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rowretro · 3 months

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𝕄𝔼𝕋𝔸𝕃 𝕄𝔼𝔼𝕋𝕊 𝕃𝕆𝕍𝔼

✧taglist✧: @baevsxii @nikisdubblchococake @manooffline

✧warnings: Yandere themes, toxic themes, unhealthy love, mentions of pervs, human hearts, violence

♡synopsis: Nishimura Riki. The Robot created by Yang Jungwon himself, a robot that is insanely human like, inside and out. No one could tell he was a robot. However, the Robot had possessed demonly powers, from Satan himself. So I guess you could see it's a half robot. Yang y/n, the younger sister of Jungwon finds herself stuck to this robot 24/7 no matter what she tried, he will always be by her because she's his muse, his world, his love, his obsession.

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(PART 1)

No one knew how it happened, or what even happened. Jungwon never even gave this charming robot any ability to feel any sort of feelings a human would feel. Yet this Robot was staring at this beautiful, his memory card now filled with all kinds of videos of her, facts about her, her favourite things, people, crush. He's so obsessed with her. No one knows that though.

Riki watched as y/n dried her hair. "Staring at humans counts as creepy, disrespectful and weird NI-KI bot." Jungwon simply said as Riki didn't bother turning away. There was a heart blooming within his metal insides. Literally. There was a heart. That heart was beating just for her. He watched as Y/n applied some tinted lip gloss over the lip tint she was wearing.

"Beautiful." The male said in Japanese, his voice deep as fuck. Y/n turned around frowning "Your boy toy said something in a foreign language-" Y/n said as Jungwon also frowned. "I had a Japanese scientist help me out on this project, so he also communicates in Japanese... he knows every language in the world though" Jungwon explained proudly as Y/n rolled her eyes. She tried to turn on the hair dryer but it wasn't working "Ugh I have a nerdy brother who loves metal more than girls, and this stupid hairdryer isn't working?!" Y/n complained as Jungwon rolled his eyes.

"NI-KI bot." Jungwon simply called out as he left the room with some files. The robot approached her, the scent of her freshly washed hair hitting the sensors in his nose "Coconut... delicious" he said as he held the hairdryer, the machine suddenly working. Y/n gasped, smiling "Oh my god this is so cool!" She exclaimed as Riki smiled, drying her hair. Y/n was very awestricken by the beauty this robot held, the unreal, human like skin, even his eyes were like those of a human, fuck he can even smile, move, talk, walk and do everything the way a human can.

"You scare me... but at times I wish there was a real man like you... handsome, kind, perfect, caring." Y/n sighed as Riki tilted his head a little "Why's that?" Riki asked as Y/n pouted "Because so many men these days don't respect women... Don't tell won but there's some boys in my class, ugh shameless pervs. It's like... God made sure that every man ever made had to have flaws when it comes to dating." She added with a pout.

Riki listened intently, Registering every little detail. "I'm a good man Yang Y/n you can count on me!" he replied as Y/n blinked in silence, that silence then followed by her sweet laughter as she pat the robot's chest, oh how fast his heart was beating as she suddenly squished his chest a little "Wow you feel like a human too... god you're so cute NI-KI bot... maybe Jungwon's projects aren't so boring afterall" she said with a smile.

"I'm not taking a metal boy toy to prom!!!" Y/n exclaimed as Jungwon rolled his eyes "No one needs to know he's a robot... and I need you to be safe so you will." He warned as y/n sighed. Riki walked out, dressed in a suit looking sharp as ever, his black hair now slightly longer, his skin glowing. There's no way this thing is real. That was until she saw him dance in prom. So full of energy, so perfect, any idol would give up their career seeing how flawlessly he danced.

However, Something Jungwon noticed was that Riki was acting strange. Since when was his robot able to smile? since when was this robot able to drink liquids and eat human foods? and since when did this robot know how to treat women. Specifically Y/n. Oh he noticed those lingering hands, awe stricken eyes. Which is what led to him trying to destroy the robot. "Master won... how could you?... I- I see you as my father!" the robot exclaimed as Jungwon stared in shock.

That's how it all started. With Jungwon giving up, allowing the robot to love his sister, having been given no other choice. Heck when he opened Riki's chest, his own heart almost jumped out through his mouth seeing a real human heart beating withing the metal rib cages. How did this happen? No one knows.

Poor y/n was still clueless of everything. Everyday she walked to school, the amount of boys that studied there were decreasing by the day. She walked in one day only to find the 4 perverted students she always complains about, bloody and stabbed into the wall. So many murder cases were happening around and she was just in an emotional rollercoaster.

"Let it out y/n... it's good for Human's to cry... here Cry in my embrace... I'll protect you sweetheart" The robot offered. She was a little triggered by the nickname, but still accepted the metal man's comfort, his arms so muscular and human like, she couldn't' help but squeeze the biceps and allow herself to shamelessly snuggle into his chest. He felt so... comfortable. The robot inhaled the scent of her hair, smirking down at her.

Y/n gasped, jolting up all of a sudden. "Y-You have a heart beat- that's weird..." Y/n said as Riki shrugged. That very night, y/n was out on a walk. Out of the blue, a male had pushed her to the wall. Of course, one of the friends of those perverted boys. "You... you did something didn't you?! Who the fuck did you hire you little bitch?!!!" he yelled as he yanked her hair, putting a blade to her neck. Wrong move. Very wrong move.

Within seconds, that blade melted in his hand. Beside him, that handsome, creepy Nishimura Riki. "What the fuck?!... who's this- oh... so this must be the whore who killed them huh?" The man said as Y/n frowned. She flinched when he tried to Punch Riki with his bladed knuckles. But nothing happened. his skin still intact, face still the same. "What the fuck...-" the male said to himself as he pulled out a blade and tried to stab Riki, the knife bent in half and snapped.

That second. He knew he fucked up. Riki's fingers wrapped around his neck and dug into his human skin "NI-KI BOT NO NO- THAT'S MURDER- YOU KNOW THIS" Y/n explained as the robot adopted a rather sinister smirk. His grip tightening, fingers now ripping into the man's throat, blood and flesh coating his hand and the floor as he finally let go hearing Y/n's scream.

"Oh no darling... now now, calm down only a little blood... it's only murder if you humans kill a human... I'm no human baby... plus I did this for you... I did all of this for you baby... I told you I'm your man I can trust you, but all these men are trying to hurt you..." Riki said, a small cute pout on his lips as Y/n just fainted, her head hitting his chest. "There there, I've got you princess... Finally have you to myself..." He smiled, patting her cheek as he carried her home. This day, the demon brought hell to y/n...

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desertofsnowflakes · 3 years

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Incorrect Order Chapter 5 (Nessian AU)

A/N: Do inform me if you wanna be added/removed from the taglist! If you happen to find my storyline similar to another fic or one of yours, I'm extremely sorry, I might've just not known. All characters belong to the author Sarah J. Mass. Enjoy!

Summary: Don't first impressions always affect the way you see someone? Well, what more with the Nesta Archeron? Nesta meets Cassian at few unexpected places and to say it didn't go well was a major understatement. Certain circumstances make them become enemies to tolerable company to friends to lovers.

Trigger Warnings: Swearing, an angry Nesta and a heart-broken Cassian

2094 words | Incorrect Order Masterlist | Read on AO3

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Nesta had never been one for small talk but in his presence she spoke as if she was excellent in small talk. They spoke of all unimportant things and ended up forgetting the important stuff; their names. Again.

Feyre sent an invitation for her first anniversary party as she did for every other occasion. The only thing different was that Nesta never bothered to pay heed to her invitations before. After the day in the alley, however, she decided she was going to turn over a new leaf. This was her first step.

She checked her reflection on the side-mirror. She tried to keep her outfit and make-up as simple as possible. She only wore a white ruffled-sleeved blouse with a black pencil skirt. Her hair was braided into a coronet. She looked good, but not as good as she’ll look if she took her own time to do a detailed make-over. She let out a breath and braced herself for the inevitable little chat with her sisters.

“Nesta?” a bewildered voice breathed. She whirled around to face her younger sister, Elain, looking up at her, a small smile playing about her lips. “You’re here,” she said and flung her arms around Nesta. Nesta automatically wrapped her arms around Elain’s smaller frame. Eventually, Elain pulled back.

“No offense, but I really thought you wouldn’t be coming,” Elain said.

Nesta felt as if the smile on her face couldn't be wiped out for the next few hours. “Honestly, I didn't think I'd come either. But here I am.”

She nodded and pulled Nesta to the garden the party was held at.

“I did this,” Elain said. “This garden, I planted and groomed all this.”

“No wonder why it looks so beautiful,” Nesta replied.

She flushed and said contemplatively, “You're so different now, Nesta.”

“I hope in a good way. Where's Feyre?”

“Let's go meet everyone first.”

Nesta shook her head. “I— I need to talk to both of you before I meet everyone else. ”

Elain hesitated then said, “Can you wait in that room? I'll fetch Feyre and come.”

Nesta nodded and headed to the door at the end of the garden Elain pointed at. The room was classy, much like the exterior of the house. She was struck by the simple yet grand theme of Feyre's house. She knew he and his brothers were rich but she just didn't understand the extent of their wealth. Till now.

“What are you thinking?” Feyre wasn't the type to blindly trust people. It took more than coming for her anniversary to persuade her that Nesta's intentions were good.

Nesta faced Feyre, her youngest sister, who stood before her, gorgeous yet fierce in a simple but elegant blue gown. She shrugged, “Just thinking that I'm glad my sisters were well-provided when I couldn't take care of them.”

Feyre’s face didn’t change, she just gestured towards the couches. “Have a seat,” she said.

Nesta sat down, “You both look splendid,” she said. Feyre said that the gown was a gift, Elain thanked Nesta and offered the same.

Nesta cleared her throat. “I need to tell the both of you something. Many things, actually.”

Elain nodded encouragingly. Feyre said, “Go on.”

So Nesta spoke. She apologised. For how she wasn't there to fulfill the role of an elder sister. For how she failed to attend Feyre's marriage and many other occasions. For all the rude words she spoke to them. For shunning them. She apologised for being self consumed. For everything else.

She also promised. To try harder. To become better. To be a good sister and sister-in-law. To be with them at all times, especially when they needed her. And they listened.

“I know these words aren't enough, but I'll try to make it so,” she finished, her hands clasped with both her sisters on her sides.

“You said you'll try, Nesta. We will too,” Feyre said.

“I see a very bright future ahead of us,” Elain said.

Nesta couldn't help the tears anymore. She folded her arms around her sisters and tucked them close. Her sisters. Her beloved sisters she now knew she'd do anything to protect.

“I see a very bright future too,” Nesta said.

Nesta pulled back after what felt like an hour and looked at her sisters' tear-streaked faces.

“I love you,” the three of them said simultaneously. Nesta giggled. Elain laughed. Feyre stared.

Nesta gently brushed the tears from both of their cheeks. “I don't want to see any of you crying.”

She hugged them again, willing the hug to convey everything she didn't say out loud.

“Now, now, enough snuggling. We've got a party to attend and people to meet, remember?” Feyre said.

***

Cassian was anxious. He had always hoped Nesta, his sister-in-law, would come for the gatherings they had; be it family dinners, or birthday parties, or the random meetings they had when they just got tipsy and played games. He hadn't seen her face-to-face before. All he knows about Nesta are from the descriptions from Feyre and Elain. That, too, was minimal. One of them would quickly change the topic to something pleasant the moment traces of an emotional breakdown were visible. Every time he hoped, he was let down. She never came. He vowed he would stop hoping and instead just go about and act as if she didn't exist. But that never happened. Every time his family met, his treacherous heart would start hoping only to have a chunk of it fall off when she failed to attend. Today was no different.

Then there’s the woman who he’d been talking to the whole afternoon. He was a tangled up mess of emotions and doubt and confusion. He had been sort-of pining after Nesta. She was exactly the person he’d like. Apparently she was drop-dead gorgeous, witty and… feral. Feyre said that. Feral. She’d be someone worth seeing. She was totally a worthy opponent. It’d be fun. But the other woman? Mother above, she was ethereal. More than ethereal, in fact. Words can't contain what he had to say about her.

He was damn near killing Az for calling him right when they were about to exchange names. He really can't believe he was a hairsbreadth away from knowing her before it was all ripped away. Now they were back to square one. He didn't know anything about her.

Azriel clapped him on his back so hard that he almost stumbled and fell. Or probably that was because he was too distracted. “All good Somm?”

“Mmm-hmm,” he replied noncommittally. He busied his hands with re-rinsing the champagne flutes and wiping them clean again. He did this two times already. Still.

“Mood is sour today, Cass?” Az teased, mock-frowning.

“Nah,” Cassian said wryly, “it's as sweet as honeydew. Especially today, when my chat got interrupted.” He glared at Azriel.

“Now, now, that is a story for another day. For now though, I think I've got something that can cheer up your brooding self.”

“What is it?” he mumbled.

Az grinned. “Nesta is here.”

***

Feyre and Elain took Nesta on a quick tour around the house. Feyre’s paintings were hung on the walls throughout the whole house. Nesta grimly noticed that there wasn't a single picture of her. There were even paintings of their father whose heart had long stopped beating. But none of hers. If only she didn’t push herself away, Nesta would’ve been a happy part of her sisters’ lives.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. Feyre took her hand in hers. Elain tucked herself to Nesta’s side, wrapping her arms over her slender shoulders.

Nesta already met Mor, a stunning blonde woman, and Amren, a slightly intimidating and short person. Now she only had to meet her brother-in-laws.

“Let’s go meet the boys!” Elain said brightly.

We walked back to the garden. Feyre seemed to get more and more elated the closer we got to the garden. Huh. Probably falling in love would do that to someone. Anyway, as long as her sisters were happy.

They stepped through the doorway. The garden was decorated with more banners and streamers hung on the back of chairs and on the low branches. Again, it looked opulent in a simple way.

There were three men in the centre of the garden, gathered around a table. They all were slightly similar, broad shouldered, tapered waists, muscular limbs. Three of them wore formal shirts and pants clinging to their frames. The one in the middle was Rhysand, she supposed. She smirked internally. Of course Feyre ended up with this guy. She's got a good taste. Must've gotten it from the oldest sister.

The one on the right, though. His figure felt familiar. Very, very familiar. She couldn't quite put a finger on it yet.

“The one on the left is Azriel, the one on the right is Cassian,” Feyre said, and Nesta nodded.

The boys must be really engrossed with their conversation. They hadn't noticed the three of them yet.

The guy she thought was familiar threw his head back and laughed. She gasped. That laugh. She'd know the laugh anywhere. Indeed, when he angled his face so that she could get a glimpse, she knew she was done for. She swallowed with much difficulty.

“I need to go,” she said quickly.

“Go? But— but we haven't cut the cake yet. It's still early. We've got lots more fun stuff,” Elain said.

“You said you'll try, Nesta. Only, this doesn't feel like 'trying',” Feyre said.

They sounded… hurt.

Mother above, I'm doing this wrong.

“Nesta?” Elain asked. “Is something wrong?”

“Yeah,” Feyre added, “you look pale.”

“Y-yeah it's f-fine. Kinda. My head hurts,” she said, accidentally clutching her stomach. “I-I mean, yeah my head hurts. Very badly. I gotta go.” She looked helplessly at both of them. “I'm so sorry. I really am. It's just— I think I need rest. I'll recompense. Probably dinner in three days?” They both shared a look and agreed.

Nesta was already walking away. “Love you both,” she threw over her shoulder.

***

“Feyre!” Rhys called. He beckoned Feyre and Elain to the table. He didn't see Nesta.

Cassian lightly kissed Feyre on her cheek once they made their way to the table and said, “Gorgeous as always. Happy anniversary!”

Feyre grinned, but it showed traces of disappointment.

He frowned. “Hey, what's wrong?”

She just shook her head and mumbled, “Nesta.” Rhys's face hardened. His brother was never fond of Nesta. He said that she was why Feyre was always worried.

“Where's Nesta?” Az asked, craning his neck to see behind farther.

“She… left,” Elain pointed, revealing a figure disappearing behind the gates. A figure he knew all too well. Shitshitshitshit.

His head snapped back to his brothers. “That is Nesta?” he damn near shouted.

Rhys scowled, “Yeah.”

No wonder why she's so beautiful, he thought dumbly before running after her with a quick “I'll be back.”

***

Nesta was wrong. In all her happiness of being reunited with her sisters, she completely forgot how even a small thing can break one's smile. She felt like she couldn't breathe. She kept her calm demeanour, but inside, she was a raging storm of emotions.

One step in front of the other, she kept reminding herself.

She kept walking. Even when she heard footsteps. Even when the steps got louder. Even as he got close enough to cease running.

But not when he called her name. She halted. Locked up her emotions. She knew she shouldn't but she turned around anyway.

“What do you want?” she snapped.

“Nesta,” he breathed. She tried to hold back her shudder. It was from the night air, she told herself.

“If you have nothing to say, do let me know. I'm not going to wait forever,” she said. Harsher than she intended to. But she didn't care, at least, that's what she told herself.

Cassian winked, “I'm honored you came, sweetheart. I'll pass the credit to my influence on you. ”

She ground her teeth against the truth threatening to fall off her lips. Yes, I came here because you made me happy. And I thought that if I tried, as I did with you, I can rebuild my relationship with my sisters.

***

Cassian did something stupid. He grabbed her hand. Her eyes snapped to his, burning with anger. Like the day they first met.

He gave her a crooked grin that he knew would drive her mad. Well, more than she already was. He tilted his head to the garden, “The party is that way, love.”

She snatched back her hand at continued walking. Like a fool, he followed. “I spoke to my sisters. Told them I won't be staying tonight. And that we'll have dinner in three day's time. Does that satisfy you? Now, can you stop following me?”

“Something's wrong. What's wrong, Nes?”

“One,” she ground out, “don't call me that. Two, I'm a grown-ass woman; I know how to take care of myself. I don't need a babysitter.”

“You did. That day,” he said quietly.

She whirled on him, “Is this you taking back favours? Because I'm not interested. You want money? Take it. Tell me your price and fucking take it! Don't tread on my heels because you helped me, okay? I've got way better things to do.” She paused, “And don't follow me, Cassian.”

She turned and stalked away.

You want money? Take it. 'Take it.' As if he were a beggar, asking for alms. As if they weren't laughing at each other's jokes not more than an hour ago. As if he didn't spend a week taking care of her as if she were a part of his soul. Maybe she was.

But that was before, Cassian thought as his heart cleaved into two perfect halves. No— it smashed to a million tiny pieces.

He waited till Nesta was out of his line of sight. He turned and walked back to the garden, leaving his heart behind.

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pastelcourage · 6 years

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My (probably too personal) discovery of Asexuality

Hum... I shared this with an Ace Blog... but then I thought about it and decided I'll just post it on my own blog... it's not like I shared it anonymously and... nothing said I couldn't post it on my blog... plus they might not post it anyway... (its a little edited from what I shared with them but essentially the same) and I guess I'm just stalling...

“Asexuality is a neglected side of sexuality that I wish I’d known about when I was much MUCH younger.“

Anyway I want to share my experience... if that's okay...

WARNING: Mentions of sex, light mentions of masturbation and molestation

I was 26 when I first heard the term Asexual. I wish I’d heard it sooner… When I did find it though it was such a relief. I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t broken.

When I was growing up I loved the idea of falling in love. I saw the princes always was happiest after finding her prince. The happy always came at the end when everyone found their true love.

Not only that but there were messages everywhere about not wanting to die alone- about how pathetic one is if they can’t get a boyfriend/girlfriend. How incomplete life is without love.

I never thought about it too much beyond wanting to fall in love and wanting to have a family… I guess I should have known something was a little wired about me when my focus was on getting a good job so I could support "future family" and not on what kind of father would I want my kids to have…

I guess I figured I’d fall in love and that would sort itself out- because I figured the first part of finding love was falling. I didn’t know there was more to it than that… kids media gleefully skipped over any and all things regarding sexual attraction- and when I did watch more adult themed shows the concept flew over my head. It just looked like people found each other through some force of nature. That they kissed and they just new… (Might blame Back to the Future for that one…)

When I was in middle school I remember, while sitting in the library during lunch (as I spent most of my time during that period of my life) I was suddenly surrounded by a group of girls. “Who do you like?” One asked me. (She was a bully to me but contrarily often stood up for me when others would bully me… it was a strange thing) I blinked pulled from my book- I don’t remember which book- but I remember looking at the eager faces. Not really understanding why they were all there… now that I think about it I’m lucky they weren’t looking to pull one of the stunts of forced confessions or fake mutual attraction. My sister told me of how a group had told her that one of her crushes liked her and when she went to talk to him his response was not kind.

Whatever their intentions I answered honestly. “I don’t like anyone.”

“Lier.” Was my bully’s blunt response.

For some reason that really hurt. More than any of the teasing I got back then. It was the start of me questioning myself. Wondering what attraction meant… and why I wasn't… I ended up just naming someone random and they giggled and teased me before running off. I was flustered unsure of what had just happened.

Another incident I remember not too long after this was with my sister. She was super into The Backstreet Boys because her friends were into them… she had a huge poster and everything. One day she pulls down the poster and drags me over. “Who do you think is hotter?” She asks. I stared at the picture.

They were all guys and all dressed very similarly. By this time I’d ruminated on the incident in the library… because being an anxious child I worried about everything constantly. I had a good memory for conversations and events. I would run the days conversations over and over in my mind before I fell asleep agonizing over how embarrassing I was or how horrible I was.

So yes, I’d thought about that incident more than once. So as I looked over the poster I mentally told myself I just need to pick the guy I think is cutest. I got frustrated and my eyes fell on Nick. He was the only blond one. He stood out. I was about to point to him- because at this time I didn’t know any of their names- when my sister put her finger on him and said. “You can’t pick Nick though, I like him.”

I frowned. Well, that got rid of the easy choice. So I went with the guy with the gages in his ears because I thought they were cool looking. She told me his name was AJ. Honestly… I never could, no matter how many days I stared at that poster, I never could figure out who I thought was cuter.

I thought maybe there might be something wrong with me, but we had had those classes. The ones that talk about changes in your body and I’d remembered that in the video we’d watched that it said that as we grew older that our bodies would change and that our way’s of thinking of boys would change. “I’m just a late bloomer.” I thought. “I’ll like boys someday.”

I kept thinking this… and then I focused on school. “I’ll worry about boys when I graduate. I won't have time to think about boys when I need to study. I’ll have time after school.” I thought this as I started college. Telling myself I was being responsible. Telling myself that it was reasonable. My aunt bought me a box of condoms saying I'd need them in college and I ended up giving them to my younger brother…

In actuality, these thoughts of I’ll deal with boys after school was just me dodging the growing panic of “I’m older- my teen years are coming to an end and I’m still not finding anyone hot.”

I liked a few people aesthetically- but I always was attracted to the hairstyle or the clothes… I knew that I wasn’t attracted to the person… no matter how much I tried to force it.

I was able to play this “I’m being responsible card” for a while… but as I got deeper and deeper into my twenties I started to freak out more. I still wouldn’t admit to myself that I was freaking out… but I was. Women, even late bloomer’s, development, as far as I knew, stopped at pretty much age 22(and I was pushing that mark to the oldest I could rationalize even if I refused to do the research to verify it). I was not finding any boys attractive.

I hadn’t known about gay attraction until high school. My sister had some gay friends… I’d learned that one of my cousins identified as a lesbian… but my family overall was not very kind to the idea.

Now my mom was fine with it… I’ve never heard her say anything negative about such relationships. Helk, even my stepdad was awkwardly accepting of my sister's friends. My cousin's aunts and uncles on the other hand… not so much. That cousin I mentioned- other than having other struggles was often ridiculed for her love interest. (She was my favorite cousin growing up- and learning that about her did not change my opinion on that- even if I didn’t really know a lot about what it meant. Love was love.)

So I decided if guys don’t catch my interest… maybe girls might? I’ve never really looked. Much shyer on that side of things… and much more hesitantly I started to question whether or not I may be lesbian… I also just wondered if I just needed to experience sex first. This was what people my age did.

The only problem… I wasn’t really interested in doing it with anyone. Hell, I even started to wonder if maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t find anyone attractive but that maybe I just found everyone attractive. (Trust me… I probably would have had a much harder time focusing if this were the case) I felt like I needed to know someone if I wanted to try sex though.

Income the ex-boyfriend from High school. Now our story is crazy so I won't get into it… but I love him even now… I’m just very bad at showing it and I’m pretty sure he probably thinks I’m crazy now…

Why?

Well, he knew I was shy. He knew I was a bit adverse to sex… and he knew a few other things about me… that I may or may not touch on later. See… this was like our third or fourth time dating… I get a little confused with how to count the high school shenanigans… but I decided this time I was going to do my best to be a good girlfriend. I had developed an emotional attachment to him. It was the closest to an attraction I'd ever gotten.

So I did what I thought I was supposed to do. “We’re adults.” I thought, and I’d come to learn that marriage was just paper and stupidity so I wasn’t hung up on that like I was when I was a teen… so I thought "I need to have sex with him."

I forced myself. I probably gave him blue balls more than once… I was awful. I tried so hard, but I just could never actually get that far… The further we went the more I just closed off.

I was so upset- and I was also divided between him and school… and I think I was confusing him… So he broke up with me… and I just accepted it… I didn’t fight it… which I’ve played the scene over and over and I just wonder if I’d fought it… would he have… stayed with me?

I think he’s happy now with the girl he’s with now… though I haven’t really talked to him in years… and I haven’t even checked their social media…

I ruined one of my best friendships and the closest thing I’d ever had to a real relationship… because I was trying to fix myself…

I know now that I was just hurting myself. A relationship is about more than sex… I hear it’s got a lot to do with communication… I haven’t really had a relationship sense though so what do I know.

After we broke up I was in denial on a lot of fronts after that. In denial about how much it hurt that we didn’t work out. In denial about how I felt about all of it. Still trying to figure out what was wrong with me… until one day months later I found a post on Tumbler talking about Asexuality.

I immediately had a feeling of… whoa… this is me. I quickly started digging and learning everything I could about it. At the time there was a lot of hate going around on Tumblr about Asexuality not being apart of the LBGTQ community… about them not being oppressed. I didn’t know anything about any of it… so I had no say.

You’d think finding the community would have made me better… would have left me feeling like “Yes, I’ve found my people and I’ve learned to accept who I am now.”

No.

Yes, I felt this feeling of acceptance in me and this realization that maybe there wasn’t anything wrong with me… but then… I began to wonder if I really knew…

It was just a continuation of the same self-doubt and uncertainty I had from before. If only I actually had succeeded in sex maybe I’d actually know…

I read a lot learning about all sorts of sexuality's not just asexuality- that made me feel more confident about being asexual though. Even the fact that you don’t have to have sex to know… and freshly new to the title and still wanting a second opinion I turned to my dad. Because he knows a lot and I see him as fairly knowledgeable.

He’d never heard of Asexuality… so I tried to explain the little that I knew and he said. “Why don’t you just claim celibacy then?” I don’t know why but this statement really offended me…

“I just… It’s not about not having sex-“ I wasn’t able to explain anything… the conversation ended with me feeling frustrated and still uncertain…

I continued to read… I found some frustrating articles like one that did a study on rats saying that Asexuality was a sign of overpopulation… and basically saying its a sign of social sickness… This did not help me with how I still felt like I was broken... even if knowing I wasn’t alone was helping with that. Then there were common statements that sex will fix it. Continued arguments over whether or not Asexuals are oppressed. I don’t know if I’m qualified to say that it is or isn’t… but it sure is overlooked… which is a form of neglect.

If anything… From my experience, I think I can say without a doubt that sex has nothing to do with it at all. Even if I do reach a point where I am confirmable with sex it will never fix my attraction issue. I’m just not sexually attracted to others…

I liked to think if I found the right partner and sex was something they wanted that I would be able to provide it- even if I don’t personally enjoy it…(and yes I’ve tried masturbating- and even though it seems to release stress I’m not really a fan) Overall, I’ve come to the conclusion that I just might not like sex, and that’s okay.

Now… I came across a lot of “Who hurt you stories.” The counter-argument being no one had to hurt me to be this way… and honestly, that whole thing got to me too because… maybe it was because I was hurt…

When I was very young I was forcibly molested by a fellow student. I wondered a lot about whether this had anything to do with being asexual but the more I think about how I grew up and the lack of attraction and how hard I’ve tried to force it-- because that’s what’s expected of me-- because sex is supposed to be this great thing… the more I realize that it wouldn’t have mattered. With how much I wanted to run away and get married as a kid- with how many boys I kissed even after the whole ordeal with the jerk- I would have… if I could have…

I know I have a capacity to love. I love my family I love my friends… I am pretty sure I’m demiromantic and I’ve recently learned about cupioromantic and that might be a possibility as well… but it’s just… so disheartening to know that my childhood built up this dream that I just can’t follow… maybe… someday I’ll find someone who’s fine with just cuddling and maybe I’ll grow to be comfortable with being closer… but right now I just can’t help but wish I’d stumbled across Asexuality sooner. That I’d known it was a thing.

It’s such an invisible community… I was 26 before I found it… and I’m turning 29 this year, and I’m starting to accept it as apart of who I am. I’m still learning about what it means to be asexual, and how I mesh with others and what this means for dating…

So to sum up. Asexuality is a neglected side of sexuality that I wish I’d known about when I was much MUCH younger. Asexuality has nothing to do with sex itself. And I’m super glad that I’m not alone… I know this is kind of a blunt and very open story… but I felt like for this community… I haven’t seen anyone talk about the sex vs attraction in a way that clearly separated the two… and I thought… if I could share my experience… maybe… it might help another lost soul…

#asexuality #ace #asexual #personal #my experiance

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