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gumnut-logic · 3 months

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*sneaks into your asks with WIP questions*

8. ♻️A scrapped idea for your current WIP

Follow up question if you’re up for it - how do you deal with shedding stuff that isn’t working?

(I’m struggling with getting attached to ideas or bits I’ve written and it’s hard to say nah I’ll bin it because WORDS exist 🥺)

11. 🛠Is there a scene or anything in the WIP you are struggling with right now?

(Any tips on pushing through? You’ve written so many amazing epics I’m guessing there must have been times you got around a problem)

*lurks and awaits nuggets of nutty wisdom*

Ooooohkaaay, a scrapped idea ::pokes brain::

When I start writing, a good part of the time, I have no idea where I'm going. Sometimes I will have a single scene to write towards, sometimes I will scribble down a vague skeleton of an idea, but a lot of the time I have the scene I start with and then have to work out how the hell they got into that situation.

For example, my current 'Virg got shot' fic. I wrote that from a prompt that pretty much outlined the scene in purpose. Someone interrupting another person, trying to get their attention, but that person is too busy and brushes them away, until they say that they are shot and the freak out happens. Which is essentially what I wrote.

The purpose of writing it was just to write. I had zero plans of expanding it, I don't need any more wips. But then...

What about Scott's point of view? Would be interesting to see his thoughts, so I started writing that second bit. John poked his nose into the equation as I often like to let my characters' thoughts wander - it can be entertaining.

By the end of writing that bit, the fic is calling out for more. What's next? Could be a hospital scene...eh, boring...hmmm, why did he get shot? Is it related to anything else that has sprung up in the story? Damnit, I can't write tomorrow cos I have to work all day pretty much 8am - 8pm. But that is not going to stop me from building ideas.

But anyway, I'm waffling, I do that.

For Sweetapple part 3, I have a definite scene I'm writing towards. There will be a moment and I will love it and it will be great. Whenever I finally get there. And if it plays out as I see it or the story demands something else, well, hopefully that will be fun, too.

Cos sometimes those scenes change. 'Gentle Rain' was all about one scene that occurred in Chapter 12, but that scene never happened in the way it was conceived (cos it would have killed da Virg and we can't do that), so it came out differently. Ultimately I find character logic and plot demands write the story.

I have written myself into corners, even one where things took a sharp turn simply because I didn't have the energy to write what needed to be written if the story continued in the direction it was going. See if you can work out where I changed direction in 'Who do you save, John?' It bugs me each time I reread it and I'm tempted to write an alternative ending because it could have been so much more.

Then there are the fics with massive plot holes that I can't fix and just have to watch them as they sail past. 'The Tattoo' has a massive hole in it, but I wanted to explore the concept, so completely ignored it. The pedantic in me has a fit every time.

And I'm still waffling, sorry.

A scrapped idea...none in my current wips because...hold on...Callisto. I stopped writing Callisto because it was Virgil's birthday at the time and I needed a break, but mostly because I felt I was writing into a corner. Virgil was too whumped to function and I needed him to be funtioning. Multiple rereads has me questioning that decision, I could just keep writing and work around it. Also, Jeff isn't working the way I wanted him to, plus the Mechanic went on the voyage but hasn't had any impact on the plot. Wanted him to do stuff, but it hasn't written itself. So I stopped to re-evaluate. Unfortunately that is not how I normally write and stopping was a mistake cos I stopped...for years. I haven't thrown bits of the fic out yet, but it needs some fixing.

If I do 'throw something out' of a fic, I always keep it. I have a file that usually sits next to my main fic file that says something like 'Callisto - cuts'. I stash cut text in there just in case I need it later. Most of my long fics have one of those files sitting around somewhere.

What am I struggling with? This is also for @sofasurf ::hugs:: who also asked.

My problem isn't ideas, it is usually focus. Put it this way, if I was a kid in school now, I'd be diagnosed with some attention difficulties or executive dysfunction or whatever. I'm definitely on the spectrum (that was diagnosed when I was four, but my parents didn't believe the doctor apparently). I've had years of practise working with my brain and have minimised its effects on work and my life (being unable to finish things is a real curse) but as you can see, my creative life is still impacted.

So writing...I can only write in short bursts. My longest ever was 7000 words in one day, all day. Most of the time I write between 400 and 1500 words at a time. I use the Terry Pratchett method of 400 a day when I can, which is why you will often see short bits of my fic flung up on my blog. I try to write to a publishable point and not stop in the middle of a crucial scene or something, but both my working life and my attention span impact on what gets written. Some of those fics were all written on the side of the road outside my kids school in tiny little bits, fifteen minutes here, ten minutes there, that kind of thing. It has been a big thing for me to learn that little bits can make big things. I am now using this theory with my crochet as well :D

As for my current WIPs challenges. It comes back to asking myself questions - why was Virg shot? (I have an answer and I like it, but the fic will likely get bigger and Scotty might need to take out another country :D)

Vamp!Virg fic - currently deciding between POVs for the next scene. Also need to build some world rules.

Getting around problems can be simply switching POV or someone walks into the room. Characters can also be the greatest source of problems. Like the time Alan decided he wanted to visit the site of his mother's accident - I knew the moment I wrote his line that I now had several thousand more extra words to write and a pile of research to do (I now know a lot about Mount Rainier :D). But writing those words ended up with that ending....which I am so soppy about. I wrote poetry for goodness sake.

Ah, it's 10.30pm and I'm rambling all over the place making little sense.

In the end it is just writing. Don't push yourself too hard, remember it is supposed to be fun, not torture (yeah, right) and often a good thing to do is to poke a friend and ask them to slap you around the head a couple of times to knock some sense in. I have had several Thunderfam members do this for me. Thanks guys :D

Write little, write big, just write and see what happens.

Nutty

(sense is apparently optional)

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds #thunderfam #nutty is nuts

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derpygirl-draws · 10 months

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Just watched Nimona! Spoilers because I need to ramble!

Dudes just gonna say the obvious! Its an amazing movie and I love it so much! To me, and many others in the lgbtq+ community, it’s the perfect representation. I’d like to say its like a love letter to the community, but i don’t know many love letters that bring up the negatives and struggles that the person or group receiving it goes through. It definitely feels like a gift though. A gift I am overjoyed to know exists and so many people are able to watch it. Not just people in the community, but anyone who has Netflix or a friend that has it! Because it brings up struggles that minorities have that are inflicted on them by society, and it’s done in SUCH a perfect way. Warning my rambles might be all all over the place and maybe a little over dramatic lol

I’m a little tired brained cause I decided to watch it late at night but honest to god this movie made me cry. you don’t know me personally but I don’t cry a lot during movies, unless its a pixar film but those guys are masters when it comes to making you love a set of characters and then lets the story pull at your heart strings so i don’t wanna hear it XD. I immediately fell in love with the art and designs once I saw clips of the movie online, but I gotta say, the character writing with Nimona and Ballister had me grinning ear to ear each and every time I witnessed it. Their dynamic that is created the moment they meet to the middle of the movie and then at the end was my favorite part. The ending was the part that hurt a lot. When Nimona was hurt by her best friend and left as her anger exploded and she basically gave up on the world. That hurt. A lot. Because I know there are so many people in the world that don’t have someone like Ballister in their life. Someone who does their best to understand them and be there for them, to have empathy and work past their own personal biases for the sake of that person, and recognize when their words have hurt that person and rectify that mistake. Or maybe people do have someone like but that person or people dont make it in time to save them, like what if Ballister didn’t make it to the tip of that sword to save Nimona from herself. I personally relate to ballister in a way. I can’t say I was ever taught when I was little what even gay or trans were because i was and still am a little sheltered and have to educate myself on topics I wasn’t exposed to growing up that prolly would have helped to know. Though I am a little glad I had complete control on learning about the community on my own instead of what my parents unfortunately might have fed to me if it came up when i was little. I am not trans myself, as far as I know. When i was first introduced to the community when i was about 12, I was confused and didn’t know how to process such a new concept in my life but maintained a point to try and be respectful of my friends who were trans or gay or had any part in the community. In doing so I discovered that I was queer as well. I since have grown to understand the different aspects of the community and actively research when I learn about something new. I have a platonic partner that is a huge part of my life and I have aer to thank for a lot of my development as a person. I related to Ballister because I want to understand, I see these people in the community and I want to be that person they can find safety and comfort with, someone they can relate to and that I can relate to and also learn from. I want to defend and protect them like how Ballister did with Nimona. I think this is the perfect movie for right now on a political standpoint admittedly, though I’m only educated on the subject minorly so I’m going to try and explain the comparison with how the movie is set up and hopefully it’ll makes sense and i dont sound dumb. Nimona is highly implied to represent the trans community as I see it. When she describes to Ballister what shifting is like for her, she says its freeing and she feels like herself, not just what the world wants her to be. She has fun shifting and changing her looks and when she isn’t shifted, she doesn’t feel alive. Of course this can be taken from the basic lesson of ‘Be yourself’ but the unfortunate circumstance presented in the movie is that when Nimona is herself, the world around her goes into an uproar of screams of fear and hatred.

This city is shut out from the rest of the world and their main belief, as its been for centuries, is that Monsters are dangerous, and the Knights of the City will save the people from these Monsters. Children in this city are raised on this belief that they are a hero if they stand up against what society deems a monster and slain those monster for the good of the city. But when in reality, the story they are taught wasn’t what they thought. I do love the representation with Ambrosius and Ballister because it feels so normal. So natural and interesting. Admittedly I got frustrated with Ambrosius because he seemed to really believe Ballister aimed to kill the queen. But then when I see the blatant manipulation of the Director that doesn’t just affect Ambrosius, but everyone. She sees a threat to the ‘traditional’ way of life and aims to stamp it out no matter what, refusing to see reason and a different perspective from what she and so many other people were raised on. And okay, I know i’ve been saying a lot of the word perfect when describing this movie, but as it is in many cases, its not perfect. I have my own critiques on the movie itself but there are certain aspects in it that i’d describe as very close to perfect as ive mentioned. It’s charming overall and when it really counts, it is beautiful. I’m a sucker for expressions and fun poses and movements and designs that stick out and good dialogue. This movie did a pretty good job at those things, all things considered. But I do wish the people working on it had gotten a chance to really flesh out the world and the backstories and motivations. I love Nimona as a character, I definitely wanna read the graphic novel that led to this movie so I can see more of her! I was worried about how she was presented at the beginning of the movie. it seems like something people in the real world can see as an argument against people like Nimona. That her chaotic and seemingly violent tendencies would of course make the people around her fear her and that she either isn’t good representations, or that to some people, this is exactly how they see the community nimona represents. But then in watching the movie as a whole, if people took even a second to think about it, they’d see that Nimona had no choice. What she is, as she says it, is Nimona. She is a shape shifter that can turn into a variety of thing and people don’t like that. Ballister when meeting her has moments of requesting she turn into something that makes him more comfortable. He asks questions and shares viewpoints that are rather insensitive to Nimona and she rightfully describes him as close minded. This close minded-ness is a reflection of the city Ballister was raised in and also a reference to people irl who don’t accept communities that are different. and then as the movie progresses, we see Ballister become more accepting of Nimona and who she is and that Nimona is different, yes, but also loyal, caring, and sticks by him and his goals, mostly and that’s a lot more than Ballister can say about the people to turned against him in an instant at the beginning of the movie. This feels like a video essay script I’m writing and admittingly I thought it a good way to maybe revive my youtube channel, but im already a busy bee and i wouldn’t want a video like that to be posted months up to a year after the release of the movie so im posting my thought here. I’d love to hear what you guys have to say so please, comment, send me a note or dm and we can chat (as long as we agree we can be respectful individuals if and when there’s a difference in perspective). Have a good night/day everyone and I hope you enjoyed my ramble, even though it was kind of a “way to state the obvious” kind of ramble. lol.

#Smol brain thoughts with Jackie #nimona #movie chat #ehehhe #hopefully 3 am tired thought dont affect my writing too much #apologies if it do tho #^^#nimona spoilers

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itgr · 10 days

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Early ROS season 3 Kodya thoughts (aka here's my excuse to ramble)

I'm only on episode 180. I have thoughts on a lot of things but rn I just wanna talk about Kodya?? Idk ever since we've seen him again in episode 159, he's been a lot more stoic and and standoffish than he used to be? (at least compared to his season 2 counterpart, which yeah he spent most of that outside his body but he wasn't this standoffish to Gyrus before). He's a lot more similar to his season 1 counterpart in some ways which I found interesting. Originally, I thought it would be a temporary thing just from the shock of seeing Gyrus again and recovering from the fact he genuinely thought they'd never meet again, but then he kind of stays that way and he's kind of snarky and defensive which I find interesting. I really like when characters are flawed or are tangibly impacted by things that have happened to them. Anyways here's like multiple reasons I headcanon (some of these are just straight up stated or heavily implied) there's such a big character shift (at least to me):

Um. Yeah he literally thought he'd never see his on and off boyfriend of several years who he literally fought so hard to keep around. That's going to fuck you up regardless of if it ended up not being true

^ Also I feel like losing Gyrus again definitely brought back some old pain and trauma from the time he, yknow, watched Gyrus lose himself over the course of years and eventually had to be the one to kill him ^^ so. YEAH (he has abandonment issues to me)

This is more of a minor point but we should talk about how fucky it would be to spend several years with people from the future and then be plopped back into your time period and expected to just. Keep existing like nothing happened and like you don't know at least hundreds of separate things and concepts that are, quite literally, ahead of your time

Look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't 100% face or see homophobia after returning to his time period. You know that would mess with him a bit (I find his defensiveness near Iro, while partially justified, really interesting? because it's the first time I can think of we get any implication that homophobia explicitly exists in the world of ROS <- which makes sense and it also makes sense to assume that the room of swords itself was probably pretty queer friendly because of the amount of different people there. Anyways Kodya's defensiveness near Iro just reads to me as someone anticipating homophobia because of firsthand experience with it)

Gyrus self deprecating about not as strong as Masiosare, who's essentially like if you took BB! Gyrus's inability to open up and ask for help and his tendencies to do morally fucked up shit for his version of the greater good and then maximised it(/hj), probably made Kodya feel worse. Like he already spent years watching Gyrus lose himself to those ideals and I feel like at this point, the amount of trust issues and general abandonment issues of having a partner who used to hide things from you constantly until it literally destroyed him, combined with that same partner now self deprecating and faintly implying he wants to be like that again, would 100% trigger the shit out of his trauma and probably make him feel like history's going to repeat itself

I don't know if this was intentional but (oversimplification) CPTSD symptoms tend to show up after the person's left whatever stressful environment they used to be in and it starts flaring up because the brain can't process or understand that its in a safe environment and is still in a very defensive protective mode even when it technically shouldn't be. Kodya's likely CPTSD from, yknow, EVERYTHING in the room of swords probably could've started flaring up because of the fact he finally managed to escape, which could also partially explain his mentioned thoughts of feeling cursed and like he'd never be happy before Gyrus showed up (it's a common thing to struggle to feel happy or safe after not having experienced either feeling for a long time)

In conclusion, Kodya Karevic is a well written mentally ill little guy who's literally done zero (0) wrong in his entire life/j. Jokes aside, I wanted an excuse to ramble and get my thoughts out and also just talk about how pleasantly surprising it is to have them actually acknowledge the flaws in Strawbarrow's relationship and show Kodya have tangible problems with trusting Gyrus again. Idk I really like how well and complexly they're written

#also before anyone asks the iro thinking gyrus is some guy in an insane heterosexual cheating polycule thing is the funniest joke ever #room of swords #ros #webtoon #kodya karevic #character analysis #<- eh? maybe? idk what classifies as that tbh #i do a bit of speaking <3 #liveblogging #<- in a way

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system-of-a-feather · 1 year

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Hi! What is a substitute memory (if you don’t mind my asking)?

asdfalkaklj I actually haven't called upon my brain to define this in a bit so it might not be the "cleanest" definition, but what I'm assuming the bingo was referencing was substitute beliefs (broad term) and specifically when those beliefs are presented with "substitute memories"

Substitute beliefs are concepts / aspects / understandings of self and events that aren't exactly what is actually true / real / accurate but reflect it in a way that it is often easier to handle, accept, and bear for the person with the trauma.

Thats a mouthful, but a simple example would be say... someone's trauma was nearly drowning - they might then have an alter / develop a substitute belief that "I am a mermaid" or have the idea that being underwater like that was wanted because they are "spiritually a water creature" or that the drowning nearly happened BECAUSE they were confused and thought they were a mermaid rather than due to malice / neglect. In both cases the context of that memory might be reframed with a sort of substitute buffer to cover over the hard aspects of a shitty situation to make it more palatable

Those are more "extreme" examples because I can't really think of a more mundane example - but its a common defense mechanism people with DID and other people who were traumatized at a young age kind of do to sort of buffer the blow of being aware of the shit that's happened without necessarily having to deal with the entire reality of it.

I just got vague vibes from back there that it's fine to share, but the Riku subsystem was trained to be our sisters attack dog to a pretty extreme point of her manipulating dissociative barriers she knew of and as a result XIV has always really taken a lycantropic form, particularly when put in aggro mode and while he is aware he is not "actually a werewolf" it actively leaks into his day to day life and it is a really quick "blur" over topics that if dug more into could cause things to be uprooted that we aren't quite ready to.

Similarly, there are substitute memories that can happen where the memory of an event itself might be too hard to "digest" and as a result some people get similar but "slightly off" memories of things that didn't happen. I've seen this mostly talked about in terms of introjects and them developing memories related to trauma the body did experience but instead in the frame work of their source rather than the actual real lived body. Rather than remembering and processing feelings of neglect with your actual parents in reference, the part may still have the feelings that stem from a real trauma and experience the body had, but instead process it in the terms of "people who don't really exist" which makes it easier to operate and handle in an environment where it might be difficult to do that with the real people (often living there still and what not)

In substitute [anything] its really the brain just kinda blurring the details and shuffling around the lines to make it look like something easier and nicer to look at than the reality. It's usually similar to what ACTUALLY happened but often with a few details that are weird / wrong / obviously not real (ie, characters don't exist, werewolfs dont exist, mermaids don't exist, etc.)

It's been a while since I've seen it brought up so it might be a bit off of an explanation but hope that makes sense?

It's easier to process "I'm a werewolf" than process the implications of having been through mental abuse and directly trained as an attack dog for another's benefit.

It's easier to believe that the time you nearly drowned is because you were a "delusional kid and forgot you couldn't breathe underwater" than it is to address possible neglect or malice intent of someone who is supposed to be close to you.

It's easier to (not necessarily for the fictive themselves, but often for the rest of the system) see the struggle of their system member Sasuke processing the trauma of Itachi's betrayl than it is to see and process the betrayal of trust that the sibling you live with and have to see daily.

Substitute beliefs and memories are also often on a sliding scale of how seriously and literally the affected parts / people experience them and how real they actually feel, so theres a lot of variety.

-Riku

#alter: riku #ask #asks #substitute beliefs #substitute memories #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder

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darlingpoppet · 1 month

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What inspired you to start Where The Dead Forget? Also can you tell us some more about your PZA Dreamers AU? (e.g. what your favourite thing to write has been so far, things you look forward to or struggle with, or anything else you like). Thanks!

As for WTDF, honestly it pretty much all started with this tweet where I expressed interest in the concept of Patroclus Hadesgame losing his memories. I had seen such fanarts already so I was curious if there were fics out there too (there are of course! I have since found some, lol!) But a friend in the comments was encouraging to the notion of me writing one myself and I pretty much immediately began spiraling from there (I tweeted this the same day I posted Once More and also about a week before I posted Upon A Lazy Bed, so at the time my brain was on fire and I was constantly brimming with ideas!) The entire story from beginning to end pretty much came to me immediately and I’ve been expanding on it ever since! A lot of my inspiration has been fueled by the experience of consuming every depiction of Achilles & Patroclus I could get my hands on, as well as countless academic writings with various analyses on the characters. Also just the entire meta tradition of storytelling with folklore characters in general, where there’s no one “definitive version”, and thinking about how that might work in-universe where things like memories, bias, human fallibility, etc make objective truth difficult or impossible to obtain. Films such as Rashomon and Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind that explore similar concepts to WTDF also inspired me!

As for the PZA Dreamers AU!! I can’t remember if I’ve ever properly explained the concept in a public post but for anyone curious: the whole thing was born out of me seeing a parallel/synergy between the themes of the film The Dreamers and certain interpretations of the Iliad (the Homeric version itself ofc but also particularly Shakespeare’s Troilus & Cressida.) The characters in these stories exist in this symbolic & narrative liminal space where they’re shutting themselves off from the outside world so they can Live Laugh Love—and in all the stories, reality catches up with them eventually, usually in tragic ways. I’m making it a modern AU (a vaguely 2010s period piece?) because as a millennial I also see parallels to my generation (& Gen Z) where as a whole our own lives also seem to be stuck in a figurative liminal space academically, economically, socially (especially in the era of covid where we were all shut-up in our houses finding there was more to life than The Grind, simultaneously reveling in simple pleasures & also going insane until we were all forced back out again) And at the same time our generations have this fascination with liminal spaces as an Internet meme (including vaporwave which also coincidentally appropriates classical Greco-Roman imagery in its aesthetics.) I’m reading serious non-fiction books like Capitalist Realism by Mark Fisher and Retromania by Simon Reynolds in service of what at the end of the day is just a horny fanfic LMFAO.

Because getting back on track to what you actually asked me: I’m not gonna lie, my favorite parts of writing this story so far have been the sex scenes, haha. Like the whole vibe of the story is supposed to be just this completely unfettered dreamy indulgence, and even things like sex have a liminal quality to me (where time seems to stand still and people are joined together transitioning through several physical states) hopefully I’ll be able to pull the whole thing off the way I’m envisioning it! The fact that it’s a modern AU is probably what makes this both easier and harder to write—things like dialogue can have a more modern sensibility but it’s probably the more flowery prose that’s giving WTDF its own dreamy, liminal quality so it’s tricky figuring out how to balance it. I’m also having a hard time deciding whether I want to dump this entire high-concept, novella-length story as a one-shot (or at least split up into 2-3 parts that are published all at once) or if I should stick to a more traditional (for fanfic) serialized publication schedule ahahaha. I guess if anyone reading this has any preferences or insight feel free to let me know your thoughts!

Oh and as for the PZA of it all: writing Closest To My Heart was probably what reminded me of the existence of The Dreamers in the first place (I had seen it years and years ago) because I realized that film has a similar dynamic of an “outsider” falling into an erotic triangle with a pair who are essentially soulmates, and ends up biting off a little more than he can chew in keeping up with the two of them… I decided I wasn’t quite done exploring that dynamic and I wanted to write about it more! Though don’t worry, I don’t think this story is gonna be quite as dark as Closest (uh oh wait this might be a lie actually), and also Patrochilles are MUCH nicer to Zag in this story ;)

(Also I didn’t even mention Hadesgame itself where the entire underworld is a liminal space Zagreus passes through to reach the surface/self-actualization and how he is constantly dying/resurrecting… Zagreus is a very liminal character! But this is already an ETA so I shall leave my thoughts there for now, lol.)

Hopefully all that answers your questions, anon! Thanks so much for the ask <3

#emica chat #where the dead forget #liminal spaces #my fics

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skaldish · 2 years

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this is kind of a complicated question so totally cool if you dont have an answer or want to direct me to a different person/other resources. i was raised an atheist by now atheist but raised christian parents (so i grew up with a catholic extended family, my grandma baptized me as a baby, i had christmas and easter and all that). however my family also has, in the past, a lot of connection to norse mythos and heathenism generally (we're from iceland and all over scandinavia generally, the first generation of my family over here was obsessed with norse mythos and i grew up hearing stories from the edda and folk stories about trolls and giants and stuff like that, i have a set of runes for casting that have been passed down my mom's side). i have a ton of interest in norse mythos and old norse culture and "vikings" are my special interest. I really feel a pull toward norse paganism but i just cant get rid of the deeply skeptical part of me that was raised by atheists and that just cannot convince itself to believe in anything i cant directly prove to myself with like. scientific evidence. i feel this need in myself for some sort of higher belief or religion but i cant push past my skepticism either. basically i want faith but i cant have it myself because i need definitive proof to believe in something. im not really sure what im asking for here, just general advice about this i guess?

I'm also a person that has no faith, and frankly never will.

I grew up with science in an a-religious household, and learned early on that anything "real" in this world was something whose existence was self-evident, so gods and spirits were nothing more than theory for me for a while.

What happened to me is that this shit was, in a sense, proven.

Now, "proof" in this context is not empirical and objective proof. I can't replicate my experiences of gods and spirits in another person like science would demand. But neither can I replicate the experience I had listening to a certain song for the first time, or reading a certain book. It's the same concept with gods.

I ended up asking Loki to prove himself because my brain simply refused to believe his existence without it. He sent me no less than 11 different dreams and oodles of signs, one of which was an incredibly uncanny coincidence. It got to the point where denying the data was actually harder than accepting the significance of the picture it painted, even though you could theoretically argue that I hallucinated it all.

(But then we have an argument of ethics on our hands. Is the humane course of action to reject the experiences as valid and label myself as insane, or to try to adopt a new model of the world that allows for the existence of such things?)

This kind of metaphysical experience is what we call "Unverified Personal Gnosis" in the community, and it's very much the "meta" of the physical world—the result of conversations we have with the universe, of socializing with the natural world the way we socialize with each other.

My mind still struggles with this stuff at times, but only because it gets bogged down in how "socially unacceptable" it is to believe in it, especially when my experiences point to incredible things. But I can't deny the heaps of data I've amassed for myself at this point, because I'd be straight gaslighting myself.

I think Shakespeare said it best, honestly: "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." There's nothing quite like exploring spirituality to get you to really, truly understand this.

#answered

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purposelynana · 1 year

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What Did I Watch: #31

This week, I learn to say goodbye.

What is it with goodbye? If feels scary but necessary. Goodbye gives us closure. An end to a journey. In life alone, there's no perfect goodbye, but in fictional world a perfect goodby could exist.

To me, a great ending is not necessarily wanting me to wish for a direct sequel. A great ending is supposed to be tighten the loose ends. Also gives room for our imagination to explore what could happen after the camera stopped rolling. Moreover, a great ending is the one that left you wanting more but not selfishly enough to make you craving more because we all know deep down a sequel never guaranteed to replicate the exact quality of its predecessor.

My School President is a wonderful journey through and through. 10/10. Landed smoothly without having too much angst or humor. It's already up there with Skam. Perhaps on some other day, it'll be higher than Skam. What a pleasantly beautiful little show about what it means to be young, and having the courage to dream.

I didn't have any of those things which presented during my high school run. A friendship that last for so long or even a significant other who made my life bearable enough. My high school years was boring and literally nothing happened. I don't really any friend that I still contact from that period of time. So to me, at first the concept of My School President was already laughable. But well if it wasn't happen to me, it certainly happened to everyone else, eh?

In addition, I could confirm My School President landed smoothly. Got a beautiful ending. The song still slapped. There's no better word to describe it other than it was charming. This show was charming. Even I couldn't stop grinning ear to ear writing this.

The scene that broke me. Ah young love.

Never Let Me Go, to me felt like not exactly wasted potential but definitely not something I would praised until seven generations. It was good but never been great. I would love to recommending it but not necessarily you have to watch it.

Because there were many what-ifs scenario forming in my brain while I was watching it. For example, what could've happen if it was starring someone else entirely? How the scene would sound like if they had better sound designer? What if the screenwriters decided to rewrite the whole thing so that the characters could talk like they were in real life instead of lakorn?

Because I couldn't help but to raised my eyebrows during certain scenes. It wasn't technically bad acting. It was an okay but the way Neung convey his feelings sometimes I felt like I was watching a play. It did feel like the whole time Phuwin just pretending to say those words, instead of actually saying those words. Plus sometimes the sentences that coming out from his mouth just didn't make any sense. It was clearly intentional because it kept going until the screen fade to black. I know P'Jo was trying to make a homage to classic lakorns, so perhaps Thais would appreciate a lot more. But I'm not Thai, and I just went "no shit sherlock" the entire time.

Despite all of that though, it was beautifully shot. Honestly this show got the best cinematography ever. Without having too much contrast, P'Jo played a lot with lights and compositions. Colors looked so deep yet soft at same time. There was a sense of longing and yearning radiated from the screen. It was magic to see something that I learned from being an amateur cinephile to get materialize.

Lights on this. And the color. I love the colors. It wasn't trying to be gritty as fuck like Batman movies. It wasn't on the same tone with In The Mood For Love but the use of color and lights and framing to convey devotion are just utter brilliance.

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It was a struggle to watch Moonlight Chicken. Like I said in previous post, it seemed I take a peek on my own life. Eventually, I'll probably never get the happy ending I deserve so much, not like these fictional characters.

10 minutes into episode 5, was solidify my thoughts and prayers on this. I got called out, dragged, faced to one of bitter memories I've had on a past relationship. Because yes, one day people just decided not even bother trying to save their relationship. It already happened to me once, and no I don't want to relive that, even in fictional zone. Therefore, as I was watching episode 5, I undergo so many different feelings. If week 2 felt like a gut punch, week 3 seemed one hell of torture, and week 4 was an utopia that I've never get to lived on.

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This ain't it.

Because Wen got his happy ending. Liming got his happy ending. Me? Well, it wasn't like I don't want to open up to other people. There was no other people trying to get close to me.

I liken this to my experience watching Brokeback Mountain. It was a good storytelling, but do I want to experience it all over again? No. Because it was just too close to home. And I still don't know what kind of my ending is. It was scary. Shit got real this time. I think I'm never going be the same. I tried to shift my focus into something else, e.g. Formula 1, it gets worse. Possibly because Ferrari looked and sounded shit. Everything just didn't help anymore.

me during the whole shitty shit bahrain gp free practice, watching aston martin became way too more OP, and red bull still being red bull. me as tifosi:

#my school president #never let me go #moonlight chicken #what did i watch #be ready for concealed ranting on bl posts #this year is our year again #fuck ferrari #bahrain gp 2023 #Youtube

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theroundbartable · 1 year

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Hi! I hope you're doing well! I've been wanting to write to you for ages because I've been reading and rereading and rerereading you and I think your writing is brilliant. Sorry, I'm going to be a bit personal because I can't imagine not being personal here, I find it difficult to express how much your writing touched me otherwise. But you can jump into the last paragraph directly if you don't want to interact with that, because awkard. Very randomly, I came across your work in a very strange time in my life earlier this year when my brain decided to echo something I didn't know was there, but that's not what's important here. What I want to say is: everything you wrote resonated that much deeper. I'm thinking especially about Everything I Do and The Regent (experience is experience and everyone is different and I don't want to make it about me, but thanks to those two fics especially I've been able to put into words things I've been feeling for years and I could use that to describe what was happening without feeling as lost, like if it exists in a story, it's not just me anymore, there is a sense to it, it's real too). BUT also, as someone who appreciates good writing, oh my god it's brilliant. Both the Regent and Everything I Do (still the ones I read the most) felt like a maze and everyting still made sense and all the characters were brilliant and fitted together and each time a revelation happened it was like "oh of course!" and everything falls into place. As I reread them I just find new details and puzzle pieces and it's a joy. I feel you make it so easy to understand what your characters are feeling and why they do what they do without overexplaining, excusing or killing the mystery. It's that extremely human mess, people not yet able to know why they do what they do, that is so difficult to write, I find. Like how things just happen but it makes sense if you think about it but also it doesn't have to as long as you trust it makes sense to the character, and I definitely trust your characters. So yeah. Thank you. Danke. I don't really ever post or anything, I'm just here to read but it felt selfish here not to say anything. I hope you have a lovely evening!

Don't be sorry, gosh this warms my heart, you have no idea. :)

Everything I do and Regent are both stories that are deeply personal to me. They both helped me get through some things and explain things to myself. So a part of that mess is literally me, being that mess myself and figuring stuff out. And I wrote them because I hoped to reach some people who struggle with similar things.

I just... Every time I post something, it is my wish that it makes someone laugh, makes someone think or feel. And I hope to help people understand. Either themselves or perhaps some other broader concept. It's rarely the stories I hold dear most that seem to reach that goal. It gives me purpose in a way.

To see that those two, the ones that I may as well have ripped right from my soul, reach you in this way moves me immensely. i really hope you're alright. I know the echo. It can be tough. (The analogy is spot on, not gonna lie.)

You're not selfish, no matter whether or not you had told me this. Thank you that you did. It means so much to me to know this.<3

#faq #answer #ask #thank you so much for this #it really does mean a lot

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actualaster · 1 year

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Alright, so, Thoughts on Lightfall.

Overall I enjoyed it quite a bit, though it's not without issues. On the whole I feel it did more right than wrong, and I can very much admit that several of the things I find to be flaws may very well just be down to personal taste in writing choices rather than objective problems.

So, in general, it's mostly positive with some discussion of areas that I think might have been better handled.

Naturally spoilers abound below.

Also discussions of new/revamped gameplay mechanics in addition to the storyline stuff.

Going to be a bit disjointed and achronological because my brain does not vibe with the concept of time in general.

So, first of all, NIMBUS. I love them. They're a great character. I want to see more of them in the future. Canon on-screen nonbinary rep in a character who is great, who has speaking lines AND is a major character in the expansion, AND doesn't just get killed off? YES. It seems like a previous Cloud Strider, Stargazer, may also have been they/them? There's definitely another they/them as an average citizen in the lorebook AND somebody who seems genderfluid.

So Neomuna just casually embraces being nonbinary and it's NOT just a Cloud Strider thing it's just a normal part of their culture. Love that~

Alright, now for everything else.

I really enjoyed the new aesthetics of Neomuna! Very pretty~ I especially love the sparkly, glittery stone (or whatever) ground and caves, that's just such a pretty thing and it's always a top tier design choice. Also really love how they made the Cloud Striders so dang tall! Makes sense with their augments and whatnot, but still, great choice~

Still haven't poked around all the Lost Sectors but I loved the arcade (and the Goblin just... scanning a game cabinet lol. Absolute favorite Vex right there, a shame I had to kill it)

Haven't messed around too much with the new weapons and such, so I can't speak to how I enjoy the new perks or anything yet thought I like the aesthetics of them again.

The re-worked mod system is pretty solid, IMO. It streamlines a lot of stuff. Could use more tweaks, I miss some of the older mods and such, but the team will absolutely be monitoring things and adding new mods and tweaking existing ones and such as we go. It's a massive overhaul so it'll take time for things to fully settle, and I'll probably tweak things around further in the future.

I do prefer the perk system for the seasonal artifact as well, by the way, less of a pain than trying to slot mods into your gear and sacrificing stuff. Still struggling with stunning Champions but that's mostly because I'm still getting used to the new setup and fiddling with weapons and such.

Loudout system is great, no more needing to change up mods or appearances when you swap classes lol.

I do wish they'd maybe increase the slots we have for weapons, or something. It's getting hard to juggle and energy slots between what i need to complete bounties, what I need to stun champions, and what I run for everything else, especially if I've got an exotic catalyst or two I'm trying to work on...

Also, while Strand is fun, it feels... Slower for abilities to recharge, somehow? Might just be because most of my other sub-classes have ways to recharge themselves in PvE faster and all. Especially the loading time on the grapple grenade. I very much get why it's like that but also since it doubles as a movement mechanic and not just a combat mechanic it's a little... Tedious. But there's not really a good way to adjust that, I think, because it's not like destiny has a dedicated "extra movement method" button or anything.

Anyway that might feel a little less clunky as I unlock aspects and try to put together a decent Strand build. Need to find a decent high-stat Exotic to pair it with, tbh, the one I'm running now is just kinda.. Meh, it's what I've got on hand lol. So that might very well be coloring my opinions on it, I can fully admit that's a strong possibility. (But, also, I fully expect Bungie to tweak Strand going forwards as more and more players get their hands on it and they can see on a large scale how it's working and where it's struggling).

ANYWAY enough about that! ON TO OTHER STUFF.

So, overall, I liked the story they told. I do wish we'd delved more into the what the Veil is, however. It's obvious by the time you're doing some of the post-campaign stuff that not even the people of Neomuna have a solid grasp on what it is, and I would have liked to see that explored more... I know they're probably going to drip feed us some of that info over the seasons but I feel like that's extremely relevant to THIS expansion and I feel that expansions should balance being self-contained and setting up the next part of the story (unless it's a standalone expansion in which case it should be entirely self-contained).

Lightfall... Felt like it leaned a little too heavily on the "setting up for the next part" side of things. It wasn't bad, but I feel like we could have explored a bit more in the expansion itself. Maybe not part of the main campaign, but as a post-campaign quest or something to learn a little more about the Veil, and such.

I don't want to describe it as "filler", because it's not, but it did... Hrm... How to explain it... Like, obviously it's the link between Witch Queen and The Final Shape, that's just kind of what the expansions are--continuing the story and linking the entries that came before with those that came after. But Lightfall... It felt a little more like it was meant to just be a bridge and less like it was taking itself seriously as a full story in it's own right.

It's not bad, exactly, but it felt a little... Off. Like it wasn't quite able to come into it's own as an expansion outside of it's role linking WQ and TFS. An excellent effort was made, and that is a fine line to walk so I don't want to give the devs too much grief over it! But it does feel like it managed to fall a bit short on that.

Some of it was the pacing. The pacing felt a little... Inconsistent? Like some areas, such as Rohan's death, felt kind of rushed--we barely had time to get to know or care about these characters before he's sacrificing himself for us! And others felt like they dragged a little--Strand mastery, mostly. That somehow manage to feel like it both took up too much time and too little time.

I think that part is more... It felt like it took forever to get to the serious training to master it, and once we hit that it came very rapidly. I think that maybe if it had been a focus for one more or one less mission it would have felt better paced.

But also part of that might be less to do with the actual Strand and more to do with the content of the missions themselves. I did notice several of them had extended "no respawn" segments which were... Grueling, if you weren't very well-prepared and that can absolutely be coloring my perception of the pacing. It's hard to pull them apart, really.

Battles in segments did seem to drag on a bit, and some of the new stuff you do in Neomuna (the "terminal override" activity) seem to drag on, becoming more of a test of endurance than anything else.

Now, some of this is undoubtedly because we're all still adjusting to the new mod system and we all started out at low light compared to the recommended stuff with the new expansion and all. As we all start to get up there in light level, get better gear, get a handle on the new system, etc. I suspect these will start going faster.

So I don't want to be too hard on that aspect because, y'know, we just came off a "we've got YEARS of experience mastering the system and we're at the top of our game" in terms of gameplay so there's gonna be a learning curve for many of us again and I don't want to ding the devs on that too badly if it really just feels tedious due to needing to get familiar with things and better gear and such.

Plus, like. I know I'm not as big a fan of the battlegrounds style stuff because they take longer and I prefer quick, intense bursts of combat rather than extended firefights, so that's likely also my personal taste coloring how I feel there.

That said, not all the battle segments seemed to drag on--and several of those that were longer absolutely made sense and it really added to the emotional feelings of the mission with how they lasted longer.

Like, the run-up to fighting Calus?

When Caitatl shows up to fight alongside you with her troops through wave after wave of enemy? It felt like that fight took forever--but that worked great because it really fed the sense of "shit, fuck, NO, we have to hurry, we don't have time for this!" and that sense of "can we make it? No, we have to! We have to endure!" desperation that really, really fit the "the enemy is about to fucking win we HAVE to stop them!" that was being built up.

Actually, honestly, the more I think about it... The more I think that may have been the point all along with the combat segments that felt like took longer? To build that "we don't have time to be wasting here" sense of impatience to hurry and try to stop the Witness from getting the Veil.

But, also, again, they may have just taken longer and feel too long because I'm not totally used to the new system and still building myself up again--and I would imagine that the same could be true for others who also felt they were lengthy.

Calus' death, though, that was great. The battle was annoying because I was still trying to get a hang of swinging around with Strand and kept getting knocked off, but that was a skill issue not a game design issue lol.

I liked how in the end he became desperate, and his death just... Felt fitting. He met the end he was always destined for. Honestly a of the imagery around Calus was great, they did a great job of showing that while he gives service to the Witness he's still not actually satisfied and that his "gains" are just... Hollow. Empty. Just like him, really. All superficial opulence with no substantial filling.

His Chalice, a beautiful thing that was never filled, was a fantastic metaphor for Calus himself.

Speaking of interesting things, though.

The Cloud Striders vs the Guardians. One that chooses a life cut drastically short, not as a tragedy, but as a joyful sacrifice to protect and serve their people, a heavy mantle but one taken up willingly by those who are passionate about the cause. And one that has immortality thrust upon them without warning, without consent, and without any sort of purpose innate to the lifespan change.

They're a fun little twisted reflection of each other, and something I hope gets explored further even if only in the lore--that's a really, really neat concept that has a lot of fun potential for compare/contrast, you know?

AND, ON TOP OF THAT, the Guardian hesitates to cut their own existence short--the choice to shoot their Ghost, to save everything? (Or at least delay the Witness' plan)? And they hesitate, they can't quite do it in time (and once it's over there's no point). It's understandable, Ghost is your friend, somebody you care about and I think it makes perfect sense that we'd hesitate. I mean even outside of the narrative of "they can't have us kill Ghost because then we wouldn't be immortal anymore and that would really kind of screw with the whole 'players are immortal beings who come back over and over and over and just Get Better from grievous wounds on the fly'" thing. It just makes sense in general.

But there's also, there, that moment of hesitation in the face of sacrificing their immortality--when Rohan chose to cut his already truncated life short without hesitation to the same end.

It's not that I think we were wrong for our choice, or that his sacrifice was better or anything.

I just thing they're fascinating inversions of each other--parallel lines traveling in opposite direction.

And I think that was really well-done.

Also, speaking of well-done, the cutscene at the end of the new exotic quest for Deterministic Chaos, where the remains of Sagira's shell are enshrined in the Hall of Heroes right behind Rohan's monument/server. That was such a good touch, it was so perfect. It just feels right.

I just.

Yeah, the expansion had it's issues (what doesn't?) and things I would have changed up a bit but overall it was very enjoyable and did some amazing stuff with imagery, metaphor, and implied parallels for players to take note of. My biggest gripes are with gameplay, and those will very likely be lessened as the new mod system and subclass get tweaked and we all start getting more experience with them and such.

A fun time that deserves some criticism but really doesn't seem to deserve the more vitriolic hate I've seen.

So, on the whole, I'd give it a very solid 8/10.

#kage plays games #kage plays destiny #destiny 2 #lightfall #lightfall spoilers #anyway i hope this is at least semi-coherent lol #i have Feelings and Thoughts but Words Are Hard so #lengthy post

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selchielesbian · 2 years

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gideon the ninth, while it broke my heart, was very fun, especially since it activated the professor-layton-poirot-locked-door-mystery loving part of my brain. so here’s my little scorecard of the things I got right and wrong. plus some other random commentary.

-figured out protesilaus was doa, it did NOT occur to me, however, that this would be a problem for everyone else lmao the concept of a necromantic sin is very interesting because where the line is drawn seems to be very arbitrary. like i said before this book has some interesting arguments surrounding the politics of death. i need to chew on it a bit more (and maybe read harrow first) before i come back to it.

-this also led me to assume one of the bodies in the furnace was his--and the other had to be dulcinea...but then of course ‘dulcinea’ was found, so i dismissed that theory and assumed it was one of the priests and something had taken their place

-even though i had an inkling that it was either dulcinea or the third house that killed magnus and abigail, i did not figure out what was going on w ‘dulcinea’ until palamedes confronts her. and i only figured it out before the actual reveal because he said “when i started writing to you, you were fifteen..” and I went. wait a minute. the math isn’t mathing because dulcinea said she was 25 (or i guess, teacher did), but if she was fifteen 12 years ago that would make her 27...somebody lying. much like gideon i’m blinded by hot nice lady :( gideon is stronger than me though cause after everything that happened i probably would have just said ‘yeah okay fuck it’ and went along with cytherea lol. -i have lots of dulcinea and cytherea thoughts but that’ll maybe get its own post.

-on that note--I assumed Teacher was the lyctor. what was going on with him was MUCH more interesting, however

-after harrow and gideon completed the first challenge in imaging (+ what they uncovered in the lyctor lab) it was pretty clear to me that the process to become a lyctor meant the adept and the cavalier have to merge their life force somehow, I just really didn’t understand the magical theory behind it until the end. also had palamedes’ same reaction of ‘well of course that’s how it works--but also that’s totally against the purpose of creating these extremely emotionally intense bonds between the cavaliers and their necromancers.’ but actually that’s EXACTLY why these relationships exist--the process only works properly if the life force is shared willingly. see ianthe struggling with naberius who is ANGRY at her, vs gideon being able to merge almost immediately with harrow. -on the subject of the twins; it actually would have probably been better for her to take corona’s soul, but ofc it’s supposed to be the cav who makes the sacrifice, and she wants naberius’ skills. poor babs. poor corona. it would have been interesting to see what happened if she absorbed coronoabeth’s vitality, though -my theory that one of the twins is dead was only half right--that ianthe is definitely more sickly/near dead and this is exacerbated by covering for coronabeth’s lack of ability. but in that way it makes her a very powerful necromancer, if we’re subscribing to the theory that being near death gives you a constant source of necromantic power ala what made dulcinea a talented adept. and then she has a constant source of power via corona (energy transference, which explains why they would leave and come back and leave and come back when working) and naberius (through EATING HIM).

-still not 100% sure what’s going on re: gideon’s parentage but I have a theory...obviously many of the adepts and cavs were NOT happy with the realization that becoming a lyctor means the cavalier has to die--the hints harrow and gideon found in the first lyctor lab showed that a few of them may even have been trying to find ways around it. I think it’s possible gideon IS the gideon from the note, or an attempt at putting that gideon’s soul in another body. which would explain why gideon was immune to the neurotoxin as a baby and seems to heal much more quickly than others in general.

#gideonposting #gideon the ninth #the dialogue is still the worst part of this book #and in parts is arguably unforgivable

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icanonlybe-human · 2 years

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There are a couple of things tonight that have been pissing me off that I just need to talk about.

I told my aunt that I was autistic on the weekend, and her initial reaction was the stuff of dreams for an autistic person. The next day, not so much. The words “you’re obviously high functioning” came out of her mouth and I’m going to explain why I despise functioning labels with a passion.

First of all, calling me high functioning isn’t a compliment, it’s just invalidating my experience as an autistic person and ignores all the struggles that I go through. Just because I hide my true nature pretty well, doesn’t make me high functioning. Yes, I may be able to hold a conversation and occasionally make eye contact, but what you don’t see is me soon rushing off to be alone and having a shutdown every night. Or the migraines I get because of the effort I put into acting normal. No one sees the days where I can’t talk, or leave my room, or make myself eat. They haven’t seen the times where I haven’t been able to shower for weeks, and they sure as hell weren’t there when I had to spend hours combing out the mats in my hair. Just because I’m standing in front of you talking doesn’t make me “high functioning” and since you don’t see every fucking thing in my life, you *do not* have the right to make a comment on how I don’t seem to be struggling. Second of all, the whole “low functioning” thing tends to be stuck onto autistic people who are non-verbal or just aren’t interested in human interaction so don’t answer other people. That doesn’t make them any less functioning than me, they just won’t partake in whatever bullshit you have going on. The truth is, autistic people will find their own ways to function and their own support systems. We *all* need support, so saying that low functioning autistic people need more support is bullshit. They just need different support. So by saying high functioning, you’re minimising the struggles I go through, ignoring the struggles I do go through, and denying me the access to support I need. By saying low functioning, you’re just being an asshole and saying that because they don’t fit your desires of how to behave, that they suddenly can’t be human. It’s degrading. When I’m in a “low functioning” state, do you know how many people talk about me instead of to me? Or how I suddenly just become an object to carry around and something to deal with. I know everything that’s going on, and it’s a similar feeling to being called a retard.

Second thing that’s bothering me: this thing where people are saying “there’s no such thing as normal.” Well, I think you’ll find that people who say that are normal. Did you know that only 1% of the world’s population is estimated to be autistic? Same figure for asexuality. I’m pretty sure that a statistic of 99 to 1 is a pretty clear indication of what is deemed “normal” in those circumstances. And as an asexual autistic, I can tell you right now that kids knew the difference between normal and different. Hell, they even came up with words for them, like “weird.” Same goes for adults too. And as an asexual autistic who is living in a world not designed for me but for the normal, I can tell you right now that the concept of “normal” people does, in fact, exist. I’m lucky for the fact that I have use of my arms and legs, and am therefore “normal” in that sense. But you can’t why that people fall outside of that definition of normal. And no, I’m not one of those girls who go “I’m quirky and different uwu.“ I’m different because I literally have a brain that works differently to the 99% majority of literally everyone else. And I was and still am bullied for it. Being different isn’t fucking fun. It’s a pain in the ass. And I would really like people to actually recognise that instead of just saying “no-one is normal.” Like fuck off Chad, you cis, white, neurotypical, straight, physically abled man.

Last thing that was annoying today: Ju. She put her feet up on the couch next to my face. I get it’s her house but that’s fucking disgusting, and if she wanted her feet up she can literally recline in the chair she was sitting in. She was also making so many mouth noises tonight and complaining about shit that is entirely and purely her fault. So sick of it.

#diary #journal

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mimzy-writing-online · 3 years

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Writing Toph Beifong, Advice from a Blind Writer

I’m Mimzy, an actual visually impaired writer and blogger who talks a lot about writing blind characters accurately and sensitively. A while back someone sent me an anon asking how to write Toph more accurately and sensitively.

Anonymous asked: Hi there! Your blog has been super-helpful already - I thought I knew a bit about writing with blind characters, but it turns out there was a lot to learn - but this is more specific. I'm writing a The Last Airbender fanfiction, and one of the characters is Toph. I think the fandom has done a fairly good job of respecting her blindness, but what are some things you'd like to see when people write her? I want to represent the character as best as possible; thanks in advance!

It’s taken a while for me to answer because I have a lot of thoughts about it as both a blind writer and someone who has read a lot of atla fanfiction. So here we go:

Before we get started, I want to mention some things:

One: I have an entire series for writing blind characters that continues to grow with time and the most up-to-date version can be found pinned as the top post on my blog. There will be a time-stamp for when the post was last edited and a long series of links to all relevant posts on the subject.

Here’s a quick link to that post, but again, all you have to do is click my blog url and you’ll find it immediately.

Two: I’ve noticed something amazing about the atla fandom and I would like to thank you for it. I’ve noticed a lot of bloggers have taken to writing image descriptions for both the fanart and memes you post in the fandom, whether it’s OP including the description or another blogger adding it themselves. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a fandom so consistently doing this and that’s incredible. Realizing how many different blogs were picking up this habit has warmed my heart.

I’d like to see writers use her other senses. There’s soooo so much more to her O&M (Orientation and Mobility) than earth sense.

Beyond sight and earth bending, there’s hearing, touch, smell, taste, sense of direction, hot vs cold, sense of pain, sense of where your body parts are in relation to the rest of you, sense of internal well-being, etc. Before Toph had mastery of her earth bending, she had to have mastery of those too.

Toph also must have very strong opinions about certain smells, sounds, tastes, and textures. Toph is opinionated about everything, and when so much of your understanding of the world depends on senses that most people are ignoring in favor of some other sense you don’t have, it gets frustrating. I’m sure that tree looks pretty but the smell is terrible. Who cares if this fabric looks pretty, it’s scratchy, do. not. like. at. all.

But also in positive ways too. Oh, that flower arrangement looks bland and monochromatic? Who cares, it smells sweet and honey-like. Weird dark cavern with high ceiling and no light? The harmonics are awesome.

Every character probably has a certain sight or image they’re particularly fond of: Katara watching snow fall, or Aang enjoying how small the world looks from up on Appa, or Zuko enjoying the sunrise every morning during meditation. In that line, Toph must have some things personal to her that she enjoys.

I imagine she likes the taste of foods familiar to her childhood, the smell of whatever flowers grew around her home, and the texture of certain kinds of dirt Example: loose dirt probably isn’t the best for seeing, but I think she would enjoy how it feels to run her fingers through it or maybe enjoy the way it softens her perception of the world the same way sighted people like to see colorful, bright lights reflecting off puddles in the middle of rain.

If you struggle with this, that’s okay. I recommend taking some time to think about it for yourself, to find what tastes and smells and textures and sounds you enjoy the most, what makes you feel safe and at home, what brings you comfort, and relate that back to Toph.

In a Modern AU, I want to see Toph have a cane. Even in a Modern AU with bending included in the world building, I think Toph would benefit from having a cane.

The cane has a lot more function than bumping into things. A big part is that it signals to others that you are very obviously blind. Which is a big deal because sighted people are really, really bad at spotting the blind person.

(psst, please stop saying ‘the blank look in her eyes’ because I swear to god it’s been killing me inside for years.)

Also, even in an AU with bending, I think Toph would like the advantage of tapping her cane to create a stronger, more distinct vibration than a small shifting of her weight on her feet. It would have more control.

You could give Toph a guide animal, buuuuuuut, um, Toph is not a guide dog person. Like, there are some people who definitely prefer a guide dog, and some people who definitely prefer a cane, and some who definitely prefer no mobility device at all. Toph does not have the vibes of someone who wants to be both responsible and reliant on an animal when she’s so insistent that she can take care of herself on her own. Toph likes animals, but not that much.

Although, yeah, only 10% of the blind community use mobility devices, so cane and guide dog users are the minority of the blind community, but I stand by the vibe that Toph would love the independence of a cane. Also, it’s almost never ever done. Modern AUs never seem to touch much on Toph’s O&M skills with canes or guide dogs.

I wrote a whole post on everything you need to know about canes, what orientation and mobility is, how you learn O&M, what kind of canes exist, how to use them, how to describe the sensory input a cane gives you, and everything I know about guide dogs from past research.

Honestly, you could give Toph (or any blind character) a cane in any AU, because I fully stand by the theory that canes are a piece of technology that has been invented, lost, and reinvented again and again.

I wrote “I found a piece of lost blindness history” a few months ago after a visit to see my grandparents. My grandmother told me how her blind aunt found a way to write letters by hand to send to my grandmother when she was a child. I speculated on how the long cane has probably been invented and then lost and then reinvented over and over again in history, as well as giving a little history on the growing popularity of guide dogs in the 20th century following World War 1.

About the “blank look in her eyes,” I have a theory to the exact cause and nature of Toph’s blindness.

I know it’s common to think that the milky green color of her eyes is why she’s blind, though I’m not sure how many realize that milky green color is caused by severe cataracts. At least, cataracts is what I assume to be the reason for the color of her eyes. However, people with cataracts still have some remaining sense of light and shadow perception.

Only 9% of the blind community is completely blind, seeing absolutely nothing. The rest have some remaining vision, even if that’s only light and shadow perception or the perception of vague movement.

The percentage of people born completely blind is even smaller.

Toph says that she’s never been able to see, which would lead me to guess that the initial cause of her blindness was a defect with the visual processing part of her brain. I also theorize that the cataracts developed slowly over her very formative years and that she likely wasn’t born with them. For that reason, I think it would have taken a few weeks or months for her parents to realize there was something wrong with her eyes.

Here is a post about the developmental years of blind children and how their life would differ from both sighted children and from someone who went blind as an adult.

What is it like to see nothing?

It’s a concept that sighted people struggle with and I completely understand. I myself didn’t understand the concept of “nothing” until someone explained it as this:

“Imagine trying to see out the back of your head.”

Which, genuinely, imagine that. Try that. Because here’s what I found. There’s no part of my body that can help perceive that. I don’t have eyes there, nor do I have a part of my brain that can process that. Because of this, there is no sense of light or dark, no shape or shadow or movement or depth that I can perceive. There is nothing.

And honestly, it gives me a headache trying to think too much about it.

Toph doesn’t see black, doesn’t have a mental image of it. When people talk about light and dark, Toph has nothing to base the concept on. The closest relation she has to that is silence versus sound, or her earth sense when she’s in the air on Appa versus when she’s on solid ground. But it’s not the same.

I would like to examine the way the show tried to describe Toph’s earth sense, that black void with ripples of white stretching from her feet and outwards. Television is a visual medium so of course their explanation of Toph’s earth sense would be visual, but that’s not what it’s actually like in her head. More accurately, it’s like touching the back of your head to something and feeling what’s solid behind it and what has more give. A wall versus a pillow for example. Slamming your hand on a flimsy table and feeling it rattle under your palm. And for someone so adept at using that sense, she feels not just the table surface under her palm, but the individual rattles down the four legs, how uneven those rattles are because the legs are carved decoratively instead of solid planks, and how the foot of each leg bumps against the ground, and how the floor vibrates in response to the impact, which she feels in both her feet and hand.

About Toph’s Relationship with Her Parents

It’s not something I see touched on much. There’s been a lot of focus on Zuko and Azula’s relationship with their parents and the abuse, as well as exploration of Sokka and Katara’s trauma with losing their mother, and Sokka looking up to his warrior father while Katara struggles with her abandonment issues.

Please don’t take this as a critique, because there are a few valid reasons for this and I would like to give you some insight on how to explore Toph’s relationship with her parents.

For starters, the show had a lot more reason to focus on Zuko and Azula’s parents, with Fire Lord Ozai being the primary villain and Zuko’s greatest abuser, and Azula’s dependent worship of her father in response to Ursa’s neglect and favoritism of Zuko, which was likely Ursa’s response to Ozai’s favoritism of Azula. Their parents are huge driving motivators for why Zuko and Azula make the decisions and mistakes they do, why they are at one point in the show the villains themselves. (And why I think Azula should get a redemption arc and some healing.)

Katara’s trauma of losing her mother and blaming herself is a huge factor in both her response to the war, her relationship with her bending, and her motherly nature with her friends. The show has to explore that. Just as it has to explore Sokka’s problems with toxic masculinity in response to being the man of his village, and his desire to be a great warrior and leader like the father he idolizes.

The show needs to explore that to make the plot move forward, and it benefits from these being two sibling sets with different responses to their upbringing and different sibling dynamics, setting them up as foils for each other.

The show also wouldn’t benefit by giving Lao and Poppy Beifong more screen time. Their established character were two nobles who kept as far out of the war as possible and prospered monetarily for it. Poppy was polite and demure and Lao liked to lead the conversation. Unless the gAang decided to return to Toph’s home, those characters had no reason to pop up anywhere in the show. And if they did, they would be a hinder to Toph and her part in the plot as both Aang’s earth bending teacher and as the greatest earth bender in the world, tossing Fire Nation soldiers eight ways to Sunday.

So truly, I understand that there’s not a whole lot of canon material (comparatively) to go off of when developing this, but I will offer some insight on what is there in canon.

Toph’s relationship with her parents is explored in that it maps out why Toph doesn’t want to be mothered by Katara, why she wants to prove how independent she is, but there’s very little on screen interaction between Toph and her parents.

Toph deeply loves her parents. I think that plays into why she doesn’t want Katara mothering her, because she has a wonderful mother at home who she loves and wants to better understand her, but she had no friends growing up and no older sister, which are the roles she needs and wants Katara to fill. If Toph wanted a mother figure, she would have latched onto Katara. Look at how Zuko never sought out another mother figure but did find a father figure in Iroh as he began to heal from his childhood trauma and separate his self image from his father’s acceptance.

Toph is in a complicated situation, she loves her parents but the way they’re raising her is hurting her in the long run. But Toph can see that their actions are because of their immense love for her. She can see how they would do anything for her. While she never had any examples of how other noble children were treated by their parents, who might have been distant or disinterested or always away for their social and work lives, she was remarkably loved by her parents. Her father put careful thought into her tutors and checked in on her progress. Her mother feared for Toph’s emotional state when she was kidnapped (even if she was incorrect about how Toph would respond), showing genuine empathy for her daughter.

I think their over protective nature became the love language Toph best understood them by, and part of her reasoning for not revealing how capable she was, was because she wanted to keep experiencing that love and care for as long as she could. But it’s not a love language she would put up with from anyone else.

I would like to point out Toph’s genuine excitement to see her mom again in the season finale of Book Two, how badly Toph wants her mom to understand and accept her for who she is.

My thoughts on what Toph can’t do: read, swim, see in the sand, fight things mid-air.

For how incredibly powerful the show makes Toph with her earth bending and the O&M she taught herself through it, they do touch on some of her weaknesses when they come up and find a useful way to showcase them.

The Serpent’s Pass was an excellent example of Toph’s vulnerability in water. From her fear of not being able to see on Katara’s ice bridge to not being able to swim and needing Suki to save her, Toph’s weaknesses putting her in danger added to the excitement and “sitting on the edge of your seat” feeling while watching the episode without turning her into someone who was helpless. She was just in a position where her normal defenses were useless.

Just like the earth benders in the metal prison in the ocean, or Katara having little water in the middle of a desert where her friends needed that water to survive more than she needed it to fight, making her vulnerable later in the show when the insect-wasp things attacked. Just like fire benders being weaker at night, or powerless during a solar eclipse, or a sighted person being lost in the dark. Those were just situations in which the tools you were accustomed to relying on could no longer help you or were taken away.

The show was clever in that it didn’t make her inability to read a direct threat to her safety, but rather as a clever plot device for her to be alone when the sand banders attacked and have to choose between fighting them to save Appa, or holding back an entire fricking building by the tiniest spire on its very top from falling into a void leading to the spirit world. It also showed her weakness to not being able to see or fight as well in sand. Which the show later made an effort to show how she’d improved on that problem in Book Three when she was surrounded by nothing but sand at Ember Island.

Like improving her ability to see in the sand, I would like to see a character teach Toph to swim, or at least float, so that she never feels helpless again. If she took the initiative to improve her sand bending so much, I’m sure she would have learn to swim eventually.

And on the note of reading, I’ve seen some speculation on how Toph could learn to read, whether it’s through using ink that has some percentage of earth mixed in, or developing the sensitivity to feel out the different weight, consistency, and texture of ink on paper.

I would like to bring your attention to Louis Braille, the blind Frenchman who invented Braille while studying at the Institut National des Jeunes Aveugles, the world’s very first school for the blind in Paris France (established 1785). Previously Louis was learning to read through a method in which each letter was pressed into the paper to leave an imprint that someone could feel out with just their fingers.

Louis Braille concluded that raised lettering was impractical because-

1. It is difficult to read, the letters had to be printed in huge font to be fully felt out and printed on thick paper.

2. Thick paper means higher quality, more expensive. Larger font means more paper is needed for a single text.

3. This made it inaccessible due to expense and the sheer volume of a text.

4. If today’s Braille books are hard to access and giant compared to traditional books, I can’t imagine how inaccessible those raised letter books really were.

The subject of Braille, the start and controversial near downfall to Institut National des Jeunes Aveugles were discussed in a post about writing a blind character during the Victorian Era.

I’ve heard others complain in the past about fantasy universes in which a sighted person invents a solution to allow the blind to read, when the most effective and longest lived method was invented by a blindman over two hundred years ago and is the standard taught in schools today.

And while I couldn’t easily explain it or how it works because I can neither read Braille nor speak Chinese, I can tell you that Chinese Braille exists and works only slightly differently from the Braille western languages use. So, again, modern AUs especially would benefit from enabling Toph to read Braille and use a computer and phone with screen reader.

But just as easily you could choose not to have her learn to read but rather have sighted people read things aloud to her. Whether it’s in a professional setting as an adult having an assistant who reads and writes for her, or as a cute, fluffy little moment between Toph and another character. Both are just as genuine to the blindness experience.

Blind Jokes

If you ever get around to reading my post about blind jokes, I’d like you to remember that it’s primarily written for people writing original characters and that Toph canonically makes blind jokes, so to take away from that would not be true to her character.

Does Toph’s Earth Sense Negate her Blindness?

It’s a question I’ve seen raised before and discussed by both abled, disabled, and blind people. There are multiple perspectives on it, but my own take on it is that Toph’s earth bending does not negate her blindness, but rather functions very much like the process of learning to use a cane.

She had a tool, a teacher, and she learned to use that tool. Instead of a cane, it was seismic perception and her teacher were blind badger-moles. She spent years learning to earth bend as they do and then continued to take it to new heights as she explored fighting with it on her terms against sighted fighters.

Come to think about it, I would love to see Toph teach another visually impaired or blind earth bender who to see and bend as she does.

Is Toph Good Blindness Representation?

This question was posed to me in the comments of my master post, and my answer was something like this: “Toph is good representation, but she can't be the only type of representation we get. She's the best we had 15 years ago, but there are a million ways to nuance the blindness experiences. Toph's experience being born blind, having very over protective parents, being a small girl in a patriarical and wealth influenced society, having no friends growing up. Those are all great aspects of blindness to show, but there is so much more to explore. As for her blindness and whether or not that's negated, that's also nuanced. She has limits, she's not all-powerful, but she is the best earth bender hands down. More or less, I love Toph, she's a great character, give me like a million more blind characters who are completely different from her.”

I want to see accurate and well-written blind characters become much more common in modern media, and that’s why I started this blog. So if you decide you want to write your own blind character from scratch, feel free to come back and look at some of my other stuff.

End Notes:

I want to thank the anon who sent the original question because it never occurred to me how much the atla fandom would benefit from a post like this.

You should follow my blog. Along with advice about writing blind characters, I write general writing advice and answer questions about writing, college, plot development, character analysis, and living with blindness. I curate writing advice from fellow writeblrs, write my own image descriptions for writing memes, post about mental health and working/living with ADHD, disabilities outside of blindness, and LGBTQA+ topics.

#avatar the last airbender #toph beifong #atla toph #atla #blind character #writing advice #writeblr #fanfiction

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mwolf0epsilon · 2 years

Text

I've had this idea stuck in my brain since reading this post, so now I have to share it with you guys.

In a world where Sheev Palpatine feels more confident in his capabilities as both a sith and puppet master, the various clone battalions find themselves coming back to one topic, and one topic alone: There is something very wrong with the Coruscant Guard.

There's nothing concrete or clear about the what. Just a few rumors that have a few heads scratching here and there. Word of mouth exchanged by tired and mildly buzzed men at 79's after a particularly rough day...

They say that the guardsmen are dead men walking among the living.

That the vode that patrol the streets are dead on record, dead of soul, no light behind their eyes, as they carry on with the duties they died performing on their previous short lives.

They're not the spooky ghosts of legends, nor the shambling zombies of Horror Holos, but definitely not living either... Just... Existing. Perpetuating. There. Wrong.

Rex never believed the rumors, mind you. The concept of dead clones brought back to life is absurd to him in many ways. But he can't ignore the chittering of his men sometimes, nor when the topic pops up on the occasion that he goes out for drinks with the CCs and they note Fox's absence (again).

The rumors are just that. Baseless rumours started by vode that lost contact with their guardsmen batchmates, and who don't know them as well as they thought.

And, even if some of the clones patrolling the streets sound oddly clipped and unsociable to the point where his skin crawls with a sense of strange wrongness, well... It's not really his place to tell them to work on their customer service voice. He trusts that Fox and the other Corrie Commanders have a handle of their men.

Rex doesn't give the topic much thought... Until he's holding a dying Fives in his arms. Looking up at blank faced clones that are watching impassively (almost curiously) as a brother slowly dies in front of them. Not a trickle of emotion to be seen. Just waiting for the inevitable.

Rex is disturbed... Anakin even more so, as he looks like he's struggling to control his fight or flight instinct at that moment...

The only other clone who's just as distressed as Rex seems to be Fox and, while the former never believed the rumors, something possesses Rex to beg for his ori'vod to fix this. He's lost men before, so this shouldn't hurt this much. But Fives isn't just another brother, and Umbara and Kadavo are still too fresh in his mind, so Rex begs and screams and Fox is shaking on his feet.

The Commander, already baring the crushing weight of so much unspoken guilt and grief, concedes. Before he does, however, he warns Rex that this is not something he'd wish on anyone. Least of all a vod'ika he clearly loves so much.

Rex doesn't care. He just wants Fives to live. And Fox seems to know how to make that happen, just as everyone has said he did.

Wordlessly Fox takes Fives's body, takes his vacantly staring men that seem to frighten the Hero with no Fear in such a terrible way, and goes to the Chancellor with a request he's only ever made once...

Palpatine has done this many times by now. He's always hated the thought of the finality of death, so he's spent years researching how to make himself perpetual. Immortal. But thus far the results have not been what he's wanted at all. He needs to refine it.

The clones have made great test subjects.

The discontent in Coruscant has devolved into a savage violence ages ago, and the clones in white and red make for perfect targets to take that violence out on. It doesn't take much to mend their broken bodies and rebind their soul to the vessels... But something always gets lost in between life and death. The soul is never whole when it returns...

The Commanders never say anything about it. They were born unafraid of death but fearful of someone that can violate it. Someone that can bring back their vod'ika as husks of what they were, and send them out to die and return as something even worse. The Commanders know there's nothing they can do to stop Palpatine. They suffer in silence because they're far too scared to hope someone will help them. Instead they focus on trying to protect the lost vode the Chancellor has brought back from the beyond.

Loving them despite the changes.

Despite the wrongness.

It's their responsibility.

It's been their responsibility since Fox came running, desperate to have the recently killed Commander Thorn brought back, only to understand the price of such an heinous act when his loving and caring vod returned cold and unusually cruel but unwilling to harm his vode in the way that he seemed unbothered to do to other creatures (Fox remembers the tooka Thorn had been nurturing back to health before his death, screaming and screaming as the returned Thorn broke every single bone of it's body, eyes empty as he coldly noted that its pain meant nothing to him).

Death took something important away, but the bond the clones shared seemed to stay. No returned vod harmed another clone. So the Guard understood that they had to be responsible for their no longer fallen brothers. Their bond was alive in some way, perhaps the only thing of their brothers that prevailed, so it had to mean something!

Fox hopes Rex understands once he returns the now empty eyed and detached ARC back to the shaken captain. He knows he doesn't once he sees Rex's confused reaction turn to one of horror when Fives's first instinct is to stare at Anakin in the eye and smile as he addresses his fears of Padme dying before him.

"You can bring her back, but she'll never be able to love you. She'll want you dead and be unable to do the deed herself because her hands are tied... She'll hate you without ever being able to express it, because you'll make her something lesser than a slave."

The coldness behind his words are foreign. Not Fives. Wrong. So terribly wrong.

The Jedi Knight throws up violently on the side of the road. Rex screams to the high heavens because he's made a mistake. Fox can only add another brick to the weight he's already carrying on his shoulders.

What's been done is unforgivable and he doubts any of them will ever know peace. Least of all the clones who've been cought in the crossfire of a Sith's war against Death itself.

#star wars #the clone wars #writing prompt #fic idea #captain rex #commander fox #arc trooper fives #undead clones au #pet sematary au #bonus thoughts: returned clones naturaly gravitate towards other dead clone bodies and have them brought back #so Fives likely goes to get Tup's body from Kamino and thats just a double strike to Rex's heart because both his vode'ika are abominations #Echo returns after Skako Minor and now Rex doesnt know if its better to pretend Fives is dead and gone or if to tell him the truth #both options are not great

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