#so ill probably just post like 10 all at once or something idk ill figure it out

[umblrspectrum]

i really need to figure out how i want to stylize these motherfucks i'm mixing like 3 different styles together and i dont think its working well

thank you @enderheart-hybrid-1 for entering my askbox and giving me this

#unrelated but i DO want to do rain world art month but i dont have the time to do it every day #so ill probably just post like 10 all at once or something idk ill figure it out #anywhoo yea nuzi is a thing and i enjoy it #murder drones #murder drones uzi #murder drones v #murder drones n #serial designation v #serial designation n #disassembly drone uzi #?? #do you think her eyes would also turn yellow if she dd'd #it'd be lame but seems accurate

[glitchcel]

15 people 15 questions!!!!

Tagged by @suzufield thank you yay ^^

This is a long one so it's under the cut and also idgaf I love hearing myself talk I love the sound of my own voice!!!!

Not really, my given name is that of a saint like most names from here tbh, but my mom picked it because it's short and she wanted people from everywhere around the world to be able to say it which is kind of cute. I don't have chosen name I have like 3 nicknames people alternate between, one of them is Ani or AniGC which I use on the internet and I don't plan on picking one I think not having a name is cool!

1. Are you named after anyone?

2. When was the last time you cried?

Nope, too young, and also having my own kids or parenting/fostering is not something I am fit to ever do I don't think I would be a good parent. I'm a lesbian so biological kids are kind of out the window (not really but don't want them regardless, better safe than sorry on this matter I think). I would love to work with kids though at least once in my lifetime.

Genuinely yesterday I love crying I cry all the damn time it helps me fall asleep. What the libs don't want you to know is that depression is actually awesome because you can cry all the fucking time and you don't need sleeping medication! Yay for mental illness!

3. Do you have kids?

4. What sports have you played/do you play?

I did karate for 8 or 9 years from ages of like 6-14, loved it, then I fell down the stairs and fucked up my spine and had to quit. Then I did swimming for a bit but nothing too serious and I quit that because I got bored now I do fuck all.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Yes a lot but I try to not get too irony poisoned lol, I mostly just say outlandish shit but I do use sarcasm.

6. What's the first thing you notice about people?

I couldn't tell you if you put a gun to my head. I don't fucking know 😭

7. Eye colour?

Brown! ^^

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

This is a strange one I'm not really big on either of these things. When it comes to horror I'm not really a fan of movies I feel like a thing inherently becomes a little less scary when you show it to me or when it's moving you know? Idk I like some of them but I really do enjoy horror books those are awesome. And for the other thing I don't know is it a happy ending for me or the characters? Like I enjoy all plot threads being tied together well but if that doesn't make my fav happy GOOD. Let that bitch suffer. To actually answer the question I think scary movies lmao.

9. Any talents?

Why yes I'm very awesome. Idk I'm a fast learner genuinely that's the biggest thing I've got going on I think almost everything I know I learned on my own accord, it was never given to me, and idk I'm kind of proud of that idgaf if it sounds corny. I can also dislocate my thumb that's kind of cool.

10. Where were you born?

In the hospital (Serbia but I don't like saying where I'm from too much I want to remain a Mysterious Figure On The Computer and now you have to ignore the fact that I frequently post about this)

11. What are your hobbies?

Running the risk of sounding like a loser nerd I love studying I love learning things if I could stay in school for the rest of my life I genuinely would. I love learning how shit works and I'm gonna be honest organic chemistry has been among my favourite things to study ever it's so perfectly logical and awesome one of the best sciences ever for sure. Besides that I like doing fuck all and taking the piss on the internet.

12. Do you have any pets?

Nope! Small apartment and not enough money or time to take care of them. One day I will get a cat though trust.

13. How tall are you?

184cm that's like 6'0" I think?

14. Favourite subject in school?

Idk probably physics. High school level chem was incredibly fucking boring I didn't even have to fart to get good grades. Math and programming were my original beloveds but I fell out of love with them very soon after starting high school due to bad experiences with teachers. So yeah probably physics idk the only subjects I think about at this point are the ones I'll have next year in college I can't fucking wait for atomistics.

15. Dream job?

I feel like a fucking idiot being at my age and telling people I want to be a scientist but like!!!!!! I do I genuinely do!!!! I want to be a researcher and do cool things I want to be entranced by the work I do maybe this sounds so incredibly optimistic because it's likely that if I become a researcher I'll be eating packet noodles for the rest of my life but!! That's my dream!!!

I cannot be assed to tag 15 people I'm sorry also I think everyone and their mom has done this at this point so I'll tag. 3 take it or leave it! Sorry if any of you have done this already 😭. Also if you haven't but don't want to that's fine lmao no pressure

@k-ru-h @viegoinahoodie @schrodingers-catgirl

#THEY LET ME OFF THE FUCKING BUS FINALLY

[diamondcitydarlin]

I am just...honestly fascinated by this sudden ‘change of heart’ with Guillermo tho in regards to being a familiar and becoming a vampire, there’s a lot going on there and a lot to unpack, and I’m hoping somewhere in the depths of what is about to be a long, directionless rant I’ll find the clarity I haven’t seemed to quite grasp yet. 

ALSO I’M SORRY THIS IS A LOOONG ASS POST BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO PUT IT UNDER A READ MORE AND SUBJECT INNOCENTS TO MY BLOG LOL, BUT I’VE TAGGED ACCORDINGLY 

So, I already made a post about ‘Collaboration’ and some of the interesting subtext we get within that episode. Mainly, that this episode is an interesting one for Guillermo because he finally gets what appears to be and should be (at least at first) the opportunity he’s always been waiting for. To this point, across seasons, Guillermo has driven home that his one and only aspiration in life, the reason he tolerates an endless, shitty position, is because he hopes to become a vampire. He’s wanted it since he was a kid. IF HE CAN’T BECOME A VAMPIRE, WHAT HAS THIS ALL BEEN ABOUT?? 

If it was as simple as just wanting to become a vampire by any means necessary, leaving Nandor for this golden opportunity should have been as easy as taking off an ill-fitting pair of shoes...but it wasn’t that, was it? When Nandor pretended to shuck him off as if it didn’t matter, Guillermo got angry and sad in equal measure and only really brightened again when Nandor came back and promised to do better by him. Not necessarily set down a concrete timeline for the ‘becoming a vampire’ thing though, but Guillermo didn’t seem to care about that all that much anyway. Interesting. 

Now we’re able to see a version of things in which Guillermo is being treated better as a familiar, but rather than this development improving his mood he seems all the more aware of the fact now that...maybe he doesn’t even want to be a vampire anymore. Maybe he’s wasting his time here. Maybe he needs to swim towards open waters, so to speak. 

Very similar to Nandor, Guillermo, I think, is not really aware or fully accepting of the inner workings of his own mind. He strikes me as a character that does a lot in the way of burying the truths of himself so far down, he even convinces himself that part of who he is doesn’t really exist- even when it does, and drives a lot of his actions. The show plays to this by only ‘showing’ us concretely how much Guillermo wants us to know, with only small hints and nods to other things going on. That fits and rings true to the norm for a mockumentary style of filming/writing, in that the audience has to rely on a lot of subtle cues from the subjects to figure out what’s ‘really going on’ with a character or plot line; the ‘camera’ in a mockumentary style piece is as much of a visceral, present character as anyone else in the cast and is treated accordingly (but then, like 99.99999% of human beings have seen the entirety of The Office and Parks and Rec, so yall know this already) 

I think part of the way to figuring this all out is to ask why Guillermo wanted to be a vampire in the first place. His answer to this would probably be something along the lines of ‘because they’re cool’ which, you know, valid. That would be a fitting and satisfying answer if, say, I had given it because there was a time when I was about 4-6 years old that I, too, decided I would grow up to be a vampire. Because it was ‘cool’ and aspiring to anything else seemed boring. Again, valid. For someone who has dedicated pretty much ALL of his adult life to apprenticing into vampirism based on a childhood dream that never died? THAT begs a bit more of an in depth reason, I think, to which for now we can only guess. 

I’ll try to make an educated one based on what I believe is going on here, that Guillermo himself is either not aware of or not ready to share with the cameras: I believe his drive to want to become a vampire, given it was based in childhood flights of fancy (and probably some Guillermo-self insert/Armand fanfics, let’s be hONEST) was rooted in a need to feel respected and powerful, at the heart of things. When we first meet Guillermo, and for much of season 1, we see that he’s quiet, subservient, meek, and we learn briefly about how he was bullied in school. I think Guillermo was raised to be this way and use silence/subservience as his only defense mechanism, which may also go a long way to explaining why he’s so reserved. For 10 years, I think it was enough for him to tell himself that everything would be better for him once he became a vampire, he’d have all the things he never had as a human. Respect. Appreciation. Power. Control over his own life.

That said, things have changed quite a bit for Guillermo since season one. While learning that he had Van Helsing blood came as an unpleasant shock, embracing and exploring that side of himself proved that he’s actually kind of a bad ass even without being a vampire. He only ever wielded this power to protect Nandor and others so far, but it is a power nonetheless, this agility and strength that is too great for even VAMPIRES to successfully fight back against. He’s also a smart cookie that knows how to manipulate a situation, something that he’s been using a lot this season too. So, power, then. He has it already. Respect he received from his vampire-hunting group. 

But that still leaves appreciation and, dare I say it, maybe even affection/love. I think there’s a part of Guillermo that wants to feel like he’s accepted and cared for, but even when it’s offered (by groups like his vampire hunting clan, or Celeste’s vampire community lol) he seems to shy away from it going too far, like it’s just too much or ill-fitting coming from people he barely knows. Given that he’s a private, introvert type this makes sense. 

One thing has remained consistent for Guillermo though, across both seasons and episodes, and that’s his seemingly unwavering concern and affection for Nandor. Even in this last ep when he’s unashamedly shucking off duties that don’t fit his job description and maintaining those professional boundaries like a BOSS, he still snaps to and gets to work the moment Nandor is kidnapped. Laszlo’s gone? Meh, who cares, not his jurisdiction. Nandor’s gone!?? Fuck it, he’s getting the keys. A ‘vampire’ offers him the opportunity of a lifetime to become a vampire quickly and live within an accepting community of likeminded people and Nandor told him ‘go for it’? He’s upset that Nandor didn’t fight harder to keep him. 

So now he’s back and Nandor’s making a consistent effort not to abuse Guillermo’s position. This seemed the ideal resolution at the end of ‘Collaboration’, but after a couple of weeks it becomes clear that it wasn’t. For some reason. Guillermo’s no longer satisfied and thinks maybe it’s time to do more with his life. 

I’ll try to sum up the points I’ve made so far into a concise version of where I think Guillermo’s at right now, at least subconsciously; mostly all the things he hoped that turning into a vampire would grant him, have already been granted. He’s learned that he’s strong, smart, capable as is, more than he or anyone else had ever given him credit for. I think it makes sense that his burning need to become a vampire has begun to ebb into a quarter-life crisis of questioning who he really is and what he really wants, because the dream he nursed for so long has turned out to be pretty shallow and maybe not even necessary. He realizes there’s more he could be doing than working tirelessly to an end goal that no longer seems so sweet. 

But that leaves the ‘affection’ and ‘acceptance’ elements dangling in space, held up by his own affection for Nandor that has yet to be really defined. It’s pretty clear that Guillermo is nursing it hard, but what is the nature of it? Even as his sense of loyal devotion to a cause has started to fade, even as his view of Nandor as this unflappable role model has begun to disappear too bc he’s starting to see Nandor for who he really is (a himbo idiot that he can outwit, outmatch without even trying hard) this raw affection still remains. It’s still important that Nandor fights for him. It’s still important that Nandor is safe and protected.  

And, as with the rest of these things I mentioned, I don’t think Guillermo is even really aware of how much he cares about Nandor, how much it drives his actions and thinking, how important that relationship is to him. It’s easier to just sort of...ignore that and pretend it isn’t a factor, that’s Guillermo’s modus operandi when it comes to complicated feelings. 

I think back to that line from season 1, wherein Guillermo’s kind of musing wistfully about how different his life might have been if he’d stayed at Panera Bread/in a stable job with pay and benefits, but then handwaves that all away with ‘The heart wants what it wants’. By this point in the show he was already kind of drifting away from the goal of becoming a vampire (whether he realized it or not). 

The heart wants what it wants indeed, Guillermo, but maybe it’s not really ‘becoming a vampire’. Maybe it’s something else entirely that keeps you tied to this house, this thankless ‘job’. 

At this point, I really cannot say for 100% certain what I think will happen next with Guillermo. This show has proven solid at pulling out unexpected plot twists I wouldn’t have seen coming, but then, I also have been pretty good at predicting where they’re gonna go with things. Like 7/10 lmao. My two theories right now are: 

He’ll become a vampire in the series finale- unwillingly, maybe by accident. This one I think is plausible because it’s a bit of a kick in the pants. It’s the outcome he’s wanted for SO LONG but has just realized maybe it’s not all he can do or wants to do. I could see a situation where, idk, maybe Guillermo expresses to Nandor his thoughts lately about moving on from this and, in an act of stupid desperation, Nandor thinks maybe if he changes him that’ll keep him in his life, so he does it while Guillermo’s asleep and then surprises him when he wakes up...only to find out maybe that wasn’t actually what he wanted anymore, but UH OH what’s done is done. This could provide a lot of tension in the next season, I think. But as it’s a bit of a ‘shocking’ twist type route to go, I can’t be certain this is what they’ll do. Kind of a toss up. 

Guillermo leaves to pursue something else, which the camera crew will follow and document. This is the ‘sensible’/’safe’ route that most scripted shows would take, I think, in this situation...but again, I’m not certain about this one either because Shadows is known for throwing us for a loop and this seems a liiiittle predictable. It’s also very similar to what JUST happened in episode 8 and, were I writing the show, I’d worry it would come across as redundant. Like, maybe we already did this angle and should explore other options to keep the audience on their toes. Also, as much as they love putting Harvey with new casts of characters for episodic stories, I’m not sure they’d transplant him from the main cast for an extended period of time because he’s part of what makes that dynamic run so well. But then, the synopsis of the finale does say that vampires have to ‘survive without Guillermo’ while preparing for an event, so this may happen in some small, episodic measure again.   

Anyway, to wrap this up into a conclusion, I don’t think I’m wrong in predicting that Nandor/Guillermo’s relationship has been set up in such a way as to keep us guessing, sort of a Sam/Diane, will-they-won’t-they type thing that will remain a constant throughout whatever happens next, but will require both characters growing independent of each other in their own respective subplots. At this point, it has always remained consistent that Nandor and Guillermo prioritize each other even when it doesn’t make sense, but I don’t think either of them are ready to realize, accept, and sort through the layers of what they feel for each other. The master/servant dynamic makes that difficult, I’d imagine, so I think inevitably we’ll see the show start to pull them away from that. All I’m saying is, if whatever is going on between them wasn’t VERY complicated it would’ve been resolved as whatever it is a long time ago. Nah, there’s some deep, repressed shit they’re ignoring collectively for whatever reason, and usually that points to something that will, at some point, become romantic. Either way, to understand Guillermo is to keep a close eye on how his dynamic with Nandor grows and changes and I’m, as ever, VERY eager to see how it does. 

#guillermo de la cruz #nandor x guillermo #guillermo x nandor #wwdits #what we do in the shadows tv show #long post #meta

[njasnyah-kholin]

Rhythm of War Reactions

I’m finished with Rhythm of Wythm! So here are some haphazardly thrown together reactions.

Major major spoilers below the cut!

- You know I started this book literally just for Shallan but I ended up loving all the POVs, as I probably should have expected

- Navani was my favorite! I found her plot to be the most engaging, her character growth, her relationship with Raboniel, not to mention:

- Math!?!? and music!?!? My two true loves!?!? The connection between which I try to fit into as many school projects as possible!?!? Can Navani hire me to work on this please?

- Other than me desperately wanting to work on this project, the whole thing with converting light into sound into oscillations back into light was so cool and set up really well from TWoK. Sand plates!

- Raboniel could stab me and I would thank her

- I stole this from another post but yeah Kaladin really was like “these people all need therapy” “none for me though”

- I really want to see Jasnah’s reaction when she returns to Urithiru and Kaladin’s like “oh yeah I’m helping all those people the ardents locked up now, isn’t this cool and probably not personally relevant to your life”

- The whole concept of “give him more time” was so good :’)

- KALADIN SWORE THE FOURTH! “I accept that there are some people I cannot save!” (Or something like that.) Good for you man you deserve it

- Interestingly, Shallan has not sworn the fourth ideal yet, though she seems really close. Does this mean she’ll swear two in book 5? Or is Brandon saving the fifth for the back half for her? (Doesn’t seem likely.) I thought “I killed my first spren” would be a pretty good truth, but who knows...

- I did not like Dalinar as much this book. For someone whose main tenet is change and growth, he was surprisingly stubborn. Yes, this is within his characterization, but I hope it morphs into something a bit more cooperative in book 5.

- TRIAL BY WITNESS need I say more? I was literally covering the next page with my hand because I knew something epic was going to happen and I would glance ahead if I didn’t

- That being said, I wasn’t all that satisfied with how the book left off the Shadesmar expedition. It felt kinda pushed to the side in favor of the climax at Urithiru. Which... maybe there was no better way? But it is Shadesmar, so I feel like the timeline could have been shifted around or extended a bit to make more of a conclusion.

- Spren culture! I want to learn more!

- Rlain is now my boy. Do not touch him or I will take your kneecaps

- I came in pretty uninvested in Eshonai and Venli. I’m still not super invested in either of them, but Venli’s pretty cool, I guess? I definitely enjoyed her POVs, I just couldn’t really pinpoint what she was all about

- On a different note Teft just, like, DIED, so... that happened

- This book lowkey had me in a bad place by that point where I felt like I had to keep reading to get to a better part and thus did not do any of my work due today but it’s okay because Kaladin swore the fourth and I felt better and now I will do my work and not procrastinate more by writing this...

- SEON???

- Shallan!!!! my babe!!!! Was scREAming all throughout the Formless chapter and it did not disappoint

- I actually don’t hate Jasnah/Wit. I don’t love it. But I don’t hate it

- Canon ace Jasnah!

- Singer lore is really cool and even though I didn’t find the RoW flashbacks all that interesting I am excited to see where this goes

- As an Asian person who grew up with squinty/shifty eye jokes, I find it absolutely hilarious that people continue to make fun of the Shin for their enormous eyes

- Canon neurodivergent Syl!

- Canon nonbinary spren! I didn’t really like how they kept describing the Sibling’s voice as somewhere in between male and female, especially considering how the Sibling is so derisive of humans’ binaristic worldview. I did like the part where they were like “why do you even gender” though, that was fun and if not a personal mood definitely a nonbinary culture mood

- While on this topic, Wit’s story was definitely about being trans (it was not but I will talk about this later, flow is important)

- Also while on this topic, I was getting real strong trans Lift vibes. Idk how that would work as Stormlight already transes your gender, but maybe she hasn’t fully figured it out yet, or she still sees herself one way Cognitively which is definitely a thing. I don’t think it’ll happen, but it would be cool!

- Kaladin would be afraid of dogs

- Idk what’s going on with Ishar and perpendicularities but it’s cool I guess. 5/10

- I’m annoyed that Taravangian went back to his old conniving ways after he Ascended. Him being a traitor already annoyed me and it felt like all his growth through the book was for nothing. Also, what about Rayse? Y’know, the villain we’ve been fighting all this time? I feel like this would have been better suited for mid-late book 5, after some sort of conclusion has already happened with Rayse, or we feel like this transition is necessary.

- Dalinar needs to attain the fifth very very quickly and that makes me nervous because he does not seem close to the fourth like Shallan does.

- Is the whole fifth book going to take place within the next ten days?

- Wit’s story was not about being trans it was about mental illness and it was really good for reasons that I cannot put into words

- And finally: Now that Shallan has two Shardblades, can she wield two swords at once??? Please???

I hope you enjoyed those reactions. Stay safe and have a nice day! :)

#rhythm of war #row #row reactions #stormlight archive #cosmere #row spoilers #rhythm of war spoilers

[buccigang-headcanons]

La Squadra Backstories!!!! Stream of consciousnesss style!

So literally I just sat down and wrote down exactly what I thought. I have not edited these at all lmaooo. But I made long drawn out backstories for our underrated assassins so enjoy!!

T/W + C/W - idk I talk about people dying in a lot of ways. Child abuse, drugs, severe illness, dead cats. This stuff is a mess I really didn’t censor it. But nothing is described in detail cuz I’m too lazy for that.

————

Prosciutto cuz he’s at the top of my mind. Mmkay he and Pesci are brothers but not by blood. Pro was an orphan, I still wanna make him Russian, and pesci’s extremely kind and gentle family adopted him when he was like 7. They were like literally a garden catalogue family. Perfection. The parents died when pro was like 15, Pesci was 13?? Idk the age difference I’m just making shit up now. And Pesci had no fucking idea what to do, they didn’t have any other family, and pro was like “I’m still basically a hardened criminal from living on the streets of russia most of my childhood, so joining the local mafia should be a piece of cake”. It was.

Risotto..... fuck it. Polpo is risottos dad. I’ve seen that so much and fuck it I’m here for it now. Idk how I feel about the whole Mariah from part 3 being his mom that seems too coincidental. But either way, he is half Spanish. I don’t think he’s ever been in touch with his Spanish roots at all, but that’s what he is. Polpo had too much fun on vacay in Spain. But it was a once night stand and polpo, a skinny king back in the mid 70s, fucked off to do mafia stuff and didn’t know about this kid. Risotto never knew his father. Time goes by, about the time he’s 10, rizzo’s mom moves to Italy to find the man she once loved. Since the 70s, she has been married and divorced 4 times, disowned by her entire family, and she speaks only of Polpo, the man who swept her off her feet and then disappeared into the night. Leaving only this child with his matching eyes. So they live in Italy, risotto is about 13 now and his mom has been searching seriously for polpo for about 3 years. One day, she gets too close, mafia takes her out. Risotto is all alone in a country he has lived in for less than 3 years. So he decides to take revenge against the mafia. He goes to hunt them down. (I’m too lazy to write out how. Gets a gun. Basically the scene in part 5 where the kid is like “you killed my father and now I’m gonna kill you!!” But he chickens out???) yeah except rizzo didn’t chicken out, he stood firm and killed 2 of them. The other 2 surrendered, and immediately asked rizzo to take polpos test. He did. And he unknowingly met his father, the man his mother had died looking for. He stared into his fathers eyes, black sclera reflecting each other, and passed his test with ease.

Wowwwwwwwww alrighty then that was something. Let’s shake out those jitters because fuck that was intense and let’s move onto some happy shit.

Melone!! Always a bottle of joy. He was a phenomenal student, a perfect child. Perfect grades, perfect attitude, perfect looks. Onlyyyy tiny thing is he murdered cats and buried their heads in the back yard. But that was his only flaw. Aaaaaaaand mayyybe trying to use his extensive knowledge of molecular biology and genetics (even at as young as 11) to asexually breed said cats.

But, apart from that, absolutely perfect specimen of a young boy. And he kept that up until college. Until the rape accusation. Melone had no interest in having sex with her, he swore under oath in open court, he only wanted to “extract her essence” in the hopes of making her amazing genetics stay pure for centuries.

Due to his previously amazing school record, he was allowed to plead not guilty by reason of insanity (because the justice system is bullshit) and was released to his parents. During this whole process, Melone’s mother had begun to grow suspicious of her son, wondering if there was something wrong with him. This led her to explore the crawl space under the garage, more commonly known as “Melone’s childhood laboratory”. The cat skulls alone were enough to set her off. They allowed him into their home long enough to fool the court, but parole officers don’t pay attention, and they kicked him to the curb a month later. Broke, alone, and with no real skills other than his genius mind and gorgeous body, he became a prostitute. It was only a few months before he wandered up to a gigantic white haired man with angry eyes and asked if he wanted a date. Instead of declining, our good ol rizzo just knocked him out cold and brought him home. The rest is history. Literally because I can’t think of what would happen between that and Melone joining the mafia. I assume he was just their house pet for a little while before he decided he wanted a stand too.

Oh good lord these are getting insane. Better keep going. Okay I have no idea what’s about to come out of my head for ghia but oh Lordy. Might as well start. Ghiaccio wasn’t always quite as angry, but it’s actually gonna be a sweet story. Kinda. He used to act perfect, even tho he always felt the anger inside. He was forced to bottle it up and put on a happy exterior always. His mother was Belgian. (From experience, Belgian mothers (Flemish in particular) will beat you until your ass is raw if you talk back). Italian father, they lived in italy. He had 4 sisters, he was the middle child of 5. Around high school, he started acting out. Of course this was due to all of his bottled up anger from the past 15 years. 4 shattered sinks, 16 holes in the drywall, and one classroom fire later, Ghiaccio was expelled from school. His parents were too busy brimming with joy about the success of all his sisters that they didn’t take much notice to him. “If you’re going to behave in such a manner you might as well leave” his mother said. She was past the point of caring enough to beat him. So he left. 16 and with no where to go, he wandered the streets. After a year or so, Ghia had gotten used to that life, and was angry at everyone, sometimes when he wasn’t even angry. Anger had become his coping mechanism. Screaming was easier than talking. Until one day, he screamed at a blonde man in an intersection. Prosciutto was driving back to the squads hang out, boxes of takeout in the back seat of the car. He had chosen to not stop at the red light, just for fun, and nearly ran into our blue haired teenager. Ghia proceeded to cuss him out for a good 4 minutes in the middle of this intersection before pro cut him off. “Get in the back. “ he said, with his own special brand of brotherly love. “I know how you can put that anger to good use”. Ghiaccio, having no real reason to object, got in the back seat. Prosciutto was silent the rest of the drive and Ghiaccio yelled about all the take out food, now splattered on the backs of the seats due to the sudden slam on the brakes.

Y’all I don’t even remember the other la squadra members. Let’s do sorbet/gelato because they have zero backstory or personality so I can just ramble. *Clears throat* let’s begin. These fuckers. Friends since birth. Grew up together, always really close. They were both dirt poor, but because the only school nearby was a decent public school, when were able to slightly experience middle class living. They liked it. They wanted to see upper class, and once they did, they wanted to be there. These two were money grubbing bffs, I’m talking josuke and okuyasu, but like waaaaay more intense and also violent. They both left home around 14, together of course. Gelatos father had left them a few years prior, and his family were on the brink of starvation. Figuring they didn’t need another mouth to feed (and completely abandoning his post as family patriarch lol) he left with sorbet, who’s family had all died in various ways over the years. Most recently, his older sister being taken by some illness that was probably easily treatable, but with no means for a doctor, she died in days. The boys left home and school, and made a living by pickpocketing tourists and occasionally launching into larger heists. They made a decent living for themselves, but eventually started spending their money on drugs. It’s was sorbet first, heroin was really good to him for awhile. Gelato was against it, knowing it was the reason sorbets family had been so poor to begin with. His father was an addict, and despite holding down a job fairly well, spent all his earnings on drugs. Eventually he became too dependent, lost his job, and OD’d. But around this same time, when the boys were 16/17, they were starting to realize their feelings for each other. Confused teenaged minds full of budding love led to Gelato giving in, and soon their days were filled with heroin fueled ecstatic sex. They lived like this for awhile, existing in half reality, until one day they chose to set their pickpocketing targets on a short man with close cropped gray hair. The plan was perfect, sorbet bumped into the man and gelato passed by to grab his wallet, and suddenly they were the size of mere ants. In an instant, they were returned to size, left to wonder if it was real or just a hallucination from long term drug use. But they didn’t run. Formaggio introduced himself, with a loose handshake and a pause to spit out some tobacco, and promptly invited them to a “party”. Although, Formaggio was honest in his promise, this party did have drugs.

Cheese boys turn!! Seriously who am I forgetting??? Illuso my mirror man! Am I forgetting someone else too?? Idk. But shut up Kel it’s cheese boys turn.

So. Formaggio. Probably the most chill childhood. Lower middle class, pretty average, but he was quite gifted with sports. Soccer was his main, and also a fantastic competitive swimmer. (Okay I have a separate hc that Bruno is really good at soccer so hol horse up a moment so I can imagine those 2 playing soccer together in friendly competition. In my lil au where Bruno is in la squadra because I say BruPro exes rights please and thanks.) but anyway, he got really good at soccer and was offered a scholarship to play at a fancy pants private high school when he was 14. Of course his parents made him go, this has been the family’s dream for years, and formaggio’s as well. So high school is amazing, he’s starting to attract attention from universities even tho he’s barely in grade 11 by this point. And it’s all really amazing until he realizes. This isn’t what he wants. And it’s just that. He doesn’t want to play soccer anymore, he doesn’t want to potentially be famous. He just wants to be a kid. So he leaves school, he leaves home, he wants to start over. And he wanders into a diner and sees this small group of weirdly dressed men. At this point, it’s rizzo, pro, Pesci, and ghia. And he’s staring at them because they’re dressed like circus clowns but their aura is so murderous. And then the one who looks like a giant pineapple starts staring back. Pesci gets up and walks over to Formaggio. “I know you! You’re that amazing kid soccer player!!” And he just goes on and on about shit he read in the news (70% of it was false) until pro comes over and yanks his idiot brother away. Pro starts asking Formaggio questions, thinking he could be a good target. Stupid little rich kid. But to prosciuttos surpise, Formaggio is just a down to earth kid with no more money to his name than he needs to pay for this meal. Prosciutto takes him home after that. He doesn’t really offer any explanation.

(The rambling at the beginning of this paragraph actually happened lol so I paused for like 4 hrs oops)

Alright we are back. Had to leave to go to therapy and then scream at my mother and cry to my boyfriend but we are ready to go! Illuso and I really hope he’s the last one and I’m not forgetting one. Illuso was raised in an orphanage from infancy. No idea who his parents could even be. Fun fact: one of the nuns at the orphanage (cuz it’s an orphanage in Italy in 1980, they’re catholic.) nicknamed him Illuso because he was always pointing at things that weren’t there. As a tiny baby and a child, he would always be looking at things no one else can see (yes illuso is a natural stand user fight me). The nuns called him illuso as an insult, hoping to shame him into stopping. He never did. When he outgrew the orphanage, he decided to join the priesthood. He was 19, a priest in training, when the mafia came to the orphanage. They were collecting, and illuso knew they didn’t have the money this month. He tried to talk the mobsters down, but that went about as well as planned. 4 bullets to the chest, 3 open heart surgeries, and half a dozen resuscitations later, Illuso was released from the hospital. The orphanage had been shut down, and no one knew what had happened to the children or the nuns. With no where to go, illuso knew of one place that could use talents like his. The talents of steadily stealing money from the starving children of the church for a decade. It was during polpos test that illuso’s stand manifested. Not due to the arrow, but to protect its user from the other stand. Illuso was able to avoid Black Sabbath by hiding in his newfound mirror world until it was time to return the lighter to polpo (kinda cowardly but whatever.) he was assigned to risottos group by chance and was the last to join excluding Melone. But they loved him as if they had found him themselves.

#jojo's bizarre adventure #vento aureo #golden wind #la squadra #Melone #ghiaccio #Formaggio #illuso #sorbet #gelato #risotto Nero #prosciutto #Pesci #jojo part 5 #jjba

[danishmiilk]

if your moots were fanfics, what would they be? :p

ANON! i’ve been wanting to do this for the lONgest time (two days) so i’m soooo happy to have received this LMAO even though,,, this may NOT be accurate but im just gonig to do this randomly to the best of my ability

it’s very long, so more under the cut

@lebrookestore || taeyong + bookshop!au. so basically taeyong works at this bookshop and shes always going in to flip through books and such because she can’t afford to buy them and taeyong’s supposed to chase her away but just doesn’t have the heart to and one day she really just goes up and thanks him and hes like no problem and its usually quite empty so the next times she goes to said bookshop taeyong will go and sit with her to read the books and they talk and like wow they like the same shit! so then they Fall In Love wow

@hannie-dul-set || jaemin + definitely fluff. so basically her best friend (me! IM SORRY ALLEX BYE) and her best friend’s boyfriend (SICHENG! IM NOT SORRY ALLEX BYE) decided that their best friends weren’t getting like enough DATES so then they dragged them out on a double date (only for her and jaemin it was a bLIND date). it was at the dog cafe and the moment me and sicheng got there we just left them and ran away and theyd already bought like food so they decided to just stay and it was awkward for a bit but then like, jaemin was so good with dogs and hot damn. then yall exchange numbers and by the time yall get out of the cafe you see me and sicheng across the street using binoculars to spy on yall.

@seeing-dreams || chenle + def fluff, highschool!au. i feel like it’d be the secret admirer letter thing, which i think you already know what i mean? like chenle’s your crush bc (tbh he’e everyone’s) hes so hot and hes part of the basketball team and he also sits with you in bio and also at the same time you’ve been getting notes taped to the underside of your table in bio, and its like 10 or so letters before you get the last one asking you on a date (and leaving their number!! so if you want to date then call!!) and so youve alr fallen for this guy’s diction and you call the number and chenle’s phone rings. he winKS at you and youre like oH MY GOD

@floweringtheflowers || mark + YO IM SORRY BUT ISN’T YOUR WRITING ACC LIKE NEOSCULPTURES A SMUT BLOG I VAGUELY REMEMBER YOU SAYING THAT OR SUMN SO + pwp LMAO IM SORRY- and like obviously i don’t read those but like yeah take it take it away you just give me very strong pwp vibes bye

@moonlightjeno || jeno + arranged marriage!au, royalty!au, one sided etl!au. MHM SO BASICALLY YOURE A PRINCESS AND JENO IS A PRINCE AND THE KING AND QUEEN OF JENO’S COUNTRY (cough doyoung and his wife) dECIDE THAT OK TREATY so then you and jeno have to get married and like bc were such nice people we decide that okay, yall get married for oNE YEAR if really cannot then like fine,, yall can divorce. so yall just like try to tide it out for a year right but you need to fake in the eyes of the public and you hate jeno but hes just trying to make this more bearable for the two of you and one day yall have an argument and jeno goes like “I JUST REALLY wANT TO KISS YOU, OKAY?” *squeal* and youre like whatthefuck and then, like, you know what? you jsut pretend that didn’t happen but you eventually agree to just be cordial and friendly and become friends, and you know jeno’s in love with you but you try to not make it awkward and somewhere along the way you fall in love *clasps hands together with a huge sigh* deserve.

@sehunniepot || (i want to write this alr) yuta + hogwarts!au, etl!au, HOUSE RIVALRY!AU BC THOSE ARE SUPERIOR. yuta’s definitely a gryffindor so you can be a slytherin since you never tOLD me. so so anyway youve hated each other from day one because of some stupid misunderstanding of him purposely tripping you in the train and then youre sorted into slytherin and him in gryffindor and the next four years are pranks and sneers and insults and glares. then the yule ball comes up, and because the hogwarts teachers are so JUMPY you have a dancing lesson with randomly assigned partners and you get yuta and AAAA “boys, put your hand on the girl’s waist.” and youre glaring daggers but yuta does it anyway with that cocky grin and you hold hands and your hand’s on his shoulder and are his ears red, or is that just your imagination?? then yall just tease each other the entire dancing lesson and when you get back to your dorm best friend!doyoung’s all like “why was nakamoto blushing-” and you’re like “nothing.” then then YOU REALISE YOU CANT STOP THINKING OF HIS HAND ON YOUR WAIST AND DURING THE NEXT DANCE LESSON YOU NATURALLY GRAVITATE TOWARD EACH OTHER AND DOYOUNG’S LIKE ?? OKAY THEN ILL JUST GO DANCE QITH SOMEONE ELSE?? then the teachers (who know of your stupid rivalry) are like: okay then miss l/n and mr nakamoto if you’ve already paired up. OH THEN A FEW WEEKS LATER HE ASKS YOU TO THE BALL UNDER THE GUISE THAT “YOU ACTUALYL DANCE WELL” AND YOURE LIKE “YOURE NOT TOO BAD YOURSELF” but its all, ofc, a pretense and then at the ball you all (having alr realised you like each other), confess, and promptly kiss under the shining ice stalactites magically hung from the trees in the grounds of hogwarts. (OH MY GOD FUCK IM WRITING THIS)

@doyounged || doyoung + fluff, def + i think high school sweethearts!au so this is the really fluffy oneshots where like youre super shy!! like its pretyt obvious you have crushes on each other but like first relationship or wtv and you jsut brush fingers and BLUSH and put your arm around each other and BLUSH and cheek kiss and BLUSH and you get my point? yeah yeah that’s the whole au

@moonbeamsung || jisung + fluff af + best freinds to lovers!au the only thing i can think of is like cute sleepovers and the sleeptalking thing, i’ve written something like that for you i thiNK?? 

@orange-nimon-cross || cai xukun + angst. just pure angst. im not even kidding the angst is so bad oh my god- probably hurt-comfort. like xukun’s your emotional rock and hes jsut so,,, ROCK AND HES ALW THERE FOR YOU AND KAJOFSDF A HUG SOLVES ALL and something like that you get my point, yes??

@rouiyan || hyuck + uhm, ice hockey player hyuck. like i think you did one with jeno or something but like idk why does the concept suit your vibe so muCH?? this one bc hyuck is playful it’d be like you’re dragged to the matches bc jeno’s your best friend but you couldnt give a flying fuck about ice hockey and his annoying teammate (hyuck.) keeps flirting with you and like one day you ask him straight up why are you flirting with me and hyuck’s immediately apologetic like shit did it make you uncomfy ill stop and youre like hes,,, a nice guy and then yall bond over like post-match meals which jeno starts dragging yall all to and then yeah sicheng and ten (same hockey team) help hyuck plan a confession and he confesses at the pizza shop.

@radiorenjun || renjun + angst, but with a happy ending if i feel like it- oh hold on maybe not angst ill save you the heartbreak. def artist!renjun, not even going to think about it, and kind of supernatural/soulmate? like he has dreams of a mystery girl every night and that’s the inspo for all his paintings, and he tries selling them to an art gallery and youre the curator of said art gallery adn youre liek “thats so beautiful, but why is it always the back view of the girl?” and renjun looks up from his paintings to explain and he sees you and literally screams because he’s never seen the mystery girl’s face but HE KNOWS its you. it HAS to be. so the two of you try figuring out the stupid phenomenon and who knows, maybe it’s just fate’s way of letting the two of you come together! yall become a thing YAY

--- once again, thank you anon for this ask! i really enjoyed doing this and like you know what?? i may write some of these aus someday. definitely the yuta one. someday.

#moots! #anon #asks #mention games

[takrat]

I hope its okay that ive stolen snazzy-suit's name for this... I wanna go ahead and share my take on the District 9 AU. Oh yeah spoilers for the movie

Irken/child shippers DNI (yes dib is older in this au but z*drs do not fucking interact)

District Doom AU notes under cut:

So its not a perfect parallel of the movie but roughly here are the character parallels: Dib is Wikus (son of Prof. Membrane the founder of PEG labs--"MNU" who's primary goal is researching the aliens for SCIENCE! and Dib desperately wants to be a part of it), Zim is Christopher (former Irken Scientist and lead Invader of his squad in Impending Doom I who were aboard the Massive before catastrophe hit), Gir is Oliver 😊, Skoodge is Paul aka the alien that gets shot early on in the movie but don't worry he's okay now, Gaz is here but idk she's just vibing on her own, oh that assistant guy to Wikus? Uhmm probably gonna be Dwicky or something

After an encounter with a Florpus Hole, the Massive is seriously messed up and finds its way to Earth, hovering over a miserable city, miserably out of fuel with dozens of miserable Irkens aboard. Its systems are horribly damaged so there is no contacting Irk for help.

At the very oldest Dib is 19 and the Irkens have been there for around 20 years, possibly only 15 or so?

Because the Massive's systems are all offline, theres no online PAK charging stations--after about ~20 years, the Irkens with standard issue PAKs are growing weak and dying off (Zim has an Invader's PAK--his charge can last much longer)

The Tallests are there basically in hiding. Purple hates earth donuts.

Dib is put in charge of Operation Eviction, moving the Irkens to a new district further away from the city because they are just so fucking ANNOYING nobody can stand them--while this isn't what he wants, he still goes with it because he hopes to study the aliens up close. It'll be the first time he's been allowed in District D--not just snuck in as a kid and either got kicked out by security or almost blown up

Zim and Skoodge have been collecting fluid from scattered Irken technology for many years, fuel for the Massive so that they may return to Irk and send aid (and also come back and destroy Earth)

Commence chaos and commotion--Dib finds himself with a dead Irken's PAK attached to his chest that is slowly turning him into an Irken. and also he confiscated the fuel which was taken to high security PEG labs

I cant believe they fucking killed skoodge

PEG doesn't have a large focus on alien weaponry like in the movie (they do have some, but studying the aliens and their tech in the name SCIENCE! is their whole deal)

Dib and Zim clash and have to end up working together. Dib is able to get them into PEG labs to get the fuel, Zim can get the PAK safely detached from Dib without killing him and reverse the side effects once they get aboard the Massive. There's a lot more character development and friendship that i just don't have the brain power to work out right now

Unfortunately Prof. Membrane is a bit less redeemable in this au.. hes more antagonistic but I really don't want to fuck my man up too bad cus I really like this guy. Hes not horrible, but he does see whats happening to Dib and wants to study him, reasonably though I think that comes across as very scary to Dib and he freaks out. So not entirely sure why Dib has to run away and seek refuge in District D, but I think he's just scared? Miscommunications with him and Prof. I'll flesh it out later whatever

They go to the Tallests' little hideout and Zim tells them his plan for saving them all.. they think he's crazy but send him and Dib off with some cool gear (probably hoping he'll end up killed or captured by PEG labs).

Zim is outcasted among the stranded Irkens because he's generally assumed to have caused the Florpus hole (yea it was him), but he's been desperately trying to prove himself and make up for it (and hes really the only one with any initiative to save them and return to Irk--everyone else is too stupid, hopeless, or cowardly).

They break in whatever. end up running into Skoodge who's kind of just been chilling in the labs and going through some boring experiments

"Skoodge? I thought the humans killed you" "Yeeeaahh but im okay now"

However, Skoodge exempt(?), there's been some Fucked up tests going on to captured Irkens and Zim is really angry and distraught. Dibs also freaked out--like yea he assumed the scientists were doing scary tests and in fact wanted to perform them, but actually seeing the results and how it effects Zim, and getting to know Zim and the Irkens as people, really snaps him to reality and how messed up what PEG labs is doing

Now this would be the end where Zim takes off in the Massive back to Irk and Dib ends up retreating to District D and ultimately transforming fully into an Irken.. but the au definitely doesn't end here. But I dont have the brain power to think any further. Let's see if District 10 ever really does come out like the directors promised

They get the fluid, escape, Zim gets the control module up and running God DAMMIT who is supposed to be that stupid bald military guy in this. That guy in the movie. Okay there's some guy ill figure it out later.

Zim was gonna just fix Dib up, leave him, and take off for Irk, but after finding out about what PEG labs has been doing with experimenting on his people, he has to use all of the fuel and get help as fast as he can, so Dib is left behind.

Anyway if anybody has any ideas im begging dont hesitate to share 🥺 ive also got a bunch of doodles for this? So if you think I should post them sometime let me know. I need to stop typing because my hands hurt now

#txt #District Doom AU #District 9 AU #invader zim

[taptroupe]

finally we are here. EVERGRACE CHAPTER 10 PART 3 LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO but this time it’s actually serious

i even  made an animated visual this time!

but this kinda spoils the later part of the chapter so please enjoy it once you reach the part in my tumblr post. thank you. also warning this is pretty fucked up and violent and has slight implications of asphyxiation maybe

“So, Morpheus is up there, right?”

“Yes. We’ll be taking a gondola from near here, and then climb a stairway to get to him.”

“Guess it would be tiring to walk the whole way.”

“[something someting] it’s a normal stairway, but it goes up this hollowed out tower, and many parts of this tower are still untouched [think this was mentioned over in the second part in fact]”

“And Morpheus is at the very top?”

“Yes.”

“Man, he must really enjoy that God complex.”

“I’m not sure about that... The Tower’s peak is the closest to the outside world, after all. The Cycle...”

As soon as the word “Cycle” left her mouth, she gasped and looked at Darius.

[...or did Darius gasp, leading to Medina to stare at him?]

“If he were to free this world, captured by the Cycle... That’s certainly a fitting place to do it, wouldn’t it?”

“Are you saying my country’s been caught up by this Cycle?” of course orlaidnfids is saying this bit

“That’s what I remember hearing, but... I’m not sure of myself.”

wellll once they got down the stairs they saw the funny looking pillars of the soaring tower. you know the ones you brute force the fuck out of lol i sure did

As they descended to the end of the stairway, they came across some strange pillars. The four evenly spaced round pillars were of white, red, green, and blue. And at the wall nearby was a door that certainly wouldn’t be opened by hand.

“if it hasn’t changed, then this should work...”

Medina stood near the colourless pillar, and like she had hit the leaf relief, fired palmira actions at the coloured pillars from her arm. [must be her alcrest powers]

Red fire Palmira. Green leaf palmira. Blue Ice Palmira. 

Then all the lights turned off, including the colourless pillar. And once more, Medina launched leaf palmira at the green pillar, turning it on again. And the colourless pillar turned green toooooooooo........ AND THE DOOR OPENED WOW EVERGRACE WIKI GET YOUR WALKTRHOUGHS HERE LOL

“alright everyone get in and ride this bad boy”

medina ushered the two guys into the small room that opened up. there was a lever near the wall and she activated it, closing the door. with a small bump, the lights in the room dimmed, and started to move or something

“So this is... A gondola, huh?”

Darius asked without a shred of ill will, as he looked around the room. Medina couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

“First time?”

“Not like that, but I mean... Rieubane is pretty amazing. We haven’t reached this kind of technology in the time period where I come from.”

“Time period?” orlainde and Medina both ask.

“Right, in the place where I come from... Rieubane’s already been destroyed for 100 years now. How I’m here, how this can all still be here... I don’t really understand it.”

“Ah, Sharline did talk about the Darius who was a young boy... Perhaps time’s been shifted between the outside and in here.”

Medina continued on.

“In this closed country, perhaps we’ve been left behind by the passage of time.”

“It’s been a year since that incident that our country was blocked off, right? And you said that it’s been a hundred years out here... So perhaps, a day here equals 100 days outside.”

oralindade did the math. I did the math. This is his math. could it be? 100 days outside means 1 day inside?

if sharline and darius are separated by 13 years, then... that is 4745 days outside, but converted into rieubane days that’s like, almost 50 days! but didn’t the others say sharline was only there a few days ago?! not over a month...?!

“What did you say?! Wait, my friends... No, the starving villages and cities...!”

“Hey, hey, it’s just something I thought up! It’s just a guess.... Gah!”

The gondola stopped with a sudden, loud noise. The three were probably knocked to the ground, and Medina looked at the gondola with a worrying glance.

“This is the first time this has happened...”

Medina pulled the lever and opened the door to a dark room.

“looks like the plans have changed. it seems to have stopped lower than usual.”

“So, we can’t go up?”

“No, this is the highest point. We’ll walk from here.”

[i wonder what she meant by that? is this the appropriate destination? probably the “first time” bit was how it stopped suddenly perhaps.]

Darius stepped out and looked carefully around the room. No sign of monsters, but the sound of the wind outside the tower could be heard from far away. There was a door-like opening with an arch, with rubble strewn about.

“If we continue in from here, we’ll reach the beginning of the staircase.”

As Medina continued onward, she was stopped suddenly by Darius.

“Thanks, but... I have a bad feeling about this. You should walk behind us.”

this WHOLE bit about describing a room is so hard. i’m just gonna machine translate this and pray to god. it’s like a room.. it’s dusty... fanshaped with weird things everywhere..... experimentation tools like the room of the legendary mercenary... two doors split off, and there’s a tower with an iron grate near the centre of the room... idk there’s a light near the back, and an open door near there too. this is alot and i can’t even figure out where this is in the game. SORRY LOOK OKAY LOOK GUYS HERE’S

Going through the strange doorway, Darius follows a narrow dark path. He motions for orsdfjsdfds and Medina to stop as he peers through the iron grate. I can kinda understand the layout of the room now hahaha

A glowing bluewhite pillar stands in the middle of the room. There are female soldiers with blonde hair and purple skin standing side by side or something.

you know. them

beyond the female soliders was a transparent like wall, like the one they saw in the human laboratory. and beyond that wall was a girl sitting on her knees - a girl with red hair.

with a gasp, darius pulled back from the grate.

“darius, what’s wrong?”

orladin rushed to him, with quiet footsteps. darius replied back in an equally hushed tone.

“it’s sharline.”

“huh? just by herself?”

“It seems like it. she’s in a... strange tube while the soldiers stand around it.”

SHARLINE IN THE TUBE WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now you may watch the video at the top of the page.

“that’s an experimental cell and transfer device that my grandfather made, and those are ‘ferugu’ patrolling around it - also made by my grandpappy”

orlsjfid looked around the room the three were in. 

“hey, there’s a lever on this wall. will this open the grate?”

“i haven’t been here often, so i’m not sure...”

“how about this one..?”

darius notices another lever on the wall opposite.

“i really don’t know, but... perhaps if we both activate the levers, the grate might open up, then.”

“We’ll try it. I’ll be counting on you two.” Darius says, warhammer in hand, already facing the grates.

orladidifns stands near one of the levers, waiting. and asks:

“so.... how did morpheus activate this grate, when it takes two people?”

“i don’t think he’d really have a reason to come here. and if he did have something here, the transfer device would’ve taken sharline up to his experimental lab, anyhow.”

“i see...”

“i wonder if sienna is nearby?” “we’ll probably figure it out as we go up.”

oljskfjksf stands silently near the lever now.

“the first plan of action will be to rescue sharline, right?”

“right, otherwise she might be transferred away.”

[koitsu wa ugokan darou was hard to understand but i think that’s it. the alternative is that he’s referring to darius just moving on from this debacle if they didn’t wanna save sharline lol]

cranking the levers to a steady rhythm, the grate slowly rose up from its position, and darius followed the path briskly (worried that the grate might unexpectedly fall on him haha). and in no time at all, the female soldiers took notice of him and readied their swords.

darius kinda like. deflected some of their attacks because they’re pretty slow? might’ve dodged a few by ducking. ignoring their sluggish moves, darius turns and runs to where sharline is.

『Darius!』

i thought it was an interesting choice to have double quotes like that so i’m keeping it in and i’m lazy to figure out how to localize that emphasis for an english audience. bbut the following line makes sense as to why.

across the shimmering wall, a muffled voice could be heard. sharline hit the wall with her fists, trying to break free. darius shouted.

“Get back!”

seeing the warhammer in his hand, sharline backed up against the wall. with a tight grip, darius swung at the light wall, shattering it into pieces. 

it was for a moment, but the shattered pieces seemed to glitter as they danced in the air. 

At the moment, a heavy thud reverberated. A sound much like the dropping of a grate. 

Followed by Medina’s cries.

“Darius, behind you!” Sharline shouted.

darius swung around and could notice the panicked faces of medina and olksjfsjf beyond the grates. olskfjlsfjlsf seemed to be shouting something that he couldn’t make out. and furthermore, the female soliders were getting up, ready to face him again.

But at that moment, darius felt a familiar warmth against his back.

“I just knew you’d come to save me, Darius.”

Sharline smiled, with a smile wide enough to reach her ears. 

A cold smile, as her arms dug into Darius’s neck.

“Under my master’s command, I stayed here all nice and put. Y’see, my master really wants to see the Crest up close... So why don’t you come with me?”

It was Sharline’s voice, yet what came out of her mouth wasn’t anything like Sharline at all.

[use of omae below]

“You... You’re.... What monster are you...?”

“I’m Sharline.”

It was like some kind of inhuman strength fought against Darius as he struggled to break free. A strange pattern emerged from the sparkling debris of the cage, marking the ground with its shape...

Darius hesitated for a moment before he closed his eyes shut, and struck Sharline’s torso with his elbow.

It was like hitting rock. She continued to press on.

>be me >at the soaring tower >bringing my comrade and a nice lady who lives here to the top floor >sees my sis in a tube >she’s super weird >asked her specifically to get back so i wouldn’t accidentally hit her >she’s free of the tube >we get out, things are looking better >she busts out the stranglehold >mfw

just wanted to the lighten the mood with a funny thing based off a tweet liv made once. back to work

He scrambled to find his knife, but his fingers only touched an empty sheath - a thought arose in Darius’s frantic mind, that the knife must’ve fallen out during his battle with the Legendary Mercenary.

“You know, if you thrash around like that, it’s only gonna be pain for you. Y’see, there’s only one thought in this head of mine - and that’s to kill any naysayers. Sooo, if you don’t come along with me, I’m just gonna tear you to bits like that!”

[lots of wa and yo and no and ne suffixes here. like much more than usual, and sharline’s speech pattern is really cheerful and interjected with bits of things. in short, Energetic Elder Sister Of Kill]

The female soldiers approached them, with sword in hand. Darius tried to swing them away with his warhammer, but a thin hand pulled his arm back with the strength of iron shackles.

“I just wanted to get you there quickly safe and intact, you know... If you’re not going to listen to me, I guess I can’t expect you to act like a grownup either, huh?”

With a giggle and a smile, the monster that took on Sharline’s shape tightened her grasp around Darius’s neck.

Darius tried to use the momentum to lunge to the side, hoping to knock Sharline to the ground, but her feet would simply not leave the floor - as if planted to the ground.

“Oh yes, your friends are over there, aren’t they? But you probably won’t make it in time.” 

Using his one free hand, he tried to grab the sword of the nearby soldiers, but it was no use... Palmira actions wouldn’t work either, at such a close range... 

Darius readied his warhammer as the female warrior swung down her sword. But, at that moment, something behind the warrior swung and struck it, sending the warrior flying.

Behind that warrior, in front of where the grates were, was a strange figure cloaked in black armor with a large knife.

All Sharline could let out was an “Eh?”

Darius, shaking free of her momentarily slack arms, plunges the sword into her, channeling Palmira power into the blade. Though the attack landed, he feels a dull impact at the tip of the sword, and the recoil sends him back. His armor makes sparks against the ground, and his back is er.... the skin peels off his back, it probably really hurts that’s kinda a lot of detail novel

But with the power of luck, Darius pushes the sword in deeper, and finishes the monster off. Sharline staggers backwards, shrieking some noise that could never come from a human... 

you know i don’t actually get the intricacies of this bit here and i’m here to write about darius and sharline being best friends not to see them beat each other to death so i’m freeballing it. contact me if this pisses you off somehow

darius lands a hit with the warhammer to her collarbones, her red hair seems to fly, and sharline crashes into a white pillar and falls. it was as if the red hair fell out in bundles, skin like porcelain and i’m not digging how she’s described as white skin and thin arms at all but this bit at least it implies it’s porcelain BECAUSE SHARLINE’S SKIN IS CRACKING AND PEELING OFF 

it was like reddish-brown sand scattered and spilled to the ground, like a leather pouch deflated on the ground. and as if a dust of white fog, sharline’s clothes  and the mountain of sand it rested on...   all disappeared.... 

My God. Fucked Up Bit. this is going out because it’s already plenty long. DAMN

THANKS SNAZZ FOR HELPING WITH THE “DARIUS TRIES TO THROW SHARLINE TO THE GROUND” BIT THOUGH

#evergrace novel funtime #this bit was literally fucked up beyond belief i made a new follower look at it and they were like wow that's screwed up #i'm here to write about happy sibling moments not Sharline Gives Darius A Noogie of Death #it was fun to write her dialogue because it was pretty cute and cheerful but that's because it contrasts her fucked up actions anywaysssssss #fucked up sure is

[galaxae]

3, 7 and 18 for as many as you can answer; btw do you still have an ocs page? like with introductions and all that

wow this took forever oops!

tysm for the ask!! i’ve been meaning to make a carrd or something with oc intros, but i have so goddamn many ocs and so little time now that i’m in college and all that. and i have the code saved from my old pages before i remade, but those are kind of outdated and incomplete

that being said i’m probably gonna end up making that carrd regardless of how busy i am cause special interest indulgence and all that, so i’ll post about it when i do

anyway! i’m putting the actual oc answers under a readmore because i’m gonna try to do all the ocs i listed and it’ll be kinda long lol

3. What does your oc’s voice sound like? (Or, if you have one, what’s their voiceclaim?) Can they sing, whistle, or roll their rs? Do they have any speech impediments or notable dialects/accents?

how does one even describe voices... ok here goes

avani: she’s my character for a ttrpg campaign, so her voice sounds basically like mine (which might not help much cause you don’t know how i talk lol), but when i’m talking as her i pitch my voice up a bit and make it a bit more nasally. she’s not much of a singer, nor can she whistle, but she can roll her r’s pretty well. also, since she’s autistic and hard of hearing, her tone of voice often comes off the "wrong” way

farhan: he’s another ttrpg character i play lol, or at least he will be next semester, so his voice is again kind of like mine. but when i talk as him i pitch my voice down and it’s a bit hoarse. ig his voice would also be more “masculine” than mine but whatever. he can sing and whistle but has a pretty small vocal range (since he’s, like, 13 right now and will be 16 when i rp him next semester)

carter: i imagine his voice as low and on the quiet and raspy end, with a tiny bit of a lisp. he’s way too insecure to try to sing or even whistle or anything like that, though if he practiced at it he’d probably get pretty good

calira: she’s mute so n/a i guess. but she talks pretty formally in her dialect of elvish sign language, which is definitely unusual

sam: they have kind of a low voice that’s also raspy, but with quite a bit of pep and variation in their tone. they can even sing pretty well and they like to whistle constantly while working. that creates some kind of whiplash cause sam comes off as a typical edgy teen a lot of the time

jizoriel: high-pitched with lots of voice cracks, peak pretentious preteen/early teen jerkass. he can’t really sing or do anything similar, nor does he want to very much

victoria: so quiet and raspy that you can barely make out that it’s low and has a soothing and pleasant tone to it. she can sing well, or at least she could once upon a time

rowan: just! the happiest and most cheerful voice you can imagine! so much love behind how she talks! her voice fills up her whole head and the whole room!! and she whistles sometimes while she walks

ace: defies any masculine or feminine labels, smooth and cool in theory but they stutter quite a bit

charity: gruff but with a hint of cheer and clarity behind it that comes out when she’s startled. she loves to sing but can’t whistle and can’t roll her r’s either

jamal: i actually have a voiceclaim for him! it’s this (the voice that sings from 1:51 to 1:58)

kimberly: her voice is a bit high and a bit... idk how to say it exactly... i guess shrill would be the word?

fabián: his voice seems higher-pitched than it actually is cause he talks higher when he’s anxious, and he’s always anxious. it’s a bit hard to describe his voice otherwise tbh. i can hear it in my head but i can’t quite put it to paper oops. oh yeah also he has a great singing voice but never uses it sooo

7. What song reminds you of this oc? Does this match up with the type of music your oc likes to listen to?

this question opens up a wormhole cause i have playlists for many of these guys but instead i’ll just provide one (1) song for each and vaguely describe their music taste, how does that sound

avani: honestly “mr. capgras encounters a secondhand vanity” by will wood is a “her” song to me. her music taste leans a lot more toward older music though (like some classics from the 70s and 80s and such)

farhan: he’s still very new so i haven’t really found a song for him yet. but i know he absolutely loves peppy and energetic pop music and also sappy gay love songs

carter: (slaps my hand away when i try to type another will wood song) “fantasy island” by the shins always launches me into daydreams about him. which kinda roughly aligns with his music taste, he listens to a lot of those “mainstream indie” artists. he’d also listen to will wood because he’s gay and mentally ill <3

calira: one of my favorite songs on her playlist is “maximillian von spee” by dirt poor robins. but the music she listens to is basically all invigorating church-loving stuff with medieval-era instruments lmao

sam: “sometimes” by nick lutsko is an absolute bop and very much a sam song. sam actually doesn’t go out of their way to listen to music though, but when they do they listen to either the most soothing and relaxing stuff or to the angriest metal emo music. no in between

jizoriel: i’ll go the less emo angle here and say a song that reminds me of him is “upside down” by jack johnson. jizoriel’s music taste is like. old choir music and shit plus incomprehensible magical music that doesn’t even sound like music. if he was from earth he’d like my chemical romance

victoria and rowan: i’m grouping these two together here because a song that reminds me very strongly of both of them/their relationship is “human” by dodie. which actually fits very well into both of their music tastes!

ace: again, going the less edgy angle here, “auntie earth” by walter mitty and his makeshift orchestra. but ace mostly listens to uh, classical flute music and flute covers

charity: absolutely “dance and cry” by mother mother, that’s pretty much her theme song. it’s among her favorite songs in canon too

jamal: “tire swing” by los elk, since his arc is about letting go of childhood and all that jazz. he’s more inclined to listen to fun. and other pop artists and rappers and such. he likes janelle monae

kimberly: “best tears” by the happy fits for sure. in terms of her music taste though, her taste is pretty similar to jamal’s. they bond over being janelle monae fans

fabián: by god does “heal” by so much light fit him. his taste is that he rotates through three (3) specific obscure indie artists lmao, so theoretically i guess that specific song is included in there

18. How does your oc see themself? How does this compare to the way other ocs see them?

i am gonna do my best to keep these short cause this is a loaded question for all of them hoo boy

avani: how she sees herself: honestly the worst person alive. unless she spends every moment of her time trying to make up for what she’s done, she’s worthless, and she doesn’t deserve to love herself in any capacity how others see her: her brother (farhan) really looks up to her! most of the time. the superhero team she’s on (other people’s ocs) all think she’s generally smart and capable enough, and her boyfriend in particular thinks she’s incredible

farhan: how he sees himself: as of right now? a misunderstood emo middle schooler who’s still kind of cool i guess how others see him: his sister (avani) thinks he’s quite an impressive and charismatic young man

carter:  how he sees himself: 1/10 awkward and annoying how others see him: carter reminds calira too much of her old self, so she love-hates him. sam thinks he’s weak and cowardly but admires his kindness. and jizoriel clings to him as a caring father figure and loves carter’s passion for natural studies

calira: how she sees herself: it goes back and forth between “i’m the greatest chosen one ever im such a strong warrior” and “wow i’m literal trash why did the gods pick me for this” how others see her: carter is a bit intimidated by her but appreciates her attempts to vibe with him, sam thinks she’s an annoying pretentious self-important bitch (but their opinion softens over time), and jizoriel sees right through her facade and feels comfortable around her because of it

sam:  how they see themself: evil and in need of redemption, kind of similar to avani ig but with 10x more confidence in their skills and also much more violent how others see them: carter knows theyre doing their best even if theyre kind of an asshole, calira is a fan of their strength and determination, and jizoriel Hates Their Guts (at first) because they baby him too much

jizoriel: how he sees himself: a fucking fraud of a prince. all he has going for him is his abilities as a mage, but even then those are shaky how others see him: carter knows he’s very insecure and wants to comfort him, calira admires his magical prowess and noble air, and sam thinks he’s a snarky little pretentious douchebag but also he reminds them of their late brother and they want to protect him at all costs

victoria: how she sees herself: basically dead. only good for interacting with ghosts. not worthy of the human world or of friendship how others see her: she reminds rowan of her old self. rowan sees a glimmer of love and hope in her and wants to bring it out

rowan: how she sees herself: a fucking mess but she’s trying her best and that’s what counts! how others see her: victoria very much appreciates her cheerful air even if she doesn’t act like it

ace: how they see themself: way too weird to be human, way too weak not to be. their self-image changes constantly. theyre very confused about everything please help how others see them: charity is literally dating them lol she thinks theyre the cutest person alive, jamal appreciates how hard they try as a friend, kimberly thinks theyre an alien invader whom she can study and use to get further in life, and fabián knows more about ace than anyone else and loves them for it

charity: how she sees herself: a Teenager who’s struggling. she desperately wants to be young without the burden of her trauma but whether she thinks of herself as emo and sad and angry or not depends a lot on her mood how others see her: ace adores everything about her, jamal loves how cool and fun and sociable she can be, kimberly is annoyed with her rebelliousness, and fabián worries very much for her well-being and can’t shake the image of her as helpless (oops that’s gonna cause some drama)

jamal: how he sees himself: just a chill guy trying to get by. unremarkable. how others see him: ace is grateful for how forgiving he can be but is still terrified of him being angry over [spoilers], charity loves how sociable and fun he is and how protective he can be of his friends, kimberly secretly envies his carefree nature, and fabián sees him as a solid acquaintance to whom he did not give a good first impression

kimberly: how she sees herself: not good! if she can’t grow up fast and do science well then she’s useless how others see her: ace wants to be friends with her but doesn’t know how to do that, charity is annoyed by her rule-bound-ness, jamal thinks she’s cool but should unwind a little, and fabián resents her at first but would still like to play chess with her sometime

fabián: how he sees himself: he has a moral responsibility to help people Or Else. way too anxious and stuck up but he doesn’t know how to change that how others see him: ace fuckin Loves this guy, charity loves him too but she gets pissed when he tries to help her with anything, jamal genuinely thinks he’s a great guy and wants to get to know him better, and kimberly is actually impressed by him and envies his apparent confidence and charisma

ok ok that’s it i promise. sorry this is so long and tysm for reading if you made it this far!! feel free to ask more oc questions literally whenever, that goes for anyone reading this <3

#pey talks #ocs tag #this was so fun to write thank you for asking ;-; #ace #avani #calira #carter #charity #fabián #farhan #jamal #jizoriel #kimberly #sam

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

#out. #illness cw #health cw #food mention #ive been writing this since noon and its now two pm so this is great #i’s usually put this under a read more but... maybe most people dont deserve a read more rn lol #their behavior will keep being awful if its not pointed out to them so #im done im gonna go welt up from hugging my cat and cry for a bit because i feel mean

[mental-health-advice]

Submissions from 🦚🌺

So took me a while to scroll through to my last tagged ask (for some reason searching didn’t work). So much about staying consistent and actually tagging my stuff from now on. Gosh uff. The one where sibling found possible drugs and the one about mom being xenophobic almost causing shut down as in passing out were me too. I usually either tend to forget to tag or I guess am kinda scared since I feel I send in A LOT? I really don’t know. It’s just a lot going on and I feel bad always (1🦚🌺)

I feel bad always throwing all my stuff at my friends. Especially as one friend a few years ago was diagnosed with depression. Idk what her current situation is tho except that she seems to do better. I won’t ask her since I feel weird about that stuff. Plus really unless she wants to tell me it’s none if my business. But yeah that’s that I guess. Now… I’ve been rejected from the art college/highschool unfortunately so that’s out the window. My therapist suggests volunteer year 2🦚🌺

Whivh we have a social and economic one of I think? Idk. I know social won’t work because of my likelyhood of social anxiety which kinda self explanatory I guess. Economic I’m just scared I wont be able to pull the whole tear through, scared to do stuff wrong etc. Hell I spent 2 low sleep nights crying after the rejection and mom forced the answer out of me when I clearly didn’t want to talk about it. Turned into an argument about how I got forced into abitur/regular highschool 3🦚🌺

And OBVIOUSLY she blames dad for it. Which like… great whatever he told her. My point is HE was more supportive in front of ME than she was. She just tore me down 2 years ago. Next week I dont have a therapist appointment since she will be moving. So I’m praying this week will go by smoothly. Well as smooth as it can go with all the arguments around here I guess. I’m still trying to process everything since March 4🦚🌺

1? 2? I’ve lost track of time … weeks ago she and her bf fought very badly and she essentially ran away for an hour, he claimed he is leaving but then stayed. My younger sisters were all crying, my brothers were just not surprised and I had to try call family members (which calling others is a physical challenge for me) trying to find a way to deal with what happened. My therapist knows about this incident. She now also knows moms bf smokes weed but not about what 5🦚🌺

else we found. I’ll see if I can bring it up soonish since it still worries me… my brother also later confirmed again he caught them snorting it so yeah most likely we are right about it being cocaine. I feel uncomfortable looking up the effects of it but my cousin said that could explain a lot of moms behavior. Shes always been this way I think.I right now dont even remember where I was going with this ask chain hhhh frick.I’m loosing track of myself once again please send help 6🦚🌺

(Have to switch to browser because app again refuses to let me send stuff wtf) My mom also is back onto “oh you just have split personality!” … I have informed myself on DID and OSDD, I have symptoms yes. But I doubt it’s that. In fact my therapist even talks about that stuff with me! I have different parts but mom doesn’t know they exist so idk. I tried to literally tell her how DID is made and she didn’t want to listen. She claims she did almost everything right and I’m making up 7🦚🌺

My trauma. So you would think that she would stay away from assuming such a trauma heavy diagnosis. Welp she actually doesn’t know anything about mental health either way and legit took my brother off his adhd meds years ago because “they changed him too much” and then refused to take him to appointments when we noticed signs of tourette in him because she felt like she fucked up as parent?? Wat?? I can’t make sense of this woman anymore tbh 8🦚🌺

Sorry that this is all over the place, it’s 1am for me rn, I cant sleep really, still am trying to process I won’t see my friend who I was looking forward to seeing this year for 2-3 years and who would have been a temporary escape from this hellhole until at least another year or 2 depending on the situation, being in the top 10 corona countries and in fact second most infected state in germany and really just switching between sliding down to a kid and /or almost passing out 9(?)🦚🌺

almost passing out when trauma responses shut me down and I just can not describe my emotions of the past months other than I just want someone to hug me and to feel safe and to feel like this mess at home and the world isn’t happening. My mind is all over the place and I feel like at this point I’m going insane and I’m not making any sense anymore. Again sorry for the probably stupid rant/,vent that probably made no damn sense idek anymore - final🦚🌺

So much about what I sent in yesterday hoping for the best. 3 hours ago I woke up to a message chain about how we (me and my siblings. We are 6 in total) apparently abuse her and use her. And basically just complaining about the tiniest things regarding chores. For example yesterday I completely cleaned the kitchen and she complained because some dishes stood around since people still ate AFTER I did the chores. Like tf. My friends say it seemed like from the screenshots that she is 1🦚🌺

using us as tools? Idek anymore. She also completely ignored me sending her and asking her stuff about the valounteer year last night since the school rejected me and I need that alternative. Apparently a clean flat is more important than my literal future. On the other hand I for once had a normal conversation with my almost 15yo brother (I’m almost 19, however not mentally and also not in the position to move still especially with the virus and all) and it turned out that he shares 2🦚🌺

Moms views on therapy whivh I’ve mentioned in the past aren’t really the best views on it. So yeah that’s just great. He basically just thinks it’s stupid. Either way. Currently my only way of possibly getting away would be a psychiatric /mental hospital stay. THING IS while I’m bety aware it isnt like in the movies I am deadly afraid of the thought. Not having my freedom to come and go when I please, not being able to meet up with friends or something etc. I would not feel safe and 3🦚🌺

it would just expose me to a lot of stress and anxiety which wouldn’t be any better than being yelled at constantly at home and having mom shit talk my friends. Everything is just kinda a mess with her rn and my siblings don’t see it from my perspective. Like YES we mess up and don’t do things right. She has a reason to be mad. But NO she doesn’t have the tight to essentially abuse us and no her behavior isnt parenting this is manipulation. 4🦚🌺

They only see the first half and think she’s in the right… I myself struggle to differentiate right and wrong and am unable to read situations well, which is why it took me 17-18 years and my friends calling it out to realise this is wrong. But I at least listen… they don’t. I sometimes just wish I grew up in a stable functioning family. Or honestly that she never even had me since she was VERY young when she had me so that’s probably why she never learned how to 5(?)🦚🌺

Act properly towards us. As she had me when she was just my age (18) and then the following 8 years had 4 more of my 5 siblings. I feel she never had time to grow up and learn herself especially considering she was abused herself…. final🦚🌺

Hi 🦚🌺, 

It's good to hear from you again! There's absolutely nothing wrong with messaging us often, so feel free to tag all of your asks that you send in! I think that will actually make it easier on both of us, as you'll be able to find responses easier and I can look back on your previous asks easier to make sure I'm not missing anything or repeating myself :) Also, the search function on tumblr is quite picky, so unfortunately it can be hard to find posts. I've run into the same issue with locating old asks on the blog as well! 

It's understandable that you don't want to bug your friends with your problems, especially if they have some mental health struggles of their own. However, it might help to think of it this way: mental illness is so common that chances are most people you meet will have some sort of struggle with their mental health, which means you wouldn't be able to talk to anyone about your struggles if you don't want to bother someone who struggles with their mental health. That doesn't seem fair to you! While everyone needs to have boundaries, especially to protect their health, I think it's reasonable to share things with your friends when you're struggling. You deserve that support, especially with everything else you have going on in your life! 

It must have been devastating to not get into art school and I'm so sorry that happened! It does sound like volunteering could be a potential route for you to go down, even if it's just until you figure out what you want to do in the future. It makes sense that certain volunteer options can be rolled out based on the nature of the work and the things you struggle with. Perhaps there is something you could do from home that wouldn't trigger your anxiety. For instance, I volunteer for a text-based suicide hotline, which I do from home. I'm not saying you have to do something exactly like this, but it might spark an idea that you or your therapist maybe haven't thought of yet. It's just something to think about. 

What's going on with the drugs in your house is definitely concerning and I think it would be a good idea to bring that up with your therapist. It's really dangerous to have these kinds of drugs around with younger kids being there. Not only is it possible for kids to accidentally get into it and harm themselves, but it's also dangerous for them to be around adults that are high because of their erratic behaviors. This is why I think it would be wise to talk to your therapist about this to see what input she has. 

It's great that your therapist has talked to you about your diagnoses as well as what you don't have that your mom has tried to say you have. I'm sure it's frustrating to have your mom make those accusations, but I think it's good that you at least have your therapist there to reassure you that you don't in fact have those diagnoses. 

It's so disappointing that your friend won't be able to visit as you guys had planned because I know you were really looking forward to that! Unfortunately, coronavirus seems to ne ruining plans for most people all over the world. Hopefully you guys will be able to come up with another plan for meeting up, though it likely won't be able to happen until the pandemic is more under control. Still, at least making tentative plans for meeting in the future may give you both something to look forward to once travel is finally safe again. 

I'm so sorry that your mom treats you and your siblings this way. It does sound like she may use you guys as tools, as your friends put it. This is sometimes another sign of abuse/neglect, which honestly isn't surprising considering all of your mom's other behaviors.

What you mentioned about getting out of the house makes sense and I agree that an inpatient stay might not be the best way to go about it. Not only will that be more restrictive, as you mentioned, but most hospitals won't allow inpatient stays unless the person is incapable of keeping themselves or others safe while receiving outpatient care (though I obviously don't know whether this is the case for you). I still think it's a good idea to keep thinking about potential ways of getting out of your mom's house once you're ready for that. One option I'm wondering about is a group home (I think these may be called something else in other countries but it's basically a house where several adults with varying physical and/or mental illnesses live together and there are usually various types of staff who also stay there). These can sometimes be a bit restrictive, but much less so than a hospital would be. I believe they typically have a curfew, otherwise you're allowed to leave during the day. Although I'm not sure if this would be a viable option for you (and it probably wouldn't be anyway until after the pandemic is more controlled), it's just something that popped into my head when thinking about other ways of eventually getting you away from your mom's abuse.

What you said about your mom's parenting vs. manipulation is 100% accurate. It's very common for someone who was abused by parents to go on to abuse their own children unless they put in the effort to change, but know that you still don't deserve to be abused and manipulated. It's not your fault that your mom was abused and never unlearned the negative behaviors she saw experienced as a child. You and your siblings all deserve so much better than this! 

-Samantha 

#abuse #abusive parent #drugs #drug use #family #🦚🌺 #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #mhasamantha

[sanguinarius-archive]

Hey! Could I get to know some of your headcanons about dickfigures/your designs for them? :D

ya ya sure!!!!

i already have my designs for them up if you havent seen, here they are!

as for headcanons idk how long this post will be so ill just add a read more for anyone who might not wanna scroll thru it all lol

red!!!!!

his real name is rowan bc i thought it was cute, also it means “little red one” which is eVEN BETTER

he’s nonbinary masc and bisexual! the self projection is REAL

he has adhd

most of my headcanons kinda flow into my own version of dick figures because i’m not very Satisfied with canon NJSJDNSKM so like. for example red doesn’t just kill people or whatever. he gets into fights and has scars and wears bandaids a lot bc of them

he graduated college with blue, he got a bachelor’s degree in fine arts (honestly idk how college works bc im a grade 10 baby so if thats like totally wrong just let me know also im. canadian so idk how american school system works LOL)

red got suspended a lot in high school but never expelled. mostly bc he got in fights that were mainly him protecting stacey from shitty people (he sees her as his sister so he was rlly protective) and the school wasnt really sure what else to do so they just. you know. suspended him a bunch of times hoping itd do something but it didnt

he hates his dad! reason being is bc when he was born, his dad was actually an alien able to disguise himself as human, so he wanted to take red back to his home planet cuz red turned out to be more powerful than anything his dad had ever seen. but red’s mom was like Nope, so she snuck out with him and his plush cat (kitty amazing) and they were never found. red is very close with his mom and is scared of his dad coming back someday

we know he canonically likes rlly loud music so im just gonna project here and say he’s a metalhead. at least, some form of it. he likes the alt scene music and industrial rock. examples being deftones, nine inch nails, skinny puppy, rage against the machine, kittie and others. it keeps him focused and calm

bLUE!!!

we know blue was bullied as a kid but i dont wanna say red also bullied him bc i feel like thats just wrong to me? MAYBE ITS NOT ACTUALLY but it just makes me sad so like. lets say red, being as protective as he is, stood up for blue a lot cuz he was like “oh this kid cant fight” so he knew what to do

blue dated pink for awhile but they mutually agreed to break up after blue realized this wasnt what he wanted (he came to the conclusion that he was gay, well, he knew for awhile but it was Internalized Homophobia)

he grew up in a very conservative family so to see the world completely differently by meeting red, ems (lt), pink and stacey was a very good thing for him. unfortunately even tho his family did love him, it was conditional so they stopped talking to him after he came out. thankfully he’d already graduated high school by that point

despite being emotional blue isn’t very good at understanding how he’s an emotional person. he’s able to distinct one feeling from another and analyze them, but it’s just... hard for him to kind of. process WHY he feels a certain way? which is what’s led to a lot of his struggles in getting closer with ppl

he loooves reading and writing we already know this but i mean come on. he also got a bachelor’s degree in english/ela. so he’s able to become a teacher ig but he doesn’t really want to? at least not for awhile yet

blue was ems’ first friend. at first he couldn’t understand why they had tics but decided he shouldn’t get into someone else’s business. he didn’t find it weird, just cool!

he and red would always pair up for projects if they had classes together!!!!!! blue would do the writing/research and red would do the illustrations. they always turned out really good even if it ended with red cramming it at the last minute

surprisingly hates broseph more than red. well i mean its not surprising, because broseph was always a huge DICK to him

blue’s real name is wyatt!!!!! i forget the meaning but i felt the sound of it and the meaning fit him well

piiiiink!!!!!!!!!!

she’s still in college, getting her doctorate to be an astrophysicist!

pink is very very smart and will help anyone who’s struggling with something in school. she was basically the genius who always got in the honor roll every year. but, she actually was really anxious especially with exams

pink encourages stacey to go back to school, and sometimes stacey does, but she always ends up leaving again. it’s a little stressful but pink has hope for her

she’s never drank one sip of alcohol in her entire life. she smoked weed once, but it felt weird so she didn’t do it again

ever since she and blue broke up she’s been very supportive of him bc she herself is bisexual!!! so she sees nothing weird about it. in fact, about almost a year later she started dating stacey

pink’s real name is lily. when she became friends with blue she met red through him and she was like “can i join your nickname thing” and they said “sure” so they called her pink. stacey sometimes calls her pinky or just pink but mostly lily

pink helped red with academics. even tho he was sometimes insufferable to work with (/j thats a Joke i promise she’s a very patient person) she didn’t give up on him!!!! in return he helped her out with some fitness stuff cuz pink was always insecure about gym, and later when she graduated she actually got into exercising bc of red!

she loves travelling and going for walks. she owns a lot of houseplants and she’s given them all names and takes very good care of them! she also owns an albino ball python named Velvet

STACEYYY!!!!!!!

stacey is nOT actually all about sex this time ok. i don’t like that. i mean she did have some personality in canon but it wasn’t much? anyways she just really likes to express herself thru tight/”risque” clothing like fishnets and leather and pleated skirts and thigh-highs and platform boots, all of that. basically she’s a goth girl but doesn’t really “act” like one

she’s really intelligent when it comes to animals and insects and will tell you anything you need to know. when she goes back to college she gets a degree in environmental science

stacey can play the electric and bass guitars!!!! she was in a band back in high school but it never really went anywhere beyond performances at parties in someone’s garage. not that she didn’t like it, looking back on it makes her feel happy, but she wished it continued. probably why she has a hard time going back to college bc she’s not sure what she really wants

stacey is a trans woman btw!!!!! unfortunately it was a little difficult in high school to be who she was bc some kids were jerks, but there were a lot of others who supported her which is good

she views red as her brother as well and they still hang out a lot

i haven’t really had time to focus on stacey and make headcanons and stuff for her so i don’t have a lot but... let’s say, secretly, she’s a scifi nerd. and for the sake of debate, let’s say she’s a marvel fan. if you count being a fan of deadpool as being a fan of marvel

LOVES GIRLS.... loves pink!!!

has very similar music taste to red’s!!!!!

emssss!!!!!!! (lt)

instead of being a stereotype of ppl with tourette’s syndrome, it’s just a normal thing that isn’t focused on a whole lot. it doesn’t make ems swear but if they get really really frustrated they’ll curse while doing one of their tics

ems is agender, i’d say they’re also ageless but i don’t really want to make them too “nonhuman” because i feel like that’s dehumanizing to people with tourette’s. so let’s just say most laws of existence don’t apply to them

they’re very friendly!

they’re an aspiring musician, just like in canon

ems is also big into horror movies believe it or not. they’re pretty critical of them though like most horror movie fans, and only like specific ones (i’m not a horror movie fan myself so i can’t say what Specific Ones they like ajsdhbjn just imagine they have good taste okay)

they r very artsy too and like doing crafts cause it gives them something to focus on. it’s just a hobby though it’s not something they’re Professional at

they love nature and flowers and trees and all kinds of plants and animals!!! they like to document what they see when they travel thru nature and stuff so they bring a camera with them (and their phone, but, you know whatever)

ems was never really affected by things people said to them regarding their syndrome. to them it was something they were born with, so they couldn’t bother to feel bad about themselves. in certain situations theyre able to control it but 90% of the time they don’t care about what ppl think

aaaand there u go!!! as for minor characters like raccoon, jason/trollz0r, broseph, dingleberry, they all exist (raccoon isnt a racist stereotype tho), i just dont focus on them a whole lot. most of my hcs for stacey and ems here were thought up on the spot since i havent had time to lay out all my ideas for them but i hope what i have here is good !!!!

also, red and blue ARE dating, and pink and stacey ARE ALSO dating. gay rights

#asks #dick figures #Anonymous

[uncloseted]

Hey Christina!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I’m hyped. I was wondering if you could do a “50 things about yourself” idk if you’ve done it before but I’d like to know about you cause you’re so cool! 😎 and we love you

Hi!  I haven’t done one before but I’m happy to.  And of course, if there’s anything you guys want to know about me I’m an open book.  This particular “50 Things” tag is old school Tumblr, so it’s sort of random, but hopefully something in there is interesting for you guys.

1. What takes up too much of your time?

Reddit.  I’m an information junkie and most of the stuff on there has very little use in my life, but once in a while I come across a gem and it’s what keeps me scrolling.

2.       What makes your day better?

Iced coffee.  There’s a coffee shop near my house that I really like, and I also bought a bunch of the fancy flavored syrups so I can make it at home.

3.       What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

I’ve been having a pretty chill day so far, but spending the day with my boyfriend has been really nice.

4.       What fictional place would you like to go?

The Night Circus!  It’s one of my secret ambitions in life to actually build it.

5.       Are you good at giving advice?

I sure hope so, otherwise I’m running some of your lives 😂. But seriously, I do my best.1.

6.       Do you have any mental illness?

Let’s say I know my way around a therapist’s office and leave it at that.

7.       Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Yes!  I used to get a combination of sleep paralysis and exploding head syndrome semi-regularly, but that hasn’t happened in years.

8.       What musician inspired you the most?

I don’t know about “inspired” but I think The Velvet Underground had a big hand in shaping who I am.  Also Patti Smith, she’s great.  I highly recommend her book “Just Kids” to all of you.  There’s something about it that feels Skinsy even though on paper they’re nothing alike.

9.       Have you ever fallen in love?

Absolutely.  I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years now and I couldn’t be happier. 

10.   What’s your dream date?

I love driving to a new city and checking out what there is to do there.  I think having a place that you share just with that one person is really romantic. 

11.   What do other people notice about you?

My hair, my clothes, or my “intimidating” face are the ones I hear the most often.

12.  What is the annoying habit you have?

My boyfriend really hates it when I do “active listening” (where you nod or make noises to let people know you’re still paying attention to them).

13.  Do you still talk to your first love?

No, but I hope they’re doing well.

14.  How many ex’s do you have?

6ish would be my guess?  I’d be interested to know if all of those people would say that I’m their ex, though.

15.  How many songs are on your playlist?

I don’t really make playlists, so I guess none.  I’m sorry that’s a super boring answer. 

16.  What instruments can you play?

Piano and bass guitar pretty well and tuba badly (and I can’t actually carry the instrument anymore).  I could play the flute when I was younger but I imagine I can’t anymore.

17.  Who do you have the most pictures of?

My boyfriend, I think.  I have a Polaroid camera and I like taking pictures of him when he’s not paying attention. 

18.  Where would you like to go before you die?

Argentina, Scandinavia, Japan, South Korea, Hong Kong, Russia, Vietnam, South Africa, Morocco, Australia, Antarctica, and the moon.

19.  What is your zodiac?

Libra!  My birthday is coming up on the 17th. 

20.  Do you relate to it?

I do!  And I feel sort of badly about that because I know that zodiac is just the Barnum Effect in action, but the Libra desire for balance, idealism, and love of aesthetics is me. 

21.  What is happiness to you?

Being free of expectations from myself and other people.

22.  Are you going through anything right now?

In my experience, adulthood is just going through different things for the rest of your life, so yes. Pretty much always.  But right now I’m looking for a new job and that’s been a lot.

23.  What is the worst decision you’ve ever made?

How much time do you have?  I did a lot of things in my teenage years that I’m not particularly proud of.

24.  What is your favourite store?

I love really giant department stores like Harrod’s, or covered markets with tons of different random stalls.  I like the idea that you don’t know what you’re going to find.  I also love antique stores for the same reason.

25.  What is your opinion on abortion?

It should be available and accessible to anyone who wants or needs it.  But so should birth control.  And I think it’s important that people understand all of their options before making a decision and are given mental health support if they need it as well. 

26.  Do you have a bucket list?

Not really.  I had basically one thing that I’d always wanted to accomplish and that happened way earlier than I expected, so now I’m trying to figure out what my next thing will be.

27.  Do you have a favourite album at the moment?

Blue Scholar’s Cinematropolis or Belle & Sebastian’s Dear Catastrophe Waitress.  And Velvet Underground’s Loaded, always. 

28.  What do you want for your birthday?

I’m hoping my boyfriend and I will go away for the weekend.  Fingers crossed that our schedules work out!

29.  What are most people’s first impression of you?

I think people find me to be intimidating (when they’re being generous) or mean (when they’re not).  Like I said before, I have a bit of a bitchy face and so I have to make a conscious effort to smile at people.

30.  What age do you seem according to most people?

I’m not sure.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just sort of “in my 20s” and people don’t care what the exact number is.  But in general, I think people assume I am however old they are, so anywhere from like 18-30.

31.  Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

Right next to my bed, which you shouldn’t do.  But I read on my phone before I go to sleep and I use it as an alarm clock, so it ends up on my bedside table.

32.  What word do you say the most?

It’s probably “but”.  I spend a lot of time considering all the possibilities in a given situation so I spend a lot of time being like, “but what about this? But what if that? Things could be this way, but on the other hand they’re like that”.  I don’t think I really have a catchphrase, though.

33.  What’s the oldest age you would date?

Thirty, probably?  I feel like anyone older than that is probably in a different stage of their life than I am.

34.  What’s the youngest age you would date?

Twenty three or so?  They would have to be out of college.

35.  What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Other than the job I do now, I get a lot of people saying that I should be an art curator or a museum curator.  And I get people telling me I should be a therapist, obviously.

36.  What’s your favourite music genre?

Like most people I like your general pop/rock situation.  I really like baroque pop, which is pop music but that includes orchestral instruments.  And then I also love electroswing, I think it’s such a fun blend of genres.

37.  If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

Either the Netherlands or Denmark.  But I would also like to spend some time in France and more time in Italy, where I did study abroad.  I also really love the UK, but given the current political situation I’m not sure I’ll be moving there any time soon, especially since I’d need a visa.

38.  What is your current favourite song?

I don’t know if I really have one.  I do enjoy when I hear Billie Eilish’s “Bad Guy” on the radio, though, does that count?

39.  How long have you had this blog for?

Since October, 2013!  I’m coming up on my six year anniversary.  I think I have something like 30,000 posts.

40.  What are you excited for?

The future! I think no matter how the present seems, the future is always an exciting prospect. 

41.  Are you a better talker or listener?

I think this might surprise some people, but I think I’m a better talker than listener.

42.  What is the last productive thing you did?

The last really productive thing I did was to film a pitch video for a project I’m working on, but the most recent is doing some work for this blog.

43.  What do you want for Christmas?

The impeachment of Donald Trump? Can Santa do that?  I would also take “people taking climate crisis seriously”.

44.  What class do you get the best grades in?

In high school, philosophy/religion and psychology. At university I did very well in “Iconic Figures of Popular Music: Simon and Garfunkel”.

45.  On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling?

Around a 7.  I need to get dressed and leave the house, but I don’t have anywhere in particular I need to be so I’ve been putting it off.

46.  What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

I’d like to be living in a different country than the one I do now with my boyfriend.  I’d like to be self employed or remotely employed, so that I have flexibility in when and where I do work.  I want to be doing something where I’m bettering other people’s lives or the world at large. But mostly what I’d like to be doing is traveling and learning.  But really my priority is that by that time, I want to be content with myself.  I think what you’re doing and where you’re doing it is so much less important than how you feel while doing it, and in 10 years I hope I can say that I’m living a happy and worthwhile life, whatever that ends up being.

47.  When did you get your first heart broken?

I think I was 14.  What I’ll say about it is this- in the moment it mattered so, so much to me.  My parents were the first person that each other dated and I assumed that was how all relationships worked, so when that wasn’t how this one worked out, I was devastated.  But now I barely remember that person, and  I live with someone else who’s completely different and totally awesome and I couldn’t be happier.  I know it sounds like a lie but with time and perspective all wounds can heal.

48.  At what age do you want to get married?

I didn’t think I wanted to get married at all.  I don’t like the idea of having a big wedding where you’re the center of attention and everyone is starting at you.  But in the long run being legally married is practical, so my boyfriend and I will probably do it at some point when we feel like it makes logistic sense.

49.  What career did you want to have as a child?

I wanted to be an Imagineer at Disney.  They’re the people who design the theme parks.  I also wanted to be the president of the moon.

50.  What do you crave right now?

Excitement!  Nothing is going on in my day right now and I’m starting to get bored.  I have a very low tolerance for boredom so days like this really get to me.

[feralhogs]

1-100 TELL ME ALL

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. What is you middle name?

Jesse

2. How old are you?

22

3. When is your birthday?

dec 9

4. What is your zodiac sign?

sagittarius

5. What is your favorite color?

purples

6. What’s your lucky number?

9

7. Do you have any pets?

no

8. Where are you from?

bc canada. my great grandparents are from russia

9. How tall are you?

5 something

10. What shoe size are you?

7?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

3 that i actually use

12. What was your last dream about?

i dont remember my most recent one but i had a banger of a dream i described in another post

13. What talents do you have?

i think expressing myself, or music, i have some talent that needs discipline

14. Are you psychic in any way?

well i am a spiritual person, in a way. and growing up in a toxic drama filled family, i have Developed the Skill of guessing how people are feeling and what they are gonna do. and i analyze dreams. so not psychic but i am really interested and intuitive whats goin on in there

15. Favorite song?

for some reason https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oilVq8-F4_Q colours by roosevelt ive been obsessed with lately i just loop that shit. loop loop loop. blaringit into my ears and speedwalking down thestreet. the beat.!!!! i feel like I  took all the colours

16. Favorite movie?

spiderverse. i really enjoyed always be my maybe.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who doesnt make me feel like im Too Much

18. Do you want children?

not RIGHT NOW

19. Do you want a church wedding?

i have no idea actually. id want a special wedding definitely.

20. Are you religious?

yes, i honestly feel like i just come like this, i dont go by any books and i dont want to be associated with christians. if i be too religious i start getting the Bad Feelings

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yes visiting sick relatives. and one in a psyche ward.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

i got a parking ticket

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

no. maybe i did and i had no idea who they were because id never heard of them

24. Baths or showers?

showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

alien socks that are green and black

26. Have you ever been famous?

no. what does that even mean !!!!

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

yes because money but noooooo. its hard when one person definitely doesnt like me. if im famous some people just wont like me and theres going to be more of them

28. What type of music do you like?

stuff with electric guitars in it. funk. bops. i cant get enough lately

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

no

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one. and sometimes NONE. i dont fucking know why its just more comfortable. id lie down on a floor and pass out

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

i usually cant fall asleep unless im on my face with my arms tucked under me for warmpth and general log shape. after that though its chaos. dreamin

32. How big is your house?

BIG!!!!!! so many rooms. so many people. 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

on a Functional day, cereal. not because its my favourite thing but it doesnt require a lot of attention and its easiest to tolerate. my appetite is just. like this

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

HELL no.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

in my child days i shot my hair elastics around and pretended i was fighting aliens. this is definitely archery.

36. Favorite clean word?

i dont really think about words like that. pizza is a nice word.

37. Favorite swear word?

bitch. its really fun to say.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

not all that long. if i was up the entire night i am usually sleeping in midday no matter where i am. ive disappointed many teachers. its called not caring.

39. Do you have any scars?

yes, but theres no dramatic stories to them, just me not leaving scratches and bites alone as a kid. they look kind of cool though. and theyre so mysterious. youd think id have scars from self harm but no.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

i believe so...

41. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i am 100% like morally committed to lying.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

NO. my thought process is: its rude to assume someone is going to behave badly, and they will be offended and have hurt feelings if you anticipate that. i have to like. treat everyone with exactly the same respect unless theyre a dick. otherwise its being judgmental. and it ends up as naïveté. but im okay with that . the price of being a good person

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

i could do a british one once i guess LOL and it looks like now ive Absorbed a mexican accent but i never really try to talk in other accents

44. Do you have a strong accent?

i dont know how to answer this

45. What is your favorite accent?

idk i like new things i havent heard before. and thinking about how other languages work. theres a lot of different accents at my work and i honestly enjoy listening to them

46. What is your personality type?

that.... INFJ. see. psychic

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

one of the gay jackets

48. Can you curl your tongue?

dont think so

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

left

51. Are you scared of spiders?

depends. i had these big house spiders in my dungeon at my parents house, and id just be “hi” and set them free. but if i see one where im not expecting it i might yell a lot and tell everyone and run around and then set it free

52. Favorite food?

tacos from my old work. i was indeed. screaming, lost in the sauce. i waited until i was away from the restaurant because i knew all my dignity would vanish

53. Favorite foreign food?

idk... i need to eat more curry. i need more curryin my life. bring it on.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

clean

55. Most used phrased?

“this slaps” i feel like ive been saying that a lot

56. Most used word?

I

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

a whole entire fucking hour (when i wake up) otherwise 5min

58. Do you have much of an ego?

i do, but i hide it. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

chomp chomp. i am not a patient man.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

yes, when i know no ones around, or when im not worried about seeming like a crazy person at work

61. Do you sing to yourself?

nah

62. Are you a good singer?

no. i can sing and it sound okay.  nice even. but good??? like beautiful?????? no.

63. Biggest Fear?

someone dying, natural disaster, new illness

64. Are you a gossip?

maybe. i feel like i have the Tendencies and then im like “am i being a bad person right now”. i want to know the deets though.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

i Simply Dont Have the Attention for Those

66. Do you like long or short hair?

BOTH . long hair is more fun to draw. short hair is hot

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

fuck no. why would i. fuck off. i dont care about your states.

68. Favorite school subject?

ART ART AR T

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introerverte

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no

71. What makes you nervous?

people who are not Definitely Cheerful

72. Are you scared of the dark?

no. unless i think about things to scare myself on purpose

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

no unless they need to know. because im not a fucking ANIMAL

74. Are you ticklish?

depends. i can be not ticklish if im determined.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

i dont think so... i started a rumor i was from mars

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

maybe i was supposed to train some girls and then i probably didnt do a great job and they didnt listen. they say my job now is somewhat authority and im like...... ok...... 

77. Have you ever drank underage?

no

78. Have you ever done drugs?

no

79. Who was your first real crush?

someone whos OUTTA MY LIFE

80. How many piercings do you have?

two? i got them pierecd at claires lmao and i didnt get an infection because im  so salty. then i took them out because they were from claries

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

hell yes

82. How fast can you type?

so fucking fast. faster than my work finder helper. im fast im very fast

83. How fast can you run?

IM VERY FAST

84. What color is your hair?

orange

85. What color is your eyes?

green

86. What are you allergic to?

im still trying to figure that out. whatever it is gives me hives

87. Do you keep a journal?

yes. so i can get better at handwriting and just talking in general and hear what my voice sounds like. and to have a space away from other peoples needs and pressures

88. What do your parents do?

my mom is a stay at home mom and my dad shoots pop bottles into the sky

89. Do you like your age?

sure

90. What makes you angry?

everything. cabbage. i swore about cabbage for a long time the other day. i am just full of anger. 

91. Do you like your own name?

YES. i mean i chose it i better. honestly my first name ......... i feel self conscious about it sometimes. i think it was the only name for me though. it wasnt the ideal most wonderful namei could find because those didnt fit, it was MY name.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

im going to have two sons and im naming them brick and rusty.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

yeah, i want a boy a girl

94. What are you strengths?

my strengths doing all 100 questions, this is serious muscles

95. What are your weaknesses?

the exhaustion of jumping from one question to the next especially when they are vague. im not complaining this was my idea

96. How did you get your name?

i pfound it in the baby name book and i was lie  “hey yyy, i saw that name in black beauty, lets use it for my gay coded villain what the hell!”

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

no but i did have some ancestors who lives i a mansions andhad fucking SERVANTS. before you call me problematic my other part of family was like sewing things and not going to school 

98. Do you have any scars?

weve been over this. when im older im going to get a cool scar fighting a dragon

99. Color of your bedspread?

pink, white, blue

100. Color of your room?

white

#chatty tag #WHEW

[sophygurl]

Dirty Dancing

I had a hankering to watch one of my old favorites today - one I’ve seen hundreds of times and that’s not an exaggeration. I probably watched it one hundred times alone the first summer it was on HBO and I recorded it - I’m guessing 1988 since it came out in 87?

Anyway - the short version of this post is simply that I’m pretty sure Dirty Dancing is a big part of my bisexuality and polyamorousness like. I’m sorry but Baby falls for Penny as much as Johnny and you can’t convince me otherwise and they would make an excellent throuple. And my little hetnormative-trained 13 year old brain didn’t KNOW that was a big draw of the movie for me but it was because the scenes between the three of them were my favorites - especially the dance training montage scenes where they’re all dancing together oh my HEART. But also just like you see so clearly how Baby is crushing on them both so much in those beginning stages and SOMETHING ABOUT THAT SPOKE TO MY LIL TEENAGE HEART OKAY?

So but the longer version is that I still love every single bit of this damned movie (2 minor exceptions - when Baby says “I’m not proud of myself” in her emotional monologue to her dad? I’d take that out. And also I wish the mom had just a smidge more agency but I also get that the lack of agency for the women was a big part of the story- hence these only being slight exceptions).

But okay yes. The movie? Is hella fun with a kicking soundtrack and amazing dancing and acting and Grey and Swayze have chemistry coming out of their whazoodles and I’d throw Rhodes in there too and all of that is fun and sexy and romantic and nostalgic (now for TWO decades since it kinda melds 60′s and 80′s stuff together in some ways).

You know what else though? It’s also just an amazing movie with incredible peeks into the sexism and classism of the era, and especially the intersection of the two. It explores both upper and lower class women’s roles and how both lower class men and women were treated. Swayze’s Johnny Castle is treated like a sexual object and expected to have sex with the upper class women who are being neglected by their husbands (interesting to note that the entertainment staff was forbidden to socialize with the daughters but expected to sex up the older ladies and the more educated upper class staff were expected to romance but not have sex with the daughters of the guests). 

Then there’s Penny and the whole pregnancy/abortion storyline and how Robbie treats both her and Baby’s sister Lisa - spoiler alert he treats them both horribly but in different ways. The mom has almost no agency. Baby thinks she has it, but you can clearly see the difference between when she’s with her family or with fellow upper class Neil and when she’s with Johnny and Penny and Billy - she blossoms into this whole new wonderful person with new insights and opinions about the world because she’s finally seeing outside of the bubble of her family and class. 

The movie does entirely ignore race issues, which is unfortunate. But I’m also guessing that is partly due to the setting - the vacationers would all have been upper class white folk and it seems most of the staff would have been as well. The band leader is a black man, but I think that’s it? IDK if that would have been indicative of the times or not, but it seems like the movie could have figured race into things if it had wanted to. The only other way it’s mentioned is when Neil says when the summer ends, he’s going to join the freedom riders. He seems to say this in order to impress Baby, who has shown she is concerned about social justice issues. And it comes off as a sort of privileged ally-cookie-quest. If Neil’s character did care about civil rights, it was not reflected in the way he treated the lower class staff at his uncle’s resort. 

Despite this lack, however, the movie does a pretty decent job looking at this intersection of gender and class. The way Baby was raised to believe she could change the world, and that this meant she should care about everyone regardless of things like race and class - but then quickly learned that her family (particularly her father) meant she should do these things in a more dignified and distanced way. They sort of humor her ideas of joining the peace corp and studying the economics of undeveloped countries - but the idea of befriending the entertainment staff at the resort is *gasp* Scandal!! 

But because Baby believed in those ideals she was raised with, and hadn’t yet learned the reality of what her parents expected of her - she plows right in and befriends these people whose dancing skill she so admires. She falls in love with dance, and with the people themselves (*ahem* Johnny AND Penny here) and with their easy way of being with one another. 

She rushes in to help wherever and whenever she can, but is still ashamed of her association and hides it from her family. This new world she’s discovered is a sort of guilty secret, and especially so once her relationship with Johnny becomes sexual in nature (AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH AGENCY SHE HAD IN THAT FIRST SEX SCENE LIKE SHE IS JUST GOING ON ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT HE IS TO HER, STARTS TO DANCE WITH HIM, GRABS HIS ASS, AND IS JUST LIKE - YEA BABY LET’S GO!).

So okay, she’s having teh sex and doing teh dance and making teh friends - but it’s still a secret because her family would find it shameful. Does this stop her when she finds out that Johnny is about to be blamed and fired for the theft? SHIT NO it does not! She jumps in to tell the whole world (well okay her family and the Kellerman’s and some other folks in the dining room at the time) that she slept with him that night so he couldn’t have stolen the wallet so THERE! 

And of course he gets fired anyway (I guess for defiling a rich girl? Blech.) but like. When he comes to find her and is all “nobody has ever stood up for me like that! ever!” - I die a little inside because this poor guy has been so beaten down that he doesn’t think he’s good for anything when what WE know about him is that he 1) totally stands by and protects his female bff (possible triad member???? shhh sophy we’re doing a thing here) no matter what and 2) he loves Baby so much because he sees all this good in her and he doesn’t think he deserves her but he is so proud of her and UGH 3) he stops taking the rich guy’s money to sex up his wife because Baby had finally convinced him he was better than that and 4) he works super hard all the time just to make ends meet but would Still have given Penny all his money to help her out and 5) GDI NEIL HE DOESN’T WANNA DO THE PACACHANGA!

All of this culminates when he comes back in and is all “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!” - which is such an epic and cool line but is also super cheesy and a bit nonsensical??? But what he means, really, is that in that moment he sees this woman that he loves sitting quietly in the corner with her parents who are suppressing this passionate and compassionate side of her (well mostly her dad her poor mom doesn’t wtf is going on) and he knows - okay - Johnny Castle KNOWS that Fances Baby Houseman is a fucking STAR okay and he is going to show the whole world (well all of the Kellerman guests and staff anyway) what she can do! PHEW.

So like. Yea, the movie is fun as shit for a lot of reasons. But it’s also so real and vital and important for more reasons than just this one gal’s bisexual/poly pre-awakening (it took another 5-10 years to fully get it - this was the 80′s/90′s in Wisconsin alright we didn’t have the internet back then to explain our sexualities to us!)

I don’t have a nice concluding thesis for this rambly meta except to say that I hope you enjoyed it and also I once again scared the crap out of my cats by singing and dancing a lot - they think singing means I’m sad and lonely so they come to comfort me because they call out and howl when they’re sad and lonely. They are so lovely to come and comfort me but the dancing and singing combo really freaks them out like what are you Doing lady - lady we’re scared - what’s happening? Are you ill??? Should we ... how do .. do cats call 911??? 

#dirty dancing #dirty dancing meta #frances houseman #johnny castle #penny johnson #bisexuality #polyamory #poly ships #intersectionality #i just love this movie a whole lot for a whole lot of reasons #why do i not have this on dvd #wtf #my birthday is in 5 months #just fyi #no real reason

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

#Trans #nonbinary #nb #genderqueer #gender questioning #transmed #pls help me lmao I hate my brain sm #also im so sorry if this post is scuffed af #im on mobile #its 4 am I cba