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shantechni · 10 months

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"2012 Mikey is Abused" and other constant complaints that, quite frankly, don't make sense

Since one Reddit user (who shall remain anonymous) inadvertently made me type out an essay I intended to write and post in a more coherent manner at a later date, I will be using their comment and my response.

Anyways, the comment itself starts off fairly normal and agreeable:

But then I see the next three points and my sleep-deprived mind just goes off the rails, so let's start with the second point:

Let me preface this by saying I absolutely do not condone the writing here because everyone under the sun will agree that we could've easily had the "Karai is our sister!?" plot twist without Leo and Karai briefly developing feelings for each other.

The problem is that this brief development of feelings is wildly blown out of proportion by the fandom, so much so that it makes it seem as though Leo and Karai actually had anything legitimate going on between them.

The "incest-eqsue garbage" between Leo and Karai is almost nonexistent outside of the writing room. They openly crush on each other for a whopping six episodes by way of verbally teasing each other and being at odds before Karai tells Leo that she's the Shredder's daughter. That's it. He is not pursuing her after that (hardly ever did, not even to the extent that Donnie pursues April) and Karai isn't remotely fond of him anymore after he broke their deal. Then, after we find out alongside Splinter that she's actually his daughter, he tells Leo towards the end of Follow the Leader. We don't get a reaction, actually nothing on Leo's side since the Foot Clan is mostly absent with April being the main point of conflict, even in Target: April O'Neil because April's forgiveness of the turtles is the main focus.

Leo eventually attempts to tell Karai the truth in Wormquake! and The Manhattan Project and she obviously doesn't believe the poor guy, she just wants to kill the turtles and Splinter at this point. Leo doesn't tell her because "he still likes her", but because, in his own words, it would change everything. She deserves to know the truth and Splinter shouldn't have his own daughter cursing him at every waking moment. When she tricks the gang into bringing her to the lair under the guise of her finally accepting the truth, Leo is ecstatic and his first thought is for her and Splinter to make amends. He's upset that Raph still can't fully trust her in the end when she fought alongside them (who can blame Raph though, he's cradling an unconscious brother after a plan gone awry), and that's the end of that.

They dedicate two episodes to the guys attempting to rescue her because Leo has enough brain cells to worry about what the Shredder could be doing with her, and Raph makes a jab at Leo on one instance when they find her (there is absolutely no romantic undertone, Raph just picks at his old crush on her and their tendency to tease each other at the worst times). Then, when she wants to get back at the Shredder for ripping her away from a life she never knew was her's, Leo attempts to aid her because he knows it isn't wise to face someone like that alone, especially with his henchmen there.

There's one last self-aware jab at their past feelings in S5, of which Karai awkwardly remembers and forgoes mentioning, and that's the last you see or hear of that.

As much as I dislike it, I'd take this narrative over the Donnie-April-Casey hurricane any day.

It seems that 2012 Mikey's mere existence is a sore spot for fans because Jesus Christ this gets brought up way too much.

Mikey is not written as a complete idiot, he's written as someone who doesn't see a reason to take everything so seriously, has odd habits, and doesn't always think things through, yet is shown to be highly capable and intelligent when the situation calls for it. Yes the writers left much to be desired at times, but to say they wrote him to be a "complete idiot" and left it at that is just offensive. I'll ignore all the miraculous things Mikey can do with Kraang stuff and Dimension X and focus on what other things he's shown to be capable of.

Mikey was a temporary learning model for Donnie in how to fight without thinking, or in better terms, how to fight instinctually without becoming bogged down by your own mind. Splinter's lesson is shown in a comedic manner, but that's ultimately what helped Donnie defeat Falco.

Another interesting thing is his ability to keep his composure when no one else around him can do so. I mentioned this briefly in another post, but it really stands out to me how he put Leo at the top of his priority list in Invasion Part 2. He's as worried for Splinter as Raph and Donnie are, but they have with them a crippled and unconcious Leo who needs medical attention asap, compared to martial arts master Splinter who's older and wiser than the three of them combined at times. Even when they eventually find Splinter and lose him, he keeps the gang in line by reminding them, as well as himself, that Splinter can take care of himself.

Along with that is when Splinter was kidnapped in The Manhattan Project. Mikey was quick to intervene when Raph was angry with Leo for allowing Tiger Claw to coax him into calling Splinter, and he reminded the two of the problem at hand: they have Splinter, let's go find him and take him back. There are so many other moments when he becomes the levelheaded one in response to the chaos or disorder surrounding him.

Mikey is a highly skilled fighter, he's emotionally intelligent, he remembers the weirdest things that eventually aid the team, he's street smart, he's a fast learner (ex: Bradford's secret kata, as well as the temporary use of the plasma katana in Target: April O'Neil), he's great at distracting enemies without needing to become bait, he gets insecure about things, he has photographic memory, he's the most outgoing of his brothers and therefore ends up with the most friends, he's quick to adapt to a situation and think of a plan, he can throw together seemingly random ingredients to create exactly what Donnie would struggle to create, he knew exactly what to do to find Casey after his run-in with Tiger Claw, the list goes on.

Heck, just to add to this, Mikey is the one who saves the day in three separate stories in S5. 1) His temporary electric powers save the world from Dregg and the Newtralizer, 2) he convinced Frankenstein's monster to join their side, retrieved the scepter from Savanti and Dracula (he accidentally broke the scepter while he was at it, but that helped) and cured Raph and Donnie of their vampirism, and 3) he was the one who repaired Kavaxas' seal and made him reopen the portal to the Netherworld so the dead could return.

The brothers don't always take him as seriously as they should or listen to him, and that's understandable at times, but when they do, they're reminded of the fact that Mikey, in his own way, is intelligent.

If I had a dime for every comment I've seen about this, I'd be rich enough to buy the TMNT series from Viacom and right every wrong they made with the 2012 series.

These abuse allegations are as bad as people putting Markiplier in the same tweet as problematic Youtubers and saying something wild like, "these content creators should've been cancelled a long time ago." I feel like people who say the brothers abuse Mikey are either an only child or genuinely have a warped sense for what actually counts as abuse, and I'm not even trying to be mean, those are just my thoughts. I shouldn't even have to comment on this, but the fact that people are still seriously believing that to this day is shocking.

Would you also like to say that Raph was abused in Turtle Temper when Splinter had the boys ceaselessly taunt him in that little exercise? Or that the boys abused Raph everytime they downplayed his anger? Or that Raph abused Donnie by threatening to hit him if he didn't find Snakeweed's hideout? Or that Leo abused Donnie everytime he stressed him out by rushing him for answers? Or that Donnie abused Mikey because Mikey flinched 2cm to the right when Donnie raised his hand to playfully knock at his noggin? Or that Leo was abused by the team because they took forever to view him as their leader? Or that Splinter abused the boys because he was "too rough" on them during training?? Or that April abused Donnie because she "constantly led him on"? Or that Xever and Bradford abused Baxter???

I'm losing my mind over here

Mikey is never physically or emotionally abused by his brothers, the show speaks for itself. But if you somehow aren't listening, go look up a textbook example of abuse, or better yet, look at Karai.

Abuse is the Shredder locking Karai in a dungeon when she tries to escape to her real family and going so far to become a peak manipulator by saying Karai was hurting him by making him lock her away. Worse than that, he starts brainwashing her with mind controlling worms so she has no choice but to obey him. Even before then, he's lowkey uncaring of her wellbeing: he treats her like any other soldier of his and doesn't listen to her when she tries to tell him something. He doesn't address her concerns about the Foot bots nearly finishing her off, instead telling her, "disobedience comes with a stiff penalty, especially for my daughter," when she objects to him telling her not to take action against the turtles while he's gone.

He only ever pays her any attention or gives her praise when it benefits him and his vendetta against Splinter.

Splinter and the turtles are the farthest thing from the image of a family filled with abusers. Raph openly apologizes to Mikey when Splinter tells him to stop picking at him in Shellacne, Raph comforts Donnie when the brainiac is somber after forcing Timothy into the equivalent of a cold sleep, Raph apologizes when his anger gets the better of him and he hits Leo harder than intended, Donnie apologizes when he realizes he shouldn't insult Raph when the guy is visibly upset, Leo regrets doubting Donnie about Metalhead, etc., etc.

Even beyond apologies, Raph is the quickest to entertain Mikey and vice versa during a mundane moment, Donnie never kicks Mikey out of the lab, Leo plays around with Mikey when the situation doesn't call for him to be their fearless leader, and Splinter is quick to advise Mikey during Karai's Vendetta and Shellacne. There are even times when the guys just go along with Mikey's antics because there's no harm in doing so, and often times Mikey needs a moment to be silly.

If you think play fighting, teasing, or getting a little physical with a sibling is the equivalent of abuse, particularly in the context of TMNT of all things, you need to do some re-evaluation.

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morfinwen · 7 months

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So. Things are ... going.

My overall emotional state is kinda like when something falls from a high place and lands on something between it and the ground and stabilizes after wobbling: it's not great or even good, but it isn't shattered pieces on the ground.

I have never been particularly good at discerning my own state of mind or distinguishing between the causes and effects thereof. Allergies are still a thing but mostly in check, and while it's fun (after a fashion) to blame the cold and frankly ridiculous early darkness, that's been a thing for years and i don't recall always having an emotional collapse this time of year, so it might be something else. (I hope it's something else: can't really afford to move somewhere less affected by the earth's tilt, and i'd rather not have to deal with this level of depression annually.)

Currently on the new job hunt. Weirdly enough, there's the occasional high of seeing a job posting that sounds really good, but sadly it is often followed by the low of seeing how many other people have also applied for it. I have resorted to adding (*gag*) a cover letter with most applications in the hopes that will make an impact. Next step may be "reaching out to the employer", but i really hope it doesn't come to that.

Computer is up and running again, and my phone has been replaced -- with the latter, there's adjustments to be made in the change to a different model, but at least i can actually use it for phone calls and don't have to worry that restarting it will necessitate a factory reset.

So! Prayer requests:

First and foremost, a new job. I would really like a work-from-home data entry kind of position, but there's multiple factors at play, so just .... anything that would be a better fit than my current job.

That whatever is messing with my emotions would just ... not do that anymore? Tbh i can't tell if i've got some actual mental illness going on or just the garden-variety kind of thing that plagues "normal" people.

Continuing to make progress with helping my sister achieve what independence she can.

I'm going to start going back to the gym this week (haven't been in the last two weeks), but eating healthy remains a problem.

A couple appointments i should be making ... really don't want to.

My mom had a particular genetic (defect? malfunction? unsure of the correct term) that probably contributed to her getting cancer. It's hereditary, so i recently got blood drawn to be tested for the same. Please pray for results to be quick and that i didn't inherit it.

Oh, and there's some writing i really want to do, but it's been a while since i've really been able to find a writing groove, and it's only gotten harder to attempt now that i've quit using Google Docs.

That's all i got for now. Someday, maybe, i will start queuing posts again.

#personal #prayer request #morfinwen rambles #now to eat and maybe shower before going in to work

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oldguy56-world · 10 months

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300

This is a celebratory blog in a way since it is the 300th I have written. To be honest I thought I would run out of material a long time ago but it just goes to show that I can fool people by using a lot of 'the' 'and' and other common words to make my meager thoughts seem more in depth due to their length.

To honor this occasion I have put together a list of other issues where 300 comes into play or has come into play during my life. Indulge me please.

The number of hairs I still have on my head, and like the brave Spartans in the movie they are fighting for their lives to maintain their position. Heroes all.

The number of shirts I have ruined by spilling food on them. If you think this number is low I am only counting the ones since my wife and I got married because quite frankly I never paid attention to this before she came along.

The number of people I have pissed off. I don't mean to but sometimes it just happens. Luckily I have met more than ten times that number so the odds are still in my favor. I promised my wife that when it starts to get to 50-50 I will lock myself in the condo and never speak to people again. This is her greatest fear as it leaves only her to deal with me.

How old I feel some mornings when I wake up. The floor seems ten feet away, I think I have gone blind until I remember it is only 2:00am and I am getting up to pee only and I can't find the bed when I am finished.

The number of idiots I have met in my life. Funny how that syncs with the number of people I have pissed off as there is a massive crossover of the two groups. They are everywhere and the number would be higher if I were to meet them but I have learned the signs and am great at avoidance.

The number of important things I have forgotten. Could be more but, well I just don't remember.

The number of times I can't find my glasses even though they are on my head. My wife used to laugh at this but now I find her googling places that she can send me to where there might be help.

The number of weeks I have gone without eating a donut. Yep, I quit cold turkey. How, you might ask, was I able to do this? Cookies.

The number of interns that have gone missing since I started blogging. Numbers were high early as when some went missing I would send the new ones to look for them. This just increased the number. I have learned my lesson.

The number of times I have had to change outfits before we go out. My wife used to tell me that I should. She doesn't have to anymore because I can see it in her eyes. Marriage syncs you.

The number of times I have sworn this will be my last blog. One of these days it will be true.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: If you enjoy doing something, keep doing it as long as it does not hurt someone else. When you don't enjoy it anymore, stop. Sometimes Life is simple that way.

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cupofwater6 · 2 years

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Thinkin bout finale again a little long

My thoughts on the finale waver a lot. I wonder what I'd feel about BB's finale if I was following that live, because when I watched it I felt like it tied up some loose ends, gave Walter a chance to say his true feelings, but at the same time awarded him a lot of convenience and chances, like he's done all this shit but he's dying with several bows tied up and ready for his family, and freed Jesse. It is definitely complete, but Walter is now dead and the rest still have to deal with their shattered lives no matter what he's done to fix it in the last minute. I felt at that point he wins and dies with a more free mind

So I feel kind of hmm at BCS finale. I understand it's a sacrifice he made alongside freeing his conscience and not a redemption. Jail isn't fixing or redeeming anything but it's the avenue he walked down when he decided to do all this shit with Walter. If there was to ever be a jail ending this is the only one I'd accept since going with the 7.5 years meant turning himself into a hapless victim of Walter and yet again folding his personality away. So I'm glad he spoke his truth and it didn't feel like a bleak ending at all, more like one with open doors at the end of a dark hallway. Self actualization and all of that, revisiting his thoughts about Chuck instead of just holding it in and pretending it doesn't exist. Baring his soul to Kim instead of hiding behind closed and locked up boxes of feelings. At the same time I just struggle to word why I don't feel 100% with it. Maybe my hesitance has nothing to do with fairness or what Jimmy deserves. He does not *deserve* to go to jail and get his 100 lashes because of his actions, nothing the American legal system puts upon people will retroactively help the victims or change the perpetrator's mentality. And he didn't confess to uphold the law, at that point the law was negligible he just said what happened truthfully, longer sentencing be damned. He wasn't a victim of Heisenberg, he was an accomplice and he stood by that. But I don't feel like the point was "the ending = the life Jimmy deserves" it's more of a consequence to the path of self acceptance that he chose IMO like driving off a road to a new horizon and your car getting scratched up and torn by this new path. Sure jail isn't easy. I hate the notion of it being redemption. But I've read some people's thoughts who didn't like the ending and I quite frankly feel confused about thinking his life in jail would be painful like physically and he'd be bored or whatever at best and go through harrowing soul breaking shit at worst, since they purposefully showed some jail utopia, that isn't why I feel not totally on board (mainly. The jail thing I just can't say my true mind because I hate jail but maybe that is too meta to mention). They went ahead and showed him chilling. So I feel confused. And a lot of those discussions I read paint Chuck so one-dimensionally. I don't think Jimmy is a person born out of the way Chuck treated him and I don't care which side was the most right, I felt the flashback was there to show there is no sides and both of them are fucked up in the head. I don't know how to end this I'm thinking aloud and stream of consciousness writing again. I still enjoyed the journey, and where Kim ended up, and I'm ride or die mcwexler but also the fact that she gains her independence again made me happier, she came back to him on her own terms and she returned to her passions. So Kim decides to not punish herself and Jimmy is not hiding from himself anymore but gets punished. But it's not like he put it upon himself purposefully. So this is why I'm all mixed up I guess.

Hours later I am adding that I don't think the show ever portrayed the law as a just and upstanding thing, yes even with Kim's pro bono work. Here are people who are detained jailed and accused of crimes, some of her clients being innocent (the air freshener case) but he still has to go through this whole court process, and the other lawyers look down on pro bono work's pay and heaviness... Otherwise, the police and the law are bumbling and incompetent up till the very end and hilariously so since they were about to handwaive their (stupid) racketeering charges. So Jimmy walking into the trap of the law feels like. Like why. Is emotional freedom from turmoil and repression worth going through that. Not a trap more like walking into the jaws of the lion. I didn't know what an ADX meant so I am learning that they chose to portray a jail like that in a fantastical way. So then you can't even bring it up maybe

I mean I will still reblog the cute 'aw she visits aw they get out' posts but it won't change how I have to suspend disbelief a bit too much, I can't seperate my feelings about the law from the show lol

#ramble

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hallelujahmeatgod · 3 years

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"Do you want to talk about it?"

KEN "DRAKEN" RYUGUJI X READER

+word count: 1580

+warning/s: cursing

+genre: kinda fluff, kinda comedic

"He's in his room and he haven't left that damn room since he arrived"

"He didn't even spare a glance around like he'd usually do, he just went straight to his room. He'd usually help around first before disappearing in there"

You nodded in understanding, looking around the brothel which just opened a few minutes ago.

The people at the brothel called you out of concern for Draken, saying he's been moody and not his usual self. They asked you if you know as to why he's acting the way he is but you haven't got a clue yourself. Quite frankly, you haven't seen Draken yourself for a few days since you've been taking care of family matters.

They asked you to come by since you haven't been in the brothel for quite a while, also to talk to Draken since none of them wanted to deal with him.

"I honestly don't have a clue, but I'll try talking to him. I tried asking Mikey about it but that kid isn’t any help either" You replied, giving them a soft smile for reassurance.

You asked Mikey about Draken before you went to the brothel but that kid just gave you a petty answer, so you're convinced that they're not the bestest of friends right now.

"Honestly, what would we do without you? Anyway, go and talk to his moody ass cause he's getting a little annoying for our liking. Then when you guys are done come out here and let's catch up and eat the snacks you bought!"

You nodded and made your way to his room. Thankfully he didn't lock his door so you were able to just enter. You were expecting to see him splayed on his bed or be working out but he's nowhere to be seen.

"Ken" You called out softly. No reply.

You set your school bag on the ground and walked further into his room. Just when you're about to walk past the bathroom you hear water gently splashing a bit inside.

You slowly opened the door and there he was in the tub, head resting back on the tub facing the ceiling, with his eyes closed. You can tell he's not relaxed at all because of the tensed muscles on his arm and his furrowed brows.

"That tub looks relaxing yet there you are still looking like you're about to fight someone" You said to get his attention. You leaned on the door frame as his eyes shot open.

"Y-Y/n" He said, looking a bit surprised, sitting up straight from the tub.

"Ken" You gave him a small smile.

"What are you doing here?"

"Am I not allowed here anymore?" You asked not too seriously.

"You are. You always are. It's just that you seem busy these days" He looked down at the water.

"I'm sorry for not being around, Ken" You gave him an apologetic look.

He shook his head lightly, still looking down at the water. "No need, I understand"

You stayed silent and just observed him. How he's looking intensely at the water, that you swear he could probably boil that water right now just by staring at it. How he's muscles are still nowhere near relaxed. How his breathing isn't steady. How his brows are still furrowed. And how his lips pout a little bit.

You pushed yourself from the door frame, walked up to him and crouched down beside the tub so that you're eye level with him.

"Ken, what's troubling you?" You asked, putting your hand on his nape and caressing it.

He slowly looked at you, looking vulnerable. A sight no one often gets to see, even you. It honestly pains you a little to see such a look from such a strong, stern man who's always got his composure.

He sighs, leaned over the tub and drops his head on your shoulder. "I-I... I'm just not that okay nowadays. I don’t even know anymore.” He admitted.

You hummed in understanding, caressing his nape all the way to his hair, pulling his hair tie to let his hair loose. You ran your hand through his hair, untangling some knots, and for the first time since you saw him he relaxed. You saw his shoulders drop slowly as he let out a breath.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's just so many things bugging my mind. Life here in the brothel, the gang, and other things. It's just one of those phases wherein everything dawns upon you" He sighs, lifting his head just to hide it on the crook of your neck.

"I texted Mikey before going here and he just gave me a petty reply. That also bothering you?" You asked, massaging water on his head to hopefully help him cool down.

"Yeah, we ended up arguing cause he’s not in a good mood and so am I. It's all just chaos in my head right now really" He groans, lifting his arms from the tub and wrapping them around you. You're a little soaked now but you didn't mind, all that matters is him.

He hugged you tighter and tighter until you guys were literally flushed against each other, soaking you more.

"I'm sorry, it's just that I badly wanted to just go to you, to seek refuge in you and just to lay and hold you like this, to calm my mind. But I knew you were dealing with family stuff and that it means a lot to you, so I just bottled it all in."

"It's okay" You pulled away just enough to see his face. You held his face in your hand and caressed his cheeks. "I'm sorry I wasn't around. But now I'm here, you don't have to go through such tough times on your own. It’s okay to feel sad sometimes, just take your time, I’ll wait for you'' You smiled, making him smile. You kissed the corner of his mouth making him roll his eyes. He pulled you on a proper kiss, sighing against your lips.

"Thank you" He said when you pulled away. "Thank you for always being by my side and showing me affection even though I tend to suck at it and sharing my feelings. Just how would I repay you"

"Repay me by relaxing properly, dropping the attitude towards other people, and reconciling with Mikey" He groaned at the last part which made you chuckle.

"What? You'd be doing the gang a favor if you take the initiative, Ken. We all know Mikey wouldn't dare do it, and the longer you guys aren't besties the more agonizing it'll be for the rest of the gang. Imagine the captain and the vice captain being petty, ugh, I already feel bad for all of them" You said humorously, making him pull away completely and sit back on the tub as he pouts.

"I'm always doing it." He pouted even more.

You chuckled, ruffling his hair. "You know Mikey can be an extreme kid when he's not beating up someone."

"Why do I always have to be the bigger person?" He said under his breath.

"I mean you are 6'1 and Mikey's only 5'3"

"You're lame" He immediately countered before laughing lightly, making you laugh too. If being lame means you'll get to hear this giant laugh, well maybe being lame isn’t too bad.

"IS THAT THE GIANT'S LAUGH THAT I HEAR?!" You heard someone say from the outside. Suddenly the door burst open revealing Remi.

Draken rolled his eyes, flipping her off and she flipped him off too.

"Now that the giant doesn't seem like an asshole anymore Y/n let's go and catch up!" She grinned, pulling you up and out of the bathroom, not giving you time to reply.

"Hey! You can't just take her away!" Draken protested, standing up from the tub quickly wrapping his towel around his waist.

He grabbed your wrist and pulled you, restricting Remi from pulling you away. He and Remi immediately looked at each other with daggers as they kept on pulling you. At this point they could definitely cut your body in half.

"Well I already am, what are you gonna do about it?" Remi spat.

"Umm….Pull her away from you? You midget" Draken spat back but more calmly, which is honestly annoying. It's always the most annoying when people talk back in a calm manner...or is that just me?

"At least I'm not as moody as you. You act way worse than a woman on her period or a pregnant lady!"

They went back and forth with you still in between them. For every comeback they kept on pulling you.

"OKAY! Kindly shut the fuck up you two?" You smiled sarcastically at both of them, pulling your arms from them. They both pouted and huffed like little kids, turning away from each other.

"I'll go with Remi now since it has been a while since I saw them." You said, making Remi light up and Draken give you an offended look.

"WHAT--" Draken was about to protest but Remi burst into laughter pulling you to the door. You shrugged at Draken as he gave you a narrowed look and mouthed "traitor"

"Oh-- and when you're done, change the bulb in the lounge room, jerk!" She stuck her tongue out.

"Seriously, when will I ever catch a break-- you know what? Just get out you two!" He groaned, making you and Remi laugh.

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hhjs · 3 years

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love or lack thereof.

pairing — felix x reader

genre / trope — angst, fluff / exes with benefits.

word count — 7.7k

warnings — suggestive, heavy implications, swearing, some making out but no actual r rated stuff but i will say this is suitable for 18 and up audiences.

note — this is unedited, subject to change. spare me lol

There are two sides to every person. The side that you want people to see and the side that you keep to yourself.

You think you've come to discover all those aspects of Lee Felix. Given that he's sweet, unassuming and inexplicably kind to the naked eye but you know, the rising anger in you knows he's only ever been cruel to you.

"Move," you seethe, he moves to let you in but you unintentionally knock your shoulder against his. There's people on the subway, and you hate the way Felix's innocent gaze finds yours for a second and it makes you look like the bad guy.

You feel the disapproving glare of a grandma who has a crumpled catalogue about seasonal pie recipes on her lap, as if she can't believe how much of a cunt you were being to an absolute stranger.

A roll of eyes follows, fishing for your ear phones, if only they knew.

Seeing your ex boyfriend outside of your casual deal hits you with the force of a punch to the gut. But you hid it exceptionally well. Arrogantly jutting your chin upwards. Whilst he cowers beside you, having supposedly caught your sour mood.

To think you had spent an hour with him in a bedroom just formerly...is rather strange. You've been sleeping with him for the past few months now and where it had begun is slightly mysterious to you — was it Chan's birthday party or a clubbing gone wrong one night stand just after Felix had come back to town....? You aren't entirely sure.

Albeit the arrangement is ingrained in your head — what you have with him is a secret strictly kept from your friends who otherwise if even caught air of a mere conversation between you two would invite an influx of queries. This is simple, physical, you don't have time for a relationship, let alone one with him and to mend how utterly lonely you are with someone who hasn't already seen you naked, someone who you couldn't blindly trust, is too much work.

Even though Felix is indubitably affected by your unwavering indifference, something he wasn't used to when you were together because of how giving you were to sate his utterly needy tendencies. Now he feels himself clawing at your hardened exterior in search of just those affections to no actual avail —hurt crossing his eyes when you sneak out of bed without saying goodbye, when days pass and you don't call or text and most importantly, when you're in public and you can't be bothered to spare him as much as a glance. To you, it's nothing more and nothing less. You make it a necessity to keep reminding him.

See you liked to pretend you're a resilient person. That in your heart you really do forgive people and move on.

But he is an exception.

"Did you eat?" He perks up, his voice is small. Careful.

You keep your stoic expression, looking ahead. "No."

Then he blinks, like he usually does when he doesn't understand why you act the way you do. Impolite, communicating only in monosyllables.

Do you really hate him that much?

There's a hoodie pulled over his black hair, longer along the neck,headphones dangling from his neck and his backpack in his hand, he hopes when he holds onto the same railing as you are, that your fingers should brush just a little.

Despite the way you adamantly ignore him, Felix opens his mouth to utter a passing inquiry. Your jaw clenches. And you desperately begin to scan the city map plastered inside to navigate passengers to their destinations.

"Can we...do you want to get something to eat..." He swallows, "together?"

As if he's crazy for even making such a proposition, you look at him once but from the corner of your eye and he thinks that's a lot considering how often you look past him, through him, never at him. You shake your head, giving him a warning stare.

Across from you, his reflection is frowning at your negative response. Still staring at you with a marveling gleam in his eyes, how much you've changed over the past two years just as he has....still takes him by surprise. Suddenly and unexpectedly, his eyes flicker to yours and he finds you staring at his image against the glassed doors. And like a deer caught in headlights, your heart drops to the depths of your stomach.

The announcement above falls deaf to your ears as you exit in a blind rush of sheer panic. Ignoring the biting cold and unfamiliar station. Your stop is still quite far. Maybe you'd have to take the taxi... or walk.

But in the face of all those hassles you sense yourself feeling incredibly relieved...because frankly, you think, you could go to hell and back if gets you away from him.

—

"So you came to tell me you're just gonna give up? Is that it?"

Felix carefully glances at you through his lashes, silently pursing his lips as to convey the answer.

You stare at the speckles of light kissing up his freckled cheeks, his big beaming eyes, a slightly low bridge but rounded tip of his nose paired with a small upturned mouth.

You can't believe you won't see him again.

Whenever he'd catch a break, he'd take the 2 hour bus to town and come see you, meet you and those once in six months meetings alone, to you, compensated for his lengthy absence.

So it couldn't be the distance, you thought, if that were the case he'd have dumped you when he moved to the capital for university.

Felix just doesn't want to be with you anymore.

"You don't get it...." He closes his eyes, as if he doesn't want to see himself saying what he is about to say, you almost don't get the resistance in his tone. The subtle drop of his Adam's apple. "I don't want to hurt you." He starts, "Just think about this rationally... we're so young, what if I find someone else there?"

Someone...else?

Is it that easy to dispose of you? Aren't you enough?

How foolish of you to only ever think of him.

It felt like Felix was kicking you where knew would hurt the most.

Your sardonic laugh is cracked, garbled and it's so fucking embarrassing that you're crying in the middle of a fast food joint, your fries have gone cold. Had you known seeing him this time would be vastly different from usual, you wouldn't have ordered at all. Why didn't he tell you before? Why had he insisted on catching you unawares?

But then again...this isn't about you at all. This is about Lee Felix. This is about him reducing your worth to make room for himself.

Ultimately, you understand, what is worse than not being loved back is being loved by someone who doesn't love you as much as you do them.

"Well I won't stand in your way then,"

You clear your throat,

"Fuck..." you rub your temple, the sadist in you coughing up hysterical laughs. The ache inside your heart at this point has turned into physical pain, cracks fissuring out against its surface and gnawing at the flesh like its being torn apart at the seams.

You should've seen this coming.

Everyone told you and told you you could only drag on an opposites attract sort of relationship for so long before you start to realise how incompatible you are.

Felix has the audacity to reach over and place his fingertips on your knuckles,his eyes are sad, overflowing with pity. It makes you feel small, the way he looks at you, small, sad and abandoned.

What tips you over the edge, however, is how calm he seems, as if he had been precisely planning to dump you for days and months and years while you continue to make a fool out of yourself never have forseen his decision.

There are tears running down your cheeks, abusing your vision with a vicious sting. You bring your sleeve to collect the needless moisture in a sudden rise of temper that is oh so typical of you.

You snatch your hand away from his touch.

"Don't touch me." You say, the simple comment transfers pain to Felix's eyes, mouth parting in silent words. You want to scream at him, you want to shake him by the collar and tell say something, just say anything at all and I will forgive you. Goddamnit.

In a perfect world, you think, a world where things happened exactly the way they should, you wouldn't have said, instead,

"And don't you fucking dare come back here...ever again."

And...in that very perfect world, he would've listened.

—

Felix thinks he could, dare he say, love everything about you. Even though you most certainly deserve someone who hasn't hurt you the way he has.

Now it's funny actually, how the tables have turned...back then, he wasn't sure about you and now you aren't about him.

Felix doesn't really blame you though...because he knows he asked for it.

Your presence in his life has somehow become an absolute necessity to say the least. And ironically enough, while he had so confidently pushed you to let go of him, he realises he had been holding onto you all along.

Now what was he saying...again?

Right. Felix loves everything about you.

But what he loves most...is the way your hand instinctively finds his heart when you're kissing. It's just a simple movement of your fingers splaying against his chest, the warmth of them seeping through the fabric of his shirt. He doesn't even know why it means so much to him.

His hand drops from your ass to the back of your thighs to situate you closer to his chest. He moans into the kiss when your teeth comes to scrape against his bottom lip, your ministrations are typically rough and speedy but he is seemingly far too absorbed by the exhilarating feeling coursing throughout his entire form — it's not just blatant lust, he knows, but a much deeper understanding that he is inexplicably gladdened by the fact that he's touching you and you're touching him.

A shaky breath leaves Felix's parted lips as he cranes his neck to allow your lingering kisses to shift along his angular jaw.

Then without quite meaning to, his vision focuses on the table clock that reads it's well past midnight...you had run late tonight for reasons you neglected to disclose. Now that he really focuses, a strong musky fragrance akin to unfamiliar men's cologne wafts up his nostrils.

It couldn't be....

As Felix's suspicions run deeper, he restlessly begins to search up every aspect of his surroundings as best as he can in the limited provision of light. There is a large coat discarded on his bed, one he hasn't seen you wear before...then again it might not be yours at all...

You notice how he's stopped responding to you, so you pause, leaning back, still on his lap. "Is something the matter?"

Felix swallows, blinking up innocently at you. This deal is simple, isn't it? He knew what he was getting into the first time you got together and the second and the third and so on, so why had the possibility of you getting involved with someone else even bother him then?

Both of you knew why.

And what's worse is that Felix is sensitive by nature, never truly succeeding to hide his emotions, especially intense ones when faced with them. So he is hyper aware of the fact that what he is feeling in the moment is not jealousy, it's neither anger nor resentment but a deep seated insecurity that he will lose you.

Again.

"Were you...with someone?"

As expected, your hands resign from cupping his face, you avoid looking at him.

"What?"

Felix clears his throat, his accent thicker, voice heavy from disuse. He thinks about something being with you in the same way only he has...and it causes a dull ache inside his chest.

He rests his head back against the sofa and shrugs lazily. As if to prove a point, as if to say did he touch you here? his fingers ride up your t shirt, gently cupping your ribs, he tries not to look too satisfied when you quiver under the touch.

Still you lift yourself up and the sudden lack of contact almost makes him whine.

You stand before him. A hand at your hip.

"Why are you acting like this?" You say and he notes you sound more... curious than annoyed. Though what frustrates him is that you hadn't answered his question. "I thought I made myself clear...there are rules we agreed upon."

Oh he knows — no staying over, no personal questions, no jealousy.

Felix purses his lips. The downside of your forwardness, the same utterly admirable trait he finds really fucking hot, the one that conditions you to tell Minho off when he hogs all of Felix's brownies though the latter himself is too much of a pushover to say anything, the same one which had in times of recurring doubtfulness assured him of your strong feelings towards him, is that you say whatever comes to mind without sparing anyone's feelings.

"I'm just asking, [........]," he lies, trying to control the pain from projecting itself onto his voice. It hurts to see the way you jump to defend yourself around him, as though you're scared he'll hurt you again. The lack of faith you have him, after all this time, causes him hurt. "Why are you getting so upset...."

Felix is gentle. Communicating his feelings through his actions rather than words, cooly, slowly. And you are the exact opposite — there is an immediacy in your conveyance, a roughness. You mean what you say and you say what you mean so you think everyone does too. Which is why, he concludes, his present actions are insufficient to remove the seeds of resentment he'd left in the wake of his bitter utterances when you broke up.

But Felix was only 18 then, a kid completely unaware of his overwhelming need to have you in his life....what matters is, he's trying...he really is, to recover from his mistakes......shouldn't that least matter?

Thinking the slight inhibition in his tone is just a figment of your imagination and that he is simply and indifferently inquiring you, you feel a wave of embarrassment wash over you. Then you drop down on the bed, feeling for his remote.

You sniff through your nose and against your better judgement say, "I went out with an acquaintance,"

On weekends Chan usually wasn't home, you could come over. This is the routine, it has been for some time now...so, you've come to know Felix's room more intimately than your own, the walls are a deep blue, like the kind of blue out of a Holly Warburton painting. There's an old Coldplay poster on the back of his door and X-Men action figures from eons ago lined on the edges of his bookshelf.

You know where everything goes when though it's dark. But that doesn't mean anything.

It shouldn't.

"A acquaintance who gave you their coat midwinter...you must be close,"

You ignore his pointed comment, he ignores the way your eyes light up when you talk about this acquaintance.

"He's nice." You say, "He walked me to the station and everything."

A happy hum comes in response.

Because when was the last time you talked to him as freely as you are?

Felix plops down on his stomach beside you, elevating his form on his elbows. His fingers come to brush loose strands out of your eyes. Your gaze meets his for the second time that week. Slower. As if you hadn't minded looking him this time. He feels his heart being tugged at all possible angles.

Then, because he can't stop himself — he leans down and kisses you, tentative and indolent, like he has all the time in the world, like all he wants to do is kiss. Don't get him wrong...you've done downright unspeakable things with him, to him...but nothing mediates his adoration for you without the employment of speech like these little chaste...purposeless movements. His fingers coming to splay against your neck, thumbing along your throat when you gulp, the tip of your nose brushing against his cheekbone, eyes fluttering shut. They're...they're intimate. Utterly special. He knows you feel it too, from the way you look slightly surprised, searching his face, eyes skimming up any fragment of emotion conveyed in his features. But you don't encourage it, slowly shifting to turn your back as you lay quietly against his chest.

"Let me stay here tonight," you say, "I'm tired."

"Okay,"

Felix thinks you've broken not one, but two rules now. He hadn't expected you to answer. He hadn't expected you to get into bed with no intention of departing either.

Though he doesn't hold it against you, this is what he wants, for you to open up to him again...after all. These changes can't be bad changes, even if they are little, it's still progress...right?

—

You wet your fingers, dipping the moistened muscle against the clay mold. All around you is not as eerily quite as it is in your apartment, footsteps thrumming against hardwood floor, kiddish humming from the kitchen, the smell of sugar in the air, you've never worked outside of your home station and well...in class. You thought of yourself as a self sufficient individualist, you liked to believe that you didn't enjoy other people's company like you did your own, with the exception of your roommate. But that's only since you aren't close enough for her to disturb you.

Yet with Soomi moved out for good, the place felt...odd to stay by yourself.

So you found yourself spending more and more time at Felix's. It's nice to have a place to crash in every now and then, the sex is great and when you get hungry after, you don't have to think twice about scouring the fridge.

You don't know why you put off spending time aside from sleeping together at all, more time spent didn't necessarily add to your deal or subtract from it....because the action itself doesn't really mean anything. Everyone gets tired of being alone at some point. That's a universal fact.

Initially, you told yourself your presence was a consequence of Chan catching you two in the shower one night...so now that the cat's out of the bag, you two figured his place could become the only premise you didn't have to play pretend in. You both knew the elder would be more than willing to keep the younger's secret even if he didn't exactly approve of it.

With the increased frequency of your visits, bits and pieces of you remain dispersed all throughout the apartment, your body wash in his bathroom, your underwear in his laundry, the smell of you in his sheets, on his clothes. You had relaxed yourself through the periphery of his life and he had small glimpses of yours, habits and flaws, unknowingly...or knowingly....whatever. — Felix could only thank God that Chan had found out, in spite of the revelation itself putting you both in a compromising position.

With time, he starts to keep a few secrets from you too, here and there, knowing that if you knew you will stop doing it altogether. He can't have that...

You throw a leg around his hip when you're fast asleep, flinging an arm not a second later to cage him in your warm embrace. Felix likes the way your chest rises and falls against his back, how your breath tickles his skin and your mouth parts against his shoulder blade. Sometimes he stays awake and waits for you to do it, then when you do, he grins so hard his face hurts a little. Felix likes being the little spoon.

"Are you listening?"

His vision narrows down to the sight of you holding out your palms in the air, there's wet clay on them, as well on your cheek and legs, between them your pottery wheel is halted to desuetude, there's old newspapers layering the floorboard to prevent staining.

"Sorry...," he smiles sheepishly, "What did you say?"

It's your turn to shift your gaze to your feet. Felix thinks it's highly uncharacteristic, the way you seem almost...shy?

"Can you..." You eye the mug mounted on his study desk, he catches onto your request easily, "I'm thirsty—"

"Yeah yeah hold on... careful," Felix chirps, carefully guiding the rim to your lips to make sure it doesn't spill. He uses the tip of his thumb to wipe the corner of your mouth, you flinch first but then whilst the mild shock subsides, simply stare up at him as the pad of his thumb brushes against your skin. "There you go..." he trails, eyes bright with care.

You feel like a child being doted on, the mere emotion plunging you back to when you were 5 and had crushes on boys who shared skittles with you.

"Thanks."

Felix's ears perk up at the courtesy, you were never one to express yourself easily and when you did, every time, he felt inexplicably delighted.

The apples of your cheeks feel hot for some reason, by putting yourselves in in these small situations, you keep confusing him, you know, because you keep confusing yourself too.

You come out again that night but this time Bang Chan is shifting around in the kitchen. He hardly sleeps, you observe, but probably refusing to come out because he wanted to avoid bumping into you.

Chan doesn't seem to like you very much. Probably. You don't blame him. Before you came along, Felix and he spent more time together, now you had become a constant in his life without will.

You have to listen twice to realise he's speaking with you. Not an invisible being behind you.

"What?"

"I said..." His tone dropped dangerously low, he looks annoyed at something. "Listen I don't care what you're doing but don't hurt him." He's wearing a black t shirt and a pair of pajama shorts with cartoon wolves littered all across the baby blue fabric. He's trying to appear intimidating. It's not really working.

You stifle a laugh.

Frankly had you not known how deeply he cared for Felix, you'd not have cared about his advice. Or warning....?

"Fine," you respond, watching as the tension visibly left his body with one bating breath. "I hope this isn't about me stealing your yoghurt though."

"It's a little about stealing my yoghurt," he jokes, you think he's one of those people who'd apologise if you punched them in the face and spat in their drink. It's interesting...

Chan laughs a little. His eyes sparking with amusement for the first time of all the times he's looked at you. Did he trust your word that much?

—

"He talks about you a lot you know,"

You nearly spit out your drink. Seungmin isn't exactly the densest guy you know. Far from it exactly and he isn't discreet either. So your first instinct is to think he knows something.

You watch Felix from a distance, a solo cup in hand, he's laughing at something Hyunjin said, there's a crinkle along the bridge of his nose and his upper lip curls upwards to reveal his teeth. In reality, in everyone's eyes, your lives are separate. They walk on eggshells around you still...you assure yourself there's no way anyone could've guessed.

So you play dumb, glugging the whiskey into your cup. It spills around the edges, landing on the semi-lit neon counter.

"Who?"

Seungmin blinks at you. An unreadable expression on his face.

"Jisung." He says, "Who else?"

You feel yourself getting less excited, the breath you were unconsciously holding passing your entire form. Jisung is the newest addition to your life, a performing arts student who offered to portrait model for a project you'd been given in class. He's cute, forward, which you like a lot. And you notice whilst using him for inspiration, that he looks at you just as attentively as you had at him.

Only for different reasons.

Jisung asks for your number. You say yes. Half-heartedly. Though at the forefront of your mind you keep comparing everyone to the guy you go home to ever so often, you pick out their flaws and their perfections and you think to yourself he isn't like this, he is like this.

"Yeah?" You pose, sipping and wincing. "What did he say?"

"Just the usual stuff...." Seungmin tilts his head, he's not drinking tonight because he has an exam tomorrow. You think it's a little funny that he's carrying around water in a solo cup. "But I can tell he has the hots for you,"

You laugh this time. That's no surprise to you. "Well he's not so bad himself."

Seungmin narrows his eyes, shooting you a suspicious look.

"Of course you'd say that...." He taunts, "Heard you guys hung out...how was that by the way?"

"It was alright. Sort of just...happened. We bumped into each other and he offered to buy me dinner."

"And you...said yes?"

You give him a blank look, sarcasm dripping from your monotonous sentences, how else would you have spent time together?

"No, I didn't, Seungmin,"

The owner of the name rolls his eyes at your satirical comment, "No need to be mean, I'm just a little surprised is all."

"Surprised?"

You raise an eyebrow, Felix is still in your line of sight, it looks like he's stalling, waiting for your conversation to end so you could leave. He glances at you a few times and you quickly text him a 5 more minutes. "Why's that?"

"Cause every time you start to have feelings for someone, you take one step forward and ten steps back," he points out, "Think about it...you haven't been in like an....actual relationship after...well, you know," he postulates.

You glare at Seungmin, your pride somewhat injured.

"Hey! I've....dated."

"No....you slept around with people, that's not the same as dating." He retorts.

You snort.

Wouldn't you know.

Minho changes an upbeat pop song to something mellow. It's in a foreign language...maybe Spanish, you understand nothing but you don't have to to know it's a sad tune, the lyrics coming together in a melancholic harmony. Your eyes drift away, you feel your attention falter.

It was not unknown for you to have absolute control over your life, be it living your days by strict routine or building such a sturdy pretentious armour around yourself so that your organic self remained unscathed underneath. You had learnt the hard way that being yourself in front of other people would only bring you hurt...but if no one really knew you, no one could hurt you.

This game of hide and seek had become such a long standing practise in your life that it disconnected who you are from who you pretended to be. And every time the extent of your actual desires, monsters much beyond your control rose to the surface, they brought you shame, disgust.

You found those pretences withering away, the shell of protection around you falling apart whenever the thought of Felix crossed your mind. — his heavy noise of content against your neck, his fingers curling into your sheets, his open mouthed kiss against the arch of your hipbone, everything and anything...you had again, despite all your abrasions, become madly consumed by him.

And you must admit to yourself that you are becoming quite ridiculous because of it.

In this strange moment, you realise you almost need Felix to harp on about you even though you specifically asked him to keep all that you have a secret. You want his friends to come scurrying to you to start telling you that he cares so much he can't keep his mouth shut, to be so enamoured with you that his innermost feelings become painfully apparent, that it's utterly stupid of you to not see how he feels about you.

That's not how it goes though. Stuff like that only happens in movies.

Felix responds, texting, "Take all the time you need." Surprised, you steal a glimpse of him, but only when Seungmin isn't looking. You didn't know what you expected, something more crude, that would give away that he was jumping on the balls of his feet to only get into your pants, that would remind you that Felix is nothing but your fuck buddy. You find that you always look for reasons to resent him....because if you did, it meant that you didn't have to acknowledge how you're still in love with him.

You knew what you were in for. And hoping, wanting something more....is no more than wishful thinking.

Felix smiles at you, a genial smile, a simple curve along the corner of his lips which conveys patience, but also something deeper, like...understanding.

Again no matter how much you pushed him away he seemed to find his way back to you in some fashion, just to convey that your union is not all as black and white as you told yourself it was.

You down the entire drink in one swig. Seungmin makes a face at you, the kind he makes when you stick your fries in ice cream for shits and giggles,

"Well....we broke up a long time ago," You hiss at the awful taste stinging your throat, sounding slightly angry. You can't believe it matters still, but when you've been clutching onto something for too long, be it a painful emotion or a memory...you start to think it's the locus of your life, an integral part of you. It terrifies you to think who you'd become without it — vulnerable, malleable, sensitive.

You can't do that again.

The last few weeks, regardless of how good they were, didn't change a thing.

It couldn't. You wouldn't let it.

Seungmin is right, you think, you are taking ten steps back. Just not in the context he thought.

"There's no reason I shouldn't start now."

—

Turns out there is a reason.

Jisung asks you out the next day. He's so friendly that you feel overwhelmed. At all times of the day, he dresses like a frat boy out on his morning jog. A nike running shirt and loose fitted trousers, a baseball cap worn the other way around...it's a little silly.

You don't mind it, having the kind of apathy you would have towards someone you don't know very well.

Everything with him feels new, awkward. But also slightly exciting. He talks too much when he's nervous and you notice that he's almost always nervous because of your personality, as though he can't really put a finger on you and doesn't know what to do about it. Besides...he’s not a horrible kisser either, you muse, he just doesn’t know what you want.

Yet whenever you heard yourself thinking those compliments, you couldn't help but feel utterly guilty, a strangely deep seated feeling that you were doing something wrong.

Why did you feel this way....

Felix isn't your boyfriend anymore. You don't owe him any form of loyalty. You knew that. You're someone who sticks to their gut feelings and your gut had decided that something about seeing Jisung didn't feel right and not just because of Felix, but because you're not interested in a relationship just yet. And you're sure he could tell you aren't, he shouldn't quite expect a call back anytime soon.

"I had a nice time," you say, because it's true. He took you out for ice cream and bought you candy floss when you stared at it for too long.

When Jisung doesn't respond for a hot minute, you follow his trail of vision, which instead of focusing on you, has shifted to the semi-lit backdrop of your apartment. He's too obvious.

"Do...you want to come in?"

He flounders a little at your suggestion, embarrassed. "Would that be alright?....if I did...."

"That depends, are you gonna kill me?"

You say with a straight face. No matter much Jisung prodded at your exterior, you wouldn't budge, like you usually hadn't. Unravelling isn't really your thing so....he can't tell if you're kidding or not.

"No...?"

You snort, "Why do you sound so unsure?"

Jisung's face has grown impossibly red, he could feel his ears burning in indescribable shame. You just have this air about you that makes you incredibly hard to read and it's really attractive.

"I....I didn't..."

You keep your voice, steady, calm, "Relax," "I'm just screwing with you," you say, stepping aside for him to enter, "Make yourself at home."

—

You suppose you were born to study the arts.

You never could consider yourself a studious being. When you were in school, you remember falling behind in classes where the arduous process of revising was required, say mathematics or the sciences even.

Though that realisation hadn't come to you naturally.

Your parents wouldn't take kindly to you not taking up a "well paying" profession and you fell victim to the constant barrage of criticisms, of mockery which ultimately conditioned you to think some part of you, a large part just wasn't good enough.

And with Felix gone....

You were at your worst.

The two years you spent without him were the hardest, a set of years that obliged you to protect yourself from all the hurt around you, inside you. And while the security that you provided yourself is undoubtedly necessary for well...anyone, the process itself had its wicked way of rendering you unspeakably lonely.

You agreed to apply as an engineering major to gain your parents' approval and then transferred to the arts department by the time you'd successfully moved out. You haven't spoken to them ever since...and it hurt you more than you would deign to admit.

When your mum drops over for a surprise visit and chances upon your ex-boyfriend loitering about in your kitchen, fixing up midnight munchies, she takes a natural guess that you've gotten back together. (Which you think is far more agreeable than the truth. Knowing your mother, a staunch supporter of your relationship with him, she wouldn't take lightly to your arrangement.) And before you know it, you're all having dinner.

Felix makes an effort to dress up well, discarding his usual hoodies and joggers for a more formal look, you suspect it has something to do with the fact that you haven't attended any casual settings with him since you broke up.

Cutlery clinks against ceramic, coming down with a semi-loud thump as you try to swallow the enormous lump in your throat. Your mum makes a passing jab at you, saying how you had settled for a much "easier" major than say architecture or philosophy, she bitterly mentioned that everything worked out in the end. After all, your choice is a "much fitting" field of study for someone of your caliber, backhandedly insinuating that you're far too stupid to pursue anything else.

What inspires hilarity is how those insults still affected you. In front of Felix, you act like these few years have brought the fighter out in you and here you are trying to blink away the onslaught of tears prickling your vision. It feels like someone stripped you off your skin, off your flesh and picked out all your shortcomings for him to see.

You expect him to stay quiet, you expect him to think of you as the utterly shameful, selfish being you tell yourself you are,

But Felix's fingers find your shaky knuckles under the table where they rest on your knee, he implants the weight of them in a reassuring squeeze. "Well I think it's great," he says instead, smiling cheerfully at your mum. To which she, for the lack of support, sheepishly beams at him, "Not many people have the drive to do what they want to do. Or know what they want to do...take it from me, Missus [.....]" He laughs nonchalantly, the hairs on the back of your neck standing to attention upon hearing the lovely sound. You always liked his laugh, the sound rippling against your naked skin, thick baritone when he'd just woken up and a kiddish falsetto when he's extremely happy.

You wonder when you started paying so much attention.

Felix glances at you, lingering for a long minute."I bet it took a lot of guts."

You feel your chest constrict with a sudden surge of emotion from the mere look, you can't remember if the Felix you knew in the past, or anyone for that matter, had ever beamed at you with such pride.

You wonder what he'd think if he knew about Jisung, why you had neglected to tell him at all....you knew, because this little moment is precious to you and you had no reason to tarnish it. Not when you had time.

You tilt your head, using your free hand to hastily find the back of his neck, drawing closer to him with little strength. The more he realised what you're doing, the more excited he got. See he found your newly introduced public display of affection immensely attractive, though obviously embarassed by the sudden motion...

You can do crazy things sometimes. Really crazy things. In public and he has never opposed to such exhilarating things, be it in restrooms or even in a similar setting when you were dating, there was a certain thrill to it which drove him to the brink of insanity. Felix would silently implode your attention when you were alone and when you were out in the open, in whichever way he was to receive it, the way which insinuated you were his was the best of them all. All that was fine though...because it was just the two of you.

But now...in this indecent time, he wishes he could hear what you're thinking.

Had... had you gone completely mad?! Your mum is looking!

Your face is stoic, Felix's mouth parts, then you reach over and kiss him shamelessly.

Over the years, all the things that have caused you pain were things you had endured on your own, in his absence. This realisation alone invites a heavy conviction inside you.

Because you know it just as well as he does, no matter how sincere he is to you — you don't need Felix. Not really.

But you want him.

—

You do a stupid thing. A stupid endearing thing and Felix's heart beats like it would jump out of his mouth if he opened it.

It was meant to be a secret, what you two have, a matter of uncomplicated lust which didn't require the attention of anyone because it initially or so you put it, wasn't important enough.

Then you charge to him, he supposes it has a little to do with the person who was blatantly flirting him in the middle of Changbin's Halloween party, he doesn't care though.

You don't like embarrassing yourself, so he doesn't actually expect you to wear a black cat hairband matching his white ears and feline tail. Felix wants to think it means something, how despite the coos and the caas, the giant wave of surprise washing over your friends, you interlace your fingers within his and kiss his cheek.

He doesn't what that makes the two of you now... but he would give you all the time in the world to figure that out if it meant you could be his again.

—

You trace your fingers against outline of his face. Splatters of moist moonlight kissing the high rise of his cheeks, dusting along the long fringe of lashes which cast shadows along his skin, his freckles are like dots of bronze dispersed on his skin. He's beautiful like this.

"You're thinking too much," he says with his eyes closed, smiling a little. "Don't think so much."

You laugh. "Or what, huh?"

Felix cracks an eye open, his grin big, kiddish. "I was hoping you'd say that," he rubs the tip of his nose against your collarbone, he snuggles closer to your chest. What you hadn't expected was how he shifted his entire weight onto you, lying entirely atop you as though he were a starfish.

You couldn't stop laughing at the motion, it's so cheesy and gross...you love it.

—

Here's something you don't know — Jisung tells his friends everything, about making out with you and taking you out...everything. News travels fast. Faster than you anticipated. Despite wanting to divulge the matter, you were too taken by the recent shifts in your feelings to confess to your little interaction. You had told yourself again and again — a little later, just a little later and I’ll tell him.

It could be too late now.

The entire campus knew of your little rendezvous, shooting you curious looks... it's not until Minho comes up to verify the floating rumours do you all but sprint to Felix's place. You think of Chan's trusting eyes, of don't hurt him, of laughing in the intimacy of your bedroom and swiping your fingers down his spine like you were trying to commit the undulating design to memory.

You're not sure where it all began.

but you don't want it to end.

Felix doesn't answer your calls or your messages. When he buzzes you up, just from his gait, just from the resigned look in his eyes, you know he knows.

You watch as he listlessly leaves you to enter, walking before you without saying as much as a word.

You grab Felix’s elbow, making him stop in his tracks. He looks at your fingers wrapping around the muscle, shrugging you off easily. It’s just a small gesture but its impact is so large...that you feel your heart break into a million pieces.

You had never seen Felix being so quiet, even when he was down, he found a manner to radiate a form of optimistic energy which baffled you. You can’t believe how much you could have possibly hurt him.

“I can explain.” you gulp, “We went out on one date. It wasn’t because I liked him, I know it’s stupid and...I should’ve told you. I’m sorry, that's not an excuse, but you have to trust me when I say it didn’t...it doesn’t mean anything to me—”

“Did you sleep with him?”

With his back turned away, he still isn’t looking at you, speaking to you with a surprisingly stable tone.

“No.”

Felix takes a shuddering breath, one which expresses the small relief of knowing that Jisung hadn’t seen, touched you, felt you in the way that he only had, but there’s still so much more he wants to know.

“Did he make you laugh?”

It’s a silly question, he realises belatedly but he can’t help it. Some part of him, a large part, thinks he’d be more hurt if you made someone happy and they made you happy than if you fucked them.

You shake your head even though he can’t see you. “He didn’t.”

Your fingers again reach for his, wrapping your index into his thumb. You slowly move your hands to his middle, clutching him close to your chest, chin hooking into his shoulder, suddenly...you feel him melt into the embrace. Felix’s voice falters for the first time, small trembles against you. You’re willing to answer all his queries if it could put his mind at ease. You put your heart on hold for too long.

"Do you hate me...?" He sniffles.

You blink....did you?

Felix had changed, like you, he had matured, the past version of him you had so stubbornly ingrained in your endless inner monologue is not the one you grew all too familiar with...

Familiarity does breed contempt, does it not? Well you think the line between love and contempt is untraceable, melded together as a mysterious whole. After all those years, you were still angry, still filled to the brim with contempt for him and more importantly, yourself because you still love him much more than you'd like to admit. After all you've been through. After all this time. The need to love him ultimately encompassed every other emotion which posed itself as a hindrance.

So the opposite of love, the absence of love, you think, isn't hate, it's indifference. An emotion you never felt towards him.

Felix has wedged himself into every aspect of your life, tainted every portion of your routine in his presence and in his absence.

You don't think you'd have it another way.

"You broke my heart," you explain, "I was angry....but I could never hate you for the sake of hating you."

"I can't..." Felix whispers, twisting his body so he could look at you now, “I can’t promise you that it won’t be hard but I'm not—I’m not going anywhere...you know that right?”

You lean your forehead against his, his eyes shifting to your mouth, hands rising to wrap around your neck. You smile.

“I know.” you say, "Me neither."

“I love you...” He says in a small voice, putting his hand against your knuckles. “Do you love me?”

Your eyes soften, cupping his face like this — carefully collecting a lone tear with your thumb before it could touch his cheek. This time there is not a shred of hesitancy, no pause, no pondering before you say,

“I never stopped.”

—

You enter in a blind rush of panic, thinking you might miss your ride, feet knocking together, elbows hitting elbows, bustling all around you and the sudden overwhelming stench of people hit you, it’s not an ideal setting, not at all actually.

But you couldn’t bother to be displeased a second you spent with him. A teenager rolls her eyes at how disgustingly in love you are, elderly couples tutting under their breath...albeit, you don’t fail to notice their subtle smiles, small shake of their heads which attested to the fact that the joy you both radiate is.. absolutely infectious. You stumble with him behind, Felix is laughing breathlessly, bumping into your chest as the train suddenly starts moving, you place a finger on his cheek and he raises his chin to look at you.

“Did you eat?” he repeats, mocking himself, a dialogue from a time which seems an element of the distant past replaced by a love which compensated for every hitch in your relationship. You still argue, still disagree and still make up the same. Felix was right, it isn’t easy.

But when two people love each other as much as you do,

it’s worth trying. With every fibre of your being.

“No.” You laugh, playing along, “But I could, with you.”

795 notes · View notes

xpeachesncream · 3 years

Text

restart | six

[ SEQUEL TO PERFECTLY WRONG ] | [ series masterlist ]

summary: as you and taehyung start to build your life together post graduation, things become more complicated than what you expected it to be. while taehyung struggles with his inner demons, you’ve become the sole supporter, the pillar, juggling different jobs to keep you two afloat. your love for each other has been put to the test as your relationship continues to face hurdles - hurdles that have you questioning whether or not your relationship will make it through.

pairing: reader x fiancé!kth

genre: post grad au, established relationship au | fluff, angst, smut

words: 3.9k

warnings: cussing/mature language, jealousy, lots of insecurities and overthinking, angst, crying, arguments, y/n and tae get really mean with each other honestly, unprotected soft sex in the flashback scene, alcohol consumption, y/n really going above and beyond for her man though

note: taehyung’s one shot for the witchers one series will be coming out.. probably this weekend? i’ll continue taking some breaks in between posting new chapters for bands and restart so i can work on this too!

tags: @enchantaeduniverse @thedarkwinterrose @sapphirejeon @jwlmnbt @bluesharksandfish @ra-mun-e @brightcolorsoffendme @jungcrookthecookbook @sunniejinnie (please message me if you would like to be added to the taglist!)

You looked at the new picture hanging on the hall at Jin's café. It was a picture of you, Taehyung and your friends in your graduation caps and gowns. You smiled to yourself seeing how happy you all were to finally overcome the milestone together, how happy you and Taehyung were to have gotten through it together.

It seemed like a distant memory.

"Hey." Jungkook comes behind you, his blonde hair almost covering his eyes.

"Hmm?" He follows your gaze to the picture.

"What time is your shift over?" He asks, trying to change the subject. You turn to him and sigh, checking the time on your phone.

"Mm, in a bit actually. I have to run home and get ready."

"Oh hey, you're meeting that girl today right? To see if you can sell some of your art and merch in her boutique?" You smiled from ear to ear.

"Yeah! She's such a sweetheart, I'm super excited. I hope it works out."

"I'm sure it will." He pinches your cheek. He doesn't say anything else, being that he can tell other things were on your mind but you weren't ready to talk about it yet.

Racing home to the apartment, you decided to hop into a quick shower and throw on some better clothes. You still couldn't believe Brandi had came up to you at the flea market, almost feeling like she was a blessing in disguise. You smiled at yourself in the mirror, the excitement peeking through as the minutes went by.

"Hey! Goodluck today, little one!" You picked up Jin's call as you walked out of your apartment and down to your car. Taehyung, for whatever reason, was nowhere to be found, and you figured he was just out with Namjoon or one of their other friends. You had left him sound asleep earlier, and you didn't think he had any plans today. But, you would just have to see him later and tell him all about the meeting. You were actually excited to, especially after last night.

➤ FLASHBACK

Taehyung gripped onto the headboard as he rolled his hips into you, your clit rubbing against him as his body lowered onto yours. He kept his eyes on you, his lips barely grazing yours as he softly hissed and let out small moans.

“Hmmmfuck.” You softly mewled. For once, the love making felt like old times - the passion. The fire. The feelings. It felt like Taehyung was making love to you like the world was going to end. And the thought of it, the feeling of his body against yours, the warmth - it made you feel complete, and like you never wanted to leave this moment.

"I love you so much, baby." He whispers as he continues to pick up his pace, rolling his hips and working in tandem with yours.

"I love you, too." You softly say as your fingers lock into his hair, his lips pressed gently against your neck as he laid soft kisses along a straight path and nipped at your skin. You arch your back slightly, the pleasure starting to bubble up within your core as you hear Taehyung moan against your neck.

"God, baby I'm gonna cum." He continues to moan. "Cum with me."

"Close." You moan softly, tugging on his hair as he picks up his pace and begins to thrust a little more aggressively. "I-I'm--"

"Uh huh." He nods. "That's it, love."

"I'm gonna cum." Your hands are now gripping his shoulders, nails digging deep and leaving red marks against his honey-dipped skin. It takes a few more rolls before you feel your body trembling under his grip, muffled moans trying to escape as you let the orgasm ripple through you. As you come down from your high, you feel Taehyung fill you up warmly, his body still ontop of yours as he tries to regulate his breathing. He presses his lips against your jaw, to your forehead, to your nose, then back down to your lips before he removes his softening member from within you and plops next to you on the bed. He instantly swoops you into his arms, your head laying on his chest as you ran your finger in circles around his collarbone.

"Baby." He says softly. "You mean everything to me. You know that right? I got you through anything, no matter what." You simply nod before he places another kiss against your head.

➤ END FLASHBACK

"Thank you. I'll tell you all about it later, okay?"

"Sounds good. I know this'll work out. I'm proud of you, you know that right?" Your smile lightly fades. Yeah, it was a big deal, but you still hadn't told anyone a lot of your other plans had been put on pause.

"I know." You softly chuckle. "K, I need to get going. I'll call you later."

"Love you, drive safely." He says before you return the love and hang up. You hopped into your car and began to drive off to the destination downtown. However, as you neared the boutique, another call came through to your car, but from an unknown number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Miss Y/L/N?"

"Yeah, this is she."

"Hey there. Could you come down to Jack's? We have your fiancé here. He's intoxicated and he's been giving the staff a hard time." You sigh and look at your watch. Jack's was on the opposite end of town. You were never going to make it on time for your meeting. You had promised you'd be there to make this work.

"Where is he?" You say as you quickly park your car and make your way to the restaurant. You see him slouched onto the bar, slurring his words to the police men. The bar stools around him were all turned over, glasses broken and flyers from the wall had been ripped off. You couldn't help but begin to cry because you knew this was all Taehyung's doing, and quite frankly, you had so many emotions - you were scared, upset, empty, exhausted. You didn't know what else to do, but you loved him.

And yet here you were again, pushing your goals aside to help the love of your life.

"Tae, baby. Let's get up, okay?" His eyes are glazed as they turn to you. He smiles, but he struggles to get up, the police man helping support him as you both bring him to your car.

"Baby girl." He mumbles.

"Shh. Just stay here." You shush him as you get him situated in the passenger seat, tears streaming down your face.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but this damage needs to be covered." You took the ticket from the police man, showing the restaurant charging over $200 worth of the damages.

"It's fine, I'll take care of this. I'm so sorry."

"If you need anything, please let us know." The cop couldn't help but sympathize looking at you. At this point your cheeks were hot, tears continued to stream down your face and your hair had become a mess having supported Tae back to the car. You silently climbed in, crying to yourself as you drove back to the apartment, Taehyung slumped and asleep in the passenger seat.

You did your best to support him back to your apartment, the security guard offering help but you turned him down. You had been doing good so far and you thought you had this in the bag. As you had exited the elevator, Taehyung stumbled upon his own two feet, bringing the both of you down.

"Babe, get up please." You cried, using all of your force to get him up. He did try his best to stable himself as you stood, but the five steps to the front door ended up being twenty, with a few more stumbles in between. "Please, we're almost there." You continued to cry.

You finally got Taehyung out of his clothes and into the bed, washing his face with a warm towel before you let him sleep peacefully. You made your way to the living room and just broke down. Your meeting was way past its time, and yet you had passed on another great opportunity because you needed to be there for Taehyung. You felt helpless.

You just didn't know how else to do it.

"Hello? How'd it go?" Jungkook asks on the other line.

"Kook, I don't know if I could do this anymore." You cried into the phone. "I can't do it." You cried silently, heavily.

"Y/N." He sighs worriedly. "What happened? Do you want me to come by?"

"No, I-I just—" You cry as you sink to the floor, your back against the wall. "I've given up so many things for him, and he even apologized last night. Saying he'd do better and all this shit, but he hasn't. I knew this would happen and-and I can't—" You ramble on and on, Jungkook worried as he tries to decipher what you're saying through your crying.

"Slow down, and tell me what just happened."

"I didn't even get to meet her, Kook. I was on my way when I got a call from the cops saying he was drunk and giving the staff a hard time at Jack's. Shit was torn up, the stools were turned over, flyers ripped off the walls." You mumbled through your cries. "I told them I'd take care of it and handle the damages. Why would he do this? Why would he do this to me?" Kook sighs heavily.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N. I'm sure there's a lot of things going on in his head that can help explain this. And I can help you take care of the damages, it's not a big deal."

"No."

"Stop. Let me help you." He pauses. "Can you text Brandi and just let her know it was an emergency or something? I'm sure she'll understand."

"I'm so humiliated though, like I can't even face her after I stood her up."

"Listen to me. It's not like you meant to. Just text her and explain, she seems like a really nice and understanding person. Don't feel embarrassed. Shit happens."

"You don't get it, bunny." You cried harder, silently, hoping you wouldn't be too loud to wake up Tae. "This was the last chance I had. I-I told Jimin I wouldn't be working on the shop right now. I gave all this shit up for him and I really just can't do this anymore. I've set myself aside to be there for him, only for him to fuck me over in the end. He doesn't realize how much he's been hurting me." You're feeling so many emotions at once that you don't even know if you're making sense. You wanna say so much, but you can't. You wanna get back up on your feet, but you can't.

"It's not gonna be the last chance." He says softly. "You're always welcome to crash with me if you'd like, just to give yourself some space." You sigh, finally able to slow down your crying and regulate your breathing.

"I can't just leave him."

"Y/N. He's gonna have to learn one way or another." Suddenly, you hear some stirring in the room, causing you to frantically wipe your tears and get yourself together.

"I have to go, I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Okay. Let me know if you need me, I'll be there." You hang up the call and turn your attention to the room when you hear Taehyung give off a small groan. You rush over, seeing him bent over on his knees on the side of the bed, his hands pressed against his face. "You alright?" You ask him softly, already prepping the trash can with a paper bag inserted inside in case he needs to release.

"I don't feel too—" And as you assume correctly, you hold the trash can up to him as he releases, your heart breaking at the sight of him struggling. You were torn - torn between wanting to do everything and wanting to do absolutely nothing at this point. You were spent, you had given him everything and you were left with nothing besides the uncertainty of your relationship and the umpteenth amount of tears you had been shedding.

This wasn't fair to you, and you couldn't let him keep doing this to you.

After he seems to be done being head first into the trash can, you set it aside to clean up later and give his face another good wash up with a warm towel. He seems a bit better and more sober after having vomited, but you get him to go back to sleep while you head into the kitchen to heat up some water and make some tea. You ponder on your thoughts, on your feelings, while waiting for the electric kettle to flip the switch, hinting that the water was done heating. You pour yourself and Tae a cup - green tea for you, while you whipped up some ginger tea with lemon for him. You walk over to the room seeing him asleep, but he slightly opens an eye when he feels your body dip into the edge of the bed.

"Drink this while it's hot." You say as you place the cup on the night stand.

"Thank you, baby." He manages to say raspily. "Stay with me?" You shake your head.

"I need to take care of some stuff outside." And with that, you don't turn to look at him or give him more of your attention before simply walking off. You bite onto your bottom lip as you head back to the kitchen, pulling out your laptop to start organizing the bills and figuring out which ones to pay off first. You almost forgot you had these deadlines to meet.

It's close to 8pm when Taehyung finally gets up and walks out to the kitchen, seeing you still hovering over your laptop. This time though, you had a bowl of ramen ready for him to go, while you had just finished devouring yours. You don't say anything as he comes forward to the kitchen island, but his eyes are locked onto you. You turn to face the sink and start washing your bowl when you feel his arms snake around your hips and his lips pressed against the back of your head. And as much as you wanna sink into his body, you don't.

"Baby, I'm so—"

"Save it." You aggressively throw your spoon down into the sink before turning to face him. "Don't."

"Y/N, please. Just let me explain."

"No, Taehyung. Not anymore. I've heard it way too many times and I'm tired." You say, your eyes starting to water. "I'm so tired. You knew today was the day I had to meet Brandi. Why couldn't you just hold off for a second, Tae? Do I literally have to give up everything for you?"

"Woah, I never said you had to—" You scoff as you cross your arms.

"You didn't have to say it. All this shit you've done, throwing the whole Jimin thing in my face, getting drunk and acting up." You cry. "You don't think I can catch on? I'm not stupid, Taehyung. Don't take me for a fucking dumbass."

"I've been here struggling with my own feelings too okay, Y/N? It's been a fucking shit show for me and I don't think you understand."

"You don't think I understand?!" You yell, appalled at his argument. As much as you didn't wanna play the pointing fingers game, you had no choice but to since Tae didn't seem to get it. He obviously didn't understand you even though he said he did last night, and that's what hits you. "I know you've been struggling and I've been doing my very best to be there every step of the way for you to help support you. I gave up this shit with Jimin and told him to hold off because I knew you were having trouble with it. I fucking went to the school event 10 minutes late and tired out of my goddamn mind, and I just got lucky Dr. Forneo wasn't done with his speech or else I would have been shit out of luck too! And then today, I was on my way to meet Brandi when I got the call that I needed to come get you because you decided trashing Jack's was the perfect way to show how frustrated you've been feeling. Don't tell me I don't fucking understand when I've done it all just to be here for you! I pushed myself aside for you, and quite frankly, I feel like I've just been wasting my life in this relationship." You say harshly, a little taken aback at the words that come out of your mouth, but you have no intentions of bringing it back. He scoffs, tears streaming down his cheeks as he looks at you, expression full of hurt and betrayal.

"If you've been feeling like that, why didn't you tell me sooner so I could have just left you alone? So I wouldn't have wasted all this time for you?"

"I love you so much, and I hate seeing you hurt. I wanted to do everything in my power to help relieve you, help you get rid of this pain you've been feeling, but I've just been hurting myself in the process. You haven't even realized it. I can't do this to myself anymore, Taehyung. I can't." In a quick moment, his expression quickly turns into more hurt and frustration, his brows furrowing as his tears continue to come down.

"Then fucking leave Y/N! Leave, if this shit isn't what you want!" He yells loudly that you're a little startled by his tone.

"You'd just let me go like that?" You ask shakily.

"Go and be like the rest of them, like I give a fuck." He says, sounding exactly like the asshole Taehyung you had dealt with the night of Jin's café party. "You don't know what it's like—" He shakes his head. "To feel so completely useless and unworthy. To have people remind you and throw it in your face constantly how much of a fuck up you really are." He pauses, glaring back at you. "You're just like Hana, you know?" He instantly regrets it the moment it slips, but it's too late for him to take it back. You cry harder at the statement because why in the fuck would he say some dumbass shit like that? You were not her whatsoever. And you'd like to think you've done a hell of a job sticking by him through thick and thin. Not like her.

"Don't ever say that shit to me again. I am not her." You put your foot down. "I know I can't relate but the one thing I do know is that I gave you my everything, and I did nothing but stand by you through thick and thin. As much as I want to do it all, you have to do your part in getting yourself out of this, too. There's only so much I can do for you. Don't tell me you're in this for the long run when you can't even realize that shit. This isn't how you're supposed to treat somebody who loves you, somebody you call your fiancé. This isn't how we get by together. And you know fucking better than that." You spit out, aggressively wiping your tears. "I'm going to stay at Yoongi's until we leave."

"Y/N." He sighs deeply, following you into the room.

"No, don't touch me." You look at him as you break free from his grip. "You said what you said. I'm not doing this shit anymore." You softly cry. "Clearly, we need the space." You began to pile your clothes and necessities into your luggage, removing all attention away from Taehyung.

"Fine." Is all he manages to say before he's grabbing a jacket and heading out of the room. You hear him yell a loud 'fuck!' before glass hits the wall and shatters, followed by the front door slamming shut. You break down onto the ground and cry everything you have left in you. What did this mean for the both of you, you had no idea. After all of this, you still wanted him and you still hoped this would work out. Half of you suddenly didn't want to leave on these terms, but you knew you had to - to give yourself some space and give Taehyung enough space to hopefully learn and snap himself out of it.

But shit, this fucking hurts.

Suddenly you look at your ring and you have no idea what to feel.

By the time you're done packing what you need to pack, you feel so groggy and beat that you can barely make your way to Yoongi's. Your head is pounding and everything around you feels like dull, white noise. Sleep is the only thing on your mind.

"Hey." Yoongi steps aside to let you in. He grabs your luggage from you and sets it aside, following you into his living room space. "You okay?" He asks, knowing damn well you aren't but he figured this is how he could get the conversation started. You simply look at him, silently shake your head and begin to cry into your hands again. You feel Yoongi engulf you in his arms as he sits you down into the couch and brings your body close to his. "I'm so sorry, Y/N. It's gonna be okay. I got you."

"It fucking hurts." You mumble into his chest and he simply nods before slightly pulling away. "He just let me go."

"Let's get you to bed, yeah? You can sleep in mine and I'll stay out here." You nod as you wipe away your tears, Yoongi also doing his best to get rid of the stragglers streaming down your cheeks. He brings your luggage into the room and gives you some space to change and get yourself comfortable. Which, you do, but it takes awhile as your body wants to do absolutely nothing at this point. You shove yourself underneath his covers, a weighted blanket on top providing you with extra warmth. You turn to face the wall, hoping you could fall into a deep sleep soon.

But, you can't, no matter how exhausted you are.

"In here?" You hear Jungkook's voice faintly outside before he gently opens the door. You don't move in your position, even though you've just been blankly staring at the wall. You hear Jungkook gently shut the door before you feel his body weight on the edge of the bed. His fingers are running through your hair, brushing it gently as you continue to stare at the wall. "Y/N."

"Not now, Kook." He sighs.

"I'm worried about you."

"I'll be fine."

"Can I at least do anything for you right now?"

"I just want to sleep." He nods.

"Okay. I'll be hanging out with everyone for a bit outside. Just let me know if you need me." He says, gently caressing your covered arm before heading out of the room. You sighed and closed your eyes once more, hoping you could finally drift off into a deep sleep.

But your thoughts continued to wander to your fiancé and his whereabouts, whether or not he was okay and where he was at. They always wandered to him. It never failed.

And yes, it was the same for Taehyung. It was the same all the time.

He thought about you 24/7, he even thought about you now as he looks down at the notification lighting up on his phone.

The notification that gives him permission to come upstairs to her apartment.

youtube

but when i see you it hurts, when i see you it starts to hurt baby; i can see it in your eyes, I can see the pain in your eyes I'm sorry, tell me baby did it feel right to be with you and at the same time lose myself, my soul is burning out so casually

track four: lie 2 me - fern

218 notes · View notes

ajw720 · 6 years

Note

tbh i'm still so upset about how last night went PLUS that he's gotta deal w/ her again tonight. i figured she was always gonna be invited to the premiere (along w/ all the other people who pretend to be close to him) but i don't think he expected having to drag her to the gg & it's infuriating she's still able to shit all over his life. BUT i do agree w/ you. i still see more reasons than not that d+fox have a bigger plan & if so, that endgame can't be changed. no matter what m tries. 1/2

i actually think what'll be most telling of if things are gonna change, and how, is in the interviews & promo coming up. and what happens *after* the show starts airing. once they don't have to rely just on d's fans, critics, and penelope/ricky for the hype. imo that's when it'll start to be really clear how things may play out over the next year. 2/2

************************************************************************

Hi anon, you appear to be as despondent about last night as I am. I knew as soon as he was announced as a presenter she would have to be dragged along, but I really hoped it would be done in a contained and respectful manner. And it was not at all. To the extreme that SS’s client the HFPA not only posted a pic of them as one of their "dynamic duos” but called her his wife.

She literally stalked him on the RC, hovering behind him during every interview to be sure to be seen. Actual famous plus ones don’t act in this manner (if they choose not to walk the RC and do the press). Yet this nobody with no accomplishments is all over the RC and in countless videos.

I cannot even say this is contained to the fans anymore. While certainly the stans are the target audience and who are seeing the AW PDA post, the GA is who is viewing the HFPA. website and other official RC pic.

It find it quite frankly infuriating. And i guess it does not help that I think her presence detracts from him AND if people do their research, they discover exactly who D’s plus one is. And it is not a flattering picture once you get past the fake news articles and projects that were literally handed to her with her skills greatly exaggerated.

But most importantly, D has to deal with her for hours at these events. Drag her around. Introduce her to people. Pretend to like her. Take photo after photo with her. And try to muster a smile. All while he needs to be on his A game, promoting his show, that he is being praised for, and not ever let it show how miserable he is. I simply don’t think it is fair.

For me, while i thought it was too much to hope, i really did want him to have tonight free. I knew however the only way that would happen is of a break up was staged and that never appears to have been the game plan.

I really hope that the plan moves forward and that D is still afforded his freedom. And not over the next year. He needs to have his freedom by the time it is his awards season, which based on practically ever critic, is inevitable. To force him to endure the torture throughout his season is just prolonged and unjust torture. Let him take his mom if that has to be the case. That woman needs to be gone. As I said early today, i honestly believe she inhibits his ability to soar to the heights he is capable of. She is just so toxic.

I too will be looking a lot towards the press and how it is handled. First big talk show is on Wednesday i believe. I think seeing how he is questioned and what the press is allowed to ask will be critical.

I must say, D did a wonderful job of evading a trap last night when asked if he talked to the women in his life about the discrimination issue and he said no, he talked to the men.

I just find it a side irony that fox right now is promoting its show with the major themes of closeting and homophobia by having their closeted star drag his beard around.

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an-idiot-but-a-bit-more-refined · 7 years

Conversation

I was laying in bed thinking of something and this made me laugh for like a split second, then I got mad and then I started crying a little because, I imagined that I was a lecturer and I had to teach a group of Baby Swen about why their new fandom home was the way it was.

Me: Hello Babies, Mommy's back!

Student in the back: Sweet! Evil Queen references.. Umm, professor, I have a question.

Me: Yes?

Student: Why are our fandom grandmothers, mothers and aunts against Eddie and Adam writing Swan Queen?

Me, sighing gently: Darling, we're not against them writing it, but we have our reservations on the way they ARE writing it and most likely would attempt to write it.

Student in the back seems confused. Pauses slightly before nodding. I write down a topic that blankets the class discussion. "Swan Queen". BABY SWENS WHISPER AND SNICKER WITH EXCITEMENT, but I sigh once again. Someone notices

Student: Professor?

Me: Yes?

Student: What's the matter?

Me, slightly conflicted to do said discussion, but I feel it is needed.

Me: The issue the fandom is facing my dear younglings has to do with an ever running war on Tropes, Tokenism, Sexism and just all around 'fandom fuckery' as we've coined it. Some of you- rather, most of you may be familiar with how savagely Swen are dogged for wanting something that represents this current day and age. Be it a fairy tale that's never been told, or simple recognition in a way that does not make us feel as though we've been given a half-assed story that's tossed after it's done what writers and show runners believe it's supposed to...no-no, Your home- THIS home is a home that has to fight for the equality so that the younger generation may reap the benefits of the fight. Now, this may sound tragic- or seem catty, but I assure you, Swen are not known to be such. We like to leave that to...what was that other group's name, again?

Student with all the smart ass comments whom I adore: Crap tainted Swan!

Me: Yes, them.

I begin to write down a few categories and immediately hands go up.

Student: Professor, what exactly do you mean when you say- they will fuck it up?

Me: Precisely what I wrote. The Swan Queen fandom is not fond of being lied to, deceived or played for fools my young one. We know as well as anyone that 'pushing' is a thing for two overly hetero-normative men who run to Captain Swan with open arms and away from Swan Queen with eyes shut and ears deafened, will somehow manage to mess up a perfectly good story to tell.

Student somewhere in the corner: And when you say they'll make it more difficult- what does that mean?

Me: It means that Our ladies are difficult apart- NOT together and yet the writers seem to bring that as some valid way to deter the pairing. They believe by forcing these characters to appear as though they'd be difficult together would make it hard for them to have a lasting relationship. Trying to deter someone by creating this aura that they simply can't be around one another long enough before they become snarky and catty for all the wrong reasons is absolute bull. If anything- we have proof of countless times they have preferred to be with one another simply because it was obvious of the safety they felt. The care and concern they felt.

Student: Oh, so you mean like- Regina's stubborn and sassy and sarcastic when she and Emma are apart and when they work together, she's still sassy and sarcastic it's just in reference to everyone else and not Emma... it's like they're trying to make you think that Regina can't stand being around Emma when the only time we see the real Regina is when she's with Emma-or Henry-

Me, highly impressed: -exactly!

Another student in the front raises their hand: So, that ties into your next point of it being predictable doesn't it?

Me: It does. Have you all seen the consistent template that's written for a queer character?

They all nod and someone with a good bit of brains stands up to go on a miniature rant.

Student: Yeah, I have and it sucks. There's always the one gay character- (he manages to say with an eye roll.) But then there's all these other 'templates' that are stereotypical. Like if they do marry Emma off to Hook and she magically realizes she doesn't love him or that she's gay, they use Regina and it becomes that thing where the lesbian or in Regina's case- the bisexual, quote on quote 'turns' the straight housewife and she realizes she never needed a man; just some good love.. Or one of them dies- or in their case, both of them apparently.. isn't that what was happening in season six?

Someone whispers, Lexa deserved better and puts up a fist. Other students nod at the other baby Swen and agree.

Student who laughs sarcastically all the time: Or how about this one, She realizes she's not gay either after a bunch of passionate nights with Regina and then she goes back to.. the one handed wonder.. God, don't let her get pregnant-

Other Student yells in pain: -DEAR GOD, PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME IMAGES OF ANOTHER WHINY VERSION OF HOOK! But let's not forget the ones who argue all the time and can't keep a stable relationship and are secretive and all that other junk the L Word made beyond obvious.And if that's not bad enough, they both get beards and are tortured for seasons with men they have no chemistry with and these are women who have chemistry with brick walls and can't even make that shit work-

Me: -Alright.. alright, focus. Yes, these are the templates I'm referring to. But let us not forget the ones that gay male characters also go through.

Someone snorts because they only have one template for gay males.

Student: You mean they're difficult and mysterious and cute little twinks who get thrown with other cute twinks or big buff guys with daddy issues and bam- magical ending?

Me: Correct..moving on.. The third points says-

I'm interrupted as they all say it together

Students: Tokenism!

Me: This is just the TV way of saying affirmative action.. Fanciful in meaning isn't it?

Student: It's trash!

Me: Yes, I do suppose it is... however, would someone like to express why the word tokenism still would apply to Swan Queen?

Hands immediately go up.

Student: Well, if we're being honest here, We already got it once before and we don't even know what the deal is with that story anymore...Swen fears that tokenism can still be a thing for Swan Queen because Eddie and Adam only attempt Swan Mills episodes when their ratings drop and as that becomes a case, so does the question of will they just do Swan Queen to stay on the air and never explore it the way they should... We've been hearing of season seven being the final season and our worry is no longer that they will fuck it up. Quite frankly we don't even want them to write it anymore, we'll take it off their hands and make our own show out of it. The problem arises when they create the asinine plan to use it as a last minute crutch to 'go out with a bang' or something. Like, What if this season completely tanks it and season seven is in fact the last season,right? They get the plan, Hmm maybe we should do Swan Queen in the last episode and that'll justify all of the crap we've put these people through, just to say they did something some grande and amazing thing for us, when in reality, they were trying to save their shitty revenue.

Student directly adjacent: Can I add on to that?

Other student nods.

Student: It really is sad though when we were willing to settle for anything- any sort of thing, just to know we were being heard no matter how much we fought- no matter how much our fandom grandmothers have fought. I think deep down, a lot of us know they just won't do it, like they really won't and even if they do, the luxury of it has just faded. The luxury of it would have faded and they'll try to force it to be overly gooey and 'loving' or cutesy when that's not what we asked for. We asked for a story that was true to life and very much so a proper representation for us all. We asked for a story that proved that strong women can work together and fall in love with one another. That they go through ups and downs and doubts and sticking things out and believing in one another and all of the other good things we've seen.... If we get it, if we are blessed enough to have Swan Queen- We'll be happy, but we'll be tired. We'll be exhausted and still disappointed that it had to come to this for us to be heard... I don't think we'll ever be as happy as we were the first day in season one when they met, if only because of the pain and heartbreak and the amount of horrible things that have been said to us just seems to, hit too many nails in our coffins. The fight will never be over, and we have accepted that, but I think everyone's getting tired of having to fight for something that shouldn't even be in question... and it's not to say we've lost our drive or we're losing hope. We're just done with trying to tell men who clearly don't understand that this is a revolution that needs to happen. This is a change that needs to be seen.. we're done trying to prove something we have too much evidence for to still be called delusional and reaching and all those other things. Everyone's tired of watching some forced 'chemistry' dictate how women should be treated and seen in this world. We're tired of seeing people be criminalized and denied a second chance at a love that won't leave or die on them i.e Regina.. We're done and we are tired of feeling like what we watch is what it will always be- nothing but a dream, an illusion... A fucking fairytale.

Silence encompasses the room and everyone thinks on it. (I legit cried when I thought about this part, so I'm sorry)

Me: We are tired, young ones.. we are, but we fight for us and we fight for you until it's over. We march for us and we march for you until we die and you are right, we have not lost hope.. we've just lost that many damns to give on speaking to a group of people who choose not to understand.... And maybe it is true, maybe we truly won't be fulfilled even if they do give us what we asked for.. what we've pleaded for.. and maybe it will make it all seem like it was in vain and maybe we will feel like we've accomplished nothing because we had to force hand for them to cave or pressure them... your grandmothers, mothers and aunts for this fandom realized many things.. we will not force anyone to give us anything. We will peacefully protest the injustice, but if we are not given what we rightly deserve.... we move on from trying with them and you know what we do? We make a world of our own. Eddie and Adam didn't give Swan Queen life... we did, and you did. They didn't see what we saw. They didn't understand it and they clearly didn't want any part of it, but the dream lives on. The reality lives on- the world keep spinning and life goes on and guess what, so will the memory of Swan Queen....Now I need you all to say this last point with me..together we will do this..

Even if nothing happens. Even if your words fall on deaf ears to some, remember the many that you have made hear you. Remember the many who sat with you and held your hands and kept you together...when things fall away and the glamour goes goodbye, remember your reality, your worth and yourself in all of this- Remember YOUR fight.. Through all things, every hard moment and every distressing situation.. for every negative message- comes ten thousand positive soldiers. Fight on and keep hope..

When you open your mouth and words come out and you say "May I have your attention please?" Remember that those who listen are those who wish to hear.... Remember that your fight is a plea to be heard and someone will listen.. remember that actions and words are one and you fuel them. Remember that when the world around you dies- you are to flourish and bring light back to it... remember that you fight for you just as you fight for me and I do the same... remember from now until the end of time that you've done your part in this world and if it never happens... still, keep hope, because maybe, just maybe...one day it will

With Love, Megan

#to the fandom #Swan queen fandom #swen #swan queen #this is for you guys

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