#this happens like every year

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[patrickztump]

got an ipad so i had to draw my son in his many positions of rest

#patches #domestic shorthair #digital art #things i make #catblr #i got an ipad last year but took it back because my wacom had started working #well between then and recently the wacom has made decisions to do all but work #making it where i would have to go deep into the guts of my computer to delete every associated file and reinstall the driver #just to get it to work. happened multiple times and support was like ‘weird. just use this old update indefinitely’ so like. that isnt ideal #so i got an ipad (again)

[untitled-gem]

no i cant let the animal jam fixation take over me again. i can afford a month of membership but i havent got anything to play it on anymore.....

#animal jam #this happens like every year #well before flash shut down at least

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

#sherlock #it might be the cough medicine but I'm really feeling the bbc sherlock wedding episode today #a good feeling ₍՞◌′ᵕ‵ू◌₎♡ #like finding an old block of cheese in the back of the fridge you forgot about and its gotten super hard and chewy #i currently have half a block of gouda curating in the vegetable cupboard #waiting #how are you doing friends!! C: #I'm good! I still have the cough but I also got a new scarf #I'm still thinking about buying window colors as well but I am waiting if that is also just because of the cough medicine #I can't believe it's already been a year since I have moved! last year I was doing everything here for the first time #and now everything is happening for a second time! that year was both very long and also happened very fast #our floor in the “office” my father wanted to install still is not completly done but he threw up last time he tried #he did not threw up because of the floor but because every time he does a home renovation project he drinks 3 liters of Cherry Coca Cola #we are trying to not make him drink 3 liters of Cherry Coca Cola but he doesn't want anyone else to finish the floor I think so we just do #not mention the hole in the floor #have a nice autumn day friends!! I hope you're doing well! ( ´͈ ◡ `͈ ) #♥

[martuzzio]

ETHO!!!

#hermitcraft #my art #ethoslab #saw pictures of little kid kakashi and went oughghghhhhghghhghh [passes away] [revives to draw Etho] #Naruto AND Hermitcraft my beloveds #I've been doing nothing but drawing this man. This happens at least once every year. Like a bird molting or somethn

[wild-neko]

disabled people: we are still dying, can you please just wear a mask to the grocery store and doctor’s offices so we can live

conservatives: no, die or stay inside all day, no one cares

leftists: no 🏳️‍🌈✨💖

#wear a mask #covid #sars cov 2 #disability rights #eugenics #disability pride month #lgbt #it really is like this :') #queer #pandemic #ableism #disabled queer #auspol #me not ever being able to share the same air with anyone ever really does something to your mental health #trying not to die in the ongoing pandemic #wear a fucking mask #we would actually like to access third spaces too #we just lost 100 years of disease prevention bc govt propaganda worked a little too well and gave every single medical person brain rot #they went from 'do no harm' to 'actually i think you should quit complaining and allow me to kill you with airborn aids' #which is happening EVERYWHERE BTW and it made it to the media that an aust hospital COVERED IT UP like this is what we're dealing with #this is what modern day eugenics looks like and no one gives a shit #Ableism #HAPPY NEW YEAR #pride #LGBTQIA #activism #acab #comrades dont spread the plague and make public places inaccessable

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

i think it would be funny if people occasionally arose from the dead. like if that was a real-life one-in-a-million but well-documented Thing That Sometimes Happens, and the entire legal system around death (laws on inheritance & marriage & murder etc) had to include caveats for the unlikely-but-scientifically-possible event that the dead person in question might spontaneously self-resurrect, even years or decades after death. it would raise so many inconvenient and absurd possibilities

#imagine the legal system in that timeline #property laws and inheritance laws and bigamy laws--what happens if your spouse resurrects 10 years after they die? #think how AWKWARD that would be #what happens if you inherit from someone who comes back do you have to give the inheritance back? what if u used it to buy stuff? #does the jetski u bought with the money your grandpa left u 15 years ago in college now belong to grandpa? #or is there a statute of limitations? #if the guy you got convicted of murdering returns from the dead does your conviction get changed from murder to grievous harm? #how is the grievousness of the harm measured? in the number of years the guy spent as a corpse? #what if you spend 20 years in prison and the victim comes back to life and it turns out grievous harm would have landed you only 5ish years #do you get reimbursed for the extra 15 years u spent in prison? #what is the legal process for proving you have come back to life? #what are the minimum legal requirements for establishing a revenant's identity? #does it become regulation to make fingerprint/dental records of every single person who dies just on the off chance one of them comes back? #what happens if it's someone from like 300 years ago? #the world has changed and everyone they know is dead. is there a social services department that can help with that? #there would be a whole branch of counseling services for people who have reanimated or had a loved one reanimate #grief 2.0 counselors

[otaku553]

Ok so I have been stewing this crossover au in my brain nonstop for the past few days and. I am nothing if not committed to the bit, so. Volume cover redraws :)

Here are the originals:

If you want to read more about my one piece spy x family crossover, keep reading!

So the idea is simple! Crossover reincarnation au where ASL is reborn in Spy x Family. They’re each born separately and none of them are born with the same names as their previous lives, and with no way of finding each other, they each find their own thing to do in the world.

Sabo, too used to the dangers of being a spy, eventually finds a cause to devote himself to again, in preventing war from engulfing the country he was reborn in. Ace, drawn to fire as he was in his previous life, used arson as a means to rob rich people for sustenance and survival, and is eventually scouted and hired by Garden as a fire specialist and assassin. And Luffy, though born in perhaps the poorest condition, grows up happily and takes whatever part time jobs he wants to do.

The thing about Sabo is that, as much as he seems like a young man of good repute and high standing within society, everyone in WISE knows that he is a massive nuisance. Nobody knew in the beginning how a child less than half the age of most of their veteran agents could have the same skills and knowledge in their profession. Sabo was— and still is— hyper competent, and by the time WISE figured out just how much of a menace to society he was, it was too late.

Ace forgot for the first few years of his new life that he wasn’t made of fire, and consequently, received multiple accidental burns. This did not deter him, however, from growing up to be a very skilled arsonist, well-practiced in every which way to start a dumpster fire or house fire. As a teenage he would use this often to draw attention as he robbed rich people blind. When he was caught, he was given an ultimatum by Garden: join them and receive payment for starting fires and causing problems under contract, or face the government and authorities for his crimes. Begrudgingly, he joined Garden, but eventually comes to appreciate that he can make substantial money in his element.

Luffy is Luffy. No telepathy or experimentation, no fancy schools, no gimmicks or secret identities. But he has still lived an extremely colorful life in this world, full of fascinating and kind individuals who have helped him grow up healthy and relatively happy. He goes where he is free, and he takes whatever part time jobs he wants in order to make the minimum he needs to survive.

Ace and Sabo find each other first, in their late teens, and neither of them realize that the other remembers their previous life, but both refuse to separate. (Sabo thinks Ace doesn’t remember, because Ace didn’t recognize him. Ace never saw Sabo grow up past 10, however, so he doesn’t recognize older Sabo immediately. By the time he does realize who exactly Sabo is, Sabo has backtracked and pretends to know Ace from a dream, or from somewhere else.)

Sabo’s attachment to Ace, predictably, causes problems between Sabo and WISE, but by then, Sabo is indispensable to the organization, and they make an exception for Sabo to be able to remain with Ace, so long as Ace never finds out what Sabo’s actual job is. Ace, on the other hand, hides his job because he doesn’t want his brother, who he has just found and who does not know Ace well enough yet, to know that he makes a living from killing people.

And they find Luffy sometime afterwards, prior to the beginning of the Spy x Family canon. Luffy figures out, not long after moving in with his brothers, both of his brothers’ secret occupations and the fact that both of them remember their past memories. He thinks it is common knowledge, however, and so he never brings it up.

#one piece #spy x family crossover #sabo #monkey d luffy #portgas d ace #crossover #I have so many ideas for this au #I’ll probably write like a drabble series for it #maybe. if I get around to it #extra things: #Loid and sabo get paired on a nonzero number of missions as siblings #they are only 6 years apart in age and they’re both blond so WISE is like.. ‘it’s free real estate’ #every time this happens sabo finds a way to sneak into conversations that they’re actually cousins instead #this annoys loid a LOT because he thinks sabo can’t keep a cover to save his life. sabo is aware but he only has 2 brothers #and even in disguise he refuses to let someone else take ace and luffy’s place #ace’s codename within Garden is either ‘flame lily’ or ‘pyracantha’ #the latter being another name for the firethorn plant #yor has only heard of him in passing and has not met him in person before. but she knows that she is sent whenever he blunders and lets #someone see his face #Luffy is kind of just chilling! he takes a lot of part time jobs everywhere #to the point that loid is briefly worried that he’s a tail or stalker or something since he keeps seeing luffy around #Anya really loves playing with Luffy though because luffy has such vivid thoughts of the ocean and being a pirate #ok that’s it for now #I am very. brainrotting

[lonely--seeker]

Practise vs Improv

Happy valentine, sending y'all kisses and hugs

#mob psycho 100 #mp100 #serizawa katsuya #reigen arataka #Serirei #Someone should write a fanfic that goes like this (<- happens to be someone #i'll try to fit it into last year draft why not #my art #i was thinking about the times I'd go on dates for valentine with a friend #not that we called every hangout a date but still. it was a special valentine's date

[bookwyrminspiration]

I love how we've accidentally cursed our good friends Jonathan Harker & Co. to live stuck in an inescapable time loop

#dracula daily #re: dracula #like we've made it a yearly thing. and since the year isn't dated in the novel #well. now the events happen every year #and all our good friends are stuck in a perpetual loop

[macksartblock]

beware of burnout it's so real i'm afraid

also bc ended up making my writing into a font to avoid killing my hand as much and bc I saw Caden do this, I thought it would be fun to see who y'all think it suits lol

#trust me i am working my way out of it lol #dndads #dungeons and daddies #normal oak swallows garcia #hermie the unworthy #oakworthy #once again i find them really funny being so dysfunctional #and no there is no step prior to the inevitable breakup it just happens #this is just how they are throughout college (they do not talk post graduation the reunion is the 1st time they see each other in years) #lincoln li wilson #taylor swift dndads #hero oak swallows garcia #ik i didnt write out like every character i could have but i was distracted by giving my brother impromptu sewing lessons #i didn't expect that to happen he just kinda showed up like 'I know you'd love to help me with something' like who told you that?? #my artwork #edit: I wrote reignite wrong are you kidding me dugjxghshzs it was 4 am oh well

[lazylittledragon]

discussion: would gale accept only getting a few decades with his partner because he’s a squishy human OR would he go the lich route a la barry bluejeans

#ramble #bg3 #gale dekarios #today i realised that gale would only get 40-60 years with cyra and she’d have centuries without him and i got sad #i’m v curious what everyone else thinks??? #bc on one hand he was very willing to just explode but that was probably a guilt thing? #but also i feel like. he wants to do more stuff #maybe i’m just not over barold j. bluejeans turning himself into the essence of his magic to be with his elf wife forever idk #if i had a nickel for every time i became deranged over a human wizard with a rabid elf wife with red hair #i’d have 2 nickels which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice

[oh-gh0st]

hiii i come bearing more art ^_^

mostly shadowpeach and mk, then mk with an oc in the last one

#ghost's doodles #lmk posting #lego monkie kid #lmk #lmk macaque #lmk sun wukong #lmk mk #shadowpeach #lmk oc #i keep saying this but i keep forgetting this blog exists. it happens every couple of months to a year lol #i have more drawings but im saving them for bigger projects or to share between friends #the oc in the last one i've developed so much. i have the backstory and how they would tie into current seasons laid out 😭😭😭 #i pray to anything we see more mystic monkey mk in season 5. also how does everyone feel that it's going to be dropping like. Soon #folding my hands. my art style is inconsistent but idgaf (is also losing the idgaf war) #im not dead im just kind of floating rn..... if that makes sense lol

[triflesandparsnips]

hey so friendly reminder

stede gives *full body* kisses

#I love it when actors just go full-body like that #because yes kisses with LOTS OF SPACE in between is a thing that happens! #but they're not the *only* kind #and there is a *very particular message* about a full-body one #especially on screen #and that message is #'somebody said we must live in two separate bodies - but my skin says it misses you - #and my blood remembers when it ran through both our veins - #and every part of me just wants to prove a motherfucker wrong - so let's kiss #and kiss - #until our bodies become one again - #and we can finally take a full deep breath of air #instead of the lonely half-measures that sustained us #for all the years it took to find our other halves again #(...which tbh is kind of a lot for one man's hip-to-hip full-dick action kiss to accomplish but like. I calls it like I sees it) #our flag means death #our flag means death s2 spoilers

[1captainjordan4]

People seemed to like my boatem immortal au so here is them being silly

#Hermitcraft #Boatem #mumbo jumbo #Goodtimeswithscar #My art #Lat #I wanna make moreee #I got like #Events that happen every 100 year when theyre together #And also some events that happen inbetween with just 2 or 3 of the members #Theyre silly #Boatem immortal au

[iridescentoracle]

i am so obsessed with how like. taken as read the ot3 are at this point. like on the one hand it feels like they've been building up to this for ages but on the other hand it kind of feels like i blinked and we skipped right past some Major Turning Point where everything got spelled out and we're just already in firmly Established Relationship-land. obviously tarvek is too well-protected for anyone to assassinate openly, look how angry his boyfriend and girlfriend are at the idea of anyone threatening him. at this point i'm half-convinced agatha's just going to refer to her boyfriends in passing to someone else and no one's even going to comment on it until van finds out twenty pages later and immediately starts making everyone pay up

#girl genius #i just. the matching frowns. tarvek's deliberately-foppish not-quite-innocent shit-eating grin and folded hands #i'm obsessed with this panel i'm obsessed with this page i'm obsessed with this entire week's comics #and everything that everyone has chosen to say about these three since. man i don't even remember. october? #when was the comment about albia worrying colette will join the polycule i forget #i mean and also everyone has said about these three ever. violetta telling gilvek to stop flirting lives in my head rent free #but the entire last month has just been. i am Reeling what has HAPPENED #i was ready to live off the group hug for the next YEAR and every comic then has felt like a brand new brick???? #except for krosp and norville's grand adventure which. well that also felt like a set of bricks but very different ones #also i'm only half-convinced bc a) agatha *is* awfully good at big dramatic speeches #and it's still hard to imagine the Big Relationship(s) Upgrade(s) happening without one #b) it also feels extremely plausible that instead of agatha talking about her boyfriends to a third party #gil or tarvek will refer to *their* boyfriend to agatha (who will not comment on that until van finds out twenty pages later etc) #anthyding can hadplen etc and it feels so much like suddenly it already has. what timeline are we IN #sarah don't look #nyquil don't look