#probably she was with the Slate while in duty and her dad took it from her

[tsukuyomiland]

She doesn't want to be there

#legend of zelda #zelda #zelda botw #botw #based on my son's face when I take the Switch from him #probably she was with the Slate while in duty and her dad took it from her

[wu-sisyphus-gang]

Motion Sickness: 62.0 It Takes All Kinds

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“So…” I trailed. I didn’t sit down. I stood by the door awkwardly. 

“So?” Taiyang wondered. He stared me down with folded arms while I waited for Ruby to finish what she was doing in the kitchen. 

I imagined if I said something like ‘your daughter is pretty hot, right?’ That wouldn’t go over very well. What the fresh fuck are you supposed to say to the guy who’s little girl you’re banging on the regular? I was trying to knock her up. Sure, I was marrying her. But I was also fucking her. So what did I say? Oh, also I killed this guy’s first wife in one on one combat. So there was that.

“Ruby must have gotten most of her looks from her mom. Summer, right?” I finished. “I mean… I see where Yang got it. In both you and Raven Branwen. But Ruby must have taken mostly after her mother.”

“You knew Raven?” He asked. 

“I… I fought her twice. I killed her the second time. I have her sword… do you… do you want it?” I asked. I was unsure about what protocol was. 

He sighed and looked away. “I didn’t know that about you. No. I don’t want it. It’s yours by all rights. And Ruby does take after more Summer than me. It’s a good thing. It reminds me of her.”

I nodded a little. “Couldn’t have been easy with how she wanted to be a huntress. With how both of your girls wanted to be hunters. I hope… I hope my kids choose something else.”

“It wasn’t a walk in the park. I worry about them but I had to let them go. I couldn’t hold them back,” he agreed. “But you’re planning on having kids? With Ruby?”

I nodded. “Ruby wants four. Weiss wants two. They want to drown me. I think.” 

“You’re a lucky guy.”

“You… everyone says that. But they wouldn’t if they really knew me. You feel me?”

Taiyang laughed. “A little bit.”

“Ruby and Weiss are all I really have. I lost everyone else. And if I lost them I’d lose it in a bad, bad way. I… I have some real power behind me and I’ve done some pretty terrible stuff with it before when no one was able to stop me. And we’ll see how I fucking handle kids.”

“Ruby trusts you with it. That counts for something.”

“Ruby trusts a little too easily,” I bit out. We both knew it. 

He sighed. “Maybe. You took off with her to Mistral. That was you.”

“Back then I thought they were just her enemies and it was my place to serve beside her. It was my honor to serve her and hound her enemies like a dog.” I thumbed the wolf stud in my right ear. 

“But they weren’t just her enemies. Ozpin’s enemies,” he nodded. “I don’t know the details like Qrow and Summer did.”

“My family are those enemies. I defected from them. I fight them now. I… I lead the fight in many ways. It’s my responsibility to fight them. It will kill me. And Ruby and Weiss are trying to squeeze as much life out of me as they can before I bite it fighting something like Ozpin’s enemies or something for the council.”

“You run errands for the council?”

“They pay well enough and it’s sort of my duty. The money can’t buy what I really want but it pays for pretty much everything else pretty handily for my ladies.”

“Summer used to run those sorts of missions,” he breathed. He slumped on the couch and looked tired. “I’m sure Ruby worries about you.”

“Ruby worries about literally everyone. But yeah. She worries about me. But it’s… it’s really only a matter of time. You know? Until I run into something too big for me to handle. And there’s no one who can really bail me out if I’m in a bad way. But in the meantime I have my women and a pretty good job.”

“Beacon, right?” He asked. 

I nodded. I walked over into his family room. I folded my arms in front of my chest and listened to Ruby work in the kitchen. She was after the old pots and pans and sheets which belonged to her mother. She wanted them at our house. It wasn’t far. Just a thirty minute drive. 

“Well, you seem like a good kid…” he murmured. 

“But looks can be deceiving,” I finished and shot back under my breath. I leveled a glare at him which he met with stupid, tired apathy. 

“Ruby’s an adult. She can make her own decisions,” he whispered. “She always wanted a big family and I’m glad she’s getting it. Raising kids is safer than hunting.”

“It’s just as hard, though. Isn’t it.”

“It’s harder,” he corrected lowly.

“I was worried about that,” I nodded. “I suspected as much,” I sighed. “Luckily I’ll have Ruby and Weiss to bail me out of a bad situation. Set me straight when I’m wrong.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“That or this world stops being my problem. I lost it before. I know what would shatter me again. Losing Weiss or Ruby would be intolerable. I literally couldn’t handle it.”

“Kids change you,” he disagreed. 

“Vale would be gone. No one could stop me from tearing down cities in my madness. Atlas and Mistral too. It would break me and I would level mountains out of spite.”

“Kids change you,” he repeated. 

“Nothing could change this,” I disagreed. “We call that checkmate.”

“Maybe. If you have kids they could ground you. Keep you sane,” he murmured. “My kids kept me sane. Both times.”

“I would break. I’m already glass. Ruby has no idea how fragile I am and how she holds me together. She’s my moral compass. I would perish. I couldn’t do what you did. Luckily I’m the one slated for death. I couldn’t handle it if it was one of them.”

“We don’t really have a choice. I had to keep going for my little girls. I didn’t have a choice. I had to let Summer and Raven go. I had to push forward. They were so wonderful and they held me together but I had to keep going for my little girls.”

“Not so little anymore.”

“No. Not so little anymore. Now she’s somebody else’s sweetheart. And I just have to trust that she’s making the right decision for herself with who she chooses. You seem like a good kid but I sort of have to take it on faith.”

“Sounds hard.”

“Wait until you have a little girl of your own,” the words dripped from his lips like an ancient curse. “Then tell that to me.”

“Weiss wants a little girl. A boy and a girl. I’m not sure if she wants both bad enough to do some in vitro bullshit. But I know that’s what she wants. And Ruby I think is up for dealing with whatever hand she gets dealt.”

“Six is a lot.”

“It is. And they’ll probably have to do most of the work without me. Especially if I bite it.”

“But you want to give it to them?”

“I’d do anything for them. I’d even fight my family and try to walk away for them. It’s so easy to say. ‘I’d do anything for you.’ But would I actually? Would I kill my friends if they asked me to? I’m having kids for them. Because they want it. And that’s pretty hard. Maybe it’s even the hardest task that they could ask me to do. You know?”

He nodded like he got it.

“I’m gonna fail. Whether I beat my family or not, I will fail to be a good enough parent. It’s literally impossible to do a good enough job,” I monologued. 

“I take offense to that. I did good enough,” he protested. 

“You’re not allowed to be offended because did you?” I shot back. I didn’t quite accuse him but I made it clear that I disagreed. “Or could you have done better?”

He said nothing. He scratched his scraggly chin but wouldn’t meet my gaze. 

“How do I do it?” I asked him. “How do I do a good enough job? On top of all my other responsibilities?”

“You can’t,” he murmured, shaking his head. “You will fail,” he promised. His voice was barely above a whisper. 

“I knew it,” I breathed. “But I have to try anyway. They’re asking me to try anyway. They want me to try. They really honestly believe I can be a good father even with all my other bullshit. And I can’t talk them out of it. And I’ve tried. And I would do anything for them. And it scares the living shit out of me. Even more than my family does.”

“Good. You should be scared. Six,” he reminded me. He gave me a kindly smile. 

“Thank the gods I have two of them to support me or I would be fucked.”

“But then again you wouldn’t be having six without the two of them.”

“You been to our place yet?” I asked. 

He shook his head.

“You’re welcome to swing by. Big empty house to fill with all those little ones. That’s the plan.”

“The wedding is there as well, isn’t it?” He confirmed. 

I nodded. “It is. That’s the accord, at least. As far as I’m aware. Most of the planning is those two. I’m sort of just along for the ride.”

“They both taking your name?” He asked. 

“Yeah. Both of them. I suppose I had better ask for your blessing.” 

“Is that how you ask me?”

“Yeah. It is.”

He sighed heavily. “Did you ask Weiss’s dad for his blessing to marry her?” 

“Weiss isn’t on speaking terms with her father. I was going to ask the man she chose to walk her down the aisle. A butler who actually raised her named Klein.”

“So you don’t intend to ask her father?”

“No. She hates her pop. She couldn’t care less if I had his blessing or not so I don’t care about asking for it.”

“But you do care about mine? And this other man’s? Klein’s?”

“To an extent. Ruby wants to marry me. I’m gonna marry her. You can either give me your blessing or you can not. But I’m gonna marry her regardless because I love her and she loves me. It’s still your choice to give me the blessing or not.”

“But it doesn’t really matter. You’d marry her anyway.”

“I’d like your blessing. Ruby cares what you think. That counts for something.”

“And I’m supposed to give it to you off of one conversation?”

“You got to take me on faith. Isn’t that what you said? And yeah, maybe don’t give it to me today. Maybe don’t give it to me in general. But I’m gonna marry Ruby. We’re gonna have kids. You can be as big of a part of that as Ruby lets you.”

“What about you? You gonna cut me out?”

“Not unless you motivate me to. Please don’t motivate me to. And it would take more than not giving me your blessing to motivate me to.”

“So how important is this blessing.”

“I think it’s important to Ruby.”

“So… pretty important?” He asked. 

“So pretty important,” I agreed.

“But not so important that you wouldn’t marry her against my will?”

“You’d have to have some pretty potent will to stop me. You couldn’t stop Ruby from leaving for Mistral under my protection. When I was her dog and nothing more. Even if you would have wanted to and I’m willing to bet you would have rather she stayed here. Nice and safe. Not out dealing with those same forces that took her mother from you.”

“Would you kill and die for Ruby?”

“Easily.” I pulled my shirt up to reveal the bifurcating scars Tyrian left behind. “This serial killer came after us out in Anima and I almost died rather than let him take her. When I killed for the first time it was in Ruby’s defense. I’d do it again now. I have a lot more power now than I did then. I’d do more if she asked me for more. Like having kids.”

“Like having kids. Put your shirt down, kid.” He gestured at me and I lowered the fabric. “I’m probably going to need more than one conversation.”

“No problem,” I agreed. “You had two wives, right?”

“Not at the same time,” he shook his head. “Not like you will.”

“Just about,” I shrugged. “Ruby and Yang are what? A year and a half apart? Minus nine months implies… You moved on fast at the very least.”

“I never really moved on and got over Raven.”

“Ouch,” I informed him. “But Summer scooped you up nice and quick.”

“Yeah, I suppose she did.”

“You can be more honest with me than that.”

“I… I don’t know what you mean?”

“Did you sleep with Summer before Raven left you?”

He said nothing. He wouldn’t meet my eye.

“I was just curious. Does Ruby know?” I wondered. 

He shook his head.

“How do you want her to find out?” I asked. 

He lowered his face into his hands and rubbed hard. “Don’t tell her, please. I will. When I’m ready.”

“Fair cop. Fair enough. Just don’t wait too long. I don’t want to have to tell her.”

“Making me the bad guy?”

“Holding you responsible. I have to be responsible for so much bullshit. Your daughter comes up to me and tells me ‘take responsibility for me, won’t you?’ You have to be held responsible for the impact you have over her emotions too. And if I have to hold you responsible so that she’s informed and aware of everything she should know, then I will. That’s my job. I’m the person she turns to now.”

“She used to turn to me…” he muttered. 

“You had your time, old man,” I fired out. “She’s mine now.”

“And if I don’t like it?”

“Well let’s ask her. We’ll tell her you don’t like it and ask her to decide.”

“That’s not fair…” he trailed slowly and quietly.

“Really? What’s not fair about it? You had her for fifteen years, old man. I’ll be lucky to squeeze out ten. You don’t get to sit there and tell me it’s not fair. Your time as the sun has passed. I’m her sunshine now. And I worked hard to get there. I killed, and bled, and almost died to get there. Over and over again I killed and bled and almost died. Worse than that happened to me too. What’s not fair? Tell me specifically? If I’m not a good enough man for your daughter you better come out and accuse me of such.”

“You’re not a good enough man for my daughter,” he looked me dead in the eyes. I rolled mine.  

“Yeah, no shit. But she chose me anyway. She chose to save me. She could have left me in the garbage where I belong. Now I’m the most powerful man on the planet and it’s all because of her. She has the power to make and unmake me. I’m only the most powerful man on the planet.”

“And this other girl? Weiss? You want her too?”

“I always wanted Weiss. Ever since I was young. She was my first real crush. She was the question with the changing answer. ‘How do I be good enough?’ Do I need to be faster? Stronger? Smarter? More confident? Do I need more power? Always more power. Unending with the power. When is it enough? And of course the answer is that it’s never enough. It can’t be. I can’t be enough. I was never going to be. But she also chose me anyway.”

“And how did you three get together?”

“How we got together… Ruby and I dated out in Anima. Then I got split up and they and I weren’t sure that we’d ever see each other again. Then Weiss and Ruby got together. They were always close and had good chemistry. Then when we found each other again Ruby begged me not to make her choose. She begged me. So I gave it a shot.”

“How magnanimous of you.”

“Please. I’m allowed to have something. Just because you never figured out how to make it work with your business doesn’t mean we can’t. And Ruby begged me to try. I had no choice. And I always wanted Weiss. It just played out well. If we tried it again a million times I think they’d exclude me. And I would deserve it.”

He leaned back and sighed. 

Ruby walked in carrying a box from the kitchen. She looked between us. “What are you two talking about?”

“You,” I answered. What else did me and this old man have in common? You, Ruby Rose. Or Ruby Arc, rather. 

Taiyang sighed heavily again. 

“I was just giving this kid my blessing. He asked for it and you trust him. That’s good enough for me.”

“Oh, well that’s wonderful. I’m glad you two can get along. And you don’t have to worry, dad, Jaune’s good material. He’s a wonderful person.”

“You wouldn’t be marrying him if he wasn’t,” Taiyang agreed. 

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-WG

#rwby #fanfic #lancaster #whiteknight #white rose #war of the roses #ruby rose x jaune arc #jaune arc x weiss schnee #jaune arc x weiss schnee x ruby rose #ruby rose x weiss schnee #motion sickness #jaune arc #ruby rose #weiss schnee

[petitepistol]

headcanon;but it is very messy

oh god strap in because this is going to be 3k words worth of rambling under the cut which you don't actually have to read since i posted it at 5am so it probably does not make much sense!! also I have only just recently accepted that my elena does not follow compilation timeline to the letter because I fucking hate the fact that before crisis placed her age at being a high school student almost immediately preceding the start of the original game and I always saw elena as being at least aerith's age by the time she became a turk so please bear with me as my elena uses a floating timeline to prevent her from being...like a literal teenager for original game fuck that noise they had cissnei be the uwu fifteen-year-old turk and elena gets to be her own character when im writing her so compilation can fuck right off

so first off her dad is a military man, and that entire side of his family? kind of just defaulted into the military for generations. well before shinra at least, the old shit. I'm constantly flabbergasted by the idea that shinra is the dominant military force on the planet when as little as forty years before game them were a fledgling company, and I'm fascinated by what kind of insane shit must have gone down to facilitate shinra going from defense contractor/power company to defacto global superpower, and what they superseded when that happened. so yeah her dad is military, and even after he was put out to pasture he still wound up teaching at a prestigious shinra sponsored academy in junon and both of his daughters attended.

her mom was upper middle class and driven as hell, had a ballet career which got cut short due to injury in her late teens. then she wound up going into nursing by her early twenties and spent some time working in deepground when it was still a run of the mill army hospital where she met elena's father who was...voluntarily a candidate for some biotech stuff that shinra was doing back when shinra was still a defense contractor, go figure he was one of many early examples of mako conditioning. they didn't get along at first but did wind up marrying but never actually settling down because of the nature of his career. she retired from nursing but did medical coding part-time.

elena's sister was born in deepground (canonically from the 'midgar slums' but deepground is pretty fucking close and it makes sense to the era and background worldbuilding), and things went as smoothly as possible at this point in time. elena herself was born in icicle because lol military stationed there (elena being an icicle native was also a very popular piece of fanon in the pre-compilation era and I feel like it may have had some supporting evidence in something like kaitai shinsho but I never really managed to cross-reference that so probably not true and just a gut feeling), and by then things were getting...fishy. details being covered up about the full extent of the side-effects of mako conditioning and rumors that shinra had an egregious amount of influence over the military at large. these things all turned out to be true, but elena's father kept his head down and did his duty because he was a good soldier. he was also in wutai on and off during this, before the situation over there fully hit the fan, so he had more pressing matters to worry about.

anyway, elena was born in icicle but she and her mother and sister weren't there for more than a year or so before it was back at it again in midgar because dad was being put on some kind of assignment that had him closely working with shinra. the general implication of this is he was doing legwork for the implementation of SOLDIER in a few years, but what that means can vary by interaction from being paperwork to mk ultra style endurance testing to teaching an adolescent jenova project specimen how to integrate into military procedure before they drop him in wutai which is slated to become an all-out conflagration very shortly. it all depends but the point is it is sticky and worsened significantly when his wife is killed in a car accident. if this seems familiar it is because I firmly believe elena is the aya brea of ffvii and parasite eve featured similar background story. I'm borrowing deal with it.

by this point, elena is around eight and in school but elena is just barely four and in the vehicle when it happens. mom is killed instantly, elena survives but barely fares better. she's in intensive care for a while and there is a period where they don't even know if she is going to be brain dead or just have permanent brain damage in the first few days. her sister is basically staying at a school friend's house for like...way more than a fortnight while this got sorted out because their dad still actually has orders to carry out, even if he isn't on a battlefield. at one point on of his higher-ups implies that it could be arranged to transfer elena from the civilian hospital to the recently renovated deepground and he turns it down and feels like shit for it because yeah, deepground probably would mean a better chance at his youngest daughters survival because of that cutting edge shinra biotech, but at what cost? he knows well enough now something is wrong and justifies his willingness to let fate take its course with elena by focusing on the fact that her sister is still alive and well and he needs to keep his head down for his older daughter because she needed him too, even though they barely saw each other during the crux of this.

so lo and behold elena does recover and goes through the icky sticky of physical therapy and does just fine. great, right? well yes but the family dynamic is stupidly fucked up. dad has done either really good or really bad on his assignment, and gets put out to pasture in junon to teach at a military academy that is now nearly entirely funded by shinra (yeah so in before crisis it is all but implicit that academy is in midgar but fuck that junon is the seat of military power it would be near there if anything). this is great because it keeps him in work and both of his daughters will benefit. which they do. elena's sister is an ideal student, and the roughness of losing her mother happened at a sensitive period but a period where she was old enough to understand what was going on. she was capable of being a little trooper through all of it, but the cost of it was not being able to emotionally process the loss of her mother and the fact that her little sister was still alive when mom was not. the seeds of discord are sown there and that will be an ongoing thing throughout their childhood and into adulthood. they don't hate each other, but the relationship is fraught with tension and it is far from a healthy dynamic, especially since their father has pulled back almost entirely from fatherhood. he has no idea what he is doing without his late wife, and can't organically interact with his daughters so he defaults to being an instructor. both of them flourish despite this, but it is not a good family dynamic.

paint over this family drama with the fact that wutai is now well and truly happening. the military is effectively controlled by shinra and very very soon the propaganda blitz surrounding SOLDIER is going to push that over the edge and shinra will be accepted on a public and official level as being the army. the slogans are changing and going from an old fashioned sense of unity to focusing on becoming top class and singularly extraordinary. there is an emphasis on joining to be great rather than joining for the greater good. the recruitment plays into the deeply seated neurosis of adolescence for a reason because the younger some kid joins up the more malleable they are to both the shinra rhetoric and the by now very refined mako enhancement process that costs so much but nets such spectacular gains. in fact, it costs far too much to ever justify wasting that kind of money on doing it to women. so yeah it is blog canon that women in the shinra army is not a thing that is encouraged and like hell would they ever be in SOLDIER. the company culture is an old boys club steeped in misogyny and the only reason scarlet succeeded is because she took that and marinated in it and played the game very well. dirge era deepground operatives are little more than a consequence of years of unethical human experimentation left to rot in a basement. we don't really see women in actual military positions in the original game. sexism is alive and well and it serves my characterization of elena and her development.

so yeah it is a time of paradigms shifting and reforming very rapidly. elena's sister takes to this with aplomb, she is a perfect cadet and in elena's eyes a perfect daughter. someone easier to idolize than the SOLDIERs on the glossy recruitment posters and more available than their emotionally distant father. she is pristine and by extension beloved, things elena wants to be as well. elena is too young to realize her sister doesn't have any better of a relationship with their father than she does, but who knows if that would change anything. she emulates her ideal sister but remains a half step behind, which makes perfect sense because elena is four years younger. from a critical perspective that half step is a very close gap because even if elena doesn't realize it, she is just as prodigious as her sister is. the difference is while her sister can follow orders to the letter, elena has the makings of a maverick. not a positive thing in the strict environment of a military academy, no matter how high her scores are. idealization goes hand and hand with a quiet resentment, the latter of which her sister has also harbored towards her ever since their later mother died and elena did not.

that simmering toxicity stays at a low boil until her sister graduates. at the top of the class, even she could not become anything. or at least, to elena it looks that way, as she watches her sister back her things for midgar where she will start as a trainee for an administrative/auditing position for the shinra electric power company. elena does not know what a turk is at this point, even if her father does. he seems as impassive as ever, even if that is not the case and in actuality he is struggling to accept the reality that his oldest daughter is far too smart for his own good and is entering a profession no one would ever want for their child. despite his distance and his lack of connection and all of his failings as a father he does love his children and that will eat away at him until he dies no doubt. but all elena sees is her shining example of an older sister being doomed to desk work. when gun leaves (because she becomes gun the moment she is added to the payroll) the real constant of elena's childhood also leaves. and during adolescence, that is hard for anyone. more so when you realize no matter how sharp your skills are your future is off the chopping block and there is no path for you to take with them.

elena goes from being a prodigy prone to pesky critical thinking to a prodigy with a chip on her shoulder. her technical marks don't plummet, in fact, quite the opposite. she picks up a secondary battle specialty, close-quarters combat, which will set her apart from her sister. she flourishes with equal parts precision and aggression, despite her small size. the academic commendations feel entirely hollow to her though, and in the way teenagers tend to do she convinces herself she is not much more than nothing. the memory of her sister becomes tarnished with the bitterness of her negative self-image. her instructors must hate her for her failures, she tells herself with false objectivity. her instructors include her actual father, who is nearly clueless aside from a vague feeling in the pit of his stomach and he doesn't know if that is due to his oldest daughter going into wetworks or the fact his younger daughter is shattering academic record after record with the sheer force of what he assumes to be ennui driven spite.

at least he is clueless until in the spring just after she turns fifteen she files for early certification to leave academy, just like every other boy in her year as well as every other boy on the continent and beyond. they do it to catch the recruitment push and join the army soon enough to have a shot at making SOLDIER before they age out. but elena can't do that and he knows it and braces himself to have that conversation with her, calling her into his office where she keeps her stance formal until he tells her to be as ease and even in the chair across from his desk her posture is tense. spine straight, eyes ahead. he begins what he thinks is going to be the "you know you can't join SOLDIER" conversation but she cuts him off in what he thinks is a somewhat uncharacteristic display, but to her is just another example of how disgraceful her conduct is and how she needs to get out of academy before brings the value of the whole institution down. she tells him this, she tells him she is aware of her shortcomings and the fact she has no future in a military career and her intention is to go to midgar and learn how to be a civilian on her own terms. he signs off on it because none of her bullet points are actually wrong.

midgar is a city of industry and a city of vice and she hasn't been there since she was a child. it is good to her and it is bad to her, as she unlearns years of quasi-military discipline and figures out how to be her own person. she still sometimes wears the academy uniform because old habits die hard and it is a durable thing. she has a one-room apartment in the slums and a job tending bar in wall market. the hours are early evening to after the last train ends and her circadian rhythm adjusts from 4am wakeups and beds made with hospital corners to the distorted clock that comes from living under a plate with no natural sunlight. there are just as many fights and skirmishes to be had in midgar but none of them are like the training exercises at academy. each one is a beautiful short-lived shrine, sometimes they are fun and on her terms, and other times they are fraught and meant for survival. elena relishes them all as a skillset she once thought was a dead-end turns out to be valuable once more. the major negative point is her sister.

gun is in midgar and wears a sleek black suit along with many other people in sleek black suits. elena hears the term 'turk' for the first time. whether they are urban legends or hired killers or pencil pushers who do double duty waterboarding enemies of a power company turned judge and jury doesn't matter. what matters is the deadness she can see in gun's green eyes when she drops by the bar before closing, oftentimes with equally dead-eyed coworkers. those confrontations are never pleasant, they are a powderkeg. elena would like to reach out to her sister, chase away the exhausted look in her face the way she can with other patrons, but the sentiment gets stuck in her throat and they just snipe at each other. gun is a terrible adult and so are all of her colleagues and they are trying their best to neutralize a growing terrorist threat and they are failing. when they come around in the low light of the bar illuminates the stark futility of everything after midnight.

elena does not know exactly what is going on at the highest level of intrigue but she has a good guess. shinra is shitting the bed, and that includes the turks and SOLDIER, which seems to her to be in the middle of a massive coverup as their public-facing 1sts disappear one after another. she wants no part of it and her agenda switches from mastering the nuances of being a civilian to finding sustainability and meaning outside of shinra as the cracks in the facade split ever wider. when the sector six plate is effectively destroyed, it takes the bar she worked at with it and elena decides it is time to get the hell out of midgar.

her years in wall market set her up with some interesting connections and the owner of a small weapons shop (who she might have married for tax purposes but that isn't fleshed out) sets her up with a distinguished older gentleman who is a complete asshole and happens to run guns all across the continent. despite his immaculate coiffure he is not a people person and requires someone who is both qualified to demonstrate his product and more pleasant to deal with than him, because the market is hot right now. shinra has never had much interest in dealing with flyover country. sure they build reactors in some of the backwaters, but not all of them. and no reactor meant no need for shinra to spend the money on protecting hick villages from increased monster presence. the planet is dying and the monsters are restless in the same way wildlife gets in the real world. the people in those tiny towns do their best to defend their homes and livelihood and that means purchasing weaponry, mostly old stock from competitors that shinra has long since crushed or acquired. shinra lets this happen because it is not a threat to them.

so, for a few years, elena is a pretty face with a bang and it is almost scarlettian. she never comes close to the sex appeal of the actual weapons development director of shinra, but it is enough to help move merchandise. most of the buyers are just people trying to survive in the middle of nowhere, but not always. sometimes they are rougher than that, but the money is good enough that she doesn't care about that, or the fact the man who employed her hates her guts and doesn't care much whether she lives or dies. it is a thrilling rush and it is outside of shinra and more than ever does she want to put as much distance as possible between shinra and herself. because her sister is dead according to a notification that tseng of the turks had been cordial enough to send to her father, news that he passed on in a voicemail to elena with a hollow tone. maybe he was trying to reconnect with her because she was now all he had left in the way of family. maybe he just had the same sense of duty as always. she never calls back to ask.

midgar calls her back though. one day her employer informs her with a vindictive grin that he has sold the business part and parcel and that includes her as an employee. acquired by shinra. the reason, ironically, is scarlet, whom she has been doing a two-bit impersonation of. scarlet is a forward thinker but that doesn't mean she can't be swayed by a stockpile of vintage firearms, and with the viciousness required of her position she can throw weight around and get her hands on anything. the weapons are what she wanted and elena knows this and rejects the notion that she will become apart of the shinra payroll because of this little merger. this is proven wrong in short order as her assets are frozen systematically because the turks are hard up for people. they know her. they knew her sister and they know her, even if they haven't kept tabs on her. as soon as the papers cross his desk tseng seizes the opportunity.

the interview with hr to place elena is a mere formality. there is no other place for her there but in the turks. elena, for all her audacity, accepts this and plasters on a professional veneer. the game begins and the world ends.

#ooc #headcanon #somebody sent me a very broad development ask and i wrote several thousand words in the middle of the night #holy shit im sorry for the wall of text someday i will clean this up i swear #some of this has been touched on in existing headcanon posts but not as a whole #as a whole it is...a lot to take in and whoever reads this has my condolences

[ronanwazlib]

Request: maybe Remus has a little sister who is the flower girl at his wedding (marrying Sirius?)

Sirius’ hands shook as his fingers stumbled over the buttons at his collar.

“Are you nervous, mate?” Ron asked, and with a quick flick of his wand, finished off the rows of open buttons trailing down Black’s chest.

“Thanks.” Sirius breathed, and then scrubbed a hand over his face, the stark light of the dressing room illuminating his cheekbones with a shiny pallor. “Nah. Me? Nervous? Course not… Just worried it’ll be even worse than the first time.”

“Wait… what happened the first time?” One Of the boys, he thinks maybe one of Harry’s, chimes in from where he’s allowing Arthur to polish his shoes via magical grease.

Sirius barks out a brisk laugh, thinking back to the day. They’d never thought of getting married, not really. Being together after everything was enough for them. They’d survived his family’s prejudices, lycanthropy, becoming animagi as children, the Prank, Hogwarts, and were on their way to fight a bloody war, and still their fondness of each other never faltered. That was enough for them, he’d thought. They didn’t need rings or declarations or charmed wedding cake toppers at that. But then Lily and James had gotten engaged, and they’d each done their fair share planning the slapdash wedding, no matter how small-scale. And as they all shed tears that day which felt a bit more anxious than happy, the mood overall was too “This life is semi-permanent” rather than “this love will last forever” and seeing Moony preen over a slice of chocolate wedding cake (one layer especially made for him by the Potter’s overly fond house elf) and knowing they might not have each other forever, Sirius suddenly wanted this. Wanted just one moment of time that could be theirs forever, link them together once more in case the other ties that bound their hearts frayed and tethers were torn apart.

So following the Potter’s frantic summer wedding, Remus and Sirius had their own, even more thrown together and hasty. Lily was fuming of course because “of all the stupid and daft ideas” they had to go wanting an autumn wedding literal weeks before she gave birth? She still helped them plan it all anyways. It was a rather small affair, held in the field outside one of the Order’s safehouses.

Their friends from the Order, those alive anyways, all attended, as did Dumbledore, which was odd because of all the things they’d never have figured, it would be their former headmaster in support of their union while danger lurked and there was a battle to be won. They’d all supposed he just enjoyed a good party that much until Minerva had found all those letters he’d written to Grindlewald as a boy, sealed within a compartment of his desk, and realized why it was so important to him. The Blacks were not informed of the occasion, partly because many of them were Deatheaters, but mostly because Sirius would rather vomit out his own organs than see any of them again, besides Andy, but it was too rushed for her and Ted to come.

Remus wore a lovely suit sewn for him by Molly Prewitt out of his dad’s old wedding attire, and Sirius wore Fleamont’s best dress robes, as he didn’t quite think he could squeeze into the tiny Hope Howell’s decadent white gown (although he did try). Only Lyall himself was in attendance, looking aged and rather small in his chair, Remus’ mother having died while they were finishing school. And Remus’ young sister, just nearly six years old by that time.

She’d been quite the surprise, born in the winter of their third year just before hols. A thirteen year old Remus hadn’t even know his mother was pregnant, he got a letter by owl the week before their vacation began revealing all to him so as to avoid total shock upon his arrival back to the family home, which was, at the time somewhere in Northern England. They’d had to move for much of his childhood to avoid suspicion, but once he began at Hogwarts, his parents were able to be stationary for much longer with him gone most of the year. But after what had happened, his father’s guilt and the rift it drove between his parents, not to mention his mother’s hesitance to let her only son go off to wizard school and the overall taxation of having a lycanthropic son would all be things he would have assumed would have prevented any further offspring. But then, there she was in his arms that Christmas morning, little baby Rudina.

Moony wasn’t much for children, Sirius recalled. He was too worried he’d drop them or hurt them, and the fact that he spent most of his own time as one in pain and hiding rather than around other kids made him awkward about how to interact. But, damn, if he didn’t love Rudie. She walked down the aisle at their wedding, shrugging around in the garishly poofy white… thing… Marlene had stuffed her in, trying to precisely toss out exactly 4 petals each time her hand dipped into the basket of tiny star jasmine. She had her mother’s wispy hair, the same goldenrod hue as her brother, and like him her skin had a bronze undertone, but rather than being littered with scars, it was blessedly (in Moony’s opinion, since Sirius loved every scar because it was part of him) sprinkled with hundreds of freckles. Her gap toothed grin beamed up at her adored sibling as she scattered petals down the makeshift aisle, before Sirius approached, lead by James as they both tried not to think about how Fleamont hadn’t done this for either of them.

The ceremony was short, Dumbledore spoke the words to marry them. Of course, their marriage was in spirit only; registered werewolves were forbidden from spousal unions, and even if they weren’t, Moony’s match would have had to be a woman to be recognized under Ministry laws. But it had been a good day, despite the rushed cobbling together of everything, the absence of so many loved ones, the way Sirius had felt Remus’ grip on his wrist tighten to the point of discomfort as he slid on the silver band engraved with tiny stars.

“What didn’t go wrong, honestly…” Sirius joked in reply to the boy, whom he now realized was Teddy himself, his stepson. And it was true… They went straight back after that one night. No honeymoon period did soldiers get, and sleeping side by side in the same bed they’d shared since leaving school in their dingy London flat, it almost felt like he’d dreamed the entire affair. In truth, Remus had been acting strange for a while, and it seemed as though having the ring encircling one finger served as a constant reminder of the bond he was betraying; he was coarse and irritable from then on.

Harry was born, and Sirius and Remus were both swept up in that joy for such a short time before Dumbledore appeared in their fireplace with grim tidings of a prophecy, and the Potters went into hiding. Acting as Secret-Keeper and saving James from his incessant restlessness and terror consumed so much of his time, but being honest Sirius didn’t mind as it kept him from pondering well into many a sleepless night where his husband was going off to in secret, and why he’d heard tellings that the “Lupin boy” had finally gone round to the dark side. When he did return, climbing beneath the covers with all the silence of the weight settled between them, Sirius bit his lip until it bled, trying to ignore the foreign scent of smoke and wood and musk which lingered in his lover’s hair, in the lines on his skin, and forbid himself to think it was that of Fenrir Greyback or some other such devil.

Handing his duty over to Pete, who was ever more elusive following his role as groomsman, he had no reason to leave the house. He went out into Muggle London when he could force himself to leave his bed. The whole world seemed awash in runny slate greys and deep blue. He got tattoos… a lot of them, just to feel something, and worked on his bike. But not even hands covered in violet bruises and engine grease couldn’t entice a hold, and his rows with Remus grew in increasing frequency, although after a while his responses became automatic, and within he only felt lost and tired. His brother died, he saw the obit in the Prophet. There was probably a funeral… he wasn’t invited. He spent the entire day after he found out on the Tonk’s couch, while his young cousin petted and braided ribbons into his unkept locks.

One morning in spring, Rudie began showing signs of magic. She knocked a stack of books off the shelf in her father’s study from the kitchenette. Lyall called Remus right away, because directly after the little girl had collapsed. Rudie had always been a frail child; she’d come a bit early but St. Mungo’s had given their all into saving both her and the mother from harm, though her birth weakened Hope considerably… and a few short years later, nearing the Marauders final terms, she’d succumbed to cancer and left her two cariads behind. Now it seemed the strain magic had on her slight frame was too much, and she took to bed often, where sometimes pillows would fluff themselves, or handkerchiefs would fly above her sweating head of their own accord. That simmering summer brought a fresh wave of the dragon pox which had robbed James and Sirius of the two people besides their merry band of four they’d loved the most, and when it dissipated with the first crisp bite of chilly weather, Moony was an only child again. And thus the tendrils of unexpected sunshine that had beamed into his life crept beneath the cooling soil, and he was left with only the bitter embrace of the moon.

They spent much more time with Andromeda, Sirius to have some sort of mourning with his family, for his family, and Remus because he suddenly took new joy in playing and babysitting little Nymphadora, whose spunky, gaptoothed grin reminded him of Rudie’s.

Then came that fateful Halloween. And they’d buried their two best friends, begrudging trust keeping them just close enough to each hold onto infant Harry. Neither of them knew what they were doing. Even less so when Sirius knew he had to find Peter, or Remus and Harry would never be safe. When he did, it all fell to shit. Sirius lost control, and Peter was gone. Sirius met the eyes of his former headmaster as he was lead away to Azkaban, Remus shouting at the Aurors both for his release and for Harry, who was being pried from his “unfit” parental grip. Despite his high seat of power, and his knowledge of their arrangement, the only thing Sirius found in his shifting gaze was a cool acceptance which sent shivers down to his bones. In that moment he had lost all hope, and some days he couldn’t scrounge up one happy though from his cavernous skull, and had to settle for twisting the silver band round his bony knuckles so often a red ring bloomed across his blueing flesh.

Escape, freedom, a war. He returned to find Remus a broken man who dared not look him in the eyes and an empty house full of ghosts. Harry was alright, he’d ended up back with Lupin after a stint round his dreadful muggle family’s, and later a short while with Andromeda, as she was his godfather’s blood. Sirius was glad of that at least. The Dark Lord returned and was defeated. Black found Nymphadora and Remus had grown very close in his absence, a camaraderie he soon fell in step alongside after he’d wept for hours one silent night on the stairs of Grimmauld Place in his Moony’s arms, and they’d finally become the two of them again. Remus never wanted to let go of him, or have Sirius be from his sight. He’d cut his hair, just some, healed his wounds, silenced every whimper in the night with soft words and softer lips against his brow.

Tonks, as his cousin was now called, mothered him much too well for his liking, the impish grin she wore paired with her bossy jabs at him to eat. She was young, but comfortable in herself. Turned out she was like him, a family shame in more ways than one, but most especially for fancying fillies. Yet as the war grew worse and worse, she struggled with the thought that she would give up everything to its gapping maw and vanish unfulfilled. She wanted something to leave behind, a legacy beyond remnants of a cheeky greeting in young Potter’s ears and flashes of bubblegum hair tucked behind her hooped ears. She pestered Remus constantly, as he and Sirius were the only men she felt comfortable with, and both Black sheep rather wanted to end the traditional incestuous liaisons so common within their Most Noble House.

Eventually, he conceded, if only because Harry wouldn’t be young forever, and he’d found himself rather taken with fatherhood once he’d begun it. And thus, Teddy was born, with the aid of a little Mungo magic, of course. It was a rather odd arrangement if one overthought it, but then again, so much of their lives had seemed impossible. The blue haired bundle was a light in the coming darkness, and when it had passed, Sirius thought for once he might have that proper family he’d promised his godson.

And then the changing tide brought new tidings once again. The Ministry finally found a change of spell-encircled heart: The Registry was overturned, the records erased, and unions were now recognized between Muggles and Wizards of any gender, so long as they were within legal age. And thus, in their 50s, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin did one more ridiculous thing… They got married for a second time. Moony’s hair was nearly all grey now, but Padfoot had proudly retained all his ebony locks, save for one or two “distinguished” silver strands at his browline.

“Aw, don’t worry, Uncle Pads.” said Al from his spot by the long mirror, currently chanting out compliments to any who stopped to fix a stray hair or adjust a bow tie. “If ‘twere really that bad, it cant be any worse now!”

“And plus, it’s official this time!” Said Fred the Second as he tied a shoelace, and was met with a chorus of “Yea, Freddy two!” from the men in the room. Hugo made an affirmative noise, then told his cousin to stop trying to make “Fred the Second” an established nickname because it was pompous and dumb. Al and his brother laughed, chins ducked to pin on boutonnieres.

“Nah.” Sirius murmured, as they all prepared to exit, this wonderful family they’d amassed from nothing, and greet a hall full of many more important people in attendance this second time round, like Minnie at last, and the Tonks, Hagrid, Poppy, who’d always known when they were back at school because no normal “friend” spent that many nights sneaking into those uncomfortable cots in her hospital wing, nor had to be woken up tangled carefully together with the injured limbs of a still sleeping werewolf to be ushered off the morning Potions every time. Many were absent too… but this was finally their moment. No fear, or secrecy. It wasn’t a do over… it wasn’t their happy ending. It was a grateful, overjoyed beginning. Sirius pushed open the doors, Harry’s arm looped through his own, and broke out into a grin the moment Remus turned to meet his eyes, gasping out, “Pads,” as though he were seeing him with new eyes.

#this took so so long I'm sorry #also it got rlly angsty SORRY I don't like deviating from canon and Remus is an only child and his life is sad #I really liked the idea of them getting married when it was legalized so.... I just went with the uk's 2014 legalization #but also I was like well they had to have done SOMETHJNG enforce that #and lmfao Sirius would be extra enough to demand his own wedding #also rudina is just a girls name in many Latin languages meaning of the wolf or something of that sort #and I liked the r like Remus so.... #moony #wolfstar #wolfstar fanfic #wolfstar fanfiction #wolfstar au #wolfstar wedding #wedding au #harry potter fandom #harry potter fanfic #hp #hp fanfic #remus x sirius #remus lupin #sirius black #harry potter #fanfic requests #fanfic #ask #lgbt wedding #wizarding world wedding #pads #honeydukesfinestfanfics

[desolate-rose]

Chapter 8 magic is real!

I have a plan!

And it only took me two years and some change!

And that’s not the only thing i've done in the last two and a half years! (that would've been a very boring two years) I can walk AND talk! And through these new skills (which were a pain to get let me tell you! Learning to walk left. So. Many. Bruises.) I had discovered all sorts of things!

I had confirmed that I am in fact a princess, we do in fact live in a castle, and that I am indeed a hylian.

That knowledge had sent me into another one of my depressingly common panic attacks, but it wasn’t all bad!

My new skills led me to the discovery of, (drumroll please) A LIBRARY!

Oh sweet literacy how I missed you!

I may have given my parents the mistaken impression of being some sort of baby genius or something, but in all honesty I was just desperate to be able to read again. Again being a baby was very very VERY boring, and my rationale thought and impulse control had honestly been worn down by the lack of intellectual stimulation! I was sooooooo bored of baby babble.

Also it wasn't exactly out of character for the cannon zelda, she had repaired / created an incredibly advanced guardian as a child which was not only capable of showing a personality planing and a facsimile of emotion, but also TIME TRAVEL.

Should I have pretended to be the average three year old because I'm not actually some sort of genius? probably. Will this have consequences for me? most likely. Will I regret this later? Almost certainly. Do I care right now? NO!

Consequences can suck it!

Mama needs to feed her addiction!

Also it wasn’t like I had just started to read books bigger than my head either, I’m still learning to read hylian, it’s a whole new language writing system and alphabet! I’m still stuck on baby books and basic words, but it’s better then nothing!

And sadly the little i can decipher of the hylian writing system is also more advanced than the nothing that real three year olds know. So I’m now the castle's little genius, mom and dad are absolutely brimming with pride. Honestly it’s too much attention placed on little ol me but if it’s a competition between too much attention or not being able to read, I’d choose to read every time.

I’m currently trying to figure out a rough chronology for the events of breath of the wild and all of its proceeding events. (assuming I'm not in the age of calamity: hyrule warriors timeline, but that timeline only exists as a split off of the original timeline so for now i'm assuming im in the original timeline. Prepare for the worst hope for the best and all that rot. Also im not stupid enough to assume that i can be a baby genius and just yha know MAKE a time triveling gaurdian) so that I can best implement my plans. Here’s my rough ROUGH timeline.

10,000 years before the start of the game Gannon attacks and is sealed away by the hero and princess with the help of the 4 champions, the Divine beasts, and the guardians.

At some point after that the sheikah become distrusted due to their powerful magic and technology and are banished.

They split in two the yiga who hate the royals of hyrule for their betrayal and join forces with gannon, and those who remain with the spirit of the sheikah and give up their great skills to remain serving the crown

98,983 years later princess Zelda is born. Shortly before that link is born

At some point a prophecy announcing the return of calamity Ganon is made.

At some point Zelda's mom dies making her unable to learn sealing magic from her.

Zelda is pressured into praying and praying and praying to unlock her sealing magic, at one point even collapsing in freezing water nearly losing her life if it wasn't for urbosa saving her.

The sheikah rediscover the Divine beasts, guardians, and sheikah slate.

Zelda helps to study these ancient artifacts to the disapproval of her father

Link finds the master sword

Link is appointed zelda's personal knight

The champions are chosen

Zelda goes to the spring of wisdom on her 17th birthday and Gannon returns

The champions, king bosphorus, and thousands of innocent people die when Gannon turns the Divine beasts and the guardians against them

Link is mortally wounded and Zelda unlocks her powers.

Link is sent to the shrine of resurrection

Zelda returns the master sword to the lost woods and goes to face Gannon alone for the next 100 years

100 years later Link wakes up with no memories and the events of the game commence.

In the end my plan is quite simple. Make sure my mom doesn't die. All of Zelda's problems stem from her mom's death, Gannon could only wreak havoc because Zelda's mom wasn't there to teach her the sealing magic or deal with calamity Gannon herself. At best my mom could teach me the magic and we could seal Gannon away together or she could do it or I could do it, at worst I can use the magic because I'm not actually the girl who is meant to be the zelda incarnation of hylia. Either way gannon gets defeated, bada bing bada boom no great calamity no destruction of all i've come to know and love.

Does it sound stupidly simplistic yes. But in all honesty it needs to be. There are too many variables at work here to have a twenty step plan and have it all go accordingly. Life is messy and unpredictable and not exactly amenable to complex multi step plans that rely on everything going a certain way. There's a reason that the saying ‘the best way to make God laugh is to tell him your plans,’ is so poupar. This isn't a game any more, stuff happens, free will is a thing. I can't rely on what I think I know. Who knows how much the butterfly effect has already affected things. So simplicity is the name of the game, it allows for the flexibility a rigid multi step plan would not.

So my plan really only has two components: learn sealing magic as soon as I can, And make sure my mom survives.

simple but hopefully effective

______________________________

I toddeled determinedly through the halls ignoring the bemusedly indulgent granny trailing behind me.

Fun fact about being a princess, you don't get any alone time. Ever. i am constantly being monitored, be it by granny, spots, father, mother, or some other random sap assigned to guard duty. Literally the only times I am left alone is when I head to the restroom or am put to bed for the night.

It's only mildly infuriating.

Mildly.

But anyway, at this time of day I would usually be at the library attempting to read some of the less difficult books or in my nursery playing with my toys under the watchful gaze of granny or spots, but today I have a mission. I was going to get my mom to start teaching me sealing magic if it kills me. I had found the perfect excuse as well. An old story book depicting the great matrilineal line of queens and their unique gift bestowed upon them by hylia herself. Now to enact my plans and deploy my greatest weapon. puppy dog eyes.

I stumbled my way into the office where my mom was going over various papers with a serious look upon her face. “Mama!” I cried practically throwing myself into her lap. McGuffin clenched in hand. “What is it my little bird” she smiled blessing my day, watering my crops, clearing my skin, and healing my wounds. “I found something i don't understand!” I chirped, squirming myself into a more comfortable position, book tucked into my arms. “Oh and why didn't you ask ila?” (so that was granny's name, huh.) “mhhhmmm i wanted to ask you!” que puppy dog eyes version 37 bright, cheerful, innocent. Work that toddler arua!

Mother chuckled while granny rolled her eyes behind me, I saw that missy! Don't give me your sass! “Oh and what didn't you understand?” PLAN IS A GO “mama what's se-al-ing magic? Why does the book say I have it? I'm not magic!” I pretended to pout indignantly, flipping to the page in my book that referenced it.

“Sealing magic baby, is the reason our line has ruled hyrule since the hylians lived amongst the clouds, it's a special gift from hylia herself.” hook, line, sinker. “Really?!” “yes my little bird, it's a special magic that lets us seal away bad guys, banish evil, and protect our kingdom. It's proof that we descended from hylia herself” as mother said this she raised one of her hands allowing for it to be bathed in an ethereal golden glow, bathing her in light and making her look like something genuinely devine.

Before this there had always been a little part of me that had been denying the truth. No matter how often it was mentioned in books or stories. No matter how many things had pointed to this being the hyrule of stories, a small part of me had been screaming that magic isn't real and that the legend of Zelda couldn't be real. But now, bathed in divine light and witnessing true honesty to god magic for the first time I could no longer deny the truth. Normally this confirmation would chill me to the bone and cause hysterical fear, but the power before me was warm, comforting, and at the same time incomprehensible. I could not fear when this light this power was here to bolster my spirit. I had never been adamantly religious before, but in the face of this light, for the first time I truly believed in the divine.

As the light faded away and I blinked spots out of my eyes I reaffirmed my mission. I needed to learn how to do that. Yesterday.

“Teach me! Teach me! Teach me!” I chanted practically vibrating where I sat, eyes wide in wonder and awe. “Now now little one, not so fast!” my mother chuckled, ruffling my hair.

“Why not!” I asked indignantly and was a little worried. I NEEDED to know sealing magic for my plan to work. It wasn't safe to put all your eggs in one basket. No matter how hard i would be working to save my mother regardless of calamity ganon.

“You're not old enough yet, my little songbird.” NOT OLD ENOUGH! I WAS 17 YEARS OLD WOMAN WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!? “I am old enough! I know how to read and everything!'' I frowned, doing my best not to show the inner turmoil starting to boil.

A little of it seemed to show on my face with the way mother immediately began to sooth me “zelda that's not what i mean.” my eyes searched hers, they were uncommonly serious. “Our magic is powerful and dangerous. There is a reason i can't teach it to you yet. Your not yet old enough in body or mind to be able to withstand the strain that kind of magic would put on your spirit.” my face must have still looked mutinous because she continued on. “Beyond just that, your power is not developed enough yet even if you could withstand the strain. You wouldn't be powerful enough to actually use your sealing magic.”

This is bad very very bad. “When can i learn it?!” mother chuckled at my assumed enthusiasm “Numbers hold power baby, when you turn seven you can start your lessons.”

Seven, SEVEN! That's years from now! The remaining calm and serenity from the glow of hylia's might drained from my body.

“Now i think it's time for your nap! Come on little bird i'll put you to bed, maybe afterward you can sing me a song hmm?”

Why do the gods hate me?

Also on FanFiction.Net! https://m.fanfiction.net/s/13547505/8/

#botw #princess zelda #zelda #botw fic #botw oc #zelda botw #loz botw #breath of the wild #the advertable inevitability #t.a.i #inevitability

[redditnosleep]

Fran and Jock

by Pippinacious

I was the last in a long line of grandkids on both sides of the family. No one has ever said as much, but I'm pretty sure I was an "oops" baby; the result of one too many glasses of wine and a couple over forty who thought unplanned pregnancies were for teens.

Oops.

By the time I came along, both of my grandmothers had already passed away and my grandfathers were elderly and lived in different states. Trying to coordinate travel plans for a family of five, including an infant, was difficult on a budget and neither of my grandpas were up to frequent trips, so visits were rare and spaced out over long periods.

Still, both of my parents wanted me to have a relationship with them, so we'd trade phone calls so they could hear my nonsensical baby babble, they'd write me letters for Mom and Dad to read to me, and they'd get crayon scribbles in return.

When I was three, they both started to experience declines in health. First my maternal grandpa, then my paternal one. Fearing the worst, Mom purchased a pair of teddy bears, the kind that had recorders in them so you could record a message that would play when the bear was hugged, and made sure to get a message saved from both.

My mom's father died when I was four. A few days after his funeral, I was given a white teddy bear with bright blue eyes that twinkled from beneath a plaid flat cap and a green sweater. When I gave it a squeeze, I heard my grandpa's slightly muffled voice from its stomach.

"I love you, Sadie."

Two years later, after Dad's father passed, I got the other one. It was a slate gray color and the stitching on his face gave him a rather serious expression for a stuffed animal. A pair of red suspenders held up his tan trousers. I fell asleep hugging it and my dad told me some years later, with tears in his eyes, that randomly throughout that night, he kept hearing Grandpop's voice coming from my room.

"I love you, Sadie."

I named my white bear Fran and my gray bear Jock and put them on a shelf above my bed, where they sat throughout my childhood. Honestly, I didn't give them much thought; they had become fixtures of my room, the same way the lamp and dresser were. Every now and again, I'd come home from school to find one of my parents standing beside my bed, looking up at the bears or giving them a little squeeze. Even as time passed, they still recited their single phrase without fail.

Aside from those instances, though, Fran and Jock were little more than dust collectors from my childhood.

When I went away to college, the two didn't make the cut and were left behind while I made my way out into the world for the first time. I think my parents were a little disappointed that I wasn't more sentimental over the teddies, but any memories I had of my grandpas were hazy at best and I didn't have the same emotional connection that they did.

When Mom gently asked about whether I would like them when I moved into my first apartment, I told her no, that they were probably better off with her.

"Ok." She said. "Well, they'll be here if you change your mind."

I was pretty confident I wouldn't.

The next time I went back to my parents' place was to housesit while Dad took Mom on their long awaited vacation out west. He'd been promising her they'd go for over thirty years and they were both buzzing with excitement. In typical Mom fashion, however, she was also very nervous.

"You remember where all the financial documents are in case anything happens to us, right?" She asked from the backseat at least six times on the drive to the airport.

"Yes, in the white bin under your bed."

"And the wills?"

"Fireproof lock box in the back of your closet."

"And th-"

"I think she's got it, hon." Dad said, reaching back to give her knee a squeeze.

Mom harrumphed and sat back. "Just call if you need anything."

"I'll be fine, don't worry! You're only going for a week."

"A lot can happen in a week." She said.

I grinned at her in the rearview mirror, unconcerned, and she made a face at me, but seemed to relax.

After I dropped them off, I drove back to their place and started to make myself at home again. I tossed my suitcase on my bed and went to the kitchen to make some dinner and catch up on one of my shows. It had been a while since I'd had a true, completely free week all to myself and I planned to take full advantage of it. After I ate, I kicked up my feet, stretched out, and commenced "Lazy Lump" mode.

I managed to get almost three episodes in before I started to nod off. I checked the clock over the TV and sighed. It was only just after eleven; was I really turning into an old, early-to-bed woman already? The horror! I rolled off the couch and shut off the tv and all the lights, plunging the house into a deep darkness.

Even in the inky black, I didn't feel even a twinge of nervousness. I'd grown up in the house, I knew it like the back of my hand, and all of its creaks and groans were almost comforting. I made my way to my room and flipped on the light. It had been at least five years since I lived there, but my parents hadn't done much to change my room except store a few bits and bobs in the closet. They said it was so I'd know I'd always have a place with them. I thought it was because changing it would make the fact that I was out for good more real.

Whatever the reason, I appreciated the familiarity.

As I started to unpack my bag, my eye was drawn to the shelf over my bed. Fran and Jock, ever vigilant, were sitting in the same spots they'd occupied for most of my life. I don't know why, but I couldn't help but smile and reach out to them.

I took Fran down first and gave his little cap a tweak before squeezing him around his stomach.

"I love you, Sadie." Grandpa said.

After putting Fran back, I did the same to Jock, who stared up at me with his usual sternness even as I plucked one red suspender.

"I love you, Sadie." Grandpop said.

It was the first time I'd listened to them in a while. Even if they didn't resonate as deeply with me as they did my parents, I was glad to find their recordings still worked.

A quick trip to the bathroom and a change into my pjs later, I was in bed and fast falling asleep.

I can't say exactly what woke me. A nightmare, I figured, given that my heart was beating quite quickly, but I couldn't remember any details. I took a deep breath and rolled over, already falling half asleep again, and found myself face to face with a dark figure on the pillow beside me. I yelped and sat up, grabbing at my phone, my nearest source of light, and shined it towards my bed.

Fran was lying on his side beside me.

I let out a small chuckle and gave myself a little shake to dismiss the lingering fright that he'd caused and picked him up.

"Did you fall off the shelf?" I asked him quietly. I must have put him back too close to the edge earlier and gravity had done its duty.

I gave Fran a gentle squeeze.

"Get out."

I stared down at the bear and blinked once, very slowly. I must be more sleepy than I realized, I thought. I was hearing things. To prove to myself that it had just been my imagination, I squeezed him again.

"Get out."

It was still Grandpa's voice, but instead of the soft warmth it had always had, it sounded cold, almost menacing. I threw Fran across the room, where he hit the wall.

From over my head, I heard Grandpop's more gravely voice.

"Get out."

I whipped around and looked up at Jock. He was sitting in the same place as always, but now he was turned towards the door instead of facing forwards. Had I put him down like that? I couldn't remember.

"Get out!" Grandpa's voice came from Fran again, louder this time.

"Get out!" Grandpop echoed from Jock.

The two went back and forth, their voices getting louder and louder, until I slapped my hands over my ears and leapt from my bed. I wanted to scream, but my voice was stuck behind my fear tangled tongue. I stumbled across my dark room, chased by my long dead grandfathers' voices.

"I know you're down there!" Jock shouted with Grandpop's voice.

I froze. Down there? Down under the shelf? I glanced over my shoulder at the gray bear staring silently down from over my bed. I had to get out of my room. I had to get out of the house! I yanked open my door.

"I see you!" Fran said in Grandpa's voice.

I was halfway out into the hall, tears streaming down my face. I didn't know what was happening, was I going crazy? Was I dreaming? All I knew was that my two childhood toys were screaming threats at me and I had to get away from them. I turned towards the stairs.

"You take one more step, I'll make sure it's your last!" Jock bellowed.

"Get out!" Fran roared.

From somewhere downstairs, a step creaked.

Someone else was in the house.

They weren't yelling at me at all, I realized with a very strange mix of confusing relief and newly formed horror. They were yelling at the intruder who was making their way up the stairs, towards me.

"Get out!" My grandfathers howled together.

Footsteps clamored across the wood floor downstairs. Something fell over in the living room with a loud crash, and again in the kitchen, before the back door slammed against the counter as it was thrown open and a car engine rumbled to life.

Somehow, I regained my wits enough to run to my parents room and look out the window to the driveway below. An SUV was peeling backwards out into the street. It slammed into the neighbor's mailbox, righted itself, and then screeched off into the night.

A heavy quiet had fallen over the house again.

After waiting a few, long, tense minutes, I crept back across the hall and peeked into my room. Fran and Jock were where I'd left them, both completely silent. When they stayed that way, I hesitantly approached Fran, who was lying on his side with his little flat cap beside him. I picked him up and, with trembling fingers, squeezed his stomach.

"I love you, Sadie." Grandpa said warmly.

I put his cap back on his head and gently put him back on the shelf beside Jock and backed out of the room, watching them the whole time with wide eyes. As I rounded the corner, heading downstairs to the phone, I heard Grandpop's voice trailing after me.

"I love you, Sadie."

The police arrived a bit later, following my frantic call to 911. I filed a report, leaving out the bit about my talking bears, and allowed them to collect whatever evidence they could. Every so often, I found myself glancing at the stairs, almost like I was expecting a repeat of whatever had just happened. It never came and the cops wrapped it up, leaving me alone again.

When I called my parents to tell them about the break in, they immediately wanted to rush home, but I assured them there was no need.

"Really," I said, "I don't think I have anything to worry about."

"We could be on the next plane." Mom insisted.

"No, I'm ok. Whoever that guy was, I'm pretty sure he won't be back."

It took a few more go arounds, but I eventually convinced them I was safe.

And I felt it, too, for the most part. After the initial shock had worn off and I'd had time to process what had happened, I really was ok. I couldn't explain it, I couldn't tell anyone what had happened without sounding crazy, but I knew it had been real and I knew, as long as I had Fran and Jock sitting on the shelf above my bed, I could sleep easy.

A few days later, the cops did find the guy who broke in. He was a coworker of my dad's who'd overheard he'd be out of town. He thought the house would be empty and easy pickings. When he tried to tell them about the two crazy guys upstairs and their violent threats, they rolled their eyes and laughed at him. He was very surprised to hear that only a twenty-two year old woman had been in the house during his botched burglary.

When I returned home to my apartment a week later, Fran and Jock were with me. I keep them on the tv stand in the living room now, where they have a full view of the front door. Whenever I start to feel a bit anxious about being alone, I'll give each bear a little squeeze and smile as they speak.

"I love you, Sadie."

And now I respond. "I love you both, too."

#creepy #horror story #author: Pippinacious

[star-trekkin-across-theuniverse]

TrekFest 2017

Four times you fell for Bones, and the one time he fell for you, pt1: Bambassabor and Doctor Bones

Word Count: 2674 Tags: @dolamrothianlady, @supermoonpanda, @kirkaholic123, @shewhorunswithfandoms @youdonebeengarthed, @starmission @emmkolenn @auduna-druitt @outside-the-government @yourtropegirl @pinkamour1588 @impalaanddemons @flirtswithdanger @southernbellestatues @engineeringtrashcan @rayleyanns @sistasarah-sallysaidso @samaxraph99

“Ambassador Y/L/N? I understand you need a pre-mission assessment?” An attractive blonde nurse approached you where you’d sat down to wait. You nodded, handing her the questionnaire you’d been asked to fill out. “Follow me. Doctor McCoy is running a little behind today, but I can get your labs drawn while you wait.”

“Thank you?” You weren’t sure, but you thought she was the head nurse.

“Chapel, Christine. You can call me Chris,” she smiled and led you back to the furthest biobed before darting away for a lab kit. A tall, handsome doctor you could only assume was McCoy was dealing with a red shirt at the biobed nearest you, and you couldn’t help but overhear as he berated the young man for the foolish way he’d been injured. You felt yourself bristle as you eavesdropped on the conversation, and didn’t realize that it was obvious you were listening in until the doctor looked at you, arched his fine eyebrow and enabled the privacy curtain, effectively blocking you.

“So I just have basic bloodwork to draw, Ambassador,” Christine spoke as she approached the bedside. She made quick work of your tests, distracting you from the underlying annoyance you felt after your interaction with the doctor with her quick humour. “I’ll let Doctor McCoy know you’re waiting.”

You sat back on the biobed after adjusting it, and read your assignment dossier. The planet you were headed to was petitioning for membership in the Federation, and you were expected to assess their system of governance, their military and their space program. You were deep in the structure of government, trying to figure out how the military advisors interacted with the body of governors who ran the planet when the doctor finally approached.

“Sorry about the wait. Idiots in Engineering think MedBay is their own personal playground.” It was the same handsome man you’d first noticed. You nodded.

“So it’s your responsibility to berate them while you heal them?” You countered, your tone a little sharper than you’d intended.

“Sweetheart, I’m a doctor, not a babysitter. If a crewman does something stupid and winds up injured, I have a duty to inform them of their stupidity,” he laughed, dismissively. He looked down at his PADD. “I see you need some vaccines and a certificate of health.”

“Should be fairly straightforward,” you explained. “I had a physical at Yorktown about three months ago. This is just to update my vaccines and general wellness -”

“I’ll be the judge of your wellness, Ambassador,” he cut you off. You looked him in the eye and raised an eyebrow in question. “Not only am I the doctor, I’m the CMO. You’re on the flagship. That might suggest I’m a damn fine doctor. So why don’t you let me get to doctoring you. I’ll decide if you are fit for your mission.”

“Are you always this dismissive of your patients, Doctor McCoy?” You asked, a slight edge to your tone. He raised his eyebrow and met your gaze.

“Just the ones that keep me from doing my job, Ambassador Y/L/N,” he smiled. Your gaze narrowed and you pressed your lips together to prevent yourself from saying something you might regret.

“Perhaps you could be persuaded to stop wasting time with idle conversation then, and get this assessment over with?” You shot, not bothering to hide your annoyance.

“Happy to, sweetheart,” he nodded, and held the tricorder up to your face.

You left the MedBay, annoyed and irritable. He’d upset you enough that your blood pressure had spiked, causing him to arch his wretched eyebrow and suggest you weren’t in perfect health. Which had further aggravated you, until your heart was racing as well. It wasn’t until the nurse, Christine, interceded that your vital signs had stabilized and he’d cleared you for your mission.

You weren’t exactly paying attention as you stalked down the hall, but a shriek of fear immediately followed by a sob that could only be pain distracted you from the cloud you were under and brought you back to the present.

“Help!” It was the voice of a small child. You gathered the weight of your ceremonial robes into your arm, and picked up your pace, following the sound of the distress call. When you finally laid eyes on the two children at the end of the hall, you hiked your robes higher and ran towards them. A small blonde girl was kneeling beside a larger dark-haired boy, holding her hands on his belly. Both of them were soaked in blood, and the boy was alarmingly pale. You tore off your gowns and discarded them, leaving you in a fitted tunic and leggings, and dropped to your knees beside the boy.

“What is your name, dear heart?” You asked, hoping to keep him conscious. He blinked slowly and looked at the little girl.

“Him doesn’t speak, ma’am,” she answered. “Him’s name is Rayne. My am Kya.”

“What happened, Kya?” You found a weak spot at the edge of your gown and tore a strip off of it, laying it over Kya’s hands and working it under Rayne’s back. You tied it off at her hands, tight, and then nodded for her to let go. Rayne gasped and lost consciousness. You pulled him into your arms, and laid his small body against you, offering your free hand to Kya as you swiftly headed back toward MedBay.

“We was playing, and he runned into the wall there. It look like them covers on the pokey part was goned.” She was articulate for her size, you thought, and she was able to keep up with your long strides.

“I bet Doctor McCoy can fix him up,” you offered as you pulled her through the doors to MedBay. “Doctor McCoy! I have an emergency -”

“I’m afraid your political intrigues -” he started, cutting you off. You carried Rayne over to the nearest biobed and laid him down.

“This has nothing to do with me and everything to do with this little boy. I could have sworn you said you were a damn fine doctor?” You interrupted. He looked up, and saw Rayne, and Kya, both red with Rayne’s blood and ran toward you from the patient he was with.

“What happened? Is the girl okay?” He pushed you aside, and immediately started assessing Rayne.

“This is Rayne and Kya. Kya says they were playing in the hall when Rayne ran into the bulkhead. She thinks a bolt cover was missing. When I found her, she was applying pressure to the wound. It was about three minutes between me hearing the scream from the injury and getting to the children, and probably has been ten minutes since the injury happened,” you explained, trying to be as thorough as possible.

“What is this that you bandaged him with?” He asked as he unknotted the fabric.

“My gowns. They impede quick movement,” you shrugged.

“If you can take the girl and get her cleaned up, I’ll manage the boy,” he said, his voice softer. “Rayne, I’m gonna need to poke you, son. It shouldn’t hurt, but we need to get some fluids into you while I fix you up.”

“Come on, Kya, let’s find you something clean, and find your Mum or Dad,” you slipped an arm around her shoulder and led her toward the nurse’s station. “You were very brave, sweetie.”

“I don’t have one.” Kya’s comment was a bit of a non-sequitur. “Rayne don’t neither.”

“Have one what?” You asked, collecting the towel and a washbasin that Christine offered you.

“A Mum. Or a Dad. We was collected from Remus VI. There was a fanine,” she said. “Rayne our farm hand, we taked care of him when him Dad die last winter. Mine die from starving.”

Your heart broke and you looked over at the bed Rayne was laid out on, watching Doctor McCoy working on him. You couldn’t hear what he was saying, but his mouth was constantly moving, you suspected reassuring the boy about each intervention he started. “Let’s get you washed up, sweetie, and then we’ll check on your friend.”

After helping Kya get clean, you took her to find her guardian and a change of clothes. The man, Carelius Drayton, was going out of his mind with worry, and you found your diplomatic skills helpful in calming his fears. You discovered he’d been left in charge of over a dozen children from the Remus VI colony, all orphaned by the famine. Each one had a complex medical history, and you realized as you spoke with Mr. Drayton that Doctor McCoy had likely been involved in their care from the moment they’d arrived on the ship. No wonder he was short-tempered, with the additional burden of malnourished children on his slate. 

“Ma’am, can I go see Rayne?” Kya interrupted your conversation with Mr. Drayton quietly, by tugging on the hem of your still bloodied tunic. “You take me?”

“If that’s acceptable to Mr. Drayton, I absolutely can.” You looked to the guardian for permission, and he nodded.

“Please let Doctor McCoy know I’ll be down to discuss Rayne with him as soon as I can settle the rest of the children,” he replied.

“Kya, we’re going to stop at my quarters on our way so I can dispose of these clothes, okay?” You took her hand and led her down the hall toward your room.

You didn’t bother with robes, choosing instead to trade out your dirty tunic for a clean one. While you changed, Kya looked around at the few knick-knacks you’d brought with you to personalize your space. Your diplomatic certification, a small doll from your first mission, a paper fan from another one. Kya’s eye lit on the doll with the covetous look only a small child deprived of everything could muster, and without thinking, you took it down from the shelf and handed it to her.

“She doesn’t have a name. You’ll have to pick one,” you offered. Her eyes went wide and she gathered the doll to her chest, nestling her nose in the soft silky hair.

“What your name, ma’am?” She asked, lips pressed against the crown of the doll’s head.

“Y/N,” you replied.

“That a good name for her. And then I always remember you,” she smiled shyly. You blinked away a few tears, and smiled in return.

“Let’s go see your friend.” You offered your hand, and she readily took it, lacing her fingers in yours.

MedBay was considerably quieter than it had been on either of your earlier visits when you arrived, you noticed with some relief. Doctor McCoy was sitting beside Rayne’s bed, a PADD propped in his lap, and a cup of coffee in his hand, his feet propped up on a stool. Kya pulled free of your hand and ran over to the bed, causing Doctor McCoy to drop his feet and slosh coffee into his lap, resulting in him jumping up and dropping his PADD. Kya stopped, and flinched away.

“Sorry, Doctor Bones,” she mumbled. He wiped his hand off on his pants and then ruffled her hair.

“Don’t worry about it, princess, I should have known you wouldn’t stay away from him for long.” His voice was warm and kind, completely different than it had been with you earlier. He scooped her up in his arms, and pushed the soft blonde hair off her face. “He’s sleeping now. Probably will for a couple of days while everything heals up, but he’ll be better than ever when I’m done with him.” 

Kya wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you, Doctor Bones. Him’s my only family left.” The doctor flushed a little, and looked up, meeting your gaze. He looked away quickly, and noticed the doll in Kya’s arms.

“And who is this?” He asked, tapping the doll’s chest. Kya pointed at you and smiled.

“That’s Y/N. The bambassabor gived her to me,” she explained. “She a nice lady.”

“She certainly is,” Doctor McCoy smiled. “Here, princess, let’s sit you down by Rayne and you can tell him about your adventure with Ambassador Y/L/N while I talk with her.” He settled her on the edge of the biobed, and Kya laced her fingers in Rayne’s and started babbling about seeing your room to the sleeping boy. Doctor McCoy approached you.

“You probably saved his life,” he started, his tone the same soft and kind he’d been using with the children. You met his gaze and felt your heart skip a beat. “If you hadn’t heard them -”

“Thank god I did then,” you interrupted. You couldn’t look away from his eyes. They changed colour from green to hazel as the light in the MedBay changed, and they carried a warmth to them. Like working on the little boy had recharged the kindness in his heart, so much so that it radiated out of him. You noticed, for the first time, the wrinkles at the sides of his eyes, lines that could only be there as a result of good humour. “He’ll really be okay?” You forced your gaze back to the two children on the biobed. Kya was snuggling up beside Rayne, curling her small body under his arm, and pulling the limb around her.

“The complication of his malnourishment made the injury worse than it should have been, but like I said,” he paused, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, “I’m a damn fine doctor.”

“Their guardian said he’d be down to see you once he gets the other children settled,” you offered, not liking the flutter you were feeling in your chest. “Would you like me to take Kya back and sit with the others so he can come see you?”

He shook his head and made a face. “Nah, leave her there. That’s how those two were found, snuggled up together. He’s so used to protecting her, feeling her there beside him will encourage him. I’ll comm Drayton. No point in him losing track of the other kids just to come see these two.”

“You’re good with kids, Doctor Bones,” you teased, your voice softer than you’d expected it to be. He shrugged and shook his head. “The nickname is cute.”

“Jim thought it was pretty clever. He invited the kids to call me that when we picked them up. Said it humanized me,” he chuckled.

“So he gave it to you because of the kids?”

“Oh hell no. He’s been calling me Bones since we were at the academy,” he laughed.

“There’s gotta be a story there,” you suggested. He turned and smiled.

“There might be,” he agreed. “But another time. Listen, I’m sorry that I was abrupt with you this afternoon -”

You interrupted him with a sharp laugh. “Abrupt? Is that what we’re calling it?” You couldn’t help the giggle that followed. He scowled, but it wasn’t the same angry look he’d graced you with earlier. It was repentant, and self-conscious. “You were a bear this afternoon. You certainly went into the right field, Doctor Bones.” You kept your tone light.

“Oh? Why’s that?” He asked, his eyebrow quirked.

“You wouldn’t make much of a diplomat,” you laughed. He shook his head, and let out a soft chuckle, elbowing you softly. You leaned into him in response, realizing how comfortable watching him with the children had made you, and fighting that flutter in your chest again.

“I guess it’s a good thing that’s your job then, sweetheart,” he smiled. “I meant to comm you. You’ve got another vaccine. I was double-checking the list, and somehow missed it.”

“Well, I’m here now?” You suggested. He shook his head.

“Come back tomorrow, when we’re both fresh. This one has a few potential side effects so I’d like to be able to observe you,” he explained.

“It’s a date then,” you smiled. “I should probably get some sleep. 

“Tomorrow, Bambassabor,” he winked.

“Tomorrow, Doctor Bones,” you grinned.

#trek fest 2017 #star trek imagine #imagine star trek #leonard bones mccoy #bones mccoy #bones #bones x reader #leonard mccoy x reader

[sanguinesprout]

Some storms have passed, hopefully it’ll be warmer soon (updates and blah)

Um, welp... this may be my late-st post yet, that’s something new I guess lol, it ain’t so bad. I was seriously considering not posting this month but I know if I don’t stick to some sort of schedule then I’ll get too lazy and all past efforts will just be lost. At first I was busy for a few days, then I remembered and felt lazy some and then I forgot for some more days, but I’m here now and Imma write this post hoo!

I had another kind of argument and cry involving my sis but it was from a misunderstanding and it was brief and the make up was fast. I still find it hard to express my true feelings to her and her words still cut so strikingly hurtful and are seemingly insensitive at times, but some of mine must’ve hurt her just as bad too. When will I be able to speak my true mind? It’s just so difficult... but in time, with some work I really hope for that to be possible. 

Lately, I’ve been more active on getting my health problems sorted out, making and going to appointments and stuff. Well, none of the problems have actually been sorted out yet, as previously attempted, but I gotta keep pushing about them to hopefully get a better sort of resolution this time. I also went to some other health appointments I had being putting off, as with a lot of things, they weren’t as bad as I thought they’d be, which is good and good of me to finally do them ^^ Avoiding and not doing anything accomplishes nothing after all and again health is super important!

One of the appointments was to a mental health advisor person. The funny thing is I was inadvertently recommended to see them when I was investigating some physical problems. I kinda was hopeful that maybe I’d get referred somewhere better than last time’s super general counsellor by this advisor but uhhh nope. They smiled a lot and asked me how I generally was and a few tidbits about my past and then everything else was just some very general stuff about changing the way you think blah blah. I brung up AVPD, asked if there was anyone I could see who specialised in personality disorders but it was pretty much brushed off, which really sucked. 

At the end they asked if maybe I was interested in mindfulness/anxiety-reducing group therapy sessions and gave me some brief printouts with info. My first instinct would be to avoid like hell at the mention of being in a group, I was kind of irked by it and they noticed but they said to think about it and let them know next week. I also asked if there was someone else I could see 1-on-,1 but as they could see on record I already went to see someone last time (which I guess is the only thing of that they have) there was no luck there.

I’m debating whether to go or not, it could be helpful, there actually isn’t anything to lose. I’m just super paranoid about accidentally meeting someone I knew there (which is pretty irrational and who cares really ‘cause we’re in the same boat kinda thing). Also that I’ll have to give lots of info about myself to strangers, but the sheets say you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to/contribute as little or as much as you like, so that took away some of my uneasiness.

I can’t say it’ll be worth it or not unless I try it of course, a new experience and going out is good at least. I think maybe I will research it some more, then maybe go at least for one session just to see if I like it... hmm. Be brave me! You’ll be okay!

There were two groups I got handouts on, they’re both kind of similar but not. I assume I can only attend one, which one to choose? Maybe I’ll ask for more details when I next see the advisor. I’m proud of myself for going to the advisor foremost, I was pretty anxious and ready to avoid them at first lol.

I’m still very concerned about my family’s health :c My mum has been doing somewhat better, test results are slightly positive but still iffy and more follow-up tests are needed. The wait for those is long, it’s saddening and all the more scary. I really hope she’ll be okay. I wish I was stronger and could help out more. I really need to help myself faster and then help everyone else as soon as I can.

My dad’s health has actually been worse lately, we’ve been noticing some extra symptoms and even he has mentioned not feeling well and we keep telling him to see the doctor but he’s still super reluctant to. But even once he wondered to us if he should go after all. Being scared of going to the doctor or being scared of the increasing toll your health could be taking? I know which one of those I find worse. Maybe I should be more tricky like I did the previous times making appointments for him or at least try more convincing.

My sis’ health has not been too great lately either, she took on a second job and it’s very draining physically and she doesn’t get as much sleep but she does it because we need the extra financial help. I don’t like that it’s taking a strain on her health, it’s both physically and mentally stressful. I definitely agree she should quit if it really is too much. I need to hurry and get a job, things aren’t looking too great for me lately though, no more interview offers as of yet and not many application opportunities out there.

The job my sis got is actually the one I mentioned last time, which I was also invited to interview for. The ‘interview’ was just an extremely long winded talk with about only enough time for you to say maybe a few sentences about yourself in a room of a few people. Their whole system and just everything is extremely unorganised and so slap dash. The appointment dates were messed up and the interviewer had not seen any of our CV’s so all he had to go on to decide was the few lines we uttered pretty much.

As my sis works there now, she’s been telling me of how that disorganised-ness and everything literally encompasses and translates to the whole store and all its’ staff’s less than ideal work attitudes. I seriously thought such a big company would’ve been so much better than this, it’s really disappointing and makes me like it so much less. In a way, I’m kind of glad I was rejected, it’s like I dodged a bullet and with my health I would’ve struggled ten-fold 

I was disappointed with myself when I gave my few lines about myself in the ‘interview’. We were asked mostly what our career experience was and I really didn’t have much at all. I also answered briefly because I was one of the first to be asked. Just sitting there while everyone else went through their long list of past jobs and duties, man, it sucked and totally pushed me far out of the orbit of consideration lol. I was proud of myself at least for enduring the long-ass talks and for engaging and asking questions and keeping my cheery face on, good me.

In other things I kind of cut contact with the few online ‘friends’ I had been awkwardly avoiding and being scared to get rid of for so long. I was so anxious about it for so many years and had resorted to just not visiting that place at all but now that weight has pretty much been lifted. I still feel riddled with guilt and feel sad about it, but they weren’t really ‘friend friends’ more like acquaintances from a past mutual interest, so I shouldn’t feel so bad. I can’t believe all the energy I wasted fretting and overthinking, to them it was probably nothing as they have many other more important friends. People move on and people find new friends and interests, it happens all the time and it’s okay, it’s just life.

If something is hurting you or making you uncomfortable, just let it go, get rid of it for the sake of yourself and your health. It might hurt someone by doing so, but not doing so and letting yourself be hurt so much is no good either. That’s what a different friend told me and they are probably the only one I still keep in contact with now. I guess I got so caught up in being afraid to hurt some people a little that I forgot I was hurting myself a lot in the process. 

Even with the good friend though, it’s... awkward and uncomfortable still in a way, I’m not sure if’s just me or maybe if it’s them a little. I feel like maybe they only still talk to me to be nice. That they reply only out of obligation, but I’ve asked them this and they’ve denied it kind of... Tbh I feel like I wanted to cut contact with them too sometimes but I couldn’t and I probably wouldn’t. 

I can’t be sure if that’s just the avoidant and irrational part of me talking. You know, all the bad stuff floating in my head telling me I’m a nuisance to others, not worth talking to, awkward and just all these things putting myself down in general when it comes to communication and worth, I shouldn’t believe it. None of it is really true. Why is it so easy to believe these lies and irrational thoughts?

I am good and I am worthy, I have the choice to let go of things and believe in things that I want to, and I want these things to be positive and true, not negative and irrational! 

In other creative/leisure blah I have just not had the mood or energy to do much at all and it really blows because there’s still so much I haven’t done yet. I don’t want to keep being afraid of everything >< I did manage to do the tiniest bit of sewing again, things went wrong again and it was stressful but it kind of went okay in the end, so yay!

I’ve been kind of trying to build up the courage to sort of interact and be present more online, though the action hasn’t happened yet. It’s what happens when I take a break from something, the fear just builds up again and I’m back to square one. I feel like as with the previous mentioned stuff about friends and just kind of existing in places I didn’t want to be, that my slate has partially been wiped clean, like I can start anew and just be me a bit more in a new place. It’s only partially though, I still feel held back by all the bad feels and guilt and awkward from just every past interaction and the fear of the new. I need some more pep talk and convincing for myself first, but I will get there!

Something helpful to remember to do is instead of thinking of everything that could go wrong, to instead think of everything that could go right! It really flips over that scary negative feeling into something more nice and motivating. In the case of what I’m trying to do, it’s something I’ve already done before, so I’ve proven to myself I can do it already. Doing things is not actually that hard or scary, just don’t overthink everything and look to the positives rather than the negatives! Apply this more more more!

I think here’s a good place to stop now. As with every time... I did it, I wrote the post after putting it off so long, yay! 8D

I will try to remind myself the best I can, to be positive, be brave and be me! 

You too! Keep going! Up up up!

Have a positive and productive week! :D

#avpd #depression #social anxiety #social awkwardness #positive thinking #look after yourself and your loved ones #things aren't always as hard as they seem #it's okay for things to not be perfect #don't overthink #try your best! #let positivity shine through #be brave #do what makes you happy