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bayofwolves · 4 months

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The Return — King (rewritten)

you guys know about path of the heroes. (probably. it's the name of an original fourth spirit animals arc i'm writing.) but what you might not know is that another part of the project is to take the existing three arcs and rewrite them. not entirely, but tweaking and modifying for continuity's sake. there are some Pretty Big canonical divergences in path of the heroes (shane is alive, for one), and since my writing starts after canon has ended, i have some explaining to do. not to mention there being some plot points in canon that i am simply not a fan of.

this may take ages, and the new arc takes priority, but that's okay. since the original course of events stays mostly the same, i can easily just do rewrites of pivotal chapters for now.

such as this one.

i completed this a while back in the summer. i guess i just never posted it, despite being so proud! this is the last chapter of the return, where we get the long-awaited reveal of who the mysterious redcloak is. personally, i wish that the author had given this chapter to abeke instead of rollan. i needed to see what was going on in her head! that was really what motivated me to redo this one.

this sets things up for the next development of abeke and shane's relationship. in the brief timeskip between the return and the burning tide, the two inadvertently end up in the same vicinity, leading to some talks and growth in their relationship. they're healing. abeke hasn't forgiven him yet, but she's noticing more and more how he's changed for the better. i noticed that abeke's attitude towards shane changes between those two books -- she seems to think better of him in the burning tide. something had to have happened. so i took it upon myself to find out what :)

but that's getting ahead of myself. for now, here's the rewritten final chapter of the return!

content warning for themes of suicidal ideation and dissociation.

quick notes:

the title of this chapter has been changed from 'redcloaks' to 'king'.

anda is with abeke, rollan and tasha! he has been given a much bigger role in this arc. he and tellun, who has not been infected for the time being, were left at greenhaven while abeke and rollan journeyed to stetriol. however, zerif's conquest of the castle forced anda to flee. he narrowly escaped and tellun led him to the evertree, where they found lenori. she believed they would be safest with his old friends, as there were no more greencloaks to protect them; thus, the boy and elk started out for nilo and were reunited with abeke, rollan and their new charge, tasha. anda and tellun were therefore present throughout the events of the return and the burning tide.

tasha calls shane cousin. why? they are indeed paternal cousins! king irwyn had another brother and tasha is said brother's only child. thus, with drina deceased, shane mia and gar leaving no children, tasha is effectively lined up for shane's throne. (abeke and rollan can add kidnapping a royal person to their list of accomplishments.) there's a lot more to this but i'll go into it some other time.

this will go through some more edits before being fully published as part of path of the heroes' lore! i have some more cleanup to do.

okay enough preamble. read it under the cut!

Spirit Animals: Fall of the Beasts

Book 3: The Return

Chapter X — King

.𖥔 ݁ ˖☾𖤓☽.𖥔 ݁ ˖

The chill wind that rose from the sea seeped into Abeke's bones. She shivered and pulled her cloak more tightly around her shoulders, but made no move to leave her spot at the ship's rail. Her gaze, fixated on the fading shape of Zourtzi in the distance, remained unbroken.

She felt hollow. She had no desire to move, to speak, even to think. She doubted she'd be able to if she tried. It took all that remained of her willpower to draw in shallow breath after shallow breath. All the life had been drained out of her, the very moment Zerif's black spiral had begun to pulse on Uraza's brow. So there she stood, watching the conquered fortress grow smaller.

Perhaps the tears would come later. So far, she didn't have it in her to cry.

The absence of Uraza was like a wound, the ugliest wound she'd ever been dealt, throbbing with every dismal beat of her heart.

She was so lost.

So alone.

Abeke brought shaking hands up to her eyes and pushed until she saw stars. She willed her heart to simply stop. What life was worth living without her spirit animal?

Soft footsteps sounded behind her. Abeke didn't need to swivel around to tell that it was Rollan. She knew his footfalls, his voice, his face, better than she knew her own.

She didn't turn as her friend walked over to her, his steps measured and unsure. It was unlike him to move so carefully around her, Abeke thought. She could feel the pity radiating from him without even seeing his face. It all made Abeke want to jump over the side of the ship.

Rollan made no sound when he reached her side, only wrapped an arm around her shoulder. At the contact, a little warmth bloomed through Abeke's body. It almost brought tears to her eyes.

"How are you doing?" Rollan spoke. Concern was etched into the familiar curves of his face. Abeke wanted to lose herself there, in the steadying weight of his brown eyes, but she couldn't hold his gaze. She glanced away.

"Empty." The sun-tipped waves of the sea rolled below them. Abeke found strange solace in their neverending flow. "Lost. Alone." Her voice didn't sound like her own. It was as if someone else was commanding her body, as the real Abeke hovered above and watched everything play out. Like a ghost.

Rollan was silent for a moment, before he spun her towards him and pulled her into a tight hug. Abeke let herself be pulled and positioned in his arms, like a doll. But as the hug stretched out, she felt the cold sheet that covered her heart begin to melt away.

"You're not alone," Rollan mumbled into her neck. Abeke dropped her head to his shoulder and hugged him back with all the strength she had left.

When they finally pulled back, Rollan's eyes were wet. Abeke's own throat had started to close, so much so that she didn't trust herself with words. She returned to leaning over the rail, but this time, her arm brushed Rollan's.

"She was there, and then in the space of a heartbeat, she was gone," Abeke recounted. She lifted her eyes to the smoke rising from Zourtzi – the last place she had seen Uraza. "She looked at me like I was a stranger. It was as if our bond had never existed." Abeke forced herself to keep her eyes on the horizon. She knew that as soon as she closed them, she'd see nothing but the moment Uraza leaped for her throat, replaying over and over.

"We'll get her back," Rollan said fiercely. "I promise."

Turning her head, Abeke regarded her friend through a film of tears. The love and worry in his expression was almost overwhelming.

Abeke sniffed and swiped at her face before the tears could fall. She didn't know how to respond – couldn't – but Rollan seemed to understand, like he always did. They stood side by side in the silence Abeke needed.

Awkward footfalls met her ears not long after, and Abeke felt Rollan turn through their connected arms. "Hey," came Tasha's voice. Her pale hair and green cloak came into Abeke's peripheral vision as the smaller girl stopped at her other side.

"How's Kirat?" Rollan asked softly over Abeke's head.

"Fine," Tasha murmured back. "Anda's tending to him." The exchange fizzled out, and Abeke soon felt the weight of both her friends' gazes.

Abeke blinked down at Tasha's hand, covering her own on the rail. When had that gotten there? "Abeke," the Stetriolan girl was saying. Unlike Rollan, who was always in sharp focus, her voice seemed to come from a long way off. "We're here for you."

Abeke pulled her head to the side. It was all too much.

A third set of footfalls sounded on the deck behind the three. Two short steps, strong and curt.

Curiosity compelled Abeke to look. As one, the three Greencloaks turned to take in the newcomer.

It was the Redcloak.

Abeke's eyes flicked over his sweeping scarlet cloak, his black leathers, the smooth wood of his mask. She had seen plenty of Redcloaks, even on this ship, but only one wore a mask so strange. Only one of them had no face.

Some of the fog that had settled over her body since Uraza was taken seemed to lift. Who really was this mysterious warrior that had saved them time and time again?

Something deep in her heart told her she already knew.

"Is everyone in your party all right?" the Redcloak asked. His voice was deep and raspy, almost reptilian in quality. Abeke tried to compare it to the voice she remembered from her past, the voice that still sometimes spoke in her dreams, but recognized nothing.

She realized after a moment that his gaze hadn't strayed from her.

"We'll survive," Rollan said for all of them. Abeke glanced to either side of her, noticing the wariness in Rollan's face and the way Tasha nervously clung to her wrist. "Now, how about explaining what's going on here? I think it's about time for some answers."

The Redcloak tipped his head to one side as he considered Rollan, his oddly pale eyes glinting under his mask. "Soon," he said simply. "Be patient. We're taking you somewhere safe."

"Yeah, and where is that?" Rollan countered, bitterness lacing his words. "If you haven't noticed, nowhere is safe anymore. Zerif can get to us anywhere. In Zourtzi, in Stetriol and even at Greenhaven."

Tasha drooped beside her. A distant part of Abeke wanted to comfort her, but what comfort could she give?

Strangely, the Redcloak seemed to droop as well. "So the rumours are true," he said with a sigh. "Greenhaven has fallen as well."

There was something so intrinsically familiar about his stance, his speech, his whole bearing. Abeke had mulled this over for many nights, but now, with him standing a mere ten feet away, she felt everything in her threaten to spill out. Her heart ached, and she had the strangest urge to reach for him. Could it really be him? After so long?

The masked figure stared out to sea for a brief moment. "You should rest. There are more battles to come."

Then he turned and made to stride away. With her heart in her throat, Abeke pushed away from her friends and staggered forward. "Wait," she called hoarsely. "At least tell us your name."

The Redcloak turned around and fixed Abeke with his uncanny eyes.

"You've saved our lives again and again." The pounding of her heart was deafening. She could barely hear herself over it. She stepped forward again, then gripped onto Rollan's shoulder for support; he had hurried to her side. "Tell us who you are," she repeated, "so that we might thank you properly."

The Redcloak hesitated. "I'm called King," he said at last. Was it her imagination, or had his posture softened a touch? "I am the leader of the Redcloaks."

King. A hush fell over Abeke's mind. King.

As he watched her with wide eyes, Abeke heard Tasha speak from behind her. "Thank you," she said quietly. "We are forever in your debt."

King only spared a glance to acknowledge her. He tilted his chin again, then moved to walk away once more.

Abeke watched as he stopped still, his back to them. She watched him slowly turn back around. And with her heart thundering in her ears, she watched him fix his eyes on her.

His next words came soft, low. "I used to be known by another name."

Not of her own volition, Abeke found herself shaking her head from side to side. No. No.

The Redcloak drew back his hood, revealing light blond hair. Then he reached behind his head and unfastened his mask. "You knew me as Shane."

The mask fell away.

Abeke couldn't breathe. Couldn't move. She didn't react to Rollan's gasp of shock and Tasha's startled cry of "Cousin?" Her surroundings melted into waxy darkness. All she saw before her was Shane.

Though it was unmistakably him, the boy she used to know was barely recognizable. His normally tanned skin was pale, like he hadn't seen the sun in months. Knobbly green ridges had replaced his eyebrows, giving him a fearsome, monstrous look. Worst of all were his eyes. Gone was the keen blue stare that Abeke remembered so well. Instead, she was met with glowing, reptilian yellow-green. They were twice as large as they should have been, and bordered by pebbled scales. Slitted pupils stood out at their centres, holding her captive. A shudder of revulsion rolled over her.

"What happened to you?" Rollan's voice came in a horrified whisper.

Abeke hardly registered the words. Her breathing was coming in ragged gasps, and she felt the prickle of sweat all over her body. Her hands were already slick with it. She clenched them into tight fists, ignoring the way they trembled.

Of course.

It was him all along.

He and his Redcloaks had fought for them in their every hour of need – but now they were at their mercy. They were still in the dark about their motives, and now they were surrounded by them. Abeke's heart seized with panic. Her thoughts flew to Tasha, Shane's rival for the throne, and Anda and Kirat, belowdecks with the rest of the Redcloaks. Would they be safe with Shane? What if his only reason for helping them was a twisted desire to collect the newly reborn Great Beasts for himself?

The memory of the mysterious red-cloaked figure coming to her defense in Amaya sprang into her mind. He had saved her life from Arax. In Zourtzi, too, he had protected her from Zerif. Was it possible he still cared for her?

Abeke swiftly banished those thoughts from her mind. Shane was the enemy. He would always be the enemy. And this reveal was proof he would never stop lying.

I'm called King. Abeke shook with barely repressed tension as she remembered his words. An image of Shane with the Devourer's crown atop his head and a wicked smile on his face flashed through her memory. I am the leader of the Redcloaks. She saw him at the head of the Conqueror army at Muttering Rock, almost obscured by their black masses, seated astride his giant crocodile. How did she not see it before? How could she be so foolish?

She knew who the Redcloaks were.

They were enemies.

Shane's eerie eyes bored into her. Abeke recognized them now as crocodilian. How could she believe, even for a moment, that he might have wanted to change for the better? The symbol of his betrayal was branded over his once-handsome face.

But Shane wasn't the only one who was different now.

Abeke was done taking chances.

And she had nothing more to lose.

Whipping the bow off her back in one swift motion, Abeke brought an arrow to the string and pointed it straight at her former friend's heart.

The world came back into startling clarity the moment she did so. She heard a scream from Tasha, heard Rollan grab the girl’s wrist to hold her at bay. Abeke kept her eyes locked with Shane's. Was it the rocking of the ship that was causing her aim to waver?

"I had hoped it wasn't you," she rasped. "I had hoped you weren't tricking me again."

Shane was silent, slowly bringing his clawed hands up.

"Abeke, he just saved our lives," Tasha said urgently. "Maybe we should –"

Abeke stared at her in blind fury. "Do you know the last time Shane saved my life?" she snapped. "He used it as a way to sneak into Greenhaven and betray us. He used me. I was nothing but a tool to him." Tasha flinched in the face of her anger and shrank a step back. Guilt flickered through Abeke, but she had no time to apologize. Resolutely, she turned her attention back to Shane and tightened her hand around her bow. "It'll be no different now."

"That's not true," Shane protested, with such force behind his words that it surprised her. "You were never a tool to me." His raised hands lowered and spread in a pleading gesture. "Much has changed since we last spoke openly… as I'm sure is obvious. Everything I've done with this mask, this cloak, this name, was not to deceive you, but to start anew and atone for my mistakes."

Abeke tilted her head to the side, steeling herself. She wouldn't let Shane's honeyed words ensnare her again. She was past this. She was stronger than this.

Her sweaty hands were making it hard to keep a firm grip on her bow. Could she shoot him, here and now? Did she have it in her?

With every passing second, she was less and less sure.

Behind her, she heard the worried voices of Rollan and Tasha. They were calling her name, trying to summon her out of her trance. It reminded her painfully of the last time she'd confronted Shane – the duel they'd fought in front of Kovo's empty prison. That time, too, she hadn't been able to finish him off. Something almost like instinct wouldn't allow her to.

She felt it now, some deep force within her, causing her arrowhead to tremble as she looked into the haunting face of her former friend. She let out a short scream, hoping to dispel some of her rage and pain. Sudden tears obscured her vision. "Give me one good reason why I should trust you," she challenged. Her voice came out raw and broken.

Shane stared at her for a long moment, and though it was impossible to read any emotion in those slitted eyes, Abeke thought she sensed immense sadness from him. "Let me speak plainly. The end is near."

Abeke gave a wry, husky laugh. Indeed, Erdas must be in her final days for the two of them to reforge an alliance.

"I know this is difficult, but I need you to trust me. To trust us," the boy said gravely. "There's something you need to see. It may be the key to saving Erdas, and perhaps the key to saving Uraza as well."

Abeke's eyes widened in shock. Hesitantly, she lowered her bow a few inches.

Shane wanted to help Uraza?

His slitted yellow-green eyes tracked her movement, unreadable, before they returned to hers. Something almost like hope lit his face. "Give me this chance, and I promise you, I won't let you down."

Abeke considered him for a long moment. Once, Shane had been a friend to her, a steady comfort even across opposite sides of the war. He had traded that all away for victory, using her as a pawn in his schemes before tossing her aside. He had made promises, and he had broken them. But now he stood before her, after saving her and her friends so many times, with a vow to save her spirit animal as well. Abeke looked at his changed appearance and felt horror. But now, she wondered if a better change was brimming below the surface.

Her bow fell to her side as the fight suddenly went out of her. She stared blankly at it for a moment, then took the arrow from the string and slipped it back into her quiver. She had thought about shooting it across the waves to release some of her tension, but decided against it. No need to waste an arrow. After all, she thought, turning dark eyes up at Shane, there are more battles to come.

She would place her trust in him for now. But for the sake of her friends, for Rollan, for the children they were tasked with protecting, she would be on her guard.

Slinging her bow over one shoulder, Abeke glanced over to Rollan and Tasha. Rollan, who knew her so well, must have read something in her hollow gaze that she herself was oblivious to. He was at her side in a heartbeat, touching her hand with his. Tasha followed in his wake, fitting herself against Abeke's other side with more uncertainty. Abeke slipped her arm around the other girl, surrendering the worst of her pain and anger to the ocean wind. Surrounded by the best things she had left in her life, she could breathe.

Abeke looked down at her friends, giving a weighty nod. Tasha returned it, then Rollan. They were with her. They would face this together. The thought renewed her strength.

With a deep breath, Abeke locked determined eyes with Shane. "Where to?" she asked.

Shane took a step forward and looked out across the water. "We sail for the Place of Desolation."

#hope you enjoyed :)#text #long post #spirit animals #spirit animals books #spirit animals series #spirit animals rewrite #path of the heroes #abeke #shane #rollan #tasha #shaneke

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thebirdarts · 7 months

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The Death of Family

blood stains, innocent blood stains harder. The blood of those you love stains forever. For prompt 6 of @owlcatober , family [click for better quality and notes are under the cut]

this did not happen but also this is what actually happened, the true version of events, not whatever cold and callous series of events actually took place in the mansion on that night.

this is the metaphorical representation of what happened.

her best friend dying in her arms, white dress getting stained by the blood. fingers intertwined the same way as when they practiced dancing. she dies with a smile on her lips and muras eyes are heavy with grief, taking in every detail as the blood pours out from the gash marring her friends beauty. something in her shatters at the same time as the woman in her arms heart stops beating. something shatters so badly that all is left is glass dust, impossible to put back together. in the warped light the blood looks pink and the shadows on her dress seem akin to the bloodstains on her friends. the only thing unstained, the last gift, a wreath of pure white flowers.

What is left after you kill the only person you let in your heart, other than to become a monster.

so this is entirely for the symbolism. mura wouldnt have her classic hairstyle yet [hell i didnt colour in hair or eyes because muras current ones are dyes/changed] and they both would be younger and given shes using gonna use the body to set up someone she would not have time for a melodramatic finger-entwined kinda embrace.

but the drama!!!!

the parallels to the pieta are intentional [but hey what dead body cradled in someones arms cant be related to it]

her friend is the sacrificial lamb for muras permanent decent into villainy. with her friend gone she has no reason to care for others beyond her own survival.

in many ways this moment is more important that mura overtaking her father, this moment seals her on her trajectory. in many ways this froze mura in time, and planted the largest crack in the wall of her image of her fathers excellence.

ive mentioned it before but the only way for mura to be happy and anywhere near normal, would be someone interfering before this point. as soon as her friends heart stopped beating shes locked in her path and beliefs.

it has a roundabout connection to the prompt, it damages her relationship with her father, and also regardless of the label, her kinship with her freind is a powerfull bond, and their extend lifetimes meaning that the growth they shared was not over years but decades, makes her so important to mura, and in some ways family.

an alternate title would be 'death of innocence' or rather the death of muras last shred of compassion and love.

the two fracture points are mura and her friends hearts. i will use the shattered glass motif till i overuse it.

also yes the braid around muras bun thing in the future is a replacement for the wreath of flowers her friend gave her. heartless my ass. for somone who wants nothing more than to forget what happened she sure doesnt let herself forget.

anyway! girlbesties!!! dont we all kill each other and parts of ourself just for the approval of greater forces!!! betray and scar each other in ways that will last forever!!! whats a friend but a sacrifice waiting to happen!!

notes on the piece over, this is now a personal update:

so this was delayed cause i overexerted myself, unfortunately this means my weekend to relax and do some more prompts is now spent testing the limits of how many painkillers i can take. im mostly annoyed, but hey! still have plenty of jojos to watch /read, and ds9 & the expanse are up next on my watch-list so its fine that i cant move any muscle connected to my shoulders without crying in pain! please ignore the pile of corsework i have to do!

this isnt at a level of quality that i would like it to be, but i am happy with it. no artist ever is fully satisfied with their work, its just this time there is a larger distance than normal.

these notes have been long! thank you for reading so far! i hope your weekend is going well!

#thebirdarts #mura hagdaughter #owlcatober 2023 #warning: this work includes copious amounts of projecting and unprocessed feelings. proceed with caution #hashtag girlbesties #friends that die together. haunt forever #but no this is the key point for mura and is what locks her into her path #one day i will write it because muras internal justifications are just so tragic and messed up #she gets SO close to breaking through #but no.#wotr

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nattyontherun · 1 month

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More On To Oblivion:

hi-ho, can't sleep so since i've posted the fic already, short as it is right now, i thought hey! lemme just do some explaining for why the fuck it's the way it is?? that way i make my job less hard with the writer-y bits!

(i can't sleep so i'm talking,,,, shhh i didn't say that)

On the Rating:

thinking of changing that, actually . next chapter, so ch3, will be more of the same - build up for the plot at large which is, ngl, a wee bit more complicated than i thought it would be in writing ch1. i don't have a hard and fast, bullet pointed skeleton for every chapter but i've got a very generalized outline of things i want happening... and the fic being rated for Teens feels lacking. no it absolutely is lacking.

would it be disingenuous to leave it at T until the plot changes up enough to warrant a level up? or should i change the rating now and leave everyone to wonder at my justification as the fic (very slowly, UGH) progresses? questions, questions and no answers in sight as yet.

the cast!

unlike in HF where we really did just have like, two MAIN main characters in shisui and sasuke, to oblivion has an ensemble cast🙏 the taggings are listed in order of both how much of the character we'll see in-fic and how much we'll focus on them. where HF was all about growth and healing with minimal outside interference, this fic is... well it has a plot🥹

in one of those oneshots i wrote after HF, there's this scene where shisui rants up a storm at sasuke about konoha, how rotten it can get yk? just, having to live in the village knowing that the truth of your family's murder has been suppressed to keep the peace - when the "peace" used to justify that extermination didn't even last more than a handful of years. this fic directly confronts that. actually, it's specifically because every single character engages in the village whether as the leader, in kks' case, or as proponents to its growth and success post-war, its kind of a necessity that everybody has an opinion about what goes on yk?

i feel like ppl who came into the fic expecting romance and fucking are gonna be disappointed by that sjshsjshshsh there's gonna be SOME of that, but very minimally, and right at the end lmao. fic subscribes to the idea that there is no room for personal growth within self and relationships in an environment in perpetual turmoil lmao

the polycule 💃

it's still happened lmaooooo, like i just get crazier about the idea the more i sit with it! though, i forgot to say in the AN, and i'm too much of a sleepy cat to go back and edit it in, but i meant to mention that kakashisasu(???!!!ship name???!!!) isn't gonna be like a right angle. like... the dots connect in all directions despite how things are playing out rn! 🙏

i will say, however, that development for each relationship on a personal, one on one level, is different between each pairing because yk, they enter the story in different stages of their lives with different agendas and opinions abt each other. kkss are halfway in love already, but kkshs probably need to fight it out for another several dozen chapters before they can even stand to look each other in the eye without wanting to kill smth and that's not even touching shsasu who haven't!! even!! met up yet!!! (gawd what did i get myself into?? lmao😭)

the timeline

woof. the timeline! WOOF! HF had the benefit of sticking incredibly close to just one stream of happenings in a very linear format,,,, to oblivion? not so much. the past, whether it's ten years ago, during the fourth war or even just prior to the fic happening is AS important to the story as the story itself, unfolding. if i decided to tell this fic in a linear fashion, a, it would be very boring and retrace too much of canon and b, it would be very LONG. like staggeringly long, enough that i'd probably tire of writing the fic long before i even reached where we are right now in the fic - there is SO MUCH yet to uncover

what i will say is that canon largely stays the same except for some staple fanons of mine, some seen in HF, and others very specifically for this AU. for the obvs staples, there's madara is final baddie and no VOTE2 so no losing arms for either of my babies - god forbid. the major deviation from HF is that i've reduced how debilitating Ssk's mental health issues (if you will) can be in presenting themselves, though we do have some of it cropping up within the fic if you're the type who reads very line by line. there's also, ofc, the fact that shisui has been ALIVE for all this time - but i'll save all the explaining for that to shisui when the time is appropriate.

but yes, it's because the past matters SO MUCH for how this fic develops that i really saw no other way to progress with it than mixing everything up. and i do mean EVERYTHING. what i will say is that there are certain periods where we can kinda cluster scenes together to form an idea of how all this shit is happening only Now.

war/between canon era: so far we only got one scene from here, from ch2

pre-tribunal, post-war - a LOT of scenes fall here, so it's broken up even further into two periods: 1. while sasuke is incarcerated post 4th war and 2. after he's left incarceration but before the tribunal (ch1 has a LOT of afterward scenes, in particular)

pre-massacre: these scenes will tend to be more kkshs focused so happy hunting for when there's more of them!

pre-trial, present day after shisui appears: this is the main storyline and will be the easiest to follow, go figure!

pre-trial, immediately post-tribunal: i've only written perhaps a scene or two(?) from this period, i don't see it cropping up as much as the others because it's only there specifically for relationship and character building. i'm squeezing a lot of post-canon pre-fic character development in to explain away why some of our faves may be acting a wee ooc, and i can't begin to explain how consequential the tribunal is, personally and politically for all of team seven oh lawd😭

i can't stress enough that i drafted much of the bedrock of this fic immediately after HF,,,, but while my intention (heh, hehe) (translate what the characters before "to oblivion" stand for, okay, its funny i swear!) remains the same as what it was then, my focus has become more... hm, exacting. sharpened.

writing is an inherently personal affair, i think. to write is to put meaning to the thoughts that swim around your head, whether that's by poetry or prose, through the guise of imagery or character work. i write fic because i like writing fic, and wanna be able to read work that satisfies me personally. i've got an itch in my brain and to oblivion has become, essentially, an outlet for my thought process. so if there's anything you find in it that speaks of a very particular kinda way of thinking, shall we say, keep poking at it. i very much am having a conversation with you.

and that's a wrap, i have a shift in seven hours and i desperately need sleep sjsjsshhsshsh

#fanfic #ao3 fanfic #hearthfire verse #to oblivion #uchiha sasuke #hatake kakashi #uchiha shisui #uzumaki naruto #and everyone else i tagged in fic that i can't quite remember rn #meta about fic?#fic-splanation!#i just wanted to write smth up okay #thinking thots means more gets wrote #this fic has nuance #and tries for anarchy #will i succeed in my agenda of making everybody cry?#more than likely!#you did not just read that mwa mwa #or did you?

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eglectic · 1 year

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December 31 — Celebrating the Wins

Current weight: 193.2

What I ate today:

Cold brew

Big ass pan of veggies & shrimp; about 4.5 oz of macadamia nuts

Cold brew

2 baked ham & cheese sliders, 1 smoked wing, 1 banana muffin, 1 meatball

I wasn’t going to eat at the NYE party, but my friends cooked all this food and honestly when people put a lot of effort into preparing food I like to at least try it. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Actually I should have asked to take some home! I hate when I cook for people and no one even tries it. If it had been like store bought stuff I wouldn’t have eaten it.

Anywayyyy I’m not at my goal yet, but I’m staying committed until I reach it. And I want to celebrate some wins I got just from setting it! Also health related wins from this year.

I’m on average 10 pounds lighter than I was a year ago.

I spent a month weighing 185 consistently.

I proved to myself I can lose weight with or without exercise.

I got comfortable with hunger and became a lot more patient.

I got MORE committed and consistent as time went on.

I never gave up.

I learned to be kinder and more compassionate to myself. Biggest growth period for this was right after I got out of the hospital. I was looking in the mirror and bullying the shit out of myself about being broken, old, and defective. I was so cruel to me when all I needed was tenderness. I’m glad I learned to be gentler.

I prove to myself that I can survive in a new city, where I hardly know anyone, while sick, with little money and nowhere to go after the hospital.

I had to rely on the kindness of strangers and friends and actually found grace and help on the other side.

I was resourceful and had my own back even while walking around with a tube in my stomach for months.

I persisted in dealing with the mega-bureaucracy of the medical system and got surgery for myself even though I had to travel 90 miles each time I needed a test or procedure or had complications.

I took care of and celebrated my body even while under extreme physical stress and prolonged physical discomfort.

I actually took advantage of my health and physical abilities once I recovered from surgery and have been exercising, eating well, dancing, paddling, and hitting my bucket list items.

I quit smoking weed in pursuit of my weight loss goal and discovered so many rewarding byproducts.

I became soooo much more conscious of how my brain functions and I use it so much more effectively now.

I watched all the overeating masterclass videos and annotated them. I watched all the overeating workshop videos.

I got coached again and again about my relationship with food, my body, and overeating.

I changed my relationship with desserts.

I allowed soooo many urges to eat and overeat.

I learned that I can eat healthy even when I never cook or don’t have regular access to a kitchen.

I proved to myself that I can lose weight while on vacation/traveling (like when I went to Chicago). I don’t have to overeat even if I don’t know what will be served.

Ok that’s all I can think of for now! But it would be a fun exercise to try to come up with like a hundred things. I think if I did it for my other wins of the year I easily could. And now I will later this week in my personal journal! I’m talking fun wins like going on a jet ski for the first time, paddle boarding, kayaking in the keys, key west, etc. and also I will list relationship and financial/career wins.

Oh and here are some gym photos. I figured it’ll be nice to reference later as a checkpoint. By the way I pretty much never suck my stomach in in photos, so I thought I’d do relaxed but also with my stomach sucked in! Idk, why not lol

It’ll be interesting to me personally later. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Anyway I’m SO excited for the year ahead! Thanks for being here! See ya in the next post!

#170 #me #fitness #fitness journey #weight loss #food journal #food diary #gym selfie #selfie #happy new year

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chetsetradio · 4 months

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My Impossible List

My name is Chester, and I'm sure you've seen this list of things before. Something about it being different from a bucket list (and it is different than a bucket list) -- look, I got my inspiration from Thomas Frank, who got the inspiration from Joel Runyon.

In my own words, the impossible list is a continuous list that inspires growth and documents strides in personal development. A helpful tool that can aide in motivation. Not a set and forget, but a thoughtful pondering, organized list, and an updating system, where you log when you've achieved something and what you're going to do next. Like most people, I've set my list up with different categories.

Current Focuses:

Honestly, getting my life together. I've been slacking in health overall, and I need to start taking care of myself both physical and mental health-wise. Trying to hyper focus on learning new skills, mindfulness, and fitness/health.

Last 5 Completed Goals:

*crickets* Well of course there's going to be crickets right now, this list has just come to fruition. I will update with my most recent goals as I complete them!

LIFE GOALS

-> Own a home in my hometown -> Own a place somewhere else, too -> Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms in remission -> Create and maintain a healthy relationship with a significant other -> Make enough money through passionate endeavors (video games, YouTube, writing) that I only have to "work" work part-time -> Become a published author -> Pay off my debt -> 30k Student Loans -> 15k Car -> 9k Credit Cards -> Learn about stocks and investments -> invest money

PROFESSIONAL GOALS

WORK

-> Stay at the library for as long as possible (5yrs pension starts, 10yrs student loans are forgiven, 15yrs max vacation time) -> Earn blue in 2 categories in yearly review -> Earn blue in majority of categories in yearly review -> Earn blue overall in yearly review

YOUTUBE CHETSETRADIO

-> Set up channel -> Upload 5 10 25 50 videos -> Gain 10 25 75 100 250 subscribers

CHETTERBOX TALKS

-> Set up channel -> Upload 5 10 25 50 videos -> Gain 10 25 75 100 250 subscribers

OTHER

-> create and publish a video game

FITNESS & HEALTH GOALS

-> Lose 100lbs -> Walk to work 3 days a week for 1 month 6 months 1 year -> Work out everyday for 1 month 6 months 1 year -> No take out for a month straight -> Learn how to cook -> Add more fruits and vegetables to my everyday diet -> Walk 5 miles -> Run a mile -> Run a mile in less than 9 minutes -> Participate in some sort of race (run?) -> Swim 500 free with no problem -> No soda for 1 month

CREATIVE GOALS

-> Fill up a sketchbook with art that I'm proud of -> Release an EP -> Participate in NaNoWriMo 2024 -> Self publish a novel -> Traditionally publish a novel -> Re-learn how to play the Alto Saxophone -> Learn how to play the Trumpet -> Learn how to play the Cello -> Learn how to play the Flute -> Learn how to play the French Horn -> Learn how to crochet -> Follow a short story writing prompt daily for 1 month

SKILLS & EDUCATIONAL GOALS

-> Learn how to code -> Make my own website -> Program my own video game -> Learn Music Theory -> Beginner Intermediate Advanced -> Learn Logic Pro -> Beginner Intermediate Advanced -> Learn Japanese -> Beginner Intermediate Advanced -> Learn German -> Beginner Intermediate Advanced -> Learn Korean -> Beginner Intermediate Advanced -> Learn ASL -> Beginner Intermediate Advanced -> Go back to school for my Master's -> Learn fractions, pre-algebra, and algebra

HABIT GOALS

-> Do my morning routine for 1 month 6 months 1 year -> Do my nighttime routine for 1 month 6 months 1 year -> Walk Pancake once a day for 1 month 6 months 1 year -> Meditate once a day for 1 month 6 months 1 year -> Journal daily for 1 month 6 months 1 year

TRAVEL GOALS

-> Visit every state in the US ( 3/50 ) -> Visit every state park in the US -> Camp in a different state -> Visit Greece -> Visit Japan -> Visit Korea -> Visit the UK -> Visit Ireland -> Visit Finland -> Ride a bullet train -> See the Hollywood sign up close in person -> Visit Stephen King's hometown ( Portland, Maine )

VIDEO GAME GOALS

STEAM

-> Perfect achievo 5 10 15 25 40 games -> All achievements in Hades -> All achievements in Slime Rancher

PLAYSTATION

-> Platinum 5 10 25 50 games

XBOX

-> Perfect achievo 5 10 25 50 games

NINTENDO

-> Finish Pokémon Sword -> Finish Pokémon Arceus -> All moons Super Mario Odyssey

GOAL INSANITY

-> Sky dive -> Bungee jump -> Meet a celebrity I like IRL -> Go to five different amusement parks -> Get a PHD -> Teach a class at a University -> Forever a student (so many degrees) -> Earn enough money to retire early

#self improvement #ftm #impossible list #trans man #life goals #habits #habit tracker #better future

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diariesof-kg · 9 months

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Chapter Two.

2023 August 10.

A lot has happened and I am kind of unsure why things affect me so bad, but that is something I need to work on. I also love the person I am today and refuse to backpedal down to who I use to be. The truth is no one will ever understand a Capricorn and I have heard this from other Capricorns as well. We will always be misunderstood. This is something we are aware of and yet we still complain about it as if the world is going to stop spinning just to understand US, the GOAT. Maybe it's better we understand ourselves and love ourselves and take what we receive as is.

I don't believe we are hard to love, I just think humans refuse to take the extra time to do so, but expect it in return. How I feel right now is quite unethical, if that even makes sense. This white screen I type on can't begin to capture my full emotions within. I think I am tired to be honest. I have been tired since May and all the issues and drama it came with, which flowed into June. The unfortunate thing is I returned to the forefront to avoid 'situations' but in reality wanted to disappear forever. Capricorns, we tend to care too much about people who wouldn't even bring us the moon. I sometimes feel sorry for us, because we don't deserve being treated the way we do. I always state that I wish I was another zodiac sign, because a few are much stronger emotionally, even if the undertone of it is weak.

When I feel like this, I wish my mom was here. I mean real bad. I believe I am filled with a lot of pain and not sure where to go with it. Venting to my friends does nothing anymore and I think I have mentioned that before. Phew...I wish I could really speak on how I feel, but I don't need people to panic. I will type all of this and wake up the next day feeling amazing but that's like putting a bandaid on an unhealed wound that continues to bleed. I think I am tired of just being 'handled' incorrectly. I am kind of tired of expressing my emotions and feelings only for it to seem overdramatic. I know I have an issue with expecting people to think how I think, but not on that level. It's more of if the roles were reversed how would you feel. But even then how can I expect that. I think moving forward in my friendships, family and relationships, I just won't anymore. I won't even be upset about certain things, I just be like "well alright." I understand that's dangerous and it's actually hindering my emotions, but I've been doing this all my life.

Sometimes you have to really sit back and tell yourself, no one gives a damn about your feelings Ke'Anna, because if they did, then A wouldn't have led to C. Today I sat on the floor in silence and gave myself words of affirmation. I thought about what makes me a catch. What makes me desirable. What makes me different from everyone else. To be honest it helped a lot. I had to remind myself of how thoughtful I am when I think of others. My actions create happiness within me that it shows through the person. I am honest and loyal. I put others before me and always think before doing. I am loving and caring with a little razzle dazzle. I validate others feelings without attempting to impose with my thoughts and opinions. I make sure the person is heard and be sure after, to "check in." The list can go on. I sat and thought about all the compliments I had received over time from past folks I had interest in. Sometimes you have to take a second to conquer the subconscious negative thoughts. I mean after all I did have two women fly out here just to see if I was real. Lol,

I think the only person I could say who understood me was the one who didn't want to commit. Lol, how ironic. Maybe because she was young and less tainted by society? But then again my sister is a Libra and even though I be side-eyeing, she definitely does validate and attempts to understand your thoughts. I had to clap for my sister one time, because she was never like that. That's huge growth that I have seen. I be wishing sometimes that I wasn't me. The personality that everyone likes. Sometimes I wish I was less caring and more selfish. And I mean really selfish, whatever that looks like, because I have no idea, Lol. Maybe nonchalant? More so an inconsiderate person? A person that honestly just does whatever and apologizes over and over again, because humans love to scream accountability. But then the world lives in pain, so me being inconsiderate to others would be a fraction of what they already endured. Could anyone imagine me being this person? They would honestly be scared. Lol, my friends would unfriend me. Everyone would be like Ke'Anna isn't KeAnna. It would be real life scary. It wouldn't be considered acting out, it would be more of trying on a new pair of shoes. Maybe if I was more inconsiderate I wouldn't live in this agony pain. How can I even explain what I mean. I mean I'd be a human who is numb and feel less and it would save me from overthinking and sleepless nights.

I should consider this next venture. It would definitely help in so many ways. I feel sorry for those who took advantage of who I was, Lol. Seriously, I be scared of my own self and the abilities I have to turn into someone else. Next everyone going to call me cold, but I was just warm all those times. Who knows, but I do feel a change is coming indefinitely. Once I stop crying, it's the start of something beautiful. Something magical. The only reason I will be crying is because I miss my mother. Everyone else will receive not a drop of tears from me. I shall return to write some more later this month, if time permits. I have so much on my plate and unsure how to handle it, but will attempt to week by week.

#life lessons #life #diariesofkg #astrology signs #capricorn #family #friends #blogs #the goat

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michellefrye · 12 days

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There's someone I used to date that moved to the Midwest for the military. We rekindled our friendship temporarily right when I was getting out of my most abusive relationship and I remember her telling me how worried she always was that I would make a callout post about her behavior. That surprised me because I've never thought about doing that to anyone (even people that definitely deserve it. Idk I believe in public shaming but I also believe in growth and just moving on from who you used to be)

I always hope she's doing well and the last I heard she hates me because I vented to her next serious ex about what it was like dating them (just the genuine truth. Wasn't even shit talking) but it never detracted from the fact I still considered them a friend and someone I care about

She even cheated on me and I wasn't aware of it until years later but it still barely affected my opinion of them. I just think life has nuance and I had already moved past it at this point so I didn't feel to need to mourn a relationship id long since given up on. (I think if I found out while it was occurring though I would've put myself in the hospital lol)

Idk I was abused emotionally and mentally by my brother for over a decade and I still talk to him so I feel like my threshold for forgiving people is Abnormally high but

Young people do stupid things

Every stupid thing I've ever done that resulted in hurting someone comes across my mind at least once a week. I know its not realistic but I figure everyone else feels the same way about their mistakes so im not gonna sit here and write a list of every shitty thing you've ever done

We dated at some point. That means something. It means I loved and cared about you and that doesn't end because you hate me or make bad choices. If it were up to me we'd still be talking because I think you're a lovely conversationalist and incredibly intelligent and quick-witted. There were and are things about you worth loving.

This is basically how I feel about everyone in my life (besides two people and they Know I can't stand them. It's on sight really)

If you wanted to be nosy or know what my thoughts are: im a tired and sad person trying to figure out what it means to be happy. Every person I've ever interacted with on a deep level lives in my head rent free. You're all meshed together in my heart like puzzle pieces. You formed some of my opinions and sense of humor. All I have are the ghosts of your personalities and I cling to them because nothing else in life comes close to the small glimpses you'd let me catch of your souls.

Im definitely zooted but im fresh off an 8 hour shift and no ones awake and I have a lot of feelings and no where to put them

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abcrst · 7 months

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Me, Myself and I (Who is Cristina Alipio?)

When I was a teenager, after I've just finished my Senior High School. I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be "me". What is my identity? What are my values? What do I want to achieve in life? What path I will gonna take? What's next?

I took a hard time deciding my College Program because in my perspective that time, what I will choose will gonna be the work that I'm gonna live until I'm old, (which is quite true and not true also), and I don't want to take a risk or jump into a decision that I'm not yet fully decided.

I have so many wants in life, that it came to the point I'm so lost on what path I really want to take.

I'm pressuring myself because almost of my closest classmates/friends that time, are ready, excited and fully decided. Some are just influenced by others, half decided but atleast they have a path already that they will take.

And there is me that time, hoping the world will pause for a moment and just let me make a decision first before the world will run again. But we know, that's not gonna happen, the world will not stop because of me or any of us.

After filtering all the list that I want to be, I end up with 2 options.

1. to be a Graphic Designer.

2. to be a Software Developer.

But instead, I decided to work while figuring myself more and to have a money for me to able to study.

While working, I've learned a lot from my previous coworkers, especially those people who took a Bachelor's degree but their lined of work is different from what course they took and also to those people that don't took a Bachelor's degree, but they take that work, a steping stone for them to be able to have a capital for their business someday.

That's when I met my Boyfriend, he exposed me to the business side. He do the negotiation, the marketing, the interaction to people. As for me, I do the financing, the planner, sharing to each other what will make our business be a good business? what to improved? making a documentation, etc.,

That's how we spend most of our quality time in a relationship, if I call it. We're still have a lot to improve, to grow, and that's what makes our relationship exciting for us.

And to my Mom, who's supporting me always, that don't boxed me, and always reminding me and guiding me that It's okay to fall, to go back to zero and redo it again stronger.

And to this stranger that I've always talk to in twitter for almost 4 years, I've learned a lot from her. I'm able to be transparent to her, my flaws, my go to buddy. It's very nice to meet someone who have a different upbringing, mindset from me.

and few more people that makes me realize a lot, and put me to see the bigger picture. I think that's enough for me to be able to stand still. The few people that I'm gatekeeping, I treasured.

From them, I've realized that I am complex and free. I don't stick my growth as it is today. I am made up of many different parts, including my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and relationships. I am constantly changing and evolving.

Before, I hardly accept those people who against on what I believed, It's hard for me to change my thoughts on something especially if I believed on those as I grow up.

But I've come to realize that it's a life changing and fun to learn to other people, especially their realization on their experiences, their upbringing, their culture.., what makes them who they are.

My relationships with my family, friends, and loved ones have shaped me into the person I am today. I am grateful for all the different parts of me. They make me unique and special.

Hello. If you make it here. I'm Cristina Alipio, you can call me Tin. Nice to meet you. as an update from the option earlier, right now, I took up a Computer Science Program and I photographed for fun and satisfaction of my memory —sometimes I watch tutorials to make an animation in after effects, also planning to learn adobe illustrator and photoshop.

If I've pick up your interest what's gonna be my journey along the way. I'm happy to update you all on my progress in life. That's all, have a great one. ✨

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promisesandtea · 8 months

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The Five Pillars

Putting into words what I want in a relationship.. What I want in my life is difficult. It is something very specific but at the same time not.

Relationships are hard. Painful. Heavy. But also beautiful and comforting. Filled with love and happiness. We seek a fulfilling balance.

Consent. Communication. Care. Trust. Respect.

This is what I need. What we both need. Let me explain:

Consent

Of the five, this is the most important. Without it, the whole relationship is just abusive and shouldn't exist. Consent is mutual. Both parties must have a clear understanding of what consent is and what it means to them and what it means to their partner. And its significance goes beyond just sex. It's discussing decisions that would impact the future of the other. It's being careful about what you share about your relationship outside of it. It's being aware of the safety of it. Consent is evolving also, not rigid. And it's non-negotiable.

Communication

The most difficult. It must be learned. You have to get to know your partner and how they communicate. It's not just verbal communication, it's physical and emotional as well. Part of growing and bonding with a person is learning each other's body language and how to read it. You have to know when your partner needs to vent but also when they just want to sit in silence with you present. Or just having a simple conversation about nothing. Communicating effectively shows a strong bond. This one is the most difficult. Openness without fear is paramount.

Care

Actions more than words. This shows commitment to your partner and helps establish the bond. Showing your partner that you care about them (whether it's physical, verbal, mental, etc.) is how the other knows that they are important to you. It's a feeling more than anything. A person can feel when care is taken into account when an action is performed. Whether it's shooting them a quick text because you're aware of how bad their anxiety can get. Or when you take that extra step in the morning to set their things so it's ready when they wake up when you know they've had a long night. It's reassurance.

Trust

Part of building a relationship and bonding is taking chances at the beginning. Based on instinct, one needs to decide whether or not to take that step and trust the other. Even if it's a little thing. A line is crossed. There's a timing element to it also. Whether it's telling intimate things about yourself or getting intimate for the first time - things you can't take back - there's that fear that they will abandon you or hurt you with what they have gained from you. Knowing that eventually it will need to get to a level of absoluteness. Risking the pain and fear that comes if that trust is broken.

Respect

This is putting your partner before yourself and showing them that they are significant to you. It's establishing a hierarchy between your partner and everyone else. You show that they matter and are now a part of your being. Whether it's taking them into account when planning your day or standing up for them when they can't do so themselves. Showing that respect is strengthening the bond and further stabilizes the relationship.

Of course there are other elements that come into play that are just as important: Love, loyalty, commitment, passion, monogamy, family, support, growth ... but these elements cannot come without an established foundation.

And I have debated adding loyalty to the main list but.. I have issues with it. And it's myself mostly. I am extremely loyal. Too loyal. And it has hurt me in the past. Loyalty can be dangerous so I have to put myself first in a way. Being submissive, I have a tendency to default to a loyal state when I shouldn't. With the five pillars established I will allow my loyalty to fully take over. Because I will always protect my King.

Main post

#me #text #private #personal #redone because the original post disappeared for some reason wtf #the winding path takes root

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champflexington · 9 months

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Status Update

Hi, Most people online know me as Champ Flexington, or my Spotify project Julian Minerva. My actual name is Mariano. This is going to be a long stream of consciousness style post. There's going to be mentions of a lot of hard topics and mental health stuff. If you don't want to read anything like that, this is your only warning. I tagged this post with a list of stuff this contains in case something I talk about may make you uncomfortable. If you continue reading, and care about me as a person, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Not saying if you don't read this, you don't care about me, just that if those 2 things are true, I appreciate it.

I've been going through some family hardships lately (the last year and a half specifically.) I've come to realize recently that in order for me to get better with my mental health, after years of emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation, I cannot do it while living here with my family.

I know that people will just say stuff like "suck it up, figure it out on your own" or tell me that everyone goes through stuff and I have to keep trying, or try harder.

I have been trying to get better and have a foundation to someday be able to support myself. I had a job that I liked but my back was injured on the job and wasn't able to move around a lot physically in early 2022. Yeah I got a settlement, but bills keep coming in and since I didn't have an injury that basically made me completely bedridden it wasn't a lot. I would have gotten more money had I been able to work the job for the amount of time I was out of work, the settlement only covers from when I resigned in order to receive the settlement. I resigned because I felt I wasn't being treated fairly and blamed for the injury. That's about as much as I am willing to say about that since I don't wanna get into any legal trouble by mentioning names or things like that.

The next job I had was a better job, it paid more, I got more hours, I felt like I had support from my management in case I needed anything. In the middle of working one day my dad kicked me out of his house and told me to move somewhere else. I quit the job turned in the equipment since it was work form home. Eventually after planning a move and starting to move things around in my life, I decided to give my dad another chance. He begged me to stay, said he'd change. Apologized. Told me he loved me. Basically did something a father would do not wanting to lose his son. The thing that I thought about was something my sister said to me a few months before she passed away. She said that I should try and fix the relationship I have with my dad. If it doesn't work out its ok, but at least I tried. She said she doesn't think I'm the type of person to want to regret not trying on something when I'm at the end of my life.

Things were ok for a few weeks after that. He slowly started to drink more often and in greater quantities. It ramped up for about 6 months. There have been several other things that happened to me and my family, but I'll just skip to the most recent event. I had been mainly working on yardwork and also helping with things around the house, taking care of our dog and walking him at 7am, working out, feeling better and getting better and a lot of personal growth, playing guitar on streams. Eventually a couple of people asked me for my paypal/cashapp to send me money because they appreciated my playing, requests I had played, and just liked how I was doing things during my livestreams.

On the Thursday night of August 10th, my dad came home way more drunk and started saying things to my mom, telling her a lot of messed up stuff about her and her family. Just a bunch of victim blaming and comparing them to his side of the family, saying they're not leeches, worthless etc. He then started saying worse and worse stuff because she wasn't really affected by it, he didn't get a rise out of her. She's been going through this for the last 30 years. I didn't hear what was going on until he got louder. I went to the bathroom and that's when he started saying that me and my mom are the worst things to happen in his life. That we're nothing but toxic horrible parasites to him, keeping him from achieving his goals and success. He said he just wishes we would leave him alone, let him succeed and that he doesn't want us both living with him because of how ungrateful we are. No matter how much we do, or what sacrifices we make, we're always going to be seen as ungrateful because we still need him for something. To be grateful in his eyes, is to no longer need him for anything and rely on his generousness.

I have been trying, a lot. But I have so much anxiety I get so depressed about everything that happens that I barely have enough energy to keep my mental health afloat and not do anything I'll regret. I'm not using it as a threat, it's just fuckin real. I constantly think things would be better if I wasn't alive. How many burdens I'd be lifting off people if I just wasn't here. It all stems in some way with the mental anguish I have to deal with being my dads son. I'm constantly being told how weak I am, how soft I am, how I'm nothing like him. How when he was a kid he got beaten everyday til age 14. How I'm lucky that he's never done anything bad to me. Gaslighting me into thinking that none of this is real. That if there's a problem, I'm the reason for it and I'm just being lazy. I just want things to be easy for me. It sucks.

That's why I came to realize that, yeah, in order to get better I have to get the fuck out of here. I can't build a good foundation if my progress is constantly being trounced and just ridiculed at every step of the way. Every time I show any kind of progress, my dad gets way more aggressive and vocal about his disdain for me and my mom. Saying that since I turned 18 legally I'm not his responsibility. So any help he's given me, is extra in terms of his fatherhood. He did it out of the kindness of his heart. The thing is, every time he gets drunk, he is always yelling at us telling us that how much money he's used for me and my mom. Pulling up receipts about how rent, utilities, food, everything we do is owed to him. I can't do this anymore. It feels like as if I'm trying to build a sandcastle, but whenever he feels like it, he'll come over and step on it making me start over. Saying, well this is my beach, if you don't like it leave. Or you should be grateful that you're even allowed here without me calling the cops, legally and morally you have no right to be here. You're nothing but a parasite and a leech, feeding off my success and keeping me from achieving more.

That's about as much as I can mentally handle to write at this time. I'm pretty sure I'll make a video with everything or another post going into detail about previous events and stuff that lead to this.

#mental health #suicidal ideation #trauma #gaslighting #manipulation #abuse #alcohol dependence #unhealed trauma #victim blaming

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humansun · 9 months

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caffeine ... why are you here

Written Friday, August 4th, 2023 at 8:26PM

The reason why it’s important to do morning pages and not evening pages is because that is when you are guaranteed enough energy to write. Whereas in the evening, you might not be able to execute that promise to yourself because you’re too sleepy or you don’t have enough time to squeeze in another task. Plus, it takes more energy at night to write when you maybe should be reading and settling down from the day.

Regardless, it doesn’t matter completely as long as you get to write and you find out what times work best for you and your schedule. There have been a million things on my mind that I will bullet point list below:

Being 25 is a wild, unexpected ride full of ups and downs

Learning to not let my emotions control me is a power move, but I’m also thinking about how much I can validate those feelings and allow them to exist

What parts of being logical become financial guru / masculinity / bro mentality?

Having people in your life that are constantly learning is an endless win

I really miss Ravenn and Mai and all my long distance friends like Sha too

Late night crying when no one knows is like, a different level of sadness.

Tomorrow is a big day not for me but like still a big day

Realizing transformative thoughts and uplifting myself to create change is cool

It’s interesting how we use judgements and negativity to fill in uncertainty about people or just things in general

I miss being bored because lately there has been a million and one things to do

There is a level of being overwhelmed in my life at the moment

Sleep is missed and 5am workouts are also missed

Everyone is my family. Literally

Good thing my bridesmaid dress covers up so much of my body so no one can peep my very, very dry skin

Babies are babies and babies are babies and babies are babies

Thank god for white noise in a world of endless stimuli

Being overwhelmed is real

Is it the caffeine? Probably

What I want the most right now is SLEEP

Vitacane takes EBT aka gamechanger

Relationships can be filled with tumult.

Why is everything going to be okay? Because I’m stronger than I look and feel. And I started.

Anything having to do with resistance will usually have growth succeeding it

My sister is a wonderful human being

Mom.

I really want grandma to go to the wedding tomorrow tee bee aych

We are all complex, hypocritical, flawed people as much as any celebrity is, we just don’t have it on blast aka what Julie said

Identifying my favorite movie at any given moment is difficult

Writing a speech for a bride and groom is difficult

I really, effing, love my friends

I am hoping to transform and change as much as I can within the next 6 months and the rest of my life really

I genuinely believe that I am capable of changing my dad’s side of the family and even if I don’t, I know I’ll make even an inch of a difference. Hopefully that doesn’t entail too much imposing on other people lol

I wonder if the people I find problematic find themselves problematic

I haven’t responded to a lot of people (personal contacts) and a lot of people (professional contacts) - Yikes!

There’s a lot happening. In life, in my brain, it’s been two days that I’ve been having back to back caffeine sessions which is not good, but it’s life right now. My diet is going well because I’m learning that eating out is not life and it’s not my forever.

I learned that I’m going to be okay. I learn that everyday.

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vanilladaises-rp · 1 year

Note

As of Friday, March 10th, I have quit my teaching position effective immediately. Here's a list of reasons why I left:

The pay that I receive is not commensurate with the amount of value I provide.

The extra time I work outside of contract hours remains as unpaid labor. I have tried my best to balance my time. I can do so no longer.

When I have asked for basic classroom support, such as separating disruptive students into separate class periods, expressing explicitly that I wanted to retain them and that I was unwilling to give up on them, I have been rejected with quibbling qualifications that undermined my professional credibility and basic dignity.

The amount of disrespect and apathy I face on a daily basis disturbs me emotionally, both inside and outside of the workplace.

The passion I have for the content I cover is a fire inside of me that has been quenched repeatedly and thoroughly by the realities of education in America. The realities are that this system is fundamentally broken, and will not improve - at the very least, not anytime soon.

I cannot continue to work in an environment that limits my basic human necessities, like bathroom and lunch breaks.

This "career" is exploitative, providing little to no opportunities for advancement and growth, especially pertaining to pay. There is no reward for the ample merit I have demonstrated.

Public education in America has been deliberately sabotaged by moneyed interests, in order to poach successful students for private and charter schools. The rest are foisted upon already overburdened schools that have little to no teeth in dealing with students that display no regard for participating in their own education. This is not my fault, nor is it my responsibility to remedy it. I have done what I can.

I am not a statistic, nor am I beholden to them. Most teachers quit before 5 years because of the problems on this list and more. I will be quitting after three years of service, not including a year of student teaching. It is okay to let go and prioritize myself. I have nothing to prove.

I will not be a victim of the sunk-cost fallacy. I have made progress in this field. I have hundreds of hours of quality instructional resources, ones that have been successful in many different classes and have captured the attention and admiration of many students. It is okay to never use them again. I will make progress elsewhere.

I want to work somewhere where the printer, WiFi, and air conditioner to function properly.

When I go home at the end of the workday, I want to cast off my professional life until the next morning and dedicate myself to what truly matters - my loved ones, my hobbies and interests, and my personal life. In this job, I am unable to do so.

Social media and constant attachment to technology have enabled the worst behavior in students, as has neglectful parenting and lack of meaningful consequences from caregivers and administrators.

I should not feel like a failure. The system, administrators, parents, and students have failed me and all other educators. Not the other way around.

I have been held to an unrealistic standard of accountability that is not present in professions that pay comparably.

I never want to work again in a profession where I have to force kids to do what they do not want to do.

I am sick and tired of conflict. I am an engaging and incredibly reasonable and accommodating educator. I actively try to avoid conflict and express myself with the utmost patience. I am tired of entitled students and parents that think their poor behavior is acceptable when it is NOT. I am tired of students and parents exploiting my patience.

I am tired. Period. The breaks don't make up for the exertion of the job.

I have made some excellent relationships with some of my students, ones that I will cherish forever. Still, I can find a better future for myself by working in a different profession.

I. AM. DONE.

I meant to reply early but I was too dumbfounded to say anything. I read your reasons about 2 or 3 times and I felt so bad knowing how hard teaching was for you and how badly it affected your life. If I’m honest I thought about being a teacher in high school, at least a elementary school teacher but when I saw how my teachers struggled and even protested up to two weeks I felt terrible. I know people expect so much out of teachers and I know it is your jobs to teach and guide students but that was the first time I saw how truly draining it is to be a teacher, no matter the grade. I’m not gonna sit here and act like I know how it feels because I don’t but I can understand why you left. I hope that all goes well with you no matter what path you choose or career. I know it’s hard starting over or starting something new but I hope it brings you happiness. ❤️

#daisy diaries #🍨#luv you 🫶🏻

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kouros-herc · 1 year

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RP Questionnaire 2022

Your Name:

Laura

Characters:

Hercules Kouros / Jessie Wright / Jeremy Johnson

Pick one of your characters and talk about their growth (we recommend choosing an older character, but it’s up to you!) What about their story has surprised you? What are you proud of? How have they changed from their original inception to now?

Hercules - Herc has had a relatively gentle year it feels (which is saying something) as I get my feet on the ground and try to establish the character without doing anything too drastic. When I first got Herc I loved him as someone who just did things without over thinking. Now as the year went on I think I lost that, a bit, because I was so busy exploring the pressures of his job and how that weighs on him and forces him to overthink more (and also because I am terrible at both being in the moment, and feeling like I have to over-explain all of his motivations for doing something so that people will understand him as a person). Ideally this will be something I come back to though as slowly his confidence as a business owner is growing, he’s almost exactly 1 year in and hasn’t tanked his gym, so he feels slowly better and better.

I am really proud of having built him a support network that is gradually growing - it’s difficult coming in as a new RP-er with a character who’s supposed to have been around for years. But he now has lots of friendships that feel quite organic.

Pick another character (or the same character if you only have one) and talk a little about where you WANT them to go. What are your plans for them going into the new year?

Jeremy - So far everyone’s favourite Boy Next Door has been doing what he does best - bimbling along not having too much drama. I have some plans coming up over the Winter break and into the new year that are intended to push him forwards somewhat, both musically and personally. 2023 is going to be the year of The Incidentals baby! He’s going to start getting his name out there, building that reputation as more than just a former choir boy.

Herc - Eh I wanted to still talk about this actually so. Next year is going to see Herc continuing to build in confidence, but I also really want to see him engage with his powers, with his status as a Magick and to keep facing discomfort, but striding forwards.

Pick a thread or a plot that you’re proud of and talk about why you loved it.

- Firstly, the DTR thread with Clementine and Vicky. The thread really summed up the entire point of the Vixerc relationship (RIP but it had to happen to give us Vixxen so you know we won) - two people trying so hard to do everything right that actually they were getting all the basics wrong. Plus chaos, shenanigans, clanging from the kitchen. Thanks for involving me in your Vixxen love story and for writing with me!

- Not to blow my own horn but I am going to that’s the whole point but As Time Goes By. The thing about Jessie that is so unlike any character I’ve ever played before is the sheer depth of backstory that I had worked out even before I applied for her. In many ways the entire story I am trying to tell with her character is one that has already BEEN told, it’s just slowly unfolding to you, the audience. I love adding the layers, revealing more and more why she is the way that she is, and the events that have shaped her, I think it’s a real exercise in character creation for me from body language to appearance I try to craft everything to all tie in to that larger narrative and I can’t wait until some of my little easter-eggs to myself start to pay off.

In terms of your own writing, identify 1-3 strengths and talk about why you think it’s one of your strengths.

In terms of your own writing, identify 1-3 areas of improvement.

With love, not going to answer these - see last question for reason.

Pick one of your plots, or even just a character, and come up with a list of 3-5 “mentor texts” where you can look for inspiration or research, then write a short (2-4 sentences) why you picked those texts. (They don’t have to be books, either!)

Jeremy:

- Heartstopper. For reasons that may indeed, be obvious. He’s dealing with a crush in a way that is new and kind of unsettling and he doesn’t really know what to do with it.

- Pitch Perfect. For what is Jeremy Johnson if not Skyler Astin’s character from Pitch Perfect? He’s an acapella guy ... it’s inevitable.

- Leah on the Offbeat. Again, this is a youngster finding themselves in many many ways. Who do they want to be, who do they like? Self-exploration. Making mistakes and assumptions about other people along the way.

- Albums by; Passenger, Hozier, Lewis Capaldi, Jack Savoretti, Paolo Nutini. They are all exceptional artists in different ways whose music I draw on a lot, but with a high degree of artistry that can be instructive for Jeremy.

And now, a wishlist! Jot down a few themes or stories or genres etc that you want to maybe pursue in the upcoming year! (i.e. a good ol’ fashion forbidden romance, maybe you want to dig deep into racial identity etc) This doesn’t have to necessarily be attached to any characters or stories you have now– it’s just meant to help you see for yourself what kind of stories call to your heart.

Herc: Let’s throw him back out on the dating scene and watch him make a mess again. Let’s see him use his powers, let’s see him be a HERO! (Let’s see it go to his head and make him a bit full of himself), let’s just keep building those friendships and dynamics and see what happens.

Jessie: I have got to find an excuse for her to get herself a house and settle and admit she’s staying. I love The Hauntley so much but it would open so many more doors once she admits to herself she’ll be around for a while. Including some neat little interactions I have planned for her move-in.

Jeremy: 2023 baby! Year of the growth! Teenage rebellion coming in a touch late. I want him to explore his sexuality, let’s see him get his heart broken and have his Taylor Swift moment, let’s have his coming out arc with parents and friends.

OPTIONAL: Why do you RP?

So last winter I had extreme writers block with my thesis and following all the advice started writing some short one-shots based on previous rp characters to share with a friend. In doing so I remembered how much I loved character writing and had missed it. One well-timed plug from Emma later and voila.

But for me a lot of the reason I write is to practice things I am bad at in real life - to practice being adaptable (Characters like Herc and Jeremy allow me to ‘go with the flow’ and explore unexpected threads and connections), being creative, and to work on my perfectionism. That is why I am refusing to answer the other questions about strengths and weaknesses. I am already plagued by ‘I’m not good enough’ and insecurity without reflecting any more on what I can do better (and trust me even trying to reflect on strengths leads me down a path to that). Writing is the one hobby I have where I am trying to allow myself to not be perfect - so I apologise when my replies are full of typos or don’t make sense, and I apologise because I know I am far from a perfect partner but I am trying to take on board peoples preferences and personal styles etc and be better, without letting myself get to obsessed about being ‘perfect’ all the time.

Anyway, since we’re coming up to a year, thanks for having me. Thanks for putting up with me. Here’s to better and brighter

#swyntask

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lanaintheskydreams · 2 years

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Dream Journal for Sep 16-Sep 19

I've been so off track with this that I am going to restart it tomorrow. I was out 5 days for a business road trip and then yesterday was a birthday, an herbalist class, and a dinner. AND today I have to unpack and clean up so I am going to restart it in full tomorrow!

I had many messages and an interesting part of my dream. I still have been in other "lives" in my dreams regardless of how bad and sleep deprived I've been. I am in elaborate long situations where I am interacting with alot more characters now. The soul romance period has begun again, where I will dream about a new male soul every night and we feel "romance", but no sex hahaha, which is strange. Aurora says physicality is a training wheel for the physical world, and once we can control the inner state, the physical outer shell will fall away. So I think the love that I feel in my dreams is something I can embody all of the time and it needs no social construct or expectation of a normal relationship. It is something I can exude and receive whereever I am at. Also, there was a part of my dream that was silly. I was looking at a miniature town where these tiny ghost figurines were sitting on "chairs". The girl next to me thought they looked like marshmallows so she said "they are marshmallow hopping". I didn't perceive them as marshmallows until she pointed in out so I thought it was a clever point of view and I laughed. It made me wonder whether "different parts of me" see something in my head in my waking life and points things out to me, or if that was really another astral character. If thoughts are not ours and we just "pick up on them", then where do those thoughts get born from? Whenever I hear a joke in my dream I think its hilarious and wake up laughing. I wonder if I can take credit from it because it's from a place only I have witnessed, and I think its from my own brain. Or is it really someone else, or just another side of me, and I (not the TRUE I, but my "personality" is made up of many entities).

Some other insights I had were that entertainment is desensitization trauma reprogramming. When I did EMDR I found that the eye movement helps you desensitize to your traumatic memories. Well, watching/playing entertainment does the same thing. Even though it is portrayed as "fantasy", by ingesting those horrific violent images, we (our bodies) are also desensitized to them through the guise of a fictional tv medium, and then perhaps terrible torture that has been happening to us will live in our subconscious as just "something we watched last night", instead of it being a true memory that was wiped from our brain but can never be wiped from our aura/heart/psyche.

Also that our consciousness is the most important currency in this lifetime. That is why they do EVERYTHING they can to make us distracted through vices, vanity, silly entertainment, YOLO life, upgrade in technology. Jesus Christ came here to teach us about CHRIST CONCIOUSNESS, anyone who has merely "accepted" Him or baptized themselves without living in utter moment to moment radical self responsibility and commitment to awareness and perpetual self-growth is still living a blind life. There are many vices that hurt yourselves and others, but the root vice is not knowing YOURSELF, your TRUE power. The greatest sin is to yourself as you fail to live your full potential God had gifted us while you live behind fictional veils of fear and narratives and social constructs, and thus the collective humanity for not giving YOUR TRUE SELF to the collective big painting picture of God.

We are trained to think "I can't wait to meet my future partner". We must think first "I CANT WAIT TO MEET MYSELF". There is a difference between meeting someone you can't wait to RELATE TO, share, grow, create with, and someone you want to possess, own, control for your own comfort, security, ego, satisfaction, and social construct check list (goto college, get a degree, nice house, be respected, etc). This is what ALOT of relationships are LIKE, the divorce rates reflect this.

If you are living on your correct path, there is no existential torture of purpose, every second of your life is EXHILERATING, because you are in creative control of your own life and you experience freedom and adventure each moment.

The oppress us to bring us up and divide us. How do we know that all racism hasn't been weaponized just so they can just aim us against eachother?

Also really looking at the "hunches" in my life and going deep into them and trusting them. Right now I am seeing that my meditation of the word "cup" may have been a sign, a password. Aurora kept using the word "cup" in her most recent example of synthetic and real telepathy which resides in the heart, and I feel like she is a true teacher of what I want to learn, and this has been a password for me to connect with her.

Anyways, here is the update of how bad I've been.

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ghostietea · 3 years

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Furuba autistic headcanons

With it being April, or autism acceptance month, I wanted to finally drop my list of characters from Fruits Basket that I read as autistic! This is based a lot on my own experience, as well as that of other autistics I know or have seen talk online. I hope some people can get something out of it, feel free to tell me what you think 😊, though please refrain from getting upset that I would dare suggest your fave is autistic.

Hanajima

Before becoming able to better control her powers, she would be constantly overwhelmed by the things she heard to the point that she couldn't even really go out in public. This reads a lot like sensory overload.

Constantly picked on in school because other kids thought she was weird. Eventually reclaimed this weirdness and turned it into a whole persona.

Seems to talk usually in a relatively flat tone.

Had trouble socializing with no friends outside her family until middleschool.

Has a very funny, dry sense of humor that I find very similar to a bunch of autistics I know, including myself.

Hatsuharu

Listen. You have seen the funky little man, you have seen the way he talks, the way he acts around others. He is, and I mean this in the best way, a weirdo. I do not know how you could look at him and see a neurotypical.

Once again, like Hana, Haru is funny in a way that feels very autistic.

Very flat, dry, tone delivery. Sometimes just Says Things that make everyone else go huh??? Suuuuper blunt. Doesn't emote facially a lot of the time.

When this man sees a social norm he doesn't get he WILL NOT follow it. Pierces his ears just because his hair got flak, defends Momiji wearing whatever he wants because sometimes y'know the social rules are just dumb and don't make sense. Especially dress codes.

Sometimes says things not befitting the current tone of the situation.

Represses (masks) a lot of his emotions, leading to outbursts that seem uncharacteristic.

His main childhood trauma revolves around adults branding him as "dumb" and ridiculing him. Haru, however, is super smart and wise!! Just in an offbeat way that not everyone may get.

Machi

Reads as very "flat" emotionally to the point that others would call her boring. Also has a flat vocal delivery.

Relies on specific habits or ways of doing things or else she gets super upset (her hatred of imperfection.

Has trauma surrounding adults completely misconstruing her intentions and thinking she's doing something malicious when she's not.

Generally behaves in a way that's hard for others to understand, one of her formative moments with Yuki was him saying he wanted to "see how the world looks" through her eyes.

Once again, trouble socializing.

Tries super hard to please her parents but in the end they still see her as somehow inherently "defective."

Listen. A lot of this one and the last two are mostly vibes, hard to verbally define. You just have to look at them and trust me.

Tohru

Displays behavior very reminiscent of masking throughout the story, a huge part of her arc is about how she hides a lot of herself and has a very controlled persona. I think it would fit very well if she had other autistic behaviors that she suppresed also it helps explain why she is relatively socially adept, it's learned behavior to make people like her more.

Yes she is very good at saying what others need to hear, but especially early on she is pretty blatantly imitating her mother's words. She only gets better at getting through on a more personal level later on (see her with Rin and Akito v. early series Tohru). She does this by relating her own experiences, a very autistic way of showing empathy that often gets us written off as self centered. The way she relays things her mom said could also be seen as this, and she even worries at a few points that she's being insensitive for going on about things like that.

While emotionally repressed she is hyper empathetic and feels other's emotions so strongly she cries.

Her speech patterns are all imitated from her father and she often copies verbal things from others (see Ritchan-san). Noted in canon that people think her way of speaking is slightly off/not befitting of someone her age. Additionally, her father was polite more sarcastically, while she plays it straight and sometimes takes things very literally or fails to get the message, indicating trouble with reading tone. Has numerous strange verbal tics, including saying parts of her internal monologue out loud without context.

Very expressive with her hands including waving them around and flapping them up and down.

Does have a bit of trouble with accidental insensitivity in social interactions, like how she constantly fixates on her mom and realizes that might bug the Sohma.

Has trouble paying attention in school since it doesn't have much to do with her interests

Her only friend until she was a middle schooler was her mom

Has a pretty unique outlook on things compared to others, people seem to think she's pretty eccentric. There's always a "this girl is nice but in an odd way, she's our weirdo and we love her" vibe.

Sometimes has an "inappropriate" emotional response to situations

Has a lot of trouble with change, similar to Akito. Which oh, look at the time, next hc coming up.

But first, a disclaimer. It is cathartic for me to read Akito this way, but with that reading comes the baggage that she would, mayhaps, be showing a more negative side of things... It doesn't bother me since it's a joint hc with other characters and she does develop at the end but yeah, general villain hc baggage. This is in no way me trying to excuse her being The Worst being autistic doesn't absolve you of being able to do wrong . Also, a lot of these points can and do have other explanations related to her upbringing, but things can be for more than 1 reason. With that said, she really strongly comes off as autistic to me, in a way that's sorta hard to explain. I wrote a lot more for her than the other, both because I felt I needed more to convince people and that this headcanon was more sensitive and I needed to be careful in my explanation. Also hey! She's my special interest within a special interest.

Akito

Shown to have a dislike of summer weather due to heat and brightness, could be due to sensory issues in tandem with sickness things. Also covers her ears when people raise their voice sometimes which is partially her trying to shut down opposition but also 🤔 can read a different way. She'd also avoids louder Juuni like Ritsu and Ayame because she can't handle them.

Wears pretty much the same outfit every single day. Said outfit is also pretty loose fitting.

Always seen sitting in a pretty unconventional way. Evidence:

Of course this is also the isolated in a cult thing and there is a level of her purposefully doing things to intimidate but: doesn't follow a lot of social rules (overly touchy with strangers, legit doesn't get that what she's doing is wrong, ect.). Repeatedly confused when people indicate she should act otherwise without explanation. Has a breakdown when this comes to a head and approximately says that "they" shouldn't expect her to know "common sense" if "they" never explained it to her, that the way that she was was her "common sense."

Often talks in a way uncharacteristic of her age when shown as a child in a more faux mature/pretentious way. Might just be the translation and idk how to explain it but her speech as an adult also seems off from what one would normally use in conversation. Additionally, when she tries to fake being friendly in her intro chapter, it comes of as extremely stiff and unconvincing.

Generally displays behavior that could be thought of as childish as an adult, but a lot of this behavior could also read as autistic (covering ears, emotional deregulation and meltdowns, ignorance of basic social norms, ect.). It's also important to note that she knows that this behavior makes her seem younger and more helpless to the older zodiac and uses it as a manipulation tactic. Has issues regarding people treating her like a child or only hanging out with her because of pity. While she does weaponize it, we can tell that this grates on her, as seen with her finally blowing up on Kureno, which is partially triggered by the maids saying some sorta infantalizing stuff about her. Irl, a lot of autistic adults and teens struggle with being infantalized for our behavior generally or treated as little babies that can do no wrong. Even in fandom, you see people doing stuff like jumping to call autistic adult characters, such as Entrapta from Shera, "minor coded." It is also common for us to have at least one bad experience with someone hanging around us out of pity. This is something that really gave me a similar feeling in Akito's arc. She's not a baby and she can understand and do better if she is given the chance to learn and break from all the freaky cult indoctrination she's been subjected to instead of just being constantly enabled. In the end, a lot of her growth is represented by her showing that she is capable of changing and being independent.

Shows particular difficulty with socialization, often sits by herself spacing out at social events. A lot of her fear is rooted in the fact that she doesn't know how normal relationships work, becoming overly reliant on the curse because she doesn't know how to make friends.

Clings desperately onto the notion of being "special" and in some way superior to others to be worthy and to make up for perceived inherent "flaws." It's the nd gifted kid burnout vibes for me.

Easily bothered by things that don't bother others. Feels emotions very strongly to the point of getting physically ill and has bad emotional regulation.

Relatively good at reading others in an analytical sense (though has more trouble when it comes to seeing how they feel about her since she's wildly delusional) but brings up her observations in a very cold, detached way and hurts people even on the rare occasion she didn't mean to. Has extreme trouble connecting to others and understanding their point of view. This makes her come off as pretty unempathetic even though that might not fully be the case. Also thinks that people like Momiji are trying to look down on her when they try to empathize with her. A lot of why Tohru can get through to her is that she manages to convince Akito that she's not condescending by relating shared traits and experiences. As I said earlier, autistics often empathize by sharing their own experiences with someone, and I know I often have an easier time confiding in other autistics because of a fear of being seen as lesser by those that don't understand me. I think the connection between these charachters and the way that Tohru manages to reach Akito like that while others couldn't makes a lot of sense through an autistic lense!

Additionally, when Akito herself gets around to trying to help others instead of just projecting trauma, she tries to reach out to the old maid by relating back to her own experiences. This however, doesn't work.

Has "cold" emotional reactions sometimes even to things that do make her upset. For example, how sort of calm and detached she acted after her father's death can make her seem uncaring. However, we know that this event did mess her up a lot and she is still (poorly) dealing with a lot of grief from the death of her father years later.

Copies mannerisms from others, the most blatant example is with Ren, who she directly parrots lines from as a child to Yuki.

Partly just her posturing, but gestures a lot with her hands when she talks. Also seen several times clutching her hands in her hair.

Deals extremely poorly with the idea of things changing to the point that it is a driving force of the story.

Does not understand when people tease her.

Ect. Ect. Ect. Listen, I could go on for ages but just trust me, the mean gremlin lady is autistic.

#fruits basket #akito sohma #tohru honda #saki hanajima #machi kuragi #hatsuharu sohma #actually autistic #meta

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