i type jotaro your head is so so damn ill Okay so i see him spitting this line towards joseph. Let me explain Joseph would no doubt pick up on jotaro’s ptsd and he’ll do his best to console jotaro over the deaths of their friends. But see joseph is ALSO an ill in the head idiot whose idea of therapy is electroshock and who calls ptsd “shell shock”. So all he can offer to jotaro is “youll feel better in time” because that was kinda true for him; he managed to move on in time. What joseph fails to realize is what made him feel better was not time, but the support of those remaining in his life (lisa lisa, suziq, erina, smokey). But jotaro listens and tries to give it time but the thing with jotaro is he just gets worse and worse as time wears on because he deliberately cut himself off from anyone who could console him (as well as got continually traumatized throughout his life), so time never helped but actually made things worse. Thus jotaro spitting “you were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong, my healing needed more than time”. In terms of timeline, probably happens right after part 5 jotaro stares longingly at the crusaders picture

“When i see fragile things, helpless things, broken things/i see the familiar” Im sorry every new line i start to analyze i begin crying so im just letting you all know incase the coherency takes a dip (as if this was coherent in the first place lmfao) Anyway so this line in relation to Jotaro is about how he projects HARD on the new generation. We see this w his interactions w josuke and koichi, the “fragile things” (there is no way he didnt see koichi as a filler for kakyoin im sorry. Also he just wants josuke safe with his friends like how he wished he was safe with his own friends as a teenager), how he was wary of giorno, “the helpless things” (jotaro is scared he’ll be similar to his dad, just like jotaro is similar enough to dio to share the same stand power…), and his interactions w jolyne, “the broken things” (angry teen in a prison? Come now). 

“I was little, i was weak, i was perfect too/now i’m a broken mirror” Throwback to the second line. Once again part 6 jotaro is reflecting but the difference here is that part 3 was when jotaro was last unashamedly happy, but more than that, part 3 jotaro was on his way to healing before everything went to shit. like i mentioned earlier, jotaro only relies on someone else completely once, and that happens in part 3. Jotaro is finally able to trust in someone else’s capabilities, which is what he needed to do before he could allow anyone to help him with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Hence, why part 6 jotaro would describe him as “perfect”; because he would’ve been perfect enough if he could just trust in others like that again But as the line suggests, that went wrong. Jotaro is now a “broken mirror,” which alludes to the fact that while he projects onto the kids, the kids (the ones that know him at least) project onto him as well, especially jolyne, because in part 6 she finally figures out her dad’s thought processes, as she is experiencing those patterns of thinking too. Jotaro is a role model for them in the sense of “see him? Do the opposite of what he did” KJ;DNJ;DN;SN

“But i can’t let you see all that i have to lose/all that i’ve lost in the fight to protect it” Same meaning as before mostly but the repetition is important me thinks because it mimics jotaro like frantically trying to remind himself why he must be distant when all he wanted to do was go home to jolyne and be her father

“I can’t let you in --/ i swore never again,/ i can’t afford to let myself be blindsided” This means roughly the same thing as the previous line that’s similar to this, but the “i can’t afford to let myself be blindsided” is less about jotaro’s selfishness/arrogance and more about how he believes enemies will use his loved ones against him and how goddamn, it would work, it would work so well because jotaro loves so, so damn much It’s a shame distancing himself didn’t work the way he wanted it to and ended up making his loved ones even more vulnerable than they would have been otherwise

“I’m standing guard,/i’m falling apart/and all i want to do is to trust you” (Begins screaming and doesn’t stop) okay so this line is about jotaro and jolyne during the beginning of stone ocean “Im standing guard” alludes to the fact that jotaro is still desperately trying to appear distant and uninterested even as he attempts to break his fucking daughter out of prison “I’m falling apart” ties into jotaro failing miserably at remaining cold towards jolyne, how he eventually caves in and tells her he loves her in addition to taking a literal bullet for her, using time stop to ensure he can make it to her to do so. and also this line ties into how he is literally physically shot and how his memories and stand are taken from him “And all i want to do is to trust you” is directed towards jolyne of course. God his whole “i’ve always cherished you” ties in with this line; like i mentioned earlier, jotaro by part 6 knows his self-imposed isolation is useless, but old habits die hard and also he was in very deep by the time he accepted there was no reason to go in the first place at all. So he doesn’t know how to change, he doesn’t know how to trust jolyne, it’d been 20ish years since he last trusted someone completely, but god he wants to. He wants to trust her. It’s all he wants to do hence this line

“Show me how to lay my sword down/for long enough to let you through” So continuing from the last line, jotaro just wants to let jolyne in. he wants to learn how to do that. I think this line is actually directed towards his younger self; 17 year old jotaro managed to let in a person once, after all (more than one person in fact, but all the crusaders). This would also make more sense w my interpretation of how part 6 jotaro calls part 3 jotaro “perfect” in this regard Essentially it’s jotaro thumbing through his memories to figure out how his past self gathered the security to trust in someone else wholeheartedly...which makes the fact that pucci steals his memories particularly fucked up in this context

“Here i am, pry me open/what do you want to know?” Another line directed toward jolyne. “Here i am, pry me open” refers to how after jotaro tells jolyne he cherishes her, all cards are on the table. He’s shown vulnerability, might as well go full throttle. So, he’s willing to talk to jolyne for the first time ever, especially because she’s a stand user now “What do you want to know?” ties into jotaro being willing to open up, but also the fact that jolyne doesnt really know her dad ):

“I’m just a kid who grew up scared enough/to hold the door shut/and bury my innocence” Hhnghg begins wailing this line is again about post-egypt jotaro. A lot of jotaro’s like...emotional maturation (and even some physical) occurred during the trip to egypt and immediately afterward. he’s in pain and desperately trying to rationalize a way he can be in control of never letting something like what happened in egypt happen again, hence the “im just a kid who grew up scared enough” “To hold the door shut” refers to how jotaro cut off other people, even the people who used to know him very well, like joseph and polnareff and holly “And bury my innocence” i mentioned this in another line but this bit also refers to how jotaro had to grow up quickly to survive, considering his self-imposed isolation and his life path of chasing down dio’s remnants

“But here’s a map, here’s a shovel/here’s my Achilles’ heel” This line is SUPPOSED to be directed toward jolyne but inadvertently it is also directed toward pucci. When jotaro says fuck it and gives up on his pretense of disinterest in jolyne, finally letting her know he loves her, he’s finally building the frame of a bridge to jolyne; he’s ready to do what he’s wanted to for so long, no matter how vulnerable it makes him, and that is to be jolyne’s father. However, pucci takes note of this; he knows to aim for jolyne in the final battle because of jotaro’s earlier actions when he tries breaking jolyne out of prison. It really is a shame how the narrative keeps fucking enforcing jotaro’s shitty self-imposed isolation

“I’m all in, palms out, i’m at your mercy now and i’m ready to begin/i am strong, i am strong, i am strong enough to let you in” Hmm i imagine this line being when jotaro meets back up with jolyne after he gets his memory disk back. The first thing he does is hug her and cradle her close to him, showing off to the world, right in front of pucci, how much his daughter means to him. But jotaro, at least for the moment, is not scared to be vulnerable anymore. Ever since he decided to give up his cold facade, he was ready to let jolyne in, and he finally has the chance to do that at least a little right before the final battle, which is what this line is about

“I’ll shake the ground with all my might/i will pull my whole heart up to the surface” Final battle in stone ocean,,, What the “i’ll shake the ground will all my might” line refers to is jotaro’s willingness to use star platinum the world during the battle. He’s ready to go all in to save the world, and most importantly, save jolyne, even if he has to use the source of his greatest trauma to do it. Jotaro’s a key player and he knows it, has known it for a long time, and this time he’s going to use that for his happy ending. And well, as i mentioned in the last line, jotaro’s done with the self-isolation and throws himself into the role of jolyne’s father, at least as much as he has the right to throw himself into. This is mostly what the “i will pull my whole heart up to the surface” line refers to

“For the innocent, for the vulnerable/i’ll show up to the frontlines with a purpose” More stone ocean final battle. The “innocent and vulnerable” jotaro is showing up for are jolyne, namely, but also hermes and emporio, and beyond that, the world. Jotaro understands how serious this is and he’s always been a force meant for protection, so he is here to do just that, which is what the “i’ll show up to the frontlines with a purpose” line refers to. Jotaro doesnt believe he’s a good person -- and he might not be, in the grand scheme of things -- but he does fight for what he believes is right, he always has, he mentions this way back in stardust crusaders during his fight with kakyoin. He’s never going to let injustice stand, especially not when he knows he’s such a key player

“And i’ll give all i have, i’ll give my blood, give my sweat --/an ocean of tears will spill for what is broken” This line actually applies to all the “final battles” jotaro has been involved in; part 3, part 4, and part 6. Jotaro, as i mentioned in the last line, has a strong sense of justice and is a force that first and foremost tries to protect, which the “i’ll give all i have, i’’l give my blood, give my sweat” part of this line refers to. Jotaro gives his all, has given his all, to rid the world of dio’s influence, he ruined his entire fucking life to do so, and this line gives credence to that. “An ocean of tears will spill for what is broken” refers to jotaro mourning all the what-ifs in his life, which are all tied with how the outcomes of these final battles go. If part 3 didnt end the way it did, jotaro would know how to trust still, he wouldve been happy even, maybe he wouldnt have had to sacrifice the rest of his life to dio; if part 4 didn’t end the way it did, maybe jotaro couldve gone home to his daughter, maybe he couldve been a bit of a better dad (this is because kids were involved in part 4 even if they didn’t try to because stand users attract stand users, and jotaro couldnt risk doing that to his daughter, so he ends up never coming home); and now for part 6, jotaro hopes that if it ends just a little better than the previous two, jotaro could at least died a satisfying death of sacrificing himself for jolyne, or maybe even got a chance to try mending his relationship with jolyne if they both survive

“I’m shattered porcelain, glued back together again” So this line speaks to both physical and emotional states Jotaro was physically “shattered porcelain” when he lost his stand and memory and also was shot, and he was “glued back together again” when he got medical attention and jolyne got back his disks Jotaro was emotionally “shattered porcelain” due to the fact he couldnt trust anyone completely since he was 17 goddamn years old but he’s “glued back together again” in the sense he’s ready to finally, finally try and be vulnerable in order to save his relationship with jolyne

“Invincible like i’ve never been” This line hurts so fucking much because i believe jotaro was optimistic, all things considered, at the beginning of the final fight in stone ocean. After all, he knows he’s an important figure in all this, he has his stand disk and memories back, he and jolyne and the others have a plan, and he has a future he wants to fight for in addition to the world’s continued functioning So he feels “invincible” like he’s never felt before because not even during the part 3 final battle with dio did he have the hope for the future he has now. But then. Then pucci brings out the knives. And the man who could control time never had enough in the end. He dies and cant even save jolyne with his death. The world ends. He failed. I think this is perfectly represented with how suddenly the song ends. It just perfectly encapsulates the tragedy that is jotaro kujo and i cant stop fucking thinking about it

thanks for reading all this if you did. jotaro kujo makes me feel mentally ill

#cass cries #cass creates #jjba #jojo #jojo's bizarre adventure #jojos bizarre adventure #jojo no kimyou na bouken #jojo no kimyō na bōken #jotaro kujo #kujo jotaro #jotaro #meta #song analysis #jojo meta #jjba meta #jotaro kujo meta #long post #stone ocean #stardust crusaders #diamond is unbreakable

[fluorescenthell]

Going Mad At A Wednesday Night

chaotic ramble about multiple topics while my sanity is slipping away, again.

1. Rage Is Visiting Bring The Fine China So I Can Break It 

rage visited me today, in between seconds when and where my mind stood bare, rage whispered violence and i gritted my teeth with homicide tearing at my skull, i know that i don’t crave to cause suffering, i know deep in my very heart that i don’t want to hurt anyone. it’s surely a deep rooted trauma that i am yet to uncover i just need to break myself to find it and try to do something to mend me. then hopefully this rage will bid me farewell and leave with all of its hurricanes and quakes.

2. God You Motherfucker

lately, as in the last three years, as my mental state deteriorated i directed all my rage and fury toward god, i would look at the sky and says:” i bet you liked that you sadistic fuck.”. nothing but loathing and madness, i can no longer think of the “merciful” without simmering with rage. i guess that’s because i blame him for everything, and to be honest he’s to blame. i don’t have it on me to go on and on about my religious trauma, it sucks and i gotta thanks my fucked up family for it. i only like the ideas of majestic angels surrounding me day and night to protect me but also those bitches be snitching so yeah i got that too.

3. They Are Watching Me And I’m Not Scared

i don’t believe everything my schizo head tells me, like there’s a fifty-fifty chance, a possibility you know? i don’t believe it but i also don’t completely dismiss it. and i half believe in a strange way that beyond us and the universes and god and reality somewhere in an unrecognized space that can be only known by unknown plane of existence in which the mind is introduced to the knowledge of entities who communicate with me and have bigger plans for me.

you see, since i was 14 i knew - or sensed- about the existence of a being and their plans for me, i felt like i was on a quest a journey, but with an unknown end goal and unknown trails, i always thought it was god himself so i became super religious and paranoid about committing sins, i stopped talking to anyone i isolated myself more, then at 19 i guess it clicked that maybe it’s not god.

some pure entity, not good not evil, only pure and they watch over me, they are in everything but they are not everything. they guide me as the watcher.

do i believe this completely with my whole heart? no, but a piece of me do and it wishes for them to be true. i guess its because i feel safe with the mere thought of them.

4. Did it Hurt? to Know That I Can’t Feel Love

i have been feeling very insecure lately, it physically hurt. i feel. no i know that i am so unlovable. i feel my personality is awful and i have nothing to offer. i am just a shell consumed by mental illness, but the thing is i have always been feeling like this, since i was a little kid.

it’s not new for me to feel out of place, alienated, ignored. and no i am not saying this out of self pity, I'm stating facts. but still i do wonder, is my perspective of reality really distorted? maybe. 

but i also isolate myself, i don’t open up to people, i don’t give anyone the chance to know me, i am suspicious of others, but i crave meaningful friendships, and the cycle loops back.

and strangers random kindness and acquaintances genuine care for my wellbeing struck me like lightning, and i wish i had and have people who actually care, because i know i care about people- in spite of the fact i feel nothing toward them- and try my best to help them.

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THE END 

i can’t wait to look back on this and cringe i basically need help or be hit by a car

#schizotypal #stpd #tw vent #unreality #yes i write like this bc idk how to deal with my feelings #tw homicidal ideation #tw suicidal ideation #tw sh #my english is shit too : )

[manyfandomsonelog]

🌟 for any section u wanna talk about ;) 🌟

OKAY I FINALLY FINISHED MY HOMEWORK AND I CAN ANSWER THIS. OKAY. OKAY. OKAY. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT CHAPTER 65 AND 66. (The most recent chapters.)

*Spoilers Ahead For What You Can Stand*

So. Roman comforting Virgil after a nightmare, and the two of them falling asleep together. HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?! I have been wanting to write that for SO LONG, and it still makes me go FUCKING INSANE just thinking about it. Okay. Okay. Let me go get some quotes.

Virgil slowly stopped struggling, beginning to come into consciousness. He opened his eyes blearily. They were wet with tears.“Roman..?”Roman let out a sigh, loosening his grip on Virgil’s shoulders, “Virgil.”

This highlights the key dynamic I was going for with the writing of this scene. The dichotomy between Virgil’s fear and inner turmoil versus his natural sense of comfort and safety in Roman’s presence. This is SO IMPORTANT! The moment that he realizes who it is, he immediately feels safer.

It was important to me that when dealing with Virgil’s nightmares, I didn’t make them magically go away at any point. They are a core part of who he is in What You Can Stand, and they are, in many ways, representative of mental illness. (Obviously, the case of Remus is a lot different than Virgil’s, and has less to do with mental health and more to do with morality and self-destruction.) Virgil’s nightmares are something he’s dealt with for almost his entire life, and something he has had to learn to cope with. While it might seem like a cute idea to make it so that having someone with him will make the nightmares go away, it just didn’t feel right. “Never fear, Virgil. I’m right here. Everything- woah!“ Virgil pulled Roman forward into a sudden hug, digging his chin into the side of Roman’s neck. As soon as he realized what was happening, Roman allowed himself to be pulled, and wrapped his arms around Virgil, shifting onto the bed next to him so they were both more comfortable.He began to rub Virgil’s back in soothing circles, “I’ve got you.” He whispered. “Everything is going to be alright, Virgil.”

To me, it felt a lot more tender for Roman to be his steadying presence, someone who can comfort him after his nightmare and reassure him that he’s not alone, and that it’s not real. Virgil’s nightmares are always something that he’s been ashamed of, something that has isolated him from others. First, and the worst for his mental state, his parents, then, the other students at the academy. His nightmares push other people away from him, and he hates them. That’s why he was so afraid to open up about them, and so afraid to let anyone see him in that state.

And, finally,

Virgil woke up slowly, casually, drifting in and out of sleep. It was a rare moment in which he found himself feeling both safe and comfortable, but this was one of those moments.

However, though he was comfortable, he was lying on top of the covers, and he wasn’t as warm as he would’ve liked. A shiver ran down his back, and he snuggled closer to Roman, who shifted, throwing an arm over Virgil’s middle.

This. THIS. For the first time since Virgil was a CHILD, he feels safe. He wakes up NOT ALONE. He has a comforting presence beside him, someone who has seen the worst of him, and yet still chooses to help him, again and again. Someone who he loves, even if he hasn’t told him that yet. THAT, my friend, is what makes me lose my FUCKING MIND.

Thank your for coming to my motherfucking TED Talk.

[secondhand-sheep-shack]

So, very accurate.

My sincerest apologies for being mostly absent from posting. Mental health and being a good human to myself took a long slide in the wrong direction.

Self care means taking your meds and turning off the phone.

I've also been trying to make sure 3rd noob gets some actual training. Though I learned tonight that he knows everything. So no amount of help will get him past his belief in his abilities being far superior to what is reality.

Plus i had a guy at work pull a prank on me. I already didn't like the guy. After the prank, I value him less than I did. Who the fuck goes to a coworker you don't know very well,tell them you quit, wave, grab your stuff and leave...as a motherfucking prank?

"He was just joking."

"Yeah. Real fucking funny."

I spent 25 minutes having a full blown panic attack in the isolation of the bathroom. I'd already had a long ass week,worked 4 - 10hr shifts, had almost no sleep and creepy guy thinks he's funny.

Then he tried to apologize for the joke by BLAMING his mental illness. "I have really bad social anxiety disorder and really bad generalized anxiety disorder. But it's okay, I don't rely on the crutch of medication. I am the practical joker, but nobody here knows me well enough to know that."

Dude blamed his dumbass behavior on his illness for which he's not medicated...

That's what sent my anxious ass into a panic attack. Because he had to mention the 'crutch of medication.' I'd already got called out for snapping at an older female coworker who is nosy as shit. I'd been doing good with my meds and then she started commenting that I am too young to need "all those drugs."

I asked her what age is old enough to need those meds, in her expert opinion. "How about the friend whose 3 month old has stage 4 neuroblastoma?" "How about a friend I had growing up with epilepsy and EDS?" "How about my grandfather at 102 who didn't need anything?" "How about you mind your own health and stop withe ageism when it comes to chronic illness or disease?" I laid out the meds and told her what each is for.

Iron - I'm anemic - I don't absorb from food in large enough quantities.

B12 - I'm slightly deficient.

Flomax - I have chronic kidney stones.

Gabapentin - I have neuralgia in my arms and hands. Working here doesn't help.

Tylenol - this is what I use for pain.

Wellbutrin XL - seasonal (and) general depression

Buspar - anxiety - from worrying about busybodies and my job.

Vistaril - anxiety (for attacks more than maintenance) and allergies - because it's the precursor to Zyrtec.

Magnesium chelate - because I'm deficient.

Folate - because I'm deficient

Vitamin C - because it helps me absorb the iron.

Calcium - because I'm very deficient

Tramadol - for days when tylenol isn't enough.

Mobic - because I've had open joint knee surgery and I have numerous issues with various joints.

Things I carry but don't take daily - Toradol (kidney stone pain help) Percocet or norco (pain - kidney stone passage help), zofran (anti-nausea) Benzonatate (cough suppressant)

Tell me again which ones I DON'T need.

She complained to our boss that I was rude. I told him that her telling me I'm too young to need medications is what's rude. She is in her 60s. She doesn't take anything. Great for her. I don't have that luxury. She's since been placed on medical leave for slipping and breaking her leg. She's apparently in a lot of pain. Gee.

So yeah and I had to sort shit every day for the last 12 working days.

#myshit

[nomanismyequal]

OH MY FUCKING GOD! YOU HATED ME SO PERFECTLY THAT I COULD NOT WANT TO STOP DYING AN ISOLATED DEPRESSIVE SUICIDAL NIGHTMARE HEROIN WAS MY PERFECT ALLY. YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME IN SUCH DESPICABLE WAYS LIKE MAKING ME SERVANT FOR YOUR OWN LAZINESS AND YOU SAID YOU WOULD FEEL ME WORTH FIFTY BUCKS TO CLEAN YOUR PIGSTYE HOUSE YOU DO NOT CLEAN YOURSELVES BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAVE TIME.! I LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND YOU KNOW YOU GOSSIPPED ABOUT HOW FUCKING STUPID I WAS AND YOUR SHITTY PREDATOR FRIENDS HATE ME SO MUCH I DID NOT EVEN QUALIFY FOR MEMBERSHIP IN YOUR PERFECT PROGRAM WHERE ALL YOU NEED TO DO FOR MAJESTY IN SIMILARITY AND JUST ALL YOU DO IS QUIT SHOOTING HEROIN! YOUR FUCKING WEIGHT LOSS TWELVE STEP PROGRAM THAT TAKES YOU SO FUCKING INSANELY LONG YOU CANNOT EVEN TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN YOU HAVE LEFT ALONE TO RAISE THEMSELVES PLAYING AMONGST US WHERE FAKE IS THE STAKE YOU CLAIM!! I PULLED MY HEAD OUT IF YOUR ORBITAL BONE AND I FUCKING STOPPED BELIEVING YOUR LIES AND I FINALLY FOUND OUT WHO I REALLY AM AND GOD CAME SHINING THROUGH YOUR EVIL AND TOXIC DEATH CLOUD OF SHIT YOU SPEW FROM FORKED TONGUES WHICH YOU USE TO LICK EACH OTHERS ASS HOLES!! I FUGURED OUT BECAUSE GOD LET ME FIGHT YOU WITH FURIOUS TRUTH AND DIGNITY WHILE YOU THREW ASSAULT AFTER ASSAULT AT MY HEAD LETTING SATAN SPEN TOO MANY HOURS TEASING ME FOR BELIEVING YOU!! I WHOOPED THAT NIGGER SATANS ASS LIKE A BOSS LIKE I AM AND MADE THAT COCKSUCKER MOTHER FUCKER MY WHORE! YOU PUNK BITCH NIGGER HOUSERS ARE FAKERS AND ALL LIARS WHICH USE AND TAKE ADVANTAGE THINKING YOURE SO SUPERIOR AND I NOW KNOW BETTER!YOO CUNTING FUCKING SATANIC WHORE COCK SUCKING PARASITES ARE SO FAR ABOVE YOUR SELVES AND I AM SO INSIGNIFICANT IN MY OWN MIND BECAUSE I FUCKING KNOW EVERYTHING YOU DO NOT EVEN COMPREHEND IN SYLLABUSES!!GOD GAVE ME HINDSIGHT AND TRUTHFUL ANGERED AWAKENING AND NOW I KNOW YOU AS YOU ARE!UGLY ASS TO MOUTH PIGS WHO JUST LOVE TO ROLL IN YOUR DISGUSTING SHITE! I STOPPED BUYING YOUR AS IS GOODS OF DEATHLY ILLNESSES AND IMAGINE MY AMAZEMENT! I LEARNED I AM SO LOVABLE THAT YOU ARE NOW SWINE I NEVER WANT TO SEE EVEN TEN THOUSAND MILES AWAY FOR YOUR PUTRIFICATION IS SO ROTTING INSIDE YOU THAT YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE CESSPOOLS IN SKIN AND YOU ARE FUCKING GNARLY LOOKING NARCISSIST NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS DILDOS OF EVIL AND GO FUCK YOURSELF! YOU ARE SO UNEDUCATED THAT YOU WILL NOT SO MUCH AS UNDERSTAND ME WHEN I TELL YOU “IT IS OVER AND I HAVE BROKEN UP WITH YOU AND I AM LOVING SOMEONE WORTHY WHO HAS SUCH FORTITUDE AND COURAGEOUS UNAPOLOGETICALLY SERIOUSLY BAD MOTHER FUCKING ASS AND I KNOW WHAT DID NOT KILL ME AND NOW I HAVE DEMONS ON LEASHES LIKE WRETCHED AND VILE BULLDOGS WHO OBEY MY EVERY COMMAND AND YOUR OWN RUDIMENTARY RIDICULOUSNESS OF PURE MORONIC VOID IN THAT GREAT MENTAL ABYSS YOU CALL INTELLIGENT!! I STOPPED GIVING A FUCK ABOUT YOU AND NOW I LIVE EVERY MOMENT ON FIRE ALIVE AND FOR THE FIRST TIME I AM SO COMPLETELY WHOLE YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGIVABLE AS I LOVE HATING YOUR SICKNESS IN SKINS!! GO FUCKOFF AND LIVE A LONG FUCKING EMPTY LIFE WITHOUT ME BECAUSE GO FUCK EACH OTHER IN THE ASSES WITH THOSE SPLITTY SHITTY FRENCH KISSING MOUTHS!FUCKING EW ALL INSIDE AND ALL OVER YOU!YOU MAKE ME PUKE WITH YOU CALLOUS AND DEAD HEARTS!! I AM NOW PUSHING YOU DOWN AND BEHIND ME GETTING YOU SATAN WHORES BEHIND ME FOREVER!!I LOVE HATING YOU MUCH MORE THAN I EVER LIKED LOVING YOU! YOU ARE THE TIXIC RELATIONSHIP I HAVE LEFT FOR LIFE IN MY PAST WITH SELF RESPECT AND PRUDE FOR FIGHTING HARD ENOUGH TO LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO BE MY FAVORITE HUMAN BEING SPIRITUALLY BAD MOTHERFUCKING HEALER WITH SILENT TRUTH THAT SEVERS YOUR UMBILICUM FLUID LEAKING FROM YOUR YEASTY BEASTY CAVERNOUS CROTCHETY CROCHES YOU CROCHET WITH WAXING TO YANK YOUR BUSHY BEAVER HAIRDO INTO THAT POINT DOWNWARD SAYING DUMP YOUR CUMPTRUCK HERE!YOU ARE FUCKING GROSS!🤮🤮🤮

OH MY FUCKING GOD! YOU HATED ME SO PERFECTLY THAT I COULD NOT WANT TO STOP DYING AN ISOLATED DEPRESSIVE SUICIDAL NIGHTMARE HEROIN WAS MY PERFECT ALLY. YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME IN SUCH DESPICABLE WAYS LIKE MAKING ME SERVANT FOR YOUR OWN LAZINESS AND YOU SAID YOU WOULD FEEL ME WORTH FIFTY BUCKS TO CLEAN YOUR PIGSTYE HOUSE YOU DO NOT CLEAN YOURSELVES BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAVE TIME.! I LOVED YOU SO MUCH AND YOU KNOW YOU GOSSIPPED ABOUT HOW FUCKING STUPID I WAS AND YOUR SHITTY PREDATOR FRIENDS HATE ME SO MUCH I DID NOT EVEN QUALIFY FOR MEMBERSHIP IN YOUR PERFECT PROGRAM WHERE ALL YOU NEED TO DO FOR MAJESTY IN SIMILARITY AND JUST ALL YOU DO IS QUIT SHOOTING HEROIN! YOUR FUCKING WEIGHT LOSS TWELVE STEP PROGRAM THAT TAKES YOU SO FUCKING INSANELY LONG YOU CANNOT EVEN TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN YOU HAVE LEFT ALONE TO RAISE THEMSELVES PLAYING AMONGST US WHERE FAKE IS THE STAKE YOU CLAIM!! I PULLED MY HEAD OUT IF YOUR ORBITAL BONE AND I FUCKING STOPPED BELIEVING YOUR LIES AND I FINALLY FOUND OUT WHO I REALLY AM AND GOD CAME SHINING THROUGH YOUR EVIL AND TOXIC DEATH CLOUD OF SHIT YOU SPEW FROM FORKED TONGUES WHICH YOU USE TO LICK EACH OTHERS ASS HOLES!! I FUGURED OUT BECAUSE GOD LET ME FIGHT YOU WITH FURIOUS TRUTH AND DIGNITY WHILE YOU THREW ASSAULT AFTER ASSAULT AT MY HEAD LETTING SATAN SPEN TOO MANY HOURS TEASING ME FOR BELIEVING YOU!! I WHOOPED THAT NIGGER SATANS ASS LIKE A BOSS LIKE I AM AND MADE THAT COCKSUCKER MOTHER FUCKER MY WHORE! YOU PUNK BITCH NIGGER HOUSERS ARE FAKERS AND ALL LIARS WHICH USE AND TAKE ADVANTAGE THINKING YOURE SO SUPERIOR AND I NOW KNOW BETTER!YOO CUNTING FUCKING SATANIC WHORE COCK SUCKING PARASITES ARE SO FAR ABOVE YOUR SELVES AND I AM SO INSIGNIFICANT IN MY OWN MIND BECAUSE I FUCKING KNOW EVERYTHING YOU DO NOT EVEN COMPREHEND IN SYLLABUSES!!GOD GAVE ME HINDSIGHT AND TRUTHFUL ANGERED AWAKENING AND NOW I KNOW YOU AS YOU ARE!UGLY ASS TO MOUTH PIGS WHO JUST LOVE TO ROLL IN YOUR DISGUSTING SHITE! I STOPPED BUYING YOUR AS IS GOODS OF DEATHLY ILLNESSES AND IMAGINE MY AMAZEMENT! I LEARNED I AM SO LOVABLE THAT YOU ARE NOW SWINE I NEVER WANT TO SEE EVEN TEN THOUSAND MILES AWAY FOR YOUR PUTRIFICATION IS SO ROTTING INSIDE YOU THAT YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE CESSPOOLS IN SKIN AND YOU ARE FUCKING GNARLY LOOKING NARCISSIST NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS DILDOS OF EVIL AND GO FUCK YOURSELF! YOU ARE SO UNEDUCATED THAT YOU WILL NOT SO MUCH AS UNDERSTAND ME WHEN I TELL YOU “IT IS OVER AND I HAVE BROKEN UP WITH YOU AND I AM LOVING SOMEONE WORTHY WHO HAS SUCH FORTITUDE AND COURAGEOUS UNAPOLOGETICALLY SERIOUSLY BAD MOTHER FUCKING ASS AND I KNOW WHAT DID NOT KILL ME AND NOW I HAVE DEMONS ON LEASHES LIKE WRETCHED AND VILE BULLDOGS WHO OBEY MY EVERY COMMAND AND YOUR OWN RUDIMENTARY RIDICULOUSNESS OF PURE MORONIC VOID IN THAT GREAT MENTAL ABYSS YOU CALL INTELLIGENT!! I STOPPED GIVING A FUCK ABOUT YOU AND NOW I LIVE EVERY MOMENT ON FIRE ALIVE AND FOR THE FIRST TIME I AM SO COMPLETELY WHOLE YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGIVABLE AS I LOVE HATING YOUR SICKNESS IN SKINS!! GO FUCKOFF AND LIVE A LONG FUCKING EMPTY LIFE WITHOUT ME BECAUSE GO FUCK EACH OTHER IN THE ASSES WITH THOSE SPLITTY SHITTY FRENCH KISSING MOUTHS!FUCKING EW ALL INSIDE AND ALL OVER YOU!YOU MAKE ME PUKE WITH YOU CALLOUS AND DEAD HEARTS!! I AM NOW PUSHING YOU DOWN AND BEHIND ME GETTING YOU SATAN WHORES BEHIND ME FOREVER!!I LOVE HATING YOU MUCH MORE THAN I EVER LIKED LOVING YOU! YOU ARE THE TIXIC RELATIONSHIP I HAVE LEFT FOR LIFE IN MY PAST WITH SELF RESPECT AND PRUDE FOR FIGHTING HARD ENOUGH TO LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO BE MY FAVORITE HUMAN BEING SPIRITUALLY BAD MOTHERFUCKING HEALER WITH SILENT TRUTH THAT SEVERS YOUR UMBILICUM FLUID LEAKING FROM YOUR YEASTY BEASTY CAVERNOUS CROTCHETY CROCHES YOU CROCHET WITH WAXING TO YANK YOUR BUSHY BEAVER HAIRDO INTO THAT POINT DOWNWARD SAYING DUMP YOUR CUMPTRUCK HERE!YOU ARE FUCKING GROSS!🤮🤮🤮

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[homiro]

You know what? If y'all can say that being negative and angry because of my trauma means I shouldn't have friends, I'm going to fucking say this.

I apologise before never speaking to the person again after they tell me I'm a piece of shit and make them feel bad.

I have guilt issues, actually, I apologise ad nauseam and it still doesn't make me feel better so what I do is cop-out, aka fuck off and go back to avoidance and isolation, which some fucking 'uwu actually I also have a lot of problems so shut up and don't be negative and angry' person said was a toxic trait. Let it be a fucking toxic trait. Why am I being demonised for literally doing what you're implying you want me to do?

And you want to know something fucking hilarious? When it's other people fucking me over and making me feel like shit, all I get is a shitty half-arsed apology when I do get an apology at all, naturally because why would anyone apologise to the negative angry motherfucker, right? And if you think I don't talk to them again, you're right. I don't think I'm right and I feel guilty for even daring to express my discomfort and negative emotions but I fuck off because I'm not a fucking doormat.

I never excuse my meltdowns with my mental illness and that deadass pushes people away without me even doing it first. Not to fucking mention that I always listen when it's the other person's turn to vent. But when it's me, it's suddenly toxic and bad. Yeah, fuck that. People really have very convoluted ways to say they're psychophobic and self-absorbed.

"You have to put yourself out there and meet people!" yeah, no. I'm not neurotypical, I have too much baggage. I don't deserve friends and I can't even communicate properly. I will likely die alone and society won't even bat an eye because I dare not to pretend that everything is fine all the time. I'm tired of trying.

#vent #mental health #actually neurodiverse #im really fucking tired of this #can't handle my negativity even tho i listen to your damn vents as well? #go to hell and i'll stay in hell alone

[earthquacksugarskull-blog]

#vanlife - not just a hastag

Hi there,

I am EarthQuackSugarSkull and I am a Filmmaker born and bred in London, currently residing in the north of England and loving it. just luvvinit. I moved to South Africa when I was 18 with my mum, to explore the world, travel, grow and ended up studying my BA in filmmaking in Durban. After I completed my course I moved to The North and now... here I am.

So here is my life at the moment: I am a part-time Postgraduate Filmmaking student, meaning I have school and lectures one day a week, though the majority of my course is ‘self-motivated’...ugh... which translates to: Do it yourself. Good luck. SO I am currently working on 2 films, one which is on pause to make way for the other one, which I am making progress with and hope to screen it at an exhibition at the end of June 2018. I try to leave 2-3 days a week (including school) to dedicate completely to working on the film. I also work 4-5 shifts a week at a pub, most of which are night shifts.... which makes waking up early... challenging, especially after working several nights in a row... after the 4th night I do nothing but sleep the next day...I work to make money for the film - the props, paying actors and crew, any location payments, travel expenses and festival entries. While I have managed to scrounge a little extra here and there, the film’s main budget comes from my work at the pub. I enjoy the job, don't get me wrong, but it isn't what I want to be doing. the late nights, constantly being ill from picking up snotty tissues, smelling like an alcoholic, walking home alone at night... there are many things I dislike about the job which... at this point in my life and after 6 years in the industry, I am ready to move away from. 

I consider my other skills: videography, photography, sound mixing, editing and other filmy stuff and apply for those jobs in my area. I find a couple but most of them are for a month or two at the most, and are paid in exposure bucks which are all very cute but don't pay the bills... furthermore the majority of work that I can get at my level are in London, for sporadic amounts of time at sporadic times and are also paid in exposure bucks or not enough to cover travel expenses and staying somewhere etc... so I consider: what about a regular job, an office job? tried it. hated it. furthermore, because of the film all of my spare money is going into the film and I certainly canNOT afford to survive the dreaded first month of a new job whatever it may be... so I find myself in a predicament.

I am writing this rather long-winded post because I just wanted to get this out. I have always been in love the classic VW surfer duuuuuude camper van, in particular the red ones.... luvvem. just... luvvem. And now all these damn beautiful millennial vegan yuppies are all up in them...GADDAMN IT MAKES ME MAD. but you know, I'm completely one of them - except the vegan part... but I LIKED THEM BEFORE THEY WERE COOL OK???!

Anyway - I've always thought it would be cool to put a mattress in the back and go on little road trips in it. Not until a couple of years ago, once admittedly I had come across the #vanlife movement, did I consider moving into one full-time. And now... I. am. obsessed.

Here is why #vanlife ISN’T bullshit. for me.

Please note: if there is anything I have learned from hundreds, I say HUNDREDS of hours I have spent researching vans, interiors, batteries, types of insulation, watching videos, vlogs, reading articles, blogs and so on... it is this: van life and the reasons for or against it are entirely INDIVIDUAL to the person undertaking this lifestyle. It is also important to note that van life isn't just a hashtag, it is an entire lifestyle. and it is not simply moving your apartment into a van, it is an entire change of life style. We are talking about going from stationary to nomadic homie... omg I can't wait!

I know what you’re thinking: damn millennial yuppy, living in a van is weird! well... stop right there, JUDGE JUDY! I hate yoga, I love meat, I eat pizza on the REG, I spend waaaaaay too much time on the couch, I’m slightly overweight but I make it WERK because SELF LOVE henny. I am pretty normal. though undiagnosed, I definitely suffer from depression, anxiety (you know, the usjj...), low-self esteem and all that LOVELY STUFF. But you know what? I’ve decided I don't give a shit. I’m doing it! I am buying a crappy van, empty. I am going to throw a mattress, a bucket, a storage container and a cooler in the back and FUCK THE FUCK OFF. And I can't bloody wait. But first... let me overthink this through....

PROS

I am doing this because it will help me career-wise because I’ll be able to travel TO where the work is and it will be fine if the work is sporadic because I'll be LIVING IN A VAN - a house on wheels WITH storage space?!?! perfect for being on a film set! I don't need to factor in commuting time especially when shooting runs late or starts early, I can just sleep in the parking area... easy! 

I can visit my friends and family more (they live eVERYWHERE - this makes it very expensive and time-consuming to visit them because it takes hours in the coach or train, and I can only travel at certain times because they don't run 24/7 and you can travel WHENEVER in a van. I'll also save money on food and coach/train tickets as well as trains and cabs in and around their areas. 

I have done plenty of TRAVELLING in my life and I think those experiences and lessons cannot be forgotten or lost, which is why I think this is a brilliant idea. I want to explore my weird little Island, I want to explore Europe (before BREXIT FFS), I want to drive from the North of England aaaaalllll the way down to Cape Town, South Africa because many of my uni friends live there and I NEED TO SEE THEM.

I can save so much MONEY man... seriously - in the long term, and I say after a matter of a few months, I could make back the money I have spent out for the van, and from there we are talking petrol, insurance, food and then expendable income. I can put that money towards equipment, films, festival entries, travel to festivals and other industry events or just savings.

The FREEDOM! I love being able to move about freely! I love having all of my possessions to hand - it makes me feel empowered, independent, strong and those cannot be bought or achieved with a big house, for me anyway..

CONS...

...

comfort? no... insulation, blankets and cushions... ok

Safety? - fair point, sir... I imagine an alarm, a dog and a large knife can take care of that...

there don't seem to be many more...

I’m going to come clean now... at the END of the post ok I KNOW... bear with me ok

I do not have a driving licence.

I know... I KNOW OK?! calmit... I moved to SA when I was 18 and over there it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to apply for a driving test as a foreigner. In the year and a half I was trying to book one, I went back and forth from the driving authority MANY MANY times... each time there was a new document I needed which I didn't need last time...and then when I moved back to England I found out you have to live in England for a certain amount of time before you can book a test, plus I needed a new provisional licence. I have also had many many poor months in the past year, leaving little extra money for lessons and the test itself. I booked my driving test this morning as well as a lesson with an ALRIGHT instructor, but if we’re honest... which we always are - I've been driving for years. I am a safe driver but just need a little practice. so - assuming I pass pay test in June... I should be on the road by July 2018. I should get a larger pay check in June and hopefully the film’s expenses will be mostly complete so I'll have a bit extra to play with... hopefully. if not then I will spend another month or so working and then move in ASAP before winter comes!!!

so... that’s the plan... this PROBABLY won't work BUT I have to hope above hope that it will because honestly. I can't do this any more. I can't do being tied to one location any more. it isolates me from those I love, and me being the lazy poor motherfucker I never have spare income to buy tickets and book trains to go visit my friends and family. I feel constrained. I feel flattened... I feel the weight of all of it on my back and it kills me. I need to do this. this isn't some #vanlife bullshit. fuck all that. fuck all the fluff around it. Life on Wheels is the perfect way to minimise, mobilise and empower oneself. in the world we live in today? it seems like the only option for me, unless I fall into the machine taking a 9-5 and a lease/mortgage. I can't do that. I will literally be HORRIBLE to be around. I will feel FIlTHY and oppressed and that will send me down a mental journey that I have experienced before and simply won't survive again... but that is a post for another day.

Aaaaaaanyway, if you've made it down here - thank you. thank you for listening,  thank you for the shit that you have given me today. Here, have one in return. <<SHIT>>

One love,

EarthQuackSugarSkull x

#vanlife #bullshit #someidiotinavan #filmmaker #editor

[jauntswithjess]

Rock Bottom

It was on this night exactly two years ago that I attempted suicide.

Yep, shit just got real. Stay with me.

I’m not writing this for attention or to come off as a victim; my past does not define who I am now. I’m writing this because it needs to be said. I’m writing this to show how mental illness does not discriminate. I’m writing this because there are thousands of people out there who need to hear this and know they’re not alone.

I have struggled with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder for more than 10 years. I’ve been on every type of antidepressant and antipsychotic medication you can think of, and every day used to be a battle. I’ve pasted on Barbie-like smiles when all I wanted to do was cry. I’ve suffered through debilitating panic attacks that destroyed me from the inside out and left me physically and emotionally hungover. I’ve had to tune out the little voice in my head telling me I don’t deserve to be happy and I don’t deserve good things. I’ve dealt with money-hungry employers who had absolutely zero sympathy. I’ve endured the judgmental “what do YOU have to be depressed about” and ignorant “depression is all in your head” comments. I’ve lost many friends and boyfriends for simply being too much. I’ve been called “crazy” and “psycho” so many times I learned to expect it. I’ve stayed in bed for days unable to eat, move or function. And two years ago, after chugging beer and throwing back shots on what was supposed to be another Summer Sunday Funday of me numbing the pain, something snapped. I gave up. I decided all was lost, and there was no reason to keep going. I tried to end my life. 

But hey, I’m still here, and I thank God every day that I failed. Because this thing they call life has become so much better than I could have ever imagined. 

Yes, it’s become cliche these days, but it gets better. You get stronger. You get wiser. You become more resilient. You meet friends who will stand by your side through the good and the bad. You realize love isn’t isolated to romantic relationships. You find solace in a beautiful new state. You land a job where they care about you and your wellbeing. You travel and gain back your sense of independence. You climb mountains, both literally and figuratively. You feel endless support from others who have been where you have. You figure out who and what to give a fuck about and start giving zero fucks about the trivial shit. You discover your most authentic self. You start living life for you. 

I won’t say every day has been sugar cookies, technicolor rainbows and unicorns farting glitter because that’s just a lie. Life will still roundhouse-kick you in the face, and you will get knocked down. But this time, you’ll get back up, brush yourself off and start kicking like a motherfucker right back because you are a certified badass with the scars to prove it. 

So hold on. And keep holding on. Because that’s the beautiful thing about hitting rock bottom: You have nowhere to go but up.

And up we go.

#suicide #depression #fuckdepression #anxiety #fuckanxiety #suicidesurvivor #it gets better #survivor #rock bottom

[squeakynico]

i have also read that schizophrenia is more prevalent in the city... i feel most ill-at-ease in the suburbs, because there are fewer places to hide. that is why i left my childhood home to go to Austin, where people were making music that i wanted to be near.

it was either that, or Evergreen State in Olympia, but i actually felt so self-conscious about not being hippy enough, that i would feel even more isolated *there*.

Austin was very wonderful, and i actually became a radio dj at the university *and* on the community radio. i even got to mentor with my indiepop hero Jennifer K! and i foumd a band through motherfucking Craigslist! i really felt like i had a place, but as i entered my later early 20s i began to feel a sense of unease, dissatisfaction, anxiety, et cetera.

i think many psychotic mental Diseases begin to manifest in the early 20s, but i was so concerned with repression and denial, that i managed to make it all the way to 30 without being "detected", per se. my friends probably knew something was up with me, but i was quiet and they were quiet.

i don't want to say that "interventions" are the answer, and i didn't have my own insurance at the time. is there an answer? i guess maybe Bernie Sanders (too late for Obama), if Bernie was the Emperor of America and could circumvent congress... but no one here can ciecumvent *that*, *or* the Small Courts :/

#mental health month