#seriously my dysphoria has been awful | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

queenofzan · 1 year

Text

Period Dysphoria

The worst thing about estrogen puberty for me was by far menstruation. I struggled with the practical aspects of dealing with periods, it wrecked me emotionally most months even though I didn’t actually have significant mood swings or PMS just because I hated it, it made me hate my body, and it felt icky.

So here are some Tips for dealing with or lessening menstrual dysphoria!

Have you tried a different period product?

I know this might sound silly--I hate this thing my body is doing, why would changing how I keep it from being an awful mess affect how I feel about it?--but it turned out a lot of my dysphoria was triggered by some of the specific sensations of it. I resisted tampons for a long time because of anxiety about TSS, but the first time I used a tampon (bc I started unexpectedly, asked all the girls around me for pads, and no one had any, but someone did have tampons, and it seemed like a better option than. stuffing a wad of toilet paper in my underwear and calling it a day) I was astonished to find that my dysphoria was much better.

There were things I didn’t like about tampons, but overall my periods were much less awful when I started using them. It also let me pinpoint what the sensations that triggered my dysphoria were, and determine that I would almost certainly get even better results using a cup. So I bought a cup and voila! All my period dysphoria and a bunch of the practical problems I had were effectively eliminated.

Cups have their own drawbacks, and definitely might make your dysphoria worse if it’s more general than mine is, but my point is actually consider giving other period products a try. If it doesn’t help, at least you know now. And it might be useful in helping you figure out what would help.

I stuck with pads for a long time because I figured nothing would help and pads seemed ~safest~

Birth control that stops periods

This was pretty new when I was a teenager, and people (including my mom) were kind of scared and fear-mongery about it...even though people had been using traditional birth control pills to lessen or skip their periods for decades.

It is not unhealthy to skip your periods!

I mean, if your body is doing it and you’re not on birth control or HRT, it might be a sign something weird is going on. But doing it on purpose is fine!

Even if you’re not out or don’t want to talk to your parents or doctor about being trans, you might be able to get this! People are often sympathetic to the idea of periods being inconvenient. Talk about the practical difficulties--complain about bleeding through your clothes or sheets and having to do extra laundry, complain about cramps, complain about irregularity and needing a more reliable cycle!

Besides pills, there’s also the implant, which is available in the USA and Canada (and may be available in other countries, idk). In the USA it’s called Nexplanon, and it’s what I used before I got on testosterone.

Most birth control methods that stop periods don’t do it 100% reliably, but I had much shorter and easier periods even when they showed up.

The implant also has the advantage of not having the same kind of side effects as birth control pills, which might feel “feminizing” and make dysphoria worse.

Sleep on a towel

This might also be silly, and might have more to do with anxiety than dysphoria, but one reason I felt like shit during my periods in high school was how much I worried about leaking in the night and getting blood all over my bed, so I got terrible sleep, which makes everything worse.

Get yourself a ratty old towel (or a black one!) and sleep on it!

Personally I found any discomfort from the towel being less comfy than my sheets was FAR outweighed by the peace of mind that I was not going to get blood on everything.

If the towel is super uncomfortable, maybe you could try a dark-colored sheet, or even a waterproof liner/sheet!

Seriously I cannot begin to explain how much this simple thing that felt like cheating or some kind of life hack made my periods so much easier to deal with!

Talk to other people who menstruate about their experiences

I know this one can feel weird and uncomfortable, but it really helped me.

You probably know this, but most people with vaginas do not know a whole lot about them. We are given very minimal and warped information about what looks, feels, and acts normal. Stacking dysphoria on top of the extremely understandable shame a misogynist society tries to instill in people can make things extra difficult for us!

Talking to cis women who did not feel suicidal during their periods helped me realize maybe my period dysphoria was in fact serious!

Talking to other trans people about their experiences made me feel way less weird and alone!

You are not the only dude who has a period, or non-binary person who has a period! Slightly over half the human population menstruates for a significant chunk of their lives; that includes and has always included trans people.

If it isn’t too alienating/upsetting for you, reading feminist literature like Our Bodies, Ourselves and Cunt can be a great source of actual information from other people with vaginas about what is/isn’t normal for vaginas.

Generally speaking, if it’s not uncomfortable or distressing...it’s normal.

That still doesn’t mean you have to like it! You can have a perfectly healthy and typical body and still be unhappy with it because it’s not what you want!

I spent a long time suffering during every period. Now I’m on testosterone and don’t have periods at all, which rules, but I did manage to effectively eliminate period dysphoria before I even started T. It might not be as effective or possible for you, but it’s also important to remember:

Just because you can’t completely eliminate the problem doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have as easy of a time as it’s possible for you to have! Even if you can’t completely eliminate your period dysphoria, having less dysphoria or less anxiety about your period is worth it! Feeling less bad about yourself is worth it!

It’s not a zero-sum game where your options are Dysphoria Hell and Absolutely Dysphoria Free! Having a slightly better bad time is, well, better than having a terrible time. Just because none of these things are likely to Fix Everything doesn’t mean it’s not worth giving it a shot.

(And I mean, maybe you’ll get lucky like me, and it turns out something you thought was all-encompassing is actually a very specific trigger you can avoid. You don’t know if you don’t try!)

#menstruation #dysphoria #ftm #transmasc #trans stuff

13 notes · View notes

sunflorable · 1 year

Text

Missouri AG order

ANYWAY this is what I wanted to rant about.

As someone with the time, means, and interest to research the sources used in the Missouri AG's emergency order to stop gender-affirming care, I did that.

Well, I'm about halfway through, but it's a lot of repeating sources after this point, and I've been at this for hours now. Neglecting all the other things I was supposed to do today.

This is the first part of my analysis, which is going to be very long, because this hardly made a dent in my notes.

So, we know that in general these transphobic extremists use junk science and cherry pick their data, that's not new. But it's hard and rare to get them to give sources, and so many. So I jumped on the opportunity to look through these sources, and also the AG cited a lot of the figures I've been interested in finding out the origins of. So yeah. This might help some people, might not, but I did the research, so here I am.

First of all, the AG switches between the old and current WPATH (World Professional Association of Transgender Health) standards of care, whenever it suits him.

The old SOC, SOC 7, were published in 2011, probably the same ones I looked at early in my transition when I was figuring out what the hell to do. It's a 68 page document.

The SOC 8, by contrast, is 260 pages, published in 2022. Obviously, between 2011 and 2022 the healthcare profession and people in general learned a lot about trans people. The Missouri AG didn't like this, so continuously cites the SOC 7 when they say things like they don't know the long term effects of puberty blockers, etc. A lot of the unsure language that casts doubt on the legitimacy of trans people's identities and the benefits of transition disappeared between the 7 and 8...because we learned so much in that time.

He also writes about WPATH like they're begrudgingly admitting uncomfortable facts. He thinks any acknowledgement of not knowing something is some kind of gotcha moment.

As you could also imagine, the AG is misinterpreting a lot of the citations he makes. Seriously, if I didn't know it was intentional I'd think this person was just awful at research and reading comprehension. Things in quotes in the AG's order are actually not quotes from sources. Some are, but a lot of the WPATH ones that are supposed to be direct quotes are not. He misrepresents what the WPATH was trying to say (in the SOC 7) here:

"Often this care takes the form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, rather than any chemical or surgical intervention. As the World Professional Association for Transgender Health has previously put it, this therapy often involves exploring the many influences on a person’s gender identity, including 'peer and other social relationships,' and ensuring that 'gender dysphoria is not secondary to, or better accounted for, by other diagnoses.'"

The page he is quoting from is not discussing psychotherapy, but rather an assessment as a precursor to receiving hormones and other medical treatments for gender dysphoria. He lifted the "peer and other social relationships" (not actually a direct quote, despite his quotations) part not from a request to explore "influences on a person's gender identity" but rather from a request to determine history of gender dysphoria, the impact of stigma against trans and gender nonconforming people, and the availability of peers, family, relationships as a support system.

The AG goes on to say that WPATH recommends doing talk therapy to ensure that gender dysphoria is not secondary to, or better accounted for, by other diagnoses. What WPATH (once again, the SOC 7, not the current one) actually says is that "the role of mental health professionals includes making reasonably sure that gender dysphoria is not secondary to, or better accounted for, by other diagnoses."

A recurring theme throughout this document is an insistence that any other mental health condition is an automatic exclusion of being eligible for gender-affirming care, and the AG tries to make it seem like the research supports this assumption. It does not, and it will emerge as a topic again and again with different sources.

As a source of comparison, the 2022 SOC 8 describes the same situation differently: "The role of the assessor is to assess for the presence of gender incongruence and identify any co-existing mental health concerns,..." Importantly, the SOC 8 says that the provider should be able to distinguish between gender dysphoria, incongruence, and diversity vs any of these coexisting conditions. It does not say that any conditions are grounds for excluding someone from care. WPATH even asks for the provider to ensure that any mental or physical health condition that could impact the outcome of gender-affirming treatment is assessed, and risks and benefits are discussed with the patient, before deciding to move forward.

And goes on, very importantly, to acknowledge the agency of both the trans patient and the health care provider and present a patient-provider relationship that is honestly so relieving to see. Chef's kiss.

"...the decision to move forward is shared between the TGD (transgender and gender diverse) person and the assessing HCP (healthcare provider), with both playing a key part in collaborative decision-making."

It goes on to mention that counseling and psychotherapy can be helpful for people who want it, but it is not a requirement. Which is huge. (but that's a different discussion, just mentioned here because obviously if you're trying to gatekeep gender-affirming care you'll refer to the old version that doesn't say that).

This is going to be much longer than I intended it to be, this is just a discussion of the first source. I'll bring more up later.

Part 2 Here

#missouri #transgender #politics #trans issues #part 1 of a million

1 note · View note

x-cherrymoon-x · 3 years

Text

Tw vent

#honestly my mental health hasn’t been quite as bad recently #so I feel like a piece of shit for complaining #but even tho my ed hasn’t been as bad #and I’ve been clean from self harm for like two-three weeks now #my dysphoria has been absolutely awful #like it’s always been bad #but now I refuse to look at my self and a barely shower bc I just can’t take #it #I think it’s gotten worse bc I’ve been seriously thinking about coming out soon and so I’m just noticing so much more about myself #god I just hate myself so much #so much #why couldn’t I have just been born as a guy #I fucking hate it and I hate myself #and I’m gonna have to live my whole life in this fucking body #Ed tw #sh tw #eating disorder tw #self harm tw

0 notes

glitterpeachdelusion · 2 years

Text

I have thoughts on what's going on in Florida right now. I mean, I'm probably preemptively blocked from like 95% of tumblr so I doubt the people who actually should read this will, but here it goes.

A brief disclaimer: part of this is my own personal opinion, part of this is the opinion of moderates, republicans, and democrats. I'm trying to bring you the perspective you probably aren't getting from the internet. Really, I'm trying to save the left from itself. I say a lot of this with love. Some of it with annoyance.

I'm seeing a future where Ron Desantis is the next president of the United States and everyone's gonna act like they took no part in setting the foundation.

I really think whoever is raging out about this bill actually needs to read it. Here's a link, its only like 3 pages.

Okay, so first of all. The actual title of this bill is the parental rights bill.

The prohibition of classroom instruction on sexual orientation and gender identity is only applicable to grades K-3. It further goes on to say that children who are being sent for mental health services within the system must legally have their parent's notified by the school. Parent's can sue if they feel that the school is withholding potentially serious info about their kids. (I WONDER WHICH GROUP HAS ADVOCATED FOR CHILDREN TO BE GIVEN SECRET TREATMENT FOR CERTAIN CONDITIONS......)

The vast majority of Floridians support this bill. While yall are out here calling it the "Don't Say Gay Bill", supporters (many of whom are Republican, but there are also a ton of Democrats on board) are calling it the Anti-Grooming Bill.

You seriously need to consider if this is the hill you want to die on. You will not win this fight.

Because there is absolutely no way for you to argue this to people with children under the age of 9 years old without coming off as a child predator. The questions you will be asked are:

-Why do you want to teach young children about sex before they can even read?

-Why do you want children under the age of 9 to learn about transgender theory?

-Why do you think its okay for the state to bypass parental involvement in their children's mental health?

And whatever answer you give is going to sound an awful lot like child grooming. "But the child is being abused, we have to keep it a secret from their family". If a teacher suspects abuse, they call CPS and or police. They're mandated reporters. This is clearly not about parental abuse.

I have a lifetime of experience with Florida schools, both as a student and as a parent of a student in the age group this bill was designed for. Can I speak to whether or not these things were happening to the level that necessitates this bill? Maybe. A lot of people, myself included have felt that the school systems have cut our involvement out of the process to the point where we don't even know what our kids are doing. They're not bring home any homework, they haven't had conferences in years, academically they're falling behind, and our kids are telling us things that are deeply concerning(about teachers and other students). Things that should have maybe warranted a phone call. At the respect of not making this post far longer than it needs to be, my experience this past year was a total shit-show. I pulled my daughter out last month and have been homeschooling her ever since.

Republicans used the slogan of gays coming for your children for 50 years to deny you human rights.

Now parents are in a world where not only is the left arguing to teach sexual orientation and gender identity lessons to kids as young as 5 years old, they're arguing to medicalize children as young as 10-12 and offer them hormones and gender-affirming surgery for dysphoria. Don't say its not happening, because it obviously is. You are, quite literally at this point, coming for their children.

You're making the republicans look like prophets. You're making them look down-right reasonable. You're making Ron Desantis a serious contender for 2024.

And the more you reeee about this bill, and the more people read it, the worse you are going to look. You have been fucking played.

#rad fem #radical feminists do interact #radical feminists please touch #radblr #radfems welcome #radical feminist safe #dont say gay bill #drop the t

96 notes · View notes

vivithefolle · 3 years

Note

I just wanna ask, and don’t get mad at me cause I’m genuinely curious, how do you stan Ron? Like, I like him, but he is definitely misogynistic (slut shaming Ginny, treating hermione like she owes him something and being mad that she kissed someone years before, always objectifying Fleur, and acting like girls who aren’t pretty aren’t worth much). Like, by DH I feel like he definitely has mostly grown out of it, but still 6/7 books he’s kinda unbearable IMO

how do you stan Ron?

Like this:

OH MY GOD HAVE YOU SEEN. HAVE YOU SEEN HIM DID YOU SEE MY BABY OH MY GOD. WHEN HARRY’S ARM HAD GONE KABLOOIE BECAUSE OF LOCKHART AND HE. RON. HE WAS. HELPING HIM GET DRESSED???? OH MY GOD BABY???? HHHHNNNNGGGG. AND. AND. AND ALSO WHEN HE. OMG. WHEN HE WAS PUTTING FOOD ON HIS FRIENDS’ PLATES LIKE. MOM FRIEND ALERT MOM FRIEND ALERT MOM FRIEND ALERT. AND THE WAY HE’S ALWAYS BLUSHING AND BEING EMBARRASSED AT THE SLIGHTEST PRAISE BUT ALSO HE’S SO DESPERATELY SEEKING IT BUT HE KNOWS HE CAN’T TAKE IT AND EEK EEK EEK THAT’S SO CUTE SOMEONE HOLD ME IT’S ADORABLE RONALD WEASLEY YOU ARE SO GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME IT’S ILLEGAL TO BE THIS CUTE!!!!

Ok and then.

he is definitely misogynistic

No. And here’s why.

slut shaming Ginny

Yes, that was wrong. And guess what, that’s also something he probably - scratch that, definitely - picked up from his mother. And also his brothers, recall how Fred and George too don’t like to see Ginny go around with boys. There’s also something to recall: Ron was there when Ginny was taken into the Chamber of Secrets and learned later that it was because she had trusted an older guy. You seriously wouldn’t be paranoid about who your sister dates after that? It was wrong. Yeah. And he more than learned his lesson when Ginny clapped back by virgin-shaming him and basically told him that he was childish because he hadn’t have a relationship yet. So would that make Ginny sexist too? Or is it just for Ron?

treating hermione like she owes him something

..................... uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh... when? When the fuck did anything like that happen?

He made a prat of himself at the Yule Ball, that much is obvious. But he didn’t tell her anything like “you should be with me” or didn’t insinuate anything of the sort. He was a jealous bitch but kept attacking Krum, not Hermione.

If you mean in sixth year when he treated her with “icy, sneering indifference” for the course of two weeks, yeah that was bad but that’s not “treating her like she owes him something”, the fuck?

being mad that she kissed someone years before

Yeah. I know. And that was bad, ooooh you got me to admit Ron did bad stuff, that’s what you want to see, right? And I reckon he was also mad that she hid it from him, and that he had to learn it from his sister of all people. We see Ron handles what he considers betrayals terribly. I have some meta discussing the possibility that he has a form of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

always objectifying Fleur

Um... no, he doesn’t. He makes a stupid comment about her once in GOF then stops. Let’s also fucking remember that Fleur is a Veela, she literally makes guys stare at her as part of her powers!! I’m not blaming her because she’s literally born that way, but you can’t blame someone who is under magical compulsion either.

acting like girls who aren’t pretty aren’t worth much

So tell me why he was friends with Hermione then?

Because Hermione wasn’t Emma Watson the super hawt sexy model goddess. Hermione was Mrs Generic. Until this once at the Yule Ball when she got the pretty princess perfect Mary Sue makeover but then stopped because she had to remain ~relatable uwu~.

Again. Ron made stupid sexist comments. But it’s actively shown that he doesn’t follow up on them. If he did indeed live by the motto “girls who aren’t pretty aren’t worth much”, explain to me why he wasn’t simping and drooling all over Padma Patil who is explicitly stated to be one of the prettiest girls at school when she was his date? Why exactly did he ignore her and was a miserable twat the whole evening instead of basking in the joy of having snagging a girl that was “worth it”? Well surprise, it’s because HE ACTUALLY ISN’T LIKE THAT AND WHAT HE SAYS IS MAYBE SHIT HIS “COOL OLDER BROTHERS” SAY AND HE THINKS THAT BY EXTENSION IT WOULD MAKE HIM COOL TO REPEAT IT. MIMETISM, THAT'S BASIC FUCKING HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY FOR FUCKING TODDLERS MY FUCKING GOD.

Like, by DH I feel like he definitely has mostly grown out of it,

............

...................................

...............................................................

so. so why. so why wouldn’t you. use that. as a reason. to stan him.

like.

fuck all the “hurr durr ron weasley the boy who made it out of the friendzone!!!!” bullshit, let’s start going with “Ron Weasley, the Boy who became a Man, and not one of those 'uugghh im such an alpha male’ ones but one that’s got the balls to say ‘hey love, I’ve got an idea, what if you kept doing that job you love and feel passionate about while I support you and do the majority of the childcare while also working a smaller job on the side so we’re never short on money’“

Why you people gotta be “yeah I like Ron BUTT” when you know full-well this fucking awful fandom will rake him over hot coals over the slightest mistake he does - worse, will actively go out of their way to interpret his positive moments in the most negative way possible??? Fuck off with that bullshit. Ron dared to say bad stuff omygah big deal, he was forgiven for it all and you’re just all cowards looking to feel “pure” by telling yourself “oh yeah but he was problematic once uwu”. FUCK. THAT. NOISE.

but still 6/7 books he’s kinda unbearable IMO

And IMO he’s not, funny how that works

So.

I guess it’s impossible to stan Ron because he was problematic uwu.

Ok.

Then I hereby decree that it’s impossible to stan Hermione Granger because:

“I’ll bet you wish you hadn’t given up Divination now, don’t you, Hermione?” asked Parvati, smirking. [...] “Not really,” said Hermione indifferently, who was reading the Daily Prophet. “I’ve never really liked horses.” She turned a page of the newspaper, scanning its columns. “He’s not a horse, he’s a centaur!” said Lavender, sounding shocked. “A gorgeous centaur . . .” sighed Parvati. “Either way, he’s still got four legs,” said Hermione coolly. “Any-way, I thought you two were all upset that Trelawney had gone?” - Order of the Phoenix, ch 27

wow casual use of a racial slur yay!!! A+

And it’s also forbidden to stan Harry Potter either since:

It was raining hard now, and she was nowhere to be seen. He simply did not understand what had happened; half an hour ago they had been getting along fine. “Women!” he muttered angrily, sloshing down the rain-washed street with his hands in his pockets. “What did she want to talk about Cedric for anyway? Why does she always want to drag up a subject that makes her act like a human hosepipe?” - Order of the Phoenix, ch 25

and

“Harry! There you are, thank goodness! Hi, Luna!” “What’s happened to you?” asked Harry, for Hermione looked distinctly disheveled, rather as though she had just fought her way out of a thicket of Devil’s Snare. “Oh, I’ve just escaped — I mean, I’ve just left Cormac,” she said. “Under the mistletoe,” she added in explanation, as Harry continued to look questioningly at her. “Serves you right for coming with him,” he told her severely. “I thought he’d annoy Ron most,” said Hermione dispassionately. “I debated for a while about Zacharias Smith, but I thought, on the whole —” “You considered Smith?” said Harry, revoked. - Half-Blood Prince

Victim-blaming! Nice Harry, nice. Always classy.

Ok, Ginny stanning is already cancelled because she virgin-shamed Ron, right, so who’s left, who’s left... ah yeah:

“There you go,” said Fred proudly. “Best range of love potions you’ll find anywhere.” - Half-Blood Prince

Selling date rape drugs proudly ouh là là. Bye Fred.

"Do they work?” she asked. “Certainly they work, for up to twenty-four hours at a time depending on the weight of the boy in question...” “...and the attractiveness of the girl,” said George, reappearing suddenly at their side. “But we’re not selling them to our sister,” he added, becoming suddenly stern, “not when she’s already got about five boys on the go from what we’ve...” “Whatever you’ve heard from Ron is a big fat lie,” said Ginny calmly, leaning forward to take a small pink pot off the shelf.

Assuming that only girls use love potions, and only on boys. Men never rape in JKR’s world, only women do, you heard it from George Weasley here folks, I’m just passing on the message. Ah and I hope you’re also starting the Fred And George Hate Club given how he’s also slut-shaming Ginny.

“What’s this?” “Guaranteed ten-second pimple vanisher,” said Fred. “Excellent on everything from boils to blackheads, but don’t change the subject. Are you or are you not currently going out with a boy called Dean Thomas?” “Yes, I am,” said Ginny. “And last time I looked, he was definitely one boy, not five. What are those?” She was pointing at a number of round balls of fluff in shades of pink and purple, all rolling around the bottom of a cage and emitting high-pitched squeaks. “Pygmy Puffs,” said George. “Miniature puffskeins, we can’t breed them fast enough. So what about Michael Corner?” “I dumped him, he was a bad loser,” said Ginny, putting a finger through the bars of the cage and watching the Pygmy Puffs crowd around it. “They’re really cute!” “They’re fairly cuddly, yes,” conceded Fred. “But you’re moving through boyfriends a bit fast, aren’t you?” Ginny turned to look at him, her hands on her hips. There was such a Mrs. Weasley-ish glare on her face that Harry was surprised Fred didn’t recoil. “It’s none of your business. And I’ll thank you” she added angrily to Ron, who had just appeared at George’s elbow, laden with merchandise, “not to tell tales about me to these two!”

Ah, good on you for defending yourself, Ginny, but remember, Ginny stanning is prohibited because she’s been problematic in the past and is gonna be problematic in the future and that’s baaaaaaad. Careful kids, don’t get ideas. It’s problematic to like people who’ve done problematic things.

So I guess nobody can like anything or anyone now. Sorry guys. Liking things is evil, what if the thing you liked had, OR USED TO HAVE, *gasp* flaws, can’t take that risk, ohmygah.

#vivi answers #ask #ron weasley #ron weasley defense squad #ron weasley defence squad #hp fandumb #hp fandom #harry potter #harry potter series #fred weasley #george weasley #fred and george #ginny weasley #hermione granger #problematic content

154 notes · View notes

werevulvi · 3 years

Text

You know how often I ask myself, why can't I just be normal? It's quite a lot. I wanna talk about something I've never told anyone before, aside from a few strangers online. I've suppressed this my whole life, since childhood. I've acted with anger towards others with the same thing as me, told them how it's offensive and awful. Refused to allow myself to even think about my own urges and desires. It worked for a long time, until I wrote my book this summer, a fiction story about a couple who end up disabled from their dangerous work as assassins. My intentions were just... to try to give good representation and explore something I knew very little about.

So I did a lot of research into my characters' disabilities, and even briefly pretended to have those specific disabilities at home alone, just to get an idea of what it's like to manage daily life with them. It was just a writer's thing, just being a dedicated writer, I told myself, as I researched those disabilities far more in-depth than I did about assassins...

At one point, I would cover my eye with a makeshift eye patch, as one of my main character's loses an eye, and I... it brought forth what I had suppressed my whole life, and I can't suppress it anymore as a result of that. The bottled feelings have escaped and I can't put them back in again.

I think I have Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID.) There, I said it.

It's a very rare mental illness that makes you want to become disabled, usually in some very specific way. Most are males, and most desire amputation, but it can pertain to wanting blindness, deafness, or I guess, any conceivable disability. There's only been a few thousand reported cases, but it's also said to be a very secret disorder, so numbers are probably not accurate. It's very poorly researched, poorly understood, and still not recognized as an actual disorder. So you can't be diagnosed with it currently, and there are no set criteria for it. However, it will be in the upcoming ICD-11 (the International Classification of Diseases.) It will then also be re-named to Body Integrity Dysphoria (BID) as it's being recognized as a form of dysphoria, and as a neurological condition.

And now for the obligatory life story:

I don't remember when it started, but as a child, I'd say roughly age 5 or 7, I was obsessed with fictional characters that had a distinct scar over one eye, and either blind in that eye or entirely missing it. I would on occasion play around with a hand covering one eye, and wished I could have that for real. For a long time, I didn't know why I was so obsessed with that. If I was just admiring that kinda physical feature, or wanted it myself, or both. Throughout my teens and adulthood thus far, I've made a lot of drawings of people with only one eye, and scarred faces. I wrote another book back in 2013 with one of the main characters being a woman with a large scar across half her face. I've always been a little too fascinated with facial deformities, having only one eye, and facial assymmetry. And I've tried to express it with assymmetrical makeup looks (not made to look like I'm injured) throughout my teens and 20's.

So it's been with me for a very long time, even though I've tried super hard to suppress it, and tried to tell myself that I should just be happy to have a mostly abled body. But that wish/urge/whatever it is, has never gone away.

When I first heard of BIID, back in 2016 or so, I was angry, and thought of people with it as despicable. I was in deep denial of how much I could relate to them. Didn't want to think of that. But since learning more about the condition, and listening to others who have it, and learning it is actually a real condition... I guess that has helped me eventually come to this point that, well fuck... it me.

Up until recently, I thought it was just a self-harm desire, as I used to be a cutter, but now I understand that the self-harm was not the intention behind what I want with that, but merely the means to achieve it. Kinda like how I wanted to cut my own tits off before I had my double mastectomy. It wasn't about specifically wanting to injure my chest, but to not have tits anymore, and I much preferred the much safer way of doing it, through proper surgery. However, wanting half my face re-arranged is a little bit harder to achieve through elective surgery, even if surgeons were allowed to treat BIID through surgery. So I do not think my desire to get rid of my left eye and surrounding tissues is about wanting to harm myself. It's about wanting to have and live with the result of such an injury. Although I get that might be very unimaginable.

So then, have I ever made any attempts?

Yeah... I have. Once, I think it was when I was 22, I took a blade to my face, but chickened out, and ended up only making a very superficial cut on my cheek, which I was then extremely ashamed of. I didn't want for people to find out I had made it myself. Since then, I've stopped self-harming and have no desire to make a second attempt. I'm scared I'd fuck it up and cause damage I don't want, or... not enough damage. And I'm worried I'd be beyond myself with shame if I would take out my own eye and then other people would show sympathy for my injury, knowing I'd have caused it myself. I just kinda wish it would happen accidentally somehow.

So, to clarify, my BIID targets my left eye and left side of my face. Why left? Honestly because I'm deaf since birth on my left ear, so it would be extremely inconvenient to be deaf on one side and blind on the other. Much more manageable to have one side be blind-deaf and the other fully seeing and hearing. But at first it didn't matter to me so much which side of my face would be affected. I have no desire to become an amputee or fully blind. I also don't have a fetish for disabled people.

Would I date a disabled person?

Yes, but that's because some attractive people just so happen to be disabled, and I wouldn't think I'm particularly judgemental, not that I find their disabilities in and of themselves attractive.

I try to quell this desire, to lose an eye and half my face, by on occasion wearing an eye patch in secrecy. I know it can worsen my vision, but why on Earth would I mind that? It's kinda what I want. But my mom almost caught me wearing it today as she came by for a quick visit, and I have worn it at the grocery store, and out and about in my village. It feels so damn right, yet so fucking wrong...

Let's tackle this question as well: Do I feel like an ass towards disabled people?

Yes and no. Thing is, I'm already disabled myself. I'm not an abled person to begin with. I live on permanent sickness compensation, classified unable to work, for life, with little to no chance at improvement, due to my autism and adhd. I have the energy levels of an old cellphone that drops to 2% battery ten minutes after being fully charged every time. And I hate it. I hate that there's so much in life that I'll probably never be able to do. So disability, is already part of my life, and always has been. So why then would I want to become more disabled, instead of less? Well, yeah that is what I want...

I've faced a shit ton of ableism since childhood, and I actually think that's why I got BIID. Because my actual disability is invisible and not taken seriously in society. And I think that's what I deep down want: to just have my disability be visible and taken seriously. Physical disabilities are taken more seriously. I've even heard that straight from the mouths of people who have both mental and physical disabilities. How often have I not been called lazy for something I've been literally unable to do, just because I "look" capable? How often do I get to hear I "don't seem autistic?" How often do I get told that autism is not even a disability, but merely a personality trait and being socially awkward? How often do I get told I would be able to work if I just tried harder? All. The. Fucking. Time.

I think that's why, ever since I was a child, I've wanted to have a physical disability, which is fully visible, and cannot be ignored. And what's more visible than the face? We interact with it the most. Because I don't really want to be less capable or lose a lot of movement, I just want for my already disabled existence to be visibly disabled.

So that's a big reason for why I think I have BIID. Which is to say, I don't feel like I'm being an ass towards disabled people, because I'm already disabled to begin with, merely wishing I was more disabled and in a more visible way. Had I been abled to begin with, I think that would have been different, but even abled people with BIID don't choose to have this condition. I read a quote from a person with BIID, who got the amputation he wanted, and he said basically that he didn't know what's worse, having BIID or being disabled. I can relate to that. And I think that is the irony here, that simply having BIID is like being disabled in and of itself already.

That said, however, I do understand why disabled people would be greatly offended, angry, or otherwise insulted, by people with BIID. Honestly I cannot understand why they would not be. I'm greatly offended by people who say they wish they were autistic! And I'm offended at myself for wishing I had a facial deformity and only one eye. Why do I want this!? I keep trying to shake sense into myself. It's what's causing my shame and wishing I could just be normal. No disabilities, and no wish for disabilities I don't have. That'd be great.

There is one more aspect I also feel the need to tackle: Transabled.

BIID has recently been rather often labeled as "transabled" in the same vein as "transracial" (wanting to be another race) and transgender. As a transsexual, this comparison is of course something that I have not missed. I'm painfully aware. This is how I see it, alright: Although I do feel like my body integrity dysphoria is incredibly similar to my sex dysphoria, I feel like it would be extremely rude and tone deaf to identify as for example vision impaired, deaf or an amputee, without actually having those disabilities. And I do not know if anyone actually does this. As far as I've seen, some people with BIID may pretend to have the disability they want (like with me walking around with an eye patch despite having no medical need for it) but they don't lie about it, or they try hard to avoid ending up in a situation where they'd feel pressured to lie. So I dunno how much validity there even is in anyone with BIID genuinely identifying as transabled. But regardless of that, I think it's absolutely abhorrent to identify as disabled in ways you are not. And I'd never tell anyone that I'm missing an eye when I do not.

So, I really do not like the term "transabled" and much prefer the BIID and BID terms. I do not like BIID being conflated with being transgender, although I want to very carefully say that the two conditions are so incredibly similar, that... I think that's another big reason I ended up with both. That I've always felt a strong disconnect from my body, which has merely expressed itself in a wide array of ways, ranging from sex dysphoria to body integrity dysphoria, dissociation and even having previously identified as otherkin. I don't think that's a coincidence at all. But then what caused all of that? I don't think there is a simple answer, but a multitude of reasons, and it may even connect with my autism as well as my trauma.

So, I'd say most likely it's caused by a cocktail of neurological and social issues. I was just clearly meant to be a broken person, making the most of my life with the sucky cards I was dealt, and on good days... I guess I'm kinda okay with that. At least it's not boring. Let's end on that not super tragic note. Feel free to ask me anything, if you’ve got any questions.

#biid #body integrity dysphoria #body integrity identity disorder #finally accepting i probably have this #im not happy about it but it is what it is i guess #ok to rb #transabled #im only adding that tag bcos i know many dont know what the condition is actually called

34 notes · View notes

vampish-glamour · 3 years

Note

You know what's scary? I do understand where radfems come from... I really understand them. This whole bs that the term "female" is insulting to trans women and that even a hairy sasquatch kind of male, can call himself a woman now, without even being trans, is a fucking joke. They really push women into radfem thinking with this.

The only problem is, this hurts real trans people, that really struggle with disyphoria and won't be taken seriously anymore...

And in the end, women suffer once again, but this time it's not because of men, but because of the gender fandom.

I agree. I’ve actually been meaning to make a post about this, so I’ll just give my thoughts here.

I tend to find that radfems, on the very surface, can have good points. Examples being

The word woman has become meaningless and this isn’t okay

People think femininity = woman, and that’s harmful to women

The gender fandom is off the walls crazy

Now despite these not actually being exclusively radfem/terf beliefs… many posts about them are either made by radfems, hijacked by radfems, or assumed to be made by radfems. So it’s easy to end up in the radfem side of Tumblr after a while of searching through tags.

And it’s easy to think “yeah, this is something I can get behind”… because you may think that these points mean the following (and the posts about them probably are talking about the following as well)

Anyone can “identify” as a woman, even if they aren��t actually a woman, and this isn’t okay. (Woman = both cis and trans women)

People think that femininity = woman, which leads to women calling themselves nonbinary if they aren’t feminine enough, or trans women being made to feel like they aren’t passing if they aren’t feminine enough

MOGAI is off the walls crazy

But the radical feminists take these points to mean something else entirely, and the radical part of radfem eventually rears it’s head. Then those points turn into

The word woman has become meaningless because of the evil disgusting trans women who are invading poor cis women’s spaces!!!!

Men think that they’re women because they wear dresses!!!!!

The gender fandom is crazy and by gender fandom I mean not just MOGAI and non dysphorics, but dysphoric trans people too!!!!

And the insanity of radical feminism/terfism really shows through.

But that insanity aside, on the very surface I do understand where they’re coming from, in the sense that I can tell what it is they’re against, and what they’re misunderstanding. I can also understand what they’re angry about… and see where they blame the wrong people (dysphoric trans people).

They seem to often come from a place of thinking that MOGAI and non dysphorics speak for the entirety of trans people, so end up grouping dysphoric trans people in with the she/theys and genderfluids. They look at a genderfluid talking about “sometimes I wear boy clothes and sometimes I wear girl clothes”, and think this applies to a dysphoric trans woman… despite the two being vastly different.

They see one trans woman, often a “non dysphoric”, talking about how awful it is for lesbians to not like male genitalia (which yes, is incredibly homophobic), and then think that this applies to all trans people, despite the majority of trans people understanding that it’s okay for people to not be interested in dating trans people.

They see literal men claim to be trans women while experiencing no dysphoria, and claim that they represent all trans women. So they go on about how these men are ruining the definition of woman (and yeah, I do agree that it’s bullshit that any man can just “identify” as a woman)…but don’t seem to get that dysphoric trans women are completely separate from that issue.

They see a bunch of modern day activists claim that the word “female” is offensive to trans women, or that we need to use degrading gender neutral language like “people who bleed” and “birth givers” to be inclusive to trans people… and assume that it’s actual trans people making these arguments. When in reality, from what I’ve seen most actual trans people are against it.

After looking through radfem/terf blogs and seeing what they had to say, I came away with a solidified belief that modern day “trans activism” is actually harming trans people. Because it allows transphobes like these to form a completely false idea of what a trans person is, and base their bigotry off of that.

They generalize based on the loud majority, and unfortunately the loud majority is the “gender fandom”, while dysphoric trans people are pushed to the back. It’s very clear that radfems haven’t listened to or spoken with actual dysphoric trans people, and don’t understand what being trans actually is. Because of this, I can understand where people get these beliefs about trans people from. Because you have the loud majority claiming that “this is what being trans is!!!” While spotlighting absolute bullshit.

And that’s how they can get sucked into radfem ideology, because they start out with the sensical surface level things, and then get pulled into the more radical beliefs that end up being absolute batshittery.

So yeah, I can absolutely see where many radfems come from when it comes to gender. They have no idea what a trans person actually is, because all they’ve been exposed to is the mainstream activism. The upsetting thing is, that this leads to transphobia that hurts actual trans people in the long run.

I’m in no way trying to excuse the rampant transphobia from radfems. Many of them probably are just genuinely transphobic, and would hate trans people even if the mainstream activism wasn’t a factor.

But I do believe that for many, the mainstream activism is a tipping point. If real trans people were at the front of the activism, and making it known what being trans really is… instead of the crazies who are currently in the spotlight, I think we’d have much less people going towards transphobic ideologies, because they’d have a proper understanding of what being trans is, rather than only seeing the bullshit that is currently pushed. And they wouldn’t be in a spot that allows them to be pushed towards radfem/terf beliefs in the first place.

#I hope this makes sense?#asks #anon

46 notes · View notes

fakeloveaskblog · 3 years

Note

aw, sweet loceit in the evening sun. logan is actually super good at explaining healthy relationships and boundaries and stuff actually, i betcha he could recognize abuse no problem

…aye remy! REMY!! HAve you thought about going to that gay bar more often? who knows, maybe you'll encounter someone nice, make friends with like-minded people, hear some disco, the full nine yards. janus might be there, remus might be there. (just look around for the guy with the blue tie, he's a great guy, if he's not wearing it he'll look like he has that blue tie kinda energy! you could totally just get drunk and unload your grievances on him and i bet he won't even mind!)

(Mentions of U!Virgil but I say beforehand when that happens so those who don’t like U!Virgil can enjoy the rest of the fic up until then)

(Words: 4100)

Remy wiped away a tear while looking at your message. The cold light from their phone was the only thing brightening up the room. Virgil was sleeping beside them, his arm was laid around their waist.

"You just like tots gave me the greatest idea! I'm gonna invite Rem out to the bar! It's gonna the funnest thing like ever! Thanks girl!!"

2 days later Remus was dangerously close to eating the moss straight from the gay bar's wall. He had been left without supervision for over 15 minutes while he sat outside waiting for his friend to show up, what else was he supposed to do?!

"SSSSUUUP BABE!!!"

Remy came towards him as fast as they could. They had on a short leather skirt, a neon mesh crop top and a leather jacket over it.

They did a little turn "I just like felt a bit glamorous today!"

Remus choked on his own spit "The world must be a dark place when you aren't feeling glamorous"

"Awwww babbbe"

He sent them a big grin. He'd just put on his usual oversized dysphoria hoodie and matching oversized (:O) sweatpants.

Remus' smile disappeared in an instant as he noticed dark bruises all around Remy's neck. Shades of purple and green collided against each other.

"Ehm did a vampire come and attack you last night? Seriously are you alri-"

"JUst a reminder that it will be loud in there" Remy interrupted.

"Oh. Right!"

He fumbled around in his bag after his headphones. After putting it and a chew necklace on he did a thumbs up. Remy took off their sunglasses and leaned down so they were face to face.

Their face was so close he could feel their breathe against his lips. They put the sunglasses onto him and sent him a soft smile.

“There’s like lots of bright lights too” They explained.

Remus’ heart fluttered. He didn’t understand why “T-thanks”

They moved their arm around his shoulders as they went into the bar. It was past 12 am so some of the daytime furniture had been moved to make place for a dancefloor. There was indeed lots of neon lights flickering all around the bar and fast pop music was blasting through the speakers.

It was hard to see any details of anyone around him so Remus quickly forgot about the bruise. In this lighting it just looked like a weird choker anyway.

A guy with a see through shirt bumped into Remus. He had top surgery scars. For a moment they looked at each other in the most knowing way. The stranger looked away and continued talking with whoever he was with.

Remus whole body seemed to vibrate. There were so many butterflies in his stomach it felt like he was going to puke, in a good way.

Remy sat him down on one of the tall barstools and slumped down right next to him “So whatcha gonna drink?”

“The squashed down organs of my enemies!!!” He shrugged “Soda?”

They burst out into laughter “What? You catholic or something? Not allowed to drink alcohol?”

He slumped in on himself and started fiddling with his necklace “I-I dunno-”

“No. No babe I was just like joking. Like a stupid bitch. It’s okay” They waved at the waiter “Your most alcoholic fruit mix and your finest coca cola please!”

Remus leaned in to whisper “With salt”

“With salt? Please!”

He kept vibrating like an overexcited weasel. After getting their drinks he kept tapping the glass to stim some of the happiness out.

“Honestly I’ve never been to a gay bar before. I’m digging it. Just like how I’m digging graves”

They playfully hit his shoulder “Then I’m tots gonna try my best to make this the ultimate first gay bar experience! I can’t think of any other lil fucked up gremlin buddy I would wanna have by my side!”

"Muhahah!! I am officially assigned ultimate gremlin buddy-”

“Greetings” A voice suddenly came from behind them.

Both of them flinched away. Remy let out a short yell and Remus was close to throwing his drink in the person’s face when he saw it was just Logan.

He had on jeans and a black button up with the top button unbottoned. He had with him iced coffee from starbucks because he had to drive home later.

“LOGIE!!!” Remy threw their arms around his neck to pull him closer “Babe this is the Log-legend. Once he was like sooo drunk so when he like tried to kiss me puked on my shoes instead!”

Logan grimaced “I am still very sorry about that”

“Oh I already know him through Janus” Remus replied.

“Oh my gawd babe” Remy looked between them all “So like we all know Janny?! Wig! Sad he isn’t here then”

Remus held up his cola “Cheers to J-anus!” The other two held up their glasses in agreement.

“Cheers”

��Cheerio!”

“He is very pretty and charming and cute” Logan dreamily sighed. He stopped himself from continuing to say compliments.

“Yeah” The other two sighed back in unison.

Logan sat down on a chair next to them. Remy looked around the bar before squinting at him “No Patty?”

He instantly started looking like a Very sad seal “Sadly my wife is away on a convention with her magical girl anime fanclub this whole week. I estimated that going to the bar would make me feel less lonely”

“You have a WIFe??? Like a real one???” Remus exclaimed, his eyeballs were close to popping out from surprise.

“Yes. This may be a controversial opinion but when I marry someone I prefer them to be physically real” He replied druly.

He got a smug grin on his lips “Does she peg you?”

“She does far more than just peg me”

“Nice!” His eyes went even wider “IS That a stim toy??!”

He pointed at the tangle Logan kept between his fingers “Correct. If I do not have something to relieve my focus onto I can easily go into senso- OH a chewie?”

Remus nodded while showing of his chew necklace. The two of them started rambling about their favorite stim toy. Until they went off into special interests (star trek/astronomy and art/animal biology respectively).

Soon enough Remus was showing pictures of the animal bones he’d found. Logan ooeh and ahhed at all of them before asking the most nerdy of questions (where he’d found them, their bone density, if any damage had been done to them) which only made Rem infodump which made Lo infodump which made them both happy stim.

Meanwhile Remy sat beside them completely zoned out. They got time to drink 2 more of those fruit mixes and a few shots. The room was starting to spin.

The loud music wasn’t keeping out the yelling. They dunked their forehead against the bar table and covered their ears to try and get it out. The music was supposed to keep it out! Why was nothing working! The bruise ached. Their throat closed in on itself until they couldn’t breathe.

“Remus” They gasped out. They looked over to their friend with a desperate look in their eyes. They just needed a distraction.

“So my theory for why you keep finding bones in specifically that part of the woods is because of the kind of dirt making it take longer for them to deco-” Logan was explaining while Remus nodded along.

“Rem! L-let’s like go up and dance or something. Please”

This time it caught Remus’ attention. He looked over to them “Sure- are you feeling alright? Did you drink too much? You’re looking like a mummy”

“Yes. No. I just like- Like- They’re playing Charli xcx of course we gotta like dance!!”

“I will protect your belongings then” Logan added.

Remy stumbled up on shaky legs. Remus sent them a warm smile that made them want to cry before taking their hand. He let them lead him out to the dancefloor. Honestly he was pretty nervous about it, but being with them always made some of the anxiety melt away.

They stumbled on their own feet and fell forward. Their friend took ahold of their wrists and pulled them close to his chest. Their faces were so close to each other. So so close.

He didn’t let go. They couldn't remember him ever letting them hold him this close. Their chests pressed against each other. Their arms around his shoulders. His hands on their back.

"You’re right. It is a good song. Good to crash a car too" Remus said absentmindedly.

Remy let up into shaky giggles from how sudden he’d said it “Yeah. Yeah I guess”

They kept giggling. He chuckled back. He started spinning around on the dancefloor. They moved with him. His arms wrapped closer around their waist. Their cheek leaned against the slope of his neck (even though they had to lean down to get on his height level).

Remy quietly sang along to the music which made Remus start yelling along to it. The enby threw their head back from laughter. They took his hand and intertwined their fingers.

Remus moved his hand out and spun them around before pulling them close again. Their cheeks were flushed red, his was as well. He playfully dipped them down when the song ended.

It continued on into a song neither of them knew but they kept dancing anyway. They didn’t stay as pressed close to each other but they always had some contact. Holding hands. An arm around a waist. A head leaning against a chest.

When they finally got back to the bar table they were both panting. Remy was completely leaning on Remus since their body had started to hurt, but even through the pain they were both bubbling over with so much happiness they kept breaking out into bouts of giggling.

To their surprise Logan wasn’t sitting alone. A tall person with long dark hair sat on the chair beside him. Xir hand was on his thigh. The nerd had a soft smile on his face as they leant close to talk.

“Uh Lo?” Remus had to wave his arms around to get his attention.

His head shot around to look at them “Hello” He glanced to the person “These are the ones I was protecting belongings for” He stood up and held out his hand “Shall we?” Xir took it. Logan waved at his friends before going off to the dancefloor with the stranger.

“Huh. Good for him”

“I guess”

Remy ordered another high alcohol fruit mix. Remus happily chewed on his necklace while humming along to the music. Between their chairs their hands hang with their fingers intertwined. Holding their hand had started to make Remus feel all funny in the head for some reason.

The enby watched on as Logan and the stranger danced for a bit before moving to a corner to make out. When the stranger started to lead him towards the bar’s bathrooms Remy turned to their friend.

“Yeah okay he’s not coming back for like a while. Smoke break?”

“Of course!”

They finished their drink before leaving the bar. The pair stopped right outside. Remus sat down on the side of the pavement. Remy tried to sit down but they stumbled over themself and fell flat on the ground.

Remus got up to help “Are you okay? Are you sure you haven’t drank too much?”

“I’m fine. I’m fine” They laughed out.

He sat them down on the pavement while dusting off their clothes. He patted them on the head while pouting “You should get some water”

“Naaaah babe. I’m good”

In the moonlight the bruise was visible again. That horrible dark purple bruise around their neck. It looked like it hurt.

Remus put his hand on their shoulder “Beanie are you alright? I do know it wasn’t some halloween monster that got you that bruise”

For a moment their whole body tensed, they forced a smile “It’s fine. me and my boyf just tried like some new kinky shit in the bedroom y’know. Nothing more” They lied.

They took out a cigarette pack and a lighter from their bag. They traced their thumb over Remus’ lower lip and opened his mouth just slightly. Remy leaned closer while putting a cigerette between his lips. They lit it.

Remus took a deep breathe. It’d been a while since he’d last smoked. He leaned so close the cigarette nearly touched Remy’s skin. They parced their lips as he breathed out the smoke right into their mouth.

A smile spread on their lips. He held the cigarette over to them but they shook their head. They looked around in their bag again and took out a small poppers bottle.

“Should you really take that. Won’t your brain melt out of your ears?” Remus asked “I really don’t wanna have to slorp up your brain juice...yet”

“Relax babe. It’s like not dangerous as long as I don’t like take too much and I only take when partying” It took a moment before they quietly added “And I only party when I need to get out of the apartement”

“What?”

They forced on a bigger smile “What?”

Remy moved the popper up to their nose and inhaled as much of it as they could. It took a few seconds before they let up into a giggle. It was in a higher tone than their usual bubbly laugh, it almost sounded like cackling. They could see stars.

(U!Virgil mentions from here on out)

“Y’know my boyfriend gave me like a flashback or whatever last night” They giggled while swaying from side to side.

Remus gently grabbed their shoulders and moved them to lean against him so they wouldn’t fall over “Uhu. Did you stab him?”

“No silly. He just. He’d been soooo sweet all weeek and I just I just ruined it ‘cause i like overeacted to some joke he made while like we were washing the dishes” They were barely even aware they were speaking “And like it just kept going until we were like screaming at each other”

Remy was still smiling and giggling between every word but tears started to form in their eyes. Their fingers felt numb. Bile was rising in their throat.

“And he just like threw the plate he was holding down on the ground. And it like didn’t hit me. He wasn’t even aiming at me. He was just throwing it at the ground. But it shattered and it was so stupid and overemotional and stupid and pathetic but I just I just curled up on the floor and like had a panic attack like a stupid baby”

They smeared their hand across their face to try and get the tears away. They felt sick. Remus quickly put out his cigarette, it didn’t feel like the right time to smoke.

“And I just like- Is that normal? Is that fine? Like throwing stutff like that? I-I- he’s never done it before. Or I mean like not plates” They looked up at Remus “Is it fine?”

He gulped while fiddling with his hoodie sleeve “Well uh did he apologize?”

“Mhmm. He like- like for some minutes he like kept yelling ‘cause he thought I was just like faking a panic attack to like I dunno manipulate him but then he like comforted me and like calmed me down and like held me and cuddled all night until I fell asleep and- and he said sorry a bunch of times and like he said it would never happen again. He uh usually doesn’t lie”

“Well ehm then it should be fine right? Right?” They both shrugged at each other “I mean everyone can make mistakes! And it was during an argument! Everyone does drastic things during an arguments! So it’s fine. I think”

A shaking breathe of relief left Remy’s lips. They stretched themself over his lap and he moved his arms around them. “Thanks babe. I was like tots worried for a bit but y’know i was thinking like that too. So it’s fine”

“Yeah” He combed his fingers through their hair “You do know you can vent to me whenever right? I promise I won’t gross you out with details about how to pull out rabbit teeth ever again so if I can hold that back then I can also listen to stuff! I can super listen!!”

They closed their eyes. They felt so tired. So tired and sick and horrible. “Mhm. I know babe. I know”

Remy sent him a soft smile before suddenly puking. Some of it came on his pants but mostly on the ground. Remus stood up and carefully moved them down to a sitting position.

He rubbed up and down their back with one hand and held their hair back with his other. Their shoulders were shaking and they were taking in shallow breathes between every sudden throw up.

“It’s okay beanie-boo. Breathe. Breathe. You got all the time in the world. Until the sun blows up at least”

“I-I took- too much- too much” They slurred out before lurching forward again. It seemed to stop for now.

“I’m aware” He carefully wiped away some of the puke left around their mouth with his hoodie sleeve.

They leaned back against his chest. They closed their eyes and focused on breathing. He held them so so gently. As if they would break like glass otherwise. He pressed a kiss to the top of their head.

“There you are!” Logan said as came through the bar entrance “What a relief. I assumed you had left without me because you thought my actions were unacceptable” He noticed how pale and shaky Remy looked and got a worried look on his face “Is everything alright?”

“They feel like someone has slammed a fish into their stomach. Not good” Remus replied.

“I see. I suppose it woud be best to get them home”

Logan picked Remy up with ease to carry them to his car. He was quite sure he’d carried dogs that weighted more than them. Remus anxiously followed along.

He sat them in the passenger seat. He shook their shoulders until they opened their eyes. They let out a quiet whine.

He held up 4 fingers “Remy how many fingers am I holding up?”

“Fuck yourself”

“Noted”

They moved to the side and seemed to pass out again. Logan closed the door before turning to Remus.

“Did they take anything?” He whispered.

“Only a popper”

“Good. Do you need a ri-”

“Bus”

“Okay” Logan was about to go but stopped midstep and lowered his voice even more “Oh and Rem...Could you please not ask Janus to hang out next weekend? I am planning a surprise...I hope it will make him happy”

“Good luck comrade....Please text me once Remy is home safe. Please?”

“Of course”

He did a little nod before leaving. Logan got into the car. He couldn’t stop looking at the bruise around their neck. Remy continued to sleep for most of the ride until they they were 5 minutes or so away from their apartment. They suddenly flinched awake.

“Stop the car!” They gasped out.

“Are you still feeling the same?”

“Logan stop the fucking car!” There was fear in their eyes.

Logan stopped by the side of the road. The road was barren and dark. It had to be past 3 am at least. Remy crawled back into the backseats while their whole body shook.

“Don’t. Look. At. Me”

“Sure” He stared down into the steering wheel to not accidentally see their reflection in the glass.

“I just. I just have to change clothes. I just. I don’t want Virigl to call me a whore again. I mean. He won’t. But what if. What if he gets mad. I just. I just have to change” They slurred out.

They stumbled out of the car after changing into a pair of long pants and closing their leather jacket. A cold chill went up Logan’s spine. He quickly stepped out of the car as well.

“Okay bye bye Logie!!”

They tried to move but Logan grabbed onto their shoulders. He forced back a choking feeling in his throat “What do you mean by your boyfriend getting mad?”

“Pff! It’s nothing! I’m drunk!! Byyyeeeeee”

They started to stumble away but Logan easily followed along “It did not sound like he called you a whor-...you know what...with your consent. I am simply going to remind you that calling a partner things like that is not okay. Not in any circumstance”

Remy’s expression turned cold. They walked faster “I don’t like what you’re implying”

“I’m not implying anything”

“Yes you Fucking are!”

“Exscuse me for being worried about your wellbeing. What you just said sounded like a very bad sign”

“Yeah exactly it only SOUnded bad! My boyfriend isn’t bad!” Remy snarled out.

“I am not saying he is. He doesn’t have to be bad to say awful things, as long as he changes”

They shoved their hands into their pockets. Their hands moved into fists “You don’t know a fucking thing about me. You tried to kiss me once when you were drunk and that’s all. We don’t know each other”

Logan took a deep breathe “I don’t need to know you to see red flags. Remy-” He searched for words “Remy you’re bruised. How- you can’t expect me to not get worried”

Remy suddenly stopped and turned around to meet his eyes. “MY BOYFRIEND ISN’T ABUSIVE! I-”

“I’m not necessarily saying he is. I just wan’t to talk-” His voice started to sound desperate.

They looked like a cornered animal. Tears were brimming at the edges of their eyes “YOU DON’T KNOW A THING!”

“Remy-”

“I DID THIS TO MYSELF!” Their hand went up to the bruise “I DESERVED IT! VIRGIL DIDN’T DO A FUCKING THING! I DID! I TOOK A BELT AND HURT MYSELF! OKAY?! VIRGIL CARES ABOUT ME!”

He tried to sound soothing “Remy please take a deep breathe-”

“NO! NO! YOU KNOW WHAT LOGAN?! THERE IS STILL CUM ON YOUR FUCKING LIPS FROM YOU SUCKING OFF SOME STRANGER IN A DIRTY BATHROOM! SO NO! I AM NOT TAKING LOVE ADVICE FROM SOMEONE WHO IS CHEATING ON HIS GODDAMN WIFE!”

They stormed away. For a moment Logan was frozen in place before he forced himself to run after them to try and make sure they would be okay.

“I am not-”

Remy looked at him for one last time. The look in their eyes made him feel cold. It was pure hatred.

“Logan get the fuck away from me! I am drunk and high and alone on a street with no one but you who is sure as hell fucking stronger than me and all you’re doing is spouting bullshit! So please get why I want you to leave. And why I don’t ever want you to talk to me again!”

He stopped dead in his tracks “...Right....Yes....I am so sorry”

Remy didn’t even respond. They simply turned and walked away. Logan stayed and watched to make sure they got home to the apartment safe before going back to his car.

He slumped down in the seat. His heart was racing and his thoughts were for once an illogical flurry. He sat motionless for several minutes before finally getting some semblence of an idea.

He took out his phone and dialed one of his usual numbers. It took several signals before Emile Picani picked up.

“Mhm? Logie bear? I can’t today I have clients in the morning” He yawned out.

“This is about one of your patients. I am fearing that they are in danger”

In an instant all of the sleepyness in Emile’s voice disappeared “In danger? Physical? Is it urgent? Do I need to call someone? Which patient are you even referring to?”

Logan hesitated. If Remy had reacted that strongly to him just attempting to ask about his boyfriend it was very likely that they would stop going to therapy if Emile brought it up. His throat tightened, he didn’t want to put them in any more danger.

“I....Nevermind Emile....This was just a far too gone joke...Someone dared me to call you. I am sorry. Have a good night”

He ended the call. He leaned his forehead against the steering wheel and let out a long sigh. His hands held onto the wheel so hard his knuckles whitened.

Logan had no idea what to do. No idea at all. All he knew was fear. Fear for Remy’s safety. Fear for their well being. Fear that anything he did would only make their situation worse.

#mini fic #remus sanders #logan sanders #remy sanders #sanders sides #remsleep #resleep #rem^2 #these sure keep getting longer huh #its past 4 am #fun

14 notes · View notes

t4t-lumpygrab · 2 years

Note

LSP for the character headcanons, please!! :o)

LSP!! MY BELOVED!! thank you for sending this ty so much... LSP... blorba from my shows.

-I think that I hc her to have a difficult relationship with her parents… semi cannon but not really bc the writers retconned her parents to go from being very abrasive and yelling at her to being super nice and concerned for her. I feel a bit :/ about removing LSP having a compelling reason for running away from home, as it feeds into her wider characterisation as a character who shouldn’t be taken seriously by making a huge part of her character (her living situation) into a joke about the capricious nature of teenage girls that she’d run away and be over dramatic for no reason, in favour of a compelling character arc about the effects of living in a household she suffers in. (In contrast, Marceline’s issues with her family are presented with humour, but also as genuine traumas. Like the fry song takes a similar overreaction joke and turns it into a deeper expression of her father’s lack of attention and love for her.)

So I kind of imagine that her parents were quite controlling of her self expression and criticised her a lot. I think LSP’s exaggerated confidence and the callous way she treats people makes sense if she had this sort of upbringing. Like she pretends she’s better than she feels she is as a coping mechanism to make it harder to insult and hurt her, and she treats people cruelly because she’s been made to feel like she doesn’t really matter so her actions don’t really have an affect on people. That and she has massive social deficit from being in a household where she doesn't get to express herself or interact normally with her parents.

-I have a lot of thoughts on trans LSP. I think that LSP realised she was trans around 13 or so bc of dysphoria due to puberty, but that she spent age 12 dealing with very rough identity issues. I can see her really throwing herself into trying to be a boy and like… forcing herself to date Melissa when she really wants to BE her and just feeling awful about it all. I think she ided as gay initially and definitely took all the "am I gay?" "am I trans?" online quizzes and lied on all the questions to get "you are cishet" as an answer.

-I think LSP… is a furry. Like she gives off that “roleplayed warrior cats one too many times” vibe. (also lol the lsp birthing stick picture I'm obsessed) Has one of those 2000s sparkle wolf ocs. Would 100% wear those lil fursuit paw things if she could get some that fit her hands.

-we are going deep into Charlie LSP daydream universe but I like to think she and Lg2 were online friends for a bit when she was 14 bc they both posted terrible quality vent fanart in whatever the Ooo equivalent of Deviantart is. Lg2 would occasionally drop v worrying things about their family situation in the middle of their my little pony discussion or whatever, and LSP would be 14 and not know how to respond beyond “ZOMG CANNIBALISM!! o.O” or something like that. She figures out years later after being with lg3 that this was in fact lg2 and feels very sad about it, and wishes she had done more to help them somehow.

-more trans LSP headcannons. So… I like to thing that lumpy people do have sexual dimorphisms that we don’t pick up on bc simplified art style. And that’s part of the reason why LSP prefers to live in Ooo, where people don’t know about her species so she’s not immediately recognisable as a trans girl. Specifically… her voice is deeper than Melissa’s and she has bigger hands, also the thickness of her fur and size plus sharpness of her teeth is bc trans. Plus we see that her dad has facial hair a different colour to his fur, so she has to deal with that too. Plus Melissa has white coloured eyes, as does her mother in her original appearance while Brad and her dad have black eyes, so having inverted sclera is another amab trait among lumpy people. She’s pretty upset about all this, especially her eyes and hands which can’t ever be changed.

#lsp #lumpy space princess #fan theory #that was my old tag I used for this stuff lol #ANYWAY LAALSSSAPP #trans tag #DO I HAVE A TRANS TAG??? I DON'T REMEBER #I should #ask to tag

5 notes · View notes

kamuisthoughts · 3 years

Text

The Actual Rant:

I’m going to begin by saying that I think the ABO dynamic is interesting.

That being said I’ve noticed some recurring and very disturbing themes that are attached to this type of AU, regardless of what fandom you’re reading in. It makes sense to me that a universe where people have secondary genders and are more susceptible to animalistic instincts would have different types of societal issues. This being the disturbing themes I mentioned. The disregard of rape, the gender oppression, the objectification of certain genders, and various forms of dysphoria.

Obviously these themes are extremely dark and unsettling, but what’s worse is how the people that take it upon themselves to write about these things romanticize these horrific issues. Using them as a tool to build a parallel world that would cause the reader to think or reflect on our own society is one thing. That’s what I would like to read. But instead I come across these ABO AUs and find authors downplaying these abominable problems, making it seem as if it’s okay to have these sorts of things happening.

If you tell me beforehand what you intend to do okay, I can just avoid that.

But anyway there’s a difference between building a world with dark elements like these and presenting it as something that is truly disgraceful, but many people in the world do not care or fear fighting against it, and creating a world where it’s obvious that the writer is fetishizing these elements. You can completely change the tone of something depending on how issues are presented, how the characters react to their circumstances.

I hate to see rape happen in a story. I honestly feel it’s the most unforgivable, egregious thing you could do to a person beside murdering them. It’s a form of torture, and I honestly believe this, so it turns my stomach to see people writing stories where characters go through this awful thing, sometimes repeatedly and it’s not accurately addressed. There’s rarely lasting trauma if any. They just kind of take it, they don’t fight, they might even accept it just because the character doing it to them is objectively attractive and that is nauseating to me.

I also hate to see kidnappings and forced marriages in this type of AU, where the author tells you the main character is a “BAMF” or “Strong” individual but this is never actually displayed. Not mentally which I often respect to see in characters and not even hinted at physically either. They’ll maybe have a sassy mouth but still won’t really do anything when their abuser is hurting them. And this is usually moot since the main character oftentimes just simpers for their alpha abuser in the end. They’ll either be too scared to continue to mouth off or be too enamored by the alpha’s physical appearance and scent.

I also noticed Stockholm Syndrome is really common in these stories as well, (should the author actually deign to touch upon the immense trauma rape would cause a person), despite how rare this condition is in reality. This I find maddening. Now, I understand sometimes reality is so painful that someone needs to escape it through delusion so that they can function somewhat coherently. But the fact that there are so many stories where a character is kidnapped, ripped from their life, forced to mate with someone who doesn’t respect them as a fellow human being, raped, forcefully impregnated, and then somehow still falls in love with their abuser is utterly repulsive.

And the thing that really upsets me is the fact that I deliberately exclude tags in my search that denote rape/non-con, underaged, and major character death yet still I come across stories where these things are mentioned. Are happening. They’ll be in the story but not in a story’s tags and just glossed over. I’m not sure if this is deliberate or if some of the writers just don’t understand the magnitude of the themes they’re pushing but regardless I find this unacceptable.

If someone says no and you stick your penis inside of them anyway, that is rape. If you lull them into a false sense of security due to pheromones after they’ve said no and have sex with them, that is rape. If they give up fighting because they know it’s hopeless it’s still rape. I don’t care how physically desirable you are, or how good you smell, or if you feel it’s your “right” to take the other person because you managed to pin them down and you’re stronger. They said no, and even if they didn’t say “no” they didn't say yes .

If someone didn’t say they accepted your advances, that is not dubious consent. That. Is. Rape . And women can be rapists too. Let’s stop pretending that’s not a thing and that it’s not just as bad no matter what gender the attacker is. Can we not try to sugarcoat the horrible things people are writing about and call it “dubious” so people can feel better about romanticizing sexual abuse and getting off on it? Because even if you don’t call a spade a spade it’s still a damn spade.

Now let’s talk about fetishes. I hate when male characters are forcefully feminized when they don’t want to be. Like seriously, a male omega in this type of ABO story could literally say, “I’m a man, don’t call me a wife or a mother” and the other characters will just brush it off, they won’t even address it. They’ll continue to label him incorrectly, continue to treat him in ways that make him uncomfortable, and eventually he’ll just stop getting upset or annoyed and go along with it. This is NOT okay. This happens when a writer likes writing about feminine men.

There’s nothing wrong with a feminine man, that’s not what I’m saying. What’s wrong is when a man is overly sexualized because of his physical appearance and incorrectly labeled by others despite him stating what he identifies as. If you want to write about a gender fluid male omega, do that! Do not write about a male omega who identifies as male and call him a wife just because he can give birth. He is still a husband. He is a man and the other characters should be respecting that.

Then we have the fetishizing of birth or breeding in these AUs. This element of this AU has always been so creepy to me. (And I’m talking about FORCED breeding. Edit added because I didn’t specify this at first).

Omegas in these AUs are seen as the lowest of the low because they have heats, are softhearted, physically weaker, and motherly. Yet despite being chained to the bottom of the societal hierarchy they are objectified by other secondary genders. They are desired just enough for alphas and betas to want to breed with but they aren’t worth equal rights such as choosing their own “mate”, their job, or even walking down the street without fear of being forcefully mounted.

Seldom do I see this issue actually portrayed as an issue. The omegas in the story bat their eyelashes at alphas, and even manipulate them because they know that they are objectified. They aim to get claimed by “strong” and “virile” alphas and to have “beautiful pups”. Like, what?

But okay, I can see that.

You live a certain way you can get used to almost anything, but the fact that it’s rarely more than the main character who wants for more is astounding to me. I guess this is a writer’s way of hammering home how different and “before their time” they want their main character to be but it just comes off as forced, and the main character becomes a novelty. Alphas just want the main even more because they want to break them so they can force them into the role of a “good little omega”.

It angers me to see this type of world building with no consequences. There’s no simmering rage at the lack of justice and equality, there’s no conflict. It’s just, “omegas are cute and sexy and they smell nice”. This just makes all of the characters seem like morally bankrupt sex addicts who’re all some form of insane and I can’t stand it. But I’ll digress.

The true reason I decided to write this rant?

A story.

Yes, I came across a story and for some reason despite the harmless looking tags and my knowledge of how misleading this AU can be I clicked on it. I just wanted to see if I was being too harsh on the ABO AU, if someone could write a story in this type of universe that I could actually bear to read that wasn’t extremely hard to find. (Most of the fics in this AU I come across are the really dark ones).

So, I tried to read an ABO AU for MHA, and I'll tell you now I couldn’t even get beyond the fourth chapter. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Izuku was of course a rare male omega, born in a fantasy world where All Might bestowed upon him the powerful magic of One For All and then dipped. Of course despite having this power Izuku was still a weakling, even though the author tried to say he was strong willed and “unlike most omegas”.

Izuku had to hide his secondary gender. He lived as a quirkless beta with his mother. One day he stumbled across Katsuki, who declared Izuku his “true mate”. Despite Izuku saying he didn’t want to mate with him, Izuku was abducted and forced to be with him simply because it was what Katsuki wanted.

Izuku repeatedly said he didn’t want to be there, that he didn't want to be with this literal stranger, and that he didn’t have any desire to be a baby factory for him but was of course ignored. Long story short Katsuki got his way and Izuku eventually was down with it. Because Katsuki was handsome, well built, and smelled nice Izuku didn’t even bother to stay angry at the injustice of his own situation.

This is one of the many stories in this type of AU I personally find problematic. I don’t care if people write these fics, I just wish they were more responsible about it.

I’ve seen stories where alphas threaten to kill an omega’s family or the omega themselves to force them to mate with them, and are forced to comply. Instead of acknowledging how horrible this is the other characters just sort of treat it like the omega is misbehaving and that they’re cute for being “annoyed”. Like, what? Literally what the fuck. And this is sometimes never brought up again.

Alphas could burn down a whole village, slaughter everyone and take the omegas as sex slaves and still in certain stories this could be romanticized. I can’t get with that. Especially not when the victims aren’t even upset for more than a few days. What the heck!? That was your family!

But what really makes me uncomfortable? When an author makes sure the reader is aware of the fact that an abuser is extremely physically attractive so that people will be less inclined to be disgusted by their atrocious behavior and mentality.

I get it.

Sometimes the inevitable fall is due to true mates and all that. But at the same time, that is absolute bullshit. I wouldn’t give a damn if you were Jesus Christ himself, if you threaten to kill my family, or me, DO these things, disregard my feelings because of what you want and what you have to gain I am not giving you the time of day. Or at the very least if I have no choice I’m gonna utterly despise the person harming me. Come on!

True mates/Soulmates could be so freaking cute. It HAS been. I’ve seen it. There’s good fics out there, I just wish there was more of a selection where certain tropes are implemented in a way that isn’t toxic.

I don’t care how objectively attractive someone appears. I don’t care what “fate” says or what “instincts” denote. What reason do some of these characters have to love their abusers? Let alone be attracted to them? Especially if they never get a heartfelt apology and the alpha doesn’t bother to change significantly to be a tolerable human being. But okay, ABO instincts. Lack of control. I know, okay? But come on, can we switch it up a bit?

Out of morbid curiosity, sometimes when I come across stories I just can’t read because the Non-con is there but it’s not portrayed as traumatic and the author doesn’t even TELL you it’s in there... out of some masochistic need to punish myself I scroll down to read some of the comments and no one, I mean no one addresses how skewed and warped the themes in these stories are. The readers eat it up. And it’s honestly sickening.

But you know what? That’s kind of a lie. Some people do complain but they’re usually just straight up hateful flames and I don’t support those. I wish people could be more constructive when commenting on people’s work.

But anyway, since it was the MHA ABO AU fic that set me off I’ll just continue to use Izuku and Katsuki as examples for my griping. With Izuku as the omega and Katsuki as the alpha.

Many fanfic writers set up their worlds as a means to impregnate Izuku. That’s what I believe. Not ALL fanfic writers that write about this AU do this. SOME of them do! And I’m not saying this is always problematic, but it is when they put certain elements together because they want to write about BakuDeku in a sexual form and don’t bother to note how dark the story elements they’re implementing actually are.

I’m not sure if this is because some of them don’t understand how serious and damaging these things are and can be (rape/sexual coercion/forced pregnancy) or if they just don’t care and find them cute and sexy.

Either way, the things some authors have alpha Katsuki pulling on Izuku are wrong and downright perverted.

Now, I’m not opposed to smut. Sometimes I read stories with smut, that doesn’t bother me. Sex is a natural thing and people do it to show how much they like someone, or even just because it feels good. Whatever, that’s fine. But putting two characters together and saying “this is how it is because fate and forget gradually becoming attracted because I want that sexual tension now!” is something I find greatly unsettling.

If I could see this idea displayed differently maybe I could be equally disturbed, but could grow to accept Izuku and Katsuki (or whoever are the focus of the story) as a pair. Why? Because if the things the alpha is doing are horrible they should be acknowledged as horrible.

A lot of stories could be more interesting to me if the author wrote the things I mentioned above as they actually are, despicable. Instead things a lot of the times are sugar coated, treated as a joke, or downright wrongfully sexualized. Sometimes all three at once! A lot of these fics could have been something I could stomach if treated soundly. Say, Katsuki for example decided Izuku belonged to him and he forcefully mated with him, not allowing Izuku to be with anyone else without serious backlash. If he began to realize that his outlook on life was entitled and morally bankrupt I could totally get with that!

The author in this fake scenario could take the steps to better Katsuki as a person. Izuku of course should rightfully hate this man but could grudgingly begin to see and acknowledge Katsuki trying to change for the better. Then when Izuku manages to let go of his anger for his own sake, (not Katsuki’s) I could probably accept him beginning to notice Katsuki romantically. NOT sexually.

Now if Izuku just has to notice Katsuki’s physical body from the beginning and finds him irresistible because you know, ABO AU instincts and all that jazz—but hated this about himself, the juxtaposition of physical desire but mental and emotional disdain could be fascinating, engaging. It would make Izuku seem more like a person in these stories and less like the idea of a mentally strong omega. (Again, not saying all ABO fics lack good storytelling or compelling characters or any of that).

I could accept this eventual forgiveness and romance scenario because it could be amazing storytelling wise. Allowing the reader to experience a range of emotions due to world building, characterization, character growth, and plot line.

But anyway, I’m not trying to bash the specific story I used as an example above. I realize a lot of people love it and a lot of my language was crude and even rude but I just felt the need to express exactly what I was feeling, and above is what I felt. (I had to cut some things because it was way too obvious which fanfiction set me off and that’s not what I wanted. Didn’t want to throw shade, just wanted to prove a point).

If people want to read those types of stories that’s fine, at least they’re not going out into the world and doing what they’re reading about. Or at least I hope that’s the case.

But anyway, if people are going to read these types of things I think the reality of the content should be aptly acknowledged. No rose colored glasses, because that just makes it so wrong. And no, I’m not talking about being partial to any kind of kinks. I’m talking about a type of ABO fic that is problematic for me. I wrote a whole damn rant, if you can’t glean what I’m saying here I freaking give up.

But more presently, I guess it really comes down to what you prefer. Other people like things that come off as more sensual and carefree.

Personally I make it a point not to read those types of fanfictions because it’s just not my preference. I prefer to read things with dark world building with what I perceive as realistic consequences and real justice. Or maybe just downright cold blooded revenge sometimes. That’s nice too. Everyone is different, and I think I’ve just become frustrated because I’m not finding many stories like that in this AU.

That being said I’ve decided to write a story that I could read. A few, actually. You know what they say, “if you don’t do it, nobody else will”.

#ranting #I’m butthurt #read the whole thing #Kamui’s ABO Rant #my hero academia fanfiction #Problematic Portrayals of Trauma Complaint

35 notes · View notes