#she hurts me so much but I desperately want our friendship to work out because I still care about her a lot

[janeyseymour]

Love Thy Neighbor- pt 4

Summary: the aftermath, and your first day of work. good lord.

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3.

WC: ~4.15k

You kiss her back- of course you do. You would be an idiot to pretend that you weren’t attracted to your neighbor turned coworker.

But as soon as you pull away, there’s a look of panic written on your face. “Uh-”

“I- I’m sorry,” the redhead apologizes quickly. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“No. No,” you state. “Don’t apologize. I just, uh…” you turn bright red, nearly as red as the woman’s hair next to you.

She stands awkwardly.

“No,” you sigh. “I- I liked that.”

She sits back down and looks you in the eye. “Oh?”

“Yeah,” you admit quietly. “I did… I just-“ you purse your lips, trying to figure out how to say this without ruining everything that you have going on right now.

“Just say what you’re thinkin’, hun,” Melissa encourages gently.

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship,” you say softly as you evade her eye contact.

“You won’t,” she promises, laying a warm hand over yours.

You suck in a breath before spilling out, “I’ve always thought you were beautiful, but I- I just divorced my husband, I have Ellie to worry about and look after, we’re coworkers now! I- this is all so complicated. I just don’t think now is a great time, and maybe not… maybe not ever.”

Those green eyes look at you with such an understanding that it hurts you- it pains you so much to not be able to give into what you so desperately want to do. You want to be selfish and pull the redhead into your bedroom, tell her that even though you’ve only known her for a short time, she makes you feel more than Jared ever had. But you can’t- because you know there are too many risks involved with this woman, and you do not want to lose a good friend, coworker, and someone that your daughter trusts and loves.

“I understand, hun,” Melissa tells you softly. “I do. It’s okay.”

“Melissa,” you sigh quietly. You stare at your hands, one of hers on top. “I am so-”

“Don’t apologize,” she instructs gently, yet also somehow sternly. “I will not hear it.”

You nod hesitantly before looking into her striking emerald eyes with tear filled eyes of your own.

“Hey,” she says gently. “Don’t cry. There’s no need to cry. We’re okay. I promise.” She tugs you in, allowing you fall into her arms. You cling to her, the perfume that she’s wearing surrounding you.

After a few seconds, you pull back. “Thank you.”

“For what?” she asks. “I didn’t do nothin’.”

“For-” you bite your bottom lip nervously. “For helping out when I need it, and for being there for Ellie, and for helping me get a job, and for… being so understanding about all of this.”

“Of course,” she smiles softly, patting your arm. “I’ll always be here to help in any way I can.” She stands. “I guess I should head back over to my place- school tomorrow.”

“I guess,” you shrug. “Or… you could stay for a little longer? Have another glass and keep watching the movie with me?”

It’s clear that you don’t want to be alone right now.

“You okay?” she asks as she sits back down and wraps an arm around you. She chuckles. “I promise I’m not trying to make any more moves on you- just trying to provide comfort. Barb is a lot better at it than I am.”

“You’re not doing too bad,” you give a choked out laugh, tears still in your eyes. “Y-yeah, I’ll be okay. Just a bit overwhelmed with this new life… missing my old one. The divorce is still pretty raw too.”

“I know that feeling,” she sighs. “My ex-husband and I divorced years ago, and sometimes it still haunts me. So, know that you aren’t alone in those feelings.”

You nod and relax into the couch cushion.

The two of you sit quietly, thoughtfully and neither of you watching the screen in front of you, before she really does have to go get to bed if she’s going to be a functional teacher tomorrow.

You see her out, thanking her again, before sighing. You close the door gently before leaning up against it. Deciding that you still don’t want to be alone, you go to Ellie’s room. She’s fast asleep surrounded by her stuffed animals, but she’s clutching something in her arms. 

You gently arrange her so that you can see what she’s- she’s holding onto a picture of you, her, and your ex-husband. Jared has an arm wrapped around you, his smile is bright. You have Ellie on your hip, and she’s giggling at something that he had said to make her laugh for the picture. You have a clear look of love in your eyes as you look down on your sweet little girl.

Those times were… so good. Simple. Full of what you thought was love. If only you had known he was sleeping around with Sharon, and Sarah, and Heather, and Autumn, and… whoever the hell else he was before finally deciding to dedicate most of his time to Jen and not you.

You wipe the tears that have rolled down your cheek with the back of your hand before you simply curl up next to your daughter and hold her as you try to ground yourself. You fall asleep. holding her protectively- as if you could shield her from all of the terrible things that happen in the world. She snuggles into your body, smiling in her sleep and letting out a soft hum.

The next morning, Ellie is jumping on your chest to wake you up at the ass crack of dawn.

“Momma, momma, momma!” she shakes you.

You groan, keeping your eyes closed. “Momma’s sleeping, baby.”

“No you’re not! I’m hungry, and I wanna go to school!”

You open one eye, just barely, to see that beautiful girl of yours. You turn your head to look at the unicorn alarm clock on her pink bedside table. Next to it is the picture of your torn apart family, and your heart hurts for just a second before you see the time: 5:30.

“Elizabeth, it’s too early to be awake,” you groan as you pull her from off of you and gently set her next to you. You pull her in close to your chest. “Go back to sleep, baby girl.”

“But I’m wide awake!” she tells you.

“And I am not,” you chuckle. “Lay with me until the clock says six, and then we can talk about breakfast and getting up.”

Your daughter sighs, but she does relax against you. You hold her tight, reveling in the fact that while everything has been turned upside down in your world, Ellie is your one constant. You have your little girl- she’s all yours, and you’re going to do everything you can for her.

The next time you wake up, you’re slamming your fist on the alarm clock, turning it off. Ellie is fast asleep on your chest, the smallest droplet of drool falling from her mouth.

“Ellie Belly,” you jostle her gently. “It’s time to wake up for school, my love.”

Her little head pops up, and you chuckle at her wild bedhead. “Mrs. Howard?”

“Yes, my love,” you smile. “It’s time to start getting ready to go see Mrs. Howard.”

She uses you as a launch pad to jump up, and you let out a small groan. She’s opening her closet to pick out her outfit before you can even sit up.

You get her ready before starting on breakfast and getting yourself at least somewhat presentable for the day. You know you’re going to head into the school to set up your new room before you start to DoorDash. You should look at least somewhat professional entering the school.

As you shuffle your daughter out the door, you’re met with the redhead.

“Hey,” she smiles at the two of you, sunglasses already over her eyes.

“Miss Mel!” Ellie absolutely lights up. “Are you gonna take me to school again today?”

“Not today, little love,” you tut softly. “Momma’s gonna bring you. We’re gonna take the bike.”

The redhead frowns. “When are you getting your car out here?”

“Not for another few weeks,” you sigh.

“I can give the two of you a lift if you want,” Melissa tells you. “I really don’t mind.”

“Oh, I have to get back home somehow,” you chuckle nervously. 

“You can bring my car back, so long as you promise to pick us back up at the end of the day,” the woman counters.

You bite your lip, hesitant to accept her offer to help. But Ellie is looking up at you with pleading eyes. So you nod before opening your front door back up and grabbing the booster seat for her.

You get Ellie settled in the car before climbing into the passenger seat. “Thank you.”

She just smiles at you as she pulls out of the parking garage and onto the busy streets of center city Philadelphia.

She hums softly to the music that is coming from the speakers before turning and asking you, “Any big plans for the day?”

You shrug. “I’ll probably be biking back and forth today with the supplies from the storage locker for my new room.” 

“Use my car for the day,” she tells you without any sort of hesitation. “Less trips, more time to set up.”

“I- I couldn’t ask that of you.”

“You didn’t,” she chuckles. “I’m offering to help.”

“I’m paying you for gas,” you tell her, hitting her with a look that leaves no room for argument.

“No you ain’t,” your coworker laughs. “Just make dinner again sometime soon, and we’ll call it even.”

“I like it more when you cook, Miss Mel,” Ellie makes her thoughts very clear.

You roll your eyes at that comment and look back at her. She’s giving you the most innocent little smile, and your heart melts. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

Melissa pulls into a spot in the parking lot before grabbing her bags. “C’mon. I’ll show you where your room is.”

It happens to be the room right next to hers. You glance around, and you can make this work. It just needs some brightening up.

“Ellie,” the redhead says softly, gathering the attention of your daughter. “Your momma has to get going, and Miss Mel is gonna head into the teacher’s lounge for some coffee and morning news. You coming?”

Your daughter nods excitedly. “Can I bring my book?”

“Of course,” the second grade teacher smiles softly. “Say goodbye to your momma though first.”

Ellie bounces over to you and flings herself into you. You chuckle, crouching down to her level before hugging her tightly. You release her, and Melissa plants her car keys in your hands.

“Seriously,” you say softly. “Thank you. I’ll be making my poppyseed chicken tonight if you want to join us.”

She nods. “I’ll bring the wine.”

You spend most of your day heading back and forth between the storage locker that has your teaching supplies and the school. You have a thin sheen of sweat dousing your brow by the time the school bell rings to signify that the day is over, but your classroom looks great. It’s bright and full of positivity, and you couldn’t be more satisfied with the progress that you had made.

You gather your purse and a few things that you won’t be needing before heading outside to gather your girl in your arms.

“Momma!” Ellie catches sight of you before you can make your way out the door. She’s holding onto Melissa’s hand tightly with a grin on her face.

You open your arms up wide for her, and she drops your neighbors hand to come running into your arms. “Hi, my love. Did you have a good day at school?”

She nods enthusiastically before looking back at Melissa. “Mrs. Howard let me sneak into the secret room to give her a hug again. I love Miss Mel.”

“I know you do,” you chuckle.

“Can I be her helper while we wait for her to go home?” your daughter requests softly. “She needs help making sure everyone gets to their people.”

“If that’s okay with Miss Mel,” you chuckle.

Ellie walks on her toes back over to the redhead and tugs gently on her sleeve. She asks before raising her arms up for Melissa to pick her up. Of course, your neighbor obliges with a smile. Ellie wraps her arms around her neck and lays her head on the leather jacket gently.

You can’t help but smile as you watch the two of them together. Ellie is so comfortable with Melissa, and it makes your heart so happy to see that she’s content with someone besides you- she had always been a bit more hesitant around new adults. But Melissa had swooped right in and made her way into Ellie’s heart. You know that Melissa has a special place in your daughter’s heart too.

Dismissal is over, and you follow Melissa back into the school for her to gather her things, Ellie still on the redhead’s hip slumped over and clearly asleep.

You offer to take Ellie off her hands for her.

“I got her,” Melissa smiles, holding Ellie with such tender love and care.

You chuckle. “Are you sure? I know she gets heavy after a while, and you’ve been holding her for the past twenty minutes.”

“I got her,” the redhead is adamant as she grabs her purse and slings it over her other shoulder. “How’s your room coming along? Mind if I sneak in and take a look?”

You nod, although you’re nervous. You hope she finds it to be suitable. She walks in and her eyes go wide.

“Wow, Y/N,” she says softly. “This looks incredible. The kids are going to love it.”

You blush and mumble a thanks before following her out the door to head to her car. Melissa puts Ellie in the car and buckles her in with a soft chuckle. She moves the stray hairs out of her face before closing the door gently. You hand her the keys that she puts her hand out for before climbing into the car.

The ride home is peaceful. She tells you what some of your future students are up to, and she explains that they are more than excited to meet you. That makes you smile- although you hope you can live up to the hype.

When you get home, Ellie is awake and feeling refreshed from her nap. She’s immediately asking if she can help you make dinner for her favorite person. You allow her to mix the sauce together, and you can’t help the chuckle you let out when she steals a taste.

“My silly girl,” you say softly. She’s growing up before your eyes.

“Can I go get Miss Mel?!” she asks.

You roll your eyes playfully. “I think someone has a new favorite person… and it isn’t Momma! How rude!”

“No! No!” Ellie is quick to hug you tightly. “You’re my favoritest person in the whole wide world! Miss Mel is just my second favoritest person.”

You squeeze her right back. “That’s so kind of you to say. Go ahead… get Mel.”

She runs off, and you take a deep breath to collect yourself. Hearing that you were her favorite person in the world- it melts your heart. But you also remember a time where a five year old Ellie would proudly announce that Momma and Daddy were her two favorite people in the world. Now it’s just you.

A stray tear falls down your face, and you’re quick to wipe it away when you hear the front door open again.

“-And I helped Momma make it!” Ellie finishes her sentence as she drags Melissa into your kitchen.

You quickly wipe away the second tear that makes its way down your cheek before turning around with a broad smile on your face. Melissa sees right through your act though, and she gives you a questioning look. You silently shake your head, indicating that you’re fine. She doesn’t believe you and mouths that you’ll talk about it later.

Ellie launches herself up at you, and you’re quick to hold her close to you, peppering her cheeks with the kisses that she deserves. “Little miss was the best co-chef,” you let out a thick chuckle.

Dinner goes on as it usually does, and then the three of you settle on the couch. Ellie watches the usual cartoon that she loves in Melissa’s lap before she’s dozing off. You suppose that her nap only kept her refreshed for a bit.

The redhead looks down and laughs softly, rubbing Ellie’s back soothingly. “She was exhausted after recess today… told me all about the crazy game of tag she was playing with her classmates.”

“Sounds like my little girl,” you say as you settle your gaze on your sweet girl. “At least she’ll sleep through the night.”

“She doesn’t let you sleep?” the woman laughs as she looks down again.

“She uses the bathroom at least three times a night most nights… and every time, she bellows for me- poor thing is scared of the dark,” you sigh. “Even with all of the nightlights we have around. And then she’s up at the ass crack of dawn.”

“Sounds like a six year old,” Melissa laughs. “Well, I guess I should get going. School tomorrow and everything.”

You nod and take Ellie off of her. Your little girl scrunches her nose in her sleep, and you pray she doesn’t wake up. If she does, it’ll be at least another twenty minutes before your neighbor can leave for the night. Thankfully, she settles into your hold, clinging to your shirt.

“Goodnight, Mel,” you say softly. “Thank you again for helping us out today.”

“Have her ready to go at the same time tomorrow,” Melissa instructs. “I’ll take her in while you do whatever you have to get done tomorrow.” You go to protest. “And I will not be taking no for an answer.”

You close your eyes and huff. “Okay.”

The next few days continue on the same way, with Melissa taking you and Ellie to and from the school. It’s very kind of her to do. The three of you have meals together, and you and Melissa have started cooking together.

On Friday, you finish your DoorDashing shift a bit early, bike your way back to the apartment complex, and pick up Melissa’s car. You grab the things that you want to place on the desks before heading out. You pull in and get buzzed into the school.

The secretary smiles as she sees you, handing you the badge that they’ve been promising you the entire week, and you head down to your classroom.

You set the little trinkets on the desks for your students and then head over to Melissa’s room.

The weekend is nice. The three of you actually spend most of your time together. You and Melissa take Ellie to the park, you get coffee at the redhead’s favorite little shop, and then you make dinner together. Melissa helps put your daughter to bed, and it’s all good and fine.

Come Monday, you’re a nervous wreck. Ellie is exhausted from the extravagant weekend, and she is not a happy camper. Even Melissa coming over to make breakfast can’t quite wake her up.

“Momma cannot deal with this Elizabeth,” you grit out as she squirms. 

At her full first name, your daughter pauses. Her little mouth forms into an ‘O’, and she stops her protests until it’s time to shuffle her out the door.

“I don’t wanna take the bike!” she groans and stomps her feet. “I wanna drive with Miss Mel!”

“And Momma wants to bike.”

“I don’t care!”

“Elizabeth Ruth,” you say sternly. You close your eyes and take a deep breath, attempting to ground yourself.

Melissa lays a gentle hand on your shoulder, and it’s so comforting.

“Miss Mel will take us today, but we cannot keep bumming rides off of her,” you tell your daughter. You get her into the car, and only when you’re pulling out of the garage does the redhead offer you a gentle smile.

“Hey. It’s all gonna be okay,” she tells you softly. “And you ain’t bumming rides off me. I like giving you guys rides.”

You shake your head and your hands out in attempts to soothe yourself.

“I know you’re nervous, but today is going to be just fine, you’ll be with me, and-”

“Why do you get to spend all day with Miss Mel?!” Ellie screeches from the back seat. The idea of you spending time with the redhead without her throws her into an absolute fit. She’s kicking your seat and crying, and you finally snap.

“Elizabeth Ruth!” you whip around. “Enough! I will only be with Melissa because I will be doing my job, and you’ll still get to see us both when Mrs. Howard walks you down to the staff room, and you will see her during dismissal!”

Your sharp voice makes your daughter freeze. Her tears subside, and she’s reduced to sniffles.

You soften. “I’m sorry, love. Momma’s just a bit stressed this morning.”

“It’s okay, Momma,” Ellie whimpers. “”s ‘kay.”

You feel bad for snapping on her, and when the three of you get out of the car, Ellie insists on staying by Melissa’s side.

“For today, you’re just sticking by my side and observing, but feel free to run out whenever you have to,” the redhead tells you once she’s gotten her stuff settled, and Ellie is sitting in one of the bean bag chairs in the back of the room. “If you need to make copies, continue setting up your room, use the bathroom… anything like that.”

“You nod.”

“I’m heading down to the staff lounge for some coffee and to watch the news if you want to join,” the redhead tells you. Ellie is immediately at her side and asking to be picked up, to which Melissa does immediately.

You follow them down to the lounge silently, nerves coming back full force.

The second grade teacher introduces you to her friends and tells them that you’re Ellie’s mother, but also their newest staff member.

Janine is quick to introduce herself and tell you that she’s willing to help you in any way you might need, that you’re so lucky to have Melissa as your mentor, and that your daughter is just the cutest thing.

Everyone else is just as kind, although not quite as interested in you. Barbara just smiles gently at you and nods- she already knows of you and the interest her work wife has taken on you.

The lounge time is nice, a time for you to recollect yourself, but it’s over far too soon. You walk Ellie down to her kindergarten classroom and give her a warm hug and kiss. 

“I love you, little girl,” you whisper to her, kissing her hairline.

“I love you too, Momma,” she says just as softly. She lets you go and hugs Melissa just as tightly before telling the woman that she loves her too.

Although Ellie had said it before, this one feels much more heartfelt from your little girl, and the redhead can’t help the tears that well in her eyes. “I love you too, El.”

The two of you leave your daughter with Barbara and head back to her room.

“You okay?” the redhead asks you gently.

You nod as confidently as you can, but she can read your body language. “Nervous.”

She reaches for your hand gently and squeezes it. It’s so warm, and full of comfort, and just everything you need right now. Her eyes are soft and you can see the amount of love and care that she has for you in her eyes. You swoon- almost. 

You squeeze hers back, as if to silently say thank you. And then neither of you let go. You just continue on down to her room, your hand in her own.

When you get there and pull apart, your cheeks turn red. You shouldn’t have held her hand the whole way down. But before you can apologize or say anything to her, one of the kids is running in, so excited to tell Melissa all about her day after school yesterday.

You retreat back to her back table where your things are and sigh. You watch her handle this child with so much care, but it’s just not the same as when it’s Ellie. It melts your heart that you now know that your girl has a special place in her heart. But at the same time, it makes it so much more complicated- your feelings for her. 

This is going to be interesting.

#melissa schemmenti fanfic #melissa schemmenti x you #melissa schemmenti x reader #melissa schemmenti #abbott elementary fanfic #abbott elementary fanfiction #abbott elementary

[literallyjusttoa]

Friendship is Magic (Post-Toa Version)

About a year ago I made a couple posts about some niche gods I wanted Apollo to become friends with and now I’m back at it! Have some more post-toa relationships for our dear boy. (Warning, this is really long)

Prometheus: Ok, so I actually already said I want Apollo and Prometheus to be friends, but over the last year I have only grown to find this idea to be so interesting. I see the two of them as being so similar, with a strong love and respect for mortals, and a bleeding heart that ostracizes them from their family, who are more easily able to turn a blind eye to any tragedies that occur. But while I think their base personalities and motivations are similar, I think their tactics differ just enough to cause conflict. But the two respect each other so much that they can push and pull at each other enough to find a middle ground. Apollo has always been impressed by Prometheus’ craftiness, and lengths he’s willing to go for his own beliefs. Prometheus has held affection for Apollo for a long time, mainly bc he’s Leto’s son and he pleaded with Zeus to let Prometheus out of his punishment. Recently tho, Prometheus has been relieved to finally see another immortal who is just as against the state of Olympus as he is.

Idk if I’m explaining this right, but like. Apollo’s going to spend a lot of time trying to bring his family around to accepting the flaws of Olympus and the way they treat mortals. And that’s good! And he wants to do that! But when you’ve been a victim of a corrupt system, and then you have to spend a lot of mental energy helping other people realize how much this system hurts people, it can be such a relief to talk with someone who already agrees with you that things are fucked. LIke, “yeah, you don’t have to convince me that you’ve been hurt, I’m not going to challenge you on that at all, or try to justify it, I just believe you, and I agree that things need to change.” That’s what I want these two to be for each other. 

Menoitios: The brother of Prometheus, and Titan of violent rage and rashness. If Prometheus allows Apollo to air out his hurt, Menoitios helps him to work with the violent, and often terrifying responses he’s had to the trauma he’s ignored. Apollo has not been a good person, and he is often horrified by the actions he’s taken in the past. Instead of letting him spiral, Menoitios tells him that he can’t stop these behaviors until he finds the reasons behind them. He also tells Apollo that the emotion that often led to him lashing out and hurting or even killing others, that feral rage that came from being raised up in such a toxic society and being harmed on such a deep level, does not have to be inherently harmful. They work through coping mechanisms, and work on using that rage to make real change. Oftentimes, Apollo and Menoitios can be found sparring, no holds barred. They go until their energy is spent, and then Menoitios carts Apollo over to Prometheus and caringly forces him to talk it out. 

Aporia: Aporia is one of Nyx’s kids! I picked her specifically bc while there are a lot of Nyx’s children that I think would be interesting for Apollo to interact with, Aporia’s domain is especially interesting to me. Aporia is the personification of want, difficulty and powerlessness. These are three things that Apollo has definitely struggled with, and will continue to struggle with as he goes on post-toa. It’s especially hard for him because these three emotions are so heavily looked down upon on Olympus. Gods are not allowed to desperately want, or to struggle, or to be powerless. Apollo has hidden these feelings away for so long, and then he was forced back into them during the trials. It’s jarring, and he hasn’t really found peace with it yet. So when he starts getting visits from a literal representation of the parts of himself he wants to push down the most, he freaks out. But Aporia is not there to make him more powerless, or wanting. Instead, she wants him to embrace these parts of himself, to understand how they make him whole. The two of them struggle to connect, but when they do, their friendship is so impactful. 

Boreas: I have been introduced to this ship and I actually love it oml. With Boreas, Apollo gets the one thing that he really needs after the trials. REST. Boreas pulls Apollo away from Olympus, and lets him get some good rest in his palace. It helps that the two of them have a very peaceful, slow and steady sort of relationship, where there are very little expectations on either side. (Basically, you’re hot, I’m hot, we wanna make out sometimes, let's just do that and be chill about it) Boreas is calm, but can be very stern at times. When he knows what needs to be done, he gets it done. Oftentimes this no-nonsense attitude helps Apollo to start moving too. When Apollo wants to give in, Boreas is the type to be like “You can rest for a while here, and when you get up again, I’ll help you figure out what to do.” And especially post-toa this is really helpful for Apollo. They cute <3.

Euphrosyne: Apollo’s half-sister! She’s the daughter of Zeus and Eurynome. She’s also one of the Kharites (Charities, or Graces) and she’s the goddess of Mirth. I think after Jason, Apollo reached out to some of his half-siblings, honestly just wanting to make sure they’re all doing ok. He and Euphrosyne hit it off quickly, and the two of them really just have fun together. Apollo is a person who feels his emotions so strongly, both sorrow and joy. So while he needs people around him to help him through his tragedies, he also needs someone who can match him at the levels of wonder and delight. These two hype each other up a lot, and while that might be two much for others, it’s what the two of them need to work through the emotions they have. They watch movies and listen to music that they rant about for hours, gush about their closest friends and family, and just sit and bask in it all sometimes. It’s just a lil bubble of joy and comfort. 

Haha psych! Got you! I disguised this as a friends post, but it’s actually my roundabout way of giving Apollo therapy while there’s no god of therapy!! Heehee I’m such a prankster!!

#trials of apollo #toa apollo #lester papadopoulos #sunny speaks #long post #shut up sunny #I wrote this all rly quick so it's a bit all over the place but yeah #friends

[dino-cattivo]

Pray for me, cos I won't pray for you

My fic for the @the-centennial-husbands-bigbang!

The amazing art for this fic was done by @jeniidrawsshit and oh my god I love it so so much. It is just so amazing.

LINK TO THE ART!!! GO CHECK IT OUT!!

Pairing: Hob/Dream

Rating: mature

Word Count: 40,657

Tags: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Blood, Canon-Typical Violence, gore like the dinner episode, The Corinthian is His Own Warning (The Sandman), Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Attempted Sexual Assault, Blood and Injury, Alternate Universe - Mob, Organized Crime, Hob joins the mafia, Self Confidence Issues, Hob Gadling Loves Dream of the Endless | Morpheus, POV Hob Gadling, Hob Gadling Needs A Hug, Misunderstandings

Summery: After their fight in 1889 Hob falls in with a bad crowd thanks to a boy that reminds him of Robyn. He tries to stop his descent into crime not wanting to be reduced to being nothing more than a murderer again. But eh fails. Compared to all the live he ends helping to guard a basement is tame. If only Corinthian, the right hand man of his employer, would stop flirting with him despite being turned down multiple times already.

Chapter 1 under the cut. Will repost the next chapters as reblog because of word limit.

~1889~

“You knew Lady Johanna. You know, Lushing Lou. You know everyone, don't you?” Hob asked in wonder. He may not know who or rather what his stranger was, but he could never help but be amazed by everything he could do. Sometimes when he laid awake, unable to catch sleep, he came up with the wildest theories about the man. He imagines him being a vampire, a fae, and even considered an old god from Greece. But he would never know, as his stranger never revealed anything about himself, not even his name. 

It felt unfair in a way. Him knowing everything about Hob, while Hob got nothing. It had crossed his mind to be petty, to keep things to himself, go against their deal in a way. But Hob couldn’t stop himself from telling the man whatever he could when they saw each other, eager to be able to share.  

“I saw her again, you know.”

“Who? Lady Johanna?” Worry flared up. He knew his stranger was fine, sitting across the table from him. He also knew the man was strong enough to protect himself. But he couldn’t help wanting to be there, to protect, to keep his stranger safe, even at the cost of his own freedom.

“She undertook a task for me and succeeded admirably, I might add.”

Jealousy, burning hot, filling his veins. He tried to tamper it down, to net let it get to him, but he couldn’t help himself. All the time he had wanted nothing more than to get close to his stranger, to prove his worth, and now he had offered that chance to someone else. He had chosen someone who had hunted them down and tried to do harm instead of someone he shared centuries of friendship with.

It hurt. 

Although, could he hold it against his stranger? The man knew Hob for so long, knew what he has done, knew all his failures during his long life. So it was no wonder he didn’t trust Hob enough to ask him for a favor. His voice was filled with self-loathing as he spoke. “That might be the only thing I've learned after 500 years. People are almost always better than you think they are. Not me, though. Still the same as ever.”

“I think perhaps you've changed.” Hob’s heart started beating faster at the other’s words. Did he really think so? Hob wished it was true. He wants to change, to be good, worthy of his stranger.

“Well, I may have learned a bit from my mistakes. But, uh… doesn't seem to stop me from making them. I think it's you that's changed.”

“How so?”

Hob should shut up now and be content with what he had, seeing the man he had fallen for every hundred years. He should not press the issue, no matter how desperate he was to be acknowledged by the other. But Hob had never been smart when it came to things he desired.

“I think I know why we still meet here, century after century. It's not because you want to see whether or not I'm ready to seek death. I don't think I'll ever seek death. By now, you know that about me. So, I think you're here for something else.”

“And what might that be?” His stranger looked curious at that. Hob liked the look as it meant he had done something to surprise the man.

“Friendship. I think you're lonely.” And in true Hob fashion, he managed to put his foot in his mouth. He knew the moment he had spoken, he had made a mistake. It was the truth, but the wording was just unfortunate and way too blunt. And not at all how he had planned to breach the topic.

“You dare…”

“No, look, I'm not saying–,” Hob tried to backpedal, but it was too late. “You… dare suggest one such as I might need your companionship.”

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

Maybe despite Hob’s foolish approach, there was a chance all of this still had a good outcome, and they would get closer. “Then I shall take my leave of you and prove you wrong.” Or maybe not. Hob sprang up from his chair and chased after his stranger as the man strode out of the tavern. The man couldn’t do this. If he wanted or not, they were friends. You didn’t just storm off and leave your friends behind.

“I'll tell you what, I'll be here in 100 years' time. If you're here then, too, it'll be because we're friends. No other reason, right?” He was met by silence as his stranger didn’t seem fit to answer and just disappeared. 

“Fսck.” 

~1897~

He was pissed, absolutely livid. Who did he think he was? He had no right to speak to Hob like this, no matter how powerful he was. That was not how things worked. You couldn’t be an asshole like that and expect people to stick around. Hob didn’t need him. They saw each other only every hundredth years, and even then the stranger often didn’t have time for Hob and fucked off with someone else. So what if Shakespeare was famous now? Hob would still have been better company back then. No, he didn’t need the man. He would make new friends. Better ones.

~1936~

Okay, so maybe mistakes had been made and Hob should have chosen his words more carefully. That was on him. His stranger still shouldn’t have exploded like this and should rather have tried to talk things out like a grown up, but still – Hob hadn’t been entirely blameless in the situation.

When they saw each other the next time he would have to apologize and maybe then they could laugh together about the stupid fight. Or well, Hob had never seen his stranger laugh, couldn’t even imagine it. He would settle for a smirk then.

~1983~

Anxiety was settled deep in his chest. What if his stranger proved him wrong. What if he didn’t show, determined to not give in. Hob had no way of finding him. He didn’t even know who he was looking for. What would Hob even do? Nothing besides showing up in the White Horse every hundred years and praying at some point his stranger would forgive him and come for him. 

Once more, he felt powerless in their relationship. It was the whole reason why he had even started the fight, wanting to know more, anything about his stranger. He didn’t want to be on equal footing, knowing it would never be, but he wanted something that was his. He didn’t want to be just another amusement the man had, but to mean at least something to the other. 

Tears sprung to his eyes as he hit his desk in frustration. It was unfair. The stranger meant too much to him, was such a big part of his life, and Hob didn’t even know if he was the only immortal he kept. Maybe Shakespeare was out there under a new name, living his best life and meeting his stranger more often than every hundredth years. And there was nothing Hob could do about it, no way for him to even find out.

Knowing he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on any more work, he gathered his documents and put them in a briefcase before leaving the empty office and making his way through the dark street. They were in the progress of having the gas street-lamps replaced by electrical once, but it was slow progress. And during it many streets stayed dark, since repairing gaslights when they were about to be replaced was a waste of resources according to the major. Hob didn’t care too much, he didn’t fear the dark.

He should have.

A dark figure stepped in front of him, barely noticeable in the moonlight. Turning around to run, he saw another figure blocking the other exit of the street and walking towards Hob. A flash of metal in the dark, a weapon. Hob swallowed, not because he was scared, he had survived much worse, but because it spelled trouble, and he couldn’t risk anyone finding out he was immortal. Not with times changing and hiding who he was becoming more and more difficult.

“Your money or your life,” Hob had to suppress a snort at the nasal voice. Ah, criminals, always the same no matter how many centuries passed. He remembered the time well, when he was in the other's position, stopping the carriages of rich folks and demanding the valuables. He had used the exact same words. Although, he guessed there was no much need for flair when it came to such simple matters.

“Alright, I will give you what I have. Please don’t hurt me,” Hob held up his hands, talking calm and trying not to provoke them. He couldn’t die, sure, but being stabbed hurt like a freaking bitch. Hob would rather part with some cash he had on hand and his watch. Nothing holding real value to him, and easy enough to replace. 

So very slowly and telegraphing his movement clearly, he reached inside his coat and pulled out his wallet, holding it out until it was snatched from his fingers. Next was his watch that got the same treatment. And still Hob was well-behaved, not struggling, calm and cooperating. He gave no reason for the situation to escalate, giving his robbers all chances to just leave now with their loot.

Which was why Hob was so surprised when pain exploded at the side of his head. He stumbled, his knee hitting the pavement, his palm getting scratched as he caught himself. Blinking, he tried to lift the haze from his thoughts as he looked up at the two shapes hovering above him. 

It was only instincts, honed through centuries with conflicts, that saved him, his head ducking automatically as he heard the swish of metal through the air. But just because the knife didn't slash his face didn't mean he was safe, as he was not as fortunate in avoiding the kick to his side. He cried out as pain exploded in his ribs. Every fiber of his being wanted him to curl up and protect his soft belly, but he forced down this instinct with gritted teeth. 

No, if you wanted to survive, you had to fight with everything you got. Using the momentum of the kick, he stumbled back to his feet, and got some distance between himself and the attackers. Despite the throbbing in his head, he now could see them more clearly, that was not the face of someone just messing around. No, they wore big smiles, and were enjoying his pain. They wouldn't stop. At least not on their own. 

One of them, heavy dark coat, spindly frame, soon ran towards Hob, knife in hand. Amateur movements. Hob stepped forward, getting close, deflected the blade by smacking the other's arm. His knee meets the other's stomach, sending him down. Before he could make sure he stayed down the other man, this one smaller but wider, jumped on him, and they tumbled to the ground.

That was fine. Hob knew how to wrestle and had the other in a chokehold in seconds. Still two against one, but he kicked out the legs of the man running towards him to tear him off his friend.

The body was suddenly in free-fall, arms whirling trying to get back balance. 

Then a sickening crunch and Hob froze.  

He had heard it often during his lifetime. He had sworn he would no longer be the cause of it. 

Looking over, he didn't need to see the neck bend in an awkward position to know the man was gone. 

Hob had killed him. He hadn't meant to, it had been an accident. But he had killed someone. 

After all the lifetime he had lead and all the killing and dying he had done, he had wanted to be done with it. He just wanted to live in peace and do let others do the same. But now he had ripped someone else out of their life. How could he live with himself knowing what he had just done. 

“Chris,” the man, Hob was still entangled on the ground with, cried out and struggled to free himself. Hob helped him as best as he could now that he was no longer in danger of being attacked. 

Getting up himself, he saw the man kneeling next to the body crying, shaking it and begging for Chris to open his eyes. The man didn’t. They never did. Once someone was gone, there was nothing you can do, no matter how you cried out to your stranger to spare them. 

Suddenly the man got up, swinging at Hob, but in his grief it had become uncoordinated and Hob easily stopped the punch. 

“You murderer! You killed him!”

He hadn’t meant to. And it wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t attacked him. But pointing that out wouldn’t help, as the man would not listen to reason. He wanted someone to be angry at, to blame, to lessen his own guilt. And Hob was the perfect target. Hob stopped the other punch and just held on as the man cried. It was the least Hob could do.

There was the sound of footsteps in the distance, spooking the man, and he ripped himself free and started stumbling away. Hob didn’t stop him, just sitting down on the ground next to the cooling body and waited. He should probably call the police, but he couldn’t bring himself to move, so he just waited. How long he didn’t know, but at some point steps came closer and when he looked up Hob could see men in uniform entering the alley. The police has arrived. 

Hob didn’t resist when he was dragged up and cold iron snapped around his wrist. Neither when he was pulled away. Everything was a blur. He didn’t remember how they made it to the station, just that he found himself in a chair, an officer sitting on the other side of the desk staring him down.

He was asked questions he can’t answer, the full name of the victim, their relationship and most of all why he did it. All Hob can say is, it was an accident, I didn’t mean to, they attacked me first, I just tried to defend myself, then he fell. Over and over, he repeats it like a mantra. Something to hang on when everyone wants to make him believe he did it on purpose. When their words make him question himself. 

I didn’t mean to. It was an accident. I was just defending myself.

He didn’t know how much time has passed, there was no clock in the room nor window. His voice was rough and black spots dance on the edge of his vision, they hadn’t bothered giving him a glass of water. The blood in his hair from the first swing he took was dry and flaking off every time he shakes his head in denial. His ribs throb with every breath.

He was about to just nod, accept whatever they said if it meant he will be thrown into a cell where he could lay down and close his eyes. It would ruin his life, but wouldn’t that be right after what he had done? A few years of suffering was the least he deserved. Especially since he unlike others had the option to start anew after faking his death.

His downward spiral was stopped by a man bargain in, under loud protests of some officers. The man’s briefcase hit the desk hard, and Hob flinched back at the loud noise.

“Don’t say anything,” sharp blue eyes drilled into Hob’s making him cower at the imposing figure in front of him. The man commanded respect, not because of the nice suit he was wearing or the expensive jewelry or because he was even taller than Hob, but in the way he held himself, his presence filling the whole room. 

So Hob shut his mouth. It was not like anyone was really listening to what he had to say anyway. And not speaking would be good for the scratching in his throat. His fate now would be decided if the new person was a friend or someone wanting to drag him down. Hob didn’t have the strength to fight anymore.

“You,” the man whirled on the officer, making him duck on instinct, only to puff up and try to make himself more imposing when he noticed. “Tell me how it comes that you had him in here for 8 hours and couldn’t even be bothered to give him a glass of water nor give him medical attention? Where are we? At the witch trials,” Hob flinched hard at the words, remembering the trials only too well. Back then he had broken as well, admitting to anything as long as it meant the pain would end. 

To his surprise, the stranger pushed his briefcase further on the desk, blocking Hob’s slumped form from view and gave him at least a bit of privacy as he fought with his demons.

“He killed a man! What do you expect? A fluffed up pillow and a three-course meal?”

“Human decency!” The officer was now absolutely cowering under the pressure, despite his best efforts. “Or are you that desperate you couldn’t take the 10 minutes to have him checked over? Maybe because you know you don’t have a case?”

“Bullshit! I know you love to put your nose where it doesn’t belong, Mr. Henderson. He killed the guy. We found him next to the corpse, and he admitted it was him who made the deceased fall.”

“And wasn’t he also quite persistence that the deceased and another man were the once attacking him, and he was just defending himself? Or are you just going to ignore that? So I suggest instead of harassing the victim, you should rather be out there looking for the second attacker.”

And the officer, despite his complaints and grumbling, got up and left the room. There was no way to know if he was really searching for the other attacker, and if there was even a chance to find the man with how little information Hob had been able to give, but getting a breather was enough for Hob.

His head laid on the desk, the cold helping against his headache, and he just rested his eyes for a moment. He heard movement but ignored Mr. Henderson for now. Or at least he tried to, but the man kneeled down next to Hob’s chair and his hand laid on Hob’s knee. 

Blinking his eyes back open was an effort, but Hob managed and looked down at the concerned eyes looking up at him.

“Mr. Gadling, I wish could say it will be alright, but your situation doesn’t look good. But rest assured, I will do anything in my power to get you out of this.”

“I don’t think I have the money to pay your commission,” Hob was not poor. But the last years after he had fought with his friend, he had let himself go. Gambling, and throwing money at unnecessary luxuries just because he could. When he had pulled his head out of his ass, he had already spent most of his fortune and was now living like the middle class. Not bad, but not enough to pay a man wearing jewelry that could feed a family for at least a year.

“Don’t worry about money. Just focus on getting through this.”

Hob snorted, so either once he was out the man would make demands to be paid back another way, forcing Hob into his servitude, or he was just plain stupid. Saying that straight to the man’s face was not the best idea, but the man just laughed.

“Personally, I see myself as someone just trying to do the right thing, reforming the misdeeds in the justice system.”

So, delusional. But Hob could work with that. And having a delusional lawyer was better than not having one at all, so accepting the help would be best.

“The biggest problem is all we have to confirm your story is your word. Even if the police showed an ounce of competence and finds the other robber, he will tell his own story.” Hob knew all that. He didn’t know why the other even bothered, since there was no way he would get out of here. Not with everyone in the station being hellbent on making sure he went to prison. But at least he got to go to a holding cell for now and take a nap until Mr. Henderson would return the next day. 

And return he did with a big smile on his face. The police had not found the other robber, but they had found a woman hanging around the alleyway, and with a bit of pressure she had admitted to seeing the whole thing backing up Hob’s story. The officers complained and tried to poke holes in his defense, but in the end they had no other option but to accept that his actions had been to defend his own life. 

Things dragged on, Hob being pushed from one cell to the other as people discussed his fate. Mr. Henderson, please call me Edward, was there every step of the way and the only reason why Hob didn’t fell apart. 

Still, Hob couldn’t believe it when the judge finally spoke the words not guilty, and he was stepping into the sun. Till the last moment he had waited for the second shoe to drop, for someone to jump out and present new evidence sending him to jail.

Turning to Edward standing beside him, smiling brightly, he couldn’t help himself, but pulling the man into his arms and thanking him under tears. The man had been there for him, like a true friend, and if he ever needed it, Hob would be there for him in return.

He had lost his stranger, but he was not alone. There were good people out there, just waiting for him. All Hobs had to do was open his heart and accept them. 

With this being over, Hob could move on with his life. Things finally looked up. Or they did until he found out he had no longer a job because of his long absence and his old boss was unwilling to hire a killer despite Hob being proclaimed not guilty. Hob didn’t understand it, but he was unwilling to start a fight. He could find someplace else. Only words of his case had spread through the whole city, and no one was willing to hire him. And without a job there was no money which meant he would be unable to pay his upcoming rent.

But nothing he tried worked. The only positions willing to hire him wouldn’t even make a dent in his rent, even if he had three jobs. And with the housing shortage, there was no place else he could live that would be cheaper. He could move, somewhere no one knew him. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave London. This was his home, where his only friend lived. And he had to be here in a few years to be at the White Horse in case his stranger returned. 

He could ask Edward for help, but he didn’t want it to seem he was just after the other's money. Especially with Edwards business taking a major hit after a person he was defending was proven guilty. Hob tried to help as best as he could behind closed doors but knew he couldn’t do more since it wouldn’t look good on Edward if he was seen with Hob. 

It was a major point of friction. Edward didn’t care about his reputation and had no trouble inviting Hob out for dinner or even hiring him. But Hob refusing frustrated him, especially when Hob even declined his money, despite Edward knowing how much Hob was struggling. He just wanted to support his best friend and being unable to do so and just having to watch how he made himself smaller and smaller, shrinking under all negative attention focused on him angered him.

Their love for each other made them want the best for each other. And it tore their friendship apart. They were unable to spend time together without a disagreement, and then their friendship ended in a big fight. 

And it was Hob fault. He always said the wrong thing, turning away the people he cared about. First his stranger now Edward. Maybe he was meant to be alone.

But the world didn’t stop for his emotional turmoil. The rent needed to be paid, now especially since there was no longer a friend who would have a place on their sofa for Hob to sleep on. And Hob really needed to keep a roof over his head. 

He was terrified of ending back on the street. He did it once, and it was the worst time of his life. Just a nightmare of pain, suffering, anger, blood, and a desperate fight for survival. He knew getting back up once you were so far down was almost impossible. He couldn’t let it get this far. Not if there was something he could do. Even if it means he had to let go of his pride.

The first time wasn’t planed. Was just walking, trying to clear his head and finding a way out. The window was open, everything else dark, and no car in the driveway. He knew it was wrong, he should be better than this. 

He climbed the fence and slipped through the window, heart beating fast as he listened for any sign of life inside the house. Nothing. Sneaking around, he grabbed anything of value. 

Ten minutes later he was out, pockets heavy, and on his way to the pawnshop. It was not enough to pay the rent but enough to satisfy his landlord getting another week before he would be kicked out. 

It made him think about how easy it had been. And how little effort had taken to get the money. And it was not as if he hadn’t tried other options. It was them, society, not giving him a choice. If they had just given him a job, he wouldn’t be in this position. It was their fault, not his. 

And it was not as if he had hurt anyone. A few valuables were gone. And? They could replace it, their house had been nice enough they could afford a small loss like that.

Yes. It was the least all of them deserved for letting him down like this. He would just take what he needed to survive. And it was only temporary until he was back on his feet. They all thought he was a murderer, a bit of stealing was nothing in comparison.

It became a routine, going on nightly strolls and returning with his pocket full. He was good at it. Always knew when someone was home or not, avoided being seen when he made his way inside, and didn’t spend a second longer inside than he had to.

No one had to know what Hob did. Well except, the pawnshop owner, but he didn’t say anything and just gave Hob a price much under the actual value of the items. Hob was fine with that. Paying hush money was better than being ratted out to the police. Especially since the police so far had no idea he even existed. There was always breaking and entering, and he chose his targets so far apart there was no connection. The cops had better things to do than chasing a criminal that didn’t cause real harm. And Hob liked things that way. He had managed to avoid prison once, he didn’t want to risk it, especially since this time there would be no Edward bailing him out.

His rent was paid, he had food in his belly and a new coat. Life was good. Or it should be. There was still the guilt nagging at him that all of this wasn’t his. That he had stolen it and it was wrong. But with every failed attempt to find another source of income, he fell deeper into his ways. It was just too easy. Until weeks passed by without him searching for a legitimate job. 

~1989~

He started hating the man he was becoming. Or rather, he was returning to. He had thought he had become better, had changed. But now he was back at square one. Just a lowlife surviving by harming others. He didn’t want to be like this.

But there was still hope. One last chance to turn things around. Hob may not have the best moral compass – if he had any at all- but his stranger always knew right from wrong. Even before society or law. It had taken him to tell Hob for Hob to realize slavery was wrong. Today it was unthinkable, but back then it has just been how things were. And even then his stranger had known it was wrong. Hob just had to tell him, and his stranger would set him right and correct Hob’s course for the next 100 years.

Yes, all Hob had to do was meet his friend and things would be okay. So he drove to the White Horse in a car he had stolen, full of excitement in the prospect of the weight leaving his chest. He would do better, become good. To get his stranger approval.

But the longer he sat there, alone, the worse he felt. It looked like this was his stranger's answer. They were never and never would be friends. Hob was alone, on his own. There was no one who cared. No one who had any expectations, everyone had given up on him. Why should he even try? If there was no one to judge him, why not make things easy for himself?

Things escalate from there, as there is nothing holding Hob back. So what if the houses he breaks into now are not from some rich fucks but middle class as well? They had shunned him just as well. And their security was a lot laxer. Also, less to steal, but it was enough. And then there was someone home, but the house was way too good to pass up on. But it was okay, he would just be quiet. 

A good plan if not for the man of the house stepping out of his bed to get a glass of water just as Hob was clearing out their silver drawer. They looked at each other frozen, and Hob was glad for the hat and the scarf hiding most of his face. 

Before the other could too much than let out a shocked shout, Hob had jumped over the counter and tackled him to the ground, choking him until he lost conscious. When the wife appeared in the doorway, he was prepared, knocking her unconscious.

He used things found around the house to bind them to two chairs and gag them, before taking his time emptying their whole house. They would call the police anyway, Hob could at least make it worth it. And worth it, it was. He left the pawnshop with a big bundle of cash.

And if he spotted some rich folks taking a shortcut through a dark allay, well then it was their own fault, since they had begged for it. You couldn’t blame Hob for standing there with a knife demanding their valuables in a sick play on the situation that had started this whole thing. But other than his attackers back then, he was just after the money. Once he had what he wanted, he let his victims go unharmed. 

He didn’t kill. That was a line he would never cross again. And if he had to attack someone or render them unconscious, he did it with causing as little harm as possible. It was something which baffled the police and press alike, as they couldn’t decide if he was a monster or a gentleman thief. It was kinda amusing reading about people losing their mind trying to figure him out. Especially since it was that easy. He was just someone no longer following societies rules and just living by his own codex, doing whatever he pleased.

Even if this codex was completely screwed. Like right now, still blood on his knuckles from having to knock someone out who resisted, but being offended by a bunch of teens ganging up on a gangly little thing. It just strokes him wrong, seeing something like this. 

But it is not his problem. There is no need to get involved.

Or at least it wasn’t until the boy rose his head and looked straight at Hob. Dark brown eyes, with hair of the same color. But that was not what stopped Hob in his tracks. He looked just like Robyn. Well, not exactly, it was more the vibes he was giving up. But Hob couldn’t stop seeing his son laying there on the ground beaten and bloody, his tormentors surrounding him.

He moved before he really thought about it. 

His fist connected with the nose of the guy to the left. The bone crunched under the impact and the guy stumbled back, shouting in pain. That got the attention of the rest of his group, who instantly stepped in to avenge their friend. With no option to back out of this anymore, Hob just went with the flow and beat everyone getting into punching distance. They had the numbers, but they were untrained and rather stood in each other's way than taken advantage and overpowering Hob. Which leads to Hob standing between fallen bodies, breathing heavy and blood on his shirt but mostly unharmed beside a few bruises. 

Walking over to the fallen boy, he saw him flinch. Hob hadn’t meant to scare him, although the display of violence must have been frightening. But he didn’t feel comfortable leaving him sitting on the ground with unknown injuries, especially since his attackers would get up soon. 

He wanted to gain the boy's trust, but Hob had forgotten how to be comforting and soft. Hadn’t had need for it in years. Even for Edward, he had not managed to bring back that part of himself. Which was just as well because Edward liked his brash and direct way.

But now he tried, crouching down, holding out his hands and speaking softly. “It's okay. I took care of them,” well, he tried. He failed miserably, sounding more threatening than reassuring, but he had tried. How had he managed to deal with Robyn without frightening the child? He couldn’t remember. And wasn’t that sad? Not remembering this everyday life with his son, only holding some special memories close to his heart while the rest faded?

Knowing that his presence would only distress the boy more, he got up and turned to leave. He would just call the police to check things out, once he was far enough away. Only there was a tug on his pant leg and turning he saw the boy grasping the fabric with shaking fingers. The big teary eyes looking up at Hob broke his heart, and he couldn’t stop himself from leaning down again and pulling the boy into his arms. Crying and wailing filled the alley, but the boy clung to Hob desperately. 

Carrying him into his arm and towards Hob’s apartment, reminded Hob of the times Robyn had been unable to sleep and Hob had walked through the whole house with the child in his arm to keep him calm, while Elenore watched them with a smile. He had forgotten it until his actions pulled the memory back up.

Entering his building, he sat the boy on his sofa and retrieved his extensive med-kit. Being unable to die meant treating injuries yourself that would bring up questions, going to the hospital. He didn’t need much of it to treat the boy. The injuries had looked worse than they actually were. A bloody nose, bruising, scratched hands and knees, a gash close to his hairline that luckily didn’t need stitches, and a cracked wrist. 

Once the task was done, Hob looked at the boy awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

“You want tea?” You could never go wrong with tea. The boy nodded and Hob set to work, returning with two mugs of tea.

“Thank you,” the voice was shy and soft. But at least the shaking had stopped as the kid started to relax.

“Don’t worry about it,” Hob meant it. Neither the tea nor stepping in had been much trouble, and Hob had done it for his own piece of mind. There was no need t thank him.

Hob swirled the tea in his mug, not knowing what to say. Should he give the kid money for a taxi? Take him home? Offer him the sofa for tonight? Hob didn’t know. 

Luckily for him, the boy was not as incapable of social interaction as he was.

“My name is Georgie Baldwin. What about you.”

“Hob,” he didn’t give a last name. The less the boy knew, the better it was for him with the life Hob lived.

“Thank you for saving me, Hob,” the boy put down his empty mug, hugged Hob and then left the apartment before Hob could compose himself. He looked at the closed door not understanding what exactly had happened, but then he just shrugged. Another weird day in his weird life. No need to think deeper about it. It was not as if hew would see the boy ever again.

After cleaning up the medical equipment, he laid in bed, unable to sleep. 

The encounter had brought up memories of a happier time. It made him realize just how lonely he felt. There was a gnawing emptiness in his chest, where his heart once was. He wanted someone to be there for him, to greet him when he got home, to care if he made it home. He didn’t want t be alone anymore. But every time he tried he messed up and ended up back alone. It was better to not try, and be disappointed rather than to suffer.

But knowing that didn’t fill the emptiness in his chest and no matter how much he tried he didn’t find any rest. Which left him cranky and short temperate when he stomped to the door, mug with extra strong coffee in hand, to tell whoever was on the other side to fuck off. Throwing the door open, he came face to face with the kid from yesterday.

The door banged close, as Hob didn’t have the patience to deal with whatever bullshit this was. Instead, he took a big swing of his coffee, cursed as it burned his tongue, and debated if a nice fluffy omelet was worth the effort of actually making it. 

His doorbell chimed again.

Hadn’t he been clear enough in his dismissal? But no, when he opened the door, the boy was still standing there smiling at him. What a prick. But not stupid, as he held out a bag that smelled heavenly of backed goods as bribery. 

With his stomach grumbling, Hob admitted defeat and took the bag, leaving the door open as he stepped inside. The boy had already been here, it wouldn’t do any harm to let him in. But Hob was not in the mood to play good host right now and didn’t offer any tea or coffee. Ripping open the bag, he found muffins and chocolate croissants. All things considered, it was a good bribe.

Humming happily, he dug in as the boy sat down watching him carefully. 

“So what so you want kid?” 

“It’s Georgie,” the way the kid pouted was kinda cute. He must have old ladies want to feed him all over town. “I want you to teach me how to fight.” Hob choked on the bit of croissant. He couldn’t say if it was his immortality or Georgie slapping his back that prevented him from entering the sunless lands. Whipping tears out of his eyes, he looked at the kid as if he had lost his mind.

“Are you completely crazy? Why would you ask me?”

 “The way you fought was amazing. Please, I want to be able to do it too.”

“Hard pass. Why the heck should I teach a brat?”

“I can pay you,” the kid dove for his pocket and placed a stack of bills on the table. It was no small amount. So, a rich brat. Well, it was not as Hob really needed money with how well his business was going. And he would rather not involve the kid by accident. If he went down for his actions it was one thing but dragging a kid down with him was completely different. And if he gave in now, he just knew the kid would one day rob houses side by side with him.

“Pass. Go home kid. You are young and have a bright life ahead of you. There is no need to get involved with the likes of me.”

“But what if they come back?! I need to be able to defend myself,” Hob just groaned as this was just playing unfair. Especially since it was a fair point. The bullies had found him once, and there was no guarantee they wouldn’t do worse when Hob was not close by to step in. It was just unfair. Hob was not responsible for the kid, could barely remember his name. But he had made it his responsibility when he stepped in. The least he could do was see things through now.

“Okay fine. I will teach you self-defense. Nothing more. And you will stay out of my business.”

“Deal,” the kid smiled brightly as he held out his hand for Hob to shake. Knowing that one day he would regret this Hob took the offered hand.

#dreamling #dream of the endless #hob gadling #dream x hob #centennialhusbandsbigbang

[tidekissed]

god the morepesok trio in general makes me insane but sometimes i think too long about how my insert and tart are literally two sides of the same coin and as a result a loving friendship turned into attempting to murder each other on sight and it just. it's delicious. he's affiliated in some way with the abyss (aka "the bad guys") because he fell into a damn hole in the floor as a kid and my insert is affiliated with vishaps/dragons/light realm creatures because in her anger and desperation she accidentally completed the burial rite of the ancient dragon king that opposed the powers that usurped them. they're also polar opposites in terms of life philosophy. my insert just wants to heal and move forward and change things so no one else suffers again, and tart thinks she's a know it all and keeps devoting himself to becoming a numb human weapon because he thinks it's all he can do.

in another universe they're punching each other in the arm and playing smash bros on the couch but in this one they will not rest until one of them drops dead. (honestly, it's really just tart feeling betrayed by my insert and she can't bring herself to add him to the pile of bodies on her conscience even though she could do it with a sneeze) and it hurts so good.

if you're familiar with gen//shin the golden house fight goes VERY differently. the traveler essentially watches me and tart kick the shit out of each other. i let him almost kill me before the traveler gets help because i can't bring myself to hurt him. and then in the event in inazuma called labyrinth warriors i find him again and almost kill him in retribution because piper (the lovely ginger's insert) tells me that he made a snarky comment about how i was too weak to even scratch him. so I'm mad enough about my mercy being taken as weakness that I'm not thinking clearly. they end on a truce because he actually gets scared of me and I see the kid I grew up with and clarity hits like a bucket of icewater to the face.

font///aine is just fucking awkward. because not only is the guy suddenly interrogating me about who i met in su//meru and he suddenly doesn't remember anything about our former coworker slash piper's partner, i end up having to kick his ass AGAIN before he goes sicko mode in a courtroom. neu///vilette ends up doing most of the work on that one but it's still like. fucking god. the thumbs down he gives neuv is definitely directed at me too. lmao.

tl;dr because goddamn i just rambled. their relationship is HORRIBLY complicated and sad. and despite all the hatred if it ever comes down to those two having to duke it out being so jesus and judas coded (tart is honestly gen//shin jesus atp and i'm not kidding with what little i know of religious beliefs), they're both going to struggle to kill the other because they care so much. and then piper is caught in the middle. just. UGHHHHHHHHH (haunted by the delicious and painful friend dynamics)

#tidepool chats #IM SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. #some of my non-romantic dynamics go hard ok.

[findafight]

Hello! I've been plagued by thoughts of Starbara. I would love to know how you think the bathroom scene between Robin and Steve would go if Starbara was a thing. Like, I really, really love Starbara, and I really, really love Stobin as besties, so I am desperate to be able to combine the two without either relationship losing too much depth and connection. Thoughts?

Many. MANY thoughts. @momotonescreaming and I have actually talked about the bathroom scene! (both of them hehe) The Starcourt bathroom scene is like. Holy Stobin Texts okay. I refuse to water it down, ever, but tweaks must be made.

so with the starbara au, sometime before s3 Barb decides to rekindle her friendship with Robin, who is a bit weary of it a little. But anyways Robin is at the very least friendly but not close with Barb, and still holding a a grudge against Steve (love her being petty). When they get jobs at scoops, Robin just tells Barb she's working at the mall, and Barb goes haha Steve is working there too! Maybe you'll see each other! (and then they did)

First day at Scoops Steve walks in and goes oh! Barb's friend Robin! hi Robin! :D and Robin is just. gritting her teeth. Of course then she spends time with him and discovers he is just a goofy lad. She tries so hard to keep him as her nemesis but she simply cannot because even though she has the "you suck" board to tally the amount of longing sighs Steve does while Barb isn't in the store, he grows on her. She can tell when barb told Steve she'd try to come by because he glaces at the clock and perks up. He gets all sappy when Barb comes in and they flirt and he gives her free icecream and Robin is stewing like HELLO. she is TRYING to be BITTER. if those two could stop being SICKENINGLY in LOVE that'd be great.

Steve has the worlds most devastating squish on Robin he wants to be her friend so so so bad, and Barb teases him about having a crush on her and he's like "Barbie 🥺 how could you say that? You know I 'm in love you🥺I just want to make her laugh and share a backyard with her so our kids can all play together and be best friends too 🥺"

anyways blah blah blah s3 happens they're in the starcourt bathrooms. Robin blurts the first semi invasive question of all time, because as soon as she finishes "have you ever been in love?" she's like yes obviously he has. he is.

and Steve answers affirmatively "Yeah. yes. Barb, of course. maaaan. She's amazing. I'm gonna marry her one day."

and Robin huffs a laugh because yeah, that's a pretty unsurprising plan from Steve. "Yeah? Tommy gonna be your bestman? or are you gonna shake it up and have Carol there?"

Steve sighs "nah. I don't...I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Because...Tommy and Carol are my friends and I love 'em, but...I think I've found someone better for that part? Like someone we could split custody of a cat with, or my kids could call auntie, y'know?" Robin thinks she might throw up again, actually. "And I wish I would've been hanging out with her the whole time. She's hilarious, I've laughed more this summer with her than with nearly anyone else besides Barb in a long time." There's no way he'd be saying this to her if he knew.

"And she's smart. Way smarter than me. Able to crack a Russian code ina couple days, kind of smart, Y'know? She's unlike anyone I've ever met, and I really hope she wants to be my best friend too?"

It's so sweet, and so very Steve who's been sappy with Barb and goofy with all those kids, and now he's point blank asking her if she wants to be his best friend. She doesn't know what to do. She feels gross and sick and dizzy and hurting, but she could lie. Whatever was making her and Steve unable to keep their mouths shut has...well it hasn't worn off, but she'd definitely be able to resist it.

She doesn't want to. She wants to be brave, and honest, and vulnerable.

"Robin? You, uh, you OD over there?" Steve sounds nervous.

"No. Uh, I'm still alive..."She doesn't want to fuck this up. Doesn't want to lose Steve or Barb.

Steve slides under the stall wall. Says he can't get any worse that the blood and puke on him.

"So what do you think? About this girl?"

She gives him a wobbly smile. "she sounds awesome"

He smiles through his split lip. "She is awesome. And the guy?"

"I think he's coming down from being drugged and isn't thinking clearly. Cat custody? Really?"

He looks at her seriously. "I think he's thinking pretty clearly. Cat custody aside."

"He doesn't know this girl. And if he did, if he really, really knew her, he wouldn't want her anywhere near his wedding, let alone his hypothetical kids. I don't think he'd want to even be her friend."

He shakes his head. "That's not true. No way is that true."

She thinks fuck it. They've been tortured (she's not thinking about that). There's Russians under her feet probably still trying to kill her. She's going to be brave.

She tells him that she really likes him. About Clicks class. About Tammy. About how she was still trying to hold onto some resentment even when she was reconnecting with Barb, but he made it very difficult.

And then. Steve just. makes fun of Tammy Thompson. Sings like a muppet. And he makes her laugh.

When Dustin, Erica and Barb all bluster into the bathroom, they laugh more, at their faces, at being caught, at the ridiculousness of the entire situation.

Steve stands up and stumbles into Barb, holding his hands out to help robin up. Once she stands with him, Steve tries to rest his face on Barb's shoulder but winces. He giggles again. Turns to Barb.

"Ohh Barbie Robin's my best friend now and is gonna be my best maaAan and also our kids' godmother. She said so herself"

"I did not."

"Didn't say no, though, did you?"

To which Dustin scoffs and shoves them all out of the bathroom.

that's how I think the Stobin bathroom scene happens in the starbara au hehe

#findaanswers #starbara #stobin #steve harrington #robin buckley #barbara holland #hollington #steve x barb #stranger things #anonasaurus #momo I know i said i was working on my essay which is why I'm not writing a different starbie fic #but i do not control the brain rot it seems #yall should ask about the other bathroom scene momo and i are unhinged it makes me go insane

[andrewminyardslawyer]

Ok resharing my Sunshine Court predictions/wishful thinking with adding commentary after finishing it! I got 15/18 correct and some of the "wrong" ones just didn't have a chance to happen in book one so I'm pretty happy with myself

- Jean showers differently because of the water boarding trauma ✔️

- he dissociates A Lot ✔️

- chronic pain. Especially his hands. I feel like he has migraine attacks all the time too (me?? Projecting?? Never!) ✔️ : I'm sticking with yes on this one because he dissociates and is not present in his body a lot so he might not even realize how much he hurts/is just so use to it it's background noise (again me??? Projecting??)

- either hates the dark or needs it because he's so out of his depth and it's familiar ✔️

- I'm desperately hoping the Trojans don't hate him for being short with his responses and general demeanor. Please love this boy with all your hearts I'm begging ✔️

- Jean and Renee don't work out because she saved his life and he feels like he owes her or something similar. To quote Nora "she is not his answer and he isn't hers"✔️

- I know I said it back in November but the "love story" is Jean and learning that who is is isn't shameful. The love story is Jean and being alive (who/if he ends up with someone should be the least of our concerns. I just want him to be as close to happy as possible and healthy): not wrong but not right, yet. Waiting to see what happens in the 2nd one

- Jean is going to have absolutely no idea how to function in the world. Everything about his life has been scheduled and decided for him and now he has zero guidance and no one who knows what happened to him to help. Classes, books, food, travel, down time, clothing, hygiene stuff, hair cut. He has never been able to choose for himself before ✔️

- I know Jeremy knows the very very basics but nothing even remotely close to the truth and he is going to be SO far in over his head✔️

- idk what it will be but Jean finding a hobby that he genuinely loves will make me cry (everything is going to make me cry)✔️: I know this wasn't a prediction and I'm sure his actual hobby is going to be ceramics BUT Cat teaching him to cook and take care of himself and how to have a better relationship with food and him actually enjoying it made me want to cry

- if Jean doesn't have an eating disorder I will be shocked tbh ✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️

- starts some therapy with Bee or they at least try to have him talk to her before he leaves ✔️: thank god. Someone please help him

- I'd love some Jean and Neil friendship ✔️: well as close to friendship as they're going to get. I mean paying for someone's abuser to be killed is ride or die material

- I want him to have his own room where he can lock the door ✔️: even though he didn't want to be alone he still has it

- some form of Kevin, Andrew, Neil hanging out at Abby's because of the snippet we got of Jean watching Neil and Andrew. Maybe they take him to California (or Renee but I feel like Kevin might be insistent on taking him) ✔️

- So. Much. Kevin. Angst. Jean either never wants to talk to him again or calls him all the time because he is so lost and has no idea how to function as his own person ✔️

- Jean having major conflict over being bi because of the nest in general but mainly because of his sexual assault✔️

- Jean goes to Renee's for holiday break: glad this one didn't come true (I know we're still in the summer but still) and that he isnt in the dorms and has a home!!!

#tsc spoilers #tsc #the sunshine court #the tree talks

[dolceaspidenera]

Hii! when I read your post about bg3 and what could be better, it’s like you I’ve read everything on my mind. I love this game, it’s an absolute masterpiece, that’s an undeniable truth. I desperately wanted sth like this after I fell in love with DA games. the minute I knew I can romance Astarion I jumped at the chance - because LOOK AT HIM!! and they’ve given him the BEST voice actor, the BEST character backstory- better and richer than any of the DA characters had. he feels alive, everything in his behaviour and motivations makes sense, the whole breaking the cycle of abuse is incredibly deep. And really makes me crave for more..more party banter, more things to talk about overall. there are certain shining moments between him and Shadowheart, moments where she teases him or is curious about certain things. YES GIVE ME MORE OF THIS overall with all the companions!

100% agree about how it is frustrating that companion reactions get overridden. I romanced Asta and wanted to hear his reaction to the owlbear and he got blocked by Shadowheart. why??? if anyone has sth to say let them say it.

Now I’m gonna rant a bit about Asta’s content in act 3. there’s quite a big difference between act 1 and 3 in terms of camp cutscenes. while in act 1 you have to long rest pretty much constantly to see everything that’s queued up, in act 3 it isn’t necessary. act 3 feels much emptier esp when it comes to Astarion or Karlach. Cazador isn’t involved in the main plotline so there’s no incentive to deal with him unless you really want to help Asty. Karlach and her soul coins - i didn’t understand their purpose, guess it was scrapped. same as the possibility for Asty to explore different ways to release himself from Cazador’s clutches, to be able to stay in the sun. as it is now there’s nothing for him, just a throwaway dialogue option added last minute that you’re going to look for the solution together. that solution should have been available in act 3–another scrapped content—necromancy of thay. as it stands now - I think mainly because of this missing content, there’s only one option to help Asty see reason to refuse the ritual and even that requires high persuasion check. all that we’re given is one good choice (which you can’t probably pass with a non-charismatic character) and two bad choices with one of them being No I won’t help you which does not give you any additional chances to reason with him. which there should’ve been especially if he’s romanced and on the highest approval. lastly, we should’ve been given a waaaay more satisfying conclusion - once again as it stands now, it deeply hurt me to watch him run away from the sun with nobody expressing any sort of concern for him whatsoever. he deserves better. and i’m too old and tired to write a fix-it fic about this 🙈

the end of rant 😅

Hi! Thank you for sharing your opinions with me 😊 I agree with you, I would've preferred, for example, fewer shiny objects and more party banters/cutscenes with our companions. Especially when it comes to friendship interactions, you really feel a lack of content. They are all amazing characters and I wish we could spend more time with them, it would have been cool to have something similar to the Citadel DLC in Mass Effect.

Regarding the companions' reactions that override each other, if Larian is hell-bent on leaving it like that, I hope there will be some saint modder out there who will be able to get rid of this mechanic. I'd do it myself but unfortunately I know nothing of how mods work 😭

And Yes, after completing the quest for the characters there's 0 content after that unfortunately when it comes to interactions in camp. Don't get me started on our best girl Karlach, they really did dirty to her. Her confrontation with Gortash is the most anti-climatic thing I've ever seen. She gets angry, understandably so, for like 5 minutes, and then that's it, everything is back to normal. AT least give us a cut scene with her stabbing the hell out of Gortash, them staring in each other eyes while he dies, give me some pathos, something! It's supposed to be the climax of her narrative arch, c'mon!

There's definitely a lot of cut content, I don't know if it's because they ran out of time or they were having budget issues, maybe a bit of both. I hope they will add them back later but I honestly doubt that. Unfortunately, the ending is really lacking as well, you can really see that they ran out of time there. Larian promised they would fix it, so I hope they manage to put together a satisfactory epilogue for all the characters. I reeeeeeally hate Astarion's ending in particular, there's no way my character wouldn't run after him to make sure he's okay and to comfort him. It would have been cool to have at least a party like the one with the tieflings in Act 1 to properly say goodbye to all characters (Dragon Age Origins really nailed it in that sense, even if it's brief you have the chance to speak with all characters and ask them for their future plans after the final battle).

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldur’s gate 3 #baldur's gate iii #astarion #astarion ancunin #karlach #karlach cliffgate

[anangelwhodidntfall]

Heartache Every Moment II: Damian Priest

Part One

word count: 900

description: highly requested part two! 

taglist: @pitlissa22 @ziasaph

It definitely didn't take people long enough to figure out that something was up with you and Damian, everytime he was brought up in conversations or interviews you either changed the subject or gave one-word answers, you avoided plans if you knew he was gonna be there leaving people to try and figure out what was going on with you and Damian. The one person who was confused the most about the sudden changed of behavior was Damian and he was determined to get some answers.

 "Rhea do you know why Yas stopped talking to me?" He asked making Rhea roll her eyes at him.

"You truly have no idea, do you mate?" Rhea asked. "No I don't, all I know is that ever since she found that me and Eva were dating, she iced me out." He said. 

"Look Yas is my friend which is why I can't tell you a lot without breaking our friendship code. But you know me and Liv had spent the whole week encouraging her to admit her true feelings for you and that night she was going to until Eva came up and spilled the truth about you guys." She said making Damian sigh.

"The only reason I had said yes to Eva was that I didn't think Yas felt the same way about me." He said. 

"Well, now she's convinced that you never liked her like that and that she misread all the times you flirted with her." She said.

"That's not true, I love her more than anything...I was scared...she's the first girl I've liked and truly saw a future with, in a long time." He said instantly regretting even taking Eva out. 

"Since you are both my friends and I'm not promising anything but I will see if I can't convince her to talk to you at least." Rhea said. 

Over the next few days, Rhea and Liv both desperately tried to persuade you to at least sit-down and hear Damian out but you didn't have it. You weren't ready to see or talk to Damian yet...it still hurt too much to think that you were on the brink of telling him how you feel and then have it snatched away in an instant.

  "We have to come up with a plan because she's not gonna go talk to him willingly." Liv said as her and Rhea grabbed dinner for you guys.

"I know. Give me a day or two to work it out and I will fill you in." Rhea said as Liv nodded. 

A few days later, you were on your way to meet Liv at her locker to bring her phone charger since she left it at the hotel. You knocked on the door and didn't hear anything so you walked in confused as to where she was until you saw him.

 "Oh hell no." You said once you saw Damian standing there. 

"Yasmine, please...I just want to talk." He said making you roll your eyes as you tried to open the door only to find it locked. 

"Liv! Please let me out." You said. "Sorry babe this is for your own good." Liv said from outside the door making you lean your head against the door.

"Yasmine." He said. 

"Please leave me alone." You said on the verge of tears, still not looking up at him.

"Yas I just want to make this right...please just talk to me." He said placing a hand on your shoulder. 

"Talk to you?! You want to make this right?" You said turning around and facing him. 

"Do you know stupid I felt when I came up to you about to confess how I truly felt after months of denying those said feelings only to find out, you are dating the one person in this whole world who I truly dislike?" You said slightly pushing him which didn't really do anything. 

"But what hurts worst is that after all the times you flirted with me and I had our friends and coworkers telling me that I should give you a chance, I finally worked up the courage to do so and you're already moved on to someone else." You said as the tears fell down your face. 

"Yas...I made a horrible and rash decision to go out with her because I was scared of being rejected by you." He said.

"You what?" You asked stunned at his confession. 

"Sweetheart you thought you felt stupid? That's the way I felt every time I thought about possibly having feelings for me in return, you are the first girl in a long time that I've even thought about having a future with." He said making you look up at him. 

"You mean that?" You ask.

"I mean it.... and I know it's a long shot but if you would be willing to give me a chance I would love to opportunity to show it to you." He said. 

"What about Eva?" You asked confused. 

"What about her? I broke up with her the second I realized you were avoiding me because I would rather have you in my life than her." He said.

#damian priest #damian priest x reader #damian priest fanfiction #Damian Priest imagine #wwe imagines #wwe x reader

[mloreley]

Please I am begging you go OFF about CxG

Do you know what you're asking?

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is one of the best representations of mental health on television I've ever seen. It doesn't shy away from difficult, or even obscenely troubled subjects, and the discussion in the show ends up in a healthier place than I think most comedies ever really go.

The show is a musical, which is an automatic plus in my book. And in fact, the context for WHY it's a musical is something that hits me right in my daydreaming baby heart; someone coping with real life stress by using daydreaming and music to work through something in their head. And it's not just a conceit for the premise, either! There's literally a plot reason for it!

This is a show that revolves around the relationships the main character has with the people around her; romantic, familial, friendship, and more. It surrounds her with so many different kinds of love, and explicitly calls it love. Whether she's able to recognize it as love is a different question, but then, it's always harder to see the love in our lives when we've been trained into believing we don't deserve it.

More (and spoilers) under the cut.

The show is about a woman with severe trauma and a long-standing mental health struggle finding and falling in love with herself. While the show does a lot of framing around the romantic relationships in her life, it's because she only considers love to be real when it's from a partner- someone who chooses to be with you, as opposed to family (for whom it should be 'the bare minimum', in her mind, even though she's still desperately seeking that, too).

She acts horribly for three seasons. If you've never fought with the demons implanted from severe neglect, abuse, and trauma, her actions make her unsympathetic; they make her "The Villain In [Her] Own Story", and she's just smart enough to be able to talk and charm her way out of consequences for a good chunk of it. Of course, those are skills she learned trying to appease her never-appeaseable mother, whose horrific treatment of her daughter forced her to overcompensate with placating, charming, ego-stroking, approval-seeking behavior.

And as someone who has struggled with my mental health my entire life, as someone whose behavior has sometimes been out of line, and as someone who has had to do a lot of self-reflection, I see every bad decision she makes and I ache for her to be better. Because while I was never as bad as her, I feel the same thought patterns, I see the lines she sees where others only see irrational, over the top awful behavior.

I could talk about the scene where she's shown all of her new friends and found family in West Covina mourning her disappearance in the first season, how it makes me cry because I've had to learn how to recognize that in the people around me. Not just in a "they'll miss me if I'm gone" sense, but just recognizing that you can touch people's lives in ways you can't see, in ways they may not always know you've affected.

Or maybe the scene where, cornered, triggered, panicked, and deeply hurt, convinced that she's already lost all of her friends and loved ones, she lashes out with the harshest things she can say to everyone in her life. I know why she does it; she's hurting, and she wants to be the one to 'cut the ties' before they do it to her. I understand that though process so clearly. But every venomous word she shoots at them, it's a wound in her heart just as much as it is the people who care for her. I know, because I've been there.

There's the scene after she hits her lowest point, where she no longer believes that anyone loves her, where she realizes she has no life either where she grew up or where she moved to and doesn't want to be in either place, where she hurts so much that the only option she sees to escape it is to take her own life. I can't even think of that scene without a sharp intake of breath and tears coming to my eyes, because it's so viscerally real. The moment she looks out the window, taking in the serenity of a blue sky with gorgeous white clouds, communicating the strange peace you feel when you've finally decided to 'go through with it', GOD it's so fucking real. It's a detail that I don't see included in most shows depicting a suicide attempt, and it tells me that the showrunners are speaking from experience.

And that immediately after setting that in motion, she finds hope at the very last second. That she seeks help because she has finally found that last grain of hope in her. It's executed so well. (Hey, I'm literally crying while writing this; it has a tremendous emotional impact for me).

The moments in therapy where she expresses terror over trying to find a relationship after the last serious one she had ended with a suicide attempt, and is scared knowing that it's a place she can go, or when she doubts going on medication because her last prescription numbed her out instead of addressing the problem, those are so. fucking. real. Real concerns born only out of having been through the process of finally seeking help and becoming afraid of 'going back'.

Or the last fucking episode of the show, where she discovers the most important relationship in her life; one with herself. Where the entire context of her imagining musical numbers to work through things comes back around; it turns out that composing music and writing songs is a skill? And one she never got the chance to explore because her mother denied her every opportunity in order to mold her into "The Perfect Daughter"?

Her relationship with Paula is the second most relationship in the show; they both change each other for the better, even as they sometimes bring out the worst in each other. The level of trust they build, and the genuine love they share for each other, is so healing for both of them. It's fitting that Paula is the one to eventually point out what Rebecca couldn't see; that she was actually really amazing, and not for what anyone else taught her to do, but just for who she always was.

The show does an excellent job of showing deeply flawed, real people who make mistakes, and learn and grow from them. It's a rare show where "everyone is happy in the end" doesn't feel contrived, because they've all earned where they end up.

I think I'm momentarily Crazy Ex-Girlfriended out at the moment, and this is still only scraping the tip of the iceberg and mostly in how much I personally relate to the main character (enough that I've actually begun looking into a similar diagnosis for the stuff I'm going through), but I hope you appreciate my going off on it a bit. XD Thank you for the invitation to do so.

#crazy ex-girlfriend #a show I clutch to my bosom with ferocity #suicide cw

[1dkwhat2name]

Really really really long post

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Alright this is a really long chain of thoughts that’s not a vent but I really wanna explain to myself, and since I’ll be mentioning a lot of different people I’m gonna letter them

PERSON A: is the person who’s really really cool and I LOVE them /p and I always try n go outta my was to stand next to them or smth cuz yeah I love them (they’re also the person who has my tumblr acc so hello :D)

PERSON B: is another really really cool person (they’re moving really soon :[ ) who’s in most of my classes unlike person A, and person B really goes out of their way to stand next to ME and they clearly really like me and I’m really happy about that cuz yea :]

PERSON C: is someone who I’ve known since childhood, they’re really really funny and I wanna keep my relationship with them but I feel like it’s fading, so I’m always going out of MY way to speak to them and just try to laugh a lil so she doesn’t hate me

AND PERSON D: is someone who I’ve knows for just as long as person A, they’re my friend but they also make me feel like shit A LOT n then make me feel guilty for drifting away when I do, but they’re still really cool and they’ve been through a lot and I wanna be their friend but it’s incredibly exhausting in the NICEST way possible. K let’s get started

Right. Person B and person D are dating, and while this might not be true, I feel like person B doesn’t actually like person D like that. Like based on how person B acts around D, they were sort of roped into this relationship, and they also told me that they’re not really sure how to respond when D does the playful bullying thing they do, and doesn’t really like it either. It also seems like BOTH of them hang out with ME more than EACHOTHER, which I wouldn’t expect from a couple. I’ve also noticed person D is always playfully telling person B off when B wants to hold my hand instead on theirs, even though it’s playful, it seems clear to me that person B doesn’t go with it in a playful way. Moving onto person C. I’m tying my best to be their friend, because we have been since childhood, but the problem between us isn’t ME, it’s PERSON D. C GETS ALONG WITH PEOPLE OK?? Idk how but they do. But when I introduced C to D, nothing worked. Person D would always playfully, not just bully, but actually physically HURT person C, and person C CLEARLY dislikes this, and I have a LOT of problems with it to, that I haven’t been able to voice yet. Person C has kinda stopped hanging out with me when I’m around person D, and instead goes to play netball with her other friends, which I’ve decided to let her since I know she wants to, but I want to hang out with her as much as she does and I don’t know what till this is taking on our friendship. Onto person A. Person A is SUPER COOL and I try to spend most of my time with her, person B and when I can, person C. I mentioned I’m always trying to stand next to person A right? This isn’t really a big deal, but person D is always, literally, coming in-between us, idk if I’m the only one who notices bc maybe I’m too desperate, but still. I feel like person D is becoming somewhat attached to me, despite their GIRLFRIEND, and like I said, or like I might’ve been saying this whole time, I don’t like person D all that much. I want to be their friend, but I can’t keep up with them AT ALL, and I’m also tired to getting blamed for it too. I would probably be able to tolerate this for the next 5 years or so, BUT if my friendship with person C is at risk, I’m choosing C in a heartbeat, not to mention person A. Person D is, like I said, that friend who will PLAYFULLY insult you n stuff, right? That’s fine and I have no problem with it, USUALLY, but with person D, it’s ALL THEY DO, and it feels like SHIT. I don’t wanna leave though, for two reasons- one being I still want to be their friend, and I know half of this has valid reasons to do with them, and I should put up with it. The second being if I were to leave them, I’d also have to leave their girlfriend (person B) and my FAVOURITE person here, person A. How about a bonus reason? Even when I do leave, even for a little bit, they always find me and accuse me of running away, and forcing me back. In reality, I don’t wanna be their friend the same way I used to, but now that I’m here I kind of HAVE to, and I also don’t have anything left to say and idk how to end this super long chain of thoughts so that’s it lmao

bye :3

#shitpost #/nav #person A >>>>>>> #idk how to tag this

[latibvles]

SAD, BEAUTIFUL, TRAGIC.

beautiful, tragic // sink or swim.

all you can do is try to know who your friends are, as you head off to the war.

masterlist | gallery | taglist

TAGLIST: @liebgotts-lovergirl , @softguarnere , @brassknucklespeirs , @monalisastwin , @mads-weasley , @eugene-emt-roe

SUMMARY: Daisy begins to sink — and she's decided to do so alone.

WARNINGS: heavy discussions of grief-induced depression & the intense emotions associated with grief.

To Mrs. Irene Clarke,

It is with a heavy heart and with deep regret that I must inform you that your son, Corporal James W. Clarke, has been killed in action while defending the good name and morals of the United States of America on February 19th, 1945.

Your family must be going through a range of emotions right now, from anger to devastation to pride. Knowing that your son passed while serving his country hopefully brings you a small piece of comfort in this difficult time. James was incredibly proud of his country, and he spoke highly of his work every day. He made many strong friendships during his service, and he will be remembered for his kindness and strength.

It is never easy losing a child, and we send our sincerest condolences.

She couldn’t finish reading it. She feels like she can’t breathe. Ron puts down the letter and looks at her.

He says nothing. His arms wrap around her and she clings onto him. It’s like her voice is shot. Daisy can’t scream, or cry out, not like she wants to. But she’s crying. She knows she’s crying because her cheeks are wet and her vision’s blurry and Ron’s shirt is wet with her tears. Her throat hurts, and every time she shuts her eyes she sees that cold, lifeless, typewriter print and its empty condolences. Her head is pounding.

It takes a moment for her to register the sound of a sniffle, the muttered swear, and the familiar tremble of Ron’s body — only slightly different from his drunken weeping the night before. His fingers are digging into her, like she might slip away from him otherwise.

Daisy just holds him tighter.

It doesn’t feel real. She can’t even… envision it. She’s seen so many soldiers die, so many be blown up by mortars or crushed by debris or shot full of holes. She’s watched her own friends get limbs blown off, succumbing in one way or another to bitter cold or bullets or some other unfortunate circumstance. But she can’t see it. She can’t see James among them. Maybe if she could, she would know how to deal with it. If she could, it wouldn’t be eating her alive, swallowing her whole, drowning her.

Her arms drop, she untangles herself from Ron, wipes her eyes.

“I need- I… I need…” she takes a measured breath and sniffles, pulling herself up to her feet and grabbing the letter. He rises, as she wipes her nose and her eyes. “I need to see Jane I didn’t- she doesn’t know I was… here… so-”

“Daisy-”

“Please, Ron.” She’s never felt this desperate before. I’m drowning. But we can’t both drown. Let me go. He reaches forward, cupping her cheek and wiping her tears with his thumb. She can hardly breathe under the weight of it. She might burst into tears and fall to her knees all over again.

He says nothing. He kisses her forehead. She chokes back another sob.

“Do you want me to walk you back?” And she shakes her head, and pulls away, walking towards the tent’s opening and trying to steel her features. For the first time in a long time, she isn’t even sure how effective her own attempts are.

“I’ll… see you, Ron,” she mutters meekly, scurrying out before he can make another attempt to stop her.

She keeps her head down in a way she isn’t used to. The sun is less welcome, now that it comes with the fact that anyone who passes can see her red eyes and her flushed face. She finds her tent, walks inside wordlessly. Jane isn’t there, which is fine. She falls onto the cot without another word, pulling her knees into her chest, staring at the wall. Her heart still pounds in her ears, her chest still aches, and everything just feels like too much. The fabric beneath her, the quiet, the light breaking in from outside. It’s too much. It isn’t enough. She wants to be alone but she wants to be held. She wants to eat but she wants to vomit.

Daisy just wants her brother, but that isn’t even an option anymore.

So she just cries, until the pillow’s wet with her tears and until she’s gasping for breath and lets herself succumb, lets her head sink under, until she’s so tired that all she can do is stare. She hears the flap of the tent open, doesn’t make a move to look and see who it is.

“Can you just give me a second? Christ. Be patient.” She recognizes Jane’s voice, and while the words don’t register, she knows the voice belongs to Talbert. There’s a pause, a heavy silence, and then some shuffling.

Jane lays a blanket over her, folding the sheet so it doesn’t cover her head, but covers the rest of her. A bit more shuffling, and then she leaves.

It’s harder to pull herself out of bed, in the later days.

Daisy doesn’t go out anymore. She heads straight to bed most nights, and on the ones where Jane is there before her, they don’t… talk. She wakes up some days with a wet pillowcase. If she’s sobbing in her sleep, Jane hasn’t said anything about it. On the nights where she dreams, James is there, smiling and whole and alive, with a familiar redhead on his arm. Sometimes she’s pregnant. Sometimes it’s a wedding. Everytime, she wakes up with wet cheeks and a stuffy nose. The letters remain folded on her pillow by her head. She can’t bring herself to read the second one.

She knows it has to be from her mother. She knows the handwriting well.

And she can envision it clearly. Her mother, begging her to come home. How they need her there, how they can’t lose both a daughter and a son in the same year. Come home, we need you. Come home, we miss you. Come home, I’m scared. And it isn’t even that she doesn’t want to come home. She knows that if she reads it, if she’s granted that permission — she’d beg on her hands and knees. Put her down as combat fatigue, pregnancy, a casualty, it didn’t matter. Just get her home.

It’s all just too much. She’s never flinched away from touch before, never failed to return a smile. Hands feel too heavy on her shoulders and smiling feels like lifting a weight she doesn’t know how to carry quite yet.

She needs someone older, wiser, who can show her how to carry it.

When was the last time she’d lost someone in her family? It had to have been Grandma Beth. She wasn’t very old at the time. She was four, James was five, they held hands because her mother’s were occupied with tissues, holding them to her nose. They were too little to understand, so they giggled at the honking noise her nose made. They played tag with their cousins outside the funeral home. They went back to the old house for lunch. She slept on her brother’s shoulder in the car on the way home.

“Daisy? Daisy!” she’s pulled from her thoughts by Ginny staring at her across the table. She blinks, staring at Ginny blankly. The latter frowns, reaching for her hand. She retracts her hand in response, and the blonde frowns. “You didn’t hear a word I just said, did you?” She can’t deny it, so she says nothing, looking around the empty mess. When was it empty? Ginny sighs. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’m just tired.” she offers, in lieu of unpacking everything right here. My brother died weeks ago, and I’m only learning about it now. My brother’s been dead for weeks and I still can’t wrap my head around it. My brother died weeks ago and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to grieve this or where to start and part of me just wants to go home. Ginny narrows her eyes at him.

“You know, your business is your business. But it’s really hard for me to mind my own when everyone that matters is worrying about you,” she looks past Daisy, towards the door, before back to her. “You think I don’t notice these things, Dais? You barely eat, you’re not… around and when you are you’re hardly there. Ron says you haven’t even talked to him in days,” Daisy reaches up to rub her mouth, eyes downcast. Ginny leans forward a bit towards her. “I don’t care what you say to anybody else but that isn’t gonna work with me.”

“Can we walk and talk, please?”

Ginny frowns, but stands, offering a hand to her that she doesn’t take, and they walk out the door. Daisy picks at her nails, it feels like someone’s pulled out her tongue and rendered her mute.

“Well, we’re walking.” Ginny remarks, and there’s no venom to it, but there is a tentative concern. No matter how many times she says it, or thinks it, it doesn’t feel real. She breathes slowly, swallows and runs her tongue over the back of her teeth as though to ensure her mouth still works like it's supposed to. She can’t look her in the eye like she should.

“I…” This should be easy. It’s Ginny, for Christ’s sake. But saying it is still so hard. She wants to deny it, vehemently, everytime she says it. Like his letter will come in the mail boasting about his achievements and complaining about the little things — like the taste of the food or the all-consuming heat.

She feels Ginny reach out to take her hand, squeeze it and hold onto it.

“Talk to me.” Daisy swallows the lump forming in her throat, forcing herself to look away.

“What if I got sent home?” she asks, feeling Ginny’s hand tighten in hers as they stop walking.

“Daisy, are you…” Ginny leans forward, to keep her voice down. “Are you pregnant? Are you scared to tell him? Is that it?” In another situation Daisy might’ve laughed at that, or even blushed at the very idea. But she’s too tired for that, so she just shakes her head, biting the inside of her cheek for a moment and hoping she doesn’t spill out onto the beaten path.

“No, I’m not,” Daisy refutes. “It’s… my brother, he…” And again, Ginny squeezes her hand, tightening. Daisy knows she’s likely connecting the dots. “I found out four days ago.”

“Christ Daisy I’m so sorry I—”

“Don’t apologize,” Daisy turns her head to look at her now. “Ron’s the only one who knows, I didn’t- I didn’t say anything I just-,” she reaches up to rub at her face again, blinking away tears before they can fall down her cheeks again. “I’m so tired, Ginny. And I- I know I should be talking about it and dealing with it but it’s… talking and dealing are too much and I just want to sink but I can’t let you, or Ron or anybody do that with me.” There’s a part of her that wants to reach out and fall into Ginny’s embrace like they’ve done for one another so many times before — and a part of her that knows that even that is too much for her to handle.

There’s a heavy silence between then for a moment — thick enough to cut through. Ginny sighs, then gives her that furrowed brow look again. She feels like she’s being analyzed, watching as Ginny’s eyes flit over her face.

“Do you want to be sent home?” She almost wants to laugh at how they’re talking about it, like it’s as simple as just packing a bag and going.

“I don’t know, I just… I don’t know what to do with all this and I know my parents want me home too.”

“Did they say that?”

“I think anyone who loses a kid would want the other kid home for the goddamn funeral.” It comes out sharp and clipped — bordering on a snap. No, she almost immediately corrects herself, it is a snap. Daisy regrets the way she says it the moment it leaves her mouth. Ginny presses her lips into a line. For a second, Daisy thinks she might snap back at her. She doesn’t.

“I think it’s something you think about,” Ginny releases her hand, reaching up to tuck a piece of hair behind her own ear. “And if you think about it and it’s what you want then maybe we can work something out. But I can’t promise anything.” Ginny looks over her one last time, reaching over to give her shoulder a gentle squeeze. There’s more that she wants to say — Daisy can tell, but she’s biting her tongue, leaving her with that nonverbal goodbye.

She wants to apologize, but Ginny’s too quick and the words don’t form fast enough.

#fic // sad beautiful tragic #ronald speirs x oc #ronald speirs x ofc #band of brothers oc #band of brothers fic #hbo war fic #hbo war oc #hbo war ofc #listen as someone who had three deaths in the family spanning from 2020 - 2022 #this chapter was ... very personal to write #sometimes grief makes us do things we shouldn't and fall back into old habits

[just-dino-maggie]

Prompts List

“Honestly, I rather die than stay in the same room as him”

“What the hell are you doing in my house at 3 in the morning?”

“I can’t believe I have to do this work with him”

“You’re so fucking annoying! And- wait, are you hurt?”

“Why is it so hard for you to admit that I’m better than you?” “Who said it’s hard for me?”

“Are we…” “Friends?” “Yup, that was definitely what I was about to say”

“Are you guys dating?” “No, I hate him” “Really? Because he was praising you so much the other night” “He was what?” “Oh, so you care?” “No! I don’t, I couldn’t care less”

“Why do you guys hate each other so much?” “He’s just annoying” “She’s too damn pretty… I mean, boring”

“I know I’ve hurt you, but please, only for today try to understand me, I’m not asking for your forgiveness… well, kinda, but-” “You don’t need to ask that, I already forgave you a long time ago”

“I hate him, I definitely hate him, who does he think he is to kiss me after all he did?” “I know that wasn’t nice, but why are you so nervous right now? You could just pushed him away like always” “Because I’ve might liked it”

“I’m freaking out, at the beginning it was fun to tease her, but now it’s just scary, I am feeling things when she looks at me”

“Are they fighting again?” “Worse, they’re kissing”

“Sometimes I hate you so much that things get confused in my mind, like right now, I was almost pulling you in to a kiss”

“Things were easier when you hated me back”

“Not gonna lie, you angry actually makes me feel… hot”

“When you’re shut up I almost like you”

“Wait a minute, did you just choke on your whiskey because (Y/N) is dating that asshole?”

“Today was weird” “Super” “But I kinda liked it dancing with you”

“I know I shouldn’t, but I’m falling for you”

“You’re making me dizzy, and not because of the usual reasons”

“Love’s certainly more complicated than I’ve ever thought”

“Yesterday I realized I miss you”

“Why don’t you hate me anymore!” “cause every single good memory I have, you’re there”

“We should talk about what just happened” “I refuse to talk about how I just lost control and kissed you”

“You’re my motivation every single day”

“Dare me again, and I’ll break you off”

“I’ve never been in love with someone but you, always you.”

“What are you talking about? We’re best friends!”

“C’mon, what are you guys even talking about? We’re nothing more than friends” “Well, what was that kiss another day then?” “A friendship kiss…?”

“Are you… jealous?”

“Did you just kiss me?”

“One last thing before I go, you really didn’t notice all those signs I gave to you?”

“If I stay here tonight and sleep by your side again, I won’t be able to control myself, not today”

“You’ve always been more than a friend to me, I just didn’t had the courage to admit it, and now I’ve lost you”

“Do you remember? When we were twelve? We promised to marry each other, being honest, I always hoped you wouldn’t broke this promise”

“I think I messed things up, I’m not in love with her, I’m in love with (Y/N)”

“We should stop pretending” “Pretending?” “That we’re just friends”

“I want to ruin our friendship”

“We’re only friends, stop being a pain in the ass” “Well, he wasn’t talking about you as a friend yesterday” “He did what?”

“I don’t care about who’s she’s hanging out with, she can do whatever she wants” “Even if she’s hanging out with your archenemy?” “I beg your pardon?”

“So, for how long are we gonna pretend we don’t love each other more than friends?”

“You’ve been my best friend for all these years, and I’m really grateful for everything you did to me, but I can’t stay here watching you fall in love with someone else, because the truth is… I’m in love with you”

“Everytime I look at you I feel my heart breaking, because I need you, desperately, and you never notice”

“Am I an end-of-party love to you? ”

“Don’t cry, you don’t need to hide your feelings, I feel the same”

“Well, since we were kids I planned to marry you someday”

“I’ve been waiting forever to hear that”

“Sometimes I allow myself to imagine a future where we are together, a future where I can hold your hand and bring you closer and when I’d smile to you, you’d call me ‘love’, a future where I am more than a friend ”

“Yes, I’ll clean your mess once again, I’ll do it, but not because we are friends, because I am fucking in love with you”

“There’ll be a day where I’ll look at you and all this pain will be gone”

“Fuck, I’m sorry okay? But I can’t hide my feelings anymore”

“Did you just… wait, you love me?”

“Dance in the rain with you will always be my favorite thing in the world, cause in those moments, I feel like you love me back”

#nhl imagine #usa hockey #trevor zegras #jack hughes #matt boldy #luke hughes #hughes brothers #nhl #usntdp

[aalissy]

Grevin Museum

Yay! Today’s chapter is finally finished :’). I hope you guys like it! It’s a perspective into what Adrien was thinking during the infamous statue scene hehe. I loved that we got to find out that this was when he finally started to realize his feelings for her. Lemme know what you think!

AO3

Adrien watched Marinette flee the room, stammering about toilets. His heart squeezed in his chest painfully and dejection flooded him. He considered Marinete as one of his best friends and the fact that she didn’t consider him a good friend hurt.  

How was he going to fix this?

Before he could get too lost in his thoughts, though, Plagg’s voice snapped him out of it. “Oooh, Aadrieeen! What is it with the girrrls?? At least you don't have these kinds of troubles with cheeeese!”

Plagg was inside a wax head, putting on a spooky voice as he made it float. All at once, Adrien suddenly felt a lot better. Leave it to his kwami to turn a bad day into a good day.

With a smile on his face, he said, “Stop pranking, Plagg. Put that head back down before you cataclysm it.” 

Plagg did so before floating back over to Adrien with a mischievous laugh.

He gave his kwami a fond look, chuckling along with him before a frown creased his brow. He had to fix whatever he had done to Marinette. There had to be a way to gain her friendship back! After all, he managed to save it after she had thought he put the chewing gum on her chair.

“I'm sure I did something to mess up our friendship by accident. I'm so clueless about these things!” Adrien muttered to himself.

The dinging of the timer had his eyes lighting up with an idea. Now that he was finally free of the wax machine he could go and find her! He was going to fix this! He had to! Marinette was too important to lose.

“Huh?” Plagg frowned at his words.

Releasing his hand from the machine, Adrien stood up, rubbing it lightly. “I gotta make it up to her!”

Feeling determined and with a renewed spark in his chest he headed out of the room. He was going to find Marinette and prove that he was worthy of friendship! Or at least that of an acquaintance. He could always work his way up to being a friend!

A small voice in the back of his mind asked why he cared so much. It was easy to ignore, though. Of course, he cared! Marinette was amazing and Adrien had desperately wanted to be her friend ever since he gave her his umbrella that day in the rain.

Whilst waiting for the elevator, Adrien paced, trying to think up new ideas on how to get Marinette to like him again. That day in the rain was easy because he had known what he had done wrong. Plus, he had the umbrella that he could offer her. 

He wondered if she still had it. Adrien felt rather pleased by the idea, wondering if he could bring up that day to remind Marinette that he could still be a good friend to her.

The elevator dinged and he went inside, searching his memories for how he had hurt Marinette. If he knew what he did wrong then surely he’d be able to fix it!

“Seriously, who cares about friendship?” Plagg’s voice interrupted his plan-making.

“Marinette's important to me, so I'll do whatever it takes to make her feel good when she's around.” Adrien nodded his head with determination, clenching his fists. 

“Like giving her cheese?” 

Walking out of the elevator, Adrien smiled. “Like cheering her up! Making her laugh, doing pranks like you always do for me.” He scratched Plagg’s chin affectionately before hearing a door open. “Hm?”

Marinette entered the room, muttering to herself, “I'm super cool... I'm super cool!”

He watched her fondly. She was adorable even when she was mad at him. 

Suddenly, a rather brilliant idea struck Adrien. If he pretended to be a statue, then they’d both laugh when he revealed that it was him all along. Laughter made everything better! It was perfect!

 With a warm, fuzzy feeling alight in his chest, he whispered, “Watch this, Plagg.” Giving his kwami a wink, Adrien posed, pretending to be a wax statue.

“What exactly are you doing?” Plagg asked with a raised brow, hiding on his shoulder.

“Shh, I can't let her think it's the real me!” Adrien whispered back, even as he

continued to hold his pose. Plagg gave a simple shrug before disappearing beneath his jacket. 

This was going to work! They’d laugh, he’d cheer her up, and then he could ask if they could be friends again. It truly was the perfect plan. 

Marinette was still murmuring to herself as she got closer, “I'm super cool. I'm super cool!”

He snuck a quick, affectionate glance at her as she neared him. She was so effortlessly funny. Nerves caused his stomach to flutter pleasantly. 

“I'm super cool... I'm super cool, I'm sup—,” Marinette continued to murmur to herself before she caught sight of him. She screamed, flinging herself back and Adrien wondered if maybe this wasn’t the best prank.

He debated revealing himself but then Marinette sighed with relief. She came closer and Adrien relaxed slightly. So he hadn’t scared her too badly, then. 

“Oh, it's only a statue. How come I didn't see it earlier? Wow... it looks so... real.” 

One of her hands came up, stroking his cheek. Heat followed the path of her hand as she caressed him and Adrien was sure his prank was over. Was he really blushing already?  

But Marinette’s hand remained on his cheek, perhaps covering the blush that would’ve revealed him as human and not just another statue. She didn’t know. 

Adrien was going to reveal himself. He really was. But Marinette’s palm felt really nice on his cheek. It was warm and he could almost convince himself that maybe he had already saved their friendship. Just... just a few more seconds.

Before he could, though, Marinette spoke, “The wax is nearly as hot as skin.” Her hand left his cheek and the heat was gone as quickly as it had arrived. Marinette didn’t go far, though, instead sniffing him. “It even smells exactly like him...!”

A new, unfamiliar, but not altogether unpleasant feeling flooded through Adrien. He broke his disguise as a statue, blinking down at her in surprise. Did... did he smell good? Bad? Either way, Adrien couldn’t stop pretending now. Something inside him was telling him that this was important.

Marinette began to walk away and he wondered if she was going to leave the room altogether. Following her with his eyes, he quickly snapped them back to where they were when she looked back at him. 

“Oh, beautiful statue of Adrien, your wax is so soft! Your yak hair is silky.” Marinette plucked out one of his hairs, causing him to wince slightly. That hurt. And, yet, it didn’t seem to matter. Because it almost felt like Marinette was maybe... confessing to him? But... but didn’t she just say she didn’t consider him a friend?

“Your eyes are so green.” She twirled, before placing a hand on his chest as she continued her poem. “Oh, shall I be a statue, too! Everything would be so much easier.” 

Marinette hugged him and it was difficult to keep his arms in their same fixed position. He wanted to embrace her back. And yet, right now seemed like the wrong moment to stop pretending. 

Adrien didn’t want to break the spell. Because, if he did, that meant going back to a reality where she barely even considered him a friend.

“Why haven't we been molded together in the plaster of destiny? Marble to marble, wax lips against wax lips, entwined for eternity.” 

Marinette got closer, her lips but a centimeter away from his. Surprise flooded through him. Not because he didn’t want her to kiss him but because he did. But what did that mean about his feelings for Ladybug? Was it even possible to like two girls at the same time?

She stopped, looking down and an odd sense of disappointment replaced the surprise. Adrien had wanted her to kiss him. It was almost funny how strong the urge was to tilt her head back up and connect their lips together.

Before he could give in to the urge, though, Marinette quickly snapped her head back up and pressed their lips together.

It was brief and yet oh so wonderful. Oh so wonderful but also oh so confusing. His feelings warred inside of him for dominance. And he was once again surprised that the urge to stay and kiss her back almost won.

But, Adrien needed answers. Jumping out of her embrace, he tried to come up with a joke that would make her feel less upset. “ Whoa—! Eternity sounds like a long time...!”

Marinette screamed, jumping away from him. Horror was clear in her eyes and he cursed himself for ever pulling this prank in the first place. 

It was not a good idea. In fact, it was a terrible, horrible idea. One he never should have done.

But then you’d never know what it was like to kiss her.

The thought popped up before Adrien could stop it. Once again, he cursed his mind. This was not the time to be thinking about his tumultuous feelings. Right now, he had to comfort Marinette. 

Slowly, Adrien took a few steps toward her. “I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, it was just a prank, that's all...”

Marinette pounded on his chest lightly. “Not funny, not funny at all!” Her voice shook with unshed tears and he felt even more horrible. She ran off and it felt like his heart was ripping out of his chest. If there was a way to regain her friendship then he had definitely ruined it with this prank.

Unable to stop himself, Adrien followed her. He needed to continue his apology. She had to know how sorry he was. Sitting beside her, he begged for her forgiveness, wondering if he was even deserving of it. “Forgive me... even after all these months with you guys, I guess I'm still not used to being a good friend...”

Marinette looked over at him. A deep, upset frown was on her face as she gazed at him. 

And yet, even though he knew he didn’t deserve it, something inside of him was itching for answers. Something to explain the new, and strangely familiar butterflies that were in his chest just from sitting next to her. 

Hesitantly, Adrien asked, “Were you serious when you were talking to the statue? I mean... me as a statue?”

“Serious? Me?” Marinette laughed. “You gotta be kidding! I'm the queen of pranks!”

Another small laugh left her lips and he was surprised to find himself disappointed. Oh, so she had been joking too. 

“I knew you were playing a prank on me, so I just wanted to get you back! Gotcha!” 

She laughed once more and the realization that Marinette didn’t mean those things she said almost hurt.  

But why? He liked Ladybug. Shouldn’t he be happy that she was just playing a prank on him?

Feeling disappointed, but not sure why, Adrien slowly asked her once more, “So you didn't really mean all the things you just said?”

“Of course not, I was role-playing! I was in love with a statue, not with you!” She stood up, causing his heart to squeeze. He didn’t want her to go. “If I'd feel anything for you, it wouldn't be like for that statue, rather like, for a... regular human being!” 

Marinette chuckled once more but this time the hurt was replaced by a small bit of hope. If she just saw him as a regular human being then didn’t that mean she liked him as a friend...? 

Feeling slightly relieved but trepidatious, Adrien asked, “Okay... So, as I am a human being, you must still like me a bit then, right?”

He felt like pleading with her. If she liked him a little bit that meant that he hadn’t completely screwed up. That meant their friendship was still salvageable. 

Marinette shot him some finger guns and the anxiety completely fell away from him. “That's right, I like you a little bit, just like a regular human being!” 

She turned around after she giggled, muttering something else to herself that he didn’t hear because he was overwhelmed with relief. She did like him! They could still be friends!

And yet, even as Adrien was flooded with joy, there was a small, rather minuscule part of him that still felt disappointed. A part of him that wanted more than the wondrous friendship Marinette was offering him. 

But how could he want more if being her friend sounded utterly precious?

Before Adrien could contemplate more on his feelings, though, both he and Marinette gasped. There, across the room from them was Hawk Moth. 

“Hawk Moth!?” They both said at the same time.

Quickly, using his reflexes as Chat Noir, Adrien grabbed an umbrella from Aurore, defending Marinette from Hawk Moth’s attacks. 

Good, this was good. He didn’t have to think about his feelings anymore. He could just focus on defeating Hawk Moth and finally winning his miraculous for his lady. 

But even though he could handle himself as a superhero, he had to get Marinette out of here. Telling her to run, he focused on his duel with Hawk Moth, keeping her as safe as he could. He just needed to hold out until Ladybug arrived. Then he could transform and save the day. 

Adrien heard Manon over the loudspeaker but he was solely focused on keeping Hawk Moth away from Marinette. He shot a quick glance over to her, breathing a sigh of relief as she ducked into an elevator. Good, if she was safe then everything was going to be fine. Stuffing his feelings down, he proceeded to keep his focus solely on the battle.

#adrinetteapril2023 #adrienetteapril2023 #adrinette #adrienette #miraculous #miraculous ladybug #ml #mlb #love square #puppeteer 2.0 #statue scene

[someuncreativi2]

[] What the Alia Fabula AU Archons do after the game ends []

(Spoilers for first four chapters of Genshin Impact)

As we can see throughout Genshin Impact, the archons change along with their respective nations. This makes me think of all the ways they can change and what they might do at the end of the game. So, including my own fan made archons, I have set out what they would do after the end of the game.

Firstly, Venti. To me, I see him changing the least; he probably still drinks his wine and plays at taverns and protects Mondstadt and whatnot. After all, it worked as well this time as every other.

Next, Zhongli. I have no doubt that he will continue to protect Liyue, but considering he’s given up the position of Archon, I see him trying to blend in with humans more- adapt to their modern customs, fit into societal norms, et cetera.

For Raiden, I think her arc is characterized by accepting change; Inazuma changed, meaning her ideals have failed, but ultimately, she is fine with that. It is still Inazuma, no matter what. For this, and also the Archon quest in general, I see her as trying to be more laidback- not hands off, but she’s trying to let Inazuma run its course.

Nahida is a unique case. She doesn’t have respect like the other Archons, and she doesn’t actually know much about being an Archon, seeing as how the Akademiya locked her away for her whole life. Personally, I see her trying to widen her horizons as much as possible, not only because she is the god of wisdom, but because she has a genuine interest in learning more about the world and its inhabitants.

Then, there’s Marione. In this AU, Focalors is someone else completely- Sandrone impersonating the Archon for her own gain. In this time, Marione was lessened to just a servant of Focalors without any free will of their own. After the game ends, after Sandrone resigns from head of Fontaine, I imagine that Marione would go around and try to regain their lost respect; meeting with the other Archons, restoring Fontainian nature, and rebuilding their own reputation.

Murata, like Nahida, is an interesting story. In this timeline, her and the previous Archon had a friendly rivalry going on, that is until the Cataclysm made her the only Archon of Natlan. Out of rage, she waged war on everyone and anyone who she saw as responsible for her friend’s death. Her chapter would be summarized by self-reflection- no individual was responsible for these happenings, but most people don’t realize that because they haven’t given themselves time to process. After this, Murata would put her war-prone tendencies to rest, focusing on trying to give not only her people the care they need from their god, but also herself the time to emotionally heal.

Odelayo is, to me, one of the only Archons that might legitimately give up the title of leader for their own selves, next to Zhongli, of course. After hundreds of years of living in fear and isolating herself from the world, desperately trying to shield herself from being hurt again by someone she wants to love- whether that be her family, her people, or even Pierro- she realizes, through the other Archons, that she doesn’t need to continue thinking that love, the concept she holds dear, is anything but good. Whether it be self-love, friendship, romance, or what have you, yes, you have to be vulnerable, but love has its place, and love can help us realize a lot about our world and ourselves.

After the game, as I said, she’d resign from being the Archon of Cryo (truth be told, she never actually wanted to be a god, much less the patron deity of Snezhnaya). She turns to trying to enjoy her life with those she cares about, traveling the world to see it for the good it has to offer rather than the bad.

In relation to these ideas, I drew a quick (well not quick cuz it took 4 hours somehow) piece of Odelayo traveling around Inazuma in a boat because fun

Oh btw Raiden isn’t here because she’s like sight-seeing in her own city and not because I didn’t have room for her lmao

#ask away! #ask blog #ask me stuff #ask me things #cryo archon #genshin archon #genshin fan character #genshin impact #genshin oc #hydro archon #pyro archon #send asks #opinions #sketch #tsarista #canon divergent au #genshin fanart #headcanons #murata genshin #edgy vibes #probably #spoilers #maybe spoilers? #idk man #Alia Fabula AU #Alia Fabula

[odara]

Little Orphaned Girl

I’ve been feeling extremely lonely. And it’s to the point where I’m afraid of myself. I’m disappointed in my actions. I’ve done things out of desperation just to feel connected to something, anything. I’m embarrassed, I’m sad. And the worst of it all I feel like I can’t stop the self sabotage.

While 2020 wasn’t the year all of my troubles began, it was the hole in the ship that shook up the trajectory of my life. The passing of my father, my ongoing strained relationship with my mother and me running from confronting my grief have had me on an emotional rollercoaster.

The reoccurring theme that’s been haunting me is the feeling of abandonment. I think this was awakened after the loss of my dad. He was truly my best friend. And grief has really brought to the forefront how much I truly relied on his presence. Although I’d been both my parents sole caretaker for the past decade, I’d say I needed them just as much as they needed me. My dad specifically is what kept breathing life into me. I had to be here because of him. He’s the person who always encouraged me, always had my back, always held me accountable even if it hurt my feelings. I was his stubborn baby girl.

One of our last conversations when he was coherent between his episodes of dementia, I remember him being fussy telling me he could take care of himself and to leave him alone lol. He told me to live my own life and go find my own way. Those words have echoed in my heart ever since. Because he truly wanted me to be happy. On my own, outside of him. But I realize now that I was never truly prepared for that. I was terrified, actually. Because it meant confronting the very things I’ve been running from my whole life. Which I now believe is finding and loving myself.

Shortly after his passing in 2020 I brought my mother who’d been in and out of assisted care homes back home to live with me. It was something I’d never planned on doing for a number of reasons. Our toxic relationship and because I just could no longer care for her in the physical condition she was in, she needed and deserved professional care. But in the height of the pandemic she’d been hospitalized with Covid and almost didn’t make it herself. So I brought her home completely bed ridden and cared for her by myself for 2 years before finding a stable place for her to go.

It’s been a few months since she’s moved out now, and while not having to care for her 24/7 has been a relief, it’s also shined a light on how alone I really am. And I’ve been really trying to find a sense of purpose. Dedicating a huge fragment of my life to care for ill parents has taken a toll on me in every way. The biggest and most centering thing right now is realizing I don’t have community. I literally have no one. While I have distanced myself from the majority of family because of toxic relationships, I’ve also lost a few close friendships along the way.

I have about 4 consistent friendships with some really amazing people. But none of them live here. While that’s never mattered in the decade we’ve known one another, it just feels even more in my face right now. Of course my ongoing depression doesn’t help. The loneliness feels crippling. I think about my friends lives and they all have community. They all have people in their lives who care for them, and most importantly who they can reach out and touch. I long for that. I long for connections that I can feel beyond distance.

I take accountability in not being very proactive in doing my part to establish and build new relationships. It’s hard. Building community at my age….is work. And with crippling anxiety and depression to ice the cake I’ve been less likely to even leave my house for days at a time. All of which leads to my habits of unhealthy coping and unhealthy attachment issues.

I don’t know why, but since the loss of my dad I’ve had this strong desire to be around masculine energy. I wasn’t dating and had no time for a lot of personal things while I was caretaking. But now my desire and interest in romantic relationships is overwhelmingly high. I want to feel cared for, desired and safe. Which is something I’ve never had before in an intimate relationship.

Right in the midst of my dad passing, I developed a closer relationship with someone I’ve known via social media for over 10 years. In the past 2 years we’d got really close. He doesn’t live here, but the distance never came between my fondness for him. And he was what I desperately needed during that time. There’s a lot of depth to his story which I’ll save for another time. But I later realized he felt so good to me because he was a distraction from my pain. With him, I could focus on just our relationship. And none of the heavy things were on the front of my mind anymore. It was a very toxic and tumultuous relationship but none of that ever outweighed the fact that he just made me feel like I was cared for and thought about. And that someone desired me in a way I’ve never experienced before. It felt like intimacy. And I wanted and needed it badly.

Sadly, as much as I wanted the idea of him to be my reality. It wasn’t. He had a side that was mean, and manipulative and abusive. I don’t think he’s capable of empathy. And as many times as he showed me he was incapable of being someone safe. I continued to engage and want more of him. For the sole reason that he was all I had. And all I felt I deserved. My self esteem is nonexistent. And no matter what was happening in my life or who walked away, he was always there. And now I realize that’s because there was something he desired or needed from the connection too. I knew the day would come where we would eventually part ways but I honestly thought I would’ve been the one to make that decision. And I’m so disappointed in myself for not. But I’m also thankful that he did it for me. Because I don’t know when or if I would have. We were bad for each other. I had a lot of insecurities and needed reassurance. I wasn’t the most emotionally mature and I’m still working on how to communicate my needs. I lacked enforcing boundaries and he was very good at crossing them. My feelings never mattered to him. But his had to be on a pedestal or he’d throw me away. That’s how much I “meant” to him. I gave in and gave him what he wanted most times. But the times I didn’t he made it clear how he’d dispose of me and never look back. I was too scared to lose him, bc without him what else did I have? I was too afraid to be alone. That was dangerous. But the day of reckoning finally came and here I am, alone.

I’ve made desperate attempts of trying to reconnect with him. But he ignored. There was no grand finale to our ending just a deafening silence. No conversation. No goodbye. Just silence. Ghosted. Though we hadn’t spoken in months, he sent me money on my birthday with a short note. “Do something you wouldn’t usually do”. It was odd and confusing, and manipulative as fuck. I thanked him but no response.

There was another connection I had over the summer with someone else. Someone I’d grown to like. It was very surface level and I knew he only wanted to fuck me. He was never intentional about anything outside of that. So I knew. I talked to him a lot about my insecurities and how nervous I was to be with him. He didn’t care. It took 5 years of discourse before I even got the nerve. There was nothing significant or special about him. But I liked him, and I enjoyed talking to him. And for some reason I felt safe. I knew he wouldn’t hurt me in the way I’d been hurt. He felt safe enough to let my guard down and overcome my fear and battle with feeling undesirable. So I said fuck it. And fucked.

It’s funny how intuitive we are but choose to ignore things that have always been obvious. As inconsistent as he always was and his lack of effort had always been…I still chose to believe there was some level of care involved. Ha.Ha. Twice I’ve been a fool I guess. He got distant after he got what he wanted. I initially was ok with that because I kind of got what I wanted too. He served a purpose for me. And that was to let my guard down and get past my insecurities. While how he chose to handle me after didn’t do anything for my insecurities…hell it probably made them worse. I’m still proud of myself for just saying fuck it. He was the vessel I needed to get through that. And I keep trying to remind myself he served his purpose. His job is done.

But of course Miss Anxiety girl couldn’t let it go. I tried to get clarity from him as to what changed. Because after all, things didn’t have to. This was surface level. We were just cool. But being disposed of back to back triggered the fuck out of me. I made attempts. Multiple attempts. While I believe his very vague reasoning and reassurance that it was solely due to whatever he had going on and nothing to do with me…my anxious brain tells me that can’t be true. Whatever the case I’ll never truly know. And I have to be fine with that. But damn, nigga. We can’t even be cordial? It’s just unsettling. Especially when there was no rift.

I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I’m offended. I’m embarrassed of myself because I still wanted to make these connections work. After being disposed of like garbage I still wanted their attention. I was desperate to have something. Even though they made it very clear they want nothing to do with me and whatever their need was had been fulfilled. I still in a way wanted to believe that not to be reality. But it is. And here I am. Facing myself and my aloneness. And trying to let go. Why is it so fucking hard to let go of what’s already let go of me. I’m stronger than this. I know I deserve better. I know these are people who have no significance in my life. Hell, I know neither of them were ever deserving of me in their wildest dreams. But why am I still holding on to these feelings so tightly. I feel so broken.

#personal #dealing with grief #griefandloss #grief #relationships #heartbreak #depression #community #sadgirl #sad #feelings #anxiety #ghosting #emotional abuse #depressing life

[borderlinereminders]

hey i could use some advice if its okay (also sorry if this is vaguely venty i am, very upset right now) i'm having a hard time regulating my emotions regarding my friend of 5 years, she's a good friend and we've been through a lot of ups and downs but nothing that we couldnt eventually figure out a way through lately. like the past year or so i've felt like i mean nothing to her and like i'm just a second option to pass the time. it first became a problem when her boyfriend who was abusive and her got into an argument over me (he thought me playing minecraft with her was abusive /srs) and she literally tried breaking off 5 years of friendship, not cause he asked but to appease him just in case it'd make him happy. obviously it didnt end up working but it hurt and it still really does hurt after that, while with her bf she started fawning over a girl and thats all she'd talk to me about sometimes, every day its either the girl or her bf. either its venting or gushing either way day in day out i was there to listen and it felt like i just straight up didnt matter anymore cause it was always about them and how she desperately wanted to be talking to them as if i wasnt even there or something then finally she broke up w her bf, and i thought woo no more of that but she immedietely got with another guy who even says he doesnt wanna date her, only wants to use her body and rarely if ever texts her back, yet recently she threw $50 just to try and get him to reply all the while constantly yapping at me how much she'd rather talk to him. every few months its someone new and i become obsolete, she'd rather talk to them and cancels plans just to talk to them instead of me. i've started trying harder in our friendship, always letting her vent always accepting hang out invites always replying to texts always encouraging her interests. outright buying her things to try and help fill the void she might be trying to fill. but nothing works she's always more excited for someone else. not that i have to be a priority of course i understand that but it feels like i've never been a priority, i'm not even 2nd or 3rd place and i feel awful and it hurts. plus another thing she never listens to me despite saying that i do seem to know whats best, i try to be there for her and give her advice when she asks then she turns around and takes what she admits is worse advice from one of the other people she fawns over just because she likes them better. i don't think i matter anymore (or ever did) and i don't know how to regulate or deal with that, i don't wanna accidently lash out at her but i don't know how to get past this. i've been ignoring her more frequently (i know its not good but i cant bring myself to text her i know i'll scream if i do) and she doesnt even really initate conversation, if she does its about one of the people as usual. which just makes it hurt more and make me wanna scream and lash out even more. i'm probably overreacting so if you have any advice i'd really appreciate it, thank you for your time

Hi anon,

I'm sure my advice isn't what you want to hear, but my advice is that she is not a friend for you and you should end the friendship. Of course, you can always try communicating to her and seeing if she changes her behaviour, but I also worry that she'll tell you what you want to hear and continue this anyways. It's not to say maybe she genuinely is open to changing, but it sounds like she isn't in a place to be a good friend to you.

You deserve to have a friend who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Being ready to dismiss you like she has isn't a sign of a good friend. It also sounds like she takes you for granted.

You matter and you deserve friends who value you. You are not overreacting at all.

(Also, while it's reality that we tend to "prefer talking to someone" over someone else at times, or stuff like that, that isn't okay to say to you. )

You say she is a "good friend" and maybe she is in some ways. But from this ask, it feels to me that she isn't in a place herself where she is capable of giving you the friendship you deserve. It sounds like she has a lot of personal work and healing to do. When I say my advice is to "end the friendship" it doesn't mean it has to be permanent. But you deserve to be treated better, and if you aren't in a place to "end" it, you can definitely take a break from it.

If you aren't in a place to do that, then please start thinking about your boundaries and putting up boundaries with her. You deserve to be treated better.

Disclaimer: Please know that my advice comes from a place of what I would personally do. I am not a professional by any means, and cannot possible understand the nuance of the situation. You know this person better and your relationship much better than I could ever gauge from an ask. Please always be aware of patterns of behaviour, especially after healthy communication, because you deserve to be treated well. If a relationship/friendship isn’t for you, it’s entirely valid to end it even if it’s just a matter of being incompatible.

#april answers #ask a borderline #tw abuse