#them all i. i dont cry anymore i dont get super depressed anymore NOTHING REALLY HURTS ANYMORE BC I GOT RID OF

[frecklystars]

This is about the commission so you can read this when your ready

It may be difficult, but if you remember what you wanted then you could write your commission in a notes app first so you can take a break if you need to. Then just copy and paste it to them [ive never commissioned someone before but i imagine you have to be specific about what you want]

Then get them to send the painting to a trusted friend to hang on to untill you are ready to open it or you could get it sent to your home and just not open it.

Getting a commission like this could be a huge step for you! but it shouldn't come at the cost of your mental health, if you think that getting the painting is going to hurt you in any way then it's completely reasonable that you don't get it and nobody is going to be mad at you.

[Sorry if this doesn't make sense ive never gotten a commission before so i dont know much about the prosses, but i do hope this helps and uh sorry for the block of text]

Hi sweet anon! 🥰💐 Thank you for reaching out!

Yep you got the process correct! Luckily a year ago I already set everything up, I have my request prepared and written out, I have my reference of my S/I ready in her pretty flower skirt and I have my money set aside... the only thing I really have left to do is hit "send".

With Starscream, he's different, I don't feel panicky/devastated the same way that I do with other TF characters when I'm triggered; I don't get any violent flashbacks when I look at Starscream as often anymore, but now instead I will feel... how do I describe it, this... immeasurable GRIEF in my chest, like this horrible, overwhelming pressure in my chest that makes me sob uncontrollably for several minutes. I think it's because Starscream saved my life and my self ship with him was the most wholehearted, unconditional feeling of love I've ever had with any of my ships I've worked on, and I purchased so many personalized voice clips from his voice actor back when he had those available on cameo which made me feel even closer to the character... and I guess seeing this character now and immediately associating him with my abuser and no longer feeling that Love™ with him just makes me feel so depressed over what I'd lost. And my brain tends to have an all or nothing view of things, so when I see Starscream and think "oh god I miss him, I've lost him", I'll also think "I've lost him forever and I'm never going to feel safe with him ever again" which is what makes me hesitate to spend so much money on a commission. I mean, I know I'm not going to have a panic attack if I view it, which is great. but I know I might cry my eyes out unless if I'm miraculously cured within 4-8 months, but who knows 😅

I really like your suggestion of not opening it until I'm ready! I didn't even think of that being a possibility. I actually ended up doing that with an autograph from Steve Blum, I ordered it in January even though I felt super numb, and when it arrived in the mail sometime months later, I still didn't open it for probably 6 months. I still felt sad when opening it, but at least I waited until I was absolutely ready, and I felt more in control of whatever reaction I'd have to it. And you have made another good point, that this could be a rly good step to healing for me. The therapist I'm seeing for my trauma is constantly telling me I have to get back into the habit of self shipping again, even if it's so hard, I literally have to try to train my brain into remembering how TF used to give me serotonin, haha. I haven't felt ready to draw myself with him yet, but hey, maybe paying someone to make a really gorgeous professional painting of Starscream staring into my eyes lovingly while holding my hands in the soft light of the moon? Maybe it'll make me feel better.

Thank you for your help, anon!!! 🌟✨

#anonymous #asks

[southieparkie]

alrightie venting time

TW: su!c!d3, s3lf h&arm

okay so im in a groupchat aaaand im very excited abt that bc ive never been in one!!! and i was just super happy cause i thought i could make new friends and the whole experience would be worthwhile. um…it’s literally not JSBJSSJ its so horrible i feel like none of them ever listen to me or acknowledge me at all. and today i chimed in on a conversation about chip flavors because, hey, i like chips a whole lot!! so we started talking abt chips and i said i loved barbecue . this guy says to me that barbecue is disgusting, which is fine, i dont really care. then i jokingly say “shut up u like classic chips” cause he told the gc he liked classics. i thought he’d just shrug it off, but he seemed very aggressive. he then stated that he mainly ate black foods (idrk what that means), so i joked and said that that was so emo of him. that was when he fired back with “slit ur wrists” and at that moment i had to pause bc i’ve been battling thoughts of hurting myself and possible undiagnosed depression which sucks. later on after i gathered myself, i reintroduced myself to the group with my new nickname bc i like my nickname alot!! and he responded to that with “hi (nickname), kys” with a heart at the end like it was funny. i proceeded to cry in my bed, cuddle with my squishies, and take an honestly pretty refreshing nap. very sad way to start off a weekend :(

i just felt so useless and vulnerable in that moment. and whats worse is a person who i think is really cool and would love to get close to liked the harmful messages he sent me. i feel like they hate me. and then a few other people were laughing about it. i just feel like the only place i have to be myself and feel safe is here. and im just so scared because here isn’t the real world, and whats gonna happen when i get out there?? am i gonna ever actually hurt myself?? i love such a controversial show, so i cant ramble about my interests like i would with splatoon or super mario anymore to make me happy and gain new friends that like what i like. i just feel like nothing, and if im nothing, then where can i go to feel like something besides on this stupid blog?

(maybe im just being too sensitive. idk)

#not south park #venting #me talking #tw sh implied #tw su1c1d3

[im-always-the-problem-its-me]

i don't know what the fuck just happened

i somehow managed to fuck up SO's birthday and feel awful. ive gotta make a big drive tomorrow night and have to fuck up my sleep schedule on purpose and with how emotionally exhausting this whole day was it's that much more difficult.

i legit started rambling, feeling very 'i'm a piece of shit, what do you want..let's make jokes about how fucked up i am while i detach emotionally when you have a breakdown' like roman fucking roy and then i even said 'i'm roman fucking roy, i don't know what you want from me'.

here's what i think happened: nutshell version because being vague is safer and i'm also tired.

SO has been depressed. i can't do shit about it. i have a bad habit when i'm overwhelmed with my own shit to be like 'let's try to just be super happy and pretend his breakdown isn't happening because i can't handle men crying on the floor because i'm used to men getting angry, yelling or worse...hitting me.' so i avoid. it's a symptom of complex PTSD apparently and also i think ptsd doesn't accurately describe what i have anymore because nothing is 'post'. this shit is happening right now and im constantly triggered because i figured out i'm still being abused and emotionally manipulated by my parents as an adult and i don't know wtf to do about it. i think im going to need therapy again. SO says he thinks he wants to go see one again too.

there's nothing wrong with our relationship. it's individually, we're both fucked up. it doesn't help i have this 'not really, but kind of' a side thing but it's not affecting things here. (im still a piece of shit because if anything its kind of an emotional affair...i dont know...feelings are fine...if i act on them then that's different...this is an old flame too and we're close, always have been...it's just an intense friendship bordering upon dangerous with flirtations but THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE)

'you never shut up' SO said to me out of anger. broke down after he said it even though i agreed even though it stung. i told him don't worry about it. it was true. i need to to not put all my shit on him. that's why i suggested therapy again.

i explained that i don't feel mad or upset by anything that happened tonight..just feel bad because yes he called me out on being emotionally detached and i have been lately because im a fucking mess. i also tend to run from everything so i even told him fuck it, we can move back because it's fine me being a mess but since he's the breadwinner, when he falls apart it's bad for both of us. i'm already on benefits because of epilepsy that's intractible. nothing I can do about that. but he needs to be ok.

he keeps looking at me like i'm nuts but dude, i've been running my whole life. i wanted to settle and stay here forever and i love this place more than any place i have ever lived but look i'm still sick here and i got issues popping up like god hates me.

i'm not even roman roy. i think because i detached instead of wearing it on my face or crying like kendall. maybe i'm a mix of both. i dunno. that show speaks to me on so many levels. i rewatched Hannibal too and i'm just like wtf. then i picked my favorite mommy issues movies to put on.

here's what i know happened: two people who love each other very much aren't doing well mentally but their relationship isn't what's making the other fucked up. it's everything else they have never dealt with making them individually fucked up and tonight it blew up. bad timing. neither of us could help each other. he got rightfully pissed. i am not upset he got pissed and the one thing he said out of anger was a very true fucking statement that put a big mirror in front of my face.

i realized too that i cannot handle a man having a breakdown. he asked why i always just walk away from him when hes like that? well because i don't know what to do with it and also what if it turns into something else and the man is going nuts on me or taking it out on me? i don't know. i'm very fucked up.

i hate victim mentality bullshit. i try not to put stuff on anyone. so i sweep it away like it's not fucking happening and i got called out on that. i don't know how to be there for him. i can't help it i have ingrained weird ideas. i try just not to be a cunt ok? and i don't know maybe i was one tonight? i don't even know. i apologized for getting loud when i did because i had my earplugs in so didn't realize how loud i was and i also hadn't eaten all day and it was making me hangry so my brain couldn't even process anything until after i ate.

a man shaking and crying on the floor because of me? (or what i perceived as being about me?) all i thought was get away from him because you're hurting him and nothing you do is going to make it better...and then it was like i felt like my mom. that's what she did. no comfort for the crying ones...just walk away until it's over. but i'm not his mommy. i'm his SO. he even said 'i don't want you to baby me or anything, just a little comfort would be nice.' he's right. but again, why are you crying in the first place? i'm selfish so i'm thinking 'wtf i'm a mess...now i have to wonder why you're a mess...wtf' and jfc no....i don't know what the fuck happened.

we need to both get some help with our issues somehow or we're not going to make it if repeats like this keep happening. i can't even call it a fight. it was more just a collective breakdown. he went to bed red eyed and mumbling. i'm up exhausted but numb af.

fucking a.

it's good i'll be gone for a day. give us both some time away just to think. well, he'll be able to anyway, ill be cramped in a car with 7 other people for 18 hours. not that i'm complaining. i've gotta do this to help out with bills and plus now i've got an obligation because my mother keeps putting shit on me and didn't even give me a chance to say no and if i don't make this trip a lot of people are out of money so im basically unable to back out even if wanted to. fuck it. i think i'll finally be able to chill next year. i'm going to make myself anyway. get through holidays. have a good time on our concert trip in january. hopefully by them my SO and i are in better places mentally too.

one hour at a time.

#life #writing #bitch im kendall roy #eldest daughter #personal #tldr im fucked up

[glorifiedbones]

i dont know how to apply to a job really, or at least im not super confident in my abilities. my teacher helped me apply to mcdonalds. not you. what good that worked out. i dont even know how to apply to college. it doesnt matter how many videos or tiktoks or people i ask, it just doesnt click. i dont know why. im limited to having opportunities at my fingertips but nothing fucking makes sense. its so frustrating i cry. im crying right now. i could blame it on you for being the parent and not teaching me things, but i just fee that wpuld be wrong and shifting the blame even though its my fault for being so fucking stupid. i would blame you for not helping me but what do i fucking expect. i would blame you for the time i tried to apply to a college and it didnt work out out, but both you and my dad were upset that happened. i should go to a community college and go from there i know you guys are eight but i dont know how i dont know how to i dont know how i cam only watch so kich youtube tutorials before i want to blow my brains out but it doesnt make sense. it doesnt matter how much or how many or different people tell enthings i cant because it doesnt make snese. im so fucking stupid and its so upsetting because i feel like i used to be so smart. i want to kill myself so bad its not even funny sometmes and i try to compensate but putting it off but the trith is it doesnt matter how many years go by i know im going to kill myself it just depends on when and how. i dont know how to be a human in our society and if you cant even function like that i mean how can you really do anything you know? i can only live off my parents for so long and then that gets you where? i fantasize about slitting my throat so often its bliss. everything would be so much better for me and truthfully everyone if i wasnt here. you guys like to think it wouldnt that we all ahve something to live for but thats just fake lies we all tell ourselves because people arent supposed to want that. but i do and im not just being depressing about saying that because its the truth. i dont have anything worth living for no job no friends no super fool hobbies i sit in my room for 24/7/365 days and play video games on repeat. that isnt a life worth living and im not entertaining enough outside of that to be worth it. i cleaned my bathtub and sink the other day and felt so proud of myself i remember feeling so fucking good about myself and now all i picture is bleeding all over the porcelain. i play video games all day and write serial killer smut fanfiction and watch youtube and i dont have any real friends or real connections. all my online friends have other things going for them im not a missed space in their day. i used to get mad at my sister because she left and i felt/feel like she abandoned me. but the truth is she never liked me to begin with and we were never close. i say im happy she escaped but really im just happy shes not like me anymore. shes not depressed like she used to be and she has a husband now and the amazing career that i want. im so envious really. i cant even wish she doesnt have it because im so fucking happy she does. she deserves it. but what do i deserve? do i deserve anything? is it just me being depressed to say i deserve nothing? i shouldnt have even graduated highschool, literally, my mom did my online chemistry class because i couldnt do it and i cheated the rest. why did i do that? why did i chest so often? i wish i sat down and read the books and the materials and did the hard work. but the truth is i did that for so many years and sometime between highschool and middleschool it all stopped making sense. like a sponge so eager to soak up water i was knowledge, but now im filled up and cant take anything else anymore like the sopping wet sponge cant soak up more water. it’s pathetic because you can ring out the sponge and itll be good to go again, but me and my brain? you cant ring out my brain, im just stuck being this ignorant for the rest of my pathetic meaningless existence.

i should brush my teeth and take a shower. im disgusting for how filthy i am. i could just get up and go do it now? whats stopping me? absolutely nothing. i think it comes to point where i could just blame everything on my depression but it comes to a point where i just have to accept that im lazy and disgusting and dirty. im so fucking filthy. i want to scrub myself of these thoughts and feelings and behavior but i cant and i wont ever change. ill forever be stuck as this useless waste of space. im just a money pit at this point. im surprised my mom has put up with me for this long. you could say its because of love but i think its really just because she doesnt want to deal with the emotional fallout and backlash from the family. they would criticize her like the way they do for handling my sister. is she even my sister now? we are blood related but have no true emotional bonds. she hasnt replied to my facebook messages even though shes seen them. we arent family or friends she doesnt know anything about me and she doesnt want too. no. we arent sister and brother anymore but i wish we were. i miss her so bad. i miss being a child maybe if i was a kid again i could try harder. be nicer. be more diligent. but i could do that now couldnt i? anyways; the backlash from the family would absolutely kill whatever false emotions you have built up, for saying you dont care much about what they or other people think the truth is you care more than anyone ive ever met. its sort of cringe really. but i guess we all have our issues. im a waste of space and suicidal and your emotionally damaged. you never should have been a mother i know, you know, but you are and i am a son and it is what it is. i feel bad for being such a bad son. i wish i could have been a better son.

if jesus and god are real i hope hell isnt too bad. i would sit here and hope id go to heaven but im not the type of person that belongs there. but honestly i think hell is too good for me too so where do i belong? where do i go to be punished and corrected again? you could probably beat and torture my behaviors out of me but ill always be this useless and pathetic that doesnt fucking change. its a fact just like the grass is green and the sky is blue. i want to float and i want to be with the clouds and the stars. i want to feel the blood running down my body from my throat i want to feel the suffocating as my lungs fill with my own blood instead of oxygen and i want to feel the numbing pain that i felt from the time i cut my thighs and i want to die. so bad. i dont want to be here anymore. i sont want fo breathe i dont want to feel i dont want to be like this anymore. i dont want to exist but existing means feeling like this and feeling like this doesnt change no matter how much therapy i take or psychiatrists i see or pills i take or food i eat or dont eat or games i play or dont play. feeling like this is just a facet of my life and i would believe harder in god but if god is real why would he make me feel like this? or not make me per say but give me the opportunity to feel like this. so he can pick me back up again when im dead and make me feel whole? or send me to hell to fix me? that doesnt feel right or fair to me. i hope its all just black when i die. i hope its just empty and quiet. so i wont have to think anymore. i wont have to exist or feel pressure or be a waste of space i could just be.

i swallow the lumps inside my throat and sniff up the snot in my nose and feel the sides of my vision go from blurry with tears to relaxed contentment because i write this. it’s therapeutic to me. one day i will slit my throat wide and the blood will spray on the walls and the bathtub water with turn red and maybe ill be wearing my TMG merch shirt. the tan one with the robot on the back. i love that shirt. and maybe ill have a fresh haircut and just have taken a shower too. i used to wish bad things would happen to me and bad things did happen but no one cared still no one cared not really not at all. will anyone care when i carve out my throat? not the performance act but the true meaningful bond of care? no. not at all. one day i will slit my throat and ill bleed all over but today is not that day and when that day comes no one will care. no one at all. no one cares about you james you know that dont you? dont you see dont you feel it like that suffocating feeling on your chest? you can try to hide and pretend im not right but no one fucking cares james be fucking realistic with yourself. shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up. one day i will cease to exist and i cant fucking wait for it i cant fucking wait to die.

#sept 18th 22

[airbenderedacted]

I hate seeing the sun come up when I'm still awake

#just wasting away here bc all i ever do is be a waste :') #but blocking my curtains is no good either bc I've had em like that for weeks and #wakjng uo to some sunlight is good for me.. #but #hhghhhh idk i feel like crying all of a sudden like bro why am i so lonely why do i gotta feel this wayyy #i numbed all my emotions SO WELL i lessened my hyperfixations all my stupid aus and musings and rp ideas and shit like that i got rid of th #them all i. i dont cry anymore i dont get super depressed anymore NOTHING REALLY HURTS ANYMORE BC I GOT RID OF #ALL THOSE STULID ATTATCHMENTS THAT DO NOTHING BUT HURT ME CUZ IM SO ALONE LIKE EVEN RIGHT NOW I DONT #FEEL *THAT* BAD BUT IT STILLL FEELS BAD! WHY DO I HAVE TO ACHE WHHY DO I HA E TO BE EMPTY IT'S NOT FAIR! 😂 #i hate it so much and i hate how much resentment and bitterness i have i.n me even though it doesnt hurt like it could i #i hate not fitting in anywhere i hate how sick it makes me to se e people around me have actual connections with each other #i hate that i used to have that and im probably never gonna have that again j hate hiw horrible i feel over that i hate it i hate it so muc #i hate that this is all a problem because i feel everythign too strongly i have too mucb STUPID fucking love in me #for all tje stupidest meaningless who gives a shit things!!!!! all it does in the end is hurt me all it ever does it hurt JUST LLOOK AT ME #hjate that im fucking bawling right nosw like wtf where did this come from HAH WHERE DID GHIS COME FROM #i hate how everythjng in me has rotted so fucking horribly. just throigh and through. i hate how much ive used the word hate here #god help me lmao #im fine but also no the fuck i am not i judt. keep thinking about how much i suffered before and how it's not like that anymore #and it makes me think im golden because it eas SO fucking bad and agonizing before and now it's like. a 1-2 on a scale of 10 of how bad it #is but bad at alll is still bad any pain at all is still being in pain! even now i wanna be like 'ok but fr its NOTHING tho' shit #anyway the lonelieness andn tesentment is . so many and uhb god i hate that im THIS now inhate that im this #god.

[duckugou]

the blood on our hands

bakugou x gn!reader

aged up!

cw: a n g s t as hell. comfort. cursing, mentions of drinking, smoking, etc. alluding to depression and anxiety. dealing with trauma of missions and losing people. a ton of mentions of blood

this is a heavy topic in the hero universe i imagine- and generally in the mental health world of it all.

lyrics are from purple flowers by ande estrella which hold a very important meaning that has nothing to do with this- they just worked with the story. But fr go listen to it bc its so good.

come to my asks to be a part of my taglist! just let me know what kinds of fics/ what fandom/ what characters/ etc you want to be tagged in! Requests are open!!

------------------------------------------------

reality is heavy and loud

Spacing out was more than being distracted to Y/n. Being a young hero meant stressful situations, overbearing management, tight spaces, stuffy meetings, and so much... blood. It takes a toll on a young person. Of course they wanted to be a hero- wouldn't chose anything else. They grin and bear this shit for a reason- to save and help people.

But god, who saves the heros?

but white has the privilege of washing machines to wash out the stains from their comfortable jeans

Some nights, after wrap-up meetings, everything was a bit too heavy. The usual group of friends and young heroes would choose someone's house to go to in order to destress.

For some, that was smoking. For some, it was drinking, video games, napping, venting, sitting outside alone yet with company. And for some it was merely listening to everyone else.

Not having to make a decision. Not having to be responsible. That's what y/n picked every time.

Bakugou would always notice them alone in the corner of the room. They were the one to come up with destress gatherings after hard missions. Bakugou knew it was so they wouldn't be alone with their thoughts. That's why he would always step in at times like as get them to talk, so those thoughts dont stay trapped in their head.

"Hey." Bakugou muttered, sitting on the floor next to y/n in Denkis apartment.

"Hey."

"You good, dude?" Bakugou asked with genuine concern.

He was always a bit nicer to Y/n. Nobody knew why, yet everyone knew why. They both were fragile and chose to hide it during the day, being strong around others to not raise red flags.

"I'm okay...just. That one was bad. I almost lost that kid. Like she almost fucking- died in my arms." Y/n choked out.

"Hey hey hey, its okay. You got her to the ambulance in time. You did that shit. You always do. You're the best in the game at comforting little twerps." Bakugou attempted to comfort them- somewhat succeeding and holding their head against his chest.

One time, Y/n mentioned that they held kids against their chest during rescues to calm their heartbeat. "If you listen to a calmer heartbeat, you're more likely to try to match it and slow your own down." Of course you wouldn't think Y/n would be able to have a calm heartbeat during a rescue, but they are very talented at controlling their nerves. Part of being a hero.

wiping the blood off their hands to their thighs, wearing the blood of the people who've died

Y/n subconsciously calmed down a bit, Bakugou's ability to remember every word that drips off of Y/n's lips paying off.

"I know. I just can't stop...thinking about everyone I've- we've lost. Its so unfair."

"I know. Hey, you have- uh. Lets go to the bathroom." Bakugou noticed a smudge of blood on Y/n's face and a bit on their hands. Cleaning up was the last thing on their mind earlier on.

"Ok."

Taking each other's hands, they walked into the bathroom. Bakugou sat Y/n on the counter, turning on the sink and grabbing a cloth.

"O-oh god. Thats fucking blood. I thought I washed my h-hands." Y/n began panicking, causing Bakugou to put their hands under the water with soap, washing it all off for them.

Tears mixed with the water from the sink and Bakugou stayed silent. Wiping their face, Bakugou looked into Y/n's eyes. These two have just always known.

They know what people can hide. What secret messages the body language of a person can hold. And he let them grip onto the back of his shirt as he held them in his arms, Y/n not being able to cry anymore and just breathing in his scent from his shoulder.

but dont let the purple flowers fool you

"Listen. We're going to get through this one. I know its hard on you- all of the families involved. But you- we saved them. We're all here for each other right? I'm here for you." Bakugou pulls Y/n back a little to look into their eyes. "You are the strongest one here. I know it fucking hurts. I know it is so...scary-" He sniffles a little, letting his own emotions take over. Something only he did when they were alone together. "- but we're heroes. And human. We are allowed to feel pain and sadness and disappointment- but we're heroes for a reason, right? We can handle this shit."

"I know we can. We always have. Just... promise you'll never leave me?"

"Youre so stupid. I've been more careful lately." He scoffs, wiping tears from his face. He of course knew that Y/n was referring to a few weeks ago when Bakugou got too caught up in the mission and was almost crushed by debris. He was pulled away in time by a fellow hero but it still opened his eyes, as well as Y/n, to how fragile they are, even if they are the heroes.

"I know Kats, but please. You're my rock in here. You're my person." Y/n says looking into his eyes.

"And you're my person. I can't leave you behind. You wouldn't know what to do without me here." Bakugou chuckles, earning a shove from Y/n.

"Katsuki." Y/n starts, holding his hands in their own.

"Yeah." He sighs.

"I don't speak lightly of feelings, you know that right?"

"Of course I know that. You don't talk much about those to anyone-"

"Except you." They interrupt Bakugou, reminding him of the importance of their unspoken bond and making his heart race.

"Yeah."

"Then you'll know how hard it is for me to say this. But- Katsuki I think I love you. I know we aren't super affectionate outside of being alone but- I've never felt what I feel with you before. I understand if you don't feel the same way and if this was all just because you felt bad but I needed to tell you that because you're really important and this is very import-"

Bakugou, in the most cliche turn of events, cuts Y/n off with a kiss to shut them up.

Pulling away, Bakugou rests his forehead on Y/n's .

"I love you too. I thought that was obvious when I never stopped you from saying my first name, idiot." He chuckles lightly.

"I kinda figured you at least liked me-"

"I'm going to keep you safe forever. That means physically and emotionally. No more hiding any feelings from me just because there are people around. Pull me aside. Hold me if you need or want to- I dont care if the whole world sees that. But just- fuck Y/n. I know you feel fragile. I know what it's like to be scared and hide it. I'm your diary now, ok? Always."

"Thank you...Katsuki. Fuck. You're everything I've ever needed. Plus youre kinda cute too I suppose." Y/n giggles.

"Oi fuck off." Bakugou kisses them again, relieved that he can finally be himself with Y/n, that he has them finally.

"I'm your diary too them, okay? I mean it. Anything, any time, say the word." Y/n says lightly, squeezing Bakugou's hand.

"Fuck. I love you."

"I love you too. I love how that sounds coming from you by the way."

"Me the fuck too-" Bakugou was interrupted by a loud yelling-

"I GOTTA PISSSSSS" followed by banging on the door.

"MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK SO FAST THEN LIGHT WEIGHT!" Bakugou responds, recognizing the voice of Denki.

"DONT MAKE FUN OF MEEEE I'LL LAUGH AND PEE MYSELF" Denki whined.

"Let's go, angel." Bakugou whispers into Y/n's hair, kissing them on the head and helping them off of the counter.

#bakugou x y/n #mha fanfic #mha fic #mha imagine #mha one shot #bakugou x reader #bakugou fic #bakugou angst #mha angst #mha comfort #bakugou comfort

[alloftheimaginess]

Freedom (2)

Wordcount: 2519

Warnings: talks of suicide and depression.

DONT NOT READ IF YOU ARE ESSILY TRIGGERED

A/n: this was very hard for me to write and I’ve been struggling with it because I had to pull from real life events and so it was hard but I’m proud of how it turned out

Part 1

"You'll never take me alive" (Y/n) says as her and Peter play pirates and police in his room.

"I will take you dead then" peter says trying to sound serious which makes Tony and Steve struggle to keep quiet as they record from the doorway.

"Argh. You'll never take me dead" (Y/n) says jumping around the cushions that are on the floor.

"(Y/n/n) stop" Peter whines.

"You have to surrender" he says on the verge of tears and she stops.

"I decided that I'm ready to go to jail" she says. "Really?" Peter asks and she nods.

"Yes?" She asks and he pulls out the handcuffs. "Just do it already" she fake cries bringing a smile to her brothers face and she turns to see her dads in the doorway and she sends them a huge smile before putting her attention back on peter.

.......................................................................

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to (y/n), happy birthday to you" The Avengers sing to the 6 year old girl whose grinning from ear to ear, Peter following closely behind Steve as he carries the cake into the living room. Steve sets the cake down and sits down beside her picking her up slightly so she can blow the candles out. Tony recording everything.

"Did you make a wish princess?" Nat asks smiling down at the girl.

"Yes, but auntie Nat if I tell you it's not going to come true" she says giggling.

"You are the best at keeping secrets" she says laying a hand on the small girls cheek. "Cake time?" Tony asks from behind the camera and (y/n) nods frantically.

"Cake time!" she says agreeing with him as she pulls Peter up onto her cushion so they can share the cake.

..........................................................................

"Merry Christmas princess" Tony says running into (Y/n)'s room waking her up by tickling her and she laughs.

"Merry Christmas daddy" she says her voice quiet and hoarse and Tony picks her up.

"Merry Christmas papa" she says smiling at Steve who's behind the camera before she lays her head on Tony's shoulder.

"Merry Christmas baby" he says smiling at her. "Is Peter woke yet?" She asks perking up.

"We are going to his room next" Steve tells her and she asks to be put down and Tony sets her down and she runs out the room wanting to be the one to wake Peter up.

"Merry Christmas Petie" she says jumping on the bed and Peter starts to whine.

"I'm sorry Petie but you have to get up. Let's go open gifts" she says and Peter sits up and she helps him out the bed pulling him into the living room.

..........................................................................

"We have (y/n) and Peter here" Steve says recording them on their first day of school. "What grade are you going to (Y/n)?" Steve asks and (Y/n) smiles at the camera.

"I'm going to third" she says doing a little dance causing Steve to laugh.

"What grade are you going to Peter?" He asks. "First" Peter says holding up one finger and (y/n) starts dancing towards the camera singing one of her millions of made up songs.

"Papa, I can see myself" she says as she gets up on the camera.

"Are you guys excited for school?" Tony asks and Peter and (Y/n) both start screaming, running around the front yard like headless chickens.

"I'm super excited, next week, we uh next week we get to. Next week we are going to have around the world" (y/n) finally gets out.

"You sound super excited for it" Steve says.

"I am, it's the first year petie can walk with me so we can do it together" she says staring directly in the camera wide eyed, causing tony and Steve to crack up.

...........................................................................

"This is my papa Steve and my daddy Tony, they just got back from a super top secret mission doing super top secret superhero stuff" (Y/n) says recording them as they walk into the house.

"Hi" steve says grabbing the camera from her, turning it on her.

"And this is the beautiful (Y/n), looking as beautiful as ever" he says and she turns away hiding her face. "Look at her blushing" he says and she covers the camera the best she can with her small hand.

"I love you" she says laughing and it goes black.

Peter watches the home videos over and over just to see if she's had a moment where her emotions faltered but so far they haven't and that makes him feel even worse because when she showed something was wrong with her, he brushed her off.

"Hey pete, you should get some sleep" Tony says causing him to jump and he turns around.

"I can't make sense of it" Peter says and Tony moves the movies off of the sofa to clear a seat next to Peter.

"I think she left us what we needed to understand in her letter" Tony says softly trying to get through to his son like he has been for 6 months.

"I can't read it until I know that she was happy, that this wasn't something to add up over her whole lifetime" he says looking at the screen just in time for something to catch his eye and he grabs the remote rewinding.

"There" he says standing up and going to the tv.

"Watch" he says pressing play and he slows it down just enough for Tony to catch what he's pointing to and it's a video of (y/n) on her 10th birthday and she was sitting there upset until she seen Steve walk out with the camera and then she perked up to her old self just like in all of the home videos.

He quickly changes it out and puts in her 11th birthday and it's the same thing except she's in the background of Peter being recorded, obviously going through something.

He switches video after video getting the same thing and he switches to the video of the day (y/n) went to college and that's when it breaks him, that's when he knows it's been there all along but everyone was wrapped up in themselves to notice that you were struggling and it kills him.

A sob escapes his lips as he sets the remote down knowing that he could have saved you but he was too wrapped up in doing the things every teenager does. He’s mad at himself because his spider senses didn’t tell him that something was up. They didn’t tell him that he lost his sister.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay” Tony says swallowing hard at those words.

“How can you say that? How can you stand here and tell me that it’s going to be okay? Why are you just pretending that nothing even happened. You and dad don’t even talk about it anymore it’s like you completely erased it from your memory and moved on. You don’t even care about her!” Peter screams, the dam of emotions he’s built up, breaking in a matter of seconds.

“Because it has to be!” Tony yells back and Steve runs down the stairs.

“We have no choice but to let it be okay or it’s going to kill us” Tony yells just as loud.

“You think I’m okay? You think I’m not struggling. I lost my first born, my baby Peter, you don’t think that it’s have any effect on me? You don’t think I have nightmares every night of finding her? You don’t think I want this pain to go away just as much as you do? Peter I am miserable but I have to raise you so I can’t constantly be down about it because if I do you are down a father. I loved your sister more than anything and every morning I struggle getting out of the bed but then I hear you make a noise and I know I have to get up every morning for you. Don’t try to tell me I don’t care. Don’t you dare say that, losing a child is one of the hardest things anyone has to go through and for you to say that when I had to watch my daughter get lowered into the ground, it hurts and I know you’re grieving still, we all are Pete but that doesn’t mean you can snap at me because I’m not grieving in the way you want me to” Tony says calming down.

“Pete” Steve pipes up, getting both of their attention.

“I was where you were right after it happened. Late nights, early mornings. I was going through her stuff, reading her journals, going through her text messages. I just wanted an answer, I wanted to know why she did it. Why she didn’t try to come to us and what happened that pushed her to it. But there isn’t one answer” he says crying, just like Peter and Tony.

“There’s a million tiny little answers and this needs to stop before you dig yourself into a hole so deep you can’t get out. Read your letter Peter and let that be enough for now, let it allow you some peace because peace is what we all need right now” he says picking up the tv remote.

“This isn’t what we need, we don’t need to be doing this because then we’ll only start to remember the negative instead of the positive” he says pointing to the tv and then he turns around, his breath catching in his throat when it’s the video from before you went to prom and you were twirling around the house in your dress and he watches it.

He watches as you grab Peter, much to his dismay and force him to ballroom dance with you, the whole room falling silent as they watch how gracefully you move.

“I’m sorry” Peter pipes up, not being able to keep quiet anymore.

“Don’t be” Tony says turning his attention away from the tv.

“You’re having a hard time and I would expect nothing less, just try to come to us. Let us know when it’s bothering you so we can help you” Tony says and Peter nods, turning his attention back to Steve and they both go over pulling him in to a hug.

A few days later

Peter sits down on his bed, the letter you left for him held firmly in his hands, waiting to be opened and he carefully opens it and pulls out the 8 paged letter, covered in writing on front and hack.

Hey Peter don’t be mad at me. I know if I was still there you would call me stupid and we’d argue until we both started laughing, forgetting what we were even arguing about in the first place. I just want you to know that this is not your fault no matter how much you think it is. When I came to you, it wasn’t to see if you cared, it wasn’t a confirmation of if I should do it or not. It was me allowing myself to vent and I’m not mad, I understand what it’s like to want to hang out with your friends and my love for you remained the same.

Petie. That’s so weird to write because I haven’t called you that since you were eight. The first time I seen you, I knew you were going to be my best friend and I was right. You are my little brother, my best friend, the first person that I truly loved besides dads of course, the first person I had to learn to love and was so glad to have in my life. Don’t stress yourself out trying to figure it out. There’s no point, it’s not just one thing, it’s everything. You, and dads were the lighthouse in my darkness called life for so long but then I started floating further away from you guys and I floated so far away I could no longer see the guiding light, I was alone, It was cold and dark and it became too much.

I don’t blame anybody but myself and I hope you understand that you did not do anything to push me over the edge. You were always there for me, allowing me to do stupid shit to you even when you didn’t want it because you wanted me to be happy. I was living but I wasn’t alive. I died a long time ago emotionally and mentally and my physical body just caught up to that. I didn’t mean to cause anyone any pain and I know I did, I know this will.

Knowing you, you aren’t reading this right away and it’s been some insane amount of months and you’re reading it super late at night but because you’re petie I expect nothing less. I know how much you’ll miss me and I don’t know what happens after this, but I just want you to know that I’ll miss you too and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for any pain that I caused and am currently causing. There’s a false bottom in my bottom drawer, I left something in there for you and I know you’ll never take it off.

Okay this letter is getting super long and I kinda want to end it so I’m going to end it on this note. You are the best little brother anyone could ever ask for, you have brought sunshine into my life since the day you entered it and I want you to use that shine to shine on the rest of the world. Tell Ned that I love him so much, almost more than I love you. Nah I’m just kidding but he’s definitely been a brother to me and I’ll always love you both. The eighth page is a letter I wrote for Ned so I need you to give that to him. I would have separated it but I ran out of envelopes so I had to stick it with yours.

You’ll always be my number one and no matter what I’ll always love you and I hope you can do the same and not be angry with me for leaving you. I love you so much Peter and I hope you enjoy the picture I drew for you on the back of this because it took hours.

Peter flips the page over to reveal a stick figure drawing of you and him, he’s in his Spider-Man mask and you’re in the biggest pair of glasses and you drew the arms to make it look like you were hugging him and he laughs, his tears hitting the paper and he quickly wipes them away drying the paper the best he can and he separates Ned letter, folding it up for him and he stares at the picture a little longer before folding up the letter and putting it in his drawer, feeling a lot better than he has for the past six months.

#tony stark x stark!reader #tony stark #tony stark x teen!reader #tony stark x teen!daughter #tony stark parental imagine #tony stark x daughter #tony stark x daughter!reader #tony stark x steve rogers #steve rogers imagines #steve rogers #steve rogers x teen!reader #steve rogers x teen!daughter #steve rogers x daughter #steve rogers x daughter!reader #steve rogers parental imagine #peter parker imagine #peter parker x sister reader #peter parker x sister #peter parker x sister!reader #stony au #mcu stony #starkrogers #stark

[dyinglaugh]

The place I work at is an international company that looks super great on paper and shows the best face to customers and the outside world. In fact, they suck ass. Like a lot. They want to have robots do thier work and such for them but instead have humans that they work like slaves. No, really. I am not exaggerating. If you are unable to complete a shift, you get points/time taken and when you're in the negative you're fired. Sounds reasonable but when you have medical problems or family emergencies you're still penalized and not excused (you have to use time you have to cover any missed shift time). I have medical issues that can be accommodated but the process is such with this company that it makes you just throw your hands up and quit, so I havent tried (the process is convoluted and arduous on purpose to make workers not want to do this). I have stories from friends who also work here that will make youre blood boil.

1: My coworker has a daughter that is now 7-8years old. When she was 4, she had gotten very sick and needed to go to the hospital and stay for a while to get better. My coworker, upon getting that call at work went to management and requested to leave early as this was at the time an emergency. He didn't have time left (idk why) but wanted to be with his 4 year old child to make sure she was OK. When management noticed he had no time available all they said was "you can go but you may be fired for leaving early with not enough time" (paraphrased). He couldn't leave his job there as getting fired meant no money to buy food, pay the hospital, pay bills, etc. So he was then forced to continue working while his child was sick. (She's ok now though.)

2: Another coworker had gotten a frantic call from her daughter that the family dog (that was in my coworkers life before her daughter was even born) had been hit by a car, dragged by the car, and is now fighting for its life to see its owner before it died, needed her home to say goodbye. My coworker, crying/sobbing that her best friend for many years was going to suffer in wait, went to a manager and explained the situation. Upon seeing that my coworker had no time left to leave early, the manager then made her follow him around to talk to other managers to "see what they can do". The dog died in the street, without her human (my coworker) because the managers decided to dawdle and make her walk with them knowing full well what they were doing. At some point my coworker called her daughter to find out that the dog died while she being dragged around the warehouse with a manager who was "looking for a way to help" when in reality all that was accomplished was a waste of time and a life lost.

3: In order to enter the warehouse, you have to go through security and the turnstiles and then get your temp checked by a thermal camera. The second you open the doors to get to the turnstiles, there are 6-7feet tall industrial style fans to cool your skin temp before being checked. So if you have a fever and enter the building, your temp is reduced by these fans enough so that you can continue to work and make the company profit. They said that its to cool the building down but there are literally hundreds of fans everywhere to do that. So why do these ones need to be placed specifically by the doors?

4: We are encouraged to tattle on coworkers when we see a "violation". Such things include sitting anywhere besides the breakdown or lunchroom. We stand for 10.5 hours. The entire fucking shift. And get in trouble for being in pain caused by this. Also, if we need a bathroom break, we have 6 minutes to do that. This includes getting to a bathroom (2mins), doing your business, and then getting back to where you were. Many people have been written up, including myself (lactose intolerant=bad night) for being "off task " for more than 30mins that shift simply by going to the bathroom a few times. Drink less? The warehouse is typically between 75-90 degreesF (winter versus summer) and quite a few people EVERY WEEK pass out due to heat stress or dehydration, so less water isn't an option.

I dont have those types of problems at the moment where a life will be lost or is in trouble and i hope it never happens. I had heard these stories from my coworkers and I suspect that managers get reprimanded for trying to be lax about the more ridiculous rules. I myself am going through the problem of not being able to apply for medical leave. I'm in the negatives with time as I type this because every single person I've been emailing to fix my system issues in the portal to open a case, has blown me off. I dont know why this company treats the workers so shitty, except they are worldwide and literally every single person uses thier services. I won't say the name since id like to not be fired but I will give the hint that its an online store with the same name as a big tropical jungle. I've talked to managers there that i can tell hate the policies that work against the workers (alot of the policies do) and the good managers are frustrated too.

The system designed by the company is basically like this: low-level worker is promoted slightly and given 50%-100% more work than before with promise of a better pay and such and all they have to do is enforce the policies and step on people to do exactly that. They themselves are still being trampled by the higher ups while being promised that they will get bigger boots to stomp on low-level workers the better they work.

I despise this company so much that I tell every single person the horrors the company will do and will cover up in order to deter them from using thier services. I understand that prices found through this company are better than almost every other company so its just cost effective with people. I dont condemn people for using that company at all actually. Just those who, despite knowing the hardships and harsh treatments of the workers, laugh and still use it saying, " if its so bad why not leave?"

I'll tell you why. Because the company pays ok enough and offers ok enough benefits that we the workers feel trapped. If we leave, who will hire people that have very few skills since they spent years in a warehouse? If we leave, how will we find a better or equal paying job ($15-16/hr starting)? I have hunted and searched for such a job because of my frustration and found absolutely nothing. This company traps workers in a way that makes it so impossible to leave that many fall victim to depression or other mental/physical illness.

Speaking of, I have heard in the half year of working there of at least 3 people almost killing themselves- thats right SUICIDE- due to the stress. In response, the company sends out information and messages and notifications about Suicide Awareness and Prevention. AS IF THEY DONT KNOW THAT THEYRE THE CAUSE. I personally have thought, " if I kill myself, the company can leave me alone. I wont have to work here anymore and suffer almost every night through inconceivable pain without hope of going home". See, I have chronic migraines that put me out of commission for 20 out of 30days a month. Not only have I worked while sobbing and not being able to see or breathe (one of many symptoms I have) I've been forced to continue working until my illness has progressed until I can no longer function. I can't move or see or breathe or hear or anything at that point. I can only focus on one thing and its typically forcing myself to CONTINUE WORKING because the company doesn't care enough to let me leave early. I end up having panic attacks in the bathroom and vomiting due to the pain. This company, as far as I've heard through people I've talked to everywhere, hasn't officially killed people. Unofficially, i had talked to someone that had almost overdosed in order to be free of the company.

Now, I dont include names simply because I'm not a rat or snitch or whistle blower or etc. and because I dont want them to get in trouble for speaking out. I am posting this here because hopefully, its anonymous enough that I dont get in trouble either. I just hope that before anyone chooses to use this company (that has the same name as a jungle), they remember this post. I hope that this is spread everywhere so that everyone knows the horrors the workers have to deal with. I hope so much that someone reads this and chooses to spend that extra dollar on a different website to not add to this billionaires' pockets. Please, repost. Spread this around and add stories of your own because you're not alone. I promise.

#horriblejobs #this is ridiculous #truthbomb #wildthatthecompanyisstillexisting #like holy shit #is this even legal #how is this legal #spreadthiseverywhere #bad bosses #no joke #complete truth

[lesbianrobin]

Im dying to know, do you have any holiday-themed Steve, Robin, Party, etc. headcanons?

god you KNOW i do!!! first of all i celebrate christmas and i dont rly know anything about other holidays this time of year so im just gonna... work on the assumption that they all celebrate christmas, but if anyone who doesnt celebrate or celebrates something else wants to reblog and add their own hcs i encourage it!!! okay this is gonna be so scattered but:

steve never really liked christmas very much. it was always just stressful and he hated having to spend time with his family and he always got like the most generic expensive boring gifts from his parents and it just wasn't really fun... the first christmas he really got into it was the christmas he spent with nancy and after they broke up, he was like oh christmas just fucking sucks!! but then...

that next christmas dustin invites him over for christmas eve and he brings a pie that he bought from the grocery store and claudia thanks him a million times and he wishes that he'd baked it himself so he didn't feel so guilty

dustin gives him a little baseball bat ornament and claudia is like "oh i thought you played basketball!" and steve is like "oh uh i do but i like baseball too :)" and he and dustin kinda smile at each other and steve ruffles his hair and they watch rudolph on tv and steve is like oh christmas.... is good......

speaking of dustin he always starts thinking about christmas gifts in like october but somehow ends up with absolutely nothing on december 20th and he has to run around in a panic finding gifts for the party

he drinks hot chocolate like a maniac... he doesnt drink water the entire month of december it's hot chocolate or it's nothing

hes one of those people who will say "come on it's christmas!!!" on like the tenth

lucas is one of those people who will say "no asshole it's december tenth"

lucas loves christmas!! he just thinks that it's a day and not a whole fucking month!!! he thinks anything before like december 15th is too much

the only thing he hates about christmas is that his parents always make him and erica pick out gifts for each other with no help from them... and since erica is an evil genius she always gets lucas the perfect gift just so she can hold it over his head for the entire year when he accidentally gets her a toy she already owns

she literally watches him open his present like >:) and lucas is pissed when it's this extremely specific action figure that he's wanted for a long time but he swears he never even mentioned it to anybody

and then he just sits there feeling like a stupid asshole as she unwraps a random doll that lucas figured she might like since its hair looks kind of sort of vaguely like erica's and she's like "thanks lucas :) i think i have this one already but it's sweet" and his parents are like "hey it's the thought that counts! erica see your brother knows what you like :)" and she's like "yeah :)" and then as soon as their parents aren't looking she sticks her tongue out at lucas and he sticks his out back at her

the sinclairs have such a disgustingly perfect christmas like they bake cookies together and shit it's adorable

speaking of adorable families the byers house is so full of love on christmas

almost all of the ornaments on their tree are handmade little crafts from when will and jonathan were younger and they buy tinsel at the dollar store and just go fucking ham with it their tree always looks like a hobby lobby threw up

growing up joyce would usually try to get them some things they need on christmas and then like one or two special things for each of them and she could never buy the fancy new toys that were in all the ads on tv and in magazines but she knows her boys.... jonathan got his first camera on christmas and it was from a secondhand store and kind of dinged up and definitely old as shit but he loved it..... will always got some new construction paper and crayons or markers so by the end of christmas day joyce would have new drawings to put up on the fridge or a new little ornament that he made for her.....

sometime in november jonathan would always be like "okay will i have a secret mission for you, you need to find out something mom needs that we could give her for christmas!" and will would be like "you have to say your mission should you choose to accept it" and jonathan would say "well i know you're gonna accept the mission" and will's like "jonathannnnn" and jonathan would be like "okay fine your mission should you choose to accept it" and will would be like >:) im a spy >:)

so little baby will would action roll around the house humming the mission impossible theme and peeking around walls at joyce and then after like a week he'd say "i think mom needs a stool she keeps jumping to try and reach stuff high up in the cabinets" and jonathan's like awesome thanks and he finds a cheap folding stool and some chocolates that he can afford with whatever money he has saved up and he has will wrap it because he figures it's like ten times cuter that way and joyce cries when she sees the little christmas card will put with the stool for her

i'm going way more in depth than i need to thvjdjcd but basically the byers house is all love man... so much love ..... they don't use colored lights anymore they only use the solid strands but they still have fun decorating together and will makes paper chains and stuff to hang up and i'm about to make myself cry

so!! this is getting super long fjvndmcmd

nancy is absolute dogshit at buying presents for people she's just terrible at it. she always just asks mike and holly and her parents what they want and buys exactly what they tell her and if they don't tell her anything then she has like a mental breakdown about it and panics and buys like. a flannel pajama gift set from the department store.

when she's dating steve he tells her not to worry about getting him anything which she takes at face value until her mom asks what she's giving steve like three days before christmas and then she starts panicking and she goes to a sporting goods store and just asks the first employee she sees what a teenage boy who plays basketball might like

steve can't tell if he should be like happy or vaguely offended that his girlfriend gave him like shoe deodorizers and a water bottle and socks for a sports team that he doesn't root for... she tried though and thats all he cares about

she and jonathan agree they'll exchange gifts but nothing over like MAX fifteen bucks which is easy she just finds a tape or a record she thinks he'll like and she's set (she spends a full hour in the music store and almost just gets a gift certificate for him but eventually she just says fuck it and picks some random shit she's never heard of and hopes he likes whatever it is)

mike on the other hand is actually like... insanely good at gift giving because he pays close attention to the people he cares about and he just like Knows if lucas or dustin or will is gonna like something

he just doesnt really buy into christmas all that much?? it's cool to get free stuff and eat cookies and all but he thinks people make it into a bigger deal than it should be

holly still believes in santa though so he likes seeing how excited she gets on christmas... it warms his cold tween boy heart.....

the first christmas he gets to spend with el he turns into a fucking christmas enthusiast and he makes her hot chocolate and gives her a tape full of christmas songs and he asks his mom for a bigger gift allowance because he has a GIRLFRIEND now and she's never- uh, THEY'VE never celebrated christmas TOGETHER so it has to be SPECIAL MOM!!!!

karen is like buddy calm down but it's so nice to see him excited about something again that she caves and gives him like forty bucks and tells him not to tell nancy or his dad

el and hopper christmas... i cannot go into detail or i WILL cry but hopper takes her with him to pick out their tree and she's so meticulous about it like examining all of them and he's just standing there in the cold freezing his ass off letting her do her thing because she's so excited that he doesn't have the heart to tell her they're basically all the same and to just hurry up and pick one

he gives her a lot of books... there are so many books under their ugly fucking tree because el picks one thats extremely crooked because she says it seems nice and hopper cant find any of his old decorations so they have to start from scratch...

el enlists the whole party for help finding hopper a present because it has to be the best present of all time!!!! they're like well what does he like and she's like uh tv.... coffee.... gun...... and they're like uh we can get him a coffee mug?

so on christmas morning el presents him with a "BEST DAD" mug full of candy and he hugs her so she won't see that he's fucking crying

she also gives max a drawing she did of max as wonder woman and it isn't very good but max says it's her favorite present she's ever gotten and she keeps it folded up in her nightstand

max has mixed feelings about christmas

i should not have saved her for last this is depressing

fuck her family fuck all of that okay max spends christmas eve with the sinclairs and christmas day with el because her mom and neil don't really feel like celebrating this year and so for the first time in a long time her christmas is full of love and joy and hopper makes them cinnamon rolls for breakfast which el has never had before and it's great

the party usually does a big gift swap and they don't get each other anything too fancy or expensive but it's sweet... they all gather in mike's basement like the day after christmas and eat the leftovers from the wheelers' christmas dinner and give each other comics and action figures and dice

once robin enters the picture she and steve lowkey get smashed on christmas eve together off peppermint schnapps and they play rockin around the christmas tree like ten times and jump around until they get dizzy...

they give each other little things like every other day leading up to christmas so by the end of december they've exchanged gifts like ten times but it isn't their FAULT okay!!! steve just saw these earrings and thought of her so he got them... and robin couldn't just leave that wham! crop top sitting in the store...... and steve couldn't resist the cheap bff necklaces he found while looking for a gift for erica....... and what is robin meant to do, ignore the stuffed kermit doll she saw in a store window?

it's just unrealistic

i like to think that everybody gathers at the byers house for lunch or dinner on christmas eve... they just hang out and exchange presents and make cookies and watch christmas movies and argue over which ones suck and which ones are actually good...... they just spend time together without any fear or danger and it's good

#stranger things #christmas #god this is so long gifmcmdj #em talks #asks #long post #define-lying

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

#anxiety #depression #latenightthoughts #venting #myreality #mylife #imisstheoldme #shellberightmate #bullshitery #mentalsuffering #mentalhealthissues

[pepperpixel]

thoughts and feelings about. my life below the cut. like depression and shit?? u aint gotta read this shit if u dont wanna lol

warning i basically wrote this post like a fuckin diary cuz i wanted to write my thoughts out. so its super jumbled and messy. pls don’t feel like you have to respond, this is just for me to talk lol. vent some stuff. clear the air of my brain.

these past months since graduating high school I basically haven’t taken a moment to think about anything ever. i wake up in the morning i have like. mini waffles and coffee. i watch a couple videos and then draw draw draw for the entirety of the day. i might eat something else. or i might not, i might drink something else, or i might not. and then i lay down and watch more videos until 3-5 am. i then go to sleep. or i don’t. and then i wake up. repeat repeat repeat. every single day. with a few exceptions. of course i’ve gone out a couple times and had fun. but then i go back home. and do the same thing i’ve been doing. for the past months. on autopilot... over and over and over again. i watch the same videos over and over and over again. i draw and then hate everything i make over and over and over again... and i don’t even have the space to be upset about it... because im always doing something to not think about the stuff that bugs me. its just like im a robot on a cycle.and im not even doing the things i need to do. im doing pointless things. im doing the same pointless things over and over, and i have this constant dread in my heart that everything’s gonna come crashing down on me and i just keep ignoring it. and not doing anything about it. until im laying in bed every night and it hits me. but i still keep not doing anything. and my life continues to be nothing. day in and day out.

anyway... i cried today for the first time in a while, and im actually happy about it.... i used to cry all the time. about everything. and i hated it then. but. i like, haven’t given myself the space or time to feel emotions... or feel human.. in what feels like a rlly long time. and i don’t know exactly how but for some reason today i just started thinking. about all the stuff thats changed in my life that i’ve been avoiding thinking about all these months. and i thought about how it made me upset.. i allowed myself to be upset. instead of just brushing it off cuz im “supposed to be stronger now” because i’ve been to therapy and i don’t have panic attacks anymore and thats all that rlly matters right?? all that other stuff that makes me unhappy can just be brushed aside because its manageable. everyone has to deal with bad stuff. why should i be especially upset about it, just move on, just don’t think about it. sure you’re literally eating and drinking barely anything every day and u get an average of 4-2 hours of sleep each night and u barely feel like you’re still alive but that doesn’t mean anything! this is just what life is post graduation! youre fine!!

so. crying kind of. reminded me how it felt to. feel stuff?? like,, it made me feel normal again. like a real person. which im happy about.. i feel like it knocked some sense into me or something.

i used to write down how i felt a lot too. to work thru my feelings and get them out of my head. i haven’t written down or talked with anyone about my feelings in awhile cuz i haven’t thought about my feelings in awhile... but im writing stuff down now cuz it feels like the right thing to do, its what i wanna do. and i still can’t 100% sort thru all of my feelings. there’s still that vague stale miasma.. the dread of the unknown of adulthood. the worry of being a failure, but. im so happy to have taken the time to just feel some of the feelings that i can sort thru. nothing new bad happened. i didn’t have a panic attack. i just cried a bit and got upset over some stuff i’ve been ignoring.. it feels a little like a break through.. and it made me want to feel more.. honestly.. its better then this awful nothing repetition. i’m gonna try to work on being more human from here on out. thats a weird way to put it but i don’t know how else to phrase it? just, taking more time to breathe. to just be alive in the moment. in real life. not on a computer. ((also, i kno thats a thing dumb old ppl say but like.. being obsessively glued to my computer to avoid real life is part of the issue. im not even doing anything of substance im just.. doing jack shit nothing)) i don’t need to do everything right now. sometimes i just need to sit in my own brain and sort stuff out... and then i can really focus more on the stuff i actually need to do. maybe then i can start really feeling in control of my own life. idk.

anyway... tldr i felt emotions,,, it was a mixed bag.. hopeful for future??

#pepper words #this is a real lets explore peppers inner psyche and shit sort of post #nothing new bad happened.. im just sorting thru some of the old #if u feel like reading about my shit then go wild #if u don't thats chill #i just had to write it down for myself

[jhaymyneutron]

6 years ago, I experienced my biggest failure, or what I thought to be the biggest. I failed a subject that wouldnt let me stay in the course that I was in during that time. I was so depressed that things werent going the way i wanted it to be. It wasnt how i planned it in my mind.

Failing that subject means that I will be having a hard time shifting to the course that i really wanted to be in. (i was in nursing that time, and I planned to shift to PT in the same university) No one will take a Transcript with a singko. Well, atleast that college in the university that i was in. I had zero idea on what to do with my life, I had nothing for myself. I can no longer stay in nursing because I cant proceed with the cut off system because i had 1 singko (also i really didnt want to lol) I only had 2 choices, either I shift to another course that is not PT or leave my dream university and pursue PT in a different school. I didnt like both so I didnt do anything. I was a mess.

Some would say, if you dont want to leave that university then you shouldve just shifted in another course.

My 2 cents:

Nursing wasnt my cup of tea and I failed because no matter how hard i try to study, things werent just working out for me. It isnt just for me exactly.

Therefore, if i chose to go to another one that i didnt like to be in, in the first place, then I wouldve just repeated the same story but im just in a different uniform.

and so I told my parents, I needed a break. I wanted to find myself and think about what i really want to do. I stopped attending college for a year. But i never heard anything dull from my parents. They just smiled at me and said “go ahead. Do what you need to do”

For a year, I did things for myself. Things happened. I had a roller coaster ride of unexpected scenarios, that luckily I was present and I was able to cover for it because I was on a hiatus. A lot of times i felt useless and “patapon” in that 365 days but there are days that I suddenly realize, aside from trying to find myself, I took a hiatus for some unknown reasons and it was already showing up one by one.

Failing and reflecting was new to me, I realized i felt so entitled even when i dont deserve it. Ive been living as a “what i see is what i get” and it wasnt healthy for me, not even for everyone.

The thing is, UST is my dream school and I dont want to leave UST, but also I couldnt stay. Ive been so stubborn, and it only gave me heartaches because what i want wont always work. I’ve reflected so much, and I asked myself a hundred times, will I really just let myself have this heartache, randomly cry at night and think that im not good enough? When I already have the answer in front of my face and all i have to do is explore new environment and have the courage to take it? And so i left.

I went to a school that i never saw, in a place that i was trying to avoid my whole life because it is damn far. But what kept me going? I started with a boring and uninteresting days, weeks and months in this school. But eventually, i met the most welcoming and undesrtanding people in my life. I had this genuine happiness that I wasnt able to get in my former school, in here, I felt that I belong. Professors were accomodating and remembers our name, even asks us how were doing everyday in the hallways. It was more than a community.

After 4 years, I never failed saying “buti nalang lumipat ako” “i went through all those sad times, to get this super saya experience with the realest barkada”. I met people who accepted me not because they were just simply open but because they feel the same. I even met someone who gave me so much to remember, crazy. Funny twists of fate.

Exactly a year ago. I failed a subject. For the first time in 4 years. One subject that held me in becoming an intern. One subject that separated me from my friends. I cried upon getting the results of my exams. The first time my friends saw me cry, i was bawling my eyes and pouring my heart out in the quiet halls of UG. I was crying, not because I failed, but because i cannot picture myself telling my parents that I failed one subject. I am ashamed to be giving them another burden, when im already at the age of giving them the life they deserve.

I cried and cried, until i finally gave my mom a call. I was nervous, but I had to do it.

“Hello?” My mom answered. I was crying silently and cannot utter a word. “Hello? Jhaymy?” i sniffed a of couple times and my mom figured out i wasnt okay. “Bakit ka umiiyak?” I was biting my tongue while i was sitting in the corner of an empty hallway. I couldnt talk but my mom didnt forced me, she was just at the other line listening silently while im crying. Finally, I told my mom “ma.... sorry. Bumagsak ako ng isang subject” i started letting my mom hear my cry. I kept saying sorry that i couldnt count it anymore. I heard my mom telling my dad why i was crying. My dad simply shouted for me to hear. “Okay lang yon!!!! Isa lang yon!” My mom got mad at, because i kept saying sorry “tigilan mo yang kaka sorry mo. Okay lang yon!!! Wag ka na umiyak jan. Okay lang yon, umuwi ka na wag ka na umiyak jan”, my sisters overseas called me and said “its okay, its normal” “but ate, i want to help you in providing already” “jhaymy, its okay. Kaya pa namin. Dalawa kami. Mag aral ka muna mabuti at okay lang yan. Okay lang kami”.

Months passed, i bid goodbye to my friends and sent them to internship, i felt sad but I realized I wasnt ready. I dont know anything. My supposed to be patients doesnt deserve me. I know nothing. And when I repeated another year, I understood everything. I asked myself where I was the whole time the other year. Totally absent minded.

When i went for another year, i met different people. People whom i never thought Id vibe with. My 4th year season 2, gave me so much learnings, and gave me a chance to build new friendships. This year, I met someone who gave me a different vibe. You know who you are, and if youre reading this im probably gonna be shy, but oh well im just stating facts. Never had the chance to say this to you but, thank you. You made me think that im not always the wrong one and that i was patient. Thanks for letting me have a crush on you hahahahahaha i dont know how long this will take but youre really hard to forget hahahahahahah. Bye. And so if i didnt take another year, I wouldnt have met this great person and i have never been more thankful.

My last cent, whatever happens, it happens for a reason. You may not instantly know why it had to, but one day you will be able to say why it did. And you will smile like a fool for realizing that you took a different way somewhere over the years. but finally, you came in to the perfect place.

[jellyfishdooter]

LISTEN

I HAVE VERY LOW IMPULSE CONTROL

In spite of the current community fire I give you this Rise of the Guardians AU

Character explanations/ mini story under the cut

So after watching Rise of the Guardians (one of my fav animated movies) I got the idea for an AU where the egos are like the Guardians of the JSE community.

Their designs are based off/ inspired by the characters in the movie but instead of just drawing the egos as those characters, I more so let them inspire re-creations of their outfits/ powers

Chase: Jack Frost- Guardian of Family

In the beginning he doesn’t see himself as a guardian. He’s a screw up, a washout. But even through his depression he tries to make others happy before himself. He does this by having fun and trying to get those in the community to join in with him! It’s later on that he realizes he has a part to play and that his is making sure everyone is still together as one big community. He’s here to remind us that in troubling times that we all have each other- that we’re all family.

JBM: Santa- Guardian of Hope

Being the super hero of the group, it’s JBM’s job to protect the innocent and give off the appearance of being something people can depend upon- someone who can protect everyone from danger. He helps the community become strong and makes them laugh along the way (even if he has to make a fool of himself to do it, he loves our smiles)- he gives them hope.

Marvin: Tooth Fairy- Guardian of Creativity (Sams: small Tooth Fairies)

Much like tooth fairy in the movie, it’s Marvin’s job to collect fanart/ fanworks and store them so when the community forgets all that they have built together, he shows them. Not only that, he inspires the content creators and represents their passion for their art. And it’s what he protects. (Along with the help of the little Sams who are the ones who actually collects and re-distributes it so everyone can see what they’ve made.)

Jameson: Sandman- Guardian of Positivity

Arguably one of the most important guardians of the community, JJ is there to remind people the importance of PMA. In his own quiet ways, he encourages the members to think on the bright side- or is just there to give hugs and be there for them. Whenever someone is in such a dark place, he uses his powers to show them that they still have so much potential and that they’re not alone. He give them a light in a dark place to hold onto. (Yes, he uses sign language AND the sand symbols for those who don’t understand sign)

Schneep: Bunny- Guardian of Health

Being the good doctor of the group, he’s there to remind the community to take care of themselves. Yes he may be a lil aggressive in the way he gives out advice, but for a lot of people they need their butts a little kicks to get them moving to help themselves. But not only physical health, he’s also willing to sit down and talk about mental health and analyze what the problem is/ works to help you understand how to improve yourself.

Anti: The Boogieman- “Guardian” of Fear and Chaos

And last but not least, our dear little firestarter. For so LONG he’s waited, waited to be in the spotlight. Before the other egos show up it was just him and it was delicious. He had so much power as he fed off of our fears, insecurities, and of course the headcanons and theories we made about him. But then Jack HAD to make more egos and fill the community with positivity and light. So he sunk back and waited for his opportunity- he waited for his powers to grow strong in the background. And with all of the hints being dropped and community fueling the fire in a continuous positive feedback loop, he gains more and more strength every day. He reminds the community not everything is peachy and rosy. That there are awful things in the world and how you’re just a tiny ripple in a storming ocean. Insignificant. He doesn’t want to stamp out the community- that would be counterproductive. No he just wants them to feel fear for the channel- that nothing is safe anymore- at any turn he could be there. And with that everything always comes back to him.

And sooner or later, the others will fade away...

Extra Headcanons/ Tidbits:

Before they were all guardians they were other people. (TW: death and suicide mentions) -Anti was a reckless criminal and one night his “friends” betrayed him, leaving him behind which wound up being the end of him. They were running from the police and were trying to jump a tall fence when his comrades left the struggling man behind to take the fall. He did in more ways than one. -JBM was just a regular dude, but he sacrificed himself to save a kid getting hit by a bus in the city. Even though he was about to die he kept asking if the kid was okay. The medics told him he saved them and that’s all he needed to hear. -Marvin was a street magician in his time. He did tricks to cheer up people sitting on the sidewalk/ sitting alone and talked to them about their passions. Later the same people would come back and tell him about the new job they got or the current project they were working on. He pulled a teen off the side of a bridge and a local cop mistook it for him attacking her and.. well.. things escalated quickly -Henrik was an upstanding surgeon. He saved lives every day in his career. Even though his wife and child left him, he worked every day to become a better doctor and continued to save people. And after the surgeries he would personally counsel the patients to make sure they were okay physically and mentally. But one day.. they didn’t have a matching organ for the patient on standby.. and he knew he matched the credentials. -Jameson was a small movie star in his time. And when he wasn’t filming he went down in quiet to lift the spirits of homeless children and teens. He would put on small performances and then go around to each of them and comfort them if they said it was okay. He made sure by the end of his visit they were all in high spirit. But one day the filming studio caught fire. The smoke damaged his lungs so he couldn’t call out before the building collapsed. -And Chase... He had a loving wife and two kids who he cared for with his life. He vowed to himself to protect them, even though his wife turned into a bitch as the years went on. One night they were walking home from a day at the amusement park and Chase got jumped with his kids nearby. The criminal threatened to kill the kids if Chase didn’t comply. So to protect them, he did as the criminal said, handing over his wallet and watch and phone. And when the criminal was about to kill one of them anyway, instinct took over and Chase knocked the man down and knocked him out- but when he fell the gun went off

The lights on the globe are the septiclights, each one representing a person in the community

Instead of holidays, the guardians help in the background of charity livestreams and videos to give them that little extra spark.

Sean is the equivalent of the Man in the Moon

The extra fan-made egos (like Robbie, Shawn, Angus, and Bing) are still around, they just aren’t the big guardians.

If they were tho... Robbie- Guardian of Innocence, Shawn- Guardian of Voice, Angus- Guardian of... idk, Protection? Or maybe head cannons lol, Bing- Guardian of Online Connections

When too much of the community becomes afraid/ depressed, the guardian’s form changes (like in the movie) before they disappear -JBM: Becomes weaker, probably needs his glasses to see again, basically turned into a comicbook nerd -Marvin: Loses a lot of his color, magic goes away, turns into a cat? -Henrik: Hands continuously shake, gains a stutter so people can hardly understand him, becomes super paranoid/ closed off -JJ: His colors fade to black and white, it’s really hard to summon his powers, always about to cry/ wants to scream -Chase: Goes into a low state of depression, isolates himself a lot -Anti: His bravado diminishes- basically turns into an edgy teen with spasms instead of actual glitches, wound on his neck closes.

Like in the movie there’s a point where Anti takes over (like right now) and everyone’s powers start to fade

To make this angsty(er) he manages to kill JJ and he disappears, along with the light of positivity in the community.

Chase blames himself for not being fast enough to save him

To turn thing around Henrik suggests a charity livestream to promote a mental health organization. So they all work together to prep

A young community member somehow gets into Henrik’s realm

Memes and shenanigans ensue

“We spend all our time trying to protect the community, we don’t HAVE TIME-... for the community..?”

Chase runs off after young familiar voices calling out for their daddy

Chase ends up in Anti’s realm of fear(the opening is in the woods under an abandoned computer desk). It’s a series of twisted hallways bathed in red light and entire walls of glitching computer screens that cast weird shadows

When Chase gets out he realizes all the equipment is destroyed and he wasn’t there to help

Henrik blames Chase and sad dad runs off.

The community is plunged into a state of fire and fear and there’s no positivity anywhere to be found.

Except one last light...

A fan is talking to a Sam plushie, saying that yeah they understand why the stream COULD have been cancelled.. but everything in their life is just so dark they were really looking forward to it.

Chase finds them and uses his powers to make images of septic lights and funny moments in Jack’s videos

They realize it’s Chase who’s doing it and can see him

All the egos fight Anti with the help of a few community members beside them- giving them power to fight back.

The members bring back JJ

JJ kicks the ever living shit out of Anti with the help of the others beside him Okay I think I’ll stop here XD If you read all this... wowie!

#my art #jacksepticeye #rise of the guardians au #ROTG au #septicart #jacksepticeye egos #pma #septics #chase brody #jackieboy man #jameson jackson #jj #marvin the magnificent #marvin the magician #doctor schneeplestein #henrik von schneeplestein #anti #antisepticeye #digital #sketches

[kadywicker]

ugh sorry for Depression posts but i need to vent bc i dont have anyone to vent to (i have friends but like its not to the point that i feel like i can talk about this stuff w out feeling like a burden)

tw for csa vagueness bc im in a fucking spiral babes ! :)

but like... my dad was super abusive growing up in a number of ways & like. ive been very off about it today bc of a) discussions earlier today which were necessary but brought stuff up and b) got a stupid trigger from a post earlier today. so being stupid i looked at his fb and like now i want to throw up bc hes all “i miss my baby girl” and i literally want to like. scream. like not only am i not a girl which hes well aware of but like any time he calls me “his” anything i literally want to scream and punch something.

and like to top it off theres only one person on that side of the family that will even fucking speak to me anymore, my aunt. and like. she’ll talk to me and tell me she loves me etc and thats great but shes in the comments like “i know you do :(” and i’ve TOLD her what he did but she doesnt! care! none of them care they dont believe me literally no one except my siblings believe me about it. my mom tries but she cant get passed the fact that she was around and i didnt say anything bc she feels guilty so shes always trying to pretend like nothing happened. she doesnt talk to him at all anymore and hasnt for years but like she’ll always ask if im ever going to reach out to him or forgive him or if i still “think something happened” and its like...... i literally just want to cry. i just want someone to listen to me and believe me and this is EXACTLY why i didnt fucking say anything at the time! this is literally why! ive lost an ENTIRE side of my family that i was close to growing up bc i told the truth and they took his side over mine

and its so frustrating bc not only does he still feel like he has this claim over me (literally i cant fucking stand that “my” shit like literally when i left he got drunk and sent me a ton of texts saying like “youre MINE and you always will be. MINE” and like i literally cant think about that without wanting to die) but i dont even fucking have anyone to talk to about it

i got really drunk a couple weeks ago and tried to talk to my mom about it and like she just shuts down and i just... really fucking hate it. so! sorry im venting i just...... have so much pent up shit and todays been really really bad and i just need to get it out you know

#james.txt #csa mention #hhhhhh anyway sorry about all this i just need to vent #i have! no one to talk to! so!!!! #and i dont just wanna put in a google doc bc that feels fucking stupid

[ellerevelle]

okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order: 

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home. 

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy. 

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh. 

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead. 

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her. 

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me. 

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it. 

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face. 

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked! 

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many, 

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon. 

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise. 

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to. 

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else. 

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE! 

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love. 

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer. 

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane. 

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat. 

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories. 

I only like my own brand of cigarettes. 

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid. 

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc. 

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam. 

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post. 

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something. 

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy. 

No, I have become recently lazy. 

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

 #depression! 

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart. 

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE. 

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but. 

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened. 

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life. 

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out. 

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner. 

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run. 

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh. 

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin. 

I need a job. 

#fml

[ast-heljar]

tw abuse

EDIT: On a computer, added the read more. I know they only work in the app about half the time, so I left in the spaces.

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so my mom decided we cant cook in the house any more so we are looking for a new place to live. Nothing I could say about the situation sounds the same out of context, but it all boils down to the way patterns of abuse move through generations.

It just makes me think about how... if you want to change something in a drastic way it has to be on purpose. It isnt impossible, its just a decision that has to be made.

I work really hard to unlearn the behaviors I was taught by my family (or learn things I wasnt taught by emotionally shallow people), and right now Im really frustrated because living with them means resorting back to things I dont want to do anymore. I dont want to make myself small anymore. I dont want to go unheard anymore. I dont want my illnesses to be disrespected anymore-- they have limits! I cant clean like my sister can! Im exhausted after working 8 hours, but I have to work 10!

Im tired of my family thinking everything is okay because they dont get violent like their mother did.

Im angry and I was never taught how to manage anger effectively. Im not an angry person naturally, and I dont destroy things get violent, but i feel like anger is the only option left for me. Im not allowed to be upset. Im not allowed to be tired. I have adhd, im autistic, im depressed, i have anxiety AND PTSD.

Im so done.

Ive worked hard. I was an alcoholic and now Im not because I. WORKED. HARD. I got help when I needed it. I go to therapy, it doesnt work out, I become my own therapist. Its not easy. Its painful. Its slow. I still talk to a therapist. Ive been able narrow down 3 diagnosis as one problem. My ADHD is bad yall. Im trying to get more help.

I do this for me. I do it for my wife. I do it for the six kids I want but probably wont be able to afford to have. I do it for my dream life of a little goat homestead and little queer youtube channel where I can cry about being queer and look at my baby goats and my ducks and the purple breadloaf I made.

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN MAKE PURPLE BREAD WITHOUT FOOD COLORING??? I DONT WANT TO HATE MY LIFE I WANNA MAKE PURPLE BREAD!!

Im tired of wanting to die at every little inconvenience. Then I discovered that I dont want to die at all what I actually want is for other people to carry their own emotional baggage instead of handing it to me. I want people to feel something for just me instead of doing all the emotional work for them. I want to be the center of all the right attention that Im not getting.

Im tired of feeling like the only way I will get it is at my goddamn funeral.

I dont want to be at odds with my wife because her coping method is to shut people out and mine is to get loud. I dont want to be angry that our trauma means reacting in ways that oppose supporting each other.

I want to be healthy. I want to be happy.

The good news is that our budget can afford 800$ a month in rent. The bad news is that that I dont know if we will be able to find a place for that price close enough to work. or more acurately find a place for that price that will take our money because even tho I have a really good stable income my renting history is less than ideal.

Two ladies at work are so nice tho. I came got a hug at lunch from one. The other is helping me find places to call after I told her we really needed to move out as soon as possible.

Ive also never procured my own apartment before and Im super intimated. All ive had are abusive property managers.

Im hurting yall. im tired. and i still have to figure out how to feed us.

#tw abuse #tw caps #tw suicide mention