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mossy-rot · 5 months

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The Smell of Rotting Gardenias

Cross-posted to AO3, my piece for @captain-astors for the tokyo ghoul pair up!

Drip, drip, drip.

Hide stared at the flowers before him, watching the dew slide off the petals, drop by drop.

Drip, drip, drip.

A ladybug crawled up the stem, slowly. His fingers raised to his face, brushing over the thick bandages with featherlight touch.

Drip, drip, drip.

Images of a damp, cold sewer came to mind. Blurred images of his feet on the concrete, of his hand on a man’s shoulder, of the drool that slid down lips and chin.

Drip, drip, drip.

The ladybug is caught by one of the drops, dragging it down, against its struggle. His fingers clench in the bandages.

Drip, drip, drip.

He remembers his words. He remembers hunger. He remembers pain.

Drip, drip.

A hand reaches into his vision, pale and slender, stopping the ladybug’s descent. It’s freed of its watery prison, now using tiny limbs to wipe away the liquid.

“Poor thing,” a voice murmurs, soft and raspy but not without a lilt that spoke of extravagance. They set the bug on top of the flower, a petal without dew, and watched it scurry away.

Hide lifts his head to see the owner of the voice, letting his eyes settle on him.

As expected from his hand, the man was slender- with a paled pallor to his skin that screamed of sickness, if the way his hospital-sanctioned clothes hung loose on his figure hadn’t said enough. Despite this, his hair- vibrant as a damn marker in its purple color- was still neatly combed, styled to perfection.

Strange, to be so well preened in a hospital courtyard. He felt- well, what was left of his mouth- twitch up into an amused smile.

He leaned over to his side of the stone bench, picking up his notepad. Scribbling a quick note onto the page, he tore it off, offering it up to the man.

The stranger startled at first, looking down at the paper with surprise, before reading the message.

“Save bugs here often?”

It’s a silly question, but he enjoys the way the man’s face crinkles with confusion.

“Oh, no, I’m..” His eyes wander, before he coughs into his fist. “I’m new here. This is my first day out in the courtyard.”

Hide’s eyebrows raise, and his pencil goes right back to the page.

He flips the notebook around, letting him read the message. “Welcome to the garden, I guess. It’s better than inside for sure. I’m Hide.” After he’s sure he read the note, he puts the book down and extends his hand.

“Oh- well, you’re certainly right about that.” He takes Hide’s hand in a gentle handshake. “My name is Shuu.”

Shuu gives a small smile that doesn’t reach the eyes, and sits beside Hide.

The silence they fell into couldn’t be described as comfortable, but he took what he could get. It beat someone trying to talk his ear off. The only noises present were the soft chirping of birds, the occasional bustle of people walking past, and the like.

Shuu barely so much as spared him a glance as they sat together, observing the ladybug he had rescued feast upon some stray aphids. Then again, Shuu didn’t seem to actually be looking at much- staring far past the meager garden, boring a hole into the flora with empty eyes.

As Hide expected, the man went just as he came; quietly, with little to say and the shuffle of someone only present by obligation.

Which is why when it happened a second time, Hide found himself intrigued.

Hide had developed what he liked to call a routine during his time in the hospital. The regular rounds of check-ups, bland meals every few hours, and his time out in the gardens- the only time he got to enjoy, to the best of his ability. The outside was, at bare minimum, free of sterile halls and the tired song of heart monitors.

To have a new addition to this routine was… interesting.

As the day before, he had huddled himself up on his usual spot- a cold, rough bench that got just enough sun to be tolerable- watching bugs skitter by.

He didn’t have time to get lost in his thoughts today, though, as by the time his mind began to wander into all those little dark corners, the space next to him was filled.

The glint of vibrant purple in the corner of his vision was enough to let him know who had taken the spot. It wasn’t unwelcome, really, just unexpected.

He wrote a quick note, sliding it over to the man. “Welcome back.”

Despite not glancing back over, he saw the hint of a smile in his peripheral vision.

Like the day before, they sat together in silence, observing the area around them, basking in the warm sunlight. He noticed that some of the plants had begun to wilt- the roses, maybe? He wasn’t sure what they were called.

He wondered if Shuu noticed, too.

Of course, he was still in the hospital. It was only a matter of time before they had to call him back into his little personal hell.

A woman, nice enough but surrounded by an aura of exhaustion that you felt bad simply by being there, walked up to him. “Alright, Hide. It’s time for your favorite part of the day,” she spoke, her words pressed through a sieve of corporate safe vocal inflections. He heaved a quiet sigh, near inaudible through the layers of gauze, as he lifted himself to his feet.

He didn’t acknowledge the soft ‘oh,’ of disappointment he heard, but he did manage to give a half-hearted wave as he was guided back into the building.

Check-ups went as they always did- poking and prodding here, a nasty jab of a needle there. At the very least, they didn’t make him look in the mirror this time.

By the time he manages to zone back in, the doctor seems to be on an entirely different subject. His facial reconstruction.

“We can’t guarantee the success of a voice box for you, but for the time being, it could be a good option. Then, you would be able to talk without the difficulty of your mouth in its current state.” The doctor said- what were they talking about before?- after handing him a stack of papers. He could assume they were.. some sort of waiver? He didn’t want to think about it right now.

He wasn’t allowed back outside that day. He could merely yearn for the spring chill from the confines of a room much colder than the free air, buzzing with fluorescent light.

He wondered if the news was right, about the Eye Patch ghoul being missing. About perhaps even being dead. He wondered if people would celebrate, if that was the case, or if people would move along with their day, as if nothing had changed.

He wondered if the ghoul missed him. He wondered if he thought about his taste, if he felt regret. He wondered if the pain was worth it. And as the night grew close, the sun dipping behind the horizon as it welcomed the stars, he touched his bandages with not an answer to speak of.

It happened again, again, again. But the seventh time it had happened, he was thankful.

Fresh air could only do so much, really. Not when you have all your secrets bundled up in a nice, tight rubber band ball, awaiting the one little slice that will make it go pop . It was a dangerous game, but it was one he didn’t mind playing.

Breaks were nice now and again, though.

As usual- a word which felt all too domestic- Shuu had saddled up next to Hide. With a glance, he could tell that something had changed. Gone were his hospital clothes, now replaced with a colorful cardigan and white dress pants, a white button down underneath. They still refused to fit right.

It wasn’t until one of the cracked, browned petals fell off did Shuu speak.

“They didn’t water it enough.” Was the statement, one utterly bizarre to have unprompted. Hide stared at him, meeting his eyes. He didn’t hold the contact for long.

“The soil needs to be damp all the time. Look at that,” He motioned toward the flowerbed, to the dry dirt beneath the plants. “They really should take better care of their gardens. Hell, I could do it- pardon my language, but honestly. What good are dead gardenias?”

It was the most he had ever heard the man speak in the few days he’s known him, and it made a terrible swirl of joy in his chest.

A dry, cracked noise that vaguely resembled a laugh escaped his throat. Picking up his notepad, he scribbled a note.

“Strong opinions on the flowers, huh?”

Shuu turned, surprised, as if he thought he had been talking to himself the whole time. He cleared his throat, messing with a thread on his pants. “Of course. Anyone who’s spent even a minute taking care of plants would know that.” He said, like it was common knowledge.

Hide slid him another note. “You seem to be really into this. Do you garden?”

He figured it was a dumb question, but found that he was more surprised than anything when Shuu shook his head. “It was never my job, but oh, we did have such a lovely garden in my younger years. I spent hours out there, learning all the meanings of the flowers..” His eyes looked to be a bit unfocused, a contented smile on his face at the memory.

“I still remember most of them. The white gardenia, for example,” Hide watched him lean forward, to gently cradle one of the flowers between his fingers. “means purity, peace and harmony. It makes sense, doesn’t it? With how soft the petals are and how sweet the scent is.”

It was as if the mere sight of a dying plant was enough to break the floodgates, like he had been waiting to spill all his plant-based knowledge onto Hide from the moment they had met.

He couldn’t say that he minded, though.

But it appeared that Shuu had forgotten Hide’s condition, so being met with silence made him pause, shifting awkwardly as he fell quiet. Hide picked up his notepad again, hesitantly writing his next words, before sliding the book to Shuu. “Tell me more?”

And just like that, the light had flickered on again, and Shuu began another ramble. For once in this awful place, he could forget the night’s approach, to be lost in flower meanings and floral history.

But, as it always did, the time to return to their rooms arrived. Opting to do this before needing to be retrieved by a nurse, Hide stood, making a gesture for Shuu to follow.

With great hesitance, he did.

The first few steps were fine, taken in casual stride without a hint of difficulty.

The next, Hide was watching Shuu’s knees buckle beneath him as he began his descent to the ground. For both of their sake, he was glad he was fast- able to frantically throw his arms around the man before he met the cement.

He was heavy in his arms, of course, but he could still feel the harsh press of bones against him, somehow could feel the lack of weight more than anything else. Something in his stomach twisted as he watched Shuu’s expression, his eyes wide, sliding slowly from one thing to another, his mouth dropped slightly open.

Sounds, sorry attempts at jumbled words, crawled from his throat in a horrific manner that drew Shuu back to reality.

“Oh.” He murmured, his grip becoming tight on his arms. “I.. I’m sorry. I felt fine, I swear, I..” He trailed off, attempting to get his legs to work underneath him. “I suppose I really should be going back to my room now.”

Hide wasn’t able to say anything as a nurse trotted over, panicked, and stole Shuu from his arms. He couldn’t say anything when Shuu stared back at him, eyes apologetic.

He didn’t see Shuu for a few days after that.

Despite waiting at their spot- did people start avoiding this bench now? It seemed like it- there was never any show of the man, nor did he ever encounter him in the white hallways of the hospital.

When Shuu finally did reappear, he was back in his hospital attire, his face gaunt, but with a new addition: a wheelchair.

“They didn’t want me having another incident,” He said before Hide could so much as pick up his pen, a quiet venom in his voice. “It’s like they think I can’t do anything. I’ve been getting out here just fine, haven’t I?”

Hide furrowed his brow. He hadn’t expected him to be so… biting, after what happened.

While Shuu marinated in his pout, Hide rolled his pen between his fingers. He was curious, but was it insensitive to ask?

Taking the plunge, he wrote his question and slid it to him. “Why are you here? What happened? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Shuu’s eyes widened, his lips pressing into a thin line. Hide heard him swallow.

“I.. lost someone, and.. my body doesn’t take well to my grief.” He turned away, unable to see the ache in Hide’s eyes. “I’d rather not discuss.” His tone held something more, locked away under layer after layer. It felt familiar in a way that made Hide’s stomach twist in knots.

They spent the rest of the visit in silence, and Hide yearned for words of flowers.

Days trickle down, turning to weeks. It takes a few days for Shuu to start speaking properly again, to which Hide could assume his depression had swallowed him up once more.

It was a rainy day when they did begin to talk again, cooped up in the cafeteria.

Hide tapped away on an empty pudding cup, feeling the cool air conditioning against his exposed neck and mouth. It was quite a bit after lunch, so thankfully the room remained mostly empty- with the exception of the two of them.

Raindrops streamed down the windows in uneven paths, pooling at the concrete sill. Shuu’s reflection was obscured and distorted beside his.

He turned his head to glance at the man, feeling his hair brush his shoulder- damn his hair for growing so fast. He knew that the dye was fading at this point, but only now did he consider the fact that they probably wouldn’t let him redye it until after his-

His surgery. His real surgery was approaching. His stomach did a flip just considering it. Suddenly, hair dye didn’t matter so much. He rubbed a lock of it between his fingers, hoping to will away the swirling anxiety. What did push away the anxiety wasn’t his own actions, however.

It was the touch of Shuu’s hand, brushing unruly bangs from his face.

In an instant, his vision snapped up, eyes wide. Shuu wasn’t looking at his face- just a bit above, at the dark roots of his hair.

“Health and hope,” He mumbled under his breath, before drawing his hand back. Hide tilted his head, brow furrowed. Blinking, Shuu’s actions seemed to have caught up with him. “Ah- that’s- pardon me.” Shying away, he rested his hands on his lap. “Your hair reminds me of a sunflower, is all.”

A page landed on Shuu’s hands. “Is that what they mean? Health and hope?”

Nodding, he looked back up. “They also mean resilience, and good luck. It’s.. fitting, to you, I think.”

Hide blinked, staring at Shuu with confusion. “With your injury, I mean, it- it’s not something people live through every day.” He absentmindedly touched his face, as if he thought his skin had changed to match Hide’s. “That, and, well.. It’s been nice, the past weeks. You’ve made it bearable.”

Oh.

Something in Hide’s chest stirred. Something familiar, too familiar to the point it made him ill.

He rubbed the back of his neck, giving a dry laugh as he wrote a quick ‘thank you’ on his notebook. He hoped that the terror didn’t show on his face.

But it seemed not to, as Shuu turned his attention back to the window, watching the lighting crash in the distance.

The thought of… this , made his head spin. It was brand new, an uncharted, messy situation that could go wrong in any number of ways. But it hadn’t- not yet anyway.

The one comfort he could take was that it couldn’t possibly end any worse than Kaneki.

And so, swallowing back the fear, he pressed his pen to the page, his anxieties pouring out into the cheap ink.

“You remind me of a morning glory.”

The words baffled Shuu, if his expression was anything to go off of. “How so?” He asked, tilting his head, bangs falling around his face.

“They do that thing where they close up until the sun comes out. You kinda do that. You’re all quiet and closed off until you get to talk about something you like, and then you’re the most charismatic guy in the world.”

He scribbled down an additional note at the bottom, in smaller text.

“And they’re purple.”

He watched as Shuu’s eyes lit up in a new array of emotions, before they crinkled as he began to laugh, a wide smile breaching his face.

It was so full of utter joy , joy Hide hadn’t gotten to witness up until now, that his whole being ached with the need to see him smile again. Not that he was going to acknowledge that at this moment. For now, he joined Shuu in his glee, laughing lightly.

After a moment, the man cooled down from his fit, wiping a tear from his eye. “Oh, oh Hide, mon chéri. You’re a delight, and more right than you could ever know.”

The words were vague, but Hide couldn’t be bothered to care right now.

Their conversations carried on, day after day, but it felt different. Like he had unlocked a new level to Shuu’s personality, after wading through the sickly depression that wracked him.

Not to say that there weren’t days like that, of course. There were some where Hide didn’t see him at all, others where he didn’t say a word, to merely sit beside him in mutual comfort.

The time had made them grow close, of course. So, it wasn’t a wonder when Hide began to notice Shuu’s fluctuating health.

Dips in his stability, going from needing a wheelchair, to being able to trot around the courtyard freely, to nearly collapsing again. The way the pallor on his skin would vanish in a night, replaced with a flush of healthy pink.

The way he never saw him eat, even once. How this only happened after visits from his father, or his family’s servants.

He wasn’t stupid. He had already learned the signs the hard way.

He just wasn’t sure if he was ready to deal with all of this again.

But before he could deal with that, he had more pressing matters- his facial reconstruction.

Despite all his stress- which Shuu had spent a great deal of time soothing him through- his surgery went fine. It felt strange to have a voice box, like something was blocking his throat but not at all at the same time, to hear his voice through a speaker.

The face he saw in the mirror was a vague echo of his own, but it was recognizable in an uncanny sort of way. He was just happy to have a decent portion of his skin back.

In testing it, he found that he tripped over certain words, having difficulty with words that required having lips to sound out. No matter, he’d find a way around it until that could happen. Call him a fool, but he was excited to show his friend the results.

So excited, in fact, that he had snuck out of his room.

The moon hung high in the sky, illuminating his path through the halls as he tiptoed his way around. It was quiet at this hour, perfect to slip away into without notice.

As he arrived at the room, he took in a breath. A part of him felt guilt for going to wake Shuu at this time, knowing that he was most likely dead asleep. Another simply hopped around like a child, thrilled at the aspect of showing off his ability to speak. Regardless of his internal conflict, his hand landed on the doorknob, creaking the door open.

Drip, drip, drip.

The scent hit him first. Thick, coppery, unforgettable. The kind of scent that filled your head, that fogged up the whole room and choked anything else out. And the scene, oh, the scene .

Drip, drip, drip.

Shuu sat on the floor beside his bed, his white sleeves kept pristine as they were rolled to the elbow. His hands were stained, glistening with red under the moonlight. His face was rather clean, surprisingly, but his pale pink lips now donned a painful shade of crimson. The same shade as his eyes, now surrounded by a swallowing black that made them stand out all the more, even in his dazed, starved gaze.

Drip, drip, drip.

Hide wasn’t shocked, if he was being honest. He wasn’t even scared.

Drip, drip.

He was just tired.

Crimson met brown, and widened in horror.

Time didn’t stop, nor did it slow down. They simply both fell still, letting the sight of each other soak in as the clock ticked away.

There was remorse and pleading in his manner, a fear so primal that Hide hardly recognized him, an emotion so vivid in his own memories that it made him feel a thousand times heavier.

Hide held himself, a hand gripped on the doorknob, the other around his own waist, as though one wrong move would have him pierced against the door. In fact, it likely would.

It was just his luck, wasn’t it? He’d eaten his words now, and he was left with the stomachache.

But somewhere, buried in the desperate, empty recedes of a damaged heart, he wanted to try again. Foolish as it was, he yearned for the choice.

And so, he took it.

He released the doorknob, taking a cautious few steps forward. Shuu startled, shifting to stand at an instant, before Hide raised his hands slowly.

“Shuu, it’s okay.”

His voice crackled a bit, dry and unstable in its inflection, but it was enough to halt Shuu where he stood, his eyes flashed a fleeting spark of excitement before being consumed by a wave of shock.

“I won’t tell anyone. Promise.”

He smiled, as best as he could. Memories fought to bubble to the surface, the sound of fighting above, echoes through concrete. But he swallowed them down, closing the distance to sit down on the hospital bed. He patted the seat beside him.

Licking his lips- Hide didn’t bother to watch as they were cleaned of blood- Shuu sat down, like a guilty child, refusing to meet Hide’s eyes.

Hide rested a hand on his.

“Did I ever tell you about my best friend?”

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