#now it more is but now it's more disordered eating than ed so eh

[wtfcl0ud]

and then god said you will have only the most subjective (meaning there is no or little way to actually prove it through like a blood test or smth) physical and mental conditions and symptoms

#possible ibs #possible focal aware seizures #possible pmdd #anxiety #eh dont really think i classify for panic disorder but i've had my share of panic attacks #possible (b)pd #oh wait no he gave me asthma they diagnosed that one for sure eheheheheheheh ! #im not saying subjective means they're not true #i just means it's hard to prove to others be it medical professionals or not that it is true yk #sigh #oh yh then the possible dp/dr #ooh tinnitus!!! #i mean again u can kinda prove tht one but it's not like oh super easy to do #telling someone yo my ear is ringing but only i can hear it is 'subjective' yk #double sigh #cloud nonsense #oh does the ed count as subjective hmm no i guess not i mean in the past it wasnt #now it more is but now it's more disordered eating than ed so eh

[transkittyinatoaster]

Snack for a parasite

Fandom: Twisted Wonderland

Characters: Idia, Rigel, and Perse(OC by @midnightmah07)

Content warnings: Arguing, mild swearing, and discussion of ED(eating disorders)

(until my lazy self downloads some dividers, we'll have to get used to the dorm lounges)

Rigel spun his pencil on the solid tables of the dorm as he swung his legs underneath. Ahead of him was Perse whom was eating a rather mediocre meal

But there was a silence everyone grew accustomed to, as if it was a part of them

“Do you ever wonder how if the multiverse theory is correct, there's a universe where it isn't?” Rigel suddenly asked, breaking the comfortable silence. Perse stopped as she slowly looked at the demon across from her, staring at her with those curious red eyes

“Rigel, do you ever think about what you're going to say?”

He shook his head which caused her to mumble “of course,” before she continued to eat

“Hey,” she began, “did you eat?”

“Eh? Oh, yeah, I ate.” He smiled

She stared at him. “Food. Rigel. Did you eat food? Real food?” She clarified

He went silent

She sighed as she got up to go make him something, “Wha- Hey, wait!-” He got up to follow, but she was already gone, so all he could next was to just sit down

He held his hands together as his feet drummed the floor as he waited apprehensively

She didn't have to do this and she knew that

And he felt bad for the fact she was doing it

He got by on his diet

And now here she is, making sure he ate what everyone else was eating It… felt weird

The food tasted weird

Wrong

He likes the taste of the cardboard from his torn up notebooks

He took one out and tore off a piece, sticking it into his mouth as he chewed on it as a small snack

The small crunches and tears filled the otherwise silent lounge as he ate and swallowed, taking the wood in as food, even if it was the furthest thing from it

He swung his legs as he waited for her return, he probably won't eat what she made

It was pointless anyway

She could be eating the food she made herself but was making it for him

Maybe that's why the food tastes weird

It's because she's making it specifically for him instead of herself or whoever

He got up and walked around, his steps thudding against the marble as he paced in circles

Perse, on the other hand, was making Rigel some sandwiches of a wide variety for Rigel, ensuring he had something he found enjoyable

She always did find it odd when he was the only person who ate Lilia's food with splendor

She sighed as she slightly realized signs from all over the years they've been going here

Maybe he's too far deep to be saved, maybe this'll be worthless in the end

Like a snake eating its own tail

Her thoughts were broken when she saw a hand snatch one of the made sandwiches She turned and saw Idia holding it in his mouth as he grabbed other snacks

She grimaced

This was her housewarden?

“Idia, you do know that's for Rigel, right?”

He glanced at her, now holding the sandwich “Hm? Oh, yeah, I do.”

She slightly scowled

“Then why did you take it?”

He sighed, slightly scowling “I honestly don't see the point in you making food for him. He's not going to eat it. Plus, you're acting as if he's anorexic or something.” He sighed

“As sweet as what you're doing for him is, it's ultimately pointless.”

She stared at him

Appalled, in all honesty

A man, who grew up with Rigel, a man who's more of a brother to him than she is a sister Calling her efforts futile

“.... Are you fucking kidding me?”

“E-eh?” Idia squeaked, slightly shocked by her language

“Idia, do you actually pay attention to your dorm mates?”

He opened this mouth to answer only for her to continue “Oh who am I kidding, of course you don't. You're a housewarden and you can't match the faces to names of IRL people, but you do it easily in games.”

“Idia, you grew up with Rigel, you know everything about him so how the actual fuck are you going to stand there and tell me that my efforts are useless when you, of all people, should know, that Rigel's diet consists of nothing but lead, plastic, metal, dirt, wood, cardboard— Things that have no business being in anyone's diet tract, is in his!” She yelled at him, her hand slamming against the counter as she gestured to the outside

Where Rigel was

Idia shuffled nervously underneath her words

Perse was mad

Maybe her anger was directed to Idia and not doing anything sooner

Maybe it was the world

Everyone. Everything. Who knows.

Rigel heard them to

It was hard not too

Especially since some students made mumbled on how Perse when she's mad sounds like a banshee

Rigel leaned against the doorway, listening to the one sided argument between his sister and Idia

“— Maybe if you weren't so preoccupied with your own devices, you'd have known that Rigel is suffering, and-” Her voice went silent and dead as Rigel finally decided to enter

“Hey, guys!” He grinned at the two, pretending to not notice the red tips of Idia's hair turn blue again

“Ri-Rigel, how long were you there?” Perse asked

“Oh, I just got here!” He grinned at her

Idia grumbled slightly, not believing Rigel for a second but not questioning it

“I- I see… Well, I- I made you some food for later.” Perse gestured to the sandwiches she made

“Oooh! They all look so good! You didn't have to, you know that, right?” Perse nodded

The demon shifted slightly, tugging at his cloak as he stared at the pieces of food she made him

“... I'll eat it later.” He said as he grabbed some bags to put them in for later

“You'll at least have one of them for lunch, right?” She asked as she placed a hesitant hand on his shoulder

“Of course!” He lied with his black grin

His teeth reflecting the fluorescent blue lights of Ignihyde “Now, you look tired, how about you go rest?” He asked a small tilt of his head

“Well… I guess I am a little tired..” she grumbled slightly, running a hand through her hair and softly tugging at her ponytail, “I suppose a quick nap wouldn't hurt..” she mumbled with a shrug

“There ya go!” Rigel softly nudged her to the door, “you go have a nice nap, and we'll wake you if we either need anything or it's dinner.”

“Now don't keep me sleeping for that long, Idia might start a fire.” The two laughed as Rigel gave her a quick hug before she left

He turned to Idia whom also left the room, his arms filled with some snacks and such

He sighed as he backed up, leaning against the counter as his nails dug into the marble, his breath slightly quickening for whatever reason

There was nothing wrong as of this moment

But Perse's unnecessary care and love

She made this for him

For whatever reason

He stared at the bags with the sounds of nails against marble filling the silence

He wasn't going to eat them, of course

He never ate the food she gave unless she was in the room with him

He sighed as he reached took an empty bag that pulled out with another

Stuffing the plastic into his mouth as his teeth began to dig and tear, allowing it to become swallowable

His mouth made the chewing motion a few more seconds before stopping, a soft scowl forming on his features as his mind raced

Maybe—

He heard footsteps and saw a student enter

“Eh?- Oh, hello, Rigel-Senpai.” The student greeted

“Hey….”

There was an awkward silence as they two stared at another

The student went to leave, deciding that whatever he wishes to grab wasn't worth it

“Hey.” Rigel called out before they left

“Do you want a sandwich?” He smiled sweetly to the boy

tag list: @midnightmah07(hi again!)

(first time doing something like this, so if I messed up on anything, pls don't hesitate to tell me)

#twisted wonderland oc #twisted wonderland original character #twst fanfiction #disney twisted wonderland #twst #the siblings ever #I love them sm I swear #I need to make custom tags too-

[69ottersinatrenchcoat]

🔥 has been encouraging us through messages to post as ourselves on here.

So hello! I'm.. not meant to say my name? Eh, name's Link, but I go by Wild too. Introject from, Surprise-surprise, the Legend of Zelda, specifically breath of the wild/tears of the kingdom, however I have been around in our system since...well, it was Twilight Princess and Link's Crossbow training on the Wii and the body was much shorter!!

Please bear in mind I have had time to come to terms with being an introject and have had a significant amount of time to research DID to understand it better (isn't the human brain fascinating?), and to research and learn what is considered fact/fiction to this world.

Do what you will with these

Introject thoughts and stupid things I've done

- I miss home. Always. Constantly. I have a constant longing for a home that... supposedly doesn't even exist. And no one to talk about it with.

- doubting my legitimacy because home feels SO real, but it not being real here.

- finding my source is not only a video game but a whole bunch of stories written by random strangers who..know too much about me- I picked up an eating disorder and sexual trauma from a fanfiction someone in our system read! (Apparently the system already has them, but still..)

- I shut down incredibly hard when I was told I'm not at home originally..

- having to mask who I am, more than just being a system. I've had to change my phrasing of "that reminds me of that time at home" to, give or take "that reminds me of a game". It's the worst stab to the heart I've ever experienced.

- Body tolerance for exercise: if you know anything of Zelda, I spent a LOT of time running around Hyrule, and my fitness levels were.. well above what our body is. I get winded and wheezy so fast now! And I hate it! And hylia forbid I try to climb something!

- I feel terrible for every time I made comments on periods being "not that bad". Now I've experienced one first hand, I can understand why Zel got emotional and desperately clingy if she was bleeding (I started calling periods the blood moon and our system has picked up on it!)

- chronic pain is terrible. I always had slightly achy joints, but experiencing chronic pain, even with the number of injuries I had, is still dreadful.

- ........please, I forget I don't have a p3n1s. Standing up to pee is not going to happen, at least not tidily. Same with literal toilets.. I still- don't- like them. 😅

- Not knowing what memories are body memories and pseudo memories built by story origins

- discovering not only do I have memories from home, I have memories of trauma that happened within the body.

- seeing sculptures, posters, art, etc made and owned by people who you don't know is incredibly disconcerting and uncomfortable

- I'm autistic (..🐚 says {he's also autistic, and my doting boyfriend..} I'm 'very autistic, it's painful to watch'). Learning what Autism is has been interesting! And explained so much!

- the body's mother, when she realized who I was, told me not to try jumping off cliffs as "I can't respawn" ????? In some worlds do you mean to tell me you can die more than once??

- i miss my friends and found family

- being both an interject and an age regressor. Normally I'm 18, almost 19 years old, but on occasion slip as young as 3 years, it has been..very strange, and terrifying.

- one of my first thoughts when I turned up here was that I'd have lost the age regression, ED, PTSD, and OCD tendencies, but no, they got worse.

- Non-binary has a name here. It's amazing.

- No one knows who I am here. I adore it.

~Link 🗡️

#did fictive #did introject #loz link #link #botw #fictive #introject #introject introduction #posted by 🗡️

[jtkys]

Oh,that’s not what I meant at all

Jeff fucking hates himself to the point where it’s not funny

He is constantly cutting himself open wherever a knife can reach

His mouth scars are ridiculously deeper than at first because he cuts them that way,and he’s don’t it so much he can’t even feel pain there anymore

Also this one’s bit more sad

He can’t stand to see his reflection in the mirror or anytype of glass,because he hates what he looks like now and can’t stand looking at himself like that

He genuinely can’t believe that’s his body at sometimes and that’s who he is now,he’s still proud of being a killer and all but he has his moments

He actually has all of the windows in his room covered because he can’t stand looking at himself in them,he also doesn’t have a mirror in his bathroom

So he always looks like absolute shit,bed head hair,bloodstains in places he can’t reach in the shower that eh doesn’t know are there,etc

He also has terrible self care to the point where anyone else in the mansion is concerned about it

And I guess since I’ve already talked about Jeff enough might as well go on more of a tangent

He is ridiculously thin and lanky

He has an eating disorder and sometimes just refuses to eat or says he genuinely doesn’t feel the need to eat,and he’s is so skinny you could probably wrap your whole hand around his neck(he’d never let someone get that close but ya know)

I don’t care what gets said,he wouldn’t kill an animal he genuinely likes them and thinks they deserve to live no matter how short it may be

He has killed people for the simple reason they had something he wanted,

hot day and he wants a popsicle?he’s killing some one for it

You have a sweater he thinks is cool?he’ll rip it off you and kill you after cause he wants it

Doesn’t kill children either,they’re to young,maybe if they become shitty people(or just a normal person) in the future then yeah he’ll kill ‘em but now he would t hurt a child

He also has let some people go,but In really weird situations

He once saw a person getting jumped in an alley by a guy with a gun and he kills the guy and let the person go,not outta sympathy or anything for the simple reason he didn’t feel like killing them

-👾

Oh well now I’m crying now I feel bad for bro

HHHHH THE ED AND SH THINH JAS ME BAWLING IDGAF IF HE WOULD HURT ME THIS MAN NEEDS LOVE 💔💔

Isn’t the not killing animals or kids thing canon?? Like his creator literally said that i think, either way I absolutely love that bwvaue Idek. I just. I love it.

[tinyredpoppies]

I hate being curvy 😑

#i hate that my body looks so feminine and I'll never be able do anything about it #my hips will always be this wide and I've always been large chested regardless of weight #even if i wear the exact same outfit as a man or masculine presenting person it doesn't translate the same #i always look cute and soft and girly #and that was useful when i was in the closet and trying to suppress myself but now it makes me - dysphoric? #I've never liked my curves but it is especially present now that i am moving towards the presentation that i am comfortable with #eh i better get used to just being stuck in this body #i am hoping that working out and focusing on muscle building will make me look a little less curvy and feminine #i just gotta be careful bc it doesn't take more than a hop skip and a jump back into eating disorder land #ed mention #ed tw #dysphoria tw #negative tw #personal #k texts

[archvampyr]

tw: eating disorderd, eating  and weight - if you don’t wanna read this, don’t worry, I’m fine :)

Also I will not recommend reading this to people looking for any type of inspo - the chance of it all ending actually well is very very tiny. My mental health seems to be very very strong and it ended well for me - not sure if it will for you.

So this the story of my weight loss journey. A very crazy weight loss journey, 2012 to 2014. I NEVER had an eating disorder but definitely had a lifestyle similar to many people with ed. Well, less miserable. Much much less.

So it all started in spring 2012, when my mum took me to the dietician. I was very very happy about it - even at the age of 12 I knew that slow weight loss based on professional tips and recipes is the best option. I was weighted, proportions of fat, muscle, bone, water etc in my body were measured and after the visit they gave me a small book with recipes. I had to weigh my food, count carbs, protein, etc - pretty normal. The goal was to lose 2-3 kgs in a month.

(This is a good time to say this - I’m definitely a pro body positivity person - no one should follow beauty standards just because of it. If you have some extra kgs but it doesn’t affect your life and you feel happy - no need to lose weight! But I also think glorifying obesity is not ok - it can seriously lead to much more serious illnesses. I’m always against fat shaming -  It’s NEVER ok to shame people based on their bodies, especially now, when McDonalds is cheaper than vegetables in some places and some people don’t have many more choices.)

I started my journey very successfuly - I wasn’t hungry, everything went fine, I lost 2-3 kgs (of fat - I was in training to become a professional swimmer and as we know, muscles are heavier than fat. My body components were measured sepparately) per month. Aaaand summer fucked up all of my progress. I broke many rules of my diet because of summer fruits, especially watermelon - yes, I know it’s low in calories, but has way too much sugar, my diet wasn’t curated for that. I gained a bit, but surprisingly, my reaction was very mature - now 12, I was like “eh, my fault, I’ll just fix this, the world won’t end”. So I did. I was back on track.

In autumn 2012, precisely November 24th (I keep journals), I realised I basically became goth. I loved gothic lolita the most, victorian and romantic goth interested me too - but it was the early 2010s, how could you possibly wear alternative fashion and be overweight? (Note: yes you can do than, you don’t need to be thin to be goth! But that was my mindset at the time...) In early spring I became very determined to lose all of my excess weight - so determined in fact, I ditched the healthy diet curated by a doctor and took matters into my own hands - from around 1300 kcal per day I went to 500. I was totally looking at thinspo - mainly skinny gothic lolitas, skipping meals etc. No dairy, no fruits and no fats at all - please don’t do what I did, especially fats are important. I was also excercising 40 minutes every day + swimming trainings on Wednesdays and Saturdays - sadly my muscles became way too weak and after a while I had to quit the team - and I was the best swimmer of them all back in the day. That’s the saddest part for me, especially because my cousin was a multi medalist in swimming and her husband is in Poland’s volleyball team (he was in Tokyo Olimpics in 2021 for example). But ok, whatever - now I’m and oldie and honestly... Looking at my cousin’s hubby and his lifestyle as a professional sportsman - no thank you. Fuck that. But! The weight was dropping and that’s what I cared about. I felt kinda tired - obviously - but all of my goth / jfashion interests made my life really interesting. When reading my journals from that time, I almost never see anything about weight loss - it’s all pretty teacups, frilly dresses and oh no where do I buy cool goth clothes for summer? If I was bummed about anything, it was school - I was a good student, but good students have to study, and I hated that. Same goes for a facebook group I created with my friends - I only posted about music, tea (tea was a big one - not because of “drinking tea and that’s my lunch”, I was just way too into Kuroshitsuji), clothes and cool antiques I bought. I was never too mentally invested.

In August I was just as skinny as I wanted to be - all I’m gonna say is, I went from size XL to XS. Summer vacation was ending and I was so ready to go back to school and show everyone how good I looked. And let me tell you they noticed. Especially my PE teacher. I was getting a lot of compliments - from people that hated me too! And I hated them. But now I was the cool goth girl, and they looked... eh. (Not because of their weight, just bad fashion choices).

I was happy with myself, very happy, so now it was time to stop dieting - I did that gradually and didn’t gain a single kilogram. After that my weight changed a bit in 2016, but I liked the change - my figure is quite hourgalss-ish and around two new kgs looked good. Since then, no changes.

I know this is probably a controversial story - an unhealthy, very restrictive diet actually paid off and to this day I’m happy that I did what I did. If you have an ed and think, yes that’s some egospo for me - no mate. If you have an ed, that’s a mental illness - I wasn’t mentally ill. I learned a bit about eds from Of Herbs and Altars youtube channel (he has a history with ed and makes many videos on the topic), and from what I understand - goal weight doesn’t feel great if you’re anorexic or bulimic. And going back to normal is not a simple decision that you just make in math calss. Ffs I never had a goal weight! I just looked in the mirror - ok lookin good - that was it. I’m probably screaming into the void saying this, but don’t do what I did. Well, you can do what I did at the beginning and go to a dietician.

But yeah, that’s my story, I just wanted to toss it into the internet.

#mine #weight loss #weight loss journey #tw weight #tw ed #tw eating disorder

[yay-depression]

ok here’s the thing. it’s been suggested that i have chronic fatigue syndrome (i think idk?? my therapist said “that sounds like chronic fatigue stuff” and my adolescent doctor said “that sounds more like chronic fatigue” and idk what the fuck that means) but i don’t experience rly bad symptoms.

here are the symptoms i experience

i’m exhausted all the time, never lets up, never gets better with sleep. it started getting really noticeable about four months ago and it’s been bad ever since. but sometimes on good days i get a lot of nervous energy and then i do something like dance for 20 minutes and then i’m dead for three days. but then on bad days walking to the bathroom is exhausting and will just zap all of my nonexistent energy but i still can’t sleep.

i’m in pain, a lot. i’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia so i’m attributing the pain to that. it’s been getting worse recently, my neck hurts from holding my head up

cognitive function is an eh for me. on good days i can do everything normally with only minimal like fuzziness. on bad days i have moments where i can’t recognize numbers or like think of words and form my thoughts properly. but i’ve been tested for seizures and i don’t have those. all my cognitive abilities have been tested and are normal but i just can’t function sometimes.

i get dizzy sometimes. i’ve been told it’s bc i don’t eat enough nutrients but i’ve been trying and eating is hard bc i feel sick and i have an ED. it doesn’t get worse with sitting but standing is kinda hard after a while for pain and for cognitive shit.

symptoms i don’t have:

i don’t get fevers, like, ever.

i don’t throw up

i’ve been checked for multiple autoimmune disorders, all tests have come back negative my immune system is fine i think

i don’t rly get sick but sometimes i just feel much worse than other days for a week at a time maybe.

i can walk every day, sometimes it takes more energy than others but i can always do it.

i don’t think i’m hyper-sensitive to noise more than anyone else who’s ND but i have hyper hearing bc of my anxiety.

i don’t think i’m more hyper sensitive to light than other ppl with light eyes

i’m fine. i’m literally fine almost all of the time i’m just so goddamn tired. i’m so tired, but overall i’m fine and i’m healthy and nothing is wrong with me i just feel awful.

i’m a healthy person but i feel like shit all the time. when i was a kid this is what i would feel like when i was sick and now i’m just like that all the time.

#cfs #me cfs #me #chronic fatigue #chronic fatigue syndrome #fibromyalgia #fibro #spoonie #chronically ill

[vostokovasmelina]

Hey! I truly love your writing 👉👈 Do you think you’d ever write something about a reader battling an eating disorder (preferably anorexia nervosa)? Maybe how the Shelbys would handle her disorder or something of that sort. Thank you if you do it! Good day ⭐️

a/n: i did contemplate whether or not i should accept this request but here’s to me trying to stay objective and not project on an issue i’m way too familiar with. wish me luck xx

trigger warning for obvious reasons, everything under the cut

i decided not to include the taglist here because of the topic xx

TOMMY

we have no record of thomas shelby’s last actual meal in this life - honestly, when did he last eat?? -, so i don’t think he would think too much into it at first

like, he really doesn’t care when and how much people eat since he barely has any interest in food himself

nevertheless, he has always taken your safe upbringing seriously, so he would still be one of the first people to notice the slight changes in your behaviour around food and once he’d get it, his immediate reaction would be anger

not at you, much rather at the certain person or thing that had planted the poisonous seed in your head

he would probably try and sniff around at first, suggesting to take you out for dinner every now and again just to see your reaction

and despite his cold dead heart being unable to feel genuine human emotions, tommy would have a knot tightening in his stomach every time he saw you tossing your food around on your plate

as he watched your clothes getting baggier, he would probably just blurt it out with no warning - he would finally ask you about all this

and yeah, you might try to deny it at first but tommy would see through all the bullshit and you’d eventually have to tell him otherwise he wouldn’t let you out of his office anymore

and after you’ve cried on his shoulder, he would get to work immediately and would probably go out of his way to help you get back on the right track

and would stick with you through thick and thin, cos tommy can be a good big brother when he wants to be, okay?

ARTHUR

okay, we’ve already established that arthur is a mother hen to you and he’s a real softie around you

he would always try to protect you from all harm but your disorder would slip his attention for a while

now don’t blame arthur here, he really loves you but an*rexia is a sneaky bitch and the eldest shelby is not necessarily the observer type

he’d probably only notice once you had lost quite a few pounds - and man, would he ask you about it straight-away

he would probably say something like “love, what’s happened to your hugs, eh?” or “i thought you loved *insert any fav type of food here*”

he would be half joking and you would try to shrug it off but the harder you would try, the harder you would stutter and arthur would finally understand there was something serious going on

“who called you fat, y/n? who was that fucker? just say the name, love!”

tommy would have to push him back down into the chair

i don’t think arthur would fully understand the whole emotional aspect of your disorder but he would still try his absolute best to be there for you, even if a bit misinformed at times

and even when he was forcing you to eat his terrible cooking, arthur would have the best intentions

but would always try to hide how worried sick he is

JOHN

he would probably handle it the best?

like, he wouldn’t try to fix you, john would just simply want to make your days at least a little bit bearable by joking around with you and continuing to look at you the same way

he would probably be the one you went to when all the others were getting too much to take

though all this does not mean he would support or would be okay with your ed

i guess he would just understand it a little better (john is an empath, don’t @ me) and would be more patient with you as you stepped on the path to recovery

john would also always reassure you of how beautiful you are and would be super proud of you every time you managed to eat a meal no matter the size

he would just be the most supportive big brother :(

ADA

she would be bloody worried, honestly, but would always try to keep that a secret from you

sometimes she would break down though, and you two would cry together or something dramatic of that sort but she’d always try her best to build you up

ada would spend more time with you, so she could keep an eye on you and also to cheer you up on your worst days

she would definitely encourage you and sometimes even push you to eat more since she wouldn’t want you to pass out on the streets of small heath

she would still kind of understand it and would always take ‘no’ for an answer - ada would never want to force anything on you

she would also fix your clothes if they got too baggy and would always listen to whatever you wanted to talk about

but wouldn’t treat you as a special case and you could always count on her if you wanted to go out and do something fun to forget about your ed for a few hours

ada would be the absolute most responsible big sister and would be your biggest help as you learnt how to eat normally again

POLLY

of course she would be the first to find out

probably quite early on and probably in some nasty way

like finding half-rotten food hidden deep in your wardrobe

and you can bet your ass she would be real pissed off

like, pol would probably perform a whole 20-minute long monologue and would cut you if you tried to cut her off

it would seem like she didn’t understand and was angry with you

but, just like tommy, she would actually be pissed at whatever started this in you - she would simply take out her frustration on you

once she collected herself and cooled down, though, she would pull you in for the tightest hug and silently swear to protect you forever and look after you better

she would be discreet about it around the boys though but would “plot” your recovery together with tommy in secret

polly would be surprisingly patient and understanding, however, she would definitely push you a bit more than ada

and it might seem like she was hard on you, her heart would actually ache at the sight of your shrinking clothes and she would want to do anything to make you feel better

FINN

finn wouldn’t get what’s going on

he wouldn’t understand how you could hate your body so much to go all this way to change it

and it would actually take a toll on him, seeing you like this

please, don’t make lil finn sad :(

he thinks you’re utterly beautiful and deserving of all the love in the world - including your own

#anonymous #tw: eating disorder #peaky blinders #peaky blinders x reader #peaky blinders headcanon #peaky blinders preferences #peaky blinders x sister!reader #shelby sister #tommy shelby #tommy shelby x reader #thomas shelby #thomas shelby x reader #arthur shelby #arthur shelby x reader #john shelby #john shelby x reader #ada shelby #ada shelby x reader #polly gray #polly gray x reader #finn shelby #finn shelby x reader

[carrotzcake]

*I am not trying to self-diagnose nor do i recommend self-diagnosing. see a professional specialized in whatever may be ailing you (physical and/or mental-difficulty seeing? see an eye doctor. worried about your own thoughts/feelings all the time? psychiatrist.)

I have never been told by a mental health practitioner that i definitively have BPD. i've seen "bpd like tendencies" written on treatment plans but I think that's more a result of self-harming behaviors.

my thoughts on whether each BPD symptom applies to me

1.Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned. yes, but isn't everyone afraid of being vulnerable?

2. A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation). yes, partially because of maladaptive behaviors to manage emotions (ED, alcohol, etc which disrupts relationships) and due to my fear of abandonment/rejection, all of which stem from zero self-worth

3. Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self. how is anyone supposed to know that? yeah, i have a particular sense/image of myself but it's inherently going to be different than yours because you're you and experience me in different ways? who's to say i have a distorted self-image?

4. Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating. Please note: If these behaviors occur primarily during a period of elevated mood or energy, they may be signs of a mood disorder—not borderline personality disorder. yes

5. Self-harming behavior, such as cutting historically, yes, but literally everyone i know engages in self-harming behavior? just maybe not as overt?

6. Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats eh not really

7. Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days a big part of me not feeling like BPD applies to me comes down to this symptom in particular. i've never felt emotionally dysregulated but i've also never actually given myself the space (since i was 13-14) to feel my emotions? so now that i'm actually doing this whole recovery thing for real, i do feel very dysregulated/overwhelmed but maybe i'm just not used to it

8. Chronic feelings of emptiness yes. this was a big reason i began self-harming behaviors in adolescence-also due to issues w/ interpersonal relationships soo

9. Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger ...i mean, i think it's justified? but i have received feedback that i'm 'overreacting'

10. Difficulty trusting, which is sometimes accompanied by irrational fear of other people’s intentions i think people (@songfortheasking) would say yes on this one(?)

11. Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself, seeing oneself from outside one’s body, or feelings of unreality it's a no on this one

#borderline personality disorder #bpd #mental health #mental illness #recovery

[purplesurveys]

1083

surveys by chasingghosts

Just a boring word association survey inspired by one of my old ones. Say the first thing that comes to your head. Don't overthink it :)

Keyboard: Monitor.

Dog: Dalmatian.

School: Pencils.

Italy: Roman Holiday. Ahh one of my favorite movies; such a classic.

Fire: BTS, heh.

Table: Chairs.

Mask: Face mask. New normal and all.

Blanket: Weighted blankets. I still don’t get how they work and I keep imagining that a 20-lbs blanket would feel too warm...I guess I’m willing to try it for a night, but I dunno if I would want to spend 5,000 bucks on one.

Gun: That curly-haired blonde dumbass from the US who keeps bringing one around.

Soda: Fizzy. Do not like.

Man: Trash.

Beautiful: Beast. Beautiful and the Beast is the knockoff version, hahaha.

Country: Roads.

Dictionary: Thesaurus.

Play: Playgrounds.

Yoga: Mat.

Cross: Country.

Happy: Emojis.

Change: Coins.

Orange: The fruit with the same name. Also, hair dye.

Cereal: Fruity Pebbles and Lucky Charms.

Record: Vinyl records, aka what I would like to invest in eventually.

Jail: The Shawshank Redemption, even though I personally didn’t really like it lmao.

Tank: This made me think of the Elisa Lam case. It’s unfortunate what happened to her but personally, I’ll always be more disturbed by the stories of people who had to drink or bathe in that nasty contaminated water.

Plane: Travel. :(

Machine: Factories.

Empty: Outer space.

Medicine: Nasty taste. Whenever I was sick as a kid my parents/grandma always made me drink Tempra which tastes like shit and it took a lot of effort for me not to throw them back up. I hope kids these days have more better-tasting options for medicine.

Stockings: Uncomfortable. I hate stockings and always dread occasions where I’ll have to put them on. Fortunately I haven’t had to for five years now.

Curry: Spicy and aromatic.

Football: Superbowl. Or is it SuperBowl? Super Bowl? Anyway, that event.

Blonde: Jennifer Aniston, heheh.

Pink: Barbie.

Cart: Online shopping.

Bag: Herschel.

Bourbon: Breaking Bad, though I’m not sure if it was indeed bourbon that Hank/Walt regularly drank. First thing that came to mind, though.

Karaoke: Philippine parties.

Caterpillar: That chemical they release when they’re stepped on.

Wizard: Harry Potter.

Number: Queues, lol.

Tired: Myself.

Baby: Baby videos.

Beach: Moana.

Castle: The first thing I thought of is this big orange castle - that is actually an inn - that I would have to pass by every single morning on my way to school, from kinder to high school. It looked like such a pretty, magical castle as a kid and I, along with probably all of my schoolmates who went the same route, thought a real princess lived in it; it just felt that magical. But as I got older I realized most inns/hotels with outlandish gimmicks are the cheap and tacky ones, so the magic was ruined for me as the years went by, haha.

Rock: Patrick Star from Spongebob, since he lives under one.

Hotel: Top-notch hospitality and service.

Weather: Gloomy.

Beanbag:  Comfort.

Clean: Vacuum cleaners...and my mom.

Angry: Rage.

--

I was inspired to make this when I saw a similar survey on here. Answer true or false, or simply mark an 'x' for what applies to you.

Michelle:

You love anything Disney related. I mean not anything? I wouldn’t want Disney merch of every single thing that could be turned into merch; but I do love Disney movies and they have always been great at creating songs that make you feel all magical and giddy inside.

You find any excuse to go shopping. False. I haven’t created a hobby out of shopping; at least not yet, I think. But going inside H&M several times for the past month to buy gifts for my friends has definitely helped in making me see the appeal of shopping. For now, though, I’d still rather do my browsing and shopping in non-clothing stores.

You’re younger than most of your friends. False. I have older and younger friends, but most of them are also 1998 babies since most of my friends are the people I went to school with.

You have really long hair, to your waist or longer. False. It has gotten a lot longer over the past year, but it’s still only up to my upper chest.

You’re pretty antisocial. False. I don’t like throwing this term around loosely because it’s a real personality disorder. I have also gotten more comfortable with people in the last few years and I don’t prefer to be alone anymore.

You have a pet dog/cat that sleeps in your bed with you. False. Either are terrible in staying in bed.

You haven’t had your first kiss yet. False. I had it six years ago, and I have shared hundreds and probably thousands of kisses after that.

You’re Asian. We finally got one! Haha.

You’re good at cooking. Yeah, this is the biggest false statement in this category.

You have dreams of working as a chef. I can see how it’s appealing, but it was never a career dream of mine. My dad is a chef, though.

Cheyenne:

You’re blonde, but not naturally. I currently don’t have plans to dye my hair blonde.  

You always have your fingernails painted. False. I’m the complete opposite of this, but I do want to start having my nails painted professionally as a way to pamper myself from time to time.

You obsess over things easily, to the point of them taking over your life. True, I guess. I get very sensitive and I overthink and overanalyze a lot of actions and situations that aren’t meant to be more than what they actually are. Just last night and this morning I had a bunch of dreams that had to do with a work-related problem I ran into last night. When I feel anxious about something, they would undoubtedly take over my life and it would take a while to break free from them.

You spend a lot of time on the internet. For almost every single minute that I am awake, yes. Sometimes I’ll attempt to disconnect every now and then - which I’ve been better at, to be fair to myself - but it’s always only a matter of time before I will have to look something up on Google.

Your phone may as well be surgically attached to your hand. True. I will occasionally turn it completely off so that no notifications come in, especially during weekends and holidays; but it stays close to me all the same.

You use Snapchat way too much. False. Not anymore, but I definitely used too. I had Snap streaks of varying lengths with a lot of my friends back then. 

You eat a lot of fast food. True and I don’t really feel bad about it, lmao. I love food that tastes good.

You love a bit of gossip. Also true. Not my nicest trait but I do like to keep updated. I mostly receive them though; I never spread or start any myself.

You’re really good at keeping secrets. It’s not my story to tell, so yes, true. I used to share secrets only with Gabie since she was very forgetful, but obviously I don’t have that kind of person anymore.

You’ve never had a boyfriend/girlfriend. False. I’ve had one and we had two stints together.

Morgan:

You work as a receptionist. False, but my mom used to be one. This was before she made the transfer to a more corporate workspace as a secretary.

You eat a lot of food yet you’re still so thin. True. Runs in both sides of the family.

Your siblings are your best friends. My sister and I have a very casual relationship, and while we’re on great terms we don’t do cheesy nor sentimental. I’m not on speaking terms with my brother.

Not many people see your face without makeup. False. Everybody sees me without makeup all the time precisely because I don’t like putting makeup on.

You spend your money carelessly. I can, especially when it comes to spoiling myself or other people. But I am also equally good at saving if I have to.

You dream of living overseas one day. I can confidently tell you that a lot of Filipinos consider this because the situation here hasn’t been stable for the longest time – politically, because we’ve always been led by incompetent heads; economically, because of the Marcoses’ dictatorship and abuse of power and the country’s funds; and socially, because of all the backward, Catholic stances that my country continues to stand for. I would love to live in a place where I wouldn’t be glared at for holding a girl’s hand or where most people are educated enough to vote responsible people into office.

You have a penpal. False. Never had one, never been interested in finding one.

You’re older than most of your friends. False. I vibe the best with people my age so even if I do have some younger friends, my comfort zone are with those who are also 22.

Most of your friends live out of town. An overwhelming majority of them live in Metro Manila, yes. I live just right outside so technically I’m the one who lives ~out of town~

You swear like a sailor. Eh, not anymore. I still let out a number of swear words daily, though. Just not in every sentence.

Tom:

You have so many nicknames that it’s hard for you to keep track. False. I have a grand total of one nickname, and even that is just reserved for family. Most people just call me Robyn.

You have large feet. False as well. My feet are small and can easily slip into size 5 or 6 shoes.

Most of your friends are of the opposite sex. Can’t say this is true. I can only think of one guy friend, who is Hans. I haven’t been able to keep up with my other friends, like JM and Ed, since most of them are busy with either law or med school, and simply because Covid has kept us from seeing each other.

Romantic relationships make you shy and nervous. Getting into one does. Once settled I’m pretty comfortable, mainly because I enjoy nothing more than looking out for the people I love. I’m not looking for a relationship though; not anytime soon.

You watch reality shows religiously. Eh, I wouldn’t describe it as ‘religiously’ but I do watch my fair share of them from time to time when I just want stupid, too-easy-to-digest content.

Pop music is your favourite. One of my favorites. I used to be shy about liking Top 40 songs but the older I get the more I realized that that’s music snobs’ problem and shouldn’t be mine.

Family is very important to you. Only because I’m Asian and family being ~important comes as a default the moment I was born. I’m not emotionally close with them though and they honestly probably wouldn’t weigh so much if I had to make major decisions, like migrating to the other side of the world or having a civil wedding.

You’re the youngest child in your family. False - complete opposite. I am the eldest.

You call your mother by her first name. False. Save for others who may not have the best relationships with their mothers, why would someone do this? :/

You dream of living in a big city one day. True. Yeah, absolutely. Give me all the construction noises and busy traffic and skyscrapers. I feel like I would be the most alive I’ve ever been once I start to live in a loud and hectic big city.

Harry:

You’re determined and motivated in all aspects of your life. Not always. That sounds exhausting. I allow myself to take a breather every now and then; and if I want to be unproductive for a while, I don’t ban myself from being so.

You’re much taller than the majority of your friends. Haha, definitely false. I belong to the smaller batch. I had a massive growth spurt from ages 9-10 but then it just kinda stopped there lol.

You go to the gym at least three days a week. Not the gym, but I do work out from home with that frequency.

You care a lot about your appearance. Ehhh I’m gonna say false. Having to stay/work from home does that. I like dressing up when I get to go outside though, since I seldom get to do it.

You’re a social butterfly. Trueish. I do like being around people more and more now, yeah; but of course, it’s still a work in progress for me. One thing I’m sure if is that I’m definitely not as introverted as I used to be and I have no problem opening up in a group.

You party almost every weekend. I’d love to, but can’t do that for the meantime.

You’re very straightforward and never repeat yourself. Ideally, yes. I like to move on quickly from things and settle them as fast as I can.

You love to write and have been told you’re talented. I do like to write, just not fiction stuff. Writing is my main talent and so I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on it over the years.

You consider yourself intelligent. Booksmart, at least.

You’re a bit of a player. Like, when it comes to relationships and flirting? ...Hell no. Again, very straightforward person lmao I’m either in a relationship or not.

Zack:

You’re in a band. False. Never been and never been interested.

You’re straight-edge. HAH, remember when I claimed to be edge when I was a teenager...I will say that listening to punk throughout high school and being familiar with the straight edge scene gave me a sense of belonging for a time, and it taught me so many important mindsets like positive mental attitude. But I can admit to myself that straight edge was a commitment I failed at, and as the saying goes, “If you’re not now, you never were.” I’ll always be thankful to the movement for helping me keep going during my tough teenage years, though.

You can play two or more instruments. Will it count if I say I know how to play the recorder, maracas, and the triangle? Hahahahaha but in all seriousness, I believe I don’t deserve to bold this.

You’re an uncle/aunt. I’m a godmother, which is pretty much aunt status in the Philippines. My godson is my first cousin though, and him being my cousin takes precedence over the fact that he is my godson.

You love Doctor Who. False. Never got into it.

You’re short for your age and most of your friends tower over you. I’m shorter, thinner, and look younger for my age. Long story short, I look like I’m 16 and I’m the one who gets ID’d the most whenever I enter bars or malls. I always feel triumphant whenever I get to show my driver’s license to judgy bouncers or security guards who look at me all conceitedly, though.

You’ve been cheated on before. False. My ex is heavily against cheating, and I always trusted her.

You have a big family. Any Asian would bold this, let’s be real. My immediate family itself is small with only 5 members; but my entire family – 1st cousins, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins (and so on), cousins-in-law, cousins of cousins, aunts- and uncles-in-law, great-aunts/uncles and all – would amount to hundreds of relatives.

You have a nap every single day, without fail. Can’t do that as I have a busy 8-hour shift each weekday and I make up for it during weekends by drinking multiple cups of coffee a day.

You’re mostly quiet, but you can be loud when the situation calls for it. Definitely true. Or when I’m with the right mix of people.

Jenny:

You’re really good with computers. False. I know most things a Gen Z-er would know about, like basic spreadsheet formulas, keyboard shortcuts, how to retrieve files that crashed – basically the stuff that would let me survive at work; but to this day, I will still ask my much-techier sister how to download fonts or open ZIPs or compress photos.

You’re shy. At first; but I no longer have a hard time warming up to new people or situations.

You underestimate yourself often. True. While I know this isn’t a very good trait of mine, I find that it’s actually helpful sometimes? Setting my expectations low helps make me proud of myself whenever I succeed or excel at a task. In the long run, I’m okay with this mindset.

You recently moved house. The last time I did this was in 2008. I’m not looking to move out any time soon either as I make far from enough to afford even just renting a place.

You have a German Shepherd. False. The only people I know who own one is Chelsea’s family, but it’s been like five years since I saw that dog.

You wear baggy clothes. False. Not my style.

You almost always wear a beanie. False. I am never seen with a beanie and I only wear one when I’m in places with a much colder climate than Manila, like Baguio.

You have long hair if you’re a boy, and short hair if you’re a girl. Also false. My hair has since gotten a lot longer, and I’m due for another trim.

You recently got out of a really long relationship. True. Not my choice, but true.

You’re in a band. Again, never been.

Emily:

You’re a really good drawer. You mean an artist? False. At 22, I can only promise you stick figures.

You can’t help but doodle on anything you see. If there’s a pen and scratch paper lying around that are free to use, I will most definitely use up the whole page. Instead of doodling, though – since I can’t draw – I write things, practice my penmanship to make sure it hasn’t gotten all rusty, and whatnot. 

You want a career in art. False. That career path has always been paved for my sister.

You’re basically a personal taxi service for your friends who can’t drive. Hahaha this was essentially me in pre-pandemic days. Driving is such a simple good deed for someone considering the shitty public transportation in my country, and I would’ve been an asshole if I didn’t do anything to help my friends out.

Jeans and band shirts are your favourite thing to wear. Mom jeans and just *t-shirts are overall a great casual combo that never gets dated; but I don’t do band shirts.

You’re always wearing a necklace and lots of wristbands/bracelets. False. I would love more jewelry, though.

You have a lot of piercings on your ears. Also false. I’m not interested in piercings.

Your hair is currently an unnatural colour. False. It’s just black.

Not many people see your loud and boisterous side. I save this for my super super close friends.

You have several friend groups which you move between often. I can think of three off the top of my head.

Jack:

You always seem to have a boyfriend/girlfriend. This was me for six yearssssss, haha. The image I held for the longest time is that I was off the market and was in a happy, fulfilling, long-term relationship; so these days, it can get kinda fun watching people fumble around, not used to seeing me single again after what feels like a lifetime.

You have a fear of being single. I used to, only because I was taken for a really long time. I didn’t know if singlehood would work out for me, or how I would handle it. It took some getting used to but I’m happy now. I’m not looking to date, much less consider jumping into another romantic relationship.

When you’re not in a relationship, you’re a big flirter. Not at all. The flirting/dating scene is just not for me.

You are really sensitive and sympathetic towards your friends. I mean...like any good friend? Lmao.

Music means a lot to you. It doesn’t keep me alive per se, but sure.

You often overdo it when you drink alcohol. I wouldn’t say so. I like chugging a lot within the first 30 minutes (which helps because I’m low-tolerance and get lit way earlier than others do lol) but because I’ve always had to drive myself home after drinking nights in college, I’ve been conditioned to still be responsible with my alcohol and to start sobering up 2 hours before I have to leave.

You have no shame and love to be silly and have fun. I do like having fun in many ways, but I am probably the most rigid among my friends. I don’t really like doing silly dares or skits or dances in public.

You’re impulsive and this isn’t always a good thing. I’m working on it and have been better at it over the last few months. Now I take more time to think about things and weigh them out before I make a decision.

You have facial hair. False. There’s some light hair above my lip, nothing super thick or recognizable.

You have a baby brother/sister. False. I have younger siblings but I call neither of them my baby sibling because they are 20 and 17, lmao.

Nicole:

You’re madly in love with your significant other. I don’t get to answer this anymore. If you met me at an earlier time I would’ve gladly said yes, though.

You want to get married when you’re young. False. I want to get married when I feel mature enough and financially capable of handling a marriage and the things that can come out of a marriage, like a house and kids.

You’re quite petite. I’m naturally petite, yes. I’ve always been on the skinny side and I’m also shorter than most of my friends.

You dye your hair regularly. False. It has stayed black all my life, but I do want to experiment with green.

It’s almost impossible for you to feel the cold. False. I’m very sensitive to the cold and will shiver easily in an air-conditioned room.

You’re really good at flattering other people. Sure, I like giving compliments and reassurances.

You’re very self-conscious. And very insecure sometimes, yeah.

You find it difficult to make new friends. Sure, but only because I like to control the people that are in my circle. I’m not desperate to have hundreds of friends so this isn’t an issue for me.

People often stereotype you as emo. I have never gotten this before.

You’ve come a long way in the past couple of years. What can I say? Been through a lot, been through hell and back, been discarded and doubted, but I’m still here.

The end.

Who were you most like? Cheyenne. Cute name, too.

#survey #surveys #multiple surveys

[not-close-to-straight]

Our Pleasure Ch 6 was so—so—AKCNHEJXBS!! GOD! Ty is SUCH a freakin prick!! HE WOULDN’T EVEN LET TONY EAT MORE THAN HALF HIS PLATE OF FOOD??? HE LOCKED HIM AWAY FROM HIS AUNT’S FUNERAL??? RAGE!!! Pepper is, once again, a complete Goddess, I love her to itty bitty pieces. And Mr. Lee’s back! I love his cameos so much ❤️ Overall, my reaction to this chapter has been: I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING 😭❤️

I love love Pepper in every universe, and of course Mr. Lee is back. I have this whole Thing about him being a tailor all the time because I like to think he had alot to say about his character’s design back in the day? And the idea of him still outfitting our faves to face their battles (whether they are heroes of not in the particular verse) makes me Very Soft. 

Stuff about Tony/Ty under the cut because TW: eating disorder

So the whole “Tony eating his food” scene is like... okay so I’ve had an eating disorder for like... fifteen years now? And it used to be really really bad and then it got a little better and then it got a little worse-- honestly, its just an ongoing thing. And when I went to charm school (thats a completely different story) I was basically told “never finish what’s on your plate, not only does it look greedy but it also will make the hostess feel bad, as if she didn’t offer you enough, you want her to think she offered you TOO MUCH which makes her feel generous” so I only ever used to eat about 3/4 of what was on my plate. Then with my ED, it was an easy excuse to hardly ever eat because “oh it’s rude to clean my plate”. Fact is, I still do it. I have to convince myself some days that it’s okay to eat until I’m full. And that sucks, but so is life, amiright? 

And as I was writing that scene, I kept thinking that an old school Dom like Ty definitely would have given Tony an ED, whether intentional or not, because he would be very strict about how Tony’s body looked (Tony saying he doesn’t like to be naked/doesn’t like to be looked at??) and people who are controlling over their partners bodies definitely contribute to an ED, AND it would probably be some weird “this is how subs act” form of manners/obedience, because let’s face it-- that’s the sort of shit they used to expect from woman all the time. 

Plus, severe stress/anxiety manifests as an ED for LOTS of people, so we’ve already seen Tony say he’s not hungry at least twice in this fic, and then realize after the fact that it had been ages since he’d eaten at all and he needs to eat whether he thinks he’s hungry or not. 

Anyway, I know it was sort of a throw away line, but alot of thought and emotion went into it, and I didn’t mean to ramble for forever but eh, you guys are used to it haha 

[subebonywife-blog]

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[antiproana-margesimpson]

This is kind of awesome.

If you’ve read my FAQ, you  would be familiar with my ED story and why I refused to recover for so many years. I didn’t know what recovery was. I mean, how could I, I lived in an abusive environment and had no access to mental health resources. Weight restoration was so triggering to me that it would cause me to dissociate. And that was the only thing I associated with recovery for years. Pro ana? Eh. That’s nothing. It’s a reflection of my own mindset. Before and after photos, or physical descriptors of weight restored people? Fuck,  my week is ruined, I want to engage in behaviors, I wish I never saw that, etc.

But I read a recovery “imagine,” like, in the style of “imagine you’re at your ugw” but by someone who was anti pro ana. And I didn’t mean to stumble across it. I know exactly how triggering that can be since it talked about being okay with a weight restored body, even though I am in recovery and have been for 4 years so far. Now I know recovery is much more than weight restoration.  Now I know recovery is filling the hole inside me that my eating disorder has been trying to fill. However, it’s hard not to get sucked into the triggering memories of what it felt like to be a weight restored anorexic and honestly those make me want to die.  

And I can say this now. Something shifted. I don’t think I’m as triggered by the topic of weight restoration from anorexia anymore.

It still triggers me. I still had to show my therapist. But I realized...  If you are to seek recovery, at some point, you have to be okay with having a healthier body. It’s like ripping off a band aid. Over and over. But the more work you put into recovery, the easier it will get. And well, I’m finally beginning to accept it. I’m finally beginning to accept that I am weight restored. 

The scary part is it took me a really long time. And the scarier part is, I had a sudden realization of just how sick I was, and still am. Here I was thinking that I wasn’t sick enough for all these years because I was weight restored and not engaging in disordered eating behaviors, nor did I have the compulsions to. But at that moment I realized just how sick I was simply because I had so much pain attached to being physically recovered. I was suddenly alarmed at how sick an individual has to be to feel this way. It didn’t matter that my body didn’t “match” my mindset, I was ridiculously sick this whole time, and my eating disorder blinded me to it. Hell, I was blinded to it years into recovery.

It’s scary. I hate what my ED stole from me. I hate how my ED blinded me. It really does convince you you’re never sick enough to get help.

I’m putting this out there in hopes that it will help someone. I needed stories like mine years ago, but no one spoke out about what it was like to be anorexic and in a weight restored body and committed to managing symptoms. Or at least, if they did, it was incredibly hard to find, especially without stumbling into triggers. It is incredibly invalidating, to be sick and not have that be recognized. To have the world essentially vocalize your eating disorder’s constant reminder that you have to be “sicker” to be valid. I was already sick enough without my eating disorder’s misguided ideas of what “sick enough” is.  

And to clarify, I am against before and after photos and always will be. Those help perpetuate the stigma that eating disorders are matter of losing weight and recovery is all about “looking better.” That message has caused me a world of pain. Yes, physical recovery is an aspect of anorexia recovery, it’s undeniable, and it’s not a bad thing at all. But you’re going to have to put a lot of work into recovering from the mindset and the underlying issues. It takes an average of 7 years, in fact.

I encourage you to start seeking professional help if you can and putting the work in now. It won’t get better overnight, and it will more than likely be unpleasant at the beginning and often throughout the process. There are ups and downs. It’s worth it in the end, and you don’t have to believe you’re sick enough to begin.

#actuallyanorexia #abuse:cw #suicide:cw #death:cw #ask to tag #anorexic dry drunk #eating disorders #personal

[life-with-disordered-eating-blog]

Recovery Q&A – Thanks to (nearly) 100 followers!

This took so long that I’m now posting it to celebrate 95 followers, not 60. Sorry about that! Real life took over; I have also been busy writing my book and a graphic novel, so I had very little time but to post a quick update here and there.

Now, on to your questions and comments about everything you want to know about recovery and/or everything you are scared of. Thanks so much for submitting them. I did my best to back up my words with actual scientific research!

In chronological order:

I’m scared I’m nothing special without my ED: You’re right, you won’t be special. But let me define “special” when it comes to having an eating disorder.

           When you have an eating disorder, “special” might mean you are so thin you might be hospitalised and forced-fed, or might have a heart attack and die like a 90-year-old (bless all 90-year-olds). It might mean you eat nothing during the day and stuff yourself with food all night, then cry yourself to sleep and hide the “crime” from your family out of shame. Or it might mean you have yellow teeth because you make yourself throw up after every meal.

           “Special” might mean you’re the only one who doesn’t get cake at birthday parties or burgers at McDonald’s. It might mean you don’t go out with your friends because you’re scared of skipping a workout and eating at a restaurant. It might mean you aren’t focusing at work or at school because you’re thinking of food and exercise 24/7.

           “Special” might mean you scream at your mother because she dared make you a bowl of pasta so you wouldn’t have to cook once you got back home after a tiring day. It might mean you go into hyperventilation if you step onto the scale and find out you gained half a pound. It might mean you are always tired, your bones are brittle, your legs hurt from too much running, you can’t sleep, and your brain always feels foggy.

           So you’re right, you won’t be special without an eating disorder. At the very least, you won’t be this kind of special. Is this what you really want to be, though? Make sure you answer this question without thinking disordered thoughts. For a second, be yourself, not your eating disorder. Is this what you want?

           Have a look at this website for a quick rundown of the effects EDs have on your body. This is what happens specifically when you’re undereating. And this is what happens to your brain when you have an ED. Scary stuff, eh? I would much rather be a special snowflake because, I don’t know, I love Iron Man when literally everybody else I know (it drives me up the wall) loves C(r)aptain America, not because an eating disorder is turning my organs into a gallery of horrors and my brain into mush.

I’m scared of gaining weight: Of course you are. I’m not being sarcastic. I read this post from Tabitha Farrar about her theory regarding the fear of eating more and gaining weight. It may not be entirely based on scientific evidence, but I still agree with it; moreover, it stems from the theory that anorexia is a response to famine, which is based on scientific research. Shan Guisinger talks about this with Tabitha in this podcast episode.

           I’m scared of gaining weight, too. Once I got to my lowest weight, I was strongly encouraged to eat and was also monitored until I was back at a “normal” weight according to the BMI – which I think is bullshit, by the way, and lots of research back this opinion.   However, at that point I was still not weight restored because my period wasn’t back, but my mother relented because I didn’t look too much like a skeleton anymore. Moreover, I was still not eating anything but my “safe foods” and was exercising much more than necessary. Fast-forward into 2017, four years later, and I’m still stuck in this “semi-recovered” state, where “semi” means I’m not about to die, but I’m not in a healthy mindset or in a healthy body (still no period).

           Yet, despite knowing how much better it’d be if I gained weight, I was still scared of it. I am still scared of it. It’s science. I can’t fight science, but I can fight whatever might trigger the fear more than necessary. I eat, because you can only truly chase away the fear if you eat enough to convince your body you aren’t in a state of deprivation anymore, but I don’t weight myself. I don’t count calories. I don’t weigh my food. I don’t want to know my weight or the weight of my food or the amount of calories I’m eating. I know that’s very likely to trigger the fear, so I avoid it. I also try to avert my attention when I realise the size of the portion on my plate is distressing me. It might sound funny, but it’s actually working for me.

           So take a deep breath, face your fear, and eat some food. Eating and gaining weight may be scary, but the alternative is so much worse.

What if I get fat when I recover? Yeah, tell me about it. What’s helping me deal with that thought is the concept of Health at Every Size. It means you can be healthy at any weight, provided it’s the natural weight you’re supposed to be at. It means you will be strong and fit and able to eat whatever you want, because your body will let you know when you’re eating too little or too much. Here is a bunch of resources that explain this in more depth.

           This makes so much more sense than thinking fat equals ugly. There’s no other explanation for that equation (fat = ugly) other than it’s the way society has developed over the years. Back in Ancient Greece, the ideal of beauty for women was a curvy woman; I’m not talking about a size-8-curvy-woman (UK sizes, by the way), I’m talking about a size-14-plus-curvy-woman. If you go to any museum and look at a Greek sculpture, you will see that the women portrayed look the opposite of what skinny models are like today. I’m not arguing that either society – Ancient Greece or modern society – is better than the other; I’m just pointing out that fat isn’t inherently bad. We were just brought up to see it that way.

           Moreover, I wasn’t born with an eating disorder – thank the gods nobody is! – and I still remember what it was like when I truly followed my intuition and ate and exercised however I liked. I was on the heaviest end of my set point weight range (here is an interesting reading about the set point theory), but I was happy. Furthermore, I was still developing my adult body, therefore it was normal I would weigh a little more than necessary. Your body needs to grow, so it stores more energy than it does when you become an adult; it’s smart that way. The only reason why I was dissatisfied with my appearance was that other people told me I looked ugly because I was “overweight” (in quotes because this is “BMI speech”, which is – just to reiterate – an incomplete measurement of health).

           So yes, maybe I will get fat once I’m weight restored, but I know I can still be healthy and strong, and do amazing things with my life. In fact, when I don’t have a flatmate taking up 90% of my headspace, I’m confident I will take over the world. And if that means my jeans will stop falling off my hips at the most inappropriate time, then so be it.

I hope this post helps you guys find some motivation to recover. I know a lot of you are struggling with starting true recovery. My personal piece of advice, based on what I’ve seen so far on Tumblr, is very simple: deactivate your ED-related account. Make a new one and make sure you only follow recovery blogs, not pro-ana or thinspo blogs. Then throw your scale out of the window (literally; see if you can lift it and, if you aren’t strong enough for that, it’s only one more reason to recover for real). Find someone you trust, tell them about your ED – if they don’t already know – and make sure they can help you through recovery, meaning they will fight you when your ED takes over and you don’t want recovery anymore, but they will also hold you when you’re crying and thinking you’re ugly, and will tell you that you’re beautiful.

           Then you’re all set. You can do it!

#orthorexia #ed recovery #ed challenges #recovery blog #ed problems #health at every size #ed related #eating disorders #q & a session

[edgarvaltinas]

Ina/InaGO Tag Game

This post was originally created by @revivedandabandonedkids and I was tagged by @soyokaze-step to do it, so lets get this show on the road. 

I’m tagging @terestolue to do this. 

Heya what’s your name:

Name’s Kana, nice t’ meet you. 

Favorite character(s):

Edgar Valtinas, Gigi Blasi, Someoka Ryuugo, Teres Tolue, Fideo Ardena, Jikiru Haito, and  Giorgio Giannini

Favorite arc:

The FFI Arc of course!!! 

OTP:

Blasi/Fideo, Teres/Edgar, Someoka/Shirou, Endou/Kidou, Mark/Dylan, and a whole lot more, but those are the big ones.

BroTP:

Oh god I have so fucking many. I guess some big ones are Teres/Leone, Edgar/Phillip, Endou/Gouenji, Someoka/Endou/Handa, Someoka/Handa, Someoka/Sakuma, Fideo/Angelo, and Eddie/Lance 

Any ships that everyone ships but you surprisingly don’t:

Gou//Fubu, Hiro//Mido, En//Kaze, En//Gou, Kyou//Ten, Ran//Taku 

Favorite hissatsu:

Excalibur, Odin Sword, Colloseo Guard, Ryuusei Blade, God Catch, Dragon Slayer

What about combination hissatsu:

Wyvern Blizard, Unicorn Boost, Big Bang, Butterfly Dream, Gran Fenrir

Favorite Keishin:

Hakubishin Tamazusa

Favorite Mixi-max:

I don’t have one.

Favorite Soul:

Konoha’s cute Fox soul

Favorite forward:

Edgar Valtinas, Someoka Ryuugo, Fideo Ardena, Leone Batigo, Dylan Keith, Reina Yagami (there is probably more that I’m forgetting)

Favorite mid-fielder:

Handa Shinichi, Yuukoku Hiroyuki, Mark Kruger, Kidou Yuuto, Giorgio Giannini, Sean Pierce, Zaizen Touko

Favorite defender:

Hijikata Raiden, Tobitaka Seiya, Teres Tolue, uhhhhhh I can’t think of others right now. There needs to be more important defenders

Favorite goalkeeper:

All of them

Favorite manager/girl player (actually, all girls in general):

My favorite manager is Natsumi and my favorite female player is Reina but honestly I love all of the girls. 

Favorite team:

Occult, Orpheus, Knights of Queen

Favorite team uniform:

Orpheus, Inazuma Japan, The Genesis, Teikoku 

Which movie is the best:

I’ve only seen the first movie and honestly that one sucks except in the last 30 minutes

Prettiest character: 

All the girls

Most handsome:

Edgar Valtinas, Someoka Ryuugo, Jikiru Haito, Kageyama Reiji, Aaron Adams, Teres Tolue, hnnn there are so many

Best hairstyle:

Edgar Valtinas, Tobitaka Seiya, Season 3 Kageyama

Do you think it takes more hairgel to style Tenma’s, Alpha’s, or Tobitaka’s hair:

Tobitaka, because Tenma’s is completely natural and, and idk about Alpha

Whose hair takes the most time to manage:

Edgar, Kirigakure, and Genda definitely. 

Who would you most want to see with their hair down :

Edgar Valtinas please oh my god please. Also Maki on Epsilon

That OP/ED that keeps replaying over and over again in your mind:

Maji de Kansha, Ryuusei Boy

That character song that is way too catchy for its own good:

Cheers to Glory!,  The Victory Within the Eyes,  Bad Boys Brother's Blues, and Honoo no Puraido

Raimon or Teikoku: 

It’s hard to pick because I love both of them honestly!! 

Ultimate Shining or Ancient Dark:

Don’t know jack about either team honestly.

IE or IE GO:

Original Inazuma Eleven all the way. 

Taiyou or Taiyou (hint: The answer is Taiyou):

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Fubuki post-personality-disorder or merged:

All Fubuki’s need love and appreciation. 

Hang out with Rika or Touko:

Can I hang out with both of them, because I love both of them! I’d like to hang out with them and maybe have a sleepover. 

Yank Tsurugi’s ponytail or Fei’s:

I’m going to yank the edgelord’s ponytail. Fei is a good boy and doesn’t deserve it.

Kageyama Tobio Reiji or Kuroiwa Ryuusei:

Kageyama Reiji. That second person doesn’t exist as far as I am concerned. 

Quick! Kiss Cliff Marry. Shindou, Kariya, Kinako:

Kiss Kinako (cause she is already married), Cliff Kariya (Sorry hun), and Marry Shindou

Which is more amazing, the fact that the ball doesn’t pop or the goal doesn’t get torn through:

Kusaka in Galaxy popped a ball, and Edgar tore a net in the games. 

Why don’t they ever get yellow/red cards?????:

I think that happened once and the kid almost killed the referee with a soccer ball. So yeah I guess that’s probably the reason and also in Inazuma Eleven rules don’t matter you can kill a kid on the soccer field practically. 

Eat a soda popsicle with Suzuno or plant a tulip with Nagumo:

Go stargazing with Hiroto.

Be a forward with a defense technique or a defender with a shooting technique:

I think I would make a better defender than a forward so I’ll have to go with the latter. 

Who do you think Endou should really end up with:

Kidou

Yes or No, Afuro Terumi:

Eh he’s okay I guess. 

Sacca yarouze?:

*Sakka

Anything you wanna praise the series for:

Please refer to this popular post of mine.

Anything you wanna complain about the series (don’t worry we all know it’s not real hate here) :

Please refer to the bottom halves of this and this

Got any IE merch (yes I’m offering you bragging rights):

Yeah I do actually! Quite a bit at that. I have two netsuke straps, a Orpheus keychain, a raimon keychain, three art books, two guide books, a complete Edgar Valtinas cosplay, a bookmark, pencil board, and character notecard, and a poster 

What do you think about Ares no Tenbin:

I am excited and concerned at the same time. 

3 things you love about the IE fandom:

I love the friends that I’ve made, and the people who produce fanart of my faves and my otps, and uhhhh, yeah

1 thing you would like to say to the IE community (fandom,producers,etc.):

I would like to give my warmest thanks to Hino for putting Someoka on Hakuren. Keep doing good things like that please. 

What do you think about the creator of this whole post (I know. I’m lame. I’m sorry.) :

I don’t know you, but you seem like a decent person. 

#starlight.txt #inazuma eleven #tag game

[northernscruffycat]

Tagged by @ishidoshuuji! Thank you for tagging me, because I so rarely get an excuse to talk about Inazuma, even though I love it a lot. Original meme/quiz/whatever they call these now by @revivedandabandonedkids

Also, please forgive me if I slip into the dub names, as I've only actually played the English games and seen the English dub of the anime, not the Japanese original. I'm lame, I know.

- Heya what’s your name :

I'm Sam, with usernames that are variations of three words because apparently that's my thing.

- Favorite character :

Natsumi is my favourite from IE and Kirino is my favourite from GO.

- Favorite arc :

The first games of each IE and GO have a special place in my heart, though as more time goes on the more I appreciate IE2 a lot as well.

- OTP :

Endou/Natsumi, Fubuki/Someoka and Kirino/Shindou are my main three ships. There are others that I like as well, but those are the ones I spend the most time thinking about. Oh yeah, and I secretly ship Kageyama/Hibiki a lot too, but don't tell people. 8D

- BroTP :

Everyone who Endou has ever made friends with x Endou is the best BroTP. Also, any combination of the managers is where I'm at.

- Any ships that everyone ships but you surprisingly don’t (please remember the little // in the ship names so it won’t show up in the tags) :

Gouenji//Fubuki (omg Heather, I thought I was the only person who didn't care for that ship!), Endou//Aki and for some reason I can't seem to get into Endou//Kazemaru as a romantic ship either.

- Favorite hissatsu :

Utter Gutsiness Catch, because I am a five year old apparently. But for real, any special move that Fubuki does will probably be my favourite because they're so pretty.

- What about combination hissatsu :

Wyvern Blizzard, because it's my OTP's special move together! But also Dead Future is weirdly pretty.

- Favorite Keishin:

I have a soft spot for Sousha Maestro, but I don't think I actually have a favourite yet.

- Favorite Mixi-max (I bet you were expecting this) :

A tie between Kirino & Joan and Kinako & Master Dragon

- Favorite Soul (you’re right I don’t have any excuses for this ) :

Since Galaxy was never realised in the UK and I haven't gotten that far in the anime yet I haven't seen any of the souls, so I can't answer this one. ;_;

- Favorite forward (LOL THERE’S MORE) :

There's so many good ones! But I guess if I had to pick just one it'd probably be Tsurugi. Though of course I love Gouenji and Shindou as well.

- Favorite mid-fielder (I know this is getting old okay) :

Kidou and Tenma.

- Favorite defender (Almost done…):

Kirino, Fubuki, Touko and Kabeyama.

- Favorite goalkeeper (Not my fault there are so many positions) :

Well, Endou is a given of course, but I grew to like Tachimukai a lot when I watched the anime as well.

- Favorite manager/girl player (actually, all girls in general) :

Natsumi is my all time favourite, but I basically love all of the girls. If I had to pick out just a few of them then I'd also say Rika, Touko, Akane and, oh yeah, Kazeaki Yone is an unsung hero.

- Favorite team :

All of the main teams are my precious babies, especially when Someoka is there.

- Favorite team uniform :

The one where they're basically just dressed as school girls. You can be damn sure that whenever I unlock that uniform in any of the games I switch them into it as soon as possible.

- Which movie is the best :

I haven't seen any of the movies yet. But I do mean to! Right now I'm rewatching Digimon Adventure 01 & 02 (maybe Tamers as well), but I hope to eventually get back to where I left off with watching Inazuma.

- Prettiest character :

They are all too pretty, it wouldn't be fair for me to- ...okay, Kageyama, because no one can compete with him. 8D

- Most handsome :

Someoka~!

- Best hairstyle:

Natsumi and Kirino. I'm sorry, but I'm biased towards my faves.

- Do you think it takes more hairgel to style Tenma’s, Alpha’s, or Tobitaka’s hair :

Tobitaka, because he's obviously using so many products all the time, given how much he cares about his hair. Also, I believe that Tenma just wakes up in the morning with his hair looking like that and I don't know how he does it.

- Whose hair takes the most time to manage :

I've never put any thought into it, but given how much we see Tobitaka actually managing his hair I'll go for him again.

- Who would you most want to see with their hair down (sorry for all the hair-relatedness) :

Anyone, because I like seeing characters with their hair down.

- That OP/ED that keeps replaying over and over again in your mind :

I've only seen the dub. You understand my pain.

- That character song that is way too catchy for its own good :

Oh cool, I should listen to some of these one day.

- Raimon or Teikoku :

Raimon, because it's Endou's base of operations where he adopts preferred members of other teams into his friendship harem.

- Ultimate Shining or Ancient Dark :

Ancient Dark as a team, but I prefer Shine as a game because it has EnNatsu and also I'm slightly more interested in Hiroto than Kazemaru.

- IE or IE GO:

Honestly, I like both a lot.

- Taiyou or Taiyou (hint: The answer is Taiyou):

Taiyou is amazing! I love his Irish accent in the English games and he's completely the reason why I played Wildfire first out of those two versions.

- Fubuki post-personality-disorder or merged:

Post, because he's happier and at peace with himself. Though I do admit that I found the whole situation leading up to it interesting.

- Hang out with Rika or Touko :

I assume that if you hang out with one then you'll probably end up hanging out with the other anyway, but if I had to pick just one then I'd probably go with Touko. I love Rika, but she seems like a lot of work to hang out with.

- Yank Tsurugi’s ponytail or Fei’s :

Tsurugi’s because he deserves to suffer more.

- Kageyama Tobio Reiji or Kuroiwa Ryuusei :

MY SON IS PERFECT IN ALL HIS FORMS.

- Quick! Kiss Cliff Marry. Shindou, Kariya, Kinako :

I would rather just protect all three of them forever. They are my precious children.

- Which is more amazing, the fact that the ball doesn’t pop or the goal doesn’t get torn through :

The goal not getting torn through! In fact, I always feel a little disappointed that when I do a super powerful move that it doesn't show the goal just getting destroyed.

- Why don’t they ever get yellow/red cards????? :

Either because everyone is actually afraid of them or because no one really understands how the game works in this universe anyway.

- Eat a soda popsicle with Suzuno or plant a tulip with Nagumo :

Either? I'm not that fussed out these two if I'm honest.

- Be a forward with a defense technique or a defender with a shooting technique :

Defender with a long shot technique - stealing this answer, because yes.

- Who do you think Endou should really end up with :

I was totally shipping Endou with Natsumi ever since I finished the first game, because I thought they balanced each other out nicely. So when I found out he does get married to Natsumi in one universe I was pleasantly surprised, usually my OTPs never gets to be canon! But I do also support his marriage to Fuyuka in the other universe too. Other characters I'd be happy for Endou to end up with include Kidou, Gouenji and Touko.

- Yes or No, Afuro Terumi :

Sure?

- Sacca yarouze? :

I'm filthy English dub scum so I dunno what that means.

- Anything you wanna praise the series for :

The English dub of the games bringing in so many different UK regional accents that I rarely see in media is what makes me smile to my soul. But I'm also going to steal the answer that it made me care a lot for a series about a sport I have no interest in and also showed me that I can call many, many fictional characters my children in the same series.

- Anything you wanna complain about the series (don’t worry we all know it’s not real hate here) :

Eh, it has similar problems to a lot of kids' shonen series, but I love it anyway.

- Got any IE merch (yes I’m offering you bragging rights) :

I have a few of the small figure sets that included characters I like, but I did want to get more of them. Maybe I'll get more some day.

- What do you think about Ares no Tenbin :

Cautiously optimistic? On one hand I am a little sad that all the developments I liked are being erased, though I guess they'll still exist in the other universes. But on the other hand I am curious enough to pick up the game anyway, if it actually gets a UK release... I would have also rather that they went with an entirely new cast, but I am hopeful that maybe we might get some more SomeFubu interaction this way. Please let me have that much.  

- 3 things you love about the IE fandom :

Sadly, I've not experienced much of the fandom, but from what I have seen I love how creative the fans are, how good their sense of humour is about nothing in this series making sense and how they've held on after so many years - as a Layton fan I understand how difficult that can be!

- 1 thing you would like to say to the IE community (fandom,producers,etc.) :

Please don't bash Natsumi, she is my precious daughter and I love her. ;_;

- What do you think about the creator of this whole post (I know. I’m lame. I’m sorry.) :

You made a super fun ask meme that got me thinking about this series so much that I want to get back to watching the anime again as soon as I can!

#*Inazuma Eleven #This got long so most of it is under the cut