#sand vagina

[dcrlvz]

underrated skit 😪

#modern art #look at this masterpiece #chris pontius #steve o #jackass #jackass volume 1 #sand vagina #sand #i love pontius #bam margera #cky #ryan dunn #cky crew #johnny knoxville #viva la bam #dave england

[victimized-martyr]

I love all your kyman hc's so much!!!!😭❤ I just need to hear more, so here are my questions: if kyman got married how would they act around each other? And do you think they'd adopt kids and if yes: what would they name them? And would they raise them jewish or christian or both?

Aaahhh I know there are too many questions I'm sorry 😭😭

Don’t apologize, I love talking about kyman :D

Regardless of context, the core of their dynamic is: Cartman is the instigator, Kyle reacts, a little back and forth, escalate the issue to Nth degrees of insanity, Kyle lands the final blow. Though sometimes, depending on the issue, Kyle lands the last punch thinking he’s won, only for Cartman to win the war last minute. Another way the show’s mixed things up, is that Kyle’s victory is undermined either by South Park itself, or Cartman. I see their marriage as an opportunity to expand their unique dynamic and introduce new plotlines/ jokes that couldn’t be done if they were still kids.

I see Cartman taking Randy’s place as the adult that’s always up to no good, the fixture of South Park’s weirdness. self serving hijinks flare up just about every week. Meanwhile, the Sharon (or straight man) to offset that cannot be anyone else but Kyle. This time however, unlike the marshes, and perhaps most couples in South Park, the Brofloski’s are truly in love. That’s kinda the joke. The couple that started out insulting each other and trying to kill each other on multiple occasions end up in the happiest relationship. I see them fitting nicely among the pantheon of sitcom couples— Mitchel and Cameron, Marge and Homer, Ralph and Alice, Gomez and Morticia. Their relationship, in Trey fashion, pays homage to and in the same breath, mocks those classic couples.

TLDR, Their dynamic is in tact, it’s just evolved to a new label. Instead of sort of friends-ish, they’re a couple. They’re still loud, obsessed with each other, fight over issues, hang out and share similar tastes. Only this time they got rings on their fingers. And if they don’t fistfight, how do they deal with their classic arguments? Well, like any sensible american couple, of course! they fuck each other’s brains out! ( just kidding. I have this vision of Cartman doing the most outrageous shit and Kyle chasing him offscreen in anger, Cartman shouting “domestic abuse domestic abuse!”)

I’m not sure what they’d name their kids. Does it matter? I do know what personalities I’d like them to have though— the 1st, their oldest, is outgoing, entitled, bossy, manipulative, a performative people pleaser, makes everyone’s problems their responsibility, and is quick witted. (A 2w3) Much like Eric, they are exceptionally charismatic and love being in the limelight. And like Kyle, they love getting involved in the lives of others, seen as helpful. The 2nd child is less outspoken, prefers to keep opinions to themselves, a dispassionate observer. ( poster child for 8w9) Like Eric, they’re materialistic, and prone to laziness. Still, they are an intellectual like Kyle, and far more principled in comparison to their sibling/Eric. They’re probably the most capable and dangerous in the family. They don’t shoot themselves in the foot like Cartman, and they don’t fight against the currents of South Park like Kyle. If they wanted to, they could take over the world and succeed where the Brofloskis failed. They just don’t care though lol.

I could never, ever see them as a two religion household. Yeah, Cartman has been portrayed as a bigoted Christian (or in his words, “[used] Christianity as an excuse to be a piece of shit”), but carrying that extremity to adulthood isn’t as funny. I don’t know how to articulate that other than, many extreme right wingers on twitter weren’t able to read Cartman’s bigotry in Cupid Ye as hyperbolic and instead took it as fact, and praised the stuff he whispered into Tolkien’s ears. His actions in Cissy were recently trending and was seen as heroic and like, justification why trans ppl can’t use whatever bathrooms they want. You can’t escalate the crazy stuff from real life anymore— it’s become reality. So the funniest thing to do, is either personify it as something else or, run in the opposite direction. If anything, PC has shown us that it’s funnier that the very same kid who once belittled Judaism in fact, became devoutly Jewish and proceeded to rub it in everyone’s faces rather than him ending up as some evil businessman. You rob bigots the chance to idolize Cartman, but give Cartman the freedom to hone his brand of idiocy on other things. So! Kyle slaps the antisemitism outta him, they get married, bam. They are a Jewish family.

#south park #kyman #eric cartman #kyle broflovski #cartman #what is brevity? hell if I know #asks #talk tag #Again it’s important that Cartman’s an asshole in different ways #like there’s this excellent trey quote where he introduces Matt as his wife #and like. wouldn’t that be the perfect way to piss kyle off?? #‘My lovely wife Kahl’ ‘honey you really need to get that sand out of your vagina’ #Cartman just loves Kyle’s attention in general so yeah he’s a tease but instead of insults he prefers flirting #is it because its the right thing to do and the way to respect his spouse? sure if that’s what u think. all Cartman knows is that #the less he insults his husband and the more praise he gives the better sexy times is #the insults don’t come from a genuine place anymore either bc again he’s reconciled how in love he is w/ kyle #and w/ kyle he knows cartman is all talk and he loves putting him in place and like why would he pummel his husband in punches if kisses #knocks him off his pedestal even more?? literally a look will bring his husband to his knees (reverence..apology..other..doesn’t matter) #oop im blurring this tag w/ my next answered question lolol

[spacemancraig1111111111]

i don't get why ppl hate on my otp just bc they held hands one time. Did you guys even watch the episode lmao cartman even made a gay joke. Let them have their moment pls 💙🧡

#Btw i'm talking about when he told stan “ew you're holding hands w a girl thats fuckin gay” #And no i'm not delusional that was a crenny episode and they're r so in love<3 #crenny #They had more potential than like 95% of other sp ships let's b real 🤭😌 #super fun time #it does lowkey make me sad when i see ppl say this when i'm just trying to find fanart w them 🤭😕 #i don't rly care tho my otp still held hands 🤭 pls get the sand out of your vagina

[ladykennymccormick]

I have to be real and speak my truth for all the south parkers tonite. The cis one w the least amount of gender fuckery is Kyle. I know I love him and I hear the rabble but some of you are mistaking cartman, an antisemite, doing the antisemitic thing of taking away Kyle’s masculinity because he is Jewish and equating it to Kyle himself being a gender fuckup of his own accord.

#This is so rant n bitchy but I see Kyle winning the second place medal of the gender fuckup war I CREATED and I have to speak my piece #Sidebar rn I do love trans Kyle he has his place but he is not my vision #Like majority of the hc come from projections which is hashtag cool n I love but taking what cartman says as trans sand vagina which is eh #kyle broflovski #south park #sp

[akkawi]

I hate misogyny just as much as anyone else but good Lord some of you girls must be absolutely miserable with how much you try to willingly misinterpret things

#Like how do you even function in life #there's so much misogyny prevalent in society in the media and this is what you decide to get sand in your vagina about.

[antha]

“Calm your tits and dust out your vagina, I’m joking, [Kyle]” is probably the line I’m currently the most proud of in the Kyman fic I’m writing. Do with that what you will

#I love Cartman dialogue #but I feel uncomfortable writing it sometimes #I’m sure you can understand why #hint: not because of sand in vagina jokes #kyman #fanfic #ao3

[lewishcmilton]

i just fucking got dowsed by this huge wave and fell on the beach rip me 

#my clothes are fucking drenched im so grateful my glasses didn't go flying off #i have sand in my vagina this is rancid

[washeduphazbin]

Hi, I would like to ask for a smut from Adam x fem Reader, his dear wife is going to pay him a visit at his work and in the end they almost get paid for lute

New Eve (Adam x Fem! Wife! Reader)

-SMUT AHEAD MINORS DNI-

Other warnings: Adam Being Adam

I hope I wrote this ask and understood it correctly! Adam is my guilty pleasure. I love men who are dumb as rocks and who are going to be absolutely leashed by even stronger women.

REQUESTS OPEN

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

There's a saying that all good things come in threes, Lilith, Eve, and you. Adam's final wife, who physically couldn't be swayed by Lucifer because Adam had met you in Heaven. When you passed through the pearly gates, you were greeted by none other than the first human himself. You were in awe for about two seconds until you quickly gathered the first man was a complete and utter dickhead. He seemed to falter when you walked past him to greet an angel named Lute, Adam's second in command. She tensed a little as you introduced yourself, ignoring Adam's protests that dubbed you a Queen Mega Bitch.

All this to say, it took about three months before Lute caught Adam sticking his tongue down your throat with you latched onto him like a koala. You made a distressed sound at being caught while listening to Adam laugh above you. You distinctly heard him call your mouth as good as a vagina while pressing a kiss to your hairline. "Adam!" You hissed, pulling on the horns of his mask as he let out a defiant sound, "Inappropriate."

"Ugh yeah, that's kind of my thing, sugar tits."

"You need to not make it your thing, or this thing doesn't happen." You drew your line in the metaphorical sand before marching out of the room, faintly hearing Lute argue about Adam's behavior behind you.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Two years later, you were Adam's new 'Eve' in heaven with two golden rings to prove the love that formed between the two of you...somehow. Did the both of you fight constantly? Yes. Did you want to wring his neck every time he opened the gaping hole he called a mouth? Also Yes. But did you love him...unfortunately. Even though he had a laundry list of bad habits, a vulgar mouth, and gross hobbies, he had his moments. He was protective, fiercely so, and despite his fuck boy personality, he only had his sights set on you. Lute often asked you what you saw in Adam, and you'd reluctantly sigh and give a tired grin, "He makes me laugh. Plus, with proper motivation, he's putty in my hand." Lute made a sound of understanding, nodding her head,

"Ah, yes. Use your feminine wiles to control those weaker than you, even if they may be physically stronger. We must use what we are given as women. Well, you must. I'm very strong without using that to my advantage."

"Yes, exactly," You snickered as Lute stopped outside Adam's office. "Which is exactly why Sera put me in charge of convincing Adam to meet with The Morningstar's daughter." You groaned, rubbing the bridge of your nose, "I'll see you back here later, then?"

"Yes, ma'am." Lute bowed, "I wish you luck...you'll need it. He's in one of his moods." before taking off into the sky and down the hall. You reached up with a stretch of your arms, fluffing up your wings to look extra pretty before knocking on Adam's door,

"Adam." You hummed, knocking on the grand marble door once before opening it. You leaned against the entranceway, wings brushing against the floor, as his head shot up.

"Sugartits!"

"Not my name!" You dodged Adam's hug with a flurry of your wings; he grinned, shoving the door closed with his hip. "Adam," you said in warning as he used his angelic magic to fly towards you and trap you within his arms.

"and what would you prefer I call you? My Bitch? Wifey?" He mused, peppering sloppy kisses against your cheek and down your neck. "We could go with Queen or Goddess, preferably." You shot back, dragging Adam down to sit in his chair; you hummed gently, removing his mask from his face. He leaned back, kicking his legs up on the desk as you slid down into his chest, straddling his hips. You hummed, running your fingers through his brown hair, and he melted into your touch, "My name works, too."

"I guess we can settle on Queen. Does that make me your King?" Adam preened as you scratched under his chin,

"Without a doubt...but we must talk about the Young Morningstar."

"Who?" He made a faux confused face which you raised an eyebrow back at in response, "Ugh, Lucifer's cunt daughter. What about her?"

"She's been begging for a meeting. I suggest you meet with her." Your lips began to trail down his neck, nipping at his skin as his body flushed.

"But that's so much work, sugar." He groaned, running his clawed hands through your hair, "Can't I just say fuck off back to hell we're gonna exterminate all of you regardless."

"Sera wants you to at least meet with her one time; she's giving you a lot of trust to handle this on your own."

"And if I do what you ask, what'll you give me?" He mused, eyes sparkling. You huffed, hitting him with the back of your wing, and he laughed, "Come on, you gotta sweeten the deal for me, mama."

"You're such a bastard." You huffed, moving to pull your hair out of your face. He moved his legs to the ground, and you could slide between his knees. "Robe off unless you want dirty," you commanded as Adam fumbled out of it quickly.

"I love you~" He leaned back with a sly grin, hand reaching up to move your head closer to his lip. Your fingers spread across his thighs, and you huffed softly, looking up at him.

"I love you more. If I do this for you, you promise to meet with young Lady Morningstar?"

"You can't just fuck me because you love me?"

"Bite me." You sneered, but there wasn't any malice in your voice as he stood up, picking you up off the ground and pressing your back against his desk.

"Oh, it would be my pleasure. I can't say your robes will survive, though I might need to get you some new ones." Adam popped the buttons on your robe, allowing your body to be laid bare for his eyes. He watched your breathing hitch as his long claw trailed down your neck to your chest. "Fuck I love these puppies, you know that?" Adam grinned, grabbing fistfuls of your breasts, squeezing and kneading to his heart's content. Your husband was like an oversized golden retriever. When he sees something he likes, he obsesses over it like a man deranged. His favorite playthings of yours were your tits and ass. "Any meetings?"

"None. I'm yours for the rest of the day. You can mark me how you'd like; I'm yours, my husband. Well, until you meet with the Princess."

"Fuckkkkk yeah, baby, come 'ere." Adam dove between your breasts, and he felt you suck in air through your teeth. He began to bite and suck on the supple flesh of your chest; you keened, arching into his mouth, hands tangling in his brown hair. You could tell from the way his teeth would graze against your nipples and your flesh he was doing everything in his power to leave marks on the skin.

"Adam...ngh." You panted, feeling his hand move down from your breast to slide down your stomach and between your legs. "Shit," You squeaked, feeling him tease your clit with his thumb and forefinger with a dopey grin on his face.

"There's my favorite girl," He flicked your nub skillfully; for being a massive asshole, this prick sure knew where to find your clit. One finger slid between your folds, and you tossed your head against the cold marble desk. "Damn, only one finger has you acting up? I must not be treating you good enough," He purred as another finger entered you, stretching you out to be big enough for, 'the first ever man god created.' Adam watched with delight as your wings spread out and trembled, glowing with a soft golden glow. "That's it, you're being such a good girl for me. Are you ready?"

"Yes." You panted, "Adam, please."

"God, you beg so nicely, you little slut," His hand reached up to grip your throat, causing you to let out a desperate whine, hips bucking into his fingers. "Beg Harder," He demanded, moving your hand to palm him through his trousers, stiff and aching. "Look at how hard you make me. How desperate. I need you to worship your god."

"Yes, sir." You purred, "You're my God, Adam. I need you, I'd worship for your love, your touch, your dick." You dragged your hand up your chest, playing with the swell of your own breast, "Don't you want to make me happy, baby?"

"More than anything." Adam's eyes lit up in elation, "Stay with me. Don't go to Lucifer. You're mine." He snarled, hands around your throat, "Say it."

"I'm with you. Only you. Forever Adam." His entire body seemed to relax when you said that, pressing gentle kisses to your cheek and lips. "I love you, you annoying Dickweed."

"Love you more, Sugartits." He grinned cheekily before lowering himself to you with a hiss-like laugh. "Tight as ever, and that's why I love you,"

"If you keep talking nonsense while you're literally inside me, I'll cut off your dick,"

"Sounds kinky."

"Adam."

"Fine, Fine, you're so vanilla." He mused, albeit his tone was much softer, fonder than his earlier teasing. His hands grabbed under your knees and pressed you close with a snap of his hips. You both let out a moan, yours higher pitched and needier, bucking your hips, searching for more friction than he was currently providing. You always savored the way he was able to fill you up, he wasn't the longest but god was he thick filling you in all the right ways. Every time his hips snapped into you, you could feel just how deep he kissed your cervix. "Yeah, you like that?" He panted, "Like how deep I'm getting? From the way you're dripping, you're practically soaking through my table. Your vag is like a vice, babe, so tight for this big cock."

"Hm. Your words always know how to turn me o-ng-ff." You moaned out this end at a particularly sharp thrust of his hips. "Fuck you," You panted as he grinned down at you,

"Good news, wifey, that's exactly what we're doing-"

"Sir!" You let out a scream as Lute slammed the door of his office open, you climbed against Adam's body like an embarrassed Nun. He groaned, still inside you but having the decency to cover you with his wings.

"What do you need, Lute? I'm a little busy getting it on with my sexy ass wife." Adam complained, motioning to the top of your head, to which you made an embarrassed sound of mortification. "Can this be rescheduled or-"

"The Princess of Hell is here, Sir. She just showed up-"

"Are you for real telling me that the bitch Princess of Hell is seriously cucking me right now?!"

"...Yes."

"(Y/n) If I killed her for interrupting us, would you be pissed?"

"Beyond Adam."

"Fuck."

#hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel x you #hazbin hotel x y/n #x reader #fem reader #adam x reader #adam x you #hazbin hotel adam x reader #smut #requests open #reader insert #hazbin hotel smut

[quietmtntown]

I stand by using cartman or trey sexist view 9n women to prove kyle is feminine is a antisemitic sexist thing to do . Make him feminine I don't care but using treys view on women or cartmans pov on kyle for it is just ughhh thing to do

#south park #kyle broflovski #i still remember someone saying erics sand in your vagina jab and trey viewing women as emotional equal kyle is team girl #also cartman and kenny are team girl can't change my mind

[starryjuicebox]

Pull My Strings

Pairing: (Soft) Ascended!Astarion x F!Reader Word Count: 2.1k Warning: 18+, Explicit. PiV. Creampie. Fluff and smut.

Summary: A special day in your life with Astarion.

Another day in paradise—the sun kisses your pale skin as it greets the world in a dazzling hello. Beside you, your lover stirs, opening a bleary crimson eye. “Good morning, darling.” 

You run a hand through his soft white curls, laughing a little. “Good morning, sleepyhead.” 

While Astarion didn’t really “sleep”, over the many years you had been together, he seemed to have grown more relaxed in his trances with you by his side. 

Unlike you, he was still very much not a morning person; evidenced by his burrowing back underneath the cozy covers of your shared bed. You cuddle up to him, frigid skin absorbing the warmth from his body. Long since used to this behavior (though he had nearly jumped out of his own skin the first time you snuggled after his ascension), he wraps his arms around you and rests his chin on the top of your head. 

“It’s a special day today,” you tell him excitedly. 

He merely hums in response, stroking your hair. “Is that so? And what’s so special about today?” 

The nerve! How could he have forgotten? You stare at him, mouth open, before turning away. The two of you had lived together for so long, why had he forgotten this year? Throughout the millennia that you and Astarion had lived in Baldur’s Gate, you had witnessed the rapid advancement of technology and society. The world around you changed so much, but every year on this day, he always had something special planned just for you. 

Astarion’s hands come to rest on your hips, before pulling you flush against him. You can feel the hard outline of his length pressing into your clothed core. “My love, what’s gotten you so upset?” Astarion croons into your ear, grinding against you. 

Your lips curve downward into a pout. “I’m struggling to come up with an idea for my next book. I was supposed to announce the summary today.” 

That was only a half-truth. While inspiration did elude you for the time being, your lover’s ignorance was a far greater crime. You celebrated your birthday together every year, and yet Astarion seemed to have completely forgotten this time! 

“We could come up with some…ideas together,” his voice drips with honey as he pinches one of your nipples through the fabric of your nightgown. 

Frowning, you push his hands away and sit up. If he wasn’t going to celebrate your birthday with you, at least you could get some work done. That would mean spending your day productively, even if your stupid vampire lord husband had forgotten. 

Grabbing your tablet off the nightstand, you open a document and begin typing out some potential story threads in an impromptu brainstorming session. Sex pollen, maybe? Ugh, no. That one had already been done plenty of times. Beach sex? No thanks, just thinking about sand in your vagina made you cringe. 

“That’s a ‘big ass’ iPad, my dark consort,” Astarion says, interrupting your thoughts and looking over your shoulder to see what you’re doing. Though his speech and mannerisms did not change no matter how much time passed, you did try to do your part in teaching him the more…updated lingo. 

You stifle your laughter. “A present from you, two years ago.” 

A birthday present to be more precise. 

Despite your hint, Astarion the Ascendant Ignoramus does not seem to get it, and merely hums. 

You stare at the document. The mostly blank page stares back at you. 

“Fuck it,” you grumble, powering off the device. You couldn’t just will good ideas into existence, so you might as well get a start on the day. 

Heading over to the massive walk-in closet, you gasp as a beautiful ensemble greets you. A red and black corset dress paired with a puff-sleeved bolero jacket hangs neatly in front of the mirror. Both pieces are exactly your size, and have clearly been designed with you in mind. Matching platform boots with a silver bat accessory sit beside the outfit, and you scratch your head. How long has this been here? You call out over your shoulder, “Hey, when did you get this for me? I love it!”

“Anything for you, my darling,” comes his cool response. Your question remains unanswered.

“Well…thank you.” This was certainly a surprise, but since he hadn’t even mentioned your birthday, it surely was a fluke. Astarion often surprised you with random presents anyway. Once upon a time, the gifts had been difficult for you to accept, but over the years, Astarion had worn you down. Spoiling you was very much one of his love languages. There were never any strings attached, and no expectation of something in return. 

You try on the outfit, and it seems to have been tailored exactly for you. A very tiny ‘A.A.’ is stitched onto the inside, and warmth floods your heart. Astarion hadn’t just ordered the clothing for you; he’d made it. That made the present all the more special. 

When you walk over to the vanity, a brand new eyeshadow palette immediately catches your eye. Suspicion floods your mind. What is going on? The brand is one of your very favorites. Most of the palette consists of beautiful neutral colors that match most of the clothing you own, but there were also gorgeous duochrome shades as well. 

“Sublime, just like you, darling.” 

You whirl around to see Astarion leaning against the wall with a self-satisfied smirk. 

“What’s the occasion?” Did you dare to hope that he had remembered? 

“There has to be a special reason to give my treasure gifts she deserves?” 

The disappointed sigh in your throat is swallowed down. It wouldn’t be right to seem ungrateful, after all; these were really thoughtful presents. “Thank you.” 

Carefully fixing your makeup (and definitely indulging in the brand new palette), you turn to select your favorite perfume and gasp softly. An unfamiliar heart-shaped pink glass bottle only labeled “Little Love” grabs your attention. A soft voice whispers in your ear, “smeared lipstick and warm, flushed skin—vanilla, orris root, violet, sugar, cetalox, skin musk, and safraleine. Scents that remind me of you, my love. Go on, give it a try.” 

Spraying some on your wrist, you delicately sniff the concoction. “Oh!” It smells exactly as Astarion had described. You love it. 

“I made it; I really did miss my calling as a perfumer,” he drawls, examining his nails. 

“...Thank you.” You didn’t want to inflate his already massive ego any more, but these presents were really nice. It was also pretty strange that they appeared all at once. Did you just miss them before? That wouldn’t be possible, right? 

Dabbing the perfume on your other wrist, you carefully close the bottle and stand up to fix some breakfast. 

“No dry oats for you today, darling. I already have something just for you.” 

How had he reached the kitchen ahead of you? Astarion stands there, holding a massive cake, topped with a single candle. Three tiers of rainbow-flecked vanilla birthday cake, layers of creamy frosting and crunchy crumbs, each topped with rainbow sprinkles. It is absolutely ridiculous to just have between the two of you. But it’s your favorite, and you know he ordered it just for you. 

“Happy Birthday, my dear.” 

Your hands fly to your mouth. The silly man was just pretending he had forgotten all about your birthday this whole time? 

While you are busy contemplating how to both smack and kiss him at the time, he pulls you into his arms and sits down, placing you onto his lap.

“Open your mouth, little love.” 

Astarion cuts a slice of cake for you and feeds it to you. It tastes like a little piece of heaven. 

“...I thought you’d forgotten,” you admit, after swallowing the bite of cake. 

“Oh, you wound me!” He places a hand on his chest theatrically. “I would never forget such an important day.” 

You smile at him. Other than his nonchalant behavior earlier today (which had clearly been just to tease you), he was right; he had never forgotten any of your birthdays. 

After you finish the slice of cake, he places the rest of it into the refrigerator. “Now, pet, let’s play a little game.” 

“Oh? What game?” 

Over the course of the millenia you had been with him, there were all sorts of little games and activities you two had to keep things fresh and interesting. 

“You’ll try to chase me, and if you catch me…I’ll give you another present.” 

You nod. “It’s on, then.” 

This would be a breeze for you; you had always been faster than him to begin with. 

His lithe form shifts into one of a small black bat. 

“Hey! That’s cheating!” You cry out, as Bat-starion takes off flying back towards the bedroom. Keeping up is a walk in the park for you, but he stays just out of your reach. “Hey!!!” 

Pouting at him, you take a running leap and grab the bat with both hands, landing perfectly on your feet. 

“Gotcha.” 

Soft fur ripples back into warm flesh as Astarion returns to his regular form. “Well done, my dear. As promised…another present.” A pink candy is pressed against your lips, and you open them to taste the sweet and tangy flavor of berry lemonade… your favorite! 

Eyes widening, you look at him. 

“I did order several tubes of these, but I hid them around the palace. You’ll have to go find them yourself later. Now, there is one last present for you.” 

“What is it?” 

You had already gotten a new outfit, makeup, perfume, cake, and candy. What else could Astarion have possibly gotten you? 

“Me.” 

Stepping away from you with crimson eyes glinting, his pale fingers slowly unbutton his jacket. You don’t need to breathe, but find yourself holding your breath anyway. 

His jacket becoming a red and black silken heap on the carpet, Astarion then begins removing his shirt. Inch by inch, the smooth, pale chest you are all too familiar with is revealed to you. 

The dress pants are next. Astarion leisurely unbuckles his belt, before sliding the trousers down his perfect legs. 

“Precious thing; you always stare so eagerly,” he teases you with another smirk, palming his thick length through the fabric of his underwear. 

“Well, you are putting on quite the show. Now, are you going to give me my present, or do I have to take it myself?” 

He chuckles. “My, my. So impatient.” 

You cross the room to rest your forehead against his, before pressing your lips together. Sliding his hands into your hair, he deepens the kiss, before pulling away and gently nipping your bottom lip. “Good things come to those who wait.” 

“Well, it’s my birthday. And I want good things without waiting.”  

Closing the distance between you once more, you claim his lips in another kiss. 

The floor beneath you falls away as you are swept into his arms. “Oh, I can refuse you nothing.” 

He tosses you gently onto the soft bed. Astarion may be well-versed in keeping a cool and collected facade, but you’ve been his lover for over a thousand years. The man is just as eager as you are. 

Crawling atop you and capturing your lips in a searing kiss, he palms your breast through your clothing. You can feel your nipples stiffening, eager for his warm touch. Astarion kisses down your throat and chest, unfastening the corset along the way. 

He gently nips at your hardened peak with his teeth, before latching on and sucking hard. You moan, running your fingers through his soft hair as he moves onto the other nipple.

“Take me now,” you pant at him. He’s already made you wait for so long.   

“As you wish.” Moving back up to meet your lips with his again, deft fingers push your lacy panties aside. Astarion slides into you with one smooth, confident thrust. 

You groan in unison as he sets a punishing pace, likely in part caused by your impatience. Your walls flutter around his thick cock as he snaps his hips into you. Locking your ankles behind his hips, your nails dig into his back. Each thrust brings a familiar stretch, and you love every second of it. Your bodies slot together like perfect pieces of a puzzle, born from so many years of lovemaking. He knows your body as well as his own.

Reaching between your bodies, he rubs at your clit with practiced fingers. You’re close. So close. A spark of pleasure rising to dizzying heights. 

“Come for me.” 

You shatter. There is nothing but the wave of ecstasy washing through you. 

His hips stutter as he follows you with a groan. Warmth floods your insides as you lay there, panting from exertion.  

“Now let’s freshen up and greet the day, my love. Here’s to another year in our eternal lives.” 

You decide that tonight, you’ll go for round two. 

#astarion fanfic #astarion #astarion x reader #astarion x you #fluff #astarion fluff #astarion smut #ascended astarion #ascended astarion x tav #astarion x tav #bg3 astarion #astarion ancunin

[bootleg-nessie]

List of Extremely Cursed Knowledge

Having autism and ADHD is a blessing and a curse because on one hand, I’m basically a walking encyclopedia of random facts and information. On the other hand, a fair amount of that information is so fucked up that it’s not socially acceptable to share it with anyone. So naturally, I took every fucked up fact, every bit of twisted trivia, every bit of cursed knowledge that I could come up with off the top of my head and compiled it into one big list to post on the internet. Some of this information may permanently ruin your (you, the reader) perception of certain things. None of this information should have ever seen the light of day, and a fair amount of it was never, ever meant to be known by humans.

You cannot unlearn anything on this list. This is your chance to scroll past.

You have been warned.

\/ \/ \/

According to FDA standards, a jar of peanut butter is allowed to have up to seven (7) rat hairs before it’s considered unfit for human consumption. If it has 7 or less rat hairs it will still be sold in stores.

If I just ruined peanut butter for you, don’t google the FDA regulations on any other foods you enjoy.

Human teeth have 36 calories each.

The average human body has roughly 125,000 calories. This is actually relatively low, which makes cannibalism in humans generally unsustainable.

Human meat tastes like pork.

Penguins have been observed practicing necrophilia.

Dolphin vaginas secrete a substance that acts like an aphrodisiac on steroids. When scientists swabbed some of it on a chimpanzee’s penis, it masturbated so furiously that it had a heart attack and died.

Dolphins have been known to intentionally commit suicide if kept in poor conditions.

Scientists that work with cockroaches often become allergic due to exposure. Simultaneously, they also develop an allergy to chocolate and pre-ground coffee. Make of that what you will.

Dolphins have been observed masturbating using decapitated fish heads.

Dolphins have been observed getting high on pufferfish venom recreationally, sometimes even passing a pufferfish around like a joint.

There’s a LOT of rape across the entire animal kingdom. Like, a LOT. It’s especially prevalent in dolphins, otters, ducks, penguins, and primates, to name a few.

On a related note, female ducks have corkscrew shaped vaginas. Male ducks also have corkscrew shaped penises that measure in at a whopping eighteen inches.

The barnacle has the largest penis to body size ratio in the animal kingdom, with its penis being up to eight times as long as its body.

Chimpanzees have been observed using frogs as a fleshlight.

A disembodied human head weighs about 10-12 lbs and is balanced in such a way that requires you to use both hands to pick up.

Pigs will eat every single part of a corpse - including bones. In 2012 a farmer in Oregon was eaten by his pigs after having a heart attack and falling in their enclosure. This also makes pig pens a prime spot for dumping bodies.

A body will decompose faster if you fill the rectal cavity with yogurt before burying it

When burying a body, make sure to bury it in a heavily wooded area. If vegetation is too sparse and/or the body isn’t buried deep enough, it will be easily noticeable after a few months because plants will grow in much thicker directly above where the body was buried.

You cannot bury a body in sand, as sand is too porous. The smell will seep through and give away the location

The entire universe could theoretically exist as a false vacuum and collapse into nothingness at any moment without warning.

Any alien civilization advanced enough to detect life on earth is also probably advanced enough to destroy our entire planet almost immediately. At the peak of interstellar technology, the only limiting factor is the speed of light. If they decided to attack, we probably wouldn’t even know it was coming until the entire surface of the planet was already vaporized.

It takes three and a half rotations to fully detach a human head from its body.

Recently deceased bodies can experience rigor erectus, which translates to “death boner.” This is especially common in victims of hanging, as it’s primarily caused by trauma to the cerebellum or spinal cord.

There is an extremely real chance that you have unknowingly purchased a product that was made by modern day slaves at least once in your life. Coffee, cotton, fish, clothes, shoes, and technology are among the most vulnerable industries.

A decapitated head remains conscious for several seconds after separated from the body.

The entire koala population across Australia is currently undergoing a major chlamydia epidemic. It’s actually been extremely devastating for them and they’re currently facing the threat of extinction because of it.

#Nessie on drugs #unfun facts #audhd #cursed fact #cursed knowledge #cursed #wtf #biology #evolution #evolutionary biology #penguins #r/196 #196 #r/196archive #/r/196 #rule #meme #memes #shitpost #shitposting #autism #actually audhd #adhd #actually autistic #actually adhd #evil autism #crime #criminology #true crime #fun facts

[avocado-writing]

Roland Blum x Reader

notes: nobody asked for this but I wrote it anyway. big shout out to my mate M who helped me brainstorm this and came up with some of the *chefs kiss* lines. might do a part 2 idk rating: E, minors dni

words: 2.4k

cw: utter filth. smut; excessive discussion of oral sex; pegging; you’re both switches lmfao taglist: @clarina04 @havaheart @angiestopit @cryptid-flannelhell @shadowluna25

Roland Blum fucking hates you. 

He hates how you think you know everything even though you’re just a kid. Yeah, sure, he was the exact same way when he was your age, but he also acknowledges that he’s a hypocrite and doesn’t care. He hates the tight little outfits you wear, because he’s a slut for a well-tailored suit and you know you look exceptionally fuckable in them. He hates how he couldn’t stop imagining bending you over his desk and drenching his cock in your tight little pussy, wondering what his name would sound like from your mouth as you choke it out through orgasms. He hates that you’ve rejected his every advance so far. 

Most of all he hates how you’re good at this job. It’s infuriating. If you were shit, like so many of the others he’s seen come and go through these doors, it might be different. But you’re not. You’re a fucking shark, out for blood. Just like him. 

He hates you. 

If there’s one thing that’s worse than you it’s your shitty little boyfriend. 

He’s constantly around, trying to earn your approval - and he does need to earn it because it doesn’t take much research to find out he’s a fucking serial cheater. He has this habit of falling dick first into leggy blondes he finds at bars which you don’t much approve of. And you fucking let him keep getting away with it! You don’t even seem to like the guy that much. Roland can see the thinly veiled disinterest on your face every time your boyfriend tries to surprise you with your favourite coffee or a bunch of flowers. You accept them, and the kiss he offers, and then look relieved when he’s gone. 

You need a good fuck. You need it. He can tell, and he’s sure your boyfriend isn’t getting the job done. Nobody sexually satisfied is as bitchy as you are. Except, maybe, for him. But his exception doesn’t prove the rule. He teases you about it mercilessly and loudly, and your conversations always end the same way. 

“Maybe if someone was taking care of your vagina, it wouldn’t have sand in it.”

“I fucking hate you, Roland.”

“Yeah, I know.”

But you work well together, that can’t be denied. Case after case you take on, and case after case you win. It’s nice that you can put your mutual loathing aside to be professional for long enough to help your clients out.

He knows where you’re meant to be meeting your boyfriend that night. That fancy bar in the penthouse of that hotel. Seems fucking stupid to him, bars should be on ground level, but what does he know. While you’re in the bathroom he gets himself something strong which goes down well with the pill he takes; he sits in the corner where he won’t be seen and watches you. 

You’re sitting on a tall stool, drumming your fingers on the counter. At first you look hopeful. Then you look at your watch. Over and over again. He can see the excitement leave you and you deflate like a balloon animal left in some kid’s room as time ticks by. Eventually your phone rings, and though he can’t work out every word, you have a very short conversation with the person on the other end, finishing the call by jabbing your screen so hard he’s surprised the glass doesn’t shatter. 

You head into the elevator. He follows you. You’re the only two in there as the doors slide shut and it begins its descent. He leans on the wall and looks at you, levelly. You don’t even seem surprised that he’s there, you just look sort of tired. 

“So,” he says, and you look like you’re bracing yourself for him to mock you like he usually would, but he gets straight to the point, “you gonna let me fuck you?”

You look at him, properly look at him. You seem to sum him up for the first time since you started at the firm, let your eyes trail up and down his body, taking him in. 

“Roland, you have until the alcohol wears off.”

You barely get the last word out, actually, because he hears your consent and fucking lunges for you. His mouth is hot and rough on yours, beard scraping your chin and cheeks, and he grins into it when he hears you moan. Moaning from a kiss? You are desperate. 

He slams his fist on the emergency brake button and the elevator screeches to a halt. You pull back to look at him, confused and appalled. He likes it. 

“What?” he asks, pressing his thigh between yours, up into your needy cunt, “You said I have until the alcohol wears off, I’m not wasting a single fucking second with you.”

You seem oddly charmed by that idea, but it’s only a quick flash of sentiment over your face before he finds your clit and begins to fuck into it with the width of his thigh. You begin to twist and writhe in pleasure against him, wanting to ride him yourself, but him not allowing you the freedom to do it. He grins as he watches you melt. 

“Knew you needed someone to take care of your little cunt.”

“I fucking hate you,” you snap, but he can tell your heart isn’t in it. Not this time anyway. He pulls off his suit blazer and, with a flick of the wrist that is too certain to have not been practised before, he manages to throw it over the camera in the upper corner of the elevator, letting it hang off it as if it were a coat rack. Seemingly happy that you have a few minutes, you let him kiss his way down your body and end up on his knees in front of you. He sees the hungry way you look down at him and wants to see it on your face all the fucking time. 

He makes light work of your tight little skirt, raising his eyebrows when he gets to your thong. You shove him with your foot. 

“What?”

“Someone thought she was gonna get lucky tonight.”

“Yeah, well, I fucking am aren’t I?”

He can’t argue with that. Well, he could, but for once he doesn’t. Instead he rips it off your body with his bare hand and shoves it into his trouser pocket. You yelp but any complaints you have are quickly doused when he begins to fuck you with his mouth. He is fucking ravenous for you, pressing his fingers up inside your greedy cunt and latching onto your clit viciously. You haul a leg over his shoulder and pull him in harder against you, your heel knocking against his spine. He digs his hands into the meat of your ass and hopes his fingernails leave little crescents. 

You come once on his fingers, heavy and slick, and look both exhausted and disappointed when he pulls his hand away. He sucks his fingers dry and nods to the elevator control panel. 

“Thing’s about to start working again. I’d get dressed if I were you.”

On cue the elevator begins to whir as someone somewhere deactivates the brake. As it starts to swoop downwards and finish its journey you scrabble to get your skirt back on while Roland grins at the show. 

He takes his suit jacket and walks out the door with confidence when they open, striding past the assembled staff with utter nonchalance. 

“Get that fucking thing fixed, almost ruined my evening,” he shouts at them, but anyone looking for too long can see his beard is soaked in you. You do your best to mimic his confidence, walking out as if the elevator room doesn’t reek of sex. 

He heads to the street, doesn’t say anything, but offers the cab driver two hundred dollars to ignore what’s happening in the back seat. You bark out your address and fall into his lap. 

Roland fingers you while you’re driven to your apartment. You’re one orgasm deep and high off it, and he makes you come again in the back of a dark taxi while easy listening plays over the radio. When the journey is over you grab his tie and pull him the two flights up to your home. He likes it a lot, being led like a dog, but there will be time to explore that another day. 

Because there will be another day. 

Roland takes immense joy in fucking you on the mattress he can only imagine your boyfriend has disappointed you on hundreds of times. He has stamina, you’ll give him that, and he ends up coming inside you three times over the following hours. By the end of it you’re lying on either side of the bed, sweaty and exhausted, just listening to the sound of your combined breathing. 

“Why do you wax?” is the question he chooses to break the silence with. You look confused, and he points to your pussy. 

“Oh. Personal preference I guess.”

“No, try again.”

“What—”

“I can tell when you’re lying. About this, anyway. Tell me why.”

You clench your jaw, but admit: “My boyfriend doesn’t like me hairy.”

Roland lets out a short, loud laugh that’s reminiscent of a bark.

“What, he afraid to get a pube in his mouth?”

“Roland!” you snap, and hit him with a pillow far harder than it has any right to feel.

“I’m just saying he’s a pussy. Wait, no, let’s not use that word, I fucking love pussy - he’s a coward. Grow it out if you want to grow it out, fuck him. If my face isn’t stuck to your cunt like Velcro then it’s no fun.”

You purse your lips but don’t say anything else.

The next time he fucks you, hair is beginning to grow there again. You’ve not really spoken about that night, and a couple of weeks have already passed. There’s been too much work to think about sex, anyway. Well, to act on it, at least. Well to act on it with each other - he’s not above admitting he kept your thong and likes to have the fabric over his mouth and nose while he jerks off into the toilet. You must know but you’ve not asked for it back, which he finds just wonderful.

The two of you are working late, main office lights off, lit by lamps, utterly exhausted. You’re in business mode, swapping ideas back and forth, butting heads a little but generally agreeing with what the other is saying. Excitement builds in the room and bubbles over to something else, and suddenly you’re in his lap stripping him off, and then he’s hefting you onto the desk and pulling down your skirt. He grins when he sees the slightly more natural state of your pussy and you roll your eyes at him.

“Don’t say a fucking word.”

“Oh, but I really want to.”

You silence him with a ferocious kiss and he begins to slide inside, too horny to bother getting out of his clothes properly; which is saying something because he loves being out of his clothes. He sheathes himself in you and you throw yourself back against the legal papers, not caring about how they scatter.

“So, your boyfriend pissed you off again?” he begins to thrust, pushing his girthy cock even deeper inside your creamy pussy.

“You wanna ask this while you’re inside me?”

He shrugs. He’s still hard as rock, so doesn’t seem to mind the discussion, so you humour him as he begins to work your clit with his thumb.

“Eh, a little. He’s always pissed me off to some level.”

“Why are you with him? You seem to fucking hate him.”

“We’ve been together - aah! - since we were in high school. Our families are friends. It’s just – oh, fuck – expected now.”

“Ahh, expectation, the truest form of love.”

You seem to mull that over, sincere, but you’re taken out of the moment when he slings one of your legs up over his shoulder and fucks into you so deeply you think he’s about to split you in half.

It becomes a more regular thing after that. Your little boyfriend is still around, but he’s none the wiser that you’re spending every other night fucking one of your coworkers. And the two of you are amazing at fucking. Roland believes you could sell tickets to a show to watch the two of you going at each other, feral and needy. And you’re kinky, too! One night you wrap his belt around his neck and squeeze it so hard his vision blurs and he comes more than he has since he was a teenager. On another, you fold him in two on your bed and take your time stretching his ass open before you peg him with the biggest dildo he’s ever seen. A prostate orgasm can really make you appreciate the world a little better.

You see each other a lot outside of work now, too. Usually he feels like the little dates you go on are extended foreplay, where you can run your foot up and down his leg and press your toes into his dick, but sometimes he has to admit he just likes going out with you. You’re a quick wit, whip-smart, and fucking filthy. You’re wasted on going out with that pathetic asshole, you really are.

And one night the two of you are working late, again. You’ve both ordered Chinese takeout from down the street, and have found yourselves distracted. Not with sex, not with arguing, but with trying to fling battered chicken balls into each others’ mouths across the length of the office. You’re in literal tears as Roland tries to wheel his chair into the chicken’s oncoming trajectory only to lose his balance and tumble out of it, landing miserably on his ass.

You can’t breathe. You grip the edge of the desk for support, tears streaming down your cheeks, the long line of your beautiful throat exposed as you throw your head back laughing, and Roland finds himself fucking enamoured with you. He wants to hear your laugh all day, every day, forever, actually. He wants to go home tonight knowing his is the only cock you have inside you. Fuck it if that’s possessive, he’ll promise the same thing if it means you’ll be only his.

He’s fucked.

He’s so fucked.

Roland Blum hates you.

Except he doesn’t really. He just has to tell himself that, or he’ll realise he’s fucking fallen in love.

#roland blum x reader #michael sheen x reader

[jean0farc]

‎ ‎‎Honor Among Thieves

Captain Hook x Fem! Reader | 2.5k

⎯⎯ summary ‣‣‣ “On an ordinary summer day my friends and I are having fun at the beach when suddenly Captain Hook and his pirates come seemingly out of nowhere and attack, causing chaos. I try to escape, even so much as to reach the car my friends and I used to get there, but I get caught and by one of the pirates and taken.”

⎯⎯ content warnings & tags ‣‣‣ dubcon, penis in vagina sex, creampie, fem! oral receiving, dom! Hook, body worship, fingering, breast kink, praise, dirty talk and pet names.

⎯⎯ requested by ‣‣‣ the wonderful @disney-girl67.

⎯⎯ banner credits ‣‣‣ the lovely @cafekitsune.

The intensifying heat of the sun today was rather unbearable for my liking—I had to make sure the amount of sunscreen I applied was just right for my skin in regards to basking in the summer heat. Thankfully, my best friends had some spare bottles of lotion perfect for our trip to the beach. We’ve packed just the best meals suitable for our picnic date; it’s been a while since we’ve taken a week off of an exhausting day of work, and an opportunity arose when we were given a discount to a beach getaway!

I drew a satisfying breath, taking in the fresh breeze that blew from the east side of the coast. Apart from the overwhelming heat of the sun, it was quite refreshing to take a time off of the monotonous city where industries and businesses collided in chaos. The palm trees danced lively by the breathtaking view, the birds chirping happily as we booked a stay at the chalet nearby.

“So, Ashley, what do you think of this spot so far?” I asked.

“It’s perfect,” my friend smiled. “Summer is a godsend, especially these days. The weather may be humid, but other than that their services are properly managed. I can’t stand always having to work under our boss lately. So I’ve decided to take a leave!”

“May I add that this particular sea stands out because there’s lots of treasure underneath.” my other friend commended. “Rumors say there used to be pirates here, but I believe they’re long dead after getting shipwrecked.”

“Pirates?” I asked, sitting upright, fixing my bikini. “Wait, are you saying, this place isn’t safe for visitors like us?”

“Relax, friend,” my other friend spoke, laughing. “It’s just a scary story spread all across this village. I’m sure that with all the legal authorities becoming more aware of the troubles they cause, they're probably thrown into prison by now.”

“Good, good.” I replied. 

“Anyways, I think now is the right time to go in for a dive! The deeper, the better!” 

“Wait, guys, but-“ 

My friends ignored me this time. They left me without any explanation to stay, leaving me to rot in my own thoughts of whether there were potential thieves roaming around the place. But I’ve decided I won’t back down. I left the patio, without any other reason to make excuses for why I refused to go in for a swim. Out of guilt, I just kept on going, leaving all my worries behind.

My friends and I ran towards the seaside, happy and carefree of the world’s stressors. We even threw some handfuls of sand at each other and splashed some seawater the moment we went for a swim. 

I found it difficult to keep up with my friends this time, the way they swam around the beach and took pictures of the glittering waters. But I dared not to be a killjoy as of this moment, I complied with their requests to have fun regardless.

As we swam recklessly by the sea, I noticed the sight of a large, wooden ship approaching from a distance, seemingly approaching towards us. I felt all along that my gut instinct was right. I tried my best to not falter at first, but knowing they could kill if we didn’t surrender our belongings was something I was truly terrified of. 

“Ashley! Lottie! Mary!” I called out. “There’s a ship approaching! Let’s gather around and leave!”

“[Name], you’re being incredibly ridiculous.” my friend Mary laughed. “Those can’t be pirates! It looks like a normal ship!”

“But-“

My friends ignored my pleas, so I had no other choice but to leave the seaside. I was deathly worried about their wellbeing since pirates aren’t to be trusted regardless, but I started to give less fucks about others and focus on my own needs. This is it. I left my friends and made my way back to the beach house, running half naked and sweaty from the intense blanket of heat that filled the air.

“Take a closer look, Murphy,” scoffed a pirate from the ship as he used his binoculars to zoom into the sight of my friends swimming. “We eating good tonight, aren’t we?”

“Damn right. Nothing more than a bunch of bombshells worth taking in for the night.” Black Murphy laughed loudly. “James will surely be having fun by the end of the day. From what I understand, he’s already by the shore holding some random bitch hostage.”

“Right! Hah. The Captain should consider himself lucky.”

And there I was. I finally arrived at the beach house, surprised to find the door to our room locked. Pleas of someone could be heard from inside, and I didn’t know what to do other than bang the door from outside. The voice was muffled, which made me realize that whoever the captor was turned out to be someone not to be messed with.

My heart raced upon this discovery. Who could have possibly thought there was someone else inside the compound? I tried using all of my strength to open the door. I tried, and tried, and tried…..

And with all my brute force, I managed to successfully pry the door open. I was then met with an unexpected scene.

There in the corner of the room stood a tall, dark figure dressed in red, while his other hand was replaced with some sort of hook. He apparently was holding some sort of knife with his other hand, and it turned out that the identity of who he just killed was the manager of the beach house me and my friends stayed in. The figure took a step forward, revealing himself to be none other than a pirate captain.

I tried to leave, but another one of his pirates grabbed me by the wrists from behind, pushing me to the ground and swiftly locking the door from outside. It was unknown as to how this happened, but I knew from the bottom of my heart that this was coming. 

“Looking as gorgeous as you always were, lovely stranger.” the pirate spoke softly. “Say, are you perhaps here for a trip?”

“Um, yes?” I hesitantly replied. “Who could you be?”

“That doesn’t matter, my dear. In fact, your name doesn’t matter to me either. Say, what are your thoughts about a relationship of give and take? Worry not, for I won’t harm you, as long as you do exactly as I say.”

“Huh????”

“I came here to claim five million bucks from this entire resort. Provided you and your friends do exactly as we please, your lives shall be spared.”

“What???!!!” I protested, attempting to get up and reach for the door behind me. “No, I must have known…!! You-you must be the captain!!! Please, captain, spare our lives!!!”

“Why, if it isn’t the right answer, hm? My name is Captain Hook, I also go by the name James. Though this info won’t matter by the time I’m done with you.”

I froze, unsure of how to react in the face of such a threat. I attempted to stand up, only for the captain to kneel on one knee and unfasten my bikini straps. 

“Please…..” I begged. “Let me go! I’ll do anything!!!”

“Is that so? Why then, don’t resist.” Captain Hook smirked.

I frankly hated how this was turning me on.

He moved his hook down my breasts, groping it with the thin piece of metal while his other hand caressed my cheek. 

“Such a beautiful, sensitive little thing.” he cooed. “Gods must have sent you to serve as my personal pet.”

Tears formed in my eyes as I disobeyed his request and resisted the captain’s touch, only for him to pull me inward. He kneaded on my breasts gently and leaned closer to suckle on my nipples, which was already hard at the sight of his tall stature. He swirled his tongue around it, moaning gently as the sounds of sloppy slurps filled the room.

I hated how good it made me feel. I shivered at the thought of a random stranger’s face up my breasts, but there was no denying that he was extremely good at it. A part of my mind wandered on the scenario where he claimed a number of bodies. From the charm of his facial hair surrounding his features, to his enigmatic smile, it left me with chills—and they weren’t exactly that of the bad type.

He didn’t stop, oh, he didn’t. The more I held back a moan, he just kept sucking in long slurps that left me soaking in my arousal. My breath hitched at the sight of his unshaved face lapping and salivating against my breasts, carefully caressing it as he pulled away.

“Mmmmmhhhh~”, I groaned in frustration.

“What a cute, desperate pet.” Captain Hook whispered. “If all it takes for you to grow wet is to have someone suckle on those stress balls, then you must be a really needy whore after all.”

“Please……I need it….I need it so bad!!!” I protested, desperate for release.

“Eager for my cock?” Captain Hook asked. “Well, you might want to exercise a little patience, my dear. Good things don’t always come in easy packages. Now, let’s take this off from you, shall we?”

With that, he tore my panties off with a clenched fist, leaving my naked form to sulk in hopelessness and frustration. He wasn’t the type to give warnings, for he was quite straight up with what he wanted to do. He was all powerful. That only gave way for me to feel worthless and pathetically needy for his touch.

“Mmmmmm……already this wet? Hah. How pathetic.”

He didn’t give warnings, indeed. I knew he had it in him when he dove into my cunt, kissing the nub gently as he rubbed his finger against it. I felt as if I was about to squirt too early, but I held it in. Then comes the hard part. The fingers. He stuck two fingers in me, forcing his way in without any form of lube or prep. With the burning pain slowly melting away into pleasure, I let him swirl his tongue around my clit without any form of inhibitions after all. The captain yapped and lapped at my vaginal fluids, overflowing to an extent of it streaming down my cunt. It felt warm, pleasurable, and on top of all that, I felt like I was about to catch feelings for the man.

His digits began curling upward, making me wince at the length of his fingers, yet still aroused. The slight curve didn’t bother me in the slightest. It felt so good, and I for once didn’t mind squirting and cumming all over his face for all I cared.

“Ahhhh, I’m close,” I moaned. Captain Hook drove his mouth deeper, giving my clit a rough suck before pulling away. Leaving my entrance gaping with fluid, he chuckled smugly.

“You taste divine, pet. Hmmm….I think you’re ready to take all of me now. Just relax.”

Captain Hook let go of my figure, turning to his pants as he pulled the upper section down. I wasn’t expecting the sight of at least ten inches of trouser action, and I grew hopelessly frustrated by the fact that it still wasn’t shoved deep in me. 

“Now, now, dear.” Captain Hook spoke. “This won’t be lasting quite long. After all, you’re already this close.”

Spreading my legs wider, the captain rubbed my clit with his cock, enabling me to make use of my energy in humping right back. I held the throbbing length, and felt its texture before he slipped it right inside me with force.

”AGH!!” I squealed.

“What, don’t you like it?” Captain Hook asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Keep going….It burns, but, keep….going!”

“I see. Well, then who am I to deny you what you want.” 

With one thrust, he drove his cock inside me and started to slowly rock in and out of my cunt. It felt euphoric, really, the way he handled me roughly and recklessly without any filter. To compensate for his efforts of ramming through my walls, I fucked him back.

My breasts wobbled as my body grew used to the pleasure judging from the growing speed of his thrusts. He was brutal, violent, just like any other pirate would be when faced with an incoming threat. Gripping my cheeks tightly, Captain Hook used his superior strength to lift my limbs upward to gain a better access towards my core. He kept hitting, and hitting the spot, so much that I could feel myself cumming in less than five whole minutes. I arched and mewled against his grasp, the sounds of skin slapping against skin becoming more apparent. I began to develop no care for whoever overheard our little affair going on. All I needed was to reach completion at the hands of this charming stranger.

Captain Hook was also growing desperate over time. His moans grew more animalistic, muttering a ‘yes’ repeatedly as he was about to lose composure. When I felt a tinge of pleasure spark from within my heated core, that was when he chose to pick up speed. He then leaned closer to feel my neck with his face, leaving hickeys all over as he continued to bite down the layers of thin skin. I yelped in pain for a moment as the sensation slowly turned into pleasure the way he bit on the right spots. 

If only he could see my face right then and there, I would have been humiliated from that point onward. Then he did.

“Ah, ah, ah, no looking elsewhere.” Captain Hook muttered under his breath, panting hard. “Eyes on me. Show me how much you crave this feeling.”

“I—Mmmmmmhhhh….!!! Please, I’m….I’m gonna…..”

“Hold it off, little one. Have your master do all the work.”

With all his strength, Captain Hook grabbed my hips tightly, the hilt of his cock ramming in and out of my heat. The slaps against my ass were wet and loud, our moans matching each other like a symphony. 

“Agh!!!! Captain!!!” I trembled in excitement. “Ahhhhh~”

I wailed his name (James) as Captain Hook thrusted so deep into my core. My walls fluttered and throbbed hard that it was almost a crime for him to pull out of me. I shook against him, crying like a bitch in heat as I felt like the whole world had just shattered before my eyes. Captain Hook spurted his seed balls deep in me, his cum surrounding itself all over my dripping cunt. I let out a deep sigh, realizing the whole mess I’ve been engaging with in the company of a complete stranger.

“Hah……Hahhhhh……..”

Captain Hook didn’t even budge, his cock already retreating from my walls in a slow, yet steady fashion. 

“Such a filthy, disgusting little mutt.” he said, putting his cock back in and leaving me to sulk by the edge of the doorstep. “Get up.”

Captain Hook grabbed my cute, pink bikini, tossing it before my face.

“What is your name?”

“[Name].”

“You did well, [Name],” he said. “Judging by the looks of it, you owe me several nights of complete entertainment. Come outside when you’re ready. I’m more than willing to bring you into my ship.”

#captain hook disney #captain hook x reader #captain hook x you #disney villain x reader #x reader #dubious consent #disney x reader #disney smut #peter pan smut #captain hook

[sluttywoozi]

Part 1 | Part 2

Word Count: ~6.9k (4.2 is smut lol)| Rating: E (18+ MINORS DNI I STG)

Summary: Part 3 of Buy a Boyfriend, Vernon finally gets to take you on that weekend trip!

Content Notes: sappy as fuck, swearing, Vernon is horny for u literally the whole time, food eating, pussy eating, nipple play, fingering, clit stim, piv sex, condomless sex, laughing during sex, breeding kink, straight up he's in love with u, vernon picks up reader, one spank, message or inbox if i missed anything!

Reader notes: stem major reader, has a vagina, has breasts, wears a bikini and a dress, vernon lifts you up (tbh i dont think he could lift me up in real life but this is fiction so i don't give a fuck)

Vernon’s heart races as he waits in the airport for you. He knows it had been hard for you to give up control and let him (and Seungkwan) plan this weekend, and he desperately hopes that you approve of his (their) decisions. It had taken him weeks of ruminating to even settle on a place, let alone where to stay and activities to keep busy. 

The landings screen shows that your flight is on time and currently disembarking, and he can’t stop his fingers from tapping on his knees. He’s played your reunion in his mind a hundred times by now, imagining all kinds of different scenarios. There’s one where you run to him and jump into his arms, just like in the movies. There’s one where he takes you straight down to the floor and fucks you on the spot, but the trip wouldn’t be well spent in separate federal prison cells. There’s another one, his favorite, where he sees you first and sneaks up on you, tapping your shoulder and asking about your car’s extended warranty before wrapping you up in his arms and kissing the breath from your lungs. 

Vernon’s so caught up in his thoughts he doesn’t notice someone settling into the seat beside him until they clear their throat. He’s annoyed for a second, wondering why they chose to sit right next to him when there are at least four free benches in the immediate vicinity, until he spots the duffle on the floor. His eyes track it upwards, traveling from the sneakers resting on it to the shapely calves to the luscious thighs to the cute stomach to the sweet smiling face. Your eyes lock with his and he forgets how to breathe, air hiccuping in his chest before exiting in a whoosh. In that same breath, his arms have wrapped around you and hauled you into his lap. 

Burying his face in your neck, he inhales the scent that he’s missed so much and hears your giggle sound in his ears before your arms snake around his neck to hold him close. He’s swaying you gently, one hand stroking up and down your back and the other finding your cheek to pull you into a kiss. Before he knows it, he’s necking with you in an airport again and he truly can’t find it in himself to give a fuck. When you whimper into his mouth a bit, he has to pull away and do some deep breathing, willing his blood to stop simmering and his heart to stop thumping. It’ll be some time before he can stand and having you in his lap definitely doesn’t help, but he wouldn’t ask you to move for anything in the world. 

Fingers tapping on the steering wheel, Vernon brakes gently to bring the car to a stop, holding his breath until he turns to see you stare up at the building in awe. He’d really hoped you’d love it, the weathered yellow siding and white climbing roses and soft tan sand just a few feet down the path. You’d talked about wanting fresh air and sun on your skin, having spent a month already locked up in the lab, so a cottage by the beach seemed the perfect choice. 

Your hours were crazy - research didn’t always operate on a set schedule and you spent more time streaking and staining and sterilizing than you did sleeping. Vernon could tell you loved it, passion shining through your voice on the phone, but by the exhaustion in your eyes, he could also tell you were tired. His own classes were getting more intense, finally moving past the basic major classes and getting into the nitty gritty of music production. He swears when he closes his eyes, he can still see sound waves. 

His hand only shakes a little as he unlocks the door, hoping that the inside is as cute as the pictures and sighing in relief when it is. Soft pink shiplap and green plants all over create a soothing environment, and the couch looks so plush he wants to pull you on top of him and take the fattest nap of all time. He can wait though, Vernon decides, as you move further into the cottage on bouncing toes.

He can hear you muffling your squeal and contemplates walking over to tug your lip out from between your teeth with his own, but he’ll let you get over your shyness in your own time. He hears your gasp and knows you’ve found the kitchen, feet taking him swiftly into the room to see your reaction. The open window looks out onto the beach, sage green curtains fluttering in the wind. Your fingers smooth over white quartz and butcher block, your eyes roving over the room before settling on the yellow Smeg refrigerator and this time, you can’t contain your reaction. 

Vernon’s expecting you to open the fridge and find the groceries he’d asked the owner to buy, cold brew and oat milk for you and wine for later, but instead you spin and launch yourself into his arms. He can only laugh, pulling you closer and swaying you gently in the kitchen as you rave about the decor. 

“How did you even find this place? It's so quaint and perfect and the colors are so pretty and the beach is right there!” You say in a rush, eyes wide and shining at him. 

“It took some searching but I knew you’d love it as soon as I found the website,” Vernon says through a smile so wide it might split his face in half. “Wait till you see the bathtub.” 

Your eyes grow bigger somehow, pupils dilating at the thought of a hot bath for the first time in months. He hopes there are candles and bath oils like he’d requested, and tries not to imagine sinking into the water with you. He has too many things to show you to get distracted now. 

You explore the rest of the cottage together, grinning excitedly at each other when you find the massive bed. It stands tall, duvet a stark white to complement the soothing blue walls and honey oak floors, pillows piled high and looking soft as a cloud. Again, he reminds himself he can’t afford to lose focus now and suggests changing into bathing suits to check out the beach, maybe that’ll help. 

Bathing suits definitely did not help with the distraction issue, and now Vernon is facing the additional problem of hiding a boner in swim trunks. 

It’s not his fault, honestly! 

He’d just never seen so much of your body before; you aren’t as comfortable on camera as he is so your side of the screen was always dark when the nightly video calls went that direction. He doesn’t mind though, he knows you like to watch, and he gets to hear you so it’s a win-win situation. 

Now though, Vernon can see almost all of you and it’s proving to be hazardous to his health. 

He’ll need to ask Seungkwan what vitamins he should get to make his heart stop thundering in his chest like this, or maybe Minghao can teach him some meditation methods? Either way, he’s starting to feel light headed and has to look away from your hands gently smoothing sunscreen onto your legs and take a swig of water. 

He’s still drinking when you ask, “can you get my back?” and he chokes on the water in his throat, aspirating some. Vernon starts to turn red as he coughs uncontrollably; whether it’s from an oxygen deficit or embarrassment or arousal, he can’t say. 

Your eyebrows raise in concern and you start patting his back, likely wondering if you’ll have to perform CPR (he wouldn’t mind mouth to mouth). He tries to wave you off but you just roll your eyes and thump his chest once, right below his sternum. Magically, it works and Vernon is able to stop coughing and finally catch his breath. 

“You good?” You ask, cute little frown pinching your eyebrows. He nods, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth and avoiding your eyes. Without his focus on you, Vernon misses another eye roll and your thumb moving up to pull his lip from his teeth. Your touch sends a shiver down his spine and he can’t help but lock his eyes with yours. He sucks in a ragged breath when your thumb remains on his chin, lightly stroking at his lip and he lowkey hopes you’ll slide it into his mouth so he can bite it. That might be a bit much for a public beach though, and he’s already struggling to conceal his hard dick as it is, so he takes your hand and presses a kiss to your palm before grabbing the sunscreen. 

You spin and make sure your hair is out of the way so he can rub the lotion into your skin. Vernon can’t help but dig his fingers into the knots he finds, probably from hours hunched over a microscope or typing away at a data program he’ll never understand. You let out a little whimper when his thumbs press into a big one to the left of your spine, and he spreads his fingers out to soothe you while he finishes working it out. You’re barely holding yourself up by the time he finishes, so he wraps his arms around you and pulls you into a hug, knowing you can feel him pressing against your ass. 

You press back and Vernon has to take a deep breath before separating himself from you and proposing a race to the water. He can hear you laughing all the way to the waves from where he’d fallen in the sand after you pushed him. He just shakes his head, feeling his heart swell and his smile grow, and follows you into the ocean, knowing he’d follow you anywhere. 

So, ice cream was a bad idea. 

Vernon thinks you may be up to something, the secret smile you wear threatening to undo him as you lick at the cone, melted ice cream dripping onto your fingers. If you lick them too, he might pass away on the spot. 

He hears your giggle through the rush in his ears, your eyes sparkling knowingly, revelling in his obvious infatuation. He follows the pinky you point out at him until his eyes land on his own ice cream,  currently trickling down his forearm to drip off his elbow and land on the hot concrete of the sidewalk. On instinct, he licks up the length of his forearm and cringes at the lingering chemical flavor from the sunscreen you’d threatened him (with your eyes) into applying. He catches your eyes growing wide and then shooting away from him, smirking to himself and feeling relieved that you’re just as hot for him as he is for you. 

After more teasing from both sides, he grabs the paper wrapper from your hand and balls it up with his, tossing it into the recycling bin by the street. He turns his head to see you rifling through the beach bag and raises his brows incredulously when he sees you pull out disposable wet wipes. 

“What?” You ask, with a challenging quirk of your brow, “it pays to be prepared.” 

You wipe your hands off while holding his gaze, and wait. He tries to look contrite, adding on a pout for good measure, and pathetically extends his hands in hopes you’ll clean them for him. 

You do, and he does his best to pretend the smug set of your mouth doesn’t make him harder. 

The day passes quickly, you tugging him into cute little antique and bath shops, Vernon dragging you into every record store on the block. You find a little sundress, pink and soft and covered in flowers, and wear it out of the store, beaming the whole time.

It’s everything he’s wanted, being able to spoil you and make you smile and get more insight into the things you love. He’d held your hand through it all, your palms getting sweaty and sticking to each other in the heat, neither him nor you caring even a little bit. 

Dinner time comes around and Vernon gets to take you to the little spot he’d found, a mini villa right on the sand. It looked just like one of the buildings in Capri from your travel Pinterest board, and boasted the best Italian on this side of the coast and a wine list to match. Your eyes light up the closer the rental car draws to the stone building, following the bougainvillea that climbed up onto the pergola perched above the dark wood double doors. 

You ooh’d and ahh’d on the journey to the table, bouncing in your seat when the server opens the curtain to reveal a large window looking right out at the sunset. The light floods in, illuminating your features and making your eyes even deeper and warmer. The server comes back to take your orders and recommend a pairing, and he scrambles to choose, too distracted by taking you in to even look at the menu yet. He remembers seeing something about carbonara on the website when he’d made the reservation with Seungkwan and chooses that, not realizing you’d already ordered the same thing. 

Your lips stretch in a knowing smile and Vernon can tell you’re perceiving him, perceiving that he’s already in love with you and that he thinks about you always and that he can’t take his eyes off of you, not for anything. Well, maybe you’re not perceiving all of that but you definitely know something. And Vernon can’t find it in himself to care, would let you know anything if you asked. 

And you do ask, all sorts of questions that have him talking through most of the meal, your eyes locked on him and making him feel like the only person in the world. He might as well be, for all the focus you’re devoting to him, and all he can think about as dinner winds down is devoting that same focus to you. He tries his best not to rush the server as they go through their exit spiel and leaves a hefty tip before taking you by the hand and rushing you to the car. 

The cottage isn’t far, only about 15 minutes away but the drive feels like a lifetime with his hand resting on your thigh, the heat of your skin searing his palm even through your little dress. He’d had a difficult enough time watching you twirl in it all day, skirt fluttering up to give him a glimpse of your bikini bottoms, and now that he knows he’s about to take it off, time slows down. He doesn’t realize his fingers are tapping at your inner thigh until you rest your hand on his and intertwine your fingers. He glances over to make sure he hadn’t made you uncomfortable but all he can see is your lip bitten between your teeth and he immediately returns his eyes to the road, clenching his jaw and the fingers wrapped around the steering wheel until his knuckles are white. 

Vernon all but drags you from the car, after jogging around to open your door and leaning over you to unbuckle your seatbelt. He could feel your chuckle, warm air flowing over his neck and sending a shiver down his spine, and he only tried to move faster. 

He’s about to heft you into his arms and carry you over the threshold when you stop completely and tug him closer by the hand he has wrapped around yours. 

You press both hands to his cheeks and pull him in for a kiss, slowing his mind down but making his heart beat faster. “We have three days,” you breathe into his mouth. 

“I know,” he breathes back, “but I've been thinking about this for four months and I have a lot of ideas.”

Your eyebrows raise before you shrug your shoulders and yank him through the door, now racing him to the bedroom. Vernon wonders if you’d mind just laying on the bed and letting him look at you for a little while, or if you’d be willing to let him mark up your thighs like he’s been thinking about all day, or if you’d want to sit on his face and let him drown in you like he’d been thinking about since he met you. Like he said, he has lots of ideas and not a lot of time. 

He’s woken from his thoughts by movement, your hands slowly tugging your dress up, and he stills them with his own before asking, “can I?”

You nod and Vernon feels serious all of a sudden, like this is an important moment, and his hands start to shake when he places them on the hem of your dress. Smoothing his hands up your body, he lifts the fabric with them until your bikini bottoms are exposed. He brings his hands up up up until the dress is coming over your head, your arms raising to assist him, and the air in his lungs turns to steam.

He’d seen you in your bikini at the beach but this is different, this is in a bedroom, with the intent to take it off. His fingers trail along your waist, palms gliding on soft skin, and moving around to fiddle with the tie of your bikini. He won't untie it until you say it’s okay but even the thought has heat rising in him. 

You still his hands and Vernon ceases all movement, waiting for you to make the call. 

“Can we… shower first?” You seem a bit nervous to ask, and he hopes like hell he hasn’t rushed you too much. You must see that he’s about to apologize and maybe fall to his knees in repentance because you continue, “I just don’t want to get the sheets all dirty with sunscreen and sand. Let’s shower first, and then we can go to bed.”

Which, honestly, makes a fuck ton of sense. You’ll be sleeping in this bed for three days and he knows how you feel about your sheets touching dirty clothes, so obviously you’d want to get clean first. 

Before he gets you dirty again. 

Vernon lets you unpack a bit and find all your toiletries while he messes with the shower to find the perfect temperature. He thinks he’s just about got it when you appear next to him. 

Naked. 

His pupils blow wide open and his knees almost give out with how dizzy he suddenly is. He tries to prop himself up on the shower knob but misses completely and falls sideways into the shower. Your reflexes must be amazing because you catch him by the arm and lean back to stabilize him before he hits his head on the tile. 

Vernon knows he’s staring at you with wide eyes, they might even be sparkling, as he takes in all of the luscious skin before him. His heart is still racing from your sudden appearance and his near-death experience (definitely couldn’t have anything to do with you being naked) and when your hand comes up to rest on his chest, he takes it in his own and pulls you into the shower with him. 

Vernon hears you gasp and sees your skin jump a bit when the hot water hits you, and goes to adjust the temperature. You don't let him get that far, pulling him into a kiss and backing him into the wall. He jumps then, as the skin of his back meets the cold tile, but he settles soon enough when your fingers start petting him, smoothing over his pecs and down to the hair leading to his cock. 

He’s still in his swim trunks and knows they must be comically tented by now but Vernon doesn’t care, shifting forward to rotate your bodies and press you against the wall. He smooths his hands around to your back so not all of your skin touches the tile at once and he feels you kiss him harder, sliding your tongue into his mouth to brush up against his hard palate. 

Vernon can’t contain his moan now, feeling tingles creeping up his spine when your fingers hit the waistband of his swim trunks. And just like in that first fantasy of you, your fingers dip briefly below the band and then wander to the front to press against his hardness. You’re not as much of a tease in real life (thank fuck) and soon enough, you wrap your hand completely around his dick. 

Exhaling a whimper, Vernon sucks your tongue into his mouth and pushes his hips into your hands, bucking a bit when you tug and squeeze harder around the head of his cock. He wonders if you can feel him pulsing, can sense the heat spreading from his dick all throughout his body to settle in a pool at the base of his spine. You must, because you release him and, with a look for confirmation, pull his trunks down completely to let the wet material splat against the floor. 

Vernon frees his hands from behind you, running them along your waist and up until he can cup your breasts in his hands, feeling your nipples perk up against his palms. He squeezes gently, then a bit harder when you moan into his mouth. Brushing his thumbs over your nipples, he swallows your whimper and pinches them lightly, tugging a bit when you arch your back to press into his hands. 

All Vernon can think about now is getting his mouth on you, and he breaks away from your lips to kiss down your neck, sucking at the spot just below your ear and biting a bit when he feels your breath catch. Your hands are in his hair now, pulling gently at the strands and scratching his scalp with your nails, and he desperately needs to feel you pulling his hair as he makes you cum with his mouth. 

But Vernon can be patient, so he trails his kisses down, nibbling at your clavicle and drifting lower to suck a nipple into his mouth. He sets his teeth around you, not biting just yet, and flicks his tongue up and down. He does bite when he hears you whine, feels it reverberate in your chest, and keeps one hand working at your other nipple while moving the other down to rub at your belly. 

Vernon pulls off of you briefly to look into your eyes, and, at your nod, smooths his hand down between your thighs. He almost jumps at the wetness he finds, moaning around your nipple and sucking harder, as his fingers pet at the seam of you. He lets them glide up and down, getting you used to his touch, before pressing a bit harder to part your lips and find your- 

Oh, there it is, Vernon thinks, as you whine again and buck your hips into his hand. He can feel you throbbing, swollen under his fingers and so so soft and hot and wet. You’re even better than his dreams, infinitely so, and he switches his mouth to the other side of your chest before sinking the tip of his middle finger into your entrance. You feel like molten velvet inside, like he could slip right in, and he groans around your nipple when he feels you tighten around his finger. 

His knees get weak again, and he listens to them, dropping to the floor to look up at you. Wrapping his hands around your hips, he strokes his thumbs along your hipbones, and waits for your eyes to open. He doesn’t have to wait long, and feels an electric current zing through his body when your gaze meets his. 

“Can I?” Vernon asks with bated breath, hoping beyond hope you’ll let him in like this. You’re barely done nodding before one hand lifts your thigh to rest on his shoulder and then both settle on your pelvis to pull you apart with his thumbs. 

It’s like Vernon’s brain explodes with the first taste of you; he honestly can’t describe it but he knows he wants to swim in you for the rest of eternity. He slides his tongue in deeper, lapping at your clit and then dipping inside to taste you at the source. You feel even better on his tongue than you did on his fingers, and already Vernon dreads having to go a full month without his face buried between your thighs. If he could eat you for every meal, he absolutely would, and absentmindedly he wonders if pussy has calories and if you’d be enough to sustain him. 

In his musings, he’s failed to notice the shaking of your thighs and the whimpers leaving your mouth. They’re muffled behind your hand and Vernon reaches up to tug it away and place it in his hair, wanting to hear you at full volume. Your fingers tangle in the strands and pull, a pull he feels in his cock too, and he groans into you when your whine meets his ears, muffled on one side by your thigh. 

Vernon slides his middle finger back into you and almost shivers when he feels you clench down immediately. He definitely moans when you cry out, “another, please!”

And how could Vernon not obey, when you ask so nicely? Pulling his middle finger out, he slides it back in along with his pointer finger, curling on the upstroke. He sucks your clit into his mouth, tapping it in pulses with his tongue, and when he looks up, your eyes are screwed shut and your mouth is open, plush lips glistening. 

“Can you come like this?” Vernon asks breathlessly, anxiously awaiting your response so he can get back to work. He catches your nod, a continuous keening sound leaving your mouth and you pull him back into you by the hair. Vernon thinks he might die when you buck your hips into his mouth, but he does his best to survive and shakes his head to get deeper in you.

His thumb takes over on your clit, circling relentlessly, and he spreads the fingers inside you so he can slide his tongue between them. All he can hear is his blood rushing, slightly mystified that it’s anywhere in his body but his cock, until your cries reach a fever pitch and he feels you flood his fingers. He guides you through it, stopping the circles on your clit but keeping the pressure, and curling his fingers to rub at the rough spot inside you. You squeeze down so hard he can barely move, and he feels your thigh shake by his ear. 

Your other knee gives out and Vernon just sinks down to the tiled floor with you, pulling you into his lap and rocking you back and forth, petting soothingly at your still fluttering pussy. 

He feels you panting into his neck, your arms wrapped around him to rub his back and grip at his shoulders. “That was so good, Vernon, what the fuck?” 

That’s definitely not what he expected you to say, he honestly didn’t think you’d say anything, so he can’t stop himself from bursting into laughter. You join him, giggling together on the floor of the shower, rapidly cooling water pouring down on you both. 

You shift in his lap, brushing over his still hard dick, and reach up to shut the shower off. He’d be content to sit there until you’re both dry but not you, apparently, because you start to detach yourself from him and attempt to stand. Vernon can see your knees knocking together a bit and as his gaze travels up your body, he swears he’s never seen a view more beautiful than this. He groans when you start to pull him up but concedes nonetheless, standing and stretching his arms up over his head. 

Vernon jumps a bit when your fingers run over the lines of his abs, tracing up and down until your hand catches on his cock and gives it a tug. His hips jerk to follow you, his mind reeling, and he has to brace his hands on the wall, caging you in. 

You just smile and start jerking him off, dipping your hand down between your legs to gather some of your own wetness to use as lubrication. Now his own knees are knocking together and he feels the tension gather in a knot at his sacrum. Vernon needs to stop you now or he’ll cum, which wouldn’t be the end of the world because he only needs like ten minutes to go again, but he wants to cum inside you, damnit. 

He’d discussed it with you before, if dirty talk counts as discussion, during a few of your nightly video calls. You have an IUD and you’d made a virtual date of getting tested together, opening your results on camera like you were opening presents. Neither of you had fucked anyone before or after that, and thanks to your discussions, he knows the mere idea of him cumming inside you is nearly enough to get you off. 

Which, obviously, is more than enough to get him off. And he has, numerous times. 

His mind is wandering again and you yank him from his thoughts abruptly with your next question. 

“Fuck me on the counter?” 

Instantly, Vernon groans and presses his face into your chest, gripping over your hand with his own and squeezing hard at the base, trying to stave off his orgasm. 

He can barely make out your giggle through the rushing in his ears and shakes his head, knowing that someday you’ll legit kill him. 

He doesn’t think he’d mind dying like that though, with his tongue in your pussy or your hand on his cock. 

You start walking forward, pushing him from the shower by the hand wrapped around his dick and Vernon has no choice but to follow. His stomach drops when you turn and lead him into place behind you, placing your hands carefully on the counter and bending down. Your back arches to press your ass into him and he grips your hips for stability, grinding into you and getting lost in the wet, messy heat between your thighs.

His eyes snap up to meet yours in the mirror when he hears you call his name, and they wander a bit when he notices how the placement of your arms pushes your breasts together. Vernon regains focus when you wiggle your ass against him, his hand landing a light slap on the side of your thigh before gripping behind your knee and raising it up onto the counter. 

You’re spread open like this, wetness starting to drip down your inner thighs and he moves both hands to your ass, spreading you so he can see your cunt. Vernon can see your entrance pulse, clenching around nothing and he asks the universe for strength and fortitude as he guides his cock to your opening. 

Meeting your eyes in the mirror again, Vernon waits for your approval, dragging his dick up and down your pussy. He dips shallowly into you before moving up to rub at your clit, and he can feel you throbbing against the head of his cock. At this point he’s just teasing himself because you’ve already nodded, and he can sense your impatience before you blurt out, “For fuck’s sake, Vernon, put it in already!” 

He tries to muffle his laugh in your neck before apologizing, pulling back and lining himself up. Your back arches deeper and you start fucking yourself back onto him, pulling his cock inside with your clenching muscles. Vernon lets out a long, raspy groan into the steamy air of the bathroom, sinking deeper inside inch by torturous inch. He’s not huge (lie), a bit bigger than average maybe (lie), and it takes you some time to adjust, your walls fluttering around him and sending his mind into a haze. 

Before he knows it, he’s all the way in and he has to rest his head on your shoulder to catch his breath. It’s leaving him in short bursts, puffing against your skin, but he can’t help it. You’re just so- 

So fucki-

Fuck

So fucking tight and hot and wet and right around him, and Vernon wonders if it’ll feel like this every time. If it does, he’ll need to start up some deep breathing exercises because he feels like he can’t get enough air in his lungs with you clenching around him like this, sucking him deeper and deeper inside you. 

It’s taking everything in him not to cum right now, and it doesn’t help when Vernon lifts his head and meets your gaze in the mirror. Your eyes are half-lidded, your mouth dropped open to pant against the mirror, fogging it up a bit, and your breasts heave as your chest expands, fighting to breathe through the stretch. He wonders if he should’ve fingered you open a bit more, spread you out with three instead of two, but remembers you saying you loved when it felt like it almost wouldn’t fit. 

With that thought in mind, Vernon raises a brow at you and, at your nod, pulls out and gently fucks back into you again. He builds the pace slowly, steadily, until your walls don’t drag around him as much and his thrusts are eased by more of your wetness seeping out. He bottoms out inside you every time, hips bumping roughly against yours and he looks down to watch your ass jiggle with every thrust. His hands grip harder at your hips, fingertips denting the flesh and pulling you back onto him, and Vernon feels you rise up on your tip toes before he sees it, his cock sinking into you just a little bit deeper with the new angle. 

Releasing your hips to brace his hands on the counter, on either side of yours, Vernon sucks the flesh of your shoulder between his teeth and meets your eyes in the mirror again. Your gaze shoots straight through him, sending heat down his throat to settle in his stomach, pleasure settling heavily in his gut. 

Vernon can already feel himself getting close, has to break the connection and close his eyes so he can hold out a bit longer, as he starts to fuck into you harder. Your hips knock against the counter and he peeks an eye open to grab distractedly at the hand towel, stopping just long enough to spread it out along the edge and cushion your hips. 

Your hand moves to cover his on the counter and he twines your fingers together, squeezing three times before wrapping his other arm around your waist and pulling you up to rest your back against his chest. In this position, he can barely pull out enough to fuck into you but Vernon doesn’t care, can’t care because this angle lets him get right at your g-spot and he tightens his grip around you before pounding into you. He crowds you up against the counter, hoping the towel is enough to stop the hard edge from digging into your skin, and targets each thrust at that ridged spot inside you. 

Vernon wriggles the hand beneath yours free and slides it down your stomach to press his middle finger into your clit. When he starts the circles, he feels your knees get weak and you lean further into him. He’s been working out though, so he just tenses his arm to hold you up and keeps bucking into you like the fate of the free world depends on it. 

He’d been too focused on aiming his thrusts to realize how quiet you’d gotten but when your cry breaks out into the air, Vernon shudders and starts rubbing at your clit faster. He can tell you’re getting close, can feel it in the clenching of your pussy and the wetness seeping out around his cock, can hear it in the way your cries rise in pitch and volume, can see it in the haziness of your eyes and set of your brow, the way your mouth opens wide and you start gasping for air. 

A punched out sound leaves you with each thrust and your pussy starts fluttering around him, swallowing his cock and sucking him back in every time he tries to leave. Eventually, Vernon obeys and just grinds his cock into your g-spot and pinches your clit between two fingers, letting his hand stay still and his thrusts do the work of moving it for him. Your moans become keening whimpers and he actually feels the dam inside you break loose, the strength of your orgasm forcing him to stop all movement completely. 

Your walls pulse around him, your wetness flooding out around his cock and Vernon has no choice but to let you pull him under too. His orgasm hits him like a truck, nearly knocking him off his feet and forcing him to lean into you against the counter as you cum together. Vernon’s never cum inside someone before and it’s like nothing he’s ever felt, his cum shooting out in bursts and mixing with yours, your throbbing walls sucking it deeper and deeper inside and he opens his eyes to see the base of his cock glistening with a ring of white. 

Vernon rests his head in your neck and moves his hand from between your legs to gently pull your knee down from the counter, rubbing at your hip to prevent any cramping. He wraps his arm around you so he’s fully hugging you, swaying you gently and listening to the sound of your breaths as they slow. He can feel his heart pounding against yours, which is fitting because he’s pretty sure you just bit a chunk of it off and replaced it with part of yours.

That's fine though, Vernon knows both you and him have plenty of heart to spare and it seems like an even trade. 

You start pulling away from him, and Vernon whines before he can even process it, wrapping you up tighter in his arms and sighing happily when you give up. 

“I was just gonna turn the shower back on, we should clean up so we can go to sleep.” 

Oh. That makes sense, Vernon supposes, and swivels your bodies toward the shower before shuffling you both forward, foot by foot. He loosens his hold enough to let you lean forward and start the shower back up, waiting until steam fogs up the glass to straighten himself up and heft you into his arms. He lets your legs dangle and squeezes your tummy just to hear the giggle you let escape, and brings you under the water with him before lowering you back down to the floor. 

Vernon forgot to grab a washcloth and he thinks it might be too rough for your sensitive skin anyway, so he just rinses you clean with a gentle hand between the thighs and a kiss to the side of your head. He cleans himself off much more roughly before grabbing a towel and stepping out of the shower, knowing you have a routine you like to do. 

He pulls some boxers from his bag and lounges on the bed, letting his mind drift as he waits for you. 

There’s only one more month of your internship left, and then you’ll return to campus, return to him. This little taste of all the things he’s wanted with you, all the things he’s dreamt about, has only solidified in his mind that he was built to be your boyfriend. He has so many more plans and ideas and wishes that he can’t wait to share with you, and he knows that you feel the same, can feel it in his bones. 

Would now be too soon to tell you he loves you? That he’s in love with you? That he dreams about you every night and wakes every morning wishing you were there? That when he closes his eyes, he can see you unpacking boxes in the apartment you’ll share, he can see you laughing at his ineptitude in the kitchen of the first house you’ll buy together, he can see his mom crying when she meets you and his dad smiling proudly at him, his sister sending him a secret thumbs up? 

The door opens and steam billows out, surrounding you in a golden haze. When your cheeks lift in a smile, skin dewy with moisturizer and hair smelling of your favorite leave-in, Vernon thinks it’s not too soon at all. When you climb into bed and immediately burrow your way into his arms, pressing a kiss to his mouth and laying your head down on his chest, Vernon thinks it couldn’t possibly be soon enough. 

Maybe he’ll wait until the end of the weekend though, when he’s sure he won’t accidentally ask you to stay with him forever, just to be safe. 

AN: heyyyyy!! i hope you enjoyed this, i wrote it in like two days and it's pretty long but i like to have some build up and then really go in on the smut so here we are!

i literally cry when i get feedback, whether it's tags or comments on a reblog or a message in my inbox! please chat with me if you want!

PART 4

Masterlist

#buy a boyfriend #vernon #chwe vernon #chwe hansol #chwe hansol x reader #vernon chwe #vernon svt #vernon seventeen #seventeen #svt #svt fluff #seventeen fluff #seventeen smut #svt smut #svt x reader #svt x you #seventeen x reader #seventeen x you #kpop fluff #kpop smut #✨emily writes✨

[pineappleciders]

sp main 4 with a reader who has an eating disorder; platonic headcanons

includes: stan, kyle, cartman, and kenny

A/N: kyles and kennys look so much longer than the rest oops LOL, also the ed is restrictive n implied as anorexia but others could fit it too 🤫

stan marsh

he notices when you don't eat your lunch, and how you tend to leave after meals. he doesn't think it's weird though, acknowledging that it's normal to have something not agree with your stomach or just not being hungry.

but, it started to worry him a little as it became more frequent, and how you were losing weight rapidly

he probably doesn't ask about it at first, but sometimes he'll mention little things or try to subtly express concern

"do you not like your lunch? you can have my fries, if you want."

he might confront you about it, and assumes that there's something else going on in your life that's been affecting you. he figures that would explain the lethargy, the dizziness, and how pre-occupied you are.

he has no idea what an eating disorder is.

you have to explain it, and he probably does some research online about what your disorder is and it just kinda. clicks for him. like the puzzle pieces snap into place

he thinks of all the times you've shown symptoms and warning signs, and he feels like a complete asshole for ignoring them

he keeps it in mind afterwards. he'll offer you pieces of his lunch, and invite your family over for dinner. he also reminds you that he's there for you, whatever that means.

he tries to spend more time with you, sort of as a way to ease his mind that you're safe. and he has his mom make your favorite snacks when you two hang out!!

stan tries to be more mindful of his words, and takes other peoples mental health more into consideration. it's kind of a wake-up call to him

"damn, Y/N, you got sand in your vagina? you look awful."

"lay off, cartman."

"what?! i'm just saying! we were all thinking it!"

if you get really dizzy and nearly faint he gets really scared and immediately takes you to the school nurse. like he's very concerned that you're dying or something and falls asleep in the nurses office waiting for you to recover

he doesn't fully understand the disorder, but he still feels really bad about it!!!! he hopes that one day you'll have a better relationship with food. until then, he's happy to do everything he can to make it easier on you

kyle broflovski

he's probably a little ignorant of your symptoms at first, like he'll tell himself in his head that it's probably nothing.

in fact, he probably thinks you're sick. puking, not eating, always tired. he assumes it's just the common cold, and doesn't pry.

he can't help but worry though. bringing your own lunch with barely anything in it, never staying still, always drinking diet drinks. it was little things that added up and made him suspicious

he wants to mind his own business, but he figures he would be a bad friend if he just let you go through whatever you're going through on your own. he has to be there for his friends.

"Y/N? dude, can i talk to you? over here." kyle pulls you out of the hall into a secluded area.

"uhh, yeah, what's up?"

"uh, listen dude, are you sick or something? like, you haven't been eating any of your lunches, and to be honest... you look terrible."

"gee, thanks."

"ah, i didn't mean it like that. you look exhausted, i mean look at your eyebags! is.. is something wrong?"

you struggle to find words.

"yeah, no, i'm.. i've been fine. a cold, is all."

".. are you sure?"

"...yyyeah."

he keeps an eye on you after that, giving a worried look and furrowed brow when you refuse to eat, but you dismiss it every time.

he starts to research online about what could possibly be going on. not eating, always tired, low-energy, regurgitation...

he comes to the conclusion you might have an eating disorder, and he's honestly super lost on where to go from there. does he confront you about it? does he say nothing and leave you alone? is it any of his business?

he decides to start trying to ease his way into conversation by packing you a lunch one day. that way, you have to eat it!

he does little things like that, like following you to the bathroom after lunch or stopping you during laps around the school. it's... a little manipulative, trying to pressure you into cracking or stopping your bad habits. but, he really doesn't know how else to approach this.

once he talks to you about it, he tries his best to be emotionally available for you. he tries to keep his mouth shut and listen to you talk.

afterwards, he'll give you little pats on the shoulder as encouragement, or bring little chocolates from home for you in his lunchbox. he knows he isn't the best with stuff like this, so he tries to show his care by inviting you to play video games at his house.

to him, quality time can be one of the best ways to bond with someone. he's always inviting you to hang out or go out for dinner with his family!

eric cartman

"you gonna eat that?"

"like you need anymore food, fat-boy."

he's mainly confused on why you're acting so weird. it's sloppy joe day, dude. what the fuck are you doing staring at the wall??

most definitely takes the food you don't eat

"dude, Y/N, what crawled up your ass and died? you've been picking at your food all period."

"..nothing."

he huffs and turns back to his tray, mumbling under his breath. "well, fine, be a dick."

if you were to ever pass out, he'd assume you didn't sleep enough or have like. heart issues or something. which wouldn't be that far off

he only really cares if it causes some sort of medical problem or something. like heart disease, fainting and hitting your bead. then atp it gets him a little nervous. mostly because he isn't prepared to rush anyone to the er anytime soon

it bugs him. like it gradually gets more and more under his skin how you're obviously starving yourself. yeah, he knows. and he wish he didn't, because it's so confusing to him

why???? what is the purpose??????

honestly might subtly try to talk to stan or kenny about it. not cuz he cares. definitely not

"have you noticed Y/N lately??"

"what about them?"

he sighs. "god, you really haven't noticed? they're totally ana-recks-it or whatever it's called. they hurl in the bathroom after lunch every day."

it's kind of hard for him to grasp his mind around,,,, so he chooses to ignore it. it still pisses him off though to no avail

he knows a bit about eating disorders from the internet and stuff, and that you're probably doing it out of insecurity or something. he really doesn't care about that part, but your habits gradually annoy him more and more

sometimes he'll just. push food to you at the lunch table. and when you ask why he's like huffing and reaches to take it back like "well damn i'll have it myself then"

he does get actually concerned if you get super light-headed or something. like if you stand up from your seat and fall back gripping your head he'll look at you from across the room all curious

and might take you to the nurse if nobody else will. maybe

kenny mccormick

yeah, he notices. he doesn't bring it up very often, how you don't eat a lot at lunch, mainly to save you any embarrassment.

he honestly just assumes you don't eat around him in particular out of sympathy. he thinks that you see his measly sandwich and apple and don't eat out of guilt. which he himself feels really bad about

tries to ask you what's wrong and ask if you don't want your food,, but tries not to make a big deal out of it

observes you a little closer, taking mental note of your weird little behaviors. going to the bathroom frequently, always walking, never quite seeming comfortable at your lunch table. he couldn't put his finger on it!

it was one day when you fainted and had to be sent to the nurses office that he pieced it together. he hadn't learned a lot about eating disorders, only a few bits and pieces off the web.

he felt guilty, for some reason. like he had failed you as a friend

i feel like if he were to confront you about it, he'd do it in a subtle way, not like an interrogation. he already feels like he's invading your privacy by mentioning it!!

he might bring it up while you're playing video games in your room. "mmph, mmmph? mm mm mmph mph mmphph? (hey, Y/N? can i ask you something?")

you pause the split-screen game you two were playing and look at him. "sure dude, go for it."

he looks around a little before his eyes land back on you. "mmphh.... mph mmphph mph mmph mph mmph mmphph mppphpm mmph mmmph. (so, i wanted to talk to you about something really important.")

you raise your eyebrow a little. "ookay."

he fidgets a little. "mph... mph mph mmphph? mmph.. mp mmph mph mphph mhp mmfmf mmphph mmphph. mmph mph? (well... are you okay? i've noticed you've been kinda distant lately. what's up?")

you feel your heart drop a bit, anxiety starting to swell. "uh.. i've been fine, i don't know what you're talking about."

his eyes look a little rejected, but he keeps trying. "mm.. mphm mph mphph mmf mm mph mph mmph mph. mp.. mp mph mmf mmf.. mphpmf mphhfm? mph mmmphph?(uh.. i'm just gonna say it. do.. do you have like.. eating problems? a disorder?")

he appreciates that you're talking to him about it, even if you're being honest or not.

he won't treat you differently afterwards. he'll give you a good pat on the back and a smile (you can only tell by the crinkle of his eyes), but he treats you the same.

he'll point out your funky mannerisms even less, and reminds you that you can talk to him. he isn't great at talking but he's great at listening!!!! also tries to be nicer to you. but he doesn't do it consciously, he just feels more of an urge to help you out and even protect you. specifically from cartman.

#south park #sp x reader #south park x reader #sp fandom #stan marsh x reader #kyle broflovski x reader #eric cartman x reader #kenny mccormick x reader #platonic south park x reader #platonic sp x reader #sp headcanons #pineappleciders