#she did so much and to now have her leave.. it's just getting worse and worse

[railingsofsorrow]

death and all of its friends

[spencer reid x reader]

summary: you have an important witness admitted to Grey Sloan Hospital, but things get out of hand in the middle of your questioning. the unsub is on the loose and your team is still on their way. it's the worst that could happen, right? except that you end up stuck in an elevator with your ex. and that is worse. ( slight crossover between GA and CM ) 

pairing: s.reid x f!bau!reader; past!jackson avery x f!bau!reader 

w.c: 5.8K

warnings/content: heavy discussions about trauma regarding a mass shooting; PTSD; the word kill/murder is there a few times; kidnapping; break-ups; heartbreak; anxiety attack; hospitals; claustrophobia; mentions of surgery and blood and gunshot wound (not really graphic); minor character death (mentioned); there is so much drama in this you might call it unnecessary but I just had to unleash the devil in me; suggestive content (near the end); making out; long paragraphs in italics are flashbacks.

a/n: ok ok, like I promised (3000 years ago) here it is. enjoy it and please let me know if I forgot to tag anyone! 

navi

masterpost

cm masterlist

━━━━━━━━━ 

Five years ago you walked these same halls running from a mass shooter that entered Seattle Grace and caused havoc. Now, instead of Seattle Grace is Grey Sloan and apparently, not only the name of the hospital has changed. Amongst the Attendings, Residents and Interns there were all new faces, which only made sense since it's been five years and some of the people you knew had left and others died. 

Cristina Yang nicknamed the hospital Seattle Grace Mercy Death once and after all the stories you've been told by your ex-boyfriend's friends, it seemed fitting.  

You liked Cristina's dark humor. She was the funniest person you met in your time in Seattle. You were happy to hear she left to be a cardiothoracic surgeon in Switzerland, and she owned a hospital now, which was great.  

As you passed the cafeteria your head was flooded with memories of Lexi pulling you to have lunch with her after she finished a procedure, her excited rambles about every detail inside an OR — she wasn't Lexopedia for nothing — and the juicy gossip she provided you about the relationships inside this hospital (and her relationship with Mark Sloan). 

You might not have worked with these people but they felt like family once, the missing will always be there.  

Nostalgia had to be left aside for your job though, you had to find an important witness in a case involving the kidnapping of a six-year-old boy. He had been missing for three days, you were running against the clock at this point.  

“Miss Howard's room.” The nurse pointed you towards the room and you thanked her with a polite smile. “She's been sedated, so she may not be totally aware of her surroundings yet. She just got out of surgery.”  

“Alright, thank you.” 

Stab wound to the chest. An argument turned ugly in prison. You recalled Penelope telling you and the team that that was the reason she had been hospitalised. You observed the handcuffs locking her wrist against the bed before approaching.  

Your phone vibrated in your pocket and you grabbed it to see a text from JJ.  

Is she awake? 

Yes.  

You pressed send and looked up at wiped-out blue eyes staring back at you with annoyance. You could hear what she was about to say already.  

“I answered all of y'all's questions already, can you people never leave me alone?” 

“Miss Howard, I'm with the FBI,” you started, introducing your name and then, proceeding to the hard part.  

The crease between her brows told you she was unaware of why you were there. “You people locked me up three years ago what is there to do now? Checking up if I'm killing any more disgusting men who deserved it?” 

“Martha, it's about your son, Ben Howard.” The way she immediately froze made your heart clench. Why did it have to be you to give her the news? JJ is way better at doing this, you have no idea of comforting people so you'd rather just not do it. “He's been kidnapped by your husband, Thomas Howard.”  

“Ex-husband.” She tried sitting up with difficulty while being handcuffed to the bed. You helped her. “What— No. Ben visited me with my sister three days ago, he's fine. He wouldn't dare touch my boy.” 

Ten minutes later into your questioning, your back pocket started to vibrate and you pulled it out to see who it was. 

Spencer calling. . .  

“Everything you said is very helpful, Miss Howard, we're going to try everything we can to find Ben.” 

“Please do.” Her voice cracked and you saw the mask of indifference crumble a little. “He's— he's all I got.” 

You nodded, then excused yourself to answer the call outside of the room.  

“Hey, I was just about to update you guys—” 

“He's in Grey Sloan.” Spencer blurted out the first second you answered. “Thomas Howard is in Grey Sloan. Where are you?”  

“What— What about the kid? Did you find him?” You quickly informed the two police officers outside the room to not let anyone else in. “You don't mean he's inside Grey Sloan, right?” 

Hotch's voice rang through the line and you knew you were on speaker. “He's going after Martha. We found Ben, he was unarmed but Thomas's endgame is Martha. And yes, he's inside the hospital at this moment. Do you know where Martha is?” 

“I just talked to her,” you turned your neck to glimpse at her room again subconsciously. “There are two officers outside her room, I already told them. But Hotch—” 

“He's armed, wait for backup.” 

“We profiled him as a psychopath, Hotch. He's impulsive and has no remorse or guilt, you know what he's capable of, especially if he let the boy go.” 

“Kid, don't be reckless yourself. We're almost there—” Rossi tried to intervene. 

“We're almost there.” You heard Spencer's voice and that made you hesitate for a second before hanging up. “Please don't—” 

Your heart was thumping hard and rapidly against your ribcage, you could hear your heartbeat in your ears. As soon as you felt numbness in your fingers you clenched your hand into fists and let go, this was the way your body warned you you were about to have an anxiety attack. Thankfully, you were able to notice it before it got to the point where you passed out.  

Your name was called from afar and you halted, bumping into a nurse and mumbling a shaky sorry. The owner of the voice touched your elbow and you flinched, hand immediately searching for your gun. 

“Hey, whoa, it's me, Amelia. I didn't mean to scare you but when I saw it was you I just— it's been five years and you're here!” You withdrew your hand from the holster on your hip, inhaling and exhaling slowly to force your heart to calm the fuck down, you are not in imminent danger. 

“Amy,” you smiled and accepted the hug she was eager to give you. “Hi. How are you?” 

“I'm great, yeah. And you? For how long are you staying?” 

“I'm not. I, uh, I'm here on a case, with the FBI.” You cleared your throat. “Actually, I need your help with something.” 

Fifteen minutes later you had already warned most of the staff and Attendings in two floors to keep an eye out for Thomas Howard. You tried slowing your fast pulse by practicing the guided breathing you learned in therapy all those years ago. You did everything your therapist said, every single step from questioning your thoughts to counting everything blue you found in your way.  

You couldn't stop memories from revisiting your brain. 

━━━━━━━━━ 

You were waiting to have lunch with him.

It was almost one in the afternoon, Jackson was late because of a surgery that was taking longer than expected due to complications.  

It was your day off. One of the rare days you'd appear in Seattle Grace Mercy West before 6 p.m. when your classes at Washington University were over. You were a part of the Psychology department at WU, and a professor for the Undergraduate Program of B.S., Psychology.  

It wasn't usual for you to have a day off but given the amount of days you've been accumulating over the year, it was only fair.  

So you visited your boyfriend in the hospital, patiently waiting for his belated surgery to end so you could have your lunch date. That was until Lexi Gray pulled you into the hospital's cafeteria and you ended up having lunch with her.  

Lexi.  

You remember her terrified face when it happened. It had been a terrifying day, one that no one expected. It's funny how tragedies are never announced, isn't it? They just come barging in and you can't just ignore the door, tragedies do not need to knock.  

It was in that day, that you understood the gravity of that.  

Of course, it wasn't as nearly as bad for you as it was for those who worked at that place. They would have to come back every day and see the walls and that same floor which were smeared with their friends' blood.  

Jackson had lost two of his best friends. He spent two months having nightmares screaming their names during the night and getting mad at himself because you weren't able to sleep. That was the least of your concerns back then. You know something that would forever be etched into your brain was the barrel of a gun being pointed at you and the sound of the safety being taken off. You can't even recall the actual shot, only the pain that followed afterward and Jackson's horrified expression as he held your weak body on the floor.  

You thought you died. Jackson thought you died. Meredith, Lexi, Cristina and everyone else thought you died. In reality, you had just passed out from blood loss caused by a bullet wound to your chest area.  

That must have been terrifying to watch. You couldn't imagine being in his place, you probably would've been crying non-stop at the amount of blood, not saving his life, like he did to you.  

During the recovery process, you remember thinking about the absurdity of your dream of becoming an FBI Agent. If you weren't able to control your emotions on situations like that then what's even the point of anything? 

According to your therapist, what you suffered didn't determine the person you were, which, at first, you judged as complete bullshit. But you understood in later sessions what she meant by that.  

“Is it something you think you are not capable of doing?” 

You looked up from your hands, staring into the gray eyes of Isobel Houston. Jackson had made a compelling deal with you. He basically threw in your face that if he, who was threatened with a gun, was doing therapy, you, who had been shot and almost died in his arms, also had to talk about it.  

And here you were. 

“I'm not sure if I would know how.” You replied, brows twitching with your uncertainty. You were discussing about holding a gun and going out into the field, which was required in the training at the FBI Academy. You told her if you freaked out at the sight of blood then you shouldn't follow through with your decision to become an FBI Agent. 

“Well, that's what training is for, isn't it?” Isobel quirked a brow at you, earning a scoff. “You would learn certain abilities and improve the ones you already have in the academy. They wouldn't expect you to know everything.” 

“I'm not sure if I can.”  

Isobel nodded and wrote something down in the notepad you were planning to steal to see how she was making fun of you in there. 

“It is too soon still. But don't rule out your dream career quite yet. You are healing, it's a process that requires patience, both from you and from others around you. You don't have to think about that now. How about you take some time to yourself, focus on healing, getting better first?” 

A year later you would be forever thankful for those words. Because you didn't give up of your dream career, you made the decision to follow through with it and it worked.  

Partially, at least. 

“What do you mean you were accepted?” Jackson put his fork down as he chewed on his salad, tilting his head in confusion at you. “How can you be accepted somewhere if you didn't even apply to it?” The amusement in his tone instantly died as soon as he saw your serious face across from him. He connected the dots. “But you did apply... didn't you?” 

"Jack, I've always wanted this." 

He offers you a look of disbelief. 

"I know! But- You didn't even talk to me and-" 

"That's my decision." You cut him off.  

"Well, yes, but I'm your boyfriend. I think I deserved to know you were thinking about leaving for four months?" 

It caused a rift in your and Jackson's relationship. Back then, you didn't mind the fact that you were kind of doing things on your own, because your only goal was to leave and maybe, just maybe, forget what happened but the scar you had in your chest had to remind you of it. You never told him that, and you blamed him for not wanting you to leave for four months. Selfish; that was what you called him countless times after you broke up before you left. When, in reality, you had been the selfish one in the relationship.  

Truth be told, you wanted to forget that part of your life. Your completely foolish mistake and how wrong you were. Your healing had taken years and it still wasn't perfect, you weren't unflinching to the threat of an armed man. Right now, you wanted nothing more than to go back to Virginia and crawl into your blankets to feel some sort of safety.  

You had to bring safety to these people when you felt lost and cornered, how fun was that? You felt like such a failure. Years of experience and training going down the drain because of a stupid trauma.  

To add to that, you were currently stuck in an elevator. With a reckless man going after your witness. And your team was close to your location but not quite enough.  

Maybe they were already here since you had no reception and no way of knowing about their whereabouts.  

Maybe they already caught Thomas Howard and Hotch was thinking about his careful words as he fired you for your incompetency. 

“Why is it that when I find you you're always leaving?” 

Right. You got stuck in an elevator with your ex of all people. It was like everything you did not want to happen would materialize in front of you. 

“Jackson," you hissed, rubbing a hand across your face in pure frustration because of the useless phone in your hands. None of the messages were sent. Where were they? How was Martha? 

Hey, Spence. Where are you? 

I'm stuck in an elevator, fourth floor. I don't know what happened.  

You sent those fifteen minutes ago.

“It was just a comment,” Jackson said, shrugging in that infuriating way as if he knew he was right about something. You also knew Jackson Avery's way of deviating from his real problems was to seek anger. And usually, someone was the target. This time, it was you. "What are you doing here?" 

You looked down at your bulletproof vest and glanced up at him. Jackson's brows rose up to his hairline in understanding. God, he could be slow sometimes. 

"You're with the FBI." 

"I am the FBI." 

Jackson blinked, "right. Right. Uh, I- Sorry, I-" his apologetic wince made you relax your shoulders. "I'm sorry, I'm just... This is too familiar." Yeah, you could relate to that. 

"Jackson," your eyes softened but you tried to reassure him as much as you were able to. "This is not the same thing. His reasoning is completely different. What happened then- It won't happen again."  

His bright green eyes study you with a newfound curiosity but you could see some of the tension leave his body.  

"You sound sure." 

"I am," you said. "My team is close by and they're good. Besides, all of the local cops probably asked for backup already. And SWAT is right outside." 

He took a long minute staring you down to nod quietly. The silence that came afterward was uncomfortable. There was so much to say and nothing and the same time. This wasn't the time, but it was inevitable to not think about your last words to each other. You didn't hold a grudge against Jackson, you had no reason to, but he had plenty to do it and you wouldn't blame him. 

Fuck, why was this elevator so hot? Why were the walls so close to one another? 

"I saw you on TV once."  

You swallowed hard, feeling your throat closing up. Your attention drifted towards Jackson's whitecoat.  

"I didn't know being in the FBI made you famous." His attempt at joking had you scoffing despite your current state of mind. "I would've made a career exchange if I knew." 

"You were already rich, why do you need to be famous?" You mumbled with your eyes shut as you tried to calm your erratic breathing down. "Actually, you were already famous and rich, so anything you just said is..." your voice failed. "… complete bullshit." 

He said your name twice and you were obligated to open your eyes. He was much closer and concern tugged his lips downwards.  

"Put a hand on your chest and tell me what you can see." You stared at his lips moving slowly as your vision blurred slightly. He said your name more urgently this time. "Put a hand on your chest and tell me what you see." 

"Your stethoscope," you said as you stared at it, clearing your throat. "F-flyers," you croaked out, glancing briefly above his shoulders to the flyers splattered around. You couldn't see what they were about, but you knew they were there as they had been since the first time you stepped inside this elevator years ago. 

"What can you feel?" 

Your fingers drummed against your ribcage. Your breathing slowing down but not quite there yet. "My heartbeat. Mhm... The-my cold necklace." It was always two things. You thought about one and as you searched for another, you would calm down through the process.  

You could feel the warmth of his hands on your arms, helping grounding you back to earth.  

"Good. Two things you can hear." He was way relieved after your voice stopped shaking.  

"Your voice," you uttered, feeling your fingers moving and the sweat dripping down your back. The anxiety diminished little by little. When you were about to say the next thing you could hear, what you could only describe as two loud shots right outside the elevator doors made the both of you flinch and stare at the metal doors with widened eyes.  

You immediately got into action, thankfully prioritizing being numb over any other emotion at that moment, which was what you should have done from the start.  

"What are you doing?" Jackson asked you confusedly as you tried prying the doors open. "We might not be entirely on the floor-" 

"Help me open this, Jackson and I'll figure it out from there." 

Just then, your phone came back to life. Reception. At the same time, the doors opened without any human force. You didn't have time to see the caller ID before your gun was drawn in front of you and Jackson, ready to fire.  

"Hey, hey, it's me!" The voice you've been craving to hear for half an hour called out your name in front of you. Honey-brown, you thought, locking eyes with Spencer, I can see honey-brown eyes too. "I just got your text, I was looking for you- Hey." He breathed out in your ear as you threw your arms around his neck. His arms squeezed you in comfort. "Are you okay?" 

I am now. 

Your head bobbed up and down as you leaned back to get some distance. PDA wasn't your forte, but you had been triggered just a few minutes ago, and you needed some comfort from the only person who would effectively provide it to you.  

“They got him. He was hidden in one of the on-call rooms on the third floor.” Spencer filled you in before you could ask. He was assessing you thoroughly, looking for any strand of hair out of place, something that would tell him you had gotten hurt.  

You placed a hand on his chest, patting it gently. “I'm okay,” you tried reassuring him, eyes traveling through the room until you found some of your coworkers talking with the local police.  

“You should drink water.” Jackson's voice startled you a bit and Spencer looked behind you curiously. “And sit down.” 

And that comment immediately canceled out Spencer's certainty that you were okay. 

“Oh, I'm fine.”  

“Anxiety attack.” Jackson mouthed to Spencer out of your eyesight. He moved away to talk to some doctors while Spencer stared at his back, trying to pinpoint where exactly did he knew him from and why he was acting as if he knew you.  

But then it clicked.  

Jackson Avery. Harper Avery's grandson. Owner of a share of the Grey Sloan Memorial. Plastics surgeon. 

Right, of course. And your ex-boyfriend. 

“Is Martha okay?”  

Spencer looked down at you, blinking. “Uh-huh. Yeah, she's safe.”  

You gave him a look, “what?” 

“What?” His voice failed, which was a bit embarrassing, really.  

“Just spit it out, Spence.” 

So, he did. 

“Were you stuck in an elevator with Jackson Avery?”  

You almost choked up on your own saliva, earning a grimace from your boyfriend. Your concerned and caring boyfriend wasn't making that question because of pure jealousy, he genuinely wanted to know if you were okay after being stuck in an elevator with your ex-boyfriend in the same place you got shot by Gary Clark.  

“I'm sorry I wasn't here,” Spencer said with a sigh. “I should have come with you. I'm so sorry I wasn't here.” 

“Spencer, I'm fine,” you insisted, taking his hand on yours. Fuck it. “Hey, nothing happened in there.”  

He knows that but that's not what he meant. Not in that sense. 

“I'm not jealous.” He felt the need to clarify. He wasn't immune to jealousy but that was neither the right place nor moment for it. He just wanted to know if the reason for your anxiety attack was just being in a confined space or if the other person you were stuck with had something to do with it. “But you— Did he say something to you? To trigger it?” 

It took you a moment to get what he was saying, but once you did, you sighed and pulled him aside away from prying eyes.  

“No. I— It was the images. Memories. And the whole thing of being inside an elevator for more than one minute. He didn't do anything. He actually... helped me calm down.” 

Spencer brushed a strand of your hair behind your ear, “okay. Good. And do you feel better now?” 

A tender smile twitched the corner of your lips.  

“Yes, I do.”  

“Are you ready to go?” Hotch approached you and Spencer and you watched Emily, JJ, Derek and Rossi exit the hospital.  

“Yes.” But your eyes drifted to the side and you told both of them you'd meet them in the car. “I'll be right there. It won't take long.” 

Spencer kissed your temple on his way out.  

━━━━━━━━━ 

"Are you okay?" 

"Are you?"  

Both of you have been on opposite ends of the room for the past five minutes and none had the courage to break the deafening silence. It should have been you, though. You were the one to ask Jackson for a quick word.  

"Why wouldn't I be?" His brows furrowed as he stared at his hands. He seemed deep in thought. You wondered if he was thinking the same as you. It was a long time ago. It was a long time ago but it is somehow very fresh when he's standing in front of me.  

Because we never got closure. I didn't let that happen. 

"We never talked about it." You sat down in one of the bunk beds, knowing this wouldn't be as fast as both of you liked it to be. Years of a relationship couldn't be fixed in five minutes. You texted Spencer to let him know you'd meet all of them in the motel since the jet would only be available tomorrow anyway, and you didn't want anybody waiting for you.  

"We did."  

"Talking to our therapists is not the same as communicating to each other." You interjected. 

Jackson's gaze flashed with hurt and he looked away.  

“I couldn't stay," you said, biting your cheek because it was so hard to admit that out loud. 

He finally looked up, tilting his head to look at you. “You couldn't or you wouldn't?”  

You clenched your jaw, annoyance seeping through your demeanor. “I wouldn't. It was my dream, it had always been my dream to get into the FBI—into the BAU. I wouldn't give that up. And it's not fair for you to judge me when you know exactly how that feels. Yes, I could have stayed, but I didn't want to.” 

Jackson rolled his eyes, standing up to pace around the room. "Yeah, it was pretty clear you didn't want to stay." 

"Jackson-" 

“Look, I'm not judging. And yes, I do understand. I just think—" He halted and looked at you, green eyes burning into yours. "God, did you have to pack your bags without even talking to me? You made a life-changing decision and you just up and left.” 

Your breath hitched, and something in your chest churned painfully. Guilt, probably. Five years and you hadn't uttered the words he deserved once. 

"I'm sorry." You swallowed with difficulty. "Jackson, I- What I did was unfair and I'm so incredibly sorry for hurting you. You deserved more than that." 

"I've forgiven you a long time ago," Jackson confessed, uncrossing his arms and angling his body towards you. "It's been five years. Those words have been bottled up in my throat since the moment you walked out... but I don't hate you."  

You winced, "but you did hate me." 

Amusement travels through his face. "For a bit, yes."  

"Fair." 

"I'm sorry too."  

You gave him a sad smile. "You didn't leave me, Jackson." 

"No, but I said some pretty hurtful things to you. So, I'm sorry." 

"Mhm, okay." You nodded, shifting on your feet. “You're forgiven too, I guess.”

Jackson offered his hand for a handshake...? You glanced down at it, holding back a laugh because of how awkward he was being. You shook his hand, grinning with a shake of your head.  

Yeah, that could be closure.  

“I saw you on TV,” Jackson repeated what he said before but you weren't exactly alright to actually hear it. “Are you giving out autographs?” 

“I'm giving out this, does it work for you?” You flipped him off. A nurse passed by you and gave you an ugly look while Jackson just smirked.  

━━━━━━━━━ 

As soon as you walked through the doors of Grey Sloan Memorial, exiting the hospital, your eyes caught the back of a familiar lanky figure whose light brown curls waved wildly with the harsh wind of Seattle. 

When you got close enough, you heard an indignant edge to your boyfriend's tone. He was speaking on the phone. Your amusement grew when you realized was on the other line, pissing him off. 

“Yeah, you know what, Derek?” Spencer started but cut himself off upon seeing you arrive at his side. “You're back.” His annoyed tone switched to something softer.  

“What's he pissing you off about now?” You crossed your arms over your chest. “Tell him I'll slap his bald shiny head if he doesn't stop.” 

Spencer snorted, covering his mouth. You could hear Derek's telling you to fuck off through the phone before Spencer hung up the call.  

You accepted the urge to pull him close to you by wrapping both of your arms around his middle and lowering your head to his chest. His immediate response was to bury his face in the croak of your neck, the cold tip of his nose grazing your skin made you squirm a little.  

“I thought I told you not to wait for me.”  

Spencer rubbed your back, leaning back slightly to look down at you. 

“I wasn't gonna let you drive back on your own.” 

You chuckled, “are you telling me I'm a terrible driver? 

He hummed, lips quirking up when he kissed the tip of your nose. “You're not as terrible as me.” 

“I'm not sure if that can be classified as a compliment, angel. But you're right, nobody is a worse driver than you.” 

A pinch in your hip made you whine. He started laughing as you gave him a playful shove before getting in the car. Driver's seat. You had to prove a point.  

“How are you?” Spencer asked after a long minute of being silent and you knew he'd be dying to ask that. 

“I'm okay.” You told him, giving his thigh a soft squeeze as you concentrated on leaving the parking lot.  

“How did it feel?”  

You stopped at a red light. The motel was about fifteen minutes from the hospital by car, and you wouldn't go back home today, the jet was only going to be available tomorrow.  

“Suffocating.” You laughed after you admitted it out loud. That was how you felt. “Yeah, that's about it. The moment I stepped inside Grey Sloan I felt cornered.” 

“That's understandable.” Spencer caressed the back of your hand before you had to pull it back to move the car gear. “You haven't been there for five years. You may have seen, smelled, felt, or touched something that triggered you to go back to that very moment. Even though triggers are usually harmless, they cause your body to react as if you're in danger.” He explained, causing your mouth to quirk upwards in amusement. “Which was why I wanted to be there with you.” 

“Hey, that wasn't your fault. And I'm not a little girl anymore, I can get a grip on myself, Spence. We were doing our jobs.” 

From the corner of your eye, you were able to see him lean back on the seat with a roll of his eyes. 

“Well, yes, I know but I wanted to be there with you. You know just... be there.”  

You parked in the motel's parking lot, turning the car off. You inhaled heavily before turning to Spencer, leaning forward to kiss him on the lips. Your boyfriend hummed in satisfaction, pulling you closer by the back of your neck. 

“What was that for?” He blinked bleary, voice slightly dazed after your surprise kiss. Your insides turned to mush and fondness overtook your body.  

“I love you,” you said, thumb running across his cheek lovingly. “like... a lot.” 

His eyes sparkled at your statement and he started smiling like an idiot. An idiot head over heels for you. 

“Like a lot?” 

“Like a lot.” 

A harsh tap on your window made your body jerk and you hit your knee against the steering wheel, a loud curse slipping past your tongue. 

Spencer lowered the car window with a glare.  

“Alright, lovebirds. We're going out to the bar across the street to have a little fun. Are you coming or what?” Derek dipped his head as his eyes narrowed at the two of you. “Was I interrupting something?” 

“How are you so annoying—” 

“There is no scientific explanation for that, angel.” You pat Spencer's shoulder, who huffed while getting out of the car. He was immediately wrapped in a side hug by Derek as you locked your car and followed them both down the street, where the rest of your team waited.  

Emily snorted, nudging JJ with her arm. “Told you he was going to cockblock them.” 

“Emily,” Hotch said sternly, but his mouth betrayed him with a little smile.  

“C'mon, pretty boy.” Derek dragged Spencer to the bar as you followed them inside. “Let's drink the night away to make you forget about seeing your girl's ex, who has the greenest eyes I've ever seen—” 

Your lips parted in astonishment.  

“Hey!” JJ warned him. “Stop that. C'mon, leave him alone you've teased him enough with this.” 

Spencer looked at you, lips pulling into a smile at the scowl you were sending Derek as he walked away with JJ and Emily beside him.

“It's alright,” Spencer mumbled, nudging you to a corner as your team scattered around to find a table for eight. “He's just playing around and I'm not threatened by light-colored eyes, anyway. They're overrated.”  

You huffed out a laugh, surprised at his nonchalant claim.  

"Good." You were so close that your breaths mixed, his eyes falling to your lips and rising to your eyes again. You pulled him flush against your body by the belt loops of his pants, earning a shaky exhale from his parted soft lips. "Cause... You know," you pressed a kiss against his jaw. "There's nothing you should be threatened about. I'm pretty certain of that." 

"You are?" Spencer realized how pathetic he sounded and how needy he was starting to look.  

"I am, angel," you reaffirmed in his ear, leaning forward to kiss him. Before it got too heated, you smirked against his lips, pushing him away gently as he groaned in protest. "Okay, we can pick this up later tonight, now let's celebrate a bit with them, yeah?" 

Spencer sighed, burying his face into your neck for a second and drawing it back to glance at the table their friends chose. It was in a corner of the room, across from where they were currently... talking.  

"Okay."  

"Don't sound too excited." 

"Shut up," he grabbed one of your hands and pulled around his hip at the same time his arm lifted to wrap around your shoulders. "You know what I'm excited about-" he pretended to cough upon gaining a light slap on his back as a warning for him to shut up before any of your friends could hear the implication his words were carrying.  

As soon as you arrived at the table, Emily placed a shot before you, claiming you were late for the party. You smiled apologetically at the brunette, bringing the vodka shot to your lips and downing it in one go, gaze locked to your boyfriend's beside you. Oh, this was going to be a long night. 

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taglist: @lvtilzs ; @inexplicableeee ; @fkapluto ; @nellxsies

#spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #jackson avery x reader #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds x grey's anatomy crossover

[live-laugh-lenney]

Hey, sorry if you aren't comfy with writing this/me requesting it but I just want to know if you could do a period comfort type thing with Arthur or Will? On my period rn and my lord it is killing me :/

the girlies are hungry for some willne content so here we go!

she had a feeling.

a horrid feeling that sat low in her stomach, along with the cramps that were contracting her muscles and the damp sensation that she could feel between her thighs, and she couldn't bring herself to leave the warmth and the comfort of the bed to see a bloodied stain left in her place on will's bed because she hadn't been paying attention to what time of the month it was. and she so badly wanted to get up, to check, to make sure she hadn't leaked too much, if at all, on his bed sheets... yet she found herself panicking.

this was the first time she'd started her period in the presence of him.

usually, she would busy her life to the point where they'd go almost a week without seeing each other because her hormones made her feel gross and grumpy and hormonal. and will wasn't stupid and yn, deep down, knew that... but he never went digging and he never forced plans to happen during that one particular week each month. if she knew she was due to start then there was no way she'd have agreed to stay at his place for the weekend.

"if you stare up at the ceiling any longer, the upstairs owner will be in bed with us."

"what?"

her features scrunch up with her eyebrows pinching together on her browline and she turns her head to look in his direction, being met with a cheeky smirk on his lips and a pair of tired eyes watching her, and she could feel her cheeks heating up with embarrassment.

"you'll burn a hole in the ceiling if you stare at it any longer," he says in amusement and she rolls her eyes, "what did it ever do to you?"

"nothing," she grumbles, grasping at his duvet and pulling it up to cover her face, "i'm going back to sleep."

there's a moment where neither of them move... until she feels him tug on the comforter to remove it from her face, only to be met with a tight grip and a straight-up refusal on her part. and he wasn't in the mood to back down, ducking beneath the covers and coming face-to-face with her.

"something's bothering you," he says softly, almost like a whisper, and he can see the emotions written across her face, "what's the matter?"

"nothing," she whines and turns her face away from him, squeezing her eyes tightly and he sighs heavily, dropping his face into the swell of her breasts that were dressed with one of his old t-shirts, "i'm just sleepy. guess i struggled to sleep last night."

"come on," he scoffs and buries his face a little more into her breast, "i know you, yn. i'm not an idiot."

there's a wave of silence and she really contemplates whether she wanted to tell him or not... it was silly for her to be embarrassed over something as natural as a period but she felt silly for getting so upset and panicky over it. it wasn't something she could control.

"you're gonna be grossed out."

"nonsense," he lifts his head and looks at her, "i'm up in your morning breath right now, nothing can be worse than that."

she scoffs and lifts an arm to whack into his shoulder, making strong contact, enough to elicit a groan from him.

"i hate you," she grumbles and he cackles softly, cosying down beside her and laying an arm across her stomach - unknowing to him that she found instant comfort in feeling his warmth and the weight of his arm resting just where her cramps were aching, "seriously, it's gross."

"what is it? i can't help if you don't tell me."

she pouts her lips out and she wants the ground to swallow her whole because this wasn't a conversation she was prepared for.

"i think i've started my period," she murmurs quietly and she's timid when she looks him in the eye, "but i have none of my stuff. no pads, no tampons, i have no paracetamol or clean pants or anything. and i think i've leaked on your sheets and-"

"is this all you were worried about?"

she gulps thickly and he smiles softly.

"oh, you're a silly goose," he shakes his head, "you think i'm not at all prepared for this?"

"prepared?"

"the only thing i don't have for you is clean pants," he admits and he removes the covers from where they were almost suffocating the two of them, "i have everything you need in the cupboard under the sink in the bathroom. tampons, pads, everything you need. as for the bed sheets, we can wash them, no worries about that."

"you-"

"you think i don't know?" he lifts an arm up and brings a hand to cup her cheek, brushing his thumb across her cheek in a soothing way, "i know when you pretend to be busy for a week so you don't have to see me. i know you keep yourself occupied so you can't come over," her cheeks pink up and, yeah, she feels a lot sillier now, "sunshine, i've been with you for over six months now. i'm not an idiot."

"i can't believe you," she giggles sweetly and she stretches her neck to press a kiss to his cheek, "i love you."

"i love you too," he grins, "now, go and freshen up. have a shower, do what you need to do, and i'll pop out and grab us some breakfast."

"can you get some croissants and pancakes?" she wonders and he nods, "maybe some fruit? and some bacon."

"i'll see what i can do," he presses a kiss to her forehead before he swings his legs over the edge of the bed and stands to his feet, "take as long as you want, yeah? i'll some clean clothes for you on the bed for when you get out."

"thank you," she smiles, watching as he dug through his wardrobe for a fresh outfit to wear for the morning, "now hurry up, otherwise i'm going to turn into some hormonal monster. and you won't like that."

"yes, ma'am." xx

#willne #willne imagines #willne fics #willne blurbs #willne headcannons #will lenney #will lenney imagines #will lenney fics #will lenney blurbs #will lenney headcannons

[lemotmo]

Ooof that finale was…..not it. Like my first issue was they for some reason let Kristen write it. I honestly thought we were free of her with the move to abc but alas apparently not. And she very much made her presence known with how off the finale felt in terms of pacing and just how ooc some of them felt at times. Not to mention the continuing saga of her former reign in making Buck an over sexualized character by turning his dad trauma into a way for Tommy to make jr into a daddy kink joke which was just…. No thanks. Otherwise it just was such a….lackluster finale? And I found myself bored at moments.

And then the season over all I’m left wondering what was the point of half of it ? Like Bathena didn’t get to enjoy their honeymoon. They have no house now. The Amir plot which while I loved the character, ultimately led to nothing? The cartel storyline didn’t need to happen and bringing them back was boring. Bobby being dead for 14 minutes and coming into the station at the end perfectly fine was such a wtf moment even for tv standards.

Henren didn’t get to adopt their baby. They got a foster daughter instead only to then….lose her ? And have her be given to Madney instead for them to visit like truly this was just drama for drama sake and ultimately pointless pain for them.

Madneys wedding got rushed and ultimately turned into a 2 minute hospital room scene. We didn’t even get to see ant build up to the wedding.

Buck: He came out as bi which yesssss 🎉🎉🎉 only to then immediately be forced back into his hamster wheel, stuck in yet another relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to even like him, and is rude to him. And then turned into essentially a background character the rest of the season. I truly feel bad for Oliver because he was so so so excited for bi buck, and so happy and hopeful they would do it right and with respect and not over sexualize it and this is what he gets. A boring rude generic LI making daddy kink jokes and no real development into this part of himself. It’s truly no surprise he did nothing to promote that relationship or this finale.

Eddie and Chris. We hardly saw Chris. And then the way they rushed him leaving at the very end was so… not it. Not to mention so out of sorts for him? Like we have seen when he’s mad at Eddie he always goes to Buck. But this time he calls his grandparents at 2 am and asks them to come rake him to Texas indefinitely? Then the Buck Chris talk. I love their scenes together but even it felt off? And then they systematically undid any progress with Eddie’s parents with Helena often coming off filled with glee over it, and Ramon taking his own guilt in Eddie to make him accept it. Then we have Eddie himself. What was the point of Marisol? There doesn’t seem to be one. And why we had to suffer Edy all season remains a mystery since Tim said she came back because he didn’t want two off screen breakups. Only to then do two off screen breakups. What was the point of Kim? I had hopes they would actually use her to move Eddie along and then they just…didn’t? Even Ryan said he thinks all she did was make it worse.

I will give the show credit because they did stick to the try for buddie scene in every episode. And they had some good scenes. Ryan and Oliver knocked their scenes out in the finale especially but once again we are at the finale and it’s left in a…. Now what ? No real movement forward. Once again all of us going oh next season for sure! And no real clear path toward it. and based on Ryan’s interviews tonight, where it once again sounds like they have no idea what to do with Eddie next season due to the vast amount of directions they seem to want to take him, including apparently Ryan saying in one of them that Tim seems to want to lean more into the Bobby Eddie similarities next season and have Eddie focus a lot more on religion, but Ryan does say he doesn’t think Eddie will become a priest. But still it’s just like… what are we doing. It’s given more we don’t wanna say yes to Buddie and follow the clear narrative direction butttttttt we want the views sooooo let’s make it open ended enough to draw them in. Again.

They said at the start they were going to give, or try to give the fans what they wanted this season and truly, I’m utterly baffled how anyone thought any of this is what we wanted. Like we wanted Henren to get their baby. Madney to have the best wedding. Bathena to thrive and get their honeymoon and have some adventures. Buddie to become buddie and enjoy the Buckley Diaz family in an official capacity. And instead we got circles upon circles with lazy choices taken where they could and next to no real character growth or movement. I’m so sorry for how long this got 😅😅😅

Oh Nonny, how I agree with everything you said here. You get me.

I just posted my episode review and most of the things I talked about are the same things you highlighted.

It was written by Kristen? Ah, that explains a lot actually.

I didn't mind the Diaz parents though. I really do think they were trying to help out in their own way. But all the rest of this post? YEEEES!!!!

I can still see the Buddie of it. I'm still hanging in there. There were too many strange choices made in season 7 to make me believe that Buddie isn't going to happen in season 8. Not to mention the amazing chemistry between Buddie compared to whatever it is they are trying to show us with BT. However, they are on thin ice here. I agree. Things need to start moving along. If not... after season 8 I will retreat to my little nook of Tumblr living off good Buddie fan fiction.

I didn't read any of the Ryan interviews yet. Him leaning into religion and the parallel with Bobby I did see coming. The prayer book was too obvious. I wonder why they had 6 interviews lined up with Ryan over this episode? I get that his storyline is important, but it doesn't warrant 6 interviews, not even the religious aspect of it. I'm going to read some of them today to try and get a clearer image.

I just feel like all of my beloved 911 characters don't have any clear direction at this point. I was surely hoping for some more insight, but all we got was superficial storytelling and no real breakthroughs for anyone.

I don't understand what all those journalists that screened this episode were talking about when they said they saw clear directions for season 8. For me it is the opposite at this point. Where are they taking all of this???

#911 spoilers #nonnies galore #buddie #7x10 thoughts #season 8 speculation #buddie thoughts and speculation

[tofics]

Broken - Chapter 3

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!Reader

Summary: A year has passed since Joel and Ellie have returned to Jackson when he finds you on patrol, half frozen and half burning up. Jackson takes you in and nurses you back to health, welcoming you as the newest member of their community. The more time passes, Joel realizes that you and him have more in common than he likes... Until one day, everything changes and you get a gift that he'll never get.

Word Count: 5912 words

This chapter is very dark. Reader discretion is advised.

Warnings: Implications of SA, mention of cannibalism, panic attacks, implications of self-harm, cursing, implications of murder, blood.

Chapter 3 - Worse Than A Monster

As time passes, winter slowly makes way for spring in Jackson. The snow begins to melt and turns everything into a muddy landscape, brown and grey replacing the white canvas as more and more of the land begins to thaw. Those weeks are the worst to be outside. Where it previously snowed it now comes down in rain, heavy and relentless and adding to the already soggy ground. Your horses' hoofs often sink a few inches into the mud and you come back drenched and soiled from your patrols.

One morning, the rain is coming down so heavy that you can barely see outside of your bedroom window. Unsure whether it's safe to take the horses out in this weather, you decide to swing by Joel's first and see if you can catch him before he leaves for the stables.

It takes you longer than usual to get to his house. You keep slipping in the mud and the rain is making it hard to see where you're going. When you finally make it to his backdoor, there's two big splotches of mud on your knees from where you slipped and fell on your way over. You shed your rainboots and raincoat by the door, not wanting to drag that mess with you into the house and then step into the kitchen. Even though it's empty, it's warm and cozy and smells like Joel and Ellie. You've come to love this room, having spent so much evenings here over the past two months.

"Joel?" You call out, but there's no response. You call out again, but get the same result. The rain is drumming against the windows of the house and you figure Joel might've not heard you, so you decide to head upstairs.

His bedroom door is ajar, his bed unmade, but Joel isn't anywhere to be found. Shit, probably missed him. You turn back with a sigh, not too happy with the idea of having to return to the rain as you pass by Ellie's door. To your surprise, you hear her mumbled voice from behind the door, despite the early morning hour. You raise your hand to knock when you hear another voice mixing with Ellie's giggle. She's got someone over. You realize it's another girl and you can't help but smile, happy that Ellie has found some friends in this community. Even though you know you shouldn't, you lean your ear against the doorframe to listen.

"Have you ever seen a penis before?" You hear the other girl asks and you feel color raising to your cheeks. This is definitely not a conversation you should be listening to.

"Ew!" Ellie's voice reverberates through the door and the two girls break out into giggles again. "Gross! No!"

The other girl laughs. "Okay, okay! I just thought, you know, because you live with Joel..."

"Ewwwwwww," Ellie howls and you grin. Nothing quite like a teenager's embarrassment over genitalia. "Why would you even say that! Yuck!" You hear the thump of a pillow and more giggles. "That's like me asking if you've seen your dad's penis!"

You smile to yourself and tip-toe over to the staircase, not wanting to raise attention to yourself. Let the teenagers be teenagers, you think, but then freeze when you hear Ellie's tone as she speaks again.

"I almost did, though. I mean not Joel's, no, gross. But..." There's a pause. You don't know why, but before you realize it, your feet have carried you back to Ellie's door. Something about the way she said it has pricked something in your gut.

"But what?"

You hear the muffled sounds of shifting blankets. When Ellie speaks again, her voice is so low that you're straining to hear her words.

"Uhh... when Joel and I were still traveling around, we came across some people." She pauses again and you feel your pulse picking up. Something tells you that whatever she's about to say, it won't be good.

"They were running low on food, I guess, so they'd started eating their own people."

Your stomach turns and you hear the other girl gasp. "Did they eat their penises too?"

"No! I don't know. Maybe. That's not the point." You squeeze your eyes shut, trying to regulate your breathing. The fact that Ellie ever came across such monsters... You can feel your morning coffee threatening to come back up and press a hand to your mouth.

"They followed this one guy who was a preacher or something. I don't know. One of their people had hurt Joel and I was trading them for medicine with a deer I'd shot, but things went wrong when they found out that it was Joel who the medicine was for, because he'd killed the guy who'd stabbed him. I mean, it was self-defense, but obviously they didn't care very much about that.

Anyway, my trade goes to shit and they take me into their little jail or whatever, and when I refuse to trust them and join their little hunger club, this preacher guy starts threatening me about how I'll be their lunch next."

There's dead silence behind Ellie's door. You keep your hand pressed to your mouth, afraid that if you take it down, a sound or bile will come out; maybe both.

"I managed to fight them, but that son of a bitch of a preacher just wouldn't let go. Next thing I know, the entire place is on fire, and even though there were flames, like, right next to us, that fucker climbed on top of me, and he..."

Your legs carry you down the stairs and out through the backdoor in a blitz before you can catch the end of the sentence. You throw yourself over the railing of the back porch and spew out this morning's coffee and whatever little remains were still in your stomach from last night's dinner. The rain is still coming down heavy and think, washing away the remnants of your stomach as quickly as they came out and soaking your head and sweatshirt, but you don't care. You don't even really notice.

There's the sound of white noise in your ears, paired with a high pitched ringing. You cling to the railing as your heart runs in your chest. Flashes of images you've tried to bury in the back of your head dance in front of you. You can still see them when you squeeze your eyes shut, a playback from hell that you seem unable to stop.

You stumble as you scramble for your rainboots and coat. Your fingers refuse to work, fiddling with the zipper of your raincoat before giving up. Whether it's rain or tears running down your cheeks, you don't know. More than once, you stumble on the slick roads and fall to the ground. There's a sharp pain in the palm of your hand the first time you fall down, then in your knee when you slip for the second time. None of it matters. The pain barely registers with your brain as you tumble back to your house, the high pitched ringing and white noise still blocking out your ears. Somewhere between Joel's house and yours, your hood slips down and your hair is drenched within seconds, but you make no attempt to pull the hood back over your head. You just have to get home. Get away.

Joel finds you in your bedroom. He halts in the doorframe when he sees that you're not fully dressed. For the briefest of seconds, his eyes flit across your bum, partially covered by the panties you're wearing. Then you're already turned around, scurrying from the closet back to the open bag on your bed and he sees the wound on your knee, muddy and leaking blood down your leg in a single, long stripe.

He quickly takes in the rest of the scene in front of him. There's a pile of wet and muddy jeans by the bed, next to a drenched hoodie. Clothes and various objects are strewn across the room, as if having been picked up and then quickly disregarded again. You're in the midst of the chaos, running back and forth between the piles on the ground, your drawer and your closet, gathering things and then tossing them again.

He clears his throat to alert you of his presence, but you don't stop, don't even glance his way. Instead, you grab a pair of jeans from the top of your closet and shove them into your bag. Joel says your name then, but you just dash over to your dresser. To Joel's alarm, you hurry back to the bed with a couple of cases of ammo.

With two quick strides, he crosses through the room and takes you by the arms before saying your name again. Finally, you show a sign of recognition at the mention of your name. "Oh, hey Joel," you mumble and shimmy out of his grip to return to your closet.

"What's going on?" He tries to keep his voice steady, but what he's seeing has him worried. In the few months that he's known you, he's never seen you like this. You have your moments where you draw back into yourself, but this? This borders on mental breakdown, if it hasn't already crossed the line.

You rush back to the bed and fish out a pair of boots from underneath it. "Just packing some things," you say as you walk into the en-suite. You return with a toothbrush and toothpaste in hand which you promptly stuff into the slowly filling bag on the bed.

"I can see that," Joel replies warily. Adding to his confusion, you give him a quick smile as you shimmy past him to retrieve a jacket that's dangling from the curtain rod.

"Where're you goin'?"

"Just got some business I gotta take care of," comes your answer from the room next door. Then you scurry back into the room and drop two rolls of toilet paper into your bag before Joel catches your wrist, stopping you before you can flit off again.

"Hey," he says and his tone is warm, his eyes kind and full of concern. "What happened? What's going on?"

You push his hand off your wrist and turn away from him. The look in his eyes is threatening to get through to you, and you can't have that. You need to concentrate on the task at hand, and he's distracting you.

"You can go, Joel," you dismiss him, but he doesn't budge.

"I ain't goin' nowhere until you tell me what's goin' on."

It's the annoyance over his refusal to leave that pulls you out of your state a little. You turn back to him with an angry look on your face. "I told you. I have some business I have to take care of." You return your attention to the bottom drawer in front of you. Socks, socks, you think. How many socks will I need? You decide that there's no such thing as too many socks and swiftly take the entire drawer out to dump all of its contents into your bag on the bed.

"Alright, enough." Joel puts his arms around the drawer you're holding in an attempt to take it out of your hands, but you refuse. A short war of tug-and-pull promptly ensues. "Let - go!" you press out between clenched teeth. Joel doesn't reply and instead manages to wrestle the large wooden compartment out of your hands. He quickly discards it on the bed before he grabs both your wrists again and pulls you closer to him.

"Do you know what you look like right now?" His voice is hushed and coated with anger. You couldn't care less as you tug on your arms, struggling to get free. "You're running around like a goddamn maniac. You're bleeding, for god's sake!" Joel shakes the wrist of your left arm, forcing your palm to turn upwards so you can see the cut at the bottom of it.

"I slipped," you mumble as you stare at the laceration. Your brows furrow as if you're only now realizing that you're wounded. "I slipped in the rain." The longer you stare at your wound, the more present it becomes. A sharp sting crawls up your left arm and you flinch back at the sensation. Through the noise in your ears, you hear Joel saying your name again. You blink up at him and are met with a stare of concern and anger. You recoil at the sight of it. Why does he care?

He scoffs as you relay the question to him. "How could I not? You don't show up for your shift and then I find you like this!" He lets go of your wrists then to widen his arms, gesturing around the room. You look around briefly, registering the chaos and piles of stuff everywhere for the first time. Did I do that?, you wonder, but quickly shrug it off. Doesn't matter. I gotta go.

You turn back towards your en-suite, but before you can take so much as two steps, your feet suddenly lift from the ground. You screech in surprise and then begin to flail around when you realize that Joel has picked you up and is carrying you out of your room.

Despite your heavy protest and flailing limbs, Joel carries you down to your living room where he unceremoniously drops you on your couch. Once you touch down, you immediately scramble to get back up, but Joel is quicker than you and pushes you down into the cushions by your shoulders. "Let - me - go!" you strain, but he doesn't let up.

Instead, he kneels so you're eye-to-eye with him. "Look at me. Look at me!" he commands, and you unwillingly obey. You stare into his eyes, yours full of fury and hatred for the man who is keeping you from what you need to do.

"What!" It comes out as a snarl, your tone matching the anger in your eyes.

"If you have somewhere to go, that's fine, but I'm not letting you up from this couch until you tell me where you need to go and why."

His face shows an unbreaking determination that just adds to your fury. You glare at him as the silence stretches on between you, unwilling to explain yourself to him. You wiggle a few times to get his arms off your shoulders, but he doesn't budge one bit, just keeps his eyes on yours.

The longer he holds you down, the more your anger slowly dissipates. Your eyes begin to glisten and he feels a hint of pain in his chest. What the hell happened to you?, he wonders and is afraid to learn the answer. When he saw you at dinner yesterday evening, you seemed fine, your usual, nothing out of place. What happened in those few hours between dinner and now?

Your head slumps down as the first sob escapes you, quickly followed by more. Tears drip down onto your bare legs and you begin to shiver as the adrenaline leaves your body; the aftermath a mess of cold, shaking limbs. Joel reaches for a nearby blanket and drapes it around you, trying to cover as much of your shaking body as the blanket will allow. He tries tugging it over your thighs when he sees the faint white lines running horizontally across your skin. There's so many of them.

When he realizes he's staring, he quickly tugs on the fabric again until your thighs are covered too. You don't seem to have noticed or care; sobs still breaking out of you like before. He rubs your back gently over the scratchy material of the blanket, a soothing gesture for the lack of soothing words he can't find.

Eventually, your tears let up a little. You pull your legs close to your chest, tugging your feet under the blanket and run an arm over your nose. It comes away full of snot, which you rub off against the blanket.

"You wanna tell me now what's going on?"

You don't meet his eyes. Shame is pooling in your stomach, hot and full of bile at the state he's seen you in. It takes you a moment to find your voice.

"There's... something I gotta go take care of." Your voice is barely more than a whisper, croaky and thick from the snot that's running down the back of your throat.

"People," you add and briefly meet his gaze, your eyes adding the meaning that your words left out.

Joel thinks about the lines on your thighs and digests your words. "These people. They hurt you?"

You huff at his question and another round of tears springs from your eyes. A single nod confirms his question.

Joel grunts. "They hurt someone you love?"

You feel the taste of bile in the back of your throat at his words. A shudder runs through your spine and you pull the blanket closer around you in search of comfort. Suddenly, you wish you were still in your frenzy, full of adrenaline and empty of all these feelings that are churning you up and spitting you out.

It takes a while before you can speak again without worrying that you might throw up. "Umh. I'll talk to Tommy, see if he can find a replacement for me for morning patrol."

There's a sigh from Joel. He's shaking his head when you look at him. "You don't gotta worry about that. I'll talk to him. He'll find someone to cover for both of us."

"Both of us?!" You look at him in bewilderment.

"You think I'm letting you out there on your own?"

Not what he should have said. Whatever bit of vulnerability you allowed him to see just a moment ago quickly gets shoved away behind a curtain of white-hot anger. "Oh, yeah? Because I can't handle myself?" You throw the blanket off your shoulders and stalk over to the kitchen. "I've lived 37 years without you, Joel, I think I'll do just fine!"

Joel rubs his face and groans as you march off. The fuck did I go wrong this morning?, he thinks but then gets up to follow you. His own words had surprised him a little, no doubt. You had a point, you'd barely known each other for more than three months, and here he was, offering himself up for whatever revenge-mission you had suddenly decided to go on. What about Ellie?, a voice asks in his head, and he immediately feels a twinge of guilt.

He finds you in your bathroom, patching up your wounds, or at least trying to. You've already tended to the cut on your knee and are now trying to wrap a bandage around the palm of your hand, but your free hand is shaking too much. Joel takes the bandage from you and carefully wraps it around the cut and wrist. Once you're all bandaged up, you shove past him into your bedroom and quickly pull on fresh clothes, acutely aware of the fact that you're running around in underwear and a t-shirt.

"I didn't mean that you couldn't handle yourself. It's just safer not to go alone."

He watches you as you don't reply and just stuff things into your bag.

"I know we don't get a lot of raiders or infected around here, but they're out there. I know you know that, you're not stupid." This earns him a glare, but you continue packing wordlessly.

"You don't have to take me. Hell, I probably shouldn't even go. I'm old and rusty, and I got Ellie to look after."

You look at the contents of your bag, then flip it upside down, shaking all of it out onto the bed. Joel thinks he's won for a second, but then you start re-packing everything, just with more precision.

"Just take someone with you, okay? 'M sure someone will come with you. I know some of the youngsters are itchin' to get out there."

You huff in frustration. "I can't just taking anyone with me, much less some young idiot who's never had to look after his own butt and doesn't know how to shoot a damn gun. And what makes you think that someone will just want to come with?! I'm not going on a supply run, Joel, I'm going to end what I should have ended years ago. Some-one, if you haven't caught on by now."

"Yeah no, I got that. Just think it's a dumb idea to go at it alone." He's standing in your doorframe, arms crossed, blocking your exit.

"Please." You roll your eyes as you push your socks into a separate, smaller bag. "I'll be fine. Let it go, Joel."

"'Kay, what if you come across a bunch of infected?"

"Then I'll deal with them." You stuff the smaller bag in between a pair of shoes and two rolls of toilet paper. "Besides, there's worse than infected out there," you mumble under your breath, but Joel hears you clear as day.

"'N what's that?"

Oh, for fuck's sake. When will he let this go!

"People!", you exclaim as you turn to face him. "People, Joel, people!"

"My point exactly!" He throws his hands up in exasperation, but you're quick to interrupt him.

"No, Joel, not fuckin' raiders! I'm talking about FEDRA, you fuckin' idiot!" Your voice has risen to a shout. "You know what's worse than a frickin' raider? Someone with power. Someone who will abuse their power in any way they can. You know what that does to people? You know what they think they can take when they're in charge? Everything, Joel. Everything."

You throw the last few things into the bag and then zip it shut. When you try to shove past Joel in the doorframe, he snags it off your shoulder and takes you by the arm.

"Come with me." It's as much an order as it is a request. Even so, the hold on your arm is strong as he drags you down the stairs and outside into the rain.

The downpour has barely let up since you first stepped a foot outside this morning and it's coming down in buckets. Within a matter of seconds, your second outfit of the day is drenched.

"Where the fuck are we going," you yell over the rain, but Joel doesn't respond, just continues dragging you through the streets until you arrive in his backyard. You're shivering, cold from the wet and the wind, as he points to a pile of wood nearby. You squint at him through the rain, confused.

"Take it out on that," he calls out as he hands you an axe, then places a piece of wood on the chopping block. You just blink at him. Has he lost his mind?

"You need me to chop your firewood?" You wipe an arm across your face, but raindrops quickly gather on your eyelashes again.

"Whatever you're feeling right now, take it out on that, then we can talk again." The rain is running into his eyes and into the back of his neck, but he doesn't waiver, just motions for the piece of wood on the block again.

Fuck it, you think and take your first swing. You split the piece of wood neatly in half. Joel wipes the chunks off of the block and puts a fresh piece on it, then motions for you to go again.

You repeat this process a few times until your chopping becomes faster and faster. You hear Ellie's words from this morning ringing in your head, over and over. "That fucker climbed on top of me, and he..." It plays on a constant loop, accompanied by flashes of pictures of someone that isn't Ellie, trapped under a man's body as she screams and cries for help-

It takes a while to realize that you're screaming yourself. Snot and tears fly from your face as you blindy hack away at the wooden block in front of you, little pieces of wood shooting into the air.

Joel watches from a safe distance as you take your feelings out on the firewood. When you start to scream, Ellie's window on the first floor flies open and two worried faces appear in the frame. "Fuck," Joel mutters under his breath and motions for the two girls to move back and close the window again. "It's okay," he calls out over your distressed wails and the rain. "Ellie, it's okay," he repeats when she doesn't retreat at first. He sees how her eyes wander back and forth between you and him, a mixture of concern and fear on her face. He nods at her once more and finally, she leans back inside and closes the window. Gonna have to deal with that later, he thinks but just then, Tommy comes jogging around the corner of the house, rifle raised.

"Whoa, whoa, Tommy, 's okay, we're good here!" Even though one should never run into the line of a gun, Joel quickly jogs over to Tommy, shielding you with his body in the process. His younger brother squints around him at you, chopping away on the block furiously while you still shout out strangled sounds of pain.

"The fuck's goin' on, Joel?" Tommy's panting and his eyes are wide and alert. "'Dunno quite yet, she's goin' through somethin'," Joel replies quietly so you won't hear. His brother's eyes dart back over to you through the rain. "Uh-huh?"

"Tommy." Joel puts a hand on the barrel and gently pushes it downwards. "She ain't bit. She's just..." He sighs and runs a hand over his face. "'Dunno, man, somethin' set her off and triggered her."

Slowly, Tommy lets his rifle sink down. The two men watch you go at it for a moment. "You sure she ain't bit?" His brothers eyes wander over their surroundings and Joel knows he's looking for infected. "I'm tellin' 'ya, somethin' set her off, jus' don't know what yet. Wouldn't she be tryin' to eat our faces instead of playin' Jack Torrance over there?"

Finally, Tommy swings his rifle back over his shoulder. "Alright," he says in a tone that tells Joel it's anything but alright, and he can't blame his brother. "I got it under control," he assures Tommy. He receives a pat on the back in return and with one last look at you, Tommy jogs back around the house, presumably to tell Maria that no, they're not being overrun with infected.

After a little while, your screaming subsides. Soon after, your motions become slower and slower until you eventually drop the axe to the ground. It lands in a puddle with a thud and a little splash. Realizing that all the fight has gone out of you, Joel makes his way over to you. He reaches you just in time as your knees give out.

"Alright," he grunts as he catches you. He chucks the axe over to a protected dry spot and then swoops you up into his arms.

Ellie opens the backdoor for him and quickly throws a blanket over the couch where Joel sets you down. There's a glazed look in your eyes, like you're far away. Ellie's face is one of pure worry and it tugs at Joel's heart, the way her little heart can feel so deeply for others.

"What happened," Ellie whispers as she studies your face with big eyes. Then she notices the bandage on your palm. "Is she...?", she gasps, but Joel just flicks his tongue. "You think I'd bring her into our house if she was?"

Ellie helps him undress you. The wet clothes stick to your skin like glue, your jeans in particular. You let the two move you around whichever way they turn you, but you make no move to help. It's hard to tell whether you're registering anything that's going on.

Joel sends Ellie up to his room to fetch a pair of his sweatpants and one of his sweaters. When she comes back, she also has a pair of fuzzy socks with her that come out of her own collection. He raises an eyebrow when she hands them to him, but she just shrugs. "Thought they might help."

They speak in hushed whispers as they work around you, replacing your bandages as they go. Once you're dressed in dry clothes, Ellie gets her brush and sits on the backrest of the couch. She slowly untangles your hair and gently brushes through the strands. Joel goes to change out of his own drenched set and heads to the dining hall afterwards. When he comes back, he's loaded with food.

Ellie has finished with your hair and is sitting next to you on the sofa, reading a book. Her eyes light up at the sight of the bag that Joel's carrying. "Whoaaa," she breathes out and wanders over to inspect his loot. "They let you take all this?"

Joel shrugs. "More or less. Told Andrea we can't make it to the dining hall today." He glances over at you, but you're still staring off into the distance. "She say anything at all since I left?" Ellie shakes her head. "No, but I think she liked it when I sat next to her. She sighed once," she replies in an equally hushed voice. Together, they unpack lunch and dinner.

You poke around the plate of food that Joel set down in front of you. Hours have passed since you slowly came to on their couch. There's a numbness inside of you that fills you from head to toe, overshadowing every other sensation. You're not hungry, you're not thirsty, you're not happy or sad. If anything, you're exhausted. Every single muscle in your body aches like you just finished a whole body workout.

While you shift the food around on your plate, Joel and Ellie blabber on in the background. It's the most you've ever heard him talk; even during your game nights he doesn't talk this much. You briefly wonder if this is what their every-day-interactions are like before you push the thought away. Ellie laughs and Joel joins in. Hers is high and giggly and his is deep and warm and throaty. It's a nice sound.

You're grateful that they don't try to include you in the conversation. You just sit and listen as Ellie talks about the gossip her friend Jessica told her last night during their sleepover. Apparently, her brother tried to steal one of the rare chocolate bars from the community kitchen and now has to work in plumbing as punishment. Joel, in return, tells a story about how back in the day, a plumber messed up at one of his construction sites and they had a sewage pipe blow up in the middle of the day. "Poop rained down everywhere. It was an ugly sight, I'm tellin' 'ya. Tommy got the worst of it."

Ellie laughs so hard, she almost slides off her chair, and even Joel's chair is shaking from his laughter. You briefly look up and find that Joel is looking at you, the skin around his eyes all crinkly from the smile on his face. You quickly avert your eyes but can't stop the tiny smile that wanders over your lips.

"C'mon, I'll walk you home." Joel's hand is on your shoulder. The dishes are done and the sun has set. Ellie has already gone to bed, or has at least retreated to her room.

You feel a soft nudge on your shoulder and start to move.

The idea of going back to your house, alone, haunts you. Where a packed bag is waiting and the evidence of your outburst is strewn across the floor of your entire bedroom.

Your legs stop under you and Joel almost bumps into you on the way to the door. "I can't," you whisper and you feel the familiar wave of shame roar in your stomach. You feel Joel's hand on your back and feel frozen in your spot. "I-," you start again but your voice betrays you. There's a prickling sensation behind your eyes and you know that the tears are just around the corner. You sigh and it sounds like dry laugh. "I, umh."

Joel doesn't say anything, he just waits for you to say what you have to say. You take a big breath and then say the words quickly before you lose the momentum. "I'm afraid I'll do something, if I'm alone." Your whisper is so quiet, so small, as if your voice wants to hide itself away. "To myself."

There's a moment of silence where you feel like your skin is on fire. Every single hair on your body stands up as you wait for Joel to respond. The wave of shame sloshes around in your stomach and sends hot shivers through your body. You feel betrayed by yourself, by your mind, your strength, both cowering at the sight of your pain, unable to tame it. You feel humiliated by yourself, your inability to deal with your demons and how scared you are of them. You've fought so many monsters, infected by cordyceps or power, but the one opponent that you never seem to beat is yourself.

Finally, you feel his hand glide off your back and it feels like a kick in the stomach, but then his hand gently wraps around your unbandaged hand. There's a soft tug, and then he's guiding you through the kitchen, up the stairs and into his bedroom.

A cascade of emotions washes over you: relief, shame, gratitude, humiliation, guilt. There is relief that you don't have to go home and face your demons in the dark all by yourself, gratitude that Joel's taking you in and taking on the burden of making sure you're safe when you can't do it yourself, but it's all laced with shame, bitter and slimy and hard to swallow because you should be able to do this yourself.

You don't know how to feel as he gestures for you to sit on the bed, then takes off his watch and places it on one of the nightstands. He pulls off the jacket he's wearing, then slips out of his t-shirt. You avert your eyes when his torso is bare, even if not for long. He slips on another t-shirt, then kicks off his pants.

You're still sitting on the edge of his bed as he slides under the blanket behind you. "C'mon," you hear him mumble and he tugs the blanket out from under you. To your surprise, your body moves on its own accord. Your legs slide under the blanket he's holding up, then he's pulling the covers up so they reach up to your chin. You feel him shift behind you and then there's his body leaning against yours, your back pressed against his tummy. An arm moves around your waist and pulls you even closer, until you're fitted against each other tightly.

You're in Joel Miller's bed, but there's nothing sexual about it. Joel holds your shaking body against his and lets the warmth of his own body erase your cold. He holds you, even when tears of shame and sadness roll down your cheeks and into his pillows. He holds you until you fall asleep, and even then, he doesn't let go.

Series Masterlist - Mobile Masterlist

A/N: I want to make it clear that asking for help is never wrong, nor anything to be ashamed of or to be humiliated by. As a person with chronic depression who struggled to deal with it on her own for years, I want you to know that you deserve all the help, even if your brain is telling you something different. No matter what you're struggling with, you are worthy of help and love, always. 🤍

Feedback is always appreciated! If you have any requests, feel free to send them my way. I'm always happy to practice my writing! :)

Let me know if you'd like to be tagged in future chapters!

Tag list: @eternallyvenus @frogsdeservelovetoo @akisfoxdevil @southernbe @nutterbitter @sunandmuun @noisynightmarepoetry @puduvallee @picketniffler @yesjazzywazzylove-blog @orcasoul @foomoosworld @aryaharmon @lilmizmoz @ashleyfilm

#joel miller #joel tlou #tlou joel #joel the last of us #the last of us #the last of us hbo #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller fic #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fanfic #tlou fanfiction #tlou fanfic #tlou fic #the last of us fanfiction #the last of us fanfic #the last of us fic #joel and ellie #ellie and joel #ellie williams #ellie tlou #ellie the last of us #ellie x reader #ellie x you #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x you #broken

[thisonehere]

OMG I HAVE SUCH ANGST IDEA

HOW ABOUT WRITING OF RUIN JOHNNY&SONYA MARRIAGE, AND HOW JOHNNY FOUND CONSOLATION WITH KENSHI AND HOW JOHNNY HAVE PROBLEMS WITH ACCEPTING HIS FEELINGS FOR A MAN

IF HE AFRAID JUDGMENT AND REACTION OF HIS EX WIFE, FRIENDS, DAUGHTER

OMG ITS SO BADLY AND PAINFUL 😰

Omg, I love it 😭

Blindsided

A/n: Aw yes, Johnshi, the superior Cage ship (sorry CageBlade shippers out there, please don't rip my head off). Anyway, I kept it vague on which timeline this takes place in. Now, let the agnst -filled torturing of these characters commence!

Tags: Request, Mk, MK AU, Ship: Johnshi, angst

C/w: Bed rotting, mlm, internalized homophobia, angst (when I say angst I really mean it), alluding to possible self harm, self loathing, grief, poor hygiene

Johnny and Sonya had the picture perfect marriage. They were crazy for each other, travelled the world togethe, and lovingky raised their daughter to a total baddasss. Truly, everything is perfect...or at least that's what Johnny wants people to believe. The false reality he created on social media, the illusion of the life he wanted but could never have.

The truth? Their marriage was dying, or had already been dead the moment they said "I do." Johnny loved Sonya with all his heart, but he could feel their marriage crumbling apart just by looking at her eyes. Her eyes were neither scorn nor adoration, there was just...indifference. it was worse than anything else she could give. He could deal with disdain, he could deal with bad reviews and hate online, but not apathy. That means it's over, that there's no more fighting.

They did get into a lot of arguments, though even were stiff and lifeless. A lot of times over nothing, Sonya because she found annoyance in the slightest thing he does, Johnny because, well, because he just wanted to feel something. He didn't care that it was hatred, he just wanted to feel some form of passion from her. Often he lies awake next to, though she's present Johnny might as have been alone. He was so cold and alone that he swore that if he looked at her side of the bed she'd be gone.

When they first met Johnny, things seemed amazing between the two, there was so much passion between them Sure Sonya didn't like him...a-and he did harass her a lot until she finally agreed to date him...but surely they had love at some point...right?

"Baby, wait, please!" Johnny cried as he chased after Sonya down the stairs. "What did I say about calling me that?" Sonya rolled her eyes as she march down the stairs to the door, where her bags were. Johnny's eyes widen in horror at the sight of it. This can't be happening, it just can't. She can't be leaving, not now, not after everything they've built together. They made a home, raised a daughter to become a badass, and protected earthrealm countless times.

"You can't seriously be leaving me!" He says as he finds the speed to jump in front of her in hopes of blocking her path. He tried to flash his ever charming and charismatic. Maybe acting the way he used to would bring something back. But Sonya just rolled her eyes and pushed past him. "Look, Johnny, I can't...I can't just do this anymore." She tried to articulate, she wasn't the best at romance. She was actually terrible at it. Possibly another reason for this reason this relationship couldn't work.

"Bab-Sonya...please, just talk to me." He voice is more desperate now. Sonya can't leave, she just can't, she means so much to him. He has had many wives over the, many of them only lasting only, for what, like a month? Johnny wasn't too bothered by most of them, he had already checked by the time they ended. But with Sonya, he wasn't ready, he still wanted this work. But as he stared into her eyes, he saw the same look that he had when he was done. "What about Cassie? She-"

"Cassie's old enough now that she can handle it."

Dammit, she's right. At this point Johnny was pulling at straws to get her stay. But nothing was working. "Look Johnny, I'm sorry. But I can't do this anymore...I don't...uh..." Love you, Johnny finishes in his head. Sonya didn't mean to hurt, but that didn't mean she wasn't. "Sonya..." Johnny tried to reach out to her, but she backed away. "I'm sorry." And with that, she turned, grabbed her bags and walked out the doors. Johnny watched in horror as she gave one him last look as she closed the door behind her.

The next few weeks were hell for Johnny. Many grew worried for him when less and less was seen of him. Many of his fans were going into a frenzy as they speculated about what happened to him, maybe he was planning a major surprise, a new secret project perhaps. But the reality was that he couldn't even build up the strength to get out of bed.

Many of his up and coming projects were delayed or even cancelled. Cassie filled his phone with hundreds of missed calls. If she was even able to reach him, he'd give the same "Everything's fine, I'm just feeling a little sick" bullshit excuse. She knew that the divorce would have a negative effect on it, but she didn't know it would be that bad. She herself was hurting because of her parents splitting, but it made her even worse to see how badly he'd been effected.

If she could only see her father right now, oh the ways she'd be devastated. He shifts unfortunately in his bed, trying to find some form of comfort, but rest evades him at every turn. He hasn't showered, he hasn't even changed out of the clothes he wore that horrible day. He hasn't eaten much, his breath stank of alcohol, his eyes died red with tears.

Each day since Sonya left him has been more painful than the last, this day was no exception. Johnny got out of bed, with a painful moan, he stretched and then went into the kitchen. Not to find food, but to drench his throat with more expensive liquor. He rummaged through the collection of wine he had grabbed from the wine cellar a few days prior, already almost everything was gone, save for a few expensive wines. The one he pucked was just an ordinary seeming red wine, but it was the same wine he and Sonya picked up during their honeymoon away in some country maybe an entire realm. It was something he wanted to share with Sonya on their wedding anniversary. But now he needs it to console him for they're divorce.

He downed it straight from the bottle with a hopeful gulp. Maybe this would numb he pain, make the hole inside of him full. Or at least make him forget the state his heart was reduced to. It wasn't shattered, it just felt gone, it left With Sonya the day she walked out the door.

He was alone now, the house echoed at each gulp he made, its walls vibrated with the echoes of him throwing the bottle in a moment of blind fury. "FUCK" He finally exerts, he throws almost every last thing he sees in any direction he can. It all shatters as Johnny fell to his knees and began to sob.

Oh God...he's alone. No one is here for him. Cassie, Jax, and all his other friends are miles away, (or at least that's what it feels like.)

Why, Johnny wonders, why is (the) God(s) so cruel? Why would they leave me like this? Why would they make him be alone, unloved and un

*knock*

*knock*

*knock*

Johnny's ears piped up at this, his head jerked and his eyes darted to the direction of the door. Who could that possibly be?

----

Why am I doing this? Kenshi wandered to himself as he banged on Johnny's front door. He and Johnny were friends, they worked together to protect Earthrealm, and went on countless adventures with each other , yes, but they haven't spoken in so long. Something had happened between the two, a rift formed that pushed Kenshi away from him. Sonya, the left was Sonya, or Johnny's interest in her to be precise

Kenshi didn't take this pairing seriously at first, after all, Sonya hated Johnny and Johnny couldn't take a hint. The likelihood of the two being together was so unlikely, the mere concept of it filled Kenshi with a strange bitter and angry feeling. Kenshi hated when Johnny flirted with Sonya, he hated the way Johnny looked at her, he hated the way she began to return his gaze, he just hated it all. He didn't know why but he just did. Perhaps it was because of this hatred that caused him and Johnny to fall apart. They hadn't spoken much since the wedding, but when he heard about the divorce and how badly it hit him, he couldn't help but feel sorry for him. The image of him languishing in agony in his bed, his face soaked with tears. For some reason the image of him being in pain hurt him for some reason.

So now he's here, at Johnny's door with a box of chocolate. Why the chocolate? He didn't know, it felt wrong to come by empty handed, and bringing chocolate felt right. This is a breakup he's dealing with, so why not?

As he waited for Johnny to open the door, he felt his hands getting sweaty. He felt...nervous for a reason. Why? He's coming here to check on Johnny, it's not like he's coming to ask him on a date.

His ears immediately picked when he heard hurriedly footsteps come to the door, no doubt Johnny was hoping it might have Sonya at the door. The door swings open and Johnny's head pops out. Kenshi didn't need to see to know that Johnny had a giant and hopeful smile on his face. He truly thought he'd see Sonya at his door.

"Kenshi..." The disappointment sinks in. His voice was low and hoarse, no joy or at could be heard. Only a returning sadness. No quips, no puns, or any other usual Cage annoying charm. Johnny sounded drained, lifeless. No doubt he looked that way as well. Kenshi's heart sank at this, actually witnessing Johnny in this state hurt him a greater deal then he expected. "I-uh-I brought you chocolate." Kenshi spouts abruptly as he hands Johnny the box.

"Uh... Thanks." He awkwardly accepts the box with a nod. "I-It's caramel. Well, milk chocolate and some other flavors, b-but mainly caramel." This is weird, Kenshi thought, why am I so nervous?

"Listen, I heard what happened between you and Sonya." At that second, Kenshi felt Johnny's shoulders slump down and his already fragile spirit collapsed even further. "And I heard how hard it's been on you. I just came to check on you and see how things were going, if you were alright."

"Yeah..."

"Cassie's worried about you."

"I know."

"We're all worried about you actually."

"Oh...o-okay."

God, this was so awkward between the two. Kenshi never was good at handling situations like this, but he has to. He has to help Johnny. "Do you want to talk about? I'm here for you if you want...you know...talk. N-Not just about the divorce, j-just anything in particular." At this moment, Kenshi's face blushes with embarrassment. He was fumbling his words. Hw just wanted to put his head into a hole and hide there forever.

It's not going to work, I messed up so badly.

"I'd like that. C-could we do it right now, actually?"

Well, what do you know? It worked.

---

"It hasn't been easy lately, it's actually been hell." Kenshi shifts unfortunately in the love seat he and Johnny sat on. The other couches were too messy to be sat so the two sat on this tiny couch, it was meant for him and Sonya but now Kenshi was taking up the other space.

"Out of all my marriages, I don't know, I thought this one would've worked. I loved her so much, the moment I laid my eyes on her, I thought about our whole future already." Johnny picked at the chocolate's in the box, hoping that maybe something in there might make him feel less bitter inside. He avoided Kenshi's face, he didn't know why, but something about him made Johnny shy. It's been like that since he first met him, he couldn't place this feeling for Kenshi, all that he knew is that he made him feel shy and Johnny didn't like that feeling.

Kenshi just sat there, listening attentively as if every word of his heartbroken rambling was the most important things in the world. This alighted the warmth inside of him, it made Johnny feel a little bit better, like he mattered or something. "I-I wanted it to work, god, I wanted it to work so bad. I thought everything was going amazingly, we had an awesome wedding, a literal god attended, we had a badass daughter who kicked another god's ass. We've had rough patches in the relationship, true, but I thought we'd work it out." Johnny felt cold inside again, he set aside the chocolate box, nothing in there would make him feel any better.

How....how did everything go to hell? He wondered. When he was with Sonya, the sky felt like it was the limit, things weren't perfect, but this wasn't that bad...right?

"Maybe it was always hell, your head was just too much in the clouds to notice." Kenshi said abruptly.

How did he...

'Telepath'

Right.

"A long time ago, I was in line with some bad people...but I thought everything was okay. I didn't care to notice the red flags, the warning sign, they all missed. Or I refused to notice them at least." Johnny shifted his seat this time. "And what's the point of this story?"

"I know how much you cared about Sonya, I wished you two had worked it out to" the words stung like poison in his mouth, "B-but maybe it just wasn't meant to be...maybe things weren't as perfect for Sonya as it was for you..." Johnny didn't say a single thing for a few moments, maybe he was still processing these words or maybe he heard them. but was in denial. Kenshi once again shifted in his seat. Finally Johnny gives a response, single tear.

"I just...I just wanted it to work. I wanted her to...to love me..." The tears grew heavier, his breath began to get shorter and shorter. "Why...why didn't she love me?" And at that moment, Johnny completely broke down. Tears rushed out of his eyes like a water faucet after it been turned on. He basically shrunk, reduced to a whimpering mess of snot and tears.

*Crack*

There it was, Kenshi's heart breaking. "Johnny..." He started, but he couldn't find the right words that would help him. Only his actions could help now. Without thinking, Kenshi lurched forward and gently wrapped his arms around Johnny, pulling him close in an embrace. "Hey..." Kenshi uttered softly under his breath, he hasn't done anything like since Suchin. He would hold her if she ever cried, which an often thing, so it made it all the more special when he did. It's strange to do so with Johnny, but it feels right. "I know...trust me, I know..."

Kenshi is taken by surprise as Johnny quickly wraps his arms around him, returning his embrace. Johnny's sobbing began to calm down as well as his whimpering and sniffles. Kenshi feels Johnny basically melt in his arms and he in Johnny's. And at that second, everything just felt right, like this is where they belonged...Kenshi lost himself in Johnny, and maybe Johnny did too.

In that second it felt like something clicked inside of both of them. Kenshi pulled back just little, just enough so that Johnny's faces could meet. They stared at each other for what felt like eternity. Before they stop to think, Kenshi's lips gently touch Johnny's. The whole world felt like new at that second, yet familiar at the same time. It felt like paradise as they sat there as they kissed, enjoying the warmth of the other...

But paradise ended as quickly as it started. Without warning Johnny rips away, a horrified look spreads across his, he stares at Kenshi with a disturbed as he realizes what just happened.

"Get out..."

"Johnny, I-"

"KENSHI, GET OUT!"

---

Okay, what the hell was that!? Johnny thought as he paced across the floor. His heart was racing a thousand miles, his head was spinning, this was all so hard to process. He-he and Kenshi…impossible. It can’t be, Kenshi’s a man! But he kissed him…and he-he liked it. No! Kenshi’s a man! Johnny, the renown ladies, can’t like men. He can’t be gay….c-can he?

No! He can’t! What would Sonya say? How would Cassie react? Jax, Kung Lao, Liu Kang, Raiden, what do they think? His fans, hell, Hollywood, what they all do if they find out that Johnny Cage kissed a guy? Ah yes, that's right, they'd think less of him, no longer will they have any respect or love for their once golden boy, they'll throw him to the side, a place where he is out of sight and out of mind.

He could just see it, his daughter and Sonya looking down at him in disgust. They turn their backs on him and he'll never see them again. All his friends distancing themselves farther and farther away, spewing venomous words behind his back.

Those great fears swirl around his head so great that everything starts to swirl, his feet feel weak and his head light. He collapsed onto his bed and tries to catch his breath and get his heart to slow down. He tries to think about everything through, surely he didn't even like the kiss. He was just in the heat of the moment and kissed Kenshi, he was so caught up in the moment and just did...and he liked it. Damn it.

---

"What did you do?" Cassie had finally managed to find a corner Kenshi. The poor man could barely get a word in. Cassie was in a frantic state, whatever happened between them mustn't have been good. It has been an entire month since the..."incident". Johnny kept himself locked, but it seemed to be much worse this time. "You said you'd help him but now he not only blocked me, but also deleted all his social media accounts. HE deleted them! So tell me, what did you do?" He stood corrected. They all knew how much Johnny liked social media, the man was almost chronically online with how time he spent on those apps. Him deleting them was not a good sign. "Cassie, I....I'm sorry."

"What happened?"

Kenshi could feel his cheeks flush as he feels too flustered and embarrassed to explain. What was he supposed to say, 'Sorry Cass, me and your dad made out on his couch but then he freaked out and kicked me out. Sidenote, I'm in love with your dad.' Like that wouldn't be awkward.

"I...m-me and your father...something happened between...I-I can't tell you. But I-"

"* sigh* You know what, I'll just go see him myself."

"Cassie, wait-"

But Cassie bolts out the room slamming the door behind her, leaving Kenshi alone with his thoughts. And he hated it. His mind was reduced to a frazzled mess still after the whole month. He couldn't stop thinking about Johnny, about the Kiss, how he felt his heart broke when he told him to get out. But there was also relief inside of him. After all these years, everything finally made sense. He was in love with Johnny, god it felt so good to finally make sense of it. It was like a weight was lifted off of him. But it also hurts, he remembers when Johnny revealed that he and Sonya were getting married. Johnny excitedly described everything to Kenshi, the decorations, the seating arrangements, and most importantly the seat he saved for Kenshi. His heart sank at the news, it felt like he lost something and he'd never get it back. He didn't attend the wedding, he could just imagine it, Johnny staring at the empty seat in the front that was supposed to house his best friend.

He can't believe it, he's in love with Johnny. He feels like he's betrayed someone for feeling this way, like her hurt and used someone. He feels so disgusting inside because of this. He then thinks back to how Johnny basically rejected him, his heart is now broken. God, he's in so much pain right now. Not a wound or any kind of physical ailment, but in a place that no sword or gun could ever do.

"I'm sorry." Kenshi said under his breath, his breath getting heavy. "Johnny, Cassie, Sonya, Takeda...Suchin...Forgive me."

---

Today was another day where Johnny felt like crap. This day felt worse, he felt like he could barely move, it was a struggle to keep his eyes open. His skin felt dirty, his hair greasy and matted. He bet that if he got up and looked in the mirror he'd probably be horrified, his skin would pale and sickly looking, his body thin and frail looking, god just thinking about made him want to leave the bed less.

Kenshi.

The thought of him immediately rushes through mind without warning. It was an entire month and he still couldn't stop thinking about it. His lips were so soft, his arms were soft and warm and it felt amazing to be held by them, his smile was so cute, and he just good inside thinkimg of it. But this feeling always quickly fades as everything sinks back in.

He's gay-er-bi, he's excepted it, and he's never leaving the house again. He might as well, his family and friends will no doubt abandon him completely and refuse to ever see again. Kenshi probably already told them all and they probably hate him or they will if they ever find out. So decided to cut to the middle man just block them all and delete his socials, then waste away. Why not, who would possibly care about him?

*knock*

*knock*

*knock*

Kenshi.

The thought comes to his mind as soon as he hear the door being knocked on. He finds the energy to jump into a sitting position. He hasn't spoken or seen since he screamed at him to get out. Is he back? Johnny buries his face in the pillow, he doesn't want to see Kenshi right now. Before him all he had to worry about his divorce, now he realizes he gay and everyone he loves will probably judge him for being this way. He's too scared of what might happen if he opens that door...but he can't deny that he wants to see him again. When they kissed it felt like the world lit up for him, a magical moment that he can't forget. He felt things for Kenshi that he thought he could never feel for a man.

He keeps his face buried in the pillow. Nope, he thinks, after the way I treated him, I can't ever face him again.

*Knock*

*Knock*

*Knock*

Just stay here, Kenshi will away eventually.

*Knock*

*Knock*

*Knock*

Stay.

*Knock*

*Knock*

*Knock*

Stay here.

*Knock*

*Knock*

*Knock*

St-Oh what the hell?

And with that Johnny rips away the covers and jumps out of bed, races down down the stares to the door. He reaches for the door handle but then, he hesitates. He's sweating, was he always sweating? A nauseous feeling erupted in his stomach causing to back away from the door. Is this really the best idea? He can't seem to think of a single reason to open that door, this damn door that seemed to hold bad things every turn of the way. So he turns, beginning to walk.

"Dad!?"

Johnny hears behind the door. He stops in his tracks. No it can't be. "Dad, please, open up." It can. As Johnny hears his daughter calling to him, his heart sinks to another level. No, he can't face his daughter, out of all the people he fears losing because of all this, he fears losing Cassie the most. The image of Cassie looking at him in disgust plays over and over in his mind. He can't bare the thought of her hating him, that is something he fears hell never recover from. Something scarred might lead to him hurting himself.

"Dad, please, just talk to me." This time sounded more desperate, almost like she was about to break down into tears. Johnny's heart feels like it's about to rip out of his chest and shatter on the ground. The way she sounds so distraught, he can't stand the idea of just leaving like this, like the way Sonya left him. With that he balls up his fist, takes a deep breath and turn back to the door. As much as he doesn't want to do it, he has to fave her, he has to resolve this for Cassie's sake. If she hates him afterwards then he'll just have to deal with it.

"Dad!" Cassie's sigh in relief as Johnny finally opens the door. Her eyes widen at the star her dad has been reduced to. "Hey kid." Johnny forced a smile onto his face despite this, if his relationship with his daughter is going to go down in flames he might as well go with the classic Cage charm. "Long no see, finally come to see your old man?" Cassie stared at her father, "What the hell, dad?" She snaps. Though more out of worry than anger. "You go missing for almost two whole months, block me and everyone else, delete your entire presence online, locked yourself in your house and leave everyone worried. Again I ask, what the hell? Do you have any idea how scared I was? I-I thought something might've happened to you, that you...that y-you did something to yourself. That I'd never see you again..." Cassie's angry voice dissolves one within the brink of sobbing. She has tried to keep herself together for the longest, to stay strong for him, for her mom, all her friends and fellow soldiers. But she can't take it anymore and breaks down. "I was so scared. E-every time you hung up I-I was scared that it would be the last time I'd ever speak to you. I know that you and mom splitting would be hard on you, but that doesn't mean you can just lock me out. Lock us all out. I just want to be there for you!" Her eyes darted from this way to that all over his face, hoping to get some reaction from him. Just something, anything. Anything that would make losing her cool and crying like a baby and not the soldier she is worth it.

"Cassie..." Johnny eventually lets it, his smile fades as the tears find their way out of his eyes. "Cassie, I'm so sorry." He says, an apology with a double meaning. He opens his arms and with hesitation, Cassie rushes into them, squeezing the life out of him. It has been so long since he held his daughter, the last time remembered doing such a thing was when she was a little girl. Back to simpler times, when he thought everything was perfect, that there wasn't a single this wrong. How he wishes he knew the truth about himself back then, then it would've been easier to let her go after she learns the truth about him.

"What happened between you and Kenshi? D-Did he do something to you?" She asks defensively with a sniffle. Johnny takes another deep in and out. "Cass, I think you need to sit down for what I'm about to tell you..."

Johnny sat his daughter down, he cleaned off her favorite part of the couch just for this moment. He couldn't sit her in the love seat cause that was just wrong after everything that transpired on it. Cassie sat down quickly, not wasting time to continue her questioning on what happened with him and Kenshi. Johnny gulped hard and balled his fist tighter. So tighter he swore his nails might've stuck into his skin and caused him to start bleeding. With one last deep breath, he tells her everything. The meeting, the chocolate, the tears, the hugging, the kissing, how much he like it, everything.

Cassie just stared at him as he talked, she gave a visible reaction as he spoke which frightened him. Her being silent could not be a good sign. Well, this is it. He thought, any moment now she'll react, he'll scream at him and storm out of the door and out of his life.He closes his eyes and folds his hands together, tiny drops of blood drops from one of his hands, but he couldn't feel bothered enough to notice.

Cassie finally reacts, but she doesn't flip out, she just starts laughing. As you can guess, this is much to Johnny's surprise. Where's the look of disgust? The insults? The judgment? All he gets is laughter. "Whats do funny?"

"I'm sorry, it's just..." She tried to explain, but she changed from a sobbing mess to a laughing mad woman. "I was so scared he did something to you. I thought you were seriously hurt. Well you were hurt to some instant. Th-thank god!" She forced through her delighted chuckles, taking Johnny by surprise.

"You don't hate me?" He said, making sure he understood what was happening. He was really confused right now. "Hate you for what? For not being straight? This isn't the 90s anymore." She said, her laughing fit finally calming down as she looked at her father with a loving gaze he thought he'd lose. He smiles, but cries still. "I-I thought you'd hate me." He said, the tears getting greater. Cassie stops laughing looks at her father, her expression serious again. "Dad...I don't hate you. I could never hate you... you're father and I'll always love you no matter your sexuality, o-or your gender or whatever the hell you identify as." She smiles at her father, she looks him the eyes to let him know how much she means it, how much she loves. Without hesitation, he pulls her into a hug.

Overwhelmed, Johnny's tears grow heavier. "How-" he was stopped by a sniffle as he tried to keep contr and not crumble into mess of tears. "How the hell did I manage to raise someone like you?' He gleamed through tears. "If it's any consolation, I have done pretty awesome parents. An accepting dad and an open-minded mom...now wash up and call him."

"What?"

Cassie picked up his phone and handed it to him, Kenshi's number pulled up so Johnny could call him. "Call him. Mom already moved on and is happy, it's time you be happy too."

---

"Hello?" Kenshi picked up the phone confused. Who would be calling him this time of night? "Hey, Ken" a voice boomed happily across the other end. "Johnny? What do you-"

"I want you to come over." Johny said in his usual cocky manner, his confidence seemingly returned and was stronger than ever. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"No jokes. Just you, me, and some sexual tension finally being relieved."

Johnny couldn't see it, but he could tell that Kenshi was smiling on the other end. "I'll be there in 20 minutes."

#happy pride 🌈 #mk1 #mortal kombat #mk1 2023 #mortal kombat 1 #mk fanfic #mk johnny cage #mk kenshi #kenshi takahashi #johnny cage #kenshi x johnny #johnny x kenshi #johnshi #gay ships #fandom ships #the best fandom ship imo #request #request closed #agnst #angst with a happy ending #mlm #mlm yearning #sonya blade #cassie cage

[verosikastrikerexcuser]

I’m still disappointed in the way they wrote Stella. It was so… boring. For a show that champions it’s “messy” and “morally grey” characters, Stella is turned into a one-dimensional hate sink who exists for the sole purpose of being mean to Stolas. The show never fails to consider that she was forced into this marriage too and retcon’s Octavia’s comments about them not always hating each other. Which sounds more interesting, a noblewoman forced into an arranged marriage who puts up with it for the sake of status until her husband threatens to bring it all crashing down upon both her and her daughter so she hires an assassin to prevent her life from going down the drain or a whiny brat who exists solely to torment him?

Yeup you can see how they retconned Octavia’s comments and things they established about Stella and Stolas etc. It’s really noticeable and it makes the show anger inducing. No, you can’t just go back on all that stuff you set up because it’s inconvenient now. The fact it’s done for the sake of some horrible forced ship that abuses Blitz makes it even worse.

Their attempts to dumb down Stella more and more to make her a villain actually just made my Stella sympathy even worse though, ironically. Because by adding Andrealphus they reveal they decided to write Stella as having no property rights. For some fucking reason. I guess marriage for goetia is different? But if Stolas dies it all goes to her Octavia, despite Stella being his wife. That’s how it would have operated for women irl hundreds of years ago and confirms Stella has no property ownership in the marriage (historically also why women couldn’t really vote, as voting has historically been tied to property ownership and married women, everything was automatically owned by their husband). And there’s no way Stella could have just decided to work or do something else because the marriage was arranged since childhood. The arranged marriage favours Stolas and protects him more than her so it’s even worse for her. I wish more people analysed that part and talked about it cuz it’s nuts they wrote that like it’s nothing and makes Stella even more of a bitch or something. If they do some sad arc where Stella’s horrible for expecting to be able to still live somewhere and own a home after the divorce because that’s stealing from poor Stolas and she doesn’t deserve anything at all from him!!!!!1 I will actually fucking scream. Who said it Reddit bros who don’t think women should have divorce rights or Helluva Boss lmao.

The “Why do you stay” (I don’t remember exactly how it goes) lines from Stolas boil my blood because of that too. Like what the fuck do you mean? She’s your wife which according to what we’ve seen, for goetia, means owning nothing and everything going to your husband. She’s not like you Stolas. She can’t just leave like you. She has nowhere to go as far as we know except maybe her brothers but he’s a condescending creep towards her and she still wouldn’t have any control or actually own anything. Also she had Octavia to think about too with moving and leaving. Stolas’ home is Stella’s by just as much, and it’s hers by way less choice than it is Stolas’.

Why in the fuck did they make a cheated on woman with no property rights “just a bitch” the list of reasons Stella has to be rightfully angry is actually crazy. As well as the fact she owns nothing and had no choice in marrying him, she also has Stolas cheating on her in her own fucking bed! He brings other people home and fucks them on the bed she has to sleep next to him in. He is brazen and completely unapologetic about cheating on her right in her face. His lines about finding a hotel, they’re him saying he’s just sorry he got caught, that’s it. They imply he absolutely is going to do it again since his concern is just not getting yelled at for it and he has no shame in telling her that. She also has Stolas reading smut at the dinner table, saying completely inappropriate things in front of their daughter, and him calling her a bitch to Octavia.

Making Stella say she sticks around just to torment Stolas is weak. All this rage and her not wanting him to cheat yet no, she definitely doesn’t love him or care or anything she’s just mean and likes being spiteful. WHAT? She puts so much energy into all the yelling and makes all the spiteful remarks “just because”? Not because she’s hurt instead? There’s not a single thing other than random spite motivating her? It’s shit. You are right anon. All these well explored, humanized morally grey characters and yet the one with a plethora of understandable reasons for being mad isn’t allowed to be mad about any of the actual reasons she has to be. Rather she’s mean just so she can be a yaoi fanfic antagonist opposing the sexy mlm relationship. It’s transparent, childish and it’s boring. Dare I say it’s misogynistic too. It’s atrocious writing plain and simple.

#helluva boss critical #stolas critical #anti stolas #Stolas hate #hb critical #helluva boss critique #helluva boss criticism #critical stuff

[lonesome-witching]

Cold Without You

A prompt from the absolutely wonderful @sweetronancer asking for some sick Nancy ronance. Which, here it is. And with that we'll be ending my prompt week. It was a pleasure. If you are the one person that still is waiting for their prompt, I do apologize.

Do you have any prompts yourself? Or do you want to dive into what I wrote before? You can read my previous prompts or send me some new ones.

She sighed before pressing the phone against her ear. She felt terrible, her throat ached, and she was almost convinced she had a fever.

“Hello.”

She hesitated for a moment upon hearing Robin’s voice. Nancy didn’t want to cancel, she wanted to see Robin more than anything, wanted to cuddle up to her and fall asleep on her chest. But she also didn’t want to get Robin sick.

“Hi, Rob, it’s me. I think I might have to take a raincheck for tonight. I feel terrible,” Nancy pushed out. Her voice sounded hoarse and scratchy.

“Is there anything I can do? Anything you need me to bring over?” Robin asked, almost instantly.

“No, it’s alright. I’m just going to try to get some sleep.”

“Alright, I’ll see you soon, then? When you feel better?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Feel better soon, Nance.”

-

Robin had been able to stay away for at least… a few hours. By 2 P.M. Robin wandered into the Wheeler house.

Nancy had heard the door open and close. She didn’t expect it to be Robin until she walked into her bedroom. “Robin?”

“Hi, I ran into your mom at the store, and she told me you were home alone, and I thought ‘that just can’t be, she’s sick’ so I asked if she’d be okay with me coming over and making sure you were alright, and she told me where you guys keep the spare key. Which, under the doormat? Really? That’s the easiest spot. I probably would have found it even if she hadn’t told me. Anyway, how are you feeling? Have you been getting some rest?”

“Not much if I’m honest.”

“You feel that bad, huh?”

“Worse.”

“Good thing I’m here. I brought movies, medicine and soup. You’ll feel better in no time.”

“Robin,” Nancy whined softly. “I don’t want to get you sick.”

“Don’t worry about that, worry about feeling better. What would you prefer to watch, Clue or The Breakfast Club?” Robin pulled the tapes out of her backpack.

-

They had moved to the basement. Robin had put on Clue and had heated up the soup. It helped. The hot soup made her throat feel slightly less sore, the movie made her head clear up just the tiniest bit, Robin’s arms around her made her muscles feel less tense. It helped.

Nancy shuffled closer to Robin. “Thank you for being here.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t leave you alone for the world.”

“I love you,” Nancy mumbled.

She could feel Robin’s muscles tense up. Her own heart was beating heavily in her chest. She wanted to take her words back. Now was not the time. She looked up, expecting to see a frown or maybe even pity.

Instead, she saw a grin. “You do?” Robin asked.

“Yes,” Nancy said biting her bottom lip.

“I love you too.” Robin’s grin ended up being infectious and Nancy suddenly felt a whole lot better.

-

Robin was sniffling next to her. They were cuddled up together in the Wheeler basement. Robin’s forehead felt hot to the touch.

“I think I might be getting a bit sick.”

“I did warn you,” Nany replied, feeling only slightly better. Her muscles still ached and talking still hurt.

“I would say it was worth it.”

Nancy smiled, nuzzling closer to her girlfriend.

#prompts #ronance #nancy wheeler #robin buckley #my work #stranger things #fanfic #robin x nancy #nancy x robin #ficlet

[wellthebardsdead]

Lucy: *walking along side commander Zhalk as he proudly lines up some of his best men, the cambion visibly confused as his arch duchess stops and asks each of them their names and makes small talk before moving on* Yes. These men will do nicely. Listen up! When you reach the shadow cursed lands, and you will know when you reach them, trust me. Keep your moon lanterns high, guard the tieflings with your life and thus is very important. If you encounter a group called the harpers. Do not kill them! Ask them to guide you to Last light inn. Allow Zevlor or even the children to vouch for your entry if a woman named Jaheira is suspicious. And if you encounter a group of cultists belonging to the absolute. Kill on sight. No mercy. You’ll know them when you see them. But-… if a drider, is amongst them. Capture him unharmed. I need to talk with him. Alright?

The cambions: *nod* Yes your grace!

Lucy: hm, Sczark. Repeat my orders back.

Sczark: *a cambion at the end of the line, smaller than the others but still capable, quickly stands to attention* Moon Lanterns high, protect refugees, spare harpers, get to last light, kill cultists, capture drider.

Lucy: very good. Right, I’m satisfied.

Sczark: *giddly nudges the soldier next to him* she remembered my name!

Lucy: *looks to Zhalk* the cult cam hypnotise targets if they’re not careful. Make sure they’re all prepared.

Zhalk: You needn’t worry my lady. You have my word… *looks to the refugees* this is… a perplexing situation for me, you understand… You are, the polar opposite of Zariel.

Lucy: well I’ll take it as a compliment.

*several days later*

Lucy: *arrives to last light seeing everyone made it alive and safe, her cambions all flying over to greet her and the group, and all immediately drawing their weapons on jaheira as she tangled her in vines* STOP! HALT! YEILD! STAND DOWN! DROP WEAPONS! WHATEVER ELSE JUST DO IT!

Zhalk: *snarls looking equally confused and enraged at jaheira before lowering his sword along with his men*

Lucy: *sighs with relief* you sensed the tadpole right? You have one, in a jar?

Jaheira: indeed I do?… *holds it out watching it squirm*

Lucy: watch… *snaps her fingers blocking the connection*

Jaheira: how did, how did you do that?… it stopped reacting?

Lucy: I can block out the signal for now. Put it to sleep sort of… but I need it if I’m going to get into moonrise. The elderbrain these things are spawning from is there-

???: What in the hells do you think you’re doing?!

???: oh gods let them go right now!

???: they’re the ones who saved us!!

Lucy: *looks up and smiles as tears well in her eyes seeing everybody alive and coming to save them* It’s okay, I’m alright.

Zevlor: she’s the one who saved us and the emerald grove! Her cambions are the ones who brought us here!

Mol: yeah! She saved two of my friends! One from a harpy! And one from a mad druid! Didn’t leave a goblin standing neither! She didn’t make a fuss about thieving either! I pretty much trust her with my life!

Lia: You let her go right now or I’ll take you all on myself!

Rolan: that’s a terrible idea lia but- we are alive because of her… so let her go.

Cal: can everyone please just calm down-

Alfira: Calm down?! This lunatics about to kill our only hope of making it out of here alive!

Lucy: Nobody is killing anybody… not yet at least. There’s a traitor in your numbers and I know who. And I can prove it. With that very tadpole.

Jaheira: … *releases her* Let’s head inside, you’ve earned yourself the benefit of the doubt.

Lucy: *sighs with relief and nods* thank you. Let me check in with everyone and make sure they’re alright and I’ll meet you inside.

Jaheira: very well. *walks off*

Lucy: *watches them go before spotting a very worse for wear cambion amongst the numbers* Sczark? Oh sweetie pie what happened?!

Sczark: *somehow a brighter shade of red than he already is* y-you still remember me your grace?!

Lucy: of course I do what kind of boss would I be if I didn’t remember your names at Lea- oh right- *pulls out the bag of soul coins she’s accumulated, each randomly appearing for every enemy she’s killed and hands a couple to each of the cambions* here your payment- I don’t know the value is that enough?

Zhalk: *staring wide eyed at them in his palm* y-yes your majesty-

#Lucy Tav #Lucy oc #archdevil Tav #arch devil Lucy #devil Tav #devil oc #jaheira bg3

[astarlightmonbebe]

i'm only at the beginning of li tongguang's descent into obsession (eps 17-18), but already it's both hurting and hitting. hurting, because we know li tongguang's capabilities, and his level headedness, and the potential he has, that he seems to throw out due to this obsession. hitting, because when you think about it, the obsession storyline and characterization does make perfect sense. obsession like that is a double edged blade, which can turn from love to hate, childish belief and joy to embittered rage in a second.

on one hand, it's painful to watch ltg's childlike desperation when faced with ruyi again. we want to grit our teeth and think of him as idiotic, unable to take a hint. but the reality is that it's a completely normal response to be expected from him. i mean, it's a dream come true, to see the person you 'love' the most in the world to be whole in front of you. it's probably what he could only dream about, especially being the one to apparently find her bones and bury them.

on a deeper level, ltg's initial reaction is very much a manifestation of his inner child, almost peter pan-like in the 'child that never became an adult/grew up' way. by that i mean to say the desperate urge to please, the constant worrying, and the oscillation between hot and cold moods are all so indicative of someone who grew up in an insecure/unstable environment, usually with volatile or simply unavailable authority figures. from what we can gather, he had no father, his mother wasn't in his life ("she doesn't want him around, nor can she bear for him to be away, so that's why he's like that" per empress zhaojie's words to ruyi). the one authority figure that entered his life to offer some semblance of guidance was ruyi, and even though it's clear that she held care for him, she was also a twenty year old assassin used to training subordinates, not children. her mentorship style is clearly so different when you hold ltg and yang ying side by side, and we know from ruyi's own mouth that she doesn't consider herself to have taught ltg well, and wants to remedy that through/with yang ying (i'll probably make a whole different post comparing this and the affects of this after watching some more episodes lol - there are bullet points in the drafts). so even though ruyi was his authority figure, she was still an emotionally unavailable one who couldn't meet ltg on the level he probably needed at that time in his life, and which no one probably ever did. hence his up and down reaction and actions.

it intrigues me, too, because i think, in a very subtle way, ltg is very much a character foil to ruyi in that he reflects some of her worst attributes, or more accurately represents the sort of person she was, or at least acted like (yuan lu's comment about how ltg has ruyi's gaze was meaningful outside of the jealousy arc - to me at least). i saw someone make a really interesting comment on how ltg's devotion to ruyi parallels ruyi's own devotion to empress zhaojie, which i'll also probably comment on more later.

obviously, ltg's obsession stems from an issue much larger than ruyi herself - she just happens to be the unfortunate target of it. and, clearly, i know his descent into it will be ugly, if understandable. i understand ruyi wanting to leave that part of her life behind, but also - to think that maybe many of the issues faced in future eps could have been avoidable if she'd been upfront with li tongguang about her identity early on.

#star stumbles #a journey to love #一念关山 #cdrama #my thoughts #li tongguang #eps 17-18 #sorry if i jumped from one point to another this is just a stream of consciousness #and by that last sentence what i mean is that if ruyi had acknowledged him #and then told him something like 'i'm on a mission right now so don't do this or that' etc #even without explaining her situation. i think he would have been much more toned down #of course there is a chance it would have fed his delusions but really anything she did would do that #but not acknowledging him is worse in so many regards #especially when he has a whole thing (elephant in the room sized issue) about abandonment and acknowledgement #his future irrational behaviors are a child demanding to be seen/heard #which is like. embarassing! because we know his potential we saw it but now he's just reduced to this #but i think it's true to the sort of character and story he has. which is the sad part. #ok...i had one more thought but i've forgotten it twice now so uhhh #onto ep 19 in a bit. i will be cringing through it #yeah but i just can't get over his personal reaction right after leaving in ep 17 #because that is EXACTLY how children with emotionally abusive/manipulative parental figures act #the anxiety about pleasing them the dread you messed it up the desperate urge to fix it.... #it's really sticking with me #honestly some have argued that ruyi was abusive and i don't combat that but it's out of pocket #for the time period/context lol. also not really the point if that makes sense

[cheekblush]

had to leave work early bc of severe cystitis pain >:(

#this is my first time having one and i never knew that it hurts soooo bad 😭 #i'm glad i got to leave work early bc i hate working saturdays in general but i also feel guilty bc someone else had to come in & finish.. #.. my shift until 8 pm 🙃 #i really thought i could pull through but after 5 hours i just couldn't take the pain anymore even with painkillers #but now i'll get work time deficit again which is such bullshit #i really want to apply for another job bc there are so many things that bother me and are just plain unfair #and the long saturdays kill me i literally have no free time i'm always exhausted #but if i leave before my contract ends i'll have to pay back the scholarship i received.. #a few days ago a colleague that worked there for almost 14 years also quit bc she couldn't take it anymore #she did so much and to now have her leave.. it's just getting worse and worse #☁️

[steviescrystals]

i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane

(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)

#i feel so isolated from everything bc i’m not in school rn but all my friends are and 90% of the ones who are in state go to the same school #so they’re all in the same town and here i am 45 minutes away #i never get invited to anything bc 1) my friends all tend to make plans really last minute #and 2) if we want to go out and drink - which we usually do bc that’s the stage of life we’re in rn - i’d have to stay the night with #someone bc i absolutely cannot afford a 45 minute uber home and most of my friends don’t like staying over / having people stay over #so i have basically no social life and it’s only gotten worse in the past couple months since i got laid off from my main job #not only did i love that job but i loved my coworkers and work was pretty much the only time i left the house and interacted with people #and without that job i can’t even do the little solo things i used to do to cheer myself up like go see a movie #or even just go for a long drive bc i’m broke (as in i have $17 in cash to my name and am like $1000 in debt rn) #so all i do is rot in bed all day and apply for jobs that i’m overqualified for yet still don’t get hired #i barely even leave my room bc i avoid my family which just makes me feel guilty bc i love my family #but they get on my nerves so easily and most of the conversations i have with my mom end in her lecturing me about something and me crying #and on top of everything it’s just straight up embarrassing to be unemployed and completely directionless about college and living at home #logically i know i’m still very young and it’s common to live at home when you’re 20 but literally none of my friends do #i had a couple friends who lived at home for the first 2 years after high school and went to community college but by now they’ve moved out #and they’re all at universities and either graduating this year or next year meanwhile the earliest i could possibly graduate is in 2 years #i should be finishing my junior year rn but i’ve only completed my freshman year #i hated the school i was at and planned on transferring sophomore year but long story short that didn’t work out #even longer story short i ended up doing a semester each at 2 different community colleges and failed all my classes both times #and took 2 semesters off so now i’m a full 2 years behind and even though my freshman year was miserable #i’m starting to wish i stayed at that school anyway bc at least i would be at a university and accomplishing something #plus theres a huge difference between staying at home for a couple years after high school then moving out later #vs living on your own right away then having to move back home after you’ve already experienced having your own space #and on top of everything i have an older sister who’s a literal genius and graduated last year #and a younger sister who just finished her freshman year at the school i hated but she loves it and got perfect grades and made friends #so they’re both thriving and here i am living with my mom and my 13 year old brother and just completely failing at everything #i’m just so miserable and obviously moving out again and going back to school wouldn’t magically fix everything #but at least i would feel like my life was going somewhere and i wasn’t getting left behind by everyone i know #i just have no idea how to move forward and i feel like ever since high school not a single thing has gone the way i wanted it to #vent

[septimus-heap]

Thinking abt the time travel fix it fic I have spinning around in my head. Unfortunately for it to work I have to kill off basically every single character of importance which is all well and good it just feels kind of brutal

#sep talks #septimus heap #like basically all the heap brothers die in mysterious accidents. Right up to the last couple who r just obviously shot #jenna dies in almost the same way her mother did. In the throne room and marcia and septimus r there and an assassin shows up #silas+sarah also. Why?? Idk maybe it's a birthday. Maybe it's bc they're trying to figure out how to keep septimus safe bc logically #he's next. But anyway this assassin is a little sneakier than the one that shot alther. No one sees them until the last second #sarah takes a bullet for jenna. It doesn't help bc jenna gets shot anyway a second later. Marcias in a panic trying to #get silas+septimus away. Silas refuses to leave bc he's basically lost everyone he loves most #he tells marcia he'll deal with the assassin when her shield goes down. And so she practically drags septimus away so at least she can #keep him safe #and. Bc there's no queen anymore. DD takes over. Marcia still has the amulet but they have no real way to get rid of dd #marcia very nearly ends up back in dn1 at one point. Like literally standing on the edge abt to fall #they keep trying to fix things but they just. Can't. Ppl end up seeing marcia as like. Not necessarily the eow who Failed #but she couldn't stop him from showing up so what could she possibly do now #it's more pity than blame and honestly to marcia that's worse #ppl keep dying and it's so much worse than when the custodian was in charge #and anyway yeah that's what makes marcia+septimus go for the house of foryx

[kittlyns]

I had yet another long, strenuous day yesterday and didn't finish work until super late and then I couldn't fall asleep until well past 2am cuz I was in so much pain from standing literally all day

#what made it worse was the client I spent most of my day with was a brand new client. and she booked super last minute #so I wasnt mentally prepared for doing a 5 hour color. and her natural hair was already pretty light so I had to foil foil foil. go back. #pull out first couple foils. foil foil foil. go back. pull out the next few. #over and over and over. #and her hair was so fucking long. and so fucking thick. #and after the first hour she wouldn't talk. like I like my silence so I don't fight it much #but every now and then I would try to engage with her. I'd say something and she would straight up ignore me. no acknowledgment. #which makes me feel anxious cuz it's like jesus... does she hate me?? did I piss her off somehow? #even when I finished her hair (it looked fucking amazing no lie. one of my best highlights yet.) she had next to no reaction to it #she was like 'it looks fine. I mean good. it's good.' completely deadpan #I laughed it off and was like yeah it's been a long day girl! but it looks amazinggg on you!! #no response. deep inhale. alright. #whatever tho. #when I did finally get off work I stopped @ bojangles cuz I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten since morning #and when I tell you I almost broke down into tears cuz there were so many people crowding the goddamn pickup area. #and so many bizarre conversations going on. genuinely felt like I was in some form of hell #like my feet hurt. my back hurts. I'm tired. I didn't get the validation I like to have over a 5 hour transformative color. #I'm hungry and there are two elderly women blocking the pickup counter. one is hard of hearing so she keeps yelling HUH??? #and the other only speaks in soft baby whispers. that goes as well as you can imagine. #there's a man behind me grilling an employee abt whether or not he goes to church. he starts witnessing to him #and the employee says 'I've never thought about it like that before' no less than 4 times. #there's a child in front of me playing tiktoks @ full volume. and this is all happening simultaneously. #I really considered just leaving without my food but I knew I needed to eat and didnt have anything at home so I stuck it out #was it worth it? no. bojangles honestly sucks these days but what's a girl gonna do. #got home and tried to pass out but nope. tossed and turned all night. #put on hot n cold patches to try to soothe the pain a little. didn't work cuz one pain would be eased a bit and another pain would take over #blahhhhhh #and now. I get to do it all over again! yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

[just-rogi]

.

#like I’m sorry #I love my best friend so so so much and she’s perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me #and I get it she’s an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and that’s hard #and I’m not being dismissive of her struggles #but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way #and has never worried about money as a kid #and yeah her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect of course #but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book #like she did everything she can to understand and relate #but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone #because no one in my life fucking understands why I’m the way I am #and I’ve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping #I’ve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind #but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child #that are impacting by daily life and interactions #and like I feel so fucking alone #and to hear from my friends ‘your right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through this’ ISNT FUCKING HELPING #I don’t want to hear that it’s normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops #I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd #especially not therapists of color #I’m angry and I’ve been getting worse over the past two months #and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me #like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having #flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldn’t stop crying and shaking #and I told my friend I didn’t want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me #because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before #like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and I’m asking you to be with me on a very #upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis #and like you don’t even feel a little bad about it?? #I’m just upset and scared and I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m not in reality right now and that’s scary

[arolesbianism]

Thinking abt my dupe ocs again... Maybe Quinn does have hashtag issues actually

#rat rambles #oni posting #oc posting #theyre very well known and liked amongst all the colonies as y'know. they helped found all of them. #and theyve always been very friendly and kind and they have always taken their responsibilities incredibly seriously #and when they get time to be on a planet they relish it as they have a great deal of appreciation for the beauty of these worlds #but one thing that has always been a thing for them is that they've never rly had like. friends amongst these colonies #partially because of them having to travel constantly but even when they get time to hang out more theyve sort of unconsciously trained #themself to be a bit emotionaly detached from those around them #it also doesnt help that theyre a digger and usually one of like 2 or 3 on any given planetoid #which earlier on meant thar they rarely encountered other dupes and late on left then with little to do as most of the ongoing work was #already being managed by others specifically trained for the role #so the isolation started to get to them and they started to get rly antsy and didn't know why or how to fix it #when the printing pod went offline they were one of the ones more calm abt the matter due to them being generally more used to the unknown #and this combined with their general good reputation lead to a lot of dupes looking to them for direction and answers alongside burt #this actually made quinn feel rly good for a while since it was their excuse to actually talk to ppl regularly and in more personal ways #theyd hear out ppls anxieties and ideas and newest passions and goals and theyd actually feel like theyre hearing the words said #they liked the feeling of everyone wanting to be around them and seeking them out even on other planetoids #they'd get phone calls and people taking breaks from their work to come say hi and it made them feel real #but as time went on and their fellow dupes became more and more self reliant they began to seek them out less and less #because why bother someone so important and busy when you dont need to right? #and this lead to quinn going wait no why did you all leave me again :( #it felt like before but worse because now they actually had started considering a lot of these guys friends #and they still had no idea how to reach out themself without a work reason and as such they sorta started dissolving again #and its during this time when they start missing the pod and start to get more upset that shes gone #they end up returning to the original partially to be closer to her and partially because it feels the most like home to them #there they start to slowly learn to reach out themself as they sort of sit in a corner watching burt work while shaking like a small dog #this at first is very unwanted by burt who is stressed as hell but they end up forcing him to stick to an actual shift instead of just #working until he passes out and this allows them to hang out while they force him to have downtime with them to keep him from exploding #it becomes a nice comfort time for them both as they rly havent hung out much since the first like 100 cycles or so

[hearties-circus]

I kinda feel like I've just hard erased any happiness or elation I had from being done with school all just so I wouldnt get asked a stupid question anymore I hate this I hate this

#gamer txt. #not once have i actually fucking wanted to go to college this was just the only way to make ppl stop asking me about jobs #but im realising now that was a stupid decision and i hate that i made it i hate tgat i had the chance to back out and didnt #the only thing that made school worth it before was my friends that was the only time id get to see them #now im going back to school completely without them like a fucking idiot #i know college is different from highschool i get that and i do want to learn fab weld but fuck me this was dumb #i know damn well im not going to make any new friends during this course im more terrified of people than ive ever been #and i stick out from my class like a sore thumb #whats worse is my nervousness from this has started fucking with my appetite and hunger and that is the worst possible thing it could do #that is like the number one way to break me #im already in such a vulnerable state i do not need constant fucking reminders of trauma i cant fucking escape #and im meant to just be normal and be a person and go to class on monday? #im this close 👌 to just dogging it. im pretty sure ill be getting the train in like i could full well just fuck off and leave #its not like they have my mums number she wouldnt know any different from what i told her #can i not just stay in the purgatory of being a teen old enough to be done with school but young enough to not have a job forever ? #please? im not ready for this im not i couldnt be less ready for this why did i let myself succumb to this pressure? i hate it #g-d i havent cried in. months now. this feels so. this is too much this is way too much fot me i cant do this #i dont know how i thought i could when the hell have i ever been able to do something like this on my own #theres nothing to me on my own i dont have any confidence i dont have any strength i need my friends for that and i dont have them