#sometimes things happen without my conscious knowledge of it

[ashfdhfgdsfk]

graham

#my art #scritches #will graham #bb girl #hannibal #q #i like to imagine hes a) fallen asleep sitting upright b) about to unleash the puppy eyes c) hes idk. looking at blood on the ground #hannibal nbc #nbc hannibal #hey this ones appropriately too dark and murky to see anything just like the show...... definitely an on purpose artistic choice i made #i really dont know why i made it so dark #sometimes things happen without my conscious knowledge of it #... #anyways #art !! #for whoever sees #a little crumbly graham cracker for the dash #editing to say that i do not enjoy drawing will grahams hair #editing again to say that thats kind of a lie the swishy swooshies are fun #but also. awful #i got rlly lazy abt it dont look too closely #on another note i liked drawing his little scruffy beard #aldso #im tryin out dif head positions for mr will to get ready for hannigram arts :-) #hence this practice thing #so mya #eggciting

[altergibralter]

Moon Knight Fanfiction from the POV of Someone with DID

I don’t know how many people that write or read Moon Knight fics will see this, but I wanted to both vent and try to maybe get some tips out there about the things people are misunderstanding about DID.

I recently binged the show in preparation for the last episode coming out soon. I have fully seen the first 4 episodes and I’ve been told what happens in the 5th. The way the group works is, if I think a piece of media may be triggering in some way, but I want to see it, I let Mitchell know to watch, if he has a chance, the next time he’s fronting, and tell me if he thinks I can handle it. Sometimes Norah will do that instead of Mitchell if he doesn’t want to I guess. So, Norah actually watched the whole thing. I trust her judgement, and she said I could watch episodes 1-4, but that I should just let her summarize episode 5. Based on her summery, I don’t think I ever would have finished that episode without switching anyway. I also haven’t read the comics myself. We have some of the comics downloaded on our kindle, and they’ve been read, and while I assume Norah is the one who’s been reading them, she hasn’t said and I haven’t asked.

All that to say, I have been reading fanfiction about the show only, and I may have some blind spots on what has and hasn’t been demonstrated in the show.

The show, in my opinion, while definitely not perfect, does a pretty good job representing DID. I was very excited to find out that apparently the characters with DID are culturally Jewish and autistic as well, because I am too! That’s a lot a representation I can relate to. There are things that they do that seems a little off, but over all, I think it’s pretty good. Maybe I will review it more in depth after it’s all out.

Now, on to things I want to explain to fanfiction writers. I made a list.

1. If the body is unconscious, all alters are going to be unaware of whats going on outside of it. I’ve seen in fics where Marc, who’s in control of the body, will be knocked fully unconscious, and Steven will somehow be able to tell Marc what happened after he wakes up. What?! How?! You already have Khonshu to use for stuff like that. Say Khonshu told him if he needs to know.

2. Marc and Steven don’t require mirrors to talk to each other. We see in the first episode that Marc can say things to Steven without a mirror around. The show uses mirrors because it’s easiest for an audience to distinguish between the characters, and understand they are two different people if they physically show them both. There are fics that have them unable to talk to each other unless a reflective surface is around them. If you want them to not be able to talk to each other in the moment, just say they aren’t co-conscious.

3. They are not always co-conscious. The show has them frequently shown as being co-conscious or co-fronting, but they aren’t always. If they have DID, not OSDD, then they aren’t always going to know what the other has been up to. This, I will say, the show is not great at getting across, at least with Marc. He comes across like he knows everything about Steven and everything Steven has ever done. However, even with Marc, he doesn’t have the knowledge that Steven does about Egypt. Yet still, there are fics where Steven can’t keep secrets from Marc, because he will just know, when that is just not true. If you want to say Khonshu ratted him out to Marc, use that.

4. While sometimes you can have an out-of-body experience while being co-conscious but not in control of the body, you are not going to notice things that the body wouldn’t notice. You’re not a ghost roaming around the room. So Steven would not be able to tell what someone had hidden behind their backs to warn Marc about it, unless Marc could tell. I literally saw a fic where Steven told Marc what cards someone else had while playing poker. Not because Steven can count cards, but because he could look and see them. No. Not possible. Again, use Khonshu for that.

5. If Steven is autistic, Marc is too. Most people seem to understand this one, but some don’t. So for the people who don’t, if one alter has something like autism or ADHD, all alters will have it. Some may manage it better than others, but they all have it. I don’t want to read another fic where Marc explains to someone that Steven specifically is autistic. He can specifically be vegan, but he can’t specifically be autistic.

6. Television shows need characters to say their thoughts out loud because visually it’s better. So I don’t blame the show for showing Marc and Steven discuss things aloud, but they don’t have to. There are many fics where, whichever one is not in control of the body, will say something, and the other will not want to or be able to reply because they would be speaking out loud, and that would be bad/awkward. That’s not an issue in real life. I think some systems may prefer to reply out loud, but I don’t think any are unable to just reply by thinking.

That’s my list. It’s not long. I haven’t read a whole lot of fanfic yet, so I don’t know if those are even the biggest issues out there. I just wanted to kind of vent about the stuff I had seen.

DID isn’t magical. Yet some people write it like it is. Which for this show, is even more ridiculous to me, when Khonshu could be used as a magical all knowing outside presence. 

No hate to anyone. I respect fic writers for putting stuff out there. A lot of it, even with these mistakes, is still good. I just wish people would do a little research about things they haven’t experienced before.

#moon knight #fanfic #dissociative identity disorder #actuallydid #did #marc spector #steven grant #khonshu #fanfiction #andi

[divinekangaroo]

Thanks @palmviolet for tagging me!

How many works do you have on AO3? 154

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 900k

3. What fandoms do you write for? Peaky Blinders, Final Fantasy XII, Final Fantasy VII, Dragon Age II, The Professionals.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? Interesting and not straightforward question: I've been writing since 2007 and only rebooted my fics to AO3 in 2023. I backdated them to time of writing rather than posting live into the current update stream. I was vaguely curious to see what *actually* attracts readers through the AO3 search engine. So, my current top five are all Peaky Blinders Tommy/Lizzie fics, and given my small followers list, everyone following me will probably already have read them!

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I do, and it’s my vain (both senses of the term) struggle with how to do it appropriately. I am conscious of how comments, particularly on an AO3 "archival" fic, can weight a reader's further interpretation/engagement of or with fic by that author, and that I'll never put so much time into comments as I do into fic.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? 7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? The fics I thought of picking for these two pretty much overlapped. Perhaps this shows just how I approach happiness – it’s moments, it’s never an ending.

8. Do you get hate on fics? Only old Dragon Age fics. Interesting period of time where any fic author that didn't unequivocally support the moral rightness of one particular character's opinions was targeted. Like: ok to write torture/rape fics of this character, but only if it was clear the author thought this character was morally right. Such a destructive troll.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I'll write sex, mostly as part of a larger arc rather than standalone smut; often it is a partial scenario rather than linear start-to-end event written in a rhythm to support a coherent wanking rise-to-climax read. I'm pleased if people find it pushes their buttons, but I'm also not bothered if it doesn't. I do approach smut as one of many possible lenses or frames for a character, however, so smut that detaches from character confuses me.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? Sometimes but they have to feel really right. I think I tend more to fusion or pastiche (I think those are the terms?) rather than crossover: I take a particular character concept/theme and port them into a particular environmental context which is not possible in the canon to see what happens. The only one I still have up is a FFXII/Dragonriders of Pern fic (incomplete) which was going to be all about the horrible knowledge of socially accepted and endorsed ritualised rape and forced feminisation of a character.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? I'm not that popular to notice.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? I have a memory of one in FFXII but can't recall.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes! Taught me a lot, including the kind of writer I am - difficult to collaborate as my push to complete within a motivational urge period will always be greater than a long-haul effort, and I struggle to be available for other people. I’m either good at the front end ideas-generation, or a micro detail ‘write this particular thing/scene and fill it with goodness’, and not very good at the middle bit – the long slot of planning and plotting and aiming for consistency etc. I am so grateful fandom exists to support non-traditional prose formats which let me play with writing and thinking and engagement without needing to produce to book-style production standards.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship? I usually fixate on a character, and pairings allow means to explore that character rather than being an end game.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Oh they all carry this potential. *cries* The issue for me is loss of motivational drive/thinking; because I rarely have good structural notes etc if I lose my immediate thread of 'thinking of everything all at once' I find it hard to pick up again later. I also stop some fics because I realise how ambitious the scope really is, and I feel like I can’t do them justice.

16. What are your writing strengths? Speed-sketcher? Completionist? Tests multiple ideas rapidly and freely and never worries about something 'being wrong' because there's always another fic to try? Intuitive gut level hits on characterisation here and there?

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Editing, pacing, I can't sustain long fic, I frequently move characters around like paper dolls for the sake of the cool and forget they need their own internal motivation.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I prefer the kind of cant-based/dialect-based approach which splices non-English terms fluidly into English dialogue, mostly because as a child of many migrants this has been my world experience. I do suck at writing this, hence my frequent use of cop-outs to say 'language shift here, meanwhile still writing in English'. But when it’s done well it hits so many of my sweet spots.

19. First fandom you wrote for? FFVII.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written? Anything in my Personal Favourites list: https://archiveofourown.org/series/3728710. (I'm still too close to Peaky Blinders to pick a fav, it'll take about five years of distance!)

#my writing

[flowerandblood]

Make your mutuals smile 💐

Write what you love about them and why, or just praise them, share your favorite memories or chats. In the times when everyone get so much underserved hate from anons let's spread some warm feelings.

@ewanmitchellcrumbs - Ange, you're the most warm, understanding, caring person I know here. I know that sometimes you feel like your mutuals don't give in return as much as they could and you're right, but know how much you're appreciated. You're not only talented writer that can write almost EVERTYHING but your knowledge about Ewan and fandom is soooo big, I love to read your answers to asks! You feed this fandom so well, without you it wouldn't be the same.

@zenka69 - You're with me from the very beginning, supportive and caring, my sweet polish friend! Thanks to you I wanted to write more of the "My Best Friend" and well, I wrote so many fics from then on and you're still with me!!!

@sagelovesreading - My sweet friend, our talks on priv warms my heart as much as your comments. I love to talk to you, you're so sweet, gentle person, I love how emotionally you're approaching my works, and I'm so happy that you have to courage to write to me!!!!

@valeskafics - You're so sweet, self conscious person, so talented and funny, I love you with all my heart! Love to read your fics and your answers, you're hilarious but so supportive too, your reblogs makes my heart melt and I always wait for them!

@barbieaemond - You're so fuckin talented, your gifs are just chef's kiss, but your Red Bird is soooo good already! I know that you get couple of mean anons but fuck them, I love how you wirite Aemond, I love that you decide to write OC and not normal "reader" even if people prefer the second more because it feels like YOUR story and I want to read it even more because of that.

@targaryenrealnessdarling - I would have to write an essay about how talented you are, literally everything you write makes me feral, you're so kind, so good, so funny, you writes your characters so well and don't afraid to show really dark Aemond even when some of people would be whining about it.

@asumofwords - We don't know each other at all but well I LOVE YOU OKAY you're the best writer here, I read everything you update and it's always SO GOOD, you write your characters, scenes and emotions so well, you are so funny and bitchy, don't give a shit about weird or mean asks, I want to be like you!!!

@echos-muses - Echo I loveee youuuu, I love your reblogs and comments, often makes me laugh so hard, love our chats in reblogs on more mature topics too, so good to have here person like you too.

@happinessinthebeing - Your comments and ask makes my heart melt, you're so sweet and caring, love to talk to you and read all you're writing to me, I would hug you if I could!!!!

@oneeyedvisenya - I'm so grateful that I found your fics and then saw that you had reblogged some of my works. Literally it was one of the happiest things that happened to me here because I love your works so much and it meant so much to me! Waiting for your new works!!!!

@theoneeyedprince - Justine, my fellow polish girl, I love you so much and our little talks, I love how we are supportive to each other! This is so great to have here someone from my own country how writes so we'll, I would love some new modern series from you, hihi.

@aemondx - I love your gifs so much and I'm so happy that you liked my HP series! Makes my blush ughhhh!!! So talented!!!!

@notnormalthings-blog - I love you and your reblogs so much, you make me laugh so hard, I just can't, always waiting for your reactions and gifs!!!!

@persephonelovesbooks - I love you so much, you're with me from the earliest times of my writing, always so supportive, ugh, I can't say how much I enjoy interacting with you!

@aemondsmoon - You make me so happy with your reblogs and reactions, you're so sweet and kind, just ughhh, I hope that after my return to Poland I will have a time to read some of your fics!!!!!!!

I would write like that for on and one, but here so honorable mentions of people I just love for they comments, reactions, support. You make my day better guys! I'm sorry if I didn't mention someone, I love all you people, interacting or not!!!

@melsunshine @immyowndefender @bellaisasleep @ammo23 @chainsawsangel @letmeloveyouuuu @hiatuswhore

You don have to reblog or tag anyone, just I want you to let you know that I love you guys! You can share it and reblogs if you want of course, kisses! 💋💋💋

#tag game #tag games #mutuals 💐

[thefandomenchantress]

Headcanons About Ace and His Siblings!

I have…a surprising amount of these? So I figured I’d share them.

-I think he’d probably be third or fourth oldest in the sibling line-up.

-He’d probably be the ‘bad cop’ of the older siblings, being the strict one who stops the youngest (and sometimes his older siblings) from doing dangerous things…and not-so-dangerous things that he deems are too dangerous, due to his fear of pretty much everything. Since he overreacts a lot, this can lead to his siblings not taking his warnings seriously when they actually should for once, and later results in Ace telling them variations of ‘I told you so’ while patching them up.

-Despite the strictness mentioned above, thanks to his dumbass tendencies he’s also very easy to trick into letting his siblings do things they shouldn’t do, ironically enough.

-Ace always made an effort to not swear when any of his younger siblings were around (the struggle was real). Until one day his 8-year-old sister told him that he could swear around her, because older kids at school swore all the time and so she knew all of the swear words already. Without even asking to hear any proof of her supposed knowledge of all swear words, he believed her and accidentally taught her almost every swear word in existence. His older siblings were…unhappy with him, to say the least.

-Ace is a very light sleeper, so if one of his siblings tries to sneak out of the house, you can guarantee he knows. Much like how he didn’t tell anyone about David’s secret until he himself was being targeted with suspicion, he usually won’t snitch unless he is somehow negatively effected. This is also the case for basically everything rebellious his siblings do, (unless he thinks they’ll hurt themselves, then suddenly he’s all on their case about it).

-Ace takes copious amounts of time to get his hair just right every morning before school, so for all his siblings it’s basically a race to get to the bathroom before he does, because once he’s in there he’ll hog the bathroom for three times as long as any of them.

-One of his little sisters watched My Little Pony constantly and he hated it (read: was very scared of it because horses). Eventually prolonged exposure to the show made him get used to watching it, which makes it one of the few fears he’s managed to overcome.

-It was well-known Ace had a severe fear of thunderstorms in the Markey household, so sometimes when thunderstorms would happen at night, one of his younger siblings would claim they were scared and wanted to sleep by him, just because they knew the company comforted him.

-Since we know he has siblings but we don’t technically know what age any of his siblings are…I’m very compelled to headcanon that he has a tomboyish female twin. I think that would be cool.

-His older brother thought it was hilarious to constantly hide and then jump out and scare Ace, which led to Ace having intense paranoia whenever he walked around corners, opened closets, etc. whenever he was at home.

-Most of his siblings are on the taller side, which infuriates Ace to no end. He swears he’ll grow taller than his older sister one day, but he won’t. All his older siblings poke fun at his height, which unintentionally caused him to be extremely self conscious about it.

-Unless Ace’s parents are exetremely rich, I doubt they bought a house with eleven bedrooms, so Ace probably shared a room with at least one sibling. I think he’d sleep in a bunk bed, specifically the bottom bunk because he’s worried he’ll roll over in his sleep, fall off the bed, and get hurt if sleeps in the top one.

-His brother, who slept in the top bunk, snored really loud and Ace eventually got used to it being really loud as he fell asleep, so now that he’s in the killing game with his own room and no loud background noise, he’s finding falling asleep to be a bit harder.

-Lots of Ace’s clothes were hand-me-down from older siblings and were really baggy and ill-fitting for him, which is why he likes sporty clothing a lot. It’s more tight-fitting and since none of his older brothers got too into sports and therefore never bought sporty clothes, he got to buy his own clothes that were actually his size.

-Ace knows how to braid hair, since he had to braid his sisters’ hair a lot before school, and so now he knows a bunch of convoluted braiding techniques. He also has very basic sowing skills from having to patch up his younger siblings’ stuffed animals from time to time.

I might edit this post or reblog it later to add more, but that’s all I’ve got for now! Hope this was fun read!

#danganronpa despair time #drdt #ace markey #is ace having nine siblings a spoiler?? eh probably not since it wasn’t even revealed in the actual youtube videos

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

First of all, no worries lol. It's taken me literal months to respond to people sometimes, and not for any good reason so I'd say you're fine.

Anyways, with that out of the way let me just say I find that interesting. Kiri, to me, has always come off as someone who attaches herself to one place. In my experience, there's a difference between being able to adapt/connect anywhere you go and truly being a traveler at heart, and Kiri strikes me as the former. She yearns to dig deeper into her knowledge and connections regarding her home and thrives on the familiarity of the people, plants, and animals around her whereas I feel like Lo'ak needs to travel, needs to get out from under his father and brother's shadows. To just exist and be himself, find himself and his place without all of the history surrounding his birthplace. That's not to say I think Kiri doesn't like experiencing new things, I just see her as a very nostalgic and sentimental person who finds peace in the plants and animals and people she's known her whole life.

Ikr! I don't know why I haven't seen a single fic about it yet, but rest assured I have a doc opened rn (I feel like my wip list is just getting longer and longer dude). Little fun fact about me: I took horseback riding lessons for a good 5.5 years and so I'll be leaning heavily on those experiences for how Spider approaches his own riding experiences as a human (with obvious differences). There's something to be said for the feeling of a creature so much more powerful than yourself under you, having to be conscious of its every move, every action---the flick of its ears, the position of its head, etc.---- without being able to know for sure it's true thoughts or emotions but trusting it anyways that brings you closer to it in a way I can't explain, even with the ones you don't get along with. And I want that for Spider, I want him to embrace his humanity in this.

He doesn't end up in Awa'atlu at first for the ilu racing one, no. I've got a good idea what I want from this fic in the beginning, but what happens after he escapes is something I'm still pondering. I know for a fact I wouldn't want this to be a story where he stumbles upon Awa'atlu, though, if I end up writing it. I'm thinking maybe he ends up back at that one village and goes from there?

And I figured I'd tell you about another fic I'm working on as we speak because I'd love your thoughts: a world where Paz actually died back on Earth, but per a contract she signed giving away her memories (which she logged regularly) she was revived in an avatar body and put in the newest program. In this program, males and females are paired together to have children (for less than wholesome reasons). A big part of this is Paz being haunted by her experiences on Earth and not wanting to be a mother because of it, and she struggles to come to terms with it over the course of her pregnancy and the early days after Spider is born, along with being in this alien body that doesn't feel like hers. I think that by the time she's gotten pregnant with the 2nd child (they're going for a boy and girl per pairing) and is coming out of her numb fog, she's begun to truly think about the horrific future that awaits Spider and her unborn baby (spurred on by the threat of killing it if it's not a girl) and ends up plotting their escape and running away. Throughout the story thus far she's bonded with the other women in the program and comes to learn about motherhood and what it means to her, and when she escapes she takes the others with her and they make their own little family before eventually running into the Omaticaya and slowly becoming friendly. I'm playing around with timelines and stuff because I think it'd be interesting to compare her and Neytiri's and Grace's experiences with motherhood, which would be so interesting to write about (Grace doesn't die until later in this world, don't wanna give away the death I'm leaning towards though). I'm taking inspiration from the poetry book 40 Weeks and more, and I love the concept but am still working out the kinks. Thoughts? Still very much in the early phases.

Also, I saw you briefly mention my memory-loss idea and I'd like to say that that brought me literal physical pain. Why, you may ask? Well because my one and only doc of the draft I was merrily working on (around 10+ pages of gorgeous notes/early rough-draft work, which for me is astounding since I tend to just ball) was deleted??? And I don't know the fuck how???? 1000 emotional damage points.

And I'm so happy to hear you've taken inspiration from fmdttpt's world! Your idea sounds so fun!

~ CherryApollo

Haha, thank you, and I'm sorry I've done it again. I've been so busy with my new job that I am swamped all the time, lol. I'm bad at responding anyway but my job is making it even worse.

BUT ANYWAYS. I love your interpretations of the characters, I just love when people think of or experience characters differently but in a way that still fits to me. For Kiri, I've just always seen her feeling at home anywhere that Eywa is, and wanting to experience every part of her. Every way she can feel her or be expressed, explore different plants and animals and nature and study and be a part of it the way her mom would've wanted to. And I just think Lo'ak gets bored easily lol.

I looove the horse comparison, it's shocking no one has written this fic yet! You have a ton going but it's okay because I'm excited for all of them. Humans are experts at taming and riding shit, why can't he, especially something as intelligent as an ikran.

Hmm, okay, the village makes sense. They would be able to tell Tonowari and therefore the Sully's real fucking fast through, so it would be kinda similar to him finding Awa'atlu. You coullllld have him escape in the forest and find the Sully's missing? I've always wanted one of those fics.

That's a really interesting idea! I personally don't care much for Paz as a character, or stories about her, but that is a very cool idea and I'd definitely check it out to see where it goes.

NO NO YOUR MEMORY LOSS FIC IS ONE I'VE BEEN SO EXCITED ABOUT, THAT'S THE SADDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD. Google doc man, I only use google docs.

And thank u for being chill with me getting inspired by/using it! I'm trying to catch up on all my asks today (answer but not post, I schedule those), so hopefully I'll be faster to answer you next time! I'm excited to hear how your works are going!

#i swear the asks are coming i'm catching up and i'm scheduling them i promise #kiri sully #miles spider socorro #lo'ak sully #spider socorro #spider sully #paz socorro #grace augustine #tonowari #ronal #avatar #avatar the way of water #james cameron avatar #melissa's asks #melissa on avatar (cameron)

[insipid-drivel]

This is your free heads-up that, hey, if you get deja vu sometimes, it's usually completely normal and not at all harmful.

If you get deja vu on a near-daily or very chronic basis? Please talk to your doctor. Temporal lobe seizures in particular are known to give the sensation of deja vu, and a person doesn't have to lose time/consciousness and visibly have their body seize to experience a seizure.

This PSA also includes anyone who may shrug off regular bouts of "staring into space" with no sense of the passage of time or memory of what may have been going on around you. If this happens to you regularly and goes on for longer than a couple of minutes at a time, you may be having absence seizures instead of "zoning out". Absence seizures can be especially dangerous if you're working or driving, because you aren't conscious to what's going on around you during that block of time, and so you're also not doing things like controlling a large vehicle properly. Sometimes people mistake these seizures for symptoms of ADHD, which is why it's critical to have it looked into.

"I get deja vu all the time and I'm worried about what kinds of tests would be done." You'll be alright. I actually used to get deja vu as a symptom. The readmore in this post will tell you what being tested for epilepsy is like. I had juvenile epilepsy and had to get it checked on repeatedly until I got lucky and grew out of it:

I've had my brain looked at quite a bit, having had childhood epilepsy as well as DID. If you're scared of invasive testing, the vast majority of tests for epilepsy and other neurological conditions are extremely non-invasive.

You may have to have some blood work done if you haven't in the past year already. This is a normal and very common request on the part of your doctor. If you are required to get one, that's about as uncomfortable as the testing process gets. Some metabolic, autoimmune, and nutrient deficiencies can cause seizures.

Most of the time, seizures are caused by epilepsy. People can go most of their lives without knowing they're epileptic, as certain forms of epilepsy and seizures are only detectable by you in the form of phenomena. Even hearing voices or hallucinating can be typical of epilepsy, as well as feelings of euphoria, with some people even describing their seizures as feeling like being in the presence of something divine. For others, the symptoms can be more alarming, as epilepsy can present in different areas of the brain, and therefore cause different symptoms from person to person. Epilepsy can also be caused by things like brain injuries, including a concussion.

The first thing a regular doctor is going to do is ask you questions about how you've been feeling. Is your appetite normal? Are you experiencing any unusual sensations or experiences, like feeling foggy-headed or even bouts of pain. They'll examine things like your reflexes (ye olde knee-bonk-bounce test with the little rubber hammer), balance, coordination, and general awareness of things like the passage of time, and some simple memory games like repeating as many individual words the doctor says to you as you can remember.

If there are any red flags there, your doctor will refer you to a neurologist. If you live in the US, you can't just make an appointment with a neurologist most of the time unless another doctor has referred you to them. General doctors are responsible for identifying the specialty you need, while the specialists themselves tend to be so specialized that they lack a lot of the important general knowledge your regular doctor has.

The first Big Test a neurologist may subject you to is... hand-holding.

Yes, literally, hand-holding (the doctor will have gloves on). Basically, among the many simple tests for neurological issues, checking whether or not your grip-strength in both hands is relatively equal is one of them. To do it, you're just asked to hold your neurologist's hands and squeeze as tight as you can with both hands at the same time.

Then, you extend your arms with your fingers outstretched, and your neurologist will ask you to try your best to keep your arms level as they slowly push down on each of your hands until your arms begin to lower. Again, this is to check if your coordination and strength are balanced normally.

Then, you touch your nose. It kinda feels like a sobriety test, which isn't too far off from the truth. An untreated epileptic brain can sometimes result in similar nervous depression as what you experience when you drink alcohol.

Your neurologist may have flash cards with different colorful pictures on them, like a tree, a house, a moon, and the sun. They'll show you all of the cards, give you a minute or two to try to memorize them, and then take them away and ask you to tell them which cards you can remember. Be honest. There is no such thing as a wrong answer with these tests; it is impossible to fail them. If you can only remember one card or can't remember any at all, that's vital information your doctor needs.

Depending on your situation, you may also be asked to take a set of very, very simple drawings of, say, a child assembling and flying a kite. The neurologist will then shuffle those drawings out-of-order and ask you to organize them chronologically to tell a story. This is another common cognitive test that seems childish, but can be vital (and is also meant so that children can comprehend them, because kids and non-verbal autistics sometimes need to get tested, too!)

The Big Test? Is called an EEG. An EEG is such an easy test that you're required to do it in your sleep. However, you may want to invest in stuff that's good at removing stuff like hair cement.

To begin with, you'll be called into a room that will have a big, noisy ventilation system set up in it. You may want to bring earbuds with you in order to block out the noise. This is also the lengthiest (and tedious) part.

See, in order to detect erratic brain activity (including seizures, night terrors, and sometimes sleep paralysis), a neurologist has to use a body-safe, long-lasting, ultra-tough glue to adhere small electrodes to your scalp. If you wear a weave, you're going to have to spend at least 24 hours without it. Depending on the style you wear, protective hairstyles like box braids may have to be undone, as the electrodes need to be able to touch your scalp with as little hair in the way as possible. Your neurologist will tell you if you need to do anything special with your hair before it's electrode-time.

The electrode-gluing process takes a while. For me, it took anywhere between 30-45 minutes or more depending upon the neurologist. The noisy ventilation system that will likely be in the room with you (mine looked like there was a jet turbine by my head) will come in handy in spite of the noise because the glue they use stinks to high hell - kind of like a mix between acetone and hair bleach. The vent will keep you and the doctor from gagging. Once the glue is dry, it's completely odorless.

The sensation is usually just like cold drops of hair gel on your scalp. There is absolutely no pain, and you get to sit back in a recliner or lie down entirely for the duration. You're asked to relax and occasionally turn your head so the doctor can see where they're gluing. There will be wires running down from the electrodes, so be careful not to yank on them (mostly because it hurts if you catch a wire and it yanks on the glue; it's very tough stuff). The wires attach to a receiver that will be attached to your clothes, like the waist your pants.

If you happen to accidentally drop an electrode or pull one out, write down the time and date that it happened and call your neurologist. It's not always necessary to go in and re-attach a single loose electrode, but it is crucial to note when it came loose so it doesn't mess with your test results and the person analyzing the data knows the lost electrode wasn't something weird happening in your brain.

Then you go home and have a regular day and go to bed. The data the doctor needs literally collects itself. After a day or two depending on the doctor's orders, you'll have your electrodes (but not the glue) removed and hear back. For me, it was about 2 weeks of waiting for results.

If you are stuck with the Glue of Doom, don't be an idiot like me and try to just get it out with determination, a comb, and regular conditioner. Treat it like bubblegum and apply oil like baby oil, olive oil, or coconut oil to the glue-spots. Massage the oil in and let it sit for a while, and then gently pick at the glue with a comb or toothbrush until it starts to come free. It can take a ridiculously long time to take out. I recommend running yourself a bath and bringing something like a laptop in with you so you can watch a movie while you clean your scalp up.

You may be asked for an MRI or CAT scan. An MRI is completely painless and non-invasive, and a lot of labs have special headphones you can wear while the test is going on so you can listen to music, as well as listen to the technicians if they have instructions or questions for you. A CT/CAT scan can be done with or without contrast dye. The version with dye does mean you'll need an IV, but allergic reactions are very rare to contrast dye and technicians are always prepared to stop a reaction in its tracks. As for the dye itself:

You will be able to smell/taste it. To me, it smelled and tasted like the smell of an old-fashioned pencil sharpener, which wasn't gross. It was just vaguely woody and metallic. The sensation goes away after an hour or two.*

*If you are AFAB and have a vulva, the dye can make you feel anywhere from strangely turned on and relaxed, to feeling like you've abruptly started to pee your pants without actually doing it. No, the technicians have no idea why people with vaginas feel the dye that way, aside from guessing that the amount of mucous membranes down there may make you more sensitive to the presence of the dye in your bloodstream. It feels very warm, and to my experience and those of everyone I've met that's had a contrast CT, doesn't feel at all unpleasant. For example, my mother will ask any neurologist she happens to encounter for a free hit of contrast dye just because she likes how it feels. Even when the appointments were for me.

A contrast CT isn't likely to be necessary, however, as they're mostly used for body scans. You're more likely to get a CT scan in order to test for signs of stuff like making sure any internal sutures you may have been given after surgery are holding strong.

Aside from the dye, the most annoying thing about a CT scan is having to periodically hold your breath for a few seconds at a time so the picture comes out clear. Sometimes you may have to hold your arms upward in the air and out of the way of the scanner. That's about it.

"What if I'm diagnosed with epilepsy?" Please, please, please don't hide from treatment after diagnosis. Epilepsy and epileptic seizures destroy your brain and can kill. There are a wide variety of medications that stop seizures and double as anxiety meds, and so your neurologist can seriously help dial-in the right medication that suits you without causing you discomfort or negative side-effects.

Then, consider reaching out to someone like a therapist. Sometimes a diagnosis like epilepsy and adapting to the medications that treat it can be hard to fully reckon with, and there are a variety of therapists out there that specifically specialize in helping you cope with stuff like a major diagnosis. Additionally, communicating with a therapist and your neurologist can help identify what can agitate your epilepsy. Some people can't look at flashing lights, while others can have sensitivities to things like sound, or even how hot it is. My half-sister is also epileptic, and was diagnosed after she collapsed and seized because she'd been sweating outside on a very hot summer day on a family vacation.

#PSA #epilepsy #seizures #deja vu

[retrieve-the-kraken]

Young Royals Season 2 play-by-play analysis

Alright, moving on to episode 2. I realize that a lot of what I did as I wrote my thoughts down was copy down a lot of the quotes, for future reference (both for analysis and for fic-writing), but I’ve deleted all of the standalone quotes, for space. I also hope that, by the end of the year, I will have a more advanced grasp of Swedish and be able to compare the script in Swedish and the dubbing/subtitles and get a better understanding of cultural context (in the meantime, I’m thankful for Swedish-speaking or Swedish-adjacent users who share their wisdom and knowledge with the rest of us).

EPISODE 2

Wille standing at the doorway, listening to Simon play the Hillerska melody on piano… the melody that he taught him how to play in that very same room… and feeling so distant… He’s not allowed to come near, he should give him space… Simon was on a date last night with someone else… he looked happy…

”If I wasn’t an adult I wouldn’t have been allowed to move here, my mum wanted me and Simon to drop out after his… s-sex video…” Awkward silence. The video is never going away. Everyone knows the truth. (It’s traumatizing still that everyone refers to it as a sex video, as if it were his fault, his and Wille’s for getting filmed, like they should have known that they could get caught, like it wasn’t a massive breach of privacy and also child pornography, like it wasn’t two kids involved, it’s victim-blaming).

Simon singing Feliz Cumpleaños to Sara and then talking about pabellón… makes me wonder why we never hear Sara speak Spanish, not even a word, while Simon speaks fluent Spanish, switching between both languages without problem. Meanwhile Sara understands it because both Simon and Linda say things and she responds, but in two seasons she hasn’t said a word in Spanish. Frida Argento, who plays Sara, probably speaks at least some Spanish, since she had been living and working in Barcelona, Spain, before working on the show. But maybe her accent is too strong…? (I doubt it; even hearing Edvin speak Spanish, I noticed that his accent is not as heavy as, for example, Americans speaking Spanish. In fact, Edvin pretty much nails the Venezuelan accent.) Or maybe it’s because Frida would have a Spanish accent instead of a Venezuelan one…? Or maybe (and this is, in my opinion, the most likely hypothesis) Sara, despite understanding and speaking Spanish as fluently as her brother, doesn’t like to speak it because it’s like showing that she’s an outsider, that she’s a second generation immigrant. She might not be proud of her heritage because she wants more than anything to fit in. (It would make sense, I’ve known quite a few people like that, who grew up in a foreign country and didn’t want to speak their native language because they didn’t want to feel like outsiders, and it’s particularly common amongst young Latin Americans; even Omar Rudberg himself talked about that in that show Taste Buds when he and Edvin Ryding eat Venezuelan food, that if his mother hadn’t forced him to speak Spanish, he would have only spoken Swedish, because he wanted to fit in, he decided that Swedish was cool and Spanish wasn’t, and now he’s glad that his mother forced him, and he’s so proud of it, and now he’s trilingual, but not all Latin American immigrants are so lucky). So maybe Sara could very well speak Spanish but it’s a conscious choice that she doesn’t.

“At least he doesn’t need to be rescued all the time.” Sara holds on to the concept that Wille is this disaster person (which he kind of is) and that Simon is constantly the knight in shining armor, sacrificing himself to protect/save him. That happened one time, Sara!

Did Henry just hug Simon during the game? More Henry/Simon bonding, please.

Wille not knowing how to handle his frustration over Simon “moving on”. Poor baby. First breakups are hard.

“I’m just trying to be honest about my feelings. Maybe you should try it sometime.” Ooooh ho ho Simon, you asked for it, and Wille delivers.

That whole silent exchange between Simon and Felice… I need them to be friends soon. I need Simon to put behind past grievances (the way Felice treated Sara at first, his jealousy over her and Wille kissing, etc), and realize they could be besties. (At least we get a little supportive interaction on ep 5 and 6).

How fast did the information that Wille is being forced out of Hillerska spread??? Fucking August being all “He hasn’t been well.” Fuck you, asshole. Fuck you and your satisfied grin that you’re “trying” to hide.

The snow globe breaking will never not hurt my little heart… and Wille’s face, and his trembling fingers trying to put it back together…

“At least you don’t have to be the Crown Prince.” Need more flashbacks to Wille and Erik, please. Is Wille wearing the same orange sweater that he wears on his first day at Hillerska? That he was wearing earlier in that scene and took off (conveniently leaving it behind for Simon?) If it is, then Wille wears that sweater more often than we expected, so it’s kind of strange that by the end of the season he hasn’t noticed that he’s missing it (but it’s okay, he had other things in his mind).

Kristina being so manipulative. “Your father and I love you just the way you are”, how sweet, “but if you are the first one in our family to choose to live in an unconventional relationship…” Oh well so much for that… the way she says “choose” and “unconventional”… “You should be able to choose when to come out… BUT not yet.” She’s holding on to the hope that he will get over this, she still thinks that this is just a phase, just an unfortunate romance.

And then she just says “okay” and hangs up on him. She’s so frustrated with him. But she doesn’t even try to be his mother for one second. She doesn’t even say goodbye. You’re supposed to be the fucking adult here, Krissy. You’re the fucking queen, and your teenaged son is going through a lot of shit because of you, so be a fucking adult.

Wille is so shocked to see a crowd gathered. The embarrassment continues. Poor baby. It’s like he’s everyone’s favorite drama, but it’s his fucking life. It’s so unfair.

“I talked to my mum and told her that I can’t be king or prince if I can’t be allowed to be who I am.” I don’t think Wille even cares what that means. I mean, he doesn’t care about labelling himself at all, it’s just a matter-of-fact to him, ‘whatever I am doesn’t matter, the point is I’m in love with this boy, I should be allowed.’

“They support me,” yeah right. “We will discuss things when I turn 18, what I want.” Sure thing, baby. Your mum just wants to postpone the discussion until your will has weakened. A discussion doesn’t mean they will agree with you at all. It’s so sad to me that he doesn’t know it, that he still trusts her a bit. He’s willing to do anything to get Simon back, even agree to such bullshit conditions.

“I think it’s really great that you feel like they’re supportive and stuff but…” Yeah, Simon doesn’t buy it either. Your mum doesn’t want you two to be together, those are empty words.

“I can’t be your secret again.” Here it is. He uses the word ‘secret’ again to refer to what they used to have, before the video, before everything. But it wasn’t a secret, really, it was private. But when everything blew up, and Wille denied being in the video, that’s when their relationship became like a dirty little secret. That’s why Simon says that he doesn’t want to be someone’s secret, when Wille comes back from the interview and apologizes but says that nothing has to change. But that wasn’t really Wille doing that, that was his mother who convinced him, that was her manipulation. But Simon still doesn’t understand that, he doesn’t understand that Wille truly was given no choice, he was scared into doing it. And Wille doesn’t understand where Simon is coming from, because he so desperately just wants to be with him, he just wishes Simon would agree and be with him on his terms and that’s it. At this point Wille has not reflected at all on what Simon asked him before the break. He hasn’t put Simon’s needs ahead of his own yet. He hasn’t accepted the part he has played in their relationship breaking down.

Stella is so frustrated with the heteronormativity of the game… “What if it’s not a guy?” And Fredrika, without even having to think about it, says “it’s a game for girls!”, implying, ‘Of course it’s about guys, why would it not? We’re all heterosexual women here.’ Nooooo, Fredrika…

“It depends on how you count”. Well at least she has a slightly more open view on what constitutes sex.

“Yeah, I’m not gonna… no way. Yeah… no…”. Maddie, queen of privacy. I love you. She doesn’t want the girls gossiping about Wille and Simon, and she’s definitely not going to start gossip about herself. In this house we stan Madison McCoy too.

That whole conversation, about sex vs penetrative sex, masturbation…

Sara’s invasion of Felice’s privacy, how the heck did she get into Felice’s phone, and her checking out the entire conversation between Felice and Wille… why Sara, why… I can understand some of the other terrible decisions that she makes during this show, which often relates to her being neurodivergent, but there is absolutely no excuse for going through someone else’s phone. That is pure sneakiness.

Simon smelling the sweater, then looking at the fish tank as he does, allowing all the memories flood him, getting inspired to write about it, letting it wash all over him… then seeing himself in the mirror and becoming angry at himself. He’s so frustrated at himself for holding on to these feelings, for not being able to get over Wille…

And every time that happens he just goes for the easy option, which is try to move on with Marcus… try to drown out the thoughts, the feelings with noise (Marcus). He wants to distract himself. But that’s all it is, a distraction. It doesn’t work like that, baby.

He’s psyching himself to try to replace everything with Marcus, everything he’s ever felt for Wille. The memory of holding pinkies during the horror movie? Let’s set up a horror movie and see what happens. But he’s so desperate he can’t even wait, so he kisses Marcus, just goes for it, just do it, hopefully it will be so good that Wille who? And it’s like… zero chemistry… Simon just keeps pushing, hoping that it will suddenly be there, just zap! But no, baby, that’s not how it works… And he knows this, by the way he looks sort of guilty and ashamed when Marcus stops him. That’s not you, Simon, that’s just your desperation talking. And as much as I detest Marcus, I do appreciate that he at least didn’t follow Simon’s lead, he stopped him. And I do feel a bit bad that Simon tried to use him like that (not because it’s Marcus, I would feel bad for any guy in this situation, as perfect as he could be). That little peck and then Simon following with his lips, then Marcus putting his arm around him and Simon just looking so tense… yep, he definitely feels absolutely no chemistry, but he’s just going with it, like really hoping it will come… fake it till you make it…

Sara wearing so much purple this season… the color of royalty… like it’s wishful thinking.

August being confused about Sara kissing him at first, then giving in, then his little smile and laugh when she leaves… August has self-esteem problems, and this girl has paid attention to him, not once, not twice, but three times. She’s helping him, and she seems to want him, physically at least. He’s catching feelings. At this moment he doesn’t really care that she’s lower class, that’s just a thing he has been conditioned to care about, that he’s allowed to be a big part of who he is and how he conducts himself. She sees him, and for someone who has a very low opinion of himself, due to how he perceives himself physically, due to the fact that he’s broke but he can’t talk about it, due to his need to be outstanding and the addiction that he has as a consequence, due to what he did to his own cousin and the precarious position that he’s in because of that, that’s just what he needed. Plus he’s living in fear of the social and legal consequences of what he did.

We get to see more about how Wille’s anxiety manifests itself. Picking and fidgeting are so common unconscious tics.

“My brother… he, um… I, I became Crown Prince…” there’s a heartbreaking post about how Wille deals with his grief, and another even more heartbreaking one about how the only time that he actually said the words “my brother is dead” was to August, he was sincere, expressing his feelings, and then August betrayed him, and he hasn’t been able to say it again since.

I love Boris. He’s so patient and good at his job.

I really relate to the way that Wille knows that he has severe anxiety, and wants to be able to fix that, but is embarrassed or apprehensive to talk about it. We see him pick up the brochure and browse through it, then pretends to put it back but actually takes it, hoping no one saw. I relate to that because for the longest time I thought I should be able to fix the problem on my own, and because it was difficult for me to seek help without feeling judged. The pressure that Wille feels due to his position, due to what has been embedded in him by his mother, doesn’t allow him to be open about these things yet, but he knows there is a problem and he needs to fix it. It’s just so hard to see that often, when it comes to mental health, the most effective way to “solve” it is to seek outside help. You seek medical attention for any other health problem, why wouldn’t you seek it for a mental health problem too?

The secret coup. Yikes.

“I mean, if he’s moved on so quick, what did I mean to him?” Boy is so emo. He’s not the jealous type, he’s the moping type. He cannot for the life of him be rude or mean to the guy who just went on a date with his ex, he’s just awkward and in pain…

Felice’s commentary is so bestie commentary. “You’re better looking than him.” “You need to spend more time with Simon, show him that he can trust you.” I’m not saying that she’s wrong (about the first comment, at least), but it’s so funny to me how this shows how much she’s into her bestie role. She’s doing the exact same thing that Rosh and Ayub are doing for Simon, and that is… giving bad relationship advice: whilst Rosh and Ayub are pushing Simon to get a rebound (not seeing that Simon is not the rebound kind of guy), Felice tells Wille to get closer to Simon (not realizing that the best advice, the thing that worked out in the end, was for Wille to give Simon space, let him go). At least things turned out well despite all the bad advice…

Felice is also doing much better now that they’re friends, now that there’s not that awkwardness from when she was trying to attract his attention (more on that later, of course, because of that scene). It’s like they were always meant to be friends like this, if Felice hadn’t been brainwashed by her mother to do everything in her power to get with the prince.

This friendship feels a bit one-sided at the moment. Felice is doing everything to be supportive to Wille in his circumstances, but hopefully if Felice needs his support in season 3 he will be there for her too.

“We deserve the privileges that traditions gives us…” uuugh, such entitlement… that whole sentence sounds so oxymoronic. Nobody really deserves privilege, it’s only given to them (privilege, in this context, is being handed things because of status and money and whiteness and maleness, etc, not because they were earned by hard work, dedication, good values and qualities, etc…)

“And who should I congratulate on that thankless, shit assignment?” It’s funny that August points out how “awful” it is to be prefect, yet he wants it with his whole being. Just like he wants to be a royal so badly, despite everything that it entails. But he doesn’t really truly think of how bad it is, even though it might be. Because being in a position of power to him means holding power, it’s just as simple as that. Being on top, being in control, being the authority. He doesn’t really think about the sacrifices because he’s not willing to sacrifice anything.

“Fucking Brutus, man.” Really, August? You’re calling someone else Brutus? (And then Wille appears on cue, like on a Shakespeare play. Fantastic).

“Congrats, he’ll be a thousand times shittier than I’ve ever been.” I mean, he’s not wrong, but it’s funny to me that he doesn’t say “shittier than you think I’ve been”, so he admits that he’s been shitty as a prefect. (Unless that’s not what he said in Swedish, but I’m guessing it’s not far off.)

The whole hair pulled back thing, I don’t remember them doing that during the first time that Sara slept over in Manor House (unless that was a special occasion, but doubtful). Maybe it’s different when it’s lunch and when it’s dinner?

“Some kind of socialist nonsense.” Jesus Christ, Vincent. He IS much worse. At least more outspoken.

I think it’s cute how Simon could have arrived and stood at either end of the group, but he went for the center, right next to Wille. He either did that automatically or on purpose, because it feels to me that it would have made more sense to stand at either end, to go under the radar since he was late.

“Why do you care?” Duh, Simon. Why would he not care???? That’s like asking why is water wet… Just because things happened the way they did, doesn’t mean that Wille is not still crazy about you… But Wille can’t be honest about it without shoving his lingering feelings for Simon onto him, so he has to make up an excuse.

“So you mean like cheating?” A recurring theme in the series has been Simon cheating to get ahead, and then it not paying off at all. He cheated when he made a deal with August to get the alcohol for the initiation party in season one, getting involved with his dad, and then August didn’t pay him back. He cheated when he tried to get private tutoring and then he didn’t have the money to pay for it. He cheated when he stole his father’s meds to give to August to sell, and now it’s a massive thing hanging over him, threatening him. And Wille cheated for him by throwing Alexander under the bus to protect Simon, which brought a whole bunch of other problems. Simon cheats to try to get ahead, because he’s always at a disadvantage, but the privileged kids will always still be ahead of him.

Wille knowing that Simon is not telling the whole story about how he knows Marcus. But don’t worry, Wille, you don’t know the whole motivation behind that.

Nils realizing that Vincent is a despot… Should have campaigned for himself.

Wille smiling all hopeful, thinking that surely he is in Simon’s good graces for helping him get a spot on the team… then going and sneaking a glance at Simon’s phone. Bad Wille, bad! First Sara and now you??? (At least he didn’t get into Simon’s phone, which again, how did Sara manage to get into Felice’s…?)

August feeling his blood freeze at Jan-Olof’s message. Karma, bitch? If only…

(Resisting the urge to rewatch the show from season 1 again…)

(Hmm, I haven’t actually done a play-by-play rewatch of season 1… maybe i should…)

(No! You’re supposed to be writing! Stop procrastinating!)

(Okay…)

#young royals #young royals analysis #young royals thoughts #young royals rewatch #wilmon #wilmon endgame #young royals season 2 #young royals s2

[opal-owl-flight]

You can lie to yourself, but you cannot lie to magic.

Hooh! Okay! Ive been fleshing out how magic works in my interp of things, and golly gee does it work so well with how (my) Mags has developed through the arcs.

In short: the practice of magic relies on understanding (the universe and the self), Will (which is stronger than belief), and the power of oaths.

If you are someone who’s known as a liar (to others and yourself), a cheat, and an oathbreaker, what does that make you as a magic practitioner?

All this is inspired from the thoughts of @cauli-flawa and the magic system of the Young Wizards series!

(More details under the readmore!)

The practice of magic is, at the most basic level, the manipulation of energy flows. The movement of particles. It is the song and dance of the universe. To be good at it, one must know It’s movement, one must be willing to join the melody. One must understand It, and their part in all of existence. An understanding of magic tends to lead to an understanding of the self.

And all this and more is interacted with by Heart Matter, which is the strength of will and intent from the magic practitioner.

Anyone can pick up the practice, as it is a science as well as an art, but magic does not dwell in the unwilling heart.

Meaning, if one denies its existence, or its effects, magic will not make itself known to them.

Furthermore, if a caster has doubt in their heart regarding what the spell will do, the spell tends to either fail or backfire. They must go beyond believing it will work, for doubt is found at the very bottom of belief. They must know — truly know — that the spell will work. The best practitioners go beyond knowledge, and Will things to happen. It is like breathing. A thought, and simple spells take form. More complicated ones involve diagrams, but even these are easily executed by these practitioners, assuming they have done their calculations.

Which leads me to the next important bit about magic: oaths.

Oaths can be as simple as the Law of Equivalent exchange, where one must promise to pay the price asked by a spell. Its energy manipulation. One must have the energy to actually make the spell work!

But they can also go beyond that — contracts and deals that can change a caster’s life. Or take said life. A caster can swear to give their time doing a certain task, or help someone else with another spell of theirs. Nova knows what will happen if you break one of these oaths…

Now. If youre someone whos known for being a cheat and breaking oaths, how does that affect you?

The Halcandra Mags grew up in has denied the effects of magic for ages, chalking it up to coincidence and rejecting the notion of Heart Matter/Will making things happen. When the mage was starting out, he didnt quite believe that the spells he was doing was actually happening. He doubted magic, and so, it was unreliable; spells sometimes didnt work at all. He is, what I can basically say, book-smart about it. He follows all the rules, knows how the law of equivalent exchange works, but without proper belief, without proper understanding beyond the surface level, nothing works as well as hed want to. Mages of the past can do magic without much thought. To him, its a conscious effort. Not only that, hes putting way too much thought into it… magic was so exhausting for him because he kept doubting it. He kept trying to come up with failsafes, which, while useful in modifying/inventing new spells, is not the best mindset to have when magic is needed in a pinch.

Come the fall of Halcandra, hes forced to rely on magic to survive. Its difficult, with all the terrible things hes witnessed. Thoughts swirl in his head and its hard to focus. Hard to believe in magic…and here, he had no choice but to believe in it. Tech has failed, and is actively hunting him down. Getting better with it is the only way he will make it out alive.

So he did! He started to doubt it less and less. His Heart Matter grew stronger. Soon enough, he heard a voice whispering to him…

He only wanted to be safe again. He only wanted to have a home.

Termina. The Voidborn can see through the very depths of one’s soul. And in that darkness, It saw, the young mage’s aching desire to have things be the way they used to be. A rejection of the present (and by extension, this future). A wish to return to bygone days. And if one must use brute force to get to this, so be it. Mags was willing to do anything to get this wish…and maybe, perhaps, do a little more…

Mags was aware of the Crown’s power. He was aware of how much it can do. He had anger in his heart for the cards hes been dealt with. He must strike back somehow, and then have his perfect paradise.

Termina is a force that can share It’s power. However, It will only do so with those who agree with It’s intentions to destroy the universe.

A contract.

For It’s power, the mage must be willing to do what It wants him to do. Thats easy, hes already so angry at the universe for letting all this happen. If its so good, if its so protective of life, how could it let this happen? Its not fair! All It has to do is to make him fully lean into that rage. Make him forget his other desires. Make him change his beliefs — make him believe that the Voidborn is the answer to everything.

It is, in a way, a sort of possession, except the victim is manipulated into giving up their free will voluntarily, in the illusion of a collaboration.

And in that hellscape, Magolor makes the deal with the devil.

He knows magic has its cost…so he planned to break this contract as soon as he spots a loophole. He wants to have this power all for his own. He does not want to share.

Heres the thing — he can actually zip through a loophole, but that would mean becoming just like Termina. A being full of anger fueled by despair, bent on destroying the universe. (The Bastard au is basically him managing to worm through that loophole.) And Mags? Well. Hes still kind of an ass with magic. Doubt still slept in his heart. And for once, maybe that was a good thing…in the universal scale, I mean.

While in the rtdl fight, in the first phase…the reason why hes somewhat better with magic here is due to the power he felt flowing through him. The power gave him confidence, banished that doubt in magic. (Hes only using simple spells, though, just juiced up. Hes basically brute forcing everything while drunk with power)

But it shook another kind of confidence. Made another kind of doubt blossom within.

Is this what he really wanted?

He, at this point, experienced Popstar. Friendship. Verdance. Plenty. In his mind, he thought of owning it all. His desires have changed from destruction to overruling everything. But even that is only surface. A compromise, between his rage and self-proclaimed greatness, and his true desire to have a home. To feel safe.

Termina saw that doubt. A broken oath.

With the oath broken, It acts. Wresting control from Mags, turning a delicate dance between equals into a full possession. (Despite all It’s power, It cannot really do much without a body. This is the reason It preys on mortals.)

And we all know what happened…

———————

Hooh! Okay. That was really fuckin long.

To live a life with only the desire to destroy, to have a void in one’s heart that anger or full control can never fill, or to be possessed and most likely killed when you have any thought of going against that plan. Some choice!

And thats not all of it! What about Mags currently?

Hes become truly great, after several arcs. The Nova Incident, where he attempted to build a Nova but failed to (bc the construction required power that can only be acquired by sacrificing Marx, and he wasnt going to do that) is the first big step. In that arc, he learns about the way the universe ticks. Saw a glimpse of Infinity. Saw that he was only a drop in an infinite ocean, that everything is connected. The practice of magic is closely intertwined with the Infinite — and the self’s part in it.

Mags learns, starting here, that the rules of magic can also apply to every day living — why else do they work? Magic is the way of the universe! It is the understanding of its flows! It is everywhere, so much so that even non-magic practitioners unwittingly follow its principles of oaths and Will! They know to keep their promises. They know that for something to happen, for something to change, one must fully believe, fully know, fully will it to be!

Tldr: he got better in practicing magic bc the magic system supports character growth. The more he understood himself and life around him, the better he got; for he knows now what his heart really desires. For he truly knows now that magic exists and flows through him.

#kirby #kirby fanart #magolor #headcanons #void termina #opal owl’s nest #MAGIC SYSTEMS THAT DRIVE THE NARRATIVE MY BELOVED #and for the record he made that deal FULLY BELIEVING that it will serve him in the end. #he saw Termina as an equal if not less. #BEFORE Termina started the whole manipulation shindig. this mage was from the beginning #ambitious. ruthless in achieving his goals.

[gear-project]

Do you think it could be possible that A.B.A.’s creator, Paracelsus, is really Asuka? Though it’s stated that A.B.A. was only conscious for 10 years before leaving Frasco, I don’t believe it’s said how long before her birth Paracelsus was taken away, meaning that she possibly could’ve been growing in a test tube for upwards of 150 years before she was fully conscious. The facts that

Both the Gear Project and Homunculus Project were about creating a new form of artificial life,

Both Asuka and Paracelsus were involved in some way with the military, and

In Asuka’s story mode he makes very Homunculus-esque clones of himself and mentions A.B.A. by name

lead me to believe that Paracelsus could’ve been a pseudonym taken by Asuka, and that he created A.B.A. as a sort of proto-prototype to the Gears without anyone else’s knowledge. Do you have any thoughts and/or know any bits of lore I might’ve missed that could help prove/disprove my theory?

Since you brought up the topic, I'll list a couple differences between Asuka and Paracelsus that aren't immediately apparent but it's what the story has revealed so far:

Paracelsus was taken from Frasco to work for the "Government" (non-specific) but is later revealed (by Xrd Library info) to be the Postwar Administration Bureau / The Conclave as part of the Frasco II Laboratory facility.

When A.B.A. speaks with Crow Kuruwaba (who works with them) while she never actually asks Crow about her creator's whereabouts specifically, Crow states he does know a thing or two about alchemy for creating a new body for Flament Nagel, which is why he has her try to capture Dizzy in her side story in exchange for the help (though this never actually pans out). These events take place after the events of Guilty Gear X, so 2181 or so… this was some time after Flament Nagel and A.B.A. fought with Slayer and lost (Night of Knives side story).

Paracelsus recovered Flament Nagel's Axe-body remains AFTER Slayer defeated him during the course of the Crusades, so sometime before Justice was defeated in 2175… in other words, Paracelsus was still conducting research of his own on Flament Nagel at this time in his OWN lab… the reason this is important is because at this time DURING the Crusades, Asuka was actually imprisoned by GEARS in a Gear Plant until I-No rescued him (this happened in an alternate timeline… after this Asuka left the physical world and began researching the Backyard and created the Cube prior to GG2 Overture's events). Flament Nagel never mentions Paracelsus specifically, only that he was locked up in an Armory for a number of years (and he doesn't ever mention Asuka either…), though it is known that Slayer has spoken with Asuka in later GGXX events post-2180, he never mentions encountering Paracelsus during that time.

Historical Note: Frasco is a reference to the "Homunculus in the Flask" story/theory developed by the historical Paracelsus Alchemist (the real person in OUR history)… and according to some stories, he was born in Switzerland but did most of his research in Germany and France, though much of his research spread to Italy during the Rennaisance. Some fictional stories suggested he accessed a "Forbidden Gate of Knowledge" during his lifetime and disappeared as well.

(For reference, most of Asuka's Gear Project took place in America, so it is unlikely that Asuka was involved in any European Research facilities that we're aware of until he was captured and imprisoned by the Gears sometime around 2182 in the other timeline. That's not to say he never WENT to Europe, we just don't have confirmation of him doing so until after Justice was killed in 2180 by Sol Badguy during the Second Sacred Order Tournament.)

4. Given what we know of the Conclave's and the P.W.A.B.'s extensive research, they did learn quite a bit about the Backyard from interacting with Ramlethal and Elphelt Valentine, Faust's Resurrection Spell, and turning the body vessel of Justice in to the Cradle which allowed them to transport themselves INSIDE the Backyard. The Conclave were also responsible for creating the O.P.U.S. Gears commissioned by Ariels, which are an advanced form of Gear that does NOT disobey orders… the Opus Gears are also likely based on Paracelsus' work as well as research on the Valentines… (likely this also impacted the Phalanx Nine Guard soldiers that Ariels tampered with as well).

5. The Conclave themselves run the organization known as the Sanctus Populi and oppose Asuka R. Kreutz in terms of ideology and it was this ideology that prevented the distribution of advanced Magic knowledge to the rest of the world. Given that Asuka was fighting the Conclave, it is unlikely that he encountered Paracelsus at this time or during the events of Revelator (although he did encounter Chronus some time later after being freed from Bedman's Prison). On the subject of their opposing ideologies, it was never Asuka's intent to hide the knowledge of Magic from the rest of the world… in fact his Radio Show intends to share nothing but facts as part of his Accumulation of Good Will. By contrast, most of the research Paracelsus did is a heavily kept secret and unknown to most of the rest of the world.

Xrd's Library also makes a point to make a distinction between Magic Arts and Alchemy… indicating that the latter is lesser known than the former.

6. Hate to correct you but Asuka does NOT refer to A.B.A. by name… only as "that Homunculus Frasco project" when speaking of the Valentines… it's a HINT to A.B.A. but it's not direct, though we do know Asuka was responsible for Jack-O'Valentine's creation and was still working on I-No's Valentine… we can't really say how much progress he actually made on finishing the real Happy Chaos Valentine.

By comparison, Jack-O' is technically a "superior model" to A.B.A. because of her Valentine status as a "replica of Justice", though the method Asuka used to make Jack-O' is different from the methods that Ariels used to make Ramlethal, Valentine, and Elphelt.

In other words, A.B.A. was created using a completely different method… Alchemy compared to using the Magic of the Backyard to manifest a body. Also, it's made clear in A.B.A.'s bio that her blood is reactive liquid Mercury (Quicksilver as it is also known)… so it isn't anything like the Gear Cell based Magic Conduit system that GEARs use to sync up with the Backyard's Magic Energy.

Asuka also states that his Asuka R# Copies are disposable, so they aren't anything like either A.B.A. or the Valentines in construct, even if they're technically inspired by them... meaning they aren't Gears or Homunculi by themselves... meaning the method he used to make them isn't Alchemy either.

It was a nice theory, but there's a lot of info that disproves it at this time... we'll just have to wait and see what happened to Paracelsus later on.

#Paracelsus #Asuka R. Kreutz #Frasco II #Frasco #A.B.A. #Valentine Series #Asuka R Sharp

[astrovian]

Summary of main points/new info from Richard Armitage's interview on Writers Pod:

- When Audible originally approached Richard, they asked specifically for a crime/thriller novel but wanted it to be ghost-written. Richard balked at this, as he didn't want to be reading someone else's words and passing them off as his own ("I couldn't read someone else's words as if they were mine"), so enthusiastically accepted the project with the caveat that he got to write it himself. This made Audible concerned ("Can he even write?"), but Richard submitted a plot outline as well as a writing sample which convinced Audible to drop the ghost-writing idea

- Geneva was written mostly in hotel rooms, including during filming for The Man From Rome and Stay Close, on his days off or on the weekends

- He was writing in both Ulysses and Word (on both his iPad and Laptop) but would have preferred to write with pen and paper. He has no idea what font he wrote in - just whatever the default is

- When shooting for a show/film, Richard looks at the next day's scene as the last thing he does before he sleeps, and he did the same for Geneva, reading through his plan for the chapter that he wanted to write the next day directly before going to sleep. The next day, he would get up, eat, go for a run, let the ideas he'd either come up with overnight or that morning soak in, and then come back in the afternoon and write it down. He would keep going, writing in free-flowing style as the ideas and words came into his head, and would end up staying up writing to 2am sometimes. He would then leave what he had written for a few days and come back to it later to start polishing and editing

- Exactly like he does when he is acting, RA keeps a black notebook behind his bed to jot notes from dreams down in

- When dealing with writer's block, Richard would focus on structuring the chapter instead e.g. the 'dot-to-dot' of what would happen in the chapter, creating a skeleton structure with gaps to fill in later. Richard credits his experiences with acting, which he refers to as a structured discipline (and because shooting always occurs out of sequence) as what made it easy for him mentally to write chapters out of order and leave gaps in them to come back to later when he felt inspiration strike

- When writing, Richard ended up imagining this story as his TV show/movie without realising it, picturing each scene (chapter) in his head and then writing that down

- "My brain works in a very visual way, my script margins are fill of pictures and images"

- "I did read every single word out loud to make sure it was right, musically, structurally". During the final recording process, he was still making editing changes, retro-fitting words or phrases that didn't sound right when read out

- Grammar editing of the novel was left to editors at Audible, but Richard acknowledged that this was very important despite being only an audiobook: he has likened it to writing music - without that information the reader/narrator doesn't know when to pause or take a break etc.

- "It may turn into a physical copy"

- "I knew I wanted this to be spoken in first person" after he thought about narrating Jekyll and Hyde. Richard loved the idea of the doctor writing letters about himself, which led to the idea of Daniel writing a case study about his own wife. He then realised Sarah, with all of her expertise and knowledge, needed a voice as well

- On writing in the crime/thriller genre: "I was very conscious of cheating the audience - red herrings frustrate me... but I also don't like things that are tied up too neatly"

- "I'm creating another treatment right now"

#richard armitage #geneva

[arcplaysgames]

Okay now that I got that out of my system, I have thoughts on the investigation team. Obviously Kanji is up next. I'm very hyped for him.

So he appears on the Midnight Channel, and luckily everyone recognizes him instead of being mysteriously baffled and uncertain.

Before we can really dig into the mechanics of the Midnight Channel, Yosuke wants to know if I'm into Chie or Yukiko. Sadly, no. I'm still keeping my options open.

I very much have a Type, and my Type is "competent person, usually a fighter themselves, who is undergoing their own full character arc in tandem with mine." Garrus and Akihiko fit that tremendously, they are like the pinnacle of that shit, that's my catnip. I like growing emotional maturity and feeling like a partner or equal to the person. (Again, Garrus fucking Vakarian is the best romance in games, you can @ me.)

Chie and Yukiko aren't my jam, tho Yukiko seems nice and if I HAD to pick, probably her. But also: god please can I have some more options.

Back to the investigation, we're finally one step ahead of things. Yukiko knows Kanji because Amagi Inn is a client of Tatsumi Textiles. Fucking aces, we have an in.

gasp

we meet them this early? omg.

Their voice is like suede on ice, it's very good. I like a very even measured cadence.

Also no joke this shop is beautiful, I would love to just look around in this place and touch things. I love patterns so much.

After the mysterious slender young man leaves, it turns out that the first murder victim got a scarf from here, but like.

I think the first victim might be a red herring altogether and the entire case is supernatural in some way. Like, in a moment we get to see that Kanji is not actually stuck in the TV yet, he's in the normal world still. So the Midnight Channel somehow knows who the victim is going to be beforehand. This happened with Yukiko as well, when we all thought she was kidnapped but she was working at the inn still.

So, the Midnight Channel is forecasting the next person beforehand.

Two options:

A. The killer is somehow tuned to the Midnight Channel itself and the way their power works, it does the forecasting beforehand. The killer is likely from the TV World or connected to it.

B. The killer is responding to the Midnight Channel's directive when it forecasts who is next, and thus the victims aren't actually being picked by the killer but by the TV.

... Neither of these make a lot of sense, but they make more sense than the killer selecting victims and the TV weirdly Knowing about it and informing everyone.

SHRUG. ANYWAY.

oh wow it's not even subtle huh

THEN AGAIN NEITHER ARE THESE IDIOTS

y'all are not particularly skilled in any form of subtlety of subterfuge, are you. the "standing in plain sight without cover" tactic.

everything out of Kanji's mouth fills me with utter joy. troy baker my beloved.

covers face with hands

nice, uh, alliteration, Shadow Kanji. whoo boy.

INTERESTINGLY bc I think this entire game is about rumors and obfuscations of truth, when the team asks Teddie if he can find Kanji, he can't pinpoint his location and wants some details on Kanji. no one in the team knows anything because all they know about Kanji are the punk rumors around him. hm hm hm!

oh and i nearly forgot

PRIESTESS SOCIAL LINK: GET

This one, even more than the others I don't get. The High Priestess is a keeper of vast knowledge and wisdom, sitting sentry over a veil or doorway between the conscious world and the subconscious, the mystical, the sacred. Sometimes this is literally some "women understand magic more then men sacred feminine" shit but putting aside that annoying shit, the Priestess is a protector of both the knowledge they preside over and a protector of the querent. Their purpose is to know what answers to give and how, so to keep the querent safe.

Fuuka made a pretty good Priestess as the SEES' mission control character. She gazed into the abyss so others did not have to, essentially. She also had a strong air of detachment from her peers, which is a common stumble of the priestess, that isolation from those who don't share their burden.

If to bend really hard and connect the concept of Amagi Inn and legacy to the 'burden' of the Priestess, then maybe? But like Yosuke, Yukiko doesn't yet have the signifiers I would expect from their arcanas.

BLAH BLAH TAROT BLAH BLAH, kanji's heeeeeeere, i'm so happy. I know what arcana I might give him but I'm sure the game will do something stupid like make him the Emperor or whatever.

#p4 #persona liveblog #cartomancy

[femmespoiled]

I really trust your opinion on things, if you don't want to answer this I completely understand.

I'm struggling with classifying myself as butch. I used to be much more "the type" but now I like to be a bit femme too. I was a gym rat with short hair. Now I'm disabled and weak with medium hair. I can't decide if I want to cut my hair off again or not, sometimes I wear dresses and get done up. I learned I do like some makeup too. I'm also strictly a service sub.

Is there such a thing as a femmebutch? Am I not butch anymore or am I turning femme? Idk I'm still learning about lesbian culture and how I fit in

You reminded me of this piece from The Persistent Desire by Joan Nestle, and I decided to share it, because it isn't my intention to share it with the "Sharing the Knowledge" series, but it seems pertinent here.

I want to address a couple things. First off, I can't classify you as either, that's not up to me, these are very personal and subjective identities, I'll talk about myself and my opinions and I hope that'll help. I also want to reassure you that if you happen to be an unaligned lesbian, you're just as great and valid, a lot of people think that they have to fit into either one of these identities, and, for some, labels, but that's not true, you don't have to be butch or femme and you'll still be just as valid in sapphic spaces.

Now I understand your reticence, but I have addressed some of these stereotypes and, you know me, I'll address them again as needed.

There seems to be a lot of focus on looks and I wanted to get my message out again, that's not what these identities are about. Butches and femmes can do whatever they want with their hair, in fact I've been wanting to shave my head for a bit now, doesn't make me any less femme, without makeup I'm not any less femme, I'd think the same should apply to you. I understand specially how you feel about being disabled, butch and femme have both been defined with action and movement so much in our history, it can be hard sometimes to find your place in it, where do we fit if we're disabled, we're all still learning about how to best show up with those, I think disabled butches and femmes are slowly redefining our places in our community and that's important, furthermore your butch (or femme) identity shouldn't rely on being able bodied and speciality not on physical strength, that's not what it is about, from the bottom of this disabled femme's heart. I am and feel disabled and weak too and I give myself and my body the space and time it needs to recover and I do what I can in these actions and movements I see about.

That was an important part, that hit close to home. Continuing I have in the same before mentioned series, a piece that talks about how conscious gender building can be a lot of work but it's also very important, that we could all benefit from a bit more fluidity and less rigidity when it comes to gender expression specially. "There are as many ways of performing, embodying and discussing butch and femme as there are butches and femmes"

this is from Persistence: All ways Butch and Femme by Ivan Coyote and Zena Sharman

I believe these identities, with conscious gender building, take what's best for them from each masculinity and femininity and that's not one size fits all, I'll repeat into forever.

You gotta know what each of these gender pieces mean to you.

But I'll be clear regardless, you don't have to hate makeup and dresses to be a butch, you don't have to be dominant to be a butch, most butches I know are switches, a lot of butches I know are submissive and I love them so much.

I don't quite believe in turning femme or turning butch, mostly because I think you put words to what you are as you go, at least that's what I did and I'm only one femme. I was femme way before I had the words for it and had been longing for this identity, when I found the word it was like finding home.

I'll say it again to fit in lesbian culture you don't have to be femme or butch, if you are, that's great, if you're not, that's also great. Conscious gender building is important for all of us. Have a think, go through my butch/femme tag, do some research about what these identities mean (specially for you) and hopefully you'll be able to answer your questions.

Hope this helps in some way, thank you for trusting me ♥️

#bellas butch/femme tag #ask #persistence: all ways butch and femme #the Persistent Desire: a femme butch reader

[a-dragons-journal]

Um, so, I have an experience I went through in my time as my kintype that I don’t remember whatsoever, but I do know how that *felt* for me, and absolutely just *know* I went through that experience some way or another. I haven’t even watched the episode it’s from in my source, and I still feel like I know how it felt. Is that, abnormal? Out of the ordinary? Because it feels like I definitely went through it, I just don’t remember much more than the feelings.

Short answer: You have described exactly how the vast majority of my current memory works. There's different types of memory and some brains are just better at saving certain types over others; this isn't terribly unusual.

Full answer: So, the thing is, there's different types of memory. There's episodic memory, which is being able to remember events as they happened. There's semantic memory, which is being able to recall facts without necessarily being able to recall the events associated with learning those facts. And there's procedural memory, which is implicit knowledge of how to do something that doesn't typically require conscious recall. There's also the aspect of emotional associations, which, I'm honestly not sure if those fall into semantic memory or if they're their own category.

What you're describing, as I understand it, is basically that you have access to the semantic memory and emotional association associated with that event, but not the episodic memory. I don't know how common or uncommon that is exactly (I think it's more common with certain neurodivergencies like ADHD, but I wouldn't stake my life on that), but it's definitely not unheard of. As I said, this is a thing I experience Constantly; my semantic memory is pretty good, but my episodic memory is spotty as hell. Episodic memories get deleted literally minutes after they happen sometimes for me, even when I still have access to the semantic knowledge of what happened.

(This is unfortunate, because it's not uncommon for me to, say, remember that I strongly dislike a person and consider them a bad person, but have zero memory of what they actually did to deserve that judgement and, if I can't find a record of it written down somewhere, have to ask someone I trust who knows to remind me of what happened with them - even if it was a pretty extreme thing they did. Which is extremely embarrassing for me to have forgotten.)

In addition to that, noemata and past life memories both tend to be a bit more, uh, hit-or-miss than current-life memories, just generally speaking. That's not true for everyone, but typically they're harder to recall, probably for the obvious reasons - so it pretty much makes sense that you're going to have holes in them.

#otherkin #fictionkin #rani talks #asked and answered #anonymous #file it under 'reasons i'm 99.999% sure i have undiagnosed adhd'

[wangxianficfinder]

see, you brought up a good point in that if the author does not want to be affiliated with the fic or the fandom anymore there’s always an option to make the fics anonymous or orphan them. however when they delete them it’s a conscious effort on their part that they do not want the fics to be made available for reading anymore. you guys have been doing great job with the blog and I appreciate it as it has helped me find so many gems that I’ve missed in the fandom, it’s just this that’s rubbing me the wrong way because I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do to writers who had chosen to keep their writing to themselves and I feel we should at least respect that.

I understand your view. Thing is there's a lot of people who don't know it's possible to orphan or how to make them anonymous. I didn't, for a long time, and pretty much just came across the info for how-to one day scrolling through Tumblr.

~Mod L

--

Authors have every right to delete their fics and ask people not to share it around. But I think it's kind of common knowledge at this point that even if you delete a fic, there's a good chance someone has downloaded it already.

That's my reasoning anyway.

As long as people do it privately and not publicly shout about having a deleted fic, then it's fine, right?

Unless the author themselves have publicly stated they didn't want people sharing it, that is when I think it's something you should not do.

I understand how it can be uncomfortable for some people, the sharing of deleted fics, but it's just a thing that happens. As long as people are respectful and quiet about it, then I think it's okay.

It's gonna happen anyway, there's not much anyone can do about it. AO3 has a download button for a reason, authors and readers both know this.

Instead of trying to get people to stop, which would be extremely difficult to do, I think we should instead try to make them understand how to do it respectfully and in private.

If readers want to read a deleted fic, let them. If an author states they don't want the fic shared around, respect them. And if you have a deleted fic downloaded and want to share it, do it in private/through DM's.

Does that make sense?

- Mod C

--

rainbowsky: I think it's also important to remind people that it's possible for fics to be accidentally 'disappeared' without the author's knowledge or consent. Just because a fic is no longer available, that doesn't mean it's been deleted.

That is true. Sometimes the only way to find a fic is to ask for the downloaded version of it, especially if it's been hidden without author knowledge. Please, please, please never hide a fic that's not yours without author permission.

- Mod C

--

the-marathon-continues-nip said: to anon: I understand that you are empathizing on behalf of the authors which is admirable :) However bear in mind this is a fic finder blog, so the raison d'etre of this blog is to assist members of fandom how to do so. Yes, even with deleted fics. If the ability is out there to recover a deleted fic, I think it's fair to share the information how to find instead of keeping it hidden.

I think it's fair that authors 100% have a right to delete their fics for whatever reason, and also fair that members of fandom will try to find the deleted fic.

#answers #mod l #mod c

[myname-isnia]

My mom and my grandma can't even talk for 15 minutes without arguing over something, so to indulge in the mommy issues mood of the evening, some thoughts about Midori's relationship with Ming-Hua, because why not??

The thing is, Ming-Hua loves Midori just as much as she loves Suiren. Midori is her daughter, her little seedling, she would kill and die for her if she had to. Midori is a part of her, always was and always will be... but she isn't a waterbender.

Of course, it's something way out of Midori's control, your bending isn't something you can choose. Ming-Hua would never love her child any less just because they didn't inherit her bending, especially when instead they inherited the bending of the man she loves. When Midori finally discovered her earthbending, Ming-Hua was just as proud of her as she was of Suiren's waterbending. She held her close and kissed her cheeks, whispering words of endearment and encouragement. But that happened when Midori was four, there were many years before that.

When you spent so much of your life fighting tooth and nail for the right to learn waterbending, persevering against everything and everyone, running on sheer spite, and suddenly you get the opportunity to freely pass on that knowledge to someone else, are you not going to take it? Are you not going to give it your all? Are you not going to make sure your daughter never lacks a teacher?

Ming-Hua was a good mother to her kids, but no parent is perfect, even if they are better than most. She got so engrossed in teaching Suiren waterbending that she sometimes unintentionally neglected Midori and didn't give her enough attention. It wasn't like Midori was left completely alone, she had her dad and her auntie and uncle who made sure she never felt ignored, but when you have a mother who loves you, is there really anything that can replace that?

If Midori asked for it, she would never be turned away, but overall she couldn't help but feel as if Suiren was the favourite, as if she herself was only second best. How many full moons had Midori spent wanting her Mama to sing her to sleep when she was busy waterbending with Suiren? How many times had Mama's reaction to Suiren mastering a move been more full of happiness and pride than to something Midori had done? It's really no wonder that Midori ended up much more drawn to her auntie instead, that she ended up missing the warm touch of a hand much more than the cool embrace of water?

If the Red Lotus were never imprisoned, these feelings would have never festered. Midori would've started getting a hang of her bending and wouldn't feel inferior, maybe she'd even voice her troubles and Ming-Hua would make the conscious effort to do better. But that wasn't what happened. Midori was left alone with no one but Suiren to care for her, with less than mediocre bending skills and no way to get better. And though Suiren was young too, she is a prodigy, so there was really no way to prevent those seeds of resentment from taking root.

Over the years, as Suiren's bending got better, Midori's inferiority complex got worse. Suiren grew up to be gorgeous, talented, capable of handling herself, while Midori grew up to be awkward, painfully anxious and timid, and nowhere near skilled enough. She can barely handle hiding the disdain she holds any longer.

And then, they get their parents back after 16 long years. Finally, Midori thinks, finally she can receive that love and appreciation she desperately craved for almost her entire life... But that doesn't happen. No, everyone is still focused on Suiren and her self-imposed angsting. And if dad and auntie at least try to give Midori the attention she needs, then mom barely talks to her if not to ask something about Suiren

But Midori isn't a meek little kid anymore who silently takes everything thrown her way. She spent too long under Haya's iron fist to endure it any longer when things are supposedly meant to be better. So one day, she'll snap. She'll tell her mom everything she thinks of her favouritism of Suiren, if she loves Renny more she can just say so, but please, please stop viewing Midori as a key to Suiren's puzzle, Suiren's extension, Suiren's shadow, instead of her own separate person. And Ming-Hua listens. She listens and realises how wrong she had unintentionally been. And she promises to try and rectify it

It adds to Ming-Hua's self blaming and guilt. Not only had she left her beloved girls with a woman who would abuse them for their entire childhoods, but turns out, things weren't as great for Midori even before that. But she does stick to her promise and tries to do better. It helps that Suiren is also at the point where she stars recovering, but even if she wasn't, Ming-Hua would still make sure to set time aside every day to talk to Midori, to really listen to her, to watch her learn and improve in her bending. Because she never wants her little seedling to feel inferior or less loved ever again

#i need to write or read or draw them interacting so badly 😭😭 #like suiren and ming-hua's relationship makes me insane already... this one is even worse #i would absolutely be drawing them right now if i had my tablet #and i would write so much more if typing on my phone wasn't an absolute nightmare. ive already spent way too long doing it #anyways. these two <3 #seeds of the red lotus #ming-hua #sotrl midori #original character #long post #character analysis #sort of